#im having so much trouble waking up and we tried having her keep me accountable by coming in and knocking on the door and shit at a certain

[what-even-is-sleep]

AARARRRRRRRHRHGHGHGHSDFGHASDKHFAS;JKGHASJDHFKASK;HJF;KAHSFH;LAL;HAE;LEJAAJE. ARRRRGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHGHHSDKPAGSSADAS. ASIIIJJASJJDJDS ASD SDFASDIFASOOOOOOAE FWE EW FE AFE EFG A DJJJJJJJJJJJDVJDFVJDVIASDIFSIEEJJNNCSDFASDFSDSDF

[caramelcal]

The Truth Hurts...{part nine}

Every time your soulmate lies, a mark presents itself on your body. In a world like this, people normally told the truth so that their soulmate didn’t have to deal with the consequences. But your soulmate? They seemed persistent to make your life hell, and mark your body until there was no skin left.

Word Count: 1.8k

a/n: i just finished this but im not gonna keep you guys waiting...i aint saying no more...

Taglist:  (comment if you want to be added, or you can message me) @itsjustmeiguessallrightthen​ @moonbeams-stuff  @cece-lives-here​ @aprilfire18​ @adrianaprox​ @slytherinrising​ @deadric

Warnings: Mentions of death, blood, betrayal, and swearing. 

disclaimer: i do not condone plagiarism on my work at all, this has not been posted on any other platforms, or on tumblr anywhere else but my account (rosemoonmist) if you see anyone plagiarizing mine (or anyone else’s account) please inform the rightful author ! thank you lovelies x

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Corey was dead and now that you stood in the Sinema, seeing the needle go in and Hayden’s eyes fill with mercury, you couldn’t help the shout that came out of your mouth. The Dread Doctors hadn’t been seen in five days, no new chimeras and no deaths but every sense of security that you had felt in Beacon Hills over the past few days was hopelessly ripped away from you at that moment. Not caring about the foe there, you ran towards Hayden who fell to the floor.

Hayden was holding her neck when you and Liam had rushed over to her, her eyes no longer filled with mercury.

“Her eyes,” You spoke, your voice wavering as Scott and Theo came running in, body drowning in worry for the younger girl as you spoke, “they filled with mercury. I saw it, a-and now she looks fine but her eyes-”

“It’s okay, she looks fine, maybe she’ll heal,” Theo replied reassuringly, making you turn towards him. He immediately picked up on your worry, pulling you closer to his side whilst you looked up at him.

“None of the others did, Theo. I can’t deal with another body,” You whispered back, peering up at his blue eyes, making him form a small frown. He knew what you had been through, he knew the pain and suffrage between dead bodies and new threats. He hadn’t seen the pain these troubles inflicted upon you when you first met, but now it was clear as day. The more he got to know you, the more he seen what a toll the bodies took on you, the way the supernatural secret depleted your mental health.

Maybe he should’ve stopped. Seeing the broken look in your eyes, the way your eyes were silently begging him to stop without your knowledge, the way that he felt a small bubbling feeling of guilt as he looked down at you, his soulmate. To be with you he knew he had to stop. But he didn’t.

. . .

“Lydia?” You called out in confusion, your phone up to your ear as you answered the unsuspected phone call.

All you were met with was silence. An impending doom seemed to filter over your head, you knew that the Dread Doctors were attacking, that’s why you found yourself at the school. Yet, it was stupid to be alone but you knew that. Everyone was all over the place and you had hardly heard from anyone all night, which certainly didn’t do anything to calm your nerves.

You just hoped that Lydia would answer, give you some sort of useful information, or just at least let you know that she was alright. That she was safe and well. Alas, you didn’t get that, and instead, you made yet another attempt to get the girl to talk.

“Lydia is everything alright?” You called out, voice loud as you tried to get some sort of reply from your caller, “Lydia?”

No voice came from the other side and nerves and worry etched at your stomach. What if something was wrong? What if Lydia was hurt, or the Dread Doctors had taken her? Yet, your mind didn’t stay on her long as a large and pained howl sounded throughout the air.

The howl was one you had heard before, pain etched through the noise in a way only you could unpick. Eyes wide, you whispered in horror, “Scott.”

. . .

Seeing your unofficial boyfriend’s nails embedded deep into your best friend’s chest caused a scream to come out of you that was unlike anything that they had ever heard. Lydia’s screams, no matter how daunting and loud they were, would never match the utter pain and betrayal in yours. Your legs felt weak, you felt sick and your eyes filled with tears as Theo got up, chest heaving in power.

Before you even had time to be rational, you ran and you punched him in the face. Your other fist came up to strike him again as he caught both of your hands, and you chose to flail your leg out to kick him, one without much power that done zero damage; a lot less than you hoped to cause. You wanted to make Theo feel pain, to equal his physical pain to the emotional pain he had caused you, and for the killing of your best friend.

His eyes still glowed yellow, and your breath caught in your throat as you stared at him, his claws which were covered in your best friend’s blood gripping tightly onto your wrists with no plans to let go. You were elevated above the ground, and legs flailed with the best attempt to escape but it was futile. Eyes staying focused on him you spoke, tears building up thickly, “You bastard.”

“I’m sorry this is how it had to be, y/n,” Theo replies coolly, with no guilt in his voice. He didn’t care, he had consciously killed Scott for no reason and you would never forgive him for this. Ever.

“It never had to be like this, nothing ever justifies this,” You spat back, tears clouding your vision and blocking your throat whilst you stared down at the corpse of one of your best friends.

“You’ll understand, y/n/n, you’ll understand one day,” Theo said before dropping his grip on you, going to walk away from you and out of the library, completely unbothered by the destruction he had caused.

“That’s my best friend, you dickhead!” You ran up behind him, shouting at the top of your lungs making him stop in his tracks, “You, you were supposed to be our friend, I’ve known you since we were kids...How could you do this?”

Theo looked over his shoulder at you before slowly turning around looking down at you with a dangerous look in his eyes. He stalked towards you, his stance wide, almost intimidating, “He was your best friend. Not anymore. There was no room for him in my pack.”

You maintained eye contact with him, e/c eyes trying to look into the blue eyes despite the darkness in the room. It was several moments before you spoke again, your voice bitter as you asked, “Your pack?”

“Yes, y/n, my pack,” Theo replied with a slight nod of his head, walking even closer to you until your bodies were leaning against one another; barely leaving any room for breathing as you stared up at him. He peered down at you, before flashing his eyes at you, his voice stony like he was trying to enforce power, “I’m your alpha now.”

He ducked his head down so that it was closer to yours, his eyes no longer glowing whilst you guys stood in silence. The tension was thick as you looked back up at Theo, feeling his breath fan across your face, almost as if he was going to kiss you. Then, he started to lean in, your lips slowly reaching each other before his face was flung to the side.

You took a step back, your hand still held up after the action you had just indulged in as you stared at Theo with wide eyes, for a human you surely put a lot of force into that slap.

“Let’s get one thing clear, Theodore. You are and will never be my alpha.”

His hand hesitated but he lifted it to his face, touching the area that was already starting to mark red of where you slapped, before an annoyed smirk made its way onto his face, making him laugh. The laugh was chilling but you didn’t care at that moment, you would not back down no matter what. Not after what he did to Scott. Theo could kill you right here, right now, if it meant that you didn’t have to join his pack.

He looked back at you, his face now annoyed as he pointed at you. You weren’t sure if he was annoyed that you slapped him, or if you had slapped him and in the process rejected his kiss, but that didn’t matter either. He bared his teeth slightly as he talked, taking one step forward but still maintaining a distance between the two of you, “You act like this right now, Princess, but in the end, you’ll be by my side.”

“In your fucking dreams, Raeken,” You spat out, anger filling every atom of your being. You had been expecting Theo to argue again with you, but he just smirked and walked out without another word, leaving you to drown in the betrayal and grief he had left behind.

The silence that filled the room was deafening, and a sick feeling rose to your throat as you turned around, now facing the steps. Taking steady steps forward, trying to support yourself before you fell to the ground from weak legs, you reached him, bending down and taking one of his hands in yours.

“Scott?” You said, shaking his body as tears came to your eyes. Your heart sunk when you didn’t get a response from the boy, and you shook him again, but with this time you shook him wildly, trying to scare him out of whatever haze he was in, “Scott!”

“Please Scott you gotta answer, wake up, please,”

Cradling your best friend’s body was not something that you ever wanted to do. Your arms were wrapped around Scott’s body, your head against his as you let out the tears, and despite the sobbing now over with, the tears never stopped. You were all alone, the warmth from Scott’s chest gone and leaving behind only a coldness that could never be filled by anyone else.

Ten minutes. That’s how long that you were cradling Scott’s body before Melissa showed up, and when you saw her, you couldn’t even speak. Your throat closed up as she saw the boy in your arms, eyes sheathed with tears that would be let out until the late hours of the night, heart too heavy to support itself.

She ran over, positioning him on the ground and pushing her hands onto his chest in rapid and quick motions. Opening your mouth to talk, you hesitated as you watched the mother try to grab some tiny piece of life out of her son, to pull it back out so he could hug her one last time, and your eyes got even glassier, “What are you doing?”

“Trying to bring my son back.”

“His heart stopped beating fifteen minutes ago. You can’t bring back someone who’s already dead.” You shook your head, eyes falling to your lap which was covered in your best friend’s blood.

“He isn’t dead. He’s my son. He’s an alpha!”

But was he really?

[rockinmyownboat]

I've become way too smart for the good of my penis.

I used to be like a blood hound on a tampon with toxic women. I could track her for miles if I could just get a quick whiff of that Ed Hardy perfume.

I miss feeling invincible. But no matter hard I tried to deny it I was not gonna be superman with a doomsday level sex drive forever. Reality is a bitch, okay? When she gets her canines in, She bites hard.

Most of the time, we don't like it.

I was gonna catch something from someone. Theres good ol' 'rona. Or herpes. Or the twig and berries could swell up like fucked up balloon animals and explode for all I know.... im no expert on health risks. That's the CDC's job. There's scarier shit than herpes waiting to take down a fine distinguished penis that's kept its head held high.

the pleasure scales are getting dumped in the risk assessment.

Have you seen post-30 dating Options these days? It's as high risk as shopping for healthcare. You're either over-reaching for privatized care that will fuck you out of your life savings. Or you're scraping the bottom of the barrel for the most common resources that mostly involve webcam appointments

Believe me. My member hates me for my intuition. I'm shocked he hasn't rallied my testicles by now. Any day, I expect to wake up to a sign sticking out of my boxer briefs saying "Ball Lives Matter."

my dog goes crazy when he sees a squirrel. This equipment here (gestures downward) is exactly the same way. It understands the concept of "GO!"(points) green light! That's it. No red light. It works exactly the way God intended it.

He hasn't liked it much since I canceled his Twitter account. He cries in the middle of the night sometimes. There's only so much cottling i can do before it feels like im playing with him though. It never helps. The attempts to choke out his sorrow just make him cry more.

The truth is, it was too easy for me. It was! I know that sounds totally douchey of me to say. But I figure at this point, in for Penny, in for the pound, right?

Ironic. Pounding Penny was what got me in trouble to begin with.

A toxic Electra complex wants two things: an attention source to validate like her dad never did. And someone to show that attention in a creative unique way.

In other words, by becoming her source of attention and owning a guitar, I have just opened the floodgates to her uterus.

It's that easy.

If you can succesfully Bust out a banging rendition of Wonderwall at the perfect time of night, you will get laid.

Thats because almost every woman alive has some version of a Rockstar fantasy. If you don't believe me, think about this: Why is Luke Bryan so popular when he looks like he should have a sidekick named Beavis trailing him everywhere?

Exactly.

Have you ever been hatefucked by a perfect 10 trying to get Oasis out of her head?

She "hates that you played it so well." And now every time she hears it, she won't be able to get YOU out of her head. Either way you win this round.

But it's only half the battle...

You gotta be a lot more interesting than a 90s acoustic cover to keep her hanging on. Oh she'll be great for a while. But get comfortable with Mr. Bryan, Taylor Swift and The Spice Girls joining you on your roadtrips. If you don't wannabe sticking a drill bit thru each ear drum after 15 minutes of Swift whining, you're a stronger man than me.

More importantly, if you can remember her ACTUAL NAME isn't "Girl" after listening to Luke Bryan (huh huh), you're a sharper tool than me

Word to the wise: any perfect 10 that YOU can get out of their panties with a guitar will drop 'em just as easily for the next semi-talented guy that shows up with a wink and a smile. She's got YOUR wink on lockdown and your smile in holding.... You think she can't get them from a hotter guy easier than she got it from you?

Girls with options have no problem reminding you that they have options. And they're looking. Constantly. That "old friend" she told you about that shes excited about on Facebook who was "like my brother in high school!!!"

If she's not sniffing his goods yet, she's making meticulous mental notes of his every move in her feed. It's only a matter of time before she's assessing income disparities between you. If you're not enough to keep her attention when he slides into her DMs, Then her "high school bro" becomes the squirrel she's gonna leave your dumbass for.

We all cringe at the thought, right? But here's the hardest fact about a shallow trophy relationship:

you don't give a fuck as long as she... fucks.... you.

Even if all you do is fight and fuck... or talk about weather.. and fuck....or go out to eat... and fuck.... or go to church...... and fuck ( yeah ... God saw you!) .... or get drunk... and fuck....or watch Netflix... and fuck... there is no chill.

It's still just a big ball of FUCK.

Most guys have done this with at least one woman in their lives.

the feel good chemicals that come from using your dick have blinded you from day one. Every flaw in this papier mache masterpiece you've spunked out is staring you in the eye. Cognitive dissonance has you walking around with the same blank expression as a eunuch Ken doll

(Stares blankly waving)

And here's the most insidious part about your miniature commander in chief (gestures downward) He has successfully fooled you into thinking your brain is in control.

But it's not.

The south has already been in contact with the capitol (taps temple). Every endorphin is a Facebook message from your member that has completely erased all logic and good sense from your brain.

The insurrection has begun. your brain is neutered from any right way of thinking. It's pure pandemonium when a dick takes over. We have already seen it for 4 years on a national scale...

At this point, just lop this off, gift wrap it in ice and surrender it over. You've lost your freedom along with your mind. There's only one reason you're staying. To grab her by the pussy. Duh.

once the dick gets in your head, you will justify any sin she commits like a southern Baptist defending a reality TV star.

It fucks you up. And you'll go back to grab that pussy after it leaves Because you really ARE that brainwashed and neutered.

I know hard it is to let go...

Look, I know my rhetoric is giving away my feelings about a certain former president. Thank my ex, okay? She showed me what he was because they had so much in common. Narcissistics tell on themselves pretty quickly when you know the patterns.

1. they were both crazy blonde lunatics with a wild propensity for Tan In a can and a jersey Shore mentality.

2. they both insist on living under comical levels of delusion in regards to their own intelligence.

3. they each had to have a makeup crew on standby 24-7. God forbid, one hair extension was out of place.

4. they are both unnaturally obsessive and inappropriately creepy in regards to their children of the opposite sex. I'm not lying when I say I won't be shocked if her son becomes Norman Osborne.

5. they're both characterized by an unhealthy obsession with social media that could start a worldwide nuclear meltdown at any point.

6. They both share disdain for ideas that they didn't come up with themselves and the same propensity for stealing ideas that didn't belong to them.

7. An inability to distinguish reality from fantasy due to a background steeped in affluence and unchecked mental instability.

Their biggest similarity was every day with her as my commander in queef was just another day spent with a lyin, cheatin blowhard with no sense of goodness or boundaries.

A key difference was her blowing method. I preferred hers to his.

I did things I never thought were possible With her.

This woman would spend 4.5 hours a day.

That's 31.5 hours a week.

Over the entire 16 week course of our relationship.

I spent 504 goddamn hours .....

watching her do her makeup. So we could do whatever shit we had planned for the day.

That's where she dumped all her time and money. Into looking good. Oh and believe me... she DID... she would always say, "I JUST wanna look good for you! Nope! Just for you! Don't care about nobody else. I just wanna look good for you!"

Baby, the thousand likes on the four dozen selfies you posted to Instagram while doing your "make-up tutorial" give a better perspective on who's gaining the benefits from you looking like a Stollywood harlot.

Remember the Facebook "high school bro...? She was in his feed too....

then unbeknownst to me, he was on my couch....

once it became "knownst" to me, he was on my kill list....

until I realized he helped remove a whore shaped tumor from my manhood.

Now he gets to put his empty pop-tart into the toaster every morning hoping it's only his mouth that's touched it in the last 24 hours.

I spent 504 hours watching Ronald McDreamy fuck half the cast on Grey's Anatomy while waiting for my boss, The Antichrist, to paint her face on in order to be "public-ready" every day. I never right that would be possible in a million fuckin years.

She amazed me.

I used to tell her all the time, "baby you amaze me. No really! You do! You're amazing!"

You know why she amazed me?

Every day, I could feel her sucking me dry so I knew exactly what she was .....

And 504 hours proved that vampires can see their reflections BEFORE their makeup dries and hardens

Now why did I stay?

SHE WAS FUCKING HOT!!!!!!

Congress left the building (tapping my head) and headed south for the winter (pointing at crotch). They pushed legislation to block the central nervous system. There was no analysis of the data about how shallow and self serving this woman was. Instead the narrative matched only what the penis wanted.

Being with her was like being cock to a hen that clucks for hours but says nothing. She turned every joy into a weapon slowly draining me of my will to live....

But goddamn you shoulda seen her ass in a miniskirt!

#worthit

Lately I've been more "casually" ... dating... and by that I mean swiping. It seems like that's all "dating" is anymore. It took me a while to get back out there. Dating Aps had me dropping my standards lower than Bernie Sanders fans on inauguration day.

Even Little Man was like, "really dude? Okay... well, low hanging fruits are still good enough for a creampie... let's dive in!"

You know that these girls were adorable as kids; as adults they look like they should have been thrown out with yesterday's produce. They're still appearing on the shelf under the misters to make the fresher fruits look more plentiful.

Regardless they got me back on the horse. Truthfully, the horse was probably riding me more...

Either way, I wouldn't call it my finest 15 minutes.

When you get your heart broken, you need a few dead horse faces in your bed just to make the pretty ones worth your time and self respect again.

Face the horse but don't look her in the mouth, know what I'm saying? That mouth was doin some dirty things to you.

You'll be wakin up the next morning agape in horror at the mass of flesh laying in bed next to you that looked so great through your lonely horny beer goggles. When you're sober, the features start to take on some more equestrian embellishments with a somber trumpet playing in your head.

I'm pretty sure that's where Coppola got the inspiration for the Godfather scene. He just literalized the metaphor.

DATING Aps!!!! These fickle algorithmic technological terrors are designed with two purposes, neither of which is ACTUALLY related to ending loneliness.

1. to simultaneously destroy our self esteem

2. suck our time away with the Black hole of hope!

I feel like the modern dating pool has as much urine as it does bullshit. There's too many immature babies pissing in the pool, ruining it for the rest of us.

There's the HEAT-ACTIVATED ELECTRIC high lighter hair that practically gives away the Freudian manhaters who just want a dick between their legs for the sensation, Not the relationship.

When BRIGHT NEON colors appear naturally on animals in nature, it is as a WARNING to STAY THE FUCK AWAY!!!!!

Message received.

Have you ever had the Kool-aid woman bust open your DMs with "YOU LOOK REAAAAL GOOOD BOY DONTCHA BOY???....... OH YEAAAAHHHH!!!!!!" ? I'm like, "look ... you already got five kids from three dads ( you can tell when they're all different skin shades ). It's time to hang out the bathers and free Willy out the fuckin pool! You had your shot, Kool-aid woman! Use your beverage skills to make drinks for your five kids.. you still got that Goin for you, right?! Oh yeeeeeaaahhh!"

There's the completely self-obsessed girls that are only looking for social network follows and text buddies more than a relationship. You know, the girls who wanna "vet" you on Facebook. Then she, she assumes she knows everything about you from your "about me."

Then you got the trannys... which ....let me be clear. I have no hate in my heart for the alphabet mafia, even if they reserve the right to hate everyone equally. EVERYONE has the explicit RIGHT to be loved. Yes, even Kool-aid Aid mama with her five mongrels...... I'm just .... NOT ...gonna be THE GUY THAT'S GONNA DO IT, okay? I already have one. I don't need another. I also have no need to date a girl that knows more about my tool than I do, cause she had one of her own the first 20 years of her life.

And Then there's the weird ones ... that you just gotta see to believe. I mean, This is what I'm talking about:

I wouldn't be caught dead in her orbit with a fried navigation relay.

The next girl was cute. Less X-files-alien, more girl next door. I Clicked on her profile and scrolled down. She's an artist. That's pretty cool. Now I didn't catch her face cause it's not important in this context. What interested me was her profile.

I watched the Hannibal TV show. It was fantastic. In one episode (spoiler alert) the FBI is tracking a killer who uses mycology ....mushrooms ... as a weapon. This was totally fascinating. The killer would go find victims who were diabetic. Then he'd send them into a diabetic coma by ODing them on insulin. After that he'd bury them in shallow Graves where, as they decomposed, the high sugar content in their blood mixed with the soil ... the result would sprout mushrooms all over.

Aint no way in hell I wanna end up as some chick's mushrooms garden. That would be a terrible end to a really dynamic life I've tried to live so far.

Okay, okay ... she's probably not a serial killer. She wants to present herself as smart and intellectual. And I really love that she's TRYING to be honest with her interests but doesn't wanna come across like she still spends a little TOO MUCH TIME under mycologys direct influences.

I also really love that she references an inherent belief that we're all doomed no matter what and that life sucks and its all meaningless... in her fucking headline🤣. I get it.. I mean we are humans. We suck. We have fucked up our planet. Weve fucked up each other and in our tenacity hubris, and desperation to get away from the shit we've Done as a species, we're trying to go to fucking MARS AND do it all over again!

Planets are like Pringles, after all. You can't have just one. Once it pops, the fun don't stop. Til OURS does 😏

This girls gonna have me cutting my wrists and bleeding out my woes over leather-bound volumes of Nietzsche isn't she?

Holy shit I discovered someone more depressed than I am. In and of itself that seems like a miracle.

Ahhh hell , maybe she's just a raging naturalist that's gonna have me fucking trees while we listen to Flintstones and Jetsons and she uses my asshole as a vase. It's better than a space probe.

She got a "like." you know, JUST for the Elle of it. 😏

#mythoughts

#mylovelife

#datingsites

#comedy

#memoirs

#balllivesmatter

[theforce]

presumptive horrible rotten case of corona: symptoms

presumptive bc i couldnt get a god damn test i live in new york and while there are testing sites all over the state and our state govt is doing what they can now, i don’t want to be the person taking away a test from someone else especially now that i am mostly better, most of this went down at the beginning of the month and i’m still dealing with the effects of it. 

there was a lot of confusion here even as recent as 2 weeks and we are the state that’s testing more than the rest of the entire country so here is my account of what went down w me, and honestly, what might go down with you or someone you know as soon as this reaches your state

1) i threw up all night long, thought it was a stomach virus, had a lot of stomach issues for like 24 hours, very strange i haven’t had a stomach virus in YEARS since i was a literal child, anyways right before i started puking up my life i developed this weird cough, it felt like it was from my throat, like i was trying to clear it? but it was often and annoying 

2) after my 24 hours of hell i felt feverish and exhausted but i chalked it up to being on the floor of the bathroom all night, exerting my esophagus and body to throw up the devil himself, i tried to sleep it off, i woke up a few hours later in a fog, i was shivering but i was also burning up, i couldn’t tell left from right, up from down, my fever was 100.3, at this point i had my mom call my doctor and make an appointment, she made it for me w the receptionist, everything was fine until 20 minutes later i got a call back from my actual doctor not the receptionist who was like, oh no not you’re not coming here with those symptoms baby and i was like ?? ok cool thanks, she said to keep watching my symptoms, slam some tylenol and if i felt shortness of breath to call or text her personal cell phone and she would get me set up at the nearest hospital i said ok sounds fucked up i mean i didn’t say that bc i was too fucked up to even speak, she also gave my mom instructions to keep me in my room, to not go near me, to give me a designated bathroom, to have food and water delivered to my door, my mom was like u dont gotta tell me twice (she has lupus) during this time my cough become dry and horrible, i could feel my lungs rattle, i would cough so hard and for so long i’d wake from my feverish coma to kneel over my bed and just let loose on the world, it felt like i was drowning, i couldn’t get enough air everything hurt, everything was sore 

3) things continued on like this for 5 straight days, i was literally in and out of consciousness, my fever got up to 102 and my mom said that if it raised at all from there we were going to the fuckin hospital and i was like listen la rona i know u wanna take me out but i havent even ever eaten a krispy kreme donut, please let me survive this i can’t leave this way, in that moment i literally had a fever dream of god herself, i said take this from me and i’ll stop being such a cunt in life. i started slamming hot toddy’s, i’d drink as much water as possible in between the time i wasnt literally trying to expel my lungs by way of my mouth

4) woke up from that whole ordeal drenched in SWEAT from my feet to my head i was soaked, it was gross, at that point i still had a sense of smell so let me tell you my last and final symptom should have kicked in a bit earlier but i checked my temp and it was normal! i didn’t feel like my head was going to explode! but i had new things going on i had a new stuffy/runny nose, my cough was producing some liquid which i proceeded to throw up into a mcdonalds cup i took a shower, i brushed my teeth, i felt like a brand new woman, i had cold like symptoms but i can live with cold like symptoms, i had an appetite for the first time in a week, felt like i could eat my whole family out of house and home given the opportunity, i’d lost 20 pounds in less than 2 weeks and ya girl was honestly, looking good but THAT’S A BAD WAY OF THINKING disregard please thank you, at this point i went into my doctor with a full on mask, gloves, hair pulled back, she gave me every test you can think of, most importantly a flu test which is all she could do since getting a test was impossible at this pint, which of course came back negative 

5) things continued like this for weeks, up until right now actually, exhaustion was gone, fever gone, cough still here and there but not like how it was, i’ve put on makeup in my room, i’ve watched every season of law and order svu, i’ve gone on drives in my car just to drive, i’ve tried to keep myself as busy as possible, 3 days ago the strangest, most inexplicable and hopefully last symptom arrived, a complete loss of smell and bc of that taste, i’ve tried smelling candles, essential oils, laundry detergent, canned meat, my brother lit a match with my back turned and asked me what the smell was, i ate extra hot cheetos, raw onions, shot of vinegar, there’s nothing there, i just hope it comes back 

during this time i haven’t been even close to my mother, who has lupus or my sister, who has asthma, i stayed in my room, i’m still in my room actually 14 full days out from the last time i left the house, one month since this whole thing started, i eat in my room, i use a different bathroom than my whole family, everyone talks to me from my door frame besides my little brother who also was sick but recovered super fast, he bleaches the bathroom after i use it, he puts all my food on single use plates, he brings me jugs of water and reminds me of what it’s like to at least talk to another person. 

on a more serious note, i haven’t touched another person in 20 days nobody has even been within 6 feet of me besides my doctor who was administering the only tests she could administer, fully decked out in a hazmat suit, she was scared for me, i could tell, she was trying to put on a brave face and downplay the severity of my symptoms but thank god for her, she’s checked up on me, she’s tried everything, she’s put in calls, she’s made herself as available as possible even though she’s probably going through the same thing with countless other patients, i worry for her, i’ve worried for my family, i’ve stressed beyond the point of no return which has for sure slowed my recovery and i was one of the lucky ones! all of this and my case was considered mild because i never really had trouble breathing beyond being choked by my own coughing. 

people have been there for me during all of this, in ways that are further reaching than touch, i have been very vocal about not liking when people touch me but i do look forward to the day i can hug my mom, where i can tell my friend to take a sip of my drink to see if she likes it, to have someone pat me on the shoulder and tell me to keep my head up or whatever 

hopefully im on the other side of this, my more at risk family members are about to be 14 days from the last time any of them were near me or my brother, they’re at the end of a long tunnel and i’m just so happy that maybe soon we’ll all see the light 

take care of yourselves

[one-of-us-must-be-crazy]

the prequel you almost got

With Stage One I wrote a mini-long-fic just to explain the groundwork of their relationship for Lucky Star by just making the events of the canon story take place over a longer amount of time but there was a scrapped idea that I had:

When the two meet in game, it’s not the first time they’ve been introduced.

It’s the seventh.

She was given a company android to run maintenance on as part of her interview process with WY, and there’s something off about him. He’s friendly. He asks her what she’s doing and why, and how she ended up working for WY and you know what? He has just little enough of a perosnality that she lets it all out. Her mother, her shit father, her lack of funds, her hating herself for crawling back to the company that acted like it owned her when really it just owed her.

“They aren’t the best people to be property of,” he says with a half smile.

“Are there any good ones?”

“If you ever need anything, feel free to put it in as a request with me.”

“You would do that? Don’t they have like...teams of you?”

“Well--you don’t have to ask for me specifically, but--a lot of humans have favorite synthetics to work with, it helps ease the uncanny valley if they’re dealing with the same person, for lack of a better word, every time they’re in.”

“I might do that then,”

They meet once about her case, and he makes the mistake of telling his human superior that he’s upset by it.

That he’s feeling about it.

Feeling.

The next time Amanda comes back, a bit more hopeful than she’s been for a while, he doesn’t even remember her, just a few details about her case. 

“It’s nice to finally meet you in person.”

Ripley doesn’t tell him what happened, or the next two times it happens.

After the third time it happens, three times she’s watched his eyes light up with something that could even be affection alongside human care, she suggests they discuss the case in a more casual setting. WY hears “public setting where she’s less likely to make a scene” and approves the request.

And her next four requests. Cafes, a couple diners, the restuarant over looking the tourist docks.....A bar where the music is so loud the next couple over can’t hear them.

“You seem so real,” he tells her, taking the cap off her beer with one hand, a trick show of strength that makes her grin.

“Because I am?” she clicks her bottle to his when he passes it to her.

“No...it’s like you’re in my coding--I’m sorry, it’s... Almost like you’re my operator or you wrote my programming. I don’t think I have a better metaphor for it. I feel like I know you, more than I actually do.”

“You get more human every time we meet.” she smiles.

“What does that mean?”

It’s that fourth time that they’ve met, the longest it’s lasted that she actually tells him, but not for any real reason other than the fact that it’s never gotten this far and whatever ‘it’ is isn’t something she wants to chance at not getting back.

On one hand he doesn’t want to believe her, on the other, well...he’s seen it happen to his peers, seen their vacant eyes and confused faces when he tries to remind them of their brief and lifeless small talk. He’s so much more lifelike than the others and he finally admits that to himself, and Ripley--Amanda--has put forth this effort so many times. She even has screen shots of emails that WY has long since hidden. Conversations that they’ve had, all terse and businesslike but speaking of a familiarity below the ‘with all due respect.’

Christopher Samuels leans over to her, pauses; if the proximity bothered her she had room to lean back, and he continues on and instead of talking at her ear so she could hear him over the guitar from the live band, he kisses her on the mouth, and when she doesn’t pull away from him, he puts his hand on the side of her face, and the other around her back, holding her close to him until she holds him back. They’re just another couple making out to the music.

Ten hours later, he kisses her on the hand before getting out of her bed, finds his clothes, and finds his way around her kitchenette enough to find something food-related. Humans eat first thing in the morning right? 

“That was....a lot.” Amanda says before anything else when she slumps across the room to collapse into a chair.

“At some point last night you said I should stay.”

“I know I did,” 

“I meant you said I should stay...for good. Because if they find out why I was away last night I’m facing much worse than a reformatting.”

“They’ll figure out where you are.”

“I can wander. Hide sometimes if needed.”

“Okay. Alright. You don’t have to stay with me, I know a few guys that could help with getting you IDs, and--”

“Thank you... For now though, I think you should have something to eat, I don’t remember you having anything last night.”

“You’re good.” she smiles, crosses the tiny apartment room to hug him tightly, “And you’re welcome to turn that into a two night stand if you want.”

“I might have to do that.”

It’s two weeks of wearing civilian clothing with Amanda Ripley, two weeks of seeing her in settings other than professional, seeing her relaxed, seeing her happy. Two weeks of nights spent testing the limits of his protocols, and stroking her hair as she falls asleep, her arms tight around him.

A jacket he bought for himself with money he might have stolen/withdrawn from a company account is now draped around her shoulders on a walk home, arms linked, when some idiots think he’s a synthetic and call her out on it.

“Does she look artificial to you boys?” he says, accent morphed into that of an actor from the old movie they just saw.

“I meant you, asshole.”

“Fuck off,” Amanda interjects before a fight gets started. It’s not the first time someone’s recognized him. Glasses, sun glasses, the leather jacket, skipping a few days of shaving, none of it has made him look different enough. He knows they’re going to get caught, and he knows she’ll be in trouble when they do.

If he turns himself in though, the humiliation that she’ll face knowing that some sick creeps at WY now know what every part of her body and heart look like? Not worth it. 

“Amanda?” he wakes her late that night,

“Yeah?”

“I’m going out for a walk. Feeling a little overheated.”

“mmm sorry about that.”

“Don’t be,” he kisses her softly, then pulls her up to sitting next to him 

“What?”

“Just saying goodbye,” he kisses her tenderly, holds her close.

“Are you okay?”

“I am, I promise.” she doesn’t seem satisfied with his answer “If I ever forget again--if something ever happens... Please tell me again?”

“Of course.”

“No matter how much I do or don’t believe you, how many times it happens, keep reminding me?”

“You’re freaking me out, Chris...”

“Amanda?”

“Okay, fine, I promise.”

“Thank you. Because I don’t know if I can or not, but I do feel compelled to say I love you.”

“It’s okay, I don’t know if I love you or not either, but I feel ‘compelled’ to say it back to you.” she kisses him again, afraid she knows what he’s about to do.

“I’ll be right back,” 

“Wait,”

“Yes?”

“You’re getting more human. I don’t think you’ve lied to me yet.”

“I’m not--”

“I love you. Be careful.”

“I will.”

He does a base reformat to himself, and then goes back to the offices. 

Ripley doesn’t sleep for the week, and nearly has a heart attack when WY rings her to come back.

“Is the synthetic I usually work with back yet?”

“No.”

“I want to talk to that one.”

They show her a fake, she catches it after a few minutes, and tells the supervisor that there must be a mistake, and she’s then shown another one.

It’s him, she’s sure of it, but she’s not going to tell him either, not yet. Maybe not ever. Still, whatever is there shows up again and again, and finally she’s done. She’s ready to move on, to hope that he gets away some day, but maybe it’ll be easier since she’s the reason they always seem to catch him on the verge of self awareness, when he shows up to her work with a golden ticket. 

also I realized today that there’s now room for a joke about “what do u mean you knew I give off electric shocks when im....” “Becuase we’ve done this like twelve  times before.” “wait what.”

a;sdlkfjadsfkj just that whole idea of it doesn’t matter how/when/why they’re gonna keep finding each other and he’s going to be increasingly head over heels every time 

[sanguinesprout]

Therapy/Counselling Diary #5 (and some general bits of feels)

Last week I got the flu and was a total zombie so I had to cancel the therapy appointment. I’m about 80% better now, just the typical cold type symptoms to get rid of cough cough snot snot wheeze wretch eye water ugh. I phoned about 30 mins before the app time ‘cause I was really intending to go but that day was the peak of my ills (and I accidentally slept in after waking up the first time thinking my app was 1 hour later than the actual time and had a small panic too  lol). I was overthinking about what I would say to them on the phone but they didn’t ask anything other than if I’d be in for the next appointment after I told them I didn’t feel well enough to go in for this one.

When I went to this week’s app, the therapist was waiting for me at the reception desk (I was about 5 mins late, but I’ve been late to things so often in my life it kinda just felt like eh lol). She was kind and asked if I was feeling better and stuff like that and said she was thankful that I phoned in and that it didn’t matter it was last minute. (If you miss an app without phoning in you could lose all your future apps .__.)

We went over some stuff about self esteem and again about thinking ahead/assuming the worst. She asked me if I’d filled out the sheets from the last appointment and I was like ‘huh?’ because I wasn’t given any and had like a mini internal panic then too. Maybe she got me mixed up with someone else, either way it felt kind of unnerving and reminded me of the times I didn’t manage to complete some of the homework at school and got in trouble. Feels bad man ;;

So she got the sheets out, some of those scoring sheets about self esteem and I did them there. I kinda feel like whenever I do those types of multiple choice/grading things I’m never sure of what to pick. I definitely have very very low self esteem and on the scores it showed for most but was on the line for some, but I feel like I kind of lied maybe? Or like I just threw down the choice with too much uncertainty.

I sort of teeter in between the two sides of the choices in everything like this and even get worried that what I’ll pick is wrong or will sound bad. It feels so awfuls, sometimes I feel I don’t know myself very well at all... Or is it my chronic indecisiveness or worry of judgement taking over? It’s probably a big ol’ mix of everything >< I have a scoring sheet for depression and anxiety (doesn’t actually say it on it, but I recognise the questions) which I do every week and give to her in but I just get so unsure and quickly wing it just to get it out of the way. I wonder how it charts up, if there is actually any improvement or if it’s just all random... Ah, oh dear ^^” I’m being much too negative..! These things are only super general indicators and I needn’t worry about them too much!

Um, anyways after that we went over the diagram from last time again with the vicious cycle of negative thoughts and behaviours and added some more examples to it and discussed it some more. I am writing this the day after the app and my mind is already blanking ahhh my mind blanks all the time during the actual app too, it’s like I’m half awake xAx Maybe I need a break... (not that I haven’t procrastinated and looked at random other things already at least 5 times since beginning this post lol)

Okay, after ogling my phone, eating and spilling water on myself when trying to drink it and then ogling my phone some more, I think I’m ready to resume writing my extremely slow and bleh account ^v^ 

So, one of the examples we used was me going to a shop I was intending to go but avoiding, I did it and my expectations (which were initially negative) turned out to be disproven by my actual experience. So she asked me what I expected and to give a percentage of how much I believed in it and I said it’d be awkward and said I assumed this 80%. Then she asked me how it actually was and there was all this nice stuff I learned from going, it was a generally pleasant experience and and my score for awkwardness was rethought to 10%. It’s actually a really neat way of showing yourself how overthinking is so ridiculous and irrational. She said to try and do this for other things I find difficult and to try and then prove my thoughts wrong, I’ll... I’ll try!

She also went over this sheet of unhelpful/negative habits and it has some short descriptions all the different types and I actually have to write examples relating to the ones which I have/often fall into as homework eep! Some of the bad habits listed are predicting the future, mind reading, comparing yourself, catastrophising etc. 

She asked me what I thought she was thinking about me then (or well earlier on) and I said that she was thinking I was silly, but she said nope and she was actually thinking of how proud she was that I did the shop thing I was avoiding..! :D Also when she asked what is the unhelpful behaviour I do and I said avoiding things, she said thanks for being so open and truthful ^^ It feels nice to be praised and to know that my mind is just an asshole a lot of the time lol!

I‘m pretty anxious about writing things down as I always am but also she said not everyone has all these habits, but the more you have the harder it is for you to move forward. Looking at them I feel like I have them all aughhhh... but I guess it explains why I am having such a hard time with everything, it’s good to be able to understand more about my thinking.

Sorry, I’m not really elaborating or writing anything particularly useful. Ahhh what am I saying sorry for >< I keep worrying about my post sucking, but what does it matter if it does or not, I am doing this for me, it’s okay to be selfish... that was one of the things on one of those scoring tests there were a few selflessness statements and ahhhh I die x3x

I also gotta try and do the phone call order practice thing which I’m still avoiding the hell out of cryyyy... it sounds easy but it’s just so hard to get past my silly fears and just do it. Ahhhh c’mon, I can do it... ahhhh... it’s tough... I’ll get there, I hope, and then it’ll be smooth-ish sailing ;v;

Besides being sick and going to that app, in the past week, or well actually yesterday I went to my sis’ house again and made a really basic chocolate cake (was actually meant to be brownies, but oh welp lol). I did it yay! The results weren’t perfect but it is good enough and I guess I learned more about what I can do better (not substitute ingredients maybe lol). I feel a bit more confident using the oven and just combining the ingredients and cracking eggs which is nice! x3 Practice makes perf- slightly better to much better results hah! :3

I was kinda sad cause my parents aren’t really interested in my stuff that much? :< Like the other day I wrote a super nice picture message note thing directed to my parents (I do things like this all the time though and I put in a lot of effort and love) and my dad didn’t even say anything about it, just said he was too busy to look/doesn’t have time for nonsense kind of thing and it just... it really hurt and brought my spirits down so much... ;; My mum chuckled at it at least, I wrote a reference to something funny on it after all, but I wonder if it’s because of the reference that my dad doesn’t seem to like it? But that’s only one tiny part of the picture, it doesn’t make sense... ><

They haven’t tried my cake yet either or shown any interest in doing so, I mean they’re not obligated to and they probably will sometime later, but idk it’s just like... a disappointing and deflated sort of feeling like when a kid makes something and strives for attention or some sort of praise and gets none or hardly any acknowledgement at all... except I’m not a kid... or well, I’m an overgrown kid .__. Am I being too unreasonable or greedy? I want to make them proud at least a little or have even the tiniest bit of encouragement... I just want to be loved... :’C <//3

Um, welp I guess I just have to be more serious and do the grown up things they probably want me to do. Yeah, I’m not a kid anymore... I know I’m really childish, but I can’t help it, it’s just who I am... is it wrong? Should it be another thing to add to the list of why I’m so ashamed of myself..? No, stop, I’m being to harsh on myself.

Aw man, um... well I didn’t mean to fill this post with angst but uh... I guess better out than in. My feelings... they’re so... annoying... but valid and they matter and I matter. I can always learn love myself and I have my sister too. My parents do love me, it’s just not as conventionally expressed I guess. I gotta be grateful for what and who I do have, no comparing them to others either ^^

Lately (like I’ve said in the many many previous posts) I’ve been wanting to post my random art stuff or to try and make more serious attempts at making art or practicing it but I just... it’s hard. I feel like I’m so very close to being able to take that step forward but then I’m hesitating again, overthinking, trying to plan things, doing all of the negative and unhelpful habits and ending up too scared to do anything at all. 

It’s a pretty big hurdle, all the things Im facing are, and I can see over it but I’m scared to take the jump, it’s so intimidating but I have to just let myself know that even if I trip, even if I fall, it’s okay and at least I tried and get up to try again! I can do it! I keep losing my focus, but I’ll keep trying to get it back until I do it!

Oh! OH! My dad called me from downstairs, said he tried my cake, described its kind of flaws which I already knew and told of but said it was better than this other cake he bought before, that it was just better than my other attempts (Um.. I haven’t baked a cake before though lol) Anyways he said it all with a happy tone and I was reading into things too negatively before, man I was being so impatient and oh my overthinking mind when will you just slow down and take the time to enjoy the breeze and smell the flowers.

It feels like.. like idk... like I just got a mood and motivation to try harder next time boost. I’ll try harder next time and I’ll wow him and if not next time then the time after or after that, but each time I’ll improve some even if I fail some. This must be how people feel in competitions or in movies or in, well just life. How interesting! That phrase about life being boring or meaningless without challenge, I guess makes more sense now c:

I’m glad I wrote my post even though it took me hours and I stressed some and took so many breaks but I was able to pull around and add some positivity back into my gloomy mood and re-encourage myself in general which is awesome! I gotta toughen up and get around all these negative obstacles, I gotta pace myself more consistently but not get ahead of myself. Slow and steady wins the race! Yeah I’ll just throw out more proverbs and sayings even if I remembered them wrong or used them wrongly but whatever yolo! xD

I’m stronger than I think, I can do things, I can do them right now! I will do them or at least begin to do them right now! I won’t overthink or if I do I will unravel my worries with rationality! If I don’t do any of the things I just said then whatever and there’s no need to worry about it! Hell yeah!! >:D

Okay, imma do some productive stuff now :3 Like my counsellor said, there’s no point focusing all my energy on worrying and wearing myself out when it’s much better to put all my energy towards actually doing things and making myself happy.

If I don’t manage to do everything I hope to today, it doesn’t matter, I can resume it later another day. If I do something wrong, I’ll learn from it, I can now do even better and there’s no need to beat myself up about it. There isn’t always a right and a wrong, just go with the flow, there’s no rules and no obligations! My forgotten mini mantra yay! *power up!*

I really need to put my little self motivations somewhere I can see them more frequently. Oh yeah! In illustrations which I wanted to do... I kind of forgot about all that, but I’ve remembered! Hnnrgh no overthinking, no comparing, do it for myself, believe in myself! I’ll get round to it soon hopefully! c:

Keep fighting, keep going! Have a great evening! ^0^