#im doing reasonably okay all things considered
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NOELLE FALLEN ANGEL
-SNOWGRAVE CONCEPT-
Okay this is a lil old but tryna use tumblr more and I used a fair amount of my brain for this concept, since I really like the idea of snowgrave making noelle a crazy powerful boss from Kris' influence kinda pushing her too far. any way I wanna break down my thought process a lil (even if a bit messy) so if you wanna hear me yap (warning, im really not the best at formulating words outside my head) read on. if not...mood board I made at bottom
TW// BLOOD, SHEDDING IN MOOD BOARD- might make people uncomfortable
The main things I wanted to show in this design was the angel look and Christmas theme, all while pushing a more sad, hollow and evil look as i feel the juxtapose to "happy Christmas vibes" would make for a more tragic kind of feeling (with what we know of Noelle's character so far).
getting the Christmas look was the fun easy part, I knew for a fact i wanted her silhouette to look like a Christmas tree. maybe because subconsciously a pine tree shape and look quite powerful or be kinda spooky. Much like a Christmas tree I wanted to implement the decorative aspect, tinsel, and baubles, but also got inspired by those paper snowflakes id make as a kid. the tinsel I put around the trim, and treated the baubles like reindeer harness Christmas bells, the snowflake like a lace trim but also draped like a head piece around the antlers (this is actually shed reindeer velvet) naturally angels and Christmas go hand in hand but i wanted to push the elegant look...and put a halo on her, like a decoration at the top of the tree framed by her antlers. oh and another thing being the star shape on her torso? i wanted another strong shape within the tree silhouette to draw focus a bit more (especially with the red...but ill talk color in a bit).
a great segway to that actually is the ice/snow aspects, the reason i wanted this is ice naturally is another thing that can be both pretty and dreadful. for the design I like the idea of the more she uses her powers the more she gets covered in frost (im a sucker for character corruption) . i wanted to have the antlers go from cute to dangerous, I drew them as velvet shed antlers first, but also wanted to keep a little of her past on her design, so adding the ice shape in a way to allow the red of the antlers to show the old shape worked well by me. some more ice/snow i added was around her hoofs, hands and muzzle. the hooves frost shaping to be like a high heel shoe much like how reindeers have white fur close to the base of their hooves too. her hands fully frosted over not only because of main power direction source but to kind of look like elegant gloves. the frost on her face was mainly to add variety to her face while considering reindeer fur coloration, it also helped frame her red nose which helps draw focus to her face a bit more. general color summery, i wanted colors that contrast and give a feeling of cold and bad. but also red for Christmas yippee how fun!
last thing I guess is the pose. with this i had my silhouette first but realized I could do a sort of angel opening arms. which is naturally a welcoming and caring gesture, but in the context of the design kinda makes the vibe more creepy which....of course that worked for what i wanted to go for so i did that
but uuuh yea, that's my thought process with it...there was probably more but I didn't write down stuff in the moment of making it. here is a very minimal moodboard.
again
TW// BLOOD, SHEDDING IN MOOD BOARD- might make people uncomfortable:
#deltarune#deltarune fanart#noelle deltarune#toby fox#noelle holiday#snowgrave#deltarune snowgrave#angel#fallen angel#christmas#reindeer#character design#art#fan art
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The problem about Mav having been a take everywhere kind of dog is that I can deeply feel his absence no matter what I'm doing or where I am.
#this isnt meant to be a devastating post#but the fact of the matter is that im seeing mav everywhere#he got so many good adventures in his short life#but it means that most places i visit i have previously visited with him#i went on this gorgeous camping trip this weekend#and all i could think about was how mav was with me (and loved it) the last time i was there#there wasnt really any aspect of my life that wasnt deeply entwined with my dog#every hike i did was planned for dog enrichment#every trip i took was paced so he could get out and stretch his leggies and sniff the wind#i just drove four straight hours because there was no need to stop and it felt??? bad???#every time i roll down the window to look at a bird i listen for his comically loud sniff from his crate#(luckily pike does fill that niche when shes in my car - she loudly sniffs everytime we roll windows down and it brings me joy)#im doing reasonably okay all things considered#(i mean within expectations - im still crying about losing mav most days)#but his absence is palpable no matter what im doing#and that sucks so much
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Jennifer nearly jumped into the water / and she was tired like no one's ever been tired
#myart#wesley crusher#jennifer is on her way home. then she remembers her life is like a nightmare!!!!#geniunelyyyy thinking about the post-first duty years of wesleys life is so miserable.#he killed his best friend and ruined his friendship with everyone else and lost picards respect (the only thing he ever cared about)#and then you just. dont hear about him at all for 2 years.#trying to capture the extremely specific existential dread of knowing something is deeply wrong in your life but not being able to change.#JUST THE LOOK OF A YOUNG MAN WHOS PROFOUNDLY UNHAPPY AND DOESNT EVEN KNOW WHY!!!#the quote from that novel. where he says “jaxa knew better than the rest of us the only way to escape this thing was to die”. ITS SICK!!#like leaving starfleet was not even on his radar until journeys end. he didnt even consider that as an option. so what could he do.#man. theres a reason for the prominently placed golden gate bridge. jennifer nearly jumped into the water.... cuz she got no way to get out#the photos in the bg are him and picard. jack. two of joshie (the ski tripppppp) him and bev and the entire nova squadron up top#do i think he would have his room this nicely decorated while horribly depressed NO!!! it was just for the compostion of the piece#like trying so hard to keep up appearances. being surrounded by pictures of all the people who love him and still not able to get out.#some of the papers lying around the desk are like. intended to be letters to bev that he just gave up on writing.#OKAY sorry i just wanted to finish this before i leave tomorrow. i spent such a stupid amount of time on this. never again#you people should always talk to me forever about my friend wesley . im soooo normal. lies facedown on floor#OH AND THE VERY SPECIFIC. EMOTION. LYING ON BED IN FULL UNIFORM. WE'VE ALLLL BEEN THERE.
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My headcanons for the named trio in The Cursing of Chateau Castle series:
Josephandre is a big bear. It just fits for him I think! He gets he/him pronouns, and as a way to make him a liiiil more relatable for Mira, he'd have two craft types (Rock type being his main one and paper craft for the other). Battle style wise, I think it fits him to be more of a self-sustaining tank. He buffs defense, heals, and puts up shields. For his weapon, he'd use his fists like Isabeau. He'll be the second fastest in the trio.
Lady Irene-Janine-Kanine looks like an elegant noblewoman on the outside but she has vibes similar to Euphrasie! She gets she/her pronouns. Her craft type is Paper. Battle style wise, she's more on the offensive side, a main dps kind of thing. Most of her skills focus on buffing attack and speed, she'd have an item that helps regen her hp a lil bit and her chosen weapon is an umbrella. The tip is a sharp blade so it's used like a spear that has a hidden sword in its handle. Open it, and it becomes a shield! That'd be one of her skills too, although it's only applicable to her. She's the fastest one of the trio.
Pierre-Jacques-Erneste looks like a nobleman and carries himself as such! He gets he/they pronouns. Their craft type is Scissors. Battle style wise, he's more of a debuffer, skills focusing on weakening the enemies, slowing them down, poisoning them. Their weapon is a sword dagger, though he doesn't seem to be able to handle it well, how clumsy! But he Is a nobleman so it makes sense! Oh but... why doesn't he have a title? They're the slowest one of the trio, how strange, he seemed to be faster than Lady Irene-Janine-Karine that one time though.
#aria rants#how do i even tag these things bro im like-- why am i such a fan of a fragmented series in isat#okay so-- josephandre relied mostly on raw strength when he was travelling all alone before meeting the others#and i think he'd have a fun uncle vibe to him. which makes it easy for others to approach him and befriend him#but he Also carries a sort of pride and dignity to him which makes the others mistake him for a nobleman cuz of it#esp considering the fact that he later became famous for helping those in need and such.#lady irene on the other hand. being a noble she's always had to keep her guard up. also doesnt help that noblewomen#got the short end of the stick what with the ''arrange marriage'' things and being below noblemen#her umbrella weapon helps a lot in warding off the assholes. i think that during the journey with josephandre's party#she got to finally be herself without needing to sugarcoat her words in a way that a noble should. she would also figure out a#way to improve on her shield spell to not only apply to just her but her entire party too. she cares a lot about them after all#meanwhile i got a Whole scenario for pierre (being an illegitimate child of a noble family and all that. i made a post bout it)#he's actually a lot more capable than what he makes himself appear as. but its like part of the plan on getting the others#to lower their guards around him for when pierre betrays them. in actuality pierre is actually faster than irene altho#not much stronger still (irene and josephandre are still stronger than him) considering that pierre mainly focused on#stealth type attacks. hes more used to using a sword than a dagger (he mightve wanted to prove their worth)#it makes their battle style and weapon clash due to the fact that swords arent that good for stealth much than a dagger#its one of the reasons why hes trying to get used to the dagger than the sword. but it is a bit difficult to learn a new weapon
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who knew that some agere people would be the worst type of people to exist (talking about you spinny)
#dont get your toddler army to do your anon hate and unblock me on discord if u want to talk#ik you act like a baby and thats fine but if youre bold enough to try to get me paranoid (and fail) then u should be bold enough to dm me#yknow without hiding yourself#either do that or leave us alone girl!! move on#like why do you preach about moving on to a new era and then actively seek out trouble ????#get a job or something#trying to make me think my bf is cheating on me is such a weird thing to do and a big low for you spinny. it's actually sad#the worst part youre not even good at doing it. youre making shit up from what you THINK you know & hiding behind ur friend#its okay to fall out of friendships and im not even trying to meddle with your life but you are literally actively seeking out problems#and thats so pathetic. especially when you paint yourself all high and might over us ??? clearly we tried everything for you#until we got to a point where we were literally drowning because we have other shit in our lives too#you keep losing friends and complain about it. maybe consider why??? because of lack of communication and empathy!! youre just mean!#especially to those who've always tried so hard to have your back and defend you! (buka and me!!!)#yet you didnt care. you dont communicate and expect us to read minds & you demand things#and u say that a real friend should know when to reach out & ya but when it gets to a point where i feel like im drowning? no thanks#im prioritizing myself and my mental health im sorry#not to mention i was ALWAYS IN THE MIDDLE IN YOUR BULLSHIT#so grow up. actually. and if you wanna dm me then unblock me and we can talk#if you want to keep hiding behind your toddler friends acting like youre all small and sweet and babies then go ahead but leave us alone?#at least ill have closure and finally come to terms that you're not rlly a good person and u use your illnesses to excuse ur behavior#because i still think about you and wish you were our friend but after everything thats happened (this being the cherry on top for ME)#then maybe you really just are a shitty person and you do more harm than good#soz to everyone else reading this just continue scrolling LOL#its drama cus an ex friend is sending their toddler militia on me for some reason???#delete later
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Having Tomadachi Life with yourself and your F/Os is all fun and games until it says they don't like you/you have to watch them get hearts over someone else
Uuuhhhh I vent/rant/lose my marbles in the tags just as a heads up. Nothing HEAVY just. Very bothersome
#okay i can normally ignore the they dont like me thing. if anything i giggle a little over it and move on#i gotta be like having a rough moment for that to bug or bother me#and i PURPOSELY made an island with only boys cause most my F/Os are boys and if i only do one gender then-#-I dont have to worry about them asking anyone else out cause Nintendo is/was scare of same-gender relationships#But i wanted to unlock the park and cafe and amusement park but you only unlock those if someone confesses their feelings#so i purposely made two random default Miis and then prayed that they liked each other and hopefully ask each other out#which thankfully they both like each other so far and im still hoping. knock on wood.#but i made ONE MISTAKE and accidentally told the girl one to go be friends with Jackson IT WAS AN ACCIDENT#and i thought nothing of it because she didn't really like him but nooOOOOO FOR SOME REASON HE DECIDED TO LIKE-LIKE HER#I almost soft reset my game and I wouldve too if he didnt decide to have the heart problem for it until after i finished all my-#-daily stuff and answering other problems and things#so i just shut it down really fast. I considered just ignoring it until the problem went away nathrally but I didnt want it to come up again#ugh. Im not like. devestated or anything over it but eating my own faults SUCKS#If it was the reverse then it would be a different story but. ugh. I mean i still wouldve shut it down cause i dont need them-#-being a couple especially cause then i really wouldve lost it#I just had to get that out of my system im all good now😮💨😭
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#do you ever see someone get delivered a devastating line and they. just keep fucking going#like what im certain is a straight guy made a account just to go like 'actually harley quinn is the abusive rapist (and joker is innocent)'#and he keeps adding to it#a big thing hes upset about is how 'dc pandered to the gays'#bc apparently bisexuality is nonexistent#and someone pointed out how 'everything is meant to pander to something you just consider this one bad bc its gay'#this guy made a whole list of it and seems to think his smol boi joker was raped by his psychiatrist#(conveniently forgetting everything that led up to such a event)#hes also a 'barbie super fan' whos critique of the movie was 'it was too feminist and wokey'#its like listening to ratm and being surprised theyre theyre not raging against the washing machine#i think my main thing is theyre Are adaptations where she Is abusive#(telltale had a good spin on it imo)#but you pick the animated series? the lego movies? the suicide squads? her fucking Show???????? okay#all of the above showcasing how joker is Not some victim that harley abused?#okay...#idk man#its weird how something can literally look you in the eye and say 'this is a abusive relationship where the man is abusing the woman'#and Somehow you take it as '*nodding* she was a abuser because he was her client before#(and yes i am going to completely disregard anything that he did)'#.....tbh considering its coming from someone that literally said he doesnt think sexism and systematic oppression is real#im. not surprised#thinking on it i think the only reason he thinks shes abusive isnt whatever the hell he comes up with#but rather. the fact shes decidedly not straight.#like i genuinely think if she stayed being abused by the joker this guy wouldnt have had a problem with it.
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weekend melancholy is starting to kick in >~<
#im gonna go and do my food shop etc to keep myself busy and hopefully my 2nd meds will kick in and we'll be able to handle it together#i think i kind of do this so regularly bc my brain is just processing everything bc i dont rly have time during the week#all cool tho im doing good overall def on the up n i feel way more capable of coping emotionally which is nice. i <3 meds#also.. possibly settling on the idea that i might be agender. very tentatively. lots of experiences n thoughts coming together rn#ive been reacting in unexpected ways to a lot of gendered shit atm which has made me reconsider the way i think abt myself#but very difficult to articulate it to myself let alone anyone else. so ive been sitting with it for now until it precipitates#gender stuff has never rly affected me much or ive never been in a place to explore it which is why i havent thought abt it super hard#but im not the sort of person who needs a lot of internal exploration to figure out my identity like im v self aware tbh#and while im wildly indecisive abt most things in my life for some reason i never have been abt stuff like this. i learned abt lesbianism#like idk 9 years ago-ish and straight away was like yeah that makes sense for me. never looked back since#n similarly ive experienced forms of gender dysphoria before n just immediately dealt with it symptomatically n moved on#its never been smth to agonise abt for me like i know what makes me comfortable in my skin so theres no question abt doing it#and ik im privileged to be able to do that. and also it helps that gender for me is mostly divorced from external perceptions#+ that im v autistic so social pressures dont stick to me very well. i mean yeah i was bullied for it as a kid but i was stubborn asf#so yeah from the moment i realised i was genuinely uncomfortable/upset abt it earlier this week i was like okay. lets try this instead#its given me pretty instant relief from any distress i was feeling so far which is nice. rare respite from one of my torture labyrinths#just testing out internally whether it frames things more clearly n makes me feel more myself/at peace before i choose to stick w the idea#but not gonna do a whole coming out fanfare either way. dont think i wanna change how ppl interact w me + im still a dyke#so i dont consider it relevant to anyone else unless they share a similar understanding of gender to me. or if we're v close#ill prolly broach it w other trans friends eventually bc insert philosophers talking image. but to everyone else its business as usual#happy to play my cis-sona at work. + w new queer ppl i meet ive been introducing myself recently w mirrored pronouns instead of any/all#and i think i prefer that. virtually indistinguishable but theres smth nice abt inviting ppl to recognise me the way they do themselves#like translating + localising a non-gendered language into a gendered one... simplifying decisions abt how to perceive me#and ofc ppl are still gonna perceive me however but idc much unless we're actually friends. the rest is all a performance anyway#doubtful anyone on here ever has reason to refer to me but if u do for some reason... im freeloading off ur pronouns now btw <3#but yeahhh. much 2 think abt. i need to read more alien/ai sci fi.. non-human sentience has been such a comforting concept lately#but yea tldr i woke up one morning this week like damn im prolly agender but i have a full time job to go to rn so idc abt that#.diaries#okkkk my dex is kicking in im no longer on the verge of tears lets go get these groceries wooohoooo
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2024 reads / storygraph
Masquerade
historical fiction set in 15th century West Africa
follows a young woman from Timbuktu, recently conquered by the the warrior king of Yorùbáland
her guild of blacksmiths were already shunned as witches, and their conditions worsen under Yorùbá rule - so when she’s kidnapped by the king to be his wife, she decides to accept that it’ll be a better life for her, as long as she can get her mother’s blessing
but as months go by without her mother being found, and political tensions rise, she must decide what she wants
#masquerade#aroaessidhe 2024 reads#ahh... I enjoyed this in the beginning but I ended up being SO frustrated by the MCs decisions and inconsistencies.#click the storygraph link above to read all my thoughts tbh im not gonna copy everything in here#she’s like man this guy kidnapped me and is drugging me and treats me like an object and probably is lying about trying to find my mother :#well I should definitely try and uncover and tell him about this uprising happening under his nose so I can help him trust me!#she tells us she’s desperate for freedom and safety and autonomy and yet she’s doing so much to stay with this man who#she’s AWARE is NOT giving her autonomy AND she doesn’t give a fuck about anyone else’s freedom or autonomy?#she doesn’t even WONDER about the slave revolts or blacksmith strikes other than how can she stop them?#she’s naive and innocent but she’s also viewed as this brilliant military strategist and cunning at court politics#other than these moments she’s very naive and doesn’t make any obvious connections about what the other women#or her mother are up to (which considering the amount of speeches about men underestimating women she makes……okay)#thing is like there was some great setup to go in some really interesting directions!#if you wanted to go down the route of her goals making her singlemindedly ruthless and selfish and morally grey and rising to power#then commit to that! make her investigate the revolution and give her a reason to betray them anyway.#if you want to make it like she TRULY had no choice in becoming what she did (because any attempt to escape or connect#with the revolution had tragic consequences) then do that! But she like…..never tried anything.#She just accepted everything and tried to help the king because…I don’t even know!#if you like hades and perspephone you won’t like this. if you don’t like hades and persephone you won’t like this.#(i thought it had just been inaccurately compared to H&P - not written to reference H&P)#agh. it could have been good!
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y'know it's a night when hal sits and eats cereal in the dark room at 1.30am.
#i was thinking abt it earlier#but i've been crying so much lately like so much. almost every second day if not every day and i dont know why#actually i do kinda know why.#i think im hitting my limit with a lot of things and one of them is my parent dumping their problems on me#earlier today my mom told me again abt the whole debacle with my dad cheating on her multiple times and everyone knows i find this subject#too much for me i dont tlike to think about it or anything and im so tired of hearing it and especially when i lived through it trust me i#was literally there the whole cheating subject is very raw to me for many reasons and im just tired of being the emotional dump so often#especially because she always comes to me for everything all the time and im so sos tire d#everyone always tells me i should consider my own needs as a person and its okay to have them and yk in theory i agree with this but i just#cant. i grew up not having any needs met so how can i let myself have them now it makes me feel absolutely awful with myself to even#consider having to ask for something off someone and yet i know how wrong this is iknow needa and desires and wants are natural#but mine have always been on the back burner for everyone else. so its' no surprise ive let myself think im something to be used for other#peoples sake. whether that be physically or emotionally and especially the latter. because thats how i see myself someitmes. something#something to make people feel betetr about themselves that has no use outside of how i make them feel - just something to use until they#move onto the next best thing. something more entertaining and better value whatever that might mean something with less feelings less#sensitive. it feels like sometimes thats what i am. the indestructible never breaking hal that somehow has a solution to everything and can#always be there to fix every issue and is there to make people feel better but needs nothing in response#and god it really does feel like my problems dont mean anything to anyone#it does feel like no one thinks theyre worth anything#not worth listening to not worth thr same attention etcetc and yknow what i hate hate hate asking for attention and yet i get upset when i#feel like im not actually being heard or listened to#and i find it happens so often. sometimes i wanna hear it just once for once i wanna hear 'hey its okay to be upset i wish i could hug you'#or something like that god i dont want to be strong and nursing my wounds in private anymore#god i want a hug so bad and someone to just let me cry on them just once i want to be held and told someones got me instead of me doing it#for everyone else all the time#is thisselfish? it feels selfish to say#this is why it affects me so deeply whenever anyone does validate me or tells me its ok to want things or that im loved or anything nice#god i cant handle niceness at all it feels like it knocks me so bad it takes me ages to recover#and yet somehow all i can tell myself is that theyre only saying nice things because theyre being obligated to and not becayuse they feel#like they actually like me
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Night on the Bionis’ Shoulder.
#xcde#xenoblade#had to fucking FIGHT the xc2 lighting engine for these ones#ive definitely talked about this before. the xc2 lighting engine makes everything look like shit at night#what looks okay at night? glowy things#so i sought out glowy things#all things considered i think these turned out pretty good#but at any rate#what happened with gael gar. like what purpose did he serve#the final quest with him was just annoying to be honest like he basically asks melia to come kill him#like i didnt think he even had a reasonable point of view#which could be interesting to investigate from a position of 'he's a fanatic and isn't logical' but it isn't played like that#he just kind of exists#blows up a lab#says some weird unjustifiable shit and then leaves#melia's comebacks were not exactly that good either#anyways im sure theres more analysis to be done about that character but i just dont want to#he does not interest me and neither do his perspectives#which i think is kind of sad because there could have been some really interesting stuff about how the post-zanza world should be run#considering everything that has changed#like who put shulk and co in charge? they are mostly essentially children who grew strong enough to kill god#i feel like they could have done something really interesting with some people reasonably pushing back against the new people in charge#but instead we get 'i dont like the ancestors!' vs 'i like the ancestors!'
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#vent#okay i love my mother a lot. but Sometimes. sometimes#its just so. like she complains about her mom reminding her to do stuff completely obvious when my mom is almost 60#and they live in different states#this gets on her nerves every time she talks to my grandma i swear#BUT SHE DOES THE SAME TO ME ALL THE TIME#i’m 23 i’m moving across the state. away from my parents. ive lived alone before#’oh you need to put these papers in your document box’ okay cool sure thing#’oh and you need to take that box with you. you’ll need it’#oh the box with my social security card old paystubs important medical information and passport? that box? i’ll need that box??#that never occurred to me thank you mother#its not even like just reminding me to take it it was like her tone was like ‘dont you dare try to leave it here you have to take it’#like? i never considered leaving it…? its mine????#shes stressed about quite a few things rn esp her parents and brother which always leads her to smothering me for some reason#so i KNOW its not that she like. thinks im stupid or something#but when she gets stressed she turns to my to do list and problems as a way to get away from her own#and then out of nowhere shes bombarding me with stuff i need to do and im like. Girl#fix ur own shit first i got mine
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ough ive developed a sort of anxiety at leaving the house this summer... going back to school will definitely do me some good on that lol.
travelling abroad also helped it from getting worse at least.
still super anxious for my driving lesson tomorrow...... oughhhhh
#rambles#last summer i had a boyfriend to meet etc which made it easier. but generally i dont have many irl people to hang out with?#so because i dont have much reason to go to the city or something i just end up being useless hahaaaa#ill definitely have to learn to manage this once i start living alone#i dont want to become a shut in#another issue that ive come across is that im no longer as mentally ill. which is great! but also there were a lot of like...#defense mechanisms? against anxiety within the mental illness. so now that i cant lie to myself and am more in touch with reality#it comes with the struggles of being in touch with reality while having no other safe guards helping me deal with the OTHER mental illness#called social anxiety akngksngksga#yippee!! im doing fine though i think all things considered#despite my current struggles im proud of how far ive come#definitely have been some drawbacks but its okay
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I still remember when virtue said something about my height I can’t recall exactly what she said but she said I’m like throwable ? Guys I don’t want to be thrown pls I don’t know what to say to this 😭
#I don’t understand why ppl love height difference why would someone want to be thrown#okay so maybe I might be like okay do it BUT THATS JUST CAUSE IM A LITTLE SELF DESTRUCTIVE so in the event I would approve (?)#it’d be like not for the ‘cute’ reason she’s intending more so end my misery kind of way 😭#regardless apart from the self destructive pov how can throwing someone be considered cute or nice or fun ? am I just dumb and stupid or am#I missing something#help 😭#dora daily#I feel like ppl act that me saying my height is me professing some flex but I’m not I’m just an open book is all#and I just say it to laugh at myself I don’t have an underlying motive of appearing cute cause my height is annoying and impractical#there is no functional advantage of being short it’s just inconvenient so I’m not sure why people approach it as if it’s some aesthetic#thing it’s not it just gets in the way like for example walking or reaching high places#people’s strides are much further than mine because my legs are so short it’s annoying I sometimes look at tall people and be like tut Tut 🙄#look at them having long legs and being faster than me without even trying and I’m out here slaving away walking practically twice their#distance they travel 😭 it’s so inconvenient ‼️‼️‼️‼️‼️😭😭😭😭#actually tho I can outwalk tall people#tall ppl are so used to calmly walking that me rushing everywhere has become a force of habit and I outwalk them HAHA#see this is what I mean I gotta overcompensate now with extra effort !!! 💔#who even said I’m remotely bothered SIGHHH
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#anyways im still mad today but its not lingering in my head like it was yesterday#thank fucking god for that lmfao#the more i think about it the more i realize that theres really no reason to be that upset bc yeah it sucks to lose#someone so close to me like that but......she was not afraid to give me red flags even when we were in a good place#and tbh this felt like a huge neon sign screaming get out while you can#and if the other girls we were friends with want nothing to do with me after this i honestly really do not care#i didnt see them often anyways and the one is basically still a teenager who drove me nuts 95% of the time#and the other 2 dont get into drama at all so i doubt they feel any type of way about me considering neither of them are that kind of person#im more annoyed that she did this right before we had plans for one of the girls birthdays and i have a feeling thats not happening anymore#i keep wanting to ask if were still doing anything but i would actually rather die than see b so..........no thank you#even if they do say anything ive already made other plans for tomorrow so......oh well#i feel so much less insane when everyone says i didnt do anything and its scaring me that i keep thinking back to the time era she accused#me of saying shit during and im like ???? i dont remember saying that. did i say that?? did i say you shouldnt have had your kid and i just#dont remember??? did i say we hang out to escape him and i just dont remember???? and all i can think of is false memories and a situation#where someone else said those things to me in that same time period. anyways i dont know why anyone would remember that specific of wording#if it wasnt to just be used as ammo later. but i genuinely dont remember saying any of that shit esp not that recently?????#and b is ungodly great at gaslighting and she also takes shit at face value and doesnt seek further info if shes not doing okay#so im just.....yeah im taking this as my sign#and to eliza from february.....bitch did i say any of that because i do not fucking remember it#self
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Too [insert adjective here] for guard ...................
Well, it's only half related.
We "hit a pothole", "had a slipup", whatever you want to call it — sunday. Aka: for the sake of my sanity we are not labeling it a relapse but good god does it feel as though I have invited the demons back in.
I know why, but I don't really know why. Because, I mean... I never have, to begin with. So: when I decided i was doing it sunday, i accepted it. "Let it happen", as someone would probably say to me. It's not...
I've been thinking about it for a while now. It's like anything - it comes and goes, a few times a year, and no matter what, I always ignore it.
Except, maybe there's something I'm not paying attention to? Or, ignoring, is the better word for it?
Of course it would be the one thing I have happening in my life.
November, I was burnt out for unrelated reasons. It was a lot to take in. That made sense. Now? ... why now?
There's not really any pressure on me. Yes, I have to do things, yes, it will be noticed if they're bad, but ...... it's not important. We don't spend time on it. I'm coming back next year, but it might be at the cost of ... all of this. I think it's progress. I haven't touched my guitar in any serious capacity in over a year. I think it's progress.
I don't take compliments well. I can't tell if that's why I don't get them, but I'm not being corrected much either. Only when I drift too far from what the work is supposed to be, only after weeks of it going, I can only assume, unnoticed. I keep getting stuck.
...push it back down.
Telling me I'm doing good isn't telling me what I know I have to be getting wrong. I could take it, at the cost of... all of this. I'm anticipating, and I know it can come. This is not where I was when I started.
It's been said, I haven't been told, that not starting it means you're more of a burden, by making the other person have to do it first. I know that. I do. And still it doesn't help. I'm not drowning. It wasn't an accident, but it wasn't planned, either. I don't know you.
I don't know you.
I'm not a good person. I'm not a nice person. Every week I tell myself this is really it, and every week I come back, and ... what? Forget I ever said anything? Forget we're not friends?
Well, we're not, huh? Nobody is, with me. What you see I swear you misunderstand. You don't ask. If you do, well, I can't answer. We're at an impasse.
It's not even my fault we didn't make it. I shouldn't feel like this over nothing. I don't do anything. You will, correctly, not let me do anything, because potential doesn't matter if you can't back it up. If you won't back it up. I let things happen to me.
I don't even feel better. And, actually, ironically, i think i know what would let me feel better. If I can't be upset with anyone else, at least I can be with myself.
... but, well, not even that. Your heart in my hands, but I mean it diegetically. And metaphorically. I hate putting myself out there, I hate having to actually perform, and yet every time, no matter what, I do it. I'm fine. I only cared at the start, and even then not very.
I don't feel anything. Not a lot, anyways. I don't let it happen. I can't. I don't know what it'll mean if I start being honest with myself.
...
I've pulled myself out of this before. A few times, now. Different circumstances, but I've done it all the same. Seasonal depression notwithstanding.
I'm only here because I did things I was scared to. And still, I'm the same. No progress made. The only way out is to do it again but I feel like I can't. I can't.
Will someone just let me say that?
Will someone just fucking help for once?
#sh tw#(implied - i know i didnt actually say it in the post but yes i did c** myself sunday)#100% секретный дневник левы НЕ ЧИТАЙ#im cursed with being a bit too self aware so#i think its compounded by my nepotism hire ... not letting me do my nepotism hire things#(for legal reasons i cannot say)#and then to add to that not letting me do anything I probably COULD actually do given slightly more instruction (at guard)#its just ... im a very angry person actually . except right now thats because im not EATING RIGHT EITHER#BECAUSE ALL OF MY PROBLEMS ARE COMBINING INTO ONE BIG INTERCONNECTED PROBLEM#back to my point.#guard instructors decided that for my first year i will not do anything cool because i'm not able to learn in about 2 seconds flat#[read: get very upset very quickly when i get things wrong and then . cant do them because im trying not to have a breakdown over]#[something REALLY STUPID like NOT BEING ABLE TO DO A SIMPLE TURN WHILE MOVING WITH THE FLAG]#so like okay. i get it okay. i'm not good at this. could you at least TELL ME i suck so i can feel justified about feeling bad about it.#could you just fucking tell me this isn't a guard where you can show up with no experience. could you do me a real solid and tell me that.#i dont know maybe the real sign it wasnt for me was when i was seriously considering not turning up for the second 'audition'#really i just hate how much he yells at us. not even at ME because i do so little there is no room to fuck it up. just at everyone else .#it doesn't motivate me to come back but i NEED 'friends' so bad and i love performing so now i just get anxious enough that i cant eat ..#.. before going to rehearsal. which is stupid. because i've done it a million times before.#......#i'm just.... everyone says he isn't actually that bad. & he used to be worse. so it really is just me.#it's just me being oversensitive. because i've never had any REAL experience in ... just about anything#so; yes. it IS on me how I feel and obviously how I react. and I keep pushing it down because it's stupid; really; to still feel this way.#anyways. our last weekend without a competition is this very weekend#so you'll never guess who's having a REALLY FUCKING HARD TIME trying to practice#i'm like this close to going to bed early and without having done the dance warmup for the third day in a row.#лёва there is no TIME why are you STILL NOT PRACTICING for the love of god get it together#(oh also when i say 'friends' in quotes it is because i desparately want to believe we're friends but they dont even talk to me really)#(and because im not even IN most of the show theres not much to bond over. literally like i have everything down Decent enough (apparently)#so theres not even any 'i will help u with this toss' team bonding. no shared moment of we are all out of breath because i DONT DO ANYTHING
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