#im still working on accepting my body | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

dendroaspis-viridis · 2 months

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I'm begging you, BioWare... Learn from the mistakes of Baldur's Gates past...

#please accept this low effort meme while i work on Emmrich-inspired creative pursuits #hoping and praying and sobbing and crying #BioWare i'm on my hands and knees begging you to GIVE THE SWEET NECROMANCER A SOFT TUMMY #emmrich volkarin #dragon age emmrich #okay now im gonna start complaining in the tags so this is your warning #i just don't think im strong enough to withstand ANOTHER RPG with companions that Should Not Fucking Have Abs #like sure i could MAYBE suspend my disbelief that the vain wizard would use some illusion magic to give himself abs (still cringe)#or MAYBE he got really into crunches while he was depressed for a year (HIGHLY doubtful)#BUT THE EMACIATED VAMPIRE!?#like come on bestie #did cazador have some really rigorous workout routines that were conveniently never brought up???#im going insane sorry #i just have a lot of opinions on diverse body types in video games #and dont want them to do my man dirty like that #[insert joke about how getting down and dirty with him is my job]#okay sorry i think i got it all out of my system #if anyone actually read this far please know i love you with my entire serpentine heart

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periprose · 4 months

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Not to be dramatic. But why does body dysmorphia feel ten times worse in public lol. Saw myself in a mirror at a store and almost gagged. Saw like three beautiful put together women who just seem to have thin bodies with ease (even though I know that's not how it works) and I'm so jealous. I feel like even though it obviously takes work to lose weight nothing beats the terrible feeling of being unkempt just because you're overweight.

#bought a nice dress today for a trip im going on #and yet... i look huge lol #ngl ive been crying about this because even though i want to be neutral #i just feel so ugly #and yes im working on losing weight but #the in between stage of accepting that i gained weight is still hard #i miss my old body #i hate myself rn #vent

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moodr1ng · 28 days

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kinda hyper but also physically dont feel good at all which is a weird mix. my thoughts are like "i should clean my whole apartment! i should cook an actual meal! i need to plan how to change my whole appearance! i should plan a trip somewhere!" and my body is like lets lie down and try not to cry

#97 #ive rly been unhappy w how i look recently #which has led to not rly putting together any cool outfits like i used to #cause i feel so ugly so i dont feel like going out there w my looks #and it all just worsens my general mood.. so i kinda wanna change my look #but im not sure how to just yet?#a major part is im v unhappy w my hair but idk what i can do w it while im letting it grow..#and ofc the main part is the internalized fatphobia and ive put on a lotta weight during this latest depressive phase #but idk what to do about that cause. still have not found any help for my ed which is the cause of my weight gain #in addition w my bipolar + adhd making feeding myself super hard which i also have no support for #i sooo miss my 2022-2023 skinny phase but it was also super unsustainable #and only rly worked while i was in a good bipolar phase..#im also unhappy w my facial hair bc the beard is not gender for me #(only the sideburns)#but i use it to hide my double chin and cheek fat so i cant stand to shave it bc it makes me more visibly fat #girlies who somehow accepted and love their fat body.. i want what they have

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bluesey-182 · 4 months

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"idk maybe all those doctors and therapists were wrong, maybe im not autistic? maybe I'm a faker? i feel so normal and well adjusted?" *leaves the house* oh dear jesus god i am not a normal person

#text post #okay to reblog #also to be clear im not a 'normal' person at home but it all feels so normal to me #like what allistic person listens to the same album 20 times in 36 hours and plays 160 levels of a game in 10 of those hours #also i can't drive and im unemployed bc i can't find a job that i could work at with my disabilities that is accessible without a car #i struggle to feed and bathe myself and mostly only do it bc im living with someone who cares about me so i try to be better #at prioritizing those things #when I'd really rather just stay engaged with whatever I've hyperfocused on or with my special interests #and even with the people i live with i still greatly struggle to understand tone and body language #but when im being 'weird' by myself or with people who deeply love and accept me... it feels normal #but throw me out in public? or put me around people that im not extreeeeemely close with? YIKES

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toxooz · 2 years

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also GOOD NEWS turns out the One Week Until Eviction scare was just a false alarm and surprise surprise ✨lack of communication ✨ where as i texted her back for clarification but she said everything is fine and i aint being evicted bc she lied to the higher ups??so fuck it we ball ig its good to know she rlly does have my back to some strange extent so im still girlbossin here for another year and will have more time to build credit and look into the science of buying a house sksks

ALLL THAT BEING SAID i will start the next comic section later this week 4 SURE

#not complaining in the slightest but she very much couldve texted me again within those 4 days to say just kidding BECAUSE UHHH #''ur good honey i just lied to them☺'' me 5 suicidal meltdowns and 10 applications to any available housing later:😬oh ok great!!!!#like woman i was fully ready to accept that theres not a bitch on earth who will show me mercy to any extent and that the world is a cold #unrelenting hell to survive in for the past 4 DAYSSSS which i mean is right but ig its not completely that???#like a ''oh nevermind sorry false alarm'' text literally anytime after wouldve work just dandy sksksks plz #like i was rlly out here thinknig she deliberately basically sentenced me to inevitable homelessness for all she knows out of nowhere LIKE #i think im above the genetic Crazy Bitch Disease #but then i catch myself calculating the most inconvenient place in my apartment for my body to decompose in '''''for revenge''''''#if i couldnt move out in time like what in gods name is this radioactive elephants foot of a brain #plus idk how solid her excuse of not having good internet reason is to keep me here for another year so either way #after this im finding somewhere more solid to live bc i cant deal with this type of thing AGAIN lmfao #like bro u cant just make me think the happiness and peace that ive felt for the first time in my life is going to be reversed bc i have to #move back into that godforsaken house with that pos bc i Literally had no time to find another place and the amount of time that takes #BUT oh well its all good and she's still cool for a land lord so im good im good #the past almost week been crazy as hell

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coloursofaparadox · 1 year

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im still not over the sleep thing one sec i gotta rant about this shit

#i think the problem now is that historically my sleep habits have been Really Messed Up by what can loosely be called insomnia my whole life #its always kinda just been a given that if im in bed and i cant sleep there is absolutely nothing that can be done to help #and thats not for lack of trying i have tried every meditation and suggested solution possible. it does not happen.#if i cant fall asleep and try to force myself w/o distractions i will be awake staring at the ceiling for hours. usually till the morning #thats not an exaggeration it happened often before i gave up on it. so i figured out coping methods!#namely 1) making sure my body is taken care of as well as possible to make sure its not caused by pain or hunger or anxiety #and 2) not trying to force it and accepting itll happen when it happens. and then reading a book or watching a show on a dim screen #until i physically cant keep my eyes open and then i can fall asleep. if i try any earlier than that no dice. my brain wakes itself up again #these worked for years! but now thanks to adhd meds that actually make my brain quiet. uh. these same coping methods are. not working #im physically tired and start my usual routine and wait to pass out while reading but i just. dont. ever.#like. the physically tired feeling has never made a difference in my body cooperating with sleep. but now apparently it will????#and ive been ignoring it??? bc im used to it not working? i tried just. closing my eyes and trying to lay still yesterday and it WORKED #after like. 10 minutes or so. it was fucking crazy. i thought media and pop culture was lying about people doing that.#anyways. apparently i can fall asleep like a human and not some kind of weird chronically exhausted cryptid now.#(because of new adhd meds to be clear) but i havent been because i didnt even think to TRY it. since. yknow. cryptid status.#shits weird.

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depresseddepot · 2 years

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the way i try so SO hard to gain even a crumb of body neutrality only to then see some shit on twitter that remind me that oh yeah. a distinct portion of the population genuinely believes they are being discriminated against when they have to look at or be within 50 feet of a fat person

#the amount of times ive heard my skinny friends call themselves fat and disgusting to my face without considering the implications #i saw some tweet that just like. had a fat person in the video and ALL of the responses were men making fun of her #like. yes i realize my life would be so much better if i was born with a faster metabolism. thank you for reminding me #yes i realize i am not treated seriously because i am fat #that sort of incredulous look skinny people give you when you have the audacity to sit near them on the bus or ask for directions #like they're shocked you weren't some round thing that was in their sights for 2 seconds to make fun but disappeared #i am trying very hard not to let it get to me but when so many people seem to think the same thing it feels stupid #likei know i dont see people the way allosexuals do but are fat people really so disgusting that they feel like they can say shit like that #its so so frustrating #if i am going to die alone because of my own failings i can learn to accept that #but if i die alone because i can't find anybody that doesn't think fat people are worthless then what is the fucking point lmao #''people irl dont actually think that'' i cant count on 1 hand the amount of skinny people who have lamented about their weight to my face #someone brings in cookies to work and as im eating one someone skinny says ''well. i really don't need the extra calories so ill pass''#someone skinny checking out diet/exercise books because they ''REALLY have to lose some weight''#no they aren't talking about me/to me but how detached from your surroundings do you have to be to shit on yourself for your weight #like. even if i was skinny they're still talking about how gross and ugly they are around kids #''love your body and your self!!!1!!1'' okay then stop calling yourself disgusting regardless of how much you weigh.#you can think if if you want but god that 12 year old girl in line behind you is going to remember that forever #she is going to internalize ''oh okay. thats what a disgusting body looks like''#andthen she'll grow up and hate herself and continue the fucking cycle #just stop. stop talking about your weight around kids. i dont need 60 yo women telling me they're gross when they weigh maybe 150 lbs #i know this is super unhealthy but i literally cannot wait until i can move out and isolate myself from society #because every second i try to engage with it is literal torture #yall are so mean for no reason #i dont really have much to live for #but it would be helpful if skinny people didn't constantly reiterate that there's no point to living if you aren't skinny #im so tired #vent

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mainfaggot · 9 months

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tw eating disorder talk, pt.2 to the last post in the tags (once again, no mention of numbers that could be triggering, just a heartfelt rant bc I've been so afraid of talking about these things on here, but i really just need to get everything out bc . I feel crazy)

#so basically it was bad. this past summer the relapse was so sugarcoated in the sense that #i was telling myself it was fine. it didn't look the same as it did at my very worst #it didn't even feel the same #but it wasn't fulfilling either. it was stressful. it was exhausting. i was using my anorexia as a way to distract from having depression #i needed to feel a sense of achievement and i got it! but at the cost of my physical health #and my mental health was all over the place like less depressed sure. but way more anxious #it was weird. because even now i have to tell myself it wasn't okay. it wasn't fine. it's not worth it it's not WORTH IT #part of me keeps romanticizing it bc i was so in control and i was still working a little and still functioning in a socially acceptable way #but i know how much anxiety it gave me on a daily basis. only i know how my body ached and how low i felt from my immunity going to shit #only I know what it's like to have horrible circulation and constant weakness #no one else will live my life for me #I'm sure there are people who can live the way i was. im sure there are people who thrive like that #but they only thrive for a short time before it all comes crashing fown #and it's not worth the comparison bc when im suffering theyre not going to help me out!!!!!#when im struggling with the weight of it all. the people that promote tiny little portions and academic excellence with no room for #self compassion #they're not going to nurse me back to health #i won't feel a sustained sense of satisfaction from restricting and studying until i pass out from exhaustion. I've done that before #perfectionism is a parasite and this is a disease. it's a fucking mental illness and it's not even about vanity for me like thats just a #fraction of it #anyway #z.post

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currentlyonstandbi · 1 year

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getting strangely emotional over my physio saying that unless something else happens, we don't need to see each other anymore

#not to sound corny but i think its because i genuinely feel indebted to them #like the me of 2 months ago had basically given up on recovery #i was willing to accept this as the new normal for the rest of my life and live with having fucked it all up in my 20s lmao #looking back on it now is crazyyyyy #i mean im not 100% recovered and i dont think i ever will be #thats just the nature of the injury #its still going to have flare ups and there might be a limit now on what my body is capable of as a result #but its nowhere near what it used to be #and i gotta look at the positives too. core strength has never been better because that was all i could work on in the beginning #and my running has improved massively because it was one of the few activities i could manage #im optimistic i guess. im hopeful but also at the same time absolutely terrified of going backwards #personal

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izzy-b-hands · 1 year

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my body needs to get its shit together lmao

#text post #ive always needed rest days after days with a lot of activity but fuck me #i feel like ive got a cold or something with the fatigue and body aches going on like bro #we just did the beach walk then a couple stores then home!! that's nothing come the fuck on!!#but even after resting up yesterday from stuff on sunday (which even with this body stuff I'd do again in a heartbeat. was a good day 🥰)#im still utterly sore and achy and exhausted and it feels utterly ridiculous #im not wheezing like i was yesterday but i just. this isn't right!!!#i feel WORSE than i did when we went to bed but i was just chilling trying to write #and watching secret sleepover society vods like i was literally just sitting there!!!#but i had to resist the urge to skip my shower and just sleep there on my bedroom floor bc #moving is Effort and Ow and i know i gotta keep addressing my internalised ableism #and that accepting when my body needs extra rest is part of it but sometimes i just #everyone told me as long as i kept trying to exercise and eat as best i could (difficult w/all my food shit but i do my best)#that as i got older this stuff would go away #i would acclimate and feel better #instead housemate has helped me confirm our wondering during my trip last year as to if i have asthma #which considering ae does and my symptoms all mirror aer's asthma symptoms to a t i mean. there ya go #add in lingering long covid symptoms and im just not doing as well as i want to be physically and idk how to help it #when a lot of it is stuff that's gone undiagnosed or untreated for years like. the damage to my body is already done #the future i was promised if i tried my best for my body probably never actually existed and like the adults telling me to work harder #had no way to know that technically but also. id be lying if i said im not struggling with and mourning that rn #which feels selfish and silly bc im alive and able enough to get around on my own and i have ppl who care for and help me #but im still sat here like. i want to spend all day walking the beach with a friend and NOT pay for it the next few days damn it

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freebooter4ever · 1 year

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i heard that the new in ‘style’ for actresses is to pay for long, expensive extensions and dye your hair reddish-blonde. and since i have been growing my hair out for over ten years, and only recently stopped dying it purple once every year during the weeks between my grandma's death (sept 13 2010) and her birthday (oct 13) to try to counteract that ‘ghost’ feeling of disconnection from one’s body that comes with grief, I WOULD JUST LIKE TO SAY: for those of us who do have that hair that changes goddamn colors with the light. is it puke blonde? is it red? is it so dark it might be black? (who the fuck knows \o/).

pretty sure you cant pay for this confusion, no matter how much money you have. copycats.

#Freebooter4ever #*beauty* is so expensive in los angeles #I still remember how proud i was in pittsburgh to be able to afford to get my hair professionally cut and dyed in a fancy salon once a year #I accidentally found a young woman who was as obsessed with funky hair styles but in like a classy way #And she not only specially mixed the purple dye every year for me but also used to cut my hair into some strange shapes #UNtil i started growing it out lol #But anyway its just so absurd that the only people who can afford to perform this socially acceptable form of beauty are the wealthy few #Waxing the entire body eyebrow trimming eyelash extensions hair extensions hair dye IT NEVER ENDS #AANYWAY my illness has decreased down to just a constant runny nose like a leaky faucet so im going back to work tomorrow yey -_-

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s4pphoiduser · 2 years

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microdosing coming out by macrodosing "ooo i wanna look Just Like Him. HIM. HE HIM HIM HIM. JUST LIKE HIM." like oh look at the broad shoulders and wide, flat chest. oh, oh, so interesting, isn't it? wouldn't it be fun if i were a guy? imagine That!

#me randomly throughout the day: [showing a picture of some guy] don't you think it'd be so nice if i looked JUST LIKE HIM? hehe #being trans is fun #incoming in the tags:#dysphoria #sometimes i feel like maybe im not actually trans and that im just ~an imposter~ because it's ''''''trendy''''''#and then i remember that i literally cannot bear calling myself a girl + my chest makes me so.... [no words for it] +#everytime i have to accept what i have DOWN THERE whenever i pee or like idk put on underwear i have to like.#pretend that i dont know what what i have is and that i am a small child again who does not know that people have different parts #until like. halfway through last year i thought everyone wanted to be out of the skin they were born in. i thought it was a normal thing #brought on by puberty.#and i also thought that maybe i just felt that way because i didn't look ~conventionally attractive~#but then i started ~working on myself~ and changing these things and i still couldn't stand the fact that this was my skin.#that i couldn't tear it away so i could finally be ~real~#i remember that i was watching a video and i thought he looked cool but at the same time the voice in my head that was like #'you want to look like THAT so bad and that's going to k ill you' and i had to pause the video and look away for a sec because #i couldn't accept that i just didn't look like that....#like yeah dude. you're trans #not 'not like other girls' in a pick me way but 'not like other girls' in that im a guy and feel incredibly alien in my body #sorry i started talking about all that. i'll tag it no worries

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pizzapizzadickz · 2 years

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#diary #personal #i was gonna journal but im far too tired now and i cant.#so instea imma ramble here.#anyways. i was thinking lately how as i got earlier i sorta would just. cut off parts of myself.#like. id observe everyone around me. figure out what was socially acceptable. and remove what wasnt.#sometimes... people would say little things. and i work very very hard to to fix that about myself.#like. if i dont understand humor. i worked REALLY hard so i could. and so i could figure out how to joke and talk with others.#and god. anytime i make friends i try REALLY FUCKING HARD to make sure i like. do their activities that theh like.#i just sorta hope that i can have friends that way. if they like cars well now i do. if they like computers now i do. etc.#and like. i used to try hard to keep up with pop culture shit so i could feel included. cuz otherwise id be left out.#honeslty all of elemetry school i remember trying so hard to fit in and it really made me feel like i lost myself in it all.#i remember in high school a lot of this came to a head and i sorta just. felt lost a lot.#i like. feel a lot better now. i dont do things i dont wanna. i dont try so hard to blend in. but its still really hard sometimes.#i remember. i used to always have to ask what people mean. what a joke was about. i felt excluded from things a lot.#i sorta. gave up on friends in like. grade 7-8ish. i was also sorta depressed. so id just. watch people #and in the winter. id sometimes walk around in little circles and make patterns in the snow. recess wasnt long enough tho #i remember in grade 3 when i sorta became the token loner id just. walk around aimlessly at school.#it was sad being excluded but i really learned to enjoy it to. to really feel the wind. to listen to the sounds. to feel present #i love the swings. still do. might be why i rock so much now? ive always just loved throwing my body around violently.#it honestly makes me really sad now bc it hurts now. i cant move in ways that are fun anymore.#i can rock tho. and i do a lot. yknow i saw a girl(?) on the bus the other day rocking #it was so... strange to see it from the outside. i wonder if thats what i look like now that i think about it.#it was distressing tho bc they seemed upset. bc thats how i rock when upset. just. very regimented.#theyd stop abruptly. then continue. i could really only see myself in that. i wanted to ask if they were okay but...#i felt that it could potentially cause more stress. besides. idk if theyre autistic or whatnot. it could be invasive. i hope they were okay #mn. i sorta wish i had never just. cut away at myself. removing what i deemed garbage.#im... so much different from the way i portay myself sometimes.#i love looking at things. just. staring at stuff. watching people. and. when im with others i remove that.#when i work i have to remove the fun from things. and that sucks.

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natandacat · 2 years

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Every few weeks i get a survey from my federal gvt that amounts to "do you think covid is a scam still" and "hey some peoples' lives are ruined by long covid. Do you know about this and do you care". And everytime i answer and i have to detail how horribly my life is affected by long covid and the lack of covid measures. Every 3 weeks. Since march. As i go through the horrors of having 0 control over my health, as I get worse and lose my autonomy and my ability to work. Knowing that most people in my country have apparently been answering "yes" and "nope" to the aforementioned questions since march given that things have gotten worse.

Anyway I think this is a kind of psychological torture and im entitled to compensation

#psychological warfare lol #covid #long covid #i am. syill shaken from that 10 days of 0 control over my body. 7 of which spent entirely in bed.#not even sitting!!#anyway. things are unreal and my brain is unable to just. go back to work #im so behind. and im honestly unable to resume an acceptable study pace #im gonna be ok bc im me but still #shaken!#just bitching #medical

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balancefrost · 1 day

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I have thoughts and opinions on my loved ones that honestly i dont think i could ever admit to them. I think it would hurt their feelings pretty bad and i dont think im necessarily a bad person for thinking these things bc i am composed and would never be so mean like that. I just recognize now thay this is a part of dealing with other humans, we dont always like people all the time. I know they 1000% have thoughts and opinons on me too that theyve never shared and tbh maybe its for the best. Or maybe they genuinely dont and im just projecting lol either way

#ive had a hard time accepting that im not always inherently kind #and i have mean bones in my body #a little bit icy and judgemental and opinionated okay #i used to hate people #and ive been working hard to lose that mindset #but i still dream of my time alone doing nothing

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snekdood · 1 month

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idk why ppl think you wanting a different body, or in this case specifically, weight, somehow has something to do with them or you judging them? like i've worked through the fatphobia i grew up with and was used against me, idgaf what other people do and im also not repelled by or somehow grossed out by fat people given i tend to date fat people (not seeking them out, it just happens)-- if this is the case, how can you say that im somehow demanding you change in someway because I want to change myself? maybe stop seeing other people as extensions of you and this wouldnt be an issue..?

#unfortunately im never going to be satisfied with my body being a certain level of chubby. i can accept it but it wont satisfy me.#i'll always be longing for something else as much as i try to ignore it or deny it or whatever #trust me. i've tried. i've even fallen in love with my body type its... just.... not *me*#which is why i often draw it on my other non-self insert ocs bc i still love my body type its just. not me. thats just not me man idk🤷#an entirely different person as far as im concerned. when i look like that i look like a stranger to myself.#also like. idk why me still deciding i want to look different in spite of working through the fatphobia means i 'didnt actually work throug #it'. like im sorry babe but my dysphoria is heavily linked to my weight given my body fat loves to distribute in *ways* i dont like.#ive literally TRIED to be fine with it but i cant. im sorry. idk what to tell you. theres nothing that can be done. sue me.#me wanting to look different bc of the way my body fat distributes isnt me saying 'you have to look a certain way to pass'#its me going 'i will never feel like myself so long as im shaped like this'#it quite frankly has nothing to do with you so stop inserting yourself into my situation #if anything it seems like my desire to change my weight is more or less a trigger for you and thats not reason enough to try to change #my behavior. simply walk away. look somewhere else. dont interact with me if you cant handle that. i get it but like. its not #gonna change over here bud #some people you're not meant to always get along with and be friends with and thats okay. doesnt mean we try to come up with #'moral' reasons to justify our dislike.#bc to me you're doing nothing different from trans people who shame you for wanting to look more cis. thats always going to be the #case for me. im ALWAYS going to wish i was born a cis guy.

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