#something i had to teach myself as an adult was how to have healthy boundaries and be assertive when i feel like im being treated poorly

[problemama]

TW: CSA mention, Proshipping topics

My experience as a "proship" minor.

You know, when I was a 10 year old and first made an account on MySpace behind my parents back, I did so with this understanding that I was ultimately entering a space that was not made with my needs in mind.

By this point in my life I already had my experience with csa (long before I had any internet access) so I already had my own guard up and it's kinda bizarre to see how so many minors today just have... ZERO idea how to navigate the internet with the same saftey that i had figured out at 10. I think its because adults to bother teaching them how anymore. Back then, I was encouraged to never give out my real name or age to people, and while I could make friends with people online, I should still approach every relationship with caution and awareness. People can lie about their own age and intentions, liberal use of blocking was very much my best tool for personal safety.

However, I was also a pretty troubled kid as far as sexuality goes... my family wasn't exactly open to talking about any sexual topics with me after my assault. They would honestly rather I repressed it. Not exactly a healthy solution. It pushed me to actively seek out nsfw content online but seeing real people engage in it made me super uncomfortable and going onto porn sites made me feel unsafe. You know what didn't do that? Fiction. Art and Writing. Fiction with characters I was attached to and knew about.

This ultimately meant a lot of characters that were my age. And it was mainly cartoon characters. Your Kim Possibles, Jenny Wakemens and the sort. Kim/Shego shipping was a HUGE help for comic to terms with my identity as a lesbian and yeah, it's likely got a significant age gap to it that people today would consider "proship" (the term didn't really exist back then) I can't overstate how glad I am that people weren't so vocal about shaming those kinds of ships at the time because it was legitimately my own sexual outlet. I didn't have the experience to write a good sex scene myself so reading about it in comics and fics was the next best thing, otherwise I worry I mightve put myself in ACTUAL danger by pursuing the experience irl.

I think we forget the ultimate use of fiction as a tool for exploring both ourselves and the world in the safest way. We are drawn to dark fictional content like murder and horror for the same reasons another person might be drawn to sex and the taboo and trying so hard to repress those will just harm the people who benefit from it. (I.e. the 10 year old abuse survivor in need of an outlet)

I do mean it when I say I sympathize with antis/anti-proship folk. Their end goal is just to encourage safer spaces for minors online, but that's not something you get through full on censorship and policing adult spaces and social media. It's by spreading awareness. Teaching them the warning signs of a predator, telling them to make an alias and avoid private dms with adults/people you don't know, watch for adults who overstep their boundaries and address it when you see it. Proship people should also be doubly-aware of how those in their own circle behave, as much as you might hate it- minors WILL find their way in and they could be some of the most vulnerable people. If I had it my way, it would be mandatory lesson in grade school but sadly, it's not.

I won't expect to convince anyone that they're approaching the issue wrong but I hope you can keep this one perspective in mind at the very least.

[diedinflorida]

not gonna lie, seeing how vehemently people are against adults being friends with kids makes me nervous. i don't feel like i can even talk about this without getting side eyed or called a groomer. but the thing is? as an adult with younger friends who i have healthy platonic relationships with, it's just sad that people think kids are so obnoxious and/or unrelatable that not only do they not want to ever interact with them, they don't even want to see them in public (actual thing someone said).

i only have younger friends because of the school i went to, which was all ages, and i was friends with lots of different kids there. i had older friends as a teen online who respected me and never treated me uncomfortably or stepped on my boundaries. they were supportive and helped me figure myself out.

and like, yeah i get it. i also think it's weird when an adult has younger friends, but i think the litmus test of whether or not they're a creep is if they have friends their age. i'll use myself as an example: i'm friends with mostly adults my age, but i know some people who are still in high school who i chat with. back in school i acted as something of a mentor, which is maybe too fancy a word for it, but you can teach and help kids so so much if you're just kind to them and treat them respectfully. like fuck man intergenerational relationships are really really important, how are kids supposed to know what a healthy platonic relationship with a non-relative adult is like if they've never experienced it?

it comforts me to know that if another adult was creeping on my friends, they'd probably come to me or recognize that i wouldn't treat them like that, so other adults shouldn't either. knowing older people and arming kids with knowledge is not a bad thing. the massive wave of people saying "adults and kids outside of family/teachers should not interact" is like, genuinely a really bad take, and i don't think it's going to protect children in the way folks think it will. it'll probably make them more vulnerable, and kids are already vulnerable enough already.

[whentherewerebicycles]

Do you have advice/places to start/resources for becoming a kinder and more compassionate listener? I also approach the world and myself from places of shame and judgment and I would really like to grow past that and become more compassionate and accepting and kind. You are a huge inspiration to me and I wish you all the best!

thanks for this really nice message! i've left some recs & thoughts under the cut.

first, some books and resources i've found really useful:

the lost art of listening: how listening can improve relationships (i really, really loved this one and found its strategies useful for basically all of my relationships, from friendships to family relationships to teaching)

scattered (so this one bills itself as being a book about attention deficit disorder, which may or may not be relevant to you. but really it is a book about how our family environments shape our inner voices and our relationships as adults. there is a lot of really deep, moving writing in this book about healing from shame that i think would speak to anyone, not just people who identify as having ADD!)

the body keeps the score: brain, mind, and body in the healing of trauma (again, PTSD or childhood trauma may not be relevant to your life/situation. i do not identify as someone who's experienced trauma but i do see in my own family how trauma has been passed down between generations and has shaped people's perspectives/styles of emotional processing even if they are not directly experiencing PTSD. i found this book really useful for understanding how chronic lowgrade stress and shame can change your emotional and physiological patterns of response. and i also feel like it just has given me a richer vocabulary for describing my own reactions to certain emotional stimuli or patterns)

anything on attachment theory. i have some ehhh feelings about how attachment theory (in its pop culture forms) tries to divide people into neat little categories, and i think that sometimes attachment theory can start to function like a personality test or something, where people get really invested in their attachment style as their identity. but i do think that the writing on what a secure attachment style looks like & on how securely attached people navigate conflict in their various relationships has been HUGELY important and useful for me. i do not think i had many models of secure attachment in my childhood and that can make it really hard to figure out how to set healthy boundaries or communicate openly around points of conflict. so i don't find it SUPER useful to read a lot about anxious and avoidant styles, but i do find it very useful to read a lot about secure attachment & to build strong friendships with securely attached people.

adult children of emotionally immature parents (this is another one that may or may not apply to your specific situation, but i think will probably helpful to you if your shame is rooted at all in family dynamics. i don't at all consider my parents to be like the parents lindsay gibson describes, but i do think both of my parents were raised by those kinds of people! i love how gentle and compassionate gibson's tone is, and i feel like this book helped me better understand and empathize with my mother in particular. for me a big part of healing from shame has been just like... spending a lot of time trying to understand my parents' experiences better and learning to empathize with them as human beings who were doing the best they could with the models they had available to them. i think my parents were very loving and very committed to trying to be good parents, but were also very much a product of the home environments in which they were raised. learning to see them with more compassion has helped me understand that my hypercritical shaming inner voice is literally just my mother's own inner voice, except i'm lucky that my mother worked hard to soften that voice a little and to contextualize it within a warmer, more loving relationship than she had with her parents. i think that unpacking those tangled family dynamics and understanding where your inner voice comes from can be a really important step towards cultivating other ways of talking to yourself, which in turn will influence the way you are able to talk and relate to others.)

there are also a few books on parenting i've really liked! how to talk so kids will listen (and listen so kids will talk) was one i really loved. i feel like it just gave me a richer set of tools/strategies for listening and communicating my needs. and i kind of appreciate that it's geared towards parents and kids, because i think that, again, for people who did not have great models for those things in childhood, you do need to treat yourself a little bit like a child! you are essentially learning how to re-parent yourself, and, like a child, it's easiest to learn from looking at lots of different models of deep listening and effective communication.

neuroplasticity! one book i liked on this subject was the brain that changes itself, though it's a little more focused on people learning how to heal from or better navigate medical or developmental conditions. but i think the science of neuroplasticity is absolutely fascinating, and it's been soooo so useful for me to have that framework in thinking about myself. you don't need to read a whole book - probably there are lots of good online introductions to the subject! but the core idea -- that the brain is continually rewiring itself, and that we can change/write over old patterns of response by repeatedly reinforcing new ones -- is hugely interesting to me and has been really helpful.

those are a few works that i've really enjoyed! on the more literary side, I also think that Mary Oliver's poetry can be really wonderful as an antidote to shame, as can Audre Lorde's essays and journals ("Eye to Eye" is one of the most incisive explanations I've ever read of how shame affects our self-concept and our relationships with others). and suzanne clothier's bones would rain from the sky: deepening our relationships with dogs is another beautiful essay/memoir-style work that bills itself as a dog training book but is actually just a gorgeous, moving exploration of how to cultivate compassion and gentleness in our relationships with others, whether they are animals or other human beings. truly cannot say enough good things about that beautiful book.

the other thing i would suggest is journaling. i do a ton of journaling, on this blog and in my private journal, and i really firmly believe that writing is one of the best tools we have for processing complicated emotions and rehearsing different patterns of emotional response. i don't journal every day, but i do sit down and engage in sustained reflective writing every single time i experience shame or conflict or a breakdown in communication or a resurgence of ambivalent feelings. the more you journal about your feelings and emotional patterns, the better you come to know yourself, and the more effectively you are able to untangle what's going on in your head/heart. i find that if i am really distraught about something, i basically just need to set aside an hour or two to write through it (and cry lol), and then i am either mostly past it or mostly at peace with it or i've figured out the steps i need to take to resolve things. and i also just really value having a detailed record of my own emotional life! i think that sometimes we can lose sight of how much we've grown or changed, because that growth happens so slowly and we are so immersed in it that it can feel like nothing big has really shifted. but when i can look back at the way i processed Bad Feelings when I was 17, 19, 25, 31, etc i can really see that long-term growth. and i think that having that tangible record is also a way of building trust in myself, almost? like, i know that i can survive a flareup of bad feelings because i see how many times in the past i've weathered those feelings, written my way through them, taken steps to address them, and matured/grown as a result.

my last suggestion is: no matter how deeply entrenched you perceive your patterns or your personality as being, your personality and your patterns will change based on the people you surround yourself. for better or for worse, you will inevitably become more like the people around you. i think one huge thing that changed for me after college was that i went from a very cold, chilly institutional climate full of smart & desperately unhappy people to a very warm, friendly, collegial community where there were lots of smart people, but those smart people were also very kind. i changed SO much just as a result of being surrounded by people who didn't perceive everything as a cutthroat competition and were genuinely interested/invested in each other's learning and growth. i also feel like i made a conscious effort to nurture friendships with people who were generous and kind and nonjudgmental, and a conscious effort to not maintain or nurture relationships with people who were very judgmental or harsh in their assessments of others, or who seem to thrive on negativity. i was really drawn to those people for a long time, because they felt like an externalization of my own inner voice and that felt safe/familiar to me. but spending lots of time with people who are more secure in themselves and genuinely caring towards others just makes me feel soooooo much better.

the change in yourself won't happen overnight - it took me many many years to feel secure in my important friendships and to trust that those people would not abandon me if i messed up or was imperfect or fell short in some way. but i really feel like i have learned and grown so much just through watching how kind, nonjudgmental people navigate life, and through paying close attention to what about their behavior or their way of interacting with others makes me feel so cared for and heard. i guess this is just a long way of saying, if you want to change things about yourself, attach yourself to people who embody the qualities or values you most want to learn. so if deep listening is important to you, look for people who really make you and others feel heard, and imitate the things you see them doing or the behaviors that make you feel affirmed in those conversations. or if cultivating kindness and a nonjudgmental attitude towards yourself and others is important to you, attach yourself to kind, open-minded people who talk about themselves with compassion and don't trash talk or tear down others (in public or in private). pay close attention to how those people live and interact with others, and then try to reproduce those behaviors in your own life. it won't feel natural at first, but (much like writing through your emotional responses) it will get easier and easier with time. i promise!!

[mutable-star-child]

Astro notes from my personal birth chart ♊️ 🌞 ♋️ 🌝 Gemini asc ♊️

🌻 Having personal planets spread out in 5 different signs can make for a bit of an identity crisis hahah I have sooo many different interests and people find me to be one confusing ass person , it’s taken me years to find this as a blessing in disguise as I can relate to these 5 signs and with a wide variety of people quite easily.

🌻My Mars in Pisces ♓️ in the 11th house does in fact make me stick up for the underdog , i am not attracted to feet at all , and when I am in a sexual relationship I prefer to be friends with my lover. The detachedness from the 11th house with the watery energy in my Mars is a fucking contridiction . I find myself needing emotional intimacy with a partner but then when I’m in the act I can be in another world , I usually get pulled back with kissing 😽

🌻my Venus in Aries ♈️ in the 12th house is another paradox. I’m definitely more toned down than other Venus in Aries placements. I love the chase , but then one day you may get a shy side of me . It’s this hot and cold kind of energy which probably confuses the shit out of people , but at the end of the day I go by how I feel . Once in a committed relationship I’m IN IT , I have zero desire for anyone else . I think of this placement and energy as in this lifetime I’m to learn SELF LOVE ❤️ Aries Venus are astrologically sometimes perceived as selfish and the 12th house Venus needs to learn to give themselves the love they’re constantly over giving to others .

🌻 My mercury in Taurus ♉️ in the 12th house is my chart ruler and the ruler of my sun . For a Gemini I find myself to be quite reserved and I give credit to this baby , I know when to keep my mouth shut . Upon meeting new people or starting a new job , I sit back , and I watch , and I feel things out. It takes me a little bit to read the energies of the people around me to really open up and be my goofy self. I like to read things slowly and methodically, it takes time but once it’s learned , it’s in there for good. I get compliments on my voice allll the time and man do I love expensive journals and pens hahah nothing but the best.

🌻 Gemini ♊️ sun , conjunct the ascendant from the 12th house . When I was younger , I was extremely shy and didn’t know why people would look at me or stare at me and it made me feel self conscious as fuck . Ta da ! I feel this placement makes me confusing because well ... Gemini are the twins 👯‍♀️👯‍♀️and it’s conjunct my Gemini ascendant. I feel like a Gemini , then I also feel like a Leo rising and have a lot of Leo rising traits , but my sun feels like a Pisces some days too and I have the traits of a 12th house sun , buttt on other days I feel like a first house sun and carry a lot of 1st house sun traits 🤷🏻‍♀️

🌻 My biological father is a Pisces sun (12th house) and my mother is a 1st house sun , I therefore carry both of their energies in this 1 placement .

🌻 my step dad is a Pisces Venus and my mother is a 1st house Venus , I’m a Aries Venus in the 12th house I carry both of their energies in this placement as well.

🌻Gemini sun with a cancer moon makes for one very emotional Gemini lol , it’s funny tho because when I was younger I didn’t know people thought that I was cold and detached , but deep down my ass felt everything . It took me awhile to learn to work with these two energies.

🌻Gemini rising with an Aquarius mid heaven , people think I’m cool and aloof if they don’t know me , but once they talk to me they’re always so surprised at how “bubbly” I am .

🌻 Cancer moon conjunct Jupiter in Cancer . When I’m happy it expands out to everyone and everything ... but just how everything in this life is dualistic , if my moon square Mars ( Pisces / repressed anger) gets triggered ... watch the fuck out . When I was younger I wouldn’t even know I was mad until one day I would just explode and that’s how it felt , like an explosion of angry emotions that wouldn’t stop until everything was out . I’ve been working my ass off with working with my emotions. Just because you have certain placements or energies or aspects doesn’t mean you can’t learn to deal with them in a healthy manner.

🌻I’ve noticed that I have a lot of air moon friends , I find that I learn from them and question how they deal with their emotions , I find them fascinating that they can detach and analyze them or mind map them . I teach them how to feel the emotion and they teach me how to not get so damn lost in my emotions .

🌻 Moon in the 2nd house ; classic eats to emotionally feel better , another thing I’ve been working on . Instead of going for chocolate let’s dig around and see why we feel like this and not try to bandaid it .

🌻Jupiter conjunct Chiron , I’m half Caucasian and half aboriginal . I didn’t get to grow up with my aboriginal side of the family and on my Caucasian side I’m the only one who’s of a different ethnicity . I felt between worlds in a way growing up , I never knew where I fit in and never felt like I could fit in anywhere . It was this walking in the middle feeling .

🌻Pluto in Scorpio conjunct Black Moon Lilith in the 6th house . I remember being a kid and like some parents hating me .. for no reason . I also remember adults sexualizing me before I even knew what it was or was having sex . This aspect opposite my mercury in Taurus in the 12th house makes me extremely into psychology and esoteric studies . I find dating to be difficult at times because I can read douche bags like an open book . Hahah Lilith and Pluto in the 6th Opposite my mercury I find myself in a lot of sexual innuendos 🙄 . People sexualize me at everyday boring things , work , running errands , the *gym . When I was young and didn’t know how to deal with my emotional state this combo was deadly , depression, anxiety , suicidal thoughts . The Plutonian energies were so intense .

🌻 Uranus retrograde in the 8th house . Ummm yeah I know I’m weird , but have no fucking clue why lol 😂. This placement makes you painfully aware of being differen, on a plus it also makes you your own therapist. I went from drug party girl running away from her traumas to power engineer , owning her own house and doesn’t smoke , drink , or do drugs . Another psychology lovers placement and astrology lover 🥰. Also weird shit happens around me . Lights go on or off , things move . Alarm systems at work don’t go off when I enter the building. I also have Neptune retrograde on my 8/9th house cusp when have seen spirits and heard them . I would be lying if I said I didn’t love weird shit .

🌻Uranus in the 8th , I have been around death since I was about 8 years old having attended my first funeral service . I have had traumatic experiences with the passing of people close to me and I have known so many people who have passed away . I’m 30 and have had about 10 people I’ve known pass away . It’s something that I’ve always known . It’s a hard part about life but each time I go through a deep soul transformation where I question life and death and transcend something .

🌻Uranus in the 8th .. did someone say bdsm ?

🌻Neptune in the 8th , blurring of boundaries when i was younger. Like I legit didn’t even know what fucking boundaries were . Again something I’ve worked on and I’m happy to say , my boundaries are firm as fuckk .

🌻mercury (12th) trine Neptune and Uranus(8th) . Umm yes I do receive messages from spirit . It comes so naturally to me that I forget others don’t share this gift or have to work hard . I can go into a deep meditation easily and hypnotherapy . I also have vivid dreams and lucid dream . I am working on my dreams and astral projection.

🌻Saturn retrograde , yup bio daddy was not around and I am now reparenting myself as an adult 😁.

🌻Saturn in the 9th conjunct the Mc , I take this placement as the other reason why people think I’m cold before knowing me haha . I’ve wanted to travel for soo long , wanting to back pack and just go and be free but have not managed to yet , I always feel like I have something to do here or something comes up , I’ve just let go now and realize I’ll travel when the time is right and Saturn permits it hahah.

🌻 Saturn in the 9th , when I was younger religion made me feel uncomfortable af , I remember going to church and wondering why god was a man and why there wasn’t a girl god , and I also couldn’t understand why he was white ... it made no sense to me . Then where was my native god ? Why wouldn’t he just make everyone the same then ? Jupiter conjunct Chiron in the 3rd 😁 as I got older and traumatic death experiences happened , I then became a full blown atheist and pushed away the spirits I had seen from my mind and went on to party 🤘🏼👍🏼 ... until I had a transcendental spiritual awakening in 2017 . Which now I believe in consciousness and energy. Ahhh life

🌻 Aquarius north node conjunct asteroid Lilith conjunct the MC , people have scapegoated my ass since I had became a teenager haha. I had a very big issue with authority figures when I was younger whether it was with teachers , my parents , bosses, cops , you name it . I would rebel just to rebel . I’ve toned my shit down and have accepted that I’m quirky and different and a bit of a loner , I love it that way to be honest . I find that older men loveee me or hate me . Or both . Hahah I’m a very independent woman and do NOT like to rely on men for anything in my relationships. This placement makes me fucking determined to achieve my goals . It’s also the big fuck you placement to anyone that’s ever wronged me or told me I couldn’t do something . It gives me fuel and a will that I’m going to die trying before I ever fail . People laughed at me when I told them i was wanting to become a power engineer and well when I thought I was going to fail I just brought up their snickers comments and here I am today a power engineer 😈😉

🌻Lilith conjunct the MC , ahhh yes , I’m known for my looks and physique but jackpot to the rare ones that compliment my brains 🧠 🤓

🌻Lilith conjunct the MC, women feel threatened by just looking at me , which means I work really hard to bring a calming warm energy , I’m not fake but I do compliment women and pull them up and support them when I can . I have zero desire for drama or to take other women’s men .

🌻asteroid Lilith trine ascendant and sun , yeah I always wondered why people thought I was hitting on them when I wasn’t even interested lol but add a friendly bubbly Gemini ascendant with this aspect and you give off sexy vibes with out even noticing it . Fucking annoying to be honest hahah

🌻 IC in Leo , sun conjunct ascendant ... people say I wear my heart on my sleeve and what you see is what you get hahah

🌻IC in Leo , I shine when I’m with my family I feel the most comfortable around them and I love when they compliment me lol more than like anyone else .

🌻 If you were wondering why my chart seemed off I have 4 signs intercepted : Taurus / scorpio , Virgo / Pisces . My mercury , Mars , Pluto are all intercepted and my 12/6th houses are MASSIVE lol and my 11/5th are as well . Itty bitty 2/8th , 3/9th houses .

Let me know if you have any of these placements and can resonate 🥰

[tommihanley]

This is something I have spent a good portion of my adult life trying to achieve. It sounds easy - at least logical - but when you come from dysfunction, you need a whole lot more than good intentions to change family dynamics. Over the years I did not always make healthy choices, because I was not healthy.

If our family of origin did not demonstrate healthy behaviours, what basis do we have to build something better in the future? We're not given instruction manuals and there's a whole truck load of subconscious beliefs, fears and personality traits that develop in kids who grow up in chaos, addiction and dysfunction. Who teaches us how to identify and unlearn these behaviours?

For me, it took a whole lot of trial and error. I had to commit to myself and my own transformation, which took years - not days or weeks. I don't think I created a fully healthy family, but I do know it's a whole lot better than the one I came from. Sometimes it takes more than a generation to tidy up the mess. Still, I am grateful for how far we have come as a family. I am proud of my kids. They are self-aware and know they have choices. They understand things like boundaries, addiction recovery, speaking their truth, and how to empower themselves.

I have learned how to: own my part in a conflict; recognize the triggers that cause turmoil as a result of my childhood trauma; say I'm sorry; and make an ongoing commitment to healing emotionally, mentally and spiritually.

We do our best and ask God to do the rest.

[always-there]

About consent

OK guys, buckle up, because today's topic is depressing as hell.

Today I'm gonna talk about consent. I usually ponder about this while I cook, in the shower, late at night when I'm applying all my learned hypnosis techniques to force myself to sleep.

I was never taught about consent. All I had going for me was the classic "Rape is bad, avoid rape" chant the world of the 90's society thought was enough. All I saw were girls being advised to not dress like sluts and avoid being provocative in public. I got a good couple of different versions of that, mind you, as I grew up in a conservative Catholic school.

Nobody told us about the universe of potential situations contained within that fucking "Rape is bad, avoid rape". We thought rape happened when a man forced himself on a woman that was actively trying to resist him.

Black and white. No grey areas. Pretty simple.

I was fine with that. I was even judgmental towards victims, once I saw how they were dressed when they were attacked. Or if they were drunk or walking by themselves on areas widely known to be dangerous.

And then I grew up, entered the nasty-ass world of adults, and the Universe took pains to kick my ass in so many ways during 30 years that have finally lead to this post today.

So, I'm a list person. I like making lists. So here goes my one and only...

CONSENT LIST

• Dudes get raped too. Yeah. I know it's basic, but I scoffed at the concept for years. I know many people who still do. Dudes get raped too, get it into your mind. And no, it doesn't happen when they are effeminate weaklings. No. Any man can get raped. And they deserve to be treated as proper victims, with respect and compassion. The few times I've seen testimonies of male rape survivors, they reported even the police was skeptical or treating them like pussies or jokes.

• If your partner is sleeping, it's not consent. No, I don't give a fuck if you guys have been together for 20 years. No, I don't give a fuck if they wake up in the middle of it and decide to continue. I don't even give a fuck if they say they like it. If you touch, penetrate, make whatever sexual advance on a sleeping person, you are raping them. Any unconscious person is unable to give consent.

• If you're in the middle of it, having a good time, and suddenly your partner wants to stop... guess what, it's time to stop. You don't stop? You ask them to hang in there for just a while more until you're done? You power through it? Yeah, no. That's not consent, buddy.

• If you're ABOUT to do it, and the foreplay was great, and they were so into it, but when the time comes to actually go all the way, they change their mind... time to go home. Or put on a movie, or do whatever the fuck you want that is not forcing or trying to persuade your partner to go on.

• Subtle denial is a big-ass NO as well. They have a headache? Leave it. They are tired? Leave it. They have to wake up early the next day? Leave it. They fear a phantom clown is gonna haunt the bed if they indulge in intercourse that night? Leave-it. Don't persuade your partner to have sex if they don't feel like it. You know why? Because they DON'T want to have sex. Persuading or wearing someone down to say yes is not consent. It's pressure. Which takes us to the next bullet...

• If you insist that YES always means YES just like NO always means NO, I will smack you in the head with a frozen lamb leg. YES can be induced. Can be pressured. You can actually intimidate, scare, threaten and bully a person into saying yes. Maybe they are not ready. Maybe they are not sure about the relationship. Maybe they are not feeling well. Maybe they are fucking scared of you. It doesn't matter. If you have to lobby for it, leave it. You're being a creep.

• Drunk people. Good God. I can't believe this has to be an item. Leave drunk people alone! And I don't even mean passed-out drunk, I mean intoxicated but still dancing people, still talking people, I even mean, yes, dizzy or tipsy people. A person under the influence is not able to consent. Why do you think we drink, why do we call it a social lubricant, and other funny jabs? Because alcohol fights the restraint and common sense we'd had otherwise. It's a fun way to loosen up and get relaxed, but if someone has been drinking, don't hunt them for sex. I can't believe the number of movies and series that broadcast dudes trying to hit on drunk women. It still happens today, and not in a Law and Order episode, in your common everyday rom-com. This applies to every person under the influence of whatever substance they took that clouds their judgment.

And no, I won't hear it. They didn't put themselves in a position of danger. You are the danger, a threat that should not exist in the first place.

• So far so good, right? Well, tell me what you think about this. Let's say your partner doesn't want to have kids. And you do want them, for whatever reason. So, what do you do?

You mess with their birth control. Or you lie about you taking birth control. Or you lie about using a condom, or about the physical integrity and expiration date of said condom. Bam, presto manifesto, a bun in the oven.

That is fucking rape. And if you still need to ask why, because for whatever reason that was not creepy enough for you, I'll spell it out. It's rape, because the other person did not consent to that.

And now, if you still don't feel the need to go and take a shower until December, I have yet another list.

Are you in doubt? Are you not sure you are a rapist or not? Worry not! Below you'll find a funny little questionnaire ready for you to clear your mind and heart:

CAN I RAPE SOMEONE IF...

• ...they are dressing provocatively?

Answer: They could be walking down the busiest street of the city during rush hour completely naked and with a big, red silk bow on their ass, and still, nothing in the fucking world gives you the right to touch them. You are not entitled to another person's body because of what they choose to wear.

• ...we are dating?

Answer: Not if you are dating, not if you are married, not if the zombie apocalypse finally wiped out humanity and God himself descends from Heaven to pronounce you Adam & Eve 2.0 and gives you the task to repopulate the world. Dating only means you two are seeing each other on a regular basis for fun or to explore the possibility of a future together. It doesn't mean that your partner's body becomes your property, ergo, you have no rights whatsoever over it.

• ...they are seducing me?

Answer: Half of the time, nobody was seducing you, genius. If I have to hear another anecdote of how a bartender or barista o waitperson were throwing themselves on someone, I will barf in my own mouth. Servers are required to be nice, it's on their job description. But anyway, let's say for the sake of argument that yeah, they are indeed seducing you: no. Showing interest in someone is not an invitation to fuck, nor a provocation to fuck, so let things go their way and don't be a creepy jackass.

• ...I have done nice things for them?

This one I actually heard from a former, and I can't emphasize the former enough, friend. Their case was something along the lines of, I took her to dinner and a movie, later coffee and dessert, and one other lame activity I can't remember (probably drinks), paid for everything, took her home on my car... and then she refused to let me go upstairs!

Dude. Duuuuuude. And dudettes too, of course. No. If you want to get your money's worth, go to a proper sex worker, who will charge you accordingly for their services. Don't expect the other person to feel obligated to pay you with their body just because you fed them and threw a movie ticket in the package!

I had one friend go on a date with a guy. The date didn't work out, so they went their separate ways... until the guy showed up on her doorstep asking her to reimburse him for coffee and a donut. I shit you not. She was so dumbfounded she actually paid him back so he would leave, and I'm glad she did, because that, my friend, is rapist material on the making.

• ...they are a sex worker?

Answer: No, you creepy freak, absolutely not. Every single point I mentioned above applies to every human being on the planet and active or inactive Space stations. You cannot force yourself on anyone, you cannot violate consent ever. It doesn't matter if you're fooling around with the biblical whores of Babylon or the entire cast of Full Monty after a round of the blue pill. Consent protects everyone, no matter what they do for a living.

I'm so happy that all these points are not gonna be news for most of you. Awareness is spreading and the new generations are taught about consent since they are little kids. My generation, and most of all my generation in my country, dominated by a traditional patriarchal society, heard nothing of it. "Rape is bad, avoid rape" was taught mostly as a warning tale for girls. It was the girls' responsibility to prevent rape. Don't walk alone at night. Don't use slutty clothes. Don't be provocative towards men. Don't drink too much. Don't stare too much. Don't go to non-respectable places. Don't put yourself in danger.

I think things would significantly change if the song was played differently. Don't teach girls how to prevent rape. Don't teach boys that rape is bad and that "real men" don't need it.

Teach everyone about consent. Rape is only one of the grim consequences of violating consent. There are thousands of different traumatizing situations that could be avoided if we only respected consent all the time, if we were taught about healthy boundaries and personal integrity since kids.

But hey, we're getting there. I hope. I wish.

• Disclaimer: actually, I think disclaimers like this should not be needed, but still. In case you feel the urge of accusing me of speaking from theory... nope. I speak from experience. Personal experience. Experience I wish I didn't have, and that I had a very hard time harvesting to learn and become stronger. So yeah. Shut the fuck up, go out there and respect the shit out of people.

[jusky]

Well Adam, I talked with my mom last night for two hours and things were calmer and I’m feeling slight optimistim. Everything personal and moral aside, my mom's worried about me detransitioning + health effects. I guess at the heart of the matter I know this is the right choice for this moment and regardless of regret, I’m currently digging myself out of a number of ruts I’ve been trapped in. Dude! I hate feeling like a shitty kid. How do you deal with feeling like a shitty kid.

maybe i’ll just answer this one and not your multi-part background and question that i’ve been thinking about since you sent it. for everyone else, sorry you won’t have all the facts but i wasn’t sure how to post the multiple messages and i think you’ll do fine with context clues and general vibe if you even choose to read all of what i’m about to say which let’s be honest you probably won’t. anyway...

you’ll get out of those ruts. you’re going to be fine. and obviously like first off you’re not a shitty kid at all no matter how much it sometimes feels that way. like, i think your concern for them is a clear sign of that. but your bravery with respect to embracing your truth despite the difficulties and your willingness to be concerned about yourself if you visit these parents who might not be able to be supportive in the way you need right now is not being a bad kid--it’s being the kind of person every parent should hope they can raise.

to be honest i have a lot of thoughts on this subject. i’m not big on the idea that we inherently owe our parents all that much. i didn’t ask to be born and wtf for a lot of the years i knew my parents, especially early on, i was just a fucking kid! like the weight of responsibility and what is required of us isn’t automatic. a lot of parents in this world deserve absolutely nothing from their kids. obviously a lot of parents were like constant miracles who are rightfully held by their kids as like givers of something that can never be fully appreciated or paid back. but like it’s important to embrace the specifics of your own relationships. i think that there’s a way in which parent and kid, like, become funny labels and roles and like archetypes that haunt us and that rather than clarify can sort of confuse our perceptions about what we owe each other. sometimes growing up my father would be angry with me and talk about how i had like wronged “the family” and i would be so frustrated. oh is the family mad? ask the family to explain then. because don’t you mean you? or do you mean him or her? like in a way there’s no family, just us. people who can speak for themselves and have various and nuanced senses of what we want and need from each other. i just think the experience of feeling like a shitty kid is sometimes tied up in a framework in which you don’t get to be an equal party or like treated as someone who has the right to control their own life,

i guess this is what i’d say about being the bad kid. i’ve played that part. and i have felt bad about being the bad kid, too. to various degrees of intensity on both fronts at various times over the years. much of that experience is about how i have had a pretty major divide in outlook and expectations and many other things with my dad and stepmom. for so many years i had this deep sense of conflict with them. growing up i felt like i was always the bad kid and that i couldn’t ever fully be myself at all with them and that when they were involved in my life i had to be on guard and that i’d never feel like just being myself was safe. and when i grew up i didn’t like that experience and eventually we stopped talking for like a decade. i just kind of went off grid on them. 

now today we can talk and we can visit. and i can totally feel like myself around them. 

am i still sort of the bad kid? yes, definitely, but it’s kind of ok in my heart and fine ultimately. 

really for me i had to accept that i had to put my own oxygen mask on first, no matter how mad anybody was going to get at me. and then in those years of silence a funny thing happened. i think i began to feel solid enough in myself that there didn’t seem much threat from them anymore? and i think they kind of were humbled by the sense that i wasn’t a sure thing and that they’d rather have the bad kid than no kid. so like yes a shift in power happened for sure but it was also a softening and a kind of acceptance i never expected.

growing up i always had these imaginary battles and arguments and like imaginary trials in my head as if i was prepping for some vague future day where my dad and i would argue it all out ultimately and i’d show him he was wrong and do so so decisively that he’d believe what i believed and change things and everything would be fixed. 

needless to say that’s not how it worked out. instead we never fixed it really. we never sorted out who was ultimately right or wrong along the way. but you know what? it’s still fine. we can still hang out. we can still be a family. i don’t have to watch fox news with him and he doesn’t have to like my choices. there’s still plenty there that’s good. imperfect is fine. even fucked up is fine as long as it’s not hurting you. 

when you feel like a bad kid that’s the pain/worry of disappointing people you don’t want to disappoint. and that feeling can keep certain selfish or shitty impulses in check i think. 

but also the truth about being a real person, an adult who has to take care of themselves and navigate a tricky world, is sometimes you do have to disappoint people. it’s often the healthy and responsible thing to do. and parents--even disappointed parents--would do well to really see what’s happening in those moments so that they realize they’re not dealing with a bad kid, they’re dealing with an adult who is doing what needs to be done. it may be disappointing but it’s not unfair. 

i think you look out for your parents as best you can but you should make sure to look out for yourself even more sometimes. you seek love, health, and reciprocity. you try to proceed with a sense of both care and integrity. 

but mostly forget the guilt. guilt is very limited in terms of how informative it is. as kafka teaches us so decisively, you don’t even need a reason to feel guilty. you often just feel guilt and then start searching for reasons. that’s not where to put your energy with respect to your parents.

i have no idea if anybody else can follow this since i didn’t post the whole initial backstory but i’m really just trying to talk to you and be encouraging. i’m proud of you based on everything i’ve heard and i deeply relate to some of what you’ve said about your parents. it sounds like there might be some good signs now and i’m so glad to hear that.

embrace what’s positive and healthy from them and calmly reject everything else with as much kind patience as the situation allows, but also here’s a tip: reject the unhealthy stuff with a this-is-already-decided vibe, a strictly personal firmness that is declaratory rather than accusatory, you want to say stuff that’s more like “i am not willing to discuss this. i told you i am not comfortable discussing this and i expect that decision to respected.”  rather than like “you always do this” “please stop criticizing me!” or like just generally defending decisions or perceptions you have that aren’t actually up for debate. you get to set those boundaries and that really is that. you get set those lines and not tolerate them being ignored or blurred. you just have to be consistent and clear.

anyway i guess i’m saying to just trust your instincts about the visit, like either way. and just speak clearly about what you won’t be accepting from them because you do get to make sure you’re feeling ok. know what i mean? you’re strong and articulate and their worries will ultimately be calmed by the reality of the future you’re heading into. and i’m sure that beneath the stuff they bring to the table that feels unhelpful they must have a sense of the truth about you. their fears aren’t the reality and you may have to help them see reality by not letting them treat their fears as if they’re real and by i guess just fucking letting them see that the very same poise and sense of self that you possess as you make tough decisions and as you’re communicating with them is going to be exactly what you use to move forward and navigate your future--a future which will demonstrate that they didn’t need to be so afraid all along.

god i hope some of that is helpful or at least maybe makes some sense. please do get at me if you want to talk more about any of this.

[mbti-notes]

Anon wrote: Hi, I hope you're doing great, so this is going to be long because I’m really in need for help. I’m an INFJ, raised by an abusive passive aggressive father and an INFJ mother who was mistreated and abused a lot, my Fe was very underdeveloped and I used to be a funny guy without having self-care for my image, now after having a crush and seeing my blind spots I see that my reputation isn’t the best and people take advantage of me, I have good friends but none I chose deliberately, I also used to be bullied at middle school and this is where my Se Grip I guess, my Fe is being developed and I’m reading about emotional intelligence but I’m still naïve and ignore subtle signs that other people are using me, and I always fall for the same trap although I have set goals, but I don’t know how to respect myself, I dwell in my mistakes, I can’t respect time and can’t take life seriously. 

I guess it is somewhat of trauma response like Chandler from friends, I try to be funny even when people disrespect me, my crush had a boyfriend who treated me passive aggressively and bullied me, at that time I wanted to give a response but I couldn’t, in each situation I felt trapped, I felt unable to react, I felt under threat, my heart is weak and I get these small anxiety attacks, I’m anxious about getting out in the world, each time I’m overwhelmed with tasks I feel guilty and not being able to finish them, to give more context, I became responsible of my family two years ago, and this feels like a burden, and suddenly Fe started developing, I have religious background and was part of a religious group but now I’m no longer that person and I don’t feel belonging anywhere, I tried to fit In different groups but none felt real, my friends don’t have the time for me and I became very cynical of death and my experiences to the point that I share everything about myself, I’m too clingy, and I overshare everything as a defense mechanism which started after developing feeling towards my crush and telling a friend about it. I need a friend to walk properly on the streets, my self confidence is no longer part of myself because I’m having an identity crisis, I feel guilty and see all my mistakes and each time something triggers one of those mistakes I feel even more anxious, I’m trying to get out more but with no use. 

I’m trying to rebuild myself by focusing on my goals, but its not enough, I guess I need hibernating time in my home to build better work skills and focus on my job more. My friends do not see what I see, except for an INTP, but he is unreliable for social situations but sometimes gives advice that I disagree with and I follow because I respect him a lot, he is like a brother, but his social tips led me to disastrous things, I’m not complaining, but I’m seeking to understand my own behavior. I have shared some of my experiences on social media, and then deleted them, some people used that to mock me and cyber bully me, I don’t know how to get over feeling exposed, I want to live, but not that interested, yet I’m not suicidal, in fact I’m rational and have some basic understanding of myself, but I want to move on from that, and I keep making social mistakes

___________________________

To summarize: You are lost because you have not been able to respect yourself and balance your own needs with your obligations to the world - a sign of Fe overindulgence. Lack of proper self-care has produced unhappiness, but you have not chosen the right paths to remedying the unhappiness, which only makes it worse. Then you got trapped in Ti loop rumination, trying to "make sense" of your feelings from a distance, exacerbating emotional dysfunction. All you have now is a head full of negative and anxious intrusive thoughts that worsen as your emotions are left to escalate unresolved. When you lose connection to Ni, you lose the ability for nuanced thinking, so your thoughts become more and more extreme, as Se grip sets in. Is that about right?

You shouldn't blame yourself for other people's bad behavior. Trust is required for healthy relationships. It is not your fault for trusting people, rather, it is their fault for betraying your trust. No one should take advantage of your kindness and vulnerability. It is not a crime to love and you should not feel ashamed about having emotional needs. If you are ashamed of needing love, then you may have a self-worth problem. Do you believe that you are deserving of love? 

Ni development is meant to help you fulfill your personal potential, such that you have something to feel proud of and something to contribute. The dominant function is the ideal route to self-respect. When you don't have yourself and your life in order via healthy Ni development, you won't be able to have healthy relationships for developing Fe. When you approach relationships from a place of desperation, you not only end up using people as a means to fill your deficits, you also make it too easy for people to take advantage of you.

It’s not your fault when people mistreat you, but it is your responsibility to put in place some reasonable protections from exploitation and abuse, which goes back to the vital point of practicing proper self-care. This requires learning how to set healthy boundaries when you're navigating relationships or putting yourself out there in society. Not everyone has your best interests at heart. You have to know how to spot callous people and avoid them. And you have to learn to be a better judge of the right time and place to express yourself honestly.

A relationship is a two-way street. It should be mutually satisfying and mutual beneficial. This means that self-disclosure should occur at a gradual and mutually respectful pace. Only by opening up bit by bit can a relationship grow in an organic and healthy manner. A great way to protect yourself from harm is to allow enough time for people to show you who they really are. The way that you behave, often in extremes, is not conducive to gradual relationship growth. And you are often in (Se grip) extremes because your emotional life is out of control.

You didn't grow up in an environment that taught you how to have healthy relationships. That’s not your fault. But it is your responsibility to make up those lessons, as an adult who wants to live a better life than you had as a child. People aren’t born with knowledge, just like you're not born knowing how to do math. You have to learn through proper attention and study. You’ve spent how many years learning math that you may not even use? And how long have you spent learning to take care of your mental state? Few people can teach themselves math from scratch and psychology is no different. There’s a lot of knowledge and expertise required to address the psychological problems that you are describing. A big reason that psychological problems get worse over time is that people are not equipped to deal with them alone with no objective input or expert guidance to rely on.

I am but a stranger on the internet. The most I can ever do is help clarify/identify the problem and point you toward a possible solution. I can’t carry out the solution for you or with you. In order to get yourself and your life in order, you have to be more honest with yourself about how you feel, and address your feelings and emotional needs in a more compassionate and timely manner. It’s hard to care well for others when you’re not even able to care well for yourself. If you don't have anyone to lean on, then lean on professional help as a start. A cognitive-behavioral therapist can teach you how to stabilize your intrusive thoughts and messy emotional life, and from there, you will have a better time dealing with other aspects of life. A therapist can also teach you better social skills for dealing with relationship and boundary issues. If you can’t see a therapist for whatever reason, I have provided books about these topics on the resources page.

[hydrangeasimagination]

About Minors on my Blog

Well??

This is about to get somewhat problematic.

Anything I say surrounding topics akin to this one will be tagged with ‘dari rants’.

Everything is under the cut because I went off for a long ass time and it got a little dark.

It’s pretty rambly and was written late at night so I’m sorry if it’s hard to follow.

But fuck, I guess I should address the fact that there is more mature content on my blog now.

Anyhow, let me make things clear where I stand on this:

I AM NOT RESPONSIBLE FOR THOSE TO COME ONTO OR INTERACT WITH MY BLOG

I AM NOT THEIR PARENTS AND AM NOT GOING TO POLICE THEM BECAUSE THEY ARE NOT MY RESPONSIBILITY

MY BLOG HAS CONTENT THAT IS TAGGED

PEOPLE WILL LIE ABOUT THEIR AGE NO MATTER WHAT SO I CAN’T ALWAYS BE ABLE TO TELL HOW OLD THEY ACTUALLY ARE AND IT IS A WASTE OF THE TIME I DO HAVE TO PUT OUT CONTENT

I ALSO DO NOT condone minors interacting with the content of adults that expressly DO NO WANT them to interact.

I HAVE EXPLICITLY STATED THAT EVERYONE IN WHAT I WRITE IS 18+ UNLESS STATED OTHERWISE

THE WARNINGS ARE THERE. EVERYTHING IS TAGGED.

You know who I am responsible for??

My sister; nine years younger than me. Who followed me when I was a SFW blog but I made sure stopped following me and looking at my content as I figured that I’d eventually write NSFW content.

Sure, she knows the birds and the bees and deleted the app to free up space but that is not the issue!

THIS is the issue:

We have all been teenagers once.

Teenagers are hormonal and often are just looking for a place to express themselves in a manner that is healthy.

It’s better this than going off and doing something genuinely indecent.

They’re not old enough to watch porn either, are you gonna go and hunt down the film makers and actors?

No!

Before you say “it’s not the same”, IT FUCKING IS!!!

SAME GENRE, DIFFERENT MEDIUM.

I lost my virginity, at 14-15, in high school.

So many people have and still are!!

I waited!! It was a conscious decision I made with a slightly older friend of mine, are you going to hunt him down??

EVEN THOUGH I CONSENTED??? I LITERALLY PLANNED?? I ASKED HIM!!?

How about those helping minors learn the ins and outs, about boundaries and that they’re allowed to say no! Teach them what red flags to spot in a D/S relationship if it’d something they’d want to explore later on??

Keeping growing subs away from toxic/fake doms?

The teens that were exposed to awful things and want to feel the escapism of what it feels like to be in a healthy sexual relationship?

Those that go through repression and then lash out because they had nowhere else.

It’s a waste of EVERYONE’S time because someone is worrying about a teen going through development. I’m not also going to go through and block them all because there is also SFW content on my blog that is a comfort to them as well!

To put it simply; TEENAGERS ARE HORMONAL.

AND HORNY BECAUSE OF THOSE HORMONES!!!

Not all of them of course, but you’re going through a lot during that time and again - it is best expressed in a healthy manner as opposed to bottling it up.

It’s like around the time where normalizing masturbation is a thing.

THEY ARE RELIEVING STRESS

EXPLORING THEIR SEXUALITIES!!

FIGURING OUT WHAT THEY LIKE AND DON’T LIKE FOR WHEN THEY GET A PARTNER!!!

EDUCATING THEMSELVES!!!!

I’m still young myself, barely even look 20, but the way y’all act surrounding teens is a goddamn travesty.

Something against the law is minors producing / writing smut for the public to see or going around flirting with those that are much older than them or lying about their age, maybe crack down on that instead. 

Of course, you don’t have to agree with me.

I’m not asking you to.

I am simply asking you to see it from my perspective as a young adult that was once one of these teenagers only three years ago.

This blog is supposed to be a place of positive vibes and comfort, meant to be a safe space for everyone that follows it.

You’re free to hit that block button if you don’t agree, but I can also do the same as I stand hard on this soap box.

I don’t enjoy confrontation. I truly do not, but leave your critiques for me OFF ANONYMOUS so we can have a discussion like adults

If it is anon, it means you’re a coward. I have no interest in bringing something that can be dealt in private to the public, to the people that support me and my writing, to the blog that I hold as a safe space without negativity

If you are being openly hateful, I will not subject my followers to what your problems are with me.

If it can’t be sorted out in private because you are fearful to how people will react in response to your right to exercise freedom of speech? Then you simply don’t deserve that response!

So you won’t get it. I won’t post it.

It’s going straight into the delete bin.

As opposed to hiding behind a screen and a mask and saying that “I’m an awful person” for what message I’m trying to convey - come to me personally.

I have an open mind and open DMs

There is no fear in me when I say I stand by what I said. No matter how long the debates drag, this is where I plant my flag.

In the end, we are all but humans behind our screens and I know this particular opinion of mine will pull those that are kind and are simply concerned about minors or me getting in trouble.

But I will not be blamed for the actions of a completely sentient and consenting being who believes they are mature enough to handle the things I write.

You can just block the tags ‘spicy’ or ‘not so safe for the workplace’.

Or if you don’t want to see any of these kinds of posts later on; block the tag ‘//negative’ or ‘// discourse’.

Respectfully,

~ Dari

[gmetzcom]

The Three Greatest Lessons I learned in COM 2206

As a college student it is easy to slip into drive. What I mean by that Is that it’s easy to slip into go-mode with the goal of turning something in, not learning or absorbing the actual content. Throughout COM 2206 I have never once found myself guilty of allowing my brain to glid through those cracks. This course clicked with me on a personal level in the manner of subconsciously adapting my ways of communicating and understanding others. While I could name far more than three lessons from this course that will stick with me though life, the greatest are easy to choose. Conflict management styles, verbal communication styles, and expectancy violations. These three lessons have and will aid me through life as we are taught at a Younge age how to string together words to mean something; But are we taught how our words in harmony with the circumstances may take what we said and give it a whole new meaning? Are we taught how to handle the words strewn together by others in a healthy way? Or are we taught how to set boundaries for ourselves in the manner of what is expected from others? The answer is simple. No, not until we take COM 2206, and that is only if we are lucky enough to as it is not a requirement for some students.

Is it truly fair to play dirty? Most people would argue that the answer is no. So, if you wouldn’t find it fair to cheat in a game of cards, why find it fair to cheat when communicating with others? Conflict is inevitable, and because of that we have to learn how to manage conflict in a healthy manner. Or in other words in a fair manner. In chapter 11 of INTERPLAY by Ronald B. Adler, Lawrence B. Rosenfeld, and Russell F. Proctor we find that conflict can be solved in many ways. Some ways are fair, some are not, and others are only kind of fair. It just depends on what side of the conflict you are on. Starting from the bottom at avoidance, we see a lose-lose situation. “Although avoiding important issues can keep the peace temporarily, it typically leads to unsatisfying relationships” (Afifi et al., 2009; Wang et al., 2012). Accommodation is slightly better, but not by much being a lose-win situation. This happens “when we entirely give in to others rather than asserting our own point of view”. While the middle ground is usually the sweet spot, that is not the case when it comes to compromise as it is a lose-win win-lose situation. It “gives both people at least some of what they want, although both sacrifice part of their goals”, and while this isn’t the worst thing to ever happen there is usually a better way (Jandt, 2017). Competition is a “my way or the highway” type of deal, meaning win-lose. It “involves high concern for self and low concern for others”. Last but not least we have the win-win situation, collaboration. Collaboration is the opposite of my way or your way, it is our way with “a high degree of concern for both self and others”.

Now that we have a full understanding of what conflict management styles are and how to use them, I want to explain how I learned them as well as what lesson they have given me. During our third writing assignment in COM 2206 the class was asked to imagine themselves in a given conflict with a friend. In this conflict we were asked to identify the conflict management strategy that the character we were to imagine ourselves as used. We were later asked to identify what conflict management strategy could have been used in the situation to give a better, healthier, and fairer outcome to the conflict. Like I said earlier, conflict is inevitable. Considering this I believe that the conflict management strategies that we use most often have a lot to do with our childhood and what conflicts we encountered and how the counterpart handled the conflict as well. Growing up in an extremely unhealthy toxic household lead me to have unhealthy conflict management strategies that stuck with me into adult hood. However, having been educated on the different conflict management styles and strategies I have become much more aware of the way I handle conflict. I have also started thinking back on conflicts and identifying how I could have handled them in a healthier manner. Because of this I would say this is one of the greatest life lessons I have ever learned.

During our third writing assignment in COM 2206 we were also asked to identify an expectancy violation. This is another great lesson I have learned through this course. However, let us understand what exactly an expectancy violation is before we go into that. An expectancy violation is “an instance when others don’t behave as we assume they should” (Cohen, 2010; Hall et al., 2011). I would argue that a relationship would cease to exist without expectations, but with that being said everybody makes mistakes. While there are more expectancy violations than I can count of both hands some are more common than others. For example, maintaining confidence is a huge expectation in a friendship. If you tell your best friend, you’re pregnant and discuss ways to surprise your husband it is expected that that person will not tell your husband. Another great example is lending a helping hand. This is the expectancy violation that was broken in the writing assignment we discussed earlier. The expectancy concerned my friend and I making plans to move all of my stuff from my old apartment to my new one. The violation happened when she never showed up.

Considering my childhood and the unhealthy environment I grew up in, I think it is safe to assume that I have a hard time expecting things of others. let alone holding them responsible for violating those expectancies. The lesson I learned from expectancy violations is what exactly is “normal” to expect from others. While conflict management styles help me address when these expectancies are violated, it is important to set boundaries in any relationship. By expecting things of others, I am able to no longer allow myself to be for lack of better words a “pushover”.

Verbal communication is one of the most touched on topics throughout COM 2206 so of course it would be appropriate that it taught me a lesson that will stick with me through my days. Starting off with verbal communication, I truly took in what exactly this meant for the first time in week 7 of this course. During our two cents discussion we were asked to tell of a time that somebody else’s actions lead to a negative consequence for the writer. We were then asked to create an “I” statement in response to the persons actions. The example that I provided was when I experienced my first winter and was on the way to clean the snow off of my car in order to go to a job interview. My partner stopped me in my tracks and offered to do it for me while I finished getting ready which I could not have been more thankful for. When I walked out the door to leave for my interview, I found that she had forgotten the commitment that she made, and I was out of luck. The "I" statement that I could have used to discuss this issue with my partner would have been " I did not appreciate you telling me you would clean off the driveway only to find you did not do it the following morning, it caused me to be late to my interview and leave a bad first impression.". In the breakdown of my "I " statement "I did not appreciate" Shows my feeling, "you telling me you would clean off the driveway only to find you did not do it the following morning" Shows the behavior I observed, and "caused me to be late to my interview and leave a bad first impression" is the possible consequence. Verbal communication also entails “you” and “we” statements that are fit for specific scenarios just as “I” statements are.

Through life I have struggled with causing miscommunications. Especially in the workplace, as I am known for promoting up into management rolls incredibly fast. The lesson verbal communication has taught me revolves around how to speak to others. By knowing what words to use in situations to convey certain messages is crucial for somebody in the work field. If somebody said this to me, I would say “well duh”, but I would never have been able to logically explain what is appropriate for what situations. Now, with verbal communications skills I am able to place responsibility on myself when needed, on others when appropriate, and on a team as a whole.

The three lessons COM 2206 has taught me will help me succeed happily through life as those questions I asked at the beginning of this paper are no longer questions. Like I said, we are taught at a Younge age how to string together words to mean something and later in life COM 2206 teaches us the rest. It teaches us how our words in different scenarios can mean something entirely different. It teaches us how to handle the words others say to us healthily. And it teaches us how to set boundaries for ourselves so that we know what is expected from others. This is taught through Conflict management styles, verbal communication styles, and expectancy violations.

Work Citations:

Adler, Ronald B, et.al. Interplay. The Process of Interpersonal Communication.Oxford NY. 2018.

[fourletterworld]

Letting Go - Was a Big Brother

He didn't know how to stop, but we had a plan. I held onto the handlebars alongside him and guided him before letting go. He went forward, steering on his own, pedaling and balancing. He'd taken flight, and I was watching something I'd affected. He was laughing. He wanted to look at me but he couldn't take his eyes away.

"Dust! Look!" he called out. I laughed and clapped at him.

I watched as he ran his bike into a large pile of soft dirt. His wheel sunk in and the bike gently tilted on its side. He stood away from his bike and looked directly at me. His smile was as unwilfully brilliant as the sun and my heart bloomed. I didn't know it at the time but the brightness pierced a hole in my young consciousness and grafted onto my memory like silver nitrate. Feeling it now, as a man, I sense the texture of it all the same beneath my fingers. I was a growing boy raising a growing boy. Responsibility and joy had never known each other so well: the way a sober man falls asleep with a pure heart.

And man, sometimes I think, if only I could do it over and have my little baby brother back. If only I could have had some time to become a man so I could have truly guided him. I could have focused if I didn’t have the obstacles of my own adolescent mind hedonistically drawing the curtains over what was happening to that little kid.  

I think if I had a little boy now, that I was to take care of, a powerful resoluteness would overwhelmingly usurp any other color in my life. My son would think I was a warm heart born from stone. I would be the definition of dedication and love. He'd never know a single wild story of my life, and my circular conflict would straighten itself in opposition to my son's unbeaten path. I'd show him how to tackle his obstacles head on, with honesty and thought. I'd teach him how intellect isn't soft, and that it can challenge you toward self-destruction. I would teach him, that the depression he inevitably inherits from me, isn't a black hole to get lost in but a darkness in which to contrast the worlds vast beauty.  I would demonstrate what it is to be a gentleman so that the world won't misguide him, and I would hug him after I lecture him on a hard truth. I would teach him how to throw a punch, and elaborate on the ugliness of hatred. I would show, by example, tolerance. To live within one's own principals, and to illuminate in his mind the intuitive fine lines that sanctions them. I'd teach him that others may cross these boundaries with steam in their eyes, and to always guide them away with equal force. I'd also teach him that some may walk through his borders innocently, and others with intentional love, and that being disarmed by a woman is the most beautiful thing in the world. That her placing her hand on your most painful burn might not hurt, and that in time her touch might cool it into the past. Though if it doesn’t, the touch can make you forget for a moment, and that something new can grow in that tranquil silence.  And I'll also temper myself, and my fearful control, and trust in that organic thing we call unconditional love to unfold and open the rest of his soul toward the sun. I wouldn't be his friend, but his protector, mentor, model, and still, as I was with Cody, an endless summer of love. A pair of strong arms to lift him from the ground or to hold him until I've drawn as much of his hurt into my astonishingly endless threshold, as long as I can, until he will not let me anymore because he has become his own man.

but I think about Cody, and how I don't want to have a little boy in his honor. What a disgrace that could be, like attributing the old name to the new family pet.

No, his story is over, and I still have this muscle memory that springs alive at night to catch him.

Maybe that's all it is. I just have potholes throughout this road that has ran through my whole life, and I'm looking to fill them. I'm holding onto the handlebars and steering him away from falling in even though the little boy is no longer on the seat.

I'd walked into that same paternal quicksand again, but suddenly amidst this dream I see red brake lights in the snowy night.

"Jesus Christ" the electric jolt in my chest screams. I'm suddenly driving a car.

I jerk into the reality of it like I'm falling out of bed. I hold the wheel and cut someone off to avoid a collision and I'm thankful for not slipping on the ice. The windshield is filled with blinding snow, and the falling sheets pass by like light years of stars. It must have lulled me into this daydream. Everything around me is beautiful, but I feel so ugly inside I might as well be taking the scenery in through a motel television.

My adrenaline is going and I use it as an excuse to pull over, but really, I just want to do something unordinary. Chaos seems to work like that. You want to surround yourself with the unusual so you don't feel so strange. It's like giving your weirdness company.

There was a long period of time during the last year I had kept myself company with alcohol in my studio/shed after Bridgette went to sleep. I'd hold my guitar in between long pauses of not playing a single chord with my eyes open and my head full. I hadn't even cared about the gentle ride into drunkenness that beer provides, so I'd started pouring myself whiskey into Tupperware filled with ice so that I could quickly evaporate into some synthetic cloud of euphoria. I grew accustomed to the taste of straight whiskey, but who the fuck would drink it if it had no alcohol? People do it, I guess.

Through my cynical lens I find it depressing thinking about the shells of sobriety trying to salvage their spirit with non-alcoholic drinks. The desire never leaves you, does it? It's always there touching you in that empty space. God, will that be me someday? Always bored, living in forced contentment toward a lower threshold of fun? What about escaping into mental wilderness? What about living through great stories? I worry without the escape I'd turn into something like the Tin Man rusted shut from sadness, having watched my personality fallen asleep from the numbing perfume of adulthood.

Anyhow, these escapes of mine keep me lucid enough to keep doing this thing we all do.

So maybe I should understand Cody’s choices better. I’d sincerely asked him one day to never go down any road that I can’t follow him on, but what example was I setting? I drew a line but I'm no better. I steer toward the same cardinal point but to a lesser degree.

I often go through good days, riding creative highs and getting into the snap of productivity and exercise, but I always have it in the back of my head that there is that escape somewhere whenever I say I need it. Actually, I think part of what I enjoy is the rise and fall. I enjoy the facade of the healthy days. I brag about them like I mean it.

"I feel great, I haven't chewed on my stitches in days!" and I still buy it when I hear it come out of my mouth. I mean, I think I do believe it when I'm in the throes of a really healthy lifestyle, and I even start to think I'm normal, but even then, that's not entirely true.

Normal people don't exist while being overly conscious of not hitting their head on the ceiling. Sometimes I wonder if I'm more normal when I'm drinking because I can be so present, but even that doesn't sound right because normal people rarely look like they're having fun.

Christ, the things people will laugh at. It’s like we all come equipped with canned laughter to put adult tension at ease.  I know because I do it too. It just comes out of me to smooth over oddity.

Then there’s the other kind of eager laughter that wants out so bad we’ll convince ourselves that something amusing is actually funny. I’m guilty of this one too. I just want out so bad that I constantly look for those pockets to howl into, but it never leaves me satisfied.

What I really want is to feel out of control. I want my feelings to have nonsensical company. I want to let go of the handlebars of mind, spirit, and body, and for something overwhelming to take me over completely.

But, is it normal to want every laugh to be the kind that makes you momentarily crazy? Because that is how I want each laugh to be.

I want each laugh to make me lose my fucking mind.

[ladyherenya]

Books read in December

I set myself some reading goals for the end of the year -- finish any books I’d already started, read the books I'd already borrowed, and to read ebooks I’d bought before buying any more. But I guess most of those books just weren’t the right genre? A few exceptions aside, this month I read a bunch of other things instead.

Also read: The Frost Fair Affair and Holiday Brew by Tansy Rayner Roberts, and Sweetest in the Gale and 40-Love by Olivia Dade.

Reread: Love Lettering by Kate Clayborn and Bookish and the Beast by Ashley Poston.

Total: thirteen novels (including two audiobooks and two rereads), three novellas, and three story/novella collections.

Favourite cover: The cover was what caught my attention for Finding My Voice and Old Baggage.

Still reading: Between Silk and Cyanide by Leo Marks, Or What You Will by Jo Walton and The Disorderly Knights by Dorothy Dunnett.

Next up: A Most Improper Magick by Stephanie Burgis.

*

Queen’s Play by Dorothy Dunnett (narrated by David Monteath): In 1548, Francis Crawford of Lymond arrives in France, incognito in order to protect Scotland’s queen, seven-year-old Mary. I enjoyed this, even though I am not very interested in the antics of the French court and thought The Game of Kings benefitted from having more characters who I found wholly likeable and/or who matter, personally, to Lymond. Dunnett is an impressive storyteller -- vivid descriptions, lively dialogue, nuanced characters and twists that take me by surprise. Moreover, those satisfying puzzle pieces explain the plots and intrigue, give insight into personalities and develop the narrative’s themes (here, the consequences of power). 

The Kinship of Secrets by Eugenia Kim: In 1950, four year old Inja lives with her grandparents and uncle in Seoul, while her sister Miran is in America with their parents. War delays the family’s reunion. This is a fascinating portrayal of two sisters growing up in different countries, and an incredibly poignant story about a family separated. Compelling, and beautifully written, and despite moments of intense grief, hopeful. I liked how, in the end, Inja and Miran didn’t have all the answers.. But I wonder if I’d have found the ending more satisfying if I had a deeper understanding of who they both were as adults.

Teacup Magic series by Tansy Rayner Roberts:

Tea and Sympathetic Magic: Stephanie Burgis recommended this novella as something similar to her Harwood Spellbook series and it certainly has a similar appeal: romantic fantasy, bordering on comedy-of-manners territory. Like Georgette Heyer but with magic and diversity and an intention to challenge problematic and outdated attitudes. Charming and cosy, like a good cup of tea rather than a frothy hot chocolate. Miss Mnemosyne Seaborne, a reluctant guest at a houseparty. She joins forces with the other guests after an unexpected abduction occurs. Entertaining, and even though it was too short for me to really become invested, I immediately wanted to read the sequel.

The Frost Fair Affair: After her previous adventures, Mneme has new friends, a suitor and a campaign: overturning the social conventions which prevent women from travelling by portal. After someone in Town steals her political pamphlets, she gets caught up in a mystery. I enjoyed this oh so much! I found myself caring a lot more about Mneme and her relationships; I liked the mixture of intrigue and danger, and how in the cause of dealing with these, Mneme learns more about the man she hopes to marry; and the Frost Fair, on a frozen river, makes a delightful setting. I'd love to read more.

Belladonna U(niversity) series by Tansy Rayner Roberts:

Unreal Alchemy: Oh, this is my new favourite! Urban fantasy about Australian uni students who are connected to an indie rock band, Fake Geek Girl. These stories are funny, geeky and romantic, with great chapter titles and lots of fandom references. They employ different points of view and different narrative styles in a way that’s really effective. I love the characters and how important and intense their non-romantic relationships are. Between them they have a variety of romantic/sexual relationships and feelings, but friendships and familial relationships, like the one between twin sisters Hebe and Holly, also drive the narrative. The first collection contains four stories/novellas.

Fake Geek Girl -- Ferd moves into the Manic Pixie Dream House; Holly and Sage argue about the future of the band.

Unmagical Boy Story -- Viola has feelings about her best friend losing his magic, transferring colleges and making new friends.

The Bromancers --  The band and frriends spend a weekend at a magical music festival.

The Alchemy of Fine -- A prequel about the band’s origins.

Holiday Brew: This collection is more serious and less overtly fandom-y than the first, but arguably still very meta (especially if you consider Viola, Jules and Ferd as a response to the trio in Harry Potter). I sat down intending to read just one of these stories -- and ended up reading them all.

Halloween Is Not A Verb -- Holly invites various people to their mums’ place for Halloween.

Solstice on the Rocks -- A short story about university graduation.

Kissing Basilisks --  Begins on New Year’s Day, is compelling, and picks up the non-band-related narrative threads from Fake Geek Girl.

Missing Christmas by Kate Clayborn: This novella is loosely connected to Beginer's Luck but stands alone. It's sweet. Business partners and best friends Jasper and Kristen pay a last minute trip to a client and get trapped by a blizzard, which pushes them to reconsider the boundaries they’ve drawn in their relationship. I liked the moments which showed that they’re an effective team because they know each other so well and can communicate through subtle body language. 

Finding My Voice by Marie Myung-Ok Lee: Ellen is a Korean-American teenager in her final year of high school. Her story is about applying for college, gymnastics training, Ellen’s relationships with her best friend and her first boyfriend, dealing with racism at school and with her parents’ expectations that she will follow her sister to Harvard. It’s very short, first published in 1993. I was aware of all the places where a YA novel written today would be allowed to give more details and to expand the story, but it was still interesting.

The Magnolia Sword: A Ballad of Mulan by Sherry Thomas: I’ve borrowed this several times this year, only to return it unread each time, and I was starting to wonder if I really wanted to read it. But once I actually sat down and focused, I quickly realised that I definitely did! I became completely engrossed in this Mulan retelling. It’s a tense adventure. I enjoyed the characters and their interactions, particularly the elaborate courtesy of formal conversations, and the way Mulan and her companions value loyalty and camaraderie. I thought this was a very believable take on the whole girl-disguised-as-a-boy thing too.

Dear Mrs Bird by AJ Pearce: In 1940, Emmy wants a newspaper job but is instead typing up letters for a women’s magazine and discarding mail from readers whose problems are Unacceptable. Frustrated that Mrs Bird won’t offer advice to so many women in need, Emmy's tempted to take matters into her own hands. Her optimism means she makes some naive mistakes, some of which made me wince, but it’s also an incredible strength. She's delightful company. I really like how much of this story is about her friendship with Bunty and I enjoyed the insight into women's magazines and the Auxiliary Fire Service.

The Lonely Hearts Dog Walkers by Sheila Norton: Recently separated, Nicola moves back in with her mother, starts as a teaching assistant at her daughter’s new school, gets a puppy and joins a group of dog walkers, who embark upon a mission to save the local park. This was very low-angst and, once I realised the sort of story it was, kind of predictable. I can recognise the appeal of this brand of realism, but personally would have preferred more humour or more emotional complexity. Were Nicola a colleague, it’d be easy to find things in common to discuss, but her story wasn’t quite what I was looking for.

Chasing Lucky by Jenn Bennett: When Josie and her mother return to Beauty to look after the family bookshop, Josie has plans -- keep to herself, finish high school, secure a photography apprenticeship, move to LA. But after Josie accidentally breaks a store-front window and her childhood friend Lucky takes the blame, Josie’s priorities change. I enjoyed this more than I expected to. I particularly liked how Lucky subverts people’s expectations, and how Josie’s family works at communicating better with each other.

Old Baggage by Lissa Evans (narrated by Joanna Scanlan): It’s 1928 and Mattie Simpkin, a now-middle-aged militant suffragette, lives in Hampstead with her friend Florrie Lee (aka The Flea). Mattie gives lectures about the suffragettes but realises she’s not reaching the younger generation. So she starts a club for “healthy outdoor fun” for teenage girls. Mattie is wonderfully forthright -- amusing, engaging and informative when it comes to things she’s passionate about -- but she’s also fallible.  A really delightful yet bittersweet story about friendship and loss and the opportunities available for women. I liked its awareness that being able to loudly be yourself is a privilege not everyone has. 

There’s Something About Marysburg series by Olivia Dade:

Teach Me: Rose is unimpressed -- not only must she share her classroom with the new history teacher, he’s been given her Honors World History class. There’s something particularly satisfying about people who have been hurt and lonely finding support and love in each other. I like that they get to know each other over many months. I like Martin’s relationship with his teenage daughter and Rose’s relationship with her ex’s parents is so touching that one scene made me cry. And it was interesting seeing the US school system from the perspective of experienced teachers; I appreciated the details about their jobs.

Sweetest in the Gale: a Marysburg story collection contains three novellas about couples in their forties.

Sweetest in the Gale -- Griff is worried when Candy, a fellow English teacher, returns for the new school year uncharacteristically sombre and subdued. A really sweet romance about people who are navigating loss and grief.

Unraveled -- Maths teacher Simon is assigned to observe and mentor the new art teacher, Poppy. I enjoyed the threads of mystery.

Cover Me -- After a concerning mammogram result, Elizabeth marries an old friend so she’s covered by his health insurance. Predictable as anything, but that made it a safe position from which to explore serious and sobering topics.

40-Love: I’m not interested in tennis or holiday resorts; I was disappointed that this novel wouldn’t show Tess being an assistant principal; and even though some of my favourite fictional couples have a significant age-gap, I’m wary about age-gap romances (and socially-programmed to think it’s odd for a woman to date a much younger guy). But I liked the other stories in this series and I was curious. It’s Not really My Cup of Tea, but I was convinced that Tess and Lucas were both capable of making their (somewhat unconventional) relationship work. An interesting exercise in challenging my social-programming.

The Viscount Who Loved Me by Julia Quinn: After watching Bridgerton (not always to my tastes but mostly fun), curiosity prompted me to read the opening of the second novel, and I was so entertained by Kate Sheffield verbally sparring with the viscount, whom Kate is determined to prevent from marrying her younger sister. I continued to be entertained up until the viscount acts a bit too entitled on his wedding night (that’s unattractive, if outrightly problematic). Which left me in rather an uncharitable mood for the final act, so I can’t identify if the drama of dealing with past traumas didn’t meet the standard of the earlier comedy or if I just hold such scenes to differing standards.

[vvolgarov]

“I don’t think I'll ever adapt to the fact that I’ve raised a kid, you know?” Flicking the tip of the cigarette onto the ashtray to leave the burnt residue onto the plate, taking a momentary break from trying tobacco. Openness regarding this discussion wasn’t admittedly common from his end, but the listener in mind was trusted enough to engage in a conversation regarding the topic. “Never categorized myself as a paranoid parent -- let alone, an actual parent, but there’s some worry behind the future of Seiko. Sure, he’s getting the needed help and a fantastic support system but It’s getting difficult for me to imagine an individual lifestyle. Knowing his personality type and how he’s familiar to his mother, there’s no denial he’ll aim to prove his worth through being capable of performing things by himself. “ -- And, I get it -- That’s fantastic that he wants to obtain more likeness from me through such actions of individuality. Never thought he’d consider learning cooking considering how we both started off knowing each other, but in current day he’s the one that’s preparing pancakes, per request. With apricot Jam. I don’t ask for it, but It’s appreciated. I return favors at the end of the day.” The listener tilted their head to the side, growing curious of Jay’s tensed up frame while remaining his demeanor relatively calm. It’s incredible to how well he managed to train his frame to remain still, scarcely allowing the guest in mind to observe the changes of his feelings. The key to noticing his worries happened to be the shakiness in his hand, particles of burnt pieces of tobacco getting onto the table as the vampire found himself distracted by his own approached subject. “It all mainly depends from how the relationship carries on with you and him, Jay. Most healthy dynamics with their parents and children remain that the parent is still involved with their ‘hatchling’ --  but in ways that are far more distant and allow the younger adult to feel that they aren’t watched over on a daily basis.” The guest would speak of their view regarding this discussion, implying that giving Seiko his opportunity for a more individual lifestyle won’t exactly mean that he won’t still rely on his father figure on future decisions of even projects -- had there been any by then.

“You established a fantastic relationship with a boy that began with never-ending conflicts and carried on with further on trauma that soured the formed progress between your and his relationship. Your mother, father involved themselves into your struggles of raising someone so young, never mind the fact you where at the age that people ‘expect’ you to carry out things on your own.” “ ... “ “For certain, you’ve done a number of things by yourself, but all did stem from your parents ability to teach you how to learn to obtain, perform things. They taught you how to walk, you learned such necessary mobility skill and used such skill to traverse specific distances, perform specific exercises and more. Other people came to aid here and there. This can be applicable to your Valentis boy. You instructed him how to eat healthy portions when he ate measly rice, now his friends will assist him when they hang out. You will nudge him when you see his plate, he will remember with each reminder. There’s inevitably going to be people in his life to assist him with something he isn’t sure of, or requires a second opinion.” “Right. Right ... I don’t think there’s going to be his buddies, pals helping him out all day and night. Considering his tendency to shut himself down from communicating with people during a depressive episode, hardly allowing me to come into his room when he’s going through such a scenario. I don’t want to find myself into a point of life where I use a fucking axe to chop down his door just to give him Philadelphia cheese on a bagel with some salmon so he doesn’t end up starving. I don’t doubt that Mikey is his second-choice when It comes to a safety net, but... “ “You don’t exactly trust Michael?” “I do, trust ... him. Admittedly, none of this comes from me whether I trust him or not. It comes from the fear of discovering that the trusted person in mind might be fed up with all of this all suddenly and worsen the situation. Hotheaded jocks aren’t exactly a good dynamic with canine people who have a tendency to overstep boundaries and provoke them. I do have a feeling Michael might feel exhausted overtime If Seiko seeks for emotional support but pesters him for the majority of the time.” “That can be typically solved If they engage in a genuine argument regarding this issue and strive to discuss about it to set a clear boundary and understand each other’s perspective. While Michael can heat up as a kettle and Seiko can return the level of attitude fired at him, there’s no doubt that there will come a point both parties will realize their behavior -- contemplate it and aim to fix the issue. On top of that, Celeste is there to be Michael's guidance. His parents even, though I do recognize the possibility that the advice from the eldest is more heard due to similarity in age and her experiencing events that are familiar to his.” The given answer did cross his mind enough to understand that It isn’t his issue alone to figure out. It seemed like the listener didn’t deem this subject as easy and carried on with their say regarding this matter, without them remotely pointing out his paranoid tendencies. No, he shouldn’t call this paranoid -- This is normal to worry as a parent who’s behind caring after a living being with their own thinking, ability to decide and function. His fear originated from the traumatic experience his son endured at his youth, an event worsening his mental health and leading up to relying aid from those that have never experienced scenarios of mental health deterioration from their closer parties. The few times that his son was left by himself during mental health oriented matters as he stressed out; the scenarios he was left by himself in his bedroom with no one to provide him to eat before he fainted -- you see, his diet hardly consisted of any products that contained iron and allowed him to faint in a much speedier time. Jay’s aim was to make sure that Seiko wouldn’t ever face a point of struggle in life, but he’s beginning to understand that he is not supposed to become overbearing over his own fears. He’s trying to admit to himself that the more recent companions, the friends and family that came along the way -- are significantly different from the prior experiences. He ended up letting the cigarette burn entirely. The sole thing that allowed him to realize such was the minor burning sensation in between of his index finger and middle finger. Following with curse word, shaking his hand to shake away the burning particles before blowing into his hand to cool off his fingers from the heat. “You are a good father, Jay.” The companion would comment, stirring their straw to the cocktail they had made for themselves using the miniature bar the host has provided in his own home. Finding themselves almost chuckling when the host went completely silent after their statement. Had this man been deeply carrying such concern for quite a while? It can be told from the way the father of the canine demon has reacted. An even number of parents typically are certain of their parenting methods, with an even number being sure that they represent a fit parent based on how their youth grows up. You can tell he wasn’t frequently told of such fact. It seemed like such words can be enough to convince the older man that he can allow his son to reach for that individualistic lifestyle and initiate a stage in his life that he is the one behind his own decisions. Not his adoptive father, nor the Erblindet elders, not his partner in mind or his family -- yet he can still seek for guidance when he has an issue that is in need of solving. “Thank you, Artemis. I can’t argue against your pointers when we do really have a chain of supporting one another -- and It won’t stop when Seiko steps a stage in life where he does things by himself, most of the time.”

[bananachistudy]

The Subtle Art Of Not Giving A F*ck: A Review

At first, I was in doubt about this book. Everyone around me keeps making jokes about the book and belittling it. It is probably because it has a curse word in its title. Some even claimed that the book is a shitty motivational book like any other motivational books (even when they haven't read the book). Some also claimed that this book promotes egoism and selfishness. But I cannot help to keep referenced to this book in every life conversation I had. Someone said "stop giving a fuck to it," and suddenly I remember this book. Yes, to the point that it pique my curiosity to actually read it. And I am here after finishing the book in two days, writing this review with my opinion of: it is not bad as people keep saying it is.

To quote a good friend of mine, "The book delivers obvious things about life in a harsh way full of cursing." It is obvious for people who already thought about the existential contemplation that the book delivers in such popular and intimate way. But sometimes we still need it to validate the contemplation, or to give clear trigger for people who haven't yet encounter the existential crisis in their life. The book talks about toxic positivity and how suffering is unavoidable. It refers to a lot of Zen Buddhism teachings, probably because the writer travels a lot and for American people, traveling to Asia means embracing Buddhism or some kind.

The first half book talks about existential contemplation straight forward. With a package of "intimate" harsh cursing words just like how western people talk with their mate, Mark Manson delivers serious issues in the most relatable way possible for western first-world middle-class people. Yes, it is that specific and he also stated it at the beginning of the book.

We joke online about "first world problems," but we really have become victims of our own success. Stress-related health issues, anxiety disorders, and cases of depressions have skyrocketed over the past thirty years, despite the fact that everyone has a flat-screen TV and can have their groceries delivered. Our crisis is no longer material, it's spiritual. (Chapter 1)

The book might be not relatable and useful for those who still contemplate material things they need as what to eat tomorrow and how to pay the bills. The book is useful only for those people who already have their needs fulfilled but still feeling an unfulfilling void in their heart that burden for their whole life.

My first impression of motivational book is always bad as it usually delivers positivity so much that it becomes toxic. But The Subtle Art of Not Giving A F*ck is not that kind of motivational book. I would go as far as saying that this is a popular philosophical book rather than a motivational one. It criticizes motivational media's popular toxic positivity and promotes embracing human faults. It referencing Buddhism value where suffering and problems are unavoidable and we should accept it as a process of life instead. It talks about how media is contributing so much to our mindset that it made society normalize extraordinary people and promotes consumerism that confuses our priorities, how insignificant are we compared to the universe and how fine being as it is, how we are responsible for our own acts, and how we should stop being entitled by minding our own business and focus on our inner self more. The book also promotes healthy boundaries in relationships, teaches on how to say no, and that commitment is needed in life.

Though I wouldn't deny that the last half of the book is not good reading. But that's because I'm not the target of the book marketing. The last half delivers stories about Manson's experience in his middle class western young adult reckless life and how he found enlightenment in traveling around the world. It's not something that I, a lower-class third world country citizen would enjoy. But I do understand that kind of content is needed for the marketing purposes as the target would be in awe with those kinds of experience and thus would agree that the writer already settled all of his things into the rightest one and believable, even when he already stated that he is still wrong.

Growth is an endlessly iterative process, When we learn something new, we don't go from "wrong" to "right." Rather, we go from wrong to slightly less wrong... We are always in process if approaching truth and perfection without actually ever reaching the truth of perfection. (Chapter 6)

If anything I would change the title to stop the meme of people joking and belittling this book into "The Subtle Art Of Prioritizing, Rejecting, And Making Commitment" but that would not do the PR and marketing. This book deserves more than the meme but unfortunately, a vast group of people feeling entitled after reading the book (which is the exact opposite reason on what the writer wants people to be after reading the book) make The Subtle Art of Not Giving A F*ck image even worse. People would blame the book while the book really contributes a fault on its content, but is not the book's responsibility on the reader's destructive actions after reading the book.

Nevertheless, the book is a fun good reading. It validates my contemplation and gave me courage in prioritizing. Some people might consider this prioritizing as a selfish act but what truly matters for me is really just myself and people or things that I consider precious and important. Other than that, I have learned (a bit) about the subtle art to not give a f*ck.

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Oct. 07, 2017 04:56AM EST

10+ Habits of Toxic Parents and How They Ruin Children Without Realizing It

When you have a child, your entire life changes. Suddenly, everything is for the baby. Every parent wants to be able to do right by their kids.

But there are many things that stand between you and being not a good parent, but the kind of parent your child needs.

That's the right way to look at it, in my opinion. Good and bad are relative. But all kids need approximately the same thing in order to grow into happy, healthy, successful human beings.

Parents neglect to give their kids what they need for a lot of reasons. I've seen parents read so many parenting books that they end up not knowing which way is the right way.

I've also seen parents who just don't care, letting their kids do whatever they feel like, or even worse, neglecting and abusing them.

One thing is for sure, there are a number of truly toxic behaviors that imprint on our kids and deeply, profoundly impact their life growing up.

These are habits and actions that you should be avoiding at all costs. Some are physical, some psychological, and some are social.

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If you know someone who's recently become a parent or is about to be, be sure to share this article with them to help them be the best parents they can be.

1. Not Respecting Boundaries

It's important for parents to think about the boundaries they've set for their children.

When I was young, my parents established some very important boundaries.

Stay out of the parents bedroom. Stay out of mom's office. Stay out of dad's man cave.

There were good reasons for those rules! You're adults, you own things like porno mags and marital aids. You don't want kids getting into that!

But kids also have things they don't want you to get into too. You can't expect kids to feel like respected individuals if you also don't honor their personal space and their boundaries too.

When your kids get older into their teen years, you should not be snooping.

They don't go through your underwear drawer, you shouldn't go through theirs either.

They're old enough that simply talking to them about worries you might have are good enough. Use your words. Don't be intrusive.

2. Failing To Provide Affirmation and Security

A lot of parents, stereotypical macho dad types especially, think that punishment is king.

It takes tough love to shape and sculpt especially young boys into strong, capable young men.

But tough love isn't how you make sure your kids can take care of themselves. Teaching them to take care of themselves is how you teach them to take care of themselves.

Simple, right? By punishing your children over every little thing, you cripple their ability to be strong in the face of life's challenges, because any sign of failure will be met with swift...something.

Not punishment, but...something. Disappointment. Frustration. Anger. Withholding.

We should be teaching our kids about the world as an adult.

When you're an adult and you fail at something, you don't have some authority figure that takes away your gameboy until you do better.

You try harder to do better, and that comes from within.

3. Being Overly Critical

We all have dreams and goals that we don't achieve.

Maybe you wanted to be a football star but you tore your ACL in high school and all that went out the window.

Maybe you were almost the math league champ but didn't quite make it. One thing is for sure: you should not be projecting your failures onto your children.

You can't force your kids to be something that you wish you were. When you do that, you crush their self esteem.

When you project what you want for your kids onto them without letting them choose, and when you level unrealistic expectations, you don't make them better or stronger.

You make them weaker and less likely to be empowered with the tools to take on the challenges of their adult lives.

4. Not Following Through

Parents want to be their kids' best friends. But that's not what kids want.

You don't want to unintentionally raise a terrible adult, and one of the ways you avoid that is by setting rules and actually following through with them.

If you're a new parent, it's good to experiment a little; to see what works and what doesn't.

But at some point you have to see what guidelines and rules work and actually follow through on them. I get it. No parent wants to punish their kids.

No parent wants to tell their kids what's what and see those tears well up. But you need to be able to not manipulate but adjust the mindset of your kids through these guidelines.

You don't want to crush bad habits but develop and incentivize good habits.

5. Not Offering Space

As your kids get older, they need more space from you. This is an important part of growing up.

At some point, you have to stop telling them what to do and you have to stop doing important things for them.

You can't do their homework. You can't write their college entrance essay.

At some point, you need to look at your kids and say, "figure it out. I'll help if you need me too." But even then, make sure that you're not doing anything of the figuring out for them.

Be ready to let your "baby" go when they know they need to figure things out on their own.

Parents who deeply love their kids find it hard to let go the part of their life where mommy and daddy are crucial for every little thing.

But to impose yourself long after that kind of parenting is needed is wrong.

6. Serving Your Kids

You should have a strong sense by now that the right form of parenting is somewhere in the middle of both extremes.

You don't want to throw your kids to the wolves but you also don't want to serve them. When your kids are old enough to learn to cook, teach them to cook.

When your kids are old enough to do laundry, have them do laundry. When your kids are old enough to drive, for God's sake, teach them to drive.

It is important that you don't pamper and serve your kids forever. They need to learn vital skills to maintain themselves as adults.

One of the things I find myself bemoaning the most is how much skill has been lost between my grandparents and me.

There are a lot of skills they had that I just didn't have instilled in me. It's important to give your kids the knowledge that you were given, and pampering them won't teach them anything good.

7. Threatening and Intimidating Your Kids

It's frustrating dealing with the little things with your kids.

They often become afraid and unsure at things that are simple and second nature for you.

They don't always succeed at self control which can be endlessly difficult for a parent simple trying to parent the right way. But what you absolutely can't do is level threats.

"If you don't _____ then _____." "If you ever ____, this is what's going to happen to you."

Under this kind of authority, you've completely destroyed your child's confidence in you.

They won't feel like they can come to you for help because a threat has been leveled.

How can you really talk to a person candidly and honestly about something you're going through if you feel like the result is going to be a punishment of some kind?

8. Helicoptering

The millennial generation will tell horror stories of helicopter parenting.

Check out any reddit thread about helicopter parents and you'll see the carnage they leave behind in the form of adults who don't know up from down and left from right.

When you have a baby, you have to do everything for it. You have to do everything in your power to care for it and make sure it survives.

But you have to let some of that go as time goes by.

You have to honor their mistakes and appreciate their successes and let them grow into independent people.

If you don't, you've raised an adult who doesn't have the skills necessary to succeed on their own.

9. Not Listening

I'll let you in on a secret: kids aren't stupid.

They can read sarcasm and tell when you're condescending and not listening to them because you think they're just some dumb kid.

Parents: you need to listen to your kids. It's hard to find value in the babble they sometimes send off into the world through their faces but it doesn't matter.

When you listen to your kids, and I mean really listen, it tells them that they're unique individuals who have something to offer this world that we're living in.

True, a 4 year old probably won't ever have something particularly compelling to say to you, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't show them that what they say is important, because it actually is.

Stuff that seems mundane to you might be absolutely mind blowing to them.

If a child tells you that she saw a brown dog that day, hear what they're saying. That may be a first for them.

They want to talk about the incredible experiences they have the same way you do. Listen to your kids.

10. Being A Lazy Parent

For some parents, kids come into the picture and it's so overwhelming that they just kind of hit cruise control and zone out.

Lots of frozen TV dinners and movies in the car.

It's easy to park a kid in front of the TV for 6 hours and then just sit around and be lazy, but being a parent takes work.

It's the hardest job you can possible have. But you have to actually teach your children things. You have to spend time with them, cook with them, and instill all these healthy habits.

It's hard to get your kid to eat well, but you have to. It's hard to get your kid to brush their teeth and floss, but you have to.

It's hard to teach your kid to manage their own homework, to drive a car, to get a job, but all of these things are so fundamentally important that skipping just one can cripple your child for life.

Don't be a lazy parent.

11. Being Friends With Your Child

Not long ago, I was reading about how many kids entering college, when asked about their relationship with their parents, they said their parents were their "best friends."

This is not the kind of relationship that any child should have with their parents until much, much later in life.

A 17-19 year old fledgling of the house should not see their parents as friends but as parents.

You are your child's world to give them guidance, structure, and rules. When our kids, in their volatile teen years, lash out at you for your rigidity, it is not a sign to let up.

It's also not a sign to clamp down. It is a sign you're doing the right thing. You're teaching them, and sometimes these lessons are hard to learn. Your kids should not view you as a friend, but as a parent.

Are you still searching for your life purpose? You won't believe what the science of Numerology can reveal about you!

That's right, the numerology of your birth date, regardless of what month you were born, can reveal surprising information about your personality.

Unlock the messages hidden in your Personality Code now with your free personalized video report!

Click HERE to learn what Numerology says about your life using only your Name and Birth Date.

If you found this article interesting or entertaining, please remember to SHARE the content with your family and friends on Facebook!

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"FIT FEATURE: ALEX PAINE" - BY MIKECON PHOTOGRAPHY

First and foremost, I want to thank you all for reading this blog. I’m writing this one primarily because it’s been a long time coming since this came out. This blog is actually supposed to be in a magazine. I won’t say which one however, the magazine did say years ago that they’d use the images, but then when they had a change of staff, they then changed their tune and stated that they made no written promise that they’d publish the photos of Alex. Thus, was my reason for making my own, “Fit Feature(s)” on my own website for the world to see. I added more images from other shoots inside of the blog just to make up for lost time. Our initial shoot that was on 14 November 2016, so almost 4 years later, I’m going to post this. Alex has since updated the information on all of her accomplishments, so sit back and take a ride with me.

HERE WE GO! …Oh man, there’s a lot to say about this amazing athlete. Alex Paine is something awesome. I literally have met only a handful of people that are energetic and fun to work with in my career. No matter how many times I’ve worked with Alex, she has always brought me her best. On 17 May 2017, I received an email from her Mother Rhonda that read, “Thank you so much for helping my daughter, Alex, with her dream.” To me that was awesome because not a lot of parents take interest, or support their children’s dreams when they’re older. I’m always proud of Alex, and I’ll always support her because she’s just awesome people! Once you get to know her, you will know exactly why she’s awesome!

Describe your life before you started training.

Before I started training, health was never really anything that crossed my mind. I was not active, although a played a few sports in school, and I never cared about diet. I was fortunate enough when I was younger to have parents that understood the importance of diet and nutrition so I never had issues with weight until later in life. When I went to college I ate whatever I wanted and did not participate in any kind of active lifestyle. I quickly began putting on weight and indulging in a very unhealthy lifestyle. 

How different do you feel now compared to then?

I feel stronger, more confident, and empowered by my accomplishments. I am a happier and healthier person because of the hard work and dedication that I have put into myself.  By pushing the boundaries of my physical limits through training I have not only become a more successful athlete but these traits have crossed over into other aspects of my life and I have found that I work harder on my education and relationships. It is amazing how when one aspect of your life is in order the rest of it seems to fall into place. Be happy, be healthy!

Was there is pivotal moment that motivated you to start training? If so, what was it?

I was a junior in college when I started noticing that my life decisions had led to quite a bit of weight gain and I realized I was no longer happy with how I looked or how I felt. I knew that something needed to change. I was not active, I did not eat well, and I was starting to become very unhappy with my physical appearance. Although all of these were large factors the biggest turning point was when I went on a hiking trip with my friends. I have always loved the outdoors and hiking has always been a passion of mine; however, this time was different. I found myself struggling to keep up with my friends and feeling completely unprepared for the trip. I had stopped taking care of myself and because of this I was no longer able to do the things I loved and I knew then that I needed to make a change.

Do you remember your first training session? How different is your training today?

My first training sessions were all about cardio. I would spend hours everyday on the elliptical doing steady state cardio while I read or studied for exams. I figured as long as I was moving I was burning calories and that was all that mattered for losing the weight. This worked slowly but I realized I was not getting the results I wanted. I changed from cardio to doing some popular workout videos that incorporated lightweight training mixed with HIIT cardio and I started noticing that not only was I losing weight but I was also getting stronger. This is when I got addicted to weight training and strength development. I stopped doing cardio and focused on weight training, on lifting heavy, and just getting stronger. After two years of heavyweight training I decided that I wanted to compete in a bodybuilding show. Today my focus is on competing so I train differently. I still primarily weight train but focus more on certain body parts and concentrate on symmetry when deciding what and how to train. 

What has been the most rewarding aspect of training for you? Why?

Seeing results! These may have been slow and gradual at times but when I take the time to look back and see how far I have come, the reward that I feel makes everything I have done to reach my fitness goals worth it.  I am always growing, always changing, and always reaching new goals. Fitness is progress and this progress is what makes this lifestyle so rewarding. 

What has continued to motivate you throughout your training? Why?

The fitness community associated with Musclemania and Fitness Universe have been a huge part of what has motivated me throughout my training. There are many different organizations out there and every competitor must find the one that fits them best. For me that has been Fitness Universe. The support they give their athletes is completely remarkable. They promote their athletes on social media and on their websites and are always checking in on their athlete’s progress. The production of their shows is also above and beyond that of any organization that I have ever seen. Each athlete gets his or her moment in the spotlight on the stage and each person is made to feel like a star. The community of athletes is like no other, I have made many lifetime friends in this organization – from competitors to promoters – and would not be were I am today in this industry if it was not for their support! 

What are your qualifications - why did you set out to achieve these?

I attended Buena Vista University for my undergraduate degree from which I graduated summa cum ladde with a bachelor in biology. Currently, I am a full time graduate student conducting research on science education at the University of Colorado-Boulder. I have already earned her Masters in Molecular, Cellular, ad Developmental biology, studying Fat metabolism and Glucose homeostasis in Type II diabetes. I am currently pursuing my PhD in the same field studying Scientific Teaching. 

Teaching is my passion. Whether that is fitness or science, I love it all. In the future I aim to become a teaching professor at a university where I can inspire and prepare young adults for careers in science.

In my free time I work as a personal trainer, posing coach, and I even run my own business - Xela’s Customs, for which I design and competition suits and theme wear. I make my own theme wear, bikinis, and have even been the sponsored suit provider for multiple local Musclemania shows. Recently I have expanded this business to be more encompassing to better serve my clients by adding hair, makeup, and tanning packages for athletes.

What have you had to overcome to get to where you are today? Did that change you in any way? If so, describe how.

One struggle that I have had to overcome is one that is actually quiet common among people in the bodybuilding/fitness industry, which is body dysmorphia.  This is a disorder in which people constantly think about and obsess over their real or perceived flaws. The reason this is so common for those who focus a lot of effort into competing is because we are trained to analyse our bodies for symmetry, fat percentage, as well as muscle size and shape. This can be overwhelming and start to consume you. Body dysmorphia is something that consumed me after my first show and is something that I have and continue to struggle with on a daily basis. I work every day to not focus on my flaws and I consistently work towards reflecting on the positive aspects of myself. I push myself to promote my own self-love. It is important for competitors and everyone alike to be realistic and honest with themselves, not to put pressure on being perfect, and to love themselves and be proud of all the hard work they are putting into their health and fitness. 

What is the number one lesson you have learned about health and fitness through your training?

Nutritional decisions are the number one component of fitness that will give you results; whether this is weight loss or muscular development, nutrition is key.  Finding a nutritional portfolio that fits both your body type and goals is probably one of the hardest parts of fitness but once you have found what works it is easy to live a healthy lifestyle that promotes working towards your fitness goals. 

What do you wish you had known when you were 16?

You only have one body so take care of it and don’t be afraid to chase your dreams!

Describe how training makes you feel.

I love training and spending time in the gym; the gym is truly my happy place. I can escape from everything when I train and just focus on the reps. Its freeing and invigorating all at the same time. There is no feeling like training hard in the gym. The release of endorphins I get when I train and escape from the world that I feel really makes training my favorite part of the day. 

Do you have a quote that you live by? If so, why this one?

“Everything you ever wanted is on the other side of fear.” Fear of failure is what prevents many of us from chasing our dreams. You may have to face your fears in order to accomplish the things that mean the most to you, but once you have the reward is worth every part of your struggle. So face your fears head on and take control of your future!

What was your reason for taking health and fitness to the level you have? Why is it so important to you?

Competing is fun, but honestly my favorite part of fitness is helping others. I love being a motivator and helping others see their potential when it comes to fitness, I want to motivate and encourage, specifically women, to push the boundaries of what they believe their bodies are capable of.  I want to be a role model to women. I want to motivate and encourage girls too see that being strong is amazing, that living a healthy lifestyle is rewarding, and seeing your body change is worth more than anything you can buy.

What advice would you give to women wanting to get into the best shape of their life?

Think about the other 23 hours in your day. Its’ not the 1 hour in the gym that will get you fit, it is the other 23 hours of the day. In other words, going to the gym is great for your health but if you neglect to provide your body with the correct nutrients, neglect to provide your body with the rest it needs, or give your body substances that are harmful in this time, you will not see the progress that you are working for in that hour at the gym. 

What is the most important thing women need to remember when training? Why?

Progress is slow; it does not and will not happen overnight. You have to stay persistent and consistent in your training and nutrition if you want to see results. 

Fitness is not a crash diet or a few weeks of weight training in the gym; fitness is a lifestyle. Fitness is a journey of self -discovery and change. 

We all have days where motivation is low – how do you overcome these? Have you always been able to do this?

When my motivation is low I reflect on my goals. I think about what I want now in comparison to what I want most and then make a decision about what I can do today to get me one step closer to that goal. By having a goal and reflecting on that goal you keep yourself accountable as well as provide yourself with the perspective you need to keep moving toward that goal.  

What would you like to see change in the health and fitness industry?

Honesty. This is especially important for women. When women see pictures of competitors, models, and girls on their favorite magazines they think “I want to look like that!” and in many cases what these girls look in these images is neither healthy nor maintainable. As a competitor I play with my foods, water, and even salt intake to look the way I do on show day and by the next day I will look completely different. Unfortunately, this information is not what is shared with these images, instead slogans like “lose 5 pounds in 10 days” or “get abs like these” are featured next to these women giving those reading these messages the hope to someday look like the model on the magazine.  By bringing in honesty about what that model had to do to look like that or even just producing images of women who live a healthy and maintainable lifestyle, women will have a better understanding and more realistic goals of the body that fitness can give them.

What would a perfect Sunday involve for you?

Sunday is my rest day. I love spending my Sunday’s with family and of course my two little dogs. Sleeping in is a must, followed by a small brunch and a day at the dog park with my pups. 

Contest history - Do you have a highlight? Why?

Musclemania Colorado Natural Tour 

Ms. Bikini Mile High 2015

Mile High Model Champion 2015

Top 5 Finalist at Ms. Bikini Colorado 2015

Top 5 Finalist at Ms. Fitness Colorado 2015

Colorado Model Champion 2016

First Runner-up Ms. Bikini Colorado 2016

Colorado Model Champion 2017

Overall Colorado Bikini (Pro Card Earned) 2017

Colorado Model Champion 2019

First Runner-up Rocky Mountain Figure 2019 

First Runner-up Rocky Mountain Women’s Physique 2019

Colorado Figure Champion 2019

First Runner-up Colorado Championship Women’s Physique 2019

Fitness America Weekend 

Top 25 Finalist at Ms. Bikini America 2015

Top 10 Model America 2016

FirstRunner-up Ms. Bikini America 2016

First-Runner up Commercial Model America 2017

Top 10 Ms. Bikini Professional America 2017

First Runner-up Figure America 2019

Top 5 Women’s Physique America 2019

Top 5 Sports Model America 2019

Top 10 Ms. Bikini Professional America 2019

Diet

I eat 5 to 6 small-portioned meals throughout the day that are high in proteins and healthy fats and lower in carbs.  I always stick to clean and whole foods. Some of my favorite clean proteins are chicken and tilapia and my favorite healthy fats come from nuts and avocados. Detailed information about my nutrition is copyrighted by my trainer and coach Allen (Watty) Watkins from Team Tried and True.

I highly recommend spending the time and money to find and hire a coach as they provide a scientific approach to weight loss and muscular development. I know some people do not always want to spend the money on this aspect of fitness but you have to look at it from the point of view of your health. You are spending money on your health, your well being, your confidence. You are only given one body and, in my opinion, there is no amount of money that would prevent me from taking care of my body. 

Workout week

Monday – Legs (hamstring focus) 

Tuesday  - Shoulders and Triceps

Wednesday – Back and Biceps 

Thursday – Legs (Quad focus)

Friday – Back and Arms

Saturday – Shoulders and Abs

Sunday -  Rest day

QUICK QUESTIONS:

What is your favorite food to indulge on? How often do you treat yourself?

Halo top Ice cream is by far my favorite indulgence. Its low calorie ice cream that is high in protein, low and carbs, and best of all, tastes like real ice cream! 

What is your best beauty secret?

As a makeup artist, I can not stress enough the importance of taking a break from makeup – I try to only wear coverage products, like foundations, when I absolutely have to, otherwise I just put on some light moisturizer with SPF and call it a day. This keeps my skin clear and breakouts to the minimum. 

Who inspires you? Why? 

Without the help of my parents and my boyfriend I do not know if I would be where I am today. Both of my parents were active bodybuilders when I was younger and have maintained a healthy lifestyle to this day. Having them there for me to push me to live a life of fitness and always being there to help me along the way has been truly amazing. My friends have been supportive as well. They are always there for me when I need help with my diet, workouts, cardio routine, or when I just need someone to listen. My coach, Allen Watkins of Team Tried and True has also been a huge inspiration for me. He has pushed me to be the best athlete I can be through intense training regiments and science based nutrition. Without him I would not be the accomplished athlete that I am today.  My friends, family, and supporters have all inspired me every day to get up, to push myself to the limit, and to become the best me I can be.

Who is your fitness and body role model? Why?

Jen Heward - Youtube Personality

This woman is inspirational! She is open and honest about the fitness lifestyle, loves herself and encourages all women to do the same, and motivates women to simply be the best they can be. Her positive attitude and outlook on life puts a smile on my face and always leaves me feeling like “I can do this.”

Dana Linn Bailey and Dani Scho - IFBB Women’s Physique 

These ladies are the original women of what is now known as women’s physique. Their hard work and dedication to the sport is what inspired me to start bodybuilding in the first place and they have been the real driver for my transition into Figure and Women’s Physique. 

What do you have in store for the future? What do you want to improve on?

Fitness related: I want to train harder and put on more size and muscle before my next competition. I also want to become more involved in the Musclemania/Fitness Universe organization. I currently help to organize and produce the local shows in the Colorado area and I hope to continue to pursue this passion for both the local shows in the 2020 season. I am also working on growing my bikini/theme wear business to provide competitors with unique customized suits that simply make them feel like stars on stage. Finally, I am working on becoming a certified personal trainer so that I can help other women reach their fitness goals and find the same happiness that I have found through fitness.

I'm currently preparing for:

Currently I am in my off-season training for my next Fitness Universe competition – either at Fitness Universe Weekend in Miami or Fitness America Weekend in Las Vegas. My goal for the 2020 season is to acquire another pro-card in the Fitness Universe organization as a Figure Pro. 

Website and/or social media: 

Xelas Customs Bikinis Facebook: Paine4Gains Fitness and Xela’s Customs Instagram:@paine4gains and @xelas_customs