#ill do that later methinks

[etherylelixyr]

Going to bed at 10pm rn. tmrw I don't have an excuse to be lazy.

Gonna get 3 and a half papers done tmrw

That's like 7h but ah well. I reckon I'll manage

[flyingspicerack]

You all remember Lil' Ichimatsu? Well, here's his older brother, Lil Choromatsu what horrors will we put him through adventures will he go on today??

Ah i see, great choices like getting french pressed, put in the toaster, and in the oven

The trash! And garbage disposal if he keeps acting up

This is were he belongs tbh

Fuck you

[cowwatcher]

watched dune2 and I rate it 9/10 I liked it

[ungodly-amounts-of-godly-trauma]

sorry to everyone submitting characters with trauma i love you all but this is about godly trauma SPECIFICALLY. probably shouldve put that in the original post but i think its too late

[oh-gh0st]

DAMN im really trying out 5 palettes for this oc

[miidorikawa]

me when i cant fc a song for my challenge show

[livingstructure]

Trying to find one more source for the most researched aspect of the Gaelic league to back up my point and I'm flagging girls . This is so frustrating

[everythingroyalty]

do you think other teen royals will be at christians birthday? and who?

It's really difficult to say because the DRF can be really weird about things like that. Like with QMII only inviting the other Nordic countries to her jubilees and stuff.

I'd say there's a chance? But I'll almost guarantee you we won't see Estelle and Oscar (or petit Charles 🥰) at Christian's gala like we did at Ingrid's 😅 The DRF is way too boring for that and I think QMII feels very strongly that kids don't belong at galas – which is why I also don't think we'll see Bella and the twins at the gala dinner either. I do so badly want it to be a teen royal get-together though 😂

If the DRF extends invitations to young royals, I'd say these are most likely to attend:

Ingrid Alexandra (barring like... illness, I think she's the only one who'd be 100% given – AND it would be the first time we'd see her wearing a foreign order! 🎉)

Maria-Olympia, Constantine-Alexios & possibly also Achileas and Odysseas (would this family ever pass up an opportunity? 🙄)

Maria Carolina and Maria Chiara (same as above 🤡)

Élisabeth & Catharina-Amalia (if they're invited, I think they'd go – probably with one or both of their parents)

Also a possibility:

Alexia (barring the Scandi royals and the Bourbons, I think Alexia is the only other young royal we know for a fact Christian is friends with so I don't think it's totally impossible we'll see her there!)

I wish:

Richard & Ingrid (placing them here because even though Richard had turned 18 by Frederik's 50th, he wasn't at the gala dinner)

Arrietta, Anna-Maria & Carlos Morales (I just feel like it would be nice for all the cousins to be gathered 🥲)

Gabriel and Emmanuel (to even out some of all the gals!)

Leonor (let me preface by saying I don't think she'd go even if she had turned 18 and the fact that she doesn't turn 18 till like a week later solidifies it, methinks, but I think it would've been so neat given that her and Christian are so close in age)

[el-yon]

Do you think Ryuuken and Kanae really did loving each other romantically? I mean, Kanae was obviouslu devoted to him, but in your opinion how about Ryuuken? Is it possibly a half-hearted relationship that ended up as a marriage, because Ryuuken was kinda lost in such a painful situation?

"Ryuuken was kinda lost in such a painful situation" pretty much describes him throughout Bleach, doesn't it? Girl he was supposed to marry out of arrangement but he had feelings for gets attacked by a hollow, barely makes it out alive thanks to a bizarre spiritual move, marries a shinigami and then dies. Women he loves and becomes the mother of his child falls into a comma and dies. He tries to keep his kid away from the warring-troubles with the worst approach to it, and his estranged son befriends the shinigami-hollow-quincy-human who happens to be the son of the girl he liked and the shinigami she married, and now they have to join forces to defeat the quincy-king who is responsible for both women's deaths. OOF. Anyway, onto the ask:

I should start by saying that I am not exactly a Ryuuken deep-diver... but this ask does seem like a great opportunity to dive a tiny bit more, so thank you for this ✨-- i had a lot of fun writing this, so brace yourself !

Do I think that he loved Kanae? Yes, and I believe it was a whole-hearted relationship; despite of Ryuuken's terrible emotional aloofness and inability to express himself.

This is something to keep in mind: we know that Ryuuken is not good with expressing/receiving affection, as we have seen from how he handled things with his son. His feelings for Masaki were also ill-expressed; they only manifest in an angst-filled situation when her life is in danger and he resents his powerlessness (even though he was young, Kubo's message about his character seems pretty consistant).

And to make matters worse, we don't have any glimpses on how Ryuuken and Katagiri got together; all we know is that Masaki left the Ishida house, which was (according to Isshin) the decisive move for Ryuuken to detach himsel, and a few years later, Ryuuken and Kanae are married and with child. This may have some angst bittersweet taste to it, but this was actually a good thing. The Ryuuken/Masaki possibility got scrapped during EBTR - letting Masaki go was a post-fact liberating act for everyone involved, so I don’t think that Ryuuken got “stuck” in his feelings for Masaki. They grew up, life went on. 

But let’s dig for his and Kanae’s bond.

The nobility quincy nonsense makes it clear that Katagiri is a servant, but we have these indications that Ryuuken saw their rapport in a different light. When he talks about his mother and Masaki, he seems to confide in her - something that his character would not do if she was, in fact, “just a servant”. On the fateful events, one could say that he told her to follow him when he went after Masaki because it was her duty; but Ryuuken knew Masaki was breaking the rules. It would have been wiser to a) just send someone - Katagiri alone, for instance - but Masaki would suffer the consequences for it, or b) go by himself, that way he would guarantee to be the only one to know about it. Yet he takes Katagiri, and he is certain she will “follow his order” because he is trusting her, and this is my impression of it, but he trusts her in a more intimate manner than just duty-bound procedures. I say this because of *this* reaction:

He could have yelled at her, he could have just trapped her with the arm next to her, but he pins her wrist with his hand against the wall (I mean... come on!!... anyhow, I have come to over focus on hands, blame Kubo for his narrative style)  -- and their clashing eye contact after is really more than a master-servant relationship, methinks. Later that night, Ryuuken may try to deflect it and re-center them around formalities, but Kanae refuses to do so and exposes her feelings. Now, even though his “that’s enough” does seem cold, it seems to me that part of him, the part that tells her “let’s come back home” is actually accepting a) Kanae’s feelings, and b) his own (late) confirmation that this person right there is not just another formality, that the trust he built around her so far was not just based on quincy-duties, but on genuine affection. 

Onto speculation now, but there is another issue: Katagiri is considered “inferior”. From what we gathered so far about his family, it feels safe to assume his mother and/or other authorities (?) were not fond of the idea of her marrying into the Ishida family. Ryuuken probably went through some trouble to solidify their relationship, and I don’t think he would have done it if his heart wasn’t fully in it. 

Kanae was probably one of the very few bonds (a heart, if you will) that Ryuuken managed to build, and when she is taken from him, he looses it in a very Ryuuken fashion - which traumatizes his son on the process, not only because of the autopsy, but because of the entire aftermath. Ryuuken was probably confirming that her death did happen due to Ywach (and there is a major TYBW spoiler as to what else he finds in there), due to being a Quincy, and as if this wasn’t enough to crush him, it informs him that their son is bound for trouble in the future if he follows down the Quincy road, so Ryuuken closes himself off.

The anime showed a frame of Kanae holding Uryu (thank you SP for the heartbreak, by the way) when Isshin is telling Ichigo about her death, but the original shot was Ryuuken facing the window and a small frame of solo-Kanae. Because of the contrast of Isshin over-the-top picture of Masaki in the living room and him constantly bringing her up, it can be easy to think that Ryuuken and Kanae’s relationship was not as “loving” as Isshin and Masaki. But I don’t think that is true - these are two very different couples. Isshin and Ryuuken are two very different men, and Masaki and Kanae are two very different women, but both of them understand their respective partners and their deflection strategies - humor and aloofness -, embrace their love as they come, and build their own affection spaces, each on their own way. 

Ryuuken’s mind might have been troubled by resentment, anxiety and fears over the course of his life, but as far as his relationship with Kanae is concerned, I like to think that there was a beautiful heart right there, that he did love her as well as his emotionally troubled self could, and that amidst all his angst, he was actually happy -- even if Kubo won’t let us see that. 

[corntort]

body horror headcanon

For the bioflux accelerator tentacle arm things

At least some of trace's internal organs had to be shuffled around for them to fit methinks

Or maybe it's like a woodpecker thing where the tentacles curl around his skull (yes that happens with woodpeckers and their tongues)

YESYYESYESYESEYS THAT IDEA IS SOOOO COOL

i really want to mess with the idea of organs being shifted around but in my head its just a lot of the movement of the ribs and muscles near exlusively.

his rib cage at the back is more pried apart for the bioflux tendrils to kind of wedge themselves in via hooks to sprout as violently as need be when he's healed up, muscles torn apart and mended to be attached to the base of the tendrils to be (VERY SLIGHTLY) mobile. it grows worse with his prolonged exposure to bioflux and the second injection, allowing to be nudged more laterally or medially as need be, because they themselves cant be injured!!

THIS ALSO AFFECTS HIS SPINE. to the point the suddenness of the initial tendril eruptions from his back has snapped loose some lateral processes of some vertebrae, spinal disks bloated with fluid from the violent nature of it and his spine starts meandering around the tendrils, cause i doubt theyre symmetrical along his back, some closer to his spinal column than others. that scoliosis is FUCKED UP and COMPLEX. this also causes some pinching of his spinal cord which is absolutely agonizing if he tilts a certain way so he walks a bit leaned to the right. theres also just shrapnel of bone in his back now but he's lucky enough to not have it puncture any vital organs, not that he'd be left to die if they did. it does take some iterations of deaths for his spine to somewhat accustom to the tendrils but it by no means becomes more "comfortable." just pinching becomes less frequent and the bones are essentially restructured around the bioflux.

as his body modifies more and more the tissue turns more red hot and distorted towards his back to allow more mobility. the tendrils no longer erupt from under the skin it's more of like pods in his back theyre situated in to recover in when he's hurt that can more safely protrude from when ready.

Tissue as minute as the vessels are rerouted, treating the tendrils almost like a tumor that requires more oxygen but its split the vessels to still leave some oxygen for his normal tissue.

OHHH though now that i think about it more, all that mass from the bioflux Does Need a place to retreat into. i was thinking he could have more like, the back equivalent of SEVERE barrel chest as the flesh back there gets more lumpy, his skin more stretched out to nest the tendrils but that probably cant do all the heavy lifting. HMMMMM

although not much can be shifted without affecting his performance which i don't think elsenova would allow much of. i think she still is deriving a little bit of satisfaction from his pain but they do need him. and they can't allow him to resent them Too much, or else he'd be a threat and not fulfill the purpose they need him to.

MUCH TO STINK ABOUT..!!!! ill ponder on if his ribcage just splits open at the back for the space or if it closes Around the tendrils for better anchorage. and also if it's the latter if the rib cage Encloses the pods the tendrils come from or if it is just underneath them. like how fucked up are we getting with it

I WILL DRAW THIS... WHEN I HAVE THE ENERGY!

and i have NO IDEA if this is coherent i love stinking about it. specbiooo <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

[isa-ah]

i just made a better commission post for my cohost so maybe ill change the one i have here later too.. it includes all 3 of my offered styles instead of just the chibis which is for the best methinks. ill probably update the actual art for it before i do it here too tho

[mylifeisweirdok]

If u were to redesign Sam Manson what would u do and why?

Oo this is an interesting question!

As someone also from bumfuck nowhere Illinois, i dont see goths often. All the goths ive seen are when i travel to bigger places like nashville and st louis, and while I know amity park is supposed to be a growing metropolitan area,,, its not giving goth culture just yet.

I do however, see punks.

In my tiny town of 40 people, down the road, turn left at the horses and you've got yourself a camp of folks from all over. They often come into town, and most of them are punks of all types-anarcho, diesel, horror, emo, street, you name it they've been through my area.

One in particular catches my eye when thinking of Sam Manson tho: crust punk. (An uncommonly specific sub culture i know, i have a flair id add ill get into later.)

Think about it. Her folks are the richest in amity, they have an image to uphold. They have to be prim n proper, they have to say the right things and walk the right walk, but most of all? Theys gotta be clean. Dress pleats ironed in, suit jackets dry pressed, the whole shebang. So to have a kid who shops in the 25 cent bin that owns a pair of crust pants that (nothing to the folks who wear them, this is for imagery) if needed, could create an odor cloud big enough to keep mosquitos away? Nah, they'd resent that.

Sam's parents would hate what she wears and how she expresses herself in public and at school, and thats the exact reason she chose crust punk. She also might've played around the different sub cultures, picked and poked until she found crust. That's where my flair comes in.

Now don't quote me on this, im not a punk so they prolly have a better idea of the concept than i do, but im p sure crust punks often are also travelers. They like to get around quite a bit, and what mode of transport will come to the middle of the boonies? Trains.

I think, when the trio gets out of high school and the ghosts settle down a fair bit, Sam meets a trainhopper taking the next train south while at Nasty Burger with the other members of the defect quartet. The trainhopper explains what they do and ask if anyone knows its departure (tucker prolly can find it on that ancient ass pda of his). And that hopper gets her thinking.

Thinking's always been dangerous, it gets ideas flowing and movements started. Thinking is what starts rebellions. And from what we saw of canon Sam, she don't mind the idea of bein an upstart (meat eater v recyclotarian deate, anyone?)

And that thinking leads her through reddits of hoppers past sharing the knowledge that gets folks started. Trainhopping isnt only a skill, its a well-held secret lifestyle that can be ruined with one whistle blower. The art of hopping isnt on a random internet page, but the way to start hopping is. And so she thinks, she plans, and she waits.

Months pass, and she's been mullin the idea of it. She passes the idea through the others. They all think she would enjoy it, and worse comes to worse she comes back to amity (no the worst is dying on the rails, but they don't need to know that). They all agree its a step forward that Sam needs to take. And so she plans, she waits, and starts collecting bits n bobs to help her out there.

And finally, nearly a year later, sitting at nasty burger. The quartet is talking the box ghost, the latest giw scandle, the usual, when the trainhopper from before comes up and thanks them for their help last hear (maybe they remember the hopper?) And then Sam gets excited. Sam knows the time is right. Sam asks the hopper to take her with when they leave.

And they do.

So, to sum it all up, methinks Sam Manson, the altruistic, the earth lover, the chosen one of Undergrowth, friend of the protecter Danny Phantom, friend of the defect quartet, is a trainhopping crust punk.

[sethredia]

straight up i think period-induced anxiety is the worst. like i have gad so im already anxious constantly but it normally settles at a not-great-but-manageable background hum if that makes sense? but when im on my period that shit goes from like a casual 4/10 to a fucking 14/10 sometimes.

ill be already a lil spooked about x or y thing on a normal day but when im on my period? i cant fucking sleep because im thinking about it and my chest is getting tight and i can feel my heart rate kick up and i roll over and get on my phone to distract myself and yet i know im distracting myself so the distraction doesnt really work and on and on until its three am and i pass tf out

its more manageable when im at work, right, because theres Stuff To Do at work. there a Job Tasks and then Job Distractions which are, in their own way, a different form of job task to me. is it the same fanfic i opened the night before to read but couldnt get through because my stupid, chemical deficient, hormone-addled brain wont let me focus on it? yes. is it different now because im at work and work is an entirely different vibe so now i can get through that story (and maybe a few others depending on length)? also yes!

anxiety example: my boss texted me last night, or i guess now that its gone past midnight would it be the night before last?, and said (frankly very ominously? like even without the anxiety disorder it would be spooky methinks) “call me before you go in tomorrow” and i was like “oh shit oh fuck what did i do i dont think i did anything i mean i had a weird hiccup with counting the drawer out at the end of the shift because i was doing 18.50 in my head instead if 17.50 so i had an overhang of a dollar and so maybe me messing with the dollar while i was trying to figure out what happened showed up and looked weird on the cameras and she saw it and she wants to talk to me about it???” and so that morning i did all my get-ready things and went back into my room, grabbed one of my stuffies for emotional support in the same way i do to make dentist appoints and shit, and bravely called my boss

and then. she said she just wanted to check on if it would be safe to have us open the store because of the snow that night. she lives in the next town over where it snowed a lot (7.5 inches. she stuck a ruler in it and sent me a picture later lol) and wanted to check on road conditions and just a general vibe on it f whether people would be out and about (it snowed in my town 3 inches. if im being generous. most of it melted off before noon. according to my boss, it continued to try and snow where she was on and off all day. what a wild difference like ten miles does to the weather!).

i got so so so scared over like a dollar worth of figured out before i left the building confusion that my boss wanting to just. be a good person. was like nowhere in my thought process.

related but only slightly: i got freaked tf out over one singular dollar and had that shit figured out before i went home for the day, whereas my stupid fucking coworker who is like technically my manager (i think if i had to put a title on her it would be like assistant manager but idk she doesnt have a title on our work schedule but shes above all the team lead kids but i also am that but i know technically shes my boss and she makes ~a dollar/hour more~ than i do so ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ ) ALWAYS fucks up the drawers somehow. like our manager wants the end count on the drawer to be between $149.50-150.50. Why there is dont know but thats how it goes right? WRONG. every single time i come in and have to open a drawer after this lunatic has closed the night before, the drawers are over $150.50. it is not hard to stick another dollar into your bundle. drop the extra dollar. the drawer should not be at $150.75. drop the dollar. put it at $149.75 please god. this happened today on both drawers (small store; we only have two registers and only have shift overlaps on weekends and evenings so it works).

what Also happened today was that we have little paper slips that go into the drawers so you know what amount theyre supposed to be tallying out to when you count them next to know if everything is good or not. the paper said $150.65. i counted that fucker like six times, did the math on two different calculators three times to make sure it wasn’t me mis-hitting a decimal or something, and discovered it was actually at $155.65. five whole dollars. like im sure for a target thats not a big deal — still noticeable and youd absolutely get yelled at but like big picture and all — but for us thats a decent chunk! this woman simply does not double check anything she does regarding the cash drawers and it outrages me.

ALSO ALSO yesterday i counted out my drawer and it ended on like $150.30. within the boundaries. she put it in for the when the other closer came in. i left at 2:30, this other girl came in at 6:30, so somewhere in that four hours she recounted the drawer. we have a binder we write our numbers in for ~Accountability~. she wrote and initialed that it was at the $150.30 i counted it out to. this drawer, for the three or so hours its running that evening, handles no cash. written in the binder it has a big ol NO CASH written through in the Cash In and Deposited sections. the drawer closed at $150.75. where??? did that extra??? .45¢ come from??? and like what a weird amount too! thats not a two-quarter whoopsie, thats a whole mess of coins. four dimes and a nickel. a quarter and two dimes. other combinations im too tired to list. and like when i counted it that next morning it was at that $150.75. which is impressive, as the last time a NO CASH she wrote that had different starting and ending numbers, it turned out that there wasnt actually a difference, and that the original starting number was in fact still the amount in there. her ending number was also off by like .37¢ or something that time so like.

man. tell me you dont count out the registers properly without telling me you dont count them out properly.

anyway all of this is to say: periods suck and i hate them and i fucking wish i could sleep instead of worrying about what im currently worried about.

[kristiliqua]

i have been constantly thinking about the damn taz au recently im so ill man

i want to talk about it . so bad . like aaaaaaaa i have some specific bits that i really love but dont wanna spoil at all but RHRHRRRRHHGH FUCK !!!!! i just .,, taz!tallulah . thats it . thats all im saying . i love her :(

also i originally made scott smajor be leon the gachapon guy , but i am now making him be badboyhalo . because Fuck scott smajor ^_^ i am not having a weirdo like him in my au lmao (also bbh is just perf for leon)

also man oh man half the fun for this au for me is simply coming up with chapter titles . ive made it a thing where they have to be srs and rhyme with another bit (thatll go in the ch summary) and boyyy oh boy r they fun to hatch out :D i’ll give u all one just for fun — one that easily comes to mind is “trust or forsake, which will you take? (an eye, an ability, or a life at stake?)” :3 yippee (there are so many chapter titles on god . its a miracle that i actually enjoy coming up with them or else i’d be fucked LMFAO)

also taz!missa is a thing now too . a minor character , but he’s there . bc i said so :)) (taz!deathduo is real btw ur welcome)

man can you tell i really just wanna ramble and gush abt this au . bc i really just wanna ramble and gush abt this au ,,, i love it like it is my baby and i will cherish it forever

frowny face . i want to post Something for this au on ao3 already (i have so many snippets just written bc ,,, i had to let out the energy somehow) but i also dont wanna spoil shit before the actual fic so ????? i guess i’ll suffer . and or just rant abt it on here , el em ay oh

i havent even fully written anything thats for sure gonna be in the main fic (well maybe thats a lie . i have so many snippets that im sure one of them will be usable at some point) . i wrote chapter one (and two ?) a While back , but im def not using that lmfao

jusssst . sigh . i love this au sm and im So sorry to my qsmp followers who followed me for qsmp fanarts and ended up getting a ramble abt some au u dont know or care abt LMAOOO — just ignore this , smile .? or join/spectate my brainrot as i slowly lose my mind , idk

,, also . have i ever said that i made fantasy costco be ‘fantasy tescos’ instead ? bc i did , since in my eyes tescos is just the british version of costco ,,, even though i dont Really know what tescos is , or if its at all similar to costco (im american pls forgive me) but they sound similar so idc (,,, i havent even gone to costco either , actually . im just balling it out here fr)

oh yeah i was thinking abt making a pogtopia wilbur slash vilbur arc thing for taz!wilbur in a particularly long arc in the story (cough cough stolen century cough cough) too ,,,,, so that might be a thing . idk . maybe bro kinda loses it in those hundred years , bc fucking hell how r these mfs still sane after that /hj (its like he becomes apathetic as he sees all of it as meaningless and futile . bc these ppl and this world is gonna die anyway , so what purpose do morals or any kind of care serve ? theyll be gone in a year anyway , it rlly doesnt matter what happens to them before then [later , he Does snap out of it . maybe after a more emotional death hmm who knows] . plus paranoia with the whole impending doom thing el oh el couldnt be me) . methinks i’ll maybe write smth for this idea (smth that u all might never see lmao) . smiley face :))

anyways fuck it this is the end of this long ahh post . beeye

[oh-gh0st]

methinks ill do a q and a for shinrei finally later today…

[ram-de]

my usual tuesday kinda day

oh wow, look who's here. me again. venting, thinking i'm going to have some reflective introspection moment only to get back and let myself fall deeper into the hole i dig myself. exactly. i know what i'm doing. and i can't even blame my home or my family. because i'm given space and time and all the warm comfort i needed. it's all me. i could blame my habit or some kind of mental illness but i'm not diagnosed and at this point that's just me trying to pick at something to blame.

i wrote a lot about how i'm so flawed and complain about myself and my life a lot. but there's not enough guilt. maybe i felt guilty when i wrote it, but all of it gone when i slept. the morning always fresh, though a bit clueless with all the options of what kind of distraction i'm going to sink deep into.

i've tried books. i don't read books, but if it's a distraction, i can dedicate weeks switching books. i've tried manga. andi i liked mangas, all the tropes and all the pretty art of works that i mostly read pirated because... i'm not exactly working and i don't know if i could afford subscription prices. i should work and let myself face the reality of how hard it is to make money but here i am. talking big and doing nothing. what else have i tried. oh. i've tried games, too. rhythm games, genshin and later on honkai. they're fun and immersive. i've tried netflix, movies or shows in general. and since i'm a marathon kind of guy, what else is there to do than to binge watch most of the series i found interesting?

i've tried lots but not anything productively. well, i tried doing doodling and sketching random things as a hobby. couldn't commit. what else? huh... i don't remember most of it. look at that. i haven't tried much. i didn't do things to improve myself. and no matter how long of a paragraphs i could write about how i really wanted to improve. i don't know if myself would commit to it. that's how much i don't believe in what i could do. 'coz it's so easy for me to bail. to ditch. to leave. to run away. to postpone. to be still. stagnant.

i'm such a hypocrite. fuck myself, am i right. fuck it all. but i can't afford to fuck it all life like that. because... because i spent time pursuing academics... and... and... it's just... i should be more desperate to run past the finishing line. but instead it's more of a whatever-ish kind of vibes from myself. it's so. weird.

it's easy to imagine how liberating doing such an fuck it all moves in life. i can't do fuck it all for a final year project of college because else how can't i graduate?! i can't do fuck it all for post-graduation plans because how else can i get a job? i can't do fuck it all for even coming out and saying i'm gay because i don't have a job and also i don't want to like be apart of my family and be estranged for it. i can't do fuck it all for shaving my head because i'm too much of a coward to make it like a symbolic kind of acts to make a fresh things to start my life with, and for me to just think of it like leaving my burden away with the hair being shed and cut. i can't do fuck it all because maybe i don't want to fuck life itself. i have hopes. but fuck me for not holding onto that strong enough to push myself forward. to force me to walk and do stuff. fuck it all. i said. fuck it...

what even i'm saying. i had this outline in my head about how i want to start the post of vent. so basically. i watched two seasons of the white lotus and it's such a good show. tense. funny. s1 definitely funnier than s2. it's so unhinged it's good. and ahem theo james. yes. um. what? no. i mean, i love series with ensemble cast. and the way it all lead up into the chaos that is the finale? *chef kiss* methinks.

okay, what else. ok prelude done. uh... then i was going to link it with why i was watching the white lotus in the first place. yes, yes. i was thinking of a show that is similiar to nine perfect strangers. and this one shows up right there. better, tbh. so... yep. and why was i watching nine perfect strangers in the first place? well, i was looking for bobby cannavale's other works since i liked his character in the station agent, joe. i think. i wrote a post about it. thinking it's going to be my. like. last movie before i face the world and my problems that i hid under my bed. and look am i here! you know what, why was i watching that in the first place? well, because i was watching kembang api on netflix, and was downright UNDERWHELMED by it. like. really. zero chemistry whatsoever. I'M NOT HATING ON LOCAL MOVIES!! i was intrigued by this movie and the premise. time loop? yea i'm a time loop trope enthusiast. ensemble cast? (i mean it's like 4, but still they're strangers) ok yea i like that too. and yea whatever. why was i watching this movie in the first place? becasue i was tired reading books.

and why was i reading books in the first place. exactly. distraction. fuck me.

ugh. i could talk about it for hours!!!! i should talk about it, actually. but like. with real people. not a void. but i like the void too.

currently? i'm thinking of what kind of lines i'm going to write? am i leaning into the oh i'm so scared of myself and the future or, would it be more into the well i don't think i cared anymore or stuff like that. but then i ended up thinking about what am i going to write? how do i want to be perceived when someone reads this like duh this is a venting blog no one is supposed to read this.

whatever...

how can i practice self-compassion when i'm so ignorant to my own responsibility? when i basically ditched myself? when i... i let myself be in this kind of situation again and again. there's no solution to a problem that i am not willing to work to solve. am i not willing? i'd like to think i am but i don't know how. no, scratch that. i am too ignorant to be willing. i don't know anymore.

maybe it's my hungry stomach writing. whatever... ugh... i'm reminded on the monthly reflection thing and the monthly spotify playlist too. see how commited i am to it whole? ahh....