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imjustaf444keriguess · 7 months ago

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sources time

(base links for some of the sources: sophie's page, the guardians doc. also note i am not a scientist and could be wrong, and some of these sources might not be super good sources or reliable. if you wish to debunk any sources and their claims with better evidence, feel free. also, not all of these sources directly say "this is 100% a real phenomenon", but shows that currently, there are studies being worked on and planned to explore what people are already experiencing, and how non-traumagenic plurality differs from traumagenic plurality)

edit: adding a read more, nothing has changed i just hate scrolling past this on my blog

the tulpa study's AMA (if it's been published i'll edit this once i know of it)

Collective-Screaming 6mo ago Hi! Nice to see you two here :D If you can say, what differences did you find between how the brain expresses both the host and the created headmate (tulpa)? Was there any difference between when someone was fully switched in and just controlling (possessing, whether fully or just some parts of) the body?

michael_lifshitz 6mo ago Hi, thanks for your question! Our strongest finding was when we looked at tulpa possession. We were using a simple writing task in the fMRI. We found that when a tulpa is possessing the body and writing a sentence, there is reduced activity in a particular part of the brain that's involved in planning actions and having a sense of agency over your actions (the pre-supplementary motor area, or pre-SMA). This suggests that tulpamancers have learned to down-regulate this key agency/planning region, which lets an alternative agent (the tulpa) take control. It's pretty amazing that tulpa systems can do this on demand. We did have a few tulpamancers who could switch, but we haven't carefully looked at their data yet to see how it's different from normal possession. That's a secondary analysis we're planning after the main results come out :)

(there is more information in the AMA thread, but this comment is Lifshitz using the term "tulpa system", which is amusing when anti-endos and sysmeds insist that system is exclusive to DID.)

tulpas and mental health, a study of online tulpamancers and their experiences with mental health

an "explorative interview study" on multiples personal experiences

"exploring the experiences of young people with multiplicity" mentions:

Respondents discussed that there is a lack of understanding regarding how multiplicity develops without a basis in trauma. For respondents who did not have a trauma history, they described feeling ‘left out of the conversation’ and ‘unable to access support’ or resources. Many people discussed multiplicity in terms of being an experience and a part of their lives, rather than being a ‘disorder’ which needs to be treated or cured. [...] A greater level of understanding and resources were mentioned as being needed within both research and practice.

a similar paper by the same people as the above one that's "exploring the utility and personal relevance of co-produced multiplicity resources"

1.Assuming that someone has multiplicity because they have been abused can be experienced as disempowering and impersonal. Don’t assume a trauma history or pathology. If suitable and appropriate, the young person may wish to confide in you in their own time. An identify of being multiple can exist separately from a young person who has experienced abuse. Multiplicity can be viewed as posiitve by young people.

conceptualizing multiplicity spectrum experiences

5.1.1 Misinterpretation of multiplicity experiences Research discussed the lack of diversity encapsulated in current explanations of multiplicity, with primarily medicalised perspectives explored and validated by support and research (Floris & McPherson, 2015). Individuals discussed the link between their experiences and past traumatic events, which they often felt was part of the development of multiplicity (McRae et al., 2017; Parry et al., 2018); however, the conceptualizations of their trauma varied. While some discussed multiplicity in terms of protective factors against trauma (Fox et al., 2013; Zeligman et al., 2017), others felt experiences were separate from prior trauma (Perry et al., 2007). Often not captured within research that solely focuses on clinical aspects of multiplicity, not all experiences were discussed as being a result of trauma, which added to the complexity in understanding (Ribáry et al., 2017). The lack of standardized language was a barrier to understanding (Černis et al., 2020). Overall, a variety of unique terminology was reported, including ‘multiples’, ‘residents’ and ‘plural identity’ (Blunden & Billie., 2021; Ribáry et al., 2017). As a result, participants felt misaligned with current discussions around multiplicity, which is often more complex than current criteria and language elucidates.

6.1 Multiplicity: Disorder versus experience The findings of this review support the notion that multiplicity experiences are complex and varied, existing across a continuum inclusive of multiplicity, DID and derealization–depersonalization (Sar, 2011). Findings also recognized that individuals with lived experiences can struggle to articulate their experiences, perhaps due to a limited framework of available language, representative of our developing understanding and the nuances surrounding multiplicity. Consequently, as with other mental health experiences, multiplicity is often oversimplified and depersonalized, leading people to question their identity, exacerbating one of the central tenants of depersonalization, rather than supporting self-acceptance. As detailed in Table 2, there are unique features associated with multiplicity, DID and depersonalization–derealization disorder, which warrant individual exploration, terminology and support.

the creators of the TOSD mentioning other forms of plurality and the need to study them

Dissociation in Hypnosis and Mediumship Our definition of dissociation pertains to a division of the personality in the context of trauma. We are aware that this division may also occur in hypnosis and mediumship, that several other definitions of dissociation also address these other contexts, and that there are some indications that dissociation in these other contexts is also best understood as a division of personality. For example, Hilgard's well-known “hidden observer,” as found in some highly hypnotizable subjects, involves a dissociative part of the personality that is endowed with consciousness and self-consciousness, but the phenomenon is disputed (e.g., CitationKihlstrom, 1998; CitationKirsch & Lynn, 1998). Mediumship may involve conscious and self-conscious dissociative parts of the personality (CitationBraude, 1995). However, dissociation in mediums is in several regards different from dissociation in DID (CitationMoreira-Almeida, Neto, & Cardeña, 2008). The possible involvement of consciousness and self-consciousness in dissociated controls in hypnosis and in dissociative parts in mediumship needs to be examined in more detail before a conclusive general definition of dissociation can be formulated.

the ICD and DSM's exclusions. notably, the ICD uses the same language for its "boundary with normality" as it does for the alters themselves.

(EG is "for example", so it is not the only possibility it's excluding)

(note criteria C and D)

#there is more that i like but i am too tired and distracted.

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more-than-a-princess · 9 days ago

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It's been a little while since I've chatted here OOC, so I wanted to give an update on this blog. In short, between my job and my medication side effects, it's really hard for me to write most days right now. When I was writing 1-2 posts per day over here for 7-14 posts per week, I now write roughly the amount I'd write in 1 week (although it's not fiction. Different sort of writing) every 1-2 days at my job. I'm pretty burned out when I get home, and it's unrelenting due to current politics and managing a university-aged intern that needs a lot of guidance. That said, if you're a fellow millennial who handles younger interns in the workplace, I'd love some feedback/ideas to bounce off!

It's not great right now, particularly with having to work as hard as I do and being told, by both strangers and family, every day that I shouldn't even have this job and I deserve to lose my position. Beyond the uncomfortable side effects I get from my usual medications, my mental health is in a not-so-great place at present.

So I write when I can on the weekends. Some weekends work better than others: this past one I had to work during my time off to secure an interview I wouldn't normally be able to get, so that's a setback I'm working around. Still, with this in mind, I'm not taking on any new threads unless my writing partners would like to end a current thread to start something new. I know my lack of activity here contributes to a lack of interest and replies, and I'm truly sorry about that. I wish I had more time and energy to devote to the dash, to discord, to all of it. But at least through the summer, that's a struggle. I'm trying to be active here, but starting a bunch of new threads isn't the answer right now.

And if you simply don't want to write with me anymore and/or don't have an interest in my muse, then no hard feelings. I'm glad we were able to write what we did together and I wish you the best of luck in the RPC.

Mostly, I'm trying to preserve what's left of my mental health with anime (I'm loving Apothecary Diaries and have mixed feelings on Lazarus) and getting better at Mario Kart (I have Mario Kart 8, though I've played a bit of the recent Switch 2 game).

All that is to say: I'm trying to do better. I'm doing the best I can. But more days than not I'm just too burned out from how much I write for my job and too depressed by how much some people hate what I do for a living to be creative.

#more-than-a-princess musings #(And I can't even start looking for a new position yet: not in this job market and not when I need some additional credentials)#(At least I'll have a break from handling interns for awhile)

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bohemianwritings · 9 months ago

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STARTING NEW: HOW TO GET STARTED STRIPPING and SWITCHING SEX WORK

Hi, Boho’s, I am up early and it’s because of y’all! I had a reader reach out to me about wanting to know how to get started and switching from one type of sex work to another in the industry. Also, I thought it might be helpful to talk about the challenges that come from your first few shifts, how to overcome nerves, and the similarities and differences between the different types of sex work and why stripping can be complementary.

That felt super wordy, and I apologize but what a great idea from one of our readers. Thank you all for supporting and reading. This blog will always be free of ads or spam. I don’t accept payments of any kind. This work is for your eyes only and I hope it helps.

HOW TO GET STARTED STRIPPING & SWITCHING SEX WORK

Baby strippers listen up! Or want to be dancers or aspiring entertainers, today we are going to talk about finally making the switch. That’s right to go into the club and fill out that application. Not just nailing the audition which I have another post about. But what it’s like to work there for the first few days and weeks and how to keep a positive mental attitude while staying somewhat in reality.

Let’s say you’ve nailed your audition thanks to this sweet blog here and you’re ready for your first real shift. The first shift after the audition NEVER counts, you don’t know the club, the drinks, the clients, or the girls. The first shift doesn’t plan on making anything and being happy with what you do end up with. The first night is all about research – don’t get drunk, be super observant of everything you see, and don’t expect to make much. (My first night I made $340, and I’ll never forget it).

The second shift (after your hired shift) might feel awkward. There isn’t the anxiety or excitement that might be there from the first night. However, use this to your advantage! I’m dead serious. The first 6 months of your stripping career the money will come the easiest and the fastest. Now you might not make the most because you don’t know the ways to hustle but it will be easy money. There are several reasons for this.

1. You are fresh meat. The club and the clients see this and will respond accordingly.

2. You are not a hardened veteran and that vulnerability in the club is only seen with baby strippers.

3. You might not have firm boundaries. This is different per person but the longer I danced, the less I put up with.

4. People don’t mind if you tell them, you are new. They like it and it’s a great icebreaker.

The other great way to start on a good foot is to tip all the staff. Tip your door girl, manager (if they are allowed to take tips), DJ, Bartender, and favorite waitress or VIP girl. DO NOT spend your money tipping other dancers. I have another post on why dancers are not your friends. Invest wisely in the people who will let you know when the club is hot or slow, who to go sit with, or who is looking for a dancer. They will be most likely your biggest allies especially if they know you tip them. I would always give like my extra $20 to the door changing out funny money and tipping out the DJ so I don’t have to go on stage etc.

Locker Room Dynamics

This one like in gym class can be SO hard to figure out at a new club. Unless your club assigns lockers (and some do) you will have to pick your own. This means making sure you are not stealing someone else’s normal spot. This might be one person, or it might be a clique of dancers in the top corner. Whatever the reason find a locker on the bottom somewhere discreet until you get the lay of the land.

Do not spend time in the locker room when you are new. This is an easy way to psyche yourself out and get hazed. Come ready to work (full makeup and everything) and just change out quickly in the dressing room. In and out quickly. Once you figure out the girls and personalities you can start to get ready in there or do more things but at first keep to yourself and thank me later.

Cell Phone & Purse

It’s standard now to carry a bag around with you to put your money, lip gloss, phone, mirror, and whatever else. What is not standard is sitting at the bar on your phone because you are too scared to approach people. Whatever you do, do not get out your phone. It’s a HUGE turn-off to anyone coming in or looking over at you. If you are looking at your phone, you will miss huge signs that someone is into you or someone worthwhile just walked in. Clients will not come up to you if you are on your phone. The only time you should get your phone out is to accept Venmo etc. and get their contact info but never GIVE out your real number. Get a burner number app like Text Now.

Cute Outfits and Makeup

I cannot stress enough that when you look good, you’ll feel good and make more money. At a new club, I would always come in super ready for work, dressed super glam. I looked the same as the day they hired me (v. demure v. mindful). I would do this because it would be a huge confidence boost. I would always plan my outfits and switch halfway through my shifts. It was predictable to know what I was going to look like and wear. Also, find comfy clothes that are easy to get on and off and are durable lol keep those in rotation. In addition, find makeup that doesn’t make your skin break out. The last thing you want to worry about is caked-up makeup on inflamed skin. Keep it the same, simple routine with clothes and makeup.

Hair

This is where I say do whatever you want and that the club allows. Some might have rules even though they shouldn’t.

DAY 5

So now let’s say you’ve done a few shifts and gotten the hang of things, now what? The newness has worn off and it might seem like a job (because it is.) This is when you need to focus on your WHY YOU STARTED. Get that bag and get off your phone (unless you are bringing in regulars). I have a post on landing regular clients, but you should be doing this DAY 1 if not by DAY 5, within two weeks even at a new club I would have regulars. It was that easy. So, schedule your regulars, put your favorite outfit on, don’t get too drunk, and remember why you started – trust me it probably wasn’t to pretend you’re having fun with men twice your age.

STARTING AT A NEW CLUB

Perhaps you are more of a seasoned veteran who is moving to a new city or started working in a different subset of the sex industry and wants to try stripping for the first time. The tips above apply as well but I have some additional insights for switching.

If you are just moving and going from club to club the transition is much easier. Clubs just have different rules in different cities that you must abide by or could get fined. Still, take the first night as a loss and go in the second night ready to hustle. By 1 week you should be comfortable and if not then find a different club that matches your vibe more. I would never stick it out longer than a week if I was unhappy and/or not making $.

The best part about starting as a new club is using it as an opportunity to reinvent yourself. Dye your hair, get a nose job, boobs done, BBL, fillers, who cares. No one from the old club will be there and you can even get a whole new stage name. I don’t suggest this because I would forget my name if it wasn’t the same at every club.

SWITCHING ROLES

But when you are switching from one profession in sex work to another like if you were an escort or OF girl coming to the strip club it will take on a whole different level of reality. For cam girls, or virtual OF workers, sitting in the club with real people that might be able to touch you can be intimidating. For the touching, (if you allow this) you will get used to it and it won’t feel as overwhelming after about a month. I would alleviate some of that sensory overload by taking a shower immediately when I got home.

Cam or virtual girl-to-club will be different because you can only talk to really one patron at a time. You can go back and forth but that is exhausting and can cause jealousy between the patrons or with the other dancers and I don’t recommend it. Unlike online where dozens of people might be tipping or watching the idea here is to go after the one that spends the most. You don’t want to sit with a bunch of people tipping $1 because it’s not as fast as it is online. Find the one who will tip $$$$$$$ and latch onto them the whole night. I would kick other girls out of my section if they came close to my customer.

For escorts, this might be easier depending on the type of arrangement but in my experience, escorting is mostly done in person. This will HELP you in the club in a ton of ways. You are used to meeting strangers and having a conversation at least. You know what kind of banter to have and what rules are expected. However, DO NOT tell anyone you escort. THEY WILL TAKE ADVANTAGE OF YOU AT BEST or try and get you fired or arrested at worst. Keep that a big, BIG secret, and don’t go looking for “John’s at the clubs” as the movie The Hangover would lead you to believe. Keep each aspect of the business different as they are not comparable except, they belong to the same industry. Also, keep your boundaries extremely firm. You might be used to escorting and allowing some behaviors for some and not others. In the club, treat them all the same. Don’t make exceptions that will blur lines and make you uncomfortable. Compared to escorting, stripping is just different. Less is expected, you make less but it’s easier work overall. The emotional toll isn’t as high.

Just because you are new doesn’t mean you have to take shit from the dancers or anyone else that works there or the patrons themselves. Know your worth. You can find another club and leave whenever you want. You hold the power. Don’t let anything in that environment tell you otherwise. Also the first 6 months you will make the most money at a new club or as a baby stripper. Take advantage and work as much as possible. After 6 months the newness wears off and you’ll see another new girl getting the attention you first got. Keep going, it’s not about how much you make per shift but being consistent with yourself, your goals and your clients.

Love & Glitter,

#exoticdancer #exstripper #sexwork

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nobloodshed101 · 2 years ago

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My opinion on the fell Poth / Poth stans. [½]

[trigger warning!!: pedophilia, my own opinion.]

Btw if you don’t like this don’t read because this isn't a place supporting these ships, no one's making you read this, or anything so please fuck off if you just going to just bitch.

For this blog, I'll be discussing the ship Poth. Of course, you can ship it but don’t make it weird.

By weird I mean by nekophys idea around the ship, which is just disgustingly weird, by that I mean.

When nekophy made goths design childlike, their excuse of this was because goths parents were geno and death and that means goth doesn’t age physically, even when nekophy says goth was 20 the character looked like a toddler. They could have easily made him look his age and only stopped at 20, not to mention that raven [aka goths brother] somehow doesn’t age physically like his brother and look his age.

between the art of palette and goth it made it out to look like a pedophilic ship. Which some of stans from Poth supported the idea. [also being that half of Neko Phys fans were children which this creator basically broadcasted this adult-child relationship.]

The fandom is far worse though, the fandom has either over sexualized the two Indvidual's or making them very awkward and out of canon, the Poth ship was felt more forced than anything. There was no character growth between them or having it feel like there was any love in it.

Of course the friends to lovers trope isn't bad at all, unless you know how to do it right, the dynamic ship between palette and goth was just dreadful and at times annoying, at times during these interactions it felt like palette wasn’t INTRESTED in goth like goth had feelings for palette- it seemed so one sided even if you switched the roles. though still the fandom still starts to force these two together just because they were ‘cute’ which is an idiotic reason, and plus makes no sense if you ship two fictional characters because they’re cute or seem like good friends.

Not to mention how out of character the characters were, and how they made palette this big Zaddy alpha and goth a softie uwu little omega needing protection all time, it was so uncomfortable and mind draining that makes the ship very toxic in a way, it makes it feel like it's just two other people and not the original characters.

I get in every fandom there will be bad stans but that doesn’t excuse half the shit they did and traumatized some minors while doing it and shows them that some of the dynamics between these ships are considered ‘okay’ just because it was drawn cute.

Some of Poth stans are just toxic in general, they don’t care for plot or morals only that they get their ‘omg so cute gay softie stuff!’ which a horrible mind set and for another failure ship I'll be discussing and the 2nd part in this which is about fell Poth and might be a little longer, but back to topic.

This mentality must stop cause it's just sickening at this point how long this ship has grown and not in a good way at all, also being that the two characters can't love someone else but that certain character, its normal to ship a character with someone ese who you think is compatible for each other.

But of course, there's those type of people who think their entitled to others ships and say that character you're shipping with a different character with is wrong just because they aren't with their character, they think is better, for an example ill show a demonstration here with person A and person B.

Person A: “oh wow! I like these two characters together better; I like their dynamic better.”

Person B: “you can't do that!”

Person A: “why?”

Person B: “because I don’t like that ship dynamic and mine is better and yours is poopy and dumb >: {“

Do you see what I mean here?

You of course could have your opinions and all, but you shouldn’t force or attack someone else for not having the same opinion as you.

And that’s another thing from fandom! They are very quick to judge someone or something if it doesn’t match their ideal of a certain subject.

Not to mention goth after these past YEARS hasn’t got any lore or growth from nekophy, he was just left at a dust shelf and let her fanbase do what they please with goth even if it morally wrong, I think nekophy should just give up on ownership of goth already by how little care their character is receiving or attention.

And by that, I mean to someone who will have head canons and lore for goth and have him be not so robotic.

But of course, you may have your opinions on this matter. I'd love to read about it in the comments from your perspective.

Okay Cya bye <<333

#long rant #my opinion #fell poth is canceled #undertale #undertale au #nbs!rambles #palettesans #gothsans #rurikroller #lotus afterdeath #poth #fell poth

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lefayfolkwitch · 6 months ago

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I'm really not trying to have a mental breakdown on Tumblr, but fuck. I have a lot of good things happening in my life right now. I've been having such a wonderful time with my fiance and our wedding is next week. That being said, I feel so out of touch. Not to say I haven't had great moments where I feel like myself, but I keep slipping into these tangents. Honestly, I feel a little confused, and I don't know if I just need to ground myself. I will say I started to notice this during yule after one of our parts, Feral fronted for the first time in ages. I don't know if we've been switching, co-conscious, or I'm just mentally unwell, but I don't feel very in control. Yesterday I was great until we had to go to the store and I've felt like shit all day. Now I just realized that I've been acting really weird sometimes, and I'm self-conscious about it. I don't know if I'm supposed to just sit back and accept that I don't feel well. Like, sometimes you're going to mentally suffer even if your life is going better than normal and that's okay? Maybe it's silly to think that I should be doing well because good things are happening in my life when I have several debilitating mental health conditions. Also, our therapist has been out on medical leave for a couple of weeks, and our temp therapist doesn't know we have OSDD, so it's not like we can talk about it. When you have such a stigmatized mental health condition, it doesn't feel safe just to go to anyone about it. I know that's ironic because I'm writing a Tumblr blog about it, but for the most part, that's different. Like, if we start having a mental health crisis, I can't just go to the hospital because that rarely ever helps. At least I can say that we're building a better support system. Ironically, right now, I don't really have anyone to talk to.

#mental health #mental health blog #mental illness #trauma #trauma processing #osdd #osdd system #osdd host #osdd 1b

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chidoroki · 1 year ago

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"hope is the thing with feathers" is actually the title of a poem by emily dickinson!!

I'm aware and it's not the only song from Robin's album that shares this trait either, as "If I Can Stop One Heart From Breaking" is also a song that references another poem by Emily Dickinson. First things first:

I'm not too great at dissecting poems, but the way I can connect the poem and song (or the situation it's heard in, at least) is how they both showcase how this feeling of hope is an undying emotion that's capable of enduring whatever kind of troublesome situations people may face up if they choose to embrace it, without asking for much in return. When the song switches up from instrumental to the full rendition during phase three of the Harmonious Choir/Sunday boss fight courtesy of Robin's arrival above the field, she undeniably lends your team a helping hand, not only because she's an iconic and reliable idol, but also joining in an attempt to personally remind Sunday of the dream they once shared and how she'll face any sort of hardships in order to achieve that kind of future alongside him if he regains his right state of mind. On a personal note, this is probably my favorite song from her at the moment. I can not praise Chevy enough for her fantastic vocals as Robin. (and Alice too of course. both ladies deserve the upmost praise for making Robin such a precious and memorable character.)

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As for the second song.. ah, it's just a good heartbreak. Despite being another song by Robin, it's safe to say so many of us associate it more with Firefly due to how prominent it was during the rooftop scene where she told us a bit of her past, the Entropy Loss Syndrome she has to deal with and her hopes. After learning more of her backstory from her animated short and myriad celestia trailers, I think it's easier to see how the "I shall not live in vain" line from the poem fits her life. Being created as a weapon, her own life wasn't hers to live from the very beginning and ultimately leads her down a tragic path to the point where her comrades and entire planet is destroyed. The pain persists not only emotionally and mentally but physically too as her engineered body isn't fit for a normal lifespan, only getting to experience that kind of wish in Penacony's dreamscapes, where she "can ease one life the aching." Little fun fact that I heard about was that Analesa (Firefly's EN va) did that entire rooftop scene in just one take and to completely nail it on the first try by drawing in all that emotion due to experiences with their own chronic illness is nothing short of amazing.

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I was about to end the post there and toss in a mention of how much I also adore "Had I Not Seen the Sun" and it's probably my second favorite song from Robin, but.. surprise surprise! It is also a reference to yet another poem by Emily Dickinson that I haven't realized until this moment. The song is obviously about herself and Sunday, the different directions they've taken and the "eternal separation" that Elio said (or who we assumed to be him during that one 2.2 cutscene) they're doomed to face. How the siblings current situation reflects the poem itself.. hmm, I wanna say that because Robin was able to see a brighter future for the people and constantly strive to bring happiness into their lives, she was able to be spared from falling into darkness, unlike Sunday who basically became that patch's main villain..? Something like that, I dunno. These poems are so short honestly yet hold so much meaning that I can't fathom at a glance.

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(and not that it matters but since this was asked on this blog related to anime, I have a hunch that Robin made a deal with Jade to save Sunday's life, which is obvious enough due to the 2.3 ending cutscene sure, but I believe the price our idol paid was that the siblings could no longer see each other again. The situation itself reminded me very much of The Promised Neverland and the result of the new promise Emma made with the demon god; how all the cattle children could live and cross over to the human world but she alone could never join them, therefore being separated from them and losing her memory. I mean, being separated is bad enough, but if Jade is able to take Robin's memories of Sunday too.. oh boy. I'd hope not but it could be the reason why Robin referred to Sunday as the former Head of the Oak Family instead of by name or calling him her brother during the 2.3 story.)

#a wild ask appeared #honkai star rail #video #i am very normal about this game. sooo incredibly casual about it. yup. pffttt yeah right. if anyone hasnt had the chance #to try it out yet then you must definitely should!! if not for the great story or music (which id still praise so very highly) im sure #there's gotta be at least one character out of the entire bunch that'll surely catch your attention! i shall bet on it!

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castelvetrano · 2 years ago

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hi! You mentioned you used to be vegetarian, and now you eat meat and dairy etc. I've been a strict vegetarian my whole life and am considering incorporating some meat into my diet since I struggle with digesting fiber. But right now I have this huge mental block because I cannot imagine eating animals and am really grossed out by the concept. I was wondering if you could share your experience of eating meat again, was it a hard transition for you mentally and/or digestion-wise? Did you switch back also for health reasons, bc if so could you share how it affected how you felt before and after? I hope this isn't too personal. Love your blog! :)

I think once you start feeling the benefits of heating high quality animal products like pasture raised eggs, grass fed meat, butter, cheese, organic milk, pasture raised chickens like animal products especially red meat have all of the vital nutrients for humans that we need and that you can’t get anywhere else - you’ll immediately feel better I promise. You’ll notice the difference in your digestion, skin, mental health, feeling full and energized. I felt deprived, that i was rarely satisfied, that I was eating processed food and oat milk with oils and gums and all this fake stuff. When you do try meat again, I wouldn’t go and eat like McDonalds but next time you go for dinner at a nice restaurant where you know the quality is good - order the steak (I love NY strip, or ribeye) and just enjoy it, know that it’s healthy and vital for you. Vegan/vegetarian is not sustainable, you can not get all the vital nutrients you need, it’s a fad, and it’s not better for the environment. Support your local butchers! And buy seasonal produce. You’ll naturally be hesitant reintroducing a food into your diet but I think you’ll really like it. I honestly loved meat as I kid and I brainwashed myself into thinking I didn’t. Maybe think back to your childhood and what you enjoyed, what was normal. I think it’s sad how we restrict ourselves. Meat and dairy are life, I’ve never felt more healthy, free and happy 🫶🏼

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tony-andonuts · 2 years ago

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Every day it feels even more like i might have osdd

#is it normal to feel mentally different when switching blogs????#like-#idk how to describe it but #upon starting to use my aesthetic blog again and editing the theme it felt like something shifted #and the way i percieve and internally monologue has slightly changed #like rn i cant even bring myself to swear or think about sex #which is suuuuper ooc for me #it could be autism induced dramatic mood changes tho #idk #im not gonna self id until i have more info but yeah #idk shits weird #shut up tony #also like- what trauma did i go through that wouldve caused osdd if i have it??#because the first traumatic incident i know of was when i was 6 #and i think thats a bit too late for the criteria iirc #eh whatever im able to do what i need to do and it is what it is ig

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sleepsuck · 3 years ago

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The Sabrina Study

Sabrina was a bright and upcoming researcher, but what she specialized in had concerned her colleagues: suggestible neural interfaces. There already were extensive studies of devices that allowed humans to mentally connect with and control technology. What interested her was the other way around. She wanted to make the first breakthrough towards devices that send signals to the human brain. Naturally the implications of such technology was ethically troublesome, but the demand for it was definitely there. Along with the private funding that came with it. "If it's possible, someone will develop it anyways," she would justify. And her job was simply to find out if it's possible and how far it could go.

If you asked her though, she was unashamed of her deep personal interest in her research. To Sabrina it wasn't just about the potential academic fame. Even before she decided to pursue neuroscience she was hooked on the possibilities through fiction. Her favorite blogs focused on women reduced to a mindless mess through all sorts of methods. Crystals, spirals, headphones, glasses... all of it turned her on. But she wondered why some of the more advanced brainwashing technology in these stories didn't exist yet. Sure some drugs might be closer to making the mind suggestible, yet she always felt a more logical approach to control was hottest. And therefore, more efficient.

Of course she tried to remain professional during her research, despite the sexual interests being her main driving factor. Although she couldn't help how those thoughts would influence some of her most successful ideas later. She started simply with existing EEG technology, which can measure electrical activity in the brain through electrodes on the scalp. This used to involve a lot of wires and small metal discs, but eventually their designs were simplified as the process evolved.

While wearing one of these headsets would allow a computer to scan brain activity, it wasn't capable of manipulating signals in the brain. But instead, these real-time scans could also activate other external devices. Set it up properly, and a person could turn on a light with just their mind. But of course, Sabrina knew there were other kinds of switches she would rather flip. Connect them to a vibrator in just the right spots, and you could easily start a feedback loop of pleasure. Of course a vibrator by itself wouldn't work for everyone, but it was a good starting point. Eventually she discovered a safe way to send a slight electric shock with the vibrations that would ensure endogenous zones were properly stimulated. The subject would only think of what they want to feel, and the device would accommodate them. And the better it felt, the more they thought about it.

But to Sabrina, that felt like it wasn't really influencing the subject. The device would merely be giving them what they already wanted and could already get themselves. Sure it would still be effective, but what she wanted was something stronger and more lasting. What she really needed was a similar experiment that would train the subject in a different way. A way that would prove how this new suggestible technology could actually take over and condition someone.

When she eventually figured out how to accurately achieve this, she was surprised at how obvious it was. Through connecting pleasure more directly with brain activity, Sabrina already had an easy method of influencing the mind. But in order to demonstrate the power you could have over someone, she decided to first break them down. You simply stimulate the subject every time their brain activity went below a certain threshold. The main idea being that if you give them enough time to think normally, they will eventually wander into the desired mental state all on their own. And when they're rewarded for finding these thoughts, they'll start searching for that mindset again once the pleasure subsides. After ignoring any brain activity responding to the device stimulation, and progressively lowering the limit over time, you eventually reduce the subject down to a mindlessly wet mess.

Sabrina was confident that after initial conditioning was complete, further programming would be trivial. Finding willing test subjects however was difficult. Well, other than herself of course. She couldn't help but see firsthand how effective her dream sexual fantasy was. The reality ended up so overwhelming that to describe the experience as "addicting" would be a drastic understatement. If she wasn't careful, Sabrina would fall victim to her own research forever. And that thought never failed to make her moan.

Luckily she had an assistant to watch over her during these personal experiments. In return, she would let him have his way with her. Anything and everything was on the table, since Sabrina needed to fully explore possible side effects. Many post-sessions were spent blissfully deepthroating his cock and drooling the cum onto her tits. The rhythmic motion of sliding her lips up and down the shaft made her feel so warm and tired, especially when he talked to her.

After somewhat surviving these hazy experiments, she had accomplished her first major breakthrough in the field. Her revolutionary prototype had managed to be redesigned more fashionably as a choker. Obviously she was the first to wear one. Then it became easier for her to find more women to become subjects. Once a few fell into that deep neural connection, the interface's control quickly spread to thousands. We called them all Sabrinas, actually. It felt fitting at the time. And without fail every Sabrina eventually gave in to the interface. The results were quite astounding.

These days the original Sabrina still helps a lot with new projects here. You'd be surprised at how knowledgeable she still is despite years of brainwashing. Thanks to her, our company has become an unstoppable technological force. And as her assistant, I'm always looking up to her for inspiration. Even if she is under my desk right with her face in my crotch slobbering away.

I'm telling you all of this because the old hypnosis stories rarely talked about the actual hard work in this field to make it what it is today. Knowing the full context helps paint a clear picture. Understanding why you surrender only makes it easier, don’t you agree? So just listen to your choker and let everything else come naturally. A good Sabrina is a happy Sabrina, and a happy Sabrina obeys.

#hypnosis #mind control #brainwash

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souldivided · 2 years ago

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finally coming to terms with the idea that i might be plural. if i am i think there’s only one other guy in here. he’s kind of like me when i was in high school so he would be a snapshot (i’ve been spending the day on pluralpedia). but it’s just him and me and i am the original. i’m going to give some backstory on relevant stuff i guess.

first a note: the blog name is not supposed to be related or anything, i don’t believe in the concept of souls for myself. it’s just a username i’ve been squatting on for awhile and thought i could use it here. just to be silly. thanks

i have ID’ed as a dog therian since around 2017. i learned about tulpas through the therian community but was not sure about my beliefs and if they were for me. i was ultimately skeptical of them, but when i had a mental health episode i tried to create some, a giant sentient teddy bear and a fictional character that i won’t be identifying because it embarrasses me. these two acted as my protectors and helped encourage me to do basic tasks for awhile, but ultimately they were just akin to imaginary friends as they were outside my body and i do not take them seriously.

about a year ago i started taking medication for my ocd. most weird mental health related things in my youth i have attributed to that since i’ve felt more “normal” since starting it.

however, there is another guy in here, who as previously mentioned is similar to how i was in high school. he does not talk to me at all so it is really hard for me to decide if he is actually there. he only comes out when i’ve taken too much emotional stress and his purpose is to be pissed off for me. his main thing is lashing out at people but he is very quiet beforehand, i don’t notice when he switches in because he just sits there fuming until he lashes out. he retreats once i’ve calmed down and i don’t know where he goes, i believe he is there in the headspace(?) but i can’t access it or communicate with him except when he is out. i have a huge lack of knowledge about him but for some reason know some mundane things, like his music tastes (which are part of mine, i like a lot of different music and i can tell that he likes 90s grunge and post-punk, which i like but i like other stuff too. here he differs from how i was in high school because i didn’t listen to that). i also know he likes skateboarding. i don’t skate but i think it’s cool. ironically the only times i’ve ever tried however, it was like the opposite feeling to what i normally get from him. very happy and excited. it’s not something i’m super into but i might try to learn since he likes it so much. more generic stuff like name, age, sexuality, i don’t really know. he is definitely a masculine presence like how i viewed myself back then, though now i am genderfluid. i think that he’s 15-17 in age and i assume him to be bisexual because i was, but he might be straight idk. i call him Jason because it seems sort of right. during that time in my life i used j names, never that one though.

here is picrews of us, me on the left and him on the right. i won’t be talking much about myself or giving my real name here for privacy reasons, but no one who knows me knows about Jason so whatever

so yeah that is my story if anyone who knows more about plurality or systems than me wants to comment or DM me i would REALLY appreciate it

#plural #plurality #system #questioning #alterhuman #endo system?

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elaineas-elysian · 2 years ago

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† ╰►┆" 𝑻𝒉𝒆 𝑬𝒏𝒄𝒐𝒖𝒏𝒕𝒆𝒓 " : 𝑪𝒉𝒂𝒑𝒕𝒆𝒓 𝑶𝒏𝒆 ꗃ †

┆[ ONE ] ; " As much as I don't nessasairly have a liking to calling certain subjects in a topic a simple "Tragedy" , things in one's mindset and an individual's philosophy may differ from other's, and from other's, I mean Me, Myself. If you think of a Haunting, It can correlate to a variety of different things, take a Haunted Victorian Mansion from the 1800's, or a Traumatic experience of oneself that affected their Mental Ability. It was that night, that specific Midnight. I remember passing a couple of Old Vintage paintings my Mother loved to displayed on each and every singular corridor, it meant everything to her, it brought her life despite encountering negative occurrences which only reminded her to grow as a stronger person and strive with prideful perseverance. I stopped for a moment glancing at those paintings, before casually leading my direction towards the specific place I was heading. I didn't take much consideration into my surrounding's at the time, it only made me realize how naive I really was before this Tragedy really happened. I knew I couldn't blame myself for the unexpected, but yet I still did being a younger child during that time, a mentality filled with Purity and Innocence was only a self explanatory expression. I recalled the ringing sound of church bells, it distracted my younger self from the Limousine ride which our final destination for the day was, home. The cold breeze hit against my face, I grew a satisfied smirk on my face, it felt as if dozens of weight's has been lifted off my shoulders from overwhelming exhaustion. Arriving home, I stepped inside the Manor to be introduced to an unfamiliar figure. The Woman's distinct features made her a memorable being amongst other's in my view point. Her sharp jawline, wide eyes, and silky smooth blonde hair, her psychial attributes that stood out the most to me. Via would always claim how a personal maid would be great assistance for me, but I have always thought of the opposite otherwise. Furthermore, Leon agreed to this decision as well. As Mother and Father, they both wanted nothing more but to protect their own daughter from the Crucial truth of reality, leading her towards the right path without any secrets or misconceptions of whatsoever, Right? Is at least what I thought, now It's a guarantee of a question that is like one of the many missing puzzle pieces yet to be discovered throughout the many years I grow leading me closer to death Itself. In that closing day itself, who knew such chaotic measures can reach to an all time high, the thumping of decaying corpses scattered all around me, with the pits of flames that was a resemblance to Lucifer's destruction. Paulette carried me out the manor as my consciousness drifted away from my vision, blurred from identifying what was nearby me. I woke up in yet a similar mansion like mines, with only a portion of memory to solitify. Then after that Encounter, I proceeded with a normalized lifestyle, when I knew, what I discovered or "Encountered" , was definitely abnormal, unexplanatory. . . I was Unworldly myself, unwavering of what other individuals expressed, Assertive moreover. Eve may have ate the apple that the Snake persuaded her to eat, but don't get the wrong concluding thought, if the story switched it's roles, the philosophy was, I was the one who used a manipulative nature to find my answers, and to gain access to the ability which controlled others comprehension, and awareness. This will not be our final Encounter, not yet. " ┆[ < Diary Entry One > ]

{ ✉️ 🎻Admin's Note : This Entry made for my Original Character, Veriah Elyse, was a Re - Write of my Old background story which is mention in this Dairy Written post directed to one of my Old Blogs which is now not in Usage. I finally stated that I was going to come back to Tumblr after my long break to begin writing, Interacting, and Etc. So, here I am! feels terrific to finally start writing for everyone again! I enjoyed writing this for everyone, @mins-fins I know how much you we're looking fowards to this post so I'm tagging lovely! <3 More coming soon! ✉️ 🎻}

#📜. veriah's diary entries #🌘. veriah's inner thoughts #🖊️. character information #veriah elyse #diabolik lovers oc

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instantcloudengineer · 3 years ago

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'The Creature'

Part |

Eyeless Jack headcanons:

(✍ Bloggers note: Hello and welcome to my blog! For mine first post I will be posting some of mine headcanons for EJ the creepypasta.)

⚠️ All credits to the rightfull creator of EJ ⚠️

⚠️TW:mention of depression,manupulation,stalking and canibalism. ⚠️

°Please keep in mind that i'm doing this for pure entertainment and that I don't mean to be disrespectfull in anyway.

English is not mine first language so i'm sorry for any grammatical mistakes.

Now with that out of the way let's get into it...

♤ Eyeless Jack is a demon because of that his 'eyes' are all black, therefor he looks eyeless. Sometimes a black liquid will be dripping out of his 'eyes'.

• Jack's demon form is mostly blind during the day because his 'eyes' ar very sensitive to light, so he uses his other senses like smell and hearing. During the night he can see pretty well that's why most of his murders take place then.

•Beacause I headcanon demons to be very tall creatures, I think of EJ to be around 6'8 to 7'0 that's around 203 to 213 cm.

• I also headcanon him to be pretty musculer, bacause of the demon and his past body.

•Jack has brownish black hair.

•Jack has clawed hands and very sharp theeth.

•His skin is grey with black claws.

•His voice is deep and a bit raspy and slow but somehow gentle and comforting.

•Jack wears a royal blue mask with empty black socets not because he is insecure but because he knows that he has a bit of a scary face wich he's confident in. And don't get me wrong he loves the screams of his victems but his ears are pretty sensitive so too loud screams are a bit annoying.

• And because this mans loves looking intimedating he wears all black with only his mask being a different coulor.

♤ EJ is the type of killer who is very patient but also very very sadistic. He's known to switch between taking his sweet time to find the 'perfect' victim and killing just to kill.

•he's not only patient and sadistic but also pretty calculating and very intelligent, especially in dark psychology and medical knowledege., and he is pretty quick.

•Jack is very human like and because he is a demon he can take the form of a human, as a human he can see pretty well. He usually changes to his past human self form but he likes to use that ability to find his next victim and gain their trust by being a 'human' and being a relateble friend for them just to randomly disappear and slowly poses their house and mess with their mental health.

•Jack also can poses people he just doesn't care that much for that ability.

•Jack is known to stalk his victims and trying to get in their heads through whispering in their head and making them feel depressed and bringing negative happenings. When the time comes he will posses their house and show himselfs through mirrors and communication through ouiji bords he will try to manipulate his victim by making them trust him. sometimes he will predict a negative future through tarot cards to try to manipulate his victim into thinking that they can 'prepare' for their unfortunate future or he will manipulate the cards in a way that will show a positive outcome even though it's far from the thruth. And that's why Eyeless Jack is seen as one of the most powerfull demons on earth, because he is 'tempering' with the power of your spirit guides and guardian angel and he has a human form that most demons can't act out without alerting humans. (To make it more clear Jack can basicly be in his human form without acting 'weird'. So if you see him he will look like a normal human minding his own buisness and going about his day.)

• When Jack decides to kill his victim he will show up in the room and wake them up and kill them on the spot or he will take them to his cabin in the woods and torture them and then kill them.

• Jack usually uses his medical knowledge to despose his victims and cut out all their eternal organs especialy the thoracic ones.

• His diet is basicly human flesh, organs and human blood. although he sometimes does eat wild animals but that's very rare. In his human form he can eat normal human food but he isn't a fan of it.

♤ Because Jack is a demon he can act very animalistic. He usually uses that ability to get on all fours and scare his victims or just to kill them. He can also climb, so he uses that to climb up a wall and ceiling to make his victims scared for their lives just to disappear.

So this where mine first headcanons for EJ, I hope you liked them I will probably post a little bit more about EJ so stay tuned for that.

Have a nice day or night and take care.

~ 💋

#headcanon #eyeless jack #creepypasta headcanon #eyeless jack headcanons #creepypasta #fanfiction #creepypasta fandom

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absolutebl · 4 years ago

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This Week in BL

March 2021 Part 4

Being a highly subjective assessment of one tiny corner of the interwebs.

This is a LONG ONE, it’s been A WEEK everyone.

Ongoing Series - Thai

Lovely Writer Ep 5 - a little slow this week, but at least Gene finally flirted back, and very cute flirting it was, too. Also we got Aey’s motivation, background, and love interest. Thank goodness for that.

Brothers Ep 8 - still pants, what can I say? Clearly I am a BL masochist. Very embarrassing for everyone concerned.

1000 Stars Ep 9 - the conflict over Tian’s father was REALLY well done. The plot of this drama is excellent, the leads are great together, and yes I totally cried. What, you didn’t?

Ongoing Series - Not Thai

Word of Honor (China) Ep 16-18 - big battle fighty fighty stabby stabby. Ep 17 switches to “this drama isn’t big enough for two chaotic-neutral godlings!” So what do they do? Drink together and bicker... A LOT. Then in Ep 18 we all get the dubious joy of really freaky puppets. (I HATE puppets.) Also how is China letting this be so SO VERY VERY GAY? Also, I wanna walk through the forest wearing a smanshy purple robe and waving a big fuck-off white fan around simply because I’m a pretentious fuss monger. And frankly, I feel like this is an achievable life goal for me.

We Best Love 2 (Taiwan) Ep 4 - not gonna lie, this is looking to be one of my top 3 BLs of 2021. It’s SO GOOD. Big bonus to this ep for treating stalker behavior like the mental illness it is and not as some dumb representation of enduring love.

The Most Peaceful Place is My Place (Vietnam) Ep 1 - finally dropped (find it under NƠI BÌNH YÊN NHẤT LÀ VỀ BÊN EM on O2′s channel). It’s got actors already comfortable with BL and looks pretty good so far. An angry tsundere uke reunited with his ex, a stoic chef, giving us lots of snap, crackle, and pop out the gate.

Dear Uranus (Taiwan GL) Ep 2 - I want to love it, but it is just moving too fast. There’s not enough character dev and then they’re throwing flashbacks in? It feels like a treatment rather than a show, and a rushed treatment at that. Bummer.

HIStory 4: Close To You (Taiwan) Ep 2 (AKA Ep 3-4) - let the cheesy popcorn continue! Idiot remains an idiot; ingenue remains an ice queen; nice gay guy remains nice and gay; obsessive stalker brother is getting ever more whackadoddle. Of course these last two have the best chemistry. (It’s caregiver codependency and the salvation trope. We got us a Leo/Fiat situation going on.) Plus lots of classic BL tropes because OF COURSE there are lots of tropes.

Occasionally, I am tempted to argue that shows like H4 or Cherry Magic or Ossan’s Love aren’t technically BL because of the office setting and age of the protags - but then they all behave like high school students anyway, so *shrug*

Stand Alones

Cute little Taiwanese micro BL Friend or Lover dropped, about bisexual realization within a friendship group. Normally these are too short for me, but this one did pretty good with its 15 minutes of charm, plus it’s abad boy + shy softy pairing.

Breaking News - Thai BL

Fish Upon the Sky released its actual trailer. The upside-down kiss is gone, which makes everyone sad, and it seems far less rivals to lovers than the first iteration, which makes ME sad. But it still looks good and a more classic BL than GMMTV has given us in a while. New trailer focused more on the makeover trope and they’ve upped Mix’s role (the object of everyone’s affection) now that he’s proved himself. (Or they are using him more to carry the trailer since he has a fan base form 1k*). Starts April 9 on GMMTV in 1K*’s time slot, probably with a 10 ep run.

2gether the movie is apparently coming April 22 to Thai theaters. F4 Thailand must be having issues or GMMTV just wants to milk the BrightWin cash cow. It’s rumored to be a combination of 2gehter + Still 2gether with some extra scenes and ending. Also, one assumes a lot will be cut out, if it’s movie length.

Call It What You Want released its updated trailer. If anything, it looks more scary than before. What are we in for? April 9th.

Nitiman got a release date, May 7 on One31.

I Told Sunset About You 2 got an updated release date of May 27 on LineTV.

Second Chance the series is coming to LineTV on March 29. I don’t know much about this one. Tons of familiar faces (mostly TharnType side dishes) and some nice looking new talent but a dearth of eng subs. I think it may take on Brothers’ time slot. Line did eng subs for Brothers so maybe they will do 2nd Chance too?

Close Friend the series is coming April 22. This is a combination of 6 couples with 6 story arcs as music videos (maybe)? It’s an epic fan service with familiar faces like OhmFluke (UWMA), MaxNat (LBC also in Y-Destiny), YoonLay (YYY also in Y-Destiny), KimCop (GenY), and JaFirst (TT2).

Y-Destiny starts March 30, and has starting dropping couple’s trailers. I’m still suspicious given the director but it seems like there is plot (or plots) and a theme. Looks to be a series of 7 single ep vignettes (amended, see comments, might be 2 eps each for 14 eps total), different couple each time, some with supernatural elements, all with decent chemistry and acting chops.

Sun MaxNat’s tutor/student arc

Mon jaded rich kid meets poor innocent

Tues sports romance enemies to lovers

Weds the messy realistic actual dating one

Thurs hot ghost boyfriend (sad)

Fri YoonLayPerth coping with loss and finding new love (sad). This one will all rest on Lay's acting so we know it’s in safe hands. Our boy is going to KILL it.

Sat time-slip memory loss reunion romance

I’m thinking we can’t expect any of these to end happy or be classic BL. They’re gonna be more slice of life-ish.

Gossip - BL Outside of Thailand

Scholar Ryu’s Wedding Ceremony AKA Nobleman Ryu’s Wedding (Korean historical BL) got a legit teaser (eng sub here). @curriculumvtae reports that it’s releasing April 15th on WeTV (Philippines & Thailand) and Idol Romance (South Korea), while Will of Thai Bl says it’ll be on Viki too. It’s a short run of 8 ep built on a fake relationship trope (arranged marriage variant):

Ryu Ho Seon’s (Kang In Soo from You Wish) arranged marriage turns out to be with his expected bride’s brother, Choi Ki Wan (Lee Se Jin from Mr Heart). Ryu tries to undo the marriage, but his ill mother opposes this saying the scandal would be too much. Meanwhile, Kim Tae Hyeong (Jang Eui Soo from Where Your Eyes Linger), a senior at Ryu’s school, comes to congratulate him and falls in love with Choi. Then one day, the original bride disappears.

Okay it seems a bit twisty turny for ONLY 8 EPS, but oh my goodness how excited are we? Our first intentional historical BL out of Korea!

We already knew Hong Kong was doing a remake of Japan’s Ossan’s Love under the same name (not my favorite Japanese BL but so very popular) but it’s now reported to be coming to Viu in June. Who knows how the CFA will take it. Depends on whether Hong Kong bows before the NO GAY KISSES regs or if they are going to use this as a political nose thumb... things could get cray with this puppy (the original has several kisses and s shower scene). Are we back in Addicted territory only with added comedy and civil unrest?

Speaking of Japan, Absolute BL (AKA Zettai BL ni Naru Sekai vs Zettai BL ni Naritakunai Otoko) dropped sooner than anyone thought, March 27. But being Japanese who knows how/when/if we get subs. Protag finds himself trapped in a world of BL, but being straight he fights against any hot guy that draws near, but the whole world (literally) is conspiring against him. It’s a parody adapted from a yoai.

What with Absolute BL from Japan plus Lovely Writer and Call it What You Want from Thailand, is 2021 the year of BL being ultra self referential? Sure feels like it.

In Case You Missed It

Faded a gay micro film from Taiwan from 2017 deals with parental acceptance and serves up a ton of BL tropes (piggyback, forehead kiss, etc). I’m pretty sure this was a propaganda piece for legalization of gay marriage, and it’s an interesting nugget of BL history as a result. Yes, it ends happy. It’s cute.

Next Week Looks Like This:

Some shows may be listed a day later than actual air date for accessibility reasons.

Upcoming 2021 BL master post here.

Links to watch are provided when possible, ask in a comment if I missed something.

Man there’s a lot going on right now! Spring has sprung... I suppose.

P.S. I cannot believe I missed Absolute BL as a blog name. Numbnuts = me.

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merotm-a · 3 years ago

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you know .... ever since i remade + switched from being t//wst main to fandomless i’ve had some things i wanted to get off my chest about it all. and i think i’m gonna do it now because it does affect my ability sometimes to get on and write on this blog. pls go ahead and blacklist ‘vent.’ if ur not interested in seeing this post but i just have had enough of thinking on it.

this is like a rpc callout tbh

for me, personally, i can’t enjoy the series or writing in the verse as much as i did before bc of things that go on in this rpc sometimes (not all the time or at least not that i’m aware of nor do i wanted to be made aware of more than i already know).

first of all, the division in this place is terrible for lack of a better term. if u end up being ostracized from one group you’ve essentially lost like half of the potential writing partners in this space. if this fandom were bigger, getting pushed out or cut off or what have you wouldn’t be so bad but it’s not a big fandom so it’s like ‘ oh well ’ if that happens. secondly - and idk if it’s just bc i only talk to like two or three people consistently enough so i’m out of the loop or whatever - the amount of ooc shit talking that goes on behind the scenes away from the public eye is frankly appalling. there is no reason why there are little groups dedicated to talking shit about other rpers in the fandom. if you have a problem with someone, you can go talk to them.

if you don’t like someone, just block them or blacklist their tag or whatever you need to do to have a peace of mind. that’s what i do when my mutuals interact with ppl i don’t like or i have blocked. i just move on. y’know, like a normal person. literally no excuse to be in dms saying awful things about people or making people feel shitty like they might get blocked just because they disagree with you on something or for whatever other silly little reason that may be ( like you just talk to someone they don’t like or have a problem with ).

why is there always this constant feeling of walking on egg shells ??? the tumblr rpc can be toxic; i know i’ve been here since like 2012. but this is on a different level since i’ve been on this platform.

regarding the pro vs. anti stuff that goes on in this rpc ( i literally never came into contact with this stuff much until i got here ). now, i am personally someone who adheres to the ‘you do you’ mentality. i have content i won’t write and that i wouldn’t be fine seeing from my mutuals hence why i either unfollow or block someone if they write said content; i leave people alone to write what they write. THAT ALL BEING SAID, this is a public platform, so when you write stuff that is publicly frowned upon, you really shouldn’t be that surprised when people have issues with it or give it attention bc, you know, you’re putting it out there. people being rightfully uncomfortable when you write sensitive subjects isn’t “”harassment”” and certainly doesn’t make you a victim.

on the flip side, i personally think that you can’t just jump to conclusions based on what someone writes right off the bat since quite a few of us also write for fandoms that are violent or have darker topics woven into the narrative and doing so can come across as being bad faith and lacking nuance. a lot of my evaluation is based on the intention of the writer ( why are you writing this ? are you doing it respectfully ? do you really HAVE to incorporate this into your character / story - if it’s original for an oc or hc for a canon ). frankly, if you’re writing downright terrible things because you get off on it then it shouldn’t come as a surprise that people will criticize or ostracize you; you’re not treating the subject matter with the appropriate time and respect it deserves. and not only that, instead of writing such a thing privately, by writing it on a public platform you are subjecting it to people who could potentially read it and judge it.

saying that i support murder because i have a character that kills someone is downright stupid and it takes away any nuance in this line of thinking.

everyone does have a responsibility to curate their own space to navigate the internet as much as possible but they also have a responsibility to not subject others to unwarranted, unwanted and potentially triggering content ( either through having a proper tagging system or writing this stuff privately or on another website ).

the pressure to have labels in this rpc is dumb imo because they really don’t explain everything that person is thinking or what they actually support. you can be an ‘ anti ‘ but still be okay with writing a toxic dynamic between two characters provided it’s done right. you can be ‘ pro ‘ but not support certain things like CP or n*ncon. it’s dumb. it’s pointless. idk why this rpc is rampant with this issue in particular but it’s one of the main reasons that so much shit goes on.

#「 ♕ 」 —— ❝ i am crazy but i am free ❞ » ooc.#vent.#( i'm leaving the read more on but if you want to reblog this just let me know and i will remove the read more so you can do it )#long post /#anyway. back to writing starters.

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ares-would-be-proud · 4 years ago

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Izzy said: Fairy! Im so excited for your dark content!! Since i saw it on your other blog, may i request for yandere bertholdt 👀 i feel the would make the most unsuspecting but worst (or best?) Yandere next to armin because he's so gentle and unassuming and shy, no one would ever think he has other intentions

Yandere Bertolt pt.I

{ Bertolt x reader | tw:yandere, tw:toxic-behaviour, tw:near-death experince, tw:murder mystery? Eh kinda, tw:manipulation tw:Emotional-rollercoster | Dark romance, fluff, slowburn, lowkey funny ngl | Canonverse }

{ "Roses" 1878 by George Cochran Lambdin 1830–1896 }

Securing the last belt around your thighs before attaching it to the one near your knees, you made sure to tighten it as much as you can before sliding it in the metal head.

Having the equipment room all to yourself, you took your time in double-checking everything was in place. Making sure your gas tanks were filled, carrying spare steel blades and tightening your boot strings.

The manoeuvring gear's parts made a clinking sound against each other with every step you took. Making your way to the nearby woods acting as the training ground, the sun shining made you shield your eyes with your hands, taking some seconds to adjust to the brightness.

The road was clear, with almost no birds or squirrels in sight.

It was one of those days when the wind seemed so fast as it swept by you, so much in fact that you could visibly see the few clouds swimming by as if they're racing each other. A perfect day to spend near a lake maybe, or in a field of flowers, but you had to spend it training in the woods with the other soldiers till your fingers ached from pressing against the handgrips.

You wanted to get it over with, feeling nauseous. Probably because you managed to oversleep and miss breakfast.

It started as normally as any other training session went, pushing through till your autopilot took over. While fun at first, there's so much manoeuvring between tree branches to slash at 2d wooden cutout of titans you could do before it started getting repetitive.

And so you let your body take over and move on its own, taking you further and further towards the edge of the forest till you couldn't hear the sound of anyone else's manoeuvring gear except your own.

The high wind rustling the trees making the leaves fall distorted your visions as they fell on you, and the flashing sunlight that swept through the small openings between the leaves only made things worse.

Blinding you for split seconds, too bright in fact, that you had to close your eyes shut as it burned after the light fell directly against it.

It's only after a couple of seconds late, that the sound of something snapping registered in your brain.

You were slowly turning in the air, strong wind resistance coming from below as gravity pulled you down.

Things were moving too quickly to process, dread shot through your entire body in shivers, you could feel your heartbeat in the back of your throat as you came closer and closer to the ground.

No matter how many times your clammy hands attempted to work the pistol-shot, no hooks attached to the nearby trees despite the gears working as you heard its zipping noise.

The realisation of the situation you're in finally settled, you couldn't do a single thing, but watch the trees grow larger and larger by the second as you fell to your doom.

You've survived many expeditions and missions, you've escaped Titans teeth that were mere inches from biting your head off, and this is what will put you seven feet below? A mere fall?

...no, it wasn't just a fall, it was arrogance for taking it for granted. After all, overconfidence was a slow and insidious killer, sneaking on the second you let your guard down.

But was it?

A flash of today's morning comes before your eyes, your brain recalling the unusual spot your manoeuvring gear was placed, you were too sleepy to notice it at the time but now it's the only thing on your mind, did someone-

Before you could hit the ground, the familiar sound of pressured gas fizzling out followed by the clinking of metal swishing by.

One second you were almost slamming into the hard ground, the next you were caught by someone mid-flight.

Bertolt tightly pressed you against his chest with one arm, securing you in place while his other used his gear to reach the nearest tree branch.

Your hands wrapped around him, securing yourself even more. He didn't flinch when your nails accidentally scratched his neck from how hard you were holding him.

Despite how close you were to his chest, your own hammering heartbeat was the only sound you could hear for it was stuck in your throat as the adrenaline pumped through your veins.

You hesitantly let go the second your feet touched the ground, although still shaking you managed to find your balance again, yet, Bertolt's hand didn't leave your back.

You looked below at the wires dangling from your gear, their end visibly thinner than the rest of it. It still didn't register how a wire made out of iron could snap so easily…

Your thoughts were interrupted by the hand reluctantly turning your face back up, Bertolt's nervous eyes meeting yours.

"Don't look down too much, you'll get dizzy" he said, concern clear in his voice before stepping closer to you, his large body tucking you between him and the tree behind, as if you might slip away "are you okay? Did you get injured?"

A bit taken back by his dotting, you shook your head before thanking him for not letting you fall.

"Don't mention it please...it's nothing, really." That seemed to make the corner of his lips rise a bite, slight flushing to his ears. "Maybe you should get some rest, you didn't seem well back there."

Was he watching?

The thought disappeared from your mind as quickly as it came, the guy saved you from a head injury after all, the least you could do is give him the benefit of the doubt.

Not to mention, it was Bertolt. Has it been any other guy, Reiner or Jean for example, then your attitude towards this whole thing would've been completely different. Putting as much space as you can between the two of you after brushing off their hands.

Has it been any other guy...but it wasn't now, was it?

No. It was Bertolt, soft-spoken and easily flustered Bertolt, who got nervous in most situations and didn't reply to teasing.

Bertolt, who didn't say a thing when Eren stole his seat next to Reiner, instead settled to sit next elsewhere.

Bertolt, who always remained humble and downplayed his skills despite ranking in the top five and becoming a really valuable soldier.

Bertolt, who you've only ever said hi to before once before he seemed to panic and just awkwardly wave back instead.

Maybe that's why you didn't mind him being so close, he wasn't a threat and most everyone knew that. If you asked people to rank the top three men they'd feel safe in a room with, Bertolt would almost make it to everyone's top two.

And so when he offered to walk you back to your room, it didn't raise any red flags despite it meaning you'd be alone with him in the dorms while everyone was training.

The short walk went fairly nice actually, he kept a respectful space between you while making sure to walk at a slower pace so his height wouldn't force you to jog.

From the sweat collecting at his forehead and his hands fidgeting with the hem of his shirt he seemed to struggle to find a good conversation starter.

You could read him like an open book, it was quite endearing the way he commented over how nice the weather is, four times in a row while stumbling over his words. But you weren't that cruel and so you decided to grant him mercy, starting a topic yourself.

Talking about your interest, hobbies and things you'd do whenever those rare moments of peace and normalcy would arrive.

He shared his too, apparently, he's into journaling, finding it much easier to write his thoughts on paper than out loud.

One conversation pulled another, as he seemed to grow more comfortable the more you talked.

Although, he wouldn't meet your eyes for more than 5 seconds before turning his gaze away, yet you could feel them staring at you the second you turn your head.

Somewhere between your conversation, the subject switched to talking about life. Bertolt asked you if this is the kind of life you've wanted, words unusually firm that it made you pause.

The question was out of place, a huge switch from your previous fun topics.

Nonetheless, you answered, "I don't think anyone would willingly choose this life. It's more of...doing the most out of the cards you've been dealt, this just happened to be mine."

The sound of his footsteps stopped, you looked at his face, he didn't look away.

"Would you rather have a more normal life?"

The way he stood, his back to the sun with you in his shadow, an unreadable expression on his face, really brought out his height and large build that you've almost forgotten.

you unconsciously took a step back, he took a step forward.

"If by normal you mean a non-starving one where I'm not at the risk of being eaten daily, then yeah." You answered, time felt like it slowed down. The seconds stretched for too long as you watched his reaction.

He...smiled, a sincere smile, the kind that makes your eyes shine. Soft expression seemingly relieved as he continued walking, a slight bounce to his steps.

"I'd love that too, to have a normal life one day."

And then he proceeded to tell you about his dream, the normal life of peacefulness he seeks. Sharing as many details as time would allow, from the kind of person he wants to grow up to be, to the colour he wants to paint the house backyard's fence.

It was lavender.

When he mentioned wanting a dog, you couldn't decide what was funnier, the mental image of Bertolt with an equally almost as big kind of dog, or a small tiny breed that would fit in his hands. Taking him for walks and playing catch as the dog tackles him to the ground.

Some chuckles escaped your lips, and while Bertolt didn't know what you were smiling about, nonetheless he joined too.

Your time together was cut short when the dorms came into view. Feeling both relief for finally being able to rest and disappointment for having to end your conversation so soon, especially since you think this is the first actual talk you had with him besides saying hi before.

Bertolt, looking out for you, made sure to hold the door to your room open for you. Some part of your brain wondered how exactly he managed to guess which room was yours, the other simply couldn't wait to get into bed.

You sat on the bed, Bertolt invited himself in and closed the door behind him.

He took his time looking around your shared room with his eyes, staring at the titles of the books splayed on the table, taking in the smell of scented incense your roommate bought every month, the doodles, drawings and notes hanging by mere tape against the wall.

Finally, eyes landing on the top bunk bed, currently empty with your roommate having left too early in the morning for the preparations of their next expedition.

Well...after all you were too used to waking up by the sound of them opening and closing all the drawers in search of their glasses that they manage to lose each day, yet yesterday they made sure to sleep next to it.

Huh, maybe that's why you overslept.

Yet, Bertolt's eyes didn't move as he stared seconds too long, shoulders growing stiff and palms tightening against his side.

"They left for an expedition, a titan capturing one... I think." You explained, "it's supposed to last three days, but since it's led by Captain Hange...I wouldn't be too surprised if they still haven't left yet."

"Must be nice, having the room for yourself."

You agreed before adding "well, it still gets too lonely sometimes."

Bertolt looked like he wanted to say something, lips parting for a second before he pressed them close into a thin line.

An awkward silence filled the room, as you looked at Bertolt who seemed to revert back to his old nervousness.

"I think I should go, Reiner must be looking for me."

You thanked him again for his help, he avoided your eyes before mumbling a reply, saying it's really nothing.

Did you do something wrong? You couldn't help but think that, after all things were going so well just now. Why would he get on edge again?

As a final attempt to redeem yourself from whatever unknown act you must've committed for Bertolt to act this uncomfortable, you called out to him one last time.

"Hey, Bertolt. I know we technically just met but, just know you can drop by anytime okay? You seem like a nice person and we can be friends."

Oh god did you really say, we can be friends, what is this kindergarten again? Welp you fucked up, looks like it's another failure to add to the calendar, man and you've been keeping such a clean track of days without accidents.

You know what? No, forget it, you tried your best and you had good intentions so why should you ever feel guilty for-

"You really mean that?" Bertolt, whom

You've become aware was still in the room, said.

Not sure how to reply to this, you just gave a nod instead.

"I'd love that." He spoke with a soft tone. And despite his growing desire to move closer to you, he opened the door instead, sparing you one last sweet smile before he left.

And for a good minute there, his smiling face was all that occupied your mind, a fluttering feeling that came and went too quickly for you to acknowledge.

True to your predictions, the mission was apparently delayed till midnight for...undisclosed reasons. Although gossip spread faster than wildfire, and by dinner time everyone was talking about the argument Captain Hange and Captain Levi got into, the story got modified and exaggerated each time it was passed around.

"Listen, I was there and I saw it! Well...not with my own eyes but it doesn't matter." Your roommate said, too eager to spill you everything that they almost forgot to eat their food. "It was big, like Captain Miche having to restrain Levi kind of big!"

You gave them a silent look, raising an eyebrow.

"...okay jeez it didn't get this far but it felt like it did, like it almost happened." They poked their food with the fork, before deciding to try some.

Their pouting face almost made you want to tease them even more, just to see what corner you can back them into before they confess to making up half the story they've been telling you.

But a wrenching gut feeling suddenly shot through your body, coming almost out of nowhere, the kind you'd usually feel whenever a titan was targeting you.

Confusion was naturally your first response, there couldn't be any titans nearby. You swallowed down, no don't be silly, it doesn't even make sense.

Maybe...maybe it was one of those cases you studied in class? About people getting PTSD flashbacks at random times, or from small triggers?

The air seemed too cold and too hot at the same time, you forced your eyes to move around the room in an attempt to remind yourself everything is fine, that you're here.

Seeing your friends, fellow soldiers and veterans just sitting around, enjoying their food while joking with their friends, helped ground you to reality again.

Yeah...see? Nothing's wrong, everyone's having a good time so-

Your gaze met Bertolt's, dark eyes staring back but not at you. No, instead they were focused on your roommate. The knot in your stomach twisted.

Beside him, Reiner was murmuring something under his breath as he leaned closer to Bertolt, his stare following the other's gaze.

Reiner seemed unusual, drops of sweat collecting at his forehead while Bertolt was the opposite, the calmest you've ever seen him actually.

Reiner gave Bertolt one final look, lips moving too fast for you to attempt to even read. Bertolt nodded.

And then it was like nothing happened, both of them going back to their usual selves. Reiner's attention was stolen by Eren asking about his food, while Bertolt looked at Jean who sat next to him without asking before commenting on Eren.

"Hey, are you okay? You look…" your roommate said, concern in their voice before their hand found your forehead. "I heard what happened this morning, with the manoeuvring gear, I didn't want to bring it up but…"

You didn't have to be told twice, and so you reassured them it's okay, you'll get some rest, not like you'd complain about having an excuse to get a day off.

That seemed to make them satisfied, well...that and making you swear on the scouts' honour to take care of yourself while they're away.

After dinner, as you were headed to your room while your roommate had to get to the stable before heading out with their group, you passed by Reiner.

It wouldn't have been unusual, wasn't it for the fact he was fully in his uniform with gear ready that you had to do a double-take.

You swore you just saw him in casual clothes at dinner...was he also going on that mission? Huh, weird you can't remember seeing his name on the list.

The week passed by slower than you would've liked, with both of the survey corps Captains gone, most of the soldiers...really had nothing to do but waste time.

It was almost funny, wasn't it for the fact you were bored out of your mind.

Captain Miche rarely gave orders, the only time you'd see him is during training season when everyone had to do a round with him. While commander Erwin didn't really entrust soldiers who weren't close to him with his paperwork or even chores.

At least Sasha and Connie were making the most of it, whatever they were doing seemed fun…

Bertolt never took you up on your offer either, despite him seemingly having a positive reaction to wanting to be friends he didn't show up at all.

Yet you'd still see him hovering by, either being assigned the same chore together or simply happening to be in the same room at the same time. And despite how much you've thought about going up to him to start a conversation, you knew how to read between the lines. You didn't want to make him uncomfortable that's all.

He'll come when he's ready, is what you told yourself.

And well, you were right, eventually, he did.

Not only did he initiate talking, he even attempted to ask if you'd like to accompany him to the nearby town maybe.

With the way his hands were clasped behind his back and slight flushing to his cheeks as he summoned all his courage to ask you that, how could you say no?

It was almost like seeing an entirely different person.

Bertolt, in his casual clothes, as he strolled by you through the food stands, seemed a much more...healthier version of himself?

He looked at peace, the smile never leaving his lips. He even made jokes and shared his opinions without being asked.

Whenever you went to check something that stole your attention, he would quickly follow by to erase any form of distance. Whenever your eyes fell on a piece of accessories for too long, he'd suggest you try it on, putting it on you himself.

And yet, whenever his hand would brush yours by accident while walking, he'd almost stumble into the ground and quickly pull it back. Or the time you attempted to adjust the collar of his shirt and you swore his knees almost gave out when you stepped closer, reaching his neck.

Both of you tried different kinds of food, he even offered you his own if you seemed to enjoy a certain food. Saying he'd rather you have it.

Both of you being broke soldiers ment there are only so many things you can do in the town before quickly burning through your savings.

It wasn't long before he suggested going back, you agreed to take the long walk back to enjoy nature a bit more.

You've wondered how come Bertolt only seems the most comfortable when talking to you on walks, but the story he was telling you was too interesting for you to think about it now.

You listened to him talk, it felt like you could listen to him for hours on end before getting bored. For someone who rarely spoke, he surely did have a way with words when he actually did.

It was nice, comfortable and gave you a false sense of normalcy as if the world was okay for a short while.

One final thought you had just before the both of you parted to go to your separate rooms, was that if Bertolt was going to write about this day in his journal.

For each day of the remaining week, you and Bertolt managed to hang out more and more.

You went to the lake, a frog landed on him that you had to remove because he was too nervous he might crush it.

He took you to a nearby spot in the town, it seemed normal at first but he just told you to wait. Apparently, each after some dogs would frequent this spot and Bertolt has already made friends with most of them.

And on the last day, both of you actually just spent it...in his room. He had a really comfortable bed and feather pillows that you almost didn't want to leave. And despite sharing a bed he still would keep space between you, no matter the uncomfortable positions he had to sit in.

By the end of the week, the expedition group arrived during sundown.

Their heads lifted high, pride clearly across their faces as they rode their horses. Captain Hange especially seemed much more excited than usual, barely managing to stay still on their horse.

The mission was a success apparently, they've managed to capture two titans with zero mortality rate and minor injuries.

...well almost a zero rate.

You were called into Erwin's office in the middle of the night, when Moblit knocked on your door asking you to quietly follow him.

The night air was cold against your thin clothes, silence filling the usually busy hallways, now errly empty.

Knocking before he told you to enter, he seemed busy with some paperwork, instead offering you a seat and asking to wait shortly.

The curtains behind him were closed shut, the candle sitting on his desk seemed on the verge of burning out, melted wax collecting on the plate under it.

It wasn't till after some seconds that you realised you weren't alone in the room, Captain Levi was leaning against the wall on the other side, arms crossed.

The scratching of the pen against the papers would occasionally get replaced with the sound of dipping the metal head inside the liquid ink container, carefully wiping it against the opening to remove any overflowing liquid.

Your fingers fiddled with the red cushion on the armchair, leg slightly bouncing before you force it to stop each time.

Waiting...and waiting.

The back of your throat felt scratchy, only becoming aware of how dry your mouth was then. Attempting to swallow down as a form of relief didn't help much.

"Here, drink it." A glass of water was offered to you by Levi, handing it to you before going back against the wall.

Saying a small thank you before finishing the glass, you felt slightly better afterwards. Although the growing tension in the air didn't help ease your mind.

"Cadet." Erwin clasped his hands, "I apologise for calling you here this late, although considering the circumstances I'm sure you'd understand."

Opening one of the desk drawers, Erwin pulled out something wrapped in a napkin, the white cotton having a growing reddish stain in its middle.

"I offer my condolences."

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