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versadies · 3 years

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Hey hey!! I've been following you for a while now and I love your work sm aaa

Saw the event, I love soulmate au's 😩‼ as a gemini, may I request a gemini prompt + kaeya? Up to you who the enemy is, I trust you ^ ^

-🦚 @pavo-ocell-me

someday, one day (hc scenario)

penpal: omg hi !! im glad u love my work, i hope this is to ur liking 🙌

prompt: gemini the twins, enemy-lover soulmate au

pairing/s: kaeya x gn!reader

sypnosis: when you thought he was your enemy but is actually your lover.

includes: spoilers on diluc and kaeya's backstory, spoilers on genshin's official webtoon, violence, physical pain, burns, arguing, enthusiastic!diluc (pls take note that its canon that he USED to be like all the other pyro characters b4 his father's death.),

when you first met diluc, it felt like he was your knight in shining armor.

the first time you two met was when you accidentally fell down from your balcony after leaning too much on the railing and diluc managed to catch you bridal-style whilst he was on patrol around the city as a knight.

it truly was romantic– and a near-death experience for you.

so when you found out that his name is imprinted on your wrist, you felt ecstatic, and so did he.

since then, you two were known as the youngest soulmates who had found each other in mondstadt, people admiring your relationship with envy and happiness.

of course, you and diluc were a happy couple. although you would be lying if you said diluc is overall your type, you managed to find yourself falling in love with the man.

when crepus, diluc's father, found out about diluc's once-in-a-lifetime moment, he simply laughs and pats you and his son by your backs with a proud smile.

"by the time my son turns 18, we better make arrangements of your wedding! it's a ragnvindr tradition, after all." he comments eagerly. you honestly weren't sure if the man was joking or not.

it didn't take long before you meet his dear brother, kaeya.

when you find out his brother's name is the same as the one that's imprinted on your other wrist, being surprised is far from your reaction.

"don't worry about it, y/n." diluc reassures you one night as the two of you stroll around the city together. "i'll make sure nothing will go wrong between you and my brother. besides, you always have me, right?"

if diluc hadn't tried what he said, perhaps things would've gone differently than now.

in fear of being enemies with your future brother-in-law, you decided to avoid kaeya like a plague, giving the young man apologetic looks whenever you walk away from his presence.

as much as you're avoiding the man, you couldn't imagine hating on kaeya. every night, you always think of what can make kaeya your enemy. what is there to hate him? he's funny, chivalrous, everything that screams your type of men.

wait.. type?

your heart drops from the moment you started thinking romantic things about diluc's brother, looking behind you to see your soulmate sleeping soundly with a frown plastered on your face.

is diluc really your lover?

doubts started to cross your mind. what if diluc isn't your soulmate? what is there to prove that kaeya is your enemy? are you just overthinking things?

"i can't think about this." you murmured to yourself, pulling up your comforter before laying back down on your bed and try to fall asleep.

"i have a wedding to worry about next year."

just as you said, you did try not to think about the possibilities you have with the two brothers, distracting yourself with tasks and dates with your lover, who's quite oblivious to your problems going on inside your head.

unnoticed by you, you weren't the only one who has been burdened with your thoughts.

by the time diluc's birthday has arrived, the two of you started to get excited from your future wedding, excited to finally marry each other after years of spending your adolescence together.

you didn't expect an inconvenience during diluc and crepus's trip.

you didn't expect crepus trying to save diluc from a monster using something that no one but snezhnaya has ever heard of.

you didn't expect crepus asking diluc to put him out of his misery.

you didn't expect diluc to come strolling back to your shared home with blood stained in his clothing at a late hour.

you never, ever, expected your lover to fight his own brother when he took a visit.

and you did not expect your lover to plan on leaving you and everyone.

"what do you mean you're... you're leaving?" you ask in disbelief, staring at diluc as though he has two heads. "can't i go with you–?"

"no, this journey will be too dangerous for you–"

"this applies to you as well! you're not an immortal or some god–"

"i can do this on my own, y/n." he says with his eyes narrowed. you couldn't help but scoff in disbelief. this isn't the diluc you know and loved.

"but diluc.. isn't this too much? your father... i know crepus's death is too much but, why can't you stay?" you whispered, cupping his cheeks. "what about our wedding? the life you and i planned after your bi–"

"my father died and you're seriously thinking about our wedding?!" diluc forces your hands away from his face, glaring at you. "why can't you understand that i'm trying to find out the truth on this delusion–"

"i do understand!" you yelled out. "i do understand that you want to do this for him but what about monstadt? the knights? what about your brother–"

"HE'S NOT MY BROTHER!" he yelled, lashing out at you as you screamed in surprise when you saw fire in front of you, immediately covering your face with your arms out of reflex.

you didn't notice how your lover's eyes widens on what he did,

you couldn't notice him, not when you're too focused on the huge burns on your arms.

"oh my god..." diluc murmurs, slowly taking a few steps back as he takes a look of what he did, ignoring the sudden presence of adelaide and elzer, who both gasped from the scene.

your eyes starts to water from the intense pain, trying not to cry out and scream your heart out in fear of making your lover feel regret. you could honestly care less on what diluc is doing, all you could think about was the intense burns from your arms.

suddenly, the door was slammed open by kaeya– who was wet from the rain outside.

"what the hell did you do to them?!" kaeya exclaims, running towards you with a shocked look on his face. "i'll take you to the cathedral alright? the sisters will heal you." he whispers, wiping off the tears from your face as he wraps his arm around your shoulder and takes you towards the doors.

before diluc could let out a word from his mouth, kaeya gives him a glare.

"you may hate me for what happened," kaeya says.

"but for celestia's sake, don't ever come to them or call them your lover ever again."

that was the last time you saw diluc.

you eventually find out from the chattering nuns that the man had already left monstadt with no news of when he'll return, causing everyone to pity you and for diluc about what happened.

you were thankful that no one except the nuns found out about the incident of your arms.

throughout your stay in the cathedral, you usually find kaeya beside you, keeping an eye on you with a concerned look on his face. you honestly couldn't imagine what would've happened if the man didn't storm inside dawn winery. would diluc actually try to help you later on and leave? would you have suffered more with your injuries as he stands by watching you in disbelief?

whatever outcome you could think of, your heart ached from them all.

would diluc stayed had he been the one who tries to take care of your injuries?

either way, you knew the man is no longer the one you fell in love with from those years ago.

as years grew by, so did your friendship with kaeya.

although it was awkward from the start, you eventually warmed up to the man who you thought is your enemy, feeling more comfortable with him than before.

the two of you started having careers by then, with you having a successful career whilst kaeya becomes the calvary captain of the knights of favonius.

although the two of you are busy, you agreed to always meet each other at night in angel's share, where you drink the night away and talk about anything that comes out of your minds.

there wasn't a day when you thought about diluc.

thankfully, your burns weren't too severe and is slowly fading away throughout the years. but that doesn't mean the memories you had from it disappeared as well.

ever since that dreadful night, you started having nightmares about the incident, always finding yourself sitting up from your bed with a scared look on your face.

you wished you didn't want to see diluc this way, but you honestly couldn't bare to face him if he ever comes back to the city.

you don't see him as a lover or a friend. all he is to you at this very moment is your nightmare.

your nightmares simply washes away when kaeya comes up in your mind.

whenever you think about your so-called destined enemy, you felt comforted and safe. it was understandable really! you were touched by how he took care of you regardless of you being his "enemy".

however... now that you could think about it, the calvary captain has a lot more common with you than diluc himself. the fact that his brother made you laugh a lot and supported you in many ways made you started thinking that maybe diluc really isn't your destined lover.

your heart skips a beat from the thought of kaeya being your true lover, the smile you wore never fading away.

perhaps when you're finally starting to move on from the relationship you had with diluc, maybe... just maybe, kaeya could be the one you've been hoping for.

you started to sleep more peacefully, excited for the future that awaits.

somewhere in the calvary captain's home, the man is dreaming and hoping of you too.

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rebellum · 2 years

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Every once in a while I'm reminded that I'm like actually traumatized from being mentally ill and the helplessness I felt

Like I've been okay for maybe around a year now, actually good, I'm no longer disabled

But I still have rough nights like tonight where it's like I can't help but think about it and daydream scenarios where I tell people about how absolutely failed I feel I was from the people around me

Like I did what you're supposed to do in that situation- I told multiple trusted adults about my mental health issues. And my mum helped a lot, definitely, and she did her best, I don't fault her for that, but no one else did anything either

I wish I had gone behind my mums back earlier

At 17 I knew how anti-medicstion she was (or, thought she was, it was a whole situation where she's not actually anti medication and just felt like it was best to tell me that meds wouldn't help bc she wanted to help me to feel better, esp since in her opinion I wouldn't have gotten medication while under 18)

and finally went to a psychiatrist who of course was like "oh my god yes I will help you" because she realised if wasn't fucking okay or normal for a teen to hallucinate when they get anxious and have paranoia and be so desperate for death from depression

And im. Starting to realise by typing this out that I don't think my mum did really do her best, maybe. She still should have taken me to a doctor. When your 15 year old tells you they want to die and that they think aliens are after them and that almost every day they feel spiders crawling all over them, you take them to the fucking doctor, not hope it goes away because you had a simular mental health issue that went away in your early 20s

I was just in such desperate need of help and almost no one helped me. I went to my aunt and she was basically like wow that sucks. I told my acting instructor and she, to my absolute befuddlement, told me anxiety was actually good because without it people wouldn't do things like meet deadlines. No one fucking helped me and its been 13 years since the whole thing started happening that made me spend ages like 12-21ish in absolute agony. So I guess I just get into states like this sometimes where I can't help but feel terrible that at 12 years old I literally wrote a suicide note every single month but chickened out. For years I've thought like, that's fine, 12 is almost 13 and therefore basically a teenager, and many teens have rough times, so it's actually good that I got to have 11 years of childhood

But as I get older and more separate from my past self I realise that wasn't enough

That there are 15 year olds worried about normal teens things like if someone has a crush on them, and that adolescence is actually a part of childhood, and that it was robbed by me by my mental illness. I've so far bad to spend my early 20s where other people emotionally are at teens because I straight up fucking missed a big part of my development. Of course I'm traumatized. I don't even know how to deal with it though. This times where I can't help but imagine explaining it get farther apart, at least. I haven't had one like this in months.

I think I still feel helpless. I m no longer disabled but i still struggle and I still feel like I'm under control of some monster of mental illness. And I don't even know if it's normal or not! I don't know if everyone in their 20s feels helpless like they're on a raft in an ocean because they know what they need to do and how to do it but have to deal with the idea that their body just won't let them do it. I've been in uni since fall 2016 because of mental health issues making me drop my classes, and I'm supposed to have just one year left, and I plan on doing it, and I want to do it, but an outside force may stop me from completing it on time. And yeah maybe just everyone young feels this way, like some mercurial outside force is keeping them tethered. And maybe I'm just being a baby about it. Or maybe crying about it is also a normal and okay part of it and I'm not being stupid and oversensitive.

Tomorrow will be better, I suspect, today has just been a REALLY rough day for me

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sapphic-sex-ed · 5 years

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Hi umm? How to differentiate between (social) anxiety and compulsive heterosexuality? Ive been calling myself bi all my adolescence, but now that i have a real shot at something romantic/sexual w a guy im way too anxious to even open his text asking me out. Plus yesterday he was flirting with me and i got really sexually aroused but i didnt do anything abt it (not even kissing) bc i was too nervous? 😖😖😖

It can be tricky distinguishing between social anxiety and heteronormative conditioning when the most obvious signs of the latter are discomfort and anxiety around interacting with men in ceirtan ways, but there are aother ways you can try and figure this all out.

A good start is to think about how you react when you are flirting with men vs women - are you as nervous? If you are, does the anxiety feel the same or different? If you haven’t really been in this situation with a woman yet, just keep reading through cause there are still ways to figure this out.

How you look at a potentional future with a man vs. with a woman*? When you imagine a future where you are married, maybe have a house or apartment and a dog or two with your s/o, does it feel different dependent on the gender you pick for your s/o? Does the fantasy with the man feel more uncomfortable to think about? Do you have to invent some ways to cope, like add in a skewed power balance (regardless of who holds that power) or does the affection you imagine between the to of you make you feel weird?

Back when I thought I was bi (and I had no experience with either binary gender) I would say that if I got married to a man I would never want to have kids, because the conventional family structure felt weird, and alternatively if I had kids with a man I would never marry him untli maybe the kids had moved out. If I married a woman however I would love a “traditional” family image of a partner two kids a house etc. At the time I wrote it off as myself being a silly “special snowfalke” (actual term I used btw) who just wanted to be edgy and unconventional, but now I realize the heteronormativity made me feel so off I had to invent ways to circumvent parts of the norm. I wasn’t trying to be edgy and unconventional to feel special, it was that the norm was so uncomfortable I was doing my best to bend it.

If you feel you recognize yourself in that last paragraph then that could be a sign too.

When it comes to sexual fantasies a sign could be that power imbalance I mentioned before. You need to either be super dom or super submissive or you can’t go through with it. This can manifest in kink-like fantasies because of the common D/s dynamics there, or it can manifest in infedility scenarios, or in as extreme things ars r*pe. With the latter one it can be really traumatizing even if you don’t realize it at the time and it can be really hard to work though on your own. If possible, seek counseling if that’s something you experience.

In contrast, sexual fantasies with women won’t need this type of skewed dynamic. Even if you are into kink, as I am, there will be a difference. Namely that in the fantasies with men, the dynamic will feel like the only way you can stand to be in them. If you try to actively make them more equal in power they will be super uncomfortable, or you will swap perspective so that you are the guy sleeping with a woman (also super common). But fantasies with women don’t feel uncomfortable without the power dynamic. Like sure, if you are super into D/s they might feel a little boring but the won’t feel bad.

Another thing you can do is look at your past history of crushes. If the men you’ve had crushes on are all unavailable in some way - fictional, celebreties, dead, in prison, married, gay, a friend’s sibling, etc - or if you only developed a crush on them after a friend gave their approval either by mentioning they think them hot, or saying they would be a good fit for you.

Another crush-related sign would be if you actively selected a guy to be attracted to. Like, you didn’t see them and were like OMG but you sat down and thought okay I’m gonna be into this one. Back when I was 17 I got really into the band Queen - I’d always liked them but that’s when I got into the fandom - and I clearly remember sitting on my firend’s bed, looking at a picture of them going “okay people who like bands have a crush on one of them so who should I pick?” and litterally just went “ah that guy” for no real reason except I liked his hair and that’s the story of how I had a “crush” on Queen guitarist Brian May for two years. Contrast that with my choldhood/teen fixation with Lady Gaga and how I just saw her and went like *heart-eye emoji*, no active decition just natural obsession.

Another way to determine if your attraction to men is genuine is if you have a very specific list of things men need to be for you to be attracted to them, and if by any chance you meet a guy who fits you instinctively add more requirements to the list. Connected to that is soley being attracted to very feminine or very masculine guys. No inbetweens.

I’m trying to remember more but google removed the docs that had all the information so there is more but I can’t think of it right now. you could try check out the #comp het or #coercive heteronormativity tags on our blog (although I always tag both so many posts are similar, but I think mod star only tags the latter and I’m unsure about the other mods so there will be differences) and see if we have mentioned other signs. If you look prior to august I believe I will have quoted directly from the google doc (although the links to it doesn’t work anymore, obviously) so those would be the most accurate.

-mod liz

*this will be very binary in man-woman but non binary people can and do fit into this conversation, however that would require a lot more nuance and I’m out of nuance for the whole of january 2020 due to uni work so a binary discussion will have to do)

#mod liz #comp het #coercive heteronormativity #kink mention #r*pe mention #trauma mention #Anonymous

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sealedinabook · 6 years

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//I cannot for the life of me Reblog @alwaysadolphin’s posts about the sheer madness that went on behind the scenes of both comic series and TV series of W.I.T.C.H., so, here I am copy-and-pasting the first revelation regarding the cluster-cuss.

I’ll reblog later with my opinion because all this information is taking me a LONG dang time to process…

From @alwaydolphin, here is their reproduction of an interview with Canepa and Barbucci, and just let me interject beforehand: I’m am just shocked at how poorly Disney treated them! Shockéd! *coughsarcasmcough*

as long as im posting these deep production tidbits from w.i.t.c.h. I should probably also track down that old Canepa interview where she talked about being turned away from Disney for four years until Disney begrudgingly took the project on, published it, and then bragged about how they always knew it would be a smash hit when it broke sales records bc I think about that a lot

Sceneario.com : What do you think of the manga genre? I am thinking in particular of “WITCH”?

Canepa & Barbucci : What is good with the authors of mangas is that they can tell a period of life that we Westerners always try to hide: adolescence. I think that explains the huge success of the manga with teenagers … and nostalgic adults! It’s very difficult to work for this type of audience, there is no survey or marketing plan that’s deemed it worthwhile!

W.I.T.C.H. succeeded because it was born spontaneously between three people who introduced entire phases of their own adolescence, without “reinterpreting” it from an adult angle, going against the proposals of a service marketing manager ! Witch is currently published in 75 countries, sold over 40 million copies, to Japan where it was reworked by Japanese artists in their black and white style. We started creating Witch in June 1997, when the word “manga” was downright banned at Disney. It’s incredible ! While today, in society, it is on the agenda … A bit late now, it is now public domain. However, since its first punlication in spring 2001 in Italy, out of our control after the second issue (this remoteness is our own, but it’s a long story!) and that of the historic creator Elisabetta Gnone, the scenario took a very family turn, a little too feminine and much less introspective. For a wide audience of girls from 9 to 11 years old. Adolescence, the true and the most adult, is really distorted by the well-meaning Disney, in the last episodes. A great damage, in our opinion. It was also born for a mixed public, up to 15 years old. Disney has lost this age group for at least 10 years. They wanted it at all costs, but still can not get it back! These are the boys of video games and mangas, far removed from the “Good” Disney! Witch would have had the strength of a Japanese shojo comic.

Look only in France! And without adding gadgets to the magazine, ostensibly female, which increase sales but bring nothing in quality comics. Without wishing to be great mythomaniacs, we were sure that Witch would be a success. And Disney has never been convinced. On the contrary ! You can not imagine how many doors have been closed to us. We fought a good two years against a managerial system that did not want it. It was only thanks to the audacity of the then director of women’s magazines at the time, E. Gnone, and the open-mindedness of one of the American leaders that the magazine was able to appear. Moreover, here in France, after a single year of publication, it caused the name of the magazine that published it to change: “Minnie mag" became “Witch mag”! We are very proud of what we did with this comic, and it is always thanks to Witch that we decided in 1998 to try a new experience together: Sky Doll. And from time to time we think about 40 million copies !!! CHILLS…

Sceneario.com : What graphic benefits did you get from your Disney experience?

Together : Disney is an excellent school to become professional: you learn to work a lot and quickly, without getting too attached to your job. Graphically, on the other hand, the effects are often devastating: one risks the standardization to an impersonal style, which one will escape with difficulty.

Sceneario.com : Why did you leave Disney?

Together : For many reasons: to create something for us … and finally have control and copyrights, to no longer have to participate in depressing marketing meetings, to work in an environment where quality is not optional, to progress professionally and artistically! And also because of a lawsuit against Disney (still in progress)* for the rights of WITCH, since 2001. Is that a good enough reason? > :)

*This lawsuit was still pending in 2008, however it appears that some sort of agreement was reached eventually, as the crux of the case was that Canepa and Barbucci had no proper credit as series creators, possibly a response from Disney’s higher ups to Barbucci and Canepa’s departure from the project - for years, only Elisabetta Gnone was given any form of recognition for the role of series creator. With the 2017 worldwide reprints, this has been changed to acknowledge all three, in addition to Francesco Artibani, who was instrumental in persuading Disney to give the series a chance in the first place.

Oh here’s the specific quote I was thinking of, which I’ll have to hunt down the source of because tv tropes never provides any damn sources

"We conceived of "W.I.T.C.H.” together with Elisabetta Gnone, the then director of girls publications for Disney. We worked for three years in secret on it and she then presented the project to the big bosses at Disney. They thought that this project was crazy, a sure-fire bomb, complete waste of time, and that mangas wouldn’t have a chance in Europe anyway (!!!). However, we didn’t let ourselves be led astray and worked for another year on it anyway, with a tiny budget and without publicity. And then the series became a worldwide hit. The official version from Disney is, of course, that “W.I.T.C.H.” is a product of their brilliant, visionary marketing strategy…the end of the series was then taken out of our hands, we actually had something a lot more intelligent planned for it. Now, as you can see, Elisabetta Gnone and the two of us no longer work for Disney…a really sad story.“

#w.i.t.c.h.#long post #disney #alessandro #barbara canepa #alessandro barbucci #ooc

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italianblended · 4 years

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Sometimes u just need to write it all down to get it all out 🤞🏼

Today was a hard day, my bb went back to night shifts so im back to nights by myself, but if im being honest its been a real hard week despite the work schedules going back to “normal”

Ive been doing real good with my anxiety lately, ive been trying to stay positive and happy, look at the bright side type of thing, for the most part its doing the job but of course there’s gonna be some dips too i have to remember that.

I’ve been starting to do all the planning for my wedding that’ll be on October 23rd,2021 💍 To the absolute love of my life.

Growing up every girl has this picture perfect dream of what her wedding and her life will be like at whatever projected age we give ourselves ( i was “supposed” to be married by 22 🤷🏻‍♀️ oops)

But nobody ever tells u about the nitty gritty,

Like you may not have everything you want , you may not be able to invite everyone you want, you’re plans at age 12 are not realistic for real life wedding, you might not get an engagement party like that boy that went to your highschool, you will have family members who will not show up, there will be drama, it does cost excessively expensive and not everything is a fairytale at the end of the day. But we all knew this right?

About 7 months ago i lost contact with my dad, and without going into excruciating detail, he’s pretty much as gone as it gets and my god is it hitting me now. All the wedding planning and my head keeps going back to; He won’t walk me down the aisle, i wont have a father daughter dance and he wont be able to give me away.

Life is full of uncertainties,but no.. i did not see this in the colorful spectrum of scenarios that could occur in the mind of an anxious adolescent.

My love and i are talking about babies, like really talking about babies. We look at Luna, our puppy and it’s crazy the love someone can have for their dog right, well imagine our first kid. You licture this unimaginable love you have for your kid, you think of what kind of parent you’ll be, what kind of family you’ll raise and where you’ll be in 15 years. I dont know all those answers but holy good god will my man be the best damn father i have ever seen.

We’re talking about godparents, were talking about bridal parties, honeymoons, career plans, and its all good. It’s all good stuff. But im still not at my best mentally and thats ok..

My brother in laws new girlfriend is a real sweetheart, i think ive actually clocked more hours with her than i have my actual sister in law, oh well tho lol. She was telling me that I’m a really good hype-man. She was saying someone could say something as silly as i didnt laugh just there, and i will fkng pump u up, with the wooo and the ouuu, and i sat back and thought that hype-man, yeah that’s pretty legitimate.

But lately people have been telling me who i am alot, basing their judgement off things i unnoticeably do, but I wanna take a second to define myself, i’m a person who will ALWAYS put their others first regardless of the fact over the years in my past it wasn’t always reciprocated, im someone who loves to eat so yeah i have some extra weight on my body and no im not innocent to the fact its unhealthy, im attentive as fuck but i rarely say what I notice for fear of being judged, i have alot of feelings and thoughts and sometimes (alot of the times) i dont vocalize them because its way easier to shutup about it then start a thing, im funny as hell, im not a GQ model but I have some nice features. Im fucking smart and I don’t always get the credit I should but I graduated cegep in business marketing and now im going to be a fully certified stock broker at the age of 24. Not bad at all

I have alot of faults, im naggy, i get tired fast, i have a hard time saying no because i hate to disappoint, im annoying and i need alot of love. But you know what I’ll never do? Walk out on my fucking kids.

Yes im sad. But I’ll be okay. And overall I’d say im pretty fucking proud of who i am and the life i have, even though i get sad sometimes i see alot more growth than darkness and that’s enough for now.

Thanks for coming to my ted talk.

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stretchjournalemerson · 5 years

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Technology and Social Media as Modes of Conversation for Underrepresented Communities: An In-depth Look at the Importance of YouTube within the LGBTQ+ Community

By Kathleen Grillo -

“On September 23, 2018, ironically Bisexual Visibility Day, I sat with my suitemate on her bed while another suitemate of ours stood against the closed door. Then, I told them I was, and to clarify still am, bisexual. The rest of the night I came out to four other suitemates.”

On September 23, 2018, ironically Bisexual Visibility Day, I sat with my suitemate on her bed while another suitemate of ours stood against the closed door. Then, I told them I was, and to clarify still am, bisexual. The rest of the night I came out to four other suitemates. The previous night at midnight, I had come out to my best friend over text, too afraid to tell her over facetime. Over the course of the next few weeks, I would go on to tell those closest to me. Today, I am still telling people. People think you come out once. I thought you came out once. You tell one person and then expect the rest of the world to just know, but I, and many others, are wrong. I will continue to tell people I am bisexual for years. Maybe the rest of my life. There will always be someone else to tell. Coming out is different for everyone. For some, they really do come out once. For others such as myself, they know they will come out many times throughout their life.

I first thought I was bi when I was twelve years old, but quickly dispelled the thought when my mom told me it was normal to think girls were pretty. Little did she know I’d imagined kissing them. The thought was gone though, and I continued with life. That is, until November of junior year when my best friend came out to me. She’d known her whole life, and she had been wanting to tell me since freshman year when we met. That day on the bus ride home, and on the bus ride home for the next week, I questioned myself again. No, I thought, I am not gay. Time passed. I was straight, but I was supportive. I always had been.

Then, I went to college, a place of discovery, where you meet new people and try new things. Maybe, like me, you live in a new city. As cliche as it is to say, college really does teach you things about yourself. For me, that meant re-evaluating my sexuality. Once again, I returned to that questioning. This time, though, I got a different answer. No longer did straight feel right, but bisexual was starting to. Looking back, there were clues scattered throughout my adolescence, ones I didn’t see until questioning. In those weeks of inner reflection, when I was too afraid to talk to anyone I knew, I turned to YouTube. I listened to queer music and watched the respective music videos. I watched coming out videos, listened to people’s stories. How did they know? When did they come out? How did they come out? Am I apart of this community?

...

Dr. Sherry Turkle, a Harvard graduate, is known for her work as a psychologist and sociologist. Moreso, she is known for her discussion on the topic of social media and technology. In 1996, she wrote a book about the up and coming technology which led her to be displayed proudly on the front of Wired magazine. More recently, Turkle spoke for TED.com, a popular website containing speeches on ranging topics and featuring a wide selection of speakers. Turkle was there to speak about technology once again. This time, she was further discussing her research on the modern generation and their addiction to technology, to social media. Texts. Tweets. Notifications. She claims, “I think we're setting ourselves up for trouble -- trouble certainly in how we relate to each other, but also trouble in how we relate to ourselves and our capacity for self-reflection.” She explains that social media is changing how we think, that technology is literally changing our psyche. And Turkle is not wrong; we are ever adapting to the world around us. We learn to split our attention span, to send that text while still listening to our friends. We learn to finish an assignment while also writing notes from a professor’s lecture. Turkle is valid in her argument that, “People want to be with each other, but also elsewhere -- connected to all the different places they want to be.” We do split ourselves across many forms of communication, but Turkle’s argument falters in its ignorance of all sides of social media and technology.

Most people I know would say social media doesn’t inhibit their ability to connect with those around them. In many ways, technology and social media builds connections and enables conversation. Friends text or facetime when they are away at college. Parents call to check in. Classmates work on projects. It is a different type of conversation, but a conversation nonetheless. Even more, Turkle’s argument comes from a place of privilege. In her essay “Always-On/Always-on-You: the Tethered Self”, she says, “Tethered selves come together, but do not speak to each other”, meaning that, because we are connected, or tethered, to our devices, we cannot converse properly with those around us. This assumes that all conversations we want to be apart of are being hosted in real life. But what if that isn’t the case? What if those you identify with aren’t in your real life sphere?

One such community in which this occurs is the LGBTQ+ community. Many individuals who belong to this community, who in this essay will be referred to as queer individuals, turn to the safety and availability of social media. A large platform where this occurs is YouTube, as explicitly explored here. There are many YouTubers, those who create and post videos to YouTube, that are known for their queer content across all ranges, from coming out advice to queer music to queer education. All such YouTubers are real and non-scripted as they are in TV or movies. Because of this need for belonging within the LGBTQ+ community it is clear that “The quick spread of the videos is testament to how many people search for coming out advice, unable to access it through their immediate environment or most media outlets” (Bateman). This quote comes from Jessica Bateman, a writer for Broadly, a subsection of Vice that focuses on unrepresented individuals. In the article, Bateman focuses specifically on the importance of coming out videos, one of the most popular kinds of queer videos on YouTube. Not only do these videos answer questions that many queer individuals are too afraid or unable to ask, but they also provide validation in the form of the video’s creator and in the continued conversation found in the comments section of such videos.

One such Youtuber, whose coming out video has reached over 8.3 million since it was posted on August 7, 2013, is Troye Sivan. His video is one of the most well known in the LGBTQ+ community. Sivan is one of the original “gay YouTubers,” who was openly gay and made videos discussing such topics. In this video, Troye begins by saying, “This is the most nervous I’ve probably ever been in my entire life, but I’m going to deal with it because I have something to tell you guys.” Even Sivan, who had a strong level of support on his channel, was nervous. This point can be extremely validating to individuals who haven’t come out or are trying, and struggling, to do so. This is one example of many as to how these videos can be paramount in the LGBTQ+ community. They provide support and as Bateman says, “Coming out to your parents is never easy, but more and more LGBTQ young people are sharing their experiences on YouTube to ‘show our identities are valid.’" Since his coming out video, Sivan has proved to be influential, continuing his YouTube channel years after the video’s debut. Recently, Sivan is more known for becoming a queer icon as a musical artist.

As mentioned, an important component of these videos is the comments sections. On Sivan’s video, there is a mix of old comments posted when the video was first released and he was little more than a YouTuber, and new comments, posted now with the knowledge of Sivan as an artist and role model. These comments show the personal influence and conversation created outside of the YouTuber that many queer individuals will spend hours scrolling through to find the many other people they identify with. Such comments include, “I am a 60 year old gay man. This was the video I watched the first time I saw you about a year ago. I think you are great. I can't wait to see the movie "Boy Erased". I think your music is beautiful. I have listened to a lot of it. I think you are an inspiration to a lot of people. You may not realize it, but people like you even help older people like me” (Randy D). These videos do not just appeal to a younger generation, but also to anyone who wishes to find validation or education.

They also become a place for people to share their own stories. Most importantly for some, they are safe, anonymous places to do such. This is a crucial component of the online conversation being composed, especially considering the high amounts of mental health problems and suicide among LGBTQ+ individuals. According to the Trevor Project, a national organization that aims to help LGBTQ+ youth through crisis and suicide scenarios, “LGB youth are almost five times as likely to have attempted suicide compared to heterosexual youth” and “...40% of transgender adults reported having made a suicide attempt.” Another comment by user Kristine Jauregui, says,“Im bisexual...but until now im inside the closet waiting for someone to open it. Im scared to come out because I knew already that they're not going to accept me. And lately my mom told me that i need to find my prince but in my mind my prince is a princess.” (Jauregui). The responding comments are full of love and encouragement. The anonymity of social media, although isolating at times, can open people up to talk about things they can’t in real life, or when similar identifying individuals aren’t available in their real life.

Outside of the initial need for coming out and finding validation, is the want for education. Whether a part of the LGBTQ+ community or not, YouTube has become a place for education. Specific queers can find tutorials on packing and binding, practices taken up by many trans individuals, as well as learn the difference between some sexualities and genders and learn more about queer sexual health. One person who has done such is Ash Hardell, a non-binary, trans-masculine, bisexual YouTuber. Not only do they make regular YouTube videos, but they are also the writer of a book called The ABC's of LGBT+. Although, to clarify, the book is published under the name Ashley Mardell, the name they used before getting married and before changing their first name to a more nonbinary one. Hardell explains that the purpose of the book is “to be a detailed guide of many LGBTQIA+ identities and terms with an emphasis on those that are mis- and underrepresented.” The book uses multiple sources, from images to video links to interviews, to explain and educate the many different areas of this community. Hardell perfectly explains why their book is important by saying, “in an attempt to combat erasure and increase general LGBTQIA+ knowledge, this book hopes to offer visibility and a voice to identities that are usually lost and forgotten.”

It is important to Hardell, both in their videos and their book, that proper education is offered to all within this community. Their YouTube channel heavily reflects the ideas presented in the book. They have countless videos targeted for gender education, trans education, and sexuality understanding. There are also many videos that display collaborations with other YouTubers that produce LGBTQ+ content. This opens the conversation to more than just one voice. With something as unique as sexuality and gender, it is extremely helpful for this community to know all of its resources, or at least as many as it can. Outside of queer identifying individuals, these channels that provide education are extremely important for cishets, a term used to mean a cisgendered, heterosexual individual. There are many topics and ideas that become difficult for one to understand unless they themselves have experienced it. YouTubers such as Hardell begin to help “outsiders” understand. Without YouTube and social media, it becomes increasingly more difficult for education to spread. The LGBTQ+ community is just one of many that use these sites to spread their message and gain understanding in such a diverse world.

We all know that it is easier to share or like a tweet or Facebook post, to watch a five minute YouTube video than to read a book or find someone willing to discuss such private matters. When these things are absent, people turn to social media and technology. Yes, as Turkle claims, “Connection is more like a symptom than a cure. It expresses, but it doesn't solve, an underlying problem.” That problem being the fear of loneliness. She argues that we connect when we are alone, but Turkle assumes that the same conversations are being hosted in person as well as online. While this is arguably valid, there are times in which we need to be alone without connecting, there are also times when we need to connect so that we can be alone without feeling lonely. In the LGBTQ+ community, it is very easy to feel lonely, especially if a queer individual has no similar identifying individuals near them. In that absence, social media and YouTube has become a place of validity, representation, and education. People receive answers to questions they are too afraid to ask, see themselves in the stories of others, and find courage in the bravery of role models. Coming out, something that is ongoing for many LGBTQ+ individuals, can be extremely isolating, but YouTubers and the very real people commenting on these videos are a safe haven for many queer youths, and adults. Yes, the kid on their phone while at dinner may be scrolling through Instagram or texting their friends who they’ll see tomorrow anyway, but they might also be scrolling through the comments of their favorite music video by Hayley Kiyoko as they debate telling their parents about their sexuality or their gender or both right then and there. Despite Turkle making a very reasonable claim, she ignores the communities where real-life exchange is not available. And in those circumstances, simple online connection can mean more than any person to person conversation.

Acknowledgements

I’d like to thank Mary Kovaleski for really pushing us to reach for a conversation we wanted be a part of, no matter how difficult it seemed. I would also like to thank my peers Matthew Pifko who provided useful research and Audrey Iocca who gave me extensive critique. I’d like to thank all the YouTubers who have given the LGBTQ+ community a place to express themselves and have dedicated themselves to improving the community. This work also wouldn’t be here if it weren’t for my family and friends who’ve given me love and encouragement. Lastly, I’d like to thank myself for having the bravery to share a story I’ve never told.

Works Cited

Bateman, Jessica. “How YouTube Videos Changed the Way Young People Come Out.” Broadly,

VICE, 3 Apr. 2017, broadly.vice.com/en_us/article/8x4gkp/how-youtube-videos-changed-the-way-young-people-come-out

“Facts About Suicide – The Trevor Project.” The Trevor Project,

www.thetrevorproject.org/resources/preventing-suicide/facts-about-suicide/.

HeyThere005. “Ash Hardell.” YouTube, YouTube, www.youtube.com/user/HeyThere005.

Jauregui, Kristine. “Coming Out.” Comments section, YouTube, Apr. 2019, https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TvzWNwJ41_k .

Mardell, Ashley. The ABC's of LGBT+. Mango Media Inc., 2016.

Person. “Power. Life. Culture. Lore.” Broadly, VICE, broadly.vice.com/en_us.

D, Randy. “Coming Out.” Comments Section, YouTube, 7 Aug. 2013,

www.youtube.com/watch?v=JoL-MnXvK80.

“Saving Young LGBTQ Lives.” The Trevor Project, www.thetrevorproject.org/.

Sherry Turkle, ‘Always-on/Always-on-you:The Tethered Self.” In Handbook of Communication

Studies, James E. Katz (ed.). Cambridge, MA: MIT Press, 2018.

Sivan, Troye. “Coming Out.” YouTube, YouTube, 7 Aug. 2013,

www.youtube.com/watch?v=JoL-MnXvK80.

Turkle, Sherry. “Transcript of ‘Connected, but Alone?".” TED,

www.ted.com/talks/sherry_turkle_alone_together/transcript?language=en#t-294147

#culture #social media #youtube #lgbtq #research #kathleen grillo #stretch2019

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overcomingdepression101 · 7 years

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Why we become addicted depressed and anxious, what it does to our mind, and how to overcome it

Ive been considering all these topics as of late. For the past two years now Ive felt overwhelmingly depressed, apathetic, and lethargic towards life. Most notably of all the depressive symptoms though, my focus has deteriorated, that I find it hard to maintain visual focus on any one thing. At the start of the depressive cycle, reading was impossible, and even now continued visualization is difficult. I find myself regularly pulled out of the imagined scenario. Its odd though. Its not like I lose the drive to maintain focus and then all of a sudden im putting the material down and shifting to a different task. Its as if my mind itself has ceased to see any true value in continuing the action. Ill be in the middle of reading a page, and then without warning, my mind will have shifted focus. It will reflect on something in my life. Generally it will bring up a past memory that has some degree of lament to it and start creating a fictional instance around the memory or the projection of a person; an argument that could have been had, lovelorn words that could have been spoken, experiences that could have been shared, hell, sometimes it will be a want to discuss the material im reading with someone that I once had feelings for and will begin to build a feeling of self importance as a result of having those conversations. Afterwards I feel discouraged, realizing, especially in the ladder case, that any intellectual validation or merit or strength that could have been ascertained from the actual activity of reading was undermined by delving into the fantasy.

Thats the strange thing about this focuses lack actually. A lot of the time, I will fantasize about doing or responding to what I am doing. The ultimate value underlying the digression actually being completing, with clarity and competence, the activity at hand. And yet my mind continues to wander away from the task at hand, inhibiting me from actually learning or appreciating or involving myself in what Im doing.

So, as of this point, Im sure you're wondering where the question about the reward center of the brain comes in. Well, we generally understand that the reward center of the brain, when primed and matured and uninterrupted, will release dopamine, the pleasure center of the brain, to influence the body to continue this action; chemical positive reinforcement. In doing this, the body is habituated to pursue self actualizing behavior. Yet, in my instance, there is some recognition that my mind desires to pursue the self actualizing behavior, but something always gets in the way.

I shouldn't say something. im more aware of the mechanism than that. Its actually a who. An ex. A woman I believed to be the love of my life, potentially soul mate. To a certain extent I maintain some of these beliefs. But I am become more suspect of them as time progresses and as I learn more about the interactions of drugs on the mind. Let me explain.

This relationship had a good deal of drug over the course of its duration. But there was one experience, the day I’d say the relationship really began and also an event that Im begin to hold more and more accountable for my current state of mind, that I accredit more than any other. On our first true date. This woman and I went to a music festival together and took MDMA. This experience was prefaced by three dates, a growing belief that I had never prior met someone who was so like me, the first true wisps of love as a legitimate feeling, and an intense sexual attraction. To say little of the experience other than what is necessary, I have never felt so much mental, physical, or spiritual affirmation in period of time. I can only imagine that my body was flooded with an unparalleled amount of dopamine.

The day after, in an unexpected and tragic way, the relationship flourishing was cut short, but continued on and off for the next few months. During this period of time, whenever I was in her presence, I felt more intelligence and focus flood my mind than at any other time. But that to was quickly diminishing as I got further from the events of the festival.

We know that stimulant drugs and psychoactive drugs have a cerebrally stimulating effect. There are studies that demonstrate that the mind is more active and acute while under different influences. Marijuanna, Nicotine, Cocaine, MDMA, etc. We also know however, that there are near degenerative effects to these substances if used over a period of time. The general consensus explaining this phenomenon revolves around the brains pleasure response mechanism. When we are doing something that intellectually validating and we combine it with an external chemical that causes a release of dopamine which is the neurotransmitter that enables focus and memory, we ar enhancing our minds capabilities to learn because we are flooding it excessive amounts of dopamine. However, over time, the body becomes reliant of external chemicals for the same dopamine release, self regulating as it is. Beyond that, the chemicals wheres away at our minds ability to producedopamine, eventually leading to a reduction in overall production, even while in the presence of the substance. If the substance is removed all together though, then the relative level of dopamine in the mind is comparatively less than a mind that has abstained, leading to the neurodegenerative process we've seen.

Certain substances cause such an elevated release of dopamine, that production is hampered for months or even years after use. MDMA is an example of a drug that produces this effect. While the research discussing the phenomena is heavily politicized, there is still evidence suggesting that MDMA at worst is neurotoxic and at best still cause a significant decline is available dopamine for sometime after use.

Knowing both of these facts, I began to consider what that dopamine drop would look like if it cooccured with high levels of oxytocin present in the mind, I.E. what if someone were in love and also released an immense amount of dopamine? Would the effects be even more drastic? Would they be noticeable? In a mind that was still demonstrating significant levels of neuroplasticity as an adolescent, could this lead to severe long term damage.

Before going further into detail, its also important to note that the effective of substance on the adolescent mind are well researched and documented. Long term substance problems are usually the result of adolescent consumption and that generally speaking is a result of an alteration to the reward mechanism inside of the brain. “The brain regions and neural processes that underlie addiction overlap extensively with those that support cognitive functions, including learning, memory, and reasoning. Drug activity in these regions and processes during early stages of abuse foster strong maladaptive associations between drug use and environmental stimuli that may underlie future cravings and drug-seeking behaviors.” (Gould) Gould’s paper elaborates on this in significantly more depth but in laymen's terms, while our brains would normally get hard wired to reward us with dopamine if we pursued altruistic behavior or things that were generally good for us, substance abuse in minors rewires the brain so those chemicals are released when the drug is present in the body. Learning, memory, and focus are all hampered as a result of this wiring and as such, instead of pursuing things that benefit our wellbeing, we pursue the drug.

This has many different implications, especially when considering the nature of focus in the recovering addicts mind. But prior to that, it also brings up a bevy of other questions. How many uses of substance are necessary to rewire the brains reward circuitry? What are the varying degrees of circuitry rewiring that exist; more to the point is there a way to create a spectrum for the varying degrees of learning deficiencies and rewiring behaviors? Can other chemicals that act of neural circuitry behave in a similar way: love, sugar, validating external mediums (social media for example). If so, or even if not, when this manifests in a person what is the actual psychological process and experience of deteriorated learning and focus look like? Is the process reversible to any degree? What is the method of reversing the cognitive deficit? And lastly, is there any way to ascertain a general time based on treatment behaviors?

I opened up this line of question because after reflecting on may experience, I do believe the co-occurence of love and MDMA in my system made me truly addicted to the presence and validation of a person. Realizing that the a-priori consideration of my mind, even when pursuing things I found generally enjoyable for two years post experience, was to try and validate it to this other, made me realize just how deep rooted this type of addiction could be. I will note that I did have experience with other substances prior to this point in my life, and as an adolescent, but they were minimal at best, and never as irreversible or as all consuming as this singular experience.

I have been completely clean of any substance (alcohol and tobacco included) for over three months now. I am emerging from a period of intense depression and anxiety and on a daily basis I still live with a mind that is fractured and quick to recall and past ill, grievance, misgiving, or yearn. But through a strict lifestyle of regular meditation, exercise, sobriety, and presence, I am making real headway in overcoming the anxiety behaviors. More-over, having spent the majority of the past year deeply researching mental disorder, anxiety, and depression in a functional sense, I feel like i understand the disease better than ever and what type of mental schemas and behaviors lead into it.

To preface a lot of what Ill be talking about, i believe that anxiety and depression are a result of biological traits, chemical presence, and behavior. That said, having been deep into the pit of both depression and anxiety, having lost all my mental faculties and general feelings of pleasure for the world, I dont think these feelings are permanent, or genetically predisposed to hamper you your entire life. Many people overcome these trying disorders, even with long family histories present with the condition or even after long periods of drug abuse.

I started writing when I became stricken with fear that I would never get my mind back, I would never achieve the intellectual or potential filled heights I could have prior to making the decisions I made, and I would never get over the addictions I faced (the girl and the substances that had destroyed my life). Im getting close to the other side though. I can see with clarity how it will happen. And Im going to articulate each step.

Im doing this so i can have a written record for myself more than anything. I want to know how I emerged from such a pit in case it ever happens again. As a result, this is one part journal, one part help guide. Sometimes the writing will be messy. Sometimes it will be more personal than universal; in those instances, ill try and qualify what I say. But know that I always write recognizing that each struggle with depression and anxiety is incredibly personal. The demons that haunt and pester us all have their own back stories; stories so powerful they would have to be lived to truly be understood. I will never pretend to understand them.

What I do understand is that there are shared characteristics between each experience. I also know there are shared characteristics revolving around many individual’s escapes. I am writing to those experiences. I want to make them understandable, digestible, human too. To regularly in medical writing, you feel depersonalized because its like a prescription bottle is talking to you, in that same sterilized, medical dialogue we expect from a droning oncologist. Not here.

And thats the last thing I understand and really, my point in writing this and giving you a little insight into what I’m thinking, how I’m thinking, and how it relates to my life. Im there with you. Not living your story, but desperately trying to escape a story that has some shared characteristics as your own. I hope we can help each other, grieve with each other, and overcome with each other. This is hell. We know it. This isn't what life should be or has been or could be. We also know that. And with that knowledge in our hearts, let us remind each other. Continually and eternally. And push each other in the direction of clarity and song.

Till next time,

Alex

#depression #anxiety #depression help #anxiety help #mental health #mental disorder #mentally ill #ill

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