#and my dad suggested i go to therapy over this kind of thing but at the same time i dont even know if ill be willing to work on it | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

footballfanficwriter · 10 months

Note

Can you plz write a part 2 for the break up? 😭

The Break up pt2

Summary: oh man I've messed up big time

A/n: I've been getting a lot of requests for this part so finally here it is and it will be told from Jude's Pov also requests are open like always

What have I done, she's gone and I messed up, she had every right to leave in fact I'm surprised she didn't attack or cry she didn't even look disappointed, she looked drained more than anything as if she was expecting me to say the words that would come out of my mouth

I call my mom to tell her the news about the break up

"Hello?"

"Mum, she's gone and it's all my fault"

"What've you done now Jude"

"I cheated on Y/N and I guess she'd had enough of it and left"

"Jude, how many times have you done this and she's forgiven you, did I not tell you, did I not tell you that you'd lose her if you continued the way you did?"

"I know mum, but I need your help to get her back, I love her"

"Jude, there's not much I can do, I don't want to get involved in your issues, the only thing I can tell you to do is to go to therapy, because you obviously have a problem"

"Y/n had been suggesting that I do that for a long time now"

"Then I suggest you take the suggestion"

"I can't mom"

"Why not?"

"I'm scared"

"Oh, honey, I'll be there every step of the way ok, I'll organize the session in two days"

"Ok"

"Ok hon, get some rest and I'll see you later, I love you"

"I love you too"

I hang the phone up and walk to my bedroom that I shared with y/n, I stare at the empty wardrobe that was once filled with clothes that belonged to a girl that I love

I close it and just sit on the bed, trying to wrap my head around the events that took place

2 days later

I'm getting ready to go to training, then my first Therapy session, when I arrive at training I can't help but feel nervous about the therapy session

"Hey are you ok" Vini asks

"Yeah, I am"

Training goes on as usual and I get ready to leave for my therapy session when I arrive the therapist is very kind and welcoming

"Mr. Bellingham thank you for coming today"

"Thank you"

"Your Mother explained to me over the phone, that you are facing some personal problems, let's start with what those are shall we"

"My Girlfriend, well Ex girlfriend she broke up with me because I cheated on her on multiple occasions and she would forgive me each time and I guess she became fed up and left"

"Ok what else"

"I feel alone, lonely even like I'm just existing, Everytime I cheated on her, I always expected her to stay to be there with me even after all I've put her through"

"Well I'd be stating the obvious here but it sounds like you took her love and Kindness for granted"

"Yeah, can you fix me"

"I can't fix you Jude, that's up to you"

After a few more hours we end the session and I head home, to an empty house, I walk around the house remembering all the memories we shared, the laughs, the fights, that now seem so sweet in her absence

Fast Forward 12 months Later

Therapy has been going very well, my therapist says I've made a lot of progress and that If I continue this way then I won't be needing Therapy anymore

But we're back in England right now for a little Family get together and I'm glad we're doing this because it's been a long time since we've been out as a family

"Where is Y/n" dad asks

"Oh uh we broke up" I say

"Why?"

"I chea-

"She had to move away" mom says

I at her with a shocked look and she ignores it by continuing to eat her food

Jobe gives me a look and I give him a look telling him I'll explain later

"So Jobe hun, how's it been? Are you settling in well at the club?"

"Yeah mum, it's great, I mean I obviously miss Birmingham and stuff but Sunderland's fans are amazing they are great"

"When's your next match?"

"In two days"

"Great we'll be there to support you then"

"Great"

We finish having dinner and I go to the lounge just to scroll on Instagram

"Do you want to tell me what all that was about?" Jobe asks

"Not really "

He sits in the sofa next to me and looks me in the eyes

"C'mon, speak up"

"Fine, I cheated on her, not once or even twice more than five times actually"

"What?"

"Yeah, and she stayed all the times I did, until she got fed up with me and left "

"You're an idiot you know that"

"Oh thank you so much for the encouraging words Jobe"

"How can you cheat on a girl like Y/n, you've really messed up"

"Yeah, I know, but I'll get her back don't worry"

"You know what I think so too"

"Really?"

"No, I was just saying "

"Get out of here you Twat"

"Yeah yeah whatever I need to get some rest anyway, I'm tired of your shit"

"You're just jealous"

"Jealous of a person that cheated on his girlfriend more than twice now he thinks he can get her back?, I knew you were crazy but I didn't know you were delusional as well"

"Leave Jobe" I say throwing a pillow at him

2 Days later

It's Game day for Jobe and he's been nervous about it like he is before every game

"Mate calm down, you'll be fine"

"It's not like you're gonna die"

"Jude don't say that"

"But you're not, you'll live to see another day unfortunately"

"I'll also live to have a girlfriend that I won't cheat on"

"You know I'm going to let that slide because you're nervous, look at you you're sweating"

"It's because of how hot I am can't you see"

"I don't think the mirror would agree"

"You know who else wouldn't agree with certain actions that a certain person did"

"Who?"

"Dad"

"Boys c'mon we're gonna be late" we hear dad call out from downstairs

We walk down the stairs and drive to the stadium

Jobe goes to the dressing rooms and the three of us take our seats as we watch them warm up and watch people start to fill the Stadium up

Amongst those people I see a couple holding hands reminding me of how I use to do that with Y/N in public

They sit right in front of us and start talking

"Yeah I spoke to mom she said it was ok" the guy says

The girl doesn't say anything she simply nods her head

I see the guy take the stadium in and looking around until he turns his head around and notices me

"Shit it's Jude Bellingham" he mutters

"Hi you alright" I ask

"Yeah I'm great mate, do you mind taking a picture"

"Sure"

"Babe can you take the picture for us"

We both stand up and he hands his girlfriend the phone

She takes the phone and the minute she turns around I freeze

It's her

"Shit" I hear mum mutter behind me

"Smile" she says

Her voice, i missed it

I smile and she takes a few pictures then hands the phone back to her boyfriend

"Thank you so much" the boyfriend says

"No problem mate" I say and bit back down

" you alright?" Mom asks

"Yeah great"

Y/n she looks tired, exhausted even like she hasn't slept in ages

"She looks sad" mom says

"I know, it's worrying honestly"

"What's worrying?" Dad asks coming back with food

"The probability of the game" I say

"What, you don't think Jobe can make it?"

"I do I'm just saying did you see how stressed out he looked earlier"

"That's Jobe before every game"

Kick off starts and Sunderland are already 3 points up by the 43rd minute

Jobe assisted in one and scored a brace hopefully he can turn it into a hatrick

By the end of the time the match ends scores are 5-0

And we watch the players wave to the fans and thank them

As Jobe is waving I wave at him and he notices me, I then indicate for him to look in the row before me

He looks and sees Y/n and her boyfriend leaving

He looks back at me and starts laughing from the pitch

I hate this idiot

We meet up with him outside the stadium and shower him with congratulations and tell him how well he played, dad then gives him a match debrief about the things he needs to improve on and what things he did great

In the car Jobe and I are texting about the whole Y/n situation because we can't verbal communicate in the presence of our parents

Jobe: so how did you see it was her?

Jude: The boyfriend recognized me and he asked for a picture

Jobe: and he asked Y/n to take it

Jude: oh wow look at that you're not as stupid as you look

Jobe: That's because I'm hot

Jude: in your dreams 💀

Jobe: stop changing the topic, did you talk to her

Jude: no I couldn't but she looked really tired and sad

Jobe: like how?

Jude: like she's been bothered about something

Jobe: did she at least look happy?

Jude: no, she didn't even acnowledge me, she just said smile, took some pictures gave the phone to her boyfriend and sat back down

Jobe: she's still mad at you

Jude: yeah that much is true

Jobe: I'm sure whatever it is it's not that big of a deal

Jude: whatever it is I need to know what is happening, I want to help her it's the least i can do after the damage I've caused

Jobe: and you've caused a lot of it, a lot is even an understatement

Jude: ok thank you very much🙄

Jobe: so what are you gonna do?

Jude: find out what's going on with her then help her

Jobe: and you're not doing all of this to get back together with her are you?🤨

Jude: no I'm not, seeing her today made me realize that her and I can never be a thing ever again, I've hurt her to much and I don't want to hurt her again

Jobe: ok, that's good, so where are you going to start Sherlock Holmes

🧐

Jude: social media, I'm going to look for her social media and start there

Jobe: it's giving stalker 🤭

Jude: I just want to help her

LJobe: ok Mr. Stalker

Jude: Jobe stop

Jobe: ok fine I'll help you since you asked so nicely

Jude: oh how sweet of you🙄

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exhuastedpigeon · 10 days

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Fic authors self rec! When you get this, reply with your favorite five fics that you've written, then pass on to at least five other writers! Spread the self-love 💞

This is so fun!! Thanks for sending it to me! I went with favourite fics I've written in the last year because I've written over 150 fics & I can't pick all time favs, that's too hard.

loves a game, wanna play? This is maybe my fav fic I've ever written. It was so fun to write and posting it daily and reading all the comments as I posted was the most fun I've had in this fandom. Buddie | Mature | 57k

Buck Confessional - Day 1 “Why am I really here? I mean free vacation right? And Eddie - he needed a distraction this summer. He went through some shit last month and I think getting away from L.A. for a bit will be good for him. I couldn’t just send him on his own, what kind of friend would do that. Oh, why did I pick Maya? She seemed really cool. Eddie Confessional - Day 1 “I mean, I really miss my kid. I think that’ll be the hardest part of being here. When Buck suggested it I said no at first, but he convinced me some time out of L.A. would be good. I think he’s right. I just had - well I guess it’s a confessional so I’ll tell you. I just had a really messy breakup, my fault, and my therapist suggested I try new things. Reality TV is obviously new. God why do I feel like I need to ask what my penance is?” or In the aftermath of Chris leaving for the summer, Buck convinces Eddie they should apply for Love Island together.

give your heart and soul to charity Did I channel a lot of my own religious trauma and healing into this fic? Maybe so. Buddie | Teen | 12.5k

“It’s been a while since you asked for an emergency session,” Frank says, voice even as always. “Can I ask what brought this on?” “I think I just dumped god,” Eddie says and then he bursts out laughing. He can’t control it, he knows he sounds manic, like he’s somewhere between laughter and a breakdown, edging closer to the breakdown. “Holy shit I did dump god.” “I’m going to need just a little more than that,” Frank says and his face looks torn between concern and amusement. or Eddie dumps God, gets some more therapy, accepts parts of himself he was taught to hate, loves his best friend, and loves himself.

lay your cards down, down, down In March I had a minor breakdown and wrote three fics about different version of Chimney's bachelor party. This one is my favourite. Buddie | Teen | 6.3k

Buck and Eddie get drunk at Chim's bachelor party and wake up married.

there ain't no turning back Buddie | Explicit | 28k

Eddie let out a yelp when he finally took in the room. It was a two queen room, white blankets, a TV, a desk and chair near the window, nothing about the furniture was strange, except for the fact that Buck was lounging on the bed closest to the windows, his legs crossed at the ankles, feet clad in MIT socks that he’d gotten for himself the day Chris sent his application in because Buck was that confident he’d get in. “You made good time,” Buck said with a grin, his eyes bright as he looked at Eddie. “You’re here? How are you here?” Eddie felt like crying as he toed off his shoes and walked over to Buck. Or The Buddie healing roadtrip no one asked for

it hurts to hope for more This fic is so personal and important to me. Content warning for discussions of abortion. Buddie | Mature | 15.5k

“I’m never - I’m never going to be a dad,” Buck sobs into Eddie’s shoulder. “She didn’t want kids. Why do I keep dating people who don’t want the same things as me? Is- is the universe telling me that I don’t deserve it?” “Hey, no,” Eddie pulls back from the hug and Buck lets out a pitiful sound at the loss of contact. “The universe doesn’t do that. The universe doesn’t scream and it definitely doesn’t get to tell you what you deserve, because you deserve everything Buck. Everything.” or Buck wants to be a dad, it takes a couple break-ups and a major non-romantic heartbreak for him to figure out that maybe he already is.

#asked and answered #my fics #buddie #buddie fics

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crypticjackal13 · 2 years

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Can I request Mk x Female s/o who can best be descibed as 'soft bunny' the small, quiet, sweet and soft type. And by complete accident when visiting his gf he meets her father for the first time and, unlike his daughter, he is Terrifying, stoic and stone faced, build like sandy, and looks like he eats grizzly bears and metal bars for breakfast. Bonus for extra funnies, he doesn't even dislike Mk, he's a protective sure, but he's mostly curious but his aura makes his questions sound threatening.

Bam boom bop!

"Power Move" (798 w.c)

MK x Fem!Reader

Funny Romantic Oneshot

Pronouns: she her

CW: None, comment if there is

“MK! Good, you made it!” Y/n waved from her home’s front porch as she saw MK’s delivery vehicle pull into her driveway. He waved too, jingling the keys in his hands as he walked up to his girlfriend and gave her a kiss.

“Just so you know, I can’t leave just yet so we can get to the park. My dad’s working on fixing my sink,” she led MK inside, pointing over at the kitchen. “We can head out after he’s done.”

“Your dad? Have I met him?” MK peeked in, really only seeing a pair of legs sticking out from under the sink.

“No, I don’t think you have! Here,” she went into the room and poked one of the ankles with her foot. There was a surprised grumble, before a man who was built like a truck appeared. MK could feel his soul leaving his body. How could someone so sweet come from…this utterly terrifying man??

“Dad! This is my boyfriend, MK! You know, the Monkey Kid!” She introduced MK, tugging on his arm to bring him closer. “MK, this is my dad!”

“Very nice to meet you, Mr. l/n!” MK stammered. The towering figure reached out a hand. When MK took it, he thanked Buddha he had mystic monkey strength to handle the pure strength of his grip.

“You too, kid,” Mr. l/n seemed to glare down at him, but then when he looked at his daughter, he seemed ever so slightly softer. “Why is he here?”

“We’re going to go meet up with Mei and Redson at the park in a little while! Kinda like a double date!” She smiled. He grunted in response before turning back to the sink and turning the faucet to see if it worked. Unfortunately, the pipe underneath started dripping water.

“Mind if I have a look at it, sir?” MK cautiously stepped forward. Gods, it was like when he first met Sandy. Except there was no way this guy had ever met a therapy cat.

“You can try.” He scoffed. MK rolled up the sleeves of his jacket and went under the sink. He found a wrench and tried to adjust things, however it kind of exploded when he thought he’d fixed it.

“Dad, you need to turn off the sink first.” Y/n commented. The water stopped. MK sighed, but then a lightbulb turned on in his brain.

“I can shrink myself down to see what’s wrong in the pipes!” He suggested.

“That’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard.” Mr. l/n said. However, y/n gave a thumbs up.

“Hey, there ya go! I’ll shine a light down there, and give you some string to hold onto!” She left the room for a moment, leaving MK alone with her dad.

“How long have you been seeing my daughter?” The sound of his voice was much more intimidating now that it was just them.

“Uh, a little while now actually!” MK responded.

“If you hurt her, I’ll squash you like a bug. Capiche?”

“Yup. Hear ya loud and clear.” MK was shaking in his boots, but then y/n came back into the room, flashlight and string in hand.

“Alright, think tiny!” She said, and MK transformed into a much smaller version of himself. She caught him in her hand and set him on the counter, where she tied a bit of string around him.

“I’m ready, send me down!” He called. She dangled him over the drain and slowly lowered him.

It was dark, but not for long as she got the light on. He could see a large blockage of something just up ahead. He saw how some of the water that had been going earlier was pooling around it, so that it couldn’t go through. MK tugged on the string and was helped out of the drain, where he made himself big again after untying the string.

“There’s a chunk of something in there. If you get it out, it should be fine!”

“Hm.”

Mr. L/n got back under the sink, putting on some gloves and detaching the pipes from each other. The blockage was removed and then the thing was rebuilt. Running the water again, it went smoothly.

“Oh good! Thanks, guys.” Y/n thanked the boys. Her dad stood up again and actually smiled a little.

“Thanks, kid.” The man spoke firmly, but his tone was different in a positive way.

“With that all sorted out, let’s get going! We don’t wanna keep the others waiting too long!” Y/n said, giving her dad a quick hug and heading toward the door with MK in tow. He waved at her dad and then they piled into the deliver vehicle to got see the others.

Well that went well.

#lego monkie kid #lmk headcanon #lmk x reader #lmk #lego monkie kid headcanons #oneshot #romantic oneshot #fem reader #lmk mk #lmk qi xiaotian #monkie kid x reader #monkie kid mk #mk x reader #mk x fem reader

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dabiscarpet · 3 months

Text

First time with bf tooru oikawa x fem! reader

Disclaimer: suggestive ?) if you squint?) just some teenage love

★ Female pronouns used ★ 3rd person writing ★

A little drabble I had in my drafts for awhile. I'm so soft for oikawa tooru and everything he went thru 🤧

Not proof read! Just my foggy sleepy brain trying to put two sentences together and make it look pretty

♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡

Meeting because her dad is his physical therapist and boy does he get injured since he was young.

She used to spend a lot of afternoons at his therapy center waiting to go home while doing homework or just chatting with customers. Since he was an frequent, over the course of months, they became good friends, bonding thanks to vb since she also play in a girls team.

She has a strong, but also kind and considerate personality, and always becomes soft for him; that's her major weakness. Although when needed, she is strict with him, and he loves that about her. That's one of the main reasons he fell in love: she pushed him to keep going

Her dad loves him too: let's him spend the night all the time, drops her off at his house, picks her up, makes him feel part of the family. He's their no.1 fan

♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡

Dad is late one day when he goes out to dinner with his colleagues, and there's a storm outside. Tooru is at her house, doing homework with her (even tho they're in different years & schools, this is a nice way of spending time together). She then suggests that he stays as usual, because it's raining heavily and he came riding his bike. It's Friday, no school tomorrow, only afternoon practice with the team... Seemed like a good idea.

After some time goes by, she decides to take a break and prepares snacks. When going back to the table, she noticed he's tense over some exercises. She leans over his shoulders, hugging him from behind and watching the complex math problem halfway through.

"maybe take a little break, you can finish this later tooru"

"hmm maybe ... " But it took a bit more convincing that that, including a few hand fed snacks. He looks over his shoulder at her after biting on a grape from her hand. "Can I take a shower please?"

"of course!" And she places a kiss on the back of his neck. All the accumulated stress, anxiety, tension, expectations, goals... everything he carries on his shoulders suddenly crumbled, as he felt the touch of an angel on his skin. He lost it and moaned out in pleasure, in relaxation, covering his mouth immediately.

She's aware of what she just did, so she continued to pepper his neck and the back of his head with kisses. He relaxes into her warm touch soon, already feeling the sanity escape from his mind with those little touches, but that's all he needed. He then turns around suddenly, trapping her face with his hands.

"your dad will hate me for this, but I can't stand it anymore..... I love you" and he kissed her with such passion that no other 17 years-old boy could ever even imagine. The world around them disappearing, the sound of the long forgotten rain only barely audible in the distance despite the heaviness of it. Humidity doing it's job and making clothes just an extra hassle.

Fast forward, and things get steamy for the first time, as she ends up naked on top of him, in her bed, noises muted by the heavy rain. Some ridiculous math problem long forgotten, as more important puzzles were being put together, both of them trying to figure things out together for the first time, the alignment of their feelings and hearts making even their breathing synchronized, leading the blind path for the young couple.

Soon, the morning starts showing itself through the open curtains, ignored the night before. She founds happiness by waking up cuddled next to his warm body, in his warm embrace, watching his soft features relaxed and at ease for once. Tooru had never looked happier and more at ease, an ethereal gleam surrounded his aura, and his beautiful chocolate eyes revealed the utmost confession of love for his one and only, holding her firmly into his arms, vowing to even destroy the world if necessary just to get to spend every day of his life forward with her, sharing moments like those.

♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡♡

#boyfriend oikawa #thots #oikawa tooru #oikawa x reader #haykiuu!!#hq #oikawa #tooru #loml #i probably shouldn't have finished this while literally having my eyes close

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beachswiftie99 · 7 months

Text

Gift exchange

Hope you enjoy this story, @aroeddiediaz !

Prologue

Saturday, March 30th at Venice Beach, California

“Can I ask you something, Eddie?” Buck said to Eddie as they walked their family dog, Milo. Milo is a 4-year-old golden retriever who loves the beach, especially long walks on the beach with his family. Eddie rescued Milo from the Best Friends Animal Society in January. He realized the family needs a pet, and Christopher has always wanted a dog.

“Of course, Buck. What’s up?” Eddie picked up a seashell and put it in his beach bag.

“Am I a good father? I don’t want to be like my parents. I want to be a good dad for Christopher, but I don’t feel like I am enough. I never feel like I am enough.” Buck looked at the ground and stopped walking.

Eddie took a deep breath and stopped walking. “Buck, I am sorry you are feeling this way. But Christopher loves you and says you are an amazing father to him. I know your heart, Buck. That’s why I chose you to be Christopher’s guardian when I got shot two years ago, and one of the many reasons I married you. You are not like your parents. You are always present and support Christopher through the good days and bad days. None of us are perfect parents, but you are there for Christopher and truly care for him.”

“Thanks, love. But I still have these lingering feelings that I am not enough.” Buck wiped his eyes and squatted down to pet Milo.

“Have you talked to Maddie and Dr. Smith about these feelings?" Eddie squatted down to pet Milo. Dr. Smith is Buck’s therapist that he has been going to for the past few months. Eddie suggested therapy for Buck to work through his trauma.

“Yes. Maddie told me the same thing that you told me, and Dr. Smith gave me strategies for dealing with intrusive thoughts. I identify the thought as intrusive, and I don’t fight it. I also work on not judging myself for having these thoughts. Dr. Smith told me that there is nothing wrong with me for having intrusive thoughts. I also journal my thoughts.” Buck looked at Eddie and continued to pet Milo.

“That’s good. I am glad you are getting the help you need. Life is hard, Buck. It is always hard. But you have come so far from when I first met you about seven years ago. You are not like your parents. You are kind, hardworking, friendly, and a great husband and father.” Eddie touched Buck’s shoulder and stood up. Buck stood up and started to walk to the shoreline.

“Thanks, Eddie. This means a lot to me. I love you.”

“Love you, too, Buck.” Both continued to walk in silence. Venice Beach was busy today with tourists taking pictures of the ocean, children flying kites, people building sandcastles and playing volleyball. Off the shoreline, people were bodyboarding and surfboarding. It was a peaceful sight to see. Buck realized this: he needed a vacation.

Buck stopped and grabbed some green sea glass. “Eddie! I have an idea. It’s crazy, but it’s a good idea.”

Eddie stopped walking and turned to Buck. “I am all ears. Your idea isn’t a prank war or a threesome right?”

“Eddie, no! Unless you want a threesome.” Buck winked at Eddie.

“Buck, no. I want you all to myself.” Eddie rolled his eyes and winked at Buck. “What’s your crazy idea? I want to hear it.”

“Let’s go on a vacation! And use our personal time off!” Buck exclaimed with a gleam in his eye.

“Buck, that’s not a crazy idea! We both need a vacation! Where do you want to go?” Eddie pet Milo.

“Don’t you want to go to Vienna, Virginia? Or is it Vienna, Austria?” Buck suggested.

“Austria! I really want to go there. I love German food and the Sound of Music. What a great idea!” Eddie smiled with a gleam in his brown eyes. “I will start planning it over lunch.”

“Dr. Smith recommends I take a vacation, so I am SO doing it.” Buck laughed. “Let’s start planning.”

Chapter 1: Preparation

13 hours until the 8 am flight to Boston

It was a busy night in the Buckley-Diaz household. Eddie, Buck, and Christopher all had their suitcases and carryon bags in the living room. The family dog, Milo, ran around the house and was licking Christopher’s face. Eddie read off his packing list with all the essentials they needed for the trip overseas.

Buck, Eddie, and Christopher are heading to Vienna, Austria for a family vacation. Eddie has always wanted to travel to Austria and Buck proposed this idea after he fully recovered from his freak accident. After two full months of physical therapy, several psychiatry therapy sessions that he still attends to this day (thanks, Eddie!), and a month off from work to recover, Buck felt like himself again, physically, and emotionally. He realized that life is fleeting, and he wants to spend time with his husband, Eddie, and their son, Christopher. But the trip is finally happening! They are all flying out of the airport tomorrow into Logan International Airport. Buck wanted to spend three days in Boston before flying out to Vienna, and Eddie wanted to see some sights in Boston. After a long week of helping others, Buck needed this vacation. Time to just relax and dance the waltz in Vienna with his one true love, Eddie.

“Okay! We are on the last few items. Does everyone have their passport? Christopher, I have yours right here with me.”

“Check.” Buck said as he pulled out his passport.

“Government-issued ID or License?”

“Check.”

“I have it, dad.” Christopher says.

“Toothpaste, toothbrush, and toiletries? Do I even have my travel toothbrush? Or is it lost? Oh, Dios Mio, if I forget or lose my toothbrush, I will be so-“ Eddie exclaims, and looks for his suitcase and toiletry bag.

“Eddie, you have everything. You have been packing for like three weeks. Don’t worry, you planned this trip a month before we even got the plane tickets.” Buck says to Eddie and touches his shoulder. “Besides, I brought two spare toothbrushes in my carryon bag if one of us forgets our toothbrush.” Buck smiles and pulls out his spare toothbrushes from his backpack. “Chris, I learned from the best.”

Christopher agreed, “Buck, you truly did! I’m proud of you; remember when you were SO disorganized. Even more disorganized than me” He smiled at Buck.

Buck rolled his eyes and messed up Christopher’s hair. “Chris, you are one of the most organized kids I know. You and Eddie made me more organized. How about let’s all make some ice cream sundaes and popcorn as we watch the Sound of Music?”

“I love Sound of Music!” Christopher exclaimed.

“The hills are alive with the sound of music!!!” Buck belted.

“I’ll prepare some popcorn and ice cream! Come on and help me, Chris!” Eddie said.

“Coming, dad!” Christopher left the living room and walked to the kitchen.

“Buck, what do you want on your ice cream sundae?” Eddie said from the kitchen.

“Coming, Eddie! I am gonna make the best concoction.” Buck put his toothbrush in his carryon bag and went to the kitchen.

“Chris, what are you adding to your sundae? You don’t need all that sugar!” Eddie took the sprinkles away from Christopher.

“Okay, then I will add more peanut butter.” Christopher opened the peanut butter and scooped two spoonfuls on his vanilla ice cream. Eddie took the peanut butter and added it to his chocolate chip ice cream.

“Save some chocolate sauce and peanut butter for me! I am popping the popcorn!” Buck ran to the kitchen.

Eddie poured the popcorn into a large bowl and set up the Blu-Ray so that they could all watch Sound of Music. It was a relaxing night in the Buckley-Diaz house. No worries, no stress.

I deserve this love and peace. Eddie thought and smiled at his son and his husband who were eating popcorn and ice cream while singing along to the opening song in the movie.

Chapter 2: Travel Day

5:00 am-in Hen’s bright red Subaru

“Thanks for driving us, Hen. I really owe you one.” Eddie said from the back seat.

“You’re welcome, Eddie! You all deserve this vacation; you have been through a lot and Vienna is gorgeous.” Hen made a right turn to enter the departure gate of Los Angeles International Airport.

“Wait, you’ve been to Austria?” Buck turned to Hen.

“Oh, yes! With Chimney! We took a trip after our first year with the 911. It was beautiful. The people were so pleasant, and the food was spectacular. You all will love it!” Hen parked her car at the departure gate and put her hazard lights on. All four of them got out of the car.

“I love you all and have the best trip! You can text me anytime with updates and I would love to see pictures! I’ll hold down the 911 department while you all are gone.”

“Hen, thank you so much! We love you and we will send pictures!” Buck leaned in for a hug.

“And Eddie? I have a secret to tell you. Come here.”

Eddie looked anxious. “Hen, is everything okay?”

“Come on, it isn’t bad. At all.” Hen smiled at him.

Eddie walked over to her.

Hen leaned into his left side and spoke into his ear “You did amazing with planning this trip. The family will love it. If you have any panic attacks or anxious moments, you can always reach out to me.” She leaned away from his ear and faced him with a relaxed smile.

Eddie felt relaxed and the tension from his shoulders was released. “Hen, I appreciate that. I will let you know if I ever need to talk.” He then gave her a hug.

“And Christopher!”

“Yes, Aunt Hen?”

“Keep an eye out for these two crazy men! You are the leader, and I’ll miss you the most.” She winked at Christopher.

“Oh yes, I will! Love you!!” They both hugged.

“Have the best time everyone! Love you all!” Hen helped them get their bags out of her trunk and got into her car. She waved goodbye and drove off.

“Well, we got here in plenty of time, Buck.” Eddie said as he grabbed his bags.

“See, I told you!” Buck kissed Eddie on the lips. He tasted like vanilla and coconut.

“Now let’s check in and go through security.” Eddie said, smiling.

Chapter 3: En route

Security was fast, and the family found their gate and had some breakfast. Three hours have passed, and now Buck, Eddie, and Christopher were seated in their reclining seats in first class. They are finally boarded and ready to start their vacation.

“Time for the 5-hour flight.” Eddie said and put his headphones on his ear. “So happy I booked first-class tickets so we can sleep well.” He reclines his chair back and looks at Buck with a smile.

“Oh yes, and soon to Vienna.” Buck turned to Eddie and smiled.

“Chris, you good?” Eddie turned to his son who was sitting in the window seat.

“Oh yes! So excited!” Christopher put on his headphones.

Time to go to Boston!

Chapter 4: Time to Dance

Three days later: Harborside Hotel in Boston, Massachusetts

“FINALLY, time to relax after a long day of sightseeing!!” Buck jumped back on his bed.

“Buck, language!” Chris said.

“Oh shit, sorry!” Buck exclaimed.

“I love Boston. The New England Aquarium, the Freedom Trail, everything. I can’t believe I never visited here.” Eddie said with a smile.

“I loved it dad! Let’s go back!” Christopher put his phone down and sat up on his bed.

“We will definitely be back, pal!” Buck said.

“Oh, I agree. Now who’s ready for Vienna?” Eddie exclaimed.

“I am ready to waltz with you. Let’s practice.” Buck stood up and beckoned Eddie to stand up.

“Well, we do need practice.” Eddie agreed.

“I’ll lead. Put your arms on my waist. Chris, can you help teach us?”

“Of course! I can dance better than you two!” Christopher smiled and got out of his bed.

“I have two left feet, Buck.”

“Don’t worry, I got you.” Buck then whispered to Eddie. “After Christopher goes to bed, we will go to the bathroom, and I’ll let you suck my cock. How would you like that, big boy?”

“Buck, you are so hot. Yes, I want you and your cock.” Eddie whispered. “Let’s waltz.”

Chapter 5: Buck and Eddie try to waltz

Buck and Eddie walked to the front of their king beds. Christopher was sitting on the bed with his phone in his hand along with a portable speaker.

“I gotta turn on some waltzing music. Hold up, dads.” Christopher went on Spotify and found a Mozart playlist. “Okay, I found a song.” Violins and piano filled the air.

“Okay, I am going to demonstrate the dance for you.” Christopher set his phone and speaker on the nightstand and hopped off the bed. “Buck, put your hands on Eddie’s shoulder.” Buck did as Christopher instructed.

“Then, step like this. 1,2,3 to the left, and 1,2,3 to the right. I will show you.” Christopher demonstrated the steps. Buck and Eddie followed, but not as seamlessly.

“Eddie! My left, not your left!” Buck exclaimed.

“Buck, I don’t dance often!”

“Well, now you do! You need beginner classes with the four-year olds at this rate. So uncoordinated.”

“Well, you aren’t much better, twinkletoes.”

“Stop stepping on my toes, Eddie!”

“Stop complaining, Buck! Dios Mio.”

After many attempts (and cursing) they finally got the steps down.

“Okay, now we have to practice moving around the room like this.” Christopher demonstrated the rotation motion to his dads.

“Oh, this should be fun with Mr. Twinkletoes.” Eddie said jokingly with his hands on his waist and looked sideways at Buck.

“Shut up, Eddie.” Buck rolled his eyes and laughed.

But the rotating around the room was easier than they both thought. Miraculously, they both got the steps down and flowed to the tempo of the music. Christopher watched over his dads with a huge grin on his face. Buck and Eddie were in another dimension; a dimension with no fear or anxiety, just dancing and peace. They were truly entranced by the music and each other’s presence. With Buck, I can do anything. He is my rock. Eddie thought.

I love Eddie with all my heart. If I have Eddie and Christopher, I am never alone. Buck thought and smiled to himself.

Buck and Eddie danced to the music for about ten minutes. Time flew by, but there was no care in the world. Christipher even joined in the waltz. Three people was harder than two, but it didn’t matter. They were a family. A unit. They stood as one, enjoying the music and each other.

This is my family. I am not like my parents. I will be there for Eddie and Christopher always and forever. Buck thought. No fucking thing will come between us. Nothing.

#buddie #911 fox #eddie diaz #evan buckley #vacation #waltz

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circumlocutive · 2 months

Text

My Adderall is hitting and I just wanna shit this text post out before I start work.

I don't think there's a practical point to this kind of navel gazing at this stage in my life, and really it's more of a symptom of an issue in psychiatry with labeling phenotypic categories that don't have much correlation to biochemical mechanisms. But. I do still wonder about whether my avolition and related executive dysfunction/motivation crisis is " better " characterized as a CPTSD thing than an ADHD thing. And whether that should play a role in my expectations for functioning.

Like functionally I'm still going to treat my symptoms the same either way (it doesn't respond to CBT, DBT, or a few diff antidepressants, but does respond adequately [if inconsistently] to stimulants), so from a pragmatic angle fussing over which label is better is not useful to me. It's mostly identity wanking - unless the labels can implicate something actionable, all they really seem to do is saddle you with their sociocultural baggage.

I'd say I have evidence suggesting a genetic predisposition to ADHD traits (which I generally conceptualize based on handling in the broader psych literature as an innate/biological/"nature" [as in nature vs nurture] based thing, like the impairments are there whether or not the environment is good or bad though of course environment influences the final result). My dad is very ADHD and was long before he was a combat veteran if you listen to stories from his family, my dad was adopted bc he had a teen mom so highly likely she had something up too, and my brother is so textbook autism (and autism and ADHD genes run around skipping hand in hand) (stimulant side note these are not definitive scientific correlations I'm making here, autism looking presentation could be related to my brother being abused too and having far less social support, could be related to my mother's psychotic lineage [autism and schizo/bipolar/psychotic spec genes also run around skipping hand in hand], could be a lot of shit).

On the other hand, it is so obvious I have CPTSD (which I conceptualize as a nurture based, acquired dysfunction that does also alter your "nature" in the sense it affects your genetic expression. But while trauma will change your innate biochemical settings, I see the biggest distinction from ADHD in that cptsd wouldn't manifest without external initiation). In the narrative of my life, my current difficulty with motivation makes more sense as. Well. Something to do with living in constant fear for my life in my developmental period. How can I find anything as compelling or salient as preserving my life against a direct, explicit, and omnipresent threat. How am I supposed to give a fuck about tasks if no one is breaking plates over my head about them or depriving me of food and shelter. My whole risk reward system calibration is fuuuucked.

Realistically, I have issues with emotional regulation/motivation/self care because of the combination. I probably do have congenital neurological differences inherited from my parents, and then the extreme circumstances of my youth made for maladaptive neurological conditioning (think in the firing/electrical circuitry) + hormonal release + epigenetic changes + downstream effects that further stunted my prefrontal cortex and amygdala and striatum and whatever structures associated with emotion and reward. Some of the conditioning may be reversible with therapy/safe life experiences but the baseline performance won't be adjusted without biochemical intervention. Maybe that should play a role in setting my expectations for my performance and "improvement" over time.

Idk I have more feelings about labels and the ways they change our perception of the bio phenomena underlying "mental illness" and the self, but I need to do work instead of wasting hours getting the words out and refining them

#blog #adhd #cptsd #navel gazing #psychiatry

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bitchesgetriches · 11 months

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Is it worth it to have health insurance, even if you can't use it? I (sort of) recently moved across the country, and have found out I will not be eligible for health insurance (I was supposed to get the email with my signup and login information. I was not sent that email. And the window closed. So no insurance for me.) I got Cobra to cover the gap, anticipated gap fo a couple of months. It cost me, for 3 months, over $2000. That company technically operates in my new home, but almost no one ever takes it. So I am doing things like paying over $700 a month for insurance no one takes plus $500 in mental health care. Which was something I thought I could manage for several months. Now that I've found out I'm stuck on COBRA or nothing for another 7 months, before open enrollment, I can't decide if it's worth it. To pay $5000 for insurance I can't use, plus money for my actual care. What even are the penalties for not having insurance? (I make too much money to be eligible for any kind credit or the like for insurance (A suggestion I've already got.) I can very very technically pay the cost and still do things like not lose my apartment and feed myself. But especially with student loan payments starting back up, I won't be able to do things like actually afford medical care, or replace the savings I spent on moving costs, or see any of the family I moved a thousand miles away from or probably even send them christmas presents.) Can I just go without for 7 months? On top of a move/job/situation that has really being emotionally brutal (why I thought I would tough out out of pocket therapy for a month and a half, before student loan payments started) this is just another thing that's stressing me out. Please just tell me my dad is wrong, I can drop it, and I'll probably be fine.

My darling child, I'm so sorry you're dealing with this stress and anxiety. You must feel awful!

And our official answer is that it depends. But I suspect you can drop COBRA for the next few months and be ok. We wrote about this at length in our article about COBRA:

Your Super Simple Guide to COBRA Health Insurance

How to Pay Hospital Bills When You’re Flat Broke

If you liked this article, join our Patreon!

#insurance #COBRA #health insurance #I can't hear about COBRA now without thinking about CoBro so thanks for that Only Murders In the Building #medical bills #medical insurance

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panther-os · 2 years

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Thank you so much for your lovely reply. I did a squee reading it would love to hear your plans and thoughts for the Uncomfortable-verse. Especially what changes this butterfly would make or what happens on the Agen-Tan-Padme guardian road-trip!

aaaaaaaah i'm vibrating i'm so glad you sent this ask! okay this is probably gonna be less coherent than my ao3 replies bc i have had. So Much Caffeine alsdjkflskdfjsd

under the cut because it got Long

(with a few minor clarifying edits now that I'm awake)

okay so like first of all the most important changes for me are what happens with anakin and shmi? i'm kind of thinking of sandwiching imi-verse in here where anakin's half-tusken and has a twin sister who was raised by their dad. also his sister and dad rescued his mom from the tusken marauders who grabbed her from the lars homestead and his dad was among the tuskens he killed after getting his mom down from the frame that was keeping her from dying.

so like shmi gets rescued and also gets away from cliegg (buying someone to free and marry them? hmmmm sounds sus to me) and reunited with her long lost daughter.

at the temple, anakin's conduct is reviewed and palpatine's all "clearly they hate you" but then the jedi find out anakin's been ducking his therapy appointments for years and hacking the system and mind-suggesting his therapist to keep obi-wan and the council from finding out. BIG HEKKIN RED FLAG. they keep Anakin at the temple for mandatory emergency therapy and send Obi-Wan and Aayla to Kamino while Quinlan keeps an eye on Anakin.

swapping padawans is just something that happens with jedi? like it's easier when obi-wan has someone to fuss over and knows someone he absolutely trusts is watching anakin. also just like??? accountability type things. you're not spending all your time with one master who might be Up To Bad Shit (qui gon) but you still have routine.

ANYWAYS obi gets a bad feeling in orbit above kamino and talks to aayla like "hey maybe you can do some of that spy stuff your master does" and then he goes in like he do like "oh that order of millions of identical human men". aayla runs into a very helpful clone trooper the same developmental age as her who doesn't know she's a jedi knight just that she works for them and has the fake identity credentials to back it up. it's bly, she runs into bly, who takes her on a paralell tour to the one the kaminoans are taking obi-wan on and she does her spy shit and scans the clone fetuses and finds!!! the chips! dun dun dun! but she can't find a lot except for that they exist and they're in a Not Good part of the brain.

obi-wan meets jango and shit goes down like normal except after he puts a tracking device on slave i aayla and bly come running out onto the platform like "uhhhh we have a Hekkin Problem" while obi's all like "no shit we do". obi goes to geonosis while aayla stays to figure out the chips and get things ready for yoda.

meanwhile! you asked about tan and agen and padme! they're doing just fine. there is no creepy looks or sly conversation about compassion and love or bad flirting about sand. padme and tan get along really super well and padme passes the time teaching him about makeup and hair and nubian fashion. sometimes she has jedi culture/philosophy questions and agen answers those a) not in a crowded food court when they're supposed to be undercover and b) like a teacher not like someone trying to impress and seduce her. when they get to naboo, agen isn't controlling about her security either. he defers to her and the systems she and the queen already have set up just like he did when establishing their undercover stories. he's there to help, not to take over.

they go to the lake country, they go on a picnic, agen teaches tan how to assess and repair shield generators and stuff, padme becomes agen's little sister and tan's big sister for pretty much real. they don't go to tatooine or to geonosis. a squad of clones DOES come to naboo to help agen and tan and they eventually name themselves Padma Squad after the same flower padme is named after.

obi wan sends his message to aayla to relay his distress call to the council since she's still his mission partner. bc padme would absolutely want to still be on geonosis if she knew it was happening even if anakin wasn't there and they weren't on tatooine. aayla sends the call to coruscant and yoda tells her he'll meet her on kamino to pick up the order of millions of identical human men just in case and would she please get them ready to go?

quinlan gets anakin's butt in gear to go save obi-wan and it's four jedi against dooku instead of one. anakin still kills dooku, but right then and after he's surrendered. this is important. all the other three jedi go "hey dude WHAT THE FUCK" and Anakin doesn't take that well and attacks them. this is the fight in which anakin loses his arm. it's quin who does it because anakin was about to use that arm to kill or seriously injure obi-wan. anakin is taken into custody, given medical care, and imprisoned in the temple's special cells.

palpatine bullies his way in to see him and he's all "i told you they would turn against you, they've always been jealous of and feared your power, i can free you and help you get revenge" and anakin is a sucker so he agrees. the grand inquisitor is still a temple guard and breaks anakin out and anakin goes on a jedi killing spree. palpatine keeps order 66 in his back pocket because he still wants to whittle down the order by the war and he still needs the everything else in place to take over the galaxy. this is important.

anakin is killed in the creche and the entire area has to be cleansed before the babies will stop crying. obi-wan leaves the order in his grief. padme offers him a quiet place to retire on naboo since he saved them from a sith ten years ago. she grieves the little boy she met on tatooine and what he could've become. she's the one who tracks down shmi to let her know. shmi grieves her son and clings to her daughter and partner.

the jedi and the clones go to war.

sidious gets a new apprentice, who i couldn't say yet. maybe he pulls komari vosa out of the ether? the 212th and 501st go under different jedi idk which ones yet. could be agen and quin, but also they're in the positions they are in canon (council investigator and undercover shadow, respectively) for good reasons, so most likely not. the 212th and 501st still get well known because cody and rex are exceptionally good at what they do. ahsoka is taken as quin's second padawan - aayla's little padawan-sister - and they most likely stay shadows but liaise often enough with the 501st that she still becomes their vod'ika. the clones grow as individuals and as a culture. when grievous is captured on naboo, he stays captured until palpatine finagles a daring escape with lots of collateral damage.

echo is blown up and captured at the citadel. umbara happens because the 501st is at the center of the action and krell is good at mindtricks and desperate to impress the sith. ahsoka and barriss aren't targeted for saboteur and framee because ahsoka isn't supporting the apprentice sidious wants. fives finds out about the chips. fives' general believes him about the chancellor and stops fox' blaster bolt in the air long enough for rex to stun fives (he's acting hella dangerous to himself and others) so they can smuggle him to kix.

palpatine finds out and triggers order 66 early.

there are more jedi. they were prepared after aayla and bly's discovery. didn't want to do risky brain surgery to get the chips out, couldn't find out what they were for, but knew it couldn't be anything good and they had to be prepared for the worst. almost all of them escape. clones aren't able to get inside the temple and clones already inside are quickly and non-lethally subdued. ahsoka is with rex and gets the chip out of his head in the middle of all the chaos. through usual fix-it shenanigans, something happens to rescind order 66 and something else happens to kill palpatine.

giddean danu becomes chancellor because i've always liked his design and i want a named, canon option that isn't bail, mon, or padme and feels like an actual good candidate vibes-wise. yarua also works, can you imagine being a separatist leader trying to fuck with a wookiee in negotiations? actually yeah that's funnier, danu can be vice-chancellor. mon runs but doesn't win, bail likes being a senator and doesn't want to be a chancellor, padme retires because canonically nubian senators are expected to have their people as their only family and - also canonically - she really wants a spouse and kids. also she fell for one of the coruscant guard (commander? hound? oc? who knows? but probably thorn, stone, or both (hmmmm jarjar/julia/stone and thorn/padme double dates there's a thought)) and doesn't want to ask them out as anything other than a fellow citizen.

echo is rescued by the bad batch and he and fives join them for a few last missions and then post-war shenanigans. after the war is officially over and the gar is officially disbanded and the clones are all officially citizens with military pensions and backpay, cody and rex join them. at some point, they run into boba who went back to kamino for some of jango's things and found an unaltered little sister and stole her. hunter immediately adopts them both.

and that is a lot more than i thought had for this au! ^_^ thank you for asking!!!! some of it was surprising to me, actually, esp the part about anakin still falling, but it feels True and Right and i'm definitely planning to keep it.

thank you again!! and thank you for the nice reviews you keep leaving me they're always a high point in my day ^_^

#/incoherent noises/#asked and answered #nice people and wrellow fiters #star wars #star wars the clone wars #uncomfortable au #anakin skywalker critical #star wars au #clone troopers #the bad batch #my writing #long post

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party-gilmore · 2 years

Text

Aaannnd with the influx of Twitter users also comes the beginning of Twitter bullshit.

Just got a suggested post in my dash of Obvious Plant Attempts To Garner Sympathy Via "Everyone Dogpiled On Me Because I Spoke Openly About Wishing I Hadnt Started HRT So Young, Here's Some Obvious TERF Dogwhstles About The Irreversible Effects Of HRT I Wish I'd Known And Why We Need To Advocate For Stricter Regulations On Allowing Youths Hormone Therapy."

NOW. Some people do genuinely detransition. Or retransition to something else. And they deserve our support no matter the reasons. It's all about Finding The Truest Them. So how do you recognize and the Obvious Plant while not accidentally turning your back on someone looking for real support? I'm not the best at explaining to others feel FREE to chime in here especially if you've more experience and/or eloquence please, but here are some things to help you weed out the garden:

ANY post with an end goal of "-NOT what i expected at all! And this is why we should have stronger restrictions on providing HRT/Surgical treatments." I GUARANTEE you, any person seeking gender affirming health care has been told REPEATEDLY what the possible side effects are. Over and over and over. It is HARD to get treatment. It's not some crazy hypothetical"they gave this to me so easily before i could make an informed choice and i regret it so much T.T" fentanyl in the Halloween candy kind of situation. On top of that, the MOST a minor is gonna get is puberty blockers. The post in question was a "21 yr old man on T for 5 years and now he looks like a 40 yr old dad 😥" Point me to a 16 yr old that got access to complete HRT and i will BEG you for their health care providers contact info i can't even get an appointment at PP to start TALKING about starting T at thirty.

ANY post who's main regret is "-and I'm ugly now." Re: the example above, the Plant Post was bemoaning their lack of youth and attractiveness and how their life was "ruined" now because of the "irreversible effects." 1) The effects of second puberty are about as irreversible and first puberty. Which is to say. The whole reason HRT works... is because... most of it *is* changeable. Your doctor will spell out which is which for you. The one this post was complaining about??? Balding. Male pattern balding. That's it. Beautifully clear skin, lovely face, but because of male pattern balding now their "ruined." They are actively playing on stereotypes of what is and isn't attractive to cishet women. That is terfy as fuck. No one actually detransitioning is doing it because they werent "as attractive as a _____ they thought they'd be." It's because something just intrinsically does not (or it did once but no longer) feel right in who they are. The idea anyone would go through that for something as shallow as being/not being "hot..." Wtf. 2) do you KNNNOOWWW??? how many of my 20's and early 30's transman friends and kinda me ??? Would KILLLLLLL TO LOOK LIKE A 40 YEAR OLD DAD????

ANY MENTION AT ALL OF "HOW TERRIBLE" IT IS THAT "QUEER SOCIETY" FORCING PEOPLE, ESPECIALLY KIDS, TO TRANSITION. NO ONE IS PUSHING TRANSITION ON KIDS. IT IS THE OPPOSITE PROBLEM. PEOPLE ARE TRYING TO STOP EVEN SOCIAL TRANSITION. PEOPLE ARE TRYING TO FORCE KIDS TO DE-TRANSITION. THIS IS YOUR BIGGEST CLUE.

Of course we want to support other queer folk who, for whatever reason in their gender gender journey, destransition. Even if it's the right decision, it's a hard one, and will always be a struggle. And they'll need support. (And they are still queer! They lived and explored as a gender other than the one assigned to them at birth! They have been both now! Welcome to Cis Plus! Cis With Benefits! Their Journeys In Gender will always be queer ones and no one can take that away from them!!!)

Unfortunately, this is going to CONSTANTLY be co-opted by TERFs and other trans exclusionists trying to twist it into some kind of GOTCHA! to further restrict access to gender affirming care. And you NEED to keep eyes open for it, particularly now during the Twitter exodus.

#queer #terf dogwhistles #anti terf #detransitioning

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rphelperblog · 2 years

Text

Richelle Mead Quote Rp Meme :1

writer of book series such as Bloodlines, Vampire Academy, the glittering court and more- feel free to edit quotes or change pronouns for rp purposes

“Don't worry. You might be surrounded by clouds, but you'll always be like sunshine to me.”

"I loved you, and you destroyed me. You took my heart and ripped it up.”

“You're beautiful in battle like an avenging angel come to deliver the justice of heaven."

“Most fathers don't threaten to disembowel their daughter's boyfriends."

"That's not true. And anyway, that's not what I actually said. It was much worse.”

"An idiot makes me look like an upstanding member of society.”

"You're strong—you're so, so strong. It's why I love you.”

“If your eyes weren't open, you wouldn't know the difference between dreaming and waking.”

"I hate when you're the sane one. That's my job."

“He has no right to threaten my boyfriends. I'm eighteen. An adult. I don't need his help. I can threaten my boyfriends myself.”

“Sometimes you wake up from a dream. Sometimes you wake up in a dream. And sometimes, every once in a while, you wake up in someone else's dream. ”

"You're imagining things.Clearly, my stunning beauty has clouded your mind.”

"Because sometimes, a person can get so caught up in the details that they miss the whole. It's not just the dress or the hair. It's YOU. You're beautiful. So beautiful, it hurts me.”

“I always love seeing what worries you. Monster? No. Questionable food? Yes.”

"You forgot my first lesson: Don’t hesitate.”

“Only a true best friend can protect you from your immortal enemies.”

“I’d said it before and meant it: Alive or undead, the love of my life was a badass.”

“Takes a lot of tries before you hit perfection. Well, except for my parents. They got it on the first try."

You are so beautiful, it hurts sometimes.”

“The only thing better than imagining him carrying me in his arms was imagining him shirtless while carrying me in his arms.”

“You will lose what you value most, so treasure it while you can.”

“I know how devastated you must be to miss me, but leave a message, and I'll try to ease your agony”

"If you weren't so psychotic, you'd be fun to hang around."

What the hell kind of therapy are you in?”

“Stop fighting me!"

Is this daring escape being sponsored by Honda?”

"Huh. Well, I guess this is a good time to think about me naked, then."

“There's nothing worse than waiting and not knowing what'll happen to you. Your own imagination can be crueler than any captor.”

Of course I do. Why are you asking me such stupid things? Did you lose my records?"

"Because you hit me on the head and dragged me here.”

“I set off, off to kill the man I love.”

"She might be wild and disrespectful, but if she has potential—"

"Wild and disrespecful? Who the hell are you anyway? Oursourced help?"

"Not really. I've made inappropriate suggestions and frequently pushed for nudity. But I've never asked you out on a real date.”

You forgot another lesson: Never turn your back until you know your enemy is dead. Looks like we’ll have to go over the lesson again the next time.”

“I've given up on you...Love fades. Mine has.”

“The greatest and most powerful revolutions often start very quietly, hidden in the shadows. Remember that.” I see you—which will be soon.”

“Ah, my daughter, eighteen, and already youʹve been accused of murder, aided felons, and acquired a death count higher than most guardians will ever see.I couldnʹt be prouder.”

“And than suddenly he was there, charging down the hallway like death in a cowboy duster.”

“You can't force love, I realized. It's there or it isn't. If it's not there, you've got to be able to admit it. If it is there, you've got to do whatever it takes to protect the ones you love.”

"You beat up your dad. I mean, that's really horrible...what happened. But, wow. You really are a god."

"If you turned off this crap music and put on something that came out after the Berlin Wall went down."

“Dreams, dreams. I walk them; I live them. I delude myself with them. It's a wonder I can spot reality anymore.”

“Checkmate, bitch.”

"Yes he is. But for the next 6 weeks he's MY pain in the ass.”

“What was love, really? Flowers, chocolate, and poetry? Or was it something else? Was it being able to finish someone's jokes? Was it having absolute faith that someone was there at your back? Was it knowing someone so well that they instantly understood why you did the things you did—and shared those same beliefs?”

“I tried to be a better person for her– but it was to impress her, to get her to want me. But when I’m around you, I want to be better because… well, because it feels right. Because I want to. You make me want to become something greater than myself. I want to excel. You inspire me in every act, every word, every glance. I look at you, and you’re like… like light made into flesh. […] You have no clue how beautiful you are or how brightly you shine.”

"Well, no. Of course not. I meant the idea of getting rough with you is hot. I'm a big fan of full-contact sports."

"You're just getting your stride back. Once you're up to full power, I'll go crack a rib or something so we can test it."

"Don't you ever touch me again. You screw with me, I'll screw you right back."

“Danger, insane plans... you know, the stuff that runs in our family.”

“No one had ever called me unnatural before, except for the time I put ketchup on a taco. But seriously, we'd been out of salsa, so what else was I supposed to do?”

“Bound by Love, But sworn to Kill...”

“If I let myself love you, I won't throw myself in front of her. I'll throw myself in front of you.”

"The horrible part is that I don't think you're joking.”

"I can think of many words to describe you, sexy and hot being at the top of the list. You know what's not on the list? Sane.”

“Well, that depends, I suppose. I heard someone once say that men dance the same way they have sex. So, if you want everyone here to think you're the kind of guy who just sits around and—"

“Yeah? What'd you name all those cats?Death, Famine, Pestilence, War, and Mr. Whiskers.You named your cats after the riders of the apocal--wait. Mr. Whiskers? Well, there are only four horsemen.”

"I know it's hard to believe—kind of surprises me myself—but I guess it has to happen. It's probably some kind of karmic way to balance out the universe. Otherwise, it wouldn't be fair to have one person so full of awesomeness.”

“A gun. I had been brought down by a gun. It was practically comical. Cheaters, I thought.”

“If I could dream, I know I'd dream about you.I'd dream about the way you smell and how your dark hair feels like silk between my fingers. I'd dream about the smoothness of your skin and the fierceness of your lips when we kiss. Without dreams,I have to be content with my own imagination—which is almost as good. I can picture all those things perfectly.”

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angelbluediary · 1 year

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(I'll always find something to complain about)

For months, I was going out of my mind with worry about this summer: securing an income, where I'd be staying once my lease is up. I was applying for all kinds of jobs I otherwise would never, ever want. And it has been the biggest hit to my ego to have what I thought were great interviews, and then not be offered the minimum wage, part time job, with a Master's degree. I cling to my degree because it feels like the only thing I have to show for my entire life. All that work, for what? I was always told it mattered. I was told it guaranteed me jobs, that a Bachelor's alone would change everything. That was a lie. Months of bargaining and begging and praying and now I don't care anymore. I'm moving back in with my parents. I'm sharing a room with my sibling. I'll never have so much as an hour to myself again for the next foreseeable months. I toggle between extreme gratitude and despair every day. At least this gives me time to get back on my feet, but there's still endless payments I have to make during this cycle, there's no real "rest."

I couldn't land a job in this city where everything is 20 minutes away. But there's nothing where my parents are. So whatever job I get in the near future, I predict being in the car for at least 2 hours every day, working for some company I don't give a shit about. I'll have to get up at 4 am every day. So in some aspects, this change in living situation will ease normal stressors I've been dealing with for over the past year, but it'll make other things so much harder. And going from being completely, totally alone all the time, to not having a shred of privacy since my siblings spend their entire lives in their rooms. And I'm nervous. I'm nervous about being a trigger to everyone in such close quarters. I've always been the only one itching to get out and live my own life, the only one who ever rebelled against our parents as a teen and challenged their views. My siblings seem so comfortable living their adult years folded into that nest, not applying for jobs (well, M is getting some money from the school now through a program, but his interest in income seems to have only stemmed from wanting to spoil his boyfriend with gifts?). I'm nervous about ruffling feathers unintentionally. I'm nervous about being the black sheep and the scapegoat and the one who is making everyone else uncomfortable because my opinions and desires are so different. And I want to be authentic but I don't want to be any kind of burden or trouble to anyone more than I already will be.

I can't help but feel like a failure. I know I need this reset time before I spring back out into the world again on my own terms, but I can't shake this deep sadness and anger at how everything turned out for me in comparison to the lives others who hurt me are shaping out. I have always tried to be kind and graceful in situations where I deserved to rip heads off. To release and forgive. But now I think all that forgiveness was false, because I'm still aching here while everyone else has moved on to bigger and better futures, possibly without ever having learned their lessons or working on themselves to become better people after inflicting so much fucking trauma on me. When I think back on the things I was going through regularly, things I normalized, I'm astounded. And so sad for past me. I need therapy, and don't know when that will ever be accessible again. My dad suggested I fictionalize my story and write about these things with some narrative distance, but I can't even bring myself to approach it from that lens. Truthfully I don't want to do anything but complain and feel sorry for myself nowadays. All my fight is gone. I don't see the point to anything because nothing motivates me or feels right for me or offers me any sort of glimpse of the future. I know I'm not trapped but it feels that way. I just want to be a human being without the working and struggling and fighting to survive every single day, and just take the time to heal myself with no other obligations. To be hugged and held and reassured until I feel a little less broken. I feel like I've lost so much of my own mind after all of this. So much stress in my body I hurt all over like I'm not in my twenties.

I have to trust that this is exactly what I need, and that every little change is for my self-betterment. Being forced to get up earlier, and remembering how to share space with other people, and working hard so I can rebuild my finances and independence. Having this time to carefully weigh all my options before making a move (literally).

It's funny that I spent so long fighting hard to fill my apartment with furniture and items to give me some form of external validation, and now I have to put just about every single thing I own in storage.

With a change in environment and routine, maybe the things I'm so worked up about right now will naturally dissolve and I'll find my passion again. Maybe I'll still be able to fall in love before my thirties. Maybe unspeakable beauty will emerge from this seemingly dull new cycle. We'll see.

#off my chest #at the end of this unbearable cycle

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onbearfeet · 2 years

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I am making Blackmail Pie.

So in 2016, after, y'know, the thing happened, my mom (who is a sweet, lovely person struggling with decades of untreated depression and bullying from pretty much every man in her life) told me "the family had decided" (my dad had decided) that I wasn't welcome at Thanksgiving that year because my refusal to join Team Red Hat like everyone else with my legal surname was an insult to Jesus or whatever.

Yeah, my family is like that.

So that year, I joined @greatatuintheworldturtle at a different family's shindig. I was warned in advance not to talk about religion, politics, or any of a dozen other old family fights in which I would not remember which side I was supposed to take, so instead of all that I suggested a blanket answer: "What side am I on? Pie. I'm on the side of pie." My answer to every fraught question would be pie. What did I think of someone's new partner? Pie. Geopolitics? Pie. Does that outfit make you look fat? Pie.

Turtle informed me that this would only work if I BROUGHT a pie, so I did some research and practice and showed up on the day with a beautiful homemade apple pie, made entirely from scratch. It was delicious in the way that only all-from-scratch pie can be, the kind of pie that reminds you what mass-produced pies are pretending to. It was also pretty, so I took pictures.

The following year, Mom decided Thanksgiving without her favorite child (she says she doesn't have favorites but I'm the only one she voluntarily spends time with) was bullshit, so I was un-disinvited. And, having heard about the pie she'd missed and seen my pictures, she asked me to bake one for her. So I did. And I did my best to keep the peace for her sake as various male relatives did things like going on pro-Nazi rants at the dinner table, partly to "own the lib" and partly because they're just awful human beings.

Over the next couple of years, Mom went to therapy and started actually standing up to Dad about a few things, and now it seems to be coming to a head somehow. Once again, in 2022, I am invited to Thanksgiving and my pie services are requested, but this time, there's an addendum. Quoth my mother:

"If anyone acts up at the table this year, THEY ARE NOT GETTING ANY PIE."

I'm not sure which outcome appeals to me more: every man in my family having to hold his tongue for an entire dinner, or getting to split an entire pie with my mom.

I hope she leaves room for a lot of dessert.

#thanksgiving #family drama #blackmail pie #family dysfunction #apple pie #i am on the side of pie

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watching-pictures-move · 2 years

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Movie Review | The Couch Trip (Ritchie, 1988)

This review contains mild spoilers.

I like Dan Aykroyd. By definition, you can’t hate someone who is simultaneously a Blues Brother, a Ghostbuster, and a Doctor (Detroit). But with the exception of The Blues Brothers, literally the one time he has ever been close to cool, he’s hopelessly lame, and those other movies understand that. Aykroyd has a tendency to make a certain face, a smile with his eyebrows raised but without any wryness, that’s usually a signal that you’re in trouble, that the movie will present his lameness but not grasp the implications of said lameness. He makes that face on the poster of The Couch Trip, and it’s no surprise that he’s the movie’s biggest weakness. The plot is about an escaped mental patient who’s mistakenly hired to fill in for a psychiatrist’s radio show when the host decides to go on a much needed sabbatical and insists the hire the head of the institution where Aykroyd is being held. This scenario presents a double switcharoo, in that Aykroyd is believed to be the stern but ineffectual head of the institution played by David Clennan, and also becomes better received than the show’s original host Charles Grodin. Aykroyd does plenty of unconventional things like swear on air, hold a free therapy day for his listeners, takes a bunch of them to a baseball game, and generally takes the air out of the stuffed shirts around him with his wisecracking and unusual methods. (I should note that like Grodin’s later switcharoo comedy Taking Care of Business, this too makes reference to the the Chicago Cubs winning the World Series. But that is a more central element to the latter movie’s narrative, and what is suggested as an impossibility here becomes reality in the latter movie.)

If you replace psychiatry with the army, this might seem a little bit like Bill Murray in Stripes, and Aykroyd seems to be hitting a lot of the same notes, even with his vocal delivery. The difference is that Murray is cool and Aykroyd very much is not, and that Murray is able to imbue the material with a genuine irreverence while Aykroyd seems to be going through the motions. This is directed by Michael Ritchie, who is unable to use Aykroyd as astutely as he used Chevy Chase in Fletch, where the star’s laconic presence mixes interestingly with the energy of the noirish plot. (Chase makes a brief appearance here in a commercial as a dad proud of his son’s choice of condoms. I laughed.) The movie also gives Aykroyd a potential love interest in Donna Dixon, who must be channeling feelings from their real life marriage as she regales him with longing gazes, because there’s little onscreen to explain the attraction. Yet at the same time, this material can inspire a Pavlovian response in the viewer. You get Aykroyd on the air, dropping words like “balls”, “son of a bitch”, “asshole” and “fuck” (all of which send his producers into a panic over possible FCC fines), and I can’t help but hoot and holler at least a little bit on the inside. Take that, psychiatric profession! It goes without saying that the movie’s view of mental illness is not terribly nuanced, and it tries to insert some sentiment with the inclusion of a street preacher type played by Walter Matthau. I don’t think the attempt is successful, but Matthau is still funny in the role.

I watched this movie to chase Last Resort, the dirt cheap Roger-Corman-produced vacation comedy starring Charles Grodin, and my primary motivation in watching this was more Grodin. That other movie is not well made by traditional standards, but it understands that the more Grodin you have, the better your movie is. The whole thing is an extremely contrived, poorly-thought-out series of scenes designed to grind Grodin’s gears, and becomes an almost free-associative string of the kind of facial expressions and line readings that only Grodin could deliver. If one could step into the dreams of the real Charles Grodin, Inception-style, I’d wager it would look like this. This is a lesson that The Couch Trip does not grasp at first but tries to atone for in the third act. The fact is, aside from the initial setup, Grodin disappears for much of the movie, but when he returns, he overcompensates, going on a rampage as he seeks revenge on Aykroyd for upstaging him and taking his money and his lawyer and friend Richard Romanus for sleeping with his wife Mary Gross. In Grodin’s absence, the movie is relatively middling, but it’s worth checking out just to see him approach the maniacal and unhinged heights of his work in Clifford.

#film #movie review #the couch trip #michael ritchie

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jasperjv · 5 months

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Over the years, Connor has built up a small army of allies, mostly online, to help him and support him. We were in group voice calls with him frequently, and I was among them. Nowadays we have raged and mourned among ourselves over who we thought and hoped he was, unanimously agreeing that he desperately needs therapy from a specialist. I’ve had two separate therapists of mine posit that his behavior strongly suggests a severe degree of Cluster B personality disorder. These disorders, they also informed, require extensive treatment, a specialized therapist, and possibly even a small team to be available to reach at any time of day. These sufferers can be extremely volatile, prone to self-destructive behaviors and suicide attempts.

All this would naturally be very alarming. However online users have been his primary social support (no matter how many times we told him not to do this), and he has some uncritical misgiving that if he spreads out his venting over a group, no one will feel directly spoken to and therefore should and must not get personally attached to him, even when spoken with directly and reciprocated live, and even in groups he is not the administrator of. He has not seen that this would instead multiply the problem. He has a hard time imagining anyone else's perspective.

So for someone who purports a desire for distance, he has shared far too much about himself and his personal life. And for someone who calls himself a storyteller, he really should know how powerful stories can be, and are. My remembering all of these things is simply part of human nature to be engrossed in tales and stories. To us as a group, he certainly was an underdog protagonist, and for all of the things I detail below, eventually we all became fervently protective of him, but he just went on assuming that this tendency was normal. He just went on taking it for granted. He went on thinking that this is just what “parasocial” fans are like.

Connor had been telling everyone with ears to hear that his brother was prepared to murder him in a nasty fight. Of course, he has always conveniently excluded anything that may have provoked this aggression. But he would always tell this story with a palpable amount of hurt in his voice, so we all felt it was far from us to question anything about it, instead validating his feelings. We were all in our 20s, so of course that was all that had occurred to us to do. This is assuming he was even mindful enough to comprehend or remember what provoked the attack anyway.

Connor was live in one of his/our many group calls reporting his experience moving back in to his family home again in 2020. According to Connor's report at that time, there was an incident where his brother was in the way of the television. Connor said he yelled at him, and that then his thought was, “Oh this is still just like when we were kids. Here we go again.” This, of course, doesn't factor in that Connor was the one who started yelling. This is the type of fundamentally unempathetic, disrespectful, personally persecuted framing he chronically engages in.

A few days later, he was in call again sounding utterly crestfallen. He said his brother's therapist had gently asked him to leave. He told us that to see him off, his dad hugged him and told him he loved him. Regretfully, at the time, my reaction was to get angry and to tell him to cut them all off for showing favoritism toward his brother, though I very quickly backed down from it and I believe I did apologize. I don’t know for sure how much he has held on to this interpretation of events despite (as it would feed his complex quite well), but I’ve been told now that he has been telling everyone that his mother keeps him on the family's health insurance only for some kind of tax break. To me that seems to show the general attitude he prefers to hold about his own family: he can't even believe his own mother loves him without some kind of catch. And now I can't help but feel I may be partially to blame for this.

In the 2 years Connor and I communicated, I had fought with everything in me to earn the most basic modicum of respect from him and to maintain it consistently. But reflecting upon this now, I see he is incapable of affording any respect whatsoever to even his own brother.

One day in 2021 or so, he drank too much. It seemed to everyone at first that the next morning was just a hangover, confirmed between both text and voice chat. One of us gave him money to order a pizza. But within a few hours, he said he started vomiting blood and ended up hospitalized.

But despite everything, and much more, Connor demonstrates an egregious lack of mindfulness about the ways people have helped him while taking nothing from him. This results that, in practice, he holds impossible standards for what he considers a “good person.” There is little to nothing one can do to curry just enough favor with him in order to be treated with consistent decency. It has left us all feeling used up and burnt out, when being treated with dignity and the appropriate level of gratitude and personhood is genuinely the only thing we wanted in return. For well-adjusted people, that would go without saying. But I know that just affording us simply that would've felt to him like being used, as he would feel it putting himself in an unacceptable vulnerable position, whether he is consistently consciously aware of that or not. How to get on his good side is to win a lottery of many incidental factors, and the few who have won it I've come to know as not actually particularly outstandingly “good” as long as people are given a reasonable amount of good faith.

Now, Connor and I, at one point, were exchanging hundreds of messages, for hours a day. He only wanted to talk in public chats. Anything more direct (with nobody else to mediate the conversations, I suppose) would apparently frighten him terribly. But it was obvious to everyone except him that we were particularly fixated on each other anyway. Everyone else had assumed we were fast friends and without him present, they tended to talk about us as such. I had found him fascinating, having a personality so seemingly opposite to my own and yet has reached the same conclusions in politics and social issues.

I was first drawn to investigate him during a difficult time when I was frustrated and angry, and he seemed to mirror that in 2018. He seemed to me to be someone who would never be used as a doormat, like I felt I was. I am a soft and sweet person, fundamentally compassionate and nurturing, but I was never raised to acknowledge that or taught what to do with it. I felt he had some kind of answer that resonated, validating the fury I was feeling. I thought there was something to learn from him. I felt constantly pitied, disrespected, thinking if I could just get angry, like him, all of that might end. He reinforced my insecurities, so it made sense to me: he functioned essentially to show me my supposed problems and offer the cure.

If he weren't abusive, he would not have obliged that vulnerability. He would not have talked down to me and bragged every time he seemed right about something. (As an example of talking down, at one point he told me I was too weak to move to Pennsylvania, because everyone there would be too mean for me, when we were just bantering about the low cost of living there). It was his responsibility as an adult, and as someone who supposedly wanted distance, to simply not take an opening just to make someone who was feeling down on himself into an even more beaten-down misanthrope molded in his own image. I wish that went without saying. I was only 2-3 years younger than him and we were both adults, but it was not immoral for me to have a time of weakness and vulnerability and to not have been taught my own worth by the people who should have taught me, and to not be aware of this all. But it is immoral and inappropriate to exploit that, even in the case that I was also an adult.

But in defense of my past self, personal details spilled from him uncontrollably. It was the most heartbreaking, loudest cry for help I had ever heard. I was absorbed in his narratives where he was the misunderstood underdog with a lot of trauma, like me. And I just wanted to do my best to help, as I have always been someone who takes the reins when I don't see anyone else doing it. But that was another thing he exploited. I cared deeply, and I took any implication or accusation from him that I didn't, not as an insult, but understandable, and a challenge to overcome. If you are at all familiar with toxic relationships and how they work, this had all better sound familiar to you.

Our dynamic couldn't have been more toxic. I picked his brain and was quickly infatuated, while he insidiously broke me down in open chat space. He used doublespeak constantly to make unsavory accusations which I'd respond to subtly in kind, and the friends around assumed that this abstracted language was us playing around, while it was often actually a heated argument. He talked down to me (causing others around to view me without respect as well), and made fun of how I typed and sometimes talked, which would prompt me to “correct” myself subtly over time until I began to lose my ability to articulate myself. He also aggressively opposed any of my hope in the future for his own emotional catharsis (though he also did this to others while I was a favorite target) which I took as a relished challenge, even as I also exhausted myself engaging in it frequently.

Now I understand this as an externalization of what very much should be an internal emotional coping process that he has offset to others purely out of his own laziness. I also know now that he fed on me trying so hard to get him to understand and accept my good intentions. It kept me talking and available. He'd occasionally feign being available for persuasion in that. He’d occasionally recognize how temperamental and harshly judgmental he could be, talking about times he was wrong about someone in the past and changed his mind. He said he would be open to honest criticism. But it was usually just an invitation for an argument.

On many occasions he has outright stated that artists in general remind him of his younger self, and so he assumes all the things he hates about his younger self probably also applies to those artists. He sees his younger self as an arrogant, self-aggrandizing egomaniac. For many years he has taken it upon himself to judge the character of any artist who crosses his path and “humble” them based on his own moral assessment. This simply takes the form of potshots and bullying.

As an artist and target, I have to believe that I do remind him of his younger self. But it is also clear to me that he was sensitive as a boy, as I'm still sensitive today, as an adult near his age. He always treated me as juvenile for making efforts to be optimistic. Sometimes he really has talked to me like a chastising father, which always disturbed me, but I ignored that intuition.

I enjoyed challenging him in any kind of debate even if it drained me. And unfortunately, some of that debate was about what kind of person I fundamentally am, and sometimes what kind of person he was. These never should have been up for debate in a healthy, good-faith relationship of any kind. Eventually I'd been made to fear myself. My infatuated feelings simply happened to me, but just the fact of them existing felt like a violation. I never once felt I was entitled to him or anything from him. I'd never felt so deeply ashamed of and disgusted by myself.

In my gut I must have known the whole time that I was being terribly mistreated, and outwardly that manifested as me almost daily venting my thoughts and feelings, really trying to get at why I felt so awful. And I thought this behavior was fine, because really he did the exact same thing. And I couldn't deign to consider it to be the guy who had always had such a hard life. I loved him, and everybody loved him. I did this so much that I'm certain I said some stupid things just by probability. And he told us all at some point that he keeps a screenshots folder on his desktop that he browses through sometimes. When he got called out in 2018 he had screenshots already of people looking like fools that he framed dishonestly (I know in hindsight but, in a way that, at the time, definitely had me fooled) so I wouldn't be surprised if he is sitting on a pile of my less-than-proud moments right now. And I am also sure that he's livid that he can't show screenshots of, what he now damned well should understand, is me having a psychotic breakdown, without looking like a complete monster.

Now, to jump all the way back to the topic of us all being very protective of Connor, I just want to be very clear that I don't blame any of these people I'm about to talk about. They are still my friends. They meant well, and they do currently mean well, and they do not disrespect me (however unintentionally) anymore. We were all under Connor's spell at the time.

Every single time Connor would talk down to me and something didn't feel right, every time he would insult me but I wasn't sure that's what it was, and especially every time he sent me a patronizing rant over nothing, I would come to the rest of the group to try and get support. Back then, I didn't know anything about the value of feeling my feelings. Especially by this point in our toxic relationship, I always thought I had to be the one who had the problem, especially since he was the one who apparently had such a difficult life. (I mean, I also had a difficult life, but I figured I at least was handling it pretty well.) I only cared about feeling better as quickly as possible and getting things back to a comfortable baseline. My friends would tell me that he didn't mean what he said, that he didn't mean it that way, that his paranoia as a very popular person was understandable so I shouldn't take it personally and just let him be defensive, that they were sure he cared about me and didn't want to hurt my feelings but was just blunt. And I would take any crumb he would throw at me to get the peace back. I didn't know back then that this just caused him to view me as a pathetic insect even more.

In early 2021, I was very confused by what was going on between us, and after he again lectured me like a toxic father would over nothing, I left his Patron Discord server while not really being able to say what happened, because I didn't know. At that point I had had my ability to articulate myself worn down thoroughly over time to where I wasn't able to tell anyone what was wrong, especially in a way that wouldn't make Connor look bad, as I had been told over and over to just be understanding and patient and whatever else.

Now, it had been some months, and he was still in a separate group chat as a fellow common member. It caused me a lot of fear, which I hid. There is a way to block people in chat. It hides what they have typed, but not to hide the fact that they HAVE typed. He would become more active when I started chatting. He’d send a message right after mine, and I couldn't read it through the block, but I figured he was trying to get my attention. He gave up, but I needed to get away.

But then all the stress in my life including his behavior caused me to have a psychotic breakdown. I used to live with my parents as I was going to college, but through their ignorance (as I am adopted so they are removed enough for my biological mother, whom I have inherited the schizophrenia from, to be totally lost with what to do) they were too frightened to have me live with them anymore. This happened on Easter 2021, and ever since then I've just been trying to survive. My parents didn't prepare me for financial independence as it was the safer route, the easier one, and I'm sure they thought they still had time even though I was already age 24 at that time.

But then in September and October 2023, my friends keeping up with Connor's activities told me what he had taken away from the whole thing. Up until then I was too scared to find out for sure, though I knew a range of possibilities.

Connor really decided to have so little respect for me in the end that he was willing to accept actual psychotic word salad mania as the childish tantrum of some fundamentally idiotic lunatic I truly was all along, despite anything that would have been to the contrary. While this would be useful for him for dismissing once and for all any debate I'd ever had with him to try to help him see the world as a less hostile place, this was the moment I drew a hard line. Ableism against those on the schizophrenic spectrum is beyond unacceptable to me.

Connor has a habit of using any mental illnesses or conditions he is aware he has as excuses for his behavior, but anyone else, especially with any conditions he doesn't personally have, he has no patience for and chalks it all up to personal failings on their part.

While I'm on the topic; while he abused me, I kept searching and finding more and more mental and physical health conditions that might explain why I was so inadequate. I even thought I had brain trauma, which I would think he would understand as a huge fan of boxing. The list only grew longer. I thought this was my growth. Part of me also thought he might finally go easy on me. It didn't work, of course.

But just the fact that he really did go so far as to reduce a mental illness as serious as psychosis (uncritically, lying by omission by not even caring about my side of the story because he didn't want to be proven wrong) into a personal failing, that hurt him personally, sent me into a rage. But even the personal slight to me aside, I felt an obligation to correct the record to the best of my ability to at least push back against this egregious saneism.

He also had assumed and purported as fact (lying by omission by not getting the other side of the story) that he had been kicked out of our friend group (this was while I was inpatient in the psychiatric hospital) because I, specifically, made a stink over supposedly spuriously supported transphobia on his part. And I've already somewhat discussed his unexamined transphobia and his dismissive, very offensive and harmful stereotyping of me as an oversensitive trans person. Because now not only am I being painted as unreasonably upset over pronouns, but he paints the people “on my side” about this as unfair, unreasonable, performative, etc etc.. In his story I am made into the problem for existing in the group, and having supposedly too much power over them all by making them all feel bad for me and consequently persecute him over unexamined and spurious accusations of transphobia against him. You probably know how the transphobic narrative goes. Really that's just a fraction of what he has to say about transmasculine people in general.

I could definitely see how it could occur that other trans people, especially transmasculine people, who still support him could definitely hate me just because of this narrative setup that he has going. I would be made into the villain that makes the rest of them look bad by fulfilling stereotypes or whatever, when they haven't even met me. It would be a Blaire-White-style bullying in a desperate attempt to set themselves apart from this completely bullshit version of me they've made up in their heads to Connor’s benefit.

Let me talk to all of you for a second. I'm severely disappointed in all of you that this keeps happening over and over again online, and yet you all still seemingly haven't even considered this as a possibility. And even after all that I've told you about my psychotic episode being the actual factor in this, you still couldn't even bother to connect the dots. And the way you've all used my schizoaffective disorder– when almost nobody has any actual functional undunderstanding of it and are ignorant to the point of seriously endangering us every day given how rare it is– as a bludgeon for your selfish agendas is absolutely disgusting and there's no excuse for it. User humancorps3 even had the gall to Blaire-White me about that as well. I wouldn't be surprised if you all sent that person after me on behalf of all of you for that reason alone thinking I would bitch out and that person could get to have a heaping dose of precious “pick-me” energy. You are all fucking awful, terrible people and you seriously need to grow up. I mean it.

But anyway. My pushback clearly caused him to lash out. For a while he'd even been using the doublespeak obvious to me which we had always used when we conversed, to joke about things I'd posted while in psychosis but couldn't delete from the mental hospital, when I had just told him that's what it was. That is absolutely unacceptable under any circumstances. He also posted, “Anyone who has a problem with me should just fight me to the death,” because he'd rather die than become a better man, perhaps especially at my hand, as if that would make me feel any better and absolve him of any guilt. (This is an example of the doublespeak we would engage in. He calls it part of “lateral thinking” and is fixated on getting more people to think that way.) It's juvenile and frankly, insulting to be thought of that way. It would be an easy way out for him. But he would shortly delete these posts, conveniently.

(Quick aside: if anyone's tweets ever make you feel dread in the pit of your stomach but you can't figure out why, that's not fucking normal.)

In either September or October 2023, I’d come to be told that he’d been talking about me as if we were a real couple in some capacity, some kind of lovers. My friends felt I had the right to know these things because I had been so scared up until that point to hear what he had taken away from witnessing my psychotic breakdown in real time. He would call me “jilted” and bitter, and make himself out to be a sexual Casanova. Yes, at one point, we were engaging in flirting that was exclusively sexual in nature, with the understanding that it would be shallow sex if we ever did meet up. My reasoning was that I hadn't yet experienced sex, but wanted to try it before I died. His reasoning was that it would feel good. And I felt so much pain on his behalf after all of the stories that he fed the friend group that I just thought it might brighten his day. Make no mistake that I was never under any misgivings and never thought anything to the contrary, but he was extremely paranoid and very disrespectful of my intelligence on the matter, and would send me essay’s length paternalistic chastising if I ever tried privately engaging with him on any level that wasn't purely transactional in nature, ((even if it was just me voicing my concerns about literally anything away from prying eyes,)) and would instantly jump to the conclusion that I had lied about understanding the terms of our agreement.

But it was shocking for me to find out that in calls and Twitter Circle calls, he would be reminded of me quite easily and he would go off on tangents where he's made himself out to be a victim. It should go without saying that if he was never attached to me as he claims and were over me, this wouldn't happen. But the fact that he paints me as an ex now, I find to be positively revolting after the way I've been treated, and he had specifically told me on multiple occasions not to call myself even his friend, not even as a joke, and I didn't joke about it after that. This new information caused me to have to recontextualize the entire dynamic between the two of us and be forced to reprocess it all over again. So now it's May 2024 and I'm finally going into detail.

Why the focus on his father at all? Well, it's the stories he would tell in an inappropriate “avoidant-attachment” style, as my therapists have put it. His dad would come up in these very frequently. I remember Connor telling me on multiple occasions, even during some of our many debates, that there were only two things he felt he could bond with his dad over: boxing, and political debate. One might be able to imagine how this has affected my processing of these events in hindsight.

He also told all of us how he would try really hard to harden him up for the world– holding tournaments with him and his brothers underdressed in the snow and now he has Raynaud's Disease. (I don't know if this correlates in actuality or not.) He would tell us about the time he got beaten up and how he didn't feel supported or cared about when his dad's response was to banter with a friend of his about his scuffles in the past. He told us how hurtful it is to naturally be such a large man so people assume he is violent. He told us how he joined the football team just to get bullies to leave him alone, and said that was the moment he realized that the only way he can go about life is violently, because of the hand he was dealt. He told us that when people act like assholes, he can at least be secure in that they're not faking it. So basically he spends time around a lot of you people specifically because you all suck ass.

I wish his dad would apologize so that all of this might stop. I don't want any more people to be abused, I hate to see the mind Hell Connor lives in. By the way, both he and I are now diagnosed as autistic. He is open about his status. So he will go easy on you if you say you have autism and demonstrate a different level of functioning than him, but only in an insulting, paternalistic way.

I think I speak for all of us when I say: we just wanted him to get help.

I fully understand that my revealing all this can be seen as a breach of Connor’s trust. In any other circumstance, I wouldn't even consider it. I even told you people repeatedly that I didn't want to air things out like this. The point was that he already knew these things so I wouldn't have to remind him, but now I see that the cognitive dissonance of people defending him viciously might benefit from all this being detailed.

But I also like to think I've been clear just how Connor has selectively breached all of our boundaries in our group and dashed my most base level of trust (trust to not lie about me and not be transphobic) when it benefited him in a short-term, maladaptive way. Controlling information and keeping secrets is also a main way he exercises control over people. I even understand I'm here now taking responsibility for some stuff I really don't need to. And I have always been fully within my rights to expose how he's abused me and the rest of us, and I'm not required to be concerned with the consequences. None of you have to fucking lecture me. None of you know your place. None of you know just how much he doesn't give a fuck about any of you. Fuck you people. I never did anything wrong. I didn't want to do this. Work on yourselves. Get the fuck off Twitter and go to therapy.

I will never use Twitter recreationally again, only for things such as archival or third party login purposes. I see that it has far too many bloodthirsty, terrified, fucked up people vocal on there, using therapy-speak and thought-stopping clichés to gaslight and abuse people they don't even know without even looking them in the face for those social cues, as well as each other they think are their friends, while everyone else is too scared to tell them they're not fucking normal. No, it's not normal to be so worried that you and everyone else is feeling the “correct” emotions. Because from experience I know that's what this all comes down to. You're not fucking normal. Delete your accounts.

You pushed me nonstop when I was just posting in a way where you'd be able to see it and you have such a fucked up sense of boundaries that you think I'm the intruder here. I tried to warn you. Now I want you all to know what he's done, and also why he's done it. Unlike many of you, I want to be fair to him, even if he derailed my entire life. Also because now, I truly know without fear of delusion, thanks to your harassment letting shit slip, that it wasn't personal, because he was just scared and lashing out against some fiction he believed me to be while in his most paranoid moments. But if that isn't bullying itself, I don't know what is. Some of you may be shocked to struggle to come to the conclusion that when people are pieces of shit, they always are for reasons that make perfect sense to them, and not necessarily to you, egotistical pricks.

That being said, I don't know if he should have a Patreon anymore. Hell, I don't know if he should even be a content creator anymore. Because all of this allows him to keep stagnating as a person. His Patreon has been reported, citing his off-site behavior, as Patreon within the last couple of years have made statements about Onision and Iiluminaughtii (not that any of them can actually be compared, OBVIOUSLY) that they will not tolerate their site being used to enable abuse off-site (paraphrased). I'll just leave it up to what they think. I at least thought they must be made aware

With this post, hopefully I'm done with this. I've partially blamed myself for all of this. I've also felt like I've been the only one (with my autistic memory and all the horrific stories of his I've been burdened with and with nothing I'm able to do with it) who might be able to clear the air once and for all. And now I can make peace with the fact that I at least tried to make it right.

#khonjin

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dont-strain-me · 1 year

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An update, of sorts (9/21/2023)

Hello everyone (or just me, haha!) - it's been over two years since I've updated this blog. There have been a lot of personal updates in my life, my own struggle with body acceptance, and health struggles, and I thought it would be interesting to share those in the context of this blog.

When I started this blog, I had recently moved out of my dad's house and on my own with my primary partner. I was also starting to get regular check-ups at the doctor for the first time in about...10-15 years? And part of my motivation for starting the blog - aside from wanting to physically be skinnier - was also that I was advised by my doctor because my cholesterol and heart rates were elevated above normal. I also had major issues with vitamin D deficiency (like, catastrophically low vitamin D deficiency!), some iron deficiency, and general sluggishness. I have a pretty strong family history of heart disease, so it was important for me to handle these issues.

Cut to - making this blog, and tracking my progress! I would bore everyone with what is already here, but - having been overweight for some time now - I kind of knew that trying to consciously lose weight wasn't going to work, and I thought I could do it ""healthfully"" with making small changes.

That didn't really work - at some point, I realized I'd just be counting calories forever. And I didn't have a great workout routine either; I think I wasn't exercising enough to get either the weight loss or general health benefits of it.

So, cut to 2021 - I decide to make a conscious for myself to stop prioritizing weight loss and just feel comfortable in my skin

This was...really difficult. Difficult in a way I didn't expect. I had an issue where I was trying to order a pair of pants online and I felt this weird paranoid sense of shame when I had to keep returning the pants to get a bigger size. I consciously recognized that the company had a really kind of stupid sizing structure for their clothes, but subconsciously it felt like shaming me for being plus sized.

There is something about trying to just develop a sense of comfort and body neutrality that seems threatening to people, too. Telling people you're not actively losing weight - especially when you're a small fat like me - feels like a sin of the highest order.

Now, this lasted for a few years. In that time, I had started therapy, and was trying in general to get out and get moving (on my therapist's requests). My doctors were still advising I lose weight, but when I would ask for more concrete suggestions or plans, they would just tell me the same general info. Fine, I guess, I'll just try and go to the gym a big and see how that goes.

I was beginning to have some issues with my blood pressure. So bad, that one visit to the OB/GYN for an annual pap smear lead to me having to sit there for almost 30 minutes over the time I was supposed to leave because my blood pressure was almost dangerously high.

Then, Autumn of 2022 - I kept getting sick with the flu, or COVID, or something, on and off for months. On the second trip to the urgent care to try and get some antibiotics, the attending physician - who also happened to be an ER doctor - took my vitals and saw my blood pressure was high, and gave me an EKG. Sure enough, she told me I was having a "minor cardiac event" but would be fine, but I needed to see a cardiologist.

After the cardiologist visit, a lipid panel, an echocardiogram, and a stress test, they concluded that my cholesterol and blood pressure were elevated, but not enough to be medicated, and I should try and lose weight, exercise more, and eat less fat and sodium.

This was really challenging for me, at first. I had a serious medical need to lose weight and have to constantly monitor my food intake, but that was a stress I thought I was able to leave long behind.

But I got started, and I started doing two things that I think have made the biggest impact on my vitals since - I started organizing my workouts based on time rather than how much I was doing, and spacing out fast food meals and other greasy/salty meals that I would want.

I used the US's recommendation for how much exercise an adult should get in per week - 150 minutes of moderate exercise. It was really hard at first, but honestly, it is so much easier than I expected. I tell myself that I need to find absolutely any physical activity to on Mondays, Wednesdays, and Fridays that get me to the 150 minutes per week (50 minutes each of those days). I'll double the time I have doing light work (like cleaning) so that it comes out to a more moderate exercise, but most of the time I find myself doing long, intentional walks around the neighborhood or at the gym, messing with the settings on the treadmill there to increase resistance. Sometimes I'll even go do weight machines, and keep track of the time actually doing an exercise with a stopwatch so I'm not counting excessive time sitting around as "working out"

Spacing out the rate at which I eat greasy and salty foods has helped a lot too. I have also started trying to do that with sugary sodas, too. I tend to have less cravings in general and am able to go much longer in between without feeling ravenous for it. Occasionally I have more than I should, but then I'm excited to bounce right back into healthy eating.

After doing all of this - honestly - I did begin noticing physical changes. I just felt "better" - I didn't feel so sluggish, and a lot of random aches and pains I would get around my body finally started to go away completely. I notice they come back when I'm too sedentary or eating too much salty or greasy foods, but then it becomes a good motivating factor for finding healthy food and maybe getting up and taking care of some cleaning around the house and doing a few stretches. Feeling this good really makes a big difference on my mental health, too.

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This is all to say, as recently as yesterday I discovered my LDL cholesterol is now only 4 points above normal (as opposed to like 40 points) and my blood pressure was at 116/70, at a normal range! My vitamin D is not dangerously deficient anymore, but I still need to take the supplements, and I am not longer deficient in iron.

And if you can believe it - on top of all of this - I have no lost any weight. In fact, I've gained about 5 lbs.

Knowing the years of hearing my doctors mention weight loss, I brought this up. I mentioned that I try and get 150 minutes of exercise in per week, and my doctor looked at me and said that my weight is stable, and that I shouldn't worry about separate weight loss right now because my body composition - as long as I continue this frequent exercise in the long term - will start to follow suit. I couldn't even believe it.

I wanted to end on this note, because I think it really proved for me that I can be healthy without having to starve myself, or feel like I needed to track everything I took into my body. It really can just be as easy as eating as healthfully as possible, have a treat when you need it, and keep yourself moving as much as possible, in any way that would be fun and fulfilling for you.

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