#and truly it made me so confused bc i am truly not but idk guess to her i am so 🤷‍♀️

[faunandfloraas]

Being an introvert that everyone thinks is an extrovert is sure... something

[heavilycaffeinatedsblog]

Hiii omg just wanna start off with how much I absolutely adore how you write klance. The yearning, the heart, the energy to them it's just so SO good. I saw the ask that mentioned half the galaxy and it reminded me I had a very dumb question about it that prob only I'm slightly confused on so ignore me if it's rude at all it's not my intention but when you say "half the galaxy" does that mean the story only takes place in that singular galaxy or they only discussed the one? Idk if that makes sense 🤔(my question)

I've just noticed a lot of ppl use galaxy and universe interchangably when they're diff things so I was curious to which you meant. I'll accidentally read vld fics by default on the universal scale since they're defenders of the universe and whatnot so just wanna make sure I read ppls stories set in the actual setting they're meant for if that makes sense? Especially bc space itself is so HUGE like millions of galaxies in the universe huge so I guess I got a little confused on the scale of the story when they were referencing half a galaxy (I'm not trying to be rude or anything I'm just genuinely curious so when I reread I got it not running away in my head ,u can totally ignore this if u want. Adore you and ur writing I rec the fics all the time.)

No idea if this made any sense? I feel like I'm rambling I'm so sorry I prob caused the confusion for myself overthinking 😔

Okay, what a fascinating idea regarding Voltron fics that I admittedly am not science-versed enough to truly answer hm hm

At least in “Half the Galaxy”’s case, the title stems from something Shiro casually throws out, saying that “half the galaxy” is in love with Lance. So it’s not necessarily meant to be a true representation of distance or the area they are in, more a way to show how Lance (and the rest of Voltron) are like celebrities to other planets?

I rarely write in canon, but when I do, I think I use “galaxy” in terms of a part of the “universe” but honestly space is so mind boggling to me I can’t even be sure if I’m understanding it right lolol

Thanks for your question!

[stoopid-turtle]

hello... 😅 uhm, first of all, i truly am sorry in advance for being awkward 😭 but for once i decided not to let my awkwardness keep me from sharing (what i think/hope are) positive thoughts with a stranger on the internet, so here i am.

i'm not around much and legit only made this acc bc like you i'm a late bloomer here and needed as many outlets for my yizhan/wangxian obsession as i could get my greedy hands on, in the big year of 2023... sigh. anyway, as an avid lover of meta/analysis posts since my early fandom days began around 15 (oof 🥲) years ago, finding your acc was such a lovely surprise. i agree with your views a LOT, and really appreciate how eloquent and well-written your posts are! even more so bc there's a lot i still don't know and most of the time the source material is very hard to reach and/or understand due to the language barrier, so having other turtles to rely on to access those, even if filtered by their own biases/opinions, is wonderful. besides, such input coming from a new fan is also comforting and imo refreshing, juxtaposed with that of older fans... it keeps the fandom alive and all that jazz. it's also very brave given how ruthless some folks can be on the internet, and on this corner in particular 😮‍💨 it just felt like reading my own thoughts written by someone else sometimes. i gasped and nodded at your posts soooo many times djskdjdj thank you for that!

(btw you followed me back the other day and i legit fangirled irl bc ??? whatttttt 😅 i still think it was an accident but okay omg djskdjdj AHEM. sorry)

then today i logged in and read your recent posts feeling squeamish about sharing more thoughts and as much as i 100% relate to you saying that kind of attention makes you anxious, i just... idk, i had to let you know i enjoy everything you post, even though adult life has kept me from being able to read it all so far. i understand you stepping back and i respect that decision, i'm not by any means asking you to go against what you know is best for you. at the same time, i can't help but hope you'll still show up every now and then bc your posts will be missed 🥲 i guess the whole motivation behind this is that it just made me sad to think your valuable insights will be something i'm yet again late to, if that makes sense?

djskdjdj again, i'm so sorry for being awkward and weird and dropping all of this on your inbox unprovoked. you don't have to reply (or read this AT ALL omg 😭😭), in fact i'm so embarrassed by this that you'd probably have to reach me through inquiry lmaooo 💀 anyway, have a great life, thank you so much for the great job, bjyxszd etc ❤️💚💛

Oh, don't be anxious! I'm really not a big deal.

Thank you for dropping into my inbox! I love hearing from other turtles, especially relative newbies, like myself! One of my fav parts of coming out of lurking mode is getting to talk to other people. I kinda follow back anybody who follows me, cause it seems polite? I don't know tumblr etiquette. I just follow the tags when I get the chance.

I appreciate the encouragement! I try to avoid dramatics, so I'm sorry for the upset last week. The situation is largely resolved, and I am feeling more okay. I kinda backed off because I wasn't sure of my footing here in fandom as compared to others, especially as I do think I have some takes that fall outside fandom consensus. Again, I don't mean to rock any boats and I'm not invested in convincing anybody that they should have the same opinions as I do. Hearing from turtles who do want me to continue posting gave me some more confidence there.

So, yeah, I expect I'll post some more as I have time. I'd like to post more on dd (cause he's my fav). I'd also like to try to figure out gg cause that dude is so confusing to me. I do have RL stuff going on, and I don't have the time to be super-active outside of occasional posts. But I'd like keep posting stuff. At least until I get all my Yizhan thoughts out.

[dovahqueene]

ok ok ok those who have finished the first 10 chapters of Nightbringer……. Who do we think is Nightbringer???????? My own random guesses under the cut because spoilers for chapter 10 of Nightbringer (EDIT: also I just added lesson 10A spoiler screenshots so spoilers of course)

so the “one sided” convo featuring Solomon in ch 10… again spoilers… implies Nightbringer isn’t a demon (EDIT: kind of. Tbh I’m not sure anymore and am leaning demon aka barb, but I’m leaving what I originally said here anyway. See screenshots below for spoilers). But the intro vid/teaser implies that they are a demon. Hence the confusion. I mean… we know angels can become demons and humans, but can the reverse be true? I don’t know. Have we been told at any point that the reverse is possible? To have a deal of some kind with Solomon though… I’d assume at the very least they are not human although that doesn’t necessarily mean they were never human. Ok now I’m just getting into the weeds with this. I also didn’t reread anything so this is straight up me rambling right after reading that lesson and being confused as fuck.

1. Barbatos from another timeline?? The intro makes you think it’s barbatos in some form, at the very least.

2. God??? Lol if we’re truly following the story of the actual king Solomon… but I don’t know if they’d really go there. But it would make the most sense in a way LOL though the pseudonym “nightbringer” seems wrong for this guess

3. Michael because idk he exists and I don’t know enough about him to decide either way

4. Lilith but that feels conspiratorial to say

5. Diavolo’s dad because why are they bringing him up this much… but again this doesn’t totally fit with what we’ve been told about this “demon” so it would need some explaining

6. Someone else completely who we haven’t met or maybe who was mentioned a few times in passing idk

I’m so curious 😭😭😭😭😭 like who tf 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 help

EDIT: ok I reread and y’all I’m 😭😭⁉️⁉️⁉️⁉️ big ol HUGE lesson 10a spoilers below

WHAT???? like Solomon… are you saying my man’s a demon or not a demon like please

“You sound just like a demon” @ nightbringer but then “you think I’m behaving like a demon… but that’s to be expected Bc you made me who I am today” 😭😭😭 Solomon pls explain thank you. Now I think it’s more likely nightbringer IS a demon rather than not but that “you sound just like a demon” line really had my wheels spinning like is Solomon being cheeky or 😭 why would he say that to someone he knows is a demon? Is he just saying “of course you would say that” or is he implying nightbringer isn’t a demon? I’m too deep in the semantics probably. It does seem like nightbringer has to be a demon though…. Right? Like it’s more likely Solomon is saying “you would say that” by saying “you sound just like a demon”? Dude I’m harping on this way too much I gotta stop LMAO it’s probably just barb or diavolo’s dad maybe I think I’m going too deep on this

sorry this post got so unhinged 😭 I lost the thread but at least the screenshots are worth looking at I think

[chimivx]

ok just reread nmwid with allll that context of cruel summer and i am heart broken even more than when i first read it JSAJJKSAJKA soobin is so perfect <3333 i am losing my mind AAAAAAAAAAAAAA

the whole argument with tae when she first arrives at the house all makes sense now. and she finally admits to him that she wished he just communicated with her instead of keeping secrets, which is all i was thinking when reading cruel summer lol. he never told her anything and i guess it was because he didnt wanna hurt her but in the end it hurt her even more, and himself too because there was just so much unspoken words between them. idk if them talking it out at night even did justice to what was left unsaid in the past, bc taehyun did hold back but jksajksakjsa idk idk idk!!!!

and i think if taehyun had just told beomgyu what he told her - that he wanted them to end up together bc they loved each other and realistically tae couldnt be with her, maybe they would have worked out. but idk , maybe something that happened when she was on break with soobin is why they never happened.

now i really wanna know what made gyu go no contact with her haha. i'm guessing it was another selfless act for her benefit just like how tae broke up with her and got with sana lol. theyre so messed up, but like it couldnt have gone any other way bc of how messed up their relationship was AAAAA. theres so much morally gray that i cant even say whats wrong or right. life just works out the way it does :(

but reading back with all the context, its nice to know she finally acknowledged her yearning is useless and that what she has right now with soobin and the 4 kids is good and that she doesnt need to go back to the what was in the past again. also the ending of nmwid still confuses me ajsjksajksa like i feel like the twins are beomgyu's, she even admits that, but why does joy think theyre taehyuns? if she knew about the 2 of them, she must have also known that beomgyu was involved too.....

anyways! lots of thoughts going on in my head haha. i am so glad you will be writing more for this universe, i love it so much <3

AHHHHH!!! You're so brave for doing that bestie omfg :''''')

Taehyun has and always will be HORRIBLE at conveying his true feelings. The man can never speak how he's truly feeling, or confront any of it. He'll try, and as an adult he begins to explore what that's like, but it's near impossible for him!

Reading NMWID is a rollercoaster even more so after Cruel Summer... You are BRAAAVE! <3

The morally grey, ugh, you're so right. It's like on one hand half of it is complete shit... but then WHY DOES IT MAKE SENSE! Ugh!!

Thank you for this, and thank you for reading!! <3

(imagine if taehyun did speak up and told mc & beomgyu what he thought should happen... sheeeeeesh....)

[g0thsoojin]

🦇⛓️

today it hurts really really bad. my heart aches and my chest hurts. and i think of him and burst into tears. i love him so much i wanted him so bad. it all hurts sm bc at one point he talked and wanted me to be with him irl, to come to him. like he wanted that, it's not just my fantasy. but i didnt wanna be too impulsive, i didnt wanna make him promises i wasnt sure i could keep. bc so many ppl have hurt him and i didnt wanna give him hope and then tear it away. i did it out of consideration for him. i wanted to just give myself a chance to feel if i wanted to be with him or if i just wanted to run away from my life. but when i realized the truth in my heart; i love him, i want to be with him, i would face all my fears and issues and forcefully climb over any obstacles just to be with him. it was too late, and i couldnt tell him bc everytime i got closer to the realm of any of that romantic space, it felt like he pulled away and i didnt wanna push him too hard. but because i kept venting on my blog, about my feelings of loneliness and rejection (i mean i told him i was in love with him but he didnt say what he felt. he just said it wasnt a good time?) i made him feel like he didnt matter to me. despite me thinking of him every second of every day, and being prepared to start looking for a job to use my paychecks to buy a plane ticket and go to him tomorrow. i wanted to tell him that i really truly wanted to be with him, but i was scared he'd think i was insane or wasnt ready or rejected me or or or or. i really believed i was waiting for him to be able to talk, which he had pulled away from before. after last time i really thought he'd talk to me and see where we are before he'd fall for someone else. but. i guess that this just means he is my everything but i wasnt to him. and i know that's reality, no matter how much i dont want it to be.

i just dont know what to do now. i feel so lost and aimless without him. for the past year, i have been building up and preparing a future with him. i was really thinking that it would come true. i dont know. i understand that i was incredibly naive and childish. but that's what i've been doing every day for over a year and now it's all gone and i dont even understand why. he wont say that he doesnt like me "that way". the way rejections usually go. it all confuses me so bad. i want him i love him. but he chose someone else. and i dont want my future without him, it's all so dull and bleak and lonely. there are just so many ways we are compatible. like he could've been my dad bf, taking care of me and i would be able to devote myself completely to him (which is what my soul needs) and not worry about work for example (even if i'd be 100% willing to get a job, i have never really fantasized abt not having a job lol, thats not part of my fantasy). i could just love and be loved, be taken care of and take care of him. i dont want a big life with big social circles, which he doesnt either. i dont want children, he doesnt either. but yeah... the way i am, the way my brain is wired.. no amounts of therapy will fix me.. i need to be taken care of. im so passive i dont even live, and i need a partner to help steer me and help pushing me. having him as a dad bf would be perfect for me. because i also fully trust him in not doing it purely for dominating and owning me, he wouldnt ruin my life or force me to do things that would make me miserable. i trust him with me in a way where i would want and be able to let go and give him control, out of love. and i think i could give him the total devotion, the submission he needs to receive. but .. maybe thats just wishful thinking on my behalf bc i love him sm and want to be with him.

idk today it hurts sm. bc mentally i've been thinking im gonna get to focus on fixing up some things in my life, jump on a plane, get to be w him irl and work on fixing a real future for us where we can be together 4ever, and that my life would be me settling into us. but now i have to do my assignments that make me wanna die, i have to show up to school, i have to figure out how u apply to university and get an apartment and not be homeless, how i pay rent how to make my economy work how to get a job and how to do all of these fkn things that makes me just wanna lie down and die. i am not cut out for real life. i dont just say that bc im lazy or wanna be treated like a pillow princess, i just genuinely cannot cope or deal with things. my brain doesnt work properly. im not competent enough to hold down a job let alone actually get one. im not a person who can actually be a person. i need to be someone's pet gf. and i would contribute with everything i could and that was wanted from me. but i cannot be a functioning person. and i dont just mean "i dont want to" the way most ppl feel bc our society is fucked up lmao, i actually cannot even make myself do it. avpd makes u disabled in that way. i cannot actually do anything.

[spurgie-cousin]

Hi Spurgie,

I was wondering if you know something about this: I follow SO many fundie blogs, but none of them show up in my dashboard anymore. Does Tumblr use some kind of algorithm like Facebook where I have to like posts to see the blogs on my timeline? Or did the blogs really just stop posting and dropped off the face of the earth? I’m confused 🫤 and I would really love some more fundie content like yours in my dashboard again. Oh, btw: I turned on the posting notifications for some blogs, but I’d just like to scroll through the posts on my dashboard without needing to access the notifications.

Am I making any sense here? Is this a common Tumblr problem or am I the only one having this issue?

Thank you so much in advance for reading my question.

That has been a problem for me since I made this blog tbh, I've messed with my dashboard settings, I've tried to engage with posts from blogs I like when I see them, and still I can't really get much fundie content on my dashboard, even back when it was busier around here 🫤

I'll get stuff in my "for you" recommendations sometimes, but for the most part I've just gotten in the habit of going to a few blogs I like every once and a while and just going through their new posts that way. Which is not ideal bc my memory only stores like, 3 to 4 urls at a time lol.

So idk tumblr just has a grudge I guess it I've just been missing something. If you follow a lot of different blogs that could be it too, but truly dunno.

[visionthefox]

I love Earth’s new design it’s more fitting though I would’ve loved to have her be plus size that’s the only think I’m going to miss, why do they have to always be skinny? >:c

BM is working with this tails doll named Rodrick or something but it feels the same BM meets someone new and they get used like a tool, Solar (aka Nice Eclipse) helped him get upgrades but I don’t know what episode did I miss that eventually now he is in hated territory by BM, bc that’s the perception I have currently with newer episodes.

I wish there could be a redemption arc but the person I wanted to help BM get better was killed off, I feel like they didn’t know where to go with KC so they just said you know what let’s get rid of it, but I truly feel they had a lot of things that could happen with KC.

Just like when his killing thing came back idk how he managed to suppress it i’m guessing power of friendship and all so now I think they are going to take that route with Ruin bc yes the virus got eliminated and whatever but for him to keep humming “You’ll be back” from Hamilton is sus.

Anyways love talking to you <3

HIII NEW ASKKK!! yea! I think I mentioned it once- but it bother me how she is clearly a big woman! (yea model is messy but! still!) and it made me look at bit confused how the fans draw her skinny! like- even I as an old hater of her respected her curves! :V they missed a chance to make her plus size- shame.. I mad dislike the character- but the fan art was ok- if only they draw her plus sizee aaa also- ye- I know of Tails doll- bothers me that they use an actually cool character like this.. like. cant they just made up a villain? leave my cool creepy TD alone! :C (I cry in Sonic fan!) Also- I am of the idea that KC was better as a "another side of moon" and when he was given a new life- I lost interest- becase he NEVER deserved such chance- he made Moon life miserable for YEARS- then was the FIRST one to use BM- eventually left them - only when they show up- be an ass to what is- in theory- his mini him.. how can KC be of any help? KC was a poorly used character.. also- yea- how the hell does he suddently controled the only reason to be alive? he is a Kill Code- not Rapper Code! or Cook Code! bruh had it easy while Moon had it worse! also..Ruin-- I hoped to maybe see his eps? but also-- ngh.. I cant have the same route I took with Eclipse.. seeying someone so great eat dust- be a walking joke- then be killed in such way.. I cant do that again aaaaaa - cry in spanish- but ah- I love to chat with ya too <3 I love getting these messeges! <3 Hope I wasnt mean! I just love to complain of something I dont even see anymore- feel free to make fun of me haha

[red-dye40]

it’s my fic’s birthday n i just want to take a mome to reflect on this past year of writing my cringe jthm fic because no joke it has been one of the most therapeutic and rewarding things ive ever done for myself so im gonna spill my guts under the cut here in case ur into that sorta thing

no joke i started writing ancillary auxiliary (obvs under a different much dumber name) when i was THIRTEEN. i was perpetually very very scared of and confused by my psychosis—i saw and heard things constantly that no one else did, and no one could explain that to me, which was obviously very isolating and frustrating. jthm made me feel rly normal (like not alone??) and this fic was a way for me to explore and dissect all these things i was processing and experiencing and repressing. i abandoned it like right away because i was a young teen with undiagnosed adhd but im sure it’s still kickin around on deviantart somewhere.

i have struggled w a lot through my years—addiction n subsequent withdrawal, hallucinating nonstop, uhhhh Being Trans In Society, willingly choosing to be an actor bc i am literally insane—and i felt like my brain was only getting sicker, because i never prioritized my health! none of it! but especially not my mental health!

in the isolation of quarantine a couple years ago i had like sooooooo many psychotic episodes, and eventually i admitted myself to a psych ward bc i was so scared and i just wanted to get better finally!

and i did get better! eventually!

it took a lot of hard work, and i was in outpatient for what felt like forever, and i was going to therapy twice a week and trying a bunch of meds and also just experimenting w hormones bc why not. i stopped making art (which truly truly was sometimes the only thing in my life that brought me joy) because the shit i was making was so scary, i just didn’t want to subject myself to that.

eventually i got myself a really amazing job, literally a dream job of mine, and things fell into place, and my job was my whole personality for a while. idk when it happened but sometime last summer i suddenly felt myself really wanting to read jthm again ?? i guess as i was reflecting on all my trauma, and how i used to cope w it as a kid?? but i reread director’s cut and it truly felt like someone unclogged a drain in my head and all this new inspiration and like LOVE for my past self and xir interests just rushed in and it was so exciting!!!!

and i remembered this fic i had started so long ago, and how proud i was of the concept, and i started writing it in my notes app and it got bigger and bigger and i found a little corner on instagram of ppl who liked it (thank u to those of u who are still here rn!!!!! if ur reading this ilysm) and now it’s this! and i love it!

it might just be super self indulgent at the end of the day idk but! i love everything that has come from this fic (and Other Fics i have written 👁️) and i am so grateful to all of u who have read ancaux and enjoyed it and reblogged and left comments like :) thank u so much

there are three (maybe four?) chapters left i literally didn’t anticipate this to go on for so long and i have no idea when it will end but im excited :) and i hope you’ll stick around :) the ending is rly good i think

LOVE U ALL THANKS

[suchsaccharine]

330am and have no intention of trying to sleep at this point. I just need to keep this in the for front of my mind today while I’m working.

Keep in mind that once I leave for work, redo-sing is not an option.

My hs reunion is this weekend.

Gonna want to be rested for that.

For sure.

Actually in the past month (sober) I’ve made much much much more progress in my wl mission than in months prior. Sleeping is where it’s at.

But I had a moment of weakness and I gave in, and now I’ve got to see my decision through to the end.

The end.

-

I want to cut out random drvg sessions. Like randomly ordering ket, c0ke, speed, mdm@ once every other month. Like where would I be if I didn’t…where could I be if I don’t stay right where I’m at? I have a strong argument for the opposite side, but I do consider this.

I think I’m going to try it.

Cut out everything but my dabs and herb.

Might avoid the tempting redbull substitution this time bc that felt great at first, and then it didn’t.

I lay next to my baby while they sleep and I wish I could enjoy watching them sleep peacefully for so much longer. The sun will rise soon.. another day of being flooded with internal declarations of parental shortcomings and failures. I’ve not felt so genuinely ready to not be here since I had convinced myself I had contracted an incurable sti for like a full 6 months in the first half of 11th grade. But this time it’s not cause of inevitable aloneness, or even disliking raising my child, but that I can see almost nothing but mistakes every single day and I’m starting to believe and accept that I’m kind of not the greatest and that he may be happier in the short+long term if I just..went. I know that probably sounds crazy. And I don’t feel like a bad person or a mean person… but I feel like I could be doing better. And I am trying. Like everyday I consciously attempt to be better than the day before, or at least be very self aware of what I’m projecting.. and I still just feel like I’m failing this kid. I see them laugh and smile and joke and goof off but in my mind …. It’s like I’m so worried ab what could be having a last or traumatizing effect on them, that I truly cannot steer my thoughts in another direction. All day. And all night.

I remember feeling this genre of anxiety for the first time - the first night we were home from the hospital. I don’t think I slept at all. Between feedings I was just in shock. And that was over 8 yrs ago.

See, I wasn’t supposed to have them when I did. It was just a check up and their dad just left me 2 weeks prior and I was only 19 and it was over a month before the actual due date. When they put that baby in my chest, I never felt more lost and confused and helpless in my entire life. I felt bad that I wasn’t having that magical moment that you hear about. But I suspected, during my pregnancy, that I might not. Looking back I can see that I had detached myself from my surroundings and my self because my life had become very actively traumatic. It took me years to figure out that’s why I have and haven’t done a lot of the things I did…and didn’t. Maybe within the last 3 yrs I’ve really been trying to come to terms with everything in the past so I can be better from my child today, and tomorrow. But anyway…

Idk why I typed all that out as if I haven’t written about this in other journals. I guess it’s not the backstory I’m fixated on rn, it’s the current climate. I just can’t tell if they’re happy or not. They told me last night about a disturbing nightmare they’ve been having for about 3 months, which is almost how long my partner for 4yrs (-1.5) have been back together. My partner cares for tha kid a lot and is a good role model. But I feel he is sometimes too quick to be too stern. It’s disheartening. But, He will ensure my child has every opportunity for a successful future. And I’m deathly afraid I can’t provide that all by myself. What’s the lesser of two evils? And while my partner is stern, my child usually has an overall positive shift in behavior with them around. But sometimes I can just see where they are miscommunicating and honestly I am often a bit more ‘on the side’ of my kid because as I observe them together, I can basically see what my kid meant by what they said, why they phrased it how they did, why they are frustrated that you don’t seem to be on the same page. I see it play out across his expressive features clear as day.

I’m only one tiny person. I wish I had all the answers. I don’t. I just really really hope the decisions I make about him do not make him worse off than he would be otherwise. God I feel like shit for bringing him into my mess of a life.

[lastoneout]

Ngl I think I am truly about to hit my fucking limit and idk what to do about it anymore.

Ever since my nerve block wore off my migraines have been worse than they've ever been before in my entire life, like I'm literally having one every single day, and I now have severe neck pain on top of it which is also constant, and legit none of my doctors give a single solitary shit.

I tried to bring this up with my pain clinic and the guy just said it was good that the nerve block helped for a month or so, and that my current issues were just muscle pain and I need to go to PT about it, and I can't get in with a new pain clinic bcs my primary never gave me the referral she said she would and no matter how many times I call the clinic and leave messages about it no one ever calls me back.

My neurologist just seems confused that I'm still having migraines despite being on like 6 medications that are supposed to help manage them and she says it in a way that really makes me feel like she thinks it's somehow my fault, and when I brought up the neck pain she just told me to take ibuprofen even though I've told her repeatedly that it doesn't help, and she also said I should do the nerve block again even though it put me in the ER and made everything worse in the long run. Plus I'm pretty sure she'd just prescribe another steroid taper pack and once again ignore me when I say I'm really sensitive to them and they make me feel like shit and the last one didn't help.

I can't take my rescue meds more than 4 times in 30 days and I've already taken it more than that bcs I was desperate. The steroid taper pack helped for like a week before everything came back just as bad as before. I can't take my fioricet because it messes with my birth control and I had sex less than 5 days ago. I can't take the oxycodone they gave me in the ER bcs it makes my migraines "bounce back" worse once it wears off. Ibuprofen still isn't helping.

Do I call my neurologist? Idk what she's going to do, she doesn't seem to give a shit, and there's a solid chance the on call doctor just refuses to speak to me, and my referral to a new neurologist just got turned down bcs apparently the new clinic "doesn't have anyone who can see me for my problems". My pain clinic also doesn't give a shit and frankly I don't even want to be a patient there anymore since the doctor has just made everything worse. Do I go to the ER? I've been there dozens of times over the last couple of months and they can usually make the pain ago away for a day before I'm right back where I started, and they usually just give me fioricet which again, I do not want to risk pregnancy. Urgent care? They can't do anything to help either.

I'm in pain all the time and nothing is helping and none of my doctors care and I just want everything to fucking stop. I feel so abandoned. Like I'm worthless or broken bcs why else would I be treated this way? Why else would all of my doctors ignore me or reject me or regard me with contempt. Being nice doesn't work. Being confident and blunt makes them angry and thus less likely to help me. Breaking down sobbing in their office doesn't do shit.

I'm so fucking done. I just want this to stop. I'm so tired of being strong and fighting and getting nowhere. Fighting is just making it worse. No one who can help cares. I just want to lay down in my bed and wither away, I guess I deserve it for having the audacity to want better. I can't take this anymore, I really can't. But I don't have options. I just get to suffer.

Like the only way I know to make it clear to people that I'm basically at rock bottom is to admit that I've reached the point where I no longer want to be alive and I absolutely know that saying that to a doctor will lead to more problems than solutions. And like, I'm not going to hurt myself, but I've def hit the "life is not worth living" stage and a migraine has to be pretty fucking bad for me to get there.

I just don't know what to do anymore.

[midnightmisadventures]

FUCKK my dreams have been so much and so intense

So long and insane. I know i need to write them but i am truly so lazy this is gonna be a chore but like ???

Okay so during the day yesterday. I had this fucking weird ass dream, that basically this large scale....like idk if it was country wide or worldwide. But it was a large scale environmental.....scandal?? trial? Its so goddamn confusing. 

Basically there were two sides who were viciously against eachother. We were separated by extreme political party sides. Like the other side was the type of republican right wing thats just the WORST. Like full trumpie, rich, scared of diversity making them the minority, racist, homophobic, misogynistic. Just like the absolute WORST. 

And they were versus. My family?? Somehow my family was in the position as the people to face them in this trial. By my family I mean florida and the 5 of us. I don’t know if we had anything to do with the original issue since it was so governmental but apparently we were opposing them. 

The squads were pretty balanced. Like thing of the intelligent, prestigious debaters in our family. (The attorneys, the judges, the pharmacists, the shady business dealers, and the politically obsessed). Plus like me, erikka, dalvin, even some kids were in there. And then there were some moderators. 

Also i guess this was unintentional but they were all white, and we were all black. These people made me so angry, they were arrogant and rude, and entitled and sooooo incorrect like the most frustrating thing to go back and forth with, and try to make people understand basic human rights and such. 

Again, i dont know much about the cause of trial or how we got here. But it was an environment issue. Like they wanted to do some sort of elaborate construction that would damage the earth really bad and have a super negative affect on people. We were trying to prevent them from doing that. 

But we grasped at all types of straws to invalidate the others claims and get the judge? or moderator? to sway in our favor.  There were powerpoints, testimonies. All sorts of back and forth. It was also a several day thing. Every day for like a week we had to go into this building and into this conference room and do this trial. 

I remember thinking how the white people seemed souless. Like not just as an insult but genuinely i had this feeling that they signed a deal with the devil to get their wealth but their souls were gone?? They were just walking redflags when it came to being spiritually sensitive. I mean they were the devils agents. 

So both sides kept digging things up on the other to invalidate our cases, but the stuff they were trying to get out of us was just irrelevant and invasive. Like one point we brought up was that they hid the records from government water testing bc they had been using it to dump dead children/child remains (allegedly). Which is morbid, but in a case about environmental issues is extremely relevant if true. 

They had people that would like come up to us at lunch breaks and try to get stuff. And one of them said to me “yea that guy, who you’re linked to....Liam? DOesnt he have a bunch of serious medical conditions, and has been to the hospital, passes out all the time?” maybe as if to say......any information that i acquired from him or any use of him as an alibi was invalid?? 

And i had to be like what the fuck?? And eloquently explain that like....there are explainable causes to his health issues that arent in his control and he’s extremely intelligent, and athletic, etc..... to defend LIAM like what the fuckkkkkk. Being absolutely grilled. 

Swipe up for part 2 

[menalez]

I saw some ppl asked u similar questions and i thought that i can do it too(?). So could you answer please? if you are comfortable and ok to answer such things.

Am i bi or lesbian?

I have never liked real men. Once(i was 12-13yo) i had something like precrush(?) on the teacher in my school but i had lost my interest really fast.

I still think my classmates are disgusting. Then i realized that all men have something in common. It is in their behavior. But idk. I am not comfortable to talk with them. But girls is another deal. I can truly understand them and i don't feel like they think i am not a human (even if they think so they behave differently)

I had several fictional crushes, both men and women. I had realized i only like men if they match some strict criterias(one of them is that their face must be hidden). The things i like in women not so strict. And i really like their appearances. At the same time men's appearances is mostly - meh. Almost all of them are ugly and meh, but most ppl i knew think they are not. I dnk are their standards so low or its only me. (To be clear i think Its ok to have different opinions on something, i do not try to pull ppl into mine, but sometimes i am just curious why)

I have never ever dated someone. And i don't want to. I think i am not good in my mental state for such things. (Anxiety)

Once i thought i had a crush on my classmate (it was reflection, when we talked i didn't think it was crush, i thought it was strong desire to become a really good friends with her and all). I made this conclusion, because I had i dream where i kissed her in the cheek and after awaking felt peace(i had a lot of stress in that tine and this dream was the only good thing about it). But now i think it wasn't the crush, it was just my desire to not be alone(she was my only friend) and anxiety.

I am in my early 20-s and i dont know anything about life.

tbh its hard for me to judge bc it sounds like ur quite inexperienced so all we can go on here is ur thoughts? to me id guess based on this that ur bisexual but it sounds like you have no idea if youre into men, if youre into women, or if youre into neither. i can understand being confused bc when all u have is ur fantasies, its hard to feel confident and sure of your attractions.

i will say tho, i think the crush on your classmate that you described probably was a crush, not just a desire to not be alone. it seems like youre the type of person to overthink & explain away ur feelings, i get it bc i did the same before coming out as well. but i think dreaming of kissing someone and cherishing that deeply and wanting to be close to them etc sounds. more than just friendly

[trulymadlysydney]

I’m responding to all your notes lmao bc I have no one irl to talk about this movie with!! Also, this is so long omg I’m so sorry 😂

- I never thought about this, but it makes total sense when I think about that small flash back

- Sameee hahah I was like ohh okay

- Great question….I would think so bc how else does he afford to live? But maybe everyone pays him as part of their expenses to be apart of the victory project

- Don’t get me started!!!! Harry with her thighs over his shoulders will be burnt in my brain for the rest of my life istg

- The sex scenes DO add a lot. You know he loves her more than anything. He got them into this bc he thought she was miserable at her job working long hours day in and day out. And he knew that she could live freely and happy in victory. He truly did do it FOR her bc he loves her

- Violet is the cutest but I wonder if she knows some stuff…bc she does seem constantly terrified

- I’m thinking they have weekends free and that’s when the party happened

- Bunny’s nose!!! I didn’t even think of that until now!!!

- I didn’t catch that flashback the first time but today I went 😯

- Ngl the whole thing with Margaret’s son does kind of confuse me…idk

- I noticed that trolley sign the first time and I was like hmmmm

- Blue thing in the sky?? What did I miss??

- The hallway photos!! I love!! They may be a mix of before and after. I noticed at least one looked like he had a mustache

- I need more info on the victory project STAT !!

- I didn’t notice the rings, but I did notice her rubbing her eyes and I didn’t catch that the first time

- No listen!! The whole British thing confused me at first! I was like why is he and Shelley the only ones out in Palm Springs?? And then the end made it all make sense

- The doctor makes me so uneasy. I know he built victory with frank but HOW did he get into this??

- I bet frank is telling him about Alice going to HQ

- Honestly Shelley (Gemma) was amazing in this role

- Dita 😂 honestly watching Harry watch her was so hot

- I feel like he got promoted just bc of Alice and he’s the main girls husband. Just to add drama. I guess we’ll never really know if he did something

- He’s soooo being controlled!! The way frank is acting and the things he’s saying. I didn’t notice this the first time either. But today I was like oh shit. How is this happening??

- I’ve been wondering what that coffee pour could mean…

- Either franks has eyes and ears everywhere. Or he and bunny were in Kahoots. Which would make sense. He keeps her and her children safe and she gives him intel from the women

- GOOD GIRL I DIED!!! I was thinking the same thing about the carrot. Like this is familiar

- Wait how did I not catch frank saying that at the table??

- The flashbacks and how they are so quickly put in are so good and it’s like you blink and you miss them

- Ohh I didn’t think of that…I was just thinking bc it was so common to drink. But that makes so much more sense

- Also a good question lol

- Omg I’ve never seen this tik tok girl but violet is so sweet and must be protected at all costs!!!

- STOP IT RIGHT FUCKING NOW. I AM ACTUALLY DECEASED. I NEVER THOUGHT OF THAT!!! AKAKDBNENW

- This is the part that’s so fucking weird to me!! They don’t even know each other!!!! But are best friends in the simulation

- I didn’t see that interview but I caught that today and was wondering why

- This whole part kind of went over my head the first time. But today it all made sense to me. And I actually do really feel for him. He was in such a bad place. He just wanted Alice to have a good life. While he still had to live that shitty life from like 9-5 every day. He really does love her….

- Violets husband (Ben??) is very …. idek the word lmao kinda like jumpy or like puppy-esque

- The end of this movie has me at the edge of my seat!!! Even the second time and I know what happens lmao I wonder if the explosions fuck up the guys at home simulators

- Yeah the men and nurses are interesting. How did they get there?? And I noticed today the janitors at Alice’s hospital were wearing the red!!

- So I go back and forth. Part of me thinks she did actually kill him. And him “coming back” right at the end asking her to stay with him. But then she doesn’t and it shows clips of her dancing alone irl. That makes me think she got out and is living her normal life again ALONE. But also, if he did die irl, how did she get out of the bed where she was chained and connected?? Idk…

OMG I love you for responding to all of my notes dlkjafl;ksj I'm not gonna reply to every single one of these but I'll touch on a few of them.

I've noticed the blue circle in the sky every time I've watched it BUT last night I came to the conclusion that it may just be the sun dlfakjsdl;fj idk yet

Frank is for sure controlling Jack's dancing and I hate it lkd;fasd

I do think Bunny and Frank are... not working together necessarily but I think they have a mutual understanding.

I also go back and forth about her killing him. I just don't know. The clips of her dancing irl are shown throughout the movie (kind of blink-and-you-miss-it) but Jack is dancing with her. So at the very end, those dancing clips are also flashbacks. BUT YEAH, I do wonder how tf she got out of the bed in the real world daklf;skj

[coop-of-coffee]

The Great s2 spoilers (?)

Okay, I just wanna share my thoughts on something, and that something being: ace Orlo.

So, throughout s1 there was the ongoing joke (if you can call it that ig) of Orlo being "a virgin" and some teasing about him not being into women, etc. Since then, I was very 🕵🏻 about all that, making me think that he was either asexual, gay or both.

On the first episodes of s2, Orlo's uninterest in sex was made clearer. And that's when we get to ep 3: Orlo lets Velementov know he got laid the previous night, clarifies it was with a woman and it was his third time having sex.

Later, we see him passionately making out with a guy, which ends up in them having sex, and we know it was his first time with a man bc he was "experimenting", as he put it. Then is where something particularly interesting comes up: he says it felt more or less the same way than when he had sex with a woman, which, to summarize in a word, basically says it was "meh". Plus, he added he'd rather be reading a book.

Having sex with that man didn't make him have the feelings he was supposed to have regarding sex, it didn't get him there and it's obvious he was trying to (hence the "experiment", which, given his other times with women, he was also experimenting, hoping to feel what was expected of him to feel). That scene, at least for me, was the confirmation that he is asexual.

In episodes 4 and 5, we see Orlo clumsily flirt with Katya, the teacher. And in the following ones, it is clear they started a relationship, which is, to an extent, also sexual. I was kinda expecting the writers to do something like that, because hoping that they would truly look into Orlo's asexuality was, sadly and all things considered, unrealistic.

(not that being ace = not having sex, but in a "he found someone, so he'll now have sex and that's how far exploring this will go" way)

However, I must admit the sex scene Orlo and Katya share in ep 6 kinda reinforces that he's asexual/in the ace spectrum. While he does seem to be enjoying it, it doesn't necessarily mean that he was sexually attracted to Katya (or maybe he was? I feel like that was unclear and it made me doubt a little, but only as to say "maybe he's demisexual"), and it was more of a combination of having her read a book to him, listening to the author's words and an obvious sexual stimuation.

Now, before his relationship with Katya began, I considered him either gayace or aroace, giving s1 and early s2 stuff. When he was kissing that guy in 2x03, he seemed to be way more at ease than in pretty much any other scene where a woman looked suggestively at him, where he'd look away or was visibly uncomfortable. I now think he is biace solely because he did seem to like Katya, but I'd be happy to be proven otherwise, bc I feel there's much more material to back up gayace or aroace Orlo, despite being biace myself.

In ep 9, where he calls things off between them after Catherine finds out about the money, their goodbye isn't sexual. Granted, it wouldn't have to be, but given the rest of the characters and the show itself, you might guess why I point this out lmao.

In conclusion: Orlo is definitely aspec. There's canon material, which includes dialogues, as evidence. While I'm not angry or upset about how things were handled regarding this part of Orlo, I am disappointed because, imo, it had so much potential. I would have loved to see this explored, to have some scene with Katya luring him into her room and him being hesitant or not thrilled about where that was heading. I would have loved to see a scene like the one he had with the man, but with Katya, where he'd actually talk afterwards about how he feels about sex (i.e. neutral/uninterested/nothing). It had potential to be played with, and come up with something funny like, idk, Velementov walks into them and hears them giggle and they're under the sheets or smth but they're just reading and Velementov is confused and leaves but Orlo covers himself either way even tho they were fully clothed. The show already has a lot of sex, so I do feel that not going deeper into Orlo's asexuality was a wasted opportunity.

[rayshippouuchiha]

i gotta be honest, i debated for over a week whether i should say something or not. i'd like to apologize in advance, if what i say here hurts anyone or is wrong, feel free to tell me so and i'll fuck right off. (cw: talk of rasism. i think? maybe? i'm not even sure how to properly warn for this)

i'd like to think i try my best with understanding other people problems, such as poc facing racism. i don't understand it bc i don't experience it, so i do my research and listen to those who do have this as part of their reality and learn what i can from them. but last week i stumbled upon a bit of a wall which left me confused and angry with myself.

it's about the star wars fandom, mainly the mandalorian and tbobf fans. idk how into either of those shows you are, so here are some sparknotes:

- the first four episodes of tbobf came out and they were... eh. not great

- the fifth episode came out, it was great except for the fact that pedro pascal seemed to have hijacked the show. ok, one episode for the exposition, no one loves that the best episode so far happened without the main character in it. i get it, i felt the same way, this is about boba, not din but we'll live.

- the sixth episode came out, still following din, not boba. not cool, nobody likes that myself included. especially since the 5th and 6th episodes were the best ones in the season and you can tell. i hated that, actually. i wanted boba and got the mandalorian season 2.5

but then! poc fans started to shit on pedro pascal for being a white man who hijacked a second show for himself and took away a chance for representation from maori people.

ok, the only thing confusing me here is the fact that the people who say that about pascal now, were the same people who cheered for him being the first poc lead in the star wars franchise when the mando series first came out in 2019.

how is it, that in 2019 he was a poc and now he's white? there are valid things to criticise about episodes 5 and 6, why the sudden need to reach for the racebending? is he a latino man or a white man? what made everyone change their minds about him, besides the airing of those episodes? i want to understand, i truly do, but i can't do that if people change their minds without explaining at least a little.

so, i guess what i'm trying to say is: please explain or if not, pick one and stick with it?

i know how this all sounds, and once again i apologize but i honestly don't know what to do anymore. i want to learn but i don't know what this lesson is trying to teach.

thank you for your time and i'm sorry for being the shit stirer (or, if you decide to fuck it and delete this ask i'm sorry for spoiling your mood)

You seem like you're coming from a legit place of confusion and frustration without any real malice so I'm going to post this and open the conversation for anyone who wants to take it up in the replies/reblogs (not my inbox) as I am 1.) white and 2.) also uninformed on this specific situation.

Let's make an attempt to keep it civil, please.