#it also keeps re-shuffling the photos?? I hope it doesn’t do that when I actually post

[reflectionsofgalaxies]

Introduction time! Gonna be a huge photo dump for the first intro, but after this I’ll only be posting photos when there are visible changes or updates to my plants 🪴

To start off these are two lovely succulents I impulse bought from the grocery store, because the poor delosperma (left) had been left out in torrential rain with soil that had almost no drainage, and the sempervivum (right, also called hen and chicks) had FIVE chicks all crowded in there and again really damp soil with poor drainage, so I separated the four largest chicks but am leaving the smallest one with mom for a little longer. The day after I got the delosperma into more appropriate soil it started to bloom for me!

Next we have a very leggy boi, my hemp plant (left), grown from a seed I found in with the hemp mix I put on my cereal! I can’t really use him for anything but he’s so tall and loves to climb so I just think he’s lovely to look at. In the middle we have my seedling experiment tray, I literally just throw seeds/plants in here to see if they’ll sprout or root and some do! I’ve got four mystery sunflower seedlings curtesy of my bird seed mix, a baby fern with a tiny bit of root rescued from someone’s garden clippings, and a spinach plant that I didn’t have room for and wasn’t doing great, so I just plopped him in here and mist him occasionally and he seems to like it? He’s grown since I moved him away from the other sprouts. And finally my random prop tray! Some of these I’m like 99.9% sure won’t propagate, but no harm in waiting to see. Includes broken leaves from re-potting, fallen leaves from grocery store succulents, and some leaf cuttings from a friend’s plant collection!

These are my Russian Mammoth sunflowers on the left (I had them in too low light to start so they got very tall poor things, but I moved them into better light and now they’re putting their energy into pushing out their true leaves.) And beside them on the right are dollar store flower seedlings that I promptly threw out the package for and now have no recollection of what they actually are. Oops.

My little kitchen table-top garden with my spider plant (front left) who is in a pot that I know is a little cramped for her but I just love love love it, and it’s from a local woman owned company. Behind her I have my two very scraggly poinsettias from Christmas’s past, I don’t like tossing plants so I’ve just kept these guys barely alive and chilling on my kitchen table for three (left) and two years (right). In the right photo we have some spinach sprouts, a tiny African violet that split off from its mother plant (almost killed her too, they were so root bound, which is something African violets usually tolerate decently well.) In the heart we have my beloved young black prince echeveria (this was a dollar store container my mom was going to toss, instead I stabbed some drainage holes in the bottom and I think it’s a super cute pot, I’m going to do more with it at some point.) In the very middle in the jar lid are some cacti pups that one of my bedroom plants pushed out. These things are insane, they propagate like nothing I’ve seen before and are honestly impossible to kill in my experience. They were a gift from a neighbour and I have no clue what they actually are, so if someone knows please enlighten me, I’ve had them for years now and know nothing. In the very front of course is my seed starters, can’t remember what I planted where tbh but I woke up this morning to the first two tiny sprouts!

I’m about to hit the image limit so I’m going to introduce my last two in a separate post.

[moonyswriting]

Pride

Happy Pride Month everyone! Whether you queer or questioning, closeted or out, I am so proud of you, you are valid and perfect! Remember that you never have to come out if you don’t want to. You’re not lying to anyone if you don’t. You don’t owe them to come out. Only do it if you want to. Also remember that labels can stay forever or can change and both is perfectly normal. You're fantastic the way you are. <3

So, I managed to write a pride fic for the first day of pride month! yay me. I hope you like it :)

Thank you for the idea @moonofthenight

Characters by @lumosinlove

When Pascal came into their living room it had never looked more colourful, but it had also not looked this messy in a long time. There was tape on all four sides of the table, paper and little paper cut outs all over the floor and in the middle of everything, all his four children, looking like deer in the headlights.

“What happened?”, he asked slowly. There would be a reasonable explanation for all of this, he was sure. Celeste had probably helped and they would clean everything back up in no time, leaving no trace of a mess before the team came over for dinner tonight.

Adele shuffled over looking at the floor. “Um,” she stared before glazing back at her siblings, who nodded at her encouragingly. “So, we decided to make some things for the others. You know, since you’re having that Pride Party tonight? We thought we’d make little gifts for the team.”

Oh, Pascal’s heart was already a puddle. “You-”, he stared, but couldn’t continue. He had questioned a lot if he should have raised his children differently, more open to the rainbow or attractions and genders (or lack thereof) that was out there, but this made him feel like he and Celeste had at least done some things right.

Pascal only realised he hadn’t properly said anything yet when Katie rushed towards him, hugging his hip. “Please don’t be mad. I promise, we’ll clean it all up. Mama said she’d help us!”, the big eyes of his youngest daughter stared up at him, guilty, but hopeful.

“I’m not mad, mon chou.”, picking her up, he turned towards the other three, still standing in front of him. “Not at any of you. This is an incredible idea! The team will love them. Thank you so much, it’s really thoughtful.” Leaning down, he placed a kiss on each of his childrens’ foreheads, including Katie’s before setting her down to get back to the others. Celeste walked through the door the next moment, flowers of all colours in her hand.

“You found our little pride squad then?”she asked, walking past him and into the kitchen, probably to cut off the ends of the stems. “Don’t worry, I’ll help them clean up and we’ll be done before any of your teammates even leave their houses.”

His wife knew him too well. He hated when other people visited them and their house was messy. Of course there had been times where he couldn’t really keep it clean with four toddlers running around, but he still always tried and his family knew that and helped him. It wasn’t really that it bothered him that visitors could see that they were possibly not clean people, it was just the principle. He thought it should that they were prepared and anticipated someone’s visit. He never wanted them to think it was a bad time to visit because he would eventually excuse the mess. He always wanted everyone to feel welcome.

And that’s what tonight would be about. Making his team feel always welcomed and loved and accepted.

Celeste returned back to their dining room without the flowers, kissing Pacal’s cheek and then turning towards their children. “Did you show him what you made already?” they shook their heads but quickly climbed up onto chairs and sorted through the things they had made. “They’re all really cute, I already saw some of them.” Celeste whispered giddily into his ear, as excitement bloomed in his chest and they walked over to look at the crafts.

“Here!” Katie waved a piece of paper in the air and Pascal walked around the table to look at what she had made. SHe beamed up at him as she explained, “This is for Tremzy! And Harzy and Knutty! It’s a card and I drew Lo, Leo and Finn on the front, see!” The man took the card in his hands. There were three stick figures on it, the smallest with brown hair, the next one with bright red hair and the last, taller than the other with yellow hair. In the back there were blue, red and black dots. “Why did you use those colours, ma petite?” He did have an idea, but with the many coloured pens on the table it could have just been a coincidence.

He could see Katie look over to Adele and Marc, before her eyes met his again. “Del and Marc said that those are the colours when you have more than one love and Logan has Finn and Leo, so they said I should use those. They look good together right?” Pascal could see that he wasn’t the only one close to tears after glazing over at Celeste smiling brightly. “Yes, Katie, it looks beautiful. Lo, Leo and Finn will love it! Adele, Marc, thank you for helping your sister. I know that this will mean a lot to Logan.” then as if he couldn’t help but to add, “I’m also very proud of you for looking up pride flag colours. I’m really happy you're informing yourself about these topics. They’re important.”

They all smiled at him. Pascal went over to Louis next. “I made two! This one is a card for Olli and Del and Marc also helped me with colours, so it's black, grey, white and this really nice purple that Katie gave me. It didn’t really match the photo, but I liked it better than the really dark one. Do you think he’ll mind?” The fact that his youngest son actually looked concerned staring down at his work had a tear spilling over. He let out a wet chuckle. “Non, je pense qu’il va l'adorer, c’est parfait. For who is the green one?” Louis pulled it out from under his other one and now Pascal could see it was not just green. There were black, grey, white and purple stripes on it too. “It’s for Reg! See, it’s got these stripes and then I drew this heart above it, cause even though he doesn’t want a boyfriend like Siri, he still gets all the love he needs from me and Siri and you and Re and the rest of the team!” Celeste came over and placed a kiss on his cheek, “He loves you too, mon lapinou. They look amazing.”

He walked over to his older son, he didn’t know if he could be any prouder of them. “ I made one for Kasey, Nat and Alex.” Marc stated as he handed his father one of the cards he had made. There were three heads on it, one with long blond hair and hoop earrings, one with light brown hair to the shoulders and one with dark red hair, freckles filling up more of his face than the light pink his son had used for all their skin tones. Pascal was about to compliment it, when Marc gave him another one. “This one is for Nado and Kuny. I made it full of hearts in pan and bi colours, because you mentioned that once and I really hope it’s right.” before Pascal could even think his next thought a stack of cards was placed in his hands. “And then for some of then we didn’t know, but we didn’t want them to feel left out or asume, so I made some rainbow ones for Pots, Talker, Sergei, Timmers, Cookie, Bluey, Ringer, Volley, Wrangler, Sunny and Foxy.”

Pascal was a bit shaken, not only that his son even remembered everyone of his teammates, without missing a single one, but at him having crafted every single one of them a rainbow card. “They will all love them, I’m sure. They look incredible.”

He saw Adele look down at her cards and moving them slightly out of view. Frowning, he walked over to her, “Did you also make something, ma colombe?” She nodded, pulling out one of her cards and holding it up for him to see. It was beautiful. She had glued blue magazine cut outs on the top of the cards, which got lighter til they reached a white in the middle and to green ones at the bottom. Over it there was a heart which read “Some hockey players marry their PT, get over it” He didn’t know how she had thought of that, but it was true and funny and so Adele, Pascal had no choice but to love it.

“These are all perfect. Thank you so, so much for making them, they’ll all love them I’m sure. We can tell them to all sit down in the living room so you can give them their cards later, sounds good?” They all nodded, seemingly happy with the idea. “Now let’s clean up before they come here and don’t recognize the place, eh?” All of them nodded as they got up, Celeste telling them where to start and how to clean it.

Pascal moved to the kitchen with the tray of now empty glasses Celeste had no doubt gotten them earlier, when he heard something behind him. Once he had carefully placed down everything he turned around to see Adele standing in the kitchen, arms behind her back. He waited for her to speak for only a moment until she did. “So, you saw that we made cards for everyone, because they’re all great and we should let them know we love and support them, right?” Pascal nodded, letting her continue, “But there’s one more card I made,” Pascal had counted before, his children hadn’t forgotten a single one of his teammates, he had no clue what that last card could be for. “because it’s important that they know they’re loved right?” she continued, “that’s a really important part of all of this. So,” she slowly pulled out a card from behind her back, “this one is for exactly that. Just because someone’s not queer or questioning, doesn’t mean they’re not important this month. It’s not the main focus of it, of course, but having allies is a big part of being able to be proud of who they are for some people. I wanted to thank you for that. I could have gotten some homophobic dad like some of my classmates, but I’m really, really glad I got you.”

She handed him the card she had made, similar to the collage of magazines but in black and white stripes with a rainbow A covering it. He couldn’t help the wetness that gathered in his eyes again. And here he had thought the emotional stuff wouldn’t be until the team arrived. He walked forward and hugged his oldest daughter. “Thank you so, so much,” he whispered, since he didn’t trust himself with anything else to come out anywhere close to evenly, “Thank you, ma petite. I am so proud to have you as my daughter. You’re the best children I could have ever asked for.”

[ill-go-with-that-then]

A NEW ERASERMIC AU I'LL NEVER WRITE!

Imagine Aizawa works at Buzzfeed, and gets the idea to write an article about how Twitch streaming is stupid and pointless (because he’s a video game snob.) He chooses Present Mic’s channel to watch at random, because he’s super popular, but Aizawa immediately goes from undercover reporter to absolute fan. No middle ground. Just “huh, okay i was wrong” and subscribes.

He tunes in to all the live streams, because Mic is very funny and also very good at video games, and it’s cool to watch him play. He has skills, his commentary is A+, and Aizawa develops a little crush. But it’s not a big deal!! Mic is a celeb, Aizawa knows they’ll never meet, it’s harmless.

Sometimes the chat for the stream gets assholes in it, as you’d expect. Mic can’t monitor the chat too much, but Aizawa has no problems telling jerks where to stick it. And once, after a particularly egregious incident where some moron said something crude about women in gaming and Aizawa ripped him a new asshole, Mic sends him a personal message thanking him and asking him if he wants to be a mod, which of course, he does. He doesn’t know how to reply - this is his big chance to talk to Mic!! So of course he just says “sure” - no further conversation.

Aizawa has, of course, zero personal details on his Twitch account. No info, no icon, his screen name is a random string of numbers, he’s a ghost. The Ron Swanson of video game enthusiasts.

So Aizawa is working at Buzzfeed, living his best life writing articles like “10 Video Game Themed Products You Can’t Live Without” because journalism is in shambles and he drinks to forget, and one day his editor is like “hey, we’re gonna do a feature on Twitch streamers. Everybody is gonna go sit and watch a stream in person and get the behind the scenes info. Here’s a list of people who agreed.” And PRESENT MIC IS ON THE LIST

One of his colleagues reaches for Mic’s info sheet, rolling his eyes and sighing. “I can’t believe these are considered celebrities. Have you ever heard of any of them?”

Aizawa practically slaps the paper out of his hand. “Present Mic is a consummate professional and his content is high-quality and entertaining. I wouldn’t expect you to understand it since it involves technology more current than a compact disc.”

The room goes silent. Nobody’s heard Aizawa say anything nice about... maybe anything? Ever? But his editor, Kayama, pounces immediately. “WELL if you like him so much, Aizawa, that can be your interview!!”

Aizawa panics. On the one hand, he wasn’t going to let anyone else take that assignment. But on the other hand, now he’s going to meet Mic IN PERSON. During a LIVE STREAM. Is he supposed to tell him he’s a fan? Is that tacky? Will his crush be obvious? What if Mic sucks in person?? This is a double edged sword.

He only gets more nervous on the day of the interview. He’s tempted to dress up a little, look his best. Mic is a good-looking guy after all, and he’s always well put together when he streams. And even though Aizawa knows, knows he really doesn’t have a chance, he still doesn’t want to embarrass himself.

BUT he also doesn’t want to look like he’s trying too hard. That’s not who he is, and dressing up would be admitting to himself that he DOES want something more than a simple interview, even if it’s as little as Mic’s good opinion or positive attention.

He debates too long. While he’s still thinking about it, the alarm on his phone goes off, alerting him that it’s time to leave. He’s still in his pink sweatpants and he hasn’t shaved, and he realizes, just at that moment, that he probably should have tried harder at least for the sake of professionalism. But it’s too late. He has to go.

Mic actually doesn’t live all that far away. Just a short train ride, less than 20 minutes, and Aizawa is standing in front of his nondescript apartment. It’s a little odd - Mic is a very popular streamer, theoretically with income to match, and his style seems flashy. Aizawa had expected something a little more over the top. But this place is simple. Storing that information away for later, he knocks.

“COMING!!” He hears from inside the apartment, followed by the thud of footsteps. Aizawa just has one moment to brace himself because this is it before the door opens and there he is. Present Mic himself, all smiles. “Come in, come in!! You’re from buzzfeed right? Wow, this is so exciting!!” Mic ushers him in the door, taking his jacket and hustling him into a tidy living room before Aizawa can even respond. And of course, when he finally gets himself together enough to say something, the first words out of his mouth are “You’re... tall.”

He wants to smack himself. Yes, Mic is taller than Aizawa had realized from the stream, even a little taller than Aizawa himself. But those are thinking words, not speaking words. Certainly not the first words you use to introduce yourself to your celebrity crush. But Aizawa, a champion moment-ruiner, has made his bed, and now he must cry in it.

But Mic just laughs. “Yeah,” he says, bringing a hand to the back of his neck. “I get that a lot. Sorry?” 

“Don’t apologize,” Aizawa says immediately, then wonders if he is, in fact, under some sort of curse. “Shouta Aizawa,” he introduces himself. 

“Hizashi Yamada, also known as Present Mic!” Yamada’s smile is friendly, like Aizawa hasn’t made an absolute fool of himself so far, and Aizawa has to look away from it. He glances around the room, which is tidy and clean, but cluttered with various objects that seem to have no connection to each other. There are books in a variety of languages, musical instruments, shelves of CDs, and an assortment of other things that have nothing to do with video games. 

“Quite a collection you have,” Aizawa says, because it is, and because he’s curious. 

“Yeah! I have too many hobbies but what can you do? Come on, I’m sure you’d rather see my workspace.” It’s not true, Aizawa has seen the office where Yamada streams before, and he’d much rather stay here and poke around, build up his mental picture about who Yamada is outside his Present Mic persona. But he’s not here for that. This is business.

But the streaming room is also not what Aizawa expects. Some things are familiar - the area visible to the camera is the same, set up and ready for tonight’s stream, but the rest of the room, the part that isn’t on screen, is PACKED. There’s a wobbly desk in the corner, covered in neatly stacked papers and binders labeled by month and year. The wall over the desk is a massive whiteboard filled with notes and ideas for upcoming streams. And there, in the lower right corner of the whiteboard, right where it would be even with Hizashi’s eyes as he sits at his desk, is a familiar string of numbers - his own Twitch username. And next to it is a little note - don’t forget. Good dude.

Aizawa sees his username and just - freezes. It hadn’t occurred to him that Mic thought of him at all outside of that one occasion he DM’d him, let alone that he considered Aizawa important enough not to forget. And the idea that Mic thinks he’s a “good dude” makes his face BURN in pleased embarrassment. He wants to say something but what? Is it weird? It’s weird, it’s too weird, and before he can think of how to do it, Mic is talking again.

“Okay, this is where the magic happens!! Actually, it’s more like weeks of frustration and repetition followed by 3-4 hours of intensely stressful streaming, but hey! People seem to like it!!” Aizawa wants to say something here - Mic is being a little too self-deprecating for his taste, but he stops himself. He can’t defend Mic’s honor to Mic himself - can he? The moment passes while he debates.

“I wasn’t sure if you’d want to be on camera or not?” Mic says, tentatively. 

“I’d rather not, if it’s all the same to you,” says Aizawa. “I’m more the behind the scenes type.”

“Totally, no problem!” Mic says, gesturing to his desk. “You can sit there, if that’s okay? The only other seat is by me.” 

Aizawa looks at the chair, then back to the small couch where Mic will be streaming from. “I think I’ll have to be closer to get photos for the article, if that’s all right.”

“You’ll be on camera,” Mic bites his lip. “I mean, maybe i could re-angle it, but then the screen-“

“It’s fine,” Aizawa says. “Journalism is about hardship.”

Mic snorts, and Aizawa can’t keep a little smirk off his face, proud that he got a laugh.

The stream goes smoothly - Aizawa likes it even more like this, without the chat to distract him, and close enough to notice things he’s never seen before. Mic’s feet twitch when he’s focusing hard, and his socks have cats on them. It’s adorable. Aizawa takes no notes - he doesn’t really need to, he’s seen enough streams to write this article in his sleep, and anyway, it’s not like he’s going to forget a minute of this.

Afterwards, once they’ve signed off, Mic talks him through his post show routine, everything from calculating how much he made and comparing it to previous weeks in a spreadsheet to going over the chat. “Huh,” Mic’s eyebrows crease as he looks at the chat logs. “Things got a little out of hand tonight.”

“Oh?” Aizawa says, shuffling uncomfortably. He suspects he knows why that is. 

“Yeah, one of my regular mods wasn’t on tonight. I hope he’s all right - it’s not like him to miss.”

“You have a lot of viewers,” Aizawa says, tentative now. “Do you know them all so well?”

Mic shrugs, embarrassed. “No, i wish I did! But this guy’s special, he’s really funny and he keeps all the trolls in line. I’d DM him to see if he’s okay but that’s weird, right? That’s weird. And anyway I tried to talk to him once before but he shot me down.”

“I didn’t-“ Aizawa says before he can stop himself. The curse is real. Mic stares at him, open mouthed, confused at first but then his eyes widen as he realizes what must have happened. Before he can say anything, Aizawa cuts him off. “Sorry. That i couldn’t mod tonight.” He mumbles, hand buried in his hair. He can’t meet Mic’s eyes anymore. “I’ll be back next week.”

Mic opens his mouth to speak, but Aizawa interrupts again, before he can. “And I didn’t - I didn’t shoot you down. I just didn’t think you’d want to talk to me. Why would you?”

Mic blinks, and Aizawa isn’t sure what he’s going to say. Will he be mad? Aizawa kind of lied to him. Is he disappointed? Does Aizawa not look like he expected? Has he been too silent? Too unfriendly? Does Mic not want to get to know him anymore? But when Mic finally speaks, what comes out is

“I can’t believe you made me memorize that stupid fucking username, we’re picking you a new one right now.”

[kyber-kisses]

I, Alone (Part 8)

Dean Winchester x Reader

Wanna start from the beginning? Here is the Masterlist!

Warnings: more mutual pining, more angst. . . Maybe a dash of fluff. A tear might be shed who knows.

Summary: With the reader continuously trying to leave the bunker, Dean decides it time to try and get some answers.

A/n: Its finally here babes! Thank you all for being so patient as I write this, the final chapter should be up next week. I hope you enjoy and feedback is appreciated. (gif made by hunenka)

“Are you sure?”

“Yes Sam! Of course I’m sure!” Dean snapped, slightly throwing his arms up as he stopped his pacing to look up with wide eyes. “It’s her, I know it is.”

“Dean, as much as I want to believe you-“ Sam began, taking a deep breath before looking to his side at Cas. “We have to be careful. . . I mean, she attacked you.”

“I was keeping her from leaving.”

“And since then she’s tried to get out three more times. She’s insistent on getting out of here.”

Dean chewed on his upper lip, before looking towards the hallway. Your muffled yells and sounds of banging fists echoing through the space. After having passed out in his arms, you woke up and immediately tried to leave. Again. . And again- up until the point where Cas had to knock you out and lock you in one of the spare rooms.

Cas and Sam turned their heads in unison towards where Dean had chosen to cast his gaze. “I’m kinda surprised she hasn’t ripped that door off it’s hinges yet.”

“Yeah, well it’s probably only a matter of time. Chicks strong as hell. Knocked me flat on my ass the first time she tried to leave.”

“And you still don’t know who she is?” Cas spoke up, eyebrow raised as he turned back to look at the older Winchester.

“For the millionth time, no. All I know is that she’s the person I’ve been missing.” Dean sighed. He resumed his pacing, but only for a moment before sucking in a breath. “I’m gonna go try talking to her.”

“Are you sure that’s a good idea? You literally just admitted she’s super strong.”

“Yeah, but she also still hasn’t eaten anything. She’s still recovering from whatever the hell happened to her before you brought her here, Cas.” Already making his way across the room, he didn’t bother looking back at his brother and friend. “I’ll be fine.”

Your yelling only got louder the closer he got the room, along with the clear sound of your fists striking the door, the wood rattling with every impact. On the other side you were a panting and rage filled mess. Your fists tender from hitting the solid wood so many times. You had to get out of here. You had to keep them safe. Keep Dean safe.

“Fucking- let me-OUT!” You growled, stepping back and readying yourself to slam your shoulder into the door. Maybe you could bust it open that way. “Fucking- Winchesters-“ you panted, taking a running start. Unfortunately you were only a step away from the door before it swung open and you were skidding on your feet before colliding with a solid figure.

Dean let out a light oof as you connected with him, stumbling back a step. And as quickly as you collided with him, you were scuttling back, taking quick steps backwards with wide eyes until the backs of your knees hit the bed and you fell.

Dean froze in the doorway once he re stabled himself, the look of fear on your features confusing him more than anything. He attempted to take a step in but stopped when you shuffled back further onto the bed. Holding up both hands to show you he meant no harm, he took a deep breath.

“Woah, hey. I’m not gonna hurt you. I just wanna talk.”

“I know.”

You weren't afraid of Dean. That was impossible. You just needed to put distance between you. If the deal went sour because of you being here- god you wouldn’t be able to live with yourself.

“Just let me leave. That’s all I want.”

“Okay, I get that. I know- but we can’t just yet.”

“Why not?”

“Well for one, your still pretty busted up from when Cas found you- and two, we have some questions.” Dean tried, this time successfully taking a step into the room when he saw you slowly relax. You couldn’t stop your eyes from glancing towards the open door, which Dean backtracked to shut for good measure.

“We?”

“Well. . . More like I. But that’s not the point.”

Narrowing your eyes in confusion, you leaned back against the headboard. What types of questions could they possibly have for you? They didn’t have a clue as to who you were. There was a foreign look in all their eyes when they looked at you. . . Except Deans was less. Every once and awhile you would see a glint of familiarity in his eyes. But it was gone as quick as it had come.

The words left your mouth before you could stop them. “Do you know who I am?”

The hunter paused in his steps, pursing his lips slightly before answering. “No. . . But I think I’m supposed to.” He breathed, finding it to be increasingly difficult to tear his eyes away from you.

You were so familiar. He felt it in every fiber of his being, every nerve and cell. He didn’t know how to explain it, but just being near you brought him a sense of easiness. Calm. Like when two sides of a magnet are finally reunited. No tension. Just connection.

“What’s your name?”

Instead of an answer, he only saw you turn away from him. You were trying to hide the tears in your eyes, any sliver of hope you might have had before that he know you was now gone. For a moment all you wanted was to go home, and then you realized you were there and it still didn’t feel right.

Lost. That was what you felt.

“Doesn’t matter.” You breathed, directing your attention towards your hands. Look at anything but him, Y/N. “You should go. I’d like to be alone.”

All Dean did was nod. His shoulders dropping slightly before backing out of the room and closing the door behind him. A moment later there was a soft click, telling you he had locked you in again.

Home sweet home. . . If only.

*. *. *. *. *. *.

The bunker had grown quieter since Deans sudden visit to see you. Your banging and yelling had stopped, drowning the three in a sudden silence as they sat in the kitchen, Dean occupied at the stove.

“She didn’t even give you a name?”

“Nope. It was like she actively avoided it. I don’t know what to tell you man.” Dean shrugged,his back still turned to his brother. “All I know is she clearly wants to get out of here. . . And no, I don’t know why either.”

Glancing over at the clock on the wall, Dean debated whether or not to check in on you again. When he had last gone to see you it was barely noon. Now it was almost ten at night.

“Maybe we just need to give her some space.”

“Yeah, maybe.” Letting out another sigh, Dean pulled open the fridge, clearly in search of something. “But I don’t think that’s it. She may have told me she wanted to be alone, but I don’t think that’s true. If anything I think she just needs someone to talk to- hey do we have any tomatoes?”

Not giving it too much attention, the younger Winchester shrugged. “I don’t know. Anyways, how could you possibly know that?”

“I don’t know, Sam! Okay?” Throwing his hands up once more, Dean continued to finish his task at hand. “Call it a gut feeling? I know her. . . I mean I don’t know her- but you get my point.”

This time Sam turned towards the angel besides him. “You didn’t find any ID or anything on her when you found her?”

“No. Only her and the clothes on her back.” Cas shook his head. “I’m sorry.”

“It’s alright. Don’t worry about —“ Sam trailed off, looking around Cas to see Dean disappearing around the corner. “Where the hell is he going now?”

Dean was in front of the door to your room once again before he even realized it. Only catching his action after knocking on the wooden frame. The brass numbers staring him down like so many times before. He waited a good ten seconds before unlocking it and slowly easing it open.

You hadn’t moved from your spot since he had last come in, your back still resting against the wooden headboard. When the door eased open, it was only then did you look up. It was refreshing to see him actually there, and not just in photos.

“Hey.”

“Hi.”

Hesitantly stepping into the room, the hunter suddenly handed over a plate. “I know you haven’t eaten in awhile, so I made something to help fill you up.” Taking in your confused eyes he sucked in a breath. “But you don’t have to eat it if you don’t want. I’m not sure it’s something you’d even like.”

“No- it’s okay.” You butted in, leaning foreword on your knees to take the plate. “. . .You can sit down if you want.” You waved towards your desk seat. For a moment Dean was frozen and then he was pulling out the chair and sinking down into it.

“It’s uh- it’s grilled cheese. Nothing fancy.”

That was the first time Dean saw you smile. It wasn’t a big toothy one by any means. It was closed lipped and soft, but nevertheless beautiful.

Looking down at the plate, you peeled apart the two halves of the sandwich. “Dark rye and muenster-“

“With tomatoes.” Dean added, the two of you speaking in unison. Your words died quickly on your lips as you looked up to meet his gaze, the two of you clearly startled.

How could he have possibly known you liked this?

“Sorry. If you want something else I can go-“

“No! No, that’s okay. It’s just- this is one of my favorites.” You smiled again, and out of sheer habit you were pulling apart the sandwich and passing half of it over to him before you could even register what you were doing. There was a slight hesitation from him before he reached out and accepted it, his eyes staying glued to you.

“We know each other, don't we?”

You paused to swallow your first bite before slowly nodding. The one small action making Deans heart do a back flip. He was right. It was you. He wasn't going crazy.

“And are we-“

“Friends? Yes.” You nodded, brushing a crumb off your lip.

Okay, so maybe his heart didn’t do a back flip at that. With everything he was feeling when he looked at you, he didn’t understand how the two of you could just be friends.Maybe you didn't like him like that.

“We’re best friends, actually.” You breathed, suddenly finding the crust of your sandwich much more interesting than the jade eyed Winchester. Everything in you wanted to blurt it all out. Tell him how you were head over heels for him- but you kept it reined in.You didn't need to make this more complicated and heart breaking than it already was.

“What happened? Why’d you leave? Why don’t I remember you?” The words came falling out of his mouth at a rapid pace as he leaned forward in the chair, desperate for answers.

“Woah, slow down. I never said I was gonna fill you in on my grand adventures.” You swallowed again, dropping the small portion of your sandwich that was left back onto the plate. Brushing the crumbs off your hands, you immediately found them moving to your pockets out of habit. . . only to pause when you realized you didn’t have your jacket.

Dean noticed your change in demeanor immediately, your hands patting down your sides as your eyes frantically bounced around the bare room.

“You okay?”

“My jacket. Where’s my jacket?” You quickly asked. How had you not noticed until now that your jacket was not with you? You had been here almost two days. “I need my jacket.”

“Okay, okay. Calm down.” Dean spoke softly, rising from his seat before setting down his half of uneaten grilled cheese. “I think it’s in the war room. I can go get it.”

As Dean left the room, you sucked in a breath. You didn’t care about all your other belongings that were probably still sitting in that bed in breakfast in Spain. It was the jacket that you cared about, and what it held.

Dean came back a moment later, the hunter handing it over to you silently. Quickly snatching it away, you brought it close. The canvas material was a deep green, and it had been a gift from Dean for your birthday years ago. Flipping it over in your lap, you quickly let your hand feel the inside before finding the well hidden pocket you had sewn into it and tearing it open.

Dean stood at the foot of the bed, watching you curiously as you dove your hands into the fabric of the jacket. A moment later you let out a sigh of relief, your hand pulling out what looked like a bunch of photographs. You flipped through the stack to make sure there was no damage. Once you were satisfied you let yourself take another breath.

“You mind telling me what going on?”

You had almost forgotten he was there. His voice making your head snap up. Everything in your better judgement was telling you not to say or do anything- but your heart took control and before you could stop yourself you were extending your hand and the photographs clutched within. They were your most prized possession these past two years, it’s why you had kept them so close- but now it was time to give them back to their rightful owner.

Dean was cautious as he reached forward, taking the photos from your hand. “What’s this?”

“Memories.”

Taking his eyes away from your he looked down at the photo at the top of the stack. It was of you, him, and Sam. The three of you leaning against the side of the impala, wide grins and all covered in dirt. It felt familiar.

He went through the stack slowly, eyes taking in every inch of inked paper and the memories they held. Some made him chuckle while others for some reason made his eyes sting with unshed tears.

But it was the last picture that made his breath catch in his throat. He wasn’t in it, and neither was Sam or Cas. It was just a side profile of you. Your hair was scattered across your face, clearly telling Dean it was windy on the day it was taken. Your eyes squeezed shut to block out the sunlight as you laughed. Out of everything in the stack, that one had to be his favorite.

And then it hit him like a truck. A wave of pain ripped through his skull and he found himself dropping the pictures, the hunter stumbling back out the open door way as his hands went to his head. A clip show of images flashing through his head as he slammed into the wall of the hallway.

And then Sam was there, Cas close behind as he rushed to his brothers aid, his hands going to his shoulders. “Dean!”

It was as if the photographs were conduits for his memories, because they all came back at once. Everything about you came back at once, like a tidal wave bearing down on him. After a moment, the pain slipped away and the hunter was gasping in air, not knowing he had been holding his breath.

“Dean?” Sam spoke up again, eyes filled with worry as he took in his brother. Dean only batted his hand away, his back still leaning against the wall as he looked through the open doorway with glassy eyes to find you standing at the foot of the bed, your expression similar to that of Sams and Cas’s.

There you were. His missing person. His-

“Y/N?”

SPN Taglist: (Still Open)

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[driedflowersforbrain]

You’ll Run Away // Theo Raeken One Shot

Not my gif.

Summary- Theo finds the reader in the street in the a drunk state, takes her home and some undiscovered feelings are confessed.

Pairing- Theo Raeken x Reader

Tags- Fluff, super fluff. Kissing. Nothing out of the blue.

A/n- Here goes nothing. First work of mine. Hope you guys like it. Theo Raeken is my soft baby soooo this was obv coming. Comments are welcome.

Go ahead <3<3<3

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Your Pov

I was pissed at Scott for trying to stop me. The pack was on some sort of mission that night, to try finding a way to know more about the Dread Doctors. Considering the fact, that I was a mere human, any and all details regarding their plan were kept from me. Scott, Stiles and I've been childhood friends. We have always been inseparable. But lately, I feel useless because I can't help them in any way.

But it wasn't my fault. So being the stupid, dumb idiot I am, I decided to do something reckless. Maybe not reckless, but I went to the club. A little clubbing and drinks never killed nobody.

Theo's Pov

I was driving back home after a frustrating meeting with the Dread Doctors. They didn't understand how important it was for me to have a pack. I was still gripping the steering wheel tightly and clenching my jaw, trying to control my anger.

I was in downtown now. It was quite dark outside and late. The streets were mostly empty except the occasional people here and there. When suddenly, my eyes fell on the dark silhouette swaying, dancing  on the sidewalk. There was something awfully familiar about that figure. I stopped my truck and got out.

It was y/n! But what the hell was she doing out here at this time.

'Y/n?' I said in a questioning tone despite knowing well that it was her.

She turned around, confused at first but soon her expression changed. A sheepish grin appearing on her lips. While a tired sigh escaped my lips.

'Theo!' she said, her words slurring. She took a step towards me, stumbling and falling. My supernatural instincts kicked in and I got her before she fell and hurt herself.

'Are you drunk?' Now that was a literal question. I didn't think of y/n as anyone who would go out late and get wasted, maybe I was about to be proved wrong.

My hands were still wrapped around her torso, trying to get her to straighten up.

'Yeshh' she said answering my previous question.

'Why?'

'Cause..cause' she thought hard for a while, withdrawing from my embrace, swaying  left to right. I held out both my hands just in case.

'Yeah, cause 'm angry at pack'

'Your pack?'

'Yes' she said seemingly proud of herself for giving a reasonable answer.

'Why are you angry at them?' I asked trying to get any sort of information from her that might help my plans for the future.

'Oh no!' she suddenly looked distressed.

'What's wrong?' I was on edge now.

'I forgot my glasses at the club.'

'y/n, you don't wear glasses.' I said, defeated. I knew she was incapable of helping in my endeavors  in any way.

'Come with me.' I grabbed her wrist, trying my best to be gentle. I pulled her across the road towards the dark blue truck. She leaned against the passenger side door and kept mumbling something. I grabbed my phone from the pocket of my trousers. I searched for Scott's number through my contacts and hit call when I found it.

Pressing the phone to my ear, I waited. The phone ringed for a while then went to voicemail. After my three unsuccessful attempts to reach Scott, I gave up and sighed loudly. I looked at y/n. She was staring at the sky, looking towards the sky, the back of her head softly pressed against the passenger side window. She was humming something.

A small smile appeared on my lips. Suddenly, my heart skipped a beat. Why was I smiling?! I wiped the smile off my face and grabbed y/n's forearm and opened the truck's door.

Seems like I have to do this myself. Driving drunk y/n home was not something I thought I would be doing tonight.

As got to the driver's side, I tried reasoning with myself. Maybe this would earn me some extra credits with the pack. This may make them think I can be trusted after all. Y/n didn't exactly trust me either but her that demeanor was asleep somewhere at the moment.

'Do you wanna hear a joke?' she asked innocently, her eyes gleaming like a child.

I looked straight ahead, towards the road and replied without looking at her,' No!' It came out harsher then I wanted but doesn't matter now.

Y/n stuck her bottom lip out and pouted like a kid, giving me puppy eyes. Oh no, I was obviously not falling for this. I'm a highly modified creature, a mix of supernatural and pseudo science. No way in hell was I going to give in.

Exactly seven minutes and three glances in her direction later, I gave in.

'Fine.'

A huge smile broke out on her face. 'What will you call a werewolf that doesn't know they are a werewolf?'

I thought for a moment. Actually trying to contribute to her efforts. 'I don't know, dumb wolf or something?'

'No silly!' She giggled loudly, making me smile again but this time it slipped my mind to be bothered about this unreasonable smiling. ' You call it an unawerewolf!'

I raised my eyebrow more amused by her answer than finding the joke funny. She laughed at her own joke. And hearing her laugh made me laugh myself. The encounter with dread doctors was now at the back of my head.

'That was really bad.' I said shaking my head despite my smile saying something else.

'Shut up.' She pouted. I guess I had offended her. I took this as a chance to stop any further conversation. She was quiet for a while.

Soon y/n reached for the radio, turning the button for any station playing nice songs. After toying with the button for a few minutes, she finally stopped at a station playing a Kygo song. Firestone was blasting from the speakers.

From the corner of my eyes, I saw y/n rolling down her window. But before I could react, she poked her head and then her torso was out of the window. I grabbed her shirt, trying to hold her, and also keeping the car steady.

'Y/n, get your head back inside and shut the window.'

'NO!'

'Y/N I SAID GET INSIDE!' I raised my voice. She gave in. After doing as I said, she slowing looked at me. My heart was beating erratically. I was worried?

The rest of the drive passed in silence. When we reached her house, I went to her side and opened the door.

She had her arms crossed and a dull expression on her face.

'C'mon, you' re home' I said, while getting her out and closing the door with my foot. She still had the same expression, not giving me any reply, not even looking towards me.

'Okay, I am sorry... for yelling at you' I said rubbing the back of my neck,'even though it was totally your fault' I added under my breath, sure she didn't hear that.

Hearing me say this, a smile broke out on her face. She threw both her hands around my bicep, resting her head on my shoulder. My heart fluttered, slightly.

'Theeeooo' she said in a sing-song voice. The rest of what she said was probably gibberish, her words too slurred for me to understand but her voice was high- pitched, cute. We both moved to the front door, swaying because of y/n of course.

'Keys?'

' Flower pot.' she said with a small yawn.

I understood immediately, looking under the flowerpot beside the door. And surely there was a key . I unlocked the door, took under inside but stopped at the threshold.

'Good night y/n. You should rest now.'

'Wait? Where are you going?' she said genuinely disappointed.

'I should go.' I raised my eyebrow, trying to keep my point. I turned around to leave.

Suddenly I felt two arms wrap around me from behind and a head resting gently on my back. There was silence for a while. Neither of us moving. I didn't try turning around.

'Please...stay' I heard her say in a small yet soft voice.

I finally did turn around.

Sighing I thought to myself , 'This is going to be a long night.'

Soon I found myself sitting on the edge of the bed, in y/n's room. It was nothing like I expected it to be. The bed was in the center of the room. Fairy lights covered the ceiling, illuminating the room with their yellow glow. A wall was covered in posters, photos of the pack and her family, artworks and evidence of any creative outbursts y/n had. It was incredibly quiet in the house considering that y/n lived with her uncle, who was her only family, and even he was out of the town most of the times.  

She was currently in her walk-in closet, ransacking it in hopes of finding something comfortable to wear at night. The door to the closet was open a little. I sneaked a quick glance inside but then quickly looked away. Maybe she was changing.  I heard quite shuffling, thanks to my supernatural instincts.

Not long after, she came out wearing an over-sized grey hoodie that reached up to her knees and fluffy socks. She gradually dragged her feet to the bed and sat down beside me.

I turned a bit to look at her. Water drops still rested on her face, probably from washing her face after changing. Her face was lit with the faint yellow light, highlighting the delicate curves and soft features. Her eyes were drooping.

"You should lay down. Your look sleepy." She looked at me slowly and shook her head. A frown appeared on my face.

"Why not?" I asked looking at her hand. She was fidgeting with the sleeves of her sweatshirt.

"Because...because you'll...ran away." She said in a soft voice. My face softened upon hearing this. I understood where this was coming from. Y/n was all alone on the street, Scott wasn't picking up any calls, y/n was angry at the pack. Now it didn't take a genius to understand what was going on here. She was left out of whatever the hell the pack was doing. She was alone without her pack. And frankly, nobody at the moment knew how that felt other than me.

I turned my body towards her. I slowly took her hands, which made her look up at me. My thumb rubbing gentle circle upon her hand.

"Hey, I'm not running away anywhere. Not from you." We sat in silence for a while, hands still intertwined.

"You should really sleep. I'll go...sleep on the couch...outside." I said getting up, pointing towards the living room. Then suddenly a look at her face made me stop. I sighed.

I took off my t shirt. A small smile came on y/n's face when she realized I wasn't going anywhere.

Y/n laid down on the bed leaving place for me. I climbed on the bed and put the cover on both of us, and turned off the light.

We both laid on our backs. Moonlight pouring through  the only window in the room. I turned towards y/n. Her y/e/c eyes were open and her breathing even. My heart skipped a beat. That seemed to be happening a lot tonight.

I brushed a strand of dark brown hair away from y/n's face. She turned towards me. I was afraid I was afraid I might have offended. Usually sober y/n kept her distance from me, always plotting with Stiles because they were the only ones I hadn’t won over yet. But somehow despite my agenda, I just couldn’t stay away from her. Sometimes it really frustrated me that I was getting distracted by a girl, but then I imagined her face with those soft curls framing her face and that smile that made the sunshine nervous and-

I even got scared that something I might do or maybe if she got caught up in the middle of my fight some day, she’d get hurt. And that was enough to keep me from trying to get too attached to her.

But on seeing her eyes night now, at this moment, relief washed over me. There was a delicate smile on her face, like I was not some stranger to her who she barely knew. Like I could be someone, was someone she trusted. 

Unconsciously my hand lifted a little and stroked her cheekbone as lightly as I could. She wrapped her hand around my fingers and for a moment I thought she might push it away, but to my utter surprise, she pressed it to her cheek, leaning into my touch. 

She was so precious, and her pack had abandoned her despite knowing how alone she was with only an uncle to call her family. Anger bubbled inside me, in that moment I could have fought the whole pack, even killed Scott but not for my gain, rather at the thought that they could call themselves your family and leave you behind like this.

My attention was snapped back to her, as she moved, pulling closer to me. I could fell her breath fanning my face, due to our proximity. All the anger that my erupting inside, plaguing my thoughts, vanished in mere seconds, as I took in her scent. Y/n was the one who drank tonight yet here I was feeling intoxicated. 

My eyes scanned her face. Drinking in every detail, trying my best to memorize in the fear that this might not last till tomorrow. My eyesight lingered on her lips. They looked so soft like frail petals of a rose. I wanted so bad to kiss her.

What happened next had me in shock. As if she read my mind, y/n slowly leaned forward and kissed my lips. It took a few seconds for my shock to subside. Once it did, our lips met and it was nothing like I had ever felt before. The bite, the blood lust, everything fell flat in front of this.

Our lips moved in perfect synchrony like they were made for this, and after a lifetime of longing they were united, knowing every inch of each other. I gently tugged at her lower lip as she smiled into my lips. I slowly let my tongue slip into her mouth, tasting the alcohol and the sweet taste of y/n that I had been longing for so long, yet only realized it now.   

I ran my hand through her hair, as softly as I could. Something had taken over me. As if my hands had a mind of their own. Y/n's hand reached forward closing any distance that remained between us and wrapped around my torso. It made me kind of nervous. I stiffened a little. But slowly, it comforted me. I haven't felt like this in a long time. Felt calm, comfortable.

I closed my eyes. One hand reaching her waist. Suddenly, she climbed on top of me, our bodies fitting like two halves of a moulds. I wanted this for the rest of my life. But there was a nagging that I didn’t deserve her, this won’t last when I wake up. So I tried to savor every second of this.

But no. No. I couldn’t. Y/n was drunk. Maybe she didn’t even know what she was doing.

I lightly pushed her away, even if it broke my heart. And laid her down beside me as before. A little pout appeared and her face. 

“What’s wrong?” she asked cupping my face with her hands.

“Y/n, you are drunk. Just go to sleep, we’ll talk tomorrow.”

“But I want to kiss you.” She said childishly pecking my lips, it took everything in me to not give in.

I sighed,”Y/n, I can’t. You...you are you. And tomorrow when the sun comes up, you’ll see me as me again, and I would be nothing but a guy you don’t trust. And I can’t live with that. Not after tonight.” I blurted out in a single breath.

“ But I like you silly, since the day you saved Scott at school, yeah you are a little shady and your hair are too perfect all the time to not be a wig. But I still like you.” She said as if it was the most obvious fact. 

A chuckle escaped my lip,” My hair are real.”

Her lips broke into a hearty grin as she ran her hands through my hair. She leaned forward again, but I pulled back, leading to another frown.

“Not tonight, y/n. The next time I kiss you I want you to be sober.”

“Okay. Cuddle me though.” She agreed grudgingly and then made grabby hands.

How could I not give in to this. So that is how I spent my night. With my face in the crook of her neck, breathing her in and arms wrapped around her, holding her as close as I could. 

When I thought that she had fallen asleep, she said in a hushed, sleepy voice-

“Theo, nothing changes tomorrow. Not ever.”

I pressed a light kiss to her temple before falling into a deep slumber devoid of any nightmares, which was a first. All I dreamed of was y/n and the possibility of a not-so-dreadful future.

Something had changed tonight. I don't really know what. But this girl beside me... I'll not ran away. Not from her. Not ever now.

[rokutouxei]

the wonder that’s keeping the stars apart

ikemen vampire: temptation through the dark theo van gogh / mc | T | [ ao3 link in bio ]

The challenge seemed pretty simple: to try to befriend the university bookshop’s most sour employee, Theo van Gogh. As a literature major with a boatload of book recommendations on her back, it ought to be a simple task indeed. But as she uncovers what lies between Theo’s pages, the more she finds it harder to become closer to him without having to put the feeling directly into words. What can she learn from Theo about what it means to stay—and how can she teach Theo about what it means to let go? | written for ikevamp big bang 2020!

[ masterpost for all chapters ]

CHAPTER 19 OF 22

-Sweetness of the dagger in the heart, up to the hilt Like a remorse. I'm not sure of dying.

- "Midnight Elegy", Léopold Sédar Senghor

--

interlude i

 --

It tastes a little more bitter than she thought it would be.

And she knows it’s not because of the leaving itself, but something else, that one thing she hadn’t dared address due to her overlapping fears. But time does not stop for anyone, so she is, instead, here. Standing in front of an open, semi-filled suitcase.

Going away for a year means packing enough clothes to last her through all the seasons, things she can style and re-style over and over efficiently. So she’s bringing her favorite clothes: a maroon turtleneck, her favorite plaid plants, the white blouse she wears all the time in the summer, her coat…

Her hands ghost over the fabric of the folded yellow dress she’s about to pack in but—

Something about yellow doesn’t sit right with her anymore.

Whatever. She doesn’t have to put it in yet. Or ever. Besides, it’s not like she’ll be done packing today, there are still some clothes in the laundry she ought to bring with her, and stuff she brought for repairs, and—

She’s just not ready to go quite yet.

So when Dazai invites her to join him and Arthur on a road trip, she says yes without thinking.

It’s a good deal, anyway—she only has to split the costs of gas and food, and Dazai and Arthur are shouldering the rest of the costs. (Where they got the money, she doesn’t know.) They said it’s their little treat, to wish her good luck with her trip abroad. They’re going south to a little-known beach destination. But it’s not just the three of them; Isaac’s not on campus right now—due to a conference or a seminar of some sort—but he promised he would follow them to the area once it was over.

They were set to stay for three nights. Arthur and Dazai promise that while they’ll be staying in the same hotel, they’ll get a suite that assures that both she and Isaac have entirely different rooms from theirs. She makes a face at them that makes them laugh, but soon enough, they’ve piled into Dazai’s rented car and are on their way three hours from campus.

It’s two weeks before she’s leaving for her exchange program and time feels slow.

They get there late in the afternoon, the sun just about to set; just in time to relax a little before the dinner buffet opens. At the latter end of the trip, Dazai had begun to sing praises non-stop about the food. Arthur also kept mentioning the view. Which would be exciting, if they weren’t being so handsy with each other that it was hard to figure out if they were talking about the resort or each other. The suite they had gotten with three rooms and a shared living space was rather beautiful, with a balcony that led right into the beachside.

Arthur and Dazai stumble backward onto their shared room with their mouths locked onto each other, and she exits the door at the back to look out the view.

She’s moving to a town by the seaside in fourteen days, and she’s lived in the city for so long it’s hard to imagine what it would be like to live in a place like this for longer than a vacation. The sharehouse she’d managed to get for herself was only a train ride or two to the beach, as well, so this kind of view, with the endless sea, the deep orange-red of the setting sun—is soon to become common.

It fills her with delight and—

Also fear.

But there’s not much time to think about it because soon, it’s time for dinner, and Dazai’s put on an Aloha shirt with a questionable design and—oh dear, Arthur has too. The linen blouse she’s got on has nothing in comparison to the loudness her friends are wearing, and somehow it’s just right.

Dazai is correct in saying that the food is good, and they stuff themselves to bursting with all the seafood and vegetables they can muster. She hadn’t imagined there would be this many kinds of edible seaweed, and how delicious they can be with the right mix of a salad. Then, there’s even a little song and dance presentation by a local cultural group—the kind that invited the audience to join in. Of course, Arthur and Dazai join in. She takes all the videos and photos she is physically able to, two phones in her hands and a camera on the table.

For a good portion of the three hours they spend half-eating, half-talking at the cafeteria, she forgets all that she is worried about.

Like it’s getting taken away by the sea.

The next morning, the three of them join a little tour group to go snorkeling at a nearby island. She admits to not being the most proficient swimmer—and also to a little fear of the open ocean—so Dazai and Arthur take turns to hold her hand and be by her side. They point at beautifully colored corals and swarms of fishes dashing in between their legs. The sea is not that scary when someone you know will not leave you is by your side. That no matter how far you go from the shore, you are still anchored down. At some point, Arthur gets stung by a jellyfish he’d missed to evade, and whines about it on the boat all the way back—Dazai promises to kiss it better. She pretends to be seasick. It’s all in good fun.

She doesn’t catch Dazai looking carefully at every expression she makes.

One group of tourists also in the same resort come knocking at their door around lunchtime, once they’ve gotten back. The group asks them if they’d like to join them in a little grill party because they’ve ordered too much food. Arthur offers to bring soda and alcohol in exchange, and so for a good portion of the afternoon, they’re sitting by the beachside under the shade of umbrellas munching on some grilled seafood and meat. It’s a large group that both Dazai and Arthur socialize with easily, while she guards their little spot. A young woman with dark black hair and stunning brown eyes tries to seek her company, but she politely declines, and she shuffles off back to the crowd with a little disappointment.

She’d rather be with someone else. But it’s all for the better that he isn’t with them, anyway. She knows that.

Isaac arrives later that day, the shadow of a storm in his eyes, just shortly after they’ve eaten their dinner. With one look, it becomes obvious to the three of them that Isaac will be severely overdressed. He looks great in it, sure, but a neatly-pressed button-down shirt paired with slacks and matching dress shoes aren’t exactly what you wear to the beach.

(“Of course that’s what he has, Arthur, he came from a conference.”

“Conference schmonference. What kind of man doesn’t have at least one pair of shorts and a T-shirt when he’s on a trip.”

“It is not professional, and I will not be wearing my sleepwear to the beach, Arthur.”

“Now, now, boys,” Dazai says, but she knows by the tone of his voice that he’s not up to any good, either. “I’m sure we’ll be able to work something out for our dear Isaac here.”)

The four of them end up watching a movie that night—Enola Holmes, her insistence—and maybe they watched another one, but she was asleep by the tail end of the first one to have even noticed. It is Isaac who carries her to bed. He’s only been here for a few hours at that point, but—sometimes she gets so deep into her head that she doesn’t notice how obviously it shows; in the bags under her eyes, in the way she holds herself upright—or not at all. And her friends are her friends for a reason.

The next day, they get into action.

She’s just gotten out of bed when Arthur comes back into the suite with a handful of flyers, saying that there’s going to be a surfing instructor down the beach. After some bayside breakfast—room service, because they can; she is so suspicious of Arthur right now, how many of the hotel staff had he seduced to get all this lavish treatment?—and a bit of rest, the four of them make the trek to the instructor’s place, nearby where the seaside shops are.

She and Arthur elbow each other all the way to the seaside, carrying their rented boards whispering to each other about how the instructor is “admittedly-actually-not-that-bad-and-maybe-if-I-were-a-little-less-sober-pretty-attractive.” Dazai and Isaac hang out by the beachside, having bought a pair of the most delicious in-season mango shakes they have ever had, lying on some reclining chairs.

Surfing, as it seems, is not as easy as it looks like, and the grace that comes with riding over waves taller than you is one that is learned by falling over and over again. It doesn’t take long for her to get soaked, sinking into the water with each unbalanced stance, the sea overpowering her. But she comes up laughing anyway. It is nice to feel small when the world is daunting. Arthur is there for every wave that crests. He watches her break the surface, grinning as she gasps for air with the stupidest “I fucked up again!” acceptance smile filling her face.

After the hour and a half they spent with the trainer who was a little too patient with her to be entirely uninterested, not giving up on her even when all hope seemed lost (she got to do it at least twice; that counts, doesn’t it?), she and Arthur head to where Dazai and Isaac are. They only turn for a split second to grin at each other, their cheeks pink from sunburn, when they both hear the unmistakable sound of Isaac yelling “DAZAI!” with as much shock and disappointment he can muster before—

Well, before the sound of the crashing waves get to him.

She sees it in slow-motion, Isaac heading face-first into the ocean.

And then there is only a smug-looking Dazai—who has the audacity to say, “Oh no, are you okay, Ai-chan?”—before throwing the spare (now, apparently, rather purposefully-brought) towel onto Isaac’s dripping form. And it’s silly because they know, they saw, but they pretend they didn’t, she and Arthur rushing in to ask, “What happened?”, trying to not reveal the snicker rising up their throats.

Dazai’s version goes like this: Isaac had taken a misstep, because he wasn’t paying attention, and had tripped over Dazai’s foot, which caused Dazai to jolt and accidentally push Isaac into the just-cresting wave.

Isaac’s version goes like this: Dazai pushed him into the water.

And that’s how the four of them end up heading to the seaside shops nearby, Dazai “apologizing” by giving Isaac an Aloha shirt that greatly matches all of that which he had brought with him on the trip. (He gets her one too as an added excuse that it’s a “group souvenir.”)

When Isaac frowns at himself in the mirror, donning the green shirt adorned with pines and waves, bright yellows and browns and oranges—she comes up to him and says, “thank you for joining us,” which in Isaac speak already means all she wants him to know.

The way Isaac sighs is full of friendship.

They find a small shack nearby later to have some late lunch: local delicacies of chicken and shrimp. Dazai hums a song excitedly as he prepares to scarf down on his food, and the lovely owner of the small place points them to a nearby karaoke parlor—which was, coincidentally, empty of customers.

Isaac is just about to say “please don’t” when the three agree to go spend some time there before taking the walk back to the resort.

Dazai and Arthur sing love songs to each other so fervently it’s hard to figure out if they’re being serious or are just good actors. She belts out all her favorite songs until her throat feels hoarse. They even got Isaac to sing, much to his chagrin. The owners of the parlor were thoroughly amused. It is only five too many songs later, the sun about an hour from setting, when they begin to walk home.

The beachside here allows visitors to take shells they would like to pick up, but ask they only pick a reasonable amount of—well, one each person. So she’s walking with her head down, Dazai next to her, looking for her most precious single shell to take back with her to the university.

Arthur and Isaac are walking ahead of them, meters out of earshot. As she gets up from inspecting another shell on the beach—not quite what she wants yet—Dazai turns to her with a serious look on his face.

“How’s your head?”

She could pretend to not know what he meant about it—and, she had actually hit her head on a beam earlier, but only lightly—but there is no escaping when Dazai puts on that tone of his voice.

Instead, she answers, “Is this what this is all about?”

Dazai shrugs. “And if it is?”

“Then I love you,” she adds, to which Dazai grins. He pats her gently on top of the head before she crouches back down onto the sand, brushing away to reveal a white shell streaked with purple.

Dazai looks away from her and up to the wide horizon; the sun reflecting its orange light onto the water. “I really think you ought to talk to him about it.”

“I don’t know if I should,” she admits, clutching the shell in between her fingers, observing its shape. “I mean at this point, what else is there to say?”

“Do you not want to tell him about this?”

“No,” she says, rather surely. Even if she doesn’t know which this she is referring to.

Dazai remains quiet for only a moment. Just enough for her to take another look at the shell in her hand and put it back down onto the sand. She wants to take it with her but it doesn’t feel right, not this one. It feels like it belongs to the sea. She stands up and begins to walk once more. Dazai follows a step behind her.

“Isn’t it unfair that you want him to reach out to you but you’re not willing to do the opposite?”

“I—”

When Dazai calls out her name, she knows he is serious. He rarely calls out her name—and when they first met, it was because they kept forgetting each other’s names. Now, when the syllables of it fall out of Dazai’s mouth, she knows he is serious. Her heart feels tight, like it has curled instinctively into itself as a response.

She looks up at Dazai with a face like she’s pleading, begging, asking him to make it better.

And Dazai asks:

“Are you more scared of the uncertainty? Or the rejection?”

--

The four of them wake up early the following morning to catch the sunrise on their last day at the resort. It’s not much—the sun is on the wrong side—but there’s something about coffee (Arthur’s blend; a recipe he wouldn’t dare tell anyone) in the early morning while watching the sky turn blue. They share that quiet, companionable silence that’s nothing but comfort.

She’s a hundred percent sure that she’s going to miss this.

They stay only long enough to have breakfast and finish packing up before they all pile into the car and make the drive home. Arthur’s got full control of the AUX cord (“Boyfriend rights!” “You are not his boyfriend though?” “Basically-boyfriend rights!”) and they get to listen to him belt every single lyric out in the small, enclosed space. They arrive at the campus a bit past noon, and they have one last lunch together before they go their separate ways. Dazai drives them back to their places. And when he lifts her little duffel bag out of the trunk and handed it to her, he makes sure to give her a look.

The kind that said, “you know what you have to do; so stop being afraid of it.”

The truth is, she thinks, as she’s climbing up the stairs, she’s not that scared of doing it at all. She’s scared that it won’t mean the same to him as it does to her. That it will all hang in the balance and it will be worth more to her than it will be to him, and then they will be separated just like that.

So what is it? Is she scared that he will deny her? Or is she scared that she doesn’t know how he’ll react?

Theo is a great friend. Theo has always been a great friend. Sure, he’s been a little rough on the edges, and sure, maybe he was mean to her in the beginning, but—all those insightful conversations, all the time he didn’t hesitate in lending to her when she wanted company, wanted a friend… Theo has been nothing but good to her. Sure, they’ve had fights, and maybe they don’t agree in all the things, literary or otherwise, and maybe there were things she knows he can improve on but—

He has been good.

And she knows if she lets him, he will continue to be good to her.

She just doesn’t know if he wants to do it any longer.

Once she gets to her room she sorts her laundry into the proper baskets, and brings them downstairs to the coin laundry machines to run them. She spots the little hardbound e.e. cummings book on her counter and ignores it. She drops the clothes onto the machine and pours detergent, closes the lid, and lets it spin. When she gets back upstairs, she closes the door with a gentle click. Heads to her bedroom to take a nap while the machine runs and—

Finds the yellow dress she’d left behind while she was packing for the trip, the one she didn’t have the heart to wear. The one she didn’t want to.

But what does she have to lose now? When there are only days, only hours? And the words that are left unsaid only keep growing?

She checks the time on the clock on her wall. Thinks about what Dazai has told her. What the four days away from the only city she’s ever known has told her.

She takes another look at the yellow dress.

Thinks of him.

Thinks of the rooftop waiting for them.

[bluemoonpunch]

⭐ BTS 2019 Outlook Reading - Oracle Reading

[For the sake of not cementing anything or putting cracks in positive potentialities I wanted to focus more on their integration process and soul progression, and just sprinkle in the potentialities that seem to already be cemented in place and carry the most energy. I am hoping that doing an actual set spread will make things much cleaner and easier to gauge than with the original OT7 2018/2018 Outlook reading that I did back in July. For this reading I am going to use the Wisdom of The Oracle, the Angelarium: Oracle of Emanations, Chakra Reading Cards, and the Tarotwave decks. This is an original spread by me based on an extended from the Floater’s Club reading that is featured in my shop. This reading lasted 5 hours. ]

This reading was performed on November 30, 2018.

Pre-Reading:

There is no way in hell I’m going to go through this reading without going through key points of the original OT7 2018/2019 Outlook reading because I just read through that shit again and the amount of information in there that didn’t make any sense at all prior to the whole Soul Body Map and Healing is astounding.

As I was reading it I was in a constant state of facepalm because there was so much that I was channeling but just wasn’t understanding fully. Like I said the divine intervention was the least likely thing to occur and that divine intervention was literally the Soul Body Healing that took place about a month later. Honestly, smh.

-full reading under the cut with photos-

Just so we can keep things straight, the original outlook reading is what triggered that whole Soul Body Map thing. I think it was like a couple of days after I posted it, so about a month and a half or two months after I started seeing “The Wobble” I got the first image of the Soul Body. It was all a thing, very dramatic. If you were around for all of that, I’m sure you remember me crawling back to Tumblr dot com to let you all know that I was still alive but just hanging on by a thread after about five hours of some extremely intense energy shifting nonsense.

So, yeah, I’m going to go through some key points of the original reading to explain things from this much clearer perspective that I have now because good lord was I an idiot. I’ll include quotes and stuff from the original reading here so you don’t have to go back and re-read it, however, it is still a pretty interesting post nonetheless.

Timelines folding over — I’ve been going on about the timelines folding over for a couple of weeks now (as of November 30th) because that is literally what has started happening for the collective.

It’s why a lot of other readers are starting to get these very negative reads on BTS. Not only are the timelines folding over and bringing the past into the present moment energetically, people are also ascending, so their receptibility to those energies are getting stronger, they’re just not aware that it’s something from the past, that it’s hollow, and by posting about it they are seeding it into the current collective timeline that A LOT of the Soul Group is still on.

In the original reading, the very first card out was The Tower. It was a literal bright neon sign flashing in my face before I even started the readings telling me that the timeline I was going to be reading was one that was going to collapse. Like… why am I dumb? I mean I should have figured that since 2019 and 2020 are like big years for timeline merging and collapse, but like, what the fuck right?

But yeah, that was a bit of an obvious thing, so I should have known that everything up to 2019 was a soon to be an old paradigm, it was something that was already crumbling away specifically because it was not in alignment with what they were supposed to be doing.

However, the outside manipulation was slowing things down, it was causing problems, but whether or not the Soul Body Healing took place, it would have been taken care of. It would have all been fixed by way of the high vibrational beings, the high-frequency light beings that I mentioned towards the end of that reading. The Soul Body Healing literally just sped things up by a lot while also raising the collective vibration of the Soul Group.

So, it wasn’t really necessary, but it had an incredibly huge, massive, positive influence over the Soul Body, the Soul Group, and the guys on a conscious and physical level.

To best explain it, you could say that it was absolutely necessary within the previous timeline, the one that is currently folding over on itself and collapsing, but on the current one, it wasn’t at all. All that was necessary was for them to be able to jump timelines, which is what the Soul Body Healing did…

This would be why everything started to “jump forward." Like when I tried to do this reading at the end of September and everything I predicted for a three-month timeframe literally all happened within three days of me finishing it… do you know how mad I was about that? Omg.

It’s like as soon as the healing hit the conscious layers they started hitting the skip button and everything just ran through super fast to get them to this point that they are currently at. It was like shortcutting to the integration process that they missed before due to the previous timeline.

See, this is why I never brought up timelines in detail — it’s way too fucking complicated especially if you’re still looking at time as being linear and running side by side rather than happening within itself and all at once.

This is why I still insist on people not paying much attention to rumors or any of that low-vibe shit because that’s literally anchored into a collapsing timeline. It’s dead energy, it doesn't matter. It’s only projecting through collective perception.

Pretty much you can see it as a giant portion of the Soul Group and the general public playing hot potato with a rotting corpse. It’s cold and gross and you look silly tossing it around as though it actually means anything anymore. The only things that matter and have life are what you choose to focus on, especially now that timelines are shifting and people are projecting their reality more and more.

The Transition from Fire to Water — This was a big thing all throughout the original reading as well as within the Soul Body especially when it came to the healing process. I’ve explained it now in the Rap Line Relationship reading so I won’t go into here, but yet again, the whole Fire to Water things was another neon sign I missed when it came to what I was actually being shown.

Like, I got the gist of it with how things were going from the soul to the conscious mind, that was literally what disconnected Namjoon from the source energy, to begin with, but I don’t think I was considering all the layers of energy and consciousness.

Actually, I know I wasn’t because with that reading I was only using the Wisdom of the Oracle deck and the Rider-Wait deck, which means I was focusing on their Guides and their conscious alignment… IDIOT.

But it’s fine, I figured it out later through a month-long journey through a fucking soul map.

But yeah, the Water and Fire thing, the Divine Feminine and the Divine Masculine, shifting from one to the other, was all spelled out pretty clear there.

In the Soul Body, the Fire energy was being shoved in by way of outside manipulation and was causing even more instability. Literally, the healing was done by forcing “Water” through every single energy line in the body, spinning the energy to raise the frequency, and then reconnecting lines to where they needed to be in order to allow the restructuring to occur.

New Life and Regeneration — Literally, I was so fucking on point with that. If you’ve read through all of the solo readings for December, then you know that the “regeneration” that I talked about, the integration of the Higher Self into the conscious layers and the physical body is happening right now. They’re in that mode with the collective. They’re not all on the same level at the moment, but they are experiencing this process right now.

5 of Wands, Pressure — In the original reading within the timeframe of the first half of 2018, I talk about the signatures of that timeframe and what was going to be leading into the second half. The 5 of Wands was a card that came out in a set and this is what I wrote about it:

“This all comes to a head and clashes under The Tribe card with the 5 of Wands. This is aggression, fighting, and general conflict. There are tension and aggravation within a certain set of them that are getting more and more stressed out. A lot of pressure building up. I see this as being a physical manifestation of "The Wobble.””

This wasn’t a physical manifestation of the group’s energy, this was literally just Hoseok. The pressure building up at this time was his energy center in the Soul Body. Even the readings I did where his energy was present would have him coming out with Wands, Fire energy, in almost all of them. You can even go back to Hoseok and Yoongi’s relationship reading which I posted 5 days after the original outlook reading. And again in his Elemental Alignment reading which came out four days after the Outlook reading.

This here was something that I wrote in Hoseok’s EA reading when I pulled the 5 of Wands, the Knight of Wands, and the Ace of Wands in one go for him:

“Extremely Aggressive Energy - These were the first cards to come out while I was shuffling. Specifically, these three cards are the most WAND ENERGY of the Wand suit. Five of Wands is aggression and conflict. The Knight of Wands is like my idea of “double fire” and pertains to speed and action, all movement, no thinking. And of course, the Ace of Wands is like Elemental Fire on the level of Divinity — it holds a lot of potentials, a lot of BIG IDEAS that in this set here are just not possible. It’s just a lot, it feels very manic, it’s moving in a bunch of different directions in a small place. It’s very tense energy and very aggressive. With this I saw the image of the boxer again, trying to get this tension and aggravation out through aggressive action and inflicting pain on himself.”

Like, I swear to god, if I could go back in time and slap myself across the face and scream “WAKE UP, SHEEPLE” I would because how did I miss that? How did it take me a month to figure out that Hoseok’s energy center was where the fucking Fire energy was coming into the Soul Body?

This energy was literally his energy center, and it was starting to manifest on a conscious level, or it had been already, but it was just starting to get to a point where “pressure was building” because he, on a conscious level, was pushing it down as it was coming up as severe mood swings, stress, and anxiety — aspects of himself that he prefers to hide.

The Lovers and the 4 of Pentacles were Yoongi — In the second half of 2018 timeframe of the original reading I had pulled these cards as part of a set that would cover the last six months of the year. This is what I wrote about them:

“The Lovers - Some sort of connection with the Guides. Feeling Divinely Guided to do something, some sort of shift. First opportunity to shift or regain actual control. I saw Namjoon and Yoongi for this one so either Mr. Know-It-All-Virgo Man or Mr. Feel-It-All-Pisces Man is going to get the fucking hint and try to do something. This might be the collaborative work.

4 of Pentacles - The low vibration, earthly influence is going to step in. Literally just like the image, trapping them, controlling them for money’s sake. Really putting a stopper on whatever it is that Namjoon or Yoongi is going to do. Kind of tightening the grip, hands around the neck a lot tighter. It’s like if this happens their Guides are going to be fighting with whatever is guiding the people who are restricting them.”

Again it’s so obvious and I hate myself.

Yoongi was the one, as I’ve mentioned about a thousand times, who was the most coherent through the whole thing, he was very aware of something being wrong. He was the only one out of all of them to remain connected to the unconscious mind, and therefore stayed connected to his inner knowing, guidance, and awareness.

In the Rap Line Relationship reading, I shared images of what I had been shown just recently about how the energy was being exchanged, and there was a note on it about how Namjoon’s energy center was splitting the transmissions between the remnant and Yoongi’s unconscious mind. That was why I was seeing both Yoongi and Namjoon here.

They were working together on this, working on establishing a reconnect, but it was happening unconsciously.

The transmission Yoongi was receiving could have put ports in the music in a way where they could have been filled, but as we all know now, a lot of his work was rejected for the albums around that time. So, he was channeling, pretty much filling in for Namjoon, but in a low-vibe manipulated twist of fate, his work that carried the transmissions was getting shut down.

How interesting.

Again, I’m sure it would have fucking clicked if I had considered the layers of consciousness and energy here. I honestly can’t remember why I didn’t.

Brand deals overseas and “time to go” — Within the same time frame as the previous set I had gotten this whole thing about being so run down that the group collectively started to think about leaving or about changing things up in some way in terms of how they work. (December 20, 2018 Edit: Lol, Jin literally dropped the bomb saying that they thought about disbanding earlier this year.) It had to do with them getting sick during the tour, getting injured, being run down and all of this happening because their Guides were trying to get them so uncomfortable with that situation that they had to rethink their position and demand more.

Literally, it culminated around the contract renewal. All of them getting injured and sick or feeling overworked in that tight space of time while they were on tour is what helped them present their demands or conditions while renewing their contract, therefore putting them back (slightly) into a position of power.

The brand deals overseas that I mentioned as well were part of that as it presented more money that they would be aware that they weren’t getting a fair cut of or something like that. Something about the overseas deals making money and appropriate cuts a priority so that, in that way as well, they could take back control or a higher position in a sense.

This is what I wrote about the Time To Go card:

“The three cards in the middle are Imagine, Peace, and Time To Go. They really interested me because they came out like that on top of each other. I didn’t really understand it at first until I had laid out the other two sets and slapped them in the middle. Really, if you just read them out as they are the message is clear, “Imagine peace, time to go.” — They will be overworked and fed up with what is going on, so much so that they, as a group or as individuals, will contemplate leaving the tour, quitting the group, or something would happen to them physically that would literally just put one of them in the hospital again. Again this will be a challenge or a push from their Guides to get them to break away from the bindings that they would potentially be in at this time.”

Namjoon being a focus due to his disconnect — I dropped the ball on this one, I think. The mending aspect to Namjoon’s awareness, his “Deep Knowing” is what was actually being presented here, again, through the level of the unconscious rather than the conscious mind. That is why the focus was on him when it came to their Guides. He is literally the Crown Chakra of the Soul Body, if he is disconnected, they are all disconnected.

They were focusing on him, presenting things to him constantly to try and trigger him into reconnecting. This is why I was seeing the solo album with this set — they were using that as a means to get him re-integrate or merge with his Higher Self again through soul connection or inner awareness.

The reason I was seeing him as being the first or the one to lead the shift in awareness is that, well, he is the fucking Crown. He shifts everything, he leads everything on every level. This was not happening on a conscious level so him being the one to bring things up with the company was an absolute toss, and was more in line with what Yoongi would have been doing as he was more involved with this consciously.

The Leg Up and Go The Distance shit wasn’t something he was going to do or already doing, it was the literal timeline that they were meant to be shifting to. Literally, his Guides were very blatantly telling me that they were trying to “Mend” his “Deep Knowing” so that he could get “A Leg Up” — Jump — to the upper timeline which, as I get to, later on, is represented by Go The Distance.

This is what I wrote for this bit:

“This came out and once I laid them out I instantly saw Namjoon, so this has to do with him. I think he will be the first to really start thinking of ways out or he will be acting as the leader and bringing up his concerns with the company. The Deep Knowing and Mending are there in that energy, him understanding somewhat of what is happening and trying to fix it. This knowledge and understanding of the situation will make it difficult for him to be manipulated, giving him A Leg Up and allowing him to Go The Distance. This bit here read more as potential. Like, right now with the path they are on Namjoon will, for sure, get to this point, but the bottom two cards only stand as an option that he will have.

With this, I was also seeing solo projects or collaboration projects, focus on a solo album or a release of a solo album. I don’t know if that was specifically for Namjoon, but I fucking hope it is because RM was the best album of all time and literally no one can convince me that RM 2.0 won’t be equivalent to the second coming of Christ.

Either way, one of them is going to have some awareness or some sense of being stifled and will branch out and put a lot of energy into solo work around this time in order to speak. (I don’t have confirmation and I didn’t see or get anything about it, but I feel like this is definitely Namjoon because so far he is the only one in BTS that had full alignment with their Higher Selves in their Elemental Alignment reading. He is a highly developed soul, he’s had multiple lifetimes with all of the other guys, and he’s one of the more “Special” cases that their Guides are really focusing on — so I think he’s the one that will be doing this, but that’s just a thought from me.)”

Like, honestly, throughout this whole reading I was like right on top of things but then at the last minute, I would just veer the fuck off a cliff simply because I was focused on the conscious state.

See, this is a great example of why I always tell people that it’s good to be aware of the layers of consciousness whether you’re the one doing the reading or you’re just someone who is reading someone else’s work. Not being aware of all the layers can make what you are picking up on very cloudy and messy, and relatively inaccurate.

Keep that in mind, peeps.

The Soul Body Healing was literally right there — Right after the previous bit in the first half of 2019, the very first card I pulled for the timeframe was the 8 of Wands which I described like this:

“This bit here would be leading from the potential of one or more people in BTS having awareness of the situation and also having the balls to speak up about it to the company. Again, these are in order of how things could potentially play out.

8 of Wands - A lot of energy would swoop in, it actually feels very manic. Like, it would have all built up and the second just one of them opens the floodgates it’s game over. I was seeing connections happening here, like their Guides and their Higher Selves would have more connection to their subconscious and would then be able to give them a bigger shove in the right direction. They would really feel this happen and we as an audience might even see this, might catch it in things they say or do around this time if this is where they end up.”

This was literally the Soul Body healing, like plain and simple, this is what this is. Even the use of the term “floodgates” vibes so hard with the actual healing it’s embarrassing.

The connections were happening through the Soul group on a conscious and unconscious level which raised the vibration enough to direct the energy through to the Soul Body which allowed for the reconnection and restructuring to occur, and then for the connection and reintegration to start happening with the Higher Selves and for their Guides to be more involved.

And yeah, they really felt this happen and, no shit, we as an audience saw it happen, like what the fuck. I’m honestly so mad, I hate re-reading my posts because I’m always like “this is hard to explain” or I’ll say something and it’s just slightly off and I’m like WHY? WHY ARE YOU DUMB? YOU CAN LITERALLY SEE THIS WHY DID YOU WRITE IT LIKE THAT??

Like, honestly, the fact that my Guides literally told me that I need to study more so they can show things more clearly and so that I can understand more is probably due to this shit right here.

Collective shift and alignment with the Divine Feminine — Yin and Yang, the Divine Feminine and the Divine Masculine were a big thing in the original reading and at the time I was completely unaware of the fact that one of the biggest points to the ascension process is a collective (global collective) reconnect with the Divine Feminine.

A lot of people that talk about the shift and the ascension process were alluding to this most likely fleshing itself out more within the collective in the earlier half of 2019. The second half of 2019 is the timeframe that I pulled the Yin card out all on its own, separate from the Divine Masculine counterpart, Yang, and since everything is shifting forward for them, speeding up so that they can be ahead of their soul group and lead a smoother shift, it makes more sense of why that was there.

I was kind of on track with that, I guess, but for the most part, I was still focused on intuitive and emotional connection, which is accurate, I guess, as the “acting through soul/heart” thing is exactly how that would be presented consciously.

Alignment with the higher timeline — All throughout the original reading the “Go The Distance” card was presented as a representative of the higher timeline, the one they recently jumped to, the one that is NOT currently collapsing in on itself and making everyone who’s tied to lower frequencies get even more insane, and it’s very interesting that it's directly associated with the “divine intervention” that occurred through the Soul Body healing by way of raising vibration through the collective Soul Group.

Towards the end of the reading, the potentials were getting very spread out and weak, but the strongest ones were the last two which I wrote out like this:

“The Star - Divine Intervention. Call back to the “Go The Distance” set in the previous section with The Fates and Higher Power. Basically, something beyond their Guides, something of extremely high vibration would actually intervene and set them back to where they need to be. This would be an extreme shift. It’s very unlikely that this will happen, but in a sense, their Guides have already put out a “notice” that they are drifting and being manipulated away from their path, and if necessary they will need to be thrown the fuck back on it, which is kind of out of their realm of capability as Guides.

The Magician - Radical Rebellion. This could either be a solo thing, or this is the result of The Star. This is where they would decide they’ve had enough and basically go on strike or some shit like that. Demand more or just go against the company and low-vibe people every chance they get. Speaking out against them, making music to be released privately, leaking shit, just random things like that. They would take everything they had and use it to change their situation. Again, this is very unlikely, and I do think it really is with The Star and not something they would just do out of nowhere.”

Someone needs to shame me for this because like… I talk about independent layers of awareness and evolution of the human consciousness through ascension, yet I was severely in denial about divine intervention happening in a way that would be noticeable… and then proceeded to fucking man the ship of that divine intervention like a month later… amazing.

It was a “path of least resistance” thing as well, like the same reason my readings following the original outlook reading carried transmissions for the soul group is the same reason I was the one to get the fucking soul map in the first place.

Summation spelling shit out — The very final set of cards at the end of the reading were the most blatant and straight up way of saying, “no matter what happens, this shit is going to get cleared up.”

The ascension itself is a natural process like it’s literally evolution, it literally will happen to everyone no matter what. The stress and the issue with it were that you have all this built up energy, multiple lifetimes that were all leading to this moment in which they, as individually developed souls, would literally be the driving force behind millions of people’s ascension.

Like… would you not be pissed if you put in hundreds of years of work towards letting parts of your body that you cut off to grow into individual people so that they could change the world and shit, and then right at the last minute, in the last lifetime, everything just gets taken away and millions of people fall behind and have to take a slightly more pressurized and potentially traumatizing process towards conscious evolution.

I ask again:

WOULD YOU NOT BE PISSED?

So, in the previous timeline, the Soul Body healing was necessary not only for them to shift up, but for the soul group to maintain a heightened vibration while they were “incapacitated.”

With the current timeline, the one they are on and some of the people in the Soul Group are on, it’s almost like the Soul Body healing didn’t happen because it’s almost like the Soul Body manipulation didn’t happen. It literally doesn’t matter. It existed only to boost them up and to help the Soul Group maintain a higher vibration, and now it’s done.

Pretty much the collective station now is that you are where you are, and now everyone is just moving individually. So, if you jumped timelines already, great, if you didn’t, you will eventually. Just as it is with BTS, the ascension is just happening now. There’s no real need for anyone over a certain vibration or frequency to put effort into it or make a big fuss about it unless they want to.

For instance, I’ve been told straight up that I can stop with the blog and all the readings and stuff and just go back to living a normal human life because I’m pretty much done with what I was supposed to do, but I have the choice to stick around and help people that need it.

It’s on an individual basis now, it’s past the tipping point, so it’s more about being in that Divine Feminine flow, that receptive energy. Just in a space of allowing things to happen as they need to and not allowing yourself to literally stay in a collapsing timeline.

It’s all some shit, isn’t it, lol.

So, let’s get on with the actual reading.

Just to avoid making the same mistakes as last time, I am going to be using a lot of cards and a lot of energy analysis to be sure that I am reading the right levels at the right time. And to avoid making this any longer than it needs to I'm going to write things out as I would in my notebook, just as summaries and notes.

The Reading:

January, February, and March 2019

Overall Energy

Yesod — Root — Connection Raziel — Angel of Mystery Sahaqiel — Angel of Sky

[a move towards completion of the integration through an expansion of self-awareness and questioning the surroundings. ]

Individual Energetic Influences:

Namjoon

Higher Self: Balance Guides: Fork In The Road + Co-Create + Serendipity Conscious Levels: Eight of Cups

[reconnecting to the Higher Self, coming back into merging, being presented with a lot of decisions, another wave of mental shit very similar to what it was like when the soul body healing started to manifest on a conscious level, just a big wave of channeling, but mostly in terms of self-progression rather than transmissions, although, he could still share the experience.]

Yoongi

Higher Self: Nurturing Guides: Mending + Chaos and Conflict Conscious Levels: Death

[has to do with what I got in his solo reading in which he is being asked to take care of himself, but on both ends, he’s contradicting himself. One end is taking things easy while consciously he refuses to do it, so the guides are taking care of both sides]

Hoseok

Higher Self: ‘I Am’ Presence Guides: Come To The Edge Conscious Levels: Nine of Cups + 10 of Cups

[big emotional influx, might be a bit difficult as it kind of implies emotional purging, releasing what he has been shoving down, very open and honest, very free in terms of expression, even if it is just with himself (December 20, 2018 Edit: Literally more of what we saw when he cried during his speech, that kind of release.)]

Jimin

Higher Self: Meditation Guides: Observer + A Change In The Wind Conscious Levels: Two of Swords

[in observation of the others through his Libra-ness, the reflection, seeing them change and reflecting on himself, starting to be reintroduced to the image of himself and his own perception. A slow start mostly focused on the others.]

Jin

Higher Self: Rebirth Guides: Poised Conscious Levels: The Star

[just doing his thing, sticking with his integration as it is now, much more relaxed. He's vibing with his soul pretty hard honestly like he's in it.]

Taehyung

Higher Self: Visualisation Guides: Loyal Heart Conscious Levels: The Hierophant + Temperance

[introduction of water into the system, reconnect through the heart/soul through artistry, homeboy better start painting original shit]

Kook

Higher Self: Angels and Masters Guides: Higher Power + Deep Knowing + Regeneration Conscious Levels: Two of Cups

[speedy integration, lightning quick, the angels and masters imply the domino effect of the soul body, how everyone else will have begun integrating so it will zoom right through him as he is the "last domino to fall." The experiences of the others will fall into him. Will start to reach out to people again, try to gain back the lines lost through that mountain-building thing in his core. Will either reestablish a connection with the fans or something within his personality will be noticeably different to the audience or general public. (December 20, 2018 Edit: Lol, all those selfies and chatroom things that he's been doing recently.) Experiencing emotional connection and awareness, a rise in empathy.]

Energetic Influence By The Month

January 2019

Soul Level: ‘I Am’ Presence Guided Influence: Exchanging Gifts Conscious or Physical Manifestation: Ace of Swords + Ace of Wands

[Coming back into power and leading with their own thoughts and action. Something brand new, new energy entirely. This should be noticeable unless it is literally being exchanged as a seed and the self-awareness aspect is simply the beginning.]

February 2019

Soul Level: Inner Child Guided Influence: The Fates Conscious or Physical Manifestation: The Magician

[reconnecting to the creative influence, back in line with what they are meant to be doing, soul connection through passion and creativity. They will be creating something or something will be springing up, something that has been in the works for a while.]

March 2019

Soul Level: Relationships Guided Influence: By The Book + Happy, Happy Conscious or Physical Manifestation: Justice

[feels karmic, may be related to what comes up in February in terms of coming into their power and directing it. This could be either a break with ties they do not want or connections being made that they do want. Either way, they will be getting something that they want and this will be a “rightful place” kind of thing. This may happen behind the scenes.]

April, May, June 2019

Overall Energy

Yesod — Root — Connection Keter — The Crown — Spirituality Da’at — Null — Emptiness

[integration further progressing, collective Higher Self integration or awareness, fully being guided by the Higher Self or inner guidance. Expanded consciousness and awareness. There something about "physical touching" coming up but I have no idea what that means, maybe a sense of a closer connection through their work or... a meet and greet?? I don't fucking know lol. Something about closer connections on a conscious and physical level.]

Individual Energetic influences

Namjoon

Higher Self: Family Guides: Here and Now + Unfinished Symphony Conscious Levels: The Devil

[Bringing in something more from the past, something in the roots, something that he needs to finish. He’s seeing more of where he kept himself from being able to connect with other people rather than seeing it as something that was necessary or caused by something outside of himself. Could be emotional and mental purging. He could experience stress at this time, might be writing a lot more because of his processing.]

Yoongi

Higher Self: Grounding Guides: Time For A Nap + Yang + Between Worlds Conscious Levels: The Hanged Man

[Still trying to get him to chill out and let things pass. The Higher Self is merging with the physical body and giving that very Pisces “between worlds” and “hanged man” kind of vibes. The grounding aspect may be extremely necessary at that point, which is why Yang, a more physical based and conscious level energy is being presented in order to help things move smoother and avoid any instability. He may be at a point here where the Higher Self has no choice but to relax, or the others will be in a state where Yoongi's Higher Self is comfortable letting them handle themselves the rest of the way.]

Hoseok

Higher Self: Soul Healing Guides: Go The Distance Conscious Levels: The Sun

[Continuing on from the previous set of his now with the soul healing, bringing things to the surface with no ill intent or self-blame. It’s is the very free and open feeling that usually follows the end of an emotional purge. He even has the sun present here some of the other guys did in their solo readings. A great show of the “acting from the heat, living through the soul.” No more suppression, only open honesty with himself and others.]

Jimin

Higher Self: Balance Guides: Poised + A Leg Up Conscious Levels: Justice

[Starting to take that outer awareness and turn it inward, it’s just starting to be turned on himself. Very steady and slow progression. Just like Yoongi, it will move slow and his Guides will give him some cushioning to avoid any instability.]

Jin

Higher Self: Communication Guides: Blessed Conscious Levels: The High Priestess + The World + Wheel of Fortune + Justice

[High vibe shit, full integration, inner communication, awareness, at least on the subconscious level, of the Higher Self and of external Guidance. Actively and consciously aligning making it very, very easy for his Guides to work with him. ]

Taehyung

Higher Self: Self-Mastery Guides: No Place Like Home Conscious Levels: Glitch.EXE

[Break down of that split inner core, may be more existential as a questioning of identity could be presented to him, but it would be for the sake of bringing him back to his core. He may not seem well around this time, maybe a bit off emotionally or seem shy or reserved. He would be more aware of his "many faces" and therefore become self-conscious again with how he presents himself and how people see him.]

Kook

Higher Self: Inner Child Guides: Flexible Conscious Levels: The Chariot

[Again, following the others through the process, very malleable. I’ve mentioned somewhere before that Kook’s energy is very moldable and can be guided very easily. That’s what this is here. He’s bending and flowing along the path of the integration process with the others, he's following the paths that the others have formed through their own progression. This leads to very quick conscious expansion as well. Very quick creative output. He may work more on solo things around this time or there would be an influx of creative expression, sharing his work, wanting to talk to people more.]

Energetic Influence By The Month

April 2019

Soul Level: Rebirth Guided Influence: No Place Like Home Conscious or Physical Manifestation: Knight of Cups

[It’s more like things are settling in energetically, this can play out as things externally falling into place as well. Something quite happy and positive can come from this. Even just a break in the integration, like some "quiet time." I've seen that in personal readings where there would be a huge influx followed by a month or two of nothing at all just to allow everything to settle back in. It's a time to restructure and become familiar with the new energy so that there is a smooth foundation for the next wave.]

May 2019

Soul Level: Universal Light Guided Influence: Flexible + The Fates Conscious or Physical Manifestation: Ten of Cups

[This is like an extension of the previous month. Whatever is positive within the King of Cups is expanded on and “sparked up” into the 10 of Cups by way of pure alignment on all levels between all seven of them with the layers of consciousness and guidance. This would be the next wave. Literally, it's like the Knight of Cups was the "appetizer," just something to give them a taste of those cups, and here is the full course meal of that Divine Feminine energy, the receptive energy.]]

June 2019

Soul Level: Clarity Guided Influence: Message In A Bottle Conscious or Physical Manifestation: The Empress + Wheel of Fortune

[That alignment brings about some level of understanding or inner knowing amongst the seven of them. It’s something that will cause them to consciously want to shift their foundations, change things, move with the Higher Self and their Guides. Moving closer towards their purpose collectively. This is like the conscious integration of the 10 of Cups, it's how they sync up and start to move with each other again. Something big could come from this with public perception as well as they could release something or do something with their work that has a positive impact.]

July, August, September 2019

Overall Energy

Azrael — Angel of Death Netzah — Right Leg — Endurance Keter — The Crown — Spirituality

[Implimenting change on a physical level, riding the ascension, potentially experiencing difficulties adapting. Purging connections to old timelines, rapid ascension. This could be stressful again. Really feeling a lot of migraines as the Crown Chakra for all of them would literally be opening, they would all start channeling the way Namjoon does, just taking in energy, which may overload some of them. They could seem tired here.]

Individual Energetic Influence

Namjoon

Higher Self: Inner Child Guides: Clean It Up Conscious Levels: Knight of Wands

[Moving inward towards his passions, starting to remove self-doubt and self-criticism. Acting on his passions, acting from the heart, speaking up more. Bolder movements. Breaking down certain structures either on the conscious level or in his own perception.]

Yoongi

Higher Self: Spiritual Awakening Guides: Yin Conscious Levels: Ace of Wands

[Connecting on a much deeper level to the Divine Feminine, connecting to Divine Inspiration. Just like Namjoon, he will be much more likely to act on his passions, speak up. This may be more internal though. Namjoon and Yoongi will be in sync again.]

Hoseok

Higher Self: Soul Healing Guides: Building Blocks Conscious Levels: Judgement

[Becoming more critical of the ego, dismantling the ego through self-analysis. Expansion in self-awareness. He could also seem disconnected from the others, or just quieter in general as he would be in a state of contemplation, very much vibing with The Hermit in a way. Very in his head around this time. It might not be noticeable to the public unless he's at a point where he would share it, but I don't think he would be.]

Jimin

Higher Self: Dreams Guides: Mending Conscious Levels: Three of Swords

[Becoming aware of subconscious blocks. Repressed memories coming to the surface, being guided to “face his demons” on a superficial level. This can be very stressful, but it is part of the process of cutting ties with past trauma, struggles, and lower frequencies altogether. Subconscious purging, following Hoseok's trigger with self-reflection and the collapse of negative perception. Jimin may have a harder time with this depending on whether Kook and Hoseok are in positions to help him through it.]

Jin

Higher Self: Play Guides: Here and Now Conscious Levels: Queen of Pentacles + Ten of Cups

[Extremely comfortable. Resting period following the integration, very similar to where Yoongi is meant to be right now in terms of the Higher Self being asked to or allowed to chill out and relax while everything settles. On all levels, things will be very smooth and “by the moment.” He’d be in a great position to help any of the others that were struggling at this time. Lol, he can help Jimin.]

Taehyung

Higher Self: Peace Guides: Come To The Edge Conscious Levels: The Tower

[This seems to be one of those “hands off the wheel” kind of moments in which Guides and the Higher Self will literally take a step back and allow the individual on their own to consciously break through some of their own blocks. Based on the presence of The Tower, I assume that’s exactly what will be happening here. With Come To The Edge, it’s literally like they’re setting him up for exposure therapy, but allowing him to have complete and total control over the situation. This could be an extension of his previous state, may be much more stressed out with it as his own reality that he built up, that house made of faces, is pretty much getting smashed down and he has to actually look people in the eye without anything to hide behind. That's very scary for him, but the presence of Peace is the cushion that he'll have just like everyone else.]

Kook

Higher Self: Visualization Guides: Treasure Island Conscious Levels: Two of Wands

[An “introduction” to rapid manifestation through independent pursuits. Coming into his own being after sticking to the paths that are laid by the other guys. Either planning or executing a solo project of some kind, trying to expand on it and grow it as much as possible. Wanting to see it expand past his expectations. Feeling more like an "adult" or feeling more separate from the others in a positive way. Some of those anchors that he has in Jimin and Taehyung may start to break away so that he isn't literally being dragged through everyone else's path, he can start pursuing his own. Depending on how this comes up, he could carry himself differently, maybe talk more in interviews. He'll really try to present that image of "independent adult."]

Energetic Influence By The Month

July 2019

Soul Level: Creativity Guided Influence: Observer Conscious or Physical Manifestation: Knight of Wands

[In line with what Namjoon and Yoongi are experiencing here in this time frame in terms of taking inspiration and starting to implement it more, act on it without any fear. The aspect of observation I think comes from the members that are not at that level yet, that frequency output will trigger another shift in them to help them keep progressing.]

August 2019

Soul Level: Angels and Masters Guided Influence: Regeneration Conscious of Physical Manifestation: The Chariot

[Collective integration most likely following that state of observation on the collective level between the seven of them. It causes them to align and shift together all at once, leading to a more rapid movement on the physical level. A lot of changes could occur around this time, or just a lot of hubbub, in general, surrounding them as a result of this.]

September 2019

Soul Level: Rebirth Guided Influence: Loyal Heart Conscious or Physical Manifestation: The Hanged Man

[that rapid movement gets halted through another shift internally, something that gets them all on the exact same or similar frequencies that are close enough to have them aligned at the soul. Depending on the person they could waver a bit, be a bit off physically or mentally, could be tired or seem to be not very clear or focused.]

October, November, December 2019

Overall Energy

Keter — The Crown — Spirituality Gevurah — Left Hand — Judgement Phanuel — Angel of Truth

[Air of finality, higher levels of consciousness and clarity. Ushering in a “new age” or a “new era” of things. Very open in terms of accepting inner and external guidance on all levels. Could potentially experience another timeline jump or have completed their jobs here in a sense, or at least what was meant to be done as a group.]

Individual Energetic Influences

Namjoon

Higher Self: Determination Guides: Unfinished Symphony Conscious Levels: Ace of Wands

[Being directed towards bringing something to completion, fulfilling his individual purpose. Separating from the group to return to his original ideas and plans.]

Yoongi

Higher Sefl: Universal Light Guides: Fork In The Road Conscious Levels: Two of Pentacles

[Being presented with the opportunity to fulfill personal life purpose or soul fulfillment. For Yoongi, especially on a soul level, it seems to be difficult for him to separate himself from the group as he feels like he can’t trust them to progress fully or stay on track on their own, so if he's still in that position where he's comfortable with where the others are at and they are in sync, he'll be in the same boat as Namjoon. He'll be in a position to relax or step towards his personal soul purpose and fulfillment, whatever that may be. He seems to have more choice with it than Namjoon, or less of a plan than Namjoon.]

Hoseok

Higher Self: Spiritual Awakening Guides: To Be Fair + Between Worlds Conscious Levels: Six of Cups

[Cuttting ties with past timelines as well as past lifetimes collectively, a final clearing out of lower frequencies. Very wavy energy. Could be doing the same as the others and disconnecting from their "contract" with their group soul purpose, especially if it is completed at this point in time. The To Be Fair and Between Worlds here really feels like this kind of "payout" for the physical and mental struggle and pain he endured through the process. Like, he'll have room to move through things independently as that receptibility will either loosen or become so open that it's not even noticeable to him anymore.]

Jimin

Higher Self: Inner Child Guides: Loyal Heart Conscious Levels: Wheel of Fortune

[Bringing forth the Inner Child, the soul’s passion and living through the soul after dismantling the internal blocks. A noticeable change, maybe noticeable confidence boost. Very free, not so timid. Louder even. There's a lot of comforts here, he may still want to stay connected to the group or connected to the group work, but there is a shift with how he connects to them consciously. It's a release of that co-dependence.]

Jin

Higher Self: Psychic Development Guides: Go The Distance Conscious Levels: Ace of Swords

[Just as with the rest of them he will be seeking out his personal life purpose and soul fulfillment. Very similar to Jimin in the sense that he will be more open, more self-serving, very confident with his decisions and movements. Very excited to see what he does around this time.]

Taehyung

Higher Self: Inner Strength Guides: Flexible Conscious Levels: The Hanged Man

[Still a bit behind but progressing. Being shoved in the right direction towards inner connection. Not afraid to see his own true self, but maybe still a bit hidden away when it comes to other people, especially the public. Being put in positions where he can slowly step out of his core and express through the soul like everyone else. This can come through solo ventures as well or separation from the group dynamic, sort of forcing him to be around more people in a vulnerable position.]

Kook

Higher Self: Life Purpose Guides: The Fates Conscious Levels: Ace of Cups

[Something quite big, something to do with what he was planning or setting out to do in the previous timeframe. Alignment and even direct fulfillment of his personal life purpose, which brings around a very high level of fulfillment on a conscious level. A real break out of his dependency on the other guys on a conscious and soul level. Very nice.]

Energetic Influence By the Month

October 2019

Soul Level: Universal Light Guided Influence: Happy, Happy Conscious or Physical Manifestation: The World

[Alignment with the self towards self-fulfillment, fulfillment of soul purpose on an individual level, opens the door for collective fulfillment. Incredibly bright times. The presence of The World as the physical manifestation suggests completion of the group soul purpose. There is finality, the bringing in of the "Universal Light," the Sun energy, the projected higher frequency.]

November 2019

Soul Level: Communication Guided Influence: Peace Conscious or Physical manifestation: The Fool

[Complete integration, expanded awareness, ascension at equal levels. The “new era.” The Fool card is the first in the deck, number 0, and it would follow the ending of a cycle with The World, the final major arcana. This shit really is like a new fucking era entirely omg.]

December 2019

Soul Level: Divine Wisdom Guided Influence: Higher Power Conscious or Physical Manifestation: The Sun

[...the fucking SUN bitch... the SUN. Collective integration on equal levels, projecting and manifesting on a conscious level. The Sun, living through the Heart, living through the Soul. Collective consciousness being tapped into. High Vibe. Incredibly beautiful energy. Something magical. Absolute completion of the group purpose, full integration, potentially shifting the collective to a higher timeline.]

That is all, thank you for reading! And have a happy New year! :)

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[bystandher]

 𝟸𝚡𝙾𝟹 - 𝟸𝚡𝙾𝟻   ⧹   𝙲𝙾𝙼𝙼𝙴𝙽𝚃𝙰𝚁𝚈.

still  with  no  idea  about  rue’s  near  death  on  new  year’s,  lexi  becomes  aware  rue  is  at  least  smoking  weed  ––  but  with  cassie ﹙ whose  moods,  after  their  fight  in  2x02,  lexi  is  back  to  trying  to  placate  /  navigate ﹚ quietly  spiraling  in  that  scene,  it  becomes  only  one  of  the  many  concerns  on  her  mind.   she  lets  herself  believe  that  that  could  be  all  there  is  to  it;  at  least,  if  she  doesn’t  dwell  on  it,  she  can  pretend  it  actually  might  be.   she  even  still  sends  rue  her  play  in  the  hopes  it  might  bond  them  together  again  after  all  this  time.

lexi’s  inner  ‘this  is  life’  is  a  way  for  her  to  process  the  world;  her  actual  play  is  the  way  she  means  to  open  up  to  others  about  that  process.   it’s  risky  and  vulnerable  to  put  her  emotions  and  observations  on  a  stage  for  the  school  to  see ﹙ or  at  least,  the  percentage  of  it  that  actually  goes  to  plays ﹚ but  with  how  detached  she’s  felt  from  her  friends  and  family,  it  seems  like  the  only  way  to  be  seen  and  heard.   a  drastic  way,  yes,  but  she  does  like  theatre  for  a  reason.   still,  having  long  functioned  as  an  audience  for  those  around  her,  being  watched  in  return  will  feel  unreal  to  her  until  the  play  is  finally  on  and  the  audience  interacts  with  it.

there’s  no  real  reason  for  lexi  to  have  changed  her  friends’  names  in  ‘this  is  life’  the  way  she  does  in  ‘our  life’;  but  in  her  mind,  it  absolves  her  of  some  guilt  about  re - imagining  her  loved  ones  to  her  own  ends,  while  also  further  removing  herself  from  any  troubling  realities.

in  the  months  since  cassie’s  ab*rtion,  lexi  has  noticed  time  and  again  how  depressed  her  sister  has  become.   she  tries  to  ask  after  the  classic  signs  and  symptoms  in  the  hopes  that  might  nudge  cassie  to  open  up  about  the  whole  of  it  herself;  she  even  dares  to  ask  her  about  their  dad  at  one  point,  wondering  if  that  might  lead  to  a  deeper,  more  enlightening  conversation.   maybe  cassie  will  even  comfort  her  like  she  used  to.   it  backfires,  as  do  all  her  questions  and  concerns.   she  declares  she’ll  stop  caring,  but  she  never  does;  in  fact,  she  only  looks  even  more  closely.

by  2x04,  lexi  has  at  least  cast  ethan  for  his  roles,  but  has  been  struggling  to  find  the  right  fit  for  hallie.   the  more  tumultuous  and  strained  hers  and  cassie’s  relationship  becomes,  the  harder  it  is  to  understand  her  sister  and,  by  extension,  just  how  hallie  should  be  portrayed.

at  maddy’s  birthday  party,  lexi  hangs  back  for  the  majority;  when  they  take  photos  on  the  stairs,  she  hides  behind  the  others,  likely  writing  scenes  for  her  script  and  possibly  texting  fezco,  and  when  they  move  to  the  hot  tub,  she  stays  inside.   in  her  observations  though,  it’s  clear  to  see  cassie  is  going  through  something  worse  than  she  thought  ––  but  she  has  no  idea  what.   she  tries  to  ask  after  the  swimsuit  reveal,  but  she’s  left  only  to  suspect.

the  final  shot  of  lexi  in  the  auditorium,  sitting  in  the  audience  but  looking  behind  her,  symbolizes  her  steady  transition  from  the  observer  she’s  long  been  ––  to  someone  finally  turning,  looking  back  at  the  observers  who’ll  be  sitting  in  the  same  seats.   she’s  not  yet  spotlighted  on  onstage,  but  she’s  halfway  there.

2x06  brings  rue’s  intervention  to  the  howard  house,  wherein  lexi  almost  believes  rue’s  just  got  a  cold  ––  until  suze  starts  asking  questions  and  rue  starts  shuffling  her  feet  in  pain,  and  then  lexi  begins  to  understand.   i  like  to  think  suze  was  trying  to  stall  in  case  leslie  was  following  close  behind  rue,  in  the  hopes  of  keeping  her  safely  there,  and  was  likely  the  one  who  called  her  over  by  the  time  rue  leaves  the  bathroom.

lexi  is  definitely  not  thrilled  with  cassie’s  bit  of  positivity,  but  seconds  before  rue  reveals  cassie  and  nate’s  relationship,  lexi  senses  the  shift  in  her  friend  and  dreads  the  retaliation  despite  that.   there’s  a  few  seconds  after  it  where  there  would  have  reasonably  been  room  for  deniability,  but  in  her  reaction,  shocked  as  she  is,  lexi  doesn’t  seem  surprised.   suddenly  the  behavior  adds  up;  all  her  suspicions  make  sense.

lexi  jumps  up  and  rushes  to  suze,  trying  to  extract  cassie  from  the  situation  one  last  time ﹙ cass,  do  you  wanna  go  on  a  walk ﹚ but  the  moment  cassie  throws  rue’s  addiction  out  in  an  attempt  to  invalidate  her  and  the  truth,  lexi  stops  trying  to  intervene.   she  thinks  of  the  times  cassie  stood  up  for  gus  despite  his  addiction  and  lexi’s  fear  of  him,  and  is  left  speechless  how  the  same  doesn’t  apply  to  rue.   she  might  chase  after  maddy  and  kat  and  cassie,  if  only  to  try  to  help  minimize  the  damage  alongside  her  mom  and  also  because  leslie  is  there  to  presumably  take  care  of  rue,  but  that’s  a  definite  turning  point  for  lexi  regarding  how  she  feels  about  her  sister  after  that.

[maximilliandelirium]

somebody out there hates you

a/n: hhhh i wrote this in a pre-nanowrimo mania. wanted to post to ao3 but it’s acting weird so i thought i’d throw it up on the blog for now. notice me senpai fills me with joy, so i was inspired to make *~art~* the setting is anime japan so nothing is accurate and the points don’t matter (pssst! support me on ko-fi!)

Summary: Suzuki joins an anti-cafe out of curiosity and begins to re-evaluate his relationship with Yamato. Suzuki/Yamato (Idol Senpai/Rocker Senpai)

              Suzuki didn’t go online that evening intending to join an anti-Suzuki fan café. He usually didn’t dwell on his haters at all. But tonight, curiosity got the better of him. He’d been trawling the net after a long practice when he stumbled across a link to the anti-site. (Suzuki liked to Google himself; so what?) When he followed it, he realized he couldn’t read any of the message boards without an account.

               That’s a good thing, I guess, he thought. He didn’t really want to see what people were saying about him. He decided to forget about it and do his homework instead.

               At least, that was what he tried to do. He kept thinking about it as he struggled over his assigned reading. What did they talk about? Did they make fun of his hair? His personality? Maybe they picked apart his lyrics. The longer he thought about it, the more he wanted to know.

               Suzuki tossed his book aside and re-opened his laptop. He hadn’t closed the browser window. The link was still there. Yamato was always telling him to consider his weaknesses so he could improve. This could be beneficial. If Suzuki tried understanding where these people were coming from, he might be able to win them over, or at least get better at what he did.

               It didn’t take much to make an account. He had to create a new email—he didn’t want his regular one linked to the site. After that, he spent half an hour trying to come up with a screen name. It was imperative that no one know who he really was. His usual handle—“SuzuStar”—would give him away like a shot. Suzuki was also disappointed to discover that “YamatoFan#1” was taken. Eventually, he settled on “notafan1234.”

               Never having been on an anti-site before, Suzuki wasn’t sure what to expect. He was surprised by how plain it was. The header image was just the name of the page in bright red letters, along with a picture of his face with a “no” sign superimposed on it. He scrolled through the list of threads.

               Break Suzuki’s new MV!

               New Anti-Suzuki Memes

               Worst Lyrics Poll (CLOSED)

               Suzuki kept scrolling, horrified and fascinated. He found a thread titled “Important question for Yamato fans—should he be friends w/ Suzuki?” He clicked on it. He jumped when he saw the selfie he and Yamato had taken at the school festival. The original poster had written a caption beneath it.

               Ugh. I don’t get why Yamato wastes his time with this guy. They don’t have anything in common.

               A user named MerryPip added, Lol same. Yamato actually has talent.

               Suzuki frowned.

               They probably just hang out because they go to the same school, someone else said. Yamato doesn’t want to be mean.

               Tbh, SuzuYama shippers make me sick.

               Yamato shouldn’t keep feeding them by hanging out with him.

               They only do it for fanservice. I bet it’s in their contracts.

               Suzuki hadn’t been planning on responding to anyone, but the last comment had sent him over the edge. They had no right to question his friendship with Yamato. They didn’t know anything about him. He typed, Maybe Yamato and Suzuki are friends because they get along and like to hang out.

               A response appeared in no time. As if, Lonelygrrl said. Suzuki is too much of a ditz to get along with Yamato. He totally cramps his style. Yamato is just humoring him because the fans like it.

               Blood rushed to Yamato’s face. His fingers flew to the keys. That’s not true! How do you know Yamato is just pretending? You don’t have any proof. You’re just making stuff up!

               The backlash was swift and immediate. A gallery of photos flooded the thread with red outlines drawn around Yamato’s eyes and mouth, along with whole paragraphs explaining why his smile was faked, or how he couldn’t stand to actually touch Suzuki.

               His hand is just hovering here, Lonelygrrl wrote. All their selfies are faked. Their managers get together and tell them where to go. Like playdates.

               Suzuki slammed the laptop closed. He sat back, fuming. When his head cooled, Suzuki reached for his phone. He wanted to ask Yamato about this. (Yamato was saved in his contacts as “Yama heart eyes emoji, guitar emoji.”)

               Did u know there’s a whole website that hates me? Suzuki texted.

               Yamato answered quickly: No, but I’m not surprised. There’s always haters. You find one?

               Yeah. I made an account.

               WTF why?

               I wanted to see what they were saying.

               Delete it. That’s a waste of time.

               A waste of time. That’s what the anti-fans had said Yamato was doing by being Suzuki’s friend. He wanted to tell Yamato about it. But it had made him nervous. What if they were right? What if Yamato was only pretending to be friends with him? They’d become closer through school performances. Was that the only reason Yamato continued to hang out with him?

               Suzuki texted back: Ur right. They’re just mean.

               Don’t let it get to you. Some people have to be negative for no reason.

               Suzuki put the phone aside. He wouldn’t go back on the site. He’d just forget about it. Yamato was his friend and that was that. It wouldn’t do him any good to second guess it. Suzuki opened the laptop one last time to close the browser. There were a few more replies.

               Jesus, when will trolls learn not to come in here? MerryPip complained. Do. Not. Feed. The. Trolls.

               I’m not a troll, Suzuki thought, closing the window. He would delete the account tomorrow. Right now, he needed to get back to work.

               The next morning was rough. Suzuki hadn’t realized how much time had passed last night while he’d been reading the message boards, and by the time he completed his homework, it was 2AM. He shuffled into class, yawning.

               “Late night?” Reiji asked as Suzuki walked past.

               “It took me two hours to finish the reading.”

               “Me, too!” Takeru said. “And when I finished, it felt like I didn’t understand it at all.” He looked over at Ren. “What did you think?”

               Ren lifted his head slightly. “Huh? I didn’t finish. I fell asleep halfway through.”

               “You’re kidding. We have a quiz on it today.”

               “I can probably get a good enough grade with what I know.”

               Suzuki spotted Yamato sitting on the windowsill. He had his guitar balanced in his lap and he was strumming it idly. The things Suzuki had read last night started to seep into his mind. He pushed them away. I’m not going to think about it.

               “Yama-kun!” Suzuki called.

               Yamato glanced up and smiled. It looked real. Relief washed over Suzuki as he walked over. Yamato continued plucking on the strings.

               “Hey,” he said. “You look beat. What’s up?”

               “I got distracted by the internet last night and did all my homework late.” Suzuki blushed. Yamato liked to tease him for being irresponsible sometimes. “But I did get it done!”

               “Oh yeah. That site you texted me about. I hope you didn’t talk to anyone.”

               Suzuki laughed nervously. “No. Why would I?”

               “They’re trying to get a rise out of people. Starting an argument is just what they want.”

               He laughed again, this time more forced.

               Yamato tilted his head to the side. “You okay?”

               “Yeah. It’s all good.” Suzuki waved a hand. “Let’s stop talking about it. Do you still want to go shopping today after class?”

               “Sure. Just remember to change before we go out. I don’t want to get chased by your crazy fans again.”

               “I wouldn’t forget,” Suzuki said. He winked and stuck his tongue out. “Are you sure you don’t like the exercise?”

               “I’m sure.”

               Yamato met him in front of the school after classes let out. No matter how many times they went out in public together, Yamato never stopped staring at Suzuki’s outfit. Suzuki didn’t understand why he rolled his eyes every time he saw it.

               “What’s the matter? This is what I always wear,” he said.

               “I know. That’s the problem. We’re getting you some new civilian clothes today.” Yamato grabbed the hem of Suzuki’s t-shirt and gave it a tug. “How many of these do you own?”

               “A few.”

               “You’re supposed to be in disguise. Why would you wear a shirt with your own face on it?”

               “Because,” Suzuki said, lifting his index finger, “no one would ever suspect I’d wear my own merchandise. This face distracts them from looking at mine.”

               “If you say so.” Yamato let go.

               They walked into town, then took the train to the best shopping district. Though Yamato and Suzuki bought their clothes at different stores, they agreed that this part of the city had the best shops. The only problem was that it was crowded. Just getting off the train was a nightmare. Suzuki almost lost his hat.

               “Is it just me or are there more people here today than usual?” he asked, squashing it back on his head.

               “I think you’re right. There must be a promotion going on.” Yamato stretched to see over the crowd. “That one you like isn’t as busy. Let’s go to that one first.”

               They pressed through the crowd. Suzuki bumped into a woman carrying a dozen bags and made her drop all of them. He spent a few minutes helping her pick them up while bowing and apologizing. She gave him a dirty look. He wondered if she would’ve been as mad if she knew who he was.

               Or could she be one of the anti-fans?

               Suzuki hadn’t thought about it before, but those names online had real people behind them. They could’ve been from his own school. It was scary to think about. There might be some in this crowd. Suzuki readjusted his mask and sunglasses, making sure his face was completely hidden.

               “Suzu—!” Yamato cut himself off as he came jogging over. They’d gotten separated. “I turned around and you weren’t behind me.”

               “Sorry. It’s hard to stick together in all this.”

               Yamato sighed and looked around. Then he grabbed Suzuki’s hand. “Come on,” he said. “We need to get you a new shirt.”

               The changing room was cold. Suzuki quickly pulled on one of the shirts he’d brought in. It was a purple galaxy print. There were three mirrors placed in the corner of the stall, giving him a rounded view. He was pretty satisfied with his appearance. Suzuki had often been told he had a good face. And his rigorous dance practices kept him in good shape. Yet…

               Earlier, while Yamato was going through leather jackets, Suzuki had pulled up the anti-café on his phone. He needed to know if they knew where he was. His fans tended to track his movements. His haters might do the same thing.

               Though there wasn’t anything about where he physically was, but there was a new thread: “Is Suzuki actually handsome? Yes/No?” He knew he shouldn’t read it. It didn’t matter what a handful of bitter people on the internet thought. But the urge was too strong.

               It’s supposed to be his major selling point, but I’m a girl and I think he’s kind of lame.

               His hair color looks so fake and not in a good way.

               Didn’t he gain weight recently? No one’s gonna stick around if he keeps putting on the pounds XD

               Imo he’s kind of short.

               I’m 178 centimeters! That’s above average! Suzuki was shorter than Yamato, but that didn’t mean he was tiny. He remembered what Yamato had said about not engaging them. He wanted to set them straight.

               The school festival selfie had reappeared. Suzuki had been proud of it at the time. His and Yamato’s costumes were perfectly coordinated, they’d posed in front of the best decorations in the classroom, and they’d gotten a perfect angle. This site didn’t seem to agree.

               Look at this lame-ass Star Sailor costume.

               I stg Suzuki drags Yamato into his weird interests all the time.

               is it supposed to be funny? Who are they trying to appeal to?

��              It had taken every ounce of Suzuki’s self-control not to go off on them. Star Sailor was one of his great loves. It was one of Yamato’s as well. That was the whole reason they had coordinated their cosplays.

               Unable to stomach any more, he had turned off the screen, gathered a few shirts and gone into the dressing room. He examined himself in the mirror. He still looked fine. Suzuki plucked a strand of hair. Was it too yellow?

               He took off the galaxy shirt and pinched his stomach. Suzuki wasn’t as muscular as boys like Makoto or Katsuo, but he had a lithe figure. Nothing seemed to have changed. Sometimes Suzuki’s manager warned him not to indulge his sweet tooth too much. Maybe he should start taking that message more to heart. He felt a pang of loss just considering skipping the cakes at the school’s café.

               Suzuki shook his head. He was letting the anti-site get to him.

               When he emerged from the dressing room, he spotted Yamato coming over, his arms weighed down with jackets and black jeans. He eyed Suzuki’s pile.

               “Did you find anything good?” he asked.

               “I like this one.” Suzuki pointed at the galaxy shirt. “What do you think?”

               Yamato shrugged. “You look good in everything.”

               “Aw, Yama-kun, you’re so sweet!” Suzuki said in an over-the-top cutesy voice. He shimmied his shoulders for extra effect.

               Yamato rolled his eyes and gave Suzuki a light smack on the arm. He disappeared behind the curtain. Suzuki put away the clothes he didn’t want while he waited. He wondered if Yamato had hate sites, too. It didn’t seem possible. Yamato was so handsome and talented; it was hard to imagine a bunch of people getting together just to make fun of him.

               Suzuki pulled out his phone again. He went through his pictures until he found another selfie he’d taken with Yamato. It was from the last time Yamato had hung out at his house. Suzuki hadn’t made it public. He didn’t know why. It was a good picture. There wasn’t anything scandalous or illegal in it.

               He supposed he hadn’t wanted to share it because it felt more personal than the others. They were both in sweatshirts and pajama pants, their faces lit up by the blue light from Suzuki’s TV. Suzuki was leaning heavily on Yamato, who was grinning at the camera. Suzuki was smiling fondly up at Yamato.

               If those jerks online could see this picture, they’d realize Yamato wasn’t faking his feelings of friendship. Suzuki couldn’t post it, though. This picture was just for him and Yamato, no one else. He sighed and closed the photo gallery.

               Yamato came out of the dressing room. “I’m ready if you are,” he said.

               “Are you buying anything?” Suzuki asked as he headed for the counter.

               Yamato shook his head. “I’m going to shop around a bit more. Do you want to get some bubble tea after the next stop?”

               “Only if we go to that one place next to the arcade.”

               “Okay, but you’re not dragging me into another DDR competition.”

               Suzuki put his arm around Yamato’s shoulders. “Come on, you’re not that bad. You almost beat me last time.”

               Yamato shook his head. He copied Suzuki’s gesture, linking them closer together. He gave Suzuki’s back a pat. “I’ll leave the dancing to the trained idol. Some other time. Now go, it’s your turn.” He nudged Suzuki forward.

               Suzuki reluctantly let go of Yamato. He brought his shirts to the girl working the cash register. She smiled at him.

               “You and your friend are cute,” she said as she rung him up.

               “Thanks! I try.”

               She giggled. “Have a nice day.”

               “Did you flirt your way to a discount?” Yamato asked.

               Suzuki’s eyes widened behind his sunglasses. “You can do that?”

               “No, idiot.” Yamato took Suzuki’s hand again. “Maybe you could, but I wouldn’t. I hope she didn’t recognize you.”

               “She didn’t. If she had, she would’ve asked for an autograph.”

               They could never get a seat by the windows, otherwise their combined fans would fill the restaurant. Suzuki was half thankful for the privacy it afforded them, but they had to sit in a dim corner where there wasn’t much space. One of Yamato’s legs rested against one of his own.

               “What kind did you get?” Suzuki asked.

               Yamato glanced up from his phone. “Honeydew. You wanna try it?”

               “Sure.” Suzuki took a sip from Yamato’s bubble tea. They had never worried about germs. The tea was perfectly sweet and mellow. He passed it back, a smile on his lips.

               “You know, that’s the first time you smiled this afternoon,” Yamato said. “It feels like you’ve been gloomy ever since we left school.”

               “Really?” He hadn’t noticed. “I guess I’m just tired. We’re already talking about the next comeback.”

               “They should let you have a break. I’ve been talking to my agency about a vacation.” Yamato lowered his phone and met Suzuki’s eyes. “We could go somewhere. Hawai’i maybe. I’ve always wanted to do a shark tour.”

               Suzuki shuddered. “That’s scary!”

               “They put you in a cage. It’s not dangerous.”

               “You can do that. I want to get a tan.”

               Yamato knocked his leg against Suzuki’s. “But you’d want to go? With me?”

               “Of course.”

               Yamato’s eyes lit up. He smiled. “Awesome. We can get it cleared with your manager. There’s a little while before our next break. We could go then if your team says it’s okay.”

               Hawai’I with Yamato. Suzuki imagined what it might be like. Sun, sand, and the ocean. Swimsuits. Sleeping in. Hawai’ian food. He sighed wistfully. Ever since he had first seen travel programs for it on TV, he’d always wanted to go. The best part might be going with Yamato. They could run around together as much as they wanted. They’d have their own hotel room.

               “Will you ask your manager about it?” Yamato said, pressing Suzuki’s leg again. He was chewing on the corner of his lip.

               “I will. I’ll text her now.” Suzuki fished his phone from his jacket pocket. He braced his leg against Yamato’s. He took comfort in the pressure. Yamato was strong. It felt good to lean on him.

               Some of the other guys invited them to karaoke after school that weekend. It was Hajime’s idea apparently, which meant he’d roped in Soujiro, who was bringing the twins, and so on and so on. Things usually turned out this way. If someone mentioned a party, everyone ended up unofficially invited. Ikemen wasn’t a small school, but word spread quickly, and the upperclassmen were all connected by a web of association.

               Suzuki didn’t remember who specifically asked him and Yamato if they wanted to tag along. It might’ve been Ai. Anyway, they showed up at the karaoke place after everyone else had already arrived thanks to an unexpected fangirl sighting.

               “You guys are late,” Tokiya said.

               “We just got chased halfway across the city,” Yamato said, tossing his jacket onto one of the couches. “Give us a break.”

               Suzuki removed his mask, sunglasses, and hat. He took stock of the group. Ai had brought Tokiya and Ryuu, but Kurou was nowhere to be seen, meaning there’d be a fight later. (Ryuu and Tokiya always fought.) Soujiro and the twins were there, wearing casual clothes for once. Yuu and Baa had shown up as well. Suzuki would never get over the goat head. Takeru was there, probably having heard about the outing through word of mouth.

               “Sorry, we ordered food without you,” he said.

               “It’s fine. We can get something later.”

               Suzuki settled in beside Yamato. He had asked his manager about the vacation. She hadn’t gotten back to him yet. He was starting to get nervous. Running from their fans earlier had only made Suzuki want it more. After this comeback. If the single does well, then I earned it. She can’t say no.

               The other third-years had already lined up a decent list of songs. They must have been feeling nostalgic, since most of the music was from the 80s and 90s. Takeru, being Takeru, shared some of his food with Yamato and Suzuki while Hajime launched into a heart-felt ballad at the top of his lungs.

               It was times like these that made Suzuki wish he wasn’t an idol. Being a senior in high school wasn’t easy, but there was so much more freedom. You definitely didn’t get hate comments. You could hang out with whoever you wanted. You didn’t get chased when you went outside. He could never just quit though. He loved music. He loved performing. But it was nice to just be with friends and not on a stage.

               Yamato nudged him with his elbow. “Are you going to sing?”

               “Obviously!” Suzuki hopped up. “I wonder if they have one of your songs on the machine.”

               “Ooh, do it!” Ai said.

               Yamato looked embarrassed. “Come on…”

               “What?” Suzuki scrolled through the song list. “Are you scared I’m gonna ruin it? I’ll let you cover one of mine?”

               “You should do a duet,” Hajime said. “Give us the collab everyone’s been waiting for!”

               Takeru nodded in agreement and Ai applauded. “Yeah!” he said. “Do that!”

               Yamato got up and walked over to the screen, picking up a microphone for himself. “Pick something we both know. One that’s in my range.”

               Suzuki kept scrolling. They had a couple of his songs, as well as a few of Yama’s, but none of them were duets. Then he spotted something. He let out a cry of excitement.

               “Yama! The Star Sailor duet! From the musical.” He grabbed Yamato’s upper arm and squeezed it insistently. “Remember? The part where Selena hears Damian join her from offstage, and then he comes down from the ceiling?” He shook Yamato’s arm for emphasis. “Let’s do this one. Please?”

               “Wait, you’ve seen the Star Sailor musical?” Ryuu asked with a smirk.

               Yamato blushed. “It’s good,” he muttered. To Suzuki, he said, “You really want to do this one? It’s kind of…”

               “I know all the words,” Suzuki said proudly. “I could sing it without looking at the screen.”

               Yamato still looked hesitant. An upsetting thought reared its ugly head. Suzuki remembered the discussion in the anti-café, about their Star Sailor cosplay. I stg Suzuki drags Yamato into his weird interests all the time. Suzuki’s heart sank. What if Yama really was only going along with it to humor him? Liking a sparkly and romantic mahou shojo wasn’t Yamato’s style. And he probably hadn’t wanted to broadcast any interest in it.

               “Um, we don’t have to,” Suzuki said. He reached out to scroll down the list again. “There’s probably another song we can both sing in here.”

               “No,” Yamato blurted, color still high in his cheeks. “I want to do this one.”

               “Are you sure?”

               Yamato nodded. “You can have Selena’s part. The notes are too high for me.”

               Relief washed over Suzuki. He might be humoring you again, a mean voice whispered in the back of his head. He tried to ignore it. As long as he got to sing with Yamato, he didn’t really care. He pressed play.

               They might have been in a random karaoke room, surrounded by classmates, but Suzuki poured his heart into the performance. He loved the Star Sailor musical. He thought it was hopelessly romantic. Especially the part where Damian appeared. Suzuki started the duet and Yamato jumped in after a few bars. His voice was perfect for the song. It was like he really was Damian.

               If Yamato had seemed uncomfortable before, he had shaken it off. He sang with confidence, turning to face Suzuki and holding out his hand. A thrill went through Suzuki as he took it. Yamato even twirled him under his arm. They could have been onstage. Suzuki had no trouble imagining Yamato in the top hat and mask (seeing as he’d worn the costume before). He also had no trouble seeing why Yamato’s fans left strings of hearts in the comments on his selfie posts.

               Suzuki was starting to feel lightheaded. It might’ve been because the room was hot, or all his breath was going into the duet, but at the same time, he knew that wasn’t the real reason. Yamato drew him in a step closer. They were reaching the end of the song.

               In the musical, Selena and Damian ended their duet by putting their foreheads together, eyes closed. Then, just before the stage lights dimmed, they would kiss. It was cheated, covered by strategic hand placement, but Suzuki squealed every time. Now, as his head came to rest against Yamato’s, he had a crazy idea.

               What if Yamato kissed him?

               Suzuki’s heart started to pound. Yamato’s face was so close to his. It would take just a tiny movement for their lips to touch. Even though the actors usually closed their eyes, Yamato was looking straight at him, and Suzuki couldn’t tear his gaze away. He’d forgotten everyone in the room. They might as well have been alone.

               Then, the last note of the song faded. Yamato stepped back. Suzuki released a breath he hadn’t realized he’d been holding. Yamato’s hand was still in his. Suzuki was shaking. All around them, the other third-years applauded. Someone whistled.

               Suzuki came back to himself just in time. He raised his and Yama’s hands between them and swept into a low bow. “Thank you, thank you,” he said. “We’ll be here all week.”

               “You guys were great!” Tokiya said. “It was just like seeing the actual musical. Right, Ryuu?”

               Ryuu shrugged. “Don’t ask me. I’ve never watched Star Sailor live.”

               “Oh really? Then what was that about telling Kurou how much you liked the actress that played Queen Pyrite?”

               Ryuu’s mouth opened and shut indignantly. He turned away to hide the blush that had spread across his face. “Shut up, Tokiya.”

               Yamato insisted on walking Suzuki home. None of their fans appeared, so it was an uneventful journey, but Suzuki’s heart hadn’t stopped racing. Yamato was at his side, keeping pace and chatting about his plans for a new song. Suzuki only half-registered the words he was saying. The rest of his mind was occupied with the ups and downs of his voice, his smile, the way the streetlights made his hair glow.

               Suzuki remembered how Yamato had held his hand earlier and while they were shopping and wished Yamato would do it again. It had felt nice. He was tempted to bridge the distance between them, to reach out and mesh their fingers. Suzuki put his hands in his pockets instead.

               Could friends hold hands whenever? He didn’t think there was anything weird about it, but most of the people he saw holding hands were couples. He could ask Yamato, but that seemed awkward. Why was he even getting the urge to hold hands in the first place?

               “Suzuki?” Yamato had somehow ended up behind him. His brow was furrowed in concern. “Isn’t this your place?”

               Suzuki looked back. He’d kept walking past his house. “Oh,” he said, grinning sheepishly. “Sorry, I was distracted. Thinking about stuff.” He jogged back.

               “You’re such an airhead,” Yamato said warmly. He ground his knuckles against the sides of Suzuki’s head, not hard enough to hurt. “What would you do without me?”

               Suzuki laughed, swatting Yamato’s hands away. “Mean! That’s it, we’re rivals now.”

               Yamato smirked. “I couldn’t be your rival. I’d crush you, and I don’t have the heart to do that. It’d be like kicking a puppy.”

               “Woof!” Suzuki’s chest grew arm as Yamato burst into a fit of giggles.

               Yamato took off his cap and mussed his hair. “Go on, your mom’s probably worried you got kidnapped by a crazy fan.”

               “Text me when you get home,” Suzuki said.

               “Will do. See you at school.”

               Suzuki watched Yamato go until he vanished around a street corner.

               Yamato texted him about twenty minutes later to let him know he’d arrived home safely. Suzuki tried to do his homework, but his thoughts were a jumble. He couldn’t concentrate. After an hour of struggling, he took a bath and changed for bed. If he couldn’t do his homework, he’d go to sleep now and wake up early to finish. And yet…

               Suzuki lay on his back, staring at the ceiling. What had happened tonight was different from how things usually went between him and Yamato. He remembered the light, fluttery feeling in his chest when Yamato had held his hand, and how it had doubled when their foreheads were together. He remembered looking into Yamato’s eyes as they’d sung the Star Sailor duet at the karaoke place.

               Friends didn’t react that way. Suzuki knew that. A friend didn’t set your heart racing just by touching you. They didn’t spawn butterflies in your stomach. Suzuki was starting to tremble just thinking about it. Heat burned up his neck to his ears.

               If he was being honest with himself, he had imagined kissing Yamato before. It was impossible not to. There was a whole legion of fans who thought they should be a couple. Suzuki had never missed an opportunity to please them. He thought it was actually rather sweet. Yamato had laughed at first, but in general had approached the whole thing with good humor. With that sort of thing going on, it was hard not to imagine what it might be like if they actually were together.

               Yamato seemed like he’d be a good kisser. He’d probably kissed lots of girls. Had he ever kissed another boy before? Probably not. Suzuki touched his lips. He had faked kisses with girls for MVs, but had never done it seriously. Yamato might laugh at his inexperience.

               But he might also smile as he kissed him. He might hold Suzuki to him in a firm embrace, stroking his hair. He might also push Suzuki against a wall and kiss him fiercely, channeling the energy of his music into Suzuki until they were both breathless.

               Suzuki opened his eyes. He hadn’t realized he’d closed them. He took a deep breath in, then let it out. His imagination usually didn’t go that far. Suzuki felt a little uncomfortable. It was probably wrong for him to think of Yamato like that, but now that he’d started he couldn’t stop.

               He pictured being able to hold hands with Yamato all the time, not just in a crowd, kisses before class, cuddling with each other while they watched movies… His heart surged. The thought of being with Yamato as more than a friend had made him so happy he couldn’t want anything else.

               Suzuki wasn’t stupid. Maybe somewhat naive at times, but not stupid. He knew what he was experiencing. He loved Yamato. He had been loving Yamato for a long time now. Why shouldn’t he? Yamato was so artistic and brilliant and kind. It was just now occurring to him that his feelings ran over the edges of platonic affection into something else.

               At the same time, Suzuki knew he couldn’t tell him. Yamato couldn’t possibly return his feelings. Even if he did, they couldn’t date without it being plastered over every magazine cover and celebrity news website. He thought of the message boards on the anti-Suzuki site. Those people would riot if Suzuki even hinted at the idea of loving Yamato. They might even go so far as to threaten him. And, worst of all, what if they were right? What if Yamato was only his friend because he had to be?

               Suzuki didn’t want to believe it. He refused to. But the seeds of doubt had been sown. If he confessed to Yamato, and what those people online said was true, then he’d just humiliate himself. They’d never be able to hang out again. Suzuki feared that the most. He’d rather hold these feelings inside rather than run the risk of losing Yamato’s friendship.

               He rolled over and buried his face in his pillow. If he stayed like this long enough, maybe he would smother himself and never have to think of it again. He lifted his head eventually. It got too uncomfortable.

               “I’ll just keep going like everything’s the same,” Suzuki said out loud. “He’ll never find out and we’ll keep being friends. I won’t have to give him up.”

               Still, the resolution filled him with pain. He would never have that relationship with Yamato. It wasn’t going to be easy. Yamato would only have to touch him to send ripples of longing through Suzuki. He would have to train himself not to react, not to reciprocate where it wasn’t wanted.

               He got up and found his MP3 player in his backpack. He put his earbuds in. Suzuki had every single album Yamato had released. He started with the first one, for nostalgia’s sake. As he listened, he imagined Yamato was singing just for him.

               Pretending everything was normal was a lot harder than Suzuki realized. Yamato was everywhere. They were in class together all day, ate together during lunch, and even hung out after school. Suzuki didn’t want to stop hanging out with him; that would just make Yamato suspicious. But it was getting more and more difficult to focus on history and science when they studied together.

               They were at Yamato’s apartment that afternoon. Yamato lived alone, which Suzuki used to think was a good thing, since there was no one to bother them if they decided to stay up all night watching anime. Now, he desperately wished there was someone to ward away his thoughts of kissing Yamato.

               Yamato ran his fingers through his hair. He looked frustrated. “I’m not getting it,” he said. “What about you?”

               Suzuki shook his head. He hadn’t even been trying. The whole study session was turning out to be counterproductive. How do people with crushes survive?

               “Do you want to take a break and play Mario Kart?”

               Suzuki shoved his notebook aside. “Absolutely.”

               Hopefully, a game would keep his mind off of contemplating the feel of Yamato’s lips against his. He settled into Yamato’s couch, controller in hand. They weren’t competitive with each other in any area except Mario Kart. Soon, he’d want to strangle Yamato instead of make-out with him.

               The plan worked, for a little while. Suzuki got swept up in the races, he and Yamato resorting to cheating by bumping into each other in real life and trying to wrestle the controllers out of each other’s hands. It was just like how things had been before. Suzuki relaxed.

               However, things took a turn when Yamato hit him with a shell, right before Suzuki was about to win Rainbow Road. Bowser dashed across the finish line while Princess Peach was still spinning out. Suzuki threw down his controller and started pummeling Yamato lightly with his fists.

               “I hate you! I hate you, I hate you, I hate you!”

               “I’m just playing the game,” Yamato laughed.

               “That was my win, you cheater!”

               “Shells are a part of the game. You hit me with a blue shell a couple tracks ago. How is this any different?” Yamato grabbed Suzuki’s wrists. “You still got second place.”

               “I should’ve been first,” Suzuki said. “I did the shortcut and everything.” He struggled against Yamato’s hold. “Let me go. I’m not done beating you up.”

               Yamato pushed him backwards, pinning him to the couch. He hovered over Suzuki. “Oh yeah? I’d like to see you try. When you were hitting me, it felt like being stung by a mosquito.”

               Suzuki went red. He tried to break free, but Yamato was strong. He went redder as he became more aware of their position. What was this, a scene out of a shojo manga?

               “Okay, okay,” he said hastily. “You win. Fair and square. Can you get off me?”

               Yamato let go. He leaned back. Suzuki lay there for a second longer, trying to catch his breath. Had he actually been wanting Yamato to kiss him like that? To just lean down and…

               Suzuki shook his head. He had to get out of here before he did something stupid. He sat up. “Um, I should probably head home. I promised Mom I’d eat dinner with her tonight. She says she barely gets to see me.”

               “Oh.” Yamato sounded disappointed. “It’s still early.”

               Suzuki coughed. “Yeah. I said I’d help her cook, too.”

               “Alright. I’ll walk you.” Yamato started to get up.

               “Ah, no thanks!” Suzuki squeaked. He winced at the sound of his own voice. What was wrong with him? “I can make it on my own. I have my disguise and everything.”

               “Are you sure?”

               Suzuki nodded. He gathered his notebook and school things as quickly as possible. “I’ll see you at school tomorrow! Good luck on the physics homework.”

               Yamato followed him to the door. “Text me when you get home?”

               “Sure!” Suzuki chirped (too brightly, he realized). Then, before he could embarrass himself any further, he rushed out the door.

               Suzuki made good on his word to help his mother make dinner. She’d been surprised to see him home so early, but glad to spend time with him as well. Suzuki’s schedule was so hectic that they rarely ate dinner together, let alone cooked together. He wasn’t as good as Souma in the kitchen, but he managed.

               A part of him wanted to tell her about Yamato. He had a good opportunity to when she asked how he was doing. In the end, he said Yamato was doing fine and left it at that. He didn’t want to bother his mom with that kind of thing. (Truth be told, he was embarrassed to mention having a crush in the first place.)

               After dinner, he holed himself up in his room. Suzuki knew it was the last thing he needed right now, but he logged back onto the anti-café. No one had banned him yet. Suzuki hadn’t commented since that first time, so they’d probably forgotten he was there.

               It was full of the usual hatred and vitriol. Suzuki picked a thread railing against his and Yamato’s relationship. He scrolled through it for a while, his heart sinking lower and lower until it reached the Earth’s core. They despised the idea of him and Yamato together, whether they were friends or dating.

               It can never happen, Suzuki thought. His fans might turn on him.

               Suzuki finally closed the thread. Then, because he had no one else to turn to, he texted Jae. Jae was currently in South Korea, visiting family and the other members of his group. Suzuki hoped he wasn’t too busy.

               Hey sunbae, Suzuki wrote, do you ever get hate comments?

               It didn’t take long for Jae to text back. oh totally. happens all the time.

               How do you deal with them?

               i try to ignore it. block out the haters

               It was good advice. A no-brainer, honestly, if only Suzuki could follow it. have you ever found a whole site that hates you? an anti café?

               man don’t tell me you have one of those. you’re a ray of sunshine! how could anyone make a whole anti-café devoted to you?

               Idk either. It’s really been getting me down. What should I do?

               Jae spent a long time typing. Suzuki watched the little ellipses dance while he waited. Eventually, Jae wrote back, you can always block the site or their comments. it’s nothing to be ashamed of. you don’t owe them anything tbh. if they’re not actually sending you constructive criticism, if all they’re doing is trying to tear you down, then kick ‘em to the curb ㅋㅋㅋ seriously tho, don’t read that stuff. it breaks my heart that anyone could be so mean to my hoobae

               T^T you’re the best jae-sunbae, Suzuki replied.

               i try 😉 is there anything else i can help with?

               Suzuki hesitated. He could trust Jae with anything. But could he trust him with this? Maybe if he was vague, Jae wouldn’t realize who Suzuki was talking about. He took a deep breath and wrote, yeah. Have you ever had a crush on someone who’s like, your friend?

               are we talking about yama?

               Suzuki nearly dropped his phone. He typed a response with trembling fingers. Haha nooooooo where did you get that idea? I’m talking hypothetically.

               sure, ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°), Jae replied. so in this hypothetical situation, is the crusher a j-idol and the crushee a rockstar?

               (^◇^；) no…

               suzuki literally everyone on the planet thinks you guys are dating. even my mom thinks so.

               Suzuki huffed. That doesn’t make it true! he typed. Answer my question: did you ever have a crush on a friend, yes/no?

               Again, it took a while for Jae to reply. yep! didn’t work out but hey! it was someone else in the music scene. you know how it is. not that you should get discouraged! you and yamato would be super cute together.

               Suzuki blushed. He thought for a while about what he should say. He typed out, do you really think so? what if a lot of people got mad?

               you shouldn’t care about what other people think. it’s your personal life.

               What if, hypothetically, it’s just one-sided and I ruin our whole friendship?

               i doubt it would ruin your friendship, Jae wrote. i’m 99.9% sure yama likes you. have you seen how he looks in your selfies? heart eyes <3

               Suzuki’s blush deepened. No way. Jae was just trying to make him feel better. Then again, the duet in the karaoke room gave him a sliver of hope. But that was a performance. They were acting like Damian and Selena.

               What about the other 1%? Suzuki wrote.

               you doubt my judgment?? look, even if he doesn’t feel that way about you, your friendship won’t tank just because of a little crush. not if it’s real and i think it is.

               Okay. Thanks again, sunbae <3 I’ll let you get back to whatever you were doing.

               anytime! it’s good to be home, but i miss everyone over there TT take care of yourself!

               Suzuki locked his phone screen and lay down. Talking to Jae had helped, but he still couldn’t bring himself to confess to Yamato. He didn’t understand how Jae could be so confident when his own crush hadn’t worked out. He knew just as well as Suzuki how hard it was for idols to date normally.

               Even if Yamato liked me back, I’d get flayed alive. Probably by my manager, too. His manager still hadn’t given him the green light on the vacation. Suzuki was starting to think that was her way of saying no. It might be better if he didn’t go. Hawai’i was a romantic place, right? What if Suzuki got carried away and blurted his feelings? It would defeat the purpose of a relaxing getaway.

               I should tell Yamato I can’t come with. Suzuki would do it tomorrow, at school. He’d rip the band-aid off, so to speak, and get it over with. Hopefully Yamato wouldn’t be too disappointed.

               Suzuki didn’t get a chance to tell Yamato the next day, because Yamato was suddenly super busy. He was on the phone with someone before class started, and he spent every break scribbling in his notebook. He disappeared during lunch before Suzuki could even ask if they were going to eat together. It wasn’t that strange, really. 3-A was full of students with irregular schedules. For example, Takahiro had taken off for some part-time job earlier.

               However, Yamato wasn’t there the next day either, so Suzuki couldn’t tell him then, either. And then Suzuki had to skip a day to spend it in a recording studio. He considered texting Yamato about it, but he would rather tell him in person. It seemed a bit too important not to discuss face-to-face.

               Suzuki finally got a chance when he and Yamato both arrived late in the school day. He guessed Yamato must have been recording something as well. He was dressed down from his usual leather jacket and had left out a few piercings. He only did that when he had an early morning session.

               “Are you free to walk home today, Yama?” Suzuki asked as they jogged up the stairs to 3-A. “There’s something I need to talk to you about.”

               “Today’s no good.”

               “What about tomorrow morning?”

               Yamato shook his head. “Busy. Sorry.”

               Suzuki paused. “What’s going on? Are you prepping a new release?”

               Yamato didn’t answer. He just kept going. Suzuki stared at his retreating back. What was the big secret? Yamato usually shared any and all details about his projects. He’d been talking about a new song after karaoke. Were the two related, or was this another thing altogether?

               What if I made him uncomfortable? Suzuki thought, gripped by terror. Or what if Jae was trying to be helpful and told him I have a crush on him? He knew he was jumping to conclusions. Yamato was busy; that was all. Even so, he felt nervous. Why hadn’t Yamato answered him?

               Suzuki investigated Yamato’s fansites. He wasn’t making special appearances anywhere. There were no concert announcements. Not even a rumor of an album release. So what was he doing? He hadn’t walked home with Suzuki or asked him over for a while. They didn’t even have lunch together anymore.

               A sick, heavy dread settled in Suzuki’s stomach as he logged onto the anti-café. It got worse. The café was overjoyed.

               No suzuyama sightings lately! He finally dropped him!

               Heard rumors from school that they’re split up.

               Maybe S*zuki will take a hint and stop clinging to Yamato like a puppy

               It’d be like kicking a puppy. Suzuki’s mouth went dry. He tossed his phone into his backpack. Did Yamato really see him as a dog, stupidly following him everywhere? He’d played along with the joke that time, but now it stung.

               “Romantic troubles?”

               Suzuki jumped a foot. Ai was standing right behind him, his quiver slung across his back. He didn’t wait for an invitation to take the empty seat next to Suzuki. Suzuki had thought he’d been alone in this courtyard, but Ai must have had a tracking device implanted in every boy in school.

               “I’m not having romantic troubles,” Suzuki lied.

               Ai smiled skeptically. “It’s about Yamato, isn’t it?”

               Am I really that obvious? Suzuki’s shoulders sagged. “Not you, too.”

               “What, is it a secret? Even that nice girl at the café knows.”

               Suzuki put his face in his hands. If everyone knew then how could Yamato not? He’s avoiding me, since he realized I’m bad for his image.

               Ai patted his knee. “Cheer up! You could do a lot worse than Yamato.”

               “Not if he hates me!”

               “Why do you think he hates you?”

               “He’s been avoiding me,” Suzuki said. “At first, I thought he was working on something, but he wouldn’t tell me anything about it. And don’t say he’s throwing me a surprise party. My birthday isn’t coming up.”

               “Hmm, that’s tricky.” Ai rubbed his chin. “He usually shares all his projects with you, right? Maybe he’s seeing someone else?”

               Suzuki went cold. He hadn’t considered that possibility. Had Yamato started dating and not told him? No, that couldn’t be. Someone would’ve snapped a picture or started a rumor by now, and the fansites were quiet.

               “No.” He shook his head. “He would’ve told me for sure.”

               Ai shrugged. “Then he’s probably busy. You shouldn’t get too worked up, Suzuki. Guys like him sometimes have trouble communicating their feelings. He might be focusing so hard that he hasn’t had time to tell you about it. Kurou does the same thing. He gets tunnel-vision when he’s working on a play.”

               It made Suzuki feel a little better, but it didn’t inspire confidence. He couldn’t shake the feeling that Yamato was purposefully ducking him.

               “Anyway, I’m meeting Sousuke for an archery showdown,” Ai said, standing up. “He’s going to regret challenging me. Are you going to be okay?”

               Suzuki nodded. “Thanks for the advice, Ai. Good luck.”

               Ai shot him a thumbs-up before he left. Suzuki remained where he was. He didn’t know how long he sat in the courtyard, staring at the flowerbeds. His phone buzzed, snapping him out of it.

               It was Yamato. Suzuki had been expecting his manager. His heart thumped rapidly. He opened the message. Hey Suzuki, can you come to the music room?

               He was torn. Should he go? Yamato had asked him, but what if it was just to say that they shouldn’t hang out anymore. Or worse, that he didn’t return Suzuki’s feelings, which were apparently so obvious that they could be seen from space? Eventually, Suzuki gathered his courage and went to the music room.

               School had finished for the day, so the music room was deserted, except for Yamato and Suzuki. It was quiet. All the clubs were meeting on the other side of Ikemen. Yamato was leaning against the piano, fiddling something. When Suzuki got closer, he realized it was his MP3 player.

               “Hey,” Yamato said. He sounded nervous. “Sorry for ghosting you. I was working on an important project.”

               A bit of relief crept into Suzuki’s veins. “Really? Why didn’t you just say so?”

               Yamato blushed. “Well, uh, it was kind of a surprise. I didn’t know whether it would work out. I, um… here.” He held out the MP3 player. “Listen.”

               Suzuki took it. He put an earbud in. There was only one track on the device, untitled. He hit play. A second later, the sound of Yamato’s voice filled his ears. Yamato’s singing voice was wonderful and familiar, but the backing track didn’t sound like his style at all. It sounded more like Suzuki’s music than his, though there was a hint of Yamato there, too. The more Suzuki listened, the more it grew on him. The lyrics were about stars burning bright for centuries, their light stretching across galaxies long after their death, and gazing at the same sky as someone you loved. A lump formed in his throat.

               “What do you think?” Yamato asked when Suzuki finished.

               “Amazing, like always,” Suzuki said. “Is this going to be on your next album?”

               “Actually…” Yamato scuffed the floor. “I was thinking it could be on yours. I wrote it for you to sing, if you want it. I figured it was the least I could do, after you made me that mixtape for my birthday.”

               Suzuki couldn’t believe it. Yamato had written him a song. Not just one to listen to, but one to sing. The lump in his throat got bigger. “W-what’s the occasion?” he asked, his voice trembling.

               “No reason. I just wanted to do something special, I guess. Do you like it?”

               Suzuki nodded vigorously. He couldn’t speak. Before he could stop himself, tears began to flow down his cheeks. I’m so dumb. I thought he was ditching me this whole time, and he was working on a song. For me. He covered his face, but it didn’t stop the noise from escaping. It was like a dam had burst; all of Suzuki’s feelings rushed out in one go.

               “What are you crying for?” Yamato asked, gently removing Suzuki’s hands from his face.

               Suzuki hiccupped. He was so embarrassed. He hadn’t meant to cry. “I…” he tried to say. “I was afraid you were tired of me.”

               Yamato sighed. “I’m not tired of you, Suzu. Have you been paying attention to what those losers online are saying? I told you they’re full of it. Come here.”

               He folded Suzuki into his arms. Suzuki let out another involuntary sob. He buried his face in Yamato’s shoulder. It was sturdy and strong. His t-shirt was soft. Yamato alternated between patting his back and rubbing circles.

               Eventually, Suzuki cried himself out. He stepped back. Yamato let him go, but he kept his hands on Suzuki’s arms. He was looking at him with concern.

               “Are you okay?”

               Suzuki nodded and sniffed. “I’ll be fine. I didn’t want it to get to me, but I guess…”

               “They’re just bitter and pathetic people who have nothing better to do with their time.” Yamato gathered Suzuki’s hands and held them against his chest. “They’re not real. This is. And any fan of mine who talks that way about you isn’t a real fan. If they can’t love you as much as I do, then that’s their problem.”

               Suzuki blinked. He wanted to wipe away a few stray tears, but he didn’t want Yamato to let go of him. “You love me?” he asked, half-stunned.

               The realization seemed to come over Yamato at the exact same moment. A blush covered his cheeks. “Did I say that?”

               “You did.”

               “Well… I mean, of course I do. You’re my best friend.” To Suzuki’s dismay, Yamato dropped his hands. He ran his fingers through his hair, disturbing the spikes. “I thought you already knew that.”

               “I do now.” Suzuki smiled, trying to mask his disappointment. I shouldn’t be disappointed at all. Yamato’s friendship is super important to me, too. “I love you, too.”

               Yamato blushed deeper. “Alright, alright. Let’s not get carried away.”

               Suzuki laughed. This was good. He knew now that Yamato wasn’t going to abandon him. They were still friends. They could continue performing together at school. It would be fun. At least I had a chance to say it to him out loud, even if he doesn’t know how much I really mean it.

               Suzuki blocked the anti-café. He had to stop using it to punish himself. Besides, he couldn’t forgive them for leading him to believe Yamato didn’t care about him. He made sure to delete his account too, just in case the urge overpowered him, and he lifted the block.

               It’s been fun, he thought. He instantly felt better. Things returned to normal. Suzuki approached his manager with Yamato’s song. He leaned heavily on the idea of marketing it as a collaboration and watched as the yen signs appeared in her eyes. After that, she shocked him by giving him permission to go to Hawai’i.

               “If the song does well, we’ll find time for a vacation,” she promised. “I couldn’t answer you before, since there was a lot up in the air, but you deserve some time off.”

               “And I can go with Yamato?”

               “If your schedules line up, I don’t see why not.”

               The next morning, he told Yamato by throwing himself into his arms and shouting, “We’re going to Hawai’i!”

               “Your manager said yes?” Yamato said, brightening.

               Suzuki nodded. “She said that if the collab works out, then I can go with you. As long as we’re free at the same time. Hawai’i, Yama! Hawai’i!”

               Yamato actually swung him around the classroom but stopped short when their homeroom teacher gave them a death-glare. Suzuki let go and jumped back.

               “Oops. Sorry, sensei.”

               “You’d better concentrate on passing your exams before talking about Hawai’i,” the teacher warned. “And don’t do that again. You could’ve knocked over the desks.”

               It didn’t bring Suzuki’s mood down at all. He was walking on air. Later, when his and Yama’s managers called about some kind of music industry party, he agreed to go without hesitation. Yamato was a little more reluctant, but he caved when Suzuki said they could go together.

               All in all, life was good. Suzuki still wanted to kiss Yamato. He still wanted to hug him as tightly as possible and tell him how he felt, but he couldn’t bear to mess everything up. Why sabotage a good thing? Yamato clearly only thought of him as a friend.

               And that was fine. Everything was fine.

               Suzuki enjoyed getting dressed up for public appearances. Yamato didn’t. He always looked uncomfortable in suits. Uncomfortable, yet handsome. Suzuki’s heart felt like it was going to leap out of his chest.

               “I hate ties,” Yamato muttered, playing with the end of his.

               “Then don’t wear one,” Suzuki said. He stepped forward and undid the knot. “It’s a formal party, but no one will care. See, I think you look just fine without it. Undo a couple buttons, and voila! Rock superstar Yamato is red carpet ready!”

               Suzuki might have been mistaken, but Yamato appeared flustered. He turned towards the limousine their managers had arranged to drive them to the event and held open the door for Suzuki.

               “After you,” he said.

               It was after sunset and traffic was bad. Suzuki checked the time. Unless they learned how to teleport, they were going to be late. Oh well, in that case they’d make an even more striking entrance. Suzuki stretched out, putting his feet up on the seat. They were barely moving.

               Yamato, meanwhile, was reading something on his phone. Suzuki didn’t know what it was, but it appeared to be irritating him. He kept frowning. Finally,          Yamato tossed the phone into the corner and folded his arms. He huffed, a deep furrow forming between his eyebrows. Suzuki was torn between laughing at his grumpiness and wanting to comfort him.

               “What’s up, Yama-kun?” Suzuki asked.

               “Oh, it’s…” He stopped, turning pink. “It’s stupid.”

               “You did something stupid?” Suzuki knew he sounded a bit too eager, but he couldn’t help it. He was dying to know.

               Yamato rolled his eyes. “Yes, actually.”

               “Are you going to tell me about it or am I going to have to tickle you for information?” Suzuki wiggled his fingers to demonstrate.

               “Don’t!” Yamato pulled his legs up onto the seat, as if to shield himself from Suzuki’s attack. “Jesus, Suzuki we’re in public.”

               “No, we’re not. The windows are tinted and the partition’s up. Now tell me what made you so mad.”

               Yamato relaxed. He retrieved his phone—which was undamaged—and passed it to Suzuki. Suzuki’s eyes widened. He couldn’t believe what he was seeing: an anti-Yamato fansite. For a few seconds, he just stared at it. Then he began to actually process the words he was looking at.

               Yamato’s style totally clashes with Suzuki’s. Don’t know why they’re friends.

               Do u remember when he was talking about how “””fake””” Zuzu is? He said in a press conference that ur not a real artist if u don’t write and produce ur own songs. What a snob. Did he ever apologize for that?

               Suzuki laughed out loud. He glanced at Yamato. “They have a point. Did you ever apologize to me?”

               “It’s not funny.”

               “It is!” Suzuki kept scrolling. “This whole time you were telling me not to pay attention to the haters and you didn’t even follow your own advice. Aww, Yama, don’t feel bad. Wait a minute.”

               There was a new reply to one of the comments by a user named, “st4rpower826.”

               Do you guys ever get tired of talking trash behind the safety of your computer screens? Why don’t you say this stuff to Suzuki’s face and see how he takes it. Last I heard, he and Yamato were still really close. He doesn’t get mad until you insult his friends. If you actually cared about him, you wouldn’t do this.

               It had a bunch of negative replies. Suzuki looked at Yamato again. Yamato was chewing on his lip.

               “Is this you?” Suzuki asked, pointing at the screen.

               “That could be anyone.”

               “It’s you! You made an account!” Suzuki grabbed Yamato’s shoulder and shook it. He was laughing uncontrollably now. “You made an account so you could fight with them! Oh my God. That’s my birthday in your username!”

               Yamato’s ears were growing steadily redder. “You have to make an account to read the message boards,” he muttered. “You know that. Someone was going to come along and tell them off eventually. Might as well be me.”

               “How did you get that username? That’s, like, a prime fandom username. When I went on the anti-Suzuki boards, YamaFan#1 was taken.”

               “No one else spelled with a four for the A.”

               Suzuki was still giggling. He continued scrolling. “How long did you have this?”

               “I went searching for one about me the same night you went on yours. I was curious.” Yamato smiled sheepishly. “I could take all the garbage they spewed about me but when they started throwing you into the mix, I got really upset. So I fought back. Didn’t do much good though.”

               “These people say we’re so different, but we actually have lots in common, huh?”

               “Yeah…”

               “Oh, here’s a familiar one: ‘Suzuki is friends with Yamato for fanservice. Yamato wouldn’t be as popular if people didn’t think he was gay for Suzuki.’ People were saying the same stuff on my anti-site.”

               Yamato’s blush had spread down his neck. “They’re crazy.”

               “I know.” Suzuki turned the screen off. “You shouldn’t get into fights with people online, even if they are being jerks. We know the truth.”

               Yamato nodded. He rubbed the back of his neck. “You know, it was really stupid, but I started to get scared that they might be right. Just for a second. Seeing all that old stuff I said made me wonder if you were still angry with me, and you were pretending not to hate me for the sake of getting along.”

               “I don’t hate you, Yama.” Suzuki kneaded Yamato’s shoulder. “I’ve always thought you were cool, even when you were criticizing me. I could never hate you. Do you wanna know why?”

               “Sure,” Yamato said, his lips quirking into a smile.

               Suzuki kissed him. His heart was pounding a mile a minute, but he had never felt more sure of anything in his life before. The hand on Yamato’s shoulder was steady. When he pulled away, Yamato was staring at him, his eyes huge.

               “It’s because I love you,” Suzuki said. And because he couldn’t help it, he winked.

               The words were barely out of his mouth before Yamato returned the kiss. It took Suzuki by surprise, almost knocking him backward. He managed to hold himself up by catching hold of Yamato’s other shoulder. The realization that Yamato was kissing him sank in about two seconds later. Suzuki’s imagination had been lacking. Actually kissing Yamato was better than anything he could’ve dreamed up.

               Yamato was holding him, one hand braced against the small of Suzuki’s back, the other cupping his chin. His mouth was soft and smooth and warm. Suzuki tasted a hint of lip balm. He leaned into the kiss, following Yamato’s movements. Then, Yamato pulled Suzuki onto his lap. Both hands slid to Suzuki’s hips.

               “Suzuki,” Yamato breathed.

               “What?”

               “I don’t want to go to this party. Do you?”

               Suzuki didn’t have to think about it. “No.”

               He gave Yamato another lingering kiss as he got off his lap, then went to knock on the partition. It rolled down about halfway. Suzuki held up a hand in apology.

               “Sorry,” he said, “but could you take us back to Yamato’s place?”

               The next morning was strange. After they’d been dropped off at Yamato’s house, he and Suzuki had spent the rest of the night watching movies and making out. When they were too tired to keep their eyes open a second longer, Yamato let Suzuki borrow a t-shirt and pair of pajama pants, and they had fallen asleep in his room.

               Suzuki woke up thinking last night had been a dream. He wasn’t surprised by coming to in Yamato’s room. (They had sleepovers all the time.) What reminded him that it was real was feeling the weight of Yamato’s arm around him. Suzuki bit back a fresh fit of giggles. He couldn’t believe it. He had kissed Yamato last night. Yamato had kissed him back.

               Yamato stirred and lifted his head. It seemed to take him a minute as well. Then he smiled. He kissed Suzuki’s cheek. “Good morning,” he said softly.

               “Good morning,” Suzuki repeated. He wondered if they could get away with staying in bed all day. Their phones had been blowing up all night, to the point where they’d set them to silent and left them in the living room.

               Yamato groped for his alarm clock. “It’s almost noon.”

               “My manager is probably going crazy right now because I didn’t show up.” He laughed at that. She was going to kill him later, but there were other things on his mind right now. “Is there anything important going on today?”

               “No. There’s just you.” Yamato nestled himself against Suzuki again.

               “We can stay in today,” Suzuki suggested. “We’ll play video games and make pancakes.”

               “And make out,” Yamato added. He stuck his tongue out and wiggled it around.

               Suzuki slapped his hand over Yamato’s mouth, laughing helplessly. “Gross! Don’t do that. You’re not a member of KISS.”

               Yamato laughed as well. He let go of Suzuki and rolled out of bed. “Come on. I’ll make you pancakes. I bought blueberries.”

The apartment complex was quiet. Everyone was either sleeping in or out. Suzuki helped Yamato get out the mixing bowl and the skillet. There were, in fact, blueberries in the fridge. (Suzuki may have helped himself to a few before putting some in the batter.) Yamato started a pot of coffee, promising Suzuki that he still had the French vanilla creamer he liked.

               While they were waiting to flip the first pancake, Suzuki decided to bring up the question that had been on his mind since he’d gotten out of bed. “So… are we boyfriends now?”

               To his credit, Yamato wasn’t caught off-guard, though he did hesitate. “I don’t know. I want to be,” he said. “Things are different for us.”

               “I’d be fine dating you in secret. Plenty of celebrities do it.”

               “Me too, but I don’t know how long we could keep it up. There’s a lot of stress involved.” Yamato did the flip. It was clean. He passed the spatula to Suzuki. “It would definitely make some of our fans happy.”

               Suzuki grinned. “Maybe that’s how we should justify it to our managers.”

               “Yikes,” Yamato said. “Honestly, I don’t want to think about it right now. I just want to eat and destroy you at Mario Kart again. We can talk about the serious stuff later.”

               “Can’t you go easy on me?” Suzuki whined. “I’m your boyfriend.”

               “What makes you think I’d go easy on you just because we’re dating now? I never let you win when we were friends and that’s not going to change now.”

               “You’re so mean.” Suzuki pulled his eyelid and stuck out his tongue. “Yama-kun’s a bad boyfriend. I’m gonna tell the whole world, so no one will steal you from me.”

               Yamato laughed. He put an arm around Suzuki’s waist and brought him in for a kiss. “No one could steal me from you,” he said when they separated. “I love you.”

               Suzuki put his head on Yamato’s shoulder. Life was good. The world might as well be limited to this small kitchen. To him and Yamato, and no one else. “Love you, too.”

[thisweekingundamwing]

TWIGW Feb 18 - 24, 2018

Happy Roundup Day!! Once again, a special thanks to everyone who submitted works; it makes our job so much easier, and helps us catch things we may miss in the shuffle. You only need to dive into the Gundam Wing tag to see just how much love still exists in our fandom.

Also, as this is my first week as a mod, please be gentle if you don’t see your work here. It’s difficult to fill in the blanks beyond the submissions we receive.

Thanks so much and have a lovely week!

--Mod Rem

Fanfiction:

A Little Piece of Gundam Wing

The archive is being ported to AO3! Check it out!

Amberly, yourbloodlikewine

In This Light

Duo spent the last semester working in his older brother's coffee shop. He's resigned himself to a boring spring when a stranger appears, shaking up his entire life.

Eli left home last fall, choosing to spend the last six months living out of his van on his travels from the Midwest to the East Coast. By the time he arrives at Ink's, the novelty of traveling alone has started to wear off. Still, the last thing he's expecting is to meet someone who's going to change all that for him

Pairings: 2xOC, 3xOC, SoloxOC

Warnings: Original Characters - Freeform, Alternate Universe, child abuse mention, Sexual Assault Mention, homophobic parents, Re-Written Characters, Drug Use, Violence, off screen murder, gratuitous author indulgence

Ammiehawk

If He’s Anything Like Me

What if not one, or even two, of the Gundam pilots had a son together, but all five? Some genetic experiment gone awry, or is something else at work here? Yaoi

Pairings: 2xSeverus Snape, 4x1, 3x5

Warnings: Crossover - Harry Potter

@claraxbarton

The Green Door

Duo visits an adult novelty store for the first time.

Pairings: 5x2, 3x5, HxM, 1xR, 2x3x5

@duointherain

To Be Human is to Love

Duo and Heero are working a damaged part of their new colony, things go wrong.

Pairings: 1x2

Warnings: Spaced

@kangofu-cb

If You Let Me

If Trowa could give the new residents one rule for surviving the ICU, it would be ‘Don’t Touch Anything. (Especially The Patients.)’.  In reality, he’d actually give them a lot of rules, possibly with diagrams for clarity.  But his main rule essentially covered the bases. When you worked in one of the largest ICUs, in the biggest medical center in the country, at a hospital known for taking on unstable patients for the most complex and risky surgeries that were performed no-where else, new residents were a menace. Until he meets Dr. Maxwell, the newest anesthesia resident.

Pairings: 2x3, background HxD

Warnings: Alternate Universe - Medical, Doctor/Patient, Nurses & Nursing, Fluff and Smut, this is literally my feel good thing guys ok, I mean I’m not saying there won’t be any angst, but basically this is all WAFF

Of Infinity

The morning after "On The Edge."

Pairings: 2x3x4

Warnings: Plot What Plot/Porn Without Plot, just a big orgy honestly, tithes for 2x3x4, also a sequel, sort of cocktail friday

Lsama_no_miko

Posted multiple fics, too many to list here

Check out their page here 

Maldoror

The Source of All Things

Center, a planet where magic and technology blend. Or more accurately, fight tooth and nail. A planet of Sources, holes in our boring dimension letting through arcane power, chaos and pseudo-deities. In this hot-house of myths and very real dangers, Trowa and Quatre find a mysterious man at the end of a shamanic voyage. Portents suggest this Heero Yuy is crucial to Center’s survival. He’s important enough to have some interesting enemies after him, at any rate: a devious killer and thief called ‘Shinigami’, and a very irate Dragon. Beyond them looms an even greater threat. Indeed, the greatest of them all.

Pairings: 3x4, 2x5, eventual 1x2x5

Warnings:  alternative universe, Science Fiction, Fantasy, Plot Twists, fairly graphic depiction of sex, Mild description of self-harm, Mathematical Magic, weird science, crones - Freeform, Magic and Technology brawling and eventually screwing, Eventual Threesome, Kinda, Insanity of arcane origin, The universe is a pile of marbles and other dubious allegories

Two Halves

The two kingdoms of Sanq and Lin were at war for years; a conflagration involving magic, armies and political murder. The conflict left both nations devastated and strewn with refugees. The king of Sanq finds his infant son, lost at birth, among the death and the ruin, a miracle he barely dared to hope for. But there isn’t just one boy, there are two, clinging together like two halves of a whole that cannot be separated. Decades later, the truth behind that second child’s existence will put a hole in the world, or possibly save it.

Pairings: 1x2

Warnings: Fantasy AU, medieval setting with magic, starts with our heroes as children, Cousin Incest, sort of, eventually, being royalty this is in fact the norm and rather expected of them, Canon-Typical Violence

@remsyk-blog

Distracting Dissertations 

All Wufei wants to do is finish his dissertation and enjoy the rest of the weekend. He just needs to take care of a few distractions.

Pairings: 2x5

Warnings: Smut, Plot What Plot/Porn Without Plot, Just an excuse to do it, How else can I put this?

SmallSound

Two Truths and a Lie

A few years after they join Preventer, Duo and Heero are sent on a space mine clean-up mission. Alone in space together for several weeks, the two ex-Gundam pilots find they have time to find out who they are and who they want to be.

Warnings: Some fluff, Some angst, Sex, New love, Polyamory Negotiations, this is gonna be a long one

Thai_Tea_Addict

Wolves and Lambs

On the cusp of war, Remus Lupin discovers he has a son. Facing a prejudiced wizarding world unwilling to believe Voldemort has returned, Remus must now navigate his duties as both a member of the Order and as a father to one Duo Maxwell. Duo doesn’t know a lot about families, but he knows war. HP Fifth Year, Post-GW main series

Pairings: 1x2, 2xHP, 3x4, Romione

Warnings: Harry Potter crossover, Family Reconstruction Act, Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder - PTSD, Politics, Wizarding Politics, War, Disturbing Themes

@yesacia

Mission: Christmas

Duo gets tired of spending Christmas alone, and realizing he's the only one who celebrates inspires him to bring the others in on the festivities.

Warnings: Duo and Quatre are bffs, Quatre is guilty, Duo just wants y'all to have a merry christmas ok

 Late Night Reading 

Duo reflects a little bit about his love for reading and makes an interesting discovery about a parallel between one of his favorite fictional characters and his long time friend he never noticed before.

T for language. This is just sort of an idea, pretty short, it's based when the guys are in their 20s and still adjusting. Comes out of the On Again, Off Again universe.// an older fic from my FF.net account

Pairings: 1x2

 Random Duo Thoughts 

Random drabbles about Duo's Life Post-War

Pairings: 1x2, 2x3

Warnings: On-Again/Off-Again Relationship, Blurbs from a bigger project

 Random Quatre Thoughts 

Thoughts of Quatre Post-War

Warnings: Recreational Drug Use, Drug Use, Lonely Quatre

Snippets:

@cosmostar​

One of the Road - WIP Featuring Heero Yuy and Cathy Bloom

@gw-ficrecfriday

Just Because - Snippet of Quatre Winner, Dorothy Catalonia 

@lemontrash

Thursday (300) - WIP 2x5 

@lbro009

Insider Snippet: Midii Une - WIP Wednesday

@lifeaftermeteor

LAM!verse snippet - Heero en Route 

@noirangetrois

Dancing with the Duke - WIP for Rewrite the Romance 

@relenaforpresident

The Agreement - 1xR 

@terrablaze514

Touched by an Angel - WIP Wednesday 1x2 

Thirsty for a Change - Snippet Sunday 1+4. Quatre POV

 Photo Edits/Manipulations

@goldenfirefox

Keep Your Word You Fool! 

Headcanons / Meta / Discussions:

Multiple Contributors

Possible HCs Discussion 

@lifeaftermeteor

Dr J and Professor G 

@gundamwing-ellesmith

Heero’s Birthday 

@robo-rad

Office Workers HCs 

Fanart:

@arubees

Zechs and Duo 

@drkstars-art

Bizarre Circus - Trowa Barton and Quatre Winner 

@enukoblr

Duo Maxwell 

@noelleian

Duo Maxwell 

Lady Une 

@vegalume

Color of old sketch - 1x2

@zibelinbelt

Meet-up in Town 

Cosplays:

@kirkettecosplay

Heero Yuy and Duo Maxwell 

@simulacraryn

Treize and Une - Featuring @renmaxwell and @shinigami-of-excellence 

@shinigami-of-excellence

Treize Khushrenada 

Calendar Events:

Cocktail Friday

https://gwcocktailfriday.tumblr.com/

A new prompt every Monday!

Submissions should be posted Fridays between 3 and 5pm EST, and tagged with @gwcocktailfriday

Interview with a Creator by @remsyk-blog @interview-with-a-creator

Remsyk has created an online interview for fandom creators to fill out and then she features one each week so that everyone in the fandom can learn a bit about each other.

If you haven’t filled out her interview, go! do! now!

This week’s interviewee is @vegalume​ found here

[artdjgblog]

Innerview: Amber Willis / Art Institute of Sacramento

June 2010

Photo: Jim Henson / Date, Photographer NA

Note: Questions for an art history essay.

01) Why did you choose this career?

“Career” can have a strange ring to it, but people like to tend the garden variety comfort of obituary. Certainly, there are aspects to be itemized in “career”, like security and stability and pay check and retirement, as well as other big game Gatorade dumps, but I’ve never received any of this or that in standard. I don’t have a career and as an artist will never be retiring. More like, I have the security and stability of knowing that I’m doing what I feel I’m put here to do and if I have to do something else along the way in the day to day, then I’ll do it. If I make it to an older age and look back at the block that is my time line here, I hope to feel fine with what I’ve managed to piece together and I am so far. But, to call that a career wouldn’t make much sense to me and to definitely call it that at 31 is very strange to me. Anyway, I don’t aim to sound stubbly here. Pay check doesn’t really apply to the work I’m doing currently and if it ever does I won’t dismiss it and who wouldn’t want to get paid for what they enjoy doing and feel somewhat OK at? However, in full I’m paid several times over on a personal level and if others get something out of what I’m doing, then that is a great bonus pizza party all-around. It’s perplexing, or even sad, when people spend their whole lives not finding their voice, identity, the how-to in which to share their view through the one thing that they know they’re supposed to be doing. Still, there is the argument if we really even have to find something in terms of a vocation or a “what do you do”? Why can’t we just go day to day and do what we need to do to get it done? Regardless, it can also be sad when people do find their calling, but don’t fully use it, or use it to manipulate others, or don’t even try to use it if they have to work around it. I don’t know much other than I’ve always enjoyed living, making art and being left alone to do my own thing. Cool if people want to hop along my trolley and it truly means a lot that you want to ask me questions…be warned, if you find me all at once the tire, untier and retired to the tracks.

02) What were the first steps you took to get started in this field? I walked blindly up and then opened my eyes and stumbled down the steps. As a rural Missouri farm boy, I actually grew up in fields. It was easy to run from that life at 18, to taste something new, because I thought I knew all I had to know from which I started. Don’t we all? Well, I butchered. We all get butchered. Sometimes I think I should have just been a farmer or butcher. I could have been both and would have been happy and I still made art on the side. I do wish I would have paid more attention as a child to farm stuff. However, it wasn’t until I realized I wasn’t that great at art when I was 18 to 20 and then reached back into the reservoir pits of youth and everyday life, that I began to find the way(s) I needed to show and tell and feel again…and I’m still growing…and I’m still not that great. But, just feeling alright about doing my own thing and wanting to give something back to the earth. Bob Dylan said it best while in his early 20s, “…it’s took me a long time to get young…” There’s a lot to learn from such complex-simplicity.

03) Any advice for a new grad?

I’m a college drop-out so I may not be the best source in the eyes of some, but maybe there could be something of benefit found in that fact? I’m also a bit of a simpleton. Then again, advice can come from anything, even a house plant. Everybody’s on a path. Just a lot of elbows on some. Some are out just to mow down paths. So, make your own. Stand your ground and follow the place where the heart makes it with the gut. Blow out your own holes in your own jeans, is what I like to say. If you aren’t fully convinced of actual jobs pertaining to your studies, then forfeit those directions and continue to do what you want to do. Re-invent yourself if you must and/or tap into the reason you started and wanted this in the first place. Hit the pillow as satisfied as you can, wake up ready to start over. If you have to work a crap job in the interim, then work it. In the end, it’s all perspective as the correct treasure can be found anywhere. If something isn’t working, change it. Heck, change the diaper if it isn’t dirty. If you’re making art and you feel comfortable, change it. Great baseball pitchers don’t have one throw, ya know? Be real too. Every day is different so every day you should be different. I feel that anyone with the right lens can learn a great deal from working/walking in real life than with what he or she may have studied at school and applying it to a job that makes Mom or Dad or teacher or piece of paper proud…doing something that can be done with a 30 day trial of a software program or by changing the skin on a social network do-whop. No, I’m not saying art/design “jobs” are a no-no. If it works for you, then make it work. It just wasn’t what applied to me and certainly not now. No matter what, soak in whatever fuel is available and pour that into the work you do in the before and during and after hours. Still, you will be human, no matter how hard you work. The older you get, energy levels and valuable resources deplete, it’s fact. But, find ways to work around that and to do what you can. If you really want it, you will do it. If you aren’t making art outside of your day job(s), then there is something wrong. I don’t understand at all a designer who goes to work a design day job but doesn’t make art outside of that. So odd to me. And if it’s because the day job prohibits you (per the rules or rules of exhaustion/life), make art anyway, or kick that day job. Please, if you went to school to study art, that means you must have enjoyed art at some point before, so that means you should at least enjoy making art no matter what for the rest of your life, right? I know so many supposedly creative people who don’t really make art, rather shuffle things around at a job, make a meager pile of things in a year or milk the same jug if they are making art at home…or worse, they simply come home and complain per exhaustion or burnout. Something’s either died in them or they picked the wrong nose entirely. If that’s the case, then change it up. Be honest to yourself. If you don’t find yourself craving, then find dessert in the desert and/or give your free time to something or someone else. I have a wild idea that at the end of life, I hope to get a charge card with a little extra time on it to make a couple more things to share and leave behind my interpretation of this life down here. Even though at the same time, I’m currently already eligible for that card (we all are) and need to use it wisely, and I do the best I can. A little slice of heaven sounds nice, and to have a bit of time to maybe help others get to the party too, or at least help dish out free smiles while waiting in line, well, that sounds pretty alright. In short, pocket all you can and puke it back out. Get quenched, get drenched.

04) Is there anything I should know first when starting my career? Hmmmm, there is that word again. Do want you want to do. Life is short. Don’t let other people suck the life from you and/or take advantage of you or your work. Protect your babies. If you ever feel stuck, find wiggle room or get out completely. Have something to say and have something to play. Stay optimistic but don’t be glossy-eyed. It’s OK to say NO. Let yourself be a human being. Enjoy the little things. Document. Tell stories through the work. Jot down ideas and accomplish them. Make goals and change them. Be a good listener with all senses, on your own accord. Disappear for a bit. Try to tune out when you can or turn off all the things that keep you plugged in. Look up and look down and look sideways. Don’t drive yourself into debt or mess up your credit. Don’t mess up your sleep. Everybody needs to re-charge and sleep is important. Don’t stop making art. If you feel at at loss, then step back and come back soon with a fresh perspective. Step away from your work if and when you must. Prepare to fail. Feed off of failure. Don’t be discouraged if your thing doesn’t get as many “hits” as another person’s thing. It is an odd game, this art and design world. Nobody really has defining answers. Travel as much as you can. Be a human being. I don’t know if these are the first ingredients to know, and everybody learns and behaves and reacts differently, but these are things (among many others) I’ve learned along the way that have become valuable to me. If they help another, then cool, but don’t look at me for answers on life support.

05) Is there anything you have learned in the professional world that may not have been taught in school? My schooling was incredible, opened me up and knocked me down to where I could find myself again. I found a place in myself that didn’t make it feel like “work”. If it ever does feel too much like work, then scrap it or throw a change-up. Step away if you must and then come back fresh. I think there should be more general life stuff taught in school too and maybe some more personal development and self-promotion things. But, it’s hard stuff to pin point. Self-help and tips can be a bit weird. Anyway, I’m fine with getting knocked down in the real world too. It’s healthy to simply head on in. I learned (still learning) a lot by working jobs that aren’t necessarily connected to the art and design world. Though, I do find that art and design can be found in every job, if applying yourself correctly and you may be surprised as who you meet along the way.

06) How did you develop your own style? I don’t believe I have my own style, but I do believe I have my own way of visiting the world and sharing it with others. We all do. But, I think I know what you’re talking about as many people bring this up to me and it’s very odd, yet very kind. I’m nothing special, I just wake up with a different head every day and make art. And I see people who make the same thing over and over all their life (well, with the exception of a few choice individuals) and I don’t see how they can live with that. But, it’s theirs to do, I suppose? First thing, realize that everything under the sun has been done. Second thing, the first thing is only partly true because we’ve all individuals with our own interpretation. Every voic​​e, soul and fingerprint is unique and insert that into the work. Third thing, just make art and at times just don’t think about it. The reach and grab method, more like it. Make don’t think. And always prepare to fail and be fine with that and learn and grow from that. Even if people are real bad apple jerks about it too. Learn from them if you can and learn how not to be, as people who suck can be great leaders in such regard. Help them too if you can and if they are willing. Show the real you. Show growth and process and thinking and spirit in your work. Show me that a human being made the work. I’m more interested with a body of work that has try-hard-fails in it than a Miss American pageant of trophy work. I like a human body of work. I want to appreciate the thing behind it, tap into that. I don’t trust any artist who only shows a small, selective portion, whether they are 6 months or 60 years into it. I prefer what the accumulated stains on a mechanic’s onesie look like than a fixed auto in place. Some of the best work speaks outside of the frame to where it’s occupying more than just a block of prime time programming or cut-throat real estate.

07) What was your first job in this field? Oh gosh. I’ve been a farmhand, groundskeeper, janitor, mental health servant…among others. I’m currently in a cubicle doing data entry and file management and fortunate to have buffer time to answer your questions. It is nice on the extreme hot and cold days. Art and design field?: In the 5th grade I won a county-wide logo contest compromised of ages 6 to 18. Not really a job, but first actual taste of the field. It left me with an odd taste. I got my logo in the papers but the final product was butchered. I recall a sadness when my parents drove me by the finished logo signage. Current field? My 3rd year of college I befriended some bands/musicians and started making poster and package designs on the side of my classes and day jobs. So, I guess that is where it sparked towards the right now. I then dropped-out 4 and a half years into my studies and moved to Kansas City with a band. Shortly after I became a janitor while making art on the side. I even made some art while at work. I miss being a janitor, but it didn’t pay enough and health and time off benefits weren’t provided. When I first moved to Kansas City, I started immediately making band posters for free, for guest list appearances, for cheeseburgers, or if I was fortunate, for five bucks. I did hunt around a bit in the graphic arts section of the paper, even though I had no desire or ambition to work a “real” design job, but I was broke and desperate. I went for an interview at a print shop but it didn’t materialize more than a strange story that I need to spend more time on and release at another date. And just to please a few people (parents, I believe), I sent a packet of work to Hallmark’s headquarters here in town and never heard back. After a few weeks of calls going nowhere, I showed up at Hallmark’s door with my portfolio asking the gruff security lady if there was any way to physically talk to anybody or at least be pointed in the right direction. She ripped me a new one as I left the building crying, vowing to never apply or inquire of an actual graphic design position again. I haven’t…

08) How do you create a good work and life balance? Best question so far (and it applies to anyone), though it has me thinking too much. It’s dangerous, this self-analysis. It can be a struggle and especially if you don’t have your head screwed on right. I like to do my best with making life and work one thing and I’m not talking about making myself the work of art. The last thing I want to do is play God with art or myself, I find many people doing this. There are times when I try hard at the self-promotion coin of it and it can be soul sucking. It can be a beast. It can be a beast just to find balance of it all too. I have seasons, we all do. But, I’m learning and growing more and more with how to read my senses. But, I’m also always changing. I’m a human being and I have to be a human being before any of this art stuff. I can’t do it all, even if I want to. And I realize that if I could do it all, it would never be enough. It’s “whole pizza” syndrome. It can be the poison and it can be the antidote. I just have to chip away whenever I can and however I can. I’d lie if I said I wasn’t a hard worker, but there are so many days in a month where I don’t work hard enough when I do work, even with a day job, marriage, life stuff. I just have to know when to work and when to re-charge my batteries and in what ways to re-charge and also know how to be disciplined. Just chip away. Again, every day is so different even though I’m perpetually glass-half-empty in mindset, but I just am very thirsty. I learned to balance a bit better when I knocked back my client work in-take a great deal in 2007. The year before I felt I could easily teeter to burn out as I was taking more bites than I could possibly chew reasonably and also feeling like I wasn’t as close with who and what I was working for. I decided to take a step back while I was still ahead. Hard to do, but had to be done. It was a great learning year and maybe my best on a whole in terms of output. I’m certain some eyes/minds thought I did the wrong thing by stepping back, but I followed my heart and gut with that decision and am completely fine with that. You have to do what you have to do. I’m still making just as much work now, but am pickier with who I work for and the kinds of work I’m doing. I’m also doing far more work for myself and that is the most rewarding. I can never do enough work for myself. Time is the only thing that tends to beat me. I’m at a good point with feeling more like a visual artist than a graphic designer. I guess I’ve always sort of approached it that way though. It is OK to rock one’s boat or to just paddle all over. What’s really odd to me is when people who haven’t seen me for a while ask, “Are you still making art?”

09) If you could do it all over again would you? Questions like this are so weird and obtuse. Hypothetically speaking, I might be more in-depth on some personal things if I were to go back, especially with the mind I have now. But, things would essentially be so different to the current. The official start date on my own odyssey was in early January of 2002. Things were so much different then, inside and out. I dip into nostalgia’s fly specks often, but I never wish to really insert myself into those points, times and destinations for very long as they served the slice of the time they possessed. I’m sure I’d come away quite horrified most of the time if I did. I know I do when I read my saved writings from early years. But, it’s all about the process. It’s gotten me to right here, so it must have been worth my while. Then again, there are times I am confused by the mirroring of the present. You’ve got me thinking too much. Moving on…

10) How do you feel about a degree from an institute compared to a regular degree? The only degree I got was deodorant. Educationally speaking, it depends. All I know is what I know. I dropped out of college and my Dad said that I should have just gone to an art school like the Kansas City Art Institute instead so that I would have gotten a degree. But, I don’t think so at all (not to mention art schools are way more costly from what I’ve seen). I feel I received one heck of an education where I went and who I was around and it got me to where I am today and I wouldn’t change that. Even though I went to a state school, and a fine one at that, I think I was part of a special art institute. Degree or no degree, from here or there, I’d still be making the art that I wanted, and the way I wanted, in my basement today. I feel I’m using what I’ve learned all the way in life. I don’t feel a large percentage of people truly use what they’ve learned, they just find a comfortable place to plant and then go through motions. I guess there isn’t really anything bad in that, if you’re fine with being a bump on a log. Sometimes I do think it would be easier to be a bump on a log.

11) How much do you make? Money or Art? I don’t make much money at all. I haven’t in 9 years. I knew that going in though. If I do make money, it’s usually spent on junk or cheap supplies. Most of it has gone to regional design competitions and magazines. Which, is getting quite out of hand now on fees and the little guys like me are getting pushed out. I’ve sorta stopped submitting to all that and I had a good run for a while anyway. I suppose I do make a lot of art. I’m in a unique position where I can do whatever the heck I want, usually when I want, and that’s worth more than money. Of course, if working for a client, I do have a responsibility there to tap into what they and I are representing. But, it all works out. In the past there have been times where a client says, “Make whatever you want! I love everything you do!” And then I make it and even keep it in bounds to what we’re doing (I don’t got whole hog on them) and they come back to me very disappointed. Some have even been down right bad apple weirdo about it. It is kind of funny in the long haul and I still got some art out of it. But, I’ve had some incredible clients and the really good ones make up for any bad things that may have come along. And in all business, there are good and bad working relationships. Now a-days though, it is nice to be pickier and choosier with what work I take on and do the majority of the work for me. True, I’d love to make art full-time for money, anybody who has any loving thing on the side would rather do that than work another man’s dream. But, I’m happy with how things are going. I’m actually looking into ways in which to go about presenting myself a bit differently, changing up the gears some. But, am in no hurry and definitely in a good place where anxiety is low and I’m just taking things day to day. Anyway, I try to do my best with making a year’s worth of art in six months. Less is not more. More is way more. More can also be never enough. I don’t know, I am just doing this thing.

12) How much experience counts when producing good design? I don’t know? In our tangible get-to-know-me, warm fuzzy world, sometimes a bunch of experience, sometimes zero. Depends on the product. Some of the worst art and design I’ve seen has come from trained people and/or is in museums. Again, I guess it’s perspective and we all see differently. Some of the best art and design can come from every day working people like my Grandma or some homeless 80-year-old man who one day up and marks the results of his life on cardboard of cereal boxes behind a grocery store (Bill Traylor). My favorite art and design comes from folk art. Feels pure to me. Feels “good”. But, I appreciate formally trained art and design too. I just know what I like, I guess? And I have no idea how to even go about this question of “producing good design” when comparing my world to a man whose spent his entire life in a jungle or what we call a third world. It’s not far off the mark of trying to truly ponder why the billions of dollars the movie “Avatar” made couldn’t be better put to solving world hunger? Had James Cameron been born in the jungle, he might not be making movies and/or movies about artificial jungles. I guess it’s all about location and who you know and how you know and how you want to show and tell to your team of make-shift receivers?

13) Recently with design trends in advertising, TV, etc what do people demand from graphic designers and why? Oh boy. Graphic design, in it’s conventional glory, has kind of died some, at least to me. Though, I still recognize it. It is such a weird world right now, at least with technology moving so fast. Exciting and overwhelming. I’ve never been crazy about it, but I respect it yet don’t really keep up with it. People demand to have their attention held these days, otherwise they are on to the next “new and improved” thing in a few seconds or they will just make their own amusement and find their own fifteen seconds. It means a lot to me when somebody can stop for a few seconds and take something in these days. That is probably more of a big challenge on the viewer than the presenter. I’m trying hard to let in all the little things that seem to be depleting. I’m glad I grew up in a time where I can remember not having the internet or phones in pockets. I’m glad I grew up on a farm. I was never bored. I am never bored now and I don’t need external hickies. Attention spans will only suffer more in generations to come. Maybe we should try to do something about this. Maybe we designed it that way? Somebody did. If somebody really demanded a graphic something of me (sounds very much at gun point), then I’m not sure how I’d handle that. I might tell them to chill out.

14) Looking back ten years within your field do you think it has changed or progressed? It has done a bit of both. Actually, I feel that every ten years, no matter what field or profession, there is a noticeable difference in both. It is inspiring, but overwhelming how everybody is a designer these days, at least that’s what they are telling me. I also feel that so many designers want to jump out of the woom cutting teeth. Slow down and find your soul.

15. How do you feel about almost becoming a celebrity for your creativity? Really?! I wasn’t informed of this. Neat, I guess? I think anybody who either puts themselves, or something of their self, out there for others (most definitely this happens in the arts) and there becomes somewhat of a trickle down from that as a result of it saying something or carrying an identity, this can easily trigger a part of the brain to spark a notion that they are a bullet of special. And today this can be dangerous as children are born into the idea of narcissism with constant craving for technology and the “hey, lookie-me’s”. Sure, we’re all special, looking down the grand scope, but we’re all in this mix together. I don’t know. It is so strange. I guess in a little dish I’ve built this odd little club of people who like my work and that is really neat and rewarding. Magazines in Turkey and Taiwan feature me, publishing houses in Spain and America too. It is interesting to me. An artist told me last year that I was pretty “elusive” and I didn’t known what this meant for a guy like me, but found it alright in a Bigfoot kind of way. Should I be more out in the open? I’ve just always did my thing the way I’ve done it. The other day I met a man at a wedding who has been a big fan of my work since 2002. I wouldn’t call that celebrity, but it was a nice compliment and I hope to have coffee with him soon. He always thought me to be very plugged into the scene or whatever it is, but I feel very much on the outside of all that. Every Spring semester I have a lot of offers for interns. Flattering, but I always have to decline. Celebrity is so strange to me and doesn’t even apply to what I am. Most people’s idea of truly “making it” seems skewed as well. I wouldn’t want to be a celebrity, though art and design world celebrity is much different than other kinds. I’d love to just be at a point where I could live on a few acres in private, make art in my making things barn and for just enough money and support to make it comfortably and to not have my wife and animals work too. For now, I will just continue to make art the way I am making it, even if I don’t truly “make it” in real world terms.

16) Where do you draw the line of what work you make public and what you keep for your personal life? It appears I have a lot of my work and even personal life out on the world wide web, but really I don’t think it’s that much. I am in the process of working on a new personal web site. My site is my personal filing cabinet to share with others. I may widdle down some of the selections upon initial visit for people as the speed of site visiting is so much more rapid now as people are passing and receiving information at such a high rate. I might knock back some of my personal Flickr photo sets to private in the coming months, but I’m also alright with showing my photography as it is another interpretation of how I’m seeing and experiencing the world. I wouldn’t mind exhibiting photography in the years to come. In all, I have over 22,000 images on Flickr: art, design, sculptures, collections and photography. I also have a ton of stuff on my site that includes all of my documentation of my art whereabouts, writings and home videos. I didn’t realize it was all getting so massive out there until recently. I’ve always been documenting and sharing, it’s something I learned from my upbringing and even in college I learned the importance of this. I find it important to show a body of work, but one must not make himself or his things the shrine. I just want to share things. There are some things that I’ve yet to document for others. I don’t keep a ton of private work to myself, but there is some stacking up in my basement, and even some of it will end up for others to see someday.

17) Any regrets? Looking back I don’t really have any regrets. Shouldn’t this question come when I’m 95? I do retain a lot of the past within the present, in a way that a company might file their time line of business. I’m looking at this now and nothing really rings a big bell. I’m a fan of the time line of a life, a body of work or reaction to what is pounding on the outside. My brain just works that way. I do wish I would have taken a year or two to live in another city or more. Maybe gone to Europe? But, at the same time, you never know what you’d gain or lose in such a thing, so hard telling. Also, I feel I was just equipped to take on what I did, mentally and financially (barely financially). I just stepped out on a ledge and did it because it was what I had to do and I like how it’s all lined up so far and if things go right, I will have many more years to do other things. There are some things, like wishing I’d written more and documented more and painted more and learned a few new techniqueds. Though, I have done a great deal of that already and there is always room for development. I do wish I’d kept in touch better with some people or saved up more money along the way. It’s hard though with a lot of life things. It’s sad when people have lots of regrets.

18) Do you think designers have made the world a little better? I don’t necessarily subscribe to this notion, or the plot about design or Coke changing the world. I think many people get caught up in this, picket for it, and not to rain on the parade, but it’s just not my thing. I do know that design can make people smile or think a bit, perhaps become aware of certain things. It can be a powerful tool. It can also be a dangerous one. Personally, I don’t really push for politics in my work, but sometimes they happen and I’m fine with it. All of this doesn’t mean I don’t have a heart, it’s just not where I’m supposed to be speaking and I’ll pass the mic to people who should be and are in such a position. When speaking of making “the world a little better” with every day design of peoples interaction with things, I guess it just depends on the user. Most users probably don’t care and as long as they get by, then that is great. I’m fine with that. Of course, I do find trouble reading most restaurant menus and billboards, things of this typographical vomit nature don’t make sense to me. I get confused easily too. I also have trouble initiating intuitive interactivity with technology (which I won’t even get into right now), but I think that has far more to do with faulty wiring in my brain than somebody trying to make my life simpler in mash button ideology. I’m a simple man. But, the people who probably haven’t been diseased by my brain or $40,000 in academic training, can probably read and function more fluently in this world than me. Most of the time I just don’t feel qualified enough to discuss this topic. An interesting topic it is though.

19) Where do you see design going? Other than what I see in front of me at random, or casually perusing a couple of sites or magazines here and there, I usually don’t seek out the current state of design or ponder where it’s headed. Though, I have seen a lot of things getting pretty samey-so-so. Sort of all bleeding together. But, that happens all the time and my stuff isn’t anything new. In truth, I don’t really care that much and living a real life the best I can, is more important to me. I’ve never really felt like an evaluated voice for such discussion as well. I don’t even feel like a voice for graphic design or art. I’ve been turning down speaking engagements because of this. I just can only do my thing and if others want to tag along, then that is great. Though, this is a good question and in general it must be going?

20) How important do you think formal design education is? Also what are the benefits? If only speaking of design made by trained designers, I’m a fan of all types of education that apply; academic, day jobs or trade(s), life experiences. A bit of everything keeps the toes where they goes. Formal design education is important because you have a collective of shared experiences in the trench together, whether it’s instructors or peers. All walks of life too, especially from the perspective of a rural Missouri farm boy. You also learn to develop what you’ve always carried up to that point, add more to it, or completely fine-tune, re-define. For some, realize how they’re built or better suited elsewhere. Formal training can help you learn control, addition/subtraction and to process and feel, to take critique, to multitask. To find the diamond. To learn how to mine it. Sometimes it can be like learning how to see, walk or tie your shoes again. I was fortunate to turn blindly into a system (Southwest Missouri State University, now just Missouri State University) that was/is one of the best kept design school secrets. It just sort of all unfolded right and I wouldn’t change it, but I do wish I would have worked harder. You can always work harder. But, I am what I am. I was under the instruction of well-oiled Eastern European and Russian influence. I didn’t really know what I had until it was about time for me to leave, but once I re-learned how to tap into my spirit, it just felt so right to me. It also helped that I could relate a little bit with my teachers coming from other countries and cultures because a farm boy studying art and design at a high level can be fairly similar

21) Who were your earliest influences that made you choose design as a career? Jim Henson and the world he immersed himself and the public into, was a big influence on me. Also, early on in if I recognized an apple on a vinyl record, then I knew it was going to be for my ears. That iconic Beatles identity, along with movie titles, comic books, Saturday morning cartoons (way before today’s sorry excuses), sports team mascots, farming logos, and handmade countrified things (in particular stuff made by my Grandma’s hands and the way farmers and rural people make or “rig” things), were huge influences on me in knowing how to choose and identify items of interest as well as how-to in creating my own visual language whether it was in my bedroom, sand box or elsewhere. I sorta call them culture trappings and we’ve all got a set of them and these early blue prints never leave you. My parents also never had a cap on what cultural things I and my siblings could in-take. We lived in the country, but our imaginations soared with the help of externals and it would trickle down from there (and this was well before internet and fancy phones). Later on in high school I plunged really into things like architecture (particularly sports stadiums and skyscrapers) and the graphic art of graffiti. This time was an important crossroads as for a while I wanted to be a sports architect, but a lack of math skills turned me off of that and onto graphic arts and there I went. It also helped that I was highly influenced from a three week session at the first annual Missouri Fine Arts Academy. Anyway, it’s all in there in the work I’m doing now, all the life debris that passes every day, along with a whole slew of influences from the past dozen years or more. I don’t ever aim for my formative years to stop. If I make it to 95, I plan to work harder than I do now. Switching gears from grade school-high school to college, I struggled a bit at the first half of this transition. I was trying to take my rural “best artist” roots and apply them to the big dogs of academics. I was so naive (probably still am), but it wasn’t a bad thing. But, it wasn’t easy. One time in hands-on foundation class I overheard classmates grumbling about how they couldn’t wait until they could start working on a computer. I had no idea what they were talking about and exclaimed with great enthusiasm, “I plan to take the route that doesn’t involve computers!” They laughed this off and told me square that there was no way I was going to work around that. I also thought that typography meant I’d be making maps, which if you really think about it, it kind of is. Post foundations, when the screen barrier was finally put in front of me, I felt at a loss in connection for my work and I fell behind fast. It wasn’t until a long bout with struggling back and forth if I even wanted to do graphic art, as well as visiting design firms and coming away very empty, that I found myself and the way in which I wanted and needed to speak. All it took was simply tapping back into the early reservoirs of why I honestly loved making art and creative purity in the first place. I found myself and a connection to something bigger. It also helped that my instructors encouraged hands-on work, process, identity, ideas, experimentation and opened my eyes a little wider to how I could use my insides as well as studies from the entire scope of the arts and life. Everything applies. All of these factors also coincided and collided with a library visit in which a book by designer Lester Beall literally fell to my feet from atop the shelf. I opened it up and found immediate kinship with his approach to design and visual art as well as the fact that he lived and worked out of a barn with the sheep. I grew up with sheep myself. -djg