#im currently starving at work cause i have no fucking money

[tears-exe]

Triggering vent in tags lol

[tinylittlebab]

blah

[eggsploded]

moar you say.. why then gregor and rodya of coarse....

where would i be without rodigor. where would WE be, without rodigor.

first impression: THE fuckin guy. this dude owns. (insert 50 invasive questions about cockroach anatomy and behavior) i was peeved his roach arm resembled more of a beetle horn than a arm

current impression: when chef greg dropped i got so horny i went to bed lightheaded i still love gregor dearly but my love for him has mellowed like the fondness for a favorite pasta dish.

favorite moment: literally every old fart moment he has. when he forgets names when he berated sinclair for not cleaning his plate when he goes uhhhhhhhhhhhhhh in his dialogue because he doesnt know where hes going with this

story idea: despite his deep frying and boiling during hells chicken i think the bus kinda Likes this guy. gregors a bit of a hot commodity. hes just a fella you can Jive with. a real Stand Up guy. now let him be loved, if obliviously through his own self consciousness. a friendly heathcliff rough slap on the back delays his depressive episode by 15 minutes

fav relationship: oh boy where to start!!!! rodigor. enough on that. meurgreg, not really romantic to me but i like the art of it that is. it revolves around a big fella carrying him under his arm so automatic slay. ive seen a little gregcliff action on the TL but its more of a 'work got me friends with people twice my age like whats uncle greg up to' ordeal to me. now lets get insane. gregsang is incredible to me because yi sang is the only mf on that bus EASIER than gregor. gregor got game? that hes aware of? while stuttering the whole journey? its kind of crazy. i dont actually have a reason why they would even like eachother yet but put rodya in there somewhere to toy with them if you want true crackshipping fun

fav headcanon: hes a little chunky

RODYA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! my favit

first impression: me furiously searching for her height on the wiki + nodding my head sagely deciding woman with sleepy eyes is peak character design (faust included). i trust her wholeheartedly even if she leads me hand in hand into a woodchipper

current impression: waiting for projmoon to drop more lore on her desperately because i know canto 2 wasnt everything. i feel a disconnect with the fanbase about her because i see rodya characterized sooooo differently than how i think of her. the gambling thing and her effortless confidence for example isnt really questioned like how it is with dons bravado. i see her gambling as an outlet for her complicated views on money. she feels as though being financially 'secure' as the lone survivor as a betrayal to all the deaths she caused. gambling not only aligns with her current im the hottest shit attitude but also is a way for her to not be responsible for money. the hoarding of wealth is what caused her community to starve, why would she want to do something that seems to harm others? shes very self destructive, and feigning as slots star is just one of the ways she forces herself to 'stay in the cold'. ummmmmmmmm anyway im really normal about rodya and think about her a normal amount also her love for decadant food really resonates with me as someone who was poor in childhood because the difference between eating to live and living to eat is Astronomical

favorite moment: shes started branching out and calling other people than greg pet names and it is so exciting. faust has now reached babe status!! good for her!!! also when she infantalizes sinclair its terrible for him but REALLY funny for me when he responds back and reminds her oh right this is a 22 year old man. also her random interjections that are socialist ideology are really funny because they always feel so fucking random and like projmoon is remembering why crime and punishment was written and going drop this bomb ass line itll go so hard guys

story idea: i want her to play poker against yi sang because hes weird and also his poker face is like. genuine and dear adoration for being able to play with his companions because deep in his soul is gardens and butterflies. she would be so freaked out not only because this guy agreed to playing poker but also because he is invasively (he didnt mean it) staring into her SOUL to find solutions

fav relationship: my thoughts are half the bus are in love with gregor and the other half with rodya with cases of overlap. rodya is so epic because shes seemingly got it together to the more deranged sinners but to anyone else its like oh my god this paper mache bitch the former being more faustish the latter being more ryoshuish. faustya is cute because faust initially wanted to absorb more Bad Bitch Strategems and then kinda got a crush and is hardcore malfunctioning also kurokumo ryodion got sumn GOING yall crazy love is love though

fav headcanon: shes actually really short for Lobotomy Corp Backstreets Russia and everyone there is just freakishly tall (see: sonya)

[amiaboyoragirl]

alone

i dont have any friends. i live at home with emotionally unavailable parents and my brother, who is my only semi trusted person. we are really close and honestly if i didnt have him i wouldnt be alive but we definitely butt heads and i feel bullied by him even though he doesnt mean to hurt my feelings hes just a blunt ass bitch and 6.5 years younger than me but the dynamic is basically im a big baby he feels the need to take care of. and were codependent with weed nicotine and money/food. im a mess and cant get a job, he does instacart when hes not stoned af at home. hes the only person i interact with during the day other than awkward convos with my mom complaining about something and at least once a day i have to hug my dad which makes me very uncomfortable because 1. im autistic. 2. i have sexual trauma 3. he has traumatized me so bad but either doesnt remember or doesnt think it was traumatic (didnt involve incest but he was too involved in my personal business and forced me on birth control that fucked up my health for a while when the incident that caused him to flip was asault but my mom just slut shamed me and yeah anyway my relationship with them is fucked) but i have ocd and if i dont hug them i feel like theyre gonna die after that thinking idont love them because they cant see any other reason why i wouldnt hug them. and honestly im touch starved so a hug is nice here and there but my body is so uncomfortable here. ive lived here my whole life and i feel helpless. im sure it is learned helplessness because of trauma but still i cannot fucking function outside in the world alone.

i also have tits that make me uncomfortable and im currently trying to figure out if i feel this way because im trans or because of trauma and the general sexualization of the female body and social dynamics idk. i also just got out of a 3.5 year relationship with someone i thought i was going to marry and shit but i felt like i was a lesbian and broke up with him even though i didnt want to lose him i knew he wouldnt love me the way i loved him or if i was a guy inside he wouldnt love me anymore. i know he loved me. but a lot of it feels fuzzy and i cant decipher what was real or if it was all chemicals cuz we fucked and smoked and ate and watched tv and talked all the time. the sex was fucking amazing. sometimes i cry about it still. and i still cant touch myself without thinking about him and just forcing myself to dissociate through it and sleep immediately after. ive always been a sex addict since i was way too fucking young but before this relationship i was sleeping with multiple guys all the time, i needed it to get through going to school and work and keeping up the mask. but then covid hit. met my ex. realized we are autistic. i couldnt keep pretending and forcing myself to work in a fucking restaurant that was sensory hell and triggered my eating disorder. ughhhhh god dammit i know im just romanticizing my ex relationship because im missing the sex and affection and talking to him but realistically we werent going to last and i still feel like we both were hiding some feelings or thoughts we had idk i think he couldve been a narcasisstic asshole but my heart doesnt feel that way, maybe im the narcasist and hes just audhd and traumatized just like me. idk fuck. i miss him so much. we were doing so good like finally things felt peachy again and looking up for us even tho in reality it wasnt we were and are still broke addicts too stubborn to get help. but it was fun while it lasted i guess.

anyway i feel like a rabbit in a hole running out of food and water while the world dances in the snow covering the exit. idk. i havent eaten breakfast yet and i already smoked twice so im sure ill eat and sleep this shit off but idk the thing that gets me everyday is i wake up from a dream i feel like im with my ex and then wake up alone and sad as fuck and it just ruins my day because i let it, i dont want to let go of the pain, of him, i fucking miss him and wish things could be different. we always said we wanted to die holding each other in bed like that couple preserved in pompeii. my chest is on fire right now and if i could just have one more night together id do anything. we have the same birthday so that sucks. i wanted to say happy birthday but it felt way too soon and idk if itd ruin his day or not but iwas def sad all day. we broke up 2 months ago now and havent spoken since but i saw him twice waiting to cross the street while i drove by and my heart sank to my ass. he looked good af. but i have to be honest with myself its not my responsibility to try to make him not angry and act like a man child sometimes. and its not fair tohim to feel responsible for my moods all the time we just couldnt take care of eachother the way we needed because we are both depleted of what we need idk. im going back to sleep. im just feeling emo we shouldnt get back together but i feel like i cant trust my brain because im bpd and pmdd and i always feel this way around my period, we break up then my periods over and im sad as fuck about it and regret it. its too late now im sure hes lost any interest in me and has moved on.good for him. he should. i actually really hope hes happy right now. but i know i didnt feel completely right with him so fuck it ill just try to move on. i just wish i could be normal and have a job or school and friends stuff to distract myself and have new memories but im so isolated rn and depressed idk. i might feel fine tomorrow so i wont kms lol. bpd is sooo fun. especially with gender and sexuality ocd and just wanting to be loved but feeling so unlovable ayyyyy.. i could feel hot after breakfast who knows.

[diary20216969]

why>?

-because i have crippling gender dysphoria and even the thought of doing something so womanly makes me want to puke and then cut my ovaries out with a fork

-because i dont want stretch marks

-cause i dont want my vagina ass and clit ripped apart and then sewed back

-i dont want baby fat

-i dont wanna give life to something that may end up getting borderline personalty, depression, schizophrenia, polycistic ovarian syndrome, anxiety or substance addiction.

-cause life sucks and not putting someone through this current reality is a gesture of kindness

-cause my body is mine and i dont want anything inhabbiting it

-cause i hate commiting to anything

-cause i dont owe it to anyone

-cause breastfeeding disgusts me to the core

-cause i love y skinny body and flat tummy

-cause i love sleeping

-cause i love drugs

-cause i love fucking people

-cause i love having y perfect body worshiped

-cause i love being a sex worker

-cause i love looking young

-cause i already have enough people to provide for

-cause ive done things i’ll never be able to say out loud or forgive myself for,ever

-cause im not a walking vagina or a breathing uterus

-cause im too smart and have too any dreas and goals to accomplish instead on focusing on whiping shit out of an infant’s ass

-cause i wanna beat the shit out of any kid that cries like a stupid fuck

-cause i hate men and if i would get pregnant with a son i’d abort it instantly, lol

-cause i dont wanna go blind, have all my hair fall out

-cause i dont need any more ptsd from childbirth or depression from postpartum

-cause i dont want to spend 9 onths of my life walking on eggshells with my thoughts eotions actions and diet

-cause i love my free time

-cause i haven’t lived yet. cause i want and deserve to.

-cause i want all my money to myself

-cause i flushed the last one down the toiled, not before showing it the middle finger after causing myself an abortion and telling that little piece of shit that i won and to fuck off to hell.

-im selfish and i love it

-cause the world is dangerous and cruel

-cause kids make you weak and are a liability

-cause i just dont wanna deal with a teenager’s bullshit again

-cause i will totally fuck them up for good lol

-cause i already raised a kid while i was a kid and had no childhood or happiness

-cause i unhealthy as fuck

-cause in m family both my mom and dad, brothers and e have chronic ibs

-cause i want my childfree life to be a statement that everyone in my faily is a stupid fucking breeder and they can fuck off

-cause our planet is dying and becoming slowly inhabitable

-cause by 2030 there won’t be enough food to feed everyone

-because the world is already overpopulated and there is not enough food or space to sustain us all

- cause men exist

-cause i not a dumb animal that was born to procreate but i was born to die.

-cause there’s no life after death, and inbetween everything sucks

-cause the whole process is so goddamn disgusting

-cause the lil shits pee in my uterus, swi innit, feed on me, make me anemic, give me the most terrible mood swings i’ve fought my whole life to control

-cause they won’t be special, they will be some gross pathethic human like the rest of us

-cause i would love the ore than i love myself and that would hurt me

-cause they would grow up with a single parent

-cause their only parent would be a sex worker that had videos online with herself fucking her ass or puking for money

-cause i’ve fucked 3 kids

-cause they could be lgbt in a world that does’t accept them

-cause i’d be a emotionally unavailable parent

-cause they iage of being called ‘mom’ or ‘dad’ doesn’t ring any bell in my ind and just makes me cringe

-cause i wanna transition to looking androgynous in a couple of years, one way or another, in order to stop feeling dysphoria

-cause im a recurrent drug addict, smoker, drinker with a sex addiction

-cause i’d happily let the be the same things i am

-cause kids are so stupid and gross and we only find the things they do adorable because we are evolutionarly programmed to find them cute in order to protect them and perpetuate the species

-cause cats are so much fucking better

-cause they would most likely need to work their entire life to make money in order to not die or starve

-cause i like reading books

-cause y brother will absolutely have kids one day and thats enough

- cause my kids would be ugly as i was when i was a kid

-cause id muc rather focus on love, romance and finding the perfect girl

-cause theres so uch about myself id want to explore

-cause theres so much i havent tried yet

-

[hitchell-mope]

(Third film. At the courthouse. Bell and Adam are in “discussion” in Hartcourt’s office)

Belle: YOU BASTARD!!!!

Adam: what. What now.

Belle: you cannot take the school. I have been more then generous

Adam: I helped create it!

Belle: IT IS SIGNED IN MY NAME. And. Need I remind you. I had to twist your arm to make it coed and allow non royalty and non humans to be enrolled

Adam: schools are meant for

Belle: everyone! Boy, girls, humans, fairies, dwarves, royal, nob royalty, magic users and mortals alike.

Adam: you said for better or worse

Belle: worse meant if you gambled away our money. Not sinking back into old habits and creating a generational internment camp and becoming little more then the beast you once were

(Adam flips the coffee table in a rage and sends it hurtling into the opposite wall)

Adam: I AM NOT THE BEAST!!!! NOT ANYMORE!!!!

Belle (more calm then she should be): then why did you just throw a table across the room? Mr Hartcourt. I believe we are ready to sign the papers now

Jaques: yes yes. You know where I assume.

Adam: wait

Belle: oh what now!

(This is when “who knew” happens. After the song)

Belle: yeah. Who knew. Who knew you’d devolve into who you were when we met

Adam: you fell in love with that man

Belle: I fell in love with the man who saved me from wolves. Not the creature who threatened to starve me because I refused to dine with him. And certainly not the man who imprisoned innocent children on an island hellscape for two decades. But to you it’s all the same thing isn’t it?

(Adam doesn’t respond)

Belle: See. No answer. Let’s get these papers signed

(On the island)

Mal (on the tv): IM ENGAGED!!!! HAHAHAHA

(On a BarcaLounger a woman with electric blue hair and punk clothes wakes up. And tips over backwards)

Hades: JESUS FUCK! (She snorts and tips the right way up again). Tv rewind! Heh heh. AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH

(From somewhere in the abode)

Hadie (dressed in smudged eyeliner, silk robe, and hair a mess): I just got in ten minutes ago and you’re yelling oh shit. She did it

Hades: my girl did it.

Hadie: Iris is with the dwarf right?

Hades: that’s Hestia my boy

Hadie: and Icarus?

(Hades doesn’t answer)

Hadie: Oh. Well he lived a good life

Hades: your brother was 18 when he sank beneath

Hadie: I said good not long

Hades: ah yeah right. OOH! Iris needs an engagement present from dear old dad

(Her form melts from Eva Green to Jesse L Martin and starts rummaging through the mountains of detritus in the lair)

Hades: ok now where was it

Hadie: no.

Hades: no what?

Hadie: no you can’t. It could kill her. Iris could very well be the uniting force between Auradon and this trash hole. And doing anything to harm that would be stupid shortsighted and just plain fucking annoying.

Hades: how can you say all that with a hangover.

Hadie: reed root.

Hades: ohhhh. Byeeeeee

(He’s engulfed by electric blue flame)

Hadie: no. NononononoGARGH!!!! Fucking deity

(Back in Auradon. The celebration is in full swing. Doug and Evie have commandeered the dance floor. Carlos is being traumatised by Ben’s dad dancing. Jay’s trying to make “dancing in the moonlight” even louder then it currently is. Everyone’s having fun but dizzy who’s desperately trying to get to Mal, who’s giving Jane a little taster of her lady marmalade performance)

Dizzy: aunt Mal! What are you doing

Mal (abruptly standing up): nothing your mother needs to know about. Especially when your present. Jane dear drink your water

(Jane, eyes as wide as dinner plates, takes a sip of water)

Mal: now. What is it you wanted me for kid?

Dizzy: it’s Celia

Mal (the smile melts from her face): what? What’s wrong?

Dizzy: just. Just come on and help me. Please aunt Mal. Please?

Mal: of course. Yes. I will. Where is she?

Dizzy: our room. She’s in a bad way and

(Mal teleports them to Dizzy’s room then has to duck as a draw comes flying at her. Celia’s tearing the room apart growing more and more frantic with each passing second)

Celia: where is it where is it. I can’t have lost it. Please be here. Please be here. Please

Mal (tentatively): Celia? Are you ok?

Celia (thickly): go away. I don’t want you here. Go away.

Dizzy: Mal has the sceptre. She could use it to help

Celia (feeling betrayed): you brought her here. Why?

Mal (taking the heat for Dizzy): because. I have a little experience with losing things. Things that shouldn’t be lost. Magic. Books. Temper. I could help you. Only if you want to though

Celia (face crumpling): I lost it

Mal: lost what honey?

Celia: my cane. I thought I packed it. My dad made it for me. It’s like it’s like

Mal: a security blanket? Helps you sleep? Calms you down when you’re stressed?

(Celia nods tearfully)

Mal: well alright then. Dizzy could you go to the mini fridge? There should be some soda there

Dizzy: sure

Mal: now. You drink this. And take a nap. I’ll be right here with you. And then when you’re feeling better we can make a plan. Sound good?

Celia (feeling a little better): yeah

(Later. Ben poofs in looking for Mal)

Mal: what in gods name are you wearing and can you wear it more often?

Ben: jay stole my clothes and the twins think my crown has chocolate in it

Mal: why did jay steal your clothes.

Ben: bachelor party

Mal: ohhhh right. Where’s he gonna take you? A frat house manned by Homer Simpson?

Ben: I think ro Rome was mentioned.

Mal: you think it was mentioned?

Ben: double clothes change

Mal: hope you had water on hand. (Looks at his hat). Or beer.

(Ben smiles at her sheepishly. She chuckles)

Celia: what in the name of the Other Side are you wearing

Ben (barely able to stop himself from laughing): important king clothes?

Celia: looks like a burial shroud

(Bal collapse into laughter, Celia joins in right after. Jay poofs in wearing the same thing as Ben)

Mal (still laughing): now this. This works on jay.

Ben (choking on laughter): built like a Greek god

Celia: are they always like this?

Jay: sometime. Never on Saturdays though.

Celia: ah.

(Mal eventually calms down, Ben is still laughing)

Mal: what can we do you for?

Jay: well you disappeared. Then Ben disapperead. You guys are engaged. It’s a party. Have fun. Come on back down to the entrance yard. Everyone’s waiting for you.

Mal: well. Everyone should be in one place so I can tell them

Jay: tell them what?

(Two minutes, a teleportation and an announcement later)

Evie: you’re going WHERE?

Mal: the island. Celia forgot something and she needs it. So I’m going to go with her to get it

Carlos: are you absolutely sure?

Mal (cupping his face in her hands): it’s sweet that you care. But I’m sure. If it doesn’t work you (pointedly to Evie) and only you have my express permission to say “I told you so”

Carlos: I’d like that. I’d really like that

Jay: we’re coming too

Ben: seconded

Devie and Carlos: thirded

Mal: I couldn’t ask you to do that.

Evie: oh M. You’re not asking. We’re telling. Because last time you fucked off ben almost teared the steering wheel off in the limo. The he yelled at me

Dizzy: you were kind of to blame mom

Mal: hey Celia. On the way there. I’m sure Ben and Doug would love to see the cards

Celia (feeling much better now): if they’re prepared to pay up

Dizzy: you can take it out of my allowance

Doug: your allowance is half of my allowance

Dizzy: right.

Ben: I’ll pay for both of us

Celia: anyway is ok with me

Mal: lets go then

Gil: uhhhh. Can I stay here. I don’t wanna leave my boys again

Ben: sure bud

Dizzy: I’m coming with you guys

Devie: no.

Dizzy: why the hell not

Doug: because we won’t be there long

Gil: ah don’t worry Dizz. You can stay with us. Lonnie and I’ll be fencing.

Dizzy: I guess staying here won’t be so bad

Doug (sardonically): of course

Celia: I think she should come with us. She’s my best friend.

(Mal and Evie look at each other trying not to laugh)

Mal: the choice is up to Dizzy

Dizzy: I stay here

Evie: alright then. Let’s go

(Once on the island

Celia: well I just made forty bucks so I’m feeling much better

Ben: there’s plenty more where that came from

Facillier: you do know that she’ll hold you to that

Celia: DAD!

(She runs up to her dad who picks her up)

Facillier: I do hope she hadn’t caused you any trouble

Mal: no. Don’t worry. We’re just back so Celia can grab something she forgot

Celia: my cane

(The other four vks faces pale)

Carlos (venom in his voice): what

Celia: my cane. I can’t sleep without it

Mal: ok. We’re leaving. And your lucky I don’t burn this place to the ground. And you along with it. “Shadow man”

Facillier (perplexed): wait what? What are you talking about

Doug: uh doctor facillier. I um. I think my family may have got their wires crossed. Evie. Honey. Walking stick.

Evie: what. (She follows Doug’s line of sight) ohhhh. Urgh. Our bad

Celia: dad made it for me. I can’t sleep without it

Mal: right. Um. You go get it. We’ll wait right here

(Celia runs off. Leaving the others standing around awkwardly)

Ben: Doctor Facillier. I am so sorry that we thought

Facillier: please your majesty. Call me Antoine. And don’t be sorry. It’s nice to see that Auradon has done something good for the isle children. You’ll be back next Saturday I assume

Ben: of course. And you can call me Ben if you like

Facillier (dryly): ah ha. I’d rather not

Ben (seeing he’s outstayed his welcome): oookay

Carlos: hey dad. Wanna see me neat Doug at the games?

Doug: nice try C. But I’m a professional dancer

Carlos: so am I.

Ben: that means you’re evenly matched. Should be interesting. C’mon. K OK yes see who wins. Malta holidays the reward

(Elsewhere. A short-ish brunette pirate is bumbling her way to Mal jay and Evie)

Harriet (her soft voice at odds with her harsh tone): well we’ll well. Lookee what we got ‘ere. The grand high bitch as dinged to grade us with her present

Mal: oh jeez. Hello Harriet.

Harriet (belching): lizard

Mal: ew. How drunk are you woman

Harriet: ......quite

Evie: oh don’t worry. Soon all that (she gestures to the pirates face) will be covered by a death mask

Harriet: you gonna do me in like you did my bruvver?

Jay: oh dear hookette. He deserved what happened to him

Harriet: HE CANT FUCKING SWIM. HE DROWNED. HES DEAD. YOU LOT KILLED HIM. YOU KILLED EM BOTH

Mal: they tried to kill my friends and family. They tried to capsize and drown the entire student body

Harriet: who gives a fuck about them. They never cared about us. Oh but of course. Uma was right. Uma’s always right

Facillier (intervening before the situation escalates): go home Miss Hook. You’re drunk

Harriet: I’ve been drunk for a year Ant

Facillier: that is Doctor Facillier to you. Now get out. Before I throw you out.

Harriet: make me honey

Facillier: I am older than your father

Harriet: hasn’t stopped me befAAAAAAAAAAAAH

(She’s encased in shade and dragged through the floor)

Celia (eyes glowing fuchsia): you guys aren’t the only ones with magic

Evie (squeaking): EEEEEEEEEEE! What was that

Celia: that means he likes you

Mal: who?

Celia: my pet shadow. Skygge. I can keep him right?

Ben: sure

Celia: yes! Bye daddy

Facillier: bye my girl. And remember. Make sure you get your cut

Celia: already got forty bucks.

Facillier: very good girl. Make sure to write

Celia: of course

(As they’re leaving)

Facillier: lady Mal. Can we talk

Mal: sure...?

Facillier: you are in possession of very precious cargo.

Mal: we know.

Facillier: I know the king. And your sister. The genie. Your son. And Doug all know. But I want to make sure that you know. My daughter is very important to me. If anything should happen to her

Mal: it won’t

Facillier (eyes glowing fuchsia): if it should. I shall hold you personally responsible

Mal (eyes glowing emerald green): I understand your concern. And I assure you. It won’t.

Facillier: the first sign of danger you get her out. She will want to fight but you put your foot down. Do you understand Mal?

Mal: yes. I thoroughly understand. Antoine

Facillier (cracking a very wide smile): well then. Congratulations on the engagement. I’m sure you’ll make a great queen.

Mal: thank you

(At the limo)

Evie: god I love...haaaaaa-hooooow you stopped us causing a scene. I really appreciate it.

Doug (knowing what she was going to say): you’re welcome

(He gets in. Mal poofs in and throws her arm around Evie’s shoulder)

Mal: gotta tell eventually kid

Evie: when we’re ready. Old lady

Mal (smirking and secretly proud of her sister): touché

(They both get in the limo and Carlos starts driving away from the isle)

[akalegos]

Could you tell us a little about your characters?

Y E S !

but due to me having at least over a thousand characters I’ll just give a quick summary of the 25 I manage to dig up over 3 sketchbooks.

Y’all can pick and choose which of them interest yall or who you wanna hear more about!

Also because I’m extra, I made sketch icons for the 25 characters, info under the cut

I’ll talk a bit more about my actual Original Characters first, starting with

Aiko! Otherwise known as Echo

- A marked individual in a steampunk world that gets mixed with magic, because I like both of those things

- Echo runs an underground lab that does helps the underground world with replacing body parts, illegal surgeries etc etc

- Even though she marked, which puts a bounty on her head already, she is well respected by the community for not cheating for your money, stealing your cash, or shanking/killing you mid-surgery

- however, Echo does long for adventure and sometimes do get bored in the lab

oh yeah,, Echo like stealing eyeballs, so if you’re low on cash and wouldn’t mind losing an eye, you know who to call!!

Bonus:

Here’s Echo’s boring, undeveloped sidekick!! I don’t like her and I don’t know how to make her better. Yes, she doesn’t have a name.

here’s my god playboy that left “heaven” due to having an early mid-life crisis, I call him God boi cause;

- He goes by many names! 

tbh, he’s probably the closest character I have to being genderfluid/-neutral? I’m not sure,,

- The god has many powers, from lightning to shapeshifting

- The shapeshifting part allows him to change every part of himself, allowing him to change depending on his situation.

- God boyo, or originally Aristide, is obsessed with the idea of perfection. A god should be perfect, if a god is out of line, he is no god. 

- Same goes for him, which means whenever something is wrong with him, it affects him, extremely

However, leaving the land of gods to live among humans aren’t all perks

- Aris isn’t immune to diseases or injuries. In fact, he actually fell down and died on impact when he came to earth, being reborn into another child immediately.

- He doesn’t gain his memories back automatically tho!! He has to have a major shock to the brain in order for him to remember his previous lives

- Sometimes the shock isn’t enough either, when you have a thousand over lives, you won’t remember every single one of them. So forgotten lovers coming back to haunt because your brain hates you? That’s everyday for him!

i just,, i like playing with the concepts of god,,

Up next we got Ayeka Himura! A japanese student going to a neighborhood, but still a pretty good, school living close to poverty due to her father’s constant spending habits and obsession with art supplies. With the household lacking a mother due to wacky shenanigans, Ayeka takes care of her two younger siblings and the house, all while maintaining a very well-paid job and slowly loosing interest in actually studying for a good, honest job.

also she likes birds!!

Yes her design is heavily “based” off Toga but I love her current design too much to change it, h e l p

So like,, I suck at chinese and I made ocs that exclusively spoke in chinese to help with that but I’m still stuck at 40~marks

I forgot his scar but remembered his earring i hate myself

my og chinese kiddo! he was was first to come and I love his design ever since

he radiates fuck you energy except the girl below. He’s neighbors with her and they acknowledge each other existence ever since. he has a dumb cliche crush on her and is a bit protective of her because nothing says having issues than latching onto someone that makes you happy

Only this girl got named!! even tho she was the second character.

Li Shen, yes she doesnt have a surname, is apparently main ho now, according to my old oc chart of my “main” ocs

She’s the group’s resident sweetheart and really does not want you to do stupid shit, stop doing stupid shit. She tutors my son up there ^^ even though he’s actually smart and just refuses to do his work properly. But she still deeply cares for him.

As well as the girl below shdifhd

the last girl of the ching chong trio and the reason I had to switch up my son’s design is this girly over here! Her design was too business-y and formal so I enrolled all of them into college. A rich girl who doesn’t know how to deal with her g a y thoughts. Tried sending Li Shen some flowers once. She didn’t realize attaching her name would be a good idea and son got a good laugh.

i like paranormal stuff so they apparently look into that shit in their spare time. They’re all actually really fun characters to do prompts with I swear!! send some in and I’ll write them

I had a previous concept for son and Li Shen before last girl came and if yall want me to talk about it,,, i found my sketchbook with the old ideas,,

NEXT UP IS MY OLD GIRL ELORA!!

Elora herself used to be a fan character but I pulled her out and wow\

cant fucking believe she used to be straight for Vylad

shes the outgoing, fun adventure type! bit of mommy issues here and there tho,, I don’t want to say too much since I have an entire for her +

her now upgraded bro, Vincent

i really like the name vincent,,

also now he has mommy issues

Ead, the knight who used to have armor

I hate drawing armor 

he also have issues

AND IRIS MY SWEET GIRL IM SO SORRY

she doesnt have that much issues tho

basically I made elora and her bro have mommy issues, I’m sorry in advance if that spoils anything

I, sometimes, post about these 4 over on @eloradiesismydocsname​ and its a gay ol’ time

not that gay tho because uhh,, medieval times,, but I need prompts for a modern au of them and I am happy to talk about their personalities and even go semi in-depth for any of them!!

here we have ghoster.png,, which is her file name cause I didn’t name her,,

A horror enthusiast + film student that goes to a supposedly haunted shack to film her upcoming project with the boys. wacky shenanigans occur and the boys left leaving ghoster here to starve and eventually fall to her death. But because it’s my oc i get to bring her back from the dead, now hungry as ever and will fucking eat you, its not a kink thing, shes just that hungry and angry

tax fraud.png

a robo girl that i created during social studies cause they were talking about taxes and i just went, “what if,, a robo runs on taxes,,, and like,, she haunts you down for not paying your taxes,,” thus she was born! I don’t know what to name her but she is set in the future so-

Time to go future-apocalypse style because I love that setting too and was upset that I didn’t have any ocs in that style. So I created Alex A. ! A cybrog filled with memories of the previous generations as a sad attempt to preserve human life.

He’s accompanied by his sister/cousin idr i didn’t draw an icon for her, didnt like her design. they go on a hunt for food and to return with nothing. She gets to meet this other dude who has a plant arm im pretty sure i based him off someone’s elses oc but i cant remember. The 3 are forgotten. Kinda want to bring them back tho.

Neon! A character set in the future utopia of lazy people, where gamers rise up. its the best I can describe her story without getting too deep. She the new hacker on the block, joining the underground gang of elite hackers. She’s another one of those wacky characters that just has fun. I mean, when you know your way around codes and the world you live in is full of it, would you not take advantage of that?

as for fan characters,, uhh,, i have em

STARTING WITH MY WIFE!

Alexzandra Zara oh my god i forgot to draw her necklace and shirt

anyways,, Alexzandra is one of the more older ocs I have that didnt get a big revamp. Only an au I develop to the point I forgot the actual shows and the original cast are a little different from the source haha what? She’s the emotionally unstable german war veteran, yes the wife thing isn’t mutual, and haha shes only 27~. I cling onto her so much?? She’s hits a lot of “edgy” points but I still love her cause idk,, the story I made for her is something I hold dear cause Alexzandra was one of my first ACTUALLY DEVELOPED CHARACTER. Is it wrong to say I hold her really close to my heart? Is that weird? probably a little cringy sorry haha. I probably project a little into her which might have strengthened my love for her ack. Her story delves more into the depression very unstable needs to talk to someone side and i get scared talking about my wife’s story online so uhh, idk ask me specific questions about her, I’ll be more inclined to talk.

Dr Watts! The spoiled ass dick that stole dst Wilson’s house and yes this is a dst oc, yes im slightly sorry.

He’s just fun?? almost ran a blog with him and a friend’s oc. He’s your typical uptight old science gramps that took advantage of the fact that no one knows his real name that he calls himself a doc. He’s not. I put everything about him up to a 9-10? He’s one of those wacky characters and I love him for it! His story is really wonky tho so might need help solidifying that part 

and from the angry old man to my sweet man that will adopt you even if you’re noisy or call him ginger. Pilot here is a TF2 OC I made to interact with other tf2 OCs cause some of them are fun and i wanna join in :((

He’s the Canadian stereotype, and yes, he adopted scout, that was one of my character notes. 

Like the actual cast of tf2, there’s barely any real story to him. I only gave him a vague I don’t know my past but hey, i fly really really well. He participated in war unlike certain men but he’s still really nice and will only kill you if you hurt his family. Which he doesn’t know so he just considers the cast his family. He keeps mentioning a wife though, pretty sure he doesn’t have one but you do what makes you happy son.

Ai! an oc I HEAVILY revamped oh my god i hate her old vers. So if yall remember my random shouting of missing my og son, Aru. Here’s his bff. cause he barely has any actual friends that give a shit. And I just cant have that. but here’s your yandere revamped into a last minute addition. I actually feel like I did Ai a lot of justice. I don’t want to delve too deep cause I will start making charts. I’ll do that in a separate post if yall are keen

Isamu Aena! a mp100 oc I made by accident cause idk,, I was thinking about lolita fashion and all of a sudden, the actual oc I was going to make turned into a mob psycho oc. She’s one of my few ocs where her sexuality matters (she’s gay yeah) cause it plays a role in her storyline. She went from being “manipulated”/used to Mob’s wingwomen. She spots out things that can help him in the romantic department cause she’s into romance. A student of the school Mob infiltrated and a fantastic tailor, not to mention a pretty decent pyschic. wait where do models get their lolita stuff from,,

im gonna ignore that and move onto Lillian Yi! Who, i swear i did not meant for it, is very close to lloyd. I mean,, none of the ninjas were with him after s3, who you think he’d meet. Lillian is a survivor from the Great Devourour and yes I’m still pissed LEGO stole my backstory for Lillian to use for Harumi. FUCK YOU LEGO, i still love both of em tho,, The event did leave a big scar and it made Lillian job jumping for a bit, ending at Chen’s Noodles in S6~, where ya know,, stuff got better. She was a medalist for gymnastics and continue the activity, even after her parents’ death, to please others. She was already lost at the time so staying in the sport would help, right? Needless to say, after being rejected at a cop academy for youths, or something similar, she gave up for a while but got back into the idea of saving people by using her skills she already had. It helped with the weight and feelings and meeting the green ninja was a very big bonus. Also Lloyd dubbed her the “mysterious stranger” when she refused to speak in fear of her identity, slight shame, and maybe a bit of being star struck. It helped Lloyd too in a sense where he had something to distract him from Zane’s passing.

 Their relationship was eventually formed, strong and almost unbreakable, except for harumi but uhh thats a different story. Throughout the seasons, they stayed close and lloyd was always comforted by Lillian went times get ruff.

Also Lillian is my most light-hearted characters and I think that says a lot

Then there’s Nite “I don’t want to be your dad”. A character that is supposed to be in the ninjago world but barely interacts with the main story and only stays in his self contained plot. He was supposed to get a bf but uhhh idk. He’s the master of shifting and streams that online, taking out small crimes, and is actually really shy and doesn’t like interacting with people.

also haha fortnite

Nora Akino, the sin of despair! its an ad thing, I think. She speaks only in a foreign language that only Odin understands and is either big gay for Ava or Maggi, she can’t pick. And yes she did drink the vial, when TITAN attacks your planet and you accidentally die, how else can you meet your family again? also my grandpa walked in and said she looks like royalty. cool-

she wouldn’t leave my hand for like,, 3 days or something

Petri, a fellow troublemaker at camp campbell’s music camp. She managed to pick the camp because apparently a parent who doesn’t acknowledge your hard work don’t read the fine print! Please let David adopt her,,

LASTLY! Yukimaru Atsuko, hero name; Gummie. She goes by Yuki and is a big dick. She’s a studious student but gets more thrills on the actual battlefield. Living with her uptight grandma and her big bottom energy bro, she has the dom energy thing going. and apparently folks on G+, or the people who comment about her, thinks she’s really pretty, which was oddly a thing back before UA. She’s the dick you can like, not like Bakugou but she will definitely want to fight Bakugou. 

A gum-related quirk is not full of perks when its only your hands. I’d dive more into her like her insecurities and stuff but I’ve been here for probably 3hrs. Sorry anon.

Also I’m so sorry to anyone who reads this all the way through.

[death-knight7]

the main reasons why i haven’t been the most active in the past long while

be warned, these deals a lot about my personal life and mental health so it’s going to get heavy, don’t click the read more if you think you don’t care or simply feel like you shouldn’t read it.

So in the past 8 months, my life has been an utter shit show. 

End of last year i was nearly kicked out of my home if i didn’t find a job simply because i fucked up some things i was doing around the house. Right off the bat this is difficult for me because almost all of the jobs in a RETIREMENT county like mine are going to be entirely nurses or doctors, things that require a degree to apply to.

thankfully i managed to a job and it was great for the next three or so months before my family and i were forced to move due to an argument between my mother and her boyfriend. There’s alot to unpack there but i won’t go deep into it. AFTER THAT, we moved in with my grandparents.

I’m still here but after a few months my mom and my youngest brother went back to the boyfriends house for whatever fucking reason. Now it’s just me, my sister and my grandparents and aunt living together on their property (sort of, i live in a back house, same property, different building with cheap rent.)

Now here’s where things really made a dive bomb maneuver. About a month after moving back out of my grandparents place my mom started asking for money. Which honestly, no big deal, not exorbitant amounts, 100$ 200$ max (it;s still alot for me, but i’ll get to why i didn’t mind as much back then.) i would give it to her and she would pay me back when she got paid next so it was never a big issue as long as i was getting my money back.

Then she would start asking for more and wouldn’t pay me any back, or would pay very little back and totally forget about the rest. Now i’m starting to get stressed out because i do have some bils to pay, nothing extreme (yet) and have to start really managing my money.

Mind you while this is going on, i am 20 years old, i get paid once a month and am only paid like a buck and a half more than minimum wage. I DON’T MAKE A LOT OF CASH AND HAVE TO SAVE IT A LOT. Then i go to the hospital BECAUSE I AM STARVING MYSELF BECAUSE MY BODY CAN’T HANDLE ANY FOOD OR LIQUID THAT ISN’T CLEAR OR UNSEASONED TO THE POINT OF TASTING LIKE DIRT

One ER trip later and i;m paying off the shittiest hospital in my county to stay off my heels long enough while trying to balance rent, and other bills as well as trying to stay alive enough to go to work to make money to manage all these fucking things.

AND THEN.

My mental health takes a dive

I’ve never been clinically diagnosed but i’m pretty sure i’v had depression since my middle school days. It was never to bad and i would have lows but i would eventually bounce back and be my normal moody self not my depressed moody self. It got even better in high school when i stopped being moody and things were going fairly well for me.Shit happened between then and this current cycle but lets say that this shit has a history of repeating itself.

It has gotten to the point where i am tired All. The. Time. And i can’t wait to go back to sleep and hate waking up so much to the point of nearly getting upset for it. Now it’s to the point where i hate both myself and this ever growing trench of self perpetuating agony caused by my inabilty to say No for once in my fucking life but have zero energy or motivation to work towards bettering myself or even wanting to get better in the first place. 

It’s all self imposed, doesn’t mean it isn’t fair in the first place. Who knows maybe im just making an excuse for not being motivated to do something that i originally poured so much of my soul into and feel bad about it (but if that were the case why won’t i try something new?). 

Regardless, I’m at a very low point in my life at the moment and all of the above are reasons why. If you’ve made it this far you’re probably too dedicated about me as a person and probably don’t follow my main blog enough to see or read the shit i post there.

Anyways, Cheers - from someone who will always be your DK

[lokbobpop]

Experiment

The 15th century meaning was "having experience," from the Latin root experimentum, "test or trial." Definitions of experimental. adjective. of the nature of or undergoing an experiment.

1 : a procedure carried out under controlled conditions in order to discover an unknown effect or law, to test or establish a hypothesis, or to illustrate a known law. 2 : the process of testing : experimentation. experiment.

Experiment exper i ment ex peri ment exprei me nt

Writing the word experiment

Experiment sciences come up at school doing the most boring experiment i can’t remember anything when you think about it was it worth a whole lession not for me no way ther experiments were crap whe you think experiment you think something is going to happen a reaction or something but nothing at all so it was a waste of time the teacher was awful angry man shouldn’t have been teaching kids gosh i think he’s on my facebook group my tebby lol

Reading experiment

The powers that be are experimenting on us right now with experimental vaccines they are putting nano technology within us to control us better but what they dont realize we dont have the mind construct we had before and it wont keep us down i tcant keep us down nothing is going to keep anything down if anu failed these guys will fail of anu had billions of years of us under his control sucking out blood out life from within us but hopefully most people here will not be affected for to long and will see that is all a manipulation of the mind. They will fail all will fail they have been planning this for years but its all to late it will have not affect on us what so ever we are already freed from out mind constructs

Anger that i have been trapped within a earth like experiment and have been dupted into thinking this is all ill ever be within this life and have been living like this for millions of years im sad about myself and for all who have been through what we have all been through together it at the end and I have time to change so let’s change and let go the anger i have towards all elite as i would maybe do the same in there position.

I need to experiment with new parts of me as in try new things out like videos to reach a wider audience so others can see hear my work a know it to be true thin them i need ot experiment with new stuff try it out give many things a go and create from these points

I see people poring liquid into other liquids of other colours like you would see on tv with some mad professor sort of thing

Experiments that have gone wrong and people have been hurt from not sure of hand i can think of but im sure many oh yes the us gov admitted it has experimented on its people wtf

Experimenting with drugs comes up like your try them of cause i have no interest in the really bad crack and shit alike heroin this seems for people who I have given up all hope in life and just want out and if they were doin get his they being doing something else destructive.

The elite again my anger towards them and there power of money but feeling like an science experiment within this world and blaming them.

Saying experiment

Life is an experiment right now we are all experimenting with new things old things even though we are currently in with this vax but i have a fear of this vax i see as it has killed some people and covid said come on your not scared of a little vax are you yes when people have died i am when people have been sick and ill some people have experienced some serious side affects yes why do i need im no going to die ffs why is this brought about how have we aloud this fear to come up within us i have i see no nano for me thanks

The elite and thinking how cruel and inhuman they are how they should suffer for what they do and have done to the many to the starving how can anyone looking on not see what they have done.

Sf

Does this definition support me no fear of the powers that be how they are putting nano technology in us to manipulate us fucking crazy that all i can say i dont want to be anyone’s experiment fear of loss of my power my freedom within me yes freedom of saying no i wont and you cant do that to me.

Experiment experi me

Experiment

To try out new things to see what works and whats doesnt work for me and other to start the creation to move towards new things in my life to develop me through trial and error for a better world fro a better like.

I will live this word with experimenting on me myself what can i do what can i be who can I reach what can i change within me for me and then for other try experiment.

[pidgezero-one]

dont message me about this please. I just need somewhere to dump it

I had a falling out with my best friend at the end of july and he completely cut off contact with me. i trusted him more than anybody in the world and there are no words to describe how much his friendship meant to me. the way this happened destroyed my sense of self-worth and I isolated myself from people and tried to fill that empty void with drinking and shitty eating habits (namely starving myself followed by binge eating). fell into a pretty bad depression and was constantly lethargic and unproductive. hated going out in public because I hated myself and didnt want to be seen.

suffered a death in the family at the end of august. this isnt something I cope with in a healthy way. especially during that period of time

started talking with my friend again in september but that didnt go very well either. still felt shitty about this every day, just having this constant nervousness and wanting to throw up and feeling like im carrying a huge weight on my shoulders, every day 24 hours a day. i had dreams about our situation all the time and it fucked me up. cant remember the last time I got a good nights sleep. developed a lot of trust issues from revelations that came out in the few discussions we had. we havent spoken in almost 2 months now. still really miss him but also still hurting over the things he said and did

2 weeks later, boyfriend of 2 years broke up with me when I got back from dreamhack. it wasnt really a surprise and there's no bad blood but was still a really hard adjustment. we had lived together since before we started dating.

we were splitting rent on a 1 bed apartment so now I have to pay for it myself. i dont really have the means to move. this fucked me over financially bc I was in the process of paying about 8000 dollars worth of debt accrued from when I was unemployed in 2014. so that's why none of you have really seen me since then, im saving money instead of going out to do things. this is also around when I decided to cut the drinking to prevent it from getting out of hand and decided to fix my eating habits, both of which are saving me money

met someone new in november who I got close to pretty quickly. he knew I was hurting from something, a lot of things, and helped me recover and was somehow over time able to convince me i didnt deserve any of what was going on. i started to believe it too. we spent a lot of time together and became very good friends.

around the same time i saw another friend have a falling out with his best friend and the way it got him down made me really angry. he didnt deserve to feel that poorly. this helped me realize that neither did i.

start of december, i fell mutually in love with the new friend. although it was just the beginning of the relationship, it was unprecedented in how genuinely loved I felt. we were supportive of each other in ways I didnt even know I could be. never enjoyed someone's company so much before or felt so totally safe telling them literally anything, and after I was having so much trouble and anxiety over opening up to anybody like that again, this was really really special that he could make me feel that way. especially considering the vulnerable state I was in, I tried to be cautious about getting this attached so quickly, but I decided to trust him. you kinda had to be there to understand just why I let myself feel this way despite it looking like a textbook mistake and me being well aware of that fact. he was thoughtful and respectful and considerate and was the most loving person i've ever known. we live a long distance apart and decided we'd take things slowly until we had the chance to spend some time together in person and discuss what our future looks like at that time. we spent a lot of time together calling each other around the holidays and never let a day (or an hour, really) go by without making the other feel loved and appreciated and worthwhile. for a christmas gift he contacted a lot of my friends and compiled a series of video and audio clips from all of them sending me kind words at the holidays to remind me that i'm loved. he really was a wonderful person.

being able to really believe that I didnt deserve to feel as badly as I had been since the summer, combined with falling in love again... I was finally something resembling happy again, I got my confidence back, I was energetic and productive and in an improved state of mind... not completely, things still hurt and I think they always will. but I was at least functioning. the wounds were still there and they were still fresh but I was at least starting to heal.

had to replace my pc because too much of my hardware was just not working anymore. that was a big financial setback I wasnt prepared for. my laptop mobo also broke so now I dont have one of those anymore. oh well. once im done paying off the last part of my debt im going to save up for a new one

start of january, one of my closest friends goes radio silent and unresponsive to texts and calls for over a week. i was a fucking mess worrying about him. (we hung out a few days ago but at the time holy shit)

my coworker at my job (the only other dev on my team) is leaving, so I have to learn a ton of new stuff and also train who we hire next, and im pretty stressed out about that on top of the status of my current major project

i didnt go to agdq this year, but that entire week was rough. wanted to stay off social media and stuff to not be reminded of it but this is where all my connections are and I need to work on shit. I spent a lot of last agdq making good memories with the friend i had the falling out with and thinking back to that just makes me really sad now.

was finally starting to enjoy streaming again and I injured my hand recently and cant use it to use a dpad or joystick, so now im not doing that either. it got infected pretty badly and ive been worried about that for a while, but it's healing up now. hopefully ill return soon. also having numerous other alarming things happen healthwise that are too TMI for here but... yeah

last week the guy i loved dumped me. not going to go into detail on this but i feel very very slighted by how he chose to do it. it had only been a month but im pretty messed up and blindsided by it. despite the short length I can't remember the last time I had any kind of interpersonal relationship that was so emotionally fulfilling. i still don't really understand. being around him hurt so much that I left my favourite discord server where a lot of my close friends are cause he's in there too. i miss being in there so much but i just cant do it

on saturday I got the news that one of my friends from the smash 64 community passed away unexpectedly. i went to the visitation on sunday. it still doesn't feel real.

i dont want to talk about it, I dont want any offers to talk about it, I dont want to relive it, I dont want to think about it, and especially especially I d o n t w a n t t o t a l k a b o u t i t. just getting it out there bc I feel kinda overwhelmed atm from everything. i just wanna focus on doing the things I need to get done to keep my mind occupied. i want my best friend back, i want the person I love back, i want my friend to come back to life. there's nothing else that can be done for me

[whimsically-ominously-auspice]

Alex: i think it makes her feel good that shes with someone you love and approve of her dad gave her such a shit time About being a prostitute

Apparently the girls got together and said they would tell dad. And she told him and he blew his lid so everyone else didn't. And he's harassed her ever sense.

Jesse: i got more than one?!?!!?!?!?!?

Me: mind your business

Michael: Sabrina how many are there -.-

Me: mind your business they're grown ass women!! They can do what they want

Michael: Sabrina HOW MANY

Me: if you must know I got 937 in South America. 859 in Guatemala.

Michael: im walking away!!!! .... she's right sometimes that's what you gotta do. Mind your own business. I'm looking at Jesse's face right now and he's laughing. I mean what are you gonna do?

Jesse: I mean she don't care, why should I?? I might as well be happy and proud. They do what they want as do I. I mean I could been killed having sex with you for 30 years. But what? Just relax man! That's what she used to tell you! I'll take that advice. I'm proud. I'm sorry for what I've said to my only onedaughter brave enough to take that dive for sisters and probably brothers.

Michael: one confessed. He said "why does she keep calling prostitutes girls? I'm one. I'm not a girl, im just s boy. I didn't mean to say that. It just spilled out. Are you mad?" Well yeah. And she's all no. Those are my babies. They got the opportunity to stop with their friends maybe in time they will. If not we will see. I thought of all the gumption now She's lazy. But last night I saw a difference when she talked to she-ra she said "client" not John like they're all clones like the mess in my head. It'll get better. I'm sorry, too, also for what I've said.

Me: i know some are men. So that is why I use rhe term prostitutes. Like i will use that term more than girls. But sometimes I just say girls... But i try to remember to say prostitutes as i think it's a gender neutral term. And most men have soulmates they share a body with so girls does apply to Men. Total for 9 billion years I've had 3,914,286 children work in the sexual field, strippers, porn or prostitutes.

67,249,586 since 1984 have been prostitutes because they wanted to. At least 12 times done a sexual act in the street for money including myself. During a prostitution act I learned how to teach the entire world how to grow their Dick and not have saggy balls, tonight. I got $20 and a crack rock.

Had that night in Tulsa Oklahoma when i was 19 (actually 15) not occurred then no one would got an example on how to make their penis larger. I would say that was what needed to be done. Not how.

It wasn't CIA work. It was for fun, in my personal bank account i had $3400.18 I could bought crack. I just didn't want to. It was on a CIA and they actually got him outta bed and on the clock because they knew he was a hermaphrodite and i would like to see, they thought i would induce memories. That didn't work the way they wanted. But i never forgot it. It worked the way I wanted. Just a moment in time. Something to do with a kind guy. I even remember what he looks like. It was Michael Jackson.

My cousin told me "you want rock? They got it over there and you can just fuck for it" cause i was bored in the house. I said ,can i help you sell weed? Or you know someone with money who wants to fuck? TV is killing me with the lights and the house is suffocating."

"Over there? Okay come find me if you get scared or I'm gone more than a day or two. Cause that's where I'm going. I know you don't lead me astray"

My cousin Kyle.

So no I don't judge. But i know the difference between doing it for work. For fun and doing it for food because you're starving.

The food and starving and people evacuating their country for food and being forced to prostitute is a concern and must be stopped!!!

Here eat. Go home if you want. But don't work for food. Work because you want to! Men and Women.

My children are mind strong. They know what they're doing and why and how it makes them feel.

Total we have currently 1,221,468 children in the world working as strippers, escorts, prostitutes, etc. Sex Workers.

My children. My eggs from my body.

Over 90% want to and enjoy it.

I'm proud of them. It's good money. It's good for their health, the environment. Their souls.

They learn alot about people that is very rare information that not many people get to learn.

It's intimate. There's nothing else like it in the world.

Alex didn't want me to do it but rarely.. And even then he hated it. Because i was taken away from him.

In Armageddon he didn't care who i fucked. I could been a prostitute in Armageddon just fine.

I didn't want to. That pissed me off.

Here in this life, I did often want to. But he didn't want me to so i didn't. For his feelings.

He said i could if i wanted to but i knew he didn't want me to. That type of job being a single mom... And waiting on him, was counter productive.

So i didn't. But i could had. I didn't choose not to because it's disgusting. I didn't want to feel vulnerable or desperate for companionship or money and make a mistake and i was sick a lot..

It's alwsys been too dangerous for me to do alone. And i don't want to share the street, i want ny own street. But with no one to look in on me and not wanting to have a pump or being told what to do.

I knew it wasn't the life for me.

But for 1.2 million of my kids it is.

And it makes me smile.

[jess-oh]

Reflection

i’m pretty sure im recovering so slowly bc im actually sick.

i’ve been feeling super cold all day which is waay out of character for me, someone who is constantly hot. 

but no ac, closed windows, im usually overheating to the point of sweating in 90 degree weather.

but i’ve been so cold not only today but also the past few days. and i think my health has just been decreasing ever since. the first night had a hard time sleeping, i felt an excruciating amount of pain in my mouth. it didn’t hurt as much as my ear but i’d compare it closely to that. and, my brain was just so fucked up. it was the same as when i first started watching izombie and i was absolutely convinced that they were real and going to eat me. and my logical side knew better, knowing that it was just a show and normally, im honestly fine with the show. but on that particular night, it was a living nightmare. and i went through that again my first night after my surgery except this time, it was with sally face. the game, really isn’t even scary or graphically horrifying in the least. but i couldn’t shake the thought. i just 

i could not escape my own mental prison. and it was terrible. bc not only did the overwhelming pain keep me up, but also the games my mind was playing on myself. 

im still in pain now but im definitely doing better. it’s very similar to how i was doing yesterday, except for the fact that i felt a lot hungrier and colder and weaker. but i am really hoping and praying that i get to sleep better tonight.

this saturday is our class barbecue at ethan’s house and i definitely want to go, if not to just bond with my fellow peers. BUT IM SO SAD THAT I WILL MOST LIKELY NOT BE ABLE TO EAT ANYTHING :(((( It is day 3 and i still cannot fully close my mouth. my teeth cannot touch each other without my cheeks getting in the way first. anything that i have attempted to chew required my tongue to stand as the middle man in between my teeth. and it’s frustrating!!! but i really really really want to eat good food along with my fellow classmates T 0 T

i’m just really hoping that my mouth doesn’t pose as an issue when i go up to retreat. there is no way that i will not go to retreat. OKAY FUTURE JESSICA? REMEMBER THIS. NO MATTER HOW MUCH PAIN YOU’RE IN OR HOW MUCH YOU JUST WANT TO TAKE THE EASY WAY OUT, JUST REMEMBER THAT YOU CHOSE TO COME HOME SO THAT YOU COULD GO TO SUMMER RETREAT. AND THIS ONE SURGERY IS NOT GOING TO STOP YOU. DON’T LET IT. 

im trying to figure out some last few plans before returning to chitown. i’m still kinda worried about my money but at least im guaranteed a job in the woodshop when i return. and it’ll be a decent paycheck so. i just gotta hope that i have enough money for textbooks and food for the time being. maybe new notebooks but i think im just going to focus on the essentials right now, like food. i kinda don’t want to starve although there will probably be days when i have to. im happy that i decided to take the latter half of august off but the other part of me wishes i decided to keep working so that i wouldn’t have to worry about money so much. i can’t even imagine how stressed i’ll be once i try paying for an apartment with monthly rent. living off of a minimum wage job is tough. i think i’ll definitely have to be willing to get an additional roommate to live with me in my room to lower the cost of living. even if it’s uncomfortable, ~$250 is way better than trying to pay $500 a month. Especially when I have to think about money for projects too.

since i’ve basically been bedridden all day, i’ve had a lot of time to think. i was watching some christmas catcreature videos and i was reminded of the importance of friends and family, i really have loved being back here and imagining a future where i never return to these people and my life in california... it almost seems crazy. i really appreciate my late night trips with david and andrew and i hope we can do them again in the future. it’s honestly been great getting to know my parents and my sister on a deeper level. and i’ve been bonding a lot more with my class at church. and i am really excited to go to our get together. last summer, before i left, things were still pretty toxic. i had to leave but i literally could not handle being stuck in such a toxic environment any longer. and it breaks my heart that jude has to keep going through that. i would’ve lost my mind. literally. i never felt good enough for anyone. and when they shut me out, it just caused me to feel even worse about myself. but since then, so much has changed. and we’ve all matured so so so so much. and that’s honestly really great and i am beyond glad to be able to grow and thrive with these people. 

but i have realized that it’s been hard for me to really be open and vocal about my emotions and how i’m feeling. i’ve been pretty good at venting in these blog posts and admittedly, sometimes i felt restricted bc i knew that jeanne and andrew could see these deeply personal words. but knowing that they both kinda gave up on keeping me up allowed me to be more open again. which kinda sucks. bc that means i’m just keeping everything to myself again. and honestly, writing everything down and just brain dumping has been immensely helpful in allowing me to better process my current situation and surroundings. i don’t want to forget these moments or these feelings. 

but i also don’t want to shut people out bc i now have this medium where i can just vent and truly express myself. i want to include people in my life still and i think sharing life on such a deep and personal level allows you to become much closer with people. by just talking about everything im going through here... yes, it helps me better understand my current circumstances but it also does not warrant any kind of reward. it’s just me, myself, and i.

i think the reason andrew and i are kinda awkward now is not bc we started hanging out in person. it’s bc i started shutting him off from my deep, personal, and emotional problems. which i’m definitely still struggling with. i am getting better at facing and understanding them but i’m still not done. and i started excluding him from that. 

and i’m sorry. 

i am.

and i want to get better at this. but i think there’s always a part of me that worries that im expecting too much out of other people and i dont want to be so incredibly dependent again. bc at that time, i basically couldn’t make any decisions on my own. i relied solely on the words of others. primarily anthony’s. and i don’t want to do that again. and i think what andrew and i had for a time worked bc we both felt comfortable enough to vent to each other about our own issues and it was never a one sided thing. and i guess i’m just afraid that it’s going to become that. 

[somedaypast-thesunset]

 im really tired of this drama for the sake of drama scenarios that keep coming up. like theyre completely avoidable but people choose really selfish and self centered ways of doing things and then dont even take into account the amount of people it affects. our friend was late for fishing so he left without him but didnt bother to say anything about it and just left while our friend was in transit. i mean, theyre both pretty rude. hes rude for being late, hes rude for leaving without notice. but no one cares that at 5am, our friend showed up at my house and then slept in my bed for the next 5 hours before deciding to head over to his friends house for a bbq. no one cares how that inconvinienced my day. no one cares that i didnt want to do that, or have our friend over at 5am but i'm not that selfish. i'm not soo self centered that i would turn away our friend at 5am when he's upset. it's not the right thing to do, so of course i invited him in. but he had no desire to listen to any of my problems. i couldnt talk to him about any of my plans or desires. the next day i asked  our friend to come over so i could grab and he did but he had hit his car in a parking lot and wanted zip ties to secure something. i tried to help but he was downstairs and didnt want to get up and find zip ties for our friend. so our friend took it upon himself to go downstairs himself where he was promptly yelled at for bothering him. today our friend called me five times from 8am and when i finally answered he just wanted to chat about how he wasnt mad anymore and wanted to be a limo driver and other such nonsense. i thought about how many times the calls interrupted my day, created anxiety for me, made me think i was being a shitty friend for not answering. even once i did answer he called back later when i was trying to sleep! i sent a simple text to him saying our friend was no longer mad and wanted to be a limo driver now. this was more just commentary on something that happened in my day. at the end of the day i recieve a long message telling me how he doesnt need to be reminded of this annoyance and is trying to distance himself from other ppls bullshit and if im not getting in the middle of it then why am i saying anything. i felt caught off guard - mostly because i didnt do anything. all i did was comment on something in my own day and now he was triggered to the point of attempting to take it out on me. i told him it was a joke and meant to be a joke and i had no idea he was still annoyed and that he should speak up so i dont invite people to his house because i dont care whether or not hes friends with anyone, quite frankly. but dont trap me into scenarios which cause drama and upheaval because i made a single comment about someone and you failed to mention that you dont even like this person. then he replies that its "his fault" and he just doesnt want to deal with it because it "already ruined fishing, it ruined his afternoon and now its ruining his dinner". i simply replied, "cool, same here". because he never takes into account how much something may be "ruined" by his behavior and attitude. what about me? what about the fact that i asked to stop "dealing with our friend's bullshit" in february when he made inappropriate remarks to me? or the fact he was willing to give drugs to him - on several occasions - despite knowing that im really not down with it at all? but we've continued, for four more months, until the breaking point became him being late for fishing. please. this has continually ruined my general life experience for the past year. the two main people in my life are two of the shittiest people to be considered "main" people in my life. a schizoid drug dealer whom i met through a girl i can no longer even consider a friend because she is equally as crazy and a guy who is best known for being the catalyst of his best friend committing suicide because he fucked his best friends girlfriend. this is a terrible landscape of my life right now and literally all i can do is continually displace myself from THEIR bullshit because the amount of inconvinience they place on to my life far outweighs whatever inconvinience they feel from each other or from me. the thing is though - i dont "trust" my gut fully. i'm actualy more inclined not to trust my gut but my gut is continually right about a logical outlook on someone or their behavior and what that could define in their morality and ways of thinking and acting towards people. my gut told me my first boyfriend was kind of an asshole and that we didnt truly have much in common and that i was filling a role he wanted me to. i knew this, but i continued for many years. my gut told me my abusive ex was an absolute piece of shit but i stayed with him out of pure desperation because i honestly thought it would be better than this and honestly it is not. my gut tells me my current relationship is a real relationship but neither of us are capable of having a real relationship based on our own personal issues and demons and lack of emotional maturity. it's like equal contributions to why it doesnt work at a level we both want it to. we both want to have a mature adult relationship. we both understand to a degree how mature adult relationships work. we are not in any capacity mature adults. we are overgrown teenagers struggling with basic life skills, possibly on a level that is even more of a struggle than our average peer, trying to pretend that we are in fact adults and capable of managing a relationship. we are not though. ive been in long term relationships and understand that bringing up things like "its my fault" or "your right/wrong" doesnt actually add anything to the relationship. admitting it's "your fault" doesn't do much; putting into action - "i'm sorry i misinterpretated what you were saying but im definitely not into hanging out with him any time soon" is far better. but its not up to me to "police" how he should speak. it's up to him to decide that this method of communication is a lot more fair for both parties. it allows him the freedom to express what he wants and thinks while respecting that i'm someone with my own brain and individuality. but thats not where we're at. you cant force maturity. you accept this persons level of maturity or you find someone who has passed that level or possibly wait it out? but waiting it out is a fucking gamble and that's the gamble i've decided to take. you know, i'm not entirely prepared for an adult relationship where i literally contribute equally to the relationship as a whole.  i'm not ready for that in myself as a person. as an individual, my life would not benefit from a relationship with a partner giving to me equal to what i give - we would both starve and live on the streets and drive each other bat shit crazy and smoke endless amounts of weed. that's a really terrible life. but at the same time an equal partner to him would be someone unstable, someone who plays with monogamy, someone unwilling to pay into the relationship and carrying burdens of past lovers. someone who has a short temper and bad attitude, who is outspoken on their hatred of the world and people around them and brutally honest regarding split second thoughts and emotions they have towards those people. he wouldnt put up with it. honestly. so neither of us are ready to ask for much in a partner because we are not giving much in return. either of us. and thats a hard thing to accept and like.. i think even my doctor might have an askewed opinion on this because he wants to see me as a victim; maybe ive portrayed myself as such but we are not looking at the other side of things. who is this person and why are they in my life? why do they remain to be a significant person in my life by their own volition? they choose this. something in them wants to see me succeed and be healthy and do well and feel loved and cared for. that does not mean they are _responsible_ for my success, healthy or wellbeing. they are semi-responsible for giving love and care because of the definitions of the relationship they created but theyre not responsible for MAKING me FEEL loved and cared for. i have to accept the knowledge that they love me. so yes - why is he not "helping me"? thats what it comes down to. why am i not receiving some kind of "help" from him? but why is he responsible in giving this help? why are the parameters of an assumed healthy relationship by other people who may or may not even be in healthy relationships being put on something private and considerably always one sided as no one accept our mutual friend has seen our relationship grow? it's almost antiquated, but not naive or dumb, to think because hes a man, because he makes money, because he fucks me and loves me, that he should support me. that he should give me a place to live. give me money. offer it to me. why? where the fuck does it say that anywhere? that's not the stipulation upon fucking someone and that's actually a hard thing for people to swallow i think. maybe its a really ultra feminist idea -- just because a man fucks you doesnt mean he owes you anything other than like.. respect of consent. he doesnt even really owe you a ride home. honestly. he doesnt even owe you a drink or dinner. you made an adult decision to give yourself up to this man and he doesnt owe you shit in return. of course, it goes both ways. he buys her a drink - she doesnt owe him anything either. no one owes anyone anything. it's all a matter of your own free will and choice in how you will behave. what kind of person is fucking anyone because they bought them a drink anyways? but thats simplifying - over exaggerating, even. its the guy that asks a girl on a date and spends 150$ on dinner and buys an expensive bottle of wine and takes her to a concert he bought the tickets for; but he doesnt get laid. its now frowned upon - like he struck out on it. like she owed him her body because he decided to spend all this money. but just because youre in a "relationship" -- which is self defined to begin with. like the basic of it is two people who are close and know a lot about each other and spend time with each other and are possibly intimate. thats it. thats all the fuck there is. they owe you nothing in the past present or future. its just two fuckig people spending time together. thats it. how they choose to spend that time is totally up to them and whatever makes them as a couple and as individuals happy. and when you cant find that balance you no longer spend time together and thus no longer have a relationship. i also though, have to break out of this old mind set i've had for years that is a really ignorant mind set brought on by upper middle class people degrading me and my upbringing. but it happened for so long and so often that it's hard not to now believe it and default to this line of thinking. i feel like i've been reprogramming my brain. and i have to or else i remain in limbo - i have anxiety about life and then i feel bad about not working and then i have anxiety about not working and cant work because it's all just a cycle and i've just been made to feel like such a piece of shit, such a subhuman because this is the path ive "chosen". but in a multiple choice scenario where your choices are given to you and you have to select one, your level of free will has been diminished. and thats the scenario you live in when you are in poverty. but i'm too sick to get out of poverty. i feel stupid in some ways for believing this doctor will help me get on disability and receive more money. but i just want to live. i just want to live and be able to survive without this constant anxiety and worry about how to eat let alone how to deal with issues i've been struggling with since my teenage years. so i'm really hopeful, on the inside, because it would be jynxing it to be hopeful on the outside. but i'm tryng to go with it. i'm trying ot believe that he's right and right now i am making myself sick, i am perpetuating the cycle by not trying all these avenues of help. instead of worrying about not working or having money, i'm just trying to be. i'm just trying to know that i am sick and it's not "my fault" and i'm not "a burden". it's "okay" that i'm not working right now. i wouldnt be capable of it if i tried. and those failures because i am sick and unable to succeed just add to the issue. so i am tryng to focus on what works for me. because i am doing "the right thing". i'm doing the few things i can do, what i'm supposed to do - it's atleast given me some results. i have a few projects on the go and one remains to be the most successful thing ive done in the past year of my life and the success i've gotten from it has been something i have consistently worked hard for and has given me a reason to perservere in some very dark moments. i dont think people realize that though. they just see it as this thing i like to do but i see it as one of the very few reasons to wake up and do something. i feel responsible to people i have build a decent relationship with even though i have discovered that everyone is a human being and all have flaws which make them difficult to work with at times. maybe a majority of the time, even, but this is how i created something that has a purpose to me. something that goes beyond financial gain and politics and drugs and death -- something that is just good. it's just nice and good. it's not poisoned - though it has been threatened to be. and it has taught me so many good lessons in life and business. its one of the best things i have done. i want to continue my belief in that and myself. i lost that in the past six months. i lost the confidence that i knew what i was doing but i was allowing other people to do shitty things, to take control, to take advantage when they didn't care. and it was okay they didnt care. but i cared. and now that ive shown that i cared i am receiving more positive feedback and gaining more respect including from people who did not really enjoy me before as a person. i believe the best steps i can take right now is to focus first and foremost on my health and mental well being; which is accepting that my mental health directly affects my physical health and thus i am not a bad person for being tired and feeling sick even if i'm physically active and eating healthy. secondly is to secure a foundation in which i can build a stable independent life on regardless of how that is secured - even if it is not viewed as positive in popular opinion, like disability. it doesnt matter because independent means seperate from other people so other peoples opinions dont actually matter in this scenario. even if that means losing close relationships - such as the one with him. if i have true belief that this is what is best for me and i am literally putting it into the action when i want nothing more but to die on a regular basis then it is worth losing a relationship for if it means i'm going to live until next year. if it means i have a personal reason to live until next year. third is to allow myself to follow my ideas through and promote a healthy work ethic in myself that will build towards better socializing and potential revenue streams. it does not matter right now that its not making money. i am not bill gates over here. i'm not trying to reinvent the wheel. i'm just trying to do me. it's not about how this "directly affects my life" because i "dont have money". i am not capable of earning money through normal ways and cleaning apartments is not sustainable or worthy of investing my time in when it doesnt benefit me in any way but a brief 50$ spent on weed to nurture myself from the experience. quick-cash scenarios are feeding the cycle, even if it seems beneficial short term. some of my ideas are artistic, some are more administrative with real potential to make money without relying on 20$ jewelry sales. i really want to elevate what i'm doing in all areas of my life because that level of attention to detail is what makes me feel good about myself. looking at what ive created and seeing it as aesthetically pleasing and professionally sound to my eye and recieving positive feedback for it makes me feel good about myself. and i deserve to feel good about myself and i'm not self absorbed; the things i do are very charitable and serve my community and peers as well as allow me to explore my thoughts and ideas creatively. it is very easy to feed into the very quick dim witted insults that i get about this though. "sure, i wish IIII could just sit at home and play on the computer getting diability but i have to work" -- at first response, we've both forgotten why i'm even sitting at home to begin with; why it's hard for me, why i would be getting disability. all that's seen is someone "sitting at home". they do not see the sickness. they do not experience the life i've lived. i've been contnually slashed at by almost everyone i've ever known and just gotten up like "okay, it's cool, i got this" and acted like everything was fine but i'm bleeding out and have been bleeding out for a long time. you just cannot fix this overnight. and it's only now even as i write this that i realize i havent even focused on myself like this in years. literally years. i've actually felt very surreal lately because this shift in focus like i dont know anything of whats happening becuse i dont know myself and this is new to me. i feel disconnected. but ive spent a long time analyzing other people. and their actions towards me. and how ive felt about their actions towards me. and how their actions affected my life afterwards. very rarely have i ever analyzed just myself. my own actions, my own desires, my own beliefs which have little to no influence from outside sources. my combining life experiences to form the opinions which make up who i am; not who i'm told i am by my parents or my boyfriend. just me. and for a very long time i would say or think that whatever i thought about things, whatever my opinions or beliefs were, they werent that important. they werent as important as what everyone else thought because i wanted to be seen as a good person because good people experience a positive life. i want to have a positive life. i didnt want to be around drugs or drunks or stupid people. i wanted to join groups and do good things and be altruistic. i wanted and maybe still want to in some ways, serve people. because everyone else is more important than i am. its taken me a very long time - like a stubbornly long time that is actually exactly how long it would take me because thats exactly who the fuck i am - to admit that not all people are good. like even if 50% were good, even if 70% were good, there are billions of people on this planet so 30% would still be a fucking shit load of people that more than likely are walking past you on the street. they gotta live somewhere. you cant pretend like absolutely none of the bad people that clearly exist in the world dont exist around you. and unfortunately, and i'm still really stubborn on this, i think the number is higher in terms of bad people. i see a lot of bad people on a regular basis. not even associated with me. just out in the world, people doing shitty things to other people. so i think i could almost safely say atleast half of the worlds population are probably assholes. so to live in the belief that you are not important perpetuates a serious amount of trauma and abuse by the sheer number of assholes who exist on this planet. you actually need to be much better prepared in order to really sift through who is an asshole and who is not an asshole. if you think you're a piece of shit then no one is an asshole because whatever anyone does, they're better than you anyways so how could it be "bad". how can you "complain". it's not downgrading the trauma thats experienced - for example, my abusive ex, but knowing i wasnt important allowed me to stay in the relationship. i perpetuated the abuse by staying and accepting i wasnt important. when i left, it stopped. and even if i think i'm not important, at 27 years in, i really also don't like trauma and abuse. i do not like those feelings even if feeling important is not "important". but in order to stop trauma and abuse, the number one thing that must change is not feeling or believing me or my thoughts or emotions are important. what i regularly would deem as selfish is self-sufficient. it's survival. my stubbornness in believing the world is good is causing me serious harm. people are not all good, they do not all have good hearts but it's okay because some are good. all of them are human beings with flaws, but some are good human beings with flaws. so the fourth most important thing right now is breaking and creating connections with the "right" people. i am tired of drug users. i have been tired of drug users since i was sixteen and i am still tired of them now. i have never known a good drug user. i have never wanted to remain friends with one. i have never become a regular drug user. i am constantly embarassed and ashamed of the times i spent on drugs. it's okay to be alone if it means not spending time with people you're not going to do anything with anyways and you don't feel a good connection with. i want to be heard. right now, i'm not being heard. i believe thats a serious flaw in my closest relationship but i believe the voices in his head are screaming so loud, even when he's trying to listen, he can't hear anything past his own bullshit. it's not for lack of trying. i would love for him to be finished being friends with our mutual friend. ive not wanted to be friends for sometime but he didnt particularly care. even though i respect the time ive had with our mutual friend and the help hes given me and the time hes spent with me when ive been feeling down - he has never been helpful. he has also only ever fed me weed and even harder drugs when i have been particularly down. he has hindered my recovery many times and triggered issues. the only reason he is in my life is so i can buy weed easily. and that in itself might be causing an issue in my life. the other week he handed me this book, "i'm okay - you're okay". he told me it was basically what i try to say to him; not the contents, just the title. and i guess that sums it up -- what i'm doing is "okay" and what he is doing is "okay". it hurts, yeah. because i'm a human being with flaws and emotions and my own issues and other people - many other people, not just him - will trigger these issues. a lady at the hospital coldly said, "to me, it might be nothing, to you, it might be everything". but it's true -- this might be nothing to someone else. ive occassionally thought successful marriages have docile women who have accepted that men can be ignorant and aggressive people by nature. everyone seems to have a story of an overzealous over the top angry man - even if they were just angry and no one was harmed. but to me, it's everything. to me, it triggers immediate fear and a response of crying and wanting to run away beause something bad is going to happen. it's not just being yelled at - something bad will happen. when he screamed at me on the weekend, things shifted. i could feel a level of embarassment; it wasn't like he was really trying to prove something. he knew it was a disgusting display, immature and extremely unhelpful for my particular situation. he wanted to quickly sweep it aside - just as he did again today when he realized i wasnt actually trying to start "something".