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taliecin · 1 year

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i’m procrastinating on my uni assignments and i’m also generally frustrated with not having any drawing skills so let me just bombard you with something that has been rotting my brain recently LeoSagi “Millennium Actress” AU “What”, you might ask. Well, let me share everything I have on hand at the moment SPOILERS FOR “MILLENNIUM ACTRESS (just in case)

Also please keep in mind, the movie discussed below is build heavily on the history of Japan and Japanese cinema specifically. I am myself not Japanese and, alas, I don’t even have much knowledge on both subjects, so I tried to avoid going into historical details. Also, part of text is focused on Japan’s role and activity during WWII. I consider myself to be under no obligation to make any statements on subject, I only took actual historical facts and did my best to not manipulate them. Apologies in advance for not researhing more before writing this.

For those of you who don’t know, “Millennium Actress” is an animated movie directed by Satoshi Con, whom you might know for his other works such as “Paprika” or “Perfect Blue”. I strongly recommend cheking out Con’s full filmography, which is, alas, really short, but for now let’s focus on “Actress”.

I won’t share the whole plot of the movie in here, since this crossover story follows movie pretty closely. “Millenium Actress” is a story of retired actress Fujiwara Chiyoko who, along with her biggest fan and interviewer Tachibana Genya and his cameraman, travels through the memories of her life and work, while also revealing a story of her one and true love, which she chased her whole life. Let;s just state that this is a story of love that reaches through time and layers of reality - Chiyoko’s memories of her actual life and her roles blend together throughout the story, which blures the line of reality and fantasy, a repetitive theme for Con . It’s also a beautiful love letter to history of Japanese Cinema, critical retrospective of Japanese History and, overall, one of the best movies i’ve ever seen, so please make sure to watch it.

And now, let’s get to tortoise and hare. This story is not based on any particular version of TMNT or Usagi. On the contrary, the whole point to me was to blend all this variations of the same characters. Just as with Chiyoko’s character, for this version of Usagi I took some inspiration from a real-life actor, Toshiro Mifune (uh-huh), mostly known for his roles in Akira Kurasawa’s samurai movies AND for his portrayal of Miyamoto Musashi in so called “Samurai Trilogy”, based on a book about Miyamoto.

The main characters of this crossover story are Miyamoto Usagi, a retired actor living as a hermit, and his young fan... Usagi Yuichi. I kinda thought it would be an actually interesting way to use his character. He is a president of a really small fun club dedicated to Usagi, (since his glory days are long gone), and his last name is also just a little funny coincidence which he considers to be a sign from Fate. (Yes, he is not blood-related to Usagi in this story, hope it’s ok). He works with “Samurai Rabbit” version of Chizu as his camera assistant, because i actually find their dinamic fitting for the story.

They are finally able to arrange the interview with Usagi, and once they arrive, they are met with an old man with a scar over his left brow, red eyes, pale white skin and pale hair. I strongly headcanon human!Usagi to be albino, i hope it’s ok. Before the start of an actual interview, Yuichi gives Usagi a key, which an elder man instantly recognizes. He asks Yuichi where did he find it, but Yuichi says he only recieved it after the announcement of him doing this interview, with inctructions to give the key to Usagi. Usagi then shares that he lost the key a long time ago, and that it opens “the most important thing there is”.

He first tells of his childhood, which is pretty close to movie - Usagi was born in trying times for world, when Japan’s military ambitions led to conquest of Chinese lands. Usagi’s father was a grandson to a samurai turned merchant, whose position grew with Meiji period, and so Usagi’s father, while owning a business, a small shop, took big pride in his heritage, and taught his son to do so, to be proud of who he is as a person. Not to mention their common albinism. I wasn’t able to find any proper resource on history of albino people’s position throughout Japanese history (if you have any please contact me i’m really curious!), since some resources claim that due to beauty standarts albino people could have been even looked up to, others talk about white being associated with gods, priests and sacrality, while others point out white’s association with death. Nevertheless, I imagine Usagi’s childhood to be quite lonely, both because of his appearance and the fact that he was born on Chinese territories occupated by Japan - can’t imagine it to be the best place for a child to grow up in. He made a couple of close friends eventually, them being Kenichi, who couldn’t care less for Usagi’s looks, and Mariko, who also didn’t care that some people considered Usagi scary (can’t blame them with the look he can give when he’s angry - even as a child!) and even considered his red eyes to be “really pretty”.

As a boy he, of course, grew up listening to stories of greatest samurai and their war victories, and so he would sometimes dream of becoming a war hero, great soldier, strong and respected. The perspective of inheriting his father’s business didn’t really thrilled him.

When he was a teenager, nearly coming of age, he was approached with a proposal from a “Kita” film studio. One of their representative noticed Usagi and thought his interesting appearence would look good on screen, so they offered Usagi to participate in filming. Miyamoto Sr. refused the offer, both not wanting his son to be actively involved in Japanese propoganda , since you never know which way the wind will blow, and wanting Usagi to inherit his business. Usagi, not a fun of idea, felt devastated, and left the house to clear his head. It was bright winter day outside. It was then, when a fateful meeting took place.

A stranger runs straight into Usagi, causing them both to fall. Next moment, the stranger is already helping Usagi up, and Usagi looks at him - it is a young man, around Usagi’s age, and he apologizes to him, before running away. Usagi, startled, didn’t even say anything. But then, he notices an item, apparantely something stranger lost. It is a simple key, and Usagi picks it up. He is then approached by a group of men in police uniform, one of them asking if Usagi saw a “runaway urchin”. Usagi says he stumbled in him and directs men the wrong way. Then, making sure they left, he follows the boy himself, only to find him not that far away, wounded.

So, I think so far an implication of the stranger boy being Leonardo is pretty much clear. I’m not describing him in any way since it will ruin one of the plot points, and also, again, because i don’t follow any specific version of tmnt. But i think it was less clear that one of the policemen following Leo is Oroku Saki himself - i had hard time figuring out how to point him out since his appearance is always different and there’s nothing special about it either, aside from his armor, soo please share if you have any ideas how to do him.

Then, Usagi hides the boy in the storage of his father’s shop and treats his injuries. They have a talk, in which boy talks about his home, and how it’s full white during winter, (I associate each turtle from any version with seasons, with Donnie representing spring to me, Mikey - summer, Raph - autumn, and Leo - winter, don’t fight me, i might write about it later), and how he can’t wait to go back there and be with his family in peace, once again. They also talk about war - the boy, who I now will call just Stranger, mentions that his whole family fights now, even his younger brothers, and how he will join theme soon. They also talk about hope - for better tommorow. I think this whole theme of moving along to new day fits Leo really well (ninja’s greatest weapon you guys). Eventually, Usagi asks about the key he found, but when Stranger tells that it opens the most important thing and Usagi asks to elaborate, Stranger simply promises to tell him after he comes back from Manchuria and the war ends. They make a promise to each other.

Since then, Usagi just can’t keep the boy and his words out of his head. It’s like his whole image of the world shifted. Kenichi and Mariko even mocked him, claiming he must have fallen in love. The thought terrifies Usagi, which i suppose goes without an explanation, and he runs away from his friends in embarrassament and even horror. It is then when he finds the very same key once again, realizes something is wrong and rushes home. There he’s met with Katsuichi, who works for Miyamoto Sr. He tells Usagi of a terrible outlaw hidding in their shop and then whispers quitely that Stranger succesfully made it to train staiton. And Usagi runs there. Train leaves right in front of him. He stops there, watching the train go, with a promise to find Stranger, give him the key and learn what it opens. He remembers “Kita” studio’s proposal and thinks that if he makes it to the big screen the Stranger has chance of finding him himself.

Yuichi and Chizu follow the scene with great attention, until Yuichi shares a tear and whispers how it’s his favourite scene from that movie.

Apparently, they just “witnessed” a scene from one of Usagi’s first movies. Chizu is extreamly confused.

Later after that, Katsuichi talks with Miyamoto Sr. and they discuss what happens in West. The war, greater than any war they could have imagine, is upcoming. Usagi is considered adult now. To make sure he avoids military service, Katsuichi, not being in favor of Japan’s curent regime and not wanting Usagi to go to battlefield for it, advises to let the boy go to the film studio. Miyamoto Sr. can only agree. Thus, Usagi’s acting career begins.

Of course, they go to film in Manchuria. On the way there, Usagi meets studio’s main director, whose last name is Mifune, and who seems to geniully like Usagi and thinks he has talent and great future ahead of him, and curent project’s main actor Hikiji. Studio workers share that Hikiji is a cruel, slick type and apparently is in conflict with Mifune, so who knows how that is going to end. He also meets young man called Noriyuki, currently a director assistant dreaming of becoming a director himself. They become kind friends, and Usagi shares the story of the key with him, not bringing up the “in love” part of the story.

In the current movie Usagi plays a young japanese soldier, and Hikiji’s character finds out he joined army only to find someone, currently fighting here in Manchuria. He shames boy for not serving his country properly but Usagi’s character claims that he would gladly die for his counrty, he just has to see this person, just this once again. Due to lack of expirience, Usagi sometimes lacks in perfomance, which Hikiji uses to harass the boy. Their rival starts, and it’s both terifying and pathetic how much hatred a grown man can have for one single boy. He constantly shames him, harasses him, and treats him roughly. But Usagi just keeps going, gives actually good perfomance and impresses the whole crew. News claim that more active military confrontation takes place on the north of the province. Strangely, this is where filming of the next movie takes place.

It is jidaigeki film, taking place in Heian period, where Usagi plays a guardian to the lord. After that, the narrative goes completely blended in terms of Usagi’s actaul life and his roles. In this movie, Usagi’s castle is attacked and his lord is killed, but before he can follow him to death, a strange mystical figure appears. It seems to be a man, slim, tall, looking slighlty demonic. He curses Usagi to neverending path, the one that will never give him the peace of Death.

This is when another man appears, and sends demon away. Apperantely, he is Usagi’s character friend, who is a demon queller taught in arts of sorcery. He claims that demon triked Usagi and that his lord is away somewhere else and they need to find him.

In the next scene Usagi appears playing a samurai of a Muromachi era, who seeks to save his lord and bring revenge on their enemies. Together with a character’s comrad, a warrior no less fierce than Usagi’s character, they fight through the enemy’s ranks, when Usagi’s friend covers Usagi from the blow and thus gets killed. Usagi promises to never forget his scrifice.

Chizu watches old, “feeble” Usagi and Yuichi re-acting the scene with a great regret of being here in the first place. This is also when she dicedes to clear if she’s not mistaken and after filming this movie Mifune was arrested for cooperating with anti-japanese forces in China and in West and “Kita” was disbanded. It appears to be true.

(a place to insert the famous “Run” scene, unironically one of the greatest scenes in history of cinema, and not the last one from this movie!)

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Usagi, as considered close to Mifune and his family, was also arested and interrogated. Memories blend once again. He’s pretty sure a familiar face was among interogatores, the one that already asked him questions once. Nevertheless, Usagi is soon released, due to lack of any proofs of his involvment.

Next follows the discussion of Japanese war forces and activities during WWII. This is a sensitive topic, so please proceed with caution and please keep in mind that I in no case have any intention to dismiss Japan’s war crimes, i’m simply portraing a person living a life through such times and figuring out a way to live through them. (I’m not making Usagi a war criminal, god please no-)

After that, Usagi and other young men from studio are sent to war. His expirience granted him possition in the Aerial Photography, within Aviation division. There he met Gunichi, who was somewhat his mentor during his service. During the time, Japanese army was expiriencing shortage of supplies, especially food, medicine and etc. Not to talk about casualties. Not to talk about increasing amount of kamikaze attacks closer to the end of war. Several of which Usagi witnessed. Several of which pilots he was familiar with. He was familiar with Gunichi who, as it turned out, sent those pilot to those missions. That led to a lot of conflicts and loosing a single person who he thought he could rely on. War left something in him that never could have been described.

And then it was over. Just like that. He served for no more than 3 years, which felt like decades, only for the war to end so abruptly. It should have ended in the very first month, and it felt like it would never end. He heard of what happened to Hiroshima and Nagasaki. He just wanted to go home.

Home that was no longer his, even if rightfully so. His father and Katsuichi moved away from border, deeper into the country, to safety, each on their own now. Usagi stayed here, helping to clear all the rubble. He just needed to do something, be useful somewhere. He was so deep in his work he didn’t even realised he reached what was left of their family shop. There stood a wall of their storage. On the wall something was written. Somehow, Usagi knew who wrote this. And it cleared up everything.

あなたは一人じゃない

He moves to Tokio to reunite with Noriyuki and accept his offer to return to acting. After-war times are tought, but they just try to keep doing what they do best - to make movies. Besides, with the War over, the Stranger just has to fullfill his promise, right?

During the time, Usagi keeps playing in jigaideki movies. In a first movie directed by Noriyuki himself, Usagi plays Edo period ronin, who befriends a ninja and thus becomes a suspect in crime forced upon the said ninja. He’s interrogated, but never says anything. It’s not like he knows anything useful anyway. Later he is released with a help of his old another “shaddy” friend, a young lady who also happens to be a thief. Apparantely, she gave up all the money she stole to release him.

Reality blends again. He is released again, and the guard, all too familiar, says they don’t need him anymore, they found the criminal anyway. Realisation hits him just as he watches familiar figure disapearing behind jail’s gates, and once again he’s not fast enough to reach him in time.

Present time Usagi doesn’t feel good. Yuichi asks if they should stop for today, but Usagi insists to keep telling the story.

After war, he also reunited with Kenichi and Mariko, with Mariko apparently waiting to meet him again all these years and Kenichi in love with Mariko. And Usagi can’t help but think that maybe this is what he actually wants. Something he must want. She is beautiful, sweet and perfect, right here.

There is also, right here, on little chain on his neck, the key.

When Chizu, eager for little drama, asks if they were actually a thing in the end, Usagi just says “Wouldn’t you like to know” with a funny smile. So, yeah, sorry, no confirmation or denial of Jotaro’s existance in here, but you can think it up yourself!

Usagi’s career bloomed and so the new studio he worked on - “Geishu”. He meets Tomoe Ame, who works alongside with Noriyuki. Many speculate her and Usagi to be a thing. Usagi’s father demands them to be a thing. Katsuichi points out it’s been years since him and Stranger last met. Usagi finally snaps and says he knows young man is still alive and he will find him no matter what. Even if he’s going to search forever.

It’s like a curse, honestly.

His mental state is not good, both from him overworking himself on studio, his untreated PTSD and just overall stress. He snaps during work once, thus enraging Hikiji, for whom it’s one of his last role before he retires. To try to stay in touch with a world and reality, Usagi reaches out to the key. It’s not there.

It’s gone.

Whole studio is on edge, trying to find the key, until one of the workers gets curious and starts asking what’s the story with the key.

The narrative switches to Usagi playing a teacher somewhere after a war, who’s trusted with a troublesome class but who eventually manages to earn their trust and respect. They ask him about his loved one. They ask him how they met. They ask him if she’s pretty.

Usagi realises he can’t even remember young man’s face. He never learned anything about him and he can’t even remember his face.

Yuichi asks if this was when he decided to propose to Tomoe. He did, but sometime after the proposal Tomoe approached him with a gift and asking to break off the engagement. It was the key. The very same one. When asked, she explained she as at Hikiji’s place, something to do with sorting things out with his retirment, when she found this. All these years, Hikiji hated Usagi. For his spirit. For his strenght. For being able to move forward even after all these years, no matter what he did to break him. Not even after Hikiji told authorities about Mifune.

Usagi is enranged, when a man, whose face is slightly familiar, but only so, approaches him and says someone wants to see him. Usagi is shocked to see the same policeman who kept chasing the Stranger all this time. It’s hard to say what imprinted him more, war or post-war, but he looks terrible. He tells Usagi about the young man he captured, and how he kept a letter for Usagi and now, after the war, the man decided to atone for his crimes and was finally able to reach to Usagi and give him the letter.

Usagi reads the letter. He can’t just stand there anymore. He spent all these years, searching, being on his way to this unknown young man. He can’t stop now. He rushes out of the studio, Yuichi and Chizu following him, but before they leave, Yuichi notices a man, the same one that announced the visitor. The man was standing above the visitor, who was on his knees, in position of deepest apologies. The man watched him silently, not moving.

Meanwhile Usagi rushes to the train station - trough the rain flooded streets, through the traffic, slipping, falling, stumblign into people, but not even noticing them. Only words from the letter replaying in his head.

“I regret never being able to thank you. I want to see you, but the war grows more intense each day. When the war is over, and the peace has come, I will go home, and I will see my family. Some day, I’d like you to meet them. I am sure they will like you. And then, I’ll show you the sky, the clear sky, just as I promised.”

It’s like he’s everyone and everywhere at the scale of time. He’s an Edo period Ronin, coming for his friend, he’s Samurai, protecting his lord, he’s a young soldier, coming through war to find his loved one, he’s even a young leuitanant who refuses to fight the giant kaiju because a person dear to him is eager to protect it.

The train Usagi takes is derailed, and he goes throug the forest by himself, not able to stop. When he reaches the road, a motorcyclist , a young man with his hair bleached white, asks if he needs a ride. Chizu chuckles, finally stating that now she can finally recognize Yuichi.

Usagi carries on his way, going through the winter covered lands of Stranger’s home, like it’s some alien planet, where human’s foot steps for the first time. And on that planet, a single wall stands, with familiar phrase wrote unfinished. Ink leaves the trail behind the wall, and when Usagi goes there, a figure stands at horizon and waves at him awkwardly, before dissapearing fully. Usagi claims to fulfill his promise and find the Stranger, to not stop until he finds him.

***

This is the moment for me to stop you right there and show the actual scene. Usually “Run” is considered to be the most important scene in the movie, which i can’t argue with - it’s beautifully made scene that always me go heart-shape eyes.

But

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This scene right here, is the epitome of the movie for me. It’s like an antipode to “Run”, with “Run” being full of ligth hope, love and joy of journey. “Actress in the time layers”, this scene, is if “Run” was filled with desperation, rush, attempt to clatch at something that slips through fingers. But it’s still, on its basis, is full of hope.

And i consider THIS scene to be the most important in the movie.

***

During the filming of one of Usagi’s last movies, an earthquake takes place, causing filming set to colapse. Usagi gets burried under all the rubble, but a man helps him out, asks if he’s okay. Man’s face is so familiar. So familiar but never enought, it’s like demons are laughing at him. It’s his curse and his greatest joy, to keep searching.

He snaps and leaves the set. Key is forgotten there, only to that unfortunate man to pick it up.

After the incident, Usagi finally left cinema, leaving behind a huge legacy and a lot of questions which he never answered.

When now asked by Yuichi why did he leave, Usagi shows him and Chizu the fragment of the wall with あなたは一人じゃない writtern on it. He was no longer the boy Stranger met all those years ago. The Stranger himself definately no longer a boy himself.

Usagi’s condition gets worse, and an ambulance takes him to the hospital. While on their way there, Yuichi takes out the box where he held the key and takes out a folded paper from under it’s lining. He explains to Chizu that this letter was sent to him along with the key, but he didn’t fully understood it and so decided to first give Usagi the key and then decide what to do with the letter.

Apparently the key and the letter were sent by a member of the Stranger’s family. In the letter, they explain that Stranger himself was killed during interrogation year before the war ended. All these years, Usagi was chasing the ghost of the dead man.

The doctors explain that Usagi won’t make it, and Yuichi and Chizu go to say their goodbyes. Yuichi gently points out that maybe now he will be finally able to meet the Stranger again. Usagi thanks them, deeply grateful for giving him the opportunity to step on this road to him again. After all, he quite enjoyed coming all this way.

I imagine the very last scene to be him playing a ronin, stepping on his way to continue his journey forward, who knows where. It’s autumn.

***

As for Yuichi, his prototipe, Genya, also has his own character arc, and I have not forgotten about him. Within the fandom, I had my own issues with Yuichi, not with him as a character, but rather him and Usagi being used as each other’s loose change, which i think is just fundamentaly wrong in relation to both characters. Even more so, Yuichi is often portrait as if he does not have his own character, so he has tendancy to be portrait as wanted by each fan differently. Which i don’t want to frame as something forbidden or blasphemy, but it’s just something that i’m uncomfortable with. And so, practically, i made the main arc for Yuichi in this story - which is to come to terms with his own self. Throughout the story, he wears masks of other characters that appear in Usagi’s movies - he chooses to be anyone but himself - scrawny kid who just really loves this movie star and his works. And his journey with Usagi is a path to himself, to who he is at the end.

***

I hope you liked this concept, trust me, it was much better in my head, and i know i made a mistake trying to express this story in words, because it heavily relies on visual storytelling, especially through montage. So, here’s the thing - if you liked the premise, go watch the movie, and just visualise it. Trust me, it’s so worth it, with Con’s vision brought to life, beautiful animation and Susumu Hirasawa’s magnificent soundtrack.

Thanks for reading!!!

#millennium actress #Usagi Yojimbo #tmnt #leosagi #crossover #so sorry #i’m so normal about this movie and AU

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echo-bleu · 1 year

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Writing thoughts

I've been in something like writing limbo since the start of the year. Wordcount-wise, I've written about as much in three months as I often do in one (45k), and I've had more days of no writing at all than I've had since, uh. 2018, or thereabout. It's a combination of work picking up and tiring me out, and being kind of confused about what fandom I'm currently in xD

What I wouldn't do to be a full time writer, though.

The truth is, I've found myself at a loss, procrastinating, aimlessly scrolling, and generally doing nothing (aside from rereading LOTR on my usual writing/drawing time). While it's certainly needed at time to not be productive, it's not actually good for my mental health right now, so I'm going to give myself a bit of a motivation boost and sign up for Camp NaNo with a 40k goal. It's okay if I don't meet it, but it's a fairly reasonable goal for me and it will force me to at least attempt to write every day. I'm here, if anyone wants to be buddies.

I've hit a bit of a burnout regarding Witcher, and at the same time I got (back) into LOTR and started thinking about fics there but I'm not fully in, so to say, so this will be episode #TooMany of 'Echo tries to juggle two fandoms at the same time'. For the record, every other episode failed miserably.

Things I want to write (at least bits of):

Original short story that will remain a mystery for now: it's going to be fairly short and it's well in progress already, with a full plot and a deadline, so it's the priority.

Witcher fics: - that thunder in your lungs: I was steadily writing the main fic of this series when things went sideways... And I have far too many ideas for the rest of it. - for all the things that drum: Again, many ideas! The priority is the sequel to Dandelion Season where Jaskier's powers are actually explained, but then the rest of the series will be after his jump back in time. - if your voice begins to crack: I need to sort through the writing I already have to see what can be posted, because it's a shame that it's all just sitting there waiting for a part I'm struggling with. And then write said part, hopefully. - left you behind just standing there: I have four chapters ready to go, I just need to get my ass into gear and write out the rest.

LOTR fics: - Long fic that's probably too niche for anyone to read, but I'm stoked about it, and I'd like to at least properly plot it out. It's a heist! It's dark and angsty! Sauron has the Ring! It's very fucked up but I love it. - I have started two different parts of a series of Faramir-centric fics set post-canon, that include a variety of queer and disabled characters and a lot of recovering and trying to heal from trauma. Less high-stakes, they'll mostly be short-ish one-shots, hopefully.

Singer Street. My poor poor original novel that I keep putting on the backburner. Would be really nice if I managed to get back into that one.

#echo's writing thoughts

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emmythespacecowgirl · 2 years

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Could I request a ship?

I have short dark brown hair and brown eyes. I have pearl earrings currently. I am 5'6. I am also ftm and gay.

I am currently learning German and Ukrainian. I play the cello (I would say that I'm pretty decent at it). I want to join the paratroopers soon and maybe get a doctorate degree in the medical field. I like writing books, reading, and drawing. I am very interested in history mainly the 20th century. I also know how to cross-country ski and love the winter.

My MBTI type if I remember correctly is INTJ. I love procrastinating and do well under a lot of pressure. I'm also very stubborn and awkward with talking to people so I don't have many close friends. For some reason, I have a sort of knack for doing things well, even if it's the first time I've tried it and that might be because I listen really closely to stuff to make sure I'm doing everything correctly. I need a straightforward path and a list of things I should do to get something done.

I have depression, anxiety and maybe (I say maybe because it's undiagnosed) maladaptive daydreaming, which basically means I daydream too much that it's a problem. Any small words of affection or reassurance sends me through the roof and makes me happy for the rest of the day (idk why). I also get angry very quickly and forget things quickly.

I am converting to Judaism so that’s cool. My sense of clothing style is just me pretending I’m in the military, pleather jackets, heavy jackets that are either camo or dark green, aviator sunglasses, a lot of neutral colours, fancy dress shirts/blouses, combat boots (which I currently do not own so just tennis shoes or winter boots), I have a few BoB pins which I have created on my own :) I like wearing t-shirts in winter under my jacket just because. The t-shirts usually have designs like aeroplanes, space, and museum shirts. I also have a collection of shirts from places I’ve never been cause I think it’s hilarious. I do a lot of things just cuz I think they’re funny.

I keep a lot of stuff in my pockets “just in case”. I impulse buy, which is a big insecurity of mine. People intimidate me easily so I usually wait to get approached to start a conversation. I like watching adventure shows like extinct or alive or expedition unknown.

I would say that I have a very dark sense of humour and am almost always sarcastic when talking to my friends (also I love irony). I have an interesting music taste, most any song I listen to goes onto my liked songs on Spotify heh. I sometimes slip into a British accent or one that isn’t mine at all.

I tend to get myself injured a least once daily. (this is a not a problem for me anymore)

Wow can I just say that you sound like the most interesting person?! I feel like we would honestly be friends irl. I also really need someone to teach me how to cross-country ski, bc I’ve never done that before 🤭

I ship you with:

Lewis Nixon from Band of Brothers!

Ship theme song: Real Love by The Beatles

Y’all make the most interesting couple!

You both know a lot about really obscure stuff

Two Encyclopedia Bitches In Love💕

He finds your dark brown hair and brown eyes so sexy

The two of you know soooo many languages

He loves when you speak Ukrainian to him

Since that is one language that he hasn’t quite picked up yet

Meeting you during the war in Germany and he thinks your German at first because you speak the language so well

Lew was raised on classical music

So he loves sitting down with a glass of Chardonnay while you play your cello

Is very supportive of you entering the medical field

You probably meet at a field hospital during Bastogne

I feel like you two will have a huge shared library of books together

Lew is a lover of pop culture and history

He can spew weird history facts at you all day

And he loves that you probably already know all of them🤭

You love to ski?!

This dude will literally buy a Swiss mountain chalet just so you can both going skiing together in the winter months

Intj and entp personalities are very complimentary just saying

Y’all nickname your house Procrastination Station

Literally, all Nix ever did during the war

Besides drink

Was work under pressure

But he’ll never push you to do anything you don’t want to do

Nix lives in a very laidback manner

And he’s glad that you do, too

This man hates to be rushed through life

Nix was that Gifted And Talented kid in school

So he relates to your ability to do things perfectly the first time

Those first few years after the war were tough on you both

Nix had a lot of baggage coming out of the war

So he understands your need to be alone

And for escapism

Nix has a way with words

And he’s getting better at showing his true affection and fondness for you through kind reassurances

He’s a great gift giver

And an impulse buyer like yourself

So your home is probably loaded with boxes of random stuff Nix just picked up for you during the course of his day

Nix isn’t really religious

Nor is he that spiritual

But he’s supportive of your conversion to Judaism

He thinks it’s a very interesting culture

He has no problem with introducing you to new people

Since he knows it can be difficult for you to approach others

In fact, he’s quite good at making connections for others

Nix loves your sense of humor

It gels perfectly with his own

You never fail to make him laugh when he’s having a bad day

And for that he is eternally thankful

#<3 #my work #the pacific ships #bob ships #ships #lewis Nixon

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loulines · 2 years

Text

I'm gonna make this purposefully long so that no one reads it.

Unless I opt out in the middle.

I no longer know what's going on on Tumblr, who's still around and who is not. I'm so out of the loop it's embarrassing.

I know my blog gradually faded out, even though I tried my hardest, real life won and took all the time I had saved for trying to draw.

Not that it matters, I know. To be honest, I don't even know why I'm writing it, since it will be just another "I my me mine" post. As if anyone ever cared about those. But maybe it'll be better if I treat it as a journal entry, one of those I used to write when I was young and still somewhat hopeful--so pretty much just me rambling into the void, where I'll be the only person who will read it again after a while and cringe hard.

Sorry for not drawing anymore. I'm still trying, but nowadays one project is taking me weeks or even months. Which is my own fault in a way, because whenever I do have the time to draw or write I usually just spend hours on procrastinating on YouTube. Watching videos of people making their dreams come true just so that I can later complain that I failed while trying to work on mine.

At least I stopped being unemployed... Which is the reason why I lost over 50 hours weekly from my life, but at least I can buy food and pay my bills.

But I never knew sacrificing drawing for that would take such a toll on me. I thought I'd manage. I didn't. Now I'm a self-diagnosed still officially "normal" person because I'm unable to seek mental health, not that it would be easy in this shit hole of a country. But when your self esteem runs off to another galaxy and your executive dysfunction decides to have the time of its life, you're stuck with your own thoughts while still being damn sure you're never gonna get help.

Also not living in America or any other wealthy country makes it all even worse. In the span of two years since I digged out this ancient blog and became active I realized no one gives a flying fuck you're from a poorer country with a completely different culture. No, you will have to act like an American or at least like a native English speaking person, and you will always be judged as one. No one cares that you don't know shit about their problems just like they don't know (and would never care to know) about yours. I mean, okay, I get it, you have to educate yourself before speaking to others and it took a while but I got there. But once the labels stick to you, they will stay attached forever. And I aim this to both the "good" and the "bad" guys out there, some of you are full of shit no matter which side you're on.

I remember when I was in a completely different fandom like 300 years ago. I had my ship, people had theirs. Holy fuck how I hated that other ship.

Not even once did it come to my mind to go and attack people who shipped it with words I've been hearing every day since 2020, and which where slapped onto my username with the strongest glue you can find.

At the end of the day I know that none of this matters as long as I know I'm none of these things, and the people I'm closest to know that too... Too bad it still matters to other people and it will make trying to achieve your dreams 1000 times harder.

Speaking of dreams, I'm probably already repeating myself, but yeah, I've seen them all crumble one by one until the only thing I could do is watch other people achieve what I could not. By now I've lost all hope on still trying to reach my goals and the fact I haven't even reached 1000 followers on Tumblr before almost all engagement and activity disappeared from my blog is a testament to that. And yes, I did care about that stuff, what a "surprise". Congratulations to those who don't, you're better than me.

I know my biggest problem is comparing myself to successful people too much. But I mean, you're always supposed to find someone you could look up to so I had my small collection of role models. I've always wanted to be like them one day and at some point I thought I was getting there but then reality slapped me hard, and here I am, writing this pathetic post to no one in particular instead of enjoying life and achieving my dreams.

After some of my friends asked me to start doing commissions I finally got the guts to do them, only to realize it's taking me too long to finish even one and while I'm currently in the middle of my second commission, I realize most people won't be ever willing to wait this long.

I was also thinking about selling stuff but I forgot I live in a shit hole and there's no point in making people pay a crazy amount of money just to ship something outside of my country. So I gave up on that as well. Not that it will be a loss to anyone but myself. There are other more talented people who have much more interesting stuff you can get. You're probably even wondering (assuming you even bothered to read the whole thing) why I feel so entitled to complain when there are tens of thousands of people like me. Yeah, I don't know either.

Usually at this point I consider deleting the entire post because I no longer know where I'm going with this. Does it really matter though? I wrote this mostly to myself because I'm not *that* naive to hope someone will read it (except from that one person who knows I know she will read it and then she will tell me again to get my shit together). So yeah, it doesn't matter if this post doesn't make fucking sense. I'm not a professional journalist or writer anyway.

I always feel weird and self-conscious about posting stuff like this because I never know if I suddenly get a surge of motivation to draw something. And if I did, it would be awkward to post it so soon as if nothing's wrong. Maybe that's why I should just shut the hell up.

If you reached the end of this post, I'm so sorry for all the time you've wasted reading this. Take care of yourself. Until next time whoever knows when.

#sorry for not answering your asks even though I only have like 2 or 3 of them

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f-sews-whatever · 2 years

Text

Progress on my recreation of Stede's yellow banyan, 29th April 2022

It's been longer than I expected since I last posted. I often feel like I haven't made enough progress to warrant a progress update, but the longer I stall, the harder it is to make myself sit down and write something. So, here we go :)

I already had a drawing of the soutache pattern on paper, so I thought I could make a "stencil" out of it by poking tiny holes along the lines with a pin.

(back of the stencil after I used it; the red ink has seeped through the holes) (the marked fabric)

Then I pinned the stencil in place and transferred the pattern onto the fabric. I tried using a pencil first, but it's hard to leave a mark on the satin part of the jacquard fabric, so I ended up grabbing a permanent marker that happened to be laying around and dotted away. It may not be good practice, but it worked. It took me a while to transfer all the swirls along the length of the strip piece. Dotting to the beat of some rock music helped somewhat.

The Soutache Situation

It turned out that my interpretation of the soutache on Stede's dressing gown was very wrong. I feel stupid for not having done enough research and only finding out about it recently.

I somehow assumed that soutache was the same thing as couching: just some ordinary cord sewn onto the fabric, right? Wrong! I found out from this post that it was actually done with "cord with a groove down the middle, and you sew it down through the groove, which can be done by hand or machine." Then when I went to look at screen shots from the show again, I think I can kind of make out that there's indeed a groove down the middle of the cord.

Big whoopsie😬

I'm still going to use the cord I found: it's just normal, round cord, but it's a perfect match with my fabric color wise and it seems to be a waste to just discard it (I bought half a kilo of it, hello?) I don't think it'd be easy to find proper soutache appropriate cord that ships to my location anyways.

I'm going to follow through with my original plan, which is to kind of "whip-stitch" the cord onto the fabric with threads of the same color. To make it easier, I use an embroidery hoop to keep the fabric taut during the process.

I know there are ways to hide the threads completely, but it would be too time-consuming for me. I hope they aren't too distracting from a reasonable distance.

I didn't have threads in the right color at first so I ordered some online (from a store based in Shanghai orz) and it took almost 2 weeks to arrive due to the recent covid lockdown there. I was impatient, so I started anyway with some threads I already have in a similar color. The new threads match better color wise and are thinner (60s/2). I think I'll redo the ones with mismatching threads because they are kind of obvious.

(the ones I did first with thicker threads; they kind of look like worms???)

Oh, and... Hannah Greene, a costume maker from the ofmd team, replied to my DM on ig! She doesn't have any more photos for me, but it's never the less very exciting to be noticed XD. She also mentioned that the soutache goes all the way to the back of the neck and connects. I'm procrastinating thinking about that.

I've cut out the outline of the banyan from both the outer and lining fabric. Sections of the arms have to be pieced because the fabric's not wide enough (it's also been done historically). I secured the same allowance in place with a sneaky running stitch.

I didn't do any pattern matching, but somehow, at one spot, a butterfly-flower circle has formed across the seam. It's perfectly centrosymmetric! By accident! It's embarrassing how delighted by this I am :)

(the perfect little circle)

I then matched the inner and outer layers and stitched all around the edges in order to treat them as one piece from now on. I know the embroidery hasn't been done yet and the stitching shouldn't show on the inside of the lining, but I can't be bothered at this point. I want to be able to wear the dressing gown as soon as possible, whether the embroidery is finished or not.

I think this is all I did for the "Stede's Yellow Banyan" project since the last post. A few of you have followed this blog since I last wrote. Hello and welcome! Thanks for coming along :)

I think I'll mainly be couching away for the foreseeable future. I'll update you on that.

okay bye

#I feel like I'm slowly turning from recreating Stade's costume to just make a random banyan by keep making compromises lol #Stede's Yellow Banyan #ofmd #sewing #historical costume

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tobiosmilktea · 4 years

Note

scenario request: enemies to lovers au! w atsumu, ✨ thank you 💛

paper daisy chains — miya atsumu

5.5k words | genre/s: fluff, a little angst, enemies to lovers!au | warning/s: language, lots of arguing | pairing: atsumu x gn!reader

↪︎ in which three hours of detention leads to your hatred for your former best friend to fall apart all due to a kiss

a/n: you had me at enemies to lovers anon 😏 ngl tho this is not my best work considering i procrastinated on writing this and i needed to post something today ✨

in a mere afterthought—after everything had gone to shit already, it was then you had some forming recuperation of the situation you were in despite always finding a chance to snake your way out was no longer in your hands. so, perhaps you could have handled the situation a little bit better. emphasis on ‘little’ as there was very little you could do about your absolute hatred for miya atsumu and that sly grin on his face.

it wasn’t like this before–this messy relationship between you and atsumu. if anything, you were the bestest friends in middle school, by each other’s side like you were stuck together with glue. yet a single assumption ruined it all, tearing everything down into nothingness.

did you sometimes yearn for things to go back to the way they were before? the simple answer was yes, but your pride would never let atsumu know.

“as for you (y/l/n) (y/n), atsumu is now sporting a broken nose after you punched him during lunch.” the principle states matter-of-factually which earned a quiet scoff from behind you.

despite not standing directly next to you, atsumu was still far too close for your liking as his right shoulder often brushed against you at every small and sudden movement. you could practically feel his breath grazing the exposed part of your neck. however, you couldn’t exactly blame the setter no matter how much you wanted to as both your teacher and his coach had sandwiched you two together.

“disrespectful little swine that one.” inarizaki’s coach grunts loudly towards you, “you oughta teach that one a lesson before she hurts my starting setter again before nationals!”

you flashed the man a toothy grin as you grit them together. he always had an odd way of speaking, “yes, of course, it’s completely my fault for defending myself.” you deadpanned with your own sarcasm of poisonous venom, surprising almost everyone in the office—everyone except atsumu of course. if anything, he’s the only one still smirking in amusement while all the adults had their faces all contorted.

however, his eyes did widen a bit as he looked at you the moment you smirked up at him with proud delight written across your pretty face.

your teacher cleared his throat, elbowing you slightly in the ribs discretely. “my student didn’t mean that, sir.” he excuses, quickly giving you a warning look as a sign for you to apologize.

“i’m really sorry,” you weren’t sorry.

the principle simply smiled at your scornful apology that left your lips in the most condescending manner. he then switched his gaze back to the atsumu’s coach who has been arguing against the old man for a good fifteen minutes on only punishing you and not atsumu as it ‘wasn’t his fault,’ but you hadn’t been listening. why would you, anyway? in the end, you were going to get the short end of the stick once again with atsumu getting away with everything. from his annoying teases to his backhanded compliments that caused him a blow right on his nose in the first place will never be called out.

enter atsumu’s twin, osamu, through the office doors. to your surprise he (in a way) defended your case by saying that atsumu was provoking you all day. so, you and atsumu were both in the wrong. then again, that’s what happens between two enemies since middle school.

“based on what osamu has said, i have no choice but to give them both detention.” the principle concludes, “atsumu and (y/n) will be on cleaning duty in the library for the time being.”

“if you don’t mind me commenting,” the coach exclaims, drawing himself up to perhaps argue for the umpteenth time again, “atsumu has volleyball practice to—”

the principle immediately cuts him off, “there’s nothing i can do about it.”

“can’t he serve detention after nationals?” he tries to express once more but is cut off yet again.

“then that goes against our policy of having no behavioral issues in order to go on field trips.”

“then it is decided,” your teacher confirms with a nod. even he was getting a bit tired on this back and forth. “i’ll make sure both students will report to the library the moment the final bell rings, sir.”

great.

there was always something unnerving about the after school noon at inarizaki as you teetered on the edge of boredom and monotony. and that’s saying a lot considering you spent the majority of your time after classes secluded in your own room or wandering the streets of hyogo by yourself instead of going to club activities. you’d come to think that maybe, in the absolute inevitability that for once atsumu’s company would be much better than being alone, but you were wrong. so incredibly wrong.

you would much rather stay locked up in your bedroom all day than be stuck mopping the library floors and dusting off the shelves upon shelves of textbooks and novels.

a sigh escapes from your lips as you bring your gaze up to atsumu on the other end of the aisle, his tall figure reached at the tops of each book shelf as he dusted them off haphazardly while you too care of the bottom layers. it was understandable though as the task was not only tedious but simply counterproductive. the shelves were going to get all dusty again weren’t they? granted, punishment was punishment no matter how futile and impractical.

the library’s fluorescent lights had created shadows upon atsumu’s face, creating deep grooves and shadows upon his jaw and cheeks that perhaps you didn’t think he looked absolutely repulsive for once (even with the bandage on his broken nose).

you lift yourself from your crouched position and brushed any lingering dust off of your uniform, which at this point was a bit unkempt from the light labor you were forced to do. approaching the preoccupied setter, the rag within your hand was tossed back and forth between your left and right.

however, your eyebrows furrowed as you stopped only a few feet shy away from atsumu who should at least be sensing your presence at this point. he always had a knack of being aware of where you were and honestly you found it plain creepy. your gaze fell upon the rag in your hand, shrugging to yourself before chucking it at atsumu’s face.

the setter’s expression contorted slightly in confusion as the piece of cloth smacked him on the side of his cheek before falling onto the floor. his gaze followed the rag before turning his stare towards you.

“i’m bored,” you sighed out in a mutter with little to no emotion coating your words.

“me too,” he replies, crouching down to pick up the rag before tossing it to you lightly. you caught it within your hands as you feign the look of surprise on your visage. you honestly expected him throw it as hard as he could, but he didn’t. “the faster we get this done the faster we get to go home–or whatever you do after school like wander around hyogo or something.”

you nod, yet curiosity stroked you. how would he know about that? gently placing one foot in front of the other, you steered closer to the boy. “and how would you know i do that everyday after school?”

it was then, you could finally feel the striking tension between the two of you. as if it was heat emanating and merging simply from the proximity you two were standing, a beat had passed again the moment you confirmed that whatever answer atsumu was going to give you would be complete and utter bullshit.

“just to make sure you were safe,” he mutters so nonchalantly. something so out of his character, especially for you would obviously be more alarming than a simple shrug and a brow raise.

your arms braided over each other, your gaze hardening by the second. “safe?” you repeat in disbelief that was accompanied with a scoff, “that’s rich, miya, anymore shitty lies you want to tell me before i could ruin that pretty face of yours again?”

a smirk had fallen on his lips as he flickered you an entertained look. “so, you think i’m pretty?”

you roll your eyes, turning your back towards him. you knew talking to him was a stupid idea and if only your teacher didn’t force you to try to make amends during detention with him, you wouldn’t have to feel your brain cells deteriorate every time you look his way. so much for taking sensei’s words into consideration into making friends with him again when your patience was being tested every five seconds. “whatever,” you scoff for the umpteenth time as you going back to your previous spot.

“the thing is, what i said just then wasn’t a lie.” he concludes while his eyes follow your figure to the other end of the aisle, “but, it’s not like you’d believe me or care for that matter.”

you’re right, i don’t. you thought to yourself, and yet you were still taken aback from the sudden ardor in his tone. it was less of atsumu’s usual bite from his arguments and more of a laceration to the skin, near rather than cutthroat despite both being some form of verbal wound. one hurt more than the other and you were sure atsumu was holding back.

“and what makes you think that?” you question.

atsumu shrugs, “nothing really groundbreaking.” he pauses as his eyes fall upon your expression of nothingness as for once he couldn’t find the right words to say. on the tip of his tongue laid words that would definitely hurt you and that hollow chest of yours, and usually he wouldn’t care just the same as you wouldn’t, yet something was stopping him.

come to think of it, this was one of the rare occasions that you and atsumu were actually alone together. nothing but the confines of the library bookshelves to obstruct you and your enemy. if anything, you and atsumu are constantly surrounded by others who are aware of your mutual resentment towards each other. hell, the only reason why your name was even as near popular as atsumu’s was because you had beef with him that was never serious in the first place. even after the numerous altercations you had since middle school with the blond boy, it was always him who provoked you.

it was almost as if you only kept up your act because that’s all you’re known for in this damn school. and you hated it.

“just the fact that you hate me is the biggest reason.” atsumu adds.

a sarcastic laugh emitted from you as you turned back towards him. you were well aware how priceless your expression looked, all muddied in disbelief and annoyance. “the feeling’s mutual.” you seethed through your teeth, stopping yourself from suddenly dumping fuel to a slow building ember. you had dirt on atsumu, but so did he and you had to be careful in order to play your cards well.

yet atsumu was already one step ahead of you, “you know hiding you emotions and feelings isn’t very healthy, is it?” he evoked. it was starting again and you knew it—from the way he inched closer to you and the way he held that godforsaken smirk on his lips again.

this guy was really asking for it wasn’t he?

a chuckle leaves your lips as you fully face him, your skin pulsated with arising anger, you couldn’t wait for miya atsumu to pull your final strings so you could finally land a punch on his face again. “it’s not like stalking someone after school is any better,” you hissed in the same venom. “i heard that shit can go on your permanent record if you were caught following someone. who knows, miya, maybe you’ll be surprised one day when you’re kicked off the volleyball team all of a sudden—”

“that’s hilarious coming from you, (y/n), you piece of—” atsumu had cut himself off in the midst of his retort, pursing his lips together as his hardened gaze suddenly dropped. “whatever,” he scoffs before turning away.

he let out a frustrated sigh as he attempted to walk back to the other end of the bookshelf so he wouldn’t have to look at your widening smile of provocation on your visage—slick with the taste of ash and synthetic amusement. it covered you in a downpour of emotions, most of which (if not all) were just synonyms of anger and acrimony. your tone was almost elated, drenched in salty irritation that couldn’t wither. you waited for him continue his words knowing damn well he could hit you with something stronger, something that can hurt more.

atsumu had to admit that he wasn’t as nearly as tough as you, though. you were someone that grew up surrounded with constant thunderstorms of a family and had a chest filled with bruising epiphanies waiting to be spewed out if anyone were to ever fuck up. it would’ve been best if he stepped himself away knowing that you both had no crowd to entertain, and yet there was an aching within you that wanted atsumu to continue whatever insult rested on his tongue.

pull that string, miya, i dare you.

“whatever?” you miffed, testing the waters you knew was tainted in tension. “no, please continue what you were about to call me, miya. i’d love to hear a new rendition.”

the setter shook his head as he couldn’t bring himself to meet the fury in your eyes any longer. “i hate how it had to be you,” he muttered under his breath.

“what was that?”

atsumu shook his head, “nothing.”

detention was flying by slower than you had hoped.

within the first hour, you and atsumu had finished all the work assigned simply due to the fact that keeping yourselves busy on opposite sides of the library was best for both of your mental health.

two hours left of detention and boredom was dangerous for the likes of you two. now that you were both situated at the array of desks, it was common sense that some form of dispute between the two of you were bound to happened despite being separated and sitting at your own tables.

stupid atsumu, you thought. he really thought he was sly trying to sneak glances at you every five seconds like he was just waiting to get you riled up. what was his problem anyway? you thought that atsumu was the one who stopped himself from making matters worse earlier but it seems like he wanted to start something again.

you ignored him like you usually do. you were far too busy making a second pair of paper daisy chains and you needed the utmost focus cutting out each individual paper daisy to string into a faux flower crown.

atsumu had some audacity thinking he could keep throwing glances at you when you literally had a pair of scissors in your hand.

“keep staring and you’ll lose all of your piss-blond hair,” you deadpanned. you didn’t even bother to look at him as you were too preoccupied in your latest craft activity to fight your boredom.

however, it wasn’t atsumu’s fault that you were a complete enigma to him. he hated the way his friendship with you ended up like this after one big misunderstanding. sure, the first signs of your wavering friendship on the cusp of the big chasm of hatred you both created started in the middle school, but it truly formed in your first year.

granted, it wasn’t like he was wrong for worrying about you. he thought you were in danger last year when he thought you were getting involved with terrible people and simply reporting any suspicious behavior was his best way to go. the report was anonymous, but after you received the news, you were immediately suspended for a week all because of him. atsumu wasn’t going to negate the fact that perhaps it was his fault, but despite his numerous trials and errors of apologizing to you, it turned into nothing but heated arguments that led to your relationship now. all jagged and broken.

the topic has been taboo since.

atsumu’s gaze left yours, scoffing under his breath as he rolled his eyes. why did it have to be you? it wasn’t like this before, but you were all well aware how stubborn you two were.

you were an absolute wildfire that couldn’t be contained and atsumu was constantly treading over fresh embers that threatened to ignite at any form of friction. he was tired of always having to be careful around you, especially now that you broke his nose, yet he still wanted for things to be different.

“here,” your voice interrupts the tense silence as you toss him a finished paper daisy chain. it landed on his crossed arms, raising an eyebrow of confusion when he picked it up. “give that to osamu.”

atsumu was a bit perplexed to say the least, but he simply sighs to himself before gently placing the flower crown over his temples. “why osamu?” he knew damn well why, “i think it looks better on me.” he mused.

“you look hideous with it on,” you scoff, “besides it’s for your brother for a reason.”

“cause you like him better?”

“no doubt about it.”

(can you believe you liked atsumu more than osamu back in middle school?)

the setter shrugs, “too bad, you gave it to me so it’s mine now.”

“no it’s not, you don’t deserve one.” you say as you stand from your chair that screeched against the dark oak flooring of the library. you try to reach for the flower crown on atsumu’s head, but his hand snatched your wrist before you could grab it.

atsumu’s adams apple bobbed up and down when he realized how close you were, “let. go.” your voice was hushed, yet still spat out your infamous venomous tone.

but he didn’t let go.

“aren’t you tried of it?” atsumu brings up instead.

“tired?”

“of this,” he continued before motioning to each other, “of us having to act like we hate each other everyday?”

you feigned a scoff, yet you couldn’t stop yourself from rolling your eyes to the absolute bullshit coming out of atsumu’s mouth right now. “i’m not acting.”

“well i am,” remarked atsumu before a millisecond could even pass, “i’m tired of having to act like i hate you all the time.”

it was then it seemed like something just cracked within you. lies, lies lies, everything was a lie with atsumu—from the moment he ruined your trust last year to every altercation, big or small, that happened until this point was nothing but lies. you swallowed a lump of pride, fear, and anger collecting in your throat as you let out a huff. “your lies are becoming progressively shittier, you know that right? i don’t need your sorry excuse of sincerity.”

you tugged at your wrist again, this time harder for atsumu to finally let you go, but he wasn’t budging. it wasn’t like you to admit this either, but it was starting to hurt.

“too bad i’m not lying.”

a sigh of frustration left your lips as you felt your anger suddenly swell within you. bottling up your emotions until they exploded was something you were explicitly good at and you could feel the bile rising in your throat, burning you along with words that threatened to spew out of your mouth. “what the fuck is wrong with you? you think that saying that bullshit now is going to make up everything that had ever happened between us?”

“no, I just—”

you didn’t bother to let him speak as you cut him off, “your volleyball fangirls harass me everyday for treating how i treat you, not mention i get constantly watched on like a hawk because of what you did! you made me lose my parents trust after i got suspended and i can’t even go out freely anymore! the only reason why i wander around hyogo alone after school is because that’s the only time i can have to myself since my parents think i have club activities—”

atsumu didn’t mutter a word as he waited for you to continue. he knew there was more inside you yearning to finally be verbalized and he was ready for it to come his way.

“you think i’m acting like i hate you out of pettiness, but that only proves how self-centered you are atsumu,” you huffed, not bothering to pull your wrist out of the setter’s vice-like grip anymore. “for once, i did consider finally letting this whole thing between us go and make amends, but not like this—not when you just keep fucking up and digging yourself a bigger hole.”

a few beats of silence passed between the two of you as you felt the heat rising within your slowly deplete. even atsumu’s hand on your wrist had loosened up a bit, sending a wave of relief within you knowing that you had a chance finally walk away.

“so you’re tired too?” the setter suddenly interjected.

here we go again, you thought with a dejected sigh. “can you—”

his hold around your wrist suddenly tightened again, but not as harsh as before. “answer my question.”

“no.” you pursed your lips together.

“liar.”

“atsumu, please—”

“listen, i’m really sorry about what i did.” the setter expressed, hoping the sincerity in his voice was reaching you. “what i did was fucked up, but just say the word and we can stop everything right here.”

“let go,” you muttered in between, but atsumu only continued.

“no more arguments, we could go back to how we were before or we could start over again—”

“i said let go!”

it was then atsumu’s grip left your wrist and caught your face in between his hands and leaned in.

it wasn’t like this was your first kiss, but it certainly felt like it. granted, this was the first time you kissed some you hate—or rather, someone you’re supposed to hate. you’ve kissed numerous people before, all of which were fueled with nothing but boredom and was nothing more than a simple peck. and yet, this was everything out of the ordinary. you were kissing miya atsumu for fuck’s sake and for once there wasn’t a clear instinct in your body to move away fom him.

your mind blurred so much that the confusion written all over your expression and in your head was muddied by the roaring of your heartbeat. perhaps it was the way atsumu had managed to somehow run his hand from your face and through your hair while the other gently caressed your cheek as if this was how it was supposed to be for ages. it certainly didn’t feel like some cheap thrill atsumu had devised as the way he pulled you closer to him felt like a missing puzzle piece finally being placed.

and for once, you didn’t feel absolutely disgusted when he touched you like this.

it was then when the bandage on atsumu’s healing nose tickled the bridge of yours had suddenly pulled your out of some dream-ridden euphoria. as if it was a reminder that this is what you did. the person who was supposed to be your best friend turned into your enemy after one misunderstanding. he hurt you once and that was the most he did, and yet it only made matters worse when you’ve come to the realization that all of atsumu’s quarrels with you was far less hurtful than what you ever said. they were all for the same reason and that reason was how he felt for you. the feelings had been simmering within him since middle school was finally revealing itself and you’ve been throwing it away for so long.

you didn’t deserve this type of love.

the swift beating of your heart was no longer from the burning sensation of atsumu’s lips against yours, but rather the adrenaline of every single worry tucked in the confines of your head were coming out of their shadows all at once. no matter how intoxicating a forbidden kiss like this felt, you were suffocating beneath the drowning ocean of the unspeakable.

your swollen lips, all tinted red parted slightly before biting down on atsumu’s lip.

“shit!” he suddenly exclaimed, suddenly pulling away to touch the bleeding wound on his bottom lip.

you took this chance to finally get away like you always did. and to your surprise, atsumu didn’t follow you into the labyrinthine aisles of the empty library for once. perhaps this was the one time you were glad that you and atsumu were alone in this huge room as it at least saved you from any humiliation of whatever the fuck just happened.

the inkling within your gut felt familiar, but too peculiar to fully comprehend. yet, with the blush that stretched from your cheeks to your ears still at it’s fullest opacity to the loudness your heartbeat still thumping against your chest and in your ears, it was obviously what the feeling was.

this can’t be happening.

you let out a sigh.

fifteen minutes. that’s all that’s left of the three hours of detention and after this, you were free from the confines of the library walls that suffocated you.

just fifteen more minutes before you can leave and avoid atsumu for the rest of your life. after those fifteen minutes, you would no longer give two shits about inarizaki’s setter and he could no longer confuse you anymore. and all you needed to do was wait in the most obscure corner of the library that most wouldn’t even go to.

the thing is, it was genuinely a good plan, but lately you’ve come to the conclusion that you had been underestimating atsumu for such a long time. this was one of those moments where you believed he would leave once detention was over, and yet he made sure to go through each and every aisle of bookshelves only to find you with your nose stuck in a book to keep you occupied. you didn’t even see him at first, but atsumu was glad you didn’t as he spent a good five minutes forcing himself to stop blushing just by your presence.

and to your (quite unfortunate) luck, here miya atsumu was now—approaching you in all his broken-nosed glory. it certainly didn’t help the fact that this entire time, you couldn’t stop thinking about the kiss. it was the way he spoke about his feelings for you via the sparks from the sudden excursion that had your heart blossoming out of your chest even an hour after it happened

atsumu plops himself next to you, yet still leaving enough room that you wouldn’t run away from him again. his arms rest over his knees as he picked at his nails in uncertainty, as if he was treading over thin ice and a single misstep would eliminate any progress that was created between the two of you. “we’re free to go in fifteen minutes,” his voice was gentle, yet hesitance laced it to soften it a bit more as you didn’t even spare him a glance. “...just to let you know.”

there was no response from you. a simple nod was a good enough answer even though you weren’t obligated to. if anything, you feared that atsumu could hear the wavering in your voice when if you did say anything verbally. you hoped just by a simple nod would be a sign for him to get up and leave you alone in your furrowing thoughts, but he just sat there. in the deafening silence and the flipping of the pages of your book, he stayed for you.

atsumu wanted to make sure you got home safely and not do anything stupid. he knew what you were capable of especially after something out of the ordinary transpires (see: the kiss from earlier).

you had to admit that maybe you didn’t care that he was right next to you anymore. before, you would always yell at him to leave you alone or give you space, but for once his presence felt comforting to you (you wouldn’t confess that for you the life of you, though). you just hoped he wouldn’t notice the heat rising in your neck again.

(he did end up noticing)

the setter cleared his throat then, his fingers still playing with each other to spare him from the awkwardness. “are you okay?”

you huffed, “i knew you were an idiot, but i didn’t think you were this stupid.”

there it was, atsumu thought. despite the severity of your response, he couldn’t help but feel a smile creep on his lips knowing that you were at least talking to him. throughout the past year, he had come to realize that having you throw insults at him was better than not talking at all. granted, you wouldn’t even spare a single breath to someone you truly hated and not give a shit about. so if anything, you being mean to him was a sign that you think of him as something more than a stranger.

it was an odd case of stockholm syndrome, atsumu had to admit.

“is it because of the kiss earlier?” he asked, yet you didn’t utter a word. rather it was the sudden bursting of red tinted ears and burning cheeks stopped you from forming proper words. you would never get used to this feeling. “if it makes you feel any better—”

“just shut up about it,” you hissed as plunged your face deeper into your book. atsumu seeing your tomato-red face was the last thing you wanted as you shooed him away, “i don’t want to hear it.”

a chuckle left atsumu as he took the book out of your hands, loudly slapping it shut that the impact of paper hitting one another echoed throughout the library. it forced you to look at him in the eyes as he smirked at your expression. he hasn’t seen a look of embarrassment on your visage before and he found it adorable. “if the next words that come out of your mouth is to forget about the kiss ever happening, i’ll do it again and make sure you remember.”

your jaw tightened slightly as you peered your eyes at him, “fine.” you affirmed, “it did happen, but it meant nothing.”

“well, it meant something to me.” atsumu countered, not even noticing the way he leaned in closer.

it felt almost impulsive the way your emotions just crumbled before you. with the sense of betrayal between your mind and your heart had you dragged into the tide of finally giving into the guy you’re supposed to be hating. it felt criminal the way you even let your eyes flicker back down to his lips that was still a bit swollen from last time.

it just had to you, huh?

“i hate you,” you say before pulling him his tie towards you.

the kiss was slower than last time, deeper even. you were sure this was how serendipity felt like, sweet against your tongue like marmalade and soft like feathers with the way atsumu was trying to chase that euphoria when he made his way down your jaw. the ghost of his lips left trails down your neck and to your collarbone before recoiling back to your lips. you tasted like mocha and atsumu already found himself addicted to it.

“miya! (y/l/n)!” the advisor in charge of detention’s voice suddenly thundered throughout the library, forcing you two to pull away from each other. “detention ends in five minutes! the hell is this? daisy chains?” he suddenly interjects before letting out a loud scoff. “if i don’t see the rest of the trash from these tables thrown away, i’m giving you two another after school detention next week!”

a disappointed sigh emits from you as you and atsumu make your way back to the other end of the library. you hoped the exchange between the two of you wasn’t too obvious as your lips were all pink and your uniform disheveled.

the advisor gave you two a look before turning away to leave the library. humiliation struck you then and atsumu couldn’t help but laugh.

“i’ll make sure osamu gets his paper daisy chain.” the setter reassures playfully as he snatches both flower crowns from the table and hands the other to you.

your hands brush together as you take it from him, muttering, “you can have it if you want.”

“what was that?”

“nothing,” you say as you make your way towards the library’s entrance, “i said you look like a cunt.”

#haikyuu!!#haikyuu #haikyuu imagines #haikyuu scenarios #haikyuu x reader #atsumu x reader #atsumu imagines #atsumu scenarios #miya atsumu #atsumu fluff #atsumu miya #atsumu hcs #hq atsumu #haikyuu atsumu

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amindofstone · 3 years

Text

Match up, No. 9

@starlightbydaybright hat gefragt:

Hello! Saw you were taking match-ups and I was wondering if I could request one. Only done one before for another fandom, and I was wondering who I’d align with for One Piece ^^

I'm an INFP and generally an introvert, finding it difficult to express myself when I'm around people I'm unfamiliar with or just not close to. I can be both quiet and shy; quiet when I have no interest in making good impression on that person (a stranger I'll see once and never again) and shy when I'm genuinely trying to make myself acceptable to them. But, I do trust easily, so it's not hard to get close enough with me that I'll open up about almost everything, so long as they understand have my boundaries (that'll shift depending on how close). I'm also very affectionate with people I'm close with, particularly through physical touch, since I've been pretty touch starved. If you're close friends with me, you can find me constantly looking for a hug, but I can respect boundaries since not everyone enjoys contact.

The situation would be a bit different romance wise, since I’d revert a bit back to my introverted side, but also very affection-seeking at the same time. I say affection seeking as in I’d crave time and activities spent together with them, but I’d be afraid to ask/initiate, at least during the early beginnings of the relationship. I’d be constantly seeking affirmation of their love, and since I’ve never been in a relationship before (but desperately wanted one), they’d be constantly receiving my love too ❤️

While being an introvert in reality, I find it much easier to speak with confidence online. as I actually have time to contemplate what I can say. It's when I'm either with close friends or on the internet, that I can go on passionate endless rants or show my passive aggressive side. I'm usually pacifist, but if something irks me enough, I can and will pitch in snide/sarcastic remark or two, or if it's more serious; I will write out whole sophisticated and well worded paragraph that'd sound all polite with a hidden snarky tone.

I'm pretty much a hopeless romantic, so there's lot of couple things I want to try when I find someone. Back hugs, bridal carry, tickle fights, you name it. While I do enjoy these displays of affection (comes with the happy kind of embarrassment aka. I feel embarrassed that others sees it but I’m happy because I know they’re not doing it out of maliciousness and because they truly love me), small gestures are appreciated too; a gentle squeeze of the hand, a passing smile, etc.

As for hobbies, I enjoy reading, writing, (occasionally) drawing, but most of all; probably singing. I enjoy a wide variety of songs, depending on what mood I'm in, but I particularly like songs about love. Looking for someone to sing the duet love songs with me, doesn't matter how good or bad they are at singing. They can be tone deaf for all I care, it's the thought that matters 😊

I'm very emotionally sensitive, and can both laugh and cry easily. A random stranger online wished me good day? I'll be in good mood for awhile. Watched a 'mildly' sad movie? (Extra emphasis on mildly) I better have new box of tissue on the side just in case. It'd be nice to have someone that can either comfort me or at least tolerate my emotions, so I wouldn't be irking them 😞

I don't really have a type when looking for significant other but being an INFP does make the romance thing complicated. It'd be nice to have someone that's far along on the extroverted side (just not happy go lucky and can be serious) since, despite being introverted, I like to experience new things. I'm just too afraid to try alone and prefer it if someone else recommends it first. Someone to prompt me and nudge me to do something, but won’t take it too far if I really looked uncomfortable. (I’m also a procrastinator so they gotta find out the right ratio between pushing vs. taking it too far 😅) In relationship, I'd value trust and loyalty the most, since both are important in keeping the healthy relationship. If both sides could equally trust and be trusted, then there wouldn't be place for insecurity or fear. This ties in with another part of me being an INFP; I want a relationship that lasts forever. While it's weird to decide how long lasting the love will be early in the relationship, I don't think I can fully commit myself to someone, knowing that it'll end (through the other side falling out of love with me, finding interest in someone else, etc.) (natural causes like death are fine, even though I will still be sad 🥲)

As for appearance, I’m a 5”4 female with slightly wavy black hair that reach nearly to my waist. I don’t think I’m particularly short, but then again, every anime character seems to be straight up giants XD (Man, I was born with the wrong genes) I’m overall very plain, with black hair, brown eyes, but I’ve always been told I had pretty long eyelashes and big bright eyes. Average weight for my height, and flat chested :’)

As for the preference for gender, I’m mainly attracted to guys. I had some (very few) crushes on a small selection of female anime characters, but that were very rare, like 3, compared to my (insert large number) male crushes

Thank you in advance and sorry for how long this is 😔

P.s. I feel like I need to emphasize I’m still an introvert, since the personality I described is only limited to my very small friend group

a/n:

Hey there? How are you doing? Thank you so much for requesting. First off I should be apologizing for making you wait so long. I hope you´re not mad at me but lately there is a lot happening in my life. In my private life but also in my college life. But let´s put that aside and get to your request.

I have to thank you for the detailed info about you because that helped me to choose a match up for you so much. Like I instantly could think of someone. Not only did it help me to match you up with someone but also to come up with a plot. So I came up with this little imagine/hedcanon… I really don´t know what to call my work for the imaginies so I go with work. XD Anyways I really don´t know what to do at this point. Your request and your personality gave me such a good idea for a plot that I tried my best to keep it short because I decided to turn this request and my ideas and thoughts that are flying around in my mind to an actual FANFICTION! AHHHHHHHH. I can´t stop thinking about it. The idea sounds so damn good in my head that it makes me smile like an idiot right now! Uff I can´t wait to find time writing it down. AHAHH, but I fear that I already gave aways so much with this!!!! *pouts Doesn´t matter I´ll do it anyways. AHHHHHHHHHHH Thank you so damn much for requesting!

Anyways! Back to my work now. If there is anything that bothers you or you simply hate please make sure to tell me so I can change it and give you whatever you´d like. Other than that happy reading my dear!

Match up rules can be found HERE.

Warning(s): Maybe grammatical or spelling mistakes since English is my third language and I´m still improving in every aspect (Please have mercy on that.)

!!! Please do not steal my idea or work. Credit me if this is shared or published in any other platform or any other way. Please respect me as the writer and my work. Picture is not mine. Credits to: I sadly don't know. Please tell me of you know so I can give credits. Thank you in advance. !!!

· I decided to pair you up with KILLER

· Like am I the only person that thinks that he is not getting the screen time and appreciation he deserves? Because that is the damn case! ODA GIVE THIS MAN THE LOVE AND APPRECIATION HE DESERVES. And while we´re at it I wouldn´t mind if I would get a bit more of Eustass Kid too… Thank you in advance. <3

· But that’s not the point. Please dear requesting beautiful human being give this man and me, your hopelessly dreamy author a chance. Thank you, I really appreciate. <3

· aNyWaYssssS.

· “y/n? Are you still awake?”, asked the blond man softly. “No worries I won´t make you carry me to bed again.”, you said with a giggle. You couldn´t see his face but you knew that he was smiling. “I don´t mind that you know? I like having you close to me without having to fear to see you hid under the blanket for who knows how long.”, you rolled you eyes and hit his arms. “That only happened because that idiot captain of yours annoyed the hell out of me. That was embarrassing Killer.”, you slowly put one leg over the railing and then the next one. Making sure you don´t fall down the ship. “What happened? Didn´t you drag me out our cabin to watch the stars?”, asked the muscular man who held you close to him while making sure you didn´t fell. “I did but now I´d like to look at something different. Something even more beautiful. Something that gives me warmth and happiness. Something that keeps me alive and always makes sure I am doing fine.”, talking to the blond pirate while sitting at the railing was one of the rare moments you were close to an eye level with him. “You mean my mask?”, asked the man with a tiled head that got you to roll your eyes and hit his chest. “Great you destroyed the sweet moment. I hate you. Make a step back so I can get down. I want to go back to bed and drown in regret of dating you.”, you tried to push him away but he was obviously stronger and threw you over his shoulder. “Of course you hate me. That was also the exact same thing you were moaning a while ago. Let´s go back to bed nerd.”

· As sweet and loving your relationship was now with the pirate it also started like that. Wanna know how? Alright let me get comfortable in my bed and get started. Story TIIMMMEEEE!!!

· An island well known for their universities and scientist. An island full of top ranked doctors.

· Physics, chemistry, biology, astrology was well thaught in the schools of the island. An island well known around the world. An island ruled by a powerful devil fruit user.

· An island in which every civilian had a talent in another field. And you? You sadly had an impressive talent for languages.

· Why sadly you wonder? Well the amount of times you had to run for your dear life because some pirates could come and kidnap you and make you read the poneglyphs is immense.

· Once even the infamous Red haired Shanks came and asked you with the hope to have someone who could read them. But sadly you couldn´t. You told him that you were done with pirates coming for you or your best friends. You regretted learning all of that and hated yourself for that. Shanks and Beckman to whom your were talking to really felt bad for you and claimed the island as their territory after they had a chat with ruler and made a deal.

· That was that saved you and your friends for years and made you happy. You were thankful to the red hair pirates and always treated them with meals and drinks when they came visiting the island. You were happy for 5 years. 5 years until these stupid reckless pirates came.

· And now? Now you hated yourself all over again

· You knew that not every pirate was like the red hair pirates. Nice and respectful. They didn´t kill innocent people and destroyed civilizations only to get some gold and diamonds. But these? These were horrible. Cold and cruel.

· “Someone make this btch talk otherwise I´ll do it by cutting her into pieces only stropping when IT actually starts to answer my god damn questions!”, screamed a tall and guy with red hair.

· You were scared. Tied on a mast on their ship, you feared for your life. Screaming for help was not an option since you were already on the sea since a while now.

· The man that was yelling at you none stop was now holding a blond man with a mask at his collar and growling at him. The man might have a mask on but you somehow had the feeling that he was talking to the man with the red fur coat. “Clear the deck! NOW!!”; yelled the man before he left inside the ship. Slowly every man on deck was leaving you alone. You wanted to ask them were or why the left but you knew that they wouldn´t give you an answer. You were a prisoner. A captive. A pathetic human they took on board. With the last pirate leaving you behind, a door that was located behind the mast you were tied on closed while the need to cry grew inside of you. How long am I here by now? One hour? Two or three? Was anyone missing me back at home? Were they already looking for me? Thoughts that occupied your mind were blurring your vision. You were looking right in front of you but also not. Your eyes were wide open but your vision was back at home. Home were you belonged.

· “Hey. Hey can you hear me? Hey you alright, woman? Hello?”, a man was squatting in front of you and waving with his hands in front of your face. You were deeply lost in your thoughts that you neither heard him coming nor saw him sitting right in front of you.

· But the moment he touched you tight you screamed and got back to reality. “Please don´t touch me. Please don´t hurt me. Please I beg you. Please.”, fear was written all over your face. You saw yourself death with a huge puddle of your blood. “Alright I won´t touch you. It´s just that I´ve been sitting in front of you for 5 minutes now and the only thing you did was breath and say no. Anyways here is something to drink. You´ve been her for four hours now. Half of the time unconscious and the other one either basically mute or in a trance.”, the guy in front of you was the same one who got the mad man to leave and clear the deck. It made you wonder who he was that he had such a power but you didn´t dare to ask. “Here I hold it for you and you drink.”, the glass was put on your lips and you drank. You didn´t knew how thirsty you were until your lungs were wetted by the water. Finished drinking he put a blanket over your legs since the position your were in didn´t allow you to cover yourself properly. And the fact that you were wearing a dress wasn´t helping at all.

· “Alright. You had something to drink I got you a blanket now tell me are you able to talk to me and answer my questions?”, you nodded. “Good. Now listen to me. There is this language that is called Krisanasy. As far as I know there is a tiny amount of people who are able to speak that and you are one of these. Am I right?”, you nodded. “How well are you in it?”, you gulped and looked at the man with the mask “I know the most important basics. I remember basic grammar rules and a good amount of vocabulary but I´m not that good in it. I didn´t worked with anything that included this language since years now.”, the masked man nodded and fully sat down now. “Would you be able to get back in it if you had some books and scripts to work with?”, slowly you understood where this was supposed to lead. You knew that if you said yes they would keep you as their prisoner and make your work for them. And if they had everything they would kill you because there would be no more use for you. But if you said no now and refused to talk to him he would probably also kill you. You were in a dilemma. You didn´t wanted to die but also didn´t wanted to die after you helped them. They were criminals. Feared and hated by the government and any human around the world. You looked down on your lap and let your head fall forward so your long black hair covered your face. “Hey I asked you something. Would you be able to do that?”, his voice was deep and rough but in the same time soft and gentle. That irritated you. it make you realize that him being nice to you now was just a way to get under your skin and make you do whatever they wanted. And then they simply would kill you in the most brutal and cruel way. “Hey, woman. Are you listening?”, you felt helpless. “I don´t want to die. Please let me go. Please. I beg you. Please.”, tears were streaming down you cheeks you couldn´t hold back anymore. He came closer and lifted you face. “Listen here you are a smart woman. Stop crying for fcks sake. If I would be you I would have made these pirates work for me. Use your damn brain and stop crying. Do you really think anyone in here would kill you? Heck no! They need your help. They need your brain because all of them are basically stupid. Like damn I need you to answer all of my questions before my captain with anger issues comes and beats the sht out of me. Now answer me woman. Are you able to get back in it if we got you some scripts to work on?”, you nodded while more tears streamed down you cheeks. You felt pathetic. You felt worthless and used. Helping them would turn you into a criminal too and ruin everything you worked on. Everything the emperor did for you and the island would be wasted. “See wasn’t that hard to answer.”

· The questioning went on for a while you didn´t know for how long but you knew that a long time passed since the sun stared to set. “Alright. Now I give you two options. One, stay here. Tied up on the mast no matter what kind of weather we face. Two you swear to obey me no matter what kind of order I give you and you will be able to sleep on a bed. You will get food and tomorrow you will start working on the scripts we give you. You choose.”, with your head hung lowly you said number two and instantly got released from the chains and handcuffs. He helped you stand up and covered you in the blanket before he led you into his cabin. “Wait here. Sit there and don´t do anything stupid as long as I´m not here. If you do anything stupid I won´t be able to help you. Got it?”, he didn´t even wait until you answered or gave any reaction he simply left and closed the door after him. So you waited while sitting with a lowly hung head. Minutes passed and he came back. “Your clothes are dirty. The bathroom is empty so you can take a bath or shower. Anything you want but I´ll be in the room with you. Because of one I have to make sure no one is coming in and secondly to watch over you and make sure you don´t do anything stupid. Got it. Fine. Take this towel and these clothes. We don´t have any female crewmates so you have to be wearing with my clothes until we dock on another island and you get to buy clothes.”

· The man with the mask took care of you for the rest of the day. He took you to shower and gave you fresh clothes. You had dinner with him alone in the kitchen when no one was around and got back to sleep. And no matter what you did he made sure to keep a respectful distance towards you. Whenever he had to come closer or touch you to take care of your wounds he would warn you. The day kept going like that. Nothing else was said about the following days and the thing they wanted you for. Only necessary things were said that were needed at the moment. And you only gave short replays or only answered with a head movement.

· Slowly the day passed by and the night took over with the moon putting the world alight. You were back in his cabin with him sitting on an armchair and you lying in bed sleeping with one hand tied up on the bed.

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beautiful-bau-beau · 4 years

Note

helloooo!! I have a Spencer request :) Could you write one where Spencer is injured (maybe like when he broke his leg or something like that) and he stays round yours and you look after him, help him shower, comfort him and stuff :)

Anonymous said to beautiful-bau-beau: could u do a soulmate au w spence where you feel the share pain with your soulmate, i think it would be interesting since spencer seems to be shot or nearly killed in almost every episode

Sticks and Stones

fem!reader/Spencer Reid

masterlist

[Set in season 5 when Spencer gets shot in the leg but makes references to Maeve]

----

To the average eye flowers are soft, simple little things. They spark romance in the hearts of budding couples, they aid the grieving widows, their beauty inspires the masses in forms such as poetry and art. For some, flowers only caused distress.

Few were "fortunate" in the world to have soulmates. Once twelve years of age, a soul bound to another would feel the pain, to a lesser extent, as well as receive a flower at the sight of the intrusion. Small purple blooms grew at bruises, at a cut, the flowers would mimic the length and size. Any other type of pain was indicated by large, red blossoms. As each wound healed, the flowers would wilt and die.

You were among the many to few flowers as flimsy nuisances, only serving as reminders of the pain you had to go through.

Before turning twelve you often wondered if you had a soulmate. You had spent many days vividly imagining who your soulmate was, what he looked like, what he did for a living, choosing to ignore that if you indeed had one, a lifetime of pain was sure to follow.

Lifetime of pain indeed.

Your soulmate must have been a stuntman, a police officer, hell- even a lion tamer with the amount of pain he seemed to put you through. The occasional bruise and scrape seemed to hit you up until your early twenties, that's when the real pain began.

Every other day it seemed that you were doubled over, screaming in agony. You were an ugly vision of purple and red, but hell, it seemed to strike up a conversation with you and your patients.

You served as a private duty nurse, taking care of patients in the safety of their own home. You enjoyed the one-on-one with your patients, and it was decidedly better than working in a crowded hospital with a difficult schedule.

You had just finished a job working with an elderly woman, as her granddaughter had recently decided to move in with her to take care of her. It was a sad departure, but the job had finished and it was now time for you to find another patient in need.

You were employed through a small local medical office and received career requests through their office website.

One particular request caught your eye that morning from a Ms. Penelope Garcia. A friend of hers had recently been shot in the leg and needed to quickly recover before returning to his job.

You eyed your own leg, sighing heavily. It still seemed to throb harshly every once in a while.

A week ago, out of nowhere, an extreme pain radiated through your leg, causing you to drop what you were doing and scream. Thankfully you hadn't been on the job but the look of pity your neighbors gave you the next day felt just as awful. Every time you glanced at the offending appendage you could swear you saw another blossom grow.

"You and me both, buddy." You mumbled, picking up your phone. The job seemed simple enough, and hopefully you would be able to bond with this new patient by shared leg pain.

"You ordered a nurse for me?" Spencer hissed into his cell, turning to look over his shoulder. "I can take care of myself!" He eyed your figure, currently unpacking a medical bag. You had entered his apartment mere minutes ago, not understanding his confusion.

"Are you Spencer Reid?" You asked, greeting his wheel-chair bound figure. "I'm Y/n Y/l/n, the nurse your girlfriend Penelope ordered." You were met with a blank stare. "Is she uh.. here?"

"I'm going to have to make a phone call." Spencer blurted, wheeling himself inside. He left the door open so you took it upon yourself to enter.

"Spencer, I love you but are you listening to yourself right now?" Penelope replied, twirling a pen around her fingers. "You were shot a week ago, you're in a wheelchair. How are you going to shower? Replace your bandages? Sweets, this nurse will help you. And before you even have to ask I already checked and your insurance covers this!"

"Garcia-"

"I won't hear anything more about it as I know I'm right! Goodbye, dear!" A heavy sigh came from the man, and he placed his cellphone back in his pocket. He turned to look at you again, wheeling his way over to you.

"I apologize for earlier. I wasn't exactly informed that you would be coming here." He placed his hands on his lap, awkwardly.

"That's alright!" You chirped. " You’re low-risk so I won’t invade your space too much by staying overnight with you. I'm here to help with personal medical care, bathing, trimming nails, and making you comfortable.... as well as urinary and colostomy care." His eyes widened and you simply waved him off. "I get it. It's weird. But from what I read through of your medical reports, the bullet went clear through and you'll need a crutch in two weeks! At least you're not hooked up to a catheter?" You tried to joke. You were met with another simple stare.

"Let's uh, change your bandages, shall we?"

It had been a few days since you started working with Spencer. He was a nice man, a little awkward, and seemed to be more of an introvert, so you respected his space. He seemed to take to staying in bed, simply asking for books every once and awhile.

"There's no way you're able to read all these so quickly. You'd have to be superhuman..." You teased, bringing him a stack of his latest requests.

"I have an IQ of 187 and can read 20,000 words per minute." Spencer replied, catching your eye. He flushed under your surprised glance. "...Not to brag."

"Well... that'll do it." You set each book in your arm down, one by one, a particular title catching your eye. "The Narrative of John Smith?"

"Have you read it?" He asked, trying not to sound too eager. He hadn't originally pegged you for an Arthur Conan Doyle fan.

"Uh, no." You scratched behind your ear sheepishly. "But a few friends of mine have, they all highly recommend it. What do you think? Does it live up to all the hype?" Spencer opened his mouth but shut it almost immediately, causing your brows to furrow.

"I can't tell you what to read... it's just a very special book to me."

"Did someone special give you the book? Penelope?" Spencer let out a chuckle, hissing as he adjusted himself on his bed.

"Garcia is just a friend but you're correct, someone special gave me the book."

"A soulmate?" You asked, immediately regretting your choice of words. "I'm sorry, I shouldn't have assumed. I'm just the nosy nurse that asks too many questions." You knew it was a sensitive topic for some, with or without the soulmate.

"No, it wasn't from a soulmate... but I wish she was." Spencer's voice grew soft. You felt as if you had stepped too far, intruded upon a fond memory.

"I do have one though." He continued, noticing your unease. "Sometimes I worry I imagined her but every once and awhile, I'll notice some flowers by my legs, the likely result of a cut from shaving or bruises." You let out a laugh, leaning against his door frame.

"I would love a low-risk soulmate like that. He must jump through flaming hula-hoops or something. I could make a decent living as a florist." You murmured.

"That's got to be tough." Spencer observed, noticing no flowers on your arm.

"I guess he's a lot like you." You lifted up your pant leg, crimson petals on display. "His reason can't be nearly as heroic as yours, though." Spencer couldn't suppress the smile that grew from the compliment.

"Well I guess you'll have to find him and ask."

"Well you're in the FBI right? Let's formulate a profile and find him so I can give him a piece of my mind. You in?" You teased.

"Sounds like a worthy use of all my newfound time." He let out a small huff of amusement, eyeing your figure. He appreciated how lighthearted and casual you were. He noticed the space you gave him and your little efforts to make the apartment easier to maneuver around. Although he hadn't seemed motivated at first, something told him he should get to know you more.

"Y/n?" Spencer asked, drawing your attention away from one of the books you had borrowed from his shelf. "Is there any way we can wash my hair?" He had procrastinated in asking, too embarrassed for whatever your plan was for showering.

"Of course! I could cut it too if you'd like." You offered, standing to wheel him into the bathroom.

"Are you saying you don't like my hair?" He faked an offended tone which he knew would make you laugh.

"I think your hair is beautiful, right at that perfect length before it gets too weird for any man to wear." You snorted. You moved him to a stool, not too difficult a feat as he was able to support the majority of his weight on his good leg. "Alright, the shirt has got to come off."

"Isn't against a code to try and seduce your patients?" Spencer teased. Since your conversation the other day he had grown to feel more comfortable with you and a friendship ensued. You took care when treating him and told stories of past patients. It was clear you loved what you did and cared for the people even more.

"Oh please. If I was seducing you, which I'm not, you'd know." You rolled your eyes, waiting for him to lift his arms before peeling his shirt off of him. He leaned back, long tresses falling into a pool in the sink.

He was extremely handsome, you couldn't deny it. His sharp cheekbones and jawline, his full and enticing lips, the way his hand flexed as he read.... you didn't notice any of that. You especially didn't notice how wonderfully intelligent he was, or how kind. Not at all.

Besides, it would never work. You both had your respective soulmates and he seemed to still be carrying a torch for the past relationship he was in. Not to mention the most important factor of all, he was your patient.

You carefully stepped around him to grab a large and small towel, snickering as you found a familiar design on one.

"Star Trek fan?" You asked, hanging the fabric on the shower rail and turning the tap on to warm water.

"Typically I'm not one for fiction but surprisingly there aren't that many scientific errors in Star Trek, especially considering how long ago it was made. There are certain improbabilities, but not that many outright errors, which make it so enjoyable to watch."

"Eh, I've only seen the film from 2009, and I was mostly paying attention to the deliciously handsome cast." You knew that would agitate him. "And not just for Chris Pine but Zachary Quinto as Spock? Oh, he is gorgeous, even if he is gay. Not that there's anything wrong with being gay, and not that I had a chance with him anyway." You laughed.

"Y/n, I am not one to comment on the education of another but you are seriously missing out! Star Trek: The Next Generation is one of the most influential series of it's time. the new film doesn't even have Data! Data, y/n, Data!" He grumbled as you washed his hair.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah. Next you're going to tell me that the 1996 Doctor Who movie is better than the series?" He opened his mouth when you raised your soapy hand. "Disregard that statement, I can't afford another argument, I'm already too emotional from our last one." You faked a sniffle.

"You know, most females I talk to don't watch Star Trek or Doctor Who."

"I'm just that amazing, I know." You sighed, moving to grab the washcloth and dousing it with water, handing it to Spencer so he could wash himself. You grabbed the Star Trek towel and started to dry Spencer's hair.

"You're something alright." He retorted, drawing a gasp from you.

"I could have let you sit with greasy hair, you know!" Just for extra measure you rubbed his head a little harsher than before but miscalculated your aim, accidentally hitting your wrist against the marble sink.

Spencer felt pain radiate through his wrist and time seemed to slow. It suddenly seemed to dawn on him all at once. You experienced constant pain, pain he gave you because he was often injured on the job. Not to mention his gunshot wound on your leg and now the purple blossoms forming on his wrist.

He wanted to shout, yell, jump up, wrap you in a hug. He had finally found his soulmate! However, he remained silent.

When you spoke about your soulmate the other day you seemed angry and forlorn at the amount of pain you had to endure. There was no doubt in his mind that if you knew he was your soulmate, you would walk right out of his life, but not before giving him a swift kick to the ass.

So he stayed quiet.

You weren’t sure what changed between you and Spencer. After the shower he mentioned he didn’t feel too well so you guided him to bed. Since then he stayed in his room, barely calling you to his side.

It was weird. If it was any other patient you would have paid no mind and kept to yourself but you thought you had made a connection with Spencer. You enjoyed the banter between you both and finding out your shared interests. It must have all been in your head. You brought yourself out of your thoughts to prepare Spencer’s tea.

“Here you are!” You called, stepping into his room to hand him the mug. “I’m about to head out, do you need anything else?”

“No, thank you.” You stayed by the door, waiting to see if he would even spare you a glance. When he made no motion to move, you gave up, spinning on your heel to grab your purse and coat.

“Ah!” You heard Spencer hiss from the other room before feeling a sharp sting on your tongue. Your hand came up to cover your mouth, brows knitting together in confusion. Was he…? Did he…?

Spencer was your soulmate, he had to be. There was no possible way that him burning his mouth and your pain that followed were coincidences, right? Spencer was your soulmate! So why did you feel your heart drop into your stomach?

You shut the door, racing down the stairs and out of his apartment building, letting the cold air sweep over you.

There was nothing special about you. You were just a simple nurse and he was your patient. Besides, how were you deserving of Spencer? You weren’t.

He couldn’t find out, he just couldn’t.

You didn’t know if it was just because you knew that Spencer was your soulmate but the tension between the two of you was… palpable.

“Hey!” You popped your head into his room, his figure jumping in surprise. “I’m sorry I didn’t mean to startle you!” You exclaimed.

“Hi?” He greeted, trying to seem calm. You were leaving tomorrow and he was panicking. The past few hours were spent debating about whether he should tell you that he was your soulmate. Could he really just let this opportunity pass by?

“I just wanted to know if you needed anything? I figured you probably ran out of books by now. Everytime I think you’ve reread all the books in your library I keep finding new ones.” You tried to joke.

“I… Yes. Yes, please.” He mumbled, hiding his gaze. You sighed, wondering for the millionth time what you had done wrong to make him so distant and reclusive.

“Alright, I’ll take the stack.” You bit your lip to keep from sighing once more, groaning as you picked up the books littered around the room. “God these are heavy.” You whispered under your breath, trying to waddle into the other room as you quickly realized you were losing your grip. It seemed as if it was too late, the pounds of literature falling on your feet.

Both you and Spencer let out a groan, heads snapping towards each other in surprise.

“Did you- did you feel that?” You asked, even if you knew the answer.

“I did.” Spencer’s voice seemed small. “Y/n, I am so sorry.” You were taken aback, eyebrows furrowing in confusion.

“You’re sorry?” You questioned, pain forgotten as shame radiated through you. “Am I that bad of a soulmate?” You whispered, clenching your fist to keep tears from pricking your eyes.

“No! No, no, no!” He tried to sit up as straight as he could, internally cursing at how hurt you looked. “I only apologized because… I can’t help but feel like I disappointed you! I am an FBI agent, I’m always going to be in danger therefore putting you in danger. When you first mentioned your soulmate you seemed so… upset. I don’t know if I’ll ever truly be able to make you happy.” He admitted, the tips of his ears turning red as his gaze fell to his lap.

“Disappointed? Past-tense?” You cried. “Did you know about this?” He didn’t move.

“Well… I guess I can’t be angry with that.” You sighed. “I knew too. I just thought that… you wouldn’t want me. You still seemed so in love with whatever woman gave you that book. And out of my league. And my patient.” You let out a wry laugh, sitting on the edge of his bed.

“Are you kidding me? You are the most gorgeous woman I have ever met. You make me laugh and you are so kind and caring. I am proud to be your soulmate.” He swallowed thickly.

“Spencer you are selfless. You dedicate your life every day to helping others. You are handsome, sweet, and hilarious.” You reached for his hand. “And I am so happy you turned out to be my soulmate.”

Your eyes finally met and before you knew it, your lips smashed against his.

“I don’t know if you know this… but I happen to get injured on a lot of missions.” He uttered as you pulled apart. “So I have a feeling that I’ll need you around more often.”

“Well Doctor, I think you just might be right.” You giggled, drawing him in for another kiss.

-----

Feedback is always appreciated!

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veralovemail · 4 years

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Hi! I would love myself a matchup if it's ok 👉👈

I'm female and pan, I'd prefer one of the males tho, Survivors please!

So uhhhh I differ in my personality a lot depending on the situation! I'm more of a loner around strangers IRL— shy, quiet, I don't like interacting and prefer to stay by the sidelines since being in the middle makes me uncomfy.

I try to be as polite as I can, even keeping in my opinions and pain a lot as to not Hurt anyone. I also tend to blame myself a lot for bad situations I'm a part in unless I know I absolutely didn't do anything!

Also I'm quite hot headed and have a bad temper, though I'm working on it! I have quite the problem with guilt and it comes to me fairly quickly when I do something bad.

Ah yeah I'm really forgetful and also really impatient KNRKS

Now- online!!

I'm a lot more open and chaotic. I like to tease my friends and jokingly make fun of them, etc. I try and stop when they tell me to, but I might understand it as them just joking too if they write it that way in my eyes-

I try to look on the positive side for them and their situations and am always willing to make someone happy even without words since it makes me happy too. I'd say I'm caring to a fault- I don't let loose until they finally do something healthy that they've been avoiding and I do get rather angry if I'm not taken seriously with that, causing me to maybe lash out at someone unwillingly,,- and then guilt pops in like "hi there 😍" KDHDJDJ

Anyway,

I encourage anyone to vent, though I'm not the best at giving advice. I'm more of a person who likes to listen and give support if they need it. Oh yeah- my attention span is REALLY short (as short as me good ol' 5'1 me aNENSJJSJD) so I get distracted pretty easily and procrastinate then.

As for hobbies: I love to draw! (As you might know-)Music is my life (especially Jazz) and video games are, too. Though mostly singleplayer Games since I only really like multiplayer with friends-

What else can I write..

Maybe like- I'm an ISFP-T And I think it was 5w6 that I was given by another test

I also got Philophobia, the fear of falling in love because of bad experiences but I'm tryna work on it!!

I guess I can also write about my appearance? I've got short, curly but chaotic black hair that's p much swept to the side- I'm definitely not that skinny lmao- and as I've said before, I'm 5'1! I usually wear casual clothes (hoodies, e.g!! They're so comfy...) I also got brown eyes and glasses!

I think that should be it.. ah yeah! In your introduction, you should prolly add your ID for others to add you because name search doesn't work! :0

Ok that's really it now- take your time, don't rush yourself and stay safe and hydrated!! 💕💕 Hope your blog takes off!

Sorry for my English by the way- I'm German so I might've messed up on a few things!

OH MY LORD I DID NOT KNOW THAT I HAD TO PUT IN MY ID... oml... thank u for telling me that. and don't worry about it, i can see how it'd be difficult (i actually studied german for my gcses :], it was very fun) but anyways! tysm for sending in btw!! i loved writing this, i hope u enjoy - mod vera ♡

i match you with ... naib subedar!

he kinda takes on to your quiet personality, unlike some of the other people around the manor. it's relaxing to be around somebody who doesn't talk much.

you two most likely met when robbie came over to the survivors' side of the mansion, jokingly demanding sweets... but it most likely sounded authentic. and oh god, is that an axe-

you two accidentally locked eyes but you both had a " ah shit, here we go again " face. it just kinda went from there.

at first, he's a tough nut to crack, but if you try hard enough, within a month or so you gain his trust and he .. deems you a friend?

you both kinda start falling for eachother after a period of time, but naib is great at hiding it BUT SIKE, so are you! it's like a game of who can pine for the other in the most subtle way possible.

however, if you tell him about your own troubles with falling in love, he may just open up a little too about his own troubles.

it's takes a while for you two to build a relationship, but eventually (after a lot of rescues, late night hangouts and just being near eachother) you make it!

when he learns about your more chaotic side, naib tries to keep up with you as best he can, he may just need a little tug to do so.

he loves your smile, especially the one you have when you're talking about your passions.

he also tries to help with your temper, but he's just as bad as you are.

however, he's there whenever you have a bad day - he can almost instantly tell, even if you try keep it to yourself. it could be the way you look at him, try to smile or talk, he does notice the change in your aura.

since your shorter than him, he likes holding you. it makes him feel like he's just protecting you from anything and anything, especially on one of your bad days.

he likes your optimism, looking on the good side of every situation. he once saw you trying to comfort robbie when he started crying about not finding any sweets around and you told him "look on a brightside robbie! now we know for next time to stash some away for you before we eat it all!" AND OH GOD, IS THAT AN AXE?

naib gets frequent nightmares about his time being a hired merc, so sometimes you may get woken up at 3 am because he's a bit distressed and needs a bit of comfort.

other times, he just finds holding you while you're fast asleep enough to put him back in a coma for the next 2 hours.

naib also encourages you to talk to him about stuff. whether it be what made you mad, how much of a bitch vera can be, ect. he's there for you and that man is never gonna let you carry your burdens alone.

saying that, you also have to remind him that he can't carry his own burdens sometimes and when you encourage him to talk to you about what's upsetting him, he'll most likely tell, depending on how bad it is.

he also grounds you a lot!! if you tell him about your forgetfulness, he's most likely going to try and remind you.

" hey, [ name ], you did bring [ item ] into the match, right? "

" um... "

" goddamnit [ name ], i thought i reminded you "

naib takes it upon himself to rescue you, or keep you within his general vicinity if you're in a match with him. he does know you can kite very well though! he just wants you near him for a bit of reassurance.

he can be mean sometimes, but he means it in the most endearing way possible since most of it is sarcasm.

you two kinda have " stab as a warning " vibes so nobody really opposes the two of you. even norton. not even freddy dares to oppose you because the last time he did, aesop almost had to prepare his equipment to embalm the poor fella.

when you lash out at someone, naib is there almost immediately to take you away to calm down and comfort you when your guilt kicks the door down and goes " Hey girlie! Hold still 😎 "

sometimes you have to do the same for him because you both have a tendency to lash out.. but.. never at eachother? you two kinda agree on the same things, there isn't much to exactly disagree on.

please draw him!! watch him while he's training in the garden and draw him, or just a few silly doodles of him.

he likes looking at your drawings, it kinds boosts his ego knowing that he's worthy enough to be drawn.

if he finds out that you like music, he'll tell you about nepalese music, or at least what he knew of it - if you both get engrossed in it, he may try and get you some records to play.

teach him how to dance, if you can. it'd make listening to music together way more fun.

he's very content with you!! he likes kissing you out of nowhere, too. you could just be chilling and naib would come up to you, turn you around and give you a smooch outta nowhere. but only in private.

i feel like neither of you would be big on pda, you just stick to holding hands around the manor.

if this were in a modern setting, you two could probably play a game like phasmaphobia together just for funsies.

all in all, your relationship with naib is mutually beneficial and robbie has learned to never ask for sweets again.

i hope you enjoy this <3 it's my first time writing naib too so i apologise if it's not very good </3

#idv x reader #idv #identity v #idv imagines #idv writing #naib subedar #idv mercenary #identity v mercenary #idv naib #matchup

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brytmoon · 4 years

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i feel like i'm being really annoying about it to ppl so i'm gonna vent here about struggles i have that might be undiagnosed adhd symptoms since i don't have a very big following except for two close friends (sorry y'all)

1. hygiene, such as brushing my teeth in the morning and showering, is hard. it's been hard my whole life but even now, i'll stare at myself in the mirror or scroll through my phone as i try to convince myself to brush my teeth. (this may or may not be related, but i hate going to the dentist, too.) with showering, it's hard to find the time. i always make sure to shower as often as possible (which is every other day, usually) or i make sure i don't smell if i haven't because i'm scared of having b.o. with both, i have to motivate myself to do it with fancy toothpastes and mouthwash or nice-smelling shower gels and lotions. I'm guessing this is executive dysfunction???

2. I've been incredibly disorganized my whole life. i once thought i had adhd when i was younger because of how disorganized i was. I've always had a super messy backpack and a super messy room (it's really messy rn) but i always know where everything is. i had a ds for at least ten years but lost it a couple months ago in the middle of playing it. where did it go???? i have no idea bruh. and i lose my phone all. the. time.

3. i'm terrible with procrastinating. turning in projects and essays at 11:59 after bullshitting it either all day or mere hours before the due date??? a constant. having failing homework grades and having ntis in every class, no matter how much i enjoy it??? a constant. i once did a whole project i hadn't started on until the morning of the due date. i worked on it while in other classes and at lunch and turned it in 3 minutes before the dropbox closed. anything that's not what i enjoy or zaps the fun out of what i enjoy, i procrastinate with. I've sat in front of the computer screen and almost cried so many times because i couldn't get myself to type up a scholarship essay, which OBVIOUSLY would greatly benefit me as a broke college student, but it doesn't matter bc my brain thinks it's boring so why not push it off?? because i procrastinate, i tend to overwhelm myself so much that i break down at least once when an assignment's due because I've formed a terrible habit of pushing myself to overexertion to get a project done that's meant to be done gradually.

4. bouncing off that last point, I'm terrible with time management and remembering events/due dates/assignments to complete. I've tried using schedule apps and alarms. I've tried to plan out my days. I've tried forming routines and habits to get things done at appropriate times and it doesn't work. that schedule app i downloaded and spent so much time filling out? completely forgotten in a week or two. i swipe away the notifications and pay no attention to them. since everything's virtual now, there have been important college information zoom calls, but i forget about them and miss them. i can't remember events, due dates, or assignments if i don't write them down. since i meet every other day or sometimes once a week for a specific class in college, i can easily forget something mentioned earlier that week that's due the next week over the weekend. i have to remember to write in my agenda in order to remember to do something important, which can be stressful and convoluted 🙃🙃 so my bad time management results in further procrastination and missed opportunities, which makes me feel awful about myself late at night when all i can think about is what i should've done better or differently.

5. chores and hobbies are... interesting. when i do get the energy or motivation to clean or draw, i will hyperfocus on them. if i finally feel like cleaning, I'll skip breakfast and/or lunch and won't take care of myself until I'm done. same happens with drawing. and as stupid or funny as it sounds, i find getting up to go pee so annoying!!!! I'm in the middle of doing something i FINALLY want to do and then i have to get up to go use the bathroom. i don't want to break my concentration bc it's an inconvenience. then with hobbies (y'know, things i want to do and enjoy) i procrastinate!! I've been trying to watch atla since everyone loves it and i like it too, but i put off watching it and other shows like crazy. i play instruments and love to do so, but don't practice very often and spend a couple hours doing so when i do because i remember how fun it is. when i do laundry, I'll remember to put the clothes in the washing machine and start it. but then I'll forget to either put them in the dryer, take them out of the dryer, or fold them. i often have to rewash loads because I'll forget they're in there or I'll have a pile of clothes sitting on my bed for days because i procrastinate with folding them and putting them up.

6. i am the most motivated and have the most energy at night. over the summer, I'd stay up until 4 or 5 am on a regular basis. I'd be the most productive during that time but my sleeping schedule would be so off because of it.

7. so people with adhd crave things that produce dopamine, right? well i snack on candy all the time. and i mean it when i say it's ALL THE TIME. my favorite one is red hots because they're crunchy and spicy. eating candy helps me focus and is probably a form of me seeking more stimulation, but it's bad because of my teeth hygiene issues and me hating to go to the dentist. i also can't do tasks quietly. i have to be listening to music or watching a video while working on something and there are times when i want to do both while working??? so now when i watch something or listen to music without working, i tend to need something to do so i scroll through Instagram while having the show on even though it makes me miss what's happening sometimes.

8. i don't really fidget much i don't think?? but i do weird stuff while listening to someone talk. in school, i often doodled on my worksheets and got in trouble for it. I'd draw eyes in the margins, characters I'm fixated on, squiggly lines, and would color in my o's. or while listening to a family member vent, i dance around or listen while scrolling through Instagram. i also have a baaad habit of picking at my skin (dermatillomania). I'd focus on picking scabs for a really long time when i was alone and bored and have scars on my face and legs from doing it. I've picked at my face since i was a kid and absent mindedly do it every day.

9. i can get quite distracted and have to ask for directions to be repeated because i won't hear them?? like my brain won't process what someone said until they say it again when i'm actually fully paying attention. my mom will ask me to run an errand for her and she'll need to repeat it to me because i'll get distracted while she's explaining or i'll forget what she said after walking away. i get off track in conversations a lot and can't really listen well when there's a lot of other noise going on, like in cafeterias. i'll be talking to one friend and hear another interesting conversation down the table and pause while speaking bc my attention shifted. i also can lose my train of thought quite easily when waiting to speak and forget what i was saying and not be able to remember it for the life of me. so I'll interrupt sometimes so i don't forget

10. when talking to friends, i feel like i talk about myself a lot. i like to use my personal experiences to connect with what they said and be empathetic to them, but i worry this comes off as being conceited. i heard that it might be an adhd thing i do to keep myself engaged in the conversation.

i think that's all of them??? I'm so sorry to anyone who has to scroll through all this jgjrjrj but i guess it's good to make note of this stuff in some way because i articulate my feelings better when typing instead of speaking. and this'll be helpful to reference when chatting with a future therapist which i will hopefully get soon! and if anyone sits through this and has any advice, I'm all ears!!

#adhd things #undiagnosed adhd #adhd culture #adhd inattentive

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