#ill elaborate later im just having passing thoughts

[elegyofthemoon]

yknow. kinda wish there was more eternal sunshine au's out there.

[corvidares]

thoughts and feelings about fnaf: into the pit

(spoilers! talk of endings!)

so, while i enjoyed playing this game a lot, i am left feeling dissatisfied in a lot of ways, mostly in relation to what the hell just happened

on the side of things i LIKED:

the pixel style!!! good god this feels so perfect for fnaf. obviously we've always had the minigames in the retro style, and while fnaf has had a fine enough "look" for years, i really hope to see more stylization like this. the pixel art and animations are beautiful and full of character

there's a lot of visual detail, both in the sense of easter eggs (of course) and background clutter. fnaf games are always good at having gross settings, and this definitely does that. even the cloud of dust that pops up every time you jump in the ball pit is yucky, lmao

speaking of details, the sound design is also VERY good. it conveys a lot of what is not seen; the closer you get to a kid thats been captured by spring trap (pit trap? guys idk what to call him) the more you hear their cries and whimpers. of course, as always, sound is a part of the gameplay too, helping you know if spring trap is close and that you need to hide

the writing in terms of dialogue and such is good! i like that oswald is.. well, he's kinda dumb. rightfully so, for a kid! he does things that arent always logical, it takes him a hot minute to figure out that hes in the past, etc

its also genuinely distressing and sad to see him suffering, to see him try to tell his mom that something is deeply wrong, only to be brushed aside because (presumably) the possession magic is invisible to adults. to see his trauma get worse and worse as the days pass; nightmares, visions, straight up sleeping through his school day because he's been up all night! even his idle sprites are always sad and scared

the gameplay itself! the learning curve felt appropriate, i liked the strategy of using the noise makers, hiding, and the vents. fwiw i did play the "creepy" setting which is essentially easy mode. but i still died plenty, its not a complete cakewalk or anything.

the classic fnaf snark sense of humor is definitely here in this game, and i love it. the achievements? hilarious. the tips on the loading screens, jeff's entire character?? good stuff.

misc things i noticed:

for whatever reason, after night 1 i had a constant "bloody/strain" filter at the edges of my gameplay. not sure if this is like, random? game footage ive seen doesnt have it, and one even had a different filter. not sure what to make of it, it seems odd to just be a meaningless, randomized detail?

i got one glitch: after checking the cameras while the other kid is in security with me, oswald's sprite didnt reappear and i couldnt do anything. so i had to restart the game lol. not major, and i have no idea how common it is. otherwise everything was quite functional iirc

regarding the more critical side of things.. im mostly frustrated. now, i know fnaf, i know it never serves you answers on a platter. i know theres always an abundance of easter eggs and secrets (which i have tried to research, tho the game is still new). but upon finishing the game and seeing all the endings, i realized i didnt get answers about a lot of things i thought i would. for example;

where the hell is foxy??? the other core three are there and get added as enemies when you progress. his stage is present and some kids at the past party mention they miss seeing him. but he's not on ANY of the imagery throughout the pizzeria. in fact, we don't see him at all. if i didnt know who foxy was, i would only know his name. the only exception might be some empty masks in the backgrounds, but honestly i doubt it. this seems.. really strange to me. ill elaborate later

why did spring trap tie up oswald's dad? what was he going to do to him? did.. did anyone even die? oswald rescues everyone!

this is probably silly and i acknowledge that. but what was up with the giant spider jump scares..... i assumed itd be a new enemy or something but nah. THAT SPIDER WAS TOO BIG. WHY

what was oz's dad doing this whole time? was he trying to escape at some point? why is his shit all over the resturant?

onto just general critiques:

the gameplay did get a bit formulaic and sometimes fetch quests felt repetitive and/or like busy work. like why did i have to get five different sets of keys. bruh

the story has a lot of plotholes. and again, this is fnaf, these games have always looked like swiss goddamn cheese. but i can still be frustrated about it

for example, how is time passing in the past versus the present? IS it passing if we're not there? how do we affect the past? why does no one in the present acknowledge what happened here?? did spring trap get caught in this timeline? did anyone die? was oswald always a part of these events or did he change the timeline? this is presumably the first four/five murders, but a lot doesnt add up. is there a timeline where oz is one of the murdered kids? in the bad ending, he gets possessed, but not stuffed in a suit.

how does spring trap's possession even work? back then he was still alive and perfectly mortal... right? but then again, he supposedly strangles himself in the end, then leaps back to life to kill jeff? huh???

why is spring trap so animalistic? he doesnt seem human, and his eyes glow, which i dont think is something that suit can do (though i could definitely be remembering wrong)

speaking of which, i dont think the og four's eyes glow either, but they do in this game.

the "true good" ending does not make any fucking sense, first of all. second of all, considering the amount of work one would have to do to get it, it is extremely minimal. if i had done all that and only gotten a slight dialogue change as well as a "yay happy eating pizza at jeff's" scene i wouldve been PISSED.

also, speaking of not making sense, im sorry but oswald's lie to his dad about what happened is so obviously not true. why does he not question this at ALL? ESPECIALLY considering he has a fucking CHUNK OF HIS ARM BITTEN OFF. we see in jeff's ending that that shit bled a fucking lot! was his dad too concussed to call him on the obvious lie of "you fell and hit your head". and if he was, he would OBVIOUSLY NOTICE LATER THAT FIVE DAYS HAVE PASSED. AND THAT SOMEONE WAS WALKING AROUND PRETENDING TO BE HIM. WHAT (and dont say "oh he thinks he just lost his memory of those days" YOU DO NOT LOSE HUGE CHUNKS OF MEMORY UNLESS THERE IS MAJOR BRAIN DAMAGE OR TRAUMA. UH UH)

while talking to my gf, we came up with a couple theories.

one, she thinks its likely this game had more planned. and i agree - the missing presence of foxy is the biggest indicator, in my opinion, but theres other things too. for example, despite the fact that we're never able to enter the library or mill, both places have a map that can be pulled up when you press the map button outside those buildings.

the mill, especially, obviously has a ton of animatronic parts in the trash, and we all know that can be important... it seems to be too big a thing to be a simple easter egg, but what do i know.

another thing that feels way too big to be an easter egg is gabrielle; the girl who gives you a notebook with information about the animatronics (not foxy :( ) that provides hints for later. she mentions that her grandfather was a technician that worked with them back in the day. he never talks about it now though (the ONE acknowledgement we get in the present that bad shit went down!!!)

like.. is this henry? someone else? SURELY that is not a random guy. but it's a one and done interaction. i thought, when meeting her, that she would become a friend and ally, that we'd be able to learn more. the writing seemed to slant that way, but no. we're never able to talk to her again afaik

all this lends itself to the idea that the game was pushed. i can perfectly picture, like a year ago, someone telling the team "fnaf 10th anniversary is august 2024, get it out for then" and them having to cut stuff they had planned (but perhaps not developed, as afaik there are not missing assets showing foxy or the other things mentioned)

which is obviously a shame, and if thats the case i of course commend the team! this is a great game, especially if it was rushed. but this is becoming a pattern with fnaf games, and considering this is such a big successful franchise, that should not be the case.

anyway! overall, i truly did enjoy playing into the pit, and im very glad it was my first experience playing a fnaf game myself rather than watching a playthrough. and there are secrets that seem to be deliberately cliffhangers, in true fnaf game fashion. such as the photo that stuns spring trap, or the minigames.

[yumikeki]

How I'd go about reintroducing Mephiles back into Sonic lore(sorta)

So this isn't going to be super structured, its gonna be really rambly but its basically cuz i'm repeating the whole thought process I had while looking stuff up, brainstorming etc so sorry if it gets a bit long, so I'll put design stuff and the whole thing under a keep reading link. Got it? Good. Lets uh, do this.

So to go back to the very beginning, the sonic channel poll. That was a wild time haha. When i first saw it I wasn't initially interested in Mephiles. I would've voted for Vector or Sonicman tbh. But seeing people talking about how cool it would be to reintroduce a character that got wiped out of existence made it a bit more entertaining to me. Which made it suck a little more that he didnt win. But hey, im not complaining about Sonicman, good for him. But that got me thinking about how difficult it would be to reintroduce Mephiles. After all, he came from a very infamous game that still leaves scars in Sonic's history, and having him just come back when his whole story revolved around a game that ppl do not want back is tricky. At least with Silver they rewrote his future a bit, and Blaze already had lore. Elise might still exist but they can mention Soleanna without having to explore too much of its past game story. Mephiles was pivotal to a plot that Sega does not want to bring back. So, i don't think they'd want to bring him back in his initial form. I also think they're trying to stray from the god stuff Sonic 06 brought into the series(besides the End).

But then I thought about IDW's canon. Where its almost sorta filler, it'll acknowledge the games but the game will only reference its characters and story in passing(so far). IDW would probably be the best place to put Mephiles so that he gets an arc without it affecting the mainline games, but still exist. Still I think we need to go further in. Solaris was not only killed in the future, but erased from existence in the beginning. Existence was rewritten to what it is now, how to you bring back a character that was not only killed, but erased? Well for the killed part, what about reincarnation? Weakened to a mortal form with lesser powers(still reminiscent of the past, but not to the time manipulation powers it once was. Essentially, mostly just the shadow powers with some new perks, but no time travel or time god powers). There can be many ways to introduce a reincarnated character, but I have an idea in mind ill elaborate on later. Next, for the erased part. Well, my idea was, why not use Null Space? Maybe what Eggman assumed was a realm created by the Phantom Ruby was actually a pocket dimension where things that didnt make sense in the new reality were put into. It has so little lore and its not very explored, rewriting it a tad wouldn't be a big deal. There was things in Null Space, despite it being described as a place of nothingness. Everything that was from the 06 reality that couldnt fit neatly into the new one was put into this pocket dimension that's essentially the void. Thats where "Mephiles" has been this entire time.

Back to the reincarnation bit, having a character like this means that while this character is in fact Mephiles, it also sorta isn't. I think this grey line where it brings back Mephiles but can be its own character in time would help ppl feel more confident in bringing him back. He wont be 100% the same, but he still has those qualities that made him seem so cool in the first place. Cold, manipulative, and destructive. Trying to always be one step ahead of others.

My idea of bringing Mephiles back would be in the form of a child. Why? Well when I think of being reverted to a weakened state, i sometimes default to children. Children also represent untapped potential, the ability to grow and change, and be easily influenced by their environment. For a character that beckons to the past but also has the ability to grow beyond it, being a child makes sense to me thematically. Also the idea of the edgy, cold merciless personality being in the body of a child is endearing to me. I actually designed a hedgehog form for this character that's supposed to harken back to Mephiles' initial form, but look like his own person. Its not what I think is the ideal form for the character, but hey i tried. My tablet broke tho so its only a doodle.

I like the straightjacket look of it, and it's loosely based on the scepter of darkness because this body is a mortal cage for Mephiles' soul. Its supposed to look like a creepy edgy kid, Mephiles himself is kinda offputting in that way anyways. Might simplify the little thorn spikes from the shoes or waist, or remove em entirely. The coat is also supposed to cover his body markings, in case one would want to keep his identity a bit of a surprise, initially. The claws are summoned, not inherently a part of his body. Looks like Mephiles' hands, just bigger. Also partially inspired by Sig from Puyo Puyo.

Since this is Mephiles-but-sorta-not, he needed a new name. I wanted to keep it close to the original Mephiles while still having its own identity, so I did research. And uh, it was probably very obvious for most but he's supposed to symbolize both God and the devil? So Mephiles is short for Mephistopheles from Faust, which also became another name for Satan. Iblis was a demon in the Islamic tradition that is also another name for Satan somewhat. And Solaris, which is a name that harkens to the sun(being a sun and time god), also harkens to Satan's original name Lucificer(meaning light-bringer/bearer, keep that in mind). Plus with the 6's of different features in the first phase and then turning into an angel of light in the final, its kinda obvious who Mephiles is supposed to represent. Well, besides also being a fusion of the concept of God, for relating to light and time. On a side note, looking into a game ive played but had no interest in, Sonic 06 really was supposed to be such an ambitious game. It had all these plot intricacies, metaphors, and the weight of fighting a god was supposed to be really heavy. It was supposed to be the biggest fight in Sonic history. The biggest bad who ever bad-ded. It was meant to be so important. It was probably obvious to most, but it was only by looking into it that I got an appreciation for 06. Its just a shame that it ended up how it did. But anyways, back to names. So I wanted to follow the same theme as Mephiles, Iblis, and Solaris, being that they are all names for the Devil. Lucifer was considered the original name for the Devil, but I dont want to be that obvious. Well, i looked into the name, and Lucifer actually had greek origins with i believe the God of Venus. Well, another name for the god of Venus was Phosphorus(which guess what, also means light-bringer!). So i shortened it, and behold, the new name is Phos. So we have a design and a name! Whats the story?

Well, I don't have everything planned out, but I did have a few bullet points I'll post here:

Reincarnation of Mephiles, stripped of divine power but has his shadow manipulation still 

Lives in the Null Void from Forces(the Null Void is actually a pocket of space created when the original reality deleted itself.)

When Sonic enters and escapes Null Void, Phos leaves as well. 

Has no memories, bumps into sonic and co 

Wants to learn who he is, gets attached to sonic due to familiarity

Hates shadow, like original counterpart

Shadow does not trust him at all, and Sonic is suspicious but hey, they dont know who Mephiles is anyways. The kid looks sketchy but hes also abandoned and amnesiac, it would feel pretty bad to beat up a child. Maybe not for Shadow lol.

Has extreme empathy, but no sympathy: Is able to read people to an inhuman degree and reflect their emotions like a mirror due to lacking individuality(initially)

Starts off as cold and emotionless, incredibly manipulative due to the ability to detect the feelings of his target. 

Ends up living with Vanilla and Cream as compromise(its really funny that Cream befriends a demon baby)

He does good things and makes friends not cuz he wants to, but because he figures making allies and doing what he can so they dont kick him out will help out more in the long run. When he messes up and his morality is questioned, hes able to barely stay by putting things in his favor and talking it out.

Maybe initially tries to manipulate Sonic, but later learns of the strength of his character.

Gradually not only understands the emotions of others, but begins to absorb them as well, gaining his own feelings based on the ideals of the people in his life, primarily Sonic, Shadow, and Silver(the three who killed him in the first place)

Eventually learns about the truth, plots to regain his other half and reach his deity status somehow

Maybe ties into targeting Blaze for her fire powers? Could be related to what happened to Iblis after the reset.

????

When he realizes he wants to be his own person and choose his life, its too late and he's becoming Mephiles. 

Sonic and co go to save him, fight ensues, Phos helps from inside his own shattered mind, and is eventually able to revert back to normal, keeping his weakened powers but is not inherently evil or empty anymore. Still kinda cold and crafty but he's doing it for good(or what he believes in good, kinda stubborn like Shadow).

Joins the cast as a regular character. 

So for his powers, I kinda simplified them into a few things:

Shadow manipulation powers. Absorbs shadows, can merge into shadows to hide or teleport between them. Maybe the shadow balls come back, not sure. Can make shadow-y clones too.

Crystalline powers. Harkens back to his past body. Is able to make claws out of a crystal like substance and slash at things. Maybe can shoot them like projectiles too.

Idk if he'd keep his ability to morph into other peoples appearances though. IDW already has that one guy and its not like Mephiles made exact copies. Plus he already has his own body. Considering that Phos is meant to be somewhat empty inside and reflects the emotions of his peers, it could be fitting. Maybe when he becomes more introspective he shifts into the appearances of other characters when he thinks about them. idk.

But uh yea that was everything i had written down(i made notes based on the late night brainworms I was getting that lasted a couple of hours. This was the fruit of that labor haha.) I'm not saying this is the perfect way of bringing him back, its possible people will be upset with this version or not prefer it, but hey i like it so its gotta mean something. Technically by writing this down it kinda guarantees SEGA would not use it anyways, so its not important anyways. I might keep this as my own oc and doodle more concepts of this schemer demon baby in the future though, I think it's really neat. The idea of having a powerful small child with emotionless whims that you pray stays on your side is very cool to me, and this whole thing was fun practice anyways. I hope you guys have a good one, if you have any critiques or ideas you'd like to share id love to hear it. Just uh, be nice to me please lol. I'm trying my best. But yea that's it, thanks for entering my brainstorming personal hell.

[elysianslove]

ay yo? lmao haiiiii any chance we can get some haikyuu boys and nicknames they'd call their s/o? a lil deprived of kageyama, so if possible can you pls include him?? i hope you're doing well :)

omg wait i remember seeing this in my inbox and planning on answering it but i ,,, i forgot :( im sorry :( but here it is lovely <3 

HAIKYUU BOYS AND NICKNAMES 

ANGEL ! — 

akaashi; out of all his nicknames for you, this is his favorite!! he just thinks it’s very fitting for you, because you’re nothing short of ethereal for him. loves to say it when he’s first greeting you or as he kisses you gn or!!! when he says thank you :) 

osamu; it slips sometimes with him!! not his go-to but it’s very familiar on his tongue when it comes to you, and that’s very endearing :,) just slips casually when he’s asking you a question like, “angel, do we need milk?”  

daichi; omg he usually adds to it and it ends up being some cheesy stuff like “angel-face” and it makes you all flustered because wtf man :( and he always says it while laughing teasingly too ugh :( 

suna; suna has the cheesiest nicknames for you and you cannot convince me otherwise, and you can never tell if it’s genuine or ironic but,,, it doesn’t matter. he sounds so sweet calling you “angel” so whatever :) 

aran; this man. this man. he says it cause he knows it has you weak. he says it so lovingly, so sweetly, so casually, so suave and relaxed and his voice is so smooth and deep. who wouldn’t be swooning over him??? 

aone; AONE AONE PLS AONE PLEASE. he’d just think it’s such a sweet and kind and soft nickname and he likes the way it sounds when it’s whispered and he thinks nothing is more perfect than nicknaming you angel and he says it all the time like “ok, angel,” and “see you tomorrow, angel,” and, “love you, angel,” and it’s so quiet but so sweet hwbwjsjd 

oikawa; he’s about to be in 90% of these cause he’ll be calling you anything but your name. is it because he wants to be annoying and to get on your nerves? or is it because he genuinely means it? the world will never know. you’re not even sure he himself does. 

DOLL ! — 

matsukawa; are you kidding me this is his. it’s HIS. he sounds so hot saying it and he looks so hot saying it and he’s so charming and it’s so like easy on his tongue. and he has a slight drawl to it too and he always says it with this aura of relaxation and ease it’s so hot. he just. he loves it. he loves you. you love it. the world is a better place. 

atsumu; he thinks he’s way cooler than he is when he says it. you suppose he is pretty hot when he calls you doll but you’re not gonna tell him that!!! it’s not his go-to but you can catch it slipping off his tongue every once in a while. 

kuroo; yesyesyes he loves it. only ever says it when he’s so up close and personal with you like cups your cheeks and hovers his lips against yours like, “heya, doll,” and he’s just so handsome. ugh. 

kageyama; at the start of your relationship, kageyama called you by your name and nothing else!! but then he had like this talk w someone and they asked him what he calls you and he realized like,,, am i supposed to be doing it differently??? spent so long just searching up “cute nicknames for my s/o” and then he found “doll” and was like ok. i’ll try. and he tried!! and it stuck!! plus timeskip kags calling you doll??? that’s so hot bye

oikawa; this might be the only sincere nickname he has for you cause everything else is either to provoke you or to be cringy and annoying. and i’m sure you prefer doll over sweet cheeks and pumpkin pie and cinnamon whatever like you hungry tōru?? anyways he loves loves loves calling you doll cause he thinks it’s such a ? smooth and serene nickname? and his voice always gets deeper and quiet when he says it so!!!! 

SUNSHINE ! — 

hinata; please he is all the sunshine, but he always claims that you’re the true sun in his life. idk hinata would be so lame yet so cute like that :( and he always says it with such a big grin he’s so cute pls :( 

tendō; he’s so cute he’s so cute he’s so cute !!!!! your contact name is “my sunshine” definitely definitely definitely. he is literally in love with you and wants the whole world to know it. he loves screaming it out for everyone to hear but also absolutely adores like hugging you from behind and whispering in your ear as he kisses your cheek, “hey, sunshine.” :(((((

kenma; kenma doesn’t wanna think too hard on the whole nicknames thing but he also does kind of sort of really wants to call you something special and the first thing that pops in his head is sunshine. first time he used it you were Shocked but he was acting nonchalant about it (read: freaking out on the inside) and you were like “ok guess im sunshine now.” and you are his sunshine to this day. 

BABY/BABE ! — 

atsumu; it’s easy and it’s endearing!! he personally loves being called babe but he loves hugging you close to him after a long day and just sighing, “hey, baby,” like. he loves it okay. he thinks it’s perfect cause it fits and cause it’s like kinda traditional yk!! 

bokuto; he loves calling you baby cause he just cannot fathom that you’re his like he loves to always say it!!! and he loves how casual it is too like he can just call you that?? that’s so cool?? 

iwaizumi; again with the traditional but endearing and fitting. he doesn’t have to think too hard on it, but also it still means something and is more than just your name or a shorter version of it. also he sounds so hot calling you baby or babe idk i just know it. 

hanamaki; king of “babe! babe :( babeeee! babee. babe come on! babe! baby :(” you’re 99% sure he’s just provoking you at this point. like say babe one more time. but he actually loves resorting to baby, especially when you’re upset and he wants to be as endearing and kind as he can to you. 

daichi; very traditional too tbh. honestly when you two first started dating it was all he could think of saying without feeling awkward or feeling like he was trying too hard. later on when he started to feel more comfortable and more secure he got more creative. 

nishinoya; he has been waiting for this moment his whole life. the moment he can actually call someone his baby or babe. it’s his favorite and possibly only nickname (aside calling you pretty or gorgeous or handsome) and it will always be. 

MY LOVE ! —

akaashi; definitely definitely definitely calls you “my love” like i am 100% sure of this. akaashi is just so. he’s just so romantic but it’s also so unintentional? he says it because it feels natural and it feels right like you are his love after all, aren’t you? 

sakusa; he’s not one for elaborate nicknames honestly, and he feels like “my love” is the right balance of sweet, kind, fitting, and subtle and serene. it’s not doing too much but it’s also doing more than enough yk? also people that look like they would wear a trench coat/blazer and a turtleneck beneath also look like they would use the term “my love” hence sakusa and akaashi. 

tendō; i am telling you guys he is a simp. the loveliest simp ever. he says it so sweetly too like it genuinely makes your tummy twist and heart backflip when you hear him say it cause you can hear how genuine he is in his words oh my god. 

kita; he just !!! he is just husband material okay!!! he is so endearing and he says it in the softest most genuine voice ever and it’s literally his go to because yes you are his love you’re his entire world!!! he loves you!! he wants you to know it every time he calls out to you!! 

BUNNY/PUPPY ! —

bokuto; ARE YOU KIDDING ME. HE LOVES IT. he. loves it. he just finds it so cute and like. he loves the way he associates it with you now. prefers puppy over bunny but like. he loves both. he adores both. 

matsukawa; calls you bunny all the time. not more than doll, but it’s definitely so common. he won’t use it around others not because it’s embarrassing but more because he kinda wants it to be just a thing between the two of you, honestly. 

kenma; IT SLIPPED ONCE AND HE WAS LIKE. A DEER CAUGHT IN THE HEADLIGHTS. he calls you bunny!! sometimes, not always. when he wants something from you mostly. “pass me the water.” “no.” “bunny please :(” it works like magic every time. 

oikawa; oh my god can you imagine??? he loves it so much because one, he thinks it’s such a cute nickname props to whoever decided let’s use pets as literal pet names, but also two, he thinks nothing describes you or fits you better. you are just his bunny :( his puppy :( he loves you :( 

kageyama; timeskip kageyama calls you puppy. i have nothing more to say.

hinata; timeskip hinata calls you puppy. again, i shall say no more. 

suna; hello !!! he loves to call you bunny and/or puppy. the feel of satisfaction he gets when he calls you that like ,,, he feels like you’re properly his yk? yk.

KITTEN ! — 

kuroo; this one is for him and only him. 

LOVELY ! — (maybe sweetheart too) 

osamu; is there anything more beautiful than a tired osamu snuggling up to yoi and with a deep gravely voice saying, “missed you, lovely,” ? no there is not. it’s his favorite nickname for you, and he uses it all the time!! kisses your forehead as he leaves and tells you, “have a good day, lovely,” and comes back home and says, “hiya, lovely,” and tilts his head when you wanna talk to him about something like, “what’s up lovely?” cause you are his lovely, you’re his loveliest. 

sugawara; i have no other explanation other than i can picture it perfectly. he thinks it’s the best choice of a pet name he’s ever chosen and thought of. and he loves the smile on your face whenever he says it, he thinks it’s the sweetest thing ever <3 

BAE ! —

hanamaki; is it a joke? is it not? both. 

okay im sure i missed so many boys but i can’t think of any rn bc it’s like. hella late :( but i wanted to put something out for you guys!! point is, if i didnt mention a boy and you want to know, send me an ask!! and if i didn’t mention a nickname and you want to know that too? send me an ask well!! ill be happy to answer it <3 

love u all mwah <3 

[volfoss]

hi teehee kof rant (mai centric bc i have a problem etc) below the cut and all that

burden of being a mai fan is having to see a million horrible pieces of content in each kof game (and fatal fury too my god) but it genuinely drives me insane how they write her in a lot of the games. like its 50% of the woah shes a conventionally attractive woman and thats all the character development and depth shes given. Any other time its just maybe 45% "kyaa andy" and 5% lets have her have a nice time w her team. now like. im biased due to hating andy (due to how he really treats her a lot of the time and just how her character is so so based around him instead of letting her be an actual character)

now i know that its like a part of her character that shes super in love w andy and SUPER feminine (other than the ending for fatal fury special where she remarks that she needs to be less masculine) but it really feels like SNK just poured all the budget and effort into seeing how sexy they could make her/the physics of her animation (again iykyk). esp considering her development section on the wiki (of heres who her boobs and ass are based off of, how when they introduced her ""swaying bosom", the developers were awestruck". like i understand fully that they are trying to yk. make her a sex symbol (which worked a little too well imo). it really bled into how a fair bit of fans treat her as just a hot body and never really consider her personality or literally anything other than how her clothes fit or how they can make her outfit worse.

but it really to me feels that the devs were like ok. 4 traits should work: mean to other women sometimes (mostly over appearance), SUPER irrational (which i dont believe but im also like. overthinking pro here, ill elaborate later if i remember), in LOVE with andy, and hot. occasionally they try and throw in a bimbo angle. i feel they really ignore a lot of things they COULD touch on (ie literally ANYTHING with her past, how she gets along w literally anyone on andys team outside of andy (we again. get tiny hints of it but rly not much), or literally ANYTHING outside of the few traits we very vaguely get.

so many of her endings are just either SO andy centric or just her getting drunk. and thats literally it. not even to get into the team stories which are normally a bit better (96's has made me INSANE for weeks tho) but esp 99, that was really disappointing. that one really felt like they were treating her as a footnote and butt of the joke (which happens a lot of people being like wow girl you are crazy about andy) but it feels like in some of the endings (2003 comes to mind, where you get a tiny hint of woah theyre putting in that she cares about her friends and then its like no lol actually its just all about andy)

again i understand how the way that she is written doesnt really allow for a really good read on her as a character (her personality section on the wiki is fucking abysmal. tldr of it is wow shes cheerful, 2 full paragraphs dedicated to how much she loves andy, shes a "traditional and ideal japanese beauty" and like. a tiny note on how she gets along w the womens team/terry and joe). but she really does have more than that of just genuinely being a very kind person and very goofy, as well as a very talented and dedicated person.

so what rly irks me (this is not number one but girls need to get their thoughts on her past out somehow and by god im doing it here) is how her past isnt really ever touched on except for tiny hints here and there. sure we get info on how her grandfather trained her and the tiniest inkling of stuff on her parents (that theyre dead) and how andy came to train with her grandfather when they were both pretty young. but they really dont ever elaborate on how her grandfather basically passing all of her training off to his friend (who is yk. a canonical creep and lecherous old man trope to a T) and training andy impacted her. we never learn how she handled her parents death. or even her grandparents death. or even the enormous weight of being the last shiranui ninja. its all focused on wow lol she fell in love w andy super early on and thats IT really. MI2 (pretty sure. might have been MI 1) does go into a tiny bit of detail on her grandfather training her to move silently and bribing her into that with anything she really ever wanted, and how that even impacted her with the beginning of MI2, where she uses training from her grandfather to throw the letter at Andy, catching him by surprise. but we really dont get a lot of introspection on that in really any of the mainline games (or manga that ive read, all of the ones ive read just have her plotlines be the same as the game (of half andy and half woah hot lady)

not to mention again in the 96 team stories, she mentions that after King says she also cannot participate in KOF, she says this:

^ which literally lines that drive me insane that they NEVER elaborate on. surely her childhood had to be lonely with her being an only child (presumably) and it not really mentioning any friends she has outside of the womens team and a TINY bit of terry and joe. which god. there could have been SO much potential with her and terrys relationship. we literally could have had besties but instead its normally used for a joke of wow mai is SO scary about andy oh nooo. and same w joe. i think tbh the fatal fury movie honestly nailed how i would have their relationship in an ideal world, with them just teasing each other and being a bit bitchy but in a fun friendship way yk?

in regards to the womens team i do normally enjoy how they handle the stuff with her and them, its VERY clear she cares about and loves yuri and king, and even chizuru (i hold the 96 ending SO close to my heart tbh) and just literally if they could pass the bechdel test for literally once in their life, it would be ideal.

mai just genuinely has a lot of potential in terms of writing and literally if u just go through her quotes its just really clear to see she doesnt get that potential ever explored (esp in some of the fatal fury stuff, where shes having to fend men off from touching her or hitting on her.)

tldr snk hire me i understand her etc

[xingqiu-irl]

i really really like chibedo aaaaaa they're so cute

i keep daydreaming about them in my genshin hs au ahahshdh

like albedo has like no friends and is quiet and childe is like. popular. and in a class they have assigned seats next to each other or smthn and childe keeps trying to talk to albedo but albedo is still quiet, but everyday chulde learns just a bit more about albedo and before he even knows it they're good friends; albedo's only other friend is sucrose and even then they're not the closest? so childe is like “woo im your second ever friend!!” and albedo is just like. yeah, sure ok.”

most of the time during their conversations childe does the speaking, but sometimes albedo will chime in with their own stuff. it's only really when the two are alone does albedo speak a lot, and most of the time it's rambling about things they're learning. childe finds it all the more intriguing, how they can ramble on and on about things they've studied and things they're learning and how childe could find it all so interesting. childe wasn't stupid, not by a long shot, but he never found science or math or anything “stem” related all that interesting. yet when albedo just went on and on about those subjects— he’d listen on so intently. and albedo would always help out childe if he needed it, always make sure he was passing his classes just fine while not being too hard on him.

they met when they were juniors, and got close. they stayed just as close around the summer too. if you saw childe, albedo was probably with him. if you saw albedo in the halls, guess who was right next to them? childe. it wasn't often you'd see them separated. and it wasn't often you'd see anything but a neutral expression on albedos face except when they were talking to childe, where a small smile always seemed to creep onto their lips. the duo didn't have arguments or fights ever— sometimes it seemed like they never even had disagreements. albedo was never one to share their opinions on anything and even when childe said his opinions it was like they always agreed.

senior year was a little different though. they both were a little busier, trying to plan out what they'd do after high school. albedo seemed to have it cut out clear, even with certain universities offering them scholarships. they knew what they wanted to do, who they wanted to be, and yet childe had barely any idea of what he wanted to do. there were so many options and he just didnt know—late one night while he was over at albedos, just sort of idly sitting on their bed while albedo quietly read something next to him, leaning into his side ever so slightly, childe let out a breathy sigh. his gaze fixated on the ground, “how did you figure out what you'd wanted to do for the rest of your life?” was all childe asked. and a few moments later he felt albedo sit up a bit more, no longer leaning into his side and leaving a bit of warmth there. his blue eyes glanced towards the other, his gaze still fixated downwards. albedo gave a light shrug, not saying a word for a few moments, “I don't know. I suppose I've only ever been good in two fields, so I went with my best one. I didn't have much of another choice really.”

ah. that didn't help much at all did it? childe didn't really have something he excelled in like albedo. he wasn't good at one particular field like albedo. he didn't have his life set out and planned for him like albedo. and in that moment, maybe he felt just a slight tinge of resentment and jealousy. albedo already knew what they wanted to do, who they wanted to be, exactly how to get there- and it was all just practically handed to them because they were always good in that subject. they were too good in every subject. childe sighed, clearing his throat afterwards. “right, that makes sense,” childe mumbled, quieter than usual. quieter than albedo's ever heard. “im sorta jealous of you, ahah. you have your life set out, planned, handed to you even. i have no clue what i want to do, im not particularly the best at anything.” childe added an awkward chuckle at the end, slightly embarrassed.

“jealous?” albedo questioned, their head turning to fully look at childe, a brief quirked. they almost seemed upset at the implication that childe of all people was jealous of them. “youre great at many things, childe. you have some traits i wish i had. you're charismatic, charming even. you can make friends, talk to people like it's nothing? I can't, childe. you don't have to be absolutely sure on your life just yet, alright? please, don't be jealous of me.” albedo narrowed their eyes, and the two were making eye contact. childe blinked, and he felt for maybe the first time in his life something he'd label as actual love.

and over the months he only felt his love grow stronger. every time albedo would place a hand on his back, every time albedo would say something reassuring, the times they'd stay up way late at night just talking about whatever came up, it made childe pin all the more harder. albedo would spare a glance while they were sitting in class. childe could feel his heart skip a beat or something, and he tried paying attention but he just couldn't stop thinking about the other. these emotions, feelings, christ they were going to be the death of him, huh?

he'd invited albedo to hangout somewhere outside of their home. usually if he wanted to hangout with albedo it'd have to be at albedo's house. but now here they were, late at night in some random park. it was dimly lit, as the only real lighting came from unevenly spaced lamp posts you'd see every once in a while in the park and the street lamps from the road. it was just bright enough for childe to make out albedos features, all of their wonderful features. he stared, stared for far longer than he should've, than he was allowed to. albedo glanced over, moving a piece of hair just slightly out of their eyes. “is something wrong?” albedo questioned, though it was quiet, their voice as soft as ever.

“no, im just... admiring you,” childe let out with a awkward laugh following it, “youre amazing, albedo, i really like you,” childe confessed with a small sigh and another awkward chuckle. he'd hoped albedo understood what he meant, that this wasn't platonic. childe already felt like his face was burning up after confessing now, and he might just die if he had to elaborate.

albedo stared at childe, their face blank and mouth slightly ajar. they tried to find the words, to find what to say. their expression morphed into a perplexed one. emotions was certainly not something they were good at childe could seem so in touch with his emotions. albedo was not. they rarely tried to express how they felt, yet childe could surely express himself so casually. albedo didnt know what to say, how to feel, surely they felt the same way but they really weren't sure they could put it into proper words. “give me some time to think.” that's what albedo said. truthfully, they knew it wasn't the thing to say, they knew they felt the exact same way childe did. but now they had to figure out how to put that into words. childe looked disappointed. albedo internally sighed. they hated seeing childe upset, and now they were the reason. great. well now albedo would have to say something, to fix the situation. “er... i didn't know what to say, sorry,” they began, “i feel the same way, i think,” they looked down. staring at the ground, face far more red than it's ever been.

they didn't know what to do. neither did childe. but for now the just remained quiet. childe broke the silence, “uh, let's figure things out tomorrow, ill walk you home.” childe offered, grinning and trying to lighten the mood up a bit. albedo glanced up, making brief eye contact and nodding. they knew tomorrow was certainly going to be something. but for now, they could just enjoy the few moments left they had tonight with childe.

ok yeah i got really carried away on what was supposed to be a short au desc but, it's ok! ehhehsbxb i just thought this was cute and ive been daydreaming abt it all day so i thought i might as well ramble on tumblr sjdbfbdb

[safetyrat]

My take on the Jack Manifold being killed by Tommy discussions

This is written so someone who isnt caught up can understand, so lets start at the beginning, Jack Manifolds ad Tommys relationship. Irl Jack and Tommy are very close, but I don’t think they had a strong established relationship in character before exile, especially because Jack was mia for a lot of lore? Many relationships on the smp get taken from the ccs dynamics before the smp (wilbur and tommys mentor/brotherhood, puffychus date), which is why they have been interpreted as close? Jack was part of lmanburg and they have interacted for sure, so I think its fair to say they were friends in roleplay, even if not like,, best friends

during exile, jack visited Tommy- well, tried to visit. Tommy punched him off the bridge in the nether and made sure he died. Jack lost all his stuff and was pissed offed - but that was about it.

The tone of the visit could maybe be compared to the one with Mamacita and Mexican Dream? It was in character, but it wasn’t... serious?

It feels wrong to call it “friendly banter” when mexican dream died, but you cant call it a “Building Character Moment For TommyInnit” either. Jacks visit was similar.

At that point, neither Jack nor Tommy refered to the death as “canon” - the wiki did, however. Not sure what happend there, but it was listed as Jacks second death and when he died on Doomsday, went to hell and back - that part of lore doesn’t work without Tommy killing him.

After Jack came back from hell, he started a bigger character arc with Niki revolving around taking revenge on tommyinnit. Killing him until he is dead permanently. And while that is not presented as the right thing to do - both niki and jack consider their characters villains - its not irrational or without motive.

Tommy has made mistakes and hurt people - whether these were justified is in the eye of the beholder.

For Jacks arc right now, Tommy killing him is an important motivator and a driving point for his plot. Nothing about Jacks current character would be the same without it. Because he acknowledged the death and it was on the wiki for the longest time, its generally considered canon by the fandom.

So, case closed? Tommy killed a man while depressed in exile- yeah, that doesn’t sound right.

A Tommyinnit analysist pointed that out,, earlier today? Thats why we are having this discussion right now. I’m not sure they would appreciate me mentioning their username here, but ive read their analyses before and theyre great, they have a lot of interesting thoughts, and i agree with them bringing this up!! please never send hate to anyone about character analysis!! some people (like me) actually do this for fun.

so, i dont want to touch exileinnit to much, there is a lot to talk about, but... TommyInnit would kill somebody without a second thought. Canon deaths are heavy, theyre big, theyre- and you cannot compare this to punz killing wilbur! Yeah, that wasnt a big character moment for punz, but on one hand hes a mercenary, killing people is kind of part of his job, and on the other hand- the story around lmanburg is not a character focused one, thats a big part of wilburs writing. His main goal is progressing the geopolitical plot and let the character be shaped by it - themes like personal conflict seem less big when there is the fate of a country on your hands.

The exile arc is an entirely character focused story. It deals with themes like mental illness and inner turmoil... do you think it would pass the chance on discussing tommys feelings about killing someone? A past friend, no less?

Murdering someone, on purpose, completly changes the morality of tommys character, and im not ready to commit to that.

There are more reasons I think this, ask me to elaborate if you want, but in my eyes there is no way that Tommy could kill someone in exile with it still being consistent with his character.

So, whats the conclusion?:

TommyInnit killing Jack Manifold is canon in Jacks story, but isn’t canon in Tommys. There is no other way eithers devolopment makes sense otherwise.

This is it. An inconsistency. A plain old plothole.

Oh no, the cinematic masterpiece (/s) that is the dream smp has a plothole, what do we do now?:

...move on? There is no way discussing this will change anything. This type of inconsistency is unique to the dream smp as a medium where the creators have a direct dialogue with the fanbase. This is not the first or last time the wiki has made weird deaths canon, I personally disagree that quackity and schlatt died in the explosion of tubbos execution. This doesnt do against the wiki writers or anything, you guys are so important for this community, but you do stand in direct contact with the creators - an active fan would have probably more, but more importantly different, knowledge of the lore than 90% of the members.

Dont be harsh on the fans, dont be harsh on the ccs, we are exploring a new type of mass reaching story telling here guys.

how do we still make this consistent for the storyline?:

this is where the analysis ends, we are diving more into headcanon territory, but I choose to believe that this was a canon death, but tommy didnt realize it is. In my opinion this just feeds into Jacks themes of being ignored, not taken seriously, etc.

tldr: while tommy killing jack was considered canon for a long time, it doesnt work if you want to have tommys character make sense. Instances like this, where dubious canon gets reinterpreted later happen because of the dream smps unique type of storytelling and should not be a reason for conflict in the fandom.

Thanks for reading, if any of this doesnt make sense after tommys last stream, that I didnt watch because writing this, youre allowed to personally come into my house and assassinate me.

[sneakydraws]

Well, here it is - a lengthy explanation of each card in my mdzs major arcana deck and what I meant to convey/what i would have changed in retrospect/what alternatives i considered! It’s a bit messy and my typing style is lazy but hopefully it will be an interesting read to some of you :)

And so you don’t say I didn’t warn you - jiang cheng’s section (11 justice) is absurdly long lmao

0 the fool  I elaborated on this in the post itself but yeah basically jin ling is kind of representative of all the damage and trauma caused by the past, and there’s a kind of danger there of him falling victim to the same vices as the older characters and repeating the same mistakes and perpetuating the cycle of war and misery (the cycle that we already see with how the jin sect became the new wen sect, and later with how jgy became the new wwx) and he has a lot of room to grow! He grows so much over the course of the novel, comes to realise the complexities of the past and gets a harsh life lesson in how nothing is as black and white as it seems. But ill save talking about his progress for the end, for now whats important is that he has room to grow and also a dog. I don’t really have a justification for the sun, i mostly just thought it looked sick? It made its way to the next card as well, where it makes a bit more sense, but then i realised it was a dumb motif to include 1 the magician I still very much like wwx for the role, and that illustration would have probably had him raising a corpse on his left and pointing threateningly to the sun on his right. I considered including the table as well, with some mdzs relevant items replacing the card suits. Anyway, like i said wwx got a few cards to himself already so i went with the alternative wq design, since i think she fits the card as well. Both she and wwx are highly skilled people, extremely driven once they set their mind to something. The card to me symbolises the creative mind as well as a general drive for action, which fits them both - wwx was famously a prolific inventor, and wq came up with a previously unheard of surgery, after all. This card strays pretty far from the rider-waite deck design, largely because i was still figuring out how i wanted to approach this series, but you can still see the influence. 2 the high priestess I was actually going to skip this card at first because I couldn’t think of a fitting character, but once i considered a qings character post death, it all fit pretty well. She was already a highly intuitive person in life, and in sharing her memories with wwx she is, in a way, relaying a kind of secret knowledge. Anyway she’s one of my fav characters so im glad i got a chance to include her. The coffins could be interpreted to be xxc and sl or xxc and xy 3 the empress Theres other mother figures in mdzs who got to be mothers for a longer time, but jyl definitely embodies the positive aspects of this card the best. She’s nurturing, kind, emotionally supportive, she already mothered wwx and jc quite a bit when she was young. Plus i liked that the rw card had both water and flowers, making an easy lotus connection. In retrospect the stars look kind of out of place and i should have replaced them with something more relevant... Also, i should have had her hold a lotus seed pod instead of a flower, haha 4 the emperor Like i said I considered jc for the role but hoching bullied me into admitting that nmj was better… they’re both more of an inverted emperor than an upright one but then again theres hardly any character in mdzs who would fit upright emperor so. Jgs was also considered but he’s even uglier than nmj so i couldn’t bear to draw him 5 the hierophant It was pointed out to me that lqr would have fit this card better and the truth if that statement haunts me to this day. Unfortunately I have no space in my brain for lqr so lxc got the role instead. My main reason was his role during the wen destruction of gusu lan, when he ran away with the contents of the library - this is why there’s bookshelves behind him. The keys, take, from the rider-waite deck, are meant to represent the gusu pendants that allow you to enter 6 the lovers Im sure many people would have chosen wangxian here but I uhh don’t really care abt wangxian personally? And also their love story is so convoluted that jyl and jzx seem idyllic by comparison lol. Also i didnt really have an idea for who to put in the angel’s place for wangxian… mme jin certainly did not get these two together in the end but undeniably she and mme yu did initially give them a chance to fall for each other so. Thats something i guess. Anyway the trees became their sects’ flowers and the mountain became the burial grounds - an omen of their tragic fate, basically 7 the chariot There might have been other characters who fit this card better but i couldn’t really think of another card for lwj and i thought it would be weird to not include him… anyway i don’t really care for current timeline lwj BUT i do like that he was clearly influenced by wwx to walk his own path in life based on his moral convictions rather than follow his sect’s rules blindly. The chariot is to me a card of self control, self determination and focused action, so it seemed fitting. The composition felt kind of empty without the actual chariot so i padded it out with the guqin, the cloud recess in the bg (it doesn’t look great but i tried to replicate the drama design….) and the bunnies which conveniently fit the colour scheme of the sphinxes in the rider-waite design 8 strength Like i said before, my interpretation of this card is more… morally ambiguous than the quote unquote official meaning, so i thought about manipulative or duplicitous characters more than kind characters whose strength is expressed through gentleness (though i did consider jyl briefly for the latter interpretation). As such, i considered both jgy and nhs, but ended up going with jgy largely because i couldn’t pass up the opportunity to put the nie sect’s beast as the lion. 9 the hermit My thoughts immediately went to bssr lol. It may be an overly literal interpretation but whatever, i like it just fine. And i like that i managed to echo the rider-waite silhouette in the mountain and the tree (and even in bssr herself) 10 wheel of fortune God i love the parallels between these 2… this card to me is about how you cant trust your current situation, good or bad, to last forever, and these 2 embody that perfectly imo. Wwx went from son of a well off servant and a powerful cultivator, to street rat orphan, to adopted son of sect leader jiang, to double orphan, to MIA, to terrifying but admired warrior, to terrifying and despised traitor, to dead, to, at the very end, suddenly respected and trusted again. The dishonesty and cheapness of whatever the public’s current opinion of him is is portrayed beautifully as far as im concerned. And jgy of course claws his way up to power only to instantaneously become public enemy number one, to the point that he’s probably blamed for stuff there’s no reason to believe he had a hand in. Wei wuxian’s silent astonishment at how quickly the cultivation world turns against jgy and towards him again is a delicious moment of thematic resonance.  11 justice I settled on this card for jc after he got booted from the emperor seat but i do think it fits, in a somewhat convoluted way. I turned both the sword and the scales into visual representations of the golden core transfer (can you tell im obsessed with it). According to biddy tarot, the justice card is partly about searching for the truth, and the scene where jc finds out about the transfer is of course a big deal. I was also very influenced by the reversed meaning again - which is about being reluctant or unwilling to face or accept the consequences of your actions. I feel on an intuitive level that this fits jc but I’m not sure how well i can explain it - it’s something about how he’s a little too comfortable scapegoating wwx for things that were also, if much less so, influenced by his actions, and also something about the way he keeps wwx at an arm’s length emotionally but still leans on him and accepts his support when he really needs it, and somewhat hypocritically expects wwx to put the needs of him and the jiang sect before the needs of others. And also something about the core exchange is the consequence and proof of wwx’s deep - terrifyingly deep, even - love and care for him, which is something jc doesn’t seem to let himself acknowledge. Maybe even something about how you could argue that the way all of the jiangs acted around wwx - jfm’s favouritism that left him with the feeling of a debt he needs to repay, mme yus insistence that he be a servant more than a brother to jc, prepared to give his life for jc, and jc’s own unwillingness - or inability, he was a child after all - to clearly acknowledge wwx as an equal to himself, enabling wwx’s self sacrificial and protective tendencies - that all of this was what caused wwx’s complete and unquestioning willingness to do whatever it took to protect jc, and therefore paved the way to the golden core transfer. And i don’t mean this to be scapegoating jc - especially considering how young he was when this all went down, it wouldn’t be fair to expect this level of emotional perceptiveness, awareness and maturity of him - but i think adult jc has to grapple with the fact that the chain of cause and effect was not as simple as wwx fucking everyone’s lives up to be a martyr, and that both jc and his parents had a role in that story as well. I don’t even necessarily think this is something that jc only realised in the current timeline - i think it’s something he felt on some level this whole time, and it probably led to a lot of feelings of guilt - but the suibian reveal definitely puts it in sharp focus, and i think he’s now better equipped to handle this introspection than he was as a recently orphaned, traumatised teenager, lol. ANYWAY the window with the fabric is both a nod to the rider-waite design and a reference to the destruction of lanling - i actually did some basic ass research for this, and it seems that in ancient china fabric would indeed be hanged in a window if the normally used paper was damaged. The design of the window, as well as the very idea to use it to imply the reconstruction of lanling, was taken from this great piece of jc angst by my pal moroll1! Oh yeah also the covered window kind of works as a denial of forgiveness for jc because it’s like a halo but covered up... Also I completely forgot to put a blindfold over his eyes which would be perfectttt because blind justice and the core exchange......... ok moving on 12 the hanged man I always have issues with this card because i cant find a satisfactory summary of what it’s really about. Best i can tell it symbolises a need to hit pause, surrender or let go of something… ive also seen it tied to sacrifice? So mo xuanyu doesn’t fit perfectly, but sacrifice is definitely there in a surface level reading kind of way, and the idea that you have to surrender or let go in order to achieve your goal does fit the whole deal of getting revenge but giving up your life in exchange and not being there to see it 13 death This is probably one of my favourite cards, definitely not because I have huge issues with change or anything…. I see this card as signalling the necessity of change or putting an end to something / leaving something in the past in order to start anew? At first i considered putting past wwx, mxy and current wwx here as a kind of transformation and one cycle flowing into the next... But firstly, I’d already used mxy in the very previous card, so putting him in again would feel like overkill, and secondly, the longer I thought about it the less convinced I was that this would even fit with the card’s meaning? Because coming back from the dead doesn’t like... trigger an internal transformation within wwx or anything? Anyway, fun fact: the design I ended up going with was actually originally intended for judgement! I thought I was being very clever with the whole “figure plays an instrument and the dead rise” parallel, but apparently I’d just completely forgotten that the judgement card had a completely different composition... Truly I was boo boo the fool... But yeah anyway at the end of the day I figured the design would kind of work for death as well, with Wen Ning and the theme of transformation, (since in his case coming back as a fierce corpse does actually mark a certain transformation in behaviour) and Wei Wuxian’s protection of the Wen people essentially signifying an attempt to break the cycle of oppression if that makes any sense? Like, wwx is trying to revolutionise the way the world works a bit, if you catch my drift 14 temperance  The centrist card! Again this is probably going off track from the “official” interpretation, but to me this card has a certain “don’t commit fully; do everything in moderation; don’t take either side” flavour to it that i personally find infuriating irl and that i very much assign to lxc. It’s entirely possible that I’m misinterpreting his character because i didn’t really pay him (and the 3zun in general) much mind while reading, but hell, I’m allowed to pick favourites and choose who i want to interpret deeply vs shallowly. Again, i wish id chosen lqr for hierophant because its so annoying for a character i don’t care about to get two cards…. But oh well 15 the devil My alternative idea for this was jgy as the devil and lxc plus nmj as the figures, but since all three had been featured already (multiple times, even!) i figured I’d go with xy instead, especially since he’s among my faves lol. I think the devil signifies something along the lines of unhealthy attachment, obsession or addiction, which isn’t 100% accurate in the case of xxc and a-qing, but if i stretch it a bit to cover toxic relationships in general, and especially manipulation or negative influence, i don’t think it’s half bad. My main struggle here was to choose who amongst the xxc/sl/aq trio to choose for the human figures. 16 the tower Arguably jin zixuans death and the following massacre of nightless city were the final and most direct reason for the siege of burial mounds, and the tiger seal is good shorthand for wwx’s loss of control over his powers, which led to the deaths of jzx and jyl. When reimagining major arcana i like to feature some kind of building in this card (spoilers for a possible future project but in my rose of versailles major arcana set the tower is bastille) and even if it’s not a tower, the image of wwx looming over the gathered crowd from atop a rooftop is so good i couldn’t resist 17 the star Struggled with this one - considered both jin ling and lsz for it, as symbolising a hope for the future, but that was kind of covered by the world so it wouldn’t make sense to include here as well... As usual when I struggle with interpreting a card (as opposed to understanding it but struggling with matching a character to it, like with death or moon) I went to biddy tarot and read all the details about its meaning. What i got was that this card signifies an incoming period of introspection and inner peace following a time of turmoil, as well as a general moving on into a new, better phase of one’s life or finding new meaning and purpose. The figure also suggests someone vulnerable, but possessing a keen sense of intuition as well as a good degree of practicality and common sense. Given all those, I settled for mianmian because IM LOVE HER..... I also kind of see her as a prelude to the “just one person is enough” theme present in tgcf!! And i think her decision to abandon her sect because she saw the toxicity and corruption in it is a very inspiring action - even if it didn’t make a large visible impact, i think the appearance of her and her idyllic family at the very end of the novel - paralleling and mirroring wangxian - implies that at the end of the day, it was a meaningful one 18 the moon Another card i ALWAYS fuxking struggle with - this time less because i can’t grasp its meaning and more because I can never find a character that fits it well. I usually get fixated on the “dreams and subconscious” part, but if i lean more on the “disguise, deceit, anxiety and fear” part, i eventually figured the whole yi city arc wouldn’t be a bad fit. I say the entire arc because it really does encompass all those themes if you include both the past and the present - xue yang’s disguise, his tricks with the villagers, a-qing’s lies and even xxc’s reluctance to talk about his past as well as xue yang pretending to be xxc all fit the disguise and deceit angle, and the general mystery and creepiness of the current timeline yi city work well with the anxiety and fear - the mist, the slow uncovering of the past, even a-qing being revealed to be an ally after scaring the shit out of the protags. I definitely struggled with including all the elements and characters, and even moreso with making them vaguely fit the rider-waite composition, but i think it ended up okay ish. OH and i completely forgot to draw mist swirling around them :( 19 the sun I was considering mianmian’s family for this one, but since I used her for star, I ended up with wwx and his parents instead. Once again I’m reinterpreting the card a bit - normally I think it symbolises incoming times of pure happiness and abundance, as well as a connection with the inner child, but I gave it more of a nostalgic or sentimental twist - wwx looking back at the brief glimpse of his happy childhood. 20 judgement another card that i struggle to interpret a bit... Here i actually used the tgcf tarot zine as a reference! In it judgement is summarised as “rebirth, following duty, absolution” SO i figured that nhs, mxy and wwx all together would fit pretty neatly... wwx achieving (public) absolution through clearing his own name after being reborn, and nhs sort of calling on wwx to expose jgy’s crimes... It’s a bit messy but not bad I think! 21 the world This ties very closely to my read on mdzs as a story - which is that it’s, at the end of the day, largely about cycles, and about how hard it is to break them, but how we gotta keep trying and have hope anyway. Or maybe more precisely, that the people directly involved with and influenced by the trauma of the past might not be able to get over said trauma and that the hope for healing from it will be shouldered by the new generation. Or something like that… Basically what i mean is that jc and wwx and lwj and lxc and nhs and jgy and all these people who were in the thick of the sunshot campaign and the siege are so profoundly affected by it that it genuinely feels by the end of the story like there is little hope for them to ever truly overcome that trauma and build a better future without repeating the same old mistakes - but there is a glimmer of hope in the new generation, specifically in jl and lsz. And it’s a bit paradoxical, because they have also been directly impacted by the past tragedies - lsz having his entire clan wiped out after wwx failed to protect them, jl losing both his parents to wwx’s mistakes - but despite that loss, and despite coming from arguably the two opposing sides of the past conflicts, they are both, in the end, capable of moving past that tragedy, of recognising the complicated nature of those conflicts (jl’s moment of clarity at the end is both heartbreaking and hopeful) and forging friendships between clans in the process. I honestly think that the extra where jl is struggling to assert his authority as sect leader, to treat his subjects well and to cooperate with other sects in a truly amicable way is the single hopeful ending note for the larger themes of the novel - it allows us to imagine that maybe these kids can learn from the mistakes of their elders rather than getting sucked in by resentment at those mistakes, and actually build a brighter future for the cultivation world. And sidenote, this is also why i have a soft spot for jin ling and lan sizhui as a ship... speaking of which their poses were directly referenced from the lovers card ehehe

Looking back, I’d like to add some symbol of jin ling’s trauma so that it mirrors baby wen yuan in the tree stump... maybe his father’s sword? 

[alright--okay]

you ever been to a basement show? pt. 1

tsukishima kei x reader

summary: Tsukishima sees you everywhere, and for a big school thats weird. And it’s not like he’s gonna do anything, that’d be even weirder, but one day in your shared lecture he sees you wearing a shirt with some small band’s name. A band he know. And well, now he has to know who you are.

word count: ~1.5 k

a/n: this is college au where Tsukki is basically into really indie/alt music and so are you so you guys start as like concert buddies/friends and grow as more. I started this a while ago and have been posting to ao3 but I’m trying to find motivation to write more so imma start posting to tumblr lol hope anyone reading enjoys <3

read on ao3!

pt. 1 Polite Company - Rainbow Kitten Surprise

Tsukishima saw you everywhere, it didn’t make any sense. If the University of Tokyo was so big, why was he seeing the same girl all around campus?

Particularly in his one stupid archeology elective. The class was a joke compared to everything else he was taking but it gave him a break from his other more intense courses and he wasn’t about to refuse the opportunity to slack off. You were not only in the large lecture portion of the class but also in his recitation, meaning he saw you three times a week, not including the glances he caught of you just from walking around.

And he wasn’t stalking you (he swears), it’s just that you were … everywhere. Sitting in the last row of the lecture hall (just a few seats to the right of him), waiting for the TA outside the classroom for recitation (usually on your phone), or doing work in the student center as he passed through (always with your headphones on, always).

He had no clue who you were. You most probably weren’t an archeology major like himself, he would have seen you in the intro classes or any of the higher-level courses. Yeah, Tokyo was big but he could at least recognize some other people in the major, and he had never seen you in the three years he had been attending the University of Tokyo. Or at least didn’t notice you before, but that also seemed unlikely.

Today was no different. The lecture portion of the course was a little too early for anyone’s liking, so Tsukishima went to take his usual seat in the back row, ready to half pay attention, half play on his phone. You were already there, headphones atop your head as you continued to look at your phone, the faint sound of music escaped the padding by your ears but it was too muffled to make out an actual beat.

Tsukishima said a quick “excuse me” as he moved to step over your legs and bag on the ground. You remained quiet, giving a polite smile as you tucked your legs in, attempting to give him more room to pass. That’s when he caught sight of your sweatshirt. Normally he paid no mind to what you, let alone anyone, was wearing but the bubbled blue outline of the word “Forests” gave him pause. That was a band. That was a small band. How the fuck were you aware of their presence.

Tsukishima quickly made his way past you as he realized he really shouldn’t be staring at your chest (even if it was just to read your sweatshirt, he swears). He tried to nonchalantly maneuver his way into one of the old lecture hall seats a few down from yours before quickly pulling out his phone.

No way is it the same Forests, he thought as he brought up the band’s website and quickly scrolling through there merch.

Starring back at him was the same fucking sweatshirt. That meant you knew this band, this tiny band. He was so used to being alone in his music taste. Akiteru only listened to what was on the radio and Yamaguchi entertained Tsukishima when he went on rants about music and bands, but he didn’t really listen to any of it. Tsukishima had come to accept that his music-listening experience was mostly gonna be reserved for laying in his bed alone, staring at the ceiling, and absorbing the lyrics. This was fine, he could still enjoy the music just fine. But … you knew some of his music.

~~~

Tsukishima tried to ignore the thoughts of you. He didn’t know you, you were a random person who just so happened to maybe, possibly listen to the same type of music as him. Who cares?

It was a little later in the week and Tsukishima was making his way to the recitation for this stupid elective. The TA, as usual, was late so Tsukishima made his way over to the wall to wait, his own pair of headphones supplying a flow of music.

When you made an appearance from around the corner, Tsukishima couldn’t help the extra attention he paid to your clothing. And god fucking damn it. That was a Mom Jeans shirt. There was someone who listened to the same music as him. Or at least similar. But that was enough for Tsukishima to decide he wanted to talk to you.

To yama:

i have a situation

From yama:

oh ?? care to elaborate ?

Tsukishima paused. This was weird, wasn’t it? He had never interacted with you besides the time he had to move past you to get to his seat. And the lecture was huge. Nobody talked to each other unless you were already friends or were in desperate need of notes. Tsukishima was in neither of those situations.

To yama:

okay so theres this girl and before you say anything no im not trying to ask her out but she was wearing a shirt for a band i listen to

From yama:

that you listen to? not to say youre some hipster indie boy…. but you tend to listen to v obscure music

To yama:

yea i know that thats why im kinda freaking out like do i say something?? and if i do say something what would i even say

From yama:

go for it !! if shes anything like you she probably doesnt get to talk about music much either so just bring up her shirt or something itll be fine tsukki

To yama:

yea ill think about it

Tsukishima put his phone away as someone held the door open for him. Apparently the TA arrived sometime while he was texting Yamaguchi so he quickly made his way into the classroom, taking a seat a few rows behind you.

He would talk to you.

Just not today.

~~~

After the recitation the day before, you had pushed your headphones back onto your ears as soon as the TA was finished and made your way out of the room, his eyes following as you did so. Tsukishima had gone back to his apartment only to be further interrogated by Yamaguchi. What band? There were multiple bands? Did he know you? What class was this again? Are you cute? That’s where Tsukishima cut him off, moving into his room to attempt some work.

It was now Thursday morning, meaning it was time for the second half of the lecture. He was gonna do it. Tsukishima was going to talk to you.

He walked into the lecture hall, you again were already sitting in your seat at the back. Tsukishima (calmly, obviously he was calm) walked over to your seat and sat beside you.

~~~~~~

Who the fuck was this guy?

Yeah, you had seen him around, but he never talked to you, or anyone else in the class for that matter. And yet here he was, sitting next to you and gesturing for you to take off your headphones.

“Can I help you?” you said, complying by slipping the headphones around your neck.

He took a small, almost hesitant pause, “I noticed your shirt the other day, you listen to Forests?”

Your eyes grew slightly wider, “You know who they are?”

“Um, yeah and I’m not used to people listening to the same music as me so I thought I’d … I don’t know … say hi? Introduce myself?”

“Well, you haven’t done a very good job on that plan so far,” you paused to give him a small smile, “just saying.”

Tsukishima gave you a smirk of his own, “Hi,” he emphasized, making you smile wider, “I’m Tsukishima Kei. And you are?”

“l/n y/n,” you replied, smile still in place. “So you listen to Forests. Anyone else I might know?”

Tsukishima paused for a moment, and you knew exactly what he was thinking. Bands you listened to every day were not necessarily what everyone else listened to (which let’s be real, understandable), so replying to a question like this meant either replying with more popular bands people had likely heard of or going full-on obscure and have the person stare at you in confusion. But after a moment, Tsukishima responded with his own small list.

“I know a couple of them actually,” you saw his mouth give a small uptick, probably not used to that response, “what-” The two of you were interrupted by the professor being the lecture, but you quickly turned back to the boy at your side, now in a quieter voice you asked, “what were the names of the other bands? I’ll look them up.”

Tsukishima slowly listed them off again as you typed them into your phone, excited to see what this random guy in your lecture listened to.

Time passed slowly as you and Tsukishima put your attention back to the material at hand, but as the class came to the end and the two of you were packing up your things, your mind drifted to the coming weekend.

Yeah, you just met the guy, but it couldn’t hurt to ask. He seemed kinda nice after all, and he’d probably be into it.

“Hey Tsukishima,” you called to get his attention, “you ever been to a basement show?”

[phobiadeficient]

Hey! First of all tell ya that holyfcknshit your writing gives me life! Like, ugh, youre my fckn fave writer!!! Aaaand this is my first request!: Transboy!Scout x Sniper x Demo! Maybe a little hurt/comfort centered on Scout? I just rlly love this three guys together!! Anything with them makes me happy! And your writing with this ship? Ugh ill be in heaven!! You dont have to do it if u dont like or arent comfy with it, tho! Thanks for letting us read your wonderful works!!

can you imagine being scout tf2 in this situation? “yeah im getting a little dysphoria guess i’ll talk to my two hot boyfriends abt it” like can you Imagine

(warnings for discussion of dysphoria and non-graphic PIV sex, i understand that not all trans men are comfortable with that but when i headcanon scout as trans i also tend to headcanon him not being particularly prone to most kinds of body dysphoria and having a generally positive self-image overall. just wanted to be clear on that)

-

Overall, Scout felt pretty nice. With his two guys, fresh off of dinner and just a little bit buzzed, squished between the two of them all cozy and stuff, and Sniper was playing with his hair and Demo was telling some story about a dumb kid he knew in school and stuff was overall just real nice.

And of course his stupid brain had to come along and ruin it by making him think about sad shit.

They were in Demo’s room since he was the only one of them who was smart enough to get a big mattress. Scout had Sniper’s arm just sort of thrown over across him, he and Demo’s hands intertwined on Scout’s stomach, and he just kinda looked at them for a minute. He thought it was kinda neat just seeing all the little details there, how Demo kept his hands cleaner but his nails were longer, Sniper’s clipped way short but still just a bit dusty. Or maybe that was just his callouses and some weird tanning sort of thing going on, who could say? Demo’s hands always kind of ran warm, and Sniper’s always kind of ran chilly, and Scout would go way warm or cold depending on the day, super susceptible to temperature because he was such a skinny little fuck.

Maybe that’s what he was staring about. Looking at their arms, it was made all the more clear how much scrawnier Scout was. It wasn’t even like Sniper was a particularly buff guy, he could be described as “in-shape” at best, but he was still just... bigger than Scout.

And the other thing, he realized, was that man, Demo and Sniper were both pretty fuzzy dudes. Hair on their arms and legs and all across their chests, Demo with a pretty nice beard and Sniper with almost a beard on accident.

Wham, just like that, like a bat to the temple, self-consciousness, self-doubt. Because that was just one of those little tiny things that Scout would get super insecure about all the goddamn time. Just the little tiny differences. Like the slightly different jaw, the slightly longer eyelashes, the slightly different build. And Scout was lucky, he knew that, because he was tall, and he knew how to work out to build his muscles so he could pass pretty easily in that regard, and his chest wasn’t anything to brag about to start with let alone when he started binding.

But the lack of facial hair, and the hair everywhere else on his body being kind of pale and nothing, and his scrawnier arms, it just...

He exhaled slowly, letting his eyes fall closed. Okay, he needed to slow down and take a breath. Here he was, squished between his two favorite guys on the planet, and who just so happened to be willing to date him and sleep with him on a regular basis, and who were also really hot, and he was getting all up in his own head over nothing. It was dumb. He needed to quit it.

But his brain kept cycling him through it, again and again, and it was Sniper who eventually pulled him out of it.

At some point he’d started playing with the hair on Sniper’s arm, just sort of fiddling, pushing his fingertips across his forearm idly, and Sniper tilted his head to watch him do so. That made Scout suddenly aware that he was doing it, and he faltered for a second, but he continued anyways, even as it made his thoughts a little harder to ignore when doing it consciously.

“One day, love,” Sniper said quietly, and Scout looked up at him, a little wide-eyed with surprise. Sniper smiled a little. “You’ve been doing that for about twenty minutes and staring off into space like you’re waiting for your spouse to come back from the war, love, it was a pretty easy guess to make,” he elaborated.

Scout looked back down and away. Chewed on his lip and his words.

“Is it, like,” Scout started, and had to pause for a second to think of how to word it right. “Is it ever,

y’know, weird? How I’m all... smooth and stuff? And not fuzzy like you guys?”

“Not particularly,” Demo shrugged, the shift minute since Scout could feel it. “Not a big difference.”

“I’ve met plenty of blokes who shave or wax anyways to look nice for other blokes, you’re a good few steps more hairy than them,” Sniper added.

Scout nodded slowly. “...And the... you’ve already said all the other stuff isn’t weird,” he said carefully.

“Aye,” Demo agreed.

Scout was quiet again for a few seconds.

Sniper stopped playing with his hair and removed his hand entirely, and Scout went to complain about it, but was surprised into staying quiet by Sniper rolling to prop himself up over Scout, looking down at him. “Love, are we not telling you enough how handsome you are?” Sniper teased.

Scout flushed. “You tell me plenty,” he mumbled, glancing off.

Sniper took hold of his chin and tilted him back to face him, mouth very very close to his own. “Could tell you more.”

“Could show you more,” Demo agreed, finding a place to wrap his arm over around Scout, kissing at the space under his ear and making him shiver lightly.

“I—guys, it’s fine,” he protested, but it was weak and halfhearted, because Sniper promptly moved to the other side of his neck to nip and kiss, following Demo’s lead. “I-I-I don’t need the... the extra sort of, the...”

He kept trailing off as his breath caught, the two of them being extremely distracting when they wanted to be. He jumped lightly when Demo pinched him lightly on the side, and heard the rumbly little chuckle of amusement that the motion got him.

They finished off getting him properly distracted, Demo parting with one last hard kiss on the lips, and then they were both just grinning down at him, leaving him there probably looking like a complete mess, spots on his neck surely starting to redden.

“Handsome,” Sniper observed simply.

“Gorgeous,” Demo agreed, and gave him another peck for good measure.

Scout’s face was on fire.

“...Well what are you gonna do about it?” he finally prompted impatiently, shifting a little.

Chuckles from both of them, and then they were in motion, starting to strip.

Scout took off his own briefs and the tank he used to bind when they were off work, and mostly just set to distracting Demo as the other tried to get out of his own clothes, much simpler than his uniform but more challenging when Scout was hanging off of him and kissing him absolutely silly.

Sniper pulled Scout off of Demo and back into his lap to free up Demo’s attention for a moment, and Scout’s breath caught as he felt a bare chest against his back and bare thighs under his own. Sniper kneaded at his thigh idly and tucked his head in to nose just under Scout’s ear and speak. “How d’you feel like doing this, love?” he asked softly, sentence punctuated by a little kiss. “Feels like it’s gonna be your night tonight, that sound right, Tavish?”

A sound of agreement from Demo as he struggled free of his shirt. Scout chewed on his lip and thought a little, shifting his weight back against Sniper and enjoying the way Sniper steadied him with arms wrapped around his waist, the hardness beneath him, situated in such a way that he had to really roll his hips down hard to apply any kind of real pressure and make Sniper exhale softly against his neck.

“I dunno, you could fuck me, maybe,” Scout suggested idly, rolling down against him again for emphasis.

Sniper considered that. “We got any rubbers, Tavish?” he asked, and Demo paused where he was pulling free of the last of his clothing, thinking.

“...Should,” he confirmed, moving to the bedside table to check, and coming up with a few foil squares a second later triumphantly.

“Alright then,” Sniper nodded, kissed at Scout’s neck some more. “Who d’you want for what then, love?”

“You fuck me, just like this, I suck Demo off,” Scout decided, eyeing up the bomb-maker in question as he joined them on the bed again, now naked and smiling a bit as he passed over the condoms to Sniper.

“Sounds good to me,” Demo agreed, and pulled Scout in with a hand on the back of his neck to kiss him, other hand drifting over his thigh and guiding him up into a kneeling position to give Sniper room.

Then there was a pair of fingers drifting along the inside of Scout’s thigh, moving between his legs to tease him for a few long moments before Sniper was slicking them up and slipping them inside with relative ease. Scout moaned softly against Demo’s mouth, earning a chuckle.

“Lovely thing,” Demo teased, both hands stroking over his thighs as they started to tremble under the force of Sniper’s fingers moving into and against him in throbbing waves, a skill afforded by experience he’d only gained since he’d gotten with Scout, but fuck, he’d really learned a lot in a short period of time, knew exactly what Scout liked, knew his tells, knew when he could add another finger, knew when he could pull his fingers out altogether and guide Scout back down into his lap carefully, carefully, and Scout was grateful that Demo had the foresight to get lubed condoms because the slide was so nice as he sank down.

Demo pulled back to let Scout moan and curse and make all sorts of noise, visibly admiring the show as Scout rolled and shifted his hips to try and find a good angle, Sniper muffling soft noises into his shoulder. A long few moments were spent with Scout trying desperately to get used to the feeling, only to be thrown off his rhythm as he found a good angle, then again as Sniper rolled his hips gently and the pressure shifted, then again as Demo pulled him back into a kiss.

“Gorgeous,” Sniper murmured against the top of his vertebrae, kissing there lightly, breathless. “Gorgeous thing.”

“You’re—“ Scout started to say, but it was cut off by a shaky sigh as Demo nipped at his bottom lip playfully, Sniper mirroring the motion against his backbone.

In no time at all, he was shifting his legs slightly to get comfortable and starting to move, a gentle up-and-down, barely exerting himself with how extremely fit he was, himself doing most of the work with Sniper rolling along when he could.

And Scout was lost in sensation for a little while, and Demo had been making himself busy lying a series of hickies all up one side of his neck, so he was a little surprised and largely pleased when he blinked his eyes open and saw that Demo had a hand around himself as he took in the view the two of them made. And once he realized that, Scout didn’t waste time nudging his hand aside to try and take over, and then he was being treated to the always-lovely experience of being caught between the two of them, all giving and taking pleasure as well as they could with their brains getting increasingly scrambled.

And Scout could vaguely remember having said something about sucking off Demo, but every time he tried to pull his hand away so they could readjust, Demo mumbled some vague complaint and urged him back into place again. And somewhere along the way Demo slid a hand down his stomach to toy with him in much the same way he was being toyed with, and then all motion was kicking up a notch—

Sniper was done first, surprisingly, swearing through gritted teeth, pulling out midway through as he shuddered through aftershocks that seemed to drag on and on. Scout gasped, and found himself desperate and just a little bit demanding. But man, he really did get lucky enough to find two guys who were real hot and pretty smart, because when Sniper had finally settled down a little Demo had already rolled on a condom and was urging Scout into his lap instead, and he exhaled with relief as he sank down again, mouth locking together with Demo’s as soon as he could get the breath for it, Demo working a hand back down between them to then work at Scout as best he could as the other lifted and rolled Scout with very little effort involved.

And at that point they were both worked along to the point where it barely took any time at all before Scout was trying to muffle himself into Demo’s neck—yes he got loud in bed, no he couldn’t help it, even if he tended to be the one the team then took potshots at over breakfast for being a noise complaint. And Demo was there too, swearing in a choked voice and breathing hard.

Actually, they both were breathing pretty hard. And Scout felt ever-so-slightly steamrolled and extremely pleased with himself and the state of the world around them. And he found himself playing with the abundance of hair across Demo’s chest as he came back down, melting into a nice little puddle  in his lap and humming, gone soft and relaxed.

“Handsome,” Demo quipped, kissing at the side of his head, and Scout couldn’t help but smile at the feeling of a beard rasping against his hair.

“Feeling better?” Sniper prompted, and Scout could only hum for a moment, still a little overwhelmed. That got a chuckle out of the both of them.

“Must’ve done something right, aye?” Demo asked, and Scout heard the two of them sharing a brief kiss over his shoulder, and that got him to grin all the more.

“You guys are the best,” Scout decided, mumbly but pleased.

A hum of agreement. “...Y’know that, er, thing you tend to do? Where I’ll be acting like an absolute bugger and mouthing off and you make me go eat lunch and then suddenly everything’s all better because I wasn’t in a bad mood, I was just hungry?” Sniper asked.

Scout hummed in agreement.

“Think this might be that for you,” Sniper concluded, smoothing hands down Scout’s sides, and Scout leaned into it. “A little attention and all’s right with the world, seems like.”

Demo cupped his chin and tilted his face up to kiss at his cheek, and Scout was sure he was grinning like a total dope, but he couldn’t help it. “More attention might be just what the doctor ordered,” he agreed. “That sound right to you, lad?”

Scout hummed in agreement, melting back forward into Demo’s chest again.

“Alright, lovely as you are you ought to get up so we can mop up, doll,” Demo urged, and helped shift Scout up and out of his lap gently. “Made a damn mess of you, would like to avoid ruining the sheets.”

“Shower?” Sniper asked, pulling Scout to his feet.

“Shower,” Scout agreed.

And maybe it was just that Scout had been a little pent-up and it was doing things to his head. Or maybe it was that the two of them were excellent at comforting him in any way he could when those doubts started to spring up. Either way, he found it really hard to be worried about something as simple as him being less hairy than your bog-standard guy off the street when he had Sniper playing and helping to wash his hair and Demo humming more gentle compliments into his ear and bickering quietly with Sniper over nothing important.

[kaiju-z]

FINALLY back on track, after a month and a half of stuff getting in our way, but here we are with session 20!!!

Seon Adventures Episode 20: Going Solo...

With the passing of the night, comes the light of day.

The trio of Belli, Luctan and Mournimar awake alongside Morgan and the elf baby with notably Amelia, Archie, Burk and Rimefang missing. Luctan does elaborate where Amelia had gone, though it gets missed in the confusion when everyone wonders what happened with Burk.

Thinking quickly on her feet, Belli sends a message to Burk to check where he is. But all he answers with is that  Rimefang’s fine, don’t know where Amelia is.”

As Luctan fixes the baby up for the day, packing him like a little baby burrito (a babitto, if you will), the remaining bunch go upstairs, while Belli gives a call to Amelia. Amelia, who had been having the most wonderful of sleeps she has had since a long while.

“No.”

Belli sends her a message again with a whistle.

“No. Just no.”

Luctan has to repeat himself on where Amelia actually is, much to the amusement of the adopted duo.

As they climb up the stairs, everything seems normal and as expected from the previous night, people coming and going, welcomed and- And the party for some reason get approached by a very confused human, wearing the robes of the temple of Keemis.

Brunette, with an undercut, in his 30′s, scars on his arms and face, the kind man delivers a letter to the bunch, asking if they’re the Cultbusters.

“Are you the Cultbusters?”

“Depends on who’s asking?”- Belli.

“3 of them!”- Mournimar.

After a brief sibling argument about just up and telling people their identities, the man elaborates that the letter is written by Burk. Or. Well, he helped Burk write that letter for the party.

Mournimar is the one to read it to everyone else. All lower case, a lot of the words are misspelled.

“ hi. this is from burk. i am leaving now. ive been thinking and i think i do not need to be here anymore. i found one of the guys i was looking for and it was really easy and no ofense but i was hoping for cold hard killers and u r not. but you were all realy nice to me, nicer than any one has before so i am going to miss all of u very much. rimefang is coming with me because hes too cool for u. also i think hes geting bigger cause he started sheding or some thing i dont know. i left some scales for u, and ur share of the gold. there is a lot of stuff i wana go do and i feel bad draging u guys with me so i gotta go do it my self. but i want u all to know im not just going to kill people for me. i am doing stuff for u. For amelia and luc i am going to come back and we are gona have the best fight ever and learn a lot. For beli i am going to steal the biggest shinyest kazoo i can find. For morni i will stop punching wolfs and also be nicer to weird animals i find in the forest. u were all very nice and good with peeple and not good at vilence, and thats a good thing. but i dont fit in. bye for a while

 burk “

The trio are devastated. Belli is the most vocal, with Mournimar having to calm her down, while Luctan stands stoically, with the baby in his arm.

Burk left.

It’s heart breaking.

It’s heart breaking and the cleric tries to cast Calm Emotions on the lot of them to try and soothe their woes. Mournimar fails his save, Luctan doesn’t even try and Belli tanks that and starts shouting at him for imposing his magic on them, without their consent.

“Don’t you fucking dare try and tell me what to fucking feel.” -  She is emotion personified.

When things calm down, Luctan apologizes and asks for the messenger’s name.

“ My name is Malak. I am a Devotee of Keemis. I’ve been living here in this temple for a few years.” He had heard of the Cultbusters’ reputation and found interest and want to join them on their questing, seeing as they’ve stirred some cults out of their comfort.

Thrown them out of their rhythm, if you will.

He is accepted, Belli referring to him as their “intern” for now and, with introductions made, and Malak gathering his equipment, the bunch of them take to the last tavern they had gone to for breakfast and meeting back up with Amelia.

Amelia waits for them there. Nel had spoken to her about how she managed to get her mother to agree on leaving town for a while with the help of a family friend. And she had made some sort of offer to Amelia.

The group are again together at the tavern and introduce Malak. Amelia and Malak shake hands as a distraught Belli pays the tavern keeper to go and work the kitchen for a while.

Amelia encourages her. “The fact he wrote us a letter means he cared about The Cultbusters.” She gently holds Belli’s arm, ‘cause Belli’s abandonment issues have kicked in hard.

There’s stress baking and then there’s stress cooking. And Belli does this handily. And she makes... so much food! 1st, second, third Breakfasts, if those were actual things, of course.

“It’ll be alright. He had to do what he had to do.”

As Belli comes and goes with increasingly more and more plates of food, we end up talking about the baby and his future. The little elven boy keeps tugging at Luctan’s hair, fussing at him and getting fussed at.

A few suggestions get made. From Malak’s suggestion to raise the child in the orphanage, to the talk with Nel the other day, involving handing him over to a rich family.

The decision is hard to make. Whether he likes it or not, Luctan’s attached himself to the little one, but he knows he can’t keep him with the party as dangers keep increasing on their journey. He had been having waking flashes back to every incident since the child was with them and how scared he was from the screams and roars and hurts and aches.

He couldn’t let the baby travel with them further. He knew what he was going to do, regardless of where the baby went, but still.

Amelia catches up with Malak on his Keemis Clergy work.

 He’s been at this for 5-6 years or so. He heard about the party after the CB helped arrest the local cultists. He’s fascinated by souls and how they transition, based on their alignment. He’s searching for an answer to this question. Basically, he’s looking for research.

Amelia asks where he’s from.

“I’m from Lian. It is not a good place to raise a kid and I left home, got a lot of people from my home town killed. We wanted to leave, thought we’d make our own band of soldiers to fight in the war and I’m the only one left. And so I try to find some meaning in the senseless death and resurrection and ended up meeting some Keemis priests. Fell in with them and came up here.”

The gang try to cheer him up about his backstory woes and some end up sharing their own troubles. Mournimar does so. Luctan gives away the shocker that his family owned slaves and that triggered his sense of aiding those in need, freeing the captive ones and fleeing via teleport scroll.  And lastly Belli tells the tragic story of her family.

Doting on the baby commences, while Mournimar gives Malak some pointers on the shenanigans he is up for with Belli, now that he is part of the group.

Following their hefty meal, Mournimar gets his new armor. Better fitted than his previous one. Since he found it in the barracks??? This one is more custom. Studded Leather, which raises his AC + 1

Going back on forth on where to go next, during this tragic shopping episode, Belli shares Burk’s treasures with the cleric, seeing as he had left them for the rest.

Before anything can be really bought, though, aside of the meals, we go for the payment on the Serial Kilelr job.

As the party draw closer to the dungeons, Mournimar suggests Belli let Luctan talk, which offends Belli, who gets encouragement from Luck and Malak that she’ll do great. Malak ingretiating himself by casting Guidance and Enhance Ability on the Half-Orc Bard, right before she approaches the receptionists, an older Half-Elf man and a yellow tiefling.

“Now is the time to prove them wrong.”

The conversation is quick and Belli shines during this process. We are thanked, the lot of us, for the work we did and are pointed to the office of the Captain in charge.

While walking, we get a few pointers on places to visit around town.

Generally South-West of the city is a good night’s time.” the HElf answers Amelia. Though, uh,  he wouldn’t know personally. Definitely.

We walk down to the office, knock on the door before walking in.

We are welcomed in by the Halfling woman inside. She’s dressed well for her job. Not exactly the outfit one would expect for prison duty, but then again, they didn’t have a good idea on that, themselves. Blue eyes observe us warmly and kindly, through a wavy bob haircut, while she fiddles with the cuff of one of her sleeves. Her office is bare, maybe she’s new, maybe it’s how she likes it.

She kind of looks everyone up and down. “I’m guessing you’re the folks we’ve been expecting, huh?”

The party apologize as they didn’t have a proper schedule in mind and the thought is shared vice-versa as it just... Really was like that sometimes? Often times?! A lot. It happened a lot.

For finding the hide out of the slayer of cityfolk, for convincing his husband to give himself up and testify about his beloved, the ‘busters gain a monetary reward. As she pulls out a big chest on the table, Belli tries to convince her to unionise. To some possible success? She certainly seems curious about the suggestion itself.

Ames kinda looks her up and down and gives a smol little thumbs up

She’s a valuable worker, she’s worth more.

On behalf of the city of Crystalgate, thank you for all of your efforst in intervening with the issue. The culprits have been dealt with.” Much to the four original members’ surprise, the husband has been released, having promissedto turn over a new leaf.

Luctan would later ask the captain, who introduced herself to the five as River Blackbrace (Just River), where he could find the husband and, after ensuring her that he planned no ill will towards the man, she guesses he’d be back in town or at one of the temples.

The woman feels like rewarding us with more, since this isn’t her gold, yeah? Lots of paperwork time prevented. The five are given suggestions on places to go and spend our money. Between " Neladrie's Rarities” and “Snipper’s Hall’, the clothing store of Grinella, they have some good options on their way.

Grinella is the best at her work, as far as River’s concerned.

Before they go, we mention to River that we plan on participating in the Spring Festival’s tournament.

River mentions that it was originally created as a celebration of the heroes Septum Sabata. It’s a series of trials re-creating what they went through to save everyone. Malak has watched it a few times and things happening around the arena a few good times. He’s the local CG expert.

And if they really feel down, there’s also a place... a-a-

Café where they summon fae animals.

And should they need a good book,  there’s a library in the north east. “The Lady Stormweaver National Library.” The conversation about books prompts Luctan to show off the “Handerstaad” he got from Sa Doma.

And River spills the tea that Kheyha is a local. And has spent some time in the dungeons for her alcoholism antics. (Never meet your heroes, kids.)

They are suggested to stay away from the Ebryosis followers. Best leave those kinky fellas to their own “dungeons”.

As they walk walk to the clothes and magical trinkets shops, Mournimar has a heart to heart with Belli, apologizing for his behavior. While Luctan checks the money with Malak. The sibs hug it out, while the money is counted and distributed amongst all of them, even as Malak protests some.

There’s a faint tingle of wind chimes as the five go to one of the most eclectic collections of goods of various kinds we’ve ever seen. Sort of an order to it, anyways. A rainbow pattern across the show. Vaguely arranged in no particular order. Pretty much everything’s in a different size and shape.

A high elven woman, Neladrie, sits in a tall stool behind a desk, very long hair. She glances vaguely at us and has a monocular on.

Good morning. Feel free to look around. Please be aware you’re being watched, so don’t get any funny ideas. And Welcome.”  She points at her watchful little pseudodragon, watching from the rafters.

Belli uses mage hand to pat the dragon.

She knows she’s a good gorl.

The search commences as each member of the party search foritems with some help of the shopkeeper.

Malak gains supplies for his Divination magic, including dragon bones.

Mournimar tries and fails to find anything that could enhance his wisdom.

Amelia gets her hands on some lovely sea shells.

Luctan gets helped with finding a focus for his recently developed magical abilities. A small purple crystal.

All the while Belli takes her pick, between some wild musical instruments.

There is an holy banjo with all the gods’ symbols.

There’s a great axe with a wider handle. A didgerydeath, if you will.

And also, what appears to be a kazoo 2. One sort of kazoo entrance and branches out into different sights. It’s like if a kazoo had different pitches.

There’s also a set of bagpipes.

And last, but not least, an ukulele of sorts. Upon testing it, the ukulute sounds like a spannish guitar, almost.

Ostentatious is her brand and after testing all the instruments, she agrees to buy the ukulute.

With purchases made, the gang take the next step of their journey, going to the “Snipper’s Hall”, where they meet the one and only  Grindelia Snipper. A Goblin Woman, standing atop a 7ft tall step ladder, measuring a tall model with her arm tattoo.

“OH! Welcome!” 

"Snipper’s Hall” is a long building, like a miniature Viking lounge house, with elements of stone to keep it stable. There is a wide variety of different sort of premade outfits, models of different heights going from 4.5 to 8ft tall... And. There’s a jewelry section.

After a greeting, the party make their requests and orders in a friendly sort of manner. Mournimar buys a jacket and a stag brooch, Belli gets herself a new, lovely outfit, a dress of blue and pink, as well as a canine bracelet. Malak’s fine as he is and Amelia is left uncertain with what to purchase.

Upon Luctan’s request... A custom outfit which’ll take a few days to put together, the poor secret Tieflingman gets handled with amazing strength and tenacity by the spunky and overly friendly goblin woman, who measures him nice and well with her arm and finger, taking his numbers with keen eyes, even with his armor still on.

He can’t be sure why, but the very suggestion she’s sent people to get treatment over the roughhousing sends a chill down his spine. The elf baby just has a blast during the entire developement.

Business transaction made, the next stop is “Peppery Pete’s Pile of Potions.”

Belli is still angry with the old gnome, over his potions involving Orcish strength, given the negative stereotype about Orcish intelligence lowering the user’s titular stat.

A stern talking to is to be had, before any dealings get made there.

Along the way to the shop, Luctan asks Malak if he knows anything about the tournament, beyond what the party had heard and he shares his knowledge with the gang:

“The Tournament is divided into three trials The Trial of the Elemental Lords, the Trial of the Beast and the Trial of the Betrayed.

The Trial of the Elemental Lords involves the blending of the elements being worked into a challenge that teams must overcome together.

The Trial of the Beast involves fighting a mighty beast that establishes victors as a cut above the rest.

The Trial of the Betrayed is the grand finale, the remaining 2 groups battle it out. But there are clerics on standby. You cannot aim to kill, just to knock unconscious. Any deliberate murder would be acted upon as such in a court of lawAfter the tournament, a party is held for all groups within the Echosmith Hall and the champions are presented with their rewards.”

Luctan’s mind wanders. Things to be re-worked in his goals.

The lot of them soon reach the shop and, upon summoning Pete inside, welcomes are had. Arguing commences between the Half-Orc and the Gnome as Pete ultimately admits that he stopped producing the particualr offending potion, much to the losses in his product.

Ideas are being thrown around on potions Pete could work on in turn, before any business could be had, involving the party’s wants and needs.

Aside from getting a Greater Health Potion and a new Potion of Wizard’s Folly (after giving his first one to Danton back in Sa Doma), the party have... particular requests.

Belli takes note of the “ Basilisk Tears “ potion. For 200 gold, she most definitely buys that and makes plans. Fast plans on the use.

On Luctan’s end, with the deal being made for Peter sponsoring the adventurers for the tournament to come, Luctan gives in to the support of the full party, now that they are all in the shop, as opposed to only half there. With the price for his sword’s modification being brought down to 1,000 gold and the helping hand of Mournimar, Amelia and Malak, who didn’t even want the share of money given to him, Luctan accets.

And hands his greatsword over to the gnome for the specific enchantments he requested.

Belli has that moment of realization, you know? The one, where you just know that you have to move, while the moving is available and contacts Ficus about the Potion of Basilisk Tears, a concoction that might JUST bring her family back to their old selves!

With the party’s blessings, she runs off towards the Crusty Challice, where Ficus will wait for her.

But she doesn’t go alone as Mournimar tails her, just to make sure she doesn’t get messed with, before getting to her older brother. All the while the rest of the group are welcomed to the back of the shop by Pete for training.

As the work out commences, Mournimar follows. And as he follows, he keeps an eye out for anyone shady that might be watching Belli on her way out of the walls of the city.

He doesn’t see anyone. But gets the feeling that he is watched. He investigates that feeling. He notices that someone in the crowd is watching him. Seems to be, looks like a bald older man, stocky built, little bit tall and for a second the tiefling swears there's the faint glimmer of horns in his shadow, but then they disappear. As does he as Mournimar tries to find him in the crowd. To no avail.

Regardless, he continues on the path to the tavern.

There’s a bit of a smog in the tavern as people’ve lit cigarettes and pipes. Belli and Ficus have a good long talk as she shows him the potion of Basilisk tears. They are shaken, misty eyed and anxious to see if it works. This horror that befell their family... It could end in the next couple of days!

By the time she hugs Ficus, Mournimar has entered the tavern and commenced watching over the shadyness that may be observed from the patrons.

Which is to say, he’s basically looking through a sea of shade.

He does notice, though, one of the bartenders has a sort of, finely shaped jaw and stood up black hair, a bit of stubble and seems to be watching Mournimar a bit more intently than normal.

Mournimar tries to stealth closer to the guy, even though he’s aware. He tries to figure out who the guy is, but he has no idea.

Eye contact is made between the two as the guy slides a glass with Brandy over to Mournimar and just continues with his work behind the bar.

Mourni has a leetl sip to make sure everything’s Gucci. Tastes like some of the brandy from around Bavorum. Nostalgic.

Through some small talk, Mournimar learns that the man’s name is “Joe”. Just a working Joe, you know?

It’s less of a talk and more of an interrogation as they don’t break eye contact.

“The brandy’s on the house, Mournimar.” the man answers with the name that the tiefling hadn’t given him. Like. At all.

No answer given on how he knows that.

He backs out the back door with a wink and Mournimar follows after her.

There’s no way the Half-Orcs don’t see this by now and they dash and jump on after the digitigrade ranger, who finds himself and Morgan out in the back alley, with no sign of the mystery man, named Joe.

He tries everything he can, from following tracks, to Hunter’s Mark, to Morgan’s snoofer, but nothing works. The man is just... gone.

With the Narahs catching up to him, he explains what happened and has to be talked down from pointlessly searching for a man, or whoever, who is just “GONE”.

It is then that Belli must explain to him that she has to leave Crystalgate with Ficus. To try the potion on her family. It’s hard on Mournimar, but the frazzled tiefling understands.

Belli hands him Orion and states that, if anything is to happen, she’ll call the others. They then agree to meet up with the others for a proper goodbye.

The others, by the way, doing pretty well for themselves in this new enviroment.

A deal has been made that every time Amelia does good in the training, Archie gets a treat.

Given that the chunky kitty is on his back, getting pats on his big belly from the baby, she’s killed this training.

The entire development has left the running quartet staggering back to the rest of the party. Mournimar doesn’t spot anything off on the way back. 

As everyone reconvenes, Mournimar gives them an update on the respective situations, giving in detail a description of this “Joe” character. He worries it could be related to Lazarus, his ex. Or Kahlia. Or Potencia herself. He gets calmed by Luctan’s wording on the subject.

“We’re a bunch of famous and attractive people. Let’s face it. we have fans.”

As the party splits up, with Belli making her goodbyes with the rest of the gang, Luctan Blesses her and Ficus, which catches Malak’s attention. Thinking about the type of magic being used, he can tell that, though holy, it is not one of the Five that has given Luctan his abilities.

With Belli and Ficus taking Kevin and Killer, the rest of the party opt to go to the circus on the outskirts of town.

“The Voluptani Mystique “, a big tent circus in the north-west part of town’s outskirts. It’s fabulous on the outside.

They pay and notice at the entrance, a red skinned tiefling woman with a long, ball gown dress, leaning against the booth she stood inside and she waves a hand over and leaves a small mark with Prestidigitation.

Lead inside,  it’s basically how you imagine a circus. An arena with seats around the circle. The four and their animal companions take a seat at the front as the Dancing Lights Cantrip flies around the tent, lighting and highlighting everything and everyone gathered, people of many walks of life. Just here for a little show to end the evening.

A cloud of smoke emits from the middle and the huge entrance of the tent swings shut.

Inside the cloud the lights start hovering, we can see the lights start changing color and go in different directions, erratic and suddenly there are hops from around the room where everyone’s sitting. And back in the middle, when they look, they see a high elf woman with pitch black hair falling long and wavy towards the bottom.

She stands with one hand in the air and one hand spread outwards towards the side. She pauses, looks around the audience and she whistles three high pitched notes. She snaps with her pointing up hand and the lights skatter, going right towards the audience. The cloud disappears and in the time it was there, the original woman is gone and there are two halflings, a man and a woman and they start doing all sorts of contortions. They entwine and roll in a ball. Throughout the whole show there is this almost hypnotic flute music. Pyrotechnic displays and after each one, there is a set of three elven dancer,s almost dangerously close as they maneuver around. Really fucking weird. A whole lot of illusion magic is happening here.

At one point the elven dancers starts flying around and Mallak, being a local, has seen this before.

After 3 hours of this weird bewhildering performance the entire room lights up and it’s completely clear and the original high elf woman, who’s actually an eladrin, is still in that same pose as when things started.

And she says “Thank you all once again, as always, please leave your tips with faith on the way out and thank you. She snaps with fingers and purple energy surrounds her as she leaves.

Bewhildered and amazed, Mournimar kinda wants to give this a go. Run away and joy the circus? Follow your dream, bud!

Having been in Crystalgate for a few years now, Malak had abided in a few viewings of the spectacle and, though it’s often with some modifications, it’s generlaly been the same good experience over time. He’s happy.

Amelia shares with the gang about the possibility of hanging out at Nel’s for a few days. As though there was any question on whether they would say “no” to such an offer.

 As the night covers the sky above Crystalgate, the party find themselves again at the rich sector of town, being watched by a guard.  Nel arrives at the gate, red faced after messaging Amelia. She forgot to give her a badge and was now paying the price with the run she had to make.

Sadly, though a talented bard,  Nel has the muscle content of a slug.

The party soon make it back to Shadowspire Manner, lead by Nel, after introducing Mal to the Half-Elven woman and sharing of Burk’s departure.

They are shown around. the rooms, the kitchen, everything they’d need, before she takes Amelia’s hand and leads her to her room. Nel’s room. She is the body guard and she must guard that body.

Mournimar and Malak opt to crash in Luctan’s room for the evening, deciding not to split the party any further than this.

Luctan watches out of a window for about an hour, while humming to the baby, before going to bed.

As Mournimar and Malak sleep, Mournimar has some kind of dream...

But Luctan doesn’t sleep.

No.

Instead, once he’s sure the others have fallen in rem sleep, he sneaks outside and goes for a short walk around the neighbourhood, doing whatever it is that he does at this time.

After coming back in, 5-10-20-to-30 minutes later, he feels the hairs on the back of his neck stand up and notices a shadow close to Mournimar, with no one casting it.

Then it disappears.

After investigating out the window, Luctan goes to bed and meditates... on something else.....

Day 2 comes to an end.

Previous Episode / Halloween Episode / Next Episode

[antihero-writings]

The Things We Say Aloud—Pandora Hearts Fic for Phmonth18 Rainsworth Trio Week—Prompt 2: Family (Full Fic)

Fic Title: The Things We Say Aloud

Fic Synopsis: The Rainsworth Trio has a tradition of midnight snowball fights. But what if this is Break’s last?

Notes: This is another fic I wrote last Christmas (for the prompt “Rain”), but I think will work well for Phmonth18. I think it works best for the Rainsworth Trio Prompt 2: Family. You don’t have to have read the previous Christmas fic to understand it, but they are supposed to take place in the same year, and there are a few connections/references between them. (The other one is called “In Plain Sight” and you can read it on this blog, and/or at I_prefer_the_term_antihero ‘s Ao3!)

Out of all the PH fics I’ve written so far, this is honestly probably my favorite. I would deeply appreciate it if you commented to let me know you enjoyed it!

I feel like the Rainsworth Trio–especially Sharon and Break–don’t really talk about Break’s death, even though they know it’s coming. I thought it would be interesting to explore how such a conversation would go, and almost made myself cry writing it!

Also, point of interest, a song that I think works really well for the section of this fic where Break is pondering if it will be his last Christmas is “Into the Open Air” from the Brave soundtrack.

P.S. This is a repost of an old fic!

Fic:

Rain pounded its tune on the roof. It was the kind of rain that swarms the air, making it misty, grey, and cold with the buzzing of a thousand tiny drops.

It wasn’t that he disliked the rain. There will always be something about the rain that’s soothing to people dealing with sorrow. But rain like this; that pounds, and pounds, and doesn’t dissipate, sometimes serves to extend the mistiness inside too. Though it could be a rest, a relief, people like him always pray for the sun to come back. For sunny days and summer light were something people like him, with red eyes, and a past full of sin, knew they didn’t deserve, but couldn’t help seeking all the same.

Xerxes Break walked through the hallway of the Rainsworth manor. He wore his turquoise and gold outfit, half of his white hair falling across his shoulder, the other, shorter side, messily added to the covering the bandages provided—bandages over the place where his left eye should have been, though it rarely bled anymore.

As he passed by one of the rooms, he saw Sharon. She looked so small, but so regal, sitting on the windowsill, with her back to the glass, now frosted with condensation. Her chestnut hair was pulled back with a ribbon, and she was wearing her little pink dress. The little girl was pouting, staring at the ground, her arms folded over her chest in the characteristic expression children wear when they don’t get their way.

He paused, resting his hand on the doorframe.

She lifted her head.

When she met his eyes, he remembered very quickly that was not in his skill set to comfort little girls.

When he glanced back, she was giving him a look that said Well? Aren’t you going to come comfort me?

He knew better than to disobey such a look. He took a deep breath and walked in, hopping up on the windowsill next to her.

Like the rain, it wasn’t that he disliked kids, he just didn’t know how to deal with them. When they cried and threw tantrums…in short, he didn’t know how to deal with emotion (well, strong ones anyways). He couldn’t help hoping that kids like her could stay happy, and innocent forever. Like he had hoped for his young mistress from another time, and seen it go so very wrong, then later heard, through his own interference, that he had made it go far worse. But children would have to get hurt, they would have to grow up, some day. And in turn, they would become the kinds of creatures who hurt, and caused pain, who even killed, and made excuses for it…creatures like himself.

Luckily, he found that Sharon was a much happier, much kinder, much stronger child than most.

When she didn’t speak—(he didn’t dare ask, for fear of making it worse)—he turned to look outside the window.

“Xerx-niisan,” she began at last, “Why is the sky crying?”

He turned back to her, raising an eyebrow. “Huh?”

They weren’t siblings; they weren’t even remotely related. But for some reason, the name fixed itself in her mouth, and nothing he did or said could change that.

She could be a little tyrant sometimes.

At his misunderstanding, she continued to pout, averting her eyes. Then she jerked back to look at him, (he flinched a little), and said in a high pitched voice, “It’s almost Christmas! Why is it raining? It should be snowing!”

“Oh,” he relaxed a little, contemplating his response, “Well…it’s not going to stop raining just because you want it to. Sometimes,” he gave a sardonic smile that was more painful than the frown that seemed fixed on his face, looking away into the rain, as if he would find answers reading the drops, “things…people…that should be happy, just can’t be. And no matter how much you want something…”

He trailed off, and when he turned back, he saw tears welling in her eyes.

Nice going, Xerxes, you barely have to open your mouth to make a little girl cry.

There they were, brimming to the surface: all those emotions he didn’t know what to do with. He could only sit there, waiting for her own brand of rain to start, wanting more than anything to escape, to not have to figure out the right words to fix her.

It was the crying he hated the most. Maybe it was because it reminded him too much of a certain day, long ago, of a certain girl…but the snow did fall that day…

Still, he wasn’t going to tell her that if she just wished hard enough, if she believed in hope, the-general-goodness-of-the-world-and-its-inhabitants, and maybe a little bit of magic, that the snow would fall, that she could change things. Wishes were dangerous things, and he didn’t suggest anyone make them. You never know who, or what, might be listening.

Fortunately, before the tears reached her cheeks, Sharon’s mother, Shelly Rainsworth, appeared at the doorway. She looked almost exactly like an older version of her daughter, the same chestnut hair, the same smile that shined with a light of its own.

Upon seeing the tearful look on her daughter’s face, she marched into the room, put her hands on her hips, and turned to Break.

“Xerxes,” she said his name like he really was Sharon’s brother, “what did you say to her?”

“Why do you assume it was my fault, Shelly-sama?” he muttered, sounding like the child she was calling out.

“Let’s just say you have a habit of stepping on people’s feelings.”

He sighed. “I was only telling her that it won’t start snowing simply because she wants it to.”

“It’s almost Christmas, mother!” Sharon said like she was pleading her case, the tears reappearing in her eyes.

Shelly smiled, shaking her head.

“What am I going to do with you two?” she crouched down in front of Sharon, and paused, contemplating her own question for a moment. “Tell you what, sweetie; I can’t promise it’ll start snowing because you want it to, but I can promise this:” she pushed her daughter’s tears away, “The moment it starts snowing—or, I suppose,” she interrupted herself, “the moment there’s enough snow on the ground, but no later!—we’ll go outside, and have a snowball fight. How does that sound?”

“Really?” Sharon raised her head, the sadness lifting a little.

“Even if I’m busy, or it starts snowing in the middle of the night,” Shelly elaborated, grinning, “No, especially, if it’s in the middle of the night,” she placed a finger on Sharon’s nose, at which the little girl giggled, “I’ll wake you up—or you me—then, while everyone else is asleep, we’ll run around the house in just our pajamas and coats, we’ll wake Xerxes—”

“What?!” Break blurted out.

“Yes, we’ll wake Xerxes,” she repeated smirking, “drag him outside—”

“Do I get a say in this?!”

“Nope,” she grinned mischievously, “Don’t think I’m letting you get out of this one.”

“Tch.” He looked away.

She walked calmly to the couch, picked up one of the pillows, as if she was going to fluff it, brought it over to them, and smacked him with it.

He growled, his red eye starting to blaze, like some caged beast.

She threw the pillow back onto the couch, sighing, saying seriously, “I don’t want you sitting here on this windowsill forever…I know, somewhere inside you, there’s someone…” she pondered it, then smiled, saying simply, “Someone who’s not afraid. You’re stronger than you think. Deep down, I think, these sorts of things that seem childish, like snowball fights, and tea-parties,” she smirked, “fun things, you actually enjoy.”

He looked away, as if knowing he could only disappoint her.

She added softly, placing a finger on his chin, making him look at her,

“We’ll see that smile someday, Xerxes Break.”

He stared at her as she took her fingers away, then he blinked, averting his eyes again. murmuring something about, “Really, Shelly-sama…I’d just ruin—”

“Sharon,” Shelly interrupted his mutterings, turning to her daughter, “Do you think Xerxes should sit here sulking, day in and day out, or do you think he should join our snowball fight?”

“Xerx-niisan should come with us!” she didn’t even take a breath before she answered.

He stared into the little girl’s eyes, so full of hope, no question, no hesitation, just…kindness, endless kindness.

Shelly smiled at her daughter, which turned into devious smirk when she looked at him.

“Checkmate.”

He bit his lip before jumping back down to the ground, muttering incoherently his displeasure, knowing once they were set, he couldn’t change their minds.

They could be tyrants sometimes.

Most people wouldn’t have gone near him, much less want him to be a part of something…well, fun. He knew what people said about him. It didn’t matter, it had been a long time since he had cared what other people thought, plus, he more than welcomed the lack of company. But, the thing is, he knew they were right; he was creepy, and dark, and very, very dangerous. So, he too, often wondered why they had taken him in, why they treated him like something worth saving, worth dragging out of bed for snowball fights, and tea-parties, rather than being sure, like rest of the world was—like he was—that he would just darken everything with any amount of light in it.

That’s what Children of Misfortune were for, right?

A little girl, who should have been more scared of him than anyone, who should’ve wanted him as far away from her and her snowball fights than anyone, could not only go near him, but fail to hesitate as she bounded up to this dark-and-dangerous man, looked into that blood-red eye, and asked him why the sky was crying, gave him flowers, and called him “brother.”

And that was worth more to him than he would ever dare admit aloud.

*****

It was from nightmares about knights, and blood, little girls, dolls, and names that he never mentioned, that Xerxes Break awoke from.

Breath and heartbeat weighed heavily on his chest. Once the memories faded enough for him to remember that, though it may have been real, it was not now, he gritted his teeth together, slamming his fist into the wall behind him. He didn’t care how much pain was pulsating through his hand.

If only it would take his mind off the throbbing in his empty eye socket.

If he had been a weaker man, perhaps he would have screamed, even cried, perhaps he would have whispered something pitifully to the sheets about not wanting to remember again, not wanting nightmares like this one to show their faces in his head. But he had already made a wish, and these nightmares were its descendants. He didn’t have the authority to dream anymore.

All he had was the anger and regret surging through his body, and nowhere for it to go, except make his past a weapon that shattered him just as much as it did his enemies, into glass shards, and cold bones, and bloodstained roles.

Still, there was some part of him that hoped after so many years they would have stopped haunting him. And sure, maybe it wasn’t every night, but they did come. Perhaps that’s why they call them ghosts; There were too many horrors to be reminded of, too many sins to feel guilty for, too little he could do to fix it, and the nightmares were all too eager for the task. One lifetime was not enough for them to let him forget.

They say ‘there’s no rest for the wicked’, and his mind was often cruel enough to remind him.

When he raised his gaze, he saw that the curtain was open just slightly, and something in the sliver of window flickered.

The Mad Hatter sighed, throwing his legs over the side of the bed.

It was awfully cold.

He stepped up to the window, gently pulling back the curtain, just enough so he could see.

He drew in a breath softly, his eye widening at the view:

It was snowing.

There was enough moonlight to see flakes falling upon the grounds—which were cloaked in white by now.

Like that time years ago, for the whole month, the only thing that fell from the clouds was rain, and finally, the sky decided that Christmas Eve was no time to be laying in bed, sleeping, or else dreaming about past follies.

“Well, Shelly-sama, what do you think?” he spoke softly to the merciful sky, “One last snowball fight?” he paused a moment, turning, leaning against the window, as if waiting for an answer to be whispered in his ear.

He stepped over to his wardrobe, throwing a coat over his pajamas, taking up some winter gloves, putting on socks and boots, and, as always, placing Emily on his shoulder (she wouldn’t want to miss this).

Lighting the candelabra on his nightstand, he ventured into the hallway, making his way toward Sharon’s bedroom.

Opening the door as quietly as he could, he walked in, setting the light on her nightstand.

Sharon was sleeping soundly on her curtained bed, her hair splayed all over the sheets, wrinkled in the night’s sleep, and she hugged her pillow.

He resisted the urge to laugh at her un-proper appearance.

Break sat on the side of her bed, by her head, saying quietly,

“Ojousama.”

She stirred in her sleep, muttering something indecipherable.

He gently ran his hand through her hair, saying louder, “Sharon.”

She blinked open fuchsia eyes to see her servant.

“Break,” she muttered his name softly.

Slowly, she sat up, yawning, looking around.

“Break, what’re you…?” she began, fatigue weighing down her words, then shook it away by shaking her head, “What are you doing in my room?! In the middle of the night! How dare you wake me up!”

He knew what was coming next: she grabbed one of the pillows, and he dodged it before she hit him with it. “Do you think you can just come in here as you please?!”

“Really, Ojousama,” he laughed, standing back up, “You think I’d risk injury without good reason?”

She folded her arms over her chest, pouting. He walked over to the window, throwing open the curtain, standing beside it.

“This better not be one of your pranks, Break,” she muttered, walking over to the window.

“Relax. When have I ever been that cruel?”

She glared at him, as if to say I-could-name-a-few-times, then turned to the window, surveying the landscape outside.

Her aggravated expression broke for widened eyes and a smile.

“Break!” she exclaimed, all grievance forgotten, grabbing his hands and spinning him around, “It’s snowing!!” she let go of him, and jumped up on the bed, repeating, “It’s snowing!! It’s snowing!!”

He smirked, folding his arms over his chest; No matter how old she really was, she still looked like that little kid to him.

“What do you say?” he helped her down from the bed, “One last snowball fight?”

“What are you talking about ‘one last’?” she grabbed the pillow and managed to catch him off guard this time. “You better not be talking about that again!”

She didn’t wait for him to respond as she dropped the pillow and ran over to her wardrobe, found a little coat to throw over her nightshirt, boots, and gloves, then handed him a ribbon to tie her hair back.

“Ready?” he tapped her on the shoulder when he had finished tying her hair.

She nodded, beaming.

They weren’t too far from Reim’s room when Break asked her to hold the candelabra, and stepped down the stairs to the front door.

“Where are you going?” she asked, “Reim’s room is this way.”

“This will only take a moment,” he grinned.

She put her hand on her hip, scowling at him as he ran out the front door. Quickly he returned, with the first snowball in his gloved hand.

“Break! Just what are you intending to do with that?!”

“You’ll see!” said Emily.

Sharon sighed, placing her head in her hand.

Reim stayed at the Rainsworth’s often enough that he had his own room (albeit, not a very fancy one). They quietly entered it to see the servant laying on a bed, much neater than either of theirs, facing away from them. His glasses, and some extra paperwork he just couldn’t leave at work, lay dormant on his nightstand.

Break tiptoed up to his friend, gently pulled back the collar of his shirt, and stuffed a snowball down the back of his shirt.

It was a moment before it took effect, but when it did, Reim skyrocketed out of bed, dancing around, until the snow fell onto the floor.

Break could barely contain his laughter.

He rested his hands on his knees panting. When he regained his bearings enough to figure out what had just happened, and saw Break laughing, he shouted,

“XERXES, YOU BASTARD!!”

Reim lunged at Break, at which the older man only needed to step out of the way, to make Reim trip onto the floor.

“Yes, a tired Reim-san, without his glasses, is definitely a match for me,” he remarked, leaning over him,

“A normal Reim-san isn’t exactly a match either!” Emily squeaked.

“Now, now Emily,” Break chided his doll playfully, “we mustn’t rub this sort of thing in people’s faces.”

“I’m gonna kill you,” Reim’s voice was muffled by the floor

Break laughed, “Is that so?”

“All in good fun!” Emily chirped.

“It’s not fun for me!” he retorted, sitting up, “How can your idea of fun be tormenting your best friend!” Reim got up off the floor and sat on his bed.

“Come now, Reim-san, ‘torment’ is a little harsh, don’t you think?”

“I meant what I said! I mean, who in their right mind thinks a good way to wake their friend up is to stuff freezing-cold snow—”

He interrupted himself, looking at each of them with question in his eyes. He repeated the word, “Snow…?”

Sharon and Break grinned at each other.

Break helped his friend up, saying, “And whoever said I was in my right mind? Didn’t you know? All the best people are mad.”

Reim rolled his eyes.

Sharon and Break stepped up to the window to unveil the answer to his question. Reim followed to inspect the view outside.

Then he looked at each of them, shaking his head and smiling. “Really, you two, after all these years…”

He trailed off, going over to his wardrobe to put on the winter clothes he kept there.

They barely had time to blow out the candles before Sharon grabbed both their hands and dragged them out into the moonlit hall.

They were like little kids trying to get a peek at Santa; bumbling down the hall, almost falling over each other, shushing each other, as they made their way through the manor, down the stairs, out the front door, into the cold grounds.

Even with their winter clothing, the cold still crept in. The snow muffled ordinary sounds, falling seamlessly, sparks of scattered moonlight gleaming off the flakes.

“So, we’ll—” Reim was interrupted by Break throwing a snowball at the back of his head.

“Oy! I was talking!” he whirled around.

“What’s there to talk about, Reim-san?” Break tossed another snowball up and down in his hand.

“I was simply—”

This time it was Sharon who threw the snowball at his face.

“Nice shot, Ojousama,” Break mentioned.

“Thank you,” she grinned, “You’re next, Xerx-niisan.”

“Alright, you two are going down,” Reim challenged.

“That’s more like,” Break smirked.

It didn’t make sense that three adults could have so much fun doing something so childish as playing in the snow. But between exploding snow and shouting, their laughter was what radiated like light from the scene. Maybe they forgot they weren’t children, they forgot that they had grown up things to do, responsibilities to attend to, and that the world was really comprised of blood and pain, and worthless names, not innocence and friendship.

The mad tea party, forever trapped in a moment, forgotten by time.

It was a while later when another voice broke through:

“Hey, what are you guys doing?”

They paused, turning to see Oz at one of the balconies.

“Our humblest apologies, Oz-sama!” Reim shouted back, bowing low, “We didn’t intend to be so loud!”

“No worries!” he yawned, “Are you…having a snowball fight?”

“That’s right, Oz-kun,” Break answered, “Would you like to join us?”

“Really?! You’ll let me?!”

“Sure,” he tossed a snowball up and down in his hand again, “but we certainly won’t be going easy on you!”

Oz beamed. “Hang on a sec! Lemme grab Gil and Alice!”

Not long afterwards, they heard the all-too-familiar sounds of Gilbert and Alice shouting, and they their annoyed faces appeared on the balcony.

“Why are you three having a snowball fight at 6:00 in the morning!” Gilbert yelled down to them.

“Oh? You scared you didn’t make the cut?” Break taunted . “Clown! Is this your doing?!” Alice demanded, “I’ll come down there and make you pay for waking me up!”

As Break spoke to them, Reim saw it as an opportunity to get his own revenge, and snuck up behind him. Break, of course, still heard him coming and, once again, tripped him, as he got close.

Break walked around him in a circle, grinning shaking his head, “You’re going to have to try harder than that to beat me.”

Reim gave an expression akin to Gilbert’s evil eye.

Break kicked some snow onto his head as he walked by, just to rub it his face (quite literally).

Oz, Gilbert, and Alice tumbled down the front steps, already laughing and yelling at each other before they even joined the fight.

“Well look who it is,” Break taunted, leaning over them, then Emily continued,

“The dumb bunny, the spoiled brat, and—” he didn’t get to finish, because the two lunged at him.

There weren’t really any teams, or way of keeping score—it was everyone against everyone else, though each of them had their own approach: Gilbert had a more meticulous method; creating a stash of snowballs, and walls to hide behind, (often getting hit in the building process). Oz was would sneak up on people, and took particular pleasure in knocking down, or stealing, Gil’s hard work, while Alice ran around pelting everyone in sight, holding a particular grudge against anyone who landed a hit on her (who were mostly Break and Oz).

Near the end of their fight, as Break snuck up on Sharon, just about to land a hit on her, he found himself falling, and was then somehow on the other side of the yard,

He paused to regain his bearings, and stood back up to his full height, quickly discerning what had happened.

“Is that really fair, Ojousama?” he called across the yard, knowing she had used her Chain.

She chuckled like it was a trivial offense, “Since when have you cared what’s fair Xerx-niisan?”

Well, she got me there.

It was at this moment he felt a rush of cold! against his neck, and tensed, resisting the urge to spill some choice words. He spun around to see that Reim had been waiting behind a nearby tree and, as he addressed his mistress, Reim had managed to get the perfect revenge.

Break pulled back his shirt to make sure the snow fell, scowling at his friend.

“Say it,” Reim folded his arms over his chest.

“What? That you got me?”

Reim’s expression was unmoving.

“I’ll say nothing of the sort, Reim-san,” he flicked his glasses, “After all, you merely copied me. You should be more creative next time.”

Reim’s fingers curled into fists, practically growling at him.

“I didn’t know we could use Chains!” Oz called, running up to them, having noticed Sharon’s expert use of Eques, (but not the following exchange between Break and Reim.)

“Seaweed-head! Release my limiter!” Alice shouted when she heard, “I want to smash the clowny bastard to smithereens!”

“Is that so?” Break called, “You really want to go down that path, Alice-kun?” Break smirked evilly, “My Mad Hatter would destroy you before Gilbert-kun even had the chance.”

“You wanna go, clown!” Alice hollered, and Gilbert had to hold her back to keep her from rushing at him with teeth and claws.

Reim looked worried, and Oz—wearing a similar expression—spoke in hushed tones, “No, Alice! You don’t want to go up against his Mad Hatter!”

“Try me, Manservant!”

“Break! No one wants to see you killing yourself over some stupid fight with some little girl!” Gilbert scolded.

“Oy! Who you callin’ ‘some little girl’?!” Alice snapped at Gilbert.

That seemed to return Reim to his senses,

“That’s right!” Reim scolded, “What did I tell you about being reckless with your powers?!”

“Always so tense, you two,” he walked up to Alice and ruffled her hair, “I’m only teasing.”

Alice broke free, and the fight resumed, though the others were glad to see neither managed to draw blood, and that it quickly returned to the antics of the snowy game.

And for one brief moment, Break forgot about everything else. About the nightmares, the regrets, and the answers he clung to so desperately as a reason to keep himself from falling further. And for one moment, he could see those flickering lights behind dark eyes, and he was happy he could feel the cold biting his skin, he was happy he could see their faces—rosy-cheeked, all smiles and laughs, even if they were yelling at him—for one precious flicker of a moment, he was happy to be alive.

That moment would end. The shadows would crawl back from the corners of his mind, the smiles would become fake again, the world would become a wax museum of happiness. Reasons that were just that, empty reasons; desire had left them behind in an alleyway long ago, for better, darker wishes. The pain would come back, and once again he’d convince himself, I don’t care, I don’t care, I don’t care about them. About what happens to me. The snow white chaos would return to tears too fast. But in this moment, it was okay. He was okay.

Sharon and Reim ran at him, but instead of getting out of the way, this time he let them bowl him over, the three of them collapsing in the snow.

Shock flitted across their faces, which broke for smiles.

He wanted to say he was sorry. He wanted to tell them over and over I love you both so very much. But he wasn’t the only one who knew that those words falling from Xerxes Break’s lips was all too close to admitting defeat. Because if he admitted he cared, then he wouldn’t be able to let them go when the end came. And he knew it would come all too soon. His lips wouldn’t dare betray him with such miserable words.

So they settled for a smile.

His real smile. Not the smirks and grins he gave away at a moment’s notice. The smile that was barely perceptible, but which, for them, captured within its folds more sunlight than anything else in their world.

Sharon and Reim glanced at each other, then smiled back at him, deciding not to sully the moment with words.

And, as soon as it came, the true smile was replaced with a smirk.

“You two really are gullible,” he put snow in their hair.

They jumped up, shouting his name, trying to rub it out, then quickly ran after him.

He couldn’t tell them the truth. He couldn’t tell them that he was thinking how this might be his last Christmas. He couldn’t tell them how he was wondering if they would still put his stocking on the mantelpiece when he was gone.

He didn’t get a chance to anyways, because it wasn’t long afterwards when beads of citrus and crimson light began tracing the navy sky.

They paused, panting, raising their eyes to look into the sunrise.

For a moment they stared silently at the art the morning made of daybreak, gentle smiles tracing their lips at the beauty.

Then Oz broke in, exclaiming,

“Merry Christmas, everyone!”

“Merry Christmas!” they answered, a little tiredly.

“What do you guys think?” Reim asked, “Ready to go inside?”

“Aww, but we were having so much fun!” Oz protested, trying to mask the fatigue in his voice.

“Easy for you to say, we’re exhausted!”

“To be fair, we were out here much longer than them,” Break panted, realizing just how tired he was. “Perhaps I have gotten old after all. If you youngin’s want to go on—” he flapped a shirt sleeve their direction.

“There he goes again calling himself old!”

Sharon broke in, “Don’t you want to open presents?”

“Presents?!” Oz repeated, like a dog who had seen a squirrel, glancing at Gilbert and Alice, his grin widening.

They began to make their way inside, still laughing and talking about the plays they each had made, and how they would eventually get each other back. As they walked back, instead of joining the conversation, Sharon gently tugged on the corner of Break’s coat, holding him back.

He turned to see that instead of the tired, but joy-full smile that had traced her face moments earlier, she was hanging her head low.

“Ojousama?” he asked worriedly, crouching down beside her, seeing tears begin to grace her cheeks.

The others noticed, and stopped too.

“Xerxes! What did you do?!” Reim demanded.

“Yeah, Break! How dare you make a girl cry on Christmas?!” Oz questioned, running up to her.

He rolled his eyes at them.

“I’m fine, everyone,” Sharon reassured them, giving a somewhat plastered smile, “I’ll just be a moment.”

They all glanced at each other, knowing something was clearly wrong.

“Are you sure?” Gilbert asked.

“Yeah, Sharon-chan, if you need something—”

“Yes. Please, go inside. Break and I will catch up with you.”

They glanced at each other.

“Alright, Sharon-chan. Just let us know if you need anything, okay?” Oz put a hand on her shoulder.

“Thank you, Oz-sama,” she smiled.

The others gave similar smiles back to her, then they gave Break a collective you-better-not-make-this-worse look before walking up the stairs into the manor.

“Sharon?” he asked softly.

No matter how many years went by, he still couldn’t handle the sight of a child in tears.

“Xerx-niisan,” he could tell she was fighting back against the tears, “What if… What if this is your last Christmas?”

He gasped; he didn’t expect her to be thinking about the same thing.

“What if…” she continued, breath taut, “What if we never get to have another snowball fight? What if…?”

“Well,” he rubbed his neck, looking away, “you and Reim can still—”

“Don’t act like everything will be the same when you’re gone!” she threw snow into his face.

He fell back onto his elbows, gently brushing it out of his hair. After a moment a laugh bubbled in his throat, and he put his hand on his face.

“What’s so funny?!” she demanded, scowling.

Obviously that was the wrong thing to do.

If only she had chosen someone else to comfort her; someone like Oz, who could read the situation, and chose his words carefully. Or Gilbert, who was sensitive enough to understand. Even Reim would be better, despite his rather unemotional, straightforward nature. But she had chosen him.

“It’s funny…to tell you the truth,” his voice became more serious, “It’s just…I was thinking about the same thing.”

Shock added to the concoction of hurt and yearning in her eyes.

“Y-You were?”

He looked at the ground and nodded ever so slightly.

“How dare you laugh at that?” she balled a fist in the snow, but the strength seemed to leave her.

She shook her head, tears fluttering back to her eyes, “You can’t…Xerx-niisan, you can’t! I…I don’t want to be alone!” she put her arms around him and fell onto him.

His eye was wide, his breath harsh and cold as he looked at the girl in his arms, forgetting for a less than a moment that she was not that little girl in a darkened room, surrounded by coffins.

He shook his head of the memory.

“You won’t be alone, you’ll have Reim, and Sheryl-sama, and—”

She lifted her head to scowl at him, as if to say must-I-repeat-what-I-said and he cleared his throat, changing his method of attack.

“Well, I won’t go down easy, that’s for sure. But, despite how it might seem,” he gently ran his finger along her cheek, giving that sad but true smile, and whispered, “I am not that strong.”

“You think you can talking about you dying all the time and I’ll just—?!” she tried to fight back, to be angry, but her words fell like the snow, and she murmured again, she let her head fall back onto his shoulder, and whispered back, “Xerx-niisan…”

He gently wrapped his own arms around her.

“I want to be there for you…” she murmured, “I don’t want you to do something stupid…You’re always running into fights without a second thought…” she sobbed for a moment before saying, “Maybe we could…maybe we could stop it? I-I could go into the fights with Eques…Oz-sama and Gilbert-sama—”

He pressed a kiss into her hair, and as she lifted her head off his shoulder to look at him with the wide and teary eyes of her younger self. The look in his eyes was enough to say I’m sorry, Sharon.

“It’s just like I told you, Ojousama,” he ran his fingers through her hair, and murmured into her ear, “No matter how much I may want it to, I can’t stop it from raining.”

She lifted her head off his shoulder to look at him.

“No matter how much we might want it to, we can make the snow fall. Our wishes can’t change things. Even if…” his words were blown by the wind into the stars.

She shook her head gently, murmuring that name.

“Just promise me you won’t make any illegal contracts to bring me back,” he laughed a little, which turned into a grimace, and she knew just how serious he was being.

She smiled for the first time since the conversation started. “I promise.”

For a moment they sat there, together, in a sort of limbo, watching as the sunrise turned into a light blue sky—a present sorrow caught between the earlier joy, wondering which emotion of the two would soon come. Moments were so finicky.

“I can’t promise I’ll have another Christmas, but we still have today. Let’s not waste it with talking about depressing things.”

She nodded, smiling.

He gently reached down and picked her up.

“Xerx-niisan!” she protested at first.

He touched her nose with his finger.

After a moment, as he took her inside, she rested her head against him sleepily, murmuring, “Xerx-niisan, I don’t want…I don’t want you to pretend you’re okay for my sake.”

His eye widened and he jerked his head to look at her.

“Don’t give me that look,” she responded, “I know you do it. You think I can’t handle it.”

He took a deep breath, “I’m fine, Ojousama,” he murmured, and smiled, “It’s Christmas, after all.”

She shook her head, “No you’re not!”

Once again he kissed her head gave her his real smile, “No, really, Sharon. I am. At least for today.”

The smile she returned was real too.

And that was worth far more to them than either of them needed to say aloud.

[shattered-catalyst]

Three times.

I wanted to try something a little different here. I wanted to try writing first person perspective!! Wow I havent done this in YEARS.

Summary: Taking place between the meeting Rictor thread and the camping thread. Addressing some development that took place behind the scenes as it were. Rictor AU so not same Rictor but a Rictor because the ideas were cute. Like come on gimmie some happy Rictor any day I will fight for happy Rictor.

Excerpt:

I tried to tell him they were not actually apples. Apples come whole and not in bags with water in them and demonic boxes with eyes. I explain it must be a contraption of Lord Mojo’s doing. Rictor’s face turns sour. I may have ruined the food for him.

I was most certainly not prepared for this at all. My telling Rictor about the diner was my way of showing I was somewhat receptive to him entering my world. But now here he was, walking towards my usual booth in that ridiculous brown jacket. His motorbike (which i want) is parked outside, glinting in the sun. Doing a small greeting he sits down a crossed from me like this is no big deal. Nothing different from his regular Tuesday.

“Coffee. Thats all thanks.” Rictor orders with the kind of casual attitude I wonder if I could ever replicate. Where ever this man goes he looks completely natural. It is irritating. It is like NOTHING touches him. Like he IS the very earth itself.Always connected. “Crossword?”

I nod, turning it so he can see it right side up. “Yes.”

He seems slightly,off by the shortness of my comment.  Ive heard I need to start elaborating more when I talk. 

“You uh do those a lot?”

“Yes”

“Ah.” Thank goodness Stacey is back with the coffee, she and Rictor make small talk about the weather before she rushes off to chat with a regular. We sit in silence, Rictor stirring his coffee. Looking much too curious about the types of sugar on the table. I glance up only once to see if he is still there; he is.

“Rosewell crash victim,supposedly. Five letters.” Im chewing my pencil again and I do not care.

He looks confused for a few seconds, before looking down at the crossword. “Alien.”

“Spell it.”

“A-l-i-e-n.” He takes a sip of coffee. Silence passes and I nod to him. It fits.

I take a sip from mine, holding the pencil to paper. “Done by itself. Machine. Starts with M-E-C.”

“Mechanical. M-e-c-h-a-n-i-c-a-l.”

“When you receive money: four letters ends with D.”

“My favorite. “He takes a sip and then gives me a funny look when I express my confusion that that wouldn’t fit the spaces provided. “Try paid. P-a-i-d.”

 We spend a good hour like that. I am surprise he stayed, once the puzzle is finished I fold it. Placing it in my pocket to copy the words down later. 

I stand, he looks at me but I do not make eye contact. Do not want him to see my eyes as I leave. “8 am.”

“What?” Hes halfway after me out the door, holding it open. 

“I come at 8 am. Everyday.”

As I turn to leave I see him smile.

“Rictor, I have eaten two of these happy meals and I do not feel any happier. I believe you have been mislead.” I am concerned now. He is trying very hard for something I am uncertain of. This is the second time I have seen him. His brown wavy hair still new to me. Still fluffy and soft enough that I make sure to have some odd excuse to touch it. I hope he doesnt mind.

Now we are sitting in a fast food place, complete with garish colors and screaming children. It is very, new. He was uncertain.

“Yeah, well the drive thru is packed.” Taking a sip of soda he pokes at the bag of what should be apple slices, but I somehow doubt they are. “Eat.”

I tried to tell him they were not actually apples. Apples come whole and not in bags with water in them and demonic boxes with eyes. I explain it must be a contraption of Lord Mojo’s doing. Rictor’s face turns sour. I may have ruined the food for him.

We come to a bargain he will eat half the not-actually-apples if I eat the other half.

Rictor has taken me to a movie, said it would be good for learning. I insist we sit in the very back so we cannot be ambushed. He seems to find this amusing. The theater was fascinating and the action sequences done quite well, for earthlings. I enjoyed how immersive the experience was and barely touched my popped corn. Rictor did not seem to mind as he ate my cup as well as his own. He seemed quite pleased.

“I only feel the death of the main warrior was a waste of his potential.”

He glances at me as we leave, stopping before we get out of the theater’s gloomy corridor. “You know, they didn’t actually die right? In the movie they died but in real life that dudes still around.”

The explanation baffles me slightly. “Of course, this has been explained to me already. Although the concept is new, I sort of enjoy it. Seeing the same person try on different roles is quite applicable.” At least to his current situation it was. Before he would think it was cowardly to not know your role. Now he questioned everything.

“Just checking.” Rictor seems relieved and puts his sun glasses on, pushing open the heavy doors. Light consumes us. For a moment my breath catches, pupils contracting sharply. I am no longer with Rictor in New York. I am not where I should be. Instantly my chest is heaving and I am stepping backwards. Earth shaking beneath my feet.

 Somehow I end up a few feet from the door, catching my breath in an alcove with fountains for water. I realize after a few heartbeats Rictor has been calling me. But his voice is so far away, I barely hear him over the roar of the crowd. I am not certain what is happening, but I am more than certain that the arena is on the other side of those doors. The long narrow hallway had been unsettling before but now it was sinister and familiar.

The earth is speaking to me in whispers, pointing me where to go. But before I can follow he is there. Rictor reaches to touch me and I feel myself freeze. But he does not strike me, he leans against the wall beside me, his eyes look hurt. I have hurt him.

I dont know how long we stood there, but the earth was still again and I allowed myself to step out to stand by his side. Swallowing a hard lump in my throat I gently joustle his shoulder with my own. Leaving it there to show I was alright with contact now. He seems relieved, but I still feel ashamed of hurting his feelings. It clouds my uemeur.

His gaze goes from me and back to the door. “C’mon.” Wrapping an arm around my shoulder he begins walking us to the door. I resist, stopping him just short of the exit.

“Rictor, I.” I pause unsure how to explain what I need to. The hand on my shoulder tightens and he squeezes me closer. I feel connected again. Solidly grounded to the Earth.

Sighing he looks at the door and then at a group of people watching us. “What the fuck are you looking at buddy? Yeah thats what I thought mind your own damn business!” He turns back to me nose still wrinkled “listen, I dont know whats going on between you and this door.” Unspoken words were: tell me whats wrong.

I look away feeling ashamed, but he wants me to try so I do my best. I will always do my best for him. “The light. It is like entering the arena.” His lips tighten a bit, I am unsure if I hurt him again. But I hope I haven’t.

He holds me a bit closer and pumps his fist. “Then we will enter the arena together. I bet we can knock down some walls. Squish Mojo flat. What do you say?” He sounds so genuine, so positive, so....Odd. I am fairly certain he is forcing peppy bravado. It is, slightly endearing.

Raising a brow at him I frown. “Rictor what is wrong with you.”

“Hahah what ISNT wrong with me.” He rubs my shoulder, other hand firmly on the push bar. “Just close your eyes, and Ill tell you when you can open them.”

I feel that it may be needed to explain to Rictor that I am not an idiot. Although the mere fact I have to do so is irritating. He is standing in front of the diner with me, leaning against his truck. Some beat up thing, I suppose it is in good enough shape that it is reliable. The back is over flowing with things pinned down by a tarp. It makes me uneasy. But Rictor’s neutral smile and relaxed appearance settled the suspicion. 

Abruptly he opens the driver door and clicks a button. “Right, look in my car, this bag broke.” He holds up a bag of starbursts. Economy sized. Tropical fruit variety. I feel my eyes grow wider. 

“I think some went under the seats, y’know? My hands are too big to get under there.”

“Very well.” I get in and began collecting them for him, obviously he did not want them melting in his car. It was very warm out and I noticed that they melted into sticky pools at a certain temperature. 

Rictor gets in, starts the car and stares at me a moment. Fingers tapping the wheel hes looking a bit, thoughtful. Maybe even pensive. Thats a word right? “Make sure you get them all.” He shuts the door and the car pulls out.

 I am totally aware he is distracting me. But there are many candies here and they are going to ruin his carpet. Then he would be disappointed. Why I care I have no idea. But I do. Somehow. I think I will try and accept this feeling and work with it.

“Keep looking.” His voice is lighter, I glance up and see he is staring at the road in front of us. The smile isn’t on his face, but its in his voice I can hear it. I wish I could see his eyes to know for sure....

[hiraethstill]

Hey hey hey!! Could I get KuroKen with Kuro helping Kenma through a panic attack or a depressive episode??

Unknown Number

Kenma could feel himself shaking long before he managed to find an empty stall. But the real panic only started to set in in full force as he slumped against the wall, sliding into a sitting position and wrapping his arms around his knees– shuddering, shallow breaths and the blurred lines of the stall door, the wall, the toilet next to him, the crush of anxiety on his chest forcing the air out of his lungs, disconnecting him from his surroundings. It seemed as though he was looking at everything through the wrong end of a smudged telescope, but even more sickening was the cold familiarity of the feeling.

It took him at least half an hour of using any method he could think of to calm down before he trusted himself to uncurl his body and sit upright. Blinking, he rubbed at his eyes weakly, willing them to focus on something, anything. They eventually landed on the inevitable graffiti covering the wall, trailing along the crude “Fuck this shit,” which he silently agreed with, a drawing of a penis, which he did not appreciate, and a few Your Mom jokes, which he didn’t bother to read fully. It was only when his eyes skimmed a small message near the bottom that he paused.

Aside from the elaborately drawn chemistry diagram, there were five words.

Ever just need a friend?

Right under the message was a number.

He stared at it for a long time, like if he touched it, it wouldn’t be real. Finally, his hands moved on their own, taking out his phone. The rational part of him told him that it was a complete stranger, might even be a practical joke. The rest of him was too done with being alone and terrified that it worked on its own, taking a blind leap of faith.

His fingers stopped over the call button, however. It would be much harder to call the person and hear their voice while having to respond with his own weak one. A text would be much easier, safer.

Exhaling slowly, he exited out of the current screen and opened the texting app instead. His fingers already seemed to have memorized the number, typing with quick efficiency until he pulled up a chat box for the unknown addressee. Before he could second-guess himself any further, he let himself go, typing out exactly what he was feeling, all the words he wanted to throw in his teachers’ and classmates’ faces but could never bring himself to voice aloud.

Kenma: yes, i need a friend. because im so damn tired of myself and my inadequacies but no one will listen farther than a few times including my parents and do you know how hard it is just to get out from under the blankets in the morning and know that no one will truly want to see you or ask how youre doing and youre too anxious and withdrawn to ‘just go out and talk to people’ which you absolutely hate but cant do anything about except retreat into your shell and socially regress every single day when all you want is for someone to just. listen.

He took a deep breath, realizing he’d been holding it the whole time, and let it out, sagging back against the wall and letting his head tilt back toward the ceiling. There was a strange sense of calm creeping in at the edges of his mind and chest, almost a sort of relief. The truth was out there now, at least with one person, and even if whomever it was blocked him or never replied, he felt lighter.

What he didn’t expect was the chime of his phone about a minute later.

Blinking, he tilted his head back down to the screen. A new message had popped up from the unknown number. And another.

Unknown Number: I’d be more than happy to listen

Unknown Number: Maybe we’re strangers, but you can talk to me, tell me how you’re doing, about your day - I’ll keep listening, or uh, reading, oops

Despite himself, Kenma found the corner of his mouth lifting in the ghost of a smile. Every part of him that felt dragged through the mud felt as if it were reaching out, trying to grasp onto something. It was strange how he was gravitating toward a chance at hope when everything was so hopeless. There was only one thing to say.

Kenma: thank you

**********

Kuroo knew to turn off his phone during class, or at least silence it so the teacher wouldn’t know. Recently, it had been more of the latter since his mom had been in the hospital and had no qualms about texting him at all times of the day.

So when he looked down at the silent notification, his eyes didn’t register that it had come from a different number at first. It was only when he saw the long paragraph that he paused. Instinct told him to look up at the teacher to make sure she wasn’t paying attention to him, and he subtly tilted his head down so he could scan the screen.

Something in his chest clenched, and he checked the sender’s information. Unknown. But this unknown had reached out to him. The person had no other option, and that tugged at him inexplicably.

He wanted to help.

Quickly, he typed out a reply one-handed, pretending with the other that he was taking notes, and sent another just in case. Then he went back to the chat box for his mother just in case the teacher decided to question him, heart picking up.

When he checked again, there was a short answer. Just two words.

Unknown Number: thank you

Kuroo smiled to himself. He’d made a difference, no matter how slight, and he knew that could mean the world.

Kuroo: No problem

Kuroo: Are you in class right now?

Immediately after he’d send it, he pursed his lips in distaste. He had no way of knowing how old the person was, much less if they attended school or not. He probably sounded like a fool.

Unknown Number: no

Unknown Number: dont worry about it, ill go to class or home soon

Kuroo: Ah, okay

Kuroo: Just wondering where you got my number

Unknown Number: werent you the one that wrote it on the bathroom wall

Oh. Oh. So it was a kid that went to this school. Kuroo had almost forgotten writing it out on the wall, but some vague memory resurfaced from the previous year involving a 2000 yen bet, a squirrel, and a certain bully’s underwear.

Kuroo: Right, I did, sorry

Kuroo: Glad it was put to good use

It took a while for the next response, enough to let Kuroo fill at least a third of the page with actual notes.

Unknown Number: i still can’t believe it

Kuroo: Believe what?

Unknown Number: that youre still here talking to me

Kuroo: You’re kind of stuck with me now (-u0)

Unknown Number: …youre a dork

Kuroo had to smile at that. It really wasn’t far off the mark, and he was pleasantly surprised at how perceptive this person seemed to be. Intrigued, even.

Kuroo: Can’t argue with that~

**********

The daily conversations became less about anxiety the longer they went on, and more about daily life. Even the silences were companionable, not oppressive like before, as Kenma slowly learned that the other person didn’t expect anything of him, didn’t silently demand what others did. He stuck to his phone longer, but now it wasn’t completely because he was withdrawing from others. Now he had something to look forward to - someone to look forward to - and it was a comfort in so many ways.

Unknown, which was what he’d dubbed the person, was smart, he knew that, and cared a lot about his mother. He was also confident, which Kenma envied slightly, being uncomfortable in his own skin. Or maybe Unknown had just stopped caring what others thought.

Either way, he found himself checking his phone constantly, and while he still had panic attacks, still couldn’t bring himself to talk to people, still let the negative thoughts creep in often, he had this Unknown, finally had a constant.

It was a few months before he checked his phone one morning to more of a decision than a message.

Unknown: Hey, I was wondering since we’re in the same school and all, would you like to meet? Totally fine if not, I don’t want to pressure you into anything

It took him a few minutes to completely register that message. Texting was one thing, but face-to-face interaction? He still got anxious whenever he even passed people in the hallway. How could he willingly…

He stopped, took a deep breath. What was he really scared of? Unknown had done so much for him, and here he was, scared of something so simple. In fact, if they could meet in person, it might be even better, for the both of them. They could actually spend time together in person, do all the normal things that friends did. Unconsciously, his fingers were already replying, typing out a quick affirmative and asking when and where. It didn’t take long to receive a reply and sort out the details.

Saturday. Only a few days away.

**********

It was only as he was pulling on an acceptable shirt on Saturday morning that Kuroo realized he had no idea what to look for. They hadn’t talked at all about how they looked, so he could completely pass by the other and not even know. Hurriedly, he sent a text.

Kuroo: What should I look for?

Unknown: ill sit at the table closest to the door with my psp

Kuroo: Okay, see you soon

Gathering his wallet and keys, he stood and made his way out the door and toward the train station. A short ride and a quick walk found him standing in front of the cafe. He didn’t hesitate as he pushed his way inside, immediately looking around.

There, with a PSP clutched in his hands and knees curled up to his chest, was a boy who couldn’t be much younger than himself, sitting at the closest table as he’d said he would. The hair spoke of laziness or just apathy, brown roots showing through the dyed blonde. Luminous amber eyes flicked up toward him, and seemed about to flick right back to his game, but Kuroo held them there as he stepped up to the table.

“Are you…?” he started, then stopped. The eyes seemed to grow even wider, blinking rapidly. “Are you okay?” he finished, coming to sit across from him.

The other nodded slowly and ducked his head, seeming to be trying to swallow. When he finally spoke, his voice was soft, uninflected.

“You’re… taller than I thought.”

Kuroo was slightly taken aback, but broke into a grin and took the seat across from him. “And you’re smaller than I thought, but hey, both are okay.”

The blonde paused his game and set it carefully on the table, looking up. “Your name…?”

“Kuroo Tetsurou.” He reached out with a hand slightly, but stopped himself. No contact, right. Instead, he settled for a smile.

The other’s voice seemed be softer and stronger all at once. “Kozume Kenma.” Kuroo was surprised when he reached across the table himself and touched his palm to the taller male’s in a sort of half-handshake.

“I’m…” Kenma hesitated. “Well, thank you for coming.”

“I’m the one that invited you,” Kuroo pointed out.

“Yeah, but…” Kenma shrugged, and Kuroo understood, he really did.

“Hey,” he said, softer. “It’s alright. I know.”

The immensely grateful look in Kenma’s eyes made it all worth it.

Just goes to show, sometimes I get extremely carried away. This was almost 2K on google docs, and first written on what was supposed to be scratch paper after state testing. Oops.

[buffalowingsfortwo]

from faith 

9 september 2019

ash, 

 oddly enough, the majority of what i did today was just a continuation of yesterday. i left off yesterday’s post with me walking around campus with some friends. i wish i went more into detail yesterday to give you the full picture. i think i was more focused on including everything that i didn’t take time to describe it all but ill work on that. 

when i left off, we were walking. but while walking, we decided to go into one of the abandoned buildings. we got really far inside of it until there was a sign that said get out and a bat flew across the room. me, kevin and maryanne ran out and left robbie, christian and tony who decided to keep going past the ‘get out’ sign. they ran pout after us and we got lost on the huge maze of a way out and by the time we actually got out, we were all laughing. i thought the night might end there, since it was past midnight. but we didn’t. in fact, we all went back to my floor’s family room and hung out. i brought a bunch of food, but i had to keep going back to get more things so i guess my roommate woke up to see what i was doing and would watch me. 

we spent a couple hours in my family room. we ate peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, popcorn, spicy chicken patties and blueberry waffles. we just talked but it made the inside of my chest swell and fill with tiny, happy fluttering. 

for the benefit of this story, im going to elaborate a little more on everyone involved in this night. ill elaborate on other friends as they come up in my days. there’s maryanne, who im the closest with. we spend every day together, we are trying to find a way to dorm switch so we can live together and we talk about everything. there’s robbie, who you would absolutely love. he has long hair, longer than mine, he has this awesome black denim jacket that has huge patches and designed material on in, he wears the cheetah print shoes and he thinks if you aren’t fighting for something in life, its a waste. theres kevin, he’s funny and he’s tall and he somehow knows literally every single person we pass. i honestly don’t know if you would particularly like him, because he’s the type of person you usually tell me you feel nervous around. there’s christian, who reminds me of my brother christian in a way. he’s quite, much quieter than my brother but still quiet, he occasionally says simple things that make us all laugh even though im sure that wasn’t his intention. he puts gel in his hair, just like my christian and he likes cars like him, too. i think you would find him endearing, we all do. 

we all kept telling christian to go to sleep, because he looked like he was going to pass out any second. instead, he looked at us and said, “beach?”. so we went to the beach. but first, we stopped at my room because i had these v8 energy drinks and he definitely needed one. they all laughed because v8 is literally that healthy fruit and veggie brand, but i explained how me and kristen use to drink red bulls all the time until my mom came home with v8 energy drinks one day and said we had to switch. we laughed because we thought, ‘there’s no way these fruit and veggie energy drinks are going to work”. but they did. in fact, they work better than any energy drink we have ever had and kristen especially, a veteran in all things energy drink, refuses to drink any other brand now. so i grabbed my pack, only having drank one before so there was still 5 left, and handed one to christian. he drank the entire pack throughout the night, even though he was hesitant that they would actually work. the entire night, when he would speed up on the streets or do something funny, we would all yell out, “he’s off the v8’s!!”. we are still doing that. 

the beach was fun, and we climbed up a lifeguard strand and sat with our legs hanging off the edge and watched the ocean. at one point we saw a campfire down the beach and walked up to ask the people if we could join but no one was there. we ended up coming back at like 3:30 am and dropped christian off at his room then came back down. there’s this haunted well up a hill by my school and when you climb to the top, you can overlook the entire school and city. so we went there, then climbed up to the helicopter pad area where there was a bench and we all sat and played music and talked. 

we are absolutely insane, so around 5 am, we went up to the 4th floor where we watched a movie in the family room and the 4 of us, in and out of sleep, ended up intertwined on one single couch. at around 6:45 am, i said good night and went back to my dorm where i slept and missed my first class. my second class, by the grace of god, was canceled. my third class wasn’t though, so i went to it and me and antonio worked on our upcoming project together. 

when the class ended, me, christian, kevin and maryanne went to dinner at 5. robbie came later, where we all sat in level 2’s family room and did homework together. when we were done, we left to target to get cookie dough and christian got more v8’s and we all made cookies together at like 12:30 am. christian, again, drank the entire pack in like an hour. we burned one batch a little, but it was fine because they still tasted good. at around 1 am, we made a joke how christian was off the v8’s and probably want to go to the beach. he nodded and asked when we were leaving. we all looked at each other and said once the cookies were done. but this time, two extra people were going. jordan and a girl named kaitlyn, a different kaitlyn from before though. (there’s literally like 20 kaitlyns). jordans funny, and he’s tall and our first conversation was of us making a bet. i think you would like him. 

every time i meet people. i always ask myself if you would like them. sometimes i know right away, sometimes it takes more getting to know them. when we met, it was instantaneous the way i knew. when you ran out the room back in 7th grade, i laughed and just knew. i haven’t really missed my house or been homesick. but i miss certain things, like you, and sitting on my sister’s floor as she tells me about her day. i think about you every day, even the one’s where we don’t talk. these posts let me still feel connected to you, but without them i think i might have gone crazy already. im still going crazy, just at a slower rate. 

[theliterateape]

Noble X — Episode 21: Bundles of Love

By Mike Vinopal

PASSING THE LONG HOURS OF THE NIGHT, John whispers his rants and raves into his smartphone, transcribing cryptic madness dumped into more group text messages, Facebook interactions, and email chains. He had hoped to sleep tonight. He knows things have gotten way out of his control and that he is struggling to reel it back in. John decides he will surrender to Thomas in the morning and ask him to take him to his parents. "After taking Paul to the dentist to have his tooth tended to,” he thinks to himself as he adjusts the blanket and pillow he has used to make his friend more comfortable.

The sun is rising and John finally let’s himself relax. Paul had made it through the night, his sleep postponing his pain for the time-being. John welcomes the birds singing in the first rays of morning light. He takes three of Paul’s cigarette and then for no reason at all, grabs a pair of white jogging pants with a red, gold, and green stripe down the side off the floor. Dropping his jeans, swapping for the jogging pants that are two sizes too small, John looks ridiculous. He scribbles a note to Paul that reads, “Hey, we’re going to go to the dentist at 9 AM. I’ll be back. I swapped you pants,” and tiptoes out.  

Heading down the back stairs, he stops and sits in the stillness of the early-morning, smoking one of the cigarettes without even a touch of drowsiness. With a great exhale John tries to release the tension in his body. He feels like he’s been clenching every one of his back muscles for the entirety of the long night. 

Rolling out the cherry of the cigarette and adding the butt to the random collection in his coat pocket, he shambles home. 

Across town at the same time, Thomas snaps awake with a shitty feeling in the pit of his stomach beyond worry. Very true fear that something terrible has happened to his brother has woken Thomas with a start. He quickly throws clothes on, grabbing his coat and keys on the way out to head back over to John’s apartment. He knows there’s no other way to make this feeling go away. 

✶

JOHN RETURNS HOME TO FIND HIS DOOR UNLOCKED and the remnants of an incredibly memorable party. The remaining shred of his rational brain chattered in the background as he was flooded with the wild, wonderful memories of the night, “What is the landlord gonna say? She might kick me out.”

Feeling inspired to tidy up, John begins to construct bundles of love, filling random containers of all sorts, cups, buckets, boxes, with collections of blatant disorganization, all bundled together with a elaborate crisscross of scotch tape. An invisible plus. A handful of puzzle pieces, crayons, bottle caps, assorted items picked up at random as he buzzed around his apartment, bound together, as if to cement his disassociation in a tangible form.

John perceives the bundles as shining brilliance pouring out of him. Enlightenment. Something to share with the world to heal the collective sickness. He is so impressed with his idea that he calls his school, who hasn’t heard from him in days. 

The school secretary, Ms. Carlin, answers. Quickly realizing who is calling, she blurts, “Mr. Noble, are you okay?” Principal Hall has her door open, meeting with a couple of teachers and they all hear Ms. Carlin’s concerned voice, going silent. John triumphantly announces to her, “I’m better than okay, haven’t slept for days, but I’ve created some very special things that are going to change education as we know it. No more Common Core. I’ve created Uncommon Core. I'll be stopping in today with some surprises.” Part of him truly intends to, but the part of him still aware of consequence would win out in the end.

At the end of his statement, he ends the call abruptly and gets back to work on his bundles of love while Ms. Carlin and the others sit in the thick quiet before a school day begins, trying to shake their nasty intuitions that something is not at all right with Mr. Noble. None of them can find their words and the moment passes. Later, finding their words, the rumors would begin as his co-workers struggled for answers.

✶

JOHN STICKS TO THE BUILDING FOR A WHILE, but he no longer can stay on one thing for very long. As he quickly tangents to cleaning the dishes with incredible intensity, he thinks, “I’m a Tangential Man,” picturing a tan gentleman in his mind’s eye, laughing out loud. Fully aware of this behavior and its implications, he’s written “tangential behavior" in the notes for his study with increasing frequency as the days have passed. In the course of his flurry of thoughts, suds, and hot water, John slips and cuts his softened hand, pruney from washing. Quickly he grabs his first aid kit from the cabinet above the stove and dresses the cut. 

Looking at the supplies set out before him, he proceeds to grab a vest from his closet, filling the utility pockets with assorted medical supplies, imagining the pocketed-vest to be a moving storage center, a file cabinet for organization on his person. Standing in tight-fitting white jogging pants, a vest bulging with supplies and a gauze-wrapped finger starting to spot red, he hears his phone start to buzz on the counter. More buzzing. 

Concerned text messages and emails are starting to come in. Responses from John's activity throughout the night. His mom. His dad. His uncle. Now his mom is calling. John ignores the call, immediately feeling guilty. “The jig is up,” he thinks playfully, as the phone starts to ring again. Now his dad is calling. Again he ignores the call. Sensing their fear and worry, he yearns to FaceTime his dad, doing so immediately.

John’s dad has never FaceTimed, so is unsure what is happening when his phone starts to beep loudly at him, ringing in a way he has never heard. He is working from his home office and just got off the phone with his wife, trying to keep her calm though he is beginning to panic himself. He answers the incoming FaceTime call from his phone, blurting, “What the hell is going on, John?!” as the image of his son comes up on his phone. It barely resembles his son. “What are you on?” John doesn’t seem upset by this. He’s elated to see his dad despite the revolting feeling of guilt rising in him as he studies his dad’s reaction to seeing him in his current state. “Dad, where are you at? I wanna come see you like right now,” John says, sounding almost like a child. And like they’re having a regular chat he adds, “Oh Mom’s trying to call again, should I answer?” His dad, exasperated, manages to get out, “Where are you? I’m coming to get you,” and just then, John hears the front door burst open.

Thomas arrives to see the results of John’s “clean-up" efforts, having thrown the apartment into even more disarray. Thomas hears a commotion coming from the back of the apartment and allows himself to feel partially relieved. He’s not too late.

Stay tuned for Episode 22.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Links to previous episodes:

Noble X — Episode 1: Cowardice & Heartbreak

Noble X — Episode 2: New Month's Eve

Noble X — Episode 3: Racing

Noble X — Episode 4: Redlining

Noble X — Episode 5: Tracks

Noble X — Episode 6: Filters Off 

Noble X — Episode 7: Testing 

Noble X — Episode 8: More Trials

Noble X — Episode 9: Mind Games

Noble X — Episode 10: Captains

Noble X — Episode 11: Internet Famous

Noble X — Episode 12: Evidence Mounts

Noble X — Episode 13: Suits & Supplies

Noble X — Episode 14: Reflections

Noble X — Episode 15: Dress Rehearsal

Noble X — Episode 16: Hazards

Noble X — Episode 17: Brothers

Noble X — Episode 18: Opening Ceremonies

Noble X — Episode 19: The Guest of Honor

Noble X — Episode 20: Contemplating Surrender