#im still scared of posting hhh

[caffeinatedopossum]

Apologies

This is a vent/poem I wrote about my mom. I've been thinking I wanted to tell someone these thoughts for a while now but always felt too scared to. I hope you like it. Trigger warning for abuse and implications of death/violence.

I still remember the first time in my life that I didn't accept an apology.

I was 17 and somehow knew nothing and everything about life at the same time.

You said you were sorry, expecting my ever reliable reassurance. Well, not this time.

All I said was "okay".

You needed to know I heard you. You needed to know I didn't believe you. You needed to know everything I tried to but couldn't say with that one word.

You didn't beg for forgiveness, you just kept driving. And your silence said everything because there was nothing there

And that's exactly how you feel

Everything in angry silence.

I couldn't actually tell if you were mad at me or not but I didn't care. I didn't want to care anymore.

Why do I still care about you?

Why do I still want to forgive you?

I thought I knew everything about you at 17. I thought it made sense finally.

Now I look back at my obliviousness with immense fear but also gratitude.

If I'd known then what you did to him, hardly a father but still the husband you chose

You refused to do the logical thing and get a divorce for 13 years

Till death do you part, right?

If I'd known that when you said you would "get rid of me", you weren't really talking about foster care,

I think I would've done the job for you myself.

God knows I tried.

You said you wished I was never born.

Me too.

Me too.

At least he was truly sorry before he died.

[fictionfixations]

going through 2.5

2.5 STORY SPOILERS

trigger warning later of minor character death. shown off screen but is described in a way that could sound horrible to the faint of heart

WHAT

i know i joked in my previous post when going through 2.4 that it sounded like the start of a fanfiction but im genuinely disgusted by this ew i was really fucking tempted to just write a fic where jiaoqiu beats his ass (even though i know hoolay is way more powerful then him) but also 2.5 already came out so i gotta get through the story before i get spoiled

the smart choice would be to do 2. but also fuck you hoolay im doing 1. HHH jiaoqiu's voice sounds so like. stressed. like trying to have composure but you can tell hes struggling a little.

also im sorry but hoolays human form looks so fucking ugly (okay maybe im biased but also FUCK YOU HOOLAY) idk ppl might still simp for him but also fuck you im on jiaoqius side >:(

STOPPP USING THE WORD ALPHA like ive heard it so many times in media im DONE i cant hear it the same 😭

"💀 " "None Can Hurt Me" UHHMSOFJFO i sure hope nothing happens to you buddy but

BURN BABY BURN

what the fuck im scared

wait but so i CAN go try to get help? IM SCARED WHAT HAPPENS. uh. uh. uh. FUCK YOU HOOLAY IM DOING IT

wait if i do this will he die. like the the the npc?!?!??!?! GUYSS

AHAHa.. AHgahah.... im. so fucing nervous

im. ohhhh fuck literal chills. im. should i look at what other options i can do to escape or. im so fucking stressed holy shit. logically speaking if jiaoqiu leaves and the ship gets sabotaged or whatever he could die (both him and npc). if he asks him to send a message then the npc will die. guys i hate this what the fuck

I HATE THAT ITS RED TEXT. okay with acheron it was a little startling but we never got like a warning that OUR ACTIONS have CONSEQUENCES. im so fucking scared

me too man. me too. idont want jiaoqiu to die thoguh what if what we choose changes whether or not he dies in canon im

okay ive talked to everyone. and the warning text for everyone is

the skarskiff(?) guy is just an ordinary person the realm keeping person is not prepared for this kind of emergency and that the cloud knight doesnt have backup (has the same choice options as the realm keeping person of borisin are here and introducing ourself)

also that we're being watched. who the fuck

okay the best option would be to cloud knight. but also is it a good idea? no. but. hiusgh. oh my god i hate this.

IM GOING TO BITE THE BULLET. i dont trust that this will end well for me but the logical option even if i get fucked later is to alert someone. a cloud knight knows what risks and responsibilities they're taking on by becoming one and if they die well fuck man but i REFUSE to just not do anything because that'd be like. playing into hoolays hands which 1. i hate him. 2. as a person who very much values my independence I NEED OUT OF THIS SITUATION

and maybe its what hoolay wants, for us to fail his 'test' but whatever. IM REBELLIOUS. (and probably really dumb)

cant wait to see how this affects story in the future. and also seeing how different choices affect things when i watch other people do this. haha. but predicting that they might not talk to anyone out of fear IM going to talk to someone

uhh im going to introduce myself first. its like how you're meant to share your address first in emergencies or something i think maybe? because if the call cuts out then they can find you quickly (i think your phone can be tracked but it takes awhile its not that easy i think?)

okay i did it. wheres the guy who was watching me i cant remember where he was. is he gone? did he disappear? i acnt tell im so fuckings tressed

nothing happened but. but the cloud knights gone now (presumably to spread the news)

i. do i tell other people ? do i. im. okay im

i only talked to the cloud knight. and then im going to do what hoolay asked. thats it. im not brave or reckless enough to tell eVEryone

HIS VOICE IS TREMBLING for the 100th time i hate this

GUH

I FORGOT THEY HAVE OFFICIAL IDENTITIES PRETENDING TO BE--

oh fuck MY DUMBASS

his voice... AGHH JIAOQIUUU

GO FUCK YOURSELF YOURE NOT THE BOSS OF ME

i knew it. i fucking knew it. IM JUSTIFYING IT TO MYSELF BECAUSE CLOUD KNIGHT YOU BECOME IT KNOWING YOU COULD DIE OKAY. id rather have tried to escape then not at all and prove his racist belief 'right'. okay i know im probably in the wrong because they couldve lived if i didnt do anything and i had a hunch that they wouldve died if i asked for help. but. okay at my core i am selfish. and for all i knew there was a teeny tiny chance that it couldve succeeded

and listen. im quoting twisted wonderland now.

"Zero is zero no matter what you multiply it by, right? But if you take some form of action, that zero could potentially become 0.001. And 0.001 has a chance of becoming 100. In which case, there's no reason NOT to do it." (Book 6 - Chapter 48 • A Sequel Cut Short)

i hate these kinds of mind games.

hoolay fucking yapping and i know we're in a tough situation meant to demonstrate how jiaoqiu's kind of powerless but hoolays just talking about how jiaoqiu will eventually crumble and im just. yeah okay big talk. and like i get that hoolay does have connections still and ppl pretending to be foxians keeping a close eye on everything and genuinely wont hesitate to kill someone but okay i just hate him

god he sounds like one of those people who are like. when you refuse their advances and they go 'oh so youre playing hard to get huh?' and keep going with the belief that we definitely want them or some shit💀

i should pretend. but no i cant. thats not the kind of person i am.

oh shit. yeah okay remind me that maybe this could potentially lead to jiaoqiu dying in canon. i mean. its happened in npc stories before right? like that one person in penacony who we could choose to stop her from falling or let her fall

but fucking OW. hoolay talking doesnt terrify me. and maybe thats why im choosing all the dumb options. but ow.

does he have this pose if we pretend to show weakness? i mean maybe its cause we got hurt and hes exaggerating it and showing weakness then. or maybe it actually hurts like a bitch and he cant help but show reaction.

OMG MOZE

okay actually other idea of jiaoqius plan. contacting someone for help and deliberately being caught so its not suspicious if we go along with his demands too easily (but having another plan to get help thats more secret)

like okay i know it was my choice to try to get help and fucking it up but still canon-like right. although i doubt he'd be okay sacrificing an innocent life so um oops

AHHH FUCKING LITERAL CHILLS. we got jiaoqiu flashback where he was like a healer on the battlefield. i dont think im saying that right i forgot what theyre called. but like remember feixiao mentioning in 2.4 how jiaoqiu healed her, and later became her like main healer or something something i forget the wording

and then it goes black and we hear hoolays voice. i have a little hunch that it might be the thing to stop the lupitoxin's effects starting to fade, nad thus the toxin starting to affect him

hh his voice... :(

yeah okay so let us go

sorry did he just bite someone and they turned into a borisin or did it just get rid of the guys disguise

i wasnt paying attention to who it was. i know it wasnt mok tok (different appearance, also it showed jiaoqiu turning away to not see it and mok tok standing there while that was happening)

its genuinely so confusing trying to tell who is a foxian and whose a borisin cause disguises but i assume its an actual borisin who was disguised...

hes talking to moze but all i can hear is monke from ben's stream (aka moze's EN VA LMFAO)

OH IT WAS A NORMAL FOXIAN

what if he does it on jiaoqiu but then they figure out how to turn jiaoqiu back to normal and learn how to cure feixiao. right? right??? probably not but im so stressed

HOLY SHIT JIAOQIU. he sounds so.. wrung out. exhausted.

acting is fucking 10/10 he sounds kind of unhinged but in the slow still exhausted but with emphasis on some of the words?? like. like he still has fight in him. i dont know how to explain this but its really cool

oh shit does he die now

hooly fucking shit literal chills the text appearing on the black screen actually like communicating in a way to us and helping us get an idea of whats going on

okay major manga spoilers for demon slayer. but here is my next prediction: he has poison in his blood that will affect the borisins if they drink it, like how shinobu kocho had like a shit ton of wisteria in her blood (it was also under her fingernails and shit like that, she put it EVERYWHERE) so that when douma (who killed her sister) ate her he'd be poisoned and severely weakened

AM I RIGHT??

I. FUCKING. KNEW ITTTTTT

okay well it was pretty obvious because right before it mentioned the green peppers(?) thing and how to get a picky child to eat it, it re-mentioned that conversation. and then changed it how to get a wolf to something something i already forgot so it was obvious

but JIAOQIU LETS GOOOO i really hope you didnt die

no wait but shit

okay so i cant share any more images i hit the limit on tumblr but okay so if he consumed poison (ist tumbledust. i already forgor. was it like the thing thats like a sedative thats good in small quantities but lethal in large quantities? or was that like yabruh or something)

does that mean he'll die anyway or

i dont think jiaoqiu said it in front of hoolay but anyway im so unhappy that cutscenes lag for me (hoolay immediately clocks on that it was probably jiaoqiu who poisoned him but sdhfuf. this MEANS that hoolay drank JIAOQIUS BLOOD?!?!?!?!? is he DEAD??? )

also i HATE the hoolay fight im struggling so bad ahuisdhdisuad

YANQING LETS FUCKING GOOOOOO (boutta trigger hoolays jingliu trauma)

im sorry for accusing you of being a disguised borisin, sparkle traumatized me ok (and im sorry for pinching your cheeks in 2.4 being cautious of if you were a fake but also i didnt know that was what that option meant)

you were just acting really weird so i got stressed but LETS GOOOO

WHAT WE'RE FIGHTING HIM AGAIN????? YOURE FUCKING WITH ME

oh shit feixiao boss fight

heyy her character. trailer?? i think thats what it was called teased this. like cause she got drunk and couldnt recognize jing yuan and fought him (briefly)

YANQING FUCKING POPPED OFF THIS STORY

i (think) all thats left is feixiao boss fight that we saw in the livestream

some stuff. ill do wardance later. but im gonna end this post here. havent gotten to the end but i dont think ill have anything else to share and i dont have space here anyway so brr

OH FINALLY I CAN ACCESS DIFFICULTY MODES

AND YOU CAN CHOOSE THEM WHILE IN STORY OH THANK FUCK casual mode my precious

okay we figfhting preceptor oh

dan heng: the oath of the alliance doesnt matter to me because im not a part of the alliance anymore *attacks*

me using imbitior lunae dan heng in battle: uh. uh. uh. uhm. YEP

anyway jiaoqius alive (he almost died though)

he sounds so more subdued :(

HOLY SHIT HES BLIND? OH MY GOD thats both better and worse than i thought

OH MY GOD TINGYUN

i was so confused on ruan mei appearance but OH MY GOD

[cringemesstickles]

Headcanons? I heard you bro))

(Btw not on the topic but I LOVE how Sam sometimes finds Dean funny, bc Dean can just talk random shit or make a bad pun and SAM WOULD CHUCKLE AND ITS LIKE THE CUTEST THING EVER?)

I can swear on my life that Dean just melts into a puddle when he hears Sam laughing (especially from his jokes) bc apparently Sammy is playing “stoic man” facade

Or after he did something what made Sam laugh he would repeat the same thing like 100 more times

My man will always have this internal monologue like: cmon Sam laugh at my joke so my day would be complete

They always elbow each other, when they are angry, annoyed, while laughing; it doesn’t matter

Dean likes fluttering his fingers under Sam’s neck now and there, making him snicker

I LOVE headcanon ab Sam not minding the tickling but ISTG IF IM GONNA SEE SOMEONE SHOWING SAM AS A LITTLE BABY THAT CANT LIVE A DAY WITHOUT TICKLES IM GRABBING MY AK-47 (you’re good😉)

There were times when Dean and Sam both laid on the bed and tried to tickle each other, while still laying and not getting up; I bet it would be the funniest shit ever; and not like fully tickling, but just squeezing here in there so they were both laughing calmly

(I can literally write 10000 more of them I LOVE THEM UGHHHH)

HHH THIS IS SO REAL!!!

I’m still working out hc formats and what looks the best, so if some of the formatting is kinda confusing or wonky, just bear w me 😭🤚

1. - “I can swear on my life that Dean just melts into a puddle when he hears Sam laughing”

I can swear on both of our lives that you are 100% correct

After Dean will reuse a joke a certain amount of times, Sam will be like “Dean, it’s not funny anymore :/” but then he’ll chuckle a little because it’s still kinda funny 😭🤚

Sam’s laughter is always the highlight of Dean’s day, especially when it’s genuine and not at his expense, but even when it is at his expense, if it gets Sam to laugh, Dean doesn’t mind all that much. 🥲

2 - “They always elbow each other, when they are angry, annoyed, while laughing; it doesn’t matter.”

This one makes my heart swell because it’s just so… them??? Like, elbowing and teasing each other while they’re walking? sob

3 - “Dean likes fluttering his fingers under Sam’s neck then and there, making him snicker”

THIS ONE IS WAY TOO MUCH FOR MY HEART!!! This might be me projecting (again) but I think Sam’s neck would be an absolute melt spot. 😭

Especially when he’s stressed out, fluttery neck tickles just help him relax

4 - “IF I SEE SOMEONE SHOWING SAM AS A LITTLE BABY WHO CAN’T GO A DAY WITHOUT TICKLES IM GRABBING MY AK-47”

HJHKKG IM PUTTING ON A BULLET PROOF VEST BECAUSE I LOWKEY KINDA DO THIS??? HFJGFDH moderately tho bc I like to keep them in character lmao

5 - The entire last hc

This is so cute to imagine 😭😭

I can totally see them doing this as like a way to relax after a rough hunt, or even just for fun.

Sort of a similar idea… they would totally sit across from each other and tickle each other until one of them laughs, and they’d be so damn competitive about it 😭

DHDHDHD DUDE SAME! I NEED TO MAKE AN ACTUAL HC POST BUT IM TOO SCARED LOL

[ddejavvu]

THE URGE TO SAY I PERSONALLY WOULDN'T LET IT SLIDE IS SO REAL- But what happened after? Spill the tea mei 🍵

Okay so, father mei, confession- it's been more than twice and the reason I dont think much about it is because in our friend group, it's normal kiss each other cheeks to part ways or greet each other BUT NOW THAT I THINK ABOUT IT- IM THE ONLY ONE THAT KISSES HER LIPS OMG IM SO GAY- PANICK HOLD ON- HENWOWNWOZKDNWOWNS

(I even kissed her when she was sick cause we hang out in the mornings and she was getting sick. She wanted to drink out of my drink and I knew she did without her having to say much, so i said it's fine if she wants to, I'm not one to get sick and she rejected it because she didnt want me to get sick but I assured her it's fine so she had a waterfall to be sure and I shared my food cause she didnt bring any but then while we were walking, another friend joined us halfway through and they had to leave to get to their place and she was waving back at me and I joked and said, "aw not even a kiss goodbye?" And she stopped in the middle of walking to turn back and give me a kiss 😭) but she also gives me like random kisses, like today while the professor got her shit together because that morning was not her morning, she stopped walking to her seat, gave me a kiss and then continued on.

And the reason I say shes not into me is because since then she has said that shes interested in a different friend, the one I mentioned in the previous post, I mean shes never said anything directly about not liking me but I'm like 87% sure that she's still into that one friend.

But shes also like really friendly with people so its confusing BUT IF I ASK, I THINK I MAY MAKE HER UNCOMFORTABLE.

PLSPLS I THINK (?) YOU'RE TALKING ABOUT THE TAGS ON MY CONFESSIONAL POST WHERE I TOLD THE FATHER I WAS DOING SOMETHING SELF DESTRUCTIVE AND HE SAID 'don't do that' AND THEN MY TURN WAS UP?? I THINK SO?? it was weird. and i was emotional too because i was confessing something very serious obviously and it was not what i had expected LMFAO

baby. she might just be covering up the fact that she likes you. i told my entire seventh grade class i had a crush on a boy when really i had the hots for his girl best friend. people lie.

hhh i'd be scared of asking too but whatever you end up doing i hope it goes well for you!!!!!

[chibidashie]

Hey u dont know me neither do i know u. But one thing i one about is when i see someone hurting.

I read ur vent post, i'll admit i didnt read the whole thing cause hhh attention span go brr. But i read enough to know a bit of context to it.

And i just wanna say im sorry u have to go thru that. Idk how i, a small old blog acct, can help. But i do know words can help in some way since it had helped me in some way.

I wont say much, but i will say this. Proud that your still here, proud that your brave enough to say it. I am proud of you being strong.

And i will continue to be proud of you for fighting your wars.

Hope you have a nice day

anon i am literally going to cry bc i was so scared to post that vent but words cannot describe how much this means to me ;; thank you so much for believing me anon, and its a relief that people even believe me in the first place about the abuse i went through, especially due to the fact that the people who harmed me have large followings on this hellsite and outside the hellsite, like instagram.

[causenessus]

HI LOVELY!! good morning afternoon or evening to you! how’s your day been!! i hope you’ve eaten AND REMEMBER TO EAT DURING UR LONG SHIFTS OR I WILL APPEAR ON UR SCREEN !!! (lovingly) the way i gasped when i read your response because i was just like… YOU DIDNT EAT? :( i was so distraught but i hope whatever u had for dinner was good, but still !! always remember to eat and take care of yourself or the ghost of me will scold u (lovingly again) (nothing but love for you always)

today i had banh xeo for breakfast (tbh at this point i feel like you can guess what nationality i am LMAO) but OMG YOU LIKE VIET FOOD?? WE ARE SO SOULMATES !! TWIN FLAME !! AND OMG THATS SO CUTE I HAVE A VOICE IM HHHH that’s so cute i feel so very honoured but omg yesterday while i was like doing whatever right i had a realization that im literally like mystic messenger right now with the “make sure you eat!!” “how are you!!” like IM LITERALLY A CHARACTER IN MYSTIC MESSENGER RIGHT NOW THATS CRAZY (id be so embarrassed if you didn’t know what mystic messenger is but also would not blame you) ALSO YES WE CAN YAP TOGETHER I LOVE YAPPING BUT IM DEFINITELY YAPPING TOO MUCH LIKE I WANNA REPLY TO EVERYTHING YOU SAID SO IM LIKE HHH YAP YAP YAP me and ness are literally yapper and yapper like im trying to hold back but im here like omg among us??? omg whack dreams??? i wanna know what dreams??? omg school?? i’m school soon too!!

but but one more thing omg i’m so sorry LOL BUT I FEEL LIKE WE’RE IN THE SAME TIMEZONE?? BECAUSE EVERYTIME YOU MENTION THE TIME IN YOUR POSTS i check my time and im like huh.. silly… coincidence, but it’s 4pm for me rn !!maybe im crazy maybe im not but omg when it gets to school you can 100% rant about it because i will 100% do it too HAHA school has me like like genuinely tweaking like one small thing and im like OH MY GOD YOU WILL NOTTTT BELIEVE WHAT HAPPENED TODAY

omg sorry i need to wrap this up but yes try again is amazing don’t doubt yourself and u can always yap to me whenever whenever like i’ll literally make a burner account and dm you instead so we can yap without having to flood your blog or if you don’t mind i don’t mind but mango anon loves you very much and mango anon would want ness to take care of herself forever and always and HAVE A GOOD DAY !!! xoxoxo

AAAAA OMG I AM HERE LIKE 11 HOURS LATER <33 DO NOT WORRY I AM EATING AS WE SPEAK BEFORE MY LONG SHIFT tbh i felt like so nauseous about eating anything though today idk why (i have like two suspicions lmao i def know why) but since i'm working i was like "then i'll just pick something up on the way there!!" so i went to my groccery store to get a sandwhich BUT THEY DIDN'T HAVE ANY </333 so i'm having a blazing dragon poke bowl instead??? and it's okay 😔 like i don't know how i feel yet about groccery store sushi and stuff but i've had it before!! it's just a bunch of spicy imitation crab, cucumber, carrots, and rice and i'm mainly just there for the rice. AND OMG i walked around the store bc i was trying to see if they had liquid death (caffeinated tea i think. i don't like it but i really need caffeine today </3) and they didn't have any and i decided to go back to like their little food section to get bao (you can probably guess my ethnicity too 😭) and i almost got hit bc this man WHIPPED around when i tried to pass him like i literally ducked i was so scared he was about to hit me and that man was STILL not aware of me. ANYWAY SORRY RANDOM STORY YOU AND ME AND VIET FOOD!!! TWIN FLAMES!!

ALSO OMG MYSTIC MESSENGER 😭 BRO I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT 707 LIKE TWO DAYS AGO WHEN THAT WHOLE ANON APOCALYPSE HAPPENED I WAS LIKE "i'm going to go 707 on these people and find out where they live and haunt them /hj" PLEASE I FORGOT ALL ABOUT THEIR LITTLE "remember to eat" messages and everything but it's so cute <33 and YES we will yap together!! i went in to school today although it starts tomorrow to switch up my schedule and going there was HORRIBLE i saw so many disgusting people :/// BUT i have a pretty good schedule now so it has it's pros and cons!!! i just give people dirty looks and accidentally saw "ew" aloud all the time :))) AND IK THAT SOUNDS MEAN BUT LIKE YK HOW PEOPLE ARE and the people that live in my state are all rich privileged kids and it never changes 😭 i see them everywhere AND THEY ALL LOOK THE SAME AND ACT THE SAME AND ARE GROSS

and LMAO A BURNER ACCOUNT I WOULD TOTALLY TAKE IT THOUGH!!! i'd love to talk to you whenever please please please feel free to make one and dm whenever you'd like!! <3 I LOVE SEEING YOUR ASKS THOUGH I LITERALLY WILL BE HAPPY EITHER WAY AS LONG AS I GET TO TALK TO YOU <3 I HOPE YOU HAVE A WONDERFUL DAY TODAY ANON!!

[cerealmonster15]

5!!! (For the fanfic ask thingy)

5-How many wips do you have? What fandoms/pairings are they for?

MMMMMM ok for like actual wips? only one. it is dndads and it's the scam/jodie fic prompt request i got a lil while ago. ive only written a few sentences and im VERY stuck on it but. i am trying LOL

TECHNICALLY i had another dndads [oak/worthy] in the works, it was the first dndads fic i tried to write, but i got stuck and then i got scared and then hermie started Going Through Character Reveals so im not sure it fits anymore LOL. i might still recycle and rework it sometime but for now it's asleep

there are a few like... pseudo wips. ones i dont have docs for but i have written the idea/summaries for in like my notes app and/or posted like sketch summaries. ideas that haunt me but ive been having trouble summoning the writing juices lately. ill link the posts if i can find where i talked about em uhhh

dndads - lovesong[nick/sparrow] angsty fic taking place between s1 and 2 <- most of my rambling for this one is in the tags, sorry about the formatting LOL. i dont usually write angst without a satisfying comfort so this one would hhh be difficult but also the idea haunted me for several weeks i think

twst - kali/sil + jami/azu drama fic and a trey/cater fic [same post]

^stuff i would still consider writing!!!! i just. i have to find my brain 🚶again

[fic asks!]

[sch4r4]

Halloweenie

[carnation-damnation]

Oh Shit Oh Fuck Here We Go

A man with shoulder-length hair rested a single pale hand on one of the arms of a cross, dug firmly into the ground, a crudely-carved phrase etched into it.

“Despicable creatures, aren't they- Human beings, that is..

I hate them. I hate what they've done. I hate how...quick, they are to judge you. 

I hate that....

That I was one of them, you know?”

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“Would you please stop having dreams in my head?!” A particularly miffed blonde said to his floating companion. “Wh- Oh.”

He'd sure done it this time, hadn't he?

Three nights in a row, similar speech. It was something that you'd expect a centuries-old spirit could stop internalising after a while.

“Like..Jesus...You always have these- these fucked up dreams and then when I ask what's going on with you, you keep your eyes hidden and go 'Oh it's all cool Raimondo!!! I'm just having one of those days!' Would really like an explanation one of these days, Renaicus.” Said spirit wasn't really listening to his tirade, and he was turned away while the grumbling boy was putting on a shirt that was on the floor of his bedroom. Ew. Needs a laundry day...

“Yeah, uh, okay. Sure.”

Soft, yet impatient knocking rapped the door of the blonde's room which made both of the boys turn towards it. The door opened (Why did you knock in the first place...) and Raimondo's freckled, toe-headed sister poked her pretty little head in. “Good lord- You aren’t even dressed yet? I'm not missing the bus again for you, ya know.” The girl left with a slam. She’s not a morning person.

Raimondo, not the type to appreciate being rushed without having a say or ability to give an explanation, only swore to himself while gathering a brush through his long locks about as fast as humanly possible. He didn't even bother zipping up his letterman's jacket as he grabbed his bag and stomped out the door of his bedroom.

Renaicus scoffed to himself. “Jeez..Think the kid could stand to chill out a little.”

The sound of the old, smelly, and garishly-yellow bus pricked Raimondo's ears as soon as he walked out the door, and he couldn't help but let a smile creak through his stoic resting face when his best friend turned around to greet him. “Renae wasn't sure if you were going to ever get up this morning. Said something about a zombie locked in your room, hee hee.” The smile faded and said best friend got a not-so-pleasant noogie.

“Fuck!! Jesus, I'm sorry, man! Her words, not mine!” Raimondo snorted as he dropped the white-haired teen that he held in a headlock. “Did I really deserve a brain blend? Did I really?” The shorter boy undid his now-ruined ponytail, combing it out with his fingers to put it back up.

“How goes it, man? Yer mom doin' okay?” Garret could tell Rai had a tinge of concern in his normally-monotone voice. Enough to make Renae turn around to listen to what the other two were talking about, anyway. “Uh-..Yeah. She's just a bit shaken up, yaknow? It's not everyday you're witness to some... violent assault...” His voice trailed off. “Do they know who attacked them??” Renae's interest was peaked, now. “Nah.. She said that as soon as the dude caught wind he was being watched, he raced off back through the street. The only visual description Ma could get were that he was 'really really tall', and lanky. Like some sorta monster. She estimated wayyyy over six feet.”

“...Sooo, Mothman took a bite into someone's shoulder for his juices?” Garret, vastly uninterested in Raimondo's humour and deathly afraid of bugs, shot him an ugly glare. “Well-- I'm glad she's at least okay.” It wasn't like Raimondo to make light of such a weird and freaky situation, but it was just...One of those things. Inexplicable things that you'd never expect the average person to see. Some freak starts cannibalising another dude in the streets at night and suddenly the whole town gets to talking. He had to make it less freaky somehow. The trio knew it'd only be a matter of time before the town really got suspicious.

That's what they were worried about, at least.

The bus that Raimondo had heard a few blocks away thankfully pulled to the stop sign that the three were standing at, and they all climbed up. Renae shot a friendly wave to the driver as usual, in which the middle-aged woman gave her a warm smile before Renae went to sit. Raimondo didn't waste time-- He trotted to the farthest empty seat and sat at the window, dropping his bag next to him as the universal sign that glaringly says “don't sit next to me”. Garret just plopped into the nearest seat that looked okay. It just so happened to be across from Raimondo.

The cold touch of a ghost's dead hands against the back of Raimondo's neck made him swear loudly. “Fuck! Oh, come on man!” Little airy chuckles rose out of the poofy-haired spirit that followed him around. He took a “seat” on the top of the bus seat, sitting criss-cross-applesauce with his hands rested on his thighs and his face in those hands.

“Mornin'. Forgot to tell ya that.”

“Not talkin' to you.”

“Awe, come on. You talk to me alllllll the time~”

“Not today.”

“Absolutely not today?”

“Sometimes, I wish you'd just mysteriously disappear or vanish into a puff of black smoke, but you know.”

“So...you're not talking?”

“Nope.”

“You're talking right now, Rai. Monologues, actually. Should try out for the Spring play.” “...Fuck you-”

Renaicus let out another chuckle and took his leave through the ceiling of the bus that had finally begun to move. The screech of the mechanics only worsened Raimondo's frustration and he went into his pockets for his earbuds and music player. Stuffing the buds in his ears and the cord into the headphone jack, the blonde finally leaned back and shut his eyes.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

“..That I was one of them, you know?”

Renaicus scratched at one of his arms with his nails. He had a gross feeling in his throat. “..It wasn't like that.”

He couldn't help but say that aloud. Whether it was a reminder for himself or someone else, he had a familiar sense of anxiety that had its hold on his neck. Raimondo was right. He was being ridiculous. Renaicus's been stuck with the kid for the last decade and a half, the least he could do is give at least some sort of explanation for his night terrors.

[neonacidtrip]

Hello?

I’m going to start this off by saying: “Hey, I’m not dead!”

By this I actually mean, I’m sorry, I’ve lost all my social skills (not that I had any to begin with), so I feel very awkward. I’ve been obsessing over this post for,,,,,, a while now, but now that the moment is here, I’m drawing a complete blank.

Short version: I took a bit of a break from social media due to mental health.

Things got very,, overwhelming. For those who don’t know, I have depression and an eating disorder and some other stuff we’re not gonna get into. My social anxiety also went through the roof.

But I don’t want to dwell on the negative. It’s taken a long time, but I’m? in a position where I can look at other things? sorta? I still have my ups and downs. I don’t love myself, but I haven’t woken up in the morning thinking that I’m a waste of space in a long while. I’ve been able to regain the weight I lost without hating myself for it (mostly, anyway). And as I type this, for the first time, my heart isn’t racing at the thought of reviving this blog.

So, that’s what this message is. My hiatus is now a semi-hiatus. I can’t promise I’ll be active. This site still scares me. The idea of getting close to people terrifies me. I pushed away all of my online friends and my in real life friends and on top of that I lost my work friends, too.

But I’m going to try. Who knows how far I’ll get?

Before and during my hiatus, a lot happened. I hurt people. I was hurt by people. Even now, I had to block some people in order to feel safe here again. There are other people I love who have deactivated their accounts who I can only pray are safe and left because of the NSFW ban and not something more serious. To be honest, I’m surprised I even have any followers left, so cheers to those of you who stuck around, and extra props to those that were ride or die enough to read this long, long message.

I want to keep this post as un-triggering as possible, so I’m not going to get into the lowest of the lows. Instead, I want to advise that I’m totally into trying to answer asks and tags and stuff again. I’ll be slow. Things I was asked in the past will probably never be answered, for which I apologize. Trying to catch up on old things will be too overwhelming, but I might answer some of the more recent asks if I can.

So, it brings me great pleasure (and anxiety) on this Friday the 13th to announce that this Chilis is back in business.

Thank you for your time, lovely people

Sincerely, your neon psycho

[andragoras-in-vanity]

hhh just changed my nose ring to the opal stud why do i only have motivation for this at 3 am

[actualbird]

// very vague and unspecific spoilers for basically everybody’s stories everywhere, specific spoilers maybe in linked analyses, obligatory disclaimer that these are just my own opinions and interpretations

character analysis: the nxx boys and “bad things”

okay so ive made a chart and it’s gonna look like A Lot but i swear i can explain myself fully if you read to the end

this chart is visualizing what each nxx boys’ tendencies, behaviors, and actions seem to lead back to.

on the left side, we have vyn and marius. 

i havent played too many of vyn’s stories, but thanks to some discussion with my friend kathleen @miladymiss​, somebody who HAS played a bunch of vyn’s stories, ive come to the vague conclusion that vyn has this general perception and belief that the world is cruel. he has an expectation that everybody has some kind of ulterior motive, that people will cast out those who are not in accordance with the mainstream, that people will hurt others. he does not want bad things to happen to him mostly because he expects that bad things will happen. to counter this, he leverages himself into a place of control more often than not (link leads to a prev vyn theory i wrote about this). 

marius on the other hand seems be the opposite in the sense that it’s actually his hope that people can/will be good that gets him into hot water. he employs facades and acts to protect himself from bad things happening to him (link leads to a prev marius analysis i wrote about this), because lol that actually has already happened a bunch, and yet he still has some a belief that people can change, something that makes him go to many lengths to try and prove.  if vyn expects that bad things will happen, marius does too, but marius, deep down, still wants to be wrong about that. to counter the danger his hope may cause, he puts up walls to mask his sincerity and true self.

vyn actively puts himself in control so that bad things do not happen to him. marius passively protects himself with his masks so that if bad things do happen to him, he’ll get out of it somewhat unscathed (or at least thats what he hopes, rip king). vyn is taking charge while marius is taking precautions.

but i want to immediately nix the thought of “i do not want bad things happening to me” being a purely selfish desire, because this desire, when pushed by friendship and/or love for another person, branches out into “i do not want bad things happening to you.” that’s pretty damn selfless! it’s protective! vyn and marius caring about another person would be them thinking something along the lines of “dont be too trusting, that will only get you hurt.”

now on the right side, we’ve got luke and artem

let me go to artem first (because i want to save my ultimate fave for last HAHA). the thing about artem and the “bad things” he doesnt want to do is that it manifests in the form of failure. ive said in a bunch of posts (cant link them bc theyre scattered over several posts hhh) that my vague conclusion on artem is that he holds himself to a merciless and meticulous standard because his life has been all about earning things, and the only way to earn things (sometimes things that do not need to be earned, like...happiness, artem, u good???), is to work tirelessly for those things. artem is scared of being underserving, and if he underserving, if he fails, he is a committing a sort of passive “bad thing” to those around him. 

luke, on the other hand, is in my opinion, frigging nuts. ive written an analysis on how luke perceives his existence and effect on other people’s lives as an inevitable negative. in this analysis, there is no “if i fail,” like artem. to luke, he thinks he’s already done it. and it’s not that he’s failed, it’s that he’s a bad thing completely (or at least a bad thing waiting to happen, and for him, thats fucking close enough). luke is both simultaneously scared of not being good and resigned that he is not good. he thus thinks that almost all of his desires are selfish and/or greedy somehow, because hey, im bad, why do i get to even want the rewards of being loved, thats not right! to luke, he is actively committing a “bad thing” to those around him at every given moment of his current life.

artem passively stops himself from being a bad thing by repressing aspects of himself he thinks to be faulty and/or not perfect (most of the time, emotions) to protect those around him. luke actively stops himself from being bad thing by putting the lives/desires of others above his own life/desires as some kind of penance for the people around him. 

now i want to immediately nix the thought that “i do not want to do bad things to others” as a purely selfless desire. it looks like that at first, but when this concept is pushed by friendship/love onto another person, it branches out into “i do not want to do bad things to you.” which, sure, is noble, but is also very focused on the self, on wanting to control the self and self’s effect on other people’s lives.

vyn and marius are worried about the threats from the outside while artem and luke are worried about the threats coming from themselves. all of them have their specific ways of dealing with this worry. all of them have their pros and cons, their strengths and weaknesses, but damn.

doesnt it feel great to see it all compared and contrasted on a chart???

....or is that just me HAHA

[enden-k]

I just have to tell you

I've been seeing you be worried about what you post and if people are getting annoyed

So I just want you to know that I love reading your head cannons and all ur art whether is fluffy, angsty, comedic, or smexy. And all the other things like the Nintendo thingy

It's your blog

and I hope you post whatever you want to share and everyone should support u.

I also understand the anxiety and stress of pleasing others especially followers

But please don't let others dictate what should be on YOUR blog. If they don't like it there are options for them to hide or ignore it.

I think it's amazing just the way it is and I love seeing you get excited over things and your interests.

Not trying to be mean to anyone just want you to know I love ur stuff and am a lil worried negative comments might be affecting u.

All the love @ you

i feel a little silly but this made me cry AHHhah had to take a moment

ngl it is a little stressful for me here lately. like, i already mentioned it a lot of times before i think but im. very very bad with people. i get nervous extremely easily and im very awkward, im pretty sure thats noticeable in some of the stupid, brainless things or gibberish i say-- i like talking to people (and lots of you are really nice) but at the same time im scared i mess up bc im jsut so bad and awkward at talking. i dont get jokes sometimes, i dont get it when someone is purposefully mean to me or just messing around. ; i dont mind some teasing but sometimes i cant tell if smth was meant seriously or not, so bc i cant pick up on that i just get a bit more careful and quiet or just like "ahaha" bc idk if i actually behaved annoying and i dont wanna upset anyone (i know i know its my blog and all, but its jsut me as a person. i dont like upsetting someone and im just. a people pleaser ig?) so yeah i guess you could say some stuff affects me, though it is mostly stuff i cant tell the meaning of or interpret wrong?

people deciding for me what i post about is not really an issue tbh, i have lots of requests or ideas in my inbox but i long since stopped trying to draw everythign like i did back then in fate. i draw for whatever i personally like or smth, if that was what you were worried about (i just get insecure sometimes when i draw smth "too often" e.g. suggestive stuff etc that it might annoy people. again, i know its my blog but again, im someone who worries about other people etc) i enjoy drawing, for myself and for others, and sharing my stuff here and it makes me super happy whenever i see people like it or tell me about it, thats not whats stressful for me. its just bc of this whole thing mentioned above and how insecure it gets me sometimes. and bc im worried i accidentally annoy anyone with uhhh. me being me i guess, when i cant control it good. im trying my best, really. its just not very good, im sorry about that

anyway, enough about that, i feel like i talked so randomly about things you probably didnt even mean, in my defence im a bit tired and my thoughts are jumpy hhh

nothing awful happened or smth negative was said to me, i think? unless someone was actually mean and i didnt get it. please dont worry! but i thank you for your concern still <3 im happy to know you like whatever random thing im sharing with you all haha

[rotten-dan]

im sorry that my post sounded so alarming, i deleted it so i dont freak out anyone else

hhh im. fine right now. i got the results of my tests but i dont have treatment until i go to doc tomorrow

im still scared but is a lil easier to exists

[aquato-family-circus]

Okay okay so YES bob and Helmut and 💗💗 and YES ford cruller bitchass old man (affectionate)

but also can we please talk about Compton Boole because literally the whole time I just wanted to give him a hug 🥺. He's the one member of the Psychic 7 I feel didn't get the same level of personal resolution that the others did. He still got a lot better and was able to cope with being outside in the world again, but Mux and Cruller got together and both were given a second chance/given their sanity back, Helmut and Bob are obviously united again (even if they still have to find Helmut's body, he and Bob are just happy he's alive), Bob is kicking his alcohol addiction, Otto still gets to do his thing and invent his stuff and all that, Cassie is back and able to look after her stuff again...Compton has Cassie but he's still so anxious and scared of everything and it makes me so saddddd.

I know it's on purpose and it's the game's god damned fucking clever way of showing that anxiety etc. take time to fix and don't go away as easily as just "leaving the isolation" but also COMPTON I'M SO SORRY 😭 every interaction I just feel sad for him, the way he thinks all his friends hate him and that he thought the friend he cares about most in the world (Cassie) abandoned him, and even when she's back, he's terrified of being alone again and super anxious about what to say to her it's just. Hhh. Every time he speaks he sounds on the verge of tears.

Maybe I'm wrong, maybe I misinterpreted or have forgotten part of his ending (it's been a while and it's late at night rn too) but even after he's out/better, even if he's COMPLETELY recovered, spending literal years in total isolation afraid of anyone talking to you at all... that's got to have messed him up and I feel like you can tell it's affected him

Also the fact that (imo) the reason he had to go into isolation in the first place was because he cares SO MUCH about everyone and everything and so hearing all their thoughts and worries makes him also sad and worried about them and. I just. Sobbing and crying and crying and sobbing etc.

I'm suing DoubleFine for emotional damages anyone wanna join /s

Compton is a good little guy!!

I feel like he definitely like. part of me gets the idea that he's the least "resolved" since his level is so small and he still sounds like a nervous little guy

but i also think hes definitely starting to come into his own, esp if you catch him and cassie talking post-bee-removal

i have much less thoughts to say abt compton than id like but hes a nice lil short king!! and im glad he's gonna have his bestie and a better hold on the animal voices now, i support him

[the-acid-pear]

I didn't want to but my last post got so long Tumblr can't load it AFSGSGAHH so this is my second post bc liveblogging this manga is part of my personality now <3

From where i left,

I love seeing Shibukawa i hate knowing how that fight will go down tho </3

JACKKKK 🥺

Oh is that literally Andre the giant?

MOTOBEEEE 💞

THAT'S RETSU?! GOD I DIDN'T RECOGNIZE HIM AT ALL I-

KUREHA IS BACK TOO NICE

Katou baby you won't last

YESSSSSSSS YES YES YES MY SON.

Yeah and uh, Katsumi whatever.

BABYYYYYYYYY BOYYYYYYYYYY

Poor Kozue on god pugoygpgu

Toba 🥺

Kozue like 😨

Chapter 186

You don't know but like 2 days passed and i actually forgot what was happening VÑVPJOYG

I just remembered that scene in the fairy odd parents movie where the crowd goes OHHH AHHH

WHAT NUT?

I don't want to simp so early in the morning but UGHHH look at him!!

Hey has Baki always been doing the yujiro stand or is this new?

Feel you Mr Andre the giant i too have been told to not use my full strength. Though I'm just 1.60, my power comes from my anger issues and my god given right to kick ass

That's one strong kick

Rip the crowd n Andre the giant

Chapter 187

I don't think that's true Baki boy

That's a big number sir

I really don't care about this fight much at all surudtidkgxkhkdgksr

Poor Kozue man

Okay no apparently all cis men on the comments did want to become the string ???? Get help /j

Chapter 188

This is prob cool if you know who these people are. I unfortunately don't.

Look of bloodlust? He looks like the average fuckboy

YESSS BABEY LET'S GOOO THE GLASSES ARE BACKKK

Me watching the anime: omg that's so random why is he wearing glasses out of nowhere lol?

Me now (my brain is bigger): WOOOOOOOOO

I'm still obsessed with Toba's size

IFYOYDITDPUGPJG

Okay i had to google who igari was bc i wasn't recognizing him, now I'm cheering on him

This is gonna be a good one, hopefully

That was murder

DOPPO POG DOPPO POG-

Chapter 189

Hehehe this title sounds promising 👀

KSJSKSHSJS BRO 🥺

I really can't tell if he's scared of confident, i HOPE he's confident like, he's my pollo afteral (i make that joke in Spanish bc idk how to do it in English 😭)

Nice feet (See? No one can accuse me of having a foot fetish because no one reads these haha!)

I'm not gonna simp for 3 lines straight but i can't just pass this without saying how much i love how Doppo looks in this arc my man looking more precious than usual 😌🥺💞

Shout-out to the ppl in the comments wishing Motobe a happy bday <33

Chapter 190

These men just LOVE breaking fingers don't they?

It was a pleasure knowing you Motobe-san

I must say Doppo first watching the fights with Katou now with his son is like, super damn sweet like this dude is just such a Dad™

Sumo is such a damn cool sport tbh, i watched like one documentary on it once and nothing else but it's just like damn

NOOOUGHHH

MOTOBE IS FUCKING DEAD.

Lshekwhwksgskd someone was mentioning how they make Motobe sound like a badass but he loses every time and someone just responded "He's 50", which is similar to the justification i tried to give myself whenever Doppo kept fucking losing but then you have mfs like Shibukawa who is 70 and is just mad powerful KSVSNSH 😔

Chapter 191

Hehe the king ☺️

THAT WAS SO RANDOM AJGSJSGEJSG i love this mf

FUCK HOW SHORT IS RETSU OMG 🥺

1.76 HE'S SO TINY HE'S SHORTED THAN DOPPO OMFG

also if y'all wonder how I'm doing my jaw is currently trembling and i think i have a fever, but it's fine, we getting to 200 today boys

I really don't care much about Katsumi but he has a very shaped face i won't lie, his eyes are very pretty too. STILL DONT CARE BOUT HIM 🙄😒

They just throwing hands these mfs ffs

Katsumi that's a bit too far don't you think?

A fuckin pussy out sort of luck i see

Chapter 192

I hate smooth Retsu sm let him keeps his face wrinkles ffs

Obsessed with these lads

ANDRE MY MAN look at him

EVERYBODY IS GETTING IN THE WAY FR SPUGPYDOTSÑD

I love how these characters say <3

Fucked up to beat up a wounded man tho NGL :/

OH FUCK HIS ELBOW NO

Chapter 193

Idk man after 180+ chapters Retsu's body doesn't look that wild to me

I know he will lose bc uh, Retsu obviously? But man i really like this Russian

Kozue that's how every match is

Hhhh 😬

He's dead.

Chapter 194

OH MY GOD HIM AGAIN?! HHH FFS!!!

VAMOOOS KATOU

Hey they aren't doing the white lips thing anymore that's sick

Motobe Latino /j

OYFPUTDPUTDPUTDPID

NO MY MAN KATOU IS NO MATCH TO YUJIRO NO ONE IS NOOO 😢

Chapter 195

Monkee

MY BOY BAKI GETTING THAT GOOD OL FLASHBACK HUH BAKI PTSD MOMENCE

YEET

Chapter 196

LSHLSHEKEBSJSHSVS IM LOSING IT

Look at the cocky mf man sjsgdhd

I must say i love the progression of Baki's personality

ANDOOOO

Chapter 197

Katsumi is deranged

My health problems are solved btw

I honestly hope Katsumi wins, for the honor of shinshinkai exclusively

Doppo looks so proud of his son 🥺

These mfs so childish ffs

...how is he that small 😭

I really don't understand any of these people

Chapter 198

I love seeing Toba just around doing shit like yeah king you go. My nostalgia enjoys his presence

Toba king i don't want to see you on a wheelchair please-

Toba baby you are going to die and horrible death and i will hate to be the witness of it

LSHSJSHSKHWKSHS ???

He's dead 😔

SHOUT-OUT TO THE FUCKING ASSHOLE WHO COMPARED TOBA TO THE TERRAFORMARS ROACHES 😭😭💀

Chapter 199

Igari right? He's dead too. I have less doubt than anyone else, Hanayama is a beast.

THEHWHSHHS 😭 WHY DOES HE HAVE TO OPEN BOTTLES LIKE THAT FFS

Different? Idk man he looks the same to me

Chapter 200

Like it's not just brawling man if anyone the size and strenght of Hanayama did anything they would win no matter what, this mf is a beast

THAT'S SO MEAN THEY WERE SUCH BESTIES OUGH MY HEART 😢💔

I'm sorry, he's gonna get WHAT? 😳

Ndhskshskhdkd obsessed

THESE MEN OMFG.... IM LOSING IT

So glad at least SOMEONE is still a bro 😒

HANAYAMA BRO??? IM BETTING ALL MY MONEY ON YOU BRO PLEASE

Obsessed he didn't even realize

THANKS HANAYAMA PHEW I WAS GETTING WORRIED FOR A SECOND THERE!

OH MY GOD OH MY GOD

And that's it for tonight, adiós