#im just. i have a lot of feelings and have been thinking traumatic thoughts about him since he left

[13eyond13]

.

[noinou]

idk one of my friend's described me as her most traumatised friend and made fun of me(in a nice way dw) for saying golden boy emerald girl is one of my fave stories bc of how sweet it is. she was like no thats depressing as fuck

like ask the traumatized girl if the story is deeply lonely or depressing, she says its a nice story, its depressing.

its about a gay man moving back home and getting a marriage of convenience with this girl who has been pining for his mom since college bc he realizes he has to take care of his mom now and needs a co-parent

anyway i always thought it was a really nice story in the same way i think nighthawks is a really happy painting i guess

[killmebythebeach]

So was anyone gonna tell me that s5 is so unbelievably sad or was I supposed to find that out myself.

[gii-1]

Hi!!! I hope you’re doing well<3 I saw your requests were open and I’ve had this in my mind for a while- you of course don’t need to do this- I was thinking JJK characters reacting to reader having trouble with sh? Like they see readers past scars or fresh ones? (I myself have struggled with this, so is comforting to read my fav characters reacting/comforting reader). I’ve looked so much and I can’t find any jjk fic with this headcannon 🙁. Anyway- hope you’re doing well!!!<3

- jjk characters with a reader who struggles with sh

ft. yuji, megumi, gojo

notes: im so so sorry if i get anything wrong or write anything inaccurate, i haven’t been through anything similar to this and i really feel sorry that you have to go through this. i will try my best to write this, and really hope this comforts you in any sort of way. if you don’t like the characters i picked then i will try and do different ones if you tell me, its just these are the ones i can write the best for.

yuji ->

• he’s a absolute sweetheart about it, when he first notices this he immediately asks if your okay, devastated.

• he can’t imagine the fact you, someone he deeply cares for, went through something so traumatic and he didn’t even know.

• he would make sure that he has a talk with you and wants you to tell him what happened, with all of his heart he really wants to help you as much as he can. if you don’t want to be vocal about your problems, he doesn’t mind at all, he really just wants to help you.

• he would feel so terrible about it and would do anything he can do to help

• he would definitely try and do a lot of things with you and spend time with you a lot more, and try and get your mind off everything that happened.

• he just doesn’t want to see you sh anymore, he would definitely try and find out methods to help you cope.

• i feel like he would try and get you into some sort of hobby thats a lot healthier for you, to try and steer you away from hurting yourself.

• whenever you have to go and do missions, he would definitely volunteer to do it for you instead, he doesn’t want to see you get hurt more.

• he would be much more softer with you, always trying to make sure you’re doing okay.

• in all, he just cares for you deeply.

megumi ->

• when he first notices this, he is extremely surprised, a lot of new emotions going through his head as he’s never seen or dealt with anything like this before.

• as he’s a very logical person, he would put a lot of research into this.

• he would spend the rest of his day researching on what to do and how you’re supposed to deal with these types of problems, he’s very dedicated to fixing your problems and helping you.

• when he wants to confront you about it, he thinks of every possible way of wording it as he is not very good at expressing his feelings and emotions.

•he’s not used to comforting people, this is probably one of the first times he has to do this, so he puts a lot of thought into this.

• when he does confront you about it, he makes sure its very clear he’s concerned and really cares for you.

• he spends a lot of his time into finding out ways to get you to not sh, constantly making sure you don’t do it again.

• he starts observing you a lot more now, always making sure your okay.

• he starts getting much more things for you, remembering the types of things you like all the time, and so every time he sees them in a store or market he makes sure to get it for you. but he doesn’t buy so much for you that your don’t have space to keep it anymore, they are sort of like thoughtful gifts.

• i feel like he would buy you a book to express you emotions with it, if you finish it he would definitely buy you another one, but he would never look inside and would let you keep it. but he would make sure that you would use it.

gojo ->

• i also think he is similar with megumi in the sense that he doesn’t really know how to deal with these types of situations.

• he notices this very early on, and goes through a lot of strong emotions about it.

• because he notices this very early on, he tries his best to also stop it very early on as well.

• he does anything with all of the fibres within his being that you never do it again.

• he constantly does things for you so you don’t have to with the thought that it could potentially harm you. (such as missions or anything dangerous in general, he does allow you to be your own person and do things by yourself.)

• he constantly makes you do fun things with him as a way to get you mind off it.

• he does a lot of these things as a way to convey his care for you, and also as a way to check how your doing.

• as he never dealt with this type of stuff before, he finds it hard to talk to you about it.

• but when he does, he definitely pondered about for a long period of time.

• he would not only ask you why but why couldn’t you tell him sooner, telling all the ways he could help you.

• the thing is that, he would only notice that you’re going through something when he sees your sh. hes not the best at noticing when you were going through your struggles before that.

• but when does, he would take it very seriously, he’s shown to be a very sentimental person and will do a lot for the people he cares about.

[sualne]

carnis au accidental [???] but i was thinking about mimic luffy wanting to get closer and closer to law, and i'd been thinking since i've made the au about how he'd want to see law's scars (already various scenes on how it could happen, written notes and all, don't know which to pick), and then the fact that he knows there's something carnis still in him.

so i was thinking of another scene where he's inspecting the scars on his face and they both very close but it's not the scars he's really looking at, he's searching for that carnis leftover and says maybe mostly to himself "It's still inside you. That's just so unfair. Why, just why couldn't it have been me?"

And jokingly is thought: This is it folks, I broke the code, this is about bottom dysphoria!

But then! I thought again, the au is about feeling otherized, isolated and monstrous and wrong. i've already strongly considered the idea of luffy's death as a suicide metaphor. the mimic has been thinking about socially detransitioning because it keeps getting accosted by creeps and assholes and knows that luffy would've fought back most of the time but also knows it's much stronger now and doesn't want to get caught, he needs to lays low, it doesn't want to cause a scene, it has to go stealth.

law hates the idea because it's not enough that it killed luffy now it has to just go and erase that important part of him of as well but the mimic insist, he's still a man, he'll just fake being a girl to make it easier. but law doesn't understand because to him the mimic is faking being a man, it's faking being a person, it's faking being luffy.

the reason the mimic wants to lay low is because it doesn't want to get caught so it can stay with law and study him, understand him. law doesn't knows that, he's too freaked out by the fact that's it's a mimic! that it killed luffy and might possibly want to kill him too! but the mimic feels a kind of kinship with law because of that remaining carnis in him.

remains he got from nearly dying, from losing his family, from an attack to another carnis. and i thought, law is meant to be reminiscent of mimics. he had to regrow his face, he's (as always) autistic and doesn't always act as expected, he's also paranoid even when he happens to be right, he's traumatized to the point of psychosis, the encounter changed him. it was meant as a parallel to how ppl like to think murderers&co are all mentally ill because they can't possibly be Normal Like Them, they must be different, they must not be human, they're obviously monsters. but those victims, those who get to survive, the trauma change them, they can acquire all sort of neurodivergences, and when those same Normal People learn that a person has some kind of The Scary Disorder they think "Oh, you're a monster too! You'll (inevitably) hurt someone!" which lead back to being otherized ect.

there's also something about how law didn't just get scars from his near death experience but also what's essentially a disease.

and then back to the mimic, who recognize itself in him, in that disease, but it isn't quite right, it's not enough and it's also nothing alike at all and also he's kind of jealous? it makes no sense to the mimic itself but he can't stop thinking about law either.

it's also how a monster that's linked to what is theorized to be something close to a hivemind accidentally developing a sense of identity and facing some sort of existential crisis over the fact that it can't ever escape it's monstrous nature and doesn't want to either. and that sound like, very much like being trans and cracking your egg and realizing you're fucked cause that sure is knowledge to have about oneself and also it's in the fictional 90s of a op carnis au so good luck with that.

anyway that's a lot of words and im not sure how to phrase the rest it's just, this was supposed to be a casual au where i went "OHOHO look at the Tragedy" but i thought about it too long and now i feel like i've ended up with a millefeuilles of overlaying themes and im, i means sure. can't draw All that tho so what now.

[redwinetalks]

I Won’t Let You Sink

Chapter 1

Word Count: 4k

Pairing: Finnick x Fem!OC

Warnings: angst, thoughts of some self harm, miss girl has to sell her body

Summary: Silk Fabelle is the winner of the 68th annual Hunger Games and she’s finishing up her victory tour. She meets Finnick then returns home leading to a lil chit chat with Snow.

*°*°*°*°*°*°*°*°*°*°*°*°*°*°*°*°*°*°*°*°

The Capitol was the complete opposite of District 8. Full of bright colors and energy instead of dull and lifeless. Everything is perfectly placed and decorated. Artistically groomed trees and bushes. The Capitol elite expect me to think of this as a blessing. How much of an honor it is to get to visit. To be invited to these lavish parties and be dressed to the nines. But with each conversation I’m dragged into, I’m counting the seconds until I can go home and no longer be stuck with the people who use my trauma as a way to get off.

“Did you hear me?” I’m snapped back to reality by the woman who’s been speaking to me about my victory. Her blue and purple hair is tied up in an intricate bun. Her eyeshadow goes all the way to her temples and her eyebrows are adorned with jewels. To match her eccentric look, she’s wearing a bright purple gown that cinches her waist so much I wonder how she’s even breathing.

“Yes, sorry. I couldn’t help getting distracted by how beautiful everything looks tonight.”

“Oh, of course! I can’t even imagine having to live in that dreary district of yours. This must be such a culture shock. But, back to what I was saying. Your games! You really surprised us all. I mean, no one guessed that the little girl from 8 could win. A lot of people lost their bets after your victory. Don’t worry though, no one could stay upset about it. Not with how precious you are! You really are a doll just like they say!” A doll. That’s the pet name they’ve adorned me with. The Capitol’s doll they could dress up and play with however they so please.

“You’re going to be quite popular! But I must leave you, I need to get a little drink.” She gives me a wink and walks away. Im sure she’s off to purge and then continue to gorge herself.

When she’s gone I close my eyes and let out the deep sigh I’ve been holding. With each Capitol aristocrat I talk to I feel more and more suffocated. I grab a glass of wine and then move myself away from the crowd. This party is supposed to be dedicated to me to congratulate my huge “victory”. No one expected me to win. District 8 has a pretty poor relationship with the Capitol because of our rebelliousness. This kept me from getting any help from sponsors. It also didn’t help that I don’t look very strong, I’m shorter than most people my age, and the jobs back home don’t prepare us in the slightest for what’s to come in the arena. That’s not all true, though. I gained enough strength by carrying large amounts of supplies to and from the factories. Boxes full of fabric or Peacekeeper uniforms are much heavier than people think. I used my knowledge of different bugs and berries, used to make dyes, to help me keep from poisoning myself in the arena. My mentor Cecilia told me since I know how to sew, stitch, and weave that I have a good eye and a steady hand. She taught me how to make traps that I could use against other tributes or to catch food. She helped me learn how to use throwing knives, her weapon of choice. That proved to be significantly helpful during the bloodbath. The majority of my games I spent hiding. My arena was a rainforest so it wasn’t difficult to disguise myself. I was then able to trick some tributes with poisonous berries or trapping them in a net made up of vines and leaves. I’m sure it was a riveting show for everyone glued to the broadcast. Not at all traumatizing for them, only for the 17 year old.

“Not enjoying the festivities?” I’m slightly startled when he comes up and stands next to me. Finnick O’dair. The so called Capitol “darling” and youngest to ever win the games. “I’m sorry, I’m really sorry. Didn’t meant to catch you off guard.” He laughs.

“And what if I’m not?” I sip my wine and look at him, deadpanned.

“Don’t worry, it only gets worse from here.” He lets out a another light laugh and I hum in response.

“Thanks for the warning. I figured as much.” I think about walking away, but there’s something about him that compels me to stay put. It’s disarming. I don’t figure a Career would be too enjoyable to hang around, yet he has this air to him that I can’t walk away from. Maybe it’s how his tan skin and perfect smile are even more breathtaking in person. I could just be getting hypnotized by his beauty and charm. Which, I’m positive he uses to his advantage. He then turns to face directly in front of me and holds his hand out.

“If you’ll let me, I was hoping I could steal you away for a dance.” He takes my hand and gives it a small peck as I just look at him. I raise my eyebrows in surprise.

“Are you trying to charm me, Finnick O’dair?” He flashes me a perfect smile.

“And what if I am, Silk Fabelle?” He moves his face closer to mine and his voice, as smooth as velvet, is just a whisper. He smells like salty seawater and citrus. The hair on my neck stands up and I can feel the goosebumps creeping up my body. Maybe I am being hypnotized.

“I suppose you can. Hopefully it’ll keep everyone else from talking to me about my riveting games.” I say after clearing my throat and awkwardly adjusting my stance.

“You sure you’re not trying to keep me all to yourself, darling?” I stop and blankly stare at him. He rolls his eyes at me, “I’m kidding. Shall we?” I slowly nod and he escorts me back through the crowd of people.

“So is there a particular reason you decided to make my acquaintance?” I question him. No other previous victors have come to talk with me, at least not yet. It’s just been one vulture after the next. Maybe in his eyes he just saw a damsel in distress that he needed to rescue. He wouldn’t be incorrect per se.

“Maybe I just wanted to finally see your beauty in person. The broadcast is one thing, but there’s nothing like the real deal.” He says when we find a spot on the floor. He takes my waist and gracefully starts to guide me. It’s as if it’s second nature to him. I don’t know how to feel about his flirtations and it makes me a bit uneasy. I don’t know if I can trust him, but I’m not in the games anymore. He’s not another tribute trying to kill me before I kill him first. It sounds like he means what he says, so maybe I’m just overthinking it.

“You sure are quite the charmer, but I’m having a hard time believing that’s the only reason.”

“Oh please, I can’t just dance with a pretty girl? Must I have a motive?” I can feel his thumb rubbing my back. That plus the dancing is making me dizzy. My head feels like it’s spinning, but it could just be the wine causing that effect.

“Do you?” I press him, trying to remain focused, and he looks at me so softly.

“I just thought you might’ve been struggling to stay afloat. This place..these people..they’ll drown you. To them we aren’t real people we’re just toys. Entertainment. I remember how I felt when this was my party and I guess I just didn’t want you to have to go through that alone.” The playful banter has dropped and he speaks so genuinely. He’s not at all what I expected. I’ve only ever looked at careers with aversion. The way they suck up to the Capitol and get almost doted on in return. But they’re still district citizens. Even if they are on better terms with the Capitol, it doesn’t mean they aren’t part of this continuous punishment. They’re pawns in this game like everyone else, they just play differently.

“So you’re telling me no one whisked you away to save you at your victory party” I tilt my head when asking.

“Afraid not, sweetheart.” Even with his flirtatious banter back on I can see that there’s a sadness in his eyes. Like this confidence that he radiates is just an illusion to keep him from sinking. After winning the games they make you think you finally get to be free. You can finally be happy and you don’t have to live in fear. But the games never end. I can see it from the way Finnick looks at me. After you win the torment just continues. There is no freedom.

“I’m sorry you were alone. I appreciate, though, you being here for me even though you don’t know me. I hope..maybe..I can do the same for you.” I say that last sentence quietly. As if I’m not sure if I want him to hear it. I’m not quite sure if I mean it. He squeezes my hand a bit and softly smiles. His dimples showing only slightly.

“I can already see my days getting brighter.” He releases my waist once the song ends and brushes a hand through his golden blonde hair. The lights reflecting off of him in the most picture perfect way. “Unfortunately, I have to go, but it was lovely meeting you Silk.” He kisses my hand once more and walks away after I say goodbye. I’m left feeling frozen in place like a trance has just been lifted. Then, almost immediately I’m being pulled into another meaningless conversation with Capitol citizens. I try to stay present to what’s going on around me, but my mind keeps going back to Finnick O’dair.

*°*°*°*°*°*°*°*°*°*°*°*°*°*°*°*°*°*°*°*°

I’m on the train with Cecilia, finally going home after the victory tour. I’ve been sitting at the table moving my fork around my breakfast, too distracted to eat. I haven’t been able to push Finnick out of my mind. There is just something about him that is so alluring and mysterious that my teeth clench from trying to figure him out. I can’t help getting frustrated at myself for thinking only of him. Maybe it’s just because he’s so different from anyone I’ve ever met. His aura is so captivating and it’s like he knows just how to wrap you around his finger.

“How was last night?” Cecilia comes up behind me and takes my plate.

“I wasn’t finished.” I turn and look at her and she rolls her eyes.

“You’ve been pushing that blueberry around with your fork for 10 minutes. You’re finished.” Annoyingly, she’s right. I’m not even hungry anymore. I felt full after just a couple bites. I’ve only been able to eat small meals since leaving the arena.

“Last night was wonderful” she lets out a small laugh at my sarcastic reply.

“Did you meet any of the past victors? It’ll help having some of them close by.” I look down at the table where my plate was.

“I met Chaff and Seeder. They were nice, well, Chaff was a bit..overly friendly..but Seeder was kind. I was told Haymitch would be an ass, but I thought he was alright. Maybe just a bit abrasive.” I shrug. Cecilia hums in response while tapping her fingers on the table. I slightly glance up at her and she looks off and smiles.

“You seem to be leaving a certain person out.” I just look at her. “He’s much more genuine than people give him credit for. You should continue to get to know him. You’re still making allies you know, it doesn’t matter that you’re no longer in the arena.” I nod and turn to look out the window.

The only good thing about being on this train for so long is that I can look at all the trees. I can get lost in them. It brings me some sense of peace with my thoughts being so loud. I don’t know how I’m supposed to go back to normal. How I’m supposed to just go home and move on. How am I supposed to sleep peacefully each night when there are kids that are dead because of me? I’m not. That’s exactly the point. I’m supposed to feel like my insides are eating me alive and have these nightmares. That’s how Snow wants us to feel. He knows that the games will leave you forever traumatized and he loves it. He’s sick and cruel and twisted.

My nails have drawn blood on my arm from gripping myself so tightly. When I get up to grab a napkin, I realize we’re arriving at District 8. I thought I’d be excited to be home but I just feel numb. Nothing is going to be the same and it terrifies me.

*°*°*°*°*°*°*°*°*°*°*°*°*°*°*°*°*°*°*°*°

“You’re home” My mother says so softly. She runs up to me and wraps me in a tight hug when I walk into our new house in Victor’s Village. She cradles my head and rubs my back. The comfort she brings me is instant and I feel like I could collapse into her arms. Maybe I will be okay as long as she’s with me.

For my whole life I’ve only had my mother. I don’t remember my dad. He died when I was very young, but I’ve never felt like something was missing without him. I don’t feel his absence. When my father was 16 his older brother was reaped into the games and his death was so painful, that he swore to never have kids. He didn’t want to bring a child into a world where they could be put through something so heinous and vile, but he met my mother and accidents happen. My mother was anxious of course, but she still wanted to have me. She told me that when she realized she was pregnant with me, my father changed. Like some switch had been flipped. He became a completely different person. He was no longer kind, he drank, and he would have these sudden fits of rage. Mom tried to stay with him. To see if he would go back to the way he was. To see if he was just processing everything in some excessively horrible way, but he only got worse when I was born. So she kicked him out. When I was a bit older she told me that he had been shot by a Peacekeeper for some drunken altercation just days later.

My father didn’t want me and I don’t need him. I don’t feel his absence. All I feel is the love and protection that my mother has given me since I was born. She has never made me feel unwanted or like a burden. She is the strongest person I know and means more to me than anything in this world. If it wasn’t for her, I know I wouldn’t have gotten out of that arena.

“I missed you” I muffle into her shoulder. She puts her hands on my face and moves me to look directly at her.

“I missed you, too, my beautiful girl.” She then kisses me on the forehead, “Come with me. I want to show you want I’ve done with the place and then we’ll eat dinner.” She ushers me around the house showing me the different curtains and blankets she’s made. Most of the blankets she knit in our old home while I was in the arena. She told me that was the only thing she could do to keep from losing herself. While I was on my victory tour she sewed the curtains and a new bedspread for me. It’s a beautiful plum color and it makes the room much more cozy and inviting. Mom and I always try our best to make our home full of color to contrast how grey the district is. That way whenever we get home from a long day in the factories it’s an immediate breath of fresh air. We can almost instantly feel the dread of the day lift off our shoulders.

“You seemed to keep yourself busy” I say as she shows me the pillows in the living room.

“What else was I supposed to do to pass the time?” I laugh and smile so lovingly at her. It’s the first time I’ve been happy since getting reaped. I feel an overwhelming amount of relief that I never thought I’d get.

When she’s finished with the tour I follow her into the kitchen and sit at the table. We eat in a comfortable silence. Mom has always known whether I wanted to talk or not. She never tries to pry unless she knows it’ll help. It’s the first time in the while no one has expected anything of me.

A few days pass and I finally start to get a routine going. My mom goes off to work, thankfully not in the Peacekeeper factory, a different one where she makes an assortment of clothing and I start my morning by going just past the border to the shoreline. It’s the only place where grass grows since it’s far away from all the industrial fumes. I like to sit on the rocky beach and listen to the waves. I bring my sketchbook to work on designing clothes to make for the school children since I have the money to now. It’s something to do to keep me busy and help me feel like I’m doing something to help our community.

The walk home is long, but peaceful. I say hello to those moving on from one job to the next. One of the worst things that the Capitol does do the citizens in 8 is make everyone work long, grueling hours. When school lets out for the day the kids don’t get to go home and play. If there’s free time it means there’s time to work. Our labor is exploited and it’s unforgivable.

When I walk into the house it feels wrong. The air isn’t peaceful, it’s unsettling. It’s smells sickly sweet like roses. Everything seems to be in order, but the door to the study is ajar. I put down my bag and slowly walk through the hall making my way to the open door.

“There’s no need to sneak around in your own home. Please, come join me.” His voice is ice cold and it sends shivers up my spine.

“President Snow” I stiffly walk inside the study, “I apologize. I wasn’t expecting anyone to be home.” He’s sitting at the desk that hasn’t been touched since we moved it.

“Sit, I have some matters to discuss with you.” He gestures to the chair on the other side of the desk and I sit down, “I hope you enjoyed your victory tour.”

“Yes, sir. I did.” I clear my throat my uncomfortably and cross my arms to try and ground myself. I attempt to keep myself from digging my nails into my skin.

“Good, I’m pleased to hear that. I’ve heard lovely things about you. You’re well liked. Many of my colleagues have taken an interest towards you.”

“An interest, sir?” A pit opens in my stomach.

“Yes, Miss Fabelle. A sizable interest, in fact. And this is something that I cannot ignore. You see, these are the kinds of colleagues that sponsor the games and events such as your victory party.” He says as if it’s something I even wanted. He stands and starts to pace around the desk. The overwhelming smell of roses wafts back and forth with each turn. I can feel the nausea starting to grow. “The desire for you has grown quite large and I would hate to disappoint. I understand where they’re coming from. You are indeed a beautiful young woman. So, will you cooperate?” I could’ve gagged right then. He hasn’t said it outright, but I understand him clearly. These people want me. They want my body. His sinister smile grows when he notices how much I’m gripping onto my arms.

“I don’t have much of a choice, do I?” I say looking down at my lap. I know I don’t, but a small part of me hopes that if I ask he won’t make me. But that’s just a silly dream. To believe that I could have a choice in any of this. My body isn’t mine. My life isn’t mine. It all belongs to him.

“Of course you have a choice, Miss Fabelle.” He sits back down and my head shoots up to look him in the eye. “But certain choices have consequences. And it would be very unfortunate for perhaps, your mother, to deal with the consequences of your actions.” He sits back down, clearly satisfied with how this talk is going.

The nausea is only getting worse. My mother. He would kill my mother. The only person I have. The only person that I love. Not only is she important to me, she’s important to this district. She’s always been a strong force in the community. She helps those in need in any way she can. She stands up for what she believes in. She’s part of the rebellion that may or may not even come. If something were to happen to her it would end me, but it would also impact so many of those around me. I couldn’t live with myself if something were to happen to her.

“I understand, sir.” I speak so softly, so defeated.

“Good, I’m very pleased.” He stands up to leave, but not before leaving the flower from his coat pocket on the desk. I walk with him to the front door, trying to hold back the tears that are threatening to fall, and he takes a small look around the space. “Thank you for meeting with me, Miss Fabelle. I hope you are enjoying your new home. You seem to have settled right in. It’s very…eclectic. Oh, and I almost forgot to congratulate you on your victory. You did very well. Until next time.” He smiles so sickeningly and then finally leaves. How kind of him to congratulate me. As if him being proud would somehow fill me with such joy and satisfaction.

The nausea finally hits me with full force and I run to the bathroom to empty the contents in my stomach. The smell of stale roses still fills the air and it continues to make me gag. Once I feel well enough to get up, I brush my teeth and head to my room. I don’t even make it to my bed before I collapse, my sobbing overtaking my body. I feel so disgusting. How can this be allowed? How can they force me to kill other people’s children and then this? Is this what they think freedom is? I don’t have to worry about dying anymore, but I have to sell my body. And if I don’t, I have to fear for the life of the person I love most in the world? How am I supposed to do something so vile? How am I supposed to continue to survive like this? I feel like ripping my hair out. Like scratching at my skin until there’s nothing left but bone.

I rush into my bathroom and run a cold shower. I have to calm down. I have to find a way to live with this and keep my mother oblivious. The only way I know how to do that right now is by washing this whole afternoon off of me. Pretending none of it happened. And that’s what I’ll continue to do. When the time comes for me to visit the Capitol again, I’ll just pretend none of it is real. It’s all a dream. A sick, twisted, horrifying dream. And I’ll just have to go from there.

*°*°*°*°*°*°*°*°*°*°*°*°*°*°*°*°*°*°*°*°

Thank you so much for reading chapter 1! This is my first ever fanfiction that I’ve written so I know it’s far from perfect. I’m growing with my writing as I go, but I hope you still enjoy it! I appreciate any kind feedback!

tag list <3 (I tagged some of y'all who just liked the related posts so I hope thats okay)

@ghoulbabs @lusy98 @marvelescvpe @simplymurdock @marcyss @miserablebl00d @wife-of-all-dilfs @mrsnancywheeler

Next Chapter!

[lastwave]

Harry Du Bois, the skills + DID/OSDD coding

a compilation of most of my thoughts on harry as a system (note: i am system im not just like. pulling stuff out my ass)

1. Structural Dissociation Theory crash course

so for this point i'm going to give you a crash course structural dissociation theory (do not use me as a source for ur knowledge on it this is very like. base level and just to establish context)

structural dissociation states that we all start as multiple different facets, and that as we grow up, these facets all fuse into a cohesive personality. however, in DID/OSDD, ongoing trauma proves it safer to NOT fuse these facets and instead develop dissociative and amnestic barriers between them to varying degrees. these facets cope by developing into individual personalities, and if traumatic events persist, the brain may split more personalities to try and cope with this. this gives us two bits of information that i'm going to use throughout this

1. there is no "original", just alters that host for long periods of time and/or identify with the body the most

2. amnestic & dissociative barriers are fluid. in times of rest, these barriers may start to come down between some alters, but not necessarily all.

**NOTE: these are not hard and fast rules and vary from system to system. it's also vastly different if you have Polyfrag DID or Complex DID. since I don't hc Harry as polyfrag or complex tho, i'm not gonna get into that

2. Harry (the system)

so it's pretty easy to establish that harry has a good handful of childhood trauma. being born in a military hospital + town and growing up there means he probably saw and/or heard a lot of death and sickness. we also know his father left based on the logic passive in the measurehead conversation

we also know from the reaction speed passive when you find out your name that harry was born in a time all these were concerns. most likely, hunger, considering how through the game hunger + eating is an undertone w/ harry

we also have the klaasje half-light passive implying that harry's been raped (might not have occurred during childhood, but still a contributing factor to trauma)

my point being bro has enough childhood trauma and then some to create a system.

we also see a LOT of amnestic barriers between harry and the rest of the skills. besides the obvious not remembering anything, we see the skills remembering things that harry doesn't.

for example, EChem remembers that harry took speed some point recently, while harry himself doesn't

we also see that the skills have distinct personalities and opinions separate from each other. shit we've got a communist (rhetoric) and a fascist (endurance) living in the same fucking body. half light is immediately suspicious of everyone and everything while empathy tries to understand everyone even to their own detriment. and volition and echem need a whole post of their own. thats some pretty strong dissociative barriers

3. Harry (the alter)

to be quite honest with you i think harry as we, the audience, know him is a brand new split, an introject* of an old host that has either fused with another alter or gone dormant. he's trying to fill a different harry du bois's shoes- someone he is fundamentally similar to, but is, at his core, not

*Definition from did-research.org: Introjects are alters that are based off of an outside person or figure. Introjects may or may not see themselves as the individual that they represent.

knowing nothing about yourself, even what you look like, is a common feeling for new splits (in our experience). with the high amnestic barriers separating harry from the rest of the system, it makes sense that the first time he is conscious he is totally lost about his own identity, where he lives, or what his occupation even is.

losing facts about basic reality is probably a dissociative response. things the brain knows (see encyclopedia filling in gaps once given a prompt about something like Fillipe the Conquerer) but doesn't want the new host to know for fear of not being able to function.

4. Certain Alters with Functions

some of the skills fall into alter "archetypes" (not all alters will, even in like. real life systems) and im just gonna list them out here:

ones with subtextual backing:

Volition: Caretaker + Apparent Normal Part

Half-Light: trauma holder

Electro-Chemistry: symptom + trauma holder

Authority: protector

Logic: apparent normal part

ones that are just my headcanons:

Interfacing: little

Endurance: ex-persecutor

Inland Empire: ex-caretaker

here ends my post of articulate thoughts, if u have any like. follow up questions feel free to shoot me an ask. might take me a minute tho

[doylldonmagar]

So I saw @hermesmyplatonicbeloved 's post and had some thoughts. I agree and disagree. I am a percabeth fan but I also know that some of it is screwy, and if you are familiar with my blog, you know this. I think RR screwed up and wrote out a LOT of trauma, I think he really should have dealt with that better. I think it's not good that he wrote trauma and mental issues and abuse into the foundation of many characters and then has ignored it when it became convenient for the plot.

I would love to see specific quotes and books for these because some of them I have no memory of and would like to revisit them.

I'm gonna talk my way through all of this so I'm gonna text break here

The first point is Percy scaring her to tears. I can only imagine in Tartarus? Like when they're both in their worst state? I don't know. I agree they should have talked about it, but I think they should have talked about all of HoH, which brings me back to saying: Rick really failed at dealing with trauma and processing and long term effects. Honestly, being scared *of* him, yeah I agree that's bad, but is that the situation? If she's scared by his power, then I'm not sure of where I stand on this, I don't know anyone with demigod powers, but I don't think I'd be scared simply because I know someone is capable of hurting me. Plenty of people are capable of hurting me. Like I don't know, what situation is this?

"Percy has been suicidal the whole time annabeth has known him, in BoO Percy attempts suicide and annabeth said nothing, noticed nothing" I'd really like a page or quote because i remember him being suicidal but never attempting. (Im rereading what i wrote, is this maybe referring to percy deciding it would be better if he drowned when hes with Jason? If so, I thought the book said annabeth wasn't told that he wanted to give up) But really my bigger issue with this statement is the fact that it's not necessarily a bad relationship just because a person doesn't realize someone is suicidal, or if their suicidal thoughts are fluctuating. If he's been suicidal the entire time she's known him, how should she know? And why is it the girlfriend's job to stop him from suicide? Like yeah she should care, but that's not her responsibility. No one should feel responsible for a significant other's suicide unless they encouraged the SO to do it.

The judo flip, I agree, annabeth should have been more sensitive to Percy's past and again, I blame Rick for conveniently forgetting that an abused kid is not going to laugh or even take well to being thrown on the ground. This also reminds me of a post I made a while back, because I was so frustrated by media portrayals of women getting upset (usually worried) about another character and shaking them or hitting them or using some form of violence, and that's portrayed as acceptable and normal and as a sign of love. I'm not a fan of that.

"Annabeth likes to keep percy on his toes" this point, I want specific quotes, cause I'd like to go over it again. I agree this is funky. Percy says he feels more comfortable with annabeth and feels like he can talk to her blah blah, but yeah, I think I remember him saying she makes him anxious and that's a problem for me. Like genuinely, to anyone who reads this: if your SO makes you feel uncomfortable, anxious, nervous, or unsafe, please reevaluate your relationship and be safe. That's not good. And back to percabeth, I'm really not sure why RR would say that.

Bringing up abusive stepfather. If annabeth didn't already know about Gabe...I don't know, that says to me that percy was too traumatized to talk about it, in which case, why can annabeth see it in his actions, his comments, his reactions? I don't know that either. But I do know that having met my fair share of traumatized kids, it's not at all uncommon for them to share trauma as a joke and for multiple kids to laugh it off, not to mention suicidal jokes or jokes about their own abuse. Now I want to be clear, I'm not saying that's healthy, I think that's bad, but I also think it's common. And if annabeth doesn't realize what he's really talking about, or is caught up in her own experience, or is uncomfortable, laughing is not an uncommon response. And I don't think that makes their relationship toxic. (And I'm saying it again: I think Rick wrote that so that people could say oh poor percy and feel strongly about how horrible the situation is, but he didn't want to get into the trauma, so by annabeth laughing it off, he can move on with the scene but include little details that show how bad tartarus is)

I don't remember any comments about poseiden, but I agree her interactions with Tyson are problematic. I have zero explanation or excuse, I really don't know what rick was thinking with that, unless it was maybe a way to signify how all halfbloods feel about monsters? (Now that I've said that, that kinda makes sense, if percy sees a monster who was his human friend, but everyone else just sees a monster who is just like the other monsters who have killed their siblings. But still. Annabeth saying he was gross was uncalled for, Rick could have said she was scared or concerned this was a trick or something, but disgust?)

I agree about Percy's unresolved trauma manifesting as fear of annabeth. I already commented on the judo flip, see comments above.

Percy absolutely has horrible self asteem. I'm not sure that's annabeths problem. Yeah she should support him in every way she can, but it's not her responsibility or anyone else's to make him feel better about himself. She should want to, and she should be positive and encouraging, but I don't think Percy's lack of growth is her problem or necessarily a sign of a toxic relationship. It can be, but I'm not certain it is in this case. I think, as I'm sure you know if you've read this much, Rick doesn't know how to write characters who are further along in their trauma- processing, healing, discussing- rick fails to deal with anything besides a currently traumatized kid and a unresolved but out of the directly abusive situation. (This is where I'd like to note, the whole seaweed brain thing, not funny to me, not cute. I'm not a fan because I do think that encourages negative self image. I am aware that that could be link to annabeths childhood, but again, I would expect her to be hyperaware of this sort of emotional abuse. And I blame Rick. Why does she never have her actual abuse mentioned?)

I don't recall annabeth pushing percy to choose between them. I would have said she had doubts about him still wanting to go to CA and he said that he regretted not being there for Estelle but didn't want to be without annabeth (which is kinda cute, kinda codependent to me, and I agree, codependency is not cute)

I would argue the last point "Percy has no interest in going to New Rome or University" is clearly false. In SoN (2nd book of HOO) Percy discovers there are full families living in New Rome, and how it's safe there, and he says multiple times that he wants that, how he remembers he had a girlfriend named annabeth and he wants her to be there and wants to be able to settle down *there*. And in ChaliceotG he's torn, because he does want to stay in New York for his mom and sister, but he really wants to be with annabeth and he loves new Rome. He says multiple times how he wants to go to New Rome. Its true, if the only reason he wants to go is for annabeth, that's a bit funky. But new Rome is the safest place for demigods, and he's been in wars for years, of course he wants that. And wanting to be out of school- okay? New Rome isn't just about the university, not to mention the New Rome university is focused on kids with dyslexia and adhd, obviously. So it will be tailored to him, his struggles are understood, accepted, and aided. Who wouldn't see the appeal in that?

And finally, I agree, that if a character or couple is going to have broad reach, they should be healthy. That's a problem i have with Colleen hoover and all her toxic relationships that have a large audience and are so loved by that audience. And back to this, I hate that the pjo hoo couples are so focused on in the books because fans always pay attention to the couples, but the focus amplifies them, and I think having a relationship be the main focus of a kids/teen/ya book sets up horrible mindsets, and idolizes relationships and all in all is not good for kids. Percabeth or not, healthy or not, I don't think the emphasis on relationships is good.

I might link some of my other posts that I mentioned or that address similar issues in the reblogs

[junosmindpalace]

Im in love with your senku x reader writings

They are absolutely adorable🥺

Ive been sick for a whole week now and i still feel terrible

It made me wonder how Senku would act with reader being sick and bedridden?

And Senku is just near her side, watching over her?🥺

Maybe y/n collapses during all the hard work in the stone world, and turns out having a strong fever?

Watching her fall asleep, keeping her tucked in, handing her water etc

I think they would be the absolute cutest 🥺🥺

thank you so much for your request and patience! i hope you were able to recover quickly (me and my horrid timing…)!

--! warnings: sickness, anxiety(?)

--> wc: 1k

The shift from living in an advanced civilization to the stone age was massive and required a lot of adjusting. 

You were fortunate enough to exist in a time where everything you could ever want and need was easily accessible, from all the knowledge in the world at your fingertips to all sorts of items at your disposal. All your basic necessities could be easily met with a short walk to the supermarket. 

So when all of that turned upside down, it was a challenge to keep up.

The petrification took a large toll on you when you awoke from your lengthy slumber. You were powerless to save the people you loved and who brought you comfort. Most of your time was spent attempting to accommodate your new living circumstances, physically and mentally. 

Anxiety and panic was a constant in the back of your mind with so much unknown about the potential attack on mankind, and you were unable to soothe yourself with the hobbies you once enjoyed. Your physical health also suffered. Your diet had changed drastically, you were forced to take on a lot of labor in order to stay alive. 

But throughout it all, Senku made adjusting easier by helping you learn everything you needed to know to help you survive in your new environment. The two of you worked together to hunt, build shelter and tools and fashion clothing. Senku’s determination and upbeatness despite such a traumatic life altering event helped keep you sane. You didn’t need to strain yourself as much when Taiju and Yuzuriha later joined the group either, especially with Taiju’s endless stamina. 

When you and Senku split from your friends in order to establish alliances with other potential survivors, you came along a small village that also helped in terms of labor. You befriended and recruited many strong and resourceful people to help the both of you with your mission. Still, you were doing a lot. Your body didn’t have the time to gradually adjust to your new lifestyle. 

For a while, you were able to push through. For the sake of your survival, work took priority. But eventually, sometime after Ruri was cured, you couldn’t keep hitting ignore on your exhaustion, and eventually you felt the consequences of this action catch up to you.

It seemed that there was always something to do in Ishigami Village, which was unsurprising considering your circumstances. It was a particularly harsh sunny day, the sun beating down at the villagers who tried, futilely, to rid themselves of the discomfort the sun’s glare brought them.

“Particularly hot out today, huh, Senku?” Gen panted out from beside his scientist friend, the two both sharing uncomfortable looks on their faces. 

“It hasn’t been this hot in a while! We should make sure the children and elderly are alright.” Kohaku commented upon overhearing, putting a hand over her eyes to shield the sun’s rays and survey the villagers. Senku mimicked her not far away. 

“We won’t get much work done under these conditions. We should probably-” Senku had started, but a thud interrupted his train of thought. Everyone turned toward the sound to find you had collapsed and lied unconscious on the ground. 

Immediately your friends were at your side, the strongest villagers, Kohaku and Magma, carrying you into one of the huts in the village. After Senku assessed you, he realized to his horror that you had come down with a strong fever. In the modern world, a cold was nothing to stress over, especially at your age. But with the change in…everything, it was a lot more concerning, especially since Ruri had almost died of pneumonia.

Luckily, the Kingdom of Science’s sulfa drug was successful, but the downside was that it needed time to create again. In the meantime, your friends did everything they could to accommodate your sickness, Senku being at the forefront of it all.

Kohaku delivered spring water like she did in order to help with Ruri’s sickness, and Chrome, along with Suika and other villagers, would collect various supplies Senku advised him of to help with your recovery- food, materials for medical tools and the like. Senku stayed by your side throughout it all, making sure to assess you regularly and work to get the panacea done as soon as possible.

It was uncomfortable enough being sick in the modern world, but with the amount of pain you were in from your fever along with not being able to enjoy your old comforts, the fever took a higher toll on you than expected.

Senku stayed by your side to soothe you the best ways he knew how. He used his knowledge of science to create whatever forms of entertainment he could, and having another person from your time was also a comfort. He did his best to make you laugh and help keep you out of your panicked mindset.

At the peak of your illness, and when your anxiety was at its highest, Senku stayed by your side and watched over you until you fell asleep, sometimes lingering in the house or setting up his own sleeping bag beside. He convinced himself it was for your peace of mind, but deep down, being near you and able to quickly respond to anything alarming also helped put his heart and mind at ease.

“You’ll be okay, Y/N. You’ll recover from this, I’m ten billion percent certain of it. Get your rest.” He’d tell you with all the confidence in the world, and it was hard not to believe him when his words were so firm and full of certainty. 

Senku would lean over and tuck you in, insisting that it was important that you kept yourself warm. He helped you drink water when you were too weak to do so yourself, and encouraged you to sleep a lot in between meals.  

Your sickness put you out of commission for work for a while before the medicine was finished, and even after taking the medicine, your body still needed to adjust after having been used to more modern ones. 

Eventually your fever symptoms slowly started to lessen, and through the hot spring water, food and other things, along with Senku’s assessments of your condition, you were back on your feet feeling reborn. Senku made sure to continue monitoring you from time to time, and told you to come to him if you were ever feeling down again, both physically and mentally (because as much as you wanted to avoid worrying him, his attentive eye and big heart always manage to see through you).

[abbs-writes]

talk too much | part 2 | Spencer Reid

Warnings: ⚠️ MAJOR TRIGGER WARNINGS ⚠️ mentions of depression, self hatred, suicidal ideation, pills, mentions of taking pills, overall very very very depressing

Authors note: hi hi! So this part is very depressing so please read at your own risk, remember you mental health matters and I won't be hurt if you can't read it or don't even want to. But im thinking about writing a part 3 with a happy ending but im not sure yet! I'll let yall know!

Spencer was right when he thought you'd change. You changed so quickly it scared him. He hated how quiet you were now. You didn't have any snarky comebacks anymore, you didn't make jokes with him anymore. You were so quiet it was alarming. He understood why, going through something so traumatic changes you as a person. It had only been a week but he still hoped he could get through to you. He would try everything in his power too.

You spent a lot of time in bed, resting of course but even after that you refused to move from your shared bed. You spent a lot of time looking out the window trying to remember how it all happened so you wouldn't mess up like that again. But you couldn't remember no matter how hard you tried, it made your head hurt how much you tried. Spencer found you like this every morning, knees brought up to your chest as you stared out the window. This morning was no different. "Hey," he said softly. You hummed in response, eyes not leaving the window as you stared at the raindrops falling down the glass. "Do you want breakfast? I can-" he started but you shook your head, "not hungry," you mumbled. "You didn't have dinner last night, you need to eat." He said but you just shrugged. "I'll make you something before I leave." He said.

He really didn't want to leave but he had missed a week of work and they needed him back. He made some waffles, just the ones you stick in the toaster. He brought them to you, setting them on the bedside table. "You know, if you need me to I can stay." He said but you didn't answer, too caught up in your own thoughts to care. "Like if you don't feel safe, I can stay." He added but there was still no response. He felt uneasy, so uneasy he wanted to call in, say something came up and you needed him but he couldn't. "I'll be back before you know it, okay?" He said but once again, you didn't give him a response. He left even though his gut told him not to.

You didn't touch the waffles, you didn't feel like eating. You could see yourself declining, as if watching yourself from outside of your body. You could see it, you could feel it, but you couldn't stop it. All you could do was sit and let it happen. You wanted to beg for help, tell Spencer you needed him but your mind wouldn't let you. You talked too much. You begged too much. You were too much. You knew you were. Deep down you knew it was just your mind repeating the words of a bat shit crazy unsub but yet, you didn't have it in yourself to fight the thoughts off.

It took you almost two hours to get out of bed and away from the nasty thoughts in your head. You stood up, holding your sore stomach. You had burns from the taser, a nasty reminder of what happened to you. You walked to the bathroom but as you entered you wished you hadn't. You saw yourself in the mirror, you looked horrible, tired. Not to mention the fading bruise on your face from being hit in the head and subdued. Your body still ached from everything that happened. You gripped the bathroom sink, you didn't want to live like this, you didn't want to look like this. You were starting to spiral and you could feel it.

You couldn't bring yourself to shower, too achy to care. You stumbled off to the kitchen, you needed water. Your hands were so shaky as you grabbed a glass. You almost immediately dropped it, watching it shatter on the floor. You closed your eyes tightly, your eyes watering. "Please," you whispered, you weren't even sure why. You stepped back carefully after opening your eyes. You didn't have it in you to clean it up, you didn't even want water anymore. You walked back to the bedroom with shaking hands. You crawled back into bed, pulling the covers over you as you stared out the window. You couldn't live like this.

Somehow, someway, you felt like a failure. Like you had let someone down, like you had let spencer down and now he was having to deal with you. You felt like a burden, a problem, a puzzle with so many pieces missing that you would never be put back together. This wasnt Spencer's problem to solve, it was yours. You glanced at the bedside table and your heart sank. "No," you whispered, closing your eyes and shaking your head. "No, I-I don't want to do that," you whispered, tears spilling from your eyes. You hated yourself for what you were thinking, it was a permanent solution for what could be a temporary problem. You could work through it, you knew that, but you wondered if it was truly worth it. To make Spencer go through all this pain with you. He didn't deserve that. Your eyes opened again. You wished that bottle wasn't in your line of sight so you pushed the bottle off the table and let it clatter to the floor, the pills spilling everywhere.

"Please," you kept whispering to yourself, hoping to go the thought would go away. You were plagued with so much and you didn't need suicidal ideation added to the list. You grabbed your pillow, stuffing your face in it as you cried. You wanted to cry, you wanted to wear yourself out so you'd sleep, so you wouldn't think about what you wanted to do. You didn't need to put Spencer through that, he's been through so much and you didn't wanna add your death to that list. You clutched onto the pillow for dear life. "Please, i don't wanna do this," you cried, begging to no one but your own thoughts.

Spencer didn't feel good leaving you. It pained him, hurt him, scared him. So he left early. He went back home, opening the door, "I'm back!" He called out. He set his bag down, noticing the broken glass on the floor. "Y/n?" He called out, examining the broken glass but there were no signs of blood. He left it as he walked to the bedroom. "Y/n!" He saw you on the floor and he quickly ran over to you. You held a pillow in your lap as you cried. "Y/n, did you take these?" He asked, looking at the pills and counting them to make sure they were all accounted for. You shook your head, "n-no but i wanted to. Spencer I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry," you cried. "Hey, it's okay," he pushed the pills away and moved to sit next to you. He pulled you into his arms as you cried. "I-I need help Spencer, im sorry." You sobbed. "Don't be sorry, okay? That's what I'm here for, im here to help, okay?" He said. He knew he might not be equipped for all the things you needed help with but he was going to try. "Spence, i need- I need professional help." You sobbed into his arms. "Okay, we can do that. We can find you a therapist, maybe a psychiatrist. We'll get it all worked out, okay?" He cooed, stroking your hair. "I'm sorry," was all you could say. You felt so bad, you felt horrible for making him go through this. "Don't ever be sorry, okay? I got you. We can get through this. I'll be right by your side every step of the way." He said, kissing your forehead. He held you as you cried, refusing to let go even after you stopped crying. He would never let you go through this alone. You would always have him, whether you knew it or not.

[s3raphimssins]

i need soulmate AU Dazai x fem!reader

The soulmate can be match up however you'd like, btw if you like angst you can make it ansty but I'd like the ending to be fluff!!

Tysm!

ˏˋ°•*⁀➷summary: when all hope is lost in the midst of the darkness there is light...but what if that life was a person?

ˏˋ°•*⁀➷pairings: Dazai x fem!reader (soulmate au)

ˏˋ°•*⁀➷warnings: angst/fluff, mentions of torture, mentions of killing, abit of gore?

ˏˋ°•*⁀➷Felix's note: omg! I love this i was going to make a soulmate AU this is perfect! I hope you like it! sorry i took too long I was giving midterms <3 heart divider by: @cafekitsune <3 w.c: 1.1k

⋇⊶⊰❣⊱⊷⋇

it was weird.

was it an ability? a disease? who knew. There was this thing going around in Yokohama about soulmates. There were a lot of symptoms and one by one you felt them. All of them.

┊┊.number 1: the closer you are the warmer you get.

you heard people outside the agency through the window talking about how cold they were feeling all the time. Saying its sad that their soulmate has to be so far. But you. You were always warm. While they were wearing sweaters to protect them from hypothermia. You were doing the opposite.

"what wrong angel, need to take your mind off me~" Dazai teased.

"you wish" you sighed and went back to your report. "and for the record I have a name so consider using it."

he chuckled and strolled away. You felt a warm feeling when he talked to you. Nothing out of the ordinary. This was going on since months. Nothing you couldn't brush off.

┊┊.number 2: you feel their pain. physically.

"OUCH!" you hissed.

Immediately Naomi came to help "oh my gosh whats wrong are you okay!?" she held you for support. "is it the soulmate thing?!"

"did he just get punched in the gut or something?!". You couldn't help but feel cold. Dazai was missing for a few days now ever since he went out. The agency could care less. You could care less. But you couldn't help but feel drawn to him. His silly jokes. His teasing. The day felt empty without hi. Maybe you should go looking for him. He's Dazai after all. Probably got all busted up by the mafia. (yes, yes he did)

┊┊.number 3: the first thing they thought about when they saw you appears on your arm and only goes away once you fall inlove with eachother

"look at hers!" the agency were busy pointing to other peoples arms which was clearly readable. You looked with them. Amazed by this. Also distraught by some things that were written. You checked your watch for the time and...wait...was this there?

'pretty eyes'

you turned red and desperately attempted to cover it with you sleeve and sat down trying to calm yourself. Kunnikida noticed and asked "are you okay?"

"yeah, yeah im fine" you hid your face in your hands. until Ranpo screamed.

"her soulmate thinks she has pretty eyes!". Ofcourse you couldn't hide it. Everyone gasped and some laughed. They ran to you to see the imprint up close. Dazai stood in the back looking at a mark he got not too long ago 'flirt'. He had already figured it out. He figured it out ever since he felt warm around you.

He loved you. But did you love him? Was he your soulmate? This thing tells you your soulmate but never guarantees them being your soulmate? He didn't deserve a soulmate. After all hes done. He deserved to die alone. You had another soulmate. And he would be left alone. Just like he thought. He sighed turned around and left.

┊┊.number 4: your dreams are their memories.

you woke up with a tear stained face. Breathing heavy. A nightmare. A very bad one. You were in the mafia? But you have always been in the agency? You weren't the one getting tortured but. You were torturing them? You've been having these nightmares alot. Sometimes the boss was manipulating you. Sometimes you were killing.

Why were you having these dreams. You would never kill someone. That innocent man had such a traumatized face and you killed him in the most brutal way ever. You made him bite the stairs. You smashed his jaw. And shot him thrice. A mafia traitors punishment. But why were you seeing it? Who would do such a thing? This is why you swore to never join the mafia.

┊┊.number 5: you feel what they feel, but this time emotionally

you always felt drained. You hated this? You aren't like this. You never felt anything now. There was this constant guilt in your chest. You never felt empathy now when you were on missions. You were distressed that you weren't feeling anything. This isn't you. Why was this happening. Oh. Your soulmate. That made you sadder at the thought. The thought that your soulmate goes through this everyday. You want to see him. Hug him. This is terrible, someone feeling like this. Who could deal with this?

⋇⊶⊰❣⊱⊷⋇

A month had passed like this, Everything was the same. Except Dazai had changed. He didn't flirt with you, he didn't even talk to you. He even avoided talking you with him on a mission. Why is he acting like this. Its really bugging you.

Now that you thought about it. You did the same. Avoided him. Never spent time with him. Never offered to do anything for him. It was like now you two had the same personality and did the same thing. It was a silent mutual agreement that happened you don't even remember when. Did it even happen? Why did it happen even if it did.

Now you crossed eachothers paths like you don't know one another.

Like right now. You were outside getting some stuff and he was out to do you don't know what but you saw him walking infront of you. Without a hi, without a hello, no how are you you walked right past eachother. Just like you always di-

┊┊.number 6: and when things will be lost a red string will connect you two that will never break.

You turned around and looked at him. He did the same. Your eyes pen wide. His breathing stopped. A red string on your pinky that connected to his finger. You looked at the string and looked at him. He did the same. You dropped whatever was in your hands and ran to him and hugged him. He didn't say anything but hugged you back. Those dreams were his memories, those feelings were what he felt, you felt warm because he was near. He was the one who thought you had pretty eyes.

"im so..sorry..." you whispered in between sniffles.

he smiled and pat your head soothing you hair and kissed your forehead. " You don't have to be, im sorry too"

"if only i could i would absorb your pain and return it to you as love -louise kaufmann" you said and smiled at him

"its you...it was always you" he whispered.

and thats why with pain and suffering comes rest in the end.

⋇⊶⊰❣⊱⊷⋇

[humongousgothskeletonfarm]

TSC CHAPTER ELEVEN SPOILERS AHEAD

STARTING OFF THE CHAPTER STRONG AS FUCK DISASTER BISEXUAL JEAN MOREAU AWARENESS

picturing jean in a pair of raybans is good for my mental health

-

“Missed a couple spots. Need a hand?”

jeremy u flirt

-

do the trojans ever realise that jean is NOT IN FACT deaf and standing right in front of them when they are talking about him?

-

oh ok so chapter 11 is in fact worse than chapter 10

if anyone reading this has ever believed that they deserved the abuse, trauma/suffering they’ve experienced, i’m here to tell u right now that nobody deserves that and it is not ever ur fault, no matter what others might say or try to convince u. whatever happened to u is unequivocally not ok. please seek help from a professional if u are worried about urself or others in ur life.

if u have ever felt uncomfortable or violated in certain situations just know that no matter how ‘big’ or ‘small’ the situation may seem (i use these terms loosely because i do not believing in ranking peoples traumas), ur feelings are 100% valid and u always always deserve to be respected and heard.

i hope u know that u are not alone and never will be.

sending lots of love to all of u

-

wtff jenkins is a girl?? did we all know this or have i just read too many fanfics always thought jenkins was a guy?

-

It was sacrilegious even in the privacy of his head, and Jean hunched his shoulders against a blow that never came.

fuck that’s a good line. traumatic as fuck and makes me wanna cry for all these boys have gone through but god as an ex-catholic raised queer person i can tell u this line struck hard even though i cant relate to the specifics of the scene

-

Jean didn’t mind cooking, but he didn’t say that. This was the first time his room truly felt safe and right, and he was content to hold onto it for as long as he could. He closed his eyes again, but now his thoughts were snagged on Jeremy. At length he broke the silence to say, “Two beds would fit in here.”

jean moreau u are so loved

-

“You are not them,” Jean said. “Kevin would not have sent me here if you were.”

THE PARALLELS IN THIS BOOK ARE FUCKING KILLING ME PLS NORA LET ME LIVE IN PEACE THIS IS TOO MUCH FOR ME TO HANDLE

ANDREIL EXISTS IN EVERYTHING

-

Just because he had to meet with this man didn’t mean he had to speak to him.

jean, u diss aaron earlier in the books but really ur just the same as him

-

betsy dobson to the mother fuckibg rescue someone get this bitch a ‘worlds best therapist’ mug

and jean, dude do u know how fucking similar u and neil are, seriously like u guys should be besties like-

“It was not my choice,” he sent back in warning. “I do not need counseling.” He didn’t trust her at all, but there was no point spelling it out.

CHAPTER TWELVEE

dude wtf is it with me and napping while tryna finish this book, literally just accidentally fell asleep for 2.5 hrs when i could’ve been reading

-

“Imagine getting changed so we can practice,” Jean said.

king is fed uppp

-

“It’s not about size, anyway.” ​“Defensive,” Jean said, tugging his glove straps with his teeth. ​Jeremy straightened in indignation. “I don’t have anything to be defensive about.” Jean lost his grip and bit his lip, and Jeremy hurried on before either of them could think too much about that double entendre.

OKKKK JEREMY I SEE U

-

“That’s not—I do care. I want you to play with us, and I want you to have fun again. I want to see what you can do on the court and what you bring to our defense line. I want us to finally win this year after coming so close and failing too many times. But it’s just a game, Jean. Your safety and happiness will always be more important than our season.”

GOOD GOD ITS WHAT U DESERVE JEAN

-

“Every time you say that you take a year off my life. I’d really like to live to ninety, so please knock it off.”

now the trojans understand how the foxes feel when neil whips out his ‘im fine’ line,, also i’m never gonna stop saying that neil and jean should be besties it’s literally just a fact

“I do not believe you when you are drinking such filth,” Jean said, with a disapproving look toward her drink. Laila stared him down as she sucked a long gulp through the straw,

this book is so devastatingly depressing and explores some of the most horrible traumatic things that could happen to a person but it’s interspersed with some of the funniest scenes that it gives me whiplash

-

“Pat and Ananya have wanted to fuck Cody’s brains out for almost a year now. I really thought Cody moving in with them this summer was going to finally get that ball moving, but apparently not. It’s getting kind of pitiful.” ​“Pat and Ananya have been engaged almost as long as Cody has known them,” Laila pointed out as she fit herself against Cat’s side. “You can’t blame Cody for being scared of where they might belong in something like that.”

NORA GIVING US THE POLYAMORY WE DESERVE AFTER CUTTING KANDREIL FROM THE OG BOOKS LETS GO QUEER REP

YK THAT RUNNING JOKE THAT USC IS THE QUEEREST TEAM AND NOBODY HAS AS MANY GAYS AS THEY DO??? IM SO FUCKIBG HAPPY NORA HAS BASICALLY MADE THAT CANNON

-

CHAPTER 13333

jeremy is so hopelessly crushing on jean and that’s real of him

meanwhile jean:

Threat assessment, he told himself, and it was almost the truth.

sureee buddy

-

They’d arrived holding hands and dressed in matching cream-and-teal outfits. Even their gold-rimmed sunglasses and teal sneakers were identical.

well that is definitely an outfit!

-

“Speaking of happy endings, has Laila bought you a sex toy yet?”

EXCUSE ME

this whole scene was so fucking random but jean deserves great friendships

-

ANOTHER TRANS TROJAN LETS FYCKING GOOOOOO CONGRATS ON UR TOP SURGERY XAVIER

-

‘i’m sure the ravens wouldn’t have taken neil in if they’d known he was the son of a mob boss!!’

uhhhhh…

i don’t know how to tell u this buddy

-

dude i just cannot stop think about the whole new world of fanfics we’re gonna get now that tsc has come out like the aftg universe is expanding and becoming more detailed it’s gonna be crazy

chapter 14!!!

-

Jean eyed him. “For what purpose?” ​Jeremy looked to the ceiling for patience. “For fun.” ​Jean sighed as if Jeremy was the one being unreasonable.

oh jean we’ll get there eventually

-

Jean was a starving dog on a short chain who’d learned years ago not to bite back.

OH MY FUCKING GOD GIVE ME PEACE

MY CHEST IS ACHING AT THIS METAPHOR

-

SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP THE PARALLELS ARE DESTROYING ME I CANT FUCKING TAKE IT ANYMORE

“You are Jean Moreau. Your place is here with me, with us. I’m your captain. You’re my partner. We’re supposed to be doing this together, aren’t we? Stop leaving me behind. Look at me.”

-

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry that he hurt you, I’m sorry that you’re still afraid to talk about it, and I’m sorry that you think I’ll never understand. I’m sorry that he tricked you into thinking you deserved it. But I’m not sorry he’s gone. I can’t be.”

“Neither am I.”

TEAR MY HEART OUT AND STOMP ON IT NORA JESUS CHRIST

-

everytime one of the trojans says ‘we’re here to listen whenever your ready to talk and open up to us’ and then they go and demand he tell them every secret he’s ever kept

-

kevin and jeans relationship in this book is so fucking well written, it’s tearing me apart and giving me so much life

they have so much shared trauma and the relationship is so complex but they understand eachother so deeply

He is not used to having a voice, and he has never had power. I cannot promise he will ever talk to you.” ​“I will wait as long as it takes,”

“Be careful with it,” Kevin said. “Be careful with him.”

-

“Night practices with Andrew and Neil,” Kevin said. ​“Obsessed,” Jeremy

exy fiend kevin day representation

also

“No, Jean is fine. As fine as he can be, anyway. Yes, I know.” (kevin when talking to someone ‘offscreen’) i just know he was talking to neil

-

She crossed the room and leaned over, catching Jean’s head in her hands so she could plant a kiss to the top of his head.

this is the love jean deserves

chapter 15:

“Your fourth line has a smart mouth, Coach,” Jean said. “I was hoping he would bite his tongue off in the fall and save us both some grief in the long run.”

jean i love u

-

Jean wished he had the common sense to shut up,

he’s so me

-

“And keep Kevin’s name out of your ignorant mouth,”

THEYRE SO IMPORTANT TO ME UR HONOUR

-

i keep forgetting that jean only learnt english after he moved into evermore and that kevin probably taught him but i love the subtle little reminders every now and then when he has to clarify a word, like when he has to ask what a ‘floozy’ is and:

due to egregious injuries.” ​Jean didn’t recognize that word, but since Lucas was already running his mouth, he didn’t get a chance to ask.

it’s such a good detail that just adds so much more depth to his character

-

“Permission to break his face, Coach?” Jean asked. ​“Denied,” White said.

SCREAMING

THIS IS SO NEIL AND WYMACK CODED I LOVE IT

-

JEAN MOREAU ON A MOTHERFUCKING MOTORCYCLE HOLY SHIT

catalina alvarez u wonderful human i love u

-

jean realising how big the world is and the fact that he’s explored more of california than any other place he’s been before is making me tear up he never should’ve been kept trapped inside he deserves to see the world

-

So long as she existed as fractured memories, she was safe and small and sheltered.

oh god don’t do this to me

-

Jean gazed out at the endless horizon, feeling small and infinite from one moment to the next.

beautiful, just beautiful, absolutely immaculate

A cool evening breeze. Rainbows. Open roads.

A COOL EVENING BREEZE. RAINBOWS. OPEN ROADS

-

SECOND LAST CHAPTER!!! LETS GOOO

“He is not going to hit you. Okay? We don’t do that here. You said you’d try to do better and that’s enough for us.”

starting off strong

-

You’re one of my kids now.

don’t mind me i’m just sobbing

-

no no no no no no no no no

holy shit no what the fucking fuck

don’t do this to jean rn oh my fucking god i’m sick to my stomach on the verge of fully crying right now

actually dreading reading on right now

-

um ok yeah so i read it and to anyone who hasn’t finished the book yet beware there is a graphic violent scene followed by an intense panic attack in chapter 16 that’s is very difficult to read

i did cry and all i can say is thank fuck for lisinski’s timing

-

Jeremy’s response was low but unhesitating: “I will not look away.” ​“I do not want you to look.” ​It frightened him how much it sounded like a lie,

-

only redeeming part of this chapter is that neil’s back but i’m still in so much shock over what’s just happened that i cant properly appreciate him

chapter 17 the finale:

feeling incredibly somber as i reach the end of the book

please god destroy anyone who has ever hurt jean moreau

-

nora’s really filling in all the plot holes left from aftg - why did nobody question why neil’s hair was dyed after evermore ????? why did nobody question neil being at evernote in the first place???

-

i’m laughing at neil’s map print-outs he’s so uncool, also i keep forgetting this is still meant to be 2007

-

jean-yves moreau oh my fucking god

-

“says who?” Stuart asked. “The dead kid?

stuart hatford u are so funny, is this where neil inherited is sarcasm from?

stuart hatford says fuck riko and so do i

-

Neil shrugged. “Do you have anyone who can take on local work?”

NEIL JOSTEN U ARE MY HERO I LOVE U U BADASS MOTHER FUCKER

-

Neil offered her a disarming smile that would never sit quite right on his face.

devouring these scraps about my boy

-

YOOOO WTF NORA RLLY JUST WANTED TO GIVE JEAN THE WORST FUCKING DAY HE COULD POSSIBLY HAVE HUH?? JUST DROPPED THE FACT THAT HIS SISTER IS DEAD MY POOR BOY

-

Neil filled in the finer details with an ease that would have been impressive to listen to any other day

- yes neil is incredibly smart, thank u jean for confirming to us

-

The only thing left to ask for was something he barely understood: “I want to go home.”

oh the complicated nature of home and one’s sense of belonging that persists throughout these books will never fail to make me feel absolutely everything. nora knows exactly what i want in a book

-

“I can see the kitchen. There should be a door out to where the dumpsters are. We can make it back to the garage from there.”

to be loved by neil josten is to be offered a way to evade the fbi together

-

“Tedious,” Neil said. “I’m trying to eat.”

my hero

Neil waited until he was done before deciding he wanted to finish his drink. Neither agent was impressed with their absolute lack of urgency,

i love u neil josten pls give me ur autograph

Neil, being the person he was, pointed at the fire hydrant adjacent to its front bumper and said, “That’s illegal, just so you know.” ​“Shut up and get in the car.”

i wish neil josten was real

-

He couldn’t fear a government who was so easily infiltrated and manipulated

FUCK THE GOVERNMENT

-

Neil flipped his takeout box open and started eating. “I’m allowed to visit people.”

he’s everything to me 🥰

-

“You’re one to accuse others of intolerable attitudes,” Browning said, and Neil only shrugged indifference.

and—for once—without any of your usual bullshit.”

- browning u love him just like the rest of us don’t lie rn

-

ngl i’m never getting over the fact that jean and neil are the same age like this is crazy to me nora whyd u have to do this i cant cope

-

“The more people I hold onto, the less of a threat I am, because I won’t want to endanger them by acting out.”

oh neil look how far uve come, i’m so proud

-

“Lock your door tonight if it will help, but Grayson will never bother you again.”

THANK U LORD FOR THE BRILLIANT NEIL JOSTEN HES ANSWERED MY PRAYERS U BEAUTIFUL WONDERFUL HUMAN IM SO THANKFUL FOR UR PRESENCE

all my favourite bamf! neil fics have him taking out a hit on someone for the benefit of the people he loves and i’m so glad that’s canon

-

i’m going fucjing crazy i didnt think it was possible to love neil anymore than i already do

best friends ❤️

-

jean tearing up and throwing away the notebooks and realising he trusts the trojans and the four of them going to eat one of cats new recipes after they waited up last midnight for him

A COOL EVENING BREEZE RAINBOWS OPEN ROADS AND FRIENDS

!!!!!

I CSNT BELIEVE ITS OVERRRRR I HAVE SO MANY THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS HOLY FUCK

[pathologicalreid]

Girlie (gn) you hate Maeve? You have good taste I see, I fucking hated her (well strongly disliked but still) mary sue is such a perfect term, she was just boring and I feel Spencer felt so wet and weepy with her

i don't hate maeve so much as i hate the maeve plotline! i think strongly dislike is a really good phrase to use when talking about my feelings towards maeve's character.

as a character, she's super flat and one dimensional. i think she and spencer were "together" for eight months(?) and the episode where you learn the most about her is the one where she fucking dies. i've spent all day thinking about this and im beginning to think that part of the reason why she is a mary sue is that spencer tends to put people he cares about on pedestals and ignores their flaws.

and youre like "what flaws does she have if you barely know anything about her" and okay i'll tell you:

b-12 and magnesium as a treatment for migraines is fucking insane. i'm not saying it couldn't work, but all through season 6 (re: 6x12 "corazon") spencer is seeing doctors and anyone who has ever dealt with a fuckass chronic disease/illness will tell you that a blood panel like that would be one of the first steps in reaching a diagnosis!!!

why on god's green earth would you have a stalker, be dating an fbi agent, and not let your fbi agent boyfriend help you? i have been stalked before!!!! it's not fun!!!!! i'd take all the help i could've gotten at the time. this has always rubbed me the wrong way because oh my god the solution was right there the whole time. he could have protected you! he would have protected you!

i know they weren't technically doctor/patient but there is still some weird power dynamic in their relationship that gives me the ick. other than they're smart and they read, they really dont have much in common.

their relationship to me is equivalent to the girl i dated online after we met through percy jackson fan accounts. i.e. not really a relationship. most of their interaction was off screen and i think that did a huge detriment to the plot.

in the end, i think the maeve storyline and 8x12 "zugzwang" is a hard watch. i can't take it seriously. i'd skip it, but then i'd miss so much blake content (and hotch looks so good in that episode sorry spencer) (not into the fuckass bob in season 8). at the same time, i know it was like... mgg's idea and i'm pretty sure he's friends with beth riesgraf. (he loves to traumatize himself idk). but the whole thing gets messier when you think about the implications left by 14x15 "truth or dare" and the abhorrent jeid plot in season 15 where it's insinuated that spencer has been in love with jj for fifteen years (zoinks) and it's like what about maeve??? i don't know man (gn) i could go on for hours about this

that being said, i see a lot of people not liking the actress who plays maeve. i am telling you that it had to have been the writing or the directing in the episodes because beth riesgraf is incredible. she played a character named parker in the tv show leverage (one of my favorite tv shows of all time) and let me tell you That Is Her Role.

jesus this was long i had more to say than i thought sorry thank you anon

[sugar-omi]

Hello ! I was mentally torturing myself and I thought that I could share my heart wrenching thoughts. (No I'm not utterly traumatized, in a good way I promise, by the cheating on Cove with Baxter fic.)

Buuut... in step 3, if we like Cove and didn't confess he does. It's an adorable moment however, Cliff's reaction about our new baby couple left me wondering. He says that MC and Cove's relationship will either end up with the breakup of a lifetime or a marriage. Even if, it is meant to be a lighearted comment, it says a lot. So don't you think that MC's could feel pressured (by their family) to date Cove, even if they like him ? MC could be in love while also being so confuse about their feelings for him and being unable to say if they're just trying to fulfill their families wishes.

That was a lot, so feel free to answer or not. Sorry for my English and have a good day ! :p

no bc i think about this a lot, but in the way of how would i act if this was actually my life? n i also think about loving cove so much, it feels like an obsession, loving him so much that it chokes you up.. i just get this so much n im really glad you brought this up bc i wasn't sure how to bring it up myself!!!

tags : Angst / Hurt/Comfort, ramble. a very big ramble.

synopsis : MC is very overwhelmed by their feelings for cove, and the expectations of others.

your whole life has been this small town, this sleepy street out of an even sleepier town. the most excitement and life you get is from your neighbor, someone who has always been there since life began to matter.

and even if you have a bunch of friends from school, there's a big difference between them and someone you see every morning and before bed.

you have to find opportunities to see them, to see derek, to see lee, but seeing cove tomorrow is always guaranteed.

so it's obvious you'll catch feelings for him, and if those feelings turn to love, it's such a strong feeling for someone so young. it's a feeling that'll drown you, choke you up, it keeps you up at night and you feel like you could cry because everything about cove is so perfect, he's so lovely and kind and he turns what could be a nightmare into a dream.

but it's such a fragile feeling, and it takes something so small to break it.

even if it's obvious, so obvious that cove loves you back, especially when he asks you on a date. but just like he's worried about, what if this feeling between you is just because of how small this town is, and the even smaller distance between you and him.

and that your families are only so close because your parents have been conspiring on you two since before you even knew of each others existence.

and that you have only had this many opportunities to fall in love because his dad bribed you to be his son's friend, your parents urging you to be kind to the new neighbor, your sisters insistent teasing about your 'baby boyfriend', lee asking about the obvious tension between you when you're 13 and can't even breathe the same air without blushing.

even derek asking if you like anyone, and you can't forget baxter asking how long you and cove have been living together...

there's no way that the nosy neighbors and passerby's haven't made comments about you and cove. i won't even bring up your school mates, who are probably relentless about how close you are.

someone definitely tells you that cove likes you. and tells cove that you like him.

as if you didn't know, as if it wasn't so obvious there was something.

so many people dangling this tension in front of your face, teasing you, prodding you. so many people, especially the older folk, anticipating the obvious. or what they think is an obvious ending to the story of two neighbors.

it's scary. because what if this feeling is just anxiety? what if this feeling is just built off all the nights you fantasized about him? built off all the times your sister visualized your wedding to cove over dinner.

what if the heat in your cheeks is just because your classmates are yelling across the hall about you liking cove, or cove liking you.

what if it's just because the teacher is telling you two to "get a room" or "you can makeout later, get to class!"

and god the way cove looks at you. the way he acts around you, the things he does for you.. it just makes your heart flutter more. so much more

but it also scares you. what if you disappoint him? ruin what you have? it terrifies you. and your feelings terrify you even more.

you're so in love with him you feel like you could fly. you would give him the world, sun, moon, and stars. you'd hand it all over to him on a silver platter, and still give him more.

it's all scary.

such intense feelings, and so many expectations. all that combined with your overthinking, your fears that eat you up in the night.

you can't be at fault for not confessing, or rejecting cove. but why does it hurt so much?

it haunts you for a long time, the guilt, the look on cove's face, trying to avoid why there's awkward tension between you... but i hope you get over it. even if you don't, i hope you realize why you did it

it was easier to dissect your emotions from everything else once you've had a chance to grow and experience life outside sunset bird.

and your and cove's worries about your relationship and feelings only being true and sturdy because of all the adults around you urging you together, is easily found false (to an extent, everyone still brags about setting up certain events to get you two close) when you two are still a thick as thieves

so if you or cove confess in between step 3-4, or you or him confess in step 4, i hope you feel comfortable accepting it now that you don't feel as much pressure having a happy ending with cove

and even if you do, you're the only one cove will want, so take your time, and maybe this time, you can get through your fears with a little communication this time?...

[genderkoolaid]

hi! your blog's been encouraging to me as a trans guy, but i've recently felt that i should no longer call myself that/should just "go back to" being a girl, and idk if my train of thought makes any sense...so i just wanted to ask someone w more experience (but feel free to ignore this rant/call me out if im not making sense btw)

so yeah, my cousin's been out to me as a (binary) trans man for a few years now, and in trying to find understanding, i came out to him a few months later, but got a very flat/kinda disgusted reaction. despite my consistent support for him over the years, he has continued to "joke" about my looks/short hair and dismisses any attempts at serious conversations or even just jokes about gender/being a guy too. he also calls me things ive told him makes me uncomfortable (gender-wise) and then acts like it means nothing. he generally brushes me off by telling me to stop trying to compare myself to him, and is either prickly about it or just in-your-face "idgaf what you're talking about and i'm tired of you." it barely hurts me anymore, but ive felt connected to trans-ness for so many years (longer than id even known he was too) and his reaction to this part of me has honestly made me wonder if i'm just making it up/am trying too hard or something,,,like maybe i'm just trying to cover for being a gross 20-somethings woman ?? idk ?

i'm probably just being over-sensitive, and i dont feel it's outright malicious or anything (maybe he just doesn't think/care about it as much as me?), but i have nobody else to ask (no irl friends/people im out to) and i'm currently renting/living with him, which has brought these worries to the forefront. thanks if youve read this far, but please don't feel pressured to respond!

Your cousin sounds like he has a lot of internalized transphobia he's directing at you. Unfortunately there are trans people who try to prop themselves up and make themselves feel more confident in their transness by tearing down others. You are not being over-sensitive, and regardless of what he thinks he's doing, he's actively being cruel to you. You are well within your rights to be hurt by his actions. Living with someone who is constantly being transphobic to you is traumatizing- detransitioning can be a coping method for those who have to constantly defend themselves from transphobic abuse.

If its possible, I would recommend trying to see if there are any queer orgs in your area you could connect with (physically or online). At the least, you may find some people who can give you emotional support, and they also may be able to find you a better living situation. Even if that's not possible right now, keep reminding yourself that his behavior is cruel and you are allowed to be upset about it. You do not need to take any of his opinions on your gender seriously. You are not making up your transness or trying too hard. You are not over-sensitive, you are being hurt.

[oc-tournaments]

ROUND FIVE - THE FINAL MATCH.

THE HERO vs SALVANAN vs TAMARA

THE HERO: @technoria

SALVANAN: @the-demoness-next-door

TAMARA: @wokeuptraveledstraightintothesun

VOTE BASED ON THE INFORMATION BELOW CUT!!

Propaganda Content Warnings: Abuse, manipulation, suicidal thoughts for SALVANAN, abandonment, experimenting, cult mentions for TAMARA.

THE HERO:

PROPAGANDA: while their story is still a work in progress the main important detail about them is that they are so fucking doomed to fail their one main goal no matter how close they get to success and this is driving them absolutely batshit. video game protagonist that lost the job of player character to some mass produced level 1 enemy. not once have i drawn them happy

THEME SONG:

SALVANAN:

PROPAGANDA: this poor man. buckle in, you have a LONG one coming. he's very old, he's the god of plants + the earth and he's great i love him but man i have not been nice to him. so. way early in his life, he had a very sweet boyfriend named azyll along w lots of mutual friends. except oops, sal developed chronic anxiety and depression and decided that he did not think he would be good for azyll and broke it off w him. it was amicable but it still sucks. fast forward a bit, one of the friends in their circle, jekath, is being manipulated and hurt for no reason and sal knows but for magic reasons he's incapable of telling anyone, just has to watch. and then he eventually has to watch jekath finally snap under the pressure and betray them all and go evil. no bueno. so he spends a long time feeling terrible and eventually he plans to just. yknow. off himself. but oh surprise this little boy named safari shows up in his garden! and he's like well shit guess im a dad now. and he loves this little boy very much. it's good times! except when he's a teenager two of the little boy's biological brothers drop him off a cliff and nearly kill him, which is, yknow, terrifying. that's his son! his son was almost murdered! no! bueno! anyway, azyll's mortal so eventually he dies of old age, now sal's even sadder. least he's still got his other friends and safari but Man. anyway fast forward again, whole world is at war. and his two best friends, arona and morana, both die in it. but if that was not bad enough, arona was killed by jekath. you know, the old friend that was abused and eventually betrayed them all. so the friend he felt like he failed has now murdered one of his best friends. and his other best friend is ALSO dead. things are just going Great. flash forward another little while and his goddaughter's husband, sibrum, goes evil against his will too. he's known sibrum since he was a kid so now he's got ANOTHER person he felt responsible for gone evil against their will. then sibrum's daughter dies. are you seeing a pattern yet. anyway, sibrum soon kills jekath so now sal feels like he's double failed both of them and also even MORE of his original friends are dead now. so he is trying So Hard to relax! but then safari is turned into a terrible person against his will too! and because they were so so close for so so long they end up in a toxic dynamic instead of cutting each other off. sal finally figures out how to break the spell on safari and it's all Okay Now (they're both traumatized and it's definitely not okay). he gets to relax for only a brief time before his other child's son, volta, has a villain arc too. and what happens? you guessed it! sal tries to stop him and help him and he's not able to. and feels like he failed someone AGAIN. yeah this just happens over and over through the course of his life. he's so tired and sad man

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TAMARA:

PROPAGANDA: let’s see, lost her family at 7 years old (none of them died there was just a house fire where she was put inside an iron stove to “protect” her by her father (her father doesn’t like her can you tell) and they left her there (the rest of her family thought she’d left already)), (un)fortunately picked up by a guy who took her to a very ethical lab where she was healed! And then forced through many painful experiments. Also she was the executioner for a Lot of people later in the lab time and she’s not even 16 yet. So she escapes at age 16 and spends a year with her girlfriend just existing and processing (poorly) what she had to live through and trying to acclimate to life outside of The Lab. Then her girlfriend (who is a cyborg fun fact) got a virus and so she had to be decommissioned which was not a good time for Tamara.

Other physical details: One of the experiments was a test in how high someone’s empathy can get and. Tamara’s the highest Kyne (the one guy who loves experimenting on her) got. So she’s having a Time. She has lost sensation in her extremities, her bones are weak as Fuck due to being part bird (because of very little bone marrow and airy bones), and she just always looks soggy regardless. Also she’s trans

So she just can Not catch a break and she unfortunately gets exploited by her need for parental love and general guidance in her life and joins a cult :( Like can you see the fact that she just cannot stop being kicked while she is down. (I love her to bits and she is my favorite oc I promise)

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