#i wouldnt be able to believe it. even if i wasnt waiting for them to drop the joke and start laughing at me i would always think it was jus

[fleshdyke]

[aaronwhorechner]

okay, listen. the scene where emily is getting ready to go out and meet viper and hotch comes in to check on her is so....out of character for him?

like, if it would've been jj or even penelope (honestly, probably even jordan) i'd completely understand him wanting to check in, but with them, he wouldve absolutely waited for them to come out of the locker room before asking if they were okay doing this. or at least made sure before they even started getting ready. at this point theyve used emily for her looks before, its nothing new for her.

but hotch comes in whiiiiiile she is getting dressed!! and his whole "hotch demeanor" is dropped especially in his little "oh" when she tells him she's dated people worse than viper. its not hotch coming to check on prentiss, its aaron coming to check on emily.

but what really gets me is....yeah okay he came into the locker room instead of waiting, but he awkwardly pauses instead of just being like "okay, ill see you when youre ready" or whatever after he's made sure she was okay doing this. im pretty sure the only reason she asked him about jordan is bc he didnt leave right away, he just....lingered fjdkjfdskfjds

the comfortableness between them in this scene makes me want to SCREAM and i wholeheartedly believe the writers were working their way into something with them but then paget got fired and when she was able to come back, knew right away that she wasnt staying longer than season 7. and then of course thomas got fired and they only brought paget back so that emily could take hotch's position,(WHICH HE SPECIFICIALLY REQUESTED MIGHT I ADD!!!!) so having them get together wouldnt have worked. (instead they had him date a knock off version of her - fjdskfjds im kidding i actually really liked beth)

anyway, i'm fine everything is fine

[sockiestupidity]

Reader having a depressive episode and Miguel helps them out of it 👀👀👀👀

Also can I be 🕸️ anon 👁️👄👁️

AH OKAY SO FIRST IF ALL. RLLY SRRY IF THIS IS BAD😭 I LEGIT DIDNT KNOW HOW TO WRITE THIS🧍‍♂️

ALSO MY SECOND REQUEST???😭 FREAKING TF OUT LITERALLY TY 🕸️ ANON

I JUST WANNA STATE THAT I HAVE NEVER HAD A DEPRESSIVE EPISODE EVEN THO IM CONSTANTLY SAD SO A LOT OF THINGS MIGHT BE INACCURATE BUT JUST LET ME KNOW IF THIS IS LIKE WRITTEN RLLY BADLY AND ILL TAKE IT DOWN🥴

Warnings-lowercase intended, bad writing and grammar as usual, depression/depressive episode, ooc miguel?, use of the word mijo, forehead kiss👁️

nonverbal/mute reader again (might decide to make this my thing?? bc nonverbal/mute reader fics do be hard to find)(srry if u wanted reader to talk 😬😬😬)

reader uses hq housing as usual🤩(U CANNOT TELL ME THAT HQ HOUSING DOES NOT EXIST I REFUSE TO BELIEVE IT😤)

ALSO MIGUEL AND READER ARE AGAIN IMPLIED TO ALREADY HAVE AN ESTABLISHED PLATONIC/FOUND FAMILY DYNAMIC (sorry for the long intro 🕸️ anon, pls still lob me🥺)(that second part is meant to be funny lol)

it was around 1:00 pm the time you and miguel decided to set up as a designated lunch time as the both of you had not been able to get together because both of your schedules had been busy lately. although you had claimed to have been occupied with missions, he hadn't seen you completing any of those missions. he shrugged it off, thinking that maybe he just was preoccupied with another matter when you had completed your missions. (A/N: miguel i lob u but sometimes ur rlly serving idiot😔)

his oblivious mindset soon turned into worry when it dawned 1:30 and you still had not shown up. "what trouble could that kid possibly have gotten into that made them this late?" he thought to himself. you were usually a punctual person, and often arrived to your lunch meetings with him earlier than he did. as he waited another ten minutes he decided that he needed to take action, it was out of character for you to be this late, especially with your history of punctuality.

miguel headed over to your room at hq housing. in his mind, he thought that it was a possibility that you were just tired and had just layed down for a nap, forgetting about your meet up with him.

as he knocked on your door and patiently waited, he noticed that there was a lack of noise. he knocked on your door, and proceeded to hold his ear up to the door, wanting to confirm the lack of noise. you had naturally always been a quiet person, contrasting with many of the eccentric personalities most spider people had.

miguel felt something odd about the quietness, and decided that he had no choice but to investigate further. surprisingly, the door was locked, despite the fact that you had always locked your door, no matter what. as he entered the room he was met with an unsightly mess.

all of your belongings were strewn across the floor, if he wasnt worried before then he was definitely worried now. your stuffed animals had always been your most prized possessions, he remembered how you always furiously typed about them. hell, he wouldnt be surprised if your stack of communication cards were so thick because you made a special card for each stuffed animal.

as he entered where your bed was located, he noticed an increasing amount of clothing piles, as well as more misplaced stuffed animals, he frowned at this. where could you possibly be? and how could you let your room get this bad? he trudged through the piles of clothes. he looked at your bed, there was nothing there but a lump. he assumed that it was more of your clothes, or maybe your pillows. he was about to back away when he suddenly saw the lump move.

"kid is that you moving right now?" he asked, waiting for a sign of some sort that it was infact you, and not just his imagination. he suddenly heard a tap.

miguel took that as a sign that it was you, "can you please show me that wonderful face of yours?" he asked softly. he wanted to make sure that he wasnt accidentally pressuring you to do anything.

when there was a lack of response he decided to go a slightly different route, "may i flip the sheet over just a bit for you? i want to talk to you face to face." he wasn't really expecting a response, as it seemed like you didn't want to acknowledge him. he was taken aback when you responded with another tap.

he slowly lifted the covers, and was met with your face, but something was off..

you had a dead look in your eyes, they also looked red, as if you had been crying. he gave you a concerned look. if he had known that you were struggling this much he would've visited you sooner.

he ran his fingers through your hair as a form of comfort, attempting to give you some sort of comfort. "im going to try to get you out of this mess, you wont have to worry about being alone anymore, alright?" he watched you as you slowly nodded.

miguel started to get to work on your room. he made sure that all your clean and dirty clothes had been separated accordingly, and had folded all the clean clothes neatly into your drawers, which he had also taken the liberty to organize, he then placed all your stuffed animals in the correct spots that were assigned to each of them, collected your trash, and finally ended with a good scrub. he decided to not only clean your whole bathroom, but also scrubbed down any other hard surfaces that had been covered in grime. (A/n: this might be a bit extreme for just a week but trust me, it doesn't take that long for hard surfaces to get musty)

once every item in your room had been neatly organized and accordingly cleaned he approached you once again. you still had yet to move from your position.

he sat down on your newly cleaned floor, wanting to make sure that he looked less threatening to you, he then spoke up once again, " everything will be fine kid. do you think you could get up?" you slowly nodded.

he helped you slowly stand up and embraced you in a hug. you were caught by surprise, as the only time miguel came in contact with people, it was mostly violent.

after the hug ended he spoke up again, "you're going to take a shower and get dressed, ill wait for you." you slowly nodded once again.

you still felt so much dread, and misery but you wanted to show miguel that you could be strong and that you really did want to get better for him.

you headed to the shower, clothes and towel in hand. you slowly took your clothes off after the water was to your liking and slowly began your shower. you mostly just focused on rinsing your body, the thought of doing your hair seemed as too big of a task for yourself. you finished your shower and dried yourself off, then got dressed.

you then opened the bathroom door, your face meeting miguel's as you gestured to your hair, "you want me to take care of your hair?" you nodded in response to the question.

he knew exactly how to take care of your hair, as he used to take care of gabriellas hair.. he started running the sink, and then grabbed your hair products and a hairbrush. he ran his fingers under the water, "alright, this is going to be weird but i need you to tilt your head, just like you're at the hair salon, it might feel uncomfortable because we don't have a stool but i promise you that you'll feel so much better later." you nodded and placed your head in the sink.

"let me know if it gets too hot." you blinked your eyes in response. he started massaging in your shampoo, after rinsing it out he lightly brushed your hair for a bit, before continuing with conditioner. once he was done with conditioner it was easier for him to brush out your knot's.

once all the knots were properly detangled he turned the sink off and spoke once again, "would you like your hair dried?" you nodded, he grabbed your drier and got to work, making sure every part of your hair dried evenly (if you have curly hair he used the diffuser attachment). after your hair was dried he brushed out your hair once again.

you turned to face him with a soft look in yours eyes. you reminded him of gabby so much that it hurt his heart. he couldn't even imagine his little girl having to go through this by herself. "thank you" you signed.

he felt a pang in his heart, "of course, you know that im always here if you need my help, mijo." he gave you a small forehead kiss.

"we should get some food now, kid." you nodded. he guided you towards the cafeteria that most spider people ate at in the society. you smiled at the miguel themed burger. maybe everything would finally be okay with miguels to support you through your toughest times.

A/N: this might be long and confusing bc im rlly sleep deprived(sorry😔)

ofc theres more to depression but i rlly wanted to at least incorporate some sort of fluff😭

[escaronarts]

ETSY STORE  II  FACEBOOK  II  INSTAGRAM  II  ESCARONARTS

For SALE HERE! (Website)

Or HERE! (Etsy)

With the strenght of a fiery stallion and soul of a colibri you will never be able to tame this mighty beast. But if he deem you worthy theres no limits of what the two of you can acomplish.

In the world were Colibris kind roam free people adore and co-exist with them and nature. In this world birds are sacred. Birds, you say. Why birds? Well, let me explain. I told you people there co-exist with nature, but that wasnt always the case. Once they kept polluting the planet to the very extent in wich all the birds fell from the sky and died. They knew it was happening but they couldnt hinder it, wouldnt change. And then one day there were no more birds, not a single one. That was the harsh reality and a very real wake-up call for humanity. You might think it was then to late for anything to be done at all, but the people did manage to turn things around, and today they live in harmony with their planet, caring for it dearly. However, sadly, the birds never returned. But, you say, what has this to do with Colibri and the horses? You see, one day a horse was born that didnt look like the traditional kind and absolutely not like its brown parents. The foal was jet black with the softest feathers around his neck and tail. It was quite perplexing. And it didnt stop there, more and more foals were born different. Browns and grays, whites and multicolored ones of all variations. And then people realized, the horses reminded of different bird species! Truth was, the horses had taken the spirits of the birds into their hearts to carry and protect. And this is how they still exist, two souls in one body. One day the birds might be able to return to the world in own bodies again, to once more travel the skies and sing their songs. But until then the horses will keep safeguarding their spirits, and the humans will keep doing their best to restore the planet in wait and hope of that time to come.

*****

MADE: They come to me when they want to be given form, whisper in my mind who they want to be, show me glimpses and let me work. Im sure I cant create their exact images but I try my best. When I start I never know what will be in the end, but I trust the process, I trust them, and it hasnt failed me yet. I believe these beings exist, even if we in our physical realm cannot see. And I believe they are here for a reason, for us, to help, inspire, move, awaken, and to the ones adopting them specifically - connect, a bond thats meant to be. I believe, do you?

Colibri is a traditionally handmade, original, unique and one of a kind artwork made entirely by me. His face is first sculpted in super sculpey, that I later casted in resin for durability and painted carefully with acrylics. His body is made of high quality fauxfur that Ive designed, trimmed and sewn over a sturdy wire and batting frame together with a blend of feathers (seen in mane and tail). He is fully posable in both neck, tail and legs. However, as with all of my creations he is an artwork and not intended as a toy for kids. Lots and lots of hours, effort and soul went into this guy, to give him his physical form, and there will never be another one like him.

COLIBRI SIZE; Height: 11.8 inches (30cm) Length: 12.6 inches (32cm)

© 2023 Linda Escaron Lundqvist - all rights reserved

[pleasetiemyshoelaces]

if you cover stockholm in your own video, how much detail would you go into?

depends on how much i can personally stomach to go through

i tried once when poppy asked me to go find specific scenes that were most likely about me and why but its so god damned graphic that it brings back too many flashbacks for me to get very far through.

but other than the fact that in Nova Scotia what she wrote constitutes as csem the only other important parts are the "relationship" dynamics and all the incest coding in them either overtly or subtly

i dont read lilys works, never have, never could. Shes a shit writer just on premise so even if the theme wasnt genocide and incest i still wouldnt be able to get through it.

even back when i first heard about stockholm in the brony fic community and its infamy i couldnt get through it, felt too familiar and even the non graphic parts are just...bad

its hard to believe a 20 year old wrote it and not some 13 year old columbine kid.....wait....same thing when we're talking about lily, forgot that for a second

[rpfisfine]

do you hate miles?🤨

i was wondering when someone would send me an ask like this yeah i dont like him to be honest. i know ppl on here have largely moved on from the fateful 2016 interview and it has been discussed to death and yeah he immediately said he was joking etc etc but i dont think its weird to think you shouldnt have to feel pressured to like completely forgive and forget and absolve the sins of a male musician saying something that made a female reporter feel unsafe or objectified or 'caught in an increasingly distressing situation' or act like its some sort of unheard of and unimaginable offense that has never happened before in the history of music interviews and one someone’s favorite musician who can do no wrong in their eyes could definitely never get caught up in (esp given how gross in general the music industry is towards women). OR even go so far to say the reporter did it all for attention i cant believe this is even a discussion that has ever been had in any form ever like genuinely nothing makes me angrier than ppl who literally turn into blatant sexists whenever their favorite white guy's reputation is even mildly put at risk ive literally seen one person on here say the whole interview was made up and exaggerated and that she just wanted to 'join the me too movement' which is like Okay man i think you might just not have any respect for women in real life maybe. even watered down and not as extreme its a take thats more prevalent on am tumblr than i thought or previously imagined and i hate how bad it makes the fandom look like i trust that everyone on here is a reasonably intelligent and empathetic human being who has at least a basic tumblr education on the fact that victim blaming is bad so we dont rly need to turn around and immediately go 'she just misunderstood what he was saying' or 'she just didnt get his sense of humor' like Alright

i hope im articulating all this reasonably well like i think its literally fine that ppl have accepted his apology and moved on and are able to enjoy him as an artist and/or as a person too thats awesome and im happy for the ppl that i follow that have this kind of relationship with him. even if it wasnt for the interview thing he stil wouldnt be for me i used to be a pretty big fan of his music when i was younger but nowadays since ive found different music i dont rly pay any attention to him. im glad he was able to spark alex creatively but thats as far as my enjoyment goes of him to be yonest

also ive just realized now that all this makes me look kind of contrived given the fact that ive written milex before and i dont rly have like an impenetrable explanation i literally started writing for jamex around the time the car album came out bc i found out all my fav jamex fics had gotten deleted by their author so i wanted to fill the void and then one day i was like wait am i good enough yet to write a functional milex fic (plus i was hoping to get more ppl to notice my writing and milex offers a pretty easy way to do that) so then i wrote 2 and i was like ok i am cool. i dont intend to write another fic for them

hope this makes sense i probably forgor to say like 10 other things i wanted to say but thats okay

[biggiedraws]

okay i said before that i didnt have a lot to say about banana fish but i lied. i have thoughts about the ending (spoilers ahead!)

because holy shit. like. ash deciding not to see eiji?? and eiji knowing that hes doing it for his own good, and trying and failing not to get his hopes up, and giving the letter to sing to deliver? and sing yelling at ash to go see eiji and ash still not budging? and then ash reads the letter and THATS what changes his mind, so he gets up and starts running and its all priming you for the dramatic reunion at the airport. something something love can overcome anything, happily ever after, the end, right?

but then ash gets stabbed. by someone who had obviously been tailing him and wasnt particularly skilled. someone who never shouldve been able to sneak up on him. and its such a forceful reminder that eiji is ashs weakness, which we've known from the start, but the danger was supposed to be over! it specifically waits for you to let your guard down, to really slam it home that everyone was RIGHT. that eiji makes ash let his guard down, and that it would one day get him killed.

and like. okay. we know this from very early on. the narrative is perfectly clear that what they have is doomed. that its going to cause a lot of pain for both of them and can never end happily. you want to believe that they can overcome it, that once the fighting is over they can be happy together, but the story keeps telling you over and over that this isnt going to go that way, no matter how much either of them want it. BUT. the point is that it was worth it anyway.

ash lowers his defenses around eiji, and thats a GOOD thing. being together puts them both in danger, but its better than being apart. to love is to be vulnerable, and having someone that you can trust, that you can let your guard down around, is something worth fighting for. worth losing everything for. worth DYING for. ash is CONSTANTLY presented with chances to fix everything if he can just let go of eiji. but he chooses eiji every time and even though it always makes his own life worse, his own burden heavier, he never once regrets it. theres nothing he wouldnt do to keep eiji safe. to keep eiji nearby. he sabotages his own allies to save him. he risks getting caught just to see him one more time. he drops everything for an opportunity at happily ever after and pays the ultimate price for it. but he NEVER EVER REGRETS IT. he dies because of his love for eiji and he does it with a smile on his face. and eiji goes back to his peaceful and happy life with tears in his eyes because hes doing it without ash.

i dunno. maybe im reading into it too much, or maybe this is an extremely surface level analysis and everyone got it the first time but me. but i just remember the first time i watched it, being so shaken by the ending. i thought they deserved a happy ending, and was hoping they would finally get it, but when it didnt happen i didnt feel betrayed or frustrated by it. just shaken. it felt like a really good ending, but i couldnt pinpoint why. because all i could think is that it seems so unfair to rip away their happy ending like that. and it took this second watch through to really figure out why it works.

also side note but. as much as i respect the asheiji shippers (because like. yeah. literally the most resonable ship ever) im really glad that its platonic in the show. they love each other very deeply, and thats what the show is about, but it doesnt HAVE to be romantic to be meaningful. and i like that! i can certainly see the shipping potential, and i can even see how it could be interpreted as queer-coded, but i also just like it as a story about friendship. its really nice. anyway 10/10 i love this show so much

[ajdrawshq]

@ your tags on my post, i am shaking you like a maraca and yelling "YESSSSS"

i wanna see how kh3 tackles that whole thing because it's so eerily similar to what happens in the manga. and in the manga, he is in so much pain and agony, AND HE'S STILL FIGHTING. ROXAS IS THERE WITH HIM, HIS ONLY COMPANION, and then kh3 just tripped and fell on the glass table.

also, i think about this constantly, i want them to do something with it so bad.

YEA i cant wait to see the rest of kh3 manga chapters and how they handle everything, i especially loved the manga versions for days and kh2 and the way their stories were told - even tho kh3 has a Lot going on that might be hard to show well.. amano's been good at it so far tho so i have faith :]

but yeah that whole thing with Roxas is just . oughh. im not gonna lie even i forgot that Roxas was like. still there with Sora when he perishes until i thought abt it writing those tags but now that ive realized that. why the hell did they not take advantage of that!!!! like ok i get that it was more focused on the destiny trio in the ways i talked abt in the tags but yknow. what happened to "he makes up the difference"?? that wouldve been a great moment for it to shine!! ik they already make an example of it during the Xemnas n Saïx fight but still!!

part of me wishes Roxas couldve have more outward influence on Sora the way Ven did. granted, he arguably had an affect on Sora back in kh2, and while i dont remember if it was canon or even intended, that could be applied to both his appearance (his lighter hair, mostly) and his behavior (his hostility towards the organization members; ive seen this argued both as smth Roxas had influence over and purely based on Soras experiences thus far, and i believe in both personally) but Ven in kh3 was literally able to speak and somewhat act through him. im pretty sure this was meant to show that Ven was fully ready to awaken or smth like that, and that wasnt sonething that was needed for Roxas; hes alright, just needed a body/vessel for himself. but i still think itd be a cool way to express the earlier sentiment. and it wouldnt necessarily have to be Roxas "taking over" either, the manga shows very well how Roxas gives Sora strength from within and that he definitely does make a difference

to be fair tho...... whether that wouldve helped Sora in the moment that he gives in to his despair, im not sure. in kh2, both manga and game, hes in a very different mindset than kh3. in that part of the manga especially, despite thinking everyone (except Roxas) is gone for good, he still has the belief that they can live on within him. and that, plus the literal strength hes getting from Roxas, is keeping him going despite it all. in kh3 his self confidence is beyond fucked, and he truly believes in that moment that hes lost Everything, not just his friends. thats hard to come back from

i wonder if he were to remember that Roxas were still there, if that wouldve helped. whether for comfort in the way that hes not really alone then, or for motive to keep living bc if he dies then Roxas is gone too, or whatever reason, i think it couldve changed something, even if its just a little bit. hell, itd have been great if something like that happened afterwards in the final world. id like to think Roxas had a hand in Sora surviving ..... not sure how but its a nice thought. either way i do wish Sora n Roxas' connection and that moment they have in san fransokyo had more....... More. in kh3. it was a great opportunity that they didnt use/forgot about n im now sad abt it forever

[whoviandoodler]

ok ok ok. i finished tgcf (extras excluded, my soul needs a break so i'll read those tomorrow jkddjksj) after days and days of reading (i didnt know going in that it would be like. twice the size of mdzs, but thats on me for assuming that it would be roughly as long as mdzs)

i absolutely did start reading it bcs of mdzs, bcs i loved mdzs and knew that the author's other works would absolutely be worth the while, but while i read mxtx's end notes where she talks abt how some ppl went into it expecting another mdzs, and how a second mdzs will never happy, i mostly just thought, ofc not, each book is it's own, and im actually rly happy that it wasnt like mdzs- when i went in, i was afraid that the chars would be too similar to those in mdzs (not bcs i think mxtx isnt a good writer, but bcs some authors dont know how to write dif chars for dif stories, and u never knew how an author is until u read their second work) and that i wouldnt be able to enjoy it bcs i would be stuck thinking abt mdzs the whole time, but thankfully my hope payed off and they were their own chars, and their stories v quickly hooked me and i only paid attention to them while reading

nothing will be able to top how mdzs shattered me completely, but i didnt go into tgcf expecting another emotional breakdown (i even picked it up bcs i heard it was a bit lighter than mdzs), and it actually delivered exactly what i wanted- a rly interesting, captivating story, a pleasant and enjoyable read, and something different from mdzs but still written with the same skill of mdzs

also, i rlyyy loved the way the story in tgcf is constructed- i gen believed going into it that it would be like 'ok lets find out abt the pasts of the mcs and then do adventures and be merry', like pretty straightforward (like mdzs was in a way skjskd shoot me i couldnt help coming in w expectations of similarities at the beginning), and it (in the best way) hit me from left field with its complexity and how much further it reached in the setting's depth than id expected (idk if anyone's read jordan l hawk's widdershins, but the bastard series did the same thing to me, so im wagging my finger affectionately at them both)

anyhow, excellent story, rly glad i read it, and cant wait to give svsss a try sometime in the future. thank u for ur hard work mxtx, ur works are a gift

[m0mmyracc00n]

Okay so... Imma ramble.

https://youtu.be/ZqbbNoy7zIE

I watched this and I have so many words to say.

OKAY SO hes complaining that 'miranda shows up at the end, the writing is so fucking dumb, we barely see her during the show, so why does she wait until all of her 'children' are dead to show up and create her kid?'

DID YOU EVEN PLAY THE GAME?!?!?!? They literally say that she hated all of them, she just used them and she knew that Ethan would get rid of them for her!!!

ANDDDD

'Oh ethan killed himself uselessly, it was a remote detonater bleh bleh bleh' He is made of mold. HE IS MADE. OF THE MOLD. THAT HE IS DESTROYING. He wouldnt have survived the Megamycete being destroyed, and knew that seeing him die would destroy his fucking wife. He literally gave his own life up because, with him alive, the fucking megamycete would carry on.

GOD he compares it over and over again to RE4, and yeah its similar. It's less horror than 7, which is one of the main issues that had people not being able to finish 7 (i should know, i am one of them). But its not resident evil 4! Its not! Yeah, its referenced and yeah its compared a lot, but its not 4. Its a good game. The story is good when you put effort into figuring out the lore. Yeah, Ethan fucking sucks. Everyone hates ethan. He's a horrid fuckin dude, hes boring, hes so so fucking stupid. But hes connected. His 2 games link the entire franchise in a really amazing way! It's the best way to appeal to a new generation! the first re game i played? Biohazard. And that game, even though i couldn't finish it, made me go back and play others! Comparing a game like RE8 to game that came out in 200fucking5. GOD.

He's a dude who puts effort into perfecting the game mechanicals, specifically the fighting. He didn't search for the hidden things, he didnt look for the detail, he made comments on the fact that lady d is hot and apparently thats bad writing? Yeah, she was overused for advertisment for how long she was actually in the game, but she fits! she has a backstory!

She is based off the fucking original vampire, Carmilla! She has backstory, as do the rest of the lords, if you bother to fucking look.

Lady D was raised as nobility, but she has a blood disease. She travelled the world with her jazz band, because she was ignored by her family. She met miranda, and believed she found a place where she wasnt going to be ignored. But then she was, so she was given her daughters. She, out of all of them, have something to lose.

Beneviento lost her family and, when she was infected, took out parts of herself to put into her dolls because she didnt want to be alone anymore. She asks you to take care of 'our Little Rose' because she understands what its like to lose those you love.

Heisenburg was taken from his family as a child, experimented on, and told that the people who helped torture him were now his family. Hes trying to destroy miranda, but his mind is so twisted from that torture as a child that he has no empathy for children. he tries to use rose, because shes a child who can do what he couldn't.

Even Moreau is so fucking sad. He was sick, riddled with cancer, and getting infected extended his life, yes, but it didnt get rid of the cancer. Hes riddled with tumors, is in constant pain, and hes so thankful that he doesnt care. he wants to be loved, he wants to be useful to the woman who 'saved him' but his brain is so messed up from an illness he cant control that he struggles to speak, to plan, to do what she wants right. He watches tv with happy families, and wishes he has that.

You won't find any of that fighting the zombies, or trying to speedrun the game. If you dont look at the story, you dont get the right to complain about the 'lack of story'.

Sorry for rambling but GOD

[ataritouchme]

today (12/11) would have been nina’s 24th birthday. to my friends and longtime mutuals she needs no introduction. so iykyk.

the weirdly uniquely frequent dreams about her stopped for a while after she died but they eventually came back, albeit less frequent. shes the only real person from my life that i regularly have dreams about. i dont have dreams about family members or friends or even my husband. i never have. she is the one weird exception.

i promised i’d be there when she needed me even after it was clear she hated my guts. but i was a pussy and a coward and ashamed and afraid so when she called me a week before she took her life i chose not to answer. i held my phone in my hand and timidly waited for it to stop ringing and for the call to go to voicemail. she did leave a message. i didnt call back. i should have. i had no way of knowing it would be my last chance to talk to her but even if it hadnt been it still would have been the least i could have done. i wouldnt have stopped whatever plans she already had but i should have been there and held up my end of the bargain.

through it all and long after we were broken up with zero chance of ever being in each others lives again she remained a constant presence even if it was a fucked up presence. i don’t know why i didnt ever consider things might end up the way they did. the fact that she still shows up in my dreams must mean something right? maybe thats just my ego but i sincerely believe it isn’t.

i was there to watch everyone in her life let her down and hurt her and when it came down to it i did the same thing. i was another piece of evidence that she had no one but herself even after her Self was more or less completely gone. the choices i made during our relationship that led to her rightly dumping me and exiting my life i accept fulll responsibility for and i have made peace with them. everything that came after is the shit that really hurts. i wasnt allowed or able to try and help her because she wanted nothing to do with me for so long. i really wanted to do something to help especially right after we broke up and her mental health clearly had begun to severely deteriorate, but the people around her at the time made it clear that wouldnt be possible and as frustrating as that was i did eventually accept it as like.. well, fair enough. but later when she reached out to me on her own terms i chose to let her down again.

suicide is touchy to talk about because you always want to give the victim humanity and agency and making it about yourself is a bad look especially in this specific situation given mine and nina’s history. but in the end when someone kills themselves the only people left to try and understand what happened are the people who are alive… so everyone except the victim. so some weird and maybe arrogant conclusions i think are probably unavoidable. natural even. so i will admit that for many reasons i feel responsible for her death.

and i dont mean because i didn’t answer her random phone call… at least not entirely, because like i said i know that even if i had answered or called back i wouldnt have stopped her or changed her mind about anything she planned to do. i knew that girl too well to think i could have stopped her from doing anything she’d made up her mind to do. that was probably beyond anybody’s ability.

i think many people failed her but so many things still make me believe i set her down her ultimate path to destruction and death. and i dont feel the need to like try and Not feel that way or whatever. it is one of if not the single deepest regret of my life thus far but it just feels like something so undeniably true that trying to not believe it anymore would feel like denying reality. despite the changes we both went through in the years we didnt speak or the time she was not herself despite everything i still knew her. i know she always knew i was a kind of home. thats why she would still reach out every so often even if it was to say insane things to me from prepaid phone numbers. because why else would she do that if not because for whatever reason i was on her mind sometimes? that is why im sure it was all that much worse when i did end up breaking her heart. she was a strong woman. she was self made. she really had nothing and nobody but herself and it fucked her up but she tried her best anyway always. i can’t imagine the pain she went through. if i had to guess she probably suffered that pain her entire life.

maybe this is cringe and selfcentered but ultimately the thing i regret most about not answering the phone that day is the fact she had not heard my voice in years. i heard hers many times from like voicemail messages she’d leave me and stuff but other than that i only ever communicated with her via text post-breakup. i wonder if that was something she wanted. i dont know why she called. i guess it doesn’t matter.

the day i found out she had killed herself the first person i called was my dad. he also had a formative first love kind of girlfriend kill herself so i figured he’d understand how i felt the best. i was in my car in the office depot parking lot just trying to process it all. i told my dad i wished i had been better to her. he understood but he told me that from what he saw of her and knew of her life he believed our time together was probably the brightest spot in her life. i was selfish in so many ways but i did whatever i could for her to make sure she was safe and cared for while we were together. i dont know much about her life and relationships after we broke up but i hope my dad was right about our relationship being a bright spot in her otherwise rocky life. i want to believe i did some things right when i had the power to do anything for someone i loved very much.

i hope wherever she is now she is free. i like to think so, because the dreams are infrequent now and i rarely if ever see ghosts of her anymore. i dont know what happens after we die but i hope she found peace somewhere, either in her final moments on earth or in whatever comes after.

god, even years later my feelings are so fucking complicated. she was a beautiful artist, probably the greatest and definitely truest one i’ve ever known. she was a strong person but her heart was tender. it would be insane to expect her to cope without good consistent support forever. and even if she had that, it would have been Very optimistic to have expected her to ever fully heal. i’m sorry for everything she went through… the things i am at fault for, the things her family and others were at fault for, and the things that were no ones fault.

i know she did her time in hell already so i hope wherever she is now is more like heaven even if it is just nonexistence or some kind of energy or even reincarnation as something or somebody new somewhere else. i know her spirit will haunt me forever even if its not in a literal physical sense anymore. if souls are real i feel like hers has crossed over by now. but i think i will probably be 99 years old and still have dreams about her. whatever the case, rest easy nina. and happy birthday.

[bridgyrose]

i…dentifier - Willow x Jacques (or maybe not? Mistaken identity type thing)

Willow nervously played with her fingers as she watched her father, Nicholas, talk to Jacques. All it took was for him to show the matching snowflake on his wrist for Nicholas to welcome him in with open arms. Her eyes went down to her own snowflake on her wrist and a scowl crossed her face. Even if her father meant well, she still felt like she had no choice in any of these matters.

“And you’ll make sure she is well taken care of, right my boy?” Nicholas asked.

“Of course I’ll take good care of her,” Jacques said with a wicked grin as he looked towards Willow. “Its love at first sight. I want nothing more than for her to be happy.” 

Willow slowly stood up with a sigh. “I… need to get a bit of fresh air.” 

“Dont take too long, daughter.” Nicholas got up to grab another bottle of wine to pour. “After all, we still have our own deal to make tonight.” 

Willow nodded and made her way out of the small house her father had built in Mantle as they waited for construction to start on their new place in Atlas. And while she still couldn’t believe the luck her father’s hard work had started to bring, it all still felt like it had been moving faster than she had expected. From finding the deposits on the continent, to finding a new way to refine the dust and revolutionize the way it could be used… there had to be more to it than just good luck. 

“You know, standing out here without a jacket is how you catch a cold.” 

Willow rolled her eyes and looked towards the shadow of the house and spotted red eyes peering out at her. “Are you ever going to come to me the normal way, Raven?” 

“And risk getting caught by your father to see you?” Raven scoffed and walked over to her friend. “Then how’d I be able to see you? You’ll probably be locked away in a tower, guarded by the best money can buy. Coddled to the point of never wanting to leave again.” 

“Are you saying you wouldnt try to save me from that?” 

“No, but I am saying that it would be less fun than just appearing out of the shadows to try to startle you again.” 

“Then… what are you doing here?” 

“Figured I’d come around to celebrate getting into Beacon as a huntress in training.” Raven held out a bottle of vodka to Willow. “And maybe to try to cheer up a friend.” 

Willow slowly took the bottle from Raven and looked it over. “So… now we’re friends? With the way you torment me-” 

“What can I say? Its how I was raised.” Raven took a seat on a rock and let out a sigh. “Besides, its not like I’m here with only good news. Since you’re also training to be a huntress, I thought I’d let you know that now is probably the time to quit before you get into trouble you cant handle.” 

Willow took a swig from the bottle and handed it over to Raven. “And what kind of trouble can I get into?” 

“For starters, my tribe is starting to get a bit more active in making sure huntsmen dont stay near our territory.” Raven looked at the liquid in the bottle and let out a sigh. “I know our meeting wasnt exactly on the best of terms, but I cant say I hate you or your father… yet. But my tribe… they’re sending me off to learn how huntsmen fight so we can kill them and protect our own. And if you and your father are still going to be looking for dust mines-” 

“We know how to be careful.” Willow’s eyes almost had a faint glow to them as she summoned a boarbatusk to her side and gently pet it. “I’m not going to stop training to be a huntress. Not now.” 

The Mantle sirens started to blare as a few grimm started to make their way down the street. With a slow nod, Raven used her sword to cut open a portal back to her tribe and sighed as she removed a glove to show a small snowflake on her wrist. “I care about you, Wil, but I hope you’re not making a mistake.” 

“Wait, what do you mean by that?” Willow tried to reach out to Raven just as the portal closed before she could touch her. The door behind her slammed open and pulled her out of her thoughts as Nicholas stepped out with his armor and sword. 

“We need to start evacuating everyone to the safe houses.” 

Willow turned to him and paused. “Why? Its just a few grimm.” 

Nicholas shook his head and pointed to the sky with one hand as the other shifted a small lantern attached to his belt out of sight. “Not… exactly…” 

Willow looked between her father and the sky, frozen as she saw the mass of grimm start to make its way to the city. “R-right… the safe houses.” 

Nicholas marched forward and started to summon a few grimm behind him with his own glyphs. “Once we’ve protected our city, we’ll meet with Jacques once more.”

[a-vampire-culturelover]

Centaurworld Cricket Crew! Au - Chapter  12: Scrunch O' Bunch

Well, after a long and hard time getting Ranboo out of whole, he felt pretty bummed out. He wasnt able to convince the badgertaur, ”aka The Milkman”, like Aimsey had. He hadnt came up with the Festival at the rift like she did. He was terrible at recruiting an army!

“Im bad at centaurworld things, Aimsey. Even if I look like a two burnt marshmellows had a dumb kid and even if i sing i still wouldnt have been able to convince The Milkman or any of the holetaurs.” He confessed to Aimsey, who looked nervous too.

“I’ll admit i’m a bit nervous with something as big as this. Your good at centaurworld things your way Ranboo, dont ever doubt yourself.” Aimsey reassured him as she started pacing to think of ideas for the Festival.

“Maybe bring some of your shaman magic out for it Aimsey?”

“Oh we need fireworks!”

“No, me and Micheal hate fireworks! it makes it very hard to hear!”

“Shut up bee bitch!”

The constant bickering and excitement ended with Billzo and Ranboo yelling jokingly to run at each other, a seemingly harmless game after scrunch o’ Bunch and more reassurance from the llamataur and his partner & son. However, when Ranboo lept with soft claws unsheathed to land on The llamataur, a bright beam of rainbow-clolored light engulfed the two, leaving a frozen billzo.

The winds were crisp with death and destruction. Where had he gone? The taurnado was back and…larger? Ranboo looked to see a much younger, cute looking llamataur just like Billzo reaching out for older llamataurs swept up by the giant taurnado, each stuck in a trance of peace and contentment with their fate as they were dragged further from the boy. Dear god had this been what happened to Billzo in the past?….

Suddenly Ranboo was back to the world he knew, Billzo snapping out of the frozen position he was in. What just happened?

“Boo’s second spell!” Tubbo sang with joy as he hugged the big cat, completely lost and confused.

“You’ve got backstory powers? Bitch that ain’t fair, big man innit should have hotten new magic before you.” Tommy chittered in fake jealousy as he stomped his little raccoon paws on the ground. Ok, Tommy was definitely next.

“No wait Ranboo RANBOO YOU DONT WANNA TORPEDO INTO MY BRAIN!” Tommy hissed as he swiftly dodged a charging Ranboo, who landed right into Freddy’s backstory instead.

A young chocolate labradortaur and raccoontaur were currently running from an angry mob of hermitaurs, angered by their cheating in the hermit wars for the sash. Could you blame Tommy for wanting to steal something that shiny? Mans gotta steal! Now the two were hesding towards a highly secured fortress hiding a 17th century styled city filled eith aristocratic centaursTM. Freddy knew they weren’t the nicest, but at least the could try. He heard the prince, Eret, was not as much of an eccentric fool like the current ruler of the horsetaurs. Big gates crashed open as a guard was trying to keep a feral raccoontaur from mauling his arms off, his gremlin showing through foam and tommyinnit-styled energy.

“Let them in!” A horsetaur with a crown and glasses, dress in all ordered the guards as they were let down then picked up yet again. A small, toddler horsetaur with an orange coat and a fox mask looked eagerly to Tommy, dread filled his bones.

“I guess we can keep them as pets, isn’t that right dear Fundy?” The ruler asked Eret and the smaller horsetaur, Eret giving an unsure look.

“I guess if that means they can stay then.” Eret agreed as Fundy ran to the two and tugged at their fur in excitement.

They didnt last a fucking day there.

After having to constantly carry food for those gluttonous centaursTM, Fundy, being ridiculed, did Freddy mention Fundy?! They decided it was time to go. They couldn’t live in a place like this. Eret, in their goodbyes, promised to change things once he was in charge, hoping to invite them back again. Freddy doubted it. Tommy believed it. Just so long as this sheeptaur named Aimsey could be safer for them both, he was happy.

Ranboo finally returned to give Freddy a big hug for helping pull through rough life with centaursTM. To see Eret almost forget that promise he made was…understandable, as horsetaurs were. Tubbo and Micheal, vibrating with excitement, Ranboo could tell the wasptaur wanted Ranboo to see what he had in store.

Rain pounded against the hive as Tubbo tried getting his newest toy to work. His father was far too busy to pay attention or stray from his work for SCHLATT CORP. Once he saw Tubbo’s new invention, he’d pay better attention!

“Dad! Look at this new thing I made! it sings and comes out of a box and-“

“Shh! Not now Tubbothy!” the hornetaur whisper-yelled from his desk, making a report to the bugtaur company per usual.

If Tubbo wanted to get him to notice, maybe he had to sing?

“Please sir-“ He was met with another shush. No. He has to keep trying.

“Please sir!”

“Tubbo!” Two strikes, not a moment to lose and not a moment to gain. Maybe if he just..

“Please sir!”

“Tubbothy! That is it!” The angered Hornertaur threatened as he took the box in the young wapstaur’s hands and threw it out the hive entrance. NO!

Rain and mud were the only things he could make through the tears as his father gave a disssappointed look, dry and clean up above.

“I will never say anything nice, until you do things the way i want you to.” he muttered before retreating back into the hive, leaving a wailing Tubbo in the mud as he flew far from his old home.

“Leave me alone! Thats my toy that I made, dickhead!” Tubbo yelled at the raccoontaur, eyeing the box with wide-blown pupils. He seemed nice. A lot nicer than his father ever was.

“Geez Tubbo! I didn’t think your dad could be that much of a jerk but yeesh! Also you like inventing stuff?” Ranboo asked, hugging him and Micheal as the wasptaur processed what had happened.

“I’m seasoned in the art with many nukes to go.” Tubbo joked as he cried in Ranboo’s paws.

“So, is everyone ready to start getting this festival on the road, or do we need a little more time?” Aimsey asked The duo, both nodding with the pig minotaur toddler cradled inbetween them.

“Is it too late to want to be the bunch master?” Tommy muttered to Freddy as the two led the herd into a race.

[sunnybubblezzz]

i love avery lynch so much

like i remember me just not being able to sort out my feeling and then FRICTION pops up? like WHAT its everything im feeling and more.

i remember the day “youre just a guy” came out. i had someone in my mind the second i saw the title. i drew a spread based around the song

dont even get me started on, “didnt show up” I WAS BAWLINGGG WHEN I FIRST LISTENED TO IT

just listening to her and realizing that i’m feeling everything she’s singing about..

NO BECAUSE IM ON HER CLOSE FRIENDS STORY AND I WANT HER TOTE BAG SO BAD LIKE SHE HELPED ME SMM I WANT TO SUPPORT

NOT TO MENTION SHE SAID SHE WOULD POST MY SKETCHBOOK SPREAD ON HER STORY WHEN I FINISH IT PLSSS IM FLOATING

okay but that’s unimportant.

idek where i was going with this.

useless information.

that song always brings tears to my eyes because ITS SO TRUE. LIKE i thought i knew sm about you.

so much things i memorized.

AND

FOR

WHAT

stopp now im crying again okay okay. its just like ughhh all those things i know about you, and its gonna be old information soon but its still there in my brain… and i wont ever use it again.

where does all the useless information go? - avery lynch

not in that way..

okay this is where it gets a lil too relatable.

“when someone’s love goes dead do we ever believe it?” I DIDNT BELIEVE IT AT FIRST i really didnt. i thought i was overthinking it but no we’ve been pulling slowing pulling back our hands cause its easier then letting go (see what i did there).

“torture ourselves till the inevitable happens.. and that always happens” AND IT ALWAYS ALWAYS DOES HAPPEN. im sad this line wouldnt fit on the paper but its SOO true. every single TIME it always ends up with this. i thought this one would be different but no its inevitable.

“it starts with doing things without them.” it really does hurt because that’s exactly how it started. when i realized you put more effort into hanging out with your other friends then you did me.. thats when i knew it was the start.

“then they start needing to remind themselves to call you every day.” we used to text everyday.. okay now im actually gonna cry.. we used to text EVERY SINGLE DAY. what happened?

“then they’re making friends with people who barely know your name” … i knew this one would happen. i knew most of her friends by name and its sad bc none of them knew me. i was never in your posts.. could we even be considered friends if barely anyone knows we are?

your making friends with people who dont even know my name. hey but atleast i got over that fact now instead of when you go away to college. i knowww that line is gonna be even harder then.

“once that happens they’ll still love you but not in that way.”.. SO TRUE. i think maybe you still like me and this song gave me the clarification i needed on that fact. you just dont love me in that way anymore.

if im being honest.

“i wonder how much more was make believe. cause you made it all feel real till you left it dead.” there is NO WAY there wasnt some of you that was just make believe because HOW in the world could our whole friendship end like that..

“just tell me if you meant it.”.. i told you i loved you. i told you how much you meant to me. i told you all that. I WROTE YOU PARAGRAPHS OF CARDS. and for what?

i didnt even get a card from you on ymy birthday. yeah now im saying this i just sound so stupid. i didnt even realize until know how much i was waiting for written words of affirmation from you until this line.

i just want you to tell me that you did love me. i want you to tell me that you loved me as much as i loved you. just TELL ME that you meant it.

“cause if im being honest i dont think you felt a thing.” this song hits HARD.

“cause i thought when you love someone its hard to walk away. “

“i really thought that you loved me.”

i really did think that you loved me. i really really really really thought. after i listened to this song and read the lyrics, i realized i wasnt being honest with myself.

you didnt feel a freaking thing.

“was your world crumbling?”

“or did it barely bend?”

“or do i even want to know a thing cause why does it matter when you did it wither way.”

your world didnt crumble. i dont even think it BENT. avery is so right. i dont even want to KNOW, CAUSE IT DOESNT MATTER YOU DID IT EITHER WAY

yes i am screaming the lyrics rn.

“why did you say that you loved me?”

you know after this line… i wondered if you DID love me. did you ever even say you did?

ughhh i really do hate myself. yeah i am looking back at the card you gave me last year. (its so funny.. you give me a card last year and not this year.. i really did not want to cry today but yeah i just hate myself.)

and now im sobbing..

ill edit this post once i start working on the rest of the friction sketchbook spread. this is the inspiration i needed for the “if im being honest” part.

[in-paradox-space]

maybe those who are neurodivergent are in that way because of a lie that the adversary would have [indirectly (most probably)] told them. A certain type of lie that changed their (perception of) truth to the point it changes their ability to function executively.

I presume that they lied saying that they did something wrong when maybe they didn't.

Maybe they was in the right, when at such a young age their heart all their heart was poured out with love for their brethren.

Maybe they was nice and the other kids didn't seem to like that. [after they had been lied to, too] I perceive that when I did that, I was maybe slower than the other kids to receive the lies, they had already [seen the lie;]heard them[thought: it was a seeing], then with my being slower, i took a while to understand their responses so I internalized them more often

Over time we grew different ways, as we all do, so it was way which forked off sort of more away from their intentions/directions

suppose it all went a way for me sooner in another direction than it went around there for the other kids

so I had to learn from different references

or we all learn what we will for a while then we will all have certain info to gather, discover and infer from all sorts of frames or references.

i was picking up info other kids generally are guided through or experience at other parts or areas of time in their lives.

while i am still learning some parts they understood, or i had to learn them over a different area of time...

still some older people than me are enlightening to some things i was more aware of already but its okay we all are learning at a same time just not always the same things at the same times.

It was okay

and I often like to feel it is okay when it is

I often sense it is when it is and I will be able to know better...

when its ok to be kind to myself ... I will be kinder to myself actually

I hope to be happier.

I have been slower to let go of the defensive part of me which pre-emptively braces for a judgement

a judgement or criticism I don't need to receive

more often than not wasnt coming for me

and i made myself experience in preparation for it.

when really, even if it was there, it wouldnt matter

but maybe thats what it is

we've been lied to so much and for some of us it is a lie about ourselves

about what we believe

or for some what we believe in ourselves

it makes us question ourselves

and when were doing good things, we care for people so much and we are so kind and so loving and so generous, even forgiving, merciful, some of us often we are praying or praying a secret prayer in our hearts for people and we all are and we are patiently waiting for them to come true so much so many times often for the betterment of others around us, not judging others, really having compassion for others, judging fairly and just really trying hard even though we feel so much pain or anxiousness

and thats just it, the lies in question are lies.

I can't say how many there are, or what or when others have been lied to individually, some function more than others in the temporal portion of their individual existences where they are afflicted (by)with it.

We all want to hear what the truthful antidote to that lie and pain is.

for some

you are kind or good enough

for others

believe in yourself

for others

we all love to have you around here.

or keep going

or you can really do it

or "i should have told you this a lot more but you always made my day, every single time you are here I feel a pain has been lifted, the anguish and worry just disappears and its a miraculous thing of light that you do, what happens when I see your face. Nay, I have not told you nary enough, I only hope to try to spend a minute telling you now that when you enter the room the the golden smile of you shines with endless glory, like speckles or fine dust of the purest gold, shimmers and shines from your face and your tongue as you talk, when I hear your voice it is like pure glades of light passing through my ears, and it comforts me. I've always been glad you are here."

and every single person in the world, even you, deserves that, not only do they deserve to hear those words for hearings sake but because every single person has someone in their life who would truly feel like that for them at one point

and if youre reading this, I am certain you have many people in your life who do

even if you are spamming my account with spam bots or a scammer.

for some

"im sorry i made you uncomfortable"

"you didnt hurt me" "im sorry i hurt you"

"i recieve your love. I am grateful for it."

i think the point tho

was like what if the lie was that they did something wrong, when they did something so right which was loving someone, and from then on they've believed they did and now still do the wrong thing so many times again when they are doing right

because they believed(,misinterpreted) a false criticism, or judgement at such a crucial stage in their development

[reactivedog]

i think what hurt me the most is that my world used to really just be him and his best friend. and i wasnt invited most of the time, bc his best friend hated me. everything i loved he bashed. i still remember talking about being so excited about my clip-in catears, and his Disgust and anger at the fact i wore them to school just bc it reminded him of some kids in his GSA.

long vent post incoming

and then, when it came to him, he was so angry the one time i wasnt just sitting around waiting for him, and i dared to be with someone he didn't expect instead of someone he also liked. its so strange. he was very okay with the idea of me being with max but he blew up about me being with jester. i had withstood sooooo much hurt and feeling replaced and pushed aside for Years but all it took was one person making me happy for him to be so angry At Me. i would sit there sobbing and scared. i would watch my place in his life slip away bit by bit slowly and plans changing constantly until i was just waiting for it to be over, for him to get mad at me for. being happy. for once.

we weren't normal family and i think he will do whatever to erase me. whatever to find ways to construe me as weird, fucked up, evil. im sure his best friend will be so relieved, will be so happy because he never liked me anyways. its bitter. i dont know how to pick up the pieces of the people between our systems who will never see each other again. theres past lives we swore we shared that i want to erase from my very being, even if theyre part of me, because of how much looking back it felt he used it against me. all of our destinies were suppose to be intertwined. was it my fault? did i put us here? did i make him believe that? no because god do i remember the amount of times id tell him none of it mattered if we weren't okay, that our fate was our own decisions, and that i wouldnt be the person he projected so much importance onto.

it hurts. i was close to him since i was 14. i dont know. when my biological brother disowned me, he was there. i tried, but it was like no matter how much i tried to be my own person, i was like a charge and i owed him and it was. and it was scary. even my mom would get scared for me, and she said once she was terrified he would actually physically hurt me.

im trying to be around other people again, front again, but its like i cant be around other people and i cant be alone and i cant even face my system because i feel like everyone hates me for running. i ran away, and blocked all of them and now all the friends and families and partnerships between our systems are. over. and i think, i cant blame them for resenting me for that. but i wish it was okay and they still cared about me again.

i mingle with new people in my headspace, with no connection to that time, but how long will it last? before they lose interest? before i move again? before we drift apart? i lash out so much. i want to be able to care again, without wanting to blow everything up and run away.