#is family that could NEVER fit into what society sees as 'normal'

[acaciapines]

guys what if i told you ive been thinking about dess and actually i think dess/chara might be able to work out in the drkau...like ive been doing some thinking into dess and her reasons and why she does what she does and how she cares about people and im starting to nail down the role i want asriel to play, and. and.

guys i think dess is actually going to be able to change. i think dess figures out how to change but asriel never does....

[heartfullofleeches]

Creep Yan: My parents say they love me, but I see the relief on their face everytime I walk out the door. I've tried so hard to fit in with society, but the second I mention my personal interests and likes everyone says I'm the freak. So what if i like collecting animal bones - its a common hobby. I'm more normal than any of you bastards because I'm real to myself! Ha...hahaha! Maybe I should just kill everyone like they always said I would- I'd like to see you all laugh as you fucking rot

Clown Reader, kissing their forehead and fixing the blanket draped over their shoulders: You're not moving from this spot until you finish your milk, Silly. You want another PB&J?

Creep Yan: .... will you still use the heart cookie cutter this time?

Clown Reader: For you - always :)

Creep Yan, tears pouring out of their eyes: I have never known real love until I met you. My entire family could be trapped in a burning building and I'd leave them all to roast as tribute to you...

Clown Reader: How about we don't think thoughts like that and you show me some of the bones from your collection after you finish

Creep Yan: marry me....

[edlucavalden]

Mithrun and non-visible disability

Yk, I've never seen people talk about this, but Mithrun is a very accurate depiction of having a non visible illness

I'd like to interpret mithrun's bastard origin to be an allegory for an invisible disability (I'd argue its neurodivergance, but it could be anything); An aspect of yourself that you are born with (in this case; born from) that is seen as inferior but it is not obvious.

He's even lucky—since that part of him is that of benefit. His infidelity gave him silver eyes and sharp ears after all (if you can catch the metaphor). from the outside, He's just a normal person, a person worth respecting because he's fits the standard.

However, he knows he does not fit the standard. it's just a lie. He hates himself—so, so much bc of that. It causes him to over-compensate through complete perfectionism and a high sense of self pride. He has to keep a big image in order to protect himself. it's the only thing that can get him loved.

However, that superficial ego gives him terrible imposter syndrome. He knows he doesn't deserve it, but he wants to. like everyone, he craves love and safety. So, he looks down at everyone, hyperfocused at their flaws (he can't be inferior if everyone is worse, right?) whatever it takes to prove himself that he deserves love.

He knows he's weak, but he has to show to everyone that he's strong because any slight sight of weakness would be detrimental since he knows that his humanity is conditional.

He knows that if he shows the truth and how he doesn't actually fit the status quo, he will be ostracized and rejected.

He knows—because his brother is proof of that.

Obrin's disability is obviously visible; Shown through his physical characteristics (his frailness and the lack of family traits). However, his discrimination may be due to this visible disability. he isn't nessesarily ostracized for those traits. His features aren't the (main) reason why he's perceived as inferior in the social hierarchy. it's instead because he's rumored to be a bastard child. This is why he hates his brother so much.

Obrins physical characteristics are just "symptoms" that perpetuate their prejudice towards infidelity (if were going by the disability allegory, think; this person is too sensitive, it must be bc of the autism...). By doing so, his brother indirectly taught him to hide that part of himself.

He hates Obrin because he is the physical manifestation of what will happen to him if his infidelity (disability) is revealed. He is the same plane as his brother after all, The only difference is that he's fortunate enough to be able to hide it.

It's very interesting how his hatred to Obrin isn't because he's genuinely bigoted and ignorant towards him, but because of his own personal internalized ablelism just projected. (It's ironic how contrary it is; he hates his brother because he sees him as equal) very much paralleling visible and nonvisible disability in intimate familial relationships.

The fact mithrun is the bastard child, not him. Imagine the burdening guilt and shame that comes with the knowledge that he could (or should) be one in his place.

He's constantly paranoid of thoughts that he's not good enough. That's why he was so upset when he was sent to the canaries or when he saw Obrin and Sultha together.

Because those are signs that Obrin is better than him and he could not forgive that (how can someone like him, completely ostracized from society, and be so content...?). And that sign proves his paranoia of not being good enough are correct.

mithrun's insecurities, fears, and behavior very much parallel that of being a high masking disabled person.

Hes is a flawed disabled character, but one you can also sympathize with.

He isn't a perfect victim. He delves on how a disabiled person who's so intrenched in a heavily ableist and bigoted society can be a victim to its bigotry and be taken advantage of (The demon. I didn't touch on that topic, as much as i would love an essay about how the demon preyed on mithruns vulnerability regarding his own disability but unfortunately, that might be too triggering for me lawl!) while also actively participating in it and perpetuate said beliefs

And that means so much to me

[homelanderbutbig]

There's Still A Part Of Me Here (G/T Homelander x Reader)

1912 words. Hurt/comfort, and a bit of angst. Homelander is 8 feet tall. Reader is non-descriptive. Established relationship.

Homelander is forced to be alone for one night and it's a struggle. Inspired by this ask.

When Homelander developed feelings for you, he made a promise to himself that he would never be alone again. He would never allow himself to drown in the crushing waves of solitude that plagued him from birth. As long as he had you by his side, you would be his anchor that helped him sail across the stormy oceans of his fractured mind.

That was why he couldn't believe when you informed him you'd be leaving for a family funeral… and he couldn't come too. You insisted that you would keep it as brief as possible, and while you would be gone overnight you'd return first thing in the morning. However, your attempts to quell his unease did nothing but further fuel the fire burning in the pit of his stomach.

He tried his damndest to persuade you to stay, that your family wouldn't miss your presence for a measly day, but he found himself helpless to change your decision. Although you were worried about how he could handle this, he did his best to put on a brave face for you, trying to switch from his fretful disposition just a moment ago to something 'cool and collected'. It wasn't much to fool you as you've gotten to know him well enough to see right through his façade, but he continued to reassure you that he would be fine, practically pushing you out to the elevator. He's gone through his entire life alone, and one night without you wasn't going to kill him.

And now, here he stands alone in his penthouse. It's late at night and he can't sleep, not with the soul crushing silence surrounding him. Something about the atmosphere is different than normal… empty. He finds that this feeling isn't something he can placate by turning on meaningless background noise from the television or radio. Before, he preferred the peace and quiet of his penthouse. It protected him from the irritating chatter from the rest of society and gave him the time to ruminate on his thoughts, for better or worse. But over the last few months he's been with you, he's grown accustomed to the way you've brought light into his life. It's every little thing about you… your scent, your voice, your laugh, your heartbeat. Your humanity.

It's all gone, and Homelander doesn't know how to handle it.

He's in front of the window in his living room, staring blankly into the dark sky. If he could, he'd be launching into the air to fly off and locate you. Instead he's fighting an internal battle in his brain, planted firmly in place and unable to walk over to his balcony. Before you left, the two of you agreed that he was not to come find you while you attended the funeral, lest you both be spotted together and your secret relationship be discovered. He would never risk that, and so he's left alone to dissociate.

Increasingly, the pressure builds in his chest as he is forced to grapple with his unrelenting anxieties. He tends to not experience the sensation of powerlessness, but presently he is lost in what to do. There has always been a hole in his heart, the need for unconditional love that's been purposefully kept from him. You so effortlessly fit that puzzle piece, making him feel… complete. And now that piece of him has been bloodily ripped out of his ribcage. It doesn't even matter you haven't really left him. Right now, all he comprehends is you're not here. His eyes twitch as the ringing in his ears builds in volume, until it feels like he's at the brink.

Until something has to give.

"John," a voice suddenly calls out from his bedroom, breaking him from his detached thoughts. He recognizes that voice in an instant, it's the friend who helped him through his traumas of the lab. The only companion he's ever had. His reflection.

"John, come here," the voice calls again. Like a dog with its tail tucked in between its legs Homelander cannot help but obey, and slowly saunters over to face the mirror at his bedside. He nervously rubs his hands along his wrists, knowing full well his 'friend' is not going to be a source of empathy for him.

"Look at you tiger," his counterpart berates him, shaking his head at the sorry sight. "This worked up over what, a human? This is a pathetic thing to see, pal. I thought you were better than this."

"N-no…" he mumbles faintly, tears beginning to build up in his eyes. He struggles to even look into the mirror, feeling the intense stare his 'friend' is burning straight through him.

"You're weak," his reflection scoffs. "You're a god to these mudpeople, and yet you're letting one control you so easily? Tsk tsk. You need to man up, and remove this sickness already."

"…H-how?" he asks.

"Kill them," his replica states bluntly, showing no emotion. "Fly over to their worthless little funeral, and remove the hold they have over you."

Homelander clenches his hands into fists, apprehension choking him. Hearing those words… kill them. Since you first came into his life, his 'friend' has always hated you. He'd put years of work in dragging this pitiful little boy out of the ashes to mold him into a perfect being. One that could no longer be vulnerable. But you've undone everything, whittling away his armour to break through to that… longing for affection he could never fully destroy. The way you baby him, like you actually care. Humans are incapable of concern for him; all they ever want is to hurt him, always leaving him begging for their approval.

And one way or another, he's going to make sure it's only the two of them left alive.

"This ant isn't eye-level with you, they don't even reach your fucking chest. They are not your equal. No human is," he keeps pushing, the venom saturating each word. "Was I not the one who protected you from the Bad Room? Don't things always work out when you listen to me?" he questions, waiting momentarily for Homelander to give a timid nod in response. "Then do it. Kill them. DO. IT."

His reflection continues aggressively repeating this phrase, his shouting getting louder and louder.

DO IT. DO IT. DO IT.

Shutting his eyes tight, he futilely attempts to block out the outside world. But he's already totally overwhelmed; his breathing is staggered and his face is drenched with his tears. He tries to push his 'friend' out of his mind but he can't do it. All he hears is his own voice demanding your death. Coupled with the returning ringing in his ears, it's getting to be too much for him to handle.

"John," a voice once again calls out to him, cutting through the discordant racket. However, this time it sounds unusual. It's not his voice.

It's yours.

However, he refuses to peek at the mirror, terrified of what he's going to see in front of him. He just knows his brain is playing a trick on him. He has to be, it can't really be you. He-

"It's okay baby boy. You can open your eyes," your voice says, so soothingly.

With a trembling lower lip, Homelander swallows his nerves and obeys your request. To his surprise, his 'friend' is nowhere to be seen in the mirror; your form has taken his counterpart's place, and is gazing directly at him. And not even at your regular vantage point, he doesn't have to bend down to look at you. Instead, you're magically floating up at his eye-level… like you truly are his equal.

He knows he must look absolutely pathetic to you right now, a giant of a man crying to himself in the mirror. But you don't show any contempt for him, you never do. It doesn't take much for you to prove his 'friend' wrong, the way you display nothing but pure compassion to his mental suffering.

"Having a bit of a rough time, huh?" you sympathize.

"I-I need h-help," he sniffles, nodding his head roughly. His weepy eyes are so bloodshot, so desperate for relief from his burdens. "P-please, I can't do this a-alone…"

"You aren't alone sweetie," you remind him, your voice so smooth that every word sounds like music to his ears. "There's still a part of me here. You keep it safe just for times like this. And I think it wants to help."

At first your reply confuses him, but the memories begin flooding back once you point over to the dresser on the other side of his bedroom. On your one-month anniversary, you gifted him the most precious thing he's ever received from anyone, your childhood teddy bear. When Homelander first told you about his past, he was so nervous you would use it against him, like so many have before. But of course you're nothing like those vermin. You kept his secrets close to your heart, and in turn decided to allow him to share your childhood. Something nobody has ever done for him before, just letting him be, well… human.

Rushing over to the dresser, he lifts up the top to reveal the keepsakes he's stashed away from those he's been close to over the years. And smack dab in the middle of his collection, is your brown teddy bear. He rips off his leather gloves and drops them unceremoniously to the floor as he takes the bear out of the dresser. It's so miniscule in his large hands, but his hypersensitive skin makes him feel like the small one engulfed by the plush toy. Amazingly, his stress dissipates the longer his fingers dance along the bear's well-loved fur, completely hushing the city noise around him.

He raises it up to his nose, inhaling the faint scent of you that lingers on its pelt. It's enough to wrap him in the warmth he's been urgently wishing for all night. You might not be currently with him in person, but he feels your aura surrounding him, embracing him. Protecting him.

Finally, Homelander is calm.

Stripping off his suit, he lies down in his bed, keeping the bear held against his chest. It's funny how when all else fails something so childish, a toy, can bring him down to reality so fast. How much it reminds him of you. He moves the bear to his face, resting it on his cheek as he nuzzles deeper into its fuzzy coat. Not to deprive his arms of their own comfort, he reaches for your pillow and hugs it snuggly to his chest, lightly petting it with his thumbs, like he does with your hair when he's hugging you. He lets out a deep sigh and flutters his eyes closed, letting the remaining tension drain from his body. He's lulled into sleep from a combination of his exhaustion and of the solace you've brought to his overworked senses.

By the time the morning comes and you return to the penthouse, he's got you buried in his arms, refusing to let you go for even a second. You laugh to yourself, happy to see he's at least survived the night alone, unaware of the evening's turmoil. Giving Ashley a call, you inform her that you and Homelander will both be unavailable for the rest of the day so you can catch up on some cuddle time. You know he deserves it.

[songsofadelaide]

"Can you kiss me?"

Your words hung thick in the balmy night air, so much so that you felt like you could take them back at any moment.

"It doesn't have to mean anything."

Yet Satoru heard them as clear as day with how close he stood before you. His blue eyes were bright with confusion at your sudden request, though it was something he felt inclined to fulfill.

For many long years, you two orbited each other like celestial bodies, sometimes following the same path but most of the time just passing by each other. Satoru was one of your older brother's closest friends, so it only made sense that he would see you as the little sister that you were. But you weren't just his best friend's little sister to him— you were a brilliant girl in your own right, but perhaps too smart for your own good. Men always wanted docile, unassuming women for themselves so their decisions would never be questioned, but you were neither, thus never fitting into your society's mould of how women should be. You were what they called the fruit at the bottom of the basket, but you were also the light of your elder brother's life— and his beloved headache, for you posed a problem for him if you couldn't find a husband for yourself anytime soon.

"All my life I've waited patiently, but I truly want to know what it's like to be kissed."

It doesn't have to mean anything, you remember yourself saying earlier. But you've adored him all your life and you've heard it from your brother yourself that Satoru would never give you the time of the day...

But he approached you carefully, so unlike he normally would, his blue eyes taking notice of the nervous quiver in your glossy lips. At that very moment, you had his complete and undivided attention and you couldn't quell the heaving of your chest as your heart jumped inside you, only for it to burst as he leaned down to tenderly press his lips against yours. His lips were warm against yours, moving against yours, coaxing you to follow his lead, and you could have sworn he moved to cup your face in his palm. And you couldn't tell if it was your cheek that was hot or if it was his hand that was burning.

Satoru kissed you with a fervour you've never experienced before and it somewhat scared you. What if you search the world for this kind of feeling but never find it again? You wouldn't even be surprised if that's the case. You loved Satoru, after all. For the longest time.

It doesn't have to mean anything, you reminded yourself, but that kiss was everything to you now. And you only asked him because it would mean so little to him since you held almost little to no sway over him at all.

You part from him with tears prickling your eyes and his breath still on your lips, but you don't forget to thank him for granting your request, inane as it may have sounded to him. He could only follow the trail of your dress as you disappeared into your family home once more, as you were obviously trying to spare yourself from any more embarrassment.

It was only when you haunted Satoru's dreams in ways he never thought you would— in ways he never thought he'd look at you— that he realised you actually do hold a lot of sway over him.

He woke up the next day and found a bowl of fresh fruit on their dining table, but he searched the very bottom of it for the one so bruised yet tender, and it proved to be the sweetest of them all.

"Now, what do I do with this new information?" He chuckled to himself as he savoured the moisture and flavour, only to be reminded of the tremble of your glossed lips from last night.

✦ Inspired by Penelope and Colin's first kiss (Bridgerton S3 x 01) omgdfdg I have so many emotions abt that scene lol.

[arliedraws]

Ok so I need your opinion on the "Sirius black was always different and was abused from the very beggining" thing because after thinking about the canon Sirius and Walburga it made me think that Sirius probably used to be Walburga's biggest pride and joy because he was a perfect son in her eyes but their relationship started getting worse after he miraculously became a Gryff.

It just fits, you know? Regulus always sounded like a quiet child, someone often overlooked while Sirius is loud, opinionated and hard to control. And Walburga sounds exactly the same.

There is no way she wouldn't love a child that is her copy, someone she saw as the perfect future heir. Because he //was// perfect.

But then he became a Gryff and mayby she still believed things would stay the same but then Sirius came home for the holidays and he was- different. Yeah, he was still loud and proud but he started asking questions that neither Walburga nor Orion liked. They humanized mudbloods!

After that I think the relationship just became more and more toxic until Sirius couldn't stay anymore in the house he used to love, with people he used to (and mayby still) love.

Mayby that's why Walburga hated her oldest so much even as a portrait. Sirius was supposed to be //the best//, he was supposed to be //perfect//. And yet here he is, broken and a shell of his perfect little boy, used, chewed up and discarded when he was no longer needed

What do you think?

First off, I’m going to be really careful about how we define abuse here. I agree to a certain extent, but I think we need to consider that what we know to be emotional and physical neglect/abuse today is very different from 1960s-1970s child-rearing. The Blacks were an exceptionally traditional magical family, and their behaviors towards their children would have reflected this.

I think Mrs. Black loved Sirius more than Regulus, and I imagine her expectations for Sirius were much higher. “Sit up straight, do this, do that, don’t do that,” etc. Critiquing, nitpicking, criticizing. Today, I doubt we would tolerate this sort of behavior from a parent, but I think this would have been very normal in their society. After all, you show your child how much you love them by turning them into the very best version of them, right? Right???

Regulus was a jealous, sycophantic little slug. I think he would have tried to get Sirius in trouble whenever he could, but no one likes a snitch, particularly not Mrs. Black. But it’s easy to pit siblings against each other, and Mrs. Black would have used this to her advantage: “Oh, Sirius, look how refined your brother is. Do you see him speaking out of turn? Do you see how he obeys his mother?”

I also headcanon that Mrs. Black used magic to teach lessons. In a fic, I have Sirius relate an anecdote from childhood where he repeatedly talks out of turn and Mrs. Black uses a Silencing charm on him to shut him up for a few days—a gentle punishment in her eyes and a vital life lesson, but really traumatizing for a child. Again, this is abuse, and perhaps other traditional families would see it as extreme, but I don’t think anyone would express concern or find it particularly troubling. (James would be horrified, though, of course.)

As Sirius drifts further and further away from his family, however, Mrs. Black becomes increasingly desperate to keep her son in line. They eventually dissolve into constant fighting until Sirius can’t take it anymore and runs away (or this scenario).

A lot of folks think that pain and hatred is the foundation of abuse, but really, it’s often love. Growing up in an environment where you are never good enough, where your parents are constantly criticizing who you are and how to improve is an incredibly damaging and traumatizing way to grow up. Imagine being told that you are better than everyone else but you are still not good enough. Your everyday actions—speaking, eating, just sitting there—could be something you’re doing wrong. Imagine just trying to fucking eat and your mother barks at you that you’re holding your knife and fork wrong. Or that the order in which you’re eating is wrong. Or that you’re making too much eye contact or not enough or that you can’t speak until an adult addresses you. Not because she hates you, but because she loves you.

Anyway, is it abuse? Yeah. Would Sirius have considered it abuse? I’m not so sure, but I’m not sure he would recognize it as love (why would he?). However, Mrs. Black definitely saw her parenting as love, and she would see him running away as taking her love and throwing it all away for nothing. Let’s be honest, I think she always hoped Sirius would come back to her, and it drove her mad that he never did.

Oh, and yeah, Sirius definitely loved his family. He was constantly rejected and belittled, and I think he hated himself for wanting their approval deep down (even though he would NEVER admit it and never do anything to get it). This is what can be so hard for children who come from emotionally abusive families—at some point, it’s still your mom, and you want her to love you, but you fucking hate that you want it.

[rayan12sworld]

💙🧡Wish I could forget the taste of your skin and the feel of your hands pinning me down

By:KizuKatana

Summary:

Wei Wuxian would like to think that - if he had known that Lan Wangji would walk out of his life immediately after they hooked up- he wouldn’t have given into his ridiculous attraction for the man. He wished he were better at lying to himself.

Guest-starring Lan Wangji’s canonically poor communication choices after romantic cave encounters

Chapter:10/10

Words:63,215

Status:completed

“I don’t work with major sects. Especially not the Lan.”

~~

He had to see Wei Ying, to make sure he was okay. He hadn’t been allowed to see Wei Ying six years ago, and the man had nearly died. Would have died if Wen Qing hadn't randomly happened to be interviewing at Gusu hospital that same day. It was unacceptable that a sheer coincidence was the only reason Wei Ying was still alive. The company Lan Wangji’s family owned had put Wei Ying at risk, then abandoned him. Someone in his family’s company had made the decision to fire Wei Ying without notice, which violated company policy. Someone in his family’s company had further made the decision to pull medical support over a policy that was clearly not meant to be used in this way. Lan Wangji was going to find this ‘ someone .’ And when he did… Lan Wangji cut himself off at the shocking violent images that flickered through his normally peaceful mind. There was precedent for such punishments. Though much of his ancestor’s history had been burned, enough survived to make it clear that Lan discipline had always been harsh. In the modern context, he knew such measures would be viewed as archaic… even barbaric. But cultivators were given leeway by the authorities and society at large to handle their own business. Lan Wangji felt a primal sort of anger and thirst for vengeance that - for the first time in his life - made him fiercely glad that there would be no boundaries to stay his hand if he found the one responsible for Wei Ying’s treatment.

~~

“You never told me that you and Hanguang-Jun had been romantically involved.” Wei Wuxian choked on his in-drawn breath, which sent him into a coughing fit that lasted almost a minute. “What?!” He wheezed, when he could finally form words again. “Why would you think… it was only… we weren’t romantically involved. Fuck, who says shit like that?” Wen Qing eyed him skeptically. “If you’re trying to play this off cool, you are failing spectacularly. Though that’s nothing new.”

~~

Lan Xichen shot him a sideways glance, and continued to scroll. “Wangji…,” Lan Xichen said after several more pages of scrolling. “Did you have time to do anything other than follow Wei Wuxian around and document his actions?” Lan Wangji felt his ears heat as report after report with his signature flashed across the screen. He had, perhaps, not realized that there were so many reports he had written about Wei Ying. “I was the Compliance officer,” Lan Wangji replied tersely. “Mn,” Lan Xichen said, an unforgivable smirk appearing on his face. “You wrote him up for wearing too few layers on a night hunt after being covered in Yao viscera and changing into civilian attire?” Lan Wangji clenched his jaw. Wei Ying had been wearing only shorts and a tee-shirt. It had been a professional trip. It had been… distracting. “You know that most people don’t flirt by giving citations of minor rule violations to the person they are interested in, right?” Lan Xichen persisted, openly laughing at him, even if it was only with his eyes. “ Ge ,” Lan Wangji said repressively, which only served to amuse Lan Xichen more.

~~

He also really wanted to run his sword through Su She, metaphorically. And also literally. His hand flexed around the cool, smooth hilt of Bichen. He trusted his brother, but Lan Xichen was kind. Su She did not deserve kindness. “Please trust me, Wangji,” Lan Xichen pleaded, as if reading his brother’s thoughts. “Su She must face discipline. According to the sect rules, not civilian laws,” Lan Wangji stated. He would not bend on this.

[skarsjoy]

NEW portraits and interview from British GQ

Alexander Skarsgård on his “emotional support” tuxedo at the Met Gala 2024

“Going to these types of events is quite stressful”

By Daisy Jones, 7 May 2024

For Alexander Skarsgård, prep for the Met Gala 2024 starts weeks beforehand. Not physically – that doesn’t take long at all – but mentally. “I ask my family to, every time they see me, call out ‘Alex! Alex! Over here!’ to get ready for the press line. And throw out a lot of questions, like ‘Alex! Alex! What are you wearing? You look amazing!’” he says in his Nordic meets American twang, amusement dancing down the phone line.

He’s joking of course. But he’s also not. Events like the Met Gala can be “quite stressful” and “intense”, says Skarsgård. There’s a lot of adrenaline. Flashing lights. Faces in every direction. So on the day of, he likes to keep things comparatively quiet: staying inside, reading a book, mooching around in silence until it’s time to get ready. After the Met Gala, to decompress, he does exactly the same thing. “It’s a lot of fun, you meet a lot of friends, a lot of people you've met throughout the years and haven’t seen in a while. But again, you’re drained. Being in a quiet hotel room on my own is quite nice a few hours beforehand and I feel the same way after.”

We’re speaking a couple of hours before the big event, and although he says that red carpets like this can be stressful, he sounds relatively relaxed, joking and laughing often (although he is an actor, so). He hasn’t gotten dressed yet – he’ll be wearing a custom double-breasted wool suit by Calvin Klein, a brand he’s worked with for over a decade – with his hair styled in the way he usually wears it (no product, no shampoo for a day or two). “Because my hair’s very straight, I look like a Monchhichi doll when I wash my hair,” he says.

It was the timelessness of the tuxedo that spoke to him. After all, The Garden of Time (1962) by J.G. Ballard – this year's dress code – is all about the inevitable march of time, and trying to hold onto it for as long as possible. “I wanted to go for something timeless but also in my mind a throwback to James Cagney; that kind of double-breasted Hollywood look from the 1930s and 1940s. But then obviously, from Calvin Klein, it’s a slimmer silhouette with some classical components in terms of the rich wool fabric and the cut of it; the little details that I thought were really interesting.”

Did he have any other ideas ahead of the night before he landed on this one? “I felt like there are so many ways to go,” he says, that amusement creeping back into his voice. “You could go in a stone suit, because the couple obviously turned into stone at the end of the story. But we had to scrap that idea because moving in stone pants would be pretty difficult. Another version would be to go completely naked, I’m sure someone will do that on the red carpet. Because the exhibition involves a lot of very old, very fragile pieces that can’t be worn so that’s an interesting way to interpret it.” In the end, the tuxedo seemed the least extreme. “It helps to wear something that you’re very comfortable in. An emotional support outfit.”

His own style has always been understated and classic – and he doesn't like to buy an entirely new tux every time he attends a red carpet, never to wear it again. “The Met Gala is fun because it’s the only time of the year in which I have several fittings and wear something that’s tailor-made to me,” he says. “Normally, I have a couple of suits, one being my Calvin Klein suit from 10 years ago. I usually wear that to events. I don’t want [the situation to be that] every time you’re on the red carpet, you have to wear something new and then never wear it again. I think we consume enough in our society, that’s not something I’d want to promote or endorse.”

Despite the fact his own style is mostly understated, his favourite clothing item isn't understated at all. And he's wearing them right now: his Infinity Pool shorts, merch based on the Brandon Cronenberg film he appeared in last year. It's an insane film, one in which he plays a complicated, wildly hedonistic novelist. “They did some rare limited edition clothing and they gave me a pair of shorts and I love them. I wear them all the time. I have mixed feelings because it says ‘Infinity Pool’ all over my ass and the front is a profile of my face in neon as it's being scanned. It feels very narcissistic to walk around with a pair of shorts with the name of a movie you're in on your ass, and the front is your own face, but fortunately you can't really tell.”

Skarsgård won't be partying into the night post Met Gala. Sure, he'll go to a few post-gala events, but he needs to get some sleep. He'll be flying to Toronto first thing in the morning, where he's filming The Murderbot Diaries, a new sci-fi action comedy series with Apple TV+. “I play an android who has hacked his system so he’s got – or it’s got – free will, and it’s talking about going on these crazy adventures, but instead it’s watching soap operas,” he says.

“It’s been a blast for the last couple of months. I’m sure I’ll be tired going to Toronto tomorrow, but I am looking forward to it.”

[sofipitch]

I can't stop thinking about how well they portrayed Louis in the show. I think the change in race also really helped solidify the "vampire with a human soul" part of his character. Bare with me for what I mean by this; a lot of readers of the book tend to "not get Louis" and this was especially true of the movie, even AR said where it just seems like Louis is being annoying and whiny, go be a fun vampire. But Louis main conflict is that becoming a vampire changed nothing about him internally. The issues he has, primarily a concern with consumption and damnation don't go away. Louis is afraid of sin and also his own desires for indulgence. To some readers this may seem abstract, but they are often clear metaphors for being gay or alcoholism, Louis is very concerned with regulation, and not because he has any issues with drinking blood but more with how he is judged. He is very concerned about being seen as a monster (see Babette and portrait painter scenes). His big fight with Paul is also about Paul telling Louis that their family wasn't being holy enough. You can quickly see how Paul saying that they need to change their entire lifestyle is a judgement on Louis, the head of the household. Louis also said that he didn't want to believe his brother could have been visited by saints, bc it would be proof his brother is somehow a better person than him. Louis's internal conflict is often easily summarized by his Catholic guilt, which again can be abstract to audiences who have never experienced internalized homophobia or just a large sense of shame/feeling you are being watched

Anyways, why is the change in race smart, it's another way we can see Louis continues to be human governed by human rules, despite being a vampire. We can see it very clearly in how he is treated by society in the show, he is still treated as "lesser". Lestat thinks Louis should be above such things because he is a vampire, and while being gay and being an alcoholic are to some degree things you can hide, Louis's race is not. The opera being the last scene in Ep 2 where the schism between Louis and Lestat begins to get worse, is also where Louis has to act like Lestat's valet in public. If they were both gay white men they could at least act as equals, friends business partners, whatever. But even Lestat "we are above society" has to go through with this act but is notably not upset by it while Louis is. So to audiences that didn't get his issues, Louis desire to basically just be "normal", not an alcoholic, not of a sexuality that would be remarked upon, (while both real these two in the books are not shown overtly and exist in Louis's fear of damnation, which is still fear of judgement by others, but it isn't something that has a scene of a random accosting him in the street, it's more a persistent fear in his head, in the show they showed both these more overtly in the confession scene and the police officers in their home) not of a race treated as inferior, not having to act up his masculinity, by mixing all of those together at least one should make you GET it. I think even Jacob Anderson said it in the podcast that Louis really just wants to have a domestic family life like anyone else, and in the book while it is glossed over Louis says the time he spent being happy was that domestic family life. He just wants to be loved and not judged

In a lot of ways vampirism should suit Louis, and the book IWTV often romanticizes Louis pouncing on his prey from dark corners of the street. And that is what fits Louis the best, the desire to be left alone to be himself

[skrunksthatwunk]

man i think part of what fucks me up (/pos) about the wedding scene (klk) is how well it conveys that the fantasy junketsu puts on ryuko is not a romantic one.

like i think it would've been really easy to make it about her wanting to find a man who could take care of things for her or love her unconditionally and when mako busts her out the message is You Don't Need A Man! You're A Strong Independent Woman!! or something (which is a perfectly fine message btw. i bring it up because i suspect that's how some people read it, especially those who see ryuko as straight, in an utena-hetero-girlboss way (yes i HAVE encountered that reading before. head in my hands)). maybe there's a montage of the groom and her at romantic milestones (confession, proposal, dates, moving in, whatever), and mako busts in while they're exchanging rings or leaning in for a kiss or something. they could have done that.

but the show puts SO little focus on the groom, to the point of emphasizing his facelessness and lack of relevance to the fantasy and its appeal (see the door handle knocking him over and ryuko not noticing, too busy looking at mako), that i think it's impossible to read it that way. and that's great bc what's actually there is so much more interesting and thematically relevant.

ryuko wants a normal childhood with a mom who loves her and spends time with her doing typical family stuff, who sticks with her as she grows up. the fantasy is of a normal development and family structure, of assimilation into a typical path of life for a woman, with its typical milestones. that includes getting married to a man. the fantasy is being naturally what society wants her to be, what will allow her to connect most easily to others within it. she's always butted heads with others, never fitting in for reasons she can't really understand, or often because she thinks the rules themselves are stupid. that came with isolation. loneliness.

the fantasy of junketsu's wedding is of conformity. it is also of conformity without effort, without awareness.

she doesn't want to force herself to fit in, because she knows that feels like shit. she wants it to be seamless. second nature. that's what junketsu appeals to. not the fantasy of pretending to be straight or becoming straight, but simply being straight.

(if it isn't clear by now, i view ryuko as a lesbian. this scene is a big part of why.)

it's ryuko pretending to be (and to always have been) something that will never cause her trouble, that will never alienate her. (or junketsu making her pretend that, though i think it caters to a lingering insecurity of ryuko's, that lack of stability, connection, and conformity in her real life).

it's also part of why mako and senketsu's rescue is not about mako being the right one for ryuko, but about ryuko's identity. her core state of being. who she is as a person.

(personally i read ryuko and mako as romantic (and i believe the show does as well, hence, y'know, the date and the mako hallelujah imagery during her asking her out and mako hitting on her and and and. sorry but however you feel about them as a ship they are definitively canon), and the scene does have romantic appeal/a romantic angle to it. but i think that romance comes from mako understanding ryuko deeply, and from calling her back into the person she is, rather than the person she could have been were she to have lived a Completely Different Life, and showing her that she has community and companionship even without this. she can be part of a group without doing all this shit. she doesn't have to fight alone, and this wedding business isn't the only way out of that loneliness. it's a gesture of love and concern for her as a person, one that comes from senketsu and mako together, the people who love her the most.)

ragyo wants conformity. she is a fascist. she wants everybody to wear the same clothes, to be in their proper place in society, and to submit to those who have rightful power over them. A hierarchy with life fibers at the top and humans at the bottom. ragyo designs and distributes the roles (clothes) people ought to wear, talks about clothes that don't suit people, etc. she wants ryuko to conform like she is, and like she has. a feelingless marriage to some man for what she can get from him. fitting in. she wants to have daughters that fit in. she wants to fit in. she wants to fit in because she's fetishized her place above other humans (pigs in human clothing, in roles unbefitting their pig status), her place under life fibers.

it has nothing to do with love, so ragyo doesn't even bother with it. nor does junketsu. even though the guise of love could be a powerful aide here, the staff chose to leave the message unmuddied. it is about conformity.

for ryuko to fulfill this fantasy, she would have had to be a completely different person, with a completely different life.

ryuko could not be ryuko and still wear that wedding dress. so she tore it off to be herself again (something she'd been lamenting/resisting since finding out she was "a goddamned life fiber monster" shortly before getting put in junketsu).

also note that satsuki used this wedding dress for her own aims as well, though she is lucid through it. it pains her. it's a role she takes on to fight against ragyo (fire with fire). but she says she realizes she couldn't win using others like pawns. she couldn't win from inside the hierarchy, the establishment. she couldn't win using a groom and a dress for her own inauthentic reasons, nor using that clout to climb the ranks of something that was wholly rotten just to get closer to ragyo. the whole tree must be felled.

anyway

[destinysbounty]

Not sure if this counts, but how do you explain the ninjas ages? How are they teachers but also like 16? I always love hearing people's thoughts on this

For a while now I've been entertaining a headcanon that I think would perfectly explain this in a way that makes sense. Note that this is just a circumstantial theory with no explicit basis in canon, so feel free to take it or leave it as you see fit.

Okay, so. To understand the teacher situation (as well as my theories for why Ninjago's education system is fucked to hell and back), we first have to talk about the Serpentine War for a sec. Bare with me, I promise this will make sense.

This seems like a no-brainer, but a war requires people to actually, yknow, fight in it. Which means large demographics of people have to leave their homes, families, jobs, and communities. Naturally, this forces the ones they've left behind to compensate for the economic deficit caused by their absence. Anyone familiar with American history could tell you that this happened to the US during WWII - as swathes of men shipped off overseas to fight in the war, women back home had to take charge of the economy and participate more actively in the workforce.

I think it goes without saying that this kind of situation probably happened to Ninjago during the Serpentine War. But the thing is, we know women fought in the war stood at the front lines alongside the men - we've seen them. So if that's the case, then who stepped up to help run the economy while Mommy and Daddy were away?

I think you can guess where I'm going with this.

That's right. With so many people leaving to fight in the War (and also dying from Serpentine raids), I don't think it's unreasonable to conclude that some subset of kids and teens had to step up to the plate and take up some of the vacancies their parents had left behind. Obviously I'm not saying all the adults were gone, but it was enough to warrant kids entering the workforce prematurely.

And of course, if kids are getting jobs at younger ages, then I think it's valid to extrapolate that to teacher positions as well.

As you can imagine, this shift created a few new social precedents: 1) expectations for kids, especially teens, to get jobs and become mature at younger ages was normalized; and 2) requirements for certain careers, including education, became much more lenient.

This labor expectation imposed on older kids and teens would actually explain a lot more than just the s3 teacher situation, when you think about it.

Not only are unqualified teens allowed to become teachers, but also undead skeleton warriors from the Underworld (see s1ep4). I'm sorry, but you can't convince me that Kruncha and Nuckal are licensed educators.

The existence of Darkley's, and how it was able to exist for so long without any kind of administrative intervention. The education system is in shambles, and it's because Ninjago's infrastructure never fully recovered from the Serpentine War.

Disparities and gaps in people's historical/world knowledge. No one knows shit about anything. Because again, the education system in in shambles. (If you doubt the validity of this point, let me just remind you I'm from the US. I once met a college student who didn't know what 'north' was.)

The existence of the Paper Boys - how they can devote what seem to be entire workdays to an extremely dangerous job, with minimal adult oversight (if any).

The entirety of Ninjago society seems totally chill with the fact that their saviors are a bunch of kids. To them this isn't cause for concern or even distrust in the ninjas' capability, it's just the norm!

In s15, Lloyd was able to get a job, presumably without a high school diploma or GED of some kind. Or, yknow, any formal education past grade 3 (although we know from supplemental material that he did get some kind of tutoring from the ninja, so this point is debatable).

If some kind of in-universe CPS equivalent exists, then they certainly don't do anything. No one has ever reported or raised issue with Lloyd being homeless, Cole also being homeless for a while, the ninja not being in school, Kai and Nya being parent-free since the ages of ~6 and 3 respectively, and other such things that would ordinarily be cause for alarm.

While there is canon evidence that Kai and Nya received some degree of aid from their community, especially when they were younger, this seems to be completely absent by the time the series begins. Perhaps the community's assistance began to withdraw over time as the siblings faced increasing expectations to become self-sufficient despite still being children. Like, "you're 10 years old now, Kai, it's time for you to start pulling your weight and taking care of the shop by yourself. You need to grow up."

If we approach Ninjago's worldbuilding from this context, suddenly the teacher arc becomes less of a plothole and more...depressing, tbh.

And in a weird way, this interpretation actually fits in nicely with Ninjago's themes of generational trauma. Think about it. Society was damaged by the Serpentine War. And because they never really healed from what happened, the kids of future generations continue to face the normalization of their childhoods gradually being ripped away from them before they're ready. Kinda like kids in a broken home taking on adult responsibilities to cover the slack. Kinda like Cole handling house chores while his father grieved away from home. Kina like Kai and Nya running the shop while their parents were gone.

And everyone is just...used to it. The only times in all 15 seasons that anyone stakes a complaint about this system are in seasons 1-2 when Lloyd was a little child, in season 8 when Harumi was ridiculing the ninja, and in season 15 when Wu refused to lead the Paper Boys into battle.

(I do think it's worth noting that young children are still regarded as kids, of course, as seen with how the ninja were treated when they got de-aged. But this isn't really a refutation of my argument, as much as it is a clue to help us identify society's cutoff for childhood innocence.)

Again, it's more of a circumstantial theory than anything based in fact. So you're free to dispute it as you like. But you have to admit it would explain a lot, wouldn't it?

Anyway, that was...a lot longer than I was expecting it to be. Damn. I'm beginning to think that's gonna be a running theme with these theory posts.

Thanks for the ask! <3

[mixsethaddams]

Eddie didn’t believe in New Year’s resolutions. 

As far as he was concerned, new year, same him. You don’t like it? Choke. 

He made no bones about telling people that, either. Every year when someone asked ‘So what’s your resolution?’ he was quick to launch into a rant about the pressures of society to improve and fit into being more ‘normal’. He’d sneer and whine until whoever was caught in the crosshairs was able to slink away. 

Enter Steve Harrington. 

Eddie was enamoured by Steve and all his superstitions. Steve never walked under a ladder, freaked out if he thought a mirror was broken, and even had a fake rabbit’s foot on his keys. Eddie caught himself counting a flock of magpies outside the trailer one day, trying to remember the dumb little rhyme Steve always rattled off when he waved to them. 

One for sorrow, two for joy, three for a girl, four for a boy....

Eddie thought he must be really down bad for Steve if he was entertaining the idea of some random birds telling the future. 

It was New Year’s Eve and Eddie was sitting in the Harrington living room with the rest of the party. He watched as Steve opened up some windows and placed lit a candle on the main windowsill. When he joined him at the window to ask about it, Eddie was surprised to learn that not only was it a superstition, but Steve was carrying on an old family tradition. Steve explained all about the origins of the candle, how it originally stood for hoping for a priest to visit to bless the house, and how it had morphed over time into being a welcoming light to bring the household into the new year. 

“I open up the front and back door at midnight too, let the old year out and the new one in, you know?”

Eddie didn’t know, he had never had any superstitions, but he nodded anyway.

“Plus getting it all set up gives me time to think over my resolution,” said Steve, looking out the window.

Eddie swallowed hard. His mouth opened to spew his usual spiel about resolutions, but he practically bit his tongue to stop himself. 

“I’m thinking about finding a new hobby this year,” Steve continued. “Maybe I should pick up a guitar, see if I can give you a run for your money,”

Steve’s soft smile made Eddie’s ears tingle.

“How about you, Eds?” asked Steve. “Any resolutions?”

Eddie’s eyes widened as he scrambled for a response. Fuck fuck fuck the one time he needed to think of one and he had nothing.

“Uh, actually, I uh, I was thinking about getting into teaching,” said Eddie, the gears in his head finally cranking up. “So I guess, you know, if you did want to learn to play, I uh, I could help,”

Eddie bit his lip and hoped Steve wouldn’t see right through him. 

Steve put his hands in his pockets and gently bumped his shoe off Eddie’s.

“I’d like that,” he said. 

And just like that, Eddie had his first ever new year’s resolution. He wasn’t even mad about it. 

[lolitakirstein]

Hey Neighbor part 14

A/N Thank you all for the continued support as I have been on hiatus due to some mental health issues. it means the world. As a thanks I'm posting this quick chapter. it's short, but I hope it whets your appetite a bit as I get back into writing more regularly.

Leave a like on AO3

Chapter 14

“Are you sure you are alright?” Shiu repeats the question for the tenth time. And for the tenth time, you nod as you sit on your couch, nursing a glass of water he had offered you after you had come to.

Bits and pieces of what had led up to your collapse start to clear up in your mind: Connor coming to your house, seeming to wish to overpower you in some way with his words, Shiu aiming a gun at his head. Why Connor had come to your house, you still didn’t know. 

Shiu registers the confusion on your face, that you are lost in thought, and attempts to reel you back to reality. “I got your voicemail. I’m sorry I didn’t answer. I was on my way to the airport with Toji and I—”

“Is he here? Is he ok?” you blurt out, hoping that somehow Toji was still within the area. Safe.

“He’s on a business trip, dear. But he’s fine,” Shiu assures.

You slump your shoulder, disappointed. You wish he were here. Both for protection and support. You wish it could go back to what is what before this stupid letter got passed to you. Oblivious to the double life Toji–and your grandmother– were living, enjoying his company and Megumi’s sweet voice greeting you—

“Where’s Megumi?!” you gasp. You have been so entangled with your drama and Toji that you forgot about Megumi. You don’t remember seeing him the night before when Toji had come by and you don’t remember seeing him in the car this morning with him and Shiu. Dread shivers down your spine along with guilt. 

Shiu lifts a hand to settle you, “He is fine as well. Up at my estate within the community, doing his school work well, though he doesn’t like the other children there. Claims they aren’t fun and ‘clean’” He chuckles. “Living outside our network has turned him into a regular kid I guess.”

“You sound disappointed that he wants to be a normal kid,” you murmur.

“He wasn’t meant to be regular. He’s the son of one the most notorious assassins’ of the past 2 decades.” And there it was. That word: assassin . The deadly weight that comes with such a title causes you to cower more on the couch. 

“So you want him to…” you refuse to finish the sentence. To connect that sweet, innocent boy with such a harsh word. 

“It doesn’t matter what I want,” Shiu huffs a breath, a defeated look on his face. 

“What does Toji want?” 

He sighs and drags a hand down his face. “Toji wants him to be an ordinary child with an ordinary childhood and ordinary ambitions.”

“So? Seems like a safe and happy childhood”

“He would be safer within the Society walls.” Shiu snaps. 

“What the fuck is this society you all keep saying?” you snap back. “Are you running some sort of cult raising child killers?”

“The Society of Keres has been a home for some of the most infamous killers and spies in history. We are a family of honor and duty to carry on the bloodline.”

“Sounds like a cult.” you snark.

“We don’t rely on religion nor do we promise a glorious afterlife. It’s not something one can join or be recruited for. All of which a cult uses to amass its followers.” 

“Where does Toji fit it there? And my grandmother?” you pause as a more daunting question bubbles up. “Where the fuck do I fit into all of this?”

Shiu shakes his head, sighing, then joins you on the couch. “Might take a while.”

“I got time.” Finally, some answers. 

“In that case,” Shiu pops a cigarette into his mouth. “May I smoke?

10 cigarettes later, Shiu finally stubs out the last in his pack. The sun has fallen behind the trees, leaving the living room in a golden glow. 

“So, my grandmother left the Society and they killed my parents in return? Why did they never tell me? My dad at least? Did my mom ever know?” you couldn’t stop the onslaught of new questions. 

Shiu holds up his hands, signaling for you to slow down. “Your father ran away from the Society after he met your mother at 19. Both were desperate to run away from the Society. They escaped, hid, and had you. He sent letters to your grandmother and pictures. I assume it saddened her to be aging alone without her family. She fought to leave, attempting what she thought was a safer route and asking permission to resign, the high-ups warned her it was a betrayal, but she didn’t care. 

“Your parents were a unique pair. Your father excelled at executions while your mother was intelligent and could hack the most sophisticated computers and infiltrate security cameras in record time. With those strengths, they were able to reenter and retrieve your grandmother. She hid well,” he looks around the house, then sighs. “Sadly, as time went on and better methods of locating people came in, she was found, and as you know, after leaving here on Christmas they..--” 

You hold up your hand, “I get it.”

Not really. But the amount of information was becoming overwhelming. It all boiled down to 3 points.

Your parents had also belonged to this circus

Them along with your grandmother, escaped.

The death of your parents was in retaliation. 

“Why didn’t they just kill her?” you ask. 

 “They sent someone to do it, but—” Shiu looks at his clasped hands. Waiting for a beat before continuing. “As he said, he couldn’t kill someone that was like his own mother. He himself had lost his parents young, basically orphaned. Your grandmother took him in, taught him—”

“Wow, what a fucking saint,” you clip sarcastically. “Don’t start trying to make me feel sympathy for some bloodthirsty piece of shit sent to my grandmother's doorstep.”

“That bloodthirsty piece of shit has been protecting you ever since you moved in,” Shiu shouts. The sound echoed through the room. 

“Toji– he was,” you sputter as the realization finally hits you.

“Sent to kill your grandmother, yes.” he finishes.

[claireverything]

feeling "locked out of life": fitting into the working world as a 12th house psycho

_________________________________________________________

In response to my post asking for requests, I got a question from someone asking:

"I have several questions but I'll start with asking can you see visual snow? Also I live home with my parents and it's like the universe makes it impossible for me to fit in anywhere especially enough to find a job. Have you ever felt locked out of life? Do you use your gifts to earn you money?"

__________________________________________________________

Hi, thank you for your question 🖤. Here's my answer:

I basically lived at home up until a few months ago, at 27, when I moved out on my own. I imagine it's quite a common thing for 12th house people to have to live with their families for a portion, or maybe all of their adult lives. We need the support. The burden of living and having a body weighs so heavily on us. Personally, it was killing me. I tried living on my own at 23 and I was so unhealthy. I was skinny as hell because the burden of eating was just too much. And yes, like you, I also couldn't fit into the mould of having a job like everyone else. I ended up moving into my family home cause of covid in 2020 and that saved my life. Living with my family during my 20's has helped me so much. It gave me the space to heal things I never would've been able to heal while pretending to fit into mainstream society and trying to live independently from 18/22.

Don't feel bad about not being able to find a job. That's been one of the plagues of my existence in my (short) adult life. Up until like, last week, I couldn't find a paid job that didn't make me feel like I wanted to k*ll myself. And what was equally frustrating was that I couldn't explain that to anyone; that even the concept of working and the way employment and making money works in this world violently repelled me. The employment system is so entrenched in pain and suffering and low self-worth that it's so hard to have that kind of a conversation with people. Most people with a job have already sold their soul - maybe even years or decades ago - so they can't understand why you can't do that as well. They've normalized giving your entire life force to a system that gives you nothing but money back. And don't get me wrong, money is great and necessary for life on this planet. But it's not everything, and I think 12th housers know that deep in their soul. In our very being we know that we cannot live from fear. We cannot give into fear. Because that's what selling your soul to a job is about. Because of fear of not having money and fear of the unknown; because of a fear of lack of security, you are willing to do almost anything to be given that security. Even a job that you don't feel seen in at all.

Let me tell you, I have worked office jobs that I don't feel seen in at all and they made me miserable. They were so draining and the whole 8 hours I was there, all I could think about was getting out. I would also feel this intense urge to smoke weed immediately after I got out for the day, which was also a terrible sign that that was not the right set up for me. You see, the problem with a job you don't feel seen in is that, it's your life. A full-time job takes up so much of your time that it more or less becomes how you live your life. When I realized that early in my working career, I realized oh shit. so the question I need to be asking myself is "how do I want to spend my days?" "what kind of things do I want to be doing?". From then I started paying attention to how I naturally spend my days. And I realized I spend most of my time in sweatpants/lounge wear/comfy clothes, at home. So I decided I want to be able to work from home.

This is a really good way to spend your time if you are blessed to live with family or people who can provide for you financially. Or if you are blessed to have a period of time living far from mainstream society so you can know who you are outside of the matrix. Cause you are not the matrix. You are not the system. You are not the way Life has been presented to you by society. You are something other than that. But reading this on a tumblr post is not enough. You have to know that in your being; you have to embody that knowing and find in your own words and your own sense what you are, and then you will know what to do. Then you will know what job to work or how to acquire the resources you need to sustain your life and keep you on Mission. There are many ways. Making money through employment is only one of them.

After 5 years not formally working, I got back into mainstream employment last week. I'm currently working part-time as a teaching assistant at a school for students with severe learning difficulties. I can't say much about the job cause I've only done two days. But I will say that it has taken a lot of inner work to get here. Over those 5 years living at home with my family, I was healing, cultivating and protecting my self-worth more than anything. That's the most important thing you can do for yourself as a 12th house person "locked out of life", as the question states. Yes, you may be locked out of mainstream life. But know that is for a purpose. I know it probably doesn't feel like everything is okay, and you are right where you need to be, but you are. You are right where you need to be. You are locked out of life because your isolation is powerful. Your fringe position is powerful. You being on the very edge of society, staring into the abyss, is powerful. There are some things that only those who are okay with being alone can do. And when you think about how many people genuinely cannot sustain solitude - how many people need the validation and backing of another person to do, think or feel anything, you will understand the power I am communicating through that statement.

I can't tell you how to get out. I can only try to comfort you in your pain and your fear and your discomfort. It's okay to be scared, and it's okay to be uncomfortable. The 12th house experience is about generating comfort in discomfort. You are loved, you are beautiful, and you're so much more valuable than you may realize. Do what you need to do to feel worthy and loveable and good about yourself everyday. Follow the right people. Do more of what makes you feel good about yourself and less of what doesn't. You will find your way out eventually. That I know.

Oh and lastly: do I use my gifts to earn me money? That is definitely the goal. I am also currently doing a masters in marriage and family therapy, so the goal is to be a therapist in my 30's and make money through therapy sessions with clients, couples and families. I also definitely want to run my own business so I can work in a way that honours my sensitivity. (I also have Mars and Lilith in the 10th, so I don't do well with authority. I'm my own boss). I want to sell personal development/healing courses, packages and maybe workshops online and promote through Youtube primarily. Because I have 10H leo placements, a part of me does enjoy showcasing for an audience, so this can work for me. However, these are all plans for my 30s and beyond. I just turned 28 last week, and my saturn return is gearing up to teach me how to be in the world as the mystic and occultist that I am (my saturn is in the 6th). So I am humbly honouring this part of the journey and stepping back into the mainstream world, being very much aware that I am in it, but not of it.

The takeaway here is to know yourself. Know your chart well, know your placements well, know yourself better than anyone else can ever know you. Know yourself so well; the good and the bad, that you are no longer making sense of yourself through how other people see you (whether they love you or hate you). That is the purpose of the 12th house person. Once you know yourself that well, then you will know what to do.

P.S. I'm not sure what you meant by "visual snow". Please explain that more, and then I may be able to speak on that. Thank you 🖤

[kaigarax]

Sometimes, All I Think About Is You

Satoru Gojo x Reader

Quote: "Openly fall in love."

First Encounters

The first time Satoru Gojo sees you is when the two of you are just kids. He’s a boy just about to attend Eton Academy and you’re a young girl who’s just begun to learn the difference between men and women.

Satoru’s parents, citing his lack of friends (his only friend being the young stable boy around his age) and hoping to acquaint him with some ‘proper’ company. Whatever that’s supposed to mean. So, being the ever doting parents that the Gojo’s claim to be they set up a playdate with the family of the viscounts that live close by.

A family of six, if Satoru isn’t mistaken.

The Viscount and his wife, two twin boys around his age and two girls about five and seven years younger respectively.

Satoru finds your older brothers awfully boring. One of them, Satoru thinks, certainly has to be the dumbest person he’s ever met and the other is the most aloof. Such a pair that Satoru is almost a little worried about what might happen next to the Viscount's family in the future and he rarely ever cares about others.

Satoru doesn’t try very hard to get along with the two boys. He lets them show him around briefly, he even plays a couple of games of croquet before disappearing into the manner with the excuse of looking for the bathroom. With any luck, the two of them might forget about him long enough for the remainder of this horrible playdate to end and he can finally leave.

Truth be told, Satoru has always been a little different from the other people around him. Always seen the world a little differently from everyone else. It was almost as if everyone else stumbled around in a world of black and white while he was the only one that could see in colour. The only person who ever came close to understanding him was Suguru Geto, the stable boy and son of his family’s butler. And while it was frowned upon to make friends with the ‘help’ it would be the first time that Satoru could just be… himself.

The young boy could barely even find it within himself to feel bad as he abandoned your twin brother to wander the house. Sure, he’d been given a tour earlier but that had mostly been a quick look around. Satoru hadn’t gotten the chance to actually look at things in the detail that he wanted to.

His eyes wandered from the old curtains, which oddly reminded Satoru of his mother’s dresses, to the long line of photos left to hang up on the wall. Family portraits, Satoru thinks. All the people look vaguely familiar to one another with a familiar resemblance in the eyes and smiles. Satoru’s own family had something similar though the paintings are ones of the patriarch rather than of the entire family.

“It took the painter three weeks to paint that one.” You say.

Satoru isn’t surprised, he had heard you come in, but he feigns surprise. Suguru had told him that it was better to pretend to act normal around other people if he wanted them to like him. He had always found that annoying and pretentious but he would do what he had to in polite society. Especially if it meant he wouldn’t have to hear another lecture from his parents.

You look to be a couple years younger than Satoru as he turns to look at you. Five years give or take one or two in either direction. You’re a small thing, well small compared to him. You’re draped in a cool summer dress while Satoru personally thinks that spring is much too early. There also happens to be pins attached at the edges of the dress reminding him of his own fitting session that he would have to attend later on in the week.

Satoru hates attending fitting sessions. Doesn't see why he always needs to be wearing clothes that fit perfectly, especially because he seems to need to head there at least once every two months now that he’s begun growing. He doesn’t see why he can’t just wear clothes that are a little too big or too small for a little while like Suguru.

You take a step towards him, your eyes never lingering too long on him. Satoru’s always being scolded by his mother for staring at one thing for too long or not keeping eye contact long enough but you seem to have mastered the timing of the gaze perfectly. It’s both polite and respectful.

It absolutely infuriates Satoru.

You regard him with a calm expression that has him forgetting that you’re the younger of the two.

“I see you’ve abandoned the company of my brother.” You state.

Satoru points his nose up, “what of it?”

“It was merely an observation. I meant no harm.”

He then scrunches his face up as he leans down to stare at you. He has to lean down quite far considering you’re short. Though, admittedly you are five years younger than him and he’s tall for his age.

He notices that you’re holding a book behind your back fiddling around the edges of the page self consciously. Satoru had never been a big fan of reading, especially when he was around your age. He’d rather be outside play-wrestling with Suguru or doing some other physical activity or sport. He’d always been very good at physical things.

Admittedly, Satoru thinks you're pretty. Much better looking than your two brothers. So much so that he briefly wonders if the three of you are even related in the first place. If not for the same shape of the eyes, Satoru would have been certain that you were merely children that lived in the same house instead of siblings.

He still thinks that might be the case.

You’ll probably be pretty when you grow up. Perhaps not nearly as pretty as his mother but he’s certain you’ll be… charming? Well, at the very least you won’t be ugly. Especially if you end up taking after your mother. Satoru never really cared much for how pretty other people are but he has always considered himself a good judge.

Finally, Satoru pulls away, “you’re annoying.”

“If you’re attempting to insult me you’re going to have to try a little harder,” you say, a teasing smile playing at the corners of your lips, “I have two older brothers.”

“And you’re weird.” Huffed Satoru.

Your calm smile turns from calm to amused, “so are you.” Your lips move up more and your eyes seem to linger for just a moment longer on Satoru’s own.

Satoru’s jaw is dropped before he can even realise that it has. Not only is it the first time someone has so brazenly insulted him (not including Suguru) but it’s both the first time a woman (girl) has insulted him and someone younger than him has dared to treat him as an equal. Even most adults didn’t have the guts to bring themselves up to Satoru’s level unless they too stood in the same position as his parents.

But you.

Annoying and weird you are standing there in front of him as if you’re friends joking about a funny joke you just told. Perhaps you do think it’s a joke - which would only further prove to Satoru that you’re weird.

An older woman (likely your Nurse) runs into the room, her expression worried. She quickly bows to Satoru, “sorry, My Lord. The little missy here seems to have a mind of her own most of the time.” She turns to you with a harsh look, “did you say anything to insult the young Lord?”

Satoru expects you to roll your eyes or look away like any normal child would do. Thought maybe you might’ve stomped away angrily or made a face at him when your Nurse wasn’t looking.

Instead, your eyes soften and you smile fondly at your nurse, “I wasn’t on my best behaviour,” you calmly admitted.

Your Nurse sighs as she continues to reprimand you.

Satoru, on the other hand, is left a little shocked and speechless. He isn’t quite sure what happened but the wheels in his hand do begin turning and his heart starts to beat a little faster. He wonders if you can see the colours too.

---

A Conversation

Satoru Gojo comes to the conclusion that, after a while of getting to know you, yes you do see colours just not in the same way that he does. Your skills lie not in a brilliant way to dissect numbers nor demonstrate the ability to memorize new information or pick up skills at the drop of a hat like how he can but there’s nothing about you that can be considered ordinary either.

He heads over to your house at least once a week for the next two years. Not because he wants to, of course, but because his parents have stopped with the lectures about not hanging out with Suguru when he gives into their wishes and spends time at your house. And, sure, your older brother is awfully boring and dull but it gives him the chance to get to know you better. The strangely entertaining and endearing little girl who’s intelligence rivals his own.

It sucks that you don’t actually ever linger around when Satoru is there. You obediently listen to your brothers when they ask you to head elsewhere and you rarely ever spare Satoru a second glance unless Satoru goes out to seek you himself; and even you refuse to spend time with him unless he’s entertaining your brothers.

He notices that you’re an avid reader, always holding a new text in your hand every week. Satoru just knows that his parents wish that they had a child like you. So obedient to your elders and caretakers. So well mannered and thoughtful plus you seem intelligent and well read. He bets that you would have been named heir over your two older brothers if you too had been born a man.

You’re so mature for your age and perhaps that is what Satoru likes about you best.

He doesn’t have to go out of his way to entertain you or have to explain himself when he says something strange or different.

It simply just is.

It takes Satoru exactly two years to figure out why exactly he likes you so much. To come to all those conclusions above and finally get close enough to you that the two of you can consider one another as friends. It’s unfortunate that by then his visits stop as he begins school at Eton’s Academy for Boys. Higher education where any worth a damn in high society attends.

It sucks that he won’t be able to see you much anymore but what can Satoru do against the adamant wishes of his parents?

At least Suguru will be attending with him.

Suguru isn’t you but he’s one of the only people that actually understand him so it won’t be that bad.

You make his heart race and his stomach feel all fuzzy.

But it isn’t until several years later, when you’re a debutant freshly minted and prepared for your first season, that Satoru realises why.

It had been years since he’d last seen you.

Obviously, he knew that you were going to change. People always changed, both physically and mentally, but he just wasn’t ready for how different you looked. Hadn’t been as prepared for the change as he thought he was.

He’d always known that you would grow up to be pretty but this pretty? It wasn’t what he had been expecting.

Everyone’s eyes are drawn to you.

He knows that you must be the diamond of the season. It would simply be a crime not to. In fact, Satoru himself would march right up to the Queen himself and demand an explanation as to why you were not named the diamond.

Satoru floats through conversations, half of his attention on the conversation at hand and the other half wishing he was speaking to you. You always know the right thing to say to make him smile and he never has to bend over backwards trying to charm you. He knows you already like him exactly as he is. Flaws and all.

It’s unfortunate that his conversation with you ends almost as quickly as it begins.

You’re quickly swept away by some other gentlemen - your dance card full of potential suitors.

It annoys Satoru greatly though he isn’t quite sure why. Obviously, Satoru knows that he enjoys your company and he likes being around you so he’s angry that other people are taking your attention… right? That’s the reason. What else could it be?

Satoru’s thoughts were interrupted with a sharp elbow to his side as he exclaimed quietly, “hey!”

“You were pouting.” Suguru says.

“Was not.”

“Oh, you definitely were.”

Satoru grumbles to himself, annoyed.

Suguru chuckles quietly in response.

“What do you think of (Y/n)?” Satoru asked suddenly.

Suguru ponders briefly, “she’s a little like you.”

“Really?” Satoru raises a brow curiously, “I personally thought she was more like you.”

“How so?”

“She’s good at understanding other people and she cares an awful lot more about what other people think about her than she lets on.”

Suguru hums thoughtfully, “everyone cares about what everyone thinks.”

“I don’t.”

“That’s because you’re weird.”

“Hey!”

“It’s true,” Suguru gives Satoru a closed eye smile, “you’re weird but not super weird. A little weird.”

Satoru rolls his eyes, “like that’s so much better.”

“Let me put it this way,” Suguru explains, “you don’t care about what everyone thinks but you care about the thoughts of people that are important to you.”

“Isn’t that how everyone should think.”

“Oh, most certainly.”

Satoru knows that Suguru is mostly just entertaining him at this point. His words always have some hidden meaning to them (that Satoru is usually too lazy to dissect) but there are points when he simply says something to entertain Satoru. Suguru has always been thoughtful like that; it’s one of the reasons why Satoru has always liked him so much.

He thinks that that might be why he likes you too.

You make his heart race and his stomach feel all fuzzy.

But it isn’t until several years later, when you’re a debutant freshly minted and prepared for your first season, that Satoru realises why.

---

The Moment

Satoru is surprised when he sees you sitting by yourself early one spring morning.

Staring off into the distance in the middle of a hill that floats down into a lake.

Fluffs of dandelion seeds float around haphazardly in the air. Almost like snowflakes amidst the cool spring air. The melodic chirping of birds fills the air, though Satoru personally has never been a fan. Many of his classmates had written poems about the birds before. Talking about flight and freedom alongside a musicality that comes so naturally to them compared to humans.

It’s unusual for women, especially young girls who are in search of a husband, to head outside by themselves where any man could just stumble upon them without a chaperone. Satoru bets that you had woken up bright and early just so that you might be able to have a moment alone.

He almost feels a little bad to intrude on your moment alone.

He imagines you don’t get very many.

But he approaches you nonetheless. His heart tugs him towards you much like how a child pulls their parents down the aisles of a candy store. Eager and excited.

“(Y/n)~” Satoru says your name sweetly, liking the way it flows off of his tongue so easily. Thinks that it tastes so much better than some of the sweetest things he’s whispered to others.

You don’t bother turning to look at him as you would have done if this had taken place in the presence of others, “My Lord.”

“Satoru.”

“You really do love saying your name,” you tease, as he takes a seat beside you. He makes a face as the bottom of his pants get wet from the damp grass upon contact. His usual reaction would have been to jump up and scowl. He usually hates any uncomfortable feeling and does anything he can to avoid any such sensations but forces himself to bear with it as your warm shoulder brushes against his own. Well the sleeve of your dress brushes up against the dress-shirt but this is close enough for him. Besides, his pants are already wet now so he can bear with it for a little longer.

The two of you stare off into the distance, staring at the lake.

Satoru notices that you’re still in your nightgown. It’s light and flowy, similar to the clothes you used to wear when you were young. Hot stuffy dresses are what’s most popular now in women’s fashion and being a proper lady of good origins you do your diligence in following the fashion trends. Strangely though, the thought of your subtle acts of rebellion bring a smile to his face. It’s so subtle and detached from the main parts of society yet so much louder than you’ll ever realise.

He bets that your mother would be furious if she found that you were outside and alone with an unmarried man. Furious if you came back with the bottom of your dress soaked from the morning dew and rain.

You probably don’t care though.

Your attention is much better spent on the lake in front of you. (Satoru personally thinks that your attention would be even better spent on him.)

He doesn’t bother to look at the lake he’s already seen hundreds of times in his life.

This is where he and Suguru used to play pirates. Where he’d first been tossed into the lake when the two of them were horsing around and where he had crawled out of angrily. Where he’d caught his first frog and made his first (mud) painting.

This was the lake of his childhood that he loved oh so dearly.

But right now, he found that he’d rather look at you.

The baby fat you had on your cheeks back before he had left for Eton is gone. It makes you look more mature. Less like the girl that made fun of him and more into the woman that would send light teases his way. Makes you seem less like the girl who always carried around picture books and into a young woman that reads intellectual novels that dive into the human.

He’s a little sad. He had quite a fondness for the young girl that managed to make him mad with the single raise of an eyebrow. It’s almost like the loss of someone important to him. Someone he didn’t know that he would miss as much and a version of you that he would never get to say goodbye to.

But, he finds that he has a fondness for the you that’s sitting beside him now.

He wouldn’t go as far as saying that he likes this version more than the young child you but he would admit that this version was much more… exciting to be around. Almost like a mystery that he was working to solve.

A smile pulls at his lips when he notices a book in your lap.

“What’re you reading?” Satoru asks, pointing to the book in your lap.

You brush the cover of the book gently, “Pride and Prejudice.”

“Suguru read that book once.”

“Have you?”

“No. Besides, Suguru said it was just a boring romance novel for women anyways. Says nothing that we don’t already know.”

You smile as you nudge him playfully, “do you let Lord Suguru’s opinions dictate all of your own decisions, My Lord?”

“No,” Satoru pouts, “but I’ve never liked reading much anyways. It’s easier to let him do the reading first. He knows what I do and don’t like. Besides, I don’t want to waste my time reading something I wouldn’t even like.”

Finally, you turn to look at him. To the untrained eye it would be a look of indifference. But to Satoru, your self proclaimed childhood best friend, your expression is one of amusement. From the way your eyes crinkle in the corners slightly to how you sit up more straight ever so slightly and the subtle twitch of your lips. Plus, the most obvious and dead give away to anything, your eyes. They look at him, lingering on his face for a moment longer than they linger on anyone else's as you respond with a soft, “and what do you like to read, My Lord?”

“Comedies usually.”

“Like?”

“Twelfth Night.”

You raise a brow delicately, “Shakesphere?”

Satoru places a hand on his chest, feigning offence, “are you implying that you think I wouldn’t like the works of one of the greatest writers and minds of our time?”

“Oh, I’d never, my Lord,” you eyes crinkle in the corners, “I was simply surprised. Most men I speak with prefer something more contemporary like Wordsworth or perhaps something practical and sensible like a book on agriculture or architecture. They consider things like Shakesphere to be mere entertainment.”

“So then are you implying that you think I have the taste of a woman?”

“And who would you consider yourself akin to then, my Lord? Duke Ceasiro?”

Satoru makes a face.

You chuckle softly in response, “you must admit, the two of you share a certain resemblance.”

“I am insulted on every level, (Y/n).”

“I’m sure you are.”

“I am!” Satoru exclaims, waving his arms above his head, “I am most like the honourable Sebastian.”

“Ah yes, Viola’s twin brother.”

Satoru nods.

“Well, he’s certainly an opportunist.”

“Would you not marry a beautiful woman that you just met and is seemingly in love with you?”

You hum softly as you ponder on the idea.

Satoru remembers how he had dragged Suguru to the play house that day. He had originally gone because there was a particular woman that he wanted to promenade with after but had actually found the show to be quite enjoyable. Suguru was absolutely furious with him but even he had a few chuckles at some moments.

“What was your favourite part about Twelfth Night?” You ask, leaning against him.

“The love triangle.”

“Well, it certainly isn’t the traditional kind of love triangle.”

“A true love triangle, I’d say.”

“The kind you’d like to find yourself in?” You tease.

Satoru shrugs in response.

From where Satoru sat he could see a small group of birds gathering around. They reminded him a bit of the Ton. So easily swept up into a single moment and conversation without much consideration about the world around them. Much thought and consideration is never put into everything else that this world has to offer.

“What kind of stuff do you like to read?” Satoru asks.

You smile, “you mean apart from the book in my hand?” Satoru can tell from the way you lean back away from him with a gleam in your eyes that you’re teasing him.

So he decides to tease you back.

He leans in towards you with a grin, “you and I both know you’re only reading that because it’s popular. It’s not what you actually like to read.”

“And what do you think I like to read?”

“Wouldn’t have asked if I knew the answer.”

“Alright, I’ll bite, Satoru.”

He beams brightly when you say his name.

“The last thing I read for my own enjoyment was, Thomas De Quincey’s, Confessions of an Opium Eater.”

Satoru’s jaw drops, “the drug addict poet?”

“Most writers struggle with addiction.”

“What do you like about De Quincey’s works?”

“He wrote quite a particularly thought provoking piece about the human mind. Looking into the subconscious.”

“Oh?”

“He writes, ‘dreams are the unconscious mind finishing the halted thoughts of the conscious.’”

“A Romantic for sure.”

You beam, “oh, most definitely.”

Satoru thinks that this is the first time he’s ever seen you smile in such a way. If he weren’t already sitting he would have fallen flat on the ground. His heart would have stopped in his chest and he likely would have fallen to the ground and died only then to be once again revived by your beauty.

He thinks that this is where humanity must have peaked. That there will never again be someone that looks as beautiful as you do when you’re smiling. That no one will ever hold such a place in his heart that you do.

He leans towards you with a lovesick smile, “I’m going to marry you.”

You cough a little, “excuse me?”

His smile doesn’t falter, “I think I’m falling in love with you.”

“Why me?”

“You understand me.”

“Hm?”

“You see the world in a way that everyone else doesn’t and you see me for who I am. Not who everyone else thinks that I should be.”

“My Lord-”

“Satoru.” He corrects.

“Satoru,” you lean away, “don’t you think you’re being a little hasty? We’ve barely even had a full conversation since you came back from school.”

“And?”

“You barely know who I am.” You look hesitant, the mask you always wear slipping as if you’ve never worn it before.

He takes your hand before you can bolt off (he hopes that it comforts you the same way it comforts him), “I know that you understand my loneliness. You know how it feels like for the whole world to want you to be a certain way. You’ve perfected the way of living from the way you move to the smile on your face to be exactly what society expects of you.” He feels as though his heart is beating a million beats a minute.

Your expression shifts a little.

Going from hesistance -

- to surprise.

And then suddenly Satoru doesn’t know what it is that you’re exactly thinking right now. He doesn’t think he’s ever seen this expression on you and it worries him a little. His heart is fluttering in anticipation.

Satoru doesn’t think he’s ever been in such an uncomfortable situation before.

Well… there was that one time where Suguru had hidden Satoru’s favourite riding helmet as payback for something stupid he said earlier. In an attempt to make it seem like he wasn’t bothered, Satoru had gone off with a different helmet and messed up almost everything. Nothing seemed right. His horse, even though it was his favourite steed that he had ridden since he was a boy, just wasn’t listening the way it usually did. He actually almost fell off his horse twice (and actually did fall off once while in the middle of getting on).

Yeah, Satoru thinks, this feeling is a little something like that.

“Satoru.” You hold his hand tightly.

“Hm?”

“Be here with me.”

“I am here.”

“Stay in the moment with me,” you say softly, “your mind keeps drifting elsewhere.”

Satoru’s heart flutters as he smiles down at you fondly, “okay.”

Yeah.

He’s most definitely falling in love with you.

No.

He has fallen in love with you.

He’s going to marry you.

Openly, fall in love.

[quotergirl19]

Penelope meets a young lady who is new to society this season, the girl is very beautiful and kind and Pen takes an instant liking to her. She asks if Penelope has any advice for her since she’s not new to society so Pen warns her to be cautious of certain gentlemen because many see courtship as sport and don’t actually care about whether or not they are toying with a young lady’s affections or distracting her from more sincere and serious suitors.

The girl thanks Penelope and mentions that she has her eye on two particularly handsome gentlemen, one of whom is Colin and Penelope tells her that she has excellent taste because she has known Mr. Bridgerton for years. That he is undeniably handsome and charming and his family is wonderful but she warns that Colin has sworn off women and only sees fit to flirt and dance but he mocks the idea of actual courtship and is unlikely to marry for years.

Turns out the young lady has heard about what Colin said about Penelope and was surprised that Penelope was so honest about her experience with Mr. Bridgerton. The girl turns out to be quite sharp and popular and she spreads the word about Mr. Bridgerton so rapidly that it was overheard multiple times even by Penelope’s own sister and mother. So many times in fact that Pen simply had to make note of it in her latest Whistledown column. Just like that the word is out that Colin Bridgerton has sworn off women and only flirts to entertain himself but pursuing him for a husband is a waste of time and a risk because he will disparage a lady to make clear that he does not wish to wed.

Later when Colin tries to flirt with a number of pretty young things, they seem wary and uninterested, and knowing how he disparaged Miss Penelope Featherington, a longtime friend of the Bridgerton family, most mamas have warned their daughters to stays far away from the 3rd Bridgerton son. Colin is determined not to let anything undermine his confidence so he steps up his game, earning himself quite the reputation as the most dangerously charming man in London. Colin is annoyed by this, because where he once found flirting to be light hearted and fun, it has become a bit of a chore now and what he really wanted was to have some genuine conversations with someone who he could just be normal with. But the one person who he could always turn to for a bit of actual conversation was Penelope and she was avoiding him like the plague.

Even worse, when Colin did manage to get a moment alone with Penelope, she appeared just as wary of him as women who didn’t know him at all. She even expressed fear that if they were discovered they might be forced to marry as if she could think of no worse fate than being tied to such a known flirt. When Colin is insulted because Penelope of all people should know that he would never disrespect his wife, she tells him that what she knows is that he would likely never be satisfied with the attention of only one woman and being his wife would guarantee she’d be subject to constant mockery while he charmed every beauty he encountered. Because all he really cares about is himself.

Insulted, Colin reminds Penelope that he cares for her enough that he stepped in to save her family from her cousin Jack’s ruby scheme and maybe she should be a little more grateful to him. Penelope silences him instantly by telling him that he probably only got Jack to leave town because he didn’t want the ton to know he’d been fooled once again because the last time he tucked tail and fled to Greece for months only to return and still be exactly what Marina said he was, an eager boy. Then Penelope leaves but not before telling him not to corner her alone again, because when she does marry, she wants a man who values her, not the fickle sort of person who claims she’s special to him only to make her look ridiculous because men who don’t know her worth, don’t envy his choice.