#im blessed to even get 1 like on the silly stuff i put out there lol

[thunderboltage]

unpopular opinion (apparently): i love all of the attention and love my writing gets and could never really be bothered much that it only gets likes or that people comment what they wanna?

[sanchoyo]

danny phantom 14-20 thoughts!! I finished up s1 :D these last few eps were actually really really good!!!

-did. did tucker really just say esperanto was a dead language only spoken as a secret code between geeks. google says around 100,000 people actively speak it. oh my god...it being an auxiliary language doesn't mean its 'just for geeks to speak in code' ...it helps bridge gaps between people who don't have a language in common...

-danny really isn't pulling punches when it comes to fighting the ghost-cop possessed people huh. like he SLAMMED KWAN INTO THE CONCRETE SO HARD. HE THREW PAULINA INTO A BILLBOARD. will that...I mean it WOULD carry over to their bodies non-possessed, right? like if the ghost piloting their bodies gets hurt?? itd be so upsetting to be possessed, lose time, then wake up covered in bruises (and possibly, broken bones??) real horror movie stuff im sure wont be addressed in any way

-tuckers parents seem nice! I like them :)

-WULF IS CUTE AND I FEEL BAD. im so glad the gang realized he was only causing trouble bc of the shock collar walker put on him and helped. also, him wearing that big hoodie with the hood on, and thinking its subtle. we can tell youre still a giant wolfie :) THEN GETTING SUCKED INTO THE PORTAL AAAAH :( anxiously waiting to see Him Again....

-DANNY BLASTING HIS PARENTS THINKING THEY WERE OVERSHADOWED LMFAO GET THEIR ASSES. maddie marking how many ghosts she gets with lipstick tallies on the side of her portal gun? kindaaa iconic tho. (ALSO, SHE WAS LIKE, 2 FT AWAY FROM HIM RIGHT AFTER SHE TRIED TO SHOOT HIM. HOW DO YOU NOT RECONINZE YOUR OWN SON??? like sure, he might have diff hair/eye colors. but like, if one of my family members dyed their hair, and was wearing contacts, its not like id be like 'wHO IS THIS STRANGER!!!' ...he still has all his facial features!! same everything!!! I hate it here)

-paulina being #1 girl realizing danny's a friendly ghost immediately. smart queen. lancer and kwan ran away right after he made this sweet baby face at them:

which is hilarious.

-ok. im not saying his bullying is JUSTIFIED, but. dash looked so pleased with the (cute!) poster he just painted, and danny comes thru the wall and spills paint on his nice letterman jacket. his anger is justified maybe 65% of the time so far...(not the way he handles it, but STILL.) at least lancer is stepping in!! and them making a silly little bet was...cute?? until dash pulled out his GROSS UNDERWEAR AND SAID DANNY WOULD HAVE TO EAT THEM???? WHAT THE FUCK MAN. TUCKER WAS SO RIGHT ITS FUCKING WEIRD TO CARRY THOSE AROUND EWWW. THIS KID IS UNWELL. lancer was right, his animatronic setup was SUPER IMPRESSIVE?? hes actually pretty creative. danny meanwhile is stealing the fright knight's design...I hope dash is taking art classes or smth with his sports

-fright knight is the most bestest ghost so far i LOVE THAT DESIGN. I am biased towards knights, and characters with swords, but he fucks so severely. and should sue danny for copyright infringement for stealing his design for his haunted house. if some 14 yr old broke into MY house and stole MY sword, id also be pissed. his evil winged unicorn rules too with its FANGS. and he just CAN SHOVE THE PORTAL OPEN WITH HIS HANDS??? is he the strongest ghost weve seen so far? idk but hes my fav. SOUL SHREDDER IS SUCH A COOL SWORD NAME TOO. ANY NAMED SWORD ALSO FUCKS. 'flaming bedsheets of DEATH' funny king. ALSO he was polite to dash and tucker when just asking for directions and telling tucker 'oh maybe, just a suggestion, maybe be nicer to me and be more respectful :)' I LOOOVE HIM.

-I noticed this in the Ember ep, but jazz has an electric guitar in her room!! talent musical queen!! its cool to see hobbies just in the bg.

-fright knight's murder castle reminds me of the booby trapped murder castle in zexal!! another supposedly 'for kids' show with murder/trap castles! we love that. if you are a dp fan reading this, give yugioh zexal a try. its also got 13-14 year old protags and involves (alien) ghosts. the cardgame is just a vessel for the plot, which is really good. (I just want more people to watch my fav yugioh, man)

-danny. with a SWORD.

-danny doesnt NEED TO WIN this contest, dash didnt STEAL HIS DESIGNS AND STEAL A SWORD. he also got excited to hear lancer got sent to a dimension with his worst fears too just so he could win the contest? DANNY WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU!!! BRO MAYBE YOURE 14 AND HAVENT FULLY DEVOLPED YOUR WHOLE BRAIN YET, BUT...THATS FUCKED. this kid casually says the most deranged things, I do worry for my spooky son. once again, therapy needed. that judo toss was great tho. I wonder if he actually did pick up some martial arts stuff from his mom?

-danny can fly 112 mph!!! thats so fast! I love the lil montage of him and his friends testing his abilities and stuff, very cute and a good way to showcase what he can do by now and how much more proficient he's gotten from ep 1!!! I'm sure he's going to get more abilities :)

-im glad...maddie's at least TRYING this ep. I do feel for her because her husband is a man baby. but the fact it took 16 episodes to get a kinda semblance of any kind of real concern or attempts at bonding. hmm. jack's 'BACK OFF SHES A MINOR' @ the ghost trying to attack jazz. also was very funny. and him wanting to make an action figure of her? are the parents redeeming themselves to me? slightly. they gotta Work Harder

-THE GHOST. IS FLYING. THE PLANE.

-fenton machete. but she doesnt carry a PHONE??? ???

-I mean I expected vlad when you namedrop him earlier in the ep, and also the title card picture, and dalv corp being fucking vlad backwards. but seeing him just pull up on a golf cart made me bust out laughing. WITH the gift baskets prepared. why wouldnt you at least be suspicious. also, if he wants danny to be his lil sonboy, why is he so fucking malicious?? dude you are going about this in such a bad way. stop it. get some help.

-maddie not even hesitating to drag danny out. fucking good. danny is so right, go on the internet to date. get a cat. how do you spend...how many years?? has it been since college?? at least 20, right, since the parents/vlad are in their 40s? hung up on ONE girl. my god, man. incel drama queen. her kung fu IS impressive, but dude. 'we both know hes a creep' SO right. it sucks but they do need a phone and shit being in the middle of NOWHERE. also, just stealing his helicopter was great. <3

-'you must be exhausted carrying the weight of that mistake you made years ago' 'well we all make mistakes. maybe I'll make one now!' WHY DID THIS EXHCHANGE SEND ME. AND VLAD WITH THE BREATH SPRAY EWWW BITCH. 'OLD BAIT BREATH' SOO RIGHT. both danny and his mom playing him HAHAH hes so dumb. or rather, I think he thinks with his emotions too too much and is...actually pretty gullible? lmao he believed danny was ready to give in SO fast. (which is sad hes that hopeful, like you have SO MUCH MONEY YOU COULD EASILY GET ANOTHER GIRL WHO HAS A KID. AND WOULD WANT TO BE WITH YOU AND BE SUPPORTED. GET OVER THIS (1) WOMAN ALREADY IM GETTING SECONDHAND EMBARRASSMENT AAAAH)

-GHOST BEAR GHOST BEAR GHOST BEAR. it was also in the title card, but I still got very excited. we love bears here

-SAM'S BAT SWIMSUIT COVERUP!!! her outfits are simply iconic.

-'i'd tell you to go to the mens room, but I don't think you qualify' top paulina transphobic moments. :( and him wearing a tanktop to the swim park? hmmm! (actually I think she was overshadowed by then, so, KITTY top 10 transphobic moments??)

-kitty just piloting paulina around makes me feel SO bad tho, paulina's gonna wake up and be like 'wtf do you mean I was dating this rando' like youre leading danny on to make johnny jealous, and also just POSSESSING POOR PAULINA. dude take your relationship problems ELSEWHERE. last time we saw them, they seemed like such a cute couple!! wtf johnny!! I mean, she sucks for trying to make him jealous, he sucks for looking at other girls...maybe they need a break, but Not Like This. or, you know, just. better communication...

-and the A-listers having a full packet and a stamp system. who organizes this. kwan fucking owning being the new danny though, this is hysterical. THE TUCKER/KWAN FLOWER FIELD TWIRL. UNIRONICALLY ADORABLE. and him giving it his all for the poetry slam. bless his HEARTTTT.

-Star owns. actually, all of the extra characters are shining this ep and I love it.

-INVISO-BILL??? NOOOO THEY DID HIM SOO DIRTY. DANNY SWEETIE IM SO SORRY.

-johnny and danny bein friends and staging a fake fight (which danny takes too seriously, once again this child has aggression he NEEDS TO WORK OUT) I hope these three stay friends, I said it before but danny needs more friendly ghosts to hang with.

-at this point, Danny's ghost enemies are a lot like, I dunno, batman's rouge gallery is the first thing that comes to mind. they all have their own gimmick and unique designs, but most of them are easy to beat after learning the Moral Lesson. I still get excited when any of them show up again, though. 18 is another valerie episode!!!! :D skulker really said you two will get along if I have to handcuff you together <3 and the gym teacher really said, youre married now, have a flour baby! ngl, I'm not really watching this show for the shipping stuff (which I am very scared to look at the fandom for after I finish this watch through- I feel like there's probably discourse/arguing about ships...) but. I'm gonna put my opinion out there. valerie/danny > sam/danny. maybe I just really love the enemies to lovers trope. And the secret identity stuff adds Extra Flavor.

-SKULKER JUST HAVING THE BOX GHOST AND DANGLING HIM BY A STRING. HILARIOUS. and him watching them with binoculars and making his silly little commentary. AND MAKING THE SACK BABY CRY. LMAO. THIS DUDE IS A BABY KIDNAPPER. skulker is super fun

-danny, you just...collapsed the water tower. and then attacked the nasty burger machine...mascot thingy...out of anger..I KEEP SAYING HE'S GOT ANGER ISSUES BUT. HE REALLY NEEDS A LESSON IN MANAGING COLLATERAL DAMAGE!!! So does valerie!! They're both pretty focused on each other. I mean it's good of Danny to say he's trying to make sure PEOPLE don't get hurt, but... (I mean I guess it's not something 14 year olds WOULD worry about, but as an adult im like, who's going to fix that? how much money will that take??)

-TUCKER MAKING BANK. and sam and tucker being super emotionally attached to their flour baby and being pretty good parents. that's cute...also him just straight kissing her and being like. WAIT. O_O JDSKAFHD. his mom baking them into cookies was the funniest possible result. tbh I dont feel like this is on tucker, if anything the other kid's shouldve been more responsible! He was just taking an opportunity to get that $$ which I respect

-Danny being more understanding of Valerie's situation in the end (helping her at her job, too, and trying to keep that a secret for her!!!) And seeing them work together this ep, and also her letting phantom get her out of the ghost zone...was very sweet. LOVE that. more valerie eps pls

-me when I realize vlad's big stupid house exploded because of his own carelessness with changing the ghost portal ectofiltrator or whatever: *pointing and laughing*

-me when I realize it means he's gonna go make danny's life hell for it somehow: >:(

-SCOOBY PARODY!!! I feel like there's gotta be some scooby doo/danny phantom crossover stuff, right? also, 'guys in white' men in black wishes

-'oh, that's right! dad married the love of your life! you're bitter and alone!' DANNNNNYY GET HIS ASS ONCE AGAIN WE ARE POINTING AND LAUGHING AT VLAD

-'jack, you captured the ghost boy!!' UMM. he did nothing <3 'we have a weapon's vault??' YOU HAVE A WEAPONS VAULT??? and jack didnt put a handle on the inside. of fucking course he didnt! why would you leave that to your son!! or expect him to clean YOUR LAB when its where you work with probably dangerous chemicals and weapons and hes 14!! give him normal chores, like, I dunno, vacuuming, laundry, dishes...CMON. I hate it here. But I'm glad Jack is more chill about danny while he's a ghost, and willing to work with him for this ep. AND. I DID ENJOY JACK PUNCHING VLAD IN THE FACE. AND GENERALLY JUST OWNING HIM. the ghost punchy fists are actually amazing. like yeah, just punch a ghost in the face. that rules.

-ep 20 opens with the coolest fucking ghost lady design. her tattoos can come off and fight. MA'AM. I like ur nose ring and your cape maam hello 👉👈😳

-sam's grandma is hilarious and the most valid member of her family and I love her. thats my grandma now. and tucker covering for sam by dressing as her. thats true friendship <3 also skipping school to go to a goth circus. just bestie things! sam's parents are haters but for all the wrong reasons.

-'my family has controlled ghosts with this for generations!' WAIT. WAIT FREAKSHOW /ISNT/ A GHOST? I didn't expect that...he's just a fucked up guy controlling ghosts? anyway watching danny shoot at police cars and rob banks while mind controlled. its like, the most stereotypical 'bad' things lmao. (tbh an evil ghost circus troupe is a sick concept)

this gives off big deviantart emo edit vibes

(I'm going to assume evil circus reaper danny has a lot of fan content. people love an edgy au, except this one is canon (even tho its via mind control...having the protag go evil otherwise might be hard, I guess?) but au where he stays with the troupe...that has to exist, right?)

ANYWAY. excited to start s2!! lowkey surprised by how many notes some of these posts have gotten. I've gone back and tagged them all with 'dp thoughts' so they're easier to find on my blog! ^^ and I will probably possibly do (more) fanart on my art blog after I finish the watch of the whole show, so like. @sanchoyodraws follow my art blog :)

[sickassastrology]

What made you different? 🥸

This is a general reading for the collective. This read is about your person you have in mind. Remember that because it is general it will not resonate with everyone. So take what sticks. Your free to choose whatever pile you feel. Heck, there could be little messages in all the piles. Time is fluid and we all have free will. So things can play out at anytime or maybe not at all. Follow your heart always. -E 💙🌻

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Pile 1 🍒🍒🍒

Greetings pile 1, the classy crew with the rider Waite deck. let's get into it. I'm getting whoever this was misused you when they had you. I heard the line from Jackson 5 I want you back. when I had you to myself i didn't want you around, those pretty faces always made you stand out in the crowd". With this group I'm feeling like what made you different to this person was that you had it going on. you had a lot going for yourself. and you didn't share that with just anyone. your riches. your glory. whether it was your body, money, time, energy. whatever the case was...you were selective in who you gave to. you are an attractive energy and human pile 1. and you know it too. 😜 confident. I'm getting the energy of I have a lot going for me, and I'm not going to just be out in these streets. my money is good, I look good, I feel good. It took a lot for you to get there and so you won't share that with anyone & everyone. and then....you gave it to this person and decided to act a fool, right? lol isn't it always like that. this person saw you as being able to take care of yourself, even when it was a lot. im getting heavily that some of yall have family members or siblings (big on the siblings) that you take care of. you are the parental figure to them. you had a lot of responsibilities, and yet you were still like a breathe of fresh air. you still knew how to smile. mature. you always smiled in the mist of sadness. and you meant it too, like it wasn't just a mask. it was like "I still have something to smile about in life. my flowers still grow. there's happiness all around me." you still knew how to give to this person. managing the connection even with your own stuff going on. and they admired that about you. when things got tough you remained calm. never too out of control. you handled each situation how it came and for what it was. although you told this person about your life, you NEVER made it burdensome to them. like that's my life, but we are separate from that. and this person was acting stupid. I see a few of yall into the occult too. and that definitely makes you different, doesnt it lol. but you don't mind it and didn't hide it because it's who you are. when you saw there was sneaky behavior going on, you left. you used your intuition to guide you. and now, this person does have a lot to give and will give it but if I screw them over they will bounce out. you are not the one to do an unfair relationship. I'm seeing this person got caught cheating on their phone. like you saw some hidden text messages. I also heard "nude" like nude photos you found. this person was doing too much. and you were like no it's not fair. and it was like they didn't care. they were only sorry they got caught. they see you are strong, know who you are, know your worth, and you won't bow down to anyone. and that's on purrrr! it hurts you, but you know your special and you are a gift to somebody out there. so if you have to leave, then bye. you'll see why I'm special later on. and this hurts but you know how to keep pushing forward. and your person is just like, omg how are they doing this, how are they still okay!? pile 1, your energy is so beautiful 😍. its very tranquil. and im not saying that you never get upset or anything like that but there is a peace about you. like it didn't work out. okay, cool. I'll just keep working on my life, taking care of me and mine. and best of luck to them, ya know? I see you did love them, like them a lot. but that's the way the cookie crumbles. and tbh, pile 1 I feel you'll be better off without this person anyway. like you'll be happier being a lone, find somebody else, or just keep taking care of business. so many blessings to you all, you deserve wonderful things. ❤

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PILE 2 🥠🥠🥠

Hi pile 2, so while I was shuffling I heard likeable. so your very easygoing and charming im getting. this pile is nurturing, motherly. I get the energy of "ill lick your wounds for you so you don't have to". Ouuuu a healer. I see. (make sure that people don't try to get over on you, because they will try it)! You are a kind person. I'm getting friendly to everyone around. This pile is let's make love, not war. You don't like to agrue much. This person could have been a fireball and you just put their fire ALLLL the way out lol. I feel like some of yall worked with this person or around them. and there would be competition around you, and they would try so hard to get your persons attention. like look at me!! trying real hard. and then there you were like " I'm just here, doing me". you weren't trying to stand out. and they looked right at your ass too. 😂😂 Pile 2, you are almost too loving for your own good, aren't cha. 🥰 you love life. you showed this person a different way of living, like just go with the flow. but you weren't reckless. if you did go out or drink. I'm feeling like a festival or winery type. you showed this person that life is fun. you are a true free spirit. you don't let a lot of life's qualms bother you. this group is very natural. humanitarian. I heard the word garden. this pile is the type that give to the less fortunate. I'm seeing a person on the street and like you'll give them money, food, or whatever it is with no second thought. very "here you are. be blessed". and this person was in awe of that type of generosity. because this world doesn't have people like that. you weren't doing it for attention. you are a G-I-V-E-R. Tbh, with this pile I'm really feeling like you have a gift to help people, but I'm not sure that you even know that yet. you think that's just how you are. but i see you really doing things with the community. know your purpose you all, because its so important. you are balanced. Yes you are such a giving person. BUT you will hold back IF needed. you know when to hold em & fold em. that's you. you just don't have to try hard. I'm getting your person wears a mask to fit in. you do nothing, you can get somebody's attention without doing much of anything really. you love life and you give life into others. into earth. the seas. skies. heavens. whatever it is, you give life to it. this pile is an empress. very divine feminine. *(remember tarot have NO gender, it is only energy)* you'd make a good parent if you had children. *as I said that, I heard I don't want kids but I have fur babies*. 😂 okay so you take care of your pets as your little babies. we love them too. 🐾🐾 this group wishes good on other people. as I was pulling your oracle. the card purpose slips right from my hands. and it reads. purpose: I know what I am here to do. didn't I say this group fits in to a bigger picture. find the reason you are on this earth, do not waste another minute because you will feed so much life into other people. earth angels. 🥰 beautiful. pride: I love myself and see myself in everyone. and gratitude: I am thankful for life and the opportunity it presents. come through pile 2! confirmation again. I just said you love the life you live. the pride you have is almost humble. it's like you like yourself. the good. bad. ugly. and there's no better way to be. and that's why they like you! heck, I like you 😂 so awesome. let your light shine.

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PILE 3 🥦🥦🥦

Pile 3, whatsup!? How are yall feeling? So right off. This is more about your mindset pile 3. your intellect. this person valued your decision making. you moved very carefully when it came to other people. they would come to you and ask about somebody. and you could look and examine and tell if that person was okay or had some type of ill intent. umm....intuitive much? you are a very wise person. you listen a lot to your gut, even if you have to sleep on it. your going to go with what you feel. you knew how to get work done but you still made time for the connection too. I'm getting that some of you have an important job or school that takes up time BUT you knew when to be silly and take breaks too. I'm feeling like you and this person had really goody times together. snapchat filters and silly faces 🤪😂. you are a very determined person. when things get hard or you fail. you never stop trying until you succeed. but you pace yourself, never tire yourself out. sheer determination from yall. love it. there's a lot of power in that. this group loves gathering information. reading. tv. listening. however you gained it, you shared it with your person and other people. a teacher. you actually made this person become better when you spoke to them. it challenged them. you also had a quirkiness about you. I'm getting you had hidden talents about yourself that were really random 😂. but your person loved it. you all pulled the empathy card. it reads: I am open to seeing both sides of the situation. again yall, you really know how to read people. use this to your advantage and get in touch with yourself. Tbh, if you tap in...you can sense auras. if you can't already! 💫🔮

********************************************************

I have to say, every single one of you are special. each of these piles possess such unique abilities and talents. bless you all. not to say your perfect by any means. but beautiful works in progress. so whether or not these connections work out or your person comes back. you matter. you don't need to change what beauty inside yourself. keep growing. keep challenging yourself. don't compromise. your worth it. so climb to the highest mountain top and scream. "I AM WHO I AM. I AM WORTHY. AND BEAUTIFULLLLL". bless. -E 💙🌻

[rant-2-me]

My mental state has just worsened over the days, though I'm not sure why, and I just feel so unmotivated and lacking any energy to practice any self care other than napping, and also feel anxious because I'm not studying enough.. feel like I'm just 1/4th assing my responsibilities.. And when someone asks me how I'm doing, sometimes I blurt out that I'm not fine, and the guilt I feel afterwards for making them worry, so I find myself withdrawing from initiating conversation with them, even though I really want to, and this makes them worry about me more.. I just don't know anything anymore, everything feels too much, yet I can't rant in a clear conscience without feeling guilty for bothering them, and thinking how I don't deserve to complain because they have had so much worse (yes I know pain is relative, but I feel so horrible, like a whiny child, who doesn't know how to be content with her blessings)......

Sorry I know it's a lot.. feel free to delete it if it's triggering or making you uncomfortable in any way... I just needed to get it out..

My lovely nonnie, im so, so glad you sent this ask. and got it all out of your system. yeah this sounds cheesy but like ive been there, with not knowing how to reach out—im proud you had the courage to send this ask. girlboss vibes.

also this ask took a while to answer and im so so sorry about that, but I didnt want to do anything less than the best for you, so let's just jump right in <[:)

Lacking motivation, god I've been there, but doing self care is super super important so here is a how-to, hon.

How to do selfcare when you’re not motivated to:

1. Be a little “gross.”

Gross is in quotes because it’s so subjective, but you undoubtedly have a few behaviors you consider kind of gross regardless. Now’s the time to do them without judgment. For me, that’s meant showering less, eating weird food combos (sometimes in bed), and letting my brows and mustache grow magnificently unruly. For you, it could mean doing something you normally judge yourself for or cutting back on activities you only do for the benefit of others. Now is not the time to allow “socially acceptable” behaviors to rule you.

2. Eat whatever the hell you want.

This should be a rule always, but I’m not going to pretend there aren’t societal, social, and personal pressures that go into why we eat what we eat. Try to shut down the voice that judges or polices what you’re eating right now. We’re in the middle of a goddamn pandemic. If dinner has to be some slices of cheese and deli meat eaten in front of the open fridge, so be it. If you have a lot of cravings and are snacking more than you normally would, cool. If pre-pandemic you decided you were going to stick to a certain meal plan and it’s just not happening anymore? Don’t beat yourself up.

Yes, what we eat is connected to our mental health, and I don’t want to discount that—but if the stress of eating healthfully is making you feel like crap anyway, whether that’s because you can’t fathom cooking or don’t have the means to shop for certain foods during isolation, just eat the sleeve of Oreos and try again another day. It’s okay.

3. And wear whatever you want.

Or, more realistically, wear whatever you can. Even if it means wearing the same ratty sweatpants for a whole week. Or month. Maybe you started all this out aspiring to get dressed every day to work from home productively, or maybe you have a whole collection of comfortable loungewear you feel guilty for not utilizing. Whatever arbitrary rules and expectations you’ve set for yourself, you can throw them out.

On the other hand, maybe you need to quiet the voice that tells you there’s no point in getting dressed or feeling presentable. If it helps, by all means, play with your look, wear awesome or weird outfits, do your hair and makeup or whatever activity might feel a little silly given your current reality. In the middle of a pandemic, nothing is a waste of time if it makes you feel good.

4. Use shortcuts to avoid creating chores.

In my first week or so of working entirely from home, I was baffled by just how messy my apartment got. How on earth were so many messes piling up when I wasn’t even doing anything but working, sleeping, and eating? I hadn’t realized it, but a lot of my small tidying routines had become casualties to the pandemic. And, it turns out, slacking on the little ways I pick up after myself every day (such as doing the dishes right after I use them) added up quickly.

Instead of forcing myself to stick to the same levels of tidiness that I used to maintain, I’ve found shortcuts. For example, I use paper plates and plastic cutlery when I feel too fatigued to wash dishes so they don’t sit in the sink for days on end. Or I stick to the same two “outfits” to avoid clothes piling up when I’m too depressed to put them away every day. If you can find a small way to go easy on yourself, even if it feels a little wasteful or indulgent or gross, it’s okay to tap into those shortcuts right now.

5. Be kind to yourself if your place is messy or dirty.

I won’t lie: I’m someone whose space impacts my mental health a lot. Typically, keeping my apartment clean helps keep my mental health in check and letting my apartment get gross makes me feel worse. That’s still true in a lot of ways, but to adapt I’ve been trying to be mindful and accepting of where I’m at. And it’s…helped?

It turns out that taking the pressure off does a lot to mitigate the guilt and some of the other negative mental health effects I usually experience. In practice, it involves a lot of talking to myself. Instead of seeing my apartment turning into a depression cave and immediately thinking, “Oh, God, I need to clean up, this is so disgusting, I’m a monster for living like this, of course I feel depressed,” I go for kindness. I think (or even say out loud because, well, desperate times), “Of course my apartment is a mess right now. I’ll get to it when I get to it. I can handle the mess for now.”

6. Accept your new sleep schedule.

idk anyone whose sleep hasn’t been screwed in some way by all of this. Anxiety, depression, fatigue, pent-up energy from sheltering in place, tech use, new work responsibilities, screwy schedules…pretty much every aspect of our new reality can impact our sleep. Some people are sleeping a lot more, some are sleeping a lot less, and some are cycling through both extremes. Oh, and the temptation of naps! It’s all there.

Trying to maintain a healthy sleep schedule during all of this is a worthy endeavor—and more power to you if you’ve figured out how—but there’s a good chance that it feels impossible.

By “accepting” your new sleep schedule, I don’t mean pretending it doesn’t suck; I mean doing what you can to be gentle on yourself about it. For me, acceptance has looked like watching some comfort tv and reading my favourite books at 2 a.m. instead of staying in bed and anxiety-spiraling about how I can’t sleep. Is it ideal? No way. But I’m not going to waste energy stressing about something I currently can’t control.

7. Give yourself plenty of room to do absolutely nothing.

I’ve given myself permission to do a whole lot of nothing. That includes getting rid of the pressure to be productive and practice self-care, yes, but in a broader sense, it also means not forcing myself to actively “adjust” every day.

Some days, I just need to do nothing but feel my feelings. Or avoid feeling my feelings. Or stare at the ceiling. Give yourself space to do (or not do) whatever you need to.

also, nonnie? my love?

Never feel guilty about telling someone who cares about you when you don’t feel okay.

People who genuinely care about you—and I’m sure they are many—will care if you aren’t feeling good, there are always going to be people who care about you, who want you to be okay, that’s why they ask, why people make rant, why “how are you?” is such a common question.

But if you do need to talk, but you feel like you’ll “burden” people who you do talk to, here’s a guide to ranting.

Guide to ranting:

1. Pick the right person. Someone who’s in the right headspace to listen to you, you could also pick someone who cares about you—if you’re anxiety tells you nobody cares about you, pick someone who “should” care about you in your relationship, e.g: a friend you’ve had for a long time, a friend who’s told a few of their problems, or friend you might not feel close with, but seems very kindhearted and a good listener.

2. Pick the right time to talk to them, so you can have their undivided attention. If they are busy—as most people will be with something—they’ll have a hard time giving you good advice and listening to you. Ask them when they are free, and then ask them:

3. “hey, can we talk? I’m not mad or you or anything, it’s just that I have been not feeling great, and I just want to rant to someone about it.” and “No pressure to say yes, you might have your own stuff to do deal with.” to make sure they are the right person to talk to.

4. It’s ok to test the waters. Start slowly, you don’t have to share everything at once if you don’t want to.

5. You never know how your friend will react to what you say.While you can’t know how they’ll react, just remember that sometimes people’s initial reactions may come from a place of shock, surprise or not knowing what to say. Their initial reaction isn’t always their longerterm reaction, it may just take them a little time to process.

6. Look for ways to take action. Don’t get me wrong, ranting can be amazing for you, but on its own may not solve your problem.

But maybe venting to people isn’t for you. No matter! There are other ways to get out emotions:

Ways to rant without talking to anyone

1. Cry it out— simple and rewarding. When the baggage is just too heavy to carry cry it out. It can help you ease the pressure and ease your mind to think straight after days of holding that frustration in.

2. Work out — easy and fun. tire yourself out and release all the frustration in working out! This is going to be so satisfying for you as you try and punch, kick, balance, lift, and breathe those frustrations away.

3. Clean & rearrange — practical and can be fun. we get frustrated by so many things and one thing that can truly help clear our minds is to have a clean place where we can stay and live for the moment to breathe. Clean your room, rearrange your things and you’ll be surprised by the satisfaction this brings — a signal of a new beginning.

4. Scribble — simple and fun. Make scribbles, doodles, drawings, take a pen or a pencil, and let go. It does not have to be “good” art or professional at all. Just draw whatever comes to heart, sunflowers or clouds or rainbows—anything.

5. Write it down — fun and simple. Let those words out of your head and just live in the moment.

How to fight the lack of motivation.

1. Don't fight the lack of motivation.

If you feel down or unable to muster tons of energy, let it be ok. Be easy on yourself and acknowledge that it's ok to have a dip, especially at this time of the year.

2. Once you have accepted your slump, get to the bottom of it.

Ask yourself, "What is the root cause of this sluggish feeling?" Go deeper than the obvious reasons. Is it related to work? Your personal life? Relationships? It might also just be the weather. Get clear on what areas of your life you're feeling the most resistance.

3. Dig into that area. What is not ideal about this aspect of your life? What would make it better?

Make a list of how you'd like your current situation to improve--and be specific. If you truly can't find a reason to be less than enthusiastic, then accept your feelings and let them pass with time.

4. Take your list of what is missing and go through it.

What is holding you back from being able to create the things that are missing in your life?

5. Get support for creating the life you want.

Do some research and find an expert to help you. Even though they love you, friends and family aren't objective enough, and they tend to give advice that is a reflection of their own life and insecurities.

6. Think of current habits that are contributing to a less-than-ideal life.

Maybe it's fear, laziness, or not having enough confidence. Pick one to focus on.

7. Address this habit over the next 2 months.

They say it takes 28 days to create a new habit, but this varies from person to person. If you focus on it for two months, you are sure to build the neural pathways needed to call it a new way of being.

8. Buy a book, read articles or do some research on this particular behavior or feeling.

Read about the common causes of this habit as well as the proven ways to bust through and work around it.

9. Create a plan around shifting your current habit.

Make sure that changing this habit ultimately helps you move forward in the area of your life that is not ideal. The energy from clarity, awareness and then action will immediately get you feeling more motivated, no matter what.

10. When all else fails: make a list of activities that excite you, and do one of them right now.

Talk to a fun friend, dance around at home, workout, watch a funny YouTube video, tackle something on your to-do list. Accomplishing something will give you a hit of dopamine in your brain. If you're too overwhelmed by your day, sit for five minutes and meditate. Put on some soothing music and breathe.

okay, that's all nonnie, I hope you feel the lust for life in your lungs, please have all my love, i hope this helped, this ask took a while, but it was worth if it helps

and if you need to dont worry to send another ask, if you like spam the inbox!! queen!!!

take care, much love my sweet honey, bye <3

—*putting daisies in your hair as they leave* mod peppermint <[:)

[anakinthetrashking]

Ok, so you reblogged my post about bnha fic recs and I also looked through the ones you linked and I LOVED THEM. If its alright to ask, would you happen to have more Protective Aizawa or possibly Dadmic or Protective Present Mic? Also Protective Midnight or Momnight? Only if you have! Thanks! -bnhastanning

I somehow stupidly lost my reply to this ask, not once, but TWICE. at the end, when i was almost done. im so sorry but this will be the crappiest version yet... (also! hello, fellow batfam fan... *spiderman pointing meme*)

I read a lot of fic and i loooooove sharing them with people, so thanks for giving me an excuse to do this!! :D

lots of fics, so im putting them under the read more! One of these days I’ll get around to making more organized fic rec posts...

Dadmic: only a couple, and tbh i think they have more dadzawa in them?? Secondary Colors by NaoNazo

"You got pushed down the stairs... and you're apologizing for it," he stated blandly. "That seems counterintuitive." "Um... sorry?" Izuku whispered. He was starting to shake a little, adrenaline flooding his veins and leaving him cold. He had no idea what Purple was going for with his blunt statements and the hand reaching toward his shoulder as if to steady him, but apologizing was generally safe. "You don't have to apologize, dude. I don't know your name, but I doubt it's actually Deku." "Um. Midoriya." Izuku peered sideways at Purple as they rounded the corner. "Izuku Midoriya. Deku is just, um, just what my... friends call me." He winced. "Sounds real friendly."

and Cat Days by Griffinrose

Izuku has a shapeshifting quirk. He's not the best at controlling it, especially under stress. So when tragedy strikes and he gets lost in the city, he's stuck as a cat. At least he found a nice underground hero to take him in?

Pied Piper by Blackholeca has some really great concerned Dadmic in recent chapters!!

If they wouldn’t give him a chance then the solution seemed simple, he’d give himself one. He’d force the world to see him, force them to recognize his hard work. He wasn’t missing a quirk, it was simply that everyone else had been given an advantage. He wasn’t broken, or useless, or incapable, and he’d prove it by outrunning all of them, he who was quirkless, he who had started in last.

As for momnight, there are also only a couple, and im also not caught up with these either. i have a little bit more of an excuse with these, as Indefinite by OwlF45 is really REALLY long, as well as intense. Worth the read though! I just gotta catch up! So much mindblowing stuff in that, and the Momnight is really sweet.

It comes with the package deal of a once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. Midoriya gets another chance at life, but he must throw it away when that dreaded day comes. After all, a life for nineteen is more than a fair trade.

Or: the world will rise or fall, and it depends on one boy protecting Class 1-A to prevent the inevitable.

The other Momnight one I have is A Single Reason by TheDeepSeaWitch. Also really good, but really intense and I’ve had to take a break because I was getting a bit depressed, whoops. But I liked it!

Training begins the next day, and doesn’t stop for any reason. They wait for heroes, then for police, then for anyone to save them, but nobody comes.

It’s only a month before Izuku forgets their names. It’s a year before he forgets his own.

It’s only a chance meeting with an impassioned soul eight long, painful years later that saves them.

---------------------------------

They thought they were lost forever, that there was no future out there for them with their scars so visible and the blood on their hands still pungent and red. But if they have the strength to try, then perhaps, one day, they may yet find their forgiveness, and rediscover themselves along the way.

The Reforming Villains AU nobody asked for.

For Dadzawa:

Flare Signal by achievingelsium, of course! Annie writes some of my absolute fav dadzawa content, so definitely check it out!!

AU. Midoriya Izuku shouldn't be surprised he ended up like this: hiding the secret of One for All from his own father, the notorious villain Dragon. The path to being a hero is a hard one.

Or; Izuku is an aspiring hero forced to work for his father’s villain organization. Then he runs into All Might.

Izuku Ya’broker by Dreamillusions, is a fic i loved a LOT.

Perhaps you should actually listen to the news every once in a while, so you wouldn't end up in these kinds of situations. What kinds of situations? Glad you asked. Look at Izuku, for example. You would think Izuku would be at home after school, safe and sound from anyone attempting to, you know, kill him. But no, Izuku decided to roam around. Because of a bet. This is the kind of a situation you shouldn't end up in. Don't be Izuku.

Butterfly by aconstantstateofbladerunner, is rightfully popular! It has some horror/suspense themes though, so if thats not your style, try one of Blade’s other fics!! She’s a seriously good writer.

The first over-night trip off campus since the training camp was supposed to be a fun break from more intense work back home.  But between a bleak introduction to chaos theory, a chilly reception from the locals, and the looming threat of a villain attack, Izuku has too much on his mind to properly enjoy the fresh air.  But those worries are a light breeze compared to the hurricane that accompanies what he finds on the outskirts of town.

Or rather, what finds him.

A House Divided Against Itself by BeyondTheClouds777, another one of my fav fics by a great writer!

"Become a villain," they said.

“I’ll be a villain,” he said.

He lied. He’s only there so he can tear apart the League of Villains from the inside out.

The scars we carry by Banana_Ink is a great AU with plenty of Dadzawa

Aizawa rescued Izuku from the league of villains and takes care of the child for now. Izuku has two quirks in this AU, one natural - Forced Quirk Activation - and one that AFO 'gifted' him with - Self-Heal. He has a pretty big handprint-scar on his face and started as a problem child, scared and wary of people. But Aizawa managed to help him slowly heal.

This AU is just some silly little thing I came up in my freetime and like to add to it as I go, so I don't have a plan at all. Mostly I write for fun so I hope you might enjoy this as well :D

Ticked Off by Xenolis is a fic that I just want to rec all the time,,, for some reason...

~ ON HIATUS/OCCASIONAL UPDATES ~ Midoriya Izuku attracted trouble. It was just a fact of life – the sky was blue, the grass was green, and Izuku constantly found himself in an absurd number of deadly situations. He was okay with that. Mortal peril was an average Tuesday afternoon for a Pro Hero like him. Being kidnapped was practically a holiday. Saving civilians as a building collapsed around him was easier than facing his worried mum afterwards. He had dealt with All Might's disappointed dad stare and only cried for two hours afterwards. A serial killing villain with an unknown Quirk would be no problem! ..but even Izuku had to admit that being sent back in time to his first day at UA wasn't on the agenda. Still, there was no-one more spitefully determined than him – he was going to make the most of it. Yeah, good luck, heroes and villains alike! Deku was here to cause mischief and love his friends!

Toward A Bright Future by LazyRainDancer holds a special, soft place in my heart. I always want to go reread it after watching the show and I always want to rewatch the show after reading it. it never ends

You wake up at UA, the highest ranked hero school in the country, with no recollection of how you got there. Unfortunately, those aren't the only memories you're missing. Still, you can't let a little amnesia get in the way of you warning the school about the attack you know will happen during Class 1-A's field trip to the USJ. After you deliver your warning, you're beyond shocked when the principal offers you a position as a TA for Class 1-A. You accept the position in hopes that you'll be able to use your Quirk to help protect the students. It'll be far from easy, but you're determined to do whatever it takes to change the students' future for the better.

The rest don’t really have Dadzawa? But theyre really good so I had to rec them anyway

once forgotten, twice removed by blueh, good writer for multiple fandoms

“Yes,” All for One agreed. “This will be the final resting place of All Might.” “You,” Midoriya Izuku said and paused, thinking over the words. He sounded taken aback. “You want me to help fight All Might.” “Of course,” All for One nodded along. “I can offer you double of whatever my counterpart is paying you currently, along with anything your little heart could desire. Of course, you would get to help out drastically—" “Did you happen to check what world you were pulling me out of when you did this?” Midoriya Izuku interrupted and it was said in such an incredulous tone that had the situation not been as critical as it was, All Might would have laughed. Also known as: number one hero Deku has been through a lot of things, but being thrust into an alternate reality where he’s All for One’s Successor is a first.  He has to navigate this world when his alternate self is a villain dead-set on killing him and all of this version of class 1-A. All the while, his friends search desperately for a way to get him back.

Office Space by Caelismylife quirkless izuku gets a job at UA analyzing quirks, HECK YES

It took a little time, but he eventually found himself with a job at UA. The revolving door of heroes was not in the contract.

To Repair with Gold by TitleUnwanted FEEEEELS

AU. Sticks and stones may break my bones but words will never hurt me, biggest lie in the world. Tattoos, which appeared when quirks did, are when a person feels an impact on something they are told and it becomes inked on their body, the closer they show to your heart the deeper the impact it has on the person.

For Izuku this is a blessing and a curse.

An Accident at Workstudy by Galactic_Jax been enjoying this one!

Izuku is working hard to prove himself at his work study, but it's hard when Sir Nighteye has made it clear he's not wanted. But what happens when Izuku is caught in a villain attack on his way to the agency? Will a few revelations about his most recent intern's past be enough for Sir Nighteye to change his mind about All Might's successor?

Nice to Meet You? by Allwalkfree didn’t know i needed this until i read it           

Kirishima introduces Bakugou to his favorite senpai. In which over several encounters Bakugou and Amajiki learn to become tentative friends.

A Study in Firsts by Oceanbreeze7 dorm shenanigans AND feels

There’s a first time for everything. The first time everyone crammed in Momo’s room to study, a mess of limbs and books on her bed. The first time Mina burned crepes so badly the smoke alarm went off. The first time a jumpscare got Sero so badly, he flipped off the back of the couch. The first time Uraraka fell asleep at the table and accidentally sent it floating. The first time someone realized Todoroki walked far too quietly, and far too cautiously around the dorms to be normal. The first time Midoriya broke his toe on a door frame and kept walking through it. The first time Kirishima woke up screaming through the walls. The first time Tsuyu blanched at the sight of a needle. The first time Bakugo dropped, clutching the back of his neck with eyes scarily vacant and detonating everything around him until Aizawa had to intervene. It wasn’t always pretty, but the dorms were filled with firsts.

Hero Class Civil Warfare by Roguedruid extremely satisfying to read

Heroes lead by Bakugo. Villains lead by Midoriya. Seven days prep time. Three days for Izuku Midoriya to show why they should be glad he's not a real villain.

A Fleeting Smile by AnonymousTwit good bakugou content

Or a collection of fifteen Bakusquad one shots where someone outside of the Bakusquad catches a rare glimpse of a friendlier side of Bakugou Katsuki, and one time that is specifically reserved for the four people that he hates the least.

Hope this gives you something to work with!!! I have more(and am always adding) in my bookmarks on AO3, but this should be a good start! Hopefully you’ll find at least one that you love! have a great day!!!! -Ani <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

[iveonlyeverseenliketwoanimes]

Manga Spoilers ahead :)

So when the new chapters came out I, like many others, was a little annoyed at this whole concept of Deku magically having a bunch of new quirks. I understand that it's been established from the beginning that One For All works as this whole ‘passing on of power’ - but I always understood it as more of an energy than actual individual quirks (and the content given thus far seemed to support this). That said now that is turning out to be the latter, it isn’t something that's caught me off-guard and it very much does make sense and I don’t think it’s ‘Lazy writing’ on Hori’s part, it just hasn’t been explained up until now and if we had learnt how One For All worked all in one single episode at the start of the series I think it wouldn't be as fun of a journey.

One of my main concerns with what's happening is this whole idea of Deku becoming some all-powerful God that no-one can beat, because, lets face it, as powerful as characters like Bakugou and Todoroki are, i don’t think even they would be able to compare to a guy that has a combined total of like 7 quirks, all of which have been cultivated into one massive super-quick that has been held by the former number 1 Pro Hero, so is clearly very powerful. 

So that got me thinking. Why would this happen? Why would a show, that up until now, has been very good with balancing the power levels of its quirks suddenly do a full 180 and just be like ‘Oh yes lil broccoli boi and his rabbit costume can now become God and just breathe in the general direction of his opponents in order to win’?

So, I have a couple points I’d just like to discuss. Feel free to add on anything or challenge my views, im just doing this because im bored and trying to rationalise the decisions in a show made for teenage boys.

So first of i think some people are being a lil bit dramatic about this current arc, sure it’s not perfect and I too wish that some things had played out differently, but at the end of the day it’s not my show/manga and tbh if the guy who made me fall in love with this show to begin with decides he wants to take it in a new direction then let him, he has every right to do what he wants regardless of what i, or anyone else, think and i put my trust in his hands and hope that he can pull this off. Furthermore, are we forgetting that Todoroki exists? The guy has not one, but 2, of the most powerful quirks i think i person could get. His dad is the current number 1 hero and HALF of Todorki’s power is the same as his (sure his maybe works a lil different but my statement stands). Now Ice and Fire, in my opinion, are two very powerful quirks, i mean at like 15/16 the kid took down a dozen or so villans and nearly stopped Nomu (With half his power and with no real training from UA). We compare that to what Deku has and i still think Todoroki has a fighting chance in a match against Deku because these quirks Deku is getting aint all that to be honest, some people are acting like Deku now has; super strength, super speed, telekinesis, can see into the future, mind control, laser eyes, the ability to fully heal on the spot etc. spoiler: He doesn’t. He’s getting some pretty average quirks that will still probably make him top of the class, but not unbeatable. I think some of you are a lil dramatic, and hey i get it, i said at the start i was too, so i feel ya. So, i guess my first point is that some of us need to calm down and maybe just wait until we get more details on the whole situation before we get out our pitchforks and start burning down the fandom over a couple chapters that haven't been fully explored yet. 

My second point that actually has more to do with the plot and less about fandom drama is going back to Bakugou and Todoroki, so my initial thought when everything was happening was “ Bakugou and Todoroki are the other strong members of the class and Deku is now way more powerful than them, how will they ever beat him?” but now actually thinking about it, what does that have to do with anything? Like sure the show is centred around the whole school system and the magical friendships we’re making along the way, but like, Deku’s end goal here isn't to send Todoroki and Bakugou to their graves, they’re just class rivals, and while they do fight, it’ s not to actually kill each other - its to train. Now i’m just going to make a big ol’ assumption here based on basic human nature, but when you train with someone vs when you are actually fighting a villain in a life and death scenario, i don't think you’re going to be fighting at the same effort level. Todoroki vs Deku and Bakugou vs Todoroki were great fights (or at least they were in my opinion) but you compare them to the UA kids vs Stain and you have two very different circumstances and the fights we’re very different for obvious reasons. One was to win a silly little medal and bragging rights. One was to save a friend from literally being murdered by some Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle lookin’ dude with no nose. I don’t really think Deku’s new powers will affect the class stuff too much, it’s been established that both Todoroki and Bakugo are more powerful and Deku already and the three of them will never go all out vs each other anyway. So basically my point here is that Bakugou and Todoroki aren’t Deku’s endgame - they’re Deku’s rivals and they’ll be around the whole time, but they’re not Deku’s Villian. So this idea that Deku is now the Number 1 is the clas, while true, really doesn’t matter because Deku is still... Deku and he wants to save people more than he wants to kill them or prove he is the best.

Now children, who is Deku’s Villian? any guesses? Oh yeah, it’s my boy Shiggy (AKA Tomura Shigaraki, AKA Tenko Shimura, AKA Crusty, AKA Get this man some lip balm). Now then. So we have our lil Deku, a young boy of just 16 who has been blessed with 300 new magical quirks (well it's more like 6/7 but that's beside the point here). But who else do we know that probably does actually maybe, kinda, definitely, literally, but also i don't really know, but i think, DOES HAVE 300 QUIRKS?!? It’s none other than Shigaraki’s Master, Mr suit, tie and no face, All For One. Now in one of the recent episodes of the Anime, All Might questions why All For One wants/needs a successor, to which he gives a lil giggle, chats some shit and basic says he wants someone to pass on his legacy to, in the same way that All Might has with Deku. Now I couldn’ t find this exact conversation in the Manga so it might be that the Anime went a lil off script here for drama and whatnot, but when i heard this i was convinced that this meant All For One is going to somehow transfer his quirk into Shigaraki (or maybe take over Shigarakis body or some other nasty stuff - in this world anything is possible), this is also kinda supported by All For One giving a lil giggle to the concept of him being ‘ locked up for the rest of his days’ - the guy clearly thinks he is going to get out and i highly doubt that his current state will allow for him the fight Deku, i certainly do not want to see the lil green troll doll fight a crippled elderly man, but i would like to see him fight a handsome, young, slightly anti-social, gamer nerd. 

So we make it to the end of my lil tale, Deku needs to have all these quirks because his Endgame is Shigaraki and Shigaraki might also be getting a power upgrade in the future and it makes sense, as i don't think some green lightning sparks will defeat some grand-evil mastermind with the powers of all that's evil in this world.... but some black beams that can wrap around stuff might...?

Anyways, i wrote this over the span of two hours, its midnight and i did minimal research into this theory... BUt HEY ITS JUST A THEORY! A GAME ANIME THEORY! And im probably wrong about all of it and also im so sorry for all the sarcastic comments throughout this, i couldn’t contain myself. Im now going to sleep for the next 10 hours because this stressed me out :)

If you’d like to see more of my rambles then heres one on Hori’s female characters

[oathkeeper-of-tarth]

Some “Swordsmithing For Beginners And Experts” replies!

Tumblr really doesn’t seem to want me to reply to post and reblog comments, but here are some long overdue ones, as best as I could manage. Thank you all so much! As I’ve said before, this fic was kind of a big deal for me personally for a variety of reasons, so engagement with it really makes me happy - especially since, in my experience anyway, Bismuth-centric and Bismuth-heavy content tends to overall get a somewhat lower amount of activity.

tymp3st replied:

Ahhhhhhhh This was great, just Pearl and Bismuth and the huge divide between what was and what can be. That distance between them when Bismuth was brought back again and how quickly they start patching it up again. This is so sweet.

The distance and the patching up was something I really wanted to have work in that last big segment, so I’m really glad to hear this. These two and their relationship steeped in a shared complicated and often burdensome but also valued history is something I really love, and loved exploring here, and I especially loved giving them that promise of a future, they deserve it so much.

dontmindmeoverherejustreblogging replied:

That’s gay!! And incredible

Thank you! I am glad I was able to accomplish both.

@earthsgayestdefender replied:

#OATHHHH AAAA #IM CRY8NG AND I LOVE YOU AND I LOVE THIS SO SI SO MUCH #EVERYTHING I EVER WANTED IN A BISPEARL FIC

#iLL LEAVE MORE COMMEBTS IN AO3 TOMORROW BC ITS 1 AM BUT NO REGRETS READING THIS

You left me a whole entire novel and hit the AO3 comment character limit twice, I love you, bless. I still need to go through the whole thing and reply properly, bit by bit, because it’s an absolute GIFT and a fic writer’s dream, but I have to highlight:

Agreed. Co-signed. Valid.

@ohtakudesu replied:

#Bispearl   #HI I LOVE THIS AND AM DECEASED   #spent the last few hours on the bispearl discord reeling over this fic   #I don't even read fics that often but op this is fucking great   #thank you for my life and my soul   #added ten years to my life just now op

Speaking of other platforms... you bet I saved those discord comments into a doc for easier access for cheer-up reading during crappy days. THANK.

@jeejyboard replied:

#bispearl #it's good fic brent #this shit kills me like how much yearning can you fit into one tiny little wispy lesbian #bismuth is a little more explicable but still it's a stretch

Jeej my pal my bro your comments never fail to kill me.

@alliealliealcomfree replied:

# this is amazing! # i love how these two interact #and the mixed feelings about Rose #and the history between them #Bismuth and Pearl are so cute together

I will have you know that “mixed feelings about Rose” is the title of my hot new mix(hahah)tape, check it out.

(There is no mixtape, I’m sorry, only the sound of my tears.)

When that Dove short came out with the “I value our history” bit I just about ascended.

@nacrepearl replied:

#wow i LOVE BISMUTH AND PEARL #thanks oath for this life giving word meal

Bispearl content isn’t super abundant and I’m a great proponent of MAKE IT YOURSELF so I had to. I just had to. It took me a while but I did it, and I am glad I did. And I’m really glad you liked it.

@ajora replied:

#this is absolutely lovely to read all-together #and you know me I'm always down for examining Rose's effects on everyone around her #otp otp otp #ALSO: I was hardly suffering jsyk #ALSO: I do like the section naming scheme

I’m glad to hear it holds up as a whole even after me sending it to you rather piecemeal over the past few... who even knows how long. The section naming is legit one of my favourite things about the fic personally, hah, I am proud of it to a rather silly extent.

@starsailorstories replied:

Not only is this that sweet, sweet Bispearl/Bismuth being loved and appreciated content, I'd like to present you with your lifetime achievement award for contributions to the field of gem hurt-comfort

Also: THE SECTION TITLES????? THE WORDPLAY????? I'M HOPPING UP AND DOWN

Not done gushing, I love the way you write Bismuth dialogue, it's so like...brisk and jaunty with just the right edge to it but always coming from that gooey center of the team place. I love it I love her

I am extremely honoured by that award, especially coming from you!

And yes! It’s a BISMUTH fic we need to have that proper wordplay as well as horribly cheesy puns in there! And as a BISPEARL fic it is absolutely necessary to include communicating concepts via relating them to swords and the making thereof. It’s the rules.

Bismuth, I feel, has a very distinct voice AND attitude AND way of expressing herself in general, even as we haven’t yet had the chance to spend as much time with her as some other characters, and getting it down right was very important to me. And there’s stuff like her being noticeably less literal than other Gems, and more prone to using both Gem and human idioms (and as evidenced by her pep talk to Steven in Legs, savvy enough to be able to switch between them at will). Speaking of pep talks, she’s an absolute master there and I love her. I believe Ian JQ said that “gooey center of the team” line on the Bismuth podcast ep and I am forever grateful to him.

Also just. Here, a random moment I just thought of that got me all feelsy. Look at her lovingly and longingly looking out at her friends and waiting to be reunited with them. That really tiny smile. I love her.

And this moment that breaks my heart into tiny pieces, when she was convinced she’d blown her second chance and that the people she so loves and who she was prepared to go to such great lengths for don’t want her around anymore:

Nng. Just. So much about her is related to loyalty and community and mutual support and she is so full of love and goopy feelings, while at the same time absolutely being loud and brash and a damn legit fighter and passionate revolutionary, with a definite edge and a large well of (absolutely righteous imo) anger, and she will destroy you if you endanger what she stands for and who she stands with. And the damn “she chooses to build up people instead of building palaces” metaphor that I shall continue to put into everything Bismuth-related I produce as long as I live. I love that. I love her so much.

Aaaaanyway, moving on from that little digression, I’m also flattered by the displays of faith in me, like seeing a reblog tagged with (cheers @altostratusplunge, whom tumblr now won’t let me tag, great):

#i havent read it #will read afyer rebloggimg #but i trust you as a writer and i bet this is gonna be so Good

Trust is a rare and precious commodity and I will have you know I am touched.

Once again, a great big thank you to everyone!

[harrysdimples]

sooo...it’s the legend @btapants’ birthday and me and my main partner in crime daria @britneytshirt both came up with this idea and whipped up a lil somethin somethin for celine to read! we just want you to know how loved you are celine and how you influence us all to be better people! we all love you and had a few things to say :)

@bidonnas (aka mik):  i followed celine like ages ago bc i was looking for more harries to follow and she seemed so sweet and, like, a Quality™ blog and we've been mutuals for ages as well and we like sent each other asks for like ask games and tagged each other in tag games but we didn't start talking more until the first gc in like march of this year and i do not regret a single thing of entering that gc bc i got to meet my birlfriend, now my bife. we've just gotten closer over the past 6 months of being in so many different groupchats with each other and i love everything about her. she's funny, she's kind and sweet, and she loves mamma mia. i mean, who could ask for more?? fjdkgksdljkfg celine deserves the whole world and all the love in the world and i love her so so so much!!!!

@guccifloralsuits (aka violet):  Celine, you already know it but literally love you tons, you make my experience as a harrie stan so much brighter :) I'll always remember the #funkirk days and times we've been throught - from the discourse days to the crazy concerts & I can't wait to see what this next year for you & us brings! You're so easy to talk to and fun to share this experience with! HAPPY BIRTHDAY ALL MY LOVE TO YOU 💖

@annaonvinyl (aka essie): Celine, Celine... I believe we've been mutuals not for that long and i do remember checking my notifications and seeing that she followed me i kid you not when i say i nearly had a moment because i would constantly see her posts and people talking so nicely about her. i can now understand why people kept saying sweet things about Celine, i mean she's amazing! if you aren't following her please do me a favour, go to her blog and press that follow, just... do it. celine is so sweet and funny, her blog is the perfect mix of aesthetic and relatable and not to mention she's so freaking stunning? i mean... have you seen her? model material, i'm telling you. so in conclusion what i want to say is celine is gorgeous and so nice and i love her! tanti auguri bella! spero che tu abbia un bel anno davanti a te e tutto il meglio vada per te! goditi la giornata e sorridi molto (scusa il mio italiano arrugginito)

@signofthebis (aka petra): Happy birthday, Celine! ❤❤❤ You know why I followed you. Because of the tags you wrote under my bta pants gifset. And I knew in that moment... this is a person that gets it and I need her in my life. And then I was lucky enough to get into the biconic gc you started and I got to get to know you and wow? You're amazing. You're so funny and incredible and just... I stan forever??? You're truly a queen. ❤❤❤❤ One day your selfies are gonna kill me because you're that gorgeous. And honestly? What a way to go. So Celine, I hope you're having a wonderful day and may your life be filled with only the best of luck, may it be full of love and kindness because that's what you're giving to us and you deserve the same it in return. Ily ❤

@flowerfeasts (aka dani): I followed celine like a year ago because i used to see all my faves tagging her on my dash, so i thought she was very important and cool and i remember waiting like a few weeks to follow her cause i somehow thought that would increase the chances of her following me back? lmao anyway, i still think she is very cool and i LOVE her fashion sense and she is a libra! that means she is awesome

@harryandcats (aka lejla): CELINE MY ANGELBOO!!!! I’m sooo bad with words and tbh?? there’s not enough words to describe how much u mean to me anyway smh you’re one of the sweetest, funniest and smartest (let’s just not mention your posts and the things you say something BDJDNDNDB) and loveliest people I know!! you’re also so silly sometimes but in a very cute and endearing way bdndn I could talk to you about literally anything, be it something deep or something random like poptarts bxjdndn speaking of poptarts we truly gotta meet someday and you’ll have to buy me lots of things and in return you’ll get the biggest hug of your life!!!! sounds like a plan if you ask me anYWAY I lov u with my whole heart, you’re my love, my life, my wife, my gf, my bitch, my boo, but most importantly: my dumbass ✌🏻😔 I hope you have the loveliest day!!!! Happy Birthday, Celine!! 💗🌈💕

@harrysnotechanges (aka kristyna):  Celine 💕💕 you are so funny and such a kind and generous person (not to mention gorgeous, ugh it’s not fair). I’m pretty sure I first started following you because of your url (I mean how much more iconic could you get,,, and I couldn’t agree more, the bta pants were the best pants Harry has ever worn tbh) and I stayed because you’re just an amazing human being. Ily 💕💕💕 Happy birthday!

@gettingdizzy (aka sav): I LOVE CELINE she is super kind and funny and like a little sister to me!! talking to her always makes my day better :) im not even sure why i started following her we probably got put in a gc together or something but im so glad i did!! HAPPY BIRTHDAY ILY

@nofoookingway (aka jess): Oh boy, lil Celine. The cutest bean I’ve ever seen. I know we don’t speak anymore bc I’m trash and got too overdramatic about a stupid lil thing, but I’m so glad that we still follow each other and I see you on my dash every day. Your posts never go without a typo, even if it’s just the tags, and that’s probably my favorite thing about you. You’re so expressive and so weird in the best of ways. I’m pretty sure you’re starting uni (if you’re not smack me), but I know you’re going to kill it. It’s hard af, and it’s gonna suck. You’re gonna hate it sometimes, but believe me when I say I know you can do it and that you will have a blast once you find your niche. If I can do it, you sure as hell can. I wholeheartedly believe that. Anyways, I hope your birthday is just as fun and amazing as you are. ilysm 💛💛

@leesh (aka leesh lol): HAPPY BIRTHDAY CELINE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! i hope u have the absolute best birthday ever bc it’s what she deserves and i hope harry makes an appearance again looking absolutely fabulous bc it’s also what she deserves (maybe wearing the bta pants? yes i’m putting it into existence!!!!). i honestly can’t rmbr how or why i started following you, maybe it was a gc or maybe i just liked ur blog, i have a terrible memory, but i am SO GLAD whatever the reason I DID. i love seeing ur posts on my dash and i love seeing what you’ve got to say and i also love talking to u in gc’s and stuff. ur a cool gal and i’m glad we had a chance to become mutuals and pals. again i hope u have the best way day ever and get spoilt rotten. i love u!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! 💖✨

@kiwiintro (aka kayla):  Happy Birthday Celine Bean! I hope it's amazing I love u and you're so iconic and amazing and ur an actual Meme™️ sometimes anyways again I hope your birthday is amazing and have fun being 1(one) year older ❤

@harryftvans (aka teresa): celine my dearest witch princess and gentle air spirit happiest of birthday wishes to you!!! someone’s getting old lol anyway I wish u all the best and hope you have a great day and that a lot of other great days will follow because u only deserve happiness and love and ~good vibes~ in your life!! stay ur amazing self, you’re always so chill and laid back (which is nice in this hectic world gksndn) and even when you pull a zayn on us at the end of the day you’re always there for us, being supportive and it’s always a delight to talk to you and hear stories from you!!! great britain is blessed to have you for the next couple of months/years (hope u have a nice time at uni I believe in u) so yea enjoy your day hope it’s filled with lots of love and hugs!! i’m glad you’ve been brought into the world and i’m glad we were out in the same group chat I couldn’t imagine my days without u, love you v much💕

@pinkflaredpants (aka iris): No offence but it's been a whole ass year since we first heard medicine and still no fuckin studio version of sott.

@britneytshirt (aka daria): celine, remember the day we became mutuals? it’s definitely been a year(+) now, can you believe it’s been that long? i followed u not really expecting to be followed back and u followed me about .02 seconds later and honestly i was a lil shocked. so i put my insecurities aside and decided to text u and u said u just saw my url and liked it and followed me. like?! *harry voice* craziness right? anyway, i like to think of u as a little present from life. when we started talking i was very lonely and literally cried myself to sleep every other night and having a friend, you, to talk to made me realise nothing is ever that bad and in a way... gave me hope? you mean so much to me. you’re always fun to talk to, u always have the funniest things to say. and most importantly, i know i can always count on u for whatever, you’ll be there to listen to me. so thank u. i’m so grateful i have a celine in my life. i love u

me (aka moi): so....celine, where do I even start? from those very first few months when I joined this fandom in september last year we were close friends. we started our first conversation about old 1d memes and the rest is history. I don’t think there’s been a time in the last year or so where I haven’t spoken to you, and I really couldn’t imagine my life without you in it. I look forward every day to chatting with you in the gc and i’m always just in awe of how accepting, loving, caring and truly inspiring you are as a person. I love hearing you speak italian in the rare voice messages you send, and especially your selfies (I will hold the belief that you should be a model to the grave I think tbh). you inspired me to love myself for who i am and we’ve grown as friends into something I never thought i’d reach. i’m never going to be able to fully articulate the weight you hold in my life or the impact you’ve had on me, and i’m bad at expressing my feelings anyway, but I just wanted you to know how LOVED you are, by me, and from everyone here. I can’t wait to eventually meet you once you’re settled over here and I can’t wait for the memories and shows we’ll make in the future. thank you for being you, and please never stop being your amazing self 💕

[gg-astrology]

The real question here is: what are the signs you like less? Gimme the tea, dont play us.

lmaoooooo!! 💕💕💕 i actually?? get along with like all of them?? so I kinda like all of them lmaoooo 💕💕

but if i hav to pick like…the ones who might want to fight me (or rather I fight them)?? Libra, Cancer and Virgos….not like bullying but like they baby me a lot and I grew up rebellious like ‘NO i am independent now let me FLY’ knsdfjksn its silly but some Virgos are really endearing they’re like my PARENTS like ‘oh sweetie :((( let me manhandle u away from that’ ksdjfnsjkdfn 

I have Libra in my 11H and I grew up/close to alot of them…but its so HARD to get them to talk I have to…strangle it out of them like ‘this specifically, this is how I feel. This is what I gathered, do you have anything to add/comment?’ dskjnksnj i’m grateful for it tho like…. they’re just so FUN to be with but also like… I got really good at getting into my cardinal placements bc of them smh 😩 (exert so much energy w/ libras like…they are one of the only signs i actually put effort into getting to know/interact/pull them out of their mind with) Also they’re like...so distracted skjfnkasjnk I’m like ‘hey, focus’ sometimes bc they’re off.....watching a deer rn or something and i’m like ‘I need ADVICE please I barely saw you these past 3 Months Please I’m Begging 😭’ 

Cancer cause like….. i usually have one (1) cancer bestie at a time and usually we get along SUPER WELL 💕💕 but with my cap/taurus/virgo ass…they can be so unreliable when I need them most (like a project or to do something) so i end up hard-carrying stuff… but they’re just SO NICE 💕💕 I’ll always love them loads but i feel SO GUILTY when I tell them how I feel, and what I don’t want us to get back to there again (or like…when i wanna be honest y know like ‘u can’t put me through this again that wasn’t ok for me’ ) but they’re so SOFT im like CONFLICTED 

Ig that’s the tea?? lmaoooo 💕💕💕 it’s more silly than anything and like….I jus…get along with all the fire signs/majority of every signs usually?? Im really like…so blessed and grateful I even have close friends who are like….different from me and comes from all signs cause it definitely made me more….idk, like less in my head and learn how to get my senses knocked into me by other people?? 💕💕 

 Anyways!! 💕💕💕

[liebesyhhra]

ramadhan prep

Bismillaah

This post is inspired by my friend, H. She is someone i look up to a lot for all her tenacity, great ideas and really the amazing person that she is. MasyaAllah :) 

dear H,

last night as we welcomed ramadhan i finally had the drive to write about the lessons from sharing sessions and talks ive been to, particularly a talk i attended at masjid ansar about ramadhan. turned out the drive was warm warm chicken poop (hangat hangat tahi ayam hahahaha) only and i ended up not writing. hahaha nothing new there!!! 

that same night you shared with me about your islamic sharing instagram account big idea you had with your friend!! and i was so thrilled!!! partly because you’re basically doing what i’ve always wanted to do on a blog but been putting off for a long timeee. the other part is just me being so proud of you for always coming up with amazing ideas and always so willing to share the good stuff that you come across. i really hope this great idea will become reality and i really really look forward to it!!! count me in anytime hehe.

sometimes i hide behind an inferior complex when deciding not to pursue something like oh im never going to deserve to do calligraphy because i am not arty and i don’t want to degrade calligraphers by my undeserving attempt. that sounds super silly hahaha but ya i am silly like that. it was only natural (???? silly^10000 but yes) that i completely threw away my idea of finally posting something on my blog, because someone better is doing it already. but H you were so supportive and interested in my own initiative, and plus all the thought challenging i did i realised that other people taking good initiatives does not in any way degrade my own. and so fast forward to now i’m still trying to get to the subject of matter hahahaha what a prelude!!! 

i attach the event poster for reference

i was very much interested by the concept haha unlimited data plan yes please my bills are getting so ex because data usage :-) kidding hehe of course there was more to it than its literal meaning. 

the talkshow by the five asatizah panelists covered three main topics:

pre-paid pahala

free outgoing doa

ramadan premium gold member

1. pre-paid pahala

the topics surrounding intentions and sincerity were being discussed. having good intentions without even carrying out the actions yet entitles a person to rewards --> pre-paid pahala cool eh !! may we all proceed to carry out the good we intend to do with sincerity, amin.

i. what is sincerity?

having sincerity/ikhlas is defined as doing something without hoping for any reciprocation or rewards. this reminded me so much of our malay literature days when cikgu A would ask “what is the most important lesson we can learn from the sun?” when we were going through the sajak ‘menjaring mentari hidupku’. (sidetrack i really couldn’t remember the sajak title i just remembered something got to do with sun but definitely not mengejar mentari...........huehe anje ayanggg) the answer being: the sun gives and gives, even when it knows the beings on earth can never repay it. what can i give the sun?? what can the plants give the sun?? and still it continues being the number one source of energy everyday. 

in doing good deeds though sometimes we experience spiritual and moral roadblocks like feeling riyak and overly proud of the good we do. asatizah shared that the way around these roadblocks is not to simply stop doing the good, but continue to engage in the good deed as well as pray that Allah removes the riyak and grant us sincerity.

asatizah shared a story of saidatina Fatimah r.a’s sincerity in helping those in need, putting their needs above her own. nobody knew of the story until Allah sent down a verse narrating the sincere deed Fatimah r.a had carried out. 

the story took place during the month of ramadhan. each day Fatimah r.a only had water, milk and bread to break her fast with. on the first day during iftar, a needy person came knocking to ask for food. she gave away her food and only had water for herself. this happened for three consecutive nights masyaAllah! idk if it were me i’d probably have gone ‘oh im so hungy i havent eaten in three days i gave all my food away to the poor!!!’ probably hoping for some sort of acknowledgement or applaud haha or complimentary iftar. but masyaAllah Fatimah carried the deed out without expecting anything but Allah’s blessings. her intention was solely to please God. the verse is recorded in the quran:

وَيُطْعِمُونَ الطَّعَامَ عَلَىٰ حُبِّهِ مِسْكِينًا وَيَتِيمًا وَأَسِيرًا  إِنَّمَا نُطْعِمُكُمْ لِوَجْهِ اللَّهِ لَا نُرِيدُ مِنكُمْ جَزَاءً وَلَا شُكُورًا

surah al-insan, 8-9

ii. how do we know of a person’s sincerity?

we dont hahahaha. only Allah knows! but it’s always good to believe someone is doing a good deed out of good intention and sincerity. on our part too, we may have ulterior motives intentional or unintentionally along the way of doing good. dont stop nothing to see here move along now keep calm and doa!

iii. how to attain and maintain sincerity?

be conscious of our intentions to do something for the sake of Allah

act it out. actions speak louder than words

istiqamah in training our hearts

remember that Allah sees and appreciates each and every good deed and intention

introspection/muhasabah

here, asatizah shared the story of saidina Kalid al Walid r.a. Khalid was leading a battle when he was demoted by khalifah Umar. instead of being bitter about it he fought harder and with even more willpower. when asked why he was not the least bit demotivated over being demoted, he replied that he fought not for the title but for the sake of Allah. 

knowing that Allah always appreciates the good we do is so heartening. it’s also so heartening when people are appreciative of the good we do. this doesn’t negate our sincerity though, view it as Allah’s way of making us happy through His other creations

iv. benefits of ikhlas

self-fulfilment

pahalaaa hehe amin

peace of mind

wont feel disappointed over lack of reciprocation

part two nexttttttt

2. free outgoing doa

ramadhan is the month of mercy! forgiveness! and so we ask of Allah for aaall that and more in the blessed month. 

asatizah first shared the mannerisms of making doa, which are found in the structure of surah al-fatihah. ustazah S shared this before in school!! so excited for some reason when ustaz shared during the talk. making doa inadvertently makes us realise that we are such....small beings who depend so much on His mercy. it would only be appropriate to make doa in a state of sincerity, humbleness and humility. 

doa is significant in our lives, such that it instills Hope in us and husnuszhon towards Allah.

doa is also a form of self-motivation. when we pray for something good for ourselves eg ya Allah please help me become successful in my studies, indirectly we push ourselves to do our best so our prayer comes true. we won’t pray for something we are not working towards so masyaAllah this was an interesting insight!

on to the last one!!!

3. ramadhan premium gold member

aka laylatul qadr 

this talk was held pre-ramadhan, and ustazah said preparation had to begin NOW, which was a week ago haha but now now is not too late either! it’s not too early either considering insyaAllah we will try to find it in the last ten nights. however the spiritual burnout is real and nauzubillah, so let’s all keep in mind that the most loved by Allah are little but consistent deeds! youre doing great sweetie :* 

while living our nights in qiyam, asatizah reminded us to always keep ourselves and our parents in our doa. yang terbaik, amin! may we be blessed with the opportunity to live the night of power and receive blessings of a thousand months amin! ultimate level of premium gold membership masyaAllah.

4. miscellaneous

under the topic of doa actually, in our humility sometimes we would cry when asking Allah for something we really want. however there are also people who try their best to have that humility but cannot cry (like me hahaaaa so hard hearted nauzubillah) and that’s ok. sometimes it’s the peace in our heart that can be felt. 

so alhamdulillah! that’s all to share from the distinguished panelists. there were nasyid and poetry performances too which were amazinggg live spotify hahaha. this more or less helped me look forward to all the amazing goodness being offered in ramadhan, and what i can start with; having the right intentions. i really enjoyed penning this down and i hope this wont be the last! thank you, H, for spurring me on to finally act out this particular intention. may Allah bless you always all ways!!! so sayang

i was so afraid and unprepared to welcome ramadhan, still so irrationally afraid even as we’ve fasted for the first day.. going to this talk and previously the one with you at masjid Ruadhah helped me prepare a bit spiritually alhamdulillah. thank you for being there with me and for me during this journey! maybe i am afraid i won’t live up to my best behaviour. maybe i am so afraid of feeling lonely. maybe i am so afraid of.....idk actually what i’m afraid of. in spite of all that, i hope you, me and everybody else will have a blessed ramadhan ahead and do our best to give our best, insyaAllah

i am ending this off with a quote

God’s delays aren’t God’s rejections. Worry ends when Faith begins.

and a doa

اللهم انك عفو تحب العفو فاعف عنا يا كريم

ramadhan kareem! 

semoga Allah redha

sending lots of luv,

<3

[crankycorviknight]

(1) Hi, this is the insomnia anon, thank you for the tips you added to the post. Your advice is really good! The problem is, I panic pretty badly at night, so sometimes in the middle of my anxiety I just end up taking an extra pill because I'll be feeling too revved up to relax and fall asleep. You said you didn't know what I meant about not wanting to be dependent on medication, sorry for not explaining better, but I'll try to give you a better idea of what exactly is going on with me.

(2) I have been on a prescription sleep aid for a while. It was prescribed to me in 2014 after a traumatic event, but I always took it kind of on-and-off, and then towards the end of 2016 + all of 2017 so far, I have had to use it more consistently due to stress from a lot of things keeping me awake. Currently, I'm living a pretty isolated life (no friends nearby), I can't find a job, and am pretty sedentary (I take walks, but can't really do any heavier exercise due to physical health issues).

(3) I know people say there's no shame in needing medication, but I feel like at one point, I could have managed sleeping without needing meds, and I blame myself for it even though I really did try to get help. Like I tried to see a therapist at my university after my trauma, and the therapist specifically asked me if I wanted to make medication part of my treatment plan, and I said no, but then she said she couldn't keep meeting with me because I wasn't enrolled as a student at the time.

(4) Also, my best friend had moved to Korea a month before my traumatic event (she still lives there since it's where her husband lives and they are planning on starting a family soon). So, I think out of desperation for not knowing how else to deal with my trauma and insomnia on my own, and suffering so badly every night, I saw pills as the only way to get my sleeping patterns back to normal, and kept telling myself it would only be a temporary thing.

(5) But then other things started getting worse and unbearable for me, and by then, I realized, "Okay, my body has gotten used to depending on these pills to sleep now" so it makes me feel trapped. The problem is that I don't want to run into a situation where maybe I can't get my prescription filled on time and end up sleepless and feeling awful, or maybe in the future when I'm married and want to become a mommy, I know taking pills could possibly cause a risk during pregnancy.

(6) Plus I just really miss when I didn't have to put so much thought into falling asleep and could just go to bed naturally when I felt sleepy (I literally cannot feel sleepy anymore, unless I medically induce it), not calculate how many pills will give me how many hours of sleep, and all this nonsense. My doctors are pretty much useless because either they tell me to just get used to staying on the pills forever ('cause I guess they think I'm too messed up for anything besides that)

(7) or they tell me they think I should be off the medication, but don't tell me how to do it because "Whoops, sorry, I don't specialize in that." So I realize I am quite alone in this, except for God. He is the only reason I have been able to hang on this long. I don't know how else I would have managed to get through my trauma, my physical health problems, my loneliness, my heartbreak, and everything else that has caused me so much pain that no one around me seems to care about or understand.

(8) But this still feels like such a mess, and when I reach out for help from people in-person, either they don't realize what the problem is and act dismissive, or put all the blame on me for not being able to sleep normally, even though I would do literally anything NOT to suffer with insomnia, anxiety, depression, trauma, and all this other junk going on in my head that started this whole mess. Thank you so much for listening, I hope you're doing well! (End, sorry this ended up being so long)

_____________________________________________________

First of all, I’m so sorry that you’re going through all of this. This sounds incredibly frustrating, and that’s probably an understatement. I’m honored you would open up to me about this. Its not your fault, what you need is help and support, not a cold shoulder or to be told that you’re messing yourself up. You’re in a state of gradual recovery, and I’m sorry its taking so long.

Shoot man this would be the case I would suggest seeing a therapist because from the looks of it this whole thing stems from the event you’re talking about. I don’t want to risk saying something misleading since I’m frankly not an expert or experienced with that, but I hope that at least opening up here has helped a little. 

It’s definitely not the same as a therapist and it shouldn’t be a replacement for one but having a support group is important. Like I’ve said you’re more than welcome to talk to me, be it anon or IMs or discord if you’re open for that. And you’ve already messaged her but @my--darling--dear is a sweetie that’ll be more than happy to give you support or cheer you up with silly memes. There’s also @strawberry-milktea ! Rachel is a very kind and calm person, she’d be more than happy to talk to you.

I’m glad that you’re able to go to God with this, because sometimes? That’s all we can really do. I’ve had many, many silent battles. I recently got out of a really bad mindfunk where I had suicidal ideation every day. But I managed to get by every day, and for now, I’m okay. My faith and trust in God was just enough to make it. But I was also blessed with friends who kept me from the edge as well. Maybe I’ll lapse again, I mean, its a part of life to have ups and downs but I have faith that my friends, family, and God will be able to lift me up again whenever that happens. And resting in that helps so much.

It’s hard, sometimes it feels like there’s no response from Him. But logically, nothing can stay the same forever, with God as the exception of course. At one point, this will pass. There will be ups and downs in recovery, but day by day we do get better. Really, that’s the key. Take it one day at a time. Dwell on the promises of God. This dark time won’t last forever. And know you are not alone, and that people like me and Missy care about you very much and want to see you feeling better. 

I actually asked a few other family members what they do with their insomnia and I would suggest researching if these are right for you since I deeply respect your desire to be a mother one day and I don’t want to risk your fertility. My dad takes benadryl on a nightly basis and it seems to help him. Other allergy medications also have a drosiness factor to em, I don’t know if it’s strong enough to knock you out but it might be worth looking into?

Also a bud of mine does this, doesn’t work for me as much but ASMR seems to help with relaxation. Not the weird lip smacking stuff, more like rain noises and the such. Mynoise is great (x) since it plays indefinitely and there’s tons of customization and soundscapes. The mobile app is kinda crap though.

Here’s some youtube playlists though that might help. At the very least it could give you some nice tunes.

Abzu OST

Journey OST

Relaxing Twilight Princess Mix

Relaxing Okami music

Again, I’m praying for you, and please feel free to IM or message me whenever! 

[mysplaced-pen]

>.

never be sorry about requesting things! i’m always glad to answer them!! thank you for stopping by~ \(◕ ◡ ◕\)

zen

oh 

he doesn’t mind at all, really, he wants kids

it’s just that now it’s hard for them to be public and such

but when they do go public, the fans don’t mind 

and respect the kid’s privacy

zen wants to be the ‘cool stepdad’

and he is, but he’s also a giant dork

the three of them act out his scripts together

sometimes, zen lets the kid take his role and he plays the bad guy

who needs story time when you can act it out?

also teaches the kid how to dance and sings them songs, they perform for mc at home

again, now zen’s fridge is full… and they have to get a new place 

he made a dad joke once, ok it was hilarious and totally sarcastic

because the kid called him ‘dad’ and he just responded with “dad? what’s the matter, sport? need some fatherly advice?” i made myself laugh imagining this

the kid says they’re never calling him that again, but he apologizes

yoosung

oh boy, yoosung, let’s get that degree, yeah?

this is why he’s the fastest to do it

but he loves kids!!

teaches them how to cook

they make breakfast in bed for mc, it’s adorable

when the kid needs help with homework, yoosung is There

the best mentor, kid is blessed

mc loves watching them study together

he’s actually such a good father figure

the kid looks up to him, he’s so flattered

family game nights!! 

they play LOLOL and board games 

all of them get super competitive uh oh 

jaehee

wasn’t really ready for kids, but is totally okay with it

even better, this kid is an angel

and a musical fan!!

wowie wow jaehee liked this kid

and the kid liked jaehee! 

they bond over hot chocolate because jaehee shows them the amazingness that is putting cinnamon in it too

true story: i did that of my own accord and it’s great i have seen light

mc joins in too and that’s how we have family bonding~

the kid helps jaehee become more affectionate like

hugs !! all the time!!

forehead kisses to say goodnight!

jaehee is a really good story teller wow mc wants bedtime stories too

jumin

did someone say ‘spoiled’?

this kid is spoiled rotten 

but has good manners, of course 

jumin loves the kid and gets said kid anything and everything

but mc’s kid, and mc’s favorite, thing he does is when he reads to them

jumin puts on silly voices sometimes for the characters, it makes everyone laugh

oh oh and piggyback rides!

basically jumin is the best stepdad ever 

totally supports the kid’s dreams and will help at every step of the way

mc thinks he’s a great dad

“…would you want more kids one day, my dear spouse?” 

707 / luciel / saeyoung

damnit v wh y 

he can’t like mc, the kid would be in danger too 

but he still does, damnit saeyoung

when he comes over and is all distant and stuff, the kid is really the only one who can get to him

because saeyoung can’t be too mean to a child

accidentally spills his crush on mc to mc’s child

and they just shake their head and is like ‘i knew it’

helps saeyoung sort out his feelings

after that distant episode, he and the kid are really good friends

called saeyoung ‘dad’ once and he couldn’t stop grinning

mc is actually really proud of the two of them

they always make them laugh

v / jihyun

oh boy what did he do

did he really let this happen, bad jihyun what were you thinking

and there’s a bomb in the apartment oh my go d

makes it a point to come to the party and apologizes a minimum of 6 times

mc tells him that it’s okay, but he’s insistent he do something in return

which is why v is babysitting for the day

turns out, the kid likes him!

asks about all his pictures and v tells the kid stories about them

also teaches mc’s kid about cameras 

mc came to pick their child up and the kid doesn’t wanna go

so they stay for dinner and the kid is like “parent…date this guy.” 

you are like 7 calm down

but then the kid falls asleep on the couch and jihyun offers to let them stay the night

the two of them talk over tea and mc lets it slip that jihyun would make a great dad (͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

v blushes and then it gets to the whole ‘awkward crush’ territory

the kid, supposedly asleep on the couch, goes “date already” im the kid

saeran

shit

this was a mistake

i mean, yeah, mint eye is gone now, but look at all he put mc and their kid through!

apologizes to both of them

the kid also becomes his best friend

but this time because they just keep talking to him and being nice

saeran thinks he doesn’t deserve it 

but they just?? keep sticking by him???

even when mc can tell he’s uncomfortable and tries to pull them away

eventually, he gets used to it and their conversations become more interesting

everyone is surprised 

but he’s really nice to the kid 

and they’re mc and saeran’s #1 fan

literally ‘whoop’ed when he saw them hold hands lol 

[jjinomu]

I'm sad that the apocalypse is over but thank you for doing it!! It was super fun to see how it went. I have to ask, do you have any hc's for the vocaloids? Like how they act and stuff...? I don't mind which ones you do if you do any at all.

oh pshh don't worry about the wedding apocalypse it's still going to carry on, i just kinda "postponed it" in a way due to my net problems ehehehe but im glad ur liking the turn out it is really fun!!!

ANYWAYYYYYYYYYYYYYY THE QUESTION I HAVE BEEN WAITING TO ANSWER MY WHOLE LIFE!!!!!!!!!!!!! BLESS U i love talking about headcannons SO MUCh this might take a while lmao bc yes i have LOTS OF lil weird hc's for the vocaloids hehe 

i'll talk about my HC for the crypton 5 (and if they were like a family living together in a house bc thats how i see it) also SUPER LONG BC oBViously

MEIKO:- meiko iS SUPER COOL!!! she is like SUPER COOL and charismatic and super reserved and i love meiko and she'll protect the crypton fam with her life- she's a lil quiet too but doesnt mind chipping in a few snarkly lil remarks at ppl who are doing the wrong thing (she’s also a shorty)- she's pretty stern and the tsukkomi of the whole crew and she can get super cynical when she thinks about things- when she gets flustered she gets really "what?? no way??? pft nO what"- like kuudere type but also super tsuntsun yknow wat i mean- for some reason i also hc her to watch a lot of romcom anime or read a lot of shoujo when there's noone around or she has nothing to do idk y- she doesnt know how to cook properly but ppl let her cook bc it makes her happy - when she drinks, her personality goes from reserved to more open and happy and she'll engage in a lot of skinship and bouts of affection- probably plays really good acoustic guitar (a genetic trait shared with her mother meiko haigo)

KAITO- kaito's a lil dorky and a lil silly, he's quite naive but also kinda clever about random shit like "the top of the eiffel tower is six inches shorter in the winter”- he's always happy and glad to help out and he's super charming- he can be a little embarassing due to his naivety- he's also super easygoing and friendly- except he doesnt really do much around the house bc noone gives him anything to do be they're scared he'll wreck the place by accident- he's a LOud man likes 2 cheer likes 2 be a proud dad- he probably doesnt work with technology he says its too much for him even though he is 100% a robot- so he sits and weeps and reads a lot of recipes so he can teach meiko when he has the balls to tell her she's not that gr8 at cooking- a neat cook - if kaito and meiko had a yt channel it'd be a family vlog channel lbr

MIKU- super clumsy??? she's really clumsy but she's also super lovable like noone can hate her (but noone can give her chores either bc she’ll break everything)- she does her absolute best all the time- if she had a yt channel it'd be for her music i mean wat do u expect- she feels sad if she reads a hateful comment about one of my fam on a video of hers and she'll do her best to cheer them up (e.g. if she sees a hateful comment about meiko, she'll make meiko some breakfast in bed even tho meiko is totally 100% cool with shit)- miku respects (and idolises) meiko and kaito a lot for setting out the carpet and allowing her to walk on it and supporting her 100% of the time so she wants them to always be happy and always be proud- miku also super respects luka and aspires to be as pretty and mature as luka- meiko sometimes lets miku join in her romcom weeb sesh for no reason (and only miku she doesnt trust anyone else w her big secret)- she prefers action a lil more so she watches with rin as well - meeks is like a super happy doggo 

RIN- super super cute but also ironically arrogant??? like she makes arrogant and insulting jokes for fun- she's a lil sarcastic and screams a lot for no reason- probably a huge weeb- she loves action type movies/shows/anime anything with fighting she's like HECK YEAH PAIN (she often pulls allnighters bingewatching so she's often joined with meeks and len and sometimes luka or she gets scolded by meiko)- she respects kaito a lot for just purely existing and being able to still exist and coming back from his time as a labelled "failure" (albiet she still makes insulting jokes towards him bc she thinks its funny)- she (and luka) are in charge of groceries bc rin knows her fruits and luka knows her fish - she pulls a lot of pranks on the rest of the family like if she had a yt channel it'd be for pranks- mostly on len poor len he suffers

LEN- suffering constantly at everyone's hand- he says he "dislikes" kaito and kinda talks down on him and denies kaito's presence and influence in his life, he considers kaito kind of embarassing and wonder why and how the rest can put up with him sometimes (but he still- even tho he wont admit it, kaito is his #1 nii-chan)- kaito always tries to be the best big bro and len appreciates that even though kaito usually stuffs up big bro stuff like teaching len how to sport (because sport is a concept kaito probably doesnt understand)- len's the cleaner of the house, he doesnt mind tidying up the places bc sometimes rin demolishes shit and she always blames him and he gets in trouble- he's also pretty reserved especially around his older sisters like meiko and luka and even miku, mostly because he respects them a lot - sometimes he can get pretty flustered if he's alone with one of the older girls because he doesnt really know what to do or say and he's too prideful of a person to ask kaito for assistance (he’s also the youngest, so aside from rin he’s pretty awkward with everyone)- rin and len as a power duo are a crazed frenzy though, if one pisses off the other it can be constant shouting for days until kaito or meiko break it up- they probably pull eachother's hair and scream about who can have the remote

LUKA- the most Quiet of them all- she's elegant she's beauty she's GRACE let her sit on my face- she’s super mature and helps meiko cook most of the time (which is y food is at least 50% better tasting if meiko were to cook alone)- despite that, she’s a totally closeted pervert w/ a thing for her mei-nee-san and lil imoutos miku and rin- she’s totally not allowed in laundry for that purpose- she’s a super good listener too, when meiko and luka go out to drink together it can get pretty deep- she kinda just appears?? in random places??? and people don’t really know how she got there- but she’s always so Cool i love luka bye

the end i was gna go on and on but that’s enough brief for now lbr

[survivingjapan]

EPISODE 4 “The World Doesn't Revolve Around Jaiden Hantz” Jaiden

I voted for Jonathan because I thought that's what people were doing. Ashley went home.... Jonathan called out Alex after tribal who is my ONLY ally in this game.... I did the duel and lost so now we have to go straight back to tribal after a fucked up messy vote........ do i want to be alive???????

NGRJKDLANVJKADFLNJVKAVFDNAJNVADNVJ;ANEFUBNVAUDBNFJBNAVJKBNDAVJADSNBJVADSVNJKLADVNS I CAN'T BELIEVE I WON LMFAO SHOUTOUT TO MY ROOMMATE FOR HEARING ME BE THE RUDEST I'VE EVER BEEN TO HIM! I'M SORRY RYAN! SHOUTOUT TO Ruthie/Kendall/Alex/Drew (whichever one I decided upon) for saving your life in this game an extra round. I was about to vote you out, but ¯\_(ツ)_/¯. Tbh I was kinda looking forward to losing this round and dedicating tonight to plotting someone's life being destroyed, but I guess winning is okay too. Now my tribe likely won't vote me out because I saved their asses because everyone was fucking PRAISING Ashton for winning last time, so now I guess I'm in the same boat, but he did his for 5 hours and I did mine for 12 minutes, but oh well. Sorry Richie, I hope you don't go home because you gave it your all! I also totally probably wouldn't have won that duel if it wasn't Survivor Trivia considering it's one of the only things in life I'm actually good at. Time to get high now :)

Why haven't they exiled Jaiden, who says that the reason the word "SOMEONE" was capitalized was because it had to be a fat person. Jaiden ur dumb bye

So after Brian was rescued and Pat sent home, I knew I might have put myself out there a little far.....so knowing that we're going to tribal again, I want to pull back the reigns and slide back into the shadows.

The three names that are coming up most often are Jonathan, Ashley, and Kage. Jonathan's name seemed the most rampant in the earlier part of the round until he came online to form a power alliance between himself, Sarah, Brian, Tommy, Junior, Jaiden, and myself. This changed the minds of the people in the alliance to targeting Ashley instead (given that she was semi-inact and on the outer)

Side-Note: Brian, Sarah, and I have an alliance so it works perfectly for us to camouflage.

And Kage, oh silly Kage, thinking that Ashley was somehow the right person to go after for his game....basically campaigned against her too despite her campaigning against Jonathan, thus helping both of them. Classic Kage.

Anyways. I was going to tell Alex about it considering I still had allegiance to him (as Junior did to Linus and Richie), but then I come to find out that he was co-leading an alliance with Kage that included the two of them, Tommy, Linus, and Ashley. Tommy claimed it had been made the first round and had halfway dissolved but thought I should know since we are so "close" and since they flipped on him in the first vote...

Now, although I'm not sure I believe it entirely yet, I didn't tell Alex about the vote going against Ashley because A) I kinda thought he knew B) In the case that Tommy is telling the truth, I don't want to be the idiot that caused a correct idol play to occur and have Jonathan go home. I can mend my bridge with Alex despite what the truth is, but I can't mend the bridge with my alliance if I were the reason one of them went home.

So although Ashley seemed like a gem, she had to go....now let's hope I can stay in the safe-zone and stay alive at our next tribal...

Kage is such a sweet guy and I know he means no harm but girl... you're going home.  It was inevitable that his target was going to be front and center and it seems like this round is his unless he pulls out an idol.  I do think that he would vote another direction, say Richie or Jonathan, but I'm not 100% sure.  He thinks it would be iconic if we went from enemies to allies, as do I, but I'm not sure if that's in my best interest.

I told Richie a lot of stuff this round so far because I want him to trust me.  We didn't have any layer of trust built up yet, so I needed to do that quick, and I think I have successfully done that.

Also, Jonathan tried to pull a big move and mentioned maybe actually targeting Richie like Kage suggested to him, but I shut that shit down real quick.  I don't think it's a good move to save someone who we could work with in the future and is trustworthy as of yet compared to someone who is a complete mess and has thrown so many names out there to be targeted. So all-in-all, I'm not playing a huge game, but I do want to toot my own horn and say that I think I'm playing this game much better now. ^~^

so yeah voted in minority and lost duel but today brian tells me that people have been saying my name for this vote so i turned up my social game and have been talking to people all day and then now tommy just confronted me saying that ashley told tommy that i told ashley that tommy was voting for ashley last night... which is complete bullshit because i didnt tell ashley shit and i was the only person to not vote her out so why the fuck would i be throwing shit around and why would she be throwing me under the bus when i was the only person on her side??? but then tommy told me that ashley told him that alex told ashley that i told alex that tommy was voting ashley... which i DID tell alex that tommy was voting ashley so thats possibly true but of course i told tommy i didnt say shit lmao and then tommy was trying to be like "so alex is the one trying to stir shit?" and i know i need to save myself but i cant throw alex under the bus to save myself because hes the only person in this game that i trust even though his stupid ass dumb fucking mouth got me in trouble in the first place but if he leaves then i'm alone and fucked anyway and i just hate everyone.....

i've been on a bit of a campaign trail trying to talk about the fact that its heroes vs villains and the hosts are going to play up the theme and keep the tribes this way for a while without a swap so keep me around because im an asset in challenges i made the flag i particiapted in the scavenger hunt and i stepped up for the duel( even though i floppped) and that im alone in the game so use me as a number im out of the loop strategically so just keep me around.... idk whats going to happen

i hope and feel like im good with brian alex junior and jaiden + myself thats 5 people and majority is 6 so if i can figure out a way to defuse and deescalate the situation and maybe just make people like me enough they dont want to vote me out i'll be able to stick around but i dont have high hopes because this tribe is a fucking mess where one name gets thrown out then everyone jumps on it and waffles back and forth for hours on what to do until its the last second and they just decide to go with the most prominent name so they keep themselves safe this is the most usless group of people ive ever seen but wish me luck!

Okay, so because Queen Jonathan wants to vote out Alex, we're apparently voting Alex out?  I don't really like this.  I really don't.  I don't have a strong relationship with Alex, but I also just don't see the necessity to make this tribe look messier and messier.  It outs a big alliance, shows Kage and Richie they're on the bottom... like... why?  And it also outs Linus as a solo man.  I really just am scared.  This move seems like too much too soon.  I don't like it.

What I told Jaiden: >>Okay my issue with this big move against Alex is not anything to do with like Alex.  I don't have a good relationship with him at all bc we don't really click, so I don't care if we send him out the door, but we're not only putting Richie, Kage, and Linus on the outs if this move works, it's outing a now obvious group.  If we just vote Kage, it's a united front.  Kage isn't going to help us and although Alex and Richie might flip in the future anyway, we're villains for a reason.  And Jonathan pushing his agenda is not making me feel any better.  I don't want to look back and be like, "Why did we let jonathan do whatever the fuck he wanted?"

Trying to figure out the game like

Also god bless Johnny and his Survivor knowledge

havent done of these in a while. so anyways, here's where i'm at. i've got a seven person alliance, i hate kage and alex, linus is suspect af, and i could probably get screwed tonight because i'm being really strategical.

tonight is the night i do NOT want to go home at, so i'm making a master plan to avoid that happening. i cracked a plan to rid this game of alex s forever, but i am almost certain that alex KNOWS about this plan and is coming for me hardcore. i blame crow or junior, maybe sarah. who knows, truly.

anyways... i told brian to vote for kage with me and hopefully richie. i'll talk to richie and be like hi pls make sure you vote for K A G E. this way, if alex has an idol, the votes at best go 3-2-1 (kage/me probs/richie) and at worst tie 3-3 (kage/me probs) and everyone else draws rocks... lmao

idk why i'm making this all about me, but the universe doesn't revolve around jaiden hantz for nothing. if i go home this fucking early after playing this fucking good... yikes.

HOWEVER: here is where the big risk comes in.

brian and i both have voted for kage. this could take the vote to 5-5-1 depending on where kage votes... which means rocks. LOL. i'm a messy bitch, this is why i'm on the villains tribe. i don't really care if we go to rocks tbh as long as its not me, brian, or tommy... because like i dont necessarily like anyone on this tribe all that much. even if it is me, that's a fucking ICONIC way to go and it's all my fault LOOOOOL. premerge king, tru!

IF this somehow happens to be the last confessional i ever write, at least i looked good writing it. i'm in such a cute position -- got people wrapped around my finger to the point where they went against their hatred of kage to do my bidding and get rid of alex. i am extremely close to people i came into this game HATING (junior and sarah for example), people i didn't even know (jonathan and brian), and people I needed to work with again (tommy and crow). not only that, but kage probably likes me. linus complimented me for being in a good position. alex... can choke idc what his opinion of me is, no offense alex!! (ur a nice guy and a good player, but GOD u intimidate the shit out of me and you have every reason to hate me). richie is aight, just quiet idk.

also, if i go home, this season was the ultimate testament to the player that i am. i take risks, big fucking risks. i have balls, and even though it's premerge, i'm not afraid to flex those muscles and pull some shit out of my ass to make things #happen. it's been fun yall! no bitterness from me here. unless i actually get voted out by the majority of the tribe, i'll rly scream then lmfao

15 minutes until tribal and im going to vomit... i feel a lot more safe now than i did earlier today but its been rough im SUCH a control freak like i want to always be in charge and know whats going on and be the one calling the shots and i know im not in that position so ive taken the back seat and turned up my social game and let everyone else do the work to save me so i wasnt putting myself in the front of the plans where it could come back on me and if it doesnt work out then im never going to forgive myself for not doing more to save myself but if i'm still here then im going to make sure that things change i'm ready to slit some metaphorical throats

*chicken voice* DAMN. I played myself! I'm like, not surprised that I went out premerge...for the fourth time... but to go out by rocks? iconic. inspiring.

other than the obvious sadness that comes with going home, i can't say that i'm really all that upset. i clearly came here to win and i was playing the type of game that could easily get me to that point, but i don't take back any of the moves i made this season... not even that one vote flip that happened. i really thought that alex had an idol! he was being really cocky last minute so i KNEW something was up... it's just disappointing to know that i couldn't have gone all the way with this this season.

my tumblr survivor story is such a mixed bag. i've had many, many failures. today is included. i didn't even make it to single digits this game, one of the most simple goals i set out for me to achieve on this attempt. while we can look at my records, my terrible placements, and all of that garbage, there is absolutely nothing that compares to the gameplay that went into this season to make things happen for me.

for once, i can say that i was not voted out early. not one person put my name down on parchment tonight, not yesterday, and not last week. i have nothing bad to say about a single person i competed against on my tribe this season (except kage sometimes), and maybe they have nothing negative to say about me, either.

i played probably the best game i've ever played in tumblr survivor. i took control, but i still listened to everyone's concerns. i calmed my anxiety from causing me to lose control of the situation. not once did i personally attack a person this season (sad to admit that this is a record for me). but most of all... i'm walking out of here, eleven days later, a changed person. now i know that i have the ability to play well, the doors are wide open for me.

i leave japan with a considerable amount of lessons learned in such a short amount of time. i leave with the strongest friendships i've ever had, new and old. but most of all? i leave overwhelming proud of the change i set forth within myself. i came here a villain and i'd like to say i'm leaving a hero. nothing can take away from the experiences i've had in this milestone game... i am so happy i did this.