#im literally just venting about an ex so YA | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

merlinmarvelandother-oneshots · 5 months

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Hey, I saw you had request open and I was hoping to put in one, IL keep it short, I just got out of a bad relationship and I'm healing and was hoping you could possibly write about how underTale, underFell, UnderSwap, and HorrorTale (dreamtale to if you are ok with that one) would act if there love or friend just got out of a bad relationship with their ex. Sorry if you don't do these, but I'm just throwing this out there. Please ignore if you aren't intrested and have a good day.

i hope you’re doing well anon <3

undertale, underfell, underswap amd horrortale skelebros (Ft. Dream!Sans) with a reader who’s just gotten out of a bad relationship

(a/n: had this one in the drafts for months and i just wanted to get it published so i skipped out on Nightmare. so sorry this took so long, i hope you’re doing well anon! anyway, im hoping to get back into the writing groove. we’ll see how this goes.)

undertale:

sans:

-“hey, i’m sorry… c’mere.”

-he would engulf you in a hug, if you’re okay with hugs

-while he’s happy you’ve gotten out of a bad relationship, he’s still sad with what you had to go through.

-he’ll make puns to cheer you up, however many it takes.

-he for sure takes you out to eat at grillby’s.

-he’s there to be a listener, a shoulder to cry on, and someone to go to whenever you’re feeling particularly down.

papyrus:

-“a BAD relationship? human, why didn’t you tell me earlier?”

-he’s so sad. his best friend? being in an unhappy relationship? WITHOUT telling him? he’s distraught.

-he cooks for you breakfast, lunch, and dinner.

-he does literally everything in his power to make you happy

-it doesn’t matter what time it is. you call him, he’ll come.

-he’d do anything to see you smile

Underfell

Sans:

-“about damn time you left that douche,” he grumbled.

-“Red, not the time.”

-he rolled his eyelights.

-“fine, fine. whatever.”

-his face turned a little softer.

-“anything i can do for ya?”

-he would do a lot. he’d complain about it the whole time, but if you asked, chances are he’d do it.

Papyrus:

-his eyes narrowed.

-“you say they mistreated you?”

-he sighs when you nod.

-“alright, come inside.”

-he moved out of the door frame so you can enter. he gestures towards his couch.

-“sit down. i’ll make you some tea.”

-he comes back a few minutes later with tea for you both. he seems slightly annoyed when you blow on it, despite it being scalding hot.

-he’d listen to anything you wanted to say to him about it.

-after that, you never see your ex again…. strange, they lived very close to you…

-oh, well.

Underswap

Sans:

-“a bad relationship, you say? why didn’t you tell me sooner?”

-he listens to you, anything you want to cent

-he gives his best advice on how to not end up in a situation like that again

Papyrus:

-“want me to beat ‘im up for ya?” he would jokingly ask.

-but he’d do it for real, if you wanted him to.

-he’d drag you onto his couch and watch all your favorite movies with you until you both fell asleep.

-he’ll provide you with all your favorite snacks.

-he’d stay up late with you while you cried, and do his best to comfort you.

-he has shockingly good advice.

Horrortale:

Sans:

-he seems taken aback.

-you weren’t happy in your relationship? this whole time?

-that hole in his head affected him more than he initially thought. he couldn’t even tell his best friend was struggling.

-he’d feel super guilty about that.

-you’d also have to hold him back by his good to keep him from charging after your ex.

-after he finally calmed from his anger, he’d be there, open arms and willing to help.

Papyrus:

-“i see. come inside.”

-definitely cooking all of your favorite foods for you, listening while you vent and cry.

-he doesn’t have much advice, but he does his best.

-offers for you to stay the night (or as long as you want).

-he does his best to cheer you up, even with his physical limitations.

Dreamtale:

Sans:

-he freezes.

-how had he never noticed?

-suddenly, everything clicked for him. the way he had been sensing more and more negativity from you since you and your ex had gotten together. how you always brushed the topic off, saying it was work or family matter.

-the way you had pushed him away.

-he snapped himself back to reality, offering for you to come inside.

-obviously it didn’t take him long to cheer you up. it took longer to heal, but he’ll make this right for you.

#undertale x reader #sans x reader #papyrus x reader #underfell sans x reader #underfell papyrus x reader #underswap sans x reader #underswap papyrus x reader #horrortale papyrus x reader #horrortale sans x reader #dream sans x reader

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cruelsister-moved2 · 3 years

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(vent, im a lesbian) you know, since I've been living with my bestfriend (she's hetero) I can see up close things happening in direct time you know what I mean, like it's not like we now have to meet up to catch up. So, I've seen her recovering from her break up with her ex and moving on. She's now seeing a guy, nothing serious. Anyways all this explanation just to tell you that I've been feeling really sad and jealous. Idk it's just i wish I could have the same ease as her and other fellow heterosexuals to navigate dating (I know they have their own complications too) and seeing her in the span of 4 months since her break up and this new guy my feelings of loneliness have been eating me up, because I'm just thinking "I wish"... I just need to put me out there too if I want to meet people so l who am I to talk ya know? Conclusion, I know it's been said a lot that when we least expect it (love) it will happen, so im holding onto those words. Sorry for the troubles.

im so sorry to hear you feel like that! lesbian loneliness is very real and I completely understand. it's really normal to feel behind your straight friends in this stuff because unless you live in certain specific areas it's almost impossible to sustain the level of ur average heterosexual serial monogamist. even the lesbians I know who are more outgoing and connected, it's so normal to go multiple years without dating anyone.

do you have any lesbian friends irl? i find that is the best cure for lesbian loneliness, honestly i was lonelier when i was in a relationship and didnt know any lesbians than when i was single and had other lesbians to talk to 😭 having both is great, but I feel like a lot of the real root of the sadness is feeling like the world is passing you by and everyone is having connections you can't have, rather than just that ur desperate to have someone to sleep in bed with at night. in my experience the platonic relationships you can have with other lesbians (and lgbts in general) are stronger and more valuable than any heterosexual romance.

also like. I don't want to sound smug or like I'm putting down ur friend. but lesbian love is genuinely like... unparalleled. when you find the right person it's going to feel worth more than all the boyfriends your friend has ever had put together. i completely empathise with your perspective from my teenage years but from my current perspective the idea of looking at any heterosexual relationship with envy is literally laughable to me😭 you don't want that, I promise you don't want that, it's just hard to know that right now when you dont have anything else to compare to.

this is gonna make me sound like an asshole, but honestly I think the best way to feel better is to notice the things about your friend's relationship that you don't want. if youre living together then thats an even better opportunity to notice the downsides and not just the upsides. you'll feel a lot better if you can find it in your heart to be a little judgemental and find reasons you're grateful not to be in that relationship!!

and with love, I think the thing is that you can't force someone to be the right person when they're not. you can't do anything but wait for the right person. maybe you can try meeting more people in the hopes of finding them sooner, but that's really the only control you have. the main difference in people who seem to be prolific daters is that either they're trying to force it with people who arent right, or they're just happy to be casually involved with other people while they wait.

personally I'm not interested in that, so I would remind myself that while yes I want to be in love, I'm not actually envious of other people who are also not in love and handling it differently. if you are interested in casual dating though I wish you luck with that as well and in that case it really is just about putting yourself out there!!💜

#ask #anon #long post #so many other ppl are in your same situation dw like it's really normal

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bisluthq · 3 years

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this is like really random but i have to vent. so basically i’m 20 years old and in my second-year at a uk university. and like i had the worst first-year of my life, made no friends, and got long covid plus really bad depression so yeah it wasn’t great. and now im back at uni i just am really feeling my lack of experience. iv never even properly kissed anyone let alone had sex and all the drinking games etc revolve around sex. i’m pretty sure i’m bi just like based on what i masturbate to but i’v only ever looked at guys as potential relationships. i just like don’t know how to navigate the social world with no friends and no sexual experience, it just feels impossible. and all my friends from home (1 of which is at uni with me) have boyfriends or at least have had sex. and also clubbing feels totally revolved around sex and kissing. it’s really hard to admit to people that i’m a virgin because people assume i’m a prude or a weirdo when i’m not i just haven’t really had the opportunity. i’m just feeling like such a loser atm. oh aaaand i actually really want a boyfriend rn.

Firstly, this is totally normal and nothing to be ashamed of. There’s no timeline for these things.

Secondly, so this is going to be a long winded Agony AuNat but sometimes I think my best ones are. In a way, this reminds me of a friend I had like 20-21 at uni. Basically we became friends because I caught her forum role playing and I was like “lmaoooo I used to do that too!” and we like bonded over it and like very quickly I began realizing that she did it on the kinds of sites me and my online friends laughed at because they weren’t ⚡️aesthetic⚡️ or sexy. Like this was some high fantasy bullshit lol - no offense also cool - on like ProBoards when we were already in the Jcink era. Anyway no biggie. This girl - a horse girl at 20 still and not in the rich bitch way - proceeded to like… idolize me and obvi y’all know how much I like attention so I loved it. And one night she asked me for advice on how to get kissed because she had been like… really wanting to lose her virginity but things just weren’t happening. I proceeded to give the worst advice ever because I too was just a young un. I said “don’t worry it’s gonna happen for you!!! Like I’m sure your crush likes you!! Don’t stress you’re so pretty and sweet!” And I believed I was saying the right stuff and it comforted her ngl so I was like 👏🏻👏🏻 go Nat you’re the best at giving advice.

Except here’s the problem - it still wasn’t happening. She was going to parties with me and I was like dressing her sluttier like some weird teen romcom movie where I was giving her a makeover and like… no one was biting.

And then - for those who remember the Nat Cinematic Universe - it turned out that rando from my 21st who I randomly fucked? Ya dudes that was her crush lol and she hadn’t told me because she thought I’d figure it out lol and she was mad at me and we sorta stayed friends until I fucked that guy’s friend which was nbd to anyone involved because my bestie fucked him and tbh I fancied the friend because he was this average sized weedy dark haired boy who was very weird looking and she exploded at me and called me a slut and shit and that was that, friendship over.

Unsure what happened next, but the reason I’ve given you this backstory is from my current POV I gave extremely bad advice so I’m gonna try correct with you tonight.

Unless you’re in high school when friends of friends can go between people and say you have a crush, and then you text them and like bam you’re exclusive, you have to work to get ass or make friends. Okay the other exception is if you’re like SUPER hot idk about that life, but tbh probs even then. Life isn’t a teen movie, and you’re not gonna just catch someone’s eye and that’ll be that. Dressing nicely might be part of it, doing your hair and makeup in whatever style you want, and making it clear up front - especially at uni when imo branding™️ matters a lot - what your interests are and such shit all factor in. I’m not saying change who you are because again that’s supremely bad advice: figure out who you are. Figure out what you want to wear (experiment!), who you want to talk to (strike up convos on campus!), what you like doing (try things out!) and - most importantly - what you’re comfortable with. Try drinking - and if you don’t like it, don’t do it. Try flirting - and if you don’t like it, know that you can go from friends to this and not everyone enjoys that. Try clubbing - and if you don’t like it, know that there are a ton of societies you can join on campus and campus events you can go to that don’t revolve around that, so seek those out and find your tribe.

Fundamentally, college is what you make of it.

Which means that like unfortunately my dude, you’ll make a fool of yourself. Probably more than once.

But know that friends won’t manifest and boys won’t manifest unless you make an effort and put yourself out there. Ask people to coffee. Ask people to the pub. Girls, boys, enbies, whoever.

Re the anxiety about “never having done this before” - I think that’s totally normal. But also like lots of other people haven’t and everyone has had a first time. In drinking games you can lie lol. You don’t need to advertise it’s your first time for anything if you’re uncomfortable with it. I didn’t tell my first kiss he was my first kiss lol because it was unnecessary info for him tbh (it wasn’t hs boyfriend even tho I’m pretty sure I was his lol but he was my third 😌).

But you also don’t need to be shy about it because honestly 2nd year uni is so fucking young. It’s not like you’re coming to me as a 40 year old virgin and asking for advice (again no timeline but I’m not there yet so maybe not the right person to give it). Most of the people you’re hanging out with haven’t had a ton of sexual experience either lmao. On my 20th birthday I had been with exactly two people, my Angel boyfriend (in hindsight) hs ex and the Rabbi’s son (literally no one’s Angel boyfriend but hopefully he and his tiny dick are married now and Mazels if so) who I fucked a few days after we broke up to prove a point. I was a bad lay (and remain so with guys unless they’re into The Hiddles Experience, not for lack of opportunities, but because we don’t have to master all things). I also - unlike you - had never masturbated. I’d never had an orgasm. I liked sex with hs ex but couldn’t explain what I liked or why, it was just fun sometimes and other times it wasn’t. (In hindsight with clit action it was fun and with pure thrusting it wasn’t). So the fact that you have wanked already gives you a head start over many of the girls guys will be meeting.

So like… figure out what’s comfortable for you. Try different things out. Walk away when you don’t like it. Never do stuff that goes against your values. Don’t be overly shy in ways that wind up making you uncomfortable, like with the story that started this, and don’t expect these things to happen if you make no effort. That applies to friendships and ass alike. And sometimes what you think will be ass will turn into friendships and sometimes what you think will be friendship will turn into more. Let it. That’s what uni’s for.

Final point: try reduce the pressure of having a boyfriend. It’s fine if it happens, but since as you say you’re not a prude, it’s fine if it doesn’t. It will eventually. Try go into encounters with the open mindedness of “this could be ass, this could be friendship, this could be more” and like clear eyes full hearts can’t lose tbh.

Final final point: join societies. Join all the societies. The best way to both get ass and make friends and make friends discussing the ass you’re getting is by joining societies.

Good luck, hope this helped, love you lots and enjoy this year and the next (and beyond if you choose Honours or postgrad).

#agony aunat

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wyrddog · 5 years

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final thoughts till i shut up for more months and continue my healing;

-they also made a post that sounded like they became aware of my ex posts, that someone told them i was vent posting abt them-- which is entirely hypocritical because if you dont want me seeing your shit for the one fucking time that i did just now, then maybe dont have ya lil followers hanging around, looking at my shit, and sending it to you, maybe you need to assert the fucking boundary with them to not send you that shit, unless yall just sit around and circle jerk yourself to the resentment you hold or some shit

-they said something along the lines of “some of my ex’s and ex bestfriend deserved the shit that happened to them” ...you literally sexually assaulted me you sociopathic fuck. go. to. fucking. therapy/ it’s not NORMAL to use SEX to OVER POWER PEOPLE, YOU CREEPY ASS FUCK.

-i realized exactly what happened w/ the whole black people and the n word thing-- two different things got combined and i got blamed for it, basically, i told them about how my BROTHER acts black and justifies saying the n word because HE thinks he’s hood enough to do it and his black friends dont care or whatever excuse-- and then they combined that piece of knowledge with when we were hanging out with a roommate we had for a second, in the car, going to aldis, and they were listening to some spiderman rap or something and justified singing along and identifying w/ the music because they were jewish and apparently to them black people and jewish people face the same hardships.

these ENTIRELY sepreate events that i’m only barely involed in somehow got combined and somehow I got blamed for it. the only reason you came up w/ this shit is because you’ve abstractified me SO MUCH in your mind that you can’t even see me as a progressive person anymore, im whatever you decide to fucking label me as.

and its really cute that you pretend so hard that you DIDN’T encourage a lot of whatever dumb shit i would do in general, i would go to you for fucking validation that some things were alright to do, it was obvious that i was unsure about things and you just didn’t care you were just like “whatever” so now you can call me terrible because you didn’t even fucking say anything. whenever i got cancelled on tumblr for my old posts, you BACKED ME UP, YOU WERE ON MY FUCKING SIDE. ITS C U T E that you want to fucking pretend you were as pure as you think of yourself so you can posture yourself above me. it’s really fucking cute babe. and to act like i was crying about people being mad about what i said??? i could give a fuck and i knew they were justified in being upset, i was upset that these people couldn’t fucking understand that the social climate of that time period (2011+) was entirely fucking different and NO ONE had an issue w/ me saying shit back then, otherwise on EVERY post i made back then i would’ve gotten backlash. it wasn’t until i drew that picture w/ kendrick lamar lyrics probably around 2013? that people corrected me and i eventually took it down. i had NO IDEA any of the remaining posts from my marble hornets days were still back there because i admit! i was shittily problematic-- by TODAYS standards. and i’ve since changed and grown-- hence the reason there were NONE (0) POSTS after that fucking point w/ the slur in it. so PLEASE, fuck off, stop being disingenous, stop misinterpreting me, stop playing dumb so you can be the eternal fucking victim. just fucking stop.

also, as an end note-- i’ve made literally no direct posts about you in a fat minute. the only shit i’ve made is about my own healing and realizing all the manipulative shit you’ve done to me and drawing comparisons between you and a narcissist because this is what my THERAPIST advises so i stop demonizing myself (something you instilled) and start realizing the shit you did to me. the only other posts i’ve made are meme-y and darkish humor because im trying to laugh about it now, im trying to make myself feel better about it now. its clear to me i was never someone you loved but someone to watch, get close to, and eventually tear down. fuck you and fuck off.

#THE END.#NOW YOU CAN REST IN PEACE MY GOOD BITCH #NOW YOU CAN SPEW ALL THE BULLSHIT YOU FUCKING WANT #IM SURE YOU WILL COME UP WITH SOME OTHER FUCKING LIE TO SMEAR ME AGAIN #ex #finale

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creative-poptart · 5 years

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Oof hi, I saw that your asks were open so I decided to come bug you. Can I have an imagine of the ut, uf skeles comforting a friend/crush bc her girlfriend brokeup with her and maybe they see their chance to confess and there's cutesy fluff?? Hi sorry, im pansexual and need help. Sorry if I broke any rules! It doesn't have to be long, don't stress baby!

Sure thing honey! No rules have been broken, but again, thank you for the concern!

UT Sans/Vanilla: Tears are always a bit of an unsettling sight for him, especially on such a pretty friendly face like yours. He’s quick to rush over and make sure that you’re okay, get you set up with something warm to drink and let you talk it out with him. He’s also quick to take up the “treat yo self” mentality and allows you to indulge a bit on some things to calm you down, though he won’t let you go absolutely crazy. When you mention that you were just broken up with, his soul is going nuts and he wants to confess to you right then and there. However, Vanilla also recognizes that you’re really upset about this and now might not be the best time to bring up his own feelings. He doesn’t want to end up as a rebound, nor does he want you to feel like that’s all it is. Vanilla’s gonna try to win you over fair and square, without pressing his luck too much. For now, he’s going to make sure that you get over your break up in a way that doesn’t leave you too broken into pieces. Once you start to get your metaphorical feet back under you, he’s going to start to drop some hints though, and he’s not going to give in for quite some time.

“hey hey hey, it’s gonna be alright. don’t worry about them for now, just focus on what you’ve got right in front of you and we can work through this together.”

UT Papyrus/Creampuff: The minute you show up at his house crying, there is nothing else on his mind other than to get you to feel better about whatever has made you sad. You’re quite literally yanked inside, thrown carefully on the couch, and commanded not to move until he gets back. Creampuff will tear apart the house to get everything he thinks he needs to make you feel better, even going out into his little garden and cutting you a fresh bouquet of flowers. Once all his things are in place, then you may talk about it, and he will listen with utmost attention. He never really like the idea of you dating someone like that anyway, but he won’t comment on anything until you are done venting your woes to him in the first place. Creampuff is quick to try and build you back up, telling you that you’re almost as great as he is, listing your accomplishments, and somehow getting you to smile through the tears. His genuine, honest comments about who you are as a person are pretty uplifting, even if you feel like utter crap. In the midst of his ranting about your greatness, he drops a line saying that there’s no way he could have fallen for someone who was less than great, which makes both of you stop completely. He... wasn’t planning on this??? Creampuff’s improvised confession manages to shock you out of your funk, but now both of you are a mess. There’s good things up ahead though, just watch.

“IT WAS NOT IN MY PLAN TO LET YOU KNOW OF MY DEEP AND COMPLICATED FEELINGS FOR YOU LIKE THIS, BUT... I ONLY SPOKE THE TRUTH IN WHAT I SAID, REST ASSURED!”

UF Sans/Red: The fastest way to get this guy to reconsider his attempts to not murder people is to have you showing up somewhere with a tear-streaked face and looking extremely upset. It’ll take a minute for him to recollect himself and refocus, but once he gets there, he’s all ears, metaphorically speaking. While he’s no good at providing you any form of comfort, he can give you someone to talk to about your problems, stars knows he wished he had the same thing. He’ll sit quietly and let you talk while throwing in the occasional snarky comment about your now-ex, arms folded over his chest. Red wants to go over and beat up your ex for breaking your heart, but at the same time, now he has a shot at being yours, so he’s very conflicted. For the moment, he decides not to hunt them down, and instead sticks around with you until you’re at least a little better. He won’t make any comments about what he feels for you right now, as he can’t quite trust what he wants to say about that yet, but you will notice that he’s a bit more touch-prone with you and quick to be at your defense.

“there ain’t no reason f’r them t’be like that at all, an’ it’s stupid. ya shouldn’t linger on it too long, ‘r it’ll start hurtin’ ya more than it hurts them. best t’keep goin’.”

UF Papyrus/Fell: Who in the hell can think about confessing emotions when you’re upset and crying?!? Not Fell, that’s for sure. He’s even worse than Red when it comes to comfort, as he’s a suck-it-up kind of guy. However, he does know that people appreciate it if he lets them speak instead of him trying to talk over them when they are having an emotional breakdown. He’s quick to read some things about giving other people comfort on his phone, then does his best to implement them with you, albeit very stiffly and awkwardly. While he’s trying his best, you do start to feel a little better, because it’s comical to see him so out of his element and fumbling. When you’re all finished speaking, he goes into a complete tirade on how horrid your ex was and how they deserve to go die in a hole for leaving you so abruptly. Fell doesn’t beat around the bush with people he cares about, and so he tells you straight up how he feels about your ex while carefully omitting what he thinks of you. It’s surprisingly helpful to hear a blatant and blunt explanation of what your ex did wrong, and you feel better by the time you leave. Fell hasn’t given up on winning you over though, so he’ll start to bring out the best he has to offer in order to show up your ex.

“WITH ALL DUE RESPECT, THEY ARE WORTHLESS TRASH AT YOUR FEET AND YOU SHOULD HAVE NOTHING TO DO WITH THEM ANY LONGER! HOW DARE THEY TREAT THEIR DATEMATE IN SUCH A MANNER, AND YOU SHOULD CUT EVERYTHING OFF FROM THEM!”

#undertale imagines #undertale papyrus #undertale sans #undertale headcanons #undertale #underfell papyrus #underfell sans #underfell #poptartasks #tarts answers

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lizzodorito · 5 years

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quick vent

because i legit have no where else to put this sort of feeling and just.. writing it in a book or a doc just... isnt as cathartic. Hope this just fades into the void, please dont bother reading it.

Hey. screw proper grammar and spelling I just need to get thihis out.

my name is liz and hoenstly fuck this website because last time i actively used it for something other than mandolorian memes or sims mods/cc my ex boyfriend was fucking stalking me on it and catfishing me and comfort me by sending me those ask lists and i... i dunno if im over that. Fuck you Sven.

not the point, just wha t I have to think about every single damned time I find myself here no matter what.

I am so lonely. I dont have many friends at all and the ones I do are out to use me or not Get Into It with me, thouhg fair because im a shit load of a lot to deal with i guess. other friends i have are pretty backstabbing and they refuse to properly grow up and LIVE and THINK FOR OTHERS AND ALSO THINK FOR THEMSELVES WITHOUT IT HAVING TO BE DEFINED BY HOW PROUDLY TERRIBLE THEIR MENTAL HEALTH IS FUCK

And then i get shit for it

love being used guys hell yaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaah no i dont i hate it so much literally when was the last time anyone loved me right outside of my family and even so its not like my parents treat me well. mother you may have improved drastically, but similar to my self esteem, its still very much BELOW PAR and i hate having to witness both.

I am so lonely.

I go so long without saying any word sometimes, its a wonder i stil breath, although sometimes when i was young id forget to.

why is it that i get more depressed when i come back to the family home

does anyone else understand being family oriented to a family that really for the majority doesn’t treat you the same?

The voice in my head wont stop. it wont stop telling me all the ways i have potentially fucked my budding friendships with my new friends isha and matt

how am i a person who shares so little yet so much

BUT MY LORD THANK YOU these are people who... who are considerate and are processing what i am saying and are thinking of me

but how fucked up am i

and will that push them away

im often distasteful but all the same complex and layered and so useful and so interesting

and that’s why often enough it seems people dont put in the effort, or frankly, dont give a shit about me once i requrie effort, though their “care” for me beofre then was only for their own benefit.

im exhausted

One of my best internet friends was raped and i was the one who revealed that to her and she just didnt realize it yet and i havent been able to fall asleep without thinking about it

i have needed to cry for over a week now and i haVent gotten to still i am so sad i am SO SAD

I am so charming yet cannot help being alone no matter how enjoyable i am for others to have around

Matt

He makes me question if im asexual

But I am only a human

porbably deifntieyl still asexual

but too much all the same

Im just lonely and touch starved probably (more than usual to be clear) and want to be hugged and loved and he’s so smart and we talk for hoours and comfortably, for me, occupy eachothers’ space we talk for

hours.

this is becoming poetry.

I feel like i am beginning to sound like a hobo johnson broken record

stop being poetic fuck off liz

he;s so

I havent been hopeful like this in people for a long time

we went to a museum to support isha (she had to do a project that invovled socializing so ya know the inrovert crew (though i dont know fi matt considers himself one)) and we just were togeter (in rather close proximinity) just speaking in accents, partly hoping to excite the strangers crowding everywhere about “foriegners” being here at the exhibit... but i think it was mostly just for us. for our fun

because voices is what we like to do

i love voice acitng

he committed to it, i fell out of it more times than he did and he gets more specific with accents than i do

he likes what i do

he loves the characters and my many talents

he loves my writing

he wants me to join his dnd campaign over the summer with his friends

is it for me?

does he want... me

or just my character maggie that everyone loves

he wants me to join the campign he’s in npw with his friends, as he’s a player character and not a dm as he would be over the summer

he doesn’t quite get how lonely i am

i worry i made him and isha uncomfortable last night... i joked about actually being loved properly

he immediately looked at me strange, me not realizing the joke was taken as truth

“Liz, is there something you need to talk about?”

“Oh! Oh, well, um...” hi i come from an abusive family and you both dont realize how much it meant to me that you wanted me to come and are consitently telling me and thanking me for coming because... you’re telling me im good company and its been so long since i have had real friends or gone out with friends and ACTUALLY FULLY AND COMPLTELY HAD A GOOD TIME OH MY GOSH YOU DONT EVEN KNOW I AM SO SHY ABOUT ALL OF THIS BECAUSE HOLY FUCK I CANT EVEN ASK HOW I BECAME SUCH A BASKET CASE BECAUSE I ALREADY KNOW I ALRWADY KNOW I ALREADY KOW I ALRADY KNOW AND I HAVENT’ GOTTEN TO REALLY TELL ANYONE IN SO LONG WITHOUT THEM LEAVING ME

its been so long since ive been understood by a peer

(hi my name is liz and i am weepign right now)

“No, not yet at least.”

*isha laughs and it joined by matt soon. I’m smiling comfortably. I genuinely have a soft, contented hope i might get to tell them at least some of it one day.*

“not yet at least! sorry matt you have to be at least a level 4 friend to learn the tragic backstory”

thank you isha for lightening the mood

thank you for making the joke so many people who gave less than a fuck about me got offeneded at and confused when i made it so often years ago.

my comment was laughed off, we continued to watch the critical role espidoe i had missed

soon it was just matt and i. isha was to bed.

just him and i, and i, like id been all night (concious but making the decision to pipe down and trust the people around me), was all curled up, very relaxed and off my posture, sinking into the couch. MAtt was always upright ish. sometimes hed sink a bit or rest his hips on their side curl a little rest his head, but not as intesely as i did

sometimes he’d scoot closer to me, sometimes hed scoot away. sometimes hed move his legs so our knees would touch. i dont mind (not because i was finding it romantic, im not twelve, i just am understadning of the small situation we are in and its a knee for crying out loud) i wonder if i was taking up too much space with the way i’d sit comfortaly. I wonder if he thought so.

i would be lying if i said i didnt imagine us actually having contact with eachother. cuddling platonically.. on multiple occassions.

I have an imagination that thinks of everything and so many scenarios all at once and all the time after all

i was comfortable with the idea but

it would be a bigger lie to say i wasnt absolutely and perfectly content wiht the way it did go.

i dont thiink i will ever know if he was comofrtable on that couch or more so if it was me he was comfortable or uncomfrtoable with.

I will respect him to tell me.

he;s good at eyecontact and its comfrotable enoguh where i dont have to look away (it’s been a problem i never used to have recently)

I’d peek up at him when he’d talk to me

i felt young again

when the stream was over he got up to leave.

i dont know if we daudled. dawdled? yep thats the word

i dont know if we did

we made small talk

shitty jokes that he declared wouldn’t be the last thing we said to eachother that evening

i agreed.

the last words that night were goodnights.

me with my raspy evening voice from a day full of talking and him with a look over the shoulder from the hall as the door closed behind him

he was obviosuly very slap happy sleepy as he was talking about the light not being too bright in the hall (to his happiness)

it was a nice night

when was the last time i went to bed so happy? thanking God over and over and praying for my friend i mention way earlier

i didnt even have to drown my insomnia with a youtube video

i just went to sleep

2 am

i hope the weather continues

- jaques cruzio, pink panther

now im just in bed

at the family home

not my dorm

fighting my depression (its been three hours, i was getting exhausted by 9:30 due to it) as i rest

i was curled in a ball, slumped and face planted, arms slumped when i decided i need to talk to someone, or say something mroe than what i vented to my little sister (small bits about how lonely i feel and how i worry ive fucked things up) hours ago

and here we are

12:14 am

just some broken twenty something asexual with a mind that’s usually over sixty talking about the amazing people i met two weeks ago while in the background i think about the girl i used to be the boss of (online moderator work) and how she’s essentially in love with her idea of me and how i make her feel... and not just for me.

i am mysterious and cool and smart and hot and talented and useful to her.

I want to be complex and dedicated and helpful and pretty and so skilled and hardworking and wanted for me.

i want to be considered and deserving and im hoping that isha, matt and my other two roommates can help start to fill that hole in my life

because, God, so far they have so much potential for it in my eyes

(so far)

thanks for listening, void.

actually feeling quite a bit better. the misery is still lingering, i wonder if i should cry more. But, i can breathe easier and my eyes dont feel dead. I just am tired and am prepared to enjoy things again.

proabbly will watch claire from BA make jelly beans.

or the Noel Miller guy isha told me about.

I dont know if it’s appropriate if i downloaded matt’s contact into my phone from when isha put us both in a groupchat together and i hope its not weird and i hope maybe he did the same, but by God i dont think i’ll be texting him first.

i like in person better.

with anyone.

always have

i have so much more on my mind

#me

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true-autistic-tales · 3 years

Text

welcome back to me reviewing and ranking my almost completely dead hyperfixation, ive left a link to my previous post if this is your first time seeing this but whateves, onto the first half of season 6 under da cut (>人<)

unbraceable you

still no subtitles fuucc- of course, like they always somehow do, they come back to school late, this time, a full week late but aside from that, axl finally wins against mike, brick attempts to find a new bag, and sue finally gets her braces off by bing-bong. this is the first time sue declares that this year, her senior year, will be the year of sue. also i like how brick finds his new bag in a literal dumpster and keeps it.

"where were you?"

"at the dontist."

the loneliest locker

the homos steals the hecks stuff for their house, brick finds his old loud baby toys, sue and brad start a play and the heck parents get second jobs for sue. sue literally creates a mary sue with a overly tragic background, i love it. much like the don't text and drive song, i absolutely love the loneliest locker play, sue and brad look like the wiggles. i really love sue, she dreams of going to all these colleges but if were to stress any of her parents, she wouldn't go. good episode, top of da list.

major anxiety

brick wants to get popular, axl doesn't pick his major until the last second, and sue goes insane with coffee. i love axl taking the kickin' it teen style online test, just so ya know, that's a real website you can go on but it's really inactive like woah. okay episode below the loneliest locker.

"it was so much easier when i wanted to be a fireman or a superhero. god, i wish i was still 17."

the table

OH NO OUR TABLE- frankie accidentally gets a miniature table for her and mike's anniversary while, axtch (axl x hutch) needs roomies cuz of rent, darrin gets sue a necklace, symbolizing their love but finds out that darrin's ex and mother had that exact same necklace, and brick starts a front podcast for his only fan, jimmy kimmel. i love how frankie and mike bond over the tiny table, it's adorable. three adorable couples in this episode, amazing, above major anxiety.

"you're not trying to facetime the president, are you?"

halloween 5

brick "hangs out" with his new friend, cindy, sue hosts a halloween movie night for her collage fund, and axl studies but accidentally gets locked inside the public library. i absolutely love love love all of axl's scenes stuck in the library, he starts talking to a bust of uh some history dude and vents to it. i also really enjoyed sue and that old dude watching charlie brown together, it's a really nice moment. good episode, above the table.

the sinkhole

the heck's stink broke, sue might not even get to graduate because of dumb shit and has to do tink babit's pe class, and brick and axl gets themselves into a pickle. the death napkin makes its first and last on screen appearance. i kinda love sue finally completing tink's weird ass sport. above unbraceable you.

"oh, im sorry, i didn't know you wanted to DIE."

thanksgiving 6

after all the shit that happened to their house, the hecks decide to spend thanksgiving at king henry's (food place), while sue wonders if mike hates darrin, frankie invites a female version of axl to thanksgiving, and also brick takes cindy to eat so i guess they're a thing now. i really love the snowball fight scene, they're all having fun, it's nice but i don't really enjoy what they're doing with axl's and devin's chemistry at the moment. below the sinkhole.

the college tour

mike takes sue to a bunch of collage tours, axl does a sport thing and frankie hangs out with him, and brick gets help from ruth, chuck, and brad, to finish his school project. i love how that annoying "super-pancake-daddy" turned into an emotional moment for mike, he makes a good point about how you should savor the moment because in notime itll be gone. and the talk mike has with sue is so cute aaawww. good episode with a really lovely ending, above the sinkhole.

the christmas wall

the hecks get an artificial tree, boss co. start a christmas business but end up fighting because of the land of misfit toys, and brick becomes interested in the christmas cards they get. i absolutely love how the gays get so genuinely upset over whether or not king moonracer is a toy. i don't understand why everybody is emotional about frankie enjoying christmas in her own way, she's allowed to celebrate it however she wants and i understand why she would want it like this, holidays are stressful. i love the ending so much, mike tells frankie that he never really celebrated christmas until he met her, and she decides to go all out on christmas stuff just for mike, that's adorable. finally a christmas episode that doesn't have the family strangling each other. i love this one, top of the list so far.

"tell us your decision!"

"we need an answer!"

"no! i don't want to!"

"if you don't, we will white wash you!"

pam freakin' staggs

i lied when i said pam didn't appear on screen till season 9, forgive me for i have sinned. anyway, pam staggs from that toenail episode comes to town and hangs out with frankie, sue practices the oboe to help her get into college, and axl attempts his best to get devin to date him. pam literally fecking licks mike on his neck what the fec- okay episode, below unbraceable you.

a quarry story

big mike and axl try to fix their stink, regular mike gives sue a job at his work, brick hyperfixates on game shows, and frankie works at ehlert's for a bit again so she can get her check. i love the accidental quarry party and how mike walks down to said party, he's so fecking terrifying. imma just go on a rant for a bit because it would have been the perfect opportunity to put bob weaver in another episode, frankie literally works at her old job, where she used to work with him, for the episode and he isn't showed or referenced at all! literally the closest thing we got was the whiteboard that is always there still has his last name on it but im pretty sure frankie still has her name on it too and no one really cares about it. it would have been so perfect and it was 2014, i don't think chris kattan was busy with anything around that time but im just an angry little homo so i dunno. but side from that, above the table.

hecks on a train

aunt edie unfortunately passes away and in her will she wanted to be buried next to her husband in south dakota, so the hecks go on a train to say goodbye to her one last time. axl is genuinely sad about aunt edie and it's nice, this whole episode is nice. above the sinkhole.

ranks so fart

another mediocre beginning to a season, still a lot of fun stuff and every so often there's an great episode but not as amazing as the past seasons, im sorry to say.

12. pam freakin' staggs

11. unbraceable you

10. thanksgiving 6

9. the college tour

8. the sinkhole

7. hecks on a train

6. major anxiety

5. the table

4. a quarry story

3. halloween 5

2. the loneliest locker

1. the christmas wall

#the middle #ranking

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flower-boy-roxanne · 4 years

Text

hey!

im dirk! this is my personal intro post & it includes triggers specific to me, so PLEASE PLEASE tag your own posts with cws for my content triggs if you follow me!!! with that in mind, read the entire thing, please <3

( system dni & info located on our art blog )

about

full name is dirk roxanne strider, as a quick explanation for my url :3

i use she/they pronouns and identify as demimale! my headspace body is intersex

ABSOLUTELY NO REFERRING TO ME BY HE/HIM I WILL SCREAM

i age-slide! about 15-25

i also age-regress, typically as a response to stress and/or trauma but it can also be a result of excess affection, babying/patronizing me (which i actually dont mind much but if you do it just to make me regress we’re gonna have a problem bud), etc.

i go by dirkie when im age-regressed!! if you see me posting during those times please refer to me by that name and try to be extra nice. if i was stress-/trauma-triggered into regression i may be very emotionally sensitive. i prefer to be talked to like a little kid/baby too and i may talk very childishly (unnecessary word pluralizing, wrong verb tenses, w’s in place of l’s and r’s, easily excited, etc.)

i pet-regress into a cat mindset due to a very particular situation in the past. i will absolutely not discuss it here and im not afraid to get an aggressive/violent protector up to roast your ass if you repeatedly pester me about it. like seriously dude you dont actually wanna know anyways

NEITHER OF THESE ARE S-XUAL THINGS FOR THE LOVE OF G O D . we dont support “““s-xual””” agere because that isnt and shouldnt be a thing its fucking disgusting please let me regress without ppl thinking its s-x roleplay in peace—ITS NOT I AM IN THE LITERAL FUCKING MINDSET OF A LITERAL FUCKING CHILD. thank you <3

i have severe exotrauma. all my posts discussing it will be tagged #dirk talks trauma, feel free to block it. i also try to appropriately cw/tw tag them (i use the term tw only but its just because including both drains my spoons)

that said, dont! ask me! about! my trauma! directly! I WILL TALK ABOUT IT WHEN I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT!!!

not only is our body autistic but i was autistic in my canon!! just a fun fact :3

i try to avoid using :) emoticons and prefer :D, :3, and the like. idk ive just had a fair share of experiences where its used in a (jokingly, usually!!) creepy/threatening context so it doesnt read well to me

please dont dm me without asking!!! ive got some of the worst anxiety & paranoia in this system, plus ive got a small bit of trauma relating to unsolicited dms

asks are always okay though :3!! so long as youre not bein a dickhead ya know? anon is off tho for comfort n trauma reasons, sorry about that

(if you want me to answer your ask privately just tell me!! i might accidentally be a fuckin idiot n post it publicly tho, just a fair warning)

i somewhat suspect myself of ocd, but i havent had the spoons to do enough research for confirmation

I AM VERY BAD AT READING TONE. please tag things /j, /lh, /s, etc. so i know you arent genuinely trying to be a dick to me

(may be added to)

my tags

#dirk.txt — regular text post

#dirk.png — art/edit post

#dirk.jpg — shitpost, memes, otherwise non-artistic images

#dirk.mp3 — original song lyrics, voice recordings

#dirk.pdf — creative writing post, infodumps, ideas

#dirk.gif / #dirk.mp4 — gifs, videos

#dirk talks trauma — discussion of my exotrauma, including vents

#dirk updates — quick notices about the blog, my personal life, or anything that may have impact on blog interaction (that of myself or other users)

#little flower — the post was made while i was age-regressed

#catnip flowers — the post was made while i was pet-regressed

(may be added to)

blacklist

(catchall cw tag is #flower boy dont look! i feel like dirk dont look might be an already used tag for some people hgsfcjj :'))

ANYTHING relevant to inc-st, p-dophilia, r-pe, ab-se, or isolation (tags: #incest, #incest mention, #pedophilia, #pedophilia mention, #rape, #rape mention, #abuse, #abuse mention, #isolation, #isolation mention)

the word “selfcest”

using he/him pronouns for me and/or implying that im a fem gender for using she/her

not exactly a trigger but i might act weird or cautious around alpha dave fictives & kins, nothing personal (technically) just trauma

making jokes about abandonment or death without joke tagging (though it still makes me VERY uncomfortable & anxious!!!)

discussion about breakups and/or exes in terms of a romantic/s-xual relationship (tags: #breakup, #breakup mention, #exes, #exes mention)

treating me like an object or subhuman, joking or not. just dont

using particularly harsh insults for me even as a joke—ie dumbfuck, wh-re, shitbag. im ok w being called a dumbass n bitch n stuff but only in a joking context!! if you want to know any other boundaries on that just shoot me an ask my dude. also dont call me slurs :(

the idea that fiction doesnt affect reality (points at myself then at my str-d-rc-st exotrauma. bitch)

i know its legit a part of my url but PLEASE dont call me roxanne unless we’re close!! it makes me uncomfy when strangers/acquaintances use my mid name for me :(

implying or stating that im guilttripping. my spirals, emotional outbursts, etc are almost always trauma responses. saying im guilttripping in itself when im actually in severe emotional distress is a trigger to my trauma with our exes. i have very little power over my spirals and often struggle in dealing with situations that are newer to me, emotionally and otherwise. i am not guilttripping, im acting on a trauma response.

if you put words into my mouth or twist what i say i guarantee you furorem will judoflip you. we have trauma with being lied about and intentionally misinterpreted too, thanks.

(may be added to)

thanks for reading!! have a fuckin fantastic day, yall

#intro post #pinned post #info #blacklist #trigger list #about #important #?? fuckin TAGS my GOD

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disappolntment · 4 years

Text

undeveloped thoughts until a new psych don’t crucify me

actually don’t even read this I’m venting and it’s probably victim playing because I don’t think I’m going through a hard time ever apparently

gd my mum bitches about my little sister like she isn’t in the room with us

I want to be supportive and validating to them both because I see both sides

It’s just a bad position to be in. I love them both a lot but it happens every day and instead of her dealing with it she just yells at me about it and then acts like it doesn’t exist and my little sister doesn’t have any consequences but honestly the only person my sister treats like this is my mum?

Regardless a kid doesn’t understand?? They’re just getting yelled at

but I’m trying to get into a new psych, deal with my eczema and get back into uni/life and friendship circles

I can’t fix ur parenting for you

or mediate for you anymore and I’m asking you to stop but you’re still taking and I’m still giving but I’m a fucking pushover for people I love

I’ve been doing it my whole life. I didn’t know I had emotions until the age of fucking 21 because the only time you’d give me any form of attention was when you were crying about my dad (fuck yeah toxic behaviour I probably mimicked but my dad was also a narcissist so :) :) :) I have self professed daddy issues don’t I just have a fucking target on my head)

(raised to think now feel later tbh which is why I was so fucking dumb when trusting the first boy I slipped into bed with YIKES IM A DUMBASS LMAO he was a complete stranger in hindsight but I trusted brea’s input and honestly I think I was just connected to her? Not her fault lovely human who went through a lot also even if she hates me lmao)

Find your own fucking voice of reason REGARDLESS MUM

She doesn’t even listen to advice and just talks over me all of the time? infuriating. I asked her yesterday if she was going through a difficult time lately and she told me no? She is having the best time everything is going really well for her etc she is really excited about life and the business

She genuinely is on top of the moon every single day. But the only things she speaks to me about: her emotional baggage. stress. this needs to be a double ended stick. to get support you need to give it. because The way Annabelle talks to you is the least of my issues when I have split personalities induced by psychosis. (My own fault. I’m an adult. I’m not blaming her).

When I black out for 3 days straight and don’t remember the last 3 years of my life...

I need a hospital.

I need a good psychiatrist and I’m in a position where I am PHYSICALLY unable to get it.

I don’t need to hear your emotional baggage.

I’m going through a hard time right now and I can’t give mundane support to people.

I’m so selfish though?

deal with your own shit IM BEING AN ACTIVE LISTENER and giving you decent support and you aren’t even asking me how my day is in return.

I do it because I love you but I fucking can’t even love myself right now please stop doing this if you don’t 100% need it? I’m only one person. This is just stupid.

everything is genuinely my fault coming down from losing reeya (especially because she heavily sided with my ex after validating the abuse but tbh I think I treated her like trash so I kinda understand and that genuinely is her decision I hope she is doing well now and we have both grown idk it was probably for the best I’m so self destructive all of the time which isn’t tight in friendships but ya girls first relationship her fucking dad died in it I’m not a miracle working despite putting on a brave face. Again not her fault she had no responsibility by me at all this is a general observation

I’m not a psychologist so I don’t know who did who wrong especially after reading the messages she and joe exchanged?? But I was always acting how I felt and being honest and he was just guilt tripping me and making me feel bad about my concerns and lack of support idk how fucked up are large groups of people heavily addicted to weed and in denial about it)

(Actually in hindsight she did side with him and: It’s just so unsettling that my ex never spoke to me about the way he was feeling only to my support networks lol? Narcissist. He would always SHIT talk everybody he had ever encountered he hates everybody except the friends sexually assaulting me on a regular basis and thinks everybody is doing him wrong and I was the only reason he probably still has friends or a brother and am currently in a position where he can make his own life. bet they all fucking dropped off the face of the earth when you stopped having a hot girlfriend they could actively fondle and you to deny it. But then again prolly not y’all all into younger girls anyway??? Actively pursuing 17 yos is still a fucking crime :) :) sex fuelled perverts )

And having to admit to myself my ex actually is trash and all of these people I was convinced were lovely and good for me weren’t actually. All of these little things are coming back and genuinely no friends should be hearing them when they do? Because it did happen two months ago and I should be over it.

fuck yeah the incredible anxiety in public (only around men) I physically can’t control HAS BEEN REAL AND SOMETHING I haven’t had to deal with in so long

I literally

Just

Shut down

I can’t breathe

But I’m fucking dealing with it in a healthy manner I don’t need anybody to act sorry for me I need long term support and I don’t get that from my family SO IM FUCKING DEALING WITH IT. IT ISNT MY FRIENDS ISSUE.

but here I am playing victim because my issues aren’t even that bad 👈👈😎 and I’m okay being alive when I’m tending to my plants dog and video games

this past year has been hell on earth (I didn’t even know I was going through a hard time honestly #gaslighting) and I have a hard time creating new support networks which is fine because we are also working on thaaaaat I’m just venting Rn. I’m pleased to report I have a lovely group of friends that took me out and dropped me off at a party during PEAK SOCIAL ANXIETY I COULDNT GO ANYWHERE WITHOUT HOLDING EITHER SAMS OR JAYDES HAND they’re fucking lovely and I forget I have mental issues around them they’re actually fucking phenomenal

REGARDLESS I needed to vent a little so that continues:

yes, I can help you

but no, you aren’t getting help

********* I shouldnt need to be having emotional outbursts 24/7 for people to acknowledge they’re effecting me or I’m going through a hard time. I’m not like that!!!! I should just be able to tell them my boundaries and conveye WHATS going on and them recognise and respect me *********

If I’m being a little bitch isn’t that the point of talking about it? fucking hurt my feelings I don’t care it’s PRODUCTIVE even if you fucking need time to like sit on them I’m so understanding WHATEVER THE FUCK YOU NEED I KNOW IT CAN BE ROUGH

“Sorry” just fucking guiltrips people without change

But it also prevents you from making meaningful connections with people if you refuse to change.

(Have fun being your dad dumbass xx)

DO WRONG? ITS GOING TO BE CONFRONTED IF I LOVE YOU BECAUSE I WANT THE BEST FOR YOU AND in turn us. Stop being a bitch about it.

But I can’t even say that with complete conviction nowadays especially in the company of people after my last relationship and my ex best friend because my reactions were mine in all of it and I did lose reeya. Objectively speaking I must have been shit because reeya isn’t a dumb person?

still haven’t told my shit psych about any of this because he is cracking onto my mum and me

And actively telling me I can’t pursue uni or any goals I bring to the table. Always cuts me off when I wish to vent.

Stress

all because I saw his face today and he acted happy to see me which is a fucking lie because that man does not have a single ounce of empathy and that’s still so apparent because all he does is fuck freshly 18-19 yo’s and bitch to my loved ones how much he misses me like lmao you never even established a bond with me I was just a trophy. but anyway he has never actually apologised or attempted to rectify any of his mistakes the only thing he has ever said to me was shit like “*fake tear* you hate me” “you just want to fuck him” (I HAVE SUCH A LOW SEX DRIVE IM ALMOST POSITIVE IM ASEXUAL I DONT WANT TO FUCK ANYBODY UNLESS IM OBSESSED WITH THEM AND I WOULD TELL HIM THIS AND HE WOULD ALWAYS TELL ME IM LYING OR IMPLY IT IM JUST TRYING TO FUCKING ACCURATELY EXPRESS MYSELF AND YOURE GUILT TRIPPING ME) “I look shit (my dad literally just died and the entire Italian family is downstairs arguing about the funeral and shit talking me to my face and I’m crying about it and the only things he says is that. I yelled at him constructive things like: it probably wasn’t the time for that I just needed support for a little while?? I felt bad and started comforting him because I loved him and him being happy made me feel better.)”

Occasionally when he was drunk “I’m the best” NARCISSISTS

Such a fucking victim playing narcissist (and his brother does it too to this poor girl named Phoenix??? But she is leaving soon if Mitch doesn’t decide following in his big brothers footsteps, fucking people younger than his little brother, is detrimental. I hope they get off drugs and spend time away from mitchs family. I’m always torn between sending her a message to establish an “sos” contact in the area but Sam still lives there so that’s comforting? But also not really because that environment is not good for Sam to be in. Torn.)

You weren’t the one cheated on buddy. You weren’t the one gaslit. You weren’t the one who lost their dad and family and had no support other than “I hate myself”.

You got an angry reaction. You did something shit.

Also;

Yes, that man in public is interesting.

Yes, I am having human conversation with him and am learning things.

Yes, I am denying his advances.

No, I clearly don’t want to fuck him. He knows I have a boyfriend. You are POSSESSIVE AND TOXIC AND IN COMPLETE DENIAL ABOUT IT. I DONT CHEAT ON PEOPLE AND IVE NEVER CHEATED ON ANYBODY. I GREW UP WITNESSING THE EFFECTS IT HAD ON MY FUCKING MUM. STOP TAKING A MALE HAVING A CONVERSATION WITH YOUR HOT GIRLFRIEND AS AN EGO JAB. FUCKWIT.

YOURE EXACTLY LIKE YOUR FUCKING DAD THAT EVEN TRIED THE EMOTIONAL ABUSE ON ME IN HINDSIGHT

You. Are. Definition of shit buddy.

I told you everything and was made to feel emotionless? I literally gave you all of my emotions. Im so dumbbbb.

You had them.

Fuck you.

My emotional responses were so skewed because you GASLIT ME.

Trash is the human that gaslights a girl losing; her dad to cancer and entire family to the ordeal.

Trash is the human that says he wants to love and support a girl going through shit like that, and believes his victim playing/self deprecating ‘issues’ are bigger than hers.

You aren’t caring because you financially supported bringing me along for your life style so you can show me off?

Closure is just something I have to live without in both regards though. Which is shit because I genuinely want to grow from fucking up that friendship with reeya?? But also I’m so mad she took my ex’s side. Like... take no side at all if you can’t make a decision.

Both people could be equal parts the problem. It’s a fucking breakup.

I think I’m mad and guilty because I let joe use all of my support networks to validate himself.... but only after they validated me.

“Do better than your parents”

But I don’t understand if I should be angry or guilty over that entire ordeal?? Because I understand clouded judgement during that time and going through your own shit and hating me during that time I was a fucking DUMBASS and a sympathiser to somebody negatively effecting me “because he has done so much for me” (it should be a thankless fucking task I gave him the opportunity to leave before this entire thing I sat him down in his dorm room and said stuff in my home life is about to get rough I don’t know how I’m going to react. I’m prepared to break things off for the time being are you positive you’re prepared to do this with me it’s genuinely okay if you aren’t.)

(All in all: acknowledging so many mistakes I made like not reacting to a lot of things and giving people the benefit of the doubt; anyway I’m actively trying to correct them and it’s difficult in this environment because my families issues are mineeeeeeee B) B) B) BUT ALSO GIVING MYSELF TO PEOPLE STRAIGHT AWAY and now I have to relearn boundaries which is fucking TIGHT)

I wish them both the best regardless.

I probably did fuck it all up.

But like they’d ever tell me? Like I’ll ever get their side.

I genuinely didn’t mean to hurt anybody and was only trying to keep the peace in every regard because that’s genuinely how I was raised

But I just didn’t know that’s actually detrimental? Like people pleasing and shit (I’m growing all over again and realigning my moral compass)

So confusing because I never used to be a people pleaser with my friendship groups or anything like that.

I feel like I just unlearnt all of the information and dialogue I worked really hard trying to secure in a relationship :) I can’t even cope with my mum bitching about my little sister without having a mental breakdown now.

it’s all coming up milhouse-

my dog is fat (he got into the giant food bag like twice and almost flipped his stomach but instead put on about 50kgs so now I’m the owner of a fat Labrador) and dog aggressive now when other dogs try and hump him (it’s very weird for renny he is usually very patient but there’s a new puppy in the family so he is kinda over being the rest dummy I think)

I’m just going to invest my time into fatass and see what happens

I don’t know what I need or who to get advice from but I’m sick of joe always being in my environment nd if people don’t let me run anyway soon prolly gna neck because everybody I love sympathises with him so much which is so confusing for me it’s like people are going to fucking validate my emotions (which means fuck all now???) and also sympathise with my fucking abuser (which also needs to be validated by a psych because this is just beyond my support networks and me anyway)

👈👈😎

but alas here covid is so I can’t run away which isn’t an answer anyway but at least then maybe I can focus on myself for a day without everybody I love abandoning me

I’m a massive victim have pitty on me I hope things look up with this new psych and they don’t just convince me I’m playing victim too but invalidating everything I say. but it’s for the best because I think I get greedy when people give me a platform when I need intense emotional support (sorry you had to deal with any of this reeya)

fuck yeah

cant even blame my mum for guilt tripping me into accepting help from my ex while on holidays it’s my fault I was in that position!!!! because I’m a shit person who genuinely deserves to be alone for the shit she has done!!!! and her mother’s issues have always been hers!!!! But I just wanted to make everybody happy and you kept reassuring me it was okay!!!!!

so fuck everybody that thinks I’m a horrible person right off the bat when men are capable of making their own decisions especially when I’m giving them all of the facts???? Fuck victim players!!!!

AGAIN DONT CRUCIFY ME THESE ARE ALL UNDERDEVELOPED BECAUSE IVE HAD NO GUIDANCE AND STRUGGLE WITH INTENSE MEMORY LOSS THE PAST 3 YEARS ALL I CAN DOCUMENT IS THE WAY I FEEL AND IM SEEing A PSYCH SOON ALL I Can do in the meantime is treat the people in my current circle with respect but I’m struggling and need my family to support me emotionally a little without invalidating me? But I can’t dump all of my shit on them consistently because fuck this level of emotional baggage on anybody other than a psych or myself lmao

But that’s okay because people will never understand how the individual feels and it genuinely is up to me to deal with my own shit.

#mine

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bulimistxfreak · 5 years

Text

super personal vent

ignore if you want

im so sad, i have no one to talk to so ima just vent here and pretend at least 1 person cares, but recently my parents started to make plans for their retirement and that they’re waiting for me and my sister to finish our education but i don’t even know when that will happen bc I’ve given up on that, and my parents being super strict about school don’t even care about me going to a 4yr anymore, like they literally think I’m a failure like I just know it. they tell me how I’m 19 and I’m a woman now and i need to be independent and grow up and do things on my own but it’s so fucking hard to do any of that when I’ve spent a greater part of my life with mental illness that I don’t know how to do anything for myself, idk how to adult and grow up idk what to do with myself like I’ve never prepared for this bc my whole life I thought I’ll die before I was even 18. I didn’t even see life past the day I was living, so a future was not something I ever thought about. my family doesn’t understand this, even if I were to explain everything but to them I’m just a joke. this is just a “phase” I’m just being over dramatic, and it’s so exhausting because I’m not lazy, I’m not mean, I’m not a homebody, I’m not any of that! I’m depressed as fuck, always suicidal, have super bad anxiety (social+generalized)[i hate that they don’t understand the severity of it too] my ocd is getting worse, I’m fucking traumatized by people touching me yes that means my family and they just think I’m being cold or mean by not wanting to hug them when I’m just not comfortable with anyone touching me. I have this eating disorder that’s tearing me apart, no I can’t sleep at night because of my phone it’s called insomnia!!!! i stay up all night and think about how fuckinf great it would be to kill myself and how I will do it!!!! some nights I can’t even think of sleep bc my anxiety is so bad!!!!! I cry every night!!!!!!and hey I can’t blame u for not noticing bc I do fake everything and again I don’t expect them to read my mind, in a way this is also my fault... but I’m like this bc I’m so closed off now. when my parents first found out about my depression/self harm/problems I was 16, I had alcohol poisoning and needed to get sent to the hospital from school. after this both my parents tried to change their habits of treating me bad, and trying to be there for me and at certain points I was comfortable enough to share my feelings with my mom especially when me and ex had broken up, but after I moved away to college I just felt like I needed to just shut up about everything bc of these expectations they have about me, they both thought that I was happy and that I was doing okay and I didn’t want to disappoint them anymore. so from that point on I just began to fake everything. I would always tell myself I do drugs for fun, and at times I do(like mdma) but I recently reazlied that I just use bc I’m sad. I used to be addicted to xans when I was 14-16 and I relied on them heavily bc it took away time from my day of being sad and feeling feelings. I’ve been feeling so dissociated by everyone and everything around me, I don’t think of anything. I think I use drugs so I can just get out of the mindset of my own... if that makes sense? like u know how ur not urself when ur on something, that’s what I like about drugs... is that I get away from my lifeless body and my mind and although I feel dissociated with myself already, it’s like idk i can’t really explain it. but life is just so draining, like I said I spent most of my life with mental illness and trying to function as an adult in the real world is already hard but how am I supposed to function when I couldn’t even as a child? or a teenager? how do u even do that? when I still have so much more problems (even way more) than I did before? I don’t even want to go back to therapy bc even though I want someone to deeply care about me and be so concerned, I don’t want to get okay. I don’t even think I ever will be okay, like I don’t want to stay alive and I don’t want to jeopardize not dying before the age I intend to

by getting help from people who can interfere. i hold comfort with me only knowing what’s wrong and no one knowing, because I know if I do tell someone everything that’s wrong and ya maybe they’ll give advice and say I should get help but they have their own lives and there’s only so much they can do and say before they forget about me wanting to off myself. I hold so many secrets in me. even when I would tell my best friend everything, I hardly say anything anymore... im just so tired of this life... I don’t want to continue feeling like this. I’ve completely given up on my life. I’m so worthless it’s pathetic, I used to belive that everyone has a purpose in life wether that be small or big but I just know that I have absolutely no purpose, no meaning to live, not important to anyone, my life is not worth anything. and I finally accepted this.

#superpersonal #fuckitanyways #Illbegonesoon

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