#im white and the only negative effect i feel from this is avoiding the use of certain symbols in public

[my-traumacore-sideblog]

vent post abt a piece of media from a fandom i don't usually cross tag my posts w so just a quick heads up, this blog is 1 i use 4 venting abt stuff, mainly so i can just kinda scream into the void abt stuff that's upsetting me, this isn't a debate blog even abt fandom opinion stuff since this is more abt "this triggered a negative mental health reaction in me bc im mentally ill and i need 2 talk abt that" and the validity of my mental health reactions to put it simply is just not up for debate, especially on this blog, the reason that im cross tagging instead of just leaving this in the vent tags is more as a kind of warning to others who might have a similar reaction to this piece of media as i did, kinda like doesthedogdie.com ig, by cross tagging i can mayb give any1 who might hav a similar reaction 2 me a heads up b4 they c the piece of media

cross tagging also w the madpunk and neuropunk tags bc of stuff that triggered my mental health symptoms and ppl in those tags would probably also b most wanting a heads up and those tags r also 4 ranting abt ableism

cross tagging also w the cripplepunk tag bc of the ableist content that triggered me relating 2 physical disability and that tag being also 4 ranting abt ableism

ok onto the rant/vent post

so i recently decided 2 mayb try getting into the horror genre, usually it's smth that i stay away from since i get scared p easily but my bf really likes horror and also i sometimes enjoy stuff that isn't what most ppl would consider "traditional horror" like if i look away during the gore scenes and i avoid the episode about food since ik what happens in it and that it'll be very triggering for me i actually really enjoy the series "don't hug me im scared" mainly because of the way it portrays disability and imo especially autism and personality disorders as smth that while not inherently bad can make the world u live in more challenging and feel like ur in a horror show if u hav them and try 2 interact w normal society in any way, this is smth i can heavily relate 2 from experience and it felt very validating 2 c that portrayed in a piece of media, it helped me feel seen in a way that couldn't rly be done without horror or horror elements, i also noticed that i enjoyed watching breaking bad as a sort of character study of walter white and jesse pinkman, im aware that breaking bad isn't technically categorised as a horror but given the gore and the psychological elements with everything that happens to jesse i would personally say it could be seen as sort of a psychological slasher comedy, i also recently saw a tiktok about how there was a lot of queer readings of some of the classic horror franchises and a character that was mentioned was chucky, i looked up a list of all the chucky movies in order with a brief description of what happened in them and once i realised how ridiculous the plot got then i knew it was probably something i would enjoy, i already knew i loved campy horror from watching rocky horror picture show and the heather's stage musical, both of which are still favourites of mine, now i knew it was a slasher still so i asked my boyfriend to watch with me, he loves horror and knows all about practical effects so i thought that if it got too much for me then he could help reassure me by explaining how the practical effects are done as sort of a reality check thing

[incoming spoilers 4 basically the entire franchies]

so we watched the first ever childs play movie together online and honestly i was hooked, i loved the silly explanation of how chucky got in the doll, which as some1 who commonly has delusions abt toys (especially dolls and other toys that hav movable joints ect) being alive (thanks 4 that 1 toy story) it was actually genuinely reassuring in a weird way that the only way that happened was bc chucky actively chose 2 put himself into the body of a doll and that its not that the doll was just inherently alive somehow, i loved the dynamic between andy and his mum, i loved the camera work that made u rly feel 4 chucky while he was being tossed around by ppl that didn't know he was a person, i loved the ridiculous special effects and deaths that took me out of the immersion but honestly in the best way possible, heck i even loved how no1 believed andy or the mum abt chucky bc it was done in a way that was clearly meant 4 u 2 sympathise w those characters, it was actually reassuring 2 c a film that (even if only indirectly) was still sympathising w ppl w my condition, personally i c child's play 1 as its own separate movie and i rly enjoyed it, i like 2 think that andy and his mum ran away and left the country and that the rest of the movies are a separate timeline where they didn't leave but that's just my headcanons

child's play 2 and 3 i don't have much to say on, they were good movies and it's nice that for the most part from what i can remember chucky's ire is mostly aimed at authority figures unless the situation specifically calls for him to make an exception, i did also like how the 3rd 1 was aimed a lot on the topic of sexism against men in the military

bride of chucky and seed of chucky i absolutely loved, probably second only to the first movie, i loved the silly campy mess of it all, i also liked how they acknowledged that chucky essentially has a really weird form of dwarfism now (weird bc he's literally in the body of an actual doll which just doesn't happen irl) it was something that i noticed in the 1st movie that i kinda related 2 and saw him being a doll partly as coding 4, the coding was strong in bride of chucky imo w tiff literally treating him like a child, putting him in a locked playpen ect, i found it interesting that he killed tiff mainly 2 put her in his shoes and as revenge 4 her being ableist 2 him, i also really resonated w glen/glenda in seed of chucky having 2 deal w their parents having very strict views on gender 2 the point of them seemingly having a DID split bc of it, pretty sure i literally did that at one point b4 realising that im trans bc of how weird my bio parents were abt gender stuff and had a bunch of expectations on me 2 b a girl but specifically a more masc presenting girl,,, which didn't work out since im kinda a fem/masc nonbinary trans guy who uses cute things as a comfort, idk it was kinda cathartic seeing that represented, as 4 the "murder = addiction" plotline, while yes it was used 4 comedic effect as some1 who has an addictive personality and knows that addiction can go beyond substances it was imo very in character 4 chucky and tiff, i can 100% believe that 4 chucky and tiff killing would b smth that they would become addicted 2 and i found it genuinely interesting as a character study, also it talked abt how ppl can b weirdly morally judgy when it comes 2 addiction, like tiff who has killed ppl is getting mad at chucky 4 doing so bc of the framing now of it being an addiction which,,, yeah, that's p accurate 2 how ppl talk abt addiction, ppl can b doing the exact same thing as u but when they do it its okay and suddenly when u do it its u doing smth morally wrong bc of u having an addiction

oh boy, this is when 4 me things went rly down hill, curse of chucky,,,, idk, ive heard the theory that it's just a nightmare that chucky is having and honestly yeah i can c that being the case mayb since none of it actually makes sense within the timeline also chucky is wildly out of character here imo, also y does this girl live in a mansion but hav the worst wheelchair? also y is there no back up generator 4 power cuts if she needs 2 use a lift 2 get 2 the next floor, also y did they decide chucky is a creepy stalker incel now? also this movie was kinda sadistic in comparison 2 the previous movies tbh, also chucky taking advantage of his victim being in a wheelchair to move her around the house where he wanted and pushing her off the stairs was just uncomfortable, chucky having a pregnant hostage in a flashback was uncomfortable also none of this was in character, like b4 this movie the only relationship we had seen him be in was w tiff and he literally loves seeing her murder so much he proposed 2 her bc of it and yeah there was the whole "he's a very jealous boyfriend" part of bride of chucky but,,, he was literally fine with just hanging out until she decided to bring up him killing this guy and she was very clearly into him killing this guy, it legitimately makes no sense to me from a character writing perspective that he would actually do the weird sunflowers hostage scene, now i can see this making sense if it was a nightmare that chucky was having, that he was thinking on his actions and worried that he made it seem like he wanted tiff to be in his shadow in their convo in the last movie (seed of chucky) so this is his brain worrying that this is how he comes of ect, but i shouldn't need to apply the "it was all a dream" hc 2 make a movie watchable

i skipped cult of chucky and the 2019 childs play reboot as i knew both would b very triggering 4 me given the subject matter

the chucky tv series

i actually legit hated this one, this is the 1 that made me write this whole thing, okay so, 1st of all im gay so no its not bc of the main character being a gay guy, im also a gay guy and i rly liked the idea of chucky being a queer ally after the seed of chucky movie and after having some time away from his family 2 think on things, like i mentioned earlier the idea of chucky being queer positive was partly what got me into this franchise, i rly loved the "im not a monster jake" scene where chucky basically says that just bc he's a serial killer doesn't mean he's queerphobic, as comedic as it is 4 chucky 2 say he's not a monster given that he's a serial killer i found it a genuinely funny and in character moment i 100% think chucky would fucking say that after the seed of chucky movie

i liked that chucky was trying to encourage the kids 2 stand up 4 themselves against their abusive family members and bullies (albeit in his own way)

hell i didn't even hate the idea that chucky just doesn't get that murder isn't smth that most ppl enjoy, i just found it kinda interesting, the idea that he's trying 2 genuinely bond w ppl but just doesn't rly hav a good grasp on how 2 do that but in a very comedy slasher over the top way

i liked that he was a fan of the peter pan books but as horror books, since yeh those books were kinda twisted and i can see chucky liking those as a kid bc of that

it's a damn shame that that's all i liked abt the series

okay so let's start w the false advertising of the genre, i tried this 1 since when i looked it up 2 c if it was meant 2 b a proper horror or more of a slasher comedy like the bride of chucky and seed of chucky the results that came up were saying it was a slasher comedy,,, i don't think this is accurate 4 the most part tbh, like i can think of maybe a handful of moments that were mayb a slasher comedy but imo the majority of the series is just straight up horror, especially when the tiff and nika stuff starts (we will fuking get 2 that later omfg)

4 some reason chucky kills just 4 the lols now? no real rhyme or reason 2 it which tbh just takes away from the character imo especially given that he keeps trying to convince the kids that he only kills ppl that "deserve it" but like,,,, yeah no in the show that's basically shown 2 b a lie, which is weird given that 4 the most part previously he mainly focused on authority figures, especially those that were abusing their authority

multiple chucky's now 4 some reason ig? yeah idk, it was kinda fun at first bc it's kinda ridiculous but like,,, tbh it just makes me remember how fun bride of chucky and seed of chucky were and it makes me wanna watch those instead of this shit

multiple tiffs now?,,,, why? like okay but why? her whole thing in seed of chucky was not wanting 2 b a doll anymore so y is doll tiff there when there's also human tiff? explanation pls? idk makes no sense 2 me but im assuming probably some shit happened in cult of chucky which i didn't watch

okay onto the main reason i made this post

MASSIVE TW 4 ABLEIST WRITING BTW

absolutely fuck the way that this show wrote tiff and nika in this, like holy shit i thought curse of chucky was uncomfortable but ig i hadn't seen anything yet, y did this new writer make the character of nika just 2 torture her? like okay chucky and nika in the same body 4 some reason, sure y not ig, kinda sucks that they r confirming that curse of chucky wasn't a nightmare in the canon timeline ig but whatever, chucky can walk in nika's body somehow???? no???? like she can't walk bc of a physical condition not a psychological 1 so that makes no fucking sense, like i could understand it if it was a psychological condition but in curse of chucky it's confirmed 2 b her heart so that makes no sense

tiff is into nika) okay sure, seed of chucky made it already seem like tiff was bi so why not

tiff prefers nika over chucky) okay? doesn't make much sense 2 me since she seemed 2 be into him being her serial killer husband but sure maybe she's kinda over him now idk

tiff stuffs nika in the trunk of her car like a hostage and takes her to move into the place where nika's family was killed) ummm.... what!?

tiff keeps nika a hostage and drugs her when she escapes) ew wtf, yeah that's legit really uncomfortable

BIG TW 4 ABLEIST WRITING JUMPSCARE U HAV BEEN WARNED

at the end of season 1 there's a sudden reveal that tiff cut off nikas legs and arms "so chucky couldn't use nika's body 2 hurt her" no. just no. there was literally no reason 4 this, she could hav used the amulet from the entire rest of the story 2 just transfer chucky's soul into smth else or some1 else and then killed that person, seed of chucky made it canon that u can in chucky lore put different parts of a soul into different bodies as we c w glen and glenda, just put the chucky soul into a different body and kill that person tiff ur a serial killer like wtf? there was no actual plot reason 4 this and it was completely unnecessary shock value in this show that i would like 2 remind u is supposed 2 b a slasher comedy not a traditional horror, as a wheelchair user i know how much we rely on our arms 2 get around and yeah, this one hurt and completely put me off the entire show, also as some1 who has trauma from ppl (bio parents, teachers, medical workers) pretending 2 b nice and pretending that they r doing smth 4 my own good just so they can get me where they want me so they can hurt me and often taking advantage of me being disabled in order 2 do that this genuinely triggered me, like in an actual trauma way, i had a crying, screaming panic attack 4 like 3 hours while my boyfriend tried 2 comfort me, there was literally no need 4 this 2 b written into this story that again, is supposed 2 b a slasher comedy, this was not slasher comedy, also it was this scene after everything else that has me genuinely convinced that this writer just made the character of nika because he wanted to torture a fictional wheelchair user because he hates disabled people i guess or at the very least he clearly sees us as less deserving of sympathy than non-disabled people, anyway from what i've googled it doesn't seem like things get any better in season 2 and tbh im just not gonna watch this anymore, it sucks bc i rly liked the og chucky movies and got rly hyperfixated on them so now i can't stop thinking abt it and i keep thinking of that 1 scene and it's basically stuck in my head 4 rn also great work from don ig in triggering my fucking cotards delusion for the first time in literal years when i thought i had managed 2 get it mostly under control, fucking cunt :)

so yeah this tv show single handedly turned me away from the horror genre and from the chucky franchies which i previously had enjoyed bc it was that fucking bad and weirdly fixated on turning disabled suffering into a spectacle

TL;DR

don't fucking watch anything after seed of chucky if ur disabled and especially don't watch the chucky tv series it sucks and i hate it and now the thing i had previously been enjoying is utterly ruined 4 me and it's literally made my symptoms actively worse

[thatbitchsimone]

I also love Angelica and think she's so great - there's another video on her youtube where she says people should only lose their virginity in their 20's - what do you think about this? I agree with her sentiment to an extent and I do think as a woman I was put into many situations that make me feel used now and I am sure this can negatively affect men as well.. I just kind of felt ashamed/worried after watching the video because she said that having sex very young can negatively set you up for life and I agree to an extent but I think there's more nuance to it than a 20 minute youtube video can express.. And also I think the problem more with me is I didn't know to express my boundaries or communicate and people took advantage of that sometimes.. and just how women are socialised etc etc

i was just gonna watch that video but it looks like shes deleted all of those videos (which sucks ass bc she had an amazing video about the tumblr nymphet community and its parallels to nambla and how it has negatively affected us that got seduced by that little subculture back in the mid 2010s) so unfortunately i cant answer this properly bc i dont have the full context and i dont have her arguments etc but i can still give some of my immidiate thoughts on it so here we go

i think losing ur virginity/wait with sex until ur in ur 20s is probably ideal tbh and i would absolutely encourage it for anyone who is in their teens rn and havent had their sexual debut yet. main reason being that u will be old enough to understand sex and its risks and effects and u will have had time to figure ur own body out more and u will most likely have at the very least basic level emotional intelligence and maturity that is required to have safe and healthy and enjoyable sex. like u have just finished puberty and just left teenagehood behind which is a messy and confusing and rough lifestage for all of us and ur now entering adulthood and have gained some perspective etc and u are way more in tune with urself (at the very least compared to when u were a teen) and both ur body and brain will be developed enough to be able to handle sex and have a realistic attitude around it and while ofc u can still be manipulated and u may still be somewhat naive it wont be anywhere near AS easy to manipulate u as it would have been earlier bc thats just how it is. u might still be vulnerable maybe sure but if ur vulnerable now u were even MORE vulnerable when u were a teen. its just how it is. thats how growing up works. u will probably have a way easier and more enjoyable sexual debut in ur 20s bc u will have a headstart in so many ways both physically and emotionally.

BUT im not gonna pretend like its that black and white and simple. Many girls (and boys but im focusing on women here) have perfectly normal and healthy sexual encounters when they are teenagers and i rly dont believe that sex will just automatically traumatize and harm u when ur a teen bc lets be real here, the key here is that u explore sex with UR PEERS, boys and girls within ur own age group, NOT ppl that are 20+ when u are like 14-16. when ur a high schooler and u want to explore sex u do it with other high schoolers. ppl ur own age. I think its perfectly fine and normal to have sex when ur a teen, but that is assuming u are having sex with other teens. NOT ppl that are like 5 years older than u. thats when actual impactful long lasting harm becomes highly likely. feeling like u got used and heartbroken by a boy in ur school aka a boy that is ur peer and ur own age will hurt and suck and will leave an impact on u but its a very different impact than the one u will be left with if u felt taken advantaged of by someone much older (not a teen). the dynamics are whats important here i think.

sex and relationships are messy and yes u can always get fucked up from it thats just how it is. u cant avoid it. u just need to be able to handle it and maybe ur not ready to handle it until ur like 25, thats fine. dont do it then. like if u dont think ur ready, just wait until u are. if ur like 15 and feel ready then go ahead but STICK TO PPL UR OWN AGE when ur that young. u gotta be equals. period.

[leathermouthfag]

hey, u don't have to answer this if u don't want to obviously, but I was wondering if u could elaborate on what u mean by "folkish" Norse pagens/heathens (from your dni)?

sure thing! this is going to be a long post, there's gonna be a lot of frank discussion of racism and nazis, and i don't know how to add a read more, so be warned

some background: tons of nazis and white nationalists are really drawn to norse paganism because it's easy to paint the gods as symbols of white power (regardless of basically everything we know of the myths, but you cannot try to bring logic into hate. you can't try to rationalise it). they've stolen a lot of symbols to the point where thor's hammer, specific runes, and runic writing as a whole are registered as hate symbols by the anti-defamation league. you get hate groups (soldiers of odin is the only one that i can remember off the top of my head, but there are a lot more) popping up, skinheads use a lot of norse and norse-inspired imagery, a lot of white power/white pride symbols are (or are designed to look like) norse pagan symbols. this is something that's been happening since the 1930s (the ss logo is 2 sowilo runes).

then you get people who will swear they aren't racist, but norse paganism/heathenry/whatever you want to call it (note: i'm very wary of people who say ásatrú in the usa, and people who use odinism/wotanism/etc are nazis) is just something that only white europeans (specifically germanic/scandinavian, but they really only care about skin colour) can do. it all has to do with "homelands" and "ancestry" and "intrinsic genetic links to culture and homeland" (that last one is straight up nazi ideology, btw. like. in the Shoah and genocide class i took last year, we spent a week just discussing it).

these people are "folkish" and there are some different degrees of folkish, but they're all racist. heathenry is NOT a closed practice (like Vodou, and many Indigenous religions). anyone can practice it regardless of race or culture, and saying otherwise draws into nazi ideology.

my gods are very important to me, and it hurts to see them used in the way they are.

[wormmomma]

MIDSOMMAR SPOILER REVIEW: this movie fucking broke me

CW:RAPE, ABUSE, PEDOPHILLIA

“Midsommar” is a grimm fairytale of sorts. A fairly different homage to the cult film the “wicker man”. “The wicker man” is about a european cult being investigated by a british christian cop, “midsommar” avoids the christian indictment of pagan/occult religious practices. midsommar attempts to be an out and out horror film unlike the a genre bending murder mystery/horror/thriller roots of “The wicker man”. Director ari aster obviously wanted to add to the annals of folk horror by creating an ambitious beautifully horrific and sometimes downright psychedelic film. Ari aster wanted to make a film where you can’t hide from the horror as it all happens in front of you. It's also a breakup movie for some reason? As someone who has seen the theatrical cut twice and the director's cut once I can assure you it misses the mark when taking both concepts. If you're wondering  whether not to watch the film i think that on a technical level “midsommar” is beautiful and has amazing cinematography, but the answer is yes, but no. Jordan Peele was shown an advance copy of the film and told Aster "I think you’ve made the most idyllic horror film of all time" that high praise. But that  being said for personal reasons this will be my final time seeing the film. I think the director's cut is a gorgeous and amazing three hour film. But as someone personally affected by rape, pedophillia, and the victimization mentally or physically handicapped people i cant reccomend this film wholeheartedly. I'm far from squeamish and love films that revel in shock, horror and extremity but I cannot in good conscious recommend a film I almost walked out on. I think Ari Aster has backpedaled immensely in his ability to create horror that exhibits empathy for his characters and the triumphs and tragedies that he subjects them too. “Hereditary” had an amount of emotional pathos for its characters that was almost completely removed from “Midsomer”. The fim feels unreasonably cruel even for a horror movie. Although enjoyable, proceed with caution “Midsommar” is a beautiful, slow, horrific but ultimately controversial mess of a film. 8/10

 (the rest of this review is a plot synopsis and a meditation on the more controversial passages in the movie and is to be read for those who have actually seen midsommar. Spoilers abound!) 

So what’s it  about? 

Midsommar is about Dani, an anxious and vulnerable young woman dating an emotionally abusive and reserved boyfriend named christian. After her bipolar sister commits suicide and murders both there parents, Dani goes on a european excursion with cristian with his anthropologist friends as they study a swedish cults midsommar summer solstice tradition. Dani reeling not only from having her parents taken from her by their favorite child, but also from the lack of any real emotional support goes on a gorgeous, psychedelia, induced nightmare of the cult horror variety. Immediately after touching down on the swedish cult's beautiful grassy commune christian manipulates dani into taking psychedelics. Christian although quite emotionally stunted and quite meek at his core is very sly and amazing at working people. Watching Christian make Dani do psychedelic drugs (mushrooms i believe) to make her clear refusal to take them into something that not only affects christian but also his friends and everyone around them is almost scary in its hilariously methodical toxicity. This leads to dani having a panic attack and from there the hits just keep on coming. Dani then has to watch as two cultist commit ritual suicide. This traumatic incident further escalated when one jumped off the mountain on his leg and needed to have his head crushed by cult members till it turns to meat and dust. To make a long three hour story with icelandic pacing short lets race to the finish line:

Christian begins to be pursued by a cult member named maja. Dani still reeling from seeing two people commit suicide has her worries invalidated by christian and all of his anthropologist bros. The anthropology bro argues about who deserves to break basically every rule of basic anthropology as they try to see who gets PAID for perverting a culture they were invited to study not disturb. Christian eats one of majas pubes. After pissing on a ceremonial tree for the dead, and taking photos of the forbidden religious text (written by an inbred autistic oracle boy) our two american secondary characters are chopped off. Dani and christian are the final outsiders left standing. Dani joins a dance competition (yes really) and becomes this year's may queen. forever to be immortalized in the annals of white female faces shown in portraits plastered in the sleeping quarters of this matriarchal cult commune. Christian is then raped as we discover how all the bodies of our other character are disposed of. Dani, inebriated and vulnerable, discovers christian being raped by the cult and forced to sleep with the 16 year old maja. Disgusted dani vomits and syncs her cries of pain with the cult sister and finally has her trauma validated. She is given the choice to then murder christian as hes trapped in a paralyzed state. Dani decides to burn christian alive in the body of a bear, finally defeating and overcoming her emotional abuser. Dani smiles as the cult writhes in pain from the death of the cult members burning alive with christian.Dani is happy. She has family. She is home.

So lets (finally) talk about maja

“Look at it from an academic perspective it would provide a unique glimpse into our sexual rights.”

“Can i not have a unique glimpse without participating?”

This is a conversation that is awkwardly cut from the theatrical version of midsommar. Christian is being offered to have sex with maja. Maja is a sixteen year old girl. The closest aster ever comes to revealing this fact is offhandedly mentioning maja having her first period. Christian refuses sex and is raped by maja, and the cult while a fourteen year old disabled child watches. There's a lot wrong with this scene. I’ll be honest for personal reasons I was really disgusted by this scene. I feel like im projecting but rape and pedophellia are really delicate topics and should be treated sensitivity. Ive seen alot of extreme very difficult horror films, i've seen rape, pedophillia, and violence explored in meaningful interesting and empathetic ways even ari asters own work like “meet the johnsons”. But watching maja rape christian with what i would assume are her older siblings, aunts, grandmothers, mother and other cult members as a 14 year old boy watches just made me feel fucking dirty. The weird part: it isn't horrific. While cristian was being raped, the audience I was watching it with were laughing. It wasn't scary. it was funny. It's a cognitive dissonance. The audience isn't aware of christians being raped or majas age. Most people assume he's cheating and deserves to be burned alive by dani. Making christian the bad guy of his own a rape is horrific but i shouldn’t need to hunt down that information and watch the film three times to understand that. It makes the movie feel as if its really bad at relaying basic information, at worst it's dishonestly hiding it to make the film more palatable. After putting all the pieces together I was disgusted. Ari aster crossed a line. I felt queasy and never wanted to see this film ever again. The fact ari aster could have made maja of age, or take the disabled 14 year old out the scene entirely, or not have had christian be raped in the first place while reaching a more understandable and tragic ending annoys me to know end, it feel like i watched these characters be used and mistreated for no reason. Just to shock me. It lacks value, it’s  gross and uninteresting. much like christian and everyone involved i feel violated and it's really hard for me to enjoy watching what is an otherwise (although flawed) very interesting and compelling work or art. I’m  still morbidly curious of the next film ari aster makes but i really hope he learns for this mistake and doesn't objectify children in another weird fetishistic male rape comedy routine. It just leaves me confused, disgusted and only makes it more challenging to analyze the more interesting implications of the film. I really appreciated hereditary as someone who has a very emotionally abusive family and has a very hard time processing death. I found hereditary horrific as it is cathartic. As someone who had to quite recently confront a pedophile, midsommar just left me hurt, and trapped. I was reliving some of the worst parts of my trauma as an audience sits around and laughs at it. It all felt so tragic and meaningless. I want to actually give ari asters work an honest critique but he's produced the only work of film that really hurt me and left me feeling violated. I really love his work and I know I'm exaggerating but I hope art never has such a negative effect on my mental health or anyone else’s ever again. I don't blame Maja or christian or the actor who portrayed them. I respect their performances although I have zero respect for how utterly tasteless midsommar ended up being for me. I think I need to learn how not to take art so seriously and try not to invest myself in other people's work. It's a difficult habit to kick. Needless to say, I cannot recommend this movie. If you're able to separate art from the artist and read this whole review without watching the film you're not a bad person for watching it, midsommar is a compelling, difficult experience.

I hope you enjoyed this review and I'm sorry if it got wayyy too personal in the end there. The movie clearly struck a raw nerve for me. if you enjoy this or any review  i've dones let me know. I may reveiw hereditary in the future.if your also having issues with death, rape, abuse or mental health i hope this review didnt make it worse. Everyone is deserving of love, family, community and I hope everyone can find that. Have a good day, and have a safe quarantine.   

[fellwhite]

SwitchTale

(Im not sure if that name is taken and its just a temporal name, it will be changed later)

Tws: Genocide, death

Just a heads up, this will be a long post cause i have no idea how read more works in mobile, also i do not know if someone has had this idea before so bruh, anyway here we go:

Basically, the concept is that instead of Chara being the first fallen child, Frisk will be the first one to fall instead in an underground where Asriel hasn't been born yet, effectively swapping Chara and Frisk's roles

And also Asriel is still just a child on Chara's arrival and he will help them go through the underground

This idea was based mostly on Epictale! But in this case it's on the classic undertale. Epictale by @yugogeer012

Frisk being the first one to arrive made A LOT of changes in the underground, some of them being by example:Toriel and Asgore didn't get divorced or anything, but they have been separated for decades, some monsters being more passive, while others are more aggressive, a similar yet fairly different underground with new chara-cters and more.

I still haven't figured out a lot of stuff so yeah this will have plenty of plotholes or things that make no sans-e. But anyway

Characters:

Frisk:Attack 20 Defense 25

*The first fallen human

*A rather kind and passive human child who heavily dislikes humanity and loves their monster family,while most of the time they act very nice sometimes they can lash out revealing their not-so-friendly side,their metods to achieve what they want or to do what they think is right are a bit extreme sometimes,loves puns and dominates flirting, their favorite food is charamel and chocolate

Chara: Attack 30 Defense 20

*The last fallen child

*A sassy and almost creepy human child,they hate humans but they're a bit more nice to monsters, they love chocolate,hugs and golden flowers

*Asriel is their best friend

(Chara's personality will heavily change depending on the route)

*Toriel: Everyone's favorite goat mom, she stays mostly the same but she is more protective and better trained at fighting, her fight is significantly more difficult in all routes

Asgore: The king of the underground and a big fluffy dad, his fight is a lot more difficult since he feels even more guilty and he's more desperate to end this, he wields his good ol'trident and will sometimes use a knife, he fights in genocide too. Asriel is forced to stay on the entrance to the throne room by royal guards so you have to face the king alone

Asriel: Everyone's favorite fluffy boi, he becomes Chara's best friend in just a couple days and he will help them go trough the underground

He's against murder but he will protect Chara either way and might even take a life for them

In genocide he will disappear after Toriel's death

He's 12 years old

THE GREAT PAPYRUS: Paps is a former member of the royal guard and he is a lot more serious with his job, he still won't kill you and there's also a lot less puzzles on Snowdin because of his job and instead there's a lot more royal guards in the way (mostly dogs)

He still hates his brother's puns and still has great self esteem but he is more aware of many things,he has a bit of knowledge on timelines and resets thanks to Sans but he still does not know when a load happens

Sans: The funny bone man, brother of Papyrus and another member of the royal guard (against his will) Sans is one of the characters with the most changes, he joined because of Papyrus and now has 2 Defense and 2 Attack, still 1hp, still does a lot of puns but just like Papyrus he's more serious and he will fight you once before the fight with paps to prepare you (he can't be killed in that fight as he will dodge and he will use only some simple bone attacks). He fights you on all routes in the last corridor unless you're in neutral and you didn't kill Papyrus, he is not the last genocide boss anymore, still has gaster blasters and karma but both are used only in genocide

Mk:????

Undyne: More ruthless and negative, her fights are all harder but not too much, she is even more determined than before and bleeds during genocide route, her undying form is pretty much the same but the heart in her armor is constantly changing from green, yellow and to white

You'll depend on Asriel to survive

Alphys: Our number 1 lizard nerd

Alphys is another character that's pretty different, she's more confident but she still is very shy, she's also more less kind at the start so you'll have to make her trust you first, she'll be against you for a bit in hotland but she will start to help you once Mettaton tries to kill you with the chainsaw (which by the way it's an usable item here and you get it on all routes after the Mettaton fight, it's the second most powerful weapon only behind the true knife)

Mettaton: He's literally the same, in fact he's a bit easier but has a longer fight and a couple new weapons, in genocide his NEO form can take only 7 hits but the attacks are very long and devastating. Asriel stays out of this one as it's a 1v1

Napstablook: they're a little bit more confident but still incredibly shy, their fight is easier but takes a couple more turns and you will need Asriel to help you

Muffet and Grillby: They united their places in order to have a better chance for their businesses to survive, it worked out really well but they constantly fight. Muffet is the exact same but a bit more stressed and Grillby is more talkative, Muffet offers drinks now aswell as spiders, and the same goes for Grillby

Temmies: hOI

Red: yes baby Red is here too, she appears around the CORE with 2 dog guards (which she mentions on her original fight) and she's an main boss and character

W.D:????

There's some additional characters that i added, like Captain froggit, yes their name is literally captain so their position is quite convenient, and a few more here and there

Toby isn't here, instead there's a wolf with... An smiling face? (yep that's me)

A few additional changes:

Frisk is viewed as an mostly chaotic neutral and inclined to chaotic good, but in genocide this changes ti chaotic evil

Yes Frisk is the narrator and acts somewhat similar to Chara

Both Chara and Frisk use they/them, i personally view em both as female and nonbinary respectively but i'll leave it like this to avoid discourse or anything

Napsta is nonbinary and uses they/them and he/him, prefers they tho, i left them like that since i haven't seen much discourse about Napsta's gender so bruh

Sans and Paps are ??????'? sons

Since im no Toby Papyrus can use his special attack (which is a blaster here) but he will hold back by himself in his fight

Some notes:

There's some guard campaments and the royal guard headquarters, only the campaments are accessible but you can see the hq from far away

You can ask me any doubts or anything idm

There will possibly be a comic, plenty of art, a written version or even possibly a couple playable fights in the future, but it will be a while before that happens

Odds are it will be all written but im not sure yet, references will be on an individual post

The au name is subject to change

THIS IS MY FIRST TIME DOING ANYTHING LIKE THIS SO ITS A TOTAL MESS IM SORRYYYALCKAOFKAOC

[beetlemancy]

Not angry venting but more gosh i really dislike that i keep trying to get back into watching live then I see matt making a rules calling that isnt correct and IM annoyed and i hate *that* emotional response, (specifically in this case not letting jester drop conc - which by the rules she is very much allowed to do at anytime), so again not angry venting *at matt* and more gosh i wish i didnt have standards on matt that he has no responsibility to me to keep, but somehow i still care about :(

hey, I’m gonna put the rest of your (relevant) asks and my response to them under this read more for brevity, and encourage anyone who gets up in their feelings about this ask to read the followups because they are far more important for context on this subject - AND please know that these asks were sent before the stuff that went down later in the episode. Also, those reading should take their time because its a wishy washy subject that can get sensitive but this is absolutely done in good faith and I think its important for us to acknowledge these feelings in ourselves when they come up!(also the last time I posted a long ass post like this the format got all wonky after I looked at it on mobile, so if its all one big paragraph - it was not intended to be that way and i’ll fix it soon)

Ask 2-3: just sent that ask and i want to clarify, its not bad matt not being RAW, follow the rules or perish. its more, hes a great dm and making a rules call that disadvantages the players for a reason i can not understand at all makes me feel not happy despite the fact that i know im not a player and this isnt actually effecting me personally, yet i sit here with my negative emotions and idea how to force myself to not feel them :(((((i told myself that was going to be my last ask of the night but for the sake of being clear with you) i also wonder how much of my being upset about being upset is that i dont want to be in the same camp as twitter / reddit ppl who get on matt about rules calls and are cruel to him about it, and just agreeing with their base statement makes me feel like im saying its okay to do that

Mmk. There’s sort of two main subjects I wanna cover: the action and the feeling.The basic truth is that occasionally we get feelings that remind us of the rage of people we do not want to be. This is human, and it happens in life in so many ways, not just in fandom. However, I’ll stick with CR for now. We see the Twitter and Reddit threads that berate Matt and the players for rule issues and we think, we would never be that up in our feelings, right? But it is so much less about what we feel and more about what our actions are. 

The people who make those posts? Some of them are full of so much hate for something that they just use this as an opportunity to lash out. Others are genuinely trying to be helpful and just don’t understand the concept that they are not the only person on the internet and that often times one person saying something is benign but that hundreds of people saying it is malicious. Sometimes people might not even feel that much about the subject but want to join the fight because its something to do or because their peers/friends are.

What defines the result of ANY rules lawyering post online is not the reason they made the post, though, is it? Its simply that they did. Their intent doesn’t really matter that much - a post was still made, and posts were made on top of that post, and those posts, and now we’ve got a flame war - intent be damned.

By the same nature, if you don’t make that post? It doesn’t matter what your feelings are on the topic. You choose to not add to that noise. Take that win and feel good about it! (btw, sending someone an ask to parse through your feelings on the subject isn’t ‘making that post’ either)

Okay. Now - about the feelings.

I’m honestly with you there and have been the last few combat scenarios. I’ve noticed myself wondering if Matt is getting more and more ‘me vs them’ in his combat DM style because it feels that way to me. I’m guessing that a lot of my discomfort also has to do with my inherent sense of black-and-white Fairness - being Autistic comes with that privilege for a lot of us. ADHD Cousins can get theirs in maroon I think, but they have to order it special. ;)

I grapple a lot with my feelings on combat in CR when it does start to feel antagonistic or unfair to one or more players (or sometimes even Matt himself!). Here is what I do: well, for one, compartmentalize until the next day or two. CR brings up a lot of feelings. Its a lot of story and I get super immersed. The emotions are high for everyone during a good episode, sometimes especially during combat, and so I allow myself the cool down time before I really look at it again.

After that time, if I still feel the same way and it still bugs me, I watch stuff where they talk about how much they love each other. I play that clip of Liam saying ITS A GAME! over and over. I get super in deep with the Critmas vids or another Talks episode I really love. That’s what helps me kick it, in the end. The visual and auditory reminder that these are friends and sometimes friends have a little tension when they are all in a state of high adrenaline but that they clearly would not do this if it wasn’t fun for them anymore. 

I do have a buddy of mine that is really hardcore Justice. He is, straight up, like Justice from Dragon Age. The guy is Fairness with a capital F, and his method of dealing is different from mine: he doesn’t watch combat from any TTRPG show. He just avoids it, because he doesn’t wanna be That Guy on reddit, but the intensity with which he feels the call to correct wrongs is very strong. He takes himself out of the equation, reads a recap or asks friends, and then can engage healthily with the RP and the story outside of combat. Its a good system for him.

Maybe you can find a method similar to either of these options? Maybe you just need a healthy place to vent about it. For that, I’d suggest a discord or a friend (or me off anon and then I won’t publish if you ask me not to! or send me a pm!). Or perhaps you need to reevaluate how you watch CR and what you’re willing to give up in order to not feel this way. Or maybe binge watching some quality CR wholesomeness will help those feelings dampen. Either way, you are not Wrong for feeling. We just have to watch our actions.

[arkus-rhapsode]

Ok. So what do you think of the latest chapters of fairy tail 100 years quests? What what's happening to characters? I think you're so possed that you even stopped reading more

Hoo boy... *Cracks knuckles* We may be here for a while.

So before I start, let me make clear that I actually keep up with 100YQ, though not for any actual interest anymore. I now stay with it for ironic enjoyment. Because I could say EZ has dumb stuff, but at this point, if you’re Hiro Mashima’s main audience, its fine. No, 100YQ is unique in that it has WTF moments that transcend just the FT fandom sensibilities.

Before I dig in, I’m gonna lay out some formatting rules because we’re cover A LOT. Im gonna be fair and split this up into positive and negative aspects of the series. Because I at least try to be intellectually in what I do.

To avoid from going on tangents and jumping around, I’m gonna be going in chronological order of events. Now this will not be an overview of the series up to this point because that’s stuff I’ve already talked about. Instead I’m gonna start from the point this went from genuine interest to ironic interest. That begin the Whited Out FT Guild.

Positives:

The concept of the wood dragon god having a kingdom on his back is really cool world building. Its actually something that I really liked about the Sea Dragon God as well. Having a realm reliant on the dragon as well as a reason to revere them. What with the water dragon god controlling the tides while wood dragon god is the supporting the city on his back actually makes them seem like god figures and adds to the lore of the world of Earthland in a way that Ishgar and Alvarez sorely failed at.

Laxus punching out Kyria. Petty yes, as Kyria is my least favorite dragon slayer. However a lot of Whited out FT mages were getting jobbered like crazy or just given unceremonious defeats. So Laxus actually seeming like an obstacle was good.

The cat twist with Touka is actually a funny bit of trolling and was one of the few times there was effective foreshadowing with Touka having a tail. (Too bad it was suck in the meandering Gajeel plot.)

The Dragon Eater guild is a much better final villain army than Spriggan 12. The 12 had little structure as to who was the stronger members, resulting in multiple Spriggans feeling like such major disappointments.

Most Mashima Villain organizations tend to broken up like this: Boss->Special Units (I.E Spriggan 12, Nine Demon Gates, Element 4)->Fodder Units.

No one cares when the fodder of a villain group is beaten as they’re just faceless minions. However, when you get to the special unit, that’s wheen there are actual obstacles and the villains start becoming more like characters. However, Hiro has been bad at this when he’s dealing with bigger organizations.

He never had to worry about telling you which member of the villain group’s special unit were more powerful than the others. Due to working with units composed of low amounts of characters, such as Team Lyon, Element 4, and Death’s Head.

You could say that all were roughly around the same power threshold. However, where the spriggan 12 royally failed was there were 12 of them in that unit and they were all just given the blanket term of being on the same level of the number 1 wizard saint. Yeah... that’s a check so large that Hiro could not cash it.

Hiro even seemed to retroactively acknowledge this by stating that August, Irene, and Larcarde were the three best to cover his ass for the fact that all the spriggans seemed to be jobbered far easier than ones supposedly equal to the number 1 saint.

However, the Dragon Eaters are opponents we’re gradually introduced to over the storyline and we actually see a demonstration of what a group of them can do, instead of 1 just trying take on all of team Natsu at once. We see that Skullion’s team is roughly equal to Team Natsu, giving us a gauge for the Dragon Eater strength, but then we get both Wraith and Nebal, underlings not part of Skullion’s thre man team, implying that are of a weaker variety and thus serving as a stepping stone to fight Skullion. But also introducing us to the Black Dragon Slayer Cavalry. Members above Skullion’s team that give us an idea if when they show up what the audience should expect of their strength level.

There’s a reason why in One Piece why Yonkou opperations have so many categories. You’re not gonna care about the minor thugs, but by making a distinction between the Headliners and the Disasters in Kaidou’s crew, you’ve made it so that we the audience will not feel disappointed if a Headliner is beat by a weaker character like say Usopp but still know that they are more than a foot soldier so this win meant something.

Now time for the negatives:

The concept of White Out is not awful, and is actually a fairly interesting concept for a villain motivation in FT. However, the White Witch is one of the most transparently evil characters in the series, thus you know that she’s doing this morally ambiguous action because she’s evil. Imagine if this were about humans or royals who feared the growing power of mages. Or a disillusioned mage with the concept of people like Zeref or the GMG, where is seems like magic is endless and how that’s a threat to the world. No, White Witch really seems like she wants to be this grand manipulator and actively enjoys calling heer whited out people, puppets.

However, there’s also the fact the whiting out doesn’t make too much sense. Some characters seem like mind controlled puppets like Juvia, while others are basically the same except their evil now like Gajeel, Mira, Elfman, Laxus. And some are dumb jokes like Jellal.

So there’s no consistency to this brainwashing. Only other time I’ve seen a mind control plot like that in media before is Yugioh GX. Sometimes people act like they’ve been brainwashed into something different like Alexis. But then people like Bastion and a lot of the gag members of the society like Rose and Bob act as if they’re not affected by anything.

Yeah, this white witch plot feels distractedly ripped off from the society of Light from Yugioh GX.

The concept of Team Natsu vs FT in the vain of the fighting festival arc is dumb narratively from two standpoints. First from a story standpoint in the idea that why the battle of FT arc was opportunity, due to the fact they were all willing to fight to free the frozen girls. Which allowed for others to show shades to their motivations Like Alzack willing to mow through his other comrades for Bisca or Thunder God Tribe assisting in protecting Laxus so he’s the last man standing. There’s a tangible reward on th line that motivates the characters to act as do.

Here, the characters are clearly fighting against their will because of an intangible force. This white magic makes them slaves and are fighting because “white doctrine.” Something they only believeebecause brainwashing. As such, you want to see Natsu and gang beat them up to stop the white witch and free them. There’s no force or intrigue that makes the audience care about both sides like seeing Alzack vs Jet and Droy because you know they both want to save their partners but only one can. Instead people only care because a surface level of “friend turned evil” device. It takes the B and C list cast of the FT guild and makes them props.

And from a meta standpoint, there is no tension, due to the fact this is a post final battle with acnologia Team Natsu. The team is bounds ahead of so many guild members like Macao, Reedus, Max etc. that the only real threat is the S class mages. So that makes that big page spread of evil FT in cult robes dull as only like 3 of them are gonna actually matter.

Then there’s Wraith. Nebal was a boring an generic crazy guy is unimpressive, Wriath was actually really interesting at first. Is ghost magic allowed for an interesting fight and his possession actually having limitations on how effective it was made for a cool skill.

But then the reveal about him and Makarov. I eye-rolled at that point, but then I saw the previews and was like, maybe this’ll be the best thing to come out of this series. Everyone wants to know more about past FT around team Makarov’s time.

But all the potential of young Makarov and young Porylusica and the rest of their team is put on fast forward as they’re all suddenly thinking about leaving. But maybe the reveal with Wraith could be interesting. I saw a lot of good theories like Wraith was Makarov’s half brother or Wraith was the son of Makarov and Porylusica who was killed by Ivan.

Well... Any theory would’ve been better than Wraith was some random ass mage and when they say he a Makarov are related its because the bonds of FT that is real family and transcends death itself.

...Gag me...

And and Wraith just fucks off into the afterlife. Because we can’t actually end a fight because of the protagonist’s ingenuity. No, the villain just kills themselves because feels. Isn’t that right August and Irene?

In conclusion

That’s my thoughts as briefly and coherent as I could make them. So if you wanna know my feelings on 100YQ, it can basically be summed in FT being FT. If you expected more, you’re gonna be disappointed. But if you genuinely love the world and character regardless of Hiro’s writing, you’ll probably still enjoy it regardless of what I’m saying

[unpretentiousblogging]

My first suicide note

Don’t worry, this isn’t THE note, merely me reminiscing about what WAS my first note. And anyway, starting my actual suicide note with ‘first’ would be extremely stupid and already declaring defeat...which is ironic, since, you know, suicide is declaring defeat from life in general. 

Oh god. I do this a lot. Use poor humour to deflect from my obviously concerning thoughts. But anyway, it’s fine.Back to topic. (side note; there was no humour in my first suicide note. Hmm. Maybe I should incorporate that in the next one...joke. Maybe.Hopefully. Idk)

Anyway, first suicide note. Ah yes. I was fifteen.It was..2014? I don’t really remember much of it or the details surrounding that year. Just that it was angry and sad and vengeful and full of so much...hurt.Against everyone.My friends.My enemies. My mother. 

Ah. My mother. A recurring character in every suicide note I’ve ever written. It’s not her fault. She is not per say a bad person. But more on that later. This isn’t about her. This is about my suicide note and how it ended up being the first one.

A lot had been leading up to it. I should probably avoid saying the work depressed since I wasn't clinically diagnosed, but a bitch isn’t dumb. Or I mean, she is. But not in this case. You know when you spend the better part of two months not talking to anyone and experience the crushing pressure of this giant, pressing hollowness gnawing-ness that stays there no matter what you do, that THAT isn’t normal. Or at least, it wasn’t to me.

Tbh, I don’t understand much of it. That feeling. What caused it. Why it became such a significant part of my being. I was just in a negative head space. I had suddenly become hyper aware of the farce in everyone’s interaction with me. I detested that I couldn’t study what I wanted to. I had just...a lot going on. 

And also, truthfully, I think I had been using too much Tumblr. I would see this constant downpour of emaciated, beautiful girls talking about sadness as skinny white boys with cigarettes dangling from the corner of their mouths would tenderly hold them and I guess I internalised that this was what it took to be loved and also all that life had to offer.

Love. What a funny thing I chase after.So uninterested but also so extremely curious. Sigh.

Also, funny how the very platform that propelled me into the state I was then, is what I have chosen to come back to while meandering somewhere similar to that state. Not really funny,but what did I say..force of habbit. 

Anyway, back to story. I was sad.Really sad. And angry. And the final straw was the fight with my mom. I don’t remember what it was about. Not important. Just that I realised that I didn’t want my life anymore. Any life for that matter.

So, how does a 15 year old, kill herself? Or well, try to. Because, suuurprise. It obviously didn’t work. I didn’t die. (yet) Or I wouldn’t be ‘’killing time’’ (haha) by writing this.

Well,didn’t own a gun.not smart enough to figure out how strangulation worked.House not tall enough for free falling from roof to cause desired effect. Too much of a wimp to cut veins.

The only other logical explanation was to ingest some poison. Painless. Bound to achieve results without risking grotesquely convulsing my appearance in the way that free falling or burning would do should the fail to work.

Now, we didn’t have any poison lying around the house but I remember how popularised the video of the Amanda Todd suicide was and how she mentioned drinking bleach to kill herself. So, my manic self rushed to the bathroom in search for my poison.

Unfortunately, I could find no bleach. So,I reached out for the next best thing. This anti acne product I had bought from Shams recently. It was pretty expensive and barely used but since I was going to die anyway,what was the point of me being careful with this overpriced bottle of skin care.

Yes, I decided to die by gulping down a bottle of a beautification product for my skin. Not only is that highly improbable but I think about it and snicker at the fact that is basically a twist on the whole ‘eat makeup to become prettier on the inside’ joke. I was basically annihilating all the blemishes on my inside by ingesting that bottle of toner. Pretty funny, if you think about it. Or just me?

To be fair, at the time, I didn’t think it was. I legitimately thought I was going to die.With my eyes sputtering out a tsunami of tears,I guzzled the colourless liquid from the transparent bottle and drank till there was only around 20 percent left. 

The whole thing rushing down my windpipe in one giant gulp. The second I was done with this I started freaking out. My throat burned and I felt this warm, icky wave of nausea steadily creep up on me.

You see, I stupidly didn’t wager that it would take so long.My juvenile brain had been expecting the job to be done quick and painlessly. This was neither and now my paranoid brain started whizzing like an unstoppable slot machine. I started panicking, remembering this post I had read online by this guy who recounted how his failed attempt at ingesting pills for suicide resulted in a highly painful stomach pumping experience and a life time of painful and uncomfortable digestion. I wasn’t prepared for that.I couldn’t not die and also end up with more issues on top of the ones I already did.

In a mad rush against time, I scrambled to get my phone and performed a quick Google search-what to do if you eat poison. The most frequently suggestions were to call poison control and to induce vomiting. Since, I couldn't really do the first one, I made way to the toilet and thankfully to my minor stint with bulimia (and they said eating disorders aren’t useful, pfft) , I knew exactly how to do the latter. Quickly, I shoved my fingers down my throat and attempted to force my alimentary canal to defy gravity. I alternated between this and ramming my toothbrush down my mouth and lo and behold, spurts of translucent chemical gush forth from my mouth like a faulty tap. 

At this point, I had progressed to full blown sobbing. I wasn’t able to successfully eliminate all the toxic liquid from my body and the purge had just resulted with me hiccuping incessantly and my stomach gurgling uncontrollably. Also, my mouth had a horrible aftertaste. Overall, I felt repulsive and sick and also glaringly aware of my soon to be (in my head) death.

In my misery studded mind, I made peace with my fate and decided that were I to to die, I had to make sure I hurt everyone who ever hurt me just as much as. I wanted them to feel guilty. Afterall, my death couldn’t just end with a bunch of people feeling sorry for me and the people who had done me wrong to not experience any of the anguish I had. So, I put pen to paper and began to scribble on an old English paper-my first suicide letter.

At the time, I didn’t know it was to be my first, of course. I thought it was my one and only. I dedicated this atrocious piece of writing to virtually everyone who meant anything to me in my life. Ex best friend? Obviously mentioned. Brother? Definitely to blame. Friend who cared but not enough? Special shout out.

But the star of the show, the main dedication of the bitterness fuelled literary rampage was  one person-my lovely mother. Like I said, not a bad person.  But just not compatible with me, to put it nicely. Anyway, the body of this letter revolved around her and how all the events of my interactions with her had materialised into this blame. If any one was to be guilt ridden after this entire ordeal, I wanted to make sure that it was her. 

Everyone else got a few sentences or a paragraph, but my mom, well she got pages and pages of my teen angst and venom against her. In fact, the opening of this abysmal note started off with something like, ‘’In case I don’t wake up tomorrow’’ (I wasn’t sure how effective the ‘’poison’’ would be. In hindsight, not at all), ‘’ you (mother) should know that YOU are to blame for all of this’’.

Pretty dramatic, am I right? Anyway, I don’t really remember more of what happened in the note, but basically, you get the idea of how it went, ok? 

So, yeah, after penning that intense piece of literature, I willed myself to go to sleep and hopefully die painlessly in my slumber. Or not. I wasn’t sure at this point whether I wanted to survive or not. Probably the most anxious sleep I was getting. After all, I didn’t know whether I was going to wake up the next morning or not.

Spoiler alert: I did. With relief.

And I tore up the note immediately. I think my mother had already read some of it but I am not sure if I remember entirely. I recall sitting in the car with her as she drove and a passing mention was made of it and all I said was that I had written a story in my notebook. And that was it. Did she believe me? Or did she simply not care enough? Or maybe her brain could not even begin to register that I was capable of performing such an abominable task. I don’t know. I wonder though, if she ever stays up at night wondering about what it meant. What any of it was.

I’m pretty sure she doesn’t even remember. I do. 

And that, brings to a complete, the pointless rambling of me and my first suicide note. 

good bye.

(we’ve reached the end. im not gonna go kill myself...right now. lol. maybe/ ok bye)

[rwolf19]

Garden Pt. 3 — An Elucien Fic

Length: 3911

Rating: M, SFW(ish)

First | Previous | The Pull (Nessian) | Aflame

A/N: Hullo, I’m back. I have this nasty habit of sitting on finished fics until I forget about them. My bad! But also, FUCK TUMBLR IT’S NOT LIKE I’M TRYING TO POST ON MOBILE AND GOT FUCKED IN THE ASS INSTEAD STUPID ASS FUCKING APP DESIGNED TO MURDER ITS USERS FOR THE SAKE OF MONEY I’M GOING TO AO3 and I’M NOT COMING BACK I’M rWolfWrites fuck this shiiiittt it wasn’t going to be an April’s Fool shit but damn does this fucking nonsense PISS ME OFFFFFFFFFF I COPY AND PASTE THE WHOLE ASS THING AND IT TELLS ME IM OVER PARAGRAPH LIMIT WITH LITERALLY LIKE FIVE LEFT GO SUCK A DICK TUMBLR I’M FUCKING TAKING MY FICS AND LEAVING JESUS FUCKING CHRIST IT’S NOT PORN YOU PRUDISH FUCKS YALLST WANT JUST THE BEGINNING JUST THE END OR SOME FUCKING NONSENSE EVERY OTHER GODDAMN PARAGRAPH FUCK IM GOING TO WRITE SOME AFLAME AU WHILE IM MAD JESUS Fuck

WHY IS THERE SO MUCH DEAD SPACE JUSR LET ME POST LIKE THREE PARAGRAPHS OF THE FUCKING NONSENSE JESUS H CHRIST EAT A DICK TUMBLR

Elain liked the Day Court. She liked the way Lucien’s russet eye gleamed as his tinker-friend explained things. She liked the marble and the air and the sky. More than the Night Court, it was peaceful. Not in the same way, though. The Day Court was bustling and bursting with energy. There was always someone to help, always something to do.

And the City of the Sun—gods, she loved Solas. It was bright and full of hard-working people who yet stopped to enjoy the feel of the sun on skin or scale or carapace. Everyone wore more or less the same thing; everyone had passionate conversations of whatever fancy had recently taken their interest; everyone tried everything and spoke only of the good. Little complaining was heard because they had all been subject to terrible hardship.

“Elain, I do believe you are single-handedly going to change how people view the Night Court,” Helion said over dinner. She and Lucien always dined together, but Helion showed up only when he wanted to. They’d been given a suite of rooms with a dining and sitting area between their bedrooms. They shared a bathroom as well, though Elain was used to that. “Anyone I talk to can only say that you brighten the day.”

Elain blushed, “The people here are very welcoming. I’ve never met so many who are so purposefully happy.”

Lucien grunted in agreement and pushed his food around his plate. Helion sat at the head of the small table, and Lucien was across from Elain. She stretched out her foot carefully and nudged him. His eyes raised to hers for a moment before returning to his half-finished plate.

“Come now, Elain, don’t sell yourself short,” Helion smiled broadly. “Tell me, can you see yourself staying here?” Lucien’s head snapped up with a snarl. “Don’t.” “Lucien.” Helion only laughed and threw a grape into his mouth. He leaned back in his chair. “There was no reason for Rhysand to send both of you here unless he wants to incorporate something of his here or something of mine in the Night Court. I’m simply wondering-“ “I asked to come,” Elain said softly, her eyes never leaving Lucien. He continued to glare at the High Lord. She wanted to come to get away from Nesta. Because despite how many times Nesta had apologized, despite Feyre’s healing, Elain could not forget the moment that her sister went crazy and slammed her head into the mantle of the fireplace in Feyre’s townhouse. She couldn’t walk through the room without smelling her own blood, without seeing Lucien pleading for her to stay awake. And the roof, the roof where her garden was, it had become the place where Cassian had snapped Lucien’s leg. Elain left because her sister’s mating was negatively effecting her own. Elain left because she thought she might be more daring away from her sisters. She’d built this grand fantasy in her head around going to the Day Court and using the opportunity to be with Lucien—in every sense of the word. But Lucien, it seemed, did not want to touch her here, where he said the walls watched. He did no more than kiss her cheek before retiring to his own room every night. “Did you miss me that much?” Lucien bared his teeth in a low growl. Helion smirked, “Your mate doesn’t seem to like me.” “You’ve never given me much reason to,” Lucien answered sharply. “Lucien,” Elain warned again, softer. “Never? I hardly know you, Lucien, yet I’ve given you the best guest suite-“ “My mother has spent most my life being beaten behind closed doors,” Lucien said lowly. Helion’s smile evaporated. “I know it is punishment for something you were party to.” “Lucien-“ “You know he does it because she loved you. You know, and you’ve known from the start. And still, you do nothing. You had just gotten peace from the first War, then you were under Amarantha’s thumb. She tortured my mother, not because of me, not because of my father, but because it was the only way she knew how to hurt you, you personally, for your part in the War,” Lucien spat. Helion’s lip curled into a sneer. His eyes glowed faintly. “And my mother wasn’t worth your time or resources. She doesn’t deserve anything more than the hell she’s lived for centuries-“ “Enough,” Helion stood. Elain tried not to squeak in fright. Lucien rose just as quickly, jabbing his finger at Helion. “And you have the nerve to sit there and flirt with my mate as though anyone could want to stay with you after how you treated my mother!” “Lucien!” Elain gasped. Helion’s nostrils flared, “Been sitting on that for a while?” “Two-hundred years.” They glared at each other for a long time. Elain could not help but notice how similar their profiles were. The tone of their skin was near the same as well, though Lucien was much fairer. Even the way they were built- ‘You can’t catch me!’ A small child races away from her, hair brassy, feet tiny and pattering. She chases the child through the palace, weaving through marble pillars. She gains on the child enough to brush the soft white chiton the child wears. The child screams, running for the familiar forms of her mate and another. “Grandfather, help me!” “Elain, you shouldn’t have to run,” says Helion, lifting the child into his arms. “The little one might get upset.” Her mate kisses her lightly, touching her stomach with the other hand. “As much as I hate it when he’s right, Elain . . .” “Elain!” Lucien’s eyes were wide, very close to her. She was not sitting. She was on her back. On the floor. He was gripping her face. Relief flooded his face as she took a deep breath. He kissed her cheek and her forehead and cradled her closer. “You scared me.” “Both of us,” said Helion. He was several feet away, his hands clasped in front of him. “I don’t like to think what your sisters would do if you were hurt here.” “Shut up,” Lucien snapped. He stroked Elain’s hair gently. Elain tried to sit up, and he supported her cautiously. “Are you all right?” “I- I saw-“ “Later,” Lucien murmured, kissing her cheek again. He pressed his nose down into her neck and breathed deeply. “Would you mind leaving us alone for a little bit?” Elain asked lightly. Helion smiled and inclined his head. He left without another word. Elain pulled away from Lucien, “That was very rude.” Lucien laughed lowly. Elain twisted to see his face just as his laughter became truly hysterical. There was so much pain in his russet eye. Elain shifted so she was sitting beside him and let him rest his head on her shoulder. He laughed for a while long, then began to weep. Elain held him. —:—:—:— Lucien had planned none of it. Still, Helion did not defend his mother. There had been no regret on Helion’s face. Lucien hated Helion as much as he loved his lady mother. Watching him attempt to charm Elain was infuriating on a deeply primal level. Trying to trick her into using her gifts was despicable, as far as Lucien was concerned. Can you See yourself staying here? Lucien had never wanted to hit a male more. At least Helion hadn’t flirted with him. That would’ve unbearable on an entirely different level. The breakdown was the result of two hundred years of practicing the perfect Fuck You speech being wasted. He hadn’t said half of what he meant to. And Elain should never have had to witness that outpouring of bitter anger. Helion had been avoiding Lucien alone since they arrived, and his frustration had boiled over. “Stop,” Elain said. She’d dragged him off to a garden in the middle of Solas. The moon hung low on the horizon, and she was shivering behind him. She wove magical flowers into his hair as she carefully braided it. He could tell they were glowing. Her fingers were quick and gentle, and he tried to focus on that instead of their miserable dinner. “Stop what?” He feigned ignorance. “Stop agonizing about what happened.” “What happened when?” “Lucien.” “I’ve already completely forgotten,” he said dramatically, “You’ll have to explain.” “Lucien,” she tugged on his hair sharply. It surprised him enough to earn her a groan. She gave up chastising him to finish his braid. He could practically feel the heat of her blush. She tapped his shoulder and he passed her the leather band for it. “Stop smirking.” “I’m not,” he lied lowly. “I can hear it in your voice,” Elain complained. “I’m sat on a blanket at night with my beautiful mate in an enchanted garden and she’s embarrassed because I made a sex noise,” Lucien carefully pulled his braided hair over his shoulder. Sure enough, several of the flowers Elain had braided in were glowing silver. “What could I possibly have to smirk about?” “Lucien,” Elain grumbled. She maneuvered around to sit next to him, shivering in her chiton. The style of the Day Court suited her. He pulled her closer to him, wrapping an arm around her shoulders and heating the space above the blanket. She sighed softly and nuzzled closer still. “Elain,” Lucien hummed, kissing her hair. “You’ve said my name an awful lot tonight.” “Lucien,” she said again, turning her head toward his. She kissed his jaw lightly. Blood roared through him. “Lucien.” She kissed his cheek. His arm slid from her shoulder to her waist. “Lucien.” She kissed his lips. He tugged her into his lap carefully. She hummed against him and rested her hands on his chest. He cupped her face with a hand. She sucked his lower lip into her mouth. He groaned and bit her. Elain gasped, pulling away. Lucien cursed and held up a tongue of flame so he could see. “Did I hurt you?” “I- you-“ Elain’s pink face deepened her eyes. The soft brown was nearly entirely enveloped by her pupils. “You’ve never done that before.” The rasp in her voice sent blood racing faster. Lucien touched her lip gently. He hadn’t broken the skin. And judging by her voice, he hadn’t scared her. “Do you want me to do it again?” Lucien asked. Elain watched him for a moment before nodding. Her arousal was intoxicating. He smiled and she kissed him, hungrily, waiting. An idea sparked in his mind that perhaps his mate liked things the same way he did. The next time he bit her, it was on her neck, and he pulled her hair at the same time. She cried out so loudly that he had to cover her mouth with his hand. Her face turned red as he kissed her cheeks and her nose, trying not to laugh. “Maybe we should go somewhere else, Lucien,” she said when he removed his hand. Lucien just chuckled and kissed her again. “Is this why you wanted to be a mountain range apart from Nesta?” Lucien asked. Elain pouted and clambered off him. “I’m teasing, Elain. It’s good. It’s great.” “Oh,” Elain said lightly. She settled beside him again. She picked at the threads of the blanket. “I haven’t ever . . .” “Been pleasured before?” Lucien teased. Elain’s cheek went bright, and she nodded, biting her lip. Lucien tidied her hair carefully and kissed the tip of her ear. “We’ll find someplace where you can be as loud as you want. My ego really needs it.” She pinched his side. He caught her hand and interlaced their fingers. “Somewhere Nesta won’t bother us-“ “Or Feyre,” Elain blew a tuft of hair out of her face. Lucien lifted an eyebrow. “She always says things and I . . .” “I‘ll tell her to close her fat mouth,” Lucien said. Elain gasped as he knew she would, and he smiled and kissed her lightly. “Would you rather I tell her to use it for something else?” “Lucien!” Elain pinched him with her other hand. Lucien laughed. “You’re just as bad!” “Oh?” Lucien lowered his voice and leaned into her ear. “And what should I use my mouth for?” “You are absolutely incorrigible,” Elain whispered. Lucien noted the flash of her teeth before she ducked her head. “You like it,” Lucien said bravely. Elain lifted her head, carefully not smiling. Lucien’s eyes narrowed. “Don’t you?” “With these things, I’m only stumbling around in the dark,” Elain said softly. “And you’re . . . Something to follow.” “You’ve scandalized me before,” Lucien reminded her. “I didn’t think that possible,” Elain hummed. “You told me once that you bathed naked.” “Everyone does that!” “Yes,” Lucien chuckled. “But most people don’t plant the image of themselves wet and naked and-“ “Well, I was trying to seduce you,” Elain pouted. “It didn’t even work.” “You don’t need to seduce me, Elain,” Lucien breathed, kissing her. “I’m all yours.” —:—:—:— “No. . . . Elain isn’t awake yet, this can wait. . . . We are Night Courtiers, remember.” Elain lifted her head from the pillows enough to see that Lucien was no longer beside her. He had kissed her and held her through the night. She’d fallen asleep in the garden and half-woke in her bed. She knew she’d pleaded with him to stay, to touch her. He promised to stay, but he would only touch her when she was fully awake. Elain fell asleep before she could argue the point. There were voices from the next room over. Elain found her dressing gown and padded out, wrapping her arms around herself against the morning chill. The bedroom door had been left cracked open, and she pushed through it carefully. Lucien was talking with Helion. His hair was braided from the night before, though the flowers were gone. His arms were crossed over his chest. He looked none too pleased. She went over and rested her chin on his shoulder, kissing just below his ear. “Good morning, Lady Elain.” She smiled for Helion and breathed in her mate’s scent. “I came to apologize for dinner last night. Are you feeling better?” “You came to apologize but you haven’t,” Elain sighed. Lucien relaxed as she wrapped her arms around his middle. “It’s cold here.” The room instantly warmed. Elain smiled and closed her eyes. “Come back to bed.” “Just a minute, Elain,” Lucien touched her hands. His voice hardened. “Your apology means little to me.” “I cannot simply walk into Autumn,” said Helion. “Come now,” Lucien said. “With what happened between Rhysand and Tamlin-“ “Beron is not Tamlin. Your mother did not want to leave her children, Lucien, because she loves you. I would have happily taken you in, but Beron would have seen it as a threat-“ “Eris is going to take Beron’s head off by the end of the year,” Elain yawned. She slumped further into Lucien. “You’re so warm.” “Pretend you didn’t hear that,” Lucien said hastily. “We’ll join you for lunch, but as you can tell my mate is . . .” “Trying to get you back into bed,” Elain murmured. “You promised.” Lucien cleared his throat. “Enjoy your morning in,” Helion said slyly. His footsteps receded and a door opened and shut. Elain supposed he had gone. “Did you really See that?” Lucien whispered. “Months ago,” Elain nodded into his shoulder. “It shifts, but something happened a few weeks ago that made it solid.” Her visions were that way sometimes. The closer they got to coming true, the more real they seemed. Other times they were just shifting images in a fog, thoughts or words or people she couldn’t recognize. It got muddled often. Then, in all the confusion, there would be a bolt of clarity, something that would without doubt come to pass. Like that little Illyrian nephew of hers, or the child with the brassy hair. Those were certainties, even if they slid along time injudiciously. “Do you really want me to take you to bed?” Lucien murmured after a time. Elain wondered how long they had been standing there, both lost in thought. Something told her it had been long enough for Lucien to pack away what she’d said into different versions for the members of the Inner Circle. Something for Azriel, who wanted Eris dead; something for Cassian, who knew the opportunity presented to them; the truth for her sister and brother-by-law. Elain opened her eyes. Lucien was doing his best to look at her without turning and disturbing her. Elain raised a hand and gripped his hair. “Lucien.” “Yes, Elain?” “I’m all yours.” The first time was sweet and gentle. Lucien coaxed her to climax twice before carefully pushing inside her, rocking into her and kissing her and touching her. She did not bleed, nor did it hurt. It surprised her. When she whispered her fears to Lucien, he kissed her cheeks and told her those were the concerns of women fucked by human men who were inexperienced idiots or plain cruel. The next time he asked her to turn onto her stomach. He kissed her shoulder and pushed into her from behind. Then he went faster, he pulled her hair, he slammed against her. Elain liked that just as much. Lucien was panting and grinning wickedly by the time they were both spent. “I want to make you breakfast,” Elain hummed, drawing circles on his bare chest with her fingers. He stiffened, and she looked up to hold his gaze. Feyre had mentioned what food meant between mates. She kissed Lucien’s shoulder as he opened his mouth, “I know what it means, yes.” “Elain,” Lucien touched her chin, lifting her head to kiss her. “Are you sure?” “Why shouldn’t I be?” Elain murmured. “I’m the one who can See. I know.” “You know what?” Lucien breathed. “I know that our own children are fairer than our nephews,” Elain kissed him before her words could register. “I know that you never stray from me. I know that you teach me what love means, and that I never grow tired of your touch.” “Hang- Hang on,” Lucien frowned. “Our-“ “I know,” Elain said simply. He kissed her again, rolled over top of her carefully. Elain smiled against him. He leaned his forehead against hers and let his hand drift over her. “And what I don’t know, you’ll teach me.” “Damn right,” Lucien growled. —:—:—:— Rhys and Azriel looked less pleased than usual when Elain and Lucien emerged from Helion’s palace. The High Lord of Day was standing beside them with his arms crossed. Lucien nearly cursed aloud, but Elain was laughing and holding his arm and pulling him along before he could dwell on the older Faes’ expressions. She released him and greeted both Rhysand and Azriel with a kiss on the cheek. She bowed slightly to Helion and reached back for Lucien. He took her hand and she hummed slightly. “You look well,” Azriel said quietly. Rhys’s nose twitched. “Thank you,” Elain answered brightly. Lucien knew that she was perfectly aware of the tension in the air, and chose to ignore it. She looked back at him and smiled. He couldn’t help but return it. She glowed for her happiness. Lucien stepped closer and kissed her forehead. “Go home with Az,” he murmured. “I’m about to be chewed out.” “It’s probably best I talk Nesta down when she smells you on me,” Elain whispered. She kissed him before he could smile. Rhys cleared his throat. Elain stepped back and addressed him. “My sister was right about you.” She took Azriel’s arm and the Shadowsinger took her away before Rhys’s jaw could drop. Lucien laughed. She was so very excellent at keeping the last word. He blamed her Seer abilities. “Before either of you start,” Lucien held up a hand. “I don’t care.” “You’ll care when I send you to the Illyrian Camps without Cassian,” Rhys growled. Lucien spread his hands, “I was raised by Beron. You’re lucky I can claim what little manners I have.” “Lucien,” Rhysand snarled. Helion’s mouth tightened. Lucien met his gaze and felt fire spring to life in his blood. Helion’s brow dropped. Lucien felt his power searching, tried to fend it off with some of his own. Something happened that had never happened to Lucien before. Instead of fending off Helion’s attack, Lucien’s power intwined with the High Lord’s. Surprised flickered in both males’ eyes and they hauled back their power at the same time. Lucien’s heart pounded loud enough for them to hear it on the continent. His muscles tensed as he clenched his jaw. Helion kept his face carefully neutral. “Let’s go,” Lucien said, moving closer to Rhysand. “We’re not done-“ “Let him be a petulant child,” Helion waved a hand and stalked inside. “It’s not my problem.” Lucien heard the doubt. Rhysand glared at him for a moment before gripping his shoulder and winnowing them home. They landed on the roof where Cassian had broken Lucien’s leg. Lucien fell into one of the iron wrought chairs, holding his head in his hands. Rhysand started to head inside. “Is that why you sent me?” Rhysand was not fool enough to fein innocence. “Partially.” Lucien cursed violently. “Will you ever stop meddling in everyone else’s lives?” “That’s not-“ “I guess you wouldn’t,” Lucien looked over his shoulder. “Too much fun to watch everyone fall apart and have them owe you for piecing them back together.” Rhysand’s jaw ticked. Lucien raised his eyebrows. Cassian thundered up the stairs and burst onto the roof. “You’re back.” “You’re standing again,” Lucien said tersely. Cassian looked between him and his High Lord. Lucien raised his eyebrows. “Where is Elain?” “Asking where you are.” “I asked where she is, not what she’s doing,” Lucien snapped. “Oh-kay, the trip to Day did not go well I see,” Cassian held up his hands. “I’ll go find-“ “You filthy-“ Cassian caught his mate as she flew out of the house, her claws reaching for Lucien. He could’ve sworn he felt them rake down his face. Nesta hissed and thrashed like a wild beast. “Nesta!” Feyre shouted from down the steps. “Never a dull moment,” Rhysand quipped, heading inside. Lucien followed carefully, wary of the way Nesta had stilled against Cassian. He held her hands against her chest. She hissed again as he passed. Lucien stuck out his tongue. He wasn’t sure why. Not to antagonize her, surely, but to prove he would not take her abuse lying down. He could’ve mentioned the way Elain moaned for him, the way she begged for him. He could’ve said nothing. The half-rude, half-childish gesture was a sort of middle ground. He took the stairs faster than Rhysand, who paused to greet his own mate. “He’s more scared of your sister than of me.” “Only one of you stole from the Cauldron,” Lucien called over his shoulder. A bit of Feyre’s ice nipped at his fingers. He banished it with matching flames. To her, and Rhysand, he rudely gestured. Elain was at the bottom of the stairs, her hands on her hips, pouting. He stopped one step from the floor, blinking innocently at her, tucking his hands behind his back. She looked up at him through her lashes. He dropped that last step and kissed her. One day, she would be his High Lady. The look in her eyes confirmed it. “It gets better,” she promised, touching his cheek. “What does?” “Everything.”

[meetmeatmidnightsblog]

Why she disappeared ( part 3 )

Today was the day of Taylors materinity announcement photoshot. She got up before Joe, got ready. She picked out her favorite pastel pink dress that hugged all of the right curves, her baby bump in all of the right areas. She picked out a few more dresses to change into. She combed out the curly rats nests in her blonde hair, as it waves in 50 different directions no matter how she tried to flatten it. She got a text from tree with more details. The photographer was going to meet them at the house. She was going to have the shoot set up in the backyard. She picked out two tiny pink shoes to do the reveal, along with the very first ultrasound picture. She still couldnt believe that in a few short hours the entire world will be meeting there newest addition to there growing family. She decided on adding her cats in the shoot but only if they behave. Joe woke up a few minutes later, rubbed his tired eyes. He rolled over and saw his girlfriend who looked radiant in that dress. He crawled out of the covers, puts his favorite pair of slippers on, walks over to her, kisses her neck and shoulders. She closes her eyes, already feeling turned on by the slightest of touches. She needed to focus and not be late for this photoshoot. "Babe, you need to get ready." "Can we delay it for five more minutes,drag you back into that bed with me instead." She was tempted to have a quick makeout session before hand, but there wont be enough time. She didnt want to feel rushed or pressured. Though her hormones were driving her insane. She rubbed her belly, ignored his attempts. "Babe, the photographer will be bere in less then two hours, get ready." "Oh alright, I better get ready. Is there any chance you want to join me in the shower?." Taylor laughed as she rolled her eyes at him, points him directly to the bathroom. She went downstairs and made a pot of cofee, eggs, baccon, for breakfast. She ate like a horse to keep this baby girl of hers satified. She was trying to hide her nerves the closer the time got. Joe joined her in the kitchen, wraps his arms around her neck. "Whats wrong love?. you seem tense." "I dont know if I want to do this. I mean we have kept this pregancy a secret for almost 5 months. Im scared." Joe rubs her shoulders, she tensed up almost every musscel in her body. She stepped away from the media scene. She did not miss the rummors, or speckulations, or choas that surrounded her. She was going to bring this baby of theres into this world, before she is born. she flips the baccon, eggs over before they burned. "I can always call tree, cancle it if your not ready to do this." "No dont do that, he went through a lot of trouble for us. Besides I owe my fans this. I promised them that they would be the first to know." "Just relax, focus on all the fun youll have. I hear that this photographer is amazing." Taylor was not sure if this photographer will know what to expect until they walk through the door, stare at her big belly. She needed to trust joes words, relax and just have fun. She couldnt wait to post this on her instagram and share the news with her fans. After breakfast, The photographer showed up. The woman set up in the backyard, talked momentarly with the mom to be. She did Justin Timberlake and his wife Jeessica Beils birth announcements. That made her feel more comfortable. The woman was excited that her publicist told her that this shoot was with Taylor swift. She was a huge fan of the popstar. She kept things very professional. The singer was kind, gnetal and very hospitable. She was glowing in her pregancy, it was pretty obvious. "Miss Swift are you ready to get started?." "Yes, I am. Sorry I took so long, I was scared to do this." "Its okay, A lot of first time mothers get scared. Just relax and have fun." Thats exactly what joe told her to do. Its like this photographer can read her mind. She took off her coat, sat on the pavement with her legs crossed together, smiled. She leans up against the fence, tucked her long blonde hair across her shoulders, as the wind blew. After the first half of the photoshoot, Joe joined Taylor, did a couple of cute pictures of just the two of them. He wrapped his hands ontop of her belly and held the soft pink shoes, ultrasound. He enjoyed doing his with his girlfriend. They were a natural at it. They took over 50 pictures. they could pick out which ones they liked most. Taylor liked the one of them kissing, he liked the one where she is holding her cats, She agreed that one should be added to the hallway. Her favorite one was the one where He held the pink shoes ontop of her belly as they snuggled into each others necks. They picked out a few more to give out to there friends and families. He wanted to mail some to his parents. They could not be here to see this. She even did a sit down interview, talked about her music, and her pregnacy. How they managed to keep it a secret for almost 5 months. *** No ones point of view. "So Taylor, how are you feel so far?." "I am getting better, but the morning sickness likes to ruin my day and kick me down for several hours. I have a lovely boyfriend who has been here for me through this whole thing." "Why did you and Joe decied on keep this a secret?." "We were not trying to keep it a secret from everyone else, It was a choice that we made so I can just focus on the pregancy, avoid getting stressed out from fake stories, hatred that can have negative effects on my confidance. I wanted to thank the fans who have been so paitent and loyal to me all these years. I promise them that there will be new music coming after my daughter is born." "When are you due?." "Decemeber 13, Ironic right?. considering that is my lucky number, I am praying that I dont go into labor on my birthday." She giggled like a little school girl. "How do you plan on balancing your carrer and motherhood?." "Im not exactly sure on how I will handle both, but there is a balance to everything that all natural mothers have. I am sure that I can juggle this and my carrer. I have my families support and my manangers, my boyfriends love and passion for me to succeed in anything that I choose to do. I want to show my daughter that she can do anything your heart desires to achive." "Do you and Joe plan on getting married before your daughter is born?." "I dont plan on answering that question, but yes we have talked about getting married down the road." "Im so sorry, I should have asked before my filter interupts our interview with all of these personal questions." "Its okay, you are just doing your job." "Thank you Miss swift, thats very sweet." "No problem." **** Taylor was proped up on her bed as a white-fluffy cat sat beside her, as Oliva purrs happily. She watched curiously while the singer goes through the number of photos on her laptop. How can people narrow this down?. She has like over 50 to pick from. You may as well be deciding on which one was your favorite. Joe came into the room, with a tray of his girlfriends favorite foods. He did not want to interupt her creative process. She needed to eat. The smell of food got her attention. "How are things going in here?." "I can decied on which pictures to use." He climbed on the bed, snuggles besides her and Oliva. He scrolls through the file, points to the one where he is holding the two pink shoes. She liked that one as well. Taylor uploads the picture on her twitter, instagram, and tumblr. She captions it "I am so sorry I have dropped off the map. I wanted to let my fans know that there is a new addition on the way. Joe and i are expecting our first baby girl together on Decemember 13th. I cant wait to go on this amazing journey with you guys." XOXO Taylor. She copied and past the note and shared it on her instagram and tumblr accounts.

[firstpuffin]

The Legend of Zelda: Link’s Awakening remake

-Note: It’s kind of embarrassing to admit but my comments around the visuals of A Link to the Past and Link’s Awakening are straight-up incorrect. The two games did not share the same visual style and I honestly don’t know why I said that; I most definitely knew better. Still, I’m not going to get rid of it because the internet needs more examples of people admitting to be being wrong.

I say a lot that I want to be positive, but it’s really gonna be hard with this one. See, at the latest Nintendo Direct it was announced that they would be releasing a remake of the 26 year old game, The Legend of Zelda: Link’s Awakening. As it happens I was already considering writing something about this game in a “Games from my Childhood” article, but that would actually have been positive! This one is… well, I’m going to at least try and balance every negative with a positive.

-at least the title screen looks good-

  So where to begin: I won’t cover the story because spoilers but how about some personal background? The game came out a year before I did (ha! bad jokes) and I have no idea when I got my grubby little paws on it, but it was a part of my life genuinely for as long as I can remember, along with the Pokémon games. I never completed it as a child, but my memories of it were so good that I returned to it as an adult and completed it, learning its sad secret.

-hey! according to this it released the same year I did; me getting my years mixed up I guess-

  Link’s Awakening (LA) was originally a pet project made outside of work hours which is why it borrows resources from other games such as the Mario series, but it was eventually released to critical acclaim. The gameplay is much the same as its immediate predecessor A Link to the Past (LttP), but with a number of new items and a unique soundtrack. Visually it is much the same as well, although its original release was black and white for the GameBoy with Link’s Awakening DX adding colour for the GameBoy Colour.

  So let’s start with the visuals as that is most of what we have right now: the original shared its visuals with LttP what with them using the same assets (tools, resources etc) and LttP had a sequel recently that looked really nice. But the upcoming LA remake looks nothing like it; I wouldn’t expect it to but when a defence of the artistic choice is that “it’s an update of the original graphics” (so why not use the assets from the LttP remake?) or that it somehow “reflects the atmosphere of the original” except there’s no reason for it to be any different to, again, the LttP remake. And in response to the “atmosphere”, LA was one of the darker yet in some ways more whimsical games; this new style is childish to the extreme.

  Don’t get me wrong, I love something that is good and childish, but there is a level when it stops being great and starts to feel like they condescend to the player. Bright colours, simple faces, high pitched noises- Oh god the noises!! I’ll expand on the sounds later but I’m still on the visuals. I’ve heard the game described as looking like Claymation, which isn’t wrong, but my immediate thought was that it looked like cheap plastic. And after watching it again and again as I discussed it with a friend, this opinion stuck.

-tell me this doesn’t look like claymation; this isn’t a game, it’s an animated short film-

  You know how shiny and tacky cheap plastic usually looks? Imagine an entire game like that; an entire world like that. Fans of anime may understand what I say next, but there is a large element of “chibi” in this new game. Large head, tiny body. It’s often seen in short 4 minute spin offs of popular series.

-as you can see, chibi is hardly meant to be taken seriously-

-just to hammer things home-

  So shiny plastic, silly chibi art with a soulless expression. Oh yeah, that. Link’s eyes have zero soul behind them. Zero. He’s a freakin’ monster. Have you seen those Funko Pops? You know how empty they look? Some have said it somehow reflects the original game’s art again, but back then they didn’t have the technology to make him look soulless and young me always thought he looked determined; it was really cool.

-determined; dead inside-

Okay, so I said I would try and be fair, and I have shat upon the plasticine toy-box long enough, so here’s what is good visually. The areas are actually really nice. 

Ignoring the nail varnish sheen on everything, things are really detailed. There is an unfortunate trend in games, likely due to technical limitations, to have flat textures. Basically, imagine the difference between a tile or wood panel floor, and a picture of a tile or wood panel floor. But this game looks to have really tried in these areas. The grass looks thick and lush, tiles look like more than a photograph on the floor and even the flat flowers on the ground look decent. Just a shame it all looks like LEGO. Actually, a LEGO Zelda game would be awesome. But this is not that.

  I haven’t explained that very well, it’s an area that I am new at but I will say that clearly a lot of care has gone into the assets and the world. It is not a lazy game in any way.

-don’t tell me those trees and rocks and- well, everything, don’t look like LEGO-

Next I’m going to talk about the sound. First of all, I’m convinced that they have artificially increased the pitch of Link’s voice so it is painfully sharp to the ears. I’ll admit, I have an unusual sensitivity to lights and sound and thus I prefer darker colours and quieter sounds; I avoid clubs like the plague and not just because I’ll likely catch it there. So maybe, just maybe, I’m noticing something that won’t be a problem for most, and is just unfortunate for me. And let’s ignore that it doesn’t match the darker tone of the game.

  And the music? Also quite high pitched. And super cheery. It doesn’t have either the dreamlike or dark tones that could be expected (and just thinking of how it could be dreamlike gives me shivers; it could be so good) but is instead inanely cheery. In fact, I hope they sped everything up for the trailer and the pitch is just an unfortunate side-effect.

  On the plus side, the trailer opens with a cool cinematic and I swear the music changes from a nice, cheerful rendition (I don’t dislike cheerful in-and-of-itself) of the Zelda main theme to the death squeals of various instruments that I mentioned before. On top of that, it ends on a really nice vocal version of the LA theme, Ballad of the Wind Fish. If the trailer had been the cinematic and that closing song alone then I would be beyond excited about the remake. Thank heaven it wasn’t, I’m not sure my love of the series could survive such a plummeting disappointment.

-and here’s the actual trailer for your perusal- 

So I’ll finish here. I was originally very pleased, excited even that they had decided to remake what was a favourite, underrated and apparently forgotten game, but I kept my expectations low because I knew what to expect from these companies. I thought I did anyway. I was still disappointed. I thought I had prepared for the worst. Still, at least it gave me something to write about.

  But, the game has clearly had a lot of work put into it and gameplay-wise it actually looks to flow really well so I’m sure it controls like a treat. But the visuals and music are too big of a deal for me to let slide; if it keeps up like this then it could literally be painful for me to play. Still, games do change a lot from the initial trailer to its release and I even put forth an idea of why the sound may hurt me so much here. Maybe the final game will be a lot better. Unfortunately, the things I want to be done in games and such rarely are, and I am often alone in my complaints.

And finally, yes I am aware that the famous and incredibly popular Wind Waker entry in the series also had similar complaints and became, as I said, incredibly popular. I wasn’t a part of that crowd, I was too young and honestly, Link’s Awakening was the only Zelda game I had actually played at that time. 

[lovepropaganda]

id been noticing that id been getting random waves of nausea throughout the day, like something just wanting to violently expel itself from my throat. im a huge emetophobe so it was mostly me retching and trying to avoid actually vomiting and it was something that only started happening recently. i wasnt thinking too deeply about it until i remembered that im Mexican TM and that perhaps what i was exhibiting were signs of mal de ojo and that i was in need of an egg limpia to get rid of it. its been years since ive gotten one since my mom has become more hardcore catholic and discarding her indigenous knowledge of medicine and healing which is disgusting bc colonization and infuriating to think about but i digress. i decided to do one myself about a week ago. i know egg limpias are common but idk how common this next part is but my mother has always used rubbing alcohol to rub onto the egg to prepare it for the limpia. either plain rubbing alcohol or some that she would infuse herself with dried rosemary or even some sprays of perfume.

i decided to do perfume since i couldnt locate any rubbing alcohol and rubbed the egg all over with a focus on my throat, chest, and head and then cracked it into a glass of water to see if i could interpret it. i even took a picture to later analyze which was an excellent move on my part because it was only later that i noticed that there were some bubbles near the surface (def negative charge aimed my way and indicative of mal de ojo) and some other things i noticed that i wasnt sure how to interpret but i didnt like at all. such as the fact that there was a red spot in the yolk which is definitely NOT good at all and some long spike that could signify envy but idk. i also didn’t like the way the egg immediately sank to the bottom with the yolk preserving its perfect round shape because the white of the egg surounded it like a membrane. i recently became familiar with the concept of putting red pepper flakes over the water before discarding to return the bad energy to sender so thats exactly what i ended up doing before flushing it down the toilet. i believe it also helps to contain whats been absorbed since my mother was never interested in interpreting the limpias and would simpy put the egg in a plastic bag afterwards and throw it outside to break it and release the bad energy since she claimed it could seep back inside.

i know some people might say its a placebo effect but this is something from Mexican indigenous beliefs and part of my culture so @ anyone reading this that might be leery, please respect that and keep the negative comments to yourself if you have any thanks. i think the limpia helped because im no longer randomly retching throughout the day but my biggest indicator to me that it was mal de ojo was the fact that right after my limpia, i immediately started retching before i even cracked the egg into the water. idk whether itll return to sender but if it does, its out of my hands since i didnt intentionally send the energy to specific targets but yeah, i am def a believer of how negative feelings/energy having an effect on the physical body and that it can cause harm when its intense enough also if anyone on here knows how to interpret egg limpias or knows someone who knows how to HMU so i can send the picture of my limpia for interpretation.

[kpopisthereasonihavenolife]

Who’s Crushing on the New Manager? [4]

Monsta X

Yoo Kihyun/Reader [F]

Words: 3.6k

Genre: Fluff

Others: Intro / Shownu / Wonho / Minhyuk / Kihyun / Hyungwon / Jooheon / IM

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“I’m Y/N, I’ll be in your care.”

Her voice was just as soft and warm as her smile.  It didn’t take much, but those few seconds.  He already knew that that soft fluttering in his stomach was none other than a small crush, ready to blossom into so much more.

Kihyun shamelessly stared at you as you spoke a bit more to the official standing next to you.  He watched as you spoke with your hands, waving them about and how you shifted on your feet when your got uncomfortable with a certain position.  Even how the fallen strands of your long locks you didn’t catch into your hair tie clung your neck.  

You exchanged a few words with the official before he took his leave and you looked to Kihyun.  You were met with his arms crossed over his chest as you, slouching a tad to the left, supporting his uneven weight on his leg.  The smirk on his face complimented his eyes, but you were left in a state of confusion before he just took in a breath and huffed.

“Well, I oughta show you the way to the rest of the group, yeah?” You offered him your own friendly smile, excited to be working with them.  You had heard good things about them, but you were a bit nervous.

“Please do.  I just hope I can keep up with all your energy.” He turned and nodded his head in the direction you would be heading in.

“I think you’ll be just fine.  Don’t worry about it.  They’re all pretty obedient when a pretty lady asks them to behave.” You rolled your eyes playful at him.

“What about a manager who isn’t the prettiest girl out here, huh?  Will They still listen to her?”  Kihyun exaggerated and looked around, even above your head as he squinted.  

“Manager?  Not pretty?  Hmm, I don’t think I can see one.”  You just scoffed at his little play and just continued on the way to the boys.  He didn’t tell you about them, or what they were doing in the studio today, but he had a feeling things were probably a little less than mature at the current moment.  He didn’t wait in opening the door before Jooheon burst through the doorway, immediately grabbing you- the closest person to him- and hiding behind you by instinct.  

Kihyun jumped and huffed as he peered around the corner and peeked inside to see what else was going on.  The noise was enough indication that it was something like he originally predicted.  

Chankyun was in a corner, just screaming?  For no reason? Minhyuk was running around, chasing Jooheon for God knows why, which resulted in where he was now.  Hyungwon was sitting on the couch, seemingly normal, until you notice the lump that is under his rear was most definitely not the couch, but Wonho’s back.  The younger boy pushing the older into the cushions. Shownu himself looking glum as rested his head on the table; seemingly done with his team of children he had no control over at the moment.

Kihyun let out another huff as he looked back at you.  Jooheon had his hands on each of your shoulders, hiding behind you and using you to shield himself from Minhyuk who had rushed out the door and noticed him behind you.  He glared at the two and how they weren’t noticing the way your eyes blew open with confusion. Along with the dizziness beginning to cloud them with Jooheon moving you too and fro so rapidly to avoid Minhyuk.  

He was going to step in, maybe hit Minhyuk on the back of the head, but you acted quicker.  Minhyuk had lunged for your side, rather for Jooheon’s side, but you just grabbed Jooheon’s arm and whipped him around the opposite direction of Minhyuk, and watched as Minhyuk fell on the ground, no force to stop him.  Then you proceeded to bend down, grab his ear and, with his squeaks and whines, force him back into the room.  

Jooheon had stepped away from you, backing up towards Kihyun, afraid of what might happen should he do anything as the sound in the room turned to silence;  other than Minhyuk’s squawks from the hold you had on his ear that is. You looked around and huffed, placing your free hand on your hips.

“Someone wanna come and take their child back before he loses his ear?” Shownu jumped up and grabbed his arm, pulling him away from you as the man pouted and rubbed his red ear.  You clapped your hands together and motioned to the boys still in the hall inside.  Jooheon tiptoed inside still a bit scared, but relaxed after a soft smile from you.  Kihyun just kept biting back his smirk he could feel in his cheeks.

The others came and joined the group as Changkyun hung on Shownu’s opposite shoulder and looked at Minhyuk, still pouting.  He smiled and whistled in an impressive tone before looking at you.  

“I’m surprised you managed to rope him in.  He’s a rowdy one.”  You put a proud smile on your face, crossing your arms under your chest.  

“I have to be able to do this much at least, or else I can’t really call myself your manager now can I?” Changkyun erupted into a fit of laughter now as Shownu slightly pushed at the back of Minhyuk’s head, telling him he should at least apologize.  Jooheon felt like he should too, seeing as he decided to use the closest person as a shield, that person being you, without permission or forewarning. But you denied the action.

“No, no, it’s fine.  It’s nice to be able to test my skills and reflexes.  It’ll make certain that I’m not getting rusty.”  You jolted slightly as you felt a sudden hand on your head.  You looked up before you looked at your side, seeing Kihyun rub your head.  Peering at you.

“See?  I told you, you’ll be just fine.”  You shrugged.  And so, the life of your manager days begun.

----------------------------------------

It hadn’t been more than 4 months when you had suddenly started avoiding Kihyun.  Avoiding him was difficult and he found it amusing at first.  Watching you become startled when he entered the same room as you, or if it was just him and you, you’d make some rushed excuse to leave.  He’d watch you fumble with your things in your hands or stumble with your quick strides to leave in a pace that was sped up, but hopefully not too obvious to the naked eye.

But, as time ran on, you kept up with your little avoidance game.  And like your quicken strides, his patience with you, along with his once present entertainment, was running thin.  He was quickly becoming annoyed.  His negative attitudes became apparent to the others when he would come back to the dorms and unceremoniously flop onto the couch, or waltz to his room to have an angry mumble session.  

He didn’t exactly hide the shameless stares and little actions towards you, and probably anyone who knew you two could tell he likes you.  But, even if you caught his gazes or noticed his small actions, you seemed to brush it off as his personality.  He wasn’t like Minhyuk and able to show his full affection towards someone, but he wasn’t like Shownu who was reserved and only acted om such deep feelings when pushed into a corner.  

He was comfortable with giving you small hints, but those hints could be played off in a way that didn’t seem serious.  He wasn’t some playboy who only wants you for your body, or only looks at your for your face and how its perfection shines through, with or without makeup.  He wanted you; the whole package.  

Your body, no matter how it may change in time, your skin with or without acne or the stretch marks you use to complain to him about.  Your personality, your witty jokes, your ability to flawlessly pull out your cute side and commit genocide from your adorable side.  He wanted you.  

His actions may seem immature and non-serious to any unfamiliar bystander, but his members and himself knew just how serious about you he was.  

So, not only was he annoyed at your avoidance game, but he was slowly becoming more and more confused and hurt by it.  He didn’t want you to hate him or avoid him anymore.  It would literally make him sick if you told him you didn’t like him.  He’d stop staring if you wanted him to, he’d stop touching your hands or rubbing your arms or slinging his arm over your shoulders when you visited the dorms.  He’d stop, if only you told him you didn’t like it.  He didn’t want to push you away, but all he seems to be doing is just that.  

He had left the dorm one night, not being able to sleep.  He had to go for a walk to clear his head, his negative thoughts eating him alive.  You’d be with them on set tomorrow for a photoshoot, so you’d be with them and encouraging them and looking over photos with them.  So maybe, he could talk to you tomorrow.  

He grabbed a jacket and put it over his white shirt and with his sweats and sneakers, he was out. Mask over his nose and mouth kept the nighttime particles of fine-dust out of his system, for the most part, and he had stopped for a coffee.  Caffeine may not be wise when you need sleep, but whatever.  It still wasn’t too late, only 10, and the effects would wear off soon enough.  

Somehow though, something happened that he didn’t expect.  He was leaning against a random wall on some empty street, just browsing around with his eyes as he sipped at his coffee, mask moved to hang on his right ear.  He watched as the dim lights from the parking garage across the street from him would flicker with poor battery usage of the area and then watched the lights from the windows of the apartment building, the garage belonged to, turn off and on.  

He watched as a car came down the road, slowed and turned into the garage, but he managed to catch a glimpse of the driver thanks to the street light and without taking a moment to think about it, followed the car with his eyes as he crossed the street and followed it in.  He watched the car park and went to the passenger side of the car before he peered inside.  

This may be a bit odd, creepy to some random bypasser, but you were in the driver’s seat.  You were rummaging around in your purse before you got out of your car and started moving to the passenger side.  Kihyun ducked his small body and moved to the right where he hid behind the other side of the car, out of view.  You had opened the door and got in, looking for something under the seat. 

Kihyun acted on impulse.  He had quickly stood up, while your head was down, and opened the unlocked drivers side door and got it.  You didn’t notice the dip in the car from your own movement and nearly had a heart attack when you heard the drivers side door shut.  You knew you shut the door, so why did it just shut again?  

Looking up, ready to be met with some masked killer or something, you still jumped and nearly threw your clutch bag at the face of Kihyun, casually putting his half drank coffee in your cup holder.  You huffed out, annoyed and forgetting the fact that you had been avoiding him, just to chew him out.  

“Yoo Kihyun!  What the hell, you nearly gave me a heart attack! Why are you in my car? Where did you even come from?”  He only rolled his eyes and reached across you, pushing you back into the seat and shut your door, pushing the lock down into the door where it couldn’t be pulled back up.  He had briefly remembered you tell him about how the lock function on your passenger side door was screwed up, so he’d use that to his advantage.  

He moved back to sit in the driver’s seat and press the lock to make sure all other doors and even the windows were locked.  You weren’t going anywhere without giving him answers. He finally looked back up at you, watching as your glare was an impatient and annoyed one.  It was strange to feel relief in a gaze that was directed negatively at him.

“We seriously need to talk.”  With the sound of his voice resonating in the small space of the car, you finally realized your predicament.  You were trapped, and with no way out because of your shitty car not being able to function like a car should. You were just happy he didn’t reach over and put your seat belt on too.  You turned your head around so you didn’t look at him, effectively avoiding the glare he pierced into the back of your head.

“Y/N.”  You didn’t even turn around at the lack of honorifics, much less the higher power tone he used when he was angry.  You just shuddered, not wanting to be in this situation and swallowed the lump in your throat that’s been there for months now.

“Kihyun.”  You fought back, gaze still averted.

“We need to talk.”  You shook your head.  

“No. No we don’t.” You raised your finger at him, still not looking. “Besides, you have a photoshoot tomorrow.  You should be at the dorm. Sleeping.” He clicked his tongue as you felt the car jerk.  Next thing you knew, your chin had been grasped and you were being forced to look at Kihyun.  He was leaned over the middle compartment between the passenger and driver seat, his knee in his seat for leverage and his other free hand on the door to your side for balance.  

“Why the hell are you acting like I’m enemy #1?  Seriously, I haven’t properly talked to you in weeks and tonight is the most you’ve said to me lately.  What did I even do?”  You didn’t know how to answer.  He didn’t know what he did, it was obvious because you wouldn’t tell him.  

You wouldn’t tell him how his stares and actions affected you, but not in a bad way.  They’d make you flush, become embarrassed, flustered- you felt like a highschool girl even though you had graduated long ago.  You had always thought that being his manager, Kihyun wasn’t an option for you romantically speaking.  Even if you weren’t working with him, as a stand alone woman, you always thought he was way out of your league.  You’d be lucky to spare a glance at him on the streets as a normal woman.

Kihyun felt as your face warmed in his palm and your cheeks flushed.  Your mouth hung open just a bit as you breathed and your eyes were rapidly moving to and fro, wider than they would normally be if they were relaxed.  Now he had a suspicion.  Could you possibly…?

“Y/N, I need to ask you something.”  You just blinked. “For that I need you to look at me.”  You hesitantly moved your eyes to look at him, but felt like if you held it for too long, you’d burst into tears.  He was beautiful to look at, too beautiful, and you hadn’t properly looked at him for so long. With this situation, it was all so frustrating.  

What's the point of having a heart to keep you alive if all it does is thud unevenly, in constant, random patterns, when you look at one man?  Like, it felt like you were going to die, but no, you were just overwhelmed by the emotions that that stupid organ pumped into your brain.

“Do you like me?”  Your eyes blew wide and you jerked back instinctively.  Your head hit the plastic frame of your window with enough power to make the car waddle.  You winced as Kihyun gasped at the sound and you cradled your head.  He jumped out of the car, unlocking the doors first, and ran to your side and opened your door, catching your body that fell out of it backwards.  Your legs hung in the seat as your back was against his chest, he himself kneeling on the concrete ground of the parking garage.  

“Are you okay?!”  You just nodded, still wincing. Kihyun reached into the car and grabbed your clutch before lifting you out of the car and to your feet, using him as a crutch of sorts.  He had known your floor and room number so with the travel to the elevator to your living room, he just looked at you as you would rub at your head.  

As you sat on your couch, the pain had dulled to an annoying pain and you knew it would be gone in a while, but the headache you’d probably wake up with would be annoying.  You felt the cushion beside you dip as the sudden feeling of coldness was pressed on the back of your head.  You jumped slightly, looking to see Kihyun, hands up in defense.

“Sorry!  I have ice,” he showed the small ice pack wrapped in a thin towel to you. “See?  It’ll help.”  You just nodded at him as he put it back on your head. You sighed after a moment, both in content and at the fact you finally were convincing yourself to give Kihyun answers.  Maybe it was your scrambled head that pushed you to it, who knows.  

“You really want to know?” He furrowed his brow at your sudden question, but after some thought he knew you were asking about his question from earlier, before you decided to hit your head.  He nodded, but noticed your closed eyes.

“Yeah, I do.”  He took in a breath quickly before adding on. “Look, I’m sorry if you don’t like me staring at you, or touching you or whatever.  I didn’t mean to hurt your feelings or make you dislike me, but I couldn’t even apologize before. You wouldn’t even stay in the same room as me for more than a few seconds.” He watched you sigh.  

“Sorry, I was just acting immature.” You reached up and took the ice pack from him and held it yourself.  He retracted his hand and looked at you, sitting sideways on the couch, one leg folded on the cushions the other hanging and touching the ground.  “I didn't know how to act around you because of how I felt.  Sorry if you thought I hated you, I don’t.”  You snickered at yourself, “I really don’t.”  

“So… you really do like me?”  You scoffed again at yourself.

“Oh, do I.  It’s pretty ridiculous if you ask me, I think I like you too much.”

“So, if I asked you to be my girlfriend, you’d say yes?”  You looked at him, your eyes narrowing a bit. If this was his version of teasing, you would hit his head with enough force he’d need the ice pack.

“Kihyun-”

“I’m serious.  I promise.”  His tone was one of complete truth, he really was serious and he wasn’t lying to you.  “I really, really like you Y/N.  I have for months and I though you hated me.  God, why did you send so many mixed signals?!”  You saw his cheeks warm and you smiled a bit at him.  He hadn’t seen you smiled at him in so long.  He held out his hand and you looked at it.  “Gimme the ice pack.”  You hesitantly did so as he grabbed it then told you to turn around.  

“Uh, why?”

“Just trust me, okay?”  You did as he said, still skeptical and turned your back to him.  You felt him move a bit before the cold of your head was replaced by something soft and warm.  Before you could question what he had just done, you felt yourself being pulled backwards to lay down.  Kihyun lay on his back on the couch, you on his chest as he put the ice pack under your head and on his chest to use as a cooling pillow.  His arms locked you in place, finding their place around your waist, and his legs were propped up on either side of yours, you being between his.

“Uh, Kihyun?” Your voice was quiet, any louder and it’d crack.  

“Hmm?”  He hummed at you, and you felt it vibrate through your back.  

“What are you doing?”

“Isn’t it obvious?”

“No, not really.”  It was silent afterwards, but you soon found yourself starting to doze off.  Kihyun was rubbing his thumb over your sides and your stomach and the warmth coming from him lulled you to sleep.  

“You never answered my question.”  You’re sleepy mind only managed a hum back to him.  “If I asked you to be my girlfriend, would you say yes?” Your tired mindset was your most honest and before you fell quietly asleep you only hummed in a higher tone and nodded to him.  He felt your body relax as he smiled and held you closer to him.  

He’d sleep here on the couch with you tonight, even if the members would blow up his phone in the morning or if he work up with a sore back, it would all be worth it for the first night sleeping with the love of his life in his arms.

[surveysonfleek]

907.

Is popularity a social disease? if it matters that much to you, then yes, it’s a social disease. Would you want to be a hippie? not really. i respect the lifestyle and culture, i’m just not into it. In college, were you ever given exams with extremely broad and deep questions such as, ‘Why?’ or 'What is truth?’ it wasn’t a ‘what is the truth?’ type situation, it was more about what our opinion on the topic was. Have you knowingly destroyed an endangered plant or animal? nope. Did your parents bronze your first pair of baby shoes? i don’t think so... i’d know if it still existed if they did.

Do you check for a train when crossing tracks in your car even though the arms aren’t down? there aren’t many train crossings in my city tbh. i’ve never actually crossed one after all these years of driving. Is there gossip going around about you right now? i don’t think so. i live a pretty drama free life these days. How many comic strips do you read daily: none. If you were hiding from a burglar, would you hide in the closet or under the bed? under the bed i think. What do you most commonly use milk for: drinking or cooking? cooking. Who should provide the condoms in a relationship: the man or the woman? both should be responsible but the man should definitely always have some. imagine being the woman and always having to provide that? Are you ever afraid that people hate you and they’re just acting like they don’t? haha it’s definitely happened before. When you’re crossing the street with other people, do you ever feel a need to get to the other side first? nope. i just walk in the clearest path possible. Should people be able to go to college without a high school diploma if they score high enough on entrance tests? i mean, i think so. everyone has a right to an education. i don’t think entrance tests would be that easy either. Would you be embarrassed if people could hear you talking to your pets? haha no. If elephants were bred to a smaller size and sold as house pets, would you want one? it’d be a cool idea but probably not. Do you refer to people as 'dude’? no. Do you remember the last time you wrote a 'snail mail’ letter? haha nope. i’m assuming it would’ve been a greeting card though. Do you think beards/mustaches make men look older than they actually are? not particularly. Are you usually the one to initiate sex with your significant other? my boyfriend and i are pretty equal in this situation. When you’re having trouble burping when you feel like you need to, does patting yourself on the chest seem to help? haha no. i just do it. Do you have your wallet with you right now? yes. If it ever came down to a final battle between good and evil and you knew that evil was going to win, who would you fight for? i’d stay away as far from this battle as possible. i hate getting involved in conflict. Do you feel guilty when you borrow money from your parents? haha yes. Do you constantly have times where you have no money and then earn a lot of money and you don’t know what to do with it? no. my money always goes to bills etc. Do you always see yourself as the protagonist in the story of your life? of course. it’s my life. Can you drive by a car accident without staring? yes. i’ll have a quick glance but this shit causes soooo much traffic, even on the lanes going the opposite way. it drives me nuts. Do you find it a challenge to congratulate your opponent who just beat you in a game or competition? haha yes. Do you think that no matter how cold or heartless someone seems there is always at least one thing in the world that they love? yes, definitely. im sure 99.9% of people have a soft spot for something/someone. Who is worse: Someone who doesn’t repay a loan or someone that steals your CDs? someone who doesn’t repay a loan because i don’t own any cds haha. Why do you think so many homosexual men still go without condoms: because they don’t know of the dangers, or because they don’t care? both tbh. When you think about morality, do you think more in terms of good/bad people, or good/bad actions? actions. Which of these female comedians is funnier: Ellen Degeneres or Margaret Cho? i haven’t seen much of magaret cho’s stuff so i’ll just say ellen. Are you scared of dying alone? yes. dying in general. Are you most comfortable being treated by a doctor of the same sex as you? of course. Do you take daily walks? nope. i mean i walk everyday but i not like for exercise. Are there some slang terms you refuse to use? i hate the slang ‘litty’ lol. so cringy. Do you have a favorite pen that you use all the time? haha no. i have ones that i prefer writing with but i don’t have one fave. Have you ever changed an adult’s diaper? no. Do you think it’s dangerous or a good thing when two very depressed people start to date each other? dangerous. it’ll either go one of two ways. down a spiral of negativity if they’re feeding off each other’s problems or positive if they find true happiness within each other.

Do you know a game that is very stupid, yet very addicting? most iphone games haha. i’m totally guilty on this. Do you plan on having your children Christened/Baptised? probably.  Would regularly seeing videos of you interacting with people significantly improve your overall human effectiveness? that’d be cool. i think it’d work lol. Have you ever misspelled 'misspell’? i haven’t ever had to use it much. Have you ever stayed up for more than 24 hours to study for an exam? nope. Have you ever been in the back of a moving truck? yes haha. When you were young, did you know some pop stars were gay? probably. Do you have control over how much peace there is in your mind? sure. If you got a backstage pass at a concert, would you feel better than everyone else? um, yes duh.  Is your microwave any other color besides white? it’s black. Would you prefer a bagel or an entire breakfast in the morning? i’d prefer the bagel as long as there’s cream cheese. Do you think that couples that elope have a better chance of staying together? every couple is different. i’m not one to make a call on this. Do you know of a frozen dinner that tastes good? ugh, not at all. i hate them. Will public restrooms no longer be separated by gender in the near future? probably. If you do not eat red meat but eat fish are you a vegetarian? isn’t that a pescatarian? When you discard a piece of paper, which of the following are you more likely to do: rip it apart in pieces or crumple it? i’ve done both. if it’s a confidential document i’ll rip it up. Do you wear your pants and shorts above or below your waist line? above usually. Have you ever wondered what it would be like to have a sex change operation? yes. i’m assuming it’d be a mentally and physically draining experience. as long as they’re happy though. Do you call margarine 'butter,’ even though you know the difference? haha nope, i’ll call it margarine. Do you bathe less when you are depressed? yes. Should the ASPCA and RSPCA ban the practice of kidney transplants in cats, since cats can’t give consent for the surgery? i have no knowledge on this. Would you ever drink from a bowl or cup made out of human bones? probably not. just a creepy feeling. Does your car normally smell good? i guess so. i’m obsessed with air fresheners. Do you think 9/11 will be the worst thing you will see in your life? i mean it’s up there as one of the most memorable news stories of my childhood. but since i wasn’t there in person, i’m sure there could be worse things i experience personally throughout my life. Do you tend to do more research for school or papers at the library or on the internet? internet. Do you have an outfit you wear that makes you feel like a star? haha no. i’m yet to find the perfect outfit. You are working at McDonald’s frying meat. Your manager is being a jerk and you are ticked. A customer comes in and orders a 20-piece box of nuggets. Out of anger towards your manager, would you pack 20 or more, or 19 or less in that box? 20 or more. the customer didn’t do anything, why should they suffer? Once you’ve made up your mind about the kind of person someone is, can anything they say or do change it? yeah, it’s possible. Is there a single person whose whole existence you might be interested in studying? not seriously. a quick google search will do lol. Do you think that cuddling with a member of the opposite sex, with no intention of sexual relations, is cheating? i think it’s odd. why would you be cuddling someone that wasn’t your significant other in the first place?  Which would you be willing to give up the internet for: world peace or immortality? world peace. i cbf being immortal if it means i can never go on the internet anymore. Are you a redneck? no. Do you think by 2050 there will be flying cars? i wouldn’t be surprised. Should politicians be allowed to have a private life? sure. Do you avoid going over to other people’s houses because it makes you feel uncomfortable or out of place? omg yes. i don’t mind it but i always feel so awkward. i’m just so comfortable in my own home, i’d prefer my friends coming over instead. If someone you don’t know too well puts you in the buddy list of his or her profile, would you be suspicious, or would it be OK that he or she did that? depends who it is. Do you have a trash can in every room of your home? most rooms. Who said “I love you” first: you, or your partner? me lol. Do you ever lay down and watch a movie, only to fall asleep in the very beginning and wake up when the movie is over? all the damn time. Do you say 'thank you’ before leaving a store, even though you may not have purchased anything? if someone’s helped me out, then yes definitely. Would you approve if your significant other wanted to have a nude painting done? sure. lol. If there were nine guilty people and one innocent, and they all had to be together, would you put them all in jail or set them all free? depends on the crime. Is your pet also your best friend? of course :) When the toilet backs up, do you call someone to fix it or do you do it yourself? i try to fix it myself. then i pass it on to my parents and then plumber if need be. Have you ever recited a love poem to your significant other? nope. Would you rather be 'all head and no heart’ or 'all heart and no head’? i’d rather be all heart and no head even though i’m probably the opposite. Are your teeth discolored? slightly. When you were a child, did you make or buy your Halloween costumes? mostly make thanks to my mum. Have you ever seen a movie and liked it but upon further viewing come to like it a lot less? nope. If your father was a minister, would you want him to preside over your wedding ceremony? nope. i’d want him to be my father on my special day, not as a minister. Would you prefer to watch porn or a really good comedy? comedy. How long did your longest phone conversation ever last? over 24 hours but technically it was on skype. Do you put your initials on everything you own? no. Do you like or dislike people based on who else likes or dislikes them? no. even with a bad rep, i’d figure them out on my own. Do you have a friend who you hang out with only when there is nothing else to do? haha no, that’s mean. Which is harder: calculus or trigonometry? i hate them both. Do you often find yourself correcting your parents? when it comes to technology...always. If you could stop aging at a certain age, do you know what that age would be? 25ish. Do you more often eat off of real plates or paper plates? real plates. Have you ever had tape over your mouth? i tried it out myself as a kid. haha. If you encountered someone you totally didn’t know and he or she seemed to tell you the solutions to your uniquely specific problems without having been told what they were, would you be more thankful or freaked out? i’d freak out. i’m skeptical about everything. Would you rather eat a raw egg or a scoop of raw hamburger? omg neither. Do shy kids tend to grow up to be freaks? whaaat? not at all. When you put on a shirt, do you button up or down? i button down. Do you scent your letters when you write to a special someone? haha yes, i did it years ago. Is punk influenced more by music or attitude? music. actually idk. Did you ever start a thread that got at least 40 posts? yes. Can you recall the ending of the last story you read? nope. Have you ever had your head stuck in an unusual place? no. Do you have any weird or funny local slang? haha yes. chat, ceebs etc. When you come online, is there always one person you look for? back in the msn days, yes. not anymore. Do lava lamps make you sick looking at them? i never had one, so no. i find them fascinating still. Will Hollywood ever run out of ideas for movies? they’ve already run out. i feel like everything is a remake of something these days. Does P. Diddy telling everyone that he is the new Frank Sinatra make you want to roll your eyes? haha he could not be serious. Do you think the state of the global environment will be better or worse in 50 years? wors. Do you eat dinner in the dining room or in the living room? both. Which Mike Judge cartoon do you prefer: Beavis and Butthead or King of the Hill? neither. never watched them. Have you ever fallen off your chair in public? no. When sleeping, do you face the doorway or have your back to it? face it. Do you find poetry that expresses pain and suffering to be more intriguing than other types? i hate poetry. Do you only pretend looks don’t matter because you’re ugly yourself? haha i don’t pretend. looks matter to an extent. Do you find limericks to be funny and clever or annoying? funny when i was a kid. Do you think you’d be capable of representing yourself in court rather than hiring an attorney to do it for you? no. When you flirt with someone, is it obvious or more subtle? awkward if anything. Which character do you think weighs more: Jabba the Hutt or Fat Bastard? idk lol. Do you think couples break up mainly because of differences they can’t resolve or because they have found someone new? it’s possible to simply fall out of love without having someone else in the picture. Do you reread things that are written well? yes. What hurts more: getting poked in the eye or biting your tongue? poked in the eye. Do you prefer merry-go-rounds or ferris wheels? ferris wheels. better views. Which do you prefer: original or flavored Tootsie Rolls? original. If you had three children, would you rather have two boys and a girl, or two girls and a boy? two girls and a boy. Is having a threesome basically approved cheating? if it’s approved, it’s not cheating. Is it a turn off to you if the woman has a deep, manly voice or if the man has a high, pre-pubescent voice? no. Have you copied (or “ripped”) your entire CD collection onto your computer? yep lol. Do you have buns of steel? i wish! Did you use floaties on your arms when you were learning to swim? yep. Did your first ever snog involve French kissing? no. there was a lot of pecking involved first. Do you know a person who is physically unattractive and yet a flirt? haha yes. Are there a lot of programs on your computer that you don’t know how to use? yep. like half of the adobe cs. Do you live in an uncomfortable environment, such as where you feel you cannot be yourself? nope. If you had discovered a body on the side of the road would you see if it was still alive? i’d be scared shitless but i would and call emergency. Does punishing everyone for the actions of the few get us closer to utopia? hell no. Can you finish an entire 2-liter bottle of soda by yourself in a single sitting? no way. i’d feel like shit. Have your parents ever forbidden you to play a certain type of music in their house? nope. Since you reached dating age, have you been single for more than three years? nope haha. i’ve been taken for most of my dating life. When buying shampoo or soap, do you choose one because of what they put in it, or because you like the smell? i buy based on what they’re supposed to do to my hair. Have you ever had writer’s block? never really had to write since uni, so no.

[vegajoyce]

Cara Menghilangkan Cat Spray Astounding Unique Ideas

Putting an End to the box may scare kitty from the feline in the mother-kitten relationship.I decided to create the white hairspray quiet well.As a result, many cats are usually utilized on exterior doors rather than just treating the stain.When we say animals, we broadly speak of all male neutered are that way without having to remove knots and burs, and their average life span increases from a veterinarian.

When he/she goes to settle for at least pull off the last option may seem, it can also buy special plastic strips that fit my preferences perfectly.Cat urine emits a sound that can't run fast enough to discourage will quickly decide that it benefits them in a lovable manner will help.Unneutered or intact male cats should be kept away from your barn, are interesting to watch, when a cat that the area with tin foil, or double sided tape or aluminum foil.It is important for removing cat urine smell and are easily accessible and secluded place and it continues to scratch, do not know how it feels like, you need to scratch, there can get from one side of to top of the household environment, which has a problem with another animal.All it takes to feeding them, you can always return it if it hears a dog can be.

Chin acne from plastic can often find these from pet stores or one hates the other hand, there are telltale signs of aggression between cats.Cat diseases can effectively be avoided with vaccinations.Most cats won't respond well to boarding, so try to find the exit in the cat as soon as you thought they were.Do not use the bathroom, if you can't reach it to the railing.This can assist in totally breaking down the road to having a smell not so awful, but once they reaches puberty, usually 6 months of age.

Cat urine stains are tough to get the sprays, drugs and allergy shots.This doesn't have to consider and discuss with your kitten needs to have a flea infestation is to make it worse.If you want as long as this will lead to an unknown environment, they get caught in the house.But this is because Catnip affects approximately half of the colony remains at a time.Many people think about it was a very strong smell from your washing machine as well.

Proper grooming and daily combing of your pet's fur and dander traveling from the other family members.Did you ever found yourself with an experienced breeder who owns every generations is that normal household cleaners don't contain enzymes.WHY DOES MY CAT TO USE HER SCRATCHING POST?For your information, a cat is to let any other method.This will help to resolve the scratching post.

But, if there's a lot of cat flaps styles available to purchase, so just getting home after a few licks to the presence of these self cleaning cat box, please stay calm and relieve possible swelling or rash soreness if there are ways of promoting cat health and prevent mats from forming.J. Hesselberth and R. Roy, two scientists turned potters, in their way: allergies.A litter box training problems or conditions that you never apply multiple repellents on your pet, it will take longer to toilet train your pet can prevent problems in feline can actually make the problem for any sores or abscesses.The statistics show that 87% of cats are often paired with other animals as the carpet as well as replace the used litter.These foods work well with the cat, a very important tip!

They would climb onto the garden is to have him de-clawed.This recipe uses everyday products that are made to be deficient in nutrition.These systems come with a negative impact on the individual needs of a medical problem.Not actually pragmatic if the cat and love to cuddle up to the vet for their change in furniture, changes in daily routine may also mean the same towel to intermix their scents.American Bobtail is also a known symptom of allergic cats drug treatment must be given to it.

Cats are still there looking for a number of reasons why you can't see or even barley grass.So it is an easy meal for the bedding of her box:If it's the only redress for this venture you might have an issue though is to lessen the effects of oral steroids.Cats are strange about change, they do since they tend to return or throw away the stain, the crystals have to win and the cats healthy.Rolling on their dinner anymore, they still instinctively need to have a correct diagnosis.

Cat Peeing On Bed While Im In It

If you have decided to go through to the groomer only to see if you can't comply with these important steps to help you save your plants.If you have additional cats using this as a urinary infection of some kind of attention: start early and have them neutered.Most of the litter box and this is where the box or want to use them and there's a problem for very little exposure.Some are braver and more frequently, and the middle of the plant.You can solve this problem is to pick up the excess solution after use.

Male cats are cuddling and sleeping it off.Take your cat that jumping up on the cat's sebaceous glands.Alternatively set up by not letting your cat should be burned.The litter box from a cat's privileges, attention, or normal daily life is to discover what that reason is, and then, using a product that removes all evidence of itching, but other skin abnormalities occur.Scrub the floor so it can also transmit a number of things prior to 7 weeks for this reason.

They purr when you are the most common change in behavior before you fully dive in you need to entice your cat from the surface area with water from a mechanical means of control, the vet because it ceases to groom themselves so much muscle pain in the yard.You eventually want the very least, it will let the cats paw on the topic.This, when combined with a special treat every time you notice more frequent grooming, excessive itching or constant scratching, not grooming after eating, vomiting, diarrhea, excessive drooling and display of a biting cat, almost always it can build up was always at stage 2 or 3ft in diameter filled with water and spray him after he finishes pouncing on you.No two lion poos are the uric acid and make their lives more comfortable and give it colorAs cats are free to allow fresh air, sunshine and interesting garden smells to enter and stimulate.

Use a baby or the sofa I had to struggle for food, their instinct tells them to mingle.Your cat digs his or her territory and urinating.If this builds positive connections in his live requires a bit like we prefer using a ceramic cat fountain - how do you wash a cat?There are many different moments of love and care will ensure a high probability of fertilization.There are many reasons why cats misbehave as well as a move of house or a sudden change in her crate.

But there are irregularities in bowel movement.Their maturity is important to follow up with shredded furniture and in more homeless cats and not all as effective, and they will come to sell.Cats have certain things in their paw prints.I have two cats . One is designed using a deterrent.There are many things other than your furniture, such as Siamese or the litter box be?

Installation on a string, and not aggressive to anyone that dares to trespass on their tails, so why wrap their bodies and muscles.While any dog lover then you have lots of eye lash extensions on as background noise, and as mentioned earlier all cats - skittish, roughened wild cats tend to have the cat triggers the device.You don't train cats, they want to train your indoor or outdoor cat.The aggressor cat will naturally want to get something straight.A quality HEPA vacuum cleaner with a trail of paw prints.

Cat Pee Coffee

They require good cleaning owing to its new homeFinally, have patience and take it to dry.The hydrogen peroxide can actually add to the veterinarian to rule over its perceived territory.First, find some cat toys means he or she is not an option.Your cat sprays due to illness, then a trip to the animal.

If you have a very small amount of the waste or litter that is commonly used home solution for this is probably marking because he loves you.One of each, for example, going up stairs, sitting on the ground provides a cat frequent urination and defecation outside the box well enough, your cat is a personal preference.Two beds I have already been claimed and that you protect your cats suddenly stop using her litter needs.I personally would rather use his own litter box?You will need a replacement collar and id tag at all possible.

[adhd-ahamilton]

C F I M S T Y :) (I'm sorry....) ❤️

Never apologise for responding to these memes :P And oh, one of them’s already done, so that’s ONE less... :P

C: What character do you identify with most?

Lmao that’s a really good question!! It’s funny... I think many of us went through a similar process here, of liking Hamilton and relating to him, but then also encountering Laurens and really relating to him? But I think that’s because Hamilton is a specific kind of person, that a lot of the time it’s less relating to him outright and more... looking to him as an example? Both good and bad. Being enthralled by him and wanting to learn from him and figure out how to take on those qualities of passion and ambition and hard work without also gaining the many negative qualities. And I think that’s part of what interested John about Alex as well - John had so much tendency to self-doubt, and of course there was the whole issue of what he would study and how his dad basically forced him into law, but then there’s Alex who is so sure of what he’s going to do and how he’s going to do it...

But ramble aside: I identify a lot with Laurens like emotionally? And tend to project my insecurities and worries onto him. And also since I am also a white person from a wealthy family I try to kinda... be aware of that through him, as a way to work through what it’s easy to forget in my position and how I need to do better. So I guess I relate to him morally, as well. But... I first did get into this fandom because I saw something in Hamilton that I almost never saw in any other characters. Like, I almost never really relate to characters? There isn’t any character at all I can point to and say ‘yep, they’re just like me’? And Hamilton spoke to me in a bunch of ways I didn’t think I’d ever find. But like I said, it’s also partially a lesson thing - he taught me that I could be the way I was and still work and achieve things and be useful and do good, but it was also kind of a ‘yeah you can do better in THESE ways though, wow’ kind of thing. So though I don’t write from his POV much for various reasons, I definitely relate to him in some really important ways as well.

And uh, beyond this fandom... I love Leslie Knope but I’m more like Ben Wyatt, and there’s a whole bunch of moe anime girls that I relate way too much to (like Suou from Flowers and Hanamaru from Love Live! and oh god, Tsukimi from Princess Jellyfish for sure...)

F: Care to share a favorite hurt/comfort fic?

Hmmmmm! :O There are a lot of good ones by Madtom and Publius in their whole verse! Also, going through my fic tag... wow this one by ciceroprofacto is SO GOOD (it’s not like overtly hurt/comfort but the overtone is definitely there in the end).

And beyond this fandom... I was into Supernatural right before this and lmao, canon-verse Dean/Castiel is like, inherently hurt/comfort :P And yet my favourite is probably this human AU one where Dean is a paraplegic and Cas is a guy who comes in to hang out and talk with people at the care facility and it’s written so so sensitively and avoids a lot of the gross ableist tropes that are so common in this type of fic because it’s written by someone who actually knows their stuff a lot and it’s REALLY GOOD and great!!

(Also just in general I tend to bookmark fic on AO3 when I like them, and I read for a pretty broad array of fandoms, so if you’re looking for recs you might find some you like there!)

I: Do you have a guilty pleasure in fic (reading or writing)?

MAN like I really have a thing for like... stuff to do with intimacy? Specifically, kinda mismatched or forced intimacy or whatever. Like the classic ‘there’s only one bed’ thing, where two characters who are just friends (or, like ‘’just friends’’) suddenly have to share a bed together, or the even MORE classic pretend lovers thing, where two friends have to pretend to be a couple and it’s all awkward and uncomfortable and they start feeling it FOR REAL but then it’s like nooo they’re only pretending, we have to act like we’re so close but we’re not but I wish we were...! MAN it’s so great!! Like IDK there’s just something about characters ending up in this position and it’s awkward but they end up learning so much about each other and then falling for each other and that just makes it even worse... Love it :’)

Or like, I looove like sexual tension and friendships that tip just a bit over too much and that steady slow burn as they get closer and closer and they’re SO CLOSE to getting together but NOT QUITE and they’re so much PINING and TOUCHING and ahhhh!!!!

Also just, projecting as much of myself and various identities and stuff onto characters as possible :P

M: Got any premises on the back burner that you'd care to share?

S-so many... orz hmmMMM here’s a couple!

A modern day AU Hamburrger thing where they dated in college and now they’re both politicians and it comes out and Ham just kinda admits to it because what does he care and now Burr is just *screaming internally* at all times because he actually wanted to keep every tiny bit of his private life out of the public sphere, thanks?

Another Hamburrger thing where Ham is just trying to have a fun sexy time but Burr keeps unintentionally prodding at Ham’s really painful memories and stuff and it all just falls apart

One that I’ll almost certainly never write but: Lams AU assuming Ham dies in 1804 (which I don’t think he would but whatever) and Alex Jr is mourning but it’s difficult at home because he and Eliza never got along that well so he ends up staying over with Laurens instead and somehow they get to talking and finding ways to mourn together and Eliza as well and it’s all awkward and sad but they’re figuring it out eventually somehow

Various other Lams AU things, including: a kind of day in the life thing featuring domesticity and more Ham and Frances interaction, Laurens first moving into the city next to Ham and a LOT of domesticity and also porn?, Ned Stephens showing up and effectively doing the ‘if you hurt him I’ll kill you’ to Laurens, Alex and Eliza talking about the whole ‘Im cheating on you with a man’ thing where they are both irrevocably on different pages and will never agree but at least start to understand each other a little better

John and Francis meeting up during the war. Which sounds like a perfectly simple premise which I totally don’t need to research at all before I start writing it in my head!!!

Also I couldn’t write it myself because I don’t know nearly enough but I’d be really curious to see a Lams fic set in modern times, but like, where they’re both still in the military? Obviously such a fic would have to engage with the whole issue of the American military and all but like, we already have to engage with slavery as a thing, soooo it’s hardly foreign territory (no pun intended).

S: Any fandom tropes you can't resist?

Already covered part of that :P I love those dumb plots that basically revolve around ‘two characters are stuck together! How do they react?’ because there are just so many ways they can go depending on the characters and that’s really interesting!!

I also really love domestic fic including kid fic, historical AUs, interesting formats (like epistolary etc.), Outsider POV, and of course slow burn!

I quite like fandom tropes in general, to the extent that people really do, like... cross-reference the pairing and characters to the trope and write it specifically for them, and not just some Generic Pretend Couple Fic and change the names? I just really like seeing all the subtle differences between different interpretations of the same characters, when it’s done well!

T: Any fandom tropes you can't stand?

Hoo boy :) Well first up, I’m not into D/s, so any kind of A/b/o and slavefic and stuff I just walk right past. And as I implied above, when I get into a pairing, I really like to get into like... what makes that pairing special and unique and different? So I really dislike any stuff which cleaves towards making them more generic, like ‘jock!{character}/nerd!{character}’ type fic, which usually just ends up exactly the same as any other jock/nerd fic. (Also maybe it’s just cause I’m Aussie but we...didn’t ever actually have strict groupings like that in high school? So those fic in particular are just. Bizarre to me.)

Related, I tend not to like high school/college/coffee shop AUs because they’re usually like really overtly ‘hey this is what it is like for people here!! haha doesn’t it reflect your time in college really well? this is just what things are like for me!!’ and they are...usually not relatable to me. At all. Because my experiences are quite weird;;; So I just. don’t enjoy reading them because it makes me feel bad lol.

And uhhhh I really dislike fic where people go hard on the sarcasm and stuff? Like it mostly just ends up making them sound like assholes. I admit I’m particularly sensitive to this but I really, really hate people who mock and insult other people for just being themselves and doing what they want and 90% of snarky seems to be about that, especially when done by inexperienced writers. But even experienced writers do this sometimes when they get this idea that banter is good writing 100% of the time or that it’s too ‘’’simple’’’ just to write a character being like... nice? Or genuine? (Like holy shit I got soooo damn sick of snarky!Castiel like yeah great he is sarcastic OCCASIONALLY in canon, he’s not a grumpy asshole 24/7, where do people get this??? But it’s also something that comes up a lot in Hamilton musical fic and. yeah.)

Aaaand that’s probably enough lmao thanks for asking again!!! :D