#im tired of no having self esteem?????
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Vent dni
Man. It's insane when a family members are the ones that abuse you constantly that it becomes so normal at the point where you start to bite back they treat that as you begin the cunt.
#or maybe I am!!!!#OR MAYBE MY BRAIN IS BEGIN SO SHREDDED I DONT HAVE A CHANCE OF BEGIN A NORMAL HUMAN BEGIN ANYMORE!!!!#WHO KNOWS!!!!#huh mom was right#its therapy time#😒 what fucking annoys me its that I have to pay for it???? when other people traumatized me on the first place????? like fuck offffff!!!!!#vent#vent post#also i still want the love and affection of those who hurted me?????? EAT SHIT!!!!!!!#that I have no bondaries BUT I ALSO DONT ASK FOR ANYTHING EVER AND WANTING THINGS MAKES ME ANXIOUS LIKE THAT ALONE ITS GONNA MAKE IT FLOP#OR ITS STUPID WANTING THINGS AND EVEN IF I MAKE MY NEEDS KNOWN IM BEGIN SILLY??????????#like no one is ever gonna know me for who I am 💕💕💕#im tired of no having self esteem?????#having to be caretaker of people that should been taking care of me??? like no wonder I don't fully trust mfers????#im tired of never externalizing how I feel because it makes me feel stupid or its actually me just begin disproportionate
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i love how my ig fyp is nothing but all the girls he was following 🫠 i guess when you only interact with one person that’s how the algo shifts 😅 because seeing all the hot big tiddie goff girlies that you can never hold a candle to is exactly how i wanted to start my lunch break 🤩
#i guess i do have to remove him from ig#im just tired of seeing all these girls that are clearly better than me#it does not do well for the self esteem i’ll tell ya that much
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Being an introvert that everyone thinks is an extrovert is sure... something
#its tiring is what it is#at some point people seemed to take it as 'quiet person who is socially awkward' but i can be very friendly bubbly etc etc#so theyre like oh youre so extroverted!! like no. i really need to go be by myself now or im gonna freak out lmao#i always feel like no one has a clear image of me tho bc people have always thought i was super confident#bc idk ? im loud sometimes more in the past than now and idk i crack jokes ?? but like no i have horrendous body issues and bad self esteem#literally since i can remember. genuinely going back to when i was like 5 so again its just very ?? whenever people say shit to me about me#like my cousins bestie who i have known since i was like 6 said i was such a joyous happy person#and truly it made me so confused bc i am truly not but idk guess to her i am so 🤷♀️#this is why i spend so much time alone now#its not totally an act sometimes i am that happy and fun but it is sometimes a mask that i have just been doing for 20 yrs so im good at it
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Oh it's back again-does anyone have advice on keeping ur head busy at a terrible school?
#hope u can excuse me-#cuz the big sad is back again at the first day and im kinda tired of it :'D#i cant seem to understand what the core of it is#maybe its social anxiety or low self esteem#could be sumthin else#BUT!! IMa fix dis ion want big sad#dont wanna affect anyone negatively bcuz of dis cuz i really care abt yall#so hope yu all are having a wonderful time!!
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You make me do TOO MUCH LABOUR
#feminine rage time#i will never accept what Society and most of all men makes ius do#and think and everithing in Society#im Not okay with it#Its enough#Will forever have rage for this Society#i will never be okay with what Society does with my girlfriends self esteem thoughts life or just what in generaal happens with them#what boys do to them#not one of them deserves it and does anithing to make them happy#and they treat them as shit#im so tired of this Society#and I wil fight forever against the norms the stereotypes and everithing around it#bcs not one girl should feel pain#they are all amazing#labour#labour paris paloma#also if this song doesn’t bring all your intern feminine rage above I don’t know this song just says it all#we all should fight#pretty sure how much we all would win#we woman deserve it
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im doing so bad rn :)
#i felt like i just lost all the progress that i worked hard on for months in like just a span of 4 days#i worked so hard to build my self esteem and my mindset and my everything and now it feels even way worse than when i started#and i just feel so awful and so tired and so disheartened#i dont know if i can change it back in 4 days too but i probably cant and i just feel so angry#i was supposed to be on a vacation and instead of feelinh rested i just feel like i shouldnt have gone on it#i feel so bad about everything i dont know if i have enough energy to catch myself back up to where i was#i knew this day would come and i wouldnt be up high forever but im just so tired
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day 874392857 of ??? where i am so fucking tired of this house and the people inside it that killing myself is looking better and better each day :/
#reze stfu#god i honestly. idk what to say#my parents aren't bad in terms of it. they're pretty good as far as parents go#but like. imso fucking tired of being expected to act and talk a certain way. yes. i am your first child#that is exactly the reason i am so fucked up!! because you didnt know how to deal with children when you had me an i was basically a...#idk. an experiment or wtv#I WISH THEY COULD UNDERSTAND THAT !!#i know there is something wrong with me. because i've been told that. to my face. repeatedly#and people wonder why my self esteem is so low :/#maybe if you didnt amke me question my fucking existance i wouldnt be this way. you ever thought of that??#just two more years . i gotta hanf on for two more years. thats all. thats all. and them im our im out of this house#maybe ill like them better when i dont see tjem everyday#god i love being deathly terrified of my own parents. sometimes i dont even think i love them. i think im just so scared of them#that ive deluded myself into thinking that i love them and theyd never do anything to hurt me#despite KNOWING that isnt true#and its worse when my sisters have to deal with the fallout like. im used to being the buffer. i can deal with that. but please please#please dont expect me to parent. dont expect me to take your place. side eyes my father#WHY am i the most responsible person in that house???#you expect me to trust you ??? after you left 2 10 year olds alone in a playground in the hot sun for 3 hours with no food no water no money#no way back home??? and you fucking forgot about them???? and i had to remind you????????#i dont know. maybe im just lashing out. maybe im just tired of being the fuckup#its hard to be proud of yourself when you end up being told that there is something about you that is not right in the head ykwim?#ugh im sorry for ranting i just. idek what set me off and now i have nail marks in my arm and my skin is raw again#and my eyes are bloodshot. so i guess. ill be crying myself to sleep again. yay#that is if i even GET to sleep. i just wasted 20 mins i couldve used to be working having a mental breakdown. fun fun#tw suicide#tw vent
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i do hope im not intimidating to new fans
im just here to spread love honestly, i got so much to give when it comes to my blorbos
in some(/most) cases i might not be the most knowledgeable, but i do care a lot and i have tidbits etc to share a lot
never be afraid to ask anything! 💜
#i dont know where i was going with this im tired lol#but yeah. any new wrestling fans in general or anyone looking to get into my blorbos. my line is always open#im not scary i promise i just have self-esteem issues LOL#night is an absolute mess on main#..also yeah in general ppl should talk to me more about kip tbh LOL
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On the verge of tears ✌️
#entries#its really cool how i cannot help anyone with anything and have to just watch it happen all the time#but also like nobody wants my helpd clearly bc they dont fucking talk to me about it so i just get to sit here and feel usesless and shitty#and i just. dont say anything bc nothing means shit! and it just ruines any self esteem i had its cool#i dont even talk on here about it bc people see it and its a whole thing and i refuse to let people help me b#im tired! i dont like to wallow im misery i hate constantly seeing misery everywhere all the time#very frustrating. absolutely nothing i can do
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im really disliking the way people are talking about the kanye situation, especially when they're not jewish. its not as hard as you think for people to turn into nazis. and people who think this way dont think of themself as the next hitler, its like appreciating karl marx's manifesto. except, you're looking at me, and every jewish person alive, thinking we're corrupting and taking over the government, that we're hoarding all the money in the world. seeing that and thinking that exterminating us from existence is the only solution, that we're the rats infecting the water that would otherwise be pure despite there being no such thing as pure water. dont be so quick to joke about kanye, nazism, trump, or any other "crazy" thing in the world. hitler was seen similarly to as trump is now. as easy as it is to joke about it now, jokes can manifest themselves into new things
#im the only jewish friend to some of my friends so i understand that they're gonna ask me 'have you heard' but lord am i tired#and seeing and hearing certain people joke about it#theres a reason making self deprecating jokes only makes your self esteem worse#anyone can be a nazi#anyone
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sorry for yearnposting guys it will not stop until i get a girlfriend.
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man.
#really getting tired of form rejections like i get why. people dont have a lot of time and not everything will work for them#but i dont know if my work isnt good or just isnt the right fit for the agents im querying#it rly takes a spine of steel to keep trying and keep getting rejected and im afraid i just dont have that#self esteem at 0 rn. guess ill keep trying. what else am i gonna do#querying literary agents is like. i will go and confidently get rejected over and over and over.#idk what to do like i can't give up on my dream. but this is so hard i feel so awful
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i WILL show up to the trial day for the preparatory class tomorrow no matter how much i dont want to and after that i guarantee NOTHING
#broadcasting my misery#vent#this is a lie i guarantee i will keep tumbling through life appearing functional and melting down in the privacy of my own home afterwards#<- trying to jinx my naturally contrarian ass into taking care of myself for once#god i'm tired#i am. slightly peeved.#around 11am i was like ''i think i'm going to go home'' and my friend was like WHAT nooooooo what are you going to do at home anyway#and we ended up hanging out w another friend until fucking 4pm#and she was like oooooh guys i think i'm gonna go else i wont have energy tomorrow#haha bitch where was this mindset when i told you i was going to go home#i don't know why i keep like. telling people stuff like ''i'm [emotion] i'm going to [thing]''#and they just plan stuff w me anyway#and like. i can't decide for them what's important or not to them. so i make an effort and i participate to the best of my ability.#but it KEEPS HAPPENING#OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN#it does not stop#i can barely keep the violent impulses down tbh i act like im on crack in public#bc if i dont walk around and spasm like an epileptic stray cat im gonna start giving in to the urge to dive under a bus or punch someone#i have nearly uncontrollable fits of hitting my head against walls when my entire life i was too chicken to do it despite trying to#i gained about fifteen to twenty fucking kilograms in the last three months#because i cannot fucking stop binging and EVERYBODY'S LIFE seems to revolve around food#my friends are incapable of hanging out without going to buy smth no matter at which time we get out of school#my other friends seem incapable of not checking calories VERY LOUDLY and calculating how much they lost walking around#my mom and i are home and awake at the same time abt two hours a day and one and a half of that is spent making/eating dinner lmao#im making the effort holy shit i am but i'm going to start being violent soon#i've started trying to strangle my cat twice in the past week i think#i'll show up tomorrow bc it's an opportunity and im not stupid enough to miss that by lack of self esteem#but really what is it good for#my friend isnt very delicate in her way to say it but she's right. i'm not cut out for being normal like that#i can sorta seem functional but you very quickly start seeing i don't know how to dress
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Actually everything has been too complicated and now that the sun is out I've decided that everything is actually easier than I thought and nothing has to hurt me unless I let it
#drinking coffee and smoking in the sun after a decent day of work#i got to work ot this weekend and do a tough job and the day after i hiked w my mom and ran along the beach w the dog#the longer i keep myself away from the narrative the more further removed and at peace i feel#although sometimes its somewhat distrupted when i see them but i reel it back in real quick#it just feels good to know that i dont have to let anyone in and that i have my people and thats all i need#im goung to carry myself the rest of the way through like i always have#and i dont need anyone elses validation#things will come to me when im ready and its right#if i dont want someone to hurt me then i simply dont have to allow them to hurt me#and if i hurt them then oh well. i need to protect my peace and my self esteem#i have things that i would like to work out but i need to accept that everything i want to have happen i cant make happen#ive been through too much and worked too hard and loved too hard and learned too much to let things like this touch me anymore#my self perception cannot hinge on anyone anymore because only i know what ive done and seen and felt and thought in every momemt of my lif#and how i look is not a solid descripter of all the aspects of me#it is not the bulk of my humanity it is hardly a grain of sand#im not angry or sad im just indifferent and ready for something better and healthier and more secure#and the things and people that i can have by relying on my looks do not hold much value anyways#besides. i am pretty. and im healthy and im good w my money and i laugh w my belly and i know a fuck of a lot more than i ever thought#and ive done more than i ever anticipated#i have a lot of things to be so okay with that i shouldnt even have to think about it#and the fact that i ever do is a luxary not given to the bulk of humanity#ive had the privledge to love many times and learn the lessons that accompany losing#and the privilege to make my own decisions and have my own priorities#i have the time and money to worry about frivolous things just like ive had the same to experience some really cool things#i am full of energy and opportunity and love and i get to decide when and where i want to direct that#if i direct it in a place that leave me feeling sad and empty and confused i can put my focus elsewhere unless i deem it worthy enough to#work at#and when ive poured too much in and got too little back ill know to reframe things#its not that complicated and its not that messy#it just is whatever i make it out to be and im tired of making everything out to be more and allow it to define me
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anyone else ever remember how they are gonna end up in some dead end soul sucking job instead of the actual career they wanna pursue because they are far too unskilled for it. just me. awesome.
#sometimes i get a twinge of hope bc my classmates will say nice things and then i remember the reality that exists and is real.#where i just suck. i lack so much technical skill. i feel like i have to reteach myself how to draw constantly. my style is not distinct.#it looks like the quality of a middle schooler's sketchbook where it's a drawing they're proud of but in comparison to anything else#it is just garbage. utter garbage.#i have been in such a horrific slump of feeling about what i make. and i tell my therapist about it. and he never ever actually reassures m#doesnt tell me to maybe ask if im being unfair in my standards. or says i should have some more compassion towards myself.#or finds it an issue in regards to my generally low self esteem. im so fucking tired of being told well. you can always go back to school#to pursue something else after wasting all your fucking time on this stupid fucking degree that will get you nowhere!#i feel hopeless! so utterly fucking hopeless! it doesnt matter when my peers with more skill than me say they like my work bc im positive#they are just being nice. i cant imagine you look at your work and then mine and still find it good and having worth. i cant.#i cant make anything good. im so tired of not being able to make anything good. im tired of not being able to have the motivation to do wor#in my own time to help improve my work because im too fucking tired because im too fucking depressed to do anything. im a failure.#im literally watching myself become a failure in real time and i cant stand it some days. genuinely what a waste.#i dont know what gave me the right to think i could possibly succeed at this. i feel like an idiot for wasting so much time and money.#im not saying this to seek pity or comfort either. im just talking about how i feel. because it just sucks. it just sucks#it sucks to know you will never make it. because even on the days you think maybe you can. it just comes crashing down again to remembering#oh. i wont. because i have none of what it takes for it at all.#man. what even ever at this point. who cares. i'll get over it. it just sucks.#vent.txt
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im so tired of being useless and bad at art. i put myself through all this pain for nothing loll
#tw vent#so tiredd#its exhausting to do anything today#even opening my hand is a little tiring#ok thats probably cuz ive stabbed my left arm uh. .....30+ times in the last day alone but cmon#tw self harm#like i wanna b one of those fanartists who post just a sketch and get like 100 notes#but im nothing.#maybe its a sign#i should stop draiwng sthte stuff ilike and just draw whatever gets the most notes...#idk in fandom spaces you arent appreciated as much as like furry spaces appreciate art#like in fandom spaces ppl tend to like more than they reblog#idk why#either that or my art just SUCKS SO BAD#wow this whole low self esteem thing is eating away at me i wish i didnt have it but i kind of deserve it#ill probably end up cutting until i die ......... useless#i bleed for nothing.#hh off topic but i dont bleed nearly as much#how did i get a whole ass puddle of blood on my floor before.. what did i do ..#i dont know anymore#im experiencing a lot of aches in my leg recently which is a bad sign#i am slowly killing myself arent i..#so be it. i deserve it. its ironic. i like it.#i will bleed as much as it takes for me to get better. its a fitting punishment. i think#huh... s/h addiction ruining my life again huh#i have nothing to live for anyway#when i kill myself ill make it dramatic so the image will be etched into my mothers mind#i will bleed everywhere.#sorry im fantasizing again#tw suicide
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