#ill just like. explain myself tmr

[belovedcherie]

um chat is it over for me

[unripe-lemon]

Since i know no one will see this:

1 note and i will email my therapist

ok so for this one,, like since then i have emailed my therapist?? that counts right????? tbh i dont even know what to talk abt anymore, but i do have a session with her so dw

2 notes and ill put my laundry away

ugh….. stupid. internet.. making me do things that will make my life easier…. gugh yeah i put my laundry away!!!!! everyone clap now

5 notes and ill try to brush my teeth more often

ok so like for this one i found this video https://youtu.be/pvutTiPY7q8?si=PASnBmUXZ0xiHzWM imma sing this song to myself every tike i dont feel like brushing my teeth

6 notes and ill try to put on cream for my dermatitis (anxiety hives!!! yayyy!!!!) more often

just did it hehe :) tho it is getting a little worse and my kitten scratched me on top of it 😭

10 notes and ill attempt to learn my timestables

11 notes and ill study for my exams

my exams are over!!!! so idk what to do for this one? maybe ill go do my homework instead

20 notes and ill try to go one day without using my pc/phone

30 notes and ill vaccum (more bc we just adopted kittens) my room entirely

40 notes and ill try to explain my depression to my mom again

50 notes and ill clean my locker out at school

imma do this tmr!!!

i forgot 😭 someone remind me

80 notes and ill fix the posters that are falling off of my wall and are probably going to rip soon

doing this rn! taking dinner break

100 notes and ill REALLY unpack everything with my therapist

maybe tmr?

we talked about medication and kittens, also exams so like success??

200 notes and ill ask my mom if we can go to my go and get! me! medicated!

ill discuss w therapist tmr

discussed with therapist, we are now getting the conversation started with my mom and are going to see what my gp says after that!! :) ty to everyone in the notes rooting for meds

300 notes and ill re organise my bookshelf

400 notes and ill clean all of the mold off of my wall

damn 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 ion wannaaaaaaaa

this is a weekend activity tbh, and idk if its even going to BE this weekend :P

500 notes and ill clean the mold off of my roof

600 notes and ill try sewing some new clothes

i crocheted a scarf!!! does that count?

700 notes and ill buy some new shoes

800 notes and ill check out dnd club at school (im scared)

900 notes and ill come up with more goals

edit: bro……. 😭

so im gonna take my time w these bc there is a lot to go thru!! i will try my best to remember to update!!! ty for notes :)

- random internet stranger

edit 2: WTF 1000 NOTES GUYS CHILL

ok so like i have to come up with more goals now???

1500 and ill start taking study notes with a study method (rb with study method that is your fav eg cornell method)

1700 and ill attempt to hype myself up enough to eat at school (long story, germs)

2000 notes and ill start whatever book wins this poll:

[livelaughlovekny]

Texting him for homework help

a/n: going to try out a new format + wrote this fic when i was meant to be revising a test but got sidetracked. anyways, you can see how bad i am at science and math HAHA

Summary: You text Muichirou for homework help and he helps you a little

  You flip through the pages furiously, nearly ripping them. You should have revised earlier but the fanfiction you were reading was just too good. Your brain is officially a blank slate. Giving up, you opened up WhatsApp on your laptop. His name was at the top of your recently contacted. Tapping into your chats, you quickly sent him a SOS message.

You help, i cant do this anymore

mint ice creamok

You ☹️ science isnt sciencing

mint ice creamok

You how the frickity frack does a fuse work like does it just like stops current????

mint ice cream are you serious 💀 it lets current flow through but if theres too much then the wire inside the fuse will melt and like current can flow through cos its an open circuit do you get it

You ty bbg YES ok and so explain what earth wire does pls its so stupid ☹️

mint ice cream 🤡

You plsplspls i dont get anything 😢 the slides sucks

  Muichirou rolled his eyes but opened up a new tab in which he searched for the chapter’s slides. Screenshotting it, he sent it to you, knowing full well what your response would be. Waiting for you to reply, he formed his response to you in his head, figuring out how to explain it in simpler terms for you.

You [Image]

idiot wow so helpful 🥺

You it literally just like conducts electricity to the ground like if theres a leakage then it will prevent the user from getting a shock yk 

idiot still a little iffy about it but ok

You its a test, you cant be “iffy” about anything

idiot ☹️ tbf its just a revision

You ok 💀

  Rolling his eyes, Muichirou contemplated explaining the concept to you again or just letting you ask him other questions. He patiently waited for you to send your message when he noticed you typing.

You i think ill revise science tmr can you help me with math

mint ice cream the test is tmr wdym 💀

You ik but im too tired of it ☹️

mint ice creamalright, what is it

You soo whats like the four congruency tests

mint ice cream shit are you serious

You yeah 🙁

mint ice cream 💀ok wait

mint ice cream SSS = Side-Side-Side = All sides are the same SAS = Side-Angle-Side = 2 sides + 1 angle are the same AAS = Angle-Angle-Side= 2 angles + 1 side are the same RHS = Right angle-Hypotenuse-Side = Hypotenuse + 1 side is the same

mint ice creamdo you get it 🤓

You lol ass and idk 🙁

mint ice cream i dont deserve the torture of tutoring you

You 🖕 ok but fr i actually appreciate your help 🥺

  Twirling around in your spinning chair, you waited for his response. You glanced at the messy pile of worksheets and textbooks on your desk. No matter how hard you tried, his explanations were the only things that you could somewhat get.

You you know what congruent means right

idiotyeah

You impressive. so basically after you prove that theyre congruent youll write “[] is congruent to []” right

idiot yeah

You ok then at the back you write one of the congruent tests like which kind of congruency it is

idiot ok

You 🤡

idiot shut up im tired idw to do this anymore oml

  Muichirou’s fingers hovered above his keyboard as he thought about how to respond. He deleted his original message and sent another one.

mint ice cream L

Bonus: <Original message: itll be alright, im here for you>  He knew how hard these stuff were for you and was honestly extremely glad that his explanations could help you, even if it was just a little.

a/n: im so bad at this oml i feel like im horrible at explaining math and science :( tbf i do suck at them and i wrote this for fun (comforting myself) HAHA

[leeyanyanyaaan]

12 / 06 / 2023

dear idv players...

question (i have many but-): who is this? where are we? what happened??? im genuinely so confused ToT

ok to explain myself, the last time i was an active player was during 2019 before stopping around the prisoner/postman/gravekeeper update bc tablet died </3 and then early 2022 when i got a new phone that could handle the game lol (honestly by the time i came back on 2022 i was also confused with all the new updates since the past three years) so yes its my fault for not keeping up with the lore :")

but now i am even more confused than ive ever been and im hoping i could get an explanation from the fandom? ajsbd ill go google abt it + actually play the game tmr

(additional question: does this whole thing replace orpheus and the abandoned manor entirely??? like, do new players just start off like this now? or is this something that needs to be unlocked via story mode???)

[star2sworld]

Hey. Long time no see sorry lol.

Okay, let’s get right into it. School started yesterday.. I had a really bad first day of school. Found out the guy I had liked a lot in middle school (he bullied me & is the reason I have extreme body dysmorphia) is in my 8th period class. I found out in 3rd period and I was having really bad anxiety and was stressed out for the rest of the day. I ended up crying in a few classes because I couldn’t hold it back anymore. When I got to 8th he kept glancing at me but it wasn’t even bad. We didn’t have to Introduce us to the class so I’m thankful. I came home and cried for 2 hours thinking if I’m even worth loving. After a few hours I did my English work and we had to find a quote that described our true self and we had to explain why we think it’s powerful and as I was searching I came across lizard wiz and she reminded me who I am. So grateful I did bc after that I realized he bullied me a verryyy long time ago and it’s about time I moved on. Yes, it had a really big impact and it affected me heavily but he’s irrelevant. Haven’t spoke to him in years I can’t let him control my life anymore. I can’t be scared to see him bc we do go to the same school and we have the same lunch ha shocker. Yesterday at lunch I asked this girl if I can sit by her bc she was alone and then her friends came in a few mins and they literally ignored my entire existence so that was great lol. I felt so awkward I literally just journaled. I felt too anxious to even get food so I didn’t eat.

Day 2 ( today )

- today classes felt much much better. I love my 1st and 2nd. 3rd period is a bit boring but it’s not too bad. Fourth I have art and I luv art !! It’s a relaxing class. Then I have lunch… I decided to sit somewhere else today. I sat at a long table. One half was filled with guys but there was a bit of space left near the windows so I went and sat there. Then I turned around and put my leg in one of the chair ish things and a few mins later some group of guys started calling me from their table. “ hey lady “ “ ayo “ “ she doesn’t hear u she has headphones in “ … next minute I hear “ HE WANT UR NUMBER! “ I turned around back to my seat so quick lol. Idk who even wanted my number but they were Nepali and sophomores pretty sure. Don’t think they’re my type either lol. I went to go get lunch ALL BY MYSELF! I think that’s a lot of improvement compared to yesterday :) I ran into COMBINATION ( guy who bullied me & his friend I thought was so fine last year ) let’s call them double P’s combination Alr. I literally kept running into them at lunch it was acc awkatd every time they saw me they just looked down. Can’t tell if they find me ugly or attractive don’t know but I like lunch I like seeing them p #2 ( his friend ) lol then I had history and we reviewed imperialism , capitalism, & socialism. It was interesting lol. Us owns nothing in china while china owns hundred in the us. Then I went to English , i actually love my teacher. She’s so motherly I feel safe with her. She’s so nice and real 😭. I literally like all my teachers their funny and acc entertaining. THEN 8th period happened omg. We got assigned seats n I sit very far from P #1 (bully) thank god. I sit far back opposite side of him :))) when the teacher was showing his classroom n the poster behind me p looked right at me n I felt sooo awkward lol but it’s alright.

That’s about it. I had no homework tonight so yeah. It’s 10:30 I’m tired. I’m heading to bed just thought I’d write since I haven’t in a week ish. Ama is coming tomorrow so I’m happy and I might go to Erie on Friday :) I’m going to wake up at 4:50 am tmr so I can shower in the morning. Felt to lazy to shower tonight lol. Anyways, I’m happy this year I feel focused. My goal is all A’s & loving myself. My main goals. I also got catfished by a girl lol but ill talk about it tmr bc there’s a lot of things to unwrap. Anyways goodnight.

See you guys tomorrow ;))) hopefully tmr is a good day. Stay positive babes

[bisexual-bitch-blogs]

"Unexpected" Pt 1

Hilichurls X GN Stoic! Reader

You are a pyro catalyst.

POV While working with Venti and Aether to get the 'Shield of Magnificent Honor'. You unknowingly proposed to the hilichurl with a flower and the hilichurl agrees. In exchange, the hilichurl give you its 'shield'. However, you and your companions teleported away making the young hilichurl pack up to find you. His big brother, the mitachurl, followed along in order to protect him from any enemies. They stumbled upon dragonspine where Albedo took interest in them and made a deal.

"I'll help you find them. In exchange, you will participate in my studies."

Hilichurls agreed but One day. A experiment gone wrong(right?) And they turned (slightly) human. At the same time, you, Aether and Paimon decided to visit the chief alchemist, Albedo due to Sucrose's request.

👀------------------------------------------👀

It's been only 20 minutes when the hilichurls has turned human. Albedo is now drawing them, teaching them english as the smaller golden eyed male danced around the fire. His brother just sat by the fire, staring a bullet through the fiery flames. A familiar voice pierced through the air.

"Hello? Are you perhaps Albedo the chief alchemist? Sucrose has sent us here saying you want to study the honorary traveler."

The young hilichurl turned around to see you in front of their benefactor with the same blonde and white haired companions. Seeing how alert his younger brother is, the mitachurl glanced at you, observing.

"Ah, greetings. Let me reintroduce myself. I am Albedo, chief alchemist and Captain of the Investigation Team of the Knights of Favonius-"

Man didnt get to finish his introductory when a white haired male with coal like skin and barely any clothes, jumped onto you. Caught off guard, both you and the half bare male fell down into the cold fluffy snow.

"Muhe ye!"

What the hell did this elf like dude just say? It sounded like the hilichurlian. Who are you kidding. It is. Why did he jump at you, rubbing his smooth cheek against yours?

"Oh Hilic. Is that the person you been looking for?"

The white haired male nods excitedly, smiling from ear to ear. You looked at the pretty toned male on top of you in question. After all you never seen him before. You asked awkwardly.

"Excuse me. Can you please get off me?."

Its seems like the dark skinned boy didnt hear you and continued to cling to your warm body. Albedo apologized.

"Apologies, (Y/N). He doesn't understand english well nor speak. The same goes for his older brother, Mita. They were once Hilichurl and Mitachurl but recently turned human due to my experiment."

Aether gaped while the fairy gasped at the information. Unlike you who was unfazed. Standing up with 'Hilic' stuck to your side, you stumble due to his weight but managed to stay standing in the end.

"I see. However, what do you mean by looking for me?"

The short teal eyed male explains.

"You have confessed to Hilic with a flower. He accepted and gave you his shield as a engagement gift. You accepted it then ran away before marriage. So he went to look for you with his brother. I'm assuming the rest is to complete the marriage and reproduce."

Pretty sure he meant build a family but either way. What the f*ck. You have never heard of a half hilichurl and half human baby. Much less a 'monster' and a human together.

THUD!

"P-Paimon!"

Shouted Aether.

Oh Paimon fainted. Anyways, this isnt about her. You asked.

"Is there a way to cancel or divorce?"

Albedo shook his head.

"Not that I know of nor am I interested."

Sighing. You let yourself be used as a human heater. Aether said, screeching.

"Wait..Are you saying both of them are joining our team now???!!"

Albedo hums.

"It cannot be helped..... Now honorary knight. I assume Sucrose has sent you here to me blah blah blah."

You ignored the rest of Albedo's words as you had a staring contest with 'Mita'. The older ravenette seemed interested in you? Nah. His younger brother is engaged to you somehow. It's not like harem is a thing in their culture...............Right?

------------------------------------------

I plan to make a pt 2. Idc how cursed this fic might be. Ill make it cute somehow. Srry if this writing seems a little rushed.

Next I'll be working on is a Zhongli request and a Scaracoochie X Male Reader. I plan to complete it tonight or tmr if possible. I'm tryna feed ya'll before I wont post for a long time due to personal problems.

[blissfulsaturn]

Story time:

March 2nd, 2018

A month before this date i went to the movies and watched The Maze Runner : The death cure. I went alone because two of my friends bailed on me (for weed/girlfriend) and my own brother, because he was ill. So i went alone and had a blast. What is totally normal for me is to get addicted to the characters and read fanficion and search for pages about them etc. The 3rd part of TMR came out 2 years later than when it was scheduled because the main character (Dylan O'Brien) got injured on the set and the movie couldn't continue without him. Back in 2016, I was addicted to them, and yet again in 2018. I shipped two characters Thomas (Dylan) and Newt (Thomas Brodie- Sangster), and they were everything to me. I've been reading and writing about them, watching the interviews of the entire cast, BTS, stalking so many pages because of them...which is totally normal for me.

On that Friday morning, i had a class at 8am and it was also the day of my big presentation on which I've been working the entire previous day. I woke up and rushed to YouTube to see if there's something new about Newtmas. And then i saw a fanvideo that caught my attention; a thumbnail showed two pairs of legs, big and small, lying on bed, intertwined. Back then, i had no idea they were Elio and Oliver, during their first night. I didn't watch it, i saved it, and then i saw that Thomas BS was in a show called Godless, there was a trailer. I didn't watch it, i just made a mental note to watch the TV series when i come back home. Yes, that was my goal for the day.

I went to class, kicked ass with my presentation, got a perfect score and, because it was snowing, i wasn't rushing back home, i love the snow. My grandmother lives 20 minutes from my University so i decided to go and visit her. On my way to her i called her, she didn't answer, so i went outside her door and when nobody answered, i turned around and went home. I enjoyed the snow on my way back home.

On my way home i scrolled through Google and saw that there were Oscar nominees. The Oscars were 2 days away. I read about some but the entire attention was focused on only one movie and on one actor : Call me by your name and Timothée Chalamet. I had no idea what was it about or who he was (i didn't recognize him from Interstellar). So i read about the plot and my God, i swear to you, when i saw that it was an LGBTQ movie and that Armie Hammer was the other character :SOLD!

I've been a fan of Armie's for years and he's always given me such gay vibes and the fact that he starred in this type of movie, I thought "Finally, something where he'll shine!" and my gentle giant did shine. As for Timothée, i read his name and thought "Huh, he's probably a tall black haired dude", and he waaaaas, i had no idea what he looked like until i got home and searched his name. I was sold, he was, still is, beautiful. I was hooked to the both of them almost immediately.

So I got home, ate something, and somewhere around 8 or 9 pm I started watching Call me by your name. I never made a bathroom break, never played with my phone, never paused it; my full attention was on the movie in front of me. I don't think i changed the way i was lying while watching it. It was like i couldn't blink or breathe or speak. When the movie was over, i cried like i never cried before, it took me about 30-40 minutes to gather my shit and go drink some water so i don't dehydrate. The next morning, i couldn't stop thinking about it. I had to study, but instead of that, i watched the movie again, and the next day as well, and 30 minutes before the Oscars. I watched the Oscars from 2am til 6am, never missed a second and cried again when they won the Best Adaptive Screenplay. Then i took a short nap of almost an hour, got up, went to class. The next day i found the book online and read it. Again...crying like a maniac. And after that...i haven't been the same since. My addiction grew so much that in the first year i lost count after watching the movie for the 20th time, I now own 5 different versions of the book, a fan account on Instagram and a blog here on Tumblr, plus, the multiple fanfics/one shots i wrote about them. I have Elio's bracelets, my Elio shirt, i don't look at peaches the same way and thanks to Elio i now know how to finger them so i get the seed out, and the big finale : why this movie shook me so much is because i, myself, have an Oliver in my life. It hit so close to home.

My day is still filled with everything related to Timothée, Armie and Call me by your name. I've changed so much, in every way possible and i have this movie/book to thank only. They had such an impact on me, i don't remember what my life was before this. I never watched that TV show i wanted or went back to shipping Newtmas.

Two years ago on this exact day, my life changed and changed for good. It's something i can't explain and yet, I'm in a mood to talk about all of this for hours.

🍑🍑🍑

[scrmngtts]

Some highlights i wanna point out and remember.

1. He called me friday at 11:20pm and 11:24pm. I didnt pick up bc i didnt see i was busy doing something. I saw it at 11:30?? I saw there was an unknown number that missed call me. I deleted his number for me to prevent on texting him first with nonsense. But my laptop is connected to my imsg so i went to check my laptop if its the same number. It was. I froze for a moment idkwtd. My heart was racing so fast. So thats what it feels like? It makes my heart so painful i think i was shaking in and out. I tried to msg u but accidentally hit called back btn. Idk if it called u right away but i cancelled it. And msg u immediately at 11:35pm. I still cant believe u actually took the initiative to call me back. I was just expecting a msg. So yeah thank u.

2. He said he wanted to ask me for some milk bc hes drunk. Wtf right? So hes drunk calling/txting me now? I was so confused. I said he was so random. He said he needed milk so bad that he would come over with a cup to ask for some milk. I wanted to point this out bc then he is aware that i live nearby. WE ARE NEIGHBORS! Fuck! I said ill give him tmr since im sleeping (a lie) he said its fine now oof his neighbor gave him milk already. I then said good for him.

3. I didnt reply back at him bc he just said “exactly” like wtf do u reply to that right? But i cant stop thinking about how he called me first. broke the awkward silence and once again gave me confidence to flirt to him. Im actually thinking does he like this at all? Does he like seeing me go crazy and gets his attention? Idk. Yah.

4. Saturday, i msg him back. I was planning the whole day if im gonna initiate first and so i did. I asked him how is he and if he is sober. I also wrote what im gonna say on my notes on iphone bc im so anxious i would fuck this conversation up. Well first msg i already fucked up i was supposed to tell ask him if he is sober but i added how are you? Im gonna dieee ughh. Well he responded pretty fast that made me happy. He said he is good.

5. I told him i wanna talk to him he said he was fine yesterday too. I said no, bc he wasnt. He was drunk calling me. I was expecting earlier this day he would actually msg me and be like im so sorry about last night. But he didnt haha. So clearly he knows what he did last night and didnt forgot about it. Thinking that he thought of me to ask for some milk at the middle of night points out that he is aware we live nearby. FUCK RIGHT? Bc i dont have the face to show myself again after what i did.

6. Anyway... i finally told him what i wanted to tell him since i did that incident. I let it all out and now i feel like i dont owe him anything. He said it was fine and to not worry about it. Idk so does that mean he is single? I wanted to say sorry bc what if he has a gf and theyre really happy and im like fucking it up. I also said im sorry for being annoying but he just said its fine dont worry. So i guess im done im not gonna overthink things and let it all slide.

7. This is random but i really wanted to know how to pronounce his name. So i asked him, he said its kind of hard to explain thru txt so i told him to tell me when i see him. AAAA FUCK RIGHT? he then responded ok with 3 lol emojis. So thats the end of the convo. That i wanted to point out.

Honestly i feel like documenting this whole thing helps me in some way. Like it calms me down. I dont have anyone to tell this story so this really really helps me a lot. Thanks tumblr iguess. I also hope this isnt the last time were having a conversation. I hope he does message me again, i hope he will ask me more questions too i hope well have some topics to talk about. Idk. Idk if i want a next time? I just want to cherish and document the moment so i can relive it in the future. Thats all!!

[00250]

Advice for writing multi chaptered fics?

!!!!!!!!!! this is gonna be long probably so

first of all im so happy you have come to me!! to ask this question!! i feel so honoured!! i will do my best to provide u w an at least sort of helpful answer

so

ill start w a disclaimer that ive only ever actually finished 2 mulit-chap fics so. Yea im gonna talk abt my experience w those first then general advice

that being said!!! the first multi-chap fic i ever wrote was totl, which ended up being about 46k. when i decided to start posting (COMPLETELY on a whim, jsyk) i had done about 3 chapters? and i decided to commit to a once a week posting schedule so. w 12 chaps and 46k total (totl, haha) i think i was writing just over 3800 words per week? which like, looking back. How The Fuck

totl spanned august-october of 2015, so when i was just starting grade 12! i was writing each chapter like. in the week before it was posted mostly so i had Deadlines which i think! really did help motivate me to write it because i REALLY wanted to stick to my schedule

also, i knew exactly what i was doing - before i started posting chapters i’d outlined the ENTIRE fic in a rly nice kind of spreadsheet thing w like. plot points, chapter stats (title, words, date to post), the quote for each chap, and bookkeeping details like timeline! i think that was the MOST helpful thing for me cause in general i need to Plan Out My Entire Life like i wouldn’t be alive w/o my planner!!!

also i have the best friends in the entire world so i had a really really good support system when i was writing totl - both irl and tumblr friends that would hype me up and were really invested in the fic so that meant a LOT to me and was just all the more motivation to finish it and make it really good!!

also i think since i’d had the idea for totl for almost 3 years before i actually wrote it (fun fact it was originally gonna b for a diff fandom but i changed it to tailor to tmr) i had a LOT of time to consider like. overarching themes and the artistic aspect of it? so like by the time i got around to outlining/writing really all i needed to figure out was specific plot stuff and tailoring it to tmr

so that was my approach for totl!! in addition to like the Main fic ive also done a number of shorter fics in the same universe cause it is so dear to me!! you can find that here if ur interested ;))

my other multi-chap fic i’ve written is called expedition and its a 48k space adventure fic!! this one isnt a modern au, but like, canon universe if wckd had decided to send the gladers to space to repopulate instead of like. Using Them As Test Subjects.

this one i wrote over a Long period of time, i think the original conception of the idea was march-ish of 2016, and then i actually got my shit together and started writing that summer, but didn’t finish it until september 2017! there’s a lot of factors as to why it took so long but it was mostly school (bc i started uni that year) and the fact that i didnt meticulously outline! i had a rly good idea of what i wanted for general mood and themes, but plot was only a few rly general points that didnt get really detailed until i was actually writing the fic

also because i hadnt outlined i didnt start publishing until it was Completely done bc i knew i wouldnt be able to keep up - and this is just a personal preference for like My Own writing but i generally don’t post things until they’re Done i just like. can’t have the chance of not finishing/disappointing ppl/etc but thats just me!

so w expedition i was going into it a lot more blind but i was curious to see how that affected my creative process? like. just letting myself Loose and seeing where the story went and i liked it!! i feel like for me. my writing style in terms of both artistic style and like. the technical stuff and how i prepare/etc for a fic REALLY depends on the fic itself!! like. i dont know how to explain it but. yea

okay! this is way too long lets have some general multi-chap fic writing advice:

outline if that works for you! some people think its to constraining on their creativity but i find it really helps me stay on track/motivated!

have some ppl to hype u up! my irl best friend who Did Not Care about tmr read all the books just so he could talk about it with me!! and he read totl every single week and discussed it w me and it was. so Blessed its hard but if u can find urself a hype friend

figure out why the hell u want to do this!! personal achievement? hell yea! just really need to tell this story?? awesome!! you know that that one person will abs love it?? perf!!

even if it’s bad/ends up not really fitting your story in the end, save it. you can always spin it into a one shot or maybe even its entire own thing. also, it’s just nice to look back on your own writing!!

in that vein - the one shot i just posted for totl was a scene between thomas and minho that didn’t make it into any of the other totl fics. it’s nice bc i can explore those moments, and also it was just like. a dialogue study btwn those two characters - i find those are Really helpful to explore a dynamic esp one u might not get to see a lot in whatever fic ur writing

let yourself be bad? like this sounds like weird advice but. don’t get caught up in having the first draft be perfect - when i’m writing a first draft of anything i dont edit AT ALL (if i think of something to change while writing ill usually use google doc’s comment feature) because i find it rly disrupts the creative flow!! let urself word vomit! dont worry abt making it good, u can do that later!!

know urself. if inspiration doesnt strike that often, make use of when it does. you can train yourself to be in the mood for writing - it’s fuckin hard, but if you get into the habit, it becomes a LOT easier to write more regularly. try to write at least 100 words a day

for multi-chap fics, keep track of ur shit!!! it helps to make a separate document w like. a little timeline of when things happen. even if they’re not all relevant in your story or are never mentioned, it will help you to keep things straight logistically

if ur commiting to a multi-chap and ur gonna update it every how many ever days, try to like. write a good chunk of it Before in case u fall behind!! but if u do end missing a deadline dont! beat urself up! 

have fun. writing is supposed to be painful but like. fun painful

ok i think that’s way longer than it should b so im gonna. stop. but this was FUN anon i hope at least some of this was helpful and if u ever wanna talk abt writing w me!! come hit me up yall!

[burntflorets]

22 april 2017

1:03am its funny how I tell others don’t smoke or drink too much when I myself have gone through more than 15 boxes of cigarettes and 20 bottles. idk I’ve lost count of everything now. maybe I’ve smoked more and drank more, but as far as I know there are 15 boxes and 20 bottles lying around on my bedroom floor. 

pathetic isn’t it.  mm I know. tell me more. 

my anxiety was at its highest yesterday. my migraine was at its worst yesterday. they don’t seem like they are going to leave anytime.  I think I’ve eaten more than 8 pills today. I think thats more than what I should be taking in a day. but it doesn’t take the pain away. I still feel like shit. my head’s still spinning. I’m still nauseous. my anxiety is still here. 

I’ve run out of cigarettes and alcohol. I’ve run out of money too. I can’t get more. I need more. I need to calm myself down. I can’t. I need a drink I need a smoke. 

im exhausted, but I can’t sleep.  my stomach hurts. I think I’ve ate too much painkillers. or maybe its bc I can’t eat anything. idk

I’m angry I’m sad I’m disappointed I’m feeling so many things at once. I can’t cope. 

I need a smoke I need a drink. but I’ve run out of everything.

one moment you don’t care, the next moment you do, then you go back to not caring again. you’re so hot and cold I honestly don’t even know what to feel anymore. I don’t know how to prepare myself for that day. 

I need to mentally prepare myself bc I think I can’t handle anymore blows. one more blow and I think I might just snap. 

I feel so on edge all the time. I feel so paranoid all the time. I feel so skittish all the time.  I can’t stay calm, I can’t stop overthinking.  even the smallest of things trigger my anxiety. stupid things like if my alarm is going to ring tmr morning. stupid things like if I’m going to be able to breathe the next second. stupid things like if I’m going to have nightmares or not. stupid things that I can’t even make sense of. stupid things that shouldn’t be filling up my mind. stupid things that keep me on edge all the time. 

I don’t know I can ever fall asleep tonight. I don’t know if I can make it through the night. the night alr feels long. I don’t have my fix of alcohol and cigarettes. 

its only 2am, and I feel like I’ve been tossing and turning for the longest time ever. its going to be a long night with my thoughts. 

I wished I was drunk. so I wouldn’t have to deal with my thoughts. I wished I was high so I wouldn’t have depressing thoughts. I wish I was fine. I wish I was ok.

I thought I found my forever person. I guess not. 

I keep thinking about the fantasy you told me. I keep making up excuses on your behalf for myself as to why you said those things.  its pathetic how I keep trying so hard and living in denial.  when its clear as day you have no intentions of staying but you’re just saying it to reassure me for the sake of it. 

my vision keeps fading to black. its scary. it happened super frequently yesterday. its happening now again. 

its like a fainting feeling, but different. idk what’s going on. it scares me.  I can’t ask my parents for help. they will probe and I don’t want them to know anything. I can’t handle the questions now. I don’t want to put myself through even more hurt by explaining. they are the last people that ill ever find help in. 

I think need help. both mentally and physically. but I’m broke. I have nothing left. maybe its my punishment. idk. maybe I deserved this. maybe I brought all these upon myself bc I didn’t know how to cope. 

4:41am I’m increasingly paranoid and restless. 

your words keep haunting me. 

7:17am It’s like choking on a LifeSaver like a firehouse burning to the ground It’s like you’re allergic to your medication Meant to make you better, but it makes you worse It’s like dying in your own living room Like a home mover following behind a hearse

I keep running circles trying to understand why the dreams I die for are now killing me And I keep running circles trying to figure out why this life is not what I thought it’d be

I wanna go back to the sweet beginnings When I was young and full of innocence I wanna go back to complete surrender of you

but I don’t think I can ever run back to you anymore. 

everything has changed. I pushed you too far away this time. you’re gone. I lost u.

9:13am i dreamt about you again. we were so happy and in love. you designed a wolf tattoo that u always wanted for me and you tattooed it onto my side yourself.

it was gorgeous. we were back to normal. the happy playful us. where we rolled around play wrestling and tickling. me lying on top of you preventing you from getting up. we were so happy. but it was alll a dream.

i woke up and cried.

it’s only been two weeks, but it felt way longer than that.

it’s funny how even after the shit you’ve done to me, even after all these, i still love you a lot. and even if i say i don’t anymore, others can see it in me.

if others can say that they still can see that i love you a lot, it means that it’s pretty obvious and it’s really true.

it’s kind of fucked up don’t you think. to think that i still love you as much as i did before. even though every time i get wrecked, i get depressed, i get hurt and all.

i don’t know if i’m fucking stupid or what, have i not woken up??

i know you don’t love me as much, i know you don’t even love me anymore. and now i’m at the losing end, but still i have the same amount of love i had for you since the start. or even more. fuck.

people always say we accept the love we think we deserve. but everyone says i deserve better. maybe i do. but i love you. and maybe i do really deserve better. but it always has been you.

last night i was tearing myself apart. i was mad at the world. i was mad at myself. i hated myself. bc i still love you even after all these. i was mad bc i knew you left, you were long gone, but i still wanted you. i still loved you.

it’s funny how i always try and come up with excuses for myself for your actions like maybe bc you didn’t have a role model when you were growing up that’s why you don’t have direction in life, or that bc of the way you were brought up, that’s why you behave this way, or that the environment that you grew up in wasn’t the best that’s why it shaped you to be the way you are. i desperately keep giving myself excuses, i keep lying to myself, desperately trying to justify my love for you.

i know it’s pointless and futile. but i just can’t stop. and it’s fucked up. it’s very fucked up.

you’re just going to cont living you like the same way as before, and if we were to get back together, it’s going to be the same shit same problems all over again.

i’m tired of it honestly, i want to be with you, but i want this time to be better. this time, i want us to be truly happy, i know fights and quarrels are inevitable, but i just want us to be better, not like how we were in the past few months. but like how we were in the beginning. able to compromise, able to give and take, able to be really happy.

but it’s all just hopes that will never come true anymore. bc you left. i can see it in the way you reply. there’s no more this time left. there’s no more us left.

2:24pm i’ve been thinking about what you said. you said “i love you and I hope somehow somewhere it all gets better, but deep down we both know that can never happen seeing how diff we are. How hard we try also there will be differences, compromising is one thing but whether in the long run it works out is another, that’s why I need this timeout, to think what’s the best path for us”

and honestly, in every relationship the two people are definitely different. bc opposites attract. And it’s the compromise that makes it a relationship. If you truly love that person, you shouldn’t even be counting the level of compromise. compromising itself shouldnt even be a problem. if you truly love someone. it’s just like you know the other person’s wrong, but you compromise and put your ego down, bc you rather lose the fight rather than losing the r/s. it doesn’t mean that you’re at fault. it’s just you treasure the r/s and the person more and would rather lose the fight instead.

compromising doesn’t mean that you have to give in to the person all of the time. it means that both of us need to give up something, not just one of us. compromising in a r/s can also be negotiating and coming to an agreement instead of just sacrificing something. it’s not always that you stop doing something or i can achieve something, but both of of us have to brainstorm ways that both of us can each achieve while also gaining another benefit for us both both.

idk the way how you see things but if you did truly love me, compromising wouldn’t be an issue. there are always ways to work around it, talking it out and coming to a mutual agreement.

but from what i see, you aren’t willing to compromise for me, you wouldn’t want to work around or thinks of new ways about what u want to do for me. much less give anything up.

i don’t even know how to explain things to you anymore. it’s really confusing the way how you think.

and it’s depressing to know that you think it’s the only way and that you don’t want to figure things out or find other ways to work around it for me. you rather give me up bc it’s the easier option.

it’s fucking selfish of you. i don’t even know if you know you’re being selfish. maybe u do. maybe you just want to be a dick. maybe you just didn’t consider my feelings at all from the start.

You knew i was unstable, you knew i have tendencies to do you shit and harm yourself, but it didnt matter to you. you just asked me to promise you. you knew it wasn’t beneficial for me. but you just wanted to stay out of any subsequent trouble and fights and think for yourself.

it’s fucking selfish of you. you always said in a r/s it takes two hands to clap. and i told you that even if you solved a problem on your side, doesn’t mean that on my side it’s solved too. i might have some loose ends that needs tying up. you yourself know that we are two very different people and we both have different methods of solving problems.

yet you didn’t want to compromise and figure out a way for us to salvage our rs TOGETHER. you just wanted a timeout which was just solving it YOURSELF ON YOUR OWN.

you didn’t want to work with me u just took the easier way out. and now you’re doing it again by telling me we aren’t going to work out bc how much we compromise it’s not going to work out. that’s fucking bullshit. that’s you not willing to work with me. that’s you being selfish again.

i don’t get why you don’t want to work with me to help us on this. i don’t get why you always want to do things on your own. i’m your fucking gf. i should be in this tgt with you to solve OUR RS problems. we’re in this tgt. are we not?

you act like you’re the only one in the rs. that’s how you portray yourself. then what’s the point of me being here. what’s the point of you calling me your girlfriend?

i want to help you. you’re not letting me in. you’re not letting me help you save us. you rather give me up than compromise.

it just kills me to see that even till now, that’s how you really are. and that you’re that stubborn and not receptive of others.

even after all these i still really want us to work out. i still see myself with a future with you. i see myself being happy with you. no doubt it’s going to take a lot of effort. but looking at the way how you see things, you just gave up.

the person who never wanted to give up on us before just stopped caring and gave up.

how much i want to try rn will not change anything considering you rather give me up than compromise. bc it’s the easier way out. bc you think that’s the only way

11:38pm i can’t do this alone. i need a drink. i need to smoke.

i've been staring at your pictures, at the photos i've taken of u, at the photos of us. i miss you a lot. i just want to see you.

[anbeee-blog]

oh sangwoo: ignorant bliss - chapter four

i do not own the manhwa nor do i own any of the killing stalking characters except my own. i do not own the plot of the manhwa except this fanfic plot. killing stalking belongs to koogi. thank you for giving us this beautiful work of art!!

I got home that night blaming myself silly over how terrible our meeting turned out to be. After I washed down my makeup and changed into my home clothes, I turned on my laptop and laid on my bed. My apartment hummed after I'd turned on the heater, enveloping me in comfortable warmth.

Unexpectedly, my phone buzzed on my blanket and I picked it up, wary and knowing full well who it was. I turned it on and went to my messages, one sent by none other than Sangwoo himself.

[unknown]

hey

is this eunbi?

I bit my lip and my thumbs hovered over the screen, hesitating to type a reply. But he's already seen that I opened his messages. I cross my legs on my bed and text him back. Then I open my music playlist on Spotify and let it play in my room.

yeah

sangwoo rite?

mhm

are u home safe now

no one came up to u or anything

right

no nothing like that

thanks for worrying

im ok

sorry for making you worry haha

As I waited for him to reply, I hummed to the song playing on my laptop as I clicked on Tumblr in my bookmarks. I waited for the site to load and looked back at my phone, trying to ease my rapid heartbeat. What was wrong with me?

im just glad ur ok

I clutched my shirt collar and suddenly my chest hurt. He was never one to worry. We always left each other to our own devices and knew that we were capable of ourselves. This wasn't like Sangwoo, but could I really know him after only talking to him for a few hours?

thanks

so

can we forget about earlier?

haha no wait

i'm genuinely curious

when did it start

when did what start?

I knew damn well what he was referring to and playing dumb wouldn't delay his response any time later.

your crush on me

it's bothering me rn

i wanna know when u started liking me lol

it's kinda funny

That was all he had to say? That me liking him back then was funny? I suddenly didn't want to talk to him anymore and wanted to leave him on read. But something impulsively made me tap a fast reply back, an underlying aggression inside the message.

oh hahaha

started when u got drafted

not surprised u left so soon after we graduated lol

but u can't help it w/ girls or anyone in particular rlly

can u?

Oh my God. Had I really done that? And Sangwoo hadn't even begun typing own message. Anxiety flooded my brain and I fought to keep myself calm. My legs tangled themselves up under the blanket and my hands attempted to steady themselves while still holding the phone.

"What is wrong with me?" I asked nobody in particular.

( . . . )

He's typing.

( . . . )

The more minutes that passed by, the more my anxiety increased and I tried to contain myself. Calm down, Eunbi. It's just a text. No big deal.

ping!

u always know how to make me laugh babe

"Babe?" I whispered. As if that wasn't enough--

let's go out tmr at 3.

u down?

uh

it's not gonna be awk as it was tonite

right

LOL

not if u make it awkward yourself haha

i also got smt else to ask

yeah? what is it

what u heard abt what happened before i left for the military

what exactly did u hear

ill explain

to make it up for earlier

He's actually going to do it, I thought. He was going to open up, as odd enough as it sounded.

i heard that ur parents got murdered

if it's tru

im so sorry

so sorry that i wasn't there for u

and that i didn't know what was going on to comfort u

im saying this in case it's tru

( . . . )

( . . . )

( . . . )

thanks eunbi

it's tru

they got murdered

i didn't take it well

the military was a way for me to cope i guess

i wish i told u about it

instead of being so closed up back then

ik im closed up now but

i'll try to open up to u now that we can talk

He's not apologizing, I noticed. But I was expecting too much of him much too soon, probably. I rubbed my temples and reached for my laptop to play another one of my music playlists. The instrumental piano always managed to soothe me, especially one of Yiruma's works. I shifted my pillows behind me and grabbed one of my Pusheen cat pillows close to me as I typed up a reply.

u don't know how much this means to me

im sorry for always trying to force u to tell me abt ur business

i was always frustrated haha

just tell me when ur ready

i wont force you anymore

😊💖💖

Breathe, Eunbi, breathe.

so where do u wanna meet tmr?

u remember that old cafe we always went to after school ?

i wanna go there

and i wanna talk more

ill tell u everything that happened while i was gone

and i wanna know more about you

ok

and if it's alright

since it's during the day

can i come over to ur house after? read

lol

so if it weren't night then u would've come

right

haha im not gonna fuck you eunbi

I felt myself blush and screamed into my Pusheen cat pillow.

wtf no i wasn't thinking that

even if it were night i still would've come

it was just late tonite

u pervert

see u tmr at 3?

mhm

u goin to sleep?

yeah haha i have a class in the morning

shit im goin back to college lol

rlly?? which one

im at the local one that's close by.

sungsoo university

basically the only one in this area LOL

damn

im goin there soon

fuckk haha

well night eunbi

night

After I turned off my phone and my laptop, I lied back in bed hugging my Pusheen cat pillow. All I knew for a fact that this wasn't the Sangwoo that I knew back then and that he definitely, definitely changed a lot. His tone was flirtatious, practically oozing through the text. And I didn't like it. But it didn't hurt to do that, would it?

I wasn't conversing with the person that I had so closely confided with and spent almost my entire high school career with. We were grown adults now and it would be natural for men to unconsciously flirt every once in a while. Right?

The night continued to prosper outside my window and I listened to the crickets hum and some toads that croaked every now and then. He'd changed and I would have to accept it. We weren't adolescents anymore. We were thrown in a world that treated us harshly and nothing better than the dirt that we walked on. Maybe the military shaped him into that sort of thinking along with his behavior. Maybe I wasn't Sangwoo's only friend and I was just glooming over him like some obsessive freak.

It was getting late and I was acting like my high school self again, fussing over something so miniscule. Sangwoo no longer wore his glasses, enhancing his handsome appearance. Maybe his looks had thrown me off and my hormones spun out of control as a result.

I'm going crazy, I concluded. And reached over to my nightstand and turned the lamp off.

continuing in... | chapter five | (chapter will be linked as soon as i update!)