#i dont want to kill myself but i definitely want to die???? like surely theres more than spite and wage slavery to life?????????

[gracelesslion]

idk ive had it man.

[vind3miat0r]

Hush EA spoilers

(also a whole lot of word vomit. and for once its not copied and pasted from texts i sent to my boyfriend)

I TOLD YALL I TOLD YALL VEGA WASNT DEAD!!

okay wow theres a LOT to unpack here. uhm.

so the general theory that demons dont go to Death when they die has been confirmed!! yippee!! their magic just gets scattered to the winds and it seems like its up to someone to stitch said magic back together in order to revive(?) the demon that was killed. yay!!

taking a moment to talk about Hush because HUSHH?? Hush freaking out about how he killed Vega and how Vega confused him was just. heart-breaking. omg. i was expecting many things today, but not Hush of all people having a breakdown. that really hit too close to home </3

now, Hush mentioned something when talking about Vega: he used the term "anacruses" to refer to our beloved manipulator. hello? sudden lore drop?? question mark??

more lore drops is Hush talking about how he met Vega before he was formed, and how he thinks he wasnt supposed to remember the demon, and i quote: "But a part of me, a tiny echo within me is made of those who made me, and that’s the part of me that knows him. Knows… Vega. The daemon before the demon. The voice before the song broke from the stave. I don’t think I’m supposed to remember him."

focusing on the "voice before the song broke from the stave" part; i looked up the term "anacruses", and what i find interesting is that the word "anacrusis" popped up. "anacrusis" has multiple meanings, but one of them caught my eye: "one or more unstressed notes before the first bar line of a piece or passage."

now, i dont know much about instrument lore, but (correct me if im wrong) this is referring to music. personally, i think this is really interesting (this may be the autism speaking), because we know that d(a)emons have some sort of connection to the spellsong. im sure Gavin or Hush maybe explained it once, i cant really remember. we also know that Hush is literally the silence in the spellsong. the plural of "anacrusis" is "anacruses". you can see where this is going.

we know that Vega is really old. we know he was around before the Cacophony, which makes me think that he was one of the first daemons to be created. like, "within the first ten" kind of first. Hush calling Vega "one of the Anacruses" has me thinking some things.

firstly, the term "Anacruses" may just be a sort of title for d(a)emons who were created before the Cacophony. this is plausible, and i think it would make sense. it could also refer to d(a)emons who were created before the existence of the spellsong, maybe?

we dont know much about the spellsong, other than that its this non-corporeal thing that d(a)emons and Hush have a connection to (and if we really want to reach, the Sovereigns as well). we know that every empowered person's core has a "voice" in the spellsong, and that if said person dies, their "voice" goes silent.

we dont know when it was created, or how it was created. but the definition of "anacrusis" got me thinking... maybe the "Anacruses" daemons are the ones who created the spellsong. its a bit of a reach (thats an understatement that a very long reach), but i think it's plausible. its like FNAF lore: if you dont think about it, it makes sense.

you must be thinking, "wow vinn thats a lot of word vomit! what are you trying to say?" what i said a few paragraphs ago: "Anacruses" just means "old demon" but with significant lore and meaning attached to it. thats it.

(i really like how Erik's brain works — props to him for working this into the possible spellsong lore)

i dont really have much to say about Hush saying he existed before he... well existed. what i take from that is that he could have been a non-corporeal being who physically couldnt take a physical form until very recently. whatever created him took parts of themself to make him. i dunno, im still trying to understand it myself.

uhhh anyways thank you for coming to my ted talk, youve been a great audience as per usual :D

[fucksurass]

DEAD? Park!

Pt.3

Stan: Kenny...? You um-

Stan: Yesterday you were all... Weird? Now youre um.... Not..

Kyle: What hes trying to say is, What the hell happened after school yesterday because you actually look... Okay.

Stan: Yeah you dont look like a mess like after Pocket got here. You left insane and came back chillin. What happened?

Kenny: You mean apart from fucking Cartmans mom?

Cartman: WHAT KENNY- YOU- I HOPE YOU FALL ON YOUR POOR UGLY ASS-

Kenny: Im kidding! I read porn and imagined fucking her!

Cartman: THAT DOESNT MAKE IT ANY BETTER YOU DIRTY-

Kenny: And I said to myself, Im going crazy! No one died! Im just a little messed up right now because of stress! So I whipped out my weiner and started jacking it.

Cartman: Dear god, can Kenny please fall off his chair and bust his ass.

Kyle: Awe Kenny come on!!

Stan: Not what I wanted to hear today.

Kenny: What? At least im not acting crazy anymore. Id say this is normal.

Stan: ....

Cartman: ....

Kyle: ....

Kyle Cartman and Stan: Yeah hes got a point. Id believe it. Regular Kenny.

Kenny: Oh and those books arent gonna help you at all Stany boi. I suggest giving it up.

Stan: Come on dude... Let a man dream...

Kenny: Wendys probably a lesbian dude.

Kyle: Yeah she probably totally definitely is.

Stan: What...?

Kyle: Yeah... You should go for someone el-

Cartman: Faggot.

Kyle: Shut the fuck up Cartman!

Stan: Yeah! Wendys not a faggot! Im sure she'll come back. She always does...

Cartman: That went over your whole head, Stan.

Stan: What went over my head?

Kyle and Cartman: *face palm*

Mr. Garrison: Okay class.... Sadly and Unfortunately for me... Theres another.. New student-

Kenny: WAH thud! OW!!

Cartman: BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAA THANK YOU GOD

Ze Mole: Fuck god!

Kenny: Stop laug- ....Mole..?

Garrison: You know him?

Stan: All four of us do! Hey man!

Garrison: Thats cool. Anyway say hello to Christofeet- Chris- Christophne something or other or- Just call him Ze Mole.

Ze Mole: I have returned on behalf of Gregory. I wanted to ask if La Resistance lived on after I- er left... For.. War?

Pip: Hello Mole!

Ze Mole: Ah... You are here..

Cartman: Yeah we all hate Pip too dont worry.

Ze Mole: Sure.

Stan: Kenny? Oh not again... I swear..

Kyle: What- Oh...

Mr. Garrison: Can we please sit down? Im still teaching. Who else in here is gay?

Cartman: STAN AND KAH- OW KAHL WHAT THE FUCK

Ze Mole: ...Why are you looking at me like zat Kenny? Stop.

Pip: In a matter of seconds, dear Mole, Kenny well have assumed your death.

Ze Mole: How-

Kenny: Okay I am seriously fucking positive we WATCHED that guy die!

Stan: Come on Kenny! You were doing great!

Kyle: You almost had it then you blew it!

Kenny: We watched it happen guys! Cartman didnt turn off the alarm and he got attacked by guard dogs-

Ze Mole: I hate guard dogs... What a terrible way to die! Do not wish zat on me!!

*CLANG*

Cartman: Haha! Sick!

Stan: Oh my god! Ze Mole killed Kenny!

Kyle: You french bastard!

Mr. Garrison: Please be careful with that thi-

Ze Mole: Was my mozer careful when she shot me in my leg while I vas still in ze womb?!

Mr. Garrison: ...I guess not.

Craig: Dude sit down! You killed Kenny!

Red: Whos Kenny-

Ze Mole: Do not worry.

Ze Mole: Though he dies, La Resistance lives on.

Cartman: Nobody gives a crap about Las resilience! Lets all just wait for the rats to consume Kennys body so we can continue naming all the fags in the classroom.

Mr. Garrison: Lets all listen to the fat kid.

Clyde: Guys im not a faggot...

Pt. 2

Pt. 4

[cosmicdream222]

sorry to be morbid again but do you think we can manifest passing away early? im honestly past the point of wanting to exist and just want to get over this thing that im supposed to be a successful person but im not so idrc if i do or dont live

so many ppl on tarot related blogs ask about their fs but if we dont meet them does it matter and would they just move on with their life? like i think u have to have ur life put together but its genuinely so hard to do these days so i hope my fs wont be sad at all when i die cause i wouldnt be able to make tnem truly happy anyway cause im not happy myself with how things have been

ideally i wouldve done something in a sport or music but that ship sailed long ago and now im so stuck but id hate to be reliant on someone else and i shouldve moved out into my own place but housing is ridiculously expensive where im from and taxes dont help anyone. it takes years and years to pick up a talent so i have wasted those years and ik im just going to struggle to get past 50 if i were to have my own place bc minimum wage jobs suck arse and i dont want to be doinng something lame not that its lame for others to do it, its just not what i wanted to have done at all

you cant even get a degree without needing to fork out hundreds and thousands so yeah none of its easy and sure you can try subliminals but lets face it the systemn we are in is fucked up big time so rn i cant even bother with daydream about how it could have been or the what ifs i had done smth differently or if i had any talent but then theres still the, im too old and too foreign to do any sort of music as most successful groups nowadays are korean and even if i tried to do what they did it would probs end up killing me some way or other

its just either about having to be wealthy or having some type of talent both of which id fail at anyway as i shouldve done it years ago like a normal person who goes from being so so at something to being great at something.

i truly think i was born in wrong generation or i just shouldnt have been born at all then i wouldnt have to fret constantly abt these types of things. i think if the government genuinely sorted shit out for once and helped society ppl would be happier to work for less but im not happy at all with the current state of things. i feel guilty for existing and i hate it sm like god just let me end my life pleaseeeeeeeeeeeeee there is nothing worthwhile in store, ik we could try shifting subliminals but have those genuinely worked? like u exit this reality and straight into the one you wanted originally? but then i might as well just pass away cause id have to know what i want in another reality

My dude, take a deep breath. You’ve ranted about all this same exact stuff a bunch of times now and I’m just gonna repeat the same thing I said to you last time:

All of that stuff you mentioned about your current reality is an illusion. Time is an illusion. It does not matter what you’ve done in the past. The economy does not matter. Your present circumstances do not matter.

I’ll add to that: Whatever some tarot reader or TikTok psychic says definitely does not matter. Idk what fs means but I’m guessing something like a twin flame and that is especially 1000% bullshit.

The spiritual community has created an incredible amount of false narratives to make excuses and blame outside forces for why things aren’t going their way. None of it is real. Seriously forget everything you learned about fate, karma, astrology, or anything else that’s saying something else is in control. Reality is an illusion. YOU are in control.

You don’t have to identify with any old bullshit anymore. Stop repeating the old story and think about what you do want. You can have literally ANYTHING! You say you don’t know what you want, ok, but you know what you don’t want, right?

I don’t want to work -> I want to live in a reality where I don’t have to work.

There, you just figured out something you want! It’s that simple.

I totally agree that this society is a horrific shitshow and I don’t want to be aware of it anymore either. But it’s just one version of reality available. It’s not the only reality and it’s not the original reality. You don’t have to be aware of it anymore if you don’t want to be.

You also don’t have to involve death at all. There’s a lot of misconception in the shifting world which has lead to concepts like “permashifting” and “respawning”, but those just all assume this current reality is the original one. It’s not.

Have you watched The Matrix? It’s really more like a documentary than science fiction lol. Just like in the movie, we are being tricked by a simulated virtual reality, controlled by a society that’s using us for our energy. Just think of reality as an escape room. We’re escaping the Matrix. Once you figure out how to leave, you don’t ever have to go back. There are infinite realities available to you, and none are more real or right or original than any others. Remember, death is not an ultimate, nor does it exist in all realities.

I am scripting a utopian reality with my best friend where there is no death, aging, or illness. Everyone is a master manifestor so they always get whatever they want. Nobody has to work and there isn’t even a need for money because we can manifest anything instantly. We can just relax and get massages all day. Everyone lives in peace and harmony and abundance. Animals are treated as equals to humans, we can all communicate with each other, and we can all fly and teleport. Because why the f not? 🤷🏻‍♀️😂

And if you really don’t want to exist (I’m guessing that other ask from a couple weeks ago is you too lol) you don’t have to exist in this reality, or any other. Removing your awareness from all physical reality is known as entering the void. You exist there as pure consciousness, and you can stay there as long as you like. It is you as your highest self. There’s nothing negative about it.

As for the whole subliminal thing, shifting subliminals are just one method. Shifting = manifesting = deciding what you want and experiencing it. It’s something we are always doing and is available to all of us. You don’t need any methods to shift besides intention. We just use methods to convince/calm the annoying human brain that is programmed with society’s limits.

[hikari-ni-naritai]

Hello Emily I am unsure if you are watching anime this season but I have a question. I am interested in Frieren but I just watched a show where they suddenly shoehorned a het romance in and it really soured the whole experience. Basically, do you know how het the show is? I really dont wanna be let down again... Also I am curious, any other recommendations?

i am watching. approximately 25 anime this season. its a big one ill fuckin tell ya that. a lot of good stuff. ill be sure to steer away from het stuff for recs tho. anyway frieren, i havent read the manga or anything so i dont know what kind of , if any, romance is in it. but so far there's been none. frieren herself states that elves lack romantic and reproductive urges, so i think its unlikely she'll get any het romance forced on her. she does have positive feelings towards her old adventuring party, but not like romantic ones. though i guess you could READ them as romantic if you wanted? but i dont and see no reason to. anyway frieren is REALLY good so please watch it!!

as for recs, uhhh. lemme fuckin. you would probably prefer female protags right? there's 'im in love with the villainess' of course. that one's been good so far. i've also really enjoyed 'the family circumstances of the irregular witch', which is a comedy about a witch who adopts a human girl. theres a guy whos got a thing for the witch but neither she nor her daughter have any interest in romance. its funny and theyre cute. there's also 'i shall survive using potions!', an isekai about a girl who dies and goes to a fantasy world where she has the power to just. manifest Potions that do whatever. i dont THINK she's shown any romantic inclinations, but she's had to turn down some suitors. either way shes fun and i love her. paragraph break bc this ones getting long

another one that's been pretty good so far is 'vexations of a shut-in vampire princess', about a shut-in vampire princess who suddenly becomes the leader of a vampire army in a world where no one can die. her maid is gay for her but she doesnt seem to have much interest. but at the same time no interest in men either so. its good, its got vampires in it and violence. ive also been enjoying 'tearmoon empire', which is about a really shitty awful princess who gets guillotined and wakes up several years in the past with a bloodstained journal she carries with her everywhere now detailing the events of the future. she's trying to make sure they dont revolt and kill her, which has the incidental effect of fixing the problems in the empire. this one will probably turn het though, she's definitely straight but shes primarily interacting with boys for her own not-getting-murdered purposes. but yaknow.

one last one ive been watching is 'let me check the walkthrough first', an isekai about a girl who ends up in a game world with a spoiled rich girl she used to tutor. i like it but i would say it is an EXTREMELY acquired taste, most of it is like. rwby-type cgi. this is something that doesnt bother me, but i know it would bother a lot of people.

i would love to rec my actual favorites but they've got male protags and unnecessary fanservice. no romance, the protags are like. functionally ace, but yaknow. those would be eminence in shadow and dead mount death play, both in s2 this season. theres a lot of other good stuff too, but like. not about girls. i kind of understand in theory why people only watch stuff about girls but its not a restriction i could ever place on myself. anyway i hope you like frieren!!! and if you choose to check out any of the other stuff ive mentioned, i hope you like them as well! <3

[tmabutlesbian]

i need to study mike crew's character cause i wanna ship him n integrate him in more of my hc's. this is me, reacting to his wiki page.

love that the only thing they say abt mike at the start of his page is that he's an avatar of the vast. like yh no shit

oh damn we have his date of death, i always forget tma is like. very well dated?? like months n days n shit i always forget, i assume its all very. up to interpretation. some of it definitely is. we dont got no bday tho :((( thats kinda sad

mike is: thin, pale, short, has the iconic scar on his neck n back, n has pale eyes. he also smells of ozone. king <3

ok, age 8, boy got hit by lighting, n then because his life might as well get worse, he gets chased around by a spiral avatar (not the distortion, which is always fun seeing other interpretations of the fears outside of the more iconic or reoccurring ones), that tormented him with illusions of storms, poor guy

omfg????? boy became an orphan by 17 cuz he found some corruption leitner n it killed his parents. king moved on tho n right away wanted to search for more, hoping it would help him with his spiral problem. pretty cool. true that i cant remember how he reacted during his statement, the wiki is just here to inform n shit, but hes very practical in a way. parents die because of powerful book. hes being chased by a powerful entity. theres gotta be some book that can help him. smart n practical, might also be a way to like. quickly move on from his parents' death by just. focusing on a goal. he sure is stubborn, so many years still alive whilst being chased by a monster is amazing

ok, 1996, we dont know how old he is, but he finds boneturners tale, tries to remove his scar, doesnt work cuz he's full of fractals ig so he leaves it in some library with some other books. he probs doesnt like his scar for trauma reasons, might also be for insecurity reasons, we all know how cruel children n teenagers can be

1997-98, he found ex altiora after frequenting some library. he bound the spiral creature to the book n devoted himself to the vast. i mean, shit, me too, u go ur whole life being tormented by some monster, some other power kills it, i too would devote myself to it, if anything for the fact that it can provide some type of protection. again, mike's a pratical n smart guy, but he obviously doesnt rly know know a lot abt the fears, hes kinda winging it, which is. very impressive. all that he's learned has been on the fly (not a pun either)

2005, he becomes a stalker, 2006 he keeps doing it n feeds his god of the vast by freaking one of the guys out. this is in paris, which means hes travelling around. probs already used to doing so on the hunt for leitners, he might as well keep going now that he has funky sky powers

2017 he meets our boy jon. scar is still a sensitive issue, which is valid, so he fucks jon up a bit after he offended mike abt it. he gives a statement but then he is killed n buried which is. just sad. he was so iconic

im gonna go down the statements n add anything else of value.

mag 4: page turner: love that the spiral creature is stuck there on the book, with mike's scarring, its kinda cool. also this was in 2012, statement in 2013. im assuming dominic n mike r of the same age since they used to play together, so i was hoping to see some hint abt his age.

also mike smells of ozone constantly probs due to becoming n avatar of the vast, since the book ex altiora also smelled of ozone. interesting.

mag 46: literary heights: mike is a uni student, or at least looks like one. so im gonna assume he was in his 20s?? during 1998. he also keeps his scar hidden.

books on demonology?? does he think the spiral monster is a demon? kinda fair tbh. also what kinda akward situations arose from mike having to run away from the spiral thingie everytime he smelled the ozone? did he leave in the middle of multiple classes?? did it catch him mid piss one time?? actually what if he was in the bathroom chilling n smelled ozone?? wtf do u do???

ok, mike being a bit of a hermit n staying inside his home for weeks, bunch of latin shit around him, probs from the demonology books. he stole ex altiora n then fled not after herbert found him but when the creature found him n he ran, with herbert giving chase.

mike performs some ritual with latin to bind the creature to the book in exchange for his devotion to the vast. he throws himself out the window with the creature following behind. jon believes the mike was using the book to protect or ward him, which yh seems like it.

ah ok the spiral thing is the lichtenberg figure which is what gives mike his scars ig. interesting how smth so related to the vast can actually be from the spiral depending on what it does n means, with the illusions of storms n what not. we always assume anything sky related is vast but here lighting is very much spiral. thats cool.

mag 75: a long way down: mike is described as a short young man. event happened during 2006, so rly it depends on what young man means for the statement giver. if in 1998 he was in his 20's, in 2006 hes around 28 years old, maybe. hes also wearing a grey faded suit so 1) not much for colors huh n 2) wears shit until they break, same

mike feeding the vast in a pretty chill way, probs very happy to be free of torment n also have cool fear powers. he does seem bored so it could be more of a chore for him than anything else, mike just wants to live basically. also pre leitner mike must be different from post leinter mike, since jon notes ppl change after using leitners. so theres also that. the loss of ur humanity might also do that to u but idk

mag 89: twice as bright: jude is in her 50s!! didnt know that.

mike hangs around with the fairchilds, which is just jude's way of saying hes from the vast. id assume mike wouldnt hang out with them, just feel like hes used to dealing with things alone. also he is closer to jon's lot than hers, which could mean several things. i guess mike did search for knowledge everywhere for a while, even if it was all for survival n not for a need to know.

mag 91: the coming storm: love how jon goes to meet mike n he offers him tea, which means they r at mike's house, he has a home. with tea in it. i wonder if hes good at making it or not. mike likes his privacy n also that jon should learn how to respect others, which tbh just feels like he is older than jon which yh, if this is 2017 n if in 2006 he was around 28, he is around 39, maybe.

theres no lasting damage from his lighting incident the doctors say, except the trauma i guess. "Lichtenberg figures are fractals and while he could not see them, his fingers could feel them on his skin. When he felt them in the dark they went on and on" now thats pretty interesting, no wonder he didnt like his scars much if they felt all weird n funky like that.

i just googled them n see this: "Lichtenberg figures are fern-like patterns that may appear on the skin of lightning strike victims and typically disappear in 24 hours." thats not what happened to out boy!! might been because it was a supernatural thing tho so yh. wonder if his doctors freaked out a bit, also wonder what kind of treatment he got from his unusual scarring. but i also think this might happen, but its rare.

after touching his scars, the spiral thing started chasing him. it tricked him by making him think a storm was always coming, n it never hurt him but it always terrified him, which is fair cuz i mean wtf

ohhh very much avatar of the spiral with the corridors, making him dream of endless lighting corridors. then he woke up, went to his small garden at the back, n he saw an endless dark forest, the branches reached down from the sky n there was a strong smell of ozone. its interesting how this is an avatar of the spiral but its so laden with the vast.

after parents die he understands theres more to the supernatural n starts exploring. "The creature that followed him was a branch of the Twisting Deceit, which had, perhaps foolishly, taken a form from the sky" interestinggggg so the entities can take forms of things related to other entities, this is so cool!!

"he faintly remembers feeling resigned and desperate, though he cannot understand these feelings now" hmm so post leitner n post becoming an avatar he doesnt remember why he felt resigned before doing so, but like, ure giving up ur humanity n shit, n mike did it cuz he wanted to live in peace, like ofc. its like choosing the lesser evil n shit.

he has killed multiple ppl since he says its hard to keep track, but also i feel like his memory is not the best, considering he cant remember the night he became an avatar correctly.

can be punched n killed pretty humanly so theres that as well. might also be because daisy is from the hunt tho.

thats all i have, this was kinda cool. my boy mike <3<3

[aster-pkmn-irl-real]

DREAMER - does your muse have any recurring dream? if not, what was their worst nightmare?

And!

CHEATING DEATH - what does your muse think about death? are they afraid of it?

oh ummmm that first one is kind of like. hard to answer cause i actually don't sleep that much tbh,,, it isnt a thing where i just refuse to sleep or like im overworking myself i grew outta that phase but like i havent been able to sleep properly at all for as long as i can remember (ALSO YES IVE TRIED CUTTING OUT CAFFEINE IT DIDNT WORK) so i dont really dream thatttt much. but recently when ive managed to get to sleep ive had this dream where like. it reminds me of this one fairy tale (read: reading comprehension passage) i really liked when i was younger called marzia and the seven harlequins. i talk about it more here. (https://www.tumblr.com/aspens-lab-moved/740062909838884864/whats-a-book-that-features-your-favorite?source=share) but basically in the dream i take the role of marzia and eight other people (none of whom i recognize?? which is kinda weird) take the roles of her friends. but basically what happens is i turn like 13 in the dream and my pichu and i set out on this journey where basically we have to reset this timer in order to prevent the world from being destroyed by 'god.' so as we journey throughout the land over the course of 5 years we meet these people and we become friends and they join my cause. along the way my pichu also eventually evolves into a raichu. what happens is like basically each of these eight friends start to go missing one by one, until theres only me, my raichu, and one last friend left with his raichu. and the two of us keep going on our journey to reset the timer and stop god from destroying the world and when we get to wherever we're supposed to be stopping god there's an altar at the very top of this tower which is on top of a mountain. when we find god, whos like just sitting on the altar having a good time ig, we realize that our friends went missing because every time we got closer he was taking them as sacrifices to make him stronger. then he takes my raichu and our last friend as the final sacrifices and its just me and this eevee left to reset the timer and make sure god doesnt destroy the world and basically like the eevee evolves into an umbreon and we're able to reset the timer and destroy god because he didnt realize that the timer doesnt function on sheer power but its cause like love and hope and devotion are how it chooses its master so its reset but in the process the umbreon and i are killed, but we wake up to this really bright light, where we're meant to spend all of eternity together all alone because we're dead and we have to watch over the timer now in order to reset it next time and next time and next time because that way nothing changes and the timer can always be guaranteed to be reset and then i start crying in the dream and then i wake up its a weird fuckin dream and then for the second one . its kind complicated ig. im not going into detail for kind of obvious but i do have a few experiences regarding death and stuff and they definitely had an effect on me. i wouldn't say i necessarily fear death. i don't want to die but at the same time if i were to be killed i wouldn't try to fight all that hard yk? like if it happens it happens. theres not a whole lot i can do about that. im going to die anyway. all i can really do is love the people i love while i can and hope that when i say i love them they know i mean it and try to live a life that i won't regret when my time comes. and i dont really mean that in a yolo way but i moreso just wanna like. pay attention to my life and the world around me and i wanna pay attention to what i pay attention to. i dont want to die but if it happens i dont want to waste time trying to cling to life when i could be doing something better with my time

[relaxxattack]

on the torture thing i know it was a while ago but. i feel like downplaying the whole torture thing that happens in dsmp is so. hm. people will be like "think about all the pain c!whoever is going through!" but. you are defending torture. like c!tommy literally had a whole turnaround bc with c!techno he would torture ppl (also i wanna remind that c!connor got tortured canonically- he forgave c!tommy but he is still traumatized from it iirc. its more cemented in canon than c!fundys torture is, where the latter seems to be more that the yelling is canon but the torture was exaggeration and had no bearing on the plot, just one of the few times where a cc is messing around w their friends in a semi canon way) and as such tommy like. grew out of torturing ppl and Doesnt Want That To Happen Ever. tommy torturing others was resolved and he decided not to do so because its immoral.

and then theres the other three torturers. c!sam, c!quackity, and c!dream. obviously c!dream is just completely in the wrong. theres no debate to be had there. c!sam was completely in the wrong as well, also no debate, he cut off his (at the time i think freshly exes iirc?) boyfriend's arm and tortured him and took his first life over worthless things- yes while spiraling but mental health deteriorating is a reason, not an excuse. spiraling does not justify irrational torture of a loved one. people who gloss over this moment, or hell, even praise c!sam for it are.. uncomfortable to be around at best. especially if excessive (and there are people who praise him for it and not in a "c!sam is an interesting and complex character" way but in a "he was in the right" and even girlboss comments kind of. are icky here. [also not to bring race but hm as a poc maybe the fandom could stand not to romanticize the torture of a poc by a character played by a white man. i dont blame cc!sam, not at all, and i think it fits in the story and is not something to criticize the creator for. but please god fandom be normal towards c!ponk. treat him as a person who was hurt by c!sam not just someome c!sam is still in love with after torturing and killing and amputating him. please. hes a person outside of that relationship.])

and then.. c!quackity. even more complicated than c!sam, really. but i still think its immoral to torture a prisoner who cant fight back, abuser or not. i genuinely think dream deserves to die over getting tortured, or at least just. left alone in prison. at most wait a while and then maybe make attempts at getting through to him and if they dont work let him be. but torture is immoral regardless of who you're doing it to and id argue that saying its okay takes away c!dream's humanity. c!dream is a terrible and disgusting person but to treat him as less than human (and i dont mean from like. a design point. nonhuman dreams fuck i mean this in a morality sense) feels.. off to me? like as an abuse victim treating an abuser as just some toy to fuck up is,, idk. it feels off. like im sorry to break it to the fandom but terrible people are still people and treating them as less than people because theyre terrible just doesnt work. it takes away how serious it is that people hurt each other and that the pain will stay. people die, killing c!dream, if anything, actively acknowledges that hes a person who can die like everyone else. torturing him does not. i dont care as much about like girlboss or w/e statements w c!quackity bc yeah hes doing somethin about an abuser but its a terrible solution and c!quackity is an immoral person for doing it, understandable motives or not. c!quackity is more sympathetic than c!sam and c!dream (and while not currently more sympathetic than c!tommy, their reasons for torture do differ and id say that c!quackity has a more sympathetic reason than c!tommy did) but hes still wrong for doing this.

like. idk. dsmp fandom learn how to realize that just because source is full of gray morality doesnt mean that you should start genuinely defending immoral actions just because they arent equal to real life. theres a difference between how dsmp government and pandoras vault just cannot be compared to irl government and prison because they dont function the same and how, in the roleplay, the fictional torture is like irl torture whether you like it or not. the way that the characters' mental illnesses and deteriorating mental health mirrors real life and the way that the abuse c!tommy and others go through mirrors real life is the way that the torture that characters who are canonically effected by it mirrors real life.

of course i could just be more pissy than i need to be but like. i also do not think its Super Serious. i just think that while people can joke around maybe theres some stuff that just shouldnt be treated as Not Serious and Definitely Justifiable just because its fiction. have fun if you want, make girlboss jokes and continue to enjoy the characters because theyre written amazingly and be lighthearted about it if you dont want to be super serious. no one can or will stop you. just. yknow. make sure you arent genuinely defending something horrible. dont be like the people who defend how c!tommy was and is treated just because he fucks up. c!tommy has done some fucked up shit but he doesnt deserve to be treated as less than human and that spreads to everyone in the story. sorry for the super big ramble i just think about this a lot idk - (the dsmp fandom is scary so im not revealing myself just yet. so like idk. im just gonna be 🎭🎪 anon for now)

anon you are so smart i really don’t have anything to add 

[theunconcernedembalmer]

ok i got the aesvic out of my system now time to pick apart the letter n why i wont really be following aesops diary exactly here. literally no one asked but i wanted to get my thoughts down somewhere cos i have. a lot

just gonna put a quick rundown of aesops diary entry as a refresher (mostly for myself so i dont miss anything): he dreamt that he was helping jerry with what was probably a murder n was affirmed n he thinks its a sign congratulating him on carrying out his duty. over the years, he carries out his duties as an undertaker n comes to the manor looking for a “fresh start” aka what sounds like his first victim. according to aesop, said victim should be quiet, n potential victim number 1 is victor. something about badly needing him to become his “silent friend” n he mentions he’ll get to wick n the 2 other survivors in due time, but for now he’s very eager to start his “mission”.

im generally okay with the letter (i have seen so many fights over this aha) cos there is no surprise he wants to kill ppl (ppl who r fighting over this point. did u even read his deductions?? guy happily killed his mentor??). but i didnt quite like the fact that he still looks up to jerry (although. i guess thats valid i just. dont like it). i was also initially kind of confused about the real reason why he would want to kill ppl since as u progress through the letter it sounds less like he kills for duty (cos of the whole dream thing at the start) but more “because i want to :)”, which is an okayish edgy kinda take imo. like not that u cant characterize aesop as Kill Kill Murder Die, but i kinda find that. pretty boring in the long term.

im just gonna put what my original take on aesop was, like all of it. first off, he hates jerry. u cannot tell me a psychotic serial killer like that can raise a child without emotional trauma. like any child, this isnt even counting the extra damage done because hes autistic. (n i also hc that aesop has read his moms letter to him at some point, n he should have come to the conclusion that it was somewhat also jerrys fault, whether through logic or denial that his mom would want to leave him, so that just adds to it.) but as much as he hates him, his teachings are the only ones hes been exposed to, n its been so ingrained in him since young so even if he hates jerry he would still subscribe to whatever twisted ideology jerry was feeding him, which ill get to in a sec.

going through his accessories, he has that origami that he folds for each of his clients, n it shows that underneath it all, aesop is still kind. this isnt expected of him n its definitely not part of his job scope as an embalmer. he (still?) has the heart to wish the best for those that have departed n takes the time n effort to fold one for each n every client he sends off, which is probably a lot. so going off on that, my hc is that jerry, being the manipulative asshole that he is (who probably definitely manipulated his mom into indirect suicide) probably used his kindness against him to make him believe that by murdering ppl he is helping them, framing all of his serial kills as a sort of mercy kill (like his mom). so the thing that aesop takes away from all this is the very twisted logic that by killing ppl he is helping them, therefore being a good embalmer and a good person in general. n everyone wants to be a sort of good person, or at least for aesop that is part of his job description to be a good embalmer. n we all know aesop is very serious about his job.

i also hc that he has killed several ppl between killing jerry n coming to the manor, cos i follow the story that he took the invitation from that poor lady n thats how he ended up at the manor. surely the lady didnt come to him right after jerry died?? but anyway, the way i see it is that he thought he liked to kill. like he finally truly understood why jerry kills so much (which is interesting now that i think about it. guy really just went along with all those murders without truly believing huh), because it felt good to kill. at least thats what he thought, the revelation that killing felt good n is good, but i say its because he hated jerry, n offing someone u kinda hate should probably feel pretty gucci. n its also so much easier to pick clients off the streets than in the manor, so i would think that he has killed ppl like his mentor did, but each time he did the great feeling that came with ending ppls life just. wasnt as good as the first time round. it just became a sort of normal satisfaction of a successful embalming.

this can go two ways: 1. he keeps on killing to try to find that great feeling again, which is cool i guess (n probably what canon would want, except canon states that he hasnt killed since jerry), but id like to go with 2. he just stops because jerry isnt around to enforce it whenever he isnt feeling up to psychoing someone to their death (which is probably how jerry got his victims, n damn if that doesnt take a lot of mind games that i dont think aesop has the mental capacity for since half of it is fighting with his social anxiety n other issues. dealing with alive strangers?? no thanks?? i doubt he would have learnt properly how to lure in clients as efficiently as jerry because of this, mostly cos he was only needed for the murder afterparty aka embalming n funerals). n as much as he stays professional, there is no. professional way of gaslighting someone to their death.

(n also since ppl have pointed out that his twitter replies n other kinda informal stuff have shown that aesop does have reverent respect for life, which also adds to him not being so blindly bloodthirsty as implied in the letter. i dont really see the twitter replies as very canon, but it does make sense that he would come to revere life with his unique take and obsession over death, for one cannot exist without the other)

so this leads me to the motive that aesop brings to the manor, at least how i see it. he isnt exactly coming to the manor to kill per se (like from the very early story, he came to the manor to return the letter to a relative of the deceased lady, something about respecting her last wishes. something like that, its really been a while since i saw that exerpt), so like killing ppl isnt his main purpose of visit. its more of hes always on the lookout for weaker (or at least those that take less mind games to kill) people to mercy kill, n it just so happens that he knows the manor n his mentor almost died from there, so theres a pretty good chance he can find some ppl that fall into this category n so it just so happens that he also has a job to do there. its still counted as a Job for him since no ones gonna tell him that embalmers dont actually. murder. 

so in my version, aesop only tries to sway ppl that he knows he can convince, n these ppl would typically be those very sickly ones like his mom (andrew im looking at u) or those with an actual death wish/ very weak will to live. but here aesop is choosing his “first victim”, and the criteria for that is... quiet? never mind “not evading him” and “not cranky” being on the list too, but that isnt quite what i was expecting from someone so dedicated to their duty of murder. sure he wants an easy first kill, but like. i dont think its consistent if his motive was really to continue jerrys bastard legacy. especially when the next paragraph is essentially him gushing over victor, that... sort of implies something else. or at least in the way i see it, since i believe that canon wants us to think that aesop just really loves to kill.

aesop likes victor. very much so. so much till he wants to kill him. which i guess makes sense cos he likes death, n now he likes victor. so he just. puts the two things he likes together. whats better than victor? dead victor. anyway the rest of the letter is more like “whatever, i technically should kill the others too but my priority is victor” so like. he confuses his (dare i say) yandere tendencies with his duty since the end goal for both is a body in a coffin.

having said that. i know i have aesvic brainrot but i also know this is one sided as hell (at least from the letter alone, not counting the letter shaped cookies in his birthday art that apparently belonged to victors birthday cake aha) n lowkey alarming since. the goal is to kill victor. i kinda want to interpret it as him genuinely wanting to be friends with victor (really wanting him to be a “silent friend”, maybe cos he doesnt actually know how to be friends with living ppl n is better with dead ones? therefore victor should be dead to be friends?) but not knowing how to n throwing in his obsession with death ends up with. this minor disaster waiting to happen. but i uh. dont know if this is valid. its valid to me at least, with my original interpretation of aesop. n again cos of his ingrained professionalism, he also kinda sees this as part of his job to send ppl off, so its another plus. not for victor, tho.

idk if ill add this yandere side in my aesop. i mean my boi has technically tried to kill victor multiple times in the past HAHAHAHA. maybe like sometimes he can be a bit obsessive. as a treat. but generally nah cos thats definitely gonna end up in a murder somewhere somehow n i cant. just kill victors here on the ask blog scene lashjflkjhdlfkjhas

so yeah that kinda takes care of the last part of the letter, as for the first part. as much as aesop hates jerry, i would also think hes pretty starved for affirmation (like i said jerry isnt going to be a good parent figure ever) n i guess it makes sense if the only times jerry has ever complimented him was aiding him in his kills n hiding the evidence, which might (?) add to his desire to kill (but that probably dies with jerry aha). so the way i see it as aesop is getting affirmation n takes it as a good sign instead of. remotely liking jerry. idk if im stretching it a little but i really dont like the take where hes okay with jerry. anyway we are ignoring that he hasnt killed before entering the manor cos that doesnt quite make sense to me (i wasnt dreaming about the letter from a lady stabbed in the face 36 times or so right???? right???????)

im also not like. trying to defend him, im just trying to make sense of his diary. boi has issues n is a little too far gone (not as far as canon tho), in my take very deluded in his way of showing kindness. literally cool motive still murder (or in canon, just murder?), please get therapy. but i just dont really like the direction that the letter was originally trying to imply, with him really just hell bent on murder without like. a clear motive (at least to me it isnt very clear since the last part really doesnt sound consistent with his supposed intentions). i mean i love being edgy with aesop every now n then but i dont think it would make for meaningful characterizations in the long run so. ill still be sticking with my original take on aesop with maybe a bit of yandere for victor cos thats always fun

[darkelite020]

Bad Batch thoughts & predictions Ep 7

Continuing these written reactions/predictions somewhere cause itd be fun I think to see what actually ends up happening and remembering what I thought at the time so im dumping it here, youre welcome. (Feel free to discuss if you want) if you want to keep up with it im gonna be tagging these as #jay rambles about bb

- Ruby? Did I forget? Who/what is Ruby? -- Oh ok. Interesting bounty I suppose. - Wrecker and Omega have a completing mission tradition? That is SO cute. - Hooded person is here >>  -- I’m still holding out on my rex or ahsoka predicition because I think it would make sense for the sisters to call them since theyre friends with ahsoka and obviously she knows about clones and Rex is/was with her last we saw him... but the hooded persons eyes definitely aren’t ahsokas so I think it’s rex and if it is Im gonna be so happy - “Thats not her ugly side?” FFF Tech you bastard I love you - I SEE THE WHITE AND BLUE ARMORED ARM IM GONNA SCREAM - I’M SCREAMING -- REX I MISSED YOU SO MUCH I’M SO HAPPY TO SEE YOU AGAIN AHHHHH --- I KIND OF POKED FUN AT MYSELF THIS WEEK REBLOGGING A MEME OF A GRANDMA SAYING ‘REX WILL BE IN THE NEXT EPISODE’ AND SOME YOUNGER PERSON EXCORTING THEM AND SAYING SOMETHING LIKE ‘OK GRANDMA LETS GET YOU INSIDE’ OR SOME SHIT BUT **VIOLENTLY POINTING AT THE SCREEN** MY LOVE IS HERE - Cid shut the fuck up he is a KING how dare you - Oh no. Oh god. “thats a long story.” Is he going to talk to him about his pov with 66 and about the ship and Jesse AND FIVES OH FUCK -- So it skipped to Rex talking about the end of the war but we didn’t hear really the story itself, and I really hope thats not all we get when it comes to him talking about the people he and at least echo knew. Like if he talked about Fives learning about the chips and not being listened to and that resulted in 66 because of the chips where activated and made them betray the jedi but we get no reaction from Echo I’m going to be pretty disappointed honestly. Like I get the bad batch not really knowing the squad so they have excuses but Echo did, and I really hope they don’t do the thing “Oh well Echo was caught by droids so now he doesn’t care about them anymore” because... that sucks. Like honestly Echo wasn’t even super crazy about seeing Rex either tbh (I get that Echo feels like he doesn’t fit in with regs and thats all fine and dandy) but it kinda feels like he doesn’t give a shit about what he’s gone through with other people. ---Rambling and getting off topic now because I have some shit between Echo and Fives: but if thats the case like we all know it fucked up Fives when he thought Echo was dead so if Echo isn’t the same way about Fives I guess thats just like... depressing and it sucks because everyone sees them as “that duo”. Again we really don’t know what Rex said exactly so its possible it didnt get brought up but if it did...  - Wrecker picking up Rex is so cute but you can see the fucking worry in Rex’s eyes for being picked up by him cause Wrecker would throw him and agjsdb I love it. - Omega straight up being like “youre old” while looking at Rex’s face PFFT no filter kid. - REX KNOWS ABOUT WRECKER -- Good I’m very happy Rex is calling them out on this inhibitor chip shit. ‘Oh crosshair was just an exception’ should definitely not be an excuse. - Oh alright so the glimpse in the trailer was a junkyard and not the same thing. Same kind of ship but not where the graveyard is. Honestly thats kind of a relief. - OH SHIT I WAS TALKING ABOUT FIVES NOW THEY ARE BRINGING HIM UP IM GONNA CRY ABOUT FIVES ALL OVER AGAIN -- wait.... now I don’t know if they know or not about him. - The scenery in this show is really pretty im just gonna go ahead and give some appreciation. - Oh no Wrecker! Pull up the rope!!!!!! He can climb but you can also pull him!!!! -- Thank god. - Omega talking about if something goes wrong? It’s not like theyre all gonna die at the same exact time.... like theyre only gonna do the surgery one at a time so... Omega what are you imagining sis? Like if one person turns? It’s still kind of unlikely that they could defeat the other very talented people in the room. - OH SHIT TECH YELL FOR HELP - HEY THIS HURTS MY FEELINGS DAVE HEY HEY -- LIKE YEAH THEY CANT POSSIBLY KILL THEM ALL CAUSE THE SHOW NEEDS TO GO ON BUT HEY --- Lowkey predicting they could all turn by the end of the show season cause like if they dont beat wrecker and cant use the medical bay then they are fucked. Also especially think this is gonna happen because one of the directors literally said the second half of season 1 is gonna get emotional and holy shit can you imagine. ---- WHAT IF THEY DO AND ITS JUST OMEGA AND REX TEAMING UP TO SAVE THEM HOLY SHIT AND ITD GIVE EVEN MORE OF A MEANING TO THE WORDS “THE BAD BATCH” - Holy shit this fight Wrecker grabbed ECHO BY HIS FUCKING FACE - Ok I was seriously wondering about Omega’s concerns but now HOLY SHIT CAUSE THATS ALL I CAN SAY LIKE THEYRE NOT DEAD BUT OH MY GOD I DIDN’T THINK ITD GO DOWN LIKE THIS - THANK YOU REX OUR HERO - I know we’re all having a moment after Wrecker but can you guys like team up to move him off the table and get your own done like even if its a bit risky cause we don’t need a repeat of what just happened like yeah theres not enough time in the episode for it but still - The *immediate* little head pat “Hey kid” ;-;

- Ok I’m glad theyre getting them out - THE GENTLE REASSURING TOUCHES IN THIS EPISODE *deep breath* ARE GIVING ME SERATONIN  - Wreckers apology ;-; THIS IS SO FUCKING SAD AND CUTE - Rex is leaving already? :( Be safe you funky little space soldier. - Not really surprised the empire is gonna know they were there cause it was only a matter of time but if theyre smart theyd get off planet and back to Cid before the empire gets there to see whats up.  -- Im sure they’ll realize they removed their chips though, I wonder if crosshair will show up (he probably will) but if he does rather its gonna be a fight there between the empire and bb maybe the bb can win and save crosshair or they have to retreat and something else goes on idk. - Would love if Crosshair was saved because he really got the short end of the stick and is being called “the bad batch” but like he’s not even really there with them for the show so far... also you can tell subtly that he doesn’t like being alone which is fucking sad :tm: because all his friends are gone and it hurts even more now because wrecker was talking about how he didn’t want to do things and he was trying not to hurt them and stuff in his apology and you know damn well Crosshair is the same way about his friends he’s probably just a lot less expressive about it.  -- Honestly even bad batch aside can you imagine how terrible all of the clones feel like all the regs over all knowing theyre the downfall of the jedi and thinking that they were trying to resist it too. Like they know whats happening and deep inside theyre themselves but they cant do shit about it. That fucking hurts me.  This is a longer post but this episode was a roller coaster for my emotions.

[geffenrecords]

killjoys 🔪🔪🔪🔪 now

GSHFNEOFNSLDMDSKDM PELASE

okay oh my god the killjoys i ffucking love them? theyre my ocs now actually gerard way gave them to me bc i asked nicely and also gave them a kiss bc im so nice. /j

but gawd where to start i.....basically made up an entire universe for them in my head bc i cant be assed to read the comics n the canon is soooo inconsistent i can do whatever i want. who's gonna stop me. huh. the publishing company hunts me down and says No. try me.

ummm anyway first and foremost they cannot die......like legit. sing dont exist wdym. it's some real the old guard shit actually 🤨🍷 idk if anyone here has watched tht but Basically the ppl can die but their wounds heal up instantly and they can just keep going [that movie was so sexy i reccomend it] n that's pretty much how i think the killjoys operate? it's a little sadistic tho bc theres really nothing like teens telling you all the graphic ways theyve been maimed and killed only to still b kickin.....no ones sure if the girl shares the same curse/power, and theyre too scared to truly test it.

but yeah they fuck around w it a lot ghoul keeps track of how many times they all die and jets like thats not funny and ghouls like im sorry i cant hear you over my winning streak. he gets to 69 and they have never seen him so happy hes sofucking annoying......but kobra also kinda doesnt take it seriously he purposefully kinda throws ghoul around like a ragdoll just bc he knows he can. to quote myself from one of kyrs and i's various conversations, "youre laughing. ghoul just died and youre laughing, kobra." u know how in the dream theives ronan throws noah off the fucking roof. yeah thats their dynamic.

can the killjoys actually die like in the old guard where they randomly stop healing? who knows? maybe theyll be like this forever, or maybe theyll slow down one day. who's to say they even age. not them.

anyway um on a less edgy note.........as for their backstories.....kobra n party grew up in the city definitely 🤨 no ones sure who stopped taking the pills first the memories are so fuzzy......what they both DO remember is doing hurried things at night like chopping all kobras hair and running as fast as they could into the desert and hiding out till they were found by dr d. i love their dynamic like yeas. party is an annoying whiny bitch who cries and is heartbroken easily and kobra is the human embodiment of B| but they love each other very much.......party holds kobra close when he cries and vise versa and kobra will never forget the things party did to make him feel so safe bc listen. that is their babie brother. they would die for him. kobra is so fragile at first like he'd never admit it but oh.....the way his voice shook when he told party hes a boy n im not going to touch on that for tht long bc that's embarrassing hiiii but kobra is So trans. look at him and tell me that is Not a transmasc as fuck guy. it goes over well tho bc party lives breathes and dies for kobra and their gender is also yes heheheh....... anyway theyre both found by jet and pony one day and dr d kinda takes em in.......theyre v v wary at first n party kind of glares at everyone the whole time and if they get too close to kobra they will Be Violent and kobra just sits very still the whole time but eventually they warm up and become all alive blah bla bla <3

and JET......MY BELOVED............god i love jet <3 which is why i apologize for making them suffer GBDJFNGKDMDKDF. uhm......jet is desert born n shit and they had a fairly large family......quite a few siblings and loving parents that are......no more.....they dont like to talk about it but kobras gotten them to open up a few times and. it's not pretty. jet lived w dr d for a bit.......show pony is like their sibling at this point they have so many inside jokes and jet taught them spanish so theyll whisper and giggle to each other and it's so annoying......they call dr d dad too so true he cries they love each other :-( but yeah jet is so wild like listen. jet is a chaotic mom friend. yall alwaysmake it weird istg but like. jet is very caring and kind bc they had so many siblings so they kind of revert back to that a lil w the others n the girl but also theyre just like. slightly unhinged. they were raided with show fucking pony what did you expect.......jet just disappears n theyre all like !??!?!?!?!!? n then a few minutes later jet calls them like guys. did you know that i can outrun that jackal pack by tommys. theyre so much slower than ithought. and theyre like okay......um........and then they come home with random shit like why do you have the steering wheel of a 1978 car. where did you get that. why. i love them :-) they care for others and spend a lot of time bandaging others up and stuff but also they r kind of......wild.....they have lots of weird stuff abt them and a lot of scars. probably the most out of the four? idk how that all works but i say it can shut up it's my fictional universe and i get to say what happens. also they do the girls hair :-) me n kyrs r big biggg fans of this.......they have similar hair texture and they call the girl all these cute little nicknames in spanish and carry her around all they all like the girl is just Carried around all the time......she is small and holdable what can i sya.......

oh and ghoulll yeassss this bitch........ghoul is also desertborn but hes been on his own for a while.......kobra n party were found pretty early on by show pony n co. but ghoul wasnt found until they were abttttt.........15 or so? and God they were absolutely feral still is but he Bit. so much. he hissed and everything. he just sat in the corner glaring at everyone it took quite a bit of time to actually get him to open up......and he was so paranoid theyd throw him out if he fucked up.....he knocks something off dr d's desk and they find him hiding and crying somewhere and they all hug him and tell him its okay and hes like What.......its more of a subconscious fear now he trusts the others w his life n stuff but like...deep down yknow....anyway he still bites it's mostly to piss off kobra their relationship is.....fun. ghoul brings home wild animals and growls if he wants and kobra is like Die. kobra lives to piss off ghoul oh my god every chance he gets he takes a jab at him pls....ghouls like look at this tiny little bitch i found while holding up a mouse and kobra is like thats what we said when we found you and ghouls like BITCH. DIE. HATE YOU. but they are best friends <3

n um.....last one the GIRLLLLL HELLOOOOOOO.....shes what really solidifies the team tbh like they were starting to really bond and work together she really clicked them all in place they lover her so much oh my god......they all try to give her the childhood they could never have and it's their worst fear soemthing will happen to her or them and they wont be around for her anymore esp party they lie awake thinking about what would happen......and ghoul always tells him theyre all doing the best they can for her and shes clearly happy but still they're so scared.......dr d tells them theyre proud of how theyve raised her and they cry omg......and ALSO. another epic kyrslee hc is that the girl is actually closest w kobra. he takes her out on the motorcycle all the time [he makes her wear the helmet dw] nd shes the only one allowed to call him silly nicknames like kitty or whatever......ghoul tries it and kobra maims him <3 kobra is like here ill kiss ur scrape better and ghouls like wheres my kiss tf.....and kobra covers the girls ears and is like whores dont get kisses. and ghoul is so mad......partys like ill kiss u :] and ghouls like No. Ur Goddam Brother Better Give Me My Fucing Smooch. but yea the girl is their babie they LOVE HER........jet teaches her [and ghoul] to read and it's very sweet and party let's her paint and draw on the walls and compliments her and sticks her drawings up everywhere......they renovated the pantry to be her little room but soemtimes she sleeps in one of their rooms yknow she loves them.....n they lvoe her i cry........

um.......i might stop here this is so long and if i start on the romance n shit this will get unbearable but yes 💖

[duskrelyk]

tw suicide:

ya know i was just reading a post that lists reasons not to kill yourself

and maybe some of you know this, but i had planned for a about a year before i graduated high school that i would kill myself the night of the day i graduated

but i didnt, bc we were gonna go on vacation right after, and i waited

and then i was gonna go on a trip with an ensemble i was in, so i waited some more

eventually i didnt feel so bad anymore

but then something happened in freshman year, and it affected me so badly that i was gonna kill myself

but then i got a knock on my dormroom door from my ra so i stopped and answered it

and they talked to me for a bit

and i went to therapy

and after a bit i didnt feel so bad anymore

...

there have been several times since then when ive strongly considered killing myself

in fact, i wanted to as recently as a few days ago

but i was tired

i was gonna sleep and do it later

but then i didnt

and like

on the list that i read, one of the reasons was smth like "one day youll get past this and youll be so glad youre alive bc of all the new things you got to do"

and yeah

every time i couldve done it, and didnt, something good happened after. maybe the next day. maybe a few months later. but like, they definitely happened

and one of the reasons was smth like "you cant listen to music if youre dead" and damn if theyre not correct

music is everythinf to me, i dont wanna just stop experiencing it

and ik yall are probably tires of hearinf me talk about stray kids, but if i had died after graduation, in freshman year, etc i wouldnt have ever heard stray kids music, the music that gives me the most joy rn and mwans the most to me

and if i die any time soon, i wont get to hear their new music either

and its coming soon, so im sure i can manage until then

and maybe ill have something to look forward to after that, too

ig ill never know what i wouldve missed until it happens

and ik this post was long, and ik it was a lot, and ik i definitely overshared but

like

fuck, i might be overwhelmingly sad rn, but damn i dont wanna die

is it weird to say i wanna stay alive to hear their new music? is it weird to say i wanna stay alive so i can finally open the package that holds my skzoo plushies? is it weird to say i wanna stay alive to maybe see them in concert someday?

if it was somebody else saying that, id tell them theres no reason too small or too stupid or too weird to stay alive

because one reason is enough. no matter how small it may seem, if it keeps you here, then its the most important reason to you, and so its important, and so are you

maybe one day ill believe it about myself

[blookmallow]

uhHH well i finished rusty lake roots... there are still many things i do not understand but wow that sure was. a lot 

-----

oh. ohhhh i was right 

albert did get into voodoo

i mean really if you have enough blood to write a sentence with it i think thats more of a “there is blood” scenario but i guess that’s just semantics really 

anyway uhhHHh that happened,

oH god what the fuck ok apparently mary’s dead now too

i dont know what killed her other than like, old age, maybe. shock?? could’ve been a heart attack if she. saw what albert did to his brother and ida 

:( 

the kid with the glasses Was emma’s son and she Did commit suicide in her grief when he went missing 

still dont know where he came from in the first place but nevermind 

what the hell kind of egg is that (the second thing. the first thing is a potato) 

oh

it’s. it’s that kind of egg, isn’t it. 

is that what that looks like???? i was under the impression human “eggs” are like, microscopic, like you can’t visually see individual sperm cells and i couldn’t really find a clear answer trying to look this up and got kinda freaked out about it anyway (pregnancy/uterus functions fuck me up sdfgggh) but 

APPARENTLY, AFTER MURDERING HER (AND HIS BROTHER) ALBERT HAS DECIDED TO HARVEST IDA’S EGGS FROM HER BODY AND CREATE HIS OWN FETUS SOMEHOW HIMSELF 

I DONT THINK THATS HOW THAT WORKS BUT UH. ALBERT???? WE NEED TO TALK 

god fucking damn it i liked him so much and wanted to understand him and i still think it’s heavily implied he was abused and/or bullied by his siblings and he’s definitely mentally unwell and definitely had some kind of rivalry going on with samuel, definite “wants what he has” situation but 

i guess “murdered his brother and his wife, apparently harvested eggs from her corpse to Make A Child With Her after she rejected him” is uuhhhh not really redeemable is it :’   ) god 

or im not sure if she actually rejected him or if he ever made any advances on her in the first place but. definite “she belonged to me/should have been Mine” possessive behavior ramped up to 11 

i still think he needed Help and maybe wouldn’t have turned out like this if he got help and had support from his family but my god what a. series of events that was  

also this guy keeps showing up everywhere. i dont know what he is but i like him even though he may be some kind of shadow of impending doom or a personification of death 

BIG fan of the implication here that i may in fact have been a ghost the whole time, subtly influencing the events of my own family destruction in an effort to sacrifice them all to resurrect myself 

is that what all this is. did all this happen because william was haunting everybody trying to get the pieces to revive himself. was this man willing to destroy his entire family line for the chance to live again 

oh FUCK THE KID’S STILL ALIVE 

HE DIDN’T DIE IN THE WELL HE’S JUST BEEN LIVING DOWN THERE THIS WHOLE TIME. OK

how did nobody hear him calling for help or anything... 

guess what

i fucking killed the hand again 

apparently albert also knows about this??? and never told anyone??? fucking why??????? he doesn’t seem to be Using the dude for anything, there doesn’t seem to be any reason to keep him down here unless it’s just some fucked up revenge thing on his sister 

also i dont think it was albert’s hand that i stabbed Again bc he’s not bleeding when he shows up but 

is he the one who has been keeping him alive?? why. what purpose is served in keeping him alive if he’s not using him for anything. if hes just trying to get back at his sister why not just kill the guy or leave him to starve down here. Albert What The Fuck Are You Doing 

hey buddy!!!!! its u!!!!

i was wrong it seems like mr. crow is not a voodoo curse victim but is actually probably the first vanderboom brother. the not william one. i forgot his name :’) and i still definitely think william’s going to become mr. owl

i found this picture later (it was shown before but i didnt remember) (also has. puzzle stuff on it but anyway) its definitely the same suit thats it isnt it 

i dont want to go searching for the pic of the other brother and the one of mr owl bc ill probably just find spoilers if i do that but Hm. hmm.

is this how the revival ritual works. do u become a bird. is that why everyone else at the hotel was animals too

that would mean the brothers have already done the ritual once though and would’ve needed a bunch of sacrifices to do it before so maybe not 

albert’s bizarre science experiment child seems to be living at the house now, which i was gonna say “how the fuck did he explain this to his family how is she just Here Now” but then i realized i think she and albert might be the only ones left now 

ida and samuel are dead, emma is dead, mary and james are dead, leonard isn’t dead but i think he might be... out fighting the war at this point 

also that dog is still here and i didnt previously question why the cup was called “cup with liquid” and not “water” and i really, really wish i didnt know the answer to that mystery 

try to guess how this dog provided liquid. the answer is not blood 

rose helped frank get out of the well, not sure if she knew why he was down there in the first place or that he’s her cousin, and. well 

:( 

sorry things had to be this way, bud

digs up my entire family’s remains to make one hell frankenstein skeleton

sure 

o fuck i did it i got all the things

i like how some of these are like “gouge out an eyeball” and then there’s like “cut off some hair” 

some of this family suffered more than others for this ritual, shall we say

theres probably Reasons for each of the parts though like, frank’s hair grew super long from his years in the well, so while the removal of a lock of hair itself wasn’t really a Sacrifice/suffering on his end its symbolic of what he went through

william’s the one being revived so it makes sense to use his heart

eyes could be... Too Late To See The Truth about albert or something, ida was a fortune teller so, Inner Sight or w/e, also a pair of eyes taken from a couple

emma died from her grief so we have her tears

james... died from drinking the elixir? so indirectly his tongue could symbolize that?? i guess???

rose means red, she was born through murder, she got her bio mother’s red hair, we have her blood 

albert could be seen as a mastermind behind a lot of these events, and a lot of this was caused by the mental illness he never got help for, so we have his brain

leonard lost his foot in the war

the only one i cant figure out is mary’s teeth, i have no idea what that one could mean unless she Did die of old age and “teeth falling out” is meant to symbolize that

theres.... three teeth and she had three children? i have no idea 

anyway DONT LIKE THAT AT ALL 

hm. unpleasant 

the other brother Confirmed to be mr. crow but its still possible mr. owl is Not in fact william but he could be talking about future william when he Becomes mr. owl, maybe 

this is such a mess ok so william was reborn as a baby, the grandchildren looked like they were consumed by the roots but we see rose holding the baby so at least she’s still alive (and probably the boys too if she is) 

and this process also created the seed which planted the tree so... william’s death and subsequent rebirth also created the family tree?? i guess?? so his family was brought to ruin one by one possibly through him influencing events from beyond the grave, all to revive him, which started the family in the first place, and there’s definitely a lot of... “all time is one/timelines can be altered” not direct Time Travel but just sort of. time as a nonlinear web that the original vanderboom brothers seem able to transcend 

hm! hm. theres still. so much i dont understand but i have at least one more game left im not sure if the other things in the bundle are related to rusty lake or just other things by the same developers 

[boybandsim]

leafeana replied to your post: 

WAIT i was just scrolling through your blog cause im hungry for content and saw this again and realized you asked what version i was playing? which i dont remember answering whoops

im playing it on pc! which is great bc then i get to mess around with mods (like the one that gives cindy some real clothing lol) but its also got its downsides since my computer is definitely not a gaming computer, which means graphics take a serious hit and lagging isnt uncommon

im...not sure if its royal edition?? I think windows edition has all the features of royal edition, although im not completely sure. I think luna has a cutscene in Insomnia thats only in royal edition, so once im there ill be able to tell. technically im in Insomnia now but ive time traveled back and it might be a while before i push on to the finale. after dealing with Altissia --> the start of Insomnia linearly i wanted some time to chill with the bros and pretend

everything is fine for a while. it has been a WILD ride for sure and yeah I haven't even started up any of the dlc yet! theres so much content!! ive been practicing playing as the other bros during medium-hard combat which has kept it feeling really fresh too. also its hilarious just blasting bad guys with a bazooka while the other people are in there swinging around swords and knives. and i haven't done any of the crossover quests yet, which seem big and exciting!

ill be forever sad that i missed the assassins festival but theres definitely plenty to do that I'm excited for. and im getting really into the fishing!! charmed is definitely the right word like..its not perfect at all but this game is so genuinely endearing with its characters personalites and development and its themes and music as well and it really does some things SO well.

god okay this is a lot of words. sorry for rambling and for the late reply! no one i know plays this game or has much interest in it so youre getting all my bottled up enthusiasm

PLEASE DO NOT EVER APOLOGISE FOR RAMBLING SEND ME AS MUCH AS I LOVE WORDS AND THOUGHTS AND TALKING ABOUT FFXV DUDE <3333 also literally no worries about late replies or replying at all im forever shit at them myself i get it bro nw nw nw

hell yeah pc is royal edition with a bunch of other shit and the dlcs (bar ardyn) incorporated, dont worry, also i would die for that one cindy in a decent outfit mod i know the exact one youre on about LOL (also i can recommend you some other mods if u like!!)

if i can share some knowledge with you right quick cuz i had the same problem and wouldve died to have someone tell me i went from barely 20fps on a good day to being able to run multiple programs with ffxv in the background; specialk is a very quick install and majorly helped with multithreading; otherwise for the in game options are using low resolution texture pack (assets option); shadows look near visually identical on the lowest option compared to the highest; all nvidia effects can be turned off with no significant graphic change; turning off anti aliasing entirely genuinely makes the game look better for me; i can post my full settings if itll help you and ive also read through a few tutorials for modding around lag so i can try and help you with that, i do get pretty major lag spikes though and frequently find it near impossible to stream/record, but i manage to nail that 60fps on average if im solely running ffxv with a few cut corners like those

also dont blame you with altissia, ngl i boiled through the story rollercoaster right quick after exploring most of the open world before even touching altissia and ended up ignoring all postgame content for starting a new save immediately and replaying just to get that hangout time in the open world that wasnt just go-back-in-time-through-magic-dog. but i feel you so hard dude i just want more of them chilling. literally i have 300 hours in this game already and i know half of those have been using the car listening to tunes LMFAO

yeah the crossover quests are funnn the one with terra wars is sweet and the ffxiv one is SO funny its literally hysterical i was roaring with laughter a couple times!!! and good on you practising i didnt touch any of the extended combat until my third save and yeah honestly if you want to do the postgame menaces those skillsll come in useful, its funny because the maingame bosses arent that hard but the postgame is mental. but yeah i love blowing shit up with proms bazooka it fucking rules nerds can keep their swords

ALSO SAME... i wanna play the promptis date so bad!! i wanna play episode duscae so bad!!! wanna play the platinum demo with baby noctis so bad!! knowing theyll never be ported kills meeeeee. sad & upset but as you say theres so much to do and the dlc honestly offer so much im still finding shit i havent done and ive spent a year playing already

honestly so much of this game for me is literally just booting it to go hang with the guys its really relaxing lmfaooo... hiking around with these goofy dudes. sometimes i just wanna chill with the anime boys. YEAH literally its sweet and charming and then fucking heartbreaking and even though the writing is hammy as hell im honestly so willing to forgive it. not only for the clear amount of care and love that went into specifically building the guys relationship (which anyone knows is the best and most realised part of the game) but the details and amount of lore you can uncover if you take a step and interpret a little. maybe thats too generous a statement for what was an executive nightmare and critically underdeveloped but i grew up on ffxiii and knowing the versus 13 lore and that ffxv was part of that extended canon im satisfied with it being another side to that story and running with that. i think supplemented with its additional content years after release ffxv isnt a complete experience but enough of one to leave an impact or at least it did majorly for me! ive been obsessed.

OMG sorry im nerding too its all good lol just genuinely i love this game and its hard to find people talking about it these days but i really had such a good time and still am continuing to and i love it fuck it ball hard

real shit though it has the best fishing minigame of all time hands down nothing has come close fuck the haters

[dawnowar]

It’s Labor Day

I have today off and no plans and no plans to make any or get any really. I may go look at something. I went and looked at stuff last weekend and it did my soul a lot of good. 

I’ve done a great job doing nothing with nobody so far and I don’t feel like I should blow that now. The rest of America didn’t make it past the first month and just decided to breathe on each other pretty much and get the coronavirus and then people die or whatever.

Looks like the dire predictions all came true but now we are on the other side no one cares unless their Dad died. I seem to know a good amount of people who’s fathers have died. I guess theres all kinds of people of every description dying but my own experience at this moment is seeing posts from people who’s Dads have died.

I suppose i could be less strict since I am not immunocompromised and just go out and do stuff like everyone else. I’m fully aware I am putting these limitations on myself, but truth is that i’d spent the previous year or two scaling back from knowing everyone everywhere all the time and not having any substantive relationships with any of them, because it wasn’t satisfying. And because stuff happened. And when stuff happened to me, I never had any backup. No one ever took my side on anything ever. 

I could go into details but these are beefs I had that are two and three years old now in some cases and even I can’t recall all the specifics, just that people let me down when I needed them. People close to me. Or people i thought were close to me. or people I thought might become close to me. 

Let down by almost everyone more or less. As I said, the specifics are lost and the point has passed on so much of this, and that combined with my work families getting me sick all last Fall, because they dont care if they get me sick or not.... I didnt just shut down my business w coronavirus. I shut down everything.

And it was a relief. and im not sorry for any of it. 

Before coronavirus....I’d pretty much stopped going out and stopped going to see bands unless it was my friends bands. I still have some of those. Had some. I dont know whats what now since im not around. I’m that one girl you see when you go out. So everyone knows me and no one cares about me after they go home.

I’m not saying this to make you feel sorry for me. I don’t feel sorry for me. But that’s the reality of my life. Or it has been. With the Covid I’ve taken notice of who has checked on me, asked me to do stuff, kept in touch and who hasn’t. 

It’s not a surprising list.

So I keep to myself because ultimately i think i just want to. 

I’m not in any hurry to get infected with a thing that may or may not kill me or the people I’d spread it to. But i’m also a lot older than most of my friends and I may be ready to hang up my rock and roll lifestyle.

I mean ill always be rock and roll, but I’m old people now and that might be fine too. I don’t know how to act my age. I never did. I’m convinced its a trap. But i’ve only drank 2x since March and I probably didnt need to either time. I’m spending way less money and im enjoying the challenge of living life without bars and clubs and shows.

I’m only just scratching the surface of figuring out what other kind of life I could lead. 

Before Covid I was definitely feeling dissatisfied with my social life, and I wasnt enjoying my work the way I used to and I was starting to think what else I could try next.

Covid-19 lockdown wasn’t even close to any of the ideas I was starting to dream up. Working from home and never going anywhere or doing anything with anybody. But its a change and I needed one of those for sure.

Once i got the work-at-home job, I was able to stop living in survival mode and shift to figuring out how to be comfortable here in my house a lot more than I ever meant to be.

I love my house and it always was a comfortable place for just me to be by myself, so its really just adjusting for this new life where i stay home most of every day. 

Need to get the exercise thing sorted out. I’m having trouble being motivated to walk around the neighborhood anymore since ive seen it and it bores me now. But I’ll figure out something. Its getting cooler now and I think every season poses its own challenges for outdoor exercise. i may never find one thing that always works for me. I may need to constantly change up what im doing. 

Which is a bummer because I love Jazzercise. I’ve done it for years and it’s the only exercise i’ve ever really stuck with.  It’s still happening and I see the instagrams but no fucking way am i going to stand in a small room breathing hard with a bunch of ladies, some of whom support trump and probably are not wearing masks or socially distancing at all. Its safe to assume no one is really at this point in time regardless of their political opinion. I see my liberal atheist friends posting selfies with their friends at parties all gathered together. No one is really doing social distancing anywhere in America as far as I can tell. 

I see infractions constantly which I would outline but I don’t want to be the mask police. I just accept that no one is really doing this. So I’m staying away from everyone till theres a vaccine or a cure or a treatment best I can. 

Which leaves me with outdoor activities.

Never been my thing, and with the summer humidity ive been avoiding all of it. But It’s labor day now and things are cooling off. Truth is that every year when everyone starts putting on flannels and Im still wearing summer clothes because I’m finally comfortable, theres a couple of weeks of what i think is nice weather to take advantage of, so I’m gonna aim to do that.

I don’t know what happens after it gets cold but I’ll figure it out then. Ive always loved outdoor ice skating rinks. Maybe I’ll be able to skate. 

I didn’t get to go on my vacation last year to Chicago because one of the families i worked for got me sick. I meant to skate the ribbon. Maybe i’ll do that this year. 

[kookaifoundation]

i should write my feelings down in the journal i got for that specific purpose so i can organize them enough to explain them to my therapist in under an hour but thats not about to happen so you will all be subject to my pathetic attempts to gather them in one place LOL

i am so sick of being surrounded by shit i hate and feeling compelled to keep it there because some unseen force says i Have to or makes it so that i dont have the energy to remove it..... like as i type this my family is making their fucking mouth noises and they never ever seem to stop. i dont even hear words nor do i regard it as talking anymore. the simple act of hearing certain voices and sounds causes me pain and so does too much light or my hair drying the wrong way and feeling bad or seeing someone make a stupid expression or BEING LOOKED AT even

i hate all of my clothes and cant bring myself to get up before leaving the house until the last minute let alone put on some shitty outfit that's both masculine enough to keep my family from bothering me about why i'm wearing "girl clothes" and pleasing enough to keep me from crying when i look in the mirror. even then the fabric probably feels horrid and i want to take it off the moment it goes on. but i wear it anyway.

i hate what im studying. at this point looking at monitors makes me want to die. computer science is obviously great for that! you know what it's also great for? inclusivity! if i manage to get a job i'll feel amazing surrounded by white cishet men who will without a doubt see me as a woman and get apprehensive and quiet around me because i am black and trans and gay after all! and i sure as hell cant wait until i face discrimination at the hands of whatever stupid fucking algorithm these white cishet men are training to discern between worthy and unworthy human beings!!

i hate my primary mode of communication with people! tumble dot hell is okay since we Are ultra undesirable to advertisers and therefore it is my primary social media but everywhere else is becoming increasingly filled with hate and ads and elements designed to make the platform inhospitable so that your attention will be directed to this other element on the page (usually an ad), or so that youll pay this amount of dollars to get rid of it, or do whatever the hell they want you to do. theyll get what they want. capitalists have REAMS of research on what people do in any given fucking situation and they will use it to get your money!

i hate feeling like i have no rights! my future is up to a set of laws written by people with lives thousands of degrees of separation apart from my own!! will i be allowed to correct legal documents? will i be allowed my hormones? will i be protected from discrimination? can i donate blood? can i use the bathroom? can i reproduce? is it legal for someone to kill me after finding out i have an F on my ID? who knows!!!! LMAO. and even if shit does get better legally who can say my life wont end early due to hate?

and i am so fucking sick of being behind in life in terms of sexuality, in terms of maturity, in terms of experience, in terms of a million other things!! this one is just too much for me so im going to copy and paste what i said about it the first time i got upset about this:

i suddenly feel so bad about it but im so tired of not having control over my own sexuality and sexual development.... like im completely fine with most of my own body and i definitely think i am desirable but i feel like im forever going to be either sexless or an object to other people because of my anatomy and the only way im ever going to be seen as desirable is if you tack an extra clause onto me that reads "*you just have to ignore... That" whether "that" is my gender or my body. and then if someone does see me as a whole being and not just a gender and a body as separate things then theyll want to begin the process of Healing Me or what the fuck ever when theres nothing for me to heal from. i dont need to learn to love my body i already do. i want make fuck NOW there is no shitty emotional component to that. allow me to have power.

and then there's the thing about ANY amount of effort being put into your appearance being female to cis people. i am a faggot i like to dress up and put makeup on but if any cis person sees me like that their little brains get overloaded and they think woman! i want to be beautiful! i am beautiful! i am the most beautiful man in the world! but cis brains CANNOT HANDLE IT and unfortunately they make up the vast majority of people! what the fuck am i going to do! without beauty and control over how people perceive me i feel fucking helpless but i cant have those two things at the same time.