#it doesnt make it hurt any less
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#i shouldnt have to just ify my anger wje. what you have done in the past has upset me#just because you have time where you get my pronouns right doesnt make the times that you dont go away#it doesnt make it hurt any less#you cant say that you do a “good job” when its by your own standards.#i constantly have to hear 'she/her' every fucking day at work from hindreds of people#i dont want to hear it from my fucking husband#its been over four years tht you have known me and its been they/them for as long as youve known me#she/her shouldnt even be in your fucking vocabulary when you refer to me#but because you still see me as 'female' that makes she/jer the default and for some reason#you cant wrap your brian around wjy that fucking bothers me#don't tell me you 'do a good job' and that i 'should know that' and that you 'dont want this to be a point of contention'#when you decide to go to bed without even asking me if im okay or telling me goodnight#you wanna gove me aomething to fucking be upset about?????? thatll fucking do it holy fucking shit#LMAO what the fuck is even happening#you wont even fucking talk to me because im upset with you so now youre going to just fucking ignore me being upset????#in what fucking universe is that fucking okay???????#fucking what ever!!!!#WHAT EVER. WHAT THE FUCK EVER.#fuck this#google wheres the nearest fucking bridge#this has been the worst goddamn week ive had in a very fucking long time#just fucking make it END ALREADY HOLY FUCK#and dumb ass roommate and his gf is here and i dont fucking want to deal with their fucking dumbass fucking shit either#get rhe fuck out of my goddamn life already im so fucking done#FUCK. FUCK OFF YOU DUCKIGN DUMBASS BITCH
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self portrait - predatory lesbian
#cw eyestrain#not even in a /neg way because most predatory lesbian guilt is born from misogyny and lesbophobia#predatory lesbian neutrality#you like women the same way women like men the same way men like women#just because you are a girl doesnt make your attraction any less valid#we are all wolves here#dont hurt yourself for desiring the same way everyone else does#im reclaiming ‘predatory lesbian’ in a way a scrawny dog covered in blood howls at the moon#mochadoodles#god i love women and if you hate that joy thats your skill issue#nblw#nb lesbian#lesbian#HAD A FRIEND ASK IF THIS IS MEDPOC#NO#ITS ME#😭
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peach pit
[ID : a chubby skywing dragon named Pyrite, who has yellowish-orange scales with a lighter yellow underbelly and dark freckles across her scales, resembling the inside of a peach. she has a crest of dark spines along the back of her neck and on the tip of her tail, antler-like horns, her body is dappled with scars, and she wears a cord around her neck like a choker. she is sitting down, facing towards the left, with her wings held open and an uncertain expression on her face. the background is a teal rectangle with white peach blossoms overlayed on top of it. END ID]
#thinking a lawttt about how pyrite was described to be the same color as a peach a lot#the freckles as described in the id are supposed to make her look like the inside of a peach#she has scars all over her body bc she was enchanted to be really clumsy so i would imagine she would be constantly getting hurt by acciden#her feet [and other skywing feet] have a fifth toe on the back kinda like raptor claws that they use for balance and grabbing things#in winter turning the original pyrite[?] was described to have black eyes so i gave her really big pupils -#- that would probably make her eyes look black head-on#she has lil bear ears btw !! i think skywings and icewings have bear ears bc theyre smaller and wont get cold as easily . also theyre cute#i just thought the crest of spines would look cute but then i realized the resemblance to icewing spikes so i added them to the tail too#the antler horns looking like icewing reindeer horns also wasnt intentional i just wanted them to look unique -#- instead of the generic straight horns or curved i usually give skywings#i think she has quite a bit of icewing remnants left over despite the spell actually#like i would imagine her fire is weaker than the other skywings and would be a lot less hotter#she also instinctively isnt used to skywing proportions hence why shes sitting the way she is with her legs all weird and wings not closed#other than that shes rather boring and isnt very flamboyant bc i think scarlet would think she doesnt deserve it#i dont really have any other design notes everything was added last second or by complete accident gafksndkxk#I JUST REALIZED THE THUMB ON HER WING IS BACKWARDS . I WAS WONDEIRN WHY IT LOOKED WEIRD CKJFMCJXNX#whatever im not fixing it. suffer with me#🖌#wings of fire skywing#wings of fire#wings of fire pyrite#og my GODDD tumblr eated the wuality on this one real bad wtfff
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Real talk, in the recent years of fandom, I've noticed a trend of people decrying problematic subjects without acknowledging why it's bad or how it hurts real people. And I feel part of the Moonpaw Ableism Shit stems from that.
We know incest is bad. We know inbreeding is bad. But when you don't critically think of why it's bad beyond "it's icky and produces icky offspring :((((", it often leads to rancid behavior like this. Or worse.
It's not bad because it leads to "ugly disabled kids". It's bad because it hurts people and stigimazing people this way only makes it worse.
This is less of a general ableism issur in the wc fandom and more of a broader, more insidious issue within fandom culture imo. I think we should be more mindful about how we approach problematic subject matter like this.
#moss meows#if u Know u Know#the current state of fandom is why im only public in places like tumblr#thank fuck this vitrol seems to be mostly targeted towards a fictional cats#doesnt make it any less hurtful though 😬#neways i just needed to get that off my chest#ill try to think of more funni meme content soon
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having to say goodbye to my senior cat today, roughly 14 years with her
#personal#ive had her since i was around 10 maybe younger idr. shes basically family not just a pet#ive known this was coming btw dw. this isnt a sudden so ive had a few months to prepare#doesnt make it hurt any less obv but its much better than a sudden loss. i had my time to grieve leading up til now and forward
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you'd think losing people would stop hurting as much after you've gone through it a bunch of times but I guess if humans can learn to love over and over with the same or even greater intensities it makes sense that the following pain of losing said people you give that love to is proportional each time too
#are you ever surprised at how much things affect you#because i genuinely cant wrap my head around why this hit me so hard. it doesnt make logical sense. ive been through so much worse#i should not gaf at this point. or at least only feel mildly sad for a brief while. not full on lose my fucking mind and literally not be#able to function for days on end#like i know life isnt over the world is still spinning i have a lot of love in my life#but it still hurts almost as badly as the first time i had my heart broken#i know that's a net good thing. i know that means im still human and havent completely numbed myself to the world#and my heart is bigger than it used to be#and its a good thing that i could love with enough intensity to feel the same amount of pain even in the aftermath#heck there are people i love so much more. so this is GOOD#but it doesnt make it any less painful in the present ijbol#anyway.#liveblogging.pdf
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I didn't like Mekt much but I do hate seeing him only utilized as a villain, as if Legion Worlds didn't happen.
Where is the Mekt who admitted that he was wrong to let his loneliness and jealousy dictate how he acted? Where is the Mekt that worked to be better? Where is the Mekt who welcomed Ayla home and put himself in harms way to help her save their parents farm? Where is the Mekt that delighted at the idea of seeing Garth again and was sad to hear he wasn't really coming back?
I don't know. Maybe it's just me but Mekt works so much better as a character of redemption and reconciliation than as one who stays bitter and antagonistic. He's more interesting that way
#this is just about post zero hour mekt i dont know much about other mekts'#losh#legion of super heroes#mekt ranzz#inkytalks#AND I AM NOT EVEN SAYING YOU AHVE TO LIKE HIM#OR THAT HIS SIBLINGS *HAVE* TO FORGIVE HIM#this still works if THEY are still bitter to HIM for what he did#BECAUSE THEY WOULD HAVE A RIGHT TO BE#but he doesn't deserve the watered down one dimensional asshole characterization I've seen in a few fics that are ABOUT pzh#my ideal rannz sibling dynamic is ayla being bitter and hostile to mekt garth being wary and hurt and at first unable to be around mekt#while mekt himself just feels so guilty for what he did and desperate to make up but willing to give them however long they need#even if that means he doesnt get to be in their lives ever again...#and then eventually they fall into a comfortable normal that is still not fully recovered and still bitter but they can#have breakfast togther without incident#they can talk about things like the weather or town gossip#they can work together on the farm in comfortable silence#ayla slowly grows less suspicious of mekt and begins to trust him a little more#garth stops feeling like mekt is going to lash out at any given moment and can spend time around him alone#things arent great and they probably wont ever heal all the way their relationship will always be strained#but he's trying and thats all they care about#and things are kinda sorta okay
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I hate panic attacks
#rant#which is to say i hate the whirlwind of specifically bad times in my life that brought them on and kept them#i hate that they trigger when i feel strong Anything#ive been trying to Dissassociate less and feel more. because feeling stuff does HELP me notice whats helping or hurting me#but like. i WISH it was about feeling joy and pleasure and excitement. maybe ill feel those eventually#but right now Any strong emotion is still ridiculously close to triggering panic attacks#im still terrified to go watch a play. because i LOVE plays and the last times ive gone for the past decade#ive had awful panic attacks because my brain clicked Love them with Intense Feeling into Panic dont breathe chest hurts Hate Urself#turns out my brain didnt just attach the trigger to fear of loud noises or fear of asking for#trigger from self hating thiught loops#it alsp clicked the trigger into: particularly notiveable romantic feelings of any kind (lile someome? have a panic attack! thatll keep u#physically incapable of getting near them! like plays! lets have you unable to breathe sobbimg hysterical so ur terrified to be trapped in#the audiience for hours! fucking hate hate hate it)#neurofeedback and emdr certainly lowered the panic attack rate per day or week to a Lesser per month situation#but im still lucky if i get thru a pa without illogivally trying to Fix it the irrational way i did when young which is hit myself#in the illogical hope if im injured enough ill be able to think again (which doesnt work its dangerous and makes the panic attack last#longer a pa just does Not let u think rationally untol its over u CANNOT try and fix it while in it and dping that makes it much worse)#if i get thru a pa without a concussion ive done much better than usual :/ i dont want any more#im so tired man. i want to go see a play!#i dont want to Try and then end up hyperventilating and crying with my brain imsisting i Need To be Dead for 2 hours#im the parking lot because it triggers when i park. or worse it triggers when i drive and i have to pull over and im trapped x place for#hours. either way i miss the play i wanted to fucking see!#i hate how panic attacks feel like a trap. not even a trap i can fight. its my own limitation. goddamn ive been fatigued ive been dying#in a hospital a few times. panic attacks feel worse to me. at least dying i can do something (eventually) to stop#altho i guess dying for hours in hospital until i got helped was similar. but ill hopefully only go thru that 1-2 more times in life#and i had like 5 panic attacks during that hospital visit since a heart rate so high like 200 cant calm down anyway
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,,
#p#i hate feeling like more emotional than usual like the tiniest thing can happen n im like freaking out or miserable#idk if anything did happen sometimes i just suddenly feel anxious n like im gonna fall apart n cry n the worlds endign#<- not always all those at once but sometimes#its like vulnerable doesnt feel like a good word for it cuz idk sounds dumb but like wobbly#maybe..like im doing mostly ok n then ill see 1 post or someone will say smth w a certain tone n im a mess#its hard to tell n i try to for my psych appts but like crazy mood swings wise ive felt worse i think lately#idk what amount of time lately means but ya#it can be better or worse but still its up n down n way outta proportion to like what happened in the real world of not my brain#its extra the feeling like i cant handle anything n like im always on the edge of my day being ruiend#n super hating myself spiral or feeling like a dumb scared kid cuz of nothing#not posting cuz of anything this time its just outta the blue. yayyy#i was thinkin well its 8pm i worked ive been up for ages at least ican sleep soon n the day will be over#maybe a reset to be normaler#but then tomorrow is Another day n theyre just relentless huh -__-#n tomorrow ill have less excuses like ill hurt less from working this weekend ill be less tired n wont have any demanding obligations#which makes it feel worse or more frustrating when i feel shitty n crazy anyway#like there's nooo reason. like especially!!! on those days#sucks that its a Me™️ problem not just like external real shit#im stuck w this fuckin guy forever its so lame#i shld come up w a slightly more coherent version of this post to jot down for therapy next week or whenev#dlt ltr posting like this feels so embarrassing christ#<- disclaimer any mean comments only ever apply to me btw
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Did the stuff exchange 👍 that sucked 👍 wahoo
#speculation nation#i was very curt bc i just wanted to get it over with.#kinda wish id given her a piece of my mind but whatever#i did shut the door rather forcefully in her face. which hopefully said plenty.#and then i cried bc it just felt so Cold. a stark difference from the last time i saw her.#man ive come to accept it's probably for the best overall but the suddenness of it still sucks so bad.#also the 'i never actually loved you' thing. what an asshole thing to say.#she also missed one of the stuffed animals and it's one i wanted to have back Especially#bc it's a pair with one that i own. i want my little bee's axolotl friend back And i dont want her owning the other one of a pair.#she seemed to really love this deer before. said it gave her a lot of comfort to hug at night.#so i wanted it back especially too. i dont want her getting any more comfort from my prior affection for her.#i just hope that seeing me reminded her that im a real fucking person that she fucked over.#like yeah shes got her new 'love' yadda yadda yadda but she strung me along for 6 fucking months#then broke up with me over fucking TEXT. saying some incredibly insensitive things as she did so.#even if they were the truth. there are still some things that dont need said i think. especially to someone who has trust issues.#but most of all she shouldve fucking done it in person or At Least on the phone.#i told her plenty already how cowardly and horrible it was for her to break up with me over text#and i want to scream it from the rooftops and carve it into her tires#but i wont. because ive said it enough. and being too destructive wont make anyone happy.#not even me.#it just feels like such an injustice. and i feel so angry and hurt.#i can understand and accept that it's probably for the best that the relationship ended here#but that doesnt make the manner it was done hurt any less.#and jesus i thought i was the asshole for how i broke up with my girlfriend last year. at least i broke up with her in person!!!!#i didnt even get that. what a whole load of bullshit.#anyways im gonna play my samurai game. and focus the best i can on just moving on.
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my dog might get put down tomorrow...
#the vet comes to our house tomorrow#and then decides what to do#i knew it would happen soon#so it's not a surprise#doesnt make it hurt any less though
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Finally started hacking away at the overgrown rose bushes and I'm so fucking exhausted and in pain 😭 bitch....
#i wasnt even doing a lot which is what makes me mad bc like i could see if i was doing the bushes yeah id be so tired but man#i wasnt even doing that much 😭 i did fill three lawn bags of clippings though and i hacked away the limbs that grab at the#sidewalk and the sides that grip onto you when you go to get the trash bins but theres still more i could do#i didnt wanna do TOO much but i wanted to make the petite rose bush less tall (its invasive to the area :( didn't learn that til this year#but if we hack away at it every year or so it's fine?? i mean its not like they throw seeds the same way say a maple tree would or like#poison ivy so it's not SPREADING out new plants it's just a monster sgdgdgd) anyway i wanted that to stop being so tall and#make it stop shading the flower boxes but i DID leave the now vacant birds nest covered so maybe another birdy will like it ... next year#sgdgdgdg since i think the major egg laying season is ending/over and most adult birds dont stay in a nest iirc like they find somewhere to#stay but the purpose of a nest is to keep babies in and safe but idk i could be wrong wgdgdggd#ANYWAYS i left that. the plant itself has burrs or whatever like these growths which you cannot completely#remove without just getting rid of the plant and starting over so we just leave it (doesnt seem to be hurting the 7ft spindly giant any)#i should hack away at the top of the 5 petal rose bush (also invasive iirc :( explains it's size sdgdgdgdg) so my garden can have more sun#but we'll see... 👀✂️#i feel like shit though agdgdgdg im tired of feeling like shit man
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Missing your parents truly is such an incurable disease
#theyre not dead or anything. things are just complicated#and i miss them#but i know what i really miss is an idealised version of them that has never existed#but that doesnt make it hurt any less#idk im sick and sad and tired
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You uppity fox , you deserved to be put in your place with that punch. You were getting too big for your britches. Know your place you two-tailed freak of nature!
Don't call me that. I'm not uppity.
#miles tails prower#ask blog#tails ask blog#tails rp blog#rp blog#tails the fox#sonic rp#sth#thanks for the ask!#ask answered#anon ask#anon answered#yesh#he deserves the rest#considering the fact that his tails are a mutation#that part is just technically correct#doesnt make it hurt any less though.
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im so fucking tired of going to the doctors. i cant keep up. every week its a new test or a new lab or a new specialist. i'm just exhausted. i have to go in for blood work AGAIN- this is the fourth time since april. its expensive, and time consuming, and honestly? im tired. im just tired. all the fucking time im tired of the lack of answers, and the phone calls in the middle of the day, and crying at work in front of my students, and opening my email to new lab results every other day. IM TIRED OF IT!!! im not even afraid of hospitals or needles i never have been, even as a kid, but i couldnt stop crying last time i got bloodwork. ive never been upset by bloodwork before what the fuck. last week i had an ultrasound of my liver and i got a call in the middle of the work day today that i need to get a BONE SCAN?? are you kidding me?? im scared. and im tired. and im angry. and i dont want to do any of this. i just want to cry and isolate myself and go to bed and not see anyone ever but i cant fucking do that because i have to go get injected with radioactive contrast material and wait four hours so they can see what is wrong with my bone enzymes.
#i think the worst of it is i can FEEL myself being a bad teacher#and i can FEEL myself being less patient with my students#and yelling more#and crying at work every day#its not fair to them and i should go back on medical leave but i need to get paid.#i dont qualify for FMLA as a teacher#i can also feel myself being a worse friend#and just being emotionally so heavy to be arround#or#isolating entirely#and not texting back or talking to people i love#because what do you even say to someone you love a lot who wants to comfort you#but who you dont want comfort from at the moment#like#im scared#and there arent any answers#and maybe something is wrong and maybe something isnt wrong and maybe its all in my head and maybe its bone cancer#its not cancer lol#like there is no evidence of that im just being dramatic and frealing out about the worst case scenario#its probably my thyroid or my vit d or malnutrition or a fracture we didnt know about or something else#but it doesnt make me feel any better to be rational#and im hurting my friends and my students and myself by being as anxious as i am all the time#but like what choice do i have i feel hysterical#but also they wouldnt be ordering blood tests and ultrasounds and bone scans and x rays and heart monitors and tilt table tests and neuro#if they thought it was all in my head... right? like my lab work SHOWS that there is a problem..but i still feel like im crazy
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Im leaning towards voting amane forgiven right now, though i still fear what the consequences will be if she ends up forgiven
But the damage amane can cause can be managed (not all of it but better than nothing), while the mental (and possibly physical) damage that a second unforgiven vote will inflict on her will be too much
#milgram#i dont think amane can grow and change in the system of milgram#but if she's voted unforgiven again then even if somehow she gets out of it she'll never recover#victor rambles#still fear her possibly hurting mahiru but. i doubt that any prisoner will die before t3#mainly because if they do the voting system doesnt matter anymore#whats the point of forgiving or not forgiving if the person is dead and cannot do anything with that verdict#im still fucking scared but. i mean#t3 will be a shitshow might as well make it Less Worse for amane#i do think she'll be mad at how many people will forgive her because we see her as a hurt child however
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