#it’s only bad if i’m deliberately isolating myself

[gregmarriage]

feel like i always have to have something to say™️ when i text my friends, but like, i always have to remind myself that i could just say hi, or like send funny image™️ and it will be fine ☺️ <(clenching fists)

[salted-caramel-tea]

Are you fully removing yourself from dtblr now?

i’ve made a post with a brief summary of my thoughts and feelings right now but ur not the only person to ask so ill make another . the short answer is not really . long answer under the cut. we’re actually getting into my whole mental breakdown as well so tw for graphic desc of sa

i just need some time to figure things out . i know i sound like a broken record saying it but sa is not an easy topic to deal with for me personally . im aware that the situation was somewhat blown out of proportion and it doesn’t actually compare to the genuine coercion and force i experienced but the past few days have been heavy .

a lot of it is because of the frequency, i am so happy that people have been comfort so enough to come forward about their experiences but there has been a complete lack of nuance regarding all of these situations it’s been very reactionary and coming online seeing never ending untagged borderline graphic descriptions of sexual assault or rape affects me physically . it’s been 3 years and i still experience physical symptoms after being triggered . my ears start ringing, i get dizzy and out of breath and nauseous and i cry . bc i remember how terrible i felt . and nuts something that still affects my relationships to this day.

one thing about it is that i can really sympathise with caiti . our cases are different, i verbally and physically refused physical advances from my abuser but after it happened i found myself trying to justify it because I invited him to watch a movie with me I didn’t push him away enough and someone was interested in me!! at least someone was interested in me . and it’s why i have a hard time regarding the ‘regret’ comments . because i don’t know that if people knew my story they’d say i was just regretting being intimate with him and stating that because i now felt violated after regretting the experience it didn’t mean i was violated on the night . i don’t think my abuser knows what he did to me . but it doesn’t change the fact that he forced me into that situation . i also want to say i don’t really consider touching someone’s waist sexual assault . it can be a form of unwanted physical contact that makes you uncomfortable but the act unfollowed by any sexual contact is not sexual assault . i do believe her feelings are real however and i can sympathise with that delayed fear and discomfort .

this is not an isolated incident as i’m sure we are all aware . for as long as dtblr has been around there have been controversies of sex crime. a lot of them have been faked, we all remember the period of 2021-22 where there was a new burner account every week accusing a member of the dteam of sa until bbh threatened legal action against one of them . and then there was the drituation . although these were faked, they contained extremely triggering details of grooming and assault. i needed time away then too . i’ve said this through every drummy ache but nothing is worth our physical and mental suffering. there is no creator no person that i would allow myself to suffer for .

the internet is reactionary. people will say things and blow things out of proportion to further their moral activity even if it means deliberately spreading triggering misinformation as a punch in the gut to make people agree . i’m not talking about the victims right now but rather the reactions from fans . over the past few weeks we’ve seen allegations of varying degrees aligned in badness with one another when that simply isn’t the case . sensationalising trauma is the new in thing and it prevents private conversations where there should be some and it’s encouraged by fans online so they can get a fix of their daily drama .and i understand it’s because it’s involving large creators and people want to spread awareness of their behaviour but the line has to be drawn somewhere between what should be public and private matters and there has been a mix of both in the past few weeks .

this need to ‘take down’ someone as opposed to discussing matters in a private setting to come to an understanding of the events without the influence of the public has created a spectacle of sexual assault. anything that is mildly uncomfortable or inappropriate is being labelled as on par with sexual abuse or rape which is not the case at all and it’s creating environments that are actively harmful to survivors by having their traumas brought up where it isn’t necessary or equating people who have made mistakes or bad decisions to their abusers .

this is something that has been ongoing since 2020 and will continue to happen with varying degrees of validity behind these comments and its up to us as viewers to decide what’s real and fake depending on the evidence before us but we don’t know what’s been taken out of context what’s been fabricated what’s straight up slander vs what is real admissions of harmful behaviour and its exhausting to wade through . it might seem selfish that i’m kind of saying i don’t want to know about other peoples sa experiences but i dont . i don’t want to have to wade through pages upon pages of details or hours upon hours of proof to accuse or debunk someone of a topic that physically affects me .

i’ve already said i’m not becoming an anti i hold no serious denouncement of the dteam at all but i need to consider fandom dynamics and if i am willing to deal with these accusations over and over again because we all know it’s not going away . dream had people ADMIT they faked his grooming allegations and it’s still held against him . george did make someone uncomfortable and it’s not up to me to dictate caitis feelings on that but george’s perspective does put into play a perspective of body language that is being weaponised to jump to sa rather than bad communication and awareness of the situation . it’s a lot . and i need time to get myself into a better headspace and figure out if im willing to be involve in further reference of these events .

and also fuck quackity bc ppl are using the past few days to say oh quackity is the only good one left as if he’s not literally being monitored by international labour unions

::

im adding on a few things . i am uncomfortable with the way some people have been making light of the whole situations here . there’s borderline (fully) misogynistic posts flying around that are being shared as jokes and memes but it really diminishes the weight of some of the situations at hand and as well as the very real women discussing their situations . im not calling anyone out bc this is has been shared all over my dash so its clear that this is just a preference of mine that i personally find discomforting but i hate the way it makes me feel seeing posts relating abuse of women to homosexuality even though it is in a joking manner it just made me really uncomfortable .

im also tired of the words abuse and assault being thrown around without grounded evidence. there has been no sexual situations as far as we are aware . there has been no sexual contact as far as we are aware . there needs to be distinctions between what is discomfort or creepy and what is exploitation or abuse . i’ve been around lots of creepy guys but only one has sexually assaulted me . throwing words around without any substance behind them diminishes the value of the word until people see it as just another insult . by insinuating touching someone’s waist, although uncomfortable to caiti where she was unsure how to address she did not want that to happen, is a form of sexual assault it creates a form of radicalism of sexual abuse where it becomes is every uncomfortable touch a sex crime? no it’s not. it’s going to trivialise what it means to have been assaulted and being invalidation to victims from wider audiences with lines like ‘let me guess a guy touched your shoulder and you screamed assault’ . we are already blamed for what happened to us and to further trivialise it by mislabelling your discomfort and bad experiences as abusive or exploitative it’s providing a potential fan to those flames . and that’s why i say although i believe caiti is valid in the way she feels that her discomfort and delayed trauma is valid i do not believe she was a victim of a sex crime but rather she was in a position where she was made uncomfortable by a creepy older guy .

im also just so fucking tired to logging on to sex scandals of the dream team where everyone was 18+ and no sex occurred because at that point it’s just digging up anything you can to prove someone else’s hypothesis to be semi reality .

george did fuck up . he made a very young woman uncomfortable and should have prioritised reaching out to her to apologise for her discomfort and subsequent emotional weight instead of an extremely defensive take that, yes, can provide further situation but ultimately comes off as a take disregarding of the very real feelings that caiti was experiencing in order to prove people wrong . he is allowed to defend himself but the emotional impact on caiti should have been a lot better acknowledged . i just wanted to make sure that people were aware that despite the fact i do not think george is a sexual predator and that it is a phrase being extremely abused by the internet, i do believe he did something wrong in this situation .

this whole thing is messy and complicated and exhausting and punz needs to shut the fuck up nobody cares

[laniemae]

I feel so bad for everything that’s happened. I guess I feel too much like I need friends especially with all the problems I’ve had in real life. I feel like I constantly let down everyone and overreact to where everyone hates me, and I get spiteful when others have fun without me, deliberately excluding me or not. And I take extreme measures not to feel lonely as I do in real life where I take everything in my favour to spite whoever hurt me if nothing I do is accepted. And I can’t feel as I can accept myself if I don’t feel so by others.

I just didn’t want to feel lonely, and have friends who I could talk about stuff with. And if not much people talk to me or reassure me I feel like they hate me even if I know it’s not true. I feel like I’ve been so isolated forever I don’t know how to deal with situations like this, and they keep popping up no matter how many times they happen. And for people saying they’d help me but go ahead and call me awful things I really don’t want to live with this.

I don’t wanna delete my account anymore, even if it’s just people online that I happen to talk to slightly more and about my favourite things they’re still friends in my eyes. I guess to fill the hole that the lack of friends in real life leaves. But I don’t know if I’m just selfish or desperate to get along with everyone I act out like this and resort to extreme measures to forcibly make things better. Which only makes people scared of me and myself, and I can’t even tell if I’m just scared of everyone or if I’m in the right assuming everyone will abandon me at the slightest opportunity, and already have. And that my actions have let everyone down where they’re unable to forgive me.

[kanerallels]

Re: homeschooling. There is ALOT of stigma, but I’ve heard the stigma is much higher in the USA than elsewhere, and this is an American site so all polls results are skewed to an American world view. So there’s that, what fears exist there that influence the vote? I’ll try to summarize. I’d be interested in a poll from everyone else. Also the points I’m gonna cover are just what I’ve heard over the years, and over the border as a Canadian myself, who only homeschooled for a few of my years, so it’s not iron clad or anything. Just some possibilities.

The stigmas come from the idea that it’s bad because there are, unfortunately, a lot of people who don’t do it right, or for the right reasons. The main objections are these kids are completely isolated socially, underprepared to function in the real world, and that they won’t get a proper education - either from ignorance or malice, or both. There may also be unconscious bias that the state (not the American sense of the word, but the institutional sense) knows best and how can parents know what to teach? Which probably feeds back into factors I don’t really have the qualifications to talk about but basically boil down to “if you educated them better they won’t be mindless minions for the capitalist/military/prison grind” - the state does not want that, so they purport the idea that it’s bad (yes that borders on conspiracy theory, not saying it’s true, saying I’ve heard this said). Never mind public education is a fairly new concept, historically speaking (and it is a good thing in many ways! Mandatory, free, basic education has eliminated illiteracy in many places for example. The concept started out with worthy goals, etc - have they strayed from them and why? Lack of care or just resources?)

Obviously, all of that is going to vary by who is doing it and why and if they have the time and resources and desire to do it properly.

Socially, you can absolutely create community elsewhere - when my mom was doing it with us, we went to the library every single week and met up with a bunch of other kids and planned social stuff and educational group trips to places like the science centre and the art and history museums. We mixed our book learning with practical skills - one person knew a sewing teacher, one person negotiated a discount for swim lessons, the library offered French lessons among its many other programs. And of course to supplement grade standard education lesson books, like math, spelling, etc, we were ALWAYS taking out books from the library, both fiction and non fiction. So there are absolutely ways to get a rounded education and a social life. I would say even more so now than when the concept was new for me 15-20 years ago.

But on the other hand, there are the horror stories, and success stories don’t circulate half so well. The people who isolate their kids to abuse them, don’t teach them anything, make them do chores all day beyond age appropriate responsibility or physical ability, etc. also the deliberate obfuscation of certain information or topics because of personal ideology, usually religious, because you know. Somehow education equates belief (sarcasm. Example: I learned people used to think the world was flat. Guess what? I don’t believe that).

These are just some random thoughts, feel free say it doesn’t make sense lol. I do believe if that’s what you want to do, and you have the love and time and ability and patience etc, and financial freedom for at least one parent to do it (someone’s gotta work unfortunately), then go for it. But do it right, and find as many resources as you can. Unfortunately there are people who go into it without preparation and for the wrong reasons and I can see why people believe kids need access to third parties somewhere in their lives, and school might as well be it. Like there’s very much merit and drawbacks on both sides. I think there’s kids who could come out from both systems with abysmal skills, and from both with stellar skills, (I’ve met both types), it’s just really gonna boil down to individual circumstances.

This is all really really interesting, thank you for the ask!! I knew some of this stuff but not all of it. And I don't think I knew you were homeschooled at one point, that's so cool!! (Oh and you're never gonna hear judgement about conspiracy theory sounding stuff from me lol)

[everyonewasabird]

Brickclub 5.8.3 “They Remember the Garden in the Rue Plumet”

I hate this. I’m having trouble even participating in Valjean’s grief that Hugo wants me to feel, because the way this book treats Cosette at this point is so fucking bad it’s all I can focus on. There are absolutely ways of talking about the disparities that happen when one person has a whole life and a person they genuinely love has only them and nothing else; that’s a hard situation, that leads to tensions. But the way the narrative talks about Cosette is as if she makes no observations and has no opinions or thoughts other than how great Marius is. The narrative is absolutely bent her having no negative reaction to anything that’s going on, as if her head is perfectly empty.

Fuck you, Hugo.

Every time we see an actual record of her dialogue it becomes clear that’s not the case, but we’re not getting that this chapter.

I hate it so much.

Marius’s crimes here are at least deliberate on Hugo’s part:

"We have said that we would go to see our garden in the Rue Plumet again. Let's go. We mustn't be ungrateful.”

He’s using that devastatingly loaded word “ungrateful,” manipulating Cosette into going away to the garden and forgetting her father the way his grandfather manipulated him into forgetting his own. “Ungrateful” isn’t a particularly important word for Cosette--yet--but she’s happy to go out with him. It doesn’t occur to her that this is all a ploy to separate her from her father because why the fuck would it, that’s fucking nightmarish, and she’s seventeen or eighteen years old and not automatically looking for ways her new husband is lying to her and isolating her.

Was there, then, some truth in that comparison of the chrysalis which had occurred to Marius? Was Jean Val­jean indeed an obstinate chrysalis, who came to visit his butterfly?

This feels to me like a deliberate, ironic callback to the use of “ungrateful” above. A butterfly’s chrysalis is just like the rotting fish, or the wilted flower, and so on--it’s another one of those items from the convent passage about used up things demanding to be loved as if they were current, threatening their discarder with “ingratitude” for not needing them anymore. Marius has always been incredibly weak to that argument, so it’s pretty rich of him to say Valjean is a used-up thing that shouldn’t presume on old acquaintance.

I do really believe the text knows Marius is being fucking awful here. The problem is, the text knows he’s being shitty to Valjean--I don’t think it has any idea he’s harming Cosette. Which is terrifying: Cosette’s manipulative, underhanded asshole of a husband is trying to perpetuate on her the abuse that was done to him--for exactly the same reasons it was done to him: your father is a brigand! I want you all to myself! I want total control over you!--and all this book can think about is how that impacts her FATHER?

Fuck you, Hugo.

Valjean’s dialogue gets weirder, imitating the things he thinks Cosette wants to hear now: how she should buy herself pretty things because wealth makes everything better (is everybody gonna imitate Gillenormand this chapter?) and extolling the virtues of Marius, because he’s a subject she likes.... it’s bad. I hear the depression talking, obviously, but I wish we got some indication of how fucking weird it is for Cosette to talk to a father who’s trying to phase himself and his own opinions out of his dialogue. And, of course, he talks about the old days with Cosette, because he can only focus on his past with her, he’s cutting himself off from the future.

And then Marius escalates his slow campaign to ice Valjean out of Cosette’s life entirely, sending passive aggressive unwelcome signals through the furniture, talking about eschewing Valjean’s money. Again, Marius refuses to explain anything to Cosette, so she goes to Valjean hoping he’ll actually talk to her. Valjean, of course, upholds Marius’s bullshit and tells her nothing. Meanwhile, he takes the blame for all Marius’s horrible furniture moving, because obviously it’s better that Cosette think her father doesn’t care about her than letting her know that her husband is a fucking manipulative nightmare who’s ending the other most important relationship in her life via some underhanded bullshit with the chairs.

Between the two of them, they gaslight Cosette very effectively... and again, the narrative sees zero problem with that.

Finally, Valjean stays away two days, which is his own bullshit test of Cosette: she doesn’t realize it was two days rather than one, she doesn’t call him father when she inquires instead of the thing he asked to be called, she sends a servant (as is normal and customary) instead of coming herself--therefore it’s over, she doesn’t give a shit and she doesn’t get to have a dad anymore.

If any of this fucking book involved acknowledged that any of what happens in this chapter was shitty to Cosette specifically, I would be on board for it.

It doesn’t, and I’m really fucking not.

[absurdist-void]

Last night I took a bath and realized I haven’t dreamt about Sam in a while. Probably for the best. Hope he died.

When I fell asleep during a nap, I became lucid. I found myself in a modern office building. Big windows. Sterile. A lot of space and not enough decoration. Very corporate. Isolating.

I walked around and looked for anyone to mess with. In lucid dreams, I like to be sadistic and play with people like they’re Sims and I’m their pool ladder deleting god. Well, I don’t actually like killing them. I like psychological torture more. When they’re dead, they’re boring.

My mental state is very different from how I am when awake. I have a hard time being mean to people unless they’re mean to me first. In lucid dreams, I’m a traumatized little sociopath.

No one in the building caught my attention. The building was only filled with maybe 5 or 6 men in suits. Boring targets.

I tried to summon people to play with. No one appeared.

I walked into a bathroom and washed my hands and face. I felt ill and tired like I had the flu or a bad hangover.

I got a funny feeling that Sam was somehow involved.

Even though I felt terrible, I was also bored and horny.

I called for him out loud. At first he didn’t appear.

I sat on a couch in the middle of a room, and unzipped my pants.

I yelled, “I guess I’m going to have to pleasure myself if nobody else is going to show up.”

Like the dog that he is, he appeared next to me.

I told him to take me somewhere else because the office building was boring.

He picked me up and carried me.

When he appears, he likes to carry me around. It also feels like he’s attached to my back like a monkey clinging to me or a heavy backpack.

He took me into a red, black, and gold gothic Victorian

There were clothes strewn across the floor. I noticed women’s dresses. Short, silky. Dresses you would wear to a club.

I assumed they were deliberately placed or left there.

I snorted. Typical.

In the middle of the room was a large coffin covered in roses. The room had no other furniture.

I wondered if he slept in there like a vampire. It would be very on brand for him.

I laughed. “What? Are we going to fuck in a coffin?”

We did not. In fact, I think his entire goal was to annoy and frustrate me.

At time went on, I got more annoyed with him and started arguing. I was tired of being carried around like a child and tired of whatever stunt he was pulling.

My annoyance turned into anger and I wanted to fight him.

“I bet you wouldn’t do this to L. She wouldn’t allow it.”

I implied that he shouldn’t treat me differently just because I’m a squishy human.

He chucked at that.

I think I annoyed him with my complaining. He squeezed me tighter to the point where I felt my organs being crushed. This is something he does when I get too defiant.

It felt like he was trying to crush me into two. It is some of the worst pain I’ve ever felt. Like a combination of kidney stones and having your guts reorganized.

I pushed through the pain and told him to gut me if that’s what he wanted to do. Don’t just be a tease and threaten me with a good time.

He continued to squeeze.

My voice got deeper, raspy, and demonic. Like Linda Blair in the Exorcist. It was like something inside me took over. I threatened him to stop or I was going to crush him like a worm under my boot.

He threatened to rape me with a barbed cock. Every time I tried to pull away it would tear me up.

I had enough and woke myself up.

[mirrorofliterature]

ron & percy: some sunday evening thoughts

brought to you by your local percy weasley lover who is fond of all the weasley siblings and regards their parents with a healthy dose of scepticism who is currently in italy.

okay, italy aside, let’s get into some rambly thoughts.

so I’ve mentioned a few times ron & percy’s similarities and parallels: their tempers, appearances.

and well, admittedly the only time I’ve substantially written ron in my writing has not been in the most flattering light.

and I want to explain myself, as I do genuinely love ron. he’s not my favourite character, but he is a character I quite like + an interesting and lovable character who gets way too much hate. it’s a bit of a long scene, but not that long, so I’m going to extract it in fall under the read more to save people’s dashes.

A fortnight after Fred’s funeral, sparks fly between Ron and Percy, barely not literally.

Percy had come for lunch, after firmly refusing their mother’s requests to move back in, and he had offhandedly mentioned Harry.

How is he?

Ron, who has been an unlit tank of gasoline lately, took that as a challenge.

Why would you care? Wasn’t he a ‘bad influence’ who was ‘clearly deranged’?

Percy snaps back: don’t be so immature, Ronald.

The full name, the belittlement, cracks Ron’s composure completely, and he decides to come, claws out, for his brother.

It’s a thought that flits across Ginny’s mind less than some people may think: my brother is an asshole .

But it does occur, and often it’s flippant, meaningless, yet now -

“What do you know about the war,” Ron says, with an ugly sneer, “you didn’t fight in it.”

Here, this is deliberately meant to be misplaced insecurity (well, even if I left harry and hermione, at least I did more than percy, who I was told was a thousands time better than me for most of my adolosence [don’t compare your kids, not healthy]).

Percy’s face is bright, furious, as his ears redden. “I fought in the battle.”

Ron scoffs, crossing his arms. “And what else?”

Ginny loves Ron, but he has been so isolated this past year, barely peeking into the horror of Hogwarts or the shitstorm at the Ministry.

Ron forgets, sometimes, that he is not the only one deeply, irredeemably traumatised by the last year in his family.

“More than you know,” Percy retorts, tight-lipped, before spinning on the spot, the resounding crack loud.

The following silence is even louder.

Ron has quietened, now pale-faced. Percy gone, his rage dies, and remorse dawns on his face. He pulls at his already dishevelled hair. “Shit,” he says, a wild look in his blue eyes, “what did I just do?”

Ginny rolls her eyes, in a way that tries and fails to imitate only annoyance at her brother’s careless words, not fear.

So this scene was written quite early on in the drafting process.

Ron struggles to deal with negative emotions productively and this is just after the war - his brother just died, he was on the run for one year - he’s a live wire, basically. Very traumatised, a mild touch of survivor’s guilt and guilt from abandoning Harry and Hermione for a while, and he’s not getting the help he needs. Ron is grieving and angry and hurt - and I decided to write that as Ron with his temper very reactive, very quick to respond and fight, and still struggling with his own perceived abandonment by Percy - because although Ron may have tried to hide it, he was deeply hurt by Percy’s betrayal.

I think, ultimately, that Percy and Ron would repair their relationship, but it would take time. I closed their interactions off with this:

He peers at her, suspiciously. “Oliver told Ron to fuck off, so I didn’t get to speak with him, not really.”

Because Oliver is deeply protective of Percy, who probably came home a little mess from his brother (accidentally or not) targeting his biggest insecurities.

And then another mention here:

Repairing her relationship with Percy is tentative, but Percy is earnest, much more willing to take steps towards intimacy with her than he is even with Ron.

Even with Ron suggests a certain closeness or intimacy between the two - and I think that as much Ron griped about Percy, I do think that it’s pretty typical sibling stuff and that Percy was probably one of the most reliable people in Ron’s life for years - who may not have been the most fun, yes, but who would stick up for and support Ron, and when he stopped that, Ron was deeply hurt. He takes things very personally (see Harry and the Goblet of Fire situation). And, of course, in Ron’s eyes, Percy didn’t trust/believe Harry. (I’ve discussed previously how I view Percy’s break from his family ultimately stemming from a deep distrust for Dumbledore and broken interpersonal dynamics and Harry was just the convenient explanation, but I digress.) And Harry was Ron’s best friend, ride-or-die. Of course it cut deeply and their relationship is probably going to take a while to repair, but I think they have the potential for a close relationship after the war.

A lot of their friction - as seen in the fight above - is that they are too similar. Similar tempers, particularly, similar insecurities, but they express themselves differently.

Final interaction, at Ginny’s graduation ceremony, is this:

Percy, ever the courteous one, reprimands Ron with a stern yet fond look

Percy is Ron’s true older brother, and they love each other, but it is messy. By true older brother, I mean the age gap between Bill and Charlie and Ron is so substantial that they are more like fun cousins, whereas Percy had to do the hard work of actually being an older brother. Anyway. Maybe one day I will write more deeply on the subject instead of my messy evening rambles.

[stevensaus]

The Casual Disregard Of The Neurodivergent Voice

I had the pleasure of watching the 2017 BBC2 TV movie "Chris Packham: Asperger's and Me" (IMDB, BBC) recently. The whole film is (as far as I'm aware) NOT available for purchase or viewing any longer, although Packham's new documentary, Inside Our Autistic Minds, is available on the BBC iPlayer for those in the UK. There were two brief instances from "Asperger's and Me" that really highlight why I have such a big problem with Applied Behavioral Analysis (ABA) as well as its largest proponent, "Autism Speaks." I excerpted the two clips for this discussion (YouTube, Vimeo), though I've transcribed the audio below if you cannot watch or the embed is broken. In the first section, Chris Packham (the host) is speaking to Joann, whose autistic son is being treated with TMS during a clinical trial. PACKHAM: You’ve brought up an autistic son. I think a lot of people probably don't realize the enormous amount of energy and the difference that impacts on the family. that's hard. JOANN: it's very hard and that's why autism is very isolating for families. it's it's exhausting to meet the needs to meet the safety, you know, there's divorce, there's bankruptcies... because everything goes into the safety well-being and treatments for our kids. PACKHAM: it's it it is you know painful to watch I've been there I've struggled myself so you know in that sense you know you're looking for any form of cure at times you see him failing and that's that's uncomfortable. If another therapy arose whereby you could cure autism. What would you think of that? JOANN: I think on a bad, frustrating day, I'd say yes. I think on a day like today, where I've never been so proud of him, I'd say no. It's complicated, but on the on the bad days, absolutely. There's two things of note here: Joann's not quite hidden reaction to the idea of a "cure" is the first. The second, and more important one, is that while Packham speaks of the the challenges his autism has caused for him, Joann (without malice) focuses on the ways that her son's autism has effected the family. The second clip is a stark contrast. In this section, Packham interviews Vincent Strully, who founded the New England Center for Children, which heavily relies on Applied Behavioral Analysis therapy. During the introduction to this bit, Packham commented on how unfriendly the school Strully founded is for those with sensory processing issues, which is common in autistic people. Strully compares ABA to "chemotherapy," awkwardly trying to joke that chemotherapy was originally considered "poison." Except that is a fairly accurate description of chemotherapy -- it's just that chemotherapy is designed to kill the cancer faster than the patient. Strully, who is NOT a doctor of any kind, as he only holds a bachelor's in political science, is clearly unaware of this fact. Yet Strully has unexpectedly made a perfect analogy. ABA is about deliberately removing autistic behaviors so that "professional observers would not be able to tell the autistic child ." The question -- just as it is with chemotherapy -- is whether or not that treatment is worse than what it proports to cure. That is a deeply personal and subjective question with chemotherapy, and one where there is no one-size-fits-all answer. Packham muses on this throughout the documentary. He recognizes that he has relatively low support needs, and while the world may be difficult at times for Packham, he recognizes that other people with higher support needs may have a far worse subjective experience. Strully, on the other hand, has absolutely no hesitation in knowing what is "best" for other people. STRULLY: This is educational chemotherapy for these kids. Who wouldn't deny them the chemical or medical chemotherapy they need for their cancer, but to deny them the the work that we and our colleagues around the country are doing successfully? Is, you know, it's just wrong. PACKHAM: If you could, would you cure autism? STRULLY: If I could, of course. And that would be a prayer come true. Strully's language makes it clear that he views neurodiversity as a disease -- he literally compares autism to cancer -- and that the goal of the treatment is to make autistic people more convenient for society, not the other way around. The quick, thoughtless arrogance that Strully shows here seems like it should be the exception. It is not. Physicians -- even those who are the heads of "Autism and Psychology" at major healthcare corporations -- who acknowledge that "each person with ASD presents unique experiences which can make finding effective care more difficult as it’s often personalized to an individual’s specific needs" will then immediately turn around and advocate that ABA therapy is the appropriate therapy for all autistic people. While "Autism Speaks" continues to receive criticism from actually autistic and neurodivergent people, the organization -- which is also a staunch advocate of ABA -- is regularly cited by network and cable news. The optimistic part of me thinks that ABA's popularity is due to big business, with its largest proponents and advocates either not being qualified (cough Strully cough) or are burdened with enormous financial conflicts of interest. The pessimist side of me thinks that ABA's popularity is because of its patronizing arrogance that values other's convenience over the autistic person's needs. But it does not have to be this way. On the "1800 Seconds On Autism" BBC podcast, Packham was interviewed by hosts Robyn Steward and Jamie Knight (audio, transcript). One of the things Packham talks about is working with his allistic (or neurotypical) colleagues. Packham said, "...very often I'd be working in situations which I was finding suboptimal or occasionally difficult. But now I'm just candid and upfront, and I find that the people that I work with are enormously respectful. They might do very often small changes, which mean that I can become a far more effective and productive part of the team." When I mention these kinds of accommodations to others, I often get a lot of pushback. The allistic person seems to expect that there will be huge, taxing demands made of them. Their focus is not on the overall productivity of the team, but instead on how inconvenient whatever accommodations will be for them. Consider: It is now commonplace to talk about people with "different learning styles" and to make sure that any training -- including the most routine annual training at a workplace -- makes an effort to address visual, auditory, kinesthetic, and reading/writing learners. Yet a neurodivergent person's need for specific, detailed instructions or direct communication styles is somehow seen as too great a burden. Instead of minor changes being made to improve both the employee's quality of life and the effectiveness of the work unit as a whole, neurodivergent persons are forced to work in allistic conditions. A personal example: I work quickly and effectively with fast and rhythmic music in the background, with as few vocals as possible. (Thank goodness for Digitally Imported.) If there are conversations or other snippets of "words" flying about (such as in the lyrics of pretty much any top 40 pop song), it makes it extremely difficult for me to focus. But for years my co-workers actively tried to exclude my few selections from the music playing at the office. As I wrote in 2019: the people around you would rather make you listen to music you hate all the time rather than let a single song you care for play once every hour or two. How would you feel in that situation? How hurt would you be after seeing that your peers would rather have you be uncomfortable all the time rather than give up their preference for what they want all the time? That even though you went out of your way to make sure others felt included, they actively excluded you? I did not realize at the time that my own flavor of neurodivergence was what made it so disruptive and difficult for me. But I definitely realized how much their actions had both my productivity and feelings of isolation. The mindset behind ABA and that kind of lack of accommodation is unneeded, wasteful, and cruel. Like Packham, I am certain there are those neurodivergent people who would take a cure, where the differences in their brains get in the way of what that person wants. And make no mistake, I am far more aware than most of the emotional, financial, and even physical toll that neurodivergence can take on a family. But I also wonder how many people feel that way not because of their own needs and desires, but because everyone else simply cannot be bothered to take enough time to think about someone else's needs. Featured Image by nugroho dwi hartawan from Pixabay Read the full article

[keefwho]

July 11 - 2023 Tuesday

1:45 PM

This morning I was feeling that loneliness that comes from lacking true perspective on myself and my relationships. I caught myself feeling isolated, gaslighting myself into thinking that because I’m not with someone or being messaged at this moment, I must be on the way out from people’s lives. This has been common with me but the more I catch it, the easier it is to overcome. I caught this one quick and even opened up about it a little while it was happening to my friend Daisy. I’m often scared to broadcast when it’s happening because of how I will be perceived. I got over it by being aware of how I was feeling and why, and remembering the ways I am appreciated by others. 

While cleaning I was thinking about how I’ve been doing a poor job being myself the past few days. Everything is an up and down and I realized I’m in a down, sacrificing my time and desires in a way that is starting to become unsustainable. I often forget to give back to myself properly both because of how rewarding it is to give in certain ways and because I forget I’m worth it. 

I was thinking about what it is about myself that I find so fundamentally repulsive. Why do I like to hide from myself, what am I ashamed of? I think I’m not very proud of who I am in general and the feelings I feel that others don’t know about. I’m also aware of my motivation to do things and it’s not always for the best reason. I’m afraid I don’t exercise enough empathy and thats one of the biggest things I don’t like about myself. I often do things because I’ve learned how to behave, not necessarily for more genuine reasons. I’ll do something good purely for what I get in return. I’ll follow the rules only because I know the consequences. I forget to put myself in other people’s shoes a lot and at my core it makes me think I’m a bad person. My definition of a bad person would be someone like this, someone who is selfish and potentially harms others because of it. I know I don’t totally lack empathy, I know what it feels like so I know what I’m chasing. Maybe as a kid I didn’t get enough opportunities to practice it so I need to make up for it now to be where I want to be. Realizing this about myself and accepting it is another step to molding myself in a direction I want. 

6:44 PM

I’m in a lot of distress right now for no good reason. I just don’t feel like trying right now, I want rest. I also want to socialize but only with someone I can feel close with. I don’t want to put in the effort to make new friends right now. I also can’t see myself making new friends, at least in this headspace. But I guess I always feel like that. Not sure anything can pull me out of this right now so I’ll try to kick back until it’s over. Im trying to direct my focus elsewhere in the meantime. 

Along with this comes all the classic core beliefs I have about myself and my situation. “I can’t feel better.” “I’m meant to be sad.” “I can’t make friends.” “I will lose the ones I have.” It’s very hard to remember that my thoughts and feelings aren’t reality unless I believe they are, even then they still aren’t. They are automatic reactions that I have been taught by experience and they are most often unhelpful and outdated. 

I don’t like believing I’m just being put up with. 

7:18 PM

I used to rarely cry even when I had these same problems. But I’ve noticed that my rate of crying has increased quite a bit. Feels like I break out in tears maybe once a week at this point. I don’t know if it’s good or bad because maybe it means I’m willing to let things out better. 

7:44 PM

What if I am in fact using other people to validate my negative feelings about myself? I know that justifying my status as a loser is something I do in lots of convoluted ways. I think I’m doing that when I deliberately expect something from someone and get upset when they don’t act exactly how I wanted them to. It’s feeding me. The problem is I don’t know why. All I know is I’m tired of the cycle and Im tired of hurting myself. 

10:42 PM

Im so mad at myself. I can’t tell when I should be voicing my desires because I can’t tell if they come from a healthy place or not. I know I get urges that are better left unfulfilled. I want to do things that continue the unhealthy mental cycle I know I’m in. But then I’m afraid I’m limiting the things I actually want in a healthy way because I can’t tell the difference. Today was just stressful I suppose. Tomorrow should be better. I should start with a clear head at least. 

I hate acknowledging that I’m obsessive and I get way too attached. Whereas in the past I’d do everything I could to feed it, I’m aware of what it costs me to do that. So no matter how much it can hurt, I choose to use my brain to navigate my circumstances a little more. I know I can’t keep giving into my unhealthy desire to be validated by others. I can’t keep farming people to build up my self worth, it gets toxic fast. I’m having trouble finding it on my own though. 

Time for today’s recap I guess. As cringy as it feels, I want to do it in 3rd person to help get some perspective on myself. 

Keith woke up this morning, craving attention more than usual. He felt very lonely while doing his usual morning routine but he didn’t want to. He tried not to think about it. When it came time to work, he streamed on time and it went well all the way through. He didn’t do his entire workout but he did most of it. His legs were just a little too tired to go all the way. He tried hanging out in his friend David’s server for a bit which was okay but like usual, he fell out of the conversation and left after awhile. Keith’s afternoon was spent feeling bad for himself. He wanted friends, someone to confide in. He had thought a lot about the state of his life and his shortcomings. He was wondering if he could really become someone he liked or not. Progress feels little to none for him. 

11:15 PM

I want to keep trying to keep to myself unless I can act authentically. 

[mandoalorian]

Sinner [Dark!Din Djarin x F!Reader] *SMUT*

Summary: The Mandalorian has been attending confession for weeks now, with the sole intensive purpose to see you. 

Rating: 18+ smut

Warnings: Dark!Din, implied age difference, religion kink (don’t come for me...), sex in a place of worship, smut: loss of virginity, mutual masturbation, dirty talk, degradation, unprotected p in v, cunningless, death mention, alcohol mention, brothel mention. 

Word Count: 4000+

Masterlist

REBLOGS APPRECIATED!<3

He’d been coming to confess for about a year now. He’d gone off the rails when he lost the kid. You’d heard rumours about the Mandalorian — strong, fierce, brave... a warrior. You certainly wouldn’t have pinned him for a man of faith. You’d seen him a few times when you were shadowing your father in church. He was tall, broad shouldered, and only came during the dead of night, when the abbey was completely isolated.

“Hello,” you greeted him, your soft voice echoing throughout the chambers. Your crimson red heels clicked against the marble floor beneath you as you approached the masked figure. Curtseying politely and removing your hood, you couldn’t help but bat your eyelashes in the direction the Mandalorian. “It’s quite late. I was just closing for the night.” you admitted, biting down on your lower lip in hope that he’d understand.

“I thought places of worship aren’t supposed to close?” He countered quizzically, an air of amusement in his voice. 

“You’re right, technically,” you hummed, picking at your nails as a wash of nerves flooded over you. “But my father is out of town and... I need to sleep.”

That’s where he recognised you from— you were the daughter of the Grand Bishop. He’d seen you before, doting around the abbey in your signature black gown and red robes. You were hard to miss, your beauty being beyond standards of measure. Yes, he knew you. He had noticed you watching him from the pillars above, when you thought nobody was looking. He noticed the way you’d deliberately brush past his body... desperate for just the slightest touch. He recognised your scent too; it was sweet like honey. And your ruby coloured lips. He’d dreamt of them plenty of times. It was really you.

“Where is he?” The Mandalorian asked after a beat of prolonged silence.

“He was requested by Senator Berenko to present evening mass on Naboo, for the Festival of Lights.” you explained, probably offering a little too much information.

“When will he be back?”

“Next week.”

“Well, I’ll be back then.” 

No, you couldn’t just let him leave. You couldn’t just let him walk away from you. This was your chance. In a fluster, you extended your arm and pawed at his bicep. He froze under your touch, and you hoped that you hadn’t overstepped. 

“Are— you’re here to confess. Aren’t you?” you asked him with a nervous gulp. Maker, why were you so nervous? The Mandalorian didn’t say anything, so you heeded to continue. “I’ve seen you come by before. I know you speak to my father usually but— I can do it. The confession, I mean. I’ve been shadowing my father for the past few months— training with him. I can do it. If... if you’d like me to.”

The Mandalorian took a moment to process your words. Maker; you were a sight to behold. Your eyes were starry and reflective of the galaxy he’d spent so long venturing. Your skin was soft and delicate. You were pure— untouched— holy. He was afraid the discussion of his sins might be a bit too much for you to handle. 

Or maybe there was something more.

Maybe he was afraid that once he’d start opening up to you, he wouldn’t be able to stop. He wouldn’t be able to resist you.

“Aren’t you a little young?” The Mandalorian scoffed incredulously, bringing his leather gloved hand to his helmet, his thumb grazing the cloth between his chin and his neck. His rude manner didn’t surprise you at all, but yet, you kept a strong posture and held your head high.

“I’m old enough.” you declared, not ripping your gaze from him once. Even through the dark tinted visor of his helmet, it felt like you were looking into his eyes, staring deep into his soul. 

So, he agreed. You told him to wait in the confession box by the altar. “I won’t be long, I just have to lock up and turn out the lights.”

As you walked down the aisle, you lit a match and ignited some candles. They were tall and made from beeswax, and the flicking amber flames provided barely enough light. But it had to be enough. It had to do. The wax dripped down the sculptures and chambersticks, pooling into swirls of hardening ivory. 

The Mandalorian waited for you in the confession box, having already discarded the plates of his beskar armour. It was hard to wear, and heavy on his back, but he felt safe… here, with you. He had no reason to be still wearing it. No more fighting tonight, he hoped.

The image of you couldn’t escape his mind, no matter how hard he tried. Dirty thoughts — it was wrong of him. You were the Grand Bishop’s daughter for Heaven’s sake.

When you entered your side of the confession box, your full intention was to follow the ordinary strict protocol. There was no reason for distraction.

“State your name for the records,” you requested, shuffling around as you worked on getting comfortable in your chair.

“Din Djarin.”

Din Djarin. It was a beautiful name. Your mind immediately went to pairing his last name with your first name, and then you cursed yourself for the inappropriate thought. 

“Din,” his name left your lips like the sweetest tasting honey. “Why are you here today? What would you like to confess?”

“I went to Corellia over the weekend,” he announced, his voice cold through the modulator. “The bad part— well, it’s all bad over there,” he corrected himself before continuing. “Got into some trouble gambling at Lady Proxima’s casino and a bunch of white worms surrounded me. So I killed them, all of them. I didn’t have to. But I did. I murdered them in cold blood.”

It was in that moment you learned how dangerous of a man The Mandalorian was. His beskar armour was just as cold as his heart.

“Wh— why did you kill them?” you asked timidly, almost afraid to know the answer.

“For the release. The adrenaline. The feeling of power. I can’t escape it. Have you ever killed?”

“N—no.”

Din scoffed incredulously. “Of course you haven’t.”

“What do you do after you kill?” you inquired, hoping to change the subject.

“Corellia has the best brothels… cheap too. I sought them out and look for a quick fuck.”

“Out of wedlock?” you pondered with a queasy frown.

Din laughed. “You’re asking if I’m married?”

He was right, it was a foolish question. 

“Do you enjoy your time at the brothel? Or do you regret it soon after?” you wondered.

Another laugh— and Maker, he made you feel terrible. Were you really that bad at this? 

“Yes, I enjoy myself. The girls there are pretty little things. Needy. Desperate. But— it’s not special, you know? It’s not… not exactly what I crave.”

“What do you crave?”

“To touch someone untouched. Pure. Holy…” the Mandalorian trailed off. “So, when I fuck the girls at the brothel, I tend to think of the Grand Bishop’s daughter.” He revealed, feeling his cock harden in the confines of his pants at the memory. You swallowed, a wave of heat immediately washing over you. You. He was thinking about you.

This was ridiculous. Was he messing with you? He had to have been messing with you. Sure, he’d seen you around before but neither of you had even held a conversation, prior to today. And he’d been thinking about you while he was sleeping with other women? You had to suck it up and remain professional, no matter how much it irked you. He was here to confess and you couldn’t let this become personal.

But it was so hard. Maker, why was it this hard? Was it because you’d thought about him too? Because you’d imagined his cock in place of your fingers, at night when everyone else is sleeping? You yearned to know more. You ached to know the details. Surely that was fair. He was speaking about you, after all.

You could already feel your panties begin to dampen with arousal. How could one man have such an effect on you? In your place of worship too. You wanted to punch him, kick him, take out all your anger on him. But most importantly, you wanted him. His touch. His hands on your body and his cock splitting you open. That’s what you wanted the most.

“What did— what did you think of?” You swallowed, anticipating the details. You were glad he couldn’t see how flustered and hot you were right now. It certainly wasn’t in the code for you to ask about details such as this but… surely one question would do no harm.

You could just about hear Din chuckle, from the other side of the wall, and it made your slick wet cunt clench around absolutely nothing. He was driving you feral. “I’d think about her ruby red lips and how they’d look wrapped around my cock. I’d imagine fucking her mouth, making her gag— wanting her to cry. I’d want to see the tears stream down her cheeks as I give her my all. And finally, I’d imagine her letting me cum down her throat.”

There was something about him talking about you, to you, in third person. Like you weren’t supposed to be there, listening. Like this information was not made for your ears.

Your panties were soaked at the thought. You couldn’t believe it. All this time, all these sessions of confession with your father, and it had only stirred him on more. He’d been going to confess, only to see you. 

“Tell me, princess. How does that make you feel?”

Shit. He could not be serious right now. You placed your palm flat against the wall and took a deep breath. “Mando, you’re here to confess. Not me.”

You tried to shut out his words, but your body ached for him. Ached to feel him… touch him. You wanted him just as much as he wanted you — but it would be wrong. It would be so wrong.

Another chuckle. You hated when he did that. As if all of this was some kind of joke to him. Did he even know what he was doing to you? It was like torture. 

“See, the Grand Bishop’s daughter… oh wow. She’s a vision. She dotes crimson red lips and she walks around as if she owns the place, her stiletto heels clicking against the floor. She’s bad, like the devil in disguise, and yet, I know her. She’s young and untouched. Her father will probably marry her off to some other minister in the outer-rim, ship her away for good. And she’ll be forced to deal with very mediocre sex for the rest of her life. Which is a shame, really, because she deserves better. You deserve better.”

“You have no idea who I am.” you spat out, feeling your cheeks burn with rage. How dare he make these assumptions about you and your family. This crude, older man with a tongue that could kill. How dare he. 

You wanted to be mad at him so bad. He couldn’t possibly get away with this. But he was going to. Because what exactly could you do? 

“She’ll never know how it feels to be stretched open by a real cock,” Din gritted out, dismissing your comment completely. “F—fuck.”

Din was palming himself through his pants, desperate for some kind of release. His sleuth, dirty words set a fire blazing in your core. You wanted it too. You wanted it so bad. You contemplated all the things you could do, all the actions and their consequences. You and the Mandalorian, both in the confession box. You couldn’t even see one another… the prolonged silence on your end prompted Din to get up and leave when he heard your honey velvet voice speak once more.

You had to say something.

“When the lights are out and everyone is asleep, I think about you,” you confessed, hating the way the croaky admission left your lips. You’d done it now. Din’s head snapped upwards to face the wall and oh how he wished he could see you right now. You were squirming around in your chair and when you heard the zipper of his pants become undone, you knew it was your queue to continue. “I touch myself. It’s hard to keep quiet… thinking about you. I imagine you touching me… running your gloved hands all over my body,” you bring your hand to your breast and give it a little squeeze. “I figure.. maybe you don’t take the gloves off. You praise me when you feel how wet I am, and I tell you that it’s all for you. I’m all yours. To use however you like. I want you to ruin me. Spoil me for any other man. Fuck me until I cant walk. Bite me, give me marks I have to hide during tomorrow’s mass.”

Din made a fist around his cock and began to pump as he listened to the dirty words that left your holy lips. His grunts and groans echoed throughout the box and went straight to your core. Oh how you wished you could see him right now. Peeling up the hem of your robe, you slid your fingers under the waistband of your panties and began to rub tight circles into your clit. 

“You’re a virgin?” he asked, although it came out more so like a statement. Like he already knew the answer. 

“Ye-yeah,” you whimpered, quickening your pace.

He was achingly stiff now, beads of milky white precum already dripping down his shaft.

“You want this?” He quizzed. “You want my cock right now? Think you deserve it?”

And in that moment, you made your decision.

Maybe this life that your father had given you, just wasn’t for you.

“Y-yes, oh God yes. I deserve it.”

A low and dark chuckle left Din’s lips. “You’ve been a child of God your whole life. But you want this, yes? You’ve been waiting for this?”

He was right. You had been waiting for this. 

“P-please Din, please. Wreck me. Ruin me.”

“In the chapel too?” he laughed, rising to his feet. “You really are desperate. C’mon then.”

In a fluster, you practically fell out of your side of the confession box.

The Mandalorian stalked towards you with his cock in his hand, jerking himself off as he got nearer and nearer. His eyes didn’t leave you once and although you couldn’t see his face, you could only imagine the predatory glint in his eye. Maker he was huge, and thick, and you wondered how you’d ever be able to take him.

You weren’t used to this— Maker, you’d never done anything like this before. There was no way your fingers would ever be able to compare to the size of the Mandalorian. 

“Are you sure you want this?” he grunted, releasing his cock and grabbing your throat, giving it an experimental squeeze. You nodded your head desperately and subconsciously licked your lower lip. “I must know. If I start, I won’t be able to stop. Do you want me to claim you?”

Just like Hades claimed Persephone? You shut the absent thought out of your mind and agreed to his proposition.

“I do.”

If it was so wrong, why did it feel so right? You had dreamt of this moment. How could you ever deny him? 

He pinned you against the altar and tapped at your thigh, gesturing for you to open your legs up. His eyes dropped straight to your dripping core and he had to hold back a guttural moan.

Din wasted no time and rubbed his cock along your slick wet folds. For a second you were afraid he’d knock over the many burning candles that you had lit earlier in the evening, before your little confession session had begun. But, to no surprise of your own, the Mandalorian had extremely good coordination. 

“Oh f-fuck, such a pretty little thing. So warm, bet— bet you feel so fucking good.” Din mumbled utterances of praise, his grip tightening around your wrists as he propped you up. 

Every now and again the bulbous tip of his cock rubbed over your clit and the sensation practically sent you into orbit. You were touch starved, having never experienced intimacy like this with anyone before. “Do you want me to fuck you now, huh? Want me to fuck that pretty little cunt of yours?”

You whimpered a small ‘yes’ and Din chuckled darkly, tapping his cock against your cunt before sliding into you with one swift movement.

You let out a squeal, your fingernails digging into the muscles of his back as he seated deep inside you. Underneath his helmet, his perfect lips were parted into an ‘O’ shape as your fluttering walls clenched around him and made him feel like he was home.

“Fuck— so tight, so fucking tight. Just like I’d imagined.” He murmured, feeling like he was already seeing stars. 

Din thrust upwards into you, the curve of his cock stretching you open and pulsating inside of you. His movements were rough and bruising, as his fingers dug into the soft flesh at your hips as he held onto you for support. Just like you’d requested, he was completely and utterly using you. 

“How’s that?” his gasp rolled into an achingly long groan as his balls slapped against your cunt, creating the most obscene wet sounds.

It was uncomfortable at first. He wasn’t soft or gentle by any means, but you’d anticipated that. After just a few thrusts, the intrusive pain turned into bolts of pleasure that coursed through your veins. It clouded your vision like white noise— like what the red berry wine you’d drink during Sunday mass would do to your mind. Din grabbed at the thin cloth that covered your chest, and ripped it off, exposing your bare breasts to him. A sheen of glistening sweat glazed your skin like the most beautiful honey dew. The Mandalorian was tall and broad, and as he towered over you, he coated you in his dark shadow.

His large hands palmed at your breasts and you moaned at the sudden, unexpected contact. He continued thrusting, fucking you mercilessly. With every movement, he hit that sweet spot inside of you, and you knew he’d been doing this for a long time. He was definitely experienced.

He dropped his hand for your chest and lowered it to your clit, expertly moving his two fingers across your bundle of nerves. That feeling, combined with his thick cock, was enough to send you over the edge. 

“Oh yes, yes, yes,” you chanted his name like it was a prayer— and he felt powerful.

The Mandalorian grinned wolfishly under his helmet as he increased his speed. You were seeing stars and it felt like your whole body was trapped under a spell. His spell.

“I ca- oh I can’t, I’m close, I’m close,” you cried as he continued to rock his hips into yours.

You hugged his body into yours, wishing the pleasure would never end. With every twitch of his cock he watched you intently. He watched the way your body reacted to him, revelling in the way your face screwed up in heated pleasure. Din adored the way your brow knitted together and your mouth parted as the most angelic noises omitted from your plush lips. 

“Have you ever felt so alive than you do right now, with me inside of you?” Din queried with a grunt.

“No,” you answered, shaking your head profusely. “Please don’t stop.”

Your orgasm ripped through you like a tornado and without warning, The Mandalorian split his seed deep inside of you, his salty cum roping your perfect walls as they gripped down around his cock. Now he had marked you for life.

Din returned to confession a week later when your father had returned from the Festival of Lights. There was no reason for you to see The Mandalorian anymore. 

“Forgive me, Grand Bishop, for I have sinned yet again.” Din announced, his voice clear as daylight after discarding his beskar helmet. He ran a gloved hand over his face.

“Another kill?” your father inquired, but from the other side of the wall, Din could only smirk.

“I’ve met a woman. A holy woman. And she has consumed my every thought. When I think about her I feel more inclined to sin, over and over again.” 

It was true. Your ruby red lips, high heels, thin robes… Din had become completely enraptured with you. 

Your father spent a moment contemplating the Mandalorian’s words, finding that he was speaking a lot differently than ever before. Not as ruthless or dangerous— but almost genuine.

“Would you give your body to this holy woman, if she requested you do so?” The Grand Bishop asked, not realising he was speaking about you, his own daughter.

“I already have,” Din confessed, subconsciously licking a stripe over his lower lip, at the memory of your taste. “And I would do it again.”

-—-—-—♡—-—-—-

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Taglist for ‘Sinner’: @guiidiiosa @pascalpanic @fucktheforce @rosalierowan​

[blueskittlesart]

tbh people who hate on botw zelda are ignoring the message(? idk how to explain but like. the whole plot is link trying to save the world and her. how do you finish the game thinking that zelda is the worst person in hyrule or that she abused link bc some ppl say she did how do you even decide to save her ik it would be like basic human decency but do you really think link would do this just because? he needs to see her again- idk i’m so confused idek if i’ve worded this properly lmao

idk how many of you know this about me but i deliberately avoid almost all zelda fan content for this specific reason. because if i ever encountered a take like "botw zelda abused link" in the wild i would get so angry i'd embarrass myself

anyway you're correct. there's a general trend in fandom where people like to ignore all but surface-level characterization and/or latch on to one specific character and consider everything else only through the lens of THAT character, and that's the only way i think you can come up with a take like "zelda is abusive"--by latching onto link and refusing to analyze anyone except him beyond surface level. because to come up with this means that you have to understand link on some level--you need to realize that he is traumatized and forced into a role he doesn't necessarily want to play and that a lot of zelda's early actions towards him only fuel his self-isolating tendencies. but you also have to deliberately ignore the (arguably MORE OBVIOUS IN CANON) trauma that ZELDA is going through at the exact same time. to call zelda abusive for her lack of insight into link's feelings is to refuse to view her for what she is--a traumatized, manipulated, hurting CHILD. she's sixteen years old. and i think it is also a somewhat revisionist take in that it completely ignores that link's issues with communication were HIS problem. they were inflicted upon him by the destiny he was forced into, yes, and i'm by no means trying to suggest that he was wrong or bad for being mute, but it's unfair to shift ALL the blame to zelda in this situation. they were BOTH unwilling to communicate with each other. they BOTH misunderstood each other at first and they both had to work to find the common ground they eventually do. i think that because link is the player character, it's easier to ignore the mistakes that HE made and shift all the blame for the tense relationship pre-calamity to zelda, but link's self-isolation, self-sacrifice, etc. are explicitly negative aspects of his character that caused just as much tension as zelda's inferiority complex. this was not a one-sided situation and it pisses me off when people want to paint it that way because they think women arent people they're just bitches

[aspecpplarebeautiful]

i just accidentally found an aphobe’s discourse blog and kinda doomscrolled through all their posts and reblogs because i was curious and couldnt stop myself and now i just want to go back into the closet with my labels, throw the closet into the ocean and pretend i’ve never had any thoughts about anything at all.

that person specifically also had that thing where they “support” some aros and aces but not all of them, and it just sucks more because it’d be easier to deal with if they were just a flatout mean aphobe, but they pretend to care and they come from this “think about it logically, i’m only being reasonable” angle and it just leaves such a bad, bad taste in my mouth. it hurt to see that those posts had thousands of notes too. plus the fact that they were LGBT too, it just feels like nobody’s safe for aros and aces.

it really got me down and i’m not the only one who’s affected like this right? idk i feel like i need reassurance, something to say not everyone’s so against aros and aces, and that i’m not the only one who feels so isolated.

(also i wish the block button did more, because yes i can block someone but that’s only after reading their bad takes, how do i block that from my memory 😭😭)

Yeah you're not the only one with these kinds of feelings when you come across this stuff. And it's very deliberate what they do and the point is to cause hurt.

I definitely watched this movement pretty closely while it was at its peak on Tumblr (against better judgment), and as much as they play up the 'I'm just a rational human being having rational takes', the moment someone explained the flaws in their logic they were pretty quick to reveal they were just trolls and start replying with nonsense.

The 'I support some aces and aros' is generally bullshit too. Conditional support isn't support, and by support they meant 'I don't hate some of them if they fit my narrow definition for what I think they're allowed to be' not 'I've ever done anything to support this community'.

There's a reason the ace exclusionist "discourse" has mostly petered out on Tumblr though, and just pushed into a few small pockets, and it is because they started getting enough pushback it was easier to either move on to a new target or move to a new site where it was easier to spread hate than stay here. And a lot of that pushback came from the greater lgbtqia community who caught up to their tactics and didn't want it. Gatekeeping like what they do hurts all lgbtqia people, not just their current target, and most groups and organizations want nothing to do with these people.

If an lgbtqia group is tolerant of gatekeepers or not is also a great litmus test to see if it's a safe community (and most do not tolerate it at all).

It can be a trip going through one of their blogs though, especially the way they distort reality and say things in the cruelest ways they can. I definitely recommend just completely avoiding those blogs if you can.

So hopefully this helps you feel better. All the best, and take care!

[cqlfeels]

@lansplaining encouraged me to finish this random meta nobody asked for, so let's talk about Meng Yao, Meng Shi, and 孟母三遷 (mèng mǔ sān qiān), a proverb about good parenting.

A warning: this is super long (even for me!) and is less quality meta and more my ADHD brain jumping around a maze of loosely related ideas. Proceed with caution!

Let me start by briefly going through why I decided to write this, because it’s important. In haunting Meng Shi’s tag in my starvation for Meng Shi content, I’ve multiple times come across the idea that Meng Shi pushed Meng Yao too hard, that she should’ve been more careful with teaching him to seek his father’s approval at any cost, and that she was too naïve. I’ve never reblogged this kind of post because 1) I personally think it’s rude to go out of your way to ramble about how much you disagree with someone on their own post and 2) if this was an isolated incident I wouldn't care either way, so I didn’t want to direct this rant at anyone in particular. It’s more to do with a tendency, primarily (as far as I can tell) from fans who haven’t had much contact with Chinese culture, to oversimplify Meng Shi and make her relationship with Meng Yao slightly disturbing, and I think part of it is due to CQL basically cutting out her entire storyline (so fans simply don’t have info about her to assess her fairly) and part is due to misunderstanding what a good parent is supposed to act like in the context of Ancient China.

[Of course, Ancient China is not a very useful historical concept, not any more than “ye olde Europe” - things change a lot based on time and place - but you know. It’s fantasy. Extremely broad trends are okay in this case.]

Anyway, the idea behind the posts I mentioned is, basically, that Meng Shi (usually through no fault of her own) is to blame for Meng Yao’s obsession with power, since his desire for approval was inherited from lessons she taught him. Just to start with, I’d argue that Meng Yao isn’t power-hungry as much as he craves security and respect, but that’s a different meta. Let’s assume that she really did teach him to be Like That. Was she wrong to do so? I’m not looking for “does that make for a happy, well-adjusted childhood?” or “would you raise your own son as Meng Shi did?” - I’m trying to figure out, would she have been considered a bad mother in the context of the society she lived in? I don’t think she would’ve.

It is surprisingly hard to find texts about the obligations of parents in Ancient China. Their main obligation is to raise filial children, but I feel like that’s not very useful: whether or not parents are good parents, children are expected to be filial, so a child being filial really says more about the child than about the parent. Maybe the parent completely missed the mark and society at large was what taught the child to be filial!

We can assume, of course, that parents were to raise good people, and that by learning what a good person looked like, we could figure out whether the parent was successful, but once again, I feel like that’s pinning things on the outcome, not on the process - the best of parents can end up with an awful kid and vice versa.

While thinking about all this, it took me a frankly embarrassing amount of time to remember the story of Mother Meng and Meng Zi, but once I did, it wouldn’t leave my mind - in part because the Meng here is the exact same Meng of Meng Shi and Meng Yao (yay! fun if useless parallel!), and in part because this is a story about how a woman can successfully raise a son by herself.

Okay, so important note: one of the most influential ancient Chinese thinkers is Meng Zi (孟子 Mèng Zǐ), who is known in the West as Mencius. If you've never heard of him - he's perhaps second in importance only to Confucius. When Mencius was still a young child, his father died, so he was raised by his mother, who is usually known only as Mother Meng (in Chinese, 孟母 Mèng Mǔ.)

Mother Meng's story is told in Biographies of Exemplary Women (列女傳 Liènǚ Zhuàn), which for around 2000 years beginning around the 18th century BCE, was the most commonly used book used to educate women. The book is divided into sections, each one showing a different way women could be honorable and good. Mother Meng's story is told in the Maternal Models section (母儀傳 Mǔ Yí Zhuàn.) The story has a few parts, some of which I'll quote, always from Kinney's 2014 translation.

Before I go on to quote it, though, I'd like to establish that Mother Meng's story is so, so famous that even if Meng Shi had never read this particular book, I'm almost certain she would've been familiar with at least the outlines of Mother Meng's story. I'm not cherry picking a suitable chapter from the book, I'm literally going with the most famous story in it because Meng Shi would be most likely to know this one if she knew no other story.

Okay, the first part of the tale takes place when Mencius is a young boy and Mother Meng is a widow raising him.

The mother of Meng Ke of Zou [a different name for Mencius] was called Mother Meng. She lived near a graveyard. During Mencius’ youth, he enjoyed playing among the tombs, romping about pretending to prepare the ground for burials. Mother Meng said, “This is not the place to raise my son.” She therefore moved away and settled beside the marketplace. But there he liked to play at displaying and selling wares like a merchant. Again Mother Meng said, “This is not the place to raise my son,” and once more left and settled beside a school. There, however, he played at setting out sacrificial vessels, bowing, yielding, entering, and withdrawing. His mother said, “This, indeed, is where I can raise my son!” and settled there. When Mencius grew up, he studied the Six Arts, and finally became known as a great classicist. A man of discernment would say, “Mother Meng was good at gradual transformation.”

According to the translator's footnote, "gradual transformation" is "a childrearing technique, whereby a child is morally formed through daily exposure to correct models of behavior."

From this story comes the proverb 孟母三遷 (Mèng Mǔ sān qiān) - "Mother Meng moved three times." It's come to mean that a parent - especially the mother of a male child - should spare no efforts to provide an environment that will give their child a good education, paying particular attention to what models are surrounding them.

I'm sure I don't need to say if Meng Shi was at all familiar with this proverb (and she would probably be), she must have been very stressed out over literally raising her son in a brothel. (Here I must mention sex workers in ancient China were often essentially owned by the brothels, so literally "moving three times" wasn't really an option for Meng Shi even if she could miraculously pick up another trade.) Meng Shi did however at least try to surround Meng Yao with the accomplishments appropriate for the son of a cultivator:

Xiao-Meng, are you still learning those things lately? [...] The things your mom wants you to learn, things like calligraphy, etiquette, swordsmanship, meditation… How are those things going? [...] His mom’s raising him as a young master of a wealthy family. She taught him how to read and write, bought him all those swordsmanship pamphlets, and even wants to send him to school.

Meng Yao actually talks a little bit about “those swordsmanship pamphlets” in the only time in canon he directly shares memories about this mother:

Lan XiChen, “Your [guqin] skills are also considered quite fine outside of Gusu. Were they taught by your mother?”

Jin GuangYao, “No. I taught myself by watching others. She never taught me such things. She only taught me reading and writing, and bought a handful of expensive sword and cultivation guides for me to practice.”

Lan XiChen seemed surprised, “Sword and cultivation guides?”

Jin GuangYao, “Brother, you haven’t seen them before, have you? Those small booklets sold by the common folk. First jumbled sketches of human figures, then deliberately mystified captions.”

Lan XiChen shook his head, smiling. Jin GuangYao shook his head as well, “All of them are scams, especially to fool women like my mother and ignorant children. You won’t lose anything by practicing them, but you definitely won’t gain anything either.”

He sighed in a rueful way, “But how could my mother have known this? She bought them no matter how expensive they were, saying that if I returned to see my father in the future, I had to see him with as much competence as possible so that I don’t fall behind. All of the money was spent on this.”

See what’s happening? Meng Shi cannot physically take Meng Yao to cultivators, but she spares no efforts in giving him the closest thing she possibly can -- figuratively, we might say she moved three times.

Of course, these booklets don’t work, but as Meng Yao says, how could she have known this? The cultivation world is very closed off - think of how the entire Mo household gathers to see Lan juniors, and how Wei Wuxian mentions once that “Cultivation families, in the eyes of common folk, are like people favored by God, mysterious yet noble.” Not just noble, but mysterious. That tracks, too - I mean, they live in inaccessible households and mostly leave to night hunt or visit each other, neither of which is an activity that would allow commoners to get much more than an occasional glimpse of them.

Now, if Meng Shi doesn’t even know that a pearl for Jin Guangshan was just a trinket, if she doesn’t know even the wealth of a major sect, how can she read booklets and decide whether that’s genuine cultivation or not? All that she sees is a chance for Meng Yao to be surrounded by the ideas and skills of the people she wants him to emulate - cultivators - and therefore she does everything she can to get him that chance. Mother Meng moved three times.

Okay, but maybe the argument is not “Meng Shi shouldn’t have pushed Meng Yao to cultivation” but rather “she should’ve pushed him, just not too hard." To that, I present another tale from Mencius' childhood:

Once, when Mencius was young, he returned home after finishing his lessons and found his mother spinning. She asked him, “How far did you get in your studies today?” Mencius replied, “I’m in about the same place as I was before.” Mother Meng thereupon took up a knife and cut her weaving. Mencius was alarmed and asked her to explain. Mother Meng said, “Your abandoning your study is like my cutting this weaving. A man of discernment studies in order to establish a name and inquires to become broadly knowledgeable. By this means, when he is at rest, he can maintain tranquility and when he is active, he can keep trouble at a distance. If now you abandon your studies, you will not escape a life of menial servitude and will lack the means to keep yourself from misfortune. How is this different from weaving and spinning to eat? If one abandons these tasks midway, how can one clothe one’s husband and child and avoid being perpetually short of food? If a woman abandons that with which she nourishes others and a man is careless about cultivating his virtue, if they don’t become brigands or thieves, then they will end up as slaves or servants.” Mencius was afraid. Morning and evening he studied hard without ceasing. He served Zisi [a great scholar whose grandfather was Confucius] as his teacher and then became one of the most renowned classicists in the world.

Notice that Mother Meng moved three times to ensure Mencius would have the highest of aspirations - to become a scholar. But just aspiration isn’t enough. Not by any means. Now that Mencius is actually studying, Mother Meng is willing to take an extreme action to ensure he's taking it seriously. Mencius doesn't have a father to smooth his path to success. He has to learn that aspiring to greatness isn't enough. He'll have to put in the effort as if his life depended on it. And if he doesn't persist in his hard work, everything he's done thus far will be useless. Sounds like a lesson imparted on young Meng Yao, doesn’t it?

A lot of fandom rage towards Meng Shi would apply to China's Best Mom Contender, Mother Meng. She gives her son big dreams, and teaches him how to go about achieving them in a society where failing is easier than succeeding. Yes, it's fair to say that Meng Shi taught Meng Yao to refuse to settle for anything less than being “Jin Guangshan's son, a respected cultivator.” Yes, it's also fair to say that she probably didn't allow him much time to play like children his age did. But unfortunately, in the world of MDZS, poor children probably wouldn't get to play anyhow, the difference is that they'd usually be working, not studying. Studying is a privilege! It’s a privilege Meng Yao could not afford but was given to him anyway, through his mother’s many sacrifices. We can even say that while she was alive, Meng Shi was trying to ensure Meng Yao would one day have a better life, at the expense of a fun childhood - and that's very Mother Meng of her, whatever our modern Western sensibilities might have to say about that.

Finally, I’d skip other tales (which show Mother Meng and an adult Mencius) and go straight to the poem that ends the Mother Meng section:

The mother of Mencius

Was able to teach, transform, judge, and discriminate.

With skill she selected a place to raise her son,

Prompting him to accord with the great principles.

When her son’s studies did not advance,

She cut her weaving to illustrate her point.

Her son then perfected his virtue;

His achievements rank as the crowning glory of his generation.

I’d like to focus on the last verse - “His achievements rank as the crowning glory of his generation.” All that Mother Meng wanted was for Mencius to not completely ruin his life, but he became great. You can so very easily see a parallel with how Meng Shi hoped Meng Yao would be a cultivator but he became Jin Guangyao, Chief Cultivator, styled Lianfang-zun, one of the Three Venerable, hero of the Sunshot Campaign.

Of course you can say “Jin Guangyao did many Very Wrong Things to get there, though!” Which, sure, okay, fair point. How many and how wrong depends on which canon we're discussing, and your own interpretation, but there’s no version of the story in which Jin Guangyao is 100% an innocent child uwu. But blaming that on Meng Shi is just... straight up weird? I don’t see anyone going “If Jiang Fengmian hadn’t adopted Wei Wuxian, he’d never have dared become Yiling Laozu!” and that’s pretty much the same logic. Would street kid Wei Wuxian have invented a new type of cultivation if he had never been taken in by the Jiang? Probably not, but raising undead armies is very much not something Jiang Fengmian could’ve predicted. In the same way, how could Meng Shi have predicted that teaching her pre-adolescent son “You are the son of a cultivator, act like one and earn your place in society” would’ve ultimately resulted in innocent deaths? How could she predict “You’re not destined to having the same horrible life I did, you can get something better than this” was a bad thing to teach? I quite honestly don’t know.

Finally, I'd like to point towards a much flimsier evidence that Meng Shi did great as a parent. And that is Meng Yao’s love. Nie Huaisang at some point comments Meng Shi is someone who Meng Yao "cherishes more than his life," and I think his assessment is correct.

Even putting aside the fact he built a whole temple to get his mother to reincarnate into a better life, and even putting aside how he refuses to flee the country without her remains, there's still crystal clear evidence that Meng Shi must've done something right. Because a lifetime of people using his mother to bully him doesn't seem to have made Meng Yao resent her. Had their relationship not have been very strong, odds are he'd feel bitter and/or ashamed of her. That doesn't seem to be the case. He's attached to her even decades after her death.

I want to be very careful with equating mutual affection with good parenting, though. When I was a rather rebellious teenager, my mother (in typical Chinese fashion) used to say that parents and children don't have to love each other as long as they're dutiful to each other, by which she meant that a parent-child relationship isn't informed by warm and fuzzy feelings, but by whether you'd be willing to do anything for each other. Specific to my case, she meant "I don't care if it makes you hate me, you will do as you're told because that's what's best for you." (That may also be the reason why people more familiar with Chinese culture see the Jiang family less as outright abusive and more as #complicated, but that's another meta.)

Whether your kid wants to hug you every time they see you is of no consequence to traditional Chinese thought - raising them to be the best they can is all that matters, because at the end of the day, you won't be around forever, but you can definitely set up your kid's life so that it goes smoothly and virtuously. How that's accomplished varies depending on many factors, but to have the goal be "I want my child to love me" rather than "I want to raise my child right" would've been considered selfish as hell.

So even if all that Meng Shi had given Meng Yao had been stern lessons about the need to go get his birthright, she would've still have been considered a good mother!! In fact, she would've been doing everything she was supposed to do, under extremely difficult conditions! (Remember the importance of environment? That Meng Yao grew up to want to be a cultivator despite having probably never even met one speaks wonders about Meng Shi's childrearing powers!!)

But just based off how over the top Meng Yao's filal dutifulness is, I'd go a step further and say that even as she did the impossible, she was also loving enough to inspire genuine affection. This is complicated because children who have present fathers could expect their mothers to be tender with them. The first century BCE text 禮記 Lǐ Jì or The Classic of Rites says that:

Here now is the affection of a father for his sons - he loves the worthy among them, and places on a lower level those who do not show ability; but that of a mother for them is such, that while she loves the worthy, she pities those who do not show ability - the mother deals with them on the ground of affection and not of showing them honour; the father, on the ground of showing them honour and not of affection.

But when the father figure is lacking for any reason, the mother must abandon her tenderness because someone must guide the child, and without a father, the role falls to the mother. A single or widowed mother had to be very careful to not smother their children with affection and raise useless, spoiled kids, or so it was thought. (The presence of Qingheng-jun and Lan Qiren is why Madame Lan can be so affectionate with the Lan boys, by the way - if she was raising them by herself she would've been expected to be much more practical. AUs where she just gets her kids and runs away could do very cool things with this idea. But I digress!)

Where was I? Oh, okay. Because Meng Yao seems to not just respect, but actively miss her, it seems that Meng Shi somehow managed to deal with her son on the ground of both honor and affection, to paraphrase.

So basically, all things considered, it seems not only would Meng Shi have been considered a great mom (if people could look past her being a prostitute, anyway) but she also went above and beyond the bare minimum. She truly spared no efforts on any front to make sure her son had everything your average gongzi would have - someone to teach him and someone to love him, access to education and confidence in his birthright. That she couldn't actually make him a cultivator, that she couldn't actually raise him in a proper home with no one being cruel to herself or him - that's immaterial. Even Mother Meng couldn't control what her neighbors did, only what she taught her son! The key point is Meng Shi tried. She did everything she could to educate her son right. You couldn't ask more of her, and quite honestly, you should probably be asking less.

Of course we can't err on the other extreme and say she was Perfect. Given MXTX only ever writes flawed characters, we can safely assume that if we'd known more about Meng Shi, we would've seen many flaws. Indeed, just the fact she didn't teach Meng Yao the guqin when he apparently wanted to learn it might point to some conflict we don't know enough to speculate about (maybe she focused too much on cultivation when Meng Yao's interests lay elsewhere? Maybe she wasn't able to sufficiently shelter him and he felt it'd be a burden to ask her to teach him anything? Maybe maybe maybe, go wild with your fics.) Nevertheless, I would never hold a female character to a higher ideal than a male character - if the male cast of MDZS can be a hot mess and still be admirable for what they're trying to do, then so can Meng Shi.

At the end of the day, when I look at Meng Shi - and I've made myself a document with all the references to her in the novel canon so I could easily contemplate her life and character - all I see is a woman every bit as determined and resourceful as her son, willing to do everything it took to raise her little boy into the sophisticated and ambitious man he became.

Finally, here's a fun little parallel that I'm 100% sure was unintentional but I still love. I said Meng Shi couldn't have moved three times. She couldn't, but I think maybe she taught her son he was worth moving three times for. Qinghe Nie. Qishan Wen. Lanling Jin. Isn't that super fun to think about?

Alternatively, tl;dr: Oh My God I Can't Believe We're Blaming Women For The Actions Of Their Adult Children In The Year Of Our Lord 2k21, Meng Shi Was Doing Her Best, Chill!

[burningthegallows]

Sometimes, when I think too long about muggles in the hp universe, I trick myself into thinking that jk* was cleverer that expected.

There is something inherently … intentional about the fact that the only muggle characters in the books are the dursleys. And they suck. They extra suck, even for muggles, we know this— but Harry doesn’t. And yet, Harry never turns to bitterness. He never turns his anger towards the people that locked him in a closet, never thinks of wizards as superior (never overtly, at least)

It’s pretty disturbing actually, how skillfully jk* has othered muggleness, to the point of Hermione. Hermione is emphatically NOT a muggle, but why not? Poor kid can’t ever go home again. Even her parents’ storyline reinforces that.

There is something bewilderingly real about a group of bigots hating people just like themselves for arbitrary reasons. And then figuring out ways to be extra awful to the people that bridge the groups. (Especially when squibs exist.)

This is what real prejudice looks like — irrational, insecure, and cowardly.

And the fact that there are no other muggle characters in the books (beyond Hermione’s parents, I think, there are no other muggles that have lines and meaningful roles— correct me if I’m wrong) means that not only does 1) jk* never have to provide any arguments or justifications for the prejudices (beyond that one excerpt from a history text about wendlyn the weird) BUT ALSO 2) that there is no hope for defeating prejudice — because that’s impossible without diverse voices at the table. (I’m side-eyeing mr. Weasley hard here; the bills are labeled, sir, don’t be fucking weird about it).

But did jk* do it on purpose as commentary? Or is it just an accident of her creating a world where the main drama is driven by a fucking hitler wannabe and then asking 11 year olds to handle it.

Was it a criticism of white supremacy or simply a criticism of the extremists it can produce?

At the end of the day, this is the main reason I dislike the hp series today (I will live and die in fanfic).

Jk*’s epilogue showed us that her number 1 concern is maintaining the status quo—Harry’s kids are still getting on the same quaint train (for a completely unnecessary 6+ hour journey); Harry’s still perpetuating the hetero agenda, as are all his friends and former classmates (it’s the fact that this is the ONLY thing we know about their future selves that is so disturbing, not to mention that it alllllllllllways feels creepy to end childrens books telling children the point of life is to pop out more kids. Your targeted demographic DOES NOT NEED FAMILY PLANNING ADVICE FROM THE RICHEST WOMAN IN THE GD WORLD. PICK A BETTER MESSAGE ASSHOLE.) the kids still get sorted into isolating and polarizing houses (god, just look at fb algorithm to see how bad of an idea THAT is); etc etc….

Anyway. This is fucked up because it’s the status quo that had the war repeating itself. Grindewald and hitler; Voldemort and _____ (I never actually knew who voldie’s muggle counterpart was supposed to be; this is not a quest for suggestions. I shudder to think who jk* would have chosen). And so her ending... Her god damned cyclical ending is deliberately choosing to continue living in a broken system that churns out prejudice and a genocidal maniac popping once a generation.

It gets worse though when you look at the way she presents Tom riddle and Harry Potter as foils to one another in book 6, when Harry sees the life of young Tom riddle.

What was her point here? Why make their childhoods similar? Malfoy is a much more interesting (and potentially resolvable) foil than the genocidal maniac.

I’m also not sure how I feel about presenting Harry and Tom as similar looking, with a similar childhood, and similarly high powered. There feels something classist here, something gross that she’s saying about poverty (feel free to stick around for my later installment of Screaming into the Void regarding the absolutely unnecessary repeated humiliations of the weasley family; if you want to know what a textual micro aggression looks like, any of Harry’s observations of Ron’s face when money is discussed are prime examples)

My point is…. How do we grapple with a text that has taken so many world-building short cuts, it’s actually managed to say something incisive and painful about our own reality?

And how do we grapple with that ending? An ending that only promises a brief reprieve with the same battles rising up again in the future?

(Why keep telling that story anyway? If the only story we know is try hard and accept partial success leaving the real battle for the next generation, why would anyone ever try to do better?)

tldr: the fucking hatred is baked in.

And in her final chapter, she presents finding comfort in that system as a happy ending.

For her straight, white cast.

And people were surprised when she revealed herself as transphobic.

[delicioussshame]

In the never ending series of “things that aren’t wips because I can’t, I have to finish something before starting something else”, have this thing I posted as a wip before, featuring a version of PIDW where LBH collected his harem... differently, with guest star NYY.

Luo Binghe immediately recognises the man dressed in cultivator garb as Yingying’s shizun.

Beautiful and serene, she said. The perfect image of an untouchable immortal, dressed in white and pale greens. Always holding a fan of exquisite manufacture.

But more than her vivid descriptions of her shizun’s loveliness, he remembers what she said next.

She’d been lying on her side, her long cascading hair not managing to hide her luscious curves.

Luo Binghe had known she wouldn’t be ready for another round just yet, and so had been pleased to listen to her lighthearted pillow talk.

Today’s topic had been her exasperation with her shizun’s lack of sex life.

“Sometimes I can’t believe how obtuse he is. Liu-shishu has been courting him for years, and I don’t think he ever noticed. And don’t get me started on the sect master! All Shizun would have to do is bat his eyelashes and the sect master would drop everything to worship him! But no, he never takes him on it. For a while I thought maybe Shizun just preferred women, but more than one female disciple has tried her hand at him, all to no avail.”

Luo Binghe could imagine the type. Cultivators could be lofty. They think they’re above the needs of the flesh.

He always enjoys teaching them how wrong they are.

If the demonic part of his heritage revels in desecrating those pompous righteous cultivators, no one else could tell. Luo Binghe was too good at his chosen hobby to let his personal feelings interfere.

“I love and respect Shizun more than anyone. Without him, I would never have become the kind of cultivator who can afford A-Luo’s company. So I am motivated by filial piety and nothing else when I say that I have never met anyone who needs to get laid more than Shen Qingqiu.”

Luo Binghe had laughed. “Oh? Is Yingying going to replace me with her old teacher?”

Her scandalised look had sent him into another bout of laughter. “A-Luo! I would never!”

“Then why is she telling me this? Does she want me to take care of him?”

Ning Yingying had stared at him, a glint in her eyes. Luo Binghe could see the plans form in her head as she spoke. “Actually, that wouldn’t be a bad idea. It would do wonders for Shizun, and I know A-Luo loves breaking people like him.”

Luo Binghe had blinked, inwardly caught off-guard. He wasn’t blind. He knew Ning Yingying was a lot more observant than she appeared. It wasn’t the first time she had made that kind of comment. “Yingying knows me so well. Should I be worried?”

She had swapped at him. He could have easily evaded the blow, but he didn’t bother. “A-Luo doesn’t have anything to fear from me. But honestly, if I sent Shizun your way, would you take care of him? I really think he could benefit from it. And Shizun is very beautiful! Many will definitely be jealous if they ever find out.”

Luo Binghe had nothing against the idea of taking a peak lord to bed. He bet Xin Mo would love to feed on such high-quality cultivation. “I would be honored to entertain your teacher.”

He could tell from the way she had brightened he was about to be thoroughly thanked.

She had paid him too, both for herself and for her shizun’s future visit. Generously enough that Luo Binghe had wondered if he should praise her filial piety to her shizun.

She didn’t lie either. Shen Qingqiu really is exquisite.

Not as handsome as Luo Binghe himself, but nobody is. “You must be Shen Qingqiu.”

“Luo Binghe, I presume.” Luo Binghe cannot quite decipher the look he’s being given, which is rare enough to catch his attention. He’s pretty certain there’s some attraction there, but the rest? Trepidation? Outright fear? Disdain? Excitement?

He’s sure he’s going to find out. He gestures for Shen Qingqiu to sit down as he moves to prepare tea. He could have one of his servants handle it, but Luo Binghe has always preferred taking care of things himself. That personal touch has seduced more than one client, if they didn’t visit him only for his food.

Shen Qingqiu drinks the offered tea in silence before he starts talking. “If you would please tell me your fee, I will be refunding Ning Yingying a corresponding amount. I am sorry for wasting your time, but I have no interest in procuring your services.”

Ooh, that’s cute. If Luo Binghe wasn’t an expert at perceiving the signs of physical attraction, he might even believe him. Shen Qingqiu is interested, he’s sure of it. He’s just a prude, like Yingying said. “Yingying won’t accept it. Why refuse her most thoughtful gift?”

“My disciple should put her money to better uses.”

“I assure you, employing me is money well spent. You could find that out yourself.”

Luo Binghe bites back his amusement as the man stumbles, obviously embarrassed. “I didn’t mean to imply you weren’t… a credit to your profession. Please don’t take it personally. As I said, I have no interest in finding out myself.”

“But how will it look if you were to leave without finding out? My reputation will be hurt.”

“How could something this insignificant hurt the reputation of such a famous courtesan?”

Luo Binghe grins. “So even renowned cultivators have heard of me? Nothing bad, I hope?” And where did an isolated scholar like him caught wind of such lowbrow rumours, huh?

The sigh he’s answered with does not cloak a hint of amusement. “How many of the sect’s disciples have you seduced? You even managed to steal away Liu-shidi’s little sister, whose beauty and virtu are known across the land. Of course I have heard of you. More than I would have liked, if I am allowed to be honest.”

Ah. He should probably have expected that. Cang Qiong is full of eager young men and women. Apparently, Shen Qingqiu isn’t such a recluse that gossip doesn’t reach him. “I see. Still, you must have heard good things, or you wouldn’t have come into my parlour.”

Red is a good look on the man. Luo Binghe feels the first stirrings of desire rise into him. He just knows Shen Qingqiu would be stunning, lying despoiled on those formerly pristine robes, trying to discover what he’s begging for more of.

Not to mention he can almost hear Xin Mo purr. What a feast Shen Qingqiu will be.

Time to press on.

Luo Binghe reaches for the now empty cup of tea he’s certain Shen Qingqiu drained without tasting, making sure to caress the fingers still holding it with a touch just light enough to possibly be accidental, if one were very dumb or very blind. “Let me serve you again,” he says as he pours more tea with deliberate grace.

Instead, Shen Qingqiu rises from the table. “Don’t bother! I am obviously wasting your valuable time. If you won’t share with me how much Ning Yingying paid you, I will compensate her otherwise.”

Like Luo Binghe is letting him leave like this. “Would you have me waste the tea already prepared?”

“Drink it yourself! Surely it’s nothing compared to your usual breaches of propriety.”

Damn it. Luo Binghe miscalculated. Shen Qingqiu is too spooked to be open to further advances. Really, what a prude, to be so destabilised by a simple brush of hands.

If he can take a step back and defuse the tension enough for him not to leave… “You seem in such a hurry. Do you think I force myself on my visitors? I’m hurt.” As if he ever needed to use force to have someone.

Well, never without their consent, at least.

Shen Qingqiu doesn’t seem like he’d be into that, but then again, people can surprise you.

“I’m not scared! I just have no reason to be here any longer. Thank you for your time. I’ll be leaving my student in your care.” For a moment, there’s a glower in his eyes that Luo Binghe wouldn’t mind seeing more of. “Be good to her, or my next visit will be far less pleasant.”

Aww. Shen Qingqiu cares! How cute. “So I have to get a bit rough if I want to see you again?”

His outraged face almost makes him laugh. “Don’t you dare!”

“Or are you looking for an excuse for our paths to cross again? I assure you it’s unnecessary. I’d welcome you anytime.”

“I will keep that in mind,” says Shen Qingqiu absentmindedly, already crossing the door.

Luo Binghe lets him leave. Obviously, this will be going nowhere today.

Really, he’s offended. He cannot remember someone rejecting him so blatantly, ever. Worse, Xin Mo will be cranky. A treat was dangled in its metaphorical face, and then was cruelly taken away before it could have a taste.

He can’t let this humiliation stand.

He won’t have to. The delicate fan Shen Qingqiu came with, red spider lilies on a stark white background, is still on the table, forgotten in his haste to leave.

Luo Binghe’s customer service is impeccable. He’ll be returning the abandoned item himself.

It’s not like finding the peak lord of Qing Jing will be a challenge.

[mmikmmik2]

If you were to sort the Infinity Train cast(s) into the Major Arcana a la the Persona games, which Arcana would you give everyone?

anon I had SOOOOO much fun thinking about this, thank you so much for sending me this. I sorted all the major characters, plus a few other entries, based on a mix of Arcana symbolism, Persona series character archetypes, and general vibes. I came up with answers I feel pretty good about for all but four of the Arcana. (Was really tempted to say Strength is every human character who doesn't board the train because they can handle their problems on their own lol.) This is going to be a long-winded post, so I thought I’d post just the list as an image (which hopefully won’t be too blurry!) rather than wrestle with Tumblr formatting trying to make a short list, and put a big text wall under the readmore talking more about my picks.

If this list does end up illegible, the same info is under the readmore as text! Plus some characters for Magician, Strength, Justice, and Death that I didn’t want to add to the “official” list because they’re more based on headcanon. (Although my reasoning for some of the “official” picks is pretty weak lol.)

One-One as 0. The Fool

Oh my gosh, what am I?

IT is great at fleshing out character backstories and families, so One-One at the beginning of S1 is one of the few characters who really feels like a blank slate. He's got a lot of his baggage back by the end of the season, and I think One and One-One are more similar than they seem at first glance, but S1 does seem to have been very formative for One-One and how he thinks about what he's supposed to be doing and how he relates to other people. So it does kind of feel like his fool's journey.

Alrick Timmens as I. The Magician

The magician begins the journey... by beefing it on a dirt bike, dying, and sending his wife flying off the deep end. Rip.

Alrick was an engineer like Amelia, so I could see him suiting some of the themes of the Magician, like conscious thought and manifesting ideas. His apparent playfulness and insecurity are similar to the Magician characters in Persona.

Kez as II. The High Priestess

“We can’t make this decision for you, Kez.” “You know what to do.”

I thought really hard about making Kez the Magician because just like every Magician since Persona 3, she's dumb, horny, and insecure dlkjasfdkl

(and also her showing up at the start of the story arc and being helpful but also super needy is very Magician)

But the idea of "intuition" really does suit Kez. Sometimes her intuition is as bad as her conscious reasoning, but I think that's a lot because she's so confused about what happened with Jeremy, and Morgan making Kez feel like she did a bad thing by helping him.

Tuba as III. The Empress

She made me feel like I was warm all the time.

Tuba's a mom. Sorry, this one's not that deep, haha.

Simon Laurent as IV. The Emperor

Highest number! I'm the leader now.

Simon has a lot of issues, but the one that felt the most prominent to me was his unhealthy relationship with power, authority, dominance, and rules. Another quote I considered using here was what he said in Grace's memory of meeting Amelia: "I never thought I'd get to see the Conductor with my own eyes. He's perfect! Everything finally makes sense again." In his emotional crisis, he thought everything could be fixed just by the existence of a huge, scary, powerful, male authority figure, even if they weren't doing anything helpful or informative.

Atticus as V. The Hierophant

I like to think that our stones are sturdy and handsome, like the Corgis that crafted them.

Atticus is a figure of traditional authority who deeply loves the history, society, and culture of his people. He often provides spiritual wisdom and encourages Tulip to get out of her own head and engage with the world around her. Also in Persona, Hiero is the Dad Arcana so it's very funny to me (a) to make the little dog be Hiero and (b) that the little dog really does have the strongest Wholesome Dad Energy of the whole cast.

Jesse Cosay as VI. The Lovers

Don't tell me what to do. I'm not going to be a part of anything like this, on or off the train.

This was my first and easiest pick lol, Jesse is sooooo Lovers. Like, the focus on choice and personal values and relationships? Yep, that's Jesse. It works on an "actual meaning of the Arcana" level and a "vibes with the Persona characters" level lol... popular, upbeat, and having such an identity crisis.

Lake as VII. The Chariot

I'm my own person, who is getting off this train!

I don't know if Chariot captures all the ways Lake grew over the course of S2, but I feel like they had the most externally focused conflict of all the IT characters, which suits Chariot. They've been fighting to stake out their personhood from start to finish, and they took action and used their willpower to achieve that goal. Also they have at least a little jock energy which is a prereq for Chariot tbh.

Frank as VIII. Strength

I dunno, I kinda imagine him as a simple man and easily underestimated, but with a lot of heart. The Cat may say they're keeping things casual but I don't think she'd take him with her on her private vacation unless he had some kind of inner toughness that would let him stand toe-to-toe with her.

Morgan as IX. The Hermit

I need to be alone right now. Kez... maybe... we can talk later.

I like that Morgan embodies toxic self-isolation and stonewalling and rejection, but that she seems to be moving towards the positive aspects of Hermit and taking some time to calm down and process and think. I like it when characters can embody the best and worst of their Arcana.

Tulip Olsen as X. The Wheel of Fortune

We have to adapt to the changes in our lives. It's the only way things can get better.

Tulip has a lot of themes and conflicts, but this one is a clear standout as the most important. I also like it for Tulip because, while she has to handle a lot of difficult and even traumatic situations, some of the change that challenges her isn't as unambiguously bad as e.g. the death of a loved one. It really is just change itself she's struggling with, and that's Fortune babey. Also, from the perspective of the train itself and lots of other characters, by reversing Amelia and One-One's positions again and changing how One-One administrates the train, Tulip is the one giving the wheel a spin. That's fun.

Lucy as XI. Justice

One of my friends once described the Justice characters in Persona as "the ones the player character is ultimately accountable towards", and I like to think of Lucy as kind of being that for Grace (...since Hazel has excused herself). Lucy is the Apex kid we see Grace interact with the most, the first Apex kid Grace admitted to herself that she had harmed (see Grace very briefly showing distress and then regret when Jesse points the harpoons at his face and she stops him), and the first person to confront Grace when she came home in The New Apex.

Min-Gi Park as XII. The Hanged Man

I don't know if we'll sell a single album, but we'll figure that out as we go.

Min-Gi sacrifices his "realistic", "sensible" goals for a more personally (spiritually, even?) enriching life that's beyond his control and outside of the expected norm. Like the Hanged Man, who dangles foolishly upside-down, but as a deliberate choice and in a state of serenity and enlightenment. I also think this arcana suits a reading of Min-Gi's character development as starting off going slower as a way to stall and live in denial, but then going slower with deliberation. Compare his arrogant insistence on refusing to act in The Astro Queue Car to his patience and care in The Castle Car and The Train to Nowhere.

Jeremy as XIII. Death

This isn't about the death of his family - I'm thinking of his reluctance to admit his number was going down. He cared about Morgan and Kez, and it's possible both that he may have really wanted to stay with them despite his exit and that that might even have been a healthy choice - they're real ass people with feelings and everything, not holodeck characters. But I also think Jeremy was using his life with them to avoid moving on out of that fog (because it was hard and it hurt and he didn't want to think about what that would mean for him and Morgan) and Morgan was enabling him.

Ryan Akagi as XIV. Temperance

Maybe the experience is the point. I wasn't just rushing you. I was rushing myself.

I think this one speaks for itself. Also, the other quote I considered putting here, from The Art Gallery Car: "You told me I can't appreciate the song without taking in the rest of the album. I need the whole package."

The Cat as XV. The Devil

I always do the right thing.

Honestly, this is one I really wasn't sure about. The Cat isn't a great pick for a lot of the meanings of Devil. She is definitely consumed by material comforts, and the short-term rewards of ignoring her issues at a long-term cost, though. This is more of a "vibes with Persona characters with this arcana" pick... Devil characters tend to start off being somewhat exploitative or even antagonistic towards the player character, and gradually showing a more conflicted and genuine side.

Amelia Hughes as XVI. The Tower

There's a hole in the universe where Alrick used to be.

Amelia's life is defined by catastrophe and upheaval - both those she's suffered and those she's inflicted on others.

Hazel as XVII. The Star

I'm going to keep loving you like you're still here.

When I think of "The Star" as a small but inextinguishable light in the darkness, Hazel seems like the obvious choice. Although we left her deeply wounded, I think she still has a flicker of her hope, faith, and purpose.

Grace Monroe as XVIII. The Moon

But it's unfair for me to tell you how to understand yourself. I mean, I don't even fully understand me.

Grace is probably the most complex and dynamic character on the show and hence one of the most difficult to place. I considered Empress, Strength, Devil, and Judgement for her... I think ultimately, lies and illusions are the most unifying theme of her character arc. Also, from a Persona angle, her pursuit of status out of a lack of true self-worth reminds me of Ai and Mishima.

Alan Dracula as XIX. The Sun

Brought together by the majesty of a superpowered deer!

I'm sorry dkjasfklads this is largely because I thought it was funny to have this completely inexpressive dead-eyed deer as Sun akfk but also... like... it kind of works okay!!! Think about the genuine joy and comfort and positivity he brings to Lake and Jesse (and me)!

The New Apex as XX. Judgement

"Then what are we gonna be?" "Guess we'll have to figure it out?"

This is kind of a Persona mythology gag again because of Judgement being a group social link near the end of the narratives of P3 and P4, when the protagonists have pierced through the lies and actually figured out who the villain of their game is and are ready to really start making progress.

0 as XI. The World

Ah, train does it again!

It's an ending and the completion of a journey, but also the beginning of a new one. And the world is literally what the passengers receive at the end of their train journey. Welcome home.