#im trying to find myself and who i am but theres so much confusion

[morphids]

surrender to the sea, hange zoë

pairing: pirate captain!hange x noble!reader, they/them pronouns used for hange with afab anatomy for both

summary: your father’s shady business deals with a pirate crew lead to collateral damage.

warnings: kidnapping, pwp, explicit sexual content 18+, minors dni (consensual no dubcon here), poc friendly!! hange is a freak, r is SO down bad (same), r is dissatisfied w her life, tension, acc insane executions of gay panic, theres so much exposition before the smut im so sorry bear with me, cunnilingus, fingering, general filthiness — enjoy.

wc: 8.8k, sorry i cant stop yapping.

a.n : listen i tried to stop myself but im weak to my own devil thoughts ok hange worshippers wya

—

Jolting, you sat up in your bed, awakened from slumber by a whipping crash, followed by splintered glass cracking on the hardwood floors of your quarters.

Heart thumping in your ears from the shock, your head instinctively turned towards the shattered window, where the translucent fabric of the curtains were being dragged out with the cool night’s wind. Brows furrowing, your gaze turned to a small, thick object on the floor, illuminated by hints of moonlight, presumably the very cause of the shattering.

You felt an odd feeling, something in the wind warning you that you weren’t alone, you looked over your room, checking for anything out of order. There was nothing out of place, it wasn’t until your second skim over the room that you saw it. A shadow in the darkest corner, the corner where light barely hit it, something to do with the measurements of the architecture, you’d been told. It was there though, undeniably.

“Who are you?” You spoke, shakily, loud against the otherwise still atmosphere, your voice caused a small laugh to come from the unknown shadow.

“That’s your first question?” They spoke, an air of condescension about them.

“I should like to know the identity of the person who has broken into my quarters,” You steeled your voice, trying to portray an image of fearlessness though you were betrayed by the slight tremor in your hands as they clutched onto the bedsheets for any hope of comfort, “May you at least come out from the shadows?” Your fear was definitely betrayed then, as the person stepped forward, the light now casting shadows over their features.

You looked them over, noticing a slight reflection from the glass in their spectacles, a black band covering one quarter of their face, obscuring the right eye. You shook, this was no person from court, maybe not even from this city. Their hardened features, accessories and strange attire placing them from somewhere else entirely. Who is this stranger? What business have they with you?

You find yourself lacking words, having been woken up in such a way was causing a lack of signals to be sent to and from the brain. You were just staring at them, stunned to silence.

“No more questions, huh?”

“I-I just, am confused,” You responded, blinking away tears that formed as you truly grasped the situation you were in, and anything that could happen from here.

“Well, let me explain then,” they shrugged, “You’re coming with me,”

You ogled, “Coming with you, where exactly?”

“As it turns out, daughters are the best way to get a man to pay up,” They chuckled, you didn’t like the implications of this, at all. What did this have to do with your father? Last you had spoken to him, he was furious at you, having been ‘disrespectful’ to one of the countless suitors he had tried arranging for you. You don’t know why he still bothered; every time each one of the suitors had travelled and began any attempts at courting you, you’d reject them.

“I hope you know I’m not going to marry you,” you’d said to one of them, once. You could almost laugh at the gears turning inside their heads as they looked at you as if you were an entity. You’d add in a couple of comments here and there about how their attempts were foolish and in vain, how they coat their dark intentions behind sweet words and promises. You could always see through them. Plus, it was hard to deny the entertainment you’d get from seeing their flustered faces, set on denying all accusations whilst having no actual defence, before huffing and wandering away, not before having words with your father about how they would never marry such a disobedient and insolent woman. Was this your father trying to teach you a lesson? No. That doesn’t feel right, they emphasised paying up. Pay for what? You wondered, had your father been up to something?

“Unfortunately, that makes you collateral,” they paused, looking down as they adjusted the sword that was clinging onto their side, sheathed away, for now. You hadn’t even noticed it before, shuddering as you realised you were completely defenceless. Not a weapon nearby you could use, even if there was, you wouldn’t be able to formulate an attack, regardless. “So, you’d better listen to what I say, and come with me,”

After a beat, with no response, they continued, “I will only ask nicely once, princess,” Sighing as one hand moved to their hip, the other remained on the hilt of their sword, “I’d prefer to do this cordially, if you wanna make it ugly, that’s your choice.”

You blinked, truly at a loss, what the fuck was happening?

“If I go with you, will you tell me what’s going on?” You hated the way that sounded on your tongue, so helpless and lost— a feeling you resented, pride dissipating and crumbling into a tiny speck.

“You have to come with me to find out,”

—

Wood creaked beneath your feet, steps hesitant as the stranger escorted you along the way, your vision totally blinded as they had wrapped a cloth around your eyes. Closing your senses from the rest of the world, all you could do was rely on the sounds of hectic chatter and sea waves, a salty scent around you.

You’d been walking for what felt like miles, but your manor wasn’t too far away from the sea, that stretched out to meet a vast ocean, the only connection between your country and any others. You knew you had been taken to the coast, based on the cries of seagulls and the humming water.

The stranger’s hand was placed on the lower of your back, guiding you, as well as deterring you from any sudden moves. You probably would’ve tried to run away from them, were it not for the clang of metal that was attached to the stranger’s hip.

“Can you at least tell me your name?”

“I think you’re confused on our roles here, sweetheart,” They chuckled, “You don’t get to order me around,” They added a slight push at your back, emphasising the fact that they hold all the cards, whilst you’re just leverage. That was the only part of this you understood.

Sighing, you sneered your lip. You were starting to get pissed off, this stranger completely disrupted your sleep, blindfolded you, is kidnapping you, and you still have no clue as to why. You needed answers.

Your steps came to a halt, when you felt the stranger press you forward to nudge you, you hardened your legs to the ground.

“I’m not continuing,” A pause, “You said you wanted to do this cordially, then tell me your name,”

The stranger sighed, you could almost hear the roll in their eyes, “Look, we’re almost here, okay?”

“Just a few more steps and then I’ll tell you,”

Another nudge at your back, along with a hand meeting yours, “Watch ya step,” They spoke, guiding you up what felt like a ramp, their hand leading you.

A door slammed behind you, the stranger removed their hands and disappeared for a short time before you felt them behind you again, fingers untying the knotted cloth. You let out a deep breath, trying to calm yourself down. Were they going to kill you?

Your eyes felt slightly raw after being covered so tightly for that long, after you adjusted to the air and light around you, you could take in your surroundings.

The room was slightly dimmed, lighted only by a few oil lamps that burned away in their designated corners, you noticed countless jars on the shelves, preserving different sea creatures and other things you could not recognise. Notes and maps were scattered all over the floor and the desks, piles of books, rustic and handmade, but neat and organised— in its own way. This was the room of someone who studied and researched, you could recognise the frantic illustrations immediately, could feel the passion that lingered in the room.

The stranger moved in front of you, “You just gonna stare?” Your eyes took them in now, fully in vision this time, with no more shadows to hide behind, no more cloth. Their eyes were a soft, dark brown, layers of hair falling over the sides of their face, the tips rimmed with leftover structure from saltwater. Strong jawline and a strong nose, their glasses sat atop the bridge, leaning down slightly, the black band you noticed before still covering their eye. Their attire consisted of a loose black, long-sleeved shirt, a large slit down the chest area, not tied with the laces, allowing you to see the vast black strings with pendants that made up the necklaces wrapped around their neck. You recognised it as a shirt that was traditionally stitched for men, though they certainly looked much better in it than any man could. Loose black pants which emphasised their slender waist, with dark long boots, you could see scuffing on the edges of them from wear, the laces splitting from frequent tying. You let out a sigh, before speaking.

“Who are you?”

“My name is Hange,”

“You’re not from this land,” You say, “You’re a person of the sea,”

Hange hummed, their hand meeting their hip once again.

“Are you going to kill me?”

They let out a laugh, one so inappropriate it almost made you feel stupid, “Sweetheart, if I was going to kill you, d’you think I’d have taken you here?”

“Well, it would’ve been foolish to kill me in my quarters,”

“Leverage needs to be alive to be worthwhile, that’s the whole point,” The way they spoke unnerved you, with their charismatic words and smug voice. Hints of a smirk tugging at their lips.

“Where is ‘here’, anyway?” You didn’t feel stable, the floor rocked up and down slightly, your stomach turning a little as you adjusted to the slight weightlessness of the structure. “We’re on water, I can hear the waves,”

“Don’t worry, we haven’t set sail yet,” They walked over to their desk, moving around some papers, studying its contents, “There’s still business to tend to before we do,” In other words, your father.

You watched them, the way their sword clung and clanked against the hardwood of the desk, their tall stature almost reaching the short ceiling of the cabin, hand splayed on the desk for stability. Hair tied up at the back, with strands spilling out of their tie.

“What’s my purpose here?” Your arms crossed over your stomach, fingers grabbing at the sleeves of loose fabric of your nightdress, feeling vulnerable.

“Your father’s in some trouble,” They chuckled, your heart sank, “He owes me,”

“For what?”

“You sure ask a lot of questions, princess.”

“I’m not a princess,” you replied, voice tensing. “Do not address me as such,” Hange’s lips tilted, noticing your misgivings, the tense shoulders and a quip in your upper lip. Distaste. Interesting.

“Your father’s trying to make you one. Queen Consort, as I’ve heard,” Your brows furrowed.

“I do not follow,”

Hange looked up from their pages, gazing right at you. You tried swallowing, throat dry, as they hoisted themselves off the desk and stepped closer.

“He commissioned us, my crew,” Hange spoke, “To track and retrieve the Marleyan jewel.”

“I thought that was legend, an ancient myth of a mystical jewel, passed down from stories.”

“Oh, it’s very real, my lady.” You sighed, at least they were addressing you properly this time.

“And a very dangerous job, at that.” You stared at Hange, looking for any hints that this was just an elaborate joke. None were found, though. They were serious.

“I lost two good men, almost the rest of my crew for that buffoon,” They sighed, a flash of anger in their eyes, rubbing the skin of their jaw, “We retrieved this jewel, and your father tried to rob me blind, I want compensation.”

“Why would he go to those lengths? I do not understand,”

“For you, princess.”

When you did not answer, Hange continued, “Apparently this was his golden opportunity, get the long-desired jewel to gift the King an offering for your hand to the prince. Establish power and riches, and a good suitor for his daughter.”

Your stomach churned, you knew your father was adamant on marrying you off, but this? This was something different, sinister. You knew Hange was telling the truth, the intricacies of the story fell into place too well to be a lie.

Your father was truly a despicable man, hungry for power, and uncaring of those he stepped on to get to his station. Now you were paying for his greed. You think back to your mother, wishing she had outlived him, maybe you would be different, now.

“He cost me two men, our stock and supplies,” Hange pressed, shaking their head, “I can’t have that.”

“So you take me for ransom?”

“If he is not willing to pay up, I’m taking it upon myself to make him. One way or another, he will pay.”

Tears rimmed the ducts of your eyes, you blinked them away, a futile attempt to not show weakness. You know what that meant, either in physical currency or emotional currency, even if he cared little for you, he’d be paying with the loss of a guaranteed seat. To a man like that, that’s punishment enough. You chewed the corner of your lip, nerves eating you up.

“I can’t believe he’d do this,” You could actually, it was more the disbelief of how quickly your situation had changed, “All to marry me off to a disgusting man, be done with me whilst he sits comfortably,”

“You don’t wish to marry a handsome prince? Live a life of wealth and comfort?” Hange looked amused, almost perplexed that this was against your wishes.

“I wish for nothing of the sort,” You sneered, “I crave a life of my own choosing.”

Hange’s features softened, feeling a tug of pity before shutting the feeling down. They almost related to you, almost. Before reiterating to themselves that you were the same as all the other rich nobles. Wealthy and comfortable in your ostentatious manors, with even more ostentatious dresses, whilst the rest of the population suffered, starved and fought for dregs of burnt bread and half pints of spoiled milk. You were no different. No different.

“Careful, my lady, or I’ll sail this ship with you in it,”

You let out a saddened laugh, “Better than what he was planning for me,” You snuck a glance at the circular port window, watching as people were busying themselves with tasks. Filling up crates of fruits, dried fish, barrels of wine and weapons. You mulled for a second, it could be worse, Hange could’ve killed you at the first meet, or even worse, your father successfully got his hands on the jewel, and shipped you off to live a life with a prince who couldn’t even fold his own clothes, or bathe himself. You could visualise your father sitting back, smug and content as he finally got what he always wanted. Abundant wealth and power.

“I do not wish to stay here.” You said, voice more confident than it had been the entire time. Hange looked up at you, surprise taking over their features, “You may demand whatever compensation you require from my father, but…”

“When you set sail, I wish to come with.”

—

Hange had left the captain’s cabin for quite some time, leaving you inside alone as you couldn’t be allowed on the deck yet, not trusted to not do anything stupid yet. They had to check on a few of the crewmates first. You were an interesting character to say the least, Hange could tell you were stubborn, though that’s normal for a high-born, accustomed to making demands and having them realised. It was easy to imagine you not mixing well at court, with your disregard for hierarchy and noble customs. They almost laughed at your conviction when you said you wished to board the ship, of your own accord. The most determined glaze over your features. That was an unexpected oversight, Hange didn’t expect you to go so willingly. A part of them was relieved, content they didn’t need to make it bloodier than it had to be. They have morals, after all. Hurting an innocent woman would provide no respect amongst their crew, not when the real fish was the father.

The crew’s respect and admiration for the captain of the ship was of utmost importance, they need a leader they could trust and admire, it was easy enough to have mutiny on your hands. The ship was passed down to Hange from their father, but the trust and good dynamic of a solid crew, you have to earn yourself. Hange had established that respect from one of their first expeditions, under their confident lead the ordeal had been speedy and efficient. Hange ordered the rewards to be split and distributed as was deemed fair. With multiple feats over harsh waters and perilous expeditions, Hange had consistently proved themselves as a strong leader, they ran a tight ship and their crew meant everything to them.

*

You sat there in your silly nightdress, ennui eating at your brain as you sat, wishing you could change into something else. Arms wrapped around your legs, looking around as you waited. Deciding to get up, you looked around the room, it was rather nice, for what it was.

You walked up to the shelves, sea oddities neatly placed preserved in jars, with linen labels pinned underneath. You noticed various species, octopi, starfish, eels, crabs and lobsters, and other creatures you had never seen before in your books. There were also drawn illustrations of the anatomy, their organs and bone structure— did Hange do all this?

Your eyes trailed around, landing on the maps and compasses discarded around the tables and floor, with coded markings and notes around certain landmarks, sketches of what you assumed to be distant lands. Looking in awe, wandering at all the things you had never heard of, let alone seen before. Hange must be so knowledgeable, so well-travelled, so.. free. All the things you wished you could be.

Running your fingers over the maps, you jumped back into propriety as the cabin door swung open, Hange’s footsteps filling the room. They looked at you, having noticed your sudden switch in demeanour.

“You inspecting my collection, my lady?” Their back was to you, hanging their outer coat on one of the nail pegs that had been hammered into the wall.

“I’m sorry, I..” You looked down, “I was just curious,”

“It’s alright, I’m quite fond of it myself,” They joined you, standing to your side and looking at where you had been caught touching the delicate papers.

“You did all of this?”

“Is that so surprising?” They chuckled, crossing their arms over their chest. “No,” You paused, “I have just never seen anything quite like this,”

“There are many wonders out in the world, I like to keep note of them,” “For plundering?” You joked, too late to bite it back before it slipped out.

They laughed, “Not everything is to be plundered, sometimes it’s enough to just take it in and observe,”

You looked up at them, there was something you couldn’t quite place about them, yet. They were unlike the pirates you had read about or heard bedtime stories of as a child.

“The world has many corners of beauty, they’re deserving of respect and admiration." Agreeing, you pointed at the display of jars, thinking back to your own research on botany, categorized and illustrated, frowning as you realised it was all left behind. All those hours spent bending your neck under candlelight wasted. “I have a similar collection, pressings of flowers and plants- a little like yours, illustrations and marked under their specifications: edible, toxic, healing,"

Hange looked at you, "Sounds wonderful," unexpecting to have anything in common with someone of your stature, and yet, here they were. "It's all in my quarters, so I doubt I shall see it again," You breathed out, trying to not make it seem like a loss. Hange's gaze turned towards the floor, feeling slightly culpable that they had taken that away from you.

Straightening their back up, they moved back to their satchel, opening it wide and grabbing some folded clothing, jars with some clear liquid, slightly cloudy. Moonshine, you noted. Easier to distil your own rather than paying double for liquor.

“This is for you,” They hummed, holding out their hand waiting for you to walk over and grab them.

“What is it?”

“Provisions,” They shrugged, “And some clothes, we don’t have a lot aboard, but you can have my cast-offs, they were going to be left at the port anyway.”

You looked at them like they had grown seven heads, not expecting sudden kindness from someone who kidnapped you only a few hours ago.

“This where you say ‘thank you, Hange’.” There was the smugness again, an impish look on their features, you rolled your eyes you stepped closer.

Grabbing the items from them, “Thank you, Hange,” You felt meek, under their heavy gaze as you said their name for the first time. It felt strange hearing it from your own mouth, “Any longer in that nightdress and I probably would’ve thrown myself overboard,”

They laughed, “Don’t think you’ll prefer my clothes any more, truthfully, but if you’re going to stay here for now, might as well blend in.”

“Anything is better than this,” You ran your fingers over the fabric.

“Get dressed, it’s mealtime soon,” “You’re letting me eat?”

They looked at you strangely, “I’m not letting a person on my ship starve, I’m not barbaric,” They stated as if it was obvious, it might’ve been, but not to you.

“Thank you,”

Nodding, Hange left you to get changed. Giving you privacy as they shut the door behind them, you waited a few seconds before undressing. You weren’t accustomed to wearing pants, nobility requiring you to wear frilly dresses that cut off your circulation and itched at your neck and wrists, you were rather excited to adorn some comfortable cloth, for once.

As you manoeuvred the loose shirt over your limbs, you noticed a lingering musk of salt and sandalwood? It was rather pleasant, you would normally make your own scented oils and perfumes from boiled flower petals, lavender and honeysuckle, plants native to your country. This scent was uncommon, usually gifted to you at court from wealthy travellers. You lifted the fabric closer to you, inhaling, it truly was divine. Is this what Hange smells like? You couldn't honestly say you hated it.

Slipping your legs through the pants, they were a bit over your standard size, you tucked the wide bottoms into your own boots. You were glad you opted for your hunting boots rather than your daily shoes. Not quite sure that you had put everything on properly, as the fit felt odd. Looking down, everything felt slightly too big and made you feel like a child in adult’s clothing. Frowning you tried tucking in the shirt, though that didn’t really seem to help either.

There was a knock at the cabin door, “Are ya decent?”

The concept made you chuckle, Hange treated you with a lot more respect and propriety than some of the men at court.

“Yes.”

“Never had to knock on my own door before,” Hange joked, letting themselves in, gazing over at you in your fresh clothes. Their smile dropped ever so slightly as their eyes travelled over your new attire. Hange's poet blouse hanging on you, you had, of course, actually tied the laces at the chest, you were a Lady after all. Kinda suits you, they thought, before shrugging it away to hidden corners.

"Does it look alright? It's a little big," "You complaining?" You flustered, not wanting to come across as ungrateful, "Not at all, I-" "I'm messing with you, may I?"

When you nodded, they walked up closer to you, eyes unreadable. You stiffened up, back a little straighter when they brought their hands to the bottom of the blouse. Watching their movements hesitantly, Hange did not make contact with your eyes, they were so close to you. Catching that hint of sandalwood again, almost intoxicating as you honed your vision onto their hands. Looking for anything else to concentrate on, it didn’t help much as Hange focused on undoing the bottom three catches, revealing your uncovered abdomen. They grabbed at the two, now separate hangs of the shirt, your breath hitching when their fingers delicately grazed your bare skin, a minute jerk of your stomach as Hange began tying the fabric together so it fit tighter around your waist. So that was the trick to it, then? You must admit, it was an improvement.

You let out a heavy breath when they were done, and finally stepped away. It was harder to breathe when Hange was that close, you will not let that happen again. Feeling far too clouded upon their proximity, perhaps you were allergic to the fragrance, you reasoned.

“Better?” Their voice lowered, awaiting your judgment,

“Much, thank you.”

—

Mealtime came quickly after, you hadn't expected it to be so busy, or so populated. How many people does it take to effectively run a vessel of this size? Hange led you to the upper deck, evidently the largest space aboard, where mealtimes commonly occurred. A large pot of warm meat stew was being led out by a small woman from the galley, placed upon the floor as the crew grabbed portions as they pleased. Hange passed you a ceramic dish, before ladling a couple spoonfuls into your plate.

Thanking them, you looked around, spotting barely any dining tables or chairs, mainly stools or planks of wood nailed together to form a bench, most taken up by the sailors, as others sat themselves in the grooves on the ship deck, some on the rim of the ship itself. You shall not risk that, you thought, still adjusting to the feeling of a rocking vessel.

“You’re probably used to something more polished, but this is how we eat here,” Hange shrugged, “Try to enjoy the stew, Sasha truly works wonders with very little,”

“Landing at port was a godsend, I used fresh meat this time,” The brunette who brought out the food spoke, overhearing the conversation, who you assumed was Sasha. You stilled, this time? What about every other time, you thought, shuddering. Well, no time to adjust like the present. Sticking the spoon into the stew, you took a mouthful, before looking up at Hange in wonder, eyes wide, “This is delicious,”.

“Thank Sasha, she keeps us all standing,” Hange joked, placing a hand upon Sasha’s shoulder.

“What do you normally eat?” You asked, directing your question over to Sasha,

“Usually what we can grab and preserve for a long time, dried meats, beans, your city has a lovely selection of fruits so we’ve stocked some of those, too!” She smiled at you, and you found that she had quite a comforting presence, feeling at ease, you hoped you could form a friendship with her.

Hange excused themselves, as they had something to attend to with someone called Levi. You watched them as they walked away, interacting with their crewmates, laughing with them over something you couldn’t hear. They definitely knew how to command attention, their entire being was self-assured, and confident in themselves and their abilities. Dragging your eyes away, back to Sasha, who watched you with a smile on her face.

“You’re not what I expected when Hange told us the plan,”

“I hope I haven’t disappointed,” you retorted, not really knowing how else one could respond to that. Sasha simply laughed, “It’s a great deal different, but not disappointing,”.

—

You had remained on the deck, the crew wanting to have a little friendly spar for morale. If this was the only entertainment you could get, you’d gladly take it. Having finally secured a spot on one of the benches, you watched as different spars played themselves out.

After a few, though, it was all starting to become a bit monotonous. Feeling your eyes glaze over, you were suddenly conscious of the fact that you hadn’t had a good nights rest since Hange took you, where would you even sleep tonight?

Your attention was redirected when a crewmember called out Hange’s name, challenging them to a spar. The newly formed crowd cheered as Hange made their way into the sparring space. A smirk on their lips as they vaunted, hand clasping their sword as it was unsheathed. Finally take a good look at it, it was a fine piece of metal, sleek and thin. The handle was adorned with intricate patterned etchings.

You took notice of how Hange handled the blade, slender fingers wrapped around the hilt as they pointed it towards the opponent. No shaking, no hesitation. A sturdy, stable grasp, with an arrogant side smile that captivated you, eyes glued on their movements as the opponent tried to disarm them, unsuccessfully. Hange was slightly more agile, their body flowed like liquid, vivacious as they fought. It seemed like they could almost foresee the man’s footing and which way he’d direct an attack. They must’ve sparred together many times. A few more attempts and Hange trapped his blade, lifting his own up and twisting their arm. His sword fell to the floor with a clang, reverberating against the wooden deck.

“Damn it, Captain!” The opponent yelled out, frustration in his voice as he thought he’d actually win this time, Hange only hung their head back and laughed, the strands of hair that edged down their face slipped back, exposing their jaw and neck. A gentle smile escaped your lips as you watched, they looked so liberated, so strong. Hange truly was an enigmatic figure, they carried themselves with authority that you can’t say you’d ever seen elsewhere. They were charismatic, magnetic, you could see that they truly had the admiration of their crew.

“You’ll have to try harder to beat me,” Hange teased, sheathing their sword, a mischievous glaze in their eyes as they landed on you. Your heart picked up, unable to pull your own gaze away from theirs, almost enchanted when you noticed the corner of their lips tilt up.

Breaking away from the contact, you felt your ears grow warm. Deciding to find the wooden deck the most interesting thing around you, until scuffed boots appeared in your line of vision. Looking up, Hange had stepped closer to you, placing their hand into a pocket of their pants.

“Time to retire, my lady?”

Fumbling, you flustered, “Where am I to sleep?” Members of the crew were scattered, some sleeping on the floor of the deck, some had set up rustic hammocks, whilst others continued to wander the floor.

“In my quarters,” Hange stated as if it was obvious, “Unless you’d prefer to sleep next to that lot,” They pointed at the others, crewmates who slept on their stools with their heads resting on their arms placed on the brim of the ship. The expression on Hange’s face made it clear that they were mocking you, perfectly aware of how you would not prefer that option.

“I fear my spine would crumble,” You jested, your lie blatant.

“Come,” They nudged their head towards the stern of the ship, where the Captain’s private quarters were. Hange’s comfortable room with all the fascinating oddities. You’d much prefer sleeping there, you thought.

Following, Hange led you back to their space, all things considered, you felt rather guarded there. Strangely safe and sound. Something tugged at your mind that Hange wouldn’t stand for anything to happen to you, not even for you specifically— Hange’s crew appeared quite companionable, you attributed that to their leader. You wondered how far those pleasantries extended, what acts of horror were allowed and which were not.

Closing the door behind them, Hange hung up their outer coat on its peg, rolling their shoulders as a minor stretch. Bringing their hands up to the back of their neck, rubbing the tender muscle atop their skin.

You stood, clutching your elbows under crossed arms. The silence in the cabin contrasted the raucous crew outside, some still sparring.

“Was that moonshine?” Your voice broke through the quiet, looking towards the jar of liquid Hange had brought you as 'provisions'. "No, it's grog," "Grog?" "Rum and water," Pulling a face, you continued.

"Is it good?" "Not really, but we don't drink it for its taste." Nodding, you picked up the jar, inspecting. "Did you make it?" Hange scoffed, smirking to themselves, their arms coming to cross over their chest, "It's far easier to steal from merchant ships, they're always overloaded with stock," "I see."

"I think I would like to try it," Hange raised their eyebrows at you, a playful look struck their features. "Oh?" They continued, "I brought it for you, thought you might need a little pick-me-up, have at it."

Uncorking the jar, the aroma of the liquor invaded your senses. "It smells strong," Hange nodded, watching with a devilish face as you brought the rim to your lips. After a gulp, you couldn't hold back a cough as the force of the harsh drink burned through your throat, your lips twisting and your eyebrows squeezing together. "That's revolting," "Yeah, it's pretty bad," Hange laughed, grabbing the jar from you and taking a bigger gulp for themselves, passing it back to you. Truly, you don't know what possessed you to take another sip, but it became easier to tolerate.

A few half hours passed, and you had placed yourself on Hange's wicker couch, your bed for the foreseeable. Arms wrapped around your legs which pressed to your chest. You were definitely feeling the effects of the liquor, tolerance much lower than Hange's, who sat on the floor beside the couch. Feeling far more relaxed, your tongue was a tad looser, speaking to and asking Hange questions you would've otherwise probably not asked. Truthfully, you were curious, there was a lot you wished to learn about them. When you first met Hange, you expected a lot of things, you didn't anticipate them being quite as respectful and honourable towards you as they were. There was more to them than what was seen on the surface, you wanted to see what lay deeper.

"But why? Why do you choose to live a life of piracy? Wouldn't it be far safer to live on land?" "Not everyone is lucky enough to be born atop riches, that's an irregular gift given only to a few," Hange spoke, their words thoughtful despite having drank even more than you, "Life at sea is more forgiving than the hardships on land." "Yes, but... there must be something else, even with the hardships at land?

"No offence, my lady," Pausing, "What would you know of hardship on land? My father worked his hardest, damn near broke his back, just to be cheated and stripped of his dignity by the greed of others." Looking down at your knees, a pull of guilt struck, knowing that it was because of people like you, and your father.

"This was his way of ensuring his own future, on his own terms and not under the boot of the wealthy who build their livelihoods on the backs of others." Hange sighed, taking another sip of grog, "At least on the sea, what you see is what you get, fight for what you want and share the rewards. It's not the most honest work, yes, but it's far more honest than those sitting in ivory towers clicking their fingers for anything they desire."

You watched as Hange spoke, their words were true, honest reflections of everything they stood for. Pirate or not, Hange had more substance than you'd ever encountered in anyone else in your life. More than those who coat their words with sugar, kissing up to their higher-ups all for a sliver of what they had.

Hange passed you the jar, and you swallowed another sip, barely tasting the alcohol by this point. This was the first you had heard of Hange's family. "I understand that," you hummed, "I've always thought it unfair, why others are seen as less based on menial things such as money. I suppose my father was my introduction to that, a part of me has always despised him."

"I wondered why you came with me so willingly, though if I had your father I would probably have been similar." Laughing, you nodded, "Truthfully, I have felt disillusioned from my life, perhaps I wanted something refreshing, a different way of being."

"Besides, you intrigued me, I find you fascinating," Your words slipped out, the grog having seriously impacted your inhibitions. Hange's eyes met yours, impish and deviant. The edge of their lip quipped up, delightfully amused. "Is that right, my lady?" They leaned their weight on their right hand that was pressed against the cabin floor, as their left remained hanging off the leg they had propped up. Your skin burned underneath their gaze, and you found that your tongue shattered. Unable to respond, all you could do was meet their half-lidded stare, thunder in your chest, as it lifted up and down. Shit. "I think that's enough grog for you, princess,"

Breaking contact, you pointed at Hange's shelves, to where their collection lay, clearing your throat before speaking. "Like your collection, it-it's fascinating, I wish I could've grabbed mine," You deflected, altering the matter, anything to stop the thunder in your chest and remember yourself. Anything to stop the blaze before it spread far beyond control.

"When we set sail, you can start a new collection." They softened, "One with all the new plants you'll see,"

—

You felt like shit the following morning. Head thumping with each movement, you could only sit on one of the benches with your hands holding up the weight. "Grog fever?" Sasha's teasing voice rang out through your ears, "Been there."

"This is awful," "First time?" "Obviously," You rubbed your eyes, as Sasha lightly patted you on the back, "You'll survive,"

Two presences joined you and Sasha at your bench, one was shorter with black hair, and the other stood upright, with scraggly blonde hair. "This is Levi, he's the First Mate, pretty much Hange's second in command," Sasha spoke, introducing you, "Don't mind him, he's a bit of an ass." "The other is Reiner, also a bit of an ass," She giggled, finding entertainment within herself.

Levi nodded at you, a silent greeting which you didn't mind as listening and speaking were already hard enough with the thumping in your head. Reiner looked at you, before pulling his hand out to meet yours. "Lovely to meet such a beautiful lady," He declared, eyes scouring down your body, "I'm looking forward to having you aboard," His words reeked with flirtation, his cold eyes geeking you out, discomfiting, not like the handsome brown ones you melted into yesterday.

Almost as if reading your mind, Hange appeared, they had left the ship this morning, as apparently, they had some errands to run. Hange set their hands on Reiner's shoulders, carrying an indistinct countenance. "Reiner, I have matters to discuss, come," They spoke, before walking a few steps ahead, waiting for him near the stern, arms crossed.

"Coming, captain," Reiner followed their lead, you kept glancing over to them as Sasha picked up chatter with Levi. You were straining your ears to catch snippets of their conversation, a little difficult over Sasha's voice in front of you, the little you could make out came from Hange: Not this one.

As you switched your attention back to the table, wondering what the hell that was about, you had just bypassed Sasha's looking towards you, her brows crinkling and face pulling into a look of recognition. Huh, she thought, how about that?

—

As the day passed, the time to set sail was nearing, planned for sometime within the next two days depending on supplies and readiness. Apprehension was harder to ignore, you thought about what your father was currently doing, and his reaction upon discovering you had not been in your chambers the following morning. Mulling, you cackled to yourself, clasping your hand over your mouth to mask the giggles as the gravity of what you had done struck you. Never did you imagine your life to end up in this way.

Hange entered their quarters, hanging up their coat, "What's so funny?" " "I just can't believe what I'm doing," your laughter settled down, breathing returning to standard as Hange placed themselves next to you on the wicker couch. "Yeah? You 'n me, both," They chuckled, pausing, "Hey, uh- I wanted to give you this,"

You studied them, catching a modest element of hesitation on Hange that you weren't familiar with seeing. Hange handed you a book, of beautifully bound brown leather, the spine stitching exposed with light-coloured thread. "What is this for?" "You left your notes behind, so this is for your new collection," You gaped at them, prompting Hange to continue, "For all the new plants you'll see and learn about,"

Wordless, you looked between Hange and the book in your hands, feeling the skin at your cheeks heating up. "Hange, this is- thank you, so much," Nodding, Hange steeled, standing themselves up, nearing the door before speaking, "The shantyman is going to play for a while, the crew loves him, so you don't wanna miss it," It was customary for ships to bring musicians. They'd sing songs and play tunes to boost morale amongst the crew, to carry them through the harrowing nights, and oftentimes even spread their hopes for some romance. You definitely wanted to witness it, Hange held the cabin door open for you as you both made your way to the deck.

The musician was doing his thing, leading the crew in song, banging a drum as melodies rang through the vessel. You noticed Sasha dancing with the crewmembers. It was a little overwhelming, the events you had attended at court were much milder and reserved than this, uppity, really. People would rarely dance, it was almost taboo. This was far distant from that, it was fun, delightful even—almost hedonistic in style.

You weren’t quite sure how to join yourself with them, the dances varying from person to person made it hard to fall into a step. Hange noticed your hesitance, before clasping your hand and pulling you towards them. Their hand resting upon your waist, drawing you tighter as they moved into a dance. The air in your lungs tripped over itself, shortening your breath. Stomach pressed against stomach.

Looking up at them, Hange donned a smug smile, higher up on one side of their mouth as it hung from their lips.

“Dance with me, princess,” Hange hummed, their voice lowered. There came the thunder in your chest again, the blaze was spreading.

“I’ve told you to not address me like that,” You whispered, the contention you planned on executing in your voice was nowhere near where you had planned. Instead, it was mild, for fear that would fumble over your own words, as your tongue shattered once again.

“I can’t help it,” They grinned, skimming over your flustered appearance. You don’t know what kind of sorcery Hange held, what alluring magnetism in their blood drew you to them. You felt yourself begin to melt into their tempting gaze, as you blinked.

“Careful, don’t look at me like that or I might begin to get the wrong idea,” Hange’s head sank towards your neck, your breath hitched. Their proximity was intoxicating, you found you couldn’t bear the weight of it. Pulling yourself away from Hange, you rushed to the cabin, pushing open the door and letting yourself inside.

Letting out a bulky breath, your face was burning up, body temperature way over standard as you rested your hands on Hange’s desk. Clamouring to compose yourself. Hange knocked at the door, before entering. Shutting your eyes, you remained still.

“You okay?” Ignoring them, you relented in your stance. The tension in the room increased, heart pulsing as you heard their footsteps reach close.

“I think I have fever,” You mumbled, Hange was right behind you now. You could feel their warmth reaching your back.

“Stand and face me, dear,” An assertive hand maintained at your waist, turning your body toward them Hange held down your gaze, keeping their hand in its place, squeezing. “This is no fever,”

Their free hand came to meet your jaw, thumb ghosting over the soft skin. Hange lowered their head towards you, their face so near, your sanity was in a thick haze, heavy and clouded. "I can see the dark in your eyes, my lady," Hange hummed, relishing in the glaze in your eyes, at the darkness pooling in your pupils as you glimmered up at them, eyes doe and lips plump from biting. The heat from their voice raised your skin, touring down your spine as an ache between your thighs pulsed.

Hange's lips brushed against the velvety flesh at the base of your neck, tentative. You shivered as you felt their lips leave delicate kisses, hand tightening around your waist. You shut your eyes, reeling in the sensation as Hange's igniting touch drew shaky breaths. Thighs clenched together as their lips reached the base of your ear, teeth tugging at the skin. You whimpered, as Hange's hands grabbed at the top of your thighs, just underneath the curve of your ass as they directed you to the top of the desk. Placing themselves between your thighs, before whispering, "Will you indulge me, dear?" With another kiss on your ear, you crumbled, arms wrapping around Hange's neck as your legs folded around their waist.

"Please, Hange, I can't bear it," You panted, core clenching around nothing, as desperation took over. Hange sighed, hearing their name fall from your lips as your body trembled was a sight to behold. Their lips finally landed on yours, tongue pushing into your mouth. Quivering hands grabbed at the back of their head, tightening around Hange's hair, trying to release the buildup of tension in your bones.

Lips broke apart, "Do you know what it does me seeing you wear my clothes?" Voice impassioned, almost hoarse. The hand at your hip moved to the catches at your shirt, reminiscent of the way they grazed your skin that day. Undoing the catches, your abdomen and breasts exposed, goosebumps forming from the sudden coolness of the air. Hange observed as your stomach jerked, smirking as they watched how your body responded. Hand slipping in between the open fabric, meeting the bare skin as you gasped before the shirt slid off your shoulders and onto the cabin floor.

Hange whined at your revealed skin and dishevelled state, the most disordered they had seen you. Their hand cupped your breast, watching as your lips parted and the sweetest cries escaped. Fingers stroking at your hardened nipples, as your pants were slowly being dragged down your legs. Your hips squirmed as Hange went on their knees, head just at the top of your shins. One hand still massaged your nipple whilst the other was around your ankle, holding your leg in place as they lapped their tongue up the skin, retaining steady eye contact. As their tongue reached your inner thigh, your head hung back, and you bit back choked whimpers, hips jolting with anticipation.

"Hange," you rasped, squeezing your thighs around their head, your nails coming to meet the top of the back, "Yes, my dear?" "Please," you pleaded, you had already come this far, you needed to feel it through, you could barely sit up, losing strength in your back. "Patience, sweetheart,"

Fingers left your breasts and made their way to the hem of your underwear. Hange bit their lip at the line of the dampness that had seeped through the thin fabric. "Fuck," they mumbled, tugging the material down where it remained hanging at your ankles, so dishevelled, so messy.

The tips of Hange’s slender fingers reached your dripping heat, arousal covering your thighs as they ghosted sensual touches over your warm slit, puffed and leaking. Thighs tensing as the feeling released itself as strangled whines. Hange was obsessed, exhilarated by the sweet sounds that left your dear lips.

“Fuck, Hange,” Hips rolling into their fingers, pressing closer for more touch, chasing the sensation as it came, "That feels fucking good," "Such rotten language," Hange taunted, the tip of their finger burying into your soaking entrance, stretching the silky walls, “Looks like I’ve been a bad influence,”

Leaving a few more kisses on your thigh, Hange stood back up to reconnect your lips, teeth nibbling at your bottom lip. The kiss successfully distracted you, as more fingers entered, slowly rocking into your flesh, as bliss overtook the initial sting. Hips began to tilt, grinding against the pressure. The sounds leaving you were indecent, vulgar, as Hange augmented the pace, rocking their fingers into you. Suddenly you were glad for the singing out in the deck, obscuring the noise within the cabin. Your head fell into their neck, whining as you could only sit there and take it. Fingers stuffing your swollen centre, pressing against the squishy barriers.

The muscles in your abdomen tensed, clenching around Hange's fingers as your hips buckled. "That's it, dear, you're taking it so, so well," Your eyebrows pinched together, voice escaping you, "Taking me like such a good girl,". Hange spoke, voice purring. That was the nail in the coffin; the honey in their words, the strain in their voice as you felt your release shattering through you. Hips convulsed as your arousal spilled all over Hange's fingers, grabbing their shoulders for support. A few more pumps and Hange removed their fingers, looking down at your clenching hole at the trickling cum, their hand completely drenched.

Hange kissed you, before you broke away and uttered words that led Hange to understand they could never have their fill, "More, please," you begged, voice breathy and whiny as you tightened your legs around their waist. Chuckling, endeared Hange responded, "My, my, dear, you're truly filthy."

Hange moved themselves down to your pussy, still swollen despite its release. With a quick glance back towards you, cheeks flustered and eyes black. Desire tensed your features as your chest heaved up and down, breasts exposed and legs spread, quaking. Such a heavenly sight.

A touch over your slit, Hange spat on your folds, the sight eliciting languid moans from you. It truly was filthy. Pussy clenching with desperation as it grazed you, spreading down your slit with the weight of gravity. Hange pressed their tongue against it, carelessly lapping up the cum that had been leaking out of you. Frenzied guttural groans liberated into your centre as they sucked, the vibrations left you reeling as your hand came to clasp your breast, kneading. Trailing over your own nipple, Hange was not about to accept that, slapping your hand away and rolling their fingers over the bud.

Overstimulation left you choking, tears spilling from your lids as Hange worked their warm tongue over your sensitive folds, drinking in the saltiness as one hand played with your nipple and the other ghosted over your opening. Thighs tightened around their head, cutting off Hange's air supply as you rutted your hips over their face, pushing yourself closer against their tongue. Nose nudging over your clit as their head bounced against you.

“Hange, fuck— I’m, mhm- I’m gonna cum, please let me come,” You babbled, stammering. Needy. You took them in, nose, chin and cheeks wet from your arousal, saliva running down; their eyebrows pulled together with determination and eyes rolling with indulgence, as if you were the tastiest meal they ever had. The taught restraint you had carried your entire life totally dissipated as you surrendered to Hange’s command over your body. Fingers filling into you, knuckles deep, rubbing over the squishy flesh. The added penetration forced out the second catharsis, sucking Hange in as you released over their face, tainting their glasses.

Resting your back on the desk, breaths heavy as you came down from whatever entity had possessed you. Panting. You covered your face with your hands, as your clandestine actions struck you. The drunken, indecent impropriety you fell into and enjoyed.

“No use being bashful now, my lady,” They teased, dragging away the hands that obscured your face. Grabbing your face, reconnecting your lips with gentle touches. Kisses so tender you couldn’t find it within yourself to see anything wrong.

How could something so honeyed be perverse?

—

um yeah, this is my application to hell…

[uravityxo]

hello friends,, i just coming here to say smth !! im feeling a bit anxious rn about everything and i wanted to say some stuff and then add some of it to my pinned post too :3,, putting this below cut as its a bit negative !! so warning for that <3

first thing ; i am autistic and have adhd,, i find social cues a bit confusing and sometimes i just miss them,, i can also misread things or interpret them the wrong way !! i am also a very enthusiatic rp partner <33 i like to talk lots and i message people i think are happy with me and dont mind my rambles !! however ,, if ive ever got the vibes wrong and my messages are TOO MUCH - please, please, please let me know,, i never want to bother anyone or anything !!! i am just a super happy gal who likes to yap yap yap away. if i ever say anything that upsets you or anything, let me know! its never my intention to hurt anyone, i can just be a bit silly sometimes,, !! sometimes i just need brutal (or maybe polite) honesty !!

second thing ; i am overwhelmed right now by what to do on this blog, i know i've made lots of posts and i know this is for fun ,, but theres so much in my drafts i am struggling to even write as i see the number in my drafts and shut down :(( i am trying though ( i really am!) !! today is izukus birthday so im going to focus on writing that stuff today,, but yea,, i am really struggling to deal with stuff </3 so im sorry i am posting one reply every few days,, i wish i could do more !! but yes,, anyways !!

third thing ; i can be a bit forgetful!! when it comes to blog rules, interactions and dnis and stuff,, so if i ever mess up a rule or get something wrong i apologise SO much !! i wanna get things right and i do check rules often for blogs to remind myself but i may slip up and that stresses me sometimes :((

fourth thing (sorta) ; please let me know when i fuck up!! im just a lil dude trying to get by in life,, i just like having friends and stuff but sometimes i do wrong !! and whilst it isnt intentional its still smth which is important to apologise about and talk it through !! if i ever do you wrong ,, just know your feelings are valid and its okay to be mad and get angry at me !! just let me know what i did so i can improve on things in the future <33 :3

[ghoulodont]

ok i want to make just one post about my thoughts & intentions from my latest fic. based on the tags/comments you all left it seems that overall everyone understood me. but theres one additional piece that i think i didnt represent well because its confusing, and that maybe would be hard to pick up on anyway because, again, its confusing.

i think dew is both aware and in denial in a way that might seem contradictory. he claims to know something is wrong, and that he knows it more than anyone else, but he rejects rains urging for him to actually address the problem. i suppose you could read it as him being deceptive in some way but i wanted him to be very very honest. he is genuinely struggling to wrap his head around these seemingly contradictory thoughts.

my intention was for this to parallel what i perceive to be an inherently contradictory aspect of psychosis. because what youre experiencing feels real to you, it sort of feels normal. it feels like something happening outside you. compare it to anxiety, for example -- both can be distressing experiences out of your control but anxiety is something that happens inside you (perhaps in reaction to external events, but the anxiety itself is yours), while psychosis, generally speaking, feels like it belongs to the outside world. in reality its an experience that isnt shared by others but it really feels like it is, or that it could be. maybe this is sort of obvious based on the definition of psychosis but i feel like just considering the definition doesnt quite do it justice.

and because it feels like it belongs to the outside world it can be challenging to confidently distinguish between things that are real to everyone and things that are real only to you. some external reality checking logic needs to be applied. again, maybe this is obvious. i guess what i really am trying to lead up to is how in this dichotomy between sensory experience and logic, its so hard to not believe your sensory experience, in a sort of lizard brain screaming at you way. it just makes so much more sense if your experience matches reality than to jump through a bunch of hoops reminding yourself why it doesnt. occams razor says you dont have schizophrenia.

this experience, which at its extreme would mean being unable to tell that you're unwell, is considered a core dimension of schizophrenia. people who get really medical and scientific with it will say its because of something happening in the brain (isnt everything?) but i think what i described above fully explains it. its confusing, so it makes sense to be confused.

honestly i think this adds to the conflict, that providers can be very quick to doubt your description of your own experience because they try to correct for this "blindness". its dehumanizing to be viewed this way. i really think it makes everything worse by playing into the "split" between ones thoughts and reality. i find myself not wanting to share things if i know im going to be argued with, and then by pulling away im losing one more point of contact with the outside world.

but besides all that i do think for dew theres an aspect of just plain denial & avoidance as well. a good 20% of the original blur turns to haze fic was about how miserable it is to take antipsychotics but it was mostly focused on the side effects. in my experience even once you find one where the side effects are tolerable its still unpleasant. in the same way antidepressants might cause you to feel somewhat emotionally blunted antipsychotics are like that x1000. they really do feel like a drug you give someone to make them shut up. maybe thats just me.

anyway, this is something i want to focus on in chapter 4 of you will die again...... which i am totally working on. i would be curious to know if this aligns with how you read the fic or not but no pressure of course

[glitchdollmemoria]

preemptive warning for discussion of violence, abuse, and sexual assault in the links ahead

one of the many frustrating parts of schizospec paranoia is that, when it comes to more realistic fears, it gets hard to tell whats The Mental Illness and whats actually justified, at least to a degree. people with schizospec disorders are more likely to be the victims of violence, with some estimates claiming those with schizophrenia are 14x more likely to be victims of violent crimes than they are to commit violent crimes and twice as likely as the general public to be victims of violent crimes, and people with "severe mental illnesses" overall have been repeatedly reported to be at a much higher risk of being the victim of violence.

when you account for other factors which can put an individual at further risk of violence and abuse - physical and intellectual disabilities, race, gender, sexuality, or religion for example - you can easily see that theres plenty of fuel for persecutory fears.

when you account for the fact that schizospec disorders, especially their paranoid symptoms, can be exacerbated and even partially caused by trauma such as being the victim of abuse, and the revictimization rate for victims of such mistreatment, even more fuel is clearly being added. schizospec symptoms can easily mesh with symptoms of ptsd, resulting in paranoid fears that are, to some degree, based in factual events in a persons life.

so, with the way schizospec disorders muddle up our thought processes, it becomes especially difficult to know whether our fears are based in any form of fact or not. i experience fears that people are obsessively attracted to me, because ive been mistreated by past partners and by those who i wasnt involved with like that but who still took their own feelings for me too far. its difficult for me to discern whether people are actually attracted to me, and wanting to harm me because of it, or if its all just my synapses misfiring. i simultaneously have a constant feeling that the people around me are scared of me or see me as less than a person, and are therefore planning on causing me immediate harm or working behind the scenes to ruin my life, but these fears draw on actual experiences of being told im scary or pitiful or lesser, having people actually make efforts to hurt me in one way or another, so on and so forth. i am not the only one experiencing this, im confident.

and then you factor in the fact that those of us with schizospec disorders are most often socially isolated to some degree - the dsm even lists social isolation and difficulty maintaining close relationships to be a symptom of schizotypal personality disorder, for one thing i remember off the top of my head. were seen as strange, unnerving, unnatural, our behaviors are abnormal, we dont connect with others the way we "should", we communicate in confusing ways. every day i feel as if i have an aura emanating off of me that other "normal" people can sense, that tells them im a threat. and so it becomes increasingly difficult for us to find support, for our symptoms, or for the aftermath of discrimination and violence. we often arent truly "people" in the eyes of non schizospecs, rather were psychos, crazies, potential killers. we become collateral damage, acceptable targets. and it becomes easy to brush off our concerns for our own safety, because its more convenient to chalk things up to us just being delusionally paranoid rather than putting in the effort to actually examine the situation and the facts of how dangerous life is for mentally ill people.

i know that my thinking is disorganized here, and im doing the "flowery language" thing because its a serious topic and its hard to put into more succinct terms than dancing around what im saying. so i hope that what im trying to say is actually coming across clearly. my point is that im tired of second guessing myself and never knowing whether my fears of persecution are based in fact or not, and im tired of the social isolation that comes with this shit. im tired of feeling like if anything happens to me its going to be brushed off as just symptoms and not a real problem that matters to anyone except me

EDIT 8/19/2023: because i got reminded of this old post, i want to add that since posting this ive realized i also have npd. usually i keep my npd talk to a side blog because im not super comfortable talking about my symptoms on main, but i do want to add the clarification that the paranoia i talk about in this post is ALSO very very heavily tied to my npd in addition to my being schizospec. and in a way that makes me feel even more vulnerable, because people with npd tend to be villainized and treated as if our problems are just exaggerations to get attention. so when you combine the stigma against both conditions... its fucking rough out here, idk what else to say.

[vvkiflo]

Monica & Irene - based on a real story.

i have a perfect life.

im popular in school

i have many friends

my home life is not so perfect

but im happy.

sometimes.

everyone has voices in their head,

they’re either the good voices

or the bad ones, no in between.

but mines is right next to me

its a girl at my school.

shes not real.. at least i think.

shes odd.

she sticks to me at school and tries to talk to me.

i ignore her, of course.

because shes not real.

but theres some moments where she will speak directly to my friends.

i don’t.. have an explanation for that.

like i said,

shes odd.

Irene is odd.

“Monica!”

i ignore her.

she starts talking about herself.

Irene tells me that she cut herself last night.

why would she tell me that?

i mean, i cut myself too. but i don’t tell anyone.

but then again,

Irene isn’t real.

she isn’t real.

but when i walk into the bathroom and i see tissues and tissues used to clean up blood…

why do i think of Irene?

im going crazy.

that night, i cut myself.

i haven’t done that in awhile.

it felt good.

the next day, Irene asks me if i cut myself too.

i am not surprised that she knows.

because after all, Irene is me.

I think.

I ignore her again.

I walk into my class and she walks into hers.

I talk to my friends and act like nothing happened.

one day, Irene was gone.

she disappeared. literally.

i thought i finally stopped hallucinating.

the voice in my head was gone.

finally.

I soon put two and two together and realize Irene was put in a mental hospital.

good. i thought.

but doesn’t that mean shes real?

Irene comes back and starts telling me about her mental hospital visit.

i ignore her.

suddenly, she grabs my wrist and starts running with me.

it was embarrassing.

but Irene was laughing.

she looked happy.

this time, it was impossible to ignore her.

i ask her, “who are you”

Irene looks at me in confusion.

she doesn’t get the chance to answer me.

a school counselor takes her from me and walks away.

I pay no mind and go to class.

she isn’t real. she isn’t real.

i repeat to myself over and over again.

im going crazy.

now theres more voices.

im hearing too much.

they tell me to get up and go to the bathroom.

they tell me to go into a stall and cut myself.

they tell me, “go deeper, Monica”

“Kill yourself, Monica.”

before i knew it, i had seriously cut myself.

id need stitches.

i start to cry.

i miss… Irene.

I walk out the bathroom with a bloody arm.

I make blood marks where i walk on the floor.

wheres Irene?

I miss Irene.

obviously, someone comes up to me.

They tell me something, they look concerned.

I look beyond them, wheres Irene?

they ask me questions.

i don’t answer. more like, i cant hear them.

nothing makes sense.

i feel like i am floating.

off into the ocean

with my two arms and legs paralyzed.

i cant move.

do i even have arms and legs?

who am i?

when i come to, i find myself in a hospital.

there are two people tending to my cut.

i still cant understand them.

are they speaking english?

are they speaking spanish?

i cant tell.

they put me in a wheelchair and wheel me to a different room.

in this room, there are more kids.

they look crazy.

i shouldn’t be here.

wheres Irene?

i still don’t know whats going on.

i want to tell Irene what happened.

i want to tell Irene that im scared.

the voices in my head speak to me again.

Monica, you have to run.

Monica, they’re trying to hurt you.

Monica, please get to safety.

Monica, theres someone behind you.

woah. what was that?

Monica, if you turn around, it’ll slit your throat.

I listen.

I look straight ahead to where the nurses continue to communicate with me.

they cant see the person trying to kill me right now.

I sit there and refuse to move for who knows how long.

the voices speak again.

Monica, it has a knife to your throat.

Im scared.

I turn around and look for the killer.

no one is there.

its a wall with animals dressed as nurses, telling kids to brush their teeth.

I let out a sigh of relief and cry.

I am crying so hard i think i might die.

I feel something sharp on my wrist.

ice.

the nurses are pressing ice against my wrist to bring me back.

they put me to sleep and i let them.

when i wake up, i can understand them this time.

they ask me if i remember yesterday.

i tell them no, i can only remember Irene, the cut, and the killer.

they write all of this down, i assume.

they ask me, who is Irene?

I tell them Irene is a physical voice in my head.

I tell them Irene is me.

They ask me on my interactions with Irene.

i tell them i ignore her, because shes not real.

i tell them she talks to the people around me sometimes, which i don’t understand.

they ask me if i see her outside of school.

i tell them i only see her at certain times at school.

They tell me Irene is real.

I tell them no shes not, and that they’re crazy.

They move on and ask, “who’s the killer?”

“I don’t know, I just met him.” i say.

They write this down and ask me more questions, but i don’t really remember them.

They tell me they have decided to diagnose me with Major Depressive Disorder (MDD), Anxiety, and Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)

i freak out when they tell me this.

“Im not crazy!” i yell. i tell them to let me go home, im not crazy.

i start crying and get up to leave.

the nurses grab me by my arms to get me to not leave.

I start sobbing and i cant stop.

a nice nurse sits me down and helps me calm down.

afterwards, a therapist comes in and talks to me about my new diagnosis.

i don’t listen, im tired.

once the therapist is done, they send me to sleep.

i miss Irene.

i don’t really remember the rest of my visit. i lost track of time.

soon, they told me i was well enough to go back into the real world.

i was scared.

the killer was going to come back and slit my throat.

someone was going to kidnap me.

but its okay, because in the real world, Irene was there for me.

This time, i would welcome her.

kiss her on the forehead and greet her with open arms.

[nerdygaymormon]

hello! o/ im a queer teenager from canada! i lead my highschool's gsa and am very active in the queer community around us. we raised $800 for the Trevor Project last year, raised $500 towards a chest binder breakroom at our school and are officially putting on the school's first all-age queer prom this may!

however, im very confused at the moment. i grew up in an atheist household and have never really found myself believing in God or anything religious. while i still dont think i believe ALL of it, lately ive been doing a lot of thinking after finding an old pocket bible that belonged to my great grandmother (she practically raised me but i never knew she was religious, she never mentioned it at all) and flipping through it and reading her flagged scriptures (i believe thats what theyre called, forgive me if im wrong), etc.

i then resorted to the internet and have been doing a bit of research and am now very conflicted about my feelings and beliefs. i now have moments where i genuinely believe there is something/someone divine out there. i find myself... almost talking to it, sometimes? i dont really know how to describe it. i even tried praying the other day for the first time in my life. (i probably didnt do it right if theres a proper way, but the point is i did it and i surprised myself.)

even though i have these moments, i still have times where i doubt it all. aside from the occasional joke, ive always done my best to be respectful of people's faith, but never saw myself believing until now. and when i say believe, like i said before, it isnt all of it. (like the creation of the world, etc)

i feel sort of fake in a way i dont know how to describe because of my conflicted feelings and how i dont believe everything. there are a lot of things i want to say about it but i really cant pull words from the emotions and i keep trying to. i also dont really have anyone in my life who i can talk to about this stuff. my family will not take me seriously and none of my friends and teachers are religious.

i dont know if you take asks like this, and its totally fine if you dont, but if you have any kind of advice it would be greatly appreciated.

sorry for the long ask, but thanks so much! hope youre having a wonderful day my friend 🤍

Congratulations for all you accomplish for queer students at your school! That's amazing!!!

That you find some aspects with religion resonates with you shouldn't be surprising or upsetting. Humans have been creating and practicing religions since before there was recorded history. There seems to be a need that is satisfied by religion.

In a broad sense, religion does 3 thing:

1. It provides an explanation for natural phenomena. Why is the ground shaking? Why did the sun go dark temporarily? Why is there a drought? Why is dad sick? Why did a hurricane pummel New Orleans?

2. Religions provide meaning to life. Religion provides answers for what is the purpose of life and what happens when we die. Religions are a vehicle for passing along the wisdom from past generations from hundreds and thousands of years ago.

3. Religion helps humans build community and encourages cooperation among those who believe. Religious belief also helps people develop self-discipline. Unfortunately, religions also have been used to define who is in a community and who is not, and this has led to a lot of harm and even wars

Beyond all these macro reasons, religion is experienced at the individual level. An individual prays and receive comfort and answers and feels a larger entity cares about them. Their faith gives them a purpose. They have a community that is meaningful in their lives. This is part of the truth of their lived experience and can't be easily quantified. It's what makes religion still relevant in the lives of many people today

[did-system-did]

Long Thoughts

I feel like a ghost of who I used to be.

I thought the more effort I put into healing, processing, accepting, and integrating the less I would have to deal with the symptoms of DiD. The less I would have to worry about being different.

Somehow with age, its gotten harder. I thought it would be the opposite. I idealized a future where I could just be one, have a better memory, and retain information better. I wanted that future so badly. Maybe its still possible and I'm just prematurely discouraged, but it was so much easier B.D (before discovery).

Yeah, it was chaotic and embarrassing and all the things you can imagine from an unknowingly traumatized little girl. It was easier back then to just write off my behavior as being weird. I was just the weird, rambunctious, unpredictable little girl, pre-teen, teenager, young woman. And truthfully, I found comfort in the idea that everyone lived that way.

Leaving the emotional distress aspect out of it, I thought everyone had multiple voices and memory gaps and drastic identity changes and internal conflict with identity. So I just lived my life. I was more unstable, but I was significantly happier even through the manic/depressive episodes. It was easier to write it off as "this is just part of life!". My system worked for me.

Finding out that I'm separate from the internal family that raised me was terrifying, embarrassing, yet liberating. Terrifying because the voices I came to be familiar with weren't a norm like i thought, embarrassing because i realized the horrible, mean, weird, chaotic things i've done around people wasnt a dream but actually real life; and liberating because i spent years trying to understand the complex experience i was having and finally cracked the surface.

It was an intense discovery.

Months and a couple years later i was extremely motivated to get to the bottom of my disorder, come to terms with what happened to me, and grow as an individual. Being aware of switches was harder than being unaware, because the latter meant that those days or memories were processed as dreams or separate from reality so i have nothing to worry about. Now knowing that I'm being ripped out of my mind and body made me more erratic when it came to time and how i spent it. I wanted to prevent switches so i could live my life more.

Almost 4 years A.D, i feel... defeated. I have lived my life a certain way since childhood filled with switching, beautiful chaos, and recklessness. It was full of rambunctious people taking care of me, laughing with me, helping me with tests, saying jokes only we can hear, talking to me out loud while i wear headphones walking home from school, protecting me, and just making me feel like someone was there for me. Although it was a confusing time, i was happy. My system made me happy.

That's something i have never admit to anyone, not even my husband who is in full support and knowledge of my disorder. But growing up and until discovery, my system was one whom i, for the most part, could trust.

It's just harder now. When you're a kid theres more freedom for weird behavior, but at 24 years old i would be called crazy.

I'm not crazy, im traumatized. I'm severely torn apart and my brain led the otherwise impossible task of gluing me back together. I spent time in psych wards and crisis houses. I lived in my car and got fired from jobs. I struggle heavily because the way my brain formed itself to live isnt one that fits where i am anymore. And yet, I still need them to feel like myself.

Its painful to accept that because for so long I just wanted to be me. But I'm seeing now that its already been done. This is my brain. This isnt the type of disorder you can medicate away. My brain put itself together in this way to survive and the more i try to make my days quiet and free from my system, the sadder I've become.

This is my sign to take a different approach and be more accepting of the system who helped save my life.

It'll be hard, but i want to be happy.

[nadianova]

hey i'm making my first VN in ren'py because of your work and I was wondering how much of the text for your games do you write for the first time in the engine? do you write in an external word processor or just do it right there? i'm trying to get a feel for a workflow

first of all good luck and im happy to hear i inspired you! visual novels are a good and accessible way to make your own story i truly believe that.

i think the workflow for htis kind of stuff heavily ends up just being personal preference. everyone who ive heard talking about this does it differently so theres clearly no right or wrong and its more about finding what works for you best.

but that being said what works for me is that i tend to make a little discord server for myself and create a tab for my project and just save pictures or text snippets taht i like just for inspiration. i might wake up in the middle of hte night to write some couple lines down if i thought of a cute interaction i want to include. but basically just gathering reference and inspiration weeks before i even bother opening up google docs and do any real writing.

after that when its actually the time to write i just start throwing everything i have in google docs and write chronologically though sometimes i might jump a bit if i really am feeling inspired to write a horny scene or osmething and hten come back to connecting it to the story later on lol. i include the character who is speaking and try to put all dialogue in to quotation marks for easy transfer later on. but for bigger chunks of text like narration i just let it be a big block and afterwards i split it into appropriate text box fitting sizes when i am moving it into renpy and adding all the code part like what background and sprites to show etc. i tend to leave a lot of comments like ##add door sound here or ##add sprite of this expression here cause i dont wanna interrupt the flow of putting the text in and then come back to finish the scene later on with hte other aspects.

at that point if im working in renpy i most likely wont bother touching google docs anymore since its annoying to have two versions of my script and i just write everything directly in renpy at that point

but yeah even this feels like a simplification in truth its a lot more messy and i always end up with situations where i confuse myself cuase im doing things in a weird order or have two scripts that have slight variations cause other is in renpy and other is in google docs lmfao

though i think the biggest thing is that if you write in google docs with the intent to move it over to renpy later i think trying to write with clear consistent manner will make it easier to transfer it over later on. there is some trickery you can do to make it even more easier but ive always done it manually in the past..

[credulouscanidae]

i feel like this year has been a huge bust mentally

i didnt wanna be like this still by christmas, let alone the new year

i dont want it to become march and im still like this, a whole year since moving by then.

but i can feel myself improving, funny enough.

ive spent a lot of this time in despair and grief, and i was giving myself a time limit on those feelings. which made me unable to meet my own expectations, which made me recede and become unable to challenge myself, because i wsa constantly setting myself up for failure to begin with. it feels impossible to do a challenge youre already failing before you begin.

and i have been self aware this whole time too, having that logical part of me talk me through it all. i can look back at myself almost in a third person, as ive always done, and see all the connections as to why im feeling and therefore behaving this way.

so instead of sitting around punishing myself, ive been /trying/ to tell myself theres no time limit on adjustment, and that i am strong enough to pull through. even if i come out of this being disliked. ive put so much energy into being anxious about what people think of me, that ive caused my own cycle of not being able to face it.

i have been acutely aware this whole time that others can only do so much for me, and in the end the only person who can change my situation is me. for me to find that inner strength to do that.

i feel like a lot of the noise has quietened down now. because i had to suddenly grapple with not only accepting my old life was changing, but that i had to suddenly build up a brand new life from scratch with very little support. but the life building in england is finally feeling...like i can do it. things feel less confusing and daunting, the roads feel less scary to navigate, i know where to go for what i need now, and ive been falling into daily routines again. which i didnt have when i first arrived. it's like my roots are finally burying in. and thats making incorporating my aussie roots back into my life feel a bit more doable.

i WANT to have voice chats with friends, or have a casual hello. i dont want to be like this. having a twisted tummy and palpitating heart every time i see a new notification on my phone. i havent even cleared my notif bar on my phone for months, out of fear of seeing a message i havent checked from so long ago. there is so much literal and mental clutter. and i want to be free of all of these notifs and emails etc. its not anyones fault but mine. i WANT to be more engaged, i feel homesick and miss everyone. and i HATE that those feelings dominate my behaviour, and how EASY it is to fall into a self fulfilling prophecy. i hate how it makes me a neglectful friend and family member.

but, with therapy, and settling into my life here. i think i can slowly work my way up to getting over all of this. i really. really. REALLY. fucking want to. i want to draw again, i want to learn how to sculpt, i want to be involved in peoples lives again. because right now, im finding it hard to even humour the idea of making friends here in the uk, because of how guilty that would make me feel, and how not ready i am to make new connections, especially cuz i would rather reinforce connection with existing people in my life.

again. self fulfilling. all that does is make me continue to be lonely.

but as i said, it's slowly getting better. i feel bad about how negative ive been all this time. i just want people to know that, in regards to my relationship, i AM happy. and i know that 10 years from now im going to look back on all of this with evren and go "fuck man that was a lot huh"

you cant hate yourself into loving yourself, and thats something that has kept my spark going, even when it's been one bad thought away from fizzling out.

im trying to be easier on myself. i know that all of this can exist at the same time as me having negative effects on others (which i guess is just an assumption to begin with) and i am not immune to causing that damage. but honestly? right now in this moment, im trying to give myself some compassion and lenience. because ive spent years and years feeling anxious and being hyper vigilant about my behaviour and how i affect others, that i have barely taken the time to consider myself and be healthy and strong in my core self. as they say, assume the best unless told otherwise. thats going to be a goal of mine. i always assume good intentions from people, even to a detriment, so i hope to take that view and shape it into a healthier outlook. maybe not everyone has their best intentions or insight, but i think overall people are just trying. god, in this goddamn fucked up world, all we can do is try.

and thats why i need to be more lenient.

sorry for all the tangents and sloppy execution. im probably in the acceptance stage of grief atm lmao, and im tired of being like this.

[starry622]

hello, im oliver, or v for short. i am 20 years old, bodily. im an artist, a dog, and the host of a system.

ive got bpd, hpd, dpd, and schizophrenia, all of which, of course, affect the system. my biggest psychotic symptom is that of clinical lycanthropy and cynanthropy, which you will see reflected often on this blog (especially under the tag #clinical zoanthropy). i cant effectively be reality checked, at least in this regard, so dont even try it. more info on this under the cut. :]

im very into social justice, mogai/liom, art, and general fandom stuff

i now have a somewhat stable home, but i still take donations, as i lost my job last month and currently have no way to make any money besides commissions and donations. i work hard every day applying to every job i can possibly find, following up on applications, and getting interviews, but that does not fund the cost of living in the meantime. im working to put up a commissions carrd (that will also function as a mini portfolio), though i will still be taking commissions before the carrd is finalized. i havent had a meal in a week, so i could really use the money, if anyone is willing to help.

if you need a dni, my basic boundaries are that proshippers, pro-contact harmful paraphiles, and radqueers dont interact. i do, however, have a byf, which is on my carrd (linked below)

my personal carrd is here: [link]

my commission carrd is: still unfinished

my cashapp is: $Starry622

do be warned, my tumblr webtheme (starry622.tumblr.com) is not safe for those who are sensitive to flashing or eyestrain. there is no necessary info on my webtheme, so you will not ever have to visit it for any reason.

for more zoanthropy info: my body can morph and change to become more canine-like, and it can go through certain stages. human-> boy with canine features -> full canine (with the regular animal anatomy) or werecanine (more like a hollywood werewolf) and my transformations can cause pain and discomfort, though i mostly just feel fur sprouting and my organs shifting. my mind is that of a humans, however my soul and dna are that of a canines.

i dont really know what a p-shifter is, but i guess you could call me one? i dont think shifting is something you can learn anyways and i cant control it, so i feel like most people either can or cant shift. theres always exceptions to the rule, however, not that i would be teaching anyone how, especially because that seems like a dangerous move for all involved parties. plus, i dont even know how i do it, i just do, so id be useless for that.

i dont know what the deal is and why i am both a wolf and a dog, and my identity as a whole is definitely more dog, all i know is that its me. thats why i use canine instead of specific dog or wolf when speaking generally, because "dog or wolf" is a mouthful.

i dont identify with the word human, but its easier to explain that way. i am more a person. my brain is and stays that of a sentient, sapient person living in a human society. im culturally human, you could say.

rarely, ill have short-ish bouts where i am a different animal, usually on top of being a canine, which confuses me, but i choose to go with the flow about it. if i think too too much about it, im afraid ill confuse myself more than just suddenly becoming a lagothrope/kounanthrope (family including rabbits, bunnies, hares) and accepting it until its over. i dont know what those little bouts are about, and i kinda dont wanna know!

i identify with my diagnosed clinical label simply because i experience a lot of double bookkeeping (i believe thats what its called). im aware of myself in some ways, and see how others see me alongside how i see myself. this is also exactly why reality checking doesnt work on me. i am aware of my symptoms, and i believe the delusions and semi-rare hallucinations that act as proof of my true self. my experience is constant clashing in that way, like i can see more than everyone else, but it rarely causes a problem, and so i go with it. no use fighting it. im a lazy dog, if youll forgive the pun.

[nicomrade]

I don't think my original message was sent (or maybe I'm getting confused, haha). My question is, how do you interpret the gap between chapter 538 and 539? What is your perspective on the ending? And most of all, how do you think Baku is still alive? Some believe that Baku really died and lives symbolically in Souichi (I recommend you read Waty's review of Usogui to better understand this point, you can find it on AniList) and others that he faked his death.

As a personal theory, I think the one who says the words "Welcome back, Madarame Baku" in chapter 537 is not Gonen, but Anoma (in fact, on the last page of that chapter we can see Anoma + Gonen + the welcome phrase, which is curious, since Anoma has no relation to the scene). I think Sako has been misleading us with the timeline, making us think that Abi Khan and Anoma's conversation happens in parallel with Baku's "death", but what if that's in the past? And Anoma (for whatever reason, I still can't tell you why he decided to do that) revives Baku with a defibrillator device like Marco did with Hal and hence his words of "Welcome back, Madarame Baku". Baku returned from a death that seemed final. It should also be added that the phrase he uses refers to Baku in a formal way, but not in a close or hierarchical relationship (he does not call him Leader or Baku-san, for example).

Another good point would be that Sako may have planned from the beginning that Baku would survive, since in chapter 147 (epilogue of the Labyrinth arc) we see a flashforward in which Baku is visiting an awakened Yukiide (he woke up during STL) in spring (hence the cherry trees), so it's been a few months since he became the Leader of Kakerou. So, this scene could take place after Baku's "death", close to leaving for Las Vegas to meet Kaji, Marco and Hal. Also, we never see his right hand (he has it in his pocket) so Sako doesn't show us his missing finger.

i couldnt find the anilist review, if you have a link to it i will hapilly read through!

the ending is very fast paced and (purposefully) doesnt give us a lot of answers, i dont think much about it because im personally not interested in speculating on what happens after/in between the gaps BUT i will try my best to answer everything you brought up!

im not OPPOSED to highly symbolic readings (god knows i love symbolism myself) but i do like the much more literal interpretation better. baku is alive with kaji & marco at the end because he is literally alive, and survived somehow, the same way he "survived somehow" the first STL, because baku always finds a way to live. but also- while i DO think the epilogue is trying to make us think baku dies after gonen pulls out the joker, i dont see how the dialogue actually supports this idea that baku was also betting his life here? gonen is asked to bet his OWN life so hes allowed to join in the gamble and flip the card but i dont see a confirmation that bakus own life is ever in the balance in that particular bet with gonen specifically. it IS the moment where gonen (literally) beats baku and (symbolically) takes his place (as the bigger evil and as the gambler who keeps on winning- also his spot as the one fighting against kakerou and souichi, and bakus "heart", etc.) but to me it at best maybe implies another gamble between them that isnt shown instead? like i dont think the joker was flipped and they shot baku here & there lol (and i highly doubt it was a STL game). theres a whole aftermarth to this we are not shown. what i wanna get to here is just asking, am i the one missing something? where does it say/imply baku is also betting his life VS gonen? i could just be silly & missing something i definitely dont notice everything going on in usogui its very dense lol the only thing i get is the prince bee narration saying he "never got up again"?

i love your theory about anoma being the one talking, like i dont think gonen would welcome baku back ever? not in this context anyway? and again, the epilogue is so vague on purpose there are probably a 100 hints with no pay-off/reveals. misdirections and foreshadowing are usoguis bread and butter and i think its very fitting for the epilogue to give us SO MUCH while actually saying SO LITTLE. it could 100% be anoma talking here i agree, and hinting at some involvement he had that we dont see.

i also love what you said about chapter 147 i didnt catch that (i straight up forgot this happened at all cause i never finished my minotaur labyrinth reread its the arc i like the least for some reason?) thank you for telling me about it, especially the cherry tree that serves as a season indication is 100% true but i wouldnt have caught it myself cause i always forget about this kind of time indication. i wonder if it happens before or after the gonen gamble indeed? this is very interesting to me because i have a whole thing about the parallels between souichi and yukiide (sorry yukiide for only liking you for the role you can fill for me.... i swear i also like him as a character but im always looking at his plot beats in the context of him being a mirror character for souichi)

last thing is ill try to answer this bit: "how do you interpret the gap between chapter 538 and 539? What is your perspective on the ending?" so i think we can think of the gap between 538 and 539 similarly to the gap between, like, the 2001 STL and the start of the story. baku has done this before, he will lay low and hide in the shadows before being ready to put his big plan in motion. in hangman he says he planned to stay in the shadow for longer but seeing souichi face to face he had to change his plans- i think this gap is something similar to this. theres a wrestling poster thats visible in the las vegas shots too, right? i think we can know what year the las vegas stuff happens in that way, and that will give a lot of information on what that gap looked like. i wish i had more of a big analysis about this but filling the gaps in the epilogue has never been my priority. what i DO care about in the epilogue is the uhm heart transplant stuff lol. under the cut cause its my own personal rant where i argue for why a part of the epilogue shouldnt be considered canon (which is a pretty heretical position to defend, im aware)

so uhm, the heart transplant stuff, uh? i kind of have hated that reveal/retcon ever since i read it and its always sat weirdly with me but i didnt think about it much, like blocking it out of my mind, except for during my 2nd read through (and the times id reread the epilogue like some morbid curiosity- maybe this time itll go differently? maybe this time they wont try to lie to me?) not that i think its BAD i like the epilogue as a WHOLE but the heart transplant thing ugh i always just skim over unconsciously i dont wanna engage with it too much because so heres the thing

that line about how its totally real cause "baku shouldve been taking medication quite frequently" and its like. well he HASNT? been doing that? and its drawn super similarly to how baku eats his kariume. are you trying to tell me that his kariume was heart medication all along? what about his obsession with plums in general, and on protoporos when he imports kariume for himself? about protoporos actually- how did a man with a diseased heart who has to take medication survive 24 days on an island with no access to said meds. including a couple days of running outside in the rain chased by a literal angry mob? and then drowning?. baku, as written in the story, DEMONSTRABLY DOES NOT! have a diseased heart. when did this transplant happen???????

baku literally already struggles with sprinting when he first meets hal in 1998- souichi EASILY follows after him and is barely tired when baku is on the floor shaking for his life. are you telling me the heart transplant happened BEFORE this????????? or he already had poor stamina even before and then it cant be appropriate foreshadowing for this. so you were just lying to me about the hints and it really does come out of nowhere. ok.

i dont even mind when/if usogui does retcon stuff (/have reveals that were very much not planned from chapter 1) it is OKAY to write new stuff in your story and about your characters as you go along. it is foolish to try to argue only stuff planned from even before you ever started writing is canon and true. this is not my point. my point is that this reveal CONTRADICTS the actual text that came BEFORE. it has retroactive impact that is nonsensical and downright absurd. this is the exact kind of writing i criticize in stuff like one outs or liar game, but praise usogui in comparison. usogui does lie to you about stuff sometimes, but that misdirection, those lies, ADD meaning to the text. (im always talking about this on twitter i can pull up threads if i need to explain this stuff more) the heart transplant reveal REMOVES meaning. so what meaning does it remove exactly?

one of Usogui's (manga) thesis statements is that to be human is to be FLAWED. this is why hangman ends the way it does (and why its kind of bad they changed it in the movie- though i do get it) its what kyara's arc in protoporos is about, and its what souichis entire character journey shows. i dislike calling souichi "the ultimate human being" because his character arc is about accepting that he ISNT, actually, perfect. that he, too, is flawed and can lose and is scared of dying and is HUMAN. souichi loses drop the handkerchief because he had this weakness (chronic memory loss) that usogui exploited. and for all he tried to make up for it, or make it into a weapon instead, it was still a flaw. and its what made him human. and for him to believe himself capable of not being human anymore, of transcending it, is a lie. and usogui ate that lie. and he reminded souichi that hes human- and loved. and loved. and so so loved. and that he has the potential to become so much greater still- BECAUSE hes human and BECAUSE he tasted defeat and is flawed. thats the basic gist behind drop the handkerchief.

and this weakness of souichi, his chronic memory loss, is inherent to him. theres no reason it happened. textually theres no reason to it. its, yeah, the pressure of having to be Perfect, and being the Leader of kakerou, but we know from the doctor's email that medically they couldnt find a reason for it- yes there are reasons for it, but theyre so inherent to him, to his bloodline, that he couldnt be souichi and NOT have this flaw. there is no version of souichi (or hachina, or hal) that does NOT struggle with memory loss. he has this weakness simply because hes alive.

bakus one core flaw is his weak constitution. baku cant run up stairs (see the abandonned building arc) anything that COULD be life-threatening becomes a death sentence for him (see the minotaur labyrinth arc) he CANNOT defend himself (marco & kyaras roles as bodyguards + all the times someone threatened him with violence) his body is WEAK. it just is. what the heart transplant does is take all of this and make it the result of losing a gamble once, years ago. is this inherent to him? was this always fated to happen? we dont even SEE the gamble this happened in! it CANNOT be this important! but if we forget about the heart transplant for a second, his weak body becomes just a part of his character, with no visible cause. maybe its a side effect of how he grew up on his own without anyone to play with so he never exercised, and possibly malnourished & homeless half of the time. but either way its a cause thats so at the core of who he is that for that not to have happened he wouldnt be usogui (or madarame baku) anymore. there is no version of him who had a happy, safe childhood and is still usogui. sounds familiar? and for souichis weakness to be mental and bakus weakness to be physical.. isnt it meaningful to have their fates mirrored and tied in that way?

baku & souichi(/hal) fates being tied together is also another CORE aspect of usogui's story! not just with the ship glasses on its literally just... the emotional core of the story is their relationship (whether romantic or platonic or whatever). if your reveal in chapter 538 out of 539 (i repeat, its in the second to LAST chapter) is contradicted by its own "foreshadowing", does not stand on its own, and weakens TWO very important aspects of your story, then i think im allowed to consider it not canon or true. uhm, "youre a big liar, arent you?" if you will.

[whhajdmamcmsmwjd]

I feel so alone for so long I've felt like i'm just wrong but I don't know how to explain it I feel like I feel so much differently to everyone else like my emotions are never right I don't even know why but ive been struggling so much lately I feel like im not important to anyone anymore like my friends are never wanting to see me the same way they are with everyone else I always get left behind by the people I love they just decide they don't wantn or need me around them anymore and I know that I cant help that but why does no one ever want to stay around me? I don't even know how im meant to deal with anything because I cant talk to someone about about whats wrong with me but the longer I go with trying to deal with it on my own the worse I feel I don't know why I cant just be normal the only person who I ever felt like got me and I felt secure with just randomly stopped giving a fuck about me once they got a boyfriend and because of that I cant help but to wonder if they were only ever that close with me so that they could get with him because of how close I am with their boyfriend so they could get even closer to him I don't know what to do to be able to cope with whats happening to me the only thing that I've been able to find comfort in is listening to twenty one pilots lmfao I know that I should be talking to someone but nobody in my life can help me and I cant just ask my dad if I can go to therapy to have someone to talk to because Id have to tell him whats been going on and I heard that they tell your parents if you have an eating disorder, self harm have suicidal thoughts etc and I cant just let my family know about that so that's not an option for me I tried to get a diagnosis for a few things that ive always had symptoms but my dad just makes me feel dumb for asking so ive just given up on that im in a place where I feel like nothing in my life is right and theres nothing I can do to feel better or even human anymore I don't feel like im a real person half of the time like im just walking around with nothing in me im just a body and a brain that's just as confused as I am I just want to drink and smoke all the time because that's the only time I feel ok I just want to be high drunk or asleep all the time the only thing I cando to not think about that is see t t m and r but even they can be weird to me and I feel like I cant talk to them I started going back to bad habits

ive been cutting myself starving myself and isolating myself ive been thinking about things too much I just want to be loved and have someone help me but I don't know how to be helped the only thing that makes me feel ok is listening to twenty one pilots and seeing my friends but I leave my friends at the end of the day then what's left for me? I just don't know how to move from here and im scared to see where i'll be in a year or if i'll even be here to turn 21 I don't want to give up but its so hard and I feel like its so unnoticed the only people that could have helped me aren't in my life anymore and I don't know what's left for me I just want to say it out loud just in case

[punkscowardschampions]

Barly

Bartley: Why have you taken it off?

Carly: I’m not after owing you

Bartley: You don’t, just put it back on

Carly: idk how but even if I did 

Carly: no

Bartley: You don’t have to make a point by being an idiot, you need it

Carly: busying yourself forgetting i exist instead of calling us more names was your point

Carly: & a need to take care of myself

Bartley: It’s a stupid decision then

Bartley: it cost [however little because it’d be a couple of quid vibes], you can give me that back if you’re that concerned with being independent 

Carly: Ive no €€€s

Carly: sorry

Bartley: I don’t want the money 

Bartley: I’ll put it back up

Carly: it’s my mess

Carly: I don’t want your help

Bartley: I didn’t ask you for anything for it

Bartley: why are you being like this about it

Carly: whyd u make me feel bad about it?

Bartley: I never did, you threw it all back in my face

Carly: but you did, you do 

Carly: & a friend wouldnt

Bartley: You got weird, I don’t know why, what’s in your head

Carly: its never you’re mean its im mental & everythings my fault

Bartley: I’m mean

Bartley: go on, what did I say that’s so mean

Carly: you treat us as a problem & get 😤😠 theres no solving me

Bartley: I just wanted you to take care of yourself

Bartley: if that makes me a terrible person then so be it

Carly: i meant what I said you’re decent & good

Carly: your hearts in the right place

Bartley: You don’t need to say it

Carly: yea I’ve the need to

Bartley: It’s what makes everything awkward

Bartley: if you could just accept it for what it is, we’d not even be having this conversation

Carly: what is it?

Bartley: You know what it is

Bartley: or did before you got all in your head again

Carly: before I got my own hopes up

Carly: tell me what this really means

Bartley: I can’t be decent and have my heart in the right place now?

Carly: I said so

Bartley: and what you say is so

Carly: my opinion’s only that

Carly: what would you have me think?

Bartley: I don’t know

Bartley: no one thinks anything of me, I’m just there

Carly: everyone 💭 something of u, boy

Bartley: as a comparison to the others, yeah, maybe then

Carly: sure sometimes as is the way of families ive no doubt

Carly: but then in your own right too

Bartley: no, they don’t

Bartley: but you’re only trying to be nice so thanks, I guess

Carly: im not but add it to your forgetting if you’ve a mind to

Bartley: You wouldn’t get it

Bartley: you’ve not family like that

Carly: I wouldn’t & couldnt reckon ive the knowing of your life, no

Bartley: If you’re going to go off like that, get upset, then it’s probably best we keep our distance

Bartley: I wasn’t trying to make shit worse

Carly: k 💚

Carly: grand there’s 1 thing to be agreed on between us

Bartley: Sure, grand is what it is

Carly: I’m still & never trying to bring trouble to u

Carly: if keeping my distance’s the way to guarantee i don’t id call it a grand idea

Bartley: you’re just being confusing

Carly: me

Carly: im in the company for it if I am 😵💫🙃

Bartley: I’ve never known a girl say so much to say nothing of any sense, like

Carly: have you ever for proper known a girl?

Bartley: Hilarious craic, you

Carly: so’s you saying you like me if im no drama 

Carly: if I behave myself how youre after

Carly: ifs that mean u dont like me at all

Bartley: I never said you had to, I’m telling you you’re being mental

Bartley: and you’re proving my point, fucking hell

Carly: sense is in finding a girl who’s less mental like

Carly: best of 🍀🐇🌠🎲 w it

Bartley: don’t you want to sort yourself out

Carly: idk whats even wrong w me

Carly: I can’t

Bartley: You think too much, for a start

Carly: what did you reckon the 🍭🍬🚬🌿🌼🍄🍆🍺🍷🥃🍸🎱🔮🎈 was all for if not to stop

Carly: my god, I try so hard to its close to shaming as ive it in me to feel

Bartley: It don’t work, does it

Carly: im worse w out though

Bartley: Maybe so

Carly: no maybe in it & youre running already so what hope have I

Carly: im not confused about the state of me or things like

Bartley: I’ve not run nowhere, you have

Carly: they werent 👢👢 for running in but ive had my 💭 to take your warnings & hints & away myself true enough

Bartley: You heard what you wanted and it’s fine

Bartley: you don’t owe us nothing

Carly: I heard what u wanted & don’t

Bartley: turn it on me when all you do is self-sabotage 

Carly: all you do is slag me

Bartley: we could’ve just hung out, watched the fucking film

Bartley: I never wanted anything else, why would I turn it into this drama

Carly: you could’ve just

Carly: im incapable of it as the most mental girl you know

Bartley: you don’t know how to sit down in front of a telly 

Carly: idk how to sit w you now all my thoughts are of u

Carly: to stay still cos 1 wrong move & youre 😤😠 @ me

Bartley: is that all you think I’ve use for

Carly: no lad has ever had but 1 use for me

Bartley: and we’re all the same

Bartley: just like you said you didn’t think, nice one

Carly: im saying youre different & its why idk what to do

Bartley: There’s more to life

Bartley: I’d rather be friends

Carly: I’m sorry

Bartley: just

Bartley: do you want to be or not because I’m not chasing you around for it

Carly: course, come now im not that mental id say no

Bartley: you must get bored, you never go to school how you’re meant

Carly: time flies when youre 🚀🌟🌌🪐☄️

Bartley: you’ll have a heart attack if you’re not careful

Carly: I wish I could make you understand how I feel when im not 🚀🌟🌌🪐☄️

Bartley: like you’re going to have a heart attack, better be the answer or it’s invalid

Carly: like I’m having 1s a start

Bartley: they make you calm

Carly: they get me out my door

Bartley: I reckon you could get the levels better

Bartley: so you’re alright to go out and not alright to be a holy show

Carly: maybe but 🍭🍬s slightly addictive, have you know as my makeshift priest

Bartley: are you

Bartley: addicted

Carly: idk ive not quit for the knowing of how hard it is or isnt

Bartley: How does that happen at your age, by God

Carly: happens i should be @ [the psych ward Joe is]

Bartley: wouldn’t they have you on their own 🍭🍬

Carly: yea & I don’t think they’ve more of an idea about levels from what ali says of her brother

Bartley: you don’t want to be in there with the likes of him

Bartley: as dangerous as with your mammy and her fellas

Carly: I’m after being normal if you can have a word with your man jesus there next time you’re @ his house

Bartley: always worth the asking

Carly: 🙏💙🔮💜🤞🌠

Bartley: works better if you put some effort in

Carly: talk of getting on my knees s’not friendly

Carly: where im putting my effort

Bartley: 🙄👏 you

Carly: ah here, wheres yours?

Carly: find some kindness for me

Bartley: sure, you’re trying

Bartley: and he loves a 

Carly: 💒😍💋🥰💞😘💓💒

Bartley: there’s not loads of eligible bachelors there, no

Bartley: not under 75 

Carly: could find my ma her new fella as its my fault shes in need

Carly: hell fearing’d be a step up

Bartley: if she started turning up at services, it’d be the final straw 

Carly: her 1 boundary best b kept in place or god help us

Bartley: shame keeps some out their seats but some in theirs

Bartley: no telling which way it’d go

Carly: the way of no shame

Bartley: I don’t believe it’s real

Carly: of her?

Carly: what more are you looking to 👀

Bartley: of anyone

Carly: I’ve never been shown its untrue of my mammy just yet only shown up by her but whos to be sure

Bartley: she must care what her blokes think of her

Carly: for a time while they’ve use ⌚️⏱⏲⏰⌛️⏳

Carly: shes 1 for getting bored how you’d have me

Bartley: she’d care if you hid her tan and hair dye

Carly: 😅

Bartley: might have to assess her priorities then

Carly: would you be my friend still if she tanned us?

Bartley: I dunno about that one

Carly: oh do u not

Carly: what a traitor to ur culture when thats the look all your girls go for themselves

Bartley: not all, okay

Bartley: and a tan doesn’t have to be orange

Carly: if u say so bb

Carly: but don’t worry yourself ill stay only ☀️💋⛅️💋☁️💋

Bartley: It stains everything awful, spend all your life getting it out your towels and sheets

Carly: don’t 💭 of my sheets

Bartley: I’m not a degenerate

Carly: what 1 would speak like but I believe you

Bartley: None of that, shh

Carly: 😶💚

Bartley: you’ll put the lock back up, won’t you

Carly: weren’t being awkward for eejits sake when I told you idk how

Carly: ali’ll help me if I ask when shes done being punished by her ma for having her boyfriend though

Bartley: I can show you, it’s alright

Bartley: why’s her mammy suddenly bothered, what’s that about

Carly: idk she hates men who arent ali’s da cos they’ve done her wrong

Bartley: Ali’s boyfriend is a little boy, surely

Bartley: bit mad for her to be going off like it’s otherwise

Carly: hes older than you, boy

Bartley: is he now

Carly: shh yourself im not meant to tell you nothing

Bartley: I’ll work it out

Bartley: like a guessing game

Carly: I won’t play & u cant make me

Bartley: already got the age range down, younger than a teacher but older than me

Carly: be all you get, ive promised 

Carly: 😶💛

Bartley: I’m not prying

Carly: it's no game like

Carly: she’s my only friend

Bartley: oh, thanks very much

Carly: I can’t see you 

Carly: or have you 👀 @ me

Bartley: never again

Bartley: are you going to hide in your ‘van?

Carly: not forever

Bartley: how long then

Carly: idk a week or 2

Bartley: then you’ll feel better

Carly: I’ll look it anyway

Bartley: why, what’s wrong

Carly: im grand but for the look of chucking myself down the [however many flights of stairs they were gonna]

Bartley: but how did you actually get like that

Carly: please don’t ask me

Bartley: right

Carly: it was wrong of me

Bartley: you did what you needed

Carly: but I’ve no pride in what I need

Bartley: not saying you should

Carly: I went to my dealer w no money

Bartley: I’d sooner pay than have to hear about that ever

Carly: I’m sorry you’re hearing of it & I’ll spare you the sight of me

Bartley: you don’t have to for my sake but you won’t want the others seeing you either so

Bartley: yeah

Carly: idc about what the others 👀

Bartley: you should

Bartley: they’ll not be trying to hold back from saying anything that could be the wrong thing

Carly: they never do & their piece they wanna say has truth enough to it

Carly: I did the wrong thing

Bartley: reckoning it’s appropriate don’t mean you have to aspire to it

Carly: it’s deserved for once

Bartley: so enjoy it, yeah

Bartley: is that what you want me to say

Carly: if I’m caught out of my hiding spot the rest can enjoy themselves 🦊🐶🐶🐶

Carly: & you can say whatever u want its not for putting a stop to either

Bartley: you’re in luck that everyone’s distracted atm

Carly: call me a whore so’s we can move past this

Bartley: no

Bartley: ‘cos that’s so obviously what you want

Carly: for us to be friends yea that is what I want

Bartley: then stop trying to make me

Carly: don’t hold over me what I gave you fair chance to say

Bartley: I don’t need to

Carly: k then

Bartley: how are we ever going to be friends if you reckon that’s all that’s in my head and next out my mouth

Carly: tell me what is & i won’t guess there’s our how

Bartley: I have to tell you everything in my head or you’ll lose yours

Carly: you didnt have to say it like such a gobshite but hey

Carly: something from in your head at least

Bartley: you make me sound like I’m thick in mine

Carly: & you make me sound more gone in mine even than I am

Bartley: I’m not good with words and you’re after me saying loads of them

Carly: I’m no good in my actions but u were after me acting loads better

Bartley: too good, arguably

Carly: I’ll do anything or nothing if you talk to me

Bartley: I am

Bartley: we’re talking now, girl

Carly: & u’ll put the 🔐 back like this never happened?

Bartley: dunno why you took it off in the first place, yeah

Carly: dont you

Bartley: already said I think it was a dumb thing to do

Carly: yea but that’s not the same as you dont know y it was something i did

Bartley: you wanted to see if I actually cared

Carly: & you were after ⏪

Bartley: how did you work out that had anything to do with it

Carly: cos it does

Carly: before i was in my box & u thought of me how you thought of me til 🔐 made it different

Bartley: why’s it make it different?

Carly: you never cared til I brought it to you & forced your hand

Bartley: I’ve never seen anyone acting like he was with you before

Bartley: a full-grown adult, like

Carly: I’m sorry you saw

Bartley: we only need be sorry it happened

Carly: I’m used to it happening

Carly: men of his sort & what they do

Bartley: you shouldn’t be

Carly: hes braver or stupider than most, to his credit 

Carly: if we can call it that

Bartley: we can’t

Bartley: there’s no one lower

Carly: no matter the fellas away now

Bartley: ‘til the next one

Carly: they’re not all of em visiting for me

Carly: the next’ll probably wish I wasnt there

Bartley: but there’s no guarantee

Bartley: that’s why she should’ve found herself a decent man by now, it isn’t safe

Carly: decent men are after decent women to settle down w

Bartley: obviously

Carly: when youre older it’ll be your way

Bartley: yeah

Carly: ive no guarantees for my path how you’ve

Bartley: is that what you want

Carly: wanting won’t make it so

Carly: nobody wants me for a wife only for things they’d never ask of who they’ll marry

Bartley: everyone can get what they want

Bartley: but of course you’ll have to act like the sort of girl who’s a wife not a whore, you can’t have your cake and eat it too

Carly: & an act would be all it was

Carly: ive already eaten my 🧁🍰 or been eaten like

Bartley: and we can all always mend our ways and repent

Bartley: if you’re not willing to then it isn’t actually important to you

Carly: every bite didnt make me 🤢🤮

Carly: being sorry enoughs hard

Bartley: there’s your answer then

Carly: I dont have it in me to be 🤍🙏💍❄️🧼✨👰

Bartley: lucky no one is going to make you then, I guess

Carly: yea 🍀🐇🌠🎲

Bartley: you’d hate being married

Carly: why would I?

Bartley: only being with one person

Carly: oh

Carly: well 1 lad was my 💭 but I picked wrong

Bartley: won’t Ronan go out with you?

Carly: he don’t reckon im as alike to ali as u

Bartley: I could talk to him, make him do the honourable thing

Carly: hes no need when I never did the honourable thing by him

Bartley: guess it saves the drama anyway

Bartley: not meant to

Carly: ive more use for friends & hes meant to be

Carly: I hope so now

Bartley: it must be awkward

Carly: course but we’re both trying for it to be less

Bartley: did warn you, like

Carly: I remember

Bartley: not about to gloat, you’re grand

Carly: told you Id not stop u

Bartley: there’s no joy in it, trust me

Carly: if theres ever

Carly: go for your life & have mine w it

Bartley: why would there be

Carly: idk maybes youll hate us again tomorrow or soon

Bartley: even if I did, it still makes my family look stupid so no

Bartley: it never will 

Carly: k never

Bartley: right

Carly: & next warning ill listen 

Carly: how I said

Bartley: I’ve only so many cousins who are eligible 

Bartley: what’s done is done

Carly: but its not why I’m done u know my reasons arent the lack of lads of age on site

Bartley: yeah, I know

Carly: whats done is though you’re right

Bartley: best we can do is move on from it all, everyone

Bartley: there’ll be something else to talk about if we wait long enough

Carly: will I see you once ive waited out my skin being a colour whats neither 🧡 or ❤️💜💙?

Bartley: if you manage hiding that long in the first place

Carly: youve plenty work on to busy your days w & nights are only so long even alone cos ive my ma to keep me from really being

Bartley: I couldn’t still be in with my family

Carly: 🍀🐇🌠🎲 you dont have to

Bartley: it’s for the babies only, well, for boys, girls ‘til they have their own home and family to leave for

Carly: she’d be lost if i left

Carly: having to feed & keep herself in clean towels

Bartley: you’re the child not her

Carly: wes both better @ it the other way round

Bartley: mammy her properly and get her to sort herself out then

Carly: in 1 👂 & out the 2nd like the 👶 shes playing @ 

Carly: as a mammy I must b too soft

Bartley: must be so

Carly: 🍼🍭🍬🧸🎁🎈🧁🍰

Bartley: 🍭🍬🚬🌿🌼🍄🍆🍺🍷🥃🍸🎱🔮🎈

Carly: I’d hate being a for proper mammy to b sure

Bartley: take it off your goal list

Carly: the future’s to look to when theres something worth 

Bartley: ‘cos now is so stellar, like

Carly: 🎅🎄🌟🎁⛄️ before yous blink

Bartley: what are you getting

Carly: 🙏💙🔮💜🤞🌠 the coat i couldnt afford bonfire night

Carly: but idk

Carly: what r you?

Bartley: nice one

Bartley: I’m not sure, clothes too, maybe

Bartley: not bothering getting a car of my own until I’m old enough

Carly: I won’t tell the others ive heard you say ur bothered by gorja laws

Bartley: I’d be the one getting caught and the car taken and my daddy in trouble

Bartley: it’s just my luck, like

Bartley: Moses is jammy and Johnny could be an adult proper, way he carries himself

Carly: you carry yourself as well as your brother

Bartley: you think?

Carly: yea ive thought it a long time now

Bartley: well, thanks for that

Bartley: I’m not as serious, don’t have to be

Carly: idk youre serious when you lay the law down to me

Bartley: that’s special circumstances, usually I’m not

Carly: im special is it?

Carly: new 1 there

Bartley: sure, you can take it as a compliment if you fancy

Carly: rare as they are I’ll take em all 💎

Bartley: they can’t be that rare

Carly: why not?

Bartley: because you’re a pretty girl

Bartley: maybe you need to go to school more, then they’d not be

Carly: 😳🍨 if i was called pretty @ school instead of what I am i might

Bartley: are people cunts to you?

Carly: talk & my rep follows me off site like

Carly: its my own fault how they are

Bartley: is it?

Carly: somes surely my ma’s grant u but she’d not take it on as hers & Im not dragging the dead 🐎 along too

Bartley: I get it

Carly: I’m not 1 of yous but i go in for the same slagging to everyone @ school as youve had

Bartley: they stop once you smack them

Carly: you told us Im not built for 💪🥊🤕

Bartley: you’re not, no

Bartley: but I can’t hit no girls for you either

Carly: i asked you not to hit my ma’s man I wouldnt of u to smack no girls 

Carly: where’d be the sense

Bartley: I’m just saying

Carly: what youd protect me if you could?

Bartley: yeah

Carly: i'm just teasing

Bartley: very funny, messer

Carly: you’re v sweet

Bartley: I’ve heard

Carly: I dont wanna erin’s craic its k

Carly: whatever she whispered in your 💚👂 when she werent attached to your face’s between yous

Bartley: shut up 🙄

Carly: shut me up or quit ur 🙄

Bartley: her craic is never so you want to think on

Carly: don't you think shes pretty?

Bartley: sure, she’s fine

Bartley: it’s her personality

Carly: 😅😅😅

Carly: I like you & your bluntness all the more when its not directed @ me

Bartley: 😏

Bartley: I were nice, I didn’t kick her out or anything

Carly: me too & I wanted to kick her or drag her out by her hair or something

Bartley: did you

Carly: u & her knocks me 🤮 or 💪🥊🤕 or 😭 I said

Bartley: I remember

Bartley: there’s no me and her

Carly: you & 🤶 then

Carly: whoever’s next

Bartley: maybe you’d make a decent fighter after-all

Bartley: didn’t know you had so much rage in you

Carly: this heres why I asked if you’ve the knowing of any girls

Bartley: you’re always nice to everyone, all smiley

Carly: she don’t deserve different shes not trying to make me jealous

Bartley: but you are

Carly: yea

Bartley: yeah

Carly: no, say ive nothing to be jealous of

Carly: cos there’ll be no you & 🤶

Bartley: but you know what you’ve to be jealous of 

Bartley: and I like that you are

Carly: I can’t 💪🥊🤕 no girls for u to watch 

Carly: not what your bday 🎁 were for

Bartley: it was for watching you though, wasn’t it

Carly: but you could pick something I know how to do

Carly: go easier on me

Bartley: like walking downstairs on your hands, yeah

Carly: like that

Bartley: you’re mad

Carly: I’m less scared of stairs than I am of you

Bartley: why are you scared of me

Carly: its a bigger fall for u

Carly: it’d hurt more

Bartley: I won’t let it

Carly: you can’t protect me

Bartley: I’m not stupid, like the pair of them

Carly: they’re not, I am

Bartley: yes, they are

Bartley: I’d not do that

Carly: none of yous ever lied to me

Carly: I lied to myself

Bartley: They could’ve avoided everyone knowing, it’s not rocket science 

Carly: I won’t let anyone know why I’m smacking erin if shes back again

Bartley: she’s not meant to be here

Carly: you don’t want her

Bartley: only to see you pull her hair, maybe

Carly: maybe id risk my rep changing for the sake of what you’re after

Bartley: you want to

Carly: I want you to 👀 me

Bartley: I will

Carly: I won’t always be pretty

Bartley: yes you are

Carly: not if I let the 🍭🍬🚬🌿🌼🍄🍆🍺🍷🥃🍸🎱🔮🎈 all wear off

Bartley: I’m not scared

Carly: I am but I’ll still do it

Bartley: You’re brave then

Carly: desperate ive been called

Bartley: not for me

Carly: not by you but its for u

Bartley: it is now

Carly: I am now

Bartley: soon

Carly: from right now

Bartley: you have been thinking about me since [the night of the lock debacle] 

Carly: since [she saw them kiss and wanted to die in the most exact timeframe we can put that] if you’re after having it right, boy

Bartley: shit

Bartley: you really are jealous

Carly: I hate her

Carly: youre turning me into someone I’m never

Bartley: you’re still the sweetest to me

Carly: when you taste me ill forgive you

Carly: maybe her too but im not promising like

Bartley: you should hate her, that’s how it made me feel

Carly: did it?

Bartley: maybe I can’t hate them forever, we’re family

Bartley: but when it all went down, ‘course

Carly: don’t hate them forever

Carly: I’ll make it up to u, for everything

Bartley: You can do better

Carly: I’ll do anything

Carly: say it & its good as already done

Bartley: I know you’d do anything but what do you want to do

Carly: youre asking me?

Bartley: go on

Carly: no one ever has before I’m 😳

Bartley: Good

Carly: for an answer…

Carly: I want you to kiss me

Bartley: I will

Carly: when?

Bartley: when you’re not black and blue no more

Carly: k but you’re not to 💪🥊🤕 my dealer so’s we match in the time between

Bartley: Be all the better I never see his face again

Carly: I’m about to try my hardest to give him no cause to show it nowhere I’m @ or off to

Bartley: Glad to hear it

Carly: til im glad to chuck myself down the stairs for my personality to put a stop to itself

Carly: & you reckon erin’s a 1 for hers

Bartley: don’t I know yours yet?

Carly: my god I don’t even know it yet

Bartley: how can you reckon it so terrible then

Carly: my ma reckoned on turning to 🍭🍬🚬🌿🌼🍄🍆🍺🍷🥃🍸🎱🔮🎈 herself for a reason & ive no daddy for another

Bartley: both being your mammy has no sense

Carly: you’ve sense to move yourself from me in ways of your own

Bartley: it’s not right, for girls and boys to be friends, not to us

Bartley: it isn’t personal

Carly: it’ll be personal this time, most it can

Bartley: because it’s private

Carly: what if you don’t like me underneath? what am I to do?

Bartley: I already do

Carly: oh

Bartley: oh, yeah, alright

Bartley: so stop worrying

Carly: if I cover myself w makeup & clothes to mean none of the bruises show u could stop me worrying

Bartley: no, I don’t want to see you yet

Carly: sorry I’ll be 😇✨🙏

Bartley: I’ll see you when you’re all better

Carly: 😁🤍🌞☁️🌼🌻🌚🌟🌠🤍

Bartley: if you need somewhere to hide out from your mammy whilst I’m at work, you can use my ‘van

Bartley: I have a spare [wherever a boy would, in the BBQ perhaps]

Carly: you’ll make me cry 🥺😢😭

Bartley: ah, don’t do that

Carly: but its that kind of u

Bartley: you can have Ali in but no one else, alright

Carly: I swear

Carly: to treat the place even better than if it was my own

Bartley: it’s a deal then

Carly: 🤝💚

Carly: [okay so the first day she uses his caravan, which I don’t imagine is anywhere near the next day after what we just did because she’s got a detox to do and many a panic attack to have, but whenever it is during the bruise fading 2 week period, we ALL know she’s gonna tidy up his caravan top to bottom for the whole day basically so it’s the tidiest it’s ever been (including washing the blanket she used before obvs) and pick him some of the flowers that are around and about for his table and leave him some kind of one pot meal that he only has to heat up when he gets back from work, it’s FINE]

Bartley: Was all this you?

Carly: I’m sorry

Carly: I only meant to wash up ☕️🥄 I’d used but I started & never stopped

Carly: don’t be 😤😠 @ me

Bartley: Why would I be mad at you

Bartley: I thought my mammy had been ‘round, you didn’t have to do any of this

Carly: I got carried away, like 😳

Carly: might be you dont even eat [whatever she has made which is the most lowkey and chill and boy safe meal ever but we’re still scared he’ll hate it]

Bartley: I do

Bartley: Thanks, for everything

Carly: its nothing

Carly: nowhere near as nice as letting me borrow your van today

Bartley: it’s very nice

Bartley: and I’m not good with words so I don’t know how to tell you it’s not nothing but yeah

Carly: u did us a double favour not the other way round

Carly: keeping me busy 🌺🐝🍯 & out from under my mas feet

Bartley: I feel like I should give you something, like

Carly: you already gave me knowing of where 🔑 was

Bartley: suppose so

Carly: w out it id be 😈😝😜🤪😈

Bartley: I’m impressed

Carly: I can keep the devil out or the dust?

Bartley: two birds one stone, weren’t it

Carly: sure & ive some sanity kept in either way

Bartley: can tell you look after your ma and not the right way ‘round

Carly: I told you so but yea now you’ve been shown too

Bartley: the chinese is gonna wonder where I am

Carly: idm if you feel you’ve to tell me when to take a day off

Carly: for ur 🥡🥢🍜 craving’s sake

Bartley: less of a craving when it’s what I have every night my ma’s not made something, you’re grand

Carly: every night? 😅

Carly: come now boy you’ll have the heart attack before I’ll

Bartley: Sure it depends what we’re driving past on the way home

Bartley: don’t judge me, girl

Carly: what I’m gonna do is care for u every night your mammy’s her other mouths to feed

Carly: then you’ll stay 💪💚 as you are

Bartley: what about yours?

Bartley: she can’t be risking 🥡🥢🍜 every night

Carly: nor can I

Carly: but 1 portion extra won’t be no bother to me if wes all eat the same

Bartley: sounds good to me

Carly: not seen the inside of the chinese since [whatever special occasion it’s a tradition for whether that’s boxing day or your mum’s bday or whatever, we’re giving it’s been ages but now this boy has made her want one haha]

Bartley: I owe you one now

Bartley: what do you get?

Carly: nah you’re grand

Carly: my ma’s no believer in the 🧚‍♀️🥡🥢🍜🧚‍♀️ & what else would I tell her?

Bartley: you can have it at mine

Bartley: no need to share your [thing that everyone always wants like spring rolls or prawn toast and you’d have to fight over in a fam]

Carly: or my [and tell him your order even though you’re sure he’ll make fun of you because I imagine it’s the kind of thing George mocks in his vids because your mother is that chav and you’ve clearly been having the same thing since you were an even younger child than the child you still are cos anxiety be like]

Carly: but I’m to wait [however long is left of your he doesn't want to see you with bruises era] then? 🥺💔😢💔😭💔

Bartley: ‘fraid so

Bartley: you’ll be all the more hungry for it at least

Carly: you don’t reckon ive worked up appetite enough for all your talk of being impressed w me

Bartley: you must be knackered, definitely 

Carly: 🙏💙🔮💜🤞🌠 I’ll sleep well 

Carly: another favour you’ll have done by me

Bartley: you did it yourself, along with making this place look brand new

Carly: least I can til I look new again myself

Bartley: not like you owed me anything

Carly: I wanted to do something kind back w the 🔑 cos of your  offer being kind in itself

Bartley: I didn’t offer just to be nice

Carly: you just are

Bartley: not always

Carly: I’ve had time to think of how often it’s been true & it’s more than not

Bartley: it has?

Bartley: I’ll have to take your word

Carly: I don’t blame you doubting it when there’s plenty ive only ever wanted to be true but this is

Bartley: I just don’t feel like I’ve been that nice to you

Bartley: just not the worst

Carly: you’re the nicest take my word

Bartley: alright

Carly: I like your [something she saw in his caravan] 

Bartley: oh

Bartley: I probably should’ve tidied up better myself before I left

Carly: you werent expecting me

Carly: & im not teasing, I mean it

Carly: [say something more specific about why you like the thing because you really do]

Bartley: was today the first time you came over?

Carly: yea

Carly: 1st I went from feeling like I couldn’t leave ours to I feckin had to go that minute there or else

Bartley: yeah, know the feeling

Bartley: I’m glad, that you did

Carly: me too

Bartley: I know I could just say I’ll see you now but I can’t

Bartley: I know I’ll not be alright with it

Carly: I’m not after u 👀 @ me  ❤️💜💙 either

 Carly: but I forget when ive had the day 💭 of you w all your things round me

Bartley: as long as we’re on the same page

Carly: we’re right to wait

Carly: & as you’ve clean sheets to lie on no reason it’ll hurt you to

Bartley: oh am I to get a good nights sleep too?

Carly: unless you can’t for 💭 of me in your bedroom

Bartley: might’ve crossed my mind

Carly: luckily I never kept u from your work having no knowing I was there doing my own for you yet

Carly: I’m still to be counted as 😇✨🙏 how I said I’d behave

Bartley: can’t fault you, nah

Carly: my cooking maybe when you’ve tried it

Bartley: I wouldn’t say, I’ve got manners

Carly: I can’t tell your mammy & if u hate it I’d sooner be told than feed you shite you’ve no stomach for

Bartley: It isn’t

Carly: you like it?

Bartley: ‘course, yeah

Carly: yay

Bartley: Yay, you’re gas

Carly: what’s gas?

Bartley: you, you’re funny

Carly: can’t I be 😁😁😁 you’re not 🤢🤮?

Bartley: you can

Bartley: but why would I be, you’re no dope, you know how to cook

Carly: for my ma

Carly: you’ve not killed your tastebuds 🚬🍺🍷🥃

Bartley: you don’t need to worry, alright

Carly: I’m not now, you like it

Bartley: Good

Carly: & you don’t have need to worry yourself bb

Carly: not about us im getting 😁🤍🌞☁️🌼🌻🌚🌟🌠

Bartley: I know

Carly: you’ll 👀

Bartley: yeah, so there’d be no point in you lying, I believe you 

Carly: you can trust me to tell yous all the truth

Carly: i am even when you’d be after hearing a lie instead

Bartley: I’ve seen you put your foot in it enough to know

Carly: you’re never far when it happens like but I take less offence to that than I used to

Bartley: you’re not the only one that makes a fool of themselves

Bartley: have been know to, unfortunately, so

Carly: much less often

Carly: you’re grand

Bartley: I’m trying to fit in

Bartley: you know you don’t

Carly: we won’t ever be welcome or belong

Carly: its my earliest knowing of what was so with living here

Bartley: has she ever said why here

Carly: not to me

Carly: but sure she’d wear her not fitting in like an honour, being so for the drama you hate

Bartley: that’s usually why gorjas try to be about us, sure

Carly: hear a story of hers you’ve em all there’s sense in that being an old & done to its death 1 as well

Bartley: Parents are just like that, a bit

Carly: doesnt jesus have words written down about how you’re to talk of your mammy & daddy?

Bartley: yes, but I never dishonoured ‘em

Bartley: I just mean they’ve their own words on everything and by the time you’re in double digits, you’ve heard ‘em all twice over at least

Carly: true enough, he’d probably agree anyway having had god & joseph both as his daddys

Bartley: must be so

Carly: I wonder where mine is & what words hes living by

Bartley: do you think about your daddy a lot?

Carly: I try not to he’d never be impressed by me 

Bartley: Can’t be very impressive himself, unless she gave him no clue of you

Carly: given who shes picked else since might be best I’m kept in darkness over him

Bartley: but you’d like to know, still

Carly: to have some real clue instead of my guesses would be something but hers are all she has

Bartley: a guess is just that, it can’t give you anything but it also can’t mess you up 

Bartley: like you said, you don’t know how bad it could be

Carly: you’re so 🍀🐇🌠🎲

Bartley: yeah, I know

Carly: but by the same logic my ma could be worse herself or I could be w out 1 at all

Carly: meaning ive some 🍀🐇🌠🎲

Bartley: couldn’t it always be worse

Bartley: don’t mean you have to be glad and grateful 

Carly: if not I’d be 😤🍋😠🍋😡😈🤬😈 & 🥺💔😢💔😭💔

Carly: if im not trying to find the good what am I trying to do?

Bartley: you don’t have to let her walk all over you and take the piss though

Bartley: there’s nothing 😁😁😁 about that

Carly: u don’t have to live with her

Bartley: no, you do

Carly: & my god I’m trying my best

Bartley: okay

Carly: you’ve always something to say to put me in the wrong

Bartley: that’s not what I said

Carly: it is

Bartley: It ain’t, don’t tell me what I said

Carly: I heard what you said

Bartley: yeah and how you interpret my words is on you and your brain

Carly: sure look its been a 1 minute since you could find fault w me & now here’s your 1st chance to be back calling us mental again

Carly: have ur fun, boy

Bartley: Jesus Christ

Bartley: whatever

Carly: k yea whatever

[liminalnafaza]

life seems so dull, and pointless. my demons are my biggest obstacles. i cant get over myself, and im sabotaging my own life experience

i just wonder how much longer i can bear to exist, if it means to live without passion and happiness. i feel like i watch the world go by, without relating or understanding it. the want to do anything is so little. i do the bare minimum, to survive. what i dislike the most is the awareness of my own potential and power, and the fear which keeps me away from myself. im held back by an ocean of anxieties, and i feel like by the time i learn how to swim and gain strenght to cross the waters, i will be old and weak, and it wont matter no more

i wonder how long it will take...im getting impatient, im getting bored, im getting tired of pretending that i want to live- when all i do is just pretend, sometimes to the point where i cant tell it apart from being authentic

i dont know who i am and noone can tell me but me. god seems far away, and unwilling to help me- at least directly.

i reread old messages where i felt passion and love. i get even more confused about my path. my shadow made me lose people i love, and made me lose the love inside of myself in the first place. now i feel like i cant even access it, i cant get excited about anything, everything seems lived-through enough times already. is there anything left to impress me?

my body is getting weak, both from my mental and physical illnesses.

it seems like i always lived for others, and i found the motivation through them. especially through romantic partners. they were a motivation for me to live. now i see that im the only one who can save myself, as the infatuation phase wont last forever, and as living for others is no option neither. i dont think that i could have been kept alive through that relationship forever, right? its still haunting me, and i feel so alone in all of it. i try to carefully construct my life into pieces, like a puzzle, and i feel like its too vast for me to keep it together- yet if it falls to the ground, it needs to be assembled anew again. i feel like this is what awaits me, a tabula rasa, and i am here: bed ridden, weak, depressed, with no will or idea who i am and who i want to be. im molded of guilt for hurting others, for the mistakes i did, for the fact that i cannot stand up for myself, for all the fear that i live with, all the anxiety. and i am to reconstruct an entire puzzle? i am tired, and yet i am pushed to act as if im not. i feel like im living such a normal life, but theres little to identify with. at least its making me look like a put together person, to some degree. if it were up to me, id be doing nothing all day long- as im doing now. shadow and spiritual work also seems too demanding, and i fear that i cannot grow if i dont continue it.

i wonder if ill ever feel found and okay, if ill ever feel like this life of mine makes sense, and if ill find at least one thing to do which i actually want to do.

[ethernetmeep]

as much as i don’t know what its like to be a house, as i’m a living breathing being and houses are generally not portrayed in those ways, i still believe i can adequately understand and comprehend the hurt one must feel when it gets demolished or abandoned. yes, a house can’t feel pain— or can it? maybe not in the way we see pain as through nerve receptors or neural cords, but pain in that this was something once utilized for shelter, now being left as rubble and ruin for something else to take its place.

i have something to do, but i really don’t want to do it. if i do decide to do it, i’ll be afraid that i’ve lost the one thing which shows even the most minuscule of physical record of the fact i’ve existed. lost the one thing which holds memories for not just me but something, a concept i thought i knew but only just barely know the outline of. a concept i never had? maybe i never had it; it wouldn’t be too surprising. maybe i just imagined it was there, having it never actually be the case and yet another scenario of my own blindness to things being the death of me.

..i was confused over something an acquaintance said to me today; still am. im unsure if she read this book or not, and im getting aggravated at the fact i can’t understand. not aggravated at her, at myself. i wish i was able to understand certain things so, so badly, and the fact i get confused over little things like this makes me feel even more distraught. its like being at the very end of an OREO prank back in middle school and not knowing it was a prank until someone snickered and laughed; maybe the first time it was funny, but now its humiliating.

…back to the point i wished to make, i’m sure ill do said thing i didn’t want to do; it’s important, and i’d feel terrible if i didn’t. i already feel terrible, so it’d only stack and be a double trouble scenario. i remember wishing to do something whence i finally made my way through the scattered writings and quotes, but now that seems decades away. granted, didn’t even finish it; maybe that makes this hurt even worse.

somewhat related, my mother brought up a point in the car; something i hated, because she was right. i was trying to find some kind of retort, some kind of thing i could say in tandem and argue that no, i’m sure theres something there, but no, nothing, not even the tiniest speck of something similar as that never did happen. at all. it stung. i tried to recall anything, anything truly, but nothing.

at least i didn’t puke today.. i thought i was. i mean i was gonna, i was in the nurses office and everything, but i calmed down. also thought i was going to stay home today; didn’t. i think i’ll go tomorrow, cause i have that thing to do. also because i have a test.. only just now remembered that.

last add on; curious what ill do with this other big book which i bought. i can’t give it, because that ships already sailed. i think. have no clue and am too frightened to try. yes, frightened! scared! petrified, even! petrified of both interfering more than i already do by existing and also in general afraid. probably not good. also can’t return it because the guy who made it seems really nice and is probably an underpaid fellow. whatever, i’ll figure it out. maybe tomorrow.

[tears-of-boredom]

you know. ultimately, i dont mind being a girl. not in the like "ive always been a girl" way, but in the "im a girl now" way. sometimes i even like it. i think the hard part for me is that i do not feel like im cisgender, and since being a girl technically makes me that, i dont like it. it feels like im losing my trans-ness. and, out of all the labels, "transgender" really expresses how i feel so well. so, anytime i try to define my gender further, i, conciously or not, limit myself. i cant even consider the possibility of me being "just" a girl, because then im not trans. and this is the annoying thing about gender. because i know that the reason i feel like im trans, is because i know that gender is not like a. it is not a rigid thing. at all. i know that my body does not have anything to do with my gender. i did not really consider my gender at all growing up, and when i did, it was because i hated that other people used it to define things about me. i never felt like a girl, or wanted to be one, but until it started to matter to other people, i did not care about that. basically im saying that i did not have a gender growing up. and now that im starting to feel like theres something there, whatever it is, its different.

like. i feel like instead of "cisgender" meaning that you identify with your agab, its when you identify with the gender you grew up with. not what other people thought you were, but what you felt like.

im not trying to like, invaliate other peoples identities. im just describing how i myself understand gender.

so in my head, i would only be cisgender, if i continued to feel like i do not have a gender.

but, from where once was nothing, has now suddenly sprouted the desire to be a girl.

i used to really want to be a boy at some point, but those feelings were only because i felt like life would be easier that way. i felt like somehow being considered a boy would suddenly give me friends. and i thought that i could have stayed young and free of worry for longer. some of my problems would have been gone if i grew up as a boy, and that was literally the whole reason i wanted to be one. i was becoming more and more aware of how i did not feel like i belonged, and i thought that if i wouldve been a boy, everything would be fixed. and, in a way, i still think that. i think a different life wouldve served me better. but whether that life wouldve been as a boy or not does not matter.

i had a phase where i was really confused about my identity as a whole, and i kept trying to find something to explain everything. trans man, trans masc, nonbinary,asexual, aromantic, lesbian, gay, queer, demigirl, agender. i tried so many labels in an attempt to find myself. but thats all it was. trying to find myself. never did i find a label that satisfied me, because i just did not feel like i belonged. but ive started to suspect that that was because i was constantly dissociating as a coping mechanism. you know how it is.

but this was a long way of saying that ive started to notice how i genuinely want to be a girl. and i also want to keep calling myself trans. and im not going to try and specify it further for myself, because that never works and only makes me feel insecure in my identity. im trans and a girl. sometimes. i actually really hate the sound of the word "girl" if i hear it too much, so im gonna stop calling myself that. though that is what i am. hating how a word sounds does not change that.

and its quite funny how like, i need to justify it and explain it to myself this much to feel comfortable. because if it was literally anyone else id just say "yeah who cares, if you wanna call yourself trans, do it". but because of my fucking messed up psyche, im not able to let myself be so lax about things.. aughh