#im never getting over jean and neil ever actually

[kevindavidday]

'remember that next time you think you aren't worth saving' does neil know how many lives he's changed

[lovefromremus]

AFTG Headcanon Series [1] Andrew

hi everybody! a new series im doing which is basically complying loads of random headcanons on characters! this first part is Andrew!

part 1, part 2

Andrew's favourite colour is green. Not necessarily grass green, or even sage green, but a deep darker green. Kind of like the colour of leaves deep in the forest. The colour is calming, and he often finds himself leaning towards the colour in various different items - jumpers, mugs etc

He hates bananas. Don't ask me to expand, he just hates the texture and the peeling and the skin and the way they look bruised

Andrew has a really bad habit of picking at his cuticles and nails, it's so bad that he buys that disgusting tasting solution thing to put on his nails so he stops

When Neil becomes closer with Jean, Andrew inevitably finds himself speaking to him more as well. And when he finds out that Jean has gone through the same abuse he has, he finds himself silently relating and trusting Jean much more than before. It's both comforting and irritating.

On bad days, when they have the cats, Andrew is calmed by the light weight of Sir or King on his chest, and often strokes their fur when he can feel himself slipping away

He grows to like Katelyn. Not necessarily appreciate her or think about her when it is not 100% needed, but when he does find himself in her company, he respects her more than he ever expected to

When Nicky finally leaves for Germany permanently, Andrew Skype's him every Monday and Friday - it's hard with timezones but they make it work. Andrew will tell him how much he actually appreciates it at some point.

He has two tattoos. Medusa on his right arm, just below his shoulder, and a small '10' directly above his heart

He absolutely ADORES Chinese takeout. Literally anything from there he will just about inhale

Andrew has a habit of doodling on his hands!!!!! When he's bored in class he'll draw little random things whether it be patterns, keys or smoke. Sometimes, shamefully even, a little fox

Andrew doesn't immediately become 'fixed' when he and Neil start their relationship and nor does his recovery speed up. But the one time during his stay at Palmetto he nearly cries, is when Cass tries to approach him after his and Aaron's trial and Bee is the one to stand in her way

There are very few times Andrew is okay with being touched by someone who isn't Neil. However, Andrew can admit (at least, to himself) that occasionally when he does need it, he goes to Nicky for hugs

He loves to read!! But he has to use reading glasses. Neil squeals every time he puts them on

ANDREW. BLUSHES. EASILY.

Andrew loves crystals. It's not that he believes in anything different types are said to help with or do, but he likes reaching into his pocket and feeling their smooth weight

He also likes the way they look on bracelets and has a rose quartz one <3

Andrew in pink I'm sorry but like a pink oversized sweater that was originally Neil's? Crying.

I know it's set in a time period where it doesn't exist yet, but can you imagine Andrew with unlimited access to Disney+ ? He would adore it

Instant noodle lover

Personally I think he would hate fizzy drinks? Like any type of soda. EW no. Maybe this me projecting a little

HIS FAVOURITE FRUIT IS CHERRIES HE COULD EAT A WHOLE BOX AT A TIME

Allergic to peanuts, as is Aaron ofc

When Andrew experiences his first year pro, he also experiences his first year alone in a while. No family around to annoy and protect, no Neil to talk to. It was sad, and for a while he found himself extremely lonely. But eventually, he learns to express these feelings and Neil helps as much as he can

Never gets over his fear of flying

He smiles. Eventually.

[dayurno]

more than a woman is the ultimate kevin day song to me……. im so glad you agree…… i knew you would understand. i was listening to that playlist the other day and realized i HADNT added it yet and it felt like an oversight so i had to fix it immediately. it was very important to me the whole playlist wasn’t sad. i stsrted my kevin playlist in the height of me losing my mind about him last year in july (i read the books for the first time at the end of may!) but it only made me crazier so i held off making the jean one until november LOL. his is def a little more sad but i think a good portion of the songs are hopeful :-) and YEAH jean is soooo hozier to me. i gave myself a limit on how many hozier songs i could add. it will probably be broken eventually

UR PINTEREST BOARD that fic is going to kill me. im so excited every time you share something about it…. the dynamics seem so fun ^-^ also the richard siken tweet in there Took me Out. i own and have read crush by him so many times like it’s such a big part of who i am and relating that to kerejean makes me. sbdjebx. sweating. nauseous. so excited. the vibes are so good, it feels very nostalgic and warm already….. btw your jean playlist hit me over the head and gave me a.Concussion. i wanna get better???!?! under the table???? OOM SHA LA LA? that song changed my brain chemistry like three years ago and im going to associate it with him forever now. your kevjean playlist being so long is so very real too….. i need to sit down and listen to the full nine hours of it.

DBSIDBSID. the kandrew beef is Personal and it’s so funny. i am working on making them get closer it just takes a lot of time bc andrew simply does not like to stick around. he comes to a sort of truce with them at some point, mostly after he and jean have a Talk alone, but he still doesn’t like kevin for a while. there IS side andreil tho…. neil is 26 :3 he comes to visit kevjean in paris for a bit and immediately causes problems. but the problems help them get their shit together so it’s fine! andrew is of course intrigued. most of it happens in the background tho bc they like to disappear together…… but neil actually ends up in foster care and gets adopted by wymack when he’s around 13, which is around the same age andrew is adopted and meets jeremy, so they understand each other still :) they do a lot of sneaking around and do not want their relationship perceived at all vs jeremy knox head of the PDA committee and very happy for his own friend finding love.

the biting…….. jeremy falls somewhere in the middle of the spectrum but he does suffer from the most intense feelings of love anyone has ever felt and will latch on like a dog and not let go sometimes. it really depends on his mood and what they’re doing how hard he bites ^-^ jean almost never complains but kevin always does. as is how they are. and they really both love attacking kevin. sitting there biting at his neck and shoulders and jean in particular likes gnawing on the wrist bone. jeremy is only a few inches shorter than kevin but will not hesitate to push him around….. dreamy sigh. at first he’s very nervous about overstepping Anything around either of them but once he knows that they actually like him he becomes such a menace. it’s his life’s duty to make kevin day, his childhood celebrity crush, a little embarrassed and whiny. both he and jean are soooo happy to tease kevin and kevin complains constantly about being ganged up on. jeremy is actually still IN college too, he turns 23 toward the beginning of the fic (i. hc him as a cancer!) and he and andrew have their fifth year to get through so he’s really just some college kid nibbling on and picking on them and taking over their apartment. trust that jean gets teased too he wouldn’t want anyone left out!

JEANFO….. jean….. my apple strudel….. there is so much i could say about him but it feels hard to do him justice…… he really is so special. he’s a little more healed of course bc he’s 28 and has always had kevin keeping contact with him. kevin got out at 14 so jean was there for 6 years without him and it’s really. it’s not a good time for him. but kevin refuses to lose contact and even sneaks across state lines to see him at 16 when he gets his license (with 14yo neil). jean has always had something to hold onto and live for. so jean is doing okay……. he still struggles and he’s very stubborn so he would rather AVOID things and kevin isn’t the kind of person who’s going to push him to face them (kevin has his own things to avoid) but he gets a good push from jeremy. and he LOVESSSS keremy. it’s one of his greatest joys that the two people he loves most care about each other the way they do. he’s so obsessed with them and so excited to show them off when they get together with friends. he’s really a little bit of a clingy freak :-) ESPECIALLY if he gets drunk. he’s a very needy drunk and if someone doesn’t kiss him (or if he doesn’t get to bite) his whole night is ruined and they certainly can’t have that. he learns quickly he cannot keep up with jeremy Party Boy knox tho. he’s a silly guy <3 sooo bitchy to everyone outside of his boyfriends but tender with them…. they’re trusted with his girlish little heart. i could talk about him for ages but i fear tumblr will cut me off LOL our responses to each other are getting so long like we’re writing letters by candlelight to be sent post-haste…..

HELLO MY LOVE im sorry for the late reply my pc was out of commission and answering asks on mobile is terrible but i am back now as your penpal. I LOVED MORE THAN A WOMAN OFC i understand i think i've had so many kevin day playlists since i first read aftg in 2020 (which feels like such a lifetime ago!), so i try not to keep too much track of them and not to take them or myself too seriously either. in a way all the playlists i've made have been an abstract of my life at the time of making so i want to preserve them that way! which is why my kandrew playlist is 6 hours long. because i am preserving.

THANK YOU FOR LIKING MY PINBOARD i wanted this fic most of all to be an ode to friendship. in kandreil i think theres so much history and tension there that sometimes it's easy to forget that there are other reasons people can stay together, so i wanted to write a kerejean where they felt like they were genuinely friends before it ever started careening into romance!!!! i think it's working. Probably. it's a very joyful and warm fic (or at least i hope it is) and i've been having a lot of fun with dialogue specifically because so much of friendship is just talking! anyway ah i have to stop myself before i spoil anything so just know it's going to be fun. hopefully. and there's a scene where jean calls kevin the first flower of edgar allen (direct rip off from tlt but bear with me)

I LOVE THEM BOTH TEASING KEVIN!!!! is there anything more genuine than teasing your crush together.......... that's the kind of thing i live 4 in relationship dynamics................ ohhh i just know this fic will get me so bad if it ever sees the light of day (heh).... ALSO HE'S STILL IN COLLEGE KEVINNNNNNNNNNN kevin youre letting a man still in college boss you around youve been better and more dignified endings. AND I LOVE DRUNK JEAN THANK YOU especially needy aiyayayaya..... my favorite senseless hc is that jean is a lightweight and he cant keep up with neither jeremy nor kevin nor renee. he's drunk off of one glass while the other three compete to see who can get liver failure first. he has been consistently getting drinked under the table by kevin for years. our beautiful apple strudel....... our little cabbage as the french say. :-)

i hope my candlelight letter reaches YOU post-haste and ofc im sorry for the wait!

[yikesharringrove]

Show Pony

Chapter 2: Legends Never Die

Read on Ao3

-

Billy was watching porn when Steve texted.

He’s never clicked out of a video so fucking fast in his life.

The message just read hey, this is steve :) which like, of course, the fucker uses little emoticons. Of course , he types out little smiley faces. It’s so dumb. It’s so cute.

And Billy just stared at it. One hand still on his dick, the other hovering over the keyboard.

What the fuck does he reply?

Obviously, Steve knows it’s Billy. Like. Duh.

So he just tapped out a little Hey.

Steve texted back almost immediately.

you have a good day? Billy found himself grinning maniacally, so he rolled over to hold his pillow close to his chest, burying his chin into it. He didn’t wanna deal with the fact that this stupid adorable cowboy was making him smile and flush. Stupid.

Yeah, it was nice. Way too hot, but nice.

lol try wearing jeans in that heat. sweatin through my damn saddle. Billy laughed into his pillow.

Jesus, you’re such a fuckin hick. Billy bit his tongue when he pressed send.

And Steve just sent back >:(. And God. He’s so cute. Billy. Hates him.

And then Billy’s phone buzzed twice, another brand new text from Steve.

One that made Billy’s heart fucking stop.

i have the day off tomorrow. no tiedown on the schedule. you should come by and we could hang

Which sounded like. A date. It sounded like a fucking date. And Billy wanted to ask. If Steve’s invitation was for a goddamn date.

But like, he can’t just ask. Can he? Is that weird? Okay, maybe he’ll just-

Should I bring Max?

Right? Like if Steve says to bring his little sister, then there’s no way it’s a date. Because, who would want their date to bring their little sister? People who are just hanging out as friends, that’s who.

was hoping it'd just be you and me

And hoo boy. Hoo boy. That’s. That’s a fucking. That’s a date.

Then yeah. Just you and me.

And Steve sent him another little :) because the fucker loves his emoticon smiley faces. They’re not even, like, actual emojis. Steve doesn’t take the time to use fucking apostrophes, but he does type out little faces.

And maybe Billy’s spending too much time thinking about the smiley little shits.

But, like. It’s just. It’s Steve. And it’s a cute fucking thing that Steve does.

Billy’s pretty much obsessed with him by now.

And maybe Billy should ask for, like, a time to meet. But he was halfway through a video and his cock’s still hard and kinda starting to ache, pressed against the mattress where it was. He rolled over, slid his hand back into his shorts, and wrapped his fingers around the base of himself.

So it’s easy just to, slide it up. Run his fingers along his length. Pretend his rough hand is Steve’s rough hand. Pretend the tight vice grip is Steve’s mouth. Hot and slick around him.

He could picture Steve, on his knees in the dirt, those tight fucking jeans beginning to stain at the knees, those big pretty eyes looking at him so reverently, so softly.

And he came all over his hand, pictured those pink pretty lips covered with cum. Imagined scooping it on his fingers, pressing them into Steve’s mouth, making him lick them clean.

It wasn’t even the most depraved fantasy Billy’s ever had. But it was for sure in his top five best orgasms. No doubt about it.

He wiped his hand on the sheets, turning onto his side, staring at the short little conversation with Steve.

Thinking about their fucking date tomorrow.

Max was on his ass the second he woke up.

She cornered him as he was coming out of the bathroom, making him startle and nearly smack her.

“The fuck you doing out here, Shitbrid?”

“What are we doing today?”

“ We aren’t doing shit all. I will be heading out. Soon.”

She narrowed her eyes at him, jutting her jaw in a way he absolutely knows she learned from him.

“Are you going to the rodeo?” she hissed through her teeth at him. “Are you going to see-”

“That’s none ‘a your fuckin’ business.” He pushed past her, lumbering down the hall, almost making it into his bedroom before she slipped inside with him, slapping his elbow and kicking the door closed.

“Are you going on a date ?”

Billy glared at her. He clenched his jaw, speaking through gritted teeth.

“Pretty sure we agreed not to fucking talk about this shit here.”

She pursed her lips, shifting her jaw.

“Just nod or shake your head.”

Billy kept his head very still.

She kicked him once in the shin before stomping out of his room, nearly slamming the door, catching it at the last minute, and closing it quietly.

Neil didn��t approve of doors slamming in his house.

It was rule number. Three probably. First rule was don’t be a smartass. Second rule was don’t be Billy. That was kind of an unspoken rule. But it was there.

And Billy was faced with his newest dilemma.

What does he wear?

Because it’s gonna be another hot fucking day, and his typical date outfits have more, more.

He’s got one clean pair of cut-offs left. Okay. Yes. And he puts on a printed button-up shirt. Leaves it almost all the way unbuttoned, because, like, of course, he does. He’s got a good body. He wants Steve to see it.

He’ll be mostly cool, and he looks better than he did last time he saw Steve.

Black Converse complete the look, and he maybe spends more time than he usually would putting his hair into a ponytail, using one of Max’s bright scrunchies.

She’ll get pissed if she notices it but. Whatever. He steals them from her all the fucking time.

He hasn’t looked at his phone all morning, figured he could head over to the rodeo, and whenever Steve texted, he’d play it cool and act like he wasn’t already there.

But, cowboy hick Steve was obviously an early riser. As the most recent text Billy has is from that cowboy hick Steve. At six. In the morning.

you wanna meet up around ten?

It was currently just past nine.

Does Billy head up there now and wander around the grounds for a bit?

Yes. Yes, he does. Because frankly, he looks gay as fuck in this outfit and he should probably dip before his dad sees.

He sends Steve a thumbs up and the three dots show up almost immediately, showing Steve typing.

you got a car right? can you pick me up outside of the parking lot? i gotta get outta here

And Fuck. Billy knows that feeling.

No problem. You wanna get breakfast? I know a good diner if you’re into that kinda thing.

hell yeah im into that :)

Ah, yes. There was that little happy face just in time to give Billy lots of nice heart palpitations.

Great. That’s what he needs. To get sappy and gross over Steve’s emoticons. Again.

He slipped out of his house without interference, taking a lap around the block just to kill time before setting off to the fairgrounds.

He was trying to make his car look presentable, shoving the few gum wrappers Max left by the gear shift into his pocket, brushing off any stray cigarette ash with one of the baby wipes in the glove box.

And by the time he reached the fairgrounds, he saw Steve skulking along the front of the parking lot, hopping over cracks in the sidewalk like the cutest little bunny.

It was the most adorable thing in the fucking world.

Billy pulled up next to him, blaring the horn and watching Steve startle at the sound.

He was wearing cut-off denim shorts like Billy’s, and a goddamn crop top. It had the silhouette of a horse on its hind legs, its mane flowing in the wind behind it, and Harrington American Rodeo brandished across his chest. It was cut just at his waistline, where his body nipped in right above his hips.

Steve smiled his pretty smile at Billy, just about skipping around the front of the car to slide into the passenger seat.

And Billy tried not to think about how fucking good Steve looked in the passenger seat of his car, those long fucking legs all on display, his thighs, thick and pale, covered in dark hair.

“Hi,” Steve was leaning with one elbow on the center console, putting himself in Billy’s space, and Billy was thankful for his dark aviator sunglasses, as his eyes went wide and probably panicked with Steve moving in so close.

Because if Steve was leaning in to kiss him, that kinda feels like a lot. And Billy’s not a prude, not by any means but he's, he’s got lines, and rules, and-

Steve just knocked his head into Billy’s shoulder, leaning back to buckle his seatbelt, like headbutting Billy’s shoulder was casual and normal.

And fuck.

Billy’s in so deep for this guy he barely fucking knows.

All he could do was push the car forward, and will away the flush on his cheeks. And pretend like he hadn’t jerked off to the person sitting next to him less than twelve hours ago.

“So. Billy. Tell me about yourself.” Steve shifted in his seat, turning to look right at Billy. “All I know is that you’ve got a kid sister, a cool car, and that you’re really hot.”

Billy smirked, turning to look at Steve over his glasses, found Steve biting his bottom lip demurely.

“Well, there’s not much else to know .”

“Oh, come on. Where are you from? How old are you? Shit, probably shoulda asked that sooner. Please, tell me you’re not fifteen or something.”

“I’m literally driving, right now. And relax, Pretty Boy. I’m eighteen next month.”

“Okay. Okay, good. I’m eighteen, by the way. Just so you know, that I’m not fifteen.” Billy shook his head, rolling his eyes with a smile. “But I still want answers to the other questions.”

“Well, I’m from here. Born and raised in San Diego. Uh, I graduated high school in May. And I work at the diner I’m about to take you to, which might be the lamest shit in the world, but they have good pancakes.”

“I like pancakes.” Steve was fiddling with some of the knobs in the car, turning the air conditioner up and down. Billy was just resisting slapping his hand away.

And then he reached for the volume knob on the radio, turning up the Ratt Billy had playing, and audibly scoffed.

“God, I should’ve known you liked this .”

“Yeah? What about it?”

“Just, you know. Sex charged drug-fueled hair metal.”

“Oh my God. What in the fuck ?” He gave Steve as incredulous a look as he could muster. “Are you a housewife from the fifties?”

Steve gave one of his excellent bright laughs at Billy, and Billy’s gut got a little bit gay and a little bit fluttery.

“Alright, Stevie. I’ll bite. What kinda music are you into? And if you say country I’m blowing my fuckin’ brains out.”

“Well, unfortunate then because, yeah. Fuckin’ country, man. Although, I prefer folk.”

“See, you call my music sex-charged and drug-fueled, at least I’m not listening to posers rant about their tractors.”

“Oh, no. I hate that shit as much as you do. I mean like, Johnny Cash. Willie Nelson, you know? Emmylou Harris, Marty Robbins, Miss Dolly. The good stuff. There’s like, a few modern artists that are doing the same kinda thing that I like. It’s all just stories and good music.”

“That’s all my music is. Stories set to music. And, you say my shit is drug-fueled, you do know that Willie Nelson is famous for being a stoner? And that Johnny Cash publicly dealt with addiction and all that?”

“Well, yeah, but they’ve got class.”

“Okay, Cowboy. I’ll let you die on that fuckin’ hill while I party it up on mine to some eighties metal.”

And Steve reached out to shove Billy lightly, laughing while he did it.

“Agree to fucking disagree then. Just take me to pancakes and don’t try to reason with me about shitty music.”

“Then change the subject. Tell me other things about you besides your terrible music taste.”

Steve leaned back in his seat, blowing out a puff of air.

“Uh, I mean. Jeez. I don’t do much besides the rodeo, you know? Just movin’ all over the country.”

“That must be. Exhausting.”

Steve reached out to brush his fingers against the dashboard mindlessly.

“It’s not so bad. I try to make friends in the towns, you know? Makes it kinda fun.”

“Where were you born?”

“Indiana. Really small town. My mom and I stayed there for three years while my father traveled around. I’ve been on the road since.”

“Holy shit. Since you were three? Did you, like, go to school?”

“No. Uh, I actually have a tutor that’s on the road with us, and I’m. You know. Supposed to get my high school diploma soon. I’m behind schedule since,” he waved his hand flippantly. He was staring at his lap, playing with the frayed hem of his shorts. And Billy was grasping for another subject as Steve’s cheeks went red. Because obviously school, had struck a nerve.

“What kinda horse is June?”

“She’s an American quarter horse. That’s the usual type for most rodeo events. They’re good ranch horses because they’re a little more compact. I’ve been with June for five years now, and she’s a beast. I’ve got two others with me, on rotation so that none of them get too tired doing the shows over and over. June, Patsy, and Loretta. They’re all quarter horses, and each one is only about fourteen and a half hands tall. I like my horses a bit smaller for tie-down.”

“I understood, honestly, like, nothing of what you just said.”

Steve tossed his head back, laughing loudly over the radio at Billy’s confusion.

He laughed a lot.

Billy liked it.

“Don’t worry, I’ll teach you rodeo slang. You’ll be a natural,” Steve said, reaching out to where Billy’s right hand was resting on the gearshift, wrapping his finger’s around Billy’s wrist.

“What about their names?”

“All ladies of country. Loretta Lynn, Patsy Cline, and June Carter. Carter-Cash, I guess. She married Johnny but had a career in her own right.”

“Jesus, you’re a fuckin’ hick.”

“You’ve said that before. Just because I’m in the rodeo-”

“No, it’s because you’re in the rodeo, and listen to country music, and wear fucking cowboy boots -”

“They are literally made for riding horses, okay? That’s why they were invented .”

Billy rolled his eyes again, but he was smiling brightly as he pulled into the diner parking lot.

It wasn’t too busy for a Sunday morning. Billy bets it’ll pick up in an hour or so for the brunch crowd.

He began working at the diner three years ago, bussing tables and washing dishes, getting paid under the table because technically, he was too young to work. He was a server now, usually taking the evening dinner shifts to miss that time when his dad was home from work.

The bell jingled above their heads as Billy held the door open for Steve, and Billy stuck his tongue out at the kitchen staff, leaning over the counter to swipe a few menus from the stack.

He led Steve to a booth in the back corner, waving at Lorraine, the older woman who was working their section, gesturing to the booth for Steve to take a seat.

“Wow. You’ve totally got this place on lock.”

Billy grinned at him, leaning against the wall to stretch his legs up on the booth next to him.

“I’ve worked here a few years. Kinda done all the staff positions. It’s a nice place.”

“Well, then what do you recommend?” Steve carefully opened the laminated menu, his big eyes flicking over the pictures on the side of every dish.

“Pancakes are good, so are the waffles though, if you’re into that. I like the full breakfast. Eggs, bacon or sausage, hash browns, pancakes, or toast. Kinda the best of everything.”

Steve snapped his menu shut, smiling softly at Billy.

“I’m trusting you with my breakfast here. It better be good .”

Lorraine approached their table, already pouring Billy a cup of coffee and sliding it to him along the table.

“You really love us that much you find your way in here on your day off?”

“Only you, Lorraine. Everybody else can fuck off for all I care.”

She shook her head, rolling her eyes at Billy.

“You want the usual cook-up?”

“Yes, please.”

She took his unopened menu, turning and smiling brightly at Steve.

“What can I get for you, Darling.”

Steve’s eyes were wide when he looked up at her, his cheeks starting to flush.

“Uh, just, the same as Billy, please.”

“You want a coffee?”

“No, Ma’am. Just a water for me please.” He handed his menu back, giving her a bright smile, his cheeks a soft rosy red.

Lorraine winked at Billy, nodding her head once in Steve’s general direction. Billy waved her off before she could say something embarrassing.

“Sorry, I get kinda weird sometimes.” Steve had pulled a napkin out of the dispenser on their table and was looking down at it, tearing off little chunks and rolling them into balls.

“That’s okay. Lorraine gets it. Plus, you were polite, and that’s all that matters. I wouldn’t be caught dead with you if you were an ass to servers.”

“Oh, God. My dad is such an ass when it comes to, really any staff. Like, servers, or, frankly, most of the people that work for him. Don’t even get me started on the animal carers. I mean, that’s probably the most important job at the whole rodeo, and he’s been trying to dock pay left, right, and fucking center.” Steve rolled his big eyes, huffing like Max.

“Wait, so your dad is like, the head of the whole operation?”

“My name is Steve Harrington,” and Steve pointed at his shirt, the name Harrington emblazoned over the horse.

“Oh damn. I thought that name was familiar when I saw the shirt. Figured I had just seen the rodeo name or something.”

“Nope. That’s me. A whole Harrington. My great-grandpa started the rodeo. He was, like, an actual ranch hand. Started one in the town we’re from. My grandpa was the one who got the idea to take it on the road. My dad came up through it like I did. He was in steer roping. And basically, his end goal is that I start running the whole show in a few years. Take over for him.”

“And, you don’t want to?”

“Nah. I don’t really have a brain for business. Don’t have a brain for much other than riding and tie-down, honestly. Don’t know the first thing about how to run a traveling rodeo.”

“Yeah, me neither.”

Steve smiled at him, but his eyes seemed sad, and his smile was tight.

“You got plans for next year? College or anything?”

“Nah. I think college is, on the horizon, but I’m taking a gap year. Saving up to move out and pay for school and everything. Probably gonna go to community college to save some money. And then maybe grad school?”

“That’s smart, you know? Finding ways to save up. My dad is debating pushing college on me. Like, if I do run the business, there’s some shit I should know going into it, right? But I think he also sees that I’m way too dumb for college, and, like, I don’t need a degree to get hired. I’ll just,” Steve made an upwards sweeping gesture with his right hand. A gesture that Billy understood to vaguely mean nepotism.

“What would you rather do? If not run the thing.”

“I like tie-down, and I could feasibly do it for a long time. I could branch into other events, too, like steer roping and all that. Same idea as calf roping but a different animal. Literally. It’s a steer. But I’d be content just doing the events until I croak. I have absolutely no desire to rise through the ranks, or whatever.” Steve rolled his eyes, balling up the little napkin wads he had made into another napkin from the dispenser. Billy appreciated it. He’s had to clean up crap like that from this very floor. “I just love being around the rodeo. The animals and all the people. I don’t really wanna be anywhere else.”

“At least you have something you love. Like, you’d be happy to do that for the rest of your life, and not in an I’ve got nothing better to do way, but in an, I’m passionate about this way. A lot of people don’t really. Get that.” Billy included.

It’s not that he doesn’t have passions, it’s just that they’re not necessarily sustainable to him.

He knows he’s dangling by a thread with his father. Knows after his eighteenth birthday, he should be ready to be kicked out or asked to pay rent at any time. He needs a career that’ll get him some fucking money if he wants to get out and cut off his dad entirely. He can’t be forced to go crawling back to him because he wanted to self-publish his gay ass poetry that never took off or drum in a rock band that went nowhere.

To name a few.

“Yeah, I mean. Sometimes I think that I probably would’ve never set foot in a rodeo if I wasn’t literally born into one, so I kinda wonder who I’d be if this wasn’t everything I knew, but I still really love doing it, and it’s something that I’m actually good at, which speaks volumes.”

They were interrupted by Lorraine returning, placing two identical plates in front of them, a glass of water for Steve, and pulling hot sauce and ketchup out of her apron pocket.

“You two let me know if you need anything else.”

Steve beamed at her, thanking her softly and Billy’s heart fluttered like a stupid idiot.

They tucked in, Steve shoving food into his mouth until his cheeks were bulging, chewing aggressively. It made Billy laugh and nearly spew coffee all over the table.

“I figured you’d have better manners, being the heir to a rodeo dynasty or whatever.”

Steve pulled a face, showing Billy the chewed-up food in his mouth.

“How’s that for manners?”

It was actually fucking funny watching him try to swallow everything stuffed in his mouth.

“It’s borderline painful watching you eat.”

Billy laughed as Steve flicked a piece of scrambled egg at him. It landed on his shoulder. Billy slurped it right off his shirt.

“See! Now, who's the one with no table manners?”

“Still you, Sugar. Still you.”

Breakfast was, like, actually fun.

Not that Billy was expecting it to be shitty, but he wasn’t expecting it to be as carefree, as easy, as it was. He and Steve just, kinda, clicked.

Steve was easy to talk to. He was easy to listen to, easy to laugh with, and even easier to look at.

He’s kinda, everything Billy has ever wanted in a person.

He slid his hand into Billy’s as they were leaving the diner, smiling shyly at Billy when he looked over at him.

And Billy stopped in his tracks, right there in broad daylight, tugging Steve by his hand closer to Billy’s body, sliding his hands up his arms, feeling over Steve’s shoulders, and down his back to settle on his hips. Steve wrapped both arms around Billy’s shoulders, leaning closer to him, almost pressing his whole body against Billy’s.

And it was easy. Kissing Steve was just as easy as talking to him, as laughing with him, as looking at him. It was simple and nice and made Billy feel something he really didn’t want to put too much thought into.

Something that was decidedly not easy.

They pulled away from one another, both their lips red and slick.

Billy opened the passenger door, and Steve folded himself into the seat with a ridiculous amount of grace.

And as Billy drove them aimlessly through the city, he tried not to think of the expiration date on this whole thing, on the dates listed on the back of Steve’s t-shirt.

They’ve got a little under a month together.

And Billy was determined to make that the best goddamn month of both of their natural lives.

[jemej3m]

Right but what if in married to the enemy non of them recognize Neil and just think of him as Andrews husband which leads to increasingly comedic Dramatic Irony(TM) scenes like Neil would be stopping by to drop something and some perp is like “hey isn’t that nath-“ *cue Andrew ‘accidentally’ shoving him* like idk I know you’re done with that fic but I just read it and I can’t stop thinking about how funny that would be

bruh

stop bringing things back from the dead yall

(FINALLY some WRITING and not just asks - im so sorry ive been starving you all)

*

“Andrew!” Detective Jeremy Knox bounced on the balls of his feet. “I’m so thrilled to have you here. Kevin Day has spoken...” his smile nearly slipped. “Highly! Of you.”

“Here’s the file,” Andrew grunted, dropping the thick yellow slip onto the detective’s desk. “You need to get rid of them before they settle in. Once they’ve grown roots you’ll never get rid of them till they decide to move again.”

“I know,” Jeremy said, voice slightly hushed. “We’ll bring justice to your Baltimore victims. This won’t be swept under the rug.”

Andrew just stared at the file. He’d worked on that ring for three years now, but they’d upped and vanished. When they’d reappeared in Captain Rhenmann’ s New York precinct, Kevin had booted him up there to get a resolution.

It also, coincidently, was the exact week Neil was due up in New York to finalise his ‘retirement’. Andrew may or may not have arranged for him to be in New York for Neil’s support whilst he finally wriggled out of the Moriyama’s grasp.

Finally, after a decade and a half together, Neil would be free. Baltimore would no longer require a Butcher to instil terror. Neil had worked hard to free their city from Ichirou Moriyama’s grasp, buying both himself and his jurisdiction out of internment.

And once Neil was free, they could finally bring down the Moriyamas. Together.

Andrew wasn’t in a rush. Slow and steady always won the race: he would bring down the criminal empire that had trapped his husband for so long and marred his skin and mind with memories of terror and injustice. And he would enjoy it.

“Would you like to have lunch with us?” Knox gestured to the two women, standing close enough to eavesdrop but pretending they weren’t. They were married, Andrew guessed. It was pretty obvious. “We were just about to head out. There’s a hidden bodega near the the station with pastrami that’s to die for.”

Andrew checked his phone. No messages from Neil, as of yet. He’d text when he was on his way back to the hotel, and there was no use in Andrew hanging around and anxious awaiting his arrival. He’d convince himself that the Moriyamas had finally put a bullet through Neil’s forehead and go rampaging.

“Fine,” he grunted, shoving the phone back into his pocket.

Detective Sunshine just beamed.

*

“Day mentioned you were married,” Alvarez said, swallowing a mouthful of sub. “Who’s the lucky guy?”

Andrew arched his eyebrow, unimpressed. She rolled her eyes.

“You’ve got him as your home screen. It’s not hard to guess. You out at your precinct?” Andrew nodded. “Yeah, so are we.”

“If we didn’t have Captain Rhenmann, I’m sure it’d be a lot more stressful.” Laila added, rubbing her wife’s shoulder. “He speaks very highly of your captain, you know. I think they worked together with the old NYPD commissioner. Kayleigh Day.”

Yes, Kevin’s mother. The one who was murdered twenty years ago. A riveting case. Still unsolved. Neil was pretty sure it was his father who’d been assigned to her removal. Not that Andrew would ever discuss this aloud.

“I heard she was one hell of a woman,” Knox added. “If her son’s anything to go off, I can see why.”

“Stop gushing about Kevin,” Alvarez chided.

“Don’t worry,” Andrew grunted. “Kevin’s undoubtedly worse.”

The three of them laughed. They ate in companionable silence, Knox and Alvarez occasionally jostling each other or gossiping about names Andrew didn’t know. It was nearing 2 o’clock in the afternoon when the detective’s phone buzzed: he leaned over, checked who it was from and immediately scrambled to pick it up.

Knox squinted at the message and shot the three of them an apologetic look. “My bad. I’ve gotta make a call. I’ll meet y’all back at the station?”

He left without an answer, phone raised to his ear.

“He’s a parole officer for a very specific case,” Alvarez explained. Laila was frowning. “A difficult one, at that.”

“Seems a little more involved than a parole officer usually is,” Andrew noted.

“Yes, well,” Laila huffed. “Jeremy likes to care.”

Andrew got a text of his own. Coming back now.

He bid the women goodbye with a salute and bought a sandwich for Neil: he was unlikely to have already fed himself, too stressed and paranoid to bother thinking about food. He always came back from New York weak and underfed.

When Andrew arrived back to their hotel room, Neil was lying on his back, staring at the ceiling. His shirt was untucked and tie loosened, but he hadn’t even bothered to take his shoes off or put away the briefcase of paperwork and knives.

Andrew put the food aside for later and sat by his husband, toeing off his shoes so he could cross his legs on the bed.

When Neil didn’t talk, he leaned over and turned on the television. A random afternoon sitcom filled the room with white noise, bringing Neil out of his glacial stare. Finally, his eyes flit over to Andrew, aware but still hollow.

Andrew reached out to undo Neil’s cuffs but waited for him to deposit his wrist in Andrew’s palm. He got to work, unbuttoning the sleeves, pulling off the tie and throwing the shoes over to the door. The dress shirt was wriggled off, leaving him in just a white undershirt, and draped across the chair to be steam-ironed in the morning. Neil wormed out of his slacks, too, letting Andrew fold them and put them away.

Andrew made him a cup of decaf instant coffee and brought out the sandwich. Neil looked at both of them balefully but sat up anyway, getting through the whole coffee and only half the sandwich.

Andrew waited, sitting behind him. When he was finished he laid back down, putting his head in Andrew’s lap.

“Thank you,” he mumbled.

Andrew just hummed, combing his fingers through Neil’s hair.

*

The end of the week came quickly. Andrew worked the case with Knox and eventually decided that the case would be in good hands. Every evening he’d come back to find Neil just as exhausted and spaced out and hold him together with soft hands and silent reassurance. Neil soldiered on.

Andrew didn’t know what he was negotiating, why it was taking so long or whether or not this would actually work. All he could hope for was that Neil would be a free man by the end of the week and that they could go home without worrying he’d be called back or killed.

Andrew got his answer on Friday evening. He bid the affectionately named ‘Dyke Detectives’ and their captain goodbye, knowing Knox had briefly left the building for an errand and assuming that they’d pass on his thanks.

He exited the front doors of the precinct and nearly stumbled into his husband, standing in jeans and a hoodie with a blinding grin. Andrew never forgot how gorgeous Neil was, but the ease of his posture and the genuine smile had something go soft inside his chest.

He ignored all the beat cops standing around the doors and pressed a kiss to Neil’s smile, which only had him smile more.

“It’s done,” Neil murmured, holding Andrew’s wrist. “I’m free. We’re free.’’

“Took you long enough.”

Neil shrugged. “Had to barter for Allison, too. I know Renee wants to make it official.”

“Only a decade later,” Andrew agreed. Of course Neil hadn’t been fighting tooth and nail for himself: he’d do anything for those he loved.

“Holy shit,” came an unfamiliar voice. They both turned around, spotting a willowing man standing next to Detective Knox. His pale complexion had turned translucent, all the blood draining out of his cheeks. Neil’s eyes flashed with recognition. “Nathaniel—?”

“It’s Neil,” Neil said, still smiling. “Hello, Jean. Good to see you were cleared. Did they find Riko’s actual killer?”

The man did not look any less uncomfortable. “They ruled it a suicide.”

“Ah, shame. Maybe some more evidence will come to light, later.” He offered his hand to Andrew. “Shall we?”

It would be a long drive to Baltimore but at the other end was home, two cats and freedom.

Andrew, older, wiser, calmer, happier, took Neil’s hand.

“We shall.”

*

[91percentpynch]

lonely heart - kevaaron au pt 4

oh look it‘s me, coming out of my dark hole to make you suffer with a super sad chapter with a nasty cliffhanger:) so get your tissues ready and enjoy!! okay first of all sorry that i didn‘t update this in a g e s and that it‘s rather short and for the cliffhanger, but i‘ll try to update it more regularly now:)

check this out for the other parts:)

trigger warnings: drug abuse, mention of suicide, mention of mental health issues, very sad aaron, mention of blood

“You were too good for me”, Aaron whispered into the void. “You were way too fucking good for me. You made me a better man. And I fucked up”

Aaron got up as he felt the tears burning in his eyes. He knew he wouldn‘t be able to sleep alone tonight. Like every single goddamn night since he left Kevin. Like every single goddamn night since he made the biggest mistake of his life.

„Taylor?“, the blonde haired boy murmered, „You up?“

„Babe, you know I‘m up. My girlfriend lives three states away, we talk every single day at the same time as you call your man. Not that I would be able to sleep when you call him, cause a) i love Day and b) you‘re always sad and high and end up in my room anygays, so did he take the phone darling?“

Taylor was Aaron‘s roommate and the closest thing he had to a best friend. She had been there for him every single day, cuddled him, held him while he cried and dried his tears afterwards. And Aaron did the same when she misssed her girlfriend too much.

„You do realize he is not my man anymore, I fucked that up. Big time. He did actually take the phone just to tell me to fuck off and stop calling“

„You could always go over there and say it in his pretty face. Didn’t say you can’t come over did he?Pro point: Might lead to making out“, Taylor said while taking him in her arms. „Plus another pro point: you‘d get sober again. And you‘re less moody. No offense but a Kevin-less Aaron is hardly managable, like you‘re either a whiny little bitch or you‘ll give me the death glare of the cenutry. Legit worse than Andrew‘s and I called him a cute little baby boo once when I was drunk and he almost stabbed me right there with a look on his face like I just murdered Neil in front of him“

„Tay, I take that as a compliment. And we both know Kevin’s a bit of a dumbass so he did not exactly tell me Not To Come over just stopp calling. Anyways I don‘t even know where he lives. And stop talking about me getting high, you do the same shit“

„Yeah but I know my limits and I have not the same history as you. And for the i DoN‘t EvEn KnOwS wHeRe He LiVeS, phone number. Now“

„O- okay“, Aaron said and told her Kevin‘s phone number while Taylor calmingly stroked his back.

„Neat, got him“, Taylor said after a while. „He‘s with the scary big dude and his adorable little boyfriend I think? I have their address right here, I think we‘re gonna visit them tomorrow cause it‘s like 4 am right now and we don‘t wanna rob him his beauty sleep plus we don‘t want to wake the scary big dude. And I‘m pretty sure the adorable small golden retriver boy could and would stab us“

„Did you just stalk my ex and located his phone at 4 am like fucking Garcias in Criminal Minds?“, Aaron said confused.

„Anything for you big guy. And as I said I miss Day‘s pretty face, preferably in your pretty face so you shut the fuck up about how stressed and depressed and lonely you are.“, Taylor chuckled as Aaron looked at her shocked.

„Well I miss Casey, preferable in your face so YOU shut up“, Aaron was never as good in witty remarks as his brother. Especially high Aaron.

„Babe I think it‘s time for you to go to bed, you‘re not fun when you‘re sad, high and tired. Come here, let me cuddle you, while you whiney little bitch sleep“

Aaron slowly went over to Taylor and into her loving arms, laying down, trying to fall asleep.

After a long while aaron drifted into sleep, just to be greeted by familiar smaragd eyes. In his dream Kevin and he never broke up. Kevin was on top of him, his hands gently discovered Aaron‘s body, touching him as if he was sacred, something to worship. Kevin‘s lips were at Aaron‘s ear whispering sweet nothingness. Aaron‘s hips moved against Kevin‘s loving touch. „Stress release“ Kevin called these holy moments in dawn. „Highlight of my day“ Aaron called them.

The dream was as beautiful as it was cruel. It was as if his body, his mind were as much refusing as able to believe that Kevin was gone. It was his own fault, Aaron knew it. But the ever present voice of his mother, disapproving and disgusting, in his head was just too much for him to handle. He thought - foolish as Aaron was - that the pain of living without Kevin would be better, less cruel, less painful. But he never knew real love and therefore never experienced its lost. Until that faitful day. Until Kevin took his bags and left.

Aaron was used to pain. The hot one after an extraordinarily vicious hit. The cold one when his mother died. The numbing one when the hunger was growing more and more unbareable. But nothing was even slightly as hard to handle as the loss of Kevin in his life.

Kevin was the first good thing Aaron had. He gave him a will to stay, to try, to give this stupid sport everything he got. And Exy turned into more mundane things like getting his eating routine under control or getting a more or less acceptable sleeping schedule. The dark days were still there, for both of them, and they would probably never leave them completely alone, but they got less. And when they did happen they would hold each other together.

Ever since he fucked up things with Kevin, Aaron had more and more dark days. The voice of his mother telling him he‘s a failure, the bored stare of his brother and Aaron convincing himself Andrew wouldn‘t even bet an eye if he died, the voice telling him the world would be a better place without him growing louder and lourder every passing day.

Logically he could say that the death of a single person wouldn‘t change much for the over all world population, expect maybe it‘s some kind of insane mademan dicator or someone important, but still. It made sense. All he did after all was fucking up, being a failure, never good enough, never perfect.

His lonely heart only screamed Kevin‘s name and he knew if Kevin didn‘t take him back, his life wouldn‘t make much sense anymore. Well he would definetly not tell Kevin that. He would not manipulate Kevin into loving him, because that wouldn‘t be much better than not having him at all.

Aaron woke up the next day around noon. He didn‘t really feel like getting up, like getting up was simply too much. But Aaron knew he had to. He didn‘t want to worry Taylor more than he already did. And it would end today. One way or the other.

So he got up, put on the first pair of black jeans he could find and the first sweater his hands could find. Ironically it was one of the sweaters Kevin gave him, on the third of december last year. It was one of Aaron‘s favourites as well.

„Ready for the big Day, small guy?“, Taylor said winking at him.

„Not really? What the fuck am I supposed to do there anyways?“, Aaron replied on his way to the coffee maker.

„Talk to him? Deliver one of those borderline cringe big speeches. Get im flowers. Break into his bedroom and say ‚Draw me like one of your french girls‘, naked of course“, Taylor laughed at the face Aaron made, listening to her suggestions.

„I think I like the big speech. I mean I‘m shit with words, but I‘m sure you want to help your boy getting ‚his man‘ back, right? Also what kind of flowers would you give someone you dumped cause the voice of your dead mother told you it was wrong and disgusting, which you never told him for obvious reasons?“

„Honey, you‘re so fucked up sometimes, I love you but you should go to a therapist or something. Also I‘d say sunflowers or roses? I don‘t speak flowers man, I‘m the tech nerd. Not the romantic one, the nerd. But we‘re gonna make a snazzy speech and you‘re gonna get your man back“

After their typical breakfast - if Aaron didn‘t forget to eat again - they sat down together on the living room floor, paper and pen ready, trying to write the world changing speech.

„Why is this so fucking hard? Why can I only tell him how much I love and miss him when I‘m high off my ass“, Aaron complained.

„What about you don‘t think about him that much. Just tell me what you love about him and then we write that down?“, Taylor suggested.

Aaron took a deep breathe and closed his eyes. „I loved him because he was the first one who saw me. Aaron Minyard. And not just the other Minyard, the lesser twin, the shadow of Andrew. He looked at me and somehow chose me. Even if he could have had everyone else. He chose me, even though I‘m not special. Kevin chose the failure when he could have had the first prize. He looked at me and saw something worth loving, worth keeping around. Hardly anyone could tell Andrew and me apart. But it took him less than a day to do so. Kevin is strong, so so strong and somehow chose the most fragile thing he could find, took it and made it worth soemthing. Kevin made me feel something. Not numbness. Not pain. Something warm and beautiful and living. He gave me a reason to stay alive. Kevin made my life bearable, he made my life beautiful. We were both broken and we would probably still be broken if we were together but we softened each other‘s edges. Kevin believed in me when no one else would. He knew how I felt, knew what I needed and when I needed it. Kev gave me love and safety and I kicked it with my feet. This man is like a god who fell for whatever reasons for a homeless man. And I know I don‘t deserve him but I also know I cannot live without him. And I know that I must tell him that before it‘s too late. If it‘s not too late already“

Taylor wipped a tear out of her eyes. „That‘s it. You tell him that and we‘ll get him back“, she said. „Can I hug you?“

„Sure you loser“

„Ah there is my boy“

They spent the rest of the afternoon writing down the speech, making edits here and there. In the end Aaron collected the pages and went to his room to change. He replaced Kevin‘s sweater with a simple black jumper, put on his Docs, got his keys and left.

Aaro did feel a little uncomfortable, stalking Kevin like that. But he knew this was his chance to fix things. This was his chance to get Kevin back, to make his life worth living again. Which to be fair was a bit selfish, but you are allowed to be a little selfish sometimes, aren‘t you?

Jean and Jeremy‘s apartment complex was a 15 minute drive away from the flat Aaron shared with his three roommates. Theirs was fanzier, obviously. After all Jeremy was a professional Exy player and Jean was some kind of semi famous artist or fashion maker or whatever. They could give Kevin the world. They could give him what he desereved. All Aaron had to offer was an apology and his love. No money. Not yet anyway. Just anxiety, depression and stress.

But if Kevin was willing to take his love, to give Aaron one more chance, he promised himself Aaron would make it count. He will tell Kevin how much he loves Kevin every single god damn day. Aaron will get therapy and work on his issues. Sober up and this time for good. He will do anything to be worth of god‘s love. Just that god in his case was a twenty two year old boy with black hair, forming soft waves at the end and a smile that will make the sun jealous. Eyes made out of smaragd. Lips so sinful and kissable.

Aaron sat down in front of the door, waiting for his courage to come back to him. He could do this. He would get his man back.

Hours passed, or maybe it were only minutes or seconds after all before someone came closer. Ever so slowly Aaron lifted his head, just to look in the ever so familiar green eyes, big with shock.

„You said to stop calling. You never mentioned face to face conversations“, Aaron said, his voice hoarse.

Kevin stared at him as if he was a ghost, a reminder of his past life, something he rather wanted to forget.

„Look I know I fucked up. I know I‘m not good enough for you. I know you deserve the world and I cannot give it to you. And when you look me in the eyes and tell me you don‘t feel anything for me anymore, no love or hate or affection or whatever humans feel, I will turn away right now and go and never come back. Never bother you again. But if you allow me to apologize, if you however decide to gieve me one last chance, I prepared this whole ass speech for you“

Aaron was sure they could hear his heart beating against his chest, roaring, screaming to return home. To return to Kevin where it belonged.

Kevin‘s eyes wandered to the floor, his fingers automatically closed around his left wrist. A nervous habit. Just another little part that makes Aaron‘s heart ache.

Slowly, almost painfully slowly, he lifted those unbelieveable beautiful eyes and met Aaron‘s golden ones. Kevin studied him and the world around them stopped.

Out of the corner of Aaron‘s eyes he could see Jean going still, his breathing too calm, too even. It‘s the same thing Andrew does when someone fucks with Josten. At least his death would be fast. Or slow. Whatever. Aaron didn‘t really care, without Kevin it wasn‘t worth anygthing anyway.

„Why“, Kevin said after what feels like forever, „Why would I forgive you? Why would I give you another chance? Why would you think you can come back here just to fuck me over again? Aaron I loved you, I really did. I always will. You were my first love and maybe, yeah maybe, my last one. But right now I can‘t. I just, I just can‘t. Please leave. Please leave me alone. For now. Maybe, one day we can talk about it. But right now I cannot handle the thought of you to leave me. To tell me all these beautiful lies, to cut me open and leave me to bleed out. I love you“, tears were running down Kevin‘s cheek. Tears Aaron one day, a long time ago, promised himself he would never let Kevin feel again. Pain. Sadness. Everything because of his failure, because of his weakness, because he‘s a fucking piece of shit.

„Thank you for giving me a reason to stay. Jusst remember that you were my light, my warmth, my happiness and I never stopped loving you. Never will. Please just be happy“, Aaron replied as he turned around to walk to his cars.

When he was sure he was out of ear shot, he let himself feel. Feel the pain. Feel the loneliness. Feel the numbness and the cold and the hatred. It was in that moment, that moment where he was alone and nothing more to lose, that he decided that it was enough. He would end it. End it tonight.

„Thank you“, he texted Taylor. „I‘m glad I didn‘t eat you in the womb“, he texted Andrew. „You were not so bad after all“, he sent to Neil. And lastly „Thank you for taking me under your wing“, to Nicky. They would understand. It would take them some time but in the end they would feel better. They would be happier without them. Because at the end of the day he caused them pain and wasn‘t really worth a thing.

So when he got in his car, tears running uncontrallably down his cheeks, he knew what he had to do.

[ughgclden]

bee, love, don’t apologise, please, it’s okay, and first and foremost, are you alright?? i hope you’re taking care of yourself, love, but i understand, i don’t think there’s been a year since third grade that i haven’t gotten pneumonia in the winter. I hope you’re feeling alright!!

honestly, dead poets society is one of my only personality traits anymore, i find myself drawing parallels to it constantly, for no reason but i love thinking about it. i’ve watched it so many times at this point, it’s,,, concerning. those tests always take me way less time than they give me, and i used to feel really awkward, i remember i took a bio one once, four hours they gave me, 45 minutes in, i was finished, and the moderator didn’t believe me. i aced it too, like the silly little neil kinnie i am. i’ve gotten used to the ‘worse’ side of being a neil kinnie, and honestly, now that my mum isn’t as controlling about everything as she used to be, it’s easier to deal with. i remember once, i’d gotten an 89 in algebra, and she threatened to pull me out of the fall show. that was a neil perry moment if i ever had one lol. the biggest thing these days is just imposter syndrome, imposter syndrome like oh you’re not hispanic enough, but also, you’re not queer enough, nonbinary enough, things like that. It’s exacerbated some days, but i try.

i watched the it movies on my cousin’s hbo,,, i may or may not have used it without her permission since she forgot to log out of my computer, but that’s neither here nor there. i remember having such a hard time taking the first one seriously initially, because of all the new kids on the block jokes, having a mum who was obsessed with them made it hard, especially when i actually got them all- in truth, the only midnight premiere i’ve been able to make was the force awakens, and i had school the next day too. i’m definitely a richie kinnie, and i have the internalised homophobia (only towards myself though) to prove it /hj my waterbottle has both a sticker of neil on it and a sticker of the r + e carving on it. in case there was any doubt about me lmao. stan kin makes sense for you, honestly, i can see it, i can see it.

okay so listen- no really, i’d bought them with the intention of only drinking half of one that night and spreading them out like that, but then came 9:45pm, and i had a research paper (on womens’ pockets/lack thereof) due at 10am that i simply hadn’t even started, so i downed them all in an hour and got the paper turned in at 5:56 in the morning. but i scare you huh? /hj bee, you’re too sweet, in truth, i’m fairly inelegant, but i try, as for the comforting and cosy, i’ll take you at your word, since that is something only someone interacting with me could discern. i do try to be kind to others for the most part. mainly i think because i’m usually on the other end of mean people.

i’m just perceptive like that bee, i dunno what to tell you, something just tells me, you know? /j and thank you, i always feel a little silly talking about it, because most of the tattoos i want are dead poets society tattoos, i guess some part of me, within the part of me that feels so incredibly tied to it, feels as if if i were able to get a tattoo i’d owe it to the movie in some way, if that makes any sense. i’ve already begged a friend of mine to go with me to get my first once i get to new york, the question though, is what to get first. i’ve got time to make a decision (for once in my life) i just spend a lot of time thinking about it.

honestly, i have never known a school rule to make sense. banning ripped jeans? banning dyed hair? it’s almost as if if they don’t stifle everything natural about kids expressing themselves they dont feel like they’re doing anything. but i digress. the same-sex couple rules were. awful. 12 year old me had enough going on without having an administrator yell at my friend and i for hugging in the courtyard and not leaving until we were a foot apart, but hey.

okay, jumping over a fence to go to a mcdonalds? how coming of age indie movie manic pixie dream girl of you /hj

200k words, is that a challenge? also ahaha not at all like my italian uncle up there just opened a ‘pizzeria’ /hj but mob!star au? might be a project i should start… granted, i’m not as good a storyteller as you, but i can try.

when i was little, i wanted to revolutionise things, i guess. i even actually wrote out a campaign, i wonder if its still somewhere. thank you for believing in me, but these days, bee, i’m thinking less about changing the world, and more about making it the next few weeks, and then the ones after that. little star was aware of so much, but also so little. i wonder what they’d think of me now, honestly.

i did, in fact, teach archery, it was so fun but my arms got SO SORE, and the kid who challenged my archery skills seemed surprised when i actually,, hit the bullseyes. my inner susan was happy then. incidentally the experience is also why i made a playlist called “touchstarved and wanting to teach you to shoot a bow” which low-key slaps when i’m lonely. and bee omg i cannot believe you said im better than susan pevensie i will be thinking about this for the rest of my life thank you- and yes, yes it was named aslan, however did you guess? /j prince caspian<33333

i’ll let you know my results from the tournament, as soon as they come out, and i say this having just put on pjs after taking off my suit, and sitting in the room with my cat in my dear evan hansen hoodie, frantically refreshing the results page because i’m anxious and impatient.

i hope you have a good night, with fitful and restful sleep, i’m sorry this got to be so long, but you know me, i certainly can talk. i’m honestly shocked i even made it to finals, considering i was running off four hours of sleep, having gone to bed at three last night. whoops.

all my love, hugs, and a warm mug of tea,

yours,

star✨

p.s i said yes so that?? happened?? it honestly feels surreal but we’re not gonna be in the same place anymore come the end of this year, so that’ll be something to deal with

P.p.s might just start adding spanish or latin or russian phrases to these if i keep having to translate your cute french bee /lh /hj

star my love, i know you said don't apologise, but i think the word 'sorry' makes up about 60% of my vocabulary. i'm okay!! was just a bit icky, but luckily i've recovered now!!

that's so nice - and again, makes so much sense for you. i think you would work perfectly in welton, i know it. i love bringing the messages from that film into my own life, as silly as it may sound. i'm astonished, and so fucking jealous of you. i used to finish tests maybe half an hour early, but hours is so impressive??? fun fact i did finish my physics final in about 45 minutes and slept for the other hour <3 neil would b proud my love!!! oh my god - i'm so sorry that happened??? but that is also so neil kinnie??? it seems futile me saying this, but i assure you that you are hispanic enough, and queer enough, and non-binary enough. you are enough, period. more than enough even. imposter syndrome is the worst, and i'm so so sorry you're dealing with it.

she did that to herself, you just saw an opportunity /lh a midnight premiere of the force awakens sounds so cute though omg - i hope you had the absolute best time. the r + e carving actually broke me. as a die hard reddie shipper since 2017, seeing the movie make it basically canon?! had me a mess in the cinema.

you are ridiculously comforting and cosy, everything about you feels like a warm hug from a familiar face and i love it. and the way you write is so smooth, it makes me think of a quill smoothly gliding across parchment, the deep black ink unsmudged and pristine. that seems a little pretentious of me, but oh well.

i also want some dps tattoos!! i desperately want "and still we sleep" from todd's poem, and was also so so tempted to get an outline drawing of meeks + pitts dancing on the roof. i love that, and i can't wait until the day you get it, whichever one it may be. my one concern is becoming addicted to them and making my bank account suffer - at least my piercing obsession is a little easier to fund /hj

i've NEVER gotten that - they claim it's 'distracting' but how on earth would it be?? when i got to college, no one was distracted by my dyed hair, and i certainly wasn't distracted by other people's outfits or painted nails. you were yelled at. for hugging. a friend.. what the fuck is wrong with these people??

just call me ramona flowers star /j it was possibly the highlight of my school career, sans hiding in the back room of the music room to avoid a maths test

i bet you're an amazing storyteller, if these letters are anything to go by. it would be a new york times best seller, i know it

we all have to take things one step at a time, i think. that's the only way i really get through things if i'm honest. one day after another and the cycle repeats. i love wondering what young me would think of me now - i'd probably be intimidated of myself, but i like to think i'd be proud that i'm still here, pursuing something i love

that playlist. sounds nothing short of sheer perfection. i too am touch starved and want to teach someone to shoot a bow - even though i.. cannot shoot a bow... but i can wield a sword so, it's close enough.

i saw your message about the tournament results - im so fucking proud of you!!!! you deserve it so so much and i couldn't be happier for you. see, your words and ideas are changing the world, even if you don't realise it.

ps; that is so fun???? omg im so happy for you star, you deserve tis <33 i hope towards the end of this year whatever happens leaves you both happy, no matter how far the distance.

pps; omg no.. please don't do that.. aha that would be awful... definitely wouldn't make my heart race.. haha not at all

all of my love, star. pardon the pun, but you are out of this world ;) i'll leave you with one of my favourite quotes;

il n'y a qu'un bonheur dans la vie, c'est d'aimer et d'être aimé <3

[staticscreenwriting]

thinking only autumn thoughts - Billy Hargrove

Synopsis: Autumn is magic. Billy is soft. 

A/N: I don’t even know what this is I just liked writing it. Please let me know what you think. Thanks :)

“October Country . . . that country where it is always turning late in the year. That country where the hills are fog and the rivers are mist; where noons go quickly, dusks and twilights linger, and mid-nights stay [...]

That country whose people are autumn people, thinking only autumn thoughts. Whose people passing at night on the empty walks sound like rain. . . . “

Hawkins Indiana isn’t a spectacular town by all means. It’s small and old and boring. It’s not particularly pretty to look at either with it’s peeling paint and rusty nails and dirty shop windows.

But there’s a certain time of year, just a few days almost over by the time you realize it, where things change. It’s a feeling in the air. A whisper in the wind. A scent that reminds you of childhood memories you thought long forgotten.

It’s when all is painted in the last hues of reds and orange but fall knows it’s time to go and let winter take over. The air is cold a crips and nips at your nose and blushes your cheeks but it’s still warm enough to take walks along the fields.

That’s when he met her. He was new in town and angry. Always angry. And sad. And she was — alive. Even now, years later, he’s not sure what he ever did right for things to fall into place the way they did that night.

He was hanging out at yet another party of yet another classmate he didn’t give a shit about. And he was miserable and bored and filled with teenage angst and repressed emotions. And there she was, in the middle of a crowd, ripped jeans and a madonna shirt and bright pink lipstick. Her hair was permed to the max and she wore the ugliest hoop earrings he’d ever seen. It wasn’t like he fell in love with her then, but there was something about her that intrigued him. She looked like a downright mess. Like she was the physical embodiment of how he felt inside. Hell, she was drinking one of those disgusting wine coolers. If that doesn’t scream misery to you, what does ?

He saw her again, a few days later. Sitting on the front porch of her house, just a few down from his. She looked sad again. Still beautiful. And when she caught his eye, she started to smile. Her hair was flowing in the wind and her cheeks were flushed and the tip of her nose was red from the cold and Billy, for the first time in his life, thought that maybe he was falling in love.

Things changed that day, when they started talking. About the weather and school and Hawkins and their shared hatred of the town and how all they wanted was to get out.

They spent that night together, at the playground behind their houses. Just talking. About the misery of a lost childhood and a fuck up youth. About their families and how messed up they were. About mother and the absence of those. About heartbreak and life. And love.

And since that night things were never the same again.

Every year for all the years he’s spent in Hawkins Indiana that was his favorite time. Because she seemed to come alive then. With her hair flowing in the wind and Halloween gone and forgotten and Christmas still a month away she was — almost weightless.

And every Thanksgiving, when the nuclear families stepped up a notch in pretending to be perfect, they’d suffer through a fake display of familiar love and comfort waiting for the right moment to slip away and meet up.

The diner was almost deserted that night, obviously. Families had better things to do than have their Thanksgiving meal at the local diner with the soggy fries and the burned burger patties. But to them it was good. It was everything.

He told her he loved her there. With the pink neon lights lighting up her face like she was a character in the Blade Runner movie.

And she told him she loved him back.

It was a good time in Hawkins, the bridge between fall and winter. Where things are cold but they felt so warm inside.

Only winter inevitably came. And it came with cold and fury and heartbreak.

It’s years later that he gets to witness another Thanksgiving in Hawkins. Another magical moment between fall and winter. Only it doesn’t seem to magical when he arrives.

The occasion isn’t a happy one to begin with. It’s not the long awaited bonding of his patchwork family. No. He’s not being welcomed with open arms.

He’s welcomed by a frail looking Neil in a hospital bed hooked to machines, connected by tubes.

His dad is dying. That’s the inevitable truth of it all and Billy has no idea how to feel about this. This situation is so strangely familiar but so very different.

When it was his mom, he was a kid and he didn’t know shit about life and death and mortality. He just knew that his mom was there one day and the next she was in the hospital and then she was dead and he was sad and angry.

This time he knows so much more but his head is still kind of empty. As is his heart. His mother’s passing hit him deeply. She was this wonderful woman who held nothing but kindness and love in her heart. Neil is an abusive asshole.

But he’s still his dad and no matter how much Billy tries to deny it, he’s still just a broken boy asking for a sign of approval, a hint of pride, a tiny sliver of love from his dad.

All he gets is a snarky remark about his new haircut and a snort when he tells Neil about his job at a center for troubled youth.

So he bids Max and Susann goodbye and goes to the one place that holds good memories for him.

Only when he enters the diner it’s not a good feeling that washes over him. There’s the nostalgia of what this place holds sure, but it all feels less magical and way more sad when he has to face it alone.

He asks for a piece of pumpkin pie, which he doesn’t even particularly like but (Y/N) always loved it and some stupid ass part of his brain thinks that maybe that can bring them closer even if she’s not here.

“ You look like you could use some company “ Clarice, the waitress says but Billy declines. Not because he doesn’t like her, in fact she’s always treated him nicely when im and (Y/N) came around, no he’s just really shit at small talk. And that’s what she’s gonna expect from him.

So she walks off and for a moment he’s left alone with his soggy fries and a U2 song playing over the stereo.

Then the clicking of heels catches his attention and it’s just ridiculous how fast his heart starts to beat when he looks up and is greeted by (Y/N) walking towards him. Like it hasn’t been years since they have last seen each other. Like they haven’t broken up a long time ago. Like their last meeting wasn’t yelling and tears and heartbreak and throwing clothes out of windows.

But it all feels like a lifetimes ago. Like it happened to two completely different people. And all that’s there right now is this immense warmth spreading through his body and consuming him.

“ Hi “ she says and smiles and suddenly the diner isn’t so sad anymore.

She looks so different. Her hair isn’t permed anymore and the lipstick is now red instead of hot pink and she’s wearing gold studs instead of pink hopps but there’s still that shimmer of wonder and passion in her eyes and she’s still smiling like the girl she used to be. She’s a different person now but she’s still everything good in the world. At least to Billy.

“ Hi “

“ Can I sit down ? “

What a question.

“ Of course “

They’re quiet for a moment but there’s a tension building. Like the air before a thunderstorm. Electric.

“ I like the haircut. It suits you, I always told you. “

She had. But the mullet was his thing. The physical rebellion against his dad’s stupid rules and restrictions. Also he looked fucking cool and anyone who says differently is clearly wrong.

“ Thanks. You look — “ Billy knows he’s biased.This girl is part of all his happy memories of the last few years. She could be wearing a paper bag and shave her head and dye her eyebrows green and he’d still think she is gorgeous.

“ — good “

That’s fucking lame, honestly. But his heart is beating way too fast to come up with a proper answer.

“ Clarice called me, thought you looked sad. Like you could use some company “

They just fall back into conversation, like nothing has happened. Like they’re old friends who don’t have a shit ton of baggage. Who don’t have a backstory. Who didn’t love too fast, too hard, too much.

“ … and he’s dying. We know it. He knows it. I just — I feel like I should be sad, you know ? Like I should feel something. But I don’t. I don’t even feel relieved I just feel indifferent “

By the time they get to his father’s condition they’ve shared 3 milkshakes and (Y/N) has finished his piece of pumpkin pie.

“ Does that make me a bad person ? A bad son ? “

When she places her hand on his in comfort, Billy thinks he might die of a heart attack. Also he thinks he’s being fucking ridiculous. What is this ? A stupid John Hughes movie ? Fuck no.

“ Absolutely not ! This man has been making your life a living hell, Billy. You don’t have to be sad about him dying. I mean I get why you’re not happy, he’s still your dad. But you don’t owe him sadness. You don’t “

He hasn’t realized until now but she’s right, he felt like he might be owing Neil a certain kind of reaction. Sadness or pity or a hint of gratitude for — well for what exactly ?

“ He might be your father but he never stepped up to actually do his job as a dad. You’re allowed to feel the way you feel about it. “

Life gets overwhelming for Billy a lot of times. It moves too fast and sometimes he feels like it’s all spinning out of control. Like the world is turning and he’s gonna fall off. And then his breathing gets fast and his heart starts beating and his palms get clammy.

A girl from the youth center, Emma, she feels like that too, she told him. She’s 7 and she’s smart and she’s dealing with a family so much like his own, it breaks his heart. “ But then I think of my sister and my friends and my favorite song and the feeling in my tummy when I ride the teacup ride at the carnival and things don’t seem so bad no more “.

Billy looks up at (Y/N) and thinks of what they’ve been through and kissing her for the first time and them dancing to time after time at the prom he didn’t even want to go to but did anyway and had a good time and about the feeling of holding her in his arms during those magical fall nights. And then things don’t seem so bad no more, indeed.

“ Why did we break up ? “

If he’s being quite honest with himself, he knows why. It’s not one specific reason but an amalgamation of so many things. They just seem so pointless and trivial in the grand scheme of things now that he looks at it all as an adult.

“ Because we sucked “

“ We didn’t “

“ Yeah we kinda did. Billy we were both so caught in our own teenage angst and felt so miserable all the time. We were toxic for each other “.

“ What are you talking about ? You were the only thing in my life that wasn’t toxic. You were the only good thing ! “

“ See ? That’s the problem. We were so dependent on each other. I was waiting for you to fix me and trying to fix you at the same time. That’s not healthy, Billy. “

It’s the truth now that he thinks about it. While they were together, Billy hasn’t really made a move on bettering himself, not really. Yeah he’d calmed down considerably but none of those positive changes he’d ever given himself credit for. It was her that changed him and her he changed for.

And maybe his love wasn’t what made her life better either. Maybe that was all her doing. Maybe it was just growing up.

“ Do you really think we were that bad ? “ he asks and he’s scared of the answer. He doesn’t for one minute think about her regretting their time together.

“ If you’re asking me if I would do it all again, knowing what I know now. Then yes. Because I loved you Billy and when we were good we were spectacular. “

A silence settles upon them again as Billy ponders about their relationship. He’s glad she doesn’t regret giving him a chance. He doesn’t think he could live another day knowing the one person that showed him love in the last decade regrets just that.

“ So I told you why I’m back, why are you back ? “

If there’s one person that hates Hawkins just as much as he doesn, it’s (Y/N). Seeing her back here all grown up and mature, really surprises him.

“ I felt homesick. I know my family isn’t perfect but ya know, distance makes the heart grow fonder and all that shit. “

He might’ve not seen her in years but Billy can still tell she’s lying. Some things never change.

“ That’s bullshit. You hated Hawkins, what changed ? “

(Y/N) cracks a grin because of course he could tell that she wasn’t honest. It’s Billy.

“ I don’t think I hated Hawkins as much as I hated myself in it. It was just easy to blame everything on the town and the people except of taking a look at myself, you know ? “

“ Sure, doesn’t answer the question though “

“ Well, remember after prom when we sat by the quarry and you asked me what I wanted to do after school and I told you I wanted to write a book and you told me you wanted to help kids who are going through what you went through ? “

“ I do “

It was the first night Billy ever told anyone about his plans for the future. He wasn’t really one to spill his guts to people, still isn’t. So this meant a great deal. Especially since he didn’t really believe his plan was ever going to come true anyway. But she had been so honest and vulnerable with him then, it only felt fair to give something back.

“ I have been trying to write this stupid book for years and I just feel blank whenever I start a new idea. So I really started thinking about what it is that I want to write about, what makes me feel. Sad, angry, happy — just anything, really. And it all came back to Hawkins. Hawkins and you “.

Billy doesn’t think he’s the kind of guy people write books about. He’s not special or intriguing or even particularly funny. But this is (Y/N) and she’s always seen him differently.

“ So I came back here, for Thanksgiving. For the red leaves and the cold wind and that short time a year where things seem — lighter”

So it isn’t just his nostalgia clouded imagination that makes that time of year look magical to him, if she feels it to it must mean something. Anything.

“ You were always happier that time of the year and I could never figure out what it was “

“ It’s when I met you “

It’s like a thunderstorm rolling through his body. Lighting strike to the heart. He’s played this scenario over in his head for so many times but never has he thought he was the reason for her happiness. That he made such a difference.

“ I still love you “

That’s the fundamental truth of it all, really. He loves her and he’s never stopped. Not saying it out loud seems like a disservice to both of them.

He’s not become a better man for her, he did that for himself. But the better man he is now, he’s deserving of her love. He’s someone that’s good enough for the woman she is now.

“ Do you think we still stand a chance ? “

She softly takes his hand in hers again, her hands still so much smaller than his and way softer, way warmer.

“ The kids we used to be ? Absolutely not. We can’t go back to that. But the people were are now ? I don’t see why not. I like who you are now. I like that you went out and did what you always wanted to do. That you’re so soft on the inside and loving and that you put so much effort into helping kids. I like that you still show up here when your dad is sick even if you have every reason not to. I could love you now. “

Really that’s enough for him.

“ Can I kiss you “

She nods and leans towards him. And she feels warm and tastes like pie and cigarettes and her.

And suddenly the magic was back, full force. And no winter and no cold and no frost would take it from him this time.

It’s another late fall a year or two later when they sit on a swing set much like the one behind their houses when they were younger and more bitter.

Her hair is still flowing in the wind the way it always did and he cheeks have not lost the subtle blush brought on by the cold.

One gloved hand holds on to the chain of the swing while the other grabs tightly to the book she’s reading from. Aloud and with so much passion and love in her voice, it makes Billy’s heart grow 3 sizes at least.

It’s a special time of the year for a different reason now. All of the year is magic now that they’re together again with no underlying anger no repressed sadness, no misery. Just them.

It’s special now for it’s when she holds the finished product of many sleepless night in her hands. Of tears and frustration and more love and passion and longing that she could ever properly describe.

And Billy, he holds the other special thing in his arms. The one that graced them just a few weeks earlier when the air was still warm. She’s tiny and perfect and she’s all Billy and (Y/N) ever wanted in life. It’s her first fall, her first time on a swing, softly rocking in her father’s arms. Her first spark of magic.

“ … and as they sit on the porch, coated in the golden glow of a setting october sun, all is well and warm in their hearts. For maybe obstacles had to be overcome and mountains had to be climbed in order to end up here. Sometimes people meet at the wrong time in life when things are cold and bitter and filled with a sadness that is too much for two people to contain. But sometimes, and they both know how rare these are, sometimes there’s a right time. A second chance. For people who are meant to be together. They were granted such a chance and so they took it, reaching out and grabbing it and never letting go, ever.

So that october evening, with the red sun setting upon the horizon they were both so very aware that with all odds against them, they still managed to come out just fine in the end. Like boats against the current they managed to reach the shore, not unharmed but alive. Maybe more alive than ever before.

And with the waves it washed away the hurt and the bitterness and all that was left was them and love and magic. “

When she finishes reading she looks up at him with a shy glance. She’s nervous. This is the most vulnerable she’s ever felt. This is years of work and dreams she’s been harboring for a lifetime.

“ Do you like it ? “

“ You wrote a book about us “ Billy says and smiles.

“ No “ (Y/N) replies “ I wrote a book about love, we just happen to have a lot of that in our lives. “

Hawkins Indiana isn’t a spectacular town by all means. It’s small and old and boring. It’s not particularly pretty to look at either with it’s peeling paint and rusty nails and dirty shop windows.

But there’s people here that can change things, that make it worth it. It’s a feeling in the air. A whisper in the wind. A scent that reminds you of childhood memories you thought long forgotten. It’s the smile on her face when she looks at Billy and the sound of his daughter’s heartbeat and the love that surrounds them. Always. He knows it sounds cheesy but there’s no denying that it’s all a little magical.

[deadmanzp]

aftg asks; questions by triquetrine

these are so interesting so i did all of them.. i want to come back after a year and see if id still answer the same! 

op is the post before this or also tagged “misc” 

neil josten: favorite/most iconic line?

first one that comes to mind I’m not sure is a favorite or iconic line? but it’s a line i think about a lot and it always hurts to read. it’s when they're at the cabin in TKM. 

“He didn’t care how much it hurt so long as he could pull Andrew closer, and he let Andrew take him apart until he couldn’t think anymore.”

that comes at the very end of Chapter 14 and gosh just the paragraph that line comes from and the paragraph before…. the fact neil thinks andrew doesnt care about him the way he cares/feels about andrew is like….. CMON MAN but also i just love the pining angst of it. i like this line especially because the line right before it mentions neil working his “bandaged fingers into Andrew’s hair”. so the “he didnt care how much it hurt” to me always carried a double meaning of 1. the physical pain he felt bc of his injuries but also 2. the pain of unfamiliarity abt his feelings towards andrew and thinking it was unreciprocal AND THAT HED HAVE TO “WARN” ANDREW like the implication.. of neil thinking abt their “relationship” possibly ending bc andrew doesnt feel the same and maybe wouldnt want to be entangled in whatever neil was feeling …… IM LIKE neil knows andrew so well and him being so sure abt this but hes like …. WRONG …. e

nathaniel wesninski: one thing you would change about the books? (plot, characters, etc)

there is very little id change about the books if at all. mainly bc while i know there are upsetting things that happen/the charas do, i think all of those things make the series really interesting to analyze and talk about. i will say a moment i hated was when neil touches andrews scars when andrew makes it clear he doesn't want neil to pry about them. i know neil offers his scars in turn when he's trying to convince andrew to let neil look over kevin but that was controlled. he let andrew touch them and find out about them of his own volition. neil touches something directly related to the trauma andrew had just experienced again when he had 0 permission to do so. while i always get mad at neil for this when i read it i still dont think id change it or get rid of it. im not really sure how id change it anyways and i think andrews relationship with his scars (and himself in general) is probably what allows him to brush it off(?)/never bring this up (plus maybe neil offering his scars was enough for andrew) but i havent thought too hard about this. but ya i remember i got rlly angry w neil the first time i read this scene and i still get mad abt it when i reread.

andrew minyard: if you could be friends with one of the characters, who would you pick?

i mean realistically i wouldnt be friends w jocks ILL BE REAL LOL and i think as much as i love the monsters, theres no way id be friends w them haha uhm but prob dan would be most realistic! maybe even katelyn tbh.. 

kevin day: if you played exy, what would your position be?

oh i think dealer! in sports i liked being able to do both defense and offense bc it made me feel i had more control over the field, like i could always do something if there were any holes

dan wilds: favorite moment/scene?

definitely the hotel reunion scene. theres so much to it; it drives me nuts!!!!! but honestly there are probably a lot of really good moments im forgetting. to me the whole series is really enjoyable and every scene has something i could say about it haha

matt boyd: song you would love to see in a live-action adaptation?

Oggghh this is so hard… esp since it takes place in 2007???? Idk.. iconic artists then i suppose ghfgkjhf BUT i think general vibes i think itd be so cool if paramore (time relevant), ptv (also time relevant), and mitski were on the soundtrack……. Ya…….. 

nicky hemmick: which made you more emotional, neil at evermore or neil in baltimore?

neil in baltimore for sure… neil at evermore i can't remember what i felt the first time i read it (maybe pain LOL bc he was doing it for andrew and i felt like riko wouldnt keep his promise) but in my latest reread i was unimpressed by it (mostly bc i think riko is boring and unimpressive). i think i mightve said evermore in the past though….. maybe... neil in baltimore is like … GOD neils emotions are so strong during all of that its really juicy haha. i think like him being angry bc he was on the cusp of having everything he couldve ever dreamed of; the desperation of wanting to fight back and get away; even just the fear of being in the same room as his father for the first time in so long... all really juicy 

aaron minyard: a character you will defend to your death?

defend…. im not sure is the word i would use and i dont think i really believe in defending any of these charas “to death” bc of how flawed and complex they are; id like to acknowledge when they did wrong. i think id “defend” any of the characters if i saw anyone misinterpreting or misunderstanding them.. theyre all really interesting even if they didnt get too much spotlight. except maybe riko. hes incredibly boring to me. and also nathan ig and any of his crew just bc there is Nothing abt them rlly...

katelyn: which minor character do you wish you could see more of?

uhhhmmmmmmmm hmmmmmm….. idk maybe… jeremy…. gjfjgkdngmdghs just bc him and kevin r so funny.. i was thinking maybe jean too but…… idk a diff kind of kevin relationship lol (yikes) (pain) but really im satisfied w jeans screen time. i think ichirou is interesting but again i think he didn't rlly need more. maybe erik actually. im interested to know what nicky is like with him :0

allison reynolds: favorite headcanon about the foxes?

actually something i recently thought abt was neil and photography. iirc? andrew gives neil a camera in the ec and i also imagine kevin eventually gets another camera too (i loved that detail when we saw his room at the nest) so i thought abt neil and kevin sharing/trading pics they take of (mainly) scenery. i imagine neil takes pics of anything he wants to remember/keep while kevin is more prone to taking pics of subjects related to some nerd history stuff (lol) so thats why they trade scenery pics mainly. but i like this small connection bc i want more to their relationship than their exy obsession and i imagine they have room for more now that riko is gone and i just like this other commonality btwn them. i think maybe they mail the developed pics to each other maybe w small descripts/notes but thats it. and i also imagine it kind of just is something that started happening.. neil and andrew r on a roadtrip and some building reminds neil of kevin so he snaps a pic and eventually sends it to kevin w some note. kevin replies 1. either a text being like that is nothing. > neil: shrugs brushes it off but figures he is welcome to send more when kevin sends his own picture back or 2. kevin simply replies back similarly w his own photo. i dont know.. maybe this goes beyond what their actual relationship would be like but i do like the idea of them just bein like… dude friends u know so i want them to have more than just exy and a traumatizing experience between them. 

as for common headcanons within the fanbase…. i do like the allison + neil haircuts thing.. although im not sure if i imagine it the same as most haha i feel neil would know how to cut his own hair from his life on the run (though theyre not Good or bad just like ok u know like passable generic w/e) i think hed definitely be tense the first couple times but he has experience w allison being close from needing to be covered up w make up after winter break so i think she would be allowed. 

renee walker: favorite non-canonical ship? (renison, jerejean, etc)

uhmm to be honest none really… im way too attached to canon to be able to dismiss any established relationships. i think kevemy (??? is that the name) is rlly amusing but i dont want them together necessarily haha i used to rlly like renison mainly bc im a lesbian and i want “main” chara wlw relationships lol but i recently read something abt how bi allison doesnt rlly sit well w some bc she outs andrew and neil during the hotel scene.. i also agree this is kinda :/ if she was bi Mainly bc i feel a lot of ppl (or at least this is what i gather from renison stuff ive seen) portray allison already being established bi? if this makes sense. i think if renison/allison realizing shes bi is a later development id feel better abt it but usually renison is already established so ya her outing them does bother me…. BUT aside from this, thinking about them as characters and what their partners (would) look like… im not sure if theyd rlly choose each other.. but i still enjoy seeing them together in art and in fic bc in the end…. im a sucker for women lol….

seth gordon: most underrated dynamic? (matt & neil, wymack & andrew, etc)

my first thought was wymack and andrew bc i rlllllyy like their dynamic especially after reading their ec stuff. i loved their first meeting (andrews terrible sandwich??!?fhdhfjd) and when andrew breaks into wymacks apartment BUT i think ppl mention them enough its not underrated. i Actually think renee and andrews dynamic/friendship is rlly underrated/overlooked!!! especially after reading the son nefes ec i love their dynamic a lot… 

some son nefes moments of them i liked:  tw // rape

renee convincing andrew to go with her to see matt after his trip to edens

how many knives do u carry / one more than u IS SO FUNNY and just andrews persistence abt fighting renee is also rlly funny to me

tw // rape : the moment when andrew asks renee if she killed her rapist/abuser that whole convo was good… 

their convo in the rain w their tea

i cant remember when this happens or rlly exaclty what was said but renee offers andrew something (some help??) and he says i dont need (w/e it was) and she says something along the lines of  i know but it wouldnt do any harm or SOMETHING like that.. i like this bc she acknowledges their abilities while showing shed still like to offer some help. im p sure she does this another time too (w neil???? or someone i cant remember maybe it was andrew again) and i remember liking it too. she has a way w words and talking (also seen in her convincing andrew to see matt)

BUT regardless of ec stuff i think their relationship/dynamic seen in the books is rlly good too. theres def enough to be intrigued by them and i always have been? so i'm reeeaallly happy son nefes exists i loved reading it..

david wymack: which ncaa team would you play for?

oh to be honest i dont rlly remember many of them but of the Three (ravens, foxes, trojans) prob trojans. i remember i even got them in a uquiz once… 

abby winfield: which character was the most realistically written?

first that came to mind was aaron actually.. i remember before when i didnt rlly like him or care abt him it was actually bc he was too “boring” to me. i always thought he had the most realistic reactions to things which is what made him boring to me amidst the ridiculousness of, well, everything in aftg lol… i still think he is really realistically written but now i dont think hes boring haha

besty dobson: how many times have you read the series?

fully i think…. only 3 times… i wish this were a higher count but i actually feel guilty everytime i try to reread it.

riko moriyama: coolest exy moment? (kevin’s last-minute point against the ravens, andrew shutting down the goal, etc)

uhhmm uhmm i def think kevin during the final game against the ravens…. hes so cool haha but i KNOW there were a lot of game moments that i thought were really cool so i cant rlly say…. oh also i love neil being defense in that game too rlly juicy wish i could pull up obscure moments bc i know i rlly enjoyed reading the games but terrible memory...

jeremy knox: which do you like reading more, domestic!foxes or chaotic!foxes?

uh i guess chaotic? not rlly sure exactly what that could entail but i do like… their chaos.. when they have fights and squabbles and stuff… this includes the high tension moments. ALTHOUGH i do like the tiny lines in the books when we see the monsters just doing like random basic everyday life stuff like playing video games or whatever. i like…. imagining them... fhdjfjshfjs… as for fic def chaos. i feel domestic is usually too softened….. 

jean moreau: favorite friendship?

oh i think this goes back to andrew and renee. but other than them… i do like neil and matts friendship.. though probably not the same as its typically portrayed 

[victor-v]

so yesterday i finished all for the game for the second time in my life (weird thing i've never read a book or series twice) and it wrecked me for the second time. it was unexpectedly nice that i actually understood everything with so much clarity, but that makes sense i've got lot of practice in reading english since then. also, i wrote my thoughts on the book this time.

i can't understand how a book can have such an impact on me, i hate that and i love it, everything else that crossed my mind is under the cut

★huh andrew really bullied aaron into dressing identical to mess up with neil

★"i don't swing either way" is the phrase that made me feel more valid that the whole queer community ever

★neil is pure nihilism

★how can i EVER forget neil wore a tight long sleeved TORN tshirt that andrew bought this is way too much

★seth is dead and all kevin can think about is the line up tbh i do that often

★they are making a scandal about how they sit

★kevin telling neil "destroy him" filled me with power

★the most unreal part is neil ALWAYS keeping his roots another colour the guy must dye his hair every fucking week

★how did neil buy andrew's promise to protect him from the japanese mafia's professional murderers when the only people he physically bullies is an obsessive young adult with anxiety, a princess in high heels and his sunshine sister in law

★wait a fucking minute andrew saw neil filled with terror while holding the phone and immediately gave him the car keys so he could be alone fuck

★nicky fucking hemmick attended to improv class

★ according to dan few athletes were crude enough to start trouble at an ERC event, you mean as crude as neil?

★how to take care of your teammate while he's in a crisis according to: andrew→show concern and reassure him. wymack→10 seconds of vodka

★"hey, jean. jean valjean" is peak comedy

★the ravens walking in v formation is genuinely the most cringy thing you can think of

★neil first finds out the only possible person to date him is andrew because he was jealous of renee are you kidding me

★andrew only missed 13 from 150 shots on goal for fucking real what a Man

★renee is an angel, she's specifically andrew's angel

★neil truly is a watcher

★bee wearing a bee costume is the only good thing on this world

★dan and matt dressed like greek gods!!!!! they can adopt me already

★can you believe nicky is the one who got into neil's brain and planted the idea of realying on someone, and since then neil actively pursues an investigation on andrew's relationship status how on god's name i missed that HOW he's not even subtle about it damn

★he first worries about renee now about kevin goddamn it josten how can't you se how much you care about him

★it's funny how sexuality is such a heavy topic between them when they sure as fuck have some pretty huge stuff going on you know like dying in the hands of the mafia or being tortured

★i imagine andrew running to renee all bonkers like "listen if the cute guy asks, for fucks sake tell him i'm gay but make it ~casual~ maybe this way he'll get it"

★the sole mention of thanksgiving dinner makes me want to die

★kevin is checking the scores in a newspaper I forget this book is so 00's

★they should have spent the day eating turkey and frozen pie at abby's fuckkkkkkkk

★are you kidding me they are in the middle of a conversation and andrew casually chokes neil a little but it's ok they carry on wtf

★"we are all going to regret this" is the fucking worse piece of foreshadowing in this book

★neil interrogating andrew the same night he was raped what kind of fucking piece of shit does that

★i can't fucking believe neil went ahead and shoved andrew's hand under his tshirt in front of kevin, wymack, betsy and two fucking lawyers are you kidding me

★neil asking "are we? friends?" to nicky is so relatable because i also would have an aneurysm if someone told me i am their friend

★someone else tries to flirt with him and he immediately considers andrew how i was too ace to see it the first time i read

★jesus fucking christ riko is one truly fucked up sociopath and neil is the bravest motherfucker on the land

★how can he face riko like that in the nest and be extremely pure in other occasion

★"are we watching the ball drop? i want to make a wish" he wants to make a wish and i want to die thanks

★i can't believe the whole if it means losing you then no and side effect of the drugs shit it's unreal fucking unreal how oblivious neil is too ace to realize anything SOMEONE JUST CALLED YOU "DREAM" THE LEVEL OF ROMANTICISM

★the amount of heavy staring in this trilogy is ridiculous and all i can think about is twilight

★these books made me see how far from the 00s we are, for many reasons, but mostly for some jokes that can't let slide; like calling neil a battered wife, domestic misogynistic violence is not a joke

★i can't believe from all people, wymack was the first one to get andrew was into neil

★"that doesn't mean I wouldn't blow you" is such a funny phrase to be said casually why is it

★"you are a racoon, not a fox" oh andrew

★it only took andrew admitting he had a crush for neil to be all sentimental and shit, and that disarmed andrew too

★they are like some kind of animal that while you think they are fighting, they are actually mating, that's exactly what nora meant with feral

★half of last book is neil mooning over andrew jfc

★nicky made neil smile while distracting him from riko im gonna throw myself off a cliff

★i can't quite believe neil goes through a detailed monologue about andrews memory the man is impressed and borderline turned on about every talent on his crushe's shelf

★i literally can't follow and will never understand the quarrel/promise/agreement between aaron and andrew what a bunch of pretentious idiots

★every time neil's phone buzzes all i fear is the fucking countdown

★i thought "i want to see you lose control" was a collective fever dream i can't believe it's written on the books

★if i was nicky i already have told andrew to stop his freaky pretentious shit towards me

★neil to the upperclassman: ha ha fellas is it gay to unthinkingly call andrew in the middle of a anxiety breakdown

★"you gave me a key and called it home" is as soft as heartbreaking i want to jump off a cliff

★"i won't be like them, i wont let you let me be" is actually pushing me off that cliff andrews feelings are a fucking storm

★neil was kidnapped and tortured the day of my bday and that's not a coincidence

★neil's talent to twist the truth in order to convince andrew of anything is outstanding

★excuse me they have no right to be this soft i hate them

★they miss so many opportunities to be funny about the whole "protection" thing

★did he really had a mental breakdown over where to fucking sit on the bus lmao

★"don't come crying to me when someone breaks your face" is the second most awful piece of foreshadowing

★lets be honest for a second andrew should be a fucking writer because all those things he says? edgy myspace pretentious poetry

★im sorry but i don't care about literally anything except neil smiling onto andrew's neck bye

★andrew ghosted a kiss across neil's hip im dead for real

★abby kissed neil's forehead farewell after cleaning all his injuries i have no words he's recieving all the affection he deserves

★cant believe you don't see aaron is fucking worried neil is taking advantage of andrew

★i mean yeah ok don't talk love but neil is sad that nicky thinks it was only hate sex, and he immediately acknowledged it meant more than that to him bc his demi btw wtf does hate sex mean i can't believe you hate someone so much you wanna suck his dick

★they all went horseback riding when will i have a group of friends like that

★"who's humanising who in that relationship" i know right nicky

★kevin locking himself to have a panic attack is the most relatable thing

★the car encounter with ichirou holds the same tension as a mr robot scene

★the proposal of playing olympics and being unstoppable feels like marriage or smth

★neil is literally having his hot girl summer

★i adore neil's overflow of emotions after swallowing everything for so many years. represented, thanks.

★andrew terrorising katelyn who the fuck does he think he is what an annoying asshole

★"did you know i've never been skiing" is the most epic line

★i cheer to the sole mention of laila

★alvares can deck me right now and i would say thank you

★"war is profitable" aaron knows what's up

★sometimes i want to slap them is2g

★that scene at eden's where they are all discussing how roland found out and aaron ends up being the only straight one lmao boy it's your punishment for being so homophobic

★the whole "deadliest piece on the board" spech is 100 times better when you consider kevin was wasted and overly exaggerating every word and gesture

★can you imagine those few fans supporting kevin's new tattoo screaming YAAAAASSSSS QUEEEEEEEEEN while snapping fingers i'm cackling

★matt in court body slamming into anyone that's been a problem to the foxes: VIBE CHECK MOTHERFUCKER

★neil kissed andrew in castle fucking evermore the audacity i adore him

[arimendoza]

Andreil for the "Taking a class and not talking it seriously" one. Bonus points if they are both forced to go by someone else!

andreil + we both decided to take a [yoga/fencing/cooking etc] class and we’re the only two assholes not taking it seriously and everyone else is giving us dirty looks but we keep grinning over at each other 

notes: slightly tweaked so that it’s more of a first meeting au, and they don’t really grin all that much lol akdjjgj actually tbh this barely follows the prompt except theyre both in a class iM SORRY I TRIED,,, also this is kind of long rip idk if it even makes sense or has a real plot or point to it but hey look at the smols dancing amiritei’ll make it up to u w a pt 2

Neil having been willing to make the decision of attending a dance class was a ridiculous thing to believe. Absurd, really.

Yet there he was, clad in faded gray sweats and a loose fitting shirt with an expression so dead and scowl so prominent that those within five feet of him could do nothing but offer either tentative smiles or feign ignorance. 

Next to him, Jean was in no better shape, but Renee was calm as ever, unperturbed by their attitudes. 

“I do not understand as to why we agreed to do this.” Jean whispered.

“Because we couldn’t say no. Why are you speaking in French?”

“…I do not wish for the little one to hear.”

Neil’s scowl softened ever so slightly, amused by the remark. Before he could reply, however, Renee spoke. “Who’s little?” 

Neither of them gave a reply, deciding to awkwardly wait for the class to start instead. 

The instructor ended up being a pretty blonde Neil somewhat recognized, perhaps from a magazine, but couldn’t place a name to. She walked into the room loudly, confidently, footsteps echoing as she all but commanded the room into a buzzing silence. 

Neil had managed to come to a short realization that she was most likely the reason the three of them were here today before the buzzing silence erupted into a sort of chaos. It was the type of chaos that came unexpectedly and unapologetically, with so much current and electricity that Neil was certain he could feel it running in his veins. 

“A Hemmick and half a Minyard. Where’s the better twin?”

“Fuck off, Reynolds.”

“Sorry we’re-”

“Late. Like you are every week. And also like every week, you’re either going to get out or get your assess inside. You’re holding up my class.” She turned to the rest of them. “Hello, I’m Allison Reynolds, and welcome to contemporary dance.”

Neil watched  as the two made their way towards the back and beside him. The hum of a current, however, was still running through him, and he felt his skin prickle with anticipation at what felt like a coming storm.

Though to shelter himself or to face it head on, Neil was never quite good at figuring out. 

“Nice of you to join us, Andrew.”

“Of all people, I thought you’d be the one to appreciate the aestheticism in lateness.”

Allison rolled her eyes, a biting remark already at the tip of her tongue. Just a second before its delivery, however, Andrew’s eyes met Neil’s, and he was certain that her was no sheltering himself from the storm. The downpour had already begun. 

“Andrew, just get to the back already so we can start.” 

Start they did, with simple warm ups and a short introduction on contemporary dance. Allison was all graceful steps and fine angles, her movements sharp and precise. She seemed feather-light, lost in her own world, expression solemn. Neil wondered how he would be expected to perform in such a raw manner, and with the way Jean’s lips were pursed, eyes narrowed ever so slightly, Neil could tell they were sharing the same thought. 

“If you two aren’t comfortable,” Renee whispered towards the end of Allison’s routine, “you don’t have to force yourselves.”

“It is fine.” Jean told her. “Maybe a bit uncomfortable at first, but we have handled worse. We will tell you if we need to stop.”

Neil nodded his reassurance. “I’m fine.” 

And he really was for the first half, staying in his group, making sure not to trip over himself or others. He did his best to avoid anymore contact with Andrew. Neil refused to be swept up. I’m fine, he told himself over and over, pulling at the words that he had etched into himself for as long as he can remember. So long as we don’t have to-

“Get into pairs, please! Quickly!” 

Renee stood between him and Jean, and Neil could practically feel the quiet panic rising inside the other boy. Though Jean’s strength was never in question, Neil was aware of a sort of fragility there was to his character. The two of them had experienced their own hells, but Jean was still learning to push his own boundaries, to trust those around him, to assert and vocalize his opinions, establish a present voice.

Neil, well, he never really had boundaries to begin with when it came to assertiveness. It came with the attitude problem. 

Ultimately, this was how he decided to let Jean go with Renee, promising her half-heartedly that he’d look for someone else to dance with. Neil let himself wander the room aimlessly for a few seconds before attempting to slip out quietly. 

The door, however, was blocked by what Allison had referred to as “a Hemmick and half a Minyard.” 

Neil couldn’t help himself. “Where’s the better twin?”

The taller one laughed, but the other didn’t so much as deepen his scowl, sizing Neil up before making a gesture. Neil stared, perplexed for a brief second before realizing what, or rather who the gesture was for.

“It’s rude to leave unannounced.”

Neil turned to face Andrew with every intention of rebutting his statement, but instead all that came out of his mouth was, “It’s also rude to arrive late.”

Andrew’s expression was blank, uninterested, as if Neil’s words were nothing but white noise, but Neil noticed a slight flicker of emotion in Andrew’s eyes, almost as if they were a trick of the light. It was not amusement, Neil wondered if he were even capable of such a feeling, and definitely not exasperation. The closest thing Neil could relate it to was something like recognition, though of what, he couldn’t say. He doubted he’d ever see it again anyway.

“What do you want?” He tried. Neil figured that if he planned to make this conversation the least bit fruitful, straightforwardness was the way to go. Andrew didn’t seem the superfluous type.

Andrew sighed, as if the answer were obvious. “To dance.”

Neil just stared, caught off guard by the reply. “You want to dance?”

“Yes, but you see, this exercise requires a partner.”

“And you want me?”

“’Want’ is overstating it a bit, don’t you think? It just so happens Allison is preoccupied.”

Neil filtered through his options. The door was still blocked by Andrew’s groupies, Jean and Renee were rehearsing a routine under Allison’s instruction, the rest of the class was blissfully unaware of the situation at hand, and the closest exit was out a window. 

Neil had jumped out worse, but he figured no one would appreciate the action right now. Besides, despite the wariness Neil felt around Andrew, he didn’t necessarily consider him to be anything other than perplexing, if not also a bit irritating. 

Dangerous, too, perhaps, seeing as how the Hemmick boy, or anyone else in the class for the matter, could barely meet his eyes. 

Neil could also sense, however, that this was a challenge. Back down from the storm, or risk being whisked away by it? Neil was never quite good at figuring out such choices, and he never quite liked dismissing a challenge either. 

And so, sheltering be damned, Neil took a step towards Andrew, and another, until he passed the other boy by barely an inch, extending his hand out behind him in mock invitation. 

“Are we dancing, or what?”

[ravenvsfox]

Can you make a couples post about Kevin and thea please make it up as you go along if you have to, please. I love your writing and ideas.

thank you lovely, i’ll try my best bc they’re so good

SEND ME A SHIP AND I’LL TELL YOU…

who is more likely to hurt the other?

I think kevin is an ~idiot and he’d probably say something thoughtless about Thea’s form 

I also think that he canonically abandoned her without a single fucking word when he left the ravens and that a lot of her anger after that comes from hurt

I think they’re both pretty damaged and susceptible to hurt tbh, but kevin doesn’t seem to understand when he’s hurting people

who is emotionally stronger?

proooooobs thea I mean. she braved the nest and came out the other side with her head on straight. she did not for a second let kevin fuckin day get to her. she’s still soft on the inside, and exy’s become kind of a coping mechanism in a lot of ways, but she’s less obviously fucked up by the moriyamas then kevin is (simply bc she was less important to them yikes)

who is physically stronger?

THEA BOYYYYY this isn’t even up for debate!!!!! neil describes her as being built like a tank, she’s an unstoppable fucking powerhouse on the court, we’re talking serena williams’ body type, just like.. immovable and gorgeous. kevin is so shaken he’s in love w her muscles..... he wants to be knocked to the fucking floor by her....... she fires a ball into his helmet so hard that it cracks and he pops a boner

who is more likely to break a bone? 

hilarious im gonna say the boy w the infamously broken hand 

who knows best what to say to upset the other? 

good question I have no fucking clue they can both be dicks if the situation calls for it

I’m going to say that thea knows what to say to give kevin mad cold shoulder and she can smoke him out in a SECOND if he’s being a dick like she knows when to ignore him and when to back him into a corner

but kevin tends to be unnecessarily rude more often. he’s mean bc he knows that it gets results. thea does not tolerate him bringing this attitude home w him

who is most likely to apologize first after an argument? 

neither? bitch?? if both of them believe they’re right there are gonna be exactly zero (0) sorry’s

I do think they’re probably softer w each other when they’re one on one and I’d be willing to bet that their arguments end with kevin explaining things to death and thea listening and narrowing her eyes a lot and holding the front of his shirt bc she’s mad but she still wants contact and they kiss and make up w out actually ever saying the words

who treats who’s wounds more often? 

I think in the nest you’ve gotta take care of each other, so they both learn to sit the other down and hold gentle hands to the injured person’s sternum to keep them down, and they sit and wrap gauze. it’s v intimate. they probably did it for the first time when thea was playing for the ravens and kevin had yet to debut on the raven line, and there was enough of an age difference between them that it was pretty innocent. thea was overworked and hit for her trouble and kevin came up bc he was terribly impressed by her and a little bit in love and he dabbed at her cuts like the clumsy 17 year old that he was

who is in constant need of comfort? 

it’s mutual bc their pasts are mutual, but I’m willing to bet that it’s kevin who wakes up sweating and crying, & thea knows how to give enough distance and turn on the lights so he remembers where he’s not. He was in shackles for longer. he still kinda hates himself sometimes. thea strokes the chess piece on his cheek and tells him that he checked riko straight to hell

who gets more jealous? 

shit man idk?? neither of them really have room for anything in their lives other than exy and each other (and reluctant connection w teammates/family) so there’s not a lot of jealousy fodder. and they’re never gonna be jealous of the other person caring more about exy than them bc like. that’s understood. if I had to guess I might say thea’s jealous of the world falling all over themselves to get a glimpse at Kevin Day you know

who’s most likely to walk out on the other? 

I hate to say either bc they’re a really good match and I feel like they’d bounce back really easily, but it’s possible that they fade away from each other when they’re getting their footing on their respective teams. thea can feel herself getting distracted and she pulls out. kevin shows up like???? >:( and they make up on the spot

who will propose? 

probably kevin bc he does the math and realizes that thea is the best thing that’s ever happened to him in his LIFE. he’s probably 10 shots of vodka deep and he looks up suddenly like :O wait a second she’s perfect??? how do I keep her? and nicky has to be like dude.. have u heard of marriage..... it’s nifty and it’s been legal for you straight people for a bajillion years

who has the most difficult parents?

i know literally nothing about thea’s parents but considering jean’s family was a shitty mess that got caught up in the moriyamas I’m assuming most or all of the ravens are in similar situations?? they play for.... the mafia.....

so unless they’re saints, they’re definitely not better than david wymack can I get an amen

who initiates hand-holding when they’re out in public? 

im trying to picture them holding hands........ I think they would in a like... come here! hurry ur ass up! kind of way like thea spends all her time dragging kevin’s oblivious ass around

who comes up for the other all the time? 

considering neither of them mentioned each other or their relationship for like two books........ idk

i bet you in an easier world it would be kevin though. (my gf is beautiful and strong. she could obliterate u w one swing of her racquet. she wears pretty pastels on her face. i want to kiss her)

who hogs the blankets? 

don’t tell but kevin’s obsessed w feeling coddled and warm and I’m willing to bet that he hogs both the blankets and the woman until thea is also bundled up. i hope they learn to cuddle. I bet they’re rlly bad at it at first but it gets easier and more constant over time

who gets more sad? 

again like. I know v little about thea’s background but if she’s in the nest she’s in deep shit. the both of them were assets that had their lives manipulated out of their own hands. kevin’s wound is open and thea’s is poorly sewn up and neither of them are doctors tbh it takes time and professional help until thea can take her old jersey number off of her necklace and replace it with a chess piece pendant (3 guesses which one)

who is better at cheering the other up? 

they’re reeeally bad at this tbh both of them are like ‘uhhhh... don’t cry.. please..rlly.. stop’ spoilers it’s bc they’ve never been properly comforted themselves :))))

BUT as time goes on kevin starts clumsily recreating things the foxes have said to him and it’s really sweet, and thea can be v mellow when they’re alone together, so she’ll take his bad hand and massage the tension out of it, and smooth his hair back and tell him what an idiot he’s being but like.. fondly

who’s the one that playfully slaps the other all the time after they make silly jokes?

nope

who is more streetwise?

I still know nothing about thea but I’m willing to bet that it’s her bc she’s been out in the world for longer?? idk where she was before evermore but she’s already building a life for herself after it when we meet her. kevin’s fresh out of it. he’s messed up but he was messed up indoors under lock and key. all he has now is a little experience from columbia and from watching andrew

who is more wise?

tough to say? I get the feeling that thea knows better than kevin? idky she just..... knows

he’s oblivious at best tbh he knows obscure facts and exy exy exy. thea does too but she also has that practicality and survival baked into her. she seems sharp to me

who’s the shyest? 

not really shy so much as unwilling to show mmmmm anything about themselves until they’re in deep. Thea comes in and orders neil out of the room the first time she meets him ! like she has every right to be pissed but she doesn’t seem stressed that she’ll be disobeyed or come across as rude. I think she’s familiar with being listened to. kev has that sickly media personality and a seven layer cake of repression underneath that so..

pick ur poison. they’re both mostly bravado anyway

who boasts about the other more? 

again, in a perfect world, kevin’s bragging about thea

but as is thea gets all these questions about kevin in interviews and she’s like “hi we’re here to talk about me” but if they ask the right question she’ll get this sly smile and drop them some subliminal messaging type hints about their relationship and move on

kevin’s more sputtery and obvious about thea. she’s his weakness

who sits on who’s lap?

I bet it’s both bc kevin’s obsessed w thea’s thighs on either side of his lap & her weight on top of him and thea likes how pliant and focused kevin gets when he’s looking down at her

[littlespoonevan]

you saved my life with and we'll be running. THAT WAS SO GOOD!!! I mean, my life will never be the same again!!! you write so well!! any chances that you write the scene wheres andrews plays talk me down in his pov?? pal i almost cried in that scene, TMD is my favorite song!! thank you so much for writing this fic!! i love you. and i will stop being creep now, im just excited

i mean first of all, thank you so much holy shit???????????? that’s such an amazing compliment????? i’m really glad you enjoyed it :’) second of all i’m sorry this took so long but jfc writing this scene from andrew’s pov was so hard??? like i found it difficult enough to write from neil’s pov without also trying to get into andrew’s head? but i tried my best so i hope it’s what you’ve been looking for!!!

song used is Talk Me Down - Troye Sivan

*

Andrew feels the panic that has been seizing in hischest the last couple of days unwind just the slightest bit when he finally hasNeil safe and whole in his apartment and he hates it.

He hates that Neil has affected him so deeply. Thathe’s somehow managed to dig his fingers in and burrow beneath Andrew’s skin tothe point where Andrew feels a bone-rattling terror at the thought of losinghim.

He thinks he might hate it more because he knows hefailed Neil.

He promised to protect him. He promised Neil thatRiko wouldn’t touch him and he failed.Neil almost fucking died because of him. He hates the way he feels about Neil.He hates Neil. But mostly, he hates himself.

His knuckles are white where they’re clenched aroundthe notebook in his hand and it takes all his self-control not to rip it toshreds and light the pieces on fire. He doesn’t like looking at it; he usuallyonly ever reaches for it in the dark – when he can’t sleep and his defences arelowered just enough that he feels like writing something down.

When he hears the front door click shut after Abbyand Wymack he carries himself into the living room where Neil has set up campon his couch. He looks too small still, small and fragile with a bruise on hischeekbone and a split lip.

Andrew forces himself to throw the notebook into Neil’slap even though parting with it makes him feel sick. He might as well have sawnoff his arm and handed Neil that instead – though he thinks even that might notbe as revealing as what he just gave Neil.

Neil stares down at it, perplexed, hand sliding overthe cover and making Andrew want to shiver as if Neil had touched his own spineand not the book’s. “What’s this?” Neil asks finally, gaze wandering back up toAndrew’s.

“You wanted to see my songs.” The words taste likeash on Andrew’s tongue but he forces them out anyway.

Neil’s eyes drop right back down to the notebook,mouth forming a tiny ‘o’ shape as he stares at it with new kind of expressionon his face – somewhere between shock and confusion.  “Why are you giving this to me?”

Andrew huffs, hands clenching and unclenching at hissides as he looks for a way out. Finding none, he settles on, “I broke mypromise.”

Neil’s head snaps up so quickly Andrew’s surprised hedoesn’t wince at the feeling of it. “No you didn’t.” He stares at Andrew and,finding no change his expression, presses on. “Andrew, no you didn’t. Riko’s the one to blame here and as far as I’mconcerned he got his penance. This isn’t my fault and it’s not yours either. Incase you’re forgetting, you’re the one who found me.”

He’s earnest and fervent and so fucking stubborn,Andrew can’t stand him.

“Because Jean and Kevin-“

“And who else was quick enough to lose the thug Rikohad following them?” Neil challenges. “If you hadn’t gotten to me as fast asyou did who knows what would’ve happened?”

Andrew glares at him, swallowing down the venomcreeping up his throat. “I promised you I wouldn’t let him touch you.”

“And he won’t anymore,” Neil says simply, quieterthan they’d been talking before. He looks down at his lap again, index fingertracing over the cover once more before he does something Andrew doesn’texpect. He holds the notebook back out to him.

Andrew stares at his outstretched hand. “You wanted-“

“Not like this,” Neil shakes his head. “I want toread your lyrics but only if you want me to. Not because you’re punishingyourself.”

Andrew fucking hates him. He hates the way Neil canread him so clearly without even having to try. He snatches the book back whenhe decides he can’t look at Neil anymore and storms out of the room.

His own bedroom feels claustrophobic with the doorclosed but he needs to be alone. He spends the afternoon in there with thecurtains drawn, sitting in the darkest corner of the room while he tries to makesense of the tangled mess of his head. Neil makes him feel things. Things henever wanted to and never knew he could feel. He’d thought this part of himselfdied long ago, until Neil had stumbled into his life and suddenly turned thevolume up full blast.

He leaves his room once to make sure Neil eats but hecan’t stay in the living room with him while he does.

Panic is still clawing at his throat, twisting him inknots so tightly he feels he might choke with it.

He lies on his bed when he returns to his room, eyesfixated on the nightstand where he’d dropped the notebook earlier. There’s asong in there, words that had been niggling at the back of his head for toolong. Words that he’d very briefly spilled to Neil one day on a plane with apen in one hand and Neil’s palm in the other.

The thought of singing it scares him in a way thatheights never have.

But the fact that part of him actually wants Neil to hear scares him even more.

It’s hours later when he’s about to go to bed that hemakes a split second decision and goes to the living room instead. Neil isstill awake, doodling in his own notebook, and he startles when he noticesAndrew.

“Come on,” Andrew says before walking away again,tracing a familiar path through his apartment until he reaches his music room.

Neil finds him not long after, already sitting on thepiano bench and staring at the keys like they’ll have an answer for him.

“I didn’t know you played,” Neil says quietly andAndrew glances at him over his shoulder, only looking away when Neil drawscloser.

“Sometimes,” Andrew admits, moving to one side of thebench so Neil can sit beside him.

He watches the way Neil’s fingers caress the keys,not pressing down, just ghosting over them in something like curiosity. Oradmiration.

“I told you I finished the lyric.” Andrew saysfinally and Neil turns to him.

“Andrew, you don’t have to-“

Andrew shakes his head because if Neil talks he’llnever work up the nerve to do this ever again. “Just- shut up.”

Neil stops and Andrew looks away from him, focusingon the keys instead. It’s the only thing that lets him play. He blocks Neilout, spreads his fingers out over the keys and opens his mouth to sing.

“I wanna sleep next to you  But that's all I wanna do right now  And I wanna come home to you  But home is just a room full of my safest sounds…”

He can feel Neil’s eyes onhim and it makes the hairs on the back of his neck stand up but he forceshimself to continue.

This is about Neil. But it’salso about him a little bit.

It’s Andrew taking thatstep off the ledge and letting himself fall for once. He’s letting Neil knowhow he feels about him in a way they both understand. But he’s also lettinghimself just- feel. He’s not choking back the words or hiding them beneath amask of impassivity. He’s just being.

He thinks idly Betsy wouldbe proud of him.

He sings, “Come overnow and talk me down,” and part of him still shrinks away from how true thewords are. How there’s a pressing, intrusive thought at the back of his headthat’s just begging Neil to save him. He doesn’t need saving and he doesn’tthink Neil could anyway even if he tried; Andrew is definitely too far gone.But asking Neil to simply be there feels just as vulnerable.

He finishes the song witha lump in his throat that he pointedly ignores, voice trailing off until it’shardly above a whisper by the time he reaches the final lyric. His fingersstill on the piano and he holds himself frozen, staring at the music sheetswith unseeing eyes while he processes what he’s just done.

Neil’s fingers are cold onthe underside of his chin and gently tilt Andrew’s head until they’re gazesslide to meet one another.

“Thank you,” Neilwhispers, a quiet kind of incredulity in his voice. “You were amazing.”

Neil’s gaze flickers fromAndrew’s eyes to his mouth and he takes an agonisingly long time to close thedistance between them. But when he does it feels like the moment after anexhale, like the moment of coming up for air after you’ve been holding yourbreath for too long.

Andrew’s never been sograteful to take a breath in his entire life.

*

[motherofkittens94]

game squad

- the lads

Andrew

angry boy - dont let the smile fool you 

ice cream hog 

“i dont care “- (actually does care-cares very much)

100% 

cat person 

Aaron and Katelyn is his notp that everyone else ships 

he protect but also protect him 

surprisingly popular 

Aaron

a lonely boy pls notice him

needs reassurance maybe a hug 

2 cool 4 med school  

“alright ill go-but im gonna complain the whole time!’

embarrassed by everything except his own terrible dance moves

secret andrew fan club member but would never admit it to anyone especially not Andrew 

Neil 

edgy boy - but secretly catches too many feels 

“im fine”- ( isn't fine is never fine ) 

sports or death!!!! 

makes short people jokes like he aint 5 foot 3 and the 3rd shortest 

does not shut up. ever. like gold medal in mouthing off. goddamn 

Andrew is bae 4 lyf 

founded Andrew fan club 

kev 

absolutely zero chill at any given time 

the grind never stops 

always drunk 

dont make fun of him he is sensitive 

trying his best 

major history nerd-i can relate 

drew fan club president 

Nicky 

the unofficial dad friend -  especially for the twins 

inappropriate jokes 24/7 

no longer allowed to drive Andrews car 

ships himself with Neil and lowkey kev also but would never cheat on his actual bf

only one who will dance with Aaron 

gets offended on their behalf when people cant tell which twin is which

just wants everyone to get along like they used to in middle school 

seth 

“stupid bastard”

an asshole

hated everyone except Allison and maybe matt 

been dead for ages 

????  thats all i got on Seth soz 

 matt

nice guy -as in genuinely nice 

kind and caring friend 

the lads dont deserve him 

only one who isnt a twat at any point

too good for this bunch of assholes too pure

drives a truck 

6 foot 5 but will still hide behind Andrew in fights 

Roland 

everyones pal

bad at following instructions lol 

has no surname ??at all ? or even middle name his name is just Roland

sorry im not over that

cracking open a cold one with da boys 

`so about those padded cuffs’ ;)                                    

#Andrew and Aaron protection squad - bless 

wymack 

actual dad of the group

pretends he isnt -unsuccessfully 

doesnt get paid enough for this 

tries to not get involved-unsuccessful 

`what the flying fuck have you done this time’

all his threats are empty and everyone knows this

once got handcuffed to Andrew because “Andrew was being problematic” 

Jeremy 

cool dude 

good sportsmanship tm

happiest person in the whole series 

good vibes only -you are valid 

wait where did he go 

oh he is gone 

the lack of Jeremy is unfair and i want my money back 

Riko

sports king

nasty bastard

sports hero turned villain 

ive had enough of this dude 

seriously he is fucked up 

do not trust him 

definitely dont spend christmas with him 

Jean

a very sad boy help him 

no!! i said help him not hurt him ffs 

he is suffering

done with everyone's bullshit 

he did nothing wrong leave him alone 

the most important thing is that he survived 

back by popular demand