#it’s been a struggle and unfortunately reblogs are nearly disappearing on tumblr

[bekkathyst]

I just posted several heavily discounted sets of crystals 🐉

You can find the complete list of available lots here!

[horansblvckho]

i disappeared/a chapter or request is late

g’day m8s!! i felt the need to make this particular post in light of my mental and emotional health struggles lately. sorry if this a dampener on the christmas mood but !!! i got a few assholes who feel entitled to my writing whining about it in my inbox (which is funny bc my recent writing has like one note hahahah)  and life ain’t always gr8! so without further ado, i present to you

Jay has disappeared! Here is why:

i am busy with work: i got bills to pay folks. and unfortunately, tumblr does not pay me for blogging.

i am busy with school: same thing but i got debt to increase.

i am not mentally present enough for tumblring: in other words, i physically can’t bring myself to do anything that requires intelligence, let alone crank out a piece. standard writer’s block. however, if it comes to this, i will usually warn you about the delay!

i am avoiding someone/something/an event on tumbrl: sometimes tumblr fucks me up. sometimes it’s seeing a triggering post. sometimes i get ignored and feel like shit. sometimes i convince myself i’m better off just not existing which leads me to the next reason.

i’m going through a depressive episode: shit happens. shit has happened to me. said shit makes me want to avoid nearly all human contact until i feel better! not much else to say there!

How get Jay back:

talk to me: literally the best thing you can do for someone with shitty mental health!! just talking to me human-to-human has the potential to solve 3/5 things on the preceding list!!

leave me alone lmao: i know it’s a juxtaposition at face value but i mean don’t nag me about the writing you are waiting on. chances are i already feel like shit because it’s late! btw by nag, i mean there is a huge difference between “hey! do you have an update on the eta for ____?” and “when are we getting the next part?? you’re taking forever, i’ve been waiting so long, it’s annoying blah blah blah...”

drop some love: idk how many times writers on all platforms have to say this, but getting a tiny bit of love goes a long way. reblogs, faves, replies, comments in the inbox. UGH. warms my heart and inspires me to work ten times harder and faster on (but still maintain the quality of) whatever i’m writing. seriously. when i got stuck writing Privilege, i literally just went and read all the tag comments (yes, i read those!!) of Rough Night to encourage myself. that shit really means a lot yo!

this concludes my half rant sort of psa. have a good one.

[angelicspaceprince]

Apologies and Help

I’m so sorry guys for the round of depression and suicidal and anxiety related posts over the last few days. I do have an explanation that I’ll put under a cut, but first I want to ask for your help.

First off, to those who messaged me, thank you. I’ll respond within the next 72 hours once I have internet. I read all of them I just didn’t have the strength to reply, I’m sorry about that.

Recently, I’ve been struggling will bills. I know owe over $3000 in AUD with debt collectors, friends and my own family, something I’m trying desperately to pay back. Unfortunately, my father has just lost his job, my mother is working 2 days a week and I’m still unemployed. So, instead of doing a plea and asking for donations, I’m instead asking for commissions.

Contact me with any form of Cross-Stitch or Crochet project you’d like done, I can only knit scarves so if you want a hand knitted scarf I can do that too. You have to have an image or a pattern so I can look and estimate a cost.

You can contact me via Tumblr, Facebook, Twitter, Insagram, Etsy or Kik and I will attempt to get back to you within 48hrs to negotiate a price and a estimated time of completion.

If you have a picture I will be constantly messaging you to make sure you like what I’m making, additionally I can’t promise anything from a picture. Pattern is a better way to go.

My Etsy and Instagram have tons of pictures of my crafts that I’ve done so far if you wish to go through what I’ve completed.

My apology comes with a suicide, depression and anxiety trigger warning. I’ve placed it below the cut.

So, as I said, I owe a shitton of money. And as of late my depression and anxiety has been playing up, especially since coming home for the holidays. The last three days, the pressure has really been on. I haven’t found a job, I’m broke af and I’m just not up to scratch.

Anyway, my family disagrees with my BPD diagnosis and has been very vocal about it, saying that everything I do is just a cry for attention and that I’m lazy. On top of that, I’ve been on edge because I’m near where J (ranted about him many times) now lives and constantly gets high which is when he is the most aggressive. That fear and constant belittling from my family has led to one of my worst depressive moments in a very long time.

I hid it for so long and pretended to be fine, but it eventually bubbled over and I’d spend the time between talking to my support network reblogging depressive stuff on Tumblr to make myself feel less isolated.

But, even though I tried I couldn’t tell anyone that I was attempting once again. I even said to my surgeon could he add an extra bit of morphine to make sure my sleep was a little more permanent. Which, of course, he laughed off as one of my stupid jokes.

I still haven’t told anyone how I feel, besides a brief conversation today with a friend, and even then the words didn’t come out right.

My mind feels like its going 1000 miles per hour in deep, thick, black sludge. Half the time I can’t tell if I can’t breath or if I just don’t want to. The pain is so strong, I have turned numb. I live in fear of losing everyone I love because I’m pathetic and this manifests when I make stuff for my friends without asking for anything in return. I just want to hack myself into pieces, I want to die in a bloody mess. I want to sleep and never wake up. But I also want to hide away and crochet for the rest of my life because its the only thing that keeps me mostly happy. I fear my friends will leave me because they realise I’m pathetic and fat and stupid and just wrong. I feel unworthy of their love and affection because surely I’m not worth that. I’m not worth their worries and concern. I love them all dearly but I fear that they secretly hate me in return. I feel unworthy of any kind of love, and I know I’ll never be in a relationship and I’ll never be able to successfully raise children. I go from feeling nothing to feeling everything so strongly it nearly cripples me and there is no in-between.

I’m tired and I’m lost and I’m lonely and that’s why I want to die and there is very little to stop me. All I have at the moment are my friends and my crochet and I’m pretty sure one of them will disappear on me one day.

Can you see why I just want everything to end?