#but none of these skills seems to be working anymore and im just sick of it

[professionaljester]

what are you suppose to do when all the coping skills a therapist would teach you arent working

[oceansdeepa]

ok 28 and 30 with austin ? from the angst list

28. “I’m fine, stop asking.”

30. “Don’t touchme.”

All night Austin is greeted with congratulatory hugsand quick short conversations. Friends, family and art critics alike have taken theirtime to come to his first art show.  He’s worked for nearly a year onthis. Painting the portraits that displayed his artistic skills and theemotions behind it. Except that none of the praises seemed to dull the ache inhis heart.

Because you weren’t there. And as much as the ravereviews coming throughout the night made him smile and joke for the moment. Asit passed and the crowd would disperse to look around, he’d be reminded of yourabsence.

If you were here, you’d hold his hands. Rub tinycircles inside the palms of his hands. Carving out invisible lines that wouldpush down the nerves. Your smile, which radiated like sunlight was somethingAustin could never get sick of. And it was the inspiration for one of his paintings. 

His friends tried to get Austin to callyou. “Maybe she forgot. You should just call her.” The boy with glassessaid. His hair had a blonde streak, that shown brightly against the otherwise darkchestnut of his hair.

Austin’s not a stubborn man but he won’t call you.He’s given you enough reminders and texts of the special day. Two weeks inadvance he’s discussed the event, what it meant to him and what having youthere would mean. You had shrugged it off, telling him that work was hectic,and you would try and make it if you can.

“If she cares, she’ll come. If not, I guess…. ” Austindoesn’t dare to finish the sentence. The truth of it all would be too much totake in. That maybe he wasn’t as important to you as work was. 

Was that selfish? Was he selfish?

When the boy with glasses tries to console Austin,moving in for a hug, Austin dodges it. “Don’t say anything else. Imfine, stop asking.” Austin gives his friend a smile, though it doesn’treach his eyes. Seems a little artificial but he doesn’t have the energy foranything genuine.

The night passes, more friends and family arrive.Pictures are taken and some of his extra works is sold. Few patrons haverequested commissions and Austin has more numbers of new connections than everbefore.

There’s only twenty minutes left until the art showsover. Only close friends and family have remained. Austin’s sure you won’t makeit. His hearts heavy, but he figures, or assumes you had a reason. Maybe workwas really busy.

—–

You entered the gallery in a rush. Sure that your parking was terrible and hoped that no one would hit your car trying to getout. You tried to slow your pace, afraid of running but more afraid of beingeven more late. Your watch blinked with the time and you muttered under yourbreath, ‘shit, shit.’

Austin’s back is faced towards you. His brown hairreaches just below his neck and you muse to yourself about how long it has gotten.He doesn’t seem to notice the way you scrambled to his side of the of the room.His eyes dart to an abstract painting. There’s a gold line that covers themiddle of the artwork and you wonder what it means.

Clearing your throat, you make your presenceknown. “So, tell me about this. What does it mean?”  Austin’sshoulders tense up. He knows the voice, knows it very well.

When he turns to look at you, you’re met with amixture of surprise and something else in his eyes. No one says a thing for awhile. “This.” Austin begins forcing himself to stop staring atyou. “Uh, it’s a painting I drew. The gold lines are bright, like the sun.I placed it there because someone’s smile reminded me of, uh. the sun.”  Red creepsthe side of his cheeks, coating them in blotch of crimson.

Your smile is wide, and yourcheeks may hurt if you hold it any longer. “Is that so. I wonder who the luckygirl is.” You question, feigning ignorance. Your arms reach over to pull Austininto a hug. But he dodges. Using one of his hands as barrier between yourbodies.

“Don’t touchme.”

(He’s upset, you think toyourself)

“Austin. I’m sorry I’m late. Butwork was busy. I couldn’t just leave.”

“Late?” There’s a hitch in histone. He’s trying not to yell. “You almost missed the opening entirely.” There’shurt between his words, unspoken syllables of disappointment that lingers theair.

“You know how much this promotionmeant to me.”

Austin shakes his head, not willingto let you off so easily. “And you know how much this artwork and this showmeant to me.”

You bite the bottom of your lips,contemplating your choice of words. “I know, but –” Austin cuts you off.Unwilling to hear anymore excuses from you. He rubs the side of his jaw and youanxiously hold in a breath. His coping mechanism when he was upset, and you rarelysaw him do that.

Austin exhales a breath, its longand drawn out. As if it was held in for a longtime. “I’m glad you were able tomake it after all. Even if it was an hour and half late. Maybe if you want youcan look around and see some of my other paintings.”

You could only look at him indisbelief, eyes wide.

“I’ll be home late. Don’t wait up.” Austin says before he turns away. Leavingyou alone with your thoughts.

[andonutty]

a fool’s guide to coping w bpd

ok so for the record im NOT a mental health professional, im just... someone with bpd who’s coping and thought i’d share my tips. i think making a post like this will a) reach more people, and b) help my friends more than me just offering advice when they come to me for help. bpd affects everyone differently, and i can’t claim to totally understand the struggles of everyone who has it, but if you’re struggling right now and you just don’t know what to do or where to go, i gotchu fam. so without further ado... a step-by-step guide for coping with bpd

tw for mentions of emotional manipulation, self-harm, and suicide. none of it is in-depth, but i figured i’d warn anyway.

1) decide that you want to cope in a healthier way.

this seems kinda strange as a first step, but to me it really is the most important step. living with bpd all my life and being in therapy since i was 10 taught me a lot about willingness. saying “i want to be healthier” sounds like a no-brainer, but it’s actually really difficult. you have to sit yourself down and ask yourself: do i really want to fundamentally change the way i think about situations, about myself, and about other people? am i willing to work on this, even though it’s hard? and am i willing to give up on the unhealthy coping mechanisms i’ve been clinging onto?

i’m being totally genuine here: it took me years to get to the point where i could say: yeah, i really, really want to stop emotionally manipulating people to get what i want. i’m so sick of basing my self-worth on what other people say and do. i’m so scared that i am my bpd, and that there’s nothing else inside me; i don’t want it to be that way anymore. i want to have healthy and fulfilling relationships with other people. i want people to stop being afraid of me. i want to love myself. i really and truly do. and only when you come to that (awful, gut-wrenching) revelation can you actually start helping yourself. if you’re not at that point, that’s totally fine. i had to go through a hell of a lot to get there, and i understand not everyone is there. i wish everyone who can’t make this decision yet the best, but i really don’t think this post will be the miracle cure you’re hoping for. you can still read it for sure! i’m just saying that this first step was an extremely necessary one for me, and the next steps get a lot easier once you make this decision.

okay, so you’ve come to the realization that you really, really want to learn some new coping mechanisms. where do you start?

2) look into dbt (dialectical behaviour therapy).

ok. i’ve been going through dbt for a while, and i swear to god, it’s good. dbt was made for people with bpd, and it’s different from cbt in that the skills aren’t just cognitive. there are four sections of dbt skills: mindfulness, emotion regulation, distress tolerance, and interpersonal effectiveness. it may seem overwhelming, but all these skills are very practical and don’t just focus on “hey you’re thinking this? stop it.“ if you have access to a counsellor or therapist, ask them about dbt. if you don’t have access, try to find some stuff you can work on online. i did a quick search and found three sites (one, two, three).

if you have a therapist or counsellor that you can talk to about this, feel free to skip the rest of this section (or read it so you can surprise your therapist with your knowledge). for those of you who don’t have someone to guide you through this, i’m aware all these skills seem incredibly daunting. my recommendations for beginner skills are the following:

PLEASE skill, or reducing vulnerability to emotions (under emotion regulation)

nonjudgmental stance (under mindfulness)

stop, tip, distraction, or improve skills (under distress tolerance)

dear man or myths about interpersonal effectiveness (under interpersonal effectiveness)

reducing emotion vulnerability was the first skill i started working on. when i was first diagnosed with bpd, i was working at a restaurant without any meal breaks. i’d have meltdowns at work and after work, and it took this skill for me to realize that i needed to pack a snack or eat right after getting off my shift, because i was most vulnerable to my emotions when i was hungry or tired. when you understand how food, sleep, exercise, mood-altering substances, etc. all play into how vulnerable you are to your emotions, you can start thinking more clearly about situations and you can start coping ahead to reduce that vulnerability ahead of time. you’d be surprised how much this one helps.

nonjudgmental stance is probably one of the most helpful skills i learned. one of my therapists put it this way: if bpd is an allergy, then invalidation is the allergen. meaning: the thing that’s going to irritate your bpd and trigger problem behaviours is invalidation of emotions. it’s shame, and judgment. everyone judges themselves (which isn’t really healthy, but it is a part of our societal structure), but for us? that shit hurted. i can’t count the amount of times that i’ve been crying and then thought something like “god, you’re just so pathetic“ and started crying even harder. our impulsive behaviour and the decisions we regret almost always stem from a core feeling of being invalidated. remember that time that you were talking about your feelings to someone and they seemed dismissive, so you decided you hated them with every fiber of your being? yep, me too. that’s us reacting to invalidation. in general, we don’t really validate ourselves. quite the opposite! most of the time, we tear ourselves down and expect others to fill that void for us. (a lot of people do this, but it’s really problematic for us in particular because of our generally self-destructive behaviour.) so learning to be compassionate with ourselves is a really important step to take. if you like meditations, look up loving kindness and self-compassion meditations. rain is also a really good meditation to do, but i think it can be really painful to do when you’re just starting out. i’ve linked it at the bottom if you want to check them out, but try not to overload yourself! just stick to one you really like.

stop, tip, distract, and improve are all really good skills to start out with because they’re skills you use for when your skills run out. if you find yourself really struggling with crisis situations a lot, these are good to start out with. they’re specifically meant to calm you down, to get your emotions and adrenaline to a manageable level. if you struggle a lot with engaging in problem behaviour under stress, this one is golden. i used to struggle a lot with substance abuse, and these skills were lifesavers. instead of going right for the substance, i’d use stop. i’d distract myself for a while, surf the urge until the wave of emotion passes. then i could use skills like please by getting something to eat, or dear man by addressing the interpersonal problem with a level head. and on that note...

dear man / myths about interpersonal effectiveness, which is a great skill if your main problem is about asking for help or establishing boundaries. i used to have a lot of problems about asking for things properly (hence my habit of emotionally manipulating others to get what i wanted or needed), because i felt that if someone said no to me, i wouldn’t be able to handle it. or that people would hate me if i asked for things, or that i should be able to handle things on my own. in a way, it felt easier to rely on making others feel bad for not doing more for me rather than to ask outright. these myths are hard to unlearn, but it’s a good place to start if your main trigger is about boundaries or asking for help.

ok, so you’ve started working on a skill. a skill. don’t burn yourself out here, it’s okay (and more productive) to just focus on one instead of trying to change yourself overnight. and on that note...

3) be kind. remember change won’t happen overnight, and keep going.

this one is difficult, because... like, it’s not gonna be easy. i remember i used to have meltdowns and think, “no. i’m tired of being skillful. i’m tired of being the bigger person. i’m sick of this.” and that’s why the first step is so important, because you’re going to need that resolve to say, “hey, i haven’t engaged in my problem behaviour for so long. let’s not start now. i know it’s frustrating, i know it’s so easy to go back to what we know, and at the same time, i want to be better. i know i can be better.”

and even if you do engage in that problematic behaviour again (which, let’s face it, you probably will, because no one is perfect and everyone messes up, and that’s 100% okay), you need to remember this and be compassionate with yourself. everyone messes up. everyone says things they don’t mean to. everyone does things that they regret. everyone falls into old patterns from time to time. what’s important here is to stop beating yourself up over it and start doing something different. if you went back to self-harm, if you started calling up everyone you know and threatening to kill yourself, whatever it is — don’t conflate yourself with the behaviour. instead, take ownership of it. make amends with those you hurt instead of running away or self-sabotaging, think about what happened and try to make sure it doesn’t happen again. slip-ups happen to everyone. literally everyone. so please try not to be hard on yourself if it happens. be disciplined, but not harsh. i promise, beating yourself up over mistakes is only going to hurt you and everyone around you.

conclusion

if you’ve read this far, thank you so much for doing so. i know that when you’re in the thick of it, it’s so hard to imagine yourself having a future, to imagine that you can make friends, keep people around, be anything but the sum total of your perceived failures. but you can. it’s difficult, believe me, it’s difficult, but it’s possible. and i believe you can do it. and trust me, there’s no way you’re going to disappoint me, no matter how much you feel like you’ve fucked up. if you can, just try it out, and i’ll be cheering you along every step of the way.

more resources, if you’d like them:

in general, this site is pretty good for handouts. and again, here are the three sites i linked above (one, two, three) that i found through a cursory search. 

also, look into unhelpful thinking styles if you want. this is the worksheet i have, and it’s genuinely really useful. i keep it in my workbook and look at it to remind myself of when i’m unintentionally using them.

russ harris, who talks a lot about living a fulfilling life. here are some videos of his that i really like (internal struggles, the choice point, the struggle switch).

jon kabat-zinn and mbsr (mindfulness-based stress reduction). seriously if you’re into mindfulness this guy is so good. 9 attitudes in particular is a video i personally really like.

the aforementioned rain meditation, by tara brach. this one is all about learning what you need and providing it for yourself. it’s part of the larger loving kindness and self-compassion umbrella.

kristen neff has a website with self-compassion exercises, as well as books and such that she’s published. if she’s not your style, search up loving kindness or self-compassion meditations and i’m sure you’ll find other people that you might vibe with more.

i know brené brown deadass exploded in popularity a while back, but there’s a reason she did. all of her stuff about shame is incredible. here are two of her ted talks that hit different for me personally (listening to shame, the power of vulnerability)

also, if you can... maybe invest in a dbt skills workbook. i use the actual marsha linehan dbt skills training book, which can be a little complicated, but it works for me because my therapist is there to explain it. i’ve heard good things about the dbt skills workbook by matthew mckay, but i’ve never used it personally so i can’t attest to how comprehensive it is. if you can go to like, an actual bookstore and flip through the pages, that’d be ideal. but since we’re in a pandemic, idk how feasible that is. i’m not really a self-help book kind of person, but i’d recommend authors like pema chödrön, brené brown, kristen neff, and russ harris (and jon kabat-zinn? does he publish books? if he does then i rec them). if you’re in a post-secondary institution, try checking your school’s library! i’ve found a few books there. also, public libraries tend to have some of these books too. so if you don’t have the money to actually go out and buy these books, i’d suggest borrowing books from libraries and photocopying the pages.

[abundantchewtoys]

HS Epi: Meat p19 reaction

I... don't really know what to expect anymore.

What could the wallet contain. A Dad note. A Terezi note. Or captchalogued people?

Odds are even we won't be seeing it right away. Though I'd dread to see Dirk's omniscient narrative voice take over narration of the post-victory scenes.

Still, Dirk should know better by now than to rely on his strong points this much. They're not evened out by a reliable moral compass all the time, and he's seen the results of that before. Guess with great knowledge comes great arrogance.

"Anyway, back to the B Plot." Ah yes, the B Plot. On Earth C. Featuring A2 trolls Karkat and Kanaya.

"Right about now, Jade should be wrapping up her political presentation to Roxy and Calliope" Ah, skipping right to the end of that, are we.

"Jade’s got this disarming combo of head-in-the-clouds flightiness and the kind of legit, down-to-earth cred that can only be earned by having done something like cutting open your own grandfather and stuffing him full of polyurethane foam." Ah yes, one of these definitely led to the other.

"neoliberal austerity measures" How often can we repeat the same 3 words?

"

Roxy groans upon hearing the phrase “neoliberal austerity measures” for no less than the third time in this presentation." Roxy the audience surrogate. Since it's our 3rd time too.

"JADE: as i outlined here in graph b-2 JADE: and here in figure a-6" It's a good thing timelines can only be scratched the once. A6 Alternia would have been a dreadful sight.

"JADE: and here!!! in this very spooky drawing i dictated to callie JADE: (great drawing by the way!!!) CALLIOPE: ^u^" Hah, Calliope's drawing skills have found another use! Political Powerpoints.

"JADE: the thing is that jane is an establishment leader JADE: shes looking at doing things the way our old universes did them JADE: shes pretty convinced that shes going to be able to replicate the capitalist hierarchies that earth had but in a more “responsible” way JADE: but none of that stuff actually worked!!!!!" That's a nice summary of the things that are wrong to Jane's approach, actually. Though it doesn't provide an answer to the underlying problem yet.

"ROXY: and u think karkat can do better? JADE: i think its worth it to give him a chance JADE: hes a leader of the people AND hes experienced firsthand what happens when establishment goes too far JADE: which i imagine you can sympathize with!" This really feels like a boardroom conference, with Jane trying to get a preliminary backing out of a captain of industry.

"Her graphs are floating around the living room in disarray." Hah, she's using her space powers for this in another mundane application. Though... not in any offical setting, it seems. Roxy and Calliope's home.

"CALLIOPE: i’m... CALLIOPE: going to get Us tea and snacks. woUld yoU like some, jade?" To be fair, Calliope's probably going to follow Roxy in her eventual decision, anyway. Her childhood fascination with trolls might have been abandoned for new interests, or she might trust her friend's judgment in matters political.

"Calliope excuses herself from the conversation, and flees to the kitchen, seemingly making no attempt to disguise the fact that she is in fact fleeing." What a cutey. Calliope might in fact be trying to flee anything reeking of negativity, associating it with black romance and such.

"Jade deflates as she watches her go, sensing that her presentation wasn’t the slam dunk she was hoping for." It's so easy forgetting that the narration is also at least in part steering the story at this point. >_<

"ROXY: well i gotta say ROXY: this has been a hella convincing argument all in all ROXY: buuuuut idk if i can help u out" Maybe they would actually like to stay neutral?

"She and Calliope live in a belfry above New Prospit. One end of their living room is an oriel window that looks out over a public park. The other disappears into an arcading hallway lit at the far end by a giant stained glass window that Calliope made herself. The corbels supporting it have windy, abstract shapes carved into them." Artsy! I didn't know what to picture for their living space, but actually Calliope taking to carapacian art-deco and giving it a cheruban twist really works!

"That’s what keeps Jade Harley flitting from couch to couch, relationship to relationship. She can’t stop thinking to herself that “home” comes awfully close to rhyming with “alone.”" Home Alone, huh?

"Home is John, who doesn’t call anymore. Home is when Rose and Kanaya welcome her in from a cold night and help her set lyrics to her sick basslines. Home is here, snorting at Roxy’s irreverent method of storytelling and admiring Callie’s art. Home is Dave and Karkat." This REALLY reminds me of the Tramp, as he had a home in every street he frequented.

"ROXY: im alls ABOUT the sowing of discord among my childhood friends" She's had quite her fill of the dramas. That's a valid reason to stay out of it. She'll just have to weight it against the downsides of not influencing the outcome of the election in any positive way.

"JADE: dirk got to you first ROXY: not even ROXY: i got no problem tellin dirk where to stick it lmao ROXY: but dirks not the one running JADE: you think hes NOT the one pulling the strings behind the scenes? ROXY: sure but give janey a lil credit" On the one hand I'm glad Roxy's got such a backbone, on the other hand, off course we know Dirk's still influencing the outcome at the moment. Also, uh, he's got no issues invading the lives of his friends personally, even after telling us off on the subject first.

"ROXY: but shes yknow JADE: ruthless? :B

Roxy frowns. Jade is being pretty unfair." I get the feeling Jade is less good at filtering her words lately. And I also get the feeling Dirk is starting to sow a little conflict.

"ROXY: shes gotta be miss perfect all the time for the billboards n press meetings ROXY: always wearin those power suits trying to look like a big bad bitch JADE: you mean like....... the condesce? ROXY: wow ouch JADE: im not just imagining it though, right??? JADE: you see it too JADE: not to dredge up something horrible from your history JADE: but her whole image is just kinda...... *woof* ROXY: is that what you guys think? ROXY: u and dave and karkat?" It's something they should have brought up via intermediary channels to Jane on beforehand. Not let fester until all they could think of to "stop" her was introduce a late-to-the-party candidate.

Jade might also be doubly upset with Jane for seemingly mirroring the Condesce, as they were both brainwashed by her.

"Roxy leans forward and stares Jade down, like she’s searching for something behind Jade’s eyes." That's the same thing she did with John! Guess she's trying to find out some of her secrets.

"Jade unwittingly responds in kind, looking for meaning behind Roxy’s gaze. But she comes up empty. And to be honest, so do I." That unfathomable personality might be your spanner in the works, Dirk. I can only hope she's secretly onto him. Her Void powers manifest the 'obscurity' different from Equius.

"In the spirit of full disclosure, Roxy’s the only one left I haven’t been able to crack. Her mind remains a total enigma to me, just like it always has." It's interesting, since they share so much in childhood upbringing, progeny, demeanor even at times...

"invisible, even to increasingly omniscient parties such as myself" *coughDocScratchcough* ... What would Reload Roxy be doing right now, assuming the session's timeline didn't stop when Caliborn's soul 'left' it?

"ROXY: but shes not betty crocker ROXY: and i luv her and i dont wanna hurt her feelings" N'aww.

"ROXY: and thats p much all there is to say on the matter" Second time the phrase's been used in the epilogues!

"CALLIOPE: oh, i’d rather stay Uninvolved, thank yoU." Passive player to the brink.

"CALLIOPE: i feel like interfering in both politics and a personal argUment between my friends woUld be impolite as well as kind of... stressfUl, to be honest. JADE: yeah JADE: sorry callie i probably shouldnt have put all that on you CALLIOPE: less apologizing, more snacking!" It's nice to see they're cutting her some slack. A horrible childhood, an early death, a spiel as a ghost... Oh, sure, she's one of the good guys and as such would have some responsibilities in the end, but it's nice for a change they don't expect too much from her. Maybe a bit too little for her own good, but still.

"Calliope claps her hands together. It’s a bright noise. Her tone of voice is bright too. All these years and she still can’t believe that she has so many friends. She smiles at Jade, and Jade smiles back. The tea tastes great. The cakes are even better. Callie’s an artist in everything she does." ^u^ Aww, that warms my heart at least.

"JADE: wow callie youre such an amazing hostess!" ... Well, she's a more excellent host than Doc Scratch, for sure!

"ROXY: psst not “her,” “them”" ... I see! Well, guess we'll be getting some more insight into the androgyn bodies of cherubs and how Calliope has updated her self image over all these years? Caliborn still had the giant eyelashes, so it stands to reason there were also other, more masculine traits to Calliope's body even when she still shared it with her brother.

"JADE: oh wow!" Oh, I figured Jade already knew about Calliope's preferred pronouns, but it seems not!

"CALLIOPE: bUt i did take comfort in “being a girl” for a very long time. this is something i’ve only recently decided." ... I just remembered how Calmasis also was this androgynous figure. ... I wonder if Calliope will be thinking about a name change.

So, I don't think Roxy's haircut is a sign she's genderfluid now too, but I imagine a lot of fanart has already been created for butch!Roxy by the time I read this.

"ROXY: m-me too actually" Oh. N-never mind then. That caught me unaware! I didn't see that in Roxy. For one, despite all the pink and the ponies, she didn't seem like she felt "trapped" in a role to me. Unlike Calliope, where I can see how she might have felt obliged to embrace everything not-Caliborn.

But this does shed a whole new light on Mom's overly childish and girlish bedroom in the lab. Like she was trying to compensate for something. Uhm... It might also be one of the main reasons behind her drinking problem. Her embracing girlish, adult woman habits but never feeling like they 'fit'.

Well well. Homestuck's main characters continue to be representation incarnate.

"Wait.

   What?" PFFFFFFFFFF. I love it. Dirk's reaction is gold. Guess this completely blindsided him too and didn't shed any more lights on the inner workings of her mind than he thought. So even if he knew she was holding something back after the "yea", and maybe encouraged her to keep speaking, he didn't know what to expect.

"Roxy? Seriously?

Like I said, fucking inscrutable." Dirk has NOT just had an "I knew it!" moment.

"I never would have guessed. Not that I’ve spent much time contemplating issues related to gender. I’m pretty secure in my expression of masculinity, and..." That's a suspiciously specific acknowledgement, though, Dirky boy. :P

"You know what? Fuck this. I don’t owe anyone an explanation of any sort on this topic. I’m confident with who I am, what I am, my gender, as well as my understanding of the concept. You want my honest opinion? It’s fucking fantastic. Good for them. Both of them, I mean, but also, both of them in a singular fashion, since each one can now individually be referred to by the conventionally plural word “them.”" Pffff, of all the things. I didn't think this would have Dirk fly off the handle in such a Dave-way, while still narrating, but I'm happy to see it. In an out-of-story sense, Dirk is currently the audience surrogate, showcasing what a "true fanboy"'s reaction could be like, if they were both shocked to the core but mature enough to get over their shock without throwing around accusations and tantrums.

But yeah, at least the aloofness is gone from his voice, for just this time.

"I’m ecstatic for this personal development they’ve embraced, for the people they are, the lack of gender they identify with, and the pronouns they prefer. I’ve got no problem with it whatsoever, and frankly, it’s fucking insulting anyone would ever imagine otherwise." I can picture him speaking through gritted teeth, it's glorious! 'This is good, this is fine. I am doing great!'

"ROXY: ahah hahaha hell of a way to come out" Ooh, so she's not even out to Jane or Rose yet!

"ROXY: what even is gender" That is SUCH a Roxy thing to say. Also, almost stoner like. Picture Gamzee going like (in his quirk): 'Have you ever really THOUGHT about gender, man? I mean, really THOUGHT about it.'

"Jade looks at where her hands are folded in her lap. Bites her lip. She has her own concerns about this, her own thoughts. Reasonable thoughts, I’d say." "ROXY: i mean that was all stuff from our old universe ROXY: whyd we even bring it here right? JADE: right" I think for Jade it's not something she'd discard so easily! I mean, it all depends on whether 'gender' is something antigonal to your self image, in the end, I guess. If it isn't hindering you... that's how you stay heteronormative in some or all elements.

"Calliope takes a teacake between two of her claws and eats it delicately, hyper-aware of the horrible gnashing and snapping her powerful jaw is capable of.

CALLIOPE: my ideas aboUt gend—

SHIT. Between two of /their/ claws." HAH. Oh my god. The narration cut off Calliope. ... Pffff, though it IS a good callout, since I've been using gendered pronouns still to refer to Calliope. Whoops!

"CALLIOPE: i sUppose i only thoUght of myself as a girl because my, Um... CALLIOPE: my brother took mascUlinity qUite serioUsly." A) Still not saying his name :P B) Using his preferred pronouns.

"CALLIOPE: by which i mean, he became very enthUsiastic aboUt all the things it sUpposedly meant to be a boy. CALLIOPE: cherUb existence is dichotomoUs, bUt not in the same way hUman biology is. CALLIOPE: i sUppose oUr view of hUman cUlture indirectly inflUenced alternia’s development, which in tUrn affected yoUrs, which is something i’ve had a lot of time to think aboUt since we came here." Oh right! Lord English & Doc Scratch helped shape Alternia's development, so in a lot of bad ways there was a focus on power and masculinity, which may have trickled down into Earth's because of who created our universe, and thus it might all have been a self fulfilling prophecy, what Caliborn's gender identity is concerned! Guess we were due another one of these loops. :P

"ROXY: so much of what earth c thinks what boys and girls “SHOULD” do comes straight from the imagination of a bunch of dumb teens ROXY: which is totally FUCKED JADE: sure" Yes, and so much of what Earth C "should" be like, as a victory state reward planet, and the epilogues by extension, exists only in the imagination of a bunch of dumb humans spread over this globe. :P I reek a callout. Not undeserved, mind.

"She probably would have loved being a “they” when she was a teen." (Referring to Jade.) I'll grant you that, Dirk. But I thought you were doing paraphrasing other people's thoughts for the course of this conversation?

"i liked the idea of dirk" He'll love to hear that. :P Well, you know, Karkat had the same thing, he loved the idea of Condesce as a powerful leader, if not always the result of that leadership.

"ROXY: and also literally no one else on the entire planet was alive at the time

ROXY: but we had some babies without even bein consulted about it anyway so w/e" Context!

"JADE: personally im a big fan!

And like that, Jade’s smiling again." Nothing like Dave & Karkat to lift her mood. :P

"The storm clouds pass so quickly in her world, you almost wouldn’t have thought there was anything wrong at all. Roxy and Calliope certainly didn’t notice.

But there is something wrong. And this time, they’ll notice." Uhhh, wrong with Jade? Or something wrong with Earth C in general? Besides Dirk taking over, I mean. Oh no! ... Calliope left the kettle on! :P

"JADE: i... JADE: i.........

Jade drops her tea. The cup hits the floor and shatters." ... Is she passing out?? Just like Rose??

... Oh no. This doesn't have anything to do with John going back, retconning the timeline, and some of their selves being killed right? It shouldn't influence them, since they're from a different timeline, but with the talk about canon and relevance and truth and shit...

Is Dave going to pass out next???

Did John accidentally change the Reload timeline to be the alpha one, and is the future adjusting to the changes??? Or is it due to something to do with Lord English' powers in killing a different 'real' version of them?

"She takes in a sharp breath. She’s not feeling well suddenly. She’s dizzy, feverish, seeing things beyond her field of vision. A blinding flash of light. A black, perfect circle, burning a hole in her eyes." Wow. Just like John, she gets a vision of the Black Hole! So, maybe it's more like she gets backlash from suddenly absorbing the memories of Reload Jade.

"She doesn’t look bad at all— Jade wears unconsciousness well, having spent the better part of her life napping." Aaaand we're back in sleeping beauty terrain.

"But she can’t hear her. Jade is somewhere else right now." Uhhhhh. I thought they didn't really dream in the dreambubbles post-victory no more?? Also, those were all destroyed by LE, anyway.

Dang. That's weird.

Are the B1 kids (adults) actually going to be gathering in the Furthest Ring in 'person'? But why, and how? ... There isn't anything like a 'dreambubble self' body that persists in the Furthest Ring that John could have woken up like how you could wake people up on Derse and Prospit. ... Now I'm reminded of an old fanart I made of a green moon circling the Green Sun, with green dream selves for all humans & trolls we knew at the time (B1 and A2). :P

[mainexiii]

Always Be With You Forever Day6 Young K x OC

“Soo hyun came back to Korea to see her family, it's been 5 years since she went to the U.S to study, as she stepped her feet in Korea, memories came flooding back, will she be able to forget the tragedy that almost cost her life and killed her boyfriend or a miracle will happen?“ Also posted in AO3 = Mainexiii

also.. im lazy asf so i did not prood read all of this, hence, a lot of grammatical errors coz English is not my primary language. 

I’m having this strange feeling when I walk out on the arrival area at the airport, Jinnie my younger sister waving at her hands rapidly as if I can not even see her, I smile at her and waves back. “Soo hyun! Woah, I really missed you”, teary eyed she hug me tight and kiss my right cheek. “ yuck! You just smudged your lipstick on me, come on!” we laughed and went out of the airport, I was wiping my cheek when Jinnie asked a lot of things about my 5 year vacation in the U.S, well, it’s not just a vacation, I barely lived there during my college years and never came back to Korea.. I did not answer her question and just continue to walked until we reach her car, the both of us are silent the trip to my house, it’s not easy to talk about what happened years ago, it’s too hard to recall my memories that I’ve kept hidden inside my brain just to survive. “Jinnie-ya..can we please not talk about the past? I’m still not ready okay? Please..for me?” you gaze at her direction at holds her other hand and squeeze it. She heaved a sigh and squeeze back my hand. “ Okay.. you know.. after all these years without contact from us and your friends, one of these days you’ll find out about something and you have to be prepare for it”. I was confused about what she’s talking about and just shrugged it off. “ Wait.. is mom setting up a man for me to marry?, if that what it is.. then drop me off right now” I giggled but Jinnie is damn serious right now. “I hope so tho, but unfortunately that not it. I want you to stay strong, okay? She smiled and opened the radio. I panicked at her sudden action “Turn it off!” I screamed at her and she immediately turned off the radio. Jinnie apologized and stopped the car, Jinnie tries to calmed me down by caressing my back, took a deep breath and fix my hair and make up,I don’t want to let my mom see me like this, still a mess after all these years away from home. I face Jinnie and smiled, “I’m fine, Jinnie .. I’m sorry for startling you, I know all for you are worried about me and I’m sorry for everything, I hope you understand what I’ve through. Jinnie hugged me tightly and smiled and gave me an understanding nod. I'm meeting my family at the province with takes three hours of driving, I went by so familiar places and I feel that my heart’s going to burts with all these happy and sad memories with him.

8 years ago when I met Young hoon, everybody calls him brian. We went to the same high school and I was a transferee, he was the class president and he was assigned to help me everything to adjust to the new school, he took me a tour around the whole campus and introduced to different clubs, he was very helpful and nice, obviously the whole class loves him. I was bullied once when I was on my way to home on my first day of class, the kids who seemed to be rebels are ganging up on me , they took my wallet and ripped my school bag thinking they’ll find anything worth to steal, I was frozen walking the whole time and a girl from my class pat me at my back “ Hey, is this yours?” she turned over my lost items including my money, the only thing I did was hugged her and cry. She laughs and hold both of my shoulder, “It’s okay! I already took care of those bitches, they wont bother you anymore” I nod still crying. “Stop crying will you!” she offered her hand and introduced herself, “ I’m Hana, and you must be Soo hyun right?” confused, i looked up at her cause she’s quite tall “how did you know me?” I asked, “ Girl, we’re on the same class!” she replied, “ Oh, I did’nt notice you” doubting that she’s lying. “Brian gave you a tour around the campus?” she asked as we start walking outside the skirts where the bitches brought me, I didn’t even know this place, i felt my cheeks hotness and touch them, I smiled at the thought of Brian, he’s tall, handsome and I’ll figure out the rest, I was smiling the entire time when Hana confronts me, “Yah! don’t tell me you like Brian too?” she stopped facing me crossed arms, what the hell? I’m having a rival here already?! I stare at her her blankly, “ So what? You like him too don’t you? I gave her a question look, “ Bitch no! Brian’s my first cousin so don’t worry, I smiled at her reply and continues to walked when I saw my parent’s car near our apartment. “oh my parent’s already here” I glanced at her and pointed our apartment, “ I lived there!” I smiled at her took her hand, “ I’ll introduced you to my parents sometime” she smiled and shake my hand, “okay sure, but to tell you honestly, Brian has alot of admirers so good luck my friend..” she laughs and I slapped her back. She fakes a pain and laugh again seeing my red face, “ that’s not it,! I don’t like him at all! “ we we’re laughing and my parents called me to go up now, I wave at them and says thanks to my new found friend.

We arrived at the the province and my whole family welcomes me outside the house. Mom walks towards me as I opened the car door and hugs me tightly, I didn’t know I was crying until she wipes my tears, “Thank you for coming back” mom whispers while crying, seeing my mom, dad and two other siblings in front of me wont let me stop crying , I missed them so much that it hurts, everything hurts. We went inside and talk about everything excluding him. The day went by so fast I forgot I'm jet-lagged, mom prepared me a tea to help me sleep. I just want to take a rest now, I hope I’ll dream of him again, that’s the only thing that keeps me reminding of his face, I wished every single day to see him even in my dreams only, I missed him so much I think I will never moved on.

I woke up and look at the time on my phone, it’s already 9 am and I’m so freaking hungry. I climb out of my bed and I noticed a wedding invitation card at my bedside table, I open it and sees the fancy gold emboss font “Kang Hana and Park Sungjin” wow, how did she even know I’m back.”They did really end up together huh,” you smiled and recall little memories with them. I did not open the entire invitation since I don’t have the guts to see them. I took a shower, letting the water run down my body and close the clog to let the water full up the bath tub, I closed my eyes and recall the memories with him, I have to be strong, it’s been 5 years and I just cant accept the fact that he’s gone, I tried dating during my college years but none of them worked out.

After a year of being friends with Brian I decide to make the first move, it’s our last year in high school and I don’t wanna missed the opportunity, I know there’s something going on between us, but we just keep it casual, we’ve spent a lot of time together, holding hands, bus trips while holding hands, eat at cafe’s holding hands, watch busking holding hands and more holding hands, that’s it. We we’re contented about us just like that. We exchange stories about everything at our school’s rooftop. We wants to be a singer someday, play with a band, he’s good at guitars, basses, he was already a trainee at a company so most of his time are just in school, us going out and training, he rarely sees his family since he have been living in the dorm with his soon to be members. It’s fun spending our youth just like that. When I got the courage to ask him out, he already plans something, he brought me to the roof top and picnic basket, he let me sit down and runs at the back of the corner of the roof top to get his guitar, I was so excited I cant stop smiling all the time, he tuned his guitar and smiles at me widely, that the best thing that I liked about him, his smile that can lit up a dark world. He started singing one of his original songs, I listened at him looked him in the face and mouth “ I like you”, he stopped singing and walk towards me giving me a peck on the lips, I squeel covering my whole flushed cheeks. We spent the whole afternoon talking about our future and to travel around the whole world, Brian loves travelling as much as I do, we planned to go to Busan, Daegu and Jeju Island after our graduation. It’s the last day of our graduation and made our first trip to Busan, I was so excited spending my time with him, we ate and ate, went to the beaches, visit historical site. That feeling can never be replace by anyone. We’ve visit a lot of libraries around Seoul preparing for our college exam, he used to say that he loves me everyday, but I cant let out those words because I was unsure if it’s already love I am feeling for him,” it’s okay if you still don’t love me, as long as you let me love you, I’m okay with that” he smiled and hold my hand. It’s been 6 months since we had a trip outside Seoul, I was busy at school while Brian is busy preparing for their debut, Brian is amazing at multitasking, he went to school while practicing his bass skills, he’s so amazing at managing his study hours, practices and me. He always had a time for me, I mean everything, we eat breakfast together since my dorm is also close to his. Even when I’m sick, he can still take care of me, and that’s when I realized that I have loved him all this time, unsure of the feeling .. I shook the bad thoughts away and said my first I love you on his birthday, He keep on jumping and took me by his arms, hugging tightly. He kissed me passionately and I feel my hot cheeks probably flaring at this new feeling, he pulls away and widely smiled at me, “ We should go now” he says holding my hand leading me down stairs and went outside, “ oh wait, my gift for you” I hand him the box containing a couple dream bracelet. “HAPPY BIRTHDAY! You greeted him again with a hug and attached the bracelet on his right wrist. “ Thank you, really,”he hugged me tightly, he love giving tight hugs, his a hugger.

After our final exam, we had planned going to Jeju Island, just for one day since it’s expensive going there. I had pack my bag and prep up myself and called Brian, “ Bri, where are you now” I asked, looking around to see if I miss anything. “I just arrived downstairs, you coming down now?” he replied. “yeah, see you downstairs” I locked up my door went went downstairs.

We arrived at Jeju Island , the both of us feeling excited, we started to wander around , asked some locals what to ride to go to our accommodation, we took the bus that travels for 30 minutes to our place, we’re both excited as we planned the whole trip for months, we listened to some music on his ipod when I notice the sky is getting darker, I was nervous when it started raining heavily, the bus driver went on slowly to avoid accidents. The traffic light went red and the bus stopped, I hold Brians hand and lean on his shoulder, he felt the tension and my hands are shaking, “ You okay? Are you cold?” he ask with a worry look. I just nod and he brings his arms around my shoulder to pull me closer. The traffic light went green and as the bus driver starts to drive, I heard a loud bang! And I black out..

chapter2

I woke up feeling my whole body aches, mom rushes to hold my hand and asked if I was okay. She was crying while calling the doctors. I didn't know what's happening, I only remember Brian and I was on the bus and I blacked out. Brian and I was involved in an accident , fortunately... I was okay ,nothing serious happened but Brian,  he was comatose. I felt my whole world turns into darkness, i immediately went to Brians room and cried for hours.

Days gone by, weeks turns into months...

Brian still not awake, he's condition is not getting good and i blame myself for it. If it weren't for me.. He would've been laying for months in this awful room.

I was with him the entire time, i helped his family taking care of him, i rarely went to school and because of it. . . Im about to fail all my subjects due to absences .

I went to my school to inform that I will be taking a break and also informed Brian's school. I went back to the hospital and as I was about to enter Brian's room , I heard the doctor and Brian's parents talking about his condition.They decided to end Brian's life support.

My whole world shattered .

How can they do this to their own son? !

How can they take a life without taking chances!

This is not fair !

I burst into the room and beg for chances, to give Brian chance to live. I was crying while tugging his mom's coat,

" please don't do this ! I beg you ! Please .."

We we're both crying the whole time and she explained to me the consequences if we let Brian stay like that forever ..

" Soo-ya, we dont want Brian to suffer too, his condition is not getting good his body is so weak right now . I dont want my child to suffer like this .." I saw the sadness and sorrow in her eyes, the pain of watching his son getting weak.. I also can not stand watching Brian suffer, but I can not let Brian lose his life without even trying. I won't .

But the decision is not mine to make.

They're going to end his life the day after. I have to be with him on that last day , my heart aches to much there's no tears left to cry .

My heart is too numb.

D-Day

Brian's whole family is waiting for me at the hospital, while me .. Still at home, crying my heart out, " I thought there's no tears left" I mumbled.

I get up packed my clothes and documents and book the earliest ticket and went straight to the airport.

Brian's mom keep on calling me but I ignored and sent everyone a message that I'm boarding bound to America and never to contact me. I turned off my phone and cried myself to sleep.

I just lost the love of my life and im going to a unfamiliar place and tried my best to forget him.. But how can i? When I left my heart and soul in Seoul .

I finished taking a shower and went outside to grab some brunch, I found a cafe that serves American brunch sets and went inside . I keep on thinking the wedding invitation, I miss my best friend so much and she might hate me forever if I wont go to her wedding, I don't know what to do anymore .

Someone sat infront of me, I raised my head and saw Hana crossing her arms while glaring at me . Im so shock I almost spit my food,  " Hana! " I get up and hug her . She hug me back and gave me a wide smile.

"I missed youu Soo-ya!!!! " we hugged tightly and sit down. " Soo! It's been years.." She said giving me a faint smile "I know.. It's been years and I missed you too,  and I'm sorry Hana ..for everything"

"I understand you Soo, I know the pain that you went through but it's not worth it,  you made yourself a mess,  after all these years, no one knows where on America are you, you wont let us comfort you, you completely shut us down in your life.. And im telling you Soo, all those tears .. It's not worth it."

The pain that i've felt all those years.. I know, i did not help myself overcoming it. It was so overwhelming i kept myself busy working and studying, just to forget Brian .

But it did not help, because at the end of the day.. Brian is the only one who i think of. My love for Brian is irreplaceable. I blame myself everyday until my heart don't let any people inside it.

"It's not worth it Soo, it's the time for you to moved on and be happy, because it's not your fault okay?" I tried to remain calm for a few seconds, i wont let my tears be visible for this is the day that i have to let my old self go and open a new door and let people inside it. I take Hana's hand and squeeze it "Thank you Hana, i'll try my very best"

We went outside the cafe and walk towards the parking lot, she have to run some errands for her wedding tomorrow and bid goodbye as she went inside her car.

As I was going to the opposite direction, Hana's car stopped beside me she roll down her window. "Soo! I have to tell you something tomorrow, please come okay?! It's very important and you deserve to know it, please come okay?" She said and I answer her with a smile and nod and . She smiled back and drive away.

I gather my thoughts about everything, it's time for me to moved on and be happy again it's been years and there's too many people that i've pushed away. I shouldn't let myself be forever like this, it's time to say goodbye to Brian.

It's Hana's wedding day at 12pm and there's still a lot of time for me to visit Brian's grave. But.. I dont know where he was buried. I'll just ask Hana later after the wedding.

I arrive at the wedding hall and went to the bride's room. Hana was talking a picture with my high school friends and i feel so guilty losing contacts with them, Hana notices me as well as my H.S friends, their faces look shocked to see me and turns into an apologetic smile, I composed myself and greet them warmly, they hug me tightly and atleast i felt that they really miss me.

I turn my attention to Hana and praised her with compliments, the girls and we're catching up when the Host is announcing to start the wedding, we went out of the room and went to our table. As the wedding starts , I wander if im seeing familiar faces at the event and my eyes landed on Brian's mom, she was looking at me and give me a warm smile and a nod, i smile back and my heart skip a beat seeing her, it was so nerve wrecking... I always feel so attached at Brian's mother, during my stay at the hospital she also takes care of me when my mom is not around, we share stories about Brian and our trips and i felt her happiness as we talk about Brian.. I shrugged memories away. On the middle of the wedding the announcer says that there will be a surprise perfomance of a band called Day6, I looked at Hana and her face turned pale while she look at me, I'm confused at the sudden reaction and I looked at my friends , seeing their faces the same reaction as Hana while looking at me, suddenly i feel nervous and ask what is happening. They can not answer me and just keep silent when another stage appear and there i saw a familiar man with four more people each holding their instruments, the band starts singing when the man holding a bass put it down and went in the middle of the stage and hug Hana while singing, I stand up to see a clearer view and i froze .

No way this is happening, i was still frozen when the man singing averts his eyes on me, i recognized the same eyes, nose and lips, it's Brian. It's Brian! How is this possible? He's dead! Brian..is dead. My tears started to fall and notice Brian's reaction, he give me a small smile and finished singing. My kness are weak and i grip the table to lean on, my friends help me to sit down, and tries to calm me.

How can i calm when the man i grieve for years is alive?! I can not gather my thoughts my mind went blank as i was about to leave the venue .. Someone stop me by holding my arm, i face that person and my heart shatters to see him this close to me. I just let my self cry as he holds both my shoulder , the overwhelming feeling makes me unconscious and I blacked out. Again.

Chapter 3

I woke up hearing different voices , i open my eyes and saw Hana still in her wedding dress.

"GOD SOO! YOU'RE AWAKE! she hugs me tightly and cry.

It wasnt a dream..

Hana explained everything , They we're supposed to end Brian's suffering on the day that i left, but Brian's mom change her mind and give another chance for Brian to wake up, they keep on calling me to tell me the news but i already went abroad. After a month of intensive prayers a miracle happened and Brian woke up. Yet they still cant reach me. After months on theraphy, Brian decided to went after me on America but i  never told them where i live even my family didn't know. Brian eventually became busy because of training and catching up homeworks for school, and tried to move on from me too. He debut in a band two years ago and became known globally, which ofcourse I did'nt know because I shut myself from the universe...

My mind went blank,  all those pain and rejection and guilt , those feelings that ruined me..i cried and cried until i calmed down, Hana left me in the hotel room and went back to the venue. I lay down overthinking about Brian, how do i react when i see him again, that..if he still wants to see me ,but i want to see him badly my heart aches for him,  he probably hate me for leaving him. I hate my self too. All these years of heart break, i feel so pathetic. I heard  knocks on the door, i went down the bed and open the door...and Brian stands there, I took a step backwards as he went inside and lock the door. I can only hear our breathing standing face to face ,no one tries to speak.

We just stare at each other,when he took a step forward and holds my hand. The moment our skin touches all the memories with him came flashing back and all i can do is cry. He pulls me in a tight hug as i sob inside his arms. I keep on crying on his shirt as i feel the warm liquid on my head, i look up at him and saw him crying too. We cried in each others arms, we lay down the bed, he hugs me closer and stroke my hair still crying. No talking just tight hugs.

Chapter 4 Brian’s POV

After the accident i woke up in the hospital and never saw soo hyun again.. She went away unknowingly what happend to me , she thinks IM DEAD. We can not contact her phone, email we didnt even know her address in the states. She shut everyone down. Occationaly she sent letters to her family without the return address. That's the only communication that they have. She never came back.

I tried hard to finished my studies and training and finally i debuted with my band. I still cant forget her i think i will never forget her , she took my heart with her and i never dated anyone else , my friends even think im gay . Everything reminds me of her, my dream bracelet, the rooftop, the shirts she gave me on special occations, our favorite restaurant, she's everywhere. I cried so many sleepless nights thinking about her, i miss her so damn much . And eventually i set aside my feelings and focused on my work and studies ,and i graduate finally, i think of her every single day, so many what if's, she might be happy right now, she must've moved on . Thinking about her with another man makes my heart beats faster, i should be with her, she should be with me celebrating life. But she never came back.

It's Hana's wedding day, im not supposed to be at her wedding because of conflict of schedules but it was cancelled so i went and surprised her.

But i was the one whose surprise.

Soo hyun, the love of my life, is here.

We made eye contact, i can see her eyes full confusion, hurt, mixed emotions. I smile at her and she rushed to the door. I chase her calling her name and grab her arms, she froze standing looking at me and cry. As i was gonna hug her she collapsed.

I went to her room after Hana explained everything, she cried and cried as I hug her tightly . God i missed her so much i cried along with her, we didnt talk and i just let her cry her heart out. She fell asleep still sobbing. I watch her intently, i still cant believe it's her, i never thought she's coming back into my life again, she must've felt guilty about the accident she blamed herself all these years thinking that i was dead.  

"I'm sorry you went all through that" I stroked her hair, planting small kisses, i hug her tightly and she open her eyes, looking at me without blinking ,intently fixed her gaze on me, i smile at her and touch her cheeks..

"It's not a dream right?" She kissed my hand

"No babe, i'm real and alive" I cupped her cheeks and trails small kisses on her face and gently kiss her lips.

"I think it's time for us to be happy, you should let go all the burdens, let's start a brand new chapter of our life,okay? I missed you babe, i missed you a lot" i kissed her again this time passionately to let her feel safe and that im here with her.

" I love you Bri, thank you for being alive"

" I love you more Soo, thank you for coming back"

[elsaclack]

This is really random but I saw a fic of yours about Amy being sick (I think the prompt was "Amy yells at the Vulture") but I can't find the full piece anywhere. Is it on AO3 anywhere? I love your writing and I completely understand if you just didn't want it out anymore. Just thought I'd ask! :)

i thought it was but i just went and searched my entire work history (including all 70+ chapters of those god-forsaken oneshot collections) and i couldn’t find it anywhere!! i guess i forgot to cross-post it back when i first wrote it, and it got lost when i deleted the original elsaclack. but i just scoured my docs list and found it buried in a random folder so i’ll repost it here and add it to the newest one-shot collection on ao3 :)

fun fact: this was written almost exactly 2 years ago!!! meaning that my writing skills have developed considerably since i actually wrote this. aka please don’t judge me if this seems like a sudden regression haha

also i wanna tag @phil-the-stone-art bc we actually developed the concept of The List together so she’s at least 35% responsible for this fic lmao

under the cut!

Amy Santiago does not get sick, thank you very much. She prides herself on her meticulous nightly hygienic rituals, on the cabinet full of multivitamins and minerals she takes on a daily basis in her bathroom, on the rigorous workout routine and diet she keeps herself on each week to maintain perfect health. She lives her life by a very tight plan (laid out in checklists and carefully organized in color-coded binders) that simply does not afford her any extra time to be sick.

Which is why, when she wakes up one Tuesday morning with a head stuffed full of cotton and violent shivers rolling down her spine, she gets up to start her usual routine in spite of the fact that she feels like she hasn’t actually slept in three weeks. Jake’s still snoring on the other side of the bed, another hour away from getting up to haphazardly dress in whatever flannel he can find lying on her bedroom floor that doesn’t smell too dirty, and he doesn’t even stir at the sound of her shuffling footsteps or running nose.

She drags herself into the bathroom, shuts the door, and flicks the lights on. Her reflection honestly makes her jump back an inch or two; she’s never seen her skin quite so pale, or bruises beneath her eyes quite so dark, or her lips quite so visibly dry and cracked. She reaches out to grip the edges of her sink and realizes that her arms and hands are trembling, and when she leans a bit more weight onto them she notes that her knees are quaking beneath her.

All in all, not a great start to the day.

She presses on, though, ignoring her running nose and congested head and general exhaustion. The shower helps a little, but not much.

When she shuts the water off, she hears Jake moving around in her bedroom, and her heart skips a beat. She hadn’t even realized she’d been in the shower that long. “Jake?” She calls as she wraps a towel around herself. Her voice is coarse and rough.

“Hey,” he knocks lightly at the door. “You okay?”

“Yeah - yeah, could you, um…there’s a binder out on the dining room table, should say something on the cover about that case I was working on last night -” she clears her throat and winces at the sharp pain that responds “- could you grab it and put it in my bag?”

“Sure,” he’s quiet for a moment and Amy’s left to gently rub at her temples with the heels of her hands. “Are you sure you’re okay? You sound awful.”

“I’m…I’m fine.”

But she’s not. Her knees are still quaking and vertigo has suddenly set in and she’s swaying, reaching out to grab the tiled edge of her shower. Her hand slips against the wet surface and she falls forward, shoulder banging painfully into the tiles.

The door swings open and Jake bursts inside in a panic. “Ames? Oh my God!” She suddenly realizes that she’d sunk down to a crouching position upon falling. He kneels next to her, gently pulling her away from the shower and letting her lean heavily into him. Her head falls against his shoulder, forehead pressed to the crook of his neck, and she hears him tut. “You’re burning up, babe,” he says quietly.

“I’m fine,” her voice fails half-way through and she ends up finishing in an unconvincing whisper.

“You’re not going to work today,” he tells her.

“But -”

“You almost fainted just now, Amy. You’re staying home sick today.”

She tries to argue but he pulls her up off the ground, keeping his touch firm and steady should gravity leave her again, and her voice completely dies on the way out of the bathroom. He lets her whisper weak arguments as he steers her gently toward the bed, humming and nodding along as he pulls fresh sweatpants up her legs and eases one of his academy shirts over her head. He pushes back on her good shoulder with just enough force that she lays down and pulls the comforter up to her chin. Her eyelids flutter closed when he presses a kiss against her forehead.

“I’ll tell Captain Holt where you are,” he says quietly. His hand finds hers against the mattress, fingers twisting through hers. “Get some sleep, okay?”

She’s asleep before he even gets out the front door.

A few hours later she’s roused by the sound of her phone vibrating on her bedside table. Sunlight streams in through her window and she squints, disoriented, fumbling around with semi-numb fingers for her phone.

From: Jake PeraltaHow u feelin? Miss u at work. Charles says he’ll bring u goat soup later lol

It hurts to even swallow, and Amy has to work really hard to keep from whining at the splitting headache igniting behind her right eye.

To: Jake PeraltaFeel like garbage. I haev a headache. Im afraid to get out of bed for meds. Miss u too

She waits five minutes for him to respond, and when her phone remains motionless, she closes her eyes and lets it fall against her chest.

Precisely twenty minutes after that, she hears her front door open. It closes again and she hears footsteps crossing her living room and it only just hits her that someone is in her apartment when those footsteps cross the threshold of her bedroom.

“Hey, hey, don’t get out of bed,” Jake says soothingly. Amy falls back against her pillow from her struggling half-sitting up position as Jake drops a plastic grocery bag at the foot of her bed and perches on the edge of the mattress beside her. He replaces her phone back on her bedside table with one hand and smooths his other palm over her forehead (and she only just then realizes that she’s sweating) and grimaces. “You’re still burning up,” he says, running his fingers through her hair just above her forehead.

“I’m fine,” she whispers, and the words slip out between two wet coughs.

He frowns and gently scratches his short nails against her scalp. “I brought Advil,” he says, casting an absent glance over his shoulder at the bag he brought in, “and stuff to make soup. It’s the recipe for Nana’s matzoh ball soup.” She raises her eyebrows beneath his palm and he grins down at her. “Don’t tell Charles, but it’s literally the best soup you’ll ever have and it’ll cure your dumb cold in twenty minutes or less.”

“Promise?”

He leans down and pecks a kiss against her forehead. “Promise,” he says when he leans away. “I’m gonna go make some and bring it in here and you’ll be back on your feet before the end of the day. Peralta Guarantee.” He winks.

She sinks down into the mattress as much as she can when he stands up, opening her eyes only when he comes back in with two Advil tablets and a glass half-full of water. Within minutes she begins hearing pots and pans knock around in her kitchen, and through her cloudy mind she registers that her stomach is rumbling in irritation.

“Alright,” he announces from her doorway. Her eyes split open and he’s carefully balancing the soup bowl on top of her dresser. “I’ll help you sit up, don’t move.”

He pulls her up with one hand and waits until she’s sitting up steadily before hurriedly stacking her pillows up behind her. She breathes a sigh of relief when she leans back, not realizing just how much of a strain sitting up is until that moment. He hurries back to where the soup is still steaming and carefully brings it over to her, the tip of his tongue appearing at the corner of his mouth for how hard he has to concentrate on not spilling any.

He nestles it in her lap, and she smiles, because he looks so proud of himself and he’s really so adorable.

Jake stays with her until she finishes the whole bowl and then he takes her dishes from her and quickly rinses them out in her sink.

“I’ll be back after work to check on you and to finish cleaning that, okay?” He calls from her doorway.

She hums hoarsely and fades out of consciousness.

An hour later, Amy wakes up feeling half-human. Her head and throat still hurt and she still can’t breathe out of her nose, but her brain doesn’t feel quite so fried and her limbs don’t feel quite so weak anymore.

Jake was right - the soup really did help.

Not as much as Nyquil would, but…still.

She kicks the comforter off and moves to sit up, and her phone suddenly falls into her lap from her chest. She pauses, staring at it, trying to remember when it ended up back there. She has no new calls or texts, but when she unlocks the screen, there’s a new note pulled up.

Things i want t odo to jake in bed

Amy feels flames engulf her face that have absolutely nothing to do with her fever. The list has twelve items on it, each one raunchier and riddled with more spelling errors than the last, and by the time she gets to the end of the note she’s covering her face in embarrassment. She’s got just the vaguest memory of typing it (and it’s really more of a dream of a memory than anything else), but none of it will solidify into more than just faint snapshots in her head.

But the more she rereads it, the more heat begins building in her body - heat from the mental images, heat from the germs ravaging her body, heat from the thick comforter still draped over her legs.

She has got to go get some Nyquil.

Santiago Determination blazes through her as she drags herself out of bed, shoulders set and jaw clenched as she pulls one of Jake’s hoodies over her frame and slides her feet into her rarely-worn flip-flops. Part of her feels guilty, knowing that if Jake was the one home sick she’d insist on him texting her anything he needs so that he would stay in bed and recover faster, but she brushes it off as she grabs her purse.

What he doesn’t know won’t hurt him, right?

She blames her scattered brain on the matzoh ball soup later. She blames her compromised detective skills and her lack of attention to detail and her general disorientation on the soup. Because under normal circumstances, no matter how sick she truly is, she would definitely have noticed the Vulture browsing the low aisles of the bodega around the corner from her house immediately upon walking through the front doors.

But as it is, she doesn’t, which means that he gets a visual on her before she’s even aware of being spotted.

She’s so busy perusing the medicine section toward the back that she doesn’t notice him stalking around the shelves, doesn’t feel him peeking around the Doctor Scholl’s cardboard display, doesn’t hear him mutter at a mother and daughter to get out of his way as he follows her ambling walk down the aisle. She isn’t aware of the danger until he’s basically on top of her.

“Yo, Santiago,” he says, his voice low and curdling. She winces and turns slowly, and he’s leaned against the shelves to her left, leering down at her. A handcart hangs between them; it’s full of at least thirty boxes of condoms, she realizes when she glances down. Her stomach shifts unpleasantly. “You look homeless.”

“Get out of the way,” she whispers hoarsely.

“Aw, what’s the matter? Peralta got you screaming so hard every night you lost your voice?”

Heat bursts through her cheeks and she glances back, meeting the scandalized look on that same mother’s face with an apologetic grimace. “Shut up.” She snaps as fiercely as she can.

He smirks, because her voice only comes in bursts. “Damn, you really let yourself go, didn’t you?” His eyes rove her body and she’s suddenly very keenly aware of the fact that she’s not wearing any underwear beneath her sweatpants. She can feel her face blossoming.

“Whatever.” She turns away quickly and digs her phone out of her purse, cursing when she hears the Vulture following her down the aisle. She dials Jake’s number quickly, and he answers after just two rings.

“Hey, is everything oka-”

“I need you go come to the bodega by my apartment,” she whispers. She can feel her hand trembling again and she curses whatever part of her thought it would be a good idea to do this on her own.

“Wait, what? Why are you -”

“I thought I could walk over here and get what I needed without you, but -” she winces at the sound of the Vulture’s laugh, loud and obnoxious behind her. “But I ran into someone and I need you to come save me.”

“Santiago, look - they do make extra-small condoms! Should I put a whole box in for you and Peralta or is that too many?”

She hears a sharp intake of breath on the other end of the line. “Is that the Vulture?” He asks quietly.

“Yeah.”

“I’ll be there in ten minutes. Do not faint.”

“I’m doing my best, but please hurry.”

Amy starts pacing up and down the aisles, doing her best to block the Vulture out. He trails along behind her, alternating between making lewd sexual innuendos about random items on the shelves they pass (“Everything’s a sex toy if you try hard enough,” while pointing out a plastic broom) and insulting her general appearance (“Y’know, you were much sexier before Peralta dragged you down to his level of ugliness. Just make sure your ass doesn’t get as fat as his”). It’s around the time they make it back to the medicine aisle that he turns to making fun of Jake himself.

“I still can’t believe you’re with that loser,” he laughs as Amy finally swipes a bottle of Nyquil off a lower shelf. She stands up slowly, gripping the shelves above her firmly, as a wave of vertigo hits her once again. “You’re hot as shit usually - not right now, obviously - I bet you could sleep with any guy you want.”

She clenches her jaw and tries to calculate how long it’s been since she hung up with Jake.

“I bet the sex is really boring, too,” the Vulture continues. “I bet it’s all missionary and full of, like, eye-contact and shit. I bet he tells you he loves you because you don’t make fun of his tiny weiner.”

“Okay, y’know what?” She snaps, and suddenly her voice is half back. “First of all, there’s nothing wrong with missionary if you do it right. Secondly, you’re full of crap if you really think eye-contact is boring. Third, you’re right, he does tell me he loves me, because he actually loves me, you sexist pig. And fourth, he’s not tiny.”

“Whatever. He’s a joke, just like you, and I bet the sex sucks and you’re both so bad at it that you can’t even tell that it sucks.”

She knows people are staring, but her brain just isn’t functioning right. She yanks her phone out of her purse and quickly scrolls over to her list. “Jake’s the best sex I’ve ever had, okay? In fact, he’s so good that I made a list!” She shoves her phone in his face and scrolls quickly, grinning in manic triumph at the dumbfounded look on his face. “I made a list of all the things I want to do with him because he’s so unbelievably good. You wish you were as good as him.”

He is, for once, speechless. Amy locks her phone and steps back, smug grin on her face. The Vulture’s eyes flicker to something over her shoulder and she sees the spark of recognition in his face; when she turns, she feels her stomach drop down to her toes.

Jake’s standing at the end of the aisle, looking just as dumbstruck as the Vulture. She gasps, and the sound comes out like a ragged squeak. His mouth is hanging open but his brows draw together at the sound.

“Ja- Jake,” she says hoarsely.

This seems to snap him out of his stupor. His mouth snaps closed and he immediately begins striding down the aisle toward her and there’s something new in his eyes - smug and barely-contained glee, maybe - when he throws his arm around her shoulders. “Hi, honey,” he says, laying a kiss against her temple and pulling the bottle of Nyquil from her grasp. “Let’s get you back in bed.”

“Yeah, well, you’re both a couple of losers!” The Vulture shouts after them. Jake twists around and flashes his middle finger at him and grins into Amy’s hair at the sound of his splutters. “I’m buying thirty-five boxes of condoms!”

“You’re amazing.” Jake murmurs once they’re outside of the store. “But next time, just call me instead of trying to go get stuff on your own. I really don’t mind doing it for you. That’s what boyfriends are for.”

She sinks into the passenger’s seat of his car and sighs in relief; her body is already aching from the exertion of just a lap around the bodega. She feels Jake slide in on the driver’s side, feels the engine roar to life beneath her and the air conditioner tickle across her face. The car lurches a little when he puts it in drive and then his free hand finds hers and interlaces their fingers.

“I’m sorry about…that.” She whispers once he’s pulled away from the curb.

“It’s fine, but I really mean it about calling me next time, okay? ‘Specially since you almost fainted this morning and everything, like, what would’ve happened if you’d fallen and hit your head and they took you to the hospital? They would’ve called Manny and it would’ve taken him three hours to get here and -”

“Wait, no, they’d call you,” she interrupts. “Manny’s not my emergency contact anymore. You are.”

He turns his head toward her and stares.

“I changed it two years ago, Peralta. Way before we started dating. I just figured, y’know, since you’re my partner and everything, you’d be able to get there the fastest. And, besides, that’s not even what I was talking about. I meant…the stuff I said to the Vulture. The list.”

“Oh,” he shrugs. “I don’t really care. The guy’s an ass. I could hear him yelling all the way from the front doors. Besides, you weren’t lying.”

He squeezes her hand a few times in quick succession and she snorts. “So you’re…not mad? About any of it?”

“I’m more curious than anything else. Do I get to look at the list, too? Or is that just between you and the Vulture?”

“I can’t stand you.”

She does let him see it once they’re back to her place. He reads each item carefully three times over without ever saying a word, and then stands and grabs his laptop and a notepad off of her dining room table. When she asks what he’s doing, he responds with a muttered “research” and then promptly tells her to finish her soup.

The night passes in a haze that has nothing to do with the cold or the soup or the medicine, and the next morning she wakes to the sounds of Jake’s congested voice explaining through chest-rumbling coughs that neither he nor Amy would be making it into work that day.

[kpopisthereasonihavenolife]

Who’s Crushing on the New Manager? [4]

Monsta X

Yoo Kihyun/Reader [F]

Words: 3.6k

Genre: Fluff

Others: Intro / Shownu / Wonho / Minhyuk / Kihyun / Hyungwon / Jooheon / IM

-------------------------------------------------

“I’m Y/N, I’ll be in your care.”

Her voice was just as soft and warm as her smile.  It didn’t take much, but those few seconds.  He already knew that that soft fluttering in his stomach was none other than a small crush, ready to blossom into so much more.

Kihyun shamelessly stared at you as you spoke a bit more to the official standing next to you.  He watched as you spoke with your hands, waving them about and how you shifted on your feet when your got uncomfortable with a certain position.  Even how the fallen strands of your long locks you didn’t catch into your hair tie clung your neck.  

You exchanged a few words with the official before he took his leave and you looked to Kihyun.  You were met with his arms crossed over his chest as you, slouching a tad to the left, supporting his uneven weight on his leg.  The smirk on his face complimented his eyes, but you were left in a state of confusion before he just took in a breath and huffed.

“Well, I oughta show you the way to the rest of the group, yeah?” You offered him your own friendly smile, excited to be working with them.  You had heard good things about them, but you were a bit nervous.

“Please do.  I just hope I can keep up with all your energy.” He turned and nodded his head in the direction you would be heading in.

“I think you’ll be just fine.  Don’t worry about it.  They’re all pretty obedient when a pretty lady asks them to behave.” You rolled your eyes playful at him.

“What about a manager who isn’t the prettiest girl out here, huh?  Will They still listen to her?”  Kihyun exaggerated and looked around, even above your head as he squinted.  

“Manager?  Not pretty?  Hmm, I don’t think I can see one.”  You just scoffed at his little play and just continued on the way to the boys.  He didn’t tell you about them, or what they were doing in the studio today, but he had a feeling things were probably a little less than mature at the current moment.  He didn’t wait in opening the door before Jooheon burst through the doorway, immediately grabbing you- the closest person to him- and hiding behind you by instinct.  

Kihyun jumped and huffed as he peered around the corner and peeked inside to see what else was going on.  The noise was enough indication that it was something like he originally predicted.  

Chankyun was in a corner, just screaming?  For no reason? Minhyuk was running around, chasing Jooheon for God knows why, which resulted in where he was now.  Hyungwon was sitting on the couch, seemingly normal, until you notice the lump that is under his rear was most definitely not the couch, but Wonho’s back.  The younger boy pushing the older into the cushions. Shownu himself looking glum as rested his head on the table; seemingly done with his team of children he had no control over at the moment.

Kihyun let out another huff as he looked back at you.  Jooheon had his hands on each of your shoulders, hiding behind you and using you to shield himself from Minhyuk who had rushed out the door and noticed him behind you.  He glared at the two and how they weren’t noticing the way your eyes blew open with confusion. Along with the dizziness beginning to cloud them with Jooheon moving you too and fro so rapidly to avoid Minhyuk.  

He was going to step in, maybe hit Minhyuk on the back of the head, but you acted quicker.  Minhyuk had lunged for your side, rather for Jooheon’s side, but you just grabbed Jooheon’s arm and whipped him around the opposite direction of Minhyuk, and watched as Minhyuk fell on the ground, no force to stop him.  Then you proceeded to bend down, grab his ear and, with his squeaks and whines, force him back into the room.  

Jooheon had stepped away from you, backing up towards Kihyun, afraid of what might happen should he do anything as the sound in the room turned to silence;  other than Minhyuk’s squawks from the hold you had on his ear that is. You looked around and huffed, placing your free hand on your hips.

“Someone wanna come and take their child back before he loses his ear?” Shownu jumped up and grabbed his arm, pulling him away from you as the man pouted and rubbed his red ear.  You clapped your hands together and motioned to the boys still in the hall inside.  Jooheon tiptoed inside still a bit scared, but relaxed after a soft smile from you.  Kihyun just kept biting back his smirk he could feel in his cheeks.

The others came and joined the group as Changkyun hung on Shownu’s opposite shoulder and looked at Minhyuk, still pouting.  He smiled and whistled in an impressive tone before looking at you.  

“I’m surprised you managed to rope him in.  He’s a rowdy one.”  You put a proud smile on your face, crossing your arms under your chest.  

“I have to be able to do this much at least, or else I can’t really call myself your manager now can I?” Changkyun erupted into a fit of laughter now as Shownu slightly pushed at the back of Minhyuk’s head, telling him he should at least apologize.  Jooheon felt like he should too, seeing as he decided to use the closest person as a shield, that person being you, without permission or forewarning. But you denied the action.

“No, no, it’s fine.  It’s nice to be able to test my skills and reflexes.  It’ll make certain that I’m not getting rusty.”  You jolted slightly as you felt a sudden hand on your head.  You looked up before you looked at your side, seeing Kihyun rub your head.  Peering at you.

“See?  I told you, you’ll be just fine.”  You shrugged.  And so, the life of your manager days begun.

----------------------------------------

It hadn’t been more than 4 months when you had suddenly started avoiding Kihyun.  Avoiding him was difficult and he found it amusing at first.  Watching you become startled when he entered the same room as you, or if it was just him and you, you’d make some rushed excuse to leave.  He’d watch you fumble with your things in your hands or stumble with your quick strides to leave in a pace that was sped up, but hopefully not too obvious to the naked eye.

But, as time ran on, you kept up with your little avoidance game.  And like your quicken strides, his patience with you, along with his once present entertainment, was running thin.  He was quickly becoming annoyed.  His negative attitudes became apparent to the others when he would come back to the dorms and unceremoniously flop onto the couch, or waltz to his room to have an angry mumble session.  

He didn’t exactly hide the shameless stares and little actions towards you, and probably anyone who knew you two could tell he likes you.  But, even if you caught his gazes or noticed his small actions, you seemed to brush it off as his personality.  He wasn’t like Minhyuk and able to show his full affection towards someone, but he wasn’t like Shownu who was reserved and only acted om such deep feelings when pushed into a corner.  

He was comfortable with giving you small hints, but those hints could be played off in a way that didn’t seem serious.  He wasn’t some playboy who only wants you for your body, or only looks at your for your face and how its perfection shines through, with or without makeup.  He wanted you; the whole package.  

Your body, no matter how it may change in time, your skin with or without acne or the stretch marks you use to complain to him about.  Your personality, your witty jokes, your ability to flawlessly pull out your cute side and commit genocide from your adorable side.  He wanted you.  

His actions may seem immature and non-serious to any unfamiliar bystander, but his members and himself knew just how serious about you he was.  

So, not only was he annoyed at your avoidance game, but he was slowly becoming more and more confused and hurt by it.  He didn’t want you to hate him or avoid him anymore.  It would literally make him sick if you told him you didn’t like him.  He’d stop staring if you wanted him to, he’d stop touching your hands or rubbing your arms or slinging his arm over your shoulders when you visited the dorms.  He’d stop, if only you told him you didn’t like it.  He didn’t want to push you away, but all he seems to be doing is just that.  

He had left the dorm one night, not being able to sleep.  He had to go for a walk to clear his head, his negative thoughts eating him alive.  You’d be with them on set tomorrow for a photoshoot, so you’d be with them and encouraging them and looking over photos with them.  So maybe, he could talk to you tomorrow.  

He grabbed a jacket and put it over his white shirt and with his sweats and sneakers, he was out. Mask over his nose and mouth kept the nighttime particles of fine-dust out of his system, for the most part, and he had stopped for a coffee.  Caffeine may not be wise when you need sleep, but whatever.  It still wasn’t too late, only 10, and the effects would wear off soon enough.  

Somehow though, something happened that he didn’t expect.  He was leaning against a random wall on some empty street, just browsing around with his eyes as he sipped at his coffee, mask moved to hang on his right ear.  He watched as the dim lights from the parking garage across the street from him would flicker with poor battery usage of the area and then watched the lights from the windows of the apartment building, the garage belonged to, turn off and on.  

He watched as a car came down the road, slowed and turned into the garage, but he managed to catch a glimpse of the driver thanks to the street light and without taking a moment to think about it, followed the car with his eyes as he crossed the street and followed it in.  He watched the car park and went to the passenger side of the car before he peered inside.  

This may be a bit odd, creepy to some random bypasser, but you were in the driver’s seat.  You were rummaging around in your purse before you got out of your car and started moving to the passenger side.  Kihyun ducked his small body and moved to the right where he hid behind the other side of the car, out of view.  You had opened the door and got in, looking for something under the seat. 

Kihyun acted on impulse.  He had quickly stood up, while your head was down, and opened the unlocked drivers side door and got it.  You didn’t notice the dip in the car from your own movement and nearly had a heart attack when you heard the drivers side door shut.  You knew you shut the door, so why did it just shut again?  

Looking up, ready to be met with some masked killer or something, you still jumped and nearly threw your clutch bag at the face of Kihyun, casually putting his half drank coffee in your cup holder.  You huffed out, annoyed and forgetting the fact that you had been avoiding him, just to chew him out.  

“Yoo Kihyun!  What the hell, you nearly gave me a heart attack! Why are you in my car? Where did you even come from?”  He only rolled his eyes and reached across you, pushing you back into the seat and shut your door, pushing the lock down into the door where it couldn’t be pulled back up.  He had briefly remembered you tell him about how the lock function on your passenger side door was screwed up, so he’d use that to his advantage.  

He moved back to sit in the driver’s seat and press the lock to make sure all other doors and even the windows were locked.  You weren’t going anywhere without giving him answers. He finally looked back up at you, watching as your glare was an impatient and annoyed one.  It was strange to feel relief in a gaze that was directed negatively at him.

“We seriously need to talk.”  With the sound of his voice resonating in the small space of the car, you finally realized your predicament.  You were trapped, and with no way out because of your shitty car not being able to function like a car should. You were just happy he didn’t reach over and put your seat belt on too.  You turned your head around so you didn’t look at him, effectively avoiding the glare he pierced into the back of your head.

“Y/N.”  You didn’t even turn around at the lack of honorifics, much less the higher power tone he used when he was angry.  You just shuddered, not wanting to be in this situation and swallowed the lump in your throat that’s been there for months now.

“Kihyun.”  You fought back, gaze still averted.

“We need to talk.”  You shook your head.  

“No. No we don’t.” You raised your finger at him, still not looking. “Besides, you have a photoshoot tomorrow.  You should be at the dorm. Sleeping.” He clicked his tongue as you felt the car jerk.  Next thing you knew, your chin had been grasped and you were being forced to look at Kihyun.  He was leaned over the middle compartment between the passenger and driver seat, his knee in his seat for leverage and his other free hand on the door to your side for balance.  

“Why the hell are you acting like I’m enemy #1?  Seriously, I haven’t properly talked to you in weeks and tonight is the most you’ve said to me lately.  What did I even do?”  You didn’t know how to answer.  He didn’t know what he did, it was obvious because you wouldn’t tell him.  

You wouldn’t tell him how his stares and actions affected you, but not in a bad way.  They’d make you flush, become embarrassed, flustered- you felt like a highschool girl even though you had graduated long ago.  You had always thought that being his manager, Kihyun wasn’t an option for you romantically speaking.  Even if you weren’t working with him, as a stand alone woman, you always thought he was way out of your league.  You’d be lucky to spare a glance at him on the streets as a normal woman.

Kihyun felt as your face warmed in his palm and your cheeks flushed.  Your mouth hung open just a bit as you breathed and your eyes were rapidly moving to and fro, wider than they would normally be if they were relaxed.  Now he had a suspicion.  Could you possibly…?

“Y/N, I need to ask you something.”  You just blinked. “For that I need you to look at me.”  You hesitantly moved your eyes to look at him, but felt like if you held it for too long, you’d burst into tears.  He was beautiful to look at, too beautiful, and you hadn’t properly looked at him for so long. With this situation, it was all so frustrating.  

What's the point of having a heart to keep you alive if all it does is thud unevenly, in constant, random patterns, when you look at one man?  Like, it felt like you were going to die, but no, you were just overwhelmed by the emotions that that stupid organ pumped into your brain.

“Do you like me?”  Your eyes blew wide and you jerked back instinctively.  Your head hit the plastic frame of your window with enough power to make the car waddle.  You winced as Kihyun gasped at the sound and you cradled your head.  He jumped out of the car, unlocking the doors first, and ran to your side and opened your door, catching your body that fell out of it backwards.  Your legs hung in the seat as your back was against his chest, he himself kneeling on the concrete ground of the parking garage.  

“Are you okay?!”  You just nodded, still wincing. Kihyun reached into the car and grabbed your clutch before lifting you out of the car and to your feet, using him as a crutch of sorts.  He had known your floor and room number so with the travel to the elevator to your living room, he just looked at you as you would rub at your head.  

As you sat on your couch, the pain had dulled to an annoying pain and you knew it would be gone in a while, but the headache you’d probably wake up with would be annoying.  You felt the cushion beside you dip as the sudden feeling of coldness was pressed on the back of your head.  You jumped slightly, looking to see Kihyun, hands up in defense.

“Sorry!  I have ice,” he showed the small ice pack wrapped in a thin towel to you. “See?  It’ll help.”  You just nodded at him as he put it back on your head. You sighed after a moment, both in content and at the fact you finally were convincing yourself to give Kihyun answers.  Maybe it was your scrambled head that pushed you to it, who knows.  

“You really want to know?” He furrowed his brow at your sudden question, but after some thought he knew you were asking about his question from earlier, before you decided to hit your head.  He nodded, but noticed your closed eyes.

“Yeah, I do.”  He took in a breath quickly before adding on. “Look, I’m sorry if you don’t like me staring at you, or touching you or whatever.  I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings or make you dislike me, but I couldn’t even apologize before. You wouldn’t even stay in the same room as me for more than a few seconds.” He watched you sigh.  

“Sorry, I was just acting immature.” You reached up and took the ice pack from him and held it yourself.  He retracted his hand and looked at you, sitting sideways on the couch, one leg folded on the cushions the other hanging and touching the ground.  “I didn't know how to act around you because of how I felt.  Sorry if you thought I hated you, I don’t.”  You snickered at yourself, “I really don’t.”  

“So… you really do like me?”  You scoffed again at yourself.

“Oh, do I.  It’s pretty ridiculous if you ask me, I think I like you too much.”

“So, if I asked you to be my girlfriend, you’d say yes?”  You looked at him, your eyes narrowing a bit. If this was his version of teasing, you would hit his head with enough force he’d need the ice pack.

“Kihyun-”

“I’m serious.  I promise.”  His tone was one of complete truth, he really was serious and he wasn’t lying to you.  “I really, really like you Y/N.  I have for months and I though you hated me.  God, why did you send so many mixed signals?!”  You saw his cheeks warm and you smiled a bit at him.  He hadn’t seen you smiled at him in so long.  He held out his hand and you looked at it.  “Gimme the ice pack.”  You hesitantly did so as he grabbed it then told you to turn around.  

“Uh, why?”

“Just trust me, okay?”  You did as he said, still skeptical and turned your back to him.  You felt him move a bit before the cold of your head was replaced by something soft and warm.  Before you could question what he had just done, you felt yourself being pulled backwards to lay down.  Kihyun lay on his back on the couch, you on his chest as he put the ice pack under your head and on his chest to use as a cooling pillow.  His arms locked you in place, finding their place around your waist, and his legs were propped up on either side of yours, you being between his.

“Uh, Kihyun?” Your voice was quiet, any louder and it’d crack.  

“Hmm?”  He hummed at you, and you felt it vibrate through your back.  

“What are you doing?”

“Isn’t it obvious?”

“No, not really.”  It was silent afterwards, but you soon found yourself starting to doze off.  Kihyun was rubbing his thumb over your sides and your stomach and the warmth coming from him lulled you to sleep.  

“You never answered my question.”  You’re sleepy mind only managed a hum back to him.  “If I asked you to be my girlfriend, would you say yes?” Your tired mindset was your most honest and before you fell quietly asleep you only hummed in a higher tone and nodded to him.  He felt your body relax as he smiled and held you closer to him.  

He’d sleep here on the couch with you tonight, even if the members would blow up his phone in the morning or if he work up with a sore back, it would all be worth it for the first night sleeping with the love of his life in his arms.

[icestorm1196]

you know how sometimes you just want to stop?  or maybe you just want everything else to stop?  i don’t know.  i am not at my most coherent right now i guess.  not that it matters.  no one’s gonna read this right?  i mean, i’m posting it to the internet, but it’s mostly just me screaming into the void.  mostly i am hoping that writing some of it down will make it easier for me to put the damn safety pin away.  or at least cut my nails or something. 

im white. i have a ‘job.’  im fine. im fine.  

why am i not good?  theres nothing currently drastic happening. i sort of have money.  more than some, though my rent is obscenely high and i am not making enough to keep paying it for the next six months without help from my parents (and i can’t ask) or a new job (and no one wants me).

i have no marketable skills other than food service.  im gonna die a waitress. i cant even get a job as a receptionist because no one is hiring someone with no experience.  im several years out of college and i can’t get a job in my field, or an internship because all the internships go to college students.  

but its one of those things.  i know im gonna be stuck in jobs i hate my whole life.  im never gonna do the things i want, or the things i love. i wont get to travel. i wont get to act.  im gonna be miserable and useless and poor forever and i don’t want that.  

its one of those ‘are my friends really my friends’ things.  i dont think so. none of my friends have ever really been friends. ive always been an out of sight out of mind person. sometimes ive tried to reach out.  it doesn’t tend to work.  even when i was in college, everyone i hung out with tended to spend breaks together. i lived a few hours away. i didnt get invited.  or they’d all go to the movies and maybe theyd text someone to join...not me though.  

wah wah wah right? who the fuck cares?  boo hoo, i don’t get invited to things. 

even when i do, half the time i feel like i invited myself and i spend the whole damn time worrying that everyone secretly wishes id leave.

im nothing.

my sister would care if i died.  my parents.  my brother?  who knows.  and if my mom ever finds out that i am not straight then she’d fucking disown me anyway. would anyone else give a fuck though?  idk.

im not gonna kill myself or anything.  i know these aren’t real problems.  body image issues etc whatever. who doesn’t have them?  no one. im boring. my problems are boring. and they are stupid.  and it is stupid that i let them get to me.

people have real problems. people face addiction, homelessness, mental illness.  girls are getting raped by their family members or sold into sex slavery and people are being made into child soldiers.  there’s a madman in the whitehouse and people have to deal with racism and bigotry on a day to day basis.

i have such stupid, pointless little white girl problems.  and i can’t even handle those without having a fucking panic attack at 2 am apropos of nothing.

im nothing. my issues are unimportant. im not gonna change the world by being in it, or by leaving. im a blip. most of us are, really.  why does it bug me so much?  im ridiculous.

the only real problem i have is neurofibromatosis. and that’s mostly physical. its all vanity. these horrible little tumor bumps that just show the fuck up in the most inconvenient places.   and its not like they are cancerous or anything.  just ugly.  

i hate that i cant control these things.  my body keeps fucking betraying me.  food i used to like seems to make me sick.  maybe that’s good cause if i can’t eat things then i wont be a fucking fat ass anymore.

whatever.

im fine.

i keep thinking that i should maybe talk to someone? but who the fuck? my sister? she’s eighteen, i cant lay this shit on her.  who else? the only times ive ever tried talking to people who told me that i can talk to them ‘whenever’ about these things, ive been basically shat on. ‘sorry, im kinda taking a nap,’ ‘sorry, im busy’.’its 3 am, i was asleep’ blababla. and the friends i have that don’t know that im a mess (or don’t know how deep it goes i guess) i dont want to know.  i have a reputation to uphold.  im the ‘perky’ one.  suicide hotline? except im not gonna kill myself and calling there would just get in the way of someone who actually needs help.  therapist? why would i talk to a stranger that i pay to pretend to care about my stupid problems?  so that leaves me with the internet.

a blog no one gives a fuck about seems just the place to post the incoherent 2am rambling of a twenty something never-will-be.  (can’t be a has-been if you were never anything). 

anyway. im done i think.

i don’t really feel better. i had hoped i would.  maybe im tired enough to sleep now. 

[2m39cm]

Ideal top 11??? Obviously i think Jaehwan will be in yours so like, the additional top 10?

Sorry for making you wait! But I think I can finally answer your question!

I guess this list is a mixture of what I think the final lineup ranking will look like combined of course with my own personal preferences

DISCLAIMER: things that personally matter to me MOST in an idol group include: Overall group chemistry (no fake kindness, genuinely get along with others) Skills, Visuals,And in the case of PD101, A manly group NOT a boy group (none of that, “we are the Dream boys”….)

1. Kang DanielHe was eye catching since the beginning and we don’t even have to talk about how much his popularity has soared. If god forbid anything happen to Kim Jonghyun’s rank, he would be amazing leader potential. Daniel is skilled without question and i can still see him working hard to improve his singing and dancing skills on pd101. His ability to have a cute and manly personality is a bonus

2. Park JihoonHe won’t die in the hearts of Korean fans. And yes, I’m using his visual as my backup but that is also kind of the role of idols, to grab your attention and stand out. Being a very stable dancer and having a genuinely kind personality is a bonus. I think Jihoon is very hard working and he has an honest consideration for constantly pleasing his fans.

3. Kim Jonghyun Everyone knows he’s the best and maybe the only real candidate for leader. He’s most attractive quality is his hard working attitude. I think when you look at other kpop leaders in the industry, the best ones are always the ones that lead by pushing their members from the back. Moreover I think if this group were to ever get into any fights, Jonghyun would be a very neutral character and always keep a rational mind, making sure everyone was being appreciated and on good terms with each other

4. Ong SeongwooHe’s an all rounder. More importantly and rare, HES GOT SENSE. He has a playful variety personality that attracts people and makes them happy. Looks are a bonus and skills are dependable. Who cares if the group already has a large female fanbase but still, it’s good to know that Seongwoo has a solid group of male fans which means they probably won’t go for little boy concepts.

5. Hwang MinhyunAnother dependable member that adds unique vocal qualities. He also adds to creating a more manly and grown up group image. Despite being an idol for so long, I think Minhyun is ALWAYS showing signs of improvement. Like Seongwoo, I think he’s also a very valuable all rounder. Honestly I don’t think the country should choose the top 11, Minhyun should.

6. Kim JaehwanYes I’m very Kim jaehwan biased but I don’t wanna see him sitting at 11th. He deserves a rank around 6th. He’s skills are unbelievable. He’s works extremely hard despite never really dancing this much in his whole life and he’s super dependable. EVERY performance with him has been legendary. I’m sick of people arguing that he should be a singer not an idol… of course he wanted to be a singer, he’s tried so many times! But now hes come to his last resort, the one place where he can gain skills and still do what he loves, SINGING but as an idol.

7. Lee DaehwiI didn’t think things were looking good for daehwi due to the hate he was receiving as being a “center that was lacking” but just thinking/imaging what an ‘idol’ is, daehwi is exactly that except he comes with SKILLS. The only concern is that he is still young so he would have trouble blending into a very manly image but NEVER has started proving me wrong. On a side note, he’s a very suitable maknae

8. Park WoojinHe has an insanely good rapping voice and he’s even better at dancing. I was afraid that he would have trouble getting along with the others but it’s seems he’s SO MUCH MORE comfortable with the Hyungs now. He has a beagle character for sure! What I think is most valuable about Woojin is that he can do cute and manly.

9. Lai GuanlinI feel like this is some idea from SM but you can’t have a perfect group. When you see members that are lacking in certain areas, thats when the skills of others are highlighted even more, because they help to fill each others weak points. I think Lai Guanlin has shown a lot of improvement even though he has a LONG WAY to go but Koreans kind of like that. Koreans have lots of emotion and sympathy, they like to see underdogs come through and watch how they grow which is why I think Guanlin has been so popular

10. Im YoungminYeah another rapper to add to this group but I think youngmin has been a consistently good performer whether it be rap or dance. He has a surprisingly large fanbase which are very dedicated so it is quite a possibility seeing him in the final lineup. Seeing him adapt and his positive attitude after leaving the NEVER group was very admirable, a quick learner indeed.

11. Yoon JisungYou all think I joke but for real. He would tie the entire group together. Jisung is a good singer, great expressions and very driven. I think he’s dancing needs improvement and by that I think he just needs MORE confidence. Honestly he would be a great mood maker and really help the whole group get along. I can already see him shining on variety shows. In the words of Daniel, “idols should be good at everything”, INCLUDING VARIETY.

It’s an odd combo I know… but I truly believe the chemistry between this group would be amazing.

I’ll now explain why popular candidates like dongho, Samuel, Bae jinyoung etc. missed out on this list, but THEY STILL HAVE A GOOD CHANCE OF BEING IN THE FINAL LINEUP

Dongho- I personally think Dongho is skilled for sure, but for me personally his entire image is very different to boys like daehwi and jihoon. I’m just not sure how he’d fit in. Also I think 3 nuest members will cause a lot more bad finger pointing at nuest and I also considered how Minki would feel if all of them got in except for him. It would feel AWFUL.

Bae Jinyoung - still mostly a visual but I think with more practice his vocals could be better. Every time I hear him sing it just feels like his struggling. BUT ASIDE ALL THAT, He needs CONFIDENCE. How can you be a performer if your not confident in your skills. Yes everyone is hating on haknyeon right now but he knows he’s lacking and yet, he’s still confident on stage. That’s something I think we need more of from jinyoung even though we’ve only seen tiny bits of it in Oh Little Girl

Kim Samuel - Samuel is a hard topic you see, I more than anyone else just wanna see his dreams come true but I don’t think he deserves to be buried in a group of 11 idol imaged boys. Samuel is unique, he should reach higher, solo is the way to go. However I completely respect if pd 101 is his way of gaining more attention before taking the next step as a solo artist

Yoo Seonho - I just don’t understand how he’s good at piano but lacks in the singing department haha. Seonho is great, he’s hardworking and I was suprised he picked up the choreography for Open It quickly. I think what puts him slightly behind Lai Guanlin is that he’s still unstable. I don’t think he’s really found HIS strength yet, although I think he’s leaning towards singing, it still has quite a way to go.

Ha Sungwoon - we all feel bad for him but I dunno anymore. I kinda resent him for giving up the role of main vocal in Downpour so easily. I wish he would’ve fought harder to be center then instead of being the one to suggest Jaehwan do it. But now it seems a little late. Sungwoo is overqualified for pd 101, but after mnet dedicated quite a bit of screen time to him, there’s nothing else they can do for his ranking. It’s ultimately up to the people and the only reason I can think of is that he doesn’t capture the attention of the majority? And I think that same statement goes for Noh Taehyun. Both skilled but unable to capture mass attention sometimes. It's just unpredictable with Sungwoon in general because his fanbase is also so unpredictable

So dats where I stand on my top 11, and if you read through all of that I honestly love you, leave a like so I know❤️

AGAIN, I highly doubt my top 11 will come true but THE FINAL LINEUP COULD REALLY BE ANYONE SO DONT GIVE UP ON YOUR FAVS YET.

Just my personal opinions, please don’t be salty.

[bloojayoolie]

Church, Comfortable, and Definitely: The truth channel, stop. Nigga you don't know shit about music REPLY 12 hours ago (edited) 8 hours ago The truth channel, stop. Nigga you don't know shit about music" TELL ME CHILD? HOW MANY REAL INSTRUMENTS DID YOU PLAY by AGE 5? 1 PLAYED 13. BY THE TIME I WAS IN 11th GRADE I WAS TAKING HOME AN INSTRUMENT A WEEKEND FROM THE BAND CLOSET and LEARNING HOW TO PLAY IT. IT TOOK THE BAND DIRECTOR 6 YEARS TO TALK ME INTO JOINING THE SYMPHONIC BAND. I DIDNT PLAY A SINGLE BAND INSTRUMENT. WHEN HE ASSIGNED ME MY FIRST INSTRUMENT I LEARNED TO PLAY IT IN 3 DAYS. I BEAT OUT the 2nd CHAIR WHOD BEEN PLAYING FOR 5 YEARS. I AM EVERYTHING PRINCE CLAIMED TO BE WASN'T. COMPARED TO ME YOURE NOT A NOVICE, LITTLE ONE. YOU ARE A MUSICAL HANDICAP I WAS IN A MAJOR STUDIO WORKING LAST SUMMER and ONE OF THE ENGINEERS ASKED ME WHAT KIND OF IMPACT DID I WANT TO HAVE ON OTHER MUSICIANS? IT TOOK ME 1/4th of a SECOND TO ANSWER THAT. I SAID TO MAKE THEM WANT TO QUIT THAT OFFENDED EVERYONE WITHIN EARSHOT UNTIL I EXPLAINED WHAT I MEANT. SEE, WHEN YOU COME ACROSS SOMEONE WHO IS WAY MORE TALENTED and FAR MORE SKILLED THAN YOU... IF THERES ANYTHING REMOTELY REAL IN YOU AS FAR AS TALENT IS CONCERNED IT WILL INSPIRE YOU TO BE BETTER. IF THERE ISNT... IT WILL INSPIRE YOU TO QUIT THE PROBLEM WITH MUSIC NOW WELL AT LEAST COMMERCIAL MUSIC IS THAT IT IS FILLED WITH HACKS. HACKS RUN THE LABELS. HACKS SIGN OTHER HACKS UNTIL YOU CANT TURN THE DAMNED RADIO ON WITHOUT HEARING HACKERY. I WOULD LOVE TO INSPIRE ALL THE HACKS.... TO QUIT. ITS TIME FOR A HOUSE CLEANING THE INTERNET PROVIDED AN ERA WHEN COMPLETE TOTAL INTELLECTUAL BASTARDS CAN SAY THINGS LIKE THIS TO A MUSICAL PRODIGY and SOCIETY IS IMMUNE to the DANGER THIS PRESENTS BECAUSE THERE ARE MORE INTELLECTUAL BASTARDS THAN THERE ARE PRODIGIES. THERES A REASON HISTORY KNOWS THE NAMES BACH and MOZART. IT ISNT BECAUSE HISTORY IS REQUIRED TO KNOW THEM. ITS BECAUSE THEY LIVED DURING A TIME WHEN THE VOICE OF AN IDIOT WAS NOT HEARD WITH THE SAME INTENSITY and AMPLITUDE as the VOICE of the BRILLIANT. NUCLEAR BOMBS WILL NOT DESTROY MANKIND. SOCIAL MEDIA and the INTERNET WILL. THE INTERNET GIVES EQUAL VOICE. ONE DOES NOT HAVE TO EARN A VOICE. ONE DOES NOT HAVE TO PROVE THEY HAVE A RIGHT TO BE HEARD. ONE DOES NOT EVEN HAVE TO HAVE ANYTHING WORTH HEARING to BE SAID. ALL THAT IS REQUIRED IS AN INTERNET CONNECTION. SPREADING STUPIDITY, MEDIOCRE TALENT, IRRATIONAL RAMBLING and COMPLETE DISREGARD FOR THE GOOD OF THE WHOLE. THESE ARE THE DARK GIFTS the INTERNET HAS CURSED THE WORLD WITH. Show less REPLY 23 hours ago if you're so good how come nobody gives a shit about your music b 1 REPLY 22 hours ago our agoHighlighted reply if you're so good how come nobody gives a shit about your music" because gods decide when they appear. 1REPLY and you're welcome to share any music of mine you dont give a shit about with anyone here- REPLY 0 21 hours ago you seem real fun man. Keep being so cynical itll definitely make u more likeable. But for real you give of such an egotistical vibe, you gotta watch out for that. Good luck with your music 2REPLY 21 hours ago Arrogance is a bore when there is nothing supporting it. An ego built on nothing is a fool's castle. The real problem we have now is that we love mediocrity because it does not challenge us. It makes us comfortable with our own areas of lack. We must guilt the rich and ignore the genius so we can feel better about or own lack thereof. Im sick of living in a world where people like myself have to hide and are made to feel guilty for things beyond our own control. I didn't ask for extreme gifting anymore than a person born in poverty asked to be poor. Art is a reflection of where a society is. Todays art says that culture in the Western Hemisphere is in the garbage compactor Show less 2 days ago Can we stop insulting the artist and just focus on the music. I get that post malone is not pretty, but it just filler 203 REPLY Hide replies 2 days ago focus on what music? None of this is music. It doesnt even pass for mathematics. 8 REPLY 2 days ago oh you are so truly enlightened. Everything you don't like isn't considered music because it doesn't fit your narrow definition. Get off your high horse, I doubt you can do better 37REPLY 2 days ago You doubt I can do better huh?) -Haha... am so tempted to blow your mind in ways you would never recover from. I did better when I was 6 years old 1 REPLY 2 days ago prove it then. For all I know, you're full of shit. Without action they are just words 16 REPLY 2 days ago And you'd be just as full of shit after I got through with you. I have way more than words' and far more than just pitiful action. When you've written over 600 songs, produced, performed and arranged over 7,000 tracks of music, composed, orchestrated and conducted live orchestra sessions for your own tracks every single multi-track performed by you, sang by you, engineered by you, mixed by you in one of the most famous studios on planet earth? Come talk to me Theres only a precious few as qualified as I am to make criticisms PERIOD REPLY I mean the quality of music is purely axiomatic, so i don't get why you are even arguing about it LL 12 hours ago Hahaha...! looked at your channel Im not a god compared to you. I AM GOD compared to you. When people have no embarrassment threshold they belong to a Victorian Era Circus. Do you have a humped back and a penchant for swinging on church bells while screaming in a half autistic voice Esmerald! ??? 1. REPLY Totally a musical genius.

[norman-reedus-gossip]

bulk

--mod--

I'll add to the comments. 

Bulk

Anon: DK once said she traveled 24 hours to see JJ for only one day. She did the same with Norman now

.


Anon:

 
So now that we know DK is definitely in Barcelona (just jared) has anyone still a explanation why she's hiding? Why didn't she attend Normans gallery opening to show they are just friends? Why was she sneaking around in Barcelona alone meanwhile? Why did the fans two days ago say he was with his girlfriend? Why would they lie. Norman is pissing his pants, he deleted comments calling them out. He usually never does this. You all don't know DK, she wouldn't travel the world to see just a friend.




Anon:  


Just Jared shared pics of DK in Barcelona. It was her with him and they were trying to hide their dirty little secret. I hope someone will call them out now. Norman already deleted some comments calling him out. Seems like he can't take it.




.


Anon:

It still ticks me off people are now going to label N as a liar or pos. Dude is probably just trying to protect his privacy. Are they fucking? Probably, but I wouldn't buy them wedding gifts just yet. I can't wait to hear what PR wife has to say lol



Anon: 


So it was DK on the bike...




Anon: 


Love you mod! 😘 I love N but he fucked himself with this one. US papers are going to pick up on this, and I highly doubt his people are going to issue another denial. Which he should have never had them do in the first place. If he's boning her, own up to it, if not, he probably should start. lol I don't see a committed relationship here. Cause this fucker sure flirts/goes out with a lot of other people besides her, many of them women. What do you think mod? Im genuinely curious on ur take?




Anon: Ya'll need to think logical. If Dk was only normans friend she would have been there at his gallery opening yesterday. she definitely wasn't. they are together probably since sky and cheating is involved and now they are trying to hide their dirty little fling. they deserve each other. norman is not the person he claimed to be which disgust me to death.                                                                                                    --mod--

Don't die anon.




Anon: 



Oh did you all see Norman and DK let delete all the pictures of them in Barcelona on IG. There were lots of them in both her and his tag and now they all disappeared. Someones trying to hide the dirty secret. They can't take that people called them out when they were sure no one noticed them together in spain. But sure, friends do all this if they don't have anything to hide. Also I wonder why she didn't attend his opening show last night? Friends support friends... oh wait.... 
                                                                                                                                   --Mod-- I don't think they can delete someone else's photos


Anon: 


Daily Mail has an article out now too. Well done Norman. Didn't work with the hiding and trying to secretly screw around in Europe. Too bad. I almost feel sorry for his reps, they tried to do damage control and officially denied it because Norman probably lied to them too and now THEY are the ones looking bad. Hope they going to kick his booty out pretty soon. 




Anon: 
Mod I'm sorry but I just will never get it. Why did Norman let his reps deny a romance if he knew he'd secretly meet her in Barcelona just two weeks later? Are his reps okay with this? They gonna look like liars I can't believe they agree with what hes doing. It's Norman's fault and his own problem when the next shitstorm is coming now. He and his reps should have said simply nothing but now they look so shady and false. No one will ever believe them again. And that's why I don't understand it. 
                                                                                        -mod-- I don't think your the only one WTF'ing right now




Anon: 


Norman makes me want to vomit so hard. I'm so sick of him and his shit. He stone cold lied into everyone's face, saying he's just friends with DK. Hell he even let his reps deny it. Wonder how they feel about this now. They will look like liars. If this man was my client I'd kick his ass out faster than he can look. It truly disgusts the hell out of me. Specially a man who claimed to love honesty is the biggest liar. Yo Norman, I hope your image is gonna fall to pieces. No fan deserves this. --mod-- Don't puke too hard you might pull a muscle 




Anon: 


None of the gossip site reporting on NR and DK's relationship seem to believe they are just friends so why should we? 
--mod-- People can believe what they want. We don't all have to agree




Maria: 
People should calm down 
The only thing that bothers me regarding the DK/NR situation is the lack of respect of people, they create pages on IG to insult them. They call DK slut, pig, wh*re, etc…and they do the same to NR. Come on people, you can not agree with their relationship (friend or love) but have some education and respect, they don’t own you anything and you won’t win anything if they stop seeing each other. Mod, sending you some whisky and nachos to help you deal with the crazies.
http://www.casimages.com/i/170314052229350479.jpg.html
--Mod-- That's a picture of HEAVEN 




Anon: 
Mod, what do you think now? I may be in the minority but what if they are only friends on his side of the coin but it's HER who wants more? How stupid would Norman be to deny it & knowingly have her come to Barcelona 2 weeks later to make him look like a complete lying fool? Her pap shots leaving NYC & then arriving in Paris weren't exactly secretive either. It's not like she didn't tip off anyone that she was on the move and even what part of the world she was in. Something's not right about it --mod-- I don't I guess. I guess I just don't see as a full on relationship, it's something but not all lovely dovey like this pay for play rags make it out to be.He's never really had a problem with being seen with someone his fans disapprove of.


Anon: 
what happened to the DK/NR bike pic?? I can't seem to find it anywhere anymore!! Did everyone just delete it simultaneously orrrr --mod-- It's still out there.



Anon: 


Shes clearly not hiding. NO1 barc paparazzi would know who she was or even nobody except online fans knew she COULD be there. Yeah she wore a hoodie but she also was super over the top trying to make ascene and even took off her glasses so they couldclearly get her face never mind wearing the same clothes as when she was on the bike just so we'd know for sure she was with NR. Total setup cos she doesn't like being the dirty little secret. Get out of there gurl i don't like u but u deserve better

 


Anon: 


I don't want to go to wsc to meet him now. He's not who I thought he was. I thought he was always the sweet honest guy he portrayed himself as but if any of this is true, how can he be if this is what he has been hiding and then officially lying about to TMZ and everyone else? does anyone know if you can sell wsc tickets? --mod-- You can totally sell your tickets, I see them on Craigslist all the time. Or you could go and meet someone else.



Anon: 


I think this hate group did something to NR and DK's benefit. Of course that's not the their purpose but there was so much anger and hatred in their messages. And then everyone felt the need to act to defend them. Have a good day Mod, I love you Can I ask for a gif from you? --mod-- Wait there's a hate group. That's not rad. I'll get your gif up soon. Any requests 




Anon:

 
I wish Norman would say something else. This looks SO bad. If he's really only just friends with her then I think he needs to put his other foot down. No one is acknowledging his first denial and this just looks so terrible now. She didn't go to the second art gallery because I think it would have overshadowed it like the first, no matter what the truth is (friends or otherwise). So I wish he would do a full statement on this. 




Anon:

 
To the people saying she didn't want to be seen, that can't be true. If she were REALLY trying to keep it quiet, she didn't have to announce that she was in Europe at all. If he were really trying to keep it quiet, why would he go riding around with her and then take selfies with fans with her standing off to the side? Something isn't adding up! 


Anon: 
Re: potential cheating. Sky was filmed in very early 2015. The supposed bar kissing was in Dec 2015, right? It's now March 2017, and we're just now seeing pictures of them potentially together. JJ's been spotted kissing women twice since the official split. But no public romance from DK / Norman. If they've been together since say February 2015, (1) that's a long-ass time to be sneaky, (2) esp. since neither seems to have super-duper spy skills, & (3) it's the weirdest "affair" I've ever seen. 
--mod-- 3 is the best EVER




Anon:

 
I don't understand how everyone can be upset and saying they are done supporting N when there was just a rumor out that he MIGHT be with DK.. But now that it seems he is everyone is fine with it? Makes no sense. My personal opinion (and I've seen this before) he thinks his fans dont approve of his gf just because "theyre crazy fangirls who want him". No, people don't approve because of WHO the girl is. If I recall weren't most of his previous gf liked? Haha btw love your blog. Great job mod💖 
--mod-- Most we generally liked I believe 


Anon: 


Wait, am I the only one who thinks they could just be friends? I don't understand why people aren't believing his denial? He denied they were dating not that they were friends. Maybe she had time so she went over to Barcelona from Paris as friends? Maybe he didn't lie at all?? Maybe she's the one still after his fame? 


Anon:

 
I can't believe he did this. He blatantly LIED. Even if they had been together and keeping it quiet, he puts out a denial only to be caught??? I don't get it. Why would he stay silent for a year, then put out a denial then get caught with her? I don't understand any of this!!! I am SO disappointed in him. I can't believe he would lie to his fanbase so blatantly. I defended him for so long. And it's not because I'm "jealous" I'm genuinely hurt by his lying. He has no respect for us as fans. 




Anon:

 
I don't believe for one second they are dating. Just Jared is not exactly reputable and the article did say they were NOT seen together. I think it's nothing more than friends if even that. DK is sad and shady AF and it's obvious this is all for attention on her part. --mod-- 😏😏😏



Anon: 



Mod can I ask for your opinion? Do you think it's possible they *are* just friends? I can't get over that she planted those pap shots (both NYC and Bcla) so I can't believe he would risk his reputation by making a statement that they were friends before that and then get caught sneaking? Maybe he's just tired of having to not be seen with females he associates with? It's not a big deal for rich people to fly around the world. 
--mod--

Anythings possible. The shots are just weird and so are the articles. Whatever is going on they should probably talk it out, get on the same page and then do whatever they want. Also what I said makes no sense my brain hurts 


Anon:

 
If NR and DK were just friends I don't get why she's trying to hard not to be seen in Barcelona? It's obvious from the pics she was trying not to be spotted but why bother if you've got nothing to hide? --mod-- They may not have anything to hide, but regardless of what they do or don't do is going to be picked apart. She really isn't trying hard not to be seen. She's not hiding. Hiding is not walking around in broad daylight. I'm not shading her at all, she was in a beautiful city and was taking in the sights. But if your going to hide and you know people are looking for you, you don't go outside and stroll the streets. Just my opinion. 




Anon: 



Norman is not who I thought he was. He apparently lies and cheats and sneaks around. I am so upset. It has nothing to do with him being with someone but the way he lied about it. He's not the person he said he was to his fans. How can we believe anything he says to us anymore? I believed in him so much. He broke my heart if this is all true. 




Anon:

 
Mod I am so confused! We know that she is the one who paid for the NYC garage photos, then his PR makes a statement to deny it and then he is caught with her again? And she has paid for the new paparazzi pics bc no way would people even know to look for her in Barcelona. So what is going on? Why would he deny it on one side KNOWING that she would be trying to make it look real? If they were together, he would have known they were coming out so why would he make himself out to look like a liar?? 
--mod-- No idea. 



Anon:

 
Maybe this will all end now that it's obvious they are a couple no way their just friends. I will say DK didn't look to happy in those set up pap pictures norman not giving her his attention poor baby 



Anon: 


I'm sorry people but them coming out its not because will be a 'cheating scandal' when that shit was not even a cheating since there is no proof of that. They dont 'come out' because norman wants a fwb relationship. He denied anything with her because in the end they dont have a committed relationship and he couldnt say yeah we are friends that fuck. Diane obviously wants more than what she has but if she continues this greedy i see her in a very short minute being send to space very quick. 



Anon: 


If he was really interested in her and protecting her he had not denied anything and everything with her and since she was in barcelona he would have taken her to exhibition but since she didnt did that she made an 'oh so casually' paps pics when paps are not even common thing in barcelona. She is a friend that he fucks and he is willing to go all over the world at his call. that is her place on his life. she wants more but since he doesnt give her she tries to make it more than it is via tabs

 


Anon: norman wanted a fwb and made a problem...lol to me is very simple. He called her for a bootycall and she was willing to go. Non of the less and since she couldnt set him up...AGAIN, she calls the paps to 'catch her' in the middle of barcelona where she is not even well know or there is paps for C list celebs. It's obvious to me too this have NOTHING to him protecting her or not. he clearly doesnt want the same as her she is the one pushing and being ridiculous.


Anon: I still think she was there for his art show ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ friends support each other. 

Anon: 
Hey Mod, I noticed the story is in the Daily Mail too. Isn't that who DK pays off? And how come NO one talks about the denial he issued? Could you ask pr wife what she thinks now? 



Anon: 
MOD! Please tell us what you think. I don't understand something: Why would his PR people make him out to LOOK like a liar??? Because that is exactly what he looks like now. They have made it look like he IS sneaking around now. How is that beneficial to him?? Something is so weird with all this because the Daily Mail is all over it and she pays them. Am I the only one who is suspicious? 
--mod-- I dont think your the only side eyeing it. It's just so weird




Karyn:

Some thoughts. Sure, it all looks shady af but until I see pics of them holding hands or kissing I’m going to believe the “just friends”. Notice how she’s always shown up to where he is? Italy, France, & now Spain. He didn’t travel to Europe to see her when she was filming. She could just be one of those types of clingy women who might be sad/desperate/lonely after the end of a 10 year relationship, 40 years old, seeking something from someone - ANYONE! I think a lot of women can relate to that feeling of “I want someone to love me” after a break up and make dumb choices. Anyone who has ever been to a Con or seen Norman meet fans on the street, the guy has infinite patience so maybe he’s just being nice to a friend and she’s a little hopeful. Or maybe I’m totally wrong. Lol. Just remember, at this time there is absolutely ZERO actual proof they cheated.




Anon: 


So the annona source on blinds said there's something interesting that went down in Barcelona with the dk stuff. Can't wait to hear what it is. Sadly he is still in his fwb with her and the other lady who we won't name out of respect even tho he wants more with her. Why Norman can you not cut off toxic people like DK? She called the paps AGAIN. 


Anon: 


Alright, the way I see it, there's only two options left: 1. They are dating and they are both hypocritical liars. Or 2. DK has gone batshit crazy and is following Norman to the ends of the earth to save her quickly falling career. Question is - IF that's the case, why the hell is he playing in on it? It only reflects badly on him

 

Anon: Do people not realise how horrible it is that JDM and his wife can be papped kissing and being affectionate on the beach but NR and DK have to hide themselves and their relationship because of crazy fans?! I feel so sad for them that DK is having to walk around Barcelona undercover and that they can't be seen anywhere near each other because of fear of backlash. It's awful that some internet bullies are having a direct effect on two people's lives like that. --mod-- Those are 2 very different relationships. It's a married couple -vs- a maybe could be couple with all sorts of shady around them

. 


Anon: 


I am wondering if they ever officially go public. To me the difference between a relationship versus casual fwb would be things like he did with his last girlfriend. Even though he still never publicly acknowledged his ex, look at everything he did with her: Going on vacation alone together his usual places (without hiding it). Her visiting/living with him in GA, time with his family, vacay with him and his son, set visits, etc. She's gonna want him at events w/her which he did w/CS at first. --mod-- Touché



Anon: 


Maybe this is their way of going public? Or at least not caring if ppl see them anymore. Think about it. They were both in NYC, he'll return in a week. If they wanted to continue hiding why would she go all the way to Spain and be out in public with him? Why is she paying mags to take pics of her and write up articles? And ppl can say well that's just her but he's obviously fine with it. Putting on a hoodie and sunglasses before paps take your pic for the daily mail is not "incognito" lol --mod-- If this was a coming out it's done horribly. I mean they could've at least sent me whiskey before hand. 🤣🤣🤣 






Anon:

 
well, so much for his "brand" LMAO! most def not investing a single dime in ANY of his cheating lying asses work. frankly, i was getting tired of TWD anyway. --mod-- But Negans lean back is the best... you should at least tune in just to see how far he goes back 




Anon:

 
I believe Norman and Diane are secretly dating and I know as fans we shouldn't judge his personal life. But If the cheating scandal was true I can't say what he did was right. If Norman really did had a affair with Diane Kruger and did that to Joshua Jackson I feel like that was wrong to do. I still support Norman as a fan but at the same time I can't say what he did was okay.


[beastgal]

i know how it sounds and it sounds obsessive but there’s just so many things. I can’t stop thinking about what my life could have been like if i hadn’t been stricken by my illnesses, if i hadn’t been raised in a dysfunctional family, if i had had a real chance. People don’t seem to understand me when  I am in public. Sometimes people make fun of me. Sometimes men especially like to make comments or laugh at me. I hear boys my own age make ratings of me which are always low and it’s always some kind of joke to them how worthless i am. I just can’t stop thinking what my life could have been like. How much power I could have had just by being mediocre. I see such mediocre people and they are so powerful. I wish I could just have that. I wish I could just have that mediocrity. I don’t want to be a freak. I never asked for this. I never did anything to deserve this. My skin is prematurely aging and I don’t understand why. People think I am old, or a drug addict or disabled or some kind of person that’s bad. I mean I guess they are entitled to their personal opinions but I feel like I don’t even have a chance. I can’t go back to university. I tried so hard to do all the right things. I tried so hard to be myself and be genuine and be friendly but not desperate and not worry too much about making friends but just to be polite. I tried to stay out of the way. I tried to work the best i could. I tried to show up on time. I did try. i guess I just can’t do it. I can’t be both sick and ugly. I don’t have the energy to be smiling all the time and putting on a song and dance so that people don’t hate me and ignore me when i feel so tired i can barely get out of bed. I always feel like I have to prove my existence is worthy. I mean, if i look like this i have to pull my weight sort of thing. I wish i didn’t have to do anything. I wish I could just be myself and not have to do anything and that people would like me and accept me. I don’t even mean socially but just as a fellow human being.The thing is, and i know it’s really difficult to explain, but my skin is really bizarrely abnormally sensitive... to the light, to stress, to movement whatever. I don’t know why exactly and no doctor has been able to give me an explanation. So i get marks on my body all the time very noticeably and painfully from even slight movement or whatever. My face also looks older than it should for this reason. I get these red lines on my face when i pull an expression and i get absolute redness all over my face when i am triggered by stress or uv light. I’ve also had very bad acne over the years (as well as PCOS esque symptoms) leaving my face really ruined. It looks old. My skin has lines on my forehead, around my mouth that kind of thing. I look honestly like i am about 40 years old. But the thing is i also have really childlike facial features and an underdeveloped body (like a lack of breast development etc). So if I’m in softer lighting you can’t really see the wrinkles on my face and body as much. So in softer lighting people seem to perceive me as young and ‘cute’ thinking i’m 14 or something when i’m not. But when i’m in harsher lighting people can see how aged my face looks they tend to assume i’m a lot older like middle aged and they tend to be a lot less friendly to me. I mean i’ve had people like me...even fall in love with me because they like how I look in certain lightings but these people can’t handle how i look in the harshr light. I can see them physically turn away in disgust when they see me in that light. I have had a few friends who seem consistent but they are rare. Either people are being unusually sweet to me (in which case i’m thinking wait til you see in me in the other light) or they are being unusually hostile to me (which i prefer since at least they’re seeing the ‘real’ me but it hurts so bad). The thing is it’s usually the same people acting like this too. The same people that put me on a pedestal one moment are throwing me in the garbage the next minute. I know talking about the lighting sounds very dysmorphic but i genuinely believe my experiences with this are real. My whole sense of self is fractured. I don’t know which ‘self’ i should believe in. Like I can tell how much power i could have had just by doing nothing and just being pretty and looking healthy and maintaining my physical integrity. I understand what it’s like because people treat me like i’m pretty if i’m looking pretty in the moment. but they are still afraid of other people seeing me with them. If i’m in the worng light or the wrong angle or whatever i can just see the disgust in their faces. it has hurt me so many times. People laugh at the idea of me being in a relationship. Occasionally someone will be nice to me with their ‘special’ voice on because obviously if i look like this i must be stupid but mostly i’m unsalvageable. I mean I am sick with several autoimmune conditions but none of them which i have been diagnosed with particularly affect the skin as far as i’m aware. Like as i said...i don’t even want to be particularly ‘beautiful’ or anything i just want to look normal and be normal and have a normal chance at life. I don’t care to be excessively feminine or anything... i have never particularly worn make up or anything but when i have tried i have found it doesn’t make much of a difference in the way i’m perceived. make up can’t hide it. i don’t even mind the idea of getting older and being a wise mature woman or anything... i am totally fine with that. it’s just i don’t want that yet. I don’t have a context. People think i’m old and ugly and dirty and diseased and experienced and coming for them sexually or something like.. i have never had sex i couldn’t even if i tried i really don’t want to. it just hurts idk. idk even what im talking about this is very fragmented but i guess i just wanna keep talking about it because i guess the stuff i’m talking about isn’t just some kind of beauty standards thing it’s something else some other kind of experience... it’s not quite a disability thing since celiac is the worst illness i have and it’s generally not even considered a ‘disability’ lol it’s just i look like shit and celiac’s symptoms are not necessarily tied to the apprearance related changes i’ve had even if they’ve been caused by celiac/autoimmunity. like i get psoriasis on my scalp when i’m stressed and my hair is falling out like in a male pattern baldness type thing and i have this bald spot i was at the hairdressers i washed my hair before and i was trying so hard to be polite and the hairdresser was talking about how oily and dry and gross my hair was and that she had to wash it and idk then she was washing it and her hand were on my scalp and i felt so disgusting i felt bad she was touching my scalp i felt like i was contaminating her because i am contamination i just wanted it to end and she was making fun of me about my thinning hair (which is especially noticeable when it’s wet) to the other hairdresser and i wanted to cry and she was combing my hair back and you could see how thin it was and the hairdressers were talking to my mum and asking ‘how old is she?’ as if i was too dumb to answer a question like that and i mean i’m 19 i’m an adult. and one of the hairdressers made this unrelated comment about someone being 12 going on 34 or something and i can’t help but feel like i ‘inspired’ that comment i mean i just wanted to leave i just wanted to go home i was about to burst into tears right there i am tired of being a freak parading myself around for people to gawk at and theorise about. i was at spotlight this craft shop with my mum and i was getting this book for christmas which i wanted which was full of all these different knitted creatures which you can make and idk if i even have the patience or the skill to knit these creatures i just thought the book was pretty and that’s all i wanted and these people this couple they were making comments about me and jeering about oh is that her christmas present and the guy says to the girl just wait til you see her face and they were looking at me and i felt so sick it’s like everywhere i go everything i do produces some incident like this and i can’t handle it anymore. not at university not in public nowhere i am staying at home from now on. other than a few approved and ‘safe’ feeling places like the shopping centre. also i am living at my mum’s house now because my dad like does not interact with me anymore or feed me or anything except sometimes when he’s angry or something and i kept having these outbursts like screaming and crying on the floor and he just ignored it every time and at my mum’s house  i am a lot calmer except i am anxious about the hygiene of the house because she doesn’t clean it very well and there are stains and dead moths in the food cupboards so i have been cleaning and cooking myself the gluten free food but i don’t have that much energy and i’m sick and im a monster and my mum loves me but she just thinks i’m some kind of weird dollpetthing which is cute to keep around but which has no real use idk i am a monster though