#im so fucking tired my dude and if i dont shut myself down completely at work then i will go crazy

[gracelesslion]

idk ive had it man.

[bldofthedrgn]

[eleven] in every cosmos | han jisung smau

11 - grafias

words : 1.7k

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a/n : omg a double upload from user babysungs :o my brain was going crazy about writing this part and i coukdnt help myself!! bit of a longer written chapter but i think its worth it :) i didnt edit it too much so i hope there arent many mistakes!! enjoy :)

Opening the door to the restaurant you were expecting many more people than there were, only seeing two people, but you supposed that it was for the better. Big crowds werent really your thing anyway.

hey binnie!! im here waiting for you :)

No response.

I guess its to be expected, you were here about thirty minutes earlier than you were supposed to be. He was probably just leaving his apartment. Still, you couldnt help but be weary at the fact that he hadnt bothered to read your message.

Thirty minutes. Thirty minutes had gone by without a single message from changbin. Surely he should be here soon, unless he wasnt planning on coming at all. You were confused and a tiny bit hurt, failing miserably at not jumping to conclusions way too early. Were you being stood up? Could you even be stood up if this wasnt a date? Had he found out about your affection towards him and now wants to make a joke out of you? What exactly was going o-

Ding.

The door had opened. You looked up in anticipation, praying desperately to see Changbin walk through the clear glass door that you had been watching like a hawk for the longest thirty minutes of your life.

… Jisung? you thought to yourself

Great, first you get stood up then the one person who manages to make you feel like shit at every encounter shows up. Just fucking great.

“What are you doing here?” Jisung questions, putting an emphasis on the “you” as if you werent allowed to eat in public. “Waiting for your little boyfriend I assume.”

“What? What boyfriend?” You had never been more confused in your life. Since when did you have a boyfriend?

“Yeah. Your boyfriend. Changbin?”

You couldn’t help but become a bit flushed at the thought of Changbin bein considered your boyfriend, though it like would never happen.

“Jisung what the fuck are you talking about right now? Changbin is not my boyfriend” you shoot back starting to get annoyed.

“Oh dont act like you two arent together. I should have known since the first day I saw you guys on a date at that stupid cafe.” Jisung was also starting to get annoyed. How could you and Changbin keep denying your relationship when he had seen it for himself?

“Dude we had JUST met that day. We didnt even know each other”

“Yeah I call bullshit but sure.”

“Okay you know fucking what Jisung-“ you started, completely ready to rip the taller brunette to shreds at this point though you were interrupted.

“Alright calm down lets not overreact please.” That voice was all too familiar.

“Changbin??? What the fuck are you doing here I thought you were standing me up!” you were completely enraged at this point. Not only had Jisung riled you up but now Changbin was standing here acting as if he hadnt kept you waiting for what felt like hours?

“Y/n, I didnt stand you up I promise,” Changbin starts, “please just let me and seungmin explain before you chop my head off.”

“Seungmin what the fuck dude??” Jisung was equally as stunned and not-so-equally as enraged as you were.

“Ji just shut up and listen to Changbin please.”

Everyone got quiet allowing Changbin the floor to explain what kind of weird misunderstanding they were in now.

“You and Y/n have some weird beef with each other that you need to talk about. I think you both have some misconceptions about each other and you need to work them out now because constantly being in the middle of this is so tiring. I hate fighting with either of you to defend the other when both of you are my closest friends.”

Friends. Right. The word stings in your chest as you had almost forgotten what you were to Changbin. His friend, nothing more nothing less.

“Oh whatever you cant force me to talk to them.” Jisung spits, pulling you out of your own head.

“Trust me I dont want to be here more than you do.”

“See. That right there. It needs to stop” Changbin continues visibly aggravated, “youre both staying here until you can work out whatever weird fucking tension there is between you.”

Changbin and Seungmin walk towards the door leaving you and a very confused and peeved Jisung standing closer than you realize at first.

“We’re locking you in. Please try talk it out and try to get along” Changbin says as hes locking the door.

“Where did you even get the key???”

“I rented the place out for a day. Good luck!” He throws two thumbs up and walks away with Seungmin.

Great.

“Dickheads” Jisung mutters under his breath, “why do I have to be stuck here with you.”

Now you were seriously getting upset. It wasnt even anger, just pure sadness at the fact that one of your biggest idols, the man you looked up to and loved most out of any musician to walk the earth, hated you so much he regarded you amongst the trash of the earth. He held such disdain for you and you had no idea why.

“Jisung. Why do you hate me so much? What have I done?” you ask desperately trying not to let the tears slip

“Are you serious?” he scoffs, until he looks at you and sees the deadly serious expression on your exhausted face. “.. Fine. I hate you because not only did you completely ignore my existence when Changbin first brought you to the studio, you also stole him from us. He stopped hanging out with us to hang out with you all the time until I called him out for it. I get youre his partner but fucks sake he needs to make time for his best friends and music partners too.”

Jisung watched as your face went from serious to utterly confused when he started explaining. It mad him even more mad at you, how could you be such a terror in his life and act like you dont know anything about it?

“I think Changbin was right when he said there were big misunderstandings between us.” Jisung scoffed loudly at your start, not believing you for a second. “Jisung let me finish before you blow everything im about to say off. Please.”

You saw Jisungs expression change as he settled himself into the booth you were both sitting at. “Alright fine. Go ahead.”

“Thank you. For starters, I didnt ignore you. I said hi to you and tried to talk to you several times but you either just didnt answer or couldnt hear me. But I tried really hard to make conversation and get to know you, I would never in a million years pass up the chance to befriend my favorite musician in the world”

Jisung did not expect those words to come out of your mouth in a million years. He could feel his heartbeat pick up a bit, choosing to ignore it as if it werent happening. “And Im not dating Changbin. At all. We’re honestly just good friends and even if i were dating him, strong if, I would never take up all of his time especially when I know how important your friendship is and how busy you guys get. That is not the type of person I am at all and maybe you could never come to like me or be friends with me but please dont think of me so harshly. I really didnt mean to make you feel that way about me. Im sorry.”

He was dumbfounded. Truly blown away at the fact that he was so quick to judge you and hate you for something that was completely his fault, and that you were the one who felt bad and even apologized. Jisung realized what an asshole he had been to someone who did not deserve it in the slightest.

“Y/n I-“ you quickly cut him off, not prepared to be berated by him again.

“Please dont say anything I understand you dont like me but I cant take-“

“Let me finish.” Jisung had gently rested his hand on your forearm, which had been laying on the table. His hands were so soft and he was holding your arm so tenderly- wait. Why is your heart racing so fast? He noticed your flushed face and eyes that kept glancing at his hand on you and he couldnt help but smile to himself a bit.

You nodded your head, signaling to Jisung that he could continue.

“I was going to say Im sorry. I had no idea that I was the problem this whole time and treated you so badly for nothing. Truthfully I felt bad about being mean to you because I thought you actually could be nice but I was stubborn and felt like you deserved my hate. I am so sorry.”

“Oh … its okay. Thank you for apologizing.” Your voice had gone quiet, not expecting Jisung to be so warm and kind to you. You tried relentlessly to ignore the roaring butterflies in your stomach.

“Of course. So ..” the man started, smiling to himself a bit, “your favorite musician in the whole world huh?”

Shit. You didnt even realize you said that. You could feel his confidence dripping from that stupid smirk on his face.

“Pffft whaaaat who said that that wasnt me I dont even know you who are you again?”

“Yeah okay whatever at least I have something to brag to Changbin about when we leave here.” he laughs, “Friends?“

Jisung mentally curses himself for sticking his hand out when he feels the warmth from yours meet him in the middle, the motion only making his heart beat faster. He prayed desperately hoping you couldnt hear it thumping out of his chest.

“Friends.”

You both shake on it with smiles, both trying to ignore that fluttering feeling in your chests growing bigger the longer you held hands.

Though neither of you would never admit this, you both were overthinking the rest of your time together waiting for Changbin and Seungmin to get back with the keys. You kept on with your conversation, talking about any and everything to keep yourselves from dying of boredom and hunger, but neither of you knew that the other was having the same thoughts deep in the back of their minds.

Why does my heart keep racing when im next to you?

taglist | @gyuville @kikivonpoopyhead @sohyeappy @enaluvs @mits-vi @spikertrash @dynarvot

bold means i cant tag!! sorry :(

[transsexualhamlet]

sherlock holmes reactions part 4 (?) ive lost count already but unsurprisingly ive grown even more attached to him

using this as the cover image because i made him a playlist. cause im awful

no legit this is gonna need a read more because it's SO LONG SHIHEWIESHEFSHIEWHF

Had three mental breakdowns this week and realized i do in fact kin sherlock motherfucking holmes. this does not bode well for anything in my life mentally I've diagnosed him with so many things

Oh boy lol you want the list I think hes autistic (undisputed honestly) plus also adhd but on top of that there's the manic depression and uhhh the bpd lmao I dont even think that's it those are just. the obvious ones

But yeah man's a fucking mess and a shit person but in the same way as me so 👍

Some highlights I thought were very funny:

watson: we are in fact going to be waltzing into a place where people are Shooting People you do not have your gun. this is a problem

sherlock: don't worry watson I have my trusty stick!

watson: visible pain

This clearly happens like every day or so with them

but yeah there were some really honestly sweet scenes with them at the apartment and why am i getting soft over the crusty man being gay

have you considered tho. have you considered them

have you considered sherlock, who usually only plays absolute garbage on his violin serenading watson to sleep when he was tired and in pain and watson being so fucking in love with the man and waxing poetic about falling asleep to his music and waking up to see him fallen asleep on the couch next to him and oh my god them

They're just really sweet together for such a completely dysfunctional couple so much of the time lol I just. Sherlock being like.

Sherlock half of the time: watson you're fucking stupid. no i won't take care of my personal needs stfu. watson get a goddamn life. watson shut up. watson no one cares about your goddamn opinion. no i need to disturb you in the middle of the night it's for science. hey watson mind if i manipulate mansplain malewife

Sherlock the other half of the time: HELLO SIR YOU ARE MY FAVORITE MAN TO EVER MAN HELLO MAY I SPEND THE REST OF MY DAYS WITH YOU HELLO I WILL DO ANYTHING FOR YOU WE ARE PERFECT MATCHES I LOVE YOU AND I NEED YOU YOURE SO MUCH BETTER THAN ME PLEASE MARRY ME

They're... they certainly are.

ALSO OH MY GOD.

THIS ONE TIME WHEN SHERLOCK WAS JUST PACING AROUND THE ROOM AT 3 AM GOING "IT DOESNT MAKE SENSE >:(((" AND HUDSON LIKE BARGED IN TO COMPLAIN AND THEN WATSON WAS LIKE DUDE YOU GOTTA STOP DOING THIS AND PROCEEDS TO SAY THE LINE "YOU ARE KNOCKING YOURSELF UP, OLD MAN"

BAHGHSFHGRHEWHEWHIFEW

BRB SOBBING

CALLING HIM AN OLD MAN???? KNOCKING HIMSELF UP?? I DONT KNOW WHATS FUNNIER

The main highlight of this part was I have now gotten to see him have a great time watching his homo homie get married

Its so fucking funny.......

I was prepared for a funny reaction by yuumori sherlock's face when he said it lol but. Damn i was really not prepared tbh

watson: I'm engaged!

sherlock: *pained groaning*

watson: do you... not like her?

sherlock: no she's fine she's great you'll be wonderful together bUT I HATE IT WHEN PEOPLE ARE HETEROSEXUAL WATSON DO I HAVE TO MARRY MYSELF THEN WATSON? ARE YOU GOING TO MAKE ME MARRY MYSELF.

watson: yeah... yeah... fair, I feel really bad because you did this whole case and I got a girlfriend out of it and all you got was me leaving you alone fuck man im sorry what are you gonna do without me

sherlock, highly sarcastic: dont worry watson I've always got my handy cocaine! *pulls it out and gets high in front of watson just as he's about to leave*

watson: *in fucking agony*

sherlock: good for you!

I DONT EVEN- THIS SCENE KILLED ME MULTIPLE TIMES OVER WHAT

ITS SO GODDAMN NONCHELANT ABOUT IT SHERLOCK IS JUST LIKE YEAH I WILL IN FACT NOT BE MENTALLY HEALTHY IF YOU ARE NOT WITH ME 24/7 BUT WHATEVER YOU DO YOU /S

I'd like to apologize to watson on sherlock's behalf lmao. man is being a bit too codependent on main

The last thing about sign of four I do need to address is yeah, there's the Horrific Amounts Of Racism in that one and the whiplash hearing it is just ridiculous because they seem to be so knowledgeable in all other areas and fairly... politically correct, taking sherlock's original misogyny as a purposeful character flaw, but then they just mention someone indigenous once and suddenly its all parrotting racist propaganda and just... really awful shit. There's no way I'm gonna speak for the group that just got absolutely hate crimed here but anyone can tell the author just has no clue what he's fucking talking about and it's physically painful.

And I don't know, it's just so bad it seems out of character? Doyle's making these motherfuckers say shit that honestly, Sherlock would know better about. And especially Watson. Come on, you cannot tell me watson is mentally capable of being prejudiced against someone. Please do not make him that way.

I'm not sure how to handle it specifically, or what's the proper way I should handle something like that in a media I otherwise like. Is it ok to say Doyle was clearly a piece of shit on the matter and separate those characters from his bias or is that insensitive?

I don't know, I was Not a fan of it and I'm glad to see they've at least finally shut up about the guy

But anyway yeah, uhhhh onto the short stories because I'm trying to read those before I get to the final problem

Scandal in Bohemia was a fucking ride, first of all, before we even get to Sherlock's girlboss arc we have to discuss how gay the whole situation was and how Doyle's attempt at making them less gay failed spectacularly

Like he's all "ah yes I need to marry off watson and uhhh make sherlock ummmm interact with a woman so they dont look gay" but he does it SO BADLY that it makes them look EVEN GAYER

cause i mean, even the conversation they had about watson getting married back in sign of four was gay af, but how Doyle handled things afterward was in no way straighter.

Cause you know, the man kind of wrote himself into a corner with the fact of Watson narrating these stories. So Watson has to be around to witness them, and to witness Sherlock's own thought process rather privately, so he has to be around sherlock at night, a lot. But trying to come up with a reason for that happening just... it didn't occur to Doyle. He just went. Ah yes this makes sense. And it's Watson just like Sleeping Over At Sherlock's like every other goddamn day and every time his wife leaves town and having them basically still live that cute domestic home life but they have absolutely no excuses for doing it anymore. It's quite funny

Like it was gay already the way they interacted when they officially lived together but it was like, a necessity for them. Now it's not, Watson just comes over because he goddamn wants to, and it's hilarious to me.

LIKE IDK I THINK THEY KIND OF BROKE UP FOR A YEAR OR SO BC OF WATSON GETTING MARRIED AND THEY LIKE DONT HAVE CONTACT WITH ONE ANOTHER BUT ONE DAY WATSON JUST INEXPLICABLY HAS THE URGE TO COME VISIT SHERLOCK ON NO NOTICE AND THEN SUDDENLY THEY ARE TOGETHER NEAR 24/7 AGAIN LIKE BARELY ANYTHING CHANGED AHIEHOEWH

SIT DOWN AND TRY TO TELL ME THOSE ARE NOT HOMOSEXUALS

Watson walks in on no fucking notice after a full year and Sherlock is just. In the middle of some experiment obviously but hes like

Sherlock, carrying around unidenfiable chemical mixtures: W A T S O N you look good you look good! i see you've gained seven pounds!!

watson: uh. thanks??? Hey lol *awkwardly waves* Uh um Wanted to Uhm sEe you

Sherlock: ABOUT gODDAMN TIME AND YES WONDERFUL LOOK LOOK SIT DOWN I HAVE THINGS TO INFODUMP ABOUT

watson: :) ok :) *turns to camera* and we were back to the old days

sherlock: makes a deduction

watson: wowwwwwwwwwwww !! so true bestie !!

sherlock: !!!!!!!!! :))) !!!!! :))) uh fuck im supposed to be smooth Its Elementary Lol

watson: *turns to camera* when i stroke his ego like this and compliment him he blushes like a girl like i just complimented his dress so i do it more because he likes it. this is a homie trait

watson: well i should probably get going! my wife will notice that i am gone my dear buddy bro homie!

sherlock: NO DONT LEAVE IM LOST WITHOUT YOU (pretty much a direct quote lol) your. wife doesn't. get back home until monday. I know this because I am smart and definitely have not been stalking you.

watson: alright :)))))

AND THEN HE FUCKING SLEEPS OVER LMAO FUCKING HOMOS

So yeah they're right back where they were before pretty much and there's a case bc of course there is

And honestly I think this short story specifically was so insane mostly just because of how absolutely fast it all went. Yuumori kind of made me believe the original Irene Adler was more of an important character than she really is? And I think that's. Honestly so funny. Motherfucker shows up for ten pages, girlbosses her way around town, and changes sherlock's entire opinion of the female gender while still keeping him gay?

LIKE NO LOL SHES NOT IN ANY WAY A LOVE INTEREST AND WATSON GOES OUT OF HIS WAY TO SPECIFY THE FACT THAT IN NO WORLD WOULD THEY HAVE BEEN ROMANTICALLY INVOLVED BECAUSE. SHERLOCK. DIDN'T DATE WOMEN.

HE WAS JUST??? SO IMPRESSED AND SHELL SHOCKED BY HER EXISTENCE HE DECIDED IT WAS TIME FOR GIRLBOSS APPRECIATION DAY TODAY AND ALL DAYS HENCEFORTH???

AND THEY HAVE LIKE O N E INTERACTION?? God, the power this woman(?) has. Watson looks at her once like. damb shawty 😳 and she's like "no<3" and he's like FUCK

Like yeah it's pretty much just the king walking up like "help girl the whore is blackmailing me" and sherlock being like "ok lol this will be easy" and then it proceeded to not in fact be easy or even possible

sherlock like... posed as a dead body and tried to get her to give up the location of the photo but she out-acted him and skipped the town the next day after doing the 'good night mr. sherlock holmes' thing with sherlock completely tricked

and she just. sends a letter like "dear sherlock holmes. you're a fucking idiot and i think it's funny that you lost. nice job tho mad respect" and sherlock just SHORT CIRCUITS

the king comes back a bit later like "hey Dude where's my Photo" and sherlock's like oh yeah uhhhhhhhhhhh about that and the king is like HOW COULD IT POSSIBLY HAVE BEEN THAT GODDAMN HARD i would have dated someone more noble if she wasn't so pretty i swear im on a whole different level from her

and then. GIRLBOSSIFIED SHERLOCK HOLMES RESPONDS "from what I have seen of the lady, she seems indeed to be on a very different level from your majesty" ABSEHHESHEFHHFES ROASTED

and the dude just LEAVES

After that I read a few more of the short stories and well the highlights I got from that pretty much were these conversations

Watson: sherlock. honey. have you. eaten anything today

Sherlock: IT DIDNT OCCUR TO ME DEAR WATSON

Watson: ITS FIVE PM

and:

Sherlock: *having one of his Moment Moments at three in the goddamn mornig* GRRRR CRIME ISNT WHAT IT USED TO BE

Watson: MY DEAR SHERCOCK WHAT IS CRIME S U P P O S E D TO BE LIKE ACCORDING TO YOU

Sherlock: no one's original anymore fucking copycats

Watson: so you want the criminals to make things harder for you specifically.

Sherlock, exasperated: yes!

I love them your honor.

[qweeby]

Nine Lives To Short Part 2: A Hero Confronts the Hypothetical

♡♡♡♡♡♡♡💔💔

Paring: Hitoshi x Reader

Genre: Angst

Tag @foxypuppy

Plot: You only have 9 days to tell him how you feel....but maybe 9 days just isn't enough

"Please be ok please be ok!" that plea kept replaying in the mind of Histoshi Shinsou as he is sitting in the waiting room of the hospital.

He thinks about your soft touch, your sweet voice and your unforgettable laugh as tears stream down his eyes his voice breaking "please be ok....please..."

The entire room is quiet....tap tap tap tap is the only thing that can be heard and its coming from Shinsou as his left leg is violent shaking.

"Shinsou....?"

The entrance to the waiting room opens it's Kaminari and Mr. Aizawa, Denki rushes to Shinsou then begins to pat him down, patting his face and chest "YOU'RE OK RIGHT NOTHING IS BROKEN RIGHT!"

Shinsou brushes Kaminari off, " I'm fine it's not me you should me worried about....it's y/n she's the one in real pain".

Aizawa puts his hand ontop of Shinsou head rubbing his hair making it messy. "Yeah but that doesn't mean you aren't hurting to kid... it's ok to cry it won't make you any less of a hero.

Shinsou looks down " I just need to see her".

Kaminari sits next to Shinsou asking "How long have you been here, Hitoshi?

"About 5 an hours, after I ran Y/n to her parents and they called the ambulance, we came here and the doctor said that the parents can come with them but friends and other relatives were to stay here".

Suddenly Hitoshi sees your parents walking down are walking down the hall he jumps up quickly and makes his way towards them in a panic.

" Is y/n ok! What happened to her! C-can I see her please!" Hitoshi is frantically blurting out all of the questions that been on his mind of the pass 5 hours until your dad stops him.

"Woah woah calm down there Hitoshi, Y/n is fine she just need rest we actually came out here so we can take you home".

Shinsou tenses up shocked that after all that waiting he's just going home with seeing you.

He was not gonna let that happen.

" Home?...... HOME! THERE NO WAY IM GOING BACK HOME AND I DONT HAVE A CHANCE TO SEE IF Y/N IS DOING OK! I-....I have to see for myself.

Aizawa steps up, " Last time I checked Recovery girl was sent here to help Y/n with her injuries so she should be up"

Kaminari holds up his hand trying to put his two cents in " Plus he's been waiting 5 whole hours".

Your mom hangs her head "Yes that is true but....y/n is gonna need more than just kiss to feel better".

Your father begins to sweat as Shinsou glares him with anger in his eyes, everyone in the room begins the feel Shinsou's uneasiness.

"Let me ask you a question sir".

Your father gulps "Yes, Hitoshi?".

His pupils begin to dilate as Shinsou uses his quirk and asks the question " What's happening with your daughter".

Kaminari quickly grabs Shinsou pulling him back, " Dude! Are you crazy you can go around using your quirk on people!".

" IM NOT GONNA STAND HERE WHY THEY LEAVE ME IN THE DARK! I NEED ANSWERS!"

" Y/n's quirk....is hurting her shmmh-" before your dad can finish his sentence Aizawa stares at Shinsou erasing his quirk while simultaneously your mom covers your dad's mouth.

" Hitoshi! Control yourself Now"

Hitoshi shoves Kaminari back as her runs pass the three adults to y/n's room.

" Wait Toshi! You...don't even know where her room is...".

Aizawa sighs " Leave him Kaminari, right now I'm gonna need you to step outside" he angrily glares at your mother and father "I need to a meeting with some parents".

.

.

.

Meanwhile Hitoshi is running though the hallway is he searching for your room " Where is it..HA! Found it!.

Hitoshi kicks open your the hospital door.

" Y/N!" You jump and scream " AHHHH! What the HELL HITOSHI YOU CAN'T DO THAT WHAT IF YOU BROKE IT".

Right now all Shinsou wants to do is to hug you and hold you and never let you go but...

He just stands there and yells.

"You're such a God Damn lair!"

"...who told you-".

" APPARENTLY NOT YOU! WHEN THE HELL DID YOU GET S QUIRK FROM! HOW LONG HAS IT BEEN HURTING YOU?!"

You sit up and take a beep breath, "My quirk developed last week I didn't know how I was gonna tell you".

" LAST WEEK!? THEN THAT MEANS.....t-that means..."

-Hitoshi thinks back to last week after school when he was training with Aizawa-

" Hey Mr. Aizawa Hey hey" you eagerly jump around the tired teacher circling him. " What is it now kid?"

" Can you use your quirk on me?"

Shinsou spits out his water " ppppfffft why would he do that it literally won't do anything".

You turn to Shinsou pouting " yeahh but sero says when that when you get you quirk erase it's like your soul leaves you body".

Shinsou squints his eyes at you " I think Sero was high when he told you that".

Aizawa rubs his eyes and grunts.

"Ugh! Fine come here kid but after this I don't wanna hear anything come out of you mouth until we are done training".

You nod while standing still as Mr. Aizawa uses his quirk on you but no it looks like nothing happened.

Hitoshi chuckles " See told you it would work" he looks at you and see the look of utter disappointment and defeat. " What's with the face cat?"

" I was just really hoping that something....anything would happen but...oh well".

You smack you face as you give Shinsou a big thumbs up " You gotta ge back to training-mmmpfh-!"

Aizawa wraps you up his his cloth like a mummy and gives you to Present Mic

"Here Hizashi here hold the kid"

" YOU GOT IT SHO!"

Shinsou could help but laugh at the whole situation while you freak out the Mic's arms.

-He then thinks about how you acting at lunch during that same day-

" Hey Y/n you not gonna eat?" Kaminari askes while shoving fish sticks in his mouth.

"Oh umm I'm not really hungry"

"You aren't? But I haven't seen you eat anything all day are you sure?"

"Yeah Hitoshi I'm ok".

Bakugo the reaches across the table to get in your face " HUHHH THE LITTLE KITTY DOSEN'T WANNA EATTTT? I BET IF CAT BOY OVER HERE FED YOU, YOU WOULD EAT IT ALL UP!"

You and Bakugo clash foreheads.

" SHUT UP YOU FERAL POMERANIAN"

"GRRRR....THE FUCK YOU JUST CALL ME YOU QUIRKLESS LOSER!".

Kirishima walks to the table smiling simultaneously as he sits down saying "Man it looks like it's raining cats and dogs over here".

" SHUT YOUR TRAP YOU POINTY TEETH DIMWIT!" You Bakugo scream at Kirishima at the same time then go back to arguing with each other " STOP COPYING ME!".

Shinsou watches as you don't eat anything but shrugs it off as you going on a diet.

Hitoshi falls to his knees shaking, his voice breaking.

" THAT FUCKING QUESTION WASN'T JUST A HYPOTHETICAL WAS IT!"

You get off your bed as you sit in front of him, "No it wasn't ".

"I so fucking stupid Y/n..."

You slow reach your hand to grab Hitoshi "No...don't say that..."

"But it's true! Can't you see!

Shinsou raises his head looking at you his eyes bloodshot red, see him like that startled you , so you back up but then hes says something that made you hate yourself.

"....How can I ever be a hero if I can't even save one person...I'm so weak"

Tears begin to fall down your eyes seeing your best crumble apart by your actions, you jump into Shinsou's arms crying repeatedly saying " I'm sorry I'm sorry I'm sorry".

You feel bad for Shinsou as he may have come across one of the most hardiest trail of being a hero.

How can a hero save someone that doesn't wanna be saved....

You and Hitoshi press forehead's and stare at one other but then...you look at Hitoshi but his face begin so switch between blurry and not until everything is completely blurry in your left eye.

"S-shinsou..."

He sniffs and rubs his nose, " Yeah y/n".

"I....I can't see"....

♡♡♡♡♡♡♡💔💔

Y/n has lost her 2nd life as another day draws near. Jow can Shinsou save the unsaveable? Will y/n ever confess in time and end her suffering.....will y/n's eye sight be the only thing she loses?.... 9 days won't be enough

[bowtied-pasta]

I know you would have prefered anon, so I did it for you! 🤗

I went back and forth with @creepy-bi-day about this exact thing because I am a simp for this dude, so I will be partially using an idea that we talked about together.

Noah panics as he makes another god awful loop on the boardwalk from hell and is faced with the Observer standing there, about 20 feet away.

He waves and begins slowly walking toward him, an unnerving smile on his face as he begins to laugh.

Noah startles and starts to move backward, not taking his eyes off of the creep as he gets ready to bolt, until the being drops. Fainting and hitting the boardwalk as the world around them seems to waiver, like the heat you can see coming off of a surface in summer.

His head starts to hurt the longer he continues to stare at it, and he has to shut his eyes, his body feeling out of place and unwelcome as the world around him gave way.

Until it stopped, and he cracked open an eye to see that the world looked normal. He was out.

He laughed as he couldnt believe his eyes. Walking forward as he heads toward the parking lot where he’d hopefully still find his car, until he realizes that the Observer was still laying on the boardwalk infront of him.

He freezes, waiting for movement, and flinches as the being groans. Working to make his way up into a sitting position. Looking around at his surroundings and freezing once his eyes land on him.

“Uh..... Hi. Would you mind telling me who I am?” He says, and his head tilts a bit to the side, confusion apparent and eyes wide.

Noah fumbles. What the fuck do you mean you dont know who you are? Theres no way this could be.... theres no way he has one.

He laughs as he stumbles away from you, shaking his head in disbelief at the luck he had. The Observers soulmate, that bastards soulmate, right here in front of him. And they had no idea what was going on. How perfect could this be?

The person infront of him stood slowly, taking a cautious step toward him. “Are you okay?”

Noah recovers quickly, knowing he would miss his chance if he didnt pull himself together and do what he needed to do. “Ahaha.... yeah. Im good. Its just... weve both been waiting for this kind of thing to happen. Just didnt expect it now. Gave me a heart attack when... Kevin.... dropped like that. Thought I was gonna have to call 911 or something.”

The stranger infront of him seems to accept this as truth, good. He can get them to trust him faster if they were gullible. Better to keep them out of the loop. That way, he can find the location of a possibly depowered Observer, and take advantage of his vulnerable form.

This is, of course, assuming the Observers powers were bound to his chosen form. Its the best shot hes had all this time and he’d be damned if he didnt take it though.

“Alright... and you said his name is Kevin? Good to know. Well, we can head to mine so we can go back to our own bodies. Or, if thats inconvienient for you, we can just wait wherever this is-“

“No,” he cuts them off. Setting his horribly thought out plan into motion. “We can head to yours. Faster that way. He always had a horrible sense of time and direction.”

They give a small nod, taking the information easily, not having any reason not to trust the man infront of them. “Cool. We can head that way whenever. I’m... not really sure where we are, but I know my address. Of course. So I can just enter it in the gps and we can go off of that.”

“Sounds good. Just gotta stop by my place for a few things and we can go.” He says as he moves in the direction of his car once more, moving a bit faster than normal.

You sigh, the form of your soulmate an odd thing to experience first-hand. Nothing could have really prepaired you for what waking up in another persons body would entail, but you were just glad you would be able to get back to your own body soon. That is, if your soulmates friend, Noah, would hurry up and get out of his house.

You were shocked when he finally did, revealing he had cleaned himself up and was carrying a bag. Locking up his house and looking around multiple times before getting back in the car.

“Was getting worried for a second there, thought I would have to come get you.” You laugh a bit, trying to lighten his mood as he appeared to be anxious for one reason or another.

He was silent as he put his bag next to him on the floor of the drivers seat. An odd place to put it, and it was probably uncomfortable, but who were you to judge.

He pauses to look over at you, seeming to contemplate his answer before starting the car. “Uh.... yeah. Sorry for taking so long, just had to make sure everything was still okay. I actually havent been to my place for awhile. Family stuff.”

You take the information easily, nodding your head to his words as he starts to drive, following the gps commands to turn.

You wake up as the car comes to a complete stop, and being turned off. You gues you had fallen asleep during the drive over and now felt bad for Noah. You look out the windows at your neighborhood, a cloudy night making everything appear dark and ominous, but being familiar with the area you felt nothing but comfort with the view.

“Oh good, we made it to my place. Im sorry I fell aslee-“ you cut yourself off as you turn to look at Noah. Finding a gun pointed directly at your head.

“Get out of the car.”

You freeze as your hand slowly moves toward the handle of your door, unbuckling yourself with your other hand.

You stumble out of the car, mind still on autopilot as you watch Noah get out of the car, walking around it to grab you and position the gun closer to your head.

“Im sorry. Im sure youre a great person, but it has to happen this way.” He says as he forces you to walk toward your front door, waiting for you to unlock it and open it, taking a cautious step inside and closing the door behind him with his foot omce you both make it in.

He backs himself up to the door, grabbing you and keeping you secured to him with one arm while his other hand holds the gun to your head. “Come out you fucker! Its time!”

You wait in silence, tears streaming down your face as you begin processing just exactly what was going on. And you crying become audible as you see your soulmate walk around the corner in your body. Face blank with boredom, as if expecting this occurance and taking it in stride. Like he had planned for this.

“Well, Noah. What exactly do you plan to get out of this? You know I cant be killed.” You hear your voice say, your body taking a step closer and setting Noah off.

Noah whips the gun toward your soulmate, making you unfreeze and grab his arm. Moving it away from your soulmate, and causing Noah to misfire. The bullet going into your wall.

“NO!” And with that, he seems to disappear. His grasp on you having gone loose before he did, and he had seemingly been trying to keep solid contact with you.

“Well. That was interesting. Cant wait to play with him myself, but that will have to do for now.” You turn to look at your soulmate again, feeling odd to look at your own body like this, and feeling confusion and awe.

“I.... what was that? Where did he go? Why did he want you dead? Is your name even Kevin? Who are you really?” Questions just kept spilling out of your mouth, one after the other, until he got tired of it apparently.

He moves toward you, his hand grabbing yours as your faces are brought close together. His free hand under your chin, keeping eye contact with you as he does so. You never thought your eyes could be so pretty to look at, but then again, you had never seen them as a different person before.

“Close your eyes, little one, youre very likely to faint again.” As he says this, he closes the distance and seals your change back with a kiss.

[unifiedabsence]

things currently on my mind:

hello  so  i want to write stuff out ig . you dont have to read it and im leaving names out. the thoughts may be a bit jumbled as im feeling quite a bit. trigger warning for food, death, and sex.  the feeling of instability is getting bigger.  i was doing good for around 2 months. this is just a minor setback and i will bounce back, but this is what im feeling in the moment. 

for one 

my dad’s still in the hospital. im worried sick every fucking moment of the day ,,, i didnt think something like this would ever get to me. but then i remember when my grandfather died and i was a wreck for literal months. crying myself to sleep every night. its not like we were super close... and  our politics were *so different* but that doesnt fucking matter when it comes to life or death and family does it. at least not to me. (three applies to what im about to say) im starting to feel bad about not... moving back to my parents. to like. take care of them.  i dont want my mom to be alone through this. but ... at the same time i cant be around all the misgendering and deadnaming and judgement all the time. its hell and makes my brain rot. 

two

i am so confused about my identity ... i try not to think about it and the idea of no label is feeling more comfortable everyday. im not a girl,,, i dont know what or who i am though. my head hurts just thinking about gender

something sort of related: my sexuality??? im not sure if im bi or not anymore. im confused. people do say sexuality can change throughout your lifetime though...\

three

im moving. again. im moving into a good home, full of acceptance and loving people. i dont want to leave this place though. im comfortable. sometimes you have to be uncomfortable though and thats okay. this will be fine and my brain will be able to accommodate shortly. 

four

im in a constant state of feeling like im about to be replaced since ,, to be completely honest, im not really fun to have around. specifically by one person.  i dont know why i get like this. all i know is this is a toxic trait and i try my best to not let it affect people. 

this is my biggest flaw. 

five

i hate my body. i hate myself. i hate how much i weigh. i feel like a fucking disgusting pig. im working on it though. itll get better. im buying sexy lingerie and im going to start a lewd acc for me. . my name wont be associated . i want to feel like i could appeal to someone. i want to feel handsome and sexy and beautiful .

six

i hurt someone special. this seems to be a theme. things dont work out and thats okay. 

seven

im so fucking unmotivated in school. youd think me being 30k in debt soon would kick my ass in gear but honestly i cant get myself to do jack shit at times. at least my classmates and teachers really keep me motivated when i really   need it. i like the way i cut hair. what i dont like is my lack of social skills. i suck at talking to clients like a normal fucking person, but theres been major improvements in these past months. i hope ill be able to graduate. someday i want my own city condo. getting really good at hair will get me there.; i need to figure out how to keep motivated but i am so socially anxious and dont know how to cope with that in a real healthy way. ive stopped bringing my sketchbook and headphones to school so maybe i wont go to those all the time and ill get my shit done. 

eight

i feel like a normal person sometimes, other times i  go manic. i shut down. i go silent. i cant stop talking. i want to pull my hair out. right now im full of so much energy when i know i should be tired. i could run miles and not feel worn out. theres so much to think about and say and do 

i cant even put into words the things i feel sometimes., 

but dude

im glad youre here for me. and you dont think im  crazy. you dont look at me like im weird or a fool even when i act in certain ways. i know this is vague. 

ok bye

ps i think im going to cut my hair. i look cleaner. 

[sainadazai]

When your crush is angry all the time

Ch. 2

Ch.2

DontCryDontCryDontCry

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Y/n pov

First day at U.A. high. This is actually going to be so sick, think of all the boys and girls and weird quirks. Best of all I get to meet boom boom. Hopefully I don't do that thing where I think about him so much I forget we don't know each other, that would be embarrassing. 

I smile to myself as I approach the tall building with students flooding in and out. A couple of kids seemed to notice how strange I looked, I didn't have the uniform yet because my mother refused to let me have it. She told me I'd have to get it from her during school so she could show her students how dope her kid was. 

Not sure if I should be flattered though. Mom always compliments me like I actually did something to have the power I have. When really all I did was not die. Usually the interaction goes -

"Oh my god, honey you are so fucking cool, look how good you control your quirk, you train so hard!"

"Yea mom, it's crazy how after psychopaths try to breed you at ten years old you learn a thing or two about combat."

Then her face falls into a deadpan to cover her guilt and we move on. Sarcasm is honestly one of my all time favorite coping strategies. Like you can even make it better by not making any facial expression so people's minds are just fully fucked. 

My outfit couldn't feel more out of place right now, but I obviously notice the profuse blushing of boys and girls as I make my way through the halls of U.A. If my bestie was here I'm sure people would be fainting, since she makes a habit of dressing in fishnets and chains. I guess I could wear clothes like that but im tired most of the time. So if I don't have to dress up, I won't. 

However that doesn't mean I still don't look good. Well, at least I think I do...

This morning I was lazy so I just threw on Baggio black jeans, a cropped tee, and a baseball jersey that I got from when I flew with my dad to America. We watched the game together, but I kinda zoned out the whole time. Of Course I added a couple chains just in case I get to be on top of somebody. Hehe call that ✨funcional fashion✨

Dw of course I took a picture in the morning to post on insta and brag to my old friends about how I got out of that hell. 

I rushed in a door that said 1-b just before I heard a bell go off. The door shut behind me with a loud thud the second the bell stopped. That is one way to get attention, I guess. I didn't even care to take in the faces of the students in front of me. After all, I was only here for one reason. I skimmed the room trying to find that ominous glare, but to no avail. My first thought was that maybe he wasn't in class today. That was before I peeked out the window of the door and realized there were more than one hero classes here. 

If he is in the other class, I'll just have to be in there too. Is this stalking? Yes. Will it end badly? Probably yes. However, do I have anything to really lose? Nope. Not a single thing.

"Katsuki Bakugou." I figured I'd say it out loud with a Stern face, just to see if the teacher would be intimidated enough to take me to him. 

The teacher and the rest of the class visibly tensed at my stare, but apparently I wasn't intimidating enough. 

"Whatever business you have can be settled after class. Now, students, this is the newest addition to class 1-b y/n l/n."

"No."

"Pardos me Ms. L/n"

"I said no, im not gonna be an addition to your dumb class" I mocked him 

He then sent me a very odd face, in which he pursed his lips but simultaneously glanced at his students in fear. I suppose they might not be pleased at my rejection, but that's irrelevant. I'm not here for them. 

"Oh, so you think you're too good for us!? Huh?"

"Yes."

"Class 1-a scum can have you, you vial worthless, dumb, fat, stup-"

Some angry blonde kid was interrupted by an aggressive bonk on his head. I glanced to his side and made eye contact with a girl, she was quite pretty, but not prettier than boom boom. 

"Cool, okay so i'm gonna go to the other class then....sir?"

"Pft, you wish. Sit down. Now."

"I literally didn't ask dude...sir."

"Adding sir doesn't make what you're saying any less disrespectful, now sit down."

I pouted a bit in realization that he wasn't as dense as the police usually are. However that didnt mean I wanted to listen. Plus if I got in trouble, that might be even more fun. 

"Again. No." 

Suddenly I felt a hard push on my back, I fell to the floor and felt a foot pushed against my back. 

"Nooo.Mom, please. Not right now."

"I came here to teach historia you brat."

She took her other leg and swung it back, leaving all her body weight on my back. Then launched it forward to meet with my side just as she took her top foot off my back. I felt the contact of her boot on my bare side and felt the tingle of what I assume is pain rattle through my left side, to my right. Only to be cut off when a new sore of pain spread through my back. 

That was what I assumed was my body slamming against the front wall of the class. I kept my eyes clenched shut the whole time, only flinching the impact of the wall. I bounced right off and landed on the floor. 

"Yea...okay," I said between groans. 

*timeskip*

Lunch 

Midoriya pov 😗

It was finally lunch time after miss midnight taught us history. It wasn't my favorite subject, but I still look at pretty good notes. I'll be sure to read over them later in case we have a pop quiz or something. 

This lunch period is kinda more exciting than usual because I heard rumors that there is a new hero course student, and new additions don't happen often, so he is probably really good. 

After getting my food from lunch rush, I rushed over to my table where me, uraraka, iida, and todoroki sit everyday.

I plopped the food down onto the table and followed by sitting down and saying hi to my friends. It didn't take that long into their strange conversation about water volcanoes and cheese for me to zone them out in search of the new face. 

I don't really know everyone at U.A. that would be crazy. Still, I feel like I have enough knowledge to spot an obviously new face. Plus he is probably with the 1-b students right now. I scan over the whole lunch room, eager to say hi, but I don't see any new guys, or any new faces at all. 

Maybe the rumors were just rumors. That's really a bummed, I was hoping I could get yet another cool quirk to write about in my journal. 

Most of lunch was spent with my friends talking about weird things called memes (he calls them me me's) and me trying desperately to find the new guy. 

Until lunch was just about to end and in came a girl out of uniform, but she seemed to hold one in her hand. She looked fairly (tall/short) and had pretty (h/l) white hair. It seemed almost to glow as she walked in. To me the whole scene played slow motion, her hair bouncing up and down as she walked and the sports baggy jeans risking and falling. They teasingly revealed her belly button every other step as they lifted and sunk. 

I sorta wished she would have just put her uniform on because I feel pretty stupid for staring at her belly button. 

Her face was pretty too, catching the light above on her cheek bones(im sorry if u dont have prominent ones, just take out bones and leave it as cheeks) making her seem shiny.

I felt my face heat up uncontrollably before I felt a nudge on my thigh. 

"Hey deku, I heard that the new girl is actually a midnight daughter. She is in class b, and I guess this morning midnight kicked her against a wall." Uraraka whispered in my ear, loud enough for just the people at our table to hear.

Now that I think about it, everyone was whispering. 

"Midnight's daughter. Wahhh! Then she must have a quirk like midnights. If she does then it'll be hard for our classes to keep up with her. Midnights quirk is strong and considering the already rising testosterone level in the boys in 1st year, we could all-"

"Shut up you damn nerd"

I cut off my rambling and looked up to make eye contact with kachan. Why is he even over here? Is he here to beat me up? Or to get ochako? 

"Katsuki, that's not nice, plus he is right, what if she can seduce us."

Kachan only furrowed his brows, however me, iida, and even todoroki a little went red with the image in our minds. 

"Izuuukuuu"

"Baby, why do you keep looking at my belly button"

"Do you wanna show me how cool your quirk is"

"Nn Gg plus u-ultra"

Oh no. No. No. No. No. Well....wait. no. 

I took a quick glance back at the girl who had halted her movements. She seemed like she was frozen and had a big, wide smile plastered on her face. It was pretty cute. Like a little kid looking at candy. 

It almost felt like she was looking at me, but I didn't wanna wave, in case she wasn't. 

"Oh my, holy fuck, I knew this would pay off!!!!" She yelled, not even minding that the whole cafeteria now had eyes on her. 

She began running over to ...my table? Again it was slow motion, and again I kept looking at her stomach. I guess I don't see girls in short shirts often. I felt myself un-blush forcibly just for, you know, protection from bullies. 

"Boom boom, shit, I Promised I wouldn't do that. Fuck it. Hi, im l/n y/n and you are boom boom. Wait...."

"WHO THE HELL ARE YOU CALLING POOP YOU FUCKING EXTRA!"

My eyes can't pick who to look at and they keep going back and forth between the girl and kachan as they ....communicate. 

"No I called you boom boom." She dead panned 

"THE FUCK, YOU THINK YOUR CLEVER ON SUM SHIT?"

"Well, I am, and I do." Again the girl seemed completely serious. 

"WHO THE-"

"Wait, let's go back. You call people extras? Like in a movie, so then you think your the star."

"I AM THE FUCKING STAR YOU WORTHLESS PIECE O-"

"Babe, that's so much better! You're conceited too." She gushed 

"WHO THE HELL ARE YOU CALLING BA-" bakugou almost launched forwards but ochako grabbed his arm to pull him back. 

"You are kinda loud, but I guess that makes sense. Hey! I know, tell me something about yourself"

"STOP FUCKING INTERUPTING ME!"

"Oh, my bad hon, go on." She looked up at him like...oh. He is the candy she was looking at. 

"Fucking hell, im not your babe or your hun, extra. I'm not telling you shit about myself. Fuck you think this is, the sharing circle?"

The girl didn't speak for a minute, her face was quick to go from anticipating, to confused. What was she confused about? 

"I have a new idea" she instantly had a change of aura and her serious face remained, with one eyebrow cocked. 

She lifted her hand and pointed a finger at bakugou, then slowly walked forward. 

"How. About. You. Tell me what you are sharing..." she winked "circle is." 

I noticed that Ochaco , who was now a coward behind the kachan , flushed red. I don't think she was for the same reason as everyone else though. I could tell she was trying to be angry, but seemed to be failing. Bakugou seemed to notice this too.

I wonder why this girl is flirting with him right now, and what was with that nickname. 

"H-hey. Um do you two know each other or something."

"No" they replied simultaneously. 

"I-um..huh?"

"Oh, right, my bad. Hi, I already introduced my name, but I should explain. You are the attractive fire quirk boy I saw at the sports festival. When I saw how angry you looked, and the fucking DOPE aura you gave off, I begged to get transfered here. Got in on recomendaciones so I could meet you." She said not seeming to care about how truly creep that all sounds. 

"THE FUCK, YOU STALKER!ILL KILL YOU!" kachan screamed, subtly grabbing onto his girlfriend's hand, I suppose an effort to comfort her without being 'nice' 

"Hm? Oh...yeah. Well, you could say I am like a stalker. However, for a stalker i'm very pretty, so if you could just ignore that..."

"YOU AREN'T PRETTY BRAT, GO SUCK A DICK AND GET OUT OF HERE!"

"Well, that is what I came to you for..." she, again, had a serious aura change and a cocked eyebrow, this time retracting her finger to put her hands in her pockets. 

"I HAVE A GIRLFRIEND YOU SLUT" 

"Woah, woah, hey, calm down"

I get that he is trying to be protective, but calling a girl a slut is never okay. I wish I could fight back more, but it's not every hero- like to do so without talking first. 

"SHUT UP NERD" 

After that small exchange everybody's attention fell back to the girl. I think her name was y/n. She looked a bit defeated, I could tell she had a crush on kachan, even if it was small. Her face is blank but usually in situations like this girls get all...tears eyed and. Oh no. 

I stood up right next to her. 

"Dontcrydontcrydontcrydontcry"

"Huh?" She looked over at me confused. 

"Dont cry?"

"Why would I cry?"

"Because he has a girlfriend" Ochaco  seemed to be making her way out from behind kachan, also a bit nervous for if y/n was to get sad. 

"Oh, uhm, I guess i'll just have to be the better person for him or something?" She ...asked herself.

"I've never done this before, but the look in your eyes has a fire behind it, and I wanna see it up close. I'm not gonna give up, we only spoke this once and that's definitely not enough." She made eye contact with him the whole time. Even stated her words like fact. Now, it may have just been me, but he almost smirked. 

"That's all, see you in class later!" In class? She is in 1-b? Did she transfer? 

Ochaco  was now side by side with bakugou looking furious at the new girl. While I eerily peeked up at him and his scary red eyes. They did a quick, up and down movement...I don't think anyone else could have seen it, but I did. Then he went down again and stayed there a bit, he was looking straight past me, so I turned. 

There I saw...the new girls butt! He? He checked out her- oh no. Why do I feel like this is the start of something terrible for me....

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Hello new readers, it is me...the autor. Anyone who is ready for this is my favorite bc I don't get many ready. Also sorry for the horny midoriya, if I'm making the characters not innocent, he isnt an exception lmao. 

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[pussy-gore-whore]

So it took me forever to realize and get out of this really toxic relationship and I did it! I finally did it, its been a year now since I’ve gotten out of that relationship. When i got out of it I was so excited that I could finally breathe and start over. BUT LET ME TELL YOU. Its been fucking crazy man. Right after I got out of the relationship my car got totaled. Her name was Morticia and I loved her. I was making very expensive payments on this beauty. She got totaled because my tire decided to rebel and FLEW OFF as I was DRIVING. Luckily, I had just gotten off the freeway so no one was hurt, I’m very thankful for that THEN my insurance disappeared. They stopped answering my phone calls and my banks calls. So my car never got payed off, which really sucks because I was always great with my payments, always on time and always more than the minimum  After this I decided to make that important decision to leave the job I love and go to school for something I love very much. And I did it, even though I terrified. But i ended up being really great at it, never got less than an A on every test and everything I turned in. But on April 1st, yes APRIL FOOLS DAY my school got shut down xD and the only school that holds the same program is 4 hours away from where I live (i still dont have a car) Then I made plans to move to another state with someone I thought was a good friend and start over. Which I am so dying to do. But it turned out my “good friend” was only helping me because he thought I would date him when I got out there, even though before I said yes to moving out there I made it very clear to him that I only wanted to be just friends and we had an amazing night talking about how great our friendship was. After I lost my car and some other things happened, I feel into this weird state of mind, for a month I didn’t say anything, I didn’t talk to anyone. I was like a zombie I just got up did what i had to do then went back to sleep.  Then after moving out of state didn’t work out, it happened again. I was zombified for about a month again. Its just so weird because I’m 21 now and that has never happened to me. I’ve never just completely shut down, and then I do it twice in one year? Just because things didn’t work out? This pass year has been so wavy man. Like nothings been stable, nothing has held down. Everything was temporary. Its just so fucking lonely dude all the time. So much has happened but nothing to show for.  But on the brightside, I have two jobs now and saving up for a car and starting, really trying to build friendships and strengthen them.  And I’m pushing myself to not fall back down, not again. I guess the owners of the shop im working at are selling it, but they said that we would all still have our jobs. But if for some reason that doesn’t work out, I’m not gonna fall back down. I’ll just find another job, I’ll be okay. I’ll figure it out, I always figure it out. I got this! 

[blatherkatt]

Title: The Calm Is Terrifying When The Storm Is All You Know [Homestuck]

Intermission 1 

Summary: There were two kinds of trolls who went to Earth: rich shitheads with too much money and free time, and desperate assholes who couldn’t survive on Alternia, even with the best efforts of the young Condesce. Karkat hated the planet almost immediately, but with his home planet too dangerous for mutants, he really didn’t have any choice but to hide out on this weird little diurnal planet. At least he’d be safe. Or so he thought, right before blundering his way into an accidental friendship with the son of an anti-troll terrorist.

Rating: M

Chapter Warnings: Mentioned/implied abuse; Pesterlogs, No seriously this entire chapter is just logs, swear the next chapters at least a third finished but in the meantime this bit got way out of hand so here 

FIRST | PREVIOUS | NEXT

— excerpt of chatlog from group chat “assholes anonymous” 6/13/2015 —

GG: And I’m afraid that’s all Roxy and I know. She got a call from Terezi yesterday saying that she would need to wait a few days before coming down to visit again.

GT: Holy toledo! Christ on a cracker i really picked a bad time to study abroad didnt i. So much happened while i was gone!

— timaeusTestified [TT] is online! —

GT: I feel like a right fool for not checking my messages from anyone while i was away but i was just so overwhelmed by how many there were and so tired out from being in another country and all.

GT: Oh!

TG: DIRK

TG: motherfucker tell me whats goin on!!!!

GG: There you are! Is everything alright?

TT: Yeah, yeah, everything’s fine, give me a minute.

TT: Well. No. That’s wrong.

TT: Everything’s pretty much gone to shit, but everyone’s alive, somehow, and for the time being things have cooled the fuck off.

TG: aaaaaah now im even more scared what happened?!!

GT: Er its good to be back but the girls have been filling me in on whats played out in my absence and im afraid im on roxys side here what in the devilfucking dickens is going on exactly?

GG: Thirded!

TT: I take it you didn’t get around to reading the messages I sent you then, Jake?

TT: Which is fine. I kind of figured. Whatever.

TT: Short version: There was an attempt to reclaim Dave by some of the old man’s lackeys.

TT: An attempt which Dave knew about well in advance.

TG: oh shit

TG: oh shit dave nooooo D:

GG: Oh, goodness.

TT: I caught him having a panic attack in the kitchen, during the middle of the night on the twelfth. He managed to tell me essentially that we had four hours to prepare, and then we’d be under attack.

TT: He was planning on going with the quietly, apparently, but changed his mind at the last minute, I guess.

TT: Don’t get me wrong, I’m glad he told us, but…Ugh.

TT: It seemed like he was starting to get a little better, finally, and then this huge fucking setback hits.

TT: It’s frustrating.

GT: I’ll say it is! Gosh dirk im so sorry i missed so much of the leadup to this.

GT: Getting the poor boy back after ten years only for him to be such a mess and to finally get somewhere only to lose so much progress…

TG: aaaaaaaugh

TG: i mean is it really a setback though? he still told you!

TG: ive been having the hardest time getting him to talk about anything that happened to him and i think he n i get on pretty well

TG: he still chose to stay with us!

TT: Yeah, and it only took him two fucking months to do so. I don’t even know if he made that choice because he actually wants to be here.

TT: It’s more like he just decided we’re the lesser of two evils.

GG: Well, that’s better than nothing, right?

TT: Ha.

TT: Sure, I guess. Pardon me if I’m not thrilled, though.

TG: diiiiiirk

TG: dirk chill out a little like i get it but seriously!

TG: trust me dave doesnt want to be mean to anybody

TT: Of course he doesn’t.

TT: I’m not mad at Dave at all, don’t get me wrong.

TT: This is my fault.

GT: Now wait just a moment there strider!

GG: How on Earth is any of this your fault? It sounds to me like you made the best of a bad situation! Dave’s the only one who knew about this!

TT: It all goes back to that first meeting at the police station.

TT: I set the precedent. Made everything a him-versus-us, with Karkat his only ally.

TT: He doesn’t trust us because I somehow said exactly the wrong thing to him back in that interrogation room.

TG: im sure thats not it

TG: dirk hes not one to hold a grudge like you and rose are theres gotta be another reason

TT: I’d be happy to hear it, then, because I’m fucking clueless.

TT: Of all the problems I’ve tried to solve, my own fucking brother is proving the most enigmatic.

TT: He’s the fucking labyrinth at Crete, and I don’t have nearly enough fucking yarn to get through this.

TT: And apparently I’m a fucking outlier in that respect. Roxy’s figured Dave out, the fucking aliens get along with him fine, and apparently even Rose made up with him while my back was turned, because he’s been following her around all day, even though she ripped into him yesterday over Kanaya.

TT: Who, by the way, is a fucking vampire now. I feel like I’m losing brain cells just writing that, but there it is.

TT: I’m sharing the house with a literal alien vampire. I’m officially one of the side characters in my aunt’s trashy books.

TG: dirk dude im telling you dave isnt as complicated as you keep making him out to be!

TG: hes not a puzzle that needs to be solved hes just a scared kid!

TT: Why is he still scared, then? Why?

TT: I believe you, but how do I make him be not scared?

TT: Why the fuck can’t I understand my own brother!

— timaeusTestified [TT] is offline —

GG: Oh no.

GT: Jesus jumping jehosaphat!

— timaeusTestified [TT] is online —

TT: Sorry.

TT: Got a little too worked up, hit my desk hard enough that something came unplugged.

TG: dirk

TG: dirk.

TG: holy shit.

TT: I’m, uh, also sorry that I actually hit enter on those last few posts. That was kind of shitty. I’ll get a lid on it.

GT: You gave us all quite a fright there!

GG: I’ll say.

GG: You shouldn’t feel bad, though! I for one am glad you were honest!

GG: Maybe we can all figure out something! If Rose got things sorted out after the rocky start you mentioned, then I’m sure you can, too!

TG: have you tried talkin to him yet

TT: Oh, yeah, because talking to him went so well last time.

TT: Look, I appreciate the advice. But at this point,

TT: I’m pretty much prepared to just accept that he wants nothing to do with me.

TT: Can’t really blame him. I look like the old man. Probably set off enough bad memories that I’m just going to scare him worse.

TT: I’ll just stay out of his way as best I can.

TG: dirk that is literally the exact opposite of what you should be doing

GT: Well i dont know roxy it might work out better that way.

GT: Give the lad his space and let him settle in on his own time!

GT: Let the air clear a bit before trying anything you know?

TG: jake trust me dave needs a lot of really explicit verbal reassurance

TG: he is the scaredest fucking kid you can imagine okay

TG: he apologizes for things that arent even things that should be apologized for

TG: and says hes sorry again even after you tell him hes done nothing wrong just to be extra sure

TG: and he wont do anything unless you specifically tell him hes allowed

TG: and even then hes super cautious about it

GG: Gosh…

TT: Exactly.

TT: If he’s that scared, me forcing him into a conversation is only going to make things worse. It’s not going to be a productive talk if he’s completely shut down.

TT: I’ll figure it out, alright? Just.

TT: I need to rethink things, maybe. Slow down a little.

TT: It’s just a setback. We’ll recover.

TG: uuuuugh

TG: this whole things such a mess :(

TG: let me know when im allowed to come over and hug on him again will you?

TT: Sure thing.

TG: hug him yourself in the meantime!

TT: Probably not a great idea, Rox.

TG: >:(

— excerpt of chatlog from group chat “who you gonna call” 6/13/2015 —

EB: geez. thats pretty crazy.

EB: i cant believe dave would put you guys all in danger like that.

GG: im sure he didnt mean to!

TT: I agree, actually, Jade.

GG: :0 !!!

EB: really?

TT: I spoke to Dave after all the carnage ended, and I’ve come to realize that I’ve been completely misinterpreting his behavior.

TT: I’ve been viewing everything he does through the lens of my own behavior and Dirk’s, and assuming that everything he did which irritated me was done out of some form of antagonism.

TT: Yesterday, I learned exactly how far off I’ve been, and I’d like to apologize for sharing that mistaken impression with you two.

TT: The problem hasn’t been that Dave is holding some petty grudge. It’s that he’s been scared.

GG: :(

GG: :( :( :(

EB: scared? dave?

TT: Terrified, even.

TT: He was literally so frightened when I confronted him that he could barely move.

GG: oh no! rose!

TT: I apologized, I promise, and I’ve been trying to reign myself in around him now that I know there is fear at foot.

TT: I’m a little horrified myself, frankly, at how bad things must be for him.

EB: but if hes so scared why didn’t he just tell you guys sooner?

TT: He’s scared both ways, essentially. Terrified of what we’ll do to him if he breaks some rule here, terrified of what our father will do to him.

TT: I had expected trauma from the beginning, but when it didn’t present in the ways I expected, I assumed he was just fine.

TT: But this is…

TT: It’s as if his fear responses, even his fight or flight reflex, are just…broken.

TT: Like I said, when I confronted him, his eyes were huge and terrified, but he made no move to defend himself, nor did he try to escape. He just…braced himself. Readying himself for a blow that I had no intention of ever delivering, but which he dreaded more with every second it didn’t come.

TT: Ever since, I’ve been paying attention to his body language, since it’s so hard to read his expressions when he’s got those sunglasses on, and I’ve noticed so many times where he tenses up, so suddenly and to such an extreme that I’m surprised it doesn’t physically hurt him.

TT: And it’s not just for legitimate potential threats, like someone looking angry. He does it for the slightest sounds, for random movements, sometimes seemingly for no reason at all.

TT: Hes like some feral animal, constantly thinking he’s going to be hunted, and yet, he can’t run. He just sits there and waits for the blow to land, hoping that if he simply takes whatever punishment is thrown on him, it will end sooner.

TT: And all I can think is just…

TT: What kind of hell has he been through for these past ten years that he reacts to things as simple as a creaking floorboard or a waving hand makes him think he’s going to be attacked?

TT: What did that son of a bitch do to my brother?

EB: jesus.

GG: D:

EB: i always knew that things were bad for dave but i didnt think it was any where near that bad!

GG: hes not in too much trouble is he??

TT: Not at all.

TT: Terezi let him off with a warning, and there’s not much else we can do to him, besides. He’s already under house arrest.

TT: He knows what he did wrong.

GG: thats good! i wonder why he waited so long to tell the truth though?

TT: I’m pretty sure at this point that he was never intending on telling us.

EB: what! why not!

TT: I don’t think he believes he has a choice. He did tell Dirk what happened while having a panic attack, after all. I suspect it may have been something similar to the sort of terror that strikes when you realize it’s the end of a vacation period from school, and you’re not ready to go back yet.

TT: Except, you know, way worse, on account of it being abuse at the hands of a literal terrorist he would have to return to.

TT: He said something that stuck with me, when I asked, and he seemed very genuinely sad when he said it.

TT: “It doesn’t matter what I want. He’s going to come back for me again.”

TT: He’s so resigned to a fate that he is not actually doomed to.

EB: wow :(

TT: But on the bright side,

TT: I think he’s starting to realize that we really aren’t going to hurt him.

GG: yeah?

TT: He’s been following me around like a lost puppy all day. He jumps whenever I move too quickly, but he’s actually here in the room with Kanaya and I right now. The two of them have been chatting on and off for a while.

TT: I suspect it may be just that he hasn’t worked up the courage to talk to Karkat yet, but even so, he seems like he’s testing a boundary.

TT: Pushing to see if I really am no longer angry with him. It’s certainly a welcome change from his usual habit of hiding in his own bedroom.

GG: oh gosh!! can you tell him i said hi?

EB: holy shit hes right with you? get him online!

TT: John, he’s not allowed to use a computer, remember?

EB: fuck!

EB: tell him i said hi too, then!

GG: looool

TT: Done.

TT: He lit up a little, and mumbled a “Hi” right back.

GG: :D

EB: lol, dork.

TT: He says “This coming from John ‘unironically likes Nick fucking Cage’ Egderp.”

EB: >:B !!!!

— golgothasTerror [GT] began pestering timaeusTestified [TT] —

GT: Hey, um.

GT: I know this is probably not something you really want to hear just now, but i really do want to apologize.

GT: I just got so distracted and worn out while abroad, and you always send so damned many messages, i didnt have the energy to read them all.

TT: It’s fine.

GT: No it isnt! Dirk i know how hugely important getting dave home has been to you ive known for ages!

GT: And whatever tumultuous relationship status we may currently be sharing youre still my best bro and i feel like a right horse’s arse for not being here for you during such a rollercoaster of a rough time!

TT: It’s alright, really. I appreciate the sentiment, but it’s wholly unnecessary.

GT: I promise ill at least try and check my messages more and keep more up to date on the situation.

GT: Let me know if theres any way i can help alright?

TT: Sure.

TT: Welcome home, by the way. It’s nice to talk to you again.

GT: Likewise!

— twinArmageddons [TA] began trolling grimAuxilitrix [GA] —

TA: TZ told me two me22age you, and by that ii mean 2he woke me up wiith a text 2aying ‘talk two kanaya a2ap a22hole 2hit2 gone down’.

TA: 2o what exactly ii2 goiing on.

GA: Um

GA: Well Im A Rainbow Drinker Now

TA: oh.

TA: you know what actually fuck thii2 iim goiing back two 2leep.

— twinArmageddons [TA] ceased trolling grimAuxilitrix [GA] —

[monbabi]

beautiful in la fanacc!!

• waited in line for 9 mcfreakin hours it was so hot we all bonded over kpop and the wait and wanting to die • at 7pm we went thru security and stood in the pit!!!!!!!!!! very tight but it was fine we were jus chillin • there was a technical problem so the start of the concert was delayed for like 30 more min • thEN THE LIGHTS DIMMED AND THE VCR TURNED ON AND WE WERE LIKE SHAHSKDOSHAGSV • AND MONSTA X CAME OUT IN ALL THEIR BEAUTY AND WE WERE ALL SCREECHING • they got into their positions and performed beautiful it was one of thr most beautiful fucking performances i have ever watched i almost cried • then they went straight into incomparable WHICH WAS FUCKING AMAZING KIHYUN KEPT COMING UP TO THE FRONT AND I WAS LIKE BACK WHERE U CAME FROM DEMON!! I LOVE U SO FUCKING MUCH • i realize now i shouldnt talk abt every single performance bc tht would take way too long • THE SOLO STAGES WERE SO GOOD SEEING HYUNGWON PERFORM FROM ZERO WITH WONHO!!!!!!! GOOD SHIT!!!!!! • and 24k was so…….séxie like it was fun and everyone sang along but their hips are SIN!!!!!!!!! ESPECIALLY MINHYUK!!!!!!! • SHOWNU LIKE DID A SPLIT OR SMTH I DIDNT SEE IT COMPLETELY BUT I SAW HIM DROP AND I WAS LIKE HOLY SHIT?? • mirror was absolutely beautiful and it was such an emotional stage i almost cried kihyun and jooheon did amazing • can i jus say tht minhyuk is absolutely stunningly handsome like im a complete slut for kihyun but my eyes kept wandering to minhyuk bc hes so goddamn beautiful • yall theyre so good live like. ofc theres backtrack but u could hear them so clearly and they were so stable i almost cried • AH all of them did aegyo except changkyun who sang nothing on you by b.o.b and everyone sang along it was fun • omg in the first ment minhyuk was like “im gonna do smth ive been wanting to do in la…….im gonna say hows the weather outside and u say its sunny” and we were like jesus christ okay so he was like HOWS THE WEATHER OUTSIDE and we were like ITS SUNNY!!!!!!! • wonho talking abt how he was in such a good mood bc hyungwon was there w them and he kept making funny faces @ them before the stage • AND IDK I FELT LIKE JOOHEON SMILED A LOT DURING THIS CONCERT LIKE HE WAS ALWAYS SMILING WHILE DANCING AND IT WAS SO CUTE • SO WAS SHOWNU HE KEPT SMILING WHEN HE DANCED IN THE FRONT IT WAS SO NDHSUSDJHSHA • hyungwon seemed kinda tired i jus wanted to scoop him up into my arms and rock him to sleep he didnt talk thaaaaat much but he did whisper amongst the members and laugh like the snarky ass he is • kihyun kept talking to the 2nd floor which was so sweet !!!!!! ahhhhhh!!! im glad they werent left out of anything • oh my god at one point hyungwon like choked on his water it gave me a heart attack • during changkyuns part in 하얀소녀 he started like. swaying his hips and minhyuk kneeled down next to him and started flapping his jacket and wonho joined in it was wild • changkihyuk were hypin up jooheon like “hm ex girl and 하얀소녀 are really good songs……bc U MADE THEM!!!!!!” and jooheon got all shy and squat down in a corner then he stood up and was like “YEA I MADE THOSE SONGS” • wonho kept mouthing along with the translator it was so cute and funny um king of bilingualism? • they kept telling us to “Stop, Calm Down” bc we’re los angeles and we dont shut up ever it was so funny • jooheon said la has a funky way of grooving to the rhythm but out of all the other us concerts we do it the best LOL • wonho: takes off jacket • jooheon: EVERYBODY MAKE SOME NOISE FOR HIS MUSCLES • wonho: turns around and flexes • they were throwing out candy during white sugar but i didnt catch any bc short arms dnhshansbd and they didnt really throw to the front middle pit kihyun kissed one and threw it out i hope tht person who caught it treasures it forever • I WAS MAKING SEVERAL DIFFERENT HEARTS @ KIHYUN USIN MY ARMS AND FINGERS AND SHIT AND HE GAVE FINGER HEARTS AND THREW BIG ARM HEARTS AT ME I ALMOST PASSED THE FUCK OUT • I TURNED AROUND TO SCREAM AT MY FRIEND AND HE WAS LAUGHING AT US AND I CROUCHED DOWN BC I WAS SHY AND DIDNT WANT HIM TO SEE ME SO STUPIDLY EXCITED • i feel like i made a lot of eye contact w shownu and jooheon like idk they couldve been looking at the crowd in general but it felt so personal and directed towards me, the sweaty girl w glasses, a broken lightstick, and a bear phone case so im gonna let my delusional ass believe tht • the hi touch holy fuck the hi touch okay so it was like?? ~20 minutes after the concert ended everyone was chillin in the pit and then monsta mcfreakin x walked out and we all screamed then security lined us up • the order was kihyun, hyungwon, wonho, minhyuk, shownu, jooheon, changkyun * i was praying tht kihyun wouldnt be first so i had time to emotionally prepare but tht didnt work out • so um i. held his hand his grip was pretty firm and i panicked and forgot everything i wanted to say and i was like “marry me” and he laughed and said okay so um BITCH IM ENGAGED TO YOO KIHYUN? his hand was so beautiful okay everyone talks abt kihyuns small ass hands but they were bigger than i imagined and he has some big meaty claws • they were standing on a small platform behind a table so everyone was really tall so high fiving hyungwon was a little hard for my 5'1" body i had to reach for the stars his hand was so bony but it was Large and i said i love u and he smiled i was ready to sink into the ground and lay myself to rest • lets get smth straight wonho is short hes like jus a little taller than kihyun but boy hes Built and he has this cute little smile on his face and his hand was SO SOFT AND SO WARM I WANTED TO CRY i told him i loved him and he said thank u yea haha time to DIE • minhyuk has yaoi hands yall • his hands were so mf gigantic like the hi touch went by fast but holding his hand was so. wow like his hands were really big and warm and i was like i love u!! and he said yea and i laughed jshsgdffjf • SHOWNU IS SO FUCKING BEAUTIFUL IRL PICTURES AND VIDEOS DONT DO HIM JUSTICE??? like he was GLOWING and he has such a large and warm presence and his hands are so warm like i felt like my hand was gonna melt yall i was abt to cry he was smiling so big too and i told him i love him and he jus nodded and said me too snshaudhdfshdhf • jooheons hands were kinda cold but they were so soft and beautiful my legs almost gave out he was so cute and smiley and soft and our fingers tangled weirdly and i was like SORRY and he laughed a bit BUT OHM NYOGD I INTERLOCKED FINGERS WITH LEE JOOHEON AND IT WAS AMAZING • changkyun was last and they were starting to rush the line so i could only high five him and say i loved him :(( he said thank u his voice is really attractive guys and he was such a chill dude i wanna be best friends w him • after the hi touch we were immediately lined up again for the group photo which was a ~15 min wait? • they numbered us off then let us in and immediately ppl are looking for spots in front of them someone took the spot in front of kihyun so i was like okay tell me to die first NDHAHDJFGS but my friend found a spot in front of wonho and minhyuk and i stood next to her in front of minhyuk and shownu • it was so funny my friend stumbled a little in front of minhyuk bc she was walking fast and he was like OH MY GOD OH MY GOD and shownu was laughing • STANDING IN FRONT OF THEM JUS MADE ME REALIZE HOW GORGEOUS THEY ARE LIKE,??,,????? • i turned around to look at minhyuk and shownu and felt a piece of me die and i said hi then turned around covering my face bc i got so fuckin embarrassed theyre so HANDSOME • my friends fave is wonho so she turned around and told him she loved him and held his finger I WAS ABT TO SCREAM • AH as they were putting more ppl in the front and this really tall girl stood in front of me and i was like I Am Five Foot One so as a joke before they took the pic i tippytoed and did peace signs and bunny ears my head just barely peeked over her shoulders and i think shownu and minhyuk and jooheon were laughing behind me i hope they were laughing at me i’ll gladly make a fool of myself for them • luckily the rows after us kneeled down! • after the pic they started shooing everyone off and i yelled KIHYUN I LOVE U GOOD NIGHT i dont think he heard me but oh well • SHOWNU SAID BYE TO ME BEFORE I LEFT AND I SAID BYE BACK I ACTUALLY FELT MY LEGS GIVE A LITTLE and changkyun was waving to everyone hes really cute and calm in person i wish i oculdve talked to him more • we walked out completely dazed like we were jus sitting on a bench outside looking fuckin faded

[serenavonromvesen]

September 21st, 2019.

I really don’t know where else to vent but on tumblr. I have always used tumblr as an outlet for venting and I’m reaching a point where I really just need to write out how I’m feeling, without cramping my hand writing with pen and paper.

I feel really lonely as far as friends go. I have an AMAZING group of friends, but so many of them live far away. I have my tribe and I feel I will always have that, but its never the same as having lady friends, I literally have like three or four ladyfriends that I can actually hang out with in person, and only one of them is someone I didnt meet through my boyfriend first. its not that I have anything I want to share behind him, its that I always feel like on some level they’re always more his friend than mine- and at that, I didn’t choose most of them to be in my life, they were given to me. don’t get me wrong, I’m SO grateful for anyone I do have currently in my life. I just don’t have any friends who truly understand me, and especially not that are into the things that I am. I would love so much to be able to be friends with another tattoo model in my area, and ACTUALLY genuinely have a real friendship. I emphasize ‘genuinely’ because this industry is FULL of backstabbing bitches that would throw you in front of a bus to get one more step ahead of you. I just want a girl I can hang out with all the time SO bad. and the one person here who is awesome, works like ALLLLL the time. it sucks pretty bad when you only have one true friend and they end up getting way too busy for you. she’s supposed to move away anyways she said, so I guess I better get used to it now anyways. I’m just so sad of having no girls to actually hang out with. Skyping with my best friend is great, but it just isnt the same- and a lot of time I do get put aside compared to actually going to hang out with people anyways. which i dont have here.

now, I’m SUPER introverted, nervous, shy, socially awkward AND anxious, and sometimes I have a hard time making normal conversation. in fact, I am always secretly bothered by the fact that I’m PRETTY SURE i have some form of Autism, but I would never actually say that I am being diagnosed, but I am terrified to find out. I once emailed a place to ask some questions and set an appointment, but I never heard back.. that was i think last year. Anyways, I don’t want a ton of friends or anything. I dont want to hang out every day- it’s exhausting. but I still want the option to be able to call someone up in those rare days where I do feel like going outside or seeing people, to actually have fun. I used to have that in New Jersey, my group of girls that I hang with an we all really support each other. I miss them so bad. I am SO homesick for like, the last two years now. I try not to think about it if I can help it, but I miss my friends, I miss my mom.. I hate that I’m missing my baby cousins grow up, I hate that I’ve FINALLY made a connection with some of my cousins and now I’ll rarely ever see them, I hate that I can’t do body suspensions more often, I hate that I don’t get to see my brother Sean when he visits... but most of all I do HATE New Jersey and could never live there. I just wish so bad it hadn’t been like 4-5 years since I’ve seen my friends and family. it hurts. I’m so homesick for just the strong friendships I have.

I just...know its possible. I know its possible to have the small group of friends I want. I just wish girls weren’t so...mean and competitive. I just feel so lonely. I feel like I don’t have anyone to hang out with thats a female. why is everyone so far away? I’m home alone all day every day. you’d think a puppy wouldve made me feel less alone, but really I’m a thousand times more stressed than ever. I wanted to move for a fresh start, to breathe, so enjoy peace...and as soon as I got here everyones over all the time and it just reminds me how I dont have friends of my own, and how my friends dont come to visit me, and how I never get a second to myself. I finally got the chance and heres this puppy. i love him with my life but I AM SO STRESSED!!! I’m with him 10-14 hours a day by myself and then half of the time I’m still the one dealing with him at the crack of dawn, too. I never get time alone unless he sleeps and then I have to walk on eggshells to not wake him up- AND I DIDN’T EVEN FUCKING WANT THIS!!! when I was forced to give up my other pupper, Hades, I said I never wanted a puppy again because IT IS TOO MUCH FOR ME. it puts me on edge and greatly disrupts my bipolar. i literally CANT handle it. I said I would get a dog no younger than 2 years old. I wanted a border coli so bad, maybe even a doberman because I still miss my old dog Max SO MUCH! I like bigger dogs and never really was a big fan of little dogs. I like a dog I can give a whole ass hug to, and feel protected by when I walk alone down a street with him. but no, Michael had to choose, he wanted a puppy, he wanted a small-type pure bred dog which means it’ll be twice as expensive twice as often with vet visits. but he wanted it. he insisted. and now, here we are, just like scooping the litter boxes for all 4 cats, its pretty much almost entirely left on me to do. for so so long I told myself “well he works and I dont really work, I’m home all day and hes not here much to have the time for it.” but you know what I realized? That when I worked full time at Starbucks, or when I worked two jobs at both the Smoke Shoppe AND Spencers, that I still put in the same amount of work as all of this- I was still expected to do all of this. at that, I am SO SICK AND TIRED of him asking me EVERY FUCKING DAY “will you mop today? will you do the laundry? will you do that dogs medicine? will you change the cat boxes?” periodically throughout every morning. like oh, I didn’t realize that I was a fucking 4 year old that needs direction on needing to do basic fucking cleaning tasks!!!!! the only reason I dont get to half that stuff most of the time is that I’m annoyed as fuck at being told what to do / treated that way, and that by the time he leaves for work theres been a whole fucking list of shit lined up that I now feel EXPECTED to do before hes home from work. it literally aggravates me SO MUCH just typing about it because im so fucking pissed off that he does this EVERYMOTHERFUCKINGDAY. it makes me feel angry and completely overwhelmed and then I just spend my entire day dreading it then rushing to do it right before he gets home from work. I just fucking hate it. like I’m fucking 25 years old, I know what the fuck to do to keep the fucking house clean, thanks.

at that, between the no friends, the fucking belittlement of being given a verbal list of chores every day, and the stress from puppy I absolutely did NOT ask for, I am feeling so depressed. I wanted a new house so I could ENJOY it, but instead any moment in my backyard is spent trying to get the puppy to stop eating random crap the people before us left- like glass, I cant enjoy how the inside looks because theres puppy training pads all over the floor which the floor is always dirty because of being in and out of the house with the puppy, or just even a moment of peace at all. like literally this defeated the whole entire purpose of wanting to move. its still a gazillion times better than the trailer, I still totally love this house, but because of my stress and loneliness level, I feel nearly just as depressed as before.

what doesnt help is lately Michael has been SO negative abut things. it’s like when I finally am enjoying myself, he comes through like a wrecking ball being negative, depressing, unsupportive, argumentative, and just plain giving off vibes that make me feel so down. He still makes me feel super happy like 98% of the time, but it is such a downer when hes being super negative about EVERYTHING. or when he gets my hopes up about things and then goes back on his word. he LOVES to tell me yes to shut me up then saying no when it becomes real, a mega part of why I haven’t gotten to visit my family in 4 years. and then he makes me feel SO bad about it. he has no problem bragging to everyone about a vacation, but when its just us suddenly its “I have to do this on my own” and “it’s expensive” like really? thanks for bragging about it for two months, waiting until we have it a month away to tell me its 100% on me to plan it, then complain about everything I tried to plan, WHILE making me feel like a complete and utter loser that I’m a failure at everything I try to do so now I don’t make any money. I literally fucking hate myself again. that’s where I’m at. I’m starting to find my body, my hair, my face- all of it repulsive. I hate how I look. I hate my hair and how my dreads are all lose, but I have to ask him for money to be able to fix my hair. he always tells me just ask and it isnt a problem but then when I do want to do things he makes me wait ages and puts it off or flat out complains- or if it all goes smoothly he throws it in my face the first fight we have. I just feel like such a fucking loser, that’s getting uglier by the day. and when I finally worked up the courage to go to the gym, its like pulling teeth to get him to go- I’ve been asking for a year and we STILL haven’t gone. I want to be a breakdancer SO BAD and I’ll never get to do that if I can’t go to the gym to work out. he tells me to just go but he doesnt understand that being a woman alone in public these days you’re at extreme risk of being raped and 10/10 multiple dudes will trying saying gross things and hitting on you/catcalling. I wish so so so so so bad I could go out for a day and have not a soul talk to me or look at me. what a dream that would be. I just cant go alone. its literally dangerous. scary.

I just feel so STUCK. I want to make money so I can contribute to the house and pay for what I need MYSELF. I never ever liked being someone who fully depends on someone like that. hell, a decade ago I refused to let anyone even get me a simple drink from a convenience store. it still feels uncomfortable to have to be like this. I want to be able to take care of myself. to know that if it was just me that I wouldnt just...be out on the streets. now I’m getting married and its a great relief that thats a less legitimate fear, but I still want to be able to take care of myself so that I could help my babe. he works SO hard for us and spends SO much money taking care of us, I just want to be able to pay my part of that and make HIS life easier, so that we BOTH can do more things that we like instead of just paying bills till the next check. I feel so useless and worthless. but everything I try to do I just fail at, or I’m too depressed and just lose the passion for it. or the will to do nearly anything. I really thought moving was going to change everything for me but... I feel nearly just as depressed. the environment change has definitely helped but, it didn’t suddenly cure my depression like I hoped for..

I just feel so alone, in like, literally everything I try to do. I feel like I don’t fit in anywhere. when I do think I fit in, it just turns out to be a delayed rejection. I swear I get screwed over and stabbed in the back more often than anyone I’ve ever met in my life. I’m easily forgotten and definitely easy to fuck over. I just wish people werent so hateful and selfish... all I want is to have female friends I can actually hang out with, have some help with my puppy, to talk to my fiance without him thinking I’m having an argument, to workout so I can dance, and to do something I love that makes me happy that I can make money with. I feel like I failed as a model too. I make all these plans and then.. I can never accomplish them. I often think, is it worth it really? to compete with all these girls when I dont care about competition? to be screwed over because I’m an opponent to everyone I wish I was friends with? to try and build working-relationships with photographers who seem to forget about me before I even get my pictures back? to not be paid for modeling when I spent tons of money on clothes for shoots? to not have my name out there after a year and a half? to not even be able to find a photographer that wants to shoot for publication? or be told I’m not inked enough to shoot again (the day after I got tattooed?)? I just feel like a failure. I spent over a thousand dollars on clothes for shoots, plus all traveling expenses, to have only ever profited $50 one time and then never get my edited photos back. I just feel like I’m not worth anything, that I can’t contribute or make money without making myself excessively unhappy working jobs I hate- only to be belittled there too.

I don’t even care about social media anymore. I don’t care to check instagram or post on it. why? so I can spend two hours doing makeup so I could post a selfie to write another caption telling everyone that “one day” I’ll do more? what’s the point? If only I had someone I could invite over to talk to about it :( I just feel so...unexcited by everything. like Stan in the episode about shit. I’m bored, I feel gross, I feel lonely, I’m overwhelmingly stressed, I’m growing to hate myself again, and I feel like I don’t have the positive influence I need to get better. I WANT to get better, I just need help and I don’t have anyone I feel I could reach out to that could actually help me. I just really need a friend...

[neuropathicgypsy]

Me: why did i have a dream that i was protecting a baby from my mom and I was so much about it, i woke up kicking my foot and yelling to keep her from going in my room?

Military Dude: you used to have a doll that you would practice protect ing but this particular girl you were protecting her and her mom from being killed by an abusive husband and you didn't trust your mom. She was angry, thought it was someone you wanted as your mom, not realizing you were home from school because you actually were saving people at 8 years old. I know this is particularly hard for you because you keep crying. But they want to meet you. Is that ok?

Me, tears rolling down my cheeks: yes

Military Dude: They dont know what yoive been doing in life. But this is your true success story. She became an advocate for domestic abuse victims and runs a shelter. Her daughter is a doctor. They're both married and had more children. I know you're tired and this may be the break you need. You think so, yes?

Me: i do. Matt needs help, too.

Matt: no im fine

Me: you're not but whatever

Military Dude: your anger at him is what helps you to be clearer on what you need to do, doesn't it?

Me: it makes me not cry. He holds me back a lot and its not healthy.

Military Dude: she knows a lot of tricks to help you with that. You know you defend alot of people with great success. So people dont realize how much help you need to defend yourself. Why is that?

Me: I can't defend myself readily. It does help,me,to see that people are bad and so when i see others being hurt, i know i need to help them because I understand they can't readily defend themselves.

Military Dude: why is the word readily? You don't have the power or ?

Me: no. If im not on the receiving end of help then how can,i really know i make a difference?

Military Dude: except they thank you.

Me: i have been defending myself a lot but its become a game to some

Military Dude: like don Schumacher and your mom

Me: i don't play that way. They know the truth and they cover it with poop but under the shit the truth peeks out

Military Dude: like a bone on the west mesa due to a series of events like a housing crunch and,a flood. And that's what you need, quite literally.

Me: im in a housing crunch. My mortgage hasn't been paid in 21 months and im at my parents.

Military Dude: yeah i hear you

Me: think my tears count as a flood?

Military Dude: and your anger. Im not going to get you out of there, that's not my job. Im just to see if you're viable to use a resource to seek comfort.

Black girl: yeah i know she is!

Me: how long do i have to wait?

Military Dude: IDK yet. But yesterday after you were crying in the car because your shoulder and neck hurt and you still can't work and do normal things and you're tired of your mom bullying you and pretending to be you and destroying everything she can, like its a game and asking for help. We decided to analyze your situation a little better because we aren't getting you.

Me: I'm quite simple, actually. Its others that are complicating.

Military Dude: we are from the DOJ so we will see what we can do, including dealing with your mom. Your dad sent her to the commissary and you said she would just look for guys to fuck and i assure you that she is. However i am not dealing with that. Its her ego that is in check but its not working. Why is that?

Me: thats all she is

Military Dude: evil ego. Nothing else?

Me: nope. She uses what she's punished with to punish others. She doesn't even understand the concept of why

Military Dude: shes just control. Is her evil encouraged?

Me: she encourages people to be evil. Like its the opposite of defense yet the same

Military Dude: so she's twisted it.

Me: yep. Don/Jennifer have been encouraging.

Military Dude: sometimes do you feel that acknowledging her evil is a form of encouraging?

Me: used to be that way but Jennifer has encouraged her that ignoring is ignorance and,it empowers her to be worse and worse

Military Dude: until you blow up and,start yelling and throwing shit?

Me: yeah. But my dad doesn't like it

Military Dude: is it effective?

Me: if only hate is applied constantly

Military Dude: but that's not your forte?

Me: i would have to kill her if i did.

Military Dude: is that why your dad told you to stop?

Me: yeah. But if i got rid of her body successfully would i be in trouble?

Military Dude laughs: don't ask me that, besides shes a large body to cook for the dogs and you can't stand or use your shoulders that long.

Me: don't disappoint my audiences! I can get help!

Matt laughs; shut the fuck up please!!

Military Dude: well our half hour is up.

Me: so that lady whose military husband abused her, she doesnt encourage cooking people?

Military Dude: probably is that ok with you?

Me: my thing is that i just want to be left alone! I don't want to deal with socio paths and ignorant people.

Military Dude: well my thing is she tried to tell you what to do and you told her you wouldnt listen and,find another subject then you went and did the thing she told you not to do! Then justified it with precise accuracy like a sharp shooter sniper. So how can anyone help you?

Me: a lot of money, listening (to me, especially Matthew and where it regards my kids)

Military Dude: not interfering with your curent flow of life.

Me: I desperately need my current flow interfered with. That goes under listening. Not interfering with what i say and want. Example: don't change all the hospital procedures because i want all mine done,at once. Let me,do it all at once. Example: dont,interfere with the flow of,truth. I keep complaining how I'm interrupted.

Military Dude: that's what i mean.

Me: jess gave proper diagnosis and solutions yesterday

Military Dude: why do you go to him? You're starting to cry.... Is he like snoop?

Me: snoop is great. He tries to cheer me,up. I guess the libra connection there works

Military Dude: jesse is Aries, the complete opposite, I see

Me: I'm,used,to always telling my mom my problems so my dad tells her how to,fix them

Military Dude: money. Is that,an obstacle for you?

Me: the biggest, hugest obstacle ever.

Military Dude: it would aleve alot of stress?

Me: HUGE!!! The kids always remark how calm,i am. But money tightens my chest ans i can't .... Paralizes me. Especially with the fact,i have asked,and asked for help so,i can help,eliminate some of my moms enormous ego

Military Dude: now that,was what i was asking. How to eliminate that!!!!

[ryanjamessalmon]

23/04/2018 - 12:10am - The Truth

I havent been this down on myself since I was in my feelings about having no friends. I saw two old friends last night that i left behind me to pursue my dreams; nothing new there.

Leading up to seeing them i thought that everything that i was doing was dope. Revolutionary. I saw myself doing things that no one else has ever thought of. I was shit that was gonna change the game but then after leaving, i was convinced that I had to put on a mask and change my perspective, completely change up what i was doing. Look at Life in a whole different way.

and they were right

ive been in my feels most of the night, fuck that actually, ive been in my feelings for the past hour becuase i convinced myself my music wasnt good and i was a lame ass dude wiping his own ass. There is some reality to that I will say but its the fist time in a while that i questioned myself, which isnt a good thing for someone who is a recovering doubt addict. But in typing the entirety of this text up until this point i have shifted mindsets.

I have to face the truth. The hard, but very real truth. Its not as simple as a sentance becuase there are multiple truths that come to mind that i have to embrace in order to move past  the sandtrap ive been stuck in this past year. The deepest spawning seed of truth is that I havent been keeping it real with myself. I’ve been shutting my eyes to the reality of my situation for a very long time now. turning my head away from the harsh reality of the world we live in has trickled down and tainted almost all aspects of my being, forcing me to exert x5 the effort to make up for my self inflicted ignorance of the fact that i am alive at the time where the world is at the worst its ever been. I see the world for what it was intended to be: an awe inspiring fully immersive experience of Life beautifully crafted by the natural course of the universe. The bitter reality is that man has taken what was intended to be beautiful and exploited their gift of consciousness to create a world that is dying. the reality is that we are not living in the world that was intended, we are living in a warped dystopian present where humanity is at the worst it has ever been in the existanece of our species.

technology is taking over as humans are becoming more and more dependent on their electronic devices to handle more and more aspects of their Life. Manipulation and exploitation is at an all time high. There is a war going on and Ive spent my whole Life telling myself that there is not, choosing to hide myself amongst those who are too blind to see reality for what it is. But im worse than the blind because i can see, but id rather choose to believe in a comforting lie if it means keeping myself out of battle.

I want to believe that the world is good, but its not. I was intended to be and it was at one point, but that was a very very very long time ago and thigns have gotten bad since then. a lot of these people are living a lie and they dont even know it becaue they have shut themselves so far out from the truth. I want to embrace the truth. Im tired of running from something you cant outrun.  the truth that im facing now is that the ends justify the means. That you have to play the game in order to change the game. that you cant be the best at something unless you arent holding anything back.That to stay stagnant and move without urgency is to remain lethargic while burning in the furnace.

I have the end in mind. Ive spent a lot of time thinking about dying. I know where im headed and for the longest time ive been living with the end held in my hands; in your head all of your ideas and plans are as real as waking Life but when you open your eyes and breathe in reality any idea that you had is no longer existent. My ideas and plans are reality to myself and no one else and i have been staying inside of my head in order to keep them a reality, but this is the hour that i open my eyes and let all my ideas evaporate to face reality with nothing besides my actions. Its time to embody my vision. Its time to take action. Its only us here, so start acting like it.