#im letting myself be passionate about something freely for once. only once

[immamapletreekid]

*still sobbing*

[shadyteacup]

Hi! Im the one req 7 for chuuya sorry i didint specified, i just realized it. Can i get angst prompt 7 for chuuya?

Hiya! This pained me to write, so I made it fluffy at the end... sorry if u were looking for pure angst! I can't go to sleep peacefully peacefully after writing angst, I need to clutch my soft toys and cry myself to sleep..

Warnings: Angst to fluff, maybe a swear word at the end.. dw, it's just "bish", but like the actual word.

Word count: 2006 😳yes, I got carried away

Nakahara Chuuya + “Please wake up”

Forewarning

“Don’t move, Chu.”

You grumbled against his chest. It was yet another lazy morning for the two of you. Lazy mornings consisted of waking up late, cuddling on the bed till lunch time, getting dressed and having dinner at some exotic place, going for a long drive, then coming back home. It was a perfect day for a traditional lazy day, except for the fact it was a weekday.

Chuuya sighed. He had to get to work, and so did you. You both couldn’t afford to miss any workdays, considering that you both worked for the same organization, one that didn’t hesitate to punish for untimely work. Chuuya was an executive, and so were you. You both had multiple solo missions planned out for today and one mission wherein you both had to team up. It was going to be quite a busy day, and Chuuya wanted nothing more than to just get it all over with. He was looking forward to some lazy cuddles in the evening, after both of your jobs were done.

“We have to get dressed, dove.”

He tried reasoning with you. You were a workaholic, just like him. It surprised him to see this lazy side of you. But then again, you must be tired, he thought.

“I know. But let’s bunk today!”

You looked up at him with wide eyes, hoping to convince him.

Chuckling, he pet your head affectionately.

“The mafia isn’t some school that you could just bunk. Besides, don’t you love working?”

You frowned at that. You were feeling weird today. It’s like something was forewarning you. But about what?

“I just have a bad feeling about today. I don’t know why, but I feel like something bad is going to happen.”

He sighed. He was never one to believe I such things. That was why you weren’t telling him until now.

“We work in the mafia. How worse can it get?”

“I suppose you’re right.”

You smiled, getting up to get ready.

....

“The target is in the warehouse.”

Chuuya said to you. You both were currently seated in Chuuya’ s car, parked on a hill. Your stakeout point had a clear view of an abandoned warehouse. Apparently, it was the location where a rival gang was coordinating with some members of the mafia and stealing their goods. You both had already executed the moles and had sent in one of your trusted members as a pretend mole. He would send you both a signal when he felt that the security was the weakest at the entrance. You both would then attack. He was supposed to cause a commotion in there, resulting in majority of the guards to rush inside and leave the entrance wide open for you two. Your men had already sealed all exits to ensure no one got out. Now you were both waiting for the signal.

“Yeah, no shit, Sherlock.”

Chuuya pouted at your jab.

“I was just being thorough!”

“By stating the obvious?”

“You’re so mean.”

“Says the angry redhead.”

“What has my hair got to do with anything?!”

“Your hair has got to do with everything! I-”

A sharp sound was heard. Both you and Chuuya were blinded for a second as white filled your vision. You felt your torso pinch a little. It almost felt like someone was sticking a few needles into your tummy. You heard screams. They sounded frantic. A few moments later, your vision cleared, and you saw yourself floating in the air, a frantic Chuuya saying something to you. It all sounded mangled and mixed up. If you could have laughed at the moment, you would have laughed at how funny he sounded.

The screams had turned to cries, now. You were so confused. Who was crying? And why was Chuuya pressing down on your stomach?

Looking down, you saw the blood. There was blood everywhere. It had completely soaked your shirt. Chuuya was using his ability and his hands to keep it in. He seemed hurried. His eyes were watery, and streams of tears were flowing down his cheeks.

Finally understanding the situation, you realised that you were injured. Looking down at your torso, you saw the two bullet wounds. And now, you finally felt them. The pain was overwhelming. It rushed in like water at the breaking of a dam. It completely filled you up. You now realised that those cries of pain were actually your own. You wished to have never woken from your daze. You wanted to remain oblivious. You wanted the pain to go back to mere pinpricks. It was too much. Succumbing to the enormous pain, you let your eyes shut close. You realised that your body was going to sleep. Maybe for the last time.

....

Chuuya sat in a chair next to your sleeping form. You were lying unconscious on the clean white sheets of the hospital bed. Your entire torso was covered in bandages. You had taken two bullets, one in the side and one right next to your belly button. The doctors were able to save you in time, and it was a matter of time till you gained consciousness.

Chuuya held his face in his hands. The memories of just moments prior to visiting the hospital kept running through his head. He kept seeing flashes of your blood oozing out of your body. He kept remembering the way your eyes had glazed over while he tried to apply pressure on your wounds. There was so much blood. His mere two hands were proving to be inefficient. So, he had activated his ability to push the blood back in. He had no clue if that had helped. He remembered activating his ability the moment you had let out a blood curdling scream. He had levitated you both out of the car and high up in the night sky.

He should have listened to you. Your forewarnings were right. Something terrible had ended up happening. The mole he had sent inside was found murdered by the backup team, and the head of the organization had fled. His men had taken up sniping positions all across the hills. Two of them had shot you at once. He remembered going on a mad spree and pelting boulders at all the men in his sight using his ability right before he flew to the hospital with you in his arms.

“Has she gained consciousness?”, the doctor asked as she peeked in. Chuuya had asked all medical personnel to leave him alone with his sweetheart, a little too passionately, after they were done treating you, and hence the poor doctor was a tad bit scared to check up on your vitals.

Chuuya whipped his head up.

“No.”

The doctor scrunched her brows in worry. Rushing in, she did some tests.

“I’m sorry, sir, but if the patient doesn’t wake up in another hour, we will have to declare a coma condition.”

“What?!”

The doctor jumped at his outburst, but answered him, nonetheless.

“The body is behaving as if it is already in coma. This can also be because it is repairing itself. It doesn’t necessarily have to be coma.”

She sighed.

“But, if the patient retains this state of unconsciousness, we will have to rule out a natural healing process. I suggest you try to communicate with the patient. Sit close, hold hands, maintain physical contact. Try speaking. That way, maybe the body will react to a familiar scent, touch or voice, and gain consciousness.”

Chuuya gulped, worried, and nodded.

“I understand.”

He shakily made his way to your face, observing your serene features. He hesitantly put your hair behind your ear, breathing unsteadily. He felt immense guilt and anger. He was guilty of not paying your uneasiness an ear, and he was angry because he couldn’t save you. If only he had been more vigilant, more aware of his surroundings, he would have been able to smell a rat.

“I’m so sorry. I should have listened to you. I should have been able to protect you.”

He gasped inaudibly, trying to keep his sobs in. He couldn’t stop the tears. They flowed freely down his cheeks, a symbol of his immense fear of losing you. He couldn’t bear the idea of loosing you. It might be selfish of him, but he wanted you to live, because God-forbid, if you didn’t, he wouldn’t know what to do with himself. He knew that if such a devastating situation ever occurred, he would lose all sanity and go mad. He would lose his mental balance and completely fall off the edge. He couldn’t bear to be separated from you for two days, forget the rest of his lifetime.

He caressed your cheek, smiling bitterly at your sleeping form. Nuzzling his head into the crook of your neck, he let himself truly cry. He let out all his emotions into your hair. He found comfort in your warmth. He has always felt the safest in your embrace. That’s where he could truly be himself.

He didn’t realise how long it had been when he began talking to you. Telling you how much he loved you and how he couldn’t live without you. He pondered on how he would take his life if you left him.

“I’d have to go to that stupid mackerel for guidance. But then again, he has been unsuccessful in killing himself for 22 years. He’s probably the worst suicidal guy out there.”

He was lying next to you now, cradling your frail form in his arms.

The doctor waltzed in, a serious and sorrowful expression straining her pretty features.

“Nakahara-san, I’m so sorry.”

Chuuya gritted his teeth, holding onto you tighter.

“No! There’s still a chance that-”

“Its hopeless. The patient has already been in this state for 16 hours.”

“16 hours?”

The doctor smiled sympathetically.

“I gave you a lot more time. I thought maybe the constant contact would help. But sadly, it’s out of our hands now.”

Chuuya sat up, holding your face in his large palms.

“Wake up! Wake up, damnit!”

He shook you gently, desperate to get any kind of reaction out of you.

“Nakahara-san! Please get away from the patient! You mustn’t cause any harm! Security?!”

The doctor rushed forward to pull Chuuya off of you, but he held onto you. He grabbed your arms, looping his own around them and pulling you towards him.

“Wake up!”

He rested his face on your chest, sobs escaping him.

“Please... please wake up...”

The doctor reached forward to clasp his shoulder, trying to pry him off of you.

A large gasp followed by couple of coughs were heard.

You took in a large breath, trying to swallow. Your throat was dry and scratchy.

“Y/N!”

Looking up, you saw Chuuya holding you in his arms, a relieved and surprised expression on his elegant features.

“Hey.”

Your voice sounded raspy, but it was music to his ears.

He engulfed you in a hug, one that knocked the air out of your lungs.

“She’s still a patient!”

The doctor reprimanded as the security guards pulled Chuuya off of you.

You smiled at the tiny ginger.

“I’m alive, Chu. Stop being dramatic.”

Chuuya laughed at your carefree attitude. He didn’t resist the men as they pulled him out of the room. He was relieved to see you awake. He didn’t care about anything else. Just as he was about to leave, you spoke up.

“Call Gin and tell her that I’m not dead!”

“You don’t need to call me, idiot. I was waiting right outside.”

You smiled as she walked in, giving you a hug.

“Why does she get to go in but not me?!”

Chuuya whined.

“Hey Gin, guess what?”

Gin smiled at you, sitting at the edge of your bed at the nurses did their check-ups.

“What?”

“I’m alive, bitch!”

Your snickers could be heard till the hallway, where the rest of your friends were seated. Shaking his head, Tachihara snickered.

“Good ol’ Y/N.”

[aaronthomasvybez]

(I’d love to write and make music for money, but “write” now, I just love to do it. We all transgress energy we would like returned. Passion can be left in the words and actions we decide to create with what we say and do. What would you like to leave behind? What people remember, is what you say and do. Fill the footsteps of Your own shoes with what you want... These words and lyrics are my personal societal contribution. Praying someone finds me and signs me- my mind has so much to offer this reality and others.)

“Without You feat. Miley Cyrus” w/ added Aaron Thomas Remix

Written by: Aaron Thomas Glesenkamp

Written on 4/30/2021 at 1:35 PM

Written in about 60 minutes - give or take

(Having a mindful moment on a day off during a busy work week at the Pig in SLC, UT)

Been trying to pick up the pieces

Trying to put them back together again

What I once thought you took and held

My heart: you seemed to rip from my chest

Thought, you held it in your hands and it broke it.

Or maybe it was, was me?

My own doing.

Because I thought I needed someone to be me.

Sipping trying not to think of you,

Not to drown in disbelief.

And even though you broke my heart

I’ll always think you’re so lovely

Used to living with a loss of hope,

But Love’s everywhere I choose to be.

You’re the one, I love to know.

Poppin’ bottles to ease my mind

Sippin’ my fears to dry my tears

Sippin’ to try and forget you

But do right by my mentality

While the piano calls to my ears

Tryin’ and cope

Because I dread the fear

Because I dread the fear

Dread the fear of always being alone

Needing You more than Me

Trying to get used to being on my own

Am I sleeping with the ghost of you or me?

Writing my truth and my life in my Phone

Trying to ground my thoughts

Sippin to try and not be in disbelief

Love’s got me crazy

Only believe what I see

Only feel what I believe

Just want to feel with what you took with you

Broke into pieces

Lucky to have found myself

Found me

Hoe’s are just people who don’t want someone to let their love go

But it was too easy for you to walk out

Walk out the door

Must have learned it from some other time

Some other time before

So I stop picking up my crumbled up pieces of my heart

You once held in your hands

And you decided to throw to the floor

Now I’m sippin freely to cope

To cope having love for myself, even though you chose a life apart

Because it’s probably something you learned from the tricks you still see

Know you too well lust is your thing, and love’s not a need

More than me.

So I’ll pick the pieces up from the floor on the ground where you ripped it out and let it bleed.

Jealous envy, has me green.

Trying to be a gentleman; forgive and cope with what seems I resent.

But is it not just as much of a sin, to give a kind of love like that-

And never come back anymore?

Don’t need you, to remind myself that I’m rich in a love of my own.

Even with the pieces of my heart, it seems you too easily have left on the floor.

A soul empowered, not devoured.

Not wanting to be engulfed in love from a coward.

Pick up hours, taste like the potions I taste and make- make magic with everything I create, sweet and sour with a rim that’s salted.

Universe, I’m ready to sit in the center of this flower.

Giving too much love without tangible returns, creates a little hate.

Never going to be a love scorned.

More like a love that’s self-empowered.

Always a gentleman, who likes to be treated otherwise-

But you never took the time to want anything more.

Can’t with a lover who lasts minutes, and not days/hours.

Always need love, how did you say?

Oh yeah, like a whore, but I don’t need you anymore.

You can come the same way-

The way you came and skipped out

The way you came and went

The way you came and left

Just like the rest

You can leave, out the door...

Heaven’s a place on Earth,

A place where I know my worth

Regardless of needs and tendencies

Love comes from within,

I don’t need you anymore.

Happiness is a mindset,

And I’m strongest ‘cause I know all im blessed with.

Gold plated and fire chested.

Call me a psycho ‘cause I can’t pick a side.

Guess that’s the songwriter in me,

Because the one thing I’ll love to pieces with all my pieces

Is life.

**I’ll always love you. I’m just talking and expressing. 🙏🌈

(Image received from Google Search Images: “without you Miley Cyrus remix””)

Probably wordy, and could use plenty of editing if wanting to be commercialized.. but rather have more to trim rather than less. 🌲✂️

[awesamblr]

PART TWO OF GHOSTBUR!!! Since you seemed to like the first one! :D

They all pause for a moment to take in what they just heard.

Wilbur...? Doesn't remember them...?

Tommy is the first one to speak up, sounding more hurt and confused with just an edge of anger to the words. "We...We're your family, Wilbur!! Wil- ...Wil are you-" Tommy doesn't want to believe that Wilbur doesn't remember them, he doesn't want that... "Wil, you better not be fucking with us-" he starts again, sounding more angry, fresh tears beginning to fall. "Cause if you are, I swear to god-"

And he stops as he finds a hand on his shoulder. Tommy turns and finds Techno.

"Tommy...he doesn't remember us Tommy..."

Wilbur shifts around, floating around slightly and awkwardly. "Y-you all seem to care a whole lot..." his hand moves to his chest. "I can't remember how I died...I can hardly remember anything...I'm so sorry if you knew me well..."

Tommy gets angry again- calling it anger is a disservice to the emotional turmoil, he was upset and scared and happy and so so sad- and Techno gets ready to hold him back again when another voice interrupts them.

"Knew you...?" It was Phil... "Knew you??" He pulled up his hanging head and tears ran freely. "Hell, Wilbur- I RAISED YOU!! I know you better than I know myself!! Wilbur, don't you recognize me? Recognize us?" He takes a step toward Wil and so much pain and hurt reflects in Phil's eyes- it hurt to look at them. "Wilbur we're your family! Those are your brothers...!! And I'm-" he remembers the explosion, the pleading of his son- kill me, kill me, please kill me- and takes a shattered breath. "And I'm your father."

Wilbur looks around at the broken family.

A boy who looks as if he once held his entire world in his hands, only to have it melt through his fingers and spill to the floor.

A man who looks like chaos incarnate, now heavy with guilt and shame, a horrible tiredness running through him endlessly.

A boy who looks as though he'd been through hell and back with a smile on his face, still trying to be happy for others around him.

A man who looks as though he had the world. As though he had absolutely everything. And now his everything was gone.

And Wilbur speaks. "Was..." he gulps in a breath at the teary eyes, almost not wanting to know the answer to the question on his tongue. "Was I a good brother?"

Memories flood the minds of the family.

Tommy recalls times of when him and Wilbur would make huge pillow forts when they were younger and of how whenever Tommy was upset, Wil would come up behind him and lay himself over his shoulders in a lazy gesture- not quite a hug, but something that felt the same.

Tommy also remembered Wilbur, eyes alive with insanity and agressive cruelty. The Wilbur that would scream at Tommy and pound his fist against the wall and tell Tommy that he was hopeless.

Techno remembers times in his life where him and Wilbur would sneak out of the house together to go hunt mobs- Wilbur never really wanted to be there, but Techno would never have gone without him. He remembered how when Techno would lock himself in his room and quietly panic, only to hear the calm strummings of a guitar from the other side of the door until Techno calmed down.

Techno also remembered the Wilbur that wanted to blow up Manburg, that wanted Techno's help in it's destruction. The Wilbur that craved chaos and hurt and pain. The Wilbur he had helped to destroy good.

Tubbo recalls times after he was adopted into the family, times where he would struggle with reading and writing and Wilbur would silently walk over and help him. He remembers times when he feels lost and Wilbur would pass by him humming a tune Tubbo would recognize, and soon the two of them would be singing loudly in the livingroom and laugh when Phil came down and yelled at them.

Tubbo also remembered Wilbur, actions shaky and plagued as he spouted on and on about Manburg and L'manburg and would sing stuttering and manic lyrics to a half-finished song and scribling them to a wall of his insanity.

Phil remembered Wilbur, the moment he came into Phil's life, the moments that he would have to wrangle the pure-hearted chaos of the boy with eyes that sparkled with neverending wonder and curiosity and passion. He remembered moments when Wilbur would begin to cry or leave the house telling the others he was "going for a walk" when they all knew he would break down the moment the house left his sight- he remembered the way he once cried for an injured bird when Phil told him the animal wouldn't make it, and remembered the way that Phil wasted a health potion on the little bird that night, just to see him smile again.

And Phil remembered the Wilbur in the control room. His eyes, his voice, his actions- a shattered and twisted version of what Phil had known him to be. The way his voice cracked and the way his eyes were alive with pain and madness and the way he fell to his knees as the home he had built was blown to bits. Phil remembered the way that on his knees still, Wilbur grappled onto Phil's coat and begged him over and over to end him, so much pain and hurt and trapped craze in his voice it shattered Phil.

"Was I a good brother?"

They were silent.

And then a small word from a small boy- a boy now president of a ruined land. "You were the best big brother anyone could ask for, Wilbur." They looked to Tubbo, who hadn't spoken a word the entire time. His eyes still dripped tears, but he had the most wonderful smile on his face. "You were the coolest big brother in the world. Why do you think we're so happy to see you again?" He gave a wet laugh. "Hell, you were amazing! Did you know that you used to help me with my english homework cause I couldn't read? A-and you would sing songs with me when I was sad!! You were the kindest brother a man could ask for."

"For real, Big Man!!" It was Tommy's turn to speak as he tried fruitlessly to dry his eyes. "You don't remember, but you and me made the most massive forts and we would hide there for hours and scare Technoblade!" Tommy laughed fondly. "I remember one time Techno was carrying a stick and hit me on the head when i scared him. You sat down with me and told me that I was okay and that we were gonna whack Techno with a billion sticks when I felt better."

"You..." Techno was hesitant for only a fraction of a second. "You used to help me sneak out of the house and we'd do all sorts of crazy things. You always said you were watching after me to make sure i never got hurt." He gave an amused chuckle at the memories. "You would play guitar in the hallway when i was upset, no matter what time it was. You got in trouble a lot for that, but you never stopped."

"Wilbur..." They turned to Phil as he adressed his son. Phil remembered and remembered and couldn't stop remembering and everything he remembered was good and every single memory was filled with thoughts of Wilbur- that's my son!- even in his last moments, and even the moments after when Phil had known he was long gone but held him closely anyway, he remembered the way he felt. Wilbur had never stopped being his son, Phil had never once stopped loving him. "Are you proud of me, Phil?" And the blonde man let more tears roll down his cheeks.

Phil tugged the ghost man into his arms and held on as if he ever let go, Wilbur really would disappear and be gone forever. "I'm so proud of you, Wilbur..." He spoke into the ghostial yellow sweater his son wore. "You were and still are the best son a man could ask for...i know you forgot that. But you know now and that's all that matters. I'm sorry i wasn't a better father, but know that i am so proud of you...so so proud, Wilbur..."

And Wilbur hugs him back.

It's hesitant, but it's there.

And Phil's other sons will know that as Wilbur embraced his father, tears rolled down his face in an unstoppable flow of emotion that Wilbur himself didn't understand completely, but his brothers did.

Wilbur doesn't know why he was crying. He didn't remember these people. But their emotions and connections were so so strong he felt the hints of distant memories flood him.

Someone giggling as they stacked things together.

Someone singing loudly with him as they danced around a room.

Someone chatting and joking with him under the stars.

Someone there, always always there. They never left...and they loved him so much.

"So..." Wilbur tried to keep his voice even, but found he could not. "I was a good brother?"

He was flooded with more arms- the embrace of his siblings, all shouting and telling him he was wonderful.

Tubbo...he remembered the name and he felt emotions attached to the name and the face, but he couldn't remember why.

Tommy...he could recall emotions attached to that name and was flooded with involuntary emotions when he looked at his blue eyes.

Techno...he could recall the name like an old friend and knew immediately that he was a comrade- a friend- a brother? He knew that name but couldn't understand why.

And Phil...he knew Phil. The memories were so blocked and so fuzzy and he could only just make out a smiling face, but it was Phil. He didn't know why and he didn't know how but he loved that name.

He loved all their names, and was overcome with inexplicable emotions when he saw them.

"...Dad...?" Wilbur finally let the word fall from his lips.

Phil held him closer.

"You were the best son I could have ever asked for..."

(I can keep the story going if you want! I really like drabbling this it's so much fun lol! But for now this is a good stopping place cause the ask is hella long.)

MANNNN I AM IN L O V E. THE WAY YOU RIGHT IS SO NICE AND FLOWY AND IT ALL JUST WORKS SO OERFECTLY TOGETHER! AND THE PARALLELS??? MMMMMMM

PLEASE KEEP GOING IF YOU WANT IM BEGGING

[tomsrebeleyebrow]

i am such a sucker for ancient egypt shit!! can’t you write something about the reader being queen and tom being a guard and their both have a secret relationship so they have to sneak around to do anything, you can add something smutty if you want 👀

A/N: ooooh my dear, i also am an ancient egypt freak!! 😤 (and i already wrote an au oneshot like that so you can read it >here<) one of my favorite time period with the greek/roman ones 🤤💞 so let’s say i looooooved writing your request, so i hope you will enjoy it as much! 🙏🏻 and as always stay safe, darling 💖💗

‘Stay safe, Cheer up’ blurb event

NSFW CONTENT BELOW, SO BEWARE! + slight references to Ancient Egypt’s fashion

Since your youngest age, you’ve been taught many times what your future would be like. Even if, at first, all those manners and protocols sounded absurd to you, you learnt them all to slowly make them yours. Having always been close to the population ever since you would walk, by learning more about them or by playing with children your age, you grew up to be loved by everyone in Egypt.

And now, you were one of the very few women Pharaoh of Ancient Egypt, beautiful and powerful that all gods must have blessed you since day one. But still a well-grounded and independent woman who didn’t need arranged marriages to rule a country. And also in a secret relationship with Tom, the chief of your Royal Guard… and your childhood friend.

Was it against the rules? Totally unconventional. But both of you never really cared.

“The Pharaoh requests your presence, Chief!” one of the guards informed Tom who was about to head back to his quarters.

“Thank you. You can go back to your position” answered Tom while adjusting his breastplate.

Passing by the soldier and now walking through the court, Tom noticed in between each pillar surrounding the palace that the night finally settled down on the Egyptian Kingdom. The stars started to shine in the clear sky, dancing all around the full moon. The moonlight lighted up the royal garden as if showing Tom the right path for him to follow to finally reach you.

With a firm nod, Tom dismissed the two soldiers guarding the access to the private part of the palace. The royal quarters. Your quarters. After waiting for the two men to completely leave, the brunette pushed the golden doors open and closed them behind him, before climbing a few stairs, the sound of his strappy sandals slightly echoing in the open corridor he was passing through. Finally, he stopped under the entrance arcade.

And that was when Tom saw you.  

On the other side of the big room, you were laying on a soft chaise lounge onto your right side, your back facing the man as his eyes slowly slid down the light linen robe you decided to wear despite the fresh air of the egyptian night. Tom could make out every curve of your body through your thin piece of expensive fabric, not letting too much work left to his wild imagination. Tom wished he could have captured that beautiful scene in front of him: the Pharaoh herself, casually dressed and laying down while looking at the city of Cairo by night from afar, through the open balcony of her bedroom.

You were the incarnation of grace and power, a delightful mix to Tom.

“You called me, my Pharaoh” Tom finally announced his presence, not moving an inch from his spot.

At the sound of the familiar voice, you slowly turned your head for him to only enjoy your profile for a bit. Your face was free from the usual makeup you used, such as the black kohl around your eyes which makes you look so serious all the time. But Tom’s favorite thing would always be seeing your head without the khepresh, so your long and beautiful hair you kept hidden under it could freely cascade along your shoulders and back.

“I did, yes” your clear and delicate voice resonated in his ears. “Please approach, Tom.”

Following your orders Tom walked towards you, not a word spoken between the both of us as you gracefully passed your legs on the other side of the chaise lounge, bare feet touching the stoned floor and now sitting to face the chief of your royal guard that was approaching. Then you stood up, the robe fully smoothing at the move and just waited there.

Once Tom stopped right in front of you, his height clearly towering over yours, he kneeled onto one knee to then bow his head low, like any people had to do before daring to talk to you, the Pharaoh. Your eyes never left his until his disconnected to look at the floor, waiting for your next words.

“Tom, please stand.”

Your voice was so hard to define sometimes but Tom was one of the only honored people, with your parents, to know that was how you had to be in front of your Kingdom, for anyone to respect and also fear you at the same time. So like he was asked for, the man slowly stood again as his brown orbs found yours once again. The silence between you was quite relaxing, the varied noises of the nocturnal creatures from outside creating such a nice ambiance around you.

After a minute or two of unspoken words, Tom’s hand brushed yours before his rough fingers gently intertwined with your immaculate one, the skin contact oh so needed bringing shivers in both your bodies.

“My love”, whispered Tom as he kissed each knuckle of your hand, “I missed you so much.”

A lovely giggle made it through your lips, soon followed by a warm smile only reserved to the one you loved.

“You see me all day long, my dear” you replied, lifting your free hand to caress his cheek.

“I missed our shared time, just the two of us” professed the chief guard, his words full of love and now lust as he wrapped his other hand around your hips to bring you closer to him. “I missed having you for myself only.”

And after having discarded all clothes from both your bodies, Tom was bottoming you out onto the same chaise lounge he saw you laying on when he arrived, tearing lewd moans out of you to his fullest and own pleasure.

“O-Oh! Tom!!”

His hands slid to your ass squeezing both cheeks, as his hips roughly thrusted back and forth against yours. His lips ran down to place hot open-mouthed kisses on your shoulder and neck, making feel his desperation with each new skin contact.

“You are mine” Tom growled into your ears, pushing and pulling your ass to meet his every single thrust. “All mine, (Y/N), my Queen, my love. Alaways.”

Your fingers digged into his back, his hips slapping against yours with aggressive friction. You could feel Tom’s skin becoming hot and sweaty from his passion. The man was squeezing your ass so tight it may just leave his hands’ prints on it the next day. Your head tossed back, moaning your lover’s name loudly while squeezing him as tightly against your body as you possibly can before you felt your arousal sliding down your thighs and coating his cock.

Tom continued to thrust, sloshing your juices with his movements before sliding away from your hot core. Seconds later, his milky seed slid against your inner thigh as he breathed heavily. Both of your hands slide away from him, falling on your sides as your chest kept raisins up and down in an attempt to relay air back into your tired and frayed lungs. Your handsome guard lover continued to hover above you, admiring how even more gorgeous you looked like that, all spent and out of breath for him, before basically dropping down completely on top of you.

“T-Tom, are you trying to suffocate me?” you squeaked before giggling, feeling his sweaty body against your own.

Tom actually chuckled before sliding to your side, carefully not to accidentally fall from the chaise lounge, wrapping his hands around your waist before turning you to face him. Your faces were inches apart and even though a blush blossomed onto your cheeks, like that always happened after these times, you raised a hand and trailed your soft fingers along his sharp jawline. You were thinking for a long time, and now was finally the time.

“What are you thinking about?” Tom whispered to you, rubbing circles onto your naked back and with an ounce of concern in his voice.

“... Marry me.”

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[rivkahstudies]

Hi, i've been having big troubles with wanting to be better at academia and stuff but im not really sure how to get started... i sorta feel like an imposter a lot but im trying to not let it affect me but sometimes i just have moments of excruciating executive dysfunction where i can't move because I want to do so many things and my body is fighting against me... Idk if i even have a question really but it feels better to tell you this... i really look up you a lot and have for a long time...

Hi nonnie! It’s incredibly brave of you to drop this in my inbox. Yes, even anonymously. It takes a lot to even type that kind of honesty out. So thank you, and I hope you take a moment to thank yourself.

Secondly, thank you for touching my heart by your kind words. I hope you realize as you look up to me that I have the same kind of feelings, as do many studyblrs–and I’m dedicated to being honest about it so you don’t feel as if you have to live up to a perfect (and impossible, and fake) standard. I go to therapy regularly despite being in a lot better place than I used to be, because it’s almost like going for a mental check-up or gym session, and my therapist helps me sort through even tiny things so I can build better habits and mindsets. But I still remember feelings of dysfunction well, and I still battle with imposter syndrome!

The most important key ideas here are attainable goals and self talk. Both of these ideas don’t come easily, they do take work, but they’re tools that make other difficult things easier over time, with persistence.

When your body is fighting you (and really, more than anything with executive dysfunction, your mind is fighting you and making your body less functional), even baby steps can be difficult. For you, it could be anything from exercising to studying to eating to showering. Big or small, it’s totally valid that you may or may not struggle with it, and it doesn’t make you desperate for attention, or fake, or pathetic.

Let’s take your desire to “get better at academia.” That could mean a lot of things, so I’m going to latch onto one facet of it as an example. If it doesn’t apply with that exact example, that’s completely okay! Just alter it to apply to what you are struggling with, or desiring.

1. Big, abstract goal: to get better at academia

2. What that means (for this example): developing better study habits

3. What kind of things constitute that? That’s still a big, abstract goal that sounds quite formidable and unattainable. List out as many things as you can that you are striving to do or would want to try. Not everything might work for you!

Managing time better

scheduling study time

being accountable via apps or with family/friends

being efficient or effective (i.e. not getting distracted 

Finding study habits that work for you and for the class’ requirements

flashcards

typed computer notes

handwritten computer notes

handwritten paper notes

infographics

youtube videos

interactive online exercises

conversations with classmates, tutors, or professors

podcasts

mind maps

journal entries

presentations

self-made study guides

practice tests (self-made or provided, online or on paper)

Feynman’s technique–writing a summary of what you’re studying, and then comparing it to the actual material. Whatever is missing is what you need to focus on, because my mantra is that it will always appear on the test.

ranking the subjects or topics by what you know most to least and studying from the bottom up. I can post a more detailed guide to this if you want! just hit me up again.

Also changing the way you treat and care for yourself

setting a stable routine

eating better (this means different things for different people–maybe you need more Vitamin C, so you should focus on more fruits in your diet, or iron, so vegetables, etc… consult with a doctor or registered dietician, not a nutritionist since they don’t have to have a degree or certification)

going to bed at a routine time

if you have to choose one, make the wake up time set. that way, if you do go to bed late but wake up at that time, it’ll reset your body clock to be sleepier earlier the next day. it’ll eventually even itself out. 

drinking more water

setting up or revising your skin care routine

taking measured and unmeasured breaks away from studying to allow the information to set in your brain and to give your mind and body a much-needed reprieve

setting limits on how much screentime you want yourself to add

Self-talk

This is the big one I want to impart on you before this post is over.

You can’t just try to implement these better habits. You also have to focus on what you’re thinking when you’re doing or not doing them, and how you’re psychologically treating yourself. This isn’t easy! It takes a lot of time. And that’s okay. You aren’t going to be free of this stuff overnight. I’ve been working on this stuff actively since I was about 17 and I’m still struggling with it. But I’m also much better at addressing it than I was almost three years ago.

Be aware

Recognize when you’re treating yourself harshly. Acknowledge those times you say “I’m not good enough” in the very back of your mind. Because a lot of times we aren’t even fully conscious of how much we say “I hate myself” or “I’m stupid” or “I can’t do this.”

Once you’ve done that, start calling attention to it.

Hold yourself accountable. If this were someone hurting a friend of yours, you would likely be calling them out for the whole world to know their cruel behavior isn’t acceptable. It’s the same thing for yourself! Those awful thoughts in your brain might live there from self-doubt, mental illness, or other reasons, but you do get to decide if they pilot your actions and your mentality, even if they’re whispering awful things about how you don’t have a choice but letting them be in control. 

I will freely admit on here that I’m attending therapy, because I seek to destigmatize it. I’m not at rock bottom. I’m not pathetic. I just noticed some things about me that I need to change, heal, and/or improve, and I wanted a professional to help me! Much like if I sprained my ankle or got a cold and needed to see a doctor. And one of the things that my therapist told me was as much as my anxiety felt debilitating, I am the one piloting my body and I am the one who gets to decide whether my self-talk is going to change.

And do it gently.

Not “you’re an awful person for saying these things about yourself.” You don’t solve bullying with bullying, and you definitely don’t solve putting yourself down or feeling like an imposter but doing more of the same. Instead, show compassion to yourself. 

Have a conversation with yourself.

“Why do I feel like this?” 

“Where is this coming from?”

“What makes me say that?” 

“What can I say instead?”

“What would make me feel better?”

“What could change my mindset about this problem?”

The choice is up to you how you do it. But pretend you’re pulling someone who is misbehaving or acting cruel aside, and instead of reprimanding them, you just gently put your hand on their shoulder and say, “I’m here. What’s going on? What’s causing this behavior?”

Do the same exact thing with yourself! Offer that compassionate hand. If you’re anything like me, your imposter system is probably coming from undue pressure on yourself, self-doubt, previous bad experiences, fear of failure or rejection, insecurity, anxiety, or any number of other things that could make you doubt your beauty, your talent, your work ethic, your ability to succeed.

And a lot more people have it than you think! Just don’t compare yourself to others when, even if you know them well, you can’t know them 100%. I’m sharing my experiences because I want you to know that you’re not alone. And I also want you to know that you can only fix yourself, you can only control yourself, and the same goes for others–they have no business (and probably aren’t thinking of having any business) judging you or controlling you. If they are, screw them. Your job is to take care of and focus on yourself.

Once you know where it’s coming from, start substituting the language.

You can’t do this. “You may not be able to do this yet, but with some effort, you’ll be able to–or, you’ll be close to being able to.”

You’re a failure. “Everyone makes mistakes or fails. It doesn’t define you.”

It was just luck that got you this far. “It was hard work, passion, and effort. Keep hanging onto those things.”

You’re not good enough. “You are enough, and you don’t exist for others. You exist for yourself.”

People will get bored of you. “You don’t exist to entertain or please others.”

There’s a million more I could go through, but hopefully these examples are enough for you to apply it to your own doubts.

This might be a good exercise to journal. Because then you actually have to get the thoughts out instead of them staying scrambled in your brain. Feel free to do a bulleted guide for yourself like this one!

Etc, etc, etc… Any one of these single bullets could be an entirely distinct post, but I hope this is enough to start you off, nonnie. I want to apologize for taking my sweet time responding, but I really hope you’re still out there, somewhere on tumblr, and you see this post. You are loved, nonnie, especially by me, and I’m always here if you need something. If you message me again, call yourself something, like “self talk nonnie,” so I know I’m still talking to you.

You are all loved! You are all enough! You are all valuable and beautiful as long as you stay true to yourselves.

[sirfleurs]

i was sixteen years old when my hand was blue.

The grayscale pitch

Preface      

Life is not easy when you are high and alone watching television or pulling an all-nighter listening to Jimi Hendrix. The brain becomes dull. Overstimulated by genius. You stop thinking and overthink at the same time. I guess that’s what some people call daydreaming. All your bad thoughts get loose and all your inhibitions disappear. I figure this is right before the moment you are most likely to kill yourself. I’ll give it an hour before my Manic-Depression shows its ugly face. As I haven’t killed myself yet in an age of 23 I think I’ve done pretty well. I was sitting in my room in some Woodstock apartment writing on my first ever soon to be book. I had decided to call it ‘The Pitch’. It would be about some witty guy who had a great idea and he would be trying to sell his ‘pitch’ to everyone who’d listen. I had thought the rest of the story through. To be honest I didn’t know more than that. As I was about to sit down I had a beer, smoked a cig and 5 minutes beforehand I had masturbated to a busty forest nymph. Believe me was I tired.

A week ago I was checked-in at Fitzroy Hostel in New York City. It had been insane. My supposedly friends and I were drinking cheap wine in our room during this pandemic across the country. Geez after two bottles of wine I somehow managed to pay for- and eat two caps of MDMA and it blew my mind. I sat on the floor to cool my ass but everything began to spin and it hit me hard like a jolt. Andrew said “hey dude, maybe you should go to the bathroom and stick two fingers in your throat you don’t look too good”. But he was just too late. I burst like a water balloon, vomiting on the floor of Duncans room. Duncan was this nice guy that played XBOX and drank occasionally. Geez was I sorry. I locked myself in the bathroom to get the caps out. I was trying to vomit and I began to feel heated. The MDMA had already kicked in and it was too late to reverse it. I would have to wait this one out. Everything started to feel nice all around the body. My eyes became big as small plates and my teeth began to clench. I got an strange urge to stick my hand in the toilet to cool my body. Something I am not very proud of. On the small shelf I found a shampoo that I emptied in the toilet too just for the hell of it. Minutes later people would lock the door up with a coin and find me covered in shampoo. The helped me in the shower and I went to bed shortly after. Hours later I woke up. Two guys invited me for a joint. Something I couldn’t decline. It was only the second time I had ever tried drugs. While we smoked this cat, Alex told me “you know this only happened because you drank too much. You can never be too careful with mixing alcohol and MD. It doesn’t help that you hadn’t eaten anything either.” “Geez, I was not in control at all. I’d better stick to weed and drinking. That’s something I know”. Always do drugs with very good pals of yours.

So I went to the street and couldn’t make any money. I was to make something one way or the other. Which isn’t always easy when you don’t know what profession you want to be in. All I knew was that I didn’t need any tiresome busy work in my life. I like to feel needed but not so much that I can’t laugh and have breaks during the day. Life is life you know. But I would dance down the street like drums banging through the air. Long time ago I would have taken every job offered to me now I’m not so sure. I went to a fruit parlor in the New Habor Market in near Manhatten in princess St. I asked the first guy :” how much are these avocados.” “two fifty for three piece”. Fruit in the markets are much cheaper than everywhere else and the life is strong on the street which I thought couldn’t be bad. Everyone just running back and forth doing their bussinnes as usual. The markets was one of the places that hadn’t closed due to the pandemic. Nice, I thought to myself. I handed the guy three dollars and told him to keep the rest. “ hey man, how you get a job here standing here selling fruit, I’d really like to know”. “ah young man, I could take a look at your resume if you’d like”. Problem was I didn’t have much to offer him, so I stalled him trying to promote myself in person. I can be a very persuasive guy sometimes. When I’m in the right mood and I felt it crippling in my fingers my mood was good for this situation. “Hey man, I don’t exactly have a written resume. But I’ll tell you everything you’ll need to know. Im good at shouting and a quick learner give me a shot and ill prove to you, you didn’t waste your time”. I sounded like a sucker. But I couldn’t eat my words. The guy didn’t seem interested. I said “I promise give me a shot and I will not blow it.” He looked me in the eye and we stood for a few seconds staring at each other. “come down tomorrow at 6 sharp I’ll see what you can do. You won’t be paid for your three first shifts and from thereon you’ll be paid commission on how much you sell”. Sounded good to me so I nodded “you betcha” I said with a coy smile I sounded like a dork geez. Anyhow that’s how I got my first job. It went fairly well. I continued down the street. I still had something else to do before my first shift. Let me stand next to your fire I thought to myself. I was excited as hell. Down the road I saw a green balloon it was helium filled balloons. A clown was giving them out to kids. Everything was nice the weather was good and you could hear the wind sweep from central park. I needed to buy some weed for the next time coming. So I got up my phone and rang my friend Alex who had a connection. “O boyy I got a job fix me up with some of that green”. I met him outside the hostel and bought a quarter ounce for 50 dollars which is a fine price for nugs like these. Then I went home and lit a blunt. Just a small one while I sat at my outside porch. We had a giant tree and a lot of ungroomed weeds in our garden. We also had a cat I personally named Pysser in the name of my favourite old person who recently died. He was a sergent Knud Romer was his name. He once wrote an article about me when I was fifteen going to summer camp for young boys with no other places to go for their vacation. God was I sad to see him go. When I was done with the blunt I went up to my room and opened my book. It was called Pimp and the author went by the moniker Iceberg Slim. What kind of badass shit was that. It was kind of interesting the way he proclaimed the pimp life. And he was a real gangster. His bottom whore at the end of her mileage. Meaning the whore who kept every other whore in his house in line. When she goes everything always goes to hell for a pimp. He conend her. He made a whole setup with actors to con her into thinking she killed a rich motherfucker. She would be in the hotel room and this guy would collapse on her. Slim would come up to the room and call a doctor and get the guy collected. Slim conned her into thinking he bribed the police. That way his bottom whore was good to go for more tricks. That’s some cold shit. My thought whirled reading about the cocaine snorting and his nose hurting feelings of something scraping at the roof of his brain made me dizzy. I closed the book and stared at the ceiling. Dreaming. Aw man what do I do now. My head bounced like a bass line I felt slick. Breathing heavily but still relaxed. I went down for a cig to clear my thoughts. Sitting there I couldn’t stop looking at all the animals we had in this household. Cat and two dogs just lying freely whenever wherever.

The next morning I came back 6 sharp. A long 10 hours shift. My legs were aching and my head spiining. I wasn’t used to long as shifts. I was only used to lying around doing nothing chilling with friends. But it would come to me In time oso I ekpt coming there shouting like the others. Loud and confident keeping my back steady trying to pull in costumers in. At the end of each shift you would get paid a percentage of what you’ve sold. The first day I sold I couple of vegetables to this old lady who though I was cute and some couples wanting watermelon smoothies. It didn’t go so well. And I sure as hell didn’t want those pity purchases from old ladies. I made two fifty. It really wasn’t much. But at least I was paid the first day. Something I wasn’t expecting. I went to home sat on the couch with the other living there. We sat there chilling drinking beer and playing chess. And some girl that was visiting was playing skyrim.

Dreamers day

I remember when I was a small kid. I would look at the ocean and dream of being a bird. I would be on the moon. I was a gay kid, really. So much that my mother and sister thought I was actually gay. I remember the beach of Turkey. The warm ocean on my limbs under the moonlight. The salt burning in your eyes. Those were the days of happiness and good rest. Father would show us to surf the water on our stomachs whenever a wave came. Also the days of Levanto were nice. Father and I would hike the mountains at daybreak. We would struggle to find a parking spot and Father would cuss. Sister and I would get mojitos and look at the natives. The parties were everywhere. We would bathe in the clear water by the cliff. I remember many young adults would jump in. Everyone wearing speedos except one skinny langy kid. A couple kissing. The guy would get a boner and the girl would cover his little man with her belly. They kissed passionately. People would jump in from 5 meters and even more. Chances were one day they wouldn’t jump far enough into the water and they would hit the sharp rocks at the cliffs bottom. I picked small black clams from the rock and lurked it open. Levanto was a trip through forests cussing. We were in Italy. Driving a big bad car. I would lie across the extra three seats in the behind. I would push my bare feet against the cold glass of the window. I would see the damp print of my feet and the water drops on the other side of the window. I was glad I was inside the warmth of the car. My sisters friend was along. I liked her. She must have been sisters best friend. Not anymore.. I would lie in the bed reading. I was afraid of small gold fish. We would see the colosseum. I would ask “is it real”. Father would laugh for 10 years. I am now here in bed. On the other side of the world. Mother was different. We would be inside. I would care about her. She would be weaker. Depressed. I would be worried sick. I am still worried. But I am also smarter. She can care for herself. She stopped smoking now for the seventeenth time. She says one day she will make it. I hope it for her sake. I am not sure. The price of cigarettes went up. I would watch television. I would come out and talk to her she would listen and I would cry. This pretty much sums up our relationship. I still love her though. I was a dreamer. My English teacher told my sister I lived on the moon. That was fine with me. Not anymore. I want to be in this world now. I want to do good.

The days when we were friends we would go around your backyard make silly films. Scream like small girls. But we were small boys. Guess there is not that big of a difference. We would draw silly faces in class. We would play on the smartboard. We didn’t care about anything but fun. We would be older and try to learn music. Try to do good in school. People break apart and new people find each other. Right now I don’t find anyone. I am alone with the people I live with. The are polite and we drink together. But we are not friends. Not yet but we could be., I think things can happen. “Don’t think twice it’s alright”. You can get everything down the first time you try. You see poetry and stories are written in the haze in the bottom of your mind. You have to write it now not think too much. Know what you want to write and hurry up. Times against you. You have to run or it will be dull or you will be drowsy. Don’t let anything walk up behind your back. Keep your ears and eyes open for everything. This is not the time for storytelling. Open your eyes open your ears. You didn’t see the best minds of your generation starving hysterical naked.

Three small kittens

The day came after the weekend to go back to work at the fruit parlor., The guy seemed to be very contend with my abilities. I would make at least ten dollars for my self each shift. And I would have just enough for food for the day. Not that it was enough. I still had rent to cover. So I seeked my boss for help asking “how do you make a living out of this. Whats the catch.” He responded “the catch is catch 22 anyone who wants to get out of combat duty isn’t really crazy”. “would you have to be crazy to want to be in combat?” he nodded “and it works the other way around too”. I pondered it over “you would have to be rationel to want to come out of combat?” “exactly”. It didn’t make any sense to me. What did that have to do with anything. After the shift my chef handed my a fairly small red book with the title Catch-22. I had only made eight dollars this day. It felt lousy. At least I was able to take as much leftover I wanted. That would cover my hunger, but the money wouldn’t cover my rent. Soon I would run out of money and I had no idea as to what to do. I came home and fell down the stinking madras on the floor of my room. I opened the first page of the book he had handed to me. Whatever it was about I was kind of excited to dick in. Every two hours I would go down for a cig and occasionally a glass of water. Didn’t eat anything except avocados. They sustain you for a long time and are delicious with salt. Just be careful some of the avocados are bad inside and will give you diarrhea. It isn’t very comfortable to go to the bathroom every ten minutes during a shift with your boss around. Next I had collected 330 dollars earning eleven dollars for myself. Which is a personal record of mine. I knew I could do better. Catch 22 was a real witty book I didn’t know what I had to learn from it. Each day I would come back to work my boss wouldn’t mention the book. He would just keep yelling for ten 12 hours straight like a muezzin standing on the top of the tower calling to prayer. He was insane. During the day his temple would pulsate like an angry cat who had catched syphilis. Sometimes his lips would be blue and he would have to sit down. Whenever that occurred shortly after he would pull up a small orange container from his pocket and down some pills. He must have had a heart disease or something. I wouldn’t get involved though. He never brought it up himself. So I figured he must have had a good reason to keep low profile. It wasn’t my fight to fight. Four times a day I would go further away with some of the other youngsters trying to make it as a fruit parlor. I was doing the worst but who really cares. It was no competition. I was just trying to make a living.

[anastasiaskarsgard]

Hydrangea

To read earlier chapters in this, go to my master list here

Warning: cursing and Smut!!! nsfw

Chapter 5

I ran through the house calling out for Max, but there was no happy little yip. No tip tapping of tiny nails on the hard floors. I checked each room, opening every door and closet, looking under every bed, but came up empty handed. I went outside shouting his name, in tears at this point. Every possible situation ran through my head. Wild animals, crazy eyes kidnappers, children, there was no telling! Realistically, He must of escaped when the cleaning people came. I decided to go on a hunt for him, when I heard the garden gate creak open. I looked over to find my beautiful bestie Bill walking towards me with a proud smile, carrying my little Max. Max began to wiggle like mad when he saw me, so Bill placed him down, and he raced over to me.

“Max!!! Oh my God! Where did you find him?” I squealed as I got down on the ground to celebrate reuniting with him.

“The neighbors down the way, found him earlier. They just swung by to ask if I knew where he lived and I did of course. No biggie!”

“I was having a freaking full on panic attack. Oh my gosh I am so happy! You’re a lifesaver!” I stood up and wrapped him in a tight embrace. I went to pull away, but he wasn’t quite ready to let go.

“Mind if I stick around? It’s a little overwhelming over there.”

“Mi casa is su casa motherfucker! You can help me put stuff away.” I said as I pulled out of his arms, and headed towards the house.

“You’ve been looking for the dog all this time?”

I stuck my tongue out at Bill and ran in the house, with Max dancing at my heels. I went over to the radio and tuned it to some upbeat poppy music and I danced as I put things away. Bill sauntered into the kitchen with an amused look on his face.

“Do you dance?” I asked him holding out my hand.

“Not well.”

I was so happy I found Max! I was in the best mood and just wanted to dance and be happy. I wasn’t feeling awkward or shy around him, so I shimmied my way over to Bill swaying my hips as I took both his hands. I twirled around, catching both hands again putting my back to him. He was just chuckling, shaking his head. I knew I actually had pretty good rhythm, he just didn’t feel comfortable enough yet.

“I think I need a few shots before I embarrass myself,” he said.

I released his hands and skipped over to the items I needed to take to my room. There was quite a bit, but luckily Bill was right there to help. I never had to even ask. He took the majority of the items, while I just carried the toilet paper.

“What should I wear tonight?” I asked him since I wasn’t sure how casual I could get away with.

“Can I choose your outfit?”

“Seriously? Sure. Are you trying to make me love you? Because if you get me a cupcake, my heart is yours.” I turned to look at him but her appeared serious.

“Is that all it takes?” Bill asked mockingly.

“It’s cuz I’m easy, I’m easy like Sunday morning,” I sang out. “ oh, I gotta call my Auntie. You can look through the few clothes I have here if you like for a few ok?”

Bill nodded and I ran back in the kitchen to grab the phone. I dialed her number and was disappointed to get the machine but I left a message:

Auntie I’m not dead! Im so sorry if you thought so. I took my little dog and we went to the Summer house before anyone could hurt me. Been hanging with the Skarsgards and I’d love to see you! Kisses. Love you! Miss you! This is Lauren just in case that’s not obvious. Bye

Hopefully she’d call back before the party. I was curious what Bill was doing, so I quietly crept back to my room and found him comparing clothing with the cutest concentration look on his face. It still shocked me that this was what that knobby kneed, skinny little dork turned into. He for sure had an awkward phase, that I saw end, and the beginning of a dreamboat emerged but even then, I never dreamed he’d be this hot, not at this level.

“It’s rude to stare.” He said without turning around.

“I was just wondering if you wanted a Washington apple drink? I make pretty good ones.”

“That’d be great actually, thank you. By the time you’re back, I’ll have an outfit.”

I rushed to the bar and combined the ingredients into a shaker, pouring it over ice in two snifter glasses. There was still enough for another drink, but I just decided to down it. I didn’t want to get wasted, but I needed some liquid courage for what I was about to do.

I walked back in the room and found bill sitting on the bed, lost in thought. I walked up in front of him and I handed him his drink. He smelled it cautiously, took a sip and smiled. “Very tasty, I like it!”

“Was there ever a doubt?”

“You’re going to be the best dressed bitch there! Is there Crown in this?”

I trailed my hand down the length of his arm, watching carefully as his breath hitched at my touch. He looked up into my eyes, and I bit my lip, internally debating if I was really going to do this.

“You're a damn tease," he grumbled at me.

I giggled as I rubbed my leg against his and removed my dress in one fell swoop, standing before him in only my underwear. He eyed me up and down, but didn’t reach out, so I walked around the bed, looking at the clothes he had selected for me to wear. I felt my face getting hot by the embarrassment of getting practically naked, with no reaction. It was really only a mere moment, but it felt far, far longer than that. Finally, he got up and walked around, spinning me around to face him, and gently pushing me to sit, before he carefully spread my legs and settled in between them.

“Bill..."

A contemplative look settled on his face, and i squirmed a bit. It was a bit unnerving sitting in my underwear, while he was fully clothed, shamelessly looking over my body.

I huffed, and he snapped his eyes to mine with an arrogant smirk. Cocky bastard.

He regarded me once more and it took all my self control to sit there confidently like this wasn’t a big deal. It was. Every crazy insecurity in my brain was screaming. I started to think about all the beautiful celebrities he sees naked, and models, and suddenly felt silly, but I was just as curious, as I was aroused what he was going to do. Maybe he’d pick up the clothes and dress me, but he was gonna do something, and I was here for it. I Never have had a man look at me as if i was a problem to figure out.

He looks into my eyes and bites that damn swollen lip of his. “I’ve wanted you for my entire life. You’re my dream girl. Now you’re in front of me and I’m actually nervous. I never get nervous.” He chuckled.

“That’s actually really sweet Bill. Show me what you dreamed to do”

“Yeah?”

“Mhmm.”

His Hands settled on my hips, gently tugging me forward slightly, he leans over me, warm breath over my neck as he presses his lips to mine passionately. It’s as though someone has ignited a match under him and his kisses grow more and more desperate and needy in no time at all, turning us into panting, moaning messes. I feel His hand slide up my body, cupping my breast as his thumb rolls over my nipple. I clench at the comforter as his mouth trails downwards, teasing me with soft bites across my torso.

“Oh, fuck..." I whimper.

It seems to amuse him to see me try to keep my composure, in spite of the death grip on the comforter and my toes curling. I hated that he was being so patient and controlled as he played with my body, as we both caught our breaths. Mumbles of 'tease' and 'mean' accidentally slipped out of my mouth.

He pulled himself up, causing me to whine, as he hovered over me sporting a smirk on his face. "I'm mean now am I?"

"Don't play dumb Bill, you know what you’re doing."

He lowered himself down pressing his body against me, so I can feel his excitement against my thigh, making the reality of what was happening very well... real. It didn’t seem wrong tho.

“Don’t move,” he whispered in my ear. Fucking seriously? I was so turned on and wanted to touch him so bad, but I played along and watched him longingly as he slowly undressed, pausing to neatly fold his clothes into a pile. There was no need for rope, or anything to bind me. When he said not to move, i knew I better not dare move. He had a confident undertone I suspected liked being the boss. My breathy moans filled the air as he took his time, before settling his mouth on my chest, teasing and playing with my nipples, till finally my voice was full of desperation.

He migrated downwards, mouth moving south, before grasping beneath my knees, pulling my legs over his shoulders.

It took every ounce of my self control to hold still, to not grab him by his thick hair, and grind against his face when I felt his tongue slide between my folds, flicking over my clit. He had a heavenly mouth and a wicked tongue, And I loved that, but it was terrible now when it seemed like his goal wasn't to make me cum, but make me beg. His Tongue continued to ravage my clit, and i felt him slide a finger inside, and then a second, bending his fingers crooked and quickly finding the spot that made my whole body start to shake.

“Bill you fucking tease, I want you.” I mosned impatiently.

He laughed lowly but he didn't stop. The movement of his fingers was slow, and he sucked gently at my clit, tongue flicking against it, over and over again. He wanted me to slowly burn, until i was nearly mad with my arousal. I was moaning freely now, pleasure mounting steadily, but it wasn't enough to push me over the edge, it was just enough to keep me there teetering.

I wanted to touch him, wanted to push my sex against his face and make him, make me cum.

“Bill, please," I moaned, urgently, “Please, I need..." I needed him to make me cum, needed him to kiss me and fuck me. “I need you," i squeaked.

Bill growled and increased the pace of his fingers, while he increased the pressure of his tongue against my clit. My fingers curled, nails digging into my palms moaning, feeling my release hurtling towards me. I gave a loud cry as I came, eyes fluttering closed as Bill rode the wave, till the last drop of my orgasm was done.

I laid there blissfully, eyes still closed, until I felt him pull away from me, causing an instant panic and fear of him not wanting anything from me. I took a moment to steady my breathing, and stopped myself from leaping up seeming too needy. I told myself to play it cool as I slowly opened my eyes, to find him gazing down at me, raising his fingers to his mouth and sucking them clean.

"God, you're so fucking hot." I felt stupid as soon as I said it, but I still felt spaced out, brain unable to come up with something more complex or romantic this soon after an orgasm.

He laughed a little and a genuine smile stretched across his face. I loved his smile. I couldn’t help but look up at him and smile like a fool.

“Come here, I have a secret to tell you.” I said mischeviously.

He leaned down over me, resting his weight on his elbows as he buried his hands in my hair, and kissed me. This was what I wanted. I could taste myself on his lips and tongue, and a thrill ran up my spine when I heard him moan quietly. I managed to pull back, just barely.

"Can I touch you?" I asked, gazing deep in his eyes.

There was fleeting panic on his face, but it quickly disappeared and he nodded.

I ran my fingers through his hair. He shuddered slightly, and my free hand reached down between our bodies, wrapping around the length of his cock. I watched his face as i stroked slowly, seeing his eyes darken as he made soft moans and gentle grunts. He was so beautiful.

"I want you, Bill, please?” I whimpered and the way he made me feel when I saw he wanted me too, is indescribable. Carefully settling his weight on one arm, he positioned himself at my entrance, pressing his lips into mine, as his hips pressed forward slowly. It was amazing feeling him completely inside, and both of us took a moment to adjust deepening our kiss.

Taking hold of my hand, Bill intertwined his fingers with mine, pinning it to the bed as he thrust into me, each thrust harder than the last. Shameless moans and heavy breathing filled the room, and i felt pressure on my hand as he squeezed it, almost in unison to his thrusts.

I was shocked to find myself quickly approaching another orgasm, but something about the urgency and harshness in his movements, and his lean body pressed against mine, combined with his scent and sounds he made was driving me insane. His name was now all I could say, over and over, till I arched my back, and screamed as i came a second time.

Bill’s own release followed shortly, my name whispered on his exhale, as he maintained the most intense eye contact I’ve ever experienced.

A comfortable silence filled the room, as I closed my eyes And he pressed his forehead against mine, catching his breath, still thrusting slowly as I rode out the last waves. I tilted my head to give him a brief kiss, and he opened his big green eyes. He smiled softly at me, and it made my heart flutter knowing that smile was just for me. I caused it.

“Wanna shower and head over to the party?” He asked.

“Everyone’s going to be able to tell we did this. I have a terrible poker face.”

“Nah, they won’t be able to tell till I get everyone’s attention and announce ‘excuse me everyone, but I finally fucked Lauren’” he teased. At least I hoped he was.

“You’re so bad.”

“Honestly my mother would probably start to plan our wedding.”

“Shut up.”

“Seriously! You should hear her talk about you! She adores you.”

“Bill I will 100% marry you to make your mother mine and won’t feel guilty at all. Seriously though, don’t tell anyone.”

“Why? Are you ashamed of me?”

“No Bill. After that performance and this face, no bitch has ever been ashamed of you. Just it’s none of their business.”

“Have you met them?”

He slowly pulled out of me, pulling me up to stand, and kissing me over and over as he lead the way to the shower. He turned on the water, and lead me inside, letting me stand in the water. I switched with him, watching the soap run off his body and the way he had to bend down a little bit to get his hair wet. He caught me looking and switched

“I feel like it’s you and me against the world again,” he beamed down at me.

I smiled and nodded, but then I turned into the water so he couldn’t tell that some of the water was coming from my eyes.

[lovebunnie]

fr the poem questions: all of them >: )c

jared... only for you...

the tyger – are you a taker of calculated risks or do you enjoy playing with fire? would you rather ask for permission or forgiveness?

i am a major rule follower, i am not at all adventurous and i like to stay in my comfort zone. my life is a mix of staying true to my comfort zone and doing what I feel is right, first instinct. 

i carry your heart with me – do you believe in fate? what’s your secret to living a good life?

i tend to not believe in fate, it tends to make people not take responsibility for their actions and it leaves a bad taste in my mouth; predestination takes away humility from us. and i wouldnt say that im currently living a good life, its getting there but more often then not i would not describe my days as ‘happy’, more so just another day. but to make a day not outwardly bad, i firmly believe in having a really good breakfast in the morning and taking a shower at night. both of those really make my days better.

i wandered lonely as a cloud – what does nature mean to you? where do you feel most at peace?

nature for me is what comes to us instinctively and what we turn to for comfort in trying times. i feel the most at peace either at summer camp or in my bedroom with my cat :3

blackberrying – what were your early years like? do you miss being a child?

my early years were very happy, i was a very happy and funloving child. it was a time where i wasnt told about any of my family drama so i lived in blissful ignorance. i definitely miss being a child, all the way up to about 7th grade. its just been downhill from 8th grade and on.

ode to a nightingale – how do you feel about your own mortality? do you believe in life after death?

my mortality is something of a burden i carry with me everyday, a reminder that every minute is precious and this is the only life i get, i have one shot to not fuck it up. i dont believe in the afterlife, the concept of death is something that if i think too hard about then itll fuck me up.

hope is the thing with feathers – what gives you hope? what would you tell your 10-year-old self?

hope comes from those news stories about good news, like charity donation goals being hit and remembered anniversaries and flower bouquets in public, there is good in the world and sometimes its hard to find but its always there. to my 10 year old self, i would tell her to not hold too tightly to those around you, and that life constantly changes so dont get too attached or comfortable because itll prevent you from growing in the future.

the road not taken – do you find it hard to make decisions? what regrets do you have?

its really hard to make decisions because i always assume that my ideas are wrong or bad so if someone else takes the lead, i cant be blamed. as far as regrets, i wish that in my past, i just put myself out there more. i couldve spent highschool actively seeking for possibilities instead of sulking and wishing they came to me. they dont ever, you have to find them.

still i rise – what's your relationship with yourself like? what are your best qualities?

i have a bad relationship to myself; if i admire one trait about myself, the other traits must be less than. for example, if i think i look nice one day, then i remember abt my grades or my writing and how much i hate both of those. i can never be fully at peace, it will never be enough to sate my psyche. my ‘best’ qualities depend on the day, right now i think i have nice eyelashes.

howl – can you express yourself freely? do you feel smothered by societal norms?

i struggle everyday to be my genuine self. its not so much societal norms but my own mind; i want to look nice but i dont want to attract too much attention. i want to be remembered but not for how good my ass looks or whatever. my biggest fear is that people see me as something desirable but only sexually so i want to dress how i feel but i cant because im terrified of the gaze of men on my campus.

the raven – are you in touch with your feelings? how would you describe the relationship between emotions & rationality?

im extremely in touch with my feelings. i can acknowledge when i am angry or sad or happy, even if i dont know why. i allow myself to feel my feelings and then let them pass, i hate bottling those things up. between emotions and rationality, i use my emotions 9 times out of 10. i ask myself, ‘what do i want?’ and the first thing i come up with, i know is what i truly want to do. 

sonnet 116 – how do you define love? what qualities do you look for in a significant other?

i think love is everything; its the warmth of hanging out with familiar people, its when people remember facts about you, its a meaningful hug and its ‘this reminded me of you’. its different for everyone but i feel love in everything i do. in a significant other, the biggest thing is being able to make me laugh, if youre funny than im sold.

to autumn – what's your favorite season and why? what cherished memories do you associate with that season?

my favorite season is winter because it has lots of holiday warmth, good food, pleasant childhood memories, and comfortable clothing. also i love snow. i have very vivid memories of a blizzard in maryland when i was 11(?) years old, my neighbor tied a sled to the back of his ATV and dragged us around the cul de sac, it was so much fun!!

the waste land – do you like big cities? if you could choose any place on earth, where would you settle down?

i love big cities, they evoke so many feelings of love and the atmosphere being surrounded by people makes me so happy! if i could live anywhere, i think it would be san francisco, i love the city and the weather and the public transportation!!

o captain! my captain! – what are your aspirations in life? what motivates you?

in life, i want to give a tedtalk. i would also love to publish a book but i dont like what i write so if i ever did, id end up hating the book anyway in a year or so. i want to teach people the joy of public speaking and i want to give kids the joys i had given to me by my teacher when i was their age. my motivation comes from, this has to be done and if no one else will do it, it might as well be me. i have the passion and everything else will follow after that.

she walks in beauty – what's your aesthetic? how would you describe the relationship between inner goodness & outer beauty?

id describe my aesthetic as lovecore, i love the color pink and red and hearts and flowers and teddy bears and dresses and sparkles and valentines day and i love everything stereotypically ‘cute’. and i feel there is no outer beauty without inner goodness, if someone has bad intentions or a rotten core, their outward appearance will reflect.

one art – how do you deal with loss? do you write diary entries, poetry or prose?

thankfully i have not had to go through tremendous loss in my life but when i feel an emotional loss or general low point, i tend to move towards art, aimless doodling to take my mind off of situations. it centers me.

work, sometimes – how does your favorite weather make you feel? what is happiness to you?

my favorite weather makes me feel SO happy, all smiley and giddy and like things are going to be okay, just for one day, i will make this a good one. happiness to me is comfort and joy, its something that makes you laugh until your sides hurt and its art that you look at and feel. happiness isnt a huge moment, its little moments scattered throughout the days.

acquainted with the night – do you think there's such thing as the right time? what’s your outlook on the world?

no, i dont like to set things off for the thought of there being a right and wrong time. time isnt real and we only have so long on earth so there is no time but the present. go get that tattoo, ask them out, eat that snack. my outlook on the world is that there is a lot of bad shit but there is also a lot of good shit you will never see but it important nonetheless. you cant change the world in a day so you might as well take it one day at a time, working everyday to make it as good as possible.

if – do you daydream a lot? are you volatile, or do you stay calm when conflicts arise?

i love to day dream, it helps me determine what i really want and its a lovely distraction when the goings get tough. i try to avoid conflicts in every situation possible but if i were pushed, id either accept my mistake and apologize and work towards a better future; or i would tell the other person how im feeling and what i can do to help them feel better.

what would i give? – do you cry often? if you could change anything about your past, what would it be?

things make me sad but rarely enough to cry, things more so tend to weigh me down then break me. i let the sadness take me however it sees fit. and if thats to cry, so be it. if i could change anything about my past, i would just say that you will only get this chance to start over in a new state once, the years will go by quick so to TAKE OPPORTUNITIES WHEN THEY SHOW THEM SELF TO YOU!!!!!!

[klarkkent71]

TRAGEDY & VERSATILITY

September 8 2019

I still have more content about places to visit and other experiences but these will be my last set of poems until after vacation

TRAGEDY SERIES

 HELL(Dedicated to the victims of mass shootings)

I hate it for you and in the back of my mind I’m feeling bitter yet so numb

Thinking to myself what has this world become to where we cant control those with the guns.

I want to write to my congressman and let out rage but he won’t listen because the lobbyist pay him funds

One shooting after the next more parents crying over a loved one

And to those committing the acts, my only question is why

Hatred, mental illness, jealousy, to understand I can’t try but to express my anger and say we do need change is a fight where I won’t be shy

Just know that I’m tired of innocent angels gaining their wings from others may they rest in peace in that place pass the sky.

 PAIN

I look up to the sky and ask God why do the weather he gives add pain

Strong winds and natural disaster leads to another life that changed.

And what I’m discussing is beyond the times of Noah and the boat

But more on modern-day horrors such as seeing dead bodies of victims who just float

Or these fires that just burn through the western parts of the state.

I can only wish grace and mercy and pray for others and their fate

To lose everything in one instance I can fathom the weight

 CUPID TEARS

I dreamed at night that we were together and woke up and nothing was there

I put you on my mind and fell back asleep thinking I don’t have a care

In the midst of it all I played everything in the back of my mind

One memory after the next of when you used to be mine

But now I’m just an empty shell sitting sad and alone wishing you were here.

I felt myself crying at one point and letting it all out thinking to myself this must be Cupid tears

 BLACK HEROES

United we stand and divided we fall

An era of great leaders once chosen to answer the call

But with hope and courage comes a threat to their way of life

We preach to love your fellow man at times and do what’s right

Unless that man comes from a different creed and get singled out

You stand up and fight for your freedom that’s what it’s about

But to see the vision come true was something you kept in your head.

They say you were a threat and wanted to make a change by any means now you’re dead

And now the vision you fought for happened but the people divided

Trapped in the constraints of Willie Lynch with no guidance provided

We off the plantation now though and back in the hood

Thinking to ourselves life is good when in reality we’re trapped.

None trusting of our own so we stay strapped

We have colored skinned but we divided by color

You wear red or blue you now an enemy even though you’re my brother

Let's talk about the impact now that drugs had

Shit, Sad.

 QUESTION 2

Will the world ever be at peace

 TRAPPED(dedicated to those who afraid to be who they are)

Because we live in a traditional society you feel belittled for who you love

Bible goers tell you your actions will get you sent to hell when it says in the book of Mathew not to judge

Those with a closed mind will shun you and not try to understand how you feel

Just tease you for being different and want you to think you’re mentally ill

So pressure builds up and now you feel all alone

Questioning the way you were born to feel and think that everything about you is wrong

So you see death as an escape from it all

The thoughts grow stronger you thinking of multiple pills or blowing your brains on the wall.

I get sick of society and the pressures that others get to where they can’t be themselves

I pray that you find peace before it’s too late.

 INTERLUDE

Love hurts but I’m grateful and feeling something and that’s alive.  I'm feeling hopeful that I can be torn and put back together.  In some instance even stronger than before.  I honestly think that beautiful things can happen when others get completely torn down at times

 VERSATILITY SERIES

Untiled

I look into your eyes and just get lost

Your chin is on my chest and you’re looking at me like I’m everything in your world

When it comes to spending time with you no matter the distance I’ll pay the cost

Our hearts beat as one and you’re my dream girl

Though the love will always remain the time of being in love been came to end

No titles or constant communication, in reality, we’re not even friends

And now I just hold on to the memories.

I look down at my phone wishing it was you

Wishing one last time I can hug and kiss you

I’ll tell you deep down inside how much I truly love and miss you

But I don’t

I just stare at a blank screen and smile at the notification from you accidentally liking something

 A PAGE

I go hard for my last name so grinding to get after my dreams is nothing

I was motivated from the start my whole life I been grinding and hustling

Early on I was placed in special classes until it was discovered that I couldn’t hear.

So many years achievements later and I'm more than what they thought and I’m still standing right here.

The crazy part about it is that I haven’t fully stepped into my potential and what I can really be

The vision is still clear and I’m still chasing one more degree

I’ve done others wrong in the past and apologized and let go

Thanking God for the changes and maturity along with the growth.

I ‘m proud of who I become

Once wanted to fit in until I learned to march to my own drum

I lived seasons where people came in and out my life to where I grew numb

I had those close to me steal funds when I would‘ve fed them a meal and ate the crumbs

But here I am remaining humble

BLUE WATER

I’m staring out thinking what’s beyond my vision

Blue water, calm waves, to see past it is my mission

Thinking just how freely and smooth what you have just flow

Easily in just many directions, you can just go

I honestly admire the vibe

Being in your presence I feel the high

 MY VIEW

I don’t care what your religious text says deep down this is how I feel

You claim your actions are saving souls from being killed

But the choice to me is with the beholder and not with the traditions they keep in Saudi

I’m stating this right now that a woman should have control of her body

It’s crazy we’re all birthed and come from a womb

 VOTED FOR THE DEVIL

On the night I found out the devil won I wasn't surprised at the outcome or what the world has become.

I just know that a nation which was built of sins of others found their chosen one

The fact we constantly divide makes the beast strong

I keep telling myself that it’s just temporary but the days keep getting longer

And to those with brown skin instead of providing help we build walls.

Lies after lies I’m not even shocked or appalled

Really I’m entertained by those so simple to believe the lies

Draft dodging, fornicating, grab her by the pussy, Russian meddling, and spies.

I’m gone wait to really unleash in the future

Frames

I found pictures and it immediately made my mind jump in the past

Still frames of happiness of when I thought everything we had would last

I saw a birthday cake with candles with you wearing a white coat standing on a chair

Memories ill keep forever in my heart they will always be rare

I see beaches, balls, and baby showers along with pictures at my parents after church

I thought these were memories ill never get back but found on my laptop during a random search

I found a random jump drive and placed every picture on it so they will be in one spot

Im forever grateful that I have a passion for photography because they bring back memories we all forgot

Even flashing back from the good to the bad the mood will be remembered by the faces and emotions in the frame and over 80% it’s smiles

This is the closing of one chapter of poetry and the introduction of the next my next set of poems that will be pulled directly from my heart will called simply “NATALIE”

Whenever I post “NATALIE” it’ll cover many poems but i wanted some of the intro posted

Intro to NATALIE

All black, I feel it’s the color that represented me for years

Now im stepping out on faith thinking to myself I cant believe I showed up and right here

I felt like rock bottom to be honest I’m out the house and stepping out from fear

Sitting here faking like I know the culture but let’s be real what black person drink beer 🤔

[differentcollectionpersonaus]

Getting it out there

I have no idea what to write. I have so many plans and hobbies I want to become good at but its like im chained down with ankle weights. I want to become a writer, I also have a strong passion for art. But in the age of 18 I haven't been drawing as much as I should have so I could actually come as far as to how long I have been drawing. I have also written since I knew my letters. I think its awkward to write in my own language so I stick to English but my vocabulary is unbelievably weak and I try to read books in English but I can't focus on the sentences. I have that problem even if i'm reading Norwegian texts. Its hard. I know I just have to get up and write. For hours. Thats why im sitting here now. I fall in love with what others write and spends hours researching what others have to say about it when i could've used that time to improve myself.

I'm really scared to go out there where they are. I don't even have that much real life friends so how im i gonna make it in the internet? I don't understand anything. My dreams are so big and strong but i just walk on time. I have a lot of it. I'm in my younger years there is no rush. But then suddenly im older. Everything moves to fast and i'm not noticing it. I had the exact same thought four years ago and i still havent done anything. It's sad. I can sit in my bed. Have my laptop open and reading all these wonderful tips and looks at peoples book collections and art and I look up and see the dim light surrounding my desk. It's the perfect time to write, draw or play the piano. But i cant get up to do it. My bookshelf standing there with all my book waiting for me to pick one up and open it. And i don't. What's the point of reading if you can't even catch the words? Suddenly I am three pages in front when I realize I haven't paid attention at all. I try to go back and re-read it but it won't stick. Frustration and anger fills me. “why can't I do what i love so much?” At least what I loved. Now it's just a dark spiral of me standing there with all these directions and nowhere to go.

Still I think this is much better written than the other biography-character thing i tried. This is coming straight from my heart. It pains me that i'm like this. I want to start a small bookstore since no one of the other stores where you can leave your stuff in my area takes in old books anymore. I want to become a great pianist. Not necessarily for the stage but for the joy. The family parties and quiet moments for myself. I want to become an artist. Let others enjoy the pictures I create with my mind and some paper. I want to become a writer to show people my world and thoughts.

All the pressure about school and people telling me what i can't or shouldn't do doesn't help much. But luckily i'm not the one to lose hope. I want to do everything that i want. I'm ready to work for it. But i'm so unbelievably scared. I know I have people around me. That supports me. This is big and important to me. But i don't have any connections. I have no one to ask questions. I'm not the person to ask just freely on the net, even anonymously. I have no idea what i'm doing. I went to a lovely piano school where i learned a whole lot, but had to quit since we didn't have the money for it. Now my keyboard stands in my room collecting dust since i no longer know what I can do. I have tried apps and searched online but it's really hard to keep it up. I got myself a cheap iPad from my birthday money, and its great but i have lost all energy and motivation to pick it up and use it.

I have used a lot of money on my hobbies. Money that's just burning up because I can't control my will. One day that iPad is gonna break. No surprise but then, what did I use it for? Following my dream and doing what I intended in the first place or letting it sit on my desk untouched or just used for looking at the things I wanted to create. What about all the art supplies and pens i have gotten myself saying “this will do the trick” even if i know that it won't. Only I can do the trick only that i don't know how to manage it yet. Even if I do.. I don't really know what's holding me back. I know that if i fuck up. I can delete my account and start over as somebody else. Its easy but still my mark will be set, but even then they may not be able to find me. I know people can easily find me with some posts and a deleted account if they really wanted to. People have done things like that for less of a reason. I guess i just want to become part of something. I try several different things to see where I fit in. All I have ever wanted most in my life is a gang i can call my own. Not that im the boss but just that feeling of being part of something. I have never truly been together like that with anything. I have had friends but never many. Just one close friend at the time and their friends. I got further inn. I was just there because of my one connection to the group. I could call some of them friends but we never hung out together alone. I hate that. I want to be in a group where I can feel close to everyone. I'm really shy and anxious, especially on the net and over messages, but i have worked really hard for this.

I don't know how it got to my personal life but.. That's how writing just straight from your heart is. You never know how its gonna end. I could take this to a nun in some kind of mountain if I wanted to. That's one thing i love about writing. It can take you anywhere, and you don't need to go anywhere. Even better: I can take whoever reads this to my paradise. I can take you to a distant world that is my mind, just with some movements of my hand. I can tell you about a waterfall hidden behind a wall in the mountain and you`ll stand there with me with your own colors and and pictures. You and I cooperate to make one picture. I describe the scene and with your mind you fill in the lines and color the whole thing in whatever you want. I love that. I can help hundreds or maybe thousand create a scene in their head with my words and your minds. I like the sound of that. I know i'm not alone in this, and after sitting here, just spewing out words from inside of myself for the last 45 minutes I have realized that I can't write anything without help. Without people to read my stories there will be no picture. Just some small lines without color or pencil streaks. I know that even if that wasn't the case i still need you to read it, but something about that way of thinking can really boosts someones mind. Of Course I always have a picture of what my lines look like, but that's not the most interesting. I can sit here and speculate for hours of what that picture may look like and you can read that line once and have a clear picture of what it looks like.

I wish i could read better. I haven't manage to color anyones lines for a long time. Even of i keep buying books and hoping that one day I get to read them.It's quite silly and stupid really. I feel weak that I can't pick up anything that I love and continue to work my way up to love it more. I have gotten myself up to school and jobs that i hate when I just want to give it all to stay home and do what really calls my heart but then i get the chance and I don't take it. If i don't start now i may never get it either.

I don't know if I want to post this. I feel weak and ashamed of myself for not doing all the things I should have, but on the other hand maybe someone needs this. They can use my low point to get just a tiny step closer to their high points. It's a quite long post, but if someone actually reads it and find it helpful it will be more than enough for me. I just wrote this to get it out of my system really. It will maybe benefit us both. I have touched a lot of themes and parts of my life and thoughts so I think I will end it here. I feel drained in a good way. I haven't written anything like this in a long time and it was good to finally get it out.

[glowgettermomma]

Stronger than stigma

How often have you been asked, who are you or what do you aspire to become? Or how about the all-time classic, where do you see yourself in five or ten years from now? Now how many of you all envisioned the same big picture yet somehow, deep down inside, there is still a little something missing. I for one, will be the first to admit that through all of my ups and downs of life, I’ve finally discovered a spiritual part of me that I never would have expected to find. A part of me that has woken up my inner goddess and who is ready to let her light shine. I’ve found my love and passion for sharing my voice by writing and spreading positive vibes with all of the wonderfully empowering women in my tribe.

Now ask yourself this. (And when you do, allow yourself to not only challenge your mind but your heart too).

Am I this woman?

Are you that woman silently nodding your head because you can relate to what you’re reading? Are you quietly yelling at yourself because deep down inside you know that you feel the exact same way.

Well, if that’s the case, then you’ve got an incredibly empowering journey ahead of yourself. The only challenge is being able to challenge yourself to find what that missing piece of you is. And once you discover that missing piece, great things will start to happen. And rest assured, that once they do, there is no turning back. WE are going to be those women who will finally make OUR own dreams come true. And WE are going to be those women who won’t be afraid to let the world know who we are. Because as woman, not only are we capable of doing all of these things but we will do it with pride, joy and with absolutely no stigmas or labels attached to our name.

Today we will strip ourselves free of all of those labels and stigmas that have stopped us from blooming, and we will become the voice who will teach females of all ages how to bloom freely and blow our own damn minds away. We will do it with a fearless attitude, determination in our voice, and with absolutely no judgement behind us. It’s about the hustle and bustle ladies and now is the time to do our own damn thing at our own damn pace. And why you ask? Because it’s just about that damn time.

So now I ask you this. Who are you? And don’t worry, you don’t need to answer this one right away. Because while you’ll probably need a second or two to find the answer, it took me almost an entire year. A year of self-challenges, self-love and lots of self-care.

Who am I?

Well, to start, I decided to begin this journey by digging deep and searching for that little girl who used to dream big and send wishes to the nights sky. And once I was able to find that little girl, I allowed myself to remind that teenage girl, who once loved to day dream, to keep on dreaming because her dreams would create such an empowering woman one day. A woman who has learned to take any stigma and any label attached to her name and push them away for good. A woman who is finally not afraid to shine.

It’s time to re-bloom ladies. So why not do it together because I promise you, that once we do, we will all be holding hands shouting out loud to the world, that from this day forward, our future is stigma free.

And to all those bad-vibe-goody-two-shoes who only strive to put you down, let them. Dare them. And sit back and watch as you blow their minds away. Challenge them to challenge you as you now face the new and improved you. The you that you know will become a god damn rock star. The you that is capable and ready to show the world what you are made out of. Ladies its time to throw those damn punches and roll with them at your own damn pace. And don’t you ever let anyone take that power away from you because it’s yours and you’ve earned it. And now, you will finally OWN it.

So how exactly does one live stigma free?

Well, there’s no one right answer, but rather, many great ones.

What and how you choose to do for yourself will be the stepping stone to living a happy and healthy life. Choosing how to react to certain situations will help you push past the stigmas and make a name for yourself. But it all starts with one person, you.

So? Where should you start?

No wait, scratch that and let’s rephrase.

Where should you start How should you start?

Start by asking yourself, who are you? What are your strengths? What inspires you? What drives you? What are your dreams? And build on from there. Then once you’ve gotten to know yourself all over again, tell yourself three positive affirmations and allow yourself to believe in them. Manifest positivity in your life and then keep on repeating. (Do this every single day and you will see how life changing a single positive thought can be).

The idea is to start from the beginning and simply get to know yourself all over again. I know, it sounds kind of silly but think of this as a first date. Except, you’re not meeting anyone on this date, your simply dating yourself.

It’s about pushing past the bullshit no matter what struggles you’ve faced and it’s about taking the old you and allowing yourself to truly see what you can offer the universe rather than what the universe can offer to you. It’s about taking your name and owning it the way all women were meant to do in the first place. But most importantly, it’s about waking up feeling happy and loving the you that faces you in the mirror. And sure you’ll say to yourself, done, easy, no problem. Truth-it’s going to be the hardest most difficult task you’ll ever have to accomplish for yourself. And that task will be impossible to do unless you can honestly say that you truly and unconditionally love yourself.

I love myself.

I love myself.

I love myself? (Yes it always starts as a question before it becomes an affirmation).

When I first asked myself if I did love myself, I came up with all the reasons why life was good.

Not great. Just good.

And to be quite honest, I was so skeptical about this idea of falling in love with myself that I just allowed myself to believe that I was.

But in truth, I wasn’t. Not even a little bit.

And when I started to really take time to focus on my mind and my heart, each day, a little more of me started to shine. And while the journey leading up to this new revelation wasn’t as easy as I anticipated, it was so incredibly empowering. In fact, not only was it empowering, it was absolutely necessary.

If there one thing that I have recently come to learn about myself, it’s that, it’s okay to not be okay. And although this phrase can mean a lot of different things to a lot of different women, it all comes down to the same thing, YOU. How you choose to deal with life and its struggles and what you choose to do to make you become a happier you, will be the beginning of the new and transformed you. And that goddess, will liberate you in all aspects of your life.

It is so important that we remind ourselves of how awesome we truly are because these words alone can potentially change and save a life. YOURS.

Self-Love or self-care? Please do explain this new phenomenon.

As women, we are always running around constantly trying to keep up with our busy schedules and lifestyles. And often times, we forget to take care of ourselves. We tend to neglect our mental and spiritual health and ignore that little neon sign with the words ‘self-care’ flashing over our heads.

Self-care. My new favourite happy word. Ladies, if you will, please allow me the honor to introduce to you, my latest and most exciting new relationship in my life; a relationship with myself. The reason why I now wake up feeling empowered, positive, and happy.

Many can question what self-care really means. But before you can self-care you need to stop and self-love. And it’s as clear as water. You need to start loving yourself no matter where you are in your life.

Stop.

Take a deep breathe.

And love the crap out of yourself.

Once you do that, taking care of yourself will become so easy and instantly a part of your daily routine. In fact, you’ll become so addicted to this new part of our life that you’ll notice it right away if you haven’t stopped to take care of yourself.

It will be at that moment, when you realize the importance of you in your life.

So are you ready to date yourself?

Alright, so now I’m dating myself, sounds kind of strange.

[laughing out loud]

Sure, from a literal point of view, saying those words does sound kind of strange but try listening beyond the words ‘dating myself’ and it’ll all make sense.

In fact, let me simplify it for you right now.

Dating yourself means putting yourself first.

That’s it?

Yup! That’s it!

And I know what you’re thinking. Yeah right! No way! Im-freakin-possible.

How about saying, you’re right! Yes way! And it’s really freaking possible instead.

Putting yourself first isn’t as easy as putting yourself last and as women, we all know how easy it is to neglect ourselves for the sake of other more important priorities. But realistically speaking, the only way that you can put yourself last is if you actually stop caring and loving yourself. And we all know that as woman, mothers, sisters, and any female force in this world, we are simply not programmed to do that. Loving is what we do best. However, for many, myself included, it can and it does happen. Somewhere at some point, we just stop caring for ourselves. We are only human and as humans we live with such high and unrealistic exceptions, and especially for ourselves that putting ourself down or last in line sort of becomes the new ‘normal’. But we can change all of that. We can take this new normal and make it yesterday’s old news.

Ladies, from this day forward, stop, wake up and put yourself first. Drink that cup of hot coffee. Take that long deserving hot shower and girl, put on your makeup and get your behind out there and soak in five minutes of you-time. You’re soul will truly appreciate it. And so will you.

Okay, I get it. Me first. But why? Isn’t that selfish?

Heck no! The second you decide to choose yourself over and above everything else in your life (without neglecting or forgetting what truly is important to you) is the moment where you begin transforming into the newer, better and stronger version of you. Choosing yourself first does not mean you’re neglecting your priorities. It does not mean that you are selfish and it sure as hell does not mean that you get to do this and then feel guilty about it.

Choosing you is allowing yourself to be truly happy which in turn, will make you’re tribe happy. Note to self; your vibe attracts your tribe.

Let today be is the first day where you finally wake up and decide to do something for yourself.

Accepting you as you and only you.

Alright, so I’ve decided that today I’m going to put myself first, but now where do I go from here?

Well, a small yet incredibly powerful but simple task is what will be your starting point, a little simple something called, breathing.

Once, twice, three times or maybe even four. But you do it and you do it with all the right intention in your soul. Manifest positive intention in your soul and allow your vibe to attract what your true being really needs. And I’m not just talking about drinking a glass of water, I’m talking about truly feeding your soul with the right amount of love and light.

And peacefulness.

Sounds kind of iffy, I know. But I kid you not, there is something so incredibly fascinating about taking the time to stop and watch as your life begins to re-bloom right before your eyes. So many great things can come out of just one simple breathe.

Alright so I took a deep breathe, I’m not sure what to expect next?

Expectations are what will fail you from the get go. And when it comes to breathing, and I’m talking about actual five minute a day deep breathing, it’s not as simple as a simple deep breathe. So stop looking for the answer. Let the answer come to you.

Deep breathing is a method that actually needs to be taught and learned.

It took me over 7 weeks to be able to allow my thoughts to calm down while allowing my body to accept my deep breaths. Two years later, meditation has become to saving grace and what’s even more amazing, is that my two and five year old daughters enjoy this peace out time too. It’s now become part of our family bedtime routine.

Deep breathing? Isn’t that in from your nose and out from your mouth?

Sure, if you need to describe that in writing then you’re absolutely correct. However, from a spiritual and physical point of view, it’s more then just those two easy simple steps.

It’s a mater of allowing your body to accept and receive that breath and exhaling it back to the universe when you no longer need it.

It’s about letting your mind pause for a second so that your world can be at peace even if it’s for a split second.

It’s about stopping at a red light and rather then thinking about your to-do list, close your eyes for those few seconds and just breathe.

It’s really all about taking the time to do you by taking care of yourself.

Now while it’s really not that simple of a task, don’t give up. Allow yourself the challenge of teaching yourself how to take care of yourself and to your fullest capacity. It won’t be easy but once you find the ability to do it, you won’t ever want to stop.

Now why is it so essential that you stop and take a breather from time to time. Well, it’s because we too need to stop and ask ourselves, hey girl, how the heck are you today? Have you stopped to drink some water? Have you stopped to express yourself today? Have you stopped and looked around and smiled because you are alive and healthy and well, let’s be damn straight about it, you’re you and you’re pretty freaking awesome.

When was the last time when you stopped to ask yourself how you were truly feeling? Really think about this. I bet your answer is the same as mine was when I first asked myself this exact question.

I don’t know how I feel. That’s what I told myself. And I felt so damn shitty about the fact that I couldn’t even answer my own question that it put me in such a downward spiral that I checked out emotionally in almost all aspects of my life.

And once this happens, it’s very difficult to get yourself back up no matter how much you try. But you can. And you will. Because I did and I’m telling you, so will you.

And this is exactly why we need to breathe. Breathing allows us to stop and appreciate the life that was given to us. The life we deserve to live. And teaching yourself to take some time every day to just stop, disconnect and connect with yourself, will allow you to be whole again.

Interesting. I never thought of it that way.

But now that I’ve tried this technique, Im completely drawn to it. How do I keep up and not get lazy and lose sight of myself again?

It’s actually very simple. Upon waking up in the morning or right before you go to bed, take three deep breaths, tell yourself one positive affirmation and then just breathe.

Trust me when I say that you will actually sense a difference in how your day starts or your night ends and it all begins with stealing a few silent moments for yourself.

Now breathing alone may not be enough to find that little peaceful moment. And thats perfectly okay. What works for me may not work for you and that’s when you keep moving forward and finding that one thing that feeds your soul.

Another self-care method is journaling right before bed, during a new moon or a full moon. Write down your thoughts and keep writing until your words just stop coming to you. Once you’re done, close your journal, take a few good deep breaths and allow yourself a good nights sleep. It’s all about the release and letting things go.

Oh and FYI; there are plenty of amazing apps out there that can help you meditate and calm your breathe and they really do work. My two favourites are Calm and Pacifica. (And they’re free).

But now the real question still remains, and you won’t believe how easy it’ll be to answer that question once you’ve mastered the ability to grab control of your own life. One single breathe at a time.

What will you do with your life now that you’ve re-bloomed into this amazing and incredibly strong woman despite the ‘labels’ attached to it?

Will you stop yourself from being successful because someone decided a woman with anxiety or depression can’t do it.

Will you allow someone to tell you how to live your life because you’re just too darn sad. Or will you grab life by its chains and break free?

So many questions, such little time.

Wrong.

So many questions, lots of time to breathe through every single one of them.

Having to answer all of these questions can be quite overwhelming but allowing yourself the time to think about them isn’t. Each second you allow yourself the time to think about how to make yourself a better person is you getting closer to finally discovering who that woman you face everyday in that mirror really is.

And yes, I’m talking to you about you. The you that has been hidden somewhere inside of you and who is finally ready to make an appearance. LET. HER. OUT!!!

And I promise you, the second that you do, you will finally be ridding yourself of all the ‘stigmas’ and ‘labels’ that have been somehow glued to your being and you will finally become at peace with yourself no matter how long it’s taken you to find this newer better version of yourself.

You will learn to embrace your struggles because they are what have helped you become the strong woman that you are today. You will thank your battles, for they have taught you that you are a warrior. And you will accept your inner demons, because they will become your little constant reminders that you are a survivor and that you can do anything you want.

And keep reminding yourself, because life will happen and shit will get in the way, that no matter what comes your way, you can overcome it because it’s really okay to not be okay. And I absolutely love this saying because it holds so much truth for so many people. So go ahead and be sad and heck, why not let yourself cry it out from time to time. I know I do, and it feels so liberating to be able to do so and not allow anyone to judge me for simply feeling.

So go ahead ladies, FEEL THOSE DAMN EMOTIONS!!

Allow yourself to feel and experience all of those crazy forbidden emotions and then when you do decide to let them out, allow happiness to creep right in. It will boggle your mind when you begin to feel all those other amazing feelings and then out of nowhere, all of those other amazing things will start to happen and that’s when you will shine. It won’t be an easy or quick process, but let me tell you ladies, from personal experience, it’s going to be so invigorating and so liberating but most importantly, so fucking empowering.

To know that you have the power to break through those chains and see the light is what will make you a freaking awesome woman. And no stigma or label will stop you from accomplishing and doing what it is that your heart desires. Anxiety, depression, sadness, anger, BRING IT ON! I dare you to face me in the eyes and try and destroy my hopes and dreams. Because they sure as heck won’t. Ladies, it’s okay to not be okay and I am so freaking okay with that.

Don’t let the pain or fear of the unknown stop you from making your dreams come true. Don’t let the stigmas and labels own you. Don’t allow the outside world to crush your dreams, because without those dreams we have nothing to look forward to. We have nothing to excite us. And we have no vision for what we truly want for ourselves.

Those days of I’m sorry you can’t because… are over. It doesn’t mater what medical condition you have, or if you suffer from a mental illness, or if you’re an overworked and tired mom, what matters is how you chose to let all that affect your personal and professional life.

What centres us is knowing that we can stand up and speak up, we can whisper and cry alone and we can shout it out for the entire world to hear.

It’s okay to not be okay ladies and that is okay with me. Because in the end, we are all stronger then stigma and our future as women is finally stigma free one single breathe at a time.

[spotlightsaga]

Kevin Cage of @spotlightsaga REACTS to... Switched At Birth (S05E03) 'Surprise' Airdate: February 14, 2017 Ratings: 0.516 Million :: 0.20 18-49 Demo Share Score: 0.5/10 (Just like their ratings) ***POSSIBLE SPOILERS IN SPIRITED REACTION*** LETS GET THIS OUT OF THE WAY REAL QUICK... AS APPARENTLY THE CONTROVERSY HAS RETURNED... Welcome back, Tank. Lizzy Weiss, the creator and mind behind SAB, created what transpired between Bay & Tank to be purposefully ambiguous just to 'get people talking'. What does that mean? That means that it is unfair that to hold Tank to a standard that he is a rapist, when the show wants it to look like it could go either way. I've mentioned several times, this was a terrible execution in an attempt to 'get people talking', as what it did was just create a lot of fighting and a stigma that just because Bay was the female and intoxicated, that she was the victim, yet Tank was intoxicated too. As I said before, I held the hand of a friend who went through a rape that happened on a big campus by a person who was very high profile. She was even on again off again dating him. His downfall, his inability to to turn it around on my friend and call her the things that so many people on the internet already had? He recorded it and his sick ass kept the video. The public who wanted to see him as a saint because of who he was created websites and forums and public discussions defacing and attacking her character, even saying she was a 'BDSM slut' and wanted this. I can assure you all she did not want to filmed being violently raped. This is a girl who I knew for years, through childhood, through adolescence, through teenage and 20's and now 30'a, and remains to be one of my best friends, a word I do not use loosely. She was brave. She would call me in the middle of the night, sometimes during the day because she couldn't help but read these awful things people were saying about her. Then when it came down to a verdict, he was found guilty.... She could finally reclaim what he attempted to take away from her... But no, he slipped away from the courthouse, just walked right out and for around a year she lived in fear as he walked around this world freely after what he had done... After all the man was a lunatic and running from a hefty sentencing. She went into a catatonic state, she was afraid, she was even afraid for me, calling me from different numbers every few months. Finally he was caught and is now where he belongs, caged like an animal behind cell doors and thick musty walls. This whole storyline, this ambiguous bullshit where people jump to a conclusion and call a man a rapist is BULLSHIT, it's offensive to what my friend went through and it's offensive to any other person, the hundreds of thousands of people who have actually been sexually assaulted, raped, or like me... Molested for over two years by both a male and a female. SO AS YOU SEE THIS IS SOMETHING THAT IM NOT ONLY PASSIONATE ABOUT, I'M MAD AS HELL, BECAUSE THIS IS PERSONAL!!! There was no ambiguity in what happened in my childhood. There was no ambiguity in what happened to my friend just a few feet from a major University campus. If you are under the impression that if someone is drunk or high than they cannot give consent then it applies both ways... But either way, these days I take MDMA or Methylone just to spice up my sex life or may have taken a weird drug or drank alcohol and had a one night stand. These were events, these ARE events that haunt us, I'm still trying to make sense out of what happened to me, what to call it, how to define it... And that started almost 30 years ago. So excuse me if I don't agree that a half assed ambiguous portrayal of two people who were getting fucked up together and woke up and realized that they had sex is anything close to what REAL victims of rape go through. You know what SAB didn't address correctly? People that cry rape to get something... To gain sympathy, to make people forgive them for a mistake that they may have made, for attention, for god knows what... How many rape allegations out there are true? How many are false? And how many of them out there can't be completely sure? If this was shown in a less ambiguous light and was put on for something more than to just 'get people talking' I would take it seriously, but it wasn't. Once again, by the words of Lizzy Weiss this was AMBIGUOUS. Lizzy, you have helped create some groundbreaking tv over the years and brought a much needed light to the deaf community. Switched At Birth has done some great things in and out of the world of television... But take a look at your numbers... You ran this Tank story in the previous season and viewers tuned out in droves, never to tune back in. Just like your half ass attempt at attacking black appropriation without a black voice behind it... This is a travesty to television and poison that drips into our society. I posted a picture of your staff that had not one woman or man of color. You claim there is a woman of color on your writing staff, yet we see no one credited, and I definitely don't see anyone stepping forward and claiming that trash you put out last week. I talked to many women of color that felt like you made a serious issue into a joke, just like this friend of a campus rape victim and a molestation victim myself thinks you made of sexual assaults. Shame on you. Shame on everyone who worked on this series and spread your muddled message. You may aim to 'get people to talk' but all you do is insult the people directly effected by these real issues and FURTHER DIVIDE OUR NATION, OUR WORLD.

[jess-oh]

Reflection

Hello journal!

I did not reach the 10k steps today and fear I am falling behind my friends but I just gotta work harder and catch up tomorrow!

I started choreographing “My God is Powerful” earlier today while waiting for the bus and a bit while waiting for the train and I did feel a little self conscious bc I didn’t want people to think I was crazy but I think I did a pretty good job at keeping myself accountable and just trying not to think about what they thought. I thought about what moves to do to and from work as well! I think I got the majority of it done but there are a still a couple parts I’m a little cautious of that I’m not super happy with. I mostly need a replacement for “powerful” instead of just pointing up all the time. It feels a bit redundant. I’m thinking of doing something else during the verse so it isnt so repetitive? I gotta do some more research but I do want to try and get it done and record it for Jenny by tonight and then keep practicing it tomorrow while also starting on the next song. I want to have at least 2 songs done by Sunday. 3 if I really try. I don’t think I can get all 5 done and be confident in them all and plus, I only have an hour to teach anyway so assuming not every song is super easy to learn, this is going to take a while. I want to figure out how to best teach it to. I think I’m going to do it once fully through with the music and then divide and conquer. We’ll learn one verse/chorus at a time with no music, try just that portion with music, and continue to practice. And then we’ll move onto the next part and do just that portion. And then both pieces together. And continuously add on another piece, bit by bit. I’ve only ever tutored in intimate settings but never taught a class so I am a little nervous but I’m also excited too. While choreographing, I remembered how fun these songs were.

Because I’m really not that close with anyone on the guat team except maybe judy, ive been questioning if i was just delusional. but i was ready a couple old posts and it reminded me of our training days together. they were hard and i dont think we were super close but we definitely got along and i am really blessed that i got to serve with them. 

ive been doing a lot of reflecting too. especially on my commute back home from work today since my earbuds died. and im starting to process how things were my fault as well. i definitely had severe victim mentality before though i’d never admit it. and i did blame other people for my shortcomings a lot instead of looking at my own thought process and personality. i think i’ve said it was my fault too but never really ever took responsibility for it and i should have. i held people to unreasonably high expectations and was really harsh with my rule. probably because thats how i treated myself and i expected everyone to function at the same level when obviously, not everyone was created to be that way. i also thought about james since i had the hardest time getting along with him. i did have a crush on him in middle school and i do really wish i could just take ever saying anything back. and i did look to him a lot for approval our senior year. but i dont think it was bc i had a crush on him again. i think i was just so desperate for his approval bc if he accepted me, that meant everyone else could too. but why was i so afraid to talk to the guys anyway? theyre just people and as human as anyone else. i spent so long fearing that i was too loud or too passionate or praying too hard and it did really stunt my faith bc there was a fear of really letting go. i think sa-rang’s biggest issue is its emphasis on community which is a weird thing to say. bc community is definitely important. but i think it becomes toxic when community becomes more important than being real with God. I spent so long hearing people gossip, constantly, about such stupid things and as a result, I was so scared that there were saying the same things about me. But honestly, who am I to judge bc I gossip all the time too. As much as I hate to admit it, I do vent about other people and point out their flaws bc I’m insecure and it’s so stupid and I’ve made up countless excuses saying that it’s my only way to connect with other people bc thats all they talk about or how i cant tell the different b/w gossiping and venting when in reality, there is no line. it’s the same. i was just being a fool. whenever i vent, im venting to vent and not bc im seeking advice. im venting bc im angry and frustrated and want someone to listen. and thats why this journal is so important. i cant help that im angry sometimes so let me write them in my private journal here instead of spreading negative thoughts and emotions. let me process it and approach the problem with a clear head instead of acting out of rage and emotion. i have a lot of growing to do.

and ive been saying that i think i just need to be so confident in myself that nothing phases me and i no longer feel the need to fit in. but honestly, that fear that i wont fit in is still there and i still really want to. and im afraid that if i am unapologetically me, bc i grew up around people that were super churchgoers, my perspective is different and thus, people wont understand or agree with me. but i do think i would rather be myself and outcasted than trying so hard to fit in and outcasted. bc at the end of the day, the only person that matters is God. and so long as I am being true to Him, it doesn’t matter what anyone else says or feels. If they judge me and ridicule me for pouring my heart out unto God then so be it. I will take it as a sign that I can’t grow spiritually there and leave. But I want to give them the chance. I hope I can influence them into being unafraid and just totally raw and honest. no longer dry. no longer stunted. just so in love with Christ and drowning in His grace. I want to lead by example. I know that God has called me to Lakeview and I’m glad and I think I have started making progress in people’s lives here. But I was also raised in Sa-Rang and I think that’s of some level of importance as well. 

I always feel bad whenever I see other people just being showered in love and praise bc I don’t get that from so many different people. And I know that it’s bc theyve done more than me but I think in adapting that mentality, I tried to reach out to more people for the sake of praise instead of just to genuinely give and serve. And I want to do that instead. i want to get to a place where I can so graciously and willingly and freely give out my time and effort and services without expecting any thanks in return. And honestly, I think I’ve gotten somewhere near there. And it’s a thankless job and definitely sucks but I just need to trust in God, knowing full well that He has seen my efforts and how hard I work and is so proud of me as a result. I always felt like the loose screw at Sa-Rang and always wondered if people were just pitying me whenever they did pay any attention to me. But when I talked to Judy, or Lauren, or even Loren, they seem to actually really like me for me. I’m replaceable, sure. But there’s no one quite like me. With my unique experiences and reactions and lifestyle and choices. I am the most me that will ever and as such, God has a very specific goal in mind for my life. And I am so excited to see what it is as He continues to unveil it to me. Really. I love God with all my heart and I know that I stumble in my faith sometimes and worry too much on what’s currently in front of me but He is undoubtedly real as He is shown me time and time again. Nothing will ever bring me such immediate peace as He has given me. Nothing will ever feel like His heart and love for His children, in such unbearable pain. I felt it. It was so heavy but He is so unashamed of His children and really loves each of them so dearly and so very much. And I’m hoping to continue to spread that message to anyone who needs to hear it.

[soulfulfrequency-blog]

I don’t know whether or not you were serious tonight when you said settled for Priscilla. If that is what you truly think, goodbye. I am a strong woman, who has literally trembled in pain in every aspect of the word to crawl out of the depths of hell to be able to thoroughly see even a shimmer of light. I held onto that shimmer and day by day started cleaning my Windows to let more light in. I learn something new about myself every day, somedays i don’t like what i see, what i was and in those moments, i see my strength, i choose not to avoid pain or carry it any longer and the lights in my eyes get dim at times when the pain carves through me i can feel it cracking at my rib cage. not for long i choose to no longer sit in it though i call my sponsor right away and talk about it before i allow the whirlwind to take me, it exhaust me at times. I ask for helping in understanding, i sometimes think so deeply then i overthink thinking deeply. I used to be afraid of the dark only light i seen in the dark was the flick of my lighter lighting my crack pipe and only silver spoon i had was the one to mix my heroin. I’ve been homeless, I’ve seen the depths, id given my soul away freely for drugs because i hated the person i once became I’m learning to accept everything ive done to myself. My life my inner being deserves to be forgived so i forgive myself. I learned when praying to God for forgiveness what im really doing is learning to accept it as it is and forgiveness comes  I’m not looking at you like some quick fix, someone to validate me. I like sharing my vibrant energy with you. when i look at you i see hope i see strength i see a beautiful being, an intellectual with character a strong man who is afraid to admit he feels pain. Fuck when you say your depressed and its ok im good. I want to drop what im doing and give you a hug, no i can’t save you from yourself only you can do that. What i can do is be there to help you get up when you feel weak. When your ready to grab my hand and allow me too help you i will be there. i want to share my smile and my passion with you. , i want to help build you up, and kiss you. I.won’t say this to you, yo i have that fear of rejection though i recognize ive already died a thousand deaths, I’m so smitten by you. The way my name falls from your lips, your laugh, your voice, the way your smile curls, the lines in your hands, your shoulders, how you say what you mean and mean what you say, your walk, your simple goid morning text, how you share with me the music you like. Its all simple, i like it, i like you, my only wish is for you to be wholesome in your being. I believe in you so much i know your capable of accomplishing all your goals and i want to be there to push you, to witness it, to feel alive with you. Ive had 2 boyfriends in my life that i just settled for it was all surface shit. What they could get out of me and my mom told me they would suck the life out of me i always felt it, suppressed it though so i settled. I usually have all these expectations, with you i havr none i really just want to be there for you. i look at you in the purist light, i get so much joy from seeing you, holding my hand in yours. Your presence your existence your  being  electricfies me, i am so raw around you I’m completely shameless. I want to laugh with you i want to cry with you, i want to lay my head on your shoulder when im tired, and my eyes need to rest for a while. I want to lay my head on your chest to hear the rhythm of your heart beat. Cuddle you and help you feel warm when the cold parts of your past come up. I want to kiss you like the sun kisses my skin.

[deeeknows]

HOHOHHOOOHOHO you returned hello friends! Same rules as always i provided the Important partS for the skimmers but im also not apologizing for the length anymore. Let me hear you thoughts ON THE BLOG AND NOT IM MY MESSAGE INBOX XD.

June 21

the longest day in the year came and it sure felt like it. most of my day i was frustrated so that tells me a thing or two about myself. but my day started with the talk about picking weeds but that didnt happen instead we did pictures for the children all day. then i came back home and the lesson came. i listened to J. Coles verse http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6atNwE-uOfE&t=7m14s on the documentary and had a great discussion about this with the baby fathers chat…. no we is not baby fathers. And no we are not plotting on you young women in the chat. they helped me work through alot of what he was saying in that we listen to the music differently just being christians. Important part people can be lead astray if they aren’t developed christians and founded in the truth. their idea of what christianity is looks like a temporary thing and not needed in the long term but instead helped the people in the days of old but now we might need something new to help the people who are having a struggle understanding the intentions of what the bible is trying to communicate. in addition its frustrating because i knew this was coming from the talks of the 2 Timothy 3. This has been a new way for me to think about music in general since its such an integral part of my life. The thats going to be my next personal study. in addition i was completely frustrated at VBS not because it was a bad day or the kids did a bad job but it started with the parents. And how they could teach their children to hate and be complete unashamed and not give a second thought the view of certain people was not only disgusting but almost pushed me over the edge. Important part i want to stay this fired up at injustice but need to find a way to convert my passion to love and not anger. I also made a resume and cover letter shout out Kalane.

June 22

while every day this week i felt like i knew when God was going to pull out the sunday school crafts and make me learn something this thursday was not the same. I was so ready to talk to take notes when we rode in brother Jeff’s car today because those cross the city rides i really have been known to catch a gem riding with my hand out the window. but it wasnt until Kenny made his way into our car at 3 an hour before we got “off”. Kenny gets in the car heated about whats going on in his community and how things arent going right. Kenny works closely with Brother Jeff in 10:12 sports with the kids but stays in the projects right across the street from a “newly opened” rec center. the frustration came from the communities exclusion from what they thought was a glimmer of light for them. the center technically opened monday but only is available to the children below the age of 5 who are enrolled in the summer camp there. Important part what was supposed to give the community an outlet for jobs, support for kids, and escape from a depressing reality at home is being forfeited because many of the kids are “two old” and too far down the path at this point so they are throwing out the whole bunch. to think the problem area in these communities were the ages 13-21 and to hear that the city is going to give them a way out. so you pull out you political boots and start getting about 6500 community petition signatures and they actually build the thing. just to find out the community wont be getting access to it in the heat of the summer and talking to the mayor of the city just to hear them tell you they “will see”, or that “they will look into it, send me an email” is extremely disheartening. especially for kenny who was out there preaching hope to these youth and their parents just to be told later. the exploitation and lack of urgency pains me and the city. the longer these kids are stuck in these pissy stairwells the faster their will for “a future” deteriorates. but after we go back to take him home and the kids all run out to greet him i can see the power 1 man has who refuses to let his light be put out even the darkness is all so much easier to live in.

then i went to dinner with my family group and we talked about understanding poverty and what different types looked like. keep your eyes peeled for the rules of operation because what doesnt seem like anything to you can actually cost you more than a black eye. Important part dont forget the only way to address these generational curses of poverty and situational poverty alike is through relationships. people need to know that you care. they dont need solutions. the reason they are telling you is not for you meet their need. do them the justice of addressing their spirit not just their need. my favorite quote from dinner was that the only way you will not be in poverty any of these resource areas is when you have a community like the church in acts freely giving and supporting one another.

June 23

And then it was Friday. I was so anxious for today before it even started I was ready to get it jumping. Every morning we have prayer I haven’t been talking that much about but don’t get me wrong it’s not a waste of my time at all. I still have my reservations about the group aspect but Important part there hasn’t been a bad morning and or day yet because I believe in the power of setting time aside to do God before getting into anything else that I might consider important. But I was geeked to get up and go to Red Emma’s after brother Jeff, Leslie, and I rode past it yesterday. but when i get in there my brain starts racing. not only is it a place of love but its a place right off north Ave and right in the middle of the art district. this was an area many people dedicated to a no judgement zone and a place where all are welcome. but what i wanted to study is what a christian environment would look like under this philosophy. they served the community and provided a space where the thirsty are given free drink and the hungry are fed. a space where all are welcome and given the liberty to be who they want to be. Important part but what i cant figure out is if that would be a good space for a church. to let people walk all over it and do whatever inside its walls. i want to say yes but i also hold such a high standard to how a church should be maintained. with their single open door bathroom policy and allowing people to “loiter” as they wait for the bus gave me a hope and a vision maybe that id have a service like that one day. where id host community outreach meetings. sell books in our library. sell food and drink and if we’re lucky and it’s on a corner as busy as red emmas ill call it sabbath or something corny. where id anoint the chairs every morning and id hire the homeless to assist me in being my prayer warriors of the city. but who knows maybe this is all just a fantasy to me. June 24 my day started like 3 times before i got fed up and time stopped moving backwards so i went on my first run. I didnt get dropped off because I ran by myself so no one could leave me in the dust and my tears. After we got back around to the city we started our bible study which slightly aggravated the kid because we went backwards to study Nehemiah again. but this time we looked at it from a different lens. Important part what i couldnt get over was how passionate he was and prideful about a people group he knew he belonged to but had never been to visit, see, or experience. but he was not only upset at their state of living up also prayed and fasted when he heard the news of the shameful city. but it didnt stop there. this man dropped everything he was doing because he saw a life better for them then the one they were living. keeping this simple we wanted to come into baltimore the way he did, not looking to turn the city from jerusalem to nehemiahville. but to empower those living and working there. the jews, nobles, priest, and everyone in between. it seemed like he also wanted something from them before he could give them what he wanted to give them. he wanted their help as well as their knowledge. literally this man has never built a wall before and someone is going to have to help him out. Important part thats how i want to be always seeking to learn the culture of the place im visiting and getting into. i never wanna feel like i have it right and others need to be like me. when infact thats not the case on this side at all. things were good after that. then I went to latino fest. and it was people watching central. la musica y la cultura fue incredible. i really felt bad because all i wanted to do was walk back and forth between the stages and listen to the live bands play and watch the folks dance but it seemed i was more interested than my counter parts. its okay tho they i halfway like doing life alone better. i videotaped some strangers for the road and spent hours trying to differentiate between which dances were salsa, bachata, and Merengue but i might need a little more help with that later. On the bus ride home my friends all decided they wanted to ditch Darius and make him walk home alone while they went to get frozen cups. One day they will like me. June 25

im getting used to starting my sunday with the farmers market. i dont know what ima do once i get home. mannnnn plus its only been my second sunday here. i walked less and knew exactly how i wanted to spend my morning, with a chocolate chip cookie. I pulled out my book as i sat right down and started doing what i do best, reading both folks and pages. i read through The Reason for God i wanted to give the people what i have and things are starting to look forward. then i went to service and we spoke about the person who was missing. in our spaces and even from the church. how what we look like and imagine heaven to be isnt what God has planned. there are going to be folks who we would have never placed there and how we can do that even in our church spaces. just to make things more bareable to the people we want to worship our God with . Important part we can say and do things to shape Gods people into our will and that is dangerous. People are made in Gods image and do not need correcting. to end my day i spent big time talking to Nao and in the park. Sabbath was a time for rest but while i was resting the city was hurting as well. i witnessed a man be almost stabbed in the street so there is still work left to be done in baltimore. im just glad God is here using me to provide a safe space for those around me.

June 26

I feel like my day took forever to get started but once it did I was cool. Editing photos for hours on end sucked the first 8 hours down the drain then it was time for the neighborhood association meeting. 6 o clock came whether I was ready or not. I actually never thought I’d end up at once of these community neighborhood watch association meetings especially after seeing them on tv and the boondocks and laughing along about how comical the whole situation is. But that was far from the case or intention of this meeting. The councilmen came and heard the immediate needs of the people and pretty much told everyone be patient and send me an email and I’ll get back to you. Between this man and the police officer they grilled I honestly Marvel at how they spun the same response with such patience with these people bringing systemic issues to their neighborhood officer from squatters, to prostitution, to education reform this man was supposed to answer them all. But this is really why I could never find myself at one of these meetings. After pouring out their hearts to the councilmen and him orchestrating who to contact to get the needs met he leaves and the meeting should be over here. Instead they continue to address their concerns with the officer asking his opinion on how to communicate with the kids and how to avoid getting robbed for the next hour and change. This isn’t a bad thing to get advice but the officer in my opinion made it very clear that he didn’t have answers that they were looking for, And that by playing his part and communicating with the association that the job would get done. But they weren’t taking this answer. They needed more. His “solution” was not going to help them stop the terrorizing happening on their streets and right in front of their homes. The desperation in the voices was heart breaking because as a spectator of this meeting and a spectator of this community I know that exactly the kind of searching for protection they were doing can only be provided by our Lord and Savior. Important part By trying to fill the God sized void in Baltimore with the agents of change that knew they were inadequate to grant change burned me on the inside. I was stuck between standing up and screaming yah gotta stop going around in circles what you’re doing is wrong is clearly fundamentally wrong. The answer is Jesus. But that couldn’t be received from me and I can’t tell if it’s because I wanted to use the cop out of “I want to just pray for the community and that’ll be doing enough” or if I was too selfish to put myself out there as an unashamed disciple of the gospel. I don’t know and it is always easy to see from your perspective but it’s harder to watch.

June 27

And it started my day with more photos and edits but then we made a trip to MND. Where we worked as a volunteer to help the guests with their resumes and things. After our trip back I saw the city and went through west Baltimore. Accidentally. My younger brother Lestle wanted to go for a trip and so we missed our stop and went for a nice little trip. The navy line took us all the way to Mondawmin mall. Which if you don’t know was one of the inciting points of the Baltimore riots in 2015. Reliving for a short time before heading home helped to really put what the community was feeling into perspective. Between the school Douglas, the mall, and the poor communities around it hurts to see what’s “the machine” distrust can do to a group of people. As relationships aren’t getting much better in these neighborhoods there is hope for others to possibly move in and change the climates of these areas. But who would want to move right next to a mall and bus depot and one of the underperforming high schools in Baltimore. Doesn’t sound too appealing at first glance. Or ever. Important part But what I see is a people in need for God and who are crying out for help. How much longer will we allow our pride and self righteousness prohibit us from being Gods instruments of change. What I noticed from the ride actually the neighborhoods leading up to mindoman mall are growing communities and not just hoods. There is hope. Some have caught to Gods vision while others are still working to it . now we just need some labors to get it off the ground

Yeah so i made it 2 weeks and im sad because it almost over and i feel like i havent learned enough. And im getting one of those feeling when God is about to tell me something i dont wanna hear so maybe we just pause this whole BUP thing until i have time to learn everything and then do what Jesus will have me do with the rest of my life. XD. you knew this blog needed at least one. Important part My last impressions would be this learning is not an arrived place and anyone can learn from a teacher, but what can you learn from a boarded up home? My challenge would be to tell you mother twice a day with at least 3 hours in between that you love her! And im thankful for all the responses to my last question you guys are smarter than me. This question would i need an answer ASAP. the city smells in some places. What can i do to make these city streets more enjoyable for everyone walking them?