#im so sick of being tired i just want to live my life
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having narcolepsy is like carrying a 200 pound anvil up a flight of stairs, and everyone else has a one pound anvil and theyre climbing stairs like it’s nbd but you’re DYING and sometimes you drop the anvil bc its just too heavy and it lands on your foot, and sometimes you have to put it down, and everyone is like “we all have anvils lmao it’s nbd” and you’re like NO YOU DONT GET IT ITS SO HEAVY and your whole body hurts and you cant do anything else bc youre carrying the anvil. everyone else can hold their anvils in their pockets and do stuff but you can’t. you can’t do anything.
#jaytp#narcolepsy#not to be dramatic its just#sometimes it feels like im dying#im so sick of being tired i just want to live my life#think of all the stuff i could get done if i wasnt so tired??????????#what life would be like if getting 12 hours of sleep meant i felt awake in the morning???????#someone medicate me already come on
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#soo blah blah need to vent again abt my health issue situation 💀#yuh so like im so sick nd tired of whats going on. nd not being able to just eat whatever i feel like whenever#it's emotionall draining tbh. im always thinking abt what i could maybe try nd im always like ohh gotta make sure the portion is small etc#it's annoying me sm bc i can def feel the effects of me not getting the right nd enough nutrients nd vitamins etc etc#i get dizzy nd my vision is hazy sometimes. nd im like forgetful bc the other the when i walked home i kept getting lost nd had to walk back#nd forth several times nd i was like ?!?!? what?! i've lived here for 25yrs nd now i just cannot for the life of me rmbr the way#also i am so weak in my body. like carrying even a small amound or books nd groceries nd walking for 30min makes me exhausted#my legs are actually shaking when i get back home nd every step feels like im walking in cement#plus i just wanna be able to go to the gym nd build muscle. but if i dont get enough protein in me i cant build muscles T-T#what else... yeah also i do miss food bc of comfort. like my coffee + chcolate everyday makes me genuinely happy lmao#but i just want the food situation to be normal bc even w veggies im like oh no that is too gas building that is too hard to digest etc etc#it's mentally gruelling to not know how tf to get all the important nutrients!! i def have several deficiences lmao :((#im so over it. but theres nothing i can do. i wish i could just not think abt it 24/7 tho#also. im the thinnest i've ever been BUT. i am constantly bloated so i look fkn pregnant. so i cant even enjoy looking the skinnier
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well it seems youtube on firefox is no longer letting me play videos in anything higher than 720p, and some its only allowing me to view in 360p. and while duckduckgo's duck player works fine, if i stream it over discord, no audio can be heard on the stream (╬▔皿▔)╯
guess im stuck having other people be forced to stream the videos for me i guess until some tech genius starts having this problem as well and creates a workaround.
fuck youtube, fuck google, fuck every big tech company (and every non-tech company while we're at it), fuck every greedy capitalistic pig who is purposefully making my life more irritating and inconvenient for me just because they can. now where's that damn guillotine
#the nugget speaks#its annoying cause my phone is ALSO having issues it wasnt having before#due to a samsung update#so now i have a constant notification telling me that my data is turned off (i know it is)#and that i have to turn it back on (i dont want to)#and i cant get rid of it#and i spent over an hour with consumer cellular's support#just for them to eventually come to the conclusion there's nothing they can do about it either#im so sick and tired of this life#my bf and i live really far apart (like 15 hours)#so a huge part of our relationship relies on being able to stream videos and stuff online#and im SO irritated that i just cant do this anymore#and every big company out there#is making it harder and harder for us#whats next? is discord going to start charging me for every minute i spend in a voice call?#im fucking LOSING it#firefox is dying on me#duck duck go doesnt have all the features i need#chrome is right out (fuck google‚ have i mentioned i hate google?)
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Gonna b honest. I kinda preferred being actively and pressingly suicidal to whatever the fuck I've got going on now. At least then I knew what I could do to keep myself reasonably safe. Whether I'd do it is another question entirely but at least it was cut-and-dry and made sense. Idek what my brain is doing atp, much less what it needs from me
#like. I think this is mostly the same as I felt before starting the antibiotics but like. kinda worse?#like I don't wanna die I'm just tired of being alive. I wanna make myself live but suffer almost#and it's like. I don't Really want that. but my brain thinks I do and idk how to deal with that#I thought I did bcuz I've been dealing with it literally my entire life but it's like. it feels Different now somehow?#like it feels like now that I know I'm capable of doing it. I almost don't trust my brain to stay in the passive mode?#like im reading too far into my 'normal' thoughts/feelings.#which doesn't entirely make sense bcuz I have 'attempted' in the past. but I didn't actually Do anything ig. just prepared it but didn't do#idk. idk how I'm feeling or what's going on or which meds if any are doing this and I don't like it and I want it to stop#or at least go back to being active abt it so I can say hey listen I'm gonna do this pls take the dangerous stuff away for a bit or smth#idfk man I'm just so fucking sick of my brain. I hate everything it seems to be doing lately. it can't fucking work or cooperate or anything#I'm trying to be nice to my brain since I know there's a lot going on with it but it's like. brother. can you help me out here At All.#armchair speaks#suicide mention#tw suicide mention
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what if instead of messaging me in the middle of the night about your stupid fucking girlfriend and your stupid fucking problems with her you actually act like my fucking friend and message me like how you message everyone else in our group
#bye ignore my venting bigger problems what fucking ever#im sick of her ass she only messages us for us to help her with her fucking girlfriend problems like we arent even friends atthis fckn point#and i love her shes so funny whatever but god shes literally the worst because i just want to be friends i dont fucking care ab her goddamn#selfish ass gf thats shes obsessed with. be obsessed tell me about it but cant we be friends ab other stuff too#we used to be her 'favorite friend' cause we shared so many interests and we hung around what fucking ever but fuck that right#get a gf and just use us to help better yalls relationship without even telling her you're sharing her private msgs w us huh yeah sure#what fucking ever im so done with this bitch and i cant even get my contacts out cause i have long nails and im js poking my eye#AND SHE WOULD NEVER BE SORRY if our friendship fell apart she would tell everyone i was jealous of her gf or what ever i literally dont care#she was like an older sister before i dont get why getting a gf would have to change shit like ok good for u but what ab us#what about me its not even fucking fair like is it that hard to keep up w ur friends?? NO its fucking not#taking me so long to write a post bc im still fucking helping her with her stupid dumb selfish idiotic gf omfg#just BREAK UP i literally dont fucking care just leave her if she makes u unhappy its literally online tf is she gonna do to u nothing omfg#why am i the one being punished when shes the one with the stupid dumb gf that hates her and herself i dont fucking care i js want m friend#and i cant tell any of our mutual friends cause she dont do that to them its js me so itd be like im being dramatic#and like shit i guess i am but i dont care atp thats all she ever talks to me ab like ok i get it i helped u but stop jfc#but if i said that we'd never talk again bc what fucking ever!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! cause im just dramatic whatever#if u cant resolve these simple problems of communication on ur own then maybe u shouldnt be in a relationship idk js my thoughts! die#sry the 1 person who knows what xactly i mean is asleep and im so tired of getting late night msgs being like hii can u help me SHUT UP#id love to help if we were actually still fucking friends but we arent so js leave me alone bruh#post#nickpost#will delete in morning my mom keeps telling me to put my phone down bt i need 2 say smfh 2 some1#i hate change i hate slight differences in my normal day to day i hate everything i hate not having smth to rely on i hate change i hate it#sry im alg now im js sick of her ass js leave bruh#nimbhe my moms yelling im tired anyway i need to js isolate myself forever no problems if im on an island alone#living my best life in the shade drinking idk water or whatever and just talking to myself bc who even needs friends right!!!!!!!!#its 11:11 make a wjsh#adding more cz whatever im deleting this ltr anyway#its so clear where i stand with everyone cause its always close but not close enough friendly but not friends and i guess its the same w her#bye im out of tags etc whatever nobody matching my freak ever never comfortable in any friendships
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oh wow just saw flatmate messaged saying another friend passed smth on like oh okay. I didn't realise he went too u didn't say. in fact none of u said anything to me so that's great
#he lives hours away thats a lot of travel just for drinks#when she asked me she said it was her + one other person. going out for drinks in evening.#but clearly she took the day off work bc ghosts dont do laundry. so it was a whole day trip. so why tell me it was just drinks#unless she just wanted a good excuse for me not to come. okay 👍#i cant even make myself mad abt it like fair enough man. i get it.#and if last weekend is anything to go off she probably wont ask me at all in the future#well as long as they have fun it doesnt matter i guess. im tired of feeling like im just intruding in everyones lives#and everyone fucking lying like what u say doesnt line up with how u act i can tell its not real im not that fucking stupid#ive dealt with this so many times before average autistic experience im tired of naively believing ppl and then the rug being pulled#sorry for being the way i am and for wanting things and for trying to take up space i give up its not worth it anyway#at least this is giving me smth to feel shit abt instead of just formless malaise. makes it easier to deal with that way#anyway. just need to get my shit enough together to leave the house by 3 so i can pick up this stuff for work#and i can do most of my other chores tmr so thats fine#i hate how much fucking time i waste feeling awful. no wonder other ppl have time to watch n read n create n whatever so much more than me#half of my fucking life is spent in my head trying and failing to emotionally regulate im so so sick of it#i wish i never had to think a single thought again and maybe id be happy#jesus fucking christ. well i need to leave my room soon bc i need to pee im not depressed enough to piss in a bucket just yet#hope i never get to that stage again amen uni was pretty fucking dire#.vent#hate weekends so fucking much what a waste of free time
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Omfg I never actually posted about this but just like 2 days ago I realized that no it is Not normal to experience lightheadedness near daily when I've gone just a little too long without eating
I looked it up and apparently lightheadedness/dizziness CAN be a part of fibromyalgia (which I think I have for a number of different reasons), so like. It all makes sense.
Fuckin fibromyalgia. It's the source of like 95% of my physical problems, I swear. Every Damn Thing can be traced back to it. What a pain.
#speculation nation#'what a pain' haha get it bc chronic pain#frankly speaking the chronic pain part of it isn't the Worst. it's only a few times a month that i get my arm and leg aches#(though sometimes ill have bouts that last longer. like in january i think when i had arm aches for over a Week)#then again my rib cartilage inflammation is a permanent thing. my ribs Always are fucked up.#and i dont know 100% that it's bc of fibro but this condition has been linked to fibro and it didnt go away with anti-inflammatories So#in the end the pain isnt my biggest concern for treating my fibro. aside from the frequent headaches. i Would like to counter those.#what i really need is help with my chronic fatigue and weakness spells#i hate how fragile i feel so much of the time. bc im NOT weak. for my size im actually surprisingly strong.#but im quick to tire and if i push myself too hard then im practically bedridden#i will literally get symptoms of sickness if im too fatigued. including nausea and coughing and headaches#all fixed after ive gotten some rest. so im not Actually sick.#im tired and fed up with how finicky my body is and how i have to eat on time always or i'll be threatened with passing out.#havent passed out Yet but ive had some times where i end up Having to sit bc i get tunnel vision and my scalp is prickling#and it feels like my brain is squeezing and i know i Have to sit down Right Now#idk. there are many things like this. and i am sooooo tired of it.#i want a fibro diagnosis so i can actually get some help for the things that make life so hard to live.#im not depressed im just chronically fatigued. and so very tired.#give me some Energizing Meds or smth. help me please 😭😭😭 i hate living like this 😭😭😭😭😭#i wanna be able to do things without being bedridden for the rest of the day 😭😭😭😭 please 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭
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when jane dies, the government recovers her body without anyone’s knowledge in order to study it and do their own experiments. she had a funeral, was lowered into the ground, but no one knew she wasn’t in the coffin. her body was removed in the morgue and replaced with a fake, just like will’s. pieces of her are sent out to various facilities, her organs, eyes, brain, etc are separated for research purposes. overtime, pieces of her get lost in transfers, small fragments like a tooth or strands of hair, but all still janessa ives. even in death she can’t be left alone. after about six months, sam owens discovers the truth of what happened to her body, and always a big advocator for jane to live a normal life, does his best to track down what remains of her body. in the process, he, and his people succeed in shutting down some of the facilities that illegally claimed possession of her. within a few months he salvages as much of her as he can; it’s not everything, but it’s majority of what’s left. he does tell those who were closest to jane, so they can have a proper burial. she’s instead buried in a mausoleum, both out of respect for what she did in her life, and a further layer of protection for her in the afterlife.
#study‚ in my dreams it's all real and my heart has so much to reveal.#organs mention /#body horror /#death mention /#i was watching a documentary about grave robbing a little while back and.#this is what i came up with </3#makes me sad as hell but.#this could easily happen to her body lbr.#and depending on when she dies. owens would be much older.#but he would be so determined to help her even in death that age wouldn’t even matter.#doesn’t matter if he’s withered and tired. he needs to get her back together.#im always conflicted about whether i want jane to die in her late 30s after being sick for a few years due to her abnormal body genetics#or to live a full. good life.#i change my mind about this basically every single day rifp#but just the idea of people always keeping tabs on her. always knowing where she is. makes me depressed.#she thinks she's living some kind of normality. but never really is.#(and i hc that when jane dies she becomes a ghost. because of her links to the upside down she can never properly move on.#so she's just always haunting hawkins.#so she sees her body being removed from its coffin and taken away and. can't do anything!#why do i come up with shit like this!!!)
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#i <3 wanna fucking die <3 all the time#all the god damn time i wish i could just kill myself im so sick of it#but noo bc that's like not good in theological terms nooo my best friend would be fucked up noo i cant cause even#more stress to my family but im so fucking tired and done#lifes been exhausting as shit and im sick of it#and on top of all the fucking health issues this useless piece of shit body is going to hell too#like great!! great! abled ppl can often barely manage to make it by in this country and economy or they#get so fucked by work they become disabled lmaoo i already fucking am#i dont want to even fucking try. i dont even wanna try. most of this life has been pain and mystery and wanting to die!#and feeling like im fucking suffocating#and i can go on and on abt how oh u know u live for the little things life is pain inherently it is what it is and whatever but i just#wanna god damn fucking dir#the years of my life when i was the least physically sick were spend being abused and being fucking exhausted to hell and back#now im almost 24 and ive what. barely managed to finish a univerity with a useless degree which in my parents eyes means basically#nothing compared to what i was supposed to do#its too fucking late for anything im too fucking old my health is too bad and i dont have the fucking energy to#do this shit enough to even just get bt much fucking less have it be anything that id even 5% wanna live for
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if my life doesn’t get better in two years, I think I will join the 27 club lollll
#I am so tired of being sad all the time no matter what j try and do to fix it!!!!#in 2 years I will have my masters and if life doesn’t look up by then then….#I am so tired of living here I want to move away and travel and romanticize my life#I am also so sick of all the friends I have where I live like I have absolutely outgrown them and i’m tired of being too nice and treated#like dirt#my bday is in 3 weeks and I have no idea what to do for it and I feel lonelier than ever!!!#I don’t want to spend time with my ‘friends’ bc none of them get along and there’s always stupid drama!!!#id rather be alone than feel lonely in a room full of ppl on my special bday but I also don’t want to literally be alone and do nothing!!!!#I am throwing a fit#I love my bf to death he is so perfect but I miss having a solid group of friends#like we’ve all drifted it’s all forced and no one’s happy#and I am the only mature one who is willing to grow it is EXHAUSTING AHHHH#tbh im just rly upset bc it just hit me like a train how lonely I am lol#I guess that’s normal for 25 right? that’s just adulthood I guess?#god#I have outgrown my town and everyone in it! and I am tired of feeling trapped here!#and I am tired of being too nice for other ppls benefit! when is it my turn to have all the attention on me for once????#personal
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#i hate this. i hate this feeling so much#tired of feeling this way and im tired of being tired and i just want to be plucked off this earth and never seen or spoken to again#i never feel content with community i always feel im hated and i always feel i don’t belong with anyone i try to be friends with im fucking#sick of it. im nobody’s friend im just some asshole who exists and makes everyone’s lives harder#i feel empty and awful and everything at once#what am i gonna do. i have the rest of my life ahead of me but i always just want to leave where i am#i can never feel home because who the hell is going to want to be there with me
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#why do i even try anymore im so fuckiny tired#chronic fatigue the depression just gets worse#my meds aren't doing enough and a dose increase won't fix the trainwreck that is my life anyway#i'm so tired.#it all hurts so bad#i'm tired of living in a world that so clearly doesn't want me in it#there's nothing about life that is worth living#and i'm sick of being here#vent
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my dad might have fucking covid. about to jump off a bridge
#purrs#he was unmasked in my future room with the contractors yesterday and one of them woke up sick this morning and stayed in bed all day and now#my dad is feeling sick and my mom isn’t even better yet and i just saw so many people (WHO ARE VULNERABLE / HAVE VULNERABLE FAMILY MEMBERS)#in the last couple of days and now i might have exposed them. i am about to LOSE my shit. i need all respiratory diseases to die immediately#i am TIRED of living in constant fear. and i am FURIOUS at my dad for not wearing a mask.#like do you people NOT FUCKING GET IT. You may be cavalier. you may say you don’t care if you get it you can fight it off. BUT YOU INTERACT#WITH OTHER PEOPLE. who may not WANT to get sick. Who may not be able to DURVIVE getting sick. WHAT IS SO HARD TO UNDERSTAND. if you see#someone wearing a mask they are doing that FOR A REASON!!!! TO PROTECT THEMSELVES!!!!! TO PROTECT THEIR LOVED ONES!!!!! so fucking WEAR ONE#OUT OF COURTESY! USE YOUR FUCKING BRAIN! i don’t care if they’re hard to breathe in. I don’t care if they’re uncomfortable. I don’t care if#it’s your own house and you’re not used to it. SUCK IT UP. you can be uncomfortable for five minutes. you KNOW how anxious we all are about#getting covid and you DIRECTLY endanger us and now i might have put other people in danger. and i didn’t even choose it I didn’t do anything#wrong. FUCK COVID. fuck this collective punishment nightmare. I am SO TIRED of living in constant fear because OTHER PEOPLE want to pretend#it’s over. it fucking ISNT. there are things I care about. there are people I care about. and if you were a decent fucking human being you#would understand that and MASK UP. not everyone gets to be so glib about it. it’s hard enough being seen as fucking insane and still taking#damage from having basicaly 0 social life because im too afraid to go anywhere or do anything it’s harder when people around me who i can’t#help but interact with exhibit that they do not actually care about how it is improtant to me that i do not get sick or get my loved ones#sick ESPECIALLY when it is my loved one himself who KNOWS how scared shitless we all are. it fucking hurts so bad. fuck covid. FUCK covid.#delete later#like. despair. i can wear my n95 mask all i want but i am still fucking HELPLESS when people around me don’t. despair. DESPAIR.
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i never thought id live long enough to develop an actual real dream or career goal and now that im at a spot where i SHOULDVE developed those things im like. theres no way. ill kick it before i even fully finish developing my terrible brain. what kind of hell world am i living in
#im exhausted all the time and i feel like ill just drop dead after i graduate so im fucking scared all the time on top of the tired#there is no relief. the only relief ive had in months was the fucking derealization episode yesterday and the aftermath of that#made me even more exhausted and sick of being alive#in my next life i hope i live to be old and gray with a million laugh lines and wrinkles from sunny days soent outside#and have so many stories that i could write countless books if i wanted#or if not that i hope i get to be like a dog in an upper middle class household with a terrible name like bleeples
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😶🌫️hm.
#im trying so hard to distract myself#im blasting music in my ears to the point i might end up with tinnitus one day#im replaying some of my favorite songs#im playing my comfort songs#but im ngl im still a bit nervous#the urge to just grab my pocket knife and just. slit my wrist open where a major artery is or smthin or down a bunch of pills is SO strong#im tired of living. im tired of suffering everyday and being too scared to message anyone abt it bc i hate bothering people#not to mention when i finally DO have the guts to msg someone theyre already going through sht and i dont wanna put more on them#its not the first and it wont be the last time that i have the urge to just fuckign kill myself but.#i genuinely just dont see the point in me living.#people on here only see the brighter sides of me bc i only post the best of my days usually#but ive been in an abusive relationship. i have religious trauma. i have trauma from when i was a child that gave me ptsd.#i have serious depression. and i cant even take anti depressants because im on seizure meds.#life has always been nothing but shit and im sick of trying to be positive for everyone only to be called all sorts of names and abandoned#idk. maybe dying really wont be so bad. maybe it wont be painful. i dont know. i really dont.#im typing everything here bc i dont want to post this openly and ik 99.9% of people dont read my tags anyway so its...a nice way of venting#i think.
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#im having like#a really shitty an awful spiral. amd its like. ridiculous. but i feel so fucking awful right now and im so tired and i just want#to go home but like i am home but i just#i just want. im ao fucking tired#its selfish but i just want someone to hold me for a while and fucking. let me cry or something#i dont even.i dont need words im jsyt tired and i need to lie to myself i need to lie to myself#lie until it isnt a lie anymore. lie until it isnt a lie anymore#im just so tired. i just. i hurt and its so fucking awful and i want to cry and its not worth it and some days im just#so sick and tired of being alive#i shouldve died years ago. im so fucking tired#sigh.#vent#tw sui ideation#???#i dont fucking kniw i am doing Bad#i just. i have no regrets in my life — except living at all. i regret that. i regret everything. im just sorry. for everything#its just. so tiring.#everything ive ever done feels like a mistake
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