#it counts as 2017 for me since thats when i could see it lol

[unsavedfile]

waitttt raw and thoroughbreds came out the same yr?? fuckign hell

[scummy-writes]

Stupid and Sappy post

*waves hands* It’s time for Scum to say bye to MM under the cut! (This is very stupid jhfbjhf)

I can already feel people rolling their eyes at me for this, especially folks who keep like, vague tweeting me and shit over my opinions about this game, but guess what bitch is gonna write this anyway! Me! sfbjhdf

(This post is going to be incoherent at places, like as I am as a person, but also! I talk about heavy subjects like suic*de, so if that gets to you, please don’t read!)

To start it off seriously: even though recently I’ve had a lot of issues over this company with their lack of warning over heavy triggering content, and their very blatantly bad customer service, I still love the original game a lot. Not in the “Oh this plot is beautiful” way, but like. This game helped me at a time when I was extremely lonely, and was dealing with a lot of heavy shit at home.

If you guys have followed me since the beginning, you know know I started this blog just a few months after downloading this game. Like riiight at the beginning of Jan 2017, I made my first post on here- this blog is two years old! I started out as a HC blog and stayed that way for a while, and I think after I hit 1k followers I finally brought up the fact that I had an AO3 account- and folks realized I had started writing fics in oct 2016 for this game! So, a lot of people know that, wow! This game inspired me a lot creatively and helped me hone my writing skills a bit more after a while not being in a writing class! (And yes, my early fics I absolutely refuse to look at because I hate how I used to write JHBJSBFS).

What a lot of folks don’t know, is that at the very beginning of august, I had gotten out of a ward after coming very close to doing something pretty bad to myself. 

Granted, I didn’t have to stay in there long- I had put myself in there so I could also leave whenever I wanted (as long as the docs deemed me safe to leave as well) but I kept myself in there for a good bit so I could do a lot of critical thinking and not stress so much about my job at the time.

Afterwards, I got out, while I wasn’t still at That Point, I was still struggling pretty bad mentally. Home life was rough, my mom was battling with a terrible boyfriend at the time that lived with us, and I was still dipping back into some pretty bad thoughts.

Then, a friend I’ve had for a while now, introduced me to this game! And, well, I already covered that it helped me a lot in the creative process, but it also helped distract me a shitton from the bad home life I had.

A lot of people probably also remember that a month after having this blog up and running, my mom tried killing herself.

Everything is still really vivid in my memory about that- because like. So many things could have gone wrong. My little brother could have fallen asleep earlier before he found her, I could have picked up that extra hour for my shift at work, this, that- but long story short she’s still alive.

But it was a terrible year for me. Probably, arguably, all of 2017 was the worst year I’ve had in my life so far. So many things happened with my mother, she was mentally unstable, and after a lot of threats against me I even had to move out until she was more stable and, you know, not threatening to hurt me/break my shit.

And, a lot of you know, while I was constantly dealing with my own mother threatening me and trying to disown me, I was also being harassed on a constant basis over juz*n bullshit. Words cannot describe how laughably stupid that whole situation was, but it was completely, utterly, ridiculous bullshit. 

Add that onto me dealing with the IRL struggles with my mom, some of which are somewhat starting to repeat even now- to the point where I’m going to be moving out again soon- well. Shit! It sucked, lol. It sucked a lot, and there were many times where I wish I was back in the hospital or worse.

But, and yes I’m gonna say exactly what yall are expecting, again- this game helped me out a lot. I constantly felt alone and worthless- my own mother was abandoning me- and these voiced sprites made me feel less alone. Gave me the attention I wish I had IRL.

And, well, a lot of my 2017 year is easy to summarize. Constantly harassed, bullied, and dealing with stupid fandom wank. But, also, filled with wonderful messages and support from you guys. 

I’ve preached before how follower counts are ridiculous to base your self worth on- and yes I still agree to that, please don’t base your self worth on follower counts. Or anyone’s! - but some of you have literally followed me since the beginning, or for a Very Long Time, if not. I may be terrible with names, but I still recognize you guys and all the kind words you’ve sent me, and I hope you guys know you helped just as much as MM was helping me.

I’m getting incoherent, but a lot of what I’m trying to say is that, this game has helped me out a shitton. That’s probably why I get so vocal about issues concerning the company- not out of a sense of ‘they owe me’ (they owe me absolutely fucking nothing), but just. It sucks seeing a game that used to be so wonderful in its prime, go so fucking downhill so fast. Customer service used to be wonderful, I remember accidentally putting down my old address for the VIP package and messaging them right after I ordered explaining I needed a change of address, and a Live Person getting back to me within the hour and fixing the issue.

Comparing that with, you know, the Four Fucking Months it took to speak to Someone Successfully about the saeran daki bullshit- then you know...Well, yeah you guys know, I’ve went off about it before.

Now it’s apparent that they’re more money hungry, with how you had to pay 900+ hgs with the recent AE stuff with V, and...hoo boy, I’m sure everyones heard enough at this point.

So, backtracking a bit because I’m chugging coffee and all incoherent, this game has brought in a lot of positives in my life. You guys, healthier distractions than what I used to do to myself, friends, creative outlets being brought back to life again. I think thats why I get so upset at the fandom, at people snapping at me for not liking some of the recent things cheritz has done- people fucking vaguetweeting me, for fucks sake, and getting so personally angry at me over how I got upset at Cheritz. Like, I’m not shitting yall, I literally lost friendships  over my opinions on cheritz.

And it sucks! Not gonna lie, like it sucks because it’s so fucking stupid. But then you take a look into the fandom- with the ongoing and constant harassment over contributors in charity zines, constant harassment over people if they like a character you don’t or vice versa, the harassment against artists concerning repostings or, god forbid, them drawing a ship you dislike- and it’s just. 

How did a game, focusing on the message of how kindness and patience can help out in so many ways, create this rabid fucking fandom?

Even content creators fight against each other. I cannot explain the bullshit I’ve seen over people being mad that they’re not on someones personal “recommended blogs to follow!” lists, over people going out of their way to harass folks because they didn’t make it on a zine, over people trying to use a follow count over why they’re much better than so and so- It’s just...Bad. All of it.

And, well. Combine Cheritz rapidly making their own game worse, in ways we all have heard about me (or others) complain about, and this terrible fandom, I think that perfectly explains why I’m uninstalling and pretty much being done with the fandom once the other stuff I’m involved in finishes.

This game brought a lot of happiness for me, and even with my recent grievances with this game, it (laughably) hurts to uninstall it. I know its ridiculous, god trusT ME i know, but it still sucks saying goodbye to something I still love, but can’t stand being around anymore. At this point, the fandom feels like an abusive ex-friend/whatever and the game used to be what good the ex had left. And now that thats getting worse...orz

I’ll always treasure the doors this game opened up for me- how it allowed me to meet amazing people, some of which I can happily say are my friends, and how it helped me become creative again, how I’ve been able to be on zines to help charities, and how I’ve been blessed to hear my writing impact people in positives ways- but here’s my sappy goodbye while I try to scrapbook the positive memories and bury the negative ones in upcoming therapy session.

If you read this far- bless yoooooou I know I sound like the damn. Crazy image of the dude with papers pinned to the wall, but I hope I made some sort of sense. Thank you!

[matthias-helvr]

The Protector Review

Things I did not like at all:

the pacing was shit. for episodes that were only 30-40 minutes long they were so slow. dear lord so slow. which is shocking for a turkish show!! they always go at a good and fast pace

the conversations were stilted and forced. Nothing of much substance was said, a lot of things were said without feeling. gosh how many times are we going to hear about the loyal ones waiting for the protector. they need to diversify the dialogue. add some more jokes, some more conversations with substance in them

love triangle. No. please no. I don’t care for watching Yaman and Eylul make out. I felt scarred for life. lol

they placed a lot of emphasis on istanbul the city but like. they kept showing us hagia sophia and the blue mosque. over and over. i know its central to the plot. but your daily turkish show does a better job of showing istanbul and its culture and people. idk i feel like they could have done a better job of showing us via more locations, more interactions, better fleshed out relations etc

the loyal ones were so annoying. all this supposed excitement over who the protector is and when they all meet him it ends up being really underwhelming?

again. all this supposed need to find the protector but other than the immortal himself, they arent really showing us what’s at stake here, why there is a desperate need to kill the immortal

take a shot every time someone dies. lol the deaths were not so impactful since these characters were literally just introduced.

zeynep and hakan both make really dumb mistakes. they show character growth but not a lot. I was especially bothered by zeynep’s need to protect the city but she doesnt really care about children being mistreated or innocent people dying, i mean if not the people than what are you trying to protect zeynep?

I hope we see a smarter hakan in the next season, he’s still growing and it was interesting seeing him fuck up every single time lmao. Cagatay was good, he could have been better.

Ayca really stood out to me, this was the first show i saw her in and she really nailed her character! I’m excited to see what happens to her in the next season and who she becomes?!?!!

Overall im underwhelmed. LOL. I really expected something more historical fantasy and it was too modern for me. And I really thought it was about hakan wearing the shirt and going back in time during the ottoman empire to change history! I swear thats what the description said

having different directors for every 3 episodes and being produced by non-turkish people really was not a good idea. The show just didn’t have the touch of a turkish tv show. idk how to explain it but it felt like an american show with turkish actors. I really wish they had someone experienced from ay yapim or something give their take on a couple of episodes. It just lacked the special touches of a good turkish show. I would have loved some more drama, emotions, a faster pace (get to the point and stop repeating the same thing omg!), better fleshed out relationships, and just yeah.

also a lot of turkish stories are more character driven, this is a show that is more plot driven so the characters kind of end up pushed to the background, even Hakan who is the main character. Cagatay can only rely on so much of his charm to be considered entertaining.

ahhhh. anyway i still stan cause i have been counting down the days until this release since may 2017.

[gavis-bettel]

i just saw a post about symptoms of childhood depression and idk if ive ever talked about this here but 

every time i try to think about how my depression developed when i was a child i am BLOWN AWAY by the fact that i was Very Severely suicidal as young as 7 or 8 years old 

like i have very distinct memories partly because it happened during my first road trip with my family. i distinctly remember just desperately wanting to jump out of our hotel room window and we were a good few stories up so i didnt have any doubt it would kill me and i didnt even think of why i would want to do it or that it was such a serious thing to want to kill myself bc idk if i even knew what suicide was at that age 

and around age ten i was on another trip with my mom and brother and it was a ton of fun! we went to a family reunion which i always enjoyed and it was in a totally different climate zone which was super cool to experience for the first time and my mom got me pokemon diamond so i would have something to do and i loved that game so so much 

but on a cable car ride the park ranger or tour guide or whatever her position was mentioned that it would take seven seconds to fall from the height of our cable car onto the face of the mountain and all i could think of was how much i wanted to pry the doors open and jump and count those seven seconds and how disappointing it was that the car was full of people and someone would stop me if i tried 

and then we went on a hike and i kept looking for any slope that would be sheer and tall enough to kill me if i fell but luckily we were on the safest most beginner/child friendly trail 

and earlier that year i was going through a really stressful time in school and i frequently imagined ways that i could fall on our sharpest kitchen knife so it would kill me as quickly and painlessly as possible, or how to drown myself by looping a belt through the grate of the drain at the bottom of our swimming pool, or how to poison myself but i didnt think too hard about that one because i had a tendency to throw up a lot as a kid and i wanted the most surefire way 

and at age twelve my best friend was also depressed and suicidal and she told me about how she wanted to poison herself or kill herself in other ways i cant remember bc its been a decade, but i decided that if she wanted to die too then i should try and i think it was before the pass out challenge but i remember hearing a news story about a child strangling himself to death playing a game or something so i actually tried to strangle myself and i could have fucking done it but i stopped bc i got a little freaked out by my neck going numb and seeing spots of light so i put the belt i was using away and just went to bed lol 

and in the morning i messaged my friend about it and she was actually kind of freaked out i think. i remember seeing the little red spots from blood vessels bursting in my eyes and i was lucky i didnt bruise bc while i never really realized just how fucked up and abnormal being suicidal was (at any age, let alone 7-12), i also never told anyone about it except my friend 

and interestingly enough around that time one of my teachers mentioned to my mom that i seemed depressed and recommended that i see a professional about it but my mom asked me if i was depressed and wanted to talk to someone and of course i said no because i was a shy kid and also never really knew there was actually something very seriously wrong with me... she chalked it up to my grandma (who i kind of hated and didnt miss at all, lol) dying a few months earlier and we all just kind of forgot about that 

and funny enough, after my suicide attempt i didnt contemplate suicide again for several years - i might have been sixteen or seventeen the next time i even thought about dying like that. of course, starting in the tenth grade (age uhh... 15-16?) i had my first Springtime Major Depressive Episode, which made me lose any and all interest in school starting some time after spring break and before finals, and this happened ever year up until 2016, when i had my worst one yet and failed all my classes bc i didnt go to half of them, didnt do half my homework, and stopped studying altogether while also becoming completely obsessed with dead animals and constantly dissociating so badly i was almost convinced i had DID (and i still have posts on this blog talking about having alters and all that shit bc digging them all up to delete them is too much work and i might want to read back through all that mess if i ever have to go through such a severe episode again (knock on wood) ). and like, it was so bad i actually told my mom i was having a rough time for the first time ever, and she gave me her prozacs bc she didnt actually take them anymore (they didnt work on me, unfortunately). the summer following all that was marked by fits of anxiety and rage bc i had family visiting for a few weeks and it was too stressful for my poor half-melted brain but i managed to get through all that and the depressive episode ended and i actually got my act together after that and haven’t failed a class since and ive only skipped like 1-2 times per semester since then and i was sooo proud of how well i did and 2017 i didnt have my big springtime mde 

but now i feel like im slipping again and i dont know if i can handle disappointing myself like that again. i was actually considering dropping out for a while because im not going to graduate in a clean four years, some people i graduated high school with have already gotten their degrees and started their careers, and im also just fucking tired of being in school. but my advisor told me im on track to graduate next fall and that made me feel so much better 

but then i realized i cant focus during class. i dont remember huge chunks of lectures and sometimes its a struggle to turn in homework on time, let alone actually study. theres a good chance i could fail one of my classes, and a slight chance i could fail another. and i promised myself that i would get help if things got bad again, theres a psych clinic right on campus thats covered by tuition, but it feels like im doing all i can to make it to class and then im exhausted and just want to go home... im honestly feeling kind of lost here. like i know exactly what i can do to help myself and maybe salvage some fucking brainpower before finals start, but i just have no motivation and mentally its like im barely even here 

or like, my brain’s being smothered and i cant pay attention or do anything because theres so much fluff blocking everything out... 

well, at least now i have a little account of my mental health history in case i ever do manage to see someone lol

[kwanfairy]

CHOICE TAG

Rules: Answer the questions (if you want to skip one, feel free to do that too of course!). Tag 3 people (or more or less, you choose really). Tag your post with #CHOICE_tag so we can find each other’s posts! Have fun!!

I was tagged by @choi-hae - thanks love for always thinking of me (ღ˘⌣˘ღ)

I’m tagging: @aamorella @moonsehyoon @kimbye0ngkwan

i know i havent interacted with either of you 3 yet and i feel kinda akward for calling you out like this so pls feel free to ignore.

1. Introduce yourself. You choose how much and how little!

hi hi im Bikki and i hate introducing myself cause i never know what to say lmao. im a pretty big loser with a big heart and an unhealthy obsession with anything dog related cause dogs are everything („ಡωಡ„)

2. How and when did you become a CHOICE?

ive started to get into kpop fairly 'late' (in 2016) and by the time undercover dropped a year later i was still quite confused and overwhelmed but i remember i really liked the song (and could not for the life of me tell bk and sehyoon apart in that MV wtf @ 2017 me LOL). fast forward to 2020 when favourite boys hit me like a truck and honestly it all is kind of a blur afterwards lmao. the aes of the MV had me fall in love with them instantly and i think i watched a bunch of 'funny moments' vids and stuff and it all spiraled from there

3. What is your favourite part of being a CHOICE?

4. What is your favourite A.C.E song? Do you prefer their title tracks or b-sides more?

this fandom mirrors the boys' crackhead energy like i have yet to meet a choice who isnt just as weird as the fools themselves and i absolutely love it (◡‿◡)

also: being choice means being a fan of ace and whats better than that

i really cant say. i like each song for very different reasons. i love Stand By You for its soft yet melancholic vibes. i love Golden Goose cause their performance on theshow killed me. id literally go feral listening to Hell if they finally. give us. a studio version. :) :) :)

5. Who’s your bias? What do you like about them?

my bebi Byeongkwan for sure eventho i also feel very drawn to Sehyoon cause we are pretty similar personality wise (i say as i dont really know him at all lmao). but best boi BK will put me into simp mode in -0.34 secs. i cant really say why i just love this gorgeous lil firecracker (ಥ◡ಥ) and im obsessed with ppl calling him fairy it literally makes me flatline cause yes yall are so right.....

but really, im a huge simp for them all (yes... even jun eventho it makes me gag to admit it LMAO)

6. What is your favourite thing about A.C.E?

how they play (and fuck) with gender norms and try out so many different things, esp style-wise. to me, it is such an aesthetically pleasing group(point proven with the siren teasers id say). i also love how natural they seem. like they dont bother about upholding a fake image. i esp get that feeling of 'just 5 dudes being friends' which i love so dearly during their vlives - its so refreshing and fills my heart so much

7. Which concept has been your favourite? What kind of concept do you want them to try?

8. Which A.C.E friendship is your favourite? Which one do you want to see more of?

id say undercover is pretty high up there (i mean pig tails crop top BK .......) but it looks like siren will take the crown once she drops....

i showed my anti(kpop) friend the intro:escape video and she said it gave her the creeps in a good way and ever since i have gone mad wanting a horror concept omfg

9. If you could tell A.C.E one thing, what would you tell them?

given that wowkwan are soft, tender, gentle boyfriends who have all my fucking uwus and therefore dont count, id say dongjun. wait nevermind these are husbands... ok junchan it is. i just love their father-son vibes

id love to see more donghun/sehyoon but only if grandpa doesnt call yoon fat or pig cause thats a big nono!!! or dongkwan cause i cant really think of any moments of them wth

how dare yall (¬_¬)

10. Which A.C.E member would die first in a horror movie?

11. Leave a small message for your fellow CHOICE!

i think its funny that everyone says jun but lets be honest.. the dumb ones usually make it longer dksdjkl

it for sure is sehyoon cause this airhead would probably get lost in his own thoughts without even noticing that he got separated from the others. the second his man BK isnt with him anymore to protect him its over for him lol

how are you all dealing with the teasers share your secrets cause im not doing so well :')

no but srsly the choice ive interacted with have been so incredibly nice and kind and patient with me and i love how this small lil fandom is so vibrant and caring both towards the boys and one another.

[possibilistfanfiction]

Tell us about your growth as a person since you've been on Tumblr. What advice would you have for your younger self? Happy new year!

alright well first i would like to tell my younger self to just fucking chill. honestly, bc things won’t always hurt so much or be so bad &, like, it’ll be cool. don’t be so pretentious, let urself be silly more, don’t punch walls bc ur mom is an asshole, just go kiss someone beautiful & know its ok. i would also tell my younger self that its ok to eat until ur full. esp in new york bc my god the food is killer. i would tell myself that ur body will still be kinda confusing but at least u will know why, so thats good. i would also send my younger self like a billion pics of stevie my beautiful sweet girl!!!!! if i could i would send my younger self the entire melodrama album & the børns song ‘i don’t want u back’ in like fall 2014 (me @me: its time to let go of this endless summer afternoon/i sleep better than every night u were lying next to me). i would tell myself that halsey is still alive in 2017 which honestly is a fucking surprise lol. i would tell myself that charli is gonna drop two (2) mixtapes in 2017 so like, be excited for that.

in all seriousness tho i would tell my younger self that ur gonna make the best friends & fall in all kinds of fucking love. ur gonna go to a mid 2000s night at babys all right bc u live in brooklyn & spend hours laughing & SCREAMING avril lavigne. ur gonna order ur favorite greek food & drink shitty wine on the floor & watch a lot of scandal & u will be rly happy. u will be sad sometimes too, u will be on the M train on the williamsburg bridge between brooklyn & manhattan & it’ll hurt to miss someone & u will cry on the subway to lorde but thats ok & real & it doesn’t always hurt, u get to go home & stevie who will lick ur tears & wiggle her little butt when u tell her ur going to take her on a walk. u will live by water, ur lips wont split when u smile like they did in the desert. u will read books u love & u will TEACH books u love! ur kids will love u bc u respect them but u also laugh w them so much, they’re profound & they’re delightful & they will change ur life. u will be stable for, like, at least 4.5 years, & u won’t self harm & u will get lots of flower tattoos & ur arm is dope & girls fucking love it. u will get to kiss people who don’t break ur heart. u will like beer, ipas, even tho u probably hate it now. u still don’t rly know what good wine tastes like but u do know what good whiskey tastes like which probably counts for something. teen vogue is gonna be so amazing ur gonna cry & even tho politics are literally such a mess rn ur gonna have so much faith in the future. lady bird is gonna come out & singlehandedly make u love film again. don’t go see shape of water on christmas tho bc she fucks the fish (important!). summer won’t always feel manic, winter won’t always feel lonely. u will still like it best tho & that’s ok too. u will have enough money to take little trips to see ur friends & u always pay ur rent on time & u work rly hard for it & tragically u will have to get up at 6 am most days but u will be a little bitch & let urself get concierge laundry. i would also tell myself to fucking inVEST in a good pair of black jeans! i would also make it v clear to my younger self that u live in brooklyn! new york city! u go on dates to the met & the museum of natural history in the snow & get to walk through central park & its fucking wild & so cool. one day after ur kids did rly well on their midterms u will be teaching a unit on the revolutionary war & who it Actually benefitted & it will be a dress down day so ur in vans & a stay home club sweater that says ‘happy alone’ on it, standing on a desk while ur kids (28 of them) shout ‘wealthy free white men’ & at that moment ur principal, ur AP, their bosses, & five other teachers from another school will walk in to watch u teach & u will just have to laugh

basically. u get to be mostly happy. u have friends that feel like family, that feel like they have always been a part of the best things u are. u will have literally the best dog in the world & she will teach u all abt how to be gentle w urself & ur rly rly good at taking care of her, which will mean a lot. lorde will put out another album.

its all gonna be ok.

[xennariel]

2017 Fanfic Year in Review

I was tagged by the wonderful @queenwinry for this 2017 fanfic meme. Thank you! =D

Total number of completed stories: Uhhh, a lot. LOL Let me go count... Okay, it looks like, including drabbles, I wrote 49 completed fanfics.

Total word count: I don’t even know. Um, fanfic wise it looks like I really only wrote about 60-75k. I wrote over 35k for original stuff though. So if we’re counting all the writing I did, it’s over 100k.

Fandoms written in: FMA

Looking back, did you expect to write more fic than you thought you would this year, less, or about what you’d expected? - I honestly expected to write more actually, but considering everything that happened to me it’s still quite a lot.

What’s your own favorite story of the year? - Beyond the Veil, Lost in a Reverie, and probably several of my one shots for Bullets and Blazes, particularly Lurid.

Did you take any writing risks this year? - Not really. I’m very tentative about writing anything too dark or out there in fear of alienating or scaring off readers. =/ I need to work on that. I did write Lurid though in an attempt to see if my horror background would be liked in the fandom. Clearly that was a no. LOL

Do you have any fanfic or profit goals for the new year? - Finish Through Eyes of Flame, for sure. It probably won’t happen, but I’m going to try. As for profit, I am definitely wanting to finish my book on Patreon and then when it’s complete, edit it up even more and publish it on Amazon.

Best story of the year? - I don’t know. Everyone seemed to like Edwin Week Day 2: Hair for some reason. I wasn’t too happy with that one, though I hate everything I write usually so that’s not saying much. lol I did like Lurid  a lot so maybe that one? I might have written a lot, but I don’t think this was my best year for fics. A lot happened that wasn’t very good so my writing suffered for it and I don’t remember which fics I wrote that I actually liked that I could say were my “best.” I guess I liked Beyond the Veil and Lost in a Reverie  a lot so I’ll go with those too.

Most popular story of the year? - As far as notes on Tumblr goes it was Edwin Week Day 2: Hair. The rest of my fics didn’t really get much attention so I don’t really know. It looks like people enjoyed His Favorite Scent judging by how many hits and comments it got on FFNet, but even that was minimal.  Oh and Operation Fake Mermaid actually got some fanart, so that was awesome. People really didn’t comment on my fics this year. Most of the fics I wrote were one shots or drabbles that ended up going into my Bullets and Blazes drabble collection and no one really reads anything I put in there let alone comments on it. So really, going by the hits and likes and comments on Tumblr, AO3, and FFNet, this was a bad year for fics for me.

Story of mine most under-appreciated by the universe, in my opinion: Everything. LOL Uh, okay, so I actually totally forgot about this one until now, but I really like this one a lot, but no one read or or liked it or anything really. Without You

Most fun story to write: Definitely Beyond the Veil and Lost in a Reverie. I was excited about both of them and had fun writing them.

Story with the single sexiest moment: Lol uhm, none were particularly sexy this year. xD I guess maybe this kissing prompt one shot and in a weird and creepy sort of way Lurid. lol

Most sweet story: Definitely Under The Twinkling Stars that I wrote for @snowywhofadesinthechaos  for the FMA Secret Santa.

”Holy crap, thats wrong, even for you!” story: - Lurid probably? It’s not nearly as “wrong” as I’ve gotten with my writing though. lol I’ve just never written anything like that for the FMA fandom before so...

Story that shifted my own perceptions of the characters & most unintentionally telling story: Hmm, I don’t... None I guess? Most of my fics were short one shots or drabbles and were all pretty minor in terms of being telling. I played it pretty safe this year with fics.

Hardest story to write: - Unbreakable Bonds. I liked this one, but the words were just not flowing easily when trying to write it.

Biggest disappointment: Everything. lol Uhm, probably Lost in a Reverie, Without You, and Under The Twinkling Stars. I worked hard on those and was excited to share them, but they were received poorly and didn’t get the hits/likes/comments I thought they would.

Biggest surprise: The fact that Edwin Week Day 2: Hair just kept getting notes while other fics I worked harder on got zilch. Also, there is a line in Under The Twinkling Stars that I thought for sure would make people emotional and have people talking about it, but either due to no one reading it or whatever no one seemed to even notice it. It was surprising to me since it seemed like the kind of thing the MamaHawk fandom would squeal over.

I’ll tag, um, @magewardensurana @rizascupcakes @icameheretowinry @lynchbrothers @onceandalwaysenglishmajor @jouissezduprintemps and anyone else that wants to do this. =)

[spentgladiator]

Year in review???

So 2017 was a big year!!! Last year i got my license and this year i got a sweet ride (thank you so much to @the-avenginator for all the help!!!!) that can get me places and places it did get me!!! I moved into a place just me and Mark!! Ugh commitment is weird. This is the first time since HS ive been consistently with someone from the beginning of the year to the end. How bizarre.

A lot of things i had always taken for granted got changed in my life this year, cat moved away and (CAT DO NOT READ) i definitely cried about it a whole bunch secretly because well. Sometimes its ok if people making the right choices for themselves makes others very sad, its very rare that other peoples decisions are meant to make you sad, even if thats a result. Its an unfortunate side effect of difference.

I saw los camp, live in Vancouver when they dropped Sick Scenes and in doing so took my very first real adult vacation, and reconnected with someone i had thought i lost forever. What a sweet and simple treasure, what a dream come true, all of it. Gareth autographed a cd for me and.... spelled my name so phenomenally wrong. Honestly? It fits so much into the god damn narrative thread of my life that i cant even be mad, only damned amused.

Coming off of birth control was very difficult. Being on it did what it always does, and made me really really sick both mentally and physically (think big angry cold sores and chronic yeast infections, something about bc DESTROYS my immune system tho i believe that the mental stress brought on by the imbalanced hormones is what really causes it yknow? Like when youre living every day in what is essentially a perpetual anxiety attack? Not healthy. Not fun. Fuck all that noise.)

My birthday party this year was possibly the best night ive ever had. It was just a few folks at my house, a big roarin fire in the pit and some inebriants. I made alfredo at like 2am and as we were all layin around on my bdrm floor all i could think is "god it feels like it used to" while cradling andrews head and trying not to cry bahaha

I got really close with scoot who turned out to be one of the coolest dudes i ever met. @co0t ily, imy, hope to see you sooooooon!!! Because he also moved away and it also made me very sad :(

I did smth im really proud of this year, i stood up to my boss who was not paying us up to labour code. It was very scary, i am not the kind of person who is very good at standing up to authority but i called her t.f. out in our work facebook group in front of everyone so that she couldnt dismiss my concerns (as she had done to other employees in the past who brought things like this up privately. However unlike the past girls i did my research and had receipts from the labour code ready) that was a day i spent 3hrs on the phone bahahahaha but now we all get paid a lot more than we used to (to the tune of, at minimum for me, $15/wk usually a lot more)

I made countless trips back home to see my mom and went to the other city to see my sibling @carlos-isnt-all-that-perfect and they stayed at my house and we played jackbox and went swimming this summer.

Speaking of this summer? Can you say BEACH DAYS??? OH MY GOD I CANT COUNT HOW MANY DAYS I SPENT AT THE BEACH THIS YEAR. truthfully? @all my beach babes...@lanternkicker and johann i dont have ur tumlr and scoot and @therealstifler all of y'all made my summer worthwhile!!!

Also lilly and i laid to waste every decent yard sale in the tri county area bahahahaha!!! Got some gr8 scores, like a bunch of good board games for like ten dollars!!

Mark and i went to edmonton to see Blind Pilot!!!!!! We were there in the city less than 12hrs, damn being working stiffs!!! It was a great trip but i get very emotional at 4am as andrew and ty would learn like two weeks later LOL!!! Mark and I also went to Callaway park and it was a BLAST!!! His friend is a higher up there and even let us use some line jumper passes on the log ride!!!!! Oh my god he was so scared!!!! Bahahahahahahaha ❤❤❤

I took my shitty little neon to the coast and back. Twice. It was a dreamy drive, all four times. Even the time i was sleeping, it was all perfect and i love the two of you so frikken much ❤❤❤❤❤❤ got thrown in a pool, left my phone at the bar, everything was so amazingly perfect.

When i got back i had a wild night out of the time stream with the softest, sweetest boy and it was an amazing night and he bought me cigarettes and i chain smoked as we wandered around the city at 4am and just talked and i love him i love him i will always always always love him ❤❤

This fall everything went completely off the fkn rails and there was some really terrible shit to trudge through. Work pretty much consumed my soul, i sprained my ankle so bad i had to be home for six days but i made the most of it and took up painting again!!! I did some cool shit im really proud of :) someone i love very much got caught up in some very terrible stuff but it all worked out in the end and everyone was safe, and very very very loved ❤❤❤

"I just love that paul giamatti lookin motherfucker" -me at countless points this year

Finally started hanging out with @mollycolliex again!!! Missed u boo!!! I know things suck, but im glad ur still around!!

Christmas was nice :) this year has been the first year in a while ive worked the same job all the way thru the year and so its nice having a guaranteed income so christmas was much easier than last year. I got super drunk at my work party but managed to not make a huge ass of myself and thats all we can really ask for bahahahahaha

Anyway i love every single person i saw this year and i love every single person reading this!!! Its been weird, but its been fun. Hope to see you all next year!!!!

[sloblesbian]

been doing a new years resolution & reflection post every year since 2014 so im gonna continue that trend. 

personally this was a really great year for me. it’s very weird. things are objectively bad. if you think too much about the future things start to fall apart. there isn’t anything to rely on, outside of my own ability, and that’s limited in what i can do without support. but. it’s not hopeless. i dream a lot of finally graduating and getting a job that will keep me more than just barely afloat, and of what that could mean for me... i won’t graduate for at least 2 year (i need 56 more credits-- i think after 2 years i’ll have 2 more classes to get in, unless i manage either some summer courses or 2 semesters of 5 classes, both of which are unlikely) and even then i know finding a job is hard. theoretically i could start now but i find it difficult to work 30 hours a week and go to school. i’m also afraid that i might make less at an entry level job than at my current job... but maybe this summer i will apply at some bookstores & libraries. 

also... i really love my girlfriend. she’s coming to stay with me for 2 weeks in march and i am so excited. it’s been a good year for us. every day i talk to her and she really understands and like, gets me you know? i am amazed and i fall in love some more. 

also i accomplished a ton in 2017. maybe not the things i set out to (i finished 1 sock that i started last november, lol, and the only short stories i read were a few online and for school) but i transferred to RIC. i only took 2 classes because i couldnt register till june but i got As in both of them and my gpa is a 4.0 which has never happened in my LIFE. i’m excited about the classes i’m starting this month, and after i finish spanish & anthropology i should only have english classes from then on out. i wouldn’t say i love my current job but it’s miles better than working in retail. it’s less stressful and while i’m generally working less hours i am making a little bit more. it feels necessary & helpful as opposed to being in an endless capitalism machine that only exists to grind me down for unreasonable standards. 

but i did read 100 books which was real touch & go for a while.. the first couple months of 2017 i barely read & felt like i had lost my ability to plow thru a ton of books, then the middle of the year i caught up & jumped ahead... fell behind, etc. i finished my last book on the 28th though. i read a lot of comics; my page count for this year is way down, but it doesn’t matter. that’s still damn impressive. 

and for things i didn’t plan at all but still accomplished: i wrote 4 pieces of fiction this year. i mean. they’re all fanfiction, which isn’t really something i even read never mind write, which i think is maybe??? sort of even more impressive? i’m going to try and write some original stuff in the coming year but like. right after nanowrimo, my friends and i, who were previously in the fictional coalition of writers who don’t write, uh, all started writing. which is great. but i mean. i started writing in february? march? i wrote a 10k word fic, and then a short follow up, a short pjo thing, and i wrote another 6000 words this month but it’s not on ao3 cause it’s like... a complementary piece to something that isn’t finished yet, lol. overall about 20k words which isn’t too much in the long run but i like that i wrote 4 completed pieces. it’s nice because i had sort of let myself give up on writing because... i mostly don’t enjoy it. i don’t like scrounging for ideas. but i do like planning things out enough, outlining what i want to happen, and then writing the whole thing. it’s like writing a list and then accomplishing it which... as u know, i love. as far as i can tell uhh most people don’t need to do this. i really have to know like. the end trajectory of a piece before i start writing. i don’t have to know every detail but if i am confused to where it’s going i can’t write it. i’m not great at ideas but i am good at making things happen. it feels nice to accomplish something creative, when i basically haven’t since i uhhh dropped out of art school. 

also, i wrote 47 reviews, which, damn! i (read: my bff & roommate mags) put up a new website, even if it is going to come down this month (i think. i wanna transfer everything first) and i wrote a review nearly every week and a lot of them were good. like. that’s a lot of writing, between fiction & what have u, what category do my dumb reviews fall under. 

(FOOD/DIET warning i dont wanna put it in the tags of the post just skip this paragraph) oh also i cut dairy & eggs (& also gelatin & honey, i guess) out of my diet, & i feel very very good about it (also i think i lost something like 20 lbs-- i don’t weigh myself but uhhh thats good thats very good). when i stopped eating meat in 2010 i lived with my mom & my intention was to one day go vegan but like... i didn’t want to put the strain on her & also i sometimes struggle with food things. but it’s gone really well. it’s nice. feel good. love to cook. very good at it. 

so like...... a really good year for me. here’s what i want out of 2018

i’m cutting my reading goal down specifically because i don’t think it’s something that can grow exponentially and i think the main reason i was able to accomplish it was because i didn’t have too much school this year. when i started setting goals for myself in 2012 my original goal was 50 books; that’s what we’re going back to.

every year (except 2016 when i was realistic) i told myself i would read more short stories & knit more. i’m hoping that having less to read (which i prioritize over all other hobbies) will give me more time. also i have a desk & a chair set up which... idk... helps? i put some knitting stuff there & grafted the toe of a sock the other day, so i hope it does, at least. i read a short story yesterday so i hope that’s a portent for 2018. i want to finish the time travelers almanac at least. i have a lot of collections and i do enjoy them. it’s just easier to get through novels than anything else. 

if u follow my twitter you have probably heard me say this but: 2018 is the year of the video game for me. im, uh, terrible at games- im fairly certain i have dyspraxia, at least mildly (im wildly, wildly uncoordinated)- but for a while i was playing a few because i had done it enough that i had gotten better..... well, this year i played persona 5, which i really loved like. more than any video game in a long time. i know a lot of people were disappointed with aspects of it (rightly so) but i had never played another persona game so i think that probably shaped my opinion some, and also, i think p5 dealt with issues that i really love to see in fiction & generally don’t, even if it ultimately dropped the ball. anyway. it kind of revitalized my interest, and i want to play more. i have p4 that i want to get through. i never finished usum. i have a bunch of games on steam & mags let me sign into their steam library too & they have about 400 games (thats not an exaggeration). i wanna replay me2&3 for sid. i want to practice so i can play games that are more difficult than i usually do. (mass effect being the sole fps i can play, usually i can only play very linear rpgs (think pokemon & dragon age) and uhhh puzzle games, god i love puzzle games) 

so, more concretely:

read 50 books

try to read more short stories

knit more

play video games

do well in school

that sounds good. happy new year.

[those-bulletproof-boys]

LOL Prince AU for Yoongi

Lol so remember that time i was all jazzed about writing a prince au for yoongi and it was gonna be long af lol that didnt happen i got discouraged and never finished it but i teased it a heck ton for yall and even tho im never gonna finish it I thought yall deserved to at least get what I had because like idk i teased it you should get a little bit e ven tho it prob wont ever get any longer. Sorry. Its really fucking long cuz I was planning on breaking it up but i cant be bothered so if youw anna read it go ahead if you dont thats ok. Love yall!! <3

Published: October 31st, 2017

Word count: ~14,459 Words

{Also I haven’t read this since I posted it and I didnt edit it obvi so like its gonna be shit just be prepared.}

“Your highness, it’s time for you to wake up.”

Yoongi squeezed his eyes closed against the sudden light that surrounded him that he recognized as the maid opening the curtains of his bed chamber. He groaned and flipped onto his stomach to press his face into the pillow that had been under his head all night.

“Your highness, I’ve been instructed to awaken you.”

The voice came again, but it sounded closer. Yoongi sighed and removed his face from the pillow before turning to look around the room and spot the owner of the voice. His hair fell into his face and he could feel his loose sleep-shirt hanging off his shoulder.

The voice itself had been unfamiliar to Yoongi, but the face was definitely someone that he had never seen before. The girl that stood 4 feet from Yoongi’s bed, with eyes as large as the mood at his sudden movements, had hair that fell in curtains around her face. Her eyes were bright and, at the moment, full of...was it fear?

Immediately, the girl fell into a curtsey, her head bowed and her hair falling over her face. “Good morning, your highness,” She said quietly.

Yoongi just looked at the girl before him. “I’m awake,” he said in a monotone voice.

The servant looked up, “I beg your pardon, your highness?”

Yoongi rolled his eyes. “Your job is to wake me up. I’m awake.” She blinked. “You can leave now,” he finished with a pointed look.

Her mouth opened and closed before she understood his words and rushed out the door. Yoongi let out a sigh before the door flung open again and the girl was back. She frantically curtsied and flew out the door again, clearly still flustered.

Yoongi chuckled as he raised his arms over his head and began stretching, pulling himself into the world of the awake.

“Ah Yoongi, good morning,” An older man called from the head of the table as servant flitted around him, bringing and taking away plates from around him, constantly.

Yoongi looked around as he walked through the doors into the elaborate dining hall. The table before him could easily hold up to 30 guests, but only 2 places were set. He made his way to the end of the room before taking his seat next to his father. “Good morning, Father,” he responded as he continued to try to rub the sleep out of his eyes.

A servant placed a large plate of breakfast foods before Yoongi and he picked at it with his fork and knife, his mind wandering to other lands. “Yoongi?” His father called.

Yoongi continued eating, not hearing the voice calling his name.

“Yoongi?” He called, a bit louder.

Yoongi’s eyes cleared and he turned to look at the man next to him. “Yes, sir?”

His father looked at him. “Is your mind elsewhere, son?” Yoongi nodded reluctantly, his eyes apologetic. “Very well, but your first lesson is in Mathematics and I would advise against such daydreaming until World Geography.” Yoongi nodded reflexively as his father swallowed the last bite of food on his plate and stood up, his shoulders broad and strong.

Yoongi stood respectfully as his father turned to him. “Good day, son,” the older man said. Yoongi watched the servants bow to him as he walked out of the room, but as soon as the door was closed, he slumped back into his seat and resumed picking at his food, dreading the day ahead.

As much as he tried to hold it back, his mind eventually began to wander as his mathematics lesson dragged on and on. Mathematics had never been his strong point, and no matter how hard he tried, he knew that it would always be one of his weaknesses, not a good thing if you’re expected to govern a country someday and deal with it’s financials.

Every since Yoongi could remember, he could remember spending his entire mornings at lessons for anything and everything, changing every day. Supposedly they were all supposed to teach him how to take after his father, the King, when he died, Yoongi couldn’t even imagine his father passing away because of the strong grip that he constantly had on the country that had grown to rely on him for everything. If he died, everything would collapse...unless Yoongi was able to take over seamlessly.  

“Prince Yoongi?”

Yoongi looked up to see his teacher waiting for his answer and his face grew red in embarrassment, knowing that his mind had travelled to a foreign land.

His teacher sighed.

The only class that could truly capture Yoongi’s attention was, contrary to his father, World Geography. Learning about the world around him and all the places, that he hoped to be able to visit someday, banished any other thoughts away, keeping his mind in place. From the moment he walked into the lesson, his teacher had his entire attention.

He walked out of that class, his last for the day, and slowly began to make his way back to his room until his sword wielding lesson in an hour. As he made his way through the castle, maids and servants here and there would stop their actions and curtsey, but none of the faces were familiar. The walk to his bed chamber blurred together and before he knew it he stood at his door, his hand on the handle.

Lazily, he turned the piece of metal under his hand and swung the door open. It took a few moments until his eyes registered the other body in the room, dusting the top of his dresser. His eyes widened at the sight, mainly because his room was always already clean by the time he came back, and he squinted, trying to see which servant had been taking so long at their job.

Her back was towards him and he couldn’t see anything except her long hair that fell down the back of her uniform. Impatiently, Yoongi coughed into his palm, trying to pull the girl’s attention towards him.

Immediately, the figure spun around, her mouth open in shock and her eyes as wide as they had been this morning. Her head dropped after half a second as she dropped into a curtsey, but Yoongi had already seen her face and recognized her as the maid that had come to wake him up that morning.

“Your highness,” Her voice cracked, clearly from nerves, “I’m so sorry, I’m behind schedule and haven’t finished with your bedroom.”

Yoongi looked her up and down as he focused on the rag in her right hand and the black smudges, presumably from his fireplace, that went up her left arm. Her head was still bowed and Yoongi rolled his eyes.

“What’s your name,” He asked as he began walking towards her.

With her head still bent, she responded in a surprisingly steady voice, “My name is Y/n, your highness.”

“Why are you behind schedule?” Yoongi asked, his voice flat.

Y/n gulped, “I–”

Yoongi interrupted her, “Look at me,” He said sternly. Slowly she raised her head and looked at Yoongi with the bright eyes that he had seen this morning, but now they shook with growing fear.

Slowly, she breathed out and started her sentence again. “I am behind schedule because I am not yet used to my chores, your highness.”

Yoongi nodded. “Are you part of the recently hired help?” he asked, his eyes studying her face for any hint of familiarity that could show that she had been here longer.

Y/n nodded, “Yes, sir, I started work yesterday.”

The boy took a step forward until he stood inches in front of y/n. Her eyes dropped immediately by reflex and Yoongi sighed. He leaned head down until his lips were centimeters from her ear as she squeezed her eyes shut and tried to turn away. “Next time, be out of my room by the time I’m done with my lessons,” He said, venom lacing through his voice as his exhaustion that had built throughout the morning was released to an innocent maid. Y/n’s head snapped up as Yoongi took a step back, her eyes wide with fear and her lips parted slightly, like she was about to say something.

“You can leave now,” He said tiredly. He watched as Y/n curtsied, her eyes back on the carpet, and walked out the door, her arm still stained with soot.

A breath made its way out of Yoongi’s mouth as he fell onto his bed, letting his eyes close and his body melt into the cushions beneath him to rest.

Another unfamiliar voice snuck its way into Yoongi’s ears the next morning. The night before, he had been up late, and now his body was cursing him, begging for more sleep. “Your highness, it’s time to wake up,” it said.

Yoongi was sure that he had never heard that voice before and decidedly pulled his blanket up over his head, efficiently blocking out the noise. “Your highness?” The voice came again, a bit less timid and Yoongi groaned.

“Go away!” He shouted in a groggy voice from under the fabric. Frantic footsteps receded into the distance and Yoongi smiled at his small victory before turning and burrowing the side of his face into his pillow again.

Abruptly, the door to Yoongi’s bedroom opened again and slow, timid steps made their way to his bed. Convinced that it was the same servant as before, Yoongi groaned before throwing the quilts off himself and pulling himself into a sitting position, a snarl on his face. His hair sat in a knotted nest on top of his head and his undershirt was untied, showing the upper part of his chest and his collarbones.

Y/n jumped at the sudden movement and stared at the boy before her with wide eyes that Yoongi had grown accustomed to. Yoongi stared at them, blinking. Apparently they had sent in y/n to wake him when the other maid could not. Seconds passed as they stared at eachother before y/n dropped to a curtsey, her eyes back to focusing on her toes.

“Prince Yoongi, I’ve been sent to awaken you.”

Yoongi blinked at the first usage of his name with his title to come from her mouth and it took him a moment to compose himself, because every servant in the castle referred to him as “Your majesty.”

“I’m awake,” He said, repeating his words from yesterday, but with less bite in his voice.

“Very well, your majesty,” She said as she curtsied and left the room.

Minutes passed as Yoongi sat, with his chin in his hands, staring at the place that y/n had stood just a little while before. Before anymore servants could tell him to get up, he stepped out of bed and began to dress for the day.

As soon as Yoongi stepped through his door, his eyes landed on y/n standing just a few feet away from the door, her hands clasped together, her eyes lowered. Slowly, she curtsied without raising her eyes. “Your majesty,” She said, her voice steadier than normal.

Yoongi closed his eyes and inhaled deeply through his nose before letting it out and opening his eyes. He raised his hand to rub between his eyes, already tired moments after waking up. “Wait until I’ve already left to go into my room to clean. Don’t wait at the door; I should never see you. Be invisible, y/n,” The prince said before brushing past her and started down the path to the breakfast table without looking back.

He’d only walked a few feet when he heard a small, “Yes, your majesty,” Come from behind him and heard his bedroom door open and close. A small smile appeared on his usually stoic face and a maid’s eyes widened at the change from a few feet away as she dusted the corridor’s ornamentations.

“Son?”

The king’s voice broke through Yoongi’s head on the third try and his eyes snapped up to his father’s immediately. The line of thought that had been traveling through Yoongi’s brain was immediately broken off. “Yes, sir?” The boy responded.

His mind had been traveling to the events of that morning, trying to piece together why he hadn’t just fired y/n when she clearly wouldn’t be able to perform her chores properly. Yoongi had never had any trouble firing insufficient help, but something about y/n restrained that reflexive reaction.

“What is it with you spacing out lately?” His father said impatiently, not bothering to continue with his previous thought.

Yoongi dropped his head. “I just have a lot on my mind at the moment. I’m sorry, Father.” The king nodded as he took a bite of food. Yoongi looked up tentatively, “What are my lessons today, Father?” He asked, curious as to why his father hadn’t assigned anything yet.

The king’s head sat, resting on his hands as he sighed. “Nothing today, Yoongi. Some things are going on and I didn’t have time to plan anything. Just study what you know, for today.”

Yoongi’s eyes widened at the unfamiliar response before a grin split across his face and he leaped from his seat. He quickly bowed to his father, and rushed out of the room, his body light and happy. Immediately, he made his way to the back doors, commonly used by the help, and ran through them, heading towards the stables. His breathing was heavy, but his heart was light and he hadn’t felt this happy or free in months.

A ragged breath tumbled from his mouth as he slowed to a walk and opened the doors of the stables. A man, tending to the horses, was the first thing in his field of vision. The man turned around, surprised at the sudden intrusion before falling to a bow.

“Your majesty, how can I help you today?” He asked, his eyes focused on the ground in front of his feet.

Yoongi’s heart continued to beat heavily as his wide eyes stared around the large building, its familiar smells filling his nose. “Where is Holly?”

The man straightened and nodded before walking down the aisle between stalls. “Follow me, your highness; she’s right this way, her morning bath has just finished and she has been eating well.”

Yoongi’s smile grew, a sight that the man was familiar with whenever a conversation was about the Prince’s horse. “Thank you for taking special care of her,” Yoongi said, bowing his head slightly towards the man in appreciation. The man’s cheeks filled with color at the kind words and continued walking.

Moments later, they both stopped before a large stall with a sign that read “Holly” on the door. Yoongi’s smile leaked into his eyes as he stared at the horse that brought him such happiness. Slowly he stepped towards the door that separated him from his animal, his face alight, and pressed himself against the bars. As if my instinct, Holly looked up from her eating to see the Prince at her door.

The stable hand stepped away, confident that the prince knew how to saddle himself up for his impending ride. The worker was always surprised to see this side of the prince whenever he came to the stables. He had heard of the fear that he struck into the workers in the castle, but every time that he had seen the prince, his face had been happy and lit with a smile; the worker felt honored to experience this side of the boy.

He turned to walk away when he heard the prince’s voice. “Thank you for taking care of her, again.” The  boy’s voice was soft, and the servant turned to see him stroking the horse's face through the bars, his eyes full of adoration.

The man bowed before responding. “It is my pleasure your majesty.”

As the man disappeared into another stall at the other side of the room, Yoongi grabbed the key that hung by the door of the stall that he stood in front of and excitedly opened the lock. Immediately the door slid open and Yoongi rushed in to embrace his equestrian friend. Instead of backing away, as most horses would at the sudden movements, Holly moved just as fast to meet the young prince.

“Oh Holly,” Yoongi breathed against her mane as he pressed his face into the side of her neck, “I’ve missed you. I’m sorry I couldn’t come sooner, Father has had me busy with Mathematics and other classes.”

Holly snorted in disgust and a laugh tumbled from Yoongi’s mouth.

“I feel the same way, but he said I have nothing to do today. Would you like to go for a ride in the forest?” A whinnie of agreement met Yoongi’s ears and his cheeks began to hurt from smiling too much.

“Sounds like a plan.”

Holly stood completely still as Yoongi did his own work to prepare her for a ride. His father would let a servant saddle his horse for him, but Yoongi preferred to handle Holly himself.

Minutes later, Yoongi was atop his house, galloping across the acres of land that surrounded the castle, reveling in the wind that blew across his face and the feeling that he was free to ride wherever he wanted.

As soon as he disappeared into the treeline, the air around Yoongi became colder, combined with the wind that was created from the speed at which he was traveling and soon he was shivering, but didn’t dare stop. Holly wanted to continue as much as he did, begging for more speed. Although the stable hands fed and washed her well, she received very little exercise, usually in the form of a walk around the property–nothing close to this speed.

The path through the trees winded on the uneven ground, but both knew it like they knew each other. Yoongi barely needed to touch Holly to get her to go in the right direction. Half an hour passed and Yoongi could feel Holly growing tired under the intense running. Slowly he began pulling back on the reigns until Holly slowed to a walk, breaths tearing out of her as well as Yoongi. The sun hours away from high noon, and the air around Yoongi, dark by the intense foliage, was cool against his sweat covered skin. Holly walked for a few minutes until they came to a familiar clearing. As usual, Holly had grown tired near the same place she always did, and after a few minutes of walking they would come upon the place that Yoongi called home more than the palace.

As Yoongi dismounted, Holly nudged him impatiently. With a smile, the boy pulled out a handful of oats, that he had stolen from the stable, from his pocket and held them out to his horse. As a safety precaution, Yoongi slid the reigns over a low hanging branch from a nearby tree. He sighed, happily, as he turned to the large tree that loomed larger and taller than all the rest. Although all the trees in the clearing were ideal climbing trees, this was clearly the king.

Eagerly, he rushed to the trunk of the tree and became enveloped in its intense shadow caused by thick foliage. He untucked his shirt from his pants and shed his heavy, royal jacket before latching his hands onto the lowest branch, almost 7 feet above the ground, and pulling himself up to that his arms held his waist even with the branch.

Although Yoongi looked slight on the outside, the intense training working with swords that his father required had created muscles that disappeared under his daily clothes but reappeared in times of need. Even apart from that training, Yoongi himself worked out, longing to be stronger. Although he knew that no one in the palace would dare to endanger his life, he had heard of citizens and commoners fighting back to soldiers and endangering the lives of other royals.

Reflexively, Yoongi pulled his right leg up to rest comfortably on the branch that he had pulled himself up to. After this, most of the branches were fairly close to each other. As familiar and comfortable as a stairway, Yoongi made his way up the tree, staying close to the trunk and stepping on branches that were sturdy and stay away from those that weren’t. He had learned the difference through experience.

A breeze flowed around Yoongi as the blanches became sparser and sparser and the trunk thinned. What had started at a 5 foot diameter had become barely 2 feet wide. The wind that blew began to make the tree sway under his feet, a feeling that he had grown accustomed to through many adventures.

A few feet later, Yoongi came to the part of the tree where all but a few branches fell away. A large branch was in front of him and easily, he took a seat on it, completely comfortable. Through the minimal leaves, Yoongi could see the forest surrounding him and in the distance was the parapets of the castle, sticking into the sky. The wind engulfed Yoongi and he lazily closed his eyes as he wrapped his arm around the tree trunk to steady himself. To his right, a 90 degrees difference compared to the castle, Yoongi knew was the people’s town. None of the buildings stuck past the tops of the trees but from knowledge of the land’s geography and the obvious gap in the trees indicated its existence.

Ever since Yoongi had first seen the town on a map, he had wanted to see it for himself, and ever since he had see it with his own eyes from this vantage point, he had longed to walk its streets.

Time passed and soon the young princes hair had become a complete nest by the wind and the sun stood at high noon in the clear sky. Reluctantly, Yoongi began making his way back down the tree to the ground, hating every step from this safe space. Although getting out of the castle and into the forest was uncommon, he came here almost every time to clear his thoughts of the royal affairs that constantly hung over his head.

Although slightly out of breath, Yoongi felt relaxed as his feet hit hard-packed dirt. Immediately, he felt something tug on his hair and turned to see Holly walking behind him to follow his head and nibble his hair affectionately.

“Holly!” Yoongi laughed as he tried to reach behind himself and pull his locks free from her mouth. She only nickered in response and Yoongi giggled as her lips brushed against the back of his neck, touching the tickling part of his body. A laugh spilled out of his lips and he pulled out of Holly’s grip. He pulled the horse into an embrace with a smile on his face.

Languidly, Yoongi pulled himself into the saddle after feeding Holly another handful of oats. At a slower pace than they had traveled at on their way there, they set off to go back to the castle.

An hour later, Yoongi slid off the back of his ride and stood beside her heavily breathing frame. “Good girl,” He cooed at she led her to the closest stable hand, a familiar face, and handed her off to have a wash and be fed well after a final farewell kiss from her prince.

Relaxedly, the boy made his way to the front of the castle and walked through the door that were held open by a pair of guards, seemingly ready and waiting for his arrival.

As soon as he had stepped through the doors, the scents of lunch wafted up to his nose and his mouth began watering. He pushed the doors to the dining hall open and his eyes grew wide at the large display of meats and vegetables along with drinks and sweets. At the head of the table sat his father, already burying his face in an abnormally large piece of meat.

“Wow, Father this looks amazing,” Yoongi said as he made his way to his usual seat at his father’s side. The older man looked up barely focusing on his son.

“Ah, Yoongi you’re here” His father asked, a drop of grease from his meat making it’s way down his chin as he picked up his cup of wine and took a deep drink, his eyes glassy, seemingly unable to focus on anything before him.

Yoongi collapsed into his seat beside the older man with a smile and took a moment to respond. “It is gorgeous today, Father, the woods are beautiful as so is the sky.”

A tiny smile grew on the King’s face and they sat in silence for a few moments, the King clearly deep in thought as Yoongi began digging into his own plate of food.

Abruptly, the king spoke again. “I must go,” he said before standing up and stepping away from his chair.

Yoongi looked up, confused. Normally, his father spent much longer at the meals than he did, arriving before him and leaving long after. “Father?”

The king nodded, ignoring the questioning tone in his son’s voice, but even Yoongi knew that something must be happening for his father to act this way. He walked towards the door and before Yoongi knew it, he was steps away as it was being opened for him.

“Father, what is the schedule for the afternoon?” Yoongi called, just a second too late as the door closed behind his father’s figure. He fell against the back of his chair, confused by his father’s actions; usually at their lunch together, he would be told his schedule for the afternoon, similar to breakfast. He couldn’t remember his father ever just walking out on him during lunch without any information.

Every blue moon, the king would let his son have a morning off, releasing him from the grueling lessons and boring interactions. It was times like these when Yoongi would explore the palace grounds in depth or spend hours with Holly or just wandered through the most secret parts of the castle, but never before had the King left him an empty afternoon. Although his mind was curious as to his father’s actions, he wasn’t about to let an afternoon pass him by.

He stood from his place at the table and began to make his way towards the door. Servants avoided him as they began to walk towards the table to clean it up, their lips loose with gossip now that the king was gone. Normally he could ignore the gossip, but a familiar name caught his ear from the mouth of a younger woman as she began to pick up the plate of ham.

“I walked past Y/n today while she was working; she’s so behind I don’t think she’s going to make it here,” The woman said, shaking her head impatiently.

Her friend, a larger woman that had begun to clear the wine glasses tsked her tongue. “What a poor child, this is so important to her.”

Yoongi realized that he had stopped mid step while listening to the women’s conversation. Before they could notice him, Yoongi rushed out the door of the dining hall, his eyebrows furrowed.

The words slowly disappears from his consciousness as he began to walk towards his room, desperate to wash up after his ride, and excited to have the rest of the day to himself.

Happiness was coursing through his veins so intensely as he opened the door to his bedroom that he didn’t even register the second person inside when he walked through, closed the door behind him, and began removing his shirt to prepare to wash up.

He curled his fists into the fabric that rested against his shoulder blades and tugged the shirt over his head so that it sat in his hands in front of his torso.

A shriek sounded from the other side of the room and Yoongi jumped before looking up, surprised. A familiar girl in a maid’s uniform stood cowering against the curtains that sat to the sides of the large window at one end of the prince’s room. A feather duster was held in one hand while the other covered her eyes.

Yoongi’s wide eyes returned to normal size as he groaned. “Why are you still here?” He said as he casually threw his dirty shirt onto his freshly made bed.

Y/n kept her hand over her eyes before curtsying. “I’m sorry, your highness, cleaning the curtains has taken more time than I expected. I’ll be leaving,” She said before curtseying again. She removed her hand from her eyes, but kept it at an angle so as to shield herself from seeing him.

“Are you done?”

Y/n looked up at the sudden words from her superior, forgetting that he was shirtless and suddenly finding it hard to figure out where to look. “Pardon me?” She asked, her voice trembling.

Yoongi sighed, “Are you done cleaning the curtains?” He scanned the room impatiently, “Or the fireplace for that matter? It looks filthy.”

Y/n’s cheeks flushed and her breathing shook. “Unfortunately, Prince Yoongi, I have not finished either of those tasks. I am still unfamiliar with cleaning your bedroom and have yet to learn how to work effectively.”

Yoongi rolled his eyes and suppressed the way that his heart jumped when she said his name. “I could have you fired, you know. Most maids we pick have already learned this by the time they start. You should’ve been done long before I got here; what did I tell you about being invisible, y/n.”

Terror flashed across y/n’s eyes as she dropped to her knees reflexively, staring straight into Yoongi’s eyes. “No, your majesty, please. I need this job, I promise that I will do better in the future.”

Yoongi’s eyes softened at the girl’s readiness to protect her station and his mind flitted back to the gossip that he had heard in the dining hall. A breath escaped his lips, “Get back to work. I hope that you’re done by the time that I come back out.” He turned on his heel and walked into his bathroom before closing the door and pouring the already prepared and properly heated water into his tub. He finished stripping before stepping into the water and washing all the thoughts scattered around his head away.

As the time passed, Yoongi heard y/n’s actions in the other room through the door. At first he could hear her trying to get the dust off the curtains and moments later would hear the clang of a metal poker hitting the metal fireplace grate.

Although his bath was normally silent, the noise from the other room was unusually enjoyable, trying to guess what she was working on based on the different sounds.

Yoongi sighed contentedly as he fastened the front of his new undershirt closed and pulled a new jacket over it after stepping from his bath and pulling on trousers. His hand reached out to grab the handle of the door to his bedchamber but hesitated. Seconds passed as he stood, waiting for any sounds to indicate that y/n was still in the room as he knew that the sounds had stopped a few minutes ago. Finally, he turned the handle decidedly after taking a deep breath, and strode confidently through the door.

His eyes scanned the room, expecting to see y/n somewhere, dusting something, but instead only saw a flash of a skirt whisk through his main door and heard the door close.

Refreshed, he walked over to his window overlooking the garden and pondered what he could do for the rest of his rare free afternoon.

Yoongi’s hand wrapped around the knob of his door and he pulled on it, opening it reveal the hall in his wing of the castle. He scanned the hall around him and breathed a sigh of relief when he saw that no one else was there.

Slowly, the prince walked down the corridor before turning down a hall and following the familiar path to a bedroom that sat unused in the opposite wing of the castle. The dining hall, his father’s bedchamber, Yoongi’s bed chamber, and the servants quarters were all in the west wing, and when he wanted alone time, Yoongi tended to either go to the forest, the stables, or the east wing.

His boots made no sound as he walked down the carpeted hall that he knew ran parallel to the face of the palace. If he was to peek into one of the many bedrooms on the right side of this hall, a window would sit across from the door and show the gardens that sit behind the Palace, but one of these bedrooms was not where Yoongi was headed. Occasionally, though, as he walked, he would hear the whispered voices inside one of these rooms. His excess of his time allowed him to stop and listen whenever he heard anything he wanted to listen to. Usually, the voices would just be complaining about their lack of a love life or how much their back ached from cleaning fireplaces, but at one point, he heard his own name.

“I can’t believe y/n has been sent to wake up the prince two days in a row,” The voice said, annoyance clearly lacing her voice.

Another, lower, voice was introduced, an equal amount of distaste evident. “Isn’t it like her first week working here? Who decided that as her job; I’ve been working here for years and I’ve only seen the prince’s face in passing.”

A gasp sounded from the woman with the higher voice. “You’ve seen him up close? I’m almost always stuck in this wing of the palace or in the basement, I’ve only seen the back of his head since arriving here two years ago,” The first woman whined. “That lucky bitch, it’s probably because she’s so youthful and pretty.”

“I’m youthful and pretty,” the deeper voice spat under her breath “The head maid is probably just giving her special treatment because of her mother.”

A sudden whack sounded and the lower voice whimpered. “What was that for?” It asked, clearly confused as to what it did to deserve this treatment.

“Shh,” The higher voice responded, wary of something. “We’re going to get in trouble for talking like that; we’re not supposed to know about it.”

“Well you didn’t tell me it was a secret when you told me.”

“You idiot, let’s just get back to work,” The woman with the higher voice responded, obviously not wanting to continue the conversation anymore.

Reluctantly, Yoongi turned his ear from the room that contained the two women and looked around the still empty corridor. He began walking again as he mulled over what he had just heard.

Two turns later and Yoongi stood in front of a lone door at the end of a short hallway. Tentatively he looked around him to confirm that none of the servants that continuously travelled around the castle were in sight before pulling the door open and ducking inside. He turned and gently pressed the wooden door back into its place until a soft click echoed around the room to notify the prince that it was closed again.

A breath floated out of his voice as he closed his eyes and breathed in the smells of the familiar room. Excitedly, he turned away from the door and scanned the room around him.

It was a relatively large room with couches scattered around the closer half of it. Amidst the couches were singular chairs to fill spaces and a few tables to set tea or plates of delicacies. In the second half of the room were various stands for sheet music and musical instruments scattered here and there, currently silhouettes because of the sun shining through the wall of windows behind them as it slowly made it’s way to it’s daily grave. Yoongi squinted as the bright light bounced off the white sheets that covered all of the furniture around the room.

Slowly, with his hand shielding his eyes, he walked through the various seats around him until he passed the midpoint of the room and began to walk among musical stands. The vast majority of instruments themselves were stored in another part of the castle and well looked after daily, but their stands and seats stayed in this room for conveniency.

Yoongi continued pulling himself through the room until he came to a large object, barely a few feet in front of the windows, completely covered in a white sheet; however, he didn’t need to uncover the object to know what it was. Through a multitude of visits to the West Wing, Yoongi had found this room to be his favorite place inside the castle.

His hand fluttered up to barely brush against the fabric. A small smile began to spread across his face; after moments of his hand hovering just above the object, he collected a fistful of fabric and pulled it upwards and towards him, causing a cloud of settled dust to be released into the air.

The sudden contrast of black against the white fabric that had been laid on top of it, combined with the warm yellow-orange light that was coming through the windows, as sunset approached, took the Prince’s breath away.

Impatiently, Yoongi rushed to take his seat on the small stool that sat in front of the grand piano. His breath rattled out of him at the comfort of his first love that he hadn’t seen in months. Hesitantly, his hands fluttered inches above the ivory keys as he sat, unsure of where to start again.

In a spontaneous motion, he pressed his naturally spaced fingers down onto their respectful places to create a chord. He breathed a sigh closed his eyes as he let the sound flow around him and echo off the walls of the large empty room.

Habitually, his hands began to move up and down the keyboard as his eyes fell to watch them move across the ivory. Chords and melodies floated out of the closed lid as the music was created on the strings and the notes bounced around the room.

Delighted by the rhythm that he was able to attain after months without practice, a smile spread across his face before he stilled his hands in thought, pondering what song he could play all the way through.

Immediately his hands rested in their starting places for Passacaglia in D minor. With just enough force to create a clear sound, he pushed his hands onto the keys in front of him and began to play. If the chords that his hands had created moments before had been evening sunbeams and new violin color, this song was the beginning of twilight and marble busts. The dark emotions portrayed in the notes gave Yoongi chills even as he played it years after he’d learned it.

Reflex began to take over as he fell into the rabbit hole of piano, his hands moving there they needed to without his command. His eyes closed and he only opened them to peek at his hands during an especially technical part.

His body felt like it was covered in a large warm blanket that the Prince was familiar with: the blanket of creating music. Whenever he played, his head felt lightheaded and his body felt warm and comforted physically, like the music notes were wrapping around his frame and producing heat.

So focused on the music that he was creating, Yoongi failed to hear the sound of the door being opened. Drawn by the unfamiliar sound of music flowing through this wing of the castle, Y/n had followed the sound to the end of this hall. Reluctantly, she had pulled the door open and walked in to see a boy sitting at the piano.

Having cleaned this room yesterday, Y/n was familiar with the layout, but she had not seen the piano uncovered at the time when she had been instructed to dust the tables.

The piano was still closed, but the sounds being produced from it were just as strong as they would normally be, and just as beautiful as the boy making them.

The sun had really begun to set within the past half hour and the golden light that flooded through the window encompassed the figure that sat with perfect posture in front of the piano. Their silhouette had a halo of light around them and y/n’s breath caught in her throat as she saw them. Unconsciously, she pulled her body towards the music, making her way through the room silently.

As she came closer, Y/n began to be able to distinguish features of the boy before her. His hair sat, slightly curly, in a short black mop; it looked damp but messy. His eyes were closed, and his eyelashes rested gently on the top of his cheekbones which stood out prominently on his pale skin.

His clothes had been drowned in darkness, but as y/n grew closer, she began to be able to distinguish the buttons and facets of his jacket. Her eyes strained to see the details of a small metal ornament on the left side of his chest; she was still multiple feet away, out of Yoongi’s field of vision and his eyes were closed.

She inched forward until she could make out the details of the metal piece and the rest of his jacket. When she did, she gasped and fell onto her knees, her forehead pressed to the floor.

Startled by the sudden sound, Yoongi looked around to see a servant, kneeling on the ground, in front of him with her face against the carpet and her hair splayed around her. He jumped to his feet, shocked by the sudden presence of someone else in the room and shouted.

“What are you doing here?” Yoongi bellowed. The figure on the floor flinched and began shaking. “Why didn’t you make your presence known? Why did you even come in here?”

When the prince’s voice ceased, his ears registered the sound of crying. He looked down at the small frame and realized that the servant was just a girl.

Seconds passed as Yoongi tried to regain proper breathing. When he had counted to 10 and his breath had returned to normal, he stepped forward until the tips of his shoes were inches from the hands of the servant. “Stand up,” He said, his voice calm and steady.

Immediately the cries of the girl grew louder. “Please your highness, I just followed the music I didn’t know that it was you until I got closer,” A small wobbling voice traveled through the hair that shrouded the figure’s head and reached her superior’s ears.

Yoongi crossed his arms over his chest. “Who are you,” He asked straightforwardly.

“Please, your high–”

“Who are you?” Yoongi shouted, his patience wearing thin. “Just tell me and I can figure out what to do with you!” Nothing in response. He sighed and resorted to another approach. “If you don’t tell me who you are, I’ll fire you right here and now.”

Immediately the figure shot into an upright position, still on her knees. She frantically brushed her hair out of her eyes and looked up to meet the Prince’s. “My name is y/n, Prince Yoongi, I am the servant that cleans your bedchamber. Please sir, you’ve met me multiple times and every time you have, you have seen my hard work, despite my lack of knowledge. I will become better.”

At the first moment of looking into her eyes, Yoongi had recognized her. His mindset of “firing this servant no matter what” changed as soon as he saw her.

He eyed her carefully, running over the event that happened just moments before. “How close were you when you heard the music?” He asked as he looked her in the eye.

“Pardon?” She asked, confused by the question. Yoongi was about to open his mouth to repeat the question when she understood his query. “Oh! Um, I was cleaning the room at the beginning on the hall and heard it only when I had walked back into the hall when I had finished; I couldn’t even hear it from inside the room.”

The prince breathed a sigh of relief and sat back down on the piano stool, brushing the hair that usually rested over his forehead backwards. Y/n waited, holding her breath, for the prince word that was law.

Finally, Yoongi tilted his head down to look at y/n and waited until she looked back at him. He couldn’t believe he was doing this when he had fired every other servant that had walked in on his playing; this girl was getting under his skin. “Do you promise to take what you’ve seen and heard tonight to your grave?” Yoongi asked, his voice low and serious as he tried to convey the importance of this to him.

Y/n’s eyes widened and her mouth opened slightly as she took in the words of her prince. Seconds passed as her brain worked to compute what he had just said to her until she finally understood, “Yes, Prince Yoongi. Of course I will.”

Yoongi flinched. “I will let you continue with your regular chores around the castle if you do that for me and one other thing,” He said slowly.

“Yes, of course, anything!” She responded as she rose to her feet and stared at the boy before her, paying attention closely.

He spun on his feet to face back to the piano before closing the fallboard over the keys and gathering up the sheet that had been on it before he had walked in. Patiently, he spread the fabric over the instrument until it was in the same state as it had been before his arrival. Y/n stood, waiting, for his response as she watched his careful and methodical actions.

Abruptly, Yoongi turned from the now covered piano to face y/n again. The sound of his footsteps were absorbed by the carpet as he made his way closer and closer to y/n. He was about to pass by her left side when he stopped, their arms right next to each other.

For the first time, Yoongi’s voice was unstable as he spoke to y/n. It didn’t sound like it was from fear or worry, but like he was shaken by something. Y/n held her breath as she waited for the Prince’s words to wash over her.

Yoongi didn’t even turn his eyes from the door in front of him as her spoke. “Don’t call me Prince Yoongi. I am your Majesty; refer to me as such,” He said, his voice wavering slightly despite his superior position. Without waiting for a response or looking back, he opened the door, walked through and closed it behind him, the sound of which echoed around the nearly empty room as a single girl stood, frozen, next to the grand piano.

Anger bubbled inside of Yoongi’s stomach as he practically ran through the west wing of the castle. Voices cut off as soon as they heard his footsteps in the hall, but he saw none of the heads sticking out of the doors once he passed with quizzical expressions on their faces, eager to gossip about the possible causes for his actions over dinner.

He stopped at the door of his bedroom, tempted to simply spend his evening in there, but was interrupted by his stomach growling, begging for food. Although he hadn’t noticed it before, Yoongi wasn’t surprised by this revelation. Ever since he had been a child, playing piano had caused hunger to arise in the young prince.

Defeated, he turned away from his bedroom door and began to slowly make his way down the main staircase to the door on the dining room.

As he walked through the door that was opened for him, giving him a walkway into the room, Yoongi’s eyes reflexively took in the spread, but stopped when they landed on his father. He sat, papers strewn about his place, with his head in his hand and his eyes wide as if the king was forcing them to stay open.

Yoongi was shocked at the sight; his father never brought work to the table. By dinner time, all of his papers were finished and gone, not to be seen until the next day. Clearly something was happening that was causing mayhem in the older man’s daily routine.

Slowly, Yoongi walked forward to take his place beside his father, a servant placing a plate of food in front of him as soon as he was seated. The king didn’t even look up at the new arrival as he continued to stare at the papers around him and take a small bite of the food from his plate.

“Hello, Father,” Yoongi said, trying to start a conversation as he began to consume the food in front of him. The man in front of him jumped before looking up, his hand on his forehead, barely registering his son before him.

“Oh, Yoongi, you’re here.” His voice was flat and emotionless as his mind was clearly elsewhere.

Yoongi’s eyebrows furrowed as he scanned his father’s. “What’s wrong, Father?”

A sigh pulled itself from the King’s mouth and Yoongi’s heart ached to see him like this. Slowly, the king shook his head, clearly not willing to tell his son the woes of his heart.

Yoongi saw this action and clenched his jaw, annoyed that his father didn’t trust him enough with stress-causing information when he was next in line to the throne. “Father,” Yoongi said, a bite in the edge of his voice cutting through the stress that was strung between them

The day that had been meant to relax Yoongi and distract him from any other happenings had gone south. He had gone down to eat dinner with his father, tried to maintain a conversation and failed. Eventually he created an excuse that he had been busy all day and was extremely tired; somehow, his father had bought it.

Stars had already begun to appear only a short time since the sun had receded below the horizon. After leaving the dinner table, Yoongi had rushed to the hidden stairwell that wasn’t very hidden and raced up it until he reached the door that lead to the roof of the castle.

When he was stressed or confused, the prince tended to come up here at night to stare at the stars and let his thoughts into the dark and empty night sky. Usually the thoughts were scattered, coming from dozens of problems that had been building up until he could come to the roof and let them out, but this time they were all based on one person that wouldn’t leave his mind.

“Y/n,” Yoongi said into the atmosphere, more than a little bit of annoyance in his voice.

Abruptly, the prince sat up and rested his forehead in his hands. Why hadn’t he fired her? She’d given him enough reasons to, such as being behind schedule and going into rooms she wasn’t supposed to, but Yoongi couldn’t stand the thought of sending her away from the palace.

“She said herself, she needs to stay here,” Yoongi whispered to himself, trying to justify his actions the past few days, “You’re just helping her.”

However, this justification only led to more questions without answers. Why was he helping her? He was the prince and she was just a servant, he didn’t owe her anything.

Usually, Yoongi would spend hours on the roof, mulling over everything and letting his thoughts surround him until they became wisps of smoke and floated into the night, but tonight he couldn’t. Lingering on these questions was only serving to confuse him more and they felt like they were becoming solid instead of turning to smoke.

Impatiently, he rose to his feet and dusted himself off until his jacket was back to its original state. He turned to open the door to the staircase and walked through it, his feet making loud noises as they fell heavily on the wooden steps. As he neared the floor that he would exit at, he slowed and reduced the noise he was creating. Carefully, he pushed open the creaky wooden door that opened into the large corridor that connected to his bedroom’s hallway.

Although he had been determined to leave the thoughts on the roof, his brain continued to pick apart pieces of information and desire more pieces of the puzzle. He turned, his back towards the corridor, and gently pushed the door back into it’s place. A rustling of skirts startled him and immediately, he turned to see the maid that had created the noise.

She was older, and looked familiar. Yoongi assumed that she had been working at the palace for a while, mainly because the only time when servants were hired was at a young age or with credentials. The rustling had been made as she had lowered herself into a curtsey.

“Your majesty, is there anything I can help you with?” Her voice was soft and kind like a mother’s and Yoongi’s shoulders relaxed.

His reflex was to dismiss her without a thought and walk back to his room by himself, but a thought popped into his head. Hesitantly, he opened his mouth to respond, “Um, yes, actually.”

The maid looked up, her eyes wide in anticipation, waiting for his request.

Yoongi wrung his hands, wondering how to ask this bizarre question. “A-Are you familiar with a y/n? She was hired recently?” His voice stuttered as he asked the slightly awkward question to the servant.

A small smile spread across the woman’s face. “Yes, your majesty. I was the one that trained Ms. Y/n; she’s a bit of a slow learner, but I assume that after a few more days, she will become invaluable to this household.”

Yoongi stood, leaning against the door that he had just walked through, nodding as the woman talked. When she finished, his brain rushed, looking for another question. “What is her background? Why did she come to the palace?”

The maid looked down at her hands, the smile dropping from her face in seconds. “I only know a little bit of her background, your majesty. I know that almost all of her family died in the sickness that swept the country when she was a child, and that her mother is bedridden with another sickness; she plans to send almost all of the money she makes here back to her mother so that she can be taken care of. Ms. Y/n really loves working here.”

Yoongi finally understood what y/n had meant when she had told him that she needed to be here. The sudden reminder of the plague that had swept the country, years ago, made Yoongi shiver, his legs threatening to give way as he remembered his own repercussions from those days.

“Your majesty are you ok? Would you like me to escort you to your bedchamber?” The maid stepped forward, alarmed at the physical appearance of this prince. His normally pale skin had become ghost white, and his eyes went from focused to unfocused easily.

Yoongi blinked, pulling himself back into reality. Carefully, he pushed himself off the door behind him and into a standing position. “I’m fine,” He said, not looking at the woman before him.

She looked like she was about to step forward and help him anyway, but thought better of it. “As you wish, your majesty,” She said before curtsying and walking briskly in the opposite direction of Yoongi’s destination.  

The boy listened to the receding footsteps, waiting until they went behind a corner, to reach out and hold himself up. Thoughts of the plague had been repressed and avoided for years, but now images, voices, and memories that he had no desire for popped up.

Desperate for relief, he rushed forward, his feet pounding on the floor beneath him, down the corridor and down a hallway until he came to stand right in front of his bedroom door. The familiar guard that stood outside looked at him concerned, but the prince only shook his head before pushing his way into his own space and closing the door behind him, effectively blocking out the world around him.

All at once, the darkness that had surrounded Yoongi all night lifted to a bright morning light. A groan pulled itself from his throat as he pulled the blanket around him up over his head, refusing the inevitable.

“Your majesty, it’s time for you to awaken,” An unfamiliar, strangely high, voice cut through the silence. The sound caused Yoongi to wince it’s sharpness. Hoping it would just go away, Yoongi laid still.

“Prince Yoongi?” The high voice continued, but Yoongi’s eyes flashed open. Another newbie.

Impatiently, Yoongi sat up, causing the servant to jump before turning to her superior and bowing. “Prince Yoongi, good morning!” The voice said, unusually cheerful so early.

Yoongi reached up and rubbed his nose beside his eyes, wearing thin so new to the day before him. The young girl looked up confused. “Prince Yoon–”

His patience snapped. “Get out!” Yoongi bellowed as he pointed towards the door. The servant’s eyes grew wide, but she didn’t move. Infuriented by her incompetency, Yoongi’s temper wore through. “You’re fired!” He shouted, pulling himself up to his knees, causing him to be taller than the servant that stood before his bed.

Tears began falling from the girl’s face, but Yoongi just stared at her, continuing to point at the door until she finally gave it and ran away, her face in her hands.

Aggravated, Yoongi fell back onto his mattress and pressed the heels of his hands against his eyes, trying to rub away annoyance for how the girl had acted. Although this kind of action wasn’t unusual, Yoongi still reflected on it during the time he spent laying in bed, as still as a rock.

Quietly, the door to the prince’s room opened, barely making a nose against its hinges. Light footsteps padded against the floor, but Yoongi just squeezed his eyes closed, behind his arm that was now flung over his eyes as his blankets sat in ridges around him, and tried to ignore them.

The footsteps slowly made their way closer until he could hear them stop at the foot of his bed. “Your highness, I’m afraid that it is past the time for you to be awake.”

Immediately, Yoongi’s eyes flew open at the familiar voice. He sat up suddenly to look straight at y/n standing in front of his bed, her eyes on the floor, and her hands clasped.

“I see that you’re awake, your highness,” She said, her voice low and monotone, “I’ll leave you now, trusting that you can get out of bed by yourself.” Her voice sounded cautious and devoid of emotions.

The prince sat still, tempted to say something to y/n and pull her from her state of being frozen towards him more than normal, but decided against it as his hand fidgeted, longing to reach out.

“Thank you, y/n,” Yoongi responded against his better judgment, his voice as low as his eyes as he looked down at the bunch of blankets on his lap.

Without another word, y/n dropped to a curtsey before turning and striding out the door and closing it with sufficient force. Stilled by the sudden events, Yoongi couldn’t move. Curiosity was bubbling inside as he tried to figure out why y/n had been brought in to wake him up as a back up.

Gradually Yoongi stood up next to his bed and walked over to his clothes before dressing.

When he was finished buttoning the last button on his jacket and had done his best in pulling his hair into place. Lazily, he began walking towards the door, slowing when he heard voices talking outside of it. They were quiet and could only be heard from very close to the door, but they were there; Yoongi stalled his footsteps and quieted his breathing, trying to listen to the conversation.

“Why did you get y/n when Jess ran out crying?” A high pitched voice asked.

A deeper voice responded, “We can’t leave the prince unattended. For months, it would like multiple tries every morning to get him up, but in the past few days, he’s up as soon as y/n walks out of the room; however, from what I can hear, she says the same things as anyone else.”

“I don’t understand, what’s so special about her that Jess would be fired one minute and y/n come out unscathed the next?” the higher voice inquired, growing impatient.

A sharp gasp came from the other voice.

“What, what,” the high pitched voice said excitedly.

“Do you think,” The deeper voice said, slowly decreasing in volume, causing Yoongi to lean closer to the door, “something is going on between y/n and the prince?”

Yoongi bolted into an upright position, prepared to fling open the door right away when another response came from the higher voice. “Don’t be ridiculous; he’s a prince, she’s a servant, it’s absurd.”

Nodding, Yoongi stepped away from the wall that he had been pressed against, and grasped the door handle before him. All at once, he pulled the door open, causing the two women behind it to jump into their places and curtsey to the floor embarrassed.

“Y-Your hig–” The two women began their greetings simultaneously, but Yoongi pulled his face into a stoic expression before brushing past the women; They turned to watch him go before, without looking back, he flicked his finger towards the hallway to their right that contained a servant’s’ passage.

“Back to work, women. Less gossip tomorrow morning, please.”

Without uttering another word, Yoongi heard the women’s rushed footsteps retreat down another hallway, soon disappearing as he walked in the opposite direction.

Not in the mood for a large meal, Yoongi arrived at the doors of the dining room, but stalled outside. A few moments passed as he tried to decide whether or not to enter. He heard the boisterous voice of his father calling to servants through the thick wood and knew that if he entered, it would not be a short visit.

Decidedly, the prince turned from the wooden doors and began walking down a clearly less decorative hallway. Although the lessons that his father planned anew everyday were hard to find an order in, the one thing that was consistent was a Math class, first thing in the morning, every other day.

Slowly the undecorated hallway split off into an even smaller passageway with no embellishments on the walls. The walk was familiar, but not something that he was completely unaccustomed to. On the days that a full breakfast or a run in with his father felt like too much, Yoongi took this path as an alternative

Multiple turns and one flight of stairs later, Yoongi arrived at a simple door with loud noises making their way through it. Timidly, Yoongi reached out and knocked on the door, having learned that knocking yielding a safer result than just entering.

Barely a second later, the door flung open to reveal a woman with a kind face and an apron around her waist. When she recognized the boy before her after a moment of taking in his appearance, she immediately fell to a curtsey. “Good morning, your majesty.”

“Good morning, cook,” Yoongi said as he gave her a small smile.

Cook rose from her curtsey and scanned the prince, taking in his slight frame. “My, my, why are you so thin? Have you been eating the food at the dinner table properly? Why are you down here instead of up at the table i prepared so nicely for you and your father?”

Yoongi looked at his feet, feeling sorry for neglecting Cook’s meals the past few days. Although his adventures to the kitchen were few and far between, Cook always held a soft place in her heart for the young prince. “I didn’t want to have a run in with my father and wasn’t especially hungry. Do you think you could fix me up something small and fruity instead of hearty?”

Cook frowned at the simple request of a meal, but nodded all the same before opening the door even wider and pulling the boy over the threshold. Immediately, the sounds of the kitchen surrounded Yoongi. From one corner of the large cooking area, an oven door slammed shut, while from another a knife hacked away at slabs of meat.

“Hey, don’t cut the meat too thin!” Cook yelled to the latter corner of the room. A chorus of “yes, ma’am” returned to Yoongi and Cook’s ears a second later and Cook looked content.

Yoongi followed the older woman to the back of the room where a solitary table and cooking station sat, empty. He pulled a familiar stool out from under the table and sat upon it as he watched Cook roll up her shirt sleeves like he had many times before.

After setting her work space into order and pulling some ingredients out in preparation, Cook turned to Yoongi and rested her elbows on the table to look at him. “What do you want for breakfast today, your highness?”

Yoongi had told Cook to stop speaking formally to him after his first few visits to her kitchen, but even though she had stop most of the formal actions, she still curtsied at his appearance and referred to him as Your Highness.

Yoongi pretended to ponder, something he had already done during his walk to the kitchen, dreaming up everything impossible, knowing that Cook would make it possible.

Moments before arriving at the door, Yoongi had decided on his soon-to-be breakfast. “I want a berry tart with lemon glaze, cook. I’m dying for something sweet and sour,” You said, his eyes sparkling with desire.

Cook laughed and readjusted her apron. “Something so simple? Your requests are usually a test of my ability; are you sure that’s all you want?” Yoongi nodded and Cook smiled before walking away to gather the ingredients she would need.

As he waited, yoongi scanned the room around him watching the busy lifestyle of the people that worked to produce the food at sat daily on his table. More than a few of them would cast furtive glances in his direction and whisper behind hands to someone beside them.

Every time that Yoongi made his way to the kitchen below the palace floors, glances were always thrown at him, silently asking why he was there instead of in him elaborate dining room. No one had ever actually said anything to him, no one would dare, but Yoongi could translate the looks in their eyes well enough.

Suddenly frustrated, the young prince turned back to the workstation that he sat at. Gently, he rested his elbows on the wooden tabletop and looked to the side to see Cook rummaging through her storage for the right berries and the best flour for a flaky crust.

Minutes passed with Yoongi playing with the small amount of ingredients already on the counter before him. A few eggs rolled back and forth from one of his hands to the other, but he withheld his desire to attempt to juggle them when he knew that they would just fall and break. Finally, Cook came back her arms laden with fruit and other ingredients.

“Sorry it took so long your majesty,” She said, as she bowed her head. Yoongi shook his head, silently telling her that it wasn’t a problem, but still looked at her expectantly.

Cook sighed and looked at the boy before her with a grin. “Is it an eating or learning day today, your highness?”

Whenever Yoongi found time to return to the kitchen, the visit was one of two types. On days in which he was in a hurry, he let Cook make the dish herself without any interruptions; it was made fast and in his stomach just as quick. However, on days that Yoongi had more time or was willing to sacrifice his schedule, Cook was accommodating and would help him learn to make the dish by her side, hands on.

Yoongi pondered the options. Although he knew that his math lesson was soon, and his stomach begged for quick relief, Yoongi looked up at Cook and responded with, “I’d like to learn today.”

Cook nodded and began separating the ingredients into two identical sets. By the time she had finished, Yoongi had washed his hands and pulled on the small apron that Cook left around just for learning days.

Immediately, cook set to work, starting to organize and combine her ingredients. Yoongi watched for a second before falling in step behind her and working at a good pace, a step behind Cook at all times, looking ahead at what she was doing while simultaneously performing his own action.

Slowly, they combined their respective amounts of butter and sugar and other ingredients to create a mixture of wet ingredients. Cook looked over to watch Yoongi’s slow and methodical hands performing his actions and critique when needed. After the wet ingredients, they both worked on the dry ingredients, succeeding in creating a few dust clouds, mainly from Yoongi’s bowl, and making their black aprons partially white with handprints and “splashes” of flour here and there.

Although Yoongi’s bowl contained significantly less flour than Cook’s, most of which could be found on the work surface or on the floor, they progressed to the next step anyway and slowly combined their wet ingredients into their dry ingredients.

Slowly the time inched by until the tart pans sat hot on the countertop, golden brown around the edges and warm in the middle. Ignoring the ticking clock on the wall, Yoongi impatiently pulled out a small knife and began cutting into the tart that sat, tempting him.

The crust was sliced easily and soon a large slice sat on a small white plate, in Yoongi’s possession, waiting to be devoured. Hesitantly, he picked up a fork and cut a bite sized piece away from the rest of the sweet. He stabbed it, hunger threatening to take over, and pushed it into his mouth.

He smiled as the tart berries exploded in his mouth and sighed in contentment as the crust fell apart in flaky pieces. “Cook, this is amazing,” He said, his mouth half full of pastry.

Cook turned away from the oven to set the other tart beside the one that he had just taken a bit of. “I’m glad you like it,” she said with a smile as she looked at him, “because that’s the one you made, your highness.”

Yoongi coughed and covered his mouth to keep from getting tart everywhere. Immediately he turned to stare at the two tarts before him. They looked incredibly similar, but after a few moments, Yoongi could see the perfect pinches created by Cook’s hands on the crust of the untouched tart. His eyes widened as he looked at the one that he had just taken a piece from. Now that he knew it was his, he could see minor flaws here and there, but he was still shocked at the delicious pastry that he didn’t know he could bake.

Reluctantly, he looked up to see the face of the clock staring at him as he stood there, beside Cook, telling him that he was already 30 minutes late to his mathematics lesson.

“Oh shit,” He said, nearly dropping the plate of tart in his hand. Frantically, he placed in down on the counter before him and rushed to untie his apron before pulling it over his head.

He began running towards the door before turning to see Cook in a curtsey at his departure. “Send the rest of that to my room please, Cook,” he called before turning the corner outside the door to the kitchen and leaping up the flight of steps, two or three at a time.

From in the kitchen, slightly muffled, Yoongi heard a small “Yes, Your Highness.”

Yoongi began to retrace his steps that he had taken to the kitchen. His mind was on the Mathematics lesson that he knew he was already late for. If any of his tutors didn’t tolerate tardiness, it was his mathematics tutor, but Yoongi could care less; he would pick cooking over a lesson any day.

As his mind wandered, his feet carried him to the main entrance hall of the castle, suits of armor and tapestries lining the halls, the former seeming to be staring at him disapprovingly. His math lesson always took place on the other side of the castle, in the west wing on the first floor.

He slowed to a walk reflexively as he made his way through the entrance hall, its floor covered in a luxurious red carpet that his father continuously reprimanded him for running across. The door to the dining room, to his right, was silent and Yoongi assumed that his father had already left breakfast for his work room, filled with advisors. When the open space that surrounded him became a large hallway and the carpet underfoot changed to a dark purple, Yoongi broke into a jog again.

Doors passed him on both sides, some leading to bedrooms while others led to a library or a drawing room; all of their doors were closed except one. After a few moments, he passed an open door, sounds of annoyance flooding out of it. He passed by it at first, but curiously bloomed in his chest and he stilled. Hesitantly, he turned, looking from the door behind him and to his left, to the hallway before him, leading the lesson that he was already late for.

Cautiously, he moved his feet until he stood facing the door from which even more of a voice could be heard. “Oh come on,” it said, annoyance clear in it’s voice.

His feet moved forward without his consent, pulling him to the opening of the door, barely 9 inches wide, but large enough to look around the room with limited vision. When Yoongi stopped in front of the door, he slowly leaned forward to peer through the opening.

Across the room, holding herself up against one of the 8 foot tall windows, trying to clean as close to the top as she could, was y/n, slowly becoming aggravated with her height. Suddenly, she leaped, barely streaking the top pane of the glass, before falling back to the height of the pane second from the top. “Shit, this is going to put me behind again if I don’t pick up the pace,” she said, anger lacing her voice.

Yoongi stared at the sight of his home being cleaned. Although he knew that cleaning went on constantly behind the scenes, the more experienced maids had become proficient in keeping themselves hidden during their work, commonly by closing the door behind them after entering a room.

After recognizing who the voice belonged to, Yoongi involuntarily took a step back. His curiosity was satisfied, but he couldn’t help but think about what she was doing. Clearly she was behind schedule, again, and struggling to properly clean a room that she wasn’t familiar with.

“Ugh,” Yoongi heard y/n say. He turned to look through the door again and see y/n standing, massaging arm that had been stretching high above her head in an attempt to finish her job.

One half of himself said to turn and walk down the hall to his mathematics lesson and let her finish her job, or not, on her own, but the other knew that he’d already missed the majority of his class, and that if y/n didn’t finish this assignment, there was a good chance that her luck was out.

Without thinking, Yoongi’s feet began walking towards the door. He was surprised by himself, but once he got started, he realized there was no going back. Giving in, he pushed against the already partially opened door and it swung open, hitting the wall behind it.

Y/n jumped at the sudden sound and turned to see her superior striding towards her, a serious expression on his face. “Your highne–” Y/n started before being cut off by the prince.

“Where is another rag?” Yoongi asked impatiently as he walked straight past y/n figure that had already begun to dip into a curtsey. His comment was only met with silence. Slightly annoyed he turned to y/n, his head lolling to the side. “Listen, you’re not gonna get anything done hurting your shoulder from trying to reach the top of the window. I’m trying to help you get your job done on time; now where is another rag?”

Y/n looked up and locked eyes with the prince before pointing to a table a few feet away with a few cleaning supplies on it, unable to speak. Yoongi nodded in thanks before turning, snatching up one of the cloths before grabbing the back of a chair and pulling it to the window. After that chair was in place, he walked back to the same table and grabbed another of the same kind: simple and wooden.

When he finished setting them up, he turned to y/n and held out his hand to her still frame. “You’ve got to work with me if I’m gonna help you y/n,” He said, a hint of laughter breaking through the stoic expression on his face.

Y/n blinked before tentatively following his flitting eyes to his hand and reaching to place hers in it. Her heart was racing as he pulled her towards the chair beside him and stepped onto his own chair, prompting her to do the same. She followed his lead, slightly unbalanced, onto the slightly wobbly chair.

“There,” Yoongi said, letting go of y/n’s hand nonchalantly, “Now you can reach the top of the window.”

Y/n nodded and turned to begin to wipe the upper parts of the window clean, occasionally dampening her cloth with cleaning solution. She was slightly surprised when Yoongi turned as well to follow her lead. Thoughts ran around her head, most of them panicking about why the prince was doing part of her work with her when he was clearly royalty.

They worked side by side for a few moments before y/n turned to Yoongi, her head bowed. “Your highness, I can finish by myself. Please let me do the work.” She held out her hand for the rag that had still on the window before Yoongi.

A small smirk appeared on his face. “Y/n, you do realize that you are still behind right? I know the schedule of most maids and I can assumed that you’re supposed to be done in half an hour.” He glanced around the room, his eyes playful, “It’ll take you at least another hour to finish this room,” He turned to face her, her head lifted when he caught her, his eyes holding it up, “Unless I help you.”

“Your high-” Y/n started, but was interrupted when Yoongi gave the window beside him a final swipe and jumped down from his stool.

His back turned to her, he began dragging the chair back into it’s place. A casual look sat on his face as he twisted to face her, the rag still in his hand. “What’s left to do?” He asked, his arms folded over his chest.

Y/n stared him, knowing that his mind was set on helping her with her task, for some reason. Hesitantly, forcing herself to follow his wishes, she pointed to the uncleaned fireplace on the next wall of the room that she knew would take her the longest to clean. A smile crept onto Yoongi’s face as he turned to see where he was pointing.

“Now you’re getting it,” he said as he began to unbutton his jacket. Y/n’s eyes widened at the sudden action, her mind yelling, wondering how this action could correlate to cleaning the fireplace.

“Your highness!” Y/n yelped, jumping down from the chair that she had remained standing on, and covering her eyes. “What are you doing?”

Yoongi chuckled at the sudden actions of the maid before him and reached forward to grab her wrists and pull her hands away from her eyes. “Do you expect me to work in this stiff jacket? I could barely clean the windows because my arms are so constricted.”

Y/n blinked as the prince slowly let go of her hands and removed his jacket, revealing his white long-sleeved undershirt, slightly see through, tied at the front of the neckline.

Carelessly, he turned and threw the ornamental jacket onto one of the chairs strewn about the room and began to roll up his sleeves that sat hanging on the lower part of his wrist. Trying to remember the few times that he had seen maids cleaning his fireplace, Yoongi walked over and knelt before the grate as y/n watched from the other side of the room. He carefully reached forward and pulled the grate to the side, revealing the empty square where charred wood and ashes sat around a metal log holder.

Y/n stared at him as he sat, crouched, in front of the fireplace, clearly confused. Slowly, she turned and continued cleaning the windows. When she turned back a few minutes later, Yoongi sat in the same place as before, the grate off to the side, and his chin in his hand, clearly thinking hard.

A chuckle fell out of y/n’s mouth as she stepped down from the chair that she had been using and slowly returned it to it’s place at a small tea table. She only had the fireplace left to clean, which took the longest, and dusting to do about the whole room.

“Your highness?”

Yoongi jumped at the sudden address and turned to see y/n a few feet behind him, looking at his concerned. He rose to his feet and opened his mouth to respond. “Yes? I was just…” He stopped, not knowing how to continue.

Y/n sighed, wishing that she could send the prince away instead of worrying about his rank hovering over her every move with the ability to throw her out and any moment. “If you want to help, would you please do the dusting and I can deal with the fireplace?”

Yoongi broke into a grin, “That’s exactly what I was going to suggest,” He said, clearly trying to play off the fact that he had no clue how to handle the fireplace situation.

With a smile, he jogged over the the set of cleaning supplies that sat on the table that he had his chair from and plucked the feather topped wooden handle from the lot of items, smiling triumphantly.

He saw y/n shake her head slightly at his antics before taking his place crouched in front of the fireplace and begin to pull the charred logs into their place.

Her hair fell over her face, but she ignored it, seeming not to have seen it. Yoongi’s hand itched to replace the strand to its place at her back, falling over her shoulder blades. Chastising himself, he turned and began the work that he was using to distract him from thoughts of another mathematics lesson.

Twenty minutes passed, and Yoongi finally returned to the place that he had begun dusting at. He looked around the room at its shiny surfaces and sighed in contentment at his work well done.

Curiosity had always bubbled up in his throat when he walked passed maids carrying out their duties in the halls: he constantly wondered what their schedules and days were like.

Y/n sighed, having finished her job at the same time at Yoongi, and stood up and brushed off her skirt.

She turned, a deep breath having left her chest, to face Yoongi.

[narahalara]

hello ok i guess i should input this into this journal of mine so i can look at it years later and possibly laugh or be like wow i forgot about that LOL cause i finally fixed up my page after 2 years since i didnt use this for a good year but ive been kinda using it again lately cause i realized this is like my journal and its actually nice to see all of my old vents and stuff here haha okie here we go.

on tuesday night i was actually going through my old twitter and then i realized you actually can look at tweets from the very beginning by looking at tweets and replies soooo stupid me got bored and looked up AS’s twitter and started scrolling through his old stuff and i saw smth i should have not read from july 2017, now ofc I can be terribly wrong it could have not been about me...but i think it was because one of his friends who apparently was following my finsta that used to have so much personal shit esp about AS for the longest ass time was replying to his tweet about it... i cant remember it but it was smth along the lines of supposedly me just wanting to be happy.

And i froze. i went fucking numb. i admit i was about to cancel my tinder hangout (I don’t deem meeting up with people for the first time as dates, they are hangouts LMAO) but i was like nope thats stupid narah. this is years ago. its been 3 years. I’ve moved on. He’s moved on. He doesn’t remember me anymore. I should be free to go on and do however I please.

I also did not want to write this but, again, i must constantly reassure myself that nobody of relevance will see these rants of mine so its ok. I actually added AS on instagram a couple of days ago. Why? I think cause a part of my was just curious if I would feel ok. and honestly i was. my heart did not jump or sink. I think i only did it as a way of me peeling off the bandaids that healed my wounds just to see how my wounds were doing. were they healed? were they still bleeding? are they just scars now? i think deep down i already knew the answer, but i just wanted to be sure? anyways, he did not accept it. I know he saw it cause his follower count was fluctuating. It’s not a big deal, but I do admit a felt a slightest bit sad. I think cause when JI added me 3 years later on IG (i still remember, he added me at the end of may cause i got the friend request right after my tennis banquet had ended) and I accepted it. It just kind of hit me, I guess he really does not care about me anymore. I’m being honest, i don’t like him anymore I now in my heart I have moved on and I am a completely different person in comparison to 3 years ago and so is he. But I just felt like him accepting my request would be like this ultimate go to setting me free... i think deep down sometimes i still feel afraid to go out and “date” or explore the waters cause there is some weird underlying conscious feeling that feels like i am “cheating on him”? which makes no sense because again its just been so long. so anyways, I just wanted to write that out otherwise i feel ok.

OK wednesday I finally mustered the courage to let this awkward potato go out and meet someone via tinder without the intention of a hookup! LOL it was good, i think i am awkward but i already expected that. he was actually cute so that made me feel more nervous but he was nice and it was an interesting first time experience. i think overall i am just happy that the person was nice and i did not pass out or stutter a lot and that i did not last minute cancel like i usually do and remove them off social media and ghost them and just hope that they dont see me at 24 hour fitness (oh my lanta yes i know thats horrible i have seen my mistake and i won’t do that anymore) so yeah! this was my first time going out with a guy tbh like even with my exes i actually never went out on dates with my exes like that (lol rip i’d never tell that cause that’s weird) anywho lowkey theres obviously no love connection, which is not even the intentio anways like for me this is to get out of my comfort zone and explore and meet new people to see what i like and dont like and further improve on my skills of communication and opening up to not being afraid of being me for future endeavors lol, but he’s cute and I would be totally down to hookup with him but idk if hes into that LMAO like hes actually cute the movie was hella boring but i was trying to see if he was down for my to give him a handjob but unfortunately the seats we sat in were infront of a couple lmao we should have just gone to different seats LOL oh gosh am i horrible ? i think im just super horny like am ovulating and my hormones are fluctuating because my medication for my hormonal acne ran out so i think my hormones are thrown off and did i mention im ovulating i wanna to give someone head so badly highkey and he’s a good candidate how do i politely and respectfully ask if someone is down to hookup without sounding like a perv honestly well i will see

cause when it comes to choosing who i hook up with im highkey pretty picky? like i have two methods. either a) they stick around and text or facetime me both sexually and non sexually for a minimum of three months and i feel physically attracted to them and they are a nice person or b) they take me out and they are physically attractive to me and they are a nice person

the first option is a very complicated process tbh i tried to explain it to one guy one time and he told me it was like applying for college LMAo

so now that i finally broke that chain of fear to go out with someone via tinder i have finally mustered the courage to reply to all those other messages that i was even the slightest bit interested in but honestly im very horny :( It is actually very hard to find a combo of being nice, attractive, is willing to let me know a bit about themselves and have them ask a lil bit about me, and wants casual sex. cause i don’t want to do it with someone douchy or cocky, i feel like i’d regret it. i also want to be genuinely attracted to the person cause if i’m not i won’t enjoy it and thats not fun for either of us, i also don’t want to do it with a complete stranger, like you don’t got to tell my your childhood traumas but i personally think its nice to get to know the person whose see my in my physical vulnerability lol and finally wants casual sex (the last one is actually really easy to find, whats hard is it to find one that also checks off those other qualities)

well on another totally different note jane the virgin finished yesterday AND IM SO SAD BUT I AM SO EVER GRATEFUL FOR THIS SHOW LIKE THOSE SHOW HAS MEANT SO MUCH TO ME IT IS HONESTLY SO GOOD AND IVE BEEN SO EMOTIONALLY INVESTED IN THIS SHOW FOR A LONG TIME LIKE I REWATCHED IT 4 TIMES SO I FEEL KIND OF SAD BUT THANKFUL FOR THIS SHOW ITS SO GOOD.

and i also have an ear infection cause i think i scratched my ear too hard unknowingly in my sleep according to my sister so im actually in dire pain and i worked out my arms and abs today at the gym so im hella sore ANF oh my lanta i saw a dude that i thought was AS so my whole game was lowkey a bit thrown off but its fine i just ended up laughing with my sissy alot doing abs (we’re usually super serious but i was thrown off today but its ok) so yeah thats why i am lying in bed right now in pain writing all of this hoping that pain subsides and my ears get better

okie ends rant here.

oh wait super random that one guy who is the only person who has so far passed on his application using the first method had a snap of himself at the beach and he was half naked and i was like fuck man i miss your dick LOL ok forreal end rant here. 

OH AND I STARTED EATING CHICKEN AGAIN SO MY PESCATARIAN DAYS END HERE i guess im now pollo-pescetarian lol OK FORREAL END HERE

[limpblotter]

“Bringing Home Ham”

This is going to be a three part introduction to what might turn into a full fledged Tumblr-base Hamilton (and other musical inspired) fanfiction. I wanted to keep going but I as nearing 2000 words and decided to break it up, see how I feel…idk I had this really vivid idea how the cat and Alexander, the modern day and all sorts of stuff. So this is my take on it all. I will include rating and themes as I post. As of right now, its as safe as you can get lol. No trigger, no smut, no cursing. (Enjoy, comments are greatly appreicated and desired) Cast: Martha Washington, George Washington, Marquis de Lafayette Word Count: 1,962 Part 1 , Part 2 Setting: February 2017, New York, New York Themes: Hamilton, sitcom-ish themes, possibly other themes ___________________________________________________________ “What am I doing?” George breathed through clattering teeth. It was easily below freezing now. The snow was not light, fluffy cinematic perspiration. He was tired. A part of him could not believe he was out in the middle of winter looking for a damn cat. He had trudged through hard, crunchy snow covered sidewalks for about six blocks. He was getting less and less hopeful he was going to find this cat. Was he going to retreat? Probably, George didn’t want to catch his death…surely there was some other way he could make it up to Martha?  He paused by a dumpster near a busted street light. Perhaps it was fate working its strange ways, he convinced himself as he texted Lafayette that he was returning home without the cat. Before he could wait for a response something breezed by him. His instincts kicked in, the moment a figure brushed past him. His entire body lurched away from whatever it was before it could touch him. The figure ducked behind a dumpster and didn’t move from its shadow. “Hey!” George glared at the shadow, just as he turned back around the familiar flashes of red and blue blinded him for a second. He held his hand over his eyes as the lights died down and a figure marched out of the car. “George?” A tall, lanky looking man smirked a bit. “George Washington, well I be damned!” He brunette walked over holding out his hand. “Its been …fuck years.” It took Washington a second to realize who he was talking to. In his defense, the last time he saw this man he was a young recruit at George’s retirement party. Now he was a full fledge officer on the force. “Henry Knox.” He smiled taking the hand in a firm grasp and giving him a solid shake. “I haven’t seen you since…05? 04” He chuckled. “Patrolling?” Knox shook his head. “Yea, I got a call from the library turns out some dunce stole some books from the shelves and made out with them.” He shrugged. “Some goon kid no doubt. Really not worth my time if you ask me, but I gotta make that quota. A night in jail should shake him up.” There was a sinister smirk on the man’s face. George’s spine chilled, this was not the line of work he enjoyed. Watching as men only filled quota, not taking the time to make good judgment. Sure burglary is wrong but clearly at this level it was hardly worth scaring a boy half to death. Still… George felt his old honor egg him on to check the dumpster. Instincts told him the kid was that thing that ran by him, no doubt. “So how’s the wife and you’re little African kid.” Knox spoke casually. George’s eyes hardened. “He still part of that charity you and your lady do right?” “Martha and Lafayette are fine. Actually Marquis made the honor roll.” He paused. “He’s our home-stay transfer student from France. He’s French.” George corrected him trying hard to keep his cool. “Honor roll?” He was definitely surprised now. “Damn I should send you my kid, I can’t get him to pass a class for the life of me.” Knox rolled his eyes. “Its all about the parenting.” George smirked a bit, letting his small jab sink in. Knox’s face was no longer amused as he walked back to the car. “Well, if I see anything, I’ll let you know officer.” There was no way he was going to tell Knox now. No way no how. He watched as Knox drove off and once he was out of sight he turned to the dumpster. “Come out kid.” He commanded, crossing his arms. “I know you’re in there, some get out before I drag you out and right to that cop.” George waited patiently. Seconds later there was some shuffling as the figure came from his hiding spot. George looked down and noticed he was looking at a long haired, somewhat short…kid with olive tone skin, half lidded eyes and dressed in a light jacket probably freezing. He did notice the bag he was carrying and wondered what else he had. “Why didn’t you turn me in?” He commanded his eyes not on Washington at all. He was looking off to the side, hands in his pockets trying to keep warm. “Because I didn’t want to kid, at least not to him. I have other friends who can pick you up.” He spoke glancing at his phone. He watched as the boy started looking side to side, looking for an escape. “Stealing hm? Thats quite the crime but I have to laugh” He smirked. “What?” “Why did you steal books.” “Cause I wanted to ok? Is there a fucking problem, OLD MAN” He hissed, watching George just outright laugh at him. His light tanned face heated up in a deep red color but he made no moves to leave now. He grabbed his straps a little tighter. “Now, why are you upset?” He snickered a bit, the kid had some nerve. That was something George could entertain. He didn’t …feel like a thug. Twenty years on the force and George knew what he was looking for. The kid looked clean, he was anxious, he didn’t look like someone who was used to stealing or at least didn’t like it. “I’m not.” He looked to the side, upset, his lower lip quivering from the cold and nothing else. Nothing. Else. “Its alright you want to steal, its easy but it is also illegal…why do you want books anyway?” “None of your business, old man.” He paused for a second. George wasn’t taking him in so many he could play nice and get home before he turned into an icicle. “I don’t have a library card ok.” “Son…” George felt the laughter bubble up again. “I’m NOT your Son.” He felt his anger bubble up. He wasn’t usually angry but god he couldn’t stand being made fun of. “Look all you have to be is eighteen or have an adult, a parent or someone sign for you.” He spoke, his smile died a bit when a sudden flash of emotion came over the kid’s face. A certain…color of defeat colored his eyes as he looked off to the side again. This time not to avoid eye contact, he was looking off…somewhere to something that only he could see. “Well, I don’t have either of those requirements.” He frowned. “Dad split, mom is dead and my cousin OD’d in his bodega a week ago. So…” He shrugged. “I’m up shit’s creek without a paddle.” George scanned his face for the lie and got nothing. He was telling the truth. Washington felt something in him change as the boy spoke. “And you’ve been out here for a week? I’m sure you have other family.” He watched the teen shake his head. “Foster care?” “Yeah ok, those losers haven’t even noticed I haven’t been in school for days. I’ve been out selling what I can to get some cash to make it through the winter.” This kid wasn’t living, he was surviving. Everyday was a chance battle to find food, steal and make a profit. George saw this boy was much older than he seemed but even that couldn’t protect him from the merciless winter of New York. He could tell this kid was cold and perhaps even hungry. He was small and Washington couldn’t tell if it was natural for him or the fact he was out on the streets. With that, George took off his scarf and handed it to him. “I don’t need that.” He immediately retorted. “Why are you giving me this?” “You look cold” George answered. “And if you’re hungry my wife made roast, I’m sure there is some left over.” He held out his hand. “I can take you home, get you some food, maybe help you find a place to stay.” He could pull some strings with the police, use the search engine to find other family anywhere in the country. The kid looked at his hand and then at his face. “Catch is you give me your bag.” Washington didn’t know what this street kid had on him. He didn’t look like a thug but he had a family to protect. Whatever he had in his bag could have been a weapon or drugs. Something he would not risk Martha and Lafayette with. After a minute or two of deliberating, the teen shivered, the cold deciding it for him. He shrugged off his bag and handed it to George who found it heavy. He was a man that kept fit but the bag had to be close to seventy pounds, he noticed the straps were barely together. “What’s your name, kid?” “Alexander Hamilton.” He muttered softly, Alex looked up and noticed he had probably said it too soft and opened up his mouth again. “My name is Alexander Hamilton.” After getting his name the rest of the walk was silent and awkward. Alex was worried that he was getting into a bad situation, what if George was a drug dealer or a pedophile…but a warm bed was all he needed. He was not throwing away his shot at a shower either. George on the other hand had a lot on his mind. Like how to tell his wife he was bringing home some strange kid. Hopefully she would still be upset at him and in the room so he could have more time to think. “Here we are.” He smiled back at Alex who was looking around at the nice home. He whistled feeling a bit impressed. The door opened slowly, George turning the key so slowly that the click was muffled. Just as he managed to get it cracked open it was jerked open from the other side. “George, bless your damn stars!” Martha jumped at him, wrapping her arms around his neck. She was practically hanging on him. George quickly dropped the bag and held her up, slightly dumbfounded and entirely nervous. “What were you thinking going out there in the cold over some cat!” She wanted to hit him for being so foolish…and terribly kind. “Look George there is something I want to say…” “Me first.” He gently placed her back on her feet and backed up, from behind him Alex poked his head in and frowned. “Can we come in? I’m still freezing my ass off out here.” He moved around Washington and glanced at Martha. At first glance most people didn’t know how to take her vitiligo but Alex didn’t stare for long. “Where is your bathroom, Mister?” “Down the hall to the left.” George instructed then turned back at Martha who was left, staring at Alex as he waltzed in, her mouth opened. “I…might have lost the cat but I found a kid.” “George…” She began looking up at him still confused. “Look I know, its insane but he was homeless and cold.” He began. She opened her mouth to speak again and he kept going. “I couldn’t leave him in the cold, he said he had nowhere to go. He was stealing library books of all things. No doubt this kid has no street sense…” George couldn’t imagine how Alex managed to even survive a week out there. Martha’s eyes softened a little. “I’m going to call a favor, see if Greene can run his name or Social in the database and find him another relative somewhere… He’s got none for now…” “So we’re keeping him?” Martha smiled. “...he’s not a pet Martha. We’re keeping him until tomorrow and I’ll find him a real family, his family, he can stay with.”  

[weasterned]

@CHRlSTIAN_YU

1. my ex mafia boss, really kind and friendly, crazy , yayayayaa 2. nope hahaha 3. Happy New Year, IAN ! (2)

- (2)

aye lori papa, we just met few days ago and already have continuous convos and i hope it continues. i found you such a greatly amiable man, so kind and not typical cold city guy that most of ian's rper have. and u're such a convo builder too. let's build another convos lori papa!

1. ngeselin, receh, caring, understanding, prudential

2. jangan sering main sama jo nanti pingsan

3. belum sempat bilang ini, remember when i said "i'm gonna leave" it was actually supposed to be a prank but keterusan since kebetulan i was so busy that time and pas aku balik kktmu ilang, your reaction was so funny, it made my day, Thank you so much, ian! You were there for me during my gloomy days. i hope you will cheer up soon! don't be gloomy and always happy, ian.

1. Galawers, Cool, Almost Decent-- tapi gajadi heuheu.

2. Abah kabayan. don't touch my abah bcs he is precious. at first ya I thought abah were decent even gabisa ngomong bahasa tapi ternyata sunkpiece ugha aigu, , , , tebak ini syp?! kalo bener nanti dikasih ulekan gosong!! what should I say? I'm thanking God the most for your existence. you're my best listener, sempet menghilang karena ngopi sma genderuwo, ternyata abah galaw. bah, don't be galaw anymore ya? don't leave me ugha!! I love you, abah.

3. 2017 will be end very soon, what's your thoughts on mine within 2017? hehehhe. I hope we can be more closer ampe dempet in 2018.

1) cool?, kind, friendly, funny, potray his chara well 2) no need to, i guess 3) let's talk more in the future and get along well! + i hope 2018 will be much much better year for you!✨

1. humble, warm, kind, daddy vibes 2. please dont change your chara! I like Ian mhehe 3. Enjoy your christmas and happy new year!

1. Brotherable, abangable, kind, sometimes mean, sometimes handsome. 2. I hope you can be a better person in the future, I said this doesnt mean you are not better for this present. When you inactive I feeli I lost one of my best brother, but finally you back and I'm happy. 3. Hello Ian oppa, I really really we can get along well again, next year should be better than this year. Be happy, abangku. You are precious, brother!

1. kind, oppaable, murah senyum WKWKWKKWKWK. gatau lg ah.

2. we haven’t talk much, but i hope you’ll always be happy no matter what and be a better person.

3. . i just wanna say, thank you for staying in WST. i’m happy that i have such a kind and caring members here. it might be pretty hard when you feel left out in agency, but i didn’t feel like this here. thank you ♡

Coooooool ! Eum . . . how should i say this . . .

Kind of . . . orang yang keren gitu/? muehehe

Calem pasti nih o.o we didn't talked a lot last time . . . let's talk next time okaaay !

#1 - Gentle man 👍 - Kind hearted - Warm guy - Cool - Sometimes cute? lol

#2 I hope you can be more happier and please keep it up, your kind and warm side! 헤헤

#3 Hello, Ian Oppa. I'm so glad to know you and get closer to you. I can't even believe that we can be this closer haha. But still, It's a good things for me to have meet you in this year. Thank you for your good words since we first meet until now. You're really a good guy, a gentle man. You deserve to be happy, so I hope you can be more happier in the next year. Let the past become our lesson, and let's keep moving forward. Oh, and please don't get too closer with hot girls, because they're dangerous 😊 I hope you can find your kind of hot girl who can treat you better. Well, I hope you can find your own happiness so that you can put your sadness away.

Anyway, I hope we can stay being close like this and keep take care of each other too! :)

1. Handsome, good, friendly, awesome, /coughs/ your new chara is sexy 2. None none 3. Hello, Ian! I'm forget who you are before but your new chara is sexy and swag. How's your 2017? I hope your 2017 is good and so does 2018. Happy new year!

1. Mature, nice, warm, kind, cool 2. I think you have side that not everyone expect will come from you haha and thats good actually 3. Hello ian hyung, i remember once youre concerned about me being gloomy haha that shows how warm and nice person you are! I wish i can be closer with you

Kind, calm but humorous, friendly, nice. I know I rarely active so I don't really know about the members, but sometimes you still do jb jb on me while I'm trying to be active.

my bae joo mean jual mahal sama saya moody? scary at first,

1. So brother-able, indeed ! Ayah-able, bahkan ! Caring with his surroundings, sho warmhearted— well sometimes I feel like want to make you as my Unnie sighs—

2. Nothing more, he has been done good at updating his chara too!

3. Hewwo Ian Sunbae ! Since 2018 is nearly neaar, I hope you will always be fulfilled with haffiness, find your new hobbies, experiences new things and smiiile more ! People loves you, remember that. ♡

CHRlSTIAN_YU 1. Baik, lucu (gak sih), always on mia, ramah, kocak and  unpredictable.. (loh) 2. sesungguhnya kita berdua gak pernah ngomong pake  bahasa kan semenjak kenal? so gue lagi males pake  english jd gue tulis bahasa aja ya :p. Rome... gue tau  kalau lo bisa nebak gue ini siapa. pleaseeee if you have  a burden you feel free share it with me or maybe to  someone that you trust. Gue tau lo sempet deactivated  your account and back with a new one. karena ketika  gue mau mention lo, gue gak dapet username lo. bener  gak sih? Syukur deh lo udah balik lagi. I'm glad to see  you back! Pokoknya..... Don't feel you are alone. I know  we aint close enough, maybe bcs chara kita deket jd  kita berasa deket juga. but the owner kan bisa say  different yaa? Heheh. You're still my friend and please  don't change your chara. Ian is quite mainstream lately,  but it's really suitable for you. 3. stay healthy bro! and do whatever you want ...  remember YOLO! hhahhaa

1. imma admit, this obba so handsome. typical obba who can make your knees got weak 2. this obba also humble and easy going, i usually scared when im talking to other rp who has the same fc as him, and i could say he's the first ian rp i got close with beside my own rl friend who ever using ian as his fc 3. dear ian obba, imma snatch xiao from you. she's mine now. bye

1. funny, great taste of humor, great taste of music, chatty, convobuilder. 2. I already am liking how he reply to my mention, it does bring out positivity whenever he talks to someone. I do respect him. Just, I hope he will be more positive and not to burden himself with such sadness alone. be happy oppanim, we got your back. 3. It's almost 2018, days counting and I do hope you will have a great great year in 2018. It might be suck, might. But still, you will have good daysssss and bad dayss, but don't worry.

1. Ramah 2. Sangat baik hati 3. Caring (I think?) 4. In-character 5. Organized

Hyung-ah, the only think I think that you need to improve on is to be a lot more happier than you are before. Please do not be galau anymore!

Ian hyung, the year is ending very soon. I hope you will have a great year next year and please do, because that will definitely be awesome. Have a great 2018, hyung.

1. cool, fun, not so calm, kind, weird. 2. for me, Ian hyong is the onw who talk to me often too, he was cool at first time but look at him jigeum 8 " ) well, at first time I got awkward towards him but not already because lues already lmao jk. i need to stop online at midnight because timeline became lapaknya Ian hyong and SOngso unnie 8 ") take times to online more, hyong! 3. hi, Ian hyog one of weast brother. I wish you an unlimited happiness, you'll passed rude or even rough things this year. congratulation for being together with SOngso unnie I'm happy for you two! I wish many good things happen right after. fighting! loves.

1. Fun, joyful, smart, receh, gloomy 2. Stop being nyebelin juseyo :D 3. It seems like something happen to you, I hope you will find a way to solve it. God bless you!

1. Receh-able, funny, cool, apalagi ya... 2. Please always be who you are! I will always support you! 3. Please always be happy and healthy! May 2018 become a year that bring a lot of luck for you! And long last for you and xiao.

1. KIM JENNIE ENTHUSIAST. BUT HE'S TAKEN NOW. GLAD. 2. IDK WHAT TO SAY NO MORE, BUT KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK. 3. Uh, I still feel so dumb while sent you a dm on another account of yours and shouting, 'WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN". Yet the fault is on me who was so outdated because of that. Ah, I'm so embarassed. Let's talk more and get closer in the future. Take a good care of yourself, keep smiling widely, and be happy as always.

[chelsorz07]

this will be the extent of my hiatus content

2009/2017

Are you happy with your life at the moment? yep. Negative. How does it make you feel looking at pics with your ex and someone else? haha...i just think it's funny how messed up those chicks have to be to get involved with such a loser. He’s not with someone else and hasn’t been for quite some time. Have you taken a picture recently with somebody you really don't like? can't think of any. I don’t recall the last time I took a picture with someone at all. Where do you work? here. Hell. And apparently I’m less of a worthwhile adult because I didn’t want to go in two hours before close on my night off because someone called off. Because it’s totally worth spending an hour and a half getting ready and half an hour getting there for the twelve dollars I’d end up with after taxes. Have you ever seen The Wedding Singer? no. Still no. Do you own a studded belt from Hot Topic? i get my belts at rue21...hot topic is too expensive. I’m a grown ass woman, I’m too old for studded belts. How many pairs of shoes do you own? less than a dozen. 25ish but most of them are dollar flip-flops. What does the last message in your inbox say? "ummm..." “Well...thats one way to do it.” Because not only is he judging and guilt tripping me, he also doesn’t know how to use apostrophes. Would you ever break up with someone through a song? no. I wouldn’t waste a perfectly good song on someone shitty enough to break up with. First text this morning, from who and what time? "not brian lol thats all that matters" from ash at like 9:30. “Mrow.” from Dave at 4:26pm. He can’t even talk to me like a human. Do you have a hard time admitting you're wrong? no. I’m rarely wrong but when I am I admit it. And I still get the blame turned on me for various psychotic reasons. Have you ever liked someone older than you? obviously. Right now I don’t much like anyone. But yes, I do prefer older. What is currently bothering you? i have to get up. i want to take a nap but can't till like 2am. Being made to feel like shit for everything I do and say. Whens the last time you talked with the opposite sex on the phone? a week ago. I called my dad on Thanksgiving. Aside from waking up, what was the first thing you did this morning? uh...either peed or made some toast. Smoked a cigarette. Is the last person you texted a he or she? she. He. How far is it from your house to Wal*mart? like 5mins. I live in an entirely different state but I’m still only five minutes away from Walmart. And I hardly ever go because I hate it there. Does anyone call you babe or baby? no. Nope. Have you ever had pink eye? yeah. Second grade. Do you send over 1,000 texts a month? closer to 4000...i remember my first bill, it was 14000. I only talk to three people, and not every day. So no. Do you have someone of the opposite sex you can tell everything to? yep. I have a male best friend but I still can’t tell him everything because a lot of my problems are marital and he’s still in love with me so it’d be cruel of me to try to get his advice on the subject. What color is the shirt you are wearing? green. Navy blue. Do you love anyone at all? of course. I do. Not convinced they love me. Did you wake up at all last night? not really. i actually didn't have too bad of a night of sleep. I always only sleep for a couple hours at a time, either because of dreams, pain, itching, or having to pee. But if it’s a day when I don’t work, I take several short depression naps. Are you going to any movies anytime soon? we wanted to see brothers but i don't think it's playing in olean. Probably not. I said I wanted to see The Greatest Showman and since I’m going to be alone for the entire month it’s not likely to happen. Do you use code names for anyone? no need to. Once again, I am an adult. Do you hate rain? i love it. I hate all weather. Closest thing to you that is orange? my underwear. Old Navy fleece. Favorite smell on a guy? i don't know what it is...but it's amazing. I have no freaking clue. Mine always smells like oil and ball sweat. Do you trust many people? one. The only person on this planet that I trust one hundred percent is my father. Was today good or bad? hasn't been terrible but tonight should be better. Bad. Explain what triggered your last kiss? um...dave was going home so he kissed me goodbye. It was a goodbye...it’s always a goodbye. If your single, why is that? i'm not. I’m not. Where do you think the person you like is right now? i believe he's sleeping, the lucky bastard. haha I don’t know where he is because there are so many different locations that he works at I can’t keep track. He’s either somewhere in PA, somewhere in Ohio, or somewhere in West Virginia. What is the last thing you said out loud? idk. I don’t remember. Probably commentary at the tv. I’m watching season 5 of Supernatural. Who was the last person that hugged you? david. Dave I guess. Do you like watching scary movies? yeah. I used to. They’re all stupid now. Do you think someone has feelings for you? i know. Not the person who should have them. Have you ever kissed anyone within an hour of meeting them? haha yeah. My first kiss. Are you wasting your time on someone? definitely not. Evidently he believes he’s wasting his time on me. At least that’s how he makes me feel. Do you have a bad temper? the worst. You betcha. You find out your pregnant; boy or girl? i'd probably just an hero. I’d have to have sex to be pregnant. I can count on one hand how many times I’ve had sex all year. Could you last in a relationship for over a year? sure. Been almost 9. Do you think somebody likes the same person you do? idk but i won't stand for it if they do lol Oh he has several. Claims there’s nothing going on. But is still shady about all of it and wonders why I keep asking. Do you wish you had more money? oh hell yeah. Yeah I’d move the fuck home in a heartbeat, so I can be around people who actually give a shit about me. Who's car were you in last, not counting family? dave. Mine. Did the last person you kiss have piercings? no. No. How was last night? lame. Sucked. We got out of work an hour late and then they killed Carl on TWD. I mean he’s not dead yet but he will be. I bet your going to kiss someone tonight, right? pretty good bet. Wrong. How many tattoos do you have? And how many do you want? one, and at least five more. I have two. I want several. Are relationships ever really worth it? this one is. Good question. Have you ever looked someone straight in the eyes and told them a lie? my parents. Yes. What are some things that make you mad? lots of things. Pretty much everything. Who can make you feel better in a difficult situation? i'd feel a hell of a lot better in ANY situation if i had a CAT.  Amanda.

If you could have anyone you want, who would it be? the one i have. I would feel like the one I have wants me. What color are your eyes? hazel. Green. Who was your crush in 5th grade? fitz. That can’t really change 20 years later. About how many hours of sleep did you get last night? uh...i'm not sure. 6 maybe. Like I said...two hours at a time. But a couple times. Is your hair naturally straight? wavy. No it’s not. Is there something you want to say to someone but can't/won't? yeah. Tons of fucking things. What are you doing right now? procrastinating. This and watching SPN. Who sung the song you last listened to? edwin mccain. Something That We’re Not - Demi Lovato. Who was the last person you were on the phone with? mandi. Sheila when I called off last Saturday because I couldn’t walk. Who was the last person to text you? mandi. Dave. What's the weather like outside? disgusting. Cold. Where was the last place you bought something? beach house. Applebee’s and Sheetz. Who are you thinking about right now? maranda. Demi Lovato because I mentioned her so that song is stuck in my head now. Is there anyone you couldn't go a day without talking to? yeah. No. Sometimes I go several days without talking to anyone. Do you believe exes could really ever be "just friends"? some. I’m friends with my ex. Did you sing at all today? not yet but i will later. At like 5am. How many people have you had feelings for this year? one that i was just getting over at the beginning of the year and one that i've had feelings for for almost two years. One for the past eight and a half years. Could you ever be friends with someone who hurt you badly? i am. Idk I’m married to someone who hurt me badly so probably. But I only have two friends and they’ve never really done anything to me. When was the last time you were told you were cute? idk a few days ago probably. Yesterday. Do you know anybody with the same middle name as you? my middle name is like the most common ever. Like everyone. What are you wearing right now? pj pants, tank top, long sleeved shirt, and a fur lined hoodie because it's freeeeeeeeeeeeeezing. Black yoga pants, blue long sleeved shirt. It’s what I wore to work yesterday. Is there something you're looking forward to? maranda's birthday. Well I was actually kinda looking forward to seeing my family on Christmas but now Dave’s volunteering to work that day so once again I’m stuck here alone.

[survivekohsai]

Episode 5 - I Just Want To Go Chill On The Beach With My Friends ~ Quillynn

THIS TRIBE IS FUCKING UGLY OH MY GOD  IM GONNA SCREAM. *screams* dana Im going to kill you and yes I blame dana for everything. Anyone, putting me on a tribe IN THE MINORITY  and on a tribe with ryan of all people... well might as well just dig my grave now. Like rest in peace regan. May 28th, 1998- October 2nd 2017 rip

I'm glad this is happening. We have the comp beasts besides Regan on our side, AND we also have Akito. So it's tit for tat. Hopefully we can have some Yala tribe alliance going. However, I like Jackson. He's seems really nice. Also Jordan can go because he hates us all so bye. And why did Ry block Akito? I now love that they mutinied.

wow i mutiny'd, blocked this whole tribe, didn't use my idol and still stayed during tribal. lol 

So I talked big during the voting confessionals. AND GUESS WHO JOINS!!! Bryce... AINT THAT NICE but tbh i talk big yet i cant help myself but now I have to lie about certain people because i need to build trust and relationships.

I swear to god if they send Jordan Means to Exile im quitting because people should want him gone ASAP!!!! He's a target in everyone's radar and if he makes it to the end like god almighty it's like Drew All over again.

*clap* I hope we win!

Okay havent done one of these since the swap but here goes. I am not happy with this swap because even tho i have raf as an ally im not really liking not being with richie and regan seeing as how they actually do well in challenges. Luckily the other tribe still has a bunch of inactives but regan and richie have shown in the past that they can solo carry a chalenge so im worried. Especially since trixie wanted to go to exile and then wouldnt let us send regan. i was away at the time and it sucks because i really think we should have sent regan or richie so they couldnt compete instead of quinlynn who idk if they are really playing. Luckily the challenge is something im not bad at so maybe I'll do well. Plus we did  win reward by a landslide so maybe the other tribe will bring regan and richie down. speaking of the reward i think some people like erased their names last minute which is sus but w/e!! We still won. But im looking to make something with jackson and raf because i like them both and maybe rtp but i feel like raf and him wont work together idk?

Im going to miss kelsey and linus but fuck regan and jordan lol! I don’t even care game wise i just want to go chill on the beach with my friends~

The curse is broken!!!! Final 13 and possible Merge is coming!!

Hi I'm Jackson and this is my fifth confessional.

I'm not going to to tribal!! Thanks to a tribe swap that basically gutted old Rayong (leaving only me and Akito left), new Rayong won reward AND immunity and THEN we gained Quillynn from a mutiny! this is the best shit ever because now Ryan and Jordan (who i don't want to play with) are stuck on a losing tribe with Regan (who I've heard can be temperamental) and it's going to drive them up the wall. Hopefully Jordan's wasted idol play will come back to bite him and he'll get voted out because I would still prefer that Kelsey and Linus survive. Anyway I've gotten to know pretty much everyone on the new tribe except for Eric and Ryan T., who seem nice but haven't really been responsive to me except for in the group chat. If we lose, I'd kinda like to see one of them go but to be honest I'd be fine with riding a series of wins until the merge. Okay bye I'm procrastinating too much

i hate..... everything i was on a tribe that didnt lose a single challenge, i didnt have any 1 on 1 private conversations or relationships with anyone on the tribe but we all got along well and had worked well as a group so i was satisfied.... then yall swap and now im on a tribe of 7 where 5 of the people were from the flop tribe so not only am i in the minority but i'm in the minority where the majority was on a tribe that couldnt win a challenge to save their lives so unsurprisingly we lost this immunity and now its time for tribal with people who ive never talked to :) :) :) quillynn mutinied so thats one less person to have to worry about but still it could easily be a 4 vs 2 vote and the 1 person from my original tribe is regan who i love dearly shes truly one of the most iconic people of all time but in my list of people who are reliable game strategists i can count on to come up with plans and bounce ideas off of shes not necessarily someone i can do that with...... i did talk to Ryan a little bc we were on the same starting tribe before he mutinied so i got some light tea from him regarding the dynamics of the other tribe and he said that the alliances on the pther side were a 5 person alliance of akito, Jackson, quillynn, Kelsey and linus versus tyler, isaac and jordan.... tyler and isaac are gone so jordan stands alone from that minority group + its kinda weird that quillyn mutinied onto a tribe where original yala has the numbers especially since she was on a tribe with linus and kelsey who ryan said she was in an alliance with????  but maybe shes closer to akito and jackson + the other tribe is full of the people who kept winning challenges so idk but regardless idk whats going to go down for this vote but im annoyed that im on a tribe with a bunch of people who suck and im miserable

I AM A CHALLENGE GOD!! NO MATTER WHAT TRIBE IM ON I WILL BE INVINCIBLE BET EVERYONE WANTS TO BE ME HUH. jk omg im so glad to be on this tribe thats winning. people joining this tribe? not cool.... hope Q is nice tho. I feel like jackson is a threat tbh but like im gonna idol myself and vote him when we lose so watch out

I don't even know what to say. Tribe swap, sure, now that Akito and Jackson are both gone, I'm stuck with an angry Jordan, an unsure Linus, Quill who's just...THERE and these new people. Richie seems very close to me and I do feel confident talking with him and then there's Regan...girl. I feel very shaky around Regan. She's hit or miss, and when she misses, she misses pretty badly...but eh, I'll work with what I've got. Now, going into the tribal, it would be spectacularly easy to vote out Quill because of her absences but I'm the LAST person to judge on that area so...it's hard. Now that Jordan is rather distant from me, I could easily vote him out but I really do want to be in the end of the game with him and I want us to do as swell as possible. Out of everyone...I don't know. I'd rather vote for Ryan. But GOD. I have been to FIVE. BLOODY. ELIMINATIONS. IN A ROW. Geez LOUISE, I hate that this is happening. Girl, I'll do whatever it takes to get the crown, don't get me wrong...but WHY is this HAPPENING?!? I can't keep doing this...I really can't. My tribe has GOT to pull it together. It's testing me, I'm really ready to just go off on everyone for their lack of trying. I know that I TURNED this last immunity out so...WHAT'S the tea??? I just hope that I will just get a week to SIT and RELAX with these people. Because currently, there's no time to talk about life, we have to cut hookers WEEK after WEEK and it's...tiring. Girl, I can't even tell you where I'm going this week. Hopefully, straight back to camp. Let's give it everything we got.... *sigh* And THAT'S all there is to it~! W-We've got to win eventually...right? -Kelsey V Mikaelson

I am glad we won the challenge because honestly, I didn't really know my position in the tribe and whether or not I could be a target. Everyone seems so social and I wouldn't be surprised that most of them are in alliances without me.

I am happy Quillynn is back with us? But also I feel like I have to stick with Jackson's Alliance... despite me wanting to make moves but looking at how this game goes on forward. Trixie/Regan alliance is far more powerful then us. So if Linus and Kelsey are still here to the end, I may have to betray Quillynn and Jackson at that time. I hope I can make it through. 

hi im happy to be on a tribe with jackson and quil. boba tea + fish has arrived!!

So what the fuck do i even have to talk about...havent lost a fucking challenge yet which is awesome...and now ppl are mutinying to us...its getting interesting...im still being the old gramps and no one is even talking to me...but we will see how this goes lmfao

I hope these people vote me out because I don't like them and I threw the challenge because I don't like them.

Here's your confessional stop blowing up my inbox!!

Voting Confessionals

Meh whatever, I vote for Jordan

Kelsey was medevaced

[the-st0ryofagirl]

Happy New Year

well it wouldn't be a proper text post without an entry about Matt during the year, so what a perfect way to start the year! Literally thought, he’s the person I started 2017 of with. Hell, I’m still trying to figure out if that was a blessing or a curse. So that’s what this short story is going to be about: slicing my fingers open, pyrotechnics, a steamy hot tub, and (of course) a blow job. Before I start though I would like to point out that I got my nails done for my cousin’s wedding, I went for acrylic and they’re making this shit really hard to type in. I feel likke one of those ghetto people in skits with their nails tapping on the keys and their fingers all curled back because they’re trying to type with the balls of their fingers and not actually trying to hit every fucking key with each stroke. 

Anyways, story starts a few weeks back more like during thanksgiving break when Mat hit me up to see if I could hang out. I couldn’t so he made me promise to hang out over winter break. I really didn’t want to but he was so goddamn persistent. SO GODDAMN PERSISTENT he asked me everyday to hang out, so I was like ok whatever yeah. The first time we hung out I was awkward as fuck, honestly I’m mad at myself for being so quiet and wary. He kept trying to make a move on me and I kept my distance. I should have flirted or something...but any who, he invited his friend Josh to hang with us and so he tagged along with us on our hangout and it took out any and all intimacy there was (or I guess because of me, there wasn’t). He dropped me off home later on and I was determined to redeem myself, so I asked to hangout again and he was like sure yeah and he invited me to hang out with his friend group, but before we went we cuddled at his house and watched the warriors game. It was sweet and innocent and he would give me hugs and wrap his arms around me constantly and just hold on to me. Even when we were with his friends he would keep close to me and try to be at my side even if we were doing completely different things. We went hot tubbing with everyone and he sat next to me again and he would put his hand on my thigh in front of everyone, even if his ex girlfriend was next to me and she kept eyeing his hand and he didn't care. He dropped me off at home later that night, around 3 am to be exact...my dad almost skinned me alive. But since it was so late I was feeling extra ballsy and told him that next time we hung out I expected him to grow some balls and kiss me because that’s what I wanted to happen. He agreed and invited me to hang out with his group of friends. 

So NYE comes around and he picks me up and drives us to this chick Olivia’s house where everyone is already there. We walk in and everyone is in the kitchen trying to cut up stuff and heat shit up and whatnot so I decide to help out and start cutting up strawberries without a cutting board. I thought whatever I was doing was taking forever so I decide to cut the strawberry ON MY HAND, thus ending in me slicing not one but TWO fingers open and getting blood EVERYWHEREEEE. Ok I didn’t actually bleed on anything but whatever. After that this chick named Emily comes in and I just see her eyeing Matt and she then proceeds to call him as her partner for BP even though he was mine next, he goes with her and I was like lol ok. Something happens and they come back in before starting the game and Jeff knew I was Matt’s partner so he called me over and I was like ok lets go! But then matt was like “oh im emily’s parter” and so again I was like ok lolololOLOLOL. fInE. :))))))))) So I ended up dancing inside and when they were done it was my turn to play BP Sasha called me to be her partner and Matt saw me going to play and was like hey ill be your partner and i was like oh Sasha’s my partner, thats what you get when you ditch me. shrug. hair flip. sassy walk to BP table. Didn’t even turn around to see his reaction. After we killed at BP we went inside and played some weird card game version of never have i ever and after that we went to josh’s house to light fireworks and bitch emily tried to swoop in again when matt went to go sit down and she freaking over slipped on her own drool because she couldn't get to where he was sitting fast enough. I went to go sit with them but then it got weird bc no one was saying anything and walked over to where everyone was standing to watch the fireworks. Matt came up behind me shortly after and watched with me by my side. We were counting down the seconds for 2017 and something ended up happening and we totally missed it. I didn't even get my new years kiss lol but at least the fireworks were dope, and his arms around me were also very pleasant. After a little while i stepped off to the side to call my parents to wish them a happy new year and when i walked back Olivia and Sasha were talking about matt and some girl but i didn't know what they were talking about so i just awkwardly stood there and later realized i was intruding, but Sasha filled me in about how matt was talking to this girl that he had met on tinder and how she didn't like her because she was judgy and a bitch/hoe, she also filled me in on emily and how she didn't like her either and how matt was talking to all these girls and i was like ughh really don’t need to be hearing this right now. So we stopped talking about it and the group split up and went back to Olivia’s house but matt ended up just driving to his house and it was just the two of us. 

We decided to get into the hot tub because it was already heated and stuff and he didn’t want that to go to waste or something. We ended up getting in and we were talking and stuff, honestly I don’t even remember how it even happened but one second he was across the h-tub and the next he pulled me onto his lap and he kissed me. It was sweet and innocent enough, I’m pretty sure I had a goofy grin on my face right after too. We kissed more outside of the hot tub, while we were drying off. After that we went inside and changed into comfy clothes and started watching a movie. We cuddled for like 2 seconds before we started making out, I’m pretty sure we made out for an hour and a half and feeling up on each other, it was great. I found out neck kisses make me weak as fuck, like literally jello, weak at the knees and heavy breathing type of shit. Amazing. I do have to say thought that he tried to get me off through clitoral stimulation and it was just not doing it for me, but I sure damn did pretend it did because I didn't want him to feel bad, so I moaned and shit but damn, it was like he was trying to drill a hold into me or something, shit hurt. Half the time he wasn’t rubbing my clit, it was like the fat of my vagina. Oh well. After some more making out and grinding on each other and stuff I got down to my knees and he took to cue and took off his pants faster than you’d run out the theater if someone yelled “FIRE!!”Let me tell you something, maybe I’m just a hoe, I don’t really know, but I fucking love giving bjs. Like fuck, I don’t know what it is but they’re so much fun! I was having the time of my life while I sucked him off and he stroked my arms, my hair. He would play with the end of my braid and whisper “oh fuck yea” under his breath, he’s mormon dude, do you know how hot it was to hear him cuss? It meant that in that moment he was like “fuck my beliefs for these few seconds because all i believe in is you and that mouth right now and how it’s taking me to another world, oh fuck yea”. When he was about to come he told me to not stop and so I kept doing the thing he likes while pumping him and swallowed him whole. When we were done he was looking at me like I was some goddess sent to him from the heaven above and said “wow, where’d you learn to do that?” Oh honey, if only you knew. Let’s just say I’ve had many a drunken nights since the last time you gave me your little lessons. 

He dropped me off later that night and kissed me one last time before I went inside and he drove off, no talk about hanging out again or anything. 

Everything sounded like it went perfect didn’t it? I thought so too. I got no text from him on January 1, 2017. I couldn’t take it anymore, i was literally driving me insane not hearing from him so I swallowed my pride and texted him today. I’m still not sure if I made the right choice, we’ve been talking all day but he has barely used more than 5 words to a sentence, the average being two word responses. 

I guess the point of this all is I don’t know what to do or say to him. I feel like I’m so much more emotionally into this now than he is, and I’m scared because it’s always been very mutual between us. He’s never really responded to me like this before, but I’m so confused because Saturday night was so great, I thought I was reading all the signs correctly and things were right. 

I don’t know what to do, or what to say to him, I like him a lot and I just don’t know what to do. 

Fuuuuck me. What have I done now.