#im just like. ok. ill take it as a sign and go to cope cause MAN... HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

[ozlices]

we're all v much aware we aren't making it out of this loop without a new alter forming and i feel like that's gonna happen soon cause i get senses for this shit ig as primary protector/gatekeeper? idk. i dont question it much but im trying to be like. hey if we can sense someone new forming that has to be a good sign we rly will be out of this soon so they can form proper and help us properly cause we'll be in a place where we can heal,,, right.

[dmc-tings]

The Lord's with an S/O (who just found out about their powers)

Alcina Dimitrescu

Noice 👌🏾

But what did you do for this woman to spare you?

She's like... the biggest man hater anywhere

So... if your a guy, you are lucky boi (or if you identify as a guy)

Or perhaps your a lucky lady?

I feel like she won't discriminate if she feels like your important to her

But for whatever reason she CHOSE YOU

So take that as a win

Sure, she's a vampire and has to eat people

Which was something you didn't know

But she doesn't eat in front of you

Even lying to the point of telling you she's drinking wine

You get curious, of course

So when she leaves to "take care of business", you look onto her glass or cup

You see red

"Ok... but it dont smell like wine..."

You take a sip, only to spit it out right away

Retching with disgust, you tasted blood

Your not an idiot, at least not fully anyways

Alcina rushed back, hearing you gag, thinking one of her daughters were bothering you

Only to see the sight in front of her

You looked at her in fear

Which hurt the tall woman's non beating (?) heart

You backed into a corner, thinking the worst

Looking for a makeshift weapon, you grabbed a spoon

To which made the Lady shake her head

"Love, you know I wouldn't-"

"Your a damned liar!!" You barked weakly, "W-what the fuck are you!?"

She sat calmly in the chair in front of you, gesturing for you to take a seat as well

You hesitated, but did comply, not letting go of your weapon (the spoon)

She huffed sadly, normally this behavior would have sent her into a rageful fit

But this is YOU we're talking about

Her little muse, the only mortal that makes her truly happy

"My Love, please calm down."

When you showed no sign of relaxing, Alcina took her glass in her hand, swirling the blood

Then takes a small sip, and lighting a cigarette

She offers you one

You cringe, and with that she pulls back again

After taking a puff, she begins to explain

Mother Miranda, the other Lord's, the creation of her daughter's, the Village, and everything else, prior to your showing up

After she finishes, you lower your loyal spoon

Drinking in all of the information

You looked up at her

"So that's why your so keen in keeping the girls away from me..."

The large woman nodded, looking at you

You bit your lip, but let go of your spoon, placing it back into the table

Alcina looked at you, watching you relax

You nodded a calm understanding

"Well seeing as I know what's going on now... is Mother Miranda going to-"

The Lady Dimitrescu, shook her head

"She has allowed for me to keep you. As long as you only stay in the castle... seeing as that the village is too dangerous. And I don't want you mixed up with the rif-raf."

You smiled and sat in her lap, (cause you can do that) and planted a kiss on her cold cheek

She let out a pleased humm, and returned the kiss

"Just... next time, if you choose a weapon, Love, make sure it has a SHARP end."

Salvatore Moreau

You had known Moreau since before Mother Miranda made an impact on his life

You saw less and less of your significant other

He would disappear and cut your alone time short, whenever the woman called

You were saddened when he finally told you that you couldn't see him anymore

But that's didn't stop him from speaking to you through whatever door, that separated you both

He didn't keep you locked up, but he would lock whatever door was between you

So you couldn't see the monstrous transformation, causing him pain

All you knew is that his voice was becoming more and more disgruntled

As said, you knew Salvatore before this

He was a handsome and intelligent man (despite what's written in Miranda's notes)

And to hear your man become... so in thralled by this other woman, made you suspicious

One day, you both were speaking, with a door between you, as usual

Unbeknownst to Salvatore, you were picking the lock

Eagar to see him

He never noticed the change in your tone, when you got it unlocked, nor the click of the lock

Shoving the door open, and pushing Salvatore back

The male let out a yelp, trying to rush in to the nearby darkness

You stepped through the threshold, eyes blazing and searching

You scanned the room and finally landed on a heap of a shivering... beast?

"Moreau? Is... is that you?" You crept closer, and gently put a hand on his back

"D-dont look at m-me...." he shivered, trying to hide himself

Horrified, you took his face on your hands

"I-is this... the work o-of-"

He cut you off, "Do-dont. Mother loves me... she does... I know she does..."

You felt tears pour down your face

You couldn't bring yourself to speak

That vile woman, had destroyed your dear Moreau

The man you knew and loved was beaten and broken into this sobing heap before you

He looked at you, and reached up to wipe your tears

"Oh... please don't cry... thi-this is her will..."

You shook your head, "what kind of will is this, Salvatore? To turn you-"

He pulled away from you, snarling, "I KNEW YOU WOULDN'T UNDERSTAND!!! Mother loves me, and i-"

You slapped him, your tears stopping, "What kind of man have you become?!"

Disgusted, not with his appearance, but his sniveling attitude

You left

But... not unaffected by what happened to the man you cared about

You left... everything behind, the Village, your family...

Salvatore Moreau never left your thoughts and you never left his

It was a bittersweet life, but you were glad to leave what was happening behind

Angie and Donna Beneviento

These two kept you in their estate

Though Donna hid Angie from you, worried that you wouldn't understand the need for her doll

She also kept the pollen from her plants away from you

You were the first person Donna could talk to, without her illness bothering her

No need for Angie!? And this person don't care!?

Fucking Jackpot!!!

Though Angie does get a bit upset that she don't get to see you

That's about to change

You and Donna where sitting in the backroom, overlooking the waterfall

Enjoying an afternoon tea

"Dear? How are you feeling today?"

Donna looked at you, taking your hand in her's giving you a smile

"I am well." She reassured you, giving your hand a squeeze

Then you sneezed, surprised cause your allergies hadn't started up, due to the lack of pollen

And the abundance of snow and cold

Donna gasped, looking over her shoulder

"Angie, n-"

Angie revealed herself, giggling and plopping herself in your lap

You froze, "A-a doll? Donna... is this a gift?"

You never really liked or disliked dolls

Angie gave another giggle, "No, stupid! I'm Angie. Donna's most favorite doll. And a friend."

Your eyes widened at the living doll, "Uh... im-"

"I know who you are!!" She floated infront of you now

"And we like you!"

Donna was quiet, not surprisingly, but you reached out for her

She gently took your hand in her's

"Donna. Tell me whats going on. Please."

Donna nodded, quietly starting to explain.

The gifts from Mother Miranda, the plants, the pollen and finally Angie

You looked at the floating doll, who was nodding her head along, with Donna's words

Then finally, you pulled Donna closer to your side

"You don't ever have to hide things from me. I never had a problem with the other ways that you cope, Donna."

Your encouraging words sent the woman into tears of joy

She buried her face in your chest

You smiled at Angie, who patted you on the forehead

Karl Heisenberg

You sat in the smaller, (safer) part of his factory

It was a part he had built to keep you safe

From what?

You had asked Karl several times, on different occasions, what was he building

"Its none of your concern." He waved a hand dismissively, "Whats for dinner?"

You always had huffed out whatever meal you made for the pair of you

Karl was always one of three places: meeting his "family", in the factory, or right next to you

The "family" was always thrown into air quotes

You knew he disliked his "family"

He announced his leaving out again, not telling you where

But leaving nonetheless, as usual you waved him off

But today was different, you WERE going to see what the hell was in that factory

Not paying attention to the warnings he gave you, you made your way down

Once at an elevator, you pressed the button

It came up and you were met with a large, large portly man

"Why if it isn't Heisenberg's little kitten."

Shocked you jumped back a bit, but then inched your way inside

"Its alright. I mean you no harm. Come, come."

You stood next to him, "Uh... who are you?"

"You may call me The Duke." He hummed, "But what are you doing here? Don't you know it's dangerous to play here?"

You lifted your chin, "I can handle myself. Thank you."

The Duke gave a small laugh, as you pulled the switch, but didn't speak again

Hitting the bottom floor, you disembarked, waving goodbye

You noticed a door and pushed through

Only to be met with a metal drill nearly splitting your face in two

With a strangled yelp, you lept backwards

"HOLY SHIT!!! WHAT THE HELL-"

"Who's in my damned- KITTEN!?"

You heard Heisenberg's voice above you and looked around frantic

"Karl! What-"

You didn't get to finish, the same monster came at you again

Dodging to the side, only barely missing getting drilled

Running in to the labyrinth, you were soon cornered

You shook with fear, hearing more monsters come after you

Closing your eyes, waiting for the blows to take you to the Great beyond

Your waiting was cut shirt hearing a series of clang's

You moved your hands and opened your eyes

Seeing Karl, standing in front of you shoving all the monsters back...

But he wasn't touching them....

"What... how-"

"Dont just sit on your ass, get up!" He barked, grabbing your arm and pulling you behind him

Once back in the safe zone, you slapped him, breathing heavily

He took it, it was a well deserved slap

"E-explain yourself!"

He sat heavily down, telling you everything.

The reason for the factory, the monsters in it, his powers, Miranda's plan, even pouring out his emotions about it all

You finally understood and took his hands in yours, kneeling down infront of him

"You idiot. All you had to do was talk to me. Not be a "big tough guy" about it."

You kissed his rough hands

And he chuckled at you

"Always understanding. Thanks Kitten."

[pinksnow]

HI THE DRAFT THAT DIDNT SAVE JUST NOW SUDDENLY APPEARED HOURS LATER??? ITS 10PM I WROTE THIS FIRST ONE AT 5PM HELP! WELL IM NOT DELETING IT I CANT ILL CRY SO HERES THE TIMELINE AGAIN NOT WRITTEN IN AGONY LIVE LAUGH LOVE X

abridged timeline of the au from yours truly (pink)

- gen 1 addisons with the birth of the internet lol

- mid gens appear eventually which is what spamton is

-nboth of these gens are are susceptible to code glitches causing them to become worms

- yeah computer worms specifically are corrupted addisons lol

- spamton had an originally friend group of a gen 1 pink addison and 2 mid gens, blue and yellow

- they all got wormed except for ogpink

- spamton is a shitty horrible way of coping befriended the addisons we know because hee hee they look like my dead friends

- ogpink is like. ok. this is the worst way to go about this. spamton does not care LOL

- btw hope you don't mind ships bc we are supergluing blue and spamton together since he was closest to spamton canonly and also im just a sucker

- so ^ mostly befriended them all because our blue looked like his ogblue which he was crushing on and like. oh my god dude. mf you are really using this person as a replacement

- after a year or so idk he starts seeing blue as blue, just himself, not ogblue

- asks ogpink for dating advice LOL

- woo blue mission accomplished everyone go home

- ((gestures)) not many notable things here they're just living their best life. blue and spamton go out on dates and slow dance thats important because i use those to create agony later

- yadda yadda gaster phone call whatever i dont need to explain this

- becomes increasingly distant to them all and blue

- not a good look bro

- eventually they cant contact spamton

- spamtom and blue tried to see eachother but. spamton cant get out of all the constant meetings and photoshoots and deals to sign

- everyone is now very pissed at spamton because blue is now being emo in his room while spamtons face is everywhere yet he cant even go see him

- my mans boyfriend basically ghosted him LOL

- not only pissed but theyre all very, upset too

- yellow goes around breaking billboards and posters and anything spamton related he can get his hands on hoping itll grab spamtons attention (it wont hes got employees to take care of little things like that lol. he isnt even aware of what yellows doing)

- orange is talking to the mannequin as if it was spamton himself. man. you need therapy

- blue you already know is moping in his room listening to fucking radiohead LOL

- pink. pink. pink pink pink pink. this is where shit gets good. my man. my dude. he decides that the best way to cope with this is obviously to go around and find werewires and virovirokuns and anyone else to fight in alleyways. he takes that freezering and he goes to town. its all downhill from here folks

- spamton eventually puts out a job for a personal assistant and does EVERYTHING he can to make sure its very hidden from the general public and tries so so so hard to get blue to pick up the spot because then theyll finally be together all the time again. fucks sake he prints the ad in the newspaper that goes round to their house but blue never sees it

- despite his best efforts he hears one day they chose the absolute best candidate for the job. he hopes to god its blue

- its not its thiis fucking green bitch named Novarg

- hates this man for a solid month bc it should be blue there not him

- anyways ((gestures)) whatever more time passes

- 2000 ILOVEYOU computer worm appears. which is ogpink. he got wormed. spamton is. well he is not doing very well after that

- did i mention spamton is wormed ((smiles))

- did you guys know the second worst worm in the world is called SOBIG i think thats funny anyways thats spamton lol

- gaster behind the scenes trying so fucking hard to make sure spamton doesnt completely lose it bc thatll fuck up EVERYTHING

- worms spread by infecting ppl which can be cured easily but the worms themselves cant be cured

- i say this bc what spamton is unknowingly doing is making people think theres nothing wrong. you see the slight puppet joints appearing on his hands and mouth and you dont even register it. they see spamton suddenly rise and get his hands on every product everywhere and dont register that only a worm could spread this fast. yes im making the puppet features a wormed thing i can do whatever i want

- blue and nova notice though. blue because well of course hes staring all those spamton images and also because you know damn well those two explores eachothers bodies. lol

- nova asks spamtom about the finger joints one day and spamtons like what joints and thats when nova realizes oh he doesnt even know himself im gonna stay quiet then

- ((gestures again)) gaster cuts off spamton in 2004. why 2004. because. because. thats when the mydoom virus appeared. also known as novarg, thats right bitches ((slaps knee))

- everything is suddenly falling apart and spamton has a huge breakdown and without gaster there doing his freaky shit my mans does start glitching the hell out like a worm

- nova tries to help calm him down anyways, gets infected, due to spamtons code being unbelievably fucked up it mutates/rewrites itself when it yoinked novarg and just made him a completely new worm. which happens to be the worst one in the world. you see what i did i made the worst one derive from the code of what was the worst at the time. lol

- you know some swatchlings saw this happen and were like. oh my god hes wormed.

- nova at this point has probably already gone crazy and is just doing his own thing, ykno, destroying stuff, as a worm does

- spamton gets his ass thrown in the acid as an attempt to kill him because worms are very dangerous very big deal

- yeah im making his reason for an acid bath this instead, listen this au is already off the rocks

- he is 🤏🤏 tiepnsy now. hes still wormed but hes just like a fucked up rat now LOL

- well now news is out that spamton is dead ((like hell theyre saying he was a worm))

- its assumed nova killed him

- well see now our beloved addisons are REALLY depressed

- orange is straight up acting like the mannequin IS spamton hes in. such heavy denial dear god

- yellow is still breaking stuff

- blue is just even sadder now lol

- pink. a heem heem whimper. folds my hands. he also believes nova killed him and hea dead set on getting back at him. he goes out of his way to find them. of course he doesn't recognize nova AS nova, no one does, its just the MYDOOM worm, but its easier to say nova LOL

- this is when pink first uses snowgrave. he is at his limit. he never ever wanted to use it but now is a great time. well. well that went pretty badly

- half the fight is him getting knocked around by nova because he has to get 200tp to cast it in the first place so hes just running around

- when he DOES though, good god

- thats it hes gone you are dealing with this white eyed freak now. nova only barely escapes with their life due to being a computer worm but he got so fucked up

- pink snaps out of it after the fight is over thankfully and is like what the fuck happened

- only gets worse from here he keeps blacking out and he never remembers anything and after a few years at some point the magic in the ring just kinda. goes in him. its not even the ring anymore. why? bc i said so lol

- after years it gets to a point where its noticable, like before he just kinda went around in alleyways but now whole streets are getting freezed and you just see frozen ppl everywhere and its like damn bro!

- this dude sets the city into a fucking artificial winter it happens so much. bro its not supposed to SNOW here what is going on

- obviously a lot of snow is made when using snowgrave but also just when hes using any attack now so you can just barely make out his silhouette, which leads to those who were able to run away before being spotted only seeing a humanoid outline

- which well. ykno. they assume its a human, a lighter, bc of that

- why would they ever guess its an addison, worms haven't been a problem for years now since only firsts and mids really got wormed, and a worm wouldn't be using ice magic, and addisons alone on their own obviously cant attack

- so like ((gestures)) yeah

- pink in the snowgrave state goes and finds spamton for the thornring bc he KNOWS he has it and getting that ring would make casting so much easier, bro it cuts tp cost in half

- spamton fights for his god damn life!

- also only barely makes it out bc worm

- blue is also out looking for pink

- finds spamton

- insert the image from the you have no idea ask

- found lost boyfriend, is wormed, is also small, is also half dead, says pink tried to kill him

- thats way too many crisises to deal with at once !!

- runion stuff idk he screams when pink walks thru the door lol

- they dont all really fully believe spamton until blues out one day during a particularly bad snow attack in a part of town bc he knows pink is out and it like. i gotta get this bitch home

- THEN he sees its actually pink. jawdrop. deer in headlights

- being in a life or death situation and being determined to not die makes his soul go ah time to wake up i guess heres a cursor thats a harpoon

- yeah addisons cant use magic unless theyre put in a situation that calls for it or they r really trying. like i mean they can create pop-ups and little cursors but not like full on magical shit like a god damn harpoon

- he does not know what hes doing he just throws them around to distract pink and fucking BOOK it

- some time passes this little routine starts where blue goes and spars with pink to keep him from targeting others

- they have not all yet told pink in fear of his reaction to himself and what hes done

- pink believes the lightner theory going around and theyre all like yep uhhuh so true pink

- im getting way too tired hunched over my phone writing this im wrapping it up my bones are killing me

- idk stuff happens spamton gets his ass in the neo suit and the addisons are there and hes beating their ass bc him in the neo suit is basically what he should've been like at full potential as a worm. hes so big. get it lol

- all the worms are actually hiding down in his broken down part of the city

- being away from society for years their infection code has like. just kinda shut off

- they're just kinda freaks now

- iloveyou jumps onto blues cart like hey man need some help

- seeing dangerous computer worm thought to be dead is obviously not going ovee very well with blue

- smth happens they fall down into the broken city and while yellow orange and pink are trying their damnest to stop spamton and get him to snap out of it and listen, blue is about ready to beat iloveyous ass as is he

- gets infected by iloveyou, his emotions are so overwhelming at the moment that its enough to keep the code telling him to go around and infect at bay

- now theres just a very angry and upset blue with hearts floating around him and a heart harpoon ready to beat ass

- mans powered up

- look at the first post of this blog lol

- idk eveyrhting is fine they all reunite

- spamton has some fucking.explaining to do and relationships to fix

- whatever idk thr worms help pink train and get his magic under control and spamton can go to neo at will

- worms code is still like dead so they don't have to worry anymore. if you ask about blue i mean the instinctive drive to infect is gone they can still do it though lol

- iloveyou gets a baggy hoodie to hide himself so he can go out in the public again and tag along w/ one of the addisons

- eventually is brave enough to go out on their own

- newer gen addisons notice little hearts under their hood and pulls it down. ogpinks freaking out but theyre all like omg how are you doing that is it like a new accessory

- anyways ogpink goes outside normally now without hiding. yeah theres still people who recognize them but everyone just stares at them if they make a scene like bro this is just our local heart guy chill out

- whatever whatever happy endings spamton makes up with everyone here you go thanks for coming

yes nova is there you dont think him and spamton didnt fuck over the desk at least once. also ogblue. lol.

[eccl3ctic0n3]

This Is My Personal Testimony of How God Found Me When I Was Lost.

I Am A Witness and My Testimony is of Jesus Christ the living Word of God

What you FEEL and what you THINK are valid and extremely powerful as these are the things you BELIEVE to be TRUTH thus this is your REALITY!

This is your belief system. Unless you suffer from mental illness therapy and counseling can be very helpful. Just talking about it and getting it off your chest is therapeutic in itself. No matter if it is a friend or a therapists getting things out instead of bottling them up and holding them in is great relief.

I was diagnosed bipolar type I when I was 23 years old. I am 41 now and it has only been in the last 5 years that I have been able to overcome, heal, grow, and experience breakthrough.

Traumatic experiences such as verbal, mental, emotional, physical, or sexual abuse to losing a loved one or friend has a lifelong affect. Therapy and medicine are just tools to help you and give you the skills, knowledge, and some understanding, so you can cope and learn how to manage with the pain and symptoms that remain.

I don't know who needs to hear this but I am telling you from 18 years of personal experience. Actually, 41 years as its only been 18 since I began treatment. Where doctors and medicine failed me for 13 years God did not fail me. I got lab ratted on all that time with powerful psychiatric medications. I spiraled out of control and my behavior landed me in the psychiatric ward of prison in the infirmary. 10 weeks I was locked in solitary confinement on 24 hour lock. I was deemed incompetent and unfit to stand trial. I was looking at two F1 Felonies with sentences from 5-99 years each. For 10 weeks I literally lost my mind and was experiencing full blown psychosis. It was in an instant that God found me and restored me to sanity. I did not find God. He found me.

I was lost and could not tell the difference between my dreams and reality. I slept in 15 minute intervals. In one dream I dreamt that I murdered my two children. I bashed my daughters head into the wall. My reality was this place I was in where no other person is visible was like a purgatory and I was awaiting my judgment to be thrown into hell.

I was on my knees in my boxers bleeding from my head and knuckles. I was head butting and punching the walls. As I was on my knees I was singing, ''My Girl, My Girl, Talkin Bout, My Girl." I was only thinking of my daughter and that I was never going to see her again.

The guy in a cell next to me screamed, " Shut the fuck up!" I just screamed back and told him to come on over and shut me up. What was he going to do we are in solitary confinement. 😅

I lost track of time and I was still singing and I began to cry out to God. Literally bawling and begging I screamed for God to help me. Don't you know the guy who cursed me came to my door and asked me to call his momma for him to bail him out. I laughed and said ain't you the same mother fucker who told me to shut up? Before he answered I just said whatever! Just write the number on a piece of paper and slide it under my door and I will get to it.

Mind you that for those 10 weeks I could not even read or use the telephone because I just didn't know how. The hands on the clock just spun round and round. Still on my knees sobbing I noticed the piece of paper slide under my door. I forgot all about it and I couldn't read or use a phone anyway. But I looked closer and I seen the red writing. This guy tore the last page of his bible out to write the number on. The red writing just caught my eyes and the first thing I seen was this. Revelations 22:16 I Jesus, have sent My angel to you to testify in the churches. I am the Root and Offspring of David, the Bright and Morning Star. As fast as you could snap your fingers I realized that I could read first of all. I then noticed I felt completely normal. I was just wondering wtf am I doing in my boxers bleeding on this floor? 😅 I got up took a shower and cleaned up. The guard came by and stopped giving me a strange look and asked if I was ok. I just said Im fine Im waiting on lunch its almost noon. I could read the time cause the hands stopped spinning.

Finally I got to use the phone and I called home and asked how long I was there. I said 2 weeks? My mom said you been there almost 3 months. I did 6 months and got both charges dropped down to a misdemeanor and 4 years probation. 2 years was deferred. I literally signed out of jail on a PR Bond. No fines, fees, or court costs at all.

That was 5 years ago in October. I never could forget or deny what happened. I knew immediately what the verse meant and what I was told to do. So I have done it this entire time everyday almost on social media.

I had never read a bible before and I was far away from God. I was really on the fence about the whole Jesus thing. What I know now and I knew at that moment was this. Jesus is God! He is the Father, the Son of God, and the Holy Spirit is the Spirit of God and of Christ. There is only one. Omnipotent, omniscient, omnipresent, and Sovereign Lord over all of creation.

I believe the words of the verse exactly for what they said. He sent an angel to me which is a ministering spirit and a messenger. I got the message loud and clear. So I do exactly as He has told me to.

It has been 5 years and I have not even had a cold. My doctor is weaning me off medications. It was by no means an easy 5 years at all. I suffered with overcoming addiction and the mental illness symptoms I was and still am learning to cope and manage.

There is one thing I learned in addition to all these things since then in talk therapy. I was raised by two narcissistic, one mentally ill, and completely abusive except sexually.

After all those years and all those medications and numerous doctors did not do for me what the Great Physician did in a moment of time.

Don't get me wrong. God has revealed to me that He has gifted these doctors, nurses, therapists, and the scientists or chemists that make these medications. Give or take these crooked sons of bitches.

Just know that God is Hope. Faith or Belief and any good thing at all about man is of God. He is Love. How is Jesus God? All things are possible with God. Just trust Him. Don't worry or be afraid. He has commanded us to be strong and courageous for He is with us wherever we go. He will never leave us or forsake us. He is faithful to keep His word. If He said it. He meant it. It is the Truth. Jesus said His words are Spirit and Truth. These words are Life and Jesus is the Way. The one and only true living God is the living Word of God. He was manifest in the flesh. The holy bible has been tampered with by man and today even more with hundreds of versions. However, man is foolish to think he could ever stop the Power of the Spirit and Truth that is the Word of God Jesus Christ.

Is the Father the Son or the Spirit? Is He 3 in one or one in 3? Don't split hairs with vain debates and argumentative subjects that no man can answer. There are simply things of God that man will never understand. Our finite minds cannot imagine, fathom, dream, or even comprehend the great things of God. He just said don't trip. I got this. Be still and know. Trust Me and Believe In Me. Have Faith! Never give up Hope. Without Hope this Life has no purpose and we have meaning at all. There is just certain death. Then we are worm food.

If it is all just a big story and we die only to find out that's it just black and nothing then fine with me. If we die and it is true and we chose not to simply believe and have the faith the size of a mustard seed. We'd be cursing ourselves not God from hell forever. We would know He was right and we have no defense or a word to say before the righteous Judge.

Life and death. Facts. Choose life or death. It is the most logical, reasonable, sane, and simple choice for anyone in their right mind. So anyone who says its blind faith and completely disregards facts, logic, or reason. You know just as God says. He has used the foolishness of this world for His wisdom. He makes those who are wise in their own eyes, puffed up with pride, and too stubborn or hard hearted to simply admit they do not know. Men fear what they do not know. Rightfully so. You should fear God. Both revere and be a very afraid of the One that can take your life and cast your soul into hell. He gives and takes away. Simple as that.

So remember no matter what the situation or circumstances shit is just temporary. All good things must come to an end. As do the bad. So suck it up, be strong and courageous. Has He not commanded us? He is with you wherever and nothing can separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus.

To anyone suffering right now I am by no means minimizing your pain. I feel you 1000% You don't have to believe a word from me. Just know there is someone who is always with you and you are not helpless or alone. You may be weak and in complete darkness that seems like hell. God is light in the darkness. He has the keys to death and hell. So weather life or death, heaven or hell. You gotta trust and believe in Jesus. If not it is your own doing. Most of our problems are self inflicted we bring em on ourselves.

This may be the hardest part for me to tell someone in depression just dwelling and can't let go. Do you know what depression is. It is YOUR THOUGHTS and YOUR FEELINGS. It is therefore YOUR BELIEF and thus YOUR REALITY!

This is self-centeredness. Depression for a while that is justified is one thing. Wallowing in SELF-PITY with the attitude WOE IS ME. MY LIFE SUCKS and nobody understands or knows what I I I am going through. No one could possibly relate to YOUR SUPERIOR PROBLEMS! GET OUT OF YOURSELF for a while. Have an attitude of gratitude. You are alive and if you can feel emotions and you woke up today then you KNOW that you are alive. LIFE is a gift from of GOD. He so loved all of us that He GAVE HIS LIFE so that anyone who BELIEVES in HIM Should Not Perish...SHOULD NOT! But HAVE RIGHT NOW AS IN THIS PRESENT MOMENT. EVERLASTING LIFE. God gave us HOPE of ETERNAL LIFE the FREE GIFT of SALVATION is the LORD OUR GOD JESUS CHRIST the ONLY BEGOTTEN of the EVERLASTING FATHER the King of Israel is the Holy One (Christ) or Anointed (Messiah) our SAVIOR and REDEEMER. Not by might nor by power but by that Holy Spirit of PROMISE which is the PLEDGE of our inheritance.

The only reason one would die when God gave us His Life so that anyone whomsoever at all Believes. The Way is the Truth and He has become our Salvation. He is the very HOPE, FAITH, and LOVE that abides forever. LOVE being the greatest. No one SHOULD die. It is a choice!!! Just like you choose to wake up and be grateful saying Thank You God. Bless you Lord Jesus for the Spirit translated "Breath or Air" of Life and the LIGHT we all see and we have heard the word of God preached and proclaimed to us all. So no one has an excuse to even say I Dont Believe! That is our free will and choice. Another gift from God. He wants you to choose Jesus and dont worry but be happy. Rejoice!! Make some noise!! God is good all the time. All the time God is good. We all have a reason for the very BREATH of LIFE that was blown into Adam's nostrils and he became a living soul. Adam just means man. Human. In His image and likeness. Male and female created He them. If you believe in Jesus and the Good News aka Gospel of the Kingdom and Eternal Life you have every reason on every Day the Lord has made to be grateful and choose to be happy. The Eternal One is the Alpha and Omega. The Ancient of Days is the First and the Last. The Almighty. Beginning and End. Genesis to Revelation. Death and Life He gives and takes away.

I pray you don't waste another moment having a pity party if you don't have an actual reason to be stuck feeling sad for an excessive period of time. It is selfish. Ungrateful.

Your THOUGHTS and FEELINGS are powerful. They are YOURS though. You and you alone have a God given free gift of grace to Think for yourself and Regulate or Control Your Feelings and Emotions. It takes time and it's a process of growing up and becoming a man or woman. He has not given us a spirit of fear, but of POWER, LOVE, AND A SOUND MIND. SELF DISCIPLINE your MIND. We have the MIND of Christ. The Spirit of God and of Christ. The Kingdom of heaven is within. God the Father, the Lord Jesus Christ, and the Holy Spirit is all within. What does it say? The Word is near to you, in your heart, even in your mouth.

It is Finished!

Revelation 22:16 21st Century King James Version (KJ21)

16 “I, Jesus, have sent Mine angel to testify unto you these things in the churches. I am the Root and the Offspring of David, and the Bright and Morning Star.”

Isaiah 44:6-8 21st Century King James Version (KJ21)

6 “Thus saith the Lord, the King of Israel, and his Redeemer, the Lord of hosts: I am the First, and I am the Last, and besides Me there is no God.

7 And who, as I, shall call and shall declare it, and set it in order for Me, since I appointed the ancient people? And the things that are coming and shall come, let them show unto them.

8 Fear ye not, neither be afraid. Have not I told thee from that time and have declared it? Ye are even My witnesses. Is there a God besides Me? Yea, there is no God. I know not any.”

[fairycosmos]

TRIGGER WARNING : I know you're not a psychiatrist tbh I just need to vent and I really like you so yea, I've come to the conclusion that I am what everyone thought I was which is a lazy little bitch using depression and suicidal thoughts as an excuse to be lazy I use to feel guilty but idc anymore it just shows there's no hope for me at all the only problem is I don't have the guts to shoot myself in the head and it's the last option I have Im sorry I just don't know who to turn to

hey dude. i’m sorry to hear you’re hurting so much right now. i know it’s a complex and personal issue that words alone can’t solve, but i still hope you’re open to some comfort, some alternative narratives to center your thoughts around. and idk just a few words from someone who can understand to an extent....i think first and foremost it’s a good idea to ask yourself, when you’re in the right state of mind to, where all of this self loathing is actually coming from. whether it’s grounded in anything substantial. it’s important to remember that a massive part of depression is feeling like you’re faking, over-exaggerating, using it as an excuse etc. i’ve heard a lot of people with mental illness echo the same sentiment. and the fact that you feel this way, so violently negatively towards yourself, indicates that you ARE struggling with a much deeper problem. but we’re taught to overlook it and to blame ourselves, partially due to society’s attitude regarding mental illness. in short we’re conditioned to feel like we’re lazy and worthless if we can’t produce labor and profit, or if something prevents us from doing so, but that’s merely a capitalist myth. those around you have internalized its message and are now projecting it onto you. but now that you recognize that fact, you can begin dismantling that belief system in your own head. cause in actuality, it’s got nothing to do with you or your value as a person. it’s the system that’s the issue, and the way it sees human life as nothing more than a means to an end, when people are so much more than that. you are so much more than that. you’re not here to constantly please everyone or to be some emotionless machine. so anyone who was judging you by that standard is fkn deluded and their opinion doesn’t hold much weight to begin with. then there’s also the stigma surrounding depression itself. people who’ve never experienced it don’t get how debilitating it is to live with. how it doesn’t just prevent people from working, how it prevents people from progressing in all areas of their lives when it’s left unacknowledged. which is why the answer isn’t to hurt yourself, it’s to admit to what hurts. this isn’t a matter of personal failure, or of laziness. it’s an illness, something that needs to be confronted head on with time, treatment, and self help in order to move beyond it. it’s just as serious as any physical ailment, but you don’t have to beg anyone to understand that.  you’re going through so much just by getting through the day and the fact that you’re still here counts for so much. i promise, you are not your negative thoughts. your mind is just trying to get you to stay in the cycle of self hatred > self destruction > self hatred so that you feel more discouraged and less likely to seek the support you need, even though that could be the one thing that would break the repetitive pattern. idk who made you believe that you are this bad and unforgivable person but i hope you know that it is genuinely, truly possible to grow beyond that way of thinking. it may take time, and it may feel unreachable right now, but change is honestly constant especially if you seek it out. the way you see yourself in five years will not mirror the way you see yourself now, you know? this is all a process and as long as you’re getting through it, you’re doing so much better than you realize. 

it’s ok to recognize all of that and to still feel like shit, to still feel like giving up sometimes. sadness, anger, pain - they’re exhausting and terrifying, but you don’t have to push those emotions away. though they don’t have to control all of your actions either. because they’re never as permanent as they feel. part of being suicidal is thinking in a black and white fashion, where everything has to be all or nothing. but it doesn’t. there’s a lot of nuance and a lot of different choices you can make, if you just breathe and keep yourself in a safe environment above all else. like i said, you’re living with an illness and bad days are a natural part of that. but having the tools to be able to cope with them in a healthy way could make all the difference. and that IS an option for you, even if you can’t see it right now. are you currently seeing a mental health professional? if not, i’d really really suggest looking into that before you make any permanent and heavy handed decisions about whether or not it’s worth it to stay alive. seriously, even if you’re unable to see a therapist at the moment - there are depression/suicide hotlines you can call who can help you with the next step, there may be support groups in your area, your doctor may be able to refer you to a counselor. you are capable of reaching out, as proven with this message, which is a really good sign. and building routines around personal self help and finding what works for you would be a step in the right direction, too. there is so much that can be done in terms of identifying what you feel the way you feel, relearning how to treat yourself, developing a support network over a period of time, opening up to make room to heal - it’s possible. i promise it is. it’s possible to live a full, stable life that you’re proud of despite having depression. if you have any trusted loved ones, now may also be a good time to talk to them about whats going on. i’m sure they want to have the chance to be there for you, and it’s alright to lean on them when you need it. you’re clearly in a very emotional state right now so i don’t blame you if you can’t bring yourself to believe me, but i hope it’s an idea you can keep revisiting. because really what my main point is, is that you deserve to stay alive regardless the fact that you’re dealing with a mental illness. i don’t want to sound cliche but it’s true that nothing would be the same without you, that you’re here for a reason (which you fulfill every day, just by being who you are) and that your presence is far more precious than you know. i’m sorry you were made to feel any different. you get this one life and i would really hate to see you do something you could regret over situations and feelings that can be helped. you are not beyond hope, you are not a lost cause. especially if you live your life as if you’re not. you still exist and that means there are a million different ways things could turn out, the future is ever changing. the present is all you need to worry about. it’s just another symptom of depression to catastrophize and picture everything ending in the worst case scenario, which is something that can also be helped with therapy/practicing mindfulness. anyway, i’m aware that this is getting super long and i’m going to leave some links that may be of some use to you in terms of follow up support, but i’m really begging you. no matter how awful you feel tonight, just allow yourself to breathe through it. cry through it. call someone if it all feels like too much. keep yourself away from anything you could use to harm yourself with. and then wake up tomorrow knowing you have the chance to try again, knowing that that is a good thing, knowing that this moment is not what your whole existence is going to look like. please, please call someone if you think you’re a danger to yourself. even if you have to pick up the phone on autopilot. you mean so much. im sending you a lot of love and hoping you find the self appreciation you deserve. if you ever need a friend please feel free to message me. you’re not on this alone.

https://faq.whatsapp.com/general/security-and-privacy/global-suicide-hotline-resources/

https://www.helpguide.org/articles/depression/coping-with-depression.htm

https://www.mentalhealth.org.nz/get-help/a-z/resource/50/suicide-coping-with-suicidal-thoughts

https://medium.com/@sameoldzen/finding-intrinsic-self-worth-in-a-capitalist-system-7069be072b5b

https://serenitymentalhealthcenters.com/31-coping-skills-for-depression/

[thefeckisthis]

hello darkness my old friend.

well im not quite sure why this title nor what exactly am i going to write about, i just had the need to write. ever had that feeling? no? oh. ok.

its been a while since last post, many things had happened, fun, annoying,stressful, interesting and so on and some may expect sassy posts like first two and thats not going to happen with in this one, sorry not sorry.  ive been feeling the need to write about anxiety, not entirely sure why, just a feeling in me telling me to do so so lets see where it goes.

apologies for spelling mistakes because in these  last couple of sentences ive had so many red lines that makes me think can i even spell -_- (hello brain, you there?)  confidence is a tricky things. you are not born with it, you have to build it up. god knows i had no confidence before and i still struggle with it sometimes, especially with my anxiety - sometimes it can affect it really bad. when anxiety, i want to talk about because i think these kind of things should be talked about.

my anxiety levels are still not alarming but they are at that level when it can definitely affect my daily life, especially on bad days. ive definitely learned how to cope with it, sometimes it cant be helped. i definitely suffer from GAD (general anxiety disorder https://adaa.org/understanding-anxiety/generalized-anxiety-disorder-gad) with medium to high social anxiety - https://adaa.org/understanding-anxiety/social-anxiety-disorder (which many people don’t believe heh) and ive discovered some unusual phobias that I have also count as anxiety issues (trypophobia,  Emetophobia, fear of knives are some of mine examples) so it can  vary from person to person.

(imagine having all those on almost daily basis, yaaay)

i know, lots of people will say ah everyone is tense and stressed, we all must have anxiety. no, just dont. its not the same. occasional stress is normal, anxiety is completely different. its not easy to be in constant worry phase, being triggered by small things (coffee can easily trigger mini panic attacks, been there done that), small inconveniences, theres so much to it.

another awful part of it is overthinking. that is what used to kill me and mess up relationships i had with people. one small  thing can set you back so much. as ive mentioned, some people learn how to deal with it and some people seek for help, and both of those things are amazing. letting it affect you is not amazing.

talk to someone, youre not alone.

i always tell people to not be afraid to talk to me about their problems, because i do know how it is, i do understand. i had some people who dont understand as much as they think they do and when id open up to them they would say just stop worrying, its ok.

uuuhm like no. thats the whole point. my brain cant stop worrying. thanks for letting me on deepest secrets of the world, appreciated. high chances are that we do actually know that but its sometimes impossible to stop worrying. if i could do that so easily i wouldnt be suffering from anxiety, right? 

do i have panic attack? yes i do. had more before, now it got down to 2-3 in 6 months, so thats around 6 a year. last year i had full blown panic attack, worst that i ever had, my whole body just shut down and i was crying for full on 45mins, not being able to breathe, talk or move. sounds fun, eh?  and lets go back to social anxiety, as ive said people say that i dont seem like an introvert or that i have any struggles with that.

i do tho. i just dont let it be stronger than me. my head and my body in social situations can be in full panic mode but ill be there sitting with smile on my face. there were social gatherings or parties where i would end up sitting on my own, trying to fight tears and the emotions in me would be bubbling and getting worse and my common sense would be trying to fight them, thats why i end up sitting in corner like a weirdo. meting new people? socializing? that doesnt sound fun for me at all, i usually just avoid situations like that. i will talk most of the time and joke and its just because my common sense is trying to fight anxiety while at the same time my anxiety is trying to take over.  i wish i can explain what is going on in my head. 

if you invite me to go somewhere with you, dont leave me. please. thank you.

it has also affected my job, if i get a task im not sure what to do, or im told to just amend something, i just wish to get up and leave until my head gets clear. ive noticed small things i tend to do when i feel that anxiety is getting higher than i want it to be, eg ill start picking at my nails, ill bite my lip till it hurts, just shut down and stare blankly, taking deep breaths, shaking my hands to stop them from shaking (weirdly i think itll shake off my stress), do weird stuff with my hands, or all combined. rare people noticed all the things and actually knew when i was starting to get my anxiety attacks and they were really helpful.

how to help someone if you see them starting to have anxiety attack?

people deal with anxiety different ways, dont just assume one thing will help everyone. - for example hug wont make me calm, im not a fan of human touch in general and hugging me when im having an attack will only make me more stressed and more triggered and itll make everything worse. - dont force the person to talk about it, rather just ask them if they want to talk about it, if they dont, please dont leave them, just sit there in silence that means a world. -if they do want to talk about it, never, and i repeat never say dont worry its nothing or just stop worrying and think happy thoughts. 

- talk with them about it, or let them talk. ask what is the issue, why does it make them feel that way, just try to find solution slowly. - if a person starts crying, let them cry. crying is amazing way to release the tension and it will help the person to feel more at ease - if you do notice early signs of anxiety attack, change the environment, divert the person, make them think of something different

- dont make the person walk or do something they dont want to, it will cause things to go worse, personally ill probably just sit and curl up and cry my eyes out but for the love of god dont touch me or make me walk, my body is just not able and its causing more stress

- after the attack calms down, let person go on with their life, dont talk about it straight after. let them fully calm down. some people (most cases me) will be ‘normal’ after the episode (after my big one i straight away started joking how disgustingly runny my nose was from crying)  and some people will take a bit longer

We are all different in handling the situations. Anxiety like every other disorder is not easy and it has to be taken seriously. If you have it, if you know someone who has it, please talk to those people. Be supportive. Dont make them feel like there is something wrong with them. Small conversation and an ear to listen can go a long way.

be a friend and be a human.

[menalez]

how did you parse the difference between true attraction to men and comp het? i’ve identified as bi for a long while and even dated men, but i feel like the more i look at it, it was just comp het and coping with trauma by being hypersexual rather than true attraction. i know you’ve mentioned vaguely similar issues before, so how did you figure it out?

the first hint for me was being so attracted to a girl in my school that i felt almost confused by it, like What is this feeling??? what does it mean?? and after talking to my then-boyfriend, i realised it was attraction (thanks to him. he’s the one who said “now you can understand how i feel about you” when i told him about it). i remember back when i was questioning whether im a lesbian, id obsessively take sexuality tests over and over again. i followed the “compulsory heterosexuality” and “comphet” tag on tumblr and would read the experiences of other women who’ve experienced similar. id think through my history with men, and compare my “attraction” to them to my attraction to women. id ask myself: WHY do i think im attracted to men? what are signs of me being attracted to men? and as i broke it down i realised i did not find male bodies attractive nor appealing whatsoever nor have i ever, i realised that i actually grew up confused by people’s interest in male bodies, that all my sexual encounters with men were traumatic and unenjoyable to me regardless of what they did, that the only times i enjoyed partaking in sexual activities with men was when id close my eyes and fantasise that the person between my legs was a woman, that i hardly found men physically attractive & at most could appreciate it in the rare cases that i found a man who’s Very good looking (but even then it never translated to attraction, it was moreso “wow, he looks so good! how does he do it?”), i noticed just how different my attraction to women was in comparison, i realised that i felt so much shame & disgust over any interaction i had with men even tho i had no reason to feel that way, i could never imagine a future with any men that was a happy one. like it was always such a depressing idea of the future and such a hopeless one too & i didn’t understand Why that was back then, my attraction to men was almost a choice like “ok... he likes me. ill like him then” or “he seems good looking. ok i have a crush on him now” but it was never natural or automatic the way it was for women, id find features relating to males nauseating or unattractive (their chests, the way their body hair looks, their frame, their voices, their genitals, their hips, their facial hair, etc), and i also noticed that men did not cause me to feel any arousal nor any kind of romantic feelings. i thought about my entire life & everyone ive been attracted to, comparing it to what i knew was genuine attraction (my attraction to girls & women throughout my life) to the attraction i was unsure of. i came to realise most men i “liked” were ones i “liked” bc i actually liked their girlfriends or the women they’re interested in, what i perceived as jealousy of the other women was actually jealousy of the men. i noticed that most men i “liked”, i spent far more time thinking of the women somehow involved with them, than the men themselves. what i thought were “butterflies” bc of some sort of attraction to men were actually just discomfort and anxiety. a lot of it, i realised, was just me trying to feel normal among my (girl) friends who were quite into boys.

but honestly the real way i became sure of it was when i took someone’s advice on tumblr stating that i should sleep w men and focus on how i feel and whether im enjoying the sexual situation or not. it said something like “centre yourself and allow yourself to experience it fully”. for once, i had sex with a man without allowing myself to dissociate or fantasise about someone else. it was horrible & torturous and i distinctly remember crying afterwards and just wanting it to end so badly throughout, it felt similar to my rape almost and i wouldn’t recommend for anyone questioning that they may be a lesbian to go through such lengths. but by the time i did it, i knew that i was a lesbian and am in no way, shape, or form interested in men. i don’t think it was worth it bc i would’ve figured it out at some point anyways without essentially retraumatising myself.

[magalamantle]

SO THIS IS... a really long post of a bigass ask meme, all the answers, about a fallout oc!!! ummm for warnings. #violence #alcohol #alcoholism #drug abuse ?

IM LIKE INFINITELY SORRY if this is just long, and the whole dash, on like, mobile or anything, i got carried away and had a lot of fun with it um,,,,

OK SO TO START OUT a quick summary of this character: marion tremblay, 26 years old, they/them pronouns, a courier six (but i might write them into a non-six role idk) with Sight Gone Wrong. imagine savestates, but the character only experiences the "canonical" ie last save. so they go from neutral to knowing exactly how to process a situation, but it causes a LOT of stress on them, including an incredibly distinctive negative feeling when a "save" occurs and nightmares depicting all the plays gone wrong. in addition, the successful path isnt always harmless, and often leads to heavy injury - just not death. not to mention the fact that the successful path doesnt always help people theyre trying to help, just them.

http://www.hairfinder.com/hairstyles5/carpy-hairstyle7.htm

http://www.hairfinder.com/hairstyles6/hairstyle-carpy12.htm

marion is incredibly stressed and doesnt get it, runs into danger and knows exactly what to do, doesnt know why, doesnt understand how it all adds together, and doesnt understand to maybe take it a little slower. then again, when they try to chill out and live normally the nightmares just get worse and worse. so basically they self medicate to dull the dreams a bit and it just makes everything even more stressful.

theyre a courier/jack of all trades/mercenary type that uses a recharger pistol, and has no self of self preservation. is struggling, indulges often, and is impossibly easy to charm. does things for the fuck of it, anxious, hesitantly affectionate, eventually very protective and supportive, childish and constantly tired lol.

anyway heres the questions!!!

Which Fallout game are they from? new vegas :Y

Which faction(s) did they join and which did they destroy? Why? they end up joining the ncr - they have plans and intentions to go for a free vegas, but realize eventually that the ncr is probably a lot closer to a safe vegas than they were before. kind of insists that the people get a say in things.

DOES have enough time to basically fuss with all the families on the strip and various societies - basically destroys the omertas, takes a long time and a lot of trauma to fix the situation of the white glove society, keeps house alive but out of power which basically really fucks marion up for a long long time, they then spend a million years slowly working their way into the brotherhood of steel to try to get them to kind of... not be involved anymore, same with the khans

they dooooo clear out vault 3 entirely though

What is their S.P.E.C.I.A.L.? str 4; per 8; end 5; cha 4; int 7; agi 3; luk 9. peep that luck bro

Give us a summary of their backstory. OK SO... marion was part of a pretty biggish family closer up north, just kind of, they did business and were vaguely well off. they were always pretty pretentious and loved reading books n shit, tinkering with tech, so their parents were v happy with it. then around the age of thirteen their sight started kicking in, which manifested itself at first as just like a really heavy uneasy feeling whenever something was about to happen, and later kind of... worked itself into what it is now. anyway, they didnt cope very well with it and ended up fucking up a lot of relationships and things when they booked it at about seventeen.

at which point they kind of became a jack of all trades, constantly travelling, settling generally in the mojave. courier mostly at first, then eventually also a mercenary when the business started booming. they constantly had like, at least a couple dozen things going on, so occasionally they would forget a job or two. but considering their sight, they more or less had the ability to go into places that literally no one else could and come out bruised and bloodied but alive. so generally? business was good.

they did a lot of putzing around the strip, helped the followers a bit, etc. just generally has a little bit of history in most parts of the mojave.

after they got shot they forgot some... importantish things, but anyway they eventually fucked off, got ed-e, wandered around, rescued raul+visited him until they eventually just invited him along.

What’s their full name and does it have a meaning? Do they have any nicknames and how did they get em? marion tremblay - a quebecois name basically, uh pretty much their family line came from canada pre annex and were bitter about it.

What’s their sexual, romantic, and gender orientation? Do they feel comfortable telling other people? theyre nonbinary, just kind of, everythings a mess. nothing is definite. they have bigger stuff going on lol. just accepts whatever theyre labelled, but will explain if pressed

Do they have any mental illnesses? How do they cope? uhhh technically they have... some sort of flashbacks, from their sight, that gives them really horrible nightmares. they definitely self medicate its pretty bad. of course they dont really associate their habit of running into danger with their anxiety and attacks and shit, so they basically end up dissociating and confused most of the time, and figure thats just the way it is. and drink. gestures

Do they have any medical conditions? Is medicine/ treatment available for them? nah marions got nothing. theyre surprisingly physically healthy considering the fact that theyre basically useless physically

How much do they care about their outer appearance? What’s their “beauty routine”? How often do they shower/ bathe? they care just as little about bathing as most people in the mojave, but appreciate the ability to wash their hair - comb it pretty regularily. it gets really bad and knotted if they dont

What do they fear the most? their shitty vision failing to manage to do anything for people they love. its done it before

They’re biggest flaw? Do they recognize it as a flaw? their total lack of self-preservation and knowledge of self. like theyll do unhealthy stuff and get totally confused why they feel like shit, dont understand that running into things carelessly is what is making them constantly anxious and depressed, and they think that their inability to talk to people is what is fucking things up

What are they most insecure about? they pretty much lack any insecurity. they know theyre pretty bad at talking to people, but theyre not so much nervous about it as just dont really like doing it

What Wasteland threat do they fear the most? (ex. Deathclaws, super mutants, raiders) most bugs actually. since their sight kind of just keeps them from dying, it usually keeps them from dealing with deathclaws at all - but hanging around cazadores and getting poisoned just kind of means downing so many bottles of water and antivenoms, and it fucking Hurts. plus they just find the way they move really really disgusting lol

What’s their zodiac sign or which one do you think they relate to the most? What are their placements (if you know them)? (ex. Aries sun, Taurus moon, Aquarius Venus) mnmnnmn pisces sun. taurus moon. 

What’s their Myers–Briggs Type? (ex. ENTP, ISFJ) infp lol

What Harry Potter house would they be in? (ex. Gryffindor, Ravenclaw) gonna say hufflepuff because theyre a big softie when it comes to people they actually do like

Which Pokemon Go team would they choose? (ex. Instinct, Valor, Mystic) uh probably instinct? i think thats the yellow one right? 

Out of the nine forms of intelligence (rhythmic, spatial, linguistic, mathematical, kinesthetic, interpersonal, intrapersonal, naturalistic, and existential) which one(s) are they really good at and which one(s) is(are) their weakest? theyre really good with math and rhythm - not quite as good with interpersonal stuff, or intra for that matter. they dont know shit about themself lol. theyre really good at science stuff in general, though - comes from fiddling with that sort of shit

What natural alignment are they? (ex. Lawful Good, Chaotic Evil)

im not too good at pinning down characters, but honestly somewhere between chaotic good and true neutral. will help people, sure, for a price - or if they seem really really desperate. dislikes copious rules but wont go out of way to topple rules so long as they seem more or less fair

Do they have any hobbies? What are they?

they play harmonica! they like to think up songs, make harmonies to the songs on the radio. when they were little they liked to fuss with math puzzles and science shit but lost a lot of the focus as their sight got stronger, stopped being able to sit still long enough to really work on stuff. they like to fuss with ed-e sometimes lol. upgrades n stuff. polishin him

Do they have a favorite holiday? How do they celebrate it? when marion was more into consistent courier-ing, they liked pretty much any holiday that people sent gifts to each other. good for business, it was nice to see people so happy, PLUS people always tipped really well and gave them free food n stuff out of thankfulness.

What’s their favorite season? autumn, mostly - most fair weather. loves the winter when theres no storms or anything - nice to wear lots of layers of clothing and have it be appropriate.

Do they have a temper or are they level headed? pretty level headed, but when they lose their temper they sound kind of ridiculous because their voice gets really high and they??? talk like???? this?????? and theres a lot of gesturing.

they dont really so much lose their temper when they go into combat situations simply because they tend to go from zero to everyones dead, pew pew pew. it does happen sometimes in really tough, long situations, but as it turns out being angry doesnt really make your laser pistol shoot any better or harder Do they express their emotions freely or hide their true feelings? theyre so un-in-tune with their own feelings that they tend to not understand why or what theyre feeling. so its not so much hiding as like ????!??!!?!?!?!?

Are they a leader or a follower?

a leader out of necessity.

How do they come off to others? What first impression do they usually make? creepy. first impression is generally that theyre very businesslike, probably too frail to complete a job. “whys this person being so nice when they look like they want to eat me”

Do they prefer to travel alone or with company? Who have they traveled with if any? Current companion if any? they basically never travelled with a companion until recently. started traveling with ed-e, basically just because he makes sounds when things are happening, eventually found raul and after a good couple times of going back to him to get their laser pistol fixed just kind of invited him to come along. didnt realize he wouldnt be able to fix their pistol on the way lol

Would you describe them as selfless or selfish? Does it depend on the situation? they have the ability to be pretty selfless for the most part since theyre pretty well off from all the work they did before getting shot in the head. on the other hand, theyre not really used to hanging out with other people so theyre kind of selfish when it comes to food n stuff, at least until they got sassed enough for it

What do they find most attractive in others? Name at least one psychological and physical trait. (doesn’t have to be romantic attraction) they usually like people with silver tongues and wide shoulders

Do they flirt often? How easily do they fall in love? they basically do not flirt. they dont register flirting, either. its pretty easy to charm them, but marion is not... a charming person

What’s their love life like? Are they interested in anyone or in a relationship? listen i made the with the almost exclusive purpose of dating raul so. interested lol

Do they prefer to solve things diplomatically or using violence? diplomatically. they generally dislike having to actually, be in danger, but theyre really not charismatic so it usually ends up resorting to either violence, or very well-backed up threats

What is their combat style? What range do they prefer? Do they sneak? they are TOTAL SHIT at sneaking, for like no reason. theyre just... really not athletically inclined. their strategy is usually run and gun, dont stop moving, ABS - always be shooting. turns out when you have a rechargeable gun and the luck of the devil, it doesnt matter how many bullets you take as long as you win lol

What weapon(s) do they always carry with them? recharger pistol!!! they also carry a tiny bowie knife just in case. mostly used to cut plants off stems and cut meat off things. its a whole experience

Their most prized possession? pretty much everything they own is replaceable. the harmonica is nice, cause it pretty much still works entirely, but its definitely not super special or anything. theyd still sell it for a nice meal though

Their thoughts on power armor? a nice idea, but full heavy armor makes it kind of difficult to travel large distances, especially over mountains n shit

Favorite armor/ outfit? gecko-backed leather armor, plus a shitty hood they slapped on top of it. they think it looks so cool, plus its plain enough that its comfortable. they really want a tux lol

How’s their aim? Do their hands shake while pointing a gun? a gun? yes. a laser pistol? no. the second things have like, physical bullets in it, they get super stressed. using lasers instead of pistols or bullets allows a certain level of, like, disconnection from the situation.

What are their thoughts on having to kill on a daily bases in order to survive? Does it take a toll on them? Or do they shake it off rather easily? they really hate it. but honestly they get worse nightmares if they dont keep doing things, like constantly. they prefer to not really have to kill people, so tend to like... threaten and bluster their way through things pretty often. they wont chase down a fleeing enemy unless theyre really super in the zone

Thoughts on death if any? (ex. Fear it, accept it) definitely fear. they pretty much cant die, so theyre pretty confident about it, but its mostly because they manage to disconnect so much from situations that it basically just gives them night terrors. like i said before, complete disconnection from their own emotions. basically a whole lot of marions problems could be fixed by accepting that maybe running into danger is a bad idea, even if they basically cant die.

tl;dr, they think they accept it, but 100% fear

Do they move around a lot or prefer to have a place to call home? they move around SO much. marions pretty much been on the move since they turned 17, constantly doing just about anything they could get their hands on. a million jobs all at once

What’s their favorite location? the strip. they pretty much used to spend most of their spare time down there - loved the food at the ultra luxe, the booze n drugs at gomorrah, and the music company and games at the tops. a couple days of throwing caps down the drain, followed by doing a bunch of odd jobs in the area is a good way of spending a whole week. then, once they had enough messages and packages and people to kill/find, theyd take off again

Their opinions on ghouls, feral and not feral? marion kind of sees themself in feral ghouls. impossible to kill, but at what cost, etc etc. very angsty. thinks ghoul voices are actually kind of pretty

Do they scavenge for their supplies or simply buy them? combination. scavenges what they can, buys the rest. when youre as lucky as they are when finding bullets and bits, you definitely have enough caps for everything else. since theyre shit at repairing, they always get their equipment repaired while out

Are they the type to get distracted and go off to an unknown nearby location or do they stay on track? they definitely amble. long term plans are definite, but when you have maybe five jobs happening at once it doesnt hurt to step aside and grab a new one on the way

How do they sleep? Are they picky about where and how or can they sleep basically anywhere? they tend to get themself pretty blitzed to be able to sleep with few dreams. as a result they can pretty much sleep anywhere, but theyre pretty fitful about it

What’s their favorite radio station and song? (post-apocalypse) they used to like butcher pete but got pretty tired of it after a good, long amount of time. now they think aint that a kick in the head is super funny. since they got shot in the head.

theyre okay with literally every radio station, but likes black mountain radio a lot even though its a lot weirder than it was before. theyre really not sure if the people on the radio are uh ok but uh. makes it a point to eventually check that out.

What’s their favorite post-apocalyptic food? Are they a picky eater? Do they know how to cook? they fucking LOVE fresh fruit - trail mix is a huge fave, nd theyll pay pretty much any amount of money for it, especially since it keeps pretty well. theyre also a fan of like, gourmet shit, since they have the money to spend on it. good steaks are nice. theyre pretty picky, but they usually have a pretty good supply of long-keeping foods to eat on the road. they cant really cook that well though

What’s their favorite beverage? Do they drink alcohol? vodka is a fave. gets them real drunk real fast. a long time ago they managed to trade for some nuka-cherry and its basically their favourite thing in the whole world??????? has a weird distaste for sunset sarsaparilla and gives it all to raul

Do they have any tag skills? energy weapons, science, medicine. really good with e.weapons, more than decent with science, pretty good with medicine. mostly out of patching self up.

Anything they like to collect? (ex. Unique weapons, Bobbleheads) Caps Lol. nah but really they pick up anything that seems interesting to sell. they do have a big intention to buy the unique recharger pistol but its never in stock whenever they go to the kiosk

Are they good at disarming traps or do they constantly miss them? theyre pretty shitty at getting traps, but their luck is amazing with it. they can pretty much walk through a minefield just fine. like running through is safer than trying to disarm, because when you run through a minefield you either die or you dont - when you try really delicately you might blow some important bits up, but you wont die lol

[blookmallow]

some misplaced thoughts/attempted half-formed analysis on outlast 2, im not finished with it yet so im still missing half the information here but do NOT tell me about anything that happens later on dont fill in my blanks for me just yet ill find out (or ill reconsider my thoughts at the end if im wrong/if things get left unclear) 

im currently just a bit past the raft adventure, havent quite caught up my liveblogs yet bc transferring switch pics and sorting through them all takes 11 thousand years

this is. very disorganized and so many words, my thoughts are all over the place but i had to get it out somewhere lmao

ok so some key symbols ive noticed:

- obviously hanging/noose imagery

- again obviously, crucifixion/christ 

- water, most likely symbolic baptism 

- both of those last two things together in an overall “christian/catholic symbols but Horribly, Horribly Wrong” 

- the plagues!!!!!! i noticed some reference to this but recently realized i think we’re being forced through ALL of them actually 

so:

- again the hanging imagery is an obvious one, blake is (very poorly) coping with the trauma he experienced as a kid (or high school student. i was under the impression they were middle schoolers for some reason but high school is still a young age to be dealing with something like that) surrounding his friend’s suicide, he clearly feels like he’s somehow responsible for it, possibly only because he didn’t stop it, but it doesn’t seem like he really could have done anything. this trauma is absolutely resurfacing through all he’s going through now and it feels like his past and current pain are starting to converge more and more as time goes on. honestly even if there wasn’t some weird fucked up mystery going on and it was just a symbolic representation of him reliving his trauma id still think its absolutely fascinating and really well done but it seems like there’s definitely More Going On than just that 

this is something im going to make specific notes on when i do a story mode replay, note every time hanging shows up... some ive noticed: occurrences of hanging in the temple gate/”real world” often bizarrely coincide with blake’s salvation, he’s able to get away from the scalled leader by stealing the rope off the corpse of a man who hung himself, there’s a hanged corpse right near where the raft ends up when he crashes it on the river

there’s definitely some “somebody else died so that I could live” going on there, I don’t know if that’s directly related to the incident with jessica or not yet 

and that again ties into the crucifixion, the death of Jesus brings about salvation and life for everyone else (and, while he was not hanged, there’s still “hanging” on a cross, and the cross is often referred to as a “tree”) (it doesn’t seem like jessica hung herself from a tree but the other corpses have been) 

- obvious again, the crucifixion is showing up absolutely everywhere, clear sacrifice/murder for the greater good concepts, im not catholic but i am coming at this from a christian perspective myself, and like. on the one hand it’s taking very important religious imagery and hideously distorting it into “now we got the flayed corpses of cultists stuck everywhere” but on the other I think it’s actually... really important not to forget that the cross was in fact an execution tool, the death of christ was a horrific, bloody, and cruel event that would have been absolutely revolting to witness and unfathomably painful to experience 

and the sanitized, pretty, kid-friendly image of the cross you so commonly see in churches now really disconnects from the reality of it. a mutilated corpse rotting on a splintered, bloody piece of wood is a much more realistic image, for better or worse, than a little neon plastic WWJD toy cross. i dont actually think the crucifix imagery here is sacrilegious at all. obviously the cultists are fucking monsters but im talking about specifically the use of crucifix imagery here. the parallels with the unsettlingly realistic jesus statues (and the fact that they show up both in temple gate and in the high school hallucinations especially) is like. actually pretty solid. i dont want to get into religious debate with anyone so im not gonna get too deep into that but i wanted to mention it 

- there’s also blake as an unwilling “messiah” figure (which. hes literally declared “the skalled christ” so this isn’t exactly subtle lmao) and. i dont know exactly what his religious standing is but we do know he was raised catholic, and like. it was quite an intense and harrowing experience to me, as a christian, watching the skalled crucifixion scene through his perspective, so i cannot even imagine what it would have been like for him to actually be in that position for real experiencing it himself. and we have the. jesus Knowing what was going to happen, dreading and wishing he could escape it, but resigning to it/blake absolutely wanting no fucking part in any of this and literally tearing his hands out of the nails, jesus resurrecting from the grave/blake digging his way out of his “grave” (though he wasnt actually dead), i dont really have any deeper observation to make there i just think its interesting 

- i do not know whats going on with water! something is! i wasnt paying much attention to water before so this is probably another thing ill be watching for/making notes on in my eventual story mode replay but Something Is Very Wrong About That Lake and i keep getting murdered by the Whatever THe Fuck That Thing Is in water, either from falling in the lake/the river or there’s that pool scene in the high school

seems like there’s some kind of... chemicals in the water causing weird shit but i dont know whats going on yet (dont tell me!), so there’s probably something about baptism/entering the water and leaving fundamentally changed somehow but in a Very Wrong sense, but i dont have all the information yet so im just blindly guessing. and we got piles of dead fish in the water very soon before you see piles of human corpses in the water, that as well,

and along that line:

- the plagues!! i cant believe i didnt realize we’re going through the plagues! i had noticed some reference to them but figured it was just more weird religious imagery for the aesthetic or something and didn’t quite realize we’re actually hitting all of them, they’re not necessarily happening in order but they sure are happening: 

water turning to blood: we’re surrounded in blood from the start but this was what really made me start fucking paying attention because where im at right now it is RAINING BLOOD SOME FUCKING HOW 

I have no IDEA how that’s happening in the “real world” unless it’s like. not really blood and some kind of chemical reaction with whatevers going on with the water, or if its some mass hallucination thing, or what (again dont tell me!! i want to find out!! shh!!!!) but, uh, that’s a pretty clear “water into blood” situation there, 

this one also is happening simultaneously with the high school dimension, all the water in the bathroom and the fire sprinklers all became blood, and you get fucking drenched in it, so there’s probably some amount of “baptism of blood” happening there too

plague of flies: i dont remember there being any specific moment where you get overwhelmed by flies but its possible it happened and i forgot, but either way you hear flies buzzing around constantly, it gets in your head, theres flies everywhere because of the gore piles rotting all over everywhere 

disease on livestock: there’s dead rotting cow/horse carcasses absolutely everywhere, so,

plague of boils: the skalled village, may not be Specifically boils but they’re definitely uh. very, very diseased 

plague of locusts: you get attacked by a shit ton of locusts and fall into the ravine, this one’s, uh. pretty blatant 

plague of darkness: you’re stuck in the dark for the entire everything, so

there’s also an instance in the high school dimension where everything goes black and you cannot see anything whatsoever and can’t do anything but follow jessica’s voice and hope to god you don’t run into That Thing Again

the only ones I haven’t seen yet are the plague of frogs, gnats/lice which i completely forgot was even a plague but apparently was (though again this could just be included in with the general “everything is covered in flies and god knows what” happening everywhere), hail/fire storms (though you do get attacked by flaming arrows, so that could count)(that also happens in the skalled village/shortly after you discover the skalled, so that would be in order), and... the death of the firstborn

the exact order of the other plagues isn’t necessarily all that important but that one as the final plague is very important and it definitely feels like they could be building up to that 

so it’s. likely something really, really bad is gonna happen with lynn by the end of all this

(do NOT!! tell me!!! dont!!! do not) 

also a minor thing but i did notice blake at one point goes “these are signs!! this is the apocalypse!!” and, like, maybe that’s just because he’s obviously not in his right mind right now/it wasn’t supposed to be taken that seriously but the plagues on egypt were not signs of the apocalypse, but signs displaying the power of God to the pharoah, a “let the slaves go free Or Else” demonstration, and blake as someone who grew up in catholic school would know this, but that could just be like. a minor writing error or just. biblical accuracy isnt really his first priority right now lmao 

[fairycosmos]

so i’m diagnosed with aspd (please don’t judge me) and i know that bc of that i’m more prone to addiction than ‘neurotypical’ people and i’m kind of scared i’m turning into a (functional) alcoholic and at the same time i don’t care?? i’m unsure of what to do bc i can’t open up to my therapist who i’ve been seeing for two years so i can’t tell her about my potential addiction. anyways i’m sorry for dumping this on you but i just needed to bent and you seem like a truly nice and caring person.

hey there’s no judgement on my end, don’t worry. i can sort of relate to being more prone to addiction but due to family history rather than a personality disorder - i can understand to an extent how hard it is to gain a sense of control or even a will to improve. though i’m obviously ignorant on your lived experiences with aspd, and how it impacts your behaviour and thought processes, can i ask why you cant open up to your therapist about it? do you think you’ll always feel that way, have you already made the decision for your future self that you’re not going to reach out? or is it something you can work on confronting? i think it’s worth reflecting on that point so you can identify what it is you’re so apprehensive of, what the worst case scenario is and how likely that being honest with a professional will lead to that actually occurring in reality. i appreciate how extremely difficult it is to put this sort of thing into words, and i’m not saying you have to bare your entire soul at your next appointment, i’m just asking you to take pause and keep your options open ended in your head. i think it’s a really great sign that you have the self awareness to see that this is becoming a problem. not to sound cliche but that really is the first step towards modifying your actions for the better. you have to try to keep listening to the part of you that is scared because it is what’s going to save you in the long run. the fact that you were able to send this and verbalize the fear is great. you know that what you’re doing doesn’t serve you well. and maybe you don’t care about that 100% of the time - because you don’t care about yourself or because it’s easier to block things out or because you just can’t find the energy or because of your mental illness. whatever the case may be, may be something else entirely. but the majority of the time the urge to want to give up is both temporary and empty. you’re not a lost cause, in fact you’re the furthest thing from it. it will be much easier to start laying the foundation for a healthier future now - even if you have to force yourself to, even if you have to tear your way through the apathy - before the choice is no longer yours. i’m not trying to scare you, and i’m more than certain you know the dangers of alcoholism, but i want to reiterate that there IS a better life for you than that. it’s all in what you do now with the resources that are at your disposal. not every day has to be a good one, and relapses happen, but there has to be an understanding in the back of your mind as to why it’s crucial that you keep trying. that sometimes it’s ok to be clear minded and sober and terribly bored. even if it fucking hurts. specialized therapy will be able to give you the tools and coping mechanisms to keep the urges at bay when they do arise, and may be able to instill some self worth into you as well. you start with one small positive routine and then build around it, one day at a time. no rush or deadline. whatever you’re avoiding, or whatever underlying issues are causing you to drink so much, they CAN be confronted and worked through with time and the right support. i promise, it’s not just empty words. it’s the truth. there are a lot of times in my life i’ve quietly thought i’m going to be an alcoholic at some point, and i still do sometimes. that i’m just going to finally let go and get wrecked all the time. and what sets me back ‘on track’ changes all the time, but mostly i remember how totally shit i feel after i drink too much. and how my parents were/are, how damaged. how i don’t want to make that my life 24/7 by CHOICE, because right now it still is. i’ve seen/spoken to alcoholics who are too far down the path to return to normalcy, their bodies totally dependent on drink and it is the saddest thing in the world. and they all thought they were functional at one point too, you know? use this hindsight you have to make a difference. again, this isn’t to scare you and certainly not to blame you in any way. this isn’t a matter of personal failure or guilt. addiction is an illness, a hell of a one. i just think it’s good to have some perspective and to see what you’re fighting against by making the choice not to pick up the bottle. i really hope you’re able to revisit the idea of speaking to your therapist or maybe an AA group (over the phone i suppose, with the virus) in your area. it could also help to talk to your loved ones or people you trust about the issue. i’m sure they’d rather you do that than struggle alone and get to a point of no return before they even had the chance to be there for you. there are a lot of people out there who have been where you are and who are willing to help. you’re truly not alone, alright? i’m going to leave a few links to some numbers and resources you can call though im v sorry if they dont pertain to where you live :/ please give yourself the opportunity to heal and recuperate while you still can, even if you dont feel any ‘urgency’ or sense of ‘self care’ in this moment. you can still do the right thing for yourself despite your thoughts. you do deserve it, you know. im sending you love and warmth, take care x

https://drugabuse.com/alcohol/hotlines/

https://adfam.org.uk/help-for-families/finding-support/call-a-helpline

https://www.drugwise.org.uk/where-can-i-get-help/

https://www.therecoveryvillage.com/alcohol-abuse/treatment-rehab/from-alcohol-self-help-to-recovery-practical-tips/

[fairycosmos]

i want to kill myself. it gets more n more tempting and though i know i’m not going to do it, i don’t know how to deal w the feeling. especially because it’s more wanting to but not willing to, rather than i want to do this and i’m determined, i feel like no one takes that serious enough and another part of me just wants to so people will know i’m really hurting. so bad.

hey my love. it's going to be okay. the fact that you're having suicidal thoughts to any extent is very serious and should not be undermined. it's easy to desensitizie yourself to it when you've lived with it for so long, but it is a problem and you do not have to handle it alone. maybe those around you can't grasp what you're going through out of fear, or just plain ignorance, but that does not mean that you don't deserve or need help, or that it's not out there. you have options no matter how much you don't want to believe it. to be honest i want to tell you all about how significant and rare your life and presences is. i want to let you know that the biggest trick of mental illness is that it convinces you it's permanent when in reality, more often than not, there are ways to make it manageable. and everything is temporary. the natural evolution of your life will prove so much to you but you must give yourself a fair chance to get there. it's not always going to hurt this bad, and i know that means nothing to you right now, but try to have a bit of trust in the notion. ultimately i know there's nothing i can say that will immediately soothe the pain, or change anything. i understand that your mind is simply not allowing you to see things from multiple perspectives at the moment. and i get that speaking in hypotheticals is pointless when the emotional turmoil is so paramount. so i urge you to, when you can, have an honest conversation with yourself about what you truly need. what's missing from your life, what are the short term causes of your pain? does anything in particular trigger you, do you notice any self destructive patterns in yourself, what calms you when you're afraid? i'd also recommend talking to someone you trust about what's going on, whether it's a family member or a friend, anyone. you don't have to go into great detail, and it's ok to not know what to say. you just have tell them you're struggling. give them a chance to care for you. i'm sure they'll appreciate the transparency. having a support system makes a massive difference, and enables you to face up to your situation. if that's not an option, or if they don't understand, then there are other routes to take. for example, you could call a hotline. they'll be able to offer you more specific recommendations, while talking you through the episode and listening to your worries. you're in control of the call and you can hang up anytime. you could also talk to your doctor, or look into support groups in your area, or counseling agencies/youth crisis centers, anything is better than nothing. and if you're underage, and you have to force your parents to listen in order to get what you need, then so be it. you're not trapped, okay? i know this is all so hard and daunting, and putting in any amount of effort is the last thing you you want to do. but if you don't want to live like this anymore then change is necessary. and you're so unbelievably capable. your minds automatic reaction will always be to reject the idea of reaching out. but that's just a part of the self harm. isolation stagnates you, leads you nowhere fast. a professional will be able to identify the deeper causes of your suicidal ideation, while working with you to create a care plan so you're prepared when you have a meltdown and you know what to do. because it is okay to be sad. it is even alright to want to give up sometimes. but it's not okay to blur the lines between having a thought and actually acting on it. the goal isn't to never feel negative emotions, it's to try to cope with them as best you can so you don't spiral into a cycle of 'im sad so i hurt myself, i hurt myself and feel sad.' that's all very possible to achieve with time, communication, and natural personal development. if you need to cry, if you need to have days where all you do is breathe, if you need to take a step back from stressors such as schoolwork or relationships, then that's all fine. your mental health always comes first and if you prioritize it, your perspective WILL shift and evolve. please please try to believe me when i say that you're supposed to be here. taking your own life is not going to solve anything the way you think it will. it's a really positive sign that you don't think you're going to do it, and i was relieved when i read that, but like i said before - it doesn't make up for the sadness you feel, and your idolisation of death is still very worrying. it's still something you need to consider talking to your doctor about as soon as possible, or any mental health professional. it's not a far fetched idea, there is always something. i would hate for you to act on your emotions, and then regret it only when it was irreversible - which would be the likely outcome. above all you cant make such a final judgement of your life when you're so young, and you deserve better. you deserve to see all of the people you're going to become, you deserve to know the world at every age. and i know you don't think you do, but you do. i believe in your ability to put your well-being before your sadness, even when it seems impossible. you don't have to harm yourself to find peace. you don't have to kill yourself to move from one state to the next. i cant stress that enough. take it one step at a time, and look at what you can do right now to improve your quality of life even temporarily, because the present truly is the only controllable aspect. the only thing you have to worry about. i'll be rooting for you with my whole heart, seriously. so many people have been where you are, and survived it. you will, too. because you have the tools and the resilience to do so. please let me know if you ever need a friend or someone to talk to, i'll be here. focus on getting through one day at a time, and when that feels like too much, one hour at a time, even one minute at a time is good enough.

[fairycosmos]

chloe, i need some help. ever since i got into college i dont feel like myself anymore. like im making all the wrong choices and i cant even see the person i used to be. im almost in a relationship with my professor, im not studying at all (which is rlly out of character. i love studying) im going out when i now i need to wake up early the next day (and then i dont). im spending all my money on stupid shit. im not reading, not sewing, im not myself. idk what happened or why im doing any of this

hey my love. i'm sorry to hear you're going through such a rough time right now, it must be extremely hard for you to find moments of peace and clarify :( alright so, it's normal for your interests and hobbies to change as you get older, and it's natural to have a million different selves (to an extent). but if you're noticing sudden self destructive patterns in your behaviour then it may be a sign of a much deeper issue. you're young, you're finding a comfortable version of yourself, which can take a lot of trial and error, so new experiences (even if they're not necessarily positive) are to be expected. however it seems like you're going in a direction that you're know isn't good for you, and the contrast between what you want to do and what you're actually doing is concerning. however the fact that you have the self awareness and the inner honesty to truly recognise that is a really good sign. i absolutely promise that where you're at right now isn't where you'll always be, not if you don't want to be. progress is within reach. periods of high stress, such as starting college, can have a massive impact on your mental health and the way you deal with your problems. it can bring out illnesses that may have gone previously undiagnosed. that's a very heavy idea, but take it on board as neutrally as you can. there are numerous ways to come to terms with your mind set, especially if you get a handle on it sooner rather than later. obviously i'm not an authority on this subject, but the symptoms you described are quite common ways for certain disorders to manifest. of course it could just be that you're in a new environment, you have new options, new perspectives - it's weird and confusing and being a little lost is alright, as is making mistakes. but it's very important that you take the time to evaluate the seriousness of what's going on. do you think this is something you need to talk to someone about? because i'd really urge you to do so. i think that's what it's all leading up to, it's fine to give into it. whether it's your doctor, a hotline, a college counselor, a referral from some local mental health resources, your parents - please, please consider it from an objective standpoint. your mind may try to talk you out of the idea, usin feelings of fear and apprehension against you, but you don't have to lean into it. you can't trust those thoughts that want to keep you locked in a negative cycle. it's genuinely alright to be scared and to not have everything figured out. it's painful, but allowing yourself to process and feel it is not a bad thing. i just think that you're seeing a pattern within your lifestyle, one that is detrimental to your overall health and happiness, so reaching out is an extremely viable and realistic option, even if you don't think it is. if there's a bigger problem causing your recent change in character, or if you just need someone to talk to and a bit of guidance, whatever it is - there is a way through it and you're not trapped. you will continue to grow and navigate and learn from whatever the world throws at you. you are so much stronger and more resilient than you think. you will adapt to whatever comes next, especially if you give yourself the tools to do so, even if sometimes you don't think you have the energy/capability to do that. you do, and you always will. if you take the time to talk to someone, especially a professional, they'll be able to help you identify what's going on, while showing you how to cope with the pressure of college life in a healthier way. they'll be able to work closely with you to develop a plan of action so you don't keep getting overwhelmed and jumping into crisis mode and acting impulsively. there are so many options, so many chances for you to find some stable ground here. they can also refer you if further treatment is going to help you get things back on track. i know that seems daunting and a bit terrifying, but the bottom line is that your mental health is just as important as your physical health, and sometimes it needs genuine medical support, just like any physical ailment would. there's no way around it, no shame in it. i'm not saying that it'll be quick or easy or that opening up will solve everything. i'm saying that what you're going through is NOT something you have to deal with all by yourself. alright? the only thing worse than talking to someone would be staying quiet and letting the circumstances get even worse when you know logically something's off, something needs to change for the better. i understand that every part of you is against the idea, that you just want to give in to the pain and the chaos, but you deserve so much more than that. even if you can't see it. as a sidenote it seems like your professor is taking advantage of your vulnerable state, he's an asshole. i think your focus should be on trying to get to a place where you feel ok about reaching out. he's not the solution to any of this. you have the strength, the power and the control to remove yourself from situations that are not serving you. you don't need the added pressure of a relationship. you need to look at your current state and decide what it is that you honestly need. i promise that if you don't want to keep hurting and losing yourself over and over again, that you can stop. you can. there are professionals that will SHOW you how to stop. but it all starts with admitting to what's going on in the first place by looking past you intense emotions, erratic urges and self hating thinking patterns, and talking to someone. listen, you can and will make it through this. take it one day at a time, talk to your family and friends, and confront each hurdle with their support. you're going to be alright, and you are truly not alone in this. i mean it. a lot of people have been where you are. i believe in you with all my heart and i'm rooting for you very much. let me know if you need a friend or someone to talk to, i'll be here. sending love.

[fairycosmos]

Will u please give a poor soul a wee bit of advice as you’re a goddess of wisdom. I’m going into my last year of high school in a month & I feel so overwhelmed with the stress of the final exams and the application process for college. I’m mentally ill & while I used to be a good student, I have fallen down a slippery slope & I don’t know if I can deal with the pressure. Should I take a gap year before I go to college? I think it may lift some weight off, but it may also do more harm than good.

hey babeyyyy :(( i'm really sorry to hear that!! school is so fucking stressful and it's natural to worry about your final year, it just means you care about doing well. that's to be expected. but if you have preexisting mental health issues, your brain may force you to compulsively wonder about worst case scenarios and uncontrollable factors, as a way to induce self hatred or anxiety. it's a tactic, a side effect. but a lot of these thoughts do not reflect your reality or what the future will actually be like. there's no way of knowing, and you still have a whole year to adapt and to learn. the most likely outcome is that you will find a middle ground eventually. so breathe. i know it feels unimaginably awful at the moment, but identifying the difference between fact and fear will allow you to stay grounded in the present. it's ok if it takes a while to get to that point, or if your emotions overwhelm you at times. you've gotten through it before and you will again. sometimes all you can do is cry and lose it and let the 'episode' run its course. but as long as you're even just attempting to cope in a healthy way, through talking to someone you trust or distracting yourself, then you're doing great. better than you realize. another important thing to keep in mind is that your mental health is always more important than your education. just because it's your last year, doesn't mean you have to drop everything, no matter what the adults tell you. your academic career doesn't have to be linear, doesn't have to look like everyone else's. if you have to take a mental health day, or ask your teachers for additional support, you are TOTALLY entitled to that. in fact i encourage it. 'that' part of your brain may try to twist the narrative, may try to place blame or guilt, but your mental illness is not a reflection of your capability or your worth. and neither are your grades. don't ascribe morality or personhood to a letter on a page. the actual experience of leaving high school will probably teach you more than your lessons, in a good and bad way. anyway it's cool if you don't quite believe me right now, but i just hope that concept sticks in your head. ultimately though, all you have to do is take it a day at a time. create a simple short term plan and stick to it as best you can, repeatedly. with regular breaks of course. and make sure at least one of your teachers knows the gist of what's going on so you can keep an honest dialogue with them. it's a matter of finding what works for you, and adjusting accordingly. prioritising your mental well being should always be your goal, because everything starts with you. if you're not practicing self compassion, everything else feels a hundred times more daunting.

anywhere as far as the gap year goes, i think it's a good idea if it makes the upcoming year feel less scary. it's your life and your desicion. and theres literally no wrong answer. and you have a while to mull on it, you don't have to know for sure right now. if you need some time to truly focus on yourself then there's no harm in that. in fact i kind of think it's a sign of maturity when you know what you need and how to give it to yourself. if you can recognize that you're slipping, then that's actually a good sign. because you understand that you need help. you're not buying into any illusions. as a side note - of course, school brings structure which alleviates the impact of many mental health issues. when i briefly left college, i had no excuse to leave the house, and everything festered and i became even more isolated. though i did need that break to figure some shit out. as with everything, there's positives and negatives. so just be sure to keep up with smaller goals if you take time off, that's all. use the break to look into getting professional help if you haven't already. and try to practice self soothing exercises on a weekly or daily basis, even if you feel dumb. gap years are great tools if utilized correctly and fuck anyone who has anything to say about it. college will always be there, and even if you don't go at all for any reason - it wouldn't be the end of the world. there must be a lot of pressure rn for you but so much of it is just,,, bullshit. hindsight will allow you to see that. just gotta let yourself get to that point by living the natural solutions to your worries, and getting by a day at a time. when that feels like too much, an hour at a time. you're obviously still young as hell and your future is so much wider than your brain is allowing you to see. i promise! above all though, keep in mind that there are people to talk to and countless resources out there whenever you're struggling - whether it's at school, or in your community or your family, or through your doctor - there is always someone to turn to and always a way forward. the biggest trick of mental illness is that it convinces you otherwise, but it's a notorious liar. so. try not to self isolate even when the urge is there, and done be afraid to talk about what's going on in your head. let it be embarrassing. block everything else out and look at what will make you feel happier with your own existence from an objective perspective. cause that's all that matters really. anyway i'm wishing you so much luck with your final year and whatever happens, i hope you make some decent memories :) be sure to cut yourself some slack when possible. remember, the desicion is yours, no matter what. sending a lot of love to you!! let me know if you need a friend or want to walk more about it. (also goddess of wisdom sfhjhsdhh im a whole dumbass but. thank you lil peach 💞)

[fairycosmos]

tw!! im bulimic but im trying to do better. i never binge, so i just purge small amounts of food. lately ive just wanted to restrict. not completely, but to where ill be able to feel better abt myself without purging. but the more i think abt not eating, the more i want to eat n it just makes me feel even worse n idk what to do. i have a hard time talking abt this bc im at a healthy weight, i know im sick but i have a hard time believing it bc my body doesnt show it. its just been a hard cycle.

hey love, im so sorry to hear that :(( i completely understand how difficult it is and honestly, a lot of people do. i think the thing is, is that there is no sustainable answer in the realm of eating disorders - restricting leads to major health problems and extended periods of depression, as does continuing to purge everything you eat. so as long as you're chasing those prospects, you're never going to achieve the satisfaction you crave. your brain will lie to you of course, trying to convince you that your goals are attainable and 'not a big deal', but that's a line of thinking that will only perpetuate the cycle. i'm really proud of you for choosing to try and do better. and i think a big part of that is realizing that you can't continue indulging the same urges that got you here in the first place, if you want to progress. obviously i'm not saying it's possible to just stop, to suddenly develop a healthy relationship with food and your body. it's not that simple, and i fully recognize the gravity of the situation. which is why i believe it may be time to seriously look into seeking help even if your mind is screaming at you and telling you not to. it doesn't matter that you're at a healthy weight - eating disorders are mental illnesses, not primarily physical ones, for a reason. what you're doing is still harmful to your organs, your emotional state, your relationship with yourself, your future etc. the list goes on. when your mind tells you that its 'not bad enough' to get help, that's a sign that is is, because you're trying to rationalize what is hurting you. that alone is not healthy. i get that reaching out seems like an impossible task in this moment, but it doesn't have to be. the hardest part is taking the initial step, and then you realize its what you should have been doing the whole time, even if its really hard. it's not hard in the same way that struggling alone is. idk where you live or what your life situation is like, but there must be some mental health resources in your area. there are ED hotlines you can call and ED recovery websites that offer coping mechanisms and advice on how to advance in your recovery. you can just start with those at first, it's totally fine to take this at your own pace. or if you want to begin with your parents or a friend, that's completely understandable. being honest with your support system is important. as long as you keep the possibility of talking to your doctor, or a support group, in the back of your mind as a viable option. don't write if off no matter how scared you are. talking to a professional will give you a much needed additional perspective, a place to open up, and a care plan to help you deal with the bad days. they will also enable you to identify the root causes of your issues. it's not about being instantly cured, it's just about understanding that you have to try. whatever 'trying' means to you. could just be lying in bed holding yourself back from purging. it all counts. learning to differentiate between disordered thoughts and trustworthy ones is really an irreplaceable skill that you WILL learn through therapy and opening up. and i believe in u, i know you can make that choice. even if you have to work up to it. i promise it has nothing to do with being 'ill enough.' you're bulimic, that is a disease no matter the extent of it, and you deserve treatment. it's not a competition. i really hope you're ok and that you're able to get to a place of, if not self love, self neutrality. where you no longer feel bad about nourishing yourself. im sending you a lot of love. i'll be here if you need a friend 💌