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maddiefriendlovesbilly · 4 years

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Spencer x Ghost?

Spencer x Ghost

(AAAAA- it has been months since you sent this to me, and all i can say is im so sorry) Side note I have my friend @lethalbreadkills helping me with this one!

For reference: Maddie (maddiefriendlovesbilly) is green, Jimmy (lethalbreadkills) is red (((its 4:30 at the time i have joined this so im dead braincell wise sorry yall))) and Orange is stuff we decided together :3

Also this is so very chaotic im so sorry for this anon but this has been in my fuckin drafts for SO LONG and this is the only way its getting finished (its now 5 am uwu) im so sorry for all the shitposting i do its a mess. I shouldnt have been allowed here. (we finished at about 5:30 am its hell <3)

Sphost? Ghencer?? Sphoster??? I adore and despise them all equally.

We have decided that it should be BeanieGhost

Anyway I think this ship is really cute

They’re both so neurotic I can only imagine the chaos that would ensue

One of them starts a rant on some topic and the other joins the hell in

I’m an advocate of LETTING SPENCER INFO DUMP BECAUSE HE DESERVES IT OKAY

And Ghost would let this dream come true???

I would die for both of them and if Spencer told me I had to die I wouldn’t even complain, no questions I’d just be like “Aight.” I trust him that much.

(Not sure I trust Ghost’s judgment enough to do that unquestioningly; sorry Ghost)

Back on topic

I can’t imagine these guys on anything that comes close to society’s definition of a date

It’d be more like “hey you wanna come on this hunt with us?” “maybe, depends if there’ll be snacks” or like chilling in Spence’s room binging the entire star trek: original series in one sitting or “oops sorry about that level 11 entity that attached to my soul and is now wreaking havoc in your house, wanna make out later to make up for it?” “Fine but you also have to play three rounds of Call of Duty with me afterward”

They wouldn’t be romantic often but like highkey? I can see them throwing themselves into the line of fire for each other with a recklessness only they could survive

We can’t forget that Spencer is a more than 60,000-year-old overpowered demon/god/entity/thing, which, yes, could throw a slight wrench in this ship for multiple reasons, but I choose to make angst out of it instead.

Side note: Ghost is a chronic conspiracy theorist (and you can’t tell me otherwise) and every once in awhile Spencer will offhandedly say something like “Y’know I helped the Egyptians build the pyramids” and Ghost just goes fucking feral.

Look, I’m not saying Spencer IS touch-starved and most likely has issues creating and developing relationships and therefore avoids interpersonal connection, especially offline, but I AM saying he is prime material for it. (thats a lie thats exactly what shes saying don’t believe it) (I’m projecting okay dont judge me) (loser imagine projecting)

Imagine with me for a second: Why does Spencer willingly stay with a family who locks him in their basement with only minor complaining? He’s a near all-powerful entity just released into the world for Spence’s-sake - If he wanted to, there’s no telling what havoc he could wreak! So why doesn’t he? Why would someone so powerful, so terrifying, so dangerous that a group of people decided to seal him away forever stay with the first family he finds in sub-par conditions for years - especially someone who’s seen to be as high-maintenance as Spencer? Let me hit you with a theory: He’s chasing the feelings of validation, safety, and love - no matter how rarely it’s shown - that a family can provide. Being socially isolated for even a few years can do a number to a person’s psyche (I should know, I’m projecting onto this character right now), let alone thousands.

Now maybe Ghost can’t match thousands of years in isolation, but damn if he doesn’t have a few years of crippling loneliness on his record too.

I can see the two of them learning how to be vulnerable around others together, emotionally and physically; learning how to open up and how to talk through issues; and some third point, because points are better in threes.

(May I suggest that these losers are both trans but thats just me adding in my own projection lmao)

(You absolutely may)

Imagine the conversation thats just “so i have a murderer in my head thats an ass” “rip to u ig sounds like a you problem :///”

imo spence has trouble expressing emotions other than like,,, annoyance and haughtiness, its like sort of his go-to defence, so showing Ghost his emotions is a big step for him

I hear you, and i say yes good. (found this one headcanon that i kinda live by where he was uh, either autistic or adhd i dont remember but theres that too) OH yeah that would be at thing huh. Spencer: *is emotionally vulnerable @ ghost* ghost: oh shit im trusted??? Oh fuck uh.

Yeah so like…. Ghost and spence showing emotion at eachother is kind of :flushed: ghost be like: whats an emotion. Imagine having emotions fuciiing loser hhaha,,,, *laughs nervously*

Ghost is also very emotionally distant with most people so it would probably be like “what??? The fuck?? Emotions?????? You have those???”

Ghost and Spencer be like *gay*

So another idea is that maybe Spencer realizes Ghost doesnt play any games [like the uncultured SWINE he is] and decides he must [remedy] this and so he introduces him to like, nintendo first. (some bitches thought that said nintendo fortnite. Im bitches) and theyre playing like, mario kart or smash or smth and Ghost gets really [fuckin into it]

Ghost and spencer: *literally in eachothers laps playing fucking wii tennis*

Spooker: what are the- *TOAST FUCKING SLAPS A HAND ACROSS HIS MOUTH* shut up you dont wanna know what happens when its mentsonssbfdjfsd (sorry i had a stroke uwuwuwuw)

(Theyre in denial we don’t judge in this house)

They will not hesitate to play dirty either, they will straight up push each other over and vaguely flirt

Ghost is losing and straight up fucking goes “ur hot” and spencer actually dies and boom ghost is the winner. sparkle emoji Magic sparkle emoji

“I am Not a HomoSexual:™:” “Yeah, sure you aren’t” “Screw off”

Pet-names-ish: Asshole, Gaymer-Boy, casual insults, Mr. Spirit Bitch, Mistake, Loves Ghosts More Than His Boyfriend What A Fucking Loser aka Gay-ass

Pros:

They both open up a lot most likely. Gain someone to trust since they’ve sort of been through the same things (though on much different scales)

I can see soft hours of hanging in each other’s bedrooms

Spencer is a tsundere you cant tell me otherwise youre just a coward if you disagree

So is Ghost so this can only go well

Every time Ghost has to solve a case at the Acachallas Spence is just peaking out from his basement like “the fuck is this?? Hot Man??????”

Enemies to lovers 500k (Gets Hot and Steamy :flushed: NOT CLICKBAIT!!!!11!!!!! 18+!!!!!!! GAY LOVE StORY!!!!!!) Lemonz!!! Made from teh Sexiest of Wattpaders UWUWUWU YAOI Boys Love don’t like don’t read!! (this is so fucking stupid jkfnd) I hate this with a passion Q^Q. All my years of being a basic watpad fanboy have helped me to the moment i bring maddie to tears

The steam is just like,,,,, holding hands and being angy all the fuckin time the steam is literal because their anger translates into actual steam

Cons:

Their angst has nowhere to go and it just sits between them like two raccoons at a dumpster-style mexican standoff

They really start off hating each other huh. Like, I know this can still lead to healthy relationships but neither of them are very good at healthy relationships with people he hasn’t known for his Whole Life so that’s an Oh No.

They totally feed off of each other’s stupidity (but this could be seen as a pro too so take that as you will) as well as anger - im talking one-upping each other kinda shit

Its ridiculous honestly how intense it gets, like they straight up need intervention sometimes because they dont realize they can just STOP

Conclusions:

I think this would be a relationship that would that a lot of time and hard work to make work, but i think in the end it would be really super cute!! Like it would make no fuckin sense to anyone else but somehow they’d understand each other and help each other through their similar issues. Also theyre both big nerds in different ways and i think they’d have just ranting sessions back and forth over and over and it would be soft!!!!! So yeah, i think it would work, at least, i want it to :D

So. Maybe?? I feel like it could, but they’d need to work pretty hard to make it healthy and not constant fighting. Could be stupid amounts of cute and wholesome but also could be stupid amounts of oh no and pain, depending on how the two act. If they learned how to get along with each other and work past their differences it could be super cute and soft. Just a very, er, bumpy beginning. And middle. And end. (this makes me very nervous,,,,why did you mention an end) (wouldnt you like to know weather boy) (TvT) UFDUNS bumpy but soft . Agreeing with the loser gay, want this to work it’d be interesting :3

#spencer x ghost #jess writes #ishhhhh???????#venturiantale #venturiantale pie #johnny ghost #spencer acachalla #johnny toast #jimmy casket #fred spooker #let me know if you enjoyed this or not it was intense #sr #ship review #ship reviews #vt ships #vt ship reviews #vt ship review #vt sr

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stateofgrace1303 · 5 years

Text

My chronic illness, how it started.

*Can you guys please reblog and/or tag Taylor?? I really want her to read

this. I want this to get to her and I'll take any help I can get. I rarely ask this but it'd mean to world to me. I wanna get my story

out there (even if this is only a part of the entire story. The rest I

might post sometime if you guys want me too. I think I did include

everything I wanted to for now though). Just thank you all so much!!! I

love you all ❤*

(Im really sorry about how long this is. Its like a little novel. Plus I'm

OCD and tend to talk/rant until it feels just right... I just wanted to

share it with all of you, since its something I would've shared on TSL,

even though it'd probably be too long for there... But I wanted to share it

here because most of those swifties can be found on tumblr, and I want you

all to hear this... Maybe it'll even get to Taylor too. But please read if

you can. It'd mean a lot to me. Also I tried writing this but then it got

deleted when I tried posting it, so hopefully this one posts (I ended up trying to post this ALL DAY. I'm so glad it's finally up).)

Hey Swifties! So, I thought I would post this because its something I'd

post on TSL if it was still around, as I shared pretty much my whole life

on there, and I always found swifties very easy to talk to (plus you're all

just the nicest people)! So, I wanted to share this on here since most

swifties can be found on tumblr. I'm sure i talked a little bit about this

on tsl (my user was stateofgrace1303, same as on here and ig) but I wanted

to tell you guys more, especially because its getting so much more intense

now and like I said I've always found swifties very easy to talk to you.

Basically, when I was 12, my dad took me to see the RED tour at Gillette

Stadium. We had gone to see the Speak Now tour there and I had been

completely wonderstruck (no pun intended) by Taylor that night. I was 10 at

the speak now tour and had idolized Taylor since I was 6 and she put out

TOMG (and I was known as the Taylor Swift girl by now at my school). So

even though I was 10 I asked my dad, if I save up the money will you take

me to see her when she comes again? And he said yes. About 2 weeks before

the show, I had saved up enough. He didn't think i could do it, but I did.

So, I got tickets and we went to the tour. But when I was walking towards

the stadium (we had parked in a lot right down the street), my vision

became weird, almost like tunnel vision although nothing was turning black

around the edges of my vision. My feet looked very far away from me.

Suddenly, a rush of dizziness came over me and instinctively i grabbed onto

my dads arm to keep from falling down. He asked if I was okay and I could

barely get out words for some reason. I was starting to sweat and we

thought maybe i was dehydrated, so we got into the stadium as quickly as

possible. I was gripping onto everything around me to keep from falling,

but eventually we got into the stadium and I got some water. We had seats

on the field, so that's where I was, drinking some water when suddenly I

was pretty sure I was going to throw up. It was starting to get super

uncomfortable so my dad brought my to the first aid, which was actually

right at the enterance on the field. So when we went in there my dad told

them what was going on and they all looked at me weird and said "people

never get sick. We usually treat bee stings and allergic reactions. We

almost never have people get sick" which actually surprised me. But, they

took me back and laid me down. Almost immediately I started puking. The

nurse I had actually had just had a baby and had some anti nausea

medication on her. So, she gave me that but it didn't work. And I just got

worse. My dad went to find me something to eat so I'd have something in my

stomach. He came back with some chips and iced/frozen lemonade but I threw

up every time. I was so dizzy at this point I was gripping onto the bed

they had me on and puking my guts out, as well as sweating a lot. After a

while, as it only got worse, they actually thought I might have had food

posioning and asked what I ate. But there they noticed something. I was

completely white. Like white as a ghost. Except for my lips, which were

turning blue. And I was struggling to breathe. They wanted to take me to

Boston Childrens and my dad asked if I wanted to, but it was Taylor. I

couldn't miss it. So I said no for that reason. But actually, everyone at

the stadium was trying to get me tickets for the show the next night as she

was playing two nights. Security guards, the nurses, my dads girlfriend...

But nobody could get tickets in the end which was okay. But later my dad

went and for a list of everybody's set times. I had been in first aid for

about an hour at this point. He came back with the list and said "I promise

I will not let you miss them" he said and pointed to Ed Sheerans name, then

Taylor, since I was a huge Ed fan as well. He knew I probably wouldn't be

able to stay, but even seeing them for a minute would've been perfect to

me. Another hour had passed, and I was still there in the same condition.

It was terrifying, and they were really pushing me to go to the hospital

(they wanted to call an ambulance because they actually thought something

very bad might happen if they didn't). But I keep pushing that off because

I wanted to see Taylor and Ed so badly. But, 2 hours I had been there in

the same condition, puking up everything, completely white with blue lips,

struggling to breathe, so dizzy I couldn't even sit up. It was starting to

get painful honestly. So, I suddenly just burst out crying. I was just a 12

year old who wanted to see my idol, and I got this... This weird sickness,

and got stuck in first aid. In so much pain. I didn't even really

understand what was happening. I had always been a sick kid. Always getting

colds and infections. In fact, I almost died as a baby from a problem with

my kidneys, and had become septic. Its a miracle I lived. But I had never

experienced anything like this... And to experience it when I was just

trying to see my idol? When it was only my second concert ever? It crushed

me tbh. My dad asked what was wrong and I finally said the words I had been

avoiding all night... "I wanna go home" (which was actually his

girlfriend's house who lived in Boston... I'm from Maine). And he said

"okay". That was all he needed and he left, walking back towards where we

left the car. However, around 7:30ish the traffic in this area is really

weird I cant even explain it. But traffic can only go one way, instead of

both ways like normal.. So he couldn't get a ride back to the car and had

to walk, and then drive the car in traffic all the way to the stadium to

pick me up. So i had to wait a while, and while I did I heard clapping and

then a British voice say "hello Boston" and he started playing give me

love. I listened to him play and i only cried more because I was so

frustrated I couldn't go out there to see him. About half way through the

set, my dad showed up. They let him park in a no parking zone to come and

get me so he was right next to the enterance to the field. They were going

to put me in a wheelchair, but instead my dad came and helped me up. He was

holding me up straight and almost dragged me out of the first aid station,

into the stadium. I remember this part so well. The air hit me, I heard

Ed's voice clearly and saw him on stage, and suddenly, I let go of my dad,

and I was able to stand on my own... And I was fine. It was like a miracle.

I yelled to my dad over the music "is it too late to stay?" And he screamed

back "what??? After all that you wanna stay???" And I said yes, so, we

stayed. He went to go move the car (the girl was so nice who did the

parking, he told her the story, and he just needs to park the car and het

back in the stadium, how much would it cost. And the girl said park

wherever you want no charge. I thought that was seriously the sweetest

thing.) Sooo he did that, and since I was only 12 in a huge stadium, one of

the cops that was patroling the place stayed with me and asked me all kinds

of questions about Ed Sheeran, especially about the A-Team, when he played

it. He said "this isn't his song right?? Is this a cover?? I know this

song." And I told him it wad and told him all about it. It was the ideal

conversation for 12 year old me 😂 Anyway, my dad came back, we got to our

seats, and I actually met Andrea for a very brief moment! And before I knew

it, Taylor was playing. And I had made it through the entire show. I woke

up the next morning, still feeling a little sick but actually felt better

after eating, so I thought the worst was over. But, I was wrong... I didn't

know that one night would become my life... And god I wish I had gone to

the hospital... Maybe I would be okay now if I had... But anyway... A month

later (in August), it happened at my friends end of summer party. Then a

month later (in September), while I was at school... Each time worse than

the time before. Everyone had been informed I was having issues, but nobody

had seen anything happen yet. I seemed like myself. Then one day, I was on

my way to lunch with my friends, and I collapsed in the hallway... Same

thing happening. All my friends freaked out and 2 stayed with me while the

rest went to get the nurse. She actually thought I was dying, and honestly

I could've. She called my mom and said she wasn't sure if she should call

my mom or an ambulance. Then my mom came and got me and immedaitly took me

to my doctor (because she said next time it happens to come in so they

could monitor me). I was monitored and fell asleep, then 4 hours later i

woke up like nothing happened. After that i was pulled out of school and

constantly at the doctor. And I just got sicker and sicker... Which was

later diagnosed as... "Anxiety". By an unqualified doctor. He was a thyroid

doctor and diagnosed me with that?? As time went on, I got incredibly sick

to the point I can't even move. I have become completely disabled and lose

control of my body a lot. It's like my brain is disconnected from my body.

And I get this weird feeling im falling off a cliff and I cant feel my arms

and when that happens, I cant move at all. I cant even express how bad it

can get, how scary and painful it is. I'm a lot sicker than most people

think I am... I spend most days in bed, actually unable to move. I find

ways to keep my spirits up, luckily. Mostly its listening to Taylor and

watching friends but yeah 😂 I have days where I can't even sit up I'm so

dizzy and weak and it hurts so much. Its also terrifying when you don't

have full control over your own body. Absoultely terrifying. Although I

have okay days where I can stand up and function for a little bit, most

days lately have been like this... Bad and living from my bed due to

weakness and dizziness (extreme dizziness honestly). I have days where its

even a struggle to breathe, the most simple thing in the world. It gets

depressing at times... When you spend all ur time in bed or a wheelchair it

really can vet discouraging... But I'm still fighting. And I'm so happy I

am. And like I said, Taylor always lifts me up. Even on my worst, most

disabled and bed ridden days. Oh, that reminds me... I also have seizures

now, sadly. But I hadn't had what happened that night at the RED tour in a

while though... Until one night last year... While I was seeing Ed Sheeran

in Gillette Stadium 😂 Maybe its him?? I dont know 😂 Anyway, I spend most

days in bed, and I do online schooling now. I've seen Taylor twice since

then. For 1989 and for reputation. With 1989 I needed a lot of help but I

got through it. Reputation, it had gotten so bad I needed a wheelchair and

I still do whenever I go out, really. I dont have full control over my body

and I'm too weak and just very sick. I'm really hoping to go to lover fest

but if i do will need a wheelchair and even then I'll probably still feel

sick... But Taylors worth it ❤ Hopefully can get ada seating like with rep.

Wanted to keep this last part short but I think I failed 😂 Mainly wanted

to focus on the red tour. My health story is so incredibly long, I couldn't

say it all (maybe I will later). However, for now, I will tell you this, I

was diagnosed with a thyroid disease, migraines, and seizures. Then it was

discovered that all of this... Was advanced Lyme Disease... And it created

something called Dysautonomia (basically a disfunction of the autonomic

nervous system, which most people don't even realize they have, or how

important it is, until it makes you sick and either nearly kills or

cripples you... Depending on the kind though.) Also known as POTS, or

Postural Orthostatic Tachycardia Syndrome (there are actually 15 kids of

dysautonomia, that being one of them, I might possibly have more than one

kinda, were not sure yet. But its basically half cardiology half

neurology). And there's no cure... I could be this way, this disabled and

sick for a while... But there are treatments that might work luckily!!!

Since there are no Dysautonomia clinics in Maine, I either have to go to

New York, Baltimore, Cleveland, or Minneapolis. So looks like im taking a

trip! Sadly to a hospital, but still 😊 I honestly don't know how we'll pay

for it, but I need it, or I will spend my life like this. So I'm sure we'll

find a way... Like I always seem to do in life, no matter what 😊❤ Oh, and

funny thing is, I have something called PANS as well... So I have Pots and

Pans 😂😂😂 Anyway, I just wanted to share this with you guys because like

I said you guys are always so great and Taylor is my favorite artist so I

wanted to share it with the people who understand my love for her. I've

been a huge fan of her for 13 years (I'm 18, 19 next month, now). Theres

something about her... She's always helped me but especially now. She makes

me so happy and feel so safe during this time... Im fact, the only time i

smile like i did when I was younger,before all of this, is when I listen to

Taylor. I even have a Long Live tattoo on my wrist because I felt it

represented my love for her the most, and what we've made as a fandom, the

magic we've created. Plus, it reminds me that I'm fighting my battle (this

"dragon") with Taylor and her music on my side, as well as all of you. And

it makes me smile. I can't wait to get more Taylor tattoos... Honestly,

after all of this and the other health issues I faced as a baby and a

child, I can't believe I'm still here, that I'm still living... Especially

because since I've always been so sick with so many different illnesses and

health issues to the point I'm disabled, my immune system is so weak. I

truly cannot believe I'm still here. But... I guess my body just isn't

ready to give up. It hasn't yet at least!!! And it doesn't want to. It

won't. I'm strong. Me, and my body, want to fight until the very end. And

I'm grateful for that. So grateful that I am still alive, and still

fighting every day of my life. It might be hard, and I can't function or do

really anything but lay in bed and watch tv most days, but I'm just so

thankful that I'm still alive, that it's okay I have to be at the doctors

so much and have to take all these meds (I do anything at this point that

can help me even the slighest). And no matter what life throws at my

health, my body always fights it and gets right back up. I fall down 10

times, I stand up 11. And I could not have the courage and strength to do

this if it wasn't for my idol, Taylor Swift. I've been a fan of Taylor for

13 years (I'm 18 now, 19 next month) so her and her music have helped me

through every problem I have ever faced, and this is no different. She has

a song for everything, so I can always find something to listen to that

makes me feel like she understands and she's telling me it'll be okay...

And ever since LOVER came out, I've been listening to soon you'll get

better on days its really bad, and my girlfriend sends me that song on bad

days too... It makes me feel safe. And like I can fight this. Thank you,

Taylor. I will never be able to repay you. I may struggle with this every

single day im here on earth, but with your music and the support I feel

from the swiftie fam, I know I'll get through it. Anyway... I guess I

should end this here. Again, sorry this is so long but if you read this

thank you so much for taking the time to!! If you made it to this point,

I'm proud 😂❤ And it means the world to me, you have no idea. Im hoping

this will get to Taylor and maybe even Ed one day. I love you all so much

and once again, thank you for reading!! ❤❤❤

@taylorswift @taylornation 🌈❤ @taylornotices 💜

(Pic is from when I was in First Aid at Ed Sheeran. It was so bad there

they had to give me an IV. I was in the first aid station, wrapped up in my

nightmare before Christmas blanket, on a stretcher with an IV in my hand

pretty much the entire night. It was so painful. When I arrived to first

aid I was actually unresponsive. Like I knew what was happening but I

couldn't talk or open my eyes. All I could do was make very small

movements. It felt like my body was shutting down. I was having bad heart issues as well and they wanted to give me a medicine fot my nausea but since I had lyme disease it could make my heart issues worse so they had to give me an EKG... Right there at the concert 😂 Interesting... But, I got through it.

Like always 😊 So yeah thats where the

picture is from ❤)

#taylurking #taylorswift #taylorstans #taylornation #red #redtour #edsheeran #lymedisease #dysautonomia #taylorlurking #i love you taylor #tay #usertaylornotices #tswift

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fairycosmos · 5 years

Note

*urgent* I'm feeling really suicidal tonight. I just feel like I cannot survive this and i cannot go on. i have nothing to live for. nothing. I feel so alone and so sad and i just cant do it anymore. I would never kms and I wont do anything stupid. But what do I do about these feelings... I cannot sleep tonight and i just keep crying. please help :(

hey love. im really sorry to hear that. some nights just feel so impossible. it goes beyond words and all conceivable thought. i don't blame you at all for breaking down and crying - while it's painful, it's honestly ok and necessary to process negative emotions. you're not doing anything wrong. the important part is knowing that self destruction won't get rid of them. you feel like you can't go on, you acknowledge it, but you never act on it. you but try your best to cope and practice some self compassion until things feel lighter, usually when the sun comes up, and you can try again. it's a really good sign that you're able to say on a logical level that you won't harm yourself. always hold onto that. do you not what triggered this? what usually distracts/helps/calms you? what do you need in this moment? is there anyone you can call or text? when you're able to, take a deep breath and try to have an honest conversation with yourself. it's alright if you don't have all of the answers. but taking the time to identify short term solutions could really make a difference. if you have to cry or just lie in bed before you get to that point, that's alright too. there's no specific blueprint for his to handle such a dark moment, but ultimately this is just a fleeting moment in your life. and that doesn't mean it's not allowed to hurt but, your worth and experience as a human being is not going to collapse under the weight of your thoughts. instead, you're going to learn as you go. you're so much more capable than you realize. and i don't say that off handedly. you have so much time to figure it out, to become your whole self. and maybe in this moment you don't want that future, and i understand. five more minutes with this feeling doesn't feel worth ten years without it, right? but your life waits for you regardless. and it is ever changing, never set in stone - not doomed to feel as heavy as it all does right now. it's rare to be alive. you have forever to leave it behind. you will get through this because you have the tools to do so, you know? and it's fine if you don't quite believe me, but it doesn't make it any less true.

some suggestions about what you can actually do proactively in this moment to get out of your head: cry as much as you want, write about how you're feeling, get a glass of water and engage with something else (a book, tv, whatever you like), meditate (youtube has some really good ones for depression), call a suicide hotline or a friend/family member if necessary, listen to music, sit outside and breathe, rest when you can. obviously these things aren't meant to absolve you of your issues long term, but just directing your attention else where and weathering the storm is the whole point. just like what you're doing right now by sending this. it may feel stupid or weird to engage in such activities but they do prevent you from obsessing over your thoughts. they lend you some perspective.

i don't know what you've been through or what has led you to this moment, and i won't pretend to. but there are so many ways to learn to manage that don't involve harming yourself. trouble with that is it's exhausting isn't it? trying is so tiring. so the tears are partially a way for your body and mind to let it all out. it's okay. we all have lose it at times. we're human. but you will always be given the chance to start over when you wake up the next day, and that's really something. most importantly though, if you're having frequent suicidal thoughts then i really think seeking professional help is your best option if possible. as a long term solution anyway. it may be scary and uncomfortable but it won't be as bad as your brain wants you to believe. and you deserve to talk about what hurts, to identify the causes of your pain, to learn how to implement healthy coping mechanisms into your life. there's so much that can be done: therapy, meds, exercises. you don't have to die to let go of this frame of mind. please just consider it. don't write the idea off even if you want to. and if for some reason it's not possible, then i hope you know that there are often a lot of community support groups and resources available to people in your position. others have been where you are, they get it to some extent, and you're not alone no matter how isolated you feel. i get that it's daunting, i just believe in you. and i know that your presence on this planet has had a positive impact in ways you can't even comprehend because you're blinded by the idea you have of yourself (as we all are.) you will find so many meanings and reasons to live as you grow into your whole self. even something as small as wanting to see the seasons change. where you're at right now is not where you'll always be dude. and bad nights are just that, bad nights. so if you put your energy into getting by one day at a time, then you're doing it, and life will carve a path for u regardless. but you have to give yourself a chance to get to that point, yeah? if one day feels like too much, focus on surviving the hour. even the minute. eventually you'll look up and see that change was always inevitable in the best way. you are not your low moments. im rooting for you with all my heart and hoping you stay safe tonight, and always. i'll understand if this doesn't resonate with you, but i mean it all. it's here for you to come back to. let me know if you need a friend or if you want to talk. take care, take it easy. get some sleep when you can.

#tw suicide #life is so hard isn't it #stay safe #anon

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sandwyrm · 5 years

Text

TL;DR melancholic rant on why I took the writing in WoW so badly this year just to get it all out and finish my fucking five stages of grief spin routine.

Gonna read more it, it’s probably gonna end up super long and unedited really so don’t feel obligated to read lol

I am one of those losers that has been with Warcraft for the whole 25 years. I watched the company grow from “check out this FULL GAME coming with this gaming magazine! it’s called Warcraft: Orcs and Humans!” to being the biggest MMO around and celebrating 25 years while the world is burning. And when I was younger, it was perfect. It had everything. Nice gameplay, cool and funny voices, decent graphics for its time, cool models, and it started having a story too. Perf!

I never got along well with my brother, but by the gods the only fond memories I have of him are centered around Warcraft. Watching him play WC1. Him teaching me to play WC2. Me playing WC3. Him leaving our abusive home to hide out in internet cafes, and my parents sending me to look for him, and us just staying in there for hours, me watching him play WC3. Fond memories of us getting our two toaster computers hooked up for LAN to play WC over it.

Then WoW came, and my brother first got us an US account - it was impossible to play cross-region back then, our lag was immense, in the thousand of ms on a good day. So then an EU account. First rolled on Sylvanas, one of the biggest servers back then, then on Twisting Nether. I would skip school just so I could play because my toaster wouldn’t run it, only my brother’s computer, so when he was at work I’d be skipping high school playing WoW (I did fine, don’t worry). I invested so much time into my vanilla account it’s surreal. I wouldn’t be shocked if I found out it has more /played than the rest of my life in the game. I met my ex on TN. I still have my vanilla account and characters on EU TN. The relationship with my ex doesn’t matter, it was abusive, toxic, I was a dumb optimist that stayed in it, doesn’t matter. He tried to get me to stop playing WoW. I still remember many instances when he went off on me for seeing me online, it’s 5 years since I broke up with him and like 8 since I stopped playing WoW with him and my heart still skips a beat when I get a whisper or hear the guild member login sound. It was that bad. He sure did his best to make me play the game only with him, “because he didn’t trust me and I would cheat on him through the game” - guys, if any of you are in this boat, please please please, put your foot down or break up. Your interests should be sacred and respected, as should be your entire person. But I digress.

Instead of breaking up, I went the mature route of buying a US license, and playing it while he was at work or I was visiting my parents. I rolled on a RP server for the first time ever, and it was probably the best decision of my life, so, gotta thank my abusive ex for that. I met many wonderful people, have many wonderful things on that account, and another 7 years of wonderful things on my EU account.

Then, the community itself. I hate it. Believe me, I hate the playerbase and fanbase of WoW with a burning passion. But at the same time, I have met amazing, wonderful, intelligent, friendly people I love and respect and wish the best for (if you’re reading this you’re part of this, yes, don’t let your brain trick you into thinking you’re a horrible person lol). This is another fun arc. I started in the cringe culture. OCs are lame, who makes OCs lol. Then I became, I make OCs and cringe culture can die. Same with characters, but it’s different there. Oh, so different.

See, I began by loving the obvious characters - Thrall, Jaina, Sylvanas, Tyrande, Malf, the works. I didn’t even like Garrosh much as his arc was unfolding - between the thing with my ex, quitting Cataclysm, changing regions and restarting, I didn’t really have a chance to dwell into him fully. He became a villain and I was all yeah okay. Iguess.jpg. I even wanted him out of the story at his peak edgelord moments because I liked Anduin more obviously. WoD was something I did not process almost at all because I was high on a cocktail of pain meds and post-partum depression and sleep deprivation. Legion was pointless bullcrap in my eyes on the main story factor, and I sort of enjoyed BFA until the whole Saurfang sucks Sylvanas fucks deal in the writer dept and fandom.

Deciding to finally read the novels I had missed out on, and reading War Crimes, was what propelled me into “hahahahahah these idiots actually acquitted Garrosh of crimes in this book? Are they for fucking real?” and actually realizing the entire arc was a complete mess, BFA is a mess, the writer dept is a mess, and suddenly, I had no footing to stand anymore. A spit in the face, and then it overlapped the Saurfang hErOiC sAcRiFiCe special edition. I sort of had a breakdown and I hid it behind “well Saurfang was hot lol now I don’t have my orc grandpa anymore” but it was deeper than that.

See, when we get into a setting, we have this selfish expectation that it will grow with us. That it will mature with us. Keep up with us. That we will always enjoy this setting, definitely not as starry eyed as we did as children, but that it will always be good. ATLA is a great example. Dragonlance is still good. Star Wars may be hammy and have tons of issues now as an adult, but it’s still good. But Warcraft was my lifeblood for 25 years. And to know that not only it did not grow with me, but it regressed beyond belief, destroyed me in a strange sense. Kind of like losing a friend, a family member. They didn’t just kill Saurfang for me, the setting died with him as far as I’m concerned. Because he was the last bastion of what interested me in it.

I am that weirdo that loves, loves, war movies and books. I devour them. That was part of my downfall, and the writers and fanbase of WoW so often make it feel like it is, somehow, MY FAULT (just like Garrosh getting backstabbed repeatedly was his fault I guess?) It feels like it’s my fault that I care about weird things like the Geneva Conventions, and the Paris Conventions, and so on and so forth. It feels like I’m the idiot for knowing basic military tactics and conventions. It feels like I’m the idiot for wanting WARcraft to, at all, even a little bit, bear any resemblance to real wars, to real military tactics, to genuine war stories with genuinely well written soldiers. In my folly and pride, I forgot it’s first and foremost, a fantasy setting, a simplistic one at that.

It insulted me these guys can’t even google what consists a war crime. It insults me to my core these guys paint the ONE (1) character who goes all “hey maybe.... weird concept but..... maybe not kill kids, or torture prisoners, or kill unarmed soldiers and civilians. Maybe show COMPASSION”, that this guy had to go. It also insults me the only other character who listened to him - Garrosh, yes - was written as the setting’s biggest fucking villain to this day, and it needed some real fucking propaganda and twisting of the OBJECTIVE narrative to get that to pass, and yet it successfully passed by so many, including myself years ago as it unfolded.

At this point, it’s insulting to see the same themes - mentally unstable or hurt people deserve to suffer and die, there is no happiness because happiness and happy endings are for toddlers, we are just edgelords jacking off to our self inserts, world isn’t fair because real world isn’t fair anyway kiddo grow up, and what the fuck is honor even we just make it up no? Also objective facts and lore? Fuck that who cares lmao.

Here’s the deal.

War stories NEED hope. I can handle watching a whole regimen be killed in brutal ways in war, because REAL war stories always leave you SOMETHING at the end that was worth the whole pain. In a REAL war story, perhaps Saurfang would have still committed suicide by proxy in front of everyone, but people around him would have actually then gone and maybe fucking went “you know what he was correct. Let’s write the Geneva Conventions.” In a REAL war story, it would have been handled so much better. And perhaps, in a REAL war story, he would have survived. With so much loss, so much pain, and yet - with HOPE. Hope, for HIMSELF, for the future. Not the generic bullshit hOpE they tried to write into him. yOu CaNt KiLL hOpE....... Yes, you can. You fucking can. By killing off the last fucking character in the setting that cared about actual military honor (not just the buzzword it is in this fandom and setting), the last fucking character that cared about tomorrow, about fighting for a better world. That’s how you kill hope. And in my eyes, they did so damn well.

Because I don’t want to sit around and be insulted for another 25 years that I’m the only idiot who expects tactics, honor, a good outcome, a hopeful ending. Because I have reached the point I hate being in this game only to hear sTrEnGtH aNd hOnOr when it literally means nothing. Because I reached a point I hate watching the double standards they apply to their precious babes while the minor characters get thrown under the bus for way less. Because I reached a point where the fandom trying to go all “but Alex, someone has to set a precedent for a war crime trial!” means jack shit when nobody ELSE has been tried for any war crimes AFTER Garrosh (which would’ve been PEACHY by the fucking way). Because I got to a point Blizzcon gave me goddamn anxiety every time someone IMed me to tell me an announcement, and I got to a point I blacklisted half the tags on tumblr because I walk in to read what my friends have been up to and some damn Discourse makes its way to my dash, only for me to find myself feeling stupid and in the wrong for liking Saurfang. Not even Garrosh, which I would admit is Problematic(tm) but goddamn Saurfang. Leave it to this setting and fandom for making me feel stupid and idiotic and in the wrong for loving the goddamn war movie protagonist.

And at the end of it all, after much debate, I don’t think I will quit the setting. Writers don’t care, about their lore, about their characters, about us. The other fans don’t care who they hurt with their edgy rhetoric, I sure as fuck didn’t when I was younger and dumber myself. I’m sure eventually the wound will close completely and I’ll dissociate again from the story and fanbase and enjoy the gameplay and my very wonderful friends. First step in that, just for me, is to not buy Shadowlands. The xpack after, perhaps, it depends. But just out of spite, I will be that one idiot who has a sub running but doesn’t give a +1 sale on Shadowlands. Just for myself.

Second step...? Who knows.... Who the hell knows what tomorrow will bring... This has indeed hurt worse than anything in my life. I have been going through the stages of grief - jokingly or seriously - since 8.2.5 now (and a whole load of 5 months of pure anger before that processing Garrosh’s arc from an objective standpoint). I cried more over the death of Saurfang (and the setting) than over my ex of 10 years leaving me as a single mom, or over all my other relationships combined. I’m not ashamed to admit that even if it’s cRiNgY. Like I said, it wasn’t just the death of one fictional character, but the death of a setting I loved and grew up with. The final acceptance that there is nothing left for me in the setting that shaped my interests, art, writing, and all that. That my interests have gone too far in other directions - optimism, actual war stories, good stories, being a mature individual, acknowledging mentally ill or divergent characters and not making excuses for author darlings. It’s a weird thing... Like the final acceptance that I have lost what could qualify as a dear friend or family member. While they are still alive and interacting with me daily. Like a breakup. But way worse. It is a pain I wish on noone honestly. But I do hope against hope, like an idiot, that other settings, other writers, future generations of writers, will do better. I know they won’t. But I’ll take my sliver of hope.

And if you read this far, I do genuinely hope the game - this game, any other interests - will keep bringing joy to you. And also, help yourself to a cookie. Thanks <3 I wish you a good day/weekend.

#salt #negativity

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fatrainbowmermaidunicorn · 6 years

Text

Girl Back Home (Jimin x You x Jungkook) // Chapter 8

A/N : And also, I’m trying a new thing here. if anyone here like my stories and want to give some support, why not buy me a coffee? ☕💜

MASTERLIST

“Who are you?”

The girl lets out a long sinister laugh.

“Me? I’m your guardian angel Hara. I’m going to help you get you precious Jiminie back,” she lets out another evil laugh and walks towards Hara with confidence, sitting in the chair opppsite her, crossing her legs.

“H-how do you know me? And why do you want to help me?”

“Tsk,” the girl crosses her arms and smirks. “How hurtful it is that you dont know me. We are going to be sisters after this and you dont know who I am?”

“Sisters?”

“Urgh you are really oblivious arent you?” The girl rolled her eyes. “I’m Chae Rin, Jungkookie’s girlfriend. Dont you read the papers? And we are going to be sisters after you marry Jimin and I will surely marry Kookie,” she smiles. Jungkook’s girlfriend? Hara cracked her brain to try and remembers. Isnt Y/N Jungkook’s girlfriend? She take a good hard look at Chae Rin’s face and something familiar starts to popped up in her mind. Right, the recent news said Jungkook and Y/N has broken up and this girl right here is his new girlfriend.

“Chae Rin?” Hara lets out a wide smile and puts out her hand for a friendly handshake. “I look forward to being sisters with you then,” she giggles. With this girl’s help,Hara is sure she can keep Y/N away from both Jimin and Jungkook. What does those two sees in a country girl like that is above her. They have two beautiful idol right here and they are still chasing after that country bumpkin Y/N. Something must be really wrong with those two. But no worries, Chae Rin and her will make them see again.

“So I’m guessing you want that bitch away from your fiancee as much as I want her away from my Kookie am I right?” Chae Rin leans forward in her chair.

“Yes of course. Jimin just broke off our engagement because of her! There is no way in hell I’m going to let her steal Jimin from me! Jimin is mine and mine alone!” Hara shrieked, making Chae Rin laugh.

“Chill out. I know how you feel,”

“But wait. Didnt Kookie and her broke up? You are his new girlfriend now arent you? Then what is your issue ?”

“He might have broken up with her, but I can tell Kookie is still pining over her. I need to get rid of her once and for all. To get her as far away as I can from Kookie,” Hara nodded at her explanation but something is bothering her. How? How are ywo girls with a packed schedule and high profile image is going to do it?

“But how Chae Rin? Do you have a plan?” Hara is curious.

“Not yet. But I have someone who can help us,” she grins.

“Help us? Who? Should we really involve more people in this?”

“Oh dont worry. He is the one who suggested this partnership to me. And ask me to reached out for you,” Chae Rin play with her nails cockily. “And you know him quite well too,”

“Know him?” Hara looks puzzled and confused. Who would volunteerily help them? And why? “Who? Who is he? And when can I meet this person?”

“Right now,” Chae Rin lets out another evil grin and the door open once again, a man standing there, smiling.

“Hello Hara,”

“Y-you?”

/////

Jungkook pulled his hat low as he leans behind the tree. He feels like a damn stalker. Come to think of it, he is a stalker. Thats is exactly what he is doing, stalking Y/N.

After he accidentally heard Jimin’s confession to Taehyung the other day about how nothing happened between him and Y/N, so many things starts to run in his mind. He realized what a huge mistake he made for jumping to conclusion and dissing Y/N just like that. Without even hearing any explanation from her he broke up with her, living her with no money, no help and no choice, all helpless on her own to go back home all the way to Busan. He even dared to showed off Chae Rin in front of her when she is obviously just a random idol he flirted with to pissed Y/N off. The boys even told him that Y/N sold all her things in order to find enough money to go back home and it kills him inside to know how much damaged he has done to her. Jungkook should have just left her alone. Happy and peaceful back at home, away from all this drama. If he did, Jimin wouldnt see her again and would have just ask for a divorce through their lawyers and if they are really fated together, Jungkook is sure they will still meet one way or another. And even if they didnt,at least Jungkook wouldnt know what being in love with and thats better than falling in love with her and all this shit happened.

Without anyone knowing, Jungkook has been secretly buying back everything that Y/N sold. Even if she hates him for the rest of eternity, the least he can do is to return back everything she has ever own. Things that are precious to her. Jungkook knows chances to be with Y/N again is slim to never, but he can atleast try to make her happy from afar.

Jungkook sighed as he leans into the tree. He has been coming back home to Busan without anyone, especially Jimin, knowing in his free time, to spy on Y/N. He wanted so much to talk to her, but he cant. Y/N slammed the door right at his face when he tried the first time after he heard Jimin’s and Taehyung’s conversation the other day and he never tried again ever since. Instead, he follows her around like a coward all day. If Y/N really wants nothing to do with him, the least he can do is to follow her to soothe down the feeling of missing her. Atleast until he figures out his next move to win her again.

/////

Hara looks at the man, the last person she would have ever imagined to help her get rid of Y/N.

“You looked surprised Hara. Didnt expect to see me I presumed?” he chuckles and take a seat besides Chae Rin.

“Y-yeah. I didnt expect this at all…” Hara avoided his eyes and takes a deep breath before looking at him again. "Is this real? Are you really going to help us get rid of Y/N?“

"Yes of course,” he laughs. “Why else would I be here?”

“I-I dont know. I have so many questions. I’m just confused,” she fiddled with her fingers.

“Then ask me what you want to know,”

“Why are you helping me? Helping us, I mean?” She looks at Chae Rin. “I mean… isnt Jimin and Jungkook your close friend? Your brother? If they really do love Y/N like they claimed they do,wouldnt it hurt them if you get rid of Y/N? Why would you want to get rid of Y/N then?”

The man laugh at her question, looking at her and smirks.

“I can sense that you have a lot of doubt Hara. Are you sure you are willing to see Jimin get hurt when we get rid of Y/N?”

“I-I dont want to see him hurt. I really love Jimin..” she looks down for a moment before lifting her eyes up again. “But I cant lose him. I will die if I lose him. Jimin is my life. I cant imagine my world without him,”

“Tsk, this is why love is stupid,” the man laugh. “I am never one to believe in this feeling call love. I know for sure that emotions only give us problems. But those two idiots went ahead and fall in love anyway,”

“If you are not doing it for their happiness… or for love… why are you here? Helping us?” Hara starts to doubt the whole thing even more. She really doesnt want to hurt Jimin. She really sincerely loves him. She wants to get out of this deal with the minimum amount of hurt for Jimin.

“Oh Hara. Dont get me wrong. I am not doing this for your precious love for Jimin. Or for this gold digger over here,” he points to Chae Rin who just laughs.

“Hey, Jungkook is also very hot and amazing in bed,” she laughs.

“Whateter,” the man rolls his eyes. “I’m doing this because I care. I care about both Jimin and Jungkook. You are right, they are like brothers to me and that is exactly the reason why I’m doing this,”

“What do you mean?”

“Y/N is breaking our brotherhood, the band and the bond we have apart. And I cant have that. Jimin was happy with you, and Im sure he will be happy again. And Jungkook.. well, he was fine without Y/N in his life before and he will be fine again. Afterall, Chae Rin over here can help him lick his wound,” he laughs. “So believe me Hara when I said I will help. Because I’m being honest here. Its not because of you or her, its for my own selfish reason. I want my brotherhood to be intact again,”

Hara kept quiet as she digest everything that the man just said. Everything makes more sense now. She cant believe it if he said hes helping because he wants her and Jimin to be together, but now that he admits his own selfish reason, Hara knows what he said is true. There is no reason to doubt him anymore.

“Okay. I’m in,”

“Thats good to hear,” he leans back in his chair.

“So… whats the plan? Do we already have one?”

“Well, I have one. And its a good one too,” he smirks. “And I need you two to pay Y/N a visit to deliver this little news to her,”

/////

“Jimin, if thats you, go away! I changed the locks and I told you to not come here anymore!” Y/N yells out as she makes her way to the door after the excessive knocking didnt stop for a full 15 minutes. Sighing and huffing, sure that its Jimin outside, Y/N swing open the door in exhaustion, ready to give him a piece of her mind. But to her surprise, standing in front of her are two very beautiful woman, woman she recognizes and unfortunately not from a happy occasion.

“H-Hara? A-and I’m sorry I dont know your name but you are Jungkook-ssi’s girlfriend right? We met that day at the lobby,” she gave a tiny smile and bows.

“Oh wow, so sweet and polite,” Chae Rin rolls her eyes and turn to Hara. “No wonder your fiancee is in love with her,” she smirks and pushed her way inside the house, pushing Y/N to the side along the way. Hara gave Y/N a tight smile and bows back and follows Chae Rin in. Yes, she hates Y/N for stealing Jimin from her, but theres just something in her eyes that feels wrong. Its as if Y/N is deeply hurt and in pain and is just exhausted.

Y/N follows the two who already make themselves comfortable in her small living room.

“Uh… do you want some tea? I-I can go and make some,”

“No. Its fine. Just sit,” Chae Rin points a finger to Y/N and the empty chair opposite of them, and Y/N follows nervously. What are these two doing here? Why cant anyone and anything to do with Jimin and Jungkook just leave her alone?

“I’m pretty sure you know why we are here?” Chae Rin starts off.

“N-no. Not really no. But I’m guessing its something to do with Jimin and Jungkook?”

“What a smart girl she is Hara!” Chae Rin laughs sarcastically and clapped her hands and Hara just glare at her. “Why are you glaring at me for? Shes the one who stole your fiancee!”

“Shut up!” Hara sneered.

“Anyway,” Chae Rin roll her eyes at Hara’s remark. “You are right. We are here because of Jimin and Jungkook. As you already know, this beautiful lady here is Hara, Jimin’s fiancee,” she enunciate the words fiancee, just in case Y/N didnt get it. “And I am Chae Rin, Jungkook’s girlfriend. Hopefully, soon to be fiancee and wife too,” she smiles.

Y/N swallowed the bitter taste in her mouth. Just a few weeks ago Jungkook was declaring his undying love for her and now he is going to marry this girl. Its true Jungkook hurts her, but Y/N cant deny that she still loves him. He loves him very much and Chae Rin’s remarks are hurting her so much.

“O-okay…”

“And we are here to tell you to leave our man alone,”

“Leave them alone?” Y/N’s brows furrowed. “But Hara, Chae Rin, I dont have anything going with them anymore. Nothing,” Y/N’s innocent wide eyes fuel the anger in Hara. How dare she denies it when she already heard the truth from Jimin’s own mouth!

“Oh yeah? Then why the hell did Jimin broke off our engagement after he came back from spending weeks in Busan?! And dont even lie to me. I know for a fact that hes here with you and he even told me himself the reason is because he is in love with you, you shameless bitch!” Hara growls.

“I-I,” Y/N was taken aback by Hara’s outburst. Jimin broke their engagement off? This is news to her. She didnt know. She really didnt. She also didnt want anything to do with Jimin anymore. “Hara I didnt know. And I swear I didnt ask him to break it off with you. In fact I ask him to go back to you. I dont want Jimin!”

“How about Jungkook then? You say you dont want Jimin. So you want Jungkook then?!” Chae Rin suddeny interfere before Hara can say anything.

“I- Jungkook and I-”

“So its true then. You do love Jungkook!” Y/N looks down, not being able to deny her feelings, which makes Chae Run boils in anger. She stood up and was about to walk towards Y/N to give her a tight slap across the face but Hara held her back.

“Control yourself Chae Rin! And remember what we are here for!” She pulls her hand back, making the angry woman sits down.

“Urghh fine! But this bitch has the nerve to tell me that she loves my Kookie. Mine!” She yells out, hands busy rummaging through her expensive handbag to take out an envelope. Chae Rin throws the envelope on the table.

“W-whats that?” Y/N, who is trembling in fear looks at them.

“That is the reason we are here. The only way to make sure you truly stay away from Jimin and Jungkook,” Chae Rin sneered.

“B-but I dont want Jimin nor Jungkook. Theres nothing between us. I swear. I swear!” Y/N trembles as she reached out for the envelope.

“It doesnt matter if you dont want anything to do with Jimin or Jungkook, Y/N. What matters is that the two of them wants you. And we are going to make sure there is nothing about you left for them to love anymore,” Chae Rin smirks. “Or even worse, we are going to make sure you stay so far away from them that they cant even reach you even if they want to,”

“W-why? Whats all this? I didnt do anything,” Y/N’s tears starts to flow out from her eyes as she reads the papers in the envelope. A law suit. A million dollars lawsuit.

“Its a law suit honey. For illegal distribution of information and blackmailing,” Chae Rin grins as Hara just kept quiet, guilt in her eyes. “Let me make it clear for you in case your simple country mind couldnt understand hmm?"she smiles sweetly. "This is a lawsuit that says you breached the contract you sign when you pretend to be Kookie’s girlfriend by providing information and pictures to the press that is not sanctioned by the company to make money. And this one,” she picks up another,“ is a lawsuit for blackmailing. You are apparently blackmailing the company to pay you a certain amount of money if they want you to stop providing the photos,”

“But I didnt do any of this!”

“Well, too bad. The PD receive information from someone that he trusts that you did,”

“Why? Why are you doing this to me?!”

“Well honey. You are free to get a lawyer if you say you didnt do it. And get a good one at that too hmm?” Chae Rin snickered.

“B-but I cant afford a lawyer. I dont even barely have enough money to even eat!”

“Well then I guess,enjoy prison!” Chae Rin laughs as she stands up, ready to leave, with Hara following behind. “Hey, at least you get free food in prison right?”

“No. Please dont. Dont do this!” Y/N chased after them to beg, getting hold of Hara’s hand.

“I’m sorry Y/N… but I cant lose Jimin. And I cant forgive you for stealing him from me,” Hara looks at Y/N softly with guilt in her eyes before walking away, but Y/N pull her hand again.

“Hara, listen to me! I didnt steal Jimin. If anything you are the one who steals him from me!” Y/N is desperate. She doesnt want Hara to find out this way. She can see how she truly loves Jimin but she has no choice.

“What do you mean?”

“Hara,” Y/N looks into her eyes. “Jimin is my husband. We have been married even before he debuted. Even before he met you,”

“W-what?”

/////

“What do you mean? There is no way Y/N would do that! No she would never!” Jungkook slammed his fist on the table,making the PD frowns at the maknae’s behavior.

“Jungkook…” he warns.

“I’m sorry PD-nim. But I have to agree with Kookie here. There is no way Y/N would sell information on us! Nor would he ever blackmail for money!” Jimin frowns. The two of them were called into the office one day, where the PD sits them down and tell them that the lawsuit has been filed and hopefully everything will be over. The news came as a shocked to the both of them. Lawsuit? Blackmailing? There is no way Y/N would do what he said she did. The two of them are sure of it. Also, they are in panic knowing Y/N is facing a lawsuit and is alone and helpless right now.

God damn it. She must be scared to death.

“I’m sorry guys but the evidence is there. All the information that the press received are information that only her and the seven of you would know. She also told them about you two being married Jimin,” he looks at Jimin with a glare. “Which is something we will have a talk on soon and Jimin, you better pray hard that the press will heed to our warning and not publish the story or all hell will break loose,”

“But its not possible,” Both Jimin and Jungkook said helplessly.

“Guys, I know you trust her. We did too. But you will be surprised to know what people will do for money hmm?” PD gave them a sympathetic look and stood up. “I need to go now. We will talk about this further,”

Jimin and Jungkook sits facing each other after the PD left. Yes, they are enemies, but they are facing a greater enemy right now. Trust. Did Y/N really did it?

“Its not possible Kookie. I have known her for so long. This is not Y/N!” Jimin huffed.

“I know hyung. I dont believe it too. Something is fishy. Real fishy,” Jungkook nodded.

“We need to get to the bottom of this. We need to help her Kookie. We cant leave her like that. This is our fault. We drag her into this,”

“I know and I regret ever bringing her here. I should habe just left her alone. What are we going to do hyung?” Jungkook looks at Jimin with fear and panics in his eyes.

“Are you two seriously thinking of ways to help Y/N after what she had done to you? Revealing information about you, blackmailing and putting our career and band in danger?” A voice leans against the door.

“Hyung! You already know about this?” Jungkook looks up.

“Then help us hyung. Y/N didnt so this. We know she didnt,” Jimin stood up,walking towards his hyung.

“How do you know for sure? She might really only be using you two for her own benefit!”

“No. I can swear on it!” Jimin shakes his head. “She didnt do it,”

“Hyung. You have to help us. Please!” Jungkook begs.

“No! Im not going to let you two ruin your lives over her!” The two were surprised at their hyung’s answer.

“Hyung? What are you saying?” Jimin looks at him in the eye.

“Yeah hyung. What are you saying?” Jungkook marched forward, anger in his eyes. “Hyung, it doesnt matter if you help us or not, we will do anything and everything to get Y/N out of this mess. I love her and I wont let her suffer because of us!” Jungkook walks out but his hand gets pulled back into the room.

“No. No motherfucking way! I didnt work this hard and do all this just so you two can ruin your life and crawl back to that bitch!”

“Hyung? Y-you did this?” Jimin’s eyes widened.

“You fucking did this?!” Jungkook screamed out. “Why would you?! We trusted you! You are our brother!”

“I’m sorry but one day you will know that this is for your own good. I dont care about Y/N, I only care about the two of you. And her being here is ruining everything. Cant you see? Her presence is only breaking you two, all of us, apart! We dont need her. You two were happy before her and we can be that again. We are Bangtan! We only need each other!”

Jungkook shakes his head and walks forward, gripping his hyung’s collar.

“I cant believe you of all people would do this! I was wrong about you, Namjoon-hyung,”

A/N: soooooo who had guessed it was Joonie raise your hands!

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weabbynormalblog · 3 years

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Childhood trauma=Adult Survivor

The things we tell ourselves. Be careful for what you wish for. Its really important to stop crying over shit you can't change or control.

I know its hard. Don't do this don't do that etc. Suffering is necessary especially if your a Buddhist and certainly if your human.

The Sercret, The law of attraction, the latest buzz words, you'll catch more bees with honey, that's a fact. Act now! Try this! Find the easy way out? Is there an easy way? No decision is still a decision. Stay, go, turn in circles, pondering the all of its entirety. All vying as your solution. Yes like attracts Like. FACT Belief overules like. Thats why "This shit of attracting is all wrong!". " Hello? Belief is everything!" Its our level of personal experience that is my "now" domain. I'm the God here in my life in this body today. I believe what I believe till I believe otherwise...I say the human experience should be all-inclusive, empathetic, understanding and supportive. Most people and humanitarians would agree. That's not how nature works. Survival of the fitess. Do or die. Like attracts like and I get tackled and body slammed to the ground. Why? Am I a bad person because of "xyz"? Nope. Did I do something to someone else? No. This time it was all because I was mad, triggered and I exploded; had a verbal melt down. The neighbor was disturbed by my authentic emotions. No nukes were sent, no one is getting hurt here. Just venting and trying to work out my anger. Not to hold shit in and to stop the rings of abuse. Clearly the other person in the room was overwhelmed too. Im trying to solve some issues instead I get yelling and fuck yous. I know this is not my fault!!!??? I know the whatever happened to me. "Insert major life changing event here" I am changed there is no doubt...nothing worked out as I hopped or wished it. Even so I took all steps necessary and just the same outcome. Still void, suffering and unremarkable. Yet I am where I am. No further along or better or worst off. Cha cha cha! And I must do without and put up with injustice. Denied!!! All my emotions are tied up in a neat, tight, the most perfect, best ball of raw ugly emotions on a kitchen timer ever ...I can't talk to anyone about anything, thier shackles get up and they go on the defensive, then arguing and me walking away because again I am unable to communicate what I need and overwhelmed again by my situation. Unable to communicate what is necessary for us solve our issues to move on together or apart. Grrrrr This is so common for us with brain injury, PTSD and many other host of mental health issues. There is so much that needs to be said that it gets left unsaid. Often its too late for those in need. Its very difficult to relate and communicate effectively beyond our frustration with others. We don't have the copping tools or vocabulary to express it in times of great frustration or in dire situations specifically. Am I doing something wrong? How do I change it? I must also learn to protect myself as well. So I try to diffuse with humor. So hey dial it back a thousand buddy, calm down~ me im doing my breathing exercise "listen I got high blood pressure" in hopes they back down and talk calmly and nope. Another deep breath counting on the in to 5 hippopotamus hold 6 out 7 or 9 hippopotamus depending on my stress level at the time. Look I got a Brain injury, cant we get along? Meet half way? Can we talk later? When were not angry? No? Then just leave me alone and finally I get to walk away having dealt with someone within conflict as effective as possible. Progress for me even though nothing was resolved ~ yes theres more pain and more frustration. Live and try again tomorrow or move on. When being in a place of anger thats all you can relate to, you are not able to understand anything else? Some can some can't. Im working on my flexibility, trust, bettering my health, down to my now moment. They want some kind of resolution and they end up dragging me back under again with things that aren't helpful for me, no truth, no resolution and just more critism and blaming. Not productive. Toxic people thrive in thier emotional power. Next step then. If they can not find the same patience you need to work on "issues" then work on improving your boundaries. Refuse to discuss issues when angry, make time to talk to suit

everyone. Agree to listen and then be heard. Set a timer. Be open, be reserved to be more distant from other people emotions and be more grounded with your own. Recognize and hone in on your own emotions. Practicing mindfulness, meditation, a healthful regime, socializing that benefits you too is necessary to being a good human. Im so tired of the fucking ripples that keep all my family apart already...All of it stems from the abuse and damage to the core of my soul that left rings on my childrens' lives as well. My Maternal Grandmother was in the Holocaust that tends to mare your parenting skills and the ripples expand. 3 to 4 generations of children no longer speaking to thier mothers. Im sure thier mothers were not to blame. No one protected me either. I was given up for adoption. I was abused. It happens.Thats ok I'll work with what I got. It can end there. No need to add to a bad situation. Maybe the 1person I sent off had my back. All because I promised Daddy Warbucks to make sure my best friend got on that plane. I understand I haven't been as good a friend to myself than I have to others. I was very self sacrificing like everything was my fault. Ive turned that bus around. At the end of the day you may think nothing matters. You matter! This world is nothing without your unique personality in it. Yet here you sit alone in fears with tears streaming down into rivers...I don't know about you but Im tired of wet feet. A lifetime of abuse and suffering very often at the hand of others. I over compensated for everything. Even my language supported it. It did surprised me on the face of Oliver that day. It was painful and it revealed more of the abuse of self to me often forgotten in the past similar moments of thier upbringings. Aha! PTSD, ADHT, me with Dyslexia no doubt I suffered along with my children. 11 years later we are finally starting to do the work that should of been done back then. No one was ready. I would of made my son sit at the table during dinner. Pressured my husband to enforce our agreed rules. Took time to feel and deal with the loss of Pearl, our marriage and business ...trying to understand our feelings, deal with our mental health issues Before seemed impossible, I never gave up on my family. i gave them the space they needed. Now theres Covid restrictions and passports. This stupid ass greedy human world. And now geography is still in our way. Its a lot and still only a fraction of what some humans suffer from the hands of other humans. Very sad. Friends will come and go. I know its what needs to happen. The toxic people have to learn thier lessons too. Next step is slow down give yourself some space and peace. Deep breathing till you feel you can respond when dealing with conflict. Or make another time to work on it. Do things at your own pace, no excuse needed they will wait, they feed off of it. Practice beneficial things. Like being self sufficient, its a struggle worthy of the time and effort. Im working to overcome my issues. I now know that's not the way that love or friendship should work. I ask why me what did I do to deserve such torture? I remind myself, it's only 1 part of the journey. Everyone hurts, cries and dies. Love should bring out the best. Not the worst. They are a lousy mirror right now. Thats ok we can still move forward. I can forgive them for what they were not capable of. I love them inspite of it all. As is, as it always has been. They were only capable of showing the negative even when I worked so hard to stay positive and be a good example. If not me then who? Critisim everywhere. No solutions only problems. They beat me down at every turn...I'm still breathing. Everything's a contest and no one ever wins. If you can't do this, then how are you going to do that? Why are you judging me and why do I care so much? I care not to be in conflict and this is what is driving or rather coloring my reality. I avoid conflict like Covid. My childhood trauma that I thought I dealt with years of therapy and moved on from was rearing its ugly head yet again. How

do I slay the beast for all time? My limiting behavior needed more help. So I needed to build a better foundation for myself. One built on everthing in its own time with practice, patience,acceptance, learning and more growth. So I won't have to walk away from conflict ever again. I can lean in and help us grow together as a couple or as a family or be what the other human needs positively in thier now moment. Sometimes its not about us, its about giving back with what we have learnt. I know it sucks that we have been thrown to the odds of fate to do better apart. Its not thier fault, or mine either. Yet heres me litterally paying for all of it. With my resources, energy, health and sanity. History has a way of slapping you in the face. Yes Im woke as fuck! Your opposition yes they too pay with thier blood, sweat and tears. Perhaps never on the same page or kiss or moment. At times my heart is so broken. Doubting thoughts need correcting. Like I want nothing much to do with the whole entire human race right now, I mean you no ill will. The Talliban kill with impunity, chaos and destruction in thier wake. Do they have no wants or desires but only destruction for what they can't have? Cant we teach them how to live, love and listen? Do they not want the same as others? A healthy family, a roof over ones head and food in our bellies? Are we not all from this world? I was told this duality is healthy. The human condition needs to see destruction to appreciate growth. I still don't know how this all will help that woman with the gun pointed at her head or to watch your family be slautered in front of your eyes. No human should know this. Violence has always been a part of being human. We are a human animal. I protect my life and those that I love. Life and death I choose to fight for my life and thiers. I also choose to fight for others ...when in reality we are just fighting ourselves. I appreciate everything I lost and have. So I sit in what will be my art studio and den...I know my worth and how lucky I am. I look about all the things that are still here. Stuff holds space. Illusions fade. Love can hold space for others. Did they loved me enough to say your beautiful or even I love you? Or cared enough to be by your side during your worst moments. Perhaps a we'll get through this together? Good thing I never needed any of that. I was always able alone. I did need kindness, empathy, support and understanding. It was devastating to be met with violence. Everthing was a fight in my life. But isn't that the nature of living? Personally Im tired of the abuse. They throw it back in your face every chance they get. So it seems the lesson is to look at who Iam or are. After reflection its our belief of who they are and who we are in conflict that decides the winner. Can they learn to look beyond winners and loosers? Meet us half way? Walk a mile in my shoes. I know I can. Its going to take lots of patience, proactive support and some serious housework and cleaning to shape up humanity on this world. I'm doing my work. Im not on this rock to police or please others. What about these toxic people? Where are thier lessons? They need help too, no? Society and my answer to that, is you have to go! Then the police say no. Due to Pandemic Conditions; I am in utter disbelief but I do understand. Past abuse that was not legally recorded. Yadda, Yadda shwing shwing. What about my rights and issues? Legal up Baby! Money and the boys club is still king. Harsh as it was, there are many other moments in my life that hurt me way more. I will survive this and move well beyond. I will not let others narrow mindedness change who I am. Openess, understanding, no judgements here. Yet my generousity was used against me and in the worst way by people I love like no others. Betrayed again. 》Tip off here. Recurring themes. Betrayal can be healed. At the time you could have punched me in the stomach, I wouldn't, couldn't even feel it. There was nothing but numb and delayed reactions. "Let's face it, the best is never good enough when you

have suffered abuse and neglect." Its a deep riff and or trauma that someone else may be responsible for in your psychological makeup that makes and moulds us too. It happens a lot. Unfortunatly its more common than not. Childhood trauma. I get that. As an adult I know it's my cup to fill. Unknowingly I may have inflicted it onto others, for that I apologize. I'm still a work in progress, working on myself here. I'm the one falling, stumbling and then I get back up. The damage has been done. Please walk away, I got this now. They had affected everything I did. At the sink, the powder room, the work, the garage.....mess here and there, important things left undone...here's me trying to get them all done and save the world too in one breath. No wonder its too big, too heavy and we all need to lift. The first step is admiting ill be ok, I've got my back. I'll get through this like everything else with tears, journaling and a hot beverage. I send strength and courage to those in need. You will find a way to cope, help and move on. Believe! I'll leave that guitar right there as a reminder of my shit and thiers. Along with the 7k check and your ego at the door. Let go of all expectations, broken words and promises. The stuff they said they would do...that they never did. You want something done? Do it yourself. Can't do it all then get the professional that you need.

I understand you are broken, we all are. The catch is you have to fix it and fill it. Talk to someone you trust or write it down, talk it into a recording app...whatever help you need you deal with it in a positive way 7f you can't then look that shit up. Own your shit and get on with living! You can do this! If you live in fear find a way to empower and protect yourself. Just remember we are just human here, right now. No super powers, no agents for the world or our times. Be humble, be open, heal yourselves and then help heal others. 1 person and 1 step at a time. Like the green grass that's brown in the spring, with water, care and nutrients in the fall it will be a sea of green. Small steps add up to big changes over time. Break it down. Carve out time for happiness practice. 15 minutes a day just you sitting in peace and quiet. Every step you take from here on will go in a positive, proactive solution oriented manor or not at all. It's what you choose to do《Tip. Choose better thoughts and food choices. Work on 1 thing at a time. This is what micromanagement is good for; on yourself. Yes we can be success and happy in life without anyone, that doesn't mean we should. We need to trust eachother and work together. We learn so much from conflict so don't fear it. Its what helps us grow and learn when we become stagnant.

#Rising above abuse #Mental illness healthy choices #Be the master in your life #Embrassing Conflict #Conflict resolution #Living with childhood trauma

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noidsome · 7 years

Text

The big issue with the digimon tri movies, and why you should be pissed too.

I just finished watching the 5th digimon movie, and to put it short, i excpected nothing and im still let down. This is a big negative critique on what ive seen so far from the tri movies, but its also more of a vent for me, because theres something about these movies that really fucking grinds my gears and i feel i finally need to let that out somewhere. Look at this as a sort of....badly written analyctic rant. So far this movie, in short, was as i dreaded, 70% meiko bullshit and 20% kari...which is so fucking insulting i dont even know...but thats why im here.

Now before you assblast me with your stupid crap, please try to understand that as harsh as im writing this, im trying to look at this movie from a critical standpoint, and no im not going to put in the effort to be “nice” about it because if digimon tri can get away with half assing everything about itself, then wont bother. If you cant handle that, move on. If your interested, click the read more and we can begin this shit fest, because i think its about god damn time someone put these mediocre movies in their place.

The pacing.

I dont know about you guys, but to me it feels like these movies, or episodes, are either dragging on forever, or they rush really fast. This movie especially took its sweet ass time to give us 2 whole half an hour scenes of meiko being depressed about her shitty OC digimon, to leave the actual interesting fights and plot to 1 and a half episode, out of 4. Im sorry but i feel like ive been following this fucking story for 6 years, its so fucking slow and it drags on for fucking ever sometimes.

I do understand that its important to establish character interactions, and god damn does this fucking series need some, but sometimes it really stops the action dead in its tracks, and as much as i appriciate the movies giving each character some focus, it goes on for too long. the ending to movie 5 was....well rushed as shit.

But despite all this, its just really frustrating that half the entire series is just them standing around and TALKING...talking talking talking, exposition exposition exposition. It also feels really slow and stagnated sometimes, and the cheesy music in the background of the sad scenes dont really help much. And other times things are glossed over so fast that im standing there wondering if i missed out on something because i accedently blinked. Like how they entered the digital world, only to just suddently fall out of it immediatly after from a big digital gate just like that. Or how meiko just...SUDDENTLY appeared in the digital world with no warning or real reason. huh?? shes here now?? what?? meicoomon is still infected? what?? gennai is back with the dark masters? what where did they come from? why are they following him!? WHAT?? HUH??? HELLO???

im just….frustrated. im frustrated that i have to wait for 6+ months every a new movie comes out, only for the movie to stall for fucking ever and leave the actual OH SHIT moments to the last part, AND END ON A CLIFFHANGER. Its such fucking god damn bait to get us to watch the other movies, its almost INSULTING how incredibly obvious it is. Last movie ended with gennai fucking around and choking meiko. Then, as i saw my fat ass down in the chair, waiting for the big battle, no meicoo just...opened portals and then left with her copy paste army. Oh well so much for that.

Then the digidestined actually FALL OUT OF THE DIGITAL WORLD, and they are right back to standing around and getting chased by the cops...and then they spend THE REST OF THE EPISODES on meikos useless crying and baiting for meichi shipping material. im sorry but was that neccecary? was it neccecary to stop the entire god damn movie just so we could have tai standing there with spaghetti falling out of his pockets? and the mega evolutions for the other digimons felt really rushed too, i had hoped for more build up...but guess i get fuck alll.

The filler.

Now i do enjoy myself a little “filler” once in a while, i wont lie. and i will also not lie when i say that i really enjoyed seeing my boi tais hot nipple-less body. But, again…. DID WE NEED THE FIRST HALF BEING JUST THAT?! i swear to fucking god if you cut out all the filler content from these movies your going to get the entire series down to 5 episodes. Movie 2 was just...filler. fucking filler. i didnt have much issue with movie 3 but they just NEEDED to shove more meiko in..

movie 4 was kind of a bitch to sit trough because the whole damn “plot” made no sense. why was soras digimon the only one who was mad and while the others were just like before? why JUST her? why couldnt the others be like that too? Its just plot convenience at this point. and then it was pretty much just watching tai and matt spew spaghetti out of their pockets and be awkward because sora cant communicate with her friends like a normal person. Honestly it was a little charming at first but it got old pretty quickly…and then dark masters out of nowhere that died as fast as they came on. what a rushed little cameo for that extra nostalgia bait.

Honestly i found myself first liking the character interactions a little once the movies took a break from the action and fighting...but i much more often found myself angrily tapping my foot and going “REEEE MOVE ON.”

The god damn meiko.

Alright you all saw this one coming probably. Now let me just start by saying, i originally didnt mind meiko, or the idea of a new digitestined in the first place. Its welcoming to try and add something new to your otherwise soulless nostalgia cash grab. However we need to look at her from a critical stand point. im not trying to start a hate train, im just going to analyze her for how shes written as a character.

Im sorry to say this guys, but no matter how you look at her, shes a mary sue. Im sorry but all the tropes are there!! but why do i feel this way? heres why:

Her digimon is the sole reason for everything going to shit.

her digimon is in adult stage like gatomon just because.

essentially her digimon is “special”

all the other kids befriended her really fast just because.

everyone likes meiko and nobody seems to have a problem with her

shes the typical “uguu” shy type of girl.

her digimon OF COURSE won the costume contest in movie 2 or 3

leomon finds HER DIGIMON adorable enough to make the others run off... of course….

she cries constantly and does nothing but wine as the others hold her.

She takes up MAJORITY of the screentime for almost all movies. Almost.

POSSIBLY a relationship with the main character, if they actually are baiting us with those scenes in movie 5.

acts and feels like a self-insert OC in a canon universe.

The reason i dont like her is just because im SICK OF HER!! im sick of seeing her fucking face every god damn movie. im sick of the others shoving a friendship speech or talking about her belonging to them for the 700th GOD DAMN TIME, im sick of constantly hearing ME-MEI and MEIKOOOOOO, and im so fucking sick of seeing her sit down and cry or act sad and do NOTHING! shes just THERE TO BE THERE! her “cute little sneezing quirk” wasnt even something they bothered keeping any more. Shes so god damn obnoxious and shallow, and the ENTIRE HALF OF THE 5TH MOVIE WAS SPENT SHOVING MORE FRIENDSHIP SPEECHES IN HER FUCKING HEAD UNTIL SHE NUTTED UP AND STRAIGHT UP TOLD THE OTHERS TO AXE OFF MEICOOMON, while kari got 5 fucking minutes and got posessed or some shit i dont fucking know, does anyone care at this point?!

shes such a god damn self insert its PAINFUL! and ive read plenty of crappy OC digimon fanfiction in my days to be able to tell when someone props their crappy OC in a canon story. IVE DONE IT MYSELF!! its INSULTING that im watching a canon produced digimon FANFICTION more then an actual OVA. If you like her, FINE, but you CANT ignore how incredibly shallow and flawed shes written. This isnt someone “hating female characters” this is someone whos frustrated a shittly written character who is just causing repetitive sob scenes over and over and over. im sorry but have we not gotten enough flashbacks from meiko and her digimon? do we need 4 more in the fifth movie??? WE GET IT! ITS SAD! SHES SAD!! THEY ARE FRIENDS! MOVE ON ALREADY!!

i dont feel bad for her anymore, its just getting repetitive now. She ate up the entire 5th movie and left nothing to kari but the sloppy leftovers at the end, and because she ran off like an idiot to meicoomon she got tai axed off too……………...but i will get to that.

The lack of animation.

The biggest insult, and this is….dare i say…….something coming from an animation student, is the insufferable animation. The first movie is fine, but from thereon, i feel like the quality dropped significantly. and oh boy, dont get me started on the amount of time they just pan a fucking picture instead of animating them doing shit.

im sorry but did i wait 4-6 months for a fucking clipshow? I know that animating is hard, and the animation industry in japan is absolute fucking shit, but come the fuck on guys. i think movie 5 had so many times where they just panned pictures of the digimon fighting, and the kids running. I guess when you put all your budget into overanimating the short action scenes you got, you dont have much left for them to trow a punch outside of that. and i wouldnt mind if they had just bothered not doing it so much. they do it WAY TOO OFTEN!

in the 4th move they didnt even fucking bother drawing the kids wet while they were in the water. no wet droopy hair, no indication the clothing was soaked, nothing. not a god damn fucking detail or anything.

The nostalgia bait

Hey kids, remember the bus in the digital world??? remember the gear desert? remember the house mimi was a princess in?? remember the pink forest? remember seadramon? remember the dark masters???? remember any of that shit!? remember primary village?! YEAH??? REMEMBER ALL THOSE COOL 01 THINGS??? ok cool, anyway moving on.

The lack of personality/soul

one thing im really passionate about is expressions. expressive characters and facial expressions i something i enjoy drawing a lot. in the original digimon, every character was spesifically designed to be its own thing. sure they stank of the 90s, but they wer UNIQUE. Digimon tri has trown all that shit out the window. Now they all look boring as hell. the only unique thing about them now is their hair. take that away, and you get a bunch of similar looking, boring samefaced characters.

the digimon movies are just so fucking SOULLESS! everyone looks so god damn watered down and tame compared to their former selves. everyone wears a school uniform even when they got summer vacation. they even wear school uniforms as they get to the digital world, and they have NO facial expressions. NONE! the way they talk and show emotions is almost nonexistant. even once they are seriously screaming at someone or focusing on something serious, they still have that stale, boring as shit facial expression. stone faced and COLD! its like you dont even care!! seriously its so frustrating to watch sometimes because they are so god damn bland and barely deviate at all from their typical “idle” face.

^count how many fucking times tai makes this face troughout the entire series.

^am i the only one who thinks they looks very..bland and dull here? and this happens way too often.

seriously, watch the movies again and notice just how little the animators bothered giving them any fucking emotions. the screenshots here are just from a few minutes in the new movie.

And dont get me started on how everyone seemed so.........accepting of tais “death” i mean sure they might still be in shock,.....but......why did none of pic under appear????

WHy was everyone so.....noble??? except kari...who got....fucking owned.

and the digimon....most of them are just....comic relief now. i feel like most of them have little personality, but fucking agumon. what the FUCK have they done to agumon!? hes just a walking talking “i like to eat” joke. hes fucking nothinng. an empty boring sack of shit who just talks about food and NOTHING ELSE!! oh and maybe fights sometimes...but seriously.

The BAIT.

The trailers for these movies have made me fall into the bait they put out. But its getting infuriating now. All the trailer bait for movie 5 was just taken form the last 5 minutes of the film. that little teaser we all thought were going to show the dark ocean? yeah that was what….5 seconds at the very last minute of the movie? Hime was the one who went there, and they even rushed that part.

remember when we all tought that tai was the kaiser because the animators thought they copy the excact same hairstyle? remember how they all baited us with the kaiser thinking we were gonna get some 02 action? i sure as FUCK do.

i LOVED the last minutes of the movies. i loved the last half of episode 3 and the entire episode 4… but im so fucking angry that i have to wait 4-6 months for the conclusion to when the movie was JUST GETTING INTERESTING! i fucking hate it!!

The 02 kids, or lack thereof.

Ok honestly ive completely forgotten about them, and i dont understand why they bothered putting them in this movie. and they give us absolutly nothing to go on for ALL of the movies! WHY? WHATS THE POINT?! with this series endless stalling, how can they possibly explain their absence or death or whatever in what little time we have left?! how will they half ass this?! i seriously dont get how they can begin with something so intense, only to give us absolutly nothing till the last movie, IF AT ALL!

Taichis “””””””””””””””””death.”””””””””””””””””

So the fuckers had the BALLS to kill off my boi tai. They actually went there. they fucking killed him off. AND LEFT IT ON A CLIFFHANGER! wow fucking good job guys, you sure got me there. i cant believe tai is fucking dead.

except wait a second here…..tai isnt dead. of course he fucking isnt. i mean come the fuck on, are you really expecting them to kill off their marketig king? the face of all their merc? PLEASE! we all fucking know that hes going to come back. THEY BASICALLY SPOILED THE MOVIES FOR US ALREADY, didnt they say in an interview far back that these movies were whats going to lead everyone up to their careers? so why the fuck would tai die when we know hes going to be an ambassador?

i dont fucking understand why they even bothered with this fake ass death. WE KNOW HES GOING TO COME BACK! im not mad that tai “died,” im mad that they actually bothered making it a cliffhanger, as if we arent going to fucking figure out hes coming back in the next movie. WHATS THE POINT?! Are they going to just shove him off till the last 5 minutes of the last movie? is that it? are they going to do what they did to kari? or are we FINALLY going to see tai resolving his persional issues that have been shoved away to make room for everything else? who knows, who cares at this point?!

The conclusion

Digimon tri was something enjoyable for me to look forward to..but now, its just a bunch of frustrating, medicore, nostalgia cash-grabbing shitfests of movies, and i need to get it out of my system.

Im angry because i have to wait 4-6 months between each movie only to get nothing. im angry that i have to wait 4-6 months for an hour long movie that has actual content thats 20 minutes long. im sick of having my excpectations set to low, only for them to be lowered even more. im sick of seeing meiko basically becoming the main characters as the others are somewhat side characters at this point. im sick of the shit-tier animation quality and the stone-bored dull surprise faces. im sick of wanting this to be good, only to see that the fucking directors and animators arent even fucking trying anymore. Im sad, that the sequel was put in the hands of incompetent fucks who only know digimon trough their most basic character traits, and nothing more.

i do like tri...and im sad to see it go so soon….but part of me wants to get this over with, because if you like it or not, tri isnt a passionate fan sequel. tri is a boring, mediocre cash grab, and im sad it cantt be more then that, and im sad its over soon...

#Digimon tri #digimon adventure tri #rant #digimon #digimon tri spoilers

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ilygsd · 6 years

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odfidk: 270618

i cry at least once aday cus im only surrounded by whites but like.... there are poc here. theres other adoptees of color and some poc in my DM’s wanting to chat with me and maybe even hang out but fuuuCKKK WHAT IS WRONG WTH ME WHY AM I NOT SOCIAL

i also always cry about how social and happy i used to be but im doing anything about it lmao. like i KNOW that in order to get my shit together i need to sleep and eat and exercize and shit..... do i do that?? absolutely the fuck no cus i love to feel sorry for mysel and watch myself destroy everything

i hate myself, i hate my life i can feel the anxiety coming and when that is i always call my mom but she’s white and im so paranoid i dont trust white people with anything i REALLLY RESLLY REALLY want a therapist of color but my lazy ass cant even manage to call one cus i’d rather lie in my bed and DIE than doing smth productive with my life

also im together with a white dude and just thinking about how confused i am about this relationship makes me want to die alone. i cant trust my own thoughts and feelings but i SURE AS HELL cant trust anyone else either. not white people, no poc and not adoptees of color either. the only person i trust is my partner cus they know me better than anyone else and theyre wise but fuck i dont trust them either cus i cant even manage to tell them this cus ive already been such a horrible partner and i dont want to huet them but hey no its not even about that. its about ME not wanting to lose them cus im so fucking selfish which is only another reason i should break up. if you knew what a horrible partner, friend and human being ive been you’d all hate me. im such a hypocrite and when i hear my partner forigve me despie me KNEOING what i am like.......

how will i ever find someone who loves me like them. i’ll never find anyone like them. does it really matter that they’re white in that case? yes it does can i’d literally kILL myself if our children were to become white. how can i love myself after all of this. im holding onnto a dream of re-visiting my homecountry and my birth place. im holding omto a dream of learning mandarin and more abt my culture and get lots of chinese and asian friends but like..... who am i kidding. that wont solve my problems. what i feel is so much deeper. what i feel is nothing that can be fixed

IM SO FUCKINF SAD EVERYONE. IM SO SAD AND I MISS MY BIOLOGIAL PARENTS SO FUCKING MUCH. I HATE EVERYONE BUT ONLY BC I DONT KNOW HOW TO DEAL WITH MY OWN SELF HATRED AND DISSATISFACTION. IM SO SAD AND FRUSTRATED AND LONELY AND I JUST WANT TO BE IN MY MOMS BELLY.

why did it turn out like this. what am i so problematic snd why am i not doing anything about it. why did i destroy and fux up every single relationship i ever had. why cant i love my adoptive family like anyone else. but why al i not strong enough to cut them off. is it bc i actually love them? or is it bc im scared of being alone? will i love them again when i’ve healed, when i’ve revovered from whatever it is im revorigin form. abandonment? loss? lost family, lost identity, lost culture, lost people

it doesnt matter how many POC i connect with or how many adoptees i connect with. i’ll always feel lonely. i’ll always be lonely. and im so pathetic i cant stand it. i’d rather kill myself than knowing i’ll always be lonely. ive fkd up every friendship and relationship i have and im too scared of building new ones bc im so over attatched and want to rely on them forever. and now i dont even feel anything but anger and hatred. im such a fucking mess. im a danger to myself and everyone around me. im abusing the ones i claim to love, i dream about taking a gun and just shoot everyone down. i dream about committing suicide but not bc i actually want to, but because i want to revenge. on who? i want my family to suffer. i want society to suffer and know my pain. but they wont. they never will

im all alone, im so lonely im so lonely i keep isolering myself. i keep dreaming about fkn kpop idols and anime characters. i will never get better if i dont do smth but im so tired and im so angry. but it only hurts me. im only hurting myself even more. no one cares. no one will ever care, its only hurting ME

i thought i had gotten better. i used to feel like this everyday. now its only once a month. but idk. i cant think straight, i cant control myself. i know i shouldnt post stuff lile this DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH IVE FKD UP CUS I CANT CONTROL MYSELF WHEN IM IN THIS KIND OF STATE ONE TIME I ACTUALLY THOOUGHT I WAS GONNA KILL SOMEONE AND THEN JUMP IN FRONT OF A BUS

im sitting in my room. my little sister is outside and when im done with this message i’ll go out to her and pretend nothing happened. i cry for myself. i cry for other adoptees too. i cry for my adopted little sister and how white she is. i cry for all adoptees who’ve grown up to become whites. i cry because im such a fkn mess. i cry bc my abusive tendencies started so early. i abused my little sister bc of my own fkn issues and our adoptive parents didnt even care, they didnt even realize.

i feel like this is who i was supposed to be. a disgusting manipulative abuser but i know thats just another excuse for me to not do smth about myself

why dont i care about my family? about my partner or my little sister? i’d say i love my partner the most but i care more about my little sister

sometimes when i see children of color, or asian children i just feel something so fucking strong. i feel like i want to die for them on the spot. i feel like straight out giving them my jeart and protect them forever.

i got pregnant when i was 17 and it changed my life. ive never been interested in children but after that i was. but its so unhelathy. im only interested bc i want someone like me. i even doubted the abortion. fuck i felt like absolute SHIT after the abortion. i felt like they took smth from me, they took my mom, they took my baby. everhthing was taken from me and i got nothing. if im not able to have biolocial children in the future i’ll kill myself. if my children is looking white or nothing like me i’ll kill myself. im happy i had an abortion tho. i wasnt mentally stable. poor child would have only been born bc i was feeling lonely

i’d be such a horrible mom too. i’d be so overprotective. im always like that. overprotective in a possessive kind of way. like YOURE MINE. my child would hate me and i wouldnt blame them. i just feel like i have to protect something. i NEED something to protect. no one ever needs me. im always clinging into others but no one ever needs me as much as i need them. a child would need me. but they would eventuellt grow up so im thinking about a dog or a car instead. they would need me.

you know what i want? uncondotional love. from people of color. yes i have that from my white adoptive parents but i dont feel it. instead i feel like im using them. im shitting so fucking much on them and i dont know if i do it even more cus i feel guilty for shitting on them. most times they just take it and its like that makes me even angrier but if they were to argue with me i’d fkn explode right there and now. ive always been such a problematic kid. i can feel it. my sister’s been so calm and perfect but ive always been unstable. its like i always test people. ive tested my adoptive parents for 17-18 years now.

but everhtime i actually have someone love me uncondotilnally i feel like i have to isolate myself. its such a weird fkn thing i have such a weird fkn conception abt relationships and such. its just the way i thought it was like. in a friendship, relationship or family theres ONE dominant and ONE submissive. i realized relationships doesnt work lile this AT AGE 17 WHEN I LOST ALL MY FRIENDS. can you believe i’ve lived like this for 17 years???? i still categorize ppl into this and its so fucked up. how could i think like this?? how can I STILL think like this?? the submissive have to love the dominant one but the dominant will always protect the submissive one. i always, ALWAYYS go for dominant ones. and its always, ALWAYS going shit. either bc i expect too much from them. i expect them to love me back snd PROTECT ME or im just too clingy and get rejected. bc when im the dominant one i get bored. its like i WANT to fight for peoples attention. i see them as superior and i feel good when they give me that. but not too much cus if they give me too much I’LL feel superior and then i feel bored. thats basically my relationship with my partner now. ive been an awful fkn asshat and they’re still staying with me. it disturbed me once so much i forced them to break up with me only to guilt trip them when they did.

im so fucked up i really am. my partner deserves so much better. im so fucked up that i want to break up with them but if i would, if they would, i’d go fucking banans. thats not a healthy relationship. i shouldnt be in relationship

i should be alone til ive fgired myself out. but lonliness and isolation drives me mad. i dont trust myself

this post wasnt supposed to be lile this. i was going to write smth intellectual but instead im exposing myself like this. why do i do that? i dont know. do i wan people to feel sorry for me?? is that what i want? do i want advice? advice that i know i wont follow anyways cus im a dumbass?? is it because i just cant hold it in? why dont i post it somewhere else private? especially when i KNOWW THAT ILL GET SO FKN ANXIOUS ABT POSTING THIS THAT ILL NEVER FACE ANYONE AHAIN SND ILL REBLOG SO MANY TAEHYUNG GIFS AND JUST LAUGH IT OFF BUT LILE..... IM STILL GONNA POST IT???

sometimes i tell myself i wouldnt care if i died but im actually so afraid of dying

i want to be happy i want to be good but i dont know if i can or if i deserve it. when im not feeling like shit i dont want to talka but this bc then i’ll feel like sjit snd im scared of myself. i feel like im turning into a demon, something i cant control and im scared i’ll do stupid shit

how do i get rid of this? how dont become happy. the fact that my family is white, my partner is white. is that a problem or is it only me? do i have to break up, do i have to cut off my family in order to become satisfied? in order to decolonize? i know adoptees who have. mostly cus they got real weird fkn prents but my parents are....... so-so. they’re white. they’re good parents except they’ee white. but other adoptees parents weren’t even good parents to start with and their whiteness and racism made it 722771x worse

i hate feeling so split always having to choose. choose between AP and bio family. whites and poc. i’ll choose poc. i’ll choose my birth family. but i dont have a birth family like...... and now im stuck with this white one. ive been abandoned multiple times im not strong enougg to get rid of my AP’s even if i want to. but i dont think that i want to. i think i love them. im just so fkn heartvroken abt the fact that they’re white and therefore constantly hurting me and my sister wether they want it or not. im stuck. its like a fkn curse.

i was a fine kid before. i always had these issue but the abortion def triggered it. the abortion and break up with my friends that was like the 3rd break up and i just knew that damn i dont have the energy to keep going. dont even get me started on the breakup. i was a sjit friend. yeah im still a bit salty cus i think hey could have handled it better but tbh........ they probably sensed the fucking freak inside of me me before it jumped. i keep telling myself they only protected themselves but im paranoid and hate everyone and when i feel abandoned and rejected i deal with it with being an abusive asshat

i wonder why im like this. im obv not the only one since i keep reading abt adoptees who murder and stuff. i kinda think thats me sometimes. that im gonna turn out like that and just go on a murder spree. when i see x-men or the black panther...... i always feel for erik and eric (sre they both named eric lmao). mage to and killingen. and all charcters like that. i cried so much when i watched these movies cus im so sensitive when it comes to families AND people. (xmen jewish ppl) (black panther black ppl). and i kind of undersyood them

especially xmen apacolypse. he really tried to turn good. he really got himself a family but even they got killed. everyone got kille. i kinda admire him but i also think he’s weak. how come he’s able to just turn good after that????? i’d probably kill the whole fucking world. like what kind of propaganda IS THAT??? is that even real??

and i feel so awful cus i had a good childhood i guess??? i mean fkn killmonger grew up all alone and poor and he found his fkn dad murdered??? i understand that trauma!!! and magneto had his mom shot in front of him and watched his whole people fkn die. and what about me? i havent been through any of that

ofc i dont know. i dont know what happened before and i dont remember. my APs got divroced tho and my A mom got PTSD and i def think that affected me as well tho. i kind of lost my family AGAIN. and ive never really tristes them after that. even there u could feel me snd my fucked up ness

i was such a shithead to my mom who had freaking PTSD. i blamed her for everything. breaking up with dad, bad ekonomy and then our fkn white big brother moved home bc he was depressed too or smth and there we were. 3 kids sharing a room while mom was unemployed and slept in the living room. that was such a messy time and my 11 y/o self was so angry and aggressive. and my poor sister was so scared and shy. of me. of all of us

anyways why didnt my sister turn out like this? is it bc of my temepramwnt?? maybe. ive read abt mental illness but i dont really feel like anyone fits. im leaning more towards bpd. bipolar and ptsd are similar but i dont rly get those periods and i dont get flashbacks of my trauma either cus im not even sure what my trauma is. its more like..... a feeling rather than smth specific. i mean its not like i remember anything

but why did i tjen out like this. irs cus everyone hates me right? lmao u always think lile that ots so pathetic. i always think ppl do shit to huet m. my poor partner and ex-friends..... the simpliest mistake would make me crazy.

im such a horrible human and sometimes i dont want to do anything abt this. i just dont wanna CARE but i know i feel line that cus i feel guilty deep inside. and it wont make me happy either

if i recover will i stop hating white people? will i stop hate my family and non-adoptees? probably not white ppl and non-adoptees. i mean i still hate men and so so why would i stop just cus i recover. but my family? will i forgve myself? will i fogive them? i cant forive them ew no. ugh idek what im saying. what do i have to do to stop feeling like this?

maybe get out of bed? yeah thats a start

thanks ill reblog bts now and then ill turn off my phone and never come back. cant wait to comeback and cringe the fuck out of myself wow i love

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classycollectorartisanposts-blog · 6 years

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life insurance and income protection quotes

"life insurance and income protection quotes

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BEST ANSWER: Try this site where you can compare quotes: : http://freeinsurancequotes.xyz/index.html?src=tumblr

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I'm about to turn 16 so I don't even have my permit. But I saw a car today for close to what I have. I'm gonna borrow the extra from my dad but how soon do I need to buy insurance? It's probably jut gonna sit in my driveway til I can drive. I just wanna get it before someone else does because its a good deal. But do I need insurance for a car that no one is driving? I brought it up to my mom and **** I got bitched out. I have to pay my own expenses by the way. I just wanna know if anyone has something different to say. Thanks

Total loss and State farm auto insurance?

I had a collision a few weeks before and it is classified as collision damage. I received an estimate at a body shop who initially provided an estimate of $xxxxx/- and said that the insurance company has agreed to pay them and a delivery date was given. Now, things have changed in the middle and the body shop manager tells me a new stories of additional things that went wrong due to collision (all of a sudden) and that the insurance agent after inspection wants to call it a total loss based on this new estimate. My insurance company- State farm wants it to call a total loss which I doubt given the extent of repair it might take for the minor damage in the front fender alone. Now, here are my questions. I now have suspicion on the integrity of the body shop as well the trick palyed in declaring total loss. 1. Can I have a second opinion at a different body shop? Does State farm allow that? 2. If the repair cost is more than the ACV, and if I still wish to keep the car, can I negotiate for the max amount less deductible that State farm is willing to pay the body shop (xx% of the max amount that state farm is willing to pay before declaring total loss) and I take care of the remaining cost? Your input is appreciated. Thanks, NS""

Does insurance cover a newly purchased vehicle?

I'm looking at buying a pickup truck, it's value is less than $1000. I heard that if you buy a new vehicle you have 6 - 24 Hours of coverage and in that time you would have liabality coverage is this true? As in just bought a vehicle, and am driving it back to my house from sellers house. Thanks""

Car modifications and insurance?

Hey I'm young with my first car so insurance is high. What modifications will either not affect my premium or affect it by a little. Thanks

What questions do the ask you when you call for a motorcycle insurance quote?

Are YOU required to have auto insurance or is the CAR required?

Simple question, is the person driving suppose to by law(i live in oklahoma) have insurance or can the car just be insured by someone else say, parent, aunt, uncle, grandparent? i know legally if the car is in a collision then the insurance policy my by null and void. but i want to know the technicalities if i just have one of my relatives insure my car without me being listed can i get in trouble if i dont get into any accidents or the person whos name its under? ive spoken with many insurance agents saying that technically you can do what i stated above but most insurance companies will drop coverage if they find out that someone is driving the vehicle other than the rated driver. im just tired of paying 150+ for liability due to unfortunate events in the past...thank you.""

Is van insurance cheaper than car insurance in uk for first time drivers?

basically im a new driver and am lookin for the vehicle tht offers the cheapest insurance, im male by the way""

SR-22 for DUI in California? Secondary liability insurance?

Has anyone ever heard of Secondary Insurance? How does it work? Is it legal? My attorney recommended a guy for this policy, and it sounds too good to be true. They create a Shell liability policy for my person, unattached to my car, and my auto rates won't increase? Is this a total scam? I need to get a SR-22 to get my lisence back. Any help is appreciated and of course bested""

Car insurance help for a young driver?

I'm looking to buy this 2002(51 reg) 1.6L Volkswagen Beetle Hatchback. I'm a new driver and have looked everywhere for a cheap insurance quote. I'm just wondering whether the insurance will go down by much after my first year driving? thankyouuuuu x

Will my car insurance skyrocket if I switch from a '97 to a '09?

I live in NYC so my car insurance is already astronomical. I drive a 97 Saturn right now and Im thinking of getting a Prius because of gas prices. Do you think my insurance will increase by a lot because of the difference in model and year? I know I could just get a quote but that's a process with my insurance company.

Where can I find an insurance company to....?

... cover all of my insurance needs? http://www.intelligentonline.co.uk/finance/insurance/insurance.htm

Wanna get the cheapest auto insurance?

Im looking for the Best Cheap Insurance for a young driver?

im looking to buy a 1973 chevy nova. and wondering whats a good insurance company that is cheap.

Mandatory insurance?!?

Here in Massachusetts EVERYONE has to have health insurance, and if you wanna drive you have to have car insurance. How can this be legal? How can the government force me into buying a product or service?! Whats next, are they going to make it mandatory for everyone to buy 7th generation ipods? This is ridiculous. What if i dont want insurance? What if i cant afford it? WTF?!! Is their any legal way around this? Or are they going arrest me if i dont get any insurance? Should i board up my windows and stock up on guns?""

I'm about to get my drivers permit. Do I need insurance?

I'm about to turn 16 in a few months. I just figured out that I need to complete driver education and am in the process of that now. When I do receive my permit in a few weeks do I have to immediately purchase insurance? I'm going to be driving my dads subaru. He will obviously be in the car with me at all times. Do I still need to buy insurance at all?

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Car Insurance questions (teenager)?

I am a teenager, and i live on my own. I pay my own bills and everything and i need to find the CHEAPEST car insurance possible. Can you help me out? Liability.... Yes, i know its cheaper with my parents, but my mom took me off of her insurance, and i need to find one fast.""

""I am going to study in Ontario but I am a US citizen, how much is it to register my car and get car insurance?""

I live in Texas and i'm an 18 yr old female. I will be studying in Canada but I need to take my car to get from place to place. Does anyone know how much it costs to register the car, get car insurance, plates, License and whatever else needed? Thank you (:""

Who knows a lot about car insurance?

So, here is my situation: I'm 17, I have my driver's license but I'm pretty sure I have to be 18 to get car insurance. I can afford a car but I can't get the insurance till I'm 18. In Maine, it's illegal to drive a car without insurance and I wouldn't anyway becuse it's retarded. My boyfriend is 19, he does not have his driver's license but he his over the age of 18...So, I was thinking could I buy a car and put it in his name then could he get insurance for me even though he doesn't have a driver's license?""

Please help me about the contens of an insurance certificate .?

Can you give me the contents of the insurance certificate ? The different between insurance certificate and insurance policy ?

About how much will my car insurance go up after new car purchace?

I currently have full coverage on my used car, and will be trading it in. Will my insurance jump up? I currently own a 2002 alero and will be buying a 2010 vw gti.""

Best Averaged sized car for a teenager?

So I'm going for my license soon and we're starting to look at cars to get me around. I want something that's pretty easy on gas, reliable, easy on car insurance cost, doesn't cost an arm and a leg but ALSO isn't a tiny car like the Chevy Aveo because most of the people in my family are pretty tall for instance my mom is 5'9 I'm 5'7 /5'8 and my other sisters are also about the same height. I've been thinking about the Prius because I hear it's got some leg room and is easy on gas, but people say that batteries are more harmful than regular ones and all this jazz. Then I thought about the Honda Insight but I heard that the headroom in the back is not comfortable. I was thinking the Hyundai Sonata, but the only model I really like is the 2011 and I don't think the insurance company takes kindly to teenagers driving new cars. I would prefer not too big or long a car like the Toyota Avalon, but it's manageable. Any suggestions?""

Cheapest car to insure?

im looking to buy a car but im a 18 yr old male and my insurance will be very high. so im trying to find the cheapest car out there to insure and something good on gas. i know ill probably be paying around 3000 a year. but any ideas?

Looking for affordable health insurance for the sefl employed?

i cannot find any affordable insurance and i need assistance

Cheapest Auto Insurance Online?!?

Im trying to find cheap liability coverage. My contract ends this Friday and Im trying to find a cheaper rate, has anyone had any luck with sites like Esurance.com, etc? Thanks for any advice!""

""Car accident, neither driver has insurance?""

Was in a car accident yesterday. The other driver was completly at fault. He gave me insurance info, but has just informed me he was dropped due to lack of payment or something. I also have no insurance. YES, I KNOW ITS ILLEGAL TO DRIVE WITHOUT INSURANCE. IF THATS ALL YOU HAVE TO SAY MOVE PAST MY QUESTION!! What am I suppose to do? Do I need to try and get a lawyer and sue? My car was totalled,my hip is in a lot of pain, so is my bfs shoulder n back. The other driver is fine and had very minimal damage. Im at a loss, any advice would be.greatly appreciated""

Where i can i find affordable eye insurance? is it worth paying monthly in comparison to the $$ at checkout?

How much do you think i'll be paying for car insurance?

I'm 16 from Massachusetts, and i'm going to be getting my license next month! I have saved enough money and i'm going to be buying a volkswagen beetle from the year 2000. how much do you think i'll be spending a month on car insurance? i took drivers ed so that could help.""

How much does car insurance cost?

I'm 18 and I drive a '01 Jeep Grand Cherokee. I haven't had any tickets or accidents.

How much is pilots insurance ?

First of all is there such a thing as pilots insurance, if so how much is average""

Free health insurance coverage in the state of California ?

My mother In- law has come to join us to live in the united states. I was wondering can she qualify for MEDICAL in the state of california. Free health insurance

How much is health insurance in arizona?

What are some tips to get cheaper car insurance?

I have a very poor driving record. Right now, I'm paying about $4,000 a year to insure my car. It will probably go up when the policy renews in Sept. What can I do in the meantime? Should I take the defensive driving course? What else? I've tried to shop around but GEICO gives me the best deal at $4000. Some other companies would not insure me at all. Others wanted thousands more. What should I do? I really like the convenience of having a car and I would probably cry if I had to sell it. I've had a car since I was 19 and I'm 26 now.""

What is the cheapest car insurance?

Does anyone knows an affordable weight loss camp for a 20 years old?

I am desperate to lose weight and i need a healthy, but affordable way to do so in the Florida area OR new England""

What the best insurance company for me?

so I'm 19 and havn't have my licence very long and I drive a race car... but I want good cheap insurance like allstate or statefarm I'm looking for good coustomer service that makes me feel safe... so whats the word... any coustomer service stories?

How can I get affordable health insurance for my family while i'm off work..?

I applied for medacaid but they said I make to much money. even thou i'm off from work with no insurance and very little sick leave pay.

Health Insurance- Test Result Privacy?

I am curious as to how much information my insurance company (through an employer) has access to. For example, can they view the results of my blood tests done via Labcorp/Quest if they payed for them? Also, what about a test such as an EMG and Nerve Conduction study. Do they receive a copy of the final report? I know a copy is sent to my physician and that I personally have the right to a copy. But are results also sent to my insurance company? For what it's worth I have BCBS. Any input would be greatly appreciated.""

""I'm 17,passed my car test.have a 1litre vauxhall corsa 3dr,wondered if ne1 knows of cheap insurance companies?""

Hello, I'm 17 years old, i have just passed my car test. I have a 1litre vauxhall corsa, 3doors, which is meant to be a very low insurance group, I just wondered if anyone knows of a cheap insurance company? Or any good ways of getting cheap insurance for a couple of years until I get a full time job - like named driver or something? The best quote i have so far is 2100 for a year. Thanks.""

""Female, over 25, 9 years driving experience needs CHEAP CAR INSURANCE?""

Hi, my previous insurance was less than 350.00 for third party, fire and theft (in london). My new car is similar but I am getting quotes for 800+ for third party fire and theft. This is ridiculous. I am in my late twenties and have been driving almost 10 years. I would really appreciate names of small insurance brokers. 10 points.""

I have a question about auto insurance?????

The other day someone was giving me a ride. We stopped by a store and when i opened the door i scratched a ladies car. The lady was pretty mad and she took the license plate number and the name of the insurance. Today the guy that gave me a ride says that she called the his insurance and now i have to pay the cost of the damage. Is this guy pulling my leg or can this be true?

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How do I find out who insures a store?

I know its private and you can't find this out and the owner doesn't have to tell you. Although there is a safety hazard when I go into this store and I don't want to get hurt and have to sue...I don't want it to get down to that...I want to let they're insurance company know. This really concerns me how you can contact somebody's insurance company... Is there anybody else I can report to?

Ninja 250 insurance question?

im trying to get a ninja 250 from around the year 2000, im 16 and need full coverage insurance. I hear the insurance is about 200-300 a year? why yearly and not monthly insurance payments like my truck?""

Auto insurance low monthly payments?

I am having a very difficult time getting auto insurance i can afford . am on disability, and cannot afford the outlandish prices these days. Does anyone know where i can buy cheaper auto insurance? where can i find it? the lowest i could find was $143,53 down and and $140.09 a month. Does anyone have websites i can surf? Is there any with no money down and only monthly payments? is there anyone who has had the same problem as I? can anyone help me please?""

Car insurance without deposit or low deposit?

hi im looking to insure mg mg zr but have little money till i get on the rd so i need an insurance company that will insure me today for no or very little deposit not 140 deposit and 11 installs of 80

What's the cheapest auto insurance for 20 year old male?

Which company

""Looking for a good car insurance agency but not too expensive, any advise ?""

Hi, i have been with allstate for over ten years for my car insurance but recently i just got a newer car and it sky-rocked and im looking for a better rate, if anyone would recommend some i would appreciate it so i can get some good rates to look at and compare, I don't know why it went up so high because i have had no tickets or accidents in fifteen years but they say they have not made any mistakes with it. Thanks for the advise Deb :)""

At what age will my car insurance go down?

im 19 now with a clean record.

Which cars are the cheapest insurance wise? (england)?

I wanna get a car as soon as i'm 18, so i obviously want something which will have cheap insurance. Nothing embarrasing mind.""

Where is the cheapest place to get insurance for a 17 years old?

Best car insurance prices for financed cars?

I'm only 19, and I'm getting a financed car VERY soon. I know I can't look at the big name guys, cause I've already done that and they want $450 a month just for a car with no power and isn't even sport. I plan on either getting a 2009-10 Dodge Avenger or 2009-10 Nissan Altima/Sentra. I have had car insurance without a gap for almost 2 years now on my current car, so I won't have any problems having anyone cover me or anything. I live in FL, so if anyone knows of any small insurance companies that are good with financed cars and teens, PLEASE list it below. Thanks.""

""Hi, I'm 20 and 6 weeks pregnant. Insurance problems?""

Medi-cal won't let me file an app b/c I'm not 21, And my mother doesn't qualify for me. I make 900 a month with car payments ins. Anyway I don't have money to buy insurance. Planned Parenthood told me my edd, and gave me the positive test. I haven't seen a doctor, and I don't know what to do? I live in CA are there any suggestions?""

*Help* First Motorcycle?

I am about a month away from purchasing my motorcycle and already have a total including the bike, gloves, jacket, and helmet i just wanted to know the average total cost to get it road legal for example the Insurance, Tax, registration, and MOT (I am 18 the bike is 125cc I have my provisional and CBT) I have fashioned rough estimated total for Insurance, Tax, registration, and MOT but would like to know if 677?? a realistic estimate. If i have left anything out please tell me i need to know what i am getting into. Thank you. _""

Which is the cheapest insurance for UK minicab drivers?

Looking for cheap full coverage?

Is there any cheap insurance in Michigan

Good rule of thumb for uninsured insurance?

I heard that if you have health insurance that you don't need to get uninsured coverage.... is this true? I do have health insurance. UI costs $200 extra a year which seems unnecessary. My car isn't worth enough to get full coverage so just have liability.

Insurance for a 2003 escort zx2?

So I finally got my 5 speed. My mom is saying it is 700$ a month JUST for liability! It's a red 2003 ford escort zx2 5 speed. It has a sunroof and power locks and windows and alloy wheels. I am a 17 year old girl with good grades and I'm accident free. Is there any way my insurance would the that high or is she just scamming me?

Will health insurance cover IVF procedure?

As of right now, my health insurance have been covering all of my wife procedure of IUI and her surgery for unblock 1 of her tube. But after 3 procedures of IUI and all are negative, I think my Dr will go to IVF next and just wondering if health insurance will cover the IVF procedure.""

CDW for car insurance?

When I went to Ireland in 2010 and other previous years, I did not get collision insurance on my rental car as it was covered by my credit card. My World MasterCard no longers offers this coverage. Does anyone know a credit card that does?""

What is the best life insurance to get for my parents?

I keep getting the gut feeling that I need to get life insurance for my parents. Is that possible? If so, which company is the best?""

State Farm Insurance Bithday Gift?

Okay, Strange question- Every year I recieve a letter in the mail from State Farm Insurance Angency to celebrate my birthday. They say that if you stop by the office, they have a free birthday gift for you. My family and I figure it is probably nothing good, just a calendar or something cheesey, but we can't help wondering what it really is! If you know what it is, do you mind eh, tell me?? lol Thank You!! :o)""

I'm 17 just got my driving licence (UK) How can I get my insurance cheaper?

If I am 16 can I get a rental car if my insurance company covers it?

We went to the rental car company and they said that being under the age of 18 I can not get a rental car, but I do have full rental coverage on my insurance. Would I be covered to get one since I have full rental coverage? I am going to call my insurer tomorrow to see. But I'd like to know now.""

Is my car insurance company lying to me?

I am insured by Farmers, they told me that I can not have a choice of the estimator who will decide the value of the damage to my car. They told me that only their estimator can decide the value of the damage. Are they lying?""

How much would insurance cost for a 97 Mazda Miata?

I'm thinking about getting my 16 year old son a 1997 Mazda Miata with about 110,000 miles. I have 3 cars currently with state farm. I do plan on selling one car to buy the miata. I have a clean driving record myself. My son in an honors student. He has completed drivers Ed. He hasn't gotten in any wrecks yet. Any idea of how much insurance would be a month for him?""

Which is the best insurance policy with low premium and high returns --- Plz suggest me?

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https://www.linkedin.com/pulse/connecticut-insurance-exam-outline-frank-larson/"

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paradoxnbstuff · 6 years

Text

okay so i need to talk about this for a minute

because usually i can find some shit about this on youtube or a transition blog somewhere but i cant for some reason this time? and its one of those difficult things to think about that I’ve been putting off for like years. so. anyways. top surgery stuff.

so first of all I have this habit of mine that’s taken a while and lot of shit to notice. it was probably a left over from growing up with my abusive dad and trying to survive that. but basically I’m very good at putting something aside in my head and so thoroughly convincing myself it’s not something that’s bugging me (subconsciously) that when it comes time to actually think about it I legitimately cannot tell how I feel about it. I’m talking about sitting and thinking about it for hours, plus research, and actively taking stock of my reactions as they happen to try to just. logically deduce what’s actually going on in my brain based on physical symptoms of emotional reactions I can’t actually feel. and obviously anyone can see how that would be incredibly useful in a situation like my parents where I had no choice in the matter for 18 years, and i could either constantly wallow in misery and agony and hurt and stress and confusion and terror at just living in my house 24/7, or i could section it off. and create like. a new baseline for myself. ex my baseline became that state and then went up or down based on negative or ‘positive’ things that happened from that baseline. looking at it objectively it was all obviously still horrible and stressful and traumatizing but i wouldn’t have been able to get through it if I was consciously aware of that the whole time. So that’s where that developed.

But weird backstory aside this has carried over to certain things in my life on my own since I moved out too. It’s why it took me so long to figure out gender shit and why I still haven’t figured out my sexuality even though I don’t lack the vocabulary or even really experience to. it’s affected my relationships with people, but I’ve been practically religious about trying to make sure I identify it when it happens and dedicating a lot of time and thought to unraveling whatever’s going on and stopping it, because fuck that I refuse to let it mess with the people I care about. There’s certain markers but it’s not like most things where you experience negative emotions and there’s a natural pathway from point a to point b. the markers are me having to stop and look at the past few months or longer and pick out patterns of times when i acted illogically in similar way, and cross ref it to see if it came with a feeling of abstractness where i couldn’t identify what emotions i was feeling. but like. its like trying to identify nothing. anger or happiness or w/e is easy like hey im feeling that but trying to notice when you’re feeling nothing or something unquantifiable? much fucking harder. and the trigger for me to start wondering if something is going on is when it starts to impact my quality of life negatively in some way. so. a really fucking stupidly difficult logical approach to untangle some very complicated emotions. which is sadly necessary.

so that’s the method I use to realize when this is happening. hasn’t really gotten any easier but i can do it i guess. and this is what’s happening now with me and top surgery? it happened with the decision to start testosterone, (’but im happy with how i look and sound!’ god no ur not u fucking disaster ur brain just didn’t want you to be miserable 24/7 and tricked you into thinking u were) and i think it’s the same thing with this. but i don’t. know??? for sure???? so I’m having to figure out this incredibly difficult and emotional decision with only purely factual patterns to go on and my emotions, which im not sure are fake or not, plaguing me every step of the way. so im just gonna fucking write em down and hope it helps.

fact 1: i never wear a bra. ever. it’s always either a binder or binder-adjacent like a sports bra. it’s been like that for 3 ish years now and it’s not stopping any time soon. i’m violently uncomfortable wearing a bra.

fact 2: i dont like touching my chest or nipples. (tmi ish warning w/e) when I’m having sexual relations with another person im again, violently uncomfortable with the other person touching my chest. i will repeatedly redirect or say no if they start to with absolutely no doubt about it.

fact 3: i don’t like wearing tight clothing if i can’t bind. when I go to the gym and work out I wear a sports bra and wearing tshirts that show that fuckin. again feel nearly ill.

fact 4: i don’t mind seeing my chest in the mirror? like. I have/had a lot of dysphoria about my body, specifically my hips and the kinda hourglass dip in between ribs and hips and the way e gives fat distribution around the upper hips around the waist and thighs and butt. that’s mostly gone now due to a combination of T and working out, but I still don’t mind seeing my chest in the mirror. that’s possibly because I’m literally like 3/4 of an A cup at max but. yknow. this is also one of those things that is COMPLETELY based on feelings. and it feels suspiciously like when I’m trying to gauge my reaction and get ‘yeah I feel neutral about this actually’ but is really just very skillful repression. and I can’t tell. so. that’s great. it is a subjective fact, as opposed to the previous 3.

fact 5: if i stretch my arms up it looks like i have a flat chest (bc i i have like no boobs to begin with) and the reaction I get to that is a definite. reaction. it’s an adrenaline based one. but another issue i’m working on is i can’t tell the difference between happy excited adrenaline and panic adrenaline and therefore when i feel happy excited about something i start fear panicking instead and it sucks but yknow. so I get an adrenaline thrill. that I can’t identify as fear or excitement. so that’s. there? fuck

fact 6: i’m not male. I figured that out a long time ago but it’s become important again recently that I am n o t a trans man. I’m solidly nonbinary. T was and is the right decision for me. So is building muscle. So is my decision now to grow out my hair again. So is my clothing that is decidedly not masculine fairly often and my makeup (that can be either to help with the masc or just to make me feel hot, or feminine sometimes). But this is something that’s....like. It would make me look a lot more masculine. like a lot. like it would be looking in the mirror and seeing that (without the big scars you see a lot underneath, i wouldn’t have that) and I don’t know if that’s something I want. but at the same time, that’s what I want to look like in clothes. I don’t fucking know.

fact 7: i know there’s probably some underlying fear in there of like societally ingrained disgust for non-cis bodies. and I know for a fact I’m attractive as a feminine person. and doing this means that I’m committing myself to a permanent non-cis state. I’m in no way saying there’s anything actually wrong with that, I’m saying that I know there’s things in the way I’ve been raised that inherently shy away from that still. It’s not something I want and it’s something I have to deal with but it probably is playing a part in my fear in this.

fact 8: currently, my main reason for tentatively starting the application process is my health. I love being active and healthy and exercising and I know that binding long term hurts your ribs and lungs, and I also know that I’m not going to stop binding any time soon if I don’t have top surgery. And getting it just for health reasons is a perfectly valid reason to do it. And if I am actually neutral about my chest and not just tricking myself? I’m totally happy with this being the deciding factor.

anyways. yeah. the problem with dismantling a mental block you’ve set up for yourself is it involves actively unlocking self hatred and pain that you can’t put back in the box once you’ve opened it until it’s dealt with. so there isn’t a ton of incentive to. ngl it didn’t happen with testosterone fully until after I’d been on it for a few months and realized how fucking desperately I needed this to be happening. but I don’t think that’s how I want it to go with top surgery. I want to know before I go through with it what I’m feeling and what I want. and it is. VERY fucking difficult. god. yeah. anyways. that’s where I’m at. thanks for coming to my ted talk.

#im trying my best gdi #three cheers for trauma and trying to fucking cognitive behavioural therapy yourself bc ur broke #but anyways uh #yeah #i dont know #honestly any thoughts on this from an outside perspective are welcome #because it will probably help me figure out what im feeling no matter what the question is either way #god #i need. idk what i need.

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