#im just bad at sticking to it outside of the structure of being in an orchestra :p

[orcelito]

hey since i have access to all my phone's photos much more easily, check out my old violin

got it from my great uncle, who said it belonged to His grandpa. so we r looking at like 4 generations up here. he gave it to me in 2010 ish bc im the only person in the family that plays violin lol. & being in middle school, i named it Star :')

it still plays well, too! not my default for when i play bc i use my newer violin for that. but i still value her greatly

[blu-ish]

Sticks and Stones

LMAO MY FOOTS STILL BROKEN AND IM COPING OKAY-- *throws Sonadow fanfic*

When Sonic ends up with an injury that lands him partially bedridden, Shadow has to come to terms that he's maybe, just maybe, a little annoyed by the self-proclaimed hero's disappearance.

...

..

.

What was he doing?

Shadow stood frighteningly still on top of one of the hundreds of office buildings overlooking Station Square, he could've been easily mistaken for a statue if it wasn't for the nights cold breeze gently swaying his dark quills.

He supposed it was routine. Being released from G.U.Ns clutches at an ungaialy hour, drop off Rouge at her club which may or may not be directly connected to Team Darks apartment; unbeknownst to their landlord, and eventually take a walk that ends up with him on top of a steel structure.

So why did it feel so... off?

The hybrid tightly furrowed his brow, deep in thought.

That's why he came up here; to think, ponder, reflect. It felt, content enough in-between the noises of the city life below him. It reminded him of his first ever conscious moment's on the planet. Even if a little fuzzy, recalling how he could never quite stop looking at the vibrant hues.

But none we're in comparison to the beauty of the Earth itself.

The fauna, flora, each individual ecosystems fascinated him. The one's he and Maria would read about on the ARK didn't do it any justice. So much so that he would occasionally lose himself staring at a bird feeding their family, or the ripples of a nearby stream. It seemed forbidden, like a treasure he didn't deserve to see, but did anyways.

There we're always new places to discover, places Sonic would drag him too in the dead of night--

oh.

Sonic.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Sonic grumbled, lazily tossing his controller off to one side. Not even video games could entertain him anymore, all the character did was run around collecting things... it was like it was making fun of him.

It was late, but he couldn't sleep. How could he? He's been in his room for days. His left leg propped up on the pillow Tails got him, wrapped in itchy bandages that were taking all of his willpower not to rip off.

Bouncing his good leg up and down, Sonic felt so much pent up energy it nearly drove him mad. He needed to do something, anything besides just sitting laying here.

It's not like it hurt that bad anyways, he's been hit way harder than this--he figures. Besides, he had natural chaos energy running through his veins, he'd be back up and at it soon.

Not soon enough for him though...

....

He wouldn't admit it out loud, but any sort of injuries Sonic got delivered to his legs freaked him out. Maybe next to water but, everyone kinda knew that.. and tight spaces.

But this? This is different. It wasn't like he was being "contained" per say. He was physically unable to run. To escape. To just ENJOY the feeling, he felt...

vulnerable...

He shook his head, rubbing his temple. He really could use some fresh air, and to touch grass.

Sonic took a mental gamble in his head, figuring that if he was quick enough he could technically try going for a midnight walk, just for a bit.

Emerald eyes peered over to the foot of his racecar bed, where a boot made by a certain two Tailed fox laid. It was technically for waddling around the house with but he's sure it would function like a normal shoe--probably.

Doing the straps, and then redoing them again. He was satisfied, good enough he guessed. Gripping onto his sheets, he carefully set his foot down, trying to ignore the sudden pressure that shot up.

Sonic took a sharp breath.

He's fine... he's fine.

It was a long journey to the front door, he opted for that instead of his window escape due to a certain foot not cooperating with his master plan. Cringing at the loud creak the door made, he sighed, stepping outside.

His nose was greeted with the nights fresh breeze, instead of the cheeto puffs he's been smelling forever.

A smile escaped his lips, trying to suppress the urge to giggle too loud at how stupid of an idea this was. Too late to turn back now, and he wasn't looking back.

Besides it would probably take him until morning to waddle back to bed anyways. Night time adventure it is!

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

He must've really lost his mind now.

The agent couldn't tell you why he ended up skating into Green Hills, he wasn't too sure himself. But he supposed it was a nice change of scenery.

Shadow opted to sit next to a flower bed, examining each flower carefully, being sure not to crush any of them. There were so many different diverse species, they smelled lovely as well.

It must've been pretty shocking for any living organisms who observed the hedgehog from their nests or burrows, the Ultimate Life Form, stopping to smell the flowers.

His hand stopped near a blue orchid, it's bright blue petals curved behind it like a waterfall. While it's face pointed up towards the moon.

Shadow joined the flower, gazing up toward the heavenly rock.

"Did you know, they say the moon might have came from the very Earth?" He told the flower, that swayed in response.

"It reflects the light from our star, the sun, and watches over the Earth. ...Like it's shadow."

The flower might have lost interest, because it momentarily swayed away, Shadow huffed but without any real venom. "Well, excuse me."

"Are you talking to a flower?"

Shadows quills shot up, he quickly turned around to see a familiar blue hedgehog. Who was weirdly leaning his weight against a tree. Puzzled--and a bit embarrassed, Shadow stood up, dusting himself off. Trying to ignore the fact this is the first time he's seen Sonic in literal weeks.

"Sonic? what could you possibly want at this hour?" The hybrid crossed his arms, slowly regaining his usual composure, especially around Sonic of all people.

"To annoy you, obviously." Sonic winked, awkwardly shifting. Shadow tilted his head, gesturing to the other.

"Why are you doing that?"

"Doing what?"

"Tch, do not play games with me, your practically laying on that poor tree." Shadow stepped closer, attempting to figure this out himself. He noticed Sonics eyes grow wide, hiding himself behind the tree further. What on mobius?

"aH, UH-- I just really love nature ya know? Just showing it some appreciation!" He patted the tree for safe measure, maneuvering his way out of Shadow's sight.

If there's one thing that frustrated the hybrid to no end, was not being told the truth, being deceived, he was not a fool.

He growled, but stepped back. Resorting to rolling his eyes instead. "You are singlehandedly the strangest--"

Sonic screamed.

Shadow dashed behind the tree to swiftly catch him by the waist.

Shadow met Sonics teary green eyes, Shadow followed them until he was met with Sonic foot. Dirty ripped bandages covered it, and what seemed to be left of a boot was limply hanging off in straps.

"Sonic what the hell?!"

Sonic grinned, or tried to at least. He wrapped his arms around Shadow for support. "It's kinda a.." he winced "..long story.."

"So instead of telling me your injured right away you hide behind a fucking tree?" Shadow hesitantly lifted Sonic, he didn't think much about it in the moment. But lifting Sonic into a bridal carry was relatively easy.

"Dude, I don't know.. I just--" he was cut off by a growl, he could feel it rumbling in the others chest. "Shads I--"

Shadow didn't understand why he was so upset, there were most likely a whole list of reasons, he didn't really care, he just needed to get this stupid ass hedgehog home.

"I don't want to hear it, not now at least, I'm taking you back to Miles."

Sonic groaned, "He's gonna kill me Shads.."

"Better him than me."

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

It wouldn't be morning for a few more hours, the hedgehogs came to an agreement that Shadow would help Sonic patch himself up before the fox woke up. But only if Sonic agreed to tell him what happened.

How could he refuse?

Being carried by Shadow wasn't so bad, in fact, it was kinda nice. He could feel the wind in his quills just as if he was the one running. Closing his eyes, he let out a soft sigh. Gaia he was tired.

He could feel Shadows head tilt down to look at him, Sonic opened his eyes slightly to look. The moon shined brightly on him, the soft rays glimmering on darker quills. Sonic couldn't help but stare, just a little.

When they arrived, Sonic leaned forward to unlock the door. The pair stepped in, Shadows heavy air-shoes clicking slightly against the wooden floor.

After directing him to his room, Sonic was gingerly laid down on his bed. He could momentarily see Shadows confusion when they first walked into his room, his racecar bed was pretty cool.

"Bandages?"

"Drawer."

The agent searched Sonics messy drawers, voicing a mumbled complaint about the others organization skills. He returned from the kitchen shortly after with a washcloth, handing it to Sonic.

"I draw the line at cleaning your foot."

Sonic snorted, trying so hard not to wheeze out loud. "Gee, remind me to rate this doctors visit one star."

Rolling his eyes, Shadow worked on undoing the dirty bandages for Sonic. His brow furrowing at the wound.

"You broke your foot..."

Sonic stayed silent, humming in agreement as he gently pressed the washcloth on his foot, cleaning any debris. He bit down on the inside of his cheek, only letting out a breath when it really hurt. Shadow's ears fell a bit in concern.

"When did it...?"

"Five-ish weeks ago.. I think?" The hero sighed, grumbling. "It's stupid.."

Shadow leaned forward, as a sign for Sonic to continue as he started to rewrap his foot.

"Got into a rough fight with some of Eggman's bots.." he started, playing with the fabric on his glove. "After I wasted them all--naturally," he added with a smirk, it was short lived due to Shadows unimpressed look. "A huge chunk of robo butt fell on my left foot, I tried to walk it off but.. it hurt, really bad."

The other hummed, making sure the bandages were nice and neat before looking back at Sonic.

"And that's why you we're here?"

The blue blur shrugged, nodding. "Pretty much."

Shadow held a piece of Sonics boot, raising a brow. "And this is?"

"The remains of my dear friend, boot brace, it shall be missed." he sighed dramatically, "Tails is not gonna let me hear the end of that.."

The agent didn't even want to try to comprehend how careless the hedgehogs been.

Shadow sat on the foot of the bed, "You still didn't tell me what you were doing out, especially if your supposed to be healing."

Before Sonic could open his mouth Shadow cut him off, "don't even think about saying you were coming to visit me--"

"But what if I was--"

"Sonic."

Sonic raised his peach arms in surrender, "Alright, alright, I was getting SUPER bored, like MEGA ULTRA bored, so I planned a grand escape and just wanted to go on a walk..." his voice got quieter with every word, turning a bit away from the other hedgehog. He then mumbled the last part, and even with his advanced hearing, Shadow couldn't understand.

"What?"

Grumbling even more Sonic raised his voice, "I fell, okay?!" Coming out a little louder than he meant, but he didn't care at the moment, all of his emotions he's been suppressing for the past few weeks were rising whether he liked it or not.

"I tripped! ON A STICK! A stick took out Sonic the Hedgehog, hero of Mobius!" Shadow blinked, failing to understand why something like that warranted an outburst.

"But how did the boot--?"

"Slipped off and fell down into some stones at a bottom of a cliff.."

He regret asking. Why is he not suprised.

Sonic groaned, holding his head in his hands. "I don't know what I was thinking.. I probably hurt my foot even more now and I'm never gonna run again."

Now this surprised Shadow, he knew it was late, he knew the hedgehog was tired, but he's never heard the hedgehog feel so.. defeated?

Sonic smiled through everything, even in the face of certain death at times. It frustrated Shadow to no end, but fascinated him at the same time. Sonic was a never ending wild force that could never contained, as gentle as a breeze or as fierce as a tornado.

He couldn't stand him acting like this, it, annoyed him.

"Sonic, you broke a bone. It happens, it's not the end of the world." He wasn't the best at this whole, comfort, thing. But he'd try, anything to get Sonic back on his literal "feet".

"You don't understand.." Sonic bit back a hiss. "If I can't run, I can't help anybody.. If I'm not there, who knows what could happen. Running is who I am, Shadow, I cant--" he stopped, taking a breath while holding back the hot tears that wanted to run down his face. Like a dam about to break.

"It scares me..."

He paused.

"That you'd lose your purpose?"

Sonic hugged his good leg into himself, burying his face away from his rival. He nods.

"You don't really believe that, do you?" Shadow asks, now a bit closer to the blue hedgehog.

The other doesn't respond, so the hybrid continues.

"You don't need me to remind you Sonic, if fact, I'm probably the last person who should remind you." He hesitates putting his hand on the others shoulder, but he does anyways. Sonic looks up, ears still pinned to the back of his head. Shadow noticed how his quills fell back like waterfalls.

"You are a protector, a leader, a guardian, and.. a friend. To so many different people. You make connections even when they seem, impossible." He glances toward the window, the moon greeted him like an old friend, he couldn't help but smile. "Your speed is just an extension of that, it's something you enjoy, something you choose to use to help others."

Sonic uncurled himself, sniffling. He let himself fall into Shadows shoulder, holding his rival-- "friend", close. The darker hedgehog stiffened, but allowed it.

"I don't mind if we can't race or spar for a while, I will only compete against you at 100%. No less. Breaking your foot like a dumbass doesn't change that."

Sonic chuckled, "Your acting weirdly nice today Shads. You like me or something?"

Shadow grumbled, gently forcing the hedgehog off of him. "Goodnight."

"Wait," Sonic wheezed, "Aw dude, come on I'm teasing--"

Shadow stopped climbing outta the window half way, he scowled, looking back at the hedgehog on his stupid racecar bed.

Sonic smiled, a genuine one. "Thanks. For everything by the way."

Shadow felt a flush flood his face, but looked away and cleared his throat. "Of course, goodnight."

"Night."

Shadow, almost hesitated closing the window, he didn't know why. He peered through it once it was closed, to find a sleeping hedgehog on the other side. He smiled, and skated his way back to the city.

The moon, still high in the sky, continued to watch the Earth. And will always until the Earth is no more.

[dynamic-k]

hi im back home

after a 12 hour flight

in which my dad threw up

and i have 20 mosquito bites

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA-

Anyways, this has lead me to think:

Do they have planes in Stick City? (That is what the place is called, right?) Do any of the Becker siblings get car sick/plane sick/motion sick???

Wait are there other cities outside of Stick City? And if Stick City is named that because there are Sticks living in it does that mean other cities have other species???

Hold up- IMAGINE A HOLLOWHEAD CITY!!! It could be like- a Swap!AU of Super Sticks!! Like- hollowheads weren't the recessive gene and the Becker's are actually sticks?? EEEK

Also, is Stick City in the Outernet?? And if they have different worlds, would they have planets? Or areas of the web that are connected to each other with portals and stuff that count as different worlds?

Yeah I think you can tell I'm trying to make the Super Sticks and Spark AUs actually fit together.

WORLD-BUILDING IS SO HARD WHYY

i have some more questions but i think i should wait considering you've gone 2 camp or smth like that

It's funny, the moment I get back home you leave yours xd

aoshrflaouhdfpiuhdasfihsa jet lag lol

Have a nice day!!! :D And enjoy your camp!!

-R

ps if anything here is factually wrong and I've been rambling on about nothing actually true its cos i didn't bother to fact check it im lazy

Finally I have some time to answer this before the ask gets moldy-

:D Hi! Missed you! New ask yay!

-

Planes in Stick City? I never once thought about this, so here I am now thinking about it-

See this is why your asks are so helpful!! I get to world build by answering questions I hadn't thought about until right this moment- :3

-

I have decided that motion sickness is a thing that exists! Do with that what thou will. I think the hollowhead Beckers beloveds would be immune to normal motion sickness.

Red was already canonically prone to dizziness and motion sickness, hence the suppressants he'll get ahold of later in the plot when it comes up there's a minor issue with his teleporting armor. :>

[/proud-of-myself-for-casually-spoonfeeding-future-lore-to-everyone]

-

Stick City was just the fanon-wide accepted name for the Outernet city we see from time to time in canon, and when I was starting Arc One, it was the name on my brain so therefore, was used.

I suppose, it does make sense for there to be implications of a Lizard City or something-

I think Stick City is the capital of the Outernet. For the world of Super Sticks, I mean.

(Not for canon, because then that would be a really bad capital to have- You see how shabby everything seems, and how indifferent the sticks are and how small it appears, aside from the mass that is Rocket Corp-?! That's a city, but it ain't no capital-) (...Is this just how I see the canon city? Does- Does anyone else think this too-? ..Is it just me here-)

In SuperSticks, I would absolutely say Stick City is the capital, hence the name that focuses on the species known as sticks that take up 98% of the entire Outernet. And also my SuperSticks version of Stick City is a lot more industrialized and expanded, truly worthy of being considered a capital city. THE CAPITALLLLLL-

And any other neighboring cities of sticks would have different names, like, uh.. Circuit Town and.. maybe, uh... Conduction, by itself as a landmark something.

I want to spend hours of my time coming up with map accurate expansions and hyperspecfic names down to the restaurants of my imaginary Super Sticks Outernet world now-

-

There aren't planets, since the Outernet is virtual. There's basically world barriers at the edges, as I mentioned in a previous ask.

Also humans literally cannot travel to the Outernet, since it's virtual. Every stick figure is just tiny pieces of code to a human!

Can't canonically smash the very Human AU: The Spark, with the very code-structured heavy binary related stick figure society of Super Sticks, together. I need to author plot magic a portal and make a skit/non-canonical crossover.

XD

-

Now, portals that can go to different areas of the web? THAT could happen. :3

I think I'm wracking up Arc Three and Arc Four ideas, help-

[My brain works too fast, I literally just received a vague-ish idea of an extremely extensive webwide adventure in 4 to 8 seconds.]

....

HEHE Seconds-

-

:D

Thank you so much for the ask!!

[navy-leader]

Mildly losing my mind so im gonna talk about my AvA AU, Heaven's Underpass

Its essentially just a demon/angel au with some minor worldbuilding and slight altering of the already existing narrative (and lots of shipping...). It is by far Not comprehensive and merely done for fun so inconsistencies abound, sacrificed for self-indulgence

I made this AU before AvA6 came out and structured the initial timeline with what we had at the time so it branches off into different alternates ever since then

Anyways the story for the most part follows the actual AvA series with the added addition of them being some sort of divine or infernal entity. Chose started off as and angel but once Chosen was captured and enslaved by noogai he burnt off his wings and became a demon. Then AvA3 rolls around, another angel was created and tasked to take down Chosen, Dark. Though after Dark was defeated and accepted Chosen's hand in partnership her divinity slowly drained out of her as she becomes a fallen angel/demon, though she doesnt fully become one until AvA5.

Then comes The Second Coming, a deity that rivaled the power of the animator but was raised amongst mortals (The Color Gang) so they never found out of their divine nature until much later. Also Green was a guardian angel watching over RBY until he got his wings stolen by a demon and became mortal like them, aint all that bad though cause now they can actually get to know eachother! He still has that protective and caring nature from his time as a guardian and extends it towards Second when they came into the picture.

Purple intermission! Cause theyre the only other character outside of the AvA series that i put much thought into. Shes a demon who had stolen an angel's wings (wink) to reach some form of divinity. I havent really thought of her background all that much but i did entertain the idea that her parents are demons but them being a mix of angel and demon but leaning more into demon sounds more interesting and i feel adds a bit more to their character. I also had the thought that King was a mortal who had made a deal with the devil to achieve his goals, that demon being Purple. He has a lot of moral dilemmas just like canon Purple but made worse because of the everything 👍

Moving on, AvA5 happens and Second awakens their divine powers (though temporarily) and Dark gets blasted into the stratosphere and becomes a proper demon, but shes not dead! Somewhere down the line she met Purple in her weakened state and they bond over their moral dilemmas like good trauma bonding buddies should do, and Purple takes care of her as she recovers

Meanwhile something appears on the desktop as the color gang head home from the events of AvA5 and find,,, a demon hollowhead? They seem confused and absolutely terrified of the mouse cursor that belongs to the animator and attempts to attack it but was soon held down by the color gang and calmed down. After a brief introduction they find out this demon's name is victim. And then this essentially follows the AU i had for if victim came back, made before AvA6 came out. I discussed it in this post here.

Anyways Second and vic and Chosen get crazy gay with eachother in the end and Purple pulls up to the desktop with Dark in tow like "hi guys meet my girlfriend!" and Dark and Chosen look at eachother like "Shit. Thats my ex." but in the end they talk it out and agreed they should see other people and yayy happy times

And then AvA6 came out and uhh crushed everyone's headcanons and i couldnt be happier!!! And then i havent really figured out what to do with the AU timeline wise and im just having fun slapping wings and horns onto these sticks and bringing out the themes inside the story to be more visual and etc etc

Anyways goodnight

[biolums]

hiii hope ur well do u have. bl recs..i trust ur taste immensely 🫶🏾

HIIIIIII SORRY THIS IS SO LATE I WANTED TO HAVE TIME TO DO THIS AND NOT RUSH IT!!!!!

so first of all. i DO watch a lot of shitty bl its a past time i greatly enjoy BUT this will be a list of shows i recommend because theyre GOOD fjdjsjkfksjdkf also idk how much bl youve watched if any!! so if youve seen all of these i can and WILL rec more im just putting the ones i would recommend MOST rn

adding a keep reading. this is a bit long i apologize jfsiodjf

1. Bad Buddy (available on youtube)

WAGHHH this show changed me as a person… rivals to friends to lovers, romeo and juliet, secretly dating… its just sooooo good. its about pat and pran, who have lived next to each other their entire lives BUT their parents Hate each other. occurs mostly in college where they live across from each other now (sighs.. fated lovers…) AND their friend groups hate each other too. rivals 2x… however theyre forced to work together because the university is threatening punishment if the two groups dont stop fighting.

this show seriously is just SOOO good and i relate to pran on a personal level. both like… autistically and loving pat-ingly (ohm pawat.. whew hes Such a man)

2. Where Your Eyes Linger (available on viki? or dramacool if you want to pirate it lol)

OK a lot of people rate this kind of mid in kbls BUTTT its forever my favorite idc. its about a chaebol and his bodyguard who was essentially adopted by the family for the Sole purpose of being his bodyguard. set in high school and features just the most wonderful yearning and also for some reason they only have one bed in the apartment they share. goes into power structures and stuff a bit which i thought was cool :) basically the bodyguard has been in love with the chaebol his whole life but never acted on it because 1. thats not his place and 2. taejoo is Straight. he yearns quietly until Uh Oh… someone starts taking kang gook (the bodyguard)’s attention away from taejoo and he gets jealous.

3. I Told Sunset About You (available on viki. i watched it on dramacool)

AUOGGH.. this show will tear you into pieces. its just such a BEAUTIFUL and cinematic experience i love it so much… notable things to mention: features cheating and an obscene amount of crying. i love this show but i cannot do crying scenes. it was a struggle fjsjdjfjdjdjf anyways this show is about two childhood friends who are now rivals. theyre trying to get into college and taking classes outside of school to prepare, where they meet each other for the first time in quite a few years. teh is insanely jealous of oh aew for being popular amongst other things and it causes a lot of. tension. teh has a girl hes been flirting with for years and oh aew has a guy he likes but they both feel an INTENSE pull to each other. one that isnt easy on their relationships or theirselves.

OH!!! also this show features a ton of thai-chinese culture and is set in phuket as opposed to almost every other thai show being set in bangkok.

also i dont recommend the sequel. i havent watched it but it has some. problematic tropes that leave a bad taste in my mouth. also just destroys the characters! idk thats just my opinion though im sure SOMEONE likes that show..

4. Until We Meet Again (available on youtube)

ok. first of all. this show is about the red string of fate and reincarnated lovers. im warning you now that it literally starts with a double suicide scene and its. its a lot. HOWEVER. i do really like this show!! its sweet and does justice to both its trope and the couple who commit suicide. basically pharm, a stick of a guy who experiences panic attacks and nightmares that he cant explain, enters college and meets dean, the captain of the swim team. they both definitely know something is up and have feelings for each other but they have to navigate flashbacks and discovering what happened to their past selves (in and korn). ALSO has a side couple whos show is currently airing!!!! im not putting between us on here since its still airing but i do recommend it :)

ugh second warning. this show ALSO has soooo much crying……….

5. Gaya Sa Pelikula (available on youtube)

when i say this show changed me as a person.... god i genuinely have sooooooooooooo many emotions about this show. it follows karl, an architecture student. he moves into his apartment and.. some guy runs in and puts a hand over his mouth and tells him to be quiet. No he is not getting robbed but he doesn't know that. QUEUE fake dating and cohabitation to appease vlad (the guy who ran in)'s sister. genuinely has some of the best most incredible characters ever made and features incredible depictions of internalized homophobia and struggling to live your own life rather than the one someone else made for you. god just thinking about this show is makingme emotional i miss karl and vlad :(

i think this show was supposed to have a season two but something happened with the cast/production crew (im pretty sure it was SA but im not sure) and so theres no sequel. it has a cliffhanger/bittersweet ending but genuinely i think that shouldnt impact whether or not someone watches because its sad YES but its just actually such a good ending and i would have hated if they ended it another way. one of the realest and most human shows ive watched. the BEST depiction of the gay experience ive ever seen. genuinely please watch this show just for that it made me cry and laugh and sob and giggle with how nuanced and thoughtful it is about gayness

6. cherry magic (ITS AVAILABLE ON CRUNCHYROLL??? i watched it on dramacool. lmao)

AHHHHHHHHHHHHH the movie sequel just came out and i haven't seen it yet but im soooo excited for it. cherry magic is one of the most endearing shows but it doesn't sacrifice character development or plot for cuteness. the premise is that when you turn 30, and youre still a virgin, you turn into a mind reader. which is a big premise to sell i KNOW. but they NAIL IT. adachi (the mindreader) is introverted, insecure, and uncomfortable in his skin, but his new powers force him to come to terms with himself and exist as a person. he avoids touch as much as possible as everyones thoughts can be A Lot BUT he brushes against the office hottie/mvp and finds out that he (kurosawa) has a crush on HIM. adachi doesnt understand but tries to figure out why this incredible guy could love a shy and awkward person like him. features an aroace side character and a side couple i ignored (save for the cat. udon lovers unite) its just such a sweet but powerful show and i love the characters so much :((((

7. hes coming to me (available on youtube)

OHM PAWATS BACK IM SORRY HES JUST MY FAV AND ALSO THE BEST ACTOR EVER. anyways this show has SUCH a soft place in my heart i truly think its such a special show. its about a ghost who is never visited at his grave and therefore cant pass on and a guy who can see ghosts. Thun has seen ghosts for most of his life but he hasn't really talked to any. Mes has been dead for awhile and longs to have someone SEE him and TALK to him. when thun is a kid, he sees mes and leaves him some offerings. but he doesn't return for a very long time. thuns now a college kid and when he returns to the graveyard, he finally talks to mes and they click. from there, they work together to figure out how mes died to try and help his spirit move on, but develop feelings along the way. has the most HEARTBREAKING coming out scene ever. ohm pawat seriously deserves so many awards. ALSO has a lot of thai-chinese culture!!

i have mixed feelings about the ending. its complicated i like it and i dont like it.. if you watch it youll see what i mean sdfhsoidfjsido

OIADJOASI:JDOIS IM STOPPING HERE THIS IS SO LONGIM SORRY LET ME KNOW IF YOU WANT MORE I JUST DONT WANT TO MAKE THIS NOVEL LENGTH IOJF:SDIJSDOI:JIOD

OMG EDITING TO SAY THAT GAP THE SERIES IS A GL CURRENTLY AIRING THAT I SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO RECOMMEND AS WELL!!!!!!! we stan the autistic queen sam is and mon whos just doing her best in a lesbian world. without knowing shes a lesbian. Somehow

[cenviswasteland]

Who are Freyvay? You've tagged them in a bunch of your posts and from what I've seen I love their dynamic lol

jesus okay. alright. howdy. hi. my name is juno orion and im a writer. there's like a 90% chance that you, anon, are not real (as in youre one of my friends masquerading as an anon) or you have forgotten that you asked this entirely. i do not care. i am answering this now because im feeling insane.

in the interest of mobile users, im gonna cut this post here. under the cut you will find the ramblings of a fucking madman. cowabunga.

--the cut is here--

howdy again. thanks for clicking a button, let's get into it.

So there's two people involved in FreyVay, as any good ship should be. I'll just yap about them as individuals in name order.

Frey Lovelace

(yes this is my art. no i am not a good artist.)

male, 6'1

black hair blue eyes tanned skin etc

age range: 19 to 27-ish (im not good at math) (also it really depends on the story dont question it too hard)

current job: defense attorney

previous job: college student (this is how he met vay)

going to college for: polisci / history / law (this will make sense in a minute)

fun facts: smokes weed, easy going, has massive bazongas

main color: blue

his dad (alexander lovelace) is a lawyer, frey is basically a born ace attorney [in one universe, he cupped the balls of a statue of the god of law and said god of law was like "hell yeah brother" and blessed him with super-law powers], and also he is the womanizer ever. note the hickeys and bitemarks.

Valence Haiz

(please ignore the part that says "turnabout lawyer". i will explain later)

male, 5'11

blonde hair, gray eyes, pale skin, etc

age range: 18 to 26-ish (again i am not a math guy)

current job: CEO of a medical research monopoly, also politician

previous jobs: prosecutor, and before that, college student

going to college for: polisci / psychology / business / law

fun facts: very academic, stick up his ass, a special flavor of emotionally constipated (grew up rich and pressured)

main color: red

valence was born with a silver spoon in his mouth, and he was expected [read: pressured] to do "great things" by his father (David Haiz), make his family proud, etc etc. he was interested in law, decided to go to school for it, all that. he would later inherit his grandfather's (Aldier Kamp) medical research company and pursue a career in politics to be like his father.

--this line is intentionally left blank--

okay, we're gonna do the rest of this like im doing an interview because it's the only way i know how to structure things. let's go!

So, how do these bozos meet?

easy: college. they both attend (fictional) school Pennick University, which offers an accelerated course of study that can make a person a lawyer with just a bachelor's degree.

[note: in case you can't tell, your author is a complete and total Ace Attorney nerd. this is AA logic. just go with it.]

frey and valence end up being random roommates in their first year. by some miracle, they actually go from just "roommates" to "person i tolerate and talk to outside sometimes".

Why ship them?

my sibling in starclan they ship themselves.

after the two of them become friends, talk regularly, etc etc, frey finds himself falling hard. like, head-over-heels ass-over-teakettle hard. while registering for spring classes in his second year, frey quite literally changes his major because valence has helped him realize this talent he has for law and polisci.

i think if anything, this excerpt from my aSiP series bible says it best, at least from frey's POV:

It’s not theory or subtext or conjecture anymore. Frey Lovelace is just… in love with Valence Haiz. Hopelessly. Helplessly. He probably didn't realize it until he was switching his major, too.

He’s in love with Valence. The real Valence.

The Valence that turns his head away when Frey cracks a bad joke. The Valence that stays up late to get work done, only to end up watching reruns of House and Criminal Minds with Frey. The Valence that lets his eyes sparkle when Frey asks about how his psychology research is going.  The Valence that’s a natural at public speaking. The Valence that could pull speeches out of thin air. The Valence that makes elaborate PowerPoints before every presentation.

The Valence that will entertain Frey’s contrarian need to be the opposing side in every debate. The Valence that lights up when he gets Frey backed into a metaphorical corner. The Valence that makes sassy and snarky comments between pages of a novel. The Valence that complains in the margins of his textbooks. The Valence that sends Frey letters over break. The Valence that encloses pictures of the places he visits or the art he’s seen in museums.

The Valence that went to Waffle House at 11 PM with Frey after their last final of the semester. The Valence that takes his coffee with a mountain of creamer and his waffles with chocolate chips and strawberries. The Valence that threw an orange in Frey’s face after Frey came home soaked from the rain. The Valence that made him stand in the hallway until he ate the orange. The Valence that said “I don’t want you getting me sick.” The Valence that cares. The Valence that allows himself to be vulnerable. The Valence that isn’t trying to put up a front.

The Valence that’s real.

-- just... just let that soak in for a sec. i don't have anything to add, just let it marinate. --

God, that's sickeningly sweet, but I'm not into all that sappy stuff.

don't worry, it's not all sunshine and rainbows! in fact, it's a special kind of hell from valence's POV.

because to him, frey is infuriating. while valence had to claw a path to any kind of respect, dignity, or even to have anyone look his way, frey just gets it naturally. from an outsider's perspective, he's damn near perfect at the law practice, he never studies anything, he can go and screw around (literally and figuratively) all day and come back with perfect marks on tests and quizzes, and he's having the time of his life in college.

meanwhile, valence is struggling with multiple flavors of his own sexuality, insane mental health problems, self-image / worth issues, and, again, the strange pressure of having everything at your fingertips but never feeling like you've done enough to deserve it.

please accept another excerpt, this time from my aSiP draft:

[note: contains references to sexual content, alcohol and weed. skip to next bracket to avoid.]

April 10th – 1:43 A.M.

Lovelace operates like an animal. It wouldn’t be an issue if it were simply in his habits, but habits will force themselves into the way one conducts himself in conversation. Lovelace has no manners, poise, or elegance. He says every thought that forms in his brain without pausing to think about the implications or the consequences. I make a point to avoid empty, dull-witted debates, and yet he just keeps pulling me in over and over again. He makes a fine acquaintance, but I would never consider taking it further. He takes far too many partners as it is.

Even so, last night I found myself in a wine-drunk stupor, kissing him like I needed his air more than my own. Lovelace kisses with tongue and teeth, in the same blunt fashion with which he does everything. He tasted like burnt herbs. Neither of us seemed to have the good sense to stop, and so we kept pushing the boundaries. He seemed so intent to stake his claim, to force me into the mattress, to take what he believed was his.

I felt as though I couldn’t take in my own air. There was something horrible in the way his weight felt on top of me. I distinctly remember enjoying myself. I can’t imagine how. I have no interest in being his. I have no interest in his lips. I never did, even when they were against my skin. I know I was drunk. He was drunk, too. He was drunk and high. He was worse than I was. He still had the common sense to ask me if I wanted it. We could have stopped. Even impaired, he would have stopped. We hadn’t lost all our wits.

He asked me if I wanted it. I told him yes. Was I lying? I can’t remember my own tone. Should I be angry? Did he lie to me? There’s no point in anger, is there? I feel ill. Am I fooling myself? Should we have stopped? I didn’t stop him. He didn’t stop me.

I don’t even know if I wanted to stop.

[end warning section. welcome back.]

again, i'm not gonna say anything here. just sit and process.

Okay, so what's aSiP? And Turnabout Lawyer?

they're two sides of the same coin! both are longform FreyVay-centric projects that i'm actively writing.

a study in purple (or aSiP) is a valence POV work that goes through his side of the Pennick University experience. it was originally a piece i wrote for my creative writing class last semester (spring 2024).

Turnabout Lawyer (or TL, or Burden of Proof) is a frey POV work that goes through his side of the PennU experience. it was originally an idea for a visual novel, which i then converted to a screenplay pilot episode for my screenwriting class last semester (spring 2024).

yes, there's intense and serious cognitive dissonance between their experiences. that is on purpose. i will absolutely be providing project updates if this post even gets one (1) note.

Surely it doesn't end after they graduate...?

you bet your shiny boots it doesn't! but i'll be damned if i keep this post going for longer, so for everyone's sanity i have to call it here. i'll make a follow-up post about freyvay after graduation. they go through a lot of changes... but that will have to be for another day.

Wait! I want FreyVay content and I want it now!!

Well, lucky for you, I am the soul owner and participator in FreyVay week, which is happening right the fuck now! No one knew about it other than my bestie westie pesties, and that's perfectly fine to me! I will be posting my silly little FreyVay fics here anyway!!! In fact, I'll be posting the Day One fic immediately after this post, so read away to your heart's content!

The full schedule is here for your perusing pleasure:

---

thank you ever so much for reading all this yappery! i love blah blah blahing about my goofy little guys. please stand by for more freyvay content directly on your timeline as if you are a baby bird.

peace, love, little donuts, etc etc.

[queensconquest]

@safaerax​​ said: It hurt. He had felt the drift between them grow larger as the days went on, he wasn’t himself, he wasn’t who he used to be and he couldn’t take the way Feng Xin was looking at him now. Was it so bad? What he had done? He was so tired… they wouldn’t have missed it. They needed this money, they needed this food… they needed it so was it really bad?

Despite reason, he couldn’t help but feel guilty for it. His heart felt like it was being torn into pieces, and he could sense the fear in him that Feng Xin was at his limit. His eyes fall from his gaze, he couldn’t look at him anymore. He could feel the structure of what they had crumbling to the ground. Much like he watched the people tear down his statues and set fire to his kingdom, he would watch as this too toppled to the ground.

‘Don’t follow me then’ the words came out quietly, as though even he was still wondering if they were the right thing to say. Feng Xin’s voice couldn’t have been more in shock and xie lian knew now that it was for the better. He had caused all of this, this was his fault. My Qing had been right about leaving, why should they suffer along with him? Forever was a childish dream he had created in his heart and now his heart was broken.

‘Don’t follow me anymore’ his words came out stronger, his gaze still unable to meet Feng Xin’s. He couldn’t.. if he did he was sure he would take it back. Feng xin would have wanted to leave anyway, maybe he already did. Xie Lian was saving him the trouble of doing it himself. He was sure of it. Why would we want to serve him? He who was no longer that beloved prince and god who very much orbited around his very heart. He wasn’t that person anymore. He was gone.

“Go.” // IM SORRY FDJISIS IT WOUODNT LEAVE ME ;-;

  “  W-what  ?  “

   Feng  Xin  stared  in  shock  as  he  listened  to  those  words  from  Xie  Lian  who  refused  to  meet  his  eyes.  No  matter  how  he  tried  to  look  at  it  ,  he  had  not  misheard  them.  He  couldn’t  do  anything  as  he  watched  the  bedroom  door  slam  shut  in  his  face.  In  the  other  room  ,  that  pile  of  stolen  treasure  sat  like  a  fatal  wound.  It  stood  proud  ,  like  a  sword  sticking  out  of  the  chest  of  a  dying  soldier  on  the  battlefield.

  He  had  always  been  proud  of  who  he  was.  Feng  Xin  had  snarled  at  Mu  Qing  that  no  matter  where  he  stood  ,  high  or  low  ,  his  morals  would  not  change.  And  Feng  Xin  had  proven  that.  No  matter  how  many  days  he  struggled  ,  no  matter  how  many  days  and  nights  he  went  without  food  even  after  spending  the  morning  light  to  the  dying  light  of  day  busking  ,  he  never  once  thought  of  stealing  or  robbing.  Like  the  former  king  ,  he  stayed  true  to  himself  even  deep  in  the  mud.

   Feng  Xin  had  tried  so  hard  to  carry  all  the  burdens  himself.  He  tried  to  soldier  the  worst  tasks  and  make  life  even  a  bit  easier  for  the  royal  family.  He  tried  to  care  for  the  king  and  queen  despite  knowing  nothing  of  house  care  or  caring  outside  of  protecting  and  fighting.  No  matter  how  exhausted  he  was  ,  he  worked  ,  cared  ,  struggled  when  Xie  Lian  had  disappeared.  He  gave  them  all  he  could  ,  forgoed  meals  so  they  could  eat   or  Xie  Lian  could.  He  never  complained  ,  he  never  regretted  his  decisions.   It wasn’t enough.

   HE  wasn’t  enough.

   At  first  he  had  thought  it  was  just  a  pained  suggestion  ,  but  then  the  words  came  out  again  ,  this  time  stronger  than  before  -  an  ORDER.  An  order  to  not  follow  him  anymore.  And  why  wouldn’t  Xie  Lian  order  him  away  ?  He  wasn’t  enough.  He  tried  and  tried  but  it  wasn’t  enough.  He  couldn’t  take  away  the  pain  or  hunger  ,  he  couldn’t  stop  the  king’s  cough  or  stop  White  No-Faace  from  showing  up  for  Xie  Lian  regardless  of  if  he  was  real  or  not.  Feng  Xin  had  failed.  He  was  just  another  mouth  here  to  feed.  He  was a   reminder  ,  with  the  cuts  and  bruises  that  decorated  sun-kissed  skin  ,  the  way  the  hunger  had  gnawed  away  at  his  body.

    Dull  eyes  stared  forwards  as  his  mind  struggled  to  comprehend  what  had  and  was  happening.  He  wasn’t  sure  how  long  he  stood  there  at  that  closed  door.  Maybe  an  hour  before  he  decided  to  speak  ,  ready  to  yell  at  him  to  eat  and  sleep  and  they’d  deal  with  this  all  later.  He  could  return  the  stolen  goods.  It  would  all  be  fine.   Feng  Xin  raised  his  hand  only  to  stare  at  his  hand  as  it  shook  like  a  building  in  an  earthquake.

   Feng  Xin  had  already  been  kicked  in  the  face  by  people  he  cared  about.  And  now  it  was  Xie  Lian  doing  it  to  him.  Kicking  him  down  and  telling  him  to  leave  because  what  worth  was a  bodyguard  who  failed  ?  But  if  this  was  what  Xie  Lian  wanted...if  it  would  somehow  help  Xie  Lian  ,  or  make  it  easier  ,  who  was  he  to  disobey  ?  It  didn’t  matter  if  Feng  Xin  was  reaching  into  his  own  chest  and  hacking  out  his  own  heart  ,  laying  it  down  for  Xie  Lian  to  crush  if  he  wanted  or  for  Xie  Lian  to  order  him  to  crush  his  own  heart  himself.  If  it  made  Xie  Lian  happy  ,  if  it  was  what  he  wanted ,  Feng  Xin  would  do  it  again  and  again  and  again.  He’d  keep  those  dying  wails  and  tears  and  pleas  of  don’t  do  this  to  me  locked  deep  inside  his  chest.  He’d  obey  ,  destroy  his  own  heart  however  many  times  it  took  to  make  Xie  Lian  happy.  He  could  at  least  do  this  for  Xie  Lian  if  nothing  else.

   Three  hours  later  ,  Feng  Xin  was  pressing  the  last  of  his  money  into  the  queen’s  shaking  hands.  He  stared  at  the  ground  ,  unable  to  meet  her  teary  eyes  and  confused  words  until  he’d  explained  Xie  Lian’s  last  order  to  him.  The  king  seemed  upset  ,  but  he  didn’t  protest  or  try  to  stop  him.  In  that  way  they  were  similar  ,  despite  how  far  they  had  fallen  ,  both  were  men  proud  of  their  former  .ways.  He  gave  them  the  last  of  his  robes  ,  every  scrap  and  piece  he  had  that  could  be  pawned  for  money.  The  only  things  he  didn’t  were  his  bow  and  arrows  and  the  medal  from  his  day  of  being  chosen  as  an  imperial  bodyguard  to  Xie  Lian.  His  proudest  day.  He  would  have  given  even  that  if  it’d  have  been  worth  any  money  ,  but  it  only  would  have  endangered  them.

   Dull  amber  eyes  slid  back  towards  Xie  Lian’s  bedroom  door.  There  hadn’t  been  a  single  noise  from  the  room  despite  how  desperately  he’d  pleaded  to  anything  listening  that  Xie  Lian  might  come  out  and  retract  his  words.  Maybe  he  was  asleep.  Maybe  he  was  waiting  for  Feng  Xin  to  actually  leave.

   “  I’m  sorry  I  failed  you  ,  Your  Highness.  “  He  whispered  the  words  ,  uncertain  if  Xie  Lian  would  hear  it.  He  ignored  the  pained  looks  of  the  king  and  queen  to  stare  at  the  door  a  few  seconds  longer.  But  Xie  Lian  never  emerged  ,  and  Feng  XIn  slowly  turned  away  to  obey  his  last  order.  (  A  decision  he  would  hate  himself  for  for centuries  )

  He  had  nowhere  to  go.  He  had  no  one.  Xie  Lian  had  been  and  was  his  whole  world.  Feng  Xin  never  lived  his  life  for  himself.  Even  now  ,  this  was  to  make  and  hope  that  it  somehow  made  Xie  Lian  happy  ,  that  it  made  life  easier  for  them.  Every  step  away  from  the  house  was  like  destroying  himself  again  and  again  ,  but  he  kept  every  scream  inside  as  he  wandered  into  a  world  and  places  that  were  so  far  from  where  he  was  supposed  to  be.  A  piece  of  debris  drifting  through  space  now  that  its  star  was  gone.

[vaguely-concerned]

The Mandalorian Chapter 15 reactions; *nobby nobbs voice* ‘s all gone a bit percychological, sir

 - so from both chapter 6 and now this: rick famuyiwa is incredible at portraying prolonged discomfort and tension (and also at getting din’s endless love for that baby across through the stress of being separated from him. this is the very first episode with no baby in it at all, isn’t it? wow that’s a heartbreaking milestone to reach im crying)

I liked this episode SO MUCH but I had to pause it pretty often and take a breather because it all made me so viscerally uncomfortable on din’s behalf -- not just the armour and having to take the helmet off and be seen for the (almost, ilu IG-11) first time in decades, people keep touching him in this episode when he clearly doesn’t want them to but can’t stop it and it makes me want to claw my own skin off in sympathy, it’s so awful. that’s really neat film making to manage to keep that tension steady almost all the way through!!! 

honestly this episode felt a little bit like psychological horror, with the cheering storm troopers and din in the wrong armour and clearly not digging it and there’s the palpable absence of baby and that ever present dread of being Perceived when you’re not ready for it; everything’s turned upside down from how it should be. and it’s playing with that discomfort both in the main character and in us, the audience, in having the familiar be made unfamiliar and also introducing these questions that shake up everything (that feeling you get of ‘but... if it’s not the helmet, and not the armour, but there’s his face, but we’ve only seen that face once before so it’s still basically new to us, is this... is this still him. is this still Dad’ (oooh I wonder if we’re... sort of getting some of the ??? the baby would be feeling about it too?) we’ve all imprinted on that t-shaped visor like little baby birds, and this was a very clever episode to break us out of that and start to really get used to the thought of him having several faces that are real simultaneously, in a way, and not just a voice. it’s all very smart and interesting and I’m sure I’ll have a lot of incoherent thoughts about this in the weeks to come lol)    

- the actual reason din can’t take off the helmet is that if people were able to see his wide confused puppy eyes they would no longer find it in themselves to send him on long arduous side missions and would help him immediately just so he’d feel better, and that would rob us of like 80% of the content for this show 

mayfeld in this episode: clearly a casualty of this. he literally sees one glimpse of the vulnerability there and then within five seconds goes on to materialize a few redeeming character traits after being a complete jackass for an episode and a half. (I mean. he was 100% still an imperial so I’m a bit ‘hm.’ about how easily especially cara let him off the hook, but with the way it was set up I guess it would have been quite shitty of them to just throw him back in prison so I mean I GUESS. I would be endlessly grateful someone got my awkward bff out of there alive and well too I suppose)

- I actually think din’s sense/integrity of self has gotten so much stronger and more resilient (though probably still quite fragile pls handle with care precious cargo within); if this had happened in the first season I think it might honestly just have killed him (and if it weren’t for IG-11 it probably would have lol)

- can you beLIEVE din is so bad at lying that they literally should plan for contingencies over it fjkasdlhfskajdhfsdj     

- very grateful for the scene with the spear throw that’s basically there to reassure us ‘uh-huh, he absolutely knows how to use it, don’t worry about that part at least’

I want to make a whole post about that fight scene, though, it’s just so GOOD! there’s so much storytelling and characterization in it! even out of the armour din has some real hand to hand MOVES!! he clearly came out of that aching all over, he can barely get back in his seat!!!

- so what I’m mainly taking away from this is that din absolutely cuts his own hair and you know what? he does a good job considering the conditions he has to work under, I love him  

I still find it so goddamn darling that he meticulously maintains that little mustache/stubble combo under there even when there’s every reason to believe no one will ever see it 

I suppose we can also gather that he did not ask cobb about whatever insane feat of magic he’s come up with to avoid helmet hair, but I don’t care looking a bit frazzled and tousled is exactly right for him (he’s so put together when he’s in the armour and a MESS when he’s out of it and I  l o v e  it) 

- boba fett is honestly so fucking hot in this I don’t know what to do with myself haha. he’s so CALM and CALCULATED and COLLECTED in his newly painted armour and he’s GOT THIS and he made that ‘I’ve got one of those faces. one of jango’s many, many, many faces’ joke and he’s so thicc now, he looks like he could easily lift me over his head with one hand and he’s just quietly steady and undramatically supportive and sdalfhsdjhfsa 

- ...din does know who the clone troopers were, right. I mean of course he does. he has to. but does he though. I’m sure he does and just wasn’t thinking. 

- no matter how stressful it was I’m still really grateful that in the end taking the helmet off was something din got to do himself -- it’s under some duress, but it’s still his choice and for the sake of the baby, and almost in two more manageable steps between putting on the storm trooper gear for a different helmet before taking it off altogether. it’s not something done to him by gideon, for example, that would be. so much yuckier and worse. he still has that control and agency intact, even if it’s been tested really hard, and now gideon doing that doesn’t hold the exact same nightmarish power anymore because there’s already a little space opened in din’s mind for different things it can mean, if you see what I mean. I’m not sure I see what I mean actually I just have a lot of feelings haha. so I guess thank you mayfeld for being decent about it and helping him towards that realization that he can still be himself outside these really really inflexible structures he’s set up around himself for like. stability and keeping himself upright for a really long time, and that even someone halfway decent won’t disrespect the boundaries he still has about it at any given moment. man there’s a lot in this episode isn’t there

- the sigh din gave when he saw even more pirates coming and knew he had to get back up... never has a single moment in cinema better captured how I feel about being alive. most relatable man in the world din djarin

- it was really cruel of them to make me listen to din’s dead bleak voice say ‘the child is gone’ again, it wrecks my heart every goddamn time 

- again... I wish carano wasn’t Like That in real life because the cara & fennec scenes should have been everything I could ever dream. ah well fennec was still wonderful and if I just allow myself to think in-universe for a few seconds it was really touching that din would entrust cara with his entire armour, that’s some prime BrOTP energy right there

I love that we got two female characters who were just allies and working together, no competition or nothin’. listen the bar is low but it’s nice to see something actually leap gracefully over it as well lol

- this was one of those with some pretty big open plot holes (why, exactly, would a scan of a completely unknown face be helpful to get into this classified system lol), but a) I don’t care, the emotional storyline was so sound it doesn’t really matter and b) eh handwave handwave let’s say mayfeld programmed that little stick with the good shit and overrode the code saying there needed to be an identity match within the system, it’s all fine 

- I know I joke a lot about this but din really is one of the most relatable characters I’ve ever had. just watching him struggle with eye contact and going pretty much nonverbal under enough stress is like. wow a bit close to home there could we, perhaps, nOT?? (honestly though these are trauma/anxiety things I really don’t see portrayed a lot, especially in protagonists, it’s so odd but healing to see it in a character I love and who’s EXTREMELY competent in many other settings)

- din repeating gideon’s speech back to him word for word (except for the crucial detail that he calls grogu ‘him’ instead of ‘it’ 😭😭😭) and saying nothing else is truly Everything. I’ve said some stuff about din’s deliberate and thoughtful relationship to language in the past and this is such an amazing example of it; he’s remembered that pitch perfect all this time, he’s kept it around in his head and mulled it over and then redeployed it to change the meaning of it completely from dehumanization to love. can you. can you even imagine. and it’s yet another example of his hilarious wonderful petty streak and I can never get enough of it fasjhdfkjalhs    

- din always noticing the children first and foremost Y_______Y (the kids running by is the only thing you see him sort of acknowledge when he’s walking into the covert in season 1 too)  

- please... please I just need him to be able to hold that baby against his chest all safe and sound and okay again I can’t it’s........ hh

NO SEASON END CLIFF HANGER ON THIS I AM  B E G G I N G  YOU 

- I would be having some thoughts about how much space there actually is on slave 1 and what that might mean (do not kill boba again please don’t kill him again), but honestly there’s only ‘GET BABY’ hours in here now, I can’t speculate about anything

[misterbitches]

hi @yeedak thank you so m uch for replying with what you did. YAY ADHD!!!!! ur partner sounds like she rocks >:)  as do u

i found it really illuminating and i agree with all of it. and god as much as i understand reticence when black people are interracially dating (it is so hard) i also hate it when people dictate it and also to a degree that it makes it extremely uncomfortable for the person themselves. to me it really is about a sense of control particularly if you are a woman. constantly trying to pick someone’s life partner for them instead of letting them find out if it’s a) something they want or even want to do b) something they can handle and c) their experience. it can purely cultural as well. my mom is a black american but my father is nigerian and that was basically a sin. however my father’s siblings? the women who had to marry extremely quickly and had to be with nigerian men or at the very least african? divorced. because they had to clamor for love for approval, pop out babies, and look what that got them. i totally understand you and  your mother. and you’re right about all of it.

the idea of a man whore is so funny to me too because it’s not about sexual liberation it’s literally about them wanting to use people as disposable which is why sexual liberation for women as well can be confusing. but all of this isn’t so we can develop our own imaginations and find out our own inhibitions. like you said in all of it and i found this part very very interesting and true, “youth is for sex and no mention of asexuality.” when you get older you are not sexual, when you are a child you are unsure about it, but there’s a time in our lives where we shouldn’t waste it, where it’s only acceptable in that window, where it’s dictated. tangentially i think it’s very funny that the people we sleep with also become a point of pride. let’s say if he is a man (as a bisexual~**~ gorl) but he’s ugly, i should be ashamed, too?

so much boxing in and pushing and dictating. they really are here to spread a message. and i know things ar ehard. i can believe people ask you that but it’s still so.....weird? i remember saying something about my sexuality once and it’s not like i knew the people but then they started asking me questions and i honestly felt embarrassed and like an outsider. i dunno.

and your analogy of a mirror was perfect woaaaaaaah that’s what im gonna say now thank you so much credit to you. gENIUS!!! as real life changes, what we see changes. but media doesnt come first.

also totally agree about watching what people consume and not falling into those patterns. and when “bad” things are shown i do not understand why shows are so scared to show them as they are or not romanticize. a real issue to introduce when it comes to age gaps would be why it is frequent in the lgbtq+ community. that is a real thing because when you have to hide yourself of course you can be stuck in a state of arrested development and trying to re-establish times you may never have. that’s a geniuine fear and concern, it’s understandable even if i don’t particularly care for it, but it’s like for these writeres there’s no reason to look deeply or put that into their story. so why are they doing it? and what is the message here? uGH. and what ur mother said makes so much sense we are just constantly absorbing all these messages and culture absolutely aids to it and you’re right about the generations. and sometimes things stop and start but i genuinely think (and know) that for us to continue forward and not have the constant backwards taht means we have to push to get there and demand and that also means we have to make an effort to end the harm we then see on screen. rape culture dictates these shows. it relies on it. it is disgusting but rape culture is the norm, the norm is the oppression so we have to attack it otherwise it sticks and htat’s exactly why we see what we see.

and the unacceptability of gender fluidity is what keeps the genre SO INFLEXIBLE sincerely. it honestly just pulls so heavily from patriarchy and the roles in which we have to follow to uphold that structure. 

it’s really just not enough to show us things any more wihtout taking it into consideration. and like ive mentioned there’s soooooooooo much media that has a lot to say that embeds itself. there’s this thing my friend linked me to on re-examining queerness in korean cinema (much like my dad’s country; patriarchal, more “conservative, anti lgbtq+, reliant on capital. africa is different because of the blackness component but the structures aided by colonialism absolutely remain and continue and that’s how we see such similarities. thse countries are more “overt” in this output but still you know. america. sucks) because we are trying to re-evaluate what it means to be heard and seen. the different ways and sort of the message that a lot of us as lgbtq+ can feel. you know, how we can get a feeling on if a person has our same experience, how we kind of have to learn to identify that. not sure if this makes sense...

your mom sounds really cool. and i’m fucking sorry. so many men do that. i live with both my parents but even then i see this power imbalance i can’t stand and you know i would have believed it was normal if i wasnt able to learn aand had to build up thinking skills. there was one day that it hit me that there are parts of my parents relationship i abhor, that are imbalanced, that make me find my father disgusting and make me ashamed of my mother. i don’t want that to happen to me or my potential children. if i have a male partner for life, which i am sure i will because offffffff heteronormativity and homophobia and being half black american half nigerian, he cannot recreate that. i am optimistic on what people can do without needing such grand structures or the support of the elite etc you know? that’s how we know there’s good work that exists and people we can find that arent with the status quou!!! 

and who want a better world. we have to know we can rally that together. i think part of that is constant demanding of things to do better. there’s a rage against the machine song called settle for nothing and it’s about 0 compromise. there’s a famous quote i dont remember by who that’s basically like there’s an idea that there’s a limit to asking for dignity and what you deserve because when people realize they can live better lives they want to cultivate that more and more but that means a loss of control and a sharing of power from the top. nothing is ever enough if it can be better and we are allowed to demand it (or take it.) we deserve the world, we are being told that we’re asking fo rtoo much. are we? really? 

i was thinking about the children thing as well bc...lmao i was so tightly contorlled as a child and it really messed me up but at the same time, like you, i honestly do not want my children watching drivel. like even with youtube. a friend of mine said that what she thinks she will do is try and hammer home how fantastical these things are, they do not reflect reality, and to get them to understand the spectacle. at the same time i’m like does a child really need to watch these dumb tiktok stars or jake paul? but then im like i really dont want to control them. but like what if ur kid asks u to go to some like fucking BL concert or some shit like what do you say to that?!??! I DONT WANNA SAY NO BUT AT THE SAME TIME UHHHHlmao but at the same time we have to give them tools to analyze and do the right things and follow their hearts

however,

as you know

LOL

tysm for responding, lovely talking to you and hearing your thoughts!!!

oh btw so u r from kashmar? that is very cool......VERY COOL

[foulserpent]

adore ur remake of oblivion so i have to ask. how would u remake skyrim.

thats something i havent thought out as extensively so it wont be as good as my oblivion rewrite idea. ill just focus on main questlines rather than all the issues with the world itself

heres a summary bc in spite of what i just said, this is long as fuck:

get rid of or completely rebuild the civil war plot (use new vegas formula a bit here).

create real choices and real consequences for the dragonborn and how their rise to power will influence them.

throw in a little ambiguity and make them have to work for their hero status

rewrite miraak to be a more effective foil to the dragonborn

adjust alduin

adjust the blades

civil war:

i think the biggest thing that needs to just happen IMMEDIaTELY is either just. removing the civil war or rebuilding it from the ground up. if they want to keep the factions the same, literally they should go with a new vegas approach where the conflict is largely between imperialists and fascists, playing the fascist questline is treated as a pretty unquestionably evil option, and theres a separate independent ending. also either way i think the stormcloaks have to be rewritten to be less appealing to white nationalists lol. its okay for Bad People to exist in videogames, but it should not be something irl racists can unite behind.

so if youre going to keep it, add in an independent resolution, maybe even two (a more "no gods no masters" kind, and maybe one where the dragonborn seizes control, which would have to involve the main quest probably)

main quest:

i think the dragonborn should struggle more. it doesnt hve to be like the nerevarine but their “chosen one” status should not just be handed to them. let there be more ambiguity in the prophecy, more question about how predetermined fate is. if theyre really super special, let them earn it.

a major theme should be grappling with power, and questions of the dragonborn's own nature. you should have to make real decisions about the kind of person you want to be and whether you will embrace a powerhungry nature or deny it, and your absorption of souls should have an effect. maybe you dont Need souls to unlock shouts, but it makes the function easier and more powerful or smth. the more souls you absorb, your character should be changed. not enough to ruin the game, but NPCs will be a little scared of you. maybe you even look a little different. you are a mortal body with dozens of godshards inside you and youre extremely powerful, it should be like that.

it would have to be done carefully to not come off as some shitty slapped on moral of "wow youre such a bad person for involuntarily absorbing the souls of dragons who try to kill you", id envision it as like. if your character makes actual powerhungry choices in the plot, its monstrous, if they strive to be a good person but are warped by all the souls, its tragic, and you can find ways to abstain from it entirely. alternate routes to fighting dragons. challenging them to duels etc

on that note, dragons need to be more people and less just monsters. each one of them is a person, and that should be very apparent. you should be able to engage with them in ways other than just killing outside of a few plot relevant ones, and even ones who just fight you should at least like. talk to you.

also alduin needs work, at least have his motivations be more clear. like why exactly is he so determined to enslave mortals rather than fufilling his duties as world eater? also its written really fucking confusingly bc on one hand its like "alduin has abandoned his duties and is just running around being a dragon" but then at a few points its implied that he IS trying to end the kalpa as hes supposed to, which is like...which one is it. im pretty sure its supposed to be the former so lets just pick a narrative and stick with it.

so like honestly i think the basic structure of the main quest can stay, it just needs to Know what its doing rather than just kind of flailing around

dragonborn dlc:

i think it needs work, mostly in the miraak department, since they set him up as like a big intimidating villain but hes kind of nothing . stop trying to make him live up to dagoth ur, and instead really hone in on him being a foil to the dragonborn. he is an example of what the dragonborn could become. from that point, either: make him actually really intimidating, or make the playing field feel very level to play up how this is hermaeus mora ultimately pitting prospective tools against each other.

i would go for the latter approach, though miraak should still have to be a convincing villain. set up miraak as the big bad, but make it become increasingly clear that hes just another chucklefuck ensared in mora's tentacles. which i think they were TRYING to do but werent very successful. like i like that YOU dont get to kill him, mora just decides hes not needed anymore and does it himself. really shows that this is all just kind of a farce. i even like the idea that maybe miraak is like, kind of a hollowed out meatpuppet for mora at that point but idk. 

either way id want the dlc to actually challenge how superspecial and stuff dragonborn are, by making the Legendary Duel Of The First and Last Dragonborn be very clearly be like the equivalent of bugs in a jar being made to fight.

The Blades:

the blades need work, but i actually think their depiction is.. accidentally? good. i think their insistence on killing paarthurnax is good and makes sense, but it needs to be reworked and yeah you do need to be able to talk them out of it or handle it otherwise (even by killing them) bc its such a meaningless quest.

make their motivation more clear like delphine and esbern dont want him dead for just his 10000000 year old war crimes, its really about them being incredibly fucking paranoid individuals and needing the ultimate proof that they can trust you. so beef up the whole blades - you - paarthurnax dynamic. give them all more meaningful and complex interactions. this doesnt mean Make Paarthurnax Bad, but maybe give like more of a legitimate reason for the blades to want him killed (legitimate does not mean Good, like it could be they percieve him as a threat to the empire)

[one-boring-person]

Only Traitors Consort With The Damned. (Part Three)

The Lost Boys x reader

Warnings: none

Context: The senior officer (Y/n) is expecting arrives.

A/N: Im not really sure where this story is going, but anyhow. I'm sorry, there really isn't that much mention of the boys in this, but I guess this can kinda count as a filler chapter?

Masterlist.

My hands are shaking as I check my watch yet again, biting my lip nervously as I shift in place, my coat drawn tightly around me to fight off the cool night air, the rest of my clothes as smart as possible, to make a good impression. In my left hand, I hold the creased envelope, the edges torn and dog-eared from being handled so much, the letter inside stained slightly from where I picked it up with my hands covered in gore, the contents nearly branded into my memory by now. A senior officer is to meet me at the Santa Carla train station at eight o'clock exactly, should the train be on time for once. Since I received this information two days ago, I have not stopped fidgeting and worrying with myself, my nails bitten down to the bed, the skin painful and red, my nerves running rampant within me, resulting in a thorough tidy-up of the shed and many unforseen training fights with the hand-made dummy behind it, my knuckles as sore as if I've been in a real fight.

Even now, I can feel the bruising under my gloves smart with every movement, my fingers flexing instinctually as I watch the thinning stream of people emerging from the station doors, eyes hoping to catch sight of the officer soon, knowing the uniform will be the tell tale giveaway. My own uniform is neat and tidy for once, as the rules of the SRS state, my long overcoat concealing the weapons I'm obligated to carry around with me: a gun loaded with wooden bullets, three vials of holy water, a stake and a silver knife. Legally, I'm allowed to carry these weapons in full view, being a Hunter for the SRS and all, but most of us choose not to, seeing as the civilians tend to find the sight of them pretty unnerving, but there are some, more arrogant ones, who choose to flaunt their status for the whole world to see, making them easy targets for almost any supernatural being. A wry grimace makes it's way onto my face as I recall the time when my first drill sergeant as a Cadet stalked into a werewolf pack with all of his silver weaponry out on show, instantly resulting in an all out brawl, which only some of us survived. The sergeant was the first to die.

"(Y/n)! It's been too long!" A horribly familiar voice snaps me from my thoughts, my eyes swiftly locating the tall figure walking over to me. Elijah Finch, the lanky, dark haired man I went to Hunting School with, wearing the neatly pressed black jacket of a senior officer, the rank badges sewn onto his chest showing that he has also reached a very high number of kills, as well as a completely new status.

"It's good to see you, sir." I address him with the correct formality, a tight smile forcing it's way onto my lips, my posture straightening as I salute him. For a brief second, I see a faint glimmer of pride flash through the crystal depths of his eyes at the title.

"Ah, don't call me that, (Y/n). We're friends, and that's not how friends talk to each other." He grins as he steps over to me, dropping his holdall momentarily in order to sweep me up into a tight embrace.

Relaxing into him, I return the hug, inhaling the familiar smell of his cologne as he crushes me into his chest, clearly happier to see me than I am him.

"If you say so, Elijah." I respond in his ear, pulling away after a minute, smiling at his broad grin, taking note of the new scar on his right cheek, the pale line splitting his sharp cheekbone in two, "The hell happened to your face?"

"Oh this? Nothing too bad, just had a bad encounter with a possessed child." Elijah smirks, picking up his bag again and slinging it onto his back, refusing my offer to help him out.

"A child gave you that?" I lift an eyebrow at him, finding this amusing.

"A possessed child." He corrects me, falling into step beside me as I lead him away from the train station, aiming to get to the main road, where we can pick up some decent food without coming across David and the boys.

"Sure." I chuckle, rolling my eyes, "You hungry?"

"I could eat. Anywhere good in town?"

"Eh, I guess. Most of them are takeaways, but there's a pretty decent diner just off the main road." I inform him, sticking my hands into my pockets as we walk, hunching my shoulders a little as the cool wind blows around us, chilling me to the bone.

"Lets go there, then. I'll pay." The tall Hunter says decisively, giving me a pointed look when I glance at him queationingly.

"Sure, if you don't mind." I frown slightly at this, fumbling with the notes in my pockets a little out of protest, "When did you become a senior?"

"A month back, I think. Yeah, it was around the beginning of September or so." He replies, clearly looking as if he wants to go on, something which I am only too happy to allow.

"Oh yeah? What was the mission?" I inquire, referring to the SRS concept that a Hunter is promoted to Senior only after completing a particularly difficult hunt.

"Oh, it wasn't too difficult. There was a coven of vampires trying to take over the French Quarter, back home in New Orleans, and had started a fight with the witches that already lived there. I had to go in with a squad of Hunters and eliminate the bloodsuckers, before everything got out of hand. I managed it, and didn't lose a single member of the squad." He goes on to explain, sounding impossibly proud of himself as always, his tone laced with self-confidence.

"Congrats, it sounds like it was well deserved." I congratulate him, stopping outside the diner I usually stay out of, preferring to go to the one on the Boardwalk, my jaw clenching as I see that it is closed for the night.

"Damn that sucks. Is there another one nearby?" Elijah asks, blue eyes looking the structure up and down, hand adjusting on the straps of his bag.

"Err, yeah. There's one just over there." I inform him, pointing at the entrance to the Boardwalk, which lies a good 25 metres away down the road.

"Lets hope that one isn't closed, too." He muses, allowing me to hesitantly lead the way again.

Quickly, we make our way onto the Boardwalk, where I then quickly locate the diner and direct Elijah over to it, hoping the boys aren't anywhere nearby. Thankfully, this one is open, meaning the two of us easily get a table, our uniforms giving us some sort of advantage over other customers, even though the insignia is not a particularly widely recognised one. Sitting at a window table, we take the time to look at the menu properly before deciding on something to order, doing so and relaxing back into our seats as we wait, both of us instinctively turning to look out the window, where I instantly spot the four people I didn't want to see tonight.

Across the pavement, David, Dwayne, Paul and Marko have pulled up on their motorcycles, the four of them drawing attention to themselves as always, something which makes me grit my teeth in annoyance, knowing that Elijah will easily spot them.

"They the resident biker gang?" The Hunter asks, gesturing to the boys with a curious expression.

Tensing almost indiscernibly, I try to suppress the rising fear inside me, nodding as I reply to him.

"It is. They like offering races to anyone who catches their eye." I explain to him, only revealing half of the truth behind them, eyeing the four vampires as they talk amongst themselves, David pulling a cigarette out of his pocket, followed by a lighter, his icy blue eyes suddenly locking with mine across the space. A smirk makes it's way onto his face as he sees me.

"They do, huh? I bet you could easily beat them on yours." Elijah muses out loud, looking me over with a critical eye.

"Yeah, well the only problem with that is that my bike is back in New Orleans, and has been for my entire time here." I remind him, recalling the black Triumph back in the garage at Headquarters, suddenly wishing I could ride it again, missing the exhilaration of the ride.

"That's too bad. I'm surprised, though, you and that bike were pretty much inseparable."

"It's the best vehicle I've ever driven." I shrug, returning my gaze to the four motorcycles outside, only to find their riders gone. Confusion fills me, eyes searching for them, until I hear an unmistakable voice behind me, my heart dropping in my chest.

"So this is where you got to, kitten. We were wondering where you were." David's smirk is practically audible in his tone, my jaw tightening as I turn to face him, only now registering what he called me, a deep blush blossoming on my cheeks.

"Hey David. I didn't realise you were looking for me." I smile cordially at him, trying to signal to him with my eyes for him to leave, before he's caught.

"We got worried." The platinum blonde affirms, eyeing Elijah, who watches the exchange in confusion, "Who's your friend?"

"This is Elijah. He's a close friend of mine. Elijah, this is David, Dwayne, Marko and Paul, some friends I've made here." I introduce them, trying not to reach over and slap their reaching hands away from each other, reminding myself that they boy have gloves onñ and so the difference in temperature shouldn't be too noticeable.

"Nice to meet you, Elijah." David greets, tone sounding forced and completely false.

"Nice to meet you, too." The tall Hunter smiles, shaking David's hand, eyes flicking over the others in turn.

David turns to me once again once he's finished shaking hands, blue eyes teasing.

"Let us know when you're next free, we'd love to spend more time together again." The vampire tells me, before he and the boys step out, Marko and Paul pushing and shoving each other on their way, nearly upsetting a few of the tables.

Once they've left, Elijah looks at me with an eyebrow raised.

"Friends?" Is all he says.

"What, are you implying that I can't make friends?" I tease, hoping not to have to go into too much detail.

"Of course not. They just seem pretty interesting characters." He shrugs, looking over as the waiter brings us our food, thanking him pleasantly before returning his gaze to me.

"They are, but they're a great cover-up story at times." I reason, tucking into my food.

"Ah, right. Makes sense. Anyway, you got any plans later?" He queries, casually, cutting up some of his own food as he does so.

"No, why?" I respond, confused.

"Because I am in the mood for some hunting."

Part Four

[pappycat89]

Just a weird dream that i had last night about gender stuff. Its long, so its under a cut.

I had a dream last night where i was at a party, and ran into some people filming a tiktok where this masculine presenting person did this hair flip that hid a transition to them wearing a wig and feminine makeup and they looked stunning, so i asked them about it and they put me in a wig and makeup and i looked in the mirror and it was amazing. Like, it wasnt my face i saw, but a fully like, female structured face, but i knew it was me and i was so happy. I loved how i looked and couldnt believe it, so i went looking for the perfect mirror to take a selfie in, which meant going inside.

the house i went into wasnt mine on the outside, but the inside was, and it was stupidly big. Like, a huge mansion but also non-Euclidean so the halls and stuff didnt make sense. Anyway, my family kept showing up and interrupting me and asking what i was doing and when they saw the makeup they got all weird and were like "well, if thats something you want to do i guess thats ok, but like, men look silly in makeup so maybe dont do that?" So i left and went to my dads house instead,

When i got there i ran into him and my stepmum. My stepmum didn't seem no notice or care, she was just like "hi, good to see you" gave me a hug and went about her day. My dad seemed pretty supportive and was happy to see me but kept asking me a lot of weird questions that i had to explain. They weren't bad or rude or anything, i just didnt have the energy to answer them and it made me feel like i had to justify why i was doing it and i felt weird.

So i left and decided i didnt need a mirror, so i went to the local park where they had this weird old cave/cliff system on the edge of a lake, so i went to take some artsy photos and stuff, and also be near water because i love water, and i ran into my housemate who had set up this weird camp in a semi-hidden cave. He didn't notice me at first so i tried to senak out as to not disturb him, but i couldnt climb out the way i came because suddenly i was wearing heels. He heard me try and came over to help me out, without any weird comments about my wig or makeup or anything, just that he would be camping there for a few days and to leave some dinner in the fridge for him.

So i wandered away from the cave, towards some shops. At this point i was feeling kinda hopeless, like there was no point in wearing the wig or makeup, or being a girl, because no one accepted it or cared about it and i just wanted to feel happy but every time i tried i got interrupted. As i got to the shops i found this kind of new age store with all these tie-dyed clothes and crystals and stuff. I entered, and instantly started feeling out of place, like everyone would know i was just wearing a wig and not really a girl, so i tried to just stick to myself.

Then, one of the people working there came up to me and she complemented me on my makeup, and gave me some suggestions for other colours they had that would look good, and we started talking about crystals and what ones i was wearing and others they had that would work well, and then an older lady came up and started talking to me about the clothes they had and helped me pick out some outfits. When i went to try some on i found that my body had changed as long as i wore the wig, so suddenly all these clothes fit me and i could wear different cuts, and i was so stupidly happy that i started to cry, so they sat me down and we had some tea and talked and they invited me to a witchy crafting convention on the weekend, and one of the ladies there convinced me to buy some tickets for a lottery they had for a store gift card, so i did cos i had some coins to spare, and she made this big deal about putting my numbers into a bingo ball cage thing and drawing "random" numbers but one of the other workers told me she had rigged the machine and was giving the gift cards to whoever she wanted and just before she could draw my numbers my alarm went off and i woke up.

I've always felt like dreams have meaning to a lot of the content in them. Especially the dreams you remember when you wake up. Its not hard to see what this one means, lol I'm still not ready to try presenting as female, and im not sure i ever will be, but it was a pleasant dream none the less

[inukouga]

memories through song

inuyasha pride month 2020, day 18 - inukog

Kouga plays a quick little tune. “So. What’d ya think?” He takes note of Inuyasha’s ears, which are laying flat against his head at the harsh sounds, and snorts. “That fuckin’ bad, huh?”

“Was a lot worse than I thought you’d do, and that’s saying something.” He hears Kouga laugh.

non au

pairing(s):  inukog (established)

words: 1.4k+

a/n: initially wrote this for inukog week when the prompt was ‘music’ (which is why it’s about what it’s about) and forgot to finish it until it was too late.... but now im finishing it and posting it for inukog day babey!!!! you can read this on ao3 as well! i’m inukouga on there too

“...What’s that?”

They’re resting after a successful hunt, with Kouga lying against Inuyasha’s shoulder as the latter sits against the walls of the cavern.

Kouga sits up and looks over to where Inuyasha’s pointing, and spots what, at first, seems to be a short stick on the cavern ground. He frowns, initially confused, before his eyes light up with recognition as he leans forward to examine it more closely.

“What? Oh, the flute? We use it for certain traditional ceremonies and stuff. Like vigils, marriages, burials and a few others,” He picks up the crudely carved wooden flute and holds it out for Inuyasha to see it better. “ Lots of people in the tribe were taught to play by the elders or their parents. Some of ‘em really end up enjoying it and learn until they master it. Even use it to communicate with ancestors.”

Inuyasha peers at it curiously. “Huh.”

“Was never too good at this,” Kouga says. There are a few things etched on it; Inuyasha can make out strange, foreign symbols he doesn’t understand along with a deep groove that vaguely resembles the silhouette of a howling wolf. “It’s more Hakkaku’s thing.”

“You play?” Inuyasha asks, raising an eyebrow.

“Kinda? Hakkaku taught me how to play a long time ago, but I’m definitely not as good.” Kouga dusts off the mouthpiece and plays a quick little tune. “So. What’d ya think?” He takes note of Inuyasha’s ears, which are laying flat against his head at the harsh, jarring sounds, and snorts. “That fuckin’ bad, huh?”

“Was a lot worse than I thought you’d do, and that’s saying something.” He hears Kouga laugh.

“Oh, yeah? Think you could do better, pup?” Kouga asks. Inuyasha rolls his eyes at the stupid nickname that he’s definitely not secretly fond of.

“Yeah, I mean how hard can it be?” 

“It ain’t as easy as it looks, trust me. ‘Sides, this one isn’t too well made,” He runs a clawed finger along its jagged edges. “One of the younger wolves must’ve made it.”

Inuyasha smirks. “Keep makin’ excuses.”

Kouga scoffs and tries to play another note. It sounds slightly better this time, but Inuyasha still winces exaggeratedly, chuckling when the wolf demon rolls his eyes.

“Oh, quit whinin’, it wasn’t even that terrible that time.”

It honestly hadn’t been. But Inuyasha can’t resist messing with him a little bit.

“Whatever helps ya sleep at night.”

Kouga huffs childishly, turning the flute back and forth in his hands. 

“Well? Ain’t gonna get better just sittin’ there are ya?” He doesn’t even need to turn and look to know that Kouga’s grinning at him, and doesn’t even try to fight off his own small smile. “More you practice, better you’ll get.”

“Tch. If ya wanna hear more so bad, you could just ask.” He brings the flute up to his lips, and after playing a few more notes to warm up, he takes a deep breath as if he’s preparing himself for something. “My, uh, my mother— she used to play this for me when I was a pup,” Inuyasha falls silent, listening attentively. 

Kouga’s mother is a topic that’s rarely brought up by the aforementioned demon himself, and though the rest of the tribe still speak of the previous Chief up now and then, they’re all very careful of what they say when Kouga’s around. 

Inuyasha can tell that though decades have passed since her passing, there’s a part of Kouga that still grieves sometimes. He knows that the suddenness of it and the lack of closure both still haunt him.

“She was... just okay at it, my father was a lot better honestly. She didn’t really have lots of time to practice as the Chief. But she did have this one song she’d play really well. Knocked me right out when I was bein’ a brat and wouldn’t fall asleep.”  He smiles in remembrance.

It’s quiet for a long moment. Sounds of the waterfall right outside the wolf den echo loudly off the rocky walls of the caves amidst the silence. 

Right when Inuyasha’s about to ask if Kouga’s alright, he begins to play.

The first thing that he notes is that the lullaby is nothing complex or grand. The same eight notes are present throughout the whole song, and though the order in which they’re played changes every now and then, the structure of the song remains the same for the most part.

But, despite all of that, it resonates with Inuyasha far more than anything he’s ever heard before, shockingly profound in its simplicity. The melody graces his ears gently, and he finds himself briefly overwhelmed with the sheer amount of everything he’s feeling. He can hear history in it, can see generations of wolf demons, young and old, play this for their kin with a desire for those that came before them to be remembered. He closes his eyes and focuses solely on listening, taking note of the undertones of wistful yearning, and he wonders if it’s present in the original lullaby or if that’s just Kouga letting some of his own emotions bleed into his performance.

Once Inuyasha learns how it goes, he begins to hum along lowly, thinking of warm hands that healed wounds and wiped tears away, whispered words of comfort and brown eyes gazing at him with unadulterated maternal adoration.

He opens his eyes slowly, feeling a little drowsy, and doesn’t even realize Kouga’s stopped playing until the wolf demon lets out a shaky exhale.

“So,” He rasps. “What’d ya think?”

“That wasn’t so bad,” Inuyasha says softly, after a few beats of stunned silence. Words escape him as always, despite how much he wants to say more.

Kouga shrugs. “Definitely not as good as when she did it, but it’s— it’s nice to play it every now and then.”

Inuyasha can’t help but whisper to him. “...You okay?”

“Yeah,” Broad shoulders sag slowly, and then, a long sigh. “Yeah, I am.”

There’s a silence then, and Kouga’s mother’s song keeps playing itself in his head over and over, the gentle tune somehow familiar to him despite never having heard it before. Kouga lies back against Inuyasha’s shoulder as he’d been doing earlier, absentmindedly playing a few notes on the flute. 

“You didn’t answer my question,” Inuyasha prompts Kouga to elaborate with a grunt. His tone is lighthearted, and it helps lift the somber mood some. “Think you’d play better than I do?”

Inuyasha wonders if he’d be able to play songs his own mother used to sing to him when he was younger. “If I got Hakkaku to teach me for a bit, I’m sure I’d be able to.” 

It’d never compare to hearing her actual voice, soft and soothing and never failing to make him feel safe when it seemed that the whole world was against him. But it’d be... it’d be another connection he’d have with her. There are parts of the songs that he doesn’t remember, but maybe learning to play them would jog his memory and would ensure they wouldn’t be lost to time. Maybe he could even play them for the younger wolves and share it with them as well, and Kouga too, sharing a part of his mother with him like the wolf demon had just done. 

“Yeah, maybe,” Kouga mumbles, twirling the flute in his hand almost reverently, eyes still misty with nostalgia. “Who knows? Maybe you actually have some sorta hidden talent. Could make up for how much you eat dirt when we spar.”

Inuyasha opens an eye to glare at him. “The hell are you talkin’ about, wolf?” He hisses. “I beat you at sparring tons of times before. More than you’ve beat me.”

“That was just luck,” Kouga teases, putting down the flute and slightly turning to peer at Inuyasha with a playful glint in his eye. “Flukes, all of ‘em.”

“Flukes!?” Inuyasha blurts out incredulously, ignoring the tug in his chest at the sight of Kouga’s grin. “I’ll show you a ‘fluke’ you damn—“

“Nah, later,” Kouga yawns loudly, and Inuyasha knows he’s being obnoxious on purpose. He has half a mind to move his shoulder and let Kouga sleep on the hard, rocky ground, but something inside him makes him decide against it. “Think I’m gonna take a quick nap first.”

Inuyasha scoffs, but lowers his shoulder a bit so Kouga can rest on it more comfortably. “Looks like the song still works. If anything I’ll learn just so I can play that and knock you out when you’re being dumb so I can have some peace and quiet.” 

“If you end up being just as bad as me, all you’ll end up doing is giving me nightmares,” Kouga shuts his eyes. “Now shut up, I’m tryin’ to sleep.”

Inuyasha huffs, irritated, but he relents. He makes a mental note to not make it easy for Kouga the next time they spar before he succumbs to his earlier drowsiness and falls asleep too, meeting Izayoi in his dreams.

[lixrk]

plot call + muse update!

HELLO EVERYONE !!! my hiatus is ending soon so i wanted to make this post before it does to ‘get ready’ in a sense lol. anyways! first of all, lix finally quit his job as a host in a host club took him a while i know and has decided to... *drum roll* do youtube full-time! wow, amazing!

what does he do on his youtube channel?

dance covers, most of them he choreographed himself. he started doing vocal covers too!

he also vlogs, you know, for the views

mukbang with an assortment of cheap junk food

if you’re also a friend of his there’s an 80% chance he’ll try to drag you into his videos

AND NOW FOR THE PLOT CALL !!! i’ve been... super horrible with interacting with most of the people on here because i just stick to twitter for plotting and well, i don’t have all of you on twitter... and i wanted to change that! i want lix to meet a lot of your muses as well as make more meaningful connections, after all. so! this is an attempt at that!

under the cut i’ll be listing a few plot ideas that might interest you guys. please LIKE THIS POST if you want me to slide into your dms for plotting. you can also REPLY WITH A SONG TITLE if you want me to write up a random starter for you (based on a prompt generator or a sentence starter). thanks a lot and i’m looking forward to writing with all of you!

additionally, you can reach out to me on twitter (@wowyoungie) and discord (ask for the id) if you’re as bad with tumblr ims as i am (although i’m awful at messaging in general,,, i’ll do my best though!! i promise!!)

PLATONIC

a very close friend of his, his ride or die. they probably knew each other for a long while, and is aware that lix is... running away from his rich family lol

the one friend that helped him polish his korean... he owes you big time. he’ll share his pizza with you everyday

that friend that let him stay at their place when he just returned to korea before he moved out and found a proper roommate... this friend can be the same one that helps him re-polish his korean if you want!

since his family goes to korea every summer, friends that he made during those times!! he’d treasure every friendship... regardless of how often you meet up!

as of lix’s birthday, his dear roommate bought them two cute bunnies! maybe we can make a plot around that. he loves gushing over his bunny (which he hasn’t named... help him with that maybe hAHA).

people he can drag into his videos! it doesn’t have to surround dancing, he does random challenges too (for the views...) and you just somehow get dragged into it. he’s super embarrassed but you know, you do what you have to do. join in on his discount mukbang too

those who were his clients back when he was a host. his host persona and his real persona is a very different. in reality he’s mostly shy and easily embarrassed. maybe you ran into him expecting host lix but he’s just embarrassed and panicking and ‘omg they’ll think i’m so lame outside of work’

lix is a person that gets jealous quite easily. he still doesn’t have his life structured properly and you seem like you do. you seem to know what you want, meanwhile lix doesn’t, he barely knows himself. he admires you for that, but he also feels envious. bonus if you two are friends and it’s only a matter of time before he explodes on you

people his parents forced him to befriend, and though when he still lived under their roof he did befriend you, after he ran away he never contacted you ever again. he doesn’t know whether the friendship the two of you had was real, nor does he want to find out

alternatively, people his parents forced him to befriend, but he just doesn’t like you (and maybe you feel the same way or not). he tries not to let it show at the time, but after running away he starts treating you differently

he’s a bit awful at keeping up with debuted idols. teach him about them! make him stan a group! please please please! you can be his stan twt educator. he’ll do his best to keep up

trainee friends! he’s kind of jealous of you but he really wants to learn from you. whether you were friends before you became a trainee or after, it’s free real estate!

maybe you work as a delivery person, and you’re wondering why the hell this guy keeps ordering food at late hours into the night. he’s a night owl, mostly because of his previous job as a host club that usually occurs at night, and also because... he’s an insomniac

NOT-SO PLATONIC

exes. can work with girls even though he’s gay because it took him a long time to come to terms with it

if a girl, he probably didn’t give you all his attention. he doesn’t initiate any sort of physical affection, which might be the first thing that tipped you off that he isn’t as invested in the relationship as you are. 

if a boy, you probably witnessed his meltdown and insecurities firsthand. it was probably a quick relationship, because he panicked and couldn’t handle the pressure at all, ending things abruptly even though at the time he probably did like you. he just couldn’t handle the idea of being out of the closet

one night stands... that says it all. whether you were friends beforehand and got drunk and made mistakes or you were lonely strangers... anything is free!

friends with benefits... need i say more. could be a past thing, and now your friendship is on the verge of shattering or something

the one that got away? maybe you had feelings for him before. he knew about it, but pretended not to, because feelings are scary and his insecurities were just about ready to eat him up. whether you decide not to confess or you did and he let you down, things are a bit rocky now

an unrequited crush

on your part, it’s pretty much established that he’s awful at feelings so, that isn’t fun

on his part, it’s most likely a past thing. he was too scared to say anything about it, or maybe he did and you let him down, causing him to harbour a lot of regrets and ‘fuck i shouldn’t have said anything’ but time heals wounds and now he just misses having you as a friend

OPEN EVENTS

#rkcollab: collab time! lix is eager to learn more rapping and whatnot since he’s a beginner, but he also just wants to sing with friends on his youtube channel

#rkdanceoff: listen,,, he’ll love to have a dance-off with literally anyone, he’ll most likely upload it to his youtube channel too. be his competition! it’ll be fun, he won’t go down easy

#rkcharity: charity time! let’s do this! either you dragged him into it or vice versa. either way he’s not gonna half-ass this

[way-veee]

yān yǔ

pt. 3

today you had to go grocery shopping. 

you and wayv were going to go out and buy ingredients for a filmed dinner making segment. the segment started at four, and you were to be taking notes the whole time. what a great way to spend an afternoon. 

it was just around lunch time, so you decide to go out and get something to eat before you have to leave. the confides of your quarters were crushing, you couldn’t stand the structured day schedule for one more minute. 

you knew a ramen place close-ish by,and it sounded like a nice break from everything.

you were more than excited to leave as you stick to the corners of the halls not wanting to explain yourself to any managers. 

you thought you were alone on your adventure outside, but you were sadly mistaken. xiaojun, lucas and winwin were following you from behind. they saw you leave and being presidents of the we hate y/n club, they had to follow you to see what you were doing.

you round the corner and open the door, you feel the fresh air on your face and rejoice.

“hey!” lucas yells in a bird like voice. “where are you going!”

you jump, startled again. god, this day was supposed to be fun. “ i was just going out.”

they look confused.

“alone?” winwin says. it was like the whole concept of independence was new to him.

you nod looking at these boys. then you remembered the promise you made to yourself.

“i.. i’m going to a ramen place for lunch. would  you like to come?” you muster up your best relaxed smile.

“no,” xiaojun says.

“yeah that sounds boring.” lucas replies.

winwin just looks at you with a face of disgust and you assume he means no as well.

you were so glad you were a nice person.

“when you guys usually go out how many guards do you need with you?”

they look you in the eyes now, aware of what you’re doing.

“we need at least two at all times, if there’s filming then we bring over 10 people.” lucas replies.

“ i know it’s not my place to say this, but even if you wont tell me i know you guys want to be alone outside. no one wants to be caged up.”

they know you’re right. but they also know that the’re rules that they need to follow.

“you shouldn’t be caged up. do you hear me?”

they stay quiet. maybe they shouldn't have talked to you at all.

“im going,” you say sternly. “you should come.”

then you walk off, breaking your facade and breathing heavily from fear. if they tell on you you’d be off this report immediately and would probably be fired. 

but for some reason you know that they won’t. 

“were you actually gonna follow her!” winwin yells at lucas. 

“well, yea for a second i was.”

“why!” winwin whispers yells still not wanting to be caught and hurried back into their rooms.

“you know she’s right,” xiaojun says, serious. 

winwin quiets, you were right. then lucas begins to speak

“listen, i know that we hate her and she’s annoying and a bunch of other things, but i still think we should go with her. we won’t get another chance like this for a while.”

“i want to go too,” xiaojun says, siding with lucas.  

xiaojuns pleading eyes completely destroy whatever counter argument winwin has.

“fine,” he says, a hint of excitement in the back of his throat. “but if she sells us off to sasaengs or tries to kill us, it’s on you guys.” 

“im gonna put on my travel pants!” lucas yells galloping back to his room.

when they catch up to you, you were relieved, excited and a little bit confused on why lucas kept on talking about “travel pants”

you stay silent and let them talk in hushed tones. this was an alliance between you both and you didn’t want to wreck it.

when you get to the ramen place you speak to the waiter in hushed chinese for a table in the back.

“i forgot she could do that,” winwin says to the boys, saddened by the lost prospect of talking about you while you were with them.

you get a table at the back, the boys sit facing the wall side, just so no one would notice them. 

they were surprised that no one had discovered them yet. was going out really that easy?

“i’ll get one of those please, “ you say to the waiter.

“and i’ll get a ramen bowl with shrimp, tofu, green beans and rice.” lucas says with a dazzling smile on his face. 

“um, the tofu and rice are part of a separate meal, so what you ordered would be enough for three people, are you sure you don’t want something else?” 

lucas eyes the waiter definitely not impressed. “i know what i said.” he never blinks once. the waiter gives up with an indignant huff and walks back to relay the orders to the chefs.

“xiaojun what drink did you order?” you question, inspecting his brownish drink.

he triumphantly lifts up his glass and says, “this is pepsi, coca cola, sprite and fanta!”

you vomit in your mouth, that sounds so disgusting. “why... why do drink that?”

“well, i really like all of those drinks and it would be gross to order 4 drinks at once, so one day i thought, hey why don’t i put them together?”

he gestures proudly to his drink. so proud in fact that he lifts it up for you to look at it but instead spills it all over your sweater.

you stand up gasping, “my sweater!”

“oh my gosh im sorry!” xiaojun yells embarrassed.

“do you have a change of clothes or something?” lucas says concerned at your shirt stained brown.

“i could go back to my room, but that’s far and i-”

“miss?” the same waiter says snooping in on the conversation. “we might have something for you in the back?” he gestures past the kitchen and you of course follow him not wanting to sit in a carbonated sweater.

“that sack was ugly anyways” winwin snickers as you leave.

xiaojun and lucas nod, both agreeing.

was this all they had? it wasn’t bad, but it wasn’t what you normally wore when reporting. it was tight and dark blue with buttons. 

you weren’t about to leave your lunch because of three- no, one drink crazy idol.

you walk out and sit back down. they had just brought out your ramen and you start to eat it.

you feel them all staring at you. this wasn’t some movie where you wore a winter color palette and let your hair down and all the guys fall for you.

“you look even worse!” winwin exclaims, not impressed.

“it’s better than the sack” xiaojun shrugs.

“is it?” lucas says looking at xiaojun “is it really?”

“hey im sitting right here,” you say while waving your hands.

they didn’t seem to mind at all.

the rest of  lunch went surprisingly well, lucas ate enough for four people when you decided to give him the rest of your bowl. and the insults at each other became jokes and teasing. 

the boys couldn’t believe it. they were actually enjoying your company. people usually wouldn’t talk bad about idols to their faces, but you really didn’t care. your company was refreshing. 

not to mention the way you looked in the shirt you had to wear. you actually looked pretty not wearing a sack shirt. it was quite surprising.

“we better go back,” you say looking at your wristwatch. “filming starts in under an hour.” 

you look at the boys. they looked like they could stay there forever. they looked so normal and happy like when you had seen them the other night.

“and action!”

“okay!” kun yells at the boys with a giddy smile. “we have to find the ten items we want in 3 minutes, then we’ll choose the dish according to the rules of the game.”

the boys break out into indistinct crazy conversations as the bright lights of the grocery store and camera crew illuminate their foundation padded faces.

you watched admiringly from behind the camera. they were wearing new clothes again, probably some that they’d never wear again. but at least they looked happy, or happier than they had been in restricting suits.

“one two thr-” before kun can finish counting hendery and ten breakout into a run down the grocery store aisles completely ignoring kun’s authority as a leader. you chuckle.

you had to give it to them, they were really funny on camera and entertaining to watch. you understood now why so many people liked them. 

then the camera goes zooming past you as the other boys break away running to find food for the challenge. you scribble down more notes back with the film crew.

the boys were energetic. if there was a more powerful word than energetic i’d use it right now, the boys were driven by the prospect of food and nothing could derail them. they are after all young men. 

“aah!” lucas yells, you gasp, had he hurt himself or fell?

 then you see him run by with three loaves of bread in his hands and at least four cans of beans in his pockets. ten then follows yelling at lucas that he took his beans.

the rest of the grocery store segment had much more chaos and yelling like before. 

 the youngest members teamed up against the oldest and they stole all of their chicken and seaweed. then ten and lucas also sided with the younger members so it was really just them yelling and stealing food items from kun and winwin.

at one point hendery decided to do a back flip down the aisles which ended surprisingly well, but then lucas tried and knocked off a whole shelf of rice which he then had to clean up.

when it was over you hadn't written many notes down because you couldn't draw your eyes away from them. you were inexplicably drawn to them and their personalities. 

you also found them quite entertaining.

“y/n did you write down that i did a back flip!” hendery says out of breath running up to you.

you nod slowly, “i did, good job with that by the way.”

“thanks” hendery says while pushing his sweaty hair out of his face.

‘i’ve been practicing on a chair and on my bed and then i just run really fast and do an air somersault. you know?”

you look at him in shock, was he okay?  but then you remembered, no, he’s just a member of wayv. that was reason enough for you.

you took a separate car to the kitchen where the boys were gonna be filming at. it made you sad, you kind of missed their presences, even if it just was them pestering you.

when you finally got to the restaurant they gave you a chair to sit on as you watched them. 

they had the food laid out on the table and they were gonna make scallion pancakes and congee. it was a weird combo but they insisted on making it.

you enjoyed the filming, watching the boys joke around and horribly make food. 

at one point you see one of their managers try to signal at winwin to move. for some reason he wanted winwin on the sides not in the center? 

but winwin didn’t see the gesture, or ignored it. either way he stayed in the middle.

 it was fine by you, the boys looked unconcerned by winwin’s presence so why should it matter.

the show ended with the boys trying to eat their creations but laughing too much and then having to throw it out because it wouldn’t unstick from the pans.

as lucas walks away to get changed he whispers “im glad we ate at lunch because i don’t think that food was even edible.”

you look at lucas who was trying to actually have a nice conversation with you.

“good thing you ate enough for four people,” you joke.

then you look behind lucas’s shoulder to see the manager sternly talking to winwin. winwin looks visibly upset, but the manager wouldn’t stop. it was probably about the incident earlier.

lucas follows your eyes and his face falls. “y/n, don’t.”

but the second the manager stops talking, winwin runs away and you follow. you had to see if he was okay.

lucas doesn’t try to stop you anymore. he just goes and get changed. stuff like this has happened before. what could he do about it?

you follow him. he doesn’t run for much longer and stops, sitting in one of the many dark hallways of the building.

he’s crunched on the ground crying. winwin has always been visibly strong and outgoing. now he’s not.

you don’t know what to say or do so you just sit beside him on the ground, listening to his shallow breathing.

he looks up at you after some time. 

“i should’ve just moved.” 

his eyes were red and wet from crying. that was no way to treat another human being. you couldn't do anything right know, but you wanted to yell and curse at all of the managers at SM.

winwin’s hand was atop his knee and you slowly put your hand on top of his. he stops shaking almost immediately and you just sit there with him.

“i’m afraid they’re gonna get rid of me again.” 

you didn’t know if he was talking to you, or just in general. so you just listened.

“i don’t know what to do anymore.”

 you can hear him  start to cry again.

“why don’t they like me?” 

you wondered how many times the boys have been upset or cried like this. you wondered how many hours or days were spent hating their management. it made you sick.

you grasp winwin’s hand a little tighter. then wipe the tears off of his soft cheeks.

“i like you” you say smiling at him.

“no you don’t” he says through his knees.

“i do. you’re a talented person, and you’re nice. i couldn’t hate you if i wanted too.”

“you’re lying” he says. but then he grips your hand even tighter in the dark hallway and you smile.

when you arrive back to the boys they immediately ask winwin so many questions. they were so concerned about him. 

it made you happy to see people care about other people in such a way.

“thank you.” xiaojun whispers while walking by you. apparently he can give up hating you for a second to thank you. that made you happy too.

after some hugs and hushed words kun approaches you.

“so y/n. we had an idea, can you help us with it?”

“umm, probably? can you tell me what it is?”

kun smiles a short smile in the hallway of the building.

“it has to do with an article, us and our company-”

“i’m in.” you say automatically.

pt. 4

[transrightsjimin]

im sorry im not rly in the BE hype atm :((

rant coming which has nothing to do w the album but everything w stress nd fatigue nd crying nd more job stress nd sensory overload and me turning everything into a worse issue in my head etc etc

i was this morning when i saw the mv nd watched the vlive but i obv slept way too few bc i went to bed late nd woke up early for the live and i had to rush a lot w errands nd an appointment w my autism coach nd at said appointment we called a dude from the municipality to inquire abt jobcoaches nd it turned out we misunderstood what jobcoaches are as they are who u get referred to when u have a job, nd the guy found it hard to figure out what type of trajectory(?) would best fit me for help nd now i have time to think abt it and will speak him again in 2 weeks or sooner if i want to. im just so tired nd a bit hungry and on edge and one sec, im in the side of the house tht faces kids playing around aka screeching as if theyre dying every second nd its majking me only more on edge!!!!

but urgh i cried so bad during the appointment and was prob way too rudde to her before the appointment, bc she talks loudly nd sounds rude nd confronting but just naturally bc ofher tone nd language nd urghgh h thikning abt jobs nd trying to talk nd not cry too hard when trying to explain stuff to the man over the phone was rly hard, like obv its fine if he knows im crying but its just hard to talk when crying nd im just so devastated thinking abt jobs!! i dont know what type of job i could handle nd it feels like im making everythig up bc i did somehow finish two studies in uni and im privileged enough w education and whiteness tobe more easily selected for a job by e.g. last name on my cv and i shouldnt be this picky but god i cant handle smth as physically demanding and underpaid as this, im tired 4/7 days that im not working nd what i earn in those 3 days is still not enough to cover rent bc they pay only for the delivery time itself instead of more hours!!! it just feels like wtf am i doing bc the municipality guy did admit im not the usual person he works w bc i had an education, as if i dont belong in the group but its really just an issue of having -100 confidence and no job experience!! like i rly dont strive for a fancy job or ‘’’career’’’, i just bneed something that i can pay my monthly expenses w and have a bit left to save up for e.g. emergencies, additional medical bills (like the 350 euros from the adhd diagnosis and therapy, which my autism coach will contact my adhd therapist abt, like if that bill can be delayed or split up in a payment plan), paying back for loan debt eventually and MAYBE soon god forbid i save up for smth fun. and i “need” the job also to have a daily activity and some structure in my life bc a large part of the reason my schedule is so fucked up is bc i have no more set time tht i need to be anywhere or any strictness or reason to get up nd so i just dont ghhh

im always looking for reasons why i cant do smth and why smth would go wrong and im already looking at every area where getting help w getting a job can go wrong like e.g. me being too stubborn abt companies i dont agree w or me thinking i cant do anything just bc i have not much working experience outside of mail delivery :(

nd then there was this A B C task list system my adhd therapist proposed in wihc i keep track of my most to least urgent + important tasks every day nd we werent sure where to keep track of that kind of list and she suggested sticking a paper to a wall (i think id rather use my wardrobe) to write it on and change or replace that every day and it sounds like a hassle but i rly need to do it every day, nd i can try other methods but thatd be either writing it on my phone but im not always on there nd theres not a type of file i can make that doesnt move back chronologically as i make new notes

ALSO im just very frustrated w myself bc my mom wanted to come over w food and i know she was too sudden w it but if only i left on time for the stores it wouldnt have been an issue. i feel like shes rly sad she couldnt come visit. fucking hell i rushed so much back and forth from the stores that i forgot to put the leftover letters from work yesterday into the outdoor mailbox and i already stress abt this bc my current teamcoach (aka manager) is more stricter w this stuff nd recently asked for a statement / explanation by me on why there were 29 letters w/o sticker from a route i did  counted from the collected mail that were in outdoor mailboxes, and i did not do that but my only alibi / reason for not making that huge mistake was that i hadnt posted any mail yet that day and obv he wasnt happy w that. i sometimes had dreams / nightmares recently where i was late again or fucked up w a new route and got fired for it and thats quite an awful scenario / fear to me bc thats exactly why my dad was fired by his previous employee, for being late too often nd we’re the exact same. it just sucks bc i know many ppl who worry abt being late arrive to early at shit bc lol anxiety but i still arrive late every day WHILE being stressed abt it nd my whole fucking issue is that i need to break w bad patterns MYSELF, like whether i get help for autism stuff or adhd or sleep or whatnot, the homework / assignments / tasks / advice they give me, in the end i still need to be the one to do it and push through and make a change or put more effort into not going continuously back to the same distractions or demotivating black-white thinking

just URGH im so easily annoyed nd sensitive, also as in sensitive on a tactile level nd it doesnt help tht my room is a mess nd im super stinky from bts BE excitement and from squeezing my skin a lot last night, nor does the fact that i have rly bad coordination / awareness of my surroundings nd continuously bumping into shit or getting caught on smth help, which is also another reason im just so slow at work bc if i try to walk or deliver mail faster i keep end up bruising nd tripping or tear my hands on all these hard to move or sharp mail box slots if im not careful nd slower, which does still happen but not as bad when im careful

im also rly dizzy rn from haing slept too few and just urgh i “need“ a stupid fucking job, i need the money i need the structure but my god does actual labour and having to deal w colleagues every day and trying to keep up w stuff and be fast and precise enough in whatever the job is, sound horrifying hhhgghgh

OK RANT OVER IM SICK OF ME TALKING SO MUCH