#it lasted until the early months of this year
Text
i haven’t gone a day this year without thinking abt ending my life
#it’s been abt a year since the traumatic thing started#it lasted until the early months of this year#it’s been a whole year since it started#since that happened ….#feels like it’s been days#there’s so much pain#and the cold of the season is triggering#the cold reminds me#and i can’t eacPe#i cant escape it#i’m in winter coat and hat and gloves in my own home and it feels like i’m there again#it is just as cold as when it happened#i want to die#tw suicide#suicide tw#tw
4 notes
·
View notes
Text
one string is all that I need
#Hatsune Miku#VOCALOID#or rather#piapro characters#Hatsune Miku Single String Ver.#<- yep that's the fan module I made for fun last year#the thing is. only half a month to go until it's mid autumn. and every year I try to draw something for the occasion#I just. started early this year... for some reason......#well I mostly just wanna draw Her lmao. because the pokemon/miku voltage stuff is still being released and Im feelin the effect#and this year's magical miral design is so fuckign good.... thank u to miku artists. especially LAM and rella#as is always the case with this module the instrument/weapon (lol) she uses is a heavily stylized đàn bầu!#and I just realized while drawing this and looking at the ref sheets that I never detailed the pluck lmao#to be fair. usually its just like a piece of. anything#commonly bamboo or bone or plastic. shaped into a longish fingernail shape. its really the way u hold it that matters iirc#but yeah I spruced up the OG design for the instrument in this one lol. this is actually like my original vision I think#I really wanted to make that thing beast shaped. but I Just figured out how to properly stylize it when I designed the module#and! I did say this on stream but I am genuinely very proud of that design! that was genuinely big brain of me! so#future instrument variants will still probably base heavily on that general shape and principles lol. I'm playin in this space its MY muck#also I switched the number on her coat from 39 to 01 bc it's more on theme thats really it. nothin else to remark on there lol#and! once again based the dragon head on the lý dynasty dragon rather than later iterations. thats why the nose fin and no whiskers#and the metal nozzle is kinda supposed to call to mind a temple bell. not super sure i got that across well#but the rim design IS historical! I thiiiink early lê dynasty. just on ceramics instead of on bronze lmao#anyways thats it. I had fun colorin this one! kicked my ass a bit but I think I hashed it out mostly okay#have a good night lads! thank u mid autumn moon cakes for being bad to eat and sponsoring my late night drawin. and remember:#u only need one. but never say having more doesn't make it easier
361 notes
·
View notes
Text
#kirby#daily kirby#my art#digital#hal laboratory#nintendo#I don't think I mentioned at the time because it was in the middle of kirb2k#but I had an appointment with a hematologist last week#they confirmed the culprit behind my chronic illness is definitely my mast cells#but I need to get a bone marrow biopsy next month to find out#if it's actually not-technically-autoimmune (mcas)#or if it's actually not-technically-cancer (mastocytosis)#which is actually good news cuz 1 someone finally confirmed my nearly 6 year old hypothesis instead of just agreeing (or disagreeing)#and 2 if it *is* mastocytosis they're gonna start medicating me A Lot more aggressively :)#which I need! I've been sick for right about 8 years now but it's gotten rapidly worse in the past 1-1.5 years#so clearly I'm badly under-medicated#(since I've been on all the same meds for 2 years except for my own emergency intervention.)#(I mean technically I've been chronically ill my whole life it just wasn't disabling until early 2016)#anyway I'm so tired I feel like a ragdoll half the time! sure hope I get adequate medication in a couple months!
87 notes
·
View notes
Text
yuuka aisaka (yunos voice actress) mentioning in the new milgradio episode that she hasnt finished recording all of yunos t3 stuff is interesting... i suspect her song might be done by now but the cover and voice drama probably not being complete yet doesnt necessarily surprise me. it gives me hope for haruka since that increases the odds that were still getting him first in the lineup and thus his cover and vd will be recorded first
#saw an artist i follow saying that they reckoned this meant t3 wouldnt start until next year but i dont think thats the case...#this hiatus is probably gonna be longer than the last one BUT#i think we might start building up to t3 sometime in november or early december#so like two and a half months to go maybe#meaning that if harukas up first then yunos trial wont happen until like... feb or march#so theres still loaaaads of time for her cover and vd to be recorded without the hiatus going on obscenely long#i think were gonna get the t3 sprites before xmas without a doubt
13 notes
·
View notes
Text
rewatched arrival for the hundredth time. this movie never fails to gut punch me with its approach to determinism. louise embracing her future that she knows every moment of, despite the tremendous loss and pain it contains, with open arms. she doesn't hesitate, or ruminate on how she can try and change it. she accepts it all, the good and the bad, because what she gains is worth it, so many times over for her. she steels herself against a certain future and runs forward to meet it all, to love, learn, and lose, and trusts and leans on herself to live through it all. because that's what life is; it's the joy and the suffering. to try and isolate the joy alone is madness, futility in its purest definition.
comparing her line of thinking to a palindrome (how she named her daughter, hannah), the movie kept emphasizing, "it's the same backwards as it is forwards." it doesn't matter if you can see the end; life is the same whether you live it "forwards" (without knowledge of the future) or "backwards" (with foresight). it doesn't change the significance of your life experiences; to try and avoid certain future pain just because you have the knowledge of it is a zero sum game. you think you win because you avoided pain, but you also avoided the joy that preceded it. the metamorphosis. so you still lose if you try to win, and vice-versa.
all you can do is rush forward and take it all head-on. see this whole beautiful mess as your one most precious gift; this one life, this one chance, a laughably miniature blip on the colossus that is linear time, to experience all there is to feel before you return back to an eternity without perception. it's all worth it, because only in living a full-fledged life open to everything it has to offer does the experience of living turn out to be greater than the sum of its parts; it's in trying to beat the system (avoid pain) that we actually lose.
"if you could see your whole life from start to finish, would you change things?"
"maybe i'd say what i feel more often. i...i don't know."
#arrival 2016#pleaaaaase this movie has a chokehold on me#the perfect sci-fi imo is one that blends the scientific and the emotional realms seamlessly and wow does this do that#this particular movie speaks so personally to me#because i lived so much of my life in stagnation trying to avoid pain i could see on the horizon#a couple of years ago when beginning my last relationship i could see the end as early as 3 months in#you know when you just realize early on there are cracks in the relationship foundation that are not repairable and will only get stressed#the more you build on top of it? yeah#it terrified me like you couldn't believe and i spent so much time in denial and fighting against it#fighting against this future i was intuitively certain would materialize#i watched this movie around that time and decided to just go for it#to not let my intuition rob me of joy in the present#as someone who lived so prudently and always tried to make the “right” choice this was monumental for me and so out of character#for a while i wished i'd just listened to my instincts about how this person would ultimately hurt me so i could avoid the suffering#because i really did have foresight everything i was scared would happen did happen almost to the letter#and i wondered does that make me stupid?#that i marched forward anyway? i didn't have the degree of certainty louise did so i thought i could change things#if i loved hard enough if i was patient enough if i did what i knew in my heart to be the right thing#but it changed nothing#but no i wasn't stupid and i would do it again#because it was still a beautiful experience at its best and it taught me valuable lessons at its worst#i have undoubtedly changed as a person i will never be the same again and THAT is living#not rotting away in an unchanging state. unchanged by joy or mundanity or by adversity. that is not living#undoubtedly better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all. i never rly agreed with that until i saw this movie#personal#favourite movies#scifi#movies#this applies to everything not just love. take that chance! do the thing that scares you. bc that's the only way to really live#regardless out of the outcome
5 notes
·
View notes
Note
truly one of the most talented gifmakers out there. where would we as a society be without you
that is very kind of you! I don't know about all that but I'll take the compliment 😅 💖
re: reblog this if you want anonymous opinions of you
#i feel like I've only really got back into a groove of making gifsets these past few months#I hadn't made any in several years up until last year so those early ones in 2023 were roughhhh#but this is very sweet thank you!!!#ask#anon
6 notes
·
View notes
Text
Feeling very "droopy cartoon eyeballs after a character got blown tf up" on this wednesday.
#man.#I already hated Black Friday in commerce for a number of reasons#then Brazil also adopted it#then it started doing off-season Black Fridays which makes no sense#rather than just idk call it a sale#but then november rolls around and it's now Black November! the whole month#we work twice as hard for no extra pay for the whole month. oh and it doesn't stop there!#it actually starts at the end of october as pre-black friday or black friday warmup (depending on where you work)#and this year the chain I work at decided to do POST-BLACK FRIDAY so it lasts until early December#I feel like hot death. and the discounts aren't even good. 20% is not black friday sales level discount. that is kiddy shit#^^^ all of this while also having work done at our place. end of semester in college#and then I'm also navigating being scammed on top of all of this#I'm so so so tired#personal
8 notes
·
View notes
Text
IT IS NOT THE ANNIVERSARY YET THAT IS NOT UNTIL THE END OF THE MONTH
#STOP saying happy third anniversary a month early i cannot TAKE THAT right now#they did this the last 2 years too IS not until THE 23RD#shh ac#ifykyk
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
finally learning emotional intelligence as an adult in my 30s feels like playing with goddamn tinker toys while i watch other people my age building these beautiful emotional ecosystems out of hand carved mahogany. but the alternative is to continue being glib and dismissive of every emotion i experience for the rest of my life so 👍 pass me that green rod i guess. and do you see any more hubs
#at some point last fall i visited my parents and was telling them about my plants#i had just bought a nerve plant aka fittonia#i got her because nerve plants are famous for wilting dramatically when their water conditions aren't just right#i thought it was interesting and funny and maybe a good way to keep an eye on my plant area. catch any moisture problems early#bit of a canary in a coal mine idea you know#anyway i told my parents about this plant#and they kind of laughed and rolled their eyes about this plant being so dramatic#and I said no. you see. i like a plant that communicates its needs#and i swear to God#i could See the thought passing through their eyes for the first time#that that might be a good thing#oh i think I'm gonna scream actually#DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY YEARS I SUFFERED CRIPPLING PERIOD CRAMPS EVERY GODDAMN MONTH AND NEVER TOLD ANYONE#by the way. nerve plants are fine after you water them. once you fix the problem they perk right back up again#my parents did their best. and frankly i think there's someone to be said that they raised an autistic child without traumatizing me#my depression and shit didn't appear until high school when i had to start interacting with the wider more complex world in earnest#and didn't have the tools for it#but my childhood of being given art supplies and left to my own devices was pretty chill#but i do wish unhappiness and discomfort hadn't been. like. something to be avoided or fixed immediately so no one had to talk about it#anyway. the birdcage is a good movie
11 notes
·
View notes
Text
I didn't realise it was october already I've been too busy trying to overcome The Horrors.
#art talks about stuff#''oh haha i get it it's because it's the scary season" no i'm just really fucking sick#when i'm feeling better the you know what might happen#ik i did it relatively early in the month last year but i'll probably wait until like the 10th or something to start#just because of how shite i feel
2 notes
·
View notes
Text
i miss fall
#middle of january is usually when i start feeling crazy until like late march#and since ive been feeling weird and bad for the past months now i wonder how its gonna feel:)#that time period from september to early january feels sooo good#bitter end to summer... you miss it... but then fall settles in slowly#by october-november its more chilly and you start gearing up for the new year#december then is the last month of the year so u enjoy it to the fullest then january turns up#can we go to summer now please
8 notes
·
View notes
Text
physical calendars
#realizing that theres really no reason for me to keep getting a wall calendar every year when i dont use it for anything#at this point its just there so i can look at a new cat picture each month. yes obvs ive only bought cat calendars for the last 15+ years#any appointments i have i just put in my phone and set a reminder and forget about until its time#like i said in the post two days ago writing things down doesnt work for me bc i forget to look at what ive written#ugh i just remembered in college my dad got me this laminate wall calendar that displayed 4 months at a time so i could put due dates#except like you had to fill in all the numbers yourself so that was a pain. and then what if something was due not in those 4 months#oh i just realized that i couldve erased each month as it ended and then filled it in as a new month... instead of waiting until the end of#the four months and erasing it all at once... never occurred to me bc then the months would look out of order#so anyway yeah that idea obviously didnt work out haha. surely my ipod had a calendar app. why didnt i use that for due dates#instead i just wrote everything in a weekly planner that i would (bet you didnt see this one coming) forget to look at#man. every day i wonder how i could have been good at school for 12 years only to become so flatfooted in college#actually thats a bad metaphor bc i do have flat feet for real. what was this post about. im glad im done with my early 20s. do not recommend
0 notes
Text
waiting PATIENTLY for one of my bjd preorders to ship. patiently,
#it says this company usually takes 5-6 months. mid august would be 5 so hopefully sometime this month or next !!#the other order will still be a while. also itll probably be ready before i even have it paid off lmao. i think my last payment is january#thats the BIG nine month layaway order. the one that should ship soon is the deer boy to go w my deertaur#(dream valley cedar & doll chateau noah respectively)#i still need to do the faceup & body painting for the deertaur. also name them lmao#i know the design i want to do but the weather has been godawful for it. waaay too humid i cant remember the last time it was below like 70%#& thats being generous lmao. i feel like every time ive checked its been in the 80s but i dont check Every Day so#oh huh. actually its only 73% today lmao. but its also rainyyyyy & my wrist is still too fucked up anyway#depending on when this other one ships ill MAYBE be able to get them both done this year. weather permitting#the others will definitely have to wait until next spring at least. unless we have a really warm period early next year#but if it continues to be Constantly Rainy until it starts getting cold these ones will have to wait until then too...#& then i gotta hope next year isnt the same way. what i wouldnt give for a climate controlled workshop
0 notes
Text
gotta love the annual August Existential Crisis™️
#it feels early in the year until I realize there are only four months left#also this is usually around the time that it hits me that I’m whatever age I turned on my last birthday. and will be a year older very soon#talking into the void
1 note
·
View note
Text
oh my god i genuinely forgot about the pride parade this year. i was so excited to have my wheelchair during one 😭
#the last three years i didn't have a wheelchair and ended up having to leave early because i was in so much pain#i was going to decorate my chair and everything i totally forgot#i mean. i can wait until next year. but wow i just did not remember whatsoever#hell i kind of forgot about pride month as a whole when people started posting about it i almost got confused#to be fair i also barely know what month it is on a good day
0 notes
Text
today feels like an early July day transposed into pre-spring weather and sunset/sunrise times
#it's me#the sun is shining. birds are chirping. the world is taking a leisurely stroll along the warm side of the sky#the air ebbs and flows around you. it settles in a heavy blanket around your shoulders. it kisses your cheek with nostalgia. memories you--#--thought you'd forgotten. memories you're glad to have remembered. memories that aren't yours but feel like they should be and so mean--#just as much#tonight i'm having a tuna fish salad sandwich & garden salsa sunchips for dinner. the last time i had a sandwich for dinner was during a--#--major heatwave in 2020. temperatures reached and surpassed 100 F. it set several records. it was too hot to turn on the oven.#the time before that it was early June in 2019. it was the weekend. i was meeting cousins i hadn't known existed until two months ago#i had grapefruit soda. it was bitter but it was good. it's been nearly five years since i've seen them and i wonder how they are even if i-#--knew them for but one night only#the echo of the blue sky outside glows on the polished wood floor and it whispers of warm days to come. it lies. they're still several--#--months away.#do you understand?
0 notes
Last Seen Blogs
mywatchez055
Mywatchez055
bastardponsblog
BastardPons
mysoul-05-blog
مالك الشنط
mythical-sunrise
Emberfieria
drycoin14-blog
Homesick Recipes