#is it a coincidence? is there something else? much to unpack. i think i would like to map this out someday. | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

aperrywilliams · 5 months

Text

It Was Horrible Until It Wasn't (Spencer Reid x Fem!Reader)

------------------

Author Masterlist

------------------

Part 1: If Anything I Find It Educative

Part 2: It Was Horrible Until It Wasn’t

Part 3: Douchebag Falls Short in This Case

------------------

Pairing: Spencer Reid x Fem!Reader.

Summary: Reader comes up to her apartment after Spencer walks her home from the diner, where they spend the last couple of hours. She is still processing the night and wonders if they will meet again. Another fortuitous event makes that happen. In which terms they will part ways again?

Word Count: 5.1k

Warnings: Mention of guns (tests to carry a gun). Mention to Reader's ex. Some strong words? IDK what else. If I forgot something, let me know.

A/N: I got very excited after your reactions and comments to "If Anything, I Find it Educative." So this is kind of part two, from Reader's perspective. I'm not convinced about a series yet, even if I have some ideas. What would you like to see if it happens?

-----

Reader's POV

-----

As I open the door, a bunch of cardboard boxes scattered on the floor greets me. That reminds me that I haven't unpacked all my things yet.

I've only been living here for two weeks, and I'm still getting used to the idea that this is my new home.

It doesn't feel like it yet.

But the boxes will be a problem for tomorrow. Now, I only want to take off these high heels and this fancy dress and call it a night - a pretty eventful night.

Not only did I have to confront my ex with his new girlfriend, but I also had to pretend I was okay with it. But how did I expect to do that? Did I genuinely think two months would be enough to be outside again to prove I got myself up?

How naive of me.

I make a beeline to my bedroom, not even bothering to look at the rest of the apartment.

Again, it's tomorrow's problem.

Retreating my phone from my purse, I plug it to charge over my bedside table as I strip from my clothes and go to the bathroom to do my nightly routine.

The entire time, my mind doesn't stop wandering. At some point, it settles on the girl I helped from choking. It was a total coincidence for me to be there. I only approached the bar for another drink when I heard that man rambling. I don't know why my ear perked up, but it did. When I look to find the voice's source, my eyes land on the man and the girl by his side.

He was talking as if the world would end if he didn't, and the girl only eyed him from head to toe, clearly not giving a damn what he was saying. I kept subtly listening to them while sipping my drink. The guy's voice had something enchanting. I would have heard him talk for hours if it were from me. It was a bad thing his interlocutor wasn't so receptive, and when she occasionally said something, it was a flirting remark that only made him uncomfortable.

What a shame.

When I noticed her fighting to breathe, swatting her hands in desperation, and the poor guy froze on the spot, I knew I needed to do something.

I didn't think much of it and wrapped my arms around her torso to help her. It worked. The oyster she choked with flew into the air, and she could breathe again.

But the next thing I knew, her palm connected to the man's cheek.

The poor guy seemed so confused, and the people talking around didn't help either. What a shitty situation. And as the good citizen I am, I tried to do something about it, only to get lashed out by the same woman I just saved from choking.

Fuck it.

Seeing the people's attention returned to them, I walked away. That wasn't my fight in the first place.

Returning from the bathroom, I hear my phone ding. It's a text from my friend Andie.

Andie: How did the gala turn out? Did you see him? He was with her, right?

Andie had insisted on me not going to the gala, although I repeated to her several times that it was okay, that nothing would happen, and that I couldn't hide forever.

Me: You were right. I wasn't ready.

It's a defeat I must recognize. I wasn't prepared to see them.

Andie: My girl, I'm so sorry. It must have been awful for you.

It was, but it doesn't mean the night was a disaster.

Me: It was horrible until it wasn't. I can tell you more tomorrow. Now, I only want to go to bed.

Andie: You have me a bit confused here, but okay. I'll call you tomorrow. Sleep tight; I love you.

I return my phone to the charger and slip under the covers.

It was horrible until it wasn't.

I keep thinking about that. And a smile tugs the corner of my lips. Since Spencer - the guy who got slapped by the oyster-choked girl - approached me at the terrace, the night wasn't that awful anymore.

Who would have thought I would end my night in a diner, dressed to the nines and spouting details of my messy life to a stranger?

Monday morning comes faster than I wanted.

I spent my Sunday mostly unpacking boxes and tidying my apartment, and now, with a coffee in hand, I cross the hall to my office on the third floor of the FBI building in Quantico.

Some colleagues greet me as I pass by. I return them with a polite smile. I saw a couple of them at the gala on Saturday. I only hope they didn't notice the wreck I was that night.

On my desk, a pile of hundreds of manila folders are waiting for me.

This Monday will be a blast.

Dutifully, I reach for the first folder to start my work, as my ear perks up to two colleagues' conversation about the gala.

"Did you see them? Those hot chicks from Counterterrorism?" a male colleague says to another.

"Yeah. I heard one of them was hitting on Reid from the BAU. What a waste!" The other adds.

"And the lucky bastard wasn't able to take her home. His nerdy charm didn't even help him with that."

The mention of the BAU brings Spencer to my mind again. And I realize I don't even know his last name.

I don't think I need to know, but I can't stop my fingers from typing 'Spencer FBI BAU' on my computer.

My findings make the conversation between my colleagues intriguing. They were precisely talking about Spencer, Spencer Reid, and the girl with him at the gala. Clearly, the incident did not go unnoticed.

I don't like the tone they refer to him, either. I do not know the guy well, but I'm sure he's way better than any of the men at the venue that night.

Are you hearing yourself (Y/N)? That kind of blind trust put you in this situation with your ex in the first place.

I shouldn't grant credibility so fast, but honestly? Spencer seems to be everything but a threat. The things he said, the way he spoke. Anyway, I should stop thinking about that if I want to finish some work. Yeah, that's what I need to do.

Drowning out the noise, I return to the opened folder and continue working.

Some would ask how a task as monotonous as the one I'm doing now could be appealing to someone. The appeal for me comes from how everything fits in the right places and serves a purpose. That's enough for me, even if some people don't understand it.

My ex didn't. And as him, many others.

I'm still fighting to ease the effects their judgments had on me.

Around lunchtime, stopping the papers review, I pick up my phone to check my messages. Yesterday, I promised Andie I would have lunch with her today, so I'm checking for her confirmation and a place to meet.

Just in time, a text comes. She is free right now and suggests a restaurant just outside the building.

"Hey, girl! I'm glad you made it," she greets me as I spot her on one of the tables.

"Of course. I promised I would."

Lunchtime is only one hour, so we order quickly and go straight to the matter.

"I can't believe the son of the bitch decided to go and show off his new conquest," Andie huffs.

"Not that new, considering she has been sleeping with him in what used to be my bed at least a month before I discovered it," I correct with an annoyed look.

It's good to say these things without crying my eyes out anymore.

I tell Andie more details about how it went to share a space packed with mutuals around us and try to stay composed.

"But at some point, I just couldn't. So I retracted to the bar. I only wanted to grab a drink and be alone."

Andie nods in understanding.

"I don't blame you. So you were at the bar when you crossed to the girl to whom you did Heimlich?"

Yesterday, by phone, I told Andie the main facts regarding that, and after laughing for a solid five minutes about the whole ordeal, she made me promise to reveal more details in our lunch meeting.

That's why I'm describing what happened piece by piece.

"She slapped the guy? And she yelled at you? What a bitch! But I don't understand why he apologized on her behalf."

"Honestly? I didn't understand it, but it made sense after talking with him. The guy felt responsible, even if it wasn't related to him. It was the fact that someone had to do the right thing," I explain, with my eyes fixed on my water glass, recalling Spencer's words from that night.

I can't help but feel some fondness for his genuine worry. Andie raises an eyebrow and hums.

"The guy made a good impression on you, I see."

Andie's tone is teasing, and I know exactly where she is heading.

"Come on, don't start with that," I warn her. I'm not thoroughly annoyed, but I'm not in the mood for teasing. Andie scoffs.

"I'm just saying it's good to know there are men out there that give hopes up. That's all!"

"Sure," I mumble, not very convinced by her explanation.

The rest of our lunch follows a similar tone. When I finish telling Andie about Spencer walking me home, I know she is biting her tongue to say something to taunt me, but she holds back and opts for a question.

"Do you think you'll see him again?"

I ponder my answer. I don't know, although I remember Spencer asking, 'See you around?'

That doesn't mean we agreed to see each other again, even if I said, 'Sure, why not?'

Did Spencer mean that? Did he want to see me again?

"I don't know. Maybe. We both work in this building, so there are chances, I guess," I shrug. Andie narrows her eyes.

"But do you want to?"

That's a question I don't know how to answer, so I take some seconds to think about it.

"Let's say I'm not opposed to the idea."

A reply that could be an understatement. But not I'm telling Andie that.

She doesn't press on the matter, though. And I'm grateful she doesn't.

Now it's time to go back to work. We walk out of the restaurant to our building and separate ways at the elevator. Andie continues to the eighth floor when I hop off on the third.

Returning to my desk, I continue checking the folders piled on my desk, and my mind only focuses on that, knowing if I don't, there is no chance of getting this stack finished.

----

A good thing about the week progressing is nobody talking anymore about the damn gala. It's been a nightmare since Monday when everyone had to mention something about it. That included comments about me facing my ex there.

Of course, it was public knowledge I was dating an agent of the Criminal Investigative Division. Also, it became public knowledge he cheated on me with his current girlfriend from Counterterrorism.

But finally, it is Thursday, and everything seems to have returned to normal, so much so that the amount of work has increased exponentially. That's why I'm still at the office at seven pm.

I only assume it's time to go home when my boss pokes out of his office and calls for Andrew, one of our coworkers who distributes files and memos to the other departments.

I turn around, and it's only me at this hour. My boss notices the vacant office and is now talking to me.

"I guess I have to ask you to do this. Can you go to the sixth and drop this to Aaron Hotchner's office? I would have waited until tomorrow for Andrew, but this must be at his desk today."

I don't think I have a choice, so I pick the folder, promising to drop it before going home.

With my coat and purse, I grab the folder and stroll to the elevator.

I have been working here for four years and know every financial detail of each Quantico department, but I still need to recognize all department locations in this facility. So, floors are just floors, except the eight where Andie works.

Arriving at my destination, I walk into a bullpen, where I can see a lot of desks and offices. And just like my floor, it is almost empty. Anyway, I see one of the offices with lights on. My instinct tells me that's the place I'm looking for, and the plaque at the door confirms my suspicions: SSA Aaron Hotchner.

"Come in," a voice comes from the office when I knock.

Peeking inside, a stern-looking man is glancing in my direction. "Can I help you?" he asks with a slight frown.

"Yes, sir. I'm with the Finance Division, and my boss asked me to bring this to you," I explain as I reach out to hand him the folder. When he grabs it, realization washes over the man.

"Of course. Thank you very much-" Agent Hotchner trails off.

"(Y/L/N)," I supply, knowing he wants my last name.

"Thank you very much, Agent (Y/L/N)."

Weird.

Everyone in the finance and administrative department refers to each other only by last name. We use the 'agent' thing mainly with those who do the fieldwork, and we are used to that.

"You're welcome, Agent Hotchner," I smile politely, ready to leave the man's office. He nods approvingly.

"Hotch, sorry for interrupting you, but I'm ready with my report. I thought you wanted it-"

A man talks, entering abruptly at the office. He stops in his tracks when he sees Agent Hotchner isn't alone.

"Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't know you were with someone. I can come back later," he apologizes.

Wait. I know that voice.

I turn, and I see Spencer standing there. His eyes meet mine, and I feel my cheeks burn. He doesn't say anything but doesn't tear his eyes from mine.

I don't know how many seconds pass, but it's enough for Agent Hotchner to intervene.

"Reid?" he calls Spencer's attention.

"Uh?"

"The report. It's okay; you can give it to me," he tells Spencer, not without subtly bouncing his gaze between us.

"Oh. Okay." Spencer approaches Hotchner's desk, but he still directs glances at me. I want to say hi to him properly, but it doesn't feel okay knowing the man in front of us is undoubtedly his boss. I don't want him to feel uncomfortable. So, I take that as my cue to leave.

"If you excuse me," I tell Agent Hotchner, signaling my departure. Spencer looks at me, and I give him a subtle smile.

"Of course. Thank you again, Agent (Y/L/N)."

"To you, sir. Have a good evening."

I walk down the stairs to the open bullpen and toward the elevator.

Before I can push the go-down button, a voice calls my name. It's Spencer's.

"(Y/N), wait!"

I turn and see him trotting towards me.

"Hi!" he says once we are face to face.

Now I feel bad. Spencer comes here to say hi, and I didn't greet him properly just two minutes ago.

"Spencer, hi. I'm sorry, I should have said something there, but I didn't know if you wanted him to know- I mean, I supposed he was your boss, and I-"

What's wrong with me?

Why can't I explain myself without stumbling with my words?

"No. No. Don't apologize. It's okay. I should have told you something, too. But I didn't expect to see you here."

"Me neither. My boss sent me here instead of one of my coworkers, who left early. I didn't know this was the BAU floor. What a coincidence, uh?" I play cool, shifting my weight from one foot to another. Spencer nods in agreement.

"Totally. It's good to see you, though. I hoped we could cross paths again."

Isn't it weird that his words have produced a funny tingle in my stomach right now?

"Is that so?" I half-breath, noticing his cheeks turn a shade of pink.

"Yes. I mean, I truly enjoyed talking to you that night," he sheepishly admits.

I more than enjoyed it, Spencer.

"Yeah, me too."

Silence sets between us. And it's time to make a decision. I could say I go home and leave him with a lukewarm 'See you around,' or say I'm leaving, but before doing so, give Spencer my number so we can talk soon. Or...

"Are you busy right now? I'm heading home now, but if you can and want, we can go for a coffee."

Wow (Y/N). Very smooth. I like you smooth.

Spencer's eyes widened, and I wondered for a second if my offer was too straightforward.

"If you have plans, it's okay. We don't have to," I relent.

"Oh, no. I don't. And I would love to go for a coffee with you," Spencer hastens to say. I release a breath I didn't know I was holding.

"Yeah?"

"Sure! If you wait for me just a second, I'll pick my things from my desk, and we can go."

----

This time, it's my turn to pick the place.

It's a small coffee shop in the middle of Virginia, just mid-way between Quantico and my apartment.

As we get on the train, I ask Spencer about Agent Hotchner.

"Hotch? Well, he has been at the unit for twelve years now. Gideon, a former agent, told me once he didn't expect Hotch to last long in the BAU. But he proved him wrong. Indeed, Gideon left, and Hotch stayed. Honestly, I can't picture the BAU with another unit chief."

There is a fondness when Spencer talks about Hotchner. I can tell he sees him more than as a superior.

"What about yours?"

Now is my turn to talk about my boss.

"Agent Williams? He is a bureaucrat from head to toe. He had just transferred from another administrative department when I joined the financial division four years ago. At that time, he had ten years working with the FBI. The guy is a genius but lacks social skills. I'm not judging him; I'm a bit like him. But in his position, he needs to make politics, which involves talking and convincing people."

The conversation with Spencer flows so well and easily that I'm as impressed as I was the night of the gala.

When we reach the coffee shop, we sit facing each other. After ordering our coffee, we start talking about our coworkers.

"So Garcia is our technical analyst. I have to say she is like the team's heart. Besides her outstanding skills, her compassion and care are something out of this world," Spencer admits, and again, I feel the fondness in his voice.

"She seems very special," I add. Spencer nods.

"Very. I don't know what it's like to have a sister, but if I had one, I would have liked someone like her.

So he doesn't have a sister. Does he have brothers, though? We have yet to talk about our families, so this is the first piece of information I get about it.

"What about the guy who came to check what was happening with your girl at the gala?" I ask, and Spencer scoff.

"First of all, Ashley isn't my girl. I think she made it pretty clear that night. And secondly, the guy in question is Morgan, the culprit of why I was with Ashley in the first place."

That's interesting. I want to know more about that.

"How is that?" I ask, sipping my coffee.

Spencer tells me how Morgan insisted they talk to the girls - Ashley and her friends - and how he reluctantly followed him.

I'm about to make a not-so-kind remark when Spencer gets ahead of me.

"I know it may seem like he is a thoughtless person, but he truly means well. I can't entirely agree with his tactics most of the time, but he's right when he tells me I should enjoy more and work less."

"It's safe to say you weren't 'enjoying' that much there," I quip, air-quoting the word 'enjoying.' Spencer chuckles.

"Yeah. Honestly? I have more fun when Morgan kicks doors down in our field chases than when he tries to play wingman for me."

What? Kick doors down?

"Wait a minute. Are you telling me that the FBI had to spend thousands of dollars in repairs for third parties last year because of him?"

I know I'm being dramatic. It's impossible that just one agent destroyed that amount of dollars by kicking doors. But still.

Spencer's eyes widen.

"What? No! I mean, yes. He does that, but thousands of dollars? Last time I checked, doors are not that expensive."

I roll my eyes. That's not the point.

"Okay. I know it's not only Agent Morgan's doing, but did you know the buro's budget had increased by 4% last year due to refunds for field operations? And did you know 70% of that increase refers to agents shattering private property?"

Now, I sound like my boss. Great. I became what I swore to destroy.

Spencer looks at me with amusement. I narrow my eyes to him. "What?"

He clears his throat. "Oh. No, nothing. It's just - well, it's fascinating to hear you talking about - uh - numbers."

I can't help but snort. "Come on, how fascinating that can be?"

Spencer grins. "If anything, I find it educative," he parrots my words from that night, and we fall into a fit of laughs.

"Yeah?" I muse after the laughter subsides. Spencer nods, still a smile gracing his face.

Gosh, that smile.

"Well, I can talk about numbers all day. But I'm sure you don't want me to 'fascinate' you that much."

Spencer hums, faking be pondering his options.

"Don't tempt me. I like to know and talk about everything. But before returning to numbers, I want to ask about your coworkers. I already talked much about mine."

Even if there is not much to say, indulging him with an answer is only fair.

"What can I say? In my area, there are three: Anthony, Leah, and me. We were four then, but Andie was promoted to the eighth floor a year ago. Anthony is a good guy, a little inexperienced, but very eager to learn. We don't have a very close relationship, but he's my protegee at work. Leah is very clever and has enough experience, but sometimes she is not present, making things a little tense between us. Andie is rightfully my friend. We got to the bureau simultaneously, and although she doesn't work with us anymore, we are very close."

Spencer is looking at me with full attention. It's odd to talk about this kind of thing with someone. I don't like to talk about my bonds in general. It makes me feel vulnerable. But for a reason that I still don't get, with Spencer, it feels right.

It's night already, and we are in our third coffee.

"Do you usually drink this amount of coffee daily at this hour? I try to cut off my dosis after lunch, but sometimes I just can't," I point as I stir the spoon on my coffee. Spencer hums.

"I drink a lot of it at any time of the day, every day. It's worse when we are on cases because that shitty coffee at the precincts should not even be called coffee," he scoffs, pouring half of the sugar pot into his cup.

I have already noticed the amount of sugar Spencer has used in his two previous coffees; this third is not the exception.

"I'm sorry, but I have to ask," I say as my eyes dart to his sweet liquid. He follows my line of sight and chuckles.

"I love coffee, but I don't like its bitterness. I know it doesn't make sense, but for me it does."

"Fair enough."

After that, our conversation stumbles to lousy sleep habits.

"Ray hated it. Even once, he told me I purposely got up in the middle of the night to annoy him."

Spencer's brow furrows.

"Ray is your ex?"

Shit. I don't realize I'm talking about him.

Why do I have to mention him? I hate how ingrained he is still in my life.

"Yeah, Raymond. No wonder why things didn't work out between us," I try to joke because I don't want to cry about it anymore.

"An example of a man," Spencer follows my lead, and I'm grateful he doesn't look at me like people usually do when I talk about it. There is no pity. There is no that look saying, 'Oh, poor girl who got cheated on.' It's like a whole understanding. It doesn't make me feel like a failure. And that's a change—a good one.

I chuckle. "Hell, he is."

It's getting late, and it's time to part ways, even if I don't want it. Hours pass quickly with such good company.

"We should get going. It's late," I point as I glance at my phone. Spencer nods in acknowledgment, signaling the waitress to get the check. He is about to fish his wallet when I stop him.

"No. Don't do that. I invited you."

Spencer scoffs, opening his wallet nonetheless.

"No way. You invited me the other night. You can do it next time."

Next time, uh? I want to say something teasing, but the waitress returns with our check.

We are outside the coffee shop now. I adjust my coat as Spencer does the same with his suit jacket. The night is chilly, and the contrast with the warmth of the coffee shop is evident.

"Can I walk you home?" He offers. I have my doubts about that. It's not that I don't like the idea; I just don't want to use more of his time.

"You don't have to. Really," I shake my head.

"Please? You already said it. It's pretty late," he insists, looking at me with dog puppy eyes.

Why is he doing that? He is testing my resolve.

"You know I can take care of myself, right? I'm a certificated FBI agent. I can't carry a gun, but sure I could manage," I argue in a teasing tone. Spencer chuckles.

"I know you are. And I'm sure you could. Even though, why no to prolong our evening for fifteen minutes long?" I raise an eyebrow.

"So you really like my company, uh?"

I'm sure I see a blush creeping his cheeks, and it's endearing.

"I like your company. I thought I made it pretty clear the other night?" he probes. And I don't know how to respond to that.

The truth is quite curious. Teasing Spencer seems so natural sometimes, but now I don't know what to say.

I decide not to say anything and nod, motioning for us to start walking.

Spencer follows me, and we walk in silence for the first block. Then, I feel the need to continue our conversation. I want these fifteen minutes to be as good as the previous two hours.

"Did you know that I used to carry a gun? Although it took me three failed tests to do so."

Spencer looks at me, surprised. I take that as my cue to tell that story.

Once I tell him how I finally managed to pass my shooting test, he starts telling me how he also failed his test a couple of times.

"So you saved your boss life shooting an unsub?" Spencer nods.

"But I really aimed to his leg, not his head," he adds, and we burst into a fit of laughter.

Without realizing it, we are already in front of my building. The laughter subsides when we notice where we are.

I clear my throat. "Well. Uh-thank you. Again," I say, referring to him walking me home.

"No need," Spencer says. "I had a good time today," he adds, smiling.

I can't help but feel my cheeks burn. Spencer casts his eyes to the ground.

"Me too," I admit, biting my bottom lip. "I - uh."

Why am I so nervous right now? Just say what you want to say!

"I - uh. I'd really like to do this again. I mean, you know, maybe next time could be something planned?"

Spencer's eyes flick to mine. I would say he didn't expect me to say that.

"I would love that," he says, keeping eye contact. And for a moment, I think the breath leaves my lungs. Those eyes are something I didn't see in my life before. I can't describe it, but it's enough to make me speechless.

"I guess it's here when I ask for your number?" Spencer's voice is the one that brings me out of the trance.

I chuckle, mid-embarrassed by my absorption moment. I gesture for him to give me the phone. Spencer does it, and I advert his piercing gaze to focus on typing my number. Once done, I return the device with a playful smile. Jeez, I feel like a damn teenager.

A snort leaves Spencer's lips when he sees the name I used for my contact.

"Really?" He asks. I nod, chuckling.

"It's safe to say you won't forget who I am," I confirm.

"Bet I won't."

"Good. Now I'm going to come up," I gesture to the building. "Good night, Spencer."

"Good night, (Y/N)."

I turn to enter the building, and although I can't see him, I feel him standing there in the cold night until I disappear into the elevator.

Once I cross the threshold of my apartment, a ding comes from my phone. Frowning, I pick it up.

Unknown number: Are you free on Saturday at midday? We could go to lunch. Let me know. Good night. SR.

I bit my lower lip. And after typing a reply, I start my night routine before bed.

Oh, boy. What are you getting into (Y/N)?

Whatever it is, it feels so good.

-------------

Next -> Part 3: Douchebag Falls Short in This Case

-------------

A/N 2: As always, I'm excited to know your thoughts about this one!

-------------

Spencer Reid's Taglist: @dreatine @nomajdetective @jayyeahthatsme @rosalinasam2 @averyhotchner @lovelyxtom @princessmiaelicia @pastelbabygirl19 @reidsbookclub @alexxavicry @gspenc @spencerreidisbae123 @calmspencer @pauline5525mgg @anamiad00msday @milivanili99 @laylasbunbunny @leahblackk @miaxx03 @missabsey @taintedstranger @khxna @hiireadstuff @pleasantwitchgarden @dysphoricsanity @levi-of-starz @themoonchildwhofell @silver138 @lovelybaka @shinytinywhispers

#spencer reid #spencer reid fanfiction #criminal minds #spencer reid x reader #spencer reid x fem!reader #spencer reid fluff #spencer reid fanfic #spencer reid x you #spencer reid x y/n #aperrywilliams #amanda perry williams

273 notes · View notes

kamiversee · 4 months

Note

KAMMMIIIIII that last chapter was AMAZING (also yes the theories on sukuna blackmailing gojo were RIGHT RAAAAAHH)!!!! ok ok ok so here’s the parallels/new info we’ve got so far:

- this is why gojo HATES when the reader calls herself a whore (esp thinking about after she hooks up w sukuna and gojo is driving her and he gets MAD about it)

- this is also why gojo insists on making her hate him bc he knows that’s the whole point, he knows he’s not completely clear of his obsession but he finally understands that what he did was wrong and he can’t let her love him in the way he wants

- YES the stuff abt choso being on there bc sukuna knew she would have feelings for him!!! im still a firm believer that it’s bc sukuna feels bad about what happened w choso and wants to make it up to him in some way but idk if we’ll get to see that through

- ALSO a few sukuna thoughts: sooooo was he being stalked by his ex, the one he ended up hitting? bc he talks about being afraid, and the whole “never let a woman take away what makes you a man” thing could be because he was scared by the situation? idk that just felt too personal

- i also don’t think we ever found out who actually hurt sukuna the night of his party and gave him that bruise (i thought you said at one point that it wasn’t gojo but tbh my brain is a little mushy so that might be wrong), i don’t have many theories on that one just yet but we will be cooking hmmm

- i’ve been SAYIN it but like yes what gojo did was bad. full stop. but! he also really did seem to grow throughout TFL and the idea of him being blackmailed by sukuna makes him much much more sympathetic!!! like he knows you don’t have a job so he comes up w the idea to pay you, he keeps pushing you away bc he knows you shouldn’t love him, ugh just makes my heart hurt for this poor man

- also ….hot take incoming…..but idk that sukuna is as bad as we thought. like rn he’s just trying to protect the reader from what he sees as creepy ass behavior from gojo, presumably he’s had something similar happen, and like yes bro thrives on chaos and wants to hurt us but not just for the purpose of causing pain to a stranger but specifically to punish gojo; idk i’m not here to debate intentions vs actions vs consequences but it’s not like he just did this for laughs he really is trying to make gojo hurt and clearly he has some emotions tied up in this too

- ok rereading that last paragraph idk lmao like bro still (presumably) hits yuji bc gojo also mentions bruises idk idk idk don’t come for me

- something else that stuck out to me that i haven’t been able to stop thinking abt is that in the TFL extra on reader’s wedding night w choso, it’s mentioned that sukuna gives up custody of yuji the same night gojo reveals everything (i think tbh it’s been a min since i read it), but like….why? (i think) that extra was canon and it almost feels like too much of a coincidence but maybe it just is ????? someone else who has better thoughts than i do please share hahahahaha

PHEW this got long but i just had to type it out after all our theories have been coming for so long it’s so exciting to see everything start falling into place!!!! i can’t wait to get back to the run in w sukuna at the gas station AHH i have a feeling bro is about to blow shit up and i cannot wait!!!!

- 🩷

WOOHOOO YAP SESSION

Glad you enjoyed it my love!!! I shall disagree/agree paragraph by paragraph so lets get to unpacking :P

1. Yes! Sukuna was the first and only person Gojo’s ever heard call her such a thing so when the term is later used by the reader herself, it triggers him all over again :)

2. Yes yes yes yes!! This is exactly why Gojo kept telling her that love between them is “forbidden” and why he’d compare it to being a “crime”. You can also see how as tfl goes on, his obsession returns due to him being so close with the reader and finally experiencing her just as he’d always longed to.

3. Mhm! Sukuna is quite the mastermind :3

4. This Sukuna thought is on the right track to say the very least & avoid further spoilers! ^.^

5. Gojo was not the person to hit Sukuna that time!

6. YES I CANT STRESS THIS ENOUGH. I know he’s bad terrible etc BUT, Gojo does do exactly as he always said he would & changes for the reader to become deserving of her whilst also telling her she cannot be with him… I’d also like to point out how a lot of Gojo girlies said they would’ve picked him right then and there after his confessions but I wonder how they feel now knowing that Gojo would’ve almost never told them about his past actions 🤔

7. Sukuna is… Well, let me say this, there are no true villains nor hero’s in tfl or ftl. No one is completely good & no one is completely bad, both stories are just messy tales of humans figuring life out.

8. Well, Gojo did mention bruises but that is before tfl takes place so we don’t know when exactly Sukuna’s domestic violence stops…

9. Think about two things here— One, Sukuna mentions that the reader deserves some form of happiness out of her, a feeling that could’ve doubled after he experienced her for himself. Two, it’s theorized that Sukuna still wants to make things up to Choso. Similar to Gojo, Sukuna cannot undo what he’s done in the past but he can try to make amends. I hope that makes sense & helps your thoughts ^.^

Im happy to see u excited about this!!! I was excited planning this & writing this >< When we circle back to the gas station & enter the sequel… things will indeed be insane. 🙂‍↕️

#kamiversee!answers #k!ans: 🩷#ftl!theories

14 notes · View notes

tellthemeerkatsitsfine · 3 months

Text

Well I listened to an episode of the Peacock & Gamble radio show today that follows interestingly from the post I made yesterday about how the dynamic’s changed a bit, Ed and Ray have a somewhat more adversarial relationship, Ed in a more clearly “straight man” role, it’s still very funny but some things work less well. There was other stuff going on too, but it seemed to turn around a little bit in episode five (March 24, 2014 – the first episode in which they actually said the date at some point during the episode, and I’ve been able to work out the previous episodes’ air dates from that, so I finally have those). When they’re three hours each, a lot can change in just one episode.

Adding a cut because this got long. Some discussion of misogyny ahead. Not from the comedians.

Episode 5 immediately felt a bit different because Ed was doing a fair bit more talking than usual. And not just talking more but talking first, cutting Ray off a little quicker than usual, being the person to drive the direction of conversation slightly more. I’d noticed in previous episodes that he sometimes faded a bit into the background in these, as he’d occasionally done in their interviews from Edinburgh, but in this episode he was getting right in there.

I have a guess as to why this was, and it’s related to the fact that he’d developed a new running joke throughout the episode, which was cutting Ray off to say “Don’t start talking about your depression.” Which probably looks terrible out of context so it’s only fair that I clarify, at no point did it sound like Ed Gamble thought anyone, including Ian Boldsworth, should not talk about their depression in real life. He said it in a jokey way, had picked this as an episode catchphrase it’s of a funny thing to say (because you’re not supposed to say that and saying things you’re not supposed to say is funny, Peacock and Gamble based a whole double act on that principle) – but also doubled as a way to genuinely cut Ray off any time he started on something that could go off the rails. Like when he brought up his dead fish again, or his Muppet collection that was in the bath because he hadn’t unpacked his new place. Ed would shut that down with “Don’t start talking about your depression” and change the subject.

They also referenced the fact that Ed had been to his place the other night and found him in a bad way, and I’m going to guess that the balance of Ray Peacock’s mental health breakdown had recently been tipped to Ray being genuinely worrying to the people around him, and Ed didn’t want him driving the direction of the radio show in that state. Ed sounded slightly nervous about this, I think, and the dynamic was different again.

Then their fucking guest arrived. He arrived during this song, which I got fully caught up in. I’d never heard that song before, but since I first heard it on their radio show about six hours ago, I’ve downloaded it to my phone and I’m obsessed with it. I sat on the train to work today and was amazed at how good it was. I may have been especially drawn into it because it happens to be very thematically relevant to the Ray Peacock stand-up shows I listened to yesterday and hugely enjoyed (I say “happened to” as though it’s a coincidence, I assume Ray Peacock was into this song then because he was writing that show). Not just the general theme of mental health, but this song covers the specific topic that show explored, about nature vs. nurture and origins stories of issues, those topics had stayed in my mind because that’s what a very very good stand-up show will do to you, then then this song came on the next day, it was so good, I was enjoying it so much.

Then, this voice I haven’t heard before interrupts the song, and asks what the fuck is this rubbish. Ray and Ed interrupt their own songs all the time, it was a remark of respect for this song that they hadn’t interrupted it yet, but it was jarring to hear someone else get in there and be so rude about it right off the bat. They told him it was Amanda Palmer (helpful, that saved me a Google since I didn’t know the song but immediately knew I wanted it), he said it was fucking awful and they should turn it off. Their guest had arrived, and had immediately created a sour atmosphere both in the radio show in general, and in my specific experience of it, cutting that off so abruptly.

They said their guest was a porn star, and I immediately assumed it was a comedian who does a terrible character (the guests in the first four episodes were all comedians – Al Murray, Thom Tuck, Johnny Vegas, Angela Barnes), but I Googled him and he’s an actual porn star. He’s also a terrible person. Those things are not related, not all porn stars are terrible people. But fucking hell, he was.

It was all right for a while. They asked him a bunch of questions about what it’s like to do this job that most people know little about (little about how it works, anyway), a couple of the answers were sort of interesting, it was a bit awkward and the guy was being a bit of a dick but not that bad. Ray, who’d been fading slightly into the background (for the first time, as far as I can tell, ever) earlier in the episode, really came alive when he had the chance to ask a professional all his questions about dick size and gay experimentation and other topics on which he frequently fixates. They seemed to have more correspondence than they’d ever had before from listeners as well, constantly reading out questions they got over Twitter and texts from people who wanted to know things about the famous porn star (including one message from someone named Danielle Ward, and – I assume it’s not that one, surely she has better things to do than listen to this, but if she was listening to that horrible interview, makes it more understandable why she quit working public performance, you’d want to get away from that shit).

So it was all right for a bit, they were bantering with him and reveling in saying rude and inappropriate things because he works in sex and that’s inherently rude and inappropriate and that fits right into P&G comedy, and they’re so into it that it takes a little while for the atmosphere to catch up when it turns from funny-inappropriate to bad-inappropriate. The guy tells a couple of stories that have the tone and cadence of the funny-inappropriate stories, but if you think about them for half a second they’re actually about genuinely exploiting vulnerable people (specifically vulnerable women) in real life and they’re horribly fucked up.

Ray and Ed dealt with it relatively well, I’m not sure there is a really good thing to do in that situation unless you’re willing (and able) to just kick the guy out of the studio. Ray got back in charge a bit, started occasionally pointing out that these stories aren’t really okay, but the guy didn’t really seem bothered by that.

I found it interesting as a look at the old issue of irony in inappropriate comedy. You know, the thing that makes anything Peacock & Gamble have ever done acceptable. Saying awful things ironically these days is considered less okay than it used to be, and I think that’s a sign of the actual comedy changing, as well as audience attitudes about it changing.

Twenty, fifteen, even maybe ten years ago, if people said something awful ironically, it was reasonable for other people to assume they didn’t “secretly mean it”, the joke was that they understand it’s a bad thing to say and are making fun of people who’d say those things for real. At some point in the last decade, we’ve all figured out that the genuinely terrible people use irony as a shield when they say awful things, and if someone is saying that stuff “ironically”, there’s a decent chance that they do secretly mean it and are justifying it that way. Or that they might not personally mean it, but they’re happy to intentionally appeal to audience members who do, who will laugh because “You can’t say anything anymore, isn’t it great that that person’s standing up for my right to be racist!” Or that the joke “It’s funny because it’s true”, rather than “It’s funny because some horrible people believe this for real.”

Of course, sometimes, even ten or fifteen or twenty or thirty years ago, people would say horrible things as a joke, and the joke would be “It’s funny because it’s true.” But they didn’t usually wrap it up in irony, at least back then. You could tell the difference more easily. The difference between comedians saying awful things because they think awful things are funny, and comedians saying awful things ironically because they want to make fun of the people who actually think that way. I think there did used to be a much clearer difference than there is now.

And that is why I will accept a lot more ironic awful things in comedy from the 00s than in comedy that’s made today. Why I will laugh a lot at Peacock & Gamble saying something terrible in 2011, when if someone said the same thing in 2024, and tried to claim the same amount of irony, I’d say irony’s not a good defence for that. I guess in that one specific way, it’s true, you maybe can’t say anything anymore. But that's not my fault. It's not the Wokerati's fault (I am, to be clear, among the Wokerati). It's the fault of the terrible people who broke the pact where we all promised that irony means we don't really mean it.

Though to be fair, I have never heard any comedian from the last few years, who does material where they “ironically” say horrible things, and is anywhere near as funny as Peacock & Gamble. So there’s another extremely significant difference, I’ll laugh at Peacock & Gamble in 2011 and not at people who say horrible things in 2024 because the former was much much funnier than the latter. But there’s a political difference too.

This is something I think about at times, because to be honest, I’m surprised Ed Gamble hasn’t been canceled. Cancel culture’s not a real thing, most cancelations are just someone getting in trouble for a few weeks and then everyone forgets about it, that’s all that I’d expect to happen here. But with all the “re-surfaced clips of wholesome entertainer saying something terrible back in the day, people will get mad for a few weeks and everyone will shout ‘cancel culture!’ and then everyone will forget and it’ll be fine” – with all the times that’s happened, I’m surprised no one’s done it to Ed Gamble. I’ve tried to be a bit careful, while listening to the old P&G stuff, I’ve posted audio clips from it less often than I do with other stuff I listen to, and when I have posted clips, I’ve done some pretty surgical cutting to make sure I don’t get the worst stuff in there. Because it doesn’t seem fair to take some shit he said that long ago and post it on social media with no context in 2024, and I don’t have time to explain the massive amounts of context involved (including the stuff in this post, it would need to come with an explanation of “this was back when irony was used to demonize rather than normalize terrible things, or at least, that’s how most people thought it worked”, as well as “Okay they did plan all that out, the other guy was in on it, it’s all right”), and even with the full context there’s plenty of it that’s still not justifiable.

I’m careful in what I post on Tumblr because of theoretical principle, but to be honest, I could post whatever the hell I wanted on here and it would have no effect on Ed Gamble’s career because no one’s look at Tumblr. But I have definitely heard some things in those old episodes that have made me think “If I really wanted to ruin a few weeks of Ed Gamble’s life, and I wanted to clip the worst of this out of context and post it on some social media sites the people actually read and do that thing where you tag people so it gets picked up, I bet I could cause a problem.” I wouldn’t do that, to be clear. I’m just saying I find it a bit weird that I think I could. Because if I could, then that means anyone who’s heard those podcasts could, and I find it surprising that no one has. Surely someone will at some point.

Anyway. The point, to get back to that, is that this fucking guest really drew a line that illustrates how much irony does mean something. Maybe it doesn’t these days, maybe these days if you say something awful then that probably means you’re just awful no matter how much irony there is. But in that radio show from 2014 (not all that long ago, by some measures), there was an extremely clear difference between the guys who say terrible things because it’s funny to have a giggle about breaking the rules, and the guy who started saying terrible things because he was clearly a genuinely terrible person. That difference was so clear, and it became clear so very fast, and you could listen in real time as Ray and Ed realized it was there and didn’t know how to confront it, and it made for incredibly uncomfortable listening. Not funny-uncomfortable, the way I find a lot of things, I will frequently laugh at an uncomfortable comedy situation just because it’s uncomfortable. But this was a different thing, nothing about it was funny.

It escalated bit by bit, and by the time Ray said they only had a couple of minutes left and would wrap this up, I thought, that was rough but could have been worse. I thought it might end without too bad an incident. But then, in the “wrapping it up”, they brought up a show this guy did years ago on which Lucy Porter also appeared. The guest started talking shit about Lucy Porter, and even if I hadn’t heard him say a word so far that episode, I would immediately know he was a dick, because who talks shit about Lucy Porter? Lucy Porter is wonderful. No decent person hates Lucy Porter.

This guy starts saying “She was horrible to me on that show,” and I’m thinking, “Good for her, I’m sure you fucking deserved it.” Then he said “She thought I was some sort of misogynist,” and I’m thinking, “Good for her for working that out so fast.” Ed and Ray are hanging back a bit, obviously not willing to join in and talk shit about a comedy colleague live on air (actually, they have talked shit about comedy colleagues in the past, but ones who’ve deserved it, which obviously Lucy Porter doesn’t), but not able to just tell the guy to fuck off. Until Ray announced that a producer in his ear has just told him Lucy Porter is, by total coincidence, in the next studio.

I can’t imagine why anyone thought it would be a good idea to tell him that. That’s the only part of this that makes me slightly wonder if it could have been a setup – why the fuck would they tell compulsively impulsive Ian Boldsworth, who was known to be in the middle of a breakdown and even more impulsive than usual – that Lucy Porter was next door while this was happening? But apparently they just told him that because they thought it would be interesting information. Ray, of course, immediately announced that he didn’t feel comfortable listening to someone say those things about her when she had no right of reply, and he was going to go get her so they could settle this.

You can then hear him get up and run out of the room. Just as you hear the studio door close, the porn star guest makes his most overtly misogynistic comment yet, saying she’s not even funny and she only gets work because she’s a woman. There were misogynist undertones in nearly everything he’d said so far during that interview, there were misogynistic overtones in the way he’d talked about Lucy Porter, but that one comment crossed a new line, and he said it when only Ed was in the studio.

At this point, I hadn’t laughed in a while. I’d laughed a little bit early on in the interview, but my laughs had stopped once he started telling legitimately terrible stories that were just about exploiting women, it was bad-uncomfortable rather than funny-uncomfortable, the irony was long gone, it wasn’t okay. But I have to admit, when that happened, I did find myself having to cover my mouth and work really hard to stifle hysterical laughter on a crowded bus. But I took one moment to think about the situation Ed Gamble was in, and that suddenly seemed incredibly, amazingly funny. I still think that’s amazingly funny, I stand by my laughter there.

Fucking hell. He started that episode clearly a bit nervous about the way he needed to step up a bit and keep this show on track while Ray was having a breakdown, maybe handle a little more than he was used to (I mean, obviously he was very used to things like this as he’d been performing comedy for years, but he wasn’t used to being the main person driving the chat in this specific radio show), make sure it doesn’t go entirely off the rails. And then he had to deal with an incredibly uncomfortable interview where he and Ray were faced with the choice, live on air, of how hard to push back on this guy saying awful things, always a tricky balance to strike in the moment. And then this guy had suddenly escalated his terrible-ness, including attacking a comedy colleague, putting Ed in an even more difficult position. And then, just as it reached its peak, Ray ran out, doing two things to make it worse for Ed: 1) he had to worry about what will happen if Ray manages to actually get Lucy Porter in there because bringing her in might be the sort of “going off the rails for real” that he’d been trying to prevent, and 2) he was left alone with the horrible porn star, still live on air, excepted to talk to him, and just as he was left alone, the overtly misogynistic comment got said and he had to answer it himself.

That was the funniest fucking thing that could have happened. I laughed so hard. What a terrible thing to be dropped into. It was like it had crossed the line twice, reached farcical levels of awful that can only be funny. Not to mention, that’s just straight-up relatable comedy. We’ve all been left in situations, like that, right? Difficult situations where luckily you have a more experience partner whom we’re relying on to competently get us through this, and then they suddenly leave the room and you’re left to try to sort it out? I’ve certainly been there. And I found it very funny to imagine Ed Gamble there multiplied several times over.

Ed awkwardly asked the guy about his TV show, managed to turn it into a borderline normal interview for about 90 seconds. Then Ray bursts back into the room, and at that point I was so sure that either this had been some sort of setup and Lucy Porter was never there and no one told Ray anything in his ear and he’d say he couldn’t find her, or maybe she somehow was there but obviously she was busy and he’d have to say he’d failed to find her and this guy can get out of the studio now. But nope. I hear a voice that’s very familiar to me off Radio 4, he’d actually fucking brought Lucy Porter in.

I’m as sure as I possibly can be that this wasn’t a setup. If it had happened on a radio show I didn’t know, I’d automatically assume it was a setup. But I really don’t think this was. No one sounded prepared for it. They threw Lucy at him, explained live on air what had happened. She said she remembered that show from 15 years ago, she had disliked him. And then she apologized for that, which I didn’t think she should do because I’m sure she was the one in the right, but also I didn’t blame her for a moment, because what the fuck was she supposed to say? This went on for a horribly awkward minute or so, then they said Lucy Porter really does have to leave, and it turned out Ray had burst into Sean Hughes’ show that was actively recording in order to get her, and they needed her back in the other show, like really actually needed her back and you’re not allowed to just go into other studios and steal their guests, Ray shouted something about how theirs was pre-recorded and this was live so more important, but Lucy went back to the other show, and like I said, knowing everything I know about Ray Peacock, I fully believe that none of that was a lie for the microphones.

Anyway, they got both guests out of the studio, and then they had another hour of their show, just Ray and Ed, and that was different. They said they usually go for extra filth in the last hour, but they don’t really want that after listening to that horrible guest and all his filth (meaning “filth” as in sex talk and “filth” as in unironic misogyny, conflating them in a very uncomfortable way that highlights how careful they normally are to keep them apart, it also highlights how well they keep ironic misogyny apart from unironic misogyny, as soon as they had to interact with a guy who doesn’t), the mentioned thinking they need a shower.

Shortly after that, Ray put on the Ben Folds cover of Bitches Ain’t Shit (a song that Kitson was obsessed with in the 00s and used to play on his radio shows all the time, on the subject of comedians who used to do ironic bigotry but pulled back on that once the world moved to a point where it’s not so simple or okay). Ray introduced it by saying they’re going to play this now because bitches aren’t shit, and then he added “That’s not my real opinion I’m just introducing the song”. I had never heard Ray Peacock do that before. I’ve sometimes heard him say it in interviews, or when talking about something he’s done before – he’ll describe his own words and actions as ironic. But I’ve never heard him making a joke, and immediately before or after the joke, clarify that he doesn’t really mean it. He just lets the irony be obvious, which is always is.

Partway through the song, Ray and Ed started talking over it, explaining the obvious, that the misogyny in this song is ironic, it’s Ben Folds ironically covering a Snoop Dogg song, the original song may actually not have been ironic but the cover is. They were sort of semi-ironically explaining that (the irony being that of course they knew we don’t really need that explained, but they felt the need to say it anyway), but even then, they ran into more stuff on this theme, trying to explain that maybe Snoop Dogg was being unironically misogynistic but Ben Folds was only being ironically misogynistic so it’s all okay, but when you put it like that it sounds like a weak defence. Then Ray just turned the song off before it was over, Ed asked him why, he said putting on so much overt misogyny, even ironically, feels genuinely uncomfortable after the interview they’ve just had. And he was right, it did feel uncomfortable. I like that song (the Ben Folds cover, I mean), but I felt uncomfortable hearing it in that context. And that seemed like a microcosm of what was happening with ironic misogyny in general in around 2014. A perfect metaphor for it, really. Some guys are having fun and messing around with ironic jokes, then a horrible person comes in and says a bunch of misogynistic stuff and tells stories about exploiting women for real, he leaves, they try to put on a playfully ironically misogynistic song, suddenly it seems less funny. That’s basically what happened to all of culture in the last ten years.

So that was interesting. The last hour of the show was also interesting, because I think it’s the most comfortable with each other Ray and Ed have sounded since the FUBAR Radio run started. That was where this post started – saying I want to follow on from the post I made yesterday that said their dynamic has been slightly less cooperative, they’re a bit more stuck in adversarial roles. Well for the last hour of this show, I think that got a bit better. It’s like they were so relieved to have their guest gone that they just had a great time with each other. They did Ed’s Amazing Births and it actually worked, Ed relaxed into the silliness easily. It ended with Ray doing more Meatloaf karaoke and Ed talking over it about how bad this is (I’ve realized this will be a running feature, which I still don’t think is as good as Ray and Ed singing Meatloaf together, but I am finding it funnier as it goes along), but it felt vaguely cathartic and they sounded like they were having a good time.

What a fucking roller coaster for one three-hour episode. Maybe all they needed was a common enemy. Maybe they got along so well in the early days because they were united against Raji James, and they united so hard against Raji that they were able to ride that wave of being in synch with each other for years, and it didn’t start to fade until 2014, when a misogynistic porn actor brought them back together (not really, obviously I know what actually happened is they stopped spending all their time together and Ed started outgrowing Ray in a variety of ways, but I like my theory better).

2 notes · View notes

kamidukki · 2 years

Note

uGHHHH tumblr is quite glitchy today and i'll resend this ask

anyWAY i remember i saw aknk official posted something a few days ago(?) and announced that episode 3 is almost completed JAJZJANS i'm so ready for the upcoming angst + drama and possible butler being demonized again but ofc i'll be hurt again AAAAAA i remember the pain and worry when haures got captured then it WAS A CLIFFHANGER leaving me quite emotional for a few days waiting for the last update for episode 2 🤣 also im really curious amd want to know more about the butlers' past especially berrien and fennesz 💖

to be honest, berrien is so mysterious and kind of suspicious you dont even know if his actions are really genuine or... not hMMMMMMM 👁👁

OH AND- i saw a jp theory a long time ago, it was a comparison between haures holding his hand out to master and berrien holding out his left hand and aND apparently, it has a meaning!

when someone is holding out their right hand to you, it means the person liked you or comfortable with you

however if someone is holding out their left hand to you..... it means they dislike you or distaste.

guess who's holding out their left hand? BERRRIIEIEIEIEENNNNNAJJSWJAJJA the way my heart broke when i saw that theory lol 🤣

i know its just a coincidence i know BUT imagine the gut wrenching angst if berrien dislikes his master all this time JAJZJAJAJAJA i'll cry for real if it becomes true 🤣 berrien is one of my fave 🥺

-zella

Hi, zella!

There's a whole lot to unpack in this ask, so I'm putting the 'aknk' and 'akuneko' tag in this in case someone else also want to give their two cents.

❗⚠ [Spoiler alert, read with caution] ⚠❗

Putting aside Berrien, it'll be such a plot twist if Fennesz get demonized next because everyone (mostly) is predicting butler from either the 3rd floor or the basement to be the center in the next episode's stage 👀 If I remember correctly, Fennesz is currently the one who notices Berrien's different 'aura' when he asked about Haures' demonisation at the end of episode 2...? It would be great if he could play an important role in the future, episode 3 or not, because of that 🤔

I take it this is the announcement you mentioned, right?

I'm so excited about the next episode too. It's going to be distributed throughout the entirety of the year 2023, it seems? I certainly can't wait to be emotionally devastated once again. Episode 2 was really, really great, wasn't it? 😊

Since we're still in the topic of official announcement... I'd like to go off tangent a bit and talk about the third bullet point. It said, if my understanding is correct, the implementation of full voice acting in episode 2 and and episode 2.5 will be the last ones that come free. From there onwards, they will come into two parts, free and paid ones. Seems like we'll need to pay an additional fee if we want to unlock the voice...? I'm not entirely sure about this one actually. Anyone with a better grasp of Japanese feel free to correct.

I mean, I'm happy if Akuneko's doing well financially and the people who contribute to it, illustrators and voice actors alike, are getting paid well. On the other hand, as a money-wise poor af person, I'm anxious I won't be able to buy it... 😭 I doubt it will come cheaply after all

Moving on to Berrien, this is the tweet that speculated the right/left hand gesture, isn't it? I'm putting a link a there just in case someone either hasn't seen it/wants some context.

I think we all will cry if Berrien hates us 😂 but it's such a delicious theory, an unprecedented move from a joseimuke game should it ever come true. I mean, the most loving, kind-looking male cast that genuinely hates and/or betrays the players at a certain point??? If Akuneko does that, hats off for the bravery. I don't know if they will be able to pull such move though, given the risk of losing players is too big.

And, oh, I'll cry with you too, that's for sure 😭 I also love Berrien too muchー if anything , he is the reason I play Akuneko. But then again I live off the angst and the drama... Well, don't we all, though 😂

#anon ask #zella anon #aknk #akuneko

30 notes · View notes

randomestfandoms-ocs · 2 years

Text

So, I’m back

Tentatively, at least. I’m going to give it a try, I guess is what I should say, but I don’t want to do that without acknowledging some of what happened in May. This is going to be a long post, so as a very loose outline I’m going to start with the overall Tumblr shit, the May stuff, and my decision to go awol for almost six months. After that, I’m going to talk a bit about the CK situation, and then at the end I’m going to outline my general plan going forward. (but, this is a very very long post, so I’ll be putting a lot of it under a cut)

First and foremost, I’m sorry. I know that I have hurt a lot of people, I have been inconsiderate, stubborn, and prideful, and although it was never my intention to hurt anyone, it doesn’t undo the harm that I’ve caused to people that I care very much about. There is nothing that I can say that will erase that damage, but I am so incredibly sorry all the same. None of what I’m going to say in the rest of this post undoes the hurt that I’ve caused. I can offer explanations, apologies, and plans for moving forward, but I’m not looking to pretend that nothing happened. All I can say is that I am truly sorry to everyone who I hurt.

I never copied an oc or an edit on purpose. That doesn't mean there were never similarities between my creations/ocs and other people's, whether that be total coincidence or having seen/been inspired by others' work unconsciously, and I am sorry that when people would contact me about issues like this, I would get really defensive. That wasn't right of me, especially to shut down conversation about it when i know creators love their ocs and work so hard on their projects and are so close to them.

It’s not fair for me to dictate how people express their concerns, but I know that much of my pushback and defence came when confronted point blank with "you copied/stole from me", because I did feel attacked. My immediate reaction was always harsh and emotional, that no, I can’t steal an idea when I didn’t know existed, and I didn't go looking for things to copy. That defensiveness has definitely made me shut down conversations where I’d probably have been better off responding “hey, definitely wasn’t deliberate, didn’t know you had something similar, can we talk about this more so I can make changes and make them more different ?". I would feel attacked, and get my back up, that people would say these things to me. I like to think that I responded better to messages like “hey, I’m uncomfortable with how similar these are” or “hey, I started x trend and you should credit me”, and I do have people who I worked this out with like that, but I also understand that some might feel differently, and it wasn't fair of me to base my accountability and courtesy on the criteria of how nicely someone who probably felt defensive and hurt in their own right approached me about it.

I’m not planning to make any further posts on the subject because it’s admittedly a big complicated mess and there’s a lot to say, so I tried to touch on all of the basics here, but for anyone who would like to talk more about anything in this post (or about anything else, really), my DMs are open and I’m happy to talk. I’m not going to pretend that this one post erases everything that has happened, I know that it doesn’t, but I don’t think that I can achieve anything more in messy public posts; I really feel that anything more can only really happen in proper conversations.

I’m not looking to talk shit or unpack a bunch of drama or anything, so I’m going to keep this part very short. On a personal level, in early May I had only just started a new job and was working, on average, 16-18 hours a day. I was waking up between 6 and 7 every morning for the first job, then getting home around 2 from the second, with barely enough time in between to have a meal and get changed. I was tired and snappy and overwhelmed as can be without including anything from Tumblr. I will be the first to admit that I was not in a particularly good place, so when everything started, I got incredibly defensive. Obviously external circumstances don’t justify my behaviour and I hate that I hurt someone that I considered a close friend, but that was where things started.

From there I don’t know everything that happened, I assume that various conversations were going on that I wasn’t a part of, but I received very hurtful messages from a few people I had considered among my best friends. By then I was already regretting how I’d handled the initial situation and was just too hurt and stubborn to admit it, but I didn’t want to hurt anyone else or cause more damage by lashing out again, so I quit Tumblr. I deleted the app from my phone during a shift after getting these messages and when I got home from work I unfollowed every oc blog that I’d been following, signed out, and closed Tumblr on my computer. I know that my decision to unfollow everyone also hurt people, and I’m so so so fucking sorry that I didn’t communicate with anyone before (or, frankly, after) doing so – it boiled down to the fact that I knew that I wouldn’t be able to completely leave Tumblr if the urge to “oh just take a quick look and see what’s going on” was still there. I’m very good at justifying myself and I would have convinced myself that it was always just once or just to check on [all of my friends]. I knew that I needed a clean break and work through things for myself and on my own time first so that I could then approach things calmly and with an open mind, and while I don’t regret taking that hiatus, I absolutely regret being so callous and inconsiderate with how I did it.

And, I won’t deny, I was also feeling extremely hurt and needed to leave for my own wellbeing. I know that I was defensive and dismissive myself, but seeing what I thought was an argument with a friend turn into dozens of posts about everything apparently wrong with me was overwhelming and hurtful and I knew that staying online through that would only make me more defensive and more inclined to lash out. I understand that some people felt that I wasn’t hearing them out privately and felt that this was the best way to communicate and I can’t hold that against them, but I still believe that it was entirely uncalled for that people who I’d never once talked to were jumping on this bandwagon and making statements as if they were involved. I’m not looking to deflect blame for the hurt that I caused, but quite frankly I was not the only person who reacted badly during that time period and I’m not looking to pretend that I wasn’t incredibly hurt by other people’s actions as well.

I definitely wasn’t planning to take almost six months off, but once I started the hiatus, I started to realize two things. First of all, my mental health and presence in my own life was so much better without Tumblr, and second of all, that the particular inciting incident was really just a side effect of a much bigger problem in my overall relationship with Tumblr, and I realized that there was no way that I could return until I’d really figured out the roots of the problem and how to fix it. After all, I can apologize all I want for what happened (and as flippant as this may sound, I really am incredibly sorry), but it would be completely worthless if I didn’t take the time to improve my behaviours and figure out how to avoid repeating toxic patterns. I kind of lucked out in that some shit was going on in my workplace (some shit with a coworker and extensive shit with my manager; I’ve now quit that job and I’m much happier for it) that, while different, stemmed from a lot of the same places in my head, which made it much easier to start identifying those issues. After that, it was really a matter of figuring out practical solutions and making sure that I was in a position to return to Tumblr without falling back into shitty behaviour and hurting other people and, frankly, damaging my own mental health again. That took a lot longer but I’ve started to build a plan for it, which is just a little bit further down!

So, that’s the summary of May and why I disappeared. But, the other thing that happened in May (though admittedly not a factor in the hiatus) was the Codename Kryptonite situation, so I’m going to touch on that next. This is going to be even more rambly because frankly (as will be very clear) my brain was a fucking mess with all of it and I can barely process it let alone explain it, but I’d rather give a very messy disjointed explanation than totally ignore it.

So, the long story short of it is yes, that was me.

Honestly, the CK stuff was something that spiralled far more than I meant for it to until I didn't know what to do. I'd made it with just the intention of working on original stuff separate from my fanfic stuff and related drama. At the time, original work also didn’t get much traction in the oc community, so it was intended to me more of a writerblr situation. Then people were talking to me which I hadn’t really planned for and I got a couple of asks about fandom ocs and was kind of like "okay i guess?" which is where the fandom oc stuff started. I was just trying to engage with people’s creations and generally be positive because I didn’t want to seem like a bitch who posted my own shit but ignored everyone else, but then people started actually talking to me too (outside of the handful of people who knew it was me, so I never had concerns about talking to them) and I started to feel like not responding/trying to be friends would be bitchy and hurt people, so I went along with it and told myself I’d just be nice but didn’t need to be Super Social. Like I wouldn’t ignore people but I wouldn’t go out of my way to start conversations either.

But the longer that went on, the more of a disconnect there was in my brain where like, ik this does sound ridiculous, but it did start to feel almost like being two different people, including interacting with other blogs (in messages, asks, giveaways, and posts) as if they were two entirely different people. Obviously this wasn’t the slightest bit okay and I am so fucking sorry to everyone who I hurt in the process. There is no good justification for it, all that I can say is that I never meant to hurt or betray anyone and I’m so sorry. Rather than make the reasonable judgement that there was clearly a bigger fucking problem and that it should be a sign that I needed to step back from everything, I dug my heels in further and devoted myself even more to working on CK-and-related content. I’m not even sure why, but it felt like the right choice at the time — except the more that I dug that hole, the harder it was to take a step back, even when there was a part of me that knew that I needed to. Looking back it’s really obvious that it was unhealthy and harmful, both to myself and the people around me, but even when it was killing me to try to stay on top of two blogs, I couldn’t figure out how to just like… stop.

I know that doesn’t make a lot of sense and definitely doesn’t make it okay, but my intention was never to hurt or betray anyone and I really truly hate that I did. Taking a full break from tumblr for a while now has definitely helped me realize how much of a toxic cycle it had become (partially externally but a whole lot of it was obviously self made) which is why I took so long figuring out how to go back without falling back into those patterns, which is the last thing that I'd ever want to do.

I hurt a lot of people that I really care about on tumblr, but my relationship with the whole oc creation thing (not the community specifically but the way that I handled creating ocs and pushing myself to create so many edits) was also damaging to myself and a lot of my irl relationships, and I think that a lot of it is stuff that like... in the many, many moments I couldn't see how out of hand things had gotten (not just with the ck/fanhub stuff but also with my main, my mental health, and my online and irl relationships) but now that I have some distance from it it's like, so blatant. I don’t mean any of this in a "i hope that makes sense bc i'm right and blameless" or whatever because like, i know it was fucked up and entirely my fault, but I hope I did a halfway comprehensible job of explaining what I'm still trying to work through/understand. And again, to everyone that I hurt, I’m so sorry. There’s not much more that I can say because obviously there isn’t a good excuse, but I promise that my intention was never to hurt, mislead, or betray anyone.

So… what does this mean now?

Tbh, answering that question is what’s taken me the longest in coming back. Like, okay, figuring out what some problems are is great and all, but it’s not worth much if I can’t figure out a way to fix them. So I tried to look at a few of the main problems that I’ve had, and I have a few things that I’m going to be trying. This is not an exclusive list, and I am definitely open to suggestions (I’ll talk more about that in point 5/6), but this is both an outline for you all to know that I’m not just talking out of my ass saying that I’ll change and then doing the exact same shit, and a guideline to myself of concrete ways to try to improve, both for myself and the rest of this community.

1. Less giveaways. I’m not saying none ever again, but I need to cut back. This isn’t something that’s exclusive to Tumblr by any means (tbh I became aware of it because of an issue with a coworker and then realized I’ve done it my entire life including on Tumblr) but I have a desperate need to feel liked and in order to achieve it, I end up constantly doing things for people to try to convince them to like me, only to then get incredibly burned out and end up resentful of feeling like people only use me to get things. I love to surprise people with gifts, but I need to change how I approach that. I might still do giveaways on occasion (maybe for milestones, tbd) but I’m going to focus more on being supportive to the friends that I do have instead of trying to convince people who don’t care that they should like me. I’m going to try to stick to making surprise gifts when the inspiration strikes and, when the usual giveaway urge strikes, I’m going to try to reach out to those people and ask what they’d like instead of overwhelming myself to the point that I can no longer enjoy what I’m doing.

I don’t mean this to be petty or to “punish” anyone, not in the slightest. But I spent so long hosting giveaways to convince people I’d never interacted with to like me and I put so much energy into making gifts for people who only tolerated me at best and in the process I lost sight of the friends who were actually there for me, and of my own limits (both mentally and in my time and ability to create). I’m not looking to stop making gifts for people, not even close, but I need to learn that friendship isn’t transactional – I can’t, and shouldn’t, put so much time into making gifts as a bribe to get people to like me. It’s not healthy or realistic, and I’d much rather spend my time doing things for people who’s friendship isn’t conditional and who I want to show my appreciation for.

2. Limiting my posting. As some of you know, I spent about two years following an absurdly intense edit schedule that had me posting three or four times a day every day. In retrospect, that was bullshit. I convinced myself that if I just posted more and more, it would get more people interested and engaging with my content, and I was hilariously wrong. I ended up incredibly burned out and stressed trying to keep up with it, by trying to rush through it my edits ended up mediocre and repetitive, and I overwhelmed everyone else with edits to the point that no one (including me) could even really enjoy any of it, not to mention that often by the time I reached an edit in the list, I would have totally lost inspiration for that oc .

My logic started out strong; I had other shit going on and couldn’t always be editing and I’m painfully indecisive at times, so having a schedule meant that I could have edits ready ahead of time when I knew I’d be away from my computer and I wouldn’t lose all of my time trying to decide what to do, but it got out of hand (a recurring theme of this post, so something I’m very very focused on improving). I’ve spent the past few months only editing when I’m really inspired by something, and it’s been so much better. I’m having fun, I’m learning a few new techniques, and I think that my edits are turning out all the better for it. So, that’s what I’m going to try to keep doing. I have a list of edit ideas already, 50 of which are done and drafted, so I will be putting those into a queue (for only once a day now) and continuing to edit only as inspiration strikes.

My hope is that having so many edits already done will limit my anxiety about needing to churn out more content and will allow me to instead continue to have fun and follow my muse. I haven’t decided if new ideas will be jumped to the top of the queue or simply added to the bottom (probably some of both), but ideally this will not only allow me to enjoy my own work again but will also make it easier to spend time enjoying others’ creations without feeling like I’m somehow slacking or wasting time by not constantly pushing myself to make more.

3. Limiting my availability. One of the external factors in my initial decision to leave Tumblr was that I was just too fucking overwhelmed. At the time, I had only just started a new job and was working, on average, 16-18 hours a day. I was waking up between 6 and 7 every morning for the first job, then getting home around 2 from the second, with barely enough time in between to have a meal and get changed. Obviously this doesn’t excuse anything, and I’m not trying to, but it’s a fact. When I’m that overwhelmed and exhausted to begin with, it’s impossible for me to stay rational and reasonable here on Tumblr, and the extent to which everything here was overwhelming me was having a severe impact on my mental health and job performance, which is what led to my deleting Tumblr mid shift in the first place. Obviously, I don’t want that to happen again, so I’m going to work to set boundaries for myself. While my edits will run on queue and I might mindlessly reblog things to my main throughout the day, I’m going to limit how much time I dedicate to Tumblr, and particularly this blog.

I am back to only working one job now (thank god) but it still takes up a lot of time, I have offline hobbies, and some of the best friends I’ve ever had. Prior to my hiatus, I was always on Tumblr. During my breaks (sometimes during shifts, too), while with my family, while with my friends, I felt that people would get mad if I didn’t make myself constantly available and so I did. Going forward, I’m going to greatly reduce that. I’m not going to use Tumblr at all at work (including on my breaks) or when I’m with my friends, and I’m just generally going to spend less time online. This will make me slower to respond to people, which is something that has always caused me anxiety, but I feel that it is imperative for my wellbeing that I do not let Tumblr become all encompassing again.

4. Scrapping ocs. Look, if we’re talking about things that have gotten out of hand, we all know that this is at the top of the list. Obviously I have a lot of ideas, and I don’t regret that, but there are so many that I know I’ll never ever use. Plot bunnies that I just don’t care about, times that I went “oh that would be cool” but had no real ideas, fcs that I wanted to use just for the sake of using them, fandoms I’m no longer into… there are a lot of reasons that they exist, but it only adds to my feeling overwhelmed and burning everyone else out. So, I went through all of my masterlists and made lists of ocs to scrap. Some will just be completely deleted (I won’t rule out the possibility of getting reinspired, but I think it’s unlikely), while others will be put on hiatus.

The ones that I’m getting rid of will be removed from all of my masterlists (maybe one day I’ll look at making a plot bunny book/auction so that they don’t go completely to waste and other people can use them), and the ones being put on hiatus will be deleted from my mobile master lists and marked as Inactive on my desktop masterlists. Those are ones that I feel more likely to eventually want to go back to, hence not deleting them completely, but that I’m unlikely to work on in the near future. I think that it will be good for me to get used to the idea that not every oc needs to be forever, as that has been an ongoing source of difficulty for me for quite some time.

(my mobile masterlists are already updated accordingly and I have the codes ready for my desktop masterlists, I’m just waiting to have javascript enabled — but I also plan to go back through masterlists regularly to see if, with time, there aren’t more ocs that I’m ready to table)

5. Communication. I’m going to be honest here, I know that I’m prone to being stubborn and self righteous and that I lash out when I feel cornered or attacked. It’s a part of who I am and it’s something that I’ve been working on for a long time, but that doesn’t mean that I’m perfect at it. So, basically, this is something that I’m going to keep working on. And that means setting some boundaries. First and foremost, I will not be engaging with any hateful anons. If you have something to say to me, put your name behind it. And with that, I will not be engaging in serious conversations through asks. I just don’t think that the format is good for real conversations – my DMs are open and I’m always happy to share my discord, but that will be it. And I know that not everyone will like this choice. I think asks are great for a lot of things, and they can be a great place for chit chat, but I don’t think that it’s suited to important conversations.

I’m also going to connect this with my being less available – I’m not looking to ignore messages, but I’m not online 24/7, and I will respond when I have time. I might also need to take time to think about things. In these situations, when I am online and see the message, I will acknowledge them. It might be as simple as “hey, I’m not ignoring you but I only have a few minutes, I’ll get back to you when I have time to talk!” or (one I do wish I’d used in the past) “feeling [hurt/angry/surprised/etc], let me take a day/two days to think about this so that I can chat with a clear head”. I know that the second one likely seems like a copout, but like I said, I get mean when I feel defensive, and the best way for me to manage that is to take a step back and actually think about what someone is saying, that way I’m almost guaranteed to be able to think clearly and see their perspective instead of lashing out. I’m hoping to eventually reach a point where I can do that without needing the extra time, but I’m not there yet and I would rather take time than hurt anyone.

6. Accountability. This is kind of a continuation of the last point, but I felt like it was time for a paragraph break. Like I said, I’m not unaware of my flaws, and I know that just because I never meant to hurt people doesn’t mean that I never did. But I want to do better, and that means taking accountability for my actions. So, this is an invitation, I guess? If I have hurt you (or if I do in the future, no matter how hard I’ll try not to), please feel free to reach out to me to talk things through. I know that I already said this, but I’m working on taking a step back and considering my actions before simply lashing out, and I know that there is existing baggage to unpack and work to be done in that regard, and for people who would like to, the offer stands. However, I’m not going to reach out to anyone myself at this point. I know that I’ve hurt people and I know that there are people who, by this point, would prefer to simply have nothing to do with me, and I don’t want to disregard anyone’s boundaries who have moved on and don’t want to unpack old wounds. While there are many people that I miss and would love to fix things with, it’s not just about me and I want to respect everyone’s choice on what’s best for them to move forward. But with all of that, I am not going to discuss things with third parties. Anyone who would like to discuss general hurts or concerns is more than welcome of course, but anything that has happened between myself and any specific person is something that is exclusively between me and them. I know that this will be an unpopular take, but I have limited faith in the third party side of things now. Over the years I have received asks and messages from supposed well-meaning bystanders trying to bring up conflicts that don’t exist.

There have been some that try to cause drama with people who I knew didn’t feel certain ways, bringing up “issues” that had long since been talked out, and many other instances where people were clearly just trying to start fights that I don’t wish to fuel. I also just don’t want to talk about people behind their backs. Over the years (and not just relating to Tumblr) I have gotten caught up in friend groups where a lot of time is spent complaining about other people, only to then look back and realize that I have no idea what someone else’s relationship with them is – I don’t want to let other people’s anger and resentment serve as a fuel to my own pettiness anymore, and I believe that the first step to that is to simply not talk about anyone with other people. There are still people that I want to reach out to individually to apologize and (only if they’re willing) talk things out, but I won’t be doing that immediately. Just because I’ve had the past several months to reflect on how I’d feel and what I’d like to say, and to mentally prepare for a return to tumblr, doesn’t mean that everyone else has too. Which isn't to say that I won't ever reach out to anyone but I'd rather give people a bit of time too. Just because I'm ready (or ready ish) to be back on tumblr doesn't mean that everyone is going to be ready or want to talk to me and I don't want to make anyone feel cornered or pressured to reply if they either want time to think about my post themselves or just want to move on and leave everything in the past, so I’ve made a personal timeline (shared with a friend to maintain some accountability to it) so that I can give people a chance to actually know that I’m back online and to think (if they’d like) about this post rather than reaching out when people might not even know that I’ve returned at the risk of catching people off guard or making them feel uncomfortable and/or cornered.

With this, I’m also offering this list as an outline of how I’m hoping to improve. If anyone has constructive suggestions (I know I’m hardly the only person who’s ever struggled with various aspects of Tumblr and engaging in this community), please feel free to send them over (privately or as asks or on anon, whatever works for you!) and while I can’t guarantee that everything will be right for me, I will absolutely give them consideration. And, too, with this list as a bit of a guide, if you notice that I’m starting to stray from this or fall into old behaviours or fuck up in any way – I’m hoping not to but it would be beyond conceited to pretend that I’m incapable of mistakes – please feel free to let me know! All that I can do is try to be better, but I’m not infallible and the best way to do this is to catch onto toxic patterns before I can spiral, and help in that regard is always appreciated

7. Following. Relating to one of the points that I made in the last paragraph, I’m not going to go back and start following everyone right now. As I mentioned much earlier, I feel that my decision to unfollow everyone and leave Tumblr with no warning was rash and not entirely thought out, but it did happen, and it did hurt people. I don’t want to just act like nothing ever happened and everything is hunky dory, and I’m sure that there are people that I previously followed who would prefer to have nothing to do with me anymore. I respect that and I’m not looking to force anyone into rekindling friendships that they no longer want, but that does mean that to avoid that, I’m going to be careful with following. I don’t know how to phrase it in a way that doesn’t sound petty or selfish but basically like, at least for now (at until I’ve been able to talk to people who want to talk), I’m only going to be following people who are either following me, engaging with my content, or who I’ve talked to. I don’t know how best to gauge this in the long term, but for now that’s kind of the only benchmark I have to know who might be comfortable with my presence, and I’d rather be very slow and careful about this than make anyone uncomfortable who doesn’t want me following

I can’t promise that this is the perfect recipe. I won’t know without trying. But I am going to try. Not only do I want to actually be able to enjoy Tumblr again, but I hate knowing that I hurt people that I really really care about because I was careless and too stubborn to consider that I should change. So, I’m going to do my best to stick with these changes and to let myself be held accountable when I fuck up. And it might not work, I might find that this is all great in theory but returning to Tumblr pulls me back into toxic mindsets and behaviours, in which case I will need to take another step back and reconsider again. But I do promise that if that happens, I will stick to my communication goals and inform people of my decision instead of simply ghosting again.

Again, I’m sorry. I know that doesn’t make up for anything that’s happened and I can never say it again, but that doesn’t mean that it doesn’t need and deserve to be said. I’m sorry.

(and a sorry to everyone I’ve ignored over the past several months, I’m going to start working on getting back to people asap!)

#okay to reblog #(but not conversing in replies / reblogs)

13 notes · View notes

kenovele · 1 year

Text

Bogs Blog 32

After our two days in Te Aroha at the start of the week, I took the rest of the week off and we went to Kaitaia. On Friday it is a public holiday for Martariki/ the Māori New Year. The Māori are people who like many tribes, live by the moon, the tides and the planting season, so as we head out of winter and start to sew the seeds for summer, the Māori year begins. This day also coincides with the arrival of a star constellation in our skies called the Seven Sisters or Martariki. But for us, it just meant a good excuse to take a long weekend and head up to see Grant and Jill in Kaitaia!

The idea was to also follow Jamie up to Kaitaia to give him the proper send off for starting his van trip. It has been long delayed, I think he was initially supposed to start his trip after his birthday in May, but despite the setbacks, he has now started and it worked out pretty well for us too. On Tuesday night we drove up to Ellerslie to stay with my Aunty and Uncle as we were also taking Jasper with us. We had a nice dinner with them before having an earl night as we were planning on hitting the road early. We woke up at 4.30, Jojo, my Aunt, also woke up as she had the flower market, so at 4.30am we were all up, had our morning coffees and then we were on the road. Starting in Ellerslie and before all of the traffic was a great call, by 7am we were half way there and the trip was pretty fast. We had a break at half time and went for a walk in Whangarei near the waterfall and surrounding New Zealand bush. It was a stunning walk and a lovely way to start our morning and stretch our legs. The New Zealand bush is really something that you don’t see anywhere else, it is so dense with vegetation, every layer of the bush has something growing and competing for light. Benoit and I love walking, checking out the wildlife, flora and faun and doing our best to identify as many of the trees as possible. Once we arrived at Grant and Jills, we had lunch with everyone, as always the first shared meal is a long one, full of catch up stories and laughs. Then Jasper, Benoit and I headed out to the bach to get unpacked and check out the surf. Jamie had bought all our surfboards up for us, so luckily we didn’t have to drive 5 hours with them on top of my car, but so worth it as we had a great time playing in the waves that first day. I was actually surprised with myself, I was keen to get in the water and use up some energy, and try catch some waves. That first afternoon we just surfed outside the bach as the waves looked pretty good and we were happy to just have a play. But since then, Benoit had his sights set on the well known surfer spot, shipwrecked bay. Like the name suggests there is what is left of an old shipwreck in the bay. What remains is only the boiler room, but at low tide you can see what isn’t buried by the sand and years of salt water erosion. The bay is small with a near perfect left hand break. The waves were small for the rest of the weekend and the conditions were perfect for beginners. We spent a few hours every day surfing, enjoying the clear cold water, the sun on our faces and a the feeling of gliding along either while paddling out or catching the occasional wave. We were all happy with our progress and I think a few more days and a few of surfing sessions would have been appreciated.

Apart from surfing we spent time with Grant and Jill, we helped Jamie with some serious repairs on his van. He is currently tackling quite a few projects on the van and is slowly regretting the fact that he built such a masterpiece in a van with so many problems. We spent a significant amount of time grinding out areas that were rusted through, painting it with rust kill, priming and re-painting them. It is a long process and one that really makes your realise how much rust was already in the van, but one that is luckily fixable. While Benoit and Jamie were doing that, I wrote ‘The Travelling Wood Turner’ on the Vans sides, first in pencil and then I went over it in paint. He did want to have one of his friends do it in spray paint, but he ran out of time, so I was on signwriting duties. It was a fun task and much better than grinding out rust. Grantie had the task of building a lathe attachment to the back of the van. The idea is to turn wood during his travels and raise money for suicide awareness, so one of the integral parts of the trip requires the capability to be able to turn his wood. He bought a little lathe that is smaller and lighter than his existing one, and then Grant and Jamie designed and welded up an attachment to the back of his van to support it. It is quite a large box despite being one of the smallest lathes he could buy so it is not an easy task. They plan to attach it to the towbar but they are still in the development phase so I am not yet sure how it turned out.

On Sunday morning we left the winterless north, with slight tans on our faces from the hours spent in the salt water and sun and with a heavy muscle fatigue from surfing and the sea air. It is always a treat to head up north, to see family, to enjoy the quieter and more simple side of life. One where most problems are solved with a beer at the end of the day, and simple pleasures like a good meal or a win for the All Blacks is all that you need. We were so blessed with the weather these last few days, it almost felt like summer, maybe we should come live here for a while?

Love Kate xxx

0 notes

apollos-boyfriend · 2 years

Note

I am forcibly dragging you back to the stage GIVE ME MORE KNOWLEDGE

OKAY IVE BEEN THINKING ABOUT IT MORE. since i did not watch The Dog's stream i will b referencing this post for most of my rambling.

so like. the first thing that sticks out to me is the canonization of the dream smp, obviously, but also empires. and this is for two reasons: both of these canons already have multiple realities/universes canonized within them. for the dream smp, we have c!cpk, who's a canonical dimension hopper; and for empires, we have shrub, who's backstory consists of her dimension-hopping onto the lands of s1 after her homeland was razed. cpk isn't what i'm gonna really focus on here, because to my knowledge, we don't really know a lot about his backstory (at least, not that i can find on the wiki. it doesn't even mention his dimension hopping, but considering its the dream smp wiki, i'm not surprised). i wanna focus on shrub.

so, shrub's backstory has her world being razed due to aeor banishing cohnal and exor's spirit; however, we also know that exor and aeor were gods in the lands of the empires smp. JUST like mianite, gods seem to exist in multiple (all?) realities, which is a SUPER interesting concept!! i'm using it, combined with mianite, to solidify this as more of a fact than a theory, going by the giga-verse concept. it also solidifies alternate realities existing in general, with c!pk possibly solidifying other realities in general (as in, not mirrors/similar to ours, but completely different realities with completely different people).

it also brings up an interesting possibility of, despite all existing within the same universe, each planet/solar system possibly being made by a different god. it'd explain how the gods were all still real, but how XD was able to make the dream smp and mianite was able to make, well, mianite. there's not "one" true creator, resposible for all of creation and the universe, but multiple ones designated to their own segments of reality.

REALLY focusing in on mianite though, i bring up my all-time favorite piece of lore: our universe is canon to their reality as another alternate dimension. by extension, that means our universe is canon to the dream smp, hermitcraft, empires, everything. and not in the sense that chat is canon, or twitter is canon, our actual reality. where their realities are just stories spun by creators behind a stream, broadcasted to hundreds of thousands around the world for entertainment. cc!ranboo is canon to the mcyt giga-verse, although in a different reality. that's not an au (not in the typical au sense, at the least), that's canon baby!!

i have so many more thoughts about the concept of death and the afterlife and whether it's the same throughout all planets/solar systems/galaxies, the implications of reincarnation and other lives, but that's. for another time. i have brainrotted enough here i think.

#muse talk #anon #ive been thinking about this SO much #do you think mcc is a planet. or a whole solar system #is each game played on a different planet #like small planets obviously not earth-sized ones. maybe dwarf planets #i think it'd be super interesting if mcc was set on a main planet #but every game is played on one of its moons or otherwise orbiting bodies #empires being its own galaxy is also SO interesting #bc what about gem. there are two gems. in the same universe. it's not an alternate one. two women named gem exist.#they have the same voice. the same face. similar enough mannerisms. what does that imply?#is it a coincidence? is there something else? much to unpack. i think i would like to map this out someday.

29 notes · View notes

freuleinanna · 2 years

Text

It's always trauma o'clock somewhere! Especially for these kids who had to come home and lie about why they returned from the camp a day later. They hardly had a chance to unpack the recent trauma, but I think this is how the HQ massacre affected their lives afterwards.

Jacob, as many others, chose a half-truth and told his parents that some jerk broke the car to stay with his girlfriend. He omitted the part where that jerk was him. Couldn't bear that guilt.

He was a decent swimmer and wanted to maybe take it professionally, but the next time he found himself at the pool, he completely froze at the signal. He never dived in that day. He stared at the blue-tiled water, and he saw the chains and the overblown body.

He found Emma on Instagram and, for a while, he was checking it obsessively, hoping she'd talk about what happened or mention it in some way, any way. He wanted to stop being so alone in knowing the truth and living with it. Emma never did that.

Emma, actually, fell silent for almost 2 months after her return. She'd speak the bare minimum, but never an actual conversation, never a joke. The happy, bubbly girl simply wasn't there. Her parents even took her to a teen therapist with little to no result.

Emma had stopped streaming for a while, although she still kept her Insta. One time she almost posted a selfie from that day, before the nightfall. Almost.

Some time later, she set up a really non-Emma-esque live stream. She was sitting in silence, looking at the sunset, the comment section was overflowing, and sometimes Emma would pick a question to answer from there. Many thought she was doing some sort of spiritual cleanse. She only spoke without a prompt for the first time when she saw Abi joining the stream.

For Abi, it was nightmares. That simple, that efficient. Dark forests, mist, dangerous beasts lurking around. What else to screw with the sleep of a sweet, tender person?

Movies on the background didn't help. Music didn't help. Drawing made everything worse, because in every shape, form, and shadow, beasts were lurking. Whenever she'd pick up a pencil to sketch, she left monsters on the paper. Wherever she looked, she saw monsters. Monsters always looked just a little bit like Nick.

It went on until the night she looked Emma up on Insta and, by pure coincidence, got to her live stream.

Nick blocked most of it out. There wasn't much to remember, but some memories still bled through.

He became the snack guy, the guy who always had something to chew on. It was a small quirk nobody was really paying attention to, but its trail led back to the only thing he did remember: hunger.

Whenever he emailed, Abi never replied.

Ryan, on the contrary, was replying to and receiving a LOT of emails. He was the one to send all the evidence to the Bizarre Yet Bonafide studio, and he also kept in touch with a few other Hacketteers, including Kaitlyn and Dylan.

Another thing he did is meticulously go through all his favorite media (TV & films mostly) and unbooked/deleted everything that dealt with guns being shot or vivid descriptions of wild animals (or their victims). This took him several hard days, but he finally felt safer when he did it.

He only watched something new if Dylan watched it first and gave him an okay.

Dylan, as opposed to Ryan, consumed horror content like his life depended on it. At some point, he even had a special notepad with details of how to defeat or protect yourself from all supernatural dangers and their mother. He kept this notepad on him at all times and often re-read it.

Getting used to not having a hand was slightly easier than he expected. What wasn't easy? That one time when his dad asked him to bring him sth to work. His father, a crane conductor on a construction site, did not expect his grown son to have a full-blown panic attack over a pb&j.

On the other hand (his joke, not mine), he got really close with Ryan and Kat, and they were planning a getaway together.

Kaitlyn was the one to propose the getaway. Despite the general total mindfuck, she managed to keep a cool head on the night of, and, surprisingly, it didn't cost her a hand and a leg (her joke, not mine!)

Thus, she became a healer. Reaching out, making sure. Helping. She didn't make it her sacred goal to help all others, but she tried, and that's what counts.

She kept tabs on Jacob especially. She knew he'd never ask for help. He didn't have to ask. That's what best friends are for.

Max never met any of those people, except Emma. That one time he bit his lip and nearly puked because he thought he remembered the taste of blood.

He topped his steak-cooking up to inventing the well-well-well-done steak without any possibility of there being blood.

Mostly, he just wasn't sure if he knew his own nature anymore. As the whole night was blocked in his mind, he could only trust Laura. And he did. The fact that she looked at him even more lovingly than before told him that if she trusts him, if she loves him, than it's okay.

Laura did trust him and loved him. But she also ran a gazillion of drills per week and kept at least two take-and-run bags in the house, and one in a special place. Clothes, flashlights, crackers, compass, you name it. She was an amateur that last time. Now she was ready for anything.

She took up running as well. She continued with vet studies. Even years after, the first thought that sprung to her mind if someone was butten by an animal was: CUT THE FUCKING LIMB.

Max kept her grounded with his laugh and his honest, sincere warmth. She could have gone really cold inside if it wasn't for him.

#i.... i want to send them to therapy #the quarry #the quarry spoilers #the quarry thoughts #the quarry game #supermassive games #laura kearney #max brinly #jacob custos #emma mountebank #abigail blyg #dylan lenivy #nick furcillo #ryan erzahler #kaitlyn ka

2K notes · View notes

sailorblossoms-snowbaz · 2 years

Note

i would love to hear your meta thoughts on how simon was able to easily say “i love you” to agatha (when he clearly didn’t) but it took him years to (verbally) tell baz

This is a funny coincidence because just a couple of days ago, I was looking for something in CO and ended up re-reading some stuff like the breakup scene (I even took notes lol). There are definitely a lot of interesting things in there (that might not be apparent on first read)

The short answer is: Simon was just saying shit with Agatha because up to that point, he survived with structure.

For the long (so long) (but necessarily so) (or maybe not, but i'm inspired,) answer, let's unpack a bit of comphet and how Simon functioned:

Worth mentioning is that they do have genuine love for each other. They grew up together, and Agatha's line sounds like heteronormativity made them reframe the platonic love they felt as "romance". One of the biggest signs of how much comphet fucked with them is that at end of CO, both make it clear they're not talking to each other, and have no immediate plans to change that (it takes at least a year before they break down and have a good cry together, with Simon's little gay wings on display and Niahm–Agatha's true love interest–present. That's when they can be friends again! When they're ready to start embracing their queerness!) Also: Baz is so very present when they break up. Simon isn't wearing his anti-vampire (anti-gay) cross when Agatha is breaking them out of comphet, and Simon snatches Baz's handkerchief (associated with lovers/courtship/romantic intentions and the like) from Agatha and keeps it for himself, telling us that rather than Simon not wanting Baz to "have Agatha" because of some silly rivalry between the boys, he doesn't want Agatha to have Baz. He doesn't want anyone to have him, but him. (And how he can't help but go back to his actual, biggest worry: Baz isn't here). (Simon has Baz's handkerchief in his pocket when Baz comes back)

An absolutely key part to understand Simon in CO isn't just that he avoids thinking (a consequence of trauma and neglect: it hurts to think when you can't have it, or can't do anything about it) but what this entails. Simon doesn't process the things he notices, the things that enter his mind. He hides them away even. As a consequence, Simon doesn't know what he wants, he doesn't understand his feelings. He truly doesn't. Simon's wants, needs, and desires: none of these things are even up for consideration for him. When he gets to Watford, he arrives with a role someone else assigned to him, alongside expectations (of an entire community) that will shape his entire adolescence. He gets a structure, and he latches on to it like his life depends on it.

Simon needs directions, he needs "a map" to follow. To survive, he grabbed the map, and he attempted to repress everything about himself that would make him more than just a "mindless", "heartless" soldier, more than the "traditional" hero. This isn't to say Simon isn't smart (he is) or that he doesn't feel shit (he feels so much, and he could never control himself around Baz). But if you are purposedly eliminating "your heart" and your "mind", what else is left, other than performing a role blindly? He purposely operated in ways that would make it very hard for him to answer "Who is Simon, if you remove roles and expectations? What does he want? What is romantic love? How does sexual attraction feel like?" (last 2 questions are particularly hard for someone who isn't straight, likely doesn't experience attraction like the "norm", and is doing everything to avoid figuring himself out)

This is how Simon could spend years genuinely not knowing he's in love with Baz, that the need to jump on him comes from genuine (sexual) attraction–even though those feelings were already there, even though his actions, the way he thought about him and just keeps thinking about him all the time, even when Simon wants to avoid thinking, reveal his true feelings.

Part of this is also why, once he no longer has a role and the structure he has been relying on for so long falls apart, Simon is left feeling so lost and broken. Too much of himself has been shaped by trauma for too long. Once he's out, he doesn't know how to live–he's only ever been surviving.

So much to unpack here. First of all, this makes it clear that for Simon, what's really distressing isn't not dating Agatha, but part of his structure falling apart. It's the going off script. At no point does he think about "feelings for Agatha", about wanting to be with her, specifically, because "he's sure she's the one" or whatever. Nope, he's thinking about his structure. He's thinking about potentially having a family–while noting how there's no emotional connection to her parents; they are polite, but they aren't close! He's thinking about "killing Baz" (we're getting back here in a minute). Most notably, he's thinking about how right now, he isn't happy.

That's the thing with Simon. As much as he wants to avoid it, he's still a boy with hopes and wants and feelings. He doesn't actually want to die in battle, like he was convinced he would (with the way he was living, it wasn't an unlikely scenario). He wants to live. He wouldn't fight the way he does, he wouldn't have such a developed instinct for danger if surviving wasn't his #1 priority. And why does he want to survive? Because he wants to be happy. The future terrifies him, but it doesn't mean he wants no future at all. He has friendship, but he also wants family, he wants romantic love. Dating Agatha and being "welcomed" into her family never fulfilled those needs.

Here, he's telling us that right now, he's unhappy, but he believes that if he continues blindly (and erroneously) holding on to those things (Agatha, her family) he will be. In the future. Because he's thinking about "happy endings": heteronormativity is trapping him. And here's the thing: Simon might not know about "the old stories" in the WoM, but he absolutely knows Normal media ("everyone knows vampires are sexy" he tells Baz in a futile attempt to tell him he thinks Baz is sexy) (you just know he knows about Twilight).

When he's talking about happy endings, he's talking about traditional fairy tales and romances that have no room for anyone who isn't a cis straight person. The kind that assumes straight as the default, and since Simon doesn't know what he wants, he tries to find happiness by following these conventions: the kind that would never even consider that romance and happiness can be found between two boys (or two girls, Agatha was sharing a braincell with Simon here, but that's for another post). The kind that tells you that heroes must rescue damsels, win them over as prizes, and ride into the sunset.

Happy endings for heroes are having "a girl in his arms"–a girl who must conform to very rigid (European) beauty standards–there is a point to even Baz noticing Agatha's "great beauty", it's not just beauty for the sake of it–and she must be completely helpless without "her strong man"–Agatha was likely a target all the time because she's a low powered magician and isn't one for combat, unlike Penny. And this is why Simon latches on to an idea of Agatha, despite not feeling attracted to her, despite not being in love, and not to Penny (who could never fit inside the traditional image of the "damsel", the "fair maiden", the "princess that rides into the sunset" with her frizzy hair, big glasses, and brown skin, who is indispensable in "solving problems and winning", and was likely often rescuing Simon)

This follows this line of thought, and it's very interesting because Simon presents this as proof of "romantic love and attraction", but it's not that at all. This isn't a little boy with a crush. These are the thoughts of a neglected boy, fresh out of care, looking at beauty as strength, as a way to be special. As a tool to make you feel loved and wanted. He has always felt ugly, and he has never felt loved before. It's a very queer moment to me, actually, because this is a boy who will be confined by very rigid gender norms and heteronormativity, thinking "I want to be just like that beautiful girl" and seeking to be (superficially) closer to her to "bask in her light" so maybe, he could be beautiful too. But he didn't have the tools to truly understand his feelings, and so this was reframed inside of heteronormativity, which could only see a boy noticing a girl's beauty as a sign of attraction. (Worth noting that Agatha also fell into comphet because she felt unwanted! obviously, it didn't work out for either of them)

That's also part of why Simon can tell her he loves her, like it's nothing. Because it is nothing. Holding on to this image of her, and to the conventions that tell him that happiness will follow when "they reach" the destination, the happy ending (and not now) is part of the structure. Going along with everything he thinks Agatha would want is also for the sake of keeping the structure intact. When she breaks up with him, she fractures this part of the structure (it's perhaps the first crack after Baz not showing up, that alone guarantees certain "shock") and this also "activates" Simon's abandonment issues. And still, it's not really "Agatha is leaving me" but rather, the idea of the happy ending that Simon has been using to hold on to that is abandoning him.

Also relevant is that in awtwb he tells Baz he isn't sure he even felt anything: it's so much easier to make yourself say things when there's no emotional attachment. And it's also worth mentioning that Simon isn't one to voice his love, that's how you can tell he doesn't mean it either. Simon's love languages are about protecting and providing, it's more about actions. You know Agatha is a loved one because when the three of them are sitting together, and he notes her disassociating and looking tired, despite his complicated relationship with touch, he squeezes her leg to get her attention, and then he does it again to reassure her (not unlike Penny and Simon squeezing each other's hand when in danger, or slowly putting his arms around Penny when she throws herself at him in tears, or even Agatha holding his hands while they cry together).

And then there's Baz. There "killing Baz, so he's not an option". It's not literal, of course, this is the same boy who went out of his goddamn mind when he went missing, who couldn't sleep, eat, or even function properly because he wasn't there. Who stopped eating (food=love and connection) just because Penny casually said "dead vampire".

For Simon to go on like that, blindly and unfeelingly inside of "the structure", then Baz must "be killed". He mustn't be an option for him. Because with Baz, there's no script to follow, there are no roles, there aren't traditional conventions. Choosing to love Baz, for Simon, it's about choosing what Simon wants. It's about himself, and not what others want of him. It's about making himself process his shit, it's about asking questions about his sexuality, about figuring out how romantic love and sexual attraction actually feel like for him. It's about considering his wants, his desires, his needs. He has no guide for that! There's really a before and after for Simon, when he kisses Baz for the first time.

Simon can't help but think about how much he loves Baz. It's so completely different from the kind of thoughts he has during the breakup in CO, where he's thinking about everything (structure, family, mistaken ideas of a person, Baz) but his actual feelings and the actual person who dumped him. But he hasn't managed to say it to Baz because, first of all, Baz and Simon weren't communicating at this point in their relationship. It's also because Simon struggles to voice his actual feelings. It's so different when there's emotional investment: it matters, so much.

This isn't about Simon pulling shit out of his ass with ease because he's not feeling shit. "You can't leave because I love you" he tells Agatha, and it doesn't work because it isn't true. Simon says it easily, because he's not speaking from the heart, he's just parroting conventions (those words are practically magic) in a way that's more akin to "strategy" to defeat an enemy (the enemy being anything that threatened the structure) than actually voicing feelings.

When he tells Baz "I love you", it's so hard because this is coming from the heart, this matters. This is about Simon struggling to voice his true feelings, both because he struggles with verbalizing his thoughts, and because he is so unpracticed in knowing what he actually wants and then saying it. Simon wants. Simon needs. This is Simon answering "why is it so important for him to be with Baz? why should it matter that he wants to try now?". "Because I love you" works now, because it's true. And there's nothing else on his mind other than Baz: how important Baz is to him, and how much he needs Baz to understand what's on his heart.

This is about them starting to communicate too, and realizing how vital it is for them to truly understand each other, instead of just "guessing" and letting their insecurities get the worst of them. It's Simon realizing that Baz can't know for sure he loves him if he doesn't say it (a big part of the problem in the relationship was that they weren't really saying what's in their hearts!) Baz needs to hear it, especially when he has never heard it before. Baz needs Simon to use his words. And it becomes so much easier for Simon to say it (and to say it constantly!) once he's sure that Baz wants him and loves him too, both because it becomes easier for him to voice his wants and needs to Baz, and because it's part of Simon providing, part of Simon taking care of Baz. (He wants to be the one to take care of all of Baz's needs). It's also Baz starting to understand that (killing) to protect and provide is part of how Simon expresses his love (he later compares Simon catching a rat and offering it to him to being gifted a rose, which is an obvious symbol of romance).

#snowbaz #simon snow #baz pitch #agatha wellbelove #baz x simon #carry on #awtwb #wayward son #simon snow trilogy #would u believe it if i told u i had to force myself to keep some thoughts out of this so it wouldnt be so LONG haha

86 notes · View notes

tennessoui · 3 years

Note

would you be willing to go more indepth on the TA au first kiss scene?

i'd be willing to apparently really really really fucking in-depth with the TA au first kiss scene it turns out.

(3.1k, no porn but a lil raunchy there at the end)

This is not the first time Obi-Wan has been over to Anakin’s house. At the start of the semester, back in August, Professor Skywalker had invited all of his TAs to dinner, to introduce himself to them outside of the classroom.

This is different, though. Obi-Wan’s alone as he dismounts from his bicycle and stands it up against the garage door. No one else will join them tonight. Anakin had only asked him over.

If Obi-Wan thinks about that too much, he’s not going to be able to ring the doorbell.

He’s already late as it is, having changed multiple times since Anakin had texted him. What does one wear to the house of one’s professor who one desperately wants to fuck?

Lingerie, obviously. Check.

But on top of that?

He’d gone with a navy blue sweater over a simple t-shirt and jeans. Even still, when Anakin opens the door, he feels immediately overdressed. Anakin’s only wearing a black tank top and dark gray sweatpants that cinch at the ankle.

Alright. It’s official. Obi-Wan doesn’t think he’s going to survive the night.

“Obi, great!” Professor Skywalker exclaims, ushering him in and out of the cold November air. “I was worried you’d slipped on ice riding over here. It really is starting to get dangerous to bike in this sort of weather.” His tone becomes disapproving, something that absolutely doesn’t make Obi-Wan’s cock twitch in his pants. “I’ve seen your tires, they’re not up to the way it gets icy up here.”

Obi-Wan could say that he knows the weather better than Professor Skywalker, seeing as how he’s been a student at the same school for going on five years now, and Professor Skywalker still has partially-unpacked moving boxes sitting around his living room.

But what he says instead is, “Yes, Professor,” which makes Anakin freeze for a second before he hurries into motion again.

It’s interesting, is all.

“I told you to call me Anakin, Obi-Wan,” Anakin says sharply, turning away. Alright, yes. Obi-Wan’s body does react to that tone.

“Sorry, Professor,” Obi-Wan murmurs with a half-smile when he sees the way Anakin’s back stiffens for a second.

“You must think I have the patience of a saint,” Anakin mutters to himself. Louder, he says, “Shoes off and do you want some tea?”

Obi-Wan bends down to start untying his shoes, perking up at the mention of tea. “You have tea? I’ve never seen you drink tea on campus.”

“I have rooibos and earl grey,” Anakin shouts from the kitchen. Obi-Wan stands, shoeless, to follow him curiously, looking around the house as he goes. The entrance hallway opens up into the living room, which is sunken into the floor. There’s a dining room table a few feet from the couch, positioned next to a window looking into the kitchen.

There are still moving boxes scattered around, even though it’s already mid-November.

“Earl grey, thank you,” Obi-Wan says absently, still taking in Anakin’s home. Gently he lays his messenger bag on the table next to Anakin’s laptop and retrieves the papers he’s been invited over here to grade. When the kettle goes off, he peers through the window to watch Anakin assemble his cup. “Oh, that’s my favorite brand,” he says happily. Anakin flushes and busies himself putting away the apparently incriminating boxes of tea.

“What a coincidence,” Anakin replies, handing the cup to him through the window. Obi-Wan wraps his cold hands around the mug and allows the warmth to travel through his body. He’d forgotten his gloves, an idiotic move that can only be blamed on his nerves for the night.

But now that he’s here, he suddenly doesn’t feel quite so nervous anymore. It feels natural to sit with Anakin like this at his dining room table and grade their students’ work.

It feels right and scarily easy.

They get to work with little more chatter, as these papers are supposed to be handed back the next section class.

After one high score and two middling ones, Obi-Wan sets down his pen. “You still haven’t unpacked everything?” He says this observation like a question.

Anakin looks up at him from the paper in front of him and adjusts his glasses as he processes the words. “No, not really,” he agrees. “I never usually do, not until I find something that makes me want to stay in one place for a while.”

Obi-Wan’s hands tighten around his mug of tea. His voice comes out more strangled than he’d like. “You’re thinking of leaving?”

“It’s a temporary position, Obi,” Anakin says slowly, taking off his glasses and setting them down on the essay. “I’m renting this place from the school, but even then the lease is up in February.”

Obi-Wan doesn’t know what his heart is doing, but he doesn’t think he’s ever been in so much pain. Not to be dramatic or anything, but the thought of Anakin leaving as quickly as he’s blown into Obi-Wan’s life feels as if it can kill him.

“Oh,” is all he says. “Do you have a bathroom I can use?”

Minutes later, Obi-Wan is staring at himself in the mirror, hands gripping the sink. He’s still reeling from the very real possibility that Anakin will leave in a few short months. That he’ll go to some other college in some other city and make everyone fall in love with him there as well, and Obi-Wan will never find out what it feels like to kiss him because he’d been too scared of breaking the rules or being rejected to try.

Resolve forms in his mind. If Anakin is looking for a reason to stay, Obi-Wan will give him one.

But Obi-Wan’s never really set about seducing a professor before, is the problem. He doesn’t know what Anakin likes in his partners, and he doesn’t know if he even really likes Obi-Wan at all. There are hints sometimes, certainly, the way he’ll stare at him in class, the casual way he’ll touch his lower back when they’re walking somewhere, all of his behavior that night at the bar near Halloween.

But there’s a difference between feeling arousal and acting on it. And there’s an even bigger difference between wanting someone once in your bed for the night and wanting someone enough to stick around town for a few years while they finish school.

So it’s not even seducing Anakin that is real problem here. It’s keeping him interested afterwards. And Obi-Wan needs to start now, before the semester ends. If he waits until January, he won’t have enough time before Anakin’s lease is up. Hell, he doesn’t even have enough time now, not really. He’d probably need four months alone just to get Anakin to look at him with more than dark, considering eyes.

Alright. Alright.

He’ll start with coffee tomorrow morning. He’ll go out there and finish grading papers with Anakin, and then tomorrow before class begins, he’ll bring Anakin a cup of coffee. It’s a start.

Anakin’s made a fair amount of progress by the time Obi-Wan exits the bathroom-cum-war council room. “Alright?” The professor looks up with a small furrow between his eyebrows.

He’s so gorgeous Obi-Wan almost gives up right then and there, but he’s never been a quitter.

“Alright,” he agrees, picking up his mug and carrying it to the kitchen. He’ll just add some more water and a little bit more milk and get started on the rest of the papers. The sooner he finishes, the sooner he can go home and start planning. The thought makes him excited and nervous all at once.

He glances up through the kitchen window just in time to see Anakin lean back in his chair and stretch his arms so far up that his tank top rides up enough that his tummy--or, well, defined abdominal muscles as it were--flashes into view.

Which, of course, makes Obi-Wan’s life flash before his eyes. He trips and then promptly curses when he rights himself but half the tea spills out over his sweater.

“Obi-Wan?” Anakin’s there immediately, as if he’s teleported from the table to the kitchen instead of gone around the normal way. “Are you alright? Are you burned?”

“No, no, I’m fine,” Obi-Wan mutters, blushing furiously. His seduction of Anakin is never going to work if he keeps behaving like a clumsy idiot in front of the older man. “Just got on my sweater, it’s fine.”

Anakin’s hands grab at the hem of Obi-Wan’s sweater, and when he doesn’t protest, slowly drags it up and over his head, careful to keep the wet stain from his hair.

Obi-Wan’s breath catches in his throat at the look of intense concentration Anakin’s wearing, how dark his eyes are. It’s almost exactly what he wants, but it’s not enough because Anakin backs away quickly, sweater clutched in his hands. “I’ll get you one of mine,” he says gruffly, turning to leave the kitchen, but Obi-Wan stops him with a hand on his arm.

“It’s really fine, Anakin, I’m not cold.”

“You’re covered in goosebumps,” Anakin points out, laying his hand on Obi-Wan’s own arm.

Obi-Wan swallows and bites at his lip. “I’m not cold,” he promises. A part of him wants Anakin to hear what he’s not saying. A part of him is afraid he will.

But Anakin only nods jerkily once before exiting the kitchen and returning to his seat at the table. “You’ll tell me as soon as you feel so much as a slight chill,” he insists, picking up his glasses and resettling them on his face.

“Yes, Professor,” Obi-Wan murmurs as he sits down, just to watch Anakin’s jaw clench tightly for a second before relaxing.

They resume grading in silence, but this silence is tense. A different beast than the previous one.

Halfway through his sixth paper of the night, he furrows his eyebrows at a student’s paragraph. “Professor,” he says, standing and moving to lean over Anakin’s shoulder to show him the error. He places one of his hands delicately on Anakin’s skin, because he is a weak, weak man. “They’ve gotten this bit extremely wrong, but the paragraph after this one is basically the same thing but with the correct information. What, do you think it’s just an editing error?”

Anakin looks at the paper without saying anything.

Obi-Wan adjusts his position so he’s more leaning over next to him instead of behind him and points out the relevant sections. “Would you dock points, do you think?”

Anakin’s jaw bunches as his nostrils flare for several long seconds, before he seems to snap out of whatever had taken his mind away. “Take a few off, but for formatting not for content,” the professor decides.

Nodding in agreement, Obi-Wan stays where he is and makes a note in the margins. He looks up at Anakin when he feels his eyes rest heavily on him. “What?” he asks. “Do I have pen on my face?”

“Just haven’t seen you this dressed down before,” Anakin’s voice is incredibly low and the timbre of it makes a shiver run down Obi-Wan’s spine. “You’re always so buttoned-up in class.”

Obi-Wan wets his lips. Somehow the words that come out of his mouth are not ones he’s approved of saying. “That’s not true,” he says so quietly it’s almost a whisper. “I wouldn’t say I was buttoned-up at the bar.”

Anakin inhales sharply and he leans towards him with dark, dark eyes. “You were all dressed up then, weren’t you?” he murmurs. Obi-Wan can’t stop himself from swaying in Anakin’s direction, even if he wanted to.

Slowly, he nods, paper forgotten under his professor’s burning gaze.

“Do you still have it?” Anakin asks hoarsely. “I’ve been wondering what you did with that little dress for weeks now.”

“Didn’t keep it,” Obi-Wan replies honestly. His mouth dries incredibly fast when Anakin’s hand falls to his arm.

“You’ve got goosebumps again,” Anakin observes, rubbing a thumb over his skin. “Are you cold?”

“Not cold,” he whispers, moving closer than he’s ever dared. He’s terrified that if he speaks louder than he is now, the moment will be ruined. They’ll snap out of this, whatever this is, go back to grading papers, and then Obi-Wan will leave and tomorrow morning he’ll buy Anakin coffee and try to make himself come across as the perfect life partner for his professor.

But he wants this so much. He thinks they’re standing on the edge of something that could very well be amazing.

Anakin’s opening his mouth to say something, but Obi-Wan cuts him off. He wouldn’t be able to hear it over his pounding heart anyway. “I kept the lingerie though,” he says. “Do you want to see them, Professor?”

For a second, those words and all they imply hang in the scant few inches between them.

Then, “Jesus fucking Christ, baby,” Anakin groans, sounding torn to shreds. He pushes his chair back so fast that Obi-Wan stumbles.

Anakin’s hands are there to catch him and pull him into his arms, mouth descending onto his.

Obi-Wan moans into the kiss immediately, wrapping his arms around Anakin’s neck and tugging their bodies as close together as he can get them, making helpless little noises he’s never made before in his life. Anakin’s not quiet either, not as his hands roam down from Obi-Wan’s waist to trace the outline of his ass before he grabs it and rocks them together. The pleasure skyrockets when their bulges grind against each other, and Obi-Wan has to break the kiss just to gasp for air.

Feeling brave and desired and hot, Obi-Wan grabs one of Anakin’s hands and slips it down the waistline of his pants, just far enough that he can feel the spread of lace over his skin.

“Baby,” Anakin groans again, rubbing his thumb over the cheap silk of the Halloween costume’s panties. “Baby, fuck.”

Obi-Wan pushes back into the hand, trying to convey how much Anakin really can fuck him, should he want. Obi-Wan wants.

Before he can say anything though, Anakin’s lips claim his again and his tongue fucks aggressively into his mouth. It feels so good, especially when Anakin scratches up the skin of his back gently with one hand. The touch has Obi-Wan turning pliant and weak in the knees, something Anakin must realize because he edges Obi-Wan closer and closer to the table before sweeping the contents off with one hand and lifting him up with the other.

He spreads his legs automatically and for a second everything is perfect when Anakin comes to stand between them, mouth biting searing kisses into his neck while Obi-Wan tries to keep rubbing their pelvises together. He throws his head back and to the side with a high moan, mouth falling open as he stares uncomprehendingly at the ceiling.

Does this mean he doesn’t have to buy Anakin coffee before class tomorrow?

The thought of school is like a bucket of ice water poured directly over his head. Almost frantically, he pushes at Anakin’s chest, trying to get space between them.

Anakin detaches himself from Obi-Wan’s skin with the utmost reluctance. His lips are red and wet.

But Obi-Wan needs to be responsible, and he’s currently sitting on his professor’s table, papers scattered on the floor around them. “Fuck, half of these weren’t stabled together,” he cries, hopping down and starting to pick up the students’ papers. “Shit, Professor--”

“You were just sucking on my tongue like a professional slut, Obi-Wan, I think you can call me Anakin,” Anakin bites out, working his jaw furiously as he watches him crawl around on all fours from above. The nerve of the man for causing the mess and not helping at all to clean it up!

Obi-Wan feels just petty enough that he pauses at one of the papers and arches his back, pushing his ass out and looking over his shoulder. “I thought you liked it when I called you professor, Professor,” he responds in what he hopes comes out sounding mostly sultry.

It seems to work if Anakin’s reaction is anything to go by. “Fucking hell, Obi-Wan,” the man snarls, but his sweatpants make the twitch of his cock impossible to miss.

“What a pair we make,” Obi-Wan says, just for the fun of torturing Anakin. “You’re not wearing any underwear and I’m wearing lingerie.”

He finishes with the papers and stands to stack them on the table.

“I think you should go,” Anakin grits out, watching Obi-Wan intently.

Obi-Wan’s heart stops for a second and he’s suddenly terrified he pushed too far, too fast, that Anakin hadn’t enjoyed the kiss, that he remembered he was too annoying to keep around, that--

“If you don’t go now, you’ll be spending the night in my bed, and I think we need to talk first,” his professor finishes gently, reaching out to rub his thumb over Obi-Wan’s lip.

Obi-Wan licks it immediately, and when no protest is made, brings it further into his mouth.

“Obi-Wan,” Anakin sounds extremely pained.

Slowly, he drops his thumb from between his lips. There’s hardly a foot of space between them. It’s too far. It’s too close.

Anakin’s right. They do need to talk. And it shouldn’t happen tonight.

“Can I borrow a sweatshirt for the bike ride back?” he asks quietly, crossing his arms over his chest. “Only it’s cold outside and--”

And you smell really nice, he finishes in his head. Out loud, he says, “And I think I’d look good wearing something of yours, don’t you think, Professor?”

Anakin’s eyes narrow and his hands clench tightly into fists at his side. “I didn’t have you pegged as a brat.”

“You haven’t had me pegged at all yet,” Obi-Wan points out with a grin. As if magnetized, Anakin’s thumb comes up and digs into one of his dimples.

“I’ve wanted to lick these since the first time I saw you smile,” his professor whispers like they’re in a confessional.

It’s incredibly easy to reach out and trace one of the lines of Anakin’s octopus tattoo down his arm in return. “I’ve wanted to do the same with your tattoos for months now,” he admits. “Will you let me? After we talk? Will you let me put my mouth on you?”

His fingers dance across the front of Anakin’s sweats, before veering back up to more friendly territory.

Anakin’s eyes are dark with promise when he nods in response. “I’ll do more than let you, baby,” he growls. “I’ll put your mouth on me myself.”

Obi-Wan shivers.

No, he probably doesn’t need to buy Anakin coffee tomorrow before class.

But he probably will anyway. Just because the way Anakin’s looking at him makes him think the other man isn’t going to get much sleep tonight either, and it’s the least he can do.

#asks #ta au #obikin #i feel like obi-wan constantly getting and losing his confidence is really sexy of him actually #i mean jk i just wanted to write a lil minx obi-wan lol #enjoy <3

115 notes · View notes

baya-ni · 4 years

Text

The Queer Appeal of Sk8

Recently @mulberrymelancholy reblogged a post of mine with a truly galaxy brain take about how Sk8 “is a show made for queer fans” and generally how sports anime often depicts love and relationships in a way that’s more accessible and relatable to ace/arospec people than other mainstream media does.

Just, *chef’s kiss* fucking brilliant. I urge you to read their post here (note I’m referring to the reblog not the actual post).

And basically, it got me thinking about this concept of Sk8 as a Queer Show, and the kinds of stories and dynamics that tend to attract queer audiences in droves, regardless of whether its queerness is made explicit or hell, whether that queerness was intended.

And that’s what I’ve been pondering: What are the cues, markers, or coding, in Sk8 that set off the community’s collective gaydar?

I obviously can’t speak for the community. So here’s what aspects of the show intrigued me and what, for me, marks Sk8 as a Queer Show beyond the subtextual queer romances: a punk/alternative aesthetic, Found Family, Shadow as a drag persona, and The Hands.

1.) The Punk Aesthetic

All three of the above screenshots are taken from Ep 1, and every single one of them depicts background characters. They’re nameless and ultimately unimportant characters, yet each of them designed so distinctly and so unique from one another, one could mistake each of them for the main character(s) of another story.

Of what little I know about Punk subculture, I do know this: that the ethos of Punk is heavily built around a celebration of individuality and non-conformity. Sk8 seems to have incorporated this ethos into the very fabric its worldbuilding, and the aesthetics and culture upon which it takes inspiration appeals specifically to a queer audience.

I don’t really need to explain why Punk has such deep ties with the queer community. For decades, queer people have found community and acceptance within punk spaces, and punk ideology is something that I think is just ingrained in the queer consciousness as both lived experience and a survival tactic.

Therefore, a show that adopts punk aesthetics is, by association, already paying homage to Queer culture, intentional or not.

Queer fans notice this- like recognizes like.

2.) Found Family

This also needs little explanation.

Too often, queer individuals cannot rely on their “born into” families for support and acceptance. Too often, we are abused, neglected, and abandoned by those who we were taught would “always be there for us.”

And so, a universal experience for queer people has been redefining the meaning of Family, having to build our families from scratch, finding brothers, sisters, mothers, and fathers in people with whom we have no blood relation, and forming communities tied together by shared lived experience rather than shared genetics.

And this idea of Found Family is also built into Sk8′s narrative.

Like, for example, the way that Reki promises MIYA that he and Langa will “never disappear from [his] sight,” filling the void that MIYA felt after his friends abandoned him.

And in the way that JOE becomes a paternal figure for Reki, teaching him ways to improve in skateboarding, and ensuring that Reki doesn’t self isolate when he’s feeling insecure.

And in the whole Ep 6 business with Hiromi acting as babysitter to the Gang.

Hell, even ADAM (derogatory) is associated with this trope. Abused as a child, he finds solace in an underground skateboarding community and culture he helped create- his own found family (or some powertrippy version of it anyway).

Again, queer fans see themselves depicted in the show, but this time in the way that the show gives importance to Found Family relationships between its characters.

3.) Shadow and Drag

This is one that’s more of an association that I personally made. But I was intrigued by the way that Hiromi adopts his SHADOW persona. He wears SHADOW like a mask, and adopts a personality seemingly so opposite to his day-to-day behavior.

Further, the theatricality and general “gender fuckery” of his SHADOW persona, to me, just seemed so similar to a the characteristics of a drag persona (I don’t know a whole lot about drag but enough that I’m drawing superficial similarities).

There’s also this aspect of a “double life” that he, and actually all the other adult characters of the show, have to adopt, which is a way of living that I’m sure a lot of queer viewers see themselves reflected in.

4.) The Hands

Ohhhh the Hands.

One of the things I noticed very early on is the way the show constantly draws our attention to Reki’s hands, which I thought was a little strange for an anime about skating. After all, skating doesn’t really involve the hands, or at least the show doesn’t really draw attention to hands within the context of skating.

I count 3 times so far between Eps 1-9 in which hands are the focus of the frame.

First, when Reki teaches Langa how to fist pump after Langa lands his first ollie, second, when Reki and Langa make their Promise, and finally, when Langa saves Reki from falling off his board.

And you know what they say, twice is a coincidence but thrice is a motif (no one else actually says this I think I’m the only one who says this lol).

I’m not really certain why hands seem to be such a shared fixation among queer people (at least among those I interact with). All I know is that gay people are just fucking obsessed with them.

I have a Theory as to why, and at this point I’d love for other people to chime in and “compare notes” if you will, but I think it basically has to do with repression. And in the same way that queer people have had to redefine the meaning of family, we’ve also had to redefine intimacy.

Being overtly physically affectionate with someone of the same sex, even if they’re your significant other, or often specifically BECAUSE they’re your significant other, can still be dangerous, even now despite the “progression” of society. Queer people know this, this vigilant surveillance of our environment and ourselves, always asking ourselves, “Am I safe enough to be myself?”

Already, Western culture is pretty touch-averse. That is, it’s considered taboo to touch someone unless they’re a family member or a romantic partner. And to touch a person of the same sex in any way that could be misconstrued as romantic (which is most things tbh) is a big no no.

There’s just A Lot to unpack there.

But basically I think that queer people, by necessity, have had to learn to romanticize mundane or unconventional ways of being physically intimate so that we can continue to be romantic with one another without “being caught” so to speak.

Kissing and hugging is too obvious. But a handshake that lingers for just a second too long is much more likely to go unnoticed, braiding someone’s hair can easily be explained away as just lending a helping hand, touching palms to “compare hand sizes” is just good fun.

But for queer people, these brief and seemingly insignificant touches hold greater meaning, because it’s all we are allowed, and all we allow ourselves, to exchange with others.

God, I’ve gone off and rambled again. What’s my point? Basically that the way the show draws attention to Reki’s hands, and specifically how they’re so often framed with Langa’s hands, is one of the major reasons why I clocked Sk8 as a Queer. It’s just something that resonated with me and my own experience of queerness, and I know that I’m not the only one who noticed either.

So in conclusion, uhhhh yeah Sk8 the Infinity is just a super gay show, and it’s not even because of the homo-romantic subtext (that at this point is really just Text).

Because what’s important to understand is that Queerness isn’t just about same-sex romance.

Queer Love isn’t just shared between wives/girlfriends, husbands/boyfriends, and all their in-betweens. Queer Love can be two best friends who come out together, queer siblings who rely and support one another, a gay teacher who helps guide one of their questioning students, a queer community pitching in to help a struggling member.

And that all ties with another important thing to consider, that what we refer to as the “queer experience” or “queer culture” isn’t universal. In fact, it wrongly lumps together the unique experiences and struggles of queer BIPOC all under one umbrella that’s primary White and middle class.

So I think what drives a lot of my frustration about labeling a show like Sk8 as Queerbait is this very issue of considering queerness and queer representation within such narrow standards, and mandating that a show must pass a certain threshold of explicit queerness to be considered good representation.

I get that someone might only feel represented by an indisputable canonization of a same-sex couple. That’s fine. But labeling Sk8 as Queerbait for that reason alone ignores the vast array of other queer experiences.

The aspects of Sk8 that resonate most deeply with my own experiences of queerness is in the way that Reki and Langa share intimacy through skating (intricate rituals heyo). For me, them officially getting together ultimately doesn’t matter- I’ll consider Sk8 a Queer show regardless.

Similarly, @mulberrymelancholy finds ace/arospec representation in that very absence of an on-screen kiss. A bisexual man might find representation in Reki, not because he enters a canon relationship, but in the depiction of Reki’s coming of age, growing up and navigating adolescent relationships. A non-binary person might feel represented through CHERRY’s androgyny.

That’s the thing, I don’t know how this show will resonate with other members of the queer community, and it’d be wrong to make a judgement on Sk8′s queer representation based on my experiences alone.

That being said, Straight people definitely don’t get to judge Sk8 as Queerbait. Y’all can watch and enjoy the show, we WANT you to enjoy these kinds of shows, and we want you to share these shows and contribute to the normalization and celebration of these kinds of narratives.

But understand that you don’t have a right to tell us whether or not Sk8 has good or bad queer representation.

And even members of the queer community are on thin ice. Your experience of queerness is not universal. Listen to the other members of your community, and respect that what you might find lacking in this show may be the exact representation that someone else needs.

#and scene #i was up till 4am writing this instead of doing my hw #bc i hav Opinions dammit #sk8 #sk8 the infinity #sk8 meta #sk8 theory #queerbait

291 notes · View notes

makeste · 3 years

Note

Don’t you think that Horikoshi backing up Katsuki with 1A is proof Deku’s stronger than him? Like, I really don’t think it would end in a draw if they fought it out 1v1, it would just be unrealistic at this point, (and would undermine Endeavour’s storyline, Nagant’s character and the overall power scaling of the manga). However, Katsuki winning alone against Deku or winning as a team against Deku is the same end result for him, so it’s way more realistic, and follows what MHA’s always telling us about teamwork. Maybe in the end there’ll be a Deku v Kacchan (and I hope so! And likely, considering Katsuki’s definitely the strongest in the class and the only one who can at least hope to compare) but I think Horikoshi realized Katsuki can’t win alone (and I think even Katsuki knows that rn), but that doesn’t mean he can’t win at all.

I very much do not think this is proof of that, but I am also very biased and stubborn about this, and have a lot of strong feelings about it as you probably know lol. so keep that in mind.

there are a few reasons why I think the entire class is there. firstly, to show how much they all care about Deku and how important Deku is to all of them. I said in my prediction post last week that I thought the Deku Rescue Squad would consist of people whom Deku had inspired in some way. and that did turn out to be the case -- it's just that I underestimated just how much Deku has inspired all of them, not just a select few. he means enough to each and every one of his classmates that they all came together and agreed that they were going to go out and find him and show him that he wasn't alone. and that was actually very moving to realize (no wonder Deku scrambled to hide back under his mask so quickly lol).

the second reason why I think they are all there is because, this being endgame times, I think Horikoshi wants to show how much all of them have powered up, not just the main cast. with the final battle approaching, he needs to show us that these kids are ready, or else he risks us not being able to suspend our belief when they wind up defeating AFO and the League at the end of the series. we need to see how far they've come, and he needs to show us what they're made of.

and the third and final reason is because in order to ease the fear in Deku's heart right now, his friends need to reassure him that what happened at Gunga and Jakku is not going to happen again. they need to show him that they're strong, so that he can trust in their strength. and they also need to show both him and the Vestiges that the most surefire way of defeating AFO isn't through OFA's power alone, but through the power of all of their quirks. all of their strength, combined. they need to demonstrate to him that the 19 of them acting together are easily a match for him even if he does have six quirks. and so if all of them work together, they can even be a match for TomurAFO as well.

so yeah, all of these things are very important and need to happen. but none of them precludes DvK3 from also happening as well. what I'm currently envisioning is a two-phase battle.

in the first phase, all of them team up against Deku while he tries to use SIXQUIRKS to take them down, using the same strategies that worked against Muscular and Nagant and the others. except that it doesn't work against 1-A because they're prepared for it, and they show him how their own strength and ingenuity can match and exceed his own when they all work together.

during this phase we'll get to see the kids show off, and we'll get to see what kind of combos Horikoshi can pull off with all of them acting together as a unit. so for instance, maybe Deku tries to use Smokescreen to escape, and Momo makes a bunch of giant fans to blow the smoke away, and Dark Shadow carries one of the fans up into the air, and Ochako makes the others weightless, and Kouda summons a bunch of birds to carry them, and Iida turns on Recipro and runs a bunch of high speed circles around the area to clear out the rest of the smoke.

or Deku uses Float, and Mineta and Sero and Shouto use their quirks to catch him while Kacchan and Shouto and Ochako and Tokoyami and all the other kids with flying quirks loop around to cut him off.

or Deku uses Danger Sense to try and dodge their attacks, but the same group from the previous paragraph uses the same tactics to hold him in place. or Jirou and Kami and Tsuyu use their quirks to paralyze him temporarily. or Hagakure and Kacchan use their quirks to momentarily blind him.

or Deku tries to use Blackwhip to grab them and hold them all in place, but Kacchan and Iida use their speed to evade (evading Blackwhip is a specialty of Kacchan's after all), and Shouji uses his quirk to sprout arms on all of the other kids to help pry them free, and Aoyama and Mina use their quirks to dissolve some of the Blackwhip tendrils because idk but there has to be something that's able to actually counter them (just like Dark Shadow is similarly made of "dark energy" but isn't invulnerable either), and Ojiro runs around being a diversion or something because I had to include him in these hypotheticals somewhere, and Sero and Shouto use their quirks to bind and freeze Deku's hands so he can't aim properly, and Kiri and Satou use their strength to turn the tables on Deku and yank him off balance instead using his own quirk.

anyway but the point is, they have an effective counter for each and every one of Deku's quirks and strategies, because they are taking advantage of the fact that 19 > 6. and so that's what the first part of the battle will be like. but then the second phase, I envision happening once Deku finally whips out the one quirk they haven't been able to prepare for, because they didn't know about it -- Fa Jin. I don't think Deku will use it to attack any of them directly; rather, he'll try to use it as a trump card to try and make his escape. in which case the most likely scenario is that Kacchan -- whose own speed upgrade Deku is similarly unaware of -- will take off after him, with the others following behind at a slower pace (assuming they can still track him using the GPS). which in turn leads to the second phase of the battle -- our much-anticipated DvK3 proper.

which is still going to happen for my money, and is still vitally important. because the two of them have a lot of things that they need to say to each other. and because Kacchan is still Deku's equal, and I will die on that fucking hill if I have to lol. and with respect, I can't really bring myself to worry about it potentially undermining Endeavor's storyline or Nagant's skills or whatever either, because to be perfectly frank this is something that was established long before those things came along, and this takes precedence. Kacchan staked his claim to number one in the very first chapter. he reaffirmed that claim multiple times throughout the series, including after DvK1 and DvK2. he was the second one to be tied to All Might's legacy right after Deku. he is the other half of the "win" and "save" equation. the first one Deku entrusted with his secret. the one who Deku emulates. and the reason why Deku left UA. the real reason. not the only reason, but the predominant reason which he still hasn't been able to face yet. because Kacchan's body moved on its own, and he took that blow for him, and that frightened him more than anything has ever frightened him before.

so yeah, it has to happen. there are too many loose ends which need to be addressed. too much emotional buildup to be resolved with just a handful of sentences while they duke it out alongside their classmates. at the very least, if 1-A does wind up triumphing over Deku, there would need to be some kind of follow-up conversation between Deku and Kacchan alone, if not necessarily a fight.

but you know what, even as I typed that last sentence out it didn't feel right lol. ngl I do still think it's gonna be a fight. that's just what they do. they're shounen rivals. and shounen rivals share their feelings via their fists lol. and these two have a lot of feelings to share, and a shitload of trauma to unpack and address. and that moment at the end of 318 -- that solo moment with just Kacchan, alongside the "the one who can complete Midoriya Izuku..." dialogue -- that wasn't just a coincidence. there is absolutely no way.

so yeah, I stand by my previous posts lol. we doin this. not sure when, at this point, but stay tuned.

#bnha 319 #bakugou katsuki #midoriya izuku #bakudeku #class 1-a #bnha meta #bnha #boku no hero academia #bnha spoilers #mha spoilers #bnha manga spoilers #makeste reads bnha #asks #anon asks #long post

110 notes · View notes

renegade-skywalker · 3 years

Text

I've been in a writing rut lately but apparently just thinking of Atton and the Jedi Exile usually means I end up with some sort of drabble so here we are:

---

In all her time on the Ebon Hawk so far, this was the first time Eden found herself in the cockpit alone. Still reeling from her conversation with G0-T0, all she could do was pace, her arms knit tightly across her chest. She wanted to fix something, put her hands to use. But she couldn’t. She had to wait for Atton. She had to clear the air. It was fixing something, in a way, something she didn’t realize needed to be done if she wanted to move forward until now.

It wasn’t as if Eden had gotten along with everyone who, for one reason or another, had decided to join her ramshackle crew. She was still hesitant to even call them her crew even if it was clear that they looked to her for direction. But not being on good terms with Atton didn’t feel right, not when he’d been there from the beginning. She had met Kreia first, yes, but Kreia wasn’t the first person she’d felt at ease around. Atton was the first person she’d shared a drink with, the first person she’d shared grievances with and swapped stories. He was the first person she told a joke to, the first person she’d been proud to make smile even if it was for a stupid reason.

That smile. Atton’s smile wasn’t an easy one. When he’d been had, either placed at the butt end of a joke or beaten at cards, his entire face would split into a momentary exasperated grin before it was gone in an instant, as if he knew he couldn’t stop the expression from taking over his face so the least he could do was expel it as soon as possible. A moment later he would bite his lip or suck in a breath, gritting his teeth before uttering a comeback. Anything to rein in his muscles and relax his expression lest they betray him any further. But when Eden had caught his eye on G0-T0’s yacht, the man had truly smiled. A small smile, but an earnest one. His face had paused upon seeing her - surprised, his eyes going wide, his mouth slack - before easing into a smile that met his eyes, crinkling in the corners as the evidence of his being glad to see her again made itself evident in his expression. Even thinking of it now gave Eden pause. Especially after their last conversation...

When her restraints had been deactivated and Mical and Bao rushed in to meet her, Eden was expecting that to be all for her daring rescue. Mical and Bao made an obvious team the more she thought about it, both stoic and calm but blessed with brawn, each of them bookends from her past as a Jedi returned to help her face history as it reared its ugly head. But as they led her out of the holding cell, she saw Atton, bashfully waiting at the end of the hall by the security console, as if he’d been shy to see her, unsure if she would be happy to see him.

When their eyes met, it was as if their last conversation had dissolved completely, only leaving room for what Eden had felt for Atton before his big reveal… and while Atton’s relieved smile still sent goosebumps across her skin at the memory, she could not forget the heated words they exchanged over the refugee causeway.

“Surprised to see you here, of all places,” a voice laughed unsurely at her back. Eden paused, still facing the marbled white-blue of hyperspace as she registered Atton’s voice as he eased into the room.

“Hard to rest when your entire worldview has just been shattered,” Eden laughed hollowly.

While G0-T0’s predictions still echoed in her mind, it wasn’t his predictions that were weighing on her in the moment.

“Sure, yeah,” Atton shrugged. She could feel him fidget behind her, unsure whether to approach her or take a seat, though to Eden’s dismay he did the latter.

Eden bit her lip, unsure of why she was disappointed, keen on staring at the unending void of hyperspace than facing Atton.

“What did G0-T0 say? Whatever it was, it has you spooked.”

Eden shook her head, annoyed with how well he knew her despite the unwitting comfort that came along with it.

“Oh, you’ll like this one,” Eden laughed darkly after gathering her wits, “First thing he said was about how the Jedi/Sith conflict was tiring.”

Eden pointed at Atton, making light of the situation as well as where they’d left things off. But it was also the first time she’d truly looked at him since her rescue, and just like it had been then, Atton allowed himself to dissolve into a smile, only this time it was a dark smirk to match her snark.

“He’s got a point, I admit,” Atton said, his gaze eventually landing on hers, stilling Eden in her tracks. “What else?”

Eden could see the ghost of the smile Atton had granted her on G0-T0’s yacht flicker across his face with his response, still glad to see her in one piece. Part of her wanted to pause and soak in the sight of him, unsure if she was ready to admit that she was glad to see him again too, and that things felt normal for lack of a better word despite how they’d left things off.

“He said that he’d been running statistics on galaxy-wide events for decades, and, long story short, according to his calculations he expects the Republic to be attacked by some unknown force within the standard year.”

“Does he mean the Sith?” Atton asked almost immediately. “It can’t be a coincidence that the Sith reveal themselves after, what, five years? Six? After Malak, there was no evidence they even still existed.”

The Sith. Eden could tell how eager Atton was to say the word, as if enunciating it exorcised him of the weight of their previous conversation, but in lieu of pointing it out she shook her head.

“I don’t think so. He didn’t disclose as much, but I have a feeling his criticism of the Jedi and the Sith is more an implication of an outside force as the likely culprit. As if this decades-long battle over light and dark is just a distraction for what's yet to come. Or… maybe it’s the reason Revan left?”

“Maybe both. What if she’s the real threat? She declares herself Darth Revan to reign over the Republic only to find her right-hand man has plans of betraying her. Maybe getting captured and turned by the Jedi was all an act, a kill-two-mynocks-with-one-frag-mine sorta thing,” Atton offered. “Revan must have left for a reason. Maybe it was so that we wouldn’t suspect her of pulling something else.”

“Possibly,” Eden sighed in half-agreement, unwilling to unpack all of the distrust she still carried for her old mentor. “Who knows? And at this point it’s hard to care when there is a very real threat tailing us, even if the two are linked somehow.”

“Yeah,” Atton huffed a laugh, “A distraction, maybe.”

Eden wanted to explore this further, knowing that she and Atton were certainly onto something, but she also wanted to bookmark the remainder of this conversation for later. Part of her wanted to relish in the fact that they were dishing out details, alone. As they often did. Even as Eden accrued more unwitting followers, the only person she ever really conferred with about their next moves was Atton. Unless Kreia approached her first. But when it was up to Eden, Atton was usually the first person she would come to with a problem. It was partly out of habit, especially since Kreia was so closed-off early on in their time together, but it was also partly out of something Eden didn’t quite know how to categorize yet.

“Well, whatever happens,” Atton began before pausing, his expression faltering only for a moment as Eden met his gaze again, “I’m with you. No matter what.”

Atton’s eyes were wide and earnest, the greener parts now clear in the otherwise grey-brown of his irises. Eden stilled, just as she had when he’d disarmed her with that sincere smile he’d flashed upon her rescue aboard G0-T0’s ship. Eden’s eyes scanned his, savoring the solemnity of the moment, knowing it meant something but afraid to admit what.

“Good,” she responded, her voice quiet but calm, the corners of her lips curling upward ever so slightly as she registered the relief that crossed Atton’s face.

Eden stood, slowly, and approached Atton at the pilot’s chair, a hand reaching for his and squeezing. Atton froze, his eyes going wider if possible as he looked from their linked hands back up at Eden, the confusion clear in his eyes.

“We’ll start training tomorrow,” Eden said with a gentle laugh. “Just you and me.”

Eden let go, her hand suddenly cold and wanting in the absence of Atton’s touch. She’d never once done that, but all the times she’d thought of it flashed in her mind’s eye at the realization, as if only now admitting the thought had occurred to her at all. But instead of dismissing it, as she must have so many times, she let the thought stay.

“Uh, yeah,” Atton replied after a flustered moment, meeting her eyes again just as she made to leave, “Count me in.”

“Good,” Eden said again, this time relishing in it while also trying to mask the reassurance it gave her -- how true the word sounded, how utterly calming it felt to say and mean it.

“Good,” Atton echoed, a goofy half-grin taking over his face before he coughed purposefully and turned back in the pilot’s chair. Eden didn’t turn away until she saw the last of Atton’s silhouette painted against the white-blue of hyperspace, feeling better than she had in a while.

#atton x exile #atton rand #the jedi exile #kotor #kotor 2 #fan fic #my writing #star wars #ugh every time I post something I forget how to tag

57 notes · View notes

robinchan-hananomi · 3 years

Text

One Piece 1023

I have a lot of thoughts here about the new chapter. There is a lot of things to unpack here!

So first, things I loved! I absolutely loved Zoro and Sanji’s dynamic in this chapter. Yes, the two were bickering a bit but honestly it felt like their comments were more to reassure each other than anything. Zoro immediately noticed that something was wrong with Sanji and Sanji responded honestly, that his body has felt funny ever since using the raid suit a second time. Zoro probes to see just how deep the concern is, asking if Sanji is going to slow him down, and Sanji’s answer seems to reassure him enough that he almost jokes, teasing Sanji about his eyebrows. One the flip side Sanji knows better than almost anyone just what kind of shape Zoro is in right now. They both look out for each other and they tease each other during the start of this fight, but it is mostly them being more like ‘look asshole, I know you’re trying to see what the extent of the damage is but I swear I am fine enough to knock this son of a bitch out’.

And make no mistake, Zoro and Sanji are probably going to have a lot of physical issues after this chapter. Sanji mentions that his body is feeling weird. This could be anything from the raid suit being intentionally designed to hurt Sanji to his body just not being able to cope with the strain the new technology is putting on him. The mink doctor also just reminded Chopper that while Zoro is up now, he won’t be for long and that he doesn't even want to imagine what kind of shape Zoro is going to be at the end of the fight. No matter how Wano shakes out, Zoro and Sanji are going to be hurting and will require some serious rest and TLC.

After Sanji and Zoro face off against King and Queen, we also get a small moment for the opponents to communicate. On Queen and Sanji’s side, Queen talks about how Judge experimented on his children and questions the validity of Sanji’s claim of being completely human since he can light his body on fire. Sanji admits he’s probably just that dramatic. On the other side Zoro notes King’s unorthodox fighting and when King points out there is no need to follow technique and method in combat, Zoro agrees and reminds King there really isn’t anything preventing Zoro from ripping out King’s throat with his teeth.

Now Zoro and Sanji are only able to fight King and Queen in peace due to Hyogoro and Kawamatsu’s efforts. Kawamatsu prevented a Beast Pirate from taking a shot at Zoro and Hyogoro explains that anyone who tries to help either side at this point would just be in the four combatants way. While they watch the fight, they comment about Zoro.

The thing is, Zoro has been connected to the Shimotsuki Clan from the start. Zoro’s hometown is Shimotsuki Village. In the SBS corner, Oda explained that the village was founded about 55 years ago by Shimotsuki Kozaburo, the man who forged Wado Ichimonji and Enma. Kozaburo’s son Koshiro ran the Isshin Dojo, which used the Shimotsuki Clan crest as it’s symbol and Zoro had worn that crest his entire childhood. Koshiro’s daughter Kuina was Zoro’s best friend and rival. Then Zoro met and fought Shimotsuki Ryuma, whose family name was again confirmed in the SBS corner. More on Ryuma in a minute. Ever since Zoro has entered Wano, he has been even more connected to the Shimotsuki Clan. The Clan had two Daimyo’s that we know of, Ushimaru and Yasuie. Zoro has spent a lot of time in Ringo, Ushimaru’s territory, and even combated with Ushimaru’s retainer Onimaru a few times now for Ryuma’s sword Shusui. On the other side Zoro befriended Yasuie and his daughter Toko. While all the strawhats were seen to be fond of Toko and quite a few met Yasuie, Zoro spent the majority of time with him.

Now as for Ryuma. Ever since the Monsters oneshot was tied to the One Piece Manga, fans had noticed the similarities between Zoro and Ryuma. The two look very alike in appearance and they had many similar mannerisms. They also have the connection of sharing a sword, Shusui, and both decapitated a dragon in the air. And now, apparently, Ryuma had lost an eye in his adventures and was known as a one eyed swordsman...which I mean his zombie did have a scar on his face that would have gone over his right eye along with bandages covering his right eye so it’s not really a surprise.

The two citizens of Wano comment that Ushimaru is a direct descendant of Ryuma and note that Zoro has a similar appearance and style of fighting to Ushimaru and by extension Ryuma. Now if this is because Zoro is somehow part of the Shimotsuki Clan (which I actually kind of hope not), or if it is just a coincidence about appearance and the other similarities are because Zoro trained at a dojo from the Shimotsuki Clan is still up in the air. Either way, I really do like the idea of developing Zoro more and I have been waiting for someone, anyone, in the manga to finally notice just how much Zoro seems to be connected to this family.

Anyway, back to the chapter! While Zoro and Sanji keep two of the three calamities busy, we see there is a LOT of other things going on. I’m not going to go in order of the rest of the chapter because I want to organize my thoughts a little.

So first, which is actually the last thing to happen, is Momo is now 28 years old. He has Shinobu turn him into an adult because he can only do so much as an eight year old. It is a fantastic way to follow the panels of the battle that came before it, because we see the samurai are willing to die to bring about an age where Kaido’s reign has ended and Momo’s time can start. They believe that Momo will bring Oden’s will and bring Wano to a wonderful future, they believe it so much that they are willing to die for it. Momo answers that belief by giving up twenty years of his life. Understand while twenty years have passed for everyone else, it hasn’t for Momo. Momo just had Shinobu mature his body by twenty years in order to get stronger, bigger, and be able to take a stand against Kaido. There is going to be a lot of issues in the future with having an eight year old in a twenty eight year old man’s body, but just like Zoro and quite possibly Sanji’s physical health; this is a bridge to cross when we get to it. After all everyone has to survive the battle and win before they can worry about what is next. So now as a much bigger and stronger dragon, Momo and Luffy can go face Kaido together.

On a side note with everyone talking about being ghosts and all, it’s kinda fitting that it is implied that Momo looks like Oden. Now we really will have people think they’re seeing ghosts.

We also have Inu and Neko fighting Jack and Big Mom’s son. These fights are not just about defeating Kaido either. There is an element of revenge to them both. As Inu sends Jack through a wall, he expresses recalls all the pain Jack brought to the people of Zou. Just like Neko talks about Pedro while fighting. And yet the two talk about how everything they lost, all that they suffered through, was all part of the road to get there, now, to bring Kaido and his Beast Pirates to an end. And the two are using their badass Sulong Form.

The last big note for this chapter is Marco’s memory of his discussion with Whitebeard. It is implied that King’s race are the Lunarian, and that King is the last one. They lived up on the Red Line in a long ago past. Marco recalls Whitebeard talking about how it was ‘God’s Land’ which is honestly giving me super Skypeia vibes. What exactly is this God’s Land?

Because we hadn’t talked too much of the Red Line, I for whatever reason, always imagined other people living up there. We knew the Celestial Dragons lived on the Red Line, but because it is like a long continent of linked together islands I just naturally assumed other races and beings lived up there. That doesn't appear to be the case. Which to be fair I am a fool for even thinking that because now that it’s put that way I realize a group so pompous and self important as the Celestial Dragons would never allow anyone so lowly as normal people to live so high in the world as they do. So they enjoy their life in the clouds while driving any peoples and race either off the Red Line or to extinction.

Marco brings up the old conversation to Izo, after the latter saves him for drifting off in a battle, and Izo says Marco sounds like Whitebeard when he was drunk. Whitebeard was part of the Rocks Pirates, the Pirate crew that shook the world to it’s core almost a whole generation before Roger even appeared. Whitebeard has seen some real shit. I wonder just what all Whitebeard knew about the world, and I wonder just how much he tried to impart on his children only for them to think he was drunkenly rambling?

Anyway, it was a fantastic chapter and I am so freaking excited to see where we go next!!!

#one piece #one piece 1023 #roronoa zoro #shimotsuki clan #shimotsuki ryuma #sanji #king #queen #inuarashi #nekomamushi #monkey d. luffy #kozuki momonosuke #marco #izo

36 notes · View notes

mrs-tsunderemeitantei · 3 years

Text

Wakasa Rumi Theory Series: Part 2 of 3

Hello lovelies! This is my second part of my Wakasa Rumi Theory that will go over my thoughts about Haneda Koji's murder and his dying message.

WARNING: SPOILERS AHEAD

Just for reference, I already covered the first three points in Part 1 and the ones in bold are the ones I'm covering in this post:

Why I think she's Asaca.

Her probable relationship to Haneda Koji.

How she became Amanda's bodyguard.

What might have happened on the day of Haneda Koji's murder.

How Haneda Koji's dying message directly refers to RUM as his killer.

Why Wakasa went on a hiatus for 17 years since the murder.

Reason behind Haibara liking Wakasa.

With that out of the way, happy reading 😁💛.

4. What might have happened on the day of Haneda Koji's murder.

So based on the blog that uploaded, we know that two people were killed in each of their own hotel rooms; Haneda Koji and Amanda Hughes (an investor who holds powerful connections to the FBI and CIA). While Haneda Koji showed bruises and signs of struggle against his assailant, the actual cause of his death was unclear, as well as with Amanda Hughes. (In reality, the cause of his death is because of APTX-4869 and the same can be assumed for Amanda). Both rooms were left in a total mess with crockery and glass broken as well as taps left running in the bathroom. Amanda was a huge fan of Haneda Koji and happened to visit him in his room the day of the murder before they were killed. Also on the same day, her bodyguard whom she called 'Asaca' disappeared and she is the main suspect of the murders. Interestingly, something else went missing from the crime scene which was Haneda Koji's Watchtower Bishop (a shogi piece he deemed as his lucky charm). His family is convinced he would never parted without the shogi piece and whoever has it must be the murderer.

All these accusations point to Wakasa because not only has she disappeared for 17 years and her identity is shrouded in mystery, but she also has the exact shogi piece that went missing from the crime scene...So, what exactly happened?

Based on the fact that only Haneda Koji's body was bruised, I'd say he put up a fight after witnessing Amanda's death. The likelihood that he used the taps in her bathroom to cut the mirror before fleeing to his room where he was then finished off is very possible. Why? The case similar to 17 years ago foreshadowed it.

I'm guessing when Amanda was murdered, Wakasa was probably out for whatever reason and upon her return, she saw Amanda's state. She then walked in and saw Haneda's body. The reason why I'm convinced she discovered their bodies and did not happen to be there when they died was her reaction in Chapter 1032 to blood and her obvious knowledge about how bodies do not necessarily smell until days later after their death. This could very well imply she lived through this before, which is why she is so knowledgeable of the topic. And smelling blood, reminded her of when she found Haneda dead in his room.

She then noticed the cut up mirror with one part of it looking like a shogi piece. As she picked it up, RUM returned to clean up and they ended up struggling in a fight before she managed to escape. The reason why I think Wakasa was in a physical fight with RUM was how triggered she seemed when she saw him leave the school after his delivery. The way she looked at him with such apprehension, it shows as if she were remembering their interaction before.

She would turn out to be RUM's mistake. He couldn't finish her off and not only did he leave a loose end, but she also ran away with a crucial part of Haneda Koji's dying message, leaving RUM unable to fully destroy the crime scene. Also RUM is clearly aware of its significance to Haneda Koji's dying message. Especially after he not-so-subtly mentioned it to Conan in Chapter 1057.

The final thing in relation to this part of the theory is Wakasa's flashback of Haneda Koji in the Collecting Edible Wild Plants Chapter. Why was she calling him a fool? It made a lot of sense when I found out the actual meaning of the proverb Haneda Koji said in her flashback.

The proverb he said is 'with a watchtower bishop there must be a brilliant move'. This proverb translates to the Bishop should stay at a distance while aiming at the opponent's camp rather than approaching them directly. Now that we know the actual meaning of the proverb, Wakasa's words make more sense. She guessed that he probably underestimated RUM and approached him rather than escaping him. Hence why Wakasa refers to him as a foolish person because in the end he got himself killed. Not because she thinks he's a fool and she managed to kill him. Again, a classic on Gosho's part to frame innocent characters as threatening and dangerous when the truth is she is just extremely upset over his death. Her collapse to the ground shows just how much Haneda meant to her. If anything, she probably like Rei, feels guilty she couldn't save him in time, which is why the memory of him is so triggering to her.

Phew, finally done with the fourth point 😂 There really was so much to unpack there. Anyways, I hope it made sense...

5. How Haneda Koji's dying message directly refers to RUM as his killer.

Now that it has been confirmed that RUM is Wakita, I'll be showing how Haneda Koji's dying message refers to "RUM", aka Carasuma's number 2.

The key to solving the message lies in the broken mirror and linking it to the shogi piece. Akai and Yusaku already solved the true meaning behind the broken mirror. The remaining pieces on the mirror had the letter PTON. These letters are not needed and the letters that do matter are the scattered ones from the original 'PUT ON MASCARA'. If we remove PTON we are left with U MASCARA which was then rearranged to CARASUMA. However, one letter in particular was cut out in the form of a shogi piece. If we write 'CARASUMA' with the shogi piece border around the letter U, it will seem as if it is hinting to another message within CARASUMA. That would form a word: UMA. UMA translates to Dragon Horse and is the promoted version of the Watchtower Bishop (the shogi piece held by Haneda Koji). (Promoted in shogi means to simply flip the original shogi piece to use its 'levelled-up' power...It's the same piece not two separate shogi pieces). Therefore, if we flip Haneda Koji's shogi piece, it will show UMA which is the more powerful form of the Watchtower bishop.

Anyways, what is the significance of UMA and how does it relate to anything? Well, Uma in shogi is the second strongest shogi piece. The strongest shogi piece is Dragon King (Ryū). Based on this we can assume this is the dying message. UMA of Carasuma (second strongest / number 2 aka RUM) of Carasuma killed me. This might seem too far-fetched but there was too much coincidence when I found out about Uma's strength as a shogi piece that it made sense to me to think that Haneda Koji's dying message points straight to RUM. However, I'm not sure how Haneda Koji figured out that RUM is Carasuma's number 2 in the first place. Maybe it was during his struggle against him before his death or maybe he overheard Amanda before her death talk about it, but so far this is what i came up with.

I hope you guys enjoyed this part of my theory. The final points will be addressed in Part 3 (linked here) so have fun 😁💛

(In cased you missed the first post, this is the link for Part 1)!

#dcmk #dcmk theories #dcmk character analysis #case closed #detective conan #wakasa rumi #rumi wakasa #wakasa-sensei #wakasa sensei #asaca #RUM #rum #Rum #Rum arc #RUM arc #Haneda Koji #case from 17 years ago #dc character analysis

27 notes · View notes