im being sentimental again but i think one of the most beautiful things to live for are those moments that explicitely and suddenly show you that you have healed and grown from something. like the day i first cried in front of a friend without feeling entirely nauseas about it and i had the really sudden and random thought that my twelve year old self would be horrified and digusted by my current self. and i had no idea when that happened, at what point i stopped being twelve and scared and started instead just letting myself feel things. it's proof i finally learnt to let people in even if i have no recollection of opening the door. and as a child reading books, i thought romantic love was the best thing that could ever happen to a person, and as a teenager with failing friendships, that dream of being saved by The Love of My Life kept me afloat. but last night i went on a date and yeah it went well, but also when i came home my two flatmates were waiting giggling in my bed like children and we all squeezed in so they could find out every silly detail, and i thought that love was just as beautiful as anything id conjured in my head. like just having those moments in life where you realise you are so different to how you once were, in ways that would both enthrall and horrify your younger self. having proof that you have grown. you have healed. you are making a life that's beautiful
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had a foot out the door before i was stopped again and asked... what the experience of... growing up mixed was “like for me” and i stopped myself from walking out, turned back inside, and gave a very poor answer because i was... uncomfortable. and hadn’t expected the question at all, let alone to be posed so outright. but after i’d made peace with the fact that i wasn’t quite leaving yet and had started leaning on the dining table again, i said the way i figured it, a lot of multiracial people live deliberately. because (at least in my experience) you spend so much time thinking about your place in your own family/your treatment relative to other siblings (i am japanese/white but have half/step siblings that are cuban, black, and white, frequently found that my white sibling was favored by his white parents, my white stepmother, when in the car with her asian child (me) her black child (my sister) and her white child (my brother) that she had ‘robbed the orphanage’ which i mentioned as a joke--and which he found disturbing, and said he wondered why she would say something like that)... i said that all the contemplation you do about yourself/wondering why you don’t ever quite fit in among one side of the family of the other leads to some deep personal reflection, and you emerge out of it with a strong sense of your identity because you have reckoned with both sides independently, and you have found where they converge--because they converge in you.
anyway. he said that he found a lot of mixed people end up “choosing a side” and it’s been weeks and i keep turning that over in my mind. i am so perturbed by it. i keep thinking. why is it so damn important to you that people know you’re japanese. why do you feel the need to bring it up or to talk about it. and i know in part it’s because i have never felt asian enough, and living with my grandmother and kyoko has only dug that trench in further because they refer to my mom/me as ‘americans’ even though they’ve been a citizen and a permanent resident respectively since before my mom was even born... but the complex re-materializes everywhere. i feel disconnected from my culture, but have no family to speak of anymore aside from the asian side. but it just. eats away at me. am i choosing? am i trying to choose? though i know that i can’t get away with choosing, because i don’t look enough like my grandma--like my mom. i’m not enough for them, not enough for the other side of the family.
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I found my old (privated) YouTube videos that I made in high school.
How in gods name did no one ever realize I was autistic. 😭😭😂
Update: I have video fucking evidence from March 17 2009, nearly EXACTLY 14 YEARS AGO, of my dumb adhd ass forgetting what I was saying mid sentence. 🤦♀️ I am naming objects. I had to pick up the last object I literally put down and name it again in order to fucking remember what I was saying. 🤦♀️🤦♀️ HOW. HOW DID NO ONE KNOW. 😩
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Hi hella! I love love your writing and have done so for years and liked your posts but above all else I am a social media lurker at heart. But I wanted to tell you that following you for so long I’ve seen you go off to college and strike out on your own. Your self reflection and how you move through your life is so inspiring. I feel like your proud distant auntie sometimes cheering you on from afar. Growing up and going through school and into your adulthood is so confusing and frustrating and depressing sometimes but I’m a bit on the other side now and can tell you you’re doing so well. Absolutely killing it and it’s a privilege to read about. Your openness often has me reflect on my own life! I appreciate you bestie 🫶
reading this was genuinely so emotional BESTIE WHAT THE HELL
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everyone shut up i’m thinking of them as Taylor lyrics again
i am so fuckinh WHIPPED for them jesus christ i didn’t know i loved them this much… shfhsjjfjsjfksjkfkakr AAAAAAA
NO BECAUSE LIKE WE WERE ON A CALL WHILE I WAS DYING MY HAIR AND THEY SOUNDED SO SOFT AND TIRED I JUST WANTED TO TOSS A BLANKET OVER THEM AND CUDDLE AND SHDBSJFJSKKDMS FUCK I HATE LIVING IN A DIFFERENT STATE FROM THEM :((
mx i know you’ll never see this but ilysm <3 ik we’re not a couple but i adore you sm you really should have me as your bf 🙄/lh
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