#it still gets me that this comes from people who absofuckinglutely know better than to do this but make an exception for us

[melancholic-pigeon]

Ahead of Irish-American history month, I'd like to make a request.

Can we please try to avoid repeating stereotypes about ethnically Irish people being uniquely savage, brutish, stupid, backwards and violent towards others ethnicities on the basis of them being ethnically Irish?

I would also like to request that we do not joke about priests committing child sexual abuse, throw around slurs, or characterize The Troubles as savage, brutish, backwards, violent Irish people trying to expunge other ethnicities from Ireland.

Thanks.

[mcbride]

am i absolutely completely 1000000% frustrated with the pacing in 11a? YES. the continuous dragging of the reapers storyline? YES. the lack of Carol screentime? YES. the almost non-existent Carol/Daryl interactions (exception of the premiere)? YES. do i like that Carol and Daryl are spending time apart? NO. do i like that Daryl is stuck with leafy tea for most of the season? NO.

NOW has that changed even one little bit how i feel about Carol, Daryl and their canon potential? ABSOFUCKINGLUTELY NOT! 

everybody say it with me: fandom gawds, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.

Carol and Daryl simply haven’t had time to sit down, talk and make up. they have been busy doing stuff and thangs cause their community is hurting and starving. they are on their separate paths and missions. it’s not like Daryl decided to ghost Carol, you know. they don’t have phones, he can’t slip into her dms and he is pretty much doing everything in his power to keep his family/community safe!!

cause if he doesn’t act like a good reaper, his cover is blown and he dies, or if he escapes there’s always the possibility they will track him down to ASZ and fuck it up. it’s not like ASZ is in any condition to fight any threat that knocked on their door. so he is stuck with leafy tea and her brand of brothers. of course, Daryl being Daryl, and with his history with her while he was isolated from his family and even Carol in the woods, of course he is gonna try to test her, try to get her to come to his side and help him help his family. the most important thing for Daryl is to protect them at all costs. ask Frost? so he ain’t trying to rekindle a flame with leafy tea, and he ain’t being “nice” to her cause he likes her duck face sooo much. he is playing a part. he is lying to her face with his whole chest and he ain’t fucking feeling bad about it...

meanwhile, Carol barely had any screentime, but that woman has done more in her limited time than anyone else - she’s feeding people, protecting people, finding people, all in a couple of days’ worth! imagine that. yeah, all her scenes seem somehow cut short or rushed. cause this show/writers still haven’t learned no one cares about the new characters coming into the very last season of the show, just so they can die a very unhappy death. 11a has been absolute pointless filler of Pope’s bullshit and leafy tea’s struggles. NO ONE CARES.

so i know this is painfully boring, but in their timeline, they have been separated for like 3 to 5 days. it’s not the end of the world. and i do hate what Angela Kang is doing with this storyline and how dragged out this shit is, but don’t slander the woman who gave you more in your face shippy moments than you’ve had in years before she took over. we accept what we can not change: it’s already written and the caryl spinoff is already planned, whatever will be, will be. we change the things we can: the current negativity taking over the fandom is unbearable even to the most optimistic shipper.  we can choose to ship and to hold caryl for better, for worse, for richer, for poorer, in sickness and in health, to love and to cherish, beyond even death; or we can find something else for the sake of our own mental health. i’ve done that before for s7/8 and it was the best decision i ever made.

we don’t have much longer to wait... the show is ending in one year!! and then we will have all the caryl we can take. a little patience, my lovelies! we can do this. but it’s so much more fun to do this together!

[thefreakydeaky]

"Another?" Simon made to pour you a shot of rum.

You covered your glass and shook your head.

Dwight's hand landed heavy on your shoulder.

"Come on, Y/l/n. You gotta be able to hold your liquor if ya wanna run with this crowd." His thin lips were pulled up in an uncharacteristic smile.

You chuckled lightly and held your cup out to Simon.

"I get the feeling, I'm being tested."

Simon only smirked.

"Well y'all sons of bitches are in for a surprise. My blood used to be 90 proof."

Dwight snickered.

You couldn't help but turn your gaze in the direction of the man who's approval you needed the most.

Negan watched on, not the barest hint of a smile on his lips. You sat up straight as you held up your glass.

You gave Negan a nod of respect, "To the good health and prosperity of El rey del sur, Our King of The South."

His dark eyes narrowed at your words.

The men around you remained half frozen, unsure how the enigmatic man would take your speech.

The corner of his mouth twitched. It was the closest you'd ever gotten to a smile from him. He nodded and the celebration resumed.

Your eyes followed the movement of his body as he stretched out his long legs, crossing them at the ankle.

There was only one thing Negan had that you truly envied, the luxury of being his authentic self.

Hazel eyes glared right at you. You looked away.

As the night wore on, the saviors began to trickle out of Negan's sitting room and into the adjacent rooms with some of the wives.

Crude sounds and lusty moans pervaded the air.

And then there were three. You thought sharing an awkward laugh with Dwight.

"Welp," He said standing. "It's getting late. I better turn in."

Your gaze strayed to Negan and found that somehow you were only the width of a sofa cushion away from him.

Your shoulders tensed.

His olive and honey eyes met yours, a dare in their depths.

"I'll walk you." You offered to Dwight and started to stand.

You swayed and would have lost your balance if Negan's hands hadn't suddenly been there to steady you.

"He can walk himself. Can't you, D?" His husky voice interrupted. His hands on your hips eased you back into your seat.

"Uh, Yeah. Thanks, Y/l/n, but I'm good."

You frowned, but didn't protest.

"Night." Dwight said again and left you alone with Negan.

Although he was no longer touching you, you could feel him staring.

You uncrossed and recrossed your arms over your chest.

"You are so tense right now, I bet if I stuck a lump of coal up your ass, I'd have a big fucking diamond by sunrise."

"What're you gettin into the jewelry business?" You huffed.

"Your little comedy act might work on my saviors, but it ain't getting you anywhere with me. So you might as well cut that shit out."

Your mouth opened in surprise.

"Why the fuck do you try so hard? What do you get out of being a fucking clown?"

You pursed your lips.

"I want to be liked."

Negan snorted in derision. "Being liked is of absofuckinglutely no value."

"Well, it was valuable enough to get you to the top." You replied morosely.

"Are you serious? You mean to tell me that after everything you've fucking seen, you think being liked is what got me this gig?"

You couldn't bring yourself to look at him.

"From what I've seen, it's a balance. You are feared, because you aren't afraid to get violent." You fixed your eyes on the empty glasses scattered across the coffee table.

"You are respected because you take the responsibility of protecting the weak. You charm people with your joking and teasing."

Negan scoffed.

"Not everyone can be naturally attractive and charming. Respect, I can earn by doing my share and having their backs when we're out there doing pick ups. Will they fear me? Probably not, but I am smart and I know how to be funny. God willing making people laugh will make me well liked enough to bring me opportunity."

He became quiet.

You groaned internally.

Had you been too honest?

"Opportunity for what?" He gazed at you intently.

"Opportunity for advancement of course." You said evenly.

“Are you fucking flirting with me?”

Your eyes widened.

" You are aren't ya? You're fuckin flirting with me." He grinned.

"I was just being honest with you. How is that flirting?"

Negan smirked.

"Well let me fuckin see here, you called me naturally charming and attractive. Add to that the many times I have caught you eyefucking me."

Your face became hot with embarrassment.

"Unless you're looking to challenge my leadership, the only opportunity you've got is filling the recently vacant position of wife number seven."

You looked over your shoulder at the door and cursed yourself for letting Dwight leave without you.

Negan stretched his arm over the back of the couch and leaned in close.

Your pulse quickened.

"Look at me." He commanded.

You wondered not for the first time, why his husky voice had such an effect on you.

Regardless of what he was saying, the sound of him always made you think of sex. It also made you want to do everything he asked.

You turned toward him, slowly.

Negan cupped the side of your face, stroking your cheekbone lightly.

You gasped at the unexpected gentleness of his touch.

He leaned in. You felt his warm breath on your skin. He smelled like a combination of aftershave, sweat, and the whisky he'd been drinking. Unfortunately for you, you found the scent alluring.

He tipped your face up toward his.

You half wondered if you had passed out on the sofa. Perhaps this was a bizarre alcohol induced wet dream.

He licked his lips.

You swallowed nervously. He seemed like he kissed well. You hadn't been kissed in such a long time. You worried that you had forgotten how-

"You implied it."

"I-what?"

"Your reaction to me invading your personal space is proof that you meant it."

Your gaze slid from his olive and honey eyes to his lips and back again.

"You find me attractive and charming."

You could see by the smug smile already forming on his ruggedly handsome face that he wasn't going to let you live this down.

This could not stand. You made the first counter move you could think of. You slapped him.

Negan's eyes widened in surprise as your palm hit his cheek.

"ohmygod ohmygod ohmygod I'm so sorry!" You covered your mouth with your hands.

A smile that was as dazzling as it was dangerous spread on his face.

Your breathing excelerated at the thought of what he might do to you as punishment.

Your mind flipped through the horrors you had witnessed at his hands, the iron, the smell of burnt hair and burnt flesh, His fists pounding relentlessly into a guys face, the sharp smell of blood, lucille coming down on some poor sonofabitch's skull, making it rain skull fragments, blood, and brains.

"I am going to make you pay." His tone was filled with promise as he yanked you to him by the collar of your jean jacket.

Your hands went to his shoulders with the intent of pushing him away.

Negan was on you in a heartbeat stealing your next breath with a brutal kiss.

He left you no choice but to mold your mouth to his. He slipped his tongue into your mouth and found yours.

You attempted to take control of the embrace.

He nipped at your lower lip in warning. His tongue delved once more tangling with yours in a battle for dominance.

You refused to submit.

His fingers hooked their way into your belt loops. Strong hands pulled you by the waist, propelling you forward, effectively forcing you to straddle the erection straining against his pants.

Your hips ground against his. He sucked at your lower lip and rocked up against the apex of your thighs.

Your breath hitched.

"I knew you were into me."

You turned your head to prevent him from kissing you again and rolled your hips.

He groaned.

"I am not into you."

Negan held onto your hips, threw his head back and laughed.

"Well I'll be damned. You finally said something funny."

He ran his hands over your ass, kneading your ample cheeks.

"I think we should fuck. Are you interested in the full experience or are you gonna settle for just a taste?"

"I wish you would stop saying shit like that. It makes my pussy go dry."

His jaw clenched in annoyance.

"You are a much better listener than I thought you were."

Rather than fly into an angry rant riddled with 'fuckyous' his hand shot out, pressing at your throat.

"Why is it you think you can get away with saying whatever you fucking want?" His fingers applied pressure to the side of your neck.

Your pussy clenched, dampening your panties in anticipation.

"Answer me." He demanded, pressing harder still.

A dulcet moan passed through your lips.

Negan's eyes narrowed.

He brought his other hand up to encircle your neck and squeezed experimentally.

You couldn't help the needy whine you emitted. The tension in your shoulders began to melt away as his thumb stroked along the curve of your neck.

"Ho-o-ly shit, You're really fucked up aren't ya?"

"You have no fucking idea." You purred.

[justascrollingghost]

At least Harry is still thriving and more famous than ever :) all that matters! Who cares about the fat alcoholic lmaooo

Usually I wouldn’t respond to your absolute shite but with comments like that you deserve your gross ass being handed to you so buckle in and next time think before you start typing.

Firstly, Harry was the one who struggled the most finding his sound and Harry has openly said he struggled finding himself and what he wanted after 1D. He also was the frontman and the one who was painted as a womaniser when he was 16 years old - for gods sake all the lads protected him with their lives so if you genuinely think he got off scot free living his best life you’re delusional as well as stupid. Harry has also been to therapy and had to hire full time security because he feared for his safety and to top it all off went to court to stop paps being able to sit outside his home.. just because you see someone smiling, successful and getting on with their life it doesn’t mean they don’t have shit going on so maybe stop assuming things about people you’ve decided you know personally because you listened to their album and think they’re fit..

Now we’ve established that let me tell you a thing about addiction and I’m a psych grad so go ahead and trust me but I also highly suggest you get yourself over to google scholar and do some reading - but it’s not a choice. Addiction changes your functionality. The drug (in this circumstance alcohol) changes the levels of neurotransmitters in your brain and those new levels become your functional state and before you know it your brain shuts down. It can’t function without its altered function levels - that’s where the shakes and vomiting comes from in recovering addicts because your body can’t handle it. It can’t handle day to day life without the drug.. sounds a lot less funny when it’s put that way doesn’t it?

As for your other comments about Liam - get a grip. We don’t accept shaming of any sort on this blog I don’t care what you’ve been through or how old you are, it’s not tolerated. Happy and healthy is happy and healthy and if that means you’re a medium or large or XL instead of a small then good for you I support. If your smile being bigger means your face is abit rounder then absofuckinglutely I support. It’s not Liam’s fault that you’re insecure. maybe you should consider working on that instead of projecting??

That whole message gave the vibe of someone who has never struggled with anything so amazing for you. Gold star, you’ve gotten through life so far but I hope to god you have better people than you around you when you do struggle because (and I’ll give you this for free) it fucking sucks. Next time you think about coming into my inbox as a little keyboard warrior with an attitude like that I highly suggest you just don’t babe

With that horrendous bullying mentality I don’t want you here and neither does Harry or Liam💛

[goddessofchaosleo]

Racer girl

College AU, 18+ 

Warning: mentions of alcohol use, unprotected sex, fluff 

Genre: fluff, smut

WC: 3,3k

Big thanks to my beta readers @karasimpno​, @mrs-kuroojinguji​ and @ceo-of-daichi​ for giving me priceless feedback and helping me make this better!! <3

Coming to study English lit at college wasn’t fun. You loved reading and what you studied but it wasn’t where your passions lie. Racing. The opportunity came about one day when all of your friends dragged you to a race. A popular guy from your university, Oikawa Toru was racing and everyone wanted to watch him win, you weren’t as excited but you wanted to get in on the scene too so you went with your beautifully modified car and got yourself a race.

After wining race after race that night you earned a reputation of Baby Girl Driver given to you by no other than the Great King of Tokyo racing scene. Ever since then you got challenged and rose up the ranks until you were the Queen of Tokyo races.

You maintained your grades and studied what you loved but something was missing or rather someone to make everything feel perfect. But meeting someone as passionate about something as you were about racing wasn’t easy at first. The guys in the racing scene wanted to be with you for the reputation you had, other guys from your course weren’t supportive of your racing and wanted you to stop so you figured looking for love there was hopeless but you were fine with it. You valued yourself too much to just break in search of a partner.

Yet love and passion came in a tall, dark and handsome volleyball player Iwaizumi Hajime. Having met through some mutual friends you easily kicked it off and were dating within a week. Weeks turned to months and in a blink of an eye two years went by in perfect happiness with the man who loved you as passionately as you deserved to be loved.

Iwaizumi Hajime understood your love and passion you had towards driving and racing. Was he thrilled that you took part in some not so legal races? Not really. Did he support you nevertheless? Absofuckinglutely.

You were there for every game of his, no matter how big or small and he was there to cheer on you when you had a race. Did he bet on his girl every time? Yes. Because he knew how skilled you were and because he believed in you.

But he worried about you every time too. No matter how many times you convinced him your car was more than safe he always feared the worst. What if someone was driving under influence? What if something unexpected happened? In those moments of doubt, not in you but the others around you he realized how much he loved you and how much he wanted you to come out of that car in one piece. That didn’t change even after two years of dating.

Tonight’s race was so much different than any other you had before. You were a favourite but there was a crazy underdog threatening to take your crown and knock you down. His words. A cocky Rooster-haired bastard from Kyoto who thought he could come to Tokyo and take over your territory. People in these circles were usually respectful to those who were winners and Kings and Queens of their territories but this dude was anything but that.

He started off by insulting your skills simply because you were a woman and then went on to challenge you to a one on one race. You took the challenge and you both bet your cars and titles on the race. One of the most important races was going to take place in a few hours and for the first time you were feeling nervous.

You weren’t nervous and insecure about your skill but about his way of driving. You only ever saw videos from his races and he was the worst type of driver. He was reckless and more often than not people got hurt and cars got destroyed. He didn’t care about any of it as long as he came out victorious.

Knowing how much Iwaizumi worried about your safety anyways you decided not to tell him about the man you’d be racing. It wouldn’t help and you couldn’t back out anyways.

Getting ready for a race night always went the same for you. You take a shower to refresh and get dressed. Ever since you started dating Iwaizumi you wore his jersey when you raced and tonight would be no different. Number 1 Iwaizumi proudly on your back, keeping you safe. You’d check your car over one more time, making sure everything was perfect before going to pick Iwaizumi up.

You rolled your windows down and enjoyed the fresh air on the way to his dorm. He insisted on coming even though he had an exhausting practice week behind him. He would never miss a race of yours and especially not one that you were challenged to.

The first thing you saw when you rolled up was your stud of a boyfriend staring at his phone in all black. From his sneakers and black jeans to a quite skin tight shirt and the black leather jacket you knew would end up on your shoulders at the end of the night. There or in the backseat of your car as you two made out.

“I’m here to pick up a snack of a man, Iwaizumi Hajime? Could you help me?” You said with a chuckle as you gained the attention of your boyfriend.

“Ahh yeah yeah. He is waiting for a beautiful girl in a beast of a car to pick him up. Could that be you?” Iwaizumi said with a chuckle as he made his way to the car, getting in with a smile. He leaned in kissing your lips softly. “Good evening lovely.. You ready to win tonight?” He asked softly.

The kiss helped relax your nerves as usual, melting into Iwaizumis hands that cupped your small face. “When am I not my love? With you by my side I can do anything..” with a small smile you were on your way to the races.

Like most nights there were many people gathered around the improvised track as you rolled up to the car park area, but tonight there seemed to be hundreds of people more. Must be because everyone heard about the cocky challenger and Tokyo Queen racing tonight. This meant nothing to you. The only thing that mattered was doing a safe race and of course winning in the end. Too much was on the line and you couldn’t afford to lose tonight.

You got out the car taking Iwaizumi’s hand and heading over to some of your friends who also came to support you and to have your back no matter what. Your unwritten rule was that you didn’t have a drop of alcohol though. Under no circumstances would your performance be influenced by drinking or smoking. Hell you didn’t even have sex with Iwaizumi before your races because you knew that victory sex would feel so much better, plus it would give you something more to look forward to after the race.

The warm up races before yours went quite quickly. Too quickly for Iwaizumis liking as this meant your race was up next. He gave you a tight hug whispering sweet nothings in your ear and giving you a deep passionate kiss before escorting you to the car.

“Go win it love. I’ll be watching.” He said as he looked at you buckling up and getting ready to go.

“I always do Hajime. This will not be the time I lose..” you said before giving him a quick peck and settling in. A silent prayer ran through your head as you checked all the switches and your brakes. You weren’t religious but for some reason before every race you did a small prayer.

Unknowing to you Iwaizumi did the same. Even more he would light incense at the nearby temple and pray for your safety. The only thing that mattered to him.

He could see the guy who challenged you and he was exactly what you had described him to be. A cocky bastard by the name Kuroo Tetsuro who came in thinking he could have this territory and your crown with one race. What worried Iwaizumi was the can of beer he threw to the side, squishing it down. He was driving under influence.

Nothing was prohibited during Tokyo races. You could drink, smoke and do whatever you wanted. The only rule was no purposeful injuries of the other race participants. People who raced in Tokyo, in the races approved by the King and Queen though followed the unwritten rule of utmost respect to the other racer. No one drank until after the race and absolutely no one went in with the thought of destroying someone’s car or hurting anyone.

Iwaizumi feared though that this wasn’t the case with the underdog who came to beat his girlfriend. But it was too late for his fears as both drivers were revving the engines of their cars waiting for the stoplight to turn green and signal the start of the race.

With the starter gun going off and the light running green you were off. Pedal to the floor as you conquered the curves of the track you knew like the back of your hand. The underdog was hot on your tail though, getting closer and closer with each passing mile.

You were ready for anything but the swerve of his car into your lane had you shocked. This was a clear violation of the only rule in the race but you couldn’t let him take this and win. You stepped on the gas, trailing him as he got in the front.

The swerve of your car had Iwaizumi clutching the barricade harder than he already was, his knuckles turning white. What the hell was this guy doing? Had he went in just a bit more your car would have crashed into the building you two were passing by. His worst fears were coming true as you disappeared from his line of sight and he had to follow your car on the big screen that was set up on the wall.

You knew this race wouldn’t be easy but it just got much harder as it was obvious Kuroo didn’t care about your well being or this being a fair race. If your car was to swerve off the road and crash he wouldn’t care, he would take the win and his title without a care in the world. But you weren’t going to let that happen.

You were hot on his tail and knew there was only one place where you could pass him and get the win but it was the most dangerous curve of the track, one where you usually slowed down and still got the win and one where many lost control of their cars for going in too fast. But it was your only option and the only blind spot for the cameras.

You stepped on the gas, right behind Kuroo’s car before pulling the handbrake and drifting through the curve. He tried to get into you and slam you to the side but due to not knowing the track he swerved of the road slamming into the concrete barricade on the side.

You were about to step on the pedal but as you saw the fire and smoke coming up from his car you stopped and ran out of your car. You managed to pull him out as he wasn’t even buckled up and get him in your car. Some of the ash staining your cheeks and hands.

The loud crashing sound was heard at the starting line, smoke coming up from a part of the track and had everyone’s voices die down. Not a sound was heard as the people wondered what happened. The sudden silence was killing Iwaizumi who didn’t know what to make out of the sound. Did you crash? What was going on? Was someone going to call the ambulance? A million questions flooded his mind before he saw your car approaching the finish line.

He didn’t care about a thing as he ran to meet you as you exited the car with a soft smile on your face. There was some ash and dirt on your face but you looked unharmed, your car was also fine so why did you look like you got hurt?

He wrapped his arms around you, pulling you into his chest tightly as he calmed down. You were fine and you were safe in his arms right now.

“Baby what happened there? I was terrified..” Iwaizumi said as he pulled away cupping your face in his hands.

“The bastard didn’t study the track. He went full speed at the Curve, trying to get past me but he crashed into the barrier.. ” you explained with a sigh as your hands came to rest on top of his. “I saw the smoke and the fire in the rear view mirror so I stopped, got him out of the car and came to the finish line. He is unconscious but alive..” you explained with a sigh.

You turned to the people who were gathering around the finish line and glared at the unconscious black haired male in your passenger seat. “Get him out of my car and to our hospital. The races are done and he is done in Tokyo..” you said as you took Iwaizumis hand. The people at the finish line nodded and quickly got Kuroo out of your car putting him in a different one to get him to a hospital. The crowd was quickly dispersing and soon you and Iwaizumi were the only ones left.

“Come on, let’s get out of here..” you said with a soft smile as you pulled Iwaizumi to your car. You drove off to a nearby hill overlooking the city before parking. You turned to Iwaizumi whose hand hadn’t left yours ever since you came out of the car after winning.

“I’m fine Hajime.. I promise.” You said with a soft sigh as you turned to your boyfriend. “I would never do anything reckless while in the car even if that meant losing a race. Nothing is more important to me than coming back to you..” you practically whispered as your forehead came to rest against his, your eyes looking into his as you spoke. “I love you Haji..” you whispered against his lips.

Iwaizumi breathed in your scent and relaxed. You were there with him. Safe and in one piece, telling him you loved him. “I love you baby. So much.. ” he said as he cupped your face. “I was so worried though. I heard the crash and saw the smoke but there was nothing. I thought I lost you..” he said softly, his usually confident and strong voice trembling as he held you.

You frowned slightly before placing a soft kiss to his lips. “I’m here Hajime. I’m here and I love you.. Let me show you how much.. ” you whispered as you crawled over to his lap.

Iwaizumi chuckled lightly as you straddled his lap but right now he just wanted to hold you in his arms and wouldn’t object to anything you said or did.

You slid your hands up his chest and neck before resting them on his face, cupping it with your small hands as you leaned in to kiss him. “I love you and I’ll always come back to you.” You whispered as you pulled away, your lower body slowly grinding against his as you felt his hands go from your thighs to your hips.

“I will always love you..” you said as your hands trailed down to the buckle of his pants. “I’m going to show you how much I love you baby. You are mine and I am yours Hajime..” you mumbled against his lips as your hands freed his cock. You quickly pulled your tights down, moving your panties to the side.

Iwaizumi was lost in your soft lips and words of assurance. He knew how much you loved him but hearing it over and over again would never get old to him. Saying you love him and that you would always come back to him had his heart fluttering like the first time you told him you loved him. He helped you take your shirt of admiring you beautiful and soft skin pressing against his as he took his own off before grabbing your face and kissing you passionately. “I love you so much YN. I will always love you.” He whispered as you slowly sunk down on his length.

“Fuck Hajime.. You’re filling me so well..” you groaned as you slowly made your way down his hard cock, your pussy stretching to take all of him in. The pain and pleasure mixed as always, the stretch burning in the most amazing way possible. No matter how many times the two of you had sex, he always felt too big and you always felt so full. Especially when you were riding him, then you could feel him in your tummy.

After a few moments you managed to slide all the way down, staying still as Iwaizumi stroked your hair softly letting you adjust to the feeling and go at your own pace.

“You are doing so good baby girl. Taking me so well.. Take your time baby..” he whispered in your ear as your hands rested on his shoulders, holding on for support as your breaths came out in soft puffs. 

“You’re so big Hajime.. Fuck..” you mumbled as you lifted your hips slightly before sliding back down and gasping at the feeling. The tip of his cock easily reached up to your cervix as you went down. The slight burning sensation from being stretched was so good it made your head fall back in pleasure. This granted Iwaizumi full access to your delicate neck and he wasted no time in attaching his lips to it.

You did your best to bounce on his cock but you were slowly beginning to lose yourself in the slow and rhythmic thrusts, your movements becoming sloppier and your mind starting to go blank from the pleasure. “Haji.. I.. please, I’m so close baby..” you mumbled as your head fell onto his shoulder.

“I’ve got you baby girl. I’ll take care of you..’ Iwaizumi whispered against your ear as he began to meet your hips and thrust up and into you, his hand sliding down to where your bodies joined where his fingers found your sensitive clit. His fingers began rubbing the ball of nerves just how you loved it and it was confirmed by the sharp gasp he got out of you.

"Haji it’s too much. I’m.. I’m gonna cum..” you cried out as your hands tugged on his hair, your lips brushing against his.

“Then cum baby girl. Cum all over my cock. Let me hear you scream because I love you so much baby..” he groaned as he sped up his thrusts and the quick motion of his fingers. 

The thrill on your face when you came out victorious was his second favourite look on you. The first being when you’re under him as he coaxed orgasm after orgasm out of you.

In a matter of moments you were coming undone around Iwaizumi’s cock, your pussy pulsating around him which only made him cum inside you. His cock twitching as he released his load.

Each other’s names and I love yous filled the car as you came down from your highs.

“I love you racer girl.. ” Iwaizumi said with a lazy smile.

“I love you, my ace..” YN responded.

The two of you sat like that for a while, away from the world, holding each other.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #439

“all the other kids with the pumped up kicks, you better run, better run, outrun my gun”

Have you written a letter to a soldier? No. Ever been in a perfect relationship? I thought so. But no, those don't exist. The last song you listened to? "Broadcasting From Beyond" by Motionless In White. Have you ever wished you could hurt somebody as much as they hurt you? I... have, but I don't wish that at all anymore. Has a dentist ever screwed up on anything when working on you? No. Would you rather be a successful writer or artist? Artist. Who are you in love with? Nobody. Does someone’s view on homosexuality affect how you feel about them in any way? It sure as fuck does. How about someone’s view on religion? Nah. Well, usually. It depends on the beliefs themselves and to what extremity. What is something you wear that others might consider unfashionable? Flipflops, like... year-round, lmao. What kind of pill did you last take? It's called Lamictal, the catalyst for my primary mood stabilizer. Do you like wearing glasses? No. I'd wear contacts if I had the patience and non-shaky hands. What first comes to mind when thinking of 10th grade? Jason. -_- That's the year we started dating. What’s the scariest thing that’s happened to you? A traumatic breakup. Has an ambulance ever came to your house? Yes, for my mother. The person you’re thinking about - what are you thinking about them? Well, because you mentioned him, I'm thinking about Jason and just how I fucked shit up 'n stuff. How many different cars have you driven? Uhhhh I want to say two? But maybe just one? Was the last person you hung out with single? I guess that would be my mom, in which case yes. Have you ever attended a private school? My last college was a private school, yes. Have you ever been in an abusive relationship? No, and for that I am incredibly grateful. Have you ever cooked for anyone other than yourself? Yeah. I've made scrambled eggs for my family before as breakfast, and I did the same for Sara, too. Would you rather live in the city, the suburbs, or the rural area? Ugh, take me back to the middle of nowhere, please. :/ Do you know someone who is really ambidextrous? Sara! Are you adopted? No. Who was the last person that cried in your presence? Probably one of my nieces or nephew. Can you write your name in a foreign language? Uh, I think? In the German alphabet, "y" isn't actually a letter, and my name is Brittany, so I'm not entirely sure if it would be spelled that same way or not, but I think so. Who is the person you often go to for venting? My mom. Was the last person you kissed male or female? Female. Do you say “I love you” even when you don’t mean it? No. That shit can scar people (aka me) so goddamn deep when they don't mean it anymore. What’s the one thing you regret more than anything? Things I wrote to Jason in letters after the breakup. I would literally give a limb (no, I'm not exaggerating) to take it back. There are times I actually do wonder if we would've gotten back together if I wasn't just... a bitter and ridiculously hurt fuck that took it all out on him. Do you like vanilla? Yes. Do you own a bean bag chair? No. I actually do want one for my extra room/"office," though, to read on. Have you kissed any friends on your Facebook? Yeah. Do you get snow where you live? Occasionally, but it's very rarely a lot. What’s your favorite flavor of Doritos? Cool Ranch. Do you ever worry about what the world will be like when you have kids? Good thing I ain't havin' 'em. Have you ever seen a hippo in person? Yes. Do you like the band A Skylit Drive? I've actually only heard their "Love The Way You Lie" cover, which I do like. Have you ever been to any professional sports games? Yeah, with my dad. What’s the most boring sport to watch? Golf. But I don't particularly enjoy any. Do you like lip rings on the opposite sex? MHMMMMMMMMMMMMM. If you suddenly went deaf, what would be your most missed sound? Music. Would you rather have a poodle or a Rottweiler? If I actually wanted a dog, a Rottweiler. Which hurts the most, physical or emotional pain? Emotional, for sure. Would you rather visit a zoo or an art museum? Zoo. Would you ever consider getting back together with any of your exes? I know damn well I'd say yes to Jason in a heartbeat. Literally before even getting to know the current him. That's how emotionally attached I am to him, even with the trauma. I'd get back together with Sara if/when we both are more stable emotionally and with clear direction, which is mostly on my end now. I also don't think I'd be ready until one of us is able to move for the other. Is there a certain quote you live by? No. Do you have any tattoos? I have some, but not nearly enough. :( Are you friends with the last person you kissed? She's my bestie! :') Green or purple grapes? I don't really have much of a preference, so long as they're crisp. What is your ringtone? Just something that came with the phone. If someone gave you $1,000 to burn a butterfly over a candle, would you? Fuck no. What is something you wish you had more of? Adventure, for one. Have you ever trusted someone too much? JASON. HOLY FUCK. It was FACT to me that we would, could, never break up. It just... wasn't possible in my head. It was like breaking the laws of the world. When he told me he loved me and would never leave, I believed that shit as if it was God himself promising that. I've never and will never trust someone like that ever again, because it wasn't healthy in the slightest. Do you sleep with your window open? Noooo, that would freak me out. Have you ever kissed anyone with a lip ring? Yeah; Tyler had snakebites. Did you go to high school with your current best friend? No; we live in different states. Whose was the last funeral you attended? Ummm I'm actually not sure. Do you avoid using public restrooms? Yes. Do you like eggnog? Nooooo. Who is the person you dislike the most? It's so fucking stupid... I know it is STILL the girl Jason dated after me. I don't even think they're together anymore, so why the fuck does it matter? I know NOTHING about this poor girl that just found someone she really liked and got dumped FOR THE SAME REASON AS ME. It shouldn't fucking matter, at all, but it still does in my head. Do you take part in paying the bills for your household? No, because I don't have an income. What is your favourite way to eat rice? As pork fried rice. What is the longest relationship you’ve ever been in? Over 3 1/2 years with Jason. Do you currently have any alarms set? No. How many cars can fit in your driveway? Barely even two. What was the first television show you were obsessed with? Pokemon. Do you eat chili when you get a hotdog, or do you like it plain? I don't like chili. Would you ever tell your mom about the things you’ve done sexually? Not EVERYTHING, no. I wouldn't tell her anything at all unless she asked. I don't like talking about that stuff. Have you ever been in a car wreck? Yes. Has anyone ever told you that they think you have ADHD? Yes, which was absolutely, utterly ridiculous. Has anyone ever called you a sociopath before? No. Has anyone ever taken your own clothes off you before? Yes. Is there someone you want to kiss right now? Probably always will. -_- Have you ever had a real tea party? Or been to one? Ha ha no, but my little sister used to love to have little ones with her Disney princesses plastic tea set. She would always ask Mom or me to have one with her. Have you been called a tease? Only playfully. Did you kiss the last person you really wanted to kiss? Yes. Would you ever go to a protest or be involved in a protest? So long as it was peaceful, yes. When playing rock, paper, scissors, which do you usually pick? Scissors. Have you ever tried to write a book? Yes, when I was younger. Have you ever been hit by a chunk of hail? No. Is it true that if you don’t love yourself, you can’t love another? Absofuckinglutely not. I'm proof of that. That idea is such bullshit. Do you share a bed with anyone? Just my cat. Who is one very unique celebrity/musician/whatever that you love? MARKKKKKKKKKKKKKKK. Could you handle babysitting two small children at once, such as two children under three years old? OH FUCK NO. Would you say that people consider you a major flirt? Definitely not. Do any of your friends have children? Yes. Would you rather cry in public or make someone else cry in public? I would FAR rather cry myself. I would feel so, so bad for making someone else cry, not even just in public. Would you rather re-live today forever or not live? Not live. Would you rather be just rich or rich and famous? Just rich. Who was the last person of the opposite sex to be in your bedroom? My nephew, I believe. He and Aubree wanted to see the snake. What’s your favourite kind of Cap’N Crunch? The "All Berries" one. What is your favourite Pepsi product? Mountain Dew. Is the computer you’re using yours? Yes. Do you get upset when a dog jumps on you? Not at all. I got used to that, and besides, it's cute to see them so excited. Is there a video or computer game that you can get lost in for hours? World of Warcraft, sometimes. I usually play it daily, but there are some days where I just am not interested in it. What do you like on your pizza? Meats and/or jalapenos. Do you get breadsticks with your pizza? Mom usually gets 'em, yeah. Did you ever have a waterbed? Yeah. Not one anyone slept on regularly, but just like, a plastic one or whatever the material was to sleep in if someone was staying over. What toy from your childhood do you miss? I wish I didn't get rid of my big crocodile toy that I was obsessed with. :'( He was like the main character in the world I made up for him and his family. Have you ever been to a rock concert? Yeah. \m/ What is your religion? None. Do you like listening to love songs? Meh, I have to be in the mood, plus it depends on the song. A lot of them trigger me. What is one meal that you like to eat while sick? I'm nervous to eat when I'm sick, so I mostly just have saltine crackers and ginger ale. Have you ever fed bread to ducks or geese? Yeah, when I was a kid and didn't know it was bad for them and the water. I never would now. The name of the last board game that you played? I think it was "Sorry!" with the kids. Has anyone ever commented on your weight? I mean, doctors, but not in a judgmental, belittling way. Just in a way that expressed concern for my health. Have you ever thought about joining the military? NOOOOOOOOOO. Have you ever felt like you were going out of your mind? Yes. And I don't mean that as an exaggeration; I believe I've literally qualified as insane at a point after the breakup. I was so fucking delusional and desperate and just going in circles. Are you ever jealous of happy couples? Meh, sometimes. Lately, who has spent the most time on your mind? Take a guess. .-. It's been pretty bad lately. Do you ever feel like someone would be disappointed to see your body or are you comfortable with your body enough where you don’t think that? I have a HORRIBLE body image. My body fucking disgusts me. I don't even like my mother seeing me get changed or anything like that. I don't want ANYBODY seeing me naked. What is your favorite flavor of Monster? I don't like any that I've ever had a sip of. Have you ever ran from the police? No. That never goes well. Do you have any trophies? Yeah. Do you like screamo music? No. What does your wallet look like? It's a checkered Harley Quinn one. Is there something nobody knows about you (and what)? Yes. Why would I share that if I don't want anyone to know? Does your family have a secret? No. Do you do anything to help the environment? We recycle. Mom also cuts up those plastic things that come with soda bottles packed together, as well as some other plastic wrappings. We are both disgusted by people who litter, so we avoid that. I also try to conserve water where I can, like by turning the sink off when I brush my teeth. There are other little things, but I wish I did even more. Do you like to take pictures of yourself? FUCK NO. It is so rare I do that nowadays. When/where are you most likely to sing? The car. Would you ever wish to explore a cave? OH MY GOD, PLEEEEEAAAAASE <3 What is the most illegal thing you’ve done? Pirated an expensive editing software, oops. :x Have you ever seen somebody get shot? LKJ;ALSDJFA;JWELKRJLW;Q NOOOOOOOOO.

[drunklander]

Drunj!Der Yells About Outlander

Thoughts on Ep. 512

Looking for a way to spend Mother’s Day? Well, we here at Outlander have the perfect idea! Celebrate with the women you love by watching us gang rape grannie!

This episode is like the perfect storm of everything that is wrong with Outlander. The cast and crew saying it’s their strongest episode yet when it’s basically artsy gang rape. The CYA trigger warnings when the story would have worked perfectly well without including yet another rape. The kool aid-drinking fans yelling at and acting holier than thou at the fans who rightfully call out the massive problem this show has with rape and assault. The fans yelling at other fans because It’S iN tHe BoOk so it has to be included. The fans yelling at other fans for wanting to follow the books but not wanting rape every 0.5 seconds. The fans yelling at other fans to fuck off if they don’t like the show. The women in the cast throwing out trigger warnings while the men are radio silent or wanting the gladiators to face the plague and fight for their own amusement. It literally has everything.

And I am tired.

I’ve been in this fandom for six years and have had quite a journey. From first discovering the show and immediately devouring the books. The honeymoon period where I could headcanon out all the problematic bits. The getting deep into the fandom nonsense. The getting out of the fandom nonsense. The judging the fandom nonsense because it’s funny and they’re all idiots. The getting sick of the fandom nonsense because it’s not even fun to judge the dummies anymore. The becoming more and more aware that it’s impossible to whistle past the problems in the books and the show. The sticking around, holding out hope things might turn around and the initial magic could be recaptured. And finally, the giving up.

The books are trash. The show is trash. There are a handful of good scenes in each which can be enjoyed on their own, but as a whole, holy shit this stuff is not good. (Seriously, I tried to do a Fiery Cross reread before the season started. I started like a year ago and am still only at Jocasta’s wedding because I just don’t care enough to actually get through it.)

Which brings us here. I am tired. I have already ranted and raged and yelled and swore and wrote far too many words about the gratuitous overuse of rape in the Outlanderverse. It fucking has its own tag for fuck’s sake.

So here’s a recap. And then I think I’m done looking at this show in detail. Not because the idiot fans insist on coming to my notes to tell me to fuck off if I don’t like the show. Not because the crew are condescending douchecanoes. Not because the author is a misogynist garbage heap. But because spending an hour of my time for a few weeks out of the year to write these things isn’t worth it. I did it for as long as I did because it took so little time. So why not? But yeah, it’s not even worth that tiny commitment anymore.

And to the people who I know will @ me about how no one was forcing me to stick around and I could have quit any time, yeah, no shit captain obvious, I know that. Fuck off already. I stuck around because I really liked the little corner of the fandom that I’d found. I made some awesome friends. Most of those friends have since quit the fandom. I’m really glad to have them in my life outside of this little corner of the internet. And it was a fun writing exercise. I don’t really like the show anymore, but I enjoyed building an argument about why I don’t like it and think it’s bad that has valid points behind it. Especially considering how blindly overly adoring a bunch of the fandom is about it. But now I think I’d rather consume Outlander content as pretty people in pretty period costumes in gifsets. Or like, on in the background but not really paying close attention. Why not quit altogether? Because to quote the great Ron Swanson (I’m halfway through a Parks rewatch and I just love that show a lot ok.), I can do what I want. And besides, there’s like a fucking library’s worth of fics that I haven’t read and have been meaning to. And I like the characters enough to want to keep reading about them in stories that are better than the canon. (Bless you fic writers, blesssss.)

So. Was this whole ramble self-indulgent and overly serious for a fucking TV show? Absofuckinglutely. But please see the aforementioned Swansonism.

Alright, fuckos. Let’s do this.

This is a Roberts brainchild, isn’t it. *checks credits* Yup. Knew it. This feels very much like a Roberts special. In that he is probs quite pleased with himself but like, it’s crap.

Yes, we ARE doing ANOTHER rape story! But look! It’s a disassociation montage! It’s the ‘60s, get it?! There are callbacks! An orange from the king in season 2! A vase from season 1! A rabbit from season 3! An amber-looking dragonfly! Jamie with the young hair spouting off book lines! ApPrEcIaTe MuH aRt! We are so good at finding new and creative ways to rape our characters! Fuck off, twatwaffle. You are the worst.

Like, does Roger feel left out at this point? He’s only been hanged. Literally everyone else has either been raped, been sexually assaulted, or been threatened with rape and/or sexual assault.

“But it’s not gratuitous! Look! They’re all so different! Jamie’s was overly graphic and he got a half a season to brood about! We manged to not show much of Fergus’ (but still showed a thrust) because he’s a child and it was just a plot device for Jamie and not actually about him! Mary’s was about Fred! Claire’s with the king was about Jamie! Jamie’s with Geneva was shot like p0rn! Marsali being threatened by the sailors was to motivate Fergus! Bree’s was about the other people in the room and Roger! Claire’s really has no purpose because she’s already been kidnapped and beaten, and that is super traumatic, and we’re gonna wrap it up with a bow by the end of the episode!”

This fucking show, guys. This fucking show.

Bonus points* for the Black character spouting off the superstitious stuff.

*By bonus points I mean this show, and the books are absolute shit on matters of race. The books especially.

The cast and crew have 100% heard everyone’s thoughts on the overuse of rape in the Outlanderverse. And their response has been to include more and more of it. We had a whole season of one character’s arc being about her rape and literally as soon as that was resolved, they gang rape another character. It really does tell you as much as you need to know about them. Lazy. Fucking. Cowards.

Kidnapping not enough trauma? Let’s add some gang rape! Gang rape not enough trauma? Let’s add visualizing that your daughter and grandchild are dead! Just like Fred died! This show really brings trauma p0rn to a whole new level.

Called the Bree and Roger shit.

This scene with the men rallying to go save Claire is like another layer of fuck you. Bree, you stay home, men, give your hero lines and let’s have a getting ready montage. Because your hero moment is what this is really all about. And your manpain about killing someone. *screams into a pillow*

The petty side of me is happy that it was Fergus and Young Ian who are with Claire when they find her and not Roger. Her two sons...

Why yes, I am judging all of the fans who like get their panties all wet over Jamie being like “It is I who kills for her.” Like “yeah go ahead and rape and beat Claire within an inch of her life if it means the big strong man gets to come in and save her and say something intense.” Fuck off and go take a hard look at yourself and what that says about you.

“Was there an Indian there?” “Nope, he wouldn’t help you because LiOnEl but somehow was able to peace out when it was in his interest. Because he is as bad as the ones who actually raped you.”

The Bree and Claire hug makes me both sad and angry. I want to hug them both and take them out of this fucking place and tell them that they’ve been done dirty and deserved fucking better from the writers.

Glad Marsali gets in on the hug. Claire’s two remaining daughters.

Claire’s “I have fucking survived” speech is like the one time she she actually talks about herself not in relation to a man. It’s about her. Claire. HOWEVER! It is epically fucked up that a woman needs to check off all the trauma she’s endured to show she’s a strong character.

So. Fucked. Up.

The fact that we’re spending time on Roger’s manpain about killing someone also really tells us a lot about the show’s feelings toward women. Yeah, killing someone is a big deal. It’s normal and expected to have feelings about it. But the juxtaposition of Claire’s speech about all of her traumas with Roger being like yeah, I killed a guy who had kidnapped, beaten and raped your mom is like, read the room, bro/writers.

The fact that the men put Claire’s rapist in her surgery, her space, her place of healing, where she is able to be most herself, makes me want to punch each and every one of them in the throat. Like seriously. Fuck each and every one of them.

Also Lionel is like cartoonishly terrible. Not that nuance has ever been this show’s strong suit. But like come the fuck on.

Marsali killing Lionel is the one thing about this episode that I didn’t hate. The men are all like “We kill for Claire! Let’s all rally in this montage and go do the manly thing of defending the woman!” Marsali is just like, yeah, that’s my Ma you fucked with. She shows some agency. She doesn’t do it in a performative way for the other men or for Claire like the guys do. She just knows this fuck needs to die, knows it’s gonna be hard for her and might damn her soul (don’t worry Marsali, all that religion crap is bullshit), and does it anyway.

Marsali’s arc has been my favorite of this whole fucking series. The one bright spot I was hanging on to all of this season especially.

Her quick scene with Jamie doesn’t bother me like Roger’s does. Because Roger is like oh no, I killed a guy! Can you forgive me? For killing a rapist? Like fuck off, bro. And Marsali is like yeah, I killed a guy. I hope I’m not damned for it, but the guy needed to die so I did it.

Also like, Richard had potential to not be cartoonishly bad. But like nope. “He reaped what he sowed, but cLeArLy I’m gonna need to escalate this further. Because manly men can’t let shit go.”

Fuck all men, tbh.

*googles how to emigrate to Themyscira*

Jamie’s speech that’s like supposed to parallel Claire’s can fuck all the way off. Giving him the last voice over just underscores how this was all about men. Not Claire. But the men. Fuuuuck everything.

Look! Everything’s fine again! Back to normal! Peaceful for a bit! With a cheesy af on the nose storm coming! So you know something bad’s coming! In case you forgot!

And Jamie got a book line. So it’s all good now.

And don’t worry about Claire, y’all. She feels safe now. Her and Jamie fucked it out.

It’s amazing, in retrospect, that I ever let this story suck me in so much.

Happy Mother’s Day! See you on the other side of the hiatus.

[malethirsty]

Fetish - Karl Anderson

Summary: Karl’s over reliance on his ‘Hot Asian Wife’ and Asian fetish was driving you to breaking point. Sometimes it takes a good sub to take charge.

Warnings: M/M smut (21+), Bareback (Wrap Before You Tap!), TW: Brief mention of Asian Fetish, BDSM

Inspired by: The recent debate over Karl Anderson’s obsession with Asian women

If you asked someone what Karl Anderson from the WWE was known the most for, you’d get one of two answers; Either being a founding member of The Bullet Club (now The O.C.) or his comments about his Hot Asian Wife. The southern wrestler had a habit of constantly mentioning the latter any chance he could, in any way he could as well, sometimes landing him in hot water. People wondered why he would go above and beyond; some thought it was over enthusiasm whilst others thought he was a fetishist. Fetishist maybe? But you knew neither reason was close to why Karl really acted the way he did.

You were what was known as the Shot Blower between Bullet Club members, having been a keen fan of NJPW for a long while, you were scouted out by Prince Devitt when the heel faction formed and made their Shot Blower, which was a fancy way of saying groupie. After every BC match, without hesitation, you were tasked with relieving the members of the Club, getting them to shoot their load from their balls was your task, and you took to it perfectly. Able to bend into any position Devitt, Tama, Rey, Fale & Karl wanted you to go in, you were affectionately called their slut, and couldn’t think of anywhere else you’d rather be. That is until you wound up in a relationship with Karl. Having watched him since 2008, you were the most enthused when you got to take his dick, to the amusement of some members (and though they wouldn’t say it, jealousy from Devitt, AJ & Luke). The two of you were fucking in his hotel room when the offer was posed so hearing the big burly man moan out “Fuck Y/N, will you be my boyfriend?” Was quite surprising to hear to say the least, but you gladly accepted to whoops and moans as Karl shot his load not long afterwards.

Ever since it was a two time tango, Karl with southern heritage couldn’t find it easy to explain he had a male partner, so used his wife as a beard, his over enthusiasm was to cover any chance of anyone working out he was in love with you, and whilst you originally were upset for her, you eventually thought ‘She has a roof over her head & she’s financially together and others aren’t as lucky’ and continued on with your relationship with Karl. However the naked pics and Asian thirsting were starting to get to you, you needed to remind Karl of who he belonged to, and you knew exactly how, a bit of black and a Power Bottom attitude should do the trick, what man could resist a pussy that teased them?

You selected what you needed and placed it out in the bedroom before texting Karl: ‘Babe, we need to talk’ text. He almost immediately responded with ‘Shit, you aren’t thinking if ending it, are ya?’ You smirked at his vulnerability, if he was this nervous for a talk, who knows what would happen once you got him whipped ‘Of course not daddy, but we do need to talk. Head up to Hotel room, let me know when you arrive’. His reply took a couple of minutes but with a firm reaffirming ‘Sure’, whilst you waited off in the lounge for Karl to arrive, circling through his Instagram for his ‘Hot Asians with Smooth Asian Skin’ post to use as leverage. 15 minutes later your phone dinged, Karl was on his way up. You stood and walked over to stand at the door, in a few minutes you heard the door knock, and you opened it “Come in Karl.” You told him, barely glancing at him, playing your role perfectly. You walked back to the sofa before sitting down, seeing him walk slowly in, unclear as to why he was here. “Darlin, why do we need to talk? What’s happened?” That was the cue to ignite your faux fury “THIS!” You yelled, shoving your phone into his hands, he read the post before falling onto the couch laughing like he had heard the world’s funniest punchline “Why are you laughing?!” You spattered out “Babe, this is nothing more than usual. I’m using it as a guise so people don’t know about us. Why has this gotten you so upset? You’ve never been like this before.” “How the fuck would you know? You’re never around these days! You’re either off with AJ & Luke, or you’re off with your beard of a wife, using her for attention and God knows what else! Whilst I’m left as a side piece waiting for you to come over when you have a chance. And then I see stuff like this and-“ you started to tear up “I don’t even know that you care anymore.” Karl got up and crossed to you “Baby boy, you know I care.” “No you don’t.” “Well what do you want me to do? Cut back work? Dump my wife and come out, you don’t know where I’m from, they’ll come after us, send death threats and lord knows what else! I need to keep you safe.” “And I need to be safe, but when I see things like this, I think this whole thing isn’t worth it.” That did it, Karl was now beginning to cry “No! Please baby, don’t say that. All our history in New Japan Pro Wrestling, the Bullet Club, coming over with me because you cared, don’t end it because of my ridiculousness, please I beg of you! I’ll do anything you want! ANYTHING!”

You had never seen a grown man like Karl cry before, those types of men were always taught crying was weak, un masculine even. Yet there the ruthless heel was, genuine tears streaming down his face. You knew the act had to end here, not only did his promise of anything a perfect cue, it pained you to see the man you loved so upset. “Anything Karl?” “You name it, I’ll do it.” “Well can you head into the other room and rest down on the metal slab for a moment, I need to get myself together” Karl immediately hopped up and tore into the bedroom, you kept your face hidden until you heard the machine locking Karl in place “Y/N, what the hell, I’m stuck! Y/N Help!” You grinned stripping off your formal wear to reveal the black leather skin tight dom costume you wore underneath. You detached the whip from where it was strapped into the outfit and strolled into the bedroom. Sure enough, Karl was struggling but couldn’t break free. “Y/N, please I need-“ Karl stopped once he saw you “Jesus Christ babe, you look beautiful.” You shrugged “I know daddy.” You strolled over to him “Now, I have no intention of breaking us up, in fact, I called you hear cause I wanted to fuck, but this time it’s on my terms not yours. Got it.” You cracked the whip for emphasis “Yes sir.” Karl said very formally “Good.” You lent down to kiss Karl, his taste so incredibly sweet “Mmmmm babe, I love this.” Karl groaned, you began to disrobe Karl until he was left on the cold sex slab, utterly naked. “Now look at the TV for me.” Karl did as you instructed as you reached for the remote and turned it on.

“This demonstration has been approved by Prince Devitt and the other members of Bullet Club. In this video, our Shot Blower will demonstrate how big our loads are.” Karl’s mouth dropped open, you were playing the sex tape you and BC had filmed a long while ago, glancing down, you saw his cock stiffen. “Now keep your eyes on the screen Karl.” You said and he didn’t need any more persuasion, his attention was wrapped onto the screen where he saw Prince Devitt begin to fuck you deep as his TV self cheered on. You got your hand round Karl’s cock and began to stroke “Oh yeah, oh fuck babe, like that, stroke it like that.” He moaned, in absolute bliss. The footage you had shot was pretty hot to say the least, it took until you’d past Devitt and Fale before Karl cried out “Fuck I’m gonna cum!” You quickly removed your hand, leaving the man whining “Babe, why?” “Because I need to leave an impression on you Mr. Anderson, you are gonna edge until we get to your part” “But that’s at the end of the fucking film!” He groaned. You moved a leaver on the slab board which lifted his legs up so that you could get a clear shot of his ass, you brought the whip down hard making Karl cry out “I thought you said anything I wanted, why did that go out the window?” “You weren’t even upset!” Karl shouted back, you slapped his ass again “Upset no, Affronted yes, Left out, Absofuckinglutely.” You landed a slap on each of the three statements leaving Karl’s ass a red mess, tear tracks beginning to form “Now are you gonna listen?” “Yes Y/N, daddy’s gonna listen to you!” “Good” you slapped the whip over his hole, making him yell “WHY?” You shrugged “Cause I was in the mood.” Which mirrored perfectly what happened on the TV, Rey having shot on your face instead of your hole, you had asked why, and he’d given the same answer.

You returned to the process of stroking Karl, as the film played on. As soon as you heard the moans of Tama as he unloaded deep in your ass, Karl’s eyes lit up, now was his time. You removed your hand and crawled on top of Karl “After all this time of being my fan, and now you finally get good ol’ Daddy Karl.” Came NJPW Karl’s voice from the TV “Look at us now.” You grinned down at him “Yeah, now let me fuck your ass, I’m desperate!” You circled your hole around his cock “How desperate?” “Y/N, please stop teasing me, I got here, now take my dick!” He tried to shove his hips forwards, but couldn’t, the metal steel clipped around his waist constricted those types of moves, he was still where he was when he first climbed onto the slab. “Remember what was on the tape Karl, you made me beg, so today you will beg for me.” “I beg you to fuck me.” Karl choked out “Come on Karl, you can do better than that.” “I need you to ride daddy’s dick, he’s so damn needy for a man’s ass.” “Better” you praised, letting the tip in “Oh fuck!” Karl groaned, the tight heat getting the best of him, desperately again trying to break the steel but to no avail. “You’ve got to hit the spot right.” You reminded him, Karl throwing utter caution to the wind “My wife won’t let me fuck her, and even then she’s lousy, her stretched out pussy is sloppy and dull, nothing compared to your ass! Your hole is one of a kind Y/N, PLEASE TAKE DADDY’S DICK!”

Finally relieving Karl, you finally took his entire cock balls deep. “FUCK YES! OH THAT’S AMAZING!” Karl yelled out as you began to ride him, savoring this moment. You’d always been on the bottom only getting to see Karl’s face at your length as you rode his cock, this however was blissful, being filled by The O.C.Member’s member while looking down at his face contorted into sexual ecstasy was something you’d have to do again. “Fuck Karl, fuck me deep like you love to do.” “I can’t Y/N, this fucking rod’s holding my arms away!” “Oh to hell with this, DEACTIVATE!” As soon as you said the machine’s key work, the bars and chains holding Karl’s hands, legs and waist down disconnected. Karl picked you up but couldn’t find the strength to sit, so fell onto the bed, letting you ride him from above even more than before. “Fuck this is actually really hot babe. We need to do this again, but right now, fuck, I need to cum.” You leaned down, closing your lips around Karl’s in a searing kiss, you eventually moved your lips to his ear “Go right ahead daddy Karl.” You whispered biting onto his ear lobe.

Karl practically screamed out loud as he shot load upon load in your ass, it was like it didn’t end. During this, Karl reached down and stroked your cock as well, the heating sensation deep in your guy “F-fuck, Karl, I’m, gonna” before you could get the last word out, you shot your load all over Karl’s face. Your hole tightened around Karl, taking even more cum, as both of you moaned directly at each other before finally it stopped. You pulled away, slumping next to him “Jesus Christ Y/N, that was hands down the best fuck we’ve ever had. And given I said you were a hands down better fuck than anyone I’d ever had, that says something.” “I guess it does.” You heavily breathed out, finally getting your breathing calm again. “Fuck, we need to do this some other time.” “Sure, let me know when you’re free from ho-“ “I mean tonight, fuck my wife, I’m staying here with you, I’ve put my image over you for long enough, fuck that. I’m staying here for a long while.” You were elated, you needed reassurance that Karl was yours and this was it. “Now can you tell me where you got that slab thingy, AJ’s looking to spice up his bedroom action.”

[bigskydreaming]

Ok so everyone and their mama is being resurrected on Krakoa and so many people in marvel have gone through the revolving door that is death. So please tell me just one little thing. Where is Irene Adler? Is she still dead? If not, then why is she only just now being brought back? Why is one of the most iconic imo queer couples still suffering? #GiveMystiqueHerWife #LetMyWLWBeHappy #BringDestinyBack

She is still dead, but she hasn’t been forgotten - this is actually a long-running subplot Marvel laid down, though I’m with you in wanting them to Get To It already. My guess is we’ll start to see more building towards this particular plotline once X of Swords is done, though it won’t actually be the NEXT major storyline. Just a hunch, but my bet is the next focal storyline the X-books concentrate on after X of Swords wraps up is the conflict brewing with the Children of the Vault, after Darwin, Laura and Synch got taken prisoner by them in one of the earlier issues of the core X-Men title. 

Alternatively, the next major focus is going to be on what’s brewing under the surface with Vulcan (though its also possible these are going to be one and the same. Gabe’s stories have always been linked with Darwin’s more than anyone else, and given that he’s front and central to whatever’s front and central with whatever’s coming with the CotV, it wouldn’t surprise me if our next face to face with Gabe’s ‘dark side’ ties into that same story. Ugh, Gabe going all Emperor Vulcan again and teaming up with the Children of the Vault....now there’s a scary thought. But dammit, just let Gabe be good, I’m so tired of this ‘there’s something just innately dark and evil inside of him’ crap, bleh. BUT I DIGRESS).

But anyway, the thing with Destiny is actually an ongoing subplot. Back in Powers of X, it was explicitly ‘decided’ by Moira, Xavier and Magneto that they were actively going to try and keep any precogs from being resurrected on Krakoa, including - and ESPECIALLY Irene - because basically, they’re afraid of the precogs, and the fact that there’s no hiding from them Xavier’s big secret.....for all his big talk, he doesn’t actually know what the HELL he’s doing. The thing they’re hiding from everyone else is that they actually already TRIED the Great Krakoa experiment at least once before, or at least to some degree, though we do know they’ve done at least some things differently this time around. 

But that was the future shown in Powers of X, where Moira ended up living 1000 years into the future before dying and resetting the timeline....and coupled with the fact that the three of them believe that they’re now on the LAST of Moira’s predicted eleven lifetimes, this is their last chance to ‘get it right’ so to speak, and to find a way forward that allows the mutant race to survive and flourish past any of the endpoints Moira’s previous lives and foreknowledge have shown....

Basically, the fear seems to be that if everyone else on Krakoa knew this background for how they came up with all of this and the futures they’re trying to avoid, as well as the fact that quite simply, they do not know if the course they’ve charted this time is going to be any more capable of circumventing the doom they keep butting up against lifetime after lifetime....this would undermine all faith in them and what they’re doing, and fracture the tenuous alliances that so far have everyone from the X-Men to Apocalypse and Sinister and Selene all working side by side. 

They ‘built’ modern Krakoa according to blueprints gleaned from actual knowledge of the future.....but they’re afraid of competing blueprints getting in the way of the road they’ve taken everyone down and derailing their own plan of action. Especially if everyone else were to find out that for all their confidence, they can’t say with certainty the road this time around is going to actually lead where they’re trying to go....and that in fact, they actually have a track record of a good half a dozen previous attempts where they got it disastrously wrong.

So even though Xavier explicitly promised Raven that he would resurrect Irene in exchange for her cooperation and her place on the Quiet Council.....he, Magnus and Moira have been shown meeting in secret to say that they are actually deadset against that happening. But Raven is no fool of course, and she’s suspected from the start that Xavier’s just playing her, and he has no intention of ever resurrecting Irene. (I mean, she was married to the man once, after all, as blergh as that Bendis-bite was. I may think it made for a spectacularly shitty and pointless story, but just saying, few people know how much shit Xavier is full of better than Mystique does). 

So we’ve been treated to scenes of Raven brooding deep in her underground Krakoan lair over a glance of wine and an angsty look at Irene’s old mask, vowing “I’ll get you yet, Xavier, and your little dog too,” because idk, why pass up a good Wicked Witch of the West allusion when its right there. Mystique works hard for her Brand, let her enjoy it.

She definitely knows the game that’s afoot, and she has no intention of letting Xavier get away with it. So she’s very clearly scheming on how to circumvent him and get the Five to resurrect Irene without Xavier’s help....but that’s easier said than done. She either needs leverage to force his hand, while still probably not knowing for sure WHY he’s stalling or trying to avoid bringing back Irene, and thus having no way to judge exactly HOW deadset against it he is, and thus how great of leverage she’d actually need to pull that off...or else, she needs a telepath she can trust (or y’know, trust that she has them securely in her pocket) but who also is strong enough to take Xavier’s place in the resurrection/brain download process....as well as needing access to the Cerebro archives where the back-ups of everyone’s consciousnesses are stored. 

(Incidentally, part of how Xavier’s been stalling here is he’s claimed once or twice that he only has back-ups stored of mutant consciousnesses from the point when he started actually preserving them, and Irene died BEFORE he started doing this so he just doesn’t have her in Cerebro, but this is pretty blatantly a lie. He brought back Petra and Sway, after all, and they very definitively died LONG before David killed Irene on Muir Island back in the day).

But yeah, I’m as impatient as anyone to see Irene back in action in all her chaotic cryptic glory, and for Raven/Irene to finally fucking rise the way they deserve. And oh holy hell is Raven’s wrath going to be an absofuckinglutely beautiful thing once she finally has her proof that Xavier - her ex-husband, lol, oh X-Men soap opera tangles - has been lying and scheming to keep her wife dead all this time. Like she’s literally said the words “I will burn Krakoa to the ground,” and I mean, its Raven. When she talks about razing Rome to ashes, she’s not joking. The woman does not bluff. She lies, she deceives, she steals, but she never ever fucking bluffs. There’s a big storm coming here and this particular one’s name is Hurricane Raven, not Ororo Munroe. I want it, and I want it nooooooooooow, lol, but I can’t actually claim that this has been overlooked by Marvel rather than just allotted a time table that isn’t to my liking because - 

OH I DON’T KNOW ITS NOT LIKE WE HAVEN’T ALREADY BEEN WAITING FOR THE RETURN OF IRENE ADLER FOR 84 BAJILLION FUCKING YEARS ALREADY, LIKE LOGAN HAS LITERALLY GONE TO HELL AND BACK A DOZEN TIMES SINCE IRENE FIRST EXITED PURSUED BY BEAR AND JEAN’S ASCENDED AND DE-PHOENIXED SO MANY TIMES DEATH HAS BASICALLY HANDED HER A PUNCH CARD THAT’S REDEEMABLE FOR ONE FREE RESURRECTION AFTER ITS ALL FULL AND C’MOOOOOOON. 

I mean.

WILDSIDE is back. After dying in Neverland in Tieri’s Weapon X run, RICHARD FREAKING GILL was brought back to life before IRENE FUCKING ADLER, I would simply like to express my undying HOOOOOOWWWWW??? to that. 

BUT.

I.

DIGRESS.

Ahem. Sorry, I just have very strong opinions on the subject of Irene, lololol. And well, everything. I probably have strong opinions on kumquats and I can’t actually recall at the moment if I’ve ever even eaten one or if I’m just particularly fond of that word and the saying of it. Look, you get what I mean.

Anyway, yeah. We’re getting Irene back eventually. There’s absolutely no way we’re not at this point. Even my cynicism can’t pretend otherwise. They haven’t just left Chekhov’s gun locked and loaded sitting on the mantlepiece here, they commissioned an entire arsenal of Chekhov’s guns and renamed them Irene Adler’s guns in her honor and left them all gift-wrapped on the front porch. Its coming. Its just not. Here YET. (Cut to me being a five year old on a long car ride are we there yet are we there yet are we there yet how bout now - )

So yeah. That’s the scoop, the skinny, the shit(ake mushroom) on this particular subject.

Incidentally, on a related note, I am still of the opinion that pretty much all of Powers of X was one giant red herring, and the real direction all of this is building towards, with Moira, with the Five and the resurrection protocols.......ultimately, I think its all really been about IRENE’S machinations from the start, and Moira and Charles have actually been marching to the beat of HER drum ever since the very first time Irene and Moira encountered each other way back in Moira’s fourth lifetime.

Basically, I think it allllllllll really comes back to the fact that....

Irene Adler is a beautiful fucking liar who lies as only Raven Darkholme’s One True Love possibly can, and she played Moira like a fiddle from Day Fucking ONE.

Full theory on that can be found here:

https://bigskydreaming.tumblr.com/post/188290623176/so-house-of-x-2plot-hole-or-lie-when-destiny

[xxgoblin-dumplingxx]

Perspective: Ten

Bruce stared blankly at the screen at the front of the room. This meeting had gone on forever and he felt like his brain had started to liquefy. Steve and Tony were taking turns droning on and he was ready to strangle Clint if the archer didn’t stop asking inane questions. 

He caught Natasha’s eye and the spy rolled her eyes dramatically before turning to flip a rubber band at Clint. Bruce knew that it wasn’t just the staff meeting. He missed you. He’d gotten used to being around you all the time but, now that you were drowning in work, it felt like ages since he’d done more than text you. 

It worried him, if he was honest. It didn’t take him long to learn that you dealt with all your trauma by not dealing with it. You buried it all in distractions and ignored all the warning lights. That was your superpower. Compartmentalizing at the speed of sound.  

When his phone buzzed quietly, he tapped the screen and smirked to himself. You’d sent him a picture. A screenshot of a tweet, apparently

“Christ,” he murmured, chuckling to himself. “Bruce, look at Nudes on your own time,” Tony said, sipping coffee. “It’s not, it’s a tweet,” Bruce protested. “Speaking of nudes,” Natasha says, pouncing on the opportunity to derail the meeting, “When are we gonna meet this girl, Banner?”

“Tony has met her,” Bruce reminded. “Yeah,” Clint said, “But I wanna meet her. I wanna know what she’d diagnose me with.” Bruce sighed, “If it’ll get this meeting over with I’ll text her and see if she can come out tonight for a minute but... It’s getting up on the end of term.” Tony winced, “Yeah, I don’t miss those days.” Bruce sighed, “Yeah. She’s worn the fuck out by the time she gets home.”

He pulls out his phone anyway and pulls up his text conversation with you.

Hey, baby?

It takes a few minutes but you text him back.

Hey handsome! You okay?

Fine, sweetheart. Everythings fine. Do you have time to go out tonight? Everyone really wants to meet you.

Bruce is dimly aware of the meeting flowing around him. He can see you smiling a little and his heart warms.

Just as long as no one minds if I’m scruffy looking. And on call.

Bruce smiles. He doesn’t care if you're “scruffy” or on call. As long as he can see you on more than a video chat. 

No one is going to mind, Y/N. We’ve all seen bad days.

Then I’ll be there. I miss you.

I miss you too, baby.

Gotta go. Class.

___________

When you walked into the bar, you looked like you’d had a day. Your jeans were torn and your hoodie was old. Clearly at some point during the day, you’d had a change of clothes. Usually your work clothes were neat. Professional. As a general rule, you avoided looking scruffy at all when you went out in public if you could. Still though. You were cute. 

You leaned on the bar, hefting your backpack up on your shoulder a little more firmly and ordering a drink and he made his way to your side unobtrusively, “Come here often?” he said, voice warm. You turned, irritated for just a second until you realized it was Bruce. He caught you, chuckling as your lips crashed into his and your arms twined around his neck. When you pulled away he smiled softly, “Long day?” he asked. You nod, “Two changes of clothes later and one client trying to walk all the way the fuck to Jersey, I’m free.” He cuddles you gently and kisses you again, telling the bartender to put your drink on his tab. “Bruce,” you scold gently. He just smiles, “What? I can afford it. It’s just a couple drinks.” You give him a look and he kisses your forehead. He knows you don’t like it when he pays for things for you. He likes that you don’t ask him for things. But he adores doing things for you. “Thank you,” you say, kissing his jaw. He pulls your hair out and takes your backpack to set it at your feet. It’s heavy and he almost drops it. “Sorry,” you tell him, “I usually pack up in the morning and don’t get home until 9 or after.” Bruce just kisses your head and starts the introductions. 

Nat watches you curiously for a moment. Steve asks a ton of questions and Tony, being Tony, grills you for information about things like whether or not Bruce snores. When your work phone rings you sigh, “Hold that thought. The Panicky rookies beckon,” you tell them. You pick up the phone and attach headphones so you can listen and also look things up, “Y/N,” you say. 

Bruce can tell just from the look on your face that this is probably something you’ve answered before. “Of course she has pain. She has COPD and smokes a pack and a half of cigarettes a day,” you say. “No. DO NOT. Absofuckinglutely not. Do not give her the money to buy more.” You pinch the bridge of your nose, “Look. We go through this several times a week. Her blood pressure is better than mine. She’s just mad that the doctor she saw at the urgent care told her to stop smoking. Tell her that if she can walk to the ER she does not need to be there. Also remind her that her blood pressure is GOING to be high if she makes you take it when she comes in from chain-smoking... Okay. Yes. That’s fine. She can take her anxiety PRN in the next hour. Encourage her to do that and lay down. Yup. Okay. Make sure you put all this in the shift report for Dr. Meyers. Bye.”

You hang up the phone and your cheeks color, “Sorry, I’m our on-call until 4am.” Clint snorted, “So basically you’re babysitting over the phone?” You nod, “That’s a pretty accurate assessment,” you tell them. Steve smiles a little, “How long have you been doing jobs like this?” he asked. You shrug, “Since I was 21 so... about 6 years now. My first job was as a tech in a dementia ward.” Bruce smiles a little, “So a lack of orientation to reality is your specialty?” You shrug, “I’m just familiar with it... You just gotta go with it. If a dementia patient tells you the sky is green, you tell them it’s a lovely shade, isn’t it? If they ask to talk to their mom whose been dead 50 years, you distract them. If you can’t, put them on the phone with a nurse who has the best mom voice.” Natasha smiles a little as she watches you take a sip of your drink. “Why’d you stop working in the dementia ward?” Tony asked. 

“Because my dumb ass thought that working with kids would be less heartbreaking... So I did that for a while,” you say. Clint winces, “Yeah... Kids suck.” You laugh, “No joke. I still have a scar on my ribs from getting stabbed with a hunk of metal door.” Steve choked and Tony thumped him on the back, “Seriously?” he sputtered. You nod. “Is it a full moon?” you ask Bruce idly, snuggling into his side. “Yes,” Natasha answered.

“Fuck me running,” you groan and sigh. “Why?” Bruce asked. “It’s a pretty good metric for how many calls I’m gonna get,” you answer. Tony scoffed, “That’s an old wives tale.”

“I’m gonna get a minimum of 4 calls and 3 text messages,” you shoot back, “On the TL ward we have 4 schizophrenics, 2 with BPD, and various and sundry other disorders. At least one that’s in the early stages of Alzheimer's... I’m gonna get calls. And that’s not to mention my client in the community.” Clint whistled softly, “Jesus. How do you organize all that?” 

“Luck,” you answer smirking, “Luck and postie notes.”

Bruce gently redirects the conversation, for which you’re grateful. You’re used to the endless questions. People treat your job like a super-secret thing. Like they’re getting insider information. People don’t understand what you do. Or why you do it. You guess even superheroes get curious. Bruce's fingers find the sore spot on the back of your neck and you relax against him. It had been a long day and you want to go home and go to bed. But, until 4am, you have to stay awake. You know technically you can sleep on call but you also know that if you sleep, you’ll sleep right through the phone calls. You listen to the chatter, comforted by the warmth of being tucked into Bruce’s side. Listening to the rumble of his voice. He’s happy. You can tell. And that makes you happy.

He deserves it. You look up at him adoringly and even Tony feels himself melt a little. When Bruce looks down at you and kisses you softly Clint “Aww’s” out loud and you blush. “Grotesquely cute,” Tony mutters, making Natasha and Steve both smack him. Bruce brushes hair out of your eyes, “I better get you home, huh?” he said. “I’m okay if you want to stay,” you say yawning, “I have to be on call until 4am anyway.” He smiled, “Can you stay awake that long?” he asked. “Yeah. It’s just gonna take coffee.”

He tutted softly and picked up your bag, “Well,” she said, “You have a coffee maker at home. Let’s go.”

Tags: @lancsnerd​ @stevieang​ @golddaggers​ @blameitonthecauseway​ @qxeen-of-hearts​ @process-pending​ @xmarveled​ @beautybyfire, @etherealwaifgoddess, @mschellehitt, @mistressoftorture @thorfanficwriter, @straightforwardly, @hello-im-bi, @ctinadiva

[theexistentiallyqueer]

Sorry to bother, but where do autistic and adhd brains overlap? Because both are neurodivergent (and beautiful, I agree) But how can I find out which behaviour belongs more to me being autistic (got diagnosed this year) and which is adhd? (No Matter What Deadline, after several years in hostile environment (failed university, then call center work) I panic. Hard.) How do I disentangle adhd and autism to find out what strategies to use to function better?

Please don’t feel like you’re being a bother, because you’re not! Honestly the fact that someone is coming to me to ask ADHD questions makes me teary-eyed, because I’ve fought so hard to learn to function with ADHD that people Asking Me Things like I’m a trusted expert just makes my heart grow three sizes, the opposite of the Grinch.

I’m probably not the best person to ask about how ADHD and autism overlap specifically, especially if you’re taking this from an autistic POV. And I’m also not a behavioral expert, which is a very strong preface. But I can (and am very happy to) talk a bit about my experiences with ADHD and how I’ve learned to make things work for my brain.

I’m going to put this under a cut, if that’s okay with you, anon. It got kind of long and I don’t want to overrun anyone’s dash. And you can always, always ask me ADHD questions, and I’ll try my best to answer.

My ADHD tends to manifest specifically in the following ways:

Extreme hyperfixation that has its own varying degrees (e.g., I’m really into Fire Emblem: Three Houses, but I have so lack of interest in Byleth/Claude that my lack of interest feels like an actual void)

An inability to process feelings regarding things other people care strongly about that I don’t. If we’re using the same fandom example: I could rant forever about how Byleth/Edelgard gives me ALL THE FEELS, but if I friend I care about started to talk about Byleth/Claude, I would immediately lose all interest in the conversation and struggle to react in a way that doesn’t present me as a selfish monster who doesn’t care about the person I’m talking to.

I tend to monopolize conversation if I’m given the opportunity because I LOVE getting the chance to talk about my hyperfixations. If someone cuts me off when I’m really into a topic, I get incredibly irritated and have to try to restrain from myself from acting petty in response. The number of times I have smiled my mouth is a knife and said, “ANYWAY, as I WAS SAYING…” is beyond count.

I don’t recognize or remember people until I have something meaningful to associate them with. I also don’t tend to notice things that don’t clock themselves as Important in my brain. I usually describe this as “background furniture.” Even PEOPLE become background furniture. A girl I work with mentioned a person on her team had quit, and I’d literally walked by that person’s desk earlier that day and didn’t notice it was empty, because that person and the entire space they occupied was background scenery.

If something affects or touches me personally, it hits me Very Personally. I had a complete fucking breakdown watching the video of Philando Castille’s shooting, because I heard his daughter crying while she watched him getting shot and went down onto a spiral of personal loss over my own father to gun violence and started to immediately correlate the two. Separating ADHD brainness from my  whiteness is complex and hard and (said sarcastically) so, so much fun.

The direct inverse of that are things like: I’m talking to my mom, who’s telling me about a high school friend of hers just got into a horrific vehicle accident and is in the ICU. My mom then goes on to give me regular status updates on this woman I don’t know. I get out of work, and she talks about this woman’s surgery. I get out of work, and she talks about this woman’s family’s attempt to find an adequate rehab center. They find a rehab center, and my mom shows me how her friend decorated her daughter’s room. My mom shows me a video of the girl working with a physical therapist, who gets her to push herself upright with a walker and take her tentative steps. “Awesome!” my brain thinks. “Great!” my brain thinks. All of it spans over several days, weeks, months. I have nothing to do with this constant influx of information. I don’t know how my brain should file it. I don’t know this woman who was injured. I feel for her in theory because no one should ever have to go through that even though so many people do, but I haven’t ACTIVELY PRETEND like I personally am invested in the situation or else my mother gives me Concerned Eyes because I seem to be In A Bad Mood Today.

When it comes to organization, I tend to lean towards hyper-organization rather than hypo-organization. By which I mean I over-organize to combat the fact that ADHD often results in disorganization, and disorganization results in chaos, and chaos gives me COMPLETE PANIC ATTACKS. At work at one point, I had my emails auto-tagging every incoming email based on the email type, on top of tagging for my clients. Every label had a different color, and it all made sense to me, because I’d made it. When my team had cover my stuff on a day I was out, my inbox was such a horror show that it left them feeling drained and distressed.

Let’s talk about socialization! I have a rocky relationship with my childhood best friend. When I discovered social justice in college, I started picking fights with everyone over everything Problematique. The first major fight I had with my best friend at the time was because she felt I was over-aggressive towards a mutual male friend of ours. She was probably right, because I know the kind of bullying behavior I later developed. I thought I learned from it. After the 2016 election, I messaged her on FB, thinking I had a sympathetic ear, to say that seeing her mother post constant messages of support for Trump and sharing stuff dismissing Trump’s sexual assault allegations was particularly hurtful considering I’d told my friend that my mom had been sexually assaulted.. I’m not going to share what she said, but she wasn’t in the wrong. We didn’t talk for several months after that.

Speaking of her! When she started dating the guy she’s now married to, at one point I asked her if they’d had sex yet. I asked it because I thought it was a thing you were Supposed To Talk About as friends, and also because I was, in a way, morbidly curious, because I’m grey-ace and queer. She confirmed that they had, but I still felt so icky and uncomfortable about that for so long afterwards. It was only after I started to understand that I’m not cis and not allo that I really understood why: I was forcing myself to perform what I thought female friendship was based on how it’s portrayed in media, and it’s only once I began to understand that I’m on the ace spectrum and that I’m nonbinary that I really started to understand how forced mainstream conversations of attraction are.

I’m loud! I’m loud! I’m loud! I’m loud all the time! I live with my mom and I socialize with my mom and when we’re in public spaces and I’m talking about something that interests me, she always, always, always feels like she has to shush me. What makes it ironic? If there are other people being loud around me, I can’t function. I can’t process the noise. It’s EVEN WORSE if they’re speaking in another language, because if it’s English I can process the words at least, but if it’s another language, it’s just pure, inescapable sound that I know has meaning but can’t intuit, and if I can’t understand something, that’s as bad as dying.

From what I’ve read about autism, here are ways I THINK my ADHD traits overlap with autistic traits:

I can’t read facial expressions. I think I have a better concept of emotional nuance in facial expressions than someone who’s strictly autistic, but I’ll still panic when I see a smile that isn’t bland enough. RDS (rejection-sensitive dysphoria) will kick in. They hate me, they hate me, they hate me, is the track my brain will play on repeat until I’ve drunk myself into oblivion. Whenever someone smiles, I mistrust it immediately.

Eye contact is incredibly fucking frustrating. I understand that it’s expected, but it’s SO UNCOMFORTABLE. Why do we need to stare into each other’s eyes to understand one another? How can you people write whole treatises on the sanctity of locking gazes and finding an instant intellectual bond without realizing that eye contact that’s not called for is personally invasive?

I can’t understand flirting vs not flirting to the point that I’m absolutely paranoid someone is flirting with me, at which point I usually become hostile if I think they ARE, because DON’T FLIRT WITH ME. TALK to me!

I hate, hate, hate unsolicited physical contact. If I’m in a state of over-expression, I hate it even more. I’m not physically withdrawn, because I love hugs, and cuddles, and human touch. But when I’ve spent the entire day listening to other people talk and I have to walk into a room where people continue to talk, if someone touches me, it’s fucking No-Oh-One.

Someone is interested in a thing I’m interested in. We’ll use Persona 5 as the concept, because this honestly happened recently. I talk with the guy whose desk is across from mine about Persona 5 all the time. He’s also excited about Royal. I started going into my Sophia theory that I’ve really only lobbied at @softspokensansa. I could see, I could viscerally see, the interest drain from his expression. BUT I HAVE AN IDEA SO I WILL TALK ABOUT IT ANYWAY, and then afterwards I felt incredibly resentful that I was being filtered through a cookie-cutter drain.

It’s painful–it’s really painful!–to try to talk about my spiritual ideas with other people. I have a side blog I just started and am preppy myself to share, and I’m absofuckinglutely TERRIFIED everyone is going to write me off without looking at what I have to say. IT’S THE RSD AGAIN! Nothing I ever said has actually mattered before, so why should it now?

I feel, constantly, like I’m halfway between a point of reality and a point of something. What that something is is indefinable, but regardless of it, I exist.

I’d like to direct you to two very positive youtubers I know; I meant to do this earlier, but now feels right in terms of how I’ve written: How To ADHD and Amethyst Schaber.I credit both of them in helping me find a safe place with ADHD before diagnosis. There are stories other than yours that matter.

I wish you the best, anon! If you think you’re autistic and ADHD: given the comorbidity between the two, you probably are! And ADHD is just as beautiful, complicated, and misunderstood as autism is.

If anyone reading this can speak to living as both autistic and ADHD, please respond so I can lift your voice. And to my anon: you’re beautiful completely. I hope my story has helped you in its anyway, and I hope that you find yourself at a place of peace. It’s a struggle to get there, but it’s worth it, every step of the way.

[garnetsandclovers-blog]

Journey to the Center of Me - Confessions from a Modern Age Witch

Confessions from the Modern Age Witch

Rowan Leigh Cole

  Journey to the Center of Me

 Disclaimer:

- This contains themes of self-harm, drug use, family/home abuse, and mental illness -

 I sit with my feet propped and my laptop on my lap, Stranger Things sits paused on my TV as I finish my meditation searching through my negative thoughts and relishing the fear that I have. Kali taught me that. I remind myself that if I ever want to get to a point so that I may get this beautifully divine and wonderful being, emblazoned permanently onto this current vessel, made from the same magick and stars that inhabit it, I better keep on keeping on. And I do, not only because I think it would be a dank ass tattoo but also because I want to do this in a respectful way to my Goddess, who I truly love and behold in awe of all her forms. Truly there is something fascinating about the sheer perfection of chaos, whirling and thriving, while violently ripping apart your expectations, limitations, and outdated, dusty ass beliefs. Pure, unadultered magick in my opinion. Not only is the act in honor of her but also an honor I pay to myself.

As someone who used to self-harm and enjoyed pain, I truly had a hard time not finding ways to keep committing the act consciously or subconsciously in other ways for years afterward. I’m talking about the way I look at myself, the way I talked, felt, and held myself. The way I touched my body as if it was this thing that was secreting in my hands or avoided mirrors because I hated seeing that the face in the mirror was not my own and the eyes that looked back at me were screaming for help. How I fed myself poorly with more than just my food, but with my surroundings and the media and information I consumed. My fear of society stereotyping me after a friend said to another in front of me, self-harm is just for attention made me stop, but the fear of myself going unpunished for the guilt of my actions is what made me find other ways. Subtle ways, so unnoticeable that I didn’t realize how run ragged I was by my destructive lifestyle until I sat blazing high on my first ever acid trip, truly, once and for all, noticing, acknowledging, and accepting how much I hated myself. My fear had got me to a point so low I saw nothing else; I was totally empty of everything thing but the how. How did someone who I loved so much not 4 years ago, become this being I didn’t recognize and couldn’t stand to share the name with. Why did I let this happen?

Tripping is special to me. It’s alchemy, it’s magick, and I use it for spiritual purpose. I’m not encouraging or deterring you from any act because that is all your own and I bear no responsibility to what you, a stranger on the internet, may do, I am sharing my personal experience, thoughts, and uses. While tripping, my mind is open and I am free to see what is really there because I can see everything, and we are talking my soul was amongst space. Each essence or part of my being was connected to energy that was connected to different chakras, kind of everything, everything that was real to me was visible. All I saw was pure energy at this point of low, which as I now come to realize is love. When I am empty of everything and have nothing but existence I am love. I, like every other creation on this planet that exists, am created with love from some origin. Love of craft, love of an idea, love of a state of being, all of it is still love. The only thing that separate, categorizes, labels, or hurts us is fear and how we let it affect us.

I was born a wild woman, running through Native Indian pow-wows up and down the East coast and learning through my run-ins with the various people I ran into and the scraped knees from falling hard and fast. It’s an experience I am grateful for because I know in my bones having the childhood I did is what helped me maintain my roots through all the years of societal bullshit that creating a coping mechanism of a personality that contorted whenever confronted with something uncomfortable. After fleeing a family that was doing more harm than good and joining the ‘normal world’ I felt utterly caged as a five year old and dampened by the fact, this is how things are for everyone and this is the mold I’m going to grow up into and what I will have to contribute to as an adult. I was angry with the world I thought my mother, father, or whoever was in the forefront of my mind had created and it was their fault I was living the life I had and was experiencing my pain, I didn’t understand at the time why I dealt still with an abusive home life that only led to me fuelling my passions with my want to stay away from home and stay away from the poison I felt I had no business in.

Looking at my life through the lense of everything I realized how all these things made me. I believe 1000% that every person can achieve this unattached view of themselves without the help of a substance, I could not. I couldn’t even get deep enough into my own being to feel what a feeling was, it was something generated out of my mind as something I thought I should feel in a reaction to whatever may happen. I doubted my body and was terrified of how I may unwittedly hurt myself because of the years I mindlessly tormented my body without thinking that the being I wanted to be was inside. Love and fear are what brought me back and allowed me to see where there is more to do.

Over time after this experience and looking deeper into what it means to be a human and alive on this planet, to me, right now, I found fear was my guide of things to follow. If it scares me or makes me uncomfortable there’s healing, there or some want that’s not being fully expressed because of that frightening storm cloud. After 2 years of practicing and pattern demolishing and self-reinvention I found on the other side of that cloud is a piece of me waiting to be realized and noticed in a different way. Accepting my fear and asking it why and what it had to offer has proven to be my strongest source of self-love.

 I am a witch with nothing more but the intention of sharing my experience, my voice, and my wisdom with others who seek it in it’s raw form. I live my practice, my body is my temple and my home that I hold sacred and my mind is a master creator inventing the world around me as I live it. In a society where captivity is ever present, the only way I feel we will sustain is if we let the wild in. If not, we may just kill ourselves running from the things that make us alive and hiding from our unimageable untapped potential.

Every week I will compile my thoughts, feelings, and actions here, along with recipes I use, meditations I practice, and the general healing I incorporate into my life so you may be invited to seek your own in the unique vibration that is you.

I offer these pages to use as a source of reference whenever you ask ‘is this just me?’ because I’m here to tell you; absofuckinglutely not! You’re backed by thousands of years of knowledge, experience, and lessons that’s embedded in the very bones and ground that supports you. May you find inspiration, ideas, and perspective in these pages to help you along your path, traveller.

 We are everywhere. Blessed be.

[villa-kulla]

.

so I kind of got indirectly involved in a domestic violence incident last night where the neighbour who lives on the first floor went on a rampage looking for his wife and stormed up to my floor (I live in a sixplex), convinced his wife was hiding in her friend’s apt who lives right across the hall from me (I’ll call across-the-hall neighbour A). There’s my apt and A’s apt on that floor, and between us is a small hall/interior stairwell which is where he was. He started yelling and threatening his wife, raging one minute and trying to coax her out the next. I knew no one was home across the hall but he didn’t, so it was just us on that floor. I couldn’t get to my phone in the other room because he was in my hall and would have heard me (very thin walls) and I didn’t want him to think I was home. He was definitely high or drunk or both. Finally he left and I went and got my phone and grabbed a hammer just in case. I figured it was all over, but still wanted to stay alert in case. Then I happen to glance out my back window and see A holding her baby and this maniac’s baby, and she’s sneaking out through the backyard. I don’t know where she was, but she was definitely tipped off to the situation, because she wasn’t at home. I’m about to call the cops because this is clearly more than just him losing his temper. But then he comes BARRELLING back up the stairs, convinced his wife is in A’s apt, threatens to kill her, and yells he’s going to kick A’s door down, and ACTUALLY KICKS HER DOOR DOWN. He absolutely splintered it, got in, and then seeing no one was home, freaks and comes back out and STARTS TRYING TO KICK DOWN MY DOOR TOO. at which point I yell ‘FUCK OFF OR I’M CALLING THE COPS’ through the door and he seemed to remember himself and left. The only reason I hadn’t called them at this point yet was because I was scared he’d hear me do it (again, thin walls) and try to come in and stop me, because this guy was absolutely out of his mind

i take not even two minutes to grab a coat, keys, phone charger, lock up my cat, get sneakers on, and am literally about to climb down the fire escape to run across the park out back and call the cops from my gym right around the corner. But I decided to look out the front window first and saw cop cars already pulling up, and it was all over. They talked to everyone, but I didn’t relax until i saw them actually handcuff this guy and put him the cop car

anyways, everyone involved is okay and no one got hurt, and I found out today he’s not allowed back on the premises without a police escort so I’m guessing his wife (and the girl across from me whose door got shattered) actually pressed charges, thank god. This summary does not take into account the sheer fight-or-flight-or-freeze I was going through being the only other one on that floor with this maniac who’s kicking down the door right outside my apt, or how long 5 minutes feels when you have a phone in one hand and a hammer in the other and are considering a million different options (“if I sneak out down the fire escape now, what if he breaks in to my place and hurts my cat?” or “If I move will he hear me and try to come in here next?” or “if he hears me call the cops now will he come after me later for being a snitch?” aka all scenarios that lead to him trying to break into my apartment which he did anyways until I yelled at him, so when in doubt I guess a simple ‘fuck off or I’m calling the cops’ is effective enough??). Anyways in the meantime I have lovely parents who came to get me because I was not staying there overnight on the offchance the police released him early, and am absofuckinglutely getting my front door reinforced while the girl across the hall gets hers completely replaced.

I’ve lived in this apartment cumulatively for about 5 years, and so has that guy for that matter, and nothing even remotely like this has ever happened in my building. So here’s hoping it never happens again I guess because jesus. I sometimes forget how sheltered I am, or how gently I was brought up, because it’s just crazy to me that this is just daily life for so many people. I guess it’s good to know though that I have at least functional instincts in such a situation, and that I also apparently have the wherewithal to go get a hammer with every intent to use it and be someone who cusses out madmen. Not that I want to make a habit of it because jesus christ. it probably only took five minutes for the shaking to stop after but it felt like hours.

So that was my night, and again I am fine but oh my god. how are you also I hope you have better neighbours than me

[melancholy--rose]

I need to address this

Okay. So I need to address the whole Demi Lovato situation that's going on right now since the pure ignorance of everything is pissing me the fuck off.

UNLESS YOU'VE BEEN A MOTHERFUCKING ADDICT OR HAVE HAD A LOVED ONE WHO IS/WAS AN ADDICT YOU DONT KNOW THE FUCKING STRUGGLE IT IS TO PULL YOURSELF OUT OF IT.

I say this with the upmost urgency to the people who think they know what goes on in an addict's mind.

Just so you know where I'm coming from and y'all can have your own opinions on this: I've been addicted to self harm since I was 11 years old. Yes, you read that right, 11 years old. I was in fifth grade. I didn't even know what it was called until I was a teenager. It is a real addiction when you think about it as your last resort; the one thing that can stop the chaos in your mind and soul for even just a few minutes. I became an alcoholic at 15 to try and take all the pain away and it took me a year and a half to get out of it, yet I found cigarettes and self harm (still) to cope where the alcohol was numbing. Do I still have a drink every now and again? Absofuckinglutely. But I don't let that substance control my life anymore. I still think about slipping, and although I am almost one year clean, I've fucked up a couple times over the last 5 years. I still crave it. I still want to sometimes. But like Demi, I've been trying to better myself and love myself for the person I am today.

NOW BACK TO DEMI: She opened up about her struggles with addiction, her eating disorder, her mental illnesses, etc. That was her choice and I'm sure it was hard on her. She said she was 6 years clean from drugs until as of recent, she had an apparent overdose to what they believe is heroine. Addicts do have slip ups. They do still think about the feeling it gives them to actually cave and do what they used to hide the pain for many years. There's probably an explanation as to why she caved, but that's none of our fucking business.

I'm not joking when I say that immediately the memes started coming up on my motherfucking news feed about her, that shes an addict she did this to herself, pictures of her with needles and so on and so forth. Are you fucking kidding me people? You have nothing better to do than to make memes about someone else's struggle? Honestly? Its sickening to me the ignorance of people and how they can judge someone based on their fuck ups. If we judged every person on their fuck ups we would never speak to one another. We all fuck up one way or another so get your head out of your ass and dont be the pot calling the kettle black. As I have mentioned before, unless you've been through it yourself or have been through it with someone close to you, you will never and I mean NEVER understand the struggle it is to pull yourself out of rock bottom.

Empathy is needed here. We are all so quick to judge someone based on their actions that hurt themselves and the people closest to them without even asking the simple questions: why did she slip? What caused her to do this again? What can she do now to get back up on her feet and continue on? It's not making it socially acceptable to be a drug addict because everyone in their right mind knows that drugs are bad and ruin people's lives. It's common sense, we've all known that since we were young. Its showing that we understand to an extent of what they are going through and being there to support that person through whatever struggle they are dealing with. Demi Lovato has done a lot to bring awareness to mental health and the damaging effect that drugs can bring, and this set back is only going to make her stronger. I believe that whole heartedly. But to be so fucking ignorant that you have to say things like she did this to herself and that no one should feel bad for her is your problem. You dont have to feel bad for her and you can have your opinion all you want. But at the end of the day, she and anyone else who is an addict needs all the support they can get. And if you're so ignorant and selfish not to give it to them because you think that they need to suck it up and deal with it themselves, you are what's wrong with the addiction world.

Addiction is a powerful thing that changes the way your brain works. It changes the way you think about things and when you get away from it, you have to find ways to cope without the substance to help you. You have to find yourself again and keep on walking forward. It someone were to sit down and actually have a conversation with someone who has been an addict, then they would see there's many more complex things about it. It's not just wanting to do drugs, wanting to drink, wanting to cut yourself, wanting to eat your feelings away. It's a horrible coping mechanism that takes months, even years, to undo.

So if you dont feel bad, then fine you dont feel bad. But dont make stupid ass memes to try and show your balls to your friends. Dont even think about the situation because all you're doing is making yourself look like a fucking idiot. If you dont care, then dont motherfucking comment. Go on about your life. Us on the other hand? We will be there to support her and her family through this difficult time. Because that's what people with real hearts do. They try to make sure everyone is okay before they decide to work on themselves.

I hope some of you look at this and realize it's an actual disease where people are addicted to, some of the time, crazy ass drugs, you'll find it in your soul to figure out how this all happened and honestly what to watch for.

My name is Skylashia and I stand with Demi Lovato.

[embracetheapocalypsewithme]

Cursed Land, Part 3: The Call of the Void

This is part 3 of @ladylorelitanyfanfiction‘s Monster Mash Challenge! I’m thinking that Part 4 will finish off the tale. :)

Part 1: The Black Box

Part 2: September

Part 4: The Abyss

Summary: The entries continue and so do the revelations about Negan’s time in Falling Creek. Alan reveals more about what he fears and the sinister writing in Negan’s journal.

Word Count: 2,786

Warnings: Language, horror, paranormal shit, and death.

Part 3: The Call of the Void

Rebecca looked up from the pages of the October 1st entry, her gaze re-focusing in the dim light of the lamp by which she read. She could feel the sting of tears in her eyes, though she knew they were not tears of sadness. It was fear that she was gripped by as she leaned away from the notebook; some kind of primal, inexpressible fear which caused her eyes to well up and her stomach to turn.

Her gaze floated to the edge of the forest that ended several feet from the Sanctuary’s protective fence. She imagined being in Falling Creek with Negan and his first group of survivors, with the trees encircling their only haven from the horrors that were taking place on the streets of every city and town . Keeping one another safe as the dead rose and began to consume the world. A pool of light and hope in a vast pit of darkness.

A Sanctuary.

The weeds will always take it back, she thought, and the impulse to whistle gripped her suddenly. Not only to whistle but to allow it to linger, drifting into the night in a long, solid note like a tea kettle left on a burner. The feeling gripped her in the same way that the urge to jump from a height might grip someone who has climbed to the top of a building.

“The Call of the Void.”

The urge to self-destruct. To injure or kill oneself, even when one doesn’t feel the least suicidal. That little piece of your brain that whispers, “Jump!” in your ear and terrifies you with its strength. The feeling of having to wrestle for control of your own body in defiance of The Void.

A manic giggle escaped Rebecca’s throat and she slapped a hand over her mouth, eyes wide and startled.

She wouldn’t whistle.

Her eyes slowly descended back to the notebook in front of her. As they did, a flash of movement caught her attention in the trees and her eyes darted, searching for whatever she had seen. But there was nothing there, save for the trees, which were still and silent.

Shaking her head as if to clear away the confusion she felt, she continued to read.

October 3

It is absofuckinglutely piss pouring rain at the moment. I guess that’s not so bad. The last fucking thing we need is a fucking forest fire to come along and displace us. I can think of a million things that I’d rather do than spend a night in those woods…

Things have been quiet around here since Gail got back. No creepy whistling girls. No vague ghost stories from Alan. Everyone’s been really fucking quiet. Maybe a little too quiet? No one seems to talk anymore. Most of the time we just sit in our rooms alone…Eat alone…Drink alone…

It kind of feels like the world is holding its breath.

At least Gail found some fucking food while she was out in the woods. We’ve been eating pretty well since she got back. I think she said that it’s wild boar. Pretty fucking badass of her to kill a fucking boar for us! Makes a guy feel loved…

Dead fuck sightings: 0 (but I can still smell them most of the time)

October 6

Gail’s been acting kind of strange. In fact, really fucking strange. She hardly talks to anyone anymore. Not even Max or David, and they’ve known one another for a long-ass time. She used to be so friendly and open when I met her, but now she just sleeps a lot or spends all of her time walking alone in the woods.

I can’t necessarily blame her. We’ve all been through some stressful times and have seen some shit. Sometimes you just go on auto-pilot until you’re safe and then the stress catches up with you. And the depression smacks your ass down into the dirt.

We all go back to the dirt in the end, don’t we? Figuratively and metaphorically speaking.

I don’t know if I should try to talk to her about it, or fucking what. I suck at other people’s feelings almost as much as I suck at dealing with my own shit. Maybe I should just let it go and see what happens.

I just don’t want her going off the deep end and doing something really bad.

Dead fuck sightings: 0

Found scrawled on the back of the previous entry in a nearly illegible scratch:

You’re right. It all ends in the dirt.

You will all end in the dirt.

Fall down. Fall down. Fall down. Fall down. All down. Fall down. Fall down. Fall down. Fall down. Fall down. Fall down. Fall down. Fall down. Fall down. Fall down. Fall down. Fall down. Fall down. Fall down. Fall down. Fall down. Fall down. Fall down. Fall down. Fall down. Fall down. Fall down. Fall down. Fall down. Fall down. Fall down. Fall down. Fall down. Fall down. Fall down. Fall down. Fall down. Fall down. Fall down. Fall down. Fall down. Fall down. Fall down. Fall down. Fall down. Fall down. Fall down. Fall down. Fall down. Fall down. Fall down. Fall down. Fall down. Fall down. Fall down. Fall down. Fall down. Fall down. Fall down. Fall down. Fall down. Fall down. Fall down. Fall down. Fall down. Fall down. Fall down. Fall down. Fall down. Fall down. Fall down. Fall down. Fall down. Fall down. Fall down. Fall down. Fall down. Fall FALLDOWNFALLDOWNFALLDOWNFALLDOWNFALLDOWNFALLDOWNFALLDOWNFALLDOWNFALLDOWNFALLDOWNFALLDOWNALLDOWNALLDOWNALLDOWNALLDOWNALLDOWNFALLDOWNFALLDOWNFALLDOWNFALLDOWNFALLDOWNFALLDOWNFALLDOWNFALLDOWNFALLDOWNFALLDOWNFALLDOWNFALLDOWNFALLDOWNFALLDOWNFALLDOWNFALLDOWNFALLDOWNFALLDOWNFALLDOWNFALLDOWNFALLDOWNFALLDOWNFALLDOWNFALLDOWNFALLDOWNFALLDOWNFALLDOWNFALLDOWNFALLDOWNFALLDOWNFALLDOWNFALLDOWNFALLDOWNFALLDOWNFALLDOWNFALLDOWNFALLDOWNFALLDOWNFALLDOWNFALLDOWNFALLDOWNFALLDOWNFALLDOWNFALLDOWNFALLDOWNFALLDOWNFALLDOWNFALLDOWNFALLDOWNFALLDOWNFALLDOWNFALLDOWNFALLDOWNFALLDOWNFALLDOWNFALLDOWNFALLDOWNFALLDOWNFALLDOWNFALLDOWNFALLDOWNFALLDOWNFALLDOWNFALLDOWNFALLDOWNFALLDOWNFALLDOWNFALLDOWNFALLDOWNFALLDOWNFALLDOWNFALLDOWNFALLDOWNFALLDOWNFALLDOWNFALLDOWNFALLDOWNFALLDOWNFALLDOWNFALLDOWNFALLDOWNFALLDOWNFALLDOWNFALLDOWNFALLDOWNFALLDOWNFALLDOWNFALLDOWNFALLDOWNFALLDOWNFALLDOWNFALLDOWNFALLDOWNFALLDOWNFALLDOWNFALLDOWNFALLDOWNFALLDOWNFALLDOWNFALLDOWNFALLDOWNFALLDOWNFALLDOWNFALLDOWNFALLDOWNFALLDOWNFALLDOWNFALLDOWNFALLDOWNFALLDOWNFALLDOWNFALLDOWNFALLDOWNFALLDOWNFALLDOWNFALLDOWNFALLDOWNFALLDOWNFALLDOWNFALLDOWNFALLDOWNFALLDOWNFALLDOWNFALLDOWNFALLDOWN

ALL

DOWN

FALL

DOWN

ALL

October 9

The writing on the back of October 6 is fucking me up. I almost don’t want to touch this fucking book again. It feels contaminated. Unclean.

I don’t even know if that’s my handwriting this time because it’s so fucking scratched on there. But who the fuck else could have done it? I’m the only one who knows about this book. No one’s ever seen me write in it as far as I know.

Anyway, I made a promise to myself to document the last few days of my life. For science…or history…or whatever the fuck. So here I am, writing, against my better judgment.

Gail is still sleeping most of the time. Mary is still…well, Mary. Silent and sad. Alan seems preoccupied by something, but he won’t say what it is…

Max and David are the only semi-normal folks here. David just kind of tries to keep the poor kid occupied and give him as much of a childhood as he can, given the circumstances. They both seem worried for Gail too.

Max tried to get in bed with her yesterday afternoon to cuddle while she slept and she just turned away from him and faced the wall. The poor kid didn’t understand what was going on so he tried to hug her from behind and she just pulled away further and wrapped the blankets tighter around her shoulders.

Max starts to cry because he’s just a kid and doesn’t know how to deal with this shit. No, scratch that, he shouldn’t have to deal with this shit. So, I distracted him with a card game and he forgot about Gail snubbing him. Or seemed to anyway.

Dead fuck sighting: 0 (…but the fucking smell never seems to go away. You’d think I would get used to it, but it’s stronger, if anything)

October 10

Well, David tried to talk some sense into Gail today. It didn’t go well, from what I could hear.

It was hard to make out exactly what was said because they were behind a closed door, but I could hear him trying to speak calmly to her while she basically ripped the poor guy a new asshole. The only thing I could 100% make out was her saying (or screaming):

“You don’t understand! You don’t get it! We’re all going to die out here unless we can get enough food for the winter, and that’s on me. I’m the scavenger! I’m the one who has to go out there and face whatever’s in the woods to find other people and their supplies! What part of that don’t you get, David?!”

I heard David practically whisper, “What do you mean by ‘people and their supplies’, Gail? Are you trying to say that you killed someone for a few cans of fucking food? Did you even kill the boar or did you just steal it from someone too?”

It got really quiet and hard to hear the rest, but I swear it sounded like she said, “No. I killed him myself. I did what I had to do for us…”

Then the fighting erupted again and I couldn’t take it anymore. I listened to my fucking parents fight like that back in the day, before the divorce. Fucking bitterness and anger dripping from every syllable they uttered to one another.

I fucking hate that shit. So I just walked out of the place and wandered around some of the old buildings, thinking about the past. About my parents and Lucille and how fucked up things got in the end.

My mind kept going back to Gail’s words though: “I killed him myself.”

“Him” not “it”.

Weird fucking way to refer to a wild boar that we’ve been eating for days, but that’s women for you. They always seem to like personifying animals. I don’t get it. If I eat you, I don’t want to think of you as a person. You’re food now.

I wonder if that’s how the fucking dead fucks work. Maybe they’re all hallucinating that we’re just big fucking pieces of steak and pumpkin pie or some shit like that? Weird train of thought there, Neegs.

Dead fuck sightings: 0 (blah, blah blah…the air smells like shit here…starting to think that we’re right next to a fucking abattoir or something....Maybe that’s why folks fucked off from here in the 40s?)

Found on the next page in a tight, controlled script that does not match Negan’s handwriting:

He doesn’t know.

I know what he writes.

I’ll write too.

Soon they will all know…

He comes.

October 14

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

It’s been a few days since I saw the lovely little note someone left me after my last entry. Fucking fuck. This shit is getting too weird.

I showed it to Alan today because he at least seems to know a few things about weird shit going on in the woods. He got really pale when he saw it and even paler when I showed him the first two. Especially that fucking “Fall Down” one.

He told me that he needed to show me something right away. It was dark and still raining out a little bit, but I followed him outside and across the tiny village we’ve called our home for a few weeks.

He took me to the very edge of town, near the beginning of the woods. I didn’t want to go anywhere fucking near that shit, but I had to follow. It seemed so important to him. Besides, it might not be safe anywhere anymore.

We stood outside of the building he had brought me to for a moment before swinging the old wooden door open and leading me inside. Everything was dark aside from the beam of light coming from Alan’s flashlight, and what little I could see made me want to go take at least five hot showers.

The whole place was wrecked to shit. Wooden furniture overturned and broken. Everything covered in dust and thick cobwebs. Decades of leaves and debris that had blown in through the broken windows scattered around.

I asked, “What the fuck is this place?”

Without saying anything, Alan pointed his beam to the far right corner of the room and illuminated the wall. My eyes followed and I finally saw why he had brought me to this place. There was a drawing on the wall. It looked like this:

 “It was their church,” he said finally.

“What?”

“The people who were here before us. In the 40s. This was their church. This has all happened before, and it’s happening again now.”

“What? What the fuck is happening? What does this mean?”

“It means,” he said softly, “that we need to get out of here soon or we’ll end up like the town’s first inhabitants.”

“Oh? And what fucking happened to them? I thought they just fucked off…”

“Does a whole town of people just ‘fuck off’ over the course of one winter, Negan?” his eyes burned into me, “Towns die slowly from a million small losses. Whole populations don’t just get up one winter day and walk out of their homes, leaving everything behind, and write shit like this on their walls before they do. They didn’t leave. They died.”

“How do you know this? How could you possibly know?”

“Because my grandmother was here when it happened. Haven’t you figured that out by now? She saw the literal writing on the wall,” he gestured with his flashlight, “and got out before the snow flew.  And that’s what I intend to do first thing tomorrow morning. I would encourage you to do the same if you value your fucking soul.”

“What are we fucking talking about here? Fucking souls? What the fuck, man? I don’t understand this shit!”

“You don’t need to. It’s not for you to understand. Just listen to me and know that if you stay here you will die horribly. You will all die horribly. They found them in the spring. My grandmother told me when I was old enough to understand. The town didn’t disappear. They were right here. Dead. Eaten. Decaying. That’s what happened to the town of Falling Creek.”

“Can you just tell me what we’re fucking talking about? Please? I need to know because I haven’t seen a whole lot outside of this place that feels very safe right now either.”

Alan sighed and lowered his beam, then looked me dead in the eyes before responding, “Look, I’m only going to say this once, so listen to me now. I don’t even want to say it because saying it can be enough to pique its attention, but if you have to know…if it’s the only way to convince you to come with me, then here it is: Wendigo.”

“The fuck does that mean?”

“There are things out here that are worse than the living dead. Those fuckers are just mindless machines, toiling away at the command of their impulses. They aren’t malevolent or benevolent – they just exist.”

He continued:

“The thing that I just named? It’s different. It is every evil that sleeps in the heart of humanity.

It is every time someone harms another out of self-interest or hate or greed.

It is colonialism.

It is genocide.

It is a hate crime.

It is famine.

It is abuse of power.

It is corruption.

It eats away at those who encounter it. It leaves them always hungry for more power and more wrath. They are never satisfied. To even speak its name is to invoke it.

It lives in these woods. My grandmother knew it. And her parents before her. And their parents and so on. It’s always been here and always will be. It may sleep for a while, but it always wakes up eventually. Usually when you’re at your lowest and most desperate.

Nothing stops it because true evil has no end. You can only avoid it and hope that it’s enough. Like a hurricane. That’s why I didn’t want to tell you. That’s why I couldn’t say its name before, but I’m willing to risk it if it saves you and the others.

I thought that it was just a story. I was willing to come here with Gail because it seemed like a good place to hide out. Now I know that it’s real. As real as you or me. And we need to get out.”

He turned and left back for the main building. I followed along with him and said nothing. What could I say?

As soon as we were inside he began to pack his things silently.

I don’t know what to think anymore. I don’t know what to do. Even if we leave at first light, we’ll have to spend a few days in the woods before we reach the next town. I can’t leave Max or Mary here, but I don’t know if they would make it out there.

I want to go, but I don’t know if I can live with myself if I leave them here with that thing. Whatever it is.

Dead fuck count: Who cares?

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #343

“i slither like a viper and get you by the neck  /  i know a thousand ways to help you forget about her”

What's your favorite kind of bear? I don't really know. I just like bears. Have you ever sent a FWD because you were afraid? Ha, yup, as a little kid. Would you ever date more than one person at a time? Nooooo sir. Have you ever rebounded... or been someone's rebound? No. What’s the biggest argument you’ve ever had with a family member? Did things ever go back to how they were beforehand? My grandmother cursed me the fuuuuck out one night as a kid because I was in a mood and didn't tell my mother goodnight. I still remember being called an ungrateful bitch with her like an inch from my face, and admittedly, I was being rude because I wanted to go home, but it kinda scarred me for life. For the remainder of her life, I was always sort of on edge around her and was convinced she didn't like me. Have you ever experienced some kind of natural disaster? I've been through lots of hurricanes. None that massively affected my life, though. If you have pets, do you feed them human food or do they just get regular pet food? If they do get human food, what’s their favorite thing to have? Venus is a snake, so she obviously doesn't get food meant for humans. Roman is very well-trained to not beg or make a move for people's food; he tried once as a kitten, and giving him a pop taught him right away. Have you ever been in a physical fight? Who won? No. What’s the mode of transport that you take or use the most? The car. Mom's, specifically. Have you ever had a zoo keeper experience or anything where you’ve been able to go behind the scenes and look after/feed the animals? No, but I wish. :( Would you ever want the responsibility of being a politician or a similar position of power? NOOOOOOO. What’s something your parents do that really annoys you? Mom is *always* right, pretty much indisputably. And she WILL have the last word. Dad, meanwhile, can be pretty rude to people. I don't think he realizes it half the time, but still. It's not an excuse. What is your main source of anxiety? Social interactions. What’s your favorite 90s cartoon? Pokemon. Describe the moment you realized you were falling in love with someone. I'd rather not. What’s your favorite sparkling water brand/flavor? I've never tried sparkling water. What’s your favorite makeup brand/brands? I don't have a favorite, considering I don't wear it nearly enough and have never even bought my own. I just use whatever Mom buys. What are some female names you would name a baby? Alessandra is my favorite for sure. I also love Anneliese, Justine, Evelyn, Chloe, Evangeline, Quinn... There's a lot. What about male? Severin is my favorite, and I also like Damien, Vincent, Victor, and Luther. Do you have any subscription boxes? No. What fictional creature would you like as a pet? I want a dragon, goddammit. Idc if it can breathe fire ok I want a dragon. Ewoks are also the one and only thing I enjoy from Star Wars. What kind of dwelling do you live in? Just a one-story house. Is there anyone you work with that you don't get along with? Why? N/A Do you have an opinion on adopting/purchasing a pet? PLEASE adopt, especially with cats and dogs, given the number of strays. Purebreds tend to have so many underlying issues, and besides, it's just a LOT of money for an animal that probably wouldn't outlive a mutt. Don't feed the machine if you can. What's your favorite chain restaurant? The Cheesecake Factory or Olive Garden. Why were you last pulled over? I’ve never been pulled over before. What was the last thing you've done on the water? Just kinda swam around a bit in the ocean. It was so warm, totally like a bath. I do NOT miss that sun poisoning, though. Are you cool with swimming in a lake? I think I'd do it if someone invited me to, and the lake didn't look filthy, of course. Do you have a drone? No. What's your favorite hole-in-the-wall restaurant? We have this tiny, local Mexican place that's really good. I don't know the name of it, and I wouldn't share it for obvious reasons. What do you order from there? Chips and salsa of course, along with a shrimp and cheese quesadilla, and finally their cheesy rice. What's your favorite ice-cream flavor? Depending on my mood, it bounces between vanilla with chocolate syrup or just plain chocolate. Do you have any t-shirts from any local businesses? No. Do you listen to any talk shows or podcasts? I used to listen to Mark, Bob, and Wade's podcast, but I'm like... ten months behind, haha. What's something someone calls you that you find endearing? I like "love" a lot. What's your favorite children's book? I loved books like The Rainbow Fish, The Very Hungry Caterpillar, Stellaluna, 10 Minutes 'til Midnight, What Makes a Rainbow?, Chrysanthemum, etc. Is there a new season for a series you're excited to come out? Meerkat Manor comes back this summer, and I am fucking HYPED. How old are you? I'm 25. What is something unique you enjoy about the one you like/love? I tease her about it all the time, but it's really cute that she keeps all of her snakes' good sheds in her room. Proud reptile mom. Are you more liberal or conservative? I'm close to the middle, but I lean towards being more liberal, and I seem to go more that way with time. Do you watch American Horror Story? I used to. I saw the entire first season and really liked it, and then I almost finished the second, but I lost interest. The story got a bit stupid imo. I'd be willing to watch other seasons, though. Does your hometown have any urban legends/scary stories? None that I’m aware of. The people there are scary enough. What's the scariest nightmare you remember having? Let's not talk about it. Are you medicated? Uh very. Are there any apps you're addicted to? Nah. Did you have a favorite stuffed animal as a child? It was initially a bunny holding a polka-dotted blanket, then it become a moose I got from Cabela's when in Ohio. Do you still collect stuffed animals? Only meerkat ones. Have you ever stolen/borrowed clothes from an ex? Haha I've worn Jason's pj pants before and they just kinda... became mine, lol. What's the last movie you watched at home? The Shining, I believe. What's the last movie you watched in theaters? The CGI remake of The Lion King. I still don't get why it was received so badly. Have you ever had eggs cooked over a campfire? I don't think so, no. If you do drink, what's your favorite alcoholic beverage? Margaritas, generally. However, Sara's dad made me this absofuckinglutely incredible chocolate drink before that tasted like a milkshake. It had like, no alcohol flavor, which worked out well for me considering I very much dislike that taste. Are there any songs you've been listening to repetitively lately? There's a new one every day lately, haha. Today it's Halocene's cover of "Love Bites (So Do I)." Cereal, granola, or oatmeal? Cereal. What TV shows did you grow up watching? You gotta gimme an age group... but I'd say the typical stuff for kids of that time. What does your phone case look like? It's just a boring purple that came with it. What were your favorite toys to play with as a child? I looooved playing with my "family" of a father crocodile, a mother deer, their two "children" (a fawn and smaller croc), and "friends" that were little Pokemon figurines. Then there was an evil t-rex with two stupid sidekicks, haha. I can't remember what dinosaurs they were. What's the most embarrassing thing you can ever remember doing? Hold on, lemme find my book. Do you remember what you dreamt about last night? I only very faintly recall dreaming about my cat Roman. Have you ever done anything embarrassing in a dream? Thank FUCK they're just dreams. Do you vape? Nah. What was a song you loved as a child? So uh. Apparently. I loved "Dookie" by Green Day. It's an undying story from Mom about how it came on once at a putt-putt place and I apparently started yelling "dookie!" and dancing. Do you enjoy the Arctic Monkeys? Yeah, I love some of their songs. Are you going to see Finding Dory? You bet your sweet ass I saw it. I've cried everytime I've watched it. Have you ever been horseback-riding? I have not, but I would love to. When was your last piercing? Whenever I got my tragus done, which I can't remember. What did your first crush look like? I don't remember my puppydog love first crush, but I can talk about my first REAL crush, Sebastian. He's a skinny dude with short, brown hair and a lip piercing... I can't remember which kind. He dressed in an emo style, and Facebook pictures at least suggest he still kind of does, I think. Is your body more curvy or flat? Well, I'm not at all skinny, so... What's your least favorite holiday? Probably Christopher Colombus Day, honestly. You didn't discover shit. Don't pretend to me it's worth celebrating in a clean conscience. if you’re having a boring day what do you usually do? If I'm rock-bottom bored, quite honestly, I normally nap, even though I know I shouldn't. Do you turn to food when you're upset? Ugh, I'm admittedly an emotional eater. I got way better about it, and then I started up again. Is your bf/gf good with your parents? I don't have an s/o. Do you think soda should be served at school? Vending machines are fine I suppose, as I don't believe they should be free seeing as they're nothing but sugar content, and I feel schools shouldn't just hand that out to kids at lunch or something. Do dogs have feelings? They sure do. Are you afraid of snakes? Oh no! I adore them. I respect snakes and am going to give wild ones their space for sure considering I don't recognize every native venomous one, but nevertheless, I'm not afraid of them. They are so vital to the ecosystem and are incredibly fascinating animals that deserve our protection. On that note, PLEASE do not kill any snake you come across in your shed or whatever. Call someone to relocate the terrified thing. Favorite snack? It depends on what I'm in the mood for, really. Ever seen The Notebook? Read the book, seen the movie plenty of times. Do you think cussing is trashy? No. Who is the most famous person you’ve met, if any? Nobody. Do you own any animals that aren’t domestic? No. Have you ever feared that you would lose a body part? No. Do you like gore? Yeah, generally. Do you like to drink water? Ugh, I really don't. I wish I did. Have you ever had a wax? I used to get my eyebrows waxed. Do you have any sets of matching bras and underwear? No. Are you any good at improv? Not at ALL.