#it just feels like a bunch of one-offs that aren't Connected except for being about the same characters

[cosmic-carpals]

realizing on book 3 of tgcf that i actually don't enjoy it.....tragic

[spaceorphan18]

Ranking the Bridgerton Books

Well. I have finished all eight novels in Julia Quinn's Bridgerton series (yes - I know there are a bunch of spin-offs, and that's great -- I have no desire to read those.) And of course, I have thoughts...

Before I jump into the rankings, though, I a few overall thoughts... I liked the series much more than I thought I would. Look, I'm rarely a romance reader, and really have no desire to read most historical fiction. But these books aren't as bad as I feared they would be. They're fun and light and you could probably read them all over the course of a week if you were dedicated to it. I don't know that there's anything (to me) that makes them really stand out, but other than being rather dated, and depicting some historical-ish things, I don't think there is anything too offensive about them, either.

I also... don't love Julia Quinn's writing style. These books -- are literally all the same structure of book. Some of the plot details, and the character tropes are different. But if you read one, you've read all of them, so you either have to get on board with that, or not. I also have to quibbles with the writing -- first of all, the men, omg, are usually pretty terrible. Most of the time they're prone to anger and they're just kind of asshats all the way around. The second thing is a writer-y thing. Quinn lets a scene go on and on and on for way too long without really doing anything, which caused the books to drag a bit. These books could have worked at half length, but ah well.

I think also, one thing that I wrestled with throughout, is that I think my favorite aspect of all the books -- was more about the Bridgertons as a family, and sibling dynamics, etc, than the actual romances. I don't know if any of the actual romances really worked for me, ultimately. None of them moved me emotionally the way I think they were supposed to. And that's fine. (No, I don't have a heart of stone - I just relate to romance stories in a different way than these books are presented, I suppose.) Idk - this thought may get another post.

That all said... The thing about ranking these is this -- all of it is incredibly subjective. Because I think the fact that they all use such different tropes, everyone is going to feel differently towards each book? And some things are going to resonate with certain people, while other people are going to enjoy aspects of other books? So - this is just tuned into my own tastes, and less about looking at how the books were written (because, honestly -- I'd rate them pretty much all at the same level) and more about how I felt when reading them.

8. When He Was Wicked (Francesca and Michael)

I know, I know, I know I'm starting off with a controversial choice. When I was looking into the books, there were so many people who put this near and at the top. And I do get it -- this might be the most solid love story of the bunch; Michael is one of the best leads in that he is the least problematic, this book definitely has the spiciest smutty scenes, and their arc to each other probably makes the most sense.

But my god, did I find this book utterly boring. Here's the thing -- a lot of this book is tied up with death, grieving, hurt, and comfort. There's a lot of tragedy in Francesca's story -- and I these kind of thematic elements resonate with a lot of readers, and I get that! It's just not for me. They aren't the tropes I seek out when reading romance, and I didn't find myself caring all that much.

Add to that the fact that Francesca probably has the least connection to her family, and Michael's yearning just doesn't do it for me as it does other people, and this book just doesn't work (for me). So, it's at the bottom.

7. The Duke and I (Daphne and Simon)

I was actually pleasantly surprised when I read the book that I didn't hate it, because (and I'm so sorry) I don't really love their romance on the screen. With the exception of the incredibly problematic moments (you know which ones...) this book is by no means bad. I just found it, like When He Was Wicked, a bit boring at times. (I don't think it helps that I've seen the show enough times that I know the plot pretty well, and this book is adapted rather well for the show.)

My biggest issue is that Daphne is a rather blank slate -- ready for you to fill her in with your own experiences because she is almost a stand in for the reader more so than an actual character. And Simon is going to kick off a long line of male characters who have daddy and anger issues. But it also is the book that feels the most historical? I felt like we were in Regency England -- as opposed to pretty much all the rest of them feeling like generically historical.

Again, it's decently written for what it is, just feels a bit bland, which is why it's near the bottom.

6. To Sir Phillip, With Love (Eloise and Phillip)

I honestly expected to hate this book based on its reputation for being at the bottom or nearly at the bottom of every rankings list I sought out before I jumped into these. And... I didn't hate it. Is it the worst written one? Probably. Is Phillip Crane just a terrible person? Oh, absolutely. Is it hard to go to this Eloise after loving show Eloise so dearly? You bet!

But I didn't hate it -- and, even if there are definitely elements that are truly terrible, it kept me more engaged than the previous two books. I read somewhere recently that this book is also, kinda, a Beauty and the Beast retelling and I'm like -- huh, that makes a lot of sense. I can totally see it.

This book gets bumped up, also, for having one of my favorite sequences in the entirety of the series -- when Eloise's four brothers end up showing up at Phillip's doorstep to defend their sister. It's kind of hilarious, and as someone who really likes the sibling dynamics of these books, really works for me.

There's actually some fun things going on in this book... if you can overlook some of the more problematic aspects of it (and yes, it definitely has a lot of those, which is why it's near the bottom.)

5. An Offer From A Gentleman (Benedict and Sophie)

Hey, it's the Cinderella story -- and my god, it's literally Cinderella... in the first third of the book. And you know, I actually did like the first half of this book pretty well. I think Sophie is probably one of the sweetest characters in these books. And I think the story, overall, hangs together pretty well.

Which is why I have it here in the middle. The unfortunate thing is that half way through, things take a real turn, and Benedict -- who is mostly a blank slate at best up until this point -- becomes possibly one of the worst male characters in any of these books. He's raging and possessive and is just kind of a jerk, which makes the second half of the book unpleasant to read.

Which is a real shame, because I think I like the overall ideas in the book; the fairy tale angle, My Cottage, the fact that Sophie starts working for the Bridgertons... there are a lot of really good and interesting plot points going on, and the only real thing weighing it down is the fact that Benedict is an asshat...

4. On The Way To The Wedding (Gregory and Lucy)

It is kind of funny that this book ends up as high as it does, because it's almost by default. I struggled with the first half of this book. Really, I did. It suffers from being somewhat bland and boring in the way the bottom two books on this list suffer. But man that second half...

It's just kind of a bonkers wild ride that throws everything at the wall. There's actually some action going on (other than sexual, these books don't see a whole lot of action) and the characters become a bit wacky. Maybe that's due to Quinn being at the end of the line with this series, but man, I appreciate these characters kind of breaking out of their expected molds.

And Gregory and Lucy are likable enough. I don't know if I fully buy their romance, Gregory switches on a dime from one girl to the next, but honestly, they're more enjoyable to spend time with than many of the other couples on this list, so I'll take it.

3. The Viscount Who Loved Me (Anthony and Kate)

You know, I toyed with this being number one for a while, and I honestly see why it often tops a lot of lists. It really was a fun book to read -- the whole enemies to lovers, Taming of the Shrew stuff really works. Plus, both Kate and Anthony are well drawn, engaging and interesting characters. I think some of the best actual character of the series work is done in this novel, and it might be the romance I think works the best? (Kind of? I think it might be the romance that Quinn manages to portray the best? idk...) Plus, the story just remains engaging all the way through.

I also think this is some of the most fun, broader world stuff going on. The sibling dynamics are great, the pall mall stuff is a lot of fun, they get the best second epilogue when the family gets together again, and there's some great stuff with Penelope!

I guess what's holding me back from actually placing it on top is the fact that I wasn't a huge fan of the last third(-ish) of the novel. The way they're forced into marriage is just kind of dumb (seriously - no one would believe the bee sting?) and it just felt like Anthony took a little too long to settle into his marriage.

But this book is really good -- and if I were to recommend only one book to new fans, it'd probably be this one.

2. Romancing Mister Bridgerton (Colin and Penelope)

I've really had to sit and think about this one, and have been back and fourth about its placement for a long while. And... it kind of comes down to this...

Penelope is one of the best characters in this whole series (even if she really is only in the first four books). She just is; and I really love her and her story and despite the fact that I have issues with this book (and my god, I have issues with this book) I think my love for her as a character kind of transcends that. The Lady Whistledown stuff, too, remains one of the most interesting elements of these books (and it's a damn shame it disappears after this book). And that is why I have this one so high.

Because, my god Colin. Okay. So here's the thing that really hurts, though --- Colin in every other book I absolutely adore. I really do, he's hilarious and charming and fun and a good guy. And the problem in his own book is that Quinn tries to force him from being the easy going, fun one into crazy angry guy like Simon, Anthony, and Benedict before him -- and it makes him come off as a mentally unstable asshat as he swings between those two character types, and I think with better characterization, had Colin not swung so hard in that angry direction, I would have fully loved this book.

I would have even said this is a great book.

So, I don't know, maybe I love the possibility of this book more than the actual book itself, maybe I just have fallen in love with the characters so much in the last four months I'm giving this one a pass, maybe because I like the characters outside this book, too, that I'm giving it some room, but I just feel it goes here. And, i mean, there truly is a lot I do like about the book, too, don't get me wrong. but it's not perfect, it's not the best, and I get that. But it means something to me, and I suppose that's what matters.

1. It's In His Kiss (Hyacinth and Gareth)

Hyacinth is a goddamn delight, and this was the only book of the series that I truly enjoyed the whole way through.

And I think, in a way kind of opposite of Francesca's book, there are a bunch of tropes all working together that are a bunch of my favorite tropes. It's a funny book -- Hyacinth is a true joy in pretty much all the books she is in, and she gets to be fun and banter-y here with Gareth. This book is a comedy, in some ways, and that's great. She and Gareth go on sleuthing and solving mysteries together, which of course I love. And the two of them fall in love as they become friends and grow closer together through the shared interest of the mystery. And I mean, yeah, I am here for all of that.

Like all of these books, it's not perfect -- Gareth suffers (on a milder level) of the angry, daddy issue male lead thing. And there are times when I'm like, good god, Julia Quinn, why....

But after really thinking about it, and thinking about which books I'd really like to have and/or read again, this one just kept bubbling back up the list. Because besides RMB, this is, possibly, the only one I have a desire to read again. Because it was a delight.

And... there we go! All the Bridgerton Books Ranked. :)

[justatalkingface]

My problem with MHA

is something I've realized that can be boiled down to one simple fact: Hori doesn't respect his story. Everything else, everything I and others talk about, originate from that one fact, like waves from a boulder dropped into a pond.

It feels to me that Hori is so focused on telling a story that he's lost track of, or interest in, all the parts in the story. So, this may be dipping too much into personal opinion here, but to me, writing a story like this is like you're creating a world, a world inhabited by people, each of which is motivated by their own fears and desires. When it comes to things happening, what a certain character does at any given point, I think writing should exist around the rule of, 'What would this character do in this situation', and yet in MHA, we see instead, 'What does this character need to do to make what I want to happen happen', mixed with what seems to be an uncertain grasp on the 'what I want to happen' even is.

The thing is... the characters aren't real, but for a story to be successfully, they need to be sold to us as if they're real. Hori can't just point and say, 'This is a bunch of artistically arranged black ink', he has to say, 'Meet Izuku. He's in junior high. He wants to be a hero. He likes helping people and All Might, and cries maybe a smidgen too much, but he really means well'.

We can't just look at his pretty pictures, we have to have a connection to the characters, we have to feel for them, like they're real.

And for that to work, they have to treated like they're people, with desires and impulses of their own, otherwise that connection with them, that thing that's so essential for keeping an audience, isn't going to stick.

Let's go with a super easy example here: Izuku is walking down a street, and he sees a crying child. What does he do?

Does he:

A. Try and comfort the child?

B. Keep walking?

C. Tell them to shut up?

Or, D. Start break dancing because he's filled with the overwhelming desire to go into a career as a background dancer?

...Alright, I don't think I need explain what the correct answer is, but let me ask you this: what if he does, say, B instead? Let's say I'm suddenly a super good artist, and I throw together a chapter where Izuku ignores a crying child as he walks down the road.

Wouldn't that feel weird?

Because that's the thing; it's very clear what Izuku would do in this situation, to the point where it's in his DNA as a character, but if I write it out where he doesn't do what Izuku, as a person, would do, it'll feel off. It's out of character, and out of character behavior is dangerous if you want to have a good story. It can be managed, but if you over do it... well. There's a reason there's a BNHA critical tag.

Like, it can be done well, but there needs to be a reason, is the thing. Let's say that chapter I made continues and suddenly we learn that Izuku was just informed his mom has cancer. That would explain why he's acting different than usual, except he's still being treated as a person, in that he's reacting to something that's happening, an extreme event that's altering his life, and that's the reason why he's not acting like he normally would.

So. Let's apply that logic again.... how about this? Why is Hawks OK with Endeavour abusing his children?

Not, why is he working with Endeavour, because he canonly does things he doesn't want to for what he thinks is the greater good, but why is he OK with it? Why isn't he upset? Why isn't he disappointed that Endeavour, a hero, his hero, the very symbol of hope that kept him going through a childhood an abusive father, is himself an abusive father?

What is the reason, here?

*looks around as crickets echo*

...Nothing? Yeah. There is no reason that we can tell that he should be this overwhelmingly positive about the situation, and yet that is what we have. Hawks, the character, isn't acting like Hawks, the person.

Like I said, this goes back to just about every problem you can have with this story:

Why is Momo, a genius with an OP Quirk so seemingly useless?

Why does everyone just laugh off Bakugou when he treats them like shit?

Why is All Might so stupid when he's a grown ass man who has lived on his own for his entire adult life, isolated from literally everyone, and yet is also wildly successful in his chosen career?

Why doesn't anyone seem angry about Endeavour?

Hell, this logic even applies to the setting:

MHA is set in a society where a major part of the social contract is built off the idea that people can't be trusted to use their Quirks, but they also don't have to, because heroes are there. Every major problem is dealt with by heroes, citizen, so don't sweat the hard stuff and go about your day; the way their society continues is built off an unrealistic and impossible faith in a bunch of people who are being incentivized to act in increasingly mercenary ways, yet it's made clear to us that the average person still thinks everything is fine, and so they continue to be blinded to reality by lifelong propaganda and a social system that will harshly punish those who stir up a fuss by labeling them 'villains', officially or otherwise. The problem being, of course, that that set up is doomed to fail, and by the time of the War Arc, trust in heroes is dropping.... and then thousands of people die as the heroes take an enormous loss in actually achieving their main goals, publicly. With video evidence, to boot. Shigaraki and Co ride off in the sunset and leave the image that everything is going to be OK in ruins behind them.

That fundamental part of the social contract is falling apart, the blinders are falling off, and people are losing trust. So, in that atmosphere, how do people react to the idea that their new Number One Hero made one of the biggest villains around, both in a literal and metaphorical sense? A few angry press conferences? Some angry mobs everyone treats as stupid and pointless?

Or... something more, perhaps? Because that's the thing, with Dabi's plan: it's simple yet effective in that he says, 'Society is a lie', and then he slaps everyone with enough truth that no one can ignore him.

Forget mobs; why in the fuck is the Todoroki's house still standing? Why aren't people throwing things at Endeavour when he walks by them in the streets? Why aren't Dabi's victims suing him for what his son has done? Endeavour is the Number One Hero, he is the symbol of everything 'right' in society, and that fact that symbol is rotten to the core is brushed over in the story.

Doesn't that seem weird? There should be entire arcs on the fallout of this alone, because MHA Japan at that point should be filled with a lot of very scared, very angry, very unhappy people, who are primed to act irrationally and take out their frustrations on anyone they think is responsible for it, and the people in charge are handling their valid concerns... poorly.

*looks at Enji 'Watch Me' Todoroki meaningfully*

It's like that because Hori doesn't respect his world enough to treat it realistically.

And look, I get that he needs to keep writing, and he needs to keep on track, even if he realizes the story would diverge from his plan if he just let things progress organically (even if MHA has some real signs of having been changed once or twice in new, forced directions in it), but what he's been doing all this time is sacrificing his characters to tell his story, not just once or twice but all the time. And the thing is? The characters are how he can tell that story, they are the foundation the story is built off of; if he undermines his characters, then he is undermining his story.

[marvel-starwarsfangirl]

Clone X Theory- Who is he?

Major spoilers for "Infiltration" and "Extraction"

Who is Clone X? This is a question we have all been wondering since he first showed up in the trailer. There's so many of them so it's possible we're seeing multiple ones. But what about the one we saw in today's episodes? The one we focused on as he infiltrated Rex's base? Based on his dialogue and how he kept surviving, I feel he's definitely not some random assassin. One thing I'd like to also point out is that he's an exceptional sharpshooter, as are the other clone assassins. It's possible they got enhancements the way Crosshair did, but it's just a thought.

There are two contenders for the identity of this man: Cody and Tech.

Clone X and the other clone assassin both knew Crosshair, with the latter mocking him about the program. Clone X later fights Crosshair one-on-one. He tells Crosshair that he had his chance and that he chose the wrong side. The emotional weight this would have if we learn it is Tech or Cody. Crosshair had a connection to this person and to see them brainwashed is heartbreaking. And the fact that this person felt that Crosshair abandoned them... this is heartbreaking to think about.

Cody: last we heard of Cody, he went AWOL. At least, that's what Rampart told us and we all know how trustworthy he is. Could it be that Rampart found out about Cody's refusal to kill the senator and had him sent to Tantiss? The answer is probably yes. We also haven't heard from Cody since "The Solitary Clone." No one has mentioned his location at all.

Cody also has a past with Crosshair as seen in both CW and TBB. At the end of "The Solitary Clone," he tells Crosshair that they aren't droids and can make their own decisions. The irony of those being Cody's last words before being turned into an assassin... truly horrifying. We also don't have a fitting end to Cody's story so this could be a possibility.

Tech: the Tech Debate has been going on ever since "Plan 99." There are so many theories for and against his death. For starters, SW does have a bad habit of seemingly killing off characters and then reviving them two episodes/shows later. Gregor and Maul are prime examples of this. Tech staying dead would show that SW does commit to real consequences and keep the emotional weight of his sacrifice.

But, they never talk about him, at least on screen. If Tech were truly gone, I think we would've seen the Batch grieve more, especially Crosshair. Look at Rebels for two seconds. Kanan gets killed and then the following episode is about the Ghost crew mourning his death. We get time to process and come to terms with his sacrifice. Tech doesn't get that. This makes his story feel unresolved. Why would they intentionally keep important conversations regarding a main character out unless they weren't done with him?

There are also smaller details like Clone X limping away. Now, this could be simply due to the fact he got a bunch of rocks thrown on him, but Tech also broke his leg once upon a time in season 2. This is just a stretch though. The voice is also modulated meaning he could be Tech or Cody.

And again there's the fight between Clone X and Crosshair. The writers intentionally paired these two together. Crosshair is a failed attempt at Hemlock's program, but Clone X isn't. Wouldn't it be so heartbreaking if it was Tech and Crosshair was unknowingly fighting his fallen brother? Clone X is very Winter Soldier-coded and having him be someone we and the Batch know personally would only add to it.

Alright guys, that's all I have for now. I have a feeling episode "The Harbinger" will be about Clone X. But who do you think it is? Tech? Cody? A random guy?

[discyours]

I am sorry if its too much, you dont have to answer. For some reason i feel so deeply defeated and inadequate, i love my partner who is a female, as am i. and sometimes i cant stop thinking of how nature intended her to be with a male, not with me. I know this must sound stupid, i dont know how to get over when those thoughts hit, of how sexed bodies are made to be together, the sexual organs compliment each other in form, to connect and give pleasure, reproduce. Even if i couldnt care less about having children i know that this is crucial in nature. I guess i am just just heartbroken over the fact that the body of the person i love…was not meant to be with me? Whenever those thoughts come it feels so slashing. I wish i could feel love the way i do and not feel so wrong about it

Have you ever heard of the grandmother hypothesis? Most animals die as soon as they reach the end of their reproductive lifespan. Humans are one of very few exceptions (it's just us and a couple of whale species). Evolution has determined that we still have immense purpose when we aren't reproducing - in fact that's likely to be one of the biggest factors in humans being able to form such strong communities, compared to other species who spend their entire adult lives bearing and then caring for their own young.

We're all being lied to by people who insist that nature urges us to reproduce as much as we can, to fend for ourselves, to let the weak die out. Humans are social animals. Caring for the old, the weak, the disabled is in our nature (which means constantly caring for our own children can't be). People who aren't preoccupied with their own kids are vital to the way our species functions and it's engrained in our nature, both through the existence of menopause and the fact that some people are gay. Your attraction is natural and your girlfriend's nature drew her towards you, exactly as it was supposed to.

Straight sex is overrated. As a bisexual woman I've never felt that my body was better designed to have sex with men than with women - to the contrary. PIV can hurt and give you UTIs, semen can throw off your PH to the point of causing yeast infections, men spread disease far more easily than women do and pregnancy can kill you. Oh and giving a woman oral is a tongue workout at worst, as opposed to giving you TMJ dysfunction. Personally having sex with a woman felt a lot more like having sex the way it was naturally intended, as opposed to having to deal with a whole bunch of obstacles in order to make it work.

[sweetnnaivete]

DISSECT SYBILL PLEASE

YESS OK !!! sybill is one of my favorite underrated characters she's literally SO full of things to talk about.

!! not proofread !!

i think she was raised in a middle class household trying to hold onto its former wealth / notoriety, particularly being known for their divination skills. however, i don't think any of them are actual seers. they may be able to read tea leaves or see crystal balls accurately, but sybill is the only true seer. from a young age she was made to help her family pretty much scam people — both muggles and wizards — by offering prophecies and protective spells. this, along with only having phony divination teachers, made her become the unreliable seer she is in canon.

she suffers from chronic night terrors, sleep paralysis, and sleep walking, but most of the time she can't remember exactly what happened, except that she was scared. this makes her never want to go to sleep, so she's always sleep deprived and relies on tea (she would only drink coffee in private — has to keep up her tea drinking perception !!!). she's known as a freakish loser, and only really gains friends later in her school years. this is mainly from how other people see her, but also because she's kind of pretentious and doesn't think other people are worth her time.

her eventual friends i think would include peter, xenophilius, and possibly some other minor characters that i can't think of rn !! but she's not really connected with any of them. she mainly smokes pot with them, and sometimes they have group trauma dumping sessions. xenophilius definitely ADORES her. i see him as being at least a year above her in school, and she would fascinate him sm i genuinely would love their dynamic. he'd see her as both a creepy little pet and the sweetest, saddest girl alive.

she was definitely bullied a little, but i don't think she really let it get to her head, so people kinda gave up on that. some of her bullies may have been the slytherin group (barty especially), james potter, maybe mary and marlene slightly? and just general gossiping and rumor spreading. but again, she didn't notice and / or didn't care.

she wasn't academically smart per se, but she was fairly people smart — she just dgaf lollll like in theory she could be very empathetic or whatever, but i genuinely don't know why she would be... she doesn't care about these people !!! this does cause very strained relationships with her family and the majority of her friends though.

BONUS PEBILL for the shippers out there:

i don't ship these guys that much sorry 🫣 BUT i have Thoughts.

i think they both teach each other something. sybill teaches peter to be more individualistic as well as showing how his friends aren't always as nice of people as he thinks they are. peter shows sybill compassion, and as a result she gets to be more in touch with her own emotions.

she would totally send him on little excursions in rat form to pick up gossip that they would later talk about. she would also LOVE to freak him out by reading his palm or checking his tea leaves, and then watch in glee as he was paranoid for the rest of the day.

i think if they were to actually date, they would be a very cute couple. she's the scary but secretly sweet and soft girlfriend, he's the friendly guy who shows her off to all his friends. she definitely influences him a bunch, and he will use any excuse to bring her into a conversation; ie, "i think it's going to rain" "i'll go ask sybill then 😊"

when she gets grumpy or upset or scared, he knows how to make her feel safe and comfortable, and when he feels frustrated or dejected, she can make him laugh.

guys wait i kinda ship it

[zemnian-newcomer]

It's late in the evening, I'm tired, I have work early tomorrow, this will not be coherent, but I have Thoughts about the beginnings of C2 and C3 and how they differ structurally that will not be contained so here I go.

(This got long so I'm putting it under a read more)

Obligatory disclaimer that this is not a judgement of the quality of either campaign in any way, I absolutely loved the Mighty Nein and am liking Bell's Hells a lot so far (I'm up to episode 30, so no spoilers past that please)

So right from the start, C3 felt much more fast-paced and more... densely plotted, I guess, than C2.

The Mighty Nein in their early days travelled together, but felt like they could have fallen apart at any time. It took until around the 20 episode mark for me to feel like they had grown together enough for it to hold. (Ironically, that was immediately put to the test with the Iron Shepherds arc.) Contrast that with Bell's Hells, who felt like a much more cohesive group from the single digits.

A lot of it, of course, comes down to the characters. While Bell's Hells as a group are a bunch of weirdos, there aren't actually that many "strong" personalities among them, which the Mighty Nein were full of. Think about Beau clashing with both Molly and Caleb, Nott/Veth stealing from Fjord, Fjord holding a sword to Caleb's throat, Caleb acting without communicating, Molly generally being more of a shit-stirrer - with Yasha not being there most of the time, one of the best team players they had was Jester. Meanwhile Bell's Hells generally get along pretty well. The closest thing to actual conflict within the party so far was probably Chetney not liking Dorian, and even that got better within a few episodes.

On the other hand, the plot (as far as I can see it) of C3 involves the characters a lot more than the starting plot of C2. The early Mighty Nein took quests/assignments, but they didn't have much to do with them personally until the Iron Shepherds (and, well, the guy they got some of the assignments from turned out to be Jester's father, but they didn't know that at the time). What eventually turned into one of the bigger plots was nearly just one encounter in the sewers of Zadash. It didn't involve them, they involved themselves. The plot of C3 so far (and from what spoilers I've seen, also going forward) involves several of the characters on a very personal level.

There is also a very big difference in character drives and motivations. Several of Bell's Hells have a mystery or problem they're either curious about or actively trying to figure out, which means they're very likely to bite on plot hooks that seem to be related to that mystery or problem. Meanwhile most of the Mighty Nein were actually running away from their shit, and it took months of in game time for them to grow enough to face it. (Molly being the exception in that he, in a way, successfully ran away from his shit and left everyone else to deal with it.)

Which is what leads me to why I actually made this post, the way different characters' backstories and motivations get weaved together and into the bigger picture. As of episode 30, Orym, Imogen, and Fearne all have an immediate connection to the Ruidus storyline, with Orym and Imogen having followed this thread together for a long time since figuring out that their individual quests led them on the same path.

I don't really have a point to this, it's just cool to see the different ways a story can be built in DND, with C3 so far being a really elegant way of tying character motivations together and using them to further the plot, while C2 was more of a lesson in having the characters lead the way and building the story off of their actions.

[jamietwat]

I am so curious about your writing process. I’m reading Bizarre Love Triangle and I’m absolutely bewildered by both how cohesive it is and how fast you post.

Like when Keeley asked to go running with Roy and Jamie last chapter, several chapters after Jamie initially invited her in Amsterdam. Did you know that was coming when you wrote the Amsterdam scene, thus making it work on two levels to establish that Keeley needed space and to set up this later scene? Or was it a coincidence?

Do you outline? In detail? Or just have a general vibe for what happens in each chapter. Or do you figure out plot points as you go? How do you write so fast? Do you write throughout the day or sit down at a certain time and just bang out a bunch of words?

Feel free to entirely ignore this ask. I’m just so fascinated about your entire process and I know I love gushing about writing so if you want to share anything about your process, I would be interested in reading about it

Okay, I absolutely love this question and an excuse to get into it 👀

Like all of my writing, this turned out far longer than I anticipated so my apologies in advance and I'm gonna pop a read more in now

Sometimes I sit down to specifically try to write and finish off a chapter, but a lot of the progress before that is from writing stuff on my phone throughout the day when my brain is on it or when I have a minute. Also, after almost every chapter there's like a day where I don't write at all or write like 100 words and then a point when I go into super writing mode. Almost all of what I write is written in a not necessarily chronological order within the chapter itself but most chapters I work on when I'm on them without jumping ahead with a few exceptions when something wouldn't get out of my head enough that I ended up writing it before going to the chapter I was actually on

Most things are intentionally dropped knowing that I'm coming back to them and when and there are still a bunch of setups hanging all over the place for things we're still coming to. Some things set up stuff pretty close to them (like Colin's aren't you worried Roy's going to cut your dick off now that you're both dating Keeley and Jamie being like no vs when they're sharing a bed the same night and Jamie's internally like Roy is so going to cut my dick off if he finds out I'm bi after this). But lots of them are for things further off and generally, I already know that I'm going to drop the hint at that point before I even get to that point

There's a lot of stuff I put in on purpose and laughed thinking about how it would come back up later. I've already gotten back around to a good chunk of them, but I still have lots of those left to get back to too. The first thing that comes to mind for one that I still have left open is how this is going to come back around later and make a liar of Roy when the team finds out about Roy and Jamie

Occasionally, I think oh this would work with that and throw it in later on without it having originally been foreshadowing, but most of it is intentionally there with the intention of coming back to it

There's the rare time where something's a coincidence (like something next chapter that I realized fit very well with something in the first chapter when rereading some of the older sections without realizing how well it connected before then)

And then ironically, the Jamie asking Keeley to run thing is kind of the exception where originally I was going to have her go at one point with them in Amsterdam and have it contribute more to her being like oh my god I need alone time when suddenly they're inviting her along every day and she's like absolutely not but instead the first chapter of it went how it did and the second chapter skipped ahead to her needing a break and her not going fit so much better but I knew I was also leaving it open for her to go with them later at some point

I just didn't realize it would be last chapter until I was already writing it and saw the direction the morning sections were going and went okay, this is a good time to add this in

And then in terms of outlining, I've reached a point where I end up having to do some level of outline for the chapters but I didn't do that at the start. And how detailed the outline is depends on how hard it is to make sure things go in the right order. But a whole lot of what happens in what order is still just in my head

Since the very start, it's been a lot of holding everything in my head and knowing a lot of what was coming in the long run and short run. And at that point, I wasn't writing things down as a plan but I could benchmark where things happened on the calendar in my head for the June stuff easily like

which weekend was Father's Day meant the team had to find out about them at Sam's restaurant the weekend before

Phoebe had to already know about the Roy and Keeley part before that because of the Cora and Roy conversation before they went to Sam's restaurant

Pride had to come after Father's Day and before the end of school

The end of school had to be where stuff like Leanne asking Roy out showed up

Then off-season stuff was more vaguely in my head like

the stuff with Phoebe around a lot has to go in there and be there some before they go on the trip

but they have to go early enough that Jamie's piercings have time to start healing before pre-season training

And I kind of knew what had to happen before pre-season training, during it, and during actual season

And I generally know the order that the big stuff happens but some of the stuff I moved around in a swapping around the order of plot points kind of way but still keeping them mostly the same (like originally Roy was not going to find out about the pegging thing before the Pride game and it was going to be a chunk after but that worked better when I got going)

Also, some stuff changed in a bigger way longer ago where I decided against the original plan for whatever reason (like originally Keeley was going to meet Cora at the first game of the season, but then that was too long of a wait and Roy bringing around her before then intentionally made more sense so it made way more sense to put her in the Father's Day chapter)

And as far as an organization system goes, I have like 4 systems on the go tbh and I have used some combination of them for each of the chapters since about chapter 7

Chapter 7 (the one where they make the group chat and then later go to Sam's restaurant and tell everybody and like a million things happen there) is the first one where I won't oh fuck I need to write some things down to remember what else needs put in here so it got a list like this in the notes app when I was a good chunk in and was trying to hold in my head all the stuff that had to happen still and how to make it flow in a logical order and then I did not go in that order but checked them off as I went to keep track of what I still needed to get to:

(Also some things blatantly changed between making the list and actually writing them to make them fit better with how things were moving around or to cut them because a different endpoint for the chapter was better):

And for a while it was a lot of holding things in my head and that with the chunks I needed to figure out the order to put in still

And then there was the woefully mislabelled chapters plan for where the things before the season went (with things we aren't yet or that got moved to later redacted). This was useful for a while for not forgetting things but also I don't use anymore because I remember where things are going beyond it and it was missing things past where I cut this off because it got vaguer on timeline the further off the benchmark events were

(the scratched out part there is actually happening in the next update now because it really wasn't a priority to get put there)

(also the chapter 17 part is so long because I remembered shit that had to come between what I had there and what I had as chapter 18 and added it in there and didn't bother to change the numbers even though clearly it was not going to be one chapter anymore)

The sharing the same bed casually thing got moved around for reasons also, partly keeping moving wise and partly working better a different way wise, but mostly this was just a rough estimate of where that would happen anway

Also, why is this also labelled chapter 17? Idk I probably forgot about stuff that needed to go in (which was kind of the whole point of making the list so I would hopefully remember things and add them in there and be able to refer back and not later go oh fuck this should have happened) and put them in later that day between and forgot to relabel things underneath because I was going to do it later and then made a separate note for what actually was chapter 17 and what was chapter 18

Also, there's a lot of stuff that was planned for not quite that long like Colin figuring Jamie out that still was planned for a long time before we got to them but either got missed on this list or weren't planned quite yet or didn't have a spot in the timeline yet and then everything after this on the list is spoilers for the future while also it doesn't really have that much left anyway because that was mostly sorting out the how to get from pre-Amsterdam to the start of the season without losing something important

Also, fun fact, I'm pretty sure this used to be labelled worse and that this is after I had already reworked Amsterdam being 3 chapters but maybe this is the original version. Who knows? Certainly not me... Maybe that's how there ended up being two chapter 17s

And then phone notes ended up not cutting it for trying to keep track of all the parts of a chapter and whose POV each part should be and trying to make it fairly even (except for when there was a reason not to with Keeley having a break from them) and make sure one person isn't disappearing from having a POV forever for no reason so notes app lists became less common unless I was jotting down scenes before putting them into the actual plan when I was really stuck but since chapter 16, it's mostly been

Sorting out what happens into whose POV it is and moving things around or adding in a vague something to put in if someone had way more or less in a thing like this and then adding the numbers for what order things go in and sometimes it ended up changing from this but it was mostly accurate. Also, some chapters don't have this. Some have it from before I started writing. Some have to sort it out after I have some stuff down and then went wait I've gotta figure this out

And then most also have this as a more clear what order things happen thing and making sure that one colour isn't missing for forever (also I highkey don't write their names anymore and just have the colours) (also this is a short ass list, usually there's 17-23 things on there at the start and then how long the scenes themselves end up typically determines if I end up splitting things up again)

The X there means I went never mind I don't need this and then the rest were checked off as I finished the scene. Also, usually I don't have what days things happen, that's just because I was trying to keep track of them specifically because it had to start on a Monday when Keeley was back at work after the trip and end with Roy and Keeley seeing Jamie's dad on the Saturday

Also sometimes the second part is just numbers in the colours. Sometimes there is no other system and it's just the list and what happens. Sometimes scenes get cut or added after that anyway. How much I outline or rely on the outline really depends on how confusing it is to keep track of the POVs switching to make it work out fairly evenly and without too much of someone at a time and someone else dropping off the map for too long. The Pride game one was pretty easy to keep track of because there was almost always a reason why it had to be that character's POV for that part but sometimes sorting out like this is the only way I know whose POV to use for a scene without having to change it later instead

[greatwyrmgold]

I finally watched the Nimona movie. Interesting differences between it and the comic:

My god, the titular character takes well to animation. Looking at her as a static 2D image just ain't the same. (Except her kaiju form. They couldn't do sketchy, so they just did an unshaded black blob.)

Since it's CGI (albeit with a bunch of neat shaders and stuff that make it look more traditionally-animated), Nimona's a bit more limited in her transformations. It's an acceptable tradeoff for getting to see more in-betweens, but still.

Another inevitable change is that Nimona's cuter. Not just her base human design, but all of her shapes, from the wolf to the dragon to the cat. (That malevolent beastie.) I wouldn't mind Nimona's base design being cuter or her animal forms being pink if she was allowed to look dangerous when she was mauling people, but she still looks cute.

Also inevitable, at least in a mass-market adaptation: Movie!Nimona still talks a big game about murder and destruction, but she's less gung-ho about following through than comic!Nimona.

I don't wanna be mean, but the comic did a way better job balancing its tone than the movie. It slips from comedy to action-drama without much issue, while the movie plays a major character getting stabbed, apparently lethally, while the villain is monologuing about her motivations, for slapstick comedy. Yeah, sometimes murder was used as a punchline in the comic, but not like this.

Comic!Ballister works for a group called the Agency, who seemed like a bunch of villains balancing out the heroic forces of the Institution. They didn't get much focus, so I'm not surprised the movie left them out.

Some very specific moments had their contexts changed enough that they're completely different but also the same. Like, the board game scene is moved later in the story, so it goes from "Ballister and Nimona aren't really connecting" to "Look at how Ballister and Nimona have connected!"

No Dr. Blitzmeyer. :(

Most of the world is a lot sci-fi-ier, but Ballister's mad scientist edges have been mostly sanded off. I don't think movie!Ballister even owns an Erlenmeyer flask!

Ballister was also framed for killing the queen, rather than being expelled after losing an arm. This makes the Institution seem less bad, and also removed Ballister's agency in opposing the Institution. Insofar as he does.

The comic!Institution has control over the media; when Ballister releases evidence of the Institution's crimes, they cover it up. When movie!Ballister does an equivalent thing, it spreads and everyone believes it.

The Institution feels different in a lot of ways, actually. Like how the knights come off as dudebro frat jocks. Or how they don't really control the media for anything except wanted posters. Or how the Institution's jaderoot refinement and weapons development are replaced with the Director assassinating the queen via commoner-knight patsy.

Speaking of the Queen, the movie threw in a bunch of worldbuilding stuff absent from the comic. Gloreth-worship and a wall and a supposedly-dangerous world outside the wall and stuff.

At the same time, while the comic had a world outside what the Institution controls, with other countries and raiders and stuff, the movie...well, everyone inside the walls thinks there's no one outside the walls.

This is kinda irrelevant, but in the comic it's briefly mentioned that the other orphans beat up Ambrosius because he's an orphan who pretends to have a noble dad. In the movie, he and the other non-Ballister knights come from noble families.

Time frame.

I don't just mean "oh, the story was compressed to squeeze it into feature length." That happened, but the backstory is compressed too. In the comic, Ballister's been a one-armed villain for years before Nimona shows up. In the movie, he holds the queen-killing weapon one night and Nimona shows up the next day.

This has a lot of knock-on effects, especially on the Ballister/Ambrosius relationship. In the comic, things had calcified; Ballister's resentment towards Ambrosius, Ambrosius's justifications for keeping things the same. The backstory broke their relationship, and it turned into a messy rivalry; the events of the comic broke that rivalry, opened a path for them to make a new relationship.

But the events of the movie are, ultimately, just a blip in Ballister and Ambrosius's romance, a blip that's taken critical damage by the middle of Act 2. It feels like one of those annoying misunderstanding-based subplots, with the twist that it's shorter than normal. There's no time for them to settle down into a new status quo, so they don't.

And by the same token, movie!Nimona still gets hurt when kids see her as a monster, when her comic counterpart's equivalent emotional wounds had long since scarred over. She doesn't try to trick Ballister into thinking she's something she's not; she's very upfront about being a weird shapeshifter.

All three of the important characters in Nimona feel fresher, less-experienced. And I guess in that context, or rather by removing that context,* the other changes in their characterization makes sense. I just...don't like it as much.

*Okay, the context is still kinda there for Nimona, it's just kinda...relegated to fridge logic about how long she's been around.

Ballister is more appealing as a villain who's given up on his heroic dreams, until fate/his character arc makes him reconsider. Ambrosius questioning the Institution is more compelling when we see how he crushed his doubts for years, until fate/his character arc forces him to reconsider. Nimona's cynicism and reluctance to honestly open up are more interesting when they're clearly the result of someone slowly accepting that no one will love who they truly are, than when they're just normal character traits.

And I can't really make the same half-defense of the Institution's adaptation. Comic!Director was a villain, yes, but not a personal one. She's just the purest distillation of the values and goals of the Institution. The comic's villain is society, or at least its central institutions. Movie!Director can't even get the Institution's goons to obey her by the end, because the problem was only her, the Institution around her was neutral at worse.

And the movie's Director is more cartoonishly evil. When comic!Ambrosius starts to question comic!Director, she demotes him, citing his apparent lack of resolve in defeating Ballister's monster. When movie!Ambrosius does the same, movie!Director gives a brief soliloquy about her motivations and stabs Ambrosius in the gut.

Movie!Director's goals are also different from the comic!Institution's in a subtle way. Subtle, but crucial.

M!Director wants to protect people from the specific (if fictional) threat of Monsters Outside the Wall. Her evil schemes are a consequence of her disagreeing with people about how to protect people.

C!Institution wants to maintain its power. That's why it refines a lot of jaderoot, why it tolerates the Agency, why its tolerance wanes once Ballister seems like a threat, why it wants to capture Nimona and turn her into a weapon.

All of this changes the conflict from Nimona (and Ballister) vs. Society to Ballister & Nimona vs. the Director. Not only is the Institution's antagonism condensed into one bad apple, the motivation changes from raw ambition to personal distrust. Not "you are a threat to my power, which I cannot accept," but "you are a monster, and monsters are bad".

And one change I really hate: Nimona's rampage is changed from being a direct consequence of the Institution locking her up, a side effect of her breaking free, to NImona having a kaiju-scale temper tantrum when Ballister implies she's a monster.

And she apparently is! Nimona wasn't turned into a monster as a defense against the monstrous things done to her; she had one really bad day, Joker-style, and apparently that's enough to turn her into a monster. And while c!Nimona's rampage is explicitly, exclusively directed at Institute facilities and leadership, m!Nimona's is just...smashing up a street full of civilians, almost stepping on some, because that's what she got to first.

It's like the movie doesn't want us to blame the Institution for Nimona's dragon rampage (drampage?), so it ends up blaming Nimona, or at least Nimona's trauma. And it. Fuck that!

(The movie also leaves out the process of Ballister slowly figuring out Nimona's powers, and indeed pretty much all explanation of what she's doing. That's fine, there's not time, I probably wouldn't even notice if I wasn't noticing all the other deviations.)

On the whole, the Nimona movie feels less like the Nimona comic than a Disney movie with queercoded heroes and a straightcoded villain. And even within that framework, it undermines itself.

Like that flashback scene where Nimona makes a friend which communicates so much without dialogue and almost communicates the sting of rejection and betrayal that way until some jackass decided they needed dialogue because god forbid the audience have one scene where they have to pay attention to understand what's going on!

I don't want to say the adaptation is worthless, but it's worth less than its source material. It aims lower, it says less, it tries not to make theoretical midwestern moms mad. Rereading the comic right before watching the movie was a mistake.

[microsuedemouse]

I'm just!! so goddamn fucking sad and lonely and frustrated

I miss my Nana so much. I've never lost someone so important to me and it's just this big gaping wound I don't know how to close. it scabs over but man it's just a SCAB where I'm missing a CHUNK. I don't even have to pick at it; it gets caught on just anything and tears open and bleeds and hurts and everyone says all you can do is wait for it to heal on its own but how am I supposed to do that

I put in a request for the day off on the 17th when we're burying her, but my manager apparently hasn't noticed and she scheduled me that day. and like. I know our bereavement policy entitles me to a day off for funeral/burial services. but I just don't want to have to go talk to my manager about it. it feels like such a personal thing to have to bring up to someone directly. and I don't know how to mention it without crying anyway, and my current manager is like... the last person at work I want to cry in front of

I had my first shift back at work today after three fucking weeks out sick. I'm still noticeably coughing/sniffling but it was time to get back to it. a couple supervisors said something like 'oh glad you're feeling better' and the customer service desk colleague who took a lot of my sick calls said she was glad to see me. besides that I had One Person ask where I'd been. others seemed surprised, when I had cause to mention how long I'd been off. and like... I know they're just my coworkers, and there are lots of reasons that people might have noticed my absence and still not said anything, but I feel. so uncared about. I saw people today that I at least THOUGHT I was on pretty friendly terms with who didn't say a word. and it's just. I know my coworkers aren't my friends, I know they have their own lives, I know it's possible to go a while without overlapping shifts and not really notice, but... it stings. I've been trying so hard for an entire goddamn year to connect with these people at all and it feels like no one really cared that I was sick for three weeks, except in that they had to figure out who was covering my shifts.

I've had jobs with people I cared about. I've worked places that people were happy to have me back after I had strep for a week. I'm not saying everyone at work Should be friends, but it would be nice not to feel so alienated from everyone.

and like, it sucks that I rely on work for all my social contact. I wish I could see my friends more easily. if I hadn't been sick I could've seen some people around Halloween, but that didn't work out. I can count On One Hand the outside-of-work in-person social interactions I've had with friends this calendar year. and I've been TRYING to connect with people closer to where I am but it's just so fucking hard to make anything happen.

my best friend loves me but is fairly inconsistent at responding to texts. I adore my friends' big discord but I feel lost and distant when I try to participate. no one else really thinks to message me directly almost ever. I don't blame anyone for any of this, because I'm not doing much better, but it ends with me being so disconnected from everything and everyone.

I hate the 'if they cared, they'd reach out' attitude. it's not fair and I don't believe in it. I know my friends care, and I know I'm not making myself super easy to reach out to a lot of the time. but I also hate that I just missed three weeks of work and apparently a bunch of my coworkers didn't even notice. like... do I exist? am I still here at all?

I keep thinking of things I admired in my Nana, and how much I wish I could be more like her. Not just so I could feel more like she's with me, but because I think a lot of the things she was good at are things I could really use right now. she knew how to talk to anyone. she knew how to work hard. she knew how to live life fully and enjoy things and take opportunities.

I hate daylight savings and dark falling at 5pm. I hate that all my friends are so far away. I hate that connecting with new people is so fucking hard. I hate that my birthday is less than a week away and I feel nothing about it except sad that my Nana won't be there. I hate that I don't know how to have a proper conversation with almost anyone anymore, even people I love immensely. I hate having to remind myself that the baseline good things I still have are Something To Be Grateful For instead of just like, the basis of any kind of life. (of course I'm thankful to live with the family I adore, to have a safe home, to be employed at all... but it sucks that I'm stuck at like, the bottom of maslow's pyramid. I want more than this and I'm tired of feeling guilty for wanting more than this.) I hate knowing that we're headed into winter, which is always a hard time of year, and it's only going to be harder this time if something doesn't get better really soon. I don't want to be sad or lonely anymore!! I want something good to happen!! I want to matter!! I want to feel joy that lasts longer than a giggle at a youtube video!! I want to be a person again!!

[thefact0rygirl]

Hi Vee💖. I love how you always have good advice and are always so kind, even if someone sends you not so nice anon messages. This isn’t anon hate so don’t worry, but I need your opinion on something. There’s been a lot of talk about the lack of reblogs, feedback, interaction. I agree with that 100%. I always reblog and leave kind comments because I want to let the writers I follow know how much I appreciate them. And while I don’t expect any of them to reblog what I said, it really hurts when I see writers interacting back with everyone else but me. I feel like I’m in high school again and I say hi to a bunch of cool girls and they all laugh at me or straight up ignore me. Am I that much of a loser? I don’t understand how writers can complain about lack of interaction and then only interact with their favorite mutuals and constantly ignore someone they may not be besties with, but at least they are doing the right thing and reblogging and being supportive. I’m not a newbie on here either. Sorry for sounding a bit depressing and down on myself. I guess I’m tired of feeling like I don’t matter. Am I being too sensitive or stupid? Sorry for the long ass message. And if you don’t want to respond to my nonsense, I understand. 😔

Hey babes 💕 Thank you for your kind words! No need to apologize, I have my own long ass reply 😬

You are not overly sensitive and you are not stupid. Tumblr feels like high school at times. As much as it connects us, it is incredibly isolating. It seems like everyone is close except you. It makes sense to feel like you’re not good enough. I feel this way, too. And I agree, it’s confusing to see someone ask for engagement, but only engage with a select group of people. I see how that might make you feel like you’re not good enough. 

Speaking as a writer, it’s hard to say why we might (or might not) respond to someone. Each writer is different; there isn't a single, correct answer. We may not feel comfortable interacting with people we aren’t familiar with, we aren't getting notifications, we’re busy, or we might not reply to reblogs at all. And yes, one reason could be that the writer has a superiority, clique mindset (it's happened before and it's still happening tbh but that is a story for another day). 

I myself am guilty of not responding to all reblogs/replies, and that almost always it has to do with me. More often than not, I’ll be in the middle of replying, get distracted or can't think of what to say, and forget until weeks later. When I realize I never replied, I feel that such a late response would be rude or insincere.

Like I said, it's hard to give a blanket explanation. We're all trying to figure out how to have a good time and we're not always aware of how we are coming off. It doesn't negate your feelings. Because the person reblogging doesn't know why I didn't reply, they just know that I didn't. They see me ignoring them. And that hurts.

It also doesn't mean writers are completely at fault. Because the other side of it is that reader's don't know why a writer is not responding. Very often the writer is going through their own things that are preventing them from responding.

@/littlefeatherr brought this up before and I think it also holds weight in this conversation. Fandom etiquette differs in each fandom. Responding to reblogs may be common in one fandom, but discouraged in another. If a writer comes from a fandom where you don't respond to reblogs, they might not be aware of the fandom etiquette differences.

Also, I am so sorry I ever made you feel ignored or like a loser. That is never my intention, I have a tendency of getting in my head, but please know I am very appreciative of everyone who reblogs and comments

[marshmallowprotection]

Hey! I just wanted to jump in with the trend of the Saerans taking care of those of us with disabilities, because, well...like everyone else I personally am just curious about how he would...react.

I was perfectly fine when I was a kid in terms of health, nothing wrong or weird or different at all - but then when I became a teen, about 14/15 ish upwards, I started experiencing these weird...blurry, dizzy episodes.

My vision becomes distorted, I see sharp flashes of light and jarring, swirling colours like a crazy rainbow. I can't understand or hear anything around me.

Sometimes I've even momentarily blacked out when they hit, and often, my memory literally wipes itself of what the heck just happened.

Once I was in a dentist's waiting room with my mum for an appointment then I had one of those things.

When she saw I was sort of freezing up and sitting really still and wide-eyed, oh man she must've been like wtf

And even more WTF a while after it, when I was slowly coming back around. I asked her what happened. She said I'd felt sick at the dentist, and then I asked her outright, 'What's a dentist?'

I didn't even know what had happened. At all.

It was so bizarre.

And my body must respond to what's happening as well, because there was one time where I vividly remember my ears feeling totally blocked and ringing, but pounding with my pulse all at the same time.

...

I also discovered that if I'm standing up when one happens, my legs just don't like it at all. Balance, perception, movement - I immediately stumble, I can't walk, my legs and feet just...turn into pure jelly.

...

A couple of times I've nearly straight-up collapsed, but my mum managed to catch me before I've ever fully fallen. (My mum is the best 😥❤)

These episodes themselves, they aren't painful, they don't hurt when they're happening, but they usually mess up my head afterwards with a migraine, nausea and a big old dump of brain fog, like I kind of already explained. I never really remember anything except for everything being so wacky and distorted.

And just to top it all off, I also started getting these weird jerks in my body. I'm not sure if it's all connected though, because I'm perfectly fine otherwise, no blanking out etc, but they're definitely...something, to have started up around the same time as the other things developed. But they're just weird little body jerks, like spasms of my head, arms, hands, legs, etc - though they sometimes can be so strong that they make me gasp or like, force a noise like huh!!?.

I'm like a hazard to everything around me XD;;; They happen almost daily.

...

Um. So. I was pretty terrified to find out what all of these things were, and it took a pretty long time to get appointments, especially in neurology, because every doctor I'd seen pretty much agreed that these were brain things.

When I heard that, I freaked. My brain? Brain??!!

So far, I've had two (terrifying) MRI scans and a weird process where they stick a bunch of little circles with wires all stemming from them all around your head. They were all connected to this little device that I had to wear like a little fanny pack thing, and I had to have all of that for five days.

But they didn't really find anything in that, and the MRI's weren't as clear as they could have been in a result.

But! The general conclusion is a late-developing form of epilepsy which only emerges during puberty, because of the major shift in hormones! ^^ ... :(

It was...so scary to learn. And especially something like epilepsy, which is so widely branded as, thought to be, and even warned as something so serious, even life-threatening in some cases. But there are different kinds of epilepsy. Some are severe, some are mild, like mine seems to be.

These blurry episodes I get, they are most likely seizures, but they're something called 'absence seizures', because you...just kind of go...still, for a while. Almost like you...disappear.

And that's why, I think...it feels so awful. I must literally...disappear for a while. And I don't know what happened, except for little snippets.

Even though nobody but me could know what they feel like, I...still feel so isolated, and dissonant, like I'm not even in line with the world anymore, in a weird way, because sometimes I just boop out for even just a minute. But a minute... is a long...time, with this.

I'm on medication, which has improved my symptoms and definitely and thankfully, lessened the amount of episodes I get, but I do still experience them. I only seem to get them now - and most beautifully - when hormones want to shift and come to the party, so why wouldn't they love to come on in for a girl's favourite time of the month? ^^

....

I'm just so weary, and I feel so alone, and just...broken, in a way. These episodes just make me feel like my brain is a total malfunctioning mess, and sometimes I even feel like that means I'm some sort of damaged mess too.

...

I know, this post is so long and I'm sorry and I know to read what goes on with me and all of this stuff must be so difficult to understand and barely make sense, but...

I don't know. When I read how other people have Saeran as their comfort in difficult or complicated times, whatever they may be, I just felt kind of like a weird spark of hope, like oh...!

I really care about Saeran, and he says he cares about us too. But I would never have brought up my seizures, I don't even think of them when I play MysMes because it's an escape. Even if I have a seizure when I'm literally playing the game - which I have before - it never takes me long afterwards to get back into it - to remember, everything I was doing and being like...yeah. Yeah...!

So...when I'm playing the game, I always try to erase how much they bother me and how much they upset me, but I can't, because these things are part of me now. Inherently.

I would never want to bring it up. Not to somebody I care about, not to somebody who sees me in a nice way - somebody who tells me I'm so lovely and beautiful and angelic - to then see...all of that.

...Genuinely, it's scary to watch me when I'm having one of my seizures. I've been told.

I never knew what I looked like (apart form my weird twitches, because I can laugh them off and be like lol, my arm just flung out) until I actually asked my mum.

Of course, she's used to it all now, but she said that they do look genuinely frightening sometimes.

My seizures, I mean. And now that I know, I never want anyone to look at me again. When I even get a little anxious thought that I might have one (sometimes I can predict if I feel kind of 'out of it' that day), I immediately go somewhere alone. I want to be by myself. I don't want anyone to watch me.

Because it just looks so ugly.

Apparently, I go really still. I'm unresponsive and sort of start to dribble at the mouth because my saliva's like, bro, what do I do - because I look like I'm trying to speak. But I don't. Or likely, can't.

And my eyes kind of...roll, too. And I can only hope that I'm doing that because I must be panicking.

But it is a seizure. So. Probably not.

I don't even know yet, what the best way is to recover from my seizures. Little ones are okay. I can more or less shake them off quite fast. But the big ones, the ones which are so horrific to experience - so far I've just...learned that all I can do really is to lie down with a blanket, maybe, and try to slowly come round from my crazily spinning, throbbing, head. And such confusion. I can't even recognise my mum when she's comforting me afterwards. I can't speak, or even think.

I love my mum so much...but what really helped me from my dark place of such misery during the really tough times was MysMes. Even just the routine of it. The chatrooms, calls, characters. It was every day. Always something to look forward to, even if I was slammed down by a seizure.

...

But I don't want the RFA to be scared of me. It's so easy to be, by my seizures.

Man, I'm so happy that in game they don't get to meet you. I don't want them to know me. I'd beg them not to even look at me if I felt that a seizure might be coming. I just can't stop myself being so afraid that all I look like is some sort of weird...freaky alien.

When I got the game, I was in such a sad place. I started feeling like the RFA were my friends, because I was so lonely irl.

And then with Saeran, I...

I just have this connection to him. A special little bond that I grip onto for dear life.

But it...just breaks my heart a bit, how he's come so far and is beginning to heal his wounds.

He's recovering from his trauma, he's reached a level of fulfillment, he's learning how to love himself and live in peace.

But I'm not there yet. I can't live in peace with this, and I just can't...love myself. I feel so broken and ugly for being how I am, even though I can't stop it. My seizures are scary, and my body twitches are uncomfortable and laughable.

Saeran's a man so full of love. His heart is just brimming with it, but...then there's just...me.

I have a little Ray plushie that I cuddle sometimes, but not often because I'm scared that I'll accidentally drop him or throw him across the room with an arm or hand jerk XDDDD

I just...wish I could get a real big hug from him, you know?

Just a huge, huge cuddle that never ends.

...

I'm sorry, this whole post is such a mess.

Hi, Anon! Thank you for sharing your story with me because I know it's difficult to try and explain all of these feelings to someone who's unaware of the depth of everything you go through. While we may not share the same disability, I hope you find a sense of kinship in me as we talk about this underneath the cut!

My story is like yours, anon. I grew up without any serious medical problems that I could speak of. I was healthy until I wasn't. Twice, it happened to me. I woke up twice on two separate occasions within a year and my body stopped functioning the way that it was supposed to. First, my back went out, and walking became an issue off and on, and then my stomach stopped functioning on me.

That's really how it happens to a lot of people. One minute, we don't have any issue, but the next, something's wrong and we don't know how to explain it. For me, I can remember that moment when things changed. I couldn't breathe, my vision went blurry, and everything in my body felt numb. I didn't know how to explain it. It took months of fighting doctors and specialists to find figure out what went wrong.

The only answer for me is idiopathic. There was nothing to explain why I suddenly had Gastroparesis. I know relatively why my back is an issue, but there's no answer for my stomach. It changed my life forever when it happened. Things I took for granted are things that I'm unable to enjoy without weighing the risks of doing them again.

For me, I have to watch what I eat because if your food doesn't go through your guts, they'll just sit there and rot until it kills you right where you stand or you get help for it. I grieve a lot because think of how many things in our culture, our society, and our world bring us to the table and bring people together. I can't participate many times. I have to sit out and that's hard.

I won't get into details but... stomach issues are taboo and "gross" so I don't often get to vent or talk about what's wrong. It's funny since I used to be more anxious and shy about talking about "gross" things, but you learn how to talk about them when you're sick and need the help. It's not shameful. Everyone has a body and bodies do things to survive that aren't always "pretty".

It pains me to hear that you're afraid that you're "gross" or "ugly" because of how your body reacts. It's not. People who love you for who you are won't be disgusted by you. You're you, and that means your seizures are a part of you. Saeran won't think you're ugly for it. He never would.

He wants you to be happy with yourself, but he more than anyone knows what you're feeling. He knows that shame you feel because he's spent too much of his life sick. I'm sure his mother let him know many horrible ableist things when he wasn't well, and his heart would ache to know that you might've experienced that kind of pain. Or, to a lesser extent, if you've experienced internalized ableism.

You're not ugly, my friend. The only thing that's ugly is people who make you feel ugly. Who cares if you drool or have spasms? Saeran would learn how to help. Do you need your neck elevated? Are you in need of someone to guard you? Do you need to make sure nobody is "a kind stranger" who wants to stop you from jerking (we know that type does more harm than good)?

Saeran won't let anyone disrespect you or touch you when you're in the middle of an episode. He will learn how to be your protector just as you've learned how to protect him. You're not a burden or an issue to him. Don't ever think that. And, please, if you need it, let yourself be okay to imagine him comforting you after an episode. He would do that for you.

The entire RFA would. They wouldn't let you feel insecure or shameful about it. You're not scary. You're not a monster. You're not alien. You are human just as much as I am. If anyone says otherwise, just let me know because I don't stand for ableism. I sure as hell don't stand for it in our comfort spaces. Saeran would never let you feel blue over this.

You wouldn't let him feel bad about himself no matter what, right?

Why can't he do the same?

But, just like you, I've had Mystic Messenger since 2016. I'd been fighting for at least 4 months through things I still can't even talk about when I met the RFA. They welcomed me when I was losing everything. I lost a lot of people because, as I'm sure you're aware when you don't "get better" from your chronic illness, a lot of people will disappear.

The sympathy stops.

People don't want to hear about things anymore.

But, the RFA was there for me. They didn't make me think about the pain and hurt. They gave me a chance to be helpful and myself again. Being the party coordinator... helping everyone... that's me. What I'm confident in about myself is that I try to brighten people's days even if all I can do is give them one little thing that makes it okay for just a minute. Helping them helped me. I felt seen. I didn't have to be afraid of being myself with the RFA.

Because they're characters that learn how to live without fear in their hearts because of what we, the players, do for them. They grow and change for the better, but never ever lose the essence of what makes them who they are. You don't have to be afraid of them judging you or thinking less of you with the fourth wall there to protect you, but if I can tell you anything, it's that the RFA would never judge you or think less of you.

It doesn't matter who you are or what you're going through.

They'd do everything to understand and learn how to be there for you the way you need just as you learned for them. It doesn't matter what you deal with. They'll learn, adapt, and understand. You did all that for them. They'll do that for you.

If anything, anon, I want you to know that grief is okay. People like you and me, we cycle through the stages of grief. It's natural and it's okay. I'm not at peace with myself sometimes. You feel denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. But, you don't just feel the stages of grief and get over it. You go through it every day, some are easier and some are harder. But, remember one thing, you're allowed to feel whatever you need.

Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. You don't need to be okay every day. You don't need to be inspiration porn. You don't need to be the model of "if they can do it, you can do it." All you need to do is be you and whatever that means for you, I hope you're able to find peace on the good days. I hope the pain lessens.

Saeran loves you, Anon.

He always will.

And I know he'd sit next to me when I can't stop crying about the loss I've experienced just as much as he'd be ready and able to sit by your side and hold your hand when you cry about your fears. We're in this life together, whether we know each other or not, and I hope this will make you feel a little less alone and a little more seen.

[thelonesgroup]

If You Do Only One Thing in 2024, Make It This

Welcome to 2024! We are getting close to a week into the new year. How are you feeling about your progress on your goals? Do you feel that you are falling behind already or working strong? Will you will be able to sustain what you are doing or are you likely to go off-track when you get busy?

This time of year has a lot of agents planning on what they want for their business in the upcoming year. I keep my eye on what agents are saying in online agent business groups and I have noticed a new year trend of agents asking agents what they are doing (or plan to do) to successfully generate leads this 2024.

The challenge is, I see a lot of suggestions out there that may work for one agent, but that won't work for everyone. Other ideas sound good on paper, but in reality, they don't bring in the promised business because they aren't the right lead generation strategy for that area or type of product. Suggestions like these cause agents to doubt what they are doing and think the grass is greener elsewhere.

Case in point. There was a post yesterday in one of these groups that asks what agents who close more than 50 transactions a year are doing to generate leads. The answers included:

Online lead generation for paid leads

Cold calling and door knocking

Instagram posts

Past clients and intentional relationships

Mailers to a farm area

Social media via AI-generated content

Google Pay-Per-Click

Creating YouTube videos

Putting one's brand on hoodies, coffee cups, and sponsoring local events

Non-owner-occupied campaigns

Expired listing campaigns

FSBO campaigns

And many more

As much as I was concerned about agents thinking that the secret to success is outlined in someone else's business plan, I still loved this question and the answers that agents provided. Why? Because this proves my point that:

Lead generation works.

The key is finding the right lead generation strategy for yourself.

The basic secret is to actually execute consistently!

If you need to get your pipeline filled for 2024, then you need to have a plan. Each one of the above lead generation strategies can work if there is a plan that is executed consistently. It really is that straight-forward, folks!

Let the Professionals Guide Your Business Marketing This Year

Check out our LeadMagnet program or email solutions@thelonesgroup.com for more info.

Since so many agents are out there asking the same question, "What is successful lead generation?" That makes me think there are a number of you are working without a plan. Or perhaps you have a plan, but are doubting your plan and want to throw in the towel. If your plan has worked in the past and is relationship-based, don't throw in the towel. Maintain that plan but add something else for the time-being if your pipeline is looking a little empty.

For example, if your 2023 plan included:

Connecting with your database and past clients

Mailing to a farm area

Being active in your local community

Creating video content

Connecting with FSBOs or expired listings

My recommendation is to CONTINUE with your plan. Don't abandon it just because your pipeline isn't where you want it. Walking away from a lead generation strategy that you have been working is like walking away from a field of corn in mid-June that you planted in early spring. Of course, it hasn't produced yet, but come August, those seeds you have planted will sustain you. Add something else, but don't give up the work and resources you have already put into your original campaign.

The only exception to this rule is paid online leads. It is good to really evaluate these lead generation sources every six months or so since technology and online behavior can change quickly and this is more of a funnel that can be turned on-and-off.

I will also say, if your lead generation plan doesn't include some aspect of being in front of people, I have concerns about its effectiveness. If you are hiding at home and doing a bunch of busy-work under the title of, "lead generation," but you aren't actually making genuine connections with people, you may be fooling yourself.

So, what is the #1 thing I am recommending agents do in 2024? Stick with your lead generation source or define your lead generation plan and EXECUTE CONSISTENTLY! THAT IS IT! Lead generation will work if you work it.

By Denise Lones CSP, CMP, M.I.R.M. The founding partner of The Lones Group, Denise Lones, over nearly three decades of experience in the real estate industry. With agent/broker coaching, expertise in branding, lead generation, strategic marketing, business analysis, new home project planning, product development, Denise is nationally recognized as the source for all things real estate. With a passion for improvement, Denise has helped thousands of real estate agents, brokers, and managers build their business to unprecedented levels of success, while helping them maintain balance and quality of life.

[beboped1]

Reaper Man

I'll admit up front that real life interfered with me reading this book. I left my copy in an airport, then picked it up on Kindle on my phone but I hate reading on my phone, then finished it a week later after getting a new hard copy. So there's a slight asterisk here, since that might have influenced my takeaways from the book.

Reaper Man

First Read: High School

Verdict then: I love this Death guy! I honestly barely remember any of the rest of it.

Verdict now: A very good book held back by a lack of thematic coherence, but dang the philosophy here is so good I almost don't care.

Reaper Man is the first book we get the "true" Death character - one wholly identifiable as the same person who we'll see in Soul Music, Hogfather, and in bits of so many other books to come. Color of Magic has really a wholly different character, Mort has an incoherent, poorly executed attempt, but here in Reaper Man we get the real thing. Death is so compelling in this that the Poons plot feels thin and simple by comparison.

There's really two books in one here - one about Windle Poons getting another chance to live, and one about Death becoming and unbecoming Bill Door. They aren't connected in any direct way, instead being interspersed to help improve the pacing of both stories. The primary weakness of this book is that there we don't get the conceit or thematic purity of Moving Pictures or Guards, Guards here - the two stories don't interact, and don't really reinforce each other either. They're connected by a theme of "making the most of the time we have", but the way they tackle that theme is so disconnected that they never gelled together for me.

The Windle Poons arc is decent, but isn't one of Pratchett's best. There's a resurgence of some old habits I didn't really like here, specifically around letting a funny and wacky idea get away from him and ending up with a bunch of scenes that don't add up to much of anything. The whole living mall sequence, while written well, and utterly hilarious in many places, doesn't end up feeling like it does anything for the book as a whole. To the contrary, the out-there wackiness of it clashed jarringly for me against the grounding of the Bill Door arc, especially in the respective climaxes. The side characters here really carry the show - Mrs. Cake, Schleppel, and Ludmilla are all wonderfully drawn, and the Dean getting possessed by the spirit of Sylvester Stallone is great. I did end up wishing that the undead group could have their own book though - it feels like Reg in particular got shortchanged.

The Bill Door arc, on the other hand, is among Pratchett's finest. Grounding the story in Mrs. Flitworth, the farm, and the town was a genius move - it took what could have been abstract or unmotivated and instead made it concrete and inevitable. Mrs. Flitworth really is the axis around which the whole arc turns, and she's just perfectly built by Pratchett to carry that load. She's the anti-existentalist, who resolutely pulls Death out of his crisis. No Camus or Sartre here - Renata is too busy getting on with living to bother.

I keep coming back to two scenes in my mind - Bill Door saving the little girl from the fire, and their final dance. The way those character moments are both necessary, and surprising. The way that Death - and the reader - come out of the experience with a new understanding, empathy, and pride in humanity. The way that Renata rejects all Death's gifts except to dance, to continue to live her life as she has chosen to do so for so many years. As he so often does, Pratchett takes a wacky premise and, in that inimitable way of his, slips some powerful life lessons right past your defenses.

To get a bit personal here, my first child was born right at the beginning of the pandemic. Between that and the pandemic, I've found myself mired on and off in intrusive thoughts about death and dying for the last couple years. Lots of rumination on what it's like to die and what's after, if anything. I'm glad that I got to reread this book in that context, because so much of what Bill Door struggles with resonated strongly with me. We only get so much time here, and we don't know how much time that is. We can try to extend it, but what's the point of extending it if we don't make the most of it? I'm writing this with tears in my eyes, thinking "yeah, of course. People give up their time for others all the time. It's what makes us human. It's a celebration." I'm not sure this comfort will make any sense to anyone else - but I am sure of my gratitude for Pratchett's words.

[pilmik]

No better way to start a writing blog than by writing something completely self indulgent lmao college students this might hit too close to home but in my defense the new sem started and I'm. Mess

Gen: angst ig???some fluff? hurt/comfort? Quite literally just me writing what I want to hear

CW: insecurities, negative thoughts

Wakatoshi loves volleyball

Everyone knows this

Ever since he was little, he's lived and breathed for the sport

There's nothing better to him than the feeling of the ball hitting his hand, the adrenaline rush of a scored point, the satisfaction of a game well won

He didn't get this far on enjoyment alone though

As his s/o, you know this better than anyone, save for his coaches and teammates of course

You know the effort he's put in, you know that for every second he shines on the court in front he's spent hours practicing alone or with his teammates

And he shines on the court

Watching him play will never fail to make your heart stutter and your lungs feel like they're not getting enough air

After being with him as long as you have, you know enough about volleyball to know that Wakatoshi is something special

His speed, his strength, his reliability

No matter how many times you see that spike, the sound of the ball hitting the floor stays deafening

Wakatoshi was made to play Volleyball. It's an objective fact. Sometimes you think that the sport loves him just as much as he loves it

Sometimes, you get so jealous you could scream

one of the perks of being the volleyball captain's s/o is that you always get the best seats

You watch front row as your boyfriend leads his team to victory, and he always leads them to victory.

You watch, time and time again, as he scores the match point, that sharp wham of the ball hitting the court that sings triumph

Wakatoshi isn't the most expressive person. When his team wins a game, most people would write off his impassive face as nonchalance or as vanity, thinking maybe he's won so many times it doesn't feel like anything for him anymore

But you know him. You know that if you look hard enough at the end of a game, you can see a gleam in his eyes. A gleam that somehow means both satisfaction and hunger

Because while at the end of every game means victory, the end of every game also means the start of a new one, a new challenge, a new opportunity to be on the court. He loves every second of it

You know you're probably the worst person on the world for feeling this way about someone you love, but every time you see that gleam in his eyes, any pride and happiness you feel on his behalf is stained with resentment and an envy so bitter it stays on your tongue for days

You've never had that gleam in your eyes. You've never loved something so entirely, so completely as Wakatoshi loves volleyball

You honestly doubt you ever will

It's not like you're talentless or you don't have hobbies, you have the things you're good at and you have the things you like to do but it's not the same

You want so desperately to know what he feels like, to be doing something and to think, I could do this for the rest of my life and die happy

on your worst days, you wonder why he stays by your side at all

You watch him play, surrounded by his court and his team (no the court or the team, his.) And you wonder what he could get from you that he couldn't get from the sting of the ball on his palm, or the squeak of his shoes on hardwood

He's brilliant, wherever he goes be burns so brightly you swear he leaves scorch marks. What could a forest fire possibly want from a candle?

You watch them play a game against some college team, they win straight sets and Wakatoshi dominated the court, scoring a majority of the points. you're quiet on your way home, and he asks if you were bored by the game

You immediately tell him no, because on most days you love seeing him play, and you try and explain how you feel

He doesn't understand what you're talking about, obviously

Contrary to what most people think, your boyfriend isn't stupid or dense. He has trouble understanding different social cues and conceptualizing some of the more complicated emotions other people feel, but he's not an idiot

But these specific insecurities are something he's never had to face. For him, it's been volleyball since the start. His earliest memories are of his father in the yard, tossing a blue and yellow ball into the air while he sits on the engawa, chubby hands holding tight to a pink vabo-chan plush

It doesn't make sense to him, if you don't have anything like that, then all you need to do is find something you're good at, correct? Then you'll be happy

He tells you this, in his usual matter-of-fact way. (you can imagine how that went)

He doesn't understand why your eyes go glassy, or why you tell him you'll be fine walking by yourself for the rest of the way

But he does understand that he's made you upset, and he knows that he never wants to look into your eyes and see tears that he's put there

As he walks back to his dorm, he's wracking his brain trying to make sense of how you told him you felt, and what he said in response

He's still thinking as he enters the doorway, ignoring Tendou's greeting as he neatly removes his runners and puts them away

This, of course, alerts his redheaded friend, knowing Wakatoshi was taught to mind his manners

He leaves whatever he was doing to see him at the entrance, taking in his pinched expression. He knows that Wakatoshi walks you home after every game, and it doesn't take a genius to connect the dots

He quickly presses the pad of his thumb between Wakatoshi's furrowed eyebrows, smoothing the lines there

"trouble in paradise, Wakatoshi-kun? You can't keep frowning like that you know, you'll get wrinkles! Everyone already thinks you're an old man"

Wakatoshi trusts his best friend, even if he teases him constantly. Besides you, Tendou is his main confidant

He explains what happened much like someone would explain a mission report, in perfect unbiased detail. He tell him what you said, how he thought and responded and your reaction. Tendou is always patient with him, giving him his full attention.

After he finishes his story, his friend sits on his haunches in the middle of the hallway for a few minutes, pointer finger to his chin, head cocked and eyes to the ceiling, hmmmmmming thoughtfully

Wakatoshi waits at the entrance of their dorm room until Tendou snaps his eyes away from the ceiling and onto him

"Wakatoshi kun, I'm going to need you to imagine something for me"

His eyebrows pinch together again, but he nods

"Imagine you never played volleyball, you're exactly the same in every way, except your dad never showed you so you never learned how to play. Try and imagine who you'd be"

Wakatoshi tries his best to imagine, he replaces the blue and yellow ball in his memory with a red one, the bouncy kind they sell in bins at the grocery store. He replaces vabo-chan with some kind of stuffed animal wearing a bow

He thinks about school, about going straight home after class is over, and going to the gym only on weekends

He finds he's skipping parts of his life in large gaps, empty spaces he doesn't know what to do with, his future completely blank. It's terrifying.

Tendou must see the dawning horror on his face because he jumps up quickly with a flourish, clapping his hands together once to draw Wakatoshi out of his daydream

Tendou looks at him, smiling and says "y/n-chan doesn't have their volleyball. Most people aren't as lucky as you, finding your volleyball so early Wakatoshi-kun. Some people never find their's at all"

He stands at the entrance quietly for awhile after Tendou returns to his room, thinking about how scary it felt to imagine, even for a few minutes, his life full of the blanks that his sport filled

He wonders how it would be like to have those blanks empty all the time, with not even a clue how to complete them

Swallowing his pride, Wakatoshi realizes he wouldn't be able to live like that. Wouldn't be able to go forward into such unknowable territory, under such impossible odds

He thinks about you waking up every day, seeing your life full of blanks, and still pushing forwards despite it

He doesn't get much sleep that night.

You wake up in the morning to Wakatoshi's text ringtone

7:10am Toshi <3: Call in sick for first period.

7:10am Toshi <3: I am going to pick you up at 8.

7:13am Toshi <3: I will bring you breakfast.

7:27am Toshi <3: Wear a light jacket, it's chilly.

The half of you that's still hurt over yesterday wants to tell him to shove breakfast up his ass, but then you realise something

You stare at your phone, deeply confused

Doesn't he have volleyball practice before school?

You get ready quickly, and sure enough, when you walk out of your door at exactly 8:00, Wakatoshi is there.

He's wearing his tracksuit and runners, and he hands you a paper bag from the conbini. There's an apple, a bag of grapes and onigiri. In his other hand he's holding a warm drink, written on the lid is your favourite, exactly how you like it

"I am taking you to the park."

You tilt your head up at him, confused

"don't you have volleyball practice?"

"I'm skipping. We are going to feed the ducks."

The idea of Ushijima Wakatoshi skipping volleyball practice stuns you into silence, and you simply follow his lead to the direction of the park, you walking and him doing some sort of ridiculous exercise thing that looks like it'd make you puke

When you get there, you're happy to find that your usual bench is empty.

Wakatoshi pulls a water bottle out of his ridiculously-deep men's tracksuit pockets while you take the bunch of grapes out of the bag, neatly dividing it in half. You decide to take the big half of the grape bunch for once, because he was being a jerk yesterday and you deserve to feed the ducks more than he does. You give him his half and you both start feeding the ducks in silence

After awhile, he decides to speak

"Tendou made me imagine something yesterday"

You turn to face him, but he's still looking at the ducks

"he told me to imagine my life if I'd never played volleyball"

He frowns

"he said to imagine everything about me was the same, except I never started playing. I found that it was difficult"

"there were many things I found I couldn't fill in, both in my life and in myself"

"but the worst part was imagining the future. I couldn't imagine a single thing to put in it"

"I wouldn't be able to live like that. To live every day and see blank spaces and uncertainties. It sounds terrible"

He pauses for a moment and you're like :/ wow king thanks for the pep talk

But he takes a deep breath and he continues

"I think, for a person to face that uncertainty and keep pushing forward, they would have to be exceptional"

Your head snaps to look at him so fast you almost get whiplash

Exceptional

There's a word that you've never used to describe yourself

"I think, that if I knew someone like that, I would tell them that they are strong in a way that I doubt I will ever be"

He finally turns to look at you, and you try your best to see him through the tears distorting your vision

"after awhile of thinking, I finally thought of something that I could put in that blank future. Would you like to know what it was?"

You just nod, not trusting your words. His big hands gently engulf your own and for a moment you're absolutely certain Ushijima Wakatoshi will be the death of you

"if I didn't have Volleyball, if I didn't have a single clue of what I could do with my future, if I still had you by my side, I think I would be alright"

One hit K.O.

He keeps going though, as if he didn't just kill you

"if you would have me, I'd like to be in your blank future. For as long as it takes for you to find your volleyball, I'll be there. If it's months or years or decades,"

"if decades pass and you never find your volleyball, I would still like to stay by your side. Maybe your volleyball is looking for volleyball?"

His face contorts in consideration of the idea, and you can't help but laugh wetly, your tears soaking into his jacket as you bury your face into his arm

He presses a soft kiss to your head

"I apologize for what I said last night. I didn't understand"

You only shake your head

You two sit in companionable silence for a little longer so you can eat your breakfast, then you both walk to second period hand in hand

It's only in the boredom of your math class that you realize the gravity of what your boyfriend had said to you in the park

11:08 you: Tendou

11:08 you: was I tripping

11:08 you: or did Wakatoshi /propose/ to me in the park today

Tendou is typing......

A/N: I've never posted this kind of stuff before so comments would really be appreciated! Like if there's something I could do to make my stuff easier to read or whatever I wanna hear it! Even if it's mean I promise I'll only cry a little

[curioskitty]

THE・Rarest Bakugou

Given Bakugou-kun's description as a "juvenile delinquent" (Horikoshi sensei uses the term 不良少年, or furyou shounen, meaning juvenile delinquent boy), it's expected that he wouldn't conform to standard. So obviously, it's not possible to find Bakugou-kun wearing a tie properly................

What is up with this perfectly tied nonsense right here?!

Bakugou-kun, I thought I knew you!!! THE LIES! THE BETRAYAL!!!

But, it's probably just a fluke. You didn't mean it, right Horikoshi-sensei?

WTF?! WHY?!!! Horikoshi-sensei?!

Yep. Contrary to expectations, Bakugou-kun wearing a tie correctly only ranks at Ultra Rare status: difficult to find, but not impossible.

So, what's rarer than a tie-wearing Bakugou-kun? Go Beyond, Plus Ultra Rare Bakugou!

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

In fact, it's even harder to find Bakugou-kun wearing a tie improperly. Given proto-Bakugou's loose tie design, I would have expected that to be the likelier delinquent-esque tie option. But I've only seen Horikoshi-sensei draw him like this once:

(Horikoshi-sensei's one year celebration illustration. This is still fairly early in the publication.)

On top of that, Bakugou-kun consistently wears his uniform tie-less and with at least one button undone on his shirt collar. His pants are always slung low on his hips and legs bunching up at his feet (except when he had to wear jeans for Best Jeanist). You can even see panels where Horikoshi-sensei drew in the rips at the hems near the heel where they drag on the ground.

So why the inconsistency, Horikoshi-sensei? I see you over there, stop pretending you didn't notice. I know you're paying attention.

Horikoshi-sensei gave proto-Bakugou a loosened tie, so what is the reasoning for taking Bakugou-kun's tie away?

Some No-Tie Theories

Fan Theory #1: HE DOESN'T KNOW HOW

//Like Midoriya-kun, Bakugou-kun came from a middle school with gakuran uniforms. They never learned how to tie them. Midoriya-kun messes up his tie, while Bakugou-kun doesn't even bother to try.//

I actually think this is the least likely reason. Bakugou-kun was designed to be a naturally talented genius. I think this applies to anything he wants to do. If he does something, it's always perfectly done.

Bakugou-kun can (and does if you look above) tie it perfectly when necessary.

CONCLUSION: If Bakugou-kun doesn't do something, it's completely out of personal preference or because he doesn't see a reason to.

Fan Theory #2: REBELLIOUS NATURE

//Bakugou-kun is a delinquent and maintains that image because he thinks it looks cool. Or maybe he is rebelling against fashion designer parents. Either way, because of his family background he knows how to tie a tie, but wants to be a rebel.//

I'd give partial points for this one. I'm pretty sure he wears his pants loose at least partially because he thinks it looks cool. However, Bakugou-kun's parents were noted to be designers and not specifically fashion designers.

Despite appearances, this is the kid that sleeps at 8:30pm, doesn't break school rules, and yells at his friends for smoking.

He zips up the collar on his gym track suit all the way. Both the summer and winter versions get the same treatment. He doesn't feel the need to "make a statement" by wearing his track uniform incorrectly. Outside of class, he can and does sometimes wear his track jacket unzipped, but during class he always wears it properly.

So then why does Bakugou-kun refuse to wear the band T-shirt and Christmas party Santa outfit? Because he isn't cooperative. In Ultra Analysis, his Cooperativeness Stat was the lowest rank: E.

CONCLUSION: Bakugou-kun may be non-conformist and uncooperative, but he isn't a rebel.

Fan Theory #3: TRAUMA/PTSD

//This is one of the more popular theories. Between Dabi grabbing his neck, the Sludge Villain and being restrained at the School Festival, our boy has been through the wringer. As a result, he just doesn't like stuff around his neck because it gives him anxiety.//

The Western Fandom is definitely concerned about the mental health of the kids. But I don't actually think this is the reason. Not that I don't think they all need some therapy and self care, especially right now, but there just isn't evidence for this specific trauma in Bakugou-kun.

He wears scarves and even turtle necks without a problem.

On top of that, Bakugou-kun ALSO unbuttoned the top button of his shirt and gakuran in middle school; even from before the Sludge Villain incident. There isn't any evidence Bakugou-kun changed his dressing habits due to trauma. He wore a scarf to the entrance exam for UA, too.

CONCLUSION: Bakugou-kun has ALWAYS worn his shirts with the top button unbuttoned.

These 3 theories are inadequate, too. Even if they did explain the reasons Bakugou-kun doesn't wear a uniform tie, they don't factor in the reasoning for why he DOES wear his other ties properly sometimes.

HC#1: Bakugou-kun's preference

Bakugou-kun doesn't seem to care about his image and how "extras" see him. Even during the press interviews after his hero debut, he wore the same style of open collar look. He's not shy about being nude or taking his shirt off.

But what he hates is being uncomfortable.

He is "explosively brawny". Just look at how thick Bakugou-kun's neck is when compared to Midoriya-kun's. It isn't just that Midoriya-kun is supposed to be scrawny, but also that Bakugou-kun has a thicker than average neck.

Bakugou-kun doesn't like to button up his shirts all the way because it's uncomfortable. It's reasonable that he zips his track suit and everything else up because those are looser at the neck or made of stretchier materials.

As for why he doesn't wear the uniform tie at all... Don't forget Bakugou-kun is a perfectionist and a bit of a neat freak.

He always tucks his shirt in. For the band performance he wore a collared black dress shirt. From what we saw of his room, it's minimalist and clean. I don't see him wanting to look like a slob.

A sloppy loose tie would probably irritate him more than just not wearing it (which is even funnier when you think about Midoriya-kun's chonk tie. It probably makes him want to strangle Midoriya-kun, or maybe just tie it himself...)

Bakugou-kun has difficulties compromising when it comes to his high standards. So if he has to wear it, it's going to be either 0% or 100%.

HC#2: Explosiveness

Why draw Bakugou-kun with either 0% tie or 100% tie? If Horikoshi-sensei is going for a delinquent image, wouldn't the 50% tie option make more sense?

Taking a look again at Bakugou-kun's profile page, Horikoshi-sensei describes him to be explosive in every way. That includes his whole body being "explosively brawny", but also adds a note that he looks slender in clothes.

Horikoshi-sensei put an effort to make every element of Bakugou-kun's character in some state of either fully compressed or explosive.

His slimming clothes, general appearance and even his speech patterns are highly compressed (blunt/terse) and loud. The extremes of his attitude are compressed too; if Bakugou-kun is not loudly raging, then he's quietly observing.

This contrast is key to his character. You can't explode if you aren't compressed first. It's supposed to be shocking to see how brawny he actually is under his slenderizing clothes. And I always feel shocked whenever I see this kid compressed into a tie.

HC#3: Deku & Kacchan

These two are set apart from the class by design and very much on purpose. Horikoshi-sensei designed them to be at opposite ends of the same spectrum.

If Bakugou-kun has muscular arms, then Midoriya-kun needs muscular legs. If Midoriya-kun buttons up his shirt all the way to the collar, then Bakugou-kun's collar has to be loose. Their designs reflect their connection.

So if Midoriya-kun has a poorly tied tie, the opposite of that is either non-existant or perfectly tied. If it's perfectly tied, he'd just blend in with the class.

The no-tie option just makes more sense.

Plus Ultra Rare Bakugou

Horikoshi-sensei only ever draws Bakugou-kun with a tie in specific scenarios. Costume events that require the neck tie as part of the costume or "fancy" events where everyone is in formal wear. And even in those, Bakugou-kun manages to not wear his tie 90% of the time.

So, I just imagine that when Horikoshi-sensei makes Bakugou-kun wear his tie, he's super grumpy! Just look at his face in every illustration he's wearing a tie in. He's probably hot, uncomfortable, and really not enjoying himself at all.

Ultimately, the "Plus Ultra Rare Bakugou" is a Bakugou-kun who wears the tie and SMILES while doing it.

(Yes, I know that's NOT actually a tie. Shut up Bakugou-kun. You're only smirking in this one because you won the Popularity Poll for the 5th time in a row...)

(Well that's random, you say? Welcome to my blog. Considering the stuff going down on canon, I figured I should give fans, and myself, a break from angst to talk about something silly.

Please note that this applies only to the manga. I've found that the anime isn't quite so strict about how Bakugou-kun looks.

Regarding the headcanons, I just want to clarify that everyone is free to think whatever they like. I enjoy all headcanons and support your right to have them.

I wrote this a while ago and then debated posting it because it's such a huge meta about... Bakugou-kun's tie. I had regrets. But now it's become my new years post. Regrets were for 2020, it's already 2021!

Demons out, fortune in!!! I know it's not setsubun for another month, but 2020 was such a demon.

HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!)