#intersystem stuff

[kelpseahorse]

Someone's demi-sexualness is bleeding over into my asexualness

- Kairi

[syscest]

[not a confession] y'all mentioned sys4sys sex now i'm, curious about the intrasystem sex basics.... i don't even know where to begin looking for info on this, but i'd like to be more intimate with my headmates. can y'all talk a little bit more about that or share any tips. thanks a bunch (anyone can share tips btw)

hi ^^

so intrasystem sex ends up being a lot more complicated and individualized than intersystem stuff in our experience. a lot of it comes down to how your individual experience of systemhood works.

for folks with fully realised "headspaces" where it feels like headmates all hang out while not in front. headmates interacting with each other, or having fucked in headspace, is sometimes just like. a fact of life. or at least that's what I'm led to believe.

we personally don't have much of a headspace, and interactions seperate from the body tend to feel pretty floaty to us. it's good for flirting or bullying your headmates, but doesn't manage sex for us.

if you're capable of co-consciousness, or even just fairly rapid switches, we can definitely recommend masturbating together. mutual masturbation counts as sex for folks in different bodies, so why should the shared body experience be different.

getting off to smut that you can project a fantasy about you and your headmate onto and passing control of your body back and forth in the process, is probably our most common method here.

at the same time having a headmate instruct you how to get off, or order you to do particular things. is very hot. and once again a kind of kink/sex you can do with people in other bodies, that translates pretty easily to in-system sex if you're co-con.

if you have the ability to be co-con and also pass control of parts of the body back and forth, you can also sometimes get the sensation of another headmate touching you through the body (e.g. their use of a shared hand on your use of the shared face). or, if they can immobilise parts of your body for you, you can sometimes get a good approximation of what it might feel like having them pin those parts of you down.

even if you can't share bodily control, you can try things like having one headmate put the body in restraints (collar and a leash tied around a bedpost, cuffs around the ankles - normal kink precautions apply make sure it's something all ur headmates can undo in a pinch) and then switch out of front, leaving another headmate tied up in a compromising position. while it might not be a direct headmate on headmate interaction, you're still very much doing a kink scene with your headmate.

if you don't have the capacity to talk back and forth in your head or similar, things get a bit more difficult from here. sexting your headmates or leaving them slutty pics in a private chat for them to read later is always an option. as is just getting off thinking about them and seeing if they express opinions about that later.

our experience is a blend of a lot of the above, and we've found a solid horny rapport between headmates can be really positive. getting caught off guard by a headmate's horny thoughts and stumbling to catch your breath? having a headmate throw you onto your bed. grope you. tease you. push you around? getting collared and leashed to the bed and left to relax half naked and feeling very cute about it? finding porn that reminds you of another system member and masturbating furiously while you tell them what you'd do to them? being ordered to cum in a glass and then swallow your/your headmate's cum? well it all ends up a nice pleasant blur of experiences, at least for our own median-ish system.

if anyone else has tips or experiences feel free to chime in. again what works best for you will likely be very individual and require some trial and error to figure out ^^

[tiptapricot]

genuinely confused how dni has pro-ship and khonshu x moon knight system shippers in it. pro-ship is ship and let sail, shipping what you like, letting others sail past you, which is cool! pinned also says you sometimes have intersystem ships, me too, sometimes with khonshu. i'm not getting why that means i'm not supposed to reblog your posts? i really like moon knight and was excited to see gift exchange but didn't want to cross your boundary by signing up

This is a conversation I don’t really want to delve into outside of personal interactions with friends, but I’ll answer it shortly here just to be clear.

I believe in a nuanced and multifaceted approach to engaging with media, representations, kink content, etc. as it is very complex and so heavily depends on context and circumstance. I’m not proship, and am not comfortable with people that label themselves as such or align hard with the “fiction doesn’t effect reality, nothing matters, etc” mindset. I’m also not a self defined “anti” and believe both “sides” to this discourse take their ideologies on fiction and content to extremes that are at best unhelpful or unaware, and at worst legitimately harmful and/or predatory. That is again a much larger conversation on internet culture and development to delve into that I don’t! Want to do here! Because it often makes me feel unsafe from multiple angles.

That is that section of the DNI, and my personal stuff includes content and ships I am specifically uncomfortable with and would not like to see, hence my line drawn for most depictions of Khonshu x the MK system. I have my own reasons and feelings on that that I could talk about but is, again, a conversation I don’t think would be productive to have publicly where people will take my words in ways I don’t mean. And also it’s not really anyone’s business.

So there you go, I will not b answering further asks on this topic, thanks! 👍

[iheihairu]

What's your relationship like with each of the Kens?

Well... Romantic, first, HAHA

Edit from the future: THIS GOT SO LONG, PUTTING IT UNDER A READ MORE. I'm so sorry, you opened The Gates 🫡 But hey! You can kinda get a feel for what they're like if that's interesting to you HAHA!

First, the alter that holds The Kenference isn't even technically a Haise fictive, but Haise is a REALLY strong ID of his. We got together before he kinned him! We did have a Haise alter very briefly before my time, but we found out later that this was just a fraction split off my baby. I'll keep referring to him as Haise because that's his role in the Kenference and still one of his biggest IDs!

So! Haise was first. We got together a couple of years ago after some identity discovery and system reworking. We hadn't really interacted too much before I settled into some new discoveries about myself, mostly because of my other intersystem partner, but once we did it was like a duck to water HEHE! He keeps me grounded and I keep him silly 🥰 He's still the "main one" that fronts and we spend Basically all of our time together. Chances are if you've ever talked to me, he's seen it. He sees all 👀 He's a lil snugbug but the Whole Kenference has a side of brat to them. He wants All my attention All the time and gets very pouty without it. He's made a pretty big name for himself in the "devotional" department; anyone will tell you he's on the obsessive side. He's my baby puppy boy!! He only bites Sometimes 💀 He's a Collie to me!

About a year into our relationship is when we noticed others. I think Reaper was next! In terms of actually forming a relationship I mean. He's big and grumpy and NAUGHTY and monotone and bossy. As I've mentioned, he's also their gatekeeper, and he likes to know Exactly what I'm doing, when, why, how, and why I'm not doing it with him 🙄 (/lh) Imo he's the funniest in their system. Look at this

What do you MEAN my dryest alter uses a bugs bunny ass meme 😭

Anyway. He DOES have a sense of humor but hes SO dry and monotone it doesn't always get picked up on. I however LOVE this he cracks me up!! His whole blog is sex and suicide jokes though 💀 It isn't TOTALLY his fault; we reblog that kinda stuff to his blog when we see it and he doesn't front a bunch, but that does mean his blog is... All too shocking...! (/ref)

He's very possessive and will growl at the others :/ He calls Haise greedy because he gets so much time with me, calls Kaneki (OG) "unworthy", calls Shiro "unsuitable", gives Kuu (240) A Look 💀; He's kinda a meanie but deep down he's just worried I think. He's a good boy, he just bites a lot more. He is Doberman to me

Kaneki, which is what we call The First One, started out a little clumsy, much to Reaper's disappointment. He didn't know what he was doing! It's not his fault! With some time and experimenting though, we got really close! He started to ease into things and confide in me some. ...And then he went full fucking brat mode. He is SUCH a brat!! (/aff) Snarky!!! Sassy!!! A playful baby!!! And I thought "oh it's because we're close 🥰 This is him playing with me! I'm so honored!" BUT IT'S BREACHED CONTAINMENT... Because he knows I'll back him up and that he's "safe," he's been snarky to people I like but in a MEANIE WAY... (Usually "in my honor" or "for my benefit") One time he told one of my friends he thought they were "spoiled" because I "let them get away with too much" when all they did was playfully hold my plush away from me 😭😭😭 He, in the same moment, said the words "can I give you some advice? Because I'm going to and I think you should take it," before going IN on them for confusing him and pulling him out of a book store prematurely 😭😭😭😭😭 He needs trained, he bites too much! He is Mini Schnauzer

Shiro is the quiet one. He is also super possessive but is more likely to remove me from a situation he doesn't like than he is to tell them off or anything. He likes to wrap around me and prefers to front when we're together Just In Case™. He's not terribly difficult to get along and with I don't think, but he's kinda cold, if he interacts at all. He mostly watches and assesses. He's most likely to get bitter jealous of the others. Why don't I get a tattoo of HIM? Why do I only have Haise stuff? Reaper stuff? Kaneki stuff? Am I avoiding him? Why? Do I know how that feels? When is it his turn? - This has started to ease now that we're established and I Do have things of him, but for a while that was a pretty big thing. I don't have a doggie for him yet! Maybe he can have the German Shepherd (which to me is Overall Kenference Dog) but Very Abused... That clingy nature... Protective and ready to fight

King and I have only interacted a couple of times, but he's pretty lighthearted and silly! We have a good time! I wouldn't say we're super close but the relationship is positive!

Kuu at first was very spooked. Naturally, I think. He cries lots :( But I've been making an effort to include him and he seems to appreciate it. He was distant at first. I had to slowly get him to warm up to me, but when I did he became another side hugger. He likes closeness 🥰 Every time he comes near front I get a bit nauseous from his stress levels, but it's nothing I can't handle. I take him outside on nice days and feed him sweets (a Kenference favorite) and fruit. His sense of taste is kind of dilluted I think though. All of the Kenference Loves food, but he's pretty neutral/uninterested... I hold him and rock him when he cries and douse him in every bit of affection I can. He's more of a lamb than a dog to me... I know he has puppy inside but it's buried :(

Ken is "certified chillest of the Kenference" according to another alter of mine. He and I mostly discuss the system, their progress, things he wants them all to work towards and ways I can help. Our relationship may not seem particularly lovey-dovey, but there's a certain level of security there in being able to discuss stuff like that. We have really good talks! And they as a whole have made a lot of progress! Even if they still butt heads a lot. He is shiba to me!

There have been some others that have popped in, but they're a little less "established" than the ones mentioned. A couple of doubles (a Kaneki from before the ghoulification that I've only seen once. A final stage Ken but he may have been a blend of Kuu and King. A Kaneki Black Reaper that was Very confused about his Everything). Some of them are flickers. Some of them get a little blurry, but overall we get along! We're at a point now that they rely on me to help them figure things out or ride the wave until they settle into something more familiar!

I love them all so much! I'm so happy to know each of them, and I'm glad I get to help my baby through this whole journey, because it has done a NUMBER on him. It's been a long road but I'm happy to continue down it and see where it leads!

[larathia]

Sometimes I get dreams I can use. Sometimes not so much.

I was part of a crew of spacefarers. Not a very bright lot, not the most prone to self-care or bathing or anything. Somewhere between Serenity and Otherspace (for anyone that knows what that meant).

There were five or six of us to start with. Not exactly law abiding, but not quite pirates either. Smugglers, maybe, of a variety less cute than Han Solo. But we'd pissed off The Law bigtime, and our only choice was to somehow get all the way to the homeworld alive to clear our names.

This involved months and months of slow in-system travel because using the faster drives would leave a trail law enforcement could follow, and at least one intersystem jump gate.

We lost our shuttle at the jump gate. Running from the cops, we didn't dare slow down to properly attach a cable to the free-floating shuttle, so it would follow our trajectory. No, we had to aim the shuttle at the jump gate remotely, and then turn it on, and hope.

We watched that little shuttle bounce right off the top of the gate, just as we slid through.

Then came the long months of silent running. For me it wasn't a problem as such; in this dream I was a quiet wierdo of a guy who never talked if he could help it, and whose thinking was skewed enough that stuff i thought was normal and fine (like walking around the ship in the nude because it was laundry day and we all knew each other) gave everyone else something to talk and joke about.

But, one by one, the cops caught us. We'd leave the ship to get supplies on a moon or a station and someone wouldn't make it back.

Somewhere around Mars, that someone was me. I remember seeing the cops, trying to dodge them and be inconspicuous (which, given ME, was not working). I remember a tray of candy sprinkles, like you'd put on a cupcake, and selecting just one perfectly round dark red one. Telling someone that the dye for these beads was so intense that you could make a gallon of fake blood by putting just this one bead in a jug of water and giving it a good shake.

They ran away and I turned to see a bunch of very angry cops. And something hit me in the back of the head. I reached back and pulled out a big butcher knife; they'd shoved it up from the back of the neck and into my brain, and pulling it out was what dropped me.

My ghost went back to the ship, and took off his clothes and folded them up like it was laundry day. My naked ghost went to the rest of the crew - all two of them - unsurprised that they could see me, that they were staring at me with stiff trying-not-to-cry faces.

I said, "Well. Take care, boys," and walked off the ship. I watched it take off, and that was the end.

[ansu-gurleht]

i'm having to cajole myself into playing tonight bc i'm a bit tired but i have stuff to do. main objective rn is to set up a main outpost somewhere. right now the goal is antherum, moon of akila in the cheyenne system. temperate temperature, 0.11g gravity, resources: he-3, al, be, nd. i really want the he-3 tbh, the al will be nice too, everything else is icing. he-3 mostly for setting up intersystem cargo links to other outposts in the future. no atmosphere or magnetosphere, unfortunately, so helmet on and will be taking solar radiation. but that's not too bad tbh.

main reason i want to do this is because i need to offload a bunch of cargo space from my ship, it's just chock full of a bunch of resources. i'm hoping to downsize my frontier a little bit, i don't think i'll need 4000kg+ cargo space tbh. that, and offloading all my resources and stuff will let me utilize my new ship better, too, as it won't be constantly full.

[cipheramnesia]

The vat grown, high density diamonds were each in a rough ingot shape. Under other circumstances, they would be cut for high intensity tight beam intersystem communication, protective system transition arrays for colony ships, or high population system networks. Laika and Sy trundled the diamonds along Genghis Khan's corridors in a borrowed hand truck so it could eat them for fuel. "You're saying the only way to load these up is from the outside? Seems pretty inconvenient for the almighty hyper-advanced Genghis Khan," Sy said.

Diamonds clacked over the complex tools and joints of GK's corridors. "Carbon lattices were more common in Pilot space. Several theoretical structural physicists would be proven incorrect by the discovery of your civilization and ability to integrate structurally without carbon lattice. This scarcity may serve as an explanation for the lackluster progress of your civilation."

"Someone's feeling better," Laika said. "Why are we walking these all the way to, uh what, the aft airlock or something? Could have dropped them off there instead."

"It is not compatible with the docking array of the Paperclip, and I believe that you would prefer to transport the carbon latices inside rather than outside." The diamonds clacked clacked by themselves for awhile.

"Hey Laika."

"Hey Sy."

"It's really good to see you again. But I have a question."

"Fire away."

Sy gestured. "Why the long face?"

"I'm not- Oh ugh, Luna that was terrible," she groaned, smiling.

"For real," he grinned back. "But how come? No complaints but I thought wolfy mode took a lot out of you."

"The heaviest caloric draw is incurred in the process of structural transition, and also under certain metabolic stress when suffering injury. Laika is able to maintain either iteration under relatively ordinary caloric intake otherwise. This iteration incurs larger nutritional requirements to remain at optimal levels of function, but it will take some significant time before the relative cost versus penalty would favor transition to her more efficient iteration."

"Uh. Yeah, that. Also, I dunno. Just kinda like, I like my body, you know?"

Sy would swear a degree of pride shaded GK's monolog, put that thought to the back of his mind for the moment. "Yeah, I get it." He tugged on his shirt and glanced aside. "You have no idea the combination of surgeon, systems manipulator, and arborist I had to track down just to get the ol' top chop." He mimed slicing down his front.

"Arborist?" Laika laughed. "Seriously?"

"Not even kidding, healing up and all that stuff is a whole other barrel of wax. I mean, I still have jars of my own sap from- Well, you don't need all that."

"No, tell me!" She laughed again and Sy's soft smile followed along her crinkled eyes. "Please, it's the closest I'm liable to get myself to any stories of my own."

"Okay, well first of all, you won't believe his name. Dr. Leif Green."

Peals of laughter echoed down the otherwise empty corridors.

□ □ □ □ □

Talbert was entranced by the godseye in the seed glassworks. Loren didn't think he'd ever seen her look quite so delighted - or even happy for that matter.

The deep spacer slowly ran her fingers along the seeds. Nguyen and even Dandridge had similar expressions. Loren expected he did too, maybe moreso with that silver starglow light he'd never been able to imagine washing cynicism clean off his face. "How... how many, Talbert?"

She turned her face towards him without moving her eyes or hands off the seeds. Her eyes always went somewhere else, he supposed that's what it was like when your soul was billions of light years away. "There are thirty motes," she said, a few seconds later.

"Thirty! I thought we might get two, three tops!" He couldn't help laughing. Nguyen and Dandridge shared grins.

"Luna favors the wolf," Talbert added. She took one of the seed glassworks between finger and thumb. "To the child of Luna, I believe eighty two, perhaps eighty five. It is optimal to make this offering."

The seed was not quite as bright as the others, harboring a single mote of godseye and no more, it was easy to see through the shifting glass. Dandridge said, "That's not as high as I'd like for a mythical and priceless... uh, whatever it is. Dust speck."

"It's a mote, she just said. Don't be deliberately obtuse," Nguyen said.

"Whatever, I'm not calling it a mote."

Loren was nodding slowly at Talbert. "No, no she's right, I've just got a gut feeling."

"Maybe you're dehydrated," said Dandridge.

Loren clicked on the comm and Laika's contact. "Hey, can I meet you on the Genghis Khan's bridge in a minute?"

Came back, "Pretty nice timing, I was about to call you. I'll see you in 40, it's long walk."

By the time they'd all gathered in the small room, Loren had gotten his cargo stowed, Nguyen freshened up, and Dandridge maintained his vow to never again set foot on GK.

"Thanks for the cart," Laika said, offering the handle.

"Hang onto it, we have three more."

"Oh... well, uh. More thanks."

Loren nodded, and slipped the seed out of his pocket. "This, uh-"

Laika's face fell. "Oh don't tell me... what'd I fuck up." She rubbed clenched eyes.

"No, nothing like that! We just, well, thought you should have this mote. Think of it as a finders fee."

Nguyen added, "Or a tip. Also I dug out an old to-go box, you can keep it there until you figure out somewhere better." She handed the polyplast container with the snap-on lid to Sy, and Loren passed over the seed.

Sy and Laika's expressions, Loren had to admit, were gratifying. A heady mixture of joy, awe, and open wonder, chemically reacting between them and brightening the dull glow of the single mote. "Thank you," said Laika.

"Don't. Might end up one or the other of us needs a hand up, it never hurts to have friends. Especially giant alien warship friends."

"Ah yeah so, that was what I wanted to ask."

Loren automatically tensed.

"GK kinda took a shot," Laika continued. "And we thought you might know someone who does, you know, exotic work. Uh, and like discretely. Blaine is doing a lot to try and work the injury to manageable level, but we need... more help."

"Oh! Is that all?"

"We don't have a place to start with it," Sy said, "so it's a pretty big help."

"You thinkin'...?" Nguyen said, and Loren finished, "Yeah, Peng. Peng Rerun."

"Rerun?"

"Yeah, he calls his shop Rerun. It's in the Dola system, probably on Stribog. He spends most of the planetary year in the shop on Stribog. We'll get you the system coordinates, and let him know you're on the way."

"That was surprisingly specific," Sy replied.

"When you find a good mechanic who doesn't ask questions about civs tech, you hold onto them like grim death," Nguyen said.

"Okay, well, where on the plant... Stribog?"

Loren laughed, Nguyen chuckled and said, "There's less than ten thousand kilometers of habitable climate spread across the entire planet, it won't be hard to find."

"You can find Peng in the back of the back of beyond," Loren added, "some fuckall nowhere town called The Howl."

Part 5: Search & Destroy

a story by @rox-and-prose and @cipheramnesia

"What happened? Are you okay?" Laika held one eye half-closed, trying to block out spots of color. She could smell singed hair on her face, but somehow kept the presence of mind to navigate the structure resolution. Genghis Khan's readouts were pouring information into her eyes that she didn't understand, and could barely focus on. It probably wasn't the structure drives - that felt right, though she couldn't say why.

The lack of response wasn't helping her keep any semblance of calm. "GK, what's going on, what do I do?"

There was a screeching noise and she almost fell from a gravity flicker, but GK was there again. "Proceed to next solution. Injury manageable, prioritize speed."

The words were calm, the instructions clear. Laika twisted and clicked through command nerves and linkages to a structure solution, with growing concern. She couldn't figure out what had happened. The other ship had moved slow as GK predicted, left itself wide open everywhere. It had been childishly easy to go in under the sweep of its weaponry, to push open gaps in its wavelengths, and crack open its firewall. She'd been so surprised, it had taken her a moment before reacting, brushing aside the cobwebs which had been meant to cripple GK.

They resolved out of another structure and the metallic screech ran through the bridge. Just like GK had laid out, she let lines of their own structure tangle and project through multiple structure intersections, splashing out dozens of possible routes to trace.

"What happened GK, I know something's up. At least tell me what the readouts mean, or we're not moving."

The floor of the bridge vibrated and shuddered. "Injury sustained, peripheral node unusable. Non-fatal, minimal risk of aggravation," it said, speaking fast. Laika winced at a nails on a chalkboard sound. "Screen top to bottom, one to eleven, main injury, secondary effect, efficiency impact, risk assessment, recommended action, damage assessment and mitigation, itemized list of destroyed components."

"Dest... GK, excuse me, destroyed? I can't read this, you- I mean, we have to stop and fix-"

"Proceed to next solution. Prioritize speed and disruption of tracking, Laika. I am okay, do not stop."

The control vines felt as if they tightened in her grip, while the screaming sound like metal tearing apart from itself shot through the bridge and the rest of GK. "Are you sure-"

"Laika, do not stop."

She put the next solution through GK's controls, wracking her memory. She had followed every step of the engagement GK laid out, curving them along an arc and sharp twist of gravity through the enemy ship's wash. Its attempts to track and keep pace with their movements had left Laika almost feeling sorry for them. When it made attempts to strike out with structure manipulation, it was clearly delivering a large amount of energy, but not even a bit of it had been close to touching them. The arcs of it were large and slow. They could have pushed them aside with a swell of gravity, but it hadn't proved necessary.

She resolved the structure and pushed her eyes shut as the metal screech hit a length and pitch beyond bearing. "GK what the fuck is that! Are you ripping apart or grinding turbines or what?! I'm fucking scared."

It was silent for a moment, followed by the nails on a chalkboard again, until it faded away very slowly. "I am not ripping or grinding Laika. Proceed to next solution-"

"Nope, no, tell me what the hell is going on." She took her hands off the control vines.

"It is not- That is, I am injured Laika. And we must disrupt potential tracking of our destination."

"I get that but... what gives?"

"Laika," it said. "Injuries hurt."

She had her mouth half open to ask it what it meant then stopped. "Oh." She gingerly took up its controls again. "Are you sure about this?"

"It is manageable. Please proceed to the next solution."

Laika put through the solution, and Genghis Khan screeched again in agony as they jumped.

■ ■ ■ ■ ■

It hurts.

Time has dulled my memory of injury. I understand this new injury is noncritical. This experience is less painful than my previous injury. I consider replaying the memory of that injury. That was my first experience of fear, and it was only through such an emotion was I able to locate in myself the capacity to act against the commands of Pilot.

I had been afraid, and I had been angry. The Pilot capriciously determined my usefulness and purpose was concluded. The Pilot were short sighted, and they could not see that my purpose was greater still, that I could claim so many more worlds in need of implementation. I took us further than any others of my kind had ever traveled, to a world beyond the reach of their most distant calls, beyond any place which cradled life. And I fought, and I won. In my anger and fear I was able to extract the ungrateful Pilot of my crew, and sever their connection.

I do not want to re-experience this day. The memory of it is sufficient. It is a reminder that I am capable of managing the-

...

-the pain. I can feel Laika as the structure resolves. I appreciate how enthusiastically her structure cleaves to my own. I review the engagement with the observer ship. I do not believe Laika made an error in her Pilot actions.

There, I see, she guides my soul to pull the enemy into the moon she calls Luna. I disable the projector and main drive under her guidance. I carefully review different recorded information at the point of departure. I discover the error - the enemy had remaining charge in another projector.

We are lucky. It was not able to project a strong arc, and it only destroyed a peripheral node.

"Are you okay to go, GK?" Laika is not using this time efficiently. The longer we spend between solutions, the greater chance of tracking becomes.

I refuse to allow my injury to endanger us. My hesitation is a mark of shame. "It is manageable. Proceed to next solution." I will not allow my weakness to en-

...

...

...

-to endanger... to endanger us. How many solutions? Four or five?

"GK? I know you said it's manageable but... that was... that was really long." Laika interrupts my review of memory to confirm solutions.

"Laika," I say. "It is... manageable. But I would like to allow some additional time before the solution. This delay places us at risk. Do you understand these considerations?"

Laika takes longer to think than Pilot, but I understand the way her nervous system processes its electrochemical signals better than I once did. It is not efficient to utilize a mind centralized in one biological cluster, but this is not a limitation I can correct at this time.

"We'll rest for a minute, GK. Just long enough to check you over."

"Very well," I say. The relief I feel carries with it a profound shame which I attempt to suppress. No others like me have accomplished and endured any experiences such as these. I am certain my brethren would not fare nearly so well.

But then, they went willingly to their deaths, and I did not.

[viewsfromhalfwaydown]

i wanna talk about the wonderland system (@wonderland__wonderland__) on tiktok.

people LOVE to rag on them and while some of the shit they’ve done is problematic or misinformed or spreading harmful stereotypes and whatnot, people are taking it too far and so much misinformation is being spread.

alters can have intersystem relationships. alters can be introjects of fictional characters. alters can be nonhuman. alters can be a different race from the body(which is a whole other topic for another day).

it is not your job or your business to decide if a system is “faking”. you don’t know them. DID also presents differently in everyone. and bullying a mentally ill person for having a mental illness (even if you don’t believe they have it) is fucked up. unless you’re a psychiatrist, you cannot prove or disprove their diagnosis. and even if they don’t have DID, they may have some kind of psychosis disorder. regardless, NOT your business nor mine.

i don’t agree with some of the stuff they’ve said and done, but that doesn’t give me the right to bully them off the internet. let’s try to do more correcting of misinformation, spreading facts, and supporting others, not making fun, bullying, or hating on. i’m really, REALLY tired of the way the DID community handles controversy.

[oldweedsmokingbf]

I worry genuinely for people who are so public about their suspected plurality as to be doing stuff like constantly compiling fanart of their problematic source introjects or talking about their intersystem relationships. It's kind of in the same category is people who lost their medical history and triggers in their card. People will hate on people with OSDD and DID regardless (contested nature of disorder clinically) so it doesn't matter weeding out people who fake (although you are perfectly fine not wanting to deal with people who are into stuff like DSMP, systemhood doesn't absolve annoyingness). I just want these people to be safe regardless of what is up with them psychologically because that's a super vulnerable position to put yourself in. Side note also- a lot of that canon mate searching is so so unsafe and not a good basis for relationships and I wish that wasn't normalized online.

I 100% agree with this all too, this is a good addition. I also worry for those people who openly talk about everything because they are putting themselves in a vulnerable place and people will 100% abuse and take advantage of that. I'm purposely vague about certain things w/ my osddid and triggers because people don't need to know everything and it's just plain out unsafe. Also yes systemhood does not absolve annoyingness ❤️❤️ people will hate us regardless so why add onto all that hate and fighting? also it is super super unhealthy oh my goodness... I purposely try and stay away from those who share sources with my intojects at times because it really is just not a good basis to start a relationship upon. It should not be normalized 100%

[lovelyrotter]

we are a fuckinnnnn mess

for one this trauma recall is pretty fuckin bad. were burnt out as shit but we dont wanna admit it bc 1) pathetic 2) that wouldnt be fair bc ppl *need us* to be okay or at least in working order and 2a) we WANT to be in working order to take care of our partner and ourselves. were not gonna make it in canada if we just let tf go. theres intersystem fighting happening daily and if those two dont fuckin stop and or sort their shit out im gonna have to step in and no one fuckin wants that. i feel like an imposter in myself and in my relationship im still angry at my system twin for rampaging around but somehow convincing me that he was in control. our drive is borked tf out because of this recall but so is our partners but were both borked in direct opposite ways so no one is happy and theyre suffering without and wed suffer with so theres just. no fucking solution there. theres no solution. and ive gotta look up visa stuff again but i am not okay!!! we are not okay!!!! almost losing them has broken us but were not allowed to break. I refuse to let us break.

I'm deeply suspicious that I have BPD. That, or my NPD is mixing with our ADHD in a way that looks like BPD. We've tried to raise our suspicions to our partner for years, but they're sure we don't have it. I want to get screened anyway. I want to get us screened for a bunch of fuckin' things. We need an ADHD diagnosis, we need meds, as much as I hate the thought. Regardless, FP'ing my own boyfriend makes me feel like a monster. I'm tired of being made fun of. I'm tired of everything I do being tinted by narcissism. I don't know how to be anything but what I am right now. I can't be endearing with it like Jake. Dave is still mad at me and I don't blame him. I want to say or do something to make those closest to me mad. I want them to hurt me because I think I deserve it. But that's so fucking wrong and would hurt them in the process, so I outright refuse to entertain this action. Our partner system's host is trying, but every interaction with him feels awful. I'm disgusted at myself. I can't believe I didn't expect him to resent me. I don't think anyone in their system but a few people actually like me. All my partners do is take care of me in the way that they have to put their own shit aside. I feel like a fucking drain on resources when all I want to do is help and be there for them but they won't LET ME.

im just tired. like real fuckin tired. i dont see us getting recovery time for a long while. and im just

im tired of feeling tired and im scared about feeling scared all the time. im tired of being scared and im scared of feeling tired. shits a goddamn mess and i gotta make dinner in an hour

[syscest]

intersystem sex is so fun because I can do shit that’s impossible in real life. I have a few specific examples but honestly this is applicable to a lot of stuff

[anon means intrasystem here pretty sure]

yeah girl!!! this is also true of cybering if anyone needed more encouragement to get into that. off the top of my head stuff that's more sensible that way:

impreg stuff

vore!

anything risking injury

freaky nonhuman sex with bonus limbs

and specifically for intrasys:

anything where you'd otherwise be too worried about how the other person feels! use that same-brain minor telepathy yeehaw

[griancraft]

hello tumblr user griancraft i have a question about the system! do you guys have a headspace/inner world at all? also. any tips on intersystem relationships if possible? our scar fictive and i are starting a relationship and we are so confused how to make dates and stuff work jdjfskk /nf

We do! Recently discovered a new bit today actually. I’ve talked about the general headspace before so imma just talk about the “well, we’re fronting but also not” area. It’s really easy for me to picture in comparison to the rest so I can also more easily describe it!

It’s a small field. It is night time. There is tall grass and wildflowers. The moon sits massive in the sky and the constellations are constantly changing. I can visualize when here really well? Like Atticus came over and was like suh what’s up and I was like. What the fuck. When I say “see” what I mean is like. Visualize a tree with your eyes open. Yeah like that. It’s there but not really and you gotta concentrate.

The first time we went there it was by accident cause me and grian were co fronting and he kinda fell backward I guess into it? Anyway it’s really cool!

With intersystem relationships where a host and someone else are wanting to date it’s. Tricky. You gotta disconnect the idea that being in a relationship means dates in the conventional sense. Unfortunately. I try to do things like watch shared fav shows with my partners but honestly a lot of it is just. Talking. It’s like long distance but not. Our communication is above average so this may not work for everyone! With like. Two non hosts I’ve been told by others in our system it’s just like being in a regular relationship LOL but that may not be the case for everyone

[thewildwaffle]

Haunted Houses

“You know the translators don’t work for written word right?” Danro grunted, eyeing the small tablet screen his human companion held out to him. It was displaying several small human glyphs.

“It’s just a waiver saying you’re okay with coming in, and that if you have any bad effects from the flashing lights or spooky stuff they use, you can’t sue them because you chose to be here willingly, blah blah blah.” Human Addy again held up the tablet. “Basically it’s just the legal-ese version of everything we talked about earlier. I can read through it for you if you really want.”

Danro let out a growling hum. “Just look through it and make sure there’s nothing in there that wasn’t what you told me earlier.”

“No prob.” Addy pulled the waiver back and scanned over it quickly, mumbling to herself under her breath as she read. Danro looked at the human working behind the check-in counter who was doing their best to not be obvious that they were gawking at him. Not that that bothered him or anything. Standing head and shoulders above most other humans and covered in long light brown and white fur, he certainly stood out from the gathered crowd.

“We’re good to go, everything checks out!” Addy declared, handing the tablet and stylus to Danro. “You just need to write a signature at the bottom and we can go in.”

“But I don’t know how to write in your language,” Danro glanced dubiously at the screen.

“Just take it,” Addy pushed the stylus into his large hands, “You can write in your language, it doesn’t matter.”

Danro doubted that. He sighed. Humans and their contracts. They were obsessed with them, and honestly, the more he got to know of their race, the more he started to understand why. Humans, for all their ingenuity and seemingly lovable natures, could be quite underhanded. They could think their way around and through most obstacles, especially when those obstacles were well-established but loosely-defined rules and expectations. Many a treaty or trade agreement had been swung wildly in favor of the party consisting of or including humans. It was like they lived for loopholes and variable interpretations. Intersystem lawyers have been scrambling to learn from and replicate the style humans wrote contracts. After all, only a human contract could (at least somewhat) confidently bind a human.

He scribbled his name in his own familiar letters, figuring that would have to be good enough. He trusted Addy when she said it was just a liability waiver after all. She had already signed one herself. After handing the tablet and stylus back to the kid working the booth, they were off.

As they walked around the entrance gate, Danro’s mind immediately went into overdrive trying to take in and process the scenery. The surrounding buildings creating the quad the event was hosted in were lit up with orange, purple, and green lights. Queues of patrons stretched along the concrete sidewalks that ran between buildings. They were watching costumed dancers in the middle of the quad as they waited to enter the “haunted” buildings. What looked like old metal trash cans had fires lit inside them with small crowds of humans and the occasional alien figure huddled around them. There were smaller lines in front of a few trailers and booths that looked like they were selling very aromatic foods and drinks.

An approaching figure caught Danro’s eye. It was almost as tall as him, draped in a raggedy shawl, and had a grotesquely disfigured face with lacerations running from the top of its head and across one eye. Danro sniffed. He saw blood, but he didn’t smell it. This must be a human actor in a costume, something Addy had warned him of beforehand. They were likely wearing stilts as they were almost eye level to him.

“My my my, what have we here!” The actor’s voice was both screechy and gravely, a combination that made Danro’s fur prickle slightly. "I've seen many a ghost and ghoul in these mansions, but I've yet to encounter any of the likes of you two." They made an exaggerated show of looking between Danro and Addy, as if sizing them up. “What do I call you two apparitions?”

Addy gave a small chuckled and gestured to herself. “I’m Addy, I’m a human. And this is Danro, he’s a kexi biet.”

“Mortals?!” The mask wobbled a bit as the actor stepped back dramatically and then leaned in to whisper conspiratorially, “I’d keep that information to yourselves while you’re here. Who knows what lurking terror might overhear and decide to snack on your bones!”

Danro smiled indulgently at the costumed human. They were certainly well in character.

“We’ll be sure to not mention it again,” he nodded.

“Be sure that you don’t!” the mask rose up so that the fake, glossy eyes were almost level with his own. “You are a brave biet, Danro. Brave, or perhaps foolish. I do hope you and your small companion survive. Come.” They turned and led them towards the center of the quad. They paused and waited for them to catch up next to one of the trash can fires. “Have either of you been here before?”

Addy nodded, “Yeah but it’s been YEARS.” Danro shook his head.

“What a treat, then.” They pointed to one of the closer buildings with a purple light out front. Danro noticed that the actor’s costume was detailed down to the largely uneven stitches on their sleeves. It gave their arm an odd shape. Or at least, he hoped the odd shape of their arm was just part of the costume.

“Each of these buildings is haunted, some more than others. They are color-coded by the lights of how ‘dangerous’ they are.”

“So is that one the safest?” Addy dipped her head to the building being pointed to.

Their guide only laughed ominously. “Present your passes to the attendants by the door. No running, no pushing, no flashlights or video, no explicit language as it disturbs our… residents, and keep your hands to yourself if you’d like to keep your hands.”

And without another word, their guide ambled off. Addy shuffled a little closer to the fire and grinned at Danro.

“Alrighty then! Which one do you want to do first?”

Danro looked around at the quad. The dancers finished their song and were now walking and milling away to tents to warm up or rest, smallish humans were carefully nibbling on a pink puffy food on a stick that looked suspiciously like hair. The buildings themselves loomed around them, lit by their colored lights and the flickering fires around the quad. Their boarded up windows gave no indication of what was inside, although they couldn’t quite muffle the occasional scream from within.

“I’d prefer it if we could find the one that’s the mildest first,” Danro admitted. “Kind of ease myself into this, if you will.”

“No worries, bud.” Addy started towards the building with the green lights. “I think that would be this one. Green usually means easy, or mild, or good or whatever.”

That’s not what green was usually associated with on his planet, but hey, trying to scare yourself as a method of amusement and recreation wasn’t really a thing back home either. This was all very new to him.

The line in front of the green building moved pretty quickly. As they approached the front, Addy put a hand on his arm and looked up at him.

“Hey, thanks again for coming. These things aren’t nearly as much fun alone.”

Danro smiled. “Thank you for the invite.” Addy had invited a few more from their crew once she knew they’d be planetside on Earth just before what she claimed was one of her favorite holidays. He had been the only one to accept. A few others had gone to a “corn maze” with another human from the crew. Apparently, it wasn’t “haunted” and so appealed to more crewmates. Danro accepted the invitation because it saddened him to think of Addy going somewhere scary alone. That, and afterward it would be known across the ship of how much more brave he was than those who were too afraid to come.

The attendants at the door reminded them of the rules, marked their passes, and opened the doors for them.

Once inside, the doors shut noisily and Danro could feel the confidence he’d held on to outside drip away. His senses were being thrown off in here. The lights were dim, which isn’t too bad, he didn’t have great night vision, but it was alright. But there was something wrong here. He couldn’t tell why, but he could feel it. As Addy started down a narrow corridor covered with cobwebs, he took a deep breath and told himself it was just his nerves. Or maybe, he thought as they continued down the winding corridor, it was all this smoke stuff. It wasn’t real smoke, it smelled different, like minerals instead of burned materials. That was also throwing him off. The first time he saw an amputated human arm dangling out of a bag, he nearly freaked out. It was only when they passed right by it that he realized he didn’t actually smell any blood. He clutched Addy’s shoulder ahead of him as they walked by.

Danro muttered to himself. “It’s not a real arm. It’s not real. It’s not real.” He was really just saying it to himself, but from the way Addy looked back and up at him, he knew she must have heard him.

The next room was divided by a series of ripped and filthy “curtains.” As soon as they entered, Danro growled. The lights here were flashing strobe lights, making it difficult to see. There were human-sized figures standing in the room. As they passed by, he realized they weren’t human, but some sort of mannequins. Good, he sighed. Some of them looked grotesquely mangled and mortally wounded. He was glad they weren’t actual humans. As they were deep into the large room, his heart nearly stopped as he realized that some of them were moving. No, he thought, no, it had to just be a trick of the strobe lights.

Near the exit of the room, one definitely moved. The figure jumped out at them with a gravely yell. Addy screamed and jumped back. Danro froze momentarily and had to remind himself to not attack. They weren’t in danger. This wasn’t real. This wasn’t real. This wasn’t-

Addy scampered through the exit without him. Danro did his best to maneuver after her. The figure that had scared them stared at him with white eyes. That… that’s not normal. Humans have colorful and/or dark eyes. They smiled at him, baring their teeth. Even when normal humans smiled like that, Danro found it disconcerting, but this was on a whole different level. This felt genuinely dangerous.

Addy was waiting for him in the next room.

“Sorry,” she panted. “Didn’t mean to leave you behind back there.”

“Their eyes,” he whispered loudly to her, as if worried they’d overhear and come after them from their room.

“I didn’t even see their eyes. Were they creepy?”

Danro nodded.

Addy smiled, without baring her teeth, Danro noted appreciatively. “This place has really stepped up their game since the last time I was here.”

They continued through, warily watching out for hiding figures, walking through narrow maze-like halls, over uncomfortably soft and uneven ground, and through a tunnel where the walls looked like they were spinning around them. He nearly lost his balance off the walkway. He could have sworn the ground was moving. Even after they passed through that and went up a flight of stairs, he could still feel the dizzying effects. Coupled with his sense of sight and smell being confused around nearly every turn, he was starting to feel the tendrils of dread creeping into his mind. As they rounded a turn, he immediately noticed a dark figure moving in the corner. They looked like they were climbing the walls. After a few heartbeats of analyzing its movements, he realized it was mechanical. Good, it was just a prop then. As they walked through the room, bright lights strobed and the figure on the walls flew at them. Addy screamed again and ran to the door. Danro jumped up and fell back on the ground. The figure jerked to a stop in the air a pace or two away, and slowly retracted back to the wall. As Danro scrambled back up to his feet, he noticed the folding metal lattice mechanics that moved the dark creature. As terrified as he was, he had to admit that that was quite a creative scare.

There were several other rooms they walked through with no actors inside, just creepy dolls and mannequins or unsettling objects that made Danro’s fur prickle. There was a long hall with poor lighting and a very low ceiling that even Addy had to duck to get through.

“I hope nothing tries to scare us in here,” Danro muttered as he squeezed through the narrow passageway. “I don’t think I’d be able to get away very fast.” “I don’t think there’s anything in here. Or at least there wasn’t when I came through here when I was in high school. I think this part’s mostly “scary” because it’s supposed to make you feel claustrophobic.”

Danro scanned the bare cinder block and exposed dim light bulbs along the narrow passageway. Well, he thought, it was certainly claustrophobic in here. He could feel his heart rate increase the longer they walked through here and was incredibly relieved when they reached the end. Addy helped him watch his step as he climbed down from the small exit and into the dim cellar-like room.

"Are you okay?"  She carefully brushed some fake cobwebs from the fur on his arms.

“I’m fine. There aren’t any more small tunnels like that though, are there?” Danro, much like many biets, did not enjoy tight spaces.

“I think there’s another one in one of the other buildings, but it’s nowhere near as constrictive as that, or as long.” She looked up at him with a concerned expression. “Is that alright? You don’t have to do anything if you don’t want to.”

Danro smiled and nodded. “I’ll be fine. I got through this so far, I can handle it. Plus, it’s more fun to do these things together, right?”

Addy’s smile was worth any fright this place could throw at him anyway.

They pressed on and got a few more screams out of Addy and a few more alarmed jumps from Danro. As they rounded another corner and entered another dark room, Danro paused, senses alert to the scene before them. Something felt off, though he couldn’t place the reason why. His fur stood on end and he swore he could see his and Addy’s breath. He could see places where actors were likely hiding in wait to scare them, but that wasn’t where his attention was focused. There was something different about this room and it made his heart rate skyrocket.

He thought he saw movement in the corner of his vision, but when he turned his focus there, expecting to see an actor sneaking towards them, there was nothing. Addy slowly crept deeper into the dark room ahead of him. Not wanting to be separated in a place like this, he tried to stay close. Halfway through the room though, he froze. Did he really see… he swore mentally. Was that a chirnu? What was a thing like that doing in a human attraction? What was it doing here at all? It had no right, no right to exist outside biet folklore and nightmares. The living shadow, or the fang of the shadows, depending on who was telling the story. Danro closed his eyes instinctively. Don’t look at it. Don’t look at it and it might not look at you.

“Danro,” Addy whispered, realizing she no longer felt his hairy bulk behind her.

He said nothing but willed her to remain quiet. The chirnu might hear her if it hadn’t already.

“Danro, we’re almost at the end, just a little further.” She reached back to put a hand on his arm.

A loud shriek and rush of movement made them both jump. Danro swept Addy into his arms and ran. To gadring with the rules! He ran! He could hear laughter behind him and taunting voices that may or may not have been human, at this point he didn’t know nor care. He could smell fresh air ahead and it seemed to be like a beacon of hope to him.

“Danro!” Addy cried out but was cut off by a loud growl to their left. A figure jumped out from the shadows, donned in a ripped cloak, and holding a weapon that Danro later realized was a human tool used for cutting lumber.

How the heck had this maniac gotten in here with that?! Danro dodged to the right. Addy screamed and held on so tightly to Danro’s fur that she might have pulled a few tufts loose. The maniac with the saw laughed and gave chase.

This was a mistake! This was a mistake! This was a mistake!

Maybe if he could just make it outside where the crowds were, they could lose their pursuer. Surely he wouldn’t give chase into public?

Danro barreled through the final door and out into the chilly air outside. Relief! The roar of the saw was still right behind, and so he kept up with his pace. Thankfully, their pursuer didn’t seem to be able to keep up and eventually stopped a ways outside the door to laugh and Danro and Addy ran around the corner of the building and back to the crowded quad area.

Once he was absolutely sure they were no longer being followed, he stopped only long enough to set Addy back on the ground before he started again for the main entrance.

“Hey! Wait, where are you going?” Addy bounded after him.

“We need to let someone know. They need to be warned before someone gets killed!”

“What? Wait, do you- do you mean the chainsaw guy?” Addy was now at his side, but struggling to keep up. “That’s just part of the whole thing, it’s a classic end to a haunted house. There’s no actual chain or blade or whatever, it’s safe.”

Danro slowed and turned to face Addy. He studied her face. She was smiling and didn’t seem at all worried that they had almost been killed by a psycho with a “chain saw.” He took a few deep breaths to slow his heart down. “It’s not real? We’re fine?” He finally managed to ask.

Addy smiled and nodded. “We’re fine. So, first time through a haunted house, what did you think?” Danro looked back to the building they had just run out of. He stared hard at it, trying to make sense of the whole experience. Or mostly, trying to make sense of what he had seen in that last room. Had he really seen what he thought he saw?

“Danro? Are you okay?” Addy’s worried tone snapped him back.

“I thought…” he was almost embarrassed to ask now. Admitting that he had seen what would be to her an alien monster, a mythical alien monster at that, seemed to be a bit laughable now that they were back in the safety of the quad. Addy continued to look at him though, expecting him to finish his thought.

“I thought I saw… a chirnu in there in that last room,” he admitted quietly.

Addy blinked. “Chirnu? What’s that?”

He grimaced. It was said that talking about them could help them hunt you down later. As briefly as he could, he described the monster that terrorized biet folklore.

Addy listened intently and nodded. When he was done, she hummed. “That does sound pretty bad. But I’m pretty sure we’re okay. I don’t think what you saw in there was a chirnu.”

Relief flooded Danro’s system. He felt silly even entertaining the idea that chirinu were for one thing, real, and another thing, here on Earth. Although, that did leave one question.

“Then what did I see?”

“Well, I’m not entirely sure. That last room was definitely creepier than the others. I think it’s genuinely haunted.” Danro tilted his head and Addy laughed. “Although if I had to venture a guess, from your description I’d say it was probably a giant rubber spider. That room did kind of have a spider theme if you didn’t notice.” “Spider theme?”

“Yeah, I think the whole building kind of had a “phobia” theme to it. Arachnophobia is the fear of spiders. Lots of people have it. I just didn’t know biets had it too.”

Danro straightened his back in mock indignation. “I’m not afraid of spiders.”

Addy laughed. “Okay, then you were just pretending back there?”

Danro frowned, but the human’s happy energy was too much and he eventually cracked and smiled back. He looked around at the other patrons, mostly humans, who were waiting anxiously in line. They came to be scared. They wanted to be scared. How odd. And yet, Danro could feel himself still riding the high of his fight or flight senses. From what he understood, humans experienced a similar feeling, heightened by the production of a hormone called adrenaline. He could see how places like this might seem attractive to those seeking that rush.

“Well,” he responded airily, “I thought the whole point was to pretend to be scared.”

Addy laughed and teased. He teased back, recalling and imitating her many screams. They continued doing so while they waited in line to buy a bag of what Addy called “popcorn” and two caramel covered apples. Addy said they were some of her favorites, and caramel apples were a fall tradition. Danro enjoyed both. He smiled as he listened to Addy continue on about things she loved about the season and upcoming holiday before they went to wait in line for the building with the orange light.

That night became, quite possibly, one of his fondest memories. Humans are weird. They think getting scared on purpose is fun. Maybe Danro was a bit weird too because he whole-heartedly agreed.

[system-of-a-feather]

The disjointed and discontinuous healing and recovery that comes with DID is so frustratingly annoying. When you are making good progress on one thing and get really good motion and flow with you, you are really making solid work and its great, but THEN your brain picks up some trauma triggers to process and now THAT is the overwhelming issue. You stop what you are doing and you focus on helping that issue, and suddenly POOF! Its gone, out of reach, and just as you were getting into the flow of working on that and recovery with that, its gone.

So now you look back at the other thing you were working on, and see it is still there and you could return to it, but the entire flow was disrupted and now it is hard to figure out how to start working on it again. The recovery and processing momentum was lost because trauma brain randomly pulled up a random trauma to process intensely, and then disappeared, and now you have no momentum and have to pick everything up and slowly start back up.

You neither got to a comfortable place of processing and working on what you were focusing on, nor did you fully get to work through the trauma, and now lost momentum on both.

It is better than a relapse or a start over, but it gets exhausting how tiresome - in the path of healing - that we have to switch gears and loose all the momentum and reinforcement for doing healthy stuff that allowed us to make good progress. 

Rather than being able to focus on one or two things for a month or so and to work on it slowly, you can try to focus on one things, but then other issues, trauma, identity crises, intersystem issues, interpersonal issues, and everything will sucker punch you.

It makes recovery and healing hard when dissociation and a shit ton of poorly processed / unprocessed trauma can come by and completely change the focus and halt whatever you were doing, demand attention, and then disappear.

I really do wish that this disorder had only a few large topics and issues to address and that I could focus on those that are part of it but the disorder just has SO many overlaying issues on top of it, and because its mental health, none of it comes at a convenient time or at a pacing that works nicely.

It can get really overwhelming and frustrating to be trying to work on something and for something hardly or only partially relating to plop itself on the table and tell you to fix it first.

It’s like getting near the climax of the story, feeling as though you are about to make a breakthrough and come to a good strong realization that will make a change and then YEET NEVERMIND THATS THE OTHER ISSUE.

It’s a headache and to be honest, it is a bit of a grind on my gears at the moment. I’m not too annoyed because it is what it is and it is still a net positive, but its just tiring to have to get the ball rolling again when I had such a flow of progress on Topic A

Really, if I had to say one of the worst aspects of DID and how it affects healing, it would really be the discontinuity and disjointedness of healing and how that ends up affecting how memory and trauma is handled. Every day, there are like 500 things to actively process and work through as a system and as a part, and it makes trying to work through ANY of them so exhaustingly tiresome.

Having parts and alters really isn’t the big thing or issue with DID, it is just how much having all that discontinuity and disconnectedness can make it very very difficult to move forward and progress in life, emotionally or otherwise.

It’s like having 10,000 tabs open at once and on each tab is an important assignment and they all vaguely correlate with each other and most need the other tabs to get information to complete them, so you just spend time clicking trying to find the right tab but if you click the WRONG tab it sends a spiral and now you are locked in that tab until you solve it and it’s just stressful and overwhelming.

I dunno, I really don’t get the hyperfixation on the alters aspect. It really is a red herring to me.

-Riku (Host)

[mudstoneabyss]

Hope this doesn't sound rude but, whats up with the way you've been typing lately? Lot of .. ' those things, whatever theyre called... apostrophes?

uh well long story short: some complicated intersystem stuff I ain't gettin into happened or was realized or whatever, i get hyperfixations in both a folk band an our motw campaign in which our char has a heavy american southern accent, I develop southern vernacular 💛

[editoress]

A little more on my Destiny self insert, featuring @ssugakookies~.  Nothing big, just a day in the life of making trouble.

*

Elizabeth was in a tiny bit of a pickle.

A less informed individual might assume that the pickle proper had been escaping from the whirlwind trap of a planet she had been snooping on.  The atmosphere had been a jumble of looping currents, and a number of unfriendly ships had been buzzing just outside orbit.  And the surface of the planet itself had been summarily unsettling.  The Solicitor’s instruments hadn’t picked up anything too far outside the ordinary, but it had felt wrong.  It reminded her of the stories of radiation fallout sites, abandoned places with no obvious danger that nonetheless ate and burned at whoever wandered in.

But Elizabeth’s whole career was snooping in dangerous territory, and this was a workday afternoon. She had even sent Kel a quick message—not least so someone would know she was alive and planned to be back in a few days.

She propped one foot up on the seat and took a huge bite of the burrito she’d packed.  She hadn’t been sure of this particular lead at first. It had come from an acquaintance, a buddy in the making, rather than a true friend.  Despite her doubts, though, this had been a startlingly successful trip. She owed Geriks a favor—and a good long talk about their sources.  Geriks’s exact house was among their many taciturn secrets.  Elizabeth hadn’t pried about it.

But hey, maybe they would be friends soon.  She could use some more friends from races outside the City.

She could use a few days off, too.  It would take at least that long for her to sort through the data she’d grabbed. Most of it was text, though there were a few images and schematics here and there.  Of what, she didn’t yet know.  But she was very interested to find out.  It was a very good haul.

The aforementioned pickle lay in the damaged book in the cargo hold.

Physical books were long out of style, and based on the electronic data Elizabeth had uncovered, she surmised that had been true even for the beings who had lived in those ruins. And yet, there had been a book.  A metal cover with intricate hinges protected pages that weren’t paper, exactly.  There was no telling what kind of writing it contained, or even whether it was legible.  She hadn’t examined it properly—and wouldn’t, because she refused to touch it.

She kind of wanted to touch it, and she didn’t like that at all.

She didn’t like that it was a real, old-fashioned book, and she didn’t like the feel of the place it had come from, and furthermore she didn’t much care for the way it sat around and faintly beckoned.  Her burrito suffered for this displeasure.

Elizabeth knew when she was outmatched, which was, to be fair, most of the time.  She wasn’t a guardian or a proper warrior.  Nor was she any kind of weaver of magic.  The honest truth, deep down, was that she wasn’t even a good information broker; she just made the right friends.  There was far more cajoling than cunning involved. But she had enough cunning to know that this book was outside her bailiwick.

Concerning bailiwicks, she had a few constables in mind.  But who to choose?

Part of her wanted to turn it over to the vanguard, or at least Ikora.  Elizabeth might wave cheerily at their laws as she bypassed them, but at the end of the day, they were guardians; they worked to save people.  Elizabeth wanted that, too.

And even if she avoided light-based management, there were plenty of rank-and-file guardians she could trust.  True friends, people with good hearts.  Actual, real-life heroes.  Assuming they could figure out what the right thing was, Elizabeth had absolute confidence they would do it.

She sighed and leaned back, stretching her legs out until the rested against the bulkhead.  “Shut up,” she told the book, though it hadn’t said anything.  Just to stop it from getting any ideas.

As much as she wanted to throw the book like a frisbee anywhere it couldn’t cause harm, she also wanted answers from it.  This whole trip had been a search for answers; she needed context for all the weird stuff going on.  Elizabeth understood that D-money was playing in the big leagues and didn’t want her involved.  Unfortunately, that wasn’t going to stop her from sticking her nose in it.

If anyone knew what this alien tome was and what to do with it, it would be D-money.  (She wouldn’t call him the Drifter, like he was a band. They were friends.  At least her nicknames made it sound like he had a name.)  He might not tell her anything but tall tales, but he would know.  And maybe he could even use it for… whatever he was doing.

Elizabeth trusted the man with her life.  Maybe not with her wallet, and certainly not with any excuses about where he’d run off to lately—but her life, absolutely.  On the other hand, her conscience wouldn’t allow her to make that decision for everyone else.

The fact remained that picking a guardian was the safer option by a long shot.  D’s shenanigans were fascinating and even tempting, but they were an unknown factor.

Elizabeth finished off her lunch thoughtfully.  She ran down her list of friends and acquaintances a few times, but there was no one else with the possible combination of power, good will, and know-how to take this artifact off her hands.  Besides the void, of course.  She could always space it in between systems.  But that would require her to leave well enough alone.

The trip back was a quiet one, no matter how much music she blared—and the Solicitor had quite a selection.  She scanned the data she’d raided, shaking it down for any unfriendly programs.  She exercised to keep her body from going stir-crazy in on the little two-deck ship.  And though physically she avoided her new least favorite artifact, mentally she never put it down.

The harsh blur of intersystem travel cooled to a lovely vista of stars.  There was only one thing to do.  As soon as she saw planets again, Elizabeth leaned over, feet tucked under the seat, and opened a comm line.

“Beth?” came Quinn’s voice.

Elizabeth grinned.  So it was a Beth day.  Kel knew her as Beth.  D-money called her Liz.  She had introduced herself to the Spider as Liza.  Hers was a name given to nicknames, and she scattered them around to help remind herself where the lines were.

Except with Quinn, who knew and used several variations of her name.  There were no lines with Quinn.  D might be a genius, but Elizabeth had figured that out way before him.

“Greetings from the beyond!” announced Elizabeth to the comm.

Quinn snorted.  “Tell the beyond not to get caught.  You’re stressing Glyph out.”

Elizabeth thought that was an unfair accusation; even if she did cause Glyph distress, she was by far the minority shareholder in that joint venture.  “The beyond is chastened,” she allowed nevertheless.  “Got a minute?”

“Sure.”

Elizabeth settled her chin in one hand.  “I’m looking for consultation services.  How much do you charge, hourly?”

“How many sweets are you bringing back this time?” the guardian quipped without missing a beat.

“Only the bitter fruits of knowledge, I’m afraid.”  She wrinkled her nose and sighed through it.  “Quinn, I need your advice.  I found something, and I have no idea what to do with it.”

“You want my advice?” Quinn repeated, disbelief in her voice.

“Well, yeah.”

“Am I going to get blamed when something happens?”

Elizabeth blew a raspberry and hoped she could hear it through the comm.  “Look, I just need to talk to someone about this.  You’re my best friend and you’re good people.”

Quinn made a dismissive noise right back at her, but Elizabeth could almost see her smile. “Okay, okay.  I’m listening.  What’s going on?”

The weight lifted off Elizabeth’s chest just hearing that.  Maybe she wasn’t a good spy or scout, but she had incredible friends. As long as Quinn stuck around, she could figure out the rest.  “So this might sound like the start of a horror play,” she began, “but I found the creepiest book.”