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#it has always felt odd to me
bunnihearted · 3 months
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#regret is a heavy and unproductive feeling but i feel so much of it now#i regret being too scared to send him pictures when he said he would def be ok w me using him as a diary#and even wanting me to share pics (and always when i managed to not be too scared he never made me feel unappriciated)#i regret being too scared to say yes when he talked abt having calls and video calls#i regret being too scared to share all of the things i wanted to share with him and ehat was wanted by him#i regret being too scared to easily and quickly actually listen to him when he said it's more than ok for me to send him lots of messages#and to ramble about things too him. i regret that i kept being too and too scared to do it even if i desperately wanted to#i regret that i took so long to try to face my fears and want to actually do and say and talk abt all of those things#i regret taking too long so bad... i just had never ever felt actually wanted and that my rambley words and my existence mattered to him#that was so so so new and odd for me that it took me so long to ease into#i regret being too scared to do all of it.... i regret it so much#im painfully aware of reality trust me.. and i know it will always be a 'what if'#but i regret that i was too cowardly to just be brave enough to try and tell him directly what i was thinking for 10 months#what i wanted to say was that if he just said the word i'd be all his and that i'd immediately look for any job#and use that paycheck to get a passport and a plane ticket and figure it all out with him#none of this is his fault. like trust me i understand that relationships and feelings and people and everything is complicated#and i actually know that he cares abt me... it what hurts sm ...#but i dont know what would have happened but i regret being too scared to even say it and see. bc i meant it. i really meant it :(((#but.... i know i cant live in this regret forever and that i have to learn how to accept it but#nothing has ever hurt or stung or been regretted this much for me like...#i feel like i fucked up the realest and truest connection and chance at love i've ever had and maybe ever will have? i dunno ... T-T#i regret being too scared to spam his blogs the way i wanted to and too scared to reply to him and interact with him#my fear is so stupid and god i regret letting it control me sm
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grahamcarmen · 4 months
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Upsetting. after they thought they killed her father, not only did VILE tell carmen she was abandoned but they refused to tell her who DID save her leaving her rejected but not sure who to look to for the compassion to feel fully accepted.
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tourdion · 3 months
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one of the new girls at me job all she ever talks about is her boyfriend or losing weight... i do like her sometimes & regardless dont want to burn any bridges with someone i have to spend most days a week with but god does she make it difficult...
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Listen I’m all for more trans and otherwise gender divergent characters in dc comics but Kon didn’t want people to call him Superboy because he viewed himself as SuperMAN. He wanted agency and control over his own life through the means of emancipation from the authorities attempting to control him and his growth was learning to both allow himself to be a kid and to mature mentally.
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jrueships · 9 days
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Is oz gay like the wire?
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oh Indeeeeed.... spoken in u know whose gay lil croon
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blizzardfluffykpop · 2 months
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why the fuck do i miss pigeons
#don't ask me i am going thru it today#ebhehbbehbhebhabh#i miss pigeons dude#oooh the poor little domesticed cuties#kate rambles from here#this is a small detail of the feeling i am feeling#like post leaving nyc is wrecking havoc on my psyche#i don't want to be in the fucking great plains#a few irls don't understand my want for city life- and i didn't know it was this bad until staying there for 4 days-#but my mom's whole family is from the city- i just feel so at home there- and everything i've inherited that way is in my blood#and i just wanna bawl my eyes out#i have been quite a bit but like ik i have a goal now- to move into the city- i've always had that goal to at least move to the city near m#but like nyc was like being somewhere i felt i wanted- it's not that i'm looking to make it big- i miss the noise the water and pigeons#around here you'll hear the occasional car go by- and crickets- i miss the city lights- i keep crying about it for so many reasons but#i just don't know how to actually express it?#because it's such an odd feeling for me to feel? because if yknow me well- i love being at home- i hate sleeping somewhere else-#taking a trip down south this last christmas- i couldn't stand the quiet- it's quieter the more south you go and i can't do this#i've always wanted to leave my small town but ?? like actually being somewhere that has felt home has been unattainable bc every#where in oh hasn't been home... and for once i felt like i could do this- and having to return here- just made me break down and cry#maybe it's the person i live with- that makes me wish to leave- but that's not the full truth- idk maybe a good nap will help#kate rambles#i have a life goal now but i wish i could do it now- i hope sooner rather than later i'll at least live in the city#i've been happily living but now i have a direction i wish to run towards- and i'm gonna chase after it#sure i miss seeing tbz i loved seeing them- but it's not even post concert depression- if that makes sense?#which it doesn't make sense- because for mx it was only pcd- but for nyc it's missing the city... and it feels awful#pls ignore this i just needed to be frustrated somewhere#ig knowing what i'm missing- i can finally work on filling that spot huh? i guess that's what i'll be doing#(also vv small point but the fact that one of the people i live with- refuses to ever visit nyc again- is so comforting to me)#pls don't send me an ask about this i just needed to ramble and i haven't caught up on my daily journal yet to do so- so this is here
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saturno-sol · 5 months
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Yknow maybe it’s not a good thing to have kids with a ten year+ difference between them.
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hella1975 · 2 years
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I'm not done yet but hey are you giving zuko eldest daughter trauma because I'll fucking kill you I read ONE line it's probably the first of what's to come but I'm sending the hate ask now xoxo
ofc i wouldn't do that! he's just fistfighting a saviour complex and is eternally burdened by the responsibility of raising and caring for his sister while simultaneously being a child himself and always putting himself before the worst of the war so that azula doesn't have to all the while growing more and more rage towards the situation until it all comes out in a very cataclysmic scene that i will definitely cry at when writing :)
#he's got that fiona gallagher in him#big thief rlly went to town with mythological beauty and 'there is a child inside you who is trying to raise a child in me' v tams zukocore#the funny thing about zuko and azula's relationship is that yes it's kinda wholesome but it is still ultimately fucked#and yet i find them pretty easy to write bc i literally just go 'what would me and my sister be like in this situation'#like ive said before how my sister never really stepped up as the eldest and ive always felt like we shared that role#like i'll give it to her she's better at being the eldest in certain situations and im better in others#and it's always been us helping our mum bc as capable and brilliant as my mum is she's also doing everything alone#and her temper is... not great. so me and my sister took care of each other in our own way#and by 'our own way' i mean we have NEVER had a stereotypical relationship. our age gap is too small and we're both too mean#literally zuko's ch1 quote about 'they'd never been protective of each other' is directly inspired by me and my sister#i dont feel protective of her i dont feel a need to keep her safe and happy and it's really odd bc i KNOW im supposed to but i just dont#and she doesnt for me even though she's the 'eldest'. and yet i love her and would kill and die for her#and also if we were in this situation and we were trying to shield each other#from certain horrors that we thought the other couldn't handle then we'd have to be SO CLEVER ABOUT IT#bc just like zuko with azula if i caught my sister trying to patronise me/protect me i would HIT THE ROOF#like i am thoroughly convinced there is nothing she can handle that i cant and vice versa so we'd have to be soooo slick about it#and while with zuko and azula that only holds to an extent bc azula is ultimately YEARS younger than zuko#and whatever you think of her personality she just straight up should not be exposed to certain things#(neither should zuko but yk what i mean)#it still stands and we see throughout tams the v clever ways zuko has learned to protect azula so that she doesnt catch on#like either the next chapter or the one after (probs the one after) there's a really horrific scene#that's just super dark and gory and while with a normal younger sibling you'd do something to keep their eyes on you and not on the scene#like lie to them or make it into a game or something so they're unaware of what's happening#but instead zuko sees what's happening and before azula can he quickly gets her to check their supplies and count their money or some shit#like giving her a job to acknowledge her capability and not patronise her while still shielding her from a really brutal scene#and it just goes over zuko's head that at sixteen he ALSO SHOULD NOT BE EXPOSED TO THAT#but long story short i just think that's so funny. like the fire hazards are sooo fucked and for good reason#but it literally just boils down to me and my dumbass sister#so yeah. very niche eldest daughter syndrome emanating from tams zuko#ask
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britneyshakespeare · 9 months
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i have 10 shakespeare plays left that i have not read
#of the 38 canon texts#fewer if you dont consider two noble kinsmen to be an official work?#bc it's coauthored and not included in the first folio#i read timon of athens this week#i read 11 shakespeare plays THIS YEAR. i thought i was gonna leave it at 10#but i liked the odds better if i read more this year than i had left to complete#tales from diana#i really do not know why i was so voracious reading shakespeare. well yes i do. i was lonely#and seldom left the house#much like i did the first year when i owned the riverside shakespeare and was reading at a similar rate#i guess i also got into the frenzy of 'omg i can complete this soon'#whereas when i was younger i was reading for the joy of it. skipping in any order i wanted to#this year i finally read a bunch of the plays that i felt like i cant believe i hadnt yet. you know?#knocking things off the canon. and some of the texts i still have to read#im like 'i cant believe i havent yet'#my order has been pretty arbitrary#i cant believe i havent read TITUS ANDRONICUS yet ive been wanting to read that since i first got the riverside.#that play has always interested in me especially with its bad reputation#there are just other plays i *did* read first.#i dont know which one ill read next. i think ill finish david copperfield first#ill probably still read other plays in between the rest of what i have of david copperfield (less than 300 pages)#but not shakespeare. i need to detox.#you hear that william? youre toxic#im slippin under the taste of your poison paradise#ill probably read mary queen of scots got her head chopped off by liz lochhead. its been in my bed#since it came in the mail. lol#thank you thriftbooks free book reward~
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running-in-the-dark · 9 months
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I've just realised something fun (very weird): so I've got aphantasia (no visual imagination), and I have a hard time recognising and remembering faces. I'm not face blind but I need a lot of context clues and stuff like that to be able to recognise someone for sure.
so anyway, that means I don't know what most people look like. in many cases I can't even remember if someone wears glasses, or other very obvious things like that. I could only describe the faces of my family members, friends, or even my husband (who I see more often than anyone else) very vaguely.
buuut. when I like a character, I tend to draw and/or paint them (usually a lot). which obviously involves looking at pictures of their face for a looong time. and not just looking, but analysing everything to figure out where it goes in relation to everything else. and just the motion of drawing makes it easier for it to actually get saved in my memory, I think.
sooo I just realised that, right now at least, I could probably describe every stupid little line in Eliot's face, I can recognise him if I see a picture of like, his ear or whatever. but if my brother got a haircut and different clothes and I wasn't expecting to see him, I probably wouldn't know who he was. 😬
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xamaxenta · 1 year
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Thinking about someone i blocked that bothered me for about two monthsish last year bc they kept messsging me underhanded or backhanded comments abt literally anything i did on this site, specifically they liked to attack my lack of understanding of the basics of art and that i clearly didnt study the classics enough (??? What are those? This is subjective?) and i wonder if they’re happier this year i gotta commend them for not doing this behind anon, ballsy tbh but unwarranted
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nerdie-faerie · 1 year
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It seems to really be hitting my mum just how young she was when she had me in light of her upcoming birthday
#+Extra#like on the one hand she feels old cus its a big birthday coming up but on the other hand it seems to only just be hitting her just#how young she is to have a 22 year old daughter which is frankly old news at this point she was always too young just in denial#we had a very odd conversation last night in which she started off by saying that my soon go be 18 yr old brother and the 19 yr old#definitely arent responsible enough to watch the kids for a couple of hours while she gets her hair but then that its ridiculous that an#under 18 yr old (her phrasing) cannot open a bank account without a parent because she was entrusted with an entire human being at that#age and so he should be able to open a bank account by himself and i was listening like no thats the wrong conclusion its the opposite the#adults in your life shouldve been more concerned about you also what a revisionist recount saying that no one was concerned about you#having a baby at the age and it was probably because my dad was an adult so they felt they had no need to be concerned when i know all of#your family tried to express concerns that you wouldnt hear which led to years of animosity during my childhood staff at your college also#expressed concern as did your friends you just dont wanna admit that now. also how can they not be trusted with the kids for a couple of#hours when youre 15 minutes down the road as basically adults when 1 is going off to uni in September supposedly and the other has#basically moved out already and i was left entirely alone with the kids at younger than 15?#the sexism and gender stereotyping continues to perplex me#anyway hoping no one got to the end of this rant to add that im once again reminded that my birthday is actually just a day for my mum to#mourn the youth she missed out on by having a baby stupid young
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tamaharu · 1 year
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a sumi haircut variation ive been testing out. i wanna say its a bit post-canon, not too far off, maybe a year or so. hasnt quite figured out what to do with herself yet, but shes getting there. only a little ways away from graduation.
#the clock chimes at midnight#selk.art#okay because im going stir crazy in my beautiful mind here. i forgot where everyone in the royal ending went so ive just kinda been doing a#post canon au based entirely arnd sumire and the only person whos really gone is ren. the others are in school and stuff still lol#ANYWAYS she and ren start dating a few weeks before 2/3 and after they restore the world its a very tumultuous start considering ren#immediately gets sent to jail. even after he gets out theyre both grieving akechi + it feels like theyre just going through the motions.#everyones like omg we could tell this was gonna happen! and it makes them uncomfortable for reasons they cant articulate#ren is using sumire to get over akechi + sumire is modeling rens identity + both see akechi in the other and are sad abt it#on top of all that they get into a huge fight when sumire learns rens leaving in like. a month. and she didnt know.#(he genuinely didnt realize she didnt know but gets bitchy in return)#they try to make it work long distance for a month/two but eventually mutually breakup (both a little bitter but agree to remain friends)#overall its a cute relationship with um . very odd undertones.#anyways she still wears her hair straight up or straight down during all that point. HAHAHA remember this is abt hair!#after ren leaves she latches onto ann + ryuji who are still going to school w her. and after the breakup simply bc#ryuji is a Boy and sumire is a Girl and They Enjoy Being Around Each Other they both reflexively think abt getting together#sumire starts to imitate him (bc for some weird reason she keeps wanting to be like boys!) and ryuji is like am i breaking bro code rn..#nothing ever happens bc neither actually wants to date the other and ann is always hanging around but its an odd time for everyone#she bleaches the tips of her hair for a little bit but its so small when she gets it chopped off its like nothing happened lol#this is probably around third year when ann/ryuji have graduated and the only thief around is futaba.#and. please nobody kill me for this. i think the two have interesting thematic similarities but the ship between them has always felt like#pairing the same-age spares to me. and i havent read anything thats convinced me of its full potential yet.#that to say i think theyre friendly but not super close. so sumire has to learn to just. exist by herself for the first time in years.#like i said this is probably when this actual haircut starts getting used. shes figuring it out!#after she graduates shes the first one to find akechi again and theyre both doing a lot better and become very close.#they move in together! platonically! unless...? but thats not the point! akechi helps her realize shes transmasc at which point she gets a#real short haircut. i cant decide. theres one thats like a curly haired bob almost and one thats shorter + looks kinda windswept#and thats all the haircut hcs i have for her postcanon timeline! spreads hands jazz hands. not all the timeline hcs but my thumbs r tired.
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ihophashbrowns · 1 year
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while friends dont need to have much in common to be friends, you do deserve ppl who see and understand you! but its probably safe to say that divide exists for reasons other than differing interests/backgrounds......
youre absolutely right it literally does LOLLLL
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#no need to read or react just needed to rant about my brain a bit#the next two weeks are supposed to be super exciting with BC giving us a new look and song and music video#it's umk week and my favorite for once has historically great odds of winning and a good chance to do well at eurovision as well#I'm going to see umk live with my dear sister and stay at a hotel so it's like a mini-getout and then I'm going to stockholm and oslo gigs#this is supposed to be best times of the year so far but my brain decided we can't have any of that :)#last year at this same time I got hit hard with depression and the anxiety I've always had got even worse#it got to the point that nothing made me happy or feel anything at all and I just cried all day for weeks#everything about UMK night was blurry and sad because I wasn't talking to my bestie who I've watched eurovision with for 10 years#I just started crying during the Dark Side/ Bad Idea opening and the results felt like nothing#I'll always assiociate Bad Idea with my depression because it was playing on the radio in the nurse's office when I got my meds#anyway I can feel that same darkness crawling back to my brain right now and I'm very scared#my brain decides I don't deserve to be happy and screams about how unloveable and ridiculous and embarrassing and ugly I am#it isn't helping that Joel keeps reposting the most model-looking tiktokers because I always feel a hot gush of shame run through me#and everytime I see a pic of any of their blonde skinny young gfs I just wanna kms#now it's gotten to a point that the voice in my head yells at me that I don't deserve Bc or their music and I should cancel my gig trip#because they wouldn't wanna see a disgusting cow myself being so near the stage not to mention ask for a pic or autograph#and I should just hide in my apartment forever#and everyone who has ever been nice to me is either doing that out of pity or making fun of me behind my back#I can't take this anymore#delete later
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alxclaremont · 2 years
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many thinky thoughts are being thinky thunk
#this sentence is so funny to me rn im giggling#anyway#thinking about how i’ve met so many wonderful people in college in just this past semester#like. i’ve one of my bestest friends who is one of the people im going to be living with next year along with two of my other#bestest besties who i went to hs with but absolutely adore. i love all three of them so much#and then there’s a whole group of wonderful people from a club that i joined that i’ve been so thankful to call each one of them my friends#when i genuinely went into that not knowing if they would end up not liking me because i was sick during the retreat and couldn’t initially#meet them or anyone else from the upper committees#and then i unexpectedly became the best of friends with a ta from one of my classes and i love her she’s so great#not to mention all of the other wonderful people ive met randomly and dont see that much but appreciate nonetheless#im so excited to meet even more people next school year when i start joining new clubs#whenever i get asked ‘whats one thing you want to do while youre here’ and i always answer meet new people#i absolutely love and adore meeting new people and the college i go to has more than delivered that#it’s genuinely so welcoming to be here and it feels like the home i haven’t felt for the past year and a half#i truly don’t think i would’ve connected very well with people at any other college than i have this one#like obviously i would’ve adjusted and odds are i would have been fine but i really do just love it here#the people and thr atmosphere and the campus and everything makes it so worth it#post about loving my friends turn post about loving my college#brought to you by a BeReal one of my bestest besties posted with the caption#‘missing our fourth piece’ aka me because i am currently not back at my college yet and thus am not with them#when i tell y’all i started sobbing my eyes out upon reading that#anyway. i am getting too emotional for 3am and i think this is just a jumble of thoughts and words#so i am going to bed (hopefully)#lacey talks
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