#it's fucking ''i will constantly overthink and worry about what this being thinks of me / feels / says / does / etc to the point it'll

[angeltism]

If I see one more being acting like the term fp is just a word for ywour bestie or partner or whatever I am going 2 throw a chair

[astonmartingf]

ADORE YOU ; KR7

kimi raikkonen x mclaren driver!reader

. . . your relationship with kimi was always civil, not too close like friends, but not too far apart like strangers. somehow you got stuck in a situation leaving both of you confronting your feelings for each other.

amgf still one of the best things i wrote, ever. this is my baby, the time i spent making the radio graphics was all worth it, i love this so much ughh

death of a bachelor ; masterlist

Getting called in for a private meeting with the team principal is always worrying. Usually you’re called for one of two reasons, either you’ve done exceptionally well or if you’ve fucked up. With how things are looking up, you’re clearly called in because you’ve fucked up and one of the sponsors has found something to complain about.

You were used to it, sadly. And despite his constant reassurance, you know Fernando doesn’t have that much power to help you. Paired with his recent win in the driver’s championship you kept your mouth shut from the pressure held on you.

The last thing you want is to take away the spotlight from him, it was his win after all. Despite the number of news outlets questioning his position, and the ambiguity of it all with you in the center of controversy.

All because of some harmless photos with Kimi, one that caught him off guard. Not because he was unknowingly involved, but with the fact that he only knew then just how many people loathe you in the industry who are constantly waiting for you to fuck up.

Breathing out, you shake off the million thoughts running in your head. There’s no use overthinking what has been done, standing in front of the team principal’s door you brace yourself for the worst that could happen.

Thinking to yourself that maybe this is the end of it all, that maybe they’ve finally succeeded in leaving you without a seat for the next season. The worst that could happen is Renault pulling out your contract early, and you were preparing for the worst.

The person out of your equation is Kimi Raikkonen himself- the first person your eyes landed upon entering the room. Looking around your eyes scan the room, your teammate nowhere to be found. It’s just you, Kimi, and your team principal.

“Good Morning.” You’re voice curt and short as you feel the dry scratch at the back of your throat. Sitting beside Kimi you lean towards him whispering, “What are you doing here? Did McLaren form a complaint?”

Next to you, Kimi shrugs his shoulders equally unaware. “I was called in when I arrived earlier, I thought you were the one with the complaint.”

Brows raised, you let out a small sigh in disagreement, “I don’t think I’m in a position to complain, you on the other hand, God knows what people are saying.”

You don’t notice the frown forming on Kimi’s face, his brows furrowed in annoyance, “How are you empathizing with me right now? God knows how much worse you’re having it, and here you are worrying about me. I don’t care what they say about me, as long as they don’t involve you in it.” Kimi scoffs, watching the corners of your lips curl into a small smile.

“You must hate being involved with me that much.” Teasing him, Kimi shakes his head with his eyes rolling back.

A cough breaks your attention away from Kimi, reminding you that you’re here for a serious meeting with your team principal. Turning your head you see him with a big smile on his face.

Huh.

“Do you know why I called you here?” His voice reverberates in the room, leaving your throat dry. Your eyes widen, gulping before attempting to answer.

“No, you don’t have to answer.”

Pressing your lips, you shrink down back in your seat feeling the drops of sweat press against your team shirt. Your eyes widen, avoiding contact, you prepare yourself with the worst anticipating the next words out of his mouth.

“It’s all going well in fact that I’ve decided myself to let you continue with what you two are doing.”

An audible gasp left your lips, “But there’s nothing, we aren’t doing anything,” quickly defending yourself from your team principal’s accusations.

Bewildered, a loud cackle escapes his lips leaving you and Kimi in confusion, “That’s even better. Honestly, you don’t have to date each other, just continue what you’re doing.”

Kimi shakes his head, “Doing what exactly?”

“Listen, all you need to do is be seen in public. Think of it as a fake secret relationship. Just like you said, if there’s nothing going on with you two then there is no need to confirm it. Just to keep the sponsorships happy, and free publicity for both teams.”

You share a look with Kimi, gauging from his reaction he doesn’t seem to mind. Then again it’s not like anything is happening between you two, it’s like hitting multiple birds in one stone. You can keep being friends with Kimi, you keep your seat, and you keep the sponsors happy with the advertisement.

Clearing his throat, Kimi speaks up first, “You know if you don’t want to-”

“I don’t mind.” Giving him a small smile, you assure him of your consent, “I’d rather it be you than someone else, plus we get to hang out more often. Unless you don’t want to, then we don’t have to-”

“I’m okay if you’re okay with it.”

Clasping his hands your team principal is smiling over the moon, at least someone is happy with the situation,

“Well if you have no other questions, you’re free to leave Kimi.” Your team principal dismisses the Fin, leaving an uncomfortable taste in his mouth.

“Why? If you have something to say to Y/N you can say it to me as well. What are you going to scold her for? You should’ve been there to defend her against the comments, I won’t leave. Whatever you say to her, I will be here and listen.”

His sudden outburst caught you off guard, uncharacteristic for Kimi to go over his emotions like that. Though his outbursts are short it’s usually directed out of frustration, but this was out of nowhere. Your eyes dart back and forth Kimi and your team principal with conflicted feelings.

While you feel proud that Kimi defended you, on the other hand you grimace at the sight of your team principal, still and speechless.

“Well, you’re more than welcome to wait for Y/N outside but Fernando is coming along in a while- we’re having a team meeting for the next season.”

“Oh.”

“I’ll guide Kimi on the way out, you know in case he reads any of our world winning strategies.” Standing up swiftly, you pull Kimi’s arm, dragging him away from the office and out to the paddock.

It wasn’t until then you realized the awkward silence looming between you two. Looking up to his eyes, you stare at his blue ones, getting lost into the deep hues akin to a storm. In the silence, a mutual understanding was built.

And unbeknownst to you, it was the beginning of a deeper relationship with Kimi.

You were on your way to Maranello when the announcement of your transfer was released. Sinking in your seat you close your phone, thankful to be on a plane avoiding the constant ping and ringing of your phone.

It was a short-lived moment of relaxation, not long after the seat beside yours was occupied. Observing the person, your eyes squint at the sight of a familiar face.

"Kimi? I didn't know you were on your way to Italy as well."

Turning around, Kimi blinked slowly taking in your presence. "Was staying with me that bad that you need a different vacation?"

Scoffing at him, you shift in your seat facing his, "As much as I want more time for vacations unfortunately I'm going to Italy for work."

Kimi tilts his head, "Didn't know Renault moved to Italy. Are you going over factories?"

You still yourself, contemplating telling him the truth or getting away with a little lie. Not in the mood for conversation, you chose the latter.

"Something like that. They want me to check something personally. My manager arranged it for me so, I really don't have a say."

Kimi nods again leaving you to do your own things, something that you appreciate when you're with him. There's no need for small talk, it's always comfortable silence.

A few people you feel comfortable being with for long periods of time, it's either him or your teammate Alonso. Contrary to popular belief, there's no "feud" between the three of you– more on the two of them, you were somehow stuck in between their "rivalry" and just how the company milked the media for more coverage.

Truthfully faking a secret relationship with Kimi was one of the easiest things you had to do last year, purposefully being seen hanging out, going on "dates" and vacationing together without having to confirm anything, you were winning.

And the end of it all with you getting a seat with Ferrari. It was a whirlwind of emotions, not just for you but for your teammate Alonso who was poached to McLaren.

A secret you had to keep from Kimi while vacationing together. You did carry a smidge of guilt hiding him from his new teammate, but vacation meant time away from work and racing. And one thing you learned about Kimi is that he hates race talk at the dinner table.

You sit in silence catching the last hours of sleep. By the time you wake up, the plane has already landed. You feel the seatbelt around your waist, scouring the area you look for Kimi.

"You were asleep the whole flight, I put on your seatbelt for you." You blink your eyes, in an attempt to keep yourself awake.

"When did we land?" Your voice is croaky and dry, you squirm in your seat yawning and stretching.

A small smile can be seen from Kimi's face as he hands you bottled water. "We just landed, you want to go now or wait for a little while?"

A small pout forms your face as you unbuckle your seatbelt, grabbing the bottled water from his hands you take small sips feeling more awake by the minute.

"I want to go now, I want to change clothes before going to the factory." Grabbing you things you stand up leaving the plane with Kimi beside you.

"Is someone picking you up or do you want me to drive you to your hotel?" Kimi offers, putting his bags at the trunk of a Ferrari 599. The way his arms flex, as he pushes his weight, leaning upon the frame of the trunk.

You shake your head off your thoughts, "You don't have to, someone is picking me up. I guess I'll see you around then." Frankly, you booked a one-way ticket to Emilia-Romagna as soon as your break with Kimi was over.

Spending your vacation with Kimi was one of the best things you've done, but the longer you stayed inside the bubble that is Kimi Raikkonen, the more you realized your conflicting feelings towards him.

And that is something you're not prepared to confront yet.

Nonetheless it seems as though the universe has a way of bringing you together— it comes in the form of sitting beside each other on the plane ride, and now seeing him through the glass window in Ferrari's headquarters.

[makethatelevenrings]

Dick Grayson nsfw headcanons for v day

hehehehe

this boy is so talkative

before, during, and after his mouth is running faster than Wally West

"so pretty"

"squeezing me so tight"

"you look so good like this fucked out on my cock"

"what's that, baby? are you too cockdrunk to speak?"

his dick (haha) isn't very long, but it's certainly thick (much like him) and curves a little to the left

Dick loves to mark you up because when you undress, he can see the parts he has touched and loved

a hickey on your neck, a gentle love bite on your hip, the imprints of his fingers on your thighs where he held you down and ate you out

he's a switch 100%

sometimes he needs to be taken out of his head and so you take control and he appreciates it so much

he loves to serve you in any capacity, part of it is because he constantly feels the need to prove himself worthy of you no matter how many times you tell him that you don't need anything but his love

he'll quite literally get on his knees and worship you if you asked him

there are a few nights where he literally strips out of his suit and kneels on the floor, resting his head on your thigh as you stroke his hair

other times he's high-strung and needs to control the situation and you gladly accept submission under his hand

Dick is, ahem, very flexible and he will contort his body the perfect way to hit every fucking pleasure spot inside of you as he rams his cock into your hole

"made for me, weren't you? made to take my cock. perfect fucking fit, the way you're squeezing me so tight. god, i should just keep you home all day, sit you on my cock and keep you there"

hell yeah he does enjoy a good cockwarming

whether you're just holding his half-hard cock in your mouth or straddling his waist as he reads over some mission reports or paperwork for his Bludhaven revitalization. you're draped over his shoulders, face pressed against his neck as his cock twitches inside of your soaked hole. once he's done with his work, he'll fuck you until your legs can't stand

king of aftercare (all of the bat boys are tbh)

Dick is reaaaaally big on the verbal communication (again, the boy can't shut up) and he needs to hear reassurance from you that you're okay, that you liked it, what type of care you need

I don't think he's overly aggressive or into BDSM mainly because he doesn't want to use the same type of force that he uses on the criminal underworld on you

sweet boy but also not afraid to rough you up a little bit if you ask

just pls don't ask him to hit you because he would not be able to

aftercare for him is just cuddling and stroking his hair and assuring him that he's enough. he is good and kind and loving. he doesn't need to worry about you being unsatisfied.

all in all, he's a generous lover who overthinks too much and you might have to help him enjoy everything rather than dwell on stuff. also, he's a mouthy shit.

[7ndipity]

When Their Crush Has a Crush

Ot7 x Reader

Summary: In connection with the Secret Crush HCs, how they would react/get jealous to finding out that their crush has feelings for someone(or even another member)

Warnings: angst, swearing

A/N: Thanks to the lovely anon who requested this! We’re back with more of that unrequited angst that y’all apparently love lol! This also kinda reminded me of this jealousy reaction I made awhile back, so there’s that if you want to check those out too!

Masterlist

Requests are open

°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•°•

Jin:

Oh, he HATES it. And does not hide it, though he’s giving you five different reasons why he hates it, and none of them are the truth, at least not entirely.

“They don't strike me as the relationship type.” “I think they might be a murderer.” “They’re just not good enough for you.”

Tries to make himself look better in comparison.

But he’s not trying to make a move! Nonono, he would never do that. He just wants you to know what a better option looks like.

Yeah, that’s it.🙄

Yoongi:

Tries to not let it bother him, and by that I mean he’s like “of-course-you-would-find-someone-why-wouldn’t-you?-it’s-not-like-he-ever-told-you-how-he-felt-but-it’s-totally-fine-and-not-haunting-his-every-waking-moment-but-omg-what-if-you-actually-get-with-them-”

Yeah, no, he’s going to majorly overthink the whole situation, like it’s bad.

Would probably withdraw for a bit, but then realizes that he can’t stand the distance and gets kinda clingy.

Which clingy Yoongi is like? A whole different person?

This would probably be one of the few moments that would tip you off about his true feelings.

Hobi:

Tries not to be bothered at first, bc it’s just a crush, it doesn’t mean anything… Right?

Queue him getting in his head and starting to worry about literally everything.

Throws so much side eye though and knit picks whoever's caught your attention, but he can’t quite help it.

Would end up slipping up and saying something about he doesn’t think they’re a good match for you. Which leads to you asking who would be a good match for you then?

And then he either just says idk, or ends up basically describing himself and hoping you don’t notice how desperately he’s trying not to confess right then and there.

Namjoon:

Gets jealous super easily, you already know, though you don’t quite know why.

As I said before, if you so much as even mention being into somebody, he’s pulling back and distancing himself a bit as a kind of defense mechanism.

Or else he tries to avoid being around them or bringing them up in conversation, though he’ll deny that’s what he’s doing if you ask.

Is so fucking passive aggressive about anything relationship related, you end up thinking that he must’ve got dumped or smth and feeling kinda bad for him.

Which ends up triggering this weird sort of truce between you where you just don’t talk about it for a while.

Jimin:

Lowkey panicking inside. Because yeah, hypothetically he wants you to be happy and live your best life, but does it have to be with them? Or anyone?

Would want to try to dissuade your feelings for them a bit, but he doesn’t want to come off as manipulative or disrespectful of your opinion.

“They don’t seem like a good match for you.”

He’s mostly kinda mad at himself, cause if he’d just told you how he felt earlier, he wouldn’t be in this situation.

Would probably start seriously considering actually confessing, cause he cannot stand being in this weird limbo state with you.

Taehyung:

Ngl, he’s so dramatic, even if it’s just a tiny crush, he’s going to be kinda heartbroken, like you might as well have kissed them in front of him.

Okay, maybe it’s not that bad, but you get what I’m saying. He’s not cool with this.

Does not hide his feelings of disdain for whoever’s caught your attention.(they are not passing the vibe check)

Gets hella clingy and wants to be with you constantly, so that you don’t really have time for them? If that even makes sense?

Tries to find things to impress you and get you to take notice of him cause don’t you think he’s nice too? Don’t you think he’d make a good partner too?

Jungkook:

The sulkiest man to ever exist.

He can not stand it, even if it's a purely theoretical situation, like all you said was that you thought some guy was cute, and now he’s imagining all the worst case scenarios where he could lose you to them.

Like Tae, he’d get soo fucking possessive and clingy, trying to prove himself to you, though he might not exactly be sure what he’s trying to prove.

Would actively try to put himself between you and them if at all possible.

As I said before, this would probably be his achilles heel that pushes him over the edge and leads to him confessing, even if he knows it’s the wrong time.

Taglist: @sopebubbles-replies @captainorangegoose @btsw1fe @this-must-be-my-tardis

[zhounauts]

the countess doesn't give a shit ; l.heeseung x f!reader // y.jungwon x f!reader

a/n the long awaited part two that i promised like months ago…it’s finally here !! going to disappear again after this , but i gotta work on my other stories. ..

warnings: cursing, not proof read

part one

HEESEUNG SCOFFS, AND THEN HE BURSTS OUT LAUGHING “you don’t care? i find that out to believe y/n. were you not the one who was most openly and actively against sora? were you not the one constantly refusing all her invitations before? why the change of heart now?” unfortunately for heeseung you had stopped listening ten words ago, and you were now snacking on fruit gummies your overworked chef had made you.

“pardon me, your highness could you repeat that?” you ask, the gummy dissolving in your mouth. you hear rina stumble into faye in the background. heeseung narrows his eyes as you chew on another gummy.

“what exactly are you plotting now, y/n?” he seethes.

“what i’m going to eat for dinner?” you respond with full seriousness. heeseung gives you an incredulous look.

“MY LADY!”

“i know you’re plotting something. you’re going to this party to humiliate sora am i right? and right now you’re going to act all innocent and uninterested so i will start to—”

“wow you’re a really big overthinker, anyone ever told you that?” you ask, “you’re really mistake your highness. i’m not plotting anything and don’t care about you and sora. you guys can go make out and get married for all i care,”

“i can’t deal with you any longer,” heeseung mutters, “if i hear one word about you acting up at the tea party i will not be afraid to punish you,”

“m’kay,” you answer, turning around, “rina, faye lets finished getting ready,”

“right away m’lady!” faye exclaims, as heeseung makes his way out of your room. you can’t help the anger that boils through you before you take one last glance.

“countess! i’m so glad that you are here,” sora says, bowing. you give her a polite smile and nod.

“thank you for your invite saintess,”

“of course!” she exclaims happily, “i hope the tea and snacks are all to your liking, i planned everything carefully when i caught notice your attendance. i was scared what i originally planned would not be to your delicate taste. please enjoy the party,”

“yes of course,” you answer, smiling and eye twitching. you didn’t have any energy to deal with her passive, fake niceness.

as soon as she turns around your face goes blank with boredom. you quite literally STILL did not know all the nefarious, devious acts the original countess had committed, but by the way everyone avoided you it was pretty obvious that what you did was. . .well nefarious and devious?

“god, i wish i could just impale myself and go back home already. . .” you mutter underneath your breath.

“i’ll impale you right now then, don’t worry,” an ominous voice hisses.

“what the f-”

“you thought you got rid of me?!”

“who are you?,” you ask, before you pause and sigh, “oh, crazy writer bitch,”

“what did you just call me!? i’ll eliminate you! eliminate!” she screeches.

“yeah okay do that,” you answer, rolling your eyes.

“while you had fun dilly dallying around ruining MY story” she starts, “hey where the fuck are you going?!”

“to get food,” you answer, walking away from the author and towards the table of pastries.

“get back here!” the author huffs angrily, hurriedly following after you.

“will you leave already? i’ll call the guards,”

“you think you can boss me around!? this is my story”

“GUARDS!” you scream, “oh no! i’m uhm. . .being harassed! nooooooooo boohoo,” you watch as the knights from the door run towards you, quickly grabbing the author.

“YOU BITCH! YOU CAN’T TAKE ME AWAY AGAIN! UNHAND ME YOU UNIMPORTANT SIDE NPC CHARACTERS!” you can only watch in amusement as the author screams. your amusement is VERY much cut short however when she for some reason has a burst of ungodly strength and tackles you.

“HOLY—”

“ruin the story i dare you! just you wait, there will be consequences!” she hisses, a flash of craziness in her eyes “the story has to be completed or else—”

“get her off the countess!” a guard calls, and with that the author’s easily hauled off you, as you stare at her in confusion.

“wait! wait! finish your—” but it’s too late, as the guards drag her away from the party and guards surround you, asking you questions. you don’t listen to anything they say, as you furrow your brows, trying to decipher the author’s message.

after the rabid authors attack, you had excused yourself from the party and headed to the courtyard to collect your thoughts. you thought the author was just crazy and obsessive about the story being completed the way she wrote it, but with her outburst you could tell there was something deeper.

“but what. . .?” you mutter. you sigh, burying your face into your arms. even though in this life you were rich and had privileges you used to wish for, it didn’t take away from the fact that you missed your family, your friends, and heck even your math teacher. it was lonely in this world, especially with the vendetta everyone had against you because of sora and heeseung. heeseung. the name ignites a rage that you had been supressing and you can’t help but rip up a patch of grass and yeet it.

“that stupid prince! who the hell does he think he is? bursting into my room accusing me of so much shit even though its been months since i’ve done anything! i hope he falls off his fucking stupid ass horse and onto his—” your tirade’s cut off by a laugh and you whip your head around at an ungodly speed. “who’s there?”

“no, no, keep going! this is really funny to listen to,” the voice answers, “I don’t think i’ve ever heard anyone who hated his royal highness, handsome and kind prince heeseung,”

“kind?” you scoff, “he can’t seem to leave me alone,”

“you are countess y/n, no?”

“that’s me, who are you?”

“let’s not worry about that,” the person answers.

“what are you, a wanted criminal?”

“. . .”

“you are!?” you ask excited.

“what??? no! of course not i was just joking!” the voice hastily answers before muttering, “why would you even be excited about that. . .” theres comfortable silence between the two of you as you rebury yourself in your arms. “the prince treats you badly?”

“yes!” you start, “no, well i don’t— yeah. i guess so. i get it, i did stuff back then to sora his little babe or whatever but the past five months, i’ve been leaving him alone! i know that still won’t make up for everything, but he can’t even just. . .treat me atleast slightly politely? it’s frustrating, i have no one to talk to except for my maids and chef mingyu, and i just want to go home,”

“where is home?” the voice asks.

“. . .i don’t know,” you answer truthfully. home was your room back in your own house, with your dad bothering you to practice piano, your mom hovering around your room while you study, and your brother randomly appearing every two hours to remind you of his existence. home was with your friends in school, giggling obnoxiously, changing routes to chase guys, and meeting up at set times in the bathrooms. home certainly wasn’t countess yue’s parents, and it definitely was not this castle.

“well people build their own homes all the time,” the voice says, “if they can you can to,”. you laugh.

“are you some wise old man?”

“uh- excuse me!? i’m 19!” you laugh again.

“no, really, who are you?” the voice hesitates.

“. . . yang jungwon,”

“thanks jungwon,” you hum, “when can i see you again?”

“i’d get my ass beat, i’m not supposed to be here” he answers, “i’m a mage at the research tower,”

“i didn’t ask that,” you reply teasingly.

“well. . .i guess i could shoot you a message orb. . .” he grumbles. you giggle, truly happy for the first time in awhile.

“i’ll be waiting,"

taglist: @k-films , @soobincantswim

[bunny-eats-fox]

lost on you | part XVI

MIYA ATSUMU X PLUS SIZE, FEMALE READER

words count : 5633

chapter warning : blood mentioned (nosebleed)

<< XV

-----------

With a heavy sigh (because why could your brain never shut up?), you knew, no matter how often you told yourself, you would finally end it - for real this time! - you never would. Because, despite you constantly worrying and overthinking it, you secretly (or not so secretly) loved the attention Tsumu gave you. The way he made you feel loved and desired… even if he was faking it, probably, still made you feel special just for once. Even if you would never know his real reason and even if you were a little scared that, in the end, maybe he only did it to hurt you as a revenge for how you treated him the past years, you didn’t have it in you to end it. Though, when the day would come – and it inevitably would – when he would break this weird situationship off, you weren’t sure if you could handle that rejection.

Though despite knowing all that, you wanted to get “loved” for just a little longer, even if it was just a fake love; you wanted to indulge in the fantasy of “dating Osamu”, or whatever at that point, and continue the relationship  you had. Even if it meant more pain in the end, when it all would inevitably crumble to pieces.  You never imagined you would accustom so quickly to the way things were between you and Atsumu now, but being touch- and love-starved sure helped a ton with that. Although it sure was a little bit embarrassing and you wondered if he ever found you desperate…

Regardless, the whole “you would totally end it all for good this time” was yet another empty threat you told yourself to feel better about your childish little sarcastic comment you made.

“Hey, Senpai!”, Ruka’s sudden greeting made you jump. You were so caught up in your own thoughts, you didn't even hear her come inside.

“Ruka! What are ya doing here?”            

“Thought I’d come and help ya.”, she grinned and immediately got to work to fill up another tray with cups of water.

You were speechless for a second, but then quickly turned to her properly. As much as the thought of them dating honestly really annoyed you (and you hated that you couldn't even figure out why the hell it did to that extend), you had to apologize to her for being so sarcastically rude like a toddler.

“Thank ya Ruka, and I’m sorry. I… was really childish just now. The whole Osamu-Mia thing, ya know…it’s been rough, but that was still uncalled for, so I mean… if ya like Tsumu, we could try something an-“

“Oh my God, (Y/n)-senpai, noooo.”, she immediately waved her hands then crossed them to show an X, emphasizing her next words even more with that gesture, “Aaaabsolutely hell to the fuck no! Atsumu-senpai is objectively hot, yeah, and generally a nice guy and a great Senpai and friend, but that’s literally it. He is SO not my type. I don’t harbor any feelings for him that would go beyond friendship. His chaotic ass is someone else’s problem one day, deeeeeefinitely not mine.”, then she laughed and teasingly elbowed you.

“I just wanted to tease ya a little and it worked, hahaha. It’s okay. Ya didn’t hurt my feelings or anything.”

“Oh… Rukaaaaa”, you whined and then pouted, “Ya so mean, teasing me like that.”, then playfully and gently elbowed her back.

“I didn't think it would work on ya, Senpai, since it’s Atsumu-senpai, ya know? Or could it be… ya actually liiiike-”

“What no!?”, you hastily refused and laughed nervously, “Hell no. I mean.. like yer said, it’s Atsumu. His chaotic ass is someone else’s problem one day, not mine. I don't even like him like that, like yeah he is nice and funny and all, but still he’s my best friend, just that. I mean, we even shared a crib together, so I can’t even imagine feeling anything more than friendship for him, ya know?”

You knew damn well that Ruka did not buy that at all, her raised eyebrow and the suppressed grin didn't do a good job at hiding that either. But, she simply nodded in agreement and turned back to her tray.

“Mn, I totes get that, Senpai.”

With a small sigh, you were glad she just accepted your awkward way of explaining to her that you absolutely did not harbor any feelings for the older twin. Well, despite some sexual feelings, but that was normal, given the friends-with-benefits thing you’ve got going on, but other than that? You did not feel anything!

Thankfully, by the time you were done, both of you giggled again as you walked out of the Ryokan, each carrying a tray with cups of water.

Simply glad you didn’t make things awkward between Ruka and you, you walked back to the beach. Your conversation continued as you walked and you were simply happy you could forget about the weird situation you were in for a moment. Truly… only for a moment though.

As you walked to the spot with the volleyball net, the boys were in a heated battle still, but Ruka didn’t care at all. With a cheerful “(Y/n)-senpai and I are back, guys!” she got the attention of everyone. Well, no. She got the attention of one – only one.

The moment Atsumu heard your name, he physically couldn’t stop himself from turning his head. Since, the moment he realized you were gone, he had slightly less fun playing against his former team mates. So, naturally, when he heard you were back, he wanted to confirm and look for himself.

Oh, how foolish of him.

He watched as your face went from a smile to a panicked expression in just a second when you looked over. The next thing he heard was your frantic “Tsumu look out!” and when he inevitably looked up, there was no time to react as the volleyball landed directly in his face.

Now, it wasn’t just lightly served over the net. It was a full blown, full force spike from his brother that hit him right in the face. Safe to say, the force of the spike knocked him off his feet and he fell backwards into the sand, his hands immediately covering his aching face. A wave of embarrassment, and also pain, brought tears to his eyes.

“Miya-kun are you alright?!” Mia immediately yelled and ran up to him. Ugh, her voice made the throbbing pain even more unbearable.

When he glanced up, she, as well as the others, circled him as he laid there in the sand. Just hearing her “That looked really painful, are you alright!?” annoyed him so unbelievably much and he really wanted to shout at her to shut the fuck up for once and leave him alone. However, the moment he heard your “Tsumu! Ya good?!”, he didn’t feel that bad anymore.

“Yeah…” Though, when he finally moved his hands from his face, it probably didn’t look “good” to you and he probably knew why, when he felt something warm trickle down his nose to his lips. Tsumu witnessed something beautiful that moment when you, who stood further away, immediately pushed through Suna and Samu plus appendage (Mia) - as they stood closest to him - and shoved Osamu’s girlfriend to the side that way. She squeaked, stumbled and dramatically fell against her boyfriend. If only you would rush to see him without that worried expression on your face.

“Okay, come on. Sit up. Now.”, you said, grabbed his hands and pulled him into a sitting position. The blood immediately dripped faster and his knee-jerk reaction was to hiss a “Fuck!” and tilt his head back, but you knew better.

“Head down! Or do yer wanna drink ya own blood, idiot?”, you said and pushed his head down so the blood freely dropped onto the sand. Even that made his heart jump. After all, weren't you just worried about him? How was he not supposed to be happy about that?

Everyone just quietly watched once you plopped down in front of him, probably because they had such accidents back in high school and you had handled those as well, so they didn’t interfere with your work. Slowly, the circle disappeared, also thanks to Ruka who tried to bribe them with the cups of water. Though, all of that didn't matter to Atsumu any longer when you gently cupped his unscathed cheek and slightly turned his head.

“Do ya feel dizzy? Think yer can stand? Let’s see... Yer cheek’s all red and it seems like ya have a cut on the lip…Nose looks good though.”, you inspected his face and even though he knew it was the worst timing, Atsumu felt a little… shy? Because you were so close and also worried about him. It did make his heart flutter a little.

“Nah, not dizzy. Should be fine.”

“Okay, let’s go back though, just to be safe. That was no light spike, we gotta observe and make sure ya don’t have a concussion.” 

“Don’t worry so much, (Y/n), he’s an idiot with a head of steel. Honestly, I hope the volleyball’s okay.”, Samu made light of the situation.

“Samu!”, you immediately looked up with an angry scowl, making his twin visibly flinch and Atsumu thought he heard a small “My bad.”, before you turned back to him, “Let’s go.”

Akagi, Suna and Aran had to quickly look away, because that was awkward. Ruka was just stunned, because throughout all the years she knew you, she had never heard you talk back to Osamu like that. At least not in that sort of tone, usually you would have playfully “exhorted” him, but never meant too seriously. Samu looked a bit embarrassed and uncomfortable, since you would usually laugh at his stupid remarks to make fun of his brother.

But, no one was probably as shocked, to be quite honest, as Atsumu.

He wondered if anyone was capable of hearing his heartbeat because of how fiercely it thumped inside his chest. Atsumu didn’t even know what to say, he just let himself get pulled up by you into a standing position and accepted his t-shirt as a cloth for his blood. Even though he stumbled for a moment, he quickly gained back control over his limbs and was able to walk normally.

You had never told off Osamu before. Especially not in regards to him and that was even more amazing.

“Thanks.” That was all he managed to say, but you just shook your head and made sure to walk closely by his side, just so he wouldn’t suddenly stumble and fall.

The walk back to the Ryokan was wrapped in silence.

“Wait, lemme get the sand off ya or aunty will be livid if we drag that inside.”, you said once you reached the Ryokan and quickly started brushing it off. It showed him once more how comfortable you had become with one another, when you didn’t even think twice about it and patted the sand off his butt and worked your way down his legs to his ankles.

A small shiver ran down his spine, but he kept still otherwise. Who knew all he had to do was get a volleyball spiked in his face for you to be so cute and couple-y with him?

After that procedure, you went inside, snuck past his aunt, so she wouldn’t unnecessarily worry, and got back to your room for the week. Once you pulled out the big towel on the futon, so he could sit down, you looked at his face again.

“Okay, the bleeding has already stopped, so that’s a good sign. Do ya still feel okay? Not foggy or dizzy or anything? Vision’s good?”, you asked him all sorts of questions and Atsumu just nodded.

“All’s good. I’m getting a headache though, but I think that’s inevitable after getting spiked that hard. Otherwise, I’m a-okay.” He even gestured the “Ok”-sign with his fingers as he grinned a little.

“Good. Tell me if anything changes though. We don’t wanna risk anything.”

“Mn.”

Atsumu watched as you got a little something from your suitcase. When you came back to the futon, he realized it was a small emergency pouch.

“Always prepared, huh?”, he teased you and you just playfully slapped his arm with the back of your hand.

“Good thing I am always prepared for something to go wrong, huh? Ever since we were little, ya would get into a fight with Samu or do something else stupid and hurt yourself.”

Now that it seemed he was okay, Atsumu was happy to see you were visibly more relaxed and teased him back.

“I know. Thanks for always being prepared and helping me out.”, he earnestly said.

“It’s okay… I guess that’s my cross to bear being friends with two hotheaded idiot twins.”, you dramatically sighed and in the end, you both chuckled before you properly tended to the wound on his lip.

For a few moments, he was quiet as you dabbed disinfectant solution on his lip and cleaned the small cut. Then he said, “Thank you, though. Not only for that, but also for standing up for me against Samu.”

“Eh, I wouldn’t call it “standing up” per se, he just said something stupid that was totally unnecessary in that situation, but yeah. No problem.”, you smiled at him so cutely he seriously couldn’t help himself anymore.

Thus, he interrupted your cleaning and leaned forward, kissing you fully on your lips, even if his stung a little. Sadly, you pulled back almost immediately. However, not because, as he believed, you were uncomfortable, rather because you were worried.

“Oii ya dummy, doesn’t that hurt??”

“Mnnn…”, he playfully tilted his head back and forth to ‘think’, though then he grinned, “A little. But it’s fine, I wanna kiss yer fully or … do ya hate it…?”

“Well it did feel a little weird and the disinfectant’s kinda gross…”, you got a little quieter at the end and before he could even say something, you had already cupped the cheek that was spared from the spike and leaned in for another kiss.

Atsumu was confused at first when he felt your touch, but the second your soft lips brushed against his, he was smitten. Reaching out to cup your own cheek, he pulled you in closer. He didn’t care about the slight burn, all he felt was that twinge in his stomach he always got when his feelings for you were about to explode. Seriously, he was just so happy, despite getting spiked in the face.

When he pulled back, Atsumu couldn’t contain his stupid happy grin. Though you just sighed and playfully shook your head with an eye roll, before you got back to treating his small wounds.

“So, do yer wanna take a shower to get all the sand off and then lie down?”, you asked while you put away your emergency pouch again.

“Mnnn maybe. My head’s kinda hurting and sleep would probably fix it but I dunno, I don’t wanna stay inside. You?”

“Yeah, I mean it’s such a nice day, but I mean, ya should probably really rest up after that hit. I honestly think I’ll just do my nails if I already have the time. They do be looking a little ugly because of all the exam stress. And I did bring my polish and stuff… Mhnn…”

He watched as you inspected your nails that were usually painted, though now most of the polish had flaked off. Atsumu knew, because it was an open secret he loved looking at you, so of course he also noticed the little details. Besides, he absolutely loved it when you had freshly painted nails, because it just looked so good with your hand wrapped around his co-

“So? What d’ya think? Wanna join me outside for a painting session or wanna stay here and rest up until the others come back from their hike?”, you interrupted his naughty thoughts and he immediately got bashful, as if you had just caught him in a very risqué situation.

Coughing a little, he tried to calm down again and then looked up to meet your eyes.

“Yeah I’ll join ya. Just gimme 10 minutes and I’m ready.”

15 minutes later, you and Atsumu sat down at one of the benches the Ryokan offered as a form of relaxation. He sat across from you, watching as you put your nail polish and other things onto the table.

“Ya know… I’m actually happy that happened.”

“Excuseee me, (Y/n)?”, he dramatically exclaimed and faked a shocking expression.

“No!”, you laughed and softly kicked his shin, “I didn’t mean it like that. I wish ya didn’t have to get injured for that. But ya know… getting away from Mia and Samu, just... having a little time to breath and think. I feel like everything that happened in the last like two months is insane and happened in such rapid succession. I mean, them…then the thing we’ve got going on, final exams, this trip. Like it’s crazy how quickly time flies, really.”

With his head leaning on his arms that rested on the table, he could only nod and grumble in approval. A lot did happen in such a short amount of time, but, his goal was still clear: Make you fall in love with him and forget his brother. No matter how long it took or how much he would get hurt in the process, if you would confidently and with all your heart choose him over Samu one day, he could die happy. And if one day, you chose someone else as your partner, he would stop trying, but until that day, Atsumu was not ready to give up.

“All good? The stank of the acetone is not too bad?”

The way you worriedly asked him was just adorable. He shook his head with a happy little smile adorning his lips, “Everything’s fine.”, and then he continued to watch as you removed the old polish and prepped your nails.

Honestly, as he watched you file and shape your nails, he wondered if you would do it to him as well. More jokingly than anything, Atsumu then reached out his hand and shook it a little as he asked with an amused undertone, “Can ya do mine, too?”

For a second, you seemed confused, which was to be expected, but he didn’t think you would euphorically take his hand and nod in excitement.

“Hell yeah. Ya know, my secret dream was always to become a nail tech, if uni or something didn’t work out that was like my backup plan, so I’d actually love to do that. Can I paint them too?”

You looked up with a sparkle in your beautiful eyes – that’s when he knew he could never possibly say no to that.

“Sure, I mean I asked and a little bit of polish doesn’t hurt.”

“Awesome. I did bring my forest green polish with me ‘cuz I thought it’d matched with the vibes around the Ryokan pretty well. It does have some sparkle to it though…”

“I don’t mind, gimme.”

Quite honestly, watching you smile and be so happy about this, truly made him the happiest. After all the shit you went through over the last weeks, seeing you ecstatic like that warmed his heart. If he knew he could make you happy just by offering to get his nails painted by you, he would have done that sooner. And to top it off, he could feel your touch as you held his hand and worked on it, so this was truly a win-win situation for him.

“Ya know, I always thought you had pretty hands before, but looking at them this closely… yer really taking good care of them, damn.”, you giggled as you got to work.

“Yer thought my hands were pretty?”, he teased you instantly, because if not, you might have heard how his inner self was kicking his feet and screaming like a little girl because of that simple statement.

Safe to say, you immediately got shy and grumbled, “Kinda…”

“Geez why did ya have to make this weird now?” And his punishment quickly followed when you pinched between his thumb and pointer finger.

“Ow, ow, ow! I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I’m just happy.”, he chuckled and whined at the same time.

Why were you so fricking adorable all the time?! You would be the death of him one day.

“Yer so cute…” Atsumu didn’t even realize at first that he hadn’t just thought this, he had also mumbled it. And he only realized that when you kicked his shin again and embarrassingly whined, “Shut up, seriously! No one thinks that besides you, yer so weird!”

But, of course, you had to go ahead and grumble so cutely; though it was surely almost over for him when you looked through your eyelashes all ‘angry’ and then back to his nails again with a little pouty “Hm!”.

Atsumu was so happy, he miserably failed at hiding his stupid happy grin, hence why he buried his face in his still resting arm. The slight stinging and burning of his wounds was the only thing that confirmed that he wasn’t dreaming. He knew you had gotten closer, but witnessing it like that in every interaction you two had, made him so giddy - like a little kid who got a basket full of candy each day. Even if you weren’t a couple (yet) and even if he had to wait many months more, just knowing the relationship you once had as best friends was almost back to where it was, still felt like a big accomplishment to him. Because, despite wanting to touch you, kiss you and just shower you with love, getting back to just doing stupid shit and laughing with you, teasing each other and playfully bicker; all that was also something he had missed a ton.

“I’m so glad we got closer again.” Atsumu said quietly with a blissful smile on his lips.

For a second, you stopped and he felt your eyes on him, hence he looked up and smiled directly at you. When you returned the gestured and smiled at him as well, his heart did a small jump.

“Yeah, me too. I truly forgot how much fun we used to have. I wish I would have never realized my feelings for him, then maybe… we could have stayed that way forever. I got so awkward with Samu and I definitely hurt our friendship with that, too…” You suddenly stopped working on his hand and he realized your glazed eyes once he looked up. “Haha sorry, uhm …”, you fanned yourself, hoping not to start crying.

“I’m sorry Tsumu, really.”, you said with a quiver in your voice, “For how I treated ya. It’s really okay if you actually hate me.”

Quickly, he jumped up, completely ignoring his headache at this point, and rushed around the table to hug you, almost knocking you off the bench due to his force. Thus, you could only hold onto him and accept the tight embrace.

“’s fine. Yer apologize so often and I already told ya it’s okay. I would never hate you, you idiot! Besides…”, he pulled back a little and gently wiped away your tears, “I was never mad or anything, just sad we had this rift between us. So yah… it’s okay now. Really.”   

You looked at him for a second, before he had to hold back a small chuckle when you buried your face in his t-shirt again.

“Thank you. And sorry I got emotional. Our friendship has taken such a weird turn, I… sometimes still don’t know what to think of it. And I’m scared yer gonna use it to take revenge on me for how shitty I’ve treated you as my friend.”

“(Y/n), I… would never. Do ya seriously think so low of me?”, he whispered and hugged you almost a little painfully tight.

“Then… can you tell me the real reason… Why you asked me that time to sleep with you? Why you wanted us to start pretend dating?”

When you looked up to meet his eyes, it took his breath away, but not in a nice sort of way. Because, truthfully, he was a little too stunned to speak. There was no way in hell he could tell you the truth yet. The thought that he might like you, probably never even crossed your mind. Heck, he just found out you basically thought he still hated you secretly.

“I…It’s uhm…”, he stumbled over his words and quickly avoided eye contact, “It’s a little complicated… But I told yer before, right?” Atsumu grabbed your cute, chubby cheeks and kissed you, not caring that any minute his aunt or your friends could come around the corner and see you two. “I already told ya I didn’t ask out of pity or anything, I… just want to help yer get over Samu. Even if it’s a weird way to do that.”

Tsumu couldn’t even take his own lie seriously, but somehow, you seemed okay with that and just nodded. Tough he wished he could read your mind, he couldn’t look into that beautiful little head of your and so, the setter was just happy you accepted his horrible lie. Instead, he squeezed your soft body and snuggled you, simply content that you even allowed him to do that, because a few weeks ago that would have been impossible.

However, as beautiful and intimate that moment felt, it was soon destroyed by a voice that made him gag, “We are baa-AAAACK!?”

It sounded sweet at first and then quickly turned into shock when she saw you two in this tight embrace. Honestly, Mia’s reaction was quite funny, but Atsumu was bracing himself for your inevitable shove, however… it… didn’t come? Instead, you lowered your arms without any haste and then wiped away your tears.

“Ahw no, everything okay, Senpai?”, Ruka was genuinely worried when she was your tears.

“Yeah. Tsumu and I just reconciled and I got a little emotional.”, you smiled and somehow, the boys had a relieved kind of look on their face. Well, they had witnessed your relationship with Atsumu decline over the years, so they were probably just happy for him.

“Soo what were you two doing, hm? Miya-kun, are you sure you’re okay? Shouldn’t you rest up, hm?”, Mia gave herself air and he seriously couldn’t stand it.

“Aahhh damn it, I wanted to do my nails before y’all got back!”, you then exclaimed all of a sudden and Atsumu, who had just fobbed her off with a “Yeah, yeah ‘s fine.”, added, “And mine!”

“Y’all were doing nails?”, Ruka immediately dashed to the table, “Me too, me too.”

You had let go of him again, which was a little sad, but he resisted the urge to go too far and accepted it. Instead, he sat down beside you on the bench while everyone else also came over.

“Can I see the color?”, Rin asked and you immediately gave the polish to him.

“Ya said yer bf’s a nail tech, right? I’m so jealous, imagine yer lover can get yer nails done for ya, I’d love that.”, you giggled and Suna just blushed a little and sat down on the bench opposite of you and Atsumu.

“Yah, he always wants to do something on mine but I just don’t really like the feeling of something on my nails, so yeah… He gets pretty disappointed at times.”, he chuckled and quickly, the conversation had once again reached a nice flow when Aran started talking about his fiancée’s nail, which then turned into Kita telling his story about how he had to maintain his grandma’s nails because she couldn’t properly clip and file them herself without her wrists and fingers aching afterwards.

So, this small insignificant thing turned into a whole conversation and Atsumu completely forgot to ask why they were already here (didn’t they want to walk around the village and hike up the mountain or something?) and instead, he enjoyed the atmosphere. Hanging around with his friends after such a long time truly was just really a joyous experience. Besides, watching Mia out of the corner of his eyes, struggling to fit in and contribute to the conversation was hilarious to him.

That’s what she got for imposing on your trip!

“Sooo.. what happened to the hike? Already had a tour through the village?”, you then asked once the conversation had calmed down again.

“Well you see-“

“Osamu-kun and I were pretty worried about Miya-kun, so I said I wanted to get back and check on you. Right?”, Mia interrupted Omimi rudely and then turned to her boyfriend for support.

It’s only been the second day, but Atsumu could feel the tension between everyone else and Mia and it certainly got worse every time she opened her mouth.

“Yah, I didn’t mean to spike it so hard, sorry bro.” Osamu reached out his hand and ruffled his twin’s hair.

“Mnn, it’s fine.”

Atsumu shooed his hand away and then frowned.

“Honestly, my head’s kinda killing me so… I might get inside and get some rest if that’s okay with y’all?”

Everyone nodded with a sound of approval, though before he could stand up, he felt your hand on his that stopped him for another second.

“Ya feel dizzy too? Lightheaded?”

He inwardly squeed and felt a heart-squeeze. He loved you so much, he just wanted to scream it from the rooftops for fuck’s sake! Ugh!

“Yah a little maybe, can ya help me? Or I might hit my head again.”

And he totally milked it, but when he saw the little glint in your eyes, he knew you probably weren’t too disappointed.

“Sure. Just a sec.”

“Maybe yer should tell yer aunt and get it checked out though?”, Aran suggested, however, Atsumu quickly waved his hand in a dismissive gesture.

“Naaahh. If it gets worse in a few hours I’ll think about it. For now, I’ll just rest until lunch and it should be perfectly fine.”

“Well, if ya say so…”, Akagi begrudgingly said with a worried face and everyone else seemed to be a little worried about it as well. Though Atsumu assured them that everything was fine if he would just get some rest, besides…

“I’ll have (Y/n) in the room with me if anything were to happen, so ‘s gonna be fine.”

With that, Atsumu didn’t want to hear any more and they understood, but of course, one person didn’t really get the hint that it was enough.

“Are you sure (Y/n)-chan can help you? What if you really have a concussion and you have to vomit or something? Or you get a seizure?”

“Don’t worry Mia, the only person who could get through to this stubborn idiot then would be (Y/n) anyways.”, Osamu tried to calm down his girlfriend. He was either really oblivious and naïve or straight up dumb, because even Atsumu found it ridiculous at this point how “worried” Mia was about him.

“But-“

“’s fine.”, he repeated and interrupted her. Atsumu looked down on her as he stood up, enjoying it just slightly how she flinched under his unamused gaze, “Like Samu said: All I need is (Y/n) anyways if anything were to happen.”

“Oh my God, yer so fucking dramatic Tsumu. Shut up and come on, I thought ya needed rest?”, you walked past him and playfully “angrily” slapped his shoulder (to mask your shyness possibly?).

In the corner of his eye, he only saw Ruka and the guys exchanging a look that said “Daaaayum”, before he followed you. Or rather, you had waited for him and then went alongside him to make sure he wouldn’t suddenly really get sick or anything.

Successfully, you and Tsumu snuck past his aunt, so again, she wouldn’t get worried seeing his little injury. Thus, once you reached your room for the week, you sighed a little and put your nail polish back into your little bag. He did feel a little guilty you couldn’t paint your nails.

“Sorry, let’s do ‘em tonight if the weather allows it?”

“Ah yeah, no problem. It was unfortunate timing. But damn, ya ran away from Mia again, even though sHe WaS sO wOrRiEd AbOuT yOu.”, you mocked her and then laughed when you looked up and saw his face that also displayed pure annoyance.

“She should worry about her own damn boyfriend and leave me the fuck alone.”, he mumbled and suddenly plopped down behind you.

“Nehh?”, he hugged your plush form and whispered, “Let’s rest together, yeah?”

You looked behind you and were confronted with his puppy eyes, which, with the blue bruise on his cheek and the injured lip, were even more effective (he hoped at least). For a moment, he watched your internal struggle, before you just sighed and nodded.

“Fine. Let’s rest together, but this time sir – no touching or anything, yer just gonna rest for real, capiche?”

“Aye, aye ma’am.”

You looked at each other for a moment, before you both inevitably had to laugh.

Yeah.

He loved that.

The mood was just great.

Atsumu knew he had never been closer to you before in his life than in that point in time. And no Mia or someone else was going to get between you and him, not after he had finally closed that rift again after so long.

Whatever happened from now on, he just felt it everywhere in his body, his soul and heart: He got so much closer to his goal and he was not accepting any setbacks anymore.

-----------------------

next part (XVII) >> || masterlist

all characters canonically under 18 are always aged up in explicit nsfw situations ; english is not my native language so i apologize for any mistakes

Tag List: (🥺💕)

@kelly-fushiguro345

[analogwriting]

Star-Crossed

Chapter 11: Szív

Donquixote Rosinante x gn!reader word count: 3.2k next

Your father's estate was right outside of town. He preferred to be away from the city, enjoying the peaceful country life. You also enjoyed the countryside - having grown up there and all, but with being on call constantly, you needed to live close to the hospital. Not ideal, but necessary. 

All different kinds of scenarios began to run through your mind. What could your father possibly want right now? Did he hear about last night? You couldn't imagine why he would have. As far as you knew, he didn't keep tabs on you. He knew you could hold your own. That impending doom feeling was growing stronger as you feared your father's estate. Pops’ warning playing in your mind again. Maybe he was on to something. Maybe he was trying to tell you something. 

You took a deep breath. Maybe you were just overthinking things like you always did. Marco was right in that aspect. You always blew things out of proportion because your brain didn't know how to just stop. 

Another thought popped into your head; what if he’s fallen ill? Maybe he’s called you to his estate to say his goodbyes or ask you to take care of him. You probably would, he is your father after all and you loved him. You’d want his last days to be as comfortable as possible.

What the hell were you even thinking? 

Your father still had plenty of years on him. You were sure he was going to be just fine - he was fairly healthy for his age. He came to your hospital about twice a year for a check up anyway and he always did just fine. He always listened to your medical advice, so he was in picture perfect health. 

You needed to just calm down. One deep breath later, your mind relaxed a little. You need to just take things as they come. You were probably worrying about nothing. Perhaps he just forgot to mention something to you. The two of you couldn’t exactly talk on the phone as lines were never safe. It was safer for you to just meet him somewhere and talk in person.

It wasn’t long before you pulled up to his large estate. It was a large, gated mansion with many rooms. Acres of well maintained land, a guest house, a pool, just about everything you’d imagine for your typical mafia family. Or as the public knew him, a politician. Besides, this place had been in your family for generations at this point. It was all old money.

You entered through the gates, heading down the long driveway, parking in the rounded end by the doors. You stepped out of the car, heading up the steps. The two positioned at the doorway stopped you. “State your name and business you have.” 

You looked at them with an expression that said you couldn’t be bothered right now. “C’mon, Daniel, you know who I am. Stop playing around.” You tried to walk past him but he stuck out his arm. “State your name and business you have.” He said again, more firm this time. You just stared at him in disbelief. What the hell was he on right now?

You looked at the other man with him. “You’re really just gonna let him treat me like this, Gabriel?”

The man didn’t even look at you, just kept looking forward in his position. This wasn’t like them at all. They usually greeted you with smiles and asked how things went. You grew up with these men, they were pretty much like your uncles. They helped raise you. Now they were acting all cold and distant. Once more Pops’ warning sat in the back of your mind. You knew you were going to need to go and get some answers.

“What the fuck is going on?” You glared at both of them. “Just let me see papi.”

“Name and business.”

“I swear to fuck, I will kick your ass.” You glared at Daniel who stared right back at you. Whatever was going on, you weren’t a fan of it. You don’t know why they were testing you right now because they both knew damn well you could take them both on with no sweat. 

“I’m going to have to ask you to-” You grabbed Daniel’s arm, turning around and using your entire body to throw the man over your shoulder. Gabriel moved to grab you, only to miss as you sidestepped, kicking him in the back. Both men tumbled down the stairs and you threw open the door and marched inside. You didn’t fucking have time for this. You were already irritated because you were in the middle of a very important discussion and now they were testing your patience.

What in the everliving fuck was that about?

You walked down the long hallway, towards your father’s study. You were just assuming that’s where he was. He spent most of his time there anyway. You grabbed the handle of the double doors, flinging them open. Your father was at his desk that faced the door, a large window displaying his vast landscape behind it. There was also a girl who looked to be about seventeen. Maybe eighteen.

“What the hell is wrong with Gabe and Danny?” 

Your father looked up, his eyes widened in surprise. He sighed, pinching the bridge of his nose. “I’m assuming you took them out?”

“Papi, why the hell would I kill them? I just threw ‘em around.” You shrugged, folding your arms as the doors closed behind you. “Now, what did you need to see me for?”

Your father looked at you for a long moment. Immediately, you felt uneasy. There was something about the look in his eye. It was cold, calculated. Not at all like the warmness in which he usually looked at you. The girl next to him was also looking at you in a way you didn’t really care for - like she was up to no good. There was a smug look on her face and you wanted to punch her. She also just had one of those faces that your fists ached to connect with.

Again, Pops’ words rang in your head - his ominous warning to be careful.

“Sorry, I was just thinking how to start this conversation,” your father said, leaning back in his chair as he looked at you. He shook his head. “Ripping off the bandaid is probably the best way. You’ve always preferred things like that.” You nodded. He wasn’t wrong. You liked to get to the point, you didn’t like pussyfooting around the subject.

“Y/n,” he said and immediately you knew something bad was about to happen. Your father never called you by your name, not even when you were being scolded. He has never really called you by your name, it was always some nickname in his native tongue. Just as you never really called him ‘dad’ in english. It honestly made you feel like crawling out of your skin - it felt wrong.

“This is your sister, Trinity.” He gestured to the girl next to him, who offered a small wave with a smug smile. Immediately, your eyes widened and you froze. Sister? Since fucking when? When the hell did your father meet someone? Or did he just take someone in? You had no idea. 

“Sister? Papi, when did you ever have another kid?” You folded your arms, still trying to process things. Why the hell would he have another kid without telling you? Why would he have another kid in general? Did he have another wife after your mother?

Your father stood up, sighing. “When you started going off to college and started pulling away, I decided to set up a plan b. I needed another child to take over the family just in case you ended up completely cutting yourself off.” He walked over to the window looking out at the landscape.

“I found a woman and paid her to carry my child, giving her to me when she was born. She’s been here the whole time, but I never let you meet her. I knew you wouldn’t approve of me having another child in this life. Or, at least you’d tried to take them with you. I know how much you hate kids being involved in all this. I wasn’t going to let you take away my plan b.” 

You were stunned. He had a child just because you didn’t want to take over the business? He was talking about her like she was an object, not his child. Was she okay with all of this? She looked content with his decision. You still couldn’t believe he kept all this from you.

“When you made the decision to part ways, I really began to train Trinity. Sure, she’s not naturally gifted for this lifestyle like you were, but with time and practice, I know she’ll do great.” He turned to look at you. The way he looked at you sent shivers down your spine. This was not the man you knew.

“I no longer need you anymore. You wanted to be cut off, you’re being cut off. You’re no longer a part of this family. You already took that bastard’s last name. You’re no longer any child of mine. You are of no use to me.” He looked at you with utter disgust and it hurt more than any bullet wound ever had. “All that time - wasted. I showed you love and affection and what did it get me? Nothing but an ungrateful child. How am I to secure my legacy if I don’t have a child?” He shook his head.

You were speechless. Tears stung your eyes and you felt like your entire world was falling apart. He was just using you? “But…what about mamma?”

“What about her? I married her specifically to sire me a child to raise and train. Lot good it did me.” He shook his head, clicking his tongue. “She was weak. She constantly talked of how she didn’t want you in this life, how she just wanted you to grow up however you wanted, but your only purpose was to take over the family. Nothing else.” 

Every sentence was a wound in your heart. You felt sick. 

“You inherited your mother’s weak heart, which is a shame considering you inherited my skills. You were perfect for this lifestyle. You were cold, heartless, good at everything. You were a natural. My golden child. You were going to do so well. Then, you just decided to be a doctor and ‘help people instead’. You made a complete 180 and I’m still not sure what happened to make you do that.” His tone mocked you at the end.

The world began to spin around you. He never loved you or your mother? He only saw you as tools for his grand scheme of things. “Why…? Why call me here to tell me that? You could’ve never told me any of this.” Hearing him talk about your mother in such a way…you knew he loved her. You saw the love they shared when you were younger. You had always wanted the same kind of unconditional love. Was…it also all a lie?

He looked at you with disdain, rolling his eyes. “I’m taking your hospital.” 

Your blood ran ice cold. “What?” Your father raised his eyebrows. “You heard me. I’m taking your hospital.” He walked over to you and you couldn’t move, frozen from the moment he started dropping verbal bombs on you.

“The original plan was to let you do your thing, then have you join again. I thought this whole neutral thing was a phase. Your hospital has quite the reputation. It’s in a perfect place, it’s already got the underground kind of vibe we need. It’s perfect for what I need.” He stopped in front of you, looking down at you with a sly grin.

“You really thought I’d just let you leave the family without something in return?”

“I won’t let you take the hospital,” you said softly, slowly. Your father barked out a laugh, making you flinch as his voice bounced off the walls of the large room. “You don’t have a choice. Besides, Doflamingo and Sir Crocodile have already taken it over.”

Your stomach sank to your feet. “What?” Your voice was barely above a whisper. “Since when-?”

“When do I work with them? Since we realized how much more we can control together.” He chuckled, shaking his head. Your father never came off as the power hungry type, what was going on? “Doflamingo noticed his little brother had come back and had taken a liking to my child. We thought you two were going to try and pull one over on us. Take us down.”

“That’s not-”

“Oh, I know.” A dark chuckle came from him. “Even if I wasn’t able to get you to take over the business, you were still loyal to me. I know you wouldn’t have betrayed me in such a manner, no matter what that Donquixote boy said. I suppose at least I had that if nothing else.” He shook his head, putting his hands on his hips.

“We decided to work together to take over your hospital, make it ours. You crafted the perfect hospital for me. A place where law enforcement turns a blind eye. It will be our neutral ground. So, thanks for that. I suppose you did provide some use in the end. It’ll be easier to cover certain things up with a hospital under our reign.” 

A sly grin spread across his face. “I suppose the olive branch I extended all those years ago did work out in the end. Just took a little time.”

You backed away. You needed to get back to your hospital. You needed to keep people safe. 

“Oh, they’re already there, y/n. As we speak, Doflamingo and Crocodile are working on…new management. Your little buddy Marco will probably need a new job. Since you crafted this perfect oasis for us, I decided to spare all your little employees. They will all be let go, however. They are loyal to you, I’m sure. Don’t trust ‘em.” He paused, looking at you from the corner of his eye. “I wonder how the little reunion between Doflamingo and Rosinante will go?” 

Once again, you felt your stomach drop. You stumbled backwards, vision blurring with tears. Everything you had worked so hard to achieve, gone in an instant. How did this man that showered you in love and affection all your life do this to you? How did you not see it even once?

“I’m sure you can find another job. You have an outstanding resume. Or, you know, you can keep your job. All your friends can keep theirs. You would just have to work for me. Rejoin the family.”

You stared at your father with bewilderment and disbelief. Nothing felt real and everything hurt. Everything you knew had all been a lie - a part of your father’s plan. Did Pops know about this? Is that why he gave you that warning? Is this what their falling out was about? You had so many questions, but your head started to hurt the more you thought about it.

“You can think about it. Not long. Probably from here until you get to the hospital to sign it over. Doflamingo has already gathered up all your little cronies that know about the true part of the hospital. I think he mentioned that he was surprised to see his little brother there too. I’m sure that reunion is going swimmingly.” 

Your eyes widened and fear set in. Innocent people were being thrown into all this. Marco was never a part of this life. Corazon had removed himself from it. They weren’t a part of this - so why bother them! This was all your fault. You were stupid and naive to think you could leave with no strings attached. 

You just looked at your father - no. He was no longer your father. The only father you had now was Pops. You didn’t know the man before you. This man was a stranger to you.

You were ripped out of your thoughts as his phone rang. He pulled it out of his front pocket, looking at the screen. “Speak of the devil,” he said. He answered it, putting it on speaker. “Go for Anthony.”

“Are you almost done? Are they on their way? Everyone is getting so squirmy. Hey - stop moving! I will shoot you.”

“Doflamingo, don’t do that or we lose our leverage.”

All the air left your lungs. You couldn’t breathe. Leverage? Who all did they have? All just to get you to sign over the hospital? 

“They’re with me now. You’re on speaker. I think they were just about to head your way.”

“Oh, are they there? Well, y/n, can you hurry the hell up? I don’t have all damn day!” 

“Y/n!” Corazon was there? Fucking, dammit all. They must’ve shown up just as you left. You had been hoping he left, but that bastard did mention Doflamingo seeing him. “Don’t do it! It’s a t-”

There was a gunshot and multiple cries. “Corazon!” You heard the boys all crying for him and you couldn’t move. The world around you went still. 

“You were already on thin fucking ice for leaving and lying, you should’ve known better.” He clicked his tongue. “You better hurry up or he’ll bleed out.” With that, Doflamingo hung up.

Your entire body went numb and everything went still. You heard the man before you talking, but you couldn’t hear him. Corazon had been shot by his own brother. At this point, you wouldn’t be surprised if your bastard of a father would do the same. What was up with these men and being unable to just…have loyalty to their own family? 

No, no. Now wasn’t the time to start freaking out. You needed a plan. The first thing you needed to do was get to Corazon. Then you could deal with everything else. Unfortunately for everyone else, you were good at working under pressure.

You turned on your heel, feeling rage slowly building up in your chest. You knew you couldn’t let it consume you. You needed to keep a clear head if you were going to do this successfully without anyone getting hurt. 

You reeled your arm back, turning back around, and punching your dad square in the jaw, sending him reeling back. Trinity pulled out a gun, pointing at you and you glared at her. “Do it, coward.” Then she did, but her aim was off, as you could see in the first place. The bullet flew right past your head but it did graze your cheek. You didn’t care, the fear in her eyes was enough for you. It was clear she saw the difference between you and her now.

You turned on your heel once more, running down the hallways. You could already hear multiple footsteps heading down the hallway. You burst through the doors and the two standing guard tried to tackle you, but you were too agile and quick. You easily dodged them. “Getting old!” you shouted, hopping in your car and taking off. If they had a lick of smarts, they would’ve sabotaged your car somehow, but they didn’t. 

You peeled off, speeding back to your hospital. It was a race against time.

[campgender]

Hi, my friend has a chronic illness that flares up sometimes and we've been wanting to hang out but it has gotten cancelled a couple times lately bc of her not feeling well enough on the day. I want to ask her how she feels cuz I care abt her a lot and want an update but 1, I don't want her to feel pressured or like I'm asking just to ask can we hang out now, and not bc I care abt how she's feeling (does that make sense? I may be overthinking this) and 2, I genuinely wanna know how she's doing but idk what to say if she responds with her not being better, sometimes u don't feel better and that's ok but I always want to offer comfort somehow or just convey my friendship? but I feel the same everytime and don't want to sound repetitive ?

Any thoughts?

this is really kind of you & it means so much to me that you want to support your friend & are putting so much thought into it! my response is inherently based in my own experience to an extent & everybody’s different, but a lot if not all of this is stuff i’ve heard regularly from other chronically ill people. of course, don’t say anything you don’t mean – if some of this isn’t the case for you, just adapt accordingly :)

i understand worrying about being repetitive but i think that’s totally okay to do! for one thing, it can be difficult to remember things period when you’re ill, especially during a flare, & for another, internalized + societal ableism is a hell of a force. it never hurts to have a reminder that not everyone is trying to force ableist expectations onto you + your friendship & that someone cares about you!

i think you can definitely tell your friend pretty much what you told me! like, “hey, it’s okay if you aren’t feeling up for responding but i just wanted to check on you! not trying to pressure you to hang out or anything, i just care about you & how you’re doing”

honestly the most important + supportive thing people have ever told me is that it’s okay if the answer is “bad.” i’m literally like surprised pikachu meme every time somebody offers to let me vent about having a rough time & then it helps me just to talk about it. it’s really socially unacceptable to talk about chronic pain & a lot of people get frustrated when you’re complaining about the same thing & there’s not really anything they can do, so just the opportunity to be like “yeah shit fucking sucks right now” means a lot.

obv the appropriateness of this depends on the person & their relationship to disability but most of the time i’m very like, radical acceptance / embracing / etc about the fact that i’m probably just gonna get sicker, so sometimes when i’m having a rough time emotionally & am like “what if i’m this bad for the rest of my life” my gf (who doesn’t have chronic pain / chronic illness) will say something like “then i can’t wait to be there with you ❤️” & it’s more meaningful to me than i can begin to put into words.

again everybody’s different but for me one of the biggest things is when disability stuff just… isn’t a big deal to the other person. which, it’s totally okay for you to need support from others when someone you care about is going through a hard time & when things change! but abled people are constantly horrified about like, every aspect of my life, so being able to talk casually about symptoms & somebody mirror the mood / tone i set – laugh if i’m joking, be upset about the ableism i experience & not my body itself if i’m complaining about people being weird about it, taking things as they come – is so affirming.

other things that have been helpful + meaningful for me are friends sending me notes, stickers, & art in the mail – having something tangible can make me feel more “real” & part of the world, something i struggle with due to being homebound – & peer support around medical neglect, which often just looks like talking to someone after a doctor’s appointment & them reaffirming my reality / experiences & saying i didn’t deserve to be treated that way.

oh one other change in language i’ve made over time & probably picked up from a few other ill people in my life is a sort of realistic encouragement – there’s not necessarily anything wrong with “i hope you feel better soon!” because like, i get that the message is well-intentioned, but it can be awkward & difficult to receive when you don’t know if that’s gonna happen. instead, i try to tell people something like “i hope you get a bit of relief soon” or “i hope things are a little easier tomorrow.” a 7/10 pain day may be horrifying for most people, but when you’ve had a streak of 9s, it can be a much-needed taking the edge off, & i try to make space for that breadth of experience in my language.

i’ve answered a few similar questions before so i’ll add my “asks” & “faq” tags on my chronic illness blog in the reblogs if you want to browse! much love to you & your friend and feel free to lmk if you have any other questions 💓💓

[anittam]

ToT Theory: We Already Passed The Prologue, We Just Didn't Realized It

Hi, nerds! I been on a break from playing tears of themis, bc for a while it stopped being a game I enjoy playing and started feeling more and more like a chore, but recently I started playing again, so I think I will start posting again, so yeah.

Yesterday when I got home from work, instead of my brain helping me relax, it kept bombarded me with abstract and useless concepts, preventing me from sleeping, and just like that, this theory was born.

Warning: Crack theory (I meant it), and spoilers.

I have no clue of how long you been playing tot, but let me tell you something, early game tot fandom were fighting for the lives, because of the game's prologue, that shit was crypted (I not sure if I used this right) as fuck, for no good reason. Trust me when I say, people were losing iq points trying to get some sense out of this.

So many theories were made, some saying that vyn was the villian, rosa was a traitor or amnesiac, stuff like that, but what most theories had in common was that the prologue happend somewhere in the future of the game, that eventually we would do a full circle and go back to the begining of the game.

So here is my sleep deprivation theory on this subject, the prologue happended somewhere between the blossom chapter 4 and the first year anniversary.

Hear me out, at this point of the game I fully I believe that the dream sequence was really a dream, and not a trance vision. Rosa, our sweet sweet Rosa, just received love confessions from her four good male friends, and she doesnt know what to do, she is overthinking and overanalyzing trying to decide who she should chose, because she likes all four of them in a romantic way. She is thinking about it so much that she even started dreaming about it.

In the dream sequence, she sees the boys, Luke, Artem and Marius, and its connection with them, being represented by 3 objects.

If you paid attention to the blossom chapters, you would realize that thoses objects where thing that represents Rosa getting closer to them, by the way, all of those objects where introduce in the first blossom chapter (I think is because the writes just had a general ideia of the way the story would go so they just putted there in the beginning so they wouldnt have to think to much about them). The 3 objects were, luke's box, which is a central point to his personal story, a painting Marius gifted Rosa, and a bouquet Artem sended to Rosa (I know the flower is not the same, but the change is to represent Rosa's feelings at that moment).

These 3 things, although important in helping Rosa and the ones she loved build a strong relationship, it also brings her sorrow because of her indecision. Because she cant possibly love four people at the same time, thats insane, and cruel on them.

But anyway, after that she sees herself in vyn's office, and he say some weird shit, which phrase referring to one of the boys.

Luke: he talks about the chest of memories, rosa spent 8 years think about luke, what she did wrong, why he abandoned her, just for him to throw some bullshit excuse at her, in luke's first bithday card, Rosa say that she hated luke, but she cant stop loving him. But since he came back, she started to learn more and more about him, and his new life, and she is not exactly thrilled. When it come to she and Luke, there are trust issues, that are very hard to overlook, but they learn to work it out.

Marius: he talks how Rosa pretends to be okay and she is not, and that my friends is a recurring theme in their relationship. And not only her, but Marius is the same, they are constantly trying to not let the other know whats going on, they put on this facade of "im fine, dont worry" which just let the other more concerned. They have communication problems, but as the story they learn to be more open, and properly communicate their needs and concerns.

Artem: this part is the most used in "Rosa is a traitor" theories, because vyn talks about standing by your convictions but betraying your heart. And seeds of this happening was already presented in cannon storyline and in the Artem's personal story, in chapter 3 of the cannon story, Rosa strongly believes that the law is wrong, because if mother killed to save their child, they shouldnt be punished. And Artem's blossom chapter 2, Rosa wants to go against her clients wishes and push her to put her husband to trail for domestic abuse. In both scenerios, Rosa show herself to be a very closed mind person, and if she thinks somethinf is right, she would stand by it to the very end, what ends up causing friction between her and Artem. But in the end she give up her ideials, to do the "right thing", and that is her greatest conviction, doing what is right, she doesnt always agree, and sometimes she gets hurt in the process, but she done right nonetheless. Alternatively, it could also mean, think she has to choose one boy, even if she likes all four.

And after that she start feeling overwhelmed, she is in pain, and vyn makes her go to sleep again.

Now, what about vyn? What is his part in all of this? Since they barely touched on the hypnosis subject on the game, we could link this to one other moment in the game, in vyn's blossom chapter 4, Rosa witness vyn hypnotizing a pacient to help her realize that the one she loved was only using her, which left an impact on Rosa. Maybe her subconscious thought that such practice would help her decided which boy she should choose, but that didnt help her, just left her more confused.

And then she woke up. Without having her response, and still not knowing who to pick.

And this is my theory.

[sunshineyuuji]

Hi I’m glad you’re feeling better. I was wondering if you could write a Dazai x a gender neutral MC where he finds out the reader has depression but also finds out the reader has healthy coping mechanisms and they talk and teach him about it.

Thank you

❤️❤️❤️

"I want a happy ending with you..."

Characters: Osamu Dazai

Warnings: depression, overthinking, insecurities, coping with depression, mentions of reader not eating, gn!reader, mentions of suicide (Dazai's death), maybe bad English?, idk if Dazai will be ooc but just in case, brief mention of panic attacks, it's quite long, ngl;

Notes: hello, Nani~! Thank you so much for worrying~ ♡. I'm happy that you requested, though I must say you caught me by surprise with this request. Personally, as someone who deals with depression, I don't know if I have a coping mechanism for depression? I just try and distract myself from overthinking? (Never ignore your feelings, please. Look for someone willing to hear you) But I'm glad I can talk about this. Also, I'll be speaking from MY experience dealing with depression so I want to be clear that not everyone deals with depression the same way just in case anyone gets confused, ok? Well, I hope I can do this without fucking up. And sorry if it's too long for your liking and uhhh maybe the end is a bit rushed?? Idk, I'm sorry. And sorry for posting this so late!

Osamu Dazai isn't only known for his amazing and shocking books, but also because of his tragic ending. He died by committing suicide with his lover, Tomie Yamazaki, on June 13, 1948. But an opportunity came and Le Comte de Saint-Germain gave him the chance to continue living as a vampire moments before his death... And he accepted.

It is well known that Osamu Dazai battled with depression most of his life, attempting suicide more than once. His decision of living as an immortal is still a mystery.

But he doesn't regret being an immortal being, not now that he met you. You were the most beautiful and extraordinary person in his eyes and nothing could change his mind. You were gorgeous and deserved to be treated like royalty. You were his light.

But he was no fool. Though he always seemed silly and loved to tease, that didn't mean he was a fool, on the contrary. Of all thr guests in the mansion, he was the most observant and attentive to any physical or emotional change in other people. And he knew damn well what you were thinking or feeling.

Depression. You were battling with depression, just like he was.

It all started with the panic attacks you started to have when you arrived at the mansion. I mean, who wouldn't be anxious? You were all alone stuck in another century in a mansion full of men. And if that wasn't scary enough, those men were vampires. You had all the right to be anxious.

He didn't pay much attention to it at first. I mean, he helped you to accommodate in the mansion and was always there to get a smile out of you, but he didn't really think anything else about the panic attacks.

That was until the sudden episodes started.

They started out of nowhere. The night before you could be giggling and dancing with all the guests in the house then the next day in the morning you were oddly quiet. The forced smile on your face when any of the guests were talking, but as soon as they took their eyes off of you, your smile would disappear and you would remain silent again while you stared into space.

When you two started dating, he noticed more about you that just screamed what you were going through. You were always overthinking about the most simple things and were constantly insecure, asking yourself is you were good enough for him or if you could ever make him happy. Then he noticed that you barely slept at night, but always felt sleepy during the day. But what made him step in was when you refused to eat your meal once when you clearly didn't eat all day.

Dazai knew what was going on inside your head and, while he didn't know how to help himself, he wanted to help you because if he helped you he could be better. So he decided to talk to you about it.

"Oh, that..." you whispered, not knowing how to talk about it. "Yes, I'm aware that I did wrong on skipping my meal today... That's why I'm going for a walk."

Anyone else wouldn't have thought anything of what you said, but not Dazai. Dazai felt his chest sink as you said the words "go for a walk." He didn't know if you also had those thoughts and, although he had resorted to double suicide on multiple occasions, he tried to ignore those thoughts and if he dragged you along with him he would lose you forever.

"I'll go with you." he offered, hiding his fear in a smile. "How impolite of me it would be to let you walk alone at this time of the afternoon, don't you think?"

You stayed a few long seconds in silence, contemplating if nothing would happen if he went with you. In the end you agreed to his offer with the thought in mind that maybe, just maybe, this walk could help him too.

"But eat something first." he ordered, his tone still soft and gentle. "I won't let you leave until you eat something."

Although little, you were able to eat the delicious dinner that you had helped Sebastian make. You ate quickly because you wanted to go out and clear your mind. You didn't want to, you had to.

"Can we please go to a walk now?" you pleaded and Dazai had no choice but to go out with you. Using the door, of course. Through the window it was going to be difficult for you.

Dusk came and the sky was painted a set of orange and purple colors. The atmosphere was perfect for a date like those you two used to have from time to time, but today was going to be an exception.

You both walked in silence without any exact destination. Dazai expected you to say something to him, but you only admired the beautiful surroundings. What distracted you was a quiet and lonely children's park. You looked at Dazai, and without waiting for an answer, you walked over to the swings and began to swing.

"Come sit with me." you called out to him while smiling softly.

He quickly sits on the swing next to you and rocks with you. You both enjoy the relaxing atmosphere, the afternoon breeze, and the soft laughter that you both let out. For a moment, you both forgot the real reason you had come out. You felt happy to be able to enjoy this moment with him, even though you knew that this joy would vanish for the moment, but you didn't care. At this precise moment, you didn't care because you knew that the reason for your happiness was Dazai.

But... You stopped. You stopped because even though you were happy with him, you had to talk to him. You continued to rock, but your laughter stopped.

"Dazai, love." you called, causing him to stop.

"Yes?" he answered.

"You know... I know that you better than anyone can understand what's happening to me. These sudden mood swings and so on..."

Dazai stopped swinging on the swing and looked at you. He didn't know what to answer you, although what you said was true: Dazai could understand you better than anyone.

"Sometimes I go out to distract myself." you continued talking. "I'm always looking for something to distract myself and try not to get consumed by it. I'm trying, I swear."

That piqued his curiosity. Distract you? Did that work? He personally never knew how to deal with his depression, since he lived in other times, but he was interested in knowing how you managed to deal with it.

"What things do you do to distract yourself?" Dazai asked interested.

"Oh! Well... I sometimes sneak to hear Mozart playing, which relaxes me." you started to explain a little embarrassed. "Or I bake too. Sometimes sleeping helps."

"That's... I didn't know there were ways to help deal with this." Dazai admitted, fascinated. "So you do things you like to distract and relax yourself?"

"That's correct." you gave him a small smile.

"I see... Can I try something like that too?" Dazai asked.

"Of course! Just look for things that can relax you." you recommended.

"Writing works... And spending time with you."

You blushed when you heard what he said and lowered your head, smiling.

He loved you. You both loved each other. You might have your problems, but you loved each other deeply. Your wish, his wish, the wish of both of you was to overcome whatever life threw at you and be together... For eternity.

[phantomtgm]

Phantom - Chapter Ten

Maverick’s P.O.V

Two days had passed since Ava walked away almost in tears. Two days of me not being truthful with her. The truth is, I didn’t know what to say or how to tell her what was going on. I feared she would be creeped out and I didn’t want that to happen. 

Besides Ava being constantly on my mind, I was worrying about Rooster. Going beneath the hard deck with him didn’t do so well with Admiral Simpson seeing as I was called back to his office before getting started with training today. 

I stood ramrod straight as Simpson continued to yell. I just stood there and did my best not to smirk.

“The hard deck is five thousand feet above ground level. A parameter is set not just for the safety of our pilots, but for their safety of their aircraft. Five thousand feet is not just a rule. It is a law, as immutable as gravity.”

I crossed my hands behind my back and said “The hard deck will be much lower for the mission, sir.” 

“And it will not change without my approval, especially not in the middle of an exercise!” I opened my mouth to speak but the admiral was not done.

“And that cobra maneuver of yours? That could’ve gotten all three of you killed! I never want to see that shit again. What exactly do you suppose you were teaching, captain?”

Finally able to speak, I uttered “That as good as they are, sir, they still have something to learn.”

An exasperated look appeared on Simpson’s face and I had to fight back the smirk that was threatening to appear on my face. 

Finally he said, “You are talking about the best fighter pilots on the planet, captain.”

“And they’ve been told that their entire career, while they’ve been dropping bombs from a high altitude with little to no dogfighting.” I paused the carried on. “The parameters of this mission call for something they have never encountered.”

Simpson seemed to contemplate this for a moment then spoke “Okay, you have less than three weeks to teach them how to fight as a team and how to strike the target.”

I didn’t hesitate to say “And how to come home.” He gave me another look so I repeated myself. “And how to come home, sir.”

The admiral fell back in his seat and softly said “Every mission has its risks. These pilots accept that.”

I arched my brow and said rather defiantly “I don’t, sir.”

That seemed to light a fire beneath his ass because he belted out “Every morning, from this day forward, you will brief us on your instructional plans in writing. And nothing will change without my express approval.”

“Including the hard deck, sir?” I asked. Followed by “Especially the hard deck, captain.”

I nodded then took the file I had and plopped it on his desk. “Sir.”

His brow arched and said “What is this?”

I unfolded my hands and answered him. “It’s a request to lower the hard deck, sir, to practice a low-level bombing run per the mission parameters.”

Another exasperated look later, I was outside his office with approval to practice on a lower level deck. 

“You could learn a thing or two about timing, captain.” Warlock spoke as I made my exit. I just gave him a smile and went on to tell my pilots to meet me at the beach for some football…with a twist that is.

-

Phantom’s P.O.V

For whatever reason, Maverick wanted all of us to meet him at the beach. That meant having to wear beach attire. And be around Maverick while doing so. 

“Ughh…”I audibly groaned as I sifted through my closet for a suitable swimsuit. Nerves had my entire body shaking. There was no way I could do this. What would Maverick think? 

Oh God. Maverick would see me in my swimsuit. Nope, nopeity nope nope nope. I wanted to pull my hair out. My heart was racing and I was on the verge of a breakdown.

I paced back and forth and stopped in front of the mirror. I needed to breathe. I was totally overthinking this. Just pick out a top and just wear some shorts. 

Everything was going to be okay. I just needed to chill the hell out.

-

I was so not chilled out. It was hot as fuck outside but that wasn’t the reason why I sweating so hard. I was practically bouncing on my heels when Phoenix approached me with a concerned look on her face.

“What’s got your panties in a wad Phantom?” She eyed me up and down and fought back a smirk. “Or should I say who?” She quipped and I just glared.

“Shut up.” I said, crossing my arms over my exposed chest. I mean I had a swimsuit top on so I wasn’t fully exposed but still. It felt like I was exposed. I don’t know why I was reacting this way considering I’ve been to the beach in my swimsuit before with everyone. 

“Come on…maybe we can get these nerves out of you but first…sunscreen.” She whipped out a bottle of spray sunscreen then began to hose me down with it. 

“Okay that’s enough!” I waved my hand around at all of the excess sunscreen going around and said “Your turn!” I took the can and made sure she was covered just like she did with me. 

“Damn, you’re going to use the whole can up!” “I’m just showing you the same courtesy you showed me!” I laughed then set the can down and immediately I felt impending doom. I knew I was being stupid but that man made me nervous even when I was upset with him. 

“Let’s go.” Phoenix practically yelled and I set off after her. 

My feet hit the hot sand and I dug my toes in, feeling a bit better. I loved the beach so maybe today wouldn’t be too bad even though we were basically going to be dogfighting but with a football?

I don’t know whose idea that was but it was going to be interesting.

We walked all the way to where the water was and someone yelled our names. I looked over and saw Rooster waving us over.

“It’s so weird being the only two girls out of this whole bunch.”

I shrugged and said “Yeah but we can sure fly a whole lot better.”

“You got that right!” Both giggling, we finally made our way to the group, everyone slapping each other’s hands in greeting. 

“What do we have here?” Hangman’s voice pierced my ear. I turned towards him with my arms crossed. 

“Think you can handle a little football gals?” He teased. I scoffed, typical Hangman. 

“Please…us girls will be the ones to beat you.” Natasha spoke confidently. I just stood there as Hangman boasted.

“We’ll see about that.” Finally catching my eye, he winked then swaggered away. I waited until he was far enough away and said “I wish someone would just knock his ass out.” Natasha laughed. 

“Oh I know what you mean. He is a pain in the ass.”

“Most definitely.”

We were all gathered in a big huddle with no idea where Maverick was. It was four in the afternoon, the time he told us to be here and yet he wasn’t here. Typical Maverick. 

Suddenly, Hangman and Coyote yelled out “Yo Rooster! Where is Maverick?” Having no idea why Hangman would think Rooster knows where he is at, I shook my head but the jumped at the sound of another voice. 

“I’m right here Hangman.” The voice was eerily close so I turned around to see Maverick standing there with two footballs in his hands but that is not what caught me off guard. 

Shirtless and with sweat already glistening down his torso, I almost fainted right then and there. I had never seen him with his shirt off before and would have never thought his body would have looked like that. This old school fighter pilot was packing some rock hard abs and was more attractive than any of these other buffoons with us at the beach.

Apparently I was staring because Phoenix elbowed me, making me look over at her so I said “What? Why are you looking at me like that?” 

“Oh I know why you are so nervous now. You have the hots for Mr.Maverick over here.” She snickered and my face immediately went red like a tomato. “I was so right! You are blushing!” She squealed and I immediately put my hand over her mouth and dragged her away. 

“Shut up! I don’t need everyone to hear you blurt that out!” Phoenix was still giggling but then suddenly her eyes went wide and I moved my hand from her mouth. 

“What is it?” I practically squeaked. 

A smirk spread across her mouth and she just pointed to whatever was behind me and I could feel my chest tighten up. 

Oh boy.

I turned around, glad I had my sunglasses on and saw Maverick standing there with his signature smile. I melted into a puddle at that moment. 

Watching as his eyes glazed over my body, I choked up even more, practically paralyzed. 

“Phantom.” was all he said as he smiled and walked past me, 

My heart thudded and I raised my hand to my chest. 

Yeah, that man was going to be the death of me.

[lilalexxx]

Man, being ace and a virgin sometimes really fucking sucks.

Some rant and vent about emotions, feel free to skip (this is mainly for myself and maybe other ace people)

Don't get me wrong, there's nothing nothing wrong with being a virgin, and even though with a high libido (like I have) the chance is still real.

But what sucks for me is the uncertainty of intimacy. I can't define where "normal" intimacy ends, and where "sexual" intimacy starts. All I know is what feels comfortable and right.

Also my mind is constantly left worrying cause of the whole sex thing, because what if you find someone that values sex a lot, and you just don't have any experience in it. I don't know what, or if, or how I like things. And of course it's normal to be like that, of course it's okay to try things out, but I feel like wasting someone's time or potentially putting them through some worse times. Cause what if I don't like it? All the time wasted for them. All because of me.

At the same time, I want to find out these things with a partner. But sometimes my asexuality feels like a ticking time bomb, that I cannot control. That I might end up doing unimaginable harm and bring sadness just because I was too dumb to figure myself out when I was younger, like most people did.

It weighs on me, and it's something I wish I could just, figure out. But then my brain has to explain to me again that my views are warped by being ace. For me, sex is just an act of intimacy, like being brutally honest and confessing things.

I think I'd like sex, I'm pretty sure, but also, the category of sex is just a "thing" for me, just an activity like running. Obviously more intimate than running.

I know I'm really fucking young, but the concept of hanging behind, having missed your chance to figure stuff out, that still very much exists.

If anyone is even reading this, and you might be ace too, I don't know. I don't know how to tackle these things, I have no game plan. Life can be scary, but lots of stuff is just overthinking (or I hope so). Take time, and remember that Allo people usually need more time than you'd assume.

You're not bad because you're ace and you're not any less worthy of love and a healthy relationship. No matter how bad the overthinking gets

[bellewintersroe]

James ‘Moe’ Alley x nurse Jenny OC- Headcannons - Part 4.

This is where the headcannons get fun to write, there’s some smut at the end of these headcannons, so just beware of that. Part 5 will next probably explore some themes surrounding how Alley copes in their relationship at war. Plus he faces quite a lot of injuries meaning Jenny is constantly on edge. So stay tuned.

As I mentioned in the first part, Alley is a slightly more sensitive man the rest. He goes through a lot during the war, which only increases that, but before the war I think he’s very in tune with his emotions and therefore Jenny’s.

well he is after they’ve admitted their feelings. He thinks he’s a sucker for her, hopelessly in love after a month of being such good friends.

one day he decides to take it to the next level and hold her hand, she jumps because he kinda sneaks up on her and it’s so out of the blue and she’s snatching her hand away.

Alley looks like he’s see a mother fucking GHOST. But Jenny thankfully relaxes when she realises it’s just him. ‘Oh it’s you.’ She reaches out and holds his hand so casually again. ‘Sorry, James, I thought you were a stranger.’

He wants to hear her say his name all the time, it’s so attractive.

the confidence grows in her when they’re walking with their hands entwined, neither of them are sure what exactly is going on, but she’s so casual about it, he doesn’t have room to overthink it.

the next day she’d be swinging on his arm, hugging into his bicep as he’s smiling down to her, wondering if she realises how much he actually feels for her?

Alley deffo gets too drunk, and after plenty of singing and yelling, he stumbles to where she’s bunked, knocks on the door and wakes up all the neighbours just to admit he loves her.

He’s stood there, like a hopeless romantic, he’s got puppy eyes and he’s hiccuping, praying that he didn’t slur the words.

‘James how drunk are you? Come tell me this sober and maybe I’ll say the same back.’

you best believe he’s back as soon as he wakes up that morning, before training, before she’s left to the hospital- he walks her out, admitting his feelings almost the moment he sees her. He’s a little shy, so the eye contact isn’t all there.

Jenny would pounce into his arms, hugging him close and tells him she’s been waiting to hear that from him.

fml they’re both overjoyed and it’s so so cute.

the relationship starts off so fucking cute and innocent okay, their first kiss is so sweet and leaves the both of them smiling for the rest of the day.

I think the only thing that might put a little strain on them both is the threat of war. It’s a mere 8 weeks before they’re all shipped off and sometimes Jenny walks over to find Alley bouncing his leg and jaw tense.

‘Hey, you’re alright.’ She reminds, pressing a gentle kiss to his jaw. ‘We’ll be out there together. We all will.’

She’s so important for his stability, and he hopes she feels the same about him. I think she would be better about having harder conversations, she’s a natural talker, so it’s a little easier for her.

he more provides lots of hugs and cuddles, wrapping his arm around her waist and lifting her off the ground. He’s super tall and built up so it’s so easy for him.

I feel like there’d be a few occasions where men attempt to make moves on her?? Especially after a couple of drinks everybody gets a little handsy and excited.

whilst Alley is a gentle giant, the worried look on her face as she cowers away makes him feel violent. He storms over, shoving his body between hers and the man’s harassing her, he stares him tf down until he backs off, feeling the urge to spit at the guys feet.

Jenny would kiss him all over after that, he’d be all smiley and start blushing, I think he doesn’t have much of a temper, and when he does it’s easier to cool.

Things might start to get heated after this- if you know what I mean- Alley feels PANICKED that he’s going to perform badly but Jenny thinks he’s perfect.

He just wants it to be good for her, he gets all shy when she tries to pleasure him, I think he wants to be the first to go down on her and give her an orgasm.

he’s a little paranoid about his performance skills, but she’d be so reassuring and he’s sooo good, sorry but he is, he’s just all about giving her love, constantly checking up on her every time they get intimate.

ok so he deffo has the ability to go really rough, he’s got super good stamina and I feel like Jenny loves him to get carried away.

It’s just difficult at first because he loves her and he’s scared of hurting her, he’s significantly taller and stronger than she is. He doesn’t want to use that strength on her.

… She doesn’t mind.

I think it takes a while and some encouragement (dirty talk) and Alley’s letting loose.

He has such a proud smirk on his face hearing the moans he can elicit.

Listen I feel like he’d deffo be quite vocal, growling, grunting and groaning, he’s not afraid to get all up in her ear and moan. Such a turn on seriously.

the closer war impends on them the more their sex turns into love making, he’s wrapping Jenny tightly in his arms, needing to be as close as possible with his lover.

loves to hear his name being moaned.

might accidentally cum inside her once or twice when he gets carried away.

shits himself like 6 months after those occurrences and Jenny is like ‘Moe I’d be fully preggo by now, babe’.

‘are you pregnant?’ Asks her two days after he came the smallest bit inside of her. Like nonono this boy does need some educating on the female anatomy- I’m not talking about finding the clit, he’s already mastered that- but periods, pregnancy, yeah he’s clueless. It’s kinda cute actually.

[toburnup]

Hi hi hiii Vio. Meant to sent this last week but clearly didn't happen. Two things from your replies that live in my brain (I'm mentioning it in an ask in case you want to talk more about them but I also just want to point out that I love them)

1. "like eddie was kind of building up what they had in his own head, like steve was overcoming everything just for him." This made my brain screech to a halt. In a good way bc I can see why he might think that/fall back on that considering how little power he has/how he's building up an Image (which he keeps on doing). Especially as he cannot do much else w his time etc. Like it's such a trap thought and not how life works and he never communicates any of that ...and that makes me love it more

2. "even though steve is sort of (?) setting boundaries without explicitly saying so" had me on a tailspin in the best way bc? That boundary? Is so tricky but also people are allowed their boundaries regardless of trickiness. But then also like (see: tailspin) how is that boundary meant to realistically work for what they had? Like, Steve suddenly not being okay with touching outside of Eddie's home - is that feasible? Plus, it feels like a symptom of an issue instead of the issue itself if that makes sense.

Maybe you also meant something else so I was curious about your thoughts but in any case, that had me so happily unhinged.

And falls into the things I love about IYLO: all their actions make sense for who they are, no matter how questionable(?) & they could be the right person for each other but it's not the right time/place

💙💙💙

HELLO, i loved seeing your thoughts on ch 6!! eddie's pov was revealing of quite a bit (yay), especially the different ways they both approached the porch scene.

iylo meta and spoilers below !!

after the breakup scene, eddie goes to bed and there's a line like "so fucking embarrassed." or something like that. and i really wanted to get it across that this isn't like eddie is only hurt by steve's actions, but is also terrified by how much he himself got swept away in this idea of what they were. and how steve wasn't seeing it like that at all.

I can see why he might think that/fall back on that considering how little power he has/how he's building up an Image (which he keeps on doing). Especially as he cannot do much else w his time etc.

there's a lot in IYLO about steve's image of himself and how he's perceived. and eddie has a pretty good intuition so it's all the more devastating that he didn't see it turning out the way it did. and how much all the steve stuff consumed him - his time, energy, thoughts. like eddie was thinking about steve constantly.

how is that boundary meant to realistically work for what they had? Like, Steve suddenly not being okay with touching outside of Eddie's home - is that feasible?

probably not. like, i think eddie is the kind of person to demonstrate friendly and platonic affection with physical touch, he's not worried about "looking weird" or making a scene. he doesn't care.

steve is definitely into physical affection, but probably just with people he's dating. so... as he feels more eyes on him (after his conversation with his mom), he's overthinking every aspect of physical touch, even those that would be normal between two friends.

that's also why, in ch 4, steve has a small step of growth at eddie's goodbye party. he's sitting on the couch once more, thinks of all the ways he and eddie could touch without crossing that 'line' for him. and is so close do doing it, even. pre-breakup, i don't think he even saw that distinction other than in the broadest of terms (like the guy he hooked up with on his baseball team who refused to look at him, and steve was annoyed that that guy couldn't compartmentalize it like he did).

Plus, it feels like a symptom of an issue instead of the issue itself if that makes sense.

absolutely. it comes down to what they fear and how they operate. steve isn't weak for having such an ingrained and stark method of self-protection, but i think he has a bad grasp of seeing the full picture. in thinking about his breakup with nancy, the 'i love you' thing was the same - it's a symptom of a larger issue, and steve couldn't see the forest for the trees.

if anyone wants the full context (and to see our delightful - imo - exchange about IYLO) you can read the original comment thread here

[traumak1ng]

Overthinking💭

I keep catching myself looking at him. Wether we’re alone or with friends (his friends, I don’t have any) it doesn’t matter. I keep catching myself staring - for a little too long. I feel like a school girl, I feel out of control with my feelings for him and it’s embarrassing. I just want to be able to be chill like he is, but I’m not. Maybe that’s why he likes me so much.

I hate when he catches me looking (staring) at him. I panic. What is it he’s looking at? Whatever it is it can’t be something good. My skin is in bits, my hair is a bleached mess and I feel like I’m gaining weight every single time I even glance at food.

What’s wrong baby? Please tell me so I can fix it.

“You’re so hot” he says, eyes half shut, big cheesy grin plastered on his face. He isn’t worried at all. I’m so angry. I can’t tell if I want him to be on edge with me or I just wish I wasn’t on there all alone. Constantly worried about what might go wrong.

I imagine how I look when I hear that. That he thinks I’m hot, or a hunk or that I’m beautiful. And how he can’t understand why I can’t see that. My face is down looking at my lap, a smirk that I desperately try to hide that makes him chuckle gently appears on my mouth involuntarily, my cheeks turn a light shade of pink.

For once in my life I imagine that he’s telling the truth, I might look rather beautiful.

“Would you like to talk about it?” He asks me, earnestly. I look into his big brown eyes… they seem caring but not concerned. Fuck, He’s so calm, so much more mature than me. I’m gently gripping onto his hair, our foreheads are smashed together, I’m trying to inhale as much of his scent as I can without it seeming obvious. I don’t have to have this conversation right now, I also don’t want to. Not while in his bed, wrapped up in him. Being with him is all the reassurance I need, and I’d rather not ruin this moment by wondering about the future, which I know deep down is inevitable. I need to take what he says as what he means, there’s plenty of time for me to be crazy. Right now I refuse to ruin this perfect night.

“No” I say, knowing I sound convincing. “It’s all good”.

He doesn’t believe me. He reads right through it. Maybe I’m not as convincing as I thought. Maybe he just actaullly cares enough to actually want to give me some peace of mind. I look at him again, pleading… can we please just enjoy this moment?

I snuggle back into him, and gently begin to play with his hair. It’s all good, for now.

[dumbbitchfrommars]

12am and i cant sleep.

its been so hard adjusting to all the change. it was unexpected, and i got used to something and didnt realise how that momentum would just disappear and how uncomfortable i would be about that.

i think i got used to the chaos of being a student. now i feel stuck, and im doubting myself. im really, really questioning.

but somehow i was blessed with a really wonderful man amidst it all?

doubt/fear/self criticism. its confusing me... i havent properly cried in so long. ive just gotten a bit too comfortable with the subtle, constant voice in my head putting me down for every little mistake and unmet expectation.

i am a good writer. i missed writing, really writing. i got so lazy. i feel so lazy, all the time. like im never quite putting in 100%, but if i did, i know id be able to achieve so much. id be so successful - probably at anything i put my mind into.

instead im so afraid of failing or being disappointed that i barely try at all.

my confidence is thin... i wonder if people can see through my facade?

im so ashamed and angry at myself for losing my temper today. it completely derailed the rest of my day. i feel terrible. i deserved to get in trouble today. it was my karma for being impatient, and mean, and angry. life is not that serious. nothing is worth that kind of anger. no stranger deserves that kind of anger...

im so tired but the coffee that i knew would throw me off is keeping me up. i was shaking for half the day today! i genuinely helped so many people but i also feel judged, criticised and under appreciated. i am not rostered again for this entire week.

work is not worth this frustration and anger and hurt. ive exhausted myself analysing the situation and its done. but, what is left if not that? what do i worry about instead? how others might judge me for dating this guy? or how my car is stuck in a carpark tonight and might be towed away by the morning? or, that i have $40 to my name right now with multiple trips interstate planned in the next few months? money doesnt matter. it never really mattered and is the least of my problems, and yet it floats back to me constantly like a persistent fly. i got bit on the fucking face by a mosquito!

but being hugged like that healed something in me. it was the most comforting hug ive had in so, so long. i could cry just thinking about feeling that way all the time. so warm and safe and protected and loved.

its nice to feel like i can be a shy girl again. like i dont have to pretend to be confident all the time, cause someone else is already, and hes ready to take the lead for me. so i can let my guards down and just be my self and not worry about scaring him off or making him insecure. and i like the way he tells me things. like he really shows me, and gets me to visualise what hes trying to explain. and i like how he rubbed my knee when i said i wasnt listening to him for one second. and i like how he kinda just decided for me that were hanging out again tomorrow. and i like how he asked "are you okay" when i got all anxious and made me laugh at myself instead of being awkward. how did he do that? he helped me not overthink by making a sweet joke and i could laugh. and my critical side is non existent when im with him, cause hes so confident in himself. hes so man. and i actually like him. i like talking to him, i like his personality, im drawn to him, i think hes attractive. i mean, he has odd style but it suits him. and he has some opinions that i disagree with but they arent dealbreakers. and hes such a boyyyy like hes so masculine man like wow they really do exist. all i had to do was look in a different place to my own. I KNEW IT TOO. i knew i liked them a little rough around the edges. ugh. okay. i think thats enough fawning over him now.

i wonder when we'll finally kiss. i dont think im ready yet... im scared of rushing and getting hurt again. i think he can tell and thats why hes been so slow and gentle with me. is crazy, isnt it? i seem so confident and attractive and cool from the outside. i feel like everyone profiles me as having so much handed to me. but its honestly so scary and hard to try do relationships and friendships. ive been hurt so much and im so so sensitive. but maybe i seem strong and like my walls are up or something, so people think im indestructible. but secretly im so soft and fragile and i need time. and i feel like hes giving me that time? like i dont think ive ever gone this long talking to a guy. i havent hung out with a guy 3 times without kissing once. thats a lie... but its also true, cause the taurus i always just expected it to not be romantic. i dont think i ever really saw us being in a relationship. but i can see myself with the scorpio. so its even a shock just for me, to see how seriously im taking this by not rushing. i want everything to be special and the right timing. i even want to meet his family and friends. and my sister really likes him. thats how i know hes good for me. because shes never wrong about people. could this be why i had such a trainwreck day today? did i receive some kind of evil eye the other night? but...who...? everyone seemed so sweet and happy and lovely. maybe its just a bad day and i shouldnt overthink it.

ugh.

its fucking freezing cold and now its past 1am. ugh.

i would love another one of those hugs, please. it was so lovely and nice and ugh. holy shit. i really like him!