#im just bored all the time and its making me sad
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i probably have a cold :( at least i know its not covid cuz i got it from my mom and she got tested
#i shoulddd probably not stay up so late but well. brain weird#idk how to describe my feelings anymore. brain weird idk.. i think i need more stimulation#im just bored all the time and its making me sad#quacking
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Been a fan of your fics for YEARS. I was just telling my friend how despite how much I read fics I never actually love them, with some of your fics (especially TMA) as the exception. Felt the need to reread some of them and saw you reblogged some ISAT fanart. So. Any thoughts on ISAT you'd like to share?
Hope you have a wonderful day!! So happy I found your fics again!!
I avoided answering this for a while because I was trying to think of a way to cohesively and coherently vocalize my thoughts on In Stars and Time. I have given up because I don't want to hold everybody here all day and I have accepted that my thoughts are just pterodactyl screeching.
I love it so much. I have so much to say on it. It drove me bonkers for like a week straight. I have AUs. It's absolute Megbait. They're just a little Snufkin and they're having the worst experience of anybody's life. Ludonarratives my fucking beloved.
I am going to talk about the prologue.
The prologue is such a fascinating experience. You crack open the game and immediately begin checking off all of the little genre boxes: mage, warrior, researcher, you're the rogue...some little kid who's there for some reason...alright, you know the score. You're in yet another indie Earthbound RPG, these are your generic characters, let's get the ball rolling.
Except then you realize that these characters are people. You feel instantly how you've entered the game at its last dungeon, at the end of the adventure. They have their own in-jokes, histories, backgrounds, adventures. They get along well and they're obviously close, but not in a twee or unrealistic way. They have so much chemistry and spirit and life. I fell in love with them so quickly.
But Sif doesn't. Sif kind of hates them, because they will not stop saying the same damn thing. They walk the same paths, do the same things, make the same jokes, expect Sif to say the same lines. They keep referencing a Sif we do not see, with jokes we never see him make and heroic personality he never shows - they reference a Sif who is dead - and Sif can't handle that, so he kills them too.
They become only an exercise in tedious frustration. Sif button mashes through their dialogue, Sif mindlessly clicks the same dialogue options, Sif skips through the tutorial, Sif blows through the puzzles. Sif turns their world into a video game. Sif is playing a generic RPG. Sif forgets their names. They are no longer people with in-jokes, histories, backgrounds, adventures. They're the mage, the warrior, the researcher, and...some random kid.
I did not understand the Kid's presence at first. I had no idea what they contributed to the game. They didn't do anything. As a party member in a video game, they're a bit useless. Why is the Kid there?
Because Sif's life isn't a video game. Because the kid isn't 'the kid'. They're Bonnie. Bonnie, who the party loves. Why is Bonnie there? Because they love them. There is no room for Bonnie in the boring RPG that Sif is playing. And then you realize that Sif is wrong, and that they've lost something extremely important, and that they'll never escape without it.
Watching the prologue before watching ISAT gave ISAT the most unique air of dread and horror, because you crack open ISAT and you see the person Sif used to be. You realize that Sif used to be a person. Sif used to be the person who made jokes, who gave real smiles, who interacted with the world as if they are a part of it. And you know you are sitting down to watch Sif lose everything that made them a person, to lose everything that made them a member of this world, and turn them into a character in a video game who doesn't understand the point of Bonnie at all.
At the climax of the game, when the others realize that something is deeply wrong and that Sif physically cannot tell them, they realize that there is nothing they can do. So Bonnie declares snacktime. And for the first time they have snacktime.
What is snacktime? Classic JRPGs don't have snacktime. There's literally no point to a snacktime - not in a video game, and not in Sif's terrible life. It's not fixing this, because nothing can fix this. But Bonnie gives Sif a cookie and Sif eats it.
It's meaningless. It's a cutscene. It didn't save Sif and it didn't change a thing. It will make no difference in the end.
But it did make the difference. It made all of the difference in the world. Bonnie is a character who you really don't understand the point of before you realize that Bonnie was the entire point.
ISAT is about comfort media. Why do we play the same video games over and over again? Why do we avoid watching the finale of our favorite shows? What is truly comforting: a story with no conflict, or a story where you always know what is about to happen? Do you want to live in a scary, uncontrollable world, or do you want to play Stardew Valley? Do you want a person or a character?
When I beat Earthbound for the first time (and if you don't know, the prologue/ISAT battle system is just Mother) and watched the ending cutscene where the characters part ways and say goodbye...I felt a little bit sad. I wanted them to be together forever. But that's something only characters could ever be.
#these aren't deep or unique thoughts they're just the specific aspect of ISAT that made it one of the most interesting gaming experiences#i actually like the prologue much more than ISAT for just this reason#its honestly a video game art piece that's created to give the player a very specific experience#that makes them an aspect of the narrative that is told#it's. incredible.#in stars and time#start again start again start again#start again: a prologue#isat#god and there is so so so so much more to say here#what a rich and complex and fascinating game that made me cry like a baby#i dont even kin sif. we arent similar at all.#i cant imagine how devastating this game would have been if i did#but I do have a deep relationship with escapsim#and i write about it a lot#and video games about being video games are wonderful#as are stories about being stories#and why we consume stories. how we use them. how they save us and hurt us.#never played a video game that used its medium so well#i bet undertales also pretty good at that but this is more so i think#stories about stories have to be about why we love stories#and im not an artsy person and i roll my eyes a bit when people talk about the spiritual neccesity of art#i think people need stories because the world is sad and hard and boring and we want to think about something else for a while.#some people need to be anywhere but here#and sometimes if you're Lil Depressed-Ass Snufkin that looks like being here forever#baby cringe-ass snufkin big hat idiot
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This is a lie actually I love Jung Yeseo in all his forms💛💜🤎 and I love Jesse Venetiaan too🥹... (but still..... 😔🫰🤎🐰)
#jung yeseo#jesse venetiaan#twsb#when the third wheel strikes back#shitpost#its true that i love yeseo in all his forms#and i love jesse's design + yeseo as jesse#(i like his palette a lot esp the purple... purple and yellow belong to him now#i love the og jesse too (thinking abt him makes me sad...)#but still.... i cant be the only one who has it bad for brown haired jung yeseo specifically#like i want to draw jesse he's pretty but#fsr i have the urge to draw jung yeseo like CONSTANTLY.#made this shitpost bc the thought is funny to me#me: biases the ''boring'' brownhaired 모태솔로 just some guy over his flashy prince form#also sidenote that first panel is so fucking funny to me OWYRJSGDJSS#DONT SHOW ME JESSES CHEST... IM CACKLING#HE HAS NO CHEST!!! shows me ce- *arrested and dragged away to the imperial prison*#gasping and wheezing for air its so funny... PFFFFTT#atp the webtoon artist has shown more fanservice of jesse than any other chara and that is so funny to me. theyre so unserious#im begging the webtoon artist to draw brown haired yeseo in his cardigan just one more time. just one more time i beg y#i wish they kept his comma bangs sidepart from the webnovel too...#my theory is that would have made him too handsome in 해그늘님’s artstyle and too many ppl would simp for him#so they had to nerf him to preserve his just some guy image#they were like on second thought its ooc for jung yeseo to know how to style his hair... just give him a bowlcut#(but he still looks gorgeous anyway)#but still... i would like to see it... but its ok. i'll just draw him instead KFJKSJS#see this is why i keep drawing him
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btw one of the things i want to do when i really rap up atbb for real is spontaneously get the energy at will to do actual updated fullbodies of the main 4 since now i actually have the ability to draw them the way they look in my head & have the skills to put some more variety in their shapes. basically i wanna
#warning big character design rambling in these tags but like. were u expecting any less#if ur wondering what changed-#first of all everybody has bigger hands bc i'm actively deciding to commit to that decision because i like it :3#next russ is a bit taller . i'll probably change some other things like making his armor look more solid & making him look more frail#-without it but i dont wanna pick up my tablet rn so thats all i feel like editing with my mouse lmao#edge has the biggest changes mostly in just being Wider. i want to make him Look stronger yknow#currently its just one of those annoying “skinny anime girl actually has 2d spraypainted abs and can lift a truck” tropes that i Hate#its a lil too many triangles when he should really be more like a triangle-flavored square. yknow#that being said the weirdly feminine hips were not intentional but only time will tell if they make it into the actual final design or not#i will not be making his pauldrons wider than they were originally. those things are already wacking everything around him they're fine#fluff's change is just being a bit skinnier so he looks more pathetic and sad. probably gonna try to make him look a bit younger too#but age is hard to represent with skeletons from The Land Of Sharp Features#i might also change up his pants/shoes more idk. Baggy Everything makes a very difficult silhouette and the boots are just boring tbhh#they're the bi flag but i dont think a single person has ever noticed lmao#and stretch's biggest change is that he's going to Have A Fullbody Reference That Isn't From 2019#probably make his hoodie longer/looser so i can make the transition to the leggings less awkward & show off his tank under it a bit more#the leggings & sneakers get to stay tho i think. the red wraps the design up well & the chicken legs are funny to me :>#and karma isn't here but he'll probably also get an update to be more square as well. and NOT SKINNYYYYYY#i gotta cram some more emotional repression & inferiority complex hints into his outfit so his post-void look contrasts more its IMPORTANT#AND ALSO NEVER USE UNDERTALE SPRITES AS A REFERENCE FOR ARMOR EVER EVER EVER AGAIN#that being said im really excited to one day finally sit down and draw his post-void design i think i'll have fun with that one#theres a reason my sf bros dont really fit their “roles” in the au yet like undyne & alphys do. hehehe#basically to sum up all these tags: becoming more skilled at art is a curse because you KNOW you can do things better now
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Late night magenta.
#im not going back to facebook#im not going back to twitter#or instagram#any of those#i realized not everyone is entitled to me and i to them#why force connections#why force people to be roots of your tree when they were supposed to be leaves that come and go with the seasons#not to mention why care about where i went off to where i had gone when i gave advance notice im out#is it out of sincerity cause you genuinely thought i vanished from the face of the earth#or is it you got bored with everyone else around you and saw me as a spare at the back of the shelf#or the secret third option you needed someone to talk to cause evidently im a damn good therapist and you don't have to pay me therapy money#im very careful who i give my energy to#if we pop into each others spheres lets not waste it even if its for a short amount of time#like you i can't be everyones root or branch or leaf for their tree#but i can always be the wind#all around and you might think of me often but im not here im somewhere else#dont mean for all the cryptic metaphors#im just frustrated so many people that ignored me when i was homeless and struggling finally want to see how I've been#when i put it out there i needed help#only to get told i “wasnt loud enough”#i don't hold resentment toward them or anger#if anything it makes me sad for them#cause they can't enjoy the person i am now#not unless i choose it#magenta is my vent word
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There’s been something building up in my chest and mind for a while now
It’s an odd feeling
#idk what it is but it’s been hurting a lot these past months and it keeps growing#it feels both like a huge hole in me and something so so so so full of emotions about to burst at the same time#i cant cry at all either nothing comes out so im left with this buildup of things inside that eat me up and make me want to#try things i shouldnt do in an attempt to be able to release some pressure. idk what it is. idk why it’s been getting so bad lately its just#my chest keeps feeling tighter and tighter and in a way i’m just like ‘well i hope my heart stops soon’#oh well it is what it is i’ll just see how many more weeks or months it can take i’ll keep u updated on when i have a full blown mental#breakdown where a year of negative emotions just come out 👍🏻 or maybe not depends on how it goes#oh i didnt mean to write so much heres a boring doodle from yesterday or a 2 days ago i think?#txt#was feelin blue for some reason#im hoping that the mental health will get the kind of bad where i make a lot of sad emo pieces in an attempt to not kms#those are my best works
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curls up
sighs
#ah h h h several of my fave coworkers are leaving !!#and im feeling ... sad about things#im also a bit upsetti that im like ... not really part of any shit outside of work either#id really like to see folks outside of work especially now some of my faves are leaving ??#but i uh never seem to be in the loop of .. anything ... somehow#like .. i dont want to intrude or be annoying either but its just making me feel very 13 again lol#idk i dont wanna be presumptuous or demanding either#i just didnt really realise there were so many dicrete groups of people who did shit together i think#i think people like me ? i think im not too boring ? i hope im not that weird or desperately uncool lol ?#folks CAN contact me so its not that either lol#.... oh well time to be sad and not act on anything at all !! :)#rory's ramblings
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perhaps the reason why aup ended like *that* is because it was not supposed to have a happy ending in the first place, but sayren didnt have the guts to deal with readers' backlash for when they finally kill off the main character so a half baked happy ending is what we get 😔
#for a happy ending of a story to be narratively satisfying the characters gotta actively work hard for it#this happy ending feels empty because quite frankly speaking ludger did nothing to deserve it#he has zero character developments from the beginning to the end and has always been the same#well except for his emotional state getting worse over time#bc instead of making any attempt at all to healthily address it like a mentally mature 40yo adult he let it swallow him whole#(not that im necessarily blaming him but its quite frustrating to see him remain unchanged if aup is meant to be a redemption story)#his OPness is inherent#his genius is inherent#(this is not to say he isnt hardworking / only relying on his inborn talents but the author repeatively failed the 'show dont tell' checks)#(bc it was only implied in the past and we've never truly seen it in the canon present timeline either)#his kindness is inherent#ngl dad!ludger content doesnt appeal to me as much as dad!edgeworth cuz the latter is the fruit of the character's growth and hard labor#while the former is well... its just who he is#usually i love found family content but in aup it bores my mind out bc his interactions w the students + owens are so static & predictable#it was heartwarming at the moment of adoption but later on i find it as tedious as reading generic established romantic relationships#was it because of the lack of tensions and conflicts i wonder#they all became his yes men and no one ever actively challenged his unhealthy mindset or behaviors#anyway id have been more interested if he recognized his biases/favoritism/prejudices towards some certain characters & worked to change it#but welp. that would require character growth which is too much to expect from him ig#he has learnt quite nothing from his journey and tbh aup would ironically feel more meaningful if it ended on a tragic note#ofco i got noblesse'd again 😔#would i kill for aup to have a happy ending? yes#would i rather have a sad ending over the half baked and empty good ending we get? also yes#if it must burn then let the whole world burn. cuz at least it would be more much memorable and impactful that way#and i wouldnt have to feel this disappointed and lose all of my interests in one of my only two beloved aroace MCs in aup </2#rant
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gd. i need to watch 10 things i hate about you again
#I'm getting rly sad abt everything again i need my friend kat stratford nobody gets me thebway she does#but most of all i hate the fact i hate you not even clode not even a little not even at all Im gonna kns.#i love how her poem is very very emotional and makes me cry but it also so perfectly is like. a poem a heartbroken highschooler would write#like it isnt good. ykwin like it IS it evokes emotion but its very like. idk it judt feels like a real highschooler would write it after a#bad breakup n i think thats nice. bc i think they couldve had like. a way more generic technically better poem#and it just wouldnt have fit as well bc id be like No she didnt write that#the poem just did a rly good job capturing like. Her voice even tho we dont roy see her writing at all aside from the poem its likee. it#truly feels like she would write it... basically. good movie snd i miss it and i miss patrick also. and whats his face and Bianca are there#too i guess.#sry theyre sp boring and kat and pat are my best friends of all time they stole the show so much .
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#just another day of not being good at anything at all ever#so fucked up that us neurodivergent people have to live in the neurotypical-designed world#im not 'normal' im not made to function like other 'normal' people#and it makes me feel like such a useless hopeless pathetic loser and man its unfair#because it's not my fault but it is somehow#damn i wish i could be normal#i wish i wasnt so exhausted and sad and anxious and bored all the time#anyway
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...
#its so crazy to me how chemically driven my mood and focus are#like intelligently i understand im a machine of flesh and blood propelled by chemical signals#but its so crazy that when im menstruating i can actually feel things. like media can actually affect me#like that does not usually happen. i can watch some grotesque shit and no reaction#but then i watch the terror for like the 10th time while on my period and im like oh fuck. fuck. that would be so scary. this makes me sad#or like my focus gets all fucked up. like sometimes it goes fucking crazy and feels outta control and im like what sort of chemical#imbalance is causing this lol???#fortunately its not bad enough thst id want to do something about it#i mean maybe i should bc when im like not in a good place generally it can get a little wild but like most of the time its ok#its just a very clear sign that i have some sort of chemical imbalance that affects my mood which i think is interesting#i wish i could feel things more often tho. emotions r interesting and i get so bored#i want thr spooky feels tho. its hall0ween season#i gotta watch some spooky media#unrelated
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damn i never thought i'd get into stardew valley this much but here we are !! makes perfect sense tho
#⋯ ꒰ა starry thoughts ໒꒱ *·˚#heyy this adds to my roster of games that actually have Evidence#gotta play more soulsborne legitimately soon so i have more evidence of my range LMFAO ...#i love how my. taste in games is really broad tbh! i'm willing to try anything out but i do uhh am less inclined to the more popular ones?#unless i get into them by way of. personal. or without outside influence#but if there's a certain something that makes me dislike a media yeah ... i do end up more indifferent tho. ultimately#i think sdv is another huge example of how me and lune really go all in when getting into smth#like terraria. but we end up forgetting about it pretty soon after. oops!#it depends tbh on how bored we are? how much we have to do. so yeah#xiv was That for a very long time bcs we didn't really have anything else uhh insert hashtag xiv was there for us when nobody was#aaa so thankful to xiv fr. idk. i think about what it has done for me sometimes and i get really emotional!#also funny how things connect. i got back into tumblr bcs of jjk and then connected w others mostly thru gi. and then twt thru a friend i#met thru a school event wholy thru chance. who got me back into twt where i connected with others thru ff(xiv)#and i find it fascinating how people make friends irl! i think its easy for me to feel that way 1. its just who i am lol its in my nature#2. im more of a bystander so. yeah. ez for me to study people and people-watch. idm that much tbh#it's funny... hmm interesting? a bit sad too. wnvr i want to. Take A Step Further. i end up not caring anymore LMFAOOO but tbh it's really#nice in the long run! my outlook on life is pretty weird tbh like uhh... idk. hard to explain. complex#whenever i face a problem i'm. absolutely confident i'll get over it. and unfortunately i feel like that... sense of confidence is rather ra#rare*? idk. and the fact i've always known (always!) i'd love myself no matter what. even if sometimes i would be really insecure. i never#truly hated myself and i sincerely doubt i ever will. but the fact i often suceed and rise from my failures that sometimes they don't feel#like failures doesn't mean that uhh i'll end up facing my downfall through. naive confidence? i try to be self-aware and do my best for no#regrets and it's fascinating how my values in life are shaped by my past. not just me. everyone. damn. i think the formative years of a#person are so goddamn fascinating and also i'm still unsure what i want for college but it's already fucking march HELP#anyway wow. i dont want to be too harsh on myself if the What If bad scenario/s end up happening but i'll really try my best#my aunts on my dad side both got into up diliman and i'll be damned if i don't. i know i can do it. i just gotta put in a ton of effort.#okay rambles bye bye#also i've been staying up until 3/4 ever since break LMFAOOO SDV HAS RUINED ME dw i'll be good again next week lmfao
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what are you suppose to do when all the coping skills a therapist would teach you arent working
#ABC shut it#trying to self therapy myself sucks but how am i suppose to get better#but none of these skills seems to be working anymore and im just sick of it#sick of feeling depressed and bad all the time#sick of feeling like only bad things happen to me (they do)#(i get my hopes up and encourage myself for once and its always the same outcome of sadness and dissapointment)#like what am i suppose to do when the world is out to get me#and i feel like i havve no one and im so alone#its so bad i justhave a meltdown over every little thing bc nothing in my life NEVER goes right nothing good EVER happens#this is not the depression talking these are facts and tract records#itry and i try and things stuill dont work out for me#i try and make more friends and i feel like they all just think im annoying and wish i wouldnt talk to them#like i know i cant except to be talked to first but what am i suppose to do when i try to engage and im just talked over and ignored#or i get thevibe the person doesnt actually like me or is talking to me anyways just to get it over with#and and the paranoia is bad on top of just the general depressionbut what am i suppose to do abt it if i feel i cant talk to anyone abt it#bc all i do is complain but what do i have to talk abt if my life is boring and nothign interseting happens to me#the only interesting thing abt me is i know ppl who have way more interesting lives then me and are more successful than me#like what am i suppose to do when i want to kill myself but cant bc all the ways to kill yourself sound fucking horrible ways to go out
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It's finally mona's birthday here!!! Happy birthday to mona!!!!
#hmm i suppose this is some sort of love post about her??#more like what i usually do but its special cause its her birthday YAY!!#ive loved mona ever since i heard her first song!!#at the beginning i just thought she'd be another character who i was obsessed with temporarily before i forgot about them lol#but her songs genuinely helped whenever i broke down!!#hontonowatashi especially…#since there are people who love me and there are times when i lash out at them and proceed to believe i dont deserve them#anyways!!#17sai just makes me happy!!#im not sure if there's any concrete reason#but listening to 17sai is really soothing!!!#i love all her songs of course!!!#and i love her design so much!!!!#and all her costumes are so adorable!!!#i love mona so much !!!!#im glad i can listen to her songs and look at her pictures on my phone when im bored#or sad#because it feels like she's cheering for me even though she doesn't know me#hmm... also#compared to most of my haniwa mutuals#im a recent fan#so uhm lets see…#even though ive known her less longer#i hope im still a proper fan!!!#or something like that…#ANYWAYS#HAPPY BIRTHDAY MONA!!! THANK YOU FOR BEING BORN!!!!#🐇` ┊͙ monaposting ❞#.mimiming ❜
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its always like this. i wanna make a family bc i want a second chance to live things my family couldnt give me first
#every christmas this feeling becomes bigger#no gifts no christmas tree. a bunch of old people and me and my brothers isolating ourselves in the kitchen#old aunties leave right before they eat. none of that weird but fun family gathering things no drunk uncles making a scene no jokes#no cousins no traditions no secret santa nothing#my grandma makes everything by herself and nothing ever changes it only gets worse as she gets older and more tired of it#we used to have all of it when we were very little i still remember the magic but its been lost since long ago#now i dream of gathering my family at my own house and making that magical christmas happen again...#ofc this isnt just about christmas but u know. everyone's posting about their christmas and im like. ok... why is mine so boring and sad#if it wasnt for me we wouldnt even have played anything everyone wouldve just sit in the living room checking their phones...#im the one who's like lets listen to music!! lets play a game!! lets sit all together!! lets do something fun!!#and im not even sure any of them realize how im trying to bring family together and make an actual good time out of it lol#aunties leaving right AFTER* they eat oops that didnt even make sense jgbfj
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Replaying p3 is such a frightening experience because it forces me to remember Ikutski is a real character that exists
#persona#the klock keeps ticking#like. idk what they put in this guy that makes him so forgettable to me but its like#i literally forget he exists every single time i boot up the game#and even when i remember beforehand that hes gonna be there so i need to anticipate him. i still get jumpscared when i see him#i dont think there are enough words in the world to emphasize how much i hate this guy#forget madarame forget teddie THIS GUY this fucking yassified ben franklin bitch? hes the worst persona character#he doesnt even do jack shit its literally all mitsuru like every time he shows up to help he ends up doing absolutely nothing#and mitsuru has to pick up the slack#also like when i complain about the original p3 voice acting im. mostly complaining about him#im sure his VA is very talented has probably voiced characters i know and love but god like#its so bad in this game he sounds so robotic and fuzzy its like theres big red arrows pointing at him#saying THIS GUY IS BORING AND IS JUST HERE TO EXPLAIN PLOT STUFF YOU DIDNT EVEN NEED HIM TO TELL YOU#also my hatred of Ikutski fuels my growing protectiveness towards mitsuru#cuz hes just so incompetent unreliable just creates more work for her but then acts like hes a trustworthy adult#and its so sad cuz all mitsuru needs is like. any positive mentor who can be responsible for her#and all she gets is this shit and while i think its funny how obviously evil Ikutski is its also like#dont blame mitsuru or really any of these characters for a second for not realizing it cuz like. its not like she has any frame of reference#for how a caring responsible adult behaves! and hes with the kirijo group which she has to trust cuz its all shes ever known#and she has to base her entire life around the group and never step out of line or question authority!#its a very interesting dynamic but also unfortunately Ikutski is not a very interesting character#oh boy do i try to make him interesting when i write him but god i just hate him so much lol#running him over with a bus i hate you stupid bitch get out of my head 👺👺👺
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