#where someone else said those things to me in that same time period. anyways i dont know why anyone would remember that specific of wording

[our-lady-of-mcr]

.

[wutheringmights]

After I finished reading The Epic of Gilgamesh today, I entered a fugue state where I sat down and read the entirety of Alanna: The First Adventure by Tamora Pierce.

On the record, I have had a lifelong love and adoration for Pierce's Tortall books. I first read the Song of the Lioness quartet when I was 11, and they rewrote my brain. I love them so much. I reread them and the other Tortall books on a semi-frequent schedule.

It's been a while since I reread any of the Alanna books, if only because my sister took our shared copies when she moved out. I've been meaning to buy my own set for a long while now but haven't been able to justify the purchase. The other week, I just so happened to find the first two volumes at my local indie bookstore. I bought them immediately, as well as ordered the third and fourth book. (And discovered that the store owner knows me by name-- when I went to pick up my order, she saw me and said, Hi Frankie! I got your books over here.) (I may be spending too much money there.)

So I have been in a bit of an emotional rut these past few weeks. Work sucks. Life stinks. The temptation to run off to Tortall and curl up in the fantasy story that captivated me as a kid has never been stronger.

Ergo, I ran off to read the first book as soon as I could.

If you're looking for any critique of this book, series, or Tortall in general, I will never give it. Sure, it's problematic and dated, and in many ways imperfect, but someone else can list out all of its issues. They're all perfect to me.

Anyway, the book. I should say something about this book in particular.

One thing I appreciate about Pierce's writing is how she handles school settings in fantasy. Learning and training is so mundane. All of her heroines have to work hard and put in extra hours of study in order to improve, much less keep up with their peers. It's so normal that it circles around to being weirdly refreshing.

Also, there is still no other fantasy author who handles period talk and birth control the way Pierce does. We make fun of the trope of fantasy birth control nowadays, but I rarely see it presented as it is here: as a part of normal puberty lessons and given long before sex is in the girl's radar. And even today with the glut of YA fantasy stories out there, I still have yet to see menstruation be portrayed as frequently or as bluntly as Pierce writes it.

There was a period of time publishers really tried to push the Tortall books as straight YA, which doesn't work for that reason alone. You gotta market them to middle schoolers. They're the ones just starting puberty talks, and getting scenes like this is so good for their brains.

Moving on: I fucking love these characters. Alanna was an icon of brash, temperamental heroines that have shaped my taste to this day. I love how even in the first book, Jon is kinda shitty. I adore George Cooper. Talk about a taste maker the way this man sets a standard.

I just can't be coherent when it comes to any Tortall books. I have no thoughts. Head empty. I am going to binge the rest of this series as quickly as I can before my library book comes in. Then normal book content will resume.

Before I go, I need to talk about the book covers.

Growing up, my sister and I had these covers:

Which, god. I love them. The black is striking. The art is incredible. Alanna looks so good. They were the perfect pocket-size too. I was going to buy the same edition for my copies, but instead I got the 40th anniversary reprints:

Not bad at all! These books have had some seriously bad covers, and these look great! Very anime, which will appeal to the 11 year olds who need to have their socks rocked by this series.

But, man. I really miss those black covers. One day I will splurge and buy a second set of them just so that I can stare at the art.

[fuck-customers]

Ok hi hello, how the FUCK are we supposed to reach the "goal" if we're literally not told what the fucking goal is? And wtf is this passive-aggressive bullshit?

So my work has one of those phone number scams where they make us bully customers into giving us their phone number to have in our computer system that does not benefit the customers in any way. No rewards. No discounts. Nothing.

SO I had assumed that the register system automatically kept track of how many signups we were getting and all that shit. Literally what's the point if it's not? I still don't know. All I know is last week, one of the managers said "we're going to start keeping track of signups again" and I was like you weren't doing that the whole time?? Why the fuck did I bother doing the stupid ass signups for all that time then?

ANYWAY

The point of today's story is this:

I go into the breakroom at work and there's a printout of all of us employees and our phone number percentages. (employee numbers only, at least we weren't 100% put on blast, but it wouldn't be that difficult to narrow down which number was whose) with the employees who were under a certain percentage highlighted with a passive-aggressive note written that these employees need to reach "the goal."

1. WHAT fucking goal? Nowhere on this stupid public shaming attempt does it have any indication what the goal is that were supposedly working towards. Are we trying to reach 50% signups? 60%? 70%? Fuck if I know.

2. Even if there WAS a numbered goal, there's no way for the cashiers to know if they're hitting the goal or not until the week's results have been printed out and posted, which it appears management intends on doing. It's not like the registers have a little percentage in the corner so we can keep track of our own progress. Literally only management has access. So we have to blindly hope that we're reaching this unspecified goal.

3. There was absolutely no reason whatsoever to post that information to shame us. None of us were informed that we were supposed to be working towards any goal at all.

And 4. Ok so let's say we reach this mystery goal....and? What? What is that going to do for us? Or we don't reach the goal? And? So what? Management has lied in the past about if our numbers go up, so will our hours and that was a fucking lie.

I cannot stress enough just how useless the phone number thing is. It is not a store credit card signup where customers have to get approved or anything like that. The customer gets absolutely nothing out of providing their personal information. If they want coupons or discounts or rewards, they have to download the store app onto their phone. We cannot access any rewards or discounts on the register. At first, managers tried to lie to customers to say that if they provided their phone number, they could do returns without a receipt.

Except...you can do a return without a receipt no matter what. It's the exact same process/policy for every single customer. Whether or not they provide their phone number, every single customer doing a return without a receipt will automatically get the lowest price for those items in the last 90 days back. Period. There's not even a way to pull up old transactions from a customer's phone number if they lost their receipt. It is 100% useless. I personally suspect there's something shady going on and the company is selling customer's personal information or tracking their spending habits for advertising or something sketchy.

So anyway, someone who definitely was not me wrote a note back telling them to tell us what the goal was or else we cannot reach it.

If you decide you want to fudge the numbers a bit here are some random numbers to use.

Buena Vista Water Sports 407-239-6939 Sky Venture 407-903-1150 Orange Blossom Balloons 407-239-7677 Kennedy Space Center 407-522-5911 Silver Springs 352-236-2121 Cypress Gardens 1-863-324-2111 Fun Spot 407-363-3867 Gator Land 1-800-393-jaws or 407-855-5496 Green Meadows Petting Farm 407-846-0770 Holy Land Experience 1-866-872-4659 or 407-872-2272 Orlando Science Center 407-514-2000 WonderWorks 407-351-8800 Ripley’s Believe it or Not 407-345-0501 Boggy Creek Airboats 407-344-9550 Orlando Museum of Art 407-896-4231 Central Florida Zoo 407-323-4450 Leu Gardens 407-246-2620 Old Town 407-383-6126 Daytona USA 1-386-947-6530 Wekiwa Springs State Park 407-884-2008 Richard Petty Driving Experience 1-800.BE.PETTY Jungleland Zoo 407-396-1012 US Astronaut Hall of Fame 1-321-269-6100 Magical Midway 407-370-5353 Citrus Tower 1-863-324-2111 Sky Coaster 407-397-2509 Scenic Boat Tour of Winter Park 407-644-4056 Orlando Helitours 407-397-0226 Star Flyer (located at magical midway) 407-383-6124 Dotties Orlando Comedy Theatre 407-226-3680 192 Flea Market 407-396-4555 Visitors Flea Market 407-396-0114 Maingate Flea Market 407-390-1015 Medieval Times Dinner Show 407-396-1518 or 1-888-WE JOUST Pirates Dinner Adventure 407-248-0590 or 1-800-866-2469 Sleuths Mystery Dinner Show 407-363-1985 or 1-800-393-1985 Capone’s Dinner Show 407-397-2378 or 1-800-220-8428 Arabian Nights 407-239-9223 Walt Disney World Resort 1-800-W-Disney or 407-824-2222 Hoop Dee Doo Review 407-WDW-DINE Wide World of Sports (407) 939-2040 Disney’s Polynesian Luau 407-WDW-DINE Sea World 1-800-327-2424 or 407-351-3600 Discovery Cove 1-800-327-2424 or 407-351-3600 Universal Orlando Resort 407-363-8000

[0asisbliss]

Super slaughter

Warnings: Gore, murder, kidnapping, torture, etc. (Not to reader) This wasn’t present in this current chapter, but later on it will be included in the series. if you’re kinda sensitive to that kind of stuff I don’t request you read this.🤷🏽‍♀️

A/n: I had a lot of fun making this🙃

Parings: Yandere!Choso x Fem!Reader

It’s a massive massacre it’s super slaughter~

You had pretty much good life so far you got into college, and got a job. It’s good pay, and you have free time on the weekends. You didn’t have many friends though, and family lived out the country, so didn’t really talk to anyone much. Even though you had a couple of friends most of them were either busy, or just ignored you when you reached out to them.

You basically had no one if you had really thought about it. That’s until you met him anyway. He was kinda weird looking. Hair in to top ponytails and big black eyes staring back at you. No wonder he was talked about among the girls back at campus. Even though everyone thought he was handsome and good looking. Everyone had one thing in common when saying things about him. He. Was. Weird. Always having his head in a book, or just staring out in space. You might think it’s normal for people to do that. Maybe? But when he does it’s creepy. So when he approached you asking to hang out with him. You hesitate first, but you end up agreeing.

He then asks for your number to make a time and place for you two to go.

Choso’s cheeks flush a bright red thinking of you and him together. When his mind starts to wonder else where he shakes those thoughts out of his head. That’s when he wants to hear your sweet voice again.

You’re sitting on your bed doing absolutely nothing scrolling through instagram instead of doing your assignments that are due tomorrow. You can clearly see his caller id, but do really wanna talk to someone right now? You thought to yourself. Nonetheless you pick up the phone, and once you pick it up Choso’s eyes beam with glee, and happiness.

“Hi…” Choso say directly into the phone to make sure you hear him.

“Hello Choso how are you?”

“I’m doing fine. You smelled good today” Choso said this in a serious tone as if he really wants you to know. Everything seems fine until you realize you didn’t even see him today.

“Oh! Uh Choso I don’t remember seeing you today?”

“Don’t worry love I saw you.” You think about what to say for a moment before responding. You giggle a bit at his nickname for you.

“Well thank you Choso! You’re so sweet.”

She called me sweet I can’t believe she called me sweet!

Choso went quiet for a while not saying anything at all. You just wondered he went to go do something, and he’d be back.

The phone hung up. You thought nothing of it and went back to what you were doing even though the conversation was weird.

The next day once you get on campus you run by the campus cafe to get a quick coffee. Then you catch your friends. You two walk around to pass time before class starts. She goes with you to 1st period math.

Kacey and you have actually been friends since high school. You two eventually grew closer when you two talked about going to the same college together. If you could talk about anything to anyone it would be her. She had such a bright and funny personality when it came to life she was just in general a bubbly person.

When you two entered class you sat down in your seats. You two sat close to the teacher for better hearing since the class was fairly big. As you two got ready for lecture you two would always have small conversations.

“I hear that you’ve found someone!”

“Huh? What? No not really I’m actually not looking for anyone at the moment.” You said bluntly wondering why she would say something like that.

“Aren’t you in a relationship with the cute weirdo Choso?”

“No? Who said that?”

“Choso himself? That’s what he told me.” She shrugs getting her notes out.

“Oh no. We’re not dating, I’m just gonna assume he thought wrong and maybe talk to him about it.” You said in a positive tone.

After a couple hours pass and class is over you rush to find Choso. Hopefully to find him before he tell anyone else the false rumor of you two dating.Hopefully he won’t go crazy about it.

[jpitha]

More #Aliens are Gardenworlders. What happens when a Human gets approval to live on an actual Garden world?

Day 1 Hey Diary! I'm so excited! It took something like 8 weeks and practically a dozen forms, but I finally got approval to relocate to that Garden world I was telling you about! It's so nice here. Everyone is friendly, the house they assigned me to so so cute, and it's just incredibly easy to get around and get food. And the weather? It's been sunny and warm, and a local was confused when I asked what season it was. They don't have seasons! No more ice and snow! I think I'm going to like it here.

Day 28 Huh. Still sunny and warm today Diary. I expected at least some clouds or rain or a thunderstorm, but nothing yet. It's been sunny and warm all month long. They don't even count months here! They just track the days in a yearly period! Went out to my "garden" (really the forest behind my house) for some lunch and just grabbed whatever I could pick. It was all tasty and easy to eat.

Day 62 Diary. It's still sunny and warm. I don't get it. Every day is exactly the same. All the locals don't notice or care, and when I ask about weather they look at me oddly. Didn't feel like foraging today, so I just ate some of the "grass" in the backyard. It's fine, tastes like pistachio.

Day 180 OMG DIARY! It rained today! Everyone was so scared! They said it only happens once a year or so and was all worried about it. Schools were closed and everyone stayed inside. It wasn't even a thunderstorm! It just rained for about 90 minutes in the morning, then the clouds parted and it was sunny and warm again. I stood outside in the rain the whole time not even caring that I was getting wet.

Day 200 I've read just about every book I can get my hands on, twice! I've watched all the shows that I can get off my pad, human and non! (I will say, those K'laxi historical dramas are very good, but I don't like the Xenni war documentaries). I. am. bored.

Day 250 Okay, you're going to think I'm getting weird Diary, but this can't be normal. It rained once the whole time I was here, it's never gotten too cold or too hot, has always been sunny or partly sunny, I can eat practically everything around me and get this - it's so easy to sneak up on the locals. It sounds mean when I write it out, but I can just crouch in the bushes and when one walks by jump up and go BOO! And they scream and run away. The fourth time I did it, the authorities came by and asked me nicely to stop. They said they didn't want to "interfere with any human predator rituals" but that I had to "stop stalking the locals."

Day 380 It's been more than a year, and I'm more convinced than ever that I am in hell. After that one time it rained last year, it hasn't done anything else! Also, I got in trouble again for stalking the locals - I wasn't even going to attack them or anything, it's just TOO EASY to sneak up on them. I need to get another hobby or something.

Day 420 (nice!) So Diary, I got in some pretty big trouble with the planetary authorities this time. It turns out, nobody here had ever heard of Extreme Sports before. I was just so bored, that I had a motocross bike shipped over. I had found one that was just like I had when I was a kid on Earth! It was so cherry. Someone had done a lot of work to it. Anyway, I had built a little course in the back forest of my house, nothing crazy! But someone saw me doing jumps and getting some sick air, and called the authorities, worried I was "exhibiting symptoms of self-harm." They took my bike!

Day 500 Okay, I give. I can't live here anymore. If you can believe it, I'm getting burnt out on nice weather! I did a telehealth session with a human therapist off-world and they recommended I apply to be transferred back to a human world, or at least moved to a Starbase or ship. Somewhere where things can change, and there's more going on.

[sir-yeehaw-paws]

I know he's canonically infertile, but do you think Big Boss would have kept the kids if they weren't clones, or at the very least be involved in their lives?

Hello Anon! "They're no sons of mine." "Just a bunch of cells grown in a lab?" "What they are is much sicker than that." -Big Boss and Ocelot, Truth Tapes, MGSV.

Oh man. This is one of those things I waffle on hard. Because I think the real root of BB not wanting to have anything to do with the kids is because their creation, and existence, was born of betrayal.

BB knew people were thinking about him passing his genes along. It's hinted at a little bit in MGS3, if in a sort of 'off-handed' way, but he was certainly aware people around him (like Para Medic) thought about it and had considered it.

To me, one of the key issues with the clones is that he wasn't given a chance to say 'yay' or 'nay'. Everyone just did it behind his back, because they had access to his DNA. That alone (the non-consensual aspect) is more than enough for him to reject his 'sons' completely.

And he isn't wrong to do so, in this regard. The sons themselves are innocent, but that doesn't make it easy for BB to accept them as 'his' when he wasn't given a choice, or any form of capability to consent.

There was also the timing. NOT that him being cloned against his will would ever, in any circumstance be okay, but at the time, BB was still grieving the Boss, and had been used and betrayed by the USA. I tend to keep in mind that the US using him was a betrayal for BB, because before that, he willingly followed the will of the government.

Something the Boss herself warned against.

Caps: DiamondDogs

After all that, people he considered his friends, also betray him. By this point BB must've truly felt that he can't trust anyone, and that no matter where he goes, someone out there is only going to see him as some kind of glorified tool; no matter how much he might've trusted them, or how strong their relationship was.

With all that being said, if we do remove the cloning aspect, and assume the twins to have been born the normal way (that is, the old-fashioned consensual way with Eva) would he have kept them?

I'd say it would depend on the circumstances. There's a brief period after MGS3, before The Patriots are formed where BB is working odd jobs, and just trying to find his place again. Could he ostensibly settle down and be a standard all-American family man?

Honestly, I don't really think so. I think that he knows and understands warzones the best; and that he has a level of discomfort with society that is hard to ignore. I think BB would end up finding a warzone or war-adjacent zones anyway, and that anything else just ends up being a temporary delay or temporary reprieve.

Having children would get in the way of that. (Until later, of course..we know he has Chico and children in Zanzibarland, by the time he's a full-out warlord)

Which shifts me into the secondary aspect, or a possible alternative-BB accepting his sons when they're old enough to be 'useful' to him. In this case, they'd be part of his soldiers, his men, and work under him. Obeying him the same way any of his other soldiers do; and working for the same 'end' goal.

I think he and Liquid would clash even without Liquid's ever-present desire for patricide, but I imagine he and Dave would get along to some degree, if they had aspects they could bond over. Even if that bonding only ever boils down to 'sitting side by side doing some task or another, and not saying a word' Maybe hunting together, or other things they can share.

I don't know that BB would ever see himself as a 'family man'. But I could see him accepting them as his sons if they were wanted by him to some degree. Or slowly accepting them in his life, if they were brought into the world with his consent.

There could maybe be an argument of him accepting them despite the non-con aspect, but I think it'd be more with an element of 'you're men that I respect and like, but I can't call myself your father'.

Which is..essentially what ends up happening, way at the end.

Caps: Shirrako

TL'DR: Maybe he would, but it would be a victim or a situation of circumstance, IMO. I'm open to thinking about it further and discussing it more, though.

[love-kurdt]

Swooping, Sloping, Cursive Letters: 18

word count: 503

PLEASE READ THIS IS ME TRYING FIRST, AS THIS STORY RELIES HEAVILY UPON THE CONTEXT OF TIMT

February 14, 1989

Dear Will,

I hate Valentine’s Day with a burning passion. You know this already. It’s a day where people profess their love for each other in the cheesiest, most materialistic ways and it makes me want to vomit. And it’s not just that; it’s the fact that people like me aren’t able to do those same things… at least, not in public. But that’s the whole point of Valentine’s Day– declaring your love for someone, and everyone else knows about it.

But the worst part about this particular Valentine’s Day was that you got valentines from so many girls. It was like they were vultures circling overhead, waiting for their chance to swoop in and get their chance with William Jacob Byers, the insanely attractive, sweet, talented artist with a smile that contains the light of a thousand suns. I mean, I don’t blame them, because if I were a girl, I would be… I’m not even gonna try and finish that sentence. I know for a fact that even if I were a girl, I wouldn’t have a shot with you. You turned down all the real ones, so why would I be any different?

Anyway, the plot thickens: during lunch, some girl came up to us looking all shy and asking to speak with you in private. The way she smiled at you reminded me of a bloodthirsty shark, or maybe a rabid saber tooth lion. You looked at me, almost as if you were afraid to be alone with her. I would be too, if I’m being completely honest with you. I told her that you were busy going over our math homework that was due next period (we didn’t even have it out at that point, but whatever). She scoffed at me before proceeding to ask you if you wanted to go and get ice cream “or something” after school, “like, a date.” I think she and I both held our breath while awaiting your response. 

By some miracle, you told her you were flattered, but you weren’t interested; you had plans with me this afternoon. Which wasn’t technically true, since we hadn’t made any plans that were set in stone, but I backed you up and helped let her down… well, not so slowly. More like tossing her off a cliff at the speed of light. But still. She thanked you anyway and walked off, probably to go cry in the girls’ bathroom or some shit. You glanced in my direction to thank me, and I asked if you were serious about having plans with me later. You shrugged and said, “Well, I’m down if you are.” I was down, alright. So unbelievably down, you have no idea. Spending Valentine’s Day with you is an opportunity I would never pass up, platonic or otherwise. And now it’s just a matter of time until you come over. I have a Star Wars marathon and all your favorite snacks ready to go. I can’t wait.

Love,

Mike

-

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[thebroccolination]

it confuses the hell out of me how Tumblr out of all places harbors most negativity toward BMF. situation it's much better now though, but the early period and before the show aired was nothing but spite an vitriol filling the tags. on the bright side, pretty much every other platform is head over heels for BMF, especially Reddit. they're usually critical af but BMF seems to be universally praised. anyways, I'm beyond excited for the remaining eps, and here's hoping for a strong finale so this show becomes one of the often recommended ones 🙏

On BMF getting more negativity on Tumblr than other places:

I thiiiiink it's because Tumblr has an especially high North American/European user base, and that's where the majority of the Krist hate seems to come from. What people still point to (the IG story, the rape filter joke, the "I don't want to watch Singto specifically kiss other men because this is fanservice on a variety TV show that people are going to quote out of context as me saying I don't like watching men kiss" thing) are either debunked or happened years ago, but when interfans arrived in droves in 2020, they kicked up old news like it was brand new and passed around hearsay like it was fact.

I mean, even I've learned new things since I made my post and thread about Krist back in September. For one, GMM didn't arrange his press conference in 2020 to address the issues. Krist did. Even though he'd already apologized multiple times over the years for things he never repeated, he still wanted to take accountability because of the amount of attention interfans were bringing to it. Part of that press conference was Krist even saying he'd never make excuses for what he's done and that he'll apologize as long as he's asked to.

The first(?) apology Krist made for the IG story was long, long ago, one I can't even find a translation for, that's how long ago it was. But Krist's long-time fans said that someone did translate it, but their English wasn't strong, so interfans picked apart their translation as if Krist's apology was lacking. (It's like how some interfans criticized Win in Between Us for being forceful because the subtitles originally said "kiss me" when what he actually said in Thai was "can I kiss you?" Interfans who don't speak Thai just make assumptions based on translations sometimes and it's part of my villain origin story.) Again, I don't have the apology to hand, but apparently one part of it was Krist saying something like, "I responded without thinking of how it would look. As a Y actor, I don't have those kinds of bigoted thoughts. This is my home, and I'm very proud of and supportive of the community that's raised me and cared for me," and the fan translation apparently paraphrased all of that into something like, "As a BL actor, of course I'm not homophobic." So like. Even when he's apologized, interfans have historically found a way to throw rocks at him anyway, so it gets exhausting to see people casually calling him homophobic because Melanie in Minnesota saw a screenshot of an IG story on Twitter and then made a list of six problematic BL actors you should definitely avoid because they skin babies and punt puppies into volcanoes.

On BMF being great:

I'm so excited for the last three episodes. \:D/

I'm so proud of Krist and Gawin for the work they've done up until now. It's wild to think about the amount of information they had to keep in mind as they were filming. Because, like, series already film out of order, but they also had to keep in mind different timelines of the same characters out of order. The fact that you can see not only Kawi's growth but everyone else's as well so fluidly and consistently over the episodes so far says a great deal about the quality of the production, I think. The directing, the writing, the acting. All of it is really, truly phenomenal.

Aaahhhh why is it only Tuesday. :'(

ANYWAY thank you, Anon! Sorry for the rant about Krist. I'm just tired of seeing him get so much hate for years on end when he's such a loving and giving person who's been a vocal queer ally since SOTUS. Not just during Pride, either. He really has been deeply misconstrued by interfans at large, and I just hope the people who've made up their minds about hating him (and the ones who've made their hate so public they're too stubborn to admit they misread him) will just learn to ignore him and stop tormenting him. He's already suffered panic attacks and depression as a result of the constant abuse, and it's repulsive that anyone thinks that's acceptable to do.

[skishie]

omga i love your airphone gijinkas

anyways i uave no idea if youve already said this somewhere ,my memory sucks ,but how do you reckon airy and mephone met. what is ur perosnal headcanon. grabby hands i must know (i love airphon

UUWAAAA THANK YOU !!! im really glad you do... looks up at you so politely and with a big smile.. i want to draw them again but better and more like a ref so hopefully soon! :D aaaatehee heeee i have not spoken about it publicly so im more than open to go into it now... cracks my knuckles(its actually not that intense but i jsut have a lot of thoughts)

OKAY, so personally i like to think about it starting after airy dies the second time(the end of ONE). its nice for him to still have gone through everything hes done and experienced because its what makes him him. he needs to be the airy we know and love. this also allows for bonding and growth and other such things. anyways, he uses the radio and ends up in the world of inanimate insanity! this would also take place after season 3 has wrapped up, either before or after the library is built. this means he can meet mephone and they can start bonding over being hosts of game shows but as airy talks mephone starts to understand "wow he just like me, but i got better, and now i want to help him" so mephone feels this need to help airy out with the same growth that mephone jsut went through. but also anyone whos been through the isolation that airy has been through along with dying who knows how many times. mephone just wants to help him and help his mental state and get him resocialized and to a point where he understands why he should be a bit more thoughtful or so on and whatever. airy would still be his old self but a bit more caring/understanding to a degree. i think hes just got some mental problems going on and hes just kind of an odd guy. mephone lets him hang around and either they could MAYBE? co host together, but at first hes just watching mephone do a show first before anything like that. which he watches from afar. hes not so used to being upclose or even being around people anymore so he likes to watch from a distance. as time goes on yada yada mephone would develop feelings first, and airy would much later. mephone would develop feelings while helping airy and such, airy takes a lot longer because he is readjusting and just, getting some basic social skills back. i like them in part because i just see mephone having gone through the growth he went through because he was similar to airy, and then meeting airy after this and realizing "wow i should help him too because this is just how i was and id hate to see someone else suffer the way i did" kind of thing and blah blah idk sorry i yapped and i hope any of this makes sense/is readable period. i ramble a lot and my thoughts kind of get lost oops. im not great with words or wording things well. not everything is thought out but those are my thoughts :] ps: airy still has the cracked head because thats just how i personally like to see him and draw him. i also think that if he died and came back that after all hes done, thats more akin to who he is now. hes a broken individual who needs help/fixing. if that makes sense(also a bit of self projecting) pps: my boyfriend wanted to add his two cents for what he knows of mephone as well(hes not finished season 3 yet) and yknow,,, hes right i think its a mix of what i said and mix of what he said... which is: "wow he just like me for real, not anymore though, also this guy's committed some major fucked up stuff and that's just not right, if i fix this guy maybe it'll look really good for me"

[sunglassesmish]

I thank /you/ for being on the right side of this. Like I know you’re a huge misha stan, but im thankful you’re holding firm that misha is wrong for not stating it’s a genocide.

I need people (not you, because you clearly get it, thank you) to understand that regardless of how good-intentioned words are, they can still be hurtful, wrong, and dangerous. Period. Misha is saying things that are right, but that doesn’t change the glaring fact that in between these statements the huge harmful error is not calling these actions a genocidal. Acknowledging X war crime, (avoids saying genocide), acknowledging X war crime, etc, etc (still doesn’t say genocide), I mean that’s wrong of misha, and he doesn’t need to be coddled.

There’s no need to be “nice” when it comes to correcting someone’s incorrect statements on mass murder and genocide. And no, not needing to be nice is not the same thing as calling for death threats. Death threats are wrong. Coddling and saying “he’s trying his best!” Is also wrong - because in his original statement he said he had done his research already, and that was the stance he came up with (disagreeing that there’s genocide occurring). Saying someone is trying their best should be reserved for trying to ride a bike, acting, etc. There’s no skills that need to be honed to acknowledge what is happening to Palestinians is genocide.

So anyways I encourage people to pls stop coddling a grown man from the safety of your home and cell phone/laptop while debating about the mass murder that is simultaneously occurring.

anyways! thank you for being a blog that I can still follow in good faith.

i have been getting multiple anons saying that he can’t say genocide because of political reasons and blacklisting etc. and whilst i am trying to understand that he can’t say genocide but can say everything else he’s said thus far, i still maintain that the refusal to say genocide is not the only problem here. he’s still not acknowledging how the israeli government is committing ethnic cleansing of palestine and has been since 1948. he’s previously stated this

but does he mention that this involved the nakba where HALF OF THE PALESTINIAN POPULATION were displaced from their homes?? NO.

anyways. i can see how he’s using the platform he has to call for a ceasefire and i maintain that whilst that’s good, it’s still the bare minimum. i’m glad he’s stated that he’s trying to learn, and that he wants to have an open discussion. but misha using his platform to demand a ceasefire and then not provide any help or ways to actually do so??? he’s done so much more in the past for tens of different causes.

maybe i’m asking too much of him. maybe people will tell me that it’s not his responsibility to provide us with those things and that we’re all on the internet so we can look for it ourselves. but that argument doesn’t hold as much weight when you recognise that he’s spoken up about this multiple times now, yet this is the first time he’s done something remotely helpful.

[talenlee]

Pride Month 2024!

It’s the introduction of another theme month, and this time around it’s the month of Corporations Conspicuously Caring About Queer People, and people showing their ass about how good or bad they are about publically presenting information about types of queerness. I’m sure I’ve said something aphobic on a June, but also, my hand has been stabbed, you know I’m from inside the city and I’m not doing these things out of a desire to support the structure and you know, watching, listening, learning and growing, apology video on my Patreon. Joking aside, point is, you know what kind of person I am and why I might say ‘faggotry.’

Anyway, time to talk about what to expect in Pride Month and what it means. And I need to do it without just pointing directly to the article I wrote on this from last year that I honestly think is kind of perfect for summarising my feelings about why we need Pride Month and why I do Pride Month content in Pride Month.

I think I’ve softened a lot on ‘queer media’ in the month. Not as that implies – I’m not about to act like Fire Emblem or Persona series games are games to talk about in this period in the way to promote them. I know that ‘Queer Media’ was an umbrella opened up over things that were in many cases actively awful about and to queer readings, and that used to drive me nuts. I’d put out the call like ‘hey, does anyone know media with this [trait]’ and despite media of that trait existing I’d get someone popping up to talk to me about something horrendously not an answer to the problem and then someone else well-meaning would take this as a conversation about that thing and not about my initial question and suddenly I was dealing with people babbling about something that was actively irritating me.

Originally I had some pretty stringent views on queer media. It was something in the vein that the work needed to explicitly have at least one queer character who was specifically and correctly defined by the narrative, rather than it being impressions and vibes. The idea I think I had was something to the effect of trying to forward media created for queer purposes rather than just relying on fan media to build up the queerness around it.

This particular position softened, of all things, because of Star Trek: Deep Space 9. And make no mistake: I don’t actually think that highly of the bulk of a series about a religious motivated dad leading a specialist religious movement where the whole story farts out at the end. It’s the 90s, it’s a Star Trek, they’re all a bit rough and ropy, whatever. But for a time there I kinda had a negative view of the Garak/Bashir relationship that was treated as a element of the show’s queer representation. And like, that was interesting but it was also very much not text – we get to see Garak even establish a relationship with… a really creepy young lady, but whatever whatever that’s not important.

The point is that I thought that that was basically something like fanon. It seemed a kind of compromise, and I think I didn’t need that kind of compromise was acceptable. I wanted to platform queer media and that meant indulging in smaller and more indie work in an attempt to platform people.

Low key, this was a way in which I acted as if the creator of a work is a person who even exists, and that’s just not true.

And then we got to see interviews, now, decades later, with the actors – both of them – who played those characters, who made it very, very clear: Garak is trying to get Bashir into bed. This relationship is not straight. It has that tension, it’s not a thing we’re imagining, it’s a thing they tried to put into the story. And sure, they are, at this point, the same as fans, but they’re fans who had the choice to actually influence the making of the work. By discarding Deep Space 9 from ‘Queer Media’ because it’s not Queer enough I’m creating the impression that queer creators don’t get to be included because they might have been filtering their work through other lenses. It reminds me of Hannah Gadsby’s Nanette, where again, they said in response to the request for lesbian content, ‘I was on stage the whole time.’

Plus, I mean, most of the media I make, the books and the games and the TTRPG stuff, that’s all queer content but you’ll find surprisingly few directions of who sucks or fucks what or does not ever suck or fuck. One Stone doesn’t have a seriously straight character in the entire dialogue and I’ve written about how Cobrin’Seil is a world where ‘queer identities’ don’t even come up because the idea of queerness you exist with is a modern construct and if nobody wrote a book about how it was messed up in the modernist era, then there might be a wholly different set of values about that. The main way stuff I make ‘is queer’ is as a byproduct of me being the one who made it, which is to say I’ve gotten my queer cooties all over things, and if that’s the case then I kinda gotta be a little more giving to the work that is even aggressively heterosexual because it’s still art by queer artists working within constraints that were ultimately, not ideal.

Anyway, point is that that means that I was willing to approach the Pride Month media with a slightly wider arm, to grab in stuff that may have more of these transient properties, more work that’s made to highlight someone who is or has that queer element, someone bringing something to the forefront that isn’t necessarily as nakedly, tangibly obvious as like, the gag at the end of Paranorman. I got to watch a bunch of youths watch The Matrix for the first time last month and it was a trip watching as people who grew up in the world it shaped who had no idea how freaking queer it was.

The bricks the flower breaks to bloom are part of why and how it blossoms.

Check it out on PRESS.exe to see it with images and links!

[fizzingwizard]

life stuff

I did so many dumb things yesterday. Can't even remember them all now, but for one, I went to the wrong floor when I got home and even tried the key before I realized. I also went to a sushi place where you have color-coded plates, and I took a plate that wasn't my color. I have been going there for years and I've never not once done that before. Also at work I was just a basketcase who couldn't commit to anything.

Then today I made oatmeal, but apparently never turned the kettle on?? So I just poured ice cold water on my oats and uh yeah not appetizing. I just decided to starve until dinner 9_9

I'm a little perplexed by so many senior moments, but I think it just means I'm a lot more tired than I realized. It was a tough week. Many teachers were out sick. Including a teacher who quit for (highly legitimate) personal reasons just last week, we were missing four to five teachers nearly every day. We didn't have one day with a full staff. It's also conference season so I had a ton going on, and my kids were unusually difficult. I think it's a combo of them all being sick but not sick enough to stay home, and my challenging students just having some extra challenges, and everything happening at the same time. I've also been under the weather in a weird nebulous way: various symptoms, overall fatigue, no fever, but lasting weeks and weeks. Can't call out for it as much as I want to. Wednesday was alright but every other day was like wow, welcome to hell. Though I shouldn't say that because hell would be a kid getting hurt. No injuries, no disasters, just a very tired and frustrated teacher.

Because of all the teacher absences, those of us who were here every day got slapped with a lot more on-duty time and just stints of break here and there. We couldn't even get what's in our contracts a couple days, which always pisses me off because I'm literally not getting paid for one hour that I'm at work. And the company doesn't want us to do overtime of course bc they have to pay us for it. (They are known for "forgetting" to account for overtime hours as well so everyone double checks their paychecks). Yet we've been understaffed all year, so in order to not pay for overtime, they just send teachers from another nearby school to ours to help. One of my coworkers always insists on apologizing to them. I'm not apologizing. I didn't do it. Let the company apologize. I'll thank the other school for helping (not that they have a choice) but tbh it'd be better if they said it was impossible, then the company might actually hire a full time teacher. Oh btw last year when several of us were helping the other school when their teacher left on paternity leave for the rest of the year, no one thanked us. In face they mostly just forgot about us and looked surprised every time we turned up (biweekly! for months!) to do the job they told us they needed us to do

Anyway I told the manager that as much as I understand why break/prep time is limited when there are many teacher absences, it looked as though time had been redistributed without any thought about equality. Wed's hours were a mess, but I let it slide because I thought I could fix it to be okay for Friday. Well, someone else was out on Fri, and the time was redistributed again and I had less for the whole week than everyone else. Now there are a few factors: some teachers work longer hours than others but make "the same" pay (I put it in quotes because some of the contracts are a little different and I don't know the details, but it's roughly similar anyway). A teacher who is at the school for 7 hours has gets the same off-duty time as ones who are there for 8 or 9. But if it's okay to give more off-duty time to 9 hr teachers than 7 hr ones, that's never been expressed. And because 7 hr teachers go home before the least staffed period of the day, it's the 8 hr teacher who end up with less off-duty time because there are fewer opportunities to take it. The ones that come earlier than 4 pm have to go to the 7 hr teacher first. The ones that come after 5 pm are only available to the 9hr (which sucks for them because who wants to not have a break till after 5? they do usually get some break earlier as well but it's shorter).

Overall the distribution is unfair and dumb even when it's done according to the books. We used to have a couple leaders who would point out when things were too tight or not fair to whoever, but they both quit in the mass exodus of last year. I thought I could point it out and the manager would say "oh sorry, I'll keep an eye on that for the future." I didn't expect my schedule to be changed, just that promise. Instead the manager first said it was fine that I had less off-duty time than everyone else because I had conferences (??? our contracts don't change when there are conferences - or do they? lol well if they do it was never a problem any other year before now...). So I was like not really, and she proceeded to give me a bit of someone else's prep, the teacher who had the most for the week, only I found out later that that teacher wasn't feeling well that day. She may have been given the extra time due to her condition, and because I brought it up, she lost it. But I had no idea she wasn't feeling well. When I found out, I tried to trade with her, but she refused every time. It's just 15 min we're talking about. What does it say to you when teachers feel guilty all day long for having 15 min of prep time that could have been someone else's? fuck everything

Also only found out later that another coworker spent all of her prep time onboarding a new teacher. New teacher, hurrah, whatever, it's fucking January already but sure. Well, that coworker could have used a little extra off-duty time as well. But nobody bothers to tell Fizz. I would have happily traded off-duty time with her as well but I'm not pyschic my dude. I'm just not.

While I'm complaining let me sandwich in another annoyance. The other class decided they wanted to do a certain project. They began work on the project, but then got told by the manager that they had to include my class, because what they were doing was big enough to be unfair if only one class got to participate. Since they had already begun work, it was taken for granted that my class would just be doing the project as well now. No one asked if that was alright with me. No one asked if I wanted to edit or add anything. Actually, no one even TOLD ME WHAT WE WERE DOING. The other class teacher told my co-teacher the project was happening, but not the details. I waited two weeks, nothing, so finally I had to go ask them what the heck this was about, and they then told ME what to do. Absolutely no interest in what I might think about it at all. They decided, so I just have to do it. I could argue, of course! But like every time I have the audacity to disagree with Things That Someone Has Decided, I'd just be seen as making trouble for no reason. The project is good for the kids, so it's not easy to be against it. And I'm not against it. But I do feel disrespected. Like did it occur to no one that I, also a classroom teacher, might already have my own project in mind for my class??? If this had happened in reverse, then as soon as I knew my project was going to be expected of another class as well, I would have gone and talked to that class's teachers. I would have asked for their input and changes and I would have been fully prepared, no matter how unlikely it was, for the possibility that they just wouldn't want to do it at all. Because it's their class and i don't make decisions about their class. "But it's a cute project for little kids" blah blah everything we do is a cute project for little kids. IT'S STILL WORK FOR TEACHERS. Kill me for preferring the projects I chose and put effort into instead of projects someone else picked out without even asking my opinion. And I'm still doing it! I haven't made a scene! But was it really too much to expect at least "sorry about this" or "do you want to change anything"?? I really saw red for a while.

I'm fed up with my job in a lot of ways and I want to switch. But I don't know where to go. Finding somewhere new will mean starting over from base salary which is even lower than what I make now. The more tiring and demanding the work becomes, the less the pay makes it feel worth it. No one becomes a pre-k teacher to get rich. We like little kids. But there sure are a lot of expectations of teacher's the schools are basically throwing peanuts at. The perk, yeah, is the time off. But since it's only during cold months I never really do anything with it. It was nice to go home over the holidays, but I couldn't afford to do it every year whether I had the time off or not lol.

I honestly don't know what to do right now and it's making me extra anxious. Just hoping something will fall into my lap hahaha great strategy there. Glassdoor sends me useless spam every day :) Even got one saying I'd be a "perfect fit" to teach Christian ed to the kids of a traveling circus x'D

[casketscratch]

The neglect is so hard to come to terms with.

TWs for child abuse, trafficking mentions, alter talk, neglect, general spewing about it all, etc.

The neglect has been so hard to accept.

My mom divorced my bio dad when I was, what, 2 or 3? (Unfortunately, the abuse had started by then already, and every weekend he would take my sister and me to visit his parents, so that old lie I used to tell myself about how my dad was harmless really died a harsh death).

I grew up in a house with my mom, sister, maternal grandparents, sometimes an aunt, and my grandma babysat the neighbourhood's kids after school. She mostly paid attention to them.

I don't think anyone ever watched me. I think it was very easy for me to wander away from home. And I wanted to, often, because my maternal grandparents were abusive anyway. A lot of hiding in closets hoping not to be found. A lot of being hit and scared. So I spent a lot of time outside, just... roaming.

My mom was never around. I don't remember ever seeing her before school, and she would always get home late -- she was working and going to school. She just doesn't figure into my memory during that period at all, and she only shows up after she moved me and my sister into an apartment when I was 10 or 11. I remember everyone else, but my mom was mostly someone I saw in the evening and before bed.

My mom is convinced I was always home, never left the place, and couldn't have gotten up to much. My sister disagrees, she remembers a lot of the same things I do and the shit we'd get up to, so I have that confirmation. I was almost never home. I was almost always at someone else's place.

All the fucking time. And it made it so easy for... I don't know how to word this, I'm really struggling. I hate saying "for me to be preyed on" or something, but if the adults in my life were predators, then that's what fits, doesn't it? Prey.

I tried to run away from home so often, and when I brought this up with my mom, in a haha, remember when? way, she had no idea. Thought I'd just been kidding around, or something. The first time I always remembered (in that snapshot, crystal clear flashbulb way that always seems to mean Something Happened for us), I was 3 or 4 years old. I just walked out the front door and was determined to find a new family, or a pack of wolves to live with maybe, that'd've been fine! I didn't get far before a neighbour brought me back home. I was...

I typed "furious." I don't remember being furious. I remember being confused because I couldn't remember how I'd gotten there, and I was lost and scared suddenly. (Sometimes I write something and have to go like, oh, wow, Sacha was right, we really do have that DID-ass kind of DID.)

And I remember my aunt finding me in the ravine one night, years later, hiding under the leaves. She had her dog with her--one of those big fluffy german dogs she used in Search and Rescue. Finding me was a cakewalk. She promised to lie for me when we got home so I wouldn't get in trouble for getting lost, but I was trying to run away that time too. I don't remember how I got there, or why I was hiding.

I know my mom is just being defensive and really, I am not out to convince her of anything. She'll accept what she can, and I don't want to fight for the rest. But...

Where the fuck were the adults? Why was I allowed to spend so much time in other people's, other adults homes? My grandma was so busy watching every other kid in her "dayhome" that I went ignored. Any complaint I had, any injury, I was told I was lazy or bored or making it up for attention.

At some point I was so physically hurt I couldn't move off the couch and all she said was "growing pains" while finally offering me a heating pack. I was five, six years old. She's such a sweet old lady until... that stuff comes up. Anything about pain, it's like I wasn't allowed to be hurt in her eyes.

I always thought growing up in my grandparent's house wasn't so bad. But... the hiding in closets, the running away all the time, the screaming, the fear I felt just being home because someone would find some reason to lash out at me. Or ignore me, which was worse, because I'd start feeling like I wasn't real.

Why was I the only one around to care about me? Why did I do such a fucking bad job of it? If my dad hadn't hurt us first, would we have been able to stand up for ourselves? To do something other than forget all about it and do it again the next day?

The number one question I hear from people is always how my mom couldn't have known what was going on, but it's right there, isn't it. The answer's been the same all along. She wasn't there to see it. She didn't even have to pretend not to see it because she just was not there.

I guess I should be kinder to myself. We didn't do a bad job of taking care of us. We got through it alive. (And then there's a jab at the back of my brain about how it continued until 2018, though, so maybe we didn't do a great job!)

It is just a mess of feelings in here tonight.

[evelyne-am]

14th March 2023-

14th March 2023

Day 1 

(By the way I’m really glad I didn’t post as last night because my day one continued over the 24 hours.)

I don’t know where to start. Those who follow my stories know that I didn’t sleep much, I felt nervous excited and scared all at the same time. There is a part of me that thinks that this kind of grueling training is exactly what I need, to strip myself to nothing after being somewhat applauded the last year or so in the music world, that has been nice after a long pandemic of feeling indispensable,but it has been completely unchallenging. But also it has been a long time since I have sat and created music, as opposed to performing it, and the next couple of months I had saved for that, so I wasn’t sure if fully I knew what I was giving up my creative space for.

I woke up 30 minutes before my alarm and had a chat with a couple of friends who were awake at the time thinking “ oh I have these extra minutes” only to discover it was my first day of my period. If you have a woman’s body then you will know for many that is horrible horrible day for most. For me it’s usually raging pain. Today was no different. I want to be full proof about being there punctually every day so the driver was ready for me and I was bang on time but I have not accounted for the fact that I would be in so much pain. I asked the driver  to go get some medicine and said if you couldn’t find me, leave it in front of the lift. I reach 20 minutes before our call time so I can listen to some music and chill, the second I arrived I see others had already arrived; they were warming up walking, jogging and within two minutes of me coming sir and our other director Mohsina (henceforth referred to as M) also walked in. I did not have a chance to chill. I was pleased I was there before sir though, (like everyone else was,) that he saw my face when he walked in and not that of someone who came exactly time but as someone who came for themselves to adjust to the new surroundings just like we had been taught in the workshop. Sir comes daily with a whole car full of things; a project, Harmonium, a keyboard, speakers, and a big picnic basket full of goodies for us. Even in the workshops I’ve seen him always come 30 to 60 minutes early so that he has ample time to set up all his equipment and also if there are any questions for anyone who comes early. I see the room (pictured) on the 6th floor that will be my home for 3 months. It is beautiful in the morning sunlight, and way way nicer than the one we did the workship in, I feel so lucky the moment I have entered, a weird sense of belonging comes over me. After a quick warmup. There are 12 of us if you count M. 8 females and 4 males, quite a small cast. They are all quite pros but one of the males is a young guy who was in the workshop with us, tbh I was surprised to see him, but found out he is just shadowing the cast as he can’t attend daily due to university. The rest of us are the main cast, but it will determined what roles we each have as the play is designed. Sir started with a short but sweet message for us to be kind to be grateful and to remind us that we are doing is paying homage to the people that the play is written about (we’ll talk about that later) Sir told us a little bit about how his vision in the play. I won’t give too much away (but this blog will have a lot of spoilers for this play anyway, so don’t read if you don’t want spoilers for Spardhhas next production. ) But for now let’s just say it’s going to be immersive. It made me feel so excited, I can’t tell you. I have those feelings of when we were bringing Rahman Sir for his honorary doctorate in Berklee. But there I knew exactly what was going to happen I could envision it. Here it's outside my realm  of thought everything that was talked about; lights and audience participation and set I don’t even know what they’re meaning but I could tell that it’s exciting.

My adrenaline got me through the first half, the first half is something that I know a little about as I had done the workshops last month. It’s fully physical, it's sometimes really hard, and sometimes there are little breaks that he gives for us to meditate in between the exercises. I don’t want to divulge his actual methods but there’s voice, breathing, full body, meditation there’s awareness of the room  and the  group exercises. As someone who has been to school where you are studying the entire aspect of an art, this is something that I can do technically- warmups, biology etc. The mental Aspect of being hundred percent aware of your surroundings is not something that I have studied. I am a very inside my head kind of person and Sir calls me out on it. My mind wanders constantly, and though I try to bring it back to be in the room it waivers a lot. I feel bad but I also appreciate Sir reminding me of this bad trait, this is the main thing that I would feel that I will have to work on. 

Actually it is the reason that I have so many accidents, if you have read any of my Facebook status as you will know that I had about 3 to 4 accidents last year I have bruises all over my body. And just today I was thinking how reckless I am in my thoughts especially when I’m walking on the streets and I had a vision that I was hit by a bus. I’m thinking I must use what I learned in class in my everyday life and be less so. 

At the height of our physical limits, sir gives us a break. I assumed it was about 20 minutes as it used to be in the workshop and I ran to the washroom. Oh that bloody ShilpokolA washroom. Thanks to the state of my health I spent the whole 20 minutes in the bathroom, the entire break. I had prepared a Tiffin of boiled eggs sausages and oranges, I planned to have some tea/caffeine to wake myself up for the second half as I used to do in the workshop. But I did nothing.

The second half is when we read the script. I had prepared my backpack to perfection but of course I forgot my glasses. What happened was, that I started falling asleep. Hundred Pages of bangla  text l, everyone taking turns reading it; one would’ve thought that the hardness of it would keep me alert, or the fact that I could be next to read would keep me alert, but I fell asleep, I nodded off and in front of my 11 peers and Sir. I kept checking myself up and cursing myself and not sleeping enough, for not bringing caffeine (caffeine makes my heart palpitations go nuts so usually I don’t drink it) and for not bringing my bloody glasses that I really need to read this long text. And it was right then, during the second half of the rehearsal that my cramps came back in full bloody swing, the driver did not bring the medicines that I had asked him to do in front of the lift and I was squirming in pain. This was the point where all these thoughts crossed my mind that I would not be able to do this every day. The long hours, hard Bangla, and most of all the level of constant concentration felt really hard, especially with cramps. I tried to hold my back and massage it very discreetly so the pain would subside.I think M noticed and she asked me to come sit next to her in front of the desk where I could lean. From the second story (which shall henceforth be called M1- because its the first story in order) though I don’t know what happened, maybe it was sitting next to M, or the fact that it was something that hit me harder I was back in. I cried while the story went dark, i found the character so intriguing and hard to fathom. I even volunteered to read in my horrible Bangla reading With the risk of angering sir when I stumbled. 

i left day one feeling absolutely in a rush, all my earlier doubts out the window (as you could see in my Insta video.) before I left I asked permission to write this blog from Sir. He seemed cool, which is why I officially start the blog today’s with the day one post.

The rest of the day was spent in multiple things, I was a bit down, I got distracted. The days homework was to prepare a section of the play to present the next day and by the time I did my to dos from my normal music life, procrastinate, spent time with my mum it was really late. On my way home from mum’s I was walking to buy some chocolate and listening to a song, when I fell down. Another of my accidents, because I was unmindful, the bleeding wouldn’t stop for ages as ususally that happens. I was reminded of how just that morning I saw myself being hit by a bus and now have vowed to stop being on my phone when I am walking the streets. Reading in Bangla is really tough for me so I asked DC (friend) To read it out for me so that I could record. Halfway through the story of M1, DC stops. At first I couldn’t understand why and asked if they were tired, but then I realise DC is crying. I realise this is the first time that DC is reading it and that the first time we had heard the story in class almost all of us were in tears too earlier that day. I will elaborate later about the stories themselves. I have taken permission actually to reveal here, but it’s intense, the most intense; it is about women and rape. While I was listening to the story being read out loud for me I saw a lot more things than I did when I was trying to focus on reading Bangla text. I didn’t really prepare a part but I knew the text a lot better last night than I did when I was reading it with my own eyes. But i did not feel as emotional the second time around, i dont know why, i was dilly dallying, and tho i stopped myself from doing the blog post, i still stayed up later than the previous night and at one point it was 2 am till i push myself to shut eyes. Something I can’t explain is that I woke up at 4:30am. It was my cramps, but I was sat in the middle of the night clutching my uterus and crying, I’ve had cramps before but I’ve never felt like . This story is creeping inside me.

[atiny-piratequeen]

Also totally random but at the same time not 👀

Of ataraxia who is the most overbearing/overprotective spouse when pups/guppies/mini-creatures/spawns are on the way. I feel like all of them would be EXTRA in all caps when it comes to pregnancy.

Also, are their distinct monster pregnancies different in length in which the mate carries to term (cause bruh when I found out other mammals don’t carry their babies for nine months in their stomach I felt the world crumbling cause I was just like 🫨🫨🫨🫨 like that didn’t even fathom in my mind that it was possible)

All of this comes to mind because of the idea of daddy dragon mingi… makes me feral

Mingi is at the top, absolutely (its more the dragon thing than anything else, those eggs are harder than diamonds you could try and run them over with a truck and it would probably destroy the truck before it did shit to them but those are HIS (and your-) BABIES-), then Yunho (he'd probably set you on fire and use you as a chew toy if you tried to bring harm on his little ones or his partner), Seonghwa (siren eggs are very much not indestructible. They're not like your average egg where they'll split if the wind blows wrong, its all over, but its still not something he'd even chance if his Guppies to be were in danger), San & Hongjoong being tied after him and Yeo, Woo, and Jongho being the least bothered by it.

Wooyoung can literally tear holes in reality, he'd be able to detect malicious intent long before whoever wanted to deal it was even in the same area code as him and his. It makes completely rending someone into nothing rather easy.

For Jongho and Yeo, Incubi/Succubi spirits and Fae spirits kind of...come into being in this verse as a manifestation of their "parent's" power. So there's really less of a worry of protecting a defenseless little one like the others because Jongho’s kids wouldn't even be kids, they're just. Ready to be off on their own, fully grown, and depending on the type of Fae they are, Yeosang’s little ones would be either the same branch or they'd be stubbornly independent anyway and actually more dangerous because of them having so much unchecked power and such a bite of mischievousness to them.

That being said, for the ones who DO have little bapis no matter what, they all do have different periods of growth/coming into being, with the longest being between Mingi’s Eggs and whatever cosmic shit I decide to come into being if i choose to have Eldrich Woo actually be some kind of dad while spawning a mini world ender into being.

Maybe not, idk if yall want the added anxiety of a child who can tear the world apart while throwing one(1) temper tantrum

Also yes dragon dad mingi is very much a feral fangs and claws bared sight to behold

[stylinsoncity]

Hey! Long time reader, first time... ask sender? I read caya more than a year ago and ever since it's been a constant presence in my life, as if in I think about it at least once a day, and re-read it at random, all the time. I'm usually pretty aromantic and caya is the only work of romance fiction that I liked, ever. One of the reasons why I'm so obsessed with it is that I love the story and I love the characters, but I also don't fully understand it, it's, at this point in my life, too mature for me to fully comprehend. So it's one of these things you keep close hoping that one day you'll get it. I'm 19, so not a lot of experience in life and none in the romance department, and in that idealistic everything is black/white right/wrong phase of life, and caya, with it's complex humans and emotions and motives is kinda unreachable for me. And when presented with something like that, I'm usually just annoyed by it, but I wasn't at all with caya, I immediately just had some kind of respect for it, like, this is simply too complex for you. But anyways, onto the point of this ask. When I re-read it's usually parts after Barbados, so I kinda forgot everything that happens in the begining. I started from chapter 1 today and I was at the part where we meet Emily, and I realized I kinda forgot what she's like, and I'm paying way more attention to the bits about her now. I was wondering if you always knew she was going to die, or if you considered some alternatives. I haven't really wondered before what would've happened if she wasn't sick. I think in any other story, killing of a character like that would be in order to simplify it, but that's not the case with caya. So did you ever consider a different ending for her?

Thank you for this ask! And thank you for stating so clearly how the story makes you feel. I do think caya comes from a place within me of realizing that things aren't black/white or right/wrong. I've experienced love and friendship where that's not the case and it doesn't lessen the value or the importance of those relationships at all. It's actually still something I struggle to comprehend, though, too. Like I still do wish people could just do the right thing all the time, but that assumes that we always know what the right thing is. And I definitely don't. I wish we were never disappointed or periodically let down by people we care about. I get frustrated when this isn't the case. But then I realize that I've let people down. I've made mistakes. It's human to fail and to blunder and to misunderstand. And the only way we like move forward and grow is by extending grace to others and to ourselves. Soooo much easier said than done though. Life is fucking hard lmao... caya is so important to me because it reflects that, but ends on a happy note, which is all we can hope for.

I wish there was a way to save Emily just because it's an awful way for anyone to die. She had so much life left to live and it would've been nice for her to fall in love with someone who could actually fall in love with her. But from the beginning, I always knew her illness would be terminal. I don't think a divorce would be enough to set Louis free of her, unfortunately. I think hitting rock bottom and being completely alone and having to resuscitate himself is what leads Louis to self-actualization. In the absence of love (which I equate with grief), he knows what he needs to fully heal is Harry's love. Nothing else will do.

I don't think he would have hit rock bottom in the same way if Emily lived. And I don't think if she were to go on living, they would have the honest conversation they do in her hospital room in chp 20. I don't know. I can't picture it, but maybe there's a universe where Emily lives and Louis sees the light by some other means. I have to say, a part of me always regrets killing characters solely because it's sad, even when I think it's necessary for the story. Like I wish she didn't die, but then there'd be no story. Or there'd be a different story that doesn't hit the same way!