#incredibly sapphic energy from this one my friends

[stardustvanfleet]

Rediscovery — Josh Kiszka x F!Sapphic!Reader

SMUT. 18+ ONLY! MDNI!!!

Pairing: Josh Kiszka x F!Sapphic!Reader

Word Count: 10k

Summary: Your crush on your best friend, Josh, has been becoming harder and harder to ignore. There’s only one thing holding you back from admitting your feelings— most of your experience has been with other women, and you know that Josh’s history is equal and opposite, having mostly been with other men. But after one of your usual nights out, aided by a few drinks and a joint, things are finally coming to the surface. And you’re about to rediscover everything, together.

Warnings: Friends to lovers smut with switchy!Josh. Oral (m & f receiving), fingering/handjob, unprotected sex, dirty talk. Both the F!reader and Josh are written as explicitly queer in this fic.

A/N: This might be one of the most self-indulgent fics I’ve ever written… and I couldn’t be more excited to finally share it with everyone after spending the last few months working on it. I’ve noticed that even though there’s a huge sapphic community in the Peaceful Army, there aren’t a lot of fics written from the perspective of an explicitly queer woman! I absolutely poured my heart into this one and I have some amazing friends I need to thank for the endless encouragement and inspiration. My best friend, my love, my moonbeam @sinsofstardust — thank you for all the hours of discussion that lead to SO many incredible ideas. I love you ENDLESSLY!!! I also want to give HUGE thanks to my loves, @jakesguitarsolo @losfacedevil @kenobicoffee for being my beta readers and giving me the motivation I needed to finish writing 10,000 words… I love all of you SO much 🤍

FIC BEGINS BELOW THE CUT!

//

There was just something about Josh Kiszka.

Maybe it was the way he seemed to radiate a kind of warm, exuberant energy; one that was impossible to ignore from the moment he walked into the room. Maybe it was the little gap between his teeth when he grinned that you’d found yourself immediately drawn to, or those wide, sparkling brown eyes. There could have been a hundred reasons, and, in truth, it was more than likely that there were that many— and then some.

Regardless of what had caused it, the fact that you had a rapidly developing crush on your best friend was becoming harder and harder to push into the back of your mind.

You and Josh had met almost a year ago now. One of your favorite bars downtown had karaoke nights on Thursdays, and on a whim, you had come in after a particularly stressful day at work. You weren’t planning on doing anything but sip your drink and listen to strangers perform their favorite songs, but to your surprise, the curly-haired man sitting next to you at the bar had struck up a conversation so easily and naturally you couldn’t help but fall comfortably into chatting with him. The two of you had a lot of things in common, with a similar love of music and an interest in meditation. And when he told you he was going to go up and sing, he offered his arm as an invitation, which you gladly took, leaving you blown away by his voice as he covered Adele better than anyone you’d ever heard. The two of you had spent the entire night talking, and had exchanged numbers with the intention of hanging out some more, and over the next several months, you two had become incredibly close. And yet— there was one important caveat that, beyond his standard affectionate touches, had kept things between you and Josh entirely platonic.

One of the biggest things that you and Josh had bonded over during your numerous deep conversations was the similar way you both seemed to experience your sexualities. Like Josh, you didn’t put a label on yourself, finding that the way you felt love and attraction to be hard to pinpoint under one term, but the majority of the lovers you’d had throughout your life had been other women. Josh’s history was both equal and opposite, with his experience mostly having been with other men. Being queer was something that was extremely important to both of you, and you knew that. And yet, throughout it all, the increasing feelings you held for Josh were growing stronger and stronger. Eating you alive. Burning into your mind and body.

Talking to Josh was always so easy. So why did it feel so impossible to breach this particular topic?

//

It had been another one of your frequent nights out with Josh. The two of you had gotten into a routine of meeting up at least once a week for drinks and a joint or two, and it quickly became evident to you that spending time with Josh was undoubtedly the highlight of your week. Knowing you’d be able to sit with him, laughing and joking and talking about everything that had stressed you out over the past several days, had become a thought that would get you through even the most difficult times. You tried not to linger too hard on what this could possibly mean for you and your heart, and instead let yourself just try to enjoy the present moment with the ethereal man sitting beside you on the couch.

It was late, very late. Tonight, you’d met up with Josh at a local bar that he had introduced you to a few months earlier, one that was only a few blocks from his apartment. His neighborhood was easy to get to from where you worked, but it was admittedly somewhat out of the way from where you lived. By the time the two of you left the bar, the trains had stopped running, and Josh had insisted that you shouldn’t have to pay a small fortune for an Uber when he had a perfectly good spare room in his apartment.

Josh’s apartment was just as cozy and inviting as he was, and his living room featured a low coffee table surrounded by beanbags and large floor cushions. The couch was pressed back against a cream-white wall decorated with prints and paintings that surely all had a story behind them, framed by the glow of string lights and the numerous plants both lining the walls and hanging from the ceiling. He had immediately offered you one of his t-shirts, and a pair of his own pajama pants that fit you surprisingly well, given that you were both of similar height.

And now, here you were, sitting side-by-side with Josh on his couch as he lit up a joint, with one of his favorite records playing softly on the turntable in the corner. The domesticity of the moment was not lost on you— the clothes you had borrowed still smelled like him, his intoxicating androgynous scent of spicy bergamot and soft jasmine. You both had already had several drinks over the course of the night, and Josh’s cheeks had flushed to a familiar rosy pink that signified his tipsiness. As of right now, all of your energy was going towards not letting your gaze linger on how beautiful he looked. On how hard your heart was beating.

As Josh took a long drag from the joint, his eyes fluttered shut, and you felt your heart skip a beat, unable to stop yourself from watching him. You were still gazing at him when his eyes slowly opened through his long exhale, the cloud of smoke intertwining with the plumes rising from the incense he had burning on the coffee table. He turned to face you as he cleared his throat a little, giving you an affectionate smile and holding out the joint for you to take, which you gladly accepted. Your fingers brushed his as he passed it to you, and you tried to ignore the way the contact made your brain start to buzz.

Now Josh was watching you as you took your hit, his eyes already a little glazed over as the high began to settle in. That was when he spoke, using his favorite pet name for you that you liked far too much to ever admit. “Doin’ alright, mama? Hope I’ve been a good host, though if I haven’t, I’ll be blaming the Fireball.”

You couldn’t help but laugh a little as you exhaled your first hit, nodding towards Josh and managing a grin as you said, “Josh, I promise, you’d be a better host blackout drunk than most people would be sober.”

His face lit up at your words, and he let out a laugh of his own as he replied, “I’ll be sure to hold you to that statement if I manage to set the whole damn place on fire,” his eyes lazily following the plumes of smoke you had exhaled before his gaze fell back on you when you giggled, his pupils blown wide in the low light.

“Okay, now that sounds like you,” you teased, moving to pass the joint back to Josh. As the familiar hazy feeling began to settle over your mind and body, you found yourself inching just a bit closer to him as he took it from between your fingertips, bringing it to his lips with a smirk and a twinkle in his eye as you continued, “Well, if it comes to it, I’ll make sure to implement an accidental-house-fire clause in my perfect host assessment…”

“I wouldn’t expect anything less,” he grinned, the joint dangling between his teeth as he did so, and when his mouth suddenly closed around the end to pull a deep hit, the sight of his plush, puckered lips sucking around the joint was enough to make your head spin. He held the smoke in for a moment, before pulling the joint from his lips with two fingers, letting his jaw fall slack and exhaling the smoke in one large cloud, a sight so effortlessly sexy it made your breath catch in your throat. Josh turned to you, and you thanked your lucky stars that any difficulties you were having finding your breath could be chalked up to the smoke now beginning to accumulate in the room. His head cocked to the side just slightly as he looked over at you, a smirk tugging at the corner of his lips, his eyes having grown heavy-lidded as the weed began to take its effect. “Well, I’ll say tonight’s adventure got us off to an interesting start…”

You began to giggle again, memories of the evening you two had enjoyed so far flashing through your mind. Overall, it had been another fun and relaxed night out, with you and Josh having met at the bar and recounted how the past week had gone in your usual playful fashion, delving into the stress you’d been dealing with at work and his frustrations with his brothers through overdramatic storytelling and a lot of inside jokes.

After you two had been out for an hour or two and were beginning to feel pleasantly tipsy, two people had sat down at the small high-top table beside yours— a guy and a girl that looked to be around your age. They had been speaking loud enough that it quickly became evident that they were on a first date… and it became increasingly clear to you and Josh throughout the night that this couple’s date was not going well. You had spent the next hour or two getting increasingly tipsier and trying to stifle your laughter whenever the man at the other table made another comment about his crypto startup.

“We really got our own personal reality TV show tonight,” you agreed with a laugh, unable to take your eyes off of Josh as he took another drag, his brows furrowing for a moment as he held the smoke in. Beginning to exhale, he started giggling through it, and you felt your heart rate heighten even further.

“Talk about shitty dates,” he said, shaking his head as if to express pity. “And I’ve been on my fair share of dates with mediocre men…”

“That guy doesn’t even get the recognition of being called mediocre,” you said decidedly, taking the joint when Josh offered it to you again, before he leaned back against the couch, stretching his arms out against the back of it as he watched you speak and grab the lighter. “He didn’t even let her get a word in edgewise…”

“Ouch! Tell me how you really feel…” Josh said with feigned betrayal, making you laugh again and move even closer to him so you could smack his arm playfully— the feeling of his firm bicep underneath your hand making your brain grow cloudy for a moment.

“Oh, shut up, Josh… it’s cute when you do it,” you teased, feeling a twinge in your own heart while using words that were so secretly reflective of your own feelings, but this was how your friendship with Josh had always been. Verbally and physically affectionate, especially in these moments—- but platonic. Never escalating. “Besides, you don’t ramble about crypto…”

Josh nodded, grinning and sticking his tongue between his teeth; “Okay, you’ve got me there.” While gazing over at him, you found yourself caught off guard by the way his cheeks suddenly seemed to be reddening even further. Reminding yourself that Josh blushed frequently, and that this could be caused by any number of things, you did your best to shove any distracting thoughts as far back into your mind as you possibly could while lighting up the joint again. It’s nothing. He’s your best friend; that’s all. Your thoughts, however, were interrupted by Josh’s voice, which continued, “Although, I don’t think he’s as bad as the guy I saw that one time who yelled at the waiter…” As Josh recounted how awful this one particular date was, complete with impressions of the terrible guy in question, you were giggling wildly, the high only intensifying the absurdity of the guy’s entitlement in the story.

“And that is exactly why it’s been so long since I’ve dated a man,” you laughed, shaking your head, remembering the nightmarish experience you had a few years ago that had made you opt for a long break on going out with men. “The last date I had with a guy? Absolutely terrible. I swear… he was trying to get in the Guinness Book of World Records for ‘most complaints on a first date’…”

Josh laughed at your sarcasm, watching with amusement as you took your hit. You could feel his eyes on you, even when your own eyelids fluttered shut thanks to the smoke you were holding in. You let out a long, slow exhale, and when you opened your eyes to let your gaze fall on Josh again, you found yourself wondering if he had inched a bit closer while you weren’t watching him— then quickly doubted your own assumption, telling yourself it must be the high only making it seem that way. Once you had taken your hit, you continued, hoping you were maintaining your external composure, “Seriously, you’d think he had a personal best that he was trying to beat. Nothing was sacred. The restaurant, the people around us, my outfit…”

“Your outfit?” Josh asked incredulously, shaking his head in astonishment as you handed him the joint again, which was now over halfway gone. “Well, if he screwed it up with you, I already could’ve told you that he had bad fucking taste, but that really seals the deal…”

You felt heat rising in your cheeks at the compliment, reaching out and squeezing his arm affectionately in thanks without even thinking, making him giggle— the sound of which left you positively reeling. The high which had settled over you made everything feel a bit hazy, a bit dreamy, on top of the fact that you couldn’t take your eyes off of Josh. Everything about him was just as intoxicating as the liquor and the weed you’d shared that night, if not more so, and you could feel your heart hammering in your chest as he took another slow, long hit, while you continued talking to fill the silence that threatened to tug even harder on your heartstrings. “Seriously, though… I can’t believe he was the last man I ever fucking kissed.”

Josh’s head suddenly turned to face yours, the joint smoldering between his fingertips. He raised an eyebrow, and gave you a look that mixed pity with disbelief, along with… some other emotion, one that you couldn’t quite place. “You actually kissed that guy, mama?” There was a touch of irritation in his voice that, if you didn’t know better, you might have placed as jealousy.

You kicked yourself mentally for the thought, while simultaneously, you hadn’t moved your hand from Josh’s arm. For some reason, the pull felt magnetic.

Scoffing a little, you nodded, saying, “I know… not my ideal scenario.” In your tipsy, high state, the words seemed to be spilling from you without any internal consideration, and suddenly, you found yourself blurting out, “I mean… him? Why couldn’t it have been another guy, someone I actually like being around… or literally anybody else?”

As soon as the words fell from your lips, they were hanging in the air. Floating. The breath left your lungs in an instant when you realized what you’d just said, as Josh’s brows furrowed for a moment, those particular words seemingly bouncing around inside his mind. He blinked a couple of times, his lips parting slightly, and it was impossible not to notice the way his gaze seemed to intensify, studying you a little. He cocked his head, the rise and fall of his chest having intensified as you felt your heart rate heighten even further— and that’s when he finally opened his mouth to speak, his brown eyes on you, his pupils blown wide.

“Y/N… do you… do you want it to be… somebody else? The last man you kissed?”

Your mouth fell open, but your thoughts were moving so much quicker than your words could. All you could manage was a soft utterance of “Josh…” as his gaze once again fell to your lips. More openly this time. Lingering. Your head was spinning, your fingertips beginning to grip tighter at his arm. You knew you had to find your words before you lost the wave of courage that was beginning to wash over you, and breathlessly, you let out a soft, “Yeah, I do… I just never thought…”

All coherent thoughts fell apart when Josh’s hand suddenly rested on top of yours, and you trailed off, your breath catching in your throat. Quickly and almost effortlessly, without ever letting his gaze leave yours, he ashed the smoldering joint in the little glass tray on the table with his other hand, and he murmured, “Neither did I…” beginning to lean closer, starting to close the distance between the two of you. Through your rapidly increasing lightheadedness, your lips were already parting in anticipation, your mind racing, your hands trembling. Inches turned to centimeters, and then millimeters.

And when he finally caught your lips with his, it was as if the whole world melted away around you. There was nothing else. Nothing but Josh, his lips taking you in passionately and eagerly, the feeling of his warm, flushed skin against your own…. and, soon enough, his tongue swiping across your bottom lip, as if begging for entry— which you couldn’t help but grant. You could feel his soft facial hair brushing against you as he deepened the kiss, and the feeling was both new and dizzying. All inhibitions you had been holding within you melted entirely away as Josh licked into your mouth, and you found yourself falling into him, your bodies colliding and hands beginning to reach out, touch, grab. Without ever letting his lips leave yours, he was suddenly pulling you by the waist into his lap, and you were letting him, throwing your arms around his neck and fully straddling him, savoring the heat of his body underneath you, the feeling of his firm, solid chest… god, it was all so new, and intoxicating beyond belief.

His kiss was warm, inviting, and all-consuming. A fire had been lit within you, burning incessantly and licking up through your lower stomach as Josh let out a soft sound resembling a moan right into your mouth. It was so pretty, with the slightest hint of a whine, and the thought of hearing more from Josh… sounds increasing in need as he slowly unraveled… immediately made you lightheaded with arousal. An involuntary moan that matched his in its intensity slipped from somewhere deep within you as Josh’s tongue explored your mouth, and the instant tightening of his grip on your waist and arching of his hips right up against you proved beyond any doubt that your sounds were eliciting a similar reaction from the man beneath you. You moaned again, louder this time, and Josh groaned immediately, pulling back just enough to murmur a breathless “You sound… fuckin’ divine, mama,” before hungrily pulling you right back in, your hands sliding up to tangle in his curls, tugging at his roots as he hummed with satisfaction and need, right against your lips.

You were rolling your hips against him now— and with a nearly overwhelming shock of desire, you were suddenly aware of the way Josh was hardening underneath you as he continued to sigh and moan into your mouth. Most of the people you’d been with didn’t have the anatomy that Josh had, and the realization that you were making him hard had you lightheaded. Breathlessly, you started giggling into the kiss, and he pulled back for just a moment to look at you curiously, his cheeks flushed red and his brown eyes wide, sparkling. “What are you giggling at, mama?” he asked playfully, sticking his tongue between his teeth as he watched you rock against him, his pupils dilated with lust.

“It’s just… oh, fuck…” you giggled again, throwing your head back for a moment as you let the feeling of him underneath you just wash over you. “God… I forgot what that felt like, Josh….”

He was licking his bottom lip now, looking just as giddy and flustered as you felt. When Josh’s gaze pulled itself away from your eyes for a moment, he let it drag down your body, right down to where you were grinding down onto him, before right back up to resume looking right at you– as if he were able to see something far deeper in you than what was on the surface. There was a mischievous twinkle in his eyes.

“Tell me, mama…” he started, his voice low and breathless, his eyes remaining on you as he began to roll his hips to the rhythm you had established. “...tell me how it feels.”

“Fuck,” you whimpered, his ability to slip so easily back and forth from needy to commanding making your head spin, and the word slipping out made Josh lick his lips, clearly enjoying being able to watch your expression shift as your arousal grew. Focusing on every feeling, you breathed out, “So good, Josh. Feels so fucking good…”

“Paint me a picture, mama…” he sighed, his eyes glazed over with desire, his hands beginning to glide up and down your body, exploring you slowly and passionately, as though trying to commit your every inch to memory by means of touch alone. Everything had escalated so suddenly, in such a frenzy of accidental admissions, and you didn’t even care. You couldn’t even begin to think of a damn thing beyond what was happening in this present moment, and just how fucking badly you needed him. You couldn’t believe how wet he had made you so quickly.

His desire to hear you speak on your pleasure was intoxicating. You were breathing heavily, unable to take your eyes off of him. He looked angelic, his curls framing his face so delicately and beautifully despite the way your fingers had been knotting into his hair moments earlier. Josh was practically glowing in the dim, warm light, his features illuminated in a way that was simply and undeniably breathtaking. There was a look in his eyes that was making your whole body tremble, and the feeling of his cock continuing to harden underneath you was almost overwhelming. You had never felt an ache quite like this one before. It was different, and it was… good. Focusing all of your attention on exactly what you could feel beneath you as you both grinded against each other, the words left your lips in a breathless, rambling moan.

“Feels… so fucking hard… and thick, Josh… oh, God… I’m soaked… I’m burning for you…”

He let out a shaky groan, his plush lips falling open as he watched your eyes flutter shut while still rocking against him— and you let out a soft cry of need when you felt him twitch against your clit through the layers of fabric between you. “Fuck… mama, you’re a poet…” he panted, leaning his head back for a moment as he bucked his hips up against you. “God… It’s been so fucking long…” When the words left his lips, the thought occurred to you that, just like it had admittedly been a long while since you’d been with a man, it had likely been just as much time since Josh had been with a woman— and the realization somehow made your hunger for him grow even greater.

“Too many clothes,” you managed to gasp out, and Josh was nodding, his eyes having darkened even further, allowing himself to pull his hands from your body long enough to sit back and watch as you pulled your top— his own t-shirt —over your head, throwing it onto the floor without a second thought. You had taken your bra off when you changed into his pajamas, and the sight of you topless was enough to make Josh’s breath audibly catch in his throat, his eyes wide and ravenous, taking in every last inch of skin that had been revealed to him.

“Fuck,” Josh breathed out, his cheeks flushed with arousal, “You are so fucking beautiful…” his words making your head spin as he found the hem of his own t-shirt, tugging it over his head and tossing it to the floor alongside yours. You had seen Josh without a shirt on before, but never anything like this, and being so close was damn near overwhelming. Immediately, you were running your hands up his chest, savoring the feeling of his toned, firm skin underneath your own.

“Josh, you’re fucking beautiful,” you sighed, and the look in his eyes was unlike anything you had ever seen— astonished, adoring, voracious. His own hands began to slide up your body, mirroring the way you were exploring his, before moving to cup your breasts. Dizzily, you were left reeling at the size of his hands, his long fingers, the way he touched… giving your tits a gentle squeeze at first, your resulting moan encouraging him to squeeze harder, pressing your cleavage together as a low groan escaped his throat. You bit your lip, looking back at him and watching how his eyes devoured you. “Do you like them…?”

Josh’s gaze immediately flashed to meet yours, and the eye contact felt like a shock going straight down your spine. A sound resembling a growl escaped from the back of his throat, and your mouth fell open involuntarily as he said, “God, I fucking love them…” continuing to grope and squeeze, his cheeks red, his chest heaving. Your hand continued to slide up his chest, your fingertips finally reaching his necklace, and you just couldn’t resist— tugging it towards you, pulling Josh towards you and kissing him as hard as you’d ever dreamed of doing, drunker now on the feeling of him kissing you back than on anything you’d had at the bar. His hands slid around to the small of your back to pull you into him, your tits pressing up against his bare chest for the first time. The contact made you practically light-headed, moaning into his mouth as the kiss grew sloppier, before Josh’s lips began to trail down to your jaw, leaving wet, open-mouthed kisses in his wake. Your hands slid up to grab at his hair again as he continued his journey downwards, beginning to kiss and lick at your neck— and you were left gasping and writhing underneath him.

“Oh my God, Josh…” you panted, feeling the way his tongue was now beginning to flick and tease at your pulse point, your fingers tightening in his curls. “Fuck…” Your words elicited a moan from Josh against your neck, and you found yourself bucking your hips against him harder at the sound. He continued kissing lower, down your neck to your collarbones, seeming determined to explore every inch of your skin with his mouth, and his obvious desire was making the heat between your thighs burn ever greater. You couldn’t take your eyes off of him as he reached the top of your breasts, letting his mouth and tongue kiss and caress sloppily downwards, looking up at you through his lashes all the while.

He pulled back only for a moment, licking his lips as he gazed up at you, breathing out a low, heavy, “You have no fucking idea how many times I’ve imagined this…” his words sending shock waves straight to your core that were only amplified when, without warning, Josh leaned in to press a hot, open-mouthed kiss right to your nipple, sucking it right into his mouth. The pleasure was so sudden and so overwhelming that your own mouth fell open wide as you arched into him, crying out and gripping him even tighter. Josh let his tongue trace in circles around the hardened bud, before flickering it over you at a speed that had you gasping and whimpering, making your mind reel with possibilities of what else his tongue could be capable of. Your moans were growing louder and more desperate as he moved to pay the same attention to your other nipple, one of his hands sliding up your body so his fingertips could continue playing with the first.

It was already so much. He was so skilled with both his mouth and his fingers, and your anticipation of what was to come was matched by an insatiable hunger burning deep within your core. “Oh, fuck… Josh… that feels so good,” you moaned breathlessly, your voice already shaky, overwhelmed by the way he was working both nipples at once while continuing to grow harder underneath you. The look in his eyes was dark, mischievous. He was clearly being encouraged by your praise, and he was chuckling against you, both the sound and the vibrations enough to make your body shiver against him. He continued worshiping your tits like this for minute after minute, his sighs and moans against you making your head spin and your arousal pool between your thighs. After a while, the feeling of his hard cock rubbing up against you through your pajama pants was becoming impossible to ignore, and the layers of clothing between your bodies felt far too much. Your next words escaped you in more of a whimper than you had intended, thanks to Josh’s relentless tongue against your left nipple and his fingertips rolling and tweaking the right. “Please, Josh… baby… I’m so wet, I need more…”

The words made Josh’s eyes flutter shut for a second, groaning with need as he pulled back from your nipple with an obscene pop. “Fuck, mama… I’ll give you more… lover… let’s get these off you, yeah?” he asked, his hands reaching the hem of your pajama pants as you nodded voraciously, the new pet name he’d just used sending chills up and down your spine.

Swiftly and almost effortlessly, Josh was pulling you off of his lap to press you up against the back of the couch, kissing you deeply all over again as he repositioned you, before pulling back to look you in the eyes as he moved to untie the pajama pants you had borrowed from him. You lifted your hips to aid him as he hooked his fingers underneath the waistband of both the pants and your panties, his gaze meeting yours as if to check in for one final time that this was what you wanted, and you were nodding before either of you even had the chance to speak. “Please…” you breathed out, and that was all the confirmation he needed, tugging them all the way down your legs and lifting your ankles to pull them off of you. Your head was reeling as you watched him kneel before you through heavy-lidded, lust-clouded eyes. Slowly, as if uncovering something sacred, Josh’s hands landed on your knees, gently pulling them apart, revealing you to him— all of you, for the first time.

His lips parted in astonishment. “Oh my fucking God, mama…” He was devouring your pussy with his eyes, staring at you as though witnessing the divine. “You’re so fucking wet… fuck, you’re a goddess… Aphrodite incarnate.”

You were left breathless at his words, and if that wasn’t enough, in a frenzy, Josh’s mouth attached itself to your inner thigh, kissing eagerly, lapping against your sensitive skin, and beginning to climb higher by the moment. Utterly overwhelmed by the feeling, by his desire, you found yourself growing lightheaded, panting out, “You wanna taste it, Josh?”

Between hungry kisses to the inside of your thighs, he looked up at you with a wild ferocity in his eyes you’d never seen before, and his voice was husky as he breathed out a low, hot, “Not want. Need.”

He had left you speechless, the only sound escaping your lips a desperate whimper of arousal that made Josh groan against your skin as he continued his ascent. Moving higher with every kiss, every lick, every graze of his teeth— you were trembling as Josh grew closer and closer to your burning heat. It had been a long time since any man had made you ache like this, and you couldn’t believe just how badly you needed him, how little you cared about anything beyond the promise of his tongue.

Josh was nearing the apex of your thighs now, only inches away from where you needed him most. The feeling of his lips and his facial hair, watching the way his nose pressed into the soft skin of your upper thigh… keeping your eyes on him felt addictive. He was a work of art, devoting his mouth and body to your pleasure, and you couldn’t look away. That was, until Josh fulfilled his promise— hands gripping your thighs and eyes right on yours as he pushed his head forward, immediately pressing a slow, wet kiss directly to your pussy.

The cry that left your lips was louder and more desperate than any of the moans Josh had already drawn out of you, and your thighs immediately tightened around his head, your hands flying back into his hair as you threw your head back. Josh had flattened his tongue, licking a stripe along the entire length of your slit, before letting his tongue explore your folds, his lips kissing and sucking all the while. You were practically incoherent already, astonished at how he could possibly be so good at this. Expletives were falling from your lips completely outside of your control, your desperate moans of “Oh, God… fuck…!” only serving to encourage Josh further, pressing his face in even deeper and sucking at your clit, his mustache tickling at your most sensitive spots while his hands kept a white-knuckled grip on your thighs.

You were practically seeing stars, tugging at Josh’s hair in unbridled ecstasy as he started flicking his tongue against your clit, at a speed you couldn’t even begin to comprehend. The feeling made you let out a sound so needy and pornographic, you hardly recognized yourself. Pleas began to tumble from your lungs as your thighs started to shake, the pleasure building quicker than you ever could have imagined. “Please, please… oh, God, Josh, don’t stop…”

His fingers dug into your thighs as if to assure you that he was not going to stop, his tongue continuing to flick and lash at your clit from every angle, lapping at your wetness, humming and groaning into your heat. Devouring you as if it was his last meal, Josh looked up at you with his brown eyes wide, sparkling, practically innocent; and the sight had you choking on your own breath, his name escaping your lips in a desperate whine— and the sound of that, perhaps combined with the taste of you, left Josh’s eyes rolling up into his head, eyelashes fluttering wildly, as he worked your cunt with his tongue. The sight, combined with his relentless worship of your pussy, the lapping of his tongue against your clit, sent you right over the edge— all at once, you were moaning louder than ever as wave after wave of pleasure crashed over you. Your thighs clenched and tightened around Josh’s head as he groaned into your pussy, licking up your release as you gushed onto his tongue. The orgasm was all-consuming, wracking every inch of your body with shudders, and Josh made sure to work you through every second of it, keeping his pace until you began to come down. Only then did he slow his tongue, beginning to press slow, passionate, gentle kisses to your pussy as the last few spasms of pleasure coursed through you. He only pulled back when your grip in his hair loosened, turning to gentle strokes of your fingertips through his curls.

With one final, soft kiss to your heat, Josh came up from between your legs, licking his lips and looking at you almost bashfully, his face flushed and slick with your release. The sweetness in his gaze combined with the depravity of the moment sent yet another shiver down your spine. Chest heaving and eyes glazed over, you let out an incredulous giggle, savoring the softness of his hair under your fingertips, and the way he was looking at you. “Jesus, Josh… you didn’t tell me you were so good at that,” you teased, still somewhat in shock at the fact that all of this was really happening.

“You never asked,” he teased back, sticking his tongue between his teeth, and the sight had butterflies erupting in your stomach all over again. You were struck by an overwhelming need to kiss him, and you again let your hands find his necklace, beginning to tug him back up towards you, and you watched Josh’s eyes widen and lips part as he raised himself to close the distance between the two of you once more. This time, when your lips met and Josh licked into your mouth, you could taste yourself on Josh’s lips and tongue, and that little fact combined with his soft moan into the kiss left your body growing hot all over again.

You kissed sloppily for another minute or two, letting your hands begin to slide up and down Josh’s chest, and the sounds your touches were eliciting from the man positioned between your legs were making your mind grow foggy. In the midst of the kiss, Josh’s hips pressed up against your core, his clothed erection rubbing up against your bare cunt, and the feeling made the both of you gasp. Josh pulled back a little to capture his lower lip between his teeth, his eyes fluttering shut for a moment. When he opened them again, you already knew exactly what you wanted. “Josh…?” you asked softly, seductively, and his gaze on you alone had you practically seeing stars. “You made me feel so good… please… let me return the favor…”

As the words left your lips, you were sliding out of your position on the couch, keeping your gaze directly on Josh. “Stand up for me? Please?” you asked, your eyes wide, your teeth grazing your own lower lip. He was mesmerized, looking at you with so much visible desire that you could hardly think straight, but stood up for you, his body practically glowing in the soft, golden light. Through your haze, you were able to sink down onto the floor, finally ending up exactly where you wanted to be. Kneeling in front of him. At eye level with the bulge straining through Josh’s pajama pants. Looking up at him with those same doe eyes, you slid a hand up the inside of his thigh, and Josh let out a soft, melodic groan, his own hand falling to stroke your cheek and run his fingers through your hair. His tender touches only served to encourage you more as your hand stroked further and further upwards, before finally reaching its destination— wrapping around the visible bulge in his pajama pants and giving it a squeeze, arousal flooding your veins at both the feeling of his hard cock in your hand and the moan that escaped Josh at your touch. It had been so long since you’d done this, since you’d been with anyone who had a cock, but… Josh knew that. He’d known that for almost as long as you’d known him at all. And somehow, the fact that it was him you were here with, exploring, rediscovering— truly made any nerves or hesitation you might’ve had disappear without a thought. “Fuck, you’re hard, baby…” you breathed out, looking up at Josh through your lashes, and the use of the affectionate pet name made his grip tighten in your hair.

“It’s all for you,” Josh replied, his voice husky, his breaths coming hard and fast. The sight of his toned chest rising and falling so rapidly in combination with his words was making your head spin as your hands slid higher, hooking around his waistband. He groaned a little, his hips bucking involuntarily at the loss of contact, but his next words were low, seductive. “You wanna see what you do to me, mama?”

A soft moan slipped from you at his question, and you were nodding before you found the words. “Yeah, Josh… I wanna see it…” His teeth sunk into his bottom lip once more as he watched you through lust-blown, darkened eyes, cocking his head, which made his curls fall across his forehead in a way that made you squeeze your thighs together involuntarily. Finally, you couldn’t resist any longer, tugging down Josh’s pajama pants while he kept his gaze on you, hungry and intense. And when you laid eyes on his cock for the first time, the wave of desire that crashed over you was enough to leave you utterly and completely dazed.

“Prettiest cock I’ve ever seen,” you whispered, almost reverent, and Josh let out a giggle so breathless and aroused that you felt yourself grow practically lightheaded, his cheeks somehow flushing even redder at the compliment. The statement was the inarguable truth; you had slept with comparatively few men as opposed to women, and not one of them had a cock that left your mouth watering the way Josh’s already had— upon sight alone. He was deliciously thick, the head of his cock an identical rosy pink to his plush lips and slick with precum, making his own desire more than evident. You were left awestruck, staring at all of him for a moment, wondering how it was possible that tonight’s events had truly led to the situation you were currently in.

He was gazing at you through heavy-lidded eyes as you lifted your hand, reaching out and letting your fingertip trace all the way up the one pretty vein that ran up the underside of Josh’s cock. At your feather-light touch alone, Josh shuddered, his fingers curling in your hair and a sigh escaping his lips. “God, lover…” the words left him in a husky whisper, so low and breathy, and the sound had you squeezing your thighs together all over again. Blinking up at him innocently, you spit into your hand, shivering when Josh let out a little growl at the sight. Your heart racing, you wrapped all your fingers around the base of Josh’s thick cock, savoring the feeling of his warm skin, and the moan that slipped from him was so pretty you couldn’t wait any longer, starting to pump your hand slowly up and down his length. You couldn’t take your eyes off him, watching the way his expression changed, how his plush lips fell open, his brows knitting together a little, as he moaned out, “Oh, fuck…” Stroking him up and down, you began to repeatedly swipe your thumb over the head of his cock, and the action was making Josh grow breathless underneath you. You heard him sigh your name, his chest heaving, his hips beginning to buck against the motions of your hand.

Feeling drunk on desire and the way Josh was somehow continuing to harden in your grasp, you were unable to make yourself wait any longer. “I love this cock, Josh…” you managed to breathe out, another wave of desire washing over you as he tugged harder at your roots, biting his lip. “…and fuck, I need a taste….” The arousal was written all over Josh’s face, his cheeks flushed red and his mouth still hanging open.

His voice was breathier, a little shakier, when he opened his mouth to reply. “Go ahead, lover… it’s all yours…” The sound of that particular nickname leaving his lips while urging you to go on, his tone almost needy, made your eyes nearly roll back into your head with desire. Keeping your gaze on Josh while you continued to stroke his cock, you leaned forward, your head spinning and breaths coming fast and heavy. And when your lips touched his sensitive skin, pressing a soft, open-mouthed kiss to the head of his cock, the sound that escaped Josh was enough to send a lightning bolt of arousal straight through your entire body. His eyes were wide, lust-blown, his pretty lips hanging open as his chest heaved, tangling his fingers in your hair as your kisses turned into kitten licks to his head, exploring his soft skin, lapping at his arousal.

Josh was falling apart so quickly, and you couldn’t take your eyes off of him. Reeling from the taste of him, you started taking him deeper into your mouth, flames of desire licking up into your lower stomach with every moan from Josh, every buck of his hips. Expletives fell from his lips like a prayer as you continued, feeling every inch of him as you took him deeper into your mouth, further down your throat. Practically gagging on the sheer size of him, you finally reached the base of his cock, the tip of your nose pressing up against his pelvis as you blinked up at him with wide, almost innocent eyes. A strangled noise somewhere between a moan and a growl escaped him, his fingers holding a white-knuckled grip in your hair, while his whole face, neck, and even the top of his chest were flushing pink with arousal. “God… fuck… look at you… so fucking beautiful,” he was panting out, his words coming out in a desperate, rambling groan. You had never seen Josh so incoherent, and the sight was beyond dizzying. His praise was electrifying, and finally, you hollowed your cheeks around him, beginning to bob your head up and down his length. Josh let out a loud, uninhibited moan, throwing his head back and letting out another strangled “Fuck… oh, Jesus Christ…”

His moans, his body, his cock; it was all so unbearably addictive. The way his chest was rising and falling with such rapid, intense gasps. The way he was bucking his hips back against your eager mouth. The way his fat cock was somehow still getting harder, thicker inside your mouth. Swelling. Throbbing. The drool was practically dripping down your chin as you sucked him off, bobbing up and down, using your tongue to explore as you watched his contorted, blissed-out expression shift with spine-tingling curiosity. Josh’s hands were practically trembling in your hair as he continued to moan, praise, and curse— the words seeming to fall from his lips entirely involuntarily, as though erupting from his soul itself while you let his pleasure build.

You had almost entirely lost yourself in the taste of his cock, the way it was stretching your jaw, how it felt filling up your mouth and throat, that you were caught by surprise when Josh started pulling back with a shudder, his hard cock slipping from your lips with an obscene pop. Any confusion that you felt, however, was immediately dissipated when Josh breathed out, voice husky, “God, mama… I’m gonna fuckin’ cum if you don’t stop… and, fuck…” he was helping you stand to meet him at eye level again, his eyes dark and desperate as he stroked a hand through your hair, down past your cheek, dragging his fingertips down your neck. “I need to fuck you, lover…”

Hearing him say those words made your mouth fall open a little, beginning to nod before you could even speak. “Oh, God… please, Josh… fuck me. I need it. Please, just fuck me…” Upon hearing that, Josh was growling again, the sound still making your entire body tremble, as he began walking you backwards towards his sofa, his hands on your body and his eyes on yours, intense and hungry. Before long, you were trying to keep your breathing steady as Josh laid you down on the couch, his eyes all over you, his necklace dangling over you enticingly. Your heart pounding, you sat up against the arm of the sofa, biting your lip at Josh as you slowly, teasingly opened your legs wide for him. His gaze was ravenous as you blinked up at him, breathing out a soft, tantalizing, “Come and get it…”

That was all Josh needed. Immediately, he was climbing on top of you, positioning his flushed, firm body between your legs and letting one hand rest on either side of you on the arm of the couch. His face hovered above yours, his cheeks red and his eyes dark with arousal, as one hand landed on your shoulder, pinning you to the arm of the couch underneath him—- the action immediately sucking all of the air from your lungs. His free hand now began to slide down your body as he cocked his head, studying your expression with hungry brown eyes as he groped at your tits, then let his hand slide down your stomach, before letting his fingers part your folds. You moaned, bucking your hips into his touch, and a groan escaped Josh at that as he stared at you incredulously. “Fuck, mama… you’re so fucking wet…”

“God, Josh, it’s what you fucking do to me,” you panted, little whimpers and sighs escaping your lips as he gathered your wetness on his fingertips, before trailing up to play with your clit. After a moment of this, he trailed his fingers down, letting his index finger tease and press at your entrance, and you were moaning, nodding your head, the eye contact that Josh was maintaining heightening every feeling, every sensation. Upon your nod, he was pushing one long finger up into your cunt, and you were crying out all over again, your walls immediately clenching around him— and that drove both of you into near madness, as you immediately leaned up to kiss Josh as hard as you possibly could, moaning into his mouth, bucking your hips against his hand as he began to fuck you with his finger, pumping it in and out, getting your cunt ready for his cock.

You were grabbing at his body, at his necklace, his curls, pulling back to stammer pleas desperately against his lips. “More… God, Josh, I need more…” the words left your mouth in a rambling, desperate beg, and the low groan of desire that escaped him in response made your eyes roll back a little even before he slid a second finger into your pussy, fucking them in and out of your wetness as you writhed beneath him.

“What do you need?” His voice was husky, teasing, his eyes heavy-lidded and never leaving yours, his nose hovering millimeters above your own. Your heart felt like it could give out within your chest at any moment as Josh’s fingers worked you, stretched you. “I wanna hear you say it, lover…”

“Fuck, Josh… oh, God, I need your cock. Please…” you begged, reaching out and tugging at his curls, savoring the way he leaned into your touch. “…I’ve imagined it so many times, baby… please just fuck me…”

Those words, the admission that you’d pictured this before on numerous occasions, must’ve been exactly what Josh was looking for, as a moan even lower, darker, huskier left his lips. “Fuck, mama… sound so fucking pretty when you beg….” You shuddered at this, looking up at him with pleading eyes, as Josh nodded slowly, and pulled his fingers from your dripping pussy, the loss of contact making you shiver. You watched, dazed, desperate, as he wrapped those same fingers around his hard, thick cock; giving it a few solid pumps before lining it up at your entrance. The look in his eyes was unlike anything you’d ever seen before— powerful, commanding, full of need, while still unbearably affectionate. Practically loving. You could hardly think, drunk on your desire, gaze fixed on the beautiful man hovering above you. Teasingly, teeth sinking into his lower lip, Josh began to rub the head of his cock up and down your soaked slit, and the friction left you whining and bucking your hips desperately against him, his own mouth falling open at the contact. “Gonna fuck you so good, lover… so hard, so deep… gonna have you fucking screaming for me, mama…”

He didn’t even give you the time you needed to process his filthy words— because it was right as Josh spoke that he was pushing his hips forward, his hard, fat cock parting your folds, sliding into your tight, soaked cunt, inch after inch filling you up and stretching you out. Your eyes flew open wide, your mouth falling completely open alongside them as a moan louder than any you’d let out all night escaped your lungs. You weren’t alone, Josh’s own mouth hanging open with pleasure as his eyes rolled back a little, lashes fluttering wildly as he pushed in, up to the hilt. Your chest was heaving, hands desperately reaching to grab at Josh’s body, his strong arms, as little gasps and whimpers left your lips. “Oh, Josh… fuck… you’re so thick…”

He was groaning a little, fighting to keep his eyes open against the overwhelming pleasure of your cunt wrapped around his cock. “So fucking tight…” he managed, his voice restrained, rough, almost shaky. “…gonna move, lover…. you ready? You wanna get fucked?” It was all so overwhelming already, so dizzying, and you were nodding with unbridled desperation, clinging to his biceps as you fought to catch your breath. Yet, as Josh fulfilled his promise, it was clear you wouldn’t be finding your breath anytime soon.

Slowly, he was pulling back nearly all the way… before immediately thrusting his hips forward with such intensity, such purpose, that you cried out instantly, your hand flying to grip Josh’s necklace, which had been dangling just above your breasts ever since he climbed on top of you. He started slow, but the measured pace didn’t last long as he began to pick up speed, starting to thrust harder, faster, deeper. You were so quickly being rendered incoherent as his thick cock pushed in and out, hammering into your cunt and stretching you deliciously with every hard thrust. Moans of his name began to fall from your lips as he fucked you, and you found yourself wrapping your legs around his torso, hanging your head back with overwhelming pleasure as Josh fucked up into you again and again.

“You feel that, lover….? Fuck… you’re squeezing me… so fucking tight…” Josh was groaning, his gaze heavy, his eyelids fluttering, his eyes threatening to roll back again and again. He was twitching inside of you, throbbing, even, and the feeling was beyond intoxicating as you felt your thighs beginning to tremble around him.

“Oh, God… don’t stop, Josh, don’t stop… feels so good…” you were moaning, rolling your hips in response to his relentless thrusts, feeling your pleasure beginning to build rapidly for the second time that night. He growled, beginning to fuck you even harder, adjusting so he was slamming his hips into you from a new angle— and when the head of his cock began to shove up against your g-spot with every thrust, the cry that left your throat was so needy, so desperate, so whiny that it elicited a moan of matching intensity from Josh.

“I can feel you… fuckin’ clenching,” he was groaning, not once slowing the pace of his thrusts, his hand still pinning you to the arm of the couch below him as he fucked you. “You gonna cum again for me, sugar? Yeah? Gonna cum on my cock this time?”

You were whimpering, nodding, tears beginning to well in your eyes as Josh pounded into you, your tits bouncing with every hard thrust of his cock into your pussy. He never once hesitated, only continuing to hammer into you, his gaze intensifying, his sounds growing hungrier, more uninhibited. “Not gonna stop, sugar… gonna fuck you ‘til you’re cumming all over this hard cock… make this tight, pretty pussy cum for me…..”

His words were growing filthier by the moment, and it was only making your head spin even faster, your thighs tremble even harder, your grip on his necklace tighten as the heat began to build deep within your core. Tears began to spill from your eyes; the pleasure starting to become almost overwhelming, moments away from the edge— and Josh must’ve been able to tell, because all of a sudden, his fingers were right back on your clit, circling it mercilessly as his cock slammed into you again and again… and that was all it took.

With a desperate, pornographic cry of his name, you were clenching down onto Josh’s cock as your orgasm crashed over you. Wave after wave of pleasure wracked your entire body as you clung desperately to Josh, moaning again and again and trembling, shaking almost violently against him, seeing stars and practically sobbing as you melted into euphoria.

Josh was groaning, fucking you as hard as he could through your orgasm, his eyes beginning to roll back— and he managed to pull himself from your cunt just in time, your name leaving his lips in a desperate moan alongside a string of obscenities as he exploded all over your stomach, stroking his cock and bucking his hips into his hand. His expression was damn near angelic, his brows knitted together, his mouth wide open with ecstasy, before he caught his lower lip between his teeth, thrusting up into his hand as he finished riding out his high.

Slowly, slowly, gasping for air, you found yourself beginning to return to Earth, your grip loosening on Josh’s arms but refusing to let go, still savoring the feeling of his soft, warm skin; his muscles flexing underneath your fingertips. The chorus of moans between the two of you had evolved into breathless sighs as Josh collapsed onto you; and when you finally managed to open your eyes, you found yourself giggling without even meaning to— your head still spinning, your heart still racing.

Josh was breathing hard, a bashful grin on his face as his own eyes fluttered open, gazing down at you with what could only be described as adoration. Reaching up to run a hand through his tousled curls, you giggled again, your heart swelling in your chest at the way he was looking at you, before he began to join you in your shy laughter. “Wow…” you managed, biting your lip a little, as he let out a giggle of his own, nodding in agreement. You felt heat rising in your own cheeks as you admitted shyly, “Josh, I… you have no idea how long I’ve wanted to do that with you.”

He smiled at you, the affection in his gaze making you practically breathless as he said, “Truthfully? I think I do… because I’m sure I’ve wanted it just as long,” letting his arms slip around you, and the feeling was a new kind of dizzying. You giggled again, before leaning up to press another kiss to his lips— this one soft, slow, lingering. The frenzied hurry that had motivated the majority of your actions had dissipated as you realized, with a rush of excitement, that you had all the time in the world.

When the kiss broke, you were laughing again, running your hands across his arms, up to his cheeks, savoring the way his eyes fluttered shut at your touches. “All the time we’ve wasted…” you sighed with a grin, thinking about the months you’d spent pining after him, certain that your thoughts and feelings weren’t reciprocated. He was smiling down at you, holding you close to his body.

“We’re here now,” Josh said with a grin, pressing another kiss to your cheek. “And I intend to make the most out of every moment…” as you felt yourself blushing all over again, your heart racing. This really was just the beginning.

It was a long time before the two of you managed to work up the motivation to move from your positions tangled together on the couch, but Josh’s promise of a warm shower and the invitation to share his bed was more than enough to convince you. As he helped you to your feet, his arm wrapping around your waist while your thighs trembled, you felt your heart nearly overflowing with affection. When you turned to look at him, however, a thought struck you that left you giggling all over again, leaving Josh looking at you with a curious grin, arching an eyebrow inquisitively. “What’s bringing on that cute giggle now…?”

You grinned at him, biting your lip and leaning in to press another kiss to his cheek. “Tonight may have been our best adventure yet.”

He laughed again, his happiness utterly infectious, as he leaned in, his lips only millimeters from yours. “And we’ve got plenty more to come, lover.” Closing the distance between the two of you, this kiss was gentle, passionate. A promise that he was yours. That you were his.

As you two headed towards his room, his arm around your waist, there was one thing that was certain. No matter what else was to come, you knew that Josh was right. You two had so many adventures in store.

And you couldn’t wait to rediscover it all.

//

TAGLIST: @sinsofstardust @jakesguitarsolo @losfacedevil @kenobicoffee @sparrowofthedawnsworld @gold-mines-melting @texas-bbq-pringles @mountain-in-springtime @alwaysonthemend @tripthelightfatality @runwayblues @shutupdevvie @heavens-hearken @godly-sinsx @sacredjake @ignite-my-fire @kiska-enthusiast @songbirds-sweet @viagvf @wetkleenex-gvf @jaketsparrow @rhythm-of-space @the-starcatcher @hsfallingsky @fuckyoutommie @earthlysorrows @ascendingtostardust @joshsindigostreak

If you want to be added to my taglist, you can do that right here! Thank you so much for reading, I hope you enjoyed it 🥰 All my love, Li xoxo

[mmymoon]

If any of my mutuals are still around --

I adopted my daughter who is the light of my life and the pain of my ass

Adoption from foster care is hard trauma healing work but it's the best thing I've ever done with my life and also legitimately so much easier than being the "mom friend" to a toxic friendsgroups

(speaking of which I also lost a LOT of those when it turns out being a parent means you have less energy for other people to drain/yeah turns out I have some real strong opinions on child welfare and youth rights that I will not compromise on)

Am eternally grateful for my friends family (including chosen family) who stuck around and supported me

Including my doll friends who are some of the realest MFers out there

Got diagnosed with AuDHD, oops I thought I was homeschooled, turns out the people who were homeschooling feminists in the late 70s/early 80s were themselves autistic and it's heritable soooooooo

Wow Vyvanse is good stuff, also apparently studies from a DECADE ago show it helps with CFS but no one seems to know about this

Got more shitty floofy tiny doggiehs

Finally stumbled into loving my incredibly hot girlfriend after a ten year slow burn of us both being oblivious to how much we liked each other (which is a sapphic mood, no?) with this hot girl summer background of sapphic pop girlie anthems

am really happy rn :)

[sapphic-story]

What's Lee working on in 2024?? A Mini Guide:

I have a better job with slightly less hours so hopefully it is time for creative things again yippee!! Text under cut

Slide 1:

Liho (comic)

Themes: definitions of love, social expectations, relationships dynamics, idealization

Welcome to the loveliest campus in the world, protected by the ever adored Cupid Heart!

Ifeolewa is a sophomore college student that has been chosen to become a magical girl and defend the sanctity of love around her school!

…unfortunately, Ife has a 5th grader’s understanding of love at best and doesn’t quite understand the complexities of modern relationships and romances.

Now, Ife juggles school, fighting villains, “fixing relationships”, and trying to win the heart of her crush, Liho (her best friend’s incredibly recent ex-girlfriend).

Slide 2:

Slips of the Stars (comic)

Themes: loneliness, abandonment, free will vs fate, individual perspective

Kaasey “Slips” Marion is a aimless, bored, burnt out college student who doesn’t know where they’re going in life. 

They’re also convinced that every person around them is literally in a story, meticulously recording the story details in her notebook. They believe they are a background character in these stories, probably for comic relief.

Also, every day the world ends and then she wakes up at the beginning of the day again. 

That one’s new.

Slips has to step out of the shadows and work with her main characters to figure out what’s happening, why, who’s causing it, and how to help this story finally have its happy ending before time runs out.

Slide 3:

Hospital Food (achronological ergodic novel-y thing..?)

Themes: Mental health and chronic illness, identity, multigenerational relationships, life and what could lie beyond it (if anything)

Sickly new employee Ward devoted her time and energy to her new job at an inpatient care facility for individuals with deadly parasites eating them alive. Ward and her team fought day and night to save patient lives from the very same parasites that threatened Ward’s life more and more every second.

Now, Ward, her coworkers, and their clients are nowhere to be found. The facility they worked and stayed at no longer exists. 

What happened? Where did they go? Is anyone left alive? All that’s left are the forgotten files, notes, and memos collecting dust in abandoned desks and drawers, waiting to be discovered.

Slide 4:

Other odds and ends 

I share story custody with some friends on some things about spies, zombie apocalypse, urban fantasy mysteries, and more magical girls

You might see me posting about an experiment I did polling college students about loneliness and their relationship to technology

Additionally might also just generally see things for my class/work 

There’s also a lot of story ideas and tropes that I really like (see next slide) so you’ll see a lot of very specific tags regarding those concepts 

I like playing with different mediums like art, writing, music, video games, and many more!

All the art in this is my own :) save for the jojo reference

Slide 5:

About the Author

Hi I’m Lee sapphic-story

I’m a 22 year old Black American lesbian

I use they/them pronouns

I’m a master’s student in educational psychology and work in a community college system to enhance student services 

I have a lot of specific interests including…

Time loops

All things urban fantasy

Perceptions of love

Familial relationships

(Former) christianity 

Atypical relationship dynamics

The physical/emotional/ psychological effects of being a “hero”

Story structures

Self aware characters

And way more I have so many tags 

Stay tuned for further story updates

[mineonmain]

Have you seen the GMMTV 2023 trailers? Any you like? I am so ready for ‘only friends’

oh MAN have i see the trailers?? I've seen i'd like to say a good majority of them, although i don't actually know how many there are lmaoo. i've been doing nothing all day except spamming the discord with links and screaming about the upcoming shows. so let me just list out the trailers i've seen, and then i'll just say in a line or so what I think:

Midnight Museum - it's giving Night at the Museum meets Hotel del Luna, and that's all I have to say about it. Not my cup of tea, probably won't watch it, Gun stans go ham

Double Savage - YES. YES. YEEEEEEEEES. Besties Perth and Ohm are in a series together as brothers, and there's the age old conflict of family vs moral civic duty, heart vs mind, and I wouldn't trust anyone else to carry it out. Ohm and Perth are probably some of my favourite actors, and it's such an incredible way for them to flex their acting chops, also knowing they're friends and could trust each other when acting with one another. LETS GOOOOOOO

A Boss and A Babe (BL)- what is this title. What in the wattpad, Office AU, boss-and-secretary-but-Make-It-Gay headass is this. I'm not a ForceBook person anyways, so I will not be watching this cheese cringefest, as long as they're enjoying themselves. it's a no from me dawg

Enigma - this is for all the horror/psychological thriller girlies out there. I won't be watching this bc i'm not good with horror, but i'm excited to see Win in a role unlike any he's played before, full of enigmatic (hehe) charm.

Last Twilight (BL) - It's giving that Me Before You, Bucket List before going blind, fault in our stars energy, honestly I'm pretty ambivalent about it. JimmySea are cute together tho

Wednesday Club - messy messy messy. a group of friends who don't like each other and all full of *secrets* because it's cool to not be a nice person i guess. everyone needs therapy.

Dangerous Romance (BL) - gotta say i'm surprised by this, i have a love-hate relationship with this one. don't like that it's set in highschool, wasn't expecting perth to be in another BL, wasn't actually expecting it to be with chimon despite the rumors. however, Perth is so good at this, he and Chimon are such good friends, I might just give it a shot. As much as I love Perth, Chimon is shining in this one. Hard to go wrong with a classic enemies-to-lovers

Hidden Agenda (BL) - This feels so bloody basic and derivative. Dunk is playing a nerd (except he's hot), Joong is reprising his role from Star and Sky, it's giving reverse 2gether, Podd and Guy are There for some reason??? I really like Joong but give my man some better roles. I'll still watch it tho

The Jungle - GMMTV said 'Diversely Yours' and then gave us a multi-starrer of several toxic men being the actual worst, and a bunch of women looking at them going 'I could fix him', and then gmmtv said 'here you go here's your diversity and representation'. No comment

Cooking Crush (BL) - OffGun Chef + Doctor AU. I can't particularly see a plot here so far, and I feel like offgun's strength lies outside the romcom genre, but that's just me tee hee ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ Probably good mindless entertainment for babiis

Beauty Newbie - Remake of My ID is Gangnam Beauty. I don't have anything to say about this

23.5 (GL) - FINALLY gmmtv's first proper GL, and it's with MilkLove (as they deserve!!!) it's giving that soft sapphic pining and love, full of euphemism and metaphor, and i can't wait to see how it turns out. if we can have main BL with a side GL, then we can have a main GL with a side BL, that's equal rights babey

Loneliness Society - Remake of While You Were Sleeping. Again, as with all remakes, I have nothing to say

Our Skyy 2 - PATPRAN!!! PHUTIAN!! ITS THE RETURN OF OUR KINGS!!! (i'm also excited at the implication of Never Let Me Go finally finishing filming soon so that it airs before this one, i've been waiting for it all year esp since it was apparently supposed to air this september) And finally...

Only Friends - The ultimate mess. I made a flow chart just to be able to try and sort out the mess of relationships just in the trailer, and all I can say is I know this show is going to be a wild freaking ride, from start to finish. Neo is the drama, KhaoFirst have the best chemistry in the cast, and this is going to bang. Period

TLDR I'm most excited for/most likely to watch Double Savage, Our Skyy 2, Dangerous Romance, Only Friends, 23.5, Hidden Agenda

(I know this long ass post isn't what you asked for, but it's what you're getting)

BONUS

Never Let Me Go (Finally airing in 2023 hopefully)

Moonlight Chicken (Finally airing soon, either end 2022 or early 2023)

The Interest (new movie with Bright and Yaya)

[nadana-vhet]

Hello all I’m back with more Alisaie/N’adana content!

Ship: Alisaie x Teen!WoL

Characters: Alisaie, Alphinaud, Raubahn, + N’adana Vhet. Mentioned: Tataru.

Timeline: Just post-Stormblood!

Teen + Up audiences for just some very minor fantasizing on Alisaie’s part.

Alisaie takes some advice from the Warrior of Light in order to impress her.

https://archiveofourown.org/works/30623006

[sendme-2hell]

totally biased and unhinged wlw book recomendations list

Happy Pride! I have over 80 books in my “sapphic” goodreads list and these are my personal favs…I don’t have the energy to type actual descriptions but here are the first things that came to my mind with some of them. enjoy. or don’t. to be clear most of these are NOT romances. that’s a different genre and I feel like sometimes ppl get annoyed that the queer sci fi book had more sci fi than romance…but it’s just how it is. ** **

Literature/misc 

Stone Butch Blues - Leslie Feinberg

REQUIRED READING FOR ALL

fictionalized history of a working class jewish queer person and their experiences with lesbian bars, transitioning, unions, and more!

extremely heart breaking but I learned a lot of history I didn’t realize I didn’t know* **Last Night at the Telegraph Club-Malinda Lo **

main character is a chinese-american lesbian coming of age in the 1950′s in san francisco

she forms a sort of relationship with a girl in class and they go to a lesbian bar secretly

can’t recommend enough!  

Her Body and Other Parties - Carmen Maria Machado

Carmen Maria Machado is the GOAT. Her writing is just incredible and some of these stories are haunting.

single handedly made me like short stories.

both Lucy Dacus and Phoebe Bridgers listed it as one of their favs. I Know the End is based on a story from this book.

contains a Law and Order: SVU fanfic which HAUNTS me* 

In The Dream House - Carmen Maria Machado

a genuinely heartbreaking book about abuse in queer relationships

semi autobiographical/looking at histories of abuse

Everyone in this room will someday be dead - Emily Austin

if you struggle with anxiety or/and depression and a fixation on death and/or illness, boy do I have the book for you.

Painfully relatable but also very funny. in a laugh at your own pain kinda way. and the main character is a lesbian in a relationship. I truly love this book and highly recommend.

I had it on my tbr for a year and when I finally started I finished it in one sitting. 

No One Belongs Here More Than You - Miranda July

definitely an acquired taste but one of my favorite books of all time.

a bunch of short stories focusing on loneliness

many queer characters in the stories

The First Bad Man - Miranda July

a dowdy, depressed, anxious woman is asked to house her boss’ aggressive, sexual, and comparatively young daughter (20′s)

they start beating each other up

that leads to other activities

I cried so hard reading this book. That might just be a personal thing though.

It is gay and it is amazing but also it broke my heart. It’s also completely unhinged. can’t recommend more. 

Disobedience - Naomi Alderman

I did not expect to like this as much as I did. I hated the author’s other book. But I really liked about 90% of Disobedience. Really interesting look at religion and conformity. 

The Rehearsal - Eleanor Catton

another unhinged classic. A lot of my literary recs are a bit unhinged.

def not a romance.

A book about the weird relationship teachers have with their students, specifically in music and theatre. Touches on themes of consent and abuse, as well as sexuality and power dynamics. 

My Education - Susan Choi

Book about a woman who falls in love with her professor’s wife but the woman won’t commit to her. that’s kinda the whole story.

9/10 would recommend but that’s just me

end made me angry ngl

The Miseducation of Cameron Post - emily m. danforth

from the movie trailers I thought this book was about cameron at a conversion camp, but it’s about way more than that. and only maybe 1/5 of the book takes place at the camp.

Liked it way more than I thought I would! 

My Brilliant Friend - Elena Ferrante

sooooo this book isn’t explicitly queer but ok actually it is and I will fight anyone on this. my favorite book series ever so it must be on the list.

this book has everything: explorations of class dynamics, italian language discourse, academic rivalry, shoe drama, explorations of gender dynamics, dolls, kinda mean main character, obsession, very internal main characters

The Lying Life of Adults - Elena Ferrante

this book IS explicitly queer and literally when the fuck is the sequel coming out?

has many of the same themes as MBF. I am a whore for Elena Ferrante so had to put it on the list but I wouldn’t say either of the books are like SCREAMING explicitly wlw content. but it does inform many of the actions of the characters*

Thriller/Horror/dark

They Never Learn - Layne Fargo

when I say this book changed my life

sometimes a hot bi lit professor ruthlessly murdering rapists on campus is the catharsis one needs

the inverse of bury your gays

this book made me so happy

Plain Bad Heroines - emily m. danforth

polyamory, horror, so many footnotes, every character in this book is gay and there are so many characters

the moral of the story is polyamory? I think

The Luminous Dead - Caitlin Starling

this is a really claustrophobia-inducing book about a woman who goes into a cave lead only by this asshole woman who really doesn’t care for her well being…they sort of trauma bond? I loved it.

you will NOT catch me cave diving

 Women in Gray - K.D. Rye

very dark book about a woman who’s girlfriend is an evil scientist who has created a technology that can control her and how she escapes

Sci-Fi:

One Last Stop - Casey Mcquiston

look this book isn’t for everyone and theres a lot of discourse but here’s why I loved it: time travel, public transportation, wlw, Lost references 

 A Memory Called Empire - Arkady Martine

an incredible book about assimilation in an empire

very funny and great worldbuilding/culture building

has really interesting themes and the sequel is even better imo

the main relationship is between two women and it is very connected to the themes of assimilation and personhood but also a cute relationship 

The Space Between Worlds - Micaiah Johnson

what if the multiverse was discovered but to travel to a parallel universe you can only do it if you’re dead in that universe. otherwise you will instantly die

so who do they chose to do multiversal travel? the disenfranchised because they are more likely to be dead in other universes

book very much delves into themes of class and race.

I’m obsessed with the budding relationship between the mc and her “handler”.

misunderstanding taken to a whole new level

Gideon The Ninth - Tamsyn Muir

what if necromancers were in space and they were all kinda catholic but also queer 

don’t make the mistake I did and not read it because it has a man’s name as the title. Gideon is a lesbian

Fantasy: 

When the Tiger Came Down the Mountain - Nghi Vo

what if there was a sexy tiger lady

lots of important themes 

The Witches Heart - Genevieve Gornichec

like Circe or the Penelopiad but for Norse Myths and the mc has a girlfriend

Black Sun - Rebecca Roanhorse

great fantasy book that is based not on eurocentric standards

lots of different queer characters

I kinda forgot the plot but I remember there was a bi mermaid and some priests and i liked it a lot

The Broken Earth Trilogy - NK Jemisin

not actually sapphic (except a very side character) but it is very queer and also one of the best fantasy books EVER so it goes on the list

what if the oppressed really were dangerous? would it be ethical to oppress them? (the answer is no)

the oppressed in this case are earth benders

very dark when you connect the story to real world atrocities

The Traitor Baru Cormorant - Seth Dickinson

the first in a so-far-great series about the horrors of colionalism/imperialism and one very fucked up girl’s journey to avenge/save her island

one of my favs and very gay but also will make you cry

the series as a whole has a LOT of great queer women in it

will make u so depressed about historical and current atrocities

She Who Became the Sun - Shelley Parker Chan

china in 1300s and a girl takes the place of her brother and claims his destiny

mc is actually more of nonbinary

great writing. highly reccomend

The Unbroken-C.L. Clark

another book about colonialism

mc is a soldier who ends up working for the ruler’s niece who is trying to stop a rebellion

lots of ethical questions about loyalty and such. lots of drama. don’t get me wrong it has a lot of queer stuff too 

The Jasmine Throne - Tasha Suri

the world is based on histories of India 

a magical woman and an ambitious princess form a shaky alliance 

[5raysofsunshine]

Just Say Yes - Penemily x reader fluff (platonic)

Description: Penelope and Emily comfort you after a break up. 💔

Rating: G. I don’t think there’s even any cursing in this lol.

Wrote this to be a bit cathartic but I hope you enjoy it! 

This is my 2nd fic I’ve ever posted but don’t worry friends there are going to be plenty more coming your way! I’m making this the first fic I post for @sweetprentiss’s Emily Prentiss Birthday Bingo challenge (yes I know it’s not romantic/definitively sapphic BUT if I do a part two it will be more noticeable I promise 😊)! Plus I’m hoping to complete as many fics for this challenge as I possibly can because Emily deserves 💕ALL THE LOVE💕, so be on the look out for more emily prentiss fics coming your way!

Big thanks to my amazing friends iv 🍭 @sweetprentiss and ari 🧸 @imaslutforemilyprentiss​ for helping me out by encouraging and supporting me and reading this thing before I posted it lol. I love and appreciate you guys so much! 🥰🥰🥰

---

As you pull open one of the double doors of the BAU entrance, you can't help but notice that the glass door seems a bit heavier this morning. Probably due to the fact that your body feels weak from running on only 3 hours of sleep. You were tossing and turning all night, your mind wouldn't stop racing.

You had spent a good part of your evening breaking up with your significant other. It was a conversation you had wanted to happen for a while, but sadly she was not very receptive. You two had been having problems on and off for the past year, but things had been getting worse and worse the last couple months. The issues you had were not getting resolved, and you were starting to feel dejected and burnt out. You couldn't help how you felt, and you didn't want things to continue to get worse for either of you. It took several attempts at honest communication and lots of patience since there was a lot of crying, but finally your partner realized that the best thing to do was to just let you go.

The interaction took so much energy out of you that currently all you feel is tired and empty. You almost called your unit chief to tell her you couldn't come in today, but you knew that being alone wasn't the best option. Also, you won't admit it but you'd miss seeing the faces of your fellow team members. Everyone has been so nice and yet also incredibly intimidating as far as their intelligence and experience. You've only been working with them for six months now, and you'd hate for something as inconvenient as your break up to keep you from being there for your team. 

You gulp down the last ounce of your red bull before tossing it in the trash can next to your desk. Your body feels a bit too warm in your jacket so you begin to strip yourself of it, hanging it on the back of your chair. You can hear your heart beating in your ears, the organ pumping quickly. You're not sure if your heart is racing due to the caffeine coursing through your veins, or the anxiety of having to face your coworkers when you know you can't hide how you feel right now. 

“Hey sugar plum, how are you doin’ this fine Monday morning?”

You look up from your desk to see Penelope, the team's tech analyst, standing next to your chair. As soon as you lock eyes with her, you watch the smile disappear from her face.

“Oh honey... no offense but you look positively dreadful!”

You nervously crimp your lips together, eyes shifting to the ground to take in the image of Penelope's shiny purple pumps. “Yeah, I uh... I had a rough night.”

A shiver runs through your body as you sense the AC kick in and push cold air throughout the bullpen. You decide to slip your arms back into your jacket, pulling it snugly around your shoulders. 

Penelope pouts, “What happened to make my little miss newbie lose her sparkle?”

You can’t help but smile at Penelope’s sweet words, but the tightness in your chest makes it disappear rather quickly. “Um... can we talk about it in the bat cave?” You suggest to the blonde woman as the need for privacy to talk about this raw subject becomes a necessity. You didn’t want to cry in the middle of the bullpen.

“Absolutely, please follow me!” Penelope offers her hand out for you to take before guiding you towards her office.

Once you two arrive at Penelope’s office, she shuts the door behind you. 

“Alright peanut, have a seat. Tell Penelope what happened.” The blonde woman plops down in her cushioned wheely chair, patting the seat of a neighboring chair.

You roll the empty chair closer towards you to sit down. You take a deep breath, trying to figure out how to talk about the break up without letting your emotions flood out. But you can’t help the tears that start to well up in your eyes when you begin to speak, “So um... my partner and I broke up last night.”

“Oh no!” Penelope’s hands fly up to her cheeks, her lips parted and brows furrowed. “Oh y/n, sweetheart I am so sorry! I know you’ve mentioned you two had been having trouble the past couple months, but it’s still sad when a relationship has to end.”

“Yeah...” You clench your jaw, feeling a heat starting to spread across your face as you try to remain calm while you prepare to explain what happened. This isn’t the first time you’ve confided in Penelope. She is the one person on the team you feel closest to, the tech analyst is just so friendly and you can’t help but gravitate towards her bright happy demeanor like a bug to a light. Despite your nerves about opening up to your fellow teammates, Penelope always manages to make you feel safe to share things about yourself. Especially things that are causing you grief. Sadly you can’t help but wish that you felt that way with your partner... well, your ex partner now.

“So what happened? Spill the tea, girlfriend! I mean, only if you want to because you totally don’t have to if you don’t want to. Only if you’re comfortable! Though you did say you wanted to talk about it so I guess you are but-”

“Garcia, calm down! I’ll tell you, but I need you to be patient with me. It’s all so... fresh. You’re right. It’s sad that our relationship ended. But... it needed to happen.”

Penelope nods, “I am ready to listen whenever you are ready to talk about it.”

You take a deep breath before parting your lips to speak. “So, I tried yet again to communicate with her about how unhappy I’ve been and why. I wasn’t trying to be condescending or mean in bringing things up again, I just felt like I wasn’t being heard when we had talked about things before. Of course, she didn’t take it well and acted like I was being unfair and inconsiderate of her feelings. But the truth is that I’ve always been considerate of her feelings, way too much in fact.”

Penelope’s head tilts to the side, “How so?”

You shift in your chair, crossing your legs and fidgeting with your hands. “Well, in the past when I tried to communicate with her about if I was upset about something she said or did, she would get so upset and make it about her.” The tears start gathering in your eyes, a couple of them falling and landing on your cheeks. “She’d spiral and take things so hard, saying things like ‘you’re right, I can do better, I’m a bad girlfriend, I’m a bad person’ which made me feel terrible for even saying anything so I’d push my feelings aside in order to help her feel better.”

Penelope shakes her head back and forth, “But you shouldn’t have had to do that, y/n! You shouldn’t have to make yourself small just so your partner could be comfortable! Because that means your hurt feelings never got taken care of... you never got taken care of because you had to take care of her. And that’s not fair at all!”

Suddenly, there’s a knock on the door before it opens. Emily Prentiss, your unit chief, peeks her head into the room.

“Hey Pen, have you seen...” Emily’s voice trails off when she sees you. You quickly wipe your tears away with the sleeve of your jacket, sniffling to clear your runny nose.

“Y/n, what’s wrong?” Emily asks, stepping into the room and softly closing the door behind her.

You shake your head, shifting in your chair to stand, "Nothing Prentiss, I'm-"

"Oh no no no! You remain seated young lady! You are not allowed to hide your feelings from the boss lady just because she's the boss lady!" Penelope wags her finger at you before pointing up at Emily.

You glance up at the older brunette, who walks further into the room to stand next to Penelope. Your eyes flick back to the tech analyst, sighing heavily before slumping back into your chair. While crimping your lips together you cross your arms and look at Penelope with a silent plea to tell Emily instead of you having to say it once more. Thankfully, she gets the hint.

“Y/n and her partner broke up last night... it didn’t go well.”

"Oh..." Emily's brows furrow as she nibbles on her bottom lip, her eyes glancing down to the floor briefly before reconnecting them with yours. "I’m sorry to hear that.”

Emily leans back against Penelope’s desk, placing her hand on the blonde’s shoulder. “What do you need? How can we help?”

You shake your head, “I don’t know. What’s done is done, you know? I just... I have all of these feelings that haven’t been properly dealt with for years. I have so much frustration built up after not getting my needs met and feeling like what I wanted didn’t matter... and I don't know how to alleviate it.” 

Emily nods, “I understand. We are here for you, y/n. If you need anything, even if it’s just a listening ear-”

“Or a shoulder to cry on!” Penelope interrupts, “We are here for you.”

You smile, wiping more tears from your cheeks. “Thank you guys... I really appreciate it. I’m sorry to dump this on you-”

“Oh no no no, don’t you start that missy! You are not burdening or inconveniencing us with your problems.”

Emily nods, stepping closer to you. “We care about you, y/l/n. Please believe that. I know I’m your boss, but I trust that you know how much you matter to me and the rest of the team.”

You gasp softly, genuinely being shocked by the brunette’s statement. “I... I matter to you guys?”

Emily and Penelope exchange a look, eyes glancing back and forth between you and each other before Emily speaks, “Well of course you do! You may be new to the team, but you’ve been a great help to this unit. I’m very proud of you and grateful for your dedication and assistance.”

Penelope chimes in, “Absolutely! I am also very proud of you and super happy that you’re here! You’re a good person, my sweet. You have sunshine energy! And it makes me so sad to see you like this. All cloudy and less... shiny.”

You nod, “Trust me, I wish I was less cloudy. But it is what it is. I’ll be okay.”

Penelope nods, a silence falling over the three of you for a moment before Penelope dramatically gasps and flaps her hands. It causes both you and Emily to jump slightly.

“Oh oh oh! How about the three of us go out tonight and focus on helping you feel better! Maybe we can figure out some ways to relieve you of all your pent up angsty feelings! Ways that involve drinks with salt on the rim and tiny umbrellas!”

Emily grins, “I think that’s a great idea, Pen! Come on y/n, what do you say?”

"Oh, uh, you guys are too nice... but I don’t think-"

"No buts! Just say yes!”

You bite your bottom lip in contemplation. A fun night out with two gorgeous women you work with/for? Sounds like it’s just what you need to distract yourself and hopefully release all the stress and anxiety you have over the break up. You watch as Penelope and Emily stare at you with excited expressions. You lick your lips before grinning up at your fellow agents, “Okay! Let’s do it!”

Penelope squeals in delight before jumping out of her chair and enveloping you in a warm hug. “OMG I’m so excited! We haven’t had a proper girls night with you yet,, and now we’re doing it! Oh this is going to be so much fun!”

You laugh as you hug Penelope back, reveling in the physical contact. Penelope peers her head back towards Emily, “Get in here Em, y/l/n deserves more hug power!”

Emily chuckles before walking towards you and Penelope, wrapping her arms around you both. You are now enveloped in warmth and the sweet scents of their perfumes fill your nostrils. The tension in your shoulders melts away as you allow yourself to relax in their arms.

Emily pulls away after a couple seconds and pats Penelope on the shoulder, “You gotta let her go honey, I need you both to get back to work.”

Penelope groans, “But she’s so huggable I don’t wanna let her go!”

You can't help the giggle that escapes your lips as Penelope squeezes a bit harder, finding the blonde's action quite endearing.

Emily chuckles, “Garcia, you’re gonna suffocate the poor girl and we can’t lose any more agents! We need her!”

All three of you laugh with each other for a moment before Penelope reluctantly lets you go and steps back.

You smile, “Thanks again you guys. I feel so much better now.”

Emily nods her head, “Good! Now let’s get through the rest of the day so we can have some fun tonight!”

Penelope straightens her posture and clicks her heels together, “Yes ma’am, right away ma’am!”

Emily holds the door open for you and as you get ready to exit the office you feel her hand touch the small of your back, guiding you out. Penelope follows behind you both, stopping at the doorway to watch as you and Emily walk side by side down the hallway. “Bye my loves! See you later! Don’t work too hard!”

Emily gently pats and rubs your shoulder before you part ways, “I’ll check on you later, okay?”

You nod, “Thanks Prentiss.” 

You walk back to your desk as you watch the unit chief ascend up the stairs to her office. The sadness you felt earlier has now been soothed and replaced with excitement for being with Penelope and Emily for a whole night of fun.

---

Thanks for taking the time to read! Hope you liked it! 

Please like/reblog! I truly appreciate any notes I can get lol! 😁

Also let me know if anyone is interested in a part 2 because I’ll definitely try to make it happen if you want it (and it’ll be less platonic, currently thinking about how I’d want to introduce the romantic/sapphic vibes into the story 👀)!

Till next time, my friends! ✌

[oficmag]

Contributor Spotlight: Mimi

Now that Issue #1 is live, we at OFIC Mag are excited to shine a light on some of the amazing contributors from our inaugural issue. We hope you all love them as much as we do!

Today’s spotlight is on Mimi | @pcandaa, who wrote “i want to get away (you make me want to stay)” for Issue #1.

Tell us a bit about yourself!

Wow. Head empty no thoughts. Why is this question so hard? 

By day I work in gender justice (the field that kid-me said I would never enter), and by night I write sapphic and other kinds of queer fiction, mostly romances, but I've been trying to craft a thriller lately, and it's been interesting. Aside from writing, I like playing boardgames with my friends weekly, trying to convince my knees that I can run cross country again like I used to, and listening to history podcasts. I also do art when I have more than two seconds to spare, and I'm still gunning towards being exhibited someday. 

How did you find fandom?

Through Harry Potter, in 2006. I used to lurk on a website called harrypotterfanfiction.com (which afaik is being imported into AO3 now). Then I discovered fanfic.net, and then later AO3. 

I started posting fanfic on AO3 for Jane the Virgin in 2016, and wrote fics for All For One (the webseries—go check it out it's cool!) and some other small, niche fandoms. 

What fandom are you in now and what brought you here?

I currently almost exclusively read Supercorp fanfic and do very little else, and I hate to say it, but racism brought me here—I adore Avatar: The Last Airbender and Legend of Korra, but fandom is never really a safe space for fans of colour, and the casual racism implicit in many LoK fics threw me off and stopped me from being able to read most fanfic for it. 

I wanted to continue reading decent femslash, but without having to deal with the racism, hence my pivot to a fandom with two white women placed front and centre. I don't watch Supergirl and never intend to, but I've found several amazing AUs that I've enjoyed deeply over the years, though I'll always wish we had the same energy for non-white characters. 

My experience with ATLA and LoK threw me off participating too deeply in fandom in general, especially for shows with women of colour, so I lurk and enjoy fanart and not much else.

What’s your favorite book of all time and what do you love about it?

I don't think I have a singular favourite book of all time, but a few highlights over the past couple of years would be: 

The Sea and Stars Trilogy by SD Simper: Absolutely sizzling chemistry between the leads of the likes I have rarely read before. Plot is also gripping AF. SD Simper can really tell a story. 

Gideon the Ninth by Tasmyn Muir: Gideon is possibly my favourite protagonist ever, she's hilarious and mouthy and butch and unabashedly loves women—I want more characters like her! 

The Red Country by jilbrais (Ao3): A stunning prequel to Alice in Wonderland with a gutwrenching story between the Queen of Hearts and the Red Queen—I'd highly recommend it, the prose is beautiful and the story is incredible. 

Honey Girl by Morgan Rogers: That book was written for me, about me, and that is all I have to say about that. More books about black girls that include whimsy and dreams and the agonising reality of unrealised dreams please! I would absolutely read anything else Morgan Rogers writes. 

I also really enjoy Jenny Frame's romance novels, she writes in a way that is so earnest and honest, and she handles narratives of grief and loss extremely well. She's also really good and amping up chemistry between her leads, and of course, each of her books has a butch lead in it, which I absolutely adore.

What projects are you working on right now?

I had a whole thing planned to write more fiction this year and I've since been swamped with research projects and prepping a chapter of my thesis for publication. Some Real World Stuff right there bleargh. Ideally I'd be working on the following original fiction projects: 

See Me In Hindsight: A sapphic Ocean's 11 retelling. Featuring cheek and chaos and some family drama thrown in for fun. 

Tightrope: A woman waits for her spouse to return, only to find that they've brought their dead twin's mistress to the house. The two women tiptoe around each other, each believing the other to be the enemy, but the true enemy in the house is not who they think. 

Untitled Spite Novel: In 2011, a 16-year old is overwhelmed by academic pressure and confides in her teacher. As they begin to grow closer as mentor and mentee, and eventually into something less and less appropriate, the girl is plagued by visions of violence, and the unyielding spectre of a woman with no face. 

Untitled Supernatural Romance: Mehreen Kazi is one of the most powerful vampires in Osower and the High Princess of the Osower Council, but she's broken one of the cardinal tenets of the city: no sex with the humans you feed on. But she can't let the girl go, even though she doesn't know who she is and hasn't seen her face, because the dampners at the feeding house prevent her from doing so. Aisha Isa is a mage who's been searching for the secret to immortality, and finds a temp job PA-ing for Mehreen Kazi, who might have the answer she's been looking for. In the meantime, she's part-timing as a feeder for a high-profile mystery client who's broken one of the city's cardinal rules with her, but Aisha's already too hooked on her to care. As the two of them bicker and clash against each other during the day, unknowingly loving each other at night, Mehreen's sister Mira lurks in the background, waiting for just the right moment to see her fall.

What are your aspirations as a writer, big picture or small?

To experiment with different genres and improve my prose style. I'd love to get published one day, indie or big house doesn't matter, and as a writer based outside the Global North, I know my odds are absolutely stacked against me! But I also want to continue to find joy in creating stories and learning to craft them better and better (and I really, really want Untitled Spite Novel out in the world someday). 

If you could give one piece of advice to beginning writers, what would you tell them?

Write what you like! Write badly! I made this mistake as a young writer because I was too much of a perfectionist to write as often as I needed to. It wasn't till I was in my early 20s that I actually learned to tell a good story because I was writing pretty much anything that came to mind, whether it was good or not, whether I completed it or not. 

The more you write, the more you'll understand your own process, the more you'll learn about what to do and what not to do, and the kind of stories that matter to you. Don't think that your stories don't matter just because you don't see other people telling them. They will always matter. Always remember that.

THANK YOU FOR BEING A PART OF THE OFIC FAMILY, MIMI! WE’RE SO THRILLED TO SHARE YOUR WORK WITH THE WORLD.

[flodaya]

rank new gen characters from your most favorite to least favorite. and why?

this made me realize how I love most of the new gen characters equally so it was super hard to rank

1. fatou - does this need an explanation? I’ve been attached to her since we got to see her ig profile and there was the slightest hint she might be a lesbian. my current favourite comfort character and I feel like part of me can die happy bc she has got the season she deserves

2. kieu my - no one is more surprised than me, before this season I was torn about her bc though I was a kieutou supporter I didn’t know how to feel about kieu my yet but wow I love her. I also relate to her a lot which I guess I could have already figured out last season but seeing her open up and seeing her insecurities really solidified the fact that out of all the new gen characters I see my teenage self most in her

3. josh - there is this running joke in my family that my dad’s favourite character always dies first so when we were watching s5 and he started to vibe with josh I was happy to reassure whim josh won’t die!! druck really has the best love interest (not counting the two white dudes), josh is an absolute treasure and tbh if I could get a season about any love interest it would be him

4. nora - the top four seem obvious because they are the most fleshed out. and nora is no exception, i love how they’ve managed to make her somewhat similar to kiki but she definitely isn’t kiki, she has a completely different personality, you can just feel their same upbringing

5. ava - she is such a strong character who went trhrough so much, no one deserves a season more than her and I will fight you on that. she is such a good and forgiving friend and I can’t wait for the cashqueens to be her ride or die support in s7

6. zoe - this season made me fall completely in love with zoe, how she realized she was being shitty last season, her character growth of drinking less alcohol, being a incredibly supportive best friend to a heartbroken kieu my, the way she developed a friendship with Ava. she is such an underrated character!! I don’t really need a season from her pov but I hope we get to see lots more of her in Ava’s season

7. ismail - I do really want an ismail season though! I’m not yet completely convinced by his character but we are getting there. Ismail is the dramatic bitch rep i need

8. finn - shy king!! he might not speak a lot but when he does he gets the best lines “do you want a beer” “your outfit looks comfy” “constantpain, shut up” bless him! he knows how to find the right words

9. mailin - I’m ambivalent about her, I do like her in the cashqueens dynamic but I’m not super into her as a character, she needs some more growing up

10. yara - all the sapphics can feel the wlw energy

11. constantpain - I respect the actor so much, honestly, the actor is the only reason I do want a redemption arc for him

[gay-ghosts-committing-crimes]

Empty Chairs at Empty Tables

based off of this post by @ificouldtakeusback

AO3 link

Warnings: death and grief, bee mention

Summary: Bobby deals with losing Sunset Curve <3

Writing taglist (ask to be added or removed):  @barrel-of-cat-mituna @completekeefitztrash @tiergan-andrin-alenefar @lemontarto @hershis-kotlc @genesiscaveat @everything-else-and-mars @juline-dizznee @chaotic-basics @an-absolute-travesty @classyfunnyquotesmuffin7 @smolanxiouscatvoids @itstiger720 @introvertedscarecrow @sunset-telepath @an-idiot-in-a-trenchcoat @cowboypossume @anaccidentwaitingtohappen @sofia-not-sophie @fire-sapphics @dr-alan-grant @real-smooth @juline-dizznee

“There’s a grief that can’t be spoken     There’s a pain goes on and on      Empty chairs at empty tables  Now my friends are dead and gone”

~~

The morning arrived like a man condemned to death, slow-plodding and weighed down by guilt... by grief. The night before had been a swirl of energy; the energy of playing The Orpheum, the energy of being together, about to succeed, on the edge of everything they’d dreamed of. And then... the anxious energy and sick-to-the-stomach feeling of knowing something’s not right. A panicked rush to find his bandmates, his friends, because they were about to go on but they weren’t there, they weren’t there and something wasn’t right, something wasn’t-

Then came the sirens. The red and blue lights. The churning in his stomach became a cold stone.

But now Bobby sat alone, the morning sun streaming in like a memorial to the light in their eyes before it was snuffed out, and he didn’t have energy. He didn’t have the energy to feel anymore, he was exhausted.

He reached up to scrub at his face, wiping away tears that had long stopped falling, eyes dry and scratchy from crying until 3 a.m. and not sleeping at all. He wished he could sleep. He wished he could close his eyes and see something other than the bodies of his friends, something other than the way they had died in each others arms, wished he could think about anything other than the fact that he’d never hug them again or play music with them until his fingers bled and his throat was hoarse and his face sore from smiling.

He just sat. Alone. Exhausted.

The garage-made-studio was silent around him, and he longed to scream. Scream because he was never getting them back, scream because he was hurting, scream scream scream because the studio wasn’t meant to be quiet. It was meant to be filled with life and sound and four boys who loved each other in a way their ‘real’ families never would, playing music and goofing off and being together. It wasn’t meant for a single boy too tired to even cry anymore.

~~

“Here they talked of revolution   Here it was they lit the flame Here they sang about tomorrow    And tomorrow never came

   From the table in the corner  They could see a world reborn And they rose with voices ringing     And I can hear them now!”

~~

Bobby grabbed another box and shoved on top of one he had already stacked, angry tears burning behind his eyes. He hated this room and he hated this garage and he hated that he was alive and his friends were dead and he hated the fact that he was expected to be okay.

Because he wasn’t. He wasn’t okay and he had watched his friends take their last breaths and maybe if he was there sooner they would be alive, but it didn’t matter because they were gone and he wasn’t okay.

He grabbed another box and choked back a sob, anger and guilt and mourning caught and tangled in his chest like a swarm of bees swarming in his lungs until he felt suffocated and smothered. He tripped over a box and bit back a scream, choosing instead to kick at the box before falling to his knees. He couldn’t do this. He was just a kid, and he couldn’t do this.

The tears fell, hot and messy and his voice was choked and gasping, nose snotty and eyes red. Was it less than a week ago that the four of them had stood, side by side, in this very place? Singing and laughing together because they were doing it, they were finally making their place in the world! They were going to turn the music industry on its head and become something.

Bobby remembered how it had started; he and Reggie were the first to meet. They learned guitar together, they sung and played and thought ‘maybe this could be something’. And then Luke came with his voice and guitar and it was something. It was incredible and it was new and they found a place that could be their own and they claimed it for themselves, claimed it for who they were and who they were going to be. And then Alex... Alex with his anxious hands and killer drums came along and suddenly Bobby had a family again.

He remembered the late evenings of lukewarm pizza and song-writing challenges and four boys who were in love with music. It was freedom and it was flying and it was loving and being loved for who you were and not because you were what people wanted from you. It was four boys singing their hearts out. Singing their lives. Their hopes.

They had sung about their future, and now they didn’t even have one.

~~

“The very words that they had sung     Became their last communion         On this lonely barricade                     At dawn

Oh my friends, my friends forgive me      That I live and you are gone  There's a grief that can't be spoken     There's a pain goes on and on”

~~

Bobby thrashed, sweat dripping down his face and his eyes flew open, chest heaving and heart racing. He groaned and rubbed a hand over his face, sighing when he realized he was too tightly wound to go back to sleep. Reluctantly, he got out of bed, tugging on a light sweatshirt and grabbing his guitar before slipping out of his room and heading out.

The night air was muggy and thick, but chilly enough that he was glad he remembered to put something on over his t-shirt. The walk to their... his studio was mostly quiet save for the rare passing of cars, and he let himself get lost in the way the stop-lights reflected in the water on the road, a broken and distorted portrayal of their mirror image. It’s like him, he thinks, and wishes he wasn’t a seventeen year-old boy who had to think of things in terms of ‘Before’ and ‘After’.

He finally got to the studio and slammed the door behind him. It wasn’t like he was going to be quiet when he practiced anyway.

The music started soft. Started gentle and intriguing, and then began to harden, to twist into something loud and broken. It was jagged and hurting and Bobby sang till his throat was dry, like maybe if he sang hard enough they would come back, like maybe if he ruined his voice he wouldn’t have to live with what his best friends had died for, like maybe the universe would bend its uncaring ear and hear him, hear his grief and anger and grant him some semblance of peace, something like an ending.

He played for hours, the pads of his fingers sore, his voice choked and strained from yelling the lyrics, but he kept on. He kept on because when he played it was like the ghosts of them stayed behind to listen.

Luke would be grinning from somewhere beside him, hands moving deftly over his own guitar, Reggie beside him getting flustered when Bobby winked and then playing an incredible riff despite it, and Alex behind them, his hands playing magic on his set, smile wide as he enjoyed the music. And Bobby. 

Bobby strumming and looking at his bandmates and maybe it hurt worse when it was all over, losing them again and again every time he stopped playing, but for that brief moment his friends were back and he wasn’t the lonely teenager in an empty garage with only a few boxes around him to remind him of what is was like to have a home in other people. For a brief moment he was ‘Bobbers’ and ‘Bobbins’ and he was winning a tickle fight with Reggie and getting his hair floofed by Luke, for a brief moment he stopped being ‘Bobby, the boy who lost his best friends and bandmates at age seventeen’ and was ‘Bobby, who was getting chided by Alex for putting his stuff everywhere’.

For a brief moment he wasn’t grieving the only people who really knew what it was like to love him.

~~

   “Phantom faces at the window    Phantom shadows on the floor     Empty chairs at empty tables Where my friends will meet no more

          Oh my friends, my friends Don't ask me what your sacrifice was for        Empty chairs at empty tables   Where my friends will sing no more”

~~

Bobby got older and changed his name. He didn’t want to be the boy that lost his friends, the boy left behind, so he became Trevor, a man who wasn’t brokenhearted. 

It didn’t stop him from being brokenhearted though.

He still saw them in everything, and it wasn’t fair. He’d go to the beach to stare at the water only to jerk his head around when he heard Reggie’s laughter. He’d go to a café but when he’d sit down he’d see Alex drumming his fingers on the table, waiting to order, hear Luke rambling excitedly about a new song he was working on.

The boys may have been dead, but he’d never escape their memory.

He could shove it down as hard as he could, but in the end he’d turn around a corner and catch a glimpse of Reggie walking by, he’d be in the grocery store and overhear Alex sassing Luke. It was a never-ending cycle of shock, hope, and then crushing sadness, because it was never them and it never would be.

The beach was always silent, and the chairs were always empty.

Bobby was alone.

[tarantulas4davey]

based on shit I do with my friends vaguely but heres some random newsies headcannons floating around my head, may be back with more later

ralbert breaking into abandoned buildings to find hiding spots to be cute and shit

the newsies squad going to the local park and Jack getting stuck in the baby swing, the others take photos of him (obviously) and then turn the swing upside down to tip him out (this happened today, it was hilarious.)

people think david is the mom friend and is the one to order and talk to people in shops etc but he actually has insane social anxiety and its jack and spot who are the mom friends and do all this

david info dumping the plot of his favourite book onto katherine who listens patiently and asks questions like a good friend. she also does the same about her own interests

jack and spot play fighting constantly but if anyone else hurt either of them it'd be on sight

you know those like basket swings you get? newsbians laying in that together and swinging back and forth peacefully

meanwhile in the background Jack and race are going down the zipline at breakneck speed. at one point they sit on it together and both fall off when it hits the end. Sarah and kath just laugh at them

until next time

-🎧

dearest 🎧, all of these are fucking incredible and i cannot wait for you to send more cause i’m dying

also sorry for being weirdly AWOL for the past few days i’m ✨stressed✨ cause i’m going back to on-campus school for the first time in over a year tomorrow 👁👄👁

- i’ve said it before and i’ll say it again, ralbert and the ghoul boys (ryan and shane from buzzfeed unsolved) have EXACTLY the same energy. but in ralbert case, they’re trying to find ghosts a n d places to hang out and do dumb shit in. there’s so many pictures these idiots being the cutest couple around in like,,,, an abandoned building. there’s also way too many pictures of them being gremlins and bad out of focus snapchat clips of albert threatening ghosts a la shane madej

- jack has, MORE THAN ONCE, gotten stuck in a baby swing. so has race for that matter. the amount of time they’ve posted videos where the camera won’t stop shaking cause they’re laughing to hard while davey stands there like “😐🤦‍♀️” and jack is stuck in a baby swing is ridiculous

- davey is the type of mom friend that ALWAYS has a bag full of everything anyone could possibly need (this is a homosexual man that carries tampons in his messenger bag, i said what i said) but the group is almost evenly split with introverts and extroverts, with jack and spot being the ones most willing to order for their friends. i see this as a jack thing more than anything, but spot or race would both offer to order food for their friends if jack wasn’t there.

- beautiful. incredible. immaculate. more 👏 davey 👏 and 👏 katherine 👏 friendship 👏 headcanons 👏 i love them SO MUCH. davey rants about book plots and hyper specific animal facts and katherine rants about movies/tv show plots. both of them go to eachother to rant about news stories and controversies and stuff cause they’re besties like that

- they have that “hate like a sibling” relationship. jack and spot will take ANY opportunity to absolutely wreck the other (verbally and physically, they roast eachother constantly and just straight up wrestle at least twice a day) but the SECOND anyone outside of their friend group tries to do the same thing they’re first in line to defend eachother

- YESYESYESYESYES ok this also conjured a separate but very similar image in my brain. so yk those hanging egg shaped basket chair things???

THIS ^^^ yeah katherine has one hanging from her ceiling in the corner of her food and sometimes her and sarah will just sit all tangled up in it while the sun comes in through the window and- *sapphic sigh* n e w s b i a n s

the idea of jack and race on a zip line both stresses me out and makes me laugh SO HARD. also i’m adding albert to this cause he would go down the zip line with race on his back and you cannot convince me otherwise. davey is trapped in a loop of worrying and laughing once he knows they don’t injure themselves.

✨until next time✨ (which i will be awaiting cause these are GREAT)

[helahades]

By the Water Fountain

(Natasha Romanova x Black!Fem!Reader)

A/N: This is my entry into @fanfictionaries trope challenge! I sort of completely twisted the prompt up. Mine was Best Friend’s Brother.

This fic doubles as a songfic for Water Fountain by Alec Benjamin.

I recommend listening to that song before reading. ( on youtube // on spotify )

Warnings: Red Room like abuse. Codependency. Trauma. Angst. Rejection. Seriously, abuse. Everyone is abused. Injury. Dissociation. Trauma.

Word Count: 3.4k

—

Under a blended peach sky, and during the in between that hangs both the sun and moon, a pretty girl is thinking about her soft and unshakable love for you.

Practice is over, and you’re smiling, looking out across the courtyard from where you sit with Natasha on the fountain’s edge.

“Do’ya ever want to get married, Natalia?”

When you say her name, it’s tangy and sharp, the Russian way, with a hint of Spanish, but gentle all the same. A drip of nectarine streams over your lip and down your chin, and you don’t even catch and cover it like you might if you weren’t high on dreams.

This dance academy seems like forever sometimes—its been years of your life since they demanded your recruitment—but you always take time to dream. If you don’t, Nat won’t, and her unspoken appreciation of your hope keeps the both of you warm.

At first, because she can’t help it, she thinks about marrying you, as if that’s what you meant.

“Maybe someday, I guess,” comes a thoughtful monotone that only Nat can conjure, “Why—you thinking about marrying Alec?”

“God no,” you huff, cuddling into her shoulder as the fruit goes bitter. She opens up to you physically in a minute way, receiving your warmth and closeness despite the neutrality of the coming breeze.

“Well...I just don’t know actually,” you continue, “The two of us fell in love way too young, you know… And I needed him then, so maybe it was more like dependence.”

Shifting on the cool stone of the fountain's edge, you are suddenly aware of the way the tights sit on the skin of your thighs, stretching with each movement.

It becomes hard not to think about the love shell you’re trapped in. Everyone at the academy has found a different way to cope, and for some, including the you of the past, that meant lying with someone just to remember intimacy.

That was before. Before you knew the meaning of the word, and before after dance practice naps in your little haven turned into kissing and heat and softness.

Some days, swaddled up and tangled with the other, you would press kisses under Nat’s jaw, where she smelled like cinnamon and flowers and fabric softener, and she would giggle like the world never gave any weight to feeling. She would dance her fingers along your spine when the peach stretched into moonlight, and the darkness would stun her into remembering you’re promised to another. Her brother.

“Sometimes, Nat…I think I love you instead, and that kinda scares me.”

You look at her, you squeeze the sour fruit.

She says nothing.

Her rejection is acid to your soul.

—

Shadows and blown glass and dried petals and the wood of your apartment at sunset.

It all runs through Natasha’s mind in a haze when she begins to think about the energy here and why she loves it, and why it feels so secret. She doesn’t go this far, but it all feels like sapphic poetry that a man might try to capture, but would never understand if he barged in here. It’s a secret world made for fond hearts.

When the both of you are here, you can pretend that your instructor doesn’t make you repeat across the floor routines til you bleed, or that you haven’t been criticized to the point of tears and vice. You shed the day together, so that when the masks go on in the morning, they aren’t shoved away by the bends of emotion. You touch and whisper and still yourselves passionately, being at one with dancing dust and ticking clocks.

Some days, you can’t explain, but she always understands, it’s easier to lie still and it feels like autonomy after a day of being forced to move. You can’t stop stretching your ankles and marking routines, and some nights you wake sobbing when the transition of a routine leaves you. But she’s here, like she always is, as you are for her.

You remind her to eat, when to stop, and when to put on clothes when the AC chill rattles too bitingly. You dream for her, until she can do it alone, and her soft grins grow into beaming cheesy smiles.

When you kiss her, she’s sweet. Her lips are plump and hydrated (because you can only stop dancing to drink water) and she makes soft sweet sounds against you that run down your throat and into your heart.

When she kisses you, she’s breathless, and she remembers all the ways you taught her to dream. She likes to hold your hand and kiss you languidly or sharply, like you have all the time, or none of it. Hands pushing up tank tops, thighs between each other, collarbone kisses, then Alec. He comes to take Nat home, to tell her it’s time to go, and he kisses you hard and scratchy before slamming the door, stealing your peace, and shattering your haven.

—

It’s not that you don’t like Alec. You did at one point, even feel in love with him. His energy is as strong as his body, and he seems to comically be everything Natasha isn’t. He fills rooms with overwhelming charm, his dancing is sharp, agile, cutting through the air like licks of flame.

You prefer to see Natasha dance in her tortured grace, she can be quick, but when allowed, her grace is slow like a bloom and moves outward from her form.

Natasha and Alec both have learned how to play this system. They’re both clever and witty, but Natasha is the best because of natural skill, while Alec is exceptional because he still runs the sibling rival race that Natasha dropped from years ago.

Alec plays everything to win, he is outwardly passionate, and to be the focus of his attentions is a life secured in… something. You love him in the way that you must love someone that is good enough, that can get you out of here.

If Natasha would say the word, you would leave him. She doesn’t hesitate because of some familial loyalty. Her brother isn’t a jerk, necessarily, just oblivious to the finer things. Nothing about the unique circumstances they’ve survived together brought them closer together as siblings. Natasha didn’t know that hurt people could heal from two into one. She didn’t know people should have someone to confide in, and you don’t really either.

Alec is just… a pleaser. A source of abject power in social circles. He rides the line of knowing how to deliver performance, but knowing which one will get the right results. He controls. And he is incredibly hedonistic. It’s hard not to compare this with how you and your best friend only try to pleasure the other. She lives for your smiles, even if they’re just chemical, and even if she has to squint for them in the moonlight.

There’s just something about having someone who knows hurt in the same way as you without explanation. You scratch a line in the baseboard by your door when one of you sprains or breaks an ankle again from the incessant repetitions forced upon you at the academy. You’re both fucked up enough to laugh about it.

You roll frozen water bottles over knots and stretch through the resistance of scar tissue. When the sky falls into the time of buttery peach, she falls into you, warm like sunset and lovers’ candles. You like to kiss between her thighs, where she smells sweet like sugar cane, even like bubbly hand soap, and you kiss the moons where her nails dug into her thighs too hard when she tried not to let the instructor make her cry. In the soft tissue of your underarms, when you fold over her, sometimes you feel the gentle drag of her body’s scattered hairs. And it’s intimate in ways unspeakable.

She’s pink everywhere. In her cheeks, in the reflection of her hair on the walls, between her thighs, and her lips. She feels vulnerable with you. It’s enjoyable in a way she resists some days. Reminds her of getting tickled. She hates it just like she hates not being able to pull the thread back that unwinds from her heart, and the way she opens when you smile at her.

It’s intimate and innocent the way you learn how another woman’s body can be different. The rounds of your nipples are wider, darker, softer in their edges. The curls of the hair on your mound roll into you, framing you, while Natasha’s aim down, straight, the way rain points down windows. Your eyes are honeyed caramel, Natasha’s are the splashes from the water fountain. You could look at each other forever. But you don't. You have class in the morning.

A frigid and grating rap of knuckles lets you know Alec is here. Shooting up, it’s a flurry of sweatpants and tossed scrunchies, a routine you and your best friend know too well. When you come to the door, he pushes in like he does, kisses you with the sharp grating of his newly shaved face. He groans into it, pulling you in with a scoop of a muscled arm. When he pulls away, your head drops. You can’t see her cat eyes, her firey hair, her composed face wearing its mask before she really should.

“Nat. Walk yourself alone, tonight,” Alec commands into the night, eyeing you with the calm and cool intent of predation, freezing the wax of your candles. The crickets seem too hush outside.

Nat makes for the door, with a face that reads as stoic to anyone who can’t read the slight upward curl of her lips. She pulls the ends up like strings, lest they melt into a grimace in front of this man made of fire.

“Are you sure”—

You knew it was futile before you began. He raises an eyebrow like you’re crazy, and she’s looking back, just for a second, eyes like oceans, before she picks up her bag and is out the door, walking brusquely across the quad.

You wish the chill had swallowed you instead. That you had slammed the door.

Motions happen.

You pull off your shirt, because he never knows how, he carries you to your little bed. His belt buckle hits the floor like a gunshot, and when he crawls over you, you stare at the ceiling.

—

“Baby,” he nudges.

When he touches you, you leap out of the fog, sleep leaving in a gasp.

He knows.

When he passed out without learning to perfectly spot during fouettés, they dumped buckets of ice water on his bare back. Poked him in the ribs for not improving his cambré. Made him balance relevé in the snow, naked, for falling out of it on an off day. You know why he’s the best. And it’s not because he wants to be.

“I’m sorry,” he whispers, accent tumbling. He rolls closer to where you sit, hands pulling your waist til you’re close enough to gather in his arms. He tugs you to lie with him. It’s comfortable enough.

“Baby,” he starts again, massaging a welt on your shoulder, “we need to get out of here.”

You want to scream at how obvious it is. You think about how you’ve cried it on your bathroom floor. How Natasha would say “One day.”

“And baby,” he whispers again, soft like he can’t stop, always, every night, “we’re doing it together.”

He presses a ring into your hand. It might not fit, it’s most likely stolen. But that’s not the point.

“I love you.”

The innocence has left.

—

The sun has risen, the sky is white like it’s running off a dandelion, and you’re in class.

Rose. Roza. You’re the rose, the pretty flower, paired with fire for a man.

You’re in the middle of a showcase—new dancers, new victims watching your display, sitting in a line against the mirrors, watching your demonstration with Alec before they themselves will go on and show their best.

It’s controlled—always. Each turnout and disengagement from the floor matches a single piano note. You face away from each other, the idea being that you can only trust yourself to be on time, and that your partner must know you won’t fail. There is a lift at the end, that depends on this synchronization, and if you fall before Alec comes ready from his pirouette, you’ll surely be injured. He’s always ready, it’s hardly a worry.

Launching out of your plié, you spin like leaves in the wind, like the flower they named you. Catching his eye as he plants after the pirouette, he catches you by the hips, raising you with a press of his shoulders. A gentle wrist, pointed toes, arched back, and the silence of your peers. Nobody claps. Claps are for the surprised.

When Alec lets you down, slowly and controlled, at least fifteen seconds after the final note, you catch a red bun when your vision levels. Mask sealed.

—

“Did you get home safe?”

“We don’t have homes.”

“Clearly not,” you spit, burning with her rejection.

Her face says nothing. You can only hear the spouting, rushing water.

“Does it not matter to you, Natalia,” you question, voice breaking slowly.

Her voice never comes.

“We’re getting married—Alec and I…”

You say it carefully. Like a threat. Hoping she’ll care.

“I remember the you that couldn’t imagine that.”

“I remember the you that didn’t make me want to.”

She looks bored. Like she’s waiting through the tantrum of a child. Your heart swells. Irritated with anger. Mask cracking.

You turn the ring in your pocket, upset with letting her win. Upset with knowing this is how it ends, and that your one day isn’t together. Upset with spending endless nights growing into her, just for her to watch you leave with indifference.

Pulling out a coin, the one that matches hers, the ones that you found before the fountain, you watch where she sits. You watch until she looks at you, and slide it closer to the water. You don’t push it in.

“He says he loves me. Who knows if he means it. But he said it...and you didn’t. I can’t be here forever, Nat.”

She blinks, willing words to come, and as you walk away, they still haven’t.

The sky turns sour.

—

Porcelain. Smooth, painted baby angel porcelain. You twirl like you’re in a music box, like a spring propels you. You dance until the days blend together, and you perform for Americans. You dance until they want to take you.

The rose and the flame.

—

Your American pointes are stiff. They expect you to break in new ones. When the sky turns peach, you’re under fluorescents, twirling like the wind. Twirling for hours.

“I heard Americans smell like wet dogs.”

He doesn’t bother to be quiet, and he’s smiling with the promise of intertwined futures. It also helps that no one practices as late as you, lovers more in love with a journey to come.

“I heard they have a lot of money.”

“That, they do, Roza,” his tongue rolls Russian, and he crosses to kiss the tips of your fingers. He’s so sweet in the nights.

His hands are unwrapped, his regular shoes are on the floor. Your eyes flicker to them, disapproving, before looking at him. Regular shoes scuff the dance floor.

“What will they do?”

He pulls your arms out of third, pulls your hands into his, stroking your locked up knuckles, undoing the forced curves of your hands. He’s telling you to come with him. To rest your overworked body. There will be plenty of time to practice in America.

It’s a sweet moment, soured only by being the wrong ending, and your unfinished business.

“Come with me. It’s our last night in this stupid place. Let’s celebrate.”

You let him pull you close. You kiss him and you mean it.

“I just have one thing to do.”

—

Knocking on Nat’s door, you realize it’s the first time you’ve done so and been unsure if she would answer. It’s 2am, after all, and the words you spoke before were very final.

When the door swings open, not enough time passes for a wait. She hadn’t been sleeping. There aren’t many words. There doesn’t have to be. What would you even say, really?

You go for a hug, but closing the distance, it morphs into a kiss. A gentle one. A sweet meet of the lips. A goodbye. Then, both of you are crying. Neither of you knows enough about America, enough about life without the other...but too much about saying goodbye.

There aren’t any words because they’re the kind of words you’ve already said to other people. The words that you hate to hear, that have been wrung too many times from the back of your throat to cover the spaces between that no language can. There aren’t words to say how this sucks.

Your lover, your confidante, your supporter. You try not to think about that strange fight. You try not to think about how she couldn’t say she loves you. You both know she does. Only she knows that her love won’t save you from this place. If you leave and have a boring life with Alec in some city or countryside, at least no one will beat you again. No more broken ankles, and no more bad jokes about them.

Some place squeezes in the back of your throat, pulling at the wells of your eyelids. When she pulls out your coin, the one you left behind, she presses it into your hand, watery tears on her pink cheeks, and she looks like a peach sky. Standing together with silent tears, it’s a moment before you calm them, breathing together like you would when tears meant harder hits.

You put the coin in your bra, giggling, because there’s nowhere else for it to go. She giggles too, and it’s a stupid thing, but the thing you find, because something needs to do. Something needs to be tallied in the baseboards.

“He’s waiting for me,” you whisper in your watery voice.

It’s always like this. Someone always has to start it with a timer.

You come closer because she’s so warm.

She strokes your face, pushing back some fly away hairs.

“You’ll do amazing. Don’t mess it up there. Don’t doubt yourself. Don’t be afraid of them…”

She pauses, conducting the waves that threaten her composure.

“Don’t forget me...I won’t forget you.”

And that is the most she can give. That is her love, in different words, and that is the most she can say without you deciding to stay. You’d tough it all out with her, but it wouldn’t be right. She will make it out. You need to believe it.

You kiss her again. You hold her hands, and you walk away before more tears fall.

—

When you wake up, your back and legs ache, but the sunlight is in your bones, and your soul is light with new beginnings, and mourning like you’re already gone.

Alec made love to you last night, and you enjoyed it. Maybe… maybe there’s some understanding. Maybe life won’t be bad.

When you’re walked to the car that will take you to the plane, you pass the water fountain. The sky is blinding and empty. So is the seat that Nat usually takes. You taste nectarines.

Alec squeezes your shoulder, and you’re back in the moment. He tells you he loves you, the wind twirling around like a blessing. It feels unearned.

It’s an easy car ride, and as time clicks by on the digital clock, you recoil at the car freshener blowing into your nose with the biting freeze of the air conditioner. You can’t stop watching that clock. You take moments when you know Natasha’s alarm is ringing on her floor, when class starts, when lunch begins.

You think about what the American schedule will be like all the way to the plane. You wonder where you’ll go when the sky turns peach.

Soaring over cities, you see water. You see the glimmer of Nat’s tears, and you wonder if she’ll see the same sea when she makes it out.

You wonder if she’ll think of you too.

—

(reblogs appreciated!)

tags: @xbuchananbarnes (ty honey) @invisibleanonymousmonsters (ily) @threeminutesoflife @honeychicanawrites @sapphirescrolls @tropicalcap @mariahthelioness29 @avintagekiss24 @allaboardthereadingrailroad @venusbarnes @hurricanerin

[bisluthq]

hi I was wondering what your favourite sapphic songs of Taylor's are? cause kaylors make such a big deal of the 'male perspective' in songs like our song, love story, mine. and I agree that wanting to experience that is gay in itself. but those songs just feel so straight country love songs that I really cannot see them as sapphic, particularly given that she also sings from the 'female perspective' to the man. so I wondered which songs feel most sapphic to you?

Ohh boy yeah the male perspective (except Betty where it’s gay in concept and feels very like when 15 year old me was obsessed with Blue Mountain State lmao) never screams gay to me. Let’s do a roundup of sapphic lyrics and themes.

In Teardrops on My Guitar, Taylor says: “Drew walks by me... Can he tell that I can't breathe? And there he goes, so perfectly... The kind of flawless I wish I could be.” Now the whole song’s unseen pining is pretty gay to me. Like I say, there are unrequited straight songs but it’s very like... “why aren’t you understanding that I’m right here? How can you be so blind?” In Teardrops Taylor seems very aware that this person (well boy in the song) won’t ever notice her.

And sure we could say “well she has poor self-confidence” but then there’s that line in the bit I chose: “The kind of flawless I wish I could be” - why is she comparing herself to a boy? Do I want to be you or do I want to fuck you is such a big mood for queer women especially young queer women. I dunno, like my first few late elementary/early middle school crushes (and my first few crushes were on girls) were very like: “Do I want to be her? Do I want to be her best friend? Or do I want her to hold my hand? And why does her holding my hand make my heart beat faster and seem to have no effect on her?” There’s a definite way queer women compare ourselves to the object of our affections that straight women don’t seem to do that makes “my crush is the kind of flawless I wish I could be” feel extremely sapphic to me.

Oh bonus one from Teardrops: “The only thing that keeps me wishing on a wishing star / He's the song in the car I keep singing. Don't know why I do” - why doesn’t she know? Like what’s confusing about this situation? She likes this dude why is it such a big fucking deal that she does? And again why does she want to be like him?

Anyway yeah that whole song.

Also Invisible is gay af. Like if you reverse the pronouns it’s the universal queer woman’s story of being in love with your friend. And this bitch is into some dude who isn’t anywhere near good enough for her and your affections are invisible but if she only knew - and she won’t - the two of you could have something beautiful together.

Stay Beautiful also reads gay but apparently she wrote it in the fourth grade so maybe her vocab was just bad idk.

On that album, Tied Together with a Smile and I’m Only Me When I’m With You are formally, officially, according to Tay’s explanations about her female friends btw. If you listen to those two songs and then the first two I listed they’re... not that fucking different lmao. It’s that same idea of “you get me and I just want you to be happy”. It’s all just... gay...

Fearless is probably one of the least gay albums overall IMO (tho I’m open to people making stuff gay) but it does give us the title track which is very fucking gay lol so it makes up for the number of straight sounding songs on here. First there’s this bit:

We're drivin' down the road

I wonder if you know

I'm tryin' so hard not to get caught up now

But you're just so cool

Run your hands through your hair

Absent-mindedly makin' me want you

Man “I wonder if you know” is exactly that feeling I was describing like, I wonder if you realize this is more than friendship? I wonder if you know that I want you. And the “you’re just so cool” isn’t as explicitly “I want to be you” but it’s also got some of that shared energy. This person is so cool that them running their hand absent-mindedly through their hair is making her feel some type of way and yet she’s not sure if the person knows that. Now why wouldn’t this extremely cool guy know that the girl he’s giving a lift to is possibly interested?

Then there’s this bit:

My hands shake

I'm not usually this way

But you pull me in and I'm a little more brave

It's the first kiss,

It's flawless,

Really something,

It's fearless.

Why does this first kiss require so much bravery? It’s not her first ever because “I’m not usually this way” implies she has been in a similar position before. And then:

And I don't know why but with you I'd dance in a storm in my best dress

Fearless

“I don’t know why” - well because you like this person! Girl, you’re into them. Oh, you’re not sure why because it’s a girl? Also lbr discussing clothes with your crush/partner is a very gay girl thing so just that addition of “my best dress” in the context of the rest of this incredibly gay song is... gay...

Oh and a bonus point:

'Cause I don't know how it gets better than this

You take my hand and drag me head first

Fearless

Making that big a deal of handholding and saying it requires bravery is, you guessed it, gay af. 

Untouchable also delivers some gems: “Untouchable like a distant diamond sky / I'm reaching out and I just can't tell you why / I'm caught up in you” - I mean this is that whole vague confused forbidden vibes I spoke about before and the “And when you're close I feel like coming undone”. For me, it’s the fact that this person’s mere presence is enough to make her undone and she’s begging for a “taste of Heaven” feels... gay...

Jump Then Fall is also pretty damn gay to me. It’s got that dangerous “this could be dangerous” thing going on (“I had time to think it all over and all I can say is come closer”) but it’s also positive and... she’s saying jump and I’ll catch you which... like I get that it could be metaphorical but generally with het couples the dude would do the catching. Like if it was just that it’d not be that gay but again, the whole thing... is...

Whoa, oh, I need you baby

Don't be afraid, please,

Jump then fall

Jump then fall into me

Baby, I'm never gonna leave you

Say that you wanna be with me too

'Cause I'mma stay through it all

So jump then fall

Jump then fall, baby,

Jump then fall into me, into me

Like why are they both so scared? Why is she convincing herself and this person? What’s the danger? Is it just meant to be a “loss of virginity” song?

Then there’s the catching bit I mentioned:

The bottom's gonna drop out from under our feet

I'll catch you, I'll catch you

When people say things that bring you to your knees

I'll catch you

Idk man. It’s gay.

By the way for two unrequited songs that fundamentally feel straight to me, look at The Other Side of the Door and You Belong With Me. I’m not saying you can’t have queer readings. But both of them have that “blame” angle to the guy’s lack of interest or inability to requite her feelings. Like she’s saying “I won’t tell you what I want or that I want you but you should figure it out ya big dummy!” which is inherently different to that “I know this is completely pointless and I’m barking up the wrong tree” energy of the other songs I mentioned. “I’m worried you’ll hurt me” songs are also different to “if you stand close to me I’ll completely fall apart but I can’t let you see” of... like... Untouchable.

Hey Stephen has the “I can't help it if you look like an angel” line but it’s generally straight for me because:

Hey, Stephen,

I could give you fifty reasons

Why I should be the one you choose.

All those other girls—

Well, they're beautiful,

But would they write a song for you?

Do you see what I mean it’s like “I know you might not want me but you should” and that’s not a sapphic vibe. Like that’s to me what makes her gay sounding songs so much gayer like they capture a very specific feeling - being confused on if you want to be her, be her friend or fuck her dumb ass.

On Speak Now Taylor adds another type of gayness into her repertoire. She does the “I’m singing about a guy but it’s all about a girl” thing in Better Than Revenge. Now I know she has been called out a lot for this and she herself has now said obvi girls don’t steal your boyfriend BUT that’s not the part I find interesting. It’s shit like: “She thinks I'm psycho 'cause I like to rhyme her name with things” - like girl, that is psycho. Being obsessed with the fact that she is wearing vintage dresses is weird. And Taylor does this in the title track with her lengthy descriptions of the bridge compared to ZERO description of the guy. Not even “looking so handsome” - like there’s nothing. But the bride is “floating down the aisle like a pageant queen”.

Idk this is only three albums and only like my favorite gay bits and I already have so many and I haven’t even gotten to Treacherous 😭 I think I should make a hashtag for this and carry on later.

The point is, for me, it’s not about her singing a back and forth with a guy and a girl. It’s capturing supremely sapphic wlw feelings that I’ve never seen a straight female songwriter or musician convey, even where I’ve loved their music and felt it strongly resonated with me for other reasons.

[akari-hope]

so this is only one aspect of that earlier ask but. you mentioning that lesbians and other sapphics often live lives that are just like entirely divorced from men made me realize that that’s unfathomable to a lot of ppl. like all of my friends and partners and social circle in general are entirely sapphic ppl and its been that way for years. but that doesn’t occur to most ppl. and bc they don’t consider that. they don’t consider that some ppl only seek out sapphics in their media as well.

exactly. EXACTLY. i know in lesbian spaces particularly this is a big talking point, but it 100% applies to other sapphics too, bc when you're sapphic your life straight up doesn't have to include men in any capacity. but that's so incredibly unfathomable to people. i wish i remembered where i read this, but i recall reading something about how cishet men, while uncomfortable with gay men (gay as an umbrella term here), understand their existence. but they straight up fail to comprehend the idea that someone could be a lesbian (or their perception thereof). bc the idea that men do not somehow exist in one's life is bizarre when there's still an ingrained societal expectation that men are necessary for survival. it's honestly a fascinating topic to talk about, but one i unfortunately don't have the energy/time to get into in the depth it requires rn. but this boils over into so many aspects of life, to the point where even something as innocuous as "i don't really care about stories about men" is an unimaginable opinion to have. when...isn't that fair? to want to see your own experiences on screen, or at least have the room to project that if you so choose? isn't that why so many young sapphics, even ones who rejected traditional femininity historically or as they grew older, found themselves drawn to "girl power" shows with little to no male characters in them? isn't that why the entire concept of the bechdel test came to be?

tldr you're 100% correct, it's a fascinating thing to ponder and think about, and wanting media that reflects that lived reality is valid

[sendme-2hell]

Sapphic SFF book recommendation master-post part 1: Fantasy

Caption: 

Reminded me of: The Poppy War, Baru Cormorant, The Jasmine Throne

Other Notes: Main character is genderqueer & on the ace spectrum

Black Sun - Rebecca Roanhorse

Plot: Fantasy set in pre-columbian americas with 3 povs. A solar eclipse is approaching and the political landscape will change forever. 

Plot: Fantasy set in pre-columbian americas with 3 povs. A solar eclipse is approaching and the political landscape will change forever. 

Plot: Fantasy set in pre-columbian americas with 3 povs. A solar eclipse is approaching and the political landscape will change forever. 

Reminded me of: Steel Crowe Saga, Broken Earth Trilogy, Priory of the Orange Tree

Other Notes: Also Features: Nonbinary characters, gods, knife priests, a bisexual mermaid, crows. Romance is not a major aspect of the book.

The Tiger’s Daughter - K Arsenault Rivera

Plot: Love letter between two childhood friends from different cultures. They are both warriors. One becomes a ruler and the other becomes a monster. Features my favorite trope: a bonding road trip! 

Other Notes: I’ve heard it is not incredibly accurate to the cultures it represents. Also, it is a romance more than anything else. The main focus is the two women’s relationship. 

The Empress of Salt and Fortune, When the Tiger came Down the Mountain - Nghi Vo

Plot: Two sapphic novellas focusing on storytelling, power, narrative, and the plight of women.

Other Notes: Both really short and excellent! The tiger one is also really funny. highly recommend. 

The Jasmine Throne - Tasha Suri

Plot: A captive princess and her secretly powerful maidservant form a shaky alliance in a fantasy world inspired by the epics of India. 

Reminded me of: Baru Cormorant (everything reminds me of her), The Unbroken, She Who Became the Sun

Other Notes: I can’t wait for the next book in this series!

The Traitor Baru Cormorant - Seth Dickinson

Plot: Baru’s island is colonied when she is a child. She plans to rise up in society and destory them from within. It goes so well and nothing bad happens.

Reminded me of: Black Sails, A Memory Called Empire, Ninefox Gambit, Gideon the Ninth, The Poppy War

Other Notes: look up content warnings!! It will make you cry! This book ruined my life but in a good way. The sequels include lots of hot morally grey women, a great nonbinary POV character, and some of the funniest lines I’ve ever read. I feel I have to say this because no one wants to read the sequels after finishing Traitor. 

The Rise of Kyoshi

Plot: Kyoshi the earthbender discovers she is the Avatar and must deal with the consequences. She also gets a fire nation girlfriend.

Reminded me of: Avatar the Last Airbender (duh), The Broken Earth Trilogy

Other Notes: Felt more mature than ATLA but was able to keep the spirit. I bet you could read it without having seen ATLA. 

The Unbroken - C. L. Clark

Plot: Touraine has been raised as a soldier by the forces that took her homeland. Luca is a princess sent to stop a rebellion in aforementioned homeland. They meet. North African inspired fantasy, anti-colonialism themes. 

Reminded me of: Baru Cormorant, The Jasmine Throne

Other Notes: lots of (mostly morally grey) queer women characters

The Unspoken Name - A.K. Larkwood

Plot: A sword lesbian orc, her annoying gay brother (not biological), a necromancer, and an older morally grey necromancer-orc go up against an ancient God/father figure. 

Reminded me of: Gideon the Ninth, Priory of the Orange Tree

Other Notes: I just really recommend reading this if you want something to read after finishing the Locked tomb. similar vibes. 

The Priory of the Orange Tree - Samantha Shannon

Plot: This one is super popular so idk if I even have to say it. 4 POVs including a sapphic spy undercover as a handmaiden, a dragon rider, a nice guy, and a not nice guy (idk I’m losing energy making these summaries). 

Reminded me of: Crier’s War, GOT if it was less sexist, The Unspoken Name, The Queen of Coins and Whispers, The Midnight Lie

Other Notes: It seems long and it is! But it’s doable. I was so invested in the slow burn I didn’t even notice the length. 

[lovenliterature]

evermore thoughts

willow

I wasn’t sold on this on first listen but I really liked it on second listen with more attention to lyrics

video is also really lovely, big fan of that

really really like the difference in melody for the diff appearances of “life was a willow and it bent right to your wind”

favourite lyric: “I come back stronger than a 90s trend” - the look she does at the camera cemented this as my fave line even more

champagne problems

down as one of my faves from the start

love love love the narrative

proper late night with cider, melancholy vibe

kind of like a grown up/worse feeling august in terms of vibes?? as in like the experience described feels like a more intense heartbreaking august in a way

really like the conclusion too

favourite lyric: I really struggled to pick here but: “you booked the night train for a reason/so you could sit there in this hurt” for sheer visceral emotion, “dom perignon you brought it” for the way its sung, “How evergreen, our group of friends/Don't think we'll say that word again” and “she’ll patch up your tapestry that I shred” for lyricism

gold rush

again, one i wasn’t super sold on the first listen, music and the vibe didn’t really interest me

first notes made me think of epiphany

but then i listened to it watching the lyric video and holy shit

now v appreciative of the melody and bass and the pace of the lyrics

really really like her embracing talking about jealousy

love love love the ending and beginning being the same holy shit

favourite lyrics: “at dinner parties, I call you out on your contrarian shit” and the way she sings “with your hair falling into place like dominoes”

‘tis the damn season

again preferred on second listen, wasn’t on the list of early faves

the best xmas late night walks vibe, walking through frosty streets at home between houses, embracing the only time you get to think, losing yourself in music and nighttime with freezing hands and cloudy breath

would’ve fit my 2019 xmas vibe too

melancholy and nostalgia

favourite lyrics: “sleep in half the day/just for old time’s sake” and “and the heart I know I’m breakin’ is my own”

tolerate it

god girl you deserve better

kinda like a sad last great american dynasty in terms of searching for approval

naive innocence taken advantage of

drunk in my garden walking round to try and forget my life kinda vibe

favourite lyrics: “i know my love should be celebrated/but you tolerate it” and “now I’m begging for footnotes in the story of your life” 

no body no crime

holy shit did i sleep on this at first but oh my god its so good

start gives me show of hands vibes which is great

her husbands acting different and it smells like infidelity - just the way she sings this is so so fucking good

this is the easiest song to listen to and holy shit its just great

favourite lyric: “she said “that ain’t my merlot on his mouth/that ain’t my jewellery on our joint account”

happiness

“all the years I’ve given/is just shit we’re dividin’ up” - v v true, you have to rebuild your life after every relationship and taking it all apart is so much more sudden than building it up

like an alternative to the 1 which I LOVE

but also some parallels to this is me trying: “I hope she’ll be a beautiful fool..... sorry I didn’t mean that” vs “my words shoot to kill when I’m mad”

the whole bridge is iconic - “I can’t make it go away by making you a villain” - in the short term, anger at an ex can help, but eventually you have to move on, and its easier to accept that there was good in the relationship after a while, and it makes looking back on it better

“no one teaches you what to do/when a good man hurts you/and you know you hurt him too” - blame on both sides is much harder to take and grieve and its hard to know how to cope with that. it also makes advice more complicated because there isn’t much you can say to help

favourite lyric: “both of these things can be true” - always love duality and nuance in literature and its nice to hear it acknowledged in a climate of binary oppositions and no shades of grey

dorothea

nostalgia for the future

now prob my most listened, gets stuck in my head and one of the few i do listen to in isolation - like august

Reminds me so much of Ella - each other’s history, not each other’s whole future but in there somewhere

again sapphic vibes, real strong esp because of the ella vibes its the whole in between romantic and platonic affection

“hey dorothea, do you ever stop and think about me” - that’s the way I think of people I love esp ella and people from that era of my life, and anyone where its kinda open ended or just grown apart

favourite lyric: “and damn dorothea, they all wanna be ya”

coney island

instant fave - marked down from first listen and probably still one i actively look forward to 

much like with exile, the male vocals GOT me

“did I shatter you” that line broke my goddamn heart

favourite lyrics: both for the sheer feelings of the vocals and the lyricism “were you standing in the hallway/with a big cake, happy birthday/did I paint your skies the darkest grey” and “and when I got into the accident/the sight that flashed before me was your face”

ivy

the way she sings goddamn could be the whole fucking song its so beautiful

“my pain fits in the palm of your freezing hand/taking mine, but it’s promised to another” - the passive here is great

“he wants what’s only yours”

the trilogy of these lyrics “what would he do if he found us out?”, “he’s gonna burn this house to the ground”, “and drink my husband’s wine”, the recklessness, the drinking his wine like a secret defiance

“my house of stone/your ivy grows/and now i’m covered in you” - fucking hell this is the best imagery - even with the strongest walls and foundations, the love crept through and grew inside her til she was covered in it

favourite lyric: quite literally just the words “oh, goddamn”

cowboy like me

“dancin’ is a dangerous game” - hell yeah I get so many feelings from this, it just reminds me of the intimacy of dancing and the feeling of swaying in someone’s arms

“and the skeletons in both our closets/plotted hard to fuck this up” - both like active interference of exes or just simply trauma, unresolved issues

“forever is the sweetest con” - believing hurts and everything ends but its worth it for the time you have

favourite lyrics: “now you hang from my lips/like the gardens of Babylon”

long story short

first notes make me think of between the saltmarsh and the sea even though its SO different but also a bit like august idk why

“if the shoe fits walk in it/til your high heels break” - i just love the imagery of this line

“fell down the rabbit hole” - living for this line and the wonderland vibe

“but if someone comes at us, this time i’m ready” - the vibe of like not looking for a fight but defending what you love

favourite lyric: “past me/I wanna tell you not to get lost in these petty things” - YES BITCH also the energy I give to past me and future me gives to me now or “long story short I survived”

marjorie

another song I come back to on its own

this is the exact wistful vibe i look for in calm ish songs, can be sad, can be happy depending on a mood and this is perfect

the video is incredible and marjorie providing the backing vocals made me cry also it being in the same place on the record as epiphany was on folklore

“never be so polite/you forget your power/never wield such power/you forget to be polite” - love the use of wield, it also feels like the medium women try to find between being a “bad bitch” and being ladylike, but not a medium society will accept bc fuck that, the exact way THEY wanna do it instead

really the song i needed after the year of so much grief, and i know it’s gonna bring me comfort when grandma goes, especially the line “what died didn’t stay dead”

favourite lyric: “watched as you signed your name: marjorie” - the way this is sung will literally stay with me forever, its like a legacy in one line

closure

again, instant fave

the vibe of you don’t owe someone shit just bc they feel guilty is so good

“yes I got your letter/yes I’m doing better” “I know that it’s over” - I’ve moved on and I don’t need your permission for that or your well wishes thanks

Moving on doesn’t mean forgiveness

I just love the melody so much and its such a good song agh

favourite lyric: “I know I’m just a wrinkle in your new life/staying friends would iron it out so nice”

evermore

“grey november/I’ve been down since July” - most explicit pandemicy vibes i get, I was home and it was almost possible to just regard it as a normalish summer, looking after the dog and living at home and now its coming up to Christmas and I’m living away from home, our family is split across 5 homes in 4 cities and its fucking hard (not even sure if its that type of down but that’s how it made me feel)

“writing letters/addressed to the fire” - literally just picked up on this lyric and has kinda a dual meaning for me. 1 -feeling shit about things you create, putting in effort, just to throw it away. 2 - tactic for tackling anxiety, just getting rid of thoughts and releasing them from my brain

“Cannot think of all the cost/And the things that will be lost/Oh, can we just get a pause?” - again, v pandemicy and so relevant to the fam’s 2018-2019, we just needed a pause, we had to keep going and not process what we’d lost or we’d never carry on

such a good depression song

favourite lyric: “staring out an open window/catching my death”