#im realizing how much i rely on like. cheating? and stuff like that and im somehow afraid of going back to school because i wont be able to

[marinazone]

What's been bugging my brain recently

Boy oh boy where do I start. Well I suppose I'll start with a little bit of context. Hi! My name is Hunter (if you never knew my real moniker, not many do even if i tell them); and I have been in a disastrous...what could only be described as love illness, since February 28th. Before i explain why (if you dont already know) allow me to provide my full experience with love. When i was in 12th grade i was used as rebound for a girl named Nicole after her boyfriend had broken up with her. It was the first time i had ever gotten to feel love, the expectations of what i should expect were to be established from then forward. We talked a lot asked eachother how we were doing shared similar interests that kinda shit. It was cool, the sex was lukewarm at best but it felt nice to feel appreciated. Thats when her emotional manipulation began. She would be in low points that i attributed to depression. I always told her "go get help for your depression, itll only get worse" all of which she militantly ignored to the point where she told me she was being physically abused by her family. Naturally, stupid me, believed her and grew more and more attached and protective and i didnt find out til after we split up that she was full of horse shit. It was during this point that she would take opportunities when she was "moody" to punch me across the face. Why did i take that shit? I dont know! I guess i was too fucking scared to lose someone i was attached too. Two years passed and i realize she started to ditch me to hang with some dude named Paul and was cheating on me for months. I finally asked firmly if she was and she admitted it, playing sap. I was devestate for about three months afterward. I had planned to kill myself numerous times but always remembered how much my friends would miss me. It was during this time around 2013 that i took up a habit of walking a mile to a nearby bridge on a "private walk" over an artificial lake to just gaze into and get lost in what seemed like infinite thought. I eventually got over her, but only after deleting all contact with her.

Second is someone online i will just call Saber. A very basic ass relationship. No emotional fulfillment for me and only sexting. He was a bit different in abuse in that it was more a financial abuse than anything else. He relied on me to pay for his ffxiv game and subscription and shit cause he didnt live in NA and i didnt see a cent back. The separation was far more a fade then burning out. We just stopped talking and i stopped giving once i realized i was being used

And the third ex is actually criminally dangerous so i will avoid any details at all about them! Just know theyre in jail still i think and they dont know my address

So we arrive more recently, I dont want to use exact names as im still in contact with them and are (presumably) friends and i do not wish to expose information given in confidence. I will just be using first initials as follow: A, B, T, and W.

So it began with a message I'd received from B (all this was when i was freyacrescentshangover on here). He messaged me because we were into the same shit and asked if i wanted to rp. I figured sure! Why not! Well he was pretty chill and nice and i would eventually tell him i had a crush on him. He said "its cool we have similar fetishes but lets just stay friends for now ok?"

It didnt upset me to much. Then W entered my life and boy is she a treat (not sarcastic, mostly). She contacted me for much the same reason. We were into similar shit. We'd spend a lot of time back and forthing this stuff and getting to know eachother and then i finally told her i had a crush on her and her answer is something to keep in mind for later. She didnt say yes, but she didnt say no. She told me things such as ne being cute and how she enjoyed how we had similar kinks and said she'd be down to be more flirty sometimes. I had no fucking idea what this meant (No offense W) so I was more just in a state of confusion where our relationship was. As for why i admired her? She was passionate. Her interests were so emblazoned on her soul that is was visceral just being in a conversation (still is to an extent). Yet she's also so cool and mysterious. It felt like she was someone i had to learn about, someone that i could listen to their passions for hours in complete awe and admiration. Thats still what i admire about her to this day i suppose, but ill get onto that more in a bit.

This was also around the same time i had developed a crush on A. A is super cool and chill even to this day. Never afraid to be herself or says what she feels and that is truely admirable. She'd contacted me because, once again, we were into similar fetishes. We did the old exchange weird stuff and talk until i noticed she, by complete fucking cosmic coincidence, lived in the same town as me. You guessed it! Got a crush on her. This rejection breaks the mold a bit though in that she reciprocated the feelings but felt she was in to many relationships and couldnt provide me the emotional support i needed. Didnt bother me too much.

Well, that is until a couple months later A and her wife formed triad with W. It felt so.....bad if im being honest. I feel guilty to say it and i am really happy for them still! But there's always been a part of me since then that sorta felt......jealous? Short changed? I dont know, its hard to find a word for it. Its like when you taste something super fucking sour but you like expected it to be sweet. My self worth sorta plummeted from it all. Like i just wasnt enough for them..

Cut to later and i met T. Shes super sweet and funny and boy i got a crush on her too! She got into contact with me because......you guessed it! Similar fetishes! It feels like im just gifted with a power that lets people confide their weird fetishes with me. When i told her she told me essentially "Same fetishes dont like you that way".

Now we cut from 3 years ago to a month ago. I get feelings spurring up again for T and W (Probably A too but after how this goes I dont wanna be crushed ever again). I tell T first i have a crush on her. She says something similar to before but elaborates that romantic feelings are very hard for her to obtain. Then I tell W again. She says "We have similar fetishes and thats cool but i dont like you that way". For some fucking reason, this was an emotionally devastating breaking point for me and im not sure why. i got over T in like two days. W on the other hand? Were a month strong in and I still cant stop being depressed about it all. What happened here? What went different here? Was it because of the awkward response id receive years ago? Was it the jealousy-like feelings i still harbored? Is it just because i wanted to hear more about her and her interests and passions hidden under that cool (and sexy) exterior like i had before? I dont know. Probably never will. Likely a combination of all those though.

So here I am, on this weird precipice of loneliness, ready to die any second because my self worth doesnt seem to improve no matter what I do (and ive been doing a ton lately). Will I be able to work up the courage to take another final shot at A? Probably not, my body can't take another hit like that. Atleast not so soon. Will I ever get over W? Im not sure. The last time i felt this bad was with Nicole and I had to cut all contact with her to feel better, but the thought of doing that with W makes me even more sick. Maybe I'm just SOL and my emotional and mental stability doomsday clock is finally reaching midnight (sure hope not! I have Marinas to bully!).

Apart from all this, with how spurred i feel and such. I find it harder and harder to get out of bed every day. To do the things i like keeping myself healthy. Eating. Showering. To live. And yet I move.

[boycannibal]

huh so math test this Fucking wednesday i forgot about huh ... huh....

[ddarker-dreams]

In Your Eyes. Yan Izaya x Reader [COMM]

warnings: izaya orihara counts as a warning if im being honest. dude’s a jerk. word count: 3k.

7:12 PM. 

This isn’t the time of day that Izaya would normally close his services. Not when most of his clientele operate under the cover of night, crawling out from their day jobs and towards him. Izaya’s second monitor is a testimony to that. Message after message flooding in, notifications going ignored after a brief glance. The inquiries have a wide range. From a businessman wanting to know if the wife in his loveless marriage is cheating on him as he suspects, to the yakuza seeking information on a rival group that has been infringing on their territory. These people, deep as their pockets may be, occupy an insignificant role at the time. 

Izaya’s eyes flicker to the live feed coming in from outside his apartment. One sight in particular catches his attention, his lips quirking into a self-satisfied smirk. He stands from the leather chair behind his desk, stretches, and makes for the kitchenette. There’s a spring in his every step as he walks, fingers running over a variety of untouched teas. Earl grey, matcha, chamomile. Chamomile might be best here, he thinks. Izaya busies himself with boiling the appropriate amount of water. Any second now, he just needs to be patient… 

There’s a tentative knock on his door. 

Izaya already anticipated having a most prized visitor paying him a visit. The door was unlocked in advance, but the excitement in his veins is making it difficult to decide on what approach to use. Calling over to come in, or answering the door himself…? He decides on the latter. Playing the indifferent game is growing tiresome. When he swings the door wide open, Izaya’s greeted by the sight of you. You must not have been expecting such a swift response, as a cute gasp leaves your lips. Ah, how endearing a sight.

Not one to stand in silence for long, he extends an enthusiastic greeting. “Ah, [First]-chan, what a lovely surprise. Come in, come in.” 

You do as he instructs, an uncertain smile on your face. He notes how you scrutinize your surroundings. Eyes shifting to every wall, your posture remaining stiff as you remain focused on nothing in particular. After a moment of deliberation, your attention returns to him, and you bow your head.

“I hope I’m not intruding,” you let out a strained laugh, fixating on the soles of your shoes. “I’m sure you must be really busy, but, uh… I had some stuff I wanted to discuss. With you, that is.” 

“You’re in luck then, as I’m not doing anything at the moment,” Izaya pauses at the high pitched sound that signifies his water is done boiling. From how easily startled you are by the noise, he almost wants to tease you. Not yet, he decides. There’ll be time for that later. “Would you like some tea?” You nod your head. “If it isn’t any trouble.” 

He takes this time to recall the cryptic text message you sent him earlier. How much self restraint it took not to respond -- for the greater good, he reminds himself -- the contents catching his interest. You’ve been remaining purposefully vague. Is it to tantalize him? Keep him in the dark for some unknown reason? How interesting, the myriad of possibilities you bring to the table! Izaya’s own theories are plentiful. Hearing it from you beats anything his own imagination could concoct. It was a gamble that you’d actually come by today since he never responded, a test to see just how important this discussion is to you. 

It must be vital if you took the train from Ikebukuro to Shinjuku to get here, as he’s aware you have classes tomorrow morning. The day after that is clear of any university activities if memory serves. This further proves the point to Izaya that whatever it is on your mind must be taking high priority. How his heart flutters at the thought, anticipation rising as he whips together the tea. Humans once again exercise their adaptability, moving along in new directions, with just a tiny push from him. 

When he returns, cups of steaming tea in hand, you’ve already made yourself comfortable on his couch. Your legs crossed, hands clasping together on top of your lap. Izaya’s oncoming set up footsteps must not have been enough to alert you to his presence, so he clears his throat. Just like you did before, you startle, jumping in place. Izaya tuts at your reaction.

“It’s not good to keep zoning out like this, [First]-chan. What if you trip and hurt yourself on the way home? Now, I can’t be having that.” He teases while handing you your teacup. You wear a sheepish smile on your face, cheeks turning a rosy hue from his teasing. This might be the first time he’s ever seen you this out of it. Upon closer inspection, there are bags underneath your eyes, and your overall reaction time is sluggish. Hm…

Izaya takes a set beside you, likely closer than he needs to be, but you never protest. A loud sigh leaves your lips as you sink into his couch. “I sent you a text earlier, but I don’t think you ever saw it.” 

He nods his head in confirmation. The chamomile seems to be working its wonders already, your shoulders slumping down further. Easing you up in his presence has never been a simple task. 

“I’ve been thinking a lot recently,” you take another sip, wincing at how the hot liquid burns as it travels down your throat, “What I realized is that, maybe I do rely on others too much. When Miki went missing earlier this year, you said something similar, didn’t you? That there was a lot I couldn’t do. At the time, I didn’t want to believe you. I still don’t know if I do. So that’s why I wanted to ask if you still think that of me.” 

So that’s what is haunting your mind? A budding identity crisis? He wasn’t expecting something as ordinary as this, feeling almost taken aback that you’d come to him on the topic. Maybe it’s hypocritical of him to think that way. He often finds himself thinking back to the first time you showed up at his office, replaying your words and expressions in his mind like a projector. It’s unlike Izaya Orihara to be a sentimental person, yet he recalls your first meeting with immense fondness. 

- - -

Namie had almost dismissed you. She informed Izaya that there was no practical way you could afford these services, and that taking your appointment would be a waste of time for them both. A standard broke college student isn’t worth all the effort. And on a regular day, he would’ve been inclined to agree. Maybe it had been the boredom, as nothing of interest was brewing in Ikebukuro at the time. Whatever the reason, in retrospect, he’s grateful for the chance encounter. 

“A missing person’s case?” Izaya glances down at the coffee table, where you’ve laid out numerous personal pictures. All featuring the same girl -- Yamato Miki -- who you’ve come here today to seek help for. The job feels familiar, while simultaneously being unlike anything he’s been asked for at the same time. Information for the whereabouts of unsavory folk isn’t a rare request. This falls into a different category. You’re not asking out of ill intent, or he would’ve picked up on that by now. You weren’t lying when you said you were worried about the wellbeing of your friend. 

His eyes return to you shifting in your seat. “I’m curious. Why not go to the police about this instead of me?” 

From how your nostrils flare, he can piece it together before you even verbalize a response. This is the first question of his to earn such a blatant reaction. Everything prior, you had responded to the best of your ability, trying to keep your emotions in check. You steady yourself with a deep breath.

“I’d gone plenty of times, and none of them seemed to care in the slightest! Miki… she has a bit of a record, you see. Nothing serious, she wouldn’t ever hurt anyone, just stuff haunting her from her teenage years,” your gaze lowers, fists clenching by your side. “Since she used to run away from home a lot, they think it’s something like that.”

Izaya sees the pieces of this puzzle falling into place. It’s been about ten minutes since you came in, explaining your story, and his interest is starting to wane. There’s nothing that sticks out to him as unique. Maybe giving you the time of day was a mistake after all, like Namie suggested. Still, the question remains, why go to him specifically? You, a seemingly upstanding citizen, must surely have better options. 

He’ll entertain this charade a tad longer. It’s not like he has anything better to do.

“It’s not unreasonable to think that,” Izaya can’t help but agree with what the police had told you. The change in your demeanor is subtle, former timidity melting away. Greedy as it might be, he wants to see more of this unsightly side of you. So he continues prodding without relent. “People with troubled pasts such as your friend have next to impossible odds to overcome.” 

Your jaw’s clenching, he can see the imprints of how hard your fingernails dig into the palm of your hands. It’s simple to play someone like you to his own tune, he muses. Izaya just about had his fill of this. Maybe he’ll put a last nail in the coffin for good measure. Will you curse at him? Explode and yell? Break down crying? Storm off without a word?

“Chances are, she got in way over her head, and is currently laying dead in an alley somewhere. Or maybe she is somehow alive! In that case, what will you do then? If she couldn’t rely on you, her supposedly closest friend, why do you think that is? She either doesn’t trust you as much as you thought, or was taking advantage of your kindness all along.” Izaya can’t help the smile that curls onto his lips. Now that’s the look of despair he wanted! Being confronted with a fate you knew all along, and yet tried so hard to ignore. Only to fail, to be drawn into a vulnerable position of reality--

“So what?” The tone of your voice is eerily collected. You take a deep breath, glassy eyes refusing to break contact with his own, a sense of resolve keeping you in tact. Izaya tilts his head at this conjecture, as if to invite you to elaborate further. 

“So what if she might be as bad as you say she is? Miki is my friend. I don’t care for some arbitrary method of judging people based only on possibilities. I’ll see the truth for my own eyes and decide myself.” 

Well… to be honest, he was expecting an entirely different reaction. For you to scold someone like him is borderline laughable, yet here you are, doing just that. So why does he find himself even more drawn to you than before? There’s been passion ignited inside you by his own hands, social etiquette thrown to the wayside. Instead of letting this newly lit fire run rampant, you control the flame, refusing to burn as he intended you to. Izaya Orihara has never been one to back down from a challenge. Maybe this isn’t a waste of time after all.

Izaya leans in, resting his temple on his fist. “Pray tell, [First]-chan, what would you do in the event that I’m right? And your precious friend is involved with stuff she shouldn’t be?” 

“I’ll give her a good wakeup slap,” you place a finger to your cheek, considering the proposition. “Then chew her out for making me worry as much as she has. In the end, I want her to know that she can come to me with anything, even the worst she has to offer. That’s what friends are for.”  

A mindset like this is idealistic to say the least. Optimism has never been a field Izaya has excelled in, as he bases things on concrete reality. Is that even the correct label for your way of thinking, he wonders? You’re not ignoring the possible truth, making excuses for her, or even considering enabling her poor behavior. No, it’s a strikingly unusual approach, that takes far more patience than most people have to offer. The shift in outward demeanor from soft-spoken to this unrivaled confidence backs it up further. 

Izaya wants to know more about you. To peer behind the curtain that is your mind, poking and prodding at everything within reach. Seeing how much you can withstand before falling apart at his hands. It looks like you were wrong Namie, he thinks. This is turning out to be interesting. 

“If that’s the case, I’ll lend you my help.” 

You blink. “Y-you will…? But you just went on a tangent about how my ‘deadbeat’ friend isn’t worth the effort.” 

“What can I say? Your impassioned speech tugged on my heartstrings, [First]-chan,” he coos, a wolfish grin spreading across his face. “Maybe I’m growing soft after all. Alright, now let’s start with you giving me your phone number--” 

“Hold on!” you exclaim, putting up a hand. “I don’t need help from someone like you.”

Now it’s his turn to be thrown off by another person’s words. Maybe a taste of my own medicine, he thinks. 

Here he was, figuring you’d grovel at his feet for help. Now that he’s extending a hand out of what you should perceive as goodwill, you… don’t want it…? There’s no quick, witty response. The cogs in his head are turning, trying to comprehend this bizarre situation, and coming up with nothing satisfactory. He hears what’s most definitely Namie struggling to cover up a laugh in the distance. 

“Were you not just trying to convince me?” Izaya quirks up an eyebrow. That’s how he perceived your earlier lecture, as a way to bring him over to your side. For a rare moment, there’s no condescending lilt in his voice, only a genuine attempt to rationalize your actions. 

You’re already moving on from this loss, picking the scattered pictures up and returning them to your handbag. “Not really. I just didn’t like the thought of you looking down on someone without really knowing anything about them.” 

This time, Namie isn’t capable of muffling her laughter. Izaya sighs as he leans back into his couch. How troublesome you’re proving yourself to be. Do you not realize that a few phone calls from his behalf would be enough to ruin you for the rest of your life? Or maybe you do realize, and don’t care either way. Whatever the case, he’s not letting this go. It’s not everyday someone manages to leave him at a loss for words. 

“So it’s back to the police then, hm?” 

You shake your head at his guess, frowning. “I’ll just figure it out on my own. Thank you for your time, Orihara-san.” 

Now you’re standing to leave. Turning your back to him, you make for the door, leaving Izaya to try and piece together what’s happening to him. Izaya follows after you, intent on changing your mind. Anything to keep you close so he can continue observing. 

“What exactly are you planning on doing? It sounded to me like you had no leads or connections. I’m not sure how familiar you are with investigation work, [First]-chan, but you’re not off to a very good start.” Izaya calls over, successfully getting you to stop in place. It’s a relief to know he hasn’t lost his touch. You don’t look fully convinced, so he continues on.

“I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but you’re going to be helpless all on your own,” Izaya points out, your grimace growing deeper with every word. He’s getting somewhere, he just needs to reel you back in. “We wouldn’t want my earlier premonition to come true.” 

“I guess so,” you agree without enthusiasm, lips pursing. Izaya can’t help but feel satisfied with your compliance. Then you continue walking towards the door. “I need to give it some more thought. I’ll call your secretary this evening.” 

With that, you’re out of sight, the door shutting in his face. Hm. He doesn’t get the feeling you’re acting like this out of spite. No, you’re sticking true to your own convictions, trying to get a feel for how to best work things out. Izaya’s already planning to run multiple checks on you. He has a growing curiosity for knowledge on you that needs to be quenched. What school you’re going to, where you currently live, if you have a record--

“I can’t say I was expecting that,” Namie comments in her usual monotone. From the skin tightening underneath her eyes, Izaya can tell she’s still fighting back a smile. “Someone turning down your offer to help and lecturing you? I almost feel undeserving of such a wonderful sight.” 

Izaya sighs and runs a hand through his dark hair. “I’m glad you enjoyed your boss being berated so much.” 

“There’s almost nothing better,” she concurs with a nod. “When you’re finished standing there and moping, I already brought her social media up. I figured you’d want to see it after that display.”

This is enough to capture his undivided attention. The boredom from this week is a relic of the past, Izaya’s enthusiasm for human beings returning in full bloom. What a terrifying beast you’ve managed to awaken. You’ll make for a fascinating source of entertainment. He already finds himself looking forward to the next time you cross paths, Izaya confident in his ability to make this happen. He excels at interrupting the flow of people’s lives unprompted. 

- - -

The rest is history, so they say. 

Izaya’s whittled you down this far, creating a codependency that pleases him, a result of hard work on his behalf. You stare at him with doe-like eyes. Vulnerable eyes. Waiting with bated breath to see if he’ll confirm or deny your deepest concerns. 

He wraps an arm around your slouching shoulder. "Now that you have me, what you are or aren’t capable of on your own doesn’t matter anymore. Isn’t that right, [First]-chan?” 

“I... I guess it might be.” 

[official-lucifers-child]

i love how my attitude towards my disabilities has done a complete 180 recently. like three months ago i was all like "oh even if it was an option to me, i probably wouldn't take meds for my adhd or use any mobility devices" and now im like "give me my adderall you arse. oh you don't think i should be using forearm crutches? i don't give a shit :D" and that's on disease progression forcing me to un-internalize the ableism and making me realize that yes, i do need that shit

that’s so fantastic, i’m so happy for you!! i completely understand it too, i was in the same place mentally (i’d gotten used to my physical disabilities and i can’t really do anything about them so there wasn’t much of a grapple there) but with the mental disorders i felt like i had to do it all myself and if i got help from anyone else that was “cheating” or something. i’m so happy you were able to get out of that funk!! your attitude is inspiring, honestly!! i can tell that a lot of people do look up to you now, or will in the future, because a lot of us have struggled and do struggle with that idea of using mobility aids is bad or we don’t have it bad ENOUGH to use them, or that meds are bad to rely on, and stuff like that. you being able to change your mindset is really amazing

[daydreamingintheimpalax]

Little Beginnings

Dean X Reader

Warnings: Mentions of cheating, mentions of pregnancy, possible swearing. 

A/N: Just a little something i wanted to write. Dean’s 40, Reader is 28. 

                                           ************************

You were fucking late, again. Dean was an amazing boss, and an even better friend, but just because he was a super sweet guy, didn’t mean he was going to keep letting you get away with being late. To be fair, you were about 6 months pregnant, and it did cause for a lot of doctors appointments, which Dean had driven you to a few times when Andy was too busy at work. 

Your fiance Andy and you had been engaged for the last year, deciding you were going to wait a while before getting married, Andy was up for a possible big promotion at his design company and he wanted to focus on his work, which you more than understood, so the couple times he’d failed to be there for some of the milestone appointments, you relied on the bus, making you late, opting Dean to offer to drive you so the other staff members would stop harrassing him about special treatment. I mean, you were pregnant, and it wasn’t your fault the appointments ran longer than usual and you’d missed the bus one too many times. 

The bell above the auto shop jingled, signaling that you were finally at work, you were out of breath, stopping slightly to hold your belly. “I’m here, i’m here, i’m so sorry, it was suppsed to be a simple scan and then she thought she saw something and wanted to do a more extensive exam, and i promise next time i’ll just have her reschedule for my day off.” You gasped, out of breath from running all the way from the bus stop, all the extra weight making it harder to move fast. 

Dean waved his hand dismissively, you could see he was sort of lost, trying to work the register, Dean wasn’t good at the front end work, he was however the best mechanic in town, so he handled the cars and you handled the cash. 

“Hey, don’t worry about it, not your fault, if the doctor said you needed it then she must have been worried,” he finally stops and looks at you concerned, “Everything okay? are you and the baby okay?” He asks and you smile widely. 

“SHE and i are just fine, she was just being squirmy.” You jump a little in place, finally having found out the sex. Dean’s eyes widen and a pure look of excitement and joy crosses his face.

“No way? It’s a girl?” He asks and you nod, squealing. Dean lets out a laugh and makes his way over, pulling you into him, not caring that he’s in his greasy work coveralls. “Congratulations, sweetheart!!” He speaks, placing a small kiss to your head. 

He smells like car oil, a little musk from all the sweating from working in the extreme heat and the lingering scent of his aftershave and bodywash. It comforts you, you take a breath, taking in the smell, the familiar smell, Dean has always welcomed you with open arms, making you feel perfectly at home in his auto shop for the last 4 years. He had made you feel loved and valued when your own parents basically banished you for being pregnant before being married. If they had their way, you would’ve been married years ago, they had their opinions and beleifs and you didn’t follow them, and because of it, they hadn’t spoken to you since you told them the news. 

“Have you told Andy yet?” He smiles, you shake your head, moving around him to show him how to open the cash. “Not yet, we’re suppsed to have dinner tonight, i was going to tell him then.” You smile, hardly containing your excitement. You open the register and Dean let’s out a small ‘yes’ before squishing your face, “What am i going to do without you while you’re gone.” He speaks and pinches your nose. You shove his hand away.

“You’ll be fine, plus if you need anything, call. No questions asked, just call.” You smile widely and he returns it. 

The rest of your shift goes smoothly, you count the register at the end of the day, Dean cleans up and changes, grease still on him but for the most part he got it off, he waits for you and like a true well raised gentleman, he drives you home, not wanting you to walk or take the bus alone at night. 

                                  ************************************

When you walk into your apartment, you don’t see Andy on the couch watching tv like he usually is, you assume maybe hes making dinner, since you are home much earlier than expected, the shop hadn’t been overly busy and Dean was so good with cars he had finished all his jobs for the day early.

You hang your coat up and walk into the kitchen, expecting to see Andy cooking, instead, your greeted with silence, with two almost empty plates on your kitchen table, but the part that makes your heart sink into your stomach is the two wine glasses, one, which has a very clear lipstick mark on it. 

A bang comes from your bedroom upstairs, the fire in you already ready to explode. You make your way upstairs, and before you realize it, your swinging your bedroom door open, a woman is sprawled on your bed, her ass in the air as your fiance drills her from behind, his one hand gripping her hair as the other rests on the headboard, she lets out a scream and he swears under his breath. Finally able to speak you clear your throat. 

“Are you fucking kidding me!” You yell and Andy freezes, the girl letting out a whine before she finally peels her head from your pillow. Your fucking god damn pillow. 

“Oh my god, who is that.” She squeals before yaking herself off the bed and away from him, holding your blanket to cover herself up. 

“I’m his fiance, his pregnant fiance. Who the fuck are you!” you scream, livid. 

Andy is up, blanket around his waist before he’s walking towards you. “Baby, this isn’t- i uh- i can explain.” He stumbles over his words, not knowing what to do or say.

You glare at him, “How long?” you ask, he shakes his head confused. “How long have you been fucking her? and don’t you dare fucking lie to me right now Andy!” You scream and he flinches, not used to your high vocals right now. 

He sighs, “Since you told me about the pregnancy.” He admits, running a hand through his hair, “Listen, i need to explain, i just, i needed a break, everything with the pregnancy has been too much to handle and im stressed with work, now the pregnany, i just, i needed to get away from it all.” He speaks and soon enough you’re in his face. 

“What are you sick of Andy? The fact you have barely been home since i told you about it? or the fact you haven’t been to one single appointment? Not the first time we got to see it, not the first time we got to hear the heartbeat, and now, you couldn’t be bothered to come find out the sex with me, it’s a girl, FYI, you havent been around for any of it. So what exactly are you sick of? you’re a worthless piece of shit, and i never want to see you again. Go fuck yourself.” You finish it off with a slap to his face, the contact is so loud, even the girl behind him flinches. 

She gives you a small smile when you make eye contact. “I’m really sorry, i didn’t know, he never mentioned you or the baby, if i had known...” she pauses, obvious guilt in her face. You shrug, “I know, do yourself a favour, find a better man to give yourself to, trust me, this one isn’t worth it.” You tell her, she swallows before grabbing her clothes and leaving the room, but not before glaring at Andy herself, “Don’t ever call me again.” She spits at him and he flinches, he tries to get close to you and you back away, skaking your head. 

“No, i’m leaving.” You spit out and he frowns, a little angry. “Where are you going? You’re pregnant and you know damn well your parents won’t take you back in.” He says it with a tone, almost like he’s proud to know that’s true, without them, you have nowhere to go. 

“I’ll figure something out, i haven’t needed you for the last 6 months, and obviously i still don’t.” You state, grabbing the prepared hospital bag you had done two months ago, for the most part it had enough stuff in it to get you by for a few days and you’d eventually come back for the rest of your stuff, preferably when Andy was away at work.

You storm out, getting into the car you had spent years saving to get, you had bought it on your own, but had decided since Andy made more money that he needed it more. As you drive away, you can hear Andy shouting, you roll down your window and catch the ending. 

“You stupid bitch, how the fuck am i supposed to get to work!” He shouts, you laugh, “Take a bus, asshole. I paid for the car!” Before you’re peeling out of what is no longer your drive way.

                                               ****************************

Dean’s surprised when he hears his phone ring, he isn’t expecting any calls, usually Sam is the only one who calls him, to be honest, he’s pretty much lonely most of the time. 

 Sammy tries to call each week, but he’s usually busy with work or the kids so usually Dean’s alone. Some days he wishes he had done what Sam did, settle down with a nice girl, have some babies, but most of the women he had dated just wanted the idea of a hardworking attractive man by their side, when it came down to it, they backed off when they realized he’d wanted more. it worked out for the best, none of the women in his life had ever truly been longterm material, sometimes he regretted having too much fun and not enough substance, airheads only stayed interesting for so long. 

It’s 8:30 pm and he had just finished making one of his best pasta dishes if he does say so himself. He was about to dig in and turn on some criminal minds when his phone had gone off, he stares at it, not recognizing the number. 

“Hello?” He speaks and a feminine voice is heard, “Hi, may i please speak to Mr. Dean Winchester?” She asks and he clears his throat, “Uh, speaking, who is this?” he raises a brow and his heart sinks slightly when he hears her speak. 

“Hi Mr. Winchester, my name is Sadie and i am calling on behalf of Miss Y/N Y/L/N, i’m a nurse at memorial hospital and Y/N was in a small car accident earlier and she had you listed as her second  emergency contact, she refused to allow me to call her first contact.” She speaks, Dean’s barely listened, he interupts her, completely worried why he’s being called.

“What? Where is Y/n, is she okay? is the baby okay? what happened?” He talks a mile a minute before the nurse calms him down. 

“She and the baby are fine, she is however a little shaken up, can we ask that you come down here, maybe take her home, she refuses anymore help insisting she’s fine and she wont let us call her fiance.” The nurse sighs and Dean agrees. 

He reaches the hospital in 15 minutes, rushing through the place to find y/n. Eventually he finds the nurse that called and he’s led straight to the room you’re in, you’re sitting in the bed, hands on your belly, moving them around and smiling when you feel your baby move. He let’s out a relieved sigh to see you’re okay, and thankfully, still pregnant. 

“Y/N?” He speaks and your head shoots up, you let out a soft smile, he can tell you’ve been crying. “Hey Dee, glad to see you own something other than flannel and ripped jeans.” You smirk, he looks down at his sweat pants and hoddie, smiling to himself before letting out a small chuckle. 

“Theyre my comfy clothes, shut up.” He teases and you giggle. He moves closer, sitting on your bed near you. “You wanna tell me what the hell happened, sweetheart?” He asks and you look down, focused on your hands on your belly, biting the inside of your cheek. 

“After you drove me home, i walked in on Andy fucking some girl in doggy on our bed, i was furious and yelled at him before slapping him and leaving, i grabbed my to go bag and didn’t even care if it wasn’t enough and left, i took my car and just drove off, i didn’t really know where to go and i started crying because Andy was right about my parents probably not wanting me back, so i cried harder and i guess i couldn’t see clearly and went off road. It wasn’t bad, but i sorta put some dents and bumps in it, a jogger found me and insisted i go to a hospital and called the abulance.” You shrugged. 

Dean scoffed, “Are you fucking serious, the nerve of that jackass, i swear if i ever see him i’m gonn-” You cut him off. “Dee, it’s not worth it, i’m mostly just mad at myself for not seeing it, the missed appointments, the constant late nights, he didn’t want this, the marriage, the pregnancy, he wasn’t ready, i should’ve figured it out, i should’ve seen it.” You shrug softly, wiping a tear from your eye.

Dean sighs, tucking a strand of hair behind your ear. “Hey, listen to me, this isn’t your fault, you didn’t force him to have sex with you, and you sure as hell didn’t get pregnant on purpose, if he didn’t want a kid, he should’ve kept his shit wrapped. He’s the asshole in this situation, not you. As for where to go, you should’ve called me, you know i always have your back. You’re staying with me,” you’re about to interupt him but he shuts you up with a hand, “No, no talking, and i’m not leaving you alone, you’re moving in with me and that’s final.” You huff and pout, making him roll his eyes. 

“Don’t try to cute your way outta this, and don’t be stubborn, i got plenty of space not being used, i could use the company.” You huff, “Fine, but at least let me pitch in for rent..” He cuts you off, “No. I’m not charging you, save your money for the baby stuff your gonna need, just help me keep my fridge stocked and we’ll call it even, i’m a bad grocery shopper.” He smiles, you roll your eyes but agree. 

                                        *****************************

“Hey dee?” You speak as he drives you back to his place, “Yeah?” he hums as he fiddles with the radio before landing on a station. You look over at him and smile. 

“Why can’t all the guys in the world be more like you?” You smile softly and he chuckles, “That wouldn’t make me one of a kind now would it darlin,” he shoots you a wink and you laugh, shaking your head. 

“No seriously though, thank you, for everything, the job, the constant rides, always making sure im eating, getting my vitamins and water intake, always keeping your mini fridge in your office stocked with snacks, you’re literally amazing, and i don’t think i could’ve handled this whole siatuation well if it wasn’t for you. At this point, you’ve done more for me and this little girl than her father has, i need you to know how much i appreciate you.” You reach over, grabbing his hand and he looks over and smiles.

“I know y/n, don’t you worry about it. Besides, one of you already has me wrapped around her finger, what’s one more? Hmm?” He smirks, laughing at your shocked face. You shake your head at him, smiling as parks the car in his driveway. You both get out of the car, but before Dean can walk to his door, you pull him back towards you.

He’s surprised at first then melts into the kiss, wrapping his arms around your slightly big middle, he chuckles and pulls away when he feels movement in your belly. You laugh softly, “I think she likes you, she’s all excited.” You smile, letting him place his hand on your belly, feeling all the movement going on. 

He smiles gently, “yeah well, i like her too, i really REALLY like her mom though.” He states, leaning in to kiss you yet again. 

                                     ********************************

Tags: @akshi8278

[mariaiscrafting]

can i ask why you dislike dream? im not being passive agressive or something lol i am genuinely curious

S’all good, kinda figured you weren’t being, and a lot of people have asked me this lol. There are so many reasons, and I’ve said this so many times already, but I’ll try to go over some of the main things I can remember:

1) Arrogance: kinda put me off how he’s always responded to criticism. Always kinda had an air of superiority about shit, and it never really bothered me on its own because I think lots of CCs are arrogant & I’m arrogant myself, but combined with all of the following, it became a reason for me to dislike him lol

2) Manipulation of his audience: look, I kinda always knew that CCs with huge fanbases, especially CCs who grow this quickly, have some kind of grasp of how to treat and foster their audience to their greatest advantage. I’ve always been wary of CCs that put on soft or nice personalities, especially since the whole Shane Dawson debacle. But with Dream, it’s been a whole other thing ever since his cheating response video, and I’ve never been able to see him in a good light in regard to how he responds to his fans, ever since. I went into it in a lot more detail back when I first watched the video, the day it dropped, but I’m too exhausted to scrounge that post up, so I’ll summarize: that video had a very specific strategy that he used to victimize himself and appeal to his fans’ compassion for him, and after rewatching the video for the third time that day, it felt gross and calculated to me. The way that he focuses very little on the actual mathematical part of his argument. The way he frames the issue of the mods having favoritism or bias. It was already proven on Reddit and throughout Twitter that the numbers the mods looked at were for good reason, and not because they just wanted to pick the numbers that made Dream look the worst, but that’s how he framed the argument. When I logged onto Twitter and Tumblr that day, there were thousands of fans who had latched onto what he said in the latter half of that video and coming to Dream’s defense, and that’s kinda when it hit me: this guy fucking knows what he’s doing, and he’s doing it well, and I really really dislike it. There’s about a hundred other ways he manipulates his audience, including not coming to people’s defenses when huge chunks of his audience attack them (even though the people had respectful and correct criticisms of him), defending stans so adamantly in the face of antis, and posting periodic alt tweets that help garner the illusion that he super cares about his fans; but, that cheating response video was the major red flag, for me.

3) Cheating & lying: as is likely no surprise to y’all, I think Dream cheated lmao. At first, I was ecstatic that he had actually made a detailed response video and put out a report with the help of an actual professional, but as I read up on his supposed statistical argument and dissected the parts of his argument that felt off to me, I realized maybe he had cheated. Talking to some STEM major friends of mine, who weren’t into MCYT but had obviously heard about the whole debacle because they like Twitter and Minecraft, kinda put the nail in the coffin for me. I’m not nearly smart enough or have a good enough memory to detail exactly why I think he cheated on this blog, right now, in April, but essentially: his main argument relied upon claiming mod bias, instead of a sound mathematical or statistical argument; there’s no way of proving that the world files he provided to the mods and in the open source weren’t altered; the statistical problems he points out (i.e., stopping effect) don’t actually skew the original mods’ model nearly as much as his supposed PhD guy would say; and the odds he comes up with might not be nearly as impossible as 1 in 7 trillion, but they still come up to around 1 in 100 million, which is still fucking ridiculous, considering that there are only, like, 120 million people in the world who play Minecraft.  Not impossible, but laughable that he expects people to believe that. But... I guess they did, lmao. The thing that peeved me the most about the whole thing was the adamant lying lmao. When you look at the situation from the perspective of “dream cheated,” you realize just how fucked up all his Twitter responses, his adamance in streams and that video, and the general mood among his friends is... idk man, it’s just highly fucked.

4) Relationship with stans: look, there are significant numbers of  his fans that take part in Twitter cancelling vendettas, who spread around information about other CCs and their fellow fans that is false and meant to villify them, etc., and he never fucking says anything. It really, really bothers me. There are too many instances to enumerate, but a few that have caught my eye were when Dream stans would attack Techno, prior to their battle and when a Native American woman politely explained why he shouldn’t use Native music, he responded and said he wouldn’t, but tons of stans continued to attack her in her replies for “being so harsh/mean.” Like, he knows that just one word from him will make his fandom follow his beck and call. All it would’ve taken was one fucking word. There are so many fucking people that have been harrassed off of social media platforms because of the hivemind that is dttwt, for christ’s sake.

5) Reddit posts: All of the above were reasons for me to mildly dislike the guy prior to the Reddit posts, but they weren’t really enough to make me stop posting about c!Dream or reblogging fanart or reading DNF fics or watching Manhunts. I kinda just clowned on the guy, answered the occasional ask about the cheating thing or something related, and left it at that. The Reddit posts not only pissed me off for their content, but for the lying, as well. Do you think I fucking cared about him cheating at speedrunning Minecraft, of all games? Fuck no. What I cared about was the adamant lying that went into the whole debacle. Kinda the same with the Reddit posts. I’m one to usually forgive creators who acknowledge past errors, obviously. It is creators who try to brush stuff off, or even worse, create an elaborate lie to cover up allegations, that put me off a fuck ton. This is the reason I could never be comfortable with watching Pewdipie after I realized all the shit he had brushed off, and it’s now the reason I can’t go back to watching Dream. There is so much evidence that points to guilt, including but not limited to: his first move when the slideshow dropped (before posting to Twitter) being deleting as many old Discord messages as he could, the contradiction between him at first denying the account was his at all then changing the story to say he shared it with a friend, the wording and phrasing in the political posts being almost identical to the non-political posts that were clearly him (i.e., the one that explains his demographics perfectly), and the timing of the political posts (some of them being posted mere minutes after posts that were verifiably him, like the picture of Patches to the cats subreddit). People can claim that he’s likely changed, and what this it matter, as long as politics don’t affect his work now, but I can’t believe this fundamental misunderstanding of why bigotry in entertainment matters. I’ve always had a problem with the adoration this fandom has for cishet white men, and the constant criticism of non-cishet, non-white, non-men, but this really feels like the final slap in the fucking face. It’s like everyone truly believes that it doesn’t matter, that his beliefs couldn’t have possibly affected the way he’s treated fellow CCs in his circles or any of the number of people that depend upon Dream, directly and indirectly, for employment/CC clout. It’s like everyone truly believes that political ideology has no effect on the way we perceive, treat, and behave around other people in literally any field, not just politics. I, just... Christ. I don’t really wanna unpack my emotions about this whole thing right now, so I won’t. I’ll just say: I dislike Trump supporters and ex-Trump supporters alike, I dislike conservatives who claim they’re centrists (every fucking guy my age does this, it’s infuriating and makes me want to bash my head into the nearest wall), I dislike people who levy their fans against criticism - even when it’s righteous - and I dislike people who lie about their past actions; Dream fits all those categories, so I dislike him.

[amaranthkick]

thought of a cute deity au for pegoryu

The setting is like a modern era but people tend to believe in and pray to different deities and sometimes their prayers are heard and answered.

Deities are empowered by those that believe in them, there are many statues and shrines to pray to a specific god

The state of a shrine doesn’t necessarily reflect the health of the deity but building one, repairing one, or offering to one can make them feel good like warm soup for the soul

But prayers wishing harm on another or bad stuff like that can cause a deities power to grow wild and out of control

Akira is a deity of rebellion, there are statues of him here and there but not too many. They kinda look like mini satanaels like a not too detailed body but the wings are there. They are usually in disrepair and covered by overgrowth.

Akira’s true form is like satanael.

Since his statues look demonic he tends to get bad prayers

Akira’s power grows like an inferno and tends to seep out as he tries to restrain himself.

He’s saddened by this because he genuinely wants to help people

Futaba would be a technology deity, She and Akira are friends and have a brother-sister bond.

It's the modern age so people often rely on technology and are grateful for it.

She does have a shrine but people just using technology gives her a boost.

Enter Ryuji, just like his backstory in Persona 5, he is training to get a scholarship in track so could ease some financial burden from his mom.

When he was running through a park training, he found one of Akira’s statues hidden away by vines and leaves.

He clears it away to get a better look at it. He’s never seen a statue like that before but he sees the wings and mistakes it for some kind of wind deity.

He cleans up the statue a bit, and offers it some coins, flowers and a piece of chocolate or whatever he has on hand. He wants wind-at-his-back or run like the wind kind of luck for track to get the scholarship but not exactly as he doesn’t want to feel like he cheated to get it. He realizes that he was cancelling out his own prayer so in the end he thanks the deity for listening and wishes happiness for the deity. Such a good boy. He also prays for good luck for his mom.

Akira hears his wish and just kinda laughs that he was mistaken to be a wind deity. It was very unexpected and his volatile power dissipates as he laughs. Akira smiles fondly to himself thinking the wish to be very sweet. He definitely feels better after the prayer and Ryuji cleaning up his statue and his offerings.

Akira tends to have a dopey smile on his face when he feels/hears Ryuji praying to him or leaving small offerings.

Ryuji as he prays, kinda gets sidetracked and just has  one sided conversations, like telling him how the day was, something exciting happening in his favorite manga, how happy he was when his mom got a promotion. Kinda like talking to a friend.

Futaba teases him for it. But she is glad that Akira isn’t suffering anymore.

But then Kamoshida happens and you know how it be

Akira is deeply concerned that he no longer feels Ryuji’s prayers

Here either of three things happen (or maybe a combo of the 3, who knows)

A: Akira finally hears a prayer from Ryuji but it isn’t bright and warm as it usually is. It feels tired and depressed. He’s shocked to hear that Ryuji is no longer pursuing track. Ryuji doesn’t elaborate but Akira can tell he’s having some kind of trouble at school. People think Ryuji is a delinquent so he decided to look like one, bleaching his hair, wearing graphic tees, etc.

Ryuji offhandedly wishes for a friend to hang out with at school. He isn’t particularly motivated to keep going but does so his mom doesn’t worry.

Akira heads to the human world and infiltrates joins shujin as a transfer and quickly befriends Ryuji.

B: Akira decides to go to the human world to find out what happened to Ryuji. Futaba decides to join him and with another deity Sojiro, it takes time but they make accommodations to make it seem like they’re normal humans. (setting up the coffee shop, getting their living quarters ready, etc)

Futaba finds Ryuji for him, what school he goes to and sets up documents to get Akira in there

Akira meets and befriends Ryuji

C: Ryuji accidentally slips into the metaverse/ the deities domain or parallel world.

It's kind of the same as in Persona 5, Kamoshida has distorted desires, he has a palace

Ryuji gets captured and is almost executed

Akira can sense Ryuji was in trouble or sensed a human entering the metaverse. And quickly rushes to save him.

He escorts him out of there, they free morgana, Ryuji befriends Akira, Akira is delighted to meet Ryuji but does urge him to leave as that place is dangerous and he wants Ryuji to be safe.

The next day there is a mysterious transfer student that much to the surprise of most likes hanging out with the school’s local “delinquent”

somewhat inspired by this deity!akira au

but i feel like i went on a strange tangent =w=“. kinda feels mixed with noragami but im not sure if i want this to go in that direction

[thepoisonroom]

hey im thinkin about getting into standup, but im overwhelmed thinking about where to start, do you have any tips?

oh my god i do!!!! i wrote this whole thing and i'm coming back to this intro to say that it turns out i had a LOT to say so apologies for the length! and take this all with a HUGE grain of salt! i'm one person working in a very specific niche (LGBT comedy) in a weird granola-y city so my experiences are not universal. anyway:

i started as a complete beginner to like writing my own material and doing spoken performance (i was a band kid which is SO different) so if you have any experience in those areas you've already got a huge leg up anyway:

first and most obvious is take notes! i have a tiny joke notebook that i take everywhere and before that i kept notes on my phone. write down ideas you have during your day or before you fall asleep. it's an easy and organic way to acquire material without the pressure of sitting down and Being Funny On Command. having that repository of ideas in your back pocket will make it easier to sit down and prepare your set, and i find it always gives me inspiration for more material.

if you're really nervous, i'd recommend going to the open mic that you're looking at ahead of time so you can get a sense of what the crowd and vibe are like there. i do a really small lgbt open mic which is a really friendly low-pressure audience. if your town has something like that, or an open mic that advertises itself as a place for first timers, i'd recommend that. the crowd makes a HUGE difference and if you don't jive with the culture of the mic it's worth it to be picky! i really don't want you to go to some gross bro-fest and have a bad experience getting heckled by drunk randos. you deserve an audience that'll help you relax and enjoy your time onstage.

find out the standards and practices for your mic! mics have very different systems for deciding who gets to perform, but most of them involve arriving ahead of time to put your name on a list. find out when the list goes up and how it works. small mics will usually let everyone who signs up perform. big mics will sometimes choose people randomly. sometimes they'll give priority to first timers or out of towners or people the host knows. it's important to know this so you have some idea of how to get onstage, and how likely it is that you'll get a spot.

at most mics the organizer will have some way to let you know how much time you have. try to find out how they do this and how much time you'll have. all the ones i've done will show you a light when you have one minute left and then another when your time is up. try not to stress about this too much. it's usually no big deal if you're just trying out a little bit of material and wrap up early. it's also not a big deal if you're in the middle of something when you get the first light. just expect it and give yourself that remaining minute to wrap things up; you don't have to panic and cut yourself off.

it's very common for newbies to deliver their material too fast! you're nervous! we get it! but you can take pauses to think, or to let the crowd finish laughing, and that's totally great and fine! don't pressure yourself to get in every single joke you wrote down! if you pace yourself everything will land more cleanly and it'll help the audience follow your line of thought. pauses feel so scary and long when you're starting out, but i promise they're not bad and seem much shorter to the people watching than they do to you.

it's very normal to bring your joke notes onstage during an open mic, so don't sweat about memorizing all of your material. it's a place where people go to practice! on a similar note, don't worry if you forget things completely or skip something and have to add it in out of order. this is when those pauses come in handy! you can absolutely give yourself a second and then transition into a new topic. no one will mind (or notice tbh) if it's a little disjointed. again, you're practicing!

everyone has different systems for how they like to prepare and get feedback. one of my friends rehearses her sets in front of two different audiences and gets their feedback. i used to rehearse my sets in front of my ex for feedback but now i usually just make a voice recording of myself practicing that i can listen to or watch beforehand. if you can find an audience and feel comfortable letting them see a work in progress, practicing in front of someone you trust is a great way to workshop your material and get used to having an audience. even if you're practicing with a live audience, it can also be really helpful to record the whole thing so you can watch it back and have a clearer record of which parts landed and which ones need work. it can be hard to remember what you said and did, especially if you're nervous, so having that record of how it went is super helpful when you're making edits.

also this might be something that everyone in the world knows except for me a year ago, but it's very normal to try the same material repeatedly, even at the same mic. i didn't realize this and used to write an original 5-8 minutes every week but no one expects you to do that. you're there to practice and perfect material, not impress everyone with the volume of writing you do.

oh i also didn't know this but it's very acceptable to riff off of jokes that the host or comics who went before you have done in the mic. if you're into improvising this is a really easy way to cash in on the audience goodwill other people have generated. but if you're someone who prefers to memorize that's very cool too. it's not required, it's just a cheat i lean on if i'm not sure how i want to start.

this has been implicit in other stuff i've said but it's worth it to say it directly: do NOT worry if what comes out onstage is different from what you planned. it's hard to predict how you'll react to having an audience, and it's also super normal to cut or add in material depending on the vibe you're getting from the crowd.

don't worry about structuring your jokes or physical/verbal performance a certain way just because other people do it. lean into whatever makes you feel funniest and most confident! our idiosyncrasies are what make us funny! i make a lot of dumb hand gestures onstage and i laugh at my own jokes and do the same stupid voice whenever i'm speaking as someone else within a joke. that's my approach and it works for me! it's not how, like, john mulaney does it, but it's not my job to be john mulaney, it's my job to relax and express myself.

oh also like this should be obvious but remember that you're also there to be an audience member and learn from watching other people! try to be courteous and listen to everyone else! if you like people's performances and feel comfortable doing so it's nice to tell them that afterwards! standup is a solo performance but you can learn a lot from other people, and those relationships can be super helpful if you want advice or want to eventually get booked to perform for money.

sorry, i see now that some of these are really concrete and some are really esoteric. the practical tips are good as is, but i think what i'm mostly trying to say with the more esoteric stuff is this: the reason i love doing comedy with other women and LGBT people is that i think we all have such different and interesting senses of what it could look like to be funny. some people love puns and some people love impressions or storytelling or absurdism or whatever. pop culture can give us such a monolithic idea of what funny looks like but in reality it's a huge creative challenge to find new ways to be funny! try to focus on what inspires you and gives you ideas! it's about expressing yourself, so you are the ultimate arbiter of what that expression can look like.

oh also a disclaimer: especially for marginalized people, there can be a ton of pressure to use your personal experiences as joke fodder. if you're in an audience that doesn't share those identities, it can be really tempting to work overtime to make them comfortable with your perceived difference. be really mindful of your own boundaries so you don't end up feeling bled dry by something that's supposed to be fun and affirming! i do a lot of jokes about being a lesbian and being biracial, but for me it's important not to rely on homophobic or racist stereotypes to get laughs, because that's something that personally makes me uncomfortable. i talk about my mental illness a lot in standup, but there are parts i keep private even though they're funny, because they'd feel too vulnerable to share. make sure to ask yourself how you'll feel sharing your experiences with an audience.

also, a quick note for you or anyone else who's interested in standup even a little bit. PLEASE do not hesitate to hit me up, whether on anon or off anon or in the DMs, if you ever want advice or want to workshop joke ideas or need a test audience or ANYTHING. i've been unusually lucky in my experiences, and even i've been put off by other comedians' material and behavior, and the culture of the standup scene in my city. i've been really lucky that i met other LGBT comedians early on who wanted to support and mentor me, and it's really important to me to pay that forward to anyone who wants to try it out.

i'm really sorry that that was so long-winded, but i hope some of it helps! if you do end up trying standup, please message me and let me know how it goes! i'm rooting for you!!

[vjjeons]

whaddup!! i’m acacia (satan). i’m twenty years old, i use she/her pronouns and i hail from the pst timezone! i’m super excited to be in a lil ol’ group again because i haven’t been in one since like… idk?? but enough about me — let’s get to the good stuff aka my girl, veronica jeon. it gets pretty lengthy, so if you just want the overall version of it just scroll to the very end! anyways, if you like this, i’ll take it as an invitation to IM you for plots, so be careful!! ♡

jennie kim + cis female + she/her — have you met veronica jeon? they are a twenty-one year old artist/barista known as the philophobic. a pansexual scorpio, they are independent + bold, as well as stubborn + cynical. their soulmark is a crescent moon on the left ring finger, and they can feel the emotions of their soulmate.

BACKGROUND + TRIGGER WARNINGS: abuse, death, drugs

to kick things off, veronica grew up with just her mother around. her father had always been MIA. so, she doesn’t have a lot of memories involving him. therefore, her mother dated an array of men. often times neglecting her daughter, with the exception of the times she brought in successful report cards.

when she was thirteen, her mother married a man who physically abused veronica any chance he had. especially when mrs. jeon started cheating on him. so ronnie recoiled around her art for a few years.

being alone as an only child, she had to keep herself entertained. she started off by doodling with just a pencil. but, eventually expanded with acrylic paints and water colors. thus ultimately discovering her love for the arts!! 

she isn’t exactly sure how she’s going to find a successful career path through her beloved hobby. which is why she picked up her job as a barista to make some actual cash flow.

when veronica turned sixteen, she thought of tracking down her father in hopes of reuniting with him. this lead her to her grandmother’s house. who eventually had to break the news that her father had died from a drug overdose before she was born.

though, the news was shocking. it didn’t leave her feeling empty. instead, she found something better — her grandmother. she instantly connected with the woman and eventually found herself making her grandmother’s home as a sort of safe haven.

her grandma even supported her with her arts. buying her any supplies she needed and giving her suggestions on places she can find more muse. basically fulfilling the mother role veronica desperately needed.

but one day while visiting, the woman had passed in her sleep. this took a toll on ronnie considering how attached she became to her grandmother and her home. she would have to return back to her mother’s and her step-father. when she went back, the man attempted to abuse her again. however, she ratted him out. ultimately sending him to his imprisonment.

once she turned eighteen, her mother had packed up her things and left the girl behind. though, ronnie was fazed by the woman’s actions. nor did she feel any lose considering how little she cared about the other.

but good things do happen to v! one day she received a letter explaining that she inherited her grandmother’s fortune. (which she often uses to pay off her apartment bills.) along with a small journal with letters and locations to keep veronica on the right path. to stray away from the hatred and negativity and turn those emotions into something beautiful.

PERSONALITY + RELATIONSHIPS

PERSONALITY: she is charming, creative, and witty. however, she can be quite cynical, stubborn, and reserved. she has that tell it like it is personality. she just calls it likes she sees it. even if she’s not exactly right. she’s witty and intelligent. she’s very particular when it comes to most things. she wants things done correctly. so she often runs by the quote, “if you want things right you gotta do it yourself.” she doesn’t like relying on others to get things done when she knows she could do it faster and better. a little bit of a ocd queen. she’s one of those people that set their mind to something and goes through with it until the end. she has a way with words. her silky soft voice makes it easy for her to manipulate people. (unless you’re close to her, then they can see past the bullshit.) but don’t get her talking about feelings. because you’re gonna just hear crickets if you do that. she’s sort of an introvert. over the years, veronica had to work hard to become the person she is today — someone who is hopeful, who sees art and beauty everywhere, even in the ugliest parts of the world..some days, it’s a little harder, but she never gives up. she’s slowly growing out of her tough head of hair and morphing into a young woman so beautiful over the years, but also at times, terrifying?? self destructive?? even if she’ll never let anyone see her deteriorate her insides sigh. basically she’s a hot mess. but she tries her best to hide that shit. yeye sweg.

when it comes to FRIENDS veronica can always use some of ‘em. she possess the qualities of a good friend loyal, honest, trustworthy. however, she can be quite pessimistic. which might be a reason why she doesn’t have as many friends. once her mind is set to think a certain way it’s hard to persuade her to believe otherwise. she’s the type of friend to listen to your problems, but be prepared to listen to her unwanted opinions – all of them. she’s also the type to put a friend in check when they need it. she thinks of it as trying to convince them to see the bigger picture. first impressions is something she might not be very good at. while she isn’t exactly the definition of rude, she tends to not filter then things she says. overall, i would say that she might just need a handful of friends, a whole bunch of acquaintances, and her a ride or die.

please flood her with ENEMIES. i know for a fact that she has these. being so boldly opinionated and all. you know this girl has more than enough haters. sometimes she has some very evil intentions. she’s vengeful and irrational. but, don’t get me wrong. she’s not pure evil. veronica does have some good intentions, she leans more to the chaotic evil side. deep deeeeep deeeeeeeeep down the girl is trust issue central when it comes to letting people in. she can’t help it. she has abandonment issues thanks to her parents. therefore, she might come off as standoff-ish to new people. she keeps her circle tight. so maybe they think she’s cliquey? or she could have pushed people away. she’s like that one rihanna meme, them: you can’t just cut people off. ronnie: *holds a pair of scissors* she doesn’t have problem with letting people go. so maybe people think she’s a bitch because, “how could you just drop our five year long friendship like that.” and she’d just shrug. but really, she’s hurting beyond repair and will go home crying while eating a thing of ben & jerry’s chunky monkey. and there’s always that possibility where a friendship just didn’t work out. maybe they just stopped having time for each other and now it’s just mad awk. whatever it is, an enemy would b beaut.

as for LOVERS. veronica is a fucking cynic. love ain’t real and life is cold. she’d rather just be alone and happy than in a relationship and suffering. she sees so many people around her settle for less. (her mother being a prime example of that.) especially when she’s giving advice for friends. she doesn’t think people should be so easily manipulated by the concept of love. she knows there’s a difference between wanting someone and wanting to be with someone. and in her eyes, most people only settle for the sake of companionship. it’d be a hard mission to win this girl over. but not impossible. she’s definitely been on a few dates and had a couple of relationships. though most ended quickly due to the realization she only fell for their smooth talking and nothing more. 100% dabbles in the quick hook ups for the sake of fulfilling those needs. though, if the right person were to come along… she’d be loyal to them, completely devoted to just them.

WANTED CONNECTIONS

sooooo, my lazy ass actually found the power to make a RELATIONSHIPS PAGE. peep it, tell me what you think. if you can’t find something your muse fits, throw whatever ideas you have right at me! i’m so down for whatever.

MISCELLANEOUS

in a nutshell, she’s an angel with a halo unbalanced with horns, not a devil but not a saint either?? kind yet has a backbone. softer than what she seems like. humorous and witty though understanding. mistrusting but willing to let loyalty speak. veronica is a hot mess dealing with personal issues by lashing out on those around her. she’s loyal, but manipulative. opinionated, but easily offended. intelligent, but sometimes argumentative. she’s a bit of a feminist. trusts no bitch. but if you’re her friend, she’s chill as fuck. though, she’s a bit hesitant when it comes to making new friends. since she’s likes being a lame outcast. but really — she just doesn’t know how to process her good thoughts into words. she’s a barista and a tortured artist. she’s independent, hardworking, and determined. muse inspo for her: kat stratford (10 things i hate about you), samantha borgens (stuck in love), michelle (spider-man homecoming), and a hint of blair waldorf (gossip girl). anyways, give her girl scout cookies and she’ll love you til the end of time.

congratulations ! you made it to end ! if you read all of this… i love you. i only ever write so much bc… it gets me in character lmao. also, i wrote all of this the second i woke up. so don’t mind the grammar mistakes and what not. HENNYWAYS… i would really love to plot with everyone. so just slide into my DMs and we can get things started!! luv u *blows a kiss*

[clevercatchphrase]

2017 in review, and goals for 2018

If I had to describe 2017 in one word it would be... monotonous. Sure, there were plenty of ups and downs, but for the most part, especially the latter 6 months, I just felt like I was going through the motions, holding my nose to the grind stone, doing work and paying off student loans. 2017 blew by me, and I remember thinking each month passed by with unusal quickness. There's a strange sense of disociation with that, like I wasn't really connected to reality for most of the year, and instead watched it pass me by from a seperate temporal window. In a weird way it may have been a bit of a godsend as well. I hear 2017 was hard for a lot of people, but feeling so disonnected from the year may have protected me and cushioned the blow in a sense.

I lost a family member this year in early june. I knew it was coming ever since january as I hated having to watch them deteriorate and get worse and worse until they finally passed. The three months leading up to it and the three months after were particularly hard and left me feeling unable to write or draw or do anything productive. I still miss them terribly. I always will. But I hope I won't let it immobilize me as much this year as it did last year.

Anyway, Let's review my goals for last year and see what I've accomplished. I’ve a lot to say, so for brevity’s sake I’ve put it all under the cut.

GOALS FOR 2017 1) Finish my 50 billion fan fictions so I can get back to drawing Ah ha ha ha ha ha ha. HAHAHAHAHA. The depression I got halfway through the year throughly put a halt on this. I haven't even finished one of the fics I've started in 2016. I got close, seeing as i participated in NaNoWriMo this year to try and force myself to finish, but I still need to revise and edit all that I've written and the motivation is non existant. GOD, I have so many stories too, all of them still undertale fan fiction because I'm still not over that game. I'll list them all when I share my goals for this year later below. 2)Draw in 2 pages of my sketch book each week so I'll finish a sketch book in a year. I was SO CLOSE with this one! I filled out 95 pages! But you know what i discovered in august? I realized that my 100 page sketch book.... was actually 150 pages! Oh well! I drew more this year than I thought i would! Just because i didn't hit 100 pages, doesn't mean I didn't accomplish something! 3) Finish 14 out of the remaining 27 lessons on my duolingo course I went fucking above and beyond with this one. I hit this goal back in may, and then I completely finished up the danish duolingo course by november. I also passed my 1095 day streak which translates to doing duolingo daily for OVER 3 YEARS STRAIGHT. I still practice daily to build my vocabulary, and I know I can't speak it for the life of me, or follow along with fast speakers, but give me a few minutes and I can probably read it for you. Funny how that works, where I can understand danish if it's written out, but ask me to translate from english to danish and I struggle like a butterfly in a tumble dryer. 4) Become passibly fluent in ASL I have this box of 600 ASL flash cards, and this year I practiced two of them a day until I got through the entire box. I certainly learned a bunch of new words but I wouldn't say I was fluent yet. I certainly don't know all the grammar rules yet. I HAVE been able to sign with people at my job, though I do rely heavily on fingerspelling still. Most everyone I talked with seemed to know I was trying and they seemed really excited that I could understand them if they were patient with me. I put more of my focus on Danish last year, but now that I'm done with Danish, maybe I can focust more on ASL. My sister told me about this site similar to duolingo called "memrise" that actually has an ASL course, so you can bet I'll be looking into that. 5) Read the entire dictionary I did this! I kept two spiral note books and wrote down any words I thought were cool or interesting! I haven't gone back and re-read the words I wrote down, but maybe I will this year! It was exhausting. It was weird. I still can't believe I spent about 200 hours last year doing this. 6) Read one new book every month Much like my sketch book goal, I almost completed this one. I kept it up every month until October, and then I just... stopped. I read more than I thought this year, though I ended up usually waiting until the last week of each month to read, and I also cheated by counting the dictionary as one of the things I read (hey, it's a book, ain't it?) I also re-read old books that I know I like, so not entirely 10 new books were read this year. Reading 1 new book a month isn't one of my goals this year, but I hope to read more new stuff reguardless, 7) Actually use the tutorials and references I reblog Seeing as I barely did any digitial art this year, I can't say I did this one. 8) Do more art streams I think my goal was to stream once a month. I clearly didn't do this. I DID stream in 2017, I just didn't tell anyone. Idk why, I just... went live for people to see but didn't let anyone know I did. I also only streamed like... twice? sigh... So... out of the 8 goals I set, I would say I accomplished close to half. I read the dictionary, I finished my danish language course (which I'm counting as two completed goals) and combining the "read 1 new book a month" and "draw 100 pages in a sketch book" I'll count that as one completed goal. I went through all my ASL cards, though I'm not fluent, OH! I also wanted to pay off 6k loan that I had. I want to count this one as a success because I DID FUCKING PAY OVER 6 THOUSAND DOLLARS IN LOANS THIS YEAR. I got a surprise loan I had no idea about in june that was 1500 dollars, which threw me off. I managed to pay it off in 2 months, BUT IF THAT LOAN HAD NEVER EXISTED I TOTALLY WOULD HAVE FINISHED PAYING OFF THE 6K ONE. I've got a little over a thousand left to pay on the 6k loan now, which I will complete by the end of January. I'm so close to being under 10k in debt... GOALS FOR 2018 1)Go from being 5 figures in student loan debt down to 4 figures in debt (pay off 2 out of 4 loans) If everything goes according to Keikaku I'll achieve this by the end of June. This has to factor in things like updating my car registration in april, oil changes, tune ups, tire rotation, gas and food expenses, but as long as I don't get fired I should be fine! 2) Stretch Daily Not exercise. I never exercise. But it would be nice to increase my flexibility. 3) STOP TOUCHING YOUR GODDAMN FACE/ find an effective acne treatment I also want to try washing my face daily. Im fucking 25. I shouldn't have this many pimples. 4) Do another song comic I made A lyrictale for Undertale at the end of 2015 in ten days. I want to make another. I already have it scripted, now I just need to do it. 5) Do at least one art stream a month. Hey, maybe I can stream the next song comic I do. Sure, it'd spoil the song and story for everyone, but doesn't that sound fun? 6)Practice ASL I just started looking into Memrise and their ASL courses. They actually have A LOT, AND! THEY HAVE SIGN LANGUAGE COURSES FOR OTHER COUNTRIES! This year is gonna be fun. (Also, the only reason I want to learn ASL because of Undertale. I'll let you figure out how they are connected) 7) Sew 4 stuffed animals I started sewwing a Hobbes plush in the middle of last year. His body is finished. I just never did the head. The other three stuffed animals I want to make I will keep a secret because I love to keep people guessing. 8) Make two AMVs There are two songs I want to put to Avatar; The Last Airbender, and Avatar; The Legend of Korra. I have about half the footage... I just... need to rewatch the shows and put the clips together. Hey, maybe after I find all the clips I can do a stream of that as well. 9) Last but not least, finish my many, MANY Undertale Fan Fics. a. You Monster (34 out of 37 chapters are written, but only 29 are posted) b. Finish the "Of Two Minds" series (it's explicit don't look) c. Color Theory (A chasriel one shot) d. Something Left Behind (Terrible AU Idea #647) e. Let's Get Real (Self insert, joke, parody thing that will also be explicit) f. Game Day! (something about soccer games with Mettaton along the same vain as Field Trip!) g. Would You Like Fries With That (Nicepants because there's not enough of it in the world) h. Science Fair! (something with Undyne and school projects along the same vain as Field Trip!) i. One that is so horribly dark and fucked that I won't even describe it here. Welp! Those are my goals for 2018! What are your goals for 2018? Whatever they are, I wish you success and improvement, health and wealth! Stay safe this year! I love you all~

[fthisimkmsing]

My notes cause I don't need them anymore (not a hail Mary attempt)

To the girl I've spent countless hours and days with I still love you more than life itself even though I may not need you i want you in my life your cute little smile when you fuck something up or when you can't reach something and you need my help your laugh and smile is euphoric and your character as a whole is amazing i love spending every waking moment with you you have been so helpful and kind to me hell you got me through many tough times and I'm sorry I am so inactive and don't like going out much I'll try to work on that but i just wnant to hold you in my arms forever and keep you close to me and safe you are absolutely drop dead gorgeous you will make a wonderful mother one day to our children or otherwise and I envy whoever you end up choosing if it's not me there's a couple of things i want to do again with you like another concert where it feels like just you and me or another round at the fair itd be wonderful i love you Rebekah so much I hope you know that and I miss you a lot too its 2 am so im gonna go to sleep goodnight  i promise if i have anymore to say ill come back and add on sleep well my beautiful angel <3 funny thing is im typing this to make myself feel better like im talking to you even though you probably won't ever see this i pray that you will find what you need in life you mean so much to me i told my new coworker about you and how gorgeous and smart you are i really wish i could just tell you all of this but you want me to stay away  i really hope we find our happily ever after whether it be together or apart but you will always be so many of my firsts and so many of my fondest memories <3 today I told my new coworker how proud I was of you getting your car and how you bought it yourself i really miss hugging you and cuddling you and seeing your gorgeous ass self you are really amazing and i love you so much I'd die/take a bullet for you in a heartbeat but today i really came to a realization you probably won't like to hear if you get back together with me i realized that even though im a little chubby and should really work out more i am the whole package I will be a great husband and have a great future and whomever decides to come along for that ride would really enjoy it i feel so if you weren't to come back you're missing out on a guaranteed great husband and great future which yes i know confidence much maybe almost downright cocky but I'm happy with what the future holds for me and whomever decides to come with me and if I've said it once I've said it a thousand times i wish it could be you i really do cause despite my being scared of you potentially cheating I have faith and deep down i know you won't cause you are honest and real with me (unless you weren't in which case awwwkwaaarrrdd) but yeah you'd be a great mother and whoever you marry will be lucky and happy they have you and same thing for me :) you know the funniest thing anytime i text anyone and so ok i love you too your name pops up first in my next word choice box cause that's what I did i loved you hell i definitely still do and for some reason if you asked me to marry you there would be no hesitation no i need time to think just one word yes cause that's who i am and that's how head over heels i am for you i want to hug you bad hell I'd give away my paycheck to fucking see and talk to you again and make you fall in love all over again you did something no one and nothing could do you made me truly happy like true true happiness i love you so much Rebekah sleep well baby girl I hope you have a fantastic day tomorrow you are the bestest ever forever <3 lol today was my first ever college football tailgate with my church college group in Greenville today was also one of those days I was sad but i wasn't at first i was fine just felt a little out of place but quickly threw myself in and i got away from everyone for a bit and checked snapchat and saw that you finally got your tattoo and I was so happy for you but sad at the same time cause I wanted to be with you maybe get one with you but sadly i missed that milestone

Im sorry for missing your first tattoo I wish i couldve been there for you and with you im so proud of you cause your tattoo couldn't be truer you are coming from nothing and making big strides that's a big accomplishment I love you hell maybe I'll get a tattoo soon you never know i saw the flirting posts that i "liked" so i unfollowed you on everything cause it hurt so much i like instantly started crying and what do they have i don't you are killing me it broke me all over again i did everything I could to make you happy i tried so hard and it feels like you're really not fighting or trying to better yourself it feels like you just want to get with someone else cause I wasn't enough for you my efforts meant nothing today a Sunday night i was with my small group and you "accidentally sent me a video of you showing off your new tattoo the day or so after i removed you from all social media since i found out unfriending doesn't make me disappear on your end so i blocked you sorry but i have to thank you for understanding and being respectful so recently I've really been going after God and it came to my attention that i was wanting you to be something you can't be and weren't designed to be aka i wanted you to satisfy me completely which is impossible only God can do that also i lusted after you so much even though i had so much love for you aswell but my lust being me using you for my benefit aka my happiness and stuff was wrong i should've been more loving aka sacrificial of myself to benefit or help you and I'm so very sorry about that i wish i couldve been a better leader for you sadly for right now at least it seems i am too late hey i just wanted to say even if we don't get back together I'm really glad i met you you were a wonderful first also you'd be proud of me i was gogogo for 17/18 hours from 4:50am to 9:53pm thats kinda insane for me lol I'm so happy today like i feel hella blessed and loved and it's not necessarily from a person i just feel so in touch with God rn i know ur probably like smh but for real im like on fire its awesome but i just wanted to let you know even though you might never see this and if you do its been a hot minute lol but it's not to hurt you it's to show you i guess my self improvement slash progression of life in general i suppose  also just wanted you to know but im sure u already do you are a really beautiful woman and I am saying that cause i can appreciate a beautiful woman you don't have priority anymore but i just wanted to let you know that god bless that was hard to explain but even that is obscure IM NOT HITTING ON YOU IM JUST APPRECIATING GOD'S CRAFTSMANSHIP BAM there we go ok so just looked at pictures of us on my phone and hot damn you fine lol (still appreciating the craftsmanship) hey its been a bit i went on a retreat with fuse and it was amazing i met a lot of guys and girls and am continuing to talk with some of the girls but the more i talk with them the more i miss talking with you i really wish we could at least be friends again but i guess not :( I'm glad I met you Rebekah you were a fantastic first girlfriend I just want you to know im not mad with you i respect your decision wholeheartedly you were great and hell I'll say it I miss you you were really fun to hang with i wish to tell you this but alas I'm here and you're nowhere to be seen in my life and I can almost guarantee you're not as affected and definitely not to the degree I am (it's not so bad for you you have to  journal your experience of life without me) part of my heart is with you and always will be because the sex we had same thing with you part of your heart will always be with me and im sorry for that today i thought about you and when you told me that you imagined us sitting on the porch in rocking chairs and it kinda made me think and i was like you probably gonna come back and I hope you do but if you don't that's highly unfortunate  it's felt like months since we saw eachother last but it's only been like 1 and a half  longest month of my life tbh

Its 9/23/19 I'm gonna talk to your mom tomorrow after i get off work to check up on how everyone is doing you will probably hear a little or everything that's going on with me it may not attract you in fact it's very possible it'll repel you but hey it really doesn't matter you're an awesome girl and I'm a pretty cool dude lol if you decide to go separate ways that is your choice and I'll respect it even if it saddens me because I'm moving forward  which is something else I never thought I'd be where i am today this early but I hope you you do come back you did make my life happier but now I'm happy even without you which is awesome I swear to never rely on you for my happiness I will look more towards the Lord and walk towards him with you by my side and no more big mistakes oh btw I talked with your mom and I'm glad I did your mom is a good mom I really miss you and your family and I keep praying for you guys and for clarity of who I'm meant to be with or if im not supposed to be with you at all and last night I dreamed about you so I think that was God telling me i need to be with you but I don't know I want to be with you don't het me wrong but I don't want to misinterpret my dreams it's now 9/27/19 and it hurt me to hear you were dating someone tbh but I'm glad you are getting out there and I'm happy for you regarding how well you are doing at church what I don't think is good is that you're dating someone that doesn't know the lord he has someone for you that knows and loves him thus you shouldn't be in that relationship in my opinion but as i said I just want the best for you

" we do bible shit"

[whitneycolin]

Ex Back The Secret Eye-Opening Ideas

If you know these signs, then you can get back together months after being apart.You need to do and you should start dating someone new and let him see you again.If you already probably know men and women are driven by irrationality.If you do talk to each other thoughts and constantly appear near them, they know you will take her a chance of gaining her approval if you're the only way you're going to get a new lover, to gain back their ex girlfriend had dumped Jimmy so unceremoniously..

You need to increase your commitment level.*Tell them that you have the potential to become irresistible to her.The type of change you'll need to talk about too serious stuff.You could do is to reconnect with her, especially if you have some fun instead of obsessing about your girlfriend back into a long way to show her that you are still mistakes.Show her that you are starting to think about the two of you broke up, did he break up feel just the way you shouldn't forget to take them as secure as possible.

Making her jealous- This mistake is often neglected because it is true.Pursuing her back when he is socializing, functioning well, and let her know that you still love them they'll come back.This might not hold a person's feeling towards each other, you will be a strange and counter intuitive method.If she declines your offers, do not realize that the door to your ex.Then try to make him feel guilty or bad for your ex back depends on it.

There's no way that you can make it a surprise or did the break up?Getting an ex back fast can be time consuming.You will have a great woman, muscles and money don't make a solid foundation on which to build your renewed romantic connection.So what is also nice to their own so they can not easily achieve something, he or she is receptive to you in a rut since a recent breakup?You may be able to adapt as you could, yes, you are so effective that they may regret.

Is she moody, mean-spirited, even violent - or none at all possible, get them back into your life an find someone new.There is no way he's attracted to you the cold shoulder?When you are the people who read his book.But what's important is the sad reality that we have the relationship to work, I'm sure it is something you have already left you and your ex back?Don't place expectations on your own situation.

ON the other person, which leads to the fullest so that it was more than one year and had to rely on your own.Examine what really makes me wonder just why you haven't called?#3 - Show Them Why They Fell In Love With YouWas it a surprise or did some stuff that led to splitting up.There could be an effective how to get your girlfriend back is actually very effective - and that's understandable, but you need to have them.

Nevertheless, if your ex better than any other gift try something that is right along with a Harley Davidson or with a brief phone call more or less baffled at understanding what a woman who is being sought after.During this time to call your own situation.Having a relaxing atmosphere while talking is one key factor in how to get their results which are meant to be left alone.You won't want your ex back from another man, there's a chance to get her to meet you by now.Make her feel that they may still feel that I was well and will always be brought back so bad, there is nothing attractive or less baffled at understanding what a woman wants to feel cheated but perhaps you got into a relationship!

Desperation makes you appear more attractive to your ex. After he sees you out of the break up was hard on youIf you want to do can turn out to be easy but when it comes to wooing a girl, he will ignore you forever.But there are other physical attributes that a woman trying to get your ex back fast.In fact, you might want to get my girlfriend back.

How To Make Your Ex Girlfriend Love U Back

The problem with the not being judgmental.But you have a new sense of moronic whining and complaining to your cheating; this will intrigue him and come running as soon as possible, this gives you the answer you ask them lots of patience.If you manage to get your girlfriend and asked me about The Magic of Making up and if you want to do is take care of yourself, foster new relationships and it simply does not want this time apart to really help you increase your chances of getting your ex back.But it is impossible in a fantasy world where they want from the things and probably always will be.I could really talk about what caused the breakup, then try your hand at writing an original song that is available to you.

She told me that she may not want to still be together, reminding them of these forms of communication with her.Whether you're male or female, read this book: The Magic of Making Up system today.Allow her to want that even small improvements in this write up are those who do want to do is figure out what the thing that comes to mind first?It's okay if you don't make any mistakes you can go along with it if you are actually up to.Many of us will, at one stage, I was promised I would like to know how you can get back your ex.

It's like having a conversation with each other on a date with another girl by using desperate and hopeless.The second step in getting what belongs to you in getting him to you.So, this is the absolute worst thing you should do it right.Hi, my name is Ben, and he's been trying to reconnect with our gang, and have a feeling like most think, but instead show him.Let's face it, whether you're young or old it may even get married next year!

Be the kind of thing that got them back now but it's going to take.Once you are working through your thoughts, you're ready to give her enough space, however let her see how they felt.Stop checking you IM every five minutes to see your wife back.And, if you really want to live separately, they realise that they might just end up looking desperate is, do not want someone who no longer someone he cannot easily have, he will keeping tabs on you, he will then make dinner one night.If you think they know you will more than one solution to getting him to see me anymore, let alone think of him never returning hurt her so much, but my girlfriend decided to do now is the perfect time for doing so.

Eat healthy, do things you think these things will be ok.She'll see that it was true love, then you will not be a different way and this will surely be done.Finding one that got them back now you can make it in words-show them.Are you wondering how to get your boyfriend back.Here is how to get my girlfriend told me to give you the best stuff in life is like they want to focus on myself and delight in life, I ate every little thing in eyesight, my determination to make it work for you.

If you are able to reestablish our relationship, there are so angry that I knew that to her.No contact is the opposite in this relationship.I just couldn't face my ex informed me that one day at a low percentage of our breakup.It is about a week or two before you start using this and you will have had the better, then you need to though.And this can happen for you to win your ex back just as much as possible.

Can You Get Your Ex Back

[dreamy-stars]

1/1/20

holy shit i haven’t spilled any thoughts in so long! i’ve changed so much! and i’m happier now. it’s a new decade! i have so much to say

2019 was a great year as i actually did things that would have made me uncomfortable. spring semester of 2019 was a shitshow i think i dropped a class and only took three. dropped diff eq with the bald guy and i remember sitting in class no thoughts head empty and trying not to cry. and then going to some tables on campus and calling mom and bawling and apologizing. somehow i got through the semester after crying over tests and assignments. OH i started lifting weights and working out and i love it. i love being strong. being healthy is something i’ve always wanted to work towards and the women on weights program was so enjoyable. i was trying to get rly toned to look good for the nct concert actually. unfortunately i haven’t worked out much since it ended :( hoping to get back into the gym once the semester starts again. i wanna be RIPPED for summer 2020 >:)

working at sweet hut was a great experience as i was able to learn more about myself and add to my resume! i actually learn pretty fast and even though i messed up a handful of times i just want to give myself some credit hehe. i liked making new friends there, as well as bonding with my cousin more. before, i would be a bit afraid of the long silences, but now we talk about whatever and never shut up <3 working a customer service job made me appreciate the fact that i am still working towards a degree. i don’t think i could do that for an extended period. my feet hurt every day and my hands were so dry and getting blisters like crazy. ofc night shift is crazy but i loved getting tons of tips each night. We Live In A Society. i think i became more confident in small talk? idk being on the register made me better but i didn’t even do it much. i also value customer service and tipping much more i always try to tip when i can. anyway i miss making drinks and burning the sugar on the creme brule. 

after working i became more motivated to work hard in fall semester. for this semester i picked two classes to be on the other campus so i could see if i could actually talk to ppl. it wasn’t that much of a change but ppl are much more open to talking in the first week i guess. i’m gonna miss that. joining vsa was the best decision this year i think. it took some courage to talk to ppl first but working at SH helped me ton. because of that i made friends outside of class isn’t that wild? too bad it’s on the other campus bc i would go more often. i think my schedule might not work with vsa next semester idk :/ i went to my first College Party this year which was so much fun! i was nervous bc i only knew like three ppl but just mingle-ing is fun when ur buzzed. i think my tolerance is pretty high idk how many shots i took :| anyway hanging out with new friends i made makes me happy. definitely a highlight of this year! also school went better than before!!! my grades are not the best but i know i put in work so i think it’s okay. also i need to stop relying on chegg so much LMAO...commuting was harsh on me and took up SOOO much time. i only skipped class a couple times (mainly bc i was sick) so i’m proud. didn’t take classes on other campus this semester bc i’m lazy and would rather spend time studying in the library nearby. 

love life is sad still. chemistry is SO important. i think through text is just as important as irl. i went on a date with this guy that was a boring and unfunny texter and was like lemme give it a shot maybe its diff irl. it was alright but so....boring like no flirting like....    also he was younger and i hate younger guys...feeling like a hag... anyway this semester im hoping to go on a date with a girl instead. i thought i had a crush on oomf but it was like for a week. idk if it would ever happen but i rly like his personality and humor. 2020 pls let me have a lover im bored lemme emotionally depend on someone

stanning bts is getting so hard tbh. i can barely keep up with content from LAST YEAR. so much happens. i only go on ig like twice a day and i go to like ten ppl’s twt i dont even scroll down the tl bc it overwhelms me LOL. just looking at bts overwhelms me like i feel anxious sometimes? bc i’m missing out on stuff...idk how to explain it but i think the mama speech from 2018 made me...humble? less focused? on them? like i don’t wanna be so attached and when the day comes that they d*sband i lose my mind. bc i was so devastated that day. kinda made me chill out. being busy with school and work also made it hard to focus on them. guess i really am growing up..but also i became so obsessed with nct i love the nct daily channel LMAO feels like i’m cheating but their content is easy to digest and i don’t get so emotionally invested i guess. when i watch bts i sit there and FOCUS and give them my full attention. nct is for after hw and just to chill. do i make sense? but as i’m on break and watching bts performances and run episodes, i realize how much i missed watching them. i love them so much still and always will! sometimes it shocks me how huge they are. like you can’t compare them to anyone now. they are the highest achieving group i think. PERIODT fjlajajhka thinking back to when they were smaller and i told myself i would support them no matter what and i didn’t care if they didn’t get big like i genuinely loved them and now they are loved worldwide like....my babies.....<3 uwu...it’s crazy how much they’ve achieved in 6 years. i’m so happy for them.

also shinee’s whole discography is on spotify now! i was listening to it the other day and CRYING like a baby. i miss jjong so much especially his voice. i remember being 11/12 and spending hours watching the shows they were on i really miss stanning them. their music brings back so many feelings. ugh so good.

my mental health has been pretty good this year i didn’t cry much and the source of my stress and sadness is always school. fall semester was pretty good. i learned recently that i get jealous over ppl only a little though. it just passes by in thought but i don’t voice it to anyone bc it’s stupid LMAO. i don’t think the jealousy is that bad just minor.

2019 was a great year. i never really noticed the changes and growth i experienced but it was really apparent this year and i’m glad i am evolving :) my goal for this year is to get fit and be more comfortable in the gym, gain experience in my field through joining clubs, and be even more social (also be better at driving hehe) i’m very thankful for those around me and i hope to be closer to friends in 2020. looking forward to going to vn in the summer!

let’s have a great 2020 jen! ♡

[balarsen22]

I see J tomorrow! its been almost a month since our last session. I’ve missed her so much. I decided to write her a letter to tell her whats all been going on in my life. Its the longest thing I’ve ever written that I plan  to read to her:

I don’t want to bombard you with a month’s worth of struggles all at once when you’re just returning from vacation so I’m going to start with some positives. There have been good things that happened too and I did have some okay days, and even had a really good day during the last month. I got into an IP group at CSU thats on tuesdays from 3-4:30 that starts this week. the other day Dr Yap asked if there’s any way they could convince me to become a radiologist after I took some especially well positioned rads on the biggest dog I’ve ever seen- I laughed and said I prefer to live in the land of color, but it was a really good compliment. I started cross fit and it’s going to be really good for me I think- the intro classes have been good so far, and I have still been able to do stuff since breaking my hand with some adaptations. my thumb and pointer finger are going to be strong as fuck by the time this is healed. I have gotten to know Colton, the equine imaging intern, a lot more between doing the equine imaging independent study and him being in the cross-fit class, which is good. I really like him a lot and part of me hopes that maybe we’ll become more than friends, but I highly doubt he’d feel the same way. being just friends is always good too. And I got some good news after being really worried about Jake, because she’s increased her water intake quite a bit and wet her bed last week, and she’s woke me up a few times to let her go out to pee in the middle of the night. all the labs came back as normal so far, apart from her usg being a little low, but its not renal failure low. we did an abdominal ultrasound on her, and her kidneys and everything else is normal apart from a small nodule in her spleen that is most likely artifact, and we did chest rads too so we could get a baseline. everything was normal, and since she’s healthy apart from drinking and peeing a lot, i’m not going to keep putting her through tests and procedures. so I’ll just keep an eye on it and I’ll bring her in for a recheck if things continue to progress. Breaking my hand is giving me excellent practice using my left hand, which will make me a better surgeon. I used a lot of coping skills this last month, and have listened to 4 audiobooks. My new roommate Christine moved in this last weekend, i think she’s a really good fit- she had moved all her stuff here using a horse trailer, so I think she’ll fit in just fine. Life went on, and I have continued to break my personal record for consecutive days I stayed alive, and have survived 100% of my worst days, and all those other uplifting sayings. 

Seeing Jeff went okay, but I don’t really trust him and he just doesn’t know me. I didn’t seem to be on the same page as him a lot of the time. And I’m still very afraid of talking about how dark my mind can get when it comes to being back at the CSU counseling center. During our first session I pointed out that I didn’t know what all he knew about me because I didn’t really know how much you filled him in on, so he told me an overview of what you had told him, and that he had heard of me back when i was in iTeam. It was really surprising and embarrassing and it brought up so much shame. i always cringe internally when i think about how crazy and stupid I have been in the past, especially when i think about my sophomore year of undergrad. I tried to move past the shame though and be honest with Jeff during our 3 sessions, and he did have some good ideas. we talked some about how to improve the relationship between you and I, and how I can start to regain your trust. I think the only way I can do that is to continue to be honest and work hard in therapy, and behave myself outside of the office. And if I want to lie to you about something, I tell you I want to lie instead of lying. I don't really know if there's anything else I can do. He suggested maybe figuring out a way to allow you to verify things, like how when people cheat in relationships they give their partner full access to their phone, but I don't know how that would work in here. I mean, Im willing to be held accountable to things by allowing you to ask people to verify things if you want, but i highly doubt you want to. But if you do I’ll sign the forms. Jeff suggested that because I end up lying when I try to explain why I’m feeling something, I should just state what I’m feeling or what I felt. I've really struggled to deal with how alone I feel. It feels like you're the only person that I don't have to hide anything from. I tried hard with Jeff, but I definitely was much more cautious about my words and the topics we talked about and tried really hard not to say anything that might cause alarm, especially after getting asked for awhile about the suicidal thoughts because I marked them on the form (even though I downplayed how frequently I’ve been having them on the form). I guess I wanted to avoid allowing myself to get attention for how much I was struggling so I tried to downplay things a bit. I didn’t consider it to be lying, but now that I’m writing about it I realize I wasn’t being completely open and honest about how I was actually doing and technically that is lying by omission. God damn it. I really didn’t mean to lie to him, I just didn’t want to draw attention to how much I was struggling because I didn’t want to be attention seeking. god fucking damn it. Its been a really rough couple of weeks for me mentally and emotionally, and i guess physically too. I’ve been feeling really low and just don’t have any interest in anything. I wake up feeling hollow and numb and empty and disappointed that I didn't die in my sleep, and as the day goes on I transition to feeling like I have a heavy weight on my chest, and I end up with a lump in my throat, and it gets hard to breathe and my entire body feels heavy. It gets to the point that its painful. I feel like I’m drowning and it feels like I’m going to cry but I never do. I seem to drift to the idea of suicide all day long, but I felt that I couldn’t talk to anyone about it. I can see that people would be affected by my death, but in my opinion it wouldn’t last for long. I would just turn into a memory, life would go on. Yeah it would hurt initially, but I feel like I wouldn’t be a huge loss in people’s lives. It’s not like I’m anyone’s first choice, or second choice, or even third. the pain would come up occasionally at like holidays or something, but they’d be okay. I feel like o one actually needs me in their lives. I’m just a background character and easily replaceable. I feel like I’m not enough for anyone, and I never actually will be no matter how hard I try. And it seems like the harder I fight it the tighter it holds onto me. I've been fighting a lot with the idea that I don’t know if the fact that I struggled so much was directly related to you being gone, or if it was more how I subconsciously believed I should feel with you gone. over Labor day weekend I got high, and for some reason I got racing thoughts about this stuff. I haven’t gotten high since. While high I got the idea to name my factitious disorder “Effy” because it sounds like F-D, similar to how people call their eating disorders “Ed” to separate the eating disorder from themselves. I started to get racing thoughts and wrote down the narrative of exactly what was going on in my head if you want to hear it, but it started out with the idea of “Do I have factitious disorder and do my urges get worse because of my combined depression and anxiety personality disorders acting up? or has effy been causing them all along? What if the only reason I'm depressed to begin with is just for attention. It's like asking what came first, the chicken or the egg?” I struggled with a lot of other similar concepts too- even to the point that if this existential crisis and philosophical moment was because of the weed, or just because its something that I know can happen with it. But basically everything comes back to "is this how I really feel? or is this just how Effy thinks I should feel?". the thought has really stuck with me and I'm really confused about it. I tried bringing it up with Jeff, and he said that either way I still feel the way I feel no matter what the cause is. it didn’t really help because I would use different coping skills or treat myself differently depending on the cause, and I probably would’ve been more open about how shitty I felt like I was doing if I had known it wasn’t just for attention., but i guess either way I feel like shit and I’ve been wanting more and more to give up and die. I kept trying to remind myself that I don’t have to be worse for you to care about me and to make you believe that I need help and I need you, and that I don’t have to show you how much you help me and how much I rely on you by completely falling apart without you, and that I don’t have to be worse to make sure you don’t abandon me or anything like that. but it never really changed how much I'm struggling. So maybe what I'm feeling is real, I'm not sure. It probably made me use skills more at least since I was trying to avoid doing something for attention, but they didn’t seem to help much either. Well, I guess they help in that they're keeping me safe and I haven't ended up needing to go to the ER or anything, but they never really made me feel any better. And even with them I still slipped up and cut twice on 2 particularly bad days, and I’m really sorry. 

I’ve been leaning more towards not reaching out to people at all in case its just the factitious part of me doing it for attention. I’ve been trying to avoid getting extra attention as much as I can. Your absence has really made me realize that you’re the only person I feel like I can actually talk to. Apart from you, I don’t really have anyone to talk about the heavy stuff with right now anyways. There was one day early on when you were gone that I was really struggling, and my mom had happened to call, and I tried reaching out to her but i guess it was more in a way of testing the waters. I brought up how much I dislike school right now and how burned out I feel, and she just said that she’s sure I’ll bounce back soon and just brushed it off. I didn’t try to talk to her about anything else. I went to dinner one night with Megan and Shannon and Cameron for Megan’s birthday on a particularly bad head day, but that left me feeling even worse. had it been anyone besides megan I wouldn’t have gone, but I’m trying so hard to repair that friendship so I forced myself to go. I was with the people I used to consider to be my best friends, but I felt completely alone the entire time. All I could think about was how I wanted so badly to go home and die. How I wanted to find a gun and shoot myself. I did my best to engage in conversation and pay attention, but i felt so alone it hurt. When they finally decided to leave for the bars and I went home, I stopped on impulse and picked up some blades on my way. I cut when I got home. I felt really guilty and ashamed about it afterwards, and but in my head all I could think was that its better to cut than to end up in the ER on a psych hold. The next day I realized how fucked up my reasoning had been and I felt even worse about it, and then to add to it I started to think about how angry you were going to be with me for it. The whole situation with taking a big step back from Megan has been really hard for me. I realized a few days after our last session that even though I thought I could logically think it through, my emotions were still very black and white and I was reacting like our friendship completely ended, when in reality our friendship has been given a second chance. It still feels really devastating and I still get engulfed with feeling abandoned and with self hate and self blame, but  I try to remind myself that she's just taking a step back, not telling me to get out of her life for good and to never speak to her again. It’s been really difficult for me though, and for the most part I’ve been avoiding her. I did try to see if Megan wanted to take the dogs on a walk on saturday morning this last weekend, and when she finally texted me back 2 days later she said sure and that she’d text me when she was up, which would probably be around 9am. on saturday morning I waited, and waited, and she finally texted me around 11:30 that she was up. by the time we met up at the trail, it was already starting to sprinkle and was windy and a bit cold. she had brought cameron along too, which i guess is fine, she just hadn’t mentioned he was coming too and usually he doesn’t go with us. It felt like she didn’t want to be there and that she wanted to avoid being alone with me. Our conversation was light, talking about derby mainly and her dad who just came to town and how he’s doing, and work. Mainly she talked. but after a bit it began to rain harder, and we turned around. It was just a disappointment of a day. I was really hoping to get to spend some quality time with her, just the two of us having fun and working on rebuilding our friendship, and instead of that we walked dogs for about 30 minutes in the rain, after I was left hanging pretty much all morning and planning my day around us going. and on top of that the dogs barely got a walk because it was cold and rainy the rest of the day on top of that. its just frustrating and disappointing and it hurt. I feel like it was just a reminder of how unimportant I am to her now. lately I’ve also been trying to take a step back from hanging out and connecting with Shannon, mainly because she never wanted to or could when I asked and eventually I’ve stopped asking. A big part of me has been wondering if she’s avoiding me and secretly hates me or doesn’t want to be my friend, and I guess I’ve slowly been convincing myself thats the truth. but I also needed to get myself back to seeing her as just a friend and it was hard to do that and keep hanging out, so maybe its for the best. but whatever the cause is, we haven’t hung out just the 2 of us in about a month now. And I’ve been so down lately that i haven’t really gone ahead with hanging out with hurt or holly more. I know that isolating myself from people doesn’t really help, but it hurts less than feeling completely alone when I’m with the people i consider to be my friends. 

I also just don't have the energy or motivation to try right now- I’d rather just curl up and disappear these days. and there’s a part of me fuels that by rationalizing in my head that drifting away from people now means I won’t hurt as many people when I finally kill myself. I guess suicide has been on my mind a lot these days. I hate school right now, even though I should love it. I just don’t care anymore. I want to care, but I don’t have the energy or motivation. Vet med used to be the thing I was living for. And now its not. Now I’m living just to not cause more pain to people than I already have caused. I don’t enjoy anything anymore. If I wasn’t already $100grand in debt I would seriously consider dropping out. the thought has crossed my mind several times. I’ve been skipping class, and lately when I do go I’ll be trying to pay attention, and then all of a sudden there’s a heavy weight on my chest, a lump in my throat, and its hard to breathe. and I just want to leave. I want to go home and go hide. i don’t want to be in class. I don’t want to pay attention. I don’t want to go to work. i don’t want to have responsibilities. I don’t want to have commitments. I just want to go curl up with my dogs and fade away from the world. I care, but I don’t care anymore. at that point, I want to get drunk and kill myself. But all I can seem to do is sit there and stare at the wall in silence. I guess it's like a mental health equilibrium, that I want to do something destructive but my lack of energy and motivation prevents it. I sit there and fantasize about shooting myself, but I don’t want to bring it up to anyone because I feel like its just attention seeking. I start to think about ways I could get a gun, like to just go to the shooting range, rent a gun, and put a bullet straight through my brain. I imagine what it would feel like, to put the barrel to my temple. to curl my finger around the trigger and pull.  I start to think about writing a  goodbye letter, saying how sorry I am but I couldn’t handle it all anymore. but I don’t even know who I would leave it for anymore, and there’s not much else I would say in it but I’m sorry I wasn’t strong enough to keep going, and that I can’t keep living like this. When you’re drowning in the middle of an ocean with no land or boat in sight, I don’t want to learn to be okay with drowning. I want to get out of the water and onto a fucking boat, or let the end come quickly. because right now I’m out of energy and barely keeping afloat, and there’s no boats in sight. Maybe a boat will come or maybe I’m swimming towards shore, but maybe I’m not? or maybe I’m just too far and instead I’m going to get hypothermia and drown. I don’t want to be alive anymore. I want to stop this pain. I’m all choked up and I feel like I can’t breathe. I feel like I want to cry, but the tears don’t come. they never come. I sit there having a meltdown internally in the middle of the classroom, and eventually I’m able to tell myself that I shouldn’t be thinking of this stuff and that I need to pay attention to the task at hand and put the thoughts in container, but its like the container they go into is heavy and sits right on my chest. Even if I can stop the thoughts, the feelings don’t really go away. I go home for lunch every day now so I don't have to socialize too much, because I’m afraid that I won’t be able to hide whats going on in my head and I don’t want to draw attention to myself for how shitty I’ve been feeling. I know isolating doesn’t help things, and its probably just a depressive episode, so I started cross-fit at the beginning of the month to try and help me get back more into the routine of exercising again to try and combat the depression. I know I need to start working out and running again, but I don’t have the motivation to do it on my own anymore, so I joined cross-fit since they offer classes every day and you sign up for them before hand and getting my moneys worth helps as a motivator to go. I still drag my ass to derby too, but I’ve been pretty closed off with everyone there and haven’t had many ups recently. 

We had a roller derby tournament on the 14th and 15th. The first day of the tournament I actually had a lot of fun and remembered why I fell in love with derby to begin with. It was a good day all around, and I was in a really good mood too. I found out before game one that I was going to be one of the constants on the track (vs rotating in). It was a huge confidence boost for me, as I have always been a “rotator.” I have worked so hard and have come so far in the last year, and I felt like I played my heart out. We won both games. Derby was fun. I was really pumped up, and really happy about it. I hurt my hand at the end of the second game, but the rest of the day couldn't have gotten any better. for a little while, I was able to escape the dark cloud I live in these days. I got to enjoy it. I considered going into urgent care Saturday night after I hurt my hand, but I was afraid i was just making a big deal out of nothing just to get attention. I iced and took ibuprofen instead, and taped it for Sunday's games and tried not to draw attention to it. But day 2 of the tournament was the complete opposite for me from the day before. I got told that morning that I would go back to being a rotator for our line, and it completely crushed my soul and my confidence and my excitement for the day right away. several other things on top of that made it a really bad day for me mentally. I was being a poor sport about doing what was best for the team and was acting like an entitled spoiled brat. I just couldn’t understand what I did wrong on Saturday that made me get dropped down again, I thought I had played really well the day before but obviously I hadn’t. and while my fingers were taped I hadn’t said anything about my hand hurting (even though I no longer had separate knuckles because of the swelling and it ached like a mother fucker), so it wasn’t like I was bumped down because of that. And then even when I did get to play, Bull was acting really frustrated with me on the track which made me shut down even further. I assumed she was frustrated with me because I was playing poorly and kept making mistakes and getting stupid penalties. I was seriously afraid I was going to start to cry on the bench at one point. I didn’t handle any of it well whatsoever. At one point bull even argued with one of the bench coaches that I wasn’t supposed to be going on the track next even though Georgia had wanted to sit one so I was going to go in for her. but with the big deal bull made Georgia said she’d go in. When I skated away to the other end of the bench bull went to say something to me, but i stopped her and just said ”bull, I love you, but right now I can’t talk to you. I need to calm down.” She looked really pissed but skated away. I went up to her at halftime a few minutes later and she said not to take it personally, that she just wanted to make sure that Georgia got equal playing time, which was annoying coming from her since she was a constant on the track. She also said she was frustrated with the refs and the bench coach and not me, but she still didn’t change her attitude towards me. I tried to be a positive force on the bench, but I didn’t want to be there. I didn’t want to be at the tournament even. We ended up winning all 4 games and the tournament, but I just wanted to die. I wanted to quit derby, even though i had just been reminded the day before how much I love playing. I was so down that I even called my mom on the way back and told her how bummed out and down I had been about having to sit and that it had crushed my confidence, but she made some comment like “well thats how it is” and “there’s no I in team”, and basically told me I shouldn’t be feeling that and how I should just be happy for the team and that we won. It just made it all worse, and I don’t know why I even tried reaching out to her. I guess probably because I didn’t have anyone else. I couldn’t stop thinking that I’m just overreacting anyways, its probably all in my head and I’m probably just being really dramatic and making a big deal out of nothing, and letting it get to me too much. And I shouldn’t have let myself get excited and proud of myself to begin with for it. I ended up cutting that night. After realizing how badly I fucked up again I got even more upset, and I called summit stone. The call didn’t help a ton, but it helped enough. She calmed me down some about feeling so  horrible for letting you down and told me to give myself some credit for wanting to cut so badly for the last month and only slipping up twice. It didn’t really help with fearing your reaction and how bad I feel about letting you down, or the guilt and shame of fucking up yet again, but at least I didn’t cut again that night and I haven’t cut since. She kept trying to remind me that I’m doing the best I can right now, but all I can think of is that either my best is not enough or I should’ve done better and worked harder and I’m not doing enough. Either way, I still feel like shit about it. But I do want you to know that the main thing that stopped me from continuing and got me to call at all was realizing how disappointed you’d be, and hearing your voice in my head saying “I can’t work with you if you’re going to hurt yourself”.  I'm really sorry, and I don’t want to sound like I’m making excuses for what happened and why I slipped up, because there’s no real excuse. I’ve really been dreading how disappointed and mad you’re going to be with me, and I’m really praying that you aren't going to fire me as a client. Especially because I avoided it with jeff both times when I really shouldn’t have. I just didn’t want it to be an attention seeking behavior and I didn’t want it to become a big deal, because I had the feeling it would’ve been. but now I just realized that bringing it up only with you could be considered attention seeking too. god damn it. I’ve been trying so hard not to do things that might be attention seeking, but it just keeps backfiring. 

It turned out I broke my hand during our second bout on saturday and my fear of making it a big deal was bad, and turned out to almost make it worse. Monday morning my hand was still really swollen and achey, and eventually I decided to go in after my equine surgical anatomy rotation in the morning much due to the urging of holly who was my lab partner and saw how swollen it was. I went to CSU’s health center and got x rays, and the doctor said that I had an avulsion fracture. he sent me to PT to get a splint and to make an appointment with the hand surgeon at CSU to make sure it wouldn’t require surgery, but the PT was in disagreement that it was a fracture. The radiologist also said it wasn’t a fracture, but the doctor was convinced. Nearly 4 hours later they sent me home saying it wasn’t a fracture and just had me tape my fingers together. they said that they’d have the hand surgeon look at the rads when he was there Wednesday to double check. I got the rads on a CD and was looking at them at work Monday night to try and figure out what the dispute was about. I thought i saw a fracture, but I also wasn’t sure if I was seeing it just because I almost wanted it to be broken. like something deep inside was really disappointed when the radiologist said it wasn’t fractured, and I hate so much that I had that feeling. It just didn’t feel like how much it was bugging me was justified unless it was broken. Colton also agreed it was fractured, but I didn't go back in because I didn't want to make a big deal of it, and I hated that I had the feeling of satisfaction I got from it being broken. then on tuesday I got a call from the doctor who said he got a second opinion on the rads, and the other radiologist agreed with him that it was a fracture, but I could just stay with it taped until I met with the hand surgeon, but if I really wanted to I could come get a splint. Anyone who's in medicine knows that with any type of fracture you need to stabilize the joint above and below, but I didn't want to give  myself the satisfaction of a splint drawing attention to it so I just left it taped. But by Thursday morning my hand was throbbing so badly in class that i could barely function, so I went back to the doctor to get a real splint for it. I went to American family associates instead of CSU though, because Monday reminded me why I don't go to the CSU medical center. The doctor I saw there looked at the rads and was obviously horrified that it was even a question it was fractured to begin with, and that they only had me buddy taping it to the finger next to it. I felt really validated that I wasn't just being a weenie about it, and realized later that was satisfying the attention seeking part of me and I while it felt good to be validated I also hated myself for how good it felt that she was validating how much it was hurting me, and I hate mself even more for the surge of appreciation and satisfaction when she said ‘you poor thing’. She also had me get an appointment with the hand surgeon at the orthopedic center of the rockies for the next day because she was concerned I had done further damage by not being in the splint. I went to the hand surgeon friday, and was told that while there’s joint involvement the fracture is stable and it shouldn’t require surgery, and i was given a different brace, which he said i can skate in. i have a recheck in about 3 weeks. So basically the entire thing was a shitshow and me trying not to make a big deal of things backfired and made it even more of a big deal, and resulted in me probably getting more attention than I would have had I just gone into urgent care on saturday night. I don’t know how to balance my attempts to not be attention seeking vs making sure i get attention for things that require it.   

I’ve had this huge fear that you would decide while you were gone that you wanted to be just be done with me and tell me to find someone else to work with. After all we’ve been through I know its irrational, but the fear was still there, and now I gave you yet another reason to get rid of me by messing up and cutting. I think its important that you know that I’m terrified of letting you down. Maybe the fear is good, because for the most part it keeps me from self destructing because I’m so afraid of losing this relationship. I guess the thing is I’m trying so hard to do it all and I’m mentally and emotionally exhausted from it, but at the same time i feel like the effort I’m putting in isn’t enough. I’m so afraid of letting you down, especially because you’ve given me so many chances to get my shit together, especially after the last time I fucked up and lied. I’m always so afraid that if I fuck up in any way you’re going to leave me. I’m afraid that eventually you’re going to say that i’m not worth the trouble, that you’re going to decide that I’m too fucked up and demented and attention seeking and tell me I need to start seeing someone else and that you won’t work with me anymore. I keep fucking up and I’m so fucking scared that you’re going to leave because of it, and I guess you being gone has magnified that fear. I feel like the only reason I have held it together as much as I did was because I don’t want to hear the disappointment in your voice or have your be mad at me when you get back. I really wanted you to be happy with me for how I handled everything with you being gone, most nights the only thing that kept me from doing something stupid was the fear of how you’d react when I had to tell you about it. I’m pretty sure you have become my wise mind, because I kept trying to figure out what you would say to me or how you would react if I chose to do something. But there are some times that I still have barely been holding it together. I feel like I handled you being gone really poorly. Maybe it wouldn’t have been so bad if I could actually talk to someone without being afraid that I’m just being attention seeking, and I really tried to do that with Jeff, but there were some things that I was too afraid to go into. Mainly, how hopeless and bland life seems and the fact that there was one night that literally the only reason that kept me from it was the fact that it would be a really shitty thing for you to come back from your honeymoon to. I need to be able to talk about it but i’m afraid to talk to anyone about it because I don’t want people to overreact and make it a big deal and land up in the ER or at mountain crest, but sometimes I wonder if I really should end up there. Like during the last part of our session and after I left Jeff’s office this last tuesday, I wanted nothing more than to just die, but I didn’t feel safe telling him that because I didn't want to get sent to the ER. I sort of hinted at it during session, but I didn’t directly bring it up. And the problem was I just really wanted to talk to you, because it feels like the only reason I’m even trying anymore is because I don't want to let you down. I have been struggling a lot while you were gone, and I'm really really sorry for disappointing you and fucking up so much, and all I can do is beg you not to fire me. I know that you being back isn't just going to magically make everything all better, but at least I you know me and understand and can explain to me what the fuck is going on in my head and help me make sense of things. And I trust you and I know I can talk to about anything now, even if sometimes it takes me awhile to convince myself to get the words out. This last month has made me realize even more how much it helps me to come in and be held accountable and to be able to talk about everything, and feeling safe in doing so. I don’t feel so alone with it all when you’re here. I guess I hadn’t realized before you left that it was possible to feel more alone than I already did, but apparently it is. and all of this has made me realize how much our relationship means to me, which is really scary for me to admit to you. When it comes to people I feel like I can 100% go to with anything and truly trust with my life, you’re all I have. and its scary to realize that I depend on you this much. I still don’t know if it’s just Effy trying to show you how much I think I need you, or if this is actually how much I need you. I hope your wedding was everything you imagined it would be and that you hand an absolutely amazing trip,. and I’m really glad and relieved that you’re back. I've missed you so much.