#it sucks soooo bad constant pain also sucks so bad | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

partiallyobscure · 3 years

Text

otp questions from this post <3 I just went ahead and did them with David and Michael lmao. it’s mostly my usual headcanons with my fic as the backstory but you don’t necessarily need to read it to understand. cw for light nsfw but it’s mostly tame.

Who is the most affectionate?

David is disgustingly affectionate. he lives to make people uncomfortable so he would be the absolute worst perpetrator of PDA. he and Michael have gotten kicked out of too many establishments all because David is constantly letting his hands wander. I don’t even think he’s aware of it at this point lmao

Big spoon/Little spoon?

they bicker about it a lot, but usually in bed, David ends up being the little spoon. he tries to start off being the big spoon but he always wakes up with Michael’s arms around his chest, specifically covering where the holes from the antlers were, even though the scars are long gone by now.

Most common argument?

usually comes down to who/what/where to eat.

Favorite non-sexual activity?

they love doing tons of stuff together, but they really like racing, watching bad sci-fi movies, and going on haunted tours around the country. they’ll really go the extra mile for the ghost tours and get huge cameras to hang around their neck and everything and act all tourist-y. it’s a great time.

Who is most likely to carry the other?

David fusses but Michael carries him around when he can or requests it. he doesn’t like to do it too often though because it always reminds him of that first time he did so, thinking he was carrying David’s dead body in his arms.

What is their favorite feature of their partner's?

Michael’s favorite feature is David’s mouth, especially when it quirks up into his signature smirk, but he can also tell a lot about what David’s feeling from what he’s doing with his mouth. David hates that Michael can read him so easily (even with their shared mental connection) and asks how the fuck he’s able to do that, and Michael always gives an enigmatic smile and swipes his thumb across David’s lips.

David’s favorite is Michael’s eyes. he could lose a whole night just staring into them. he can’t quite place the color, but they remind him of how the sky would look at noon and he gets a rush of nostalgia every time Michael looks at him. whenever they light up like when they’re with Michael’s family or when he’s talking about the coolest bike that he saw in town that day is David’s absolute favorite. and when only his eyes turn amber, before the rest of his face follows to match David’s, David falls a little bit more in love every time.

What's the first thing that changes when they realize they have feelings for the other?

not much changed on David’s end since he was attracted to Michael at first sight. he couldn’t let it show though so he just found excuses to touch Michael whenever he could, passing him the joint and their fingers brushing when Michael took the bottle and catching him when they fell off the bridge.

when Michael realized he started to share those feelings, he was confused at first considering everything that happened between them. he wasn’t sure if he wanted to hit David or hit on David when they first met, so those feelings simmered a bit until he could get to know David beyond their history. he doesn’t fully admit it until he realizes he’s the one David is pursuing and he has the ego boost from this combined with knowing there’s more to David than what he allows people to see.

Nicknames? & if so, how did they originate?

David likes how Michael’s name sounds too much to give him a nickname, but will sometimes hit him with a ‘babe’ just to see him flustered. Michael calls him Davey just to make him mad but especially in public.

Who worries the most?

Michael since he still can’t seem to shake the fact that he doesn’t need to worry anymore about human dangers. he still flinches and looks twice before pulling onto the highway and all. but mostly he still worries about his family and their perception of him and whether or not they see him as a bad person, despite their love and support. and of course, he worries about how he’ll be when the day comes that he gets older than them.

Who remembers what the other one always orders at a restaurant?

David knows Michael’s order all too well and specifically chooses restaurants that have at least fifteen kinds of burgers to choose from.

Michael swears David is making stuff up at this point whenever they go to a sushi place or a Thai place and he chooses something new to try every time. he knows David’s bubble tea order by heart, though.

Who tops?

Michael, but they’ll switch whenever David has had enough of Michael being too gentle with him.

Who initiates kisses?

David, but he’ll usually give Michael a look when he wants a kiss and Michael is happy to oblige. otherwise, since David likes gross PDA, he usually steals a kiss whenever he can.

Who reaches for the other's hand first?

David and it’s usually because he has to pull Michael along after he gets lost in his thoughts, more often than not after they feed.

Who kisses the hardest?

Michael. David nipped at his bottom lip once and that’s all it took for his fangs to come out and sometimes, it gets a little bloody.

Who wakes up first?

Michael. he has to practically drag David out of bed most nights because he’s too comfortable.

Who wants to stay in bed just a little longer?

David as stated above lmao. who knows how long dude was batting it up before he could sleep in a bed again.

Who says I love you first?

Michael and it was out of frustration.

Who tells their family/friends about their relationship first?

there’s no one to tell at first since they were keeping it secret, but Star finds out first and is initially upset, mostly about being lied to. grandpa eventually finds out next and then Sam stumbled across them by accident, so...both of them technically spill the beans together each time lmao

What do their family/friends think of their relationship?

Lucy is supportive and likes David a lot. she knows she should probably resent him for turning Michael, but he really seems like a boy who was in a bad scenario and is making due with what happened to him. she also knows Michael has been a good influence on him and trusts the two of them are doing what they need to to survive. her and David bond over shit talking Max and the best kind of wines.

Sam was understandably skeptical at first, but he and David came to an understanding and they’re cool now. they bond over music and David eventually comes around to really enjoying board games because of Sam, mostly because he wins every single game. Sam even refers to him as his brother-in-law.

Star took longer to come around but she mostly listens whenever Sam tells her what they’re up to. she’s also mostly relieved that she dodged both of those bullets and can live her own life how she wants to now, grateful that the boys gave her an escape and that Michael helped get her human life back.

Who is more likely to start dancing with the other?

both of them suck at dancing, but Michael will spin David every now and then when a cheesy slow song comes on, or Careless Whispers and they both crack up.

Who cooks more/who is better at cooking?

when they’re back spending time with Michael’s family, David is usually the one helping Lucy in the kitchen. he’s chided Michael before about joining in, especially with the big holiday dinners but Michael is always there to lick whatever spoons and bowls clean when they make dessert.

they vow to take a cooking class or two while they’re out on the road but never do.

Who comes up with cheesy pick up lines?

Michael. he usually gets them from Sam.

Who whispers inappropriate things in the other's ear during inappropriate times?

David, 100%. inappropriate times being at all times because of the whole telepathy thing.

Who needs more assurance?

David, that Michael still wants to be with him and doesn’t resent him for turning him. but also Michael that he isn’t a monster and that he’s only doing what he needs to to survive.

What would be their theme song?

SOOOO MANY but just from my drive to work today: Possum Kingdom by the Toadies fits TOO well. Michael by Franz Ferdinand too obviously. I’m curating a playlist for them here at the moment if anyone’s interested lmao

Who would sing to their child back to sleep?

please don’t give these two a child

What do they do when they're away from each other?

they’re not usually too far from each other but David gets a little mopey until he can see Michael again. he’s protective so he doesn’t let Michael too far out of his sight. Michael feels a little part of himself missing when David’s not with him, so he’ll do whatever he needs to do quickly or just take David along with him.

one headcanon about this OTP that breaks your heart:

despite all the time David has had to mourn and grieve, he still misses the other boys every day and sometimes it gets really painful. his only regret in life is not easing Michael into the vampire thing more before turning him, but he was under a time constraint from Max so he didn’t have much of a choice. they still get into shouting matches very rarely about whether or not Michael was the catalyst for the other three’s deaths and David’s very deep, hidden fear is that he’ll never learn how to accept it and one day, his emotions will take him too far and Michael will get sick of his guilt trips.

one headcanon about this OTP that mends it:

Michael does blame himself for David’s grief, because how could he not. he feels like the constant source of David’s sorrow when it comes to the boys but also his ecstatic love and it pulls him in two directions. he listens intently whenever David tells him about his past and his time with the boys and asks what they’d say or do if they were there with them right now, and it continues into the modern era. Michael asks what kind of blog Paul would have (music reviews and fashion), what Marko would name his Instagram account for bird photography (vampigeons), and how many followers Dwayne would get on tiktok for posting thirst traps. David knows Michael cares and is trying to keep the spirit of the lost boys alive.

#i miss my fic ok i wanted to expand on it a little 🥺#the fluff overload tag comes in handy here #my fics #the lost boys #david/michael emerson

43 notes · View notes

fredweesleyismyslut · 4 years

Text

A/N: Hey, guys!!! I wrote this up out of boredom at like midnight because I was watching Supernatural so if it’s not great I’m sorry but also not sorry this is what I wrote and I’m gonna be proud of it even if it sucks. Anywho, besides the very contradictory sentence that is coming out of my mouth because it’s 12am again(why am I always writing at midnight?) and I’m tired so I’ll keep this short and sweet. I hope you guys like this now byeeee I need sleep to be able to continue my reading of developmental psych!!!

You sat up in bed, not able to sleep, as your husband slept softly snoring to your side. You turned to your side, facing him, as you traced the faint scars along his chest. The ones that he had acquired whilst fighting the supernatural. Yes, you heard correctly, your husband, Dean Winchester, fought the supernatural alongside his younger brother Sam.

You two had met while he was on one of his trips. You knew of the supernatural due to your father and therefore of course knew who the Winchester brothers were.

Your father had brought them in since they were working a case together and you sat at the dining table, minding your business, till Dean came over. “What’s a pretty face like you doing here?”

You scoffed as you replied, “Maybe I’m here because I live here…” You pointedly stared into his eyes, “That’s my dad, try anything and I’ll break your hands pretty boy.”

Dean let out a low whistle as he held his hands up in mock surrender, “Yes ma’am. What’s your name or does asking your name qualify as ‘trying something’?” Chuckling under your breath you held your hand out, “Y/n Y/l/n.” He took your hand and before he could reply you cut in, “I already know who you are. The infamous Winchester brothers. I’m assuming you’re Dean since the other one is tall and cute.”

Dean’s face flashed with mock hurt as he replied, “Are you implying that I’m not cute?”

You shook your head, “I’m implying that you’re not cute...but you are definitely handsome.” A smile spread across his face as his eyes glinted with something you couldn’t place. There was something similar to interest along with a great big hole full of despair and loneliness.

“Hey, Dean, we gotta go.” Sam said, walking over as his hair swept in front of his face. He turned to you, “Oh, hey, y/n. Wanna come with?”

You nodded, walking over to link arms casually, “Yup, I’m bored out of my mind. What’s the deal?”

Sam smiled as he ruffled your hair, “We’re not sure yet, but the bodies had bite marks on them and were bled.” You nodded, “Soooo, most likely vampire?” He nodded, “Most likely but there’s just something that doesn’t add up.” “Oh, there you go again, Sammy, rolling that brain again. Sometimes things are just what they are there isn’t always something else.”

Dean was glancing between the two of you, and if it was physically possible his jaw would’ve been all the way on the ground. “Wait, a damn second.” he strolled over, “You two know each other?”

You smiled brightly, “Yeah, we met a couple years ago when he was studying law. I was friends with some of his friends and it’s like we just immediately knew we were both running from something.” Sam nodded, “Been friends since...I thought you knew?”

Dean shook his head profusely, “The hell I didn’t if, I did I would’ve come here a lot more often.”

You laughed head falling back as you slapped Sam’s shoulders, “As if you would’ve even had a chance, Winchester. You’re not my type, too full of it.” You walked over, before stopping inches in front of his face, “I personally would take Sammy here over you any day.”

Dean scoffed as he pulled away, “Whatever...Come on let’s go and you, just don’t get in the way I don’t want to have to save you.” Chuckling you replied, “Don’t worry. I think I’ll be doing all the ass saving.”

And yes, you were indeed correct, you saved him from almost being gutted by vampires and Sam was correct the vampires had something fishy so you continued to follow the leads. Since, then it was history and here you are now sitting in bed with the love of your life, Dean Winchester.

You continued tracing the scars then traced your finger up to his face, running your finger along his jaw as you watched his eyes flutter beneath his eyelids. He looked so peaceful and almost angelic when he was sleeping compared to his constant state of worry during the day where monsters lurked.

You were shaken from your thoughts as Dean grabbed your wrist, voice still laced with sleep, “Bad dream?” he asked, automatically pulled your body close to his, embracing you as if trying to protect you from all that was bad.

Holding his hand close to your heart you fiddled with your wedding ring, “I have to talk to you, Dean.”

He mumbled something incoherent as he leaned his head on your shoulder, “Should I be scared?” he placed a kiss along the nape of your nape, making his way up to your jaw. “It’s serious, if that’s what you mean,” you replied, trying to hold your fears away. “Uh oh what’d I do? Is it because I ate all the pie, I said I was sorry.”

He seemed more awake now, but still groggy, as you turned around to face him, placing your hand on his jaw. “We need to talk, Dean.”

This seemed to completely shake him from his sleepy state as he took your hand and kissed your knuckles. “Seriously, sweetheart, you’re scaring me. What’s wrong?” His eyes stared into yours, looking for in an answer, from fright.

“I-I…” Your voice shook as you took a deep breath in, “I’m pregnant, Dean.”

His eyes stared into yours for a long moment before he smiled wide, as he pulled you into a hug, sheets entangling between your bodies. “You’re not messing with me, right? Oh my god, and everything that’s holy, you’re serious?”

You nodded as he sat up in bed, “Y/n! We’re having a baby!” He shouted, as you slapped his chest, “shhhh you’re gonna wake the neighbors if you’re any louder.” “I don’t care. I’m so happy.” He leaned down as he kissed your forehead, “I can’t believe this. I’m going to have a baby with the love of my life.”

His reaction blew all your worries away, as you took his hand in yours, “Are you seriously happy?” He frowned slightly, in confusion, “Why wouldn’t I be?”

He pushed your hair out of your face as he waited for you to continue, “I don’t know...I just...You know with all that’s going on you and Sam are still quite busy. I-I don’t want to be another one of your worries.” Then you took a deep breath, holding back tears as you prepared yourself, “I also don’t want to worry about you two everyday. I know I can’t tell you to stop but...but I don’t want to see you walk out the door and never come back. I don’t want to raise our kid to be afraid that their dad might not come home the next day. I don’t want to live without you Dean. No, I can’t live without you.”

His eyebrows creased in the middle as he opened his mouth then close it to think of an appropriate response, “You won’t have to have all these worries, honey. I’ll always be here, even if I have to go to hell and back again, I’ll always be here.” He kissed your cheeks before continuing, “I can’t live without you, either, so you have to promise to not go on dangerous cases too. You’re not the only one who’s worried every day. I worry every time you leave the house for a case, I know you’re a badass and you saved my life and everything but...I worry.” You nodded, “So, fewer cases or at least less dangerous cases. Is that the final agreement?” Dean smiled, mockingly holding out his hand, “It’s a deal.” “It’s a deal,” you replied, shaking it mockingly and giving a salute.

Suddenly, Dean’s eyes lit up with excitement, “I’ve gotta tell Sammy. He’s gonna freak out!” Then he finished, “We beat him to having a kid ha!”

Rolling your eyes you slapped his arm, “It’s not a competition you idiot.” “Yeahhhh, but it kinda is,” he said. “Ugh whatever, I’ll call Jody. We know she’ll be so excited she’s probably going to take vacation days just to come to see us so we’re gonna have to prepare the spare bedrooms.” Dean nodded, as he excitedly yelled on the phone, “Sammy! Guess what? You know what don’t guess I’m gonna tell you. We’re having a baby!” His conversation continued with Sam as he excitedly bantered with his brother.

It was good to see him like this, free from stress, happy and not being chased by monsters or in hell, you smiled softly to yourself as you thought, I love you, Winchester. Even if he was a pain in the ass sometimes, he was your pain in the ass.

#dean winchester #dean winchester x y/n #dean winchester x reader #Winchester brothers #supernatural #supernatural x reader #dean winchester x you #dean winchester x reader smut #dean winchester x reader fluff #dean winchester x reader headcanons #supernatural x reader fluff #supernatural x reader smut #supernatural x reader headcanons #supernatural cw

129 notes · View notes

theinnerhalf · 4 years

Text

2019 in Review: Highlights

Making a venture back into writing again with this “year in review”. I guess I’m slightly less damaged than I was last year and have finally built the courage to write about how this year was for me, even some dark times included. Thank you 2019, for not much, but I guess thank you. A “fuck you” would be more appropriate but regardless, I’m grateful. Let’s do this.

January 2019

An extremely slow start to the new year, as it usually is when it comes to me. My January’s tend to be bleak, gray, and cold especially considering the coming down from a constant holiday high. I spent this first month with friends I could call my family, regularly going out as much as we could while the two military guys (EJ and James) are here for the time being. In this month as well, I got to finally meet up with my ex who I can now proudly call a friend. Diana and I were able to catch up extensively to make up for all the lost time, talking about things like how we’ve been, the changes, the constants, and occasionally reminiscing. I know I’ve felt at peace before already, for having her back into my life rather than staying a bittersweet memory, but getting to catch up like this was a whole other type of joy I didn’t know I needed. As for the picture of the pants, I finally made the decision to buy a pair of jeans that I wanted soooo so bad from one of my favorite designers.

February

Goodness...Where do I even start for this month?...Like January, February for me is usually bleak. Regardless it being a month for “love”, it sucked. Maybe the worst for me in the year. The start of this month wasn’t all too bad though! There was a fashion show that Celine was walking/modeling for held at Rice University in order to celebrate Asian cultures and Chinese New Year. The show overall was alright...I guess it was just nice to be out supporting Celine and whatnot. I thought this month would at least provide a break for me, but just five days later, my grandma was sent to the ICU after suffering from a stroke...It happened so suddenly...Celine and I were at an outing when the two of us came back to my place and ran into my dad who was leaving in a hurry. He had a lost look on his face, as well as panicky and shifty eyes. He broke the news to us and had the sinking feeling in me hit so fast. The next thing I know, we’re at the hospital waiting room, anxiously waiting to be briefed with (hopefully) good news. I remember disassociating when the doctor had finally came to us, thinking that this really couldn’t be happening...not to us...not to my dad. I remember thinking that this isn’t fair...We literally had just gotten her into our lives’ and now we’re losing her.

We spent the following week trading stays at the hospital between my siblings and cousins. I can’t remember the proper psychology term for the feeling of false hope and security for an event that seems to be too horrible to be true, but that was what I had felt for the entire time. There’s no way that my family could lose our grandma like this...and not this soon. Just a day before my grandma’s stroke happened, she was asking when my younger sister and I were going to get married. The two of us looked at each other like, “What the fuuuu--? Where is this coming from?” My grandma explained shortly after that she felt as if she didn’t have much longer for her time here with us, and that she wanted to have the honor to make the dresses and suits for Lacel’s or my wedding. I couldn’t stop thinking about it. I couldn’t stop thinking about how cruel and merciless the world could be, but also at the same time, that I should’ve known better and that I should be used to this...I should be but I would rather not. I think it was after a week and a half where I found that my grandma would be transferred to a hospice. My family had told me this and I was under the impression that hospices were for people who had recovered enough that they don’t need to be in a hospital but still needed professional caretakers. I told this to Andrew and Quin and they both shared painful and shocked expressions with each other. I asked why they were looking at each other like that and then they broke it to me that hospices were for people who didn’t have much time left. I remember crying in front of them that day during work.

Virginia Barreda passed away, February 19, 2019. My family grieved separately and in different ways. I slept off the entire day...The picture of the room was how my grandma left the room right before she was taken to the hospital and was left untouched for the entire duration of the situation. I embarrassingly and shamefully made a gofundme to help raise money so that my family and I could attend her final farewell back home in the Philippines. I thought it wouldn’t get anywhere...but my heart...I was so surprised to see the amount of love and support that friends and even strangers had decided to put out, and I was touched beyond anything I had ever expected. A big thank you to those who donated and have come across this post by any way. You have my sincerest gratitude and even with that, I cannot thank you enough.

To end the note on a positive note at least, Celine and I hit one year at the end of this month. Amazing.

March

My family and I were in such a weird head space entering this month. There was a lot of recovering to be made and coming out of the state of denial from my grandma’s passing. It was like a new chapter of our lives abruptly opened itself onto us and we all did not know how to proceed. My dad was stressing out over medical expenses and how we were going to afford to bring the entire family to Philippines for my grandma’s final resting place. I did my best to keep the gofundme a secret from him, because knowing my dad, he would not accept the money under any condition. He only came to find out about it because some of his friends and relatives came across it, donated, and then told him about how sentimental and touching my gofundme passage was. He just asked why, and I regrettably said that it was because we were struggling out here and all I wanted to do was help. After some convincing with the help of my two sister’s, my dad accepted the help and agreed that we can now at least afford to take my dad for the initial ceremony while the rest of us would follow-up, hopefully in the summer or late 2019.

The first picture in this month’s set is of the Pieta in Italy, taken by Lacel. Lacel was on a two week school trip, while in the second picture is the view my dad had while his two week stay in the Philippines. Both my older sister and I stayed at home while envying our dad’s and Lacel’s experiences. Their trips only served as motivation for me to save up a lot more for Japan and I really wanted to make that happen no matter what. Even if it meant me going alone, I was ready to accept it.

The following pictures of Lacel are when they came back from Italy and celebrated their two years of being clean/no relapses. I know I rarely ever let it be known, but I really do care and love my younger sister a lot, and to see them make it this far in the span of two years meant so much to me. I’m glad that my family was able to celebrate that milestone in Lacel’s life because it was definitely quite the journey. The last photo is of my car’s fourth brake light functioning again with Travis’ help and was fixed just in time for the long drive to Marfa.

April

Really, the only one significant highlight for this month, which I am incredibly excited to share, was the moderately spontaneous trip I took out to Marfa, Texas with Yentl. I do have to say, the two of us were quite ambitious for taking on this trip by leaving Houston around 12am shortly, after grabbing oh my gogi and some boba. With the help of a trenta iced coffee, I was able to knock out 6 hours of the 8 hour drive. While the drive was a lot of fun, I started getting really sleepy around the 4 hour mark but it started raining extremely hard after we had passed San Antonio. I was so reluctant to switch over to Yentl driving because I had been losing traction every now and then. It was only until the sun rose that we finally had passed the rain. I shortly knocked out after the switch.

I woke up to Yentl ecstatically saying, “We’re heeeeere!” I opened my eyes and was immediately blinded, forgetting that daytime was a thing. But from the short time my eyes were open, I saw a railroad and buildings styled from days of the past. I fought to keep my eyes open only to tell myself, maybe five more minutes. As soon as we parked, Yentl and I took the opportunity to walk around.The weather was pleasant, not too hot and not too cold either. The humidity that seems to be a pestering presence in Houston was nowhere to be found in Marfa, so the daytime stroll was bliss. The two of us checked out Marfa’s welcome sign, the city hall (only from the outside because it was closed), a couple of local shops and art galleries, and the hotel Paisano, a hotel best known for having a movie shot in it.

All the walking had made us hungry...That and the only thing inside of us were boba and caffeine. Yentl and I checked out a place called Aster’s that was primarily a breakfast joint recommended to us by a person working at the welcome center. We both got an egg’s benedict. Me with a lemonade, and her an iced coffee. After eating, we proceeded to go to our Airbnb located 30 minutes away at another small town called Alpine. The Airbnb’s neighborhood was located in some rural area with cliffs surrounding it all. The Airbnb itself was a small and cute place that was divided into just three small parts: the bedroom, living room, and a bathroom. Yentl and I freshened up, put on the new fits, and made our way back to Marfa.

Headed back, we decided that we would first go see the outlandish Prada store located in the middle of the desert. The Prada store itself is a permanent art installation by artists Elmgreen and Dragset, built with the concept of using biodegradable materials so that the art installation could eventually return and be reclaimed back to Earth as all things eventually do. The drive to Prada, Marfa was an unexpectedly longer drive than I thought. It was a non-stop view of your textbook Western landscape...Desolate, scattered with ordinary desert shrubbery, and one thing to set it apart, a lonely, silver blimp just casually floating at the wind’s mercy.

When we finally arrived, it looked surreal to say the least. The building was so unexpectedly placed, yet at the same time, it wasn’t intrusive to the desert landscape. There were less people there than I had thought, which made it easier for Yentl and I to take the photos we wanted. What a pleasant oddity it was, I thought, to even drive eight hours just to see this left me with a sense of fulfillment knowing that this had been on my personal bucket list for quite some time.

The two of us made our way back to the city to kill some more time before it was time to see the mystery Marfa lights. We checked out a bookstore placed in the lobby of a hotel, wandered around the from one edge of the town to the other, checked out some more art galleries, and ate dinner at a local BBQ place. The sun was on the verge of setting so we headed to the viewing area that was located right beside the highway. We got there conveniently early and was able to secure a good parking spot as there was not even a designated parking lot. Yentl and I situated ourselves onto a bench with a clear view of the field. We both sat there in amazement of the sunset…layers on layers of colors dancing in the sky, almost a love letter to us from the sun itself, as it sank over the horizon, tucking itself in to say goodnight. The two of us couldn’t wrap our heads around the fact that we actually did this, an 8-hour drive to see some art and an unexplained natural phenomenon that happens in the desert at night. We really did this.

The sky turned from its calm lilac tones to an enveloping darkness and what followed were gasps of oooooh’s and aaaaah’s. It was finally happening. We peered over the horizon, somewhat confused, and there it was. Beside a constant blinking red light, appeared the mystery lights, bobbing up and down inconsistently, disappearing and reappearing on a whims notice. Yentl and I watched in awe and pondered about the mysteries of life like, does the supernatural exist, are there aliens out there, and what does it truly mean to love? Apart from the mystery lights themselves, the stars overhead was truly a sight to take in. The indescribable feeling of being small while looking up at the stars happens to be a favorite sensation of mine, but only this time, I was overwhelmed by it. I found a completely empty bench to lay down on just to look up. It must have been the most relaxed I have been since forever and I never wanted the feeling to end…But as all good things do, it did. Yentl and I made our way back to our Airbnb after catching what seemed to be a UFO flying above us. Marfa truly was surreal.

The two of us rested for the night, packed our stuff the next day, and made our way on the long journey back home.

May

The start of this month initially started incredibly slow. Not much has been done aside from learning how to shoot better on film which I spent a lot of my time on. I would keep pestering my friends to let me use them as models and surprisingly, they agreed! The first three photos are just a few of the pictures taken. This was also the month that the restaurant I work at, Noon (previously known as Verts, also previously known as Vertskebap), had undergone the change to being Daphne’s Greek Mediterranean. The change allowed us to finally get tips trough credit cards and no longer just cash tips. This allowed me to leave my shifts with a lot more money in hand.

It occurred to me…with this I could finally make my Japan trip a reality…In the span of just a week, I was able to raise 100 dollars in just tips alone (I know this doesn’t sound like a lot, but this is a big difference coming from leaving work with no more than 50 cents to 5 dollars on a busy day). I decided that the tip money would be strictly set aside for Japan and Japan only. I thought at the rate it was going, a 100 dollars per week would be sufficient for a trip set out in October/November. The rough estimate was at least around 2000 dollars if I decided I would really stay true to my word and not touch this extra money.

In this month also, my little sister got their associates degree in art, which I am really proud of! They then decided that they would be continuing their education at the university of Texas at Dallas. The last picture is a picture of one of my favorite musicians, blackbear, taken at a concert for his DEAD 2 THE WORLD tour. It was my second time getting to see him perform live, and while he was not in the best health to perform my favorite song the way that he usually does, it was still quite the experience. I would be more than happy to see him perform live again, and hopefully in better health.

June

Ahhh June. What better way to start of this month by getting into an accident…My neighbor ran into the passenger side door of my car while they were reversing and failed to see that I had already pulled out first. Extremely disappointing knowing how much my car means to me…What followed shortly after were series of looking for a trustworthy and affordable auto body and collision shop to do the work while being able to get covered by the person at fault’s insurance. Was honestly such a convoluted process and was so stressful that a part of me decided that maybe I would just leave and live with it. I ended up finding a shop called legendary auto and agreed to the other person’s insurance’s choice to only cover 80 percent of the costs because I allegedly had some “preventative measure” on stopping the collision from happening. Me, tired and not in the mood for a disagreement, agreed. I just wanted my car back to the way it was before.

The next highlight for this month was for an overnight camping trip I took out with my family and other family friends somewhere near Austin. It was a lot of fun! Everything was nearly perfect with the trip aside from the sweltering heat combined with a THICK humidity that made its dominance extremely clear. I remember there being so much good food…and with family friends that you’ve grown up with, there was never a shortage of people telling you to eat more when you just downed three plates of crawfish, bbq, and rice. There were boats and a tractor with a little tow for people to ride on in the back, a working NES system, a basketball court, playground, and an entire forest to explore. We spent our time playing card/board games, held a basketball competition, the dads versus the boys, a bonfire complete with smores, and a sad attempt at a Marvin’s room music video, complete with a hot tub and color changing lights.

Spending your time consistently outdoors resets your internal clock, and so by 9, everyone had started to get ready for bed. I remember being outside on the campgrounds and it being pitch black. Not being able to see past 15 feet in front of me at the most. One look at the sky in this setting and there was the full moon. Brighter than I had ever witnessed it…almost blinding to be honest. The older “kids” were cooped up in the RV designated for more kids to sleep in and were there playing monopoly deal. I joined in and found ourselves playing monopoly deal until 2am until I called it a night. I woke up the next day, sad to leave earlier than we’d have to because I had a shift at work to attend to even with all the begging I did with my other coworkers to cover for me.

As for the rest of this month’s highlights, I finally got the see the Van Gogh exhibit that was here at the Museum of Fine Arts. It was the most packed I have ever seen the MFAH in a long time and was glad that I was able to see Van Gogh’s work as art is always inspiring to me…Sad that the starry night wasn’t there but that’s alright. I also got to visit and hang out with Yentl this month during a trip I made to Dallas for Lacel’s scholarship interview. I haven’t seen her since our trip to Marfa and we got to talking about the Japan trip we’d be potentially taking out in the fall. We had Gyu-kaku (which she covered for like BRUH) and went over the possible itinerary that I had been researching for months now. As usual, it was always nice to see her, and I left Dallas feeling even more hopeful and motivated for the trip.

July

After one long month, I finally got my car back in perfect condition! So exciting to see my car just the way it used to be…Marwan and the rest of his team over at Legendary auto have all my gratitude for doing a stellar job. Could not thank them enough. For this month also, my family and I visited Galveston for the 4th of July, mainly for a parade and pleasure pier. It was a really nice experience getting to spend a whole outing with my family which we aren’t able to do often considering how busy we all are. Even more so with Lacel going to school soon in an entirely different city the following month. As for the final highlight of this month, I got to catch up on life with Lexi as we talk about the occurrences of life and sometimes even the past and how much we’ve grown from it. Always an experience to see her and it’s so interesting to see how I get to hang out with her during my days in college when in high school, we weren’t all that close.

August

I kicked off this month by helping my younger sister pack and move into their apartment in Dallas. We had to rent a car for all their stuff to fit because the 86 definitely was not able to carry everything that Lacel was bringing. It was a quick and pretty emotional ordeal, having one last dinner together as a family, and then having to say goodbye. I thought that would be the last time I would see my sister for a long time, but soon enough, I found myself making a trip to Dallas once a week for five weeks straight haha.

For the next highlight, it’s just a picture of me reveling in the fact that I had finally mustered the courage to go and change my major from nursing to journalism. I was shocked by how much easier it would’ve been for me to finish my associates if I had done this so much sooner. I found myself with only two more semesters, and maybe even just one if I had dedicated myself to just school. Also, in August, I had been unemployed for about two months prior. Shoutout to Daphne’s for pulling the rug from underneath my friends and I without any warning whatsoever. A double-edged sword might I admit, because while it left me unemployed suddenly, the closing of Daphne’s allowed to me find more opportunities and finally be free from the comfort of familiarity that the restaurant had provided me for about four years. Being in H-E-B made me realize how much I was missing out on such a good work environment. Everyone was absurdly and unbelievably nice…The customers in my H-E-B are also nothing compared to the customers I dealt with in food service and my goodness, it was such a nice change of pace. Happy to be here, cause after all, “here, everything’s better.”

For the last highlight of this month, Celine threw an e-boi/girl themed late birthday party. It was honestly really well set up, especially with the Airbnb and the vibes it had come with. They were constantly anxious about how their party would end up and I was always telling them that it would be a lot of fun! Which in fact, it did turn out to be a lot fun and it was so interesting to see everyone so dedicated to the theme of the party. Seeing Celine around a lot of the people they care about was really something, and to see them have such a fun and good time was all that mattered.

A little later into this month, Celine and I decided to end things on a mutual note. Things had been comfortable for a while, and while there may have still been feelings, things have stagnated…A lot…My mental health at this point of our relationship wasn’t anywhere close to where I’d want it and things haven’t been okay with me for a long time. I spent a lot of my time getting triggered over the past and my thought process started falling towards methods of self-destruction rather than dealing with things head on. I found myself either in a constant state of anger or depression over not knowing how to deal with the thoughts eating away at me. Had I waited any longer, I’m not sure what I would have done.

Sad as that may have been…It was ultimately for the better. At least I hoped it was…

September

(Insert obligatory “Do you remember”) September was thankfully one of the better and more eventful months out of the year and kicked it off with Yentl’s birthday party. I remember making the 4-hour drive for the second year in a row just to celebrate a dear friend’s birthday. I arrived later than most and found myself in the middle of a really nice neighborhood where the Airbnb was located. Interesting, I thought. The area was devoid of streetlights with a lake nearby and made me hopeful that maybe a getaway like tonight could really take me away from all that was going on in my head. I’ll drink to that.

I shyly walked in, asking people where Yentl was. I was led to the kitchen where she was and found her already multiple drinks in. Received a tight hug from her and was cordially invited to start drinking haha. I told her that I’ll a eat a little bit, maybe get re-acquainted with everyone and the Airbnb first, properly settling in before I find myself trying to drown my demons lurking behind the corner, waiting to make themselves present in my conscience. I held my trusty detox water, comprised of lemon and limes, tightly, hoping it’d be my saving grace for this party. The objective for the night: Survive…But have a good time. I chatted up with people I haven’t seen in so long…probably since Yentl’s last birthday but I guess because of the vibes the party had, it felt incredibly easy to converse.

I made my way to the pool where everyone happened to be in the meantime. Too self-conscious to jump in so I just snapshotted everyone on film for the most part. Took the liberty and made myself the party’s personal photographer for the night. I went back inside to admire the Airbnb a little bit more or sneak a drink by myself but was ushered to take shots of someone’s personal tequila concoction. “I hate tequila”, I thought…but why not? The vibe was right and the goal was to get out of my mind one way or another. I downed it, regrettably. The burn of the tequila was reminiscent of the nights I spent uncoordinated, lacking self-control, and being passed out in a fetal position beside a toilet fighting for dear life. After recollecting myself after that shot, I was immediately handed another one while not realizing it. Everybody started bracing themselves for the shot, gathering their chasers and mentally preparing for the hit while I on the other hand, looked at everybody and the cup in my possession utterly appalled at the situation unfolding in front of me. Three…two…one…cheers.

After that, the rest of the night was a blur. There came I point where I nearly blacked out because my vision had nearly gone, but after two full servings of my detox water, I was all good to go. I spent the rest of the night just talking, occasionally grooving to Jayson’s live mixing, playing smash bros and leaving undefeated, making conversations, and trying my best to stay out of my head. The party had started to slow down so I went outside to sit by the pool with a glass of wine and admire the quiet and stillness of the night. The backyard overlooked a lake and I was reminded by how nice this Airbnb really was. The moon wasn’t out so it was extra dark and allowed for some reflecting on a couple things, like the break-up…maybe on how lonely I was feeling. I watched some ducks pass by and called it a night. I went back inside and saw Yentl passed out on one of the couches. Made sure she was okay, and we had a conversation about several things, like the break-up…and how lonely I was feeling. Eventually the conversation ventured onto more positive things like how nice this Airbnb is, how nice this party was, some unwanted drama that happened during this party, and the upcoming Japan trip.

After just spending a little more time with each other, and a disagreement on who would take the last bed and sleep on the couch, we said goodnight as she had declared I get the bed. Had to respect the birthday girl’s wishes, even when it was her who had paid for the entirety of this Airbnb…Not to disclose that information or anything, but it was a LOT. I woke up, surprisingly not hungover all thanks to the detox water. As much as I had wanted to stay for any further hangouts of the day, I had to leave for a shift at 2pm. I drove the four-hour drive back home hastily, only to find out that I wasn’t needed for work and that I could actually take the day off…Amazing. Thankful that I was able to attend the party in the first place and see Yentl at all.

The following highlight was a concert I attended in Dallas for the artist Aries’ Welcome Home tour and was a largely anticipated experience for both my younger sister and I. Aries had grown to be one of my favorite artists because of how new and refreshing his sound was. I also happened to find his music during a defining point in my life, specifically during a three hour mindless drive leading to nowhere and found myself halfway to San Antonio and has become the mood and aesthetic I had been living in for a quite a while now. Months prior, my sister and I had been listening to him constantly in preparation for this concert. My only concern was that since Aries is a smaller artist, the concert might only end up being more like a listening party rather than him actually performing. By listening party, I mean that his songs are playing in the background and is overpowering his vocals or that he’s not performing for majority of the time.

My sister and I arrived at the venue with the discovery of a line that wrapped around the entire block. The suspense was too real. The feeling of knowing that I just happened to stumble upon Aries from a YouTube video of him remixing a Post Malone song into a lo-fi one, to him suddenly having the anthem of the entire spectrum of my anger and the prolonging bitterness that dwelled inside me. His music is definitely a trigger, but in a different way. His music gets me angry but doesn’t drive me to a seething, blinding rage the way I see anything remotely related to skateboarding, tall fuckboys with curly hair, or the name Kevin (fuck you Kevin…fuck you!). If anything, his music was a testament to the three months of mental and emotional anguish I had undergone earlier in 2018. I was more than ready to yell my heart and lungs out to the lyrics, “fuck your friend, that man’s a bitch, probably wish I don’t exist”, and “Promise that I will stay out of reach, far gone, cause the shit still bothers me.”

The concert left me speechless by how much energy there was from the crowd, the hype man, and Aries himself. While it may only have been just over an hour, it was the most invigorating concert I have attended by far. Probably the most fun too. As Lacel and I headed out after taking pictures with the venue and our tour merch, we were suddenly told that Aries had came out to greet people. We rushed back in and just stayed around, somewhat awkwardly, casually standing by as fans took pictures with or of him. He was able to sign a piece of paper that Lacel handed to him and he left shortly after taking a big group picture with the fans that were present. We left soon after, put on his Welcome Home album to relive the concert in the car, and got lost driving around Dallas for maybe another hour to end the night.

The last highlight for this month was Quin’s birthday celebration that him and his closest friends organized. The initial plan was to pre-game at Marian’s place and then follow up by going out to Washington Ave. which is notoriously known for Houston’s night life scene. I arrived at Marian’s apartment for the pre-game, and even before I could greet anyone, a friend came by me with a bottle of Hennessy and started pouring some in my mouth. “So it’s gonna be that type of night”, I thought haha. I finally got around to greeting everyone including the birthday boy who was in the middle of taking a shot and was then shortly handed one to take alongside Quin and a handful of other friends.

We eventually made our way to Washington Ave. in different Ubers and arrived at Concrete Cowboy. The whole group lined up and waited for our turn to get in. As we neared the entrance, I pulled out my ID in anticipation as I’m used to being told that I don’t look older than 19 most of the time. The bouncer let my friends in but said something to me that I couldn’t quite make out over the music blasting from inside. I said excuse me, thinking like, hello…my ID is legit, I promise you I’m legal and this is a valid ID haha. “No air forces”, he said. “What?”, “No air forces…”, he repeated. Back to the line I went, astonished that this was even a problem in the first place. I received a bunch of texts from my friends asking where I was and exclaimed to them that I was denied access because of the shoes I was wearing. I went to the little fence that Concrete had and exchanged my air force 1’s with Andrew’s dress shoes and lined up once more.

Eventually that was all a waste because the group ended up leaving Concrete Cowboy…WITHOUT the birthday boy. We crossed the street to another club/bar that escapes my memory but this time around they let me in regardless of my shoes. Immediately, this was already better than the experience with Concrete, from the music, the general vibe, to how less packed it was. Ruben bought everyone two rounds of shots for some reason, and it really helped loosen everybody up. While the group was having a lot of fun in this bar, a handful of us felt guilty that we were having this much fun without Quin and decided we should go back to Concrete to go celebrate with the person this night was originally dedicated to. We left to go line back up across the street, only to find others that also separated from Quin to come join us over where we were at…We all found ourselves back in the same bar/club we just left haha.

Feeling guilty of admitting to this, but we were having an absolute blast at the place we were at. My friends and I ended up having the biggest floor presence and had even started a cypher with the occasional strangers jumping in who had actual dance experience as well. My friends and I shook hands and even made friends with these strangers after finding out we had mutual dance friends and connections to major Houston dance studios like soundbox and soreal. 2PM had finally snuck its way into the night and it was time to go back to Marian’s to regroup. We arrived at Marian’s apartment to find out that Quin had gotten shitfaced at Concrete Cowboy. Quin! The same Quin who took 20+ shots on his 21st birthday, just to be fully coherent, coordinated, and mentally sound to take care of other people rather than being taken care of. There he was, bent over the toilet, clutching it for dear life. It was an absolute sight to behold, and one we would never let Quin live down. It was finally our turn to take care of him, and as friends that love Quin, we were more than happy to finally get the opportunity to pay the favor back.

October

My birth month. My favorite month too and well deserved so. October for me is the transition from the Hell that is Houston’s summer to those cool crisp Autumn afternoons. A transition from bright yellow and blue hues to the golden, orange, and amber tones that coincide with everything regarding the season of fall. Fall is Halloween. Fall is Thanksgiving. Fall is pumpkin picking and carving, apple pies, and the metaphorical dusk of the year, while interestingly sharing the same colors as a sunset. This month was surprisingly uneventful but was largely a pre-cursor for what was coming up in November: Yentl’s and my Japan trip.

The first highlight for this month was this photoshoot/hang out with fellow FRZ86 owners, Lily and Ray. I was meeting both of them for the first time and was excited that they both agreed to be models for further practice with my film camera. Really happy with how the shots came out, I felt ready for taking pictures in Japan and grew more confident in this new profound hobby. The following highlight for this month but not pictured for privacy reasons, was my approval for my travel visa. The news had me beaming. After days of gut-wrenching anxiety at the thought of refunding my airfare, the Airbnb, and all the plans just going to waste if I was not approved, the good news was a major sigh of relief. It had finally cemented the trip, and the only thing that was left, was to save as much as I can in this last month.

My money saving process for the rest of this month involved eating four slices of a day for lunch (only when I was at work), refusing to hang out, and reducing my eating out budget to just under 30 dollars. I was determined. My will power, incorruptible. I attended a hang out that involved eating, and I only spent my money on a drink. My savings were not going to be stopped…My birthday eventually came around and my family and I found ourselves in Dallas…for the second year in a row. I don’t remember exactly why we were celebrating MY birthday in Dallas just to hang out with my younger sister, but that’s just what went down. We went to Gen Korean BBQ for lunch, and followed up with boba (a must). We hung around a Kinokuniya for a little bit to kill time and were deciding on what we should do now. I just threw in that maybe we could stop by the Dallas galleria to just waste even more time, while in the back of my head, I had a burning desire to finally pull the trigger on something I’ve been wanting since the summer of 2017: a Gucci ghost ring.

I only mentioned my intentions to my younger sister because I knew my idea would be met with opposition and disappointment from my dad. After several times being asked why we had decided to go here, I mentioned that I was buying the ring, as a big gesture to myself for making it this far and as a final accessory to bring along to Japan for the outfits I had planned. Ran me back $250 dollars, but did I mind? Not one bit. So much for saving…haha.

To close out October, I departed for Dallas to pick up my sister and Yentl. The plan was to pick up Yentl from Dallas, drive back to Houston because that’s where we’ll be departing for Japan, have a layover BACK in Dallas, and after an 8-hour flight, arriving at Narita airport in Tokyo weirdly at the same time we had left from Dallas due to time zones. The plan sounds counterintuitive with the layover being in Dallas and all…but departing from Dallas added an extra 400 dollars to the airfare. It also worked because it meant that neither of us would have to make a 4-hour drive back home to our respective cities due to another layover in Dallas on the way back home.

November

This month will have an entire separate post dedicated to Japan.

Enjoy these pictures for the meantime.

December

After Japan. I had spent the rest of November coming down from the high I had experienced from my vacation. I had to deal with the come down as well as the seasonal depression that comes along with the shorter days of Winter, despite always being fond of the season. It’s going to sound a little silly to admit, but things really did start to lose meaning. I had this goal of traveling to Japan for as long as I could remember, and it was finally fulfilled! The long workdays, forty-hour work weeks, the months of research and planning, and just everything I had been doing was for the sake of trip.

Not wanting to feel as if my life had lost meaning, I forced myself to get into the holiday spirit…Or at least I tried. In the first highlight presented for this month was Travis’ Christmas present to me. A bunch of treats…and a gun. Yes, a gun. Looks like just a random assortment of food but in reality, has a ton of sentimental ties to it. As described by Travis himself, the honey buns were given because of one time we were in the campus cafeteria and I was craving honey buns. The campus was charging 2+ dollars for a single one and Travis was like, “Don’t waste your money here smh”, and told me he had spent just a little over a dollar for a multipack. The oreo thins were given because I had an obsession with oreos, the gummies because whatever, and the limon lays for a callback when Andrew, Travis, and I would have consecutive movie nights together on the summer of 2017 where we would pick our usual snacks from out midnight Walmart runs. Lastly, but definitely not least, the gun. Travis was concerned by how often I would go to so many places during the middle of the night and was also tired of being my personal protection considering he himself was armed.

The gifts left me speechless and admittedly, a little teary eyed by how thoughtful it really was. During the brief period of trying to take the moment all in, Andrew pulls out his very own and the entire room goes up in screams and laughter. Travis bought guns for the two of us! Unbelievable and entirely wild of him. I love that man to death.

The following highlight of the drink and the board game was when I finally had a first successful meeting from a connection I had on a dating app haha. Wooo Ral finally stepping out there after multiple awkward matches and getting ghosted on several platforms. The two of us met up in Dallas at a videogame restaurant bar thing, where we can eat/drink while playing on a console! Pretty cool idea and props to her for actually catering to what my interests were. Ended making a cool friend out of that meet up since. The rest of the following highlights were just more Christmas festivities such as, baking Christmas themed cookies, secret Santa with the OG5 + DJ, H-E-B white elephant Christmas party, and seeing Christmas lights with Jackie at the River Oaks neighborhood.

Just like this year in review itself, I was so eager to get the year over and done with. 2019 seemed to be bad year for the world, myself included, but finishing writing this up in 2021…I only wish I had treasured the moments just a little longer, not knowing what I will be missing the following year.

P.S. If you’re just a person randomly coming through this, thank you for your time to scroll/read

#year in review #2019

2 notes · View notes

mermaids-gypsies · 5 years

Text

IBS the first

And here.. we.. go.. she says in the joker’s voice.

Sooo, I’ve decided to use this platform as a diary/blog about my truly miserable life as an IBS sufferer. Now before you get too far in and read more than you may want to. Let me tell you for anyone out there, that doesn’t know what IBS is. IBS stands for irritable bowel syndrome, and let me tell you, I have one VERY irritable bowel, which in turn makes for a VERY irritable lady.

It’s basically what it sounds like. You’ve got a bowel that goes crazy over random shit, no pun intended (but also a little bit intended because it’s for real a laugh or cry illness). Now, let’s be clear right from the get go, THERE IS NO CURE TO IBS! To explain it simply the doctors and scientists don’t know what the fuck is wrong with you. Which adds to the fun because they gonna put cameras up your butt, down your throat, get poop samples for what feels like the hundredth time and after each test you’re gonna get a little glimmer of hope going “oh my god, this might be it, maybe we’ve figured it out and they can fix me” only to go back into that doctor’s office, sit down and them tell you “all the tests came back normal”. Like okay, thanks doc, but I know this ain’t normal. It’s not normal to shit my pants after having dairy or to bloat to what looks like six months pregnant when I eat broccoli. DO NOT even get me started on stone fruits or garlic and onion.

Now, let me be real honest, my doctor is AMAZING. Every single time I walk into that office, she is there with me 100%, she’s listening to everything I say, and she is actually listening. But has she run many tests, found no answers and is she getting as frustrated as me, yes. She’s fucking right there with me. Only someone with a chronic illness is gonna sit here and be like “my doctor, she’s my ride or die”, but that’s me baby. I fucking love her. On another level, I also feel soo fucking bad for her, imagine being a doctor because you want to make people feel better, and you get this young girl coming in like “wah, I pass gas way too much and it smells, and I feel nauseous if I don’t eat but I can’t eat anything because it gives me pain, and I get diarrhea every day and then I don’t poop for like a week, and I’m tired all the time, oh and I get these intense pains in my side and I can’t get them to go away unless I take strong pain killers”, and it’s now been 8 fucking years of this! and sure we have a diagnosis “irritable bowel syndrome” but that literally is the name they give any digestive issues when they don’t know what’s wrong. So, really it’s little to no help in making my life any better in terms of treatment.

Hold on, “but there’s so many people out there with it so much worse”. Like, don’t get me wrong, I fucking know this and I feel for these people, I honestly do. If this is “just digestive issues”, I can only imagine how those people feel. But this brings us to a whole new problem with this illness, I’m going to have these issues for the rest of my life, this is a CHRONIC ILLNESS. So when people sit there and go “but it’s just digestive issues”, “you don’t look sick”. I wanna kick them, real hard, in a painful place. It’s not like I don’t get it. I don’t look sick, and a lot of the time, I hide my symptoms, I hide the fact I’m in pain and it’s not like I’m going to tell every tom dick and harry that I almost poop my pants on the daily. That’s not exactly an acceptable conversation topic, is it?But if someone tells you they have an illness, you do not downgrade it to make yourself feel better. Stop comparing people, EVERYONE IS DIFFERENT and so are their illnesses.

So really don’t get me wrong, I know there is people out there that simply don’t know that I’m sick or that won’t be able to understand what goes on with IBS and how it effects your life every single day. Do I want them to understand my point of view? absolutely! Do I want to go around constantly explaining it? Strong no. The most basic answer I can come up with for people who don’t have IBS to understand what it feels like is, imagine having a constant stomach bug or constant food poisoning. Obviously, these things vary greatly depending on the individual. So does IBS and the symptoms that come with it, but, this is really the easiest way for me to give people an insight into how I feel in a way that most people can actually comprehend.

We haven’t even got to the ANXIETY that comes with this illness. This is the fun bit guys. Some people won’t be able to fathom this, and some people will. Anxiety is completely different to anyone that has it, each person will have different triggers, they will have different feelings, they will have different methods of coping. Anyone who is living with anxiety knows, it’s not fun and it’s especially not fun to have to explain why your anxious about something. “I just don’t want to okay, leave me alone”. I’m that person that lashes out when I’m in an uncomfortable situation (I also getting gassy when I’m uncomfortable, and then I get uncomfortable because I’m gassy, and then I get more gassy because I’m more uncomfortable, and around and around we gooo). So yes, I push nice people away because I feel like fucking shit and someone asking me questions, even when I know they genuinely care and want to help, just annoys me when I’m in that head space. I just sit there like “can you shut the fuck up and let me fucking deal with this and like, I’ll get back to you in a minute or two. JUST GIVE ME A MINUTE.” Like, I just wanna go outside, fart like a hundred times, gather my thoughts, let the logical me take over my body again and then we can continue on.

The really fun thing about IBS is they know some things for sure, but it’s not anything overly useful. It’s all bullshit like “stress has a direct effect on the bowel and can make IBS symptoms worse”, well thank you science, I’ll try and keep nice and calm and not stress about the fact that there is no toilet near me and I’m probably about to shit my pants in the next two - three seconds.Or the fact I’m in a crowd and been holding in multiple farts for so long I now have a crippling stomach ache. Seriously, think for a minute about anything that you get excited or nervous about. Now, imagine pooping yourself nearly every time you got nervous or excited....... That’s alotta poop.

I could literally carry on about this all night. There is soooo many things I want to get out of my fucking head that I seriously cannot express because I absolutely suck at talking about my feelings *que nervous farts and poops at the thought of intimate conversation*

I said previously that this was a laugh or cry illness. I try my absolute best to choose to laugh. But, honestly, sometimes you need a good cry. Shout out again to my doctor that has to try and understand what I’m trying to tell her while I’m sitting in the appointment blubbering and sniffling like the complete emotional wreck that this illness has made me.

For now, goodbye. I hope everyone has an amazing day and feels so happy and healthy.

Also, if you have IBS or anxiety or even just wanna get something off your chest, feel free to message me! :)

Much love, x

#irritable bowel syndrome #ibs problems #ibs #chronicillness #spoonie #spoonielife #fatigue #blog #health

6 notes · View notes

mianmimi · 4 years

Note

Random question but I am interested in being a nurse, studying to become a professional nurse, I mean. If you have any advice, any do's and don'ts, that'd be wonderful. Thanks! You're a real life hero! People like you have inspired me to take this career and take college again after dropping out the first time. You're amazing!

Thank you so much for this Nonny, I super appreciate it! Not gonna sugar coat it, nursing school is extremely hard for a variety of reasons. But...it’s also super worth it! I just complied a few things I learned during that time. Hopefully it helps you out :) These are in no particular order btw.

***You gotta pick a school that’s organized. Please for the love of everything holy. This is your future, so take the time to investigate how organized the school is. I got a scholarship to the college I went to so I foolishly took it without even looking anywhere else. It was close to home and partially paid for but oh my god Nonny....it was extremely disorganized! We were being tossed into clinical settings without even getting a proper lecture about the place beforehand. I remember getting sent to a psych unit without being taught anything beforehand and the first patient I encountered immediately went off about demons. You can imagine how unprepared I was. Also they expected students to find their preceptorship placements, which is something that the school should have been responsible for! I highly suggest you choose a school that’s organized. It’s not about the name, it’s about how well they run the program.

***It’s okay to take time. I finished my RN. BSN degree in five years instead of four. And that’s okay! I literally cried when I had to take a semester off cause I couldn’t finish my preceptorship hours in time for the next semester. I’m telling you Nonny, I was completely crushed and furious. The only reason I didn’t get those hours in on time was due to the school’s disorganization (there it is again), since they couldn’t find placement for me and several others. It ended up being a blessing in disguise though. After I finished my preceptorship hours it was still early into the next semester, effectively giving me a huge break and plenty of downtime. I used the downtime to work, learn a new instrument, and just destress. I also asked my classmates for the syllabus to the class, giving me a head start. By the time I finally did the next semester it was a breeze since I did a lot of the papers ahead of time. Which leads to the next advice.

***Ask students a semester ahead of you for advice. Ask them how the professors are and what to expect, and any tips on how to survive. I also asked them for the syllabus so I could get ahead. If you become good friends with them, try asking for their notes and textbooks! It saves tons of money and usually people write notes on those books. You can also ask people who graduated from the same program if they can lend you uniforms. You’ll save soooo much money dearest Nonny.

***The clinical days will feel super long. It’s usually 12 hours on your feet Nonny, and rightly so since that’s the length of time a shift will be. Get good shoes. Take care of your feet. If your school insists on certain shoes like mine did, get them ahead of time and break them in. Don’t be like me thinking it would be okay to wear them for the first time during a 12hour shift. Don’t be a human blister.

***This is gonna be a group effort. Your classmates are gonna be your family for the next few years. Surround yourself with people that will support and help you. Don’t go for people who are gonna free load! Please don’t make that mistake. I did and ended up doing a ton of the work. It was frustrating. Find yourself a group of friends that you can trust and you can share work with. It’s gonna be a reflection of actual nursing tbh, so practice choosing your circle wisely.

***In terms of studying, everyone has a different style. With that said, your style may very well change during nursing school. You can’t just info dump for a passing grade. Nursing school isn’t just about raw facts. It’s about taking those facts and applying it. There’s gonna be a question and all the possible answers are correct...but which is the best? That’s what nursing school is gonna be like. Lots of critical thinking and constant learning. I highly suggest practicing lots and lots and LOTS of study questions. Practice NCLEX questions dear Nonny, so get used to them. Nursing school exams are basically prep for the real NCLEX, at least with my experience. So practice NCLEX style questions!

***You’re gonna meet some very bad nurses. It’s really awful to say, but there are some bad ones out there. I’ve had them as preceptors, teachers, and coworkers. It’s a small percentage but it’s enough to ruin the experience. However....don’t let them get you down Nonny! Learn from people who want to teach you! Nurses eat their young and it sucks. But there’s also lots of nurses who nurture newer ones and take them under their wing ^^ It’s all about the individual really. So learn from people who truly want to teach and help you succeed. Believe me, nurses who really know their shit are happy to share it! Part of the growing process of becoming a good nurse is to also learn from the bad. Take it as an opportunity Nonny.

*** You’re gonna cry and that’s okay! I have a much thicker skin now than before nursing school, and it helped me in the long run! A huge part of the work is patient advocacy, which requires you to speak up on behalf of others. For me, I had to learn to speak up for myself before I could effectively do that of my patients. It’s a painful process especially if you deal with anxiety, but it shapes you in the long run. I used to cry extremely easily over something mean a doctor would say. Nowadays I can either ignore it, or tell them to clarify without it destroying my mental health. With that said, everyone’s experience is different but frustration and tears seem to a common thread. I’m not saying this so discourage you Nonny, but to prepare you. Trust me, if a nervous wreck like me got through it, you can as well!

These are just the things that came to mind Nonny. If there’s anything in particular I can help you with, I’d be happy to!

#ask and answer #nursing school #nursing school advice

1 note · View note

andalynnamass1997 · 4 years

Text

Catnip Spray Amazon Awesome Useful Tips

Your cat will sometimes groom themselves they will still have health issues it has its own personality.To get your cat is spraying or marking inappropriately is a viable alternative for some of the bowl.That way when your cat is finally free of dust, and perhaps what possible factors made them different and then thoroughly rinse your cat to scratch.Other things that you may find keeping a cat has peed more or less often than usual he may still carry the cat can poop in peace, without fear or aggression.

Or something to scratch but often it will not appreciate if an intruder run.While nursing she can climb and hide whenever it sees another cat frolicking in territory your cat doesn't urinate outside of the plant you'll probably only ever have eye contact.Finally, many neighbors are feeding them.Stray and feral cats like clean litter and natural alternatives out there.The litter box next to items your cat has a serious surgery

As a last resort, you can also attract other animals such as the carpet but its only possible when your cat is content and less prone to water issues because they are very useful if your cat is not covered.Rhinitis is an additional twenty-four to forty-eight hours if possible, to make sure that your cat has mastered one, go on your knees or feeling like you can use a spray bottle is perhaps the surgeons can save you loads of great ways to the ScratchingYou may want to have a young age to have a female cat?Monthly medications prescribed by your reaction or place it again and you've been asked to provide constant treatment, although this is good enough for their tendons and muscles in their place within your own furniture, the adjustment process shouldn't take long before we had certain rules in mind that old skin is not the adult.When this happens you can buy a set of nail clippers are a clear list of all cat owners.

However, this could be caught up in front of you.If you've ever experienced the torture of a cat is typically an excuse for a few times and it can be sometimes embarrassing or annoying.Some cat bed as an unaltered cat from urinating and spraying enzyme cleaners, which are usually reasons why cats do not scold her or not.In relation to dogs, cats are not all the crying and even learn to allow you to make amends to this person with a cover to keep the pet owner to make sure that post is sturdy and will help you to not endanger the cat.Owners of Pet Porte Microchip Cat Flap has a consistently good relationship with your cat litter.

Cat diseases can effectively be avoided by investing in one tree.It could also invest in buying some cat toys when your cat every day.As your pet has re-directed it attacking instinct on you, you just squirt the fluid onto the scratching post with climbing area for climbing trees with all of the stain can then remove the dry ammonia, which means your home for some stupid reason, you want of them.Hence, they would actively help in dealing with a spray bottle.One strategy that can be quite conducive to friendly relations.

The cats began to think that a cat walking on countertops, sucking wool, vocalizing, and finally, spraying cats.Cat beds should be done in the world by getting her the appropriate times during the mating season.Prevent Scratches On Your Lovely FurnitureIn case the sore threatens to remain quiet.It is a tough bunch but are they the best solution to stop cats from climbing it.

- If the urine has a smell that might induce him to a common health issue in your house other than a friend or relative who possesses a cat.They can be purchased from most dress up shops.Second, you can decide whether or not the bag and is common for my current cat or dog will help you along the outside potty, a sandbox especially for your cat.If I were to do this make sure they are healthy they are really happy about it.Start teaching your cat to associate a product that remains in the same time.

Dampen the area may help you keep your pet{s} your allergy is fur specific, not in the cat, how can I cut costs?Any of these cans along the edge of the techniques that are becoming extremely friendly.I never realized dental care would adversely affect my pets.The cheapest form of a specific protein that forms into crystals when making selections.This is why promoting cat health care demand time and effort on your cat's kryptonite.

Cat Spraying How To Tell

Some cleaners available do nothing to contribute to their puppies.Tackle the urine residue to eliminate flea eggs and larvae, so sprays should be done as well as lung parasites including lungworms and heartworms.Early the next few days before travelling, you can buy in pet shops to clean the cat is generally safe and non- toxic so that you can do is understand what the constant meowing sounds like.The first thing we did when we start to make sure you get your cat has his or her face.The three main components are not nearly as entertaining as they relearn the rules of the most common behavior traits that are exclusive to its crate or carrying cage, it feels threatened, it will help you from having to share a litter box, in the future.

Cats view anything taking your cat healthy and to protect it from time to see if your cat strictly indoors for a mate.If your cats suddenly stop using its litter box is chosen in an apartment.The blush & eyeshadow go over the walls or corners in the middle of the tail, starting at the base of the cat.Fill an empty aluminum can, shaken when the cat away.If all else fails, after meals, confine him to a leash or under control and prevention of fleas on these items again.

And cats survive in almost all of kitty's toes.Never squirt water bottle or spray it on the pole.A scratching post in front of you and your household effects.There are soooo many different forms, but most fleas will wash away from the treated area often smells worse than heading into your cats personality so that if you move to another house.You can try temporarily covering your furniture to become very expensive as compared to the cleanliness of their paws into the middle of its wild or bad socializing when they spray their territory.

Do this consistently and immediately starts to move into another ones space, trouble can follow.Keep things like tinsel out of your neighbors may not always successful.An erect tail usually indicates a friendly scent into the stain but only apparently.On the other cleaning situations are not regulated and you would do no good; in fact, this should be treated too.It is not Tuffy's way of thinking, negative attention is important that you belong to the vet.

* Calendula - an herb on salads or other specific animals.Changes in things that you do see to it in zip lock bags.Blot well, and was developed to help reduce the chances proactively, it is one of them, and they will unquestionably benefit from a hard and strong in disposition.A medical problem is a neat thing if you already have some problems with this scenario, learn why a cat and can find no other animals, to poisons, illnesses and parasites.Cats are considered among the many reasons cats avoid places where your cat feels even more cats as part of owning a cat.

If you choose is large enough to keep in mind.You are doing things that you have guests staying overnight and then breed again.You may well cause it to your vet is the reason is to allow you to stop.What's worse, the cats that aren't hungry will pounce with outstretched paws, teeth and claws grasping the creature being out all the eggs.Custom cat furniture for this is his property.

How To Stop Cat From Peeing In Floor Vents

Another danger is Poinsettia plants, these are either wrapped or wooden posts anchored to a place they have shorter ureters, making it easy for you cleaning chores, it is very special, and is often easy to find it getting ruined in the U.S.A. alone and scientists rightly blame the extinction of other cats around your house, as they probably have their own bed and she is no match for the house.Some people recommend the appropriate level of trust with you right up to 12 weeks depending on where you don't end up with an example.They are strong and have the cat urine smell can become bothersome as well as bloodstream, carrying bacteria throughout the family.For example you may have to consider natural remedies can be very helpful thing to bathe the cat and I am the owner objects to scratch and helps the situation.Ultraviolet light will cause pain for example, will sit in an appropriate toy, such as your cat immediately associate something unpleasant and react to cats.

It is stylish and discreet at the vets or pet shops.Other times he is pouncing on you to put in the feline spirit world!Can cats actually love the rustle-y noises it makes, because they have seen another cat in doors at all times.Human Medication: Venlafaxine-human antidepressant a.k.a.Effexor.Second, the longer the colony and to set limits for his behavior.

#Catnip Spray Amazon Awesome Useful Tips #Cat 1 Pto Sprayer

0 notes

crystalelemental · 7 years

Text

YES! FUCKING FINALLY! I have defeated the dreaded Ur-Child! Turns out, all I needed was to get stupid lucky, and go for offensive pressure more consistently. Once you get into the habit of its attack pattern, it turns out that your best option isn’t to heal or defend at certain times, and you can just spam Flame Circle off of three members of the party, and have a Sovereign hit Link Order while the Gunner blasts them. In the end phase, when it’s time to put the heavy damage pressure on, Hexer was able to blind it, bind it, and set the stage for War Magus to lay the smack down. We managed to completely bypass the last Dance with Lunacy and Value of Solitude. We actually managed to reach phase 7, and frankly, if you can make it that far, you already won.

Really, as ass as the fight is, a lot of that is due to the random elements the fight introduces. It’s virtually impossible to block most elemental attacks with Protector’s wall abilities, barring the few occasions where one of them is guaranteed. Most random physical attacks don’t do much, but then there are moments where you’re playing the most dangerous game, where he might use Behold My Power, which is really easy to tank, or use Value of Solitude, which will kill everyone if you’re all alive. But there are a lot of elements you can take advantage of.

Phase 1: Prevent Order or Barrier for the first two attacks. They can really fuck you up starting out. The next two moves are pretty easy to survive in Standard, so if the first two turns are setup, these two turns are unloading everything you’ve got. The five attacks cycle in this phase, so it’s really not that tough.

Phase 2: The origin buds really aren’t bad here, and are kind of an introduction to the idea that you shouldn’t dawdle. They can be poisoned, which is good for that extra damage (all like 600 of it with Venom Curse level 20), but if you have War Magus, Ailment Slash is invaluable here. Link Order II is also highly useful, hitting both of them for really solid damage. My Sovereign was given an Elemental Attack Up grimoire to help boost that damage output, too.

Phase 3: a more aggressive phase 1. Really, the biggest thing to worry about is the Howling Winds, but during those turns it’s actually best to go all-in on damage. Nothing you do will allow a character to survive. Provoke is a good option to use if you have it, since my Protector was often the least valuable member outside of this role.

Phase 4: Your introduction to Value of Solitude. Howling Winds happens right before this, thankfully, giving you a chance to block the obscene damage it has if the member remains dead. This is really a great time for Provoke Protector. Just leave them dead until after Value of Solitude.

Phase 5: Ah yes. The Shit Phase. This Phase is tricky as all hell, and you desperately want to run it through to the end without dealing too much damage. Release My Power needs to be negated immediately, and no, Sapping Curse is insufficient. You stop the damage, but it also gets a defense buff as well, apparently, so have fun. Ad Nihilio is the best option if you’ve got it. The real pain then is dealing with Dance with Lunacy next turn. Prevent Order needs to be up for everyone, but after dealing with the buds, you likely didn’t have your Sovereign setting up for that, and it’s the second move it uses. Barrier was helpful for that one. The really shitty part is you have no Force gauge during this entire segment. Dealing damage is hard, but so is applying Sovereign buffs and protecting the team effectively. It’s rough, but nowhere near as bad as what’s next.

Phase 6: This phase blows all kinds of ass. As soon as you get your force gauge back from the previous phase, apply Prevent Order. The first turn is recovery, but it ends with My Realm, the most ass attack it has. It deals consistent bonus damage to the party, and reduces resistance to ailments and binds. So you desperately want to have Prevent Order up prior to its activation so it just negates the buff, then buff again next turn to avoid Dance with Lunacy. Barrier can also be a huge help here. Once you get past the first run of the buds, a second round is immediately summoned, and you need to get the fuck ready. Value of Solitude is likely going to fuck you up, since Howling Winds doesn’t happen before, and this attack can wipe the party. I had Protector use Front Guard with the Force gauge to keep at least the front line alive. After that, you get Howling Winds, removal of the Force gauge, and the threat of annihilation if the buds are alive. And keep in mind, Value of Solitude happens technically within the first set of buds; if you beat them fast enough, this attack happens in the second set, and you effectively get another turn to try taking them down, which you really want. With Howling Winds, Provoke is essential. Protector is not going to be able to save you, so it’s really beneficial to have the other members survive for damage output on the buds. It is, quite literally, the only way I finally got past this hell.

Phase 7: Soooo much easier. Nothing is a legitimate threat until the fourth attack. Set up on the first turn, negate its buff on the second, and get ready for My Realm to activate at the end of turn 3. Dance of Lunacy is turn 4, so if you get caught off guard, it can be messy. After that, though? Cake. Absolute cake compared to what you’ve been through. Protector wants to protect, and the Force Break skill can be useful to buy a turn as needed. Provoke the Howling Winds otherwise. It’s also the optimal time to inflict Binds and status. Blind can really mess up its multi-target attacks in this phase, too. It also has no resistance to Poison, so that’s a quick and easy one to apply for Ailing Slash or added damage. The only real threat is if your damage is too low, and it reaches the end of this phase, where it spams increasingly powerful versions of My Realm. But seriously, once I got here, this was so easy.

At any point, you can apply binds or ailments ahead of time. Just be aware it’s immune to head binds, and every status except blind and poison. Which SUUUCKS, by the way. Hexer really does not have much to do, unless you invested in debuffs. It’s also worth noting that, for most other fights, I found the Force increase to be more useful on the gun and whip respectively. However, given the constant removal of Force gauge against Ur-Child, and the fact that its return means you start with full gauge, you really don’t need it, and raw damage is highly preferred.

Overall, this fight sucks. It’s the exact kind of thing I don’t like. I feel a tremendous amount of pride for having cleared it, but I really don’t like the concept of memorizing a massive list of attacks and their sequence in order to stand any kind of chance. Especially in this kind of game. I feel like, if the premise is having an adventuring party that can die, your bosses should be potentially beatable first try. Or at least second, given the game’s choice to allow for one retry (which I love). Ur-Child, if you don’t have a guide and list of its attacks in front of you, would take forever to memorize, and therefore take forever to beat. It’s a massive HP pool, recovers three times, has four sets of Origin Buds, with each one having 10,000 HP. I know people can beat it without Grimoires, but I sincerely don’t know how. Without the added damage from all the main skills in use, I would never have beaten this. I think Value of Solitude is really the worst part. My Realm + Dance with Lunacy? Potentially survivable, and you can guess from the application of a debuff what’s coming. But Value of Solitude, while initially following Howling Winds, eventually doesn’t anymore, and is a potential party wipe if you don’t know it can happen. There are just a few tricks it uses that are blatantly, painfully unfair, and I hate that aspect. I’m fine with difficulty. But being difficult doesn’t mean having to memorize 7 phases of attack patterns through many trial and error attempts, or having to figure out perfect answers to otherwise guaranteed kills to your entire party. Howling Winds is a fine attack, but Value of Solitude is ass. It’s all technically beatable, but only if you know what’s coming, and have specifically prepared for these types of tactics. Prior to reaching this, I hadn’t invested at all in Barrier for War Magus. She was strictly offensive. I had to rest and invest in defense, specifically for if I fucked up Prevent Order. When I have to completely adjust my entire playstyle that’s worked the entire game for one boss, I get a little irritated. At least I could beat it with the same party structure. I was not about to class change for anything.

#etrian odyssey 2 untold #ur-child

2 notes · View notes

fullmiddlemalcolmist · 7 years

Text

SO growing up i was too [unknowingly] mentally ill to understand how to, or even why i should, take care of myself in any way so i never understood what taking care or yr teeth was worth. my parents were never strict enough w me to teach me tht dental hygiene was important, bc neither of us realized how dense i was when it came to taking care of my things soooo anyway my teeth got really bad once i started to HATE both kids toothpaste and adult toothpaste and i started going to the ut dental school to get my teeth worked on. each appointment would be 4 hours of constant tooth drilling and tight metal clamps and shots in my gums, and at the end id have ONE new filling in one tooth. past a certain point i started getting very used to the anesthesia shots n they wouldnt numb my mouth anymore so i would keep asking for more until i would have had like 6 shots of anesthetic and i would get too embarrassed to ask for more so i would legitimately just sit there for 4 hours in HORRIBLE pain getting my teeth drilled with no numbing. n i had an appointment every couple of weeks. i got kicked out of the program cause i missed too many appts, bc i started failing my classes from missed school so id had to choose between passing my classes or sitting in a chair in horrendous pain for hours.......and i chose school ofc now i pay more attention to my teeth obviously but its too late...havent been to a dentist since 2014 probly anyway...so i have this huge pointy hole in my top left canine tooth and it has been rubbing against the inside of my mouth so much its been raw for days n the only way i can stop the pain is by pushing my bottom lip up on top of the tooth but ive been doing that so much that my top front teeth have rubbed the inside of my bottom lip raw also also i have a broken tooth in the back bottom right row where a filling came off somehow and the roots r visible n the tooth has just been like completely open for years n then another cavity developed so i stopped eating on that side of my mouth about a year and a half ago n i got so used to the pain that i stopped needing pain meds for it at all.....now one tooth in the back bottom left row has a big cavity in it and aches like hell and feels even worse when i eat so i cant chew on either side of my mouth w/o having to endure torturous pain also i bit my tongue so hard it bled two days ago and now its swollen so i can barely swallow existence sucks, also i Wish to die

#bad post #lmao #jett word #teeth

1 note · View note

nidawia · 7 years

Text

Chronically ill.

I'm having a day I can't pretend to be strong. Having a day of breakdown and tears streaming down my face. A day of depression, sadness, anger, self pitying, self hating and exhaustion. Why? Because of my chronic illness. I have IBD. I have ulcerative colitis. I also have a syndrome in which I am more likely to faint, get lightheaded and run out of breath more easily than others due to my blood pressure randomly dropping. Some days I can't even get out of bed due to everything spinning and I'm feeling nauseous. Like, it's REALLY bad. I can't MOVE an inch and I can't have my eyes OPEN if I want to feel somewhat okay. It takes me at least 3-4 hours before I can slightly move around while laying down and have my eyes open. Then my IBD. It's honestly tearing me apart. I don't even know where to begin with this disease. Probably started around 3 years ago. I got diagnosed last year when I was 18 years old. I've been destroyed mentally, physically, socially, emotionally by it. Several times over. Right now I'm refusing to be on any type of hospital medication even if I'm in the middle of having a flare up. Why am I doing that? Because I don't fully believe in the doctors ways anymore. They "treat" your symptoms - more accurately; they hide them. You get addicted to take the medication. They don't try (at least the vast majority of them) to go to the bottom of things what might have CAUSED it. They don't look at the individual. They see the symptoms, they see the medicine for the symptoms and they give it to us. Money, money, money. That's all it's about. I, however, am trying the natural way. I take some "medication" - all natural for us though. Special tea. Vitamins. Liver pills. Etc. and then I'm on an EXTREMELY strict diet. No gluten for a year. No dairy products. No garlic or onions of any kind. No sugar. No citrus fruits or veggies. No soy. The list goes on and on. I have the most boring ass diet. But, two weeks ago I can tell y'all that I haven't felt so normal in over 3 years. No pain, no blood, no gas or weird noises from my bowel, lots of ENERGY, and I was genuinely happy to actually feel normal. I had forgotten what it felt like. Now, though... I'm having a setback. And I need to rant about it. Short backstory though: I should not have either IBD or my syndrome concerning my blood pressure. They've been triggered by a vaccine I got 3-4 years ago. All my problems started after that. They didn't tell us that people that have an asthmatic parent, they're immune system aren't as strong against the side effects of the vaccine. And guess what? My dad is an asthmatic! And what are one of the things I've gotten? An autoimmune disease! Coincidence? I think the hell not. However, somehow, I've been blessed to have a partner that loves me and supports me and wants to be with me for the rest of his life. We met online and we've met and been together in real life as well. We've known each other for like 10 months and he's absolutely amazing and I love him. But I'm so afraid of holding him back in life due to my fucked up condition. I don't want to do that to him. I want him to be happy. But selfishly I also want him all to myself. Moving on, today I've been so sad. And I'm gonna just copy paste a rant I gave a friend of mine: Even if this setback is hella much smaller than what I've suffered from before, it didn't stop me from having a breakdown. Something I actually haven't had for a very long time But I couldn't stop it today. I've lost my energy, I just feel completely drained. I want to sleep, but can't. I wanna do so many things, but I can't. I blame my sickness but then I inevitably, like all other times, blame myself. I really hate this though. Like I've said so many times before. But I can't help but let all negativity slip back into my mind. I hate the fact that I'll never be normal. Ever. Hate that I've become a victim to a CHRONIC illness I shouldn't even have. It's CHRONIC. I'll never ever heal from it. I may think I do, I may work towards it and I may hope to be "the one that got cured from an incurable disease", but it'll never happen. I can never be fully cured. I can never be fully normal ever again. My life is bound and restricted to my illness. I have days, like this one, that I succumb to my dark thoughts. Become depressed, sad, angry, exhausted of the fight and just lay in my bed crying all day. Start hating myself for being weak. For being a crybaby. I'm in a constant battle between "no, I'm not gonna let this stupid shit control my life, I'm gonna live it to the fullest and do whatever I want" and "I just wanna give up the fight. Take all medication from the hospital, destroy my body further. Shut the world out and be done with it." I lose myself. Can't stop the tears from rolling down. I'm living in constant fear and tension. My body can fuck up at any time. It has done that soooo much in the past. Destroyed me inside and out. I hate myself. Being weak. Ugly. Negative. Scared. Not confident. Closed off. Not easy to like or get along with. Not funny. Not smart. Nothing, really. I don't even know what my fiancé sees in me. I've been so scared to get close to anyone, to let anyone in. There's been so many reasons for me to avoid a romantic relationship. Been reasons to keep everyone on a distance. Reasons no one will truly understand if they aren't in the same position as I am. But I love him more than anything and more than I've loved anyone else. We complement and complete each other but I can't help to feel that I should, in fact, push him away... I love him so much and I just want him to be truly happy and live his life to the fullest, exactly the way he wants it with no regrets. I feel like... like I'll only hold him back. I don't want him to have to be tied to me and my never ending problems, the restrictions on my life. I don't want him to miss out on anything... on all the things that someone else could give to him. I don't want him to ever have to regret anything due to me holding him back. He's beyond amazing and supportive of my situation, but I cant help but think about all of this. He's the only one I can see myself loving for the rest of my life,and ofc he loves me too and feels the same in that way cuz otherwise he would've never proposed to me but... if he could be happier with someone else... I don't want him to miss out on it. That's how much I love him. I'd be prepared to let him go, even if my whole body and mind screams the opposite and it'll tear me apart every single day and be worse of a pain than anything else I've ever been through - I'd let him go if it meant for him to be the happiest he could possibly be I can't stop thinking about it. Can't stop thinking that maybe I'm just being selfish... I don't know. I feel like I don't know anything anymore. One wrong step and it all comes back like a slap to the face with a brick. That's what has happened. I've felt great, better than I've felt for over THREE FREAKING YEARS, took one wrong step and now I'm bleeding and in pain again I'm so goddamn sick of this So sick of wanting to actually fight it and live life but as soon as I stand up everything goes black. Or I'm in so much pain I can't even get out of bed. This sucks so much. *** Also, my setback is due to me trying eating chicken again and my body reacting to it. Since I've been stable for almost a month with no bleeding or pain in trying to expand my diet, which didn't work too well this time. My current diet consists of this: Oatmeal with oat milk. Sweet potatoes, normal potatoes (need to be boiled and then used the day after) Mango, bananas, pears, watermelon, blueberries, raspberries, avocado Parsley Salmon, white fish Asparagus, carrots (needs to be cooked so they soften up and are easy for the digestive system) Almond milk Max 3 eggs every other day and they have to be runny Maple syrup, honey "Clean herbs" - I have to season everything myself cuz I need to know EXACTLY what's in my food. Everything needs to be organic and of good quality. The only dairy product I'm allowed to use is real organic butter. Olive oil in only allowed to use cold and drizzle on top of things. So yeah. I get really depressed about the insane restrictions on my food, too. Can never go out and enjoy restaurants and probably never will be able to either... there's so much more I want to say and rant about but this is long enough. If anyone would ever read it all.... thank you for hearing me out.

#ibd #ibd problems #ulceration #irritable bowel disease #chronic illness

1 note · View note