#im so fucing angry i hate this

[starii-lins]

hi guys i identify as fucking done and my pronouns are sick&tired

[garlique]

god oh my god this sucks so fucking much, i knew today would be the worst day so far but holy fucking shit i truly just wish i was fucking dead!!

[oliversrarebooks]

no demyx demyx DEMYZ HE FUCKE DIT UP, OLIVER FUCKED IT UP WHAT THE HELL OMG NO HEX A GODDAMN FOOL OMG. IMMA IMMA FUCKIN, OMG, I NEED A MINITE OMG, MY FINGERS ARE MOSIT, A, H, MY PALMS ARE CURLED UP, I cab't i can't holy fuck, he-my heart beating so fast rn. i can't belive he did that. oh fucking shit dawg, imma cry on the spot not my little baby boi finally fucking up omg I-, fuck, shit omg, im-imma cussing and a fussing ny hands are doing the claw thing ahhhh, why can't he just shut the fuck uppppp, nooo, omgggg. I now have to burp, but I tell you, I gasped out loud so hard I woke my damn dog up. Oh goodness me, I'm, I'm unwell about him fucing up. I have teras in my eyes, fromt eh shock. Holy fucl I am enjoying this (great chapter so far, I am, very dramatically enjoying everything so far.) /pos (Not lighthearted, more like dramatic hearted, being lighthearted about literature especially vampire literature...Can't do it. I have to consume it to my very being/soul.)

It's been 20 minutes, and I am just now calmed down enough to take an actual breather to get re-emersed in the story. newkwekee Read more, here I come once again. omfg stop.

i am cotinuing

thi btch has plot armour out the gods ass]

/funny

i like it alot, actually feels like whats supposed to happen. not neccesarily oh, author likes character too much to hurt them in a meaningful way. if that makes sense...I am going through it rn, this chapter has me amped up. I love it.

WHAT THE FUCK NO-NUH UH AIN NO WAY HES GOING TO LET HIM JUST SLEEP THS ONE OUT NUH UGH -

MNS IS GOING TO BE PUT THROGH HELL

oh

WHAT THE FACK HE THEY THEY'RE DANCING

OMG NOT COUNTING THE AH HE COUNTED FOOK-WE FOOKED

NO NO AH, NOT ALEXANDER TOO WHAT THE FUUUUCKKK NO HE MISSED NOTHING FOOK WE ARE SO FOOKED

WE HAVE BEEN fooked. Porr Oliver's back, and Alexander having to do it too is so crazy. Thats so fucking sad. Alexander getting punished fruther too is wild.

WAIT WHAT ABOUT HIS EYES

WHATRTHEDEDLEWE; HE HES NOT

THEY'RE NOT GOING TO GET IPENED

OMG OMFG NUGH

SHIT SHIT SHIT

OH, MY GOD AND THE FEEDING IT BEING SO PAINFUL AND HIM ACTUALLY FEELING EMPTY IS CRAZY

HE-OLIVER FEELS CRAZY? HES SO ADORBALE BUT WHAT THE FUCK MY BRO YOU KNEW MAESTRO WAS NOT GENTLE. WHAT DID YOU EXPECT BROTHER. WHATVEER IDC, I WON'T HATE DOWON ON OLIVER.

poor man, and alexander being so gentle still instead of angry and lashing out is so endearing.

i frogot about oliver's face in the midsts of my nail biting. omg

ahhhhh, imma cry he is going to look so terrible when he wakes up fr fr.

Lily mention <3

Excellent liveblogging! Thank you for the commentary!

Oliver has been trained to associate feedings with pleasure which is why he doesn't immediately realize that the feeding will be painful and distressing...

I try not to give Oliver too much plot armor considering it is a whump story and all...

[venting-dont-like-it-dont-follow]

my shoulder hurts and it's making me angry. people aren't responding and it's making me angry. my music doesn't feel right and it's making me angry. people are downstairs and they are talking anf it's making me angry. my breathing is too loud and it's making me angry. people aren't giving me attention and it's making me angry. i'm angry and it's making me angry. this bout to be my make or break. nah kidding. i wouldn't do that to him. this post isn't aimed at anyone i just feel like i'm losing my mind and writing it out always helpes. me. it's like 1 big outlet for all of my feelingss and emotions. just working trough them one by one. im not sure why im so irritated all the flipping time. or at anything. i asked mods in a friend server to yime me out cuase i wasnt sure if id snap. and noe im just venting everthing here in the case that it helps. because i dont want to snap. so instead im leetting it all out in one big text post. i hate what you did to e Pelle. i hte what you fucing didi to me. do you understand how you've ruined my fucking body. do you understand how violated i felt. mom do you understand that you pushed me until i broke and then you kept pushing. you broke me. always expecting more, never letting me get rest. you wanted to do whats right. but it wasnt working. dad you were emotonally absent at best an d downright abusive at worst. pascal. youve ever beliueved in me from the start. always doubting me and telling me my depression was fake and for attention. do you know a couple of the scars on my keg are cause of you. hope you are proud. alex. your great. but you never listen and always talk. im sorry im the only one that listens but doesnt men that you cant or dont have to listen to me. thats not how it works. Noa. fuck you for ruining whatever a friendship was supposed to mean. ive never dared to make friends with anyone or a long time since i met you. i hope you rhink about me with fucking regret for how you treated me. do you understand that ive looked at you wih disdain for ever entering my life. the 1st person to ever show me fucking kindenss and it was out of goddamn oity. fuck you. i wanted to thros and pull you from that fucking bike back when i saw you years ago. Tamara. youre stupid for expecting me to just do everything you say. im not a dog and im not a slave. im sick of people telling me how to live my life, who to interact with. and wwho i need to be. the only one ive truly and wholly forgiven is my qpp. cause he fucking showed compassion evenw hen we were on bad terms. and we repaired it bit by bit. and god i relaise im broken. im a shell of a person but fuck. im alive but i dont know i i'm living you nknow. and who fucking knows. none of this might make sense and i might just be causeing a big ruckus ffor nothing. kinda wanna put thi on on my maina ccount but i wont. anbd lastly. fuck you . yeah. fuck me. becaue i let people wall all over me and convince me of whats right and wrong or months. fuck this. ugh. i think im don ater abusing my keyboard ot a good 12 minutess. that., does oddly feel better actually. nive

[stellarune]

hey distract me pls ?

(mention of sh and stuff in the tags) (i was not planning to go off like that)

[daddyissuesmademe]

My thought process during 15X18 : Despair

NOTHING IS EDITED,  IWANTED TO BUT AFTER THE WAY THIS EPISODE ENDED, I CAN’T DO IT.

words : 756

warning : spoilers for 15x18, feels, lots of cursing, if it was on paper it’d be tear stained.

[Starting Scene]

JACK JACK JACK SAVE MY BABEY!!!

BILLIE WTF

JACK NOOOOOOOO

HOLY SHIT DEAN STAB HER YES

Awh they’re sad defeated drinking NOOO

This SHitshow

OMG CHARLIE

AND HER GIRLFRIEND !!!

HOLY SHIT STEVIE NOOOO

CAS UWU

JASCK BBY NO

FATHER SON MOMENT DONE RIGHT [under bad circumstances but still. TAKE NOTES JOHN. ]

this very sad remake of ROmeo and Juliet

EEILEEN FUCK. SAM IS IN LOVE PROTECT MY POOR GAINT BABY.

Hey Sam❤ GFHB JKNLL TESB

SHIT WHY’D SHE STOP TYPING

NOPE DON’T TELL ME WHY DON’TSAY IT.

HER LOCKSCREEN IS A PICTURE OF SAM URHGIOEOEGKN 😭😭😭😭😭 STOP THIS PAIN FEST

Sammy. He knows. So much. Hey same,  if I let myself go then I’ll lose my mind.  SAME FUCING MOOD.

SO MUCH PAIN MAKE IT STOP

This Clownshit

DEAN WHAT THE FUCK ARE TYOU DOING. DON”T PLAY BATMAN. oKAY lmao kill death THAT’S SECOND TIME

“I’LL GO WITH YOU DEAN.” BITCH DAMN STRAIGHT [CAN I SAY THE S WORD??] YOU WILL YES. WHAT “ALRIGHT” I CAN’T WIITH THIS SHOW.

HUG HUG HUG HUG HUG. we love bro hugs.

REAP A REAPER. YES LOVE THAT FOR DATE NIGHT. FUN.

Wreak her place. Burn her books. Yes go trash a library. SMOKE HER OUT YES DATE NIGHT DATE NIGHT DATE NIGHT. Love the background music.

DATE NIGHT BACK ON TRACK. OH SHIT THIS ABOUT TO GO DOWN. hELLO BOYS??? I think the fuck not you trick ass bitch.

[SIDE NOTe: Dean looks hot af with that blade. Sir might as well cut me in two and send me on my way]

DATE NIGHT TEAM UP !! YEAH BILLIE STOP KILLING HIS PEOPLE!!

Wrong place??? Fuck fuck fuck sam fuck shit. NO NO MORE KILLING

THIS HIDING IN  A SILO FEST

DONNA !! D-TRAIN!! HI BABY. OKEYDOKE OMG PROTECT THIS ANGEL

Bobby hi. YOU’re funny hi. We love bobby. No matter from what earth. Just badass.

JACKWHAT???? BABEY WHAT DID YOU DO TO THE PLANT-

NO SMOL CHILDNO NO NON ONO FUCK SHIT NO STOP CHARLIE!!!! BOBBY!! NO STOP.  STOP TREATING SAM LIKE THIS. FUCKDONNA !!!

THE BUNKER SHITSHOW

CAS IS ON PROTECTIVE HUSBAND MODE.

FUCK DEAn BILLIE STOP HURTING HIM. BILLIE STOPPPP.

“YOU ARE EVERYTHING I LIVED TO SET FREE” [lmao that’s how you know you made it]

“human disorder incarnate?”  Mom. Dad is that you? Y’all death now ?

“I’Ve got you” HUSBANDS

THIS IS IT, PAIN FEST.

Dean. Dean no. not the time to self blame. STOP THAT.  The way they look at each other!!

“I WAS ANGRY AND BECAUSE I JUST NEEDED SOMETHING TO KILL AND BECAUSE THAT’S ALL I KNOW HOW TO DO”                       StOp THIS NOW.

“SHE’S GONNA KILL YOU AND THEN SHE’S GONNA KILL ME”   AND HE WAS READY FOR IT.

WHAT NO NOT LIERTALLY DON’T TRADE YOUR LIFE CAS. FUCK THAT DEAL.  

OMG STOP TRU HAPPINESS                                                      SWGIUHIB STO PSTYOP STOP

WHAT DO YOU IN LIFE and why can’t you ever have it BABEY YOU DESERVE THE WORLD.

[ side bar: if he says what I think he’s going to say and if it is something that’s been waiting to happen since season 4 and something that the SPN fandom has been craving for and they decide to give it to us one episode before this fuckall show ends then I swear by all things holy I’m gonna break something (my heart) but damn okay fuck fuckfuck. Back to the episode]

DADDY”S BLUNT INSTURMENT

Cas is… saying ILOVE YOYU ??? dean is the most caring man on earth !! most selfless. THIS IS MAKING ME SAD. “I CARED ABOUT THE WHOLE WORLD BECAUSE OF YOU.” BITCH IS SAD. SAD SAD SAD. He said it.                                                                                                   HE SAID IT.                                                                                         WHY AM I CRYING                                                                              HOLY SHIT I NEED A MINUTE

STOP LOOKING AT DEAN WITH THOSE EYES IM CRYING STFU.

Dean sAY IT BACK you fool.

[ HOLY SHIT GUYS!! THE WAY HE HELD DEAN AND TOSSED HIM ASIDE?? YEAH CAS’S BLOODY HANDPRINT IS IN THE SAME PLACE AS WHEN CAS RAISED DEAN FROM PREDITION. I HATE THIS FUCKING SHOW. KILL ME NOW.  ]

[NO ONE TOUCH ME]

The way Dean Winchester sits on the floor on and em*ty room which was 2 seconds ago beaming with revenge, angst and love, finding and looking for a grip to get on reality is exactly how I am right now except I can no way match that man’s beauty.

LOOK AT JACK. LOOK HOW BROKEN HE LOOKS HOW TF IS HE GOING TO TAKE THE NEWS OF CAS HUH??? WRITERS WTHAT THE FUCK ??/ YOU WANT THIS TINY BABEY TO GO THROUGH THAT ????? AFTER HE CALLED HIM DAD???? FUCK YOU.

DEAN IS SOBBING. I REPEAT, DEAN IS SOBBING. IT’S THE CLASSIC HAND THROUGH HAIR CRY OUT EYES OUT. THIS IS BAD THIS IS BAD.

So in conclusion, I hate this stupid show an how it makes me feel sad, happy, mad and destructive at he same time. Now if you excuse me, I’m going to sob my eyes out even though I physically can’t.

[perillaleafs]

uuhghghhuuhgh

i am so fucking PISSED i have to pick up slack for fucking eveyrhting and for everyone cause no one knows how to communicate and help and actually Fuckig contribure to this. and its gonna fall apart if i dont d everything so now im doing the equivalent of 13 peoples work cause no one!!! knows!!!!!! how to fuckifb participate an d collaborate and their fucking jobs and be serious and understand that theyre committed to a job and that this is fucking important or everything will fall apart and its driving me up a fucking wll and goodddddddd

ive cried over this ive cut over this i have been so fucking afflicted by this and by people who dont tke thir jobs seriously and ijus want to know!!! that i am doing something!!!!! and call me fucking attention seeking or something else but ive been literally torn up over this for the ast 4 months cause no one fucking listens to me or gives me basic respect ad i dont have teh FUCKIGn time to stress about thid!!!!! i have to figure out m future and i have to grow and i have to be something i can proud of and these piecesof shit are holdin me back and  im fuckngpissed i need to do!!!! something but i cannt because no one listens to me

i hate that im so affected by this but its been what i live and breathe for the past 3.5 yearsand its whats been keeping me sane and it used to keep me stable but now its such a pain and its literally causing me to spiral and i am so fucking angry!!!!!

i dont hve the fuclong time to deal with any of this oh my fucking god but my ASS DOESNt know how to separate my life from my work and how to not fix every problem i come across because i feel like i have no control over my life and so i have to fix and make things around me better cause thats the only way i can feel accomplished :-))))))

it fuckig hurts because i am just too involved and too close to this and its been rotting me away for a long time and i need to disconnect!!!! but i cant because everything will fall apart and now i think im giving myself too much credit and its garbage hell time.

im jealus of peiopple who got out and people who arent looking back cause i so badly want to move forward but i cant :-) cause im stuck herefor another 6 months at least :-) and i need to figure out what the next four years of my life are gna look like and thats too much for me :-) and i hate it the amount of responsibility i have and how its so fucked up that its where i dont need i, and i dont have it where i need it and i just need people to know!!!! that they arent fucing doing what they need to and god. 

and this one person doesnt realize that shes?? not the fucking entitled, all deserving queen she thinks she is? and another needs to stop being so entitled and bossy. and another needs to stop relying on others for reassurance cause i am about to fucking lose it. he needs to understand that he has fucking work to do and that hes not doing everything he cn and hes not taking anything seriously. and he needs to understand that hes not the center!!! of everything!!!!! stop asking for fucking credit if you did nothing. stop. everyone needs to do their fucking jobs correctly or o h my od i amgoing to tear myself apart i feel like im fit to fuckin burst!!!!!!!!

i feel like a fucking doormat and i feel like im getting manipulated by everyone and everything that i know and im so close to falling apart for the seventh time this school year. i knwo its not good for me and i know its hurting me but i have no other outlet to do something i enjoy and have normal fucking conversations with people and i have no other way to keep myself steady. im too dependent and i know that and i hat it and ive been wriitng about this for like ten fuckin gminutes. i need a better outlet i need to get this out of my system. last time i was this bad and torn up was late october cause og my GOD some people dont knowt hat actions and words have consequences and that they impact other people in ways thatt hey dont intend :-))))

[pastelacrylics]

im gonna throw up bc i feel sick but this one’s for you babe 😘

Assault TW under the cut

Alright so the date started out pretty fucking fantastic and we were just being dumb kids and playing basketball, harmless and fun, right? right. anyways it was pretty good shit. we went downstairs and like an idiot i try to show him my favorite video game. it doesnt go well and he gives up but whatever. then my sister (i love her shes great and joined us up until this point) suggested playing minecraft. now, i hate minecraft. it is all the wrong shapes and triggers my ocd. i have lots of trouble with this and its dumb, i know. seeing that i was upset, he was pretty nice and said “maybe later” but like then suggested watching greys anatomy

now greys anatomy is the shit. i love it. its my absolute favorite show but it freaks my little sister out so she left. nows a good time to mention that prior o the date i said i wanna take shit really slow. like super fucking slow. that im autistic and it takes me a while to get comfortable with physical contact and i dont want that. that im ace and not interested in sex wit him. that he should avoid sexual situations bc idk what ill do. that i dont even romantically like him, just have lots of excited positive feelings about him.

i was alone with this boy. in the basement. note: i always go to the basement, and my brothers always make me uncomfortable when theyre down there. im not loud. there is essentially nothing i can do at this point. we watch a vague amount of greys, and i curl up into a tiny fucking ball. this is my normal. everyone on the fucking planet knows this is my normal. he ask if i want to cuddle, and i dont really say yes or no, but i was definitely telling him i was uncomfortable and wanted to take things slow. he cuddles me anyways, but he triggers a pressure stim so i assume it will be fine. eventually we stop watching greys and i recount all the noncon/ abuse so he gets why ive gotta take it slow

im not entirely sure how it got to this but before our vaguely sexual act he kept staring at me weird and i kept telling him to stop. he kept asking or trying to kiss me and i kept saying no. i dont know how many times i said no that night. after that he started touching my skin, but like in a nice stimmy way. i was okay with it. it reminded me of one of my friends comforting me, it was familiar. he started going towards my chest- note: im dysphoric as all hell and do NOT like my chest being messed with if i dont trust you. (Also some time during my telling him about my past he started trying to pull me into his lap. i only now realized its so id be sitting on...... anyways) i did not say no. i wanted to try. i wanted to be okay. eventually he pulled at my shirt and bra. eventually i was exposed. i said nothing. this was not something i wanted or was comfortable with, but this was MY doing. i started crying. i told him to stop. i told him no more for the night. i told him no more contact, yeah i was kinda turned on but i was overwhelmed, i was done, and i wanted to STOP. I told him it was done. We could continue to hang out, watch tv, he could go home when he assumed, but he would stop touching me. he told me “sometimes you need to push your boundaries” I tried to convince him to fix his problem so he would fucking leave me alone. he refused. we ate dinner. i grabbed another jacket and went to the bathroom or whatever. i went back down, curled up again. he tried shit again. i told him to stop. he asked if we could “cuddle” i said okay. he started involuntarily bucking. i told him this. i told him it was funny but to stop. he said okay. he didnt stop. he kept going. eventually i gave up. my brother came down and i had 15 minutes of peace. we started watching anime. he was staring at me creepy. he forced me into his lap. i told him to stop. i told him no. (i went nonverbal while he was bucking and this was him assuming i was “okay” again i guess idk it was gross) i was pushed onto my back. he pulled my shirt all the way up. he did what he fucking wanted. i gave up. he sucked on my nipples, he left a bruise on one. he moved onto my neck. he left another one there (i dont bruise easily, and i got it to fade quickly because i hated looking at the proof, and my body doesnt generally take to bruising) i was on my back. he moved my hand so i would be getting him off. he started to take his fucking belt off. i told him to stop. i told him it was time to go. I was not being penetrated without my permission ever again. he didnt want to leave. he asked me “that did nothing for you?” no. no it didnt do anything for me. i told you no. i told you i didnt want it. you make me sick. i just told him “no” and laughed it off

i told him to get an uber. i tried to kick him out. it was another 5-15 minutes of silence and avoiding touching him as he waited for his ride to come. i walked him to the door, and locked it. my mom immediately knew something was wrong. she asked me what happened. instead i wanted to throw up, and i went to bed. i told my best friend, and ex. my ex was really fucking good to me about all of this. he left his fucking hat and i want to burn it. i hate all men. i hate teenage boys. i hate misoginy. i hate that i didnt believe the last girl who was assaulted, who told me, because he lied to me. i hate that i can be clearly scared, and youd rather believe him. i hate that youre angry at me for this. i told the girl i didnt believe i was sorry, i confirmed something with the girl i fought with last year, i told my best friend and my ex. i told twitter “something happened” on private so a friend at lunch could see. i told an older friend so i could ask for help. i told my other best friend. (7 people online) but in person?   i quietly told 1 friend at the beginning of the day, 1 teacher who i thought could help me avoid him, 1 friend in my group that i couldnt participate (she was his ex, shed understand) and you. thats when i fucing told you. next i told a girl who i knew was vulnerable to that bullshit, then a teacher so i wouldnt have to. see him in the next class. then i threw up and went home. didnt even tell our last friend at lunch. he doesnt know what happened. he might assume based on the other two girls but i didnt say shit. (6 people in person) ...the teacher i asked to help me avoid him told my councelor and my principal and my mom was called. I said i was going to talk to my therapist first but that didnt fucking matter, did it? no one fucking gives a shit about me and im just making this up right? I had to recount details to my mom. she said it didnt count as assault because i. wasnt penetrated (legally it does) she said it wasnt bad enough. that i asked for it. that i should have been more fucking clear. that i. was sending mixed messages. that she went through so much worse. that it wasnt worth ruining his life over. that it wasnt worth sending him to jail over, that it wasnt worth having him marked a predator over (3 girls minimum have been attacked)  because im just fucking lying about this, right? and you dont believe me? well i cant fucking believe you. go eat lunch with someone else, and in the mornings im gonna hang out in the only classroom in the school that will protect me from him even though shitty people will be there too.  and babe? he told me hes glad im not mad. that ill see him again “soon ;)” he sucked on my lip and made me feel violated. but misoginy is so ingrained in us that you dont fucking support survivors, and you never support me. I love you but im so fucking done.

[gayspock]

dont rb, rply... last bost and then i’ll Bury these babies

even getting angry over it is so.... cowardly, really. i should really just fucking face the fact im better off dead instead of trying to Mask it in twenty levels of denial and shitty emotions, stop trying to Blame it on other peoplee, and just fucn Swallow the fact i am a fucking. trashbag. and shits my Fault. and i cant do Squat. and stop getting so Whiny about it and just fucking Die because thats the Logical conclusion you can draw from such a worthless, fucking burden of an existence.

like i dont fucking know. i dont know why im alive still. theres fucking nothing for me and i dont know why the fuck i bother to cling on, and i say this every time  - i whine about this, every time!!! oh no. im fucking garbage at everything, i just mess everything up, im stupid and im incompetent and i fucking Break things just by touchin ‘em and im always Far more trouble than its worth and God Knows everyone just gives up on that kinda Wreck. slike you know when everything just Falls apartlike i cant!!! god, i dotn know. i just wish there was somethin to fuckin hold onto but i have no future im Stuck in this house with a family that rightfully fucking Hate my guts i cant live for my fucking Self because everythingss just Hurting and Horrible and Miserable and reminds me of how much of a Colosal fuck up i am and god knows its sso Fucking pathetic trying to find people who want me because i never anything more than a big Fucking joke in the end and maybe thats what im Kinda upset the most about right now like. 

like you know when slike!!! you feel so so worthless and people are like “stop saying that” and slike. im not ssaying it because i WANT you to validate me or im fishing for people to be like “no no no” aand i know some people do that and i dont want to Seem like that person i just. but i genuienly dont want th at and i ahte that i fucking. hate when people take Such fucking pity on you for being uch a fucking w aste of space and they pretend to fuckin like you out of pity and they pretend like they care and mayb they Think they do!!! maybe they Think they believe they actually respect you, because they want to think that theyd see someone that way!! 

but then the Reali-tea of it all is they think youre a fucing j oke and not in a !!! cruel way they jsut. think youre a fucking w reck and. think yorue being stupidd and pathetic and they know be tter they always know fucking better and i dont now im jsut. im sick of people sometmes??? im sick of people just shutting me down and not lsitening to me when i try to talk, and they dont even knoww theyre doing it, but its like !! actions speak louder than words, man, and even though youre constantly trying to Reassure me that u value u me as a person, its so Horribly obvious when you dont even give me a fuckin Platform to speak, or even try to understand me, that slike??? im nothing to you, im Nothing at all really and i jsut. i dont know. like you kknow when people treat you wih disrespect but sliek. they dont even kno theyre doin it and its like!! thAT HURTS a lot more because its not even malicious or them trying to make themselves feel better its the fact You are not deserving of it and you are so iincompetent and fucking wo ethelss and i dont know maybe im being too fucking. much here i just.

like i jsut kinda... i dont know. i wish i was Worth as much as everyone else and i wish i couldd be just.f feel like im an Equal person amongst peers but it always jsut feels lik im the stupid fucking joke and i jsut. maaan i jsst wish i felt a little Reeal for once and had a fuckin purpsoe and i wish my feelings mattered and maybe thats childish and god knows im one childish bastard but i ufcking. bbwhewjeughdhdj. 

[sadalienboii]

rantrantrant

[bara-baggage]

I don't even know anymore. It's 4:20 am and i can't sleep. But its okay, what do I have to wake up for. I'm not doing anything with my life. I'm just a fucking fat peice of shit. It's not funny anymore. I want to disappear and be whiped from existence. I wouldn't have to worry about nothing because everything about me would be gone. Over.

[killbaned]

im so fucking goddamn fucking pissed because the fucking crate my clothes are in tipped over into my fucing suitcase from the last trip and now i don’t know whats clean or dirty and rufus slept in all my clothes so now they have to all be rewashed and im just fucking angry because i only have three FUCKING shirts i can use as pajama shirts and im down to only having like three fucking pair of underwear because we literally don’t have the money for that kind of shit and im just so fucking TIRED OF THIS SHIT 

it’s not fucking fair i already fucking DID THIS FUCKING SHIT ONCE. 

i hate this i hate him i fucking hate him and i hope you’re fucking reading this chris because i fucking hate you 

[guyfierisrealwife]

yall mind if i fuckin uuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh cw for fuckin abuse ig

im so fucking lonely and i hate living here so much like im seriously at my limit idk what to do anymore like. theres really no safe place to be? like some of my friends have offered to let me stay with them for a little bit and that is extremely kind and generous of them and i love them very much and if either of you are reading this thank you so much ily ily but like i cannt do that to you and i also cant leave my mom alone with her ex as much as id want to leave this place and as much as i appreciate the offer i cant leave her

but at the same time both my mom’s house and my dad’s house are unsafe places for me to be at but i cant leave and i dont even know if ill be able to go back to school in the fall like rn idk what’s going to happen and like if the virus isnt like. less. by then i cant go. like i have severe asthma like it gets set off by anything and if i get it i might go to the hospital or die or whatever and its just not worth going back to school for a semester if i might just fucking die but also i Hate being home and i dont want to fall behind where i want to be with school and i dont want to be a semester behind all of my friends and graduate late like i know thats kind of stupid but i dont want to yknow

but most importantly with that i dont want to lose my fucking job if i have to take the semester off like thatd be devastating to me like my father isnt helping me pay for school and my mom is helping a little but i want her to save her fucking money like id rather be in debt than have her live with chris any longer than she has to so working is really important and i love my job a lot and im like Good at it and i dont want to lose my job

idk im just worried and if my dad screams at me one more time or makes some weird sexual comment or like moans loudly in our shitty small apartment where i can hear everything he does im going to fucking lose it like please im Literally Begging you to shut up like i hate living here i hate it but i dont have a fucking choice and like i know that there are solutions to this but none of them can like. work because i cant leave and move away without my mom being able to do the same

plus my brother screams at me for doing literally anything and he steals money and food from me like sometimes ill have like alcohol in the house bc how the fuck else am i supposed to cope and he just Takes it and he steals money from me even though he doesnt fucking need it like he’s not going to school and if he needs something my dad will get it for him bc mikey is physically the largest and strongest one of us so my dad is just like “here have whatever you want”

and my dad literally doesnt care about anyone but himself i was like “if your friend is in the house can you please have both of you wear a mask” and he lost his fucking mind at me which is like. cool. ok thank you. i mean there’s a pandemic and you and i are in high risk groups and i know the only thing you’d care about if i died would be that i wouldn’t have any more accomplishments you can take the credit for and if you fucking cried when i died id haunt you for the rest of fucking time you disgusting pervert id make your life hell like the fucking hell you made me grow up in but whatever

also we’re fucking poor which honestly does suck like a lot of the time like im not allowed to shower that often bc my like 10 minute showers every other day take ‘too much hot water and make the bill too high’ but if mikey takes an hour long shower every day he doesnt say Shit, and he’ll buy himself a lot of new shit and make fun of me for buying a computer with the money i made by working (at a job he doesn’t think is like a ‘real job’ even though it. is?? like i dont get his logic?? is it bc i work for the school i go to? whatever.) becauyse my computer broke beyond fucking repair and id had it for like 5 years and the new one i got the fucking person at the store was like “you need this one” and it was on sale because parts of it dont work so i was like “yeah ok sure” and my dad is like “um :-) you cant say anythign bc you bought a new computer” and its like yeah and i dont pay the water bill so whatever if you want to complain abt something complain about how you drink a 12 pack of beer a day and scream at your kids about how when we ask for food it’s too expensive because we’re like “can we have milk and sandwich stuff in the house?” and youre like “literally die i hate you i hate you. im such a good dad :) you are so ungrateful :) no one helps with anything in this house :)” even though i literally do?? like so much??? and if im like “im going to wash dishes” since we dont have a dishwash machine he’s like “NO DONT FUCKING DO THAT YOUD USE HOT WATER” and its like please im fucing begging you to have a brain dude like im really begging you to think for once in your goddamn life about literally anything

not to mention hes a huge homophobe and fucking ableist even though he has a gay, mentally ill daughter and a neurodivergent son that he refused for YEARS to admit has some kind of neurodivergency and didnt let live with my mom because he “didnt want to lose his only son” even though hes abusive to him and all 3 of his fucking daughters lmao and he wonders WHY heather and alyssa hate him so much its because he says things like “youre so hot” to his daughters and then screams at them and says shit like “ladies shouldnt fucking swear” and threatens us and screams so much and thinks that an “im sorry...................you know how i am...........i was just upset..............why are you so angry that i screamed at you until you cried and then got even more mad that you were crying............................. i didnt do anything wrong and you should forgive me even though i never will change.” like dude i told you it made me anxious when you came into my room when i was in 6th grade and you laughed in my face!!! you laughed at me!!! when i was clearly nervous and visbily afraid you were LAUGHING at me

AND HE FUCKING LIES SO MUCH!!!! HE LIES TO EXTENDED FAMILY MEMVERS TO MAKE THEM THNK HES A GOOD PERSON AND HE ACTS SO BELITTLING i hate him so much i literally hate him and the times that im so fucking lonely bc i have no one else i live with to talk to i say something to him and hes like “shut the fuck up and go away” and its lik :-) ok. how do you expect any of your kids to talk to you if you tell me to go away as soon as i say anything

and dont look at my goddamn ass and legs and dont look at other women like that either and dont masturbate with the door open just FUCKIN STOP YOURE DISGUSTING I HATE IT HERE

also mister “i NEVER hurt any of you” like yeah ok THATS why you screamed about hitting us and threatened us and literally?? did??? hit us with your fcuking belt? like what lmao do you have fucking memory loss ??? like do you not remember like ik it was a while ago but think back like. i remember clearly you slapping my brother across the face but ok lol

anyway i Do hate it here lol

[orchidsoftie]

this past month has been so unkind to me. i feel like my head is going to explode. i’m so frustrated with myself. i feel overly emotional and angry and sad.. i hate everything and everyone. and i overeat. i eat and eat and eat and i can feel my fat rolls when i sit down but whenever i work out nothing seems to change. my legs will look like this forever. it’s so bad. it’s so bad. whenever i see a girl, the first thing i do is compare their legs to mine. my legs are huge. they are so big and muscly. i hate my legs. i hate them! i hate my huge thighs. i hate my muscly butt. i hate my hip dips. i hate my thighs..i hate my thighs so much. i hate my huge muscly calves. i hate them. i hate my swollen ankles. i look so disgusting. i hate my legs. they are so huge. recently i used to be okay with the top half of myself, even as much as i hated my legs. now i hate my top too. i hate my waist. i don’t have a waist anymore. my stomach is full of fat. i have so much fat on my stomach. i can feel it pushing on my jeans. i hate jeans. i hate myself. i hate my body. i hate my body so much. im being so overdramatic. i hate my body. i wish i could just die for a little bit. i wish i could disappear. i wish i could become an airy wisp. im so disgusting. i can taste the food i ate on my tongue. its disgusting. i never stop eating. i hate eating. my do i eat so much? i eat so much. i hate myself. i hate my body. i hate my habits. i hate my emotions. i hate being so overdramatic. i hate doing this. im failing everything. i just want to scream. i hate being alone. i hate being with people. i hate looking at people. everyone hates me. everyone HATES ME. with a passion. i can feel it. they all hate me. and they stare at my stomach when i sit down. i can feel the fat rolls on my stomach when i sit down. i hate my stomach. i feel queasy when i look at y body. i hate my legs so much i hate my legs. i have my waist. i hate my wide shoulders. i hate mmy skin. my skin is so disgusting. my ars are covered with red bumps. i will never get rid of them. people will always think im having an allergic reaction. i look like a fucking trash dump. nothing i do wil ever be enough. i will never be prety. my stupid fucking nose. i hate my nose. my cheeks are so fat. i don’t hve a jawline anyomore. i want to decorate my room with plants but i will never take care of them. it takes so much effort to clean my room. the wall of picture sin my room is so fucking ugly. i hate it. its so ugly. i have clothes everywhere. id on’t have anytime to do anything. i dont have time to do my fucking homework but im here typing on my stupid computer AHHHHH i fucking hate myself i hate every fiber of my being and i hate even the imaginary parts of me, the figurative parts of me that you can’t touch. i am a failure of a human being. i will never be enough. i hat everything. i hate teh fact that im going to be majoring in something im not interested in just to get into a good school. i hate everyhtign. i hate it i hate this i hate myself. im so bad at school. i hate everything. i fucing hate everything. i want to just disappear. im not going to kill myself. im too selfish. i hate myself anf love myself at the same time. i am nothing. but most of all, i hate my legs and my stomach. they can fuck off

[semenguine]

it’s. just after 7:30 when i har the nock. 7:35 maybe. or 7:40. imin the twins room. chaing their diapers. and. im finishing up with adelpha. i’m putting on diaper cream. she’s drooling. i’m already miserable because of what happend to me because of what i did. two nightsb efore i. 

i was stupid. the kock comes again. and. i tape adelpha’s diaper on and pick her up and give her butt a little pat and she just goes n drooling. and i put her in the same crib as her sister becase they dont cry when i leave the room if theyre togetehr. and i see eden trying to get down the stairs and i tell her no no ill get it. and she says ok. and shes really hungover anyway not just alcohol all sorts of shit. so she hobles back to bed. 

the person knocks aigan. i shold have. lookd through the pephole but i didnt. ijust opened the door. i thought maybe itwas the mailman or somethng, bit. t wanst

i open the door. and ts him . and i freeze for a second and. hes stronger thanme because everybody us and. the next thing i know. hes in my home. and. he closes the door an locks it and. i dcant breathe. and i wish i never went to him.and remibded him i exist. that we exist. and i frorgot he knowswhere i live.  

what re .you diong in here i whisper. i messaged eden, he says and he pouts. but she didnt reply and it really hurt my geelings. i just awnted to come by and see if shes ok. pleaes dont hurt eeden, i say. pelase. please. she shouldnt have left me on read he esays. thats crazy i say. please hurt me instead dont hurt her please. she’s isck she broke he rankle i say desperately. please.

he grabs me by the wrist and says if i have to go looking for her things are only gonna get worse for her. where is she? i want to cry he holds on to me so tight i take him to me and eden’s bedroom.gary pushes me in ahead of him.

i stumble. who was at the door? eden asks. p-put this on, eden, you have to, i say quickly, i rush over and bring her her shirt and shorts- why she says. does someone wanna talk to me? she clutches her head and she groans. yes eden please, i say. are you okay? she asks. she’s a little shaken up, says gary. eden’s eyes go wide. gary grabs my wrist again. don’t hurt her please, i beg. he ignoesm e. 

what the hell are you doign in my house? eden demands. she’s more alert now. she. grabs the clothes and he lets go of me and walks right over and yanks them out of her hands. you won’t need those, he says. for the shit im gonna do to you. you aint ifnna do shit to me, edn says. angrily. you know what i dont care what you here for. let me show you the exit and maybe ill jus t tell the police you got lost.

you won’t tell the police anything, he says. because they don’t give a fuck. you know that. eden’s chest rises and falls. she doesn’t say anything. why didn’t you reply to my texts? he asks. cause i dont like to entertain crazy people, eden spits. aw, gary says. im not crazy. im just angry. you understand, dont you? its kinda like how it was, his eyes narrow. when you broke my nose. you know? or maybe how sierra felt, he gr abs me again and pshes me onto the bed. when she made me lose my FUCKING job! his nostrils flare and he takes a deep breath.

tears are streaming down my face please gary i beg. i cant pay rent he rants. i have to move back in with ym mom next month. what do you want ,eden says. i hear your ankles broken that true? gary asks. eden looks at me i swallow. gary pulls the covers off eden, who scrambls to cgover herself. thats cute, gary mocks. thats how you lseep huh? in your little dino undies. youre a psychopath eden says. i cry .

you’ll never be a real man edne says gary. oh thank god says eden. you couldnt give y our wife what she needs gary whispers. so ehe came trunning to me. the fact tha t you’re violent and evil enough that a sexual abuse survivor wlould come to you  when she want s to retraumatize herself is a weird fl ex eden replies. 

shut up, says gary. he gets in to the bed no please i say please dont hurt her. he wont edensays. he smiles at her. you think youre so tough that youre such a man he says. well men he squeezes her chest and she shoves his hand away and raises her arms defensively oevr it. dont hav e .these. youre just something else arent you but, when it comes to babymaking you do the mans job dont you eden he whispers. so i guess you’re moer man than girl.

eden’s dead silent and then she attakcs him.but shes hungoer and her ankle is broken. all i he gdoes is put pressure on her ankle and shes cries ou tin pain nad he pins her down to the bed. no i cry. gary please. bring me some tape he orders me and maybe ill be gentle. i dont knwo what else to do so ijsut agree. 

i fee stupid as soon as ai bring it back he tapes over eden’s mouth. it muffles her screams. she kicks and thrashes and tries to get him off but hres pinnedh er arms down her noiesse increasie in fratnicness as he pull sh er underwwar off her. he strts talking . about hoe we ruined his life and how much he loves watchinglesibian porn and alwaysa wishe he could be part o i now look he ist and how rede n will never be a man . eden kicks desperately. shes’ cryingnad triyng to scream i can tell but the tape the stupid dape.

i grab on to garys legs please stop i plead she didnt do anything please. he kicks me and i fall off the bed. i land hard. i cant move im so dizzy. i just lie there and my whole body hurts. eden screams nad itheres nothing  i can do. when gary tells her she’s so tight she makwes a good woman in some ways there isnt anythin g i can do.

that hurts doent it gary syays this is what you did to me this is what you did to my life now how does it feel. wish there was a bit more space in hre eh says. so short i can only fit ab out half of me in but then i guess its cause ths little hole donest lead to anywhere huh ? how sad. i hate fucking you its so messy .so much damn blood. 

edens still screinamng. i hatem yeslf i hate myself for leading  him here. i never wantedto hurt anyone you knwo that? gary starts crying. but you bitches made me. i had to do this. you did nt give me a choice. hekeeps goinga nd going. he takes the tape off eden’s mouth i har the rip but he 

she doesn’t screma for long he cms in her mouth she starts gurgling an d coughing. theres a slapping nois e fucking swallow it you bitch he tells her to suck the b lod off. eshes crinyg and sobbing and choking. stop it, i try again. my voice is weak and stupid. please.

t then. one fo the twins starts crying i am fiilled with fear. oh he says i almost forgot. i haen’t met your kids yet. NO, i cry. no don’t hurt them gary please they’re just babies they’ven ever done anythign to yo uplease, i sob. please please don’t hurt them please don’t hurt my babies don’t hurt my babies. i crawl to his feet hurt me instead i beg. 

i look at eden and there’s so mcuch blood on the sheets and on her elsgs i almost scream. she looks e mpty. thersf cum a an d spit allover her chin. he looks at me and gets up. no i scream desp earetly. i grab on to his legs and try to hodl him back . please please i sob. dont touch my babies ont hurt my babies.

i just want to say hi, he says. but. do you know how easy it is to suffocate a baby? NO PlEASE, i sob. eden drags herself out of bed. she half crawls half drags herself along the floor. i if you la y a fucing hand on my  k kids ill kill you, she says hoarsely. yo ucant even stand gary says.

d dont need to shes cryig. to kill you. gary drags me along and i mst il l cilinging trying to hold him back. eden drags hers elf to the nursery. a mara is crying. she.cant get up eden whispers throug hthe crib bars its o k. dadas her e. 

gary tries to get closer i bite him. get away from me! he shakes his leg btu i keep clinging. adelpha starts crying too i can tell they are scared both of the babies they are bot hscared. i sob. gary gets closer. edeng goes crazy she. growls . aa nd. claws and bites himhe cant  shake her off. 

he moves back. eden glares at him on all fours naked, blood trickling down her legs the cum drying on her chin tears all over her face gr ubting and pantimg animalitcially she bear s her teeth at h im . oyu’re pathe tic he say s. look at y ou. but i can i thin k he is scared .

hopefully he says. you wont ig nore one of my mes sages agin. right? you’ll fuckin rspond back wont oyu? edens silent . wont ouy? he demands. i look at eden p l adingly. hshe look at me and back at the tw ins. yes she says. good. he says. youre no t a man . you can never mke a gir lhappy. dont for get, gary sneers. and if y out tell te police about this i’ll make your lives a awliving hell.

he grabs me by the wrist and throws me to the floor and ki cks my rirbs in. i scrmea. stop it, edne says. sotp it, he mocks. stop it. he kick s me gain and then says . . i think im ight stay her for abit. you havea guest room dnot you?

no ,eden lies . he smile s. well make one, he says . hhhe went out buty hell be back. thats what scares me the most is he’l be back hes stayign nad anything coudl hapen. he tt tok pictures of eden. nad hell s hare them out  ii f. we odnt do what he says. 

i dont tihn k i hav e to watch you he said . you two are sma rt people. i thinkyou know hwat it ocudl do to eden’s career.

and h hes right we kno w so we cant get help we cant do an y hting. were at ihis mercy .

[ilygsd]

170918: 2

wow im obsessed and i didnt even realise. i dont know who to blame. of course i blame him, he’s obviously trying to manipulate me whether he knows about it or not. but im not any better. its not true that i want to manipulate him, but im not better because i basically LET IT HAPPEN. for fucks sake i WANT to be used. i want to be controlled. im not even putting up a fight??? im like ”hi come and use me” we really are perfect for each other. i wouldnt even mind him controlling me if he just stopped being so fucking aggressive and started to feel

so perhaps its good that he’s a sociopath. if he were to feel i’d still want to be contro- no nevermind. like i said yesterday, i wouldnt even fall for him if he wasnt a sociopath. ugh i hate myself is this what it is like? have i zero self respect?

my mom, my ex and my sister are telling me to block him but i fucing CANT!! ”would you let your little sister keep seeing a person like this?” NO, NEVER. I WOULD NEVER. so why do i still want to? why do i want to? the only thing keeping me from panic-text him, panic-call him and panic-meet him is that i think ”if i wait a little but more i can see him later”. thats so fucked up. im having him as a….. motivation.

im so sorry im so fucking creepy can you imagine how much i will CRINGE about this? i realised this is a pattern. i always seek people like this. the confident ones who wont let anyone manipulate or control them. i idealize them, want their love and attention. i want them to take care of me. my previous best friend and a guy i found interesting didnt want to control me. they didnt want me to become their slave, they probably found it weird so they ditched me. and that was good because i went fucking crazy. i saw it as a rejection. i was disappointed. i saw them as weak and since i thought this was how relationships worked i automatically tried to be the dominant one. i failed. they left and now im here ashamed

thats why i isolated myself. i was depressed for 3 years, waiting for a new start. university. i started university and i finally gathered the courage to start over. i finally opened up to the possibility of making friends. so i started to chat with people. he was boring as fuxk. just another boy. but DAMN he just….. he just….. he basically just said ”you’ll be alright you’ll be happy one day, i was like you but i recovered” AND I DIDNT EVEN DO ANYTHING. I WAS SO SHALLOW AFTER ALL THE RELATIONSHIPS IVE RUINED DO YOU THINK I WOULD TELL HIM ALL MY PROBLEMS?? no this bastard just reached out to me, he just read me like that

it was too good to be true. i should have known. but i fell for it. so hard. i was so terrified of letting this happen for a third time. and i just did. im letting it happen again. im golng to be ruined. i wont be able to recover this time. if he destroys me i’ll be dead. hes not like my precious best friend or that other guy. no he actually WANTS to use me. and hes mean about it. hes so mean when hes angry. maybe i couldve let im if he wasnt so mean when angry, but i cant. because he’ll always be angry until he realise he’s wrong which he’ll never do because hes a fkn sociopath with no empathy or understanding or guilt.

and i still want him. i still want him so bad its insaaaaane. i shouldnt want to, but i want to. i promise i’ll convince myself ive come over it but then i’ll meet him again and i’ll fall just as hard if not harder. it will become a pattern until i block him or he just grows tired of me. i wish he could block me. im thankful that hes not in love with me, im thankful he got his side hoes because otherwise i’d be completely taken away.

fuck keep your head, keep your head. i low key regret i ever told my mom and my sister and thats dangerous. i will NOT hold secrets to them. if i do i’ll only turn to him. i’ll isolate myself. not because he tells me to, he wouldn’t need to be that controlling. i’d do it automatically because i want to. fuck me. i want to meet him. i want to cuddle with him just one more time. just a little longer. i want to hear his voice